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1
00:00:25,892 --> 00:00:29,229
Bob Rubin, I can't believe it.
The last time I saw you was the '80s.
2
00:00:29,295 --> 00:00:32,274
What was it? The Shoreline Amphitheater?
You were dressed like a pink poodle,
3
00:00:32,298 --> 00:00:33,833
and you jumped through a flaming hoop.
4
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,803
Yeah, I don't do that anymore.
5
00:00:40,206 --> 00:00:43,910
Wow, Bob Rubin,
I saw you at a nightclub 15 years ago.
6
00:00:43,977 --> 00:00:46,146
You had a bottle of Jack Daniels
in your hand.
7
00:00:46,212 --> 00:00:47,881
You preformed for three hours.
8
00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:49,949
Yeah, I don't do that anymore.
9
00:00:52,185 --> 00:00:55,722
Whoa, Bob Rubin, is that you?
10
00:00:56,489 --> 00:00:58,992
Dude, we did acid together
in Golden Gate Park
11
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:01,594
at the Summer of Love reunion.
12
00:01:02,462 --> 00:01:03,563
You wanna do some?
13
00:01:03,630 --> 00:01:05,131
You wanna talk to God?
14
00:01:06,266 --> 00:01:08,301
Nah, I don't do that anymore.
15
00:01:24,451 --> 00:01:25,451
Whoa.
16
00:01:26,186 --> 00:01:27,353
Ah hah!
17
00:01:31,191 --> 00:01:32,191
Yeah!
18
00:01:34,994 --> 00:01:37,864
Lighten up, everybody!
The Old Rube's here!
19
00:01:39,966 --> 00:01:44,637
Miniature golf, pitch and putt, par three,
this madness has to end.
20
00:01:44,704 --> 00:01:49,075
We have to stop puttering around
and drive towards closing this wedge.
21
00:01:49,142 --> 00:01:52,612
It's not a trap, and it's not rough,
it's easy.
22
00:01:52,679 --> 00:01:54,214
And it's the fairway.
23
00:01:54,347 --> 00:01:57,117
You cannot petition a ball
that's landed in the water.
24
00:01:57,217 --> 00:01:58,618
The fish don't have to die!
25
00:01:58,685 --> 00:02:00,887
Anyone can wear a green jacket.
26
00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:04,724
I'm talking about love, love, love.
27
00:02:05,024 --> 00:02:07,927
Come on, people!
Now, smile on your putter!
28
00:02:07,994 --> 00:02:12,532
Everybody get together,
learn to live in a clown's nose right now!
29
00:02:13,066 --> 00:02:14,501
The man's gonna come along,
30
00:02:14,567 --> 00:02:17,370
and he's gonna try to take away
all your childlike qualities
31
00:02:17,437 --> 00:02:18,771
and steal all your hope.
32
00:02:19,439 --> 00:02:21,541
Miniature golf didn't have to grow up!
33
00:02:21,608 --> 00:02:25,278
You didn't have to take away the windmills
and the zigzags and the railings.
34
00:02:25,612 --> 00:02:28,148
You didn't have to make it
tedious and boring.
35
00:02:28,214 --> 00:02:29,749
It used to be fun!
36
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:33,586
You moved the hedge stones,
but you never moved the bodies, did you?
37
00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:36,589
There used to be a clothes line
with a blanket over it,
38
00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:38,667
and you'd stand there
with your little fishing pole,
39
00:02:38,691 --> 00:02:41,094
and then you'd take your string line
and you'd drop it over,
40
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:43,329
and Grandma would tape a fish
to the end of it.
41
00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:46,799
That used to be sports fishing,
but you made that grow up too!
42
00:02:46,866 --> 00:02:49,903
Now, it's suffocate that bastard
to within an inch of its life,
43
00:02:49,969 --> 00:02:54,207
throw it back in,
and Grandma's spinning in her grave!
44
00:02:55,542 --> 00:03:00,046
Oh, the IRS, second mortgages,
high interest rates, credit card debts,
45
00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:01,113
the one percent.
46
00:03:01,147 --> 00:03:03,449
What's my point? What's my point?
47
00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:07,387
My point is, I meant to come out and say,
"Hi, how you guys doing tonight?"
48
00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:16,528
Hey, uh…
49
00:03:18,831 --> 00:03:20,767
They think I'm getting booed.
50
00:03:24,637 --> 00:03:29,242
Hey, did you ever see a carpenter
get really angry and have a hissy fit?
51
00:03:30,977 --> 00:03:31,977
No.
52
00:03:32,579 --> 00:03:34,047
It's called the hammer throw.
53
00:03:35,682 --> 00:03:37,684
What is this guy?
I feel sorry for this guy.
54
00:03:37,750 --> 00:03:39,953
What does he do when the Olympics
just passes him by?
55
00:03:40,486 --> 00:03:43,489
"Look at me, I can throw the hammer
further than anybody.
56
00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:44,857
But I'm living in poverty!"
57
00:03:45,325 --> 00:03:48,761
There's no Hammer Capades.
There's no pro hammer tour.
58
00:03:48,828 --> 00:03:50,430
There's no hammer throw on ice.
59
00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:53,032
This guy's fucked. But you know what?
60
00:03:53,132 --> 00:03:56,202
Two days out of every four years,
he's the king of the world!
61
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,806
What does he care?
There's guys on TV playing cards,
62
00:03:59,872 --> 00:04:02,108
and he's on food stamps. He doesn't care.
63
00:04:02,208 --> 00:04:04,711
And that's not even what I wanted
to talk about because the…
64
00:04:04,777 --> 00:04:05,912
The crime rate
65
00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:08,982
in the synchronized swimming community
is skyrocketing!
66
00:04:09,315 --> 00:04:11,718
What are they gonna do after the Olympics,
you know?
67
00:04:11,784 --> 00:04:15,154
Uh, Maybe get a gig at Dolphin World?
68
00:04:15,288 --> 00:04:18,458
Or maybe get a gig in a fountain
in front of a Vegas hotel,
69
00:04:18,524 --> 00:04:20,760
living half their life below sea level?
70
00:04:20,994 --> 00:04:22,228
It's just terrible.
71
00:04:22,295 --> 00:04:24,764
Let me tell you something.
I saw a woman on the street,
72
00:04:24,831 --> 00:04:27,467
and she had on a swimsuit, a swim cap,
73
00:04:27,533 --> 00:04:29,669
had a nose plug and an open guitar case.
74
00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:31,704
She was on her back
with her legs in the air,
75
00:04:31,771 --> 00:04:33,640
and she was furiously kicking them.
76
00:04:33,706 --> 00:04:37,076
In a rhythmic fashion,
but just furiously kicking away, boy.
77
00:04:38,511 --> 00:04:41,614
Oh, it made me sad, I gave her a dollar.
78
00:04:46,519 --> 00:04:48,254
I went to an Indian casino…
79
00:04:49,422 --> 00:04:52,925
and I went there to take back
what they've been taking back...
80
00:04:53,526 --> 00:04:56,496
what we took in the first place.
But now, they're way ahead.
81
00:04:59,198 --> 00:05:00,933
Oh, but they tricked me again.
82
00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:02,835
Oh, sure, man.
83
00:05:03,202 --> 00:05:04,504
They're raking it in.
84
00:05:04,671 --> 00:05:06,539
And I don't even know why I go,
85
00:05:06,606 --> 00:05:09,275
because they're just like
the Vegas casinos, you know?
86
00:05:09,342 --> 00:05:10,977
I expect these, uh…
87
00:05:11,110 --> 00:05:14,314
I expect these casinos
to be a little more tribal, you know?
88
00:05:14,614 --> 00:05:18,251
I don't know, like, their pit bosses
to be dressed in some sort of a…
89
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,987
pit boss shaman skin, you know? And…
90
00:05:21,287 --> 00:05:23,532
Well, you're sitting there,
you're playing blackjack, boy,
91
00:05:23,556 --> 00:05:26,459
and you got a nine and five,
and the dealer's showing a seven.
92
00:05:26,526 --> 00:05:28,795
You don't know what to do,
stand pat or take a hit.
93
00:05:28,861 --> 00:05:32,332
And you look at the pit boss shaman,
and he starts to go into a trance.
94
00:05:32,398 --> 00:05:33,333
Now he starts chanting.
95
00:05:35,868 --> 00:05:40,173
Then he hands you a petrified wooden ladle
made by the ancient ones.
96
00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:43,843
And you drink
from the boiling mushroom concoction.
97
00:05:44,143 --> 00:05:47,313
And now, suddenly,
you're out running with the elk and deer.
98
00:05:47,547 --> 00:05:49,649
Shit, you are an elk and deer.
99
00:05:49,716 --> 00:05:53,286
And you're out there running around
in a crystal redwood forest,
100
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,321
and then you turn into a centaur.
101
00:05:55,488 --> 00:05:57,590
And now you're running around,
and you're a centaur.
102
00:05:57,657 --> 00:06:01,361
And then you replace Robert Goulet
on the national touring show of Camelot.
103
00:06:01,527 --> 00:06:04,263
And then you look below your hooves,
and the emerald green field
104
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:06,165
gives way to a swirling hot light.
105
00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:08,844
And you see the woman that you love.
You look right into her eyes,
106
00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:10,169
and she reaches into the void
107
00:06:10,236 --> 00:06:12,038
and pulls you out
of the pit of nothingness.
108
00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:15,808
And then you kiss, and a strong wind blows
and turns you both into sand.
109
00:06:16,008 --> 00:06:18,111
And then, suddenly,
you're back in your chair,
110
00:06:18,177 --> 00:06:21,881
covered in sweat,
and you yell out, "Hit me!"
111
00:06:26,853 --> 00:06:28,521
You get a seven, that's 21.
112
00:06:28,921 --> 00:06:32,525
Dealer flips a nine, that's 16.
He pulls a ten, 26. Busted!
113
00:06:32,825 --> 00:06:35,528
And as the chill
still tingling up your spine,
114
00:06:35,762 --> 00:06:38,831
the pit boss shaman leans in
and says two words,
115
00:06:39,165 --> 00:06:41,100
"Breakfast comped."
116
00:06:50,576 --> 00:06:52,812
You gotta take care of yourself, boy.
117
00:06:54,313 --> 00:06:57,350
That's why I've been enduring
all these years.
118
00:06:58,618 --> 00:07:01,587
Just the little things, really.
For instance, breakfast time.
119
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:04,290
I don't butter my cheesecake anymore.
120
00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:08,428
And I went and got a NutriBullet.
121
00:07:11,030 --> 00:07:12,432
These things are small.
122
00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:15,568
Very lovely item. I keep mine in my pants.
123
00:07:17,537 --> 00:07:20,807
So, I've got mine in my pants,
so I can come over to your house
124
00:07:20,873 --> 00:07:23,509
and go into your kitchen,
and sit on your counter,
125
00:07:23,643 --> 00:07:26,112
because it's small enough to use everyday.
126
00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:28,981
Are you gonna want to enjoy that?
Of course you are.
127
00:07:29,048 --> 00:07:30,550
Now, how's that for convenience?
128
00:07:30,616 --> 00:07:33,553
Now, what if we took
Einstein's Theory of Relativity,
129
00:07:33,619 --> 00:07:36,055
made that small enough
to fit on your countertop.
130
00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:37,866
Do you think
you'd want to use that everyday?
131
00:07:37,890 --> 00:07:40,827
I think you would.
You've got E equals MC squared,
132
00:07:40,893 --> 00:07:43,896
and you've got a strange man
with a NutriBullet in his pants.
133
00:07:43,996 --> 00:07:45,836
You're out there,
traveling the speed of light,
134
00:07:45,898 --> 00:07:47,900
going back and forth,
and every time you come back,
135
00:07:47,967 --> 00:07:51,070
all your friends are dead,
and you're enjoying delicious smoothies
136
00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:52,738
out of a strange man's pants.
137
00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:55,041
Now, how much would you pay for all that?
138
00:08:00,813 --> 00:08:03,182
But you know what?
It's convenient, you know,
139
00:08:03,249 --> 00:08:04,984
and it is healthy, but I really...
140
00:08:05,051 --> 00:08:07,487
You know, they had this guy on
a long time ago and...
141
00:08:07,553 --> 00:08:09,088
My favorite infomercial of all time...
142
00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:11,390
They have this guy
on the Juiceman Juicer, yeah…
143
00:08:12,458 --> 00:08:14,760
Yeah, boy,
he was one intense little fella.
144
00:08:14,827 --> 00:08:16,262
You know, he was old.
145
00:08:16,395 --> 00:08:20,333
I figure, back then,
he was probably pushing 116, 117.
146
00:08:20,566 --> 00:08:24,070
You know, you had gray skin,
very leathery, very tan.
147
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:25,838
And had silver hair slicked back,
148
00:08:25,905 --> 00:08:28,541
and he had lightening bolts
for eyebrows, boy.
149
00:08:28,908 --> 00:08:31,310
He's kind of bug-eyed.
Really intense, you know?
150
00:08:31,377 --> 00:08:33,179
And I said,
"Shit, I gotta order this thing."
151
00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:36,682
You know? It's late at night,
I'm a little high, he's bug-eyed,
152
00:08:36,749 --> 00:08:38,818
I gotta take it,
or otherwise he'll just kill me
153
00:08:38,918 --> 00:08:40,419
with his lightning bolts and…
154
00:08:41,687 --> 00:08:42,687
Two weeks go by,
155
00:08:42,722 --> 00:08:45,391
I don't get anything, man.
I don't get the Juiceman Juicer.
156
00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:47,703
Then one morning, I'm laying in bed,
I got a weird feeling
157
00:08:47,727 --> 00:08:50,396
there's somebody else in the room.
You've had that feeling before.
158
00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:54,400
Then I bolt upright in bed, whoa!
There on the corner was the Juiceman.
159
00:08:55,434 --> 00:08:58,437
They screwed up, man.
Instead of sending me the Juiceman Juicer,
160
00:08:58,504 --> 00:08:59,605
they sent me him.
161
00:09:04,710 --> 00:09:06,512
"Get up, Rube. I got a good one.
162
00:09:06,579 --> 00:09:08,314
First of all,
thanks for buying the product.
163
00:09:08,414 --> 00:09:11,017
Anyhow, this a great way
to start your day.
164
00:09:11,083 --> 00:09:13,953
We got apple, carrot, parsley,
165
00:09:14,186 --> 00:09:15,521
and this circus peanut.
166
00:09:15,588 --> 00:09:19,559
Because you can't just eat
the fleshy center of that orange treat.
167
00:09:19,825 --> 00:09:21,994
You gotta eat the peanut skin, boy,
168
00:09:22,061 --> 00:09:24,330
because that's where
all the phytonutrients are
169
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:26,632
that feed the trillions of living cells.
170
00:09:26,699 --> 00:09:30,970
Look at me, I'm in the same shape I was
when I blew fife in the Revolutionary War.
171
00:09:32,204 --> 00:09:34,740
Oh, yeah, start juicing.
You're gonna see the energy,
172
00:09:34,807 --> 00:09:37,577
you're gonna see the difference,
you're gonna see the healing,
173
00:09:37,643 --> 00:09:40,680
you're gonna see brightly colored
spinning soccer balls,
174
00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:42,181
popping out out of nowhere!
175
00:09:42,481 --> 00:09:43,316
Yes, sir, boy.
176
00:09:43,382 --> 00:09:45,251
Hey, here's a good one
for street performers.
177
00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:48,154
A college degree you'll never use,
crushed velvet…
178
00:09:48,688 --> 00:09:50,122
parsley, in a puppet,
179
00:09:50,189 --> 00:09:52,291
'cause you can't just eat
the fleshy puppet center.
180
00:09:52,358 --> 00:09:54,360
You gotta juice the puppet skin, boy.
181
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,862
Because that's where
the trillions of nutrients are.
182
00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:59,532
Live food, living cells…
183
00:09:59,999 --> 00:10:02,501
living people, living food…
184
00:10:02,568 --> 00:10:05,237
uh, rock operas, diesel fuel.
185
00:10:05,471 --> 00:10:08,474
I'm a very disturbed man,
and I need help now!
186
00:10:09,508 --> 00:10:12,345
This is a good one for you, Rube.
I'm not bullshitting you, here.
187
00:10:12,411 --> 00:10:13,746
This will really get you going.
188
00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:17,817
Cherry-flavored dust of the bones
of people who have lived before us.
189
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:22,855
A box full of earlobes
from the heads of young virgins…
190
00:10:24,090 --> 00:10:25,090
parsley…"
191
00:10:29,962 --> 00:10:31,864
"...and a 13-foot python,
192
00:10:31,931 --> 00:10:36,469
because you can't just juice,
you gotta ride the snake, baby!"
193
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:38,537
Whoo!
194
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,477
Juiceman, you gotta go home.
195
00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:52,251
I was in the hospital, and they said…
196
00:10:52,618 --> 00:10:55,121
They said,
"That's it, man. You're done drinking."
197
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:58,157
They said, "You and alcohol
don't mix anymore."
198
00:10:58,224 --> 00:11:01,127
Yeah, they said, "You can't have
another drink as long as you live."
199
00:11:01,227 --> 00:11:02,762
And I just looked at him and said…
200
00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:06,065
"Don't tell me what to do,
this is the gift shop."
201
00:11:13,272 --> 00:11:14,573
But I went back to the doc...
202
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,476
I went... I did go to see a doctor.
And he said... He goes, "Well..."
203
00:11:17,777 --> 00:11:19,612
He goes,
"Bob, your levels are pretty high."
204
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,781
And I said, "What are you...
Are you kidding me, doc?
205
00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:23,516
I was born a little bit high.
206
00:11:23,582 --> 00:11:24,860
What are you trying to tell me?"
207
00:11:24,884 --> 00:11:27,153
He said, "Well, your oligarchy levels
are off the charts.
208
00:11:27,219 --> 00:11:28,621
Your feudal system is weak."
209
00:11:29,455 --> 00:11:32,692
I said, "Give it to me straight, doc.
What is it? Am I pan seared?
210
00:11:32,758 --> 00:11:35,561
Is there something wrong with my brain?
What's going on?"
211
00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:37,063
And I told the doc, I said,
212
00:11:37,129 --> 00:11:38,264
"Look at me. I swear to God,
213
00:11:38,330 --> 00:11:40,599
I try to take care of myself,
but it's impossible,
214
00:11:40,666 --> 00:11:42,066
'cause they're tweaking the wheat."
215
00:11:42,101 --> 00:11:44,136
Oh, yeah,
I gave up eating processed foods,
216
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:45,337
I gave up my Cheese Whiz,
217
00:11:45,404 --> 00:11:48,941
I gave up my bologna, I gave it all up,
but it doesn't matter anymore,
218
00:11:49,008 --> 00:11:50,676
'cause they're tweaking the wheat.
219
00:11:50,743 --> 00:11:51,644
It doesn't matter.
220
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,146
It's not your grandparents' wheat
anymore, man.
221
00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:55,915
There's nothing you can do to be healthy,
222
00:11:55,981 --> 00:11:57,661
because even when you try,
they'll get you,
223
00:11:57,717 --> 00:11:59,285
because they're tweaking the wheat!
224
00:11:59,351 --> 00:12:02,188
It says in the Bible, "Ezekiel...
Eat the Ezekiel bread."
225
00:12:02,254 --> 00:12:03,254
You know, because…
226
00:12:03,689 --> 00:12:06,859
Ezekiel bread doesn't matter anymore,
because they're tweaking that wheat.
227
00:12:06,926 --> 00:12:08,527
They're tweaking the Bible bread.
228
00:12:08,694 --> 00:12:10,229
They're tweaking the Bible bread!
229
00:12:10,296 --> 00:12:13,632
I don't know if it really said that
in a Bible. I've never read a Bible.
230
00:12:13,699 --> 00:12:16,602
I did snort a line off of one
once in the...
231
00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:20,806
You know, sometimes,
just through the process of "nose-mosis,"
232
00:12:20,873 --> 00:12:22,575
you just pick things up, you know?
233
00:12:22,975 --> 00:12:25,511
And, you know, it just...
There's nothing you can do, man.
234
00:12:25,611 --> 00:12:28,180
They're tweaking the wheat.
It's not our grandparents wheat.
235
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:30,449
So, they're tweaking the wheat,
you can't get healthy.
236
00:12:30,516 --> 00:12:32,284
And now, they're tweaking the dogs.
237
00:12:32,518 --> 00:12:34,320
That's right, man.
They're tweaking the dogs.
238
00:12:34,386 --> 00:12:37,456
I... Sitting out in front of a cafe
and I see a dog walk by,
239
00:12:37,523 --> 00:12:38,557
it's got knobs on it.
240
00:12:38,657 --> 00:12:42,061
And I'm not using a metaphor
for some sort of low-hanging genitals.
241
00:12:42,228 --> 00:12:45,131
No, no, I'm talking about, like,
a Fender amp dog.
242
00:12:45,197 --> 00:12:46,599
A dog you can turn up!
243
00:12:47,032 --> 00:12:50,202
And the lady is walking by with her dog,
acting like nothing is going on.
244
00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:52,271
And I'm like,
"Am I losing my freaking mind?
245
00:12:52,338 --> 00:12:53,405
Because I don't get it."
246
00:12:53,472 --> 00:12:54,507
I don't get it.
247
00:12:54,573 --> 00:12:57,309
I know we live in the country
that's the United States of Ostriches,
248
00:12:57,409 --> 00:12:58,911
and everybody's hiding in the sand,
249
00:12:58,978 --> 00:13:01,623
pretending none of this is going on.
But they're tweaking the wheat,
250
00:13:01,647 --> 00:13:04,087
and they're tweaking the dogs,
and I couldn't take it anymore.
251
00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:08,287
And I stood up, and I yelled out,
"Hey, lady, there's knobs on your dog!"
252
00:13:08,354 --> 00:13:11,223
And she just looked at me
like I was trying to hit on her.
253
00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:15,661
They're tweaking the wheat…
254
00:13:16,061 --> 00:13:19,431
but I still don't butter my cheesecake.
255
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:25,070
And I've been dyeing my hair,
I'll admit it.
256
00:13:29,408 --> 00:13:31,544
Yeah, I've been using
"Just for Mennonites."
257
00:13:34,046 --> 00:13:35,247
Oh, you kidding me?
258
00:13:36,115 --> 00:13:38,617
Ever since I've been using
Just for Mennonites…
259
00:13:39,351 --> 00:13:42,788
every woman wearing a bonnet
has been chasing after my tool box.
260
00:13:45,424 --> 00:13:47,393
"Looking good, Brother Rube.
261
00:13:48,928 --> 00:13:51,430
Need help raising your barn?"
262
00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:58,513
And then, my head wasn't feeling right,
and I went to the doctor, and he said,
263
00:13:58,537 --> 00:14:01,640
"Oh, your head is not feeling right.
Here, take this. This is binopozin.
264
00:14:01,707 --> 00:14:02,827
It'll make you feel better."
265
00:14:02,875 --> 00:14:05,411
I took the binopozin,
I didn't feel any better.
266
00:14:05,477 --> 00:14:08,848
I wake up one night, and my legs are down
$10,000 at the craps table.
267
00:14:10,282 --> 00:14:11,884
I went back to the doctor and told him.
268
00:14:11,951 --> 00:14:14,720
He said, "Oh, yeah,
that's crazy gambling leg syndrome."
269
00:14:14,787 --> 00:14:17,957
He said, "Here, take this pill,
because, of course, that should help."
270
00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:23,562
And, you know I... woke up one night,
and my legs were at the nickel slots,
271
00:14:23,629 --> 00:14:26,398
and they were up a hundred bucks,
but I kept hallucinating
272
00:14:26,465 --> 00:14:28,934
that I was out on the road
opening up for Foghat.
273
00:14:29,001 --> 00:14:32,037
And he said, "Oh, yeah,
that's opening for Foghat syndrome.
274
00:14:32,104 --> 00:14:35,241
You're gonna need to take
a slow ride re-uptake
275
00:14:35,307 --> 00:14:37,509
and a COX-3 inhibitor."
276
00:14:37,576 --> 00:14:39,745
And I said,
"Whoa, with the COX inhibitor."
277
00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:41,556
And he said,
"I knew you were gonna say that,
278
00:14:41,580 --> 00:14:43,616
because that's your fear of pills talking.
279
00:14:43,682 --> 00:14:46,518
And we gotta pill for that,
it's called Neural Conundrum."
280
00:14:48,254 --> 00:14:50,990
Jesus Christ, man,
It used to be real simple.
281
00:14:51,056 --> 00:14:53,893
One pill made you larger,
and one pill made you small.
282
00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:57,730
And if you were small, you got over it,
and you moved on with your life.
283
00:15:00,666 --> 00:15:02,944
You ever been driving your car,
and you think to yourself,
284
00:15:02,968 --> 00:15:05,404
"Wow, this could be my job,
thank you, Uber"?
285
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,944
Hey, you ever been washing a dish,
and you…
286
00:15:12,444 --> 00:15:15,047
think to yourself,
"Wow, this could be my job.
287
00:15:15,481 --> 00:15:16,882
Thank you, Uber.
288
00:15:16,949 --> 00:15:20,920
I'll just wash this dish,
all the dishes I can get my hands on, man.
289
00:15:20,986 --> 00:15:23,722
Just let everybody bring me dishes
and I'm gonna wash 'em"?
290
00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:26,825
You ever cook a meal
for your friends and family,
291
00:15:26,892 --> 00:15:29,104
and then you serve it to 'em,
then you think to yourself,
292
00:15:29,128 --> 00:15:31,697
"Whoa, this could be my job.
293
00:15:33,132 --> 00:15:35,634
Thank you, Uber.
What are you doing to me, Uber?
294
00:15:35,801 --> 00:15:37,369
What the hell's going on here?"
295
00:15:38,370 --> 00:15:41,707
You ever been sitting in your cubicle
for eight hours a day at work
296
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:44,109
because that's what you do,
and then you think to yourself,
297
00:15:44,176 --> 00:15:46,111
"Wow, this could be my job.
298
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:50,015
I could work at my job
for another eight or 16 hours
299
00:15:50,082 --> 00:15:53,652
on top of actually working at my job,
and my work can become my life,
300
00:15:53,819 --> 00:15:55,354
my life can become my work.
301
00:15:55,421 --> 00:15:57,756
Uber. Uber. Uber."
302
00:15:57,823 --> 00:16:01,827
Hey, you ever been the leader of Germany,
and you accidentally invade Poland?
303
00:16:02,094 --> 00:16:05,064
♪ Deutschland über alles ♪
304
00:16:05,197 --> 00:16:07,666
♪ Über, Über, Über ♪
305
00:16:07,733 --> 00:16:10,703
Hey, you ever been pushing a rock
up a mountain for all of eternity,
306
00:16:10,769 --> 00:16:12,438
and you stop and you say to yourself,
307
00:16:12,504 --> 00:16:15,074
"Wow, this could be my job.
308
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:18,010
What the hell are you doing to me, Uber?"
309
00:16:27,019 --> 00:16:28,887
"Coming soon from Uber:
310
00:16:29,154 --> 00:16:30,823
standardized gray uniforms,
311
00:16:30,889 --> 00:16:32,791
so whether you're pushing a rock
up a hill,
312
00:16:32,858 --> 00:16:34,426
accidentally invading Poland,
313
00:16:34,493 --> 00:16:36,562
working at your job
by working at your job,
314
00:16:36,628 --> 00:16:38,668
washing a dish, cooking a meal,
or driving your car,
315
00:16:38,697 --> 00:16:41,400
you'll all look the same,
part of the Uber team.
316
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:44,970
Uber: we're German,
and we're coming to get you."
317
00:16:47,940 --> 00:16:50,542
♪ Uber, Uber, Uber ♪
318
00:16:50,609 --> 00:16:51,877
♪ I made it out of... ♪
319
00:16:51,944 --> 00:16:53,212
Hey, wow!
320
00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:59,284
"My heart and soul…
321
00:17:00,652 --> 00:17:02,955
have been poisoned for so long, now.
322
00:17:04,223 --> 00:17:05,824
I don't know how it started.
323
00:17:07,493 --> 00:17:09,895
I need to step outside my body,
324
00:17:10,429 --> 00:17:13,565
and dip my rotting spirit…
325
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:18,237
into the warm, rushing waves
of humanity's caress…
326
00:17:19,071 --> 00:17:23,609
absorbing the moisture of fearlessness
and honesty.
327
00:17:23,675 --> 00:17:26,045
So leave me a beep,
and I'll get right back to you. Beep."
328
00:17:29,314 --> 00:17:31,517
Oh, yeah,
that'll scare away creditors, boy.
329
00:17:33,519 --> 00:17:35,187
Send them on a super freak-out.
330
00:17:37,089 --> 00:17:40,592
Oh, you ever been on stage,
using a microphone, talking to people,
331
00:17:40,659 --> 00:17:43,695
and you think to yourself,
"Whoa, this could be my job"?
332
00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:50,536
I've had different ways
of looking at my job.
333
00:17:50,602 --> 00:17:53,739
You know, I gotta tell you something.
I saw a clip of myself from 20 years ago,
334
00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:55,641
and apparently, I thought back then
335
00:17:55,707 --> 00:17:57,667
that people just paid to watch me
drink and smoke.
336
00:18:03,382 --> 00:18:08,487
And now, since they changed the laws,
I gotta use words and other such trickery.
337
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:17,563
Hey, you know why
you can't smoke at bar anymore?
338
00:18:17,629 --> 00:18:19,798
Me! I'm the reason.
339
00:18:20,899 --> 00:18:25,170
I still remember when they lowered
the blood alcohol content from .10 to .08.
340
00:18:25,237 --> 00:18:29,241
I said, "No problem,
I'll just put on another 75 pounds."
341
00:18:33,579 --> 00:18:35,180
It's a math problem.
342
00:18:36,081 --> 00:18:36,949
That's all it is.
343
00:18:37,015 --> 00:18:39,585
And I'm not saying
that makes it any easier, boy, 'cause…
344
00:18:39,651 --> 00:18:40,986
you know, math is hard.
345
00:18:42,054 --> 00:18:43,622
It's the universal language.
346
00:18:43,722 --> 00:18:46,725
Everything runs on math,
that's how we figure everything out.
347
00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:50,863
That's why this country is in such shite,
because we're terrible at math!
348
00:18:51,497 --> 00:18:55,934
I mean, out of 200 nations on this planet,
we rank 193rd.
349
00:18:56,668 --> 00:18:58,971
I don't even know
if those numbers are correct.
350
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:04,376
Oh, that's how bad I suck at math.
351
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:07,946
But I found a problem on the internet,
352
00:19:08,947 --> 00:19:11,383
and I tell you,
it's a third grade math problem, okay?
353
00:19:11,450 --> 00:19:12,484
Third-grade level.
354
00:19:12,551 --> 00:19:14,711
So what I'm gonna do is,
I'm gonna tell it for you now,
355
00:19:14,753 --> 00:19:16,421
and see if anybody can guess it, okay?
356
00:19:17,422 --> 00:19:20,125
Okay, good. This is third-grade level,
so it shouldn't…
357
00:19:21,260 --> 00:19:22,561
It shouldn't be too hard.
358
00:19:24,429 --> 00:19:25,429
A man…
359
00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:28,167
imprisoned by his own self-awareness,
360
00:19:30,269 --> 00:19:33,705
boards a train in New York
bound for Chicago.
361
00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:37,142
He is carrying an empty notebook
362
00:19:37,342 --> 00:19:40,846
that he must fill with brutally-honest,
soul-wrenching poetry…
363
00:19:41,513 --> 00:19:43,849
before he reaches Chicago.
364
00:19:44,249 --> 00:19:47,286
He's wearing a cape with a raven on it.
365
00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:54,359
The train is traveling at a speed
that is unknown.
366
00:19:58,297 --> 00:19:59,665
Meanwhile…
367
00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:03,135
on a warm day at Venice beach,
368
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:07,172
a patchouli-reeking folk singer
is playing his songs for passersby.
369
00:20:07,472 --> 00:20:10,542
Oh, at the end of the day,
he asked a palm reader
370
00:20:10,609 --> 00:20:11,944
for a ride back in Hollywood,
371
00:20:12,010 --> 00:20:15,347
not realizing neither one of them
knows where they are!
372
00:20:16,615 --> 00:20:20,786
Now, neither the tortured poet
or the patchouli-reeking folk singer
373
00:20:20,852 --> 00:20:22,421
would ever make it to Chicago.
374
00:20:22,554 --> 00:20:25,591
So, the question that must be answered is:
Who will get there first?
375
00:20:28,694 --> 00:20:31,096
I'll tell you who will get there first.
Nobody.
376
00:20:31,163 --> 00:20:32,965
It doesn't matter, to hell with it.
377
00:20:33,031 --> 00:20:34,742
To hell with the whole
goddamn math problem,
378
00:20:34,766 --> 00:20:37,636
the hell with math itself,
the hell with the train,
379
00:20:37,769 --> 00:20:39,104
the hell with the folk singer,
380
00:20:39,171 --> 00:20:42,341
the hell with the poet,
the hell with the cape,
381
00:20:42,407 --> 00:20:43,342
the hell with the r...
382
00:20:43,408 --> 00:20:44,943
Raven, we'll keep the raven.
383
00:20:45,010 --> 00:20:46,678
I like ravens.
384
00:20:48,380 --> 00:20:51,125
The hell with the whole damn thing.
It really doesn't matter, you know?
385
00:20:51,149 --> 00:20:53,418
Six of one, half a dozen of another.
Am I right?
386
00:20:53,552 --> 00:20:54,552
Yeah!
387
00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:58,257
You can lead a horse to water,
but you better be strong and determined
388
00:20:58,323 --> 00:21:00,192
if you're gonna drown the damn thing.
389
00:21:01,660 --> 00:21:03,996
When in Rome, stay in a hotel.
390
00:21:07,766 --> 00:21:11,003
You build your castles out of sand.
You're playing on a beach.
391
00:21:11,069 --> 00:21:13,305
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
392
00:21:13,538 --> 00:21:16,341
Then you can kick down my office door,
demand a raise.
393
00:21:16,508 --> 00:21:20,746
Sticks and stones might break my bones
but so would an 80-pound carrot!
394
00:21:20,812 --> 00:21:21,913
Folks!
395
00:21:26,485 --> 00:21:27,552
Well, let's face it…
396
00:21:28,553 --> 00:21:29,621
if it weren't for me,
397
00:21:29,688 --> 00:21:32,224
these clothes would be in a pile,
right there.
398
00:21:41,266 --> 00:21:42,266
Okay.
399
00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:45,704
This is probably a really bad time
to bring this up.
400
00:21:47,472 --> 00:21:49,775
But I don't wanna be a comic anymore.
401
00:21:53,912 --> 00:21:57,049
I wanna quit comedy, man.
I wanna become a storm chaser!
402
00:21:58,050 --> 00:21:59,518
Could you see that, man? Ooh!
403
00:21:59,584 --> 00:22:01,486
Bob Rubin, storm chaser!
404
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:05,324
I'll start off easy.
Maybe get after a slow-moving cold front.
405
00:22:09,027 --> 00:22:12,364
Maybe I'll attach some lightning bolts
to my Uncle Billy, and make him yell out…
406
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:16,335
Chase them around the yard.
407
00:22:18,570 --> 00:22:22,240
Or maybe I'll just start chasing down
sunny days!
408
00:22:23,241 --> 00:22:26,745
Or maybe I'll just change my name
to Sunny Days
409
00:22:26,812 --> 00:22:28,647
and start singing country western.
410
00:22:30,282 --> 00:22:32,451
Boy, oh boy,
my mom would have been proud of me,
411
00:22:32,517 --> 00:22:37,189
seeing me in that storm chasers uniform,
with that junior radar patch. Oh, yeah!
412
00:22:38,523 --> 00:22:39,591
My mom, man.
413
00:22:39,791 --> 00:22:42,527
I still remember
the first time she saw me perform.
414
00:22:42,861 --> 00:22:44,763
She came up to me afterwards and went…
415
00:22:50,502 --> 00:22:51,502
"I don't get it.
416
00:22:54,339 --> 00:22:56,007
You're weird, I'll give you that.
417
00:22:58,009 --> 00:22:59,009
But I don't get it."
418
00:23:01,046 --> 00:23:03,849
I looked at her and I said,
"I'm weird, Mom?
419
00:23:04,649 --> 00:23:07,085
I'm… weird?
420
00:23:10,155 --> 00:23:11,556
Let me ask you something, Mom.
421
00:23:11,623 --> 00:23:14,593
Who was the one that put
that spinning dinosaur head above my crib
422
00:23:14,659 --> 00:23:16,828
when my arms were too short
to take it down?
423
00:23:17,829 --> 00:23:20,999
Huh, Mom? Who's the one
that took me to see Fantasia?
424
00:23:21,066 --> 00:23:22,066
Huh, Mom?
425
00:23:22,534 --> 00:23:25,170
Who's the one that made me dress up
one night a year like a freak,
426
00:23:25,237 --> 00:23:28,015
I didn't even know which night it was,
and made me go to strange houses,
427
00:23:28,039 --> 00:23:29,074
and beg for candy?
428
00:23:29,908 --> 00:23:31,443
Huh, Mom? And here's the real kicker.
429
00:23:31,510 --> 00:23:33,879
Who's the one that read me
all those Dr. Seuss books,
430
00:23:33,945 --> 00:23:37,149
and never, ever told me
that he'd never write another book again?
431
00:23:37,783 --> 00:23:40,419
Horton Hears a Who! Horton Hears a Who!
432
00:23:40,485 --> 00:23:42,554
Horton's through hearing a Who.
433
00:23:43,321 --> 00:23:44,356
Weird, Mom?
434
00:23:44,523 --> 00:23:47,225
Let me tell you something.
You're practically walked me by the hand
435
00:23:47,292 --> 00:23:48,660
to that first hit of acid."
436
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:56,868
That's not something they tell you about.
437
00:23:56,935 --> 00:23:59,414
It's, like, you gotta be afraid
of the acid flashback, you know?
438
00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:02,383
They're not really comping to the fact
whether it's a dangerous drug or not,
439
00:24:02,407 --> 00:24:06,077
but they're saying the dangerous effect
is when you get the flashbacks, boy.
440
00:24:06,144 --> 00:24:09,014
Oh, yes, be afraid of the flashbacks.
You better fear the fl...
441
00:24:09,548 --> 00:24:12,484
Fear the flashbacks? Are you kidding me?
I embrace them.
442
00:24:13,585 --> 00:24:15,854
I'm telling you something,
if it weren't for flashbacks…
443
00:24:18,657 --> 00:24:21,026
the last 20 minutes
would have been dead silent.
444
00:24:23,562 --> 00:24:24,596
I guarantee it.
445
00:24:29,201 --> 00:24:30,201
No, but…
446
00:24:30,969 --> 00:24:33,581
But, you know, what they don't tell you
about are the lost moments.
447
00:24:33,605 --> 00:24:36,541
You know, the lost moments on acid.
That's a little bit scary, you know?
448
00:24:36,608 --> 00:24:38,889
You could be out having a beer
with your friend, you know?
449
00:24:38,944 --> 00:24:42,380
Having a great time, and you're going,
"Wow, this is a great beer."
450
00:24:42,514 --> 00:24:45,617
I'm having a great time,
with great friends, the music's great,
451
00:24:45,684 --> 00:24:47,524
then all of sudden,
you're ripped out of there,
452
00:24:47,586 --> 00:24:50,055
and you're in a bank,
wearing a suit, trying to secure a loan.
453
00:24:53,458 --> 00:24:55,360
No, that's the fear that I live with.
454
00:24:55,660 --> 00:24:58,063
Live with a terrible fear
that one day I'll wake up
455
00:24:58,129 --> 00:25:00,465
and I'm in a bank, wearing a suit,
trying to secure a loan.
456
00:25:02,334 --> 00:25:05,036
"Says here, Mr. Rubin,
that you're a storm chaser?"
457
00:25:07,739 --> 00:25:10,108
"Yes, sir.
That's right, I'm a storm chaser."
458
00:25:11,009 --> 00:25:12,009
"Uh-huh.
459
00:25:12,544 --> 00:25:15,614
And it says here
you were a comedian for 35 years?"
460
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:17,983
"Oh, yes, sir.
I did that for all those years."
461
00:25:18,917 --> 00:25:23,088
"Uh-huh. And it says here, in 1980,
you sold seeds door-to-door?"
462
00:25:26,625 --> 00:25:28,960
"That's right, sir.
I sold seeds door-to-door.
463
00:25:29,060 --> 00:25:32,030
And I just want to tell you something.
If you give me the money,
464
00:25:32,097 --> 00:25:34,699
what I'm gonna do
is use it to start a Kickstarter campaign.
465
00:25:34,766 --> 00:25:37,769
The money I raise from that, I'm gonna use
to take tap and dance lessons,
466
00:25:37,836 --> 00:25:41,082
then I'm gonna enter some beauty projects,
and when I win, I'm gonna take that one...
467
00:25:41,106 --> 00:25:42,941
What the fuck am I doing in a bank?
468
00:25:43,041 --> 00:25:45,810
Everybody, on the ground!
Down on the fucking ground!
469
00:25:45,877 --> 00:25:47,679
Now! Now! Now!"
470
00:25:59,991 --> 00:26:00,991
Man…
471
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:03,094
my pipes are shot.
472
00:26:06,097 --> 00:26:08,233
Well, you know what it is?
I've been doing a lot of…
473
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:09,601
Shakespeare in the park.
474
00:26:13,538 --> 00:26:14,573
I think I have.
475
00:26:16,308 --> 00:26:19,778
I don't know, man. It's a fine line
between Shakespeare in the park
476
00:26:19,844 --> 00:26:20,844
and homelessness.
477
00:26:27,619 --> 00:26:30,822
Oh, how could you make fun of the classic?
478
00:26:31,489 --> 00:26:33,892
The Bard. Do not make fun of the Bard.
479
00:26:33,959 --> 00:26:37,662
I have studied at the Theater
of the Academy of the Royal Wow.
480
00:26:39,230 --> 00:26:42,567
I have studied the Bard for 75,000 hours.
481
00:26:42,968 --> 00:26:45,837
I am the Bard. I am Hamlet.
482
00:26:45,971 --> 00:26:47,839
You know,
don't take that shit so seriously.
483
00:26:47,906 --> 00:26:49,207
Let me tell you something.
484
00:26:49,541 --> 00:26:53,011
Shakespeare wrote everything
with a really long feather.
485
00:27:05,023 --> 00:27:06,725
You know, I think he did.
486
00:27:12,998 --> 00:27:14,633
People of San Francisco...
487
00:27:16,034 --> 00:27:17,402
heed my words.
488
00:27:19,137 --> 00:27:21,139
Your chancellor has fallen ill.
489
00:27:22,674 --> 00:27:24,542
Your hair clamps have been seized,
490
00:27:25,110 --> 00:27:27,646
and your powdered wigs are stained
with the blood of revolution.
491
00:27:27,712 --> 00:27:30,615
Grace no more shall fall upon
your frozen hope.
492
00:27:31,116 --> 00:27:34,152
The billage pump of change has been capped
and stalled
493
00:27:34,219 --> 00:27:36,955
as your progress
and resting chambers become.
494
00:27:37,389 --> 00:27:39,224
I am the harbinger in me,
495
00:27:39,290 --> 00:27:41,826
and everything that I see now
belongs to me.
496
00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:46,031
And all of you will now live like dogs
at the bootheel of misery.
497
00:27:47,098 --> 00:27:52,103
People of San Francisco, heed my words.
Your Giants cannot save you now.
498
00:27:56,107 --> 00:27:59,744
Everything that I'm wearing
before you now…
499
00:28:00,111 --> 00:28:03,848
is available at rubetime.com, so...
500
00:28:06,885 --> 00:28:08,953
Stop on by and…
501
00:28:09,921 --> 00:28:13,925
why don't you get a t-shirt,
or maybe a bumper sticker, or…
502
00:28:14,025 --> 00:28:17,095
please, get a bobblehead.
Man, I really overestimated...
503
00:28:19,064 --> 00:28:21,266
the market, man.
I got a small apartment, man,
504
00:28:21,332 --> 00:28:24,135
there's 250,000 bobbleheads
in there, just...
505
00:28:24,369 --> 00:28:25,870
Click, click, click, click.
506
00:28:25,937 --> 00:28:30,108
There all actual size,
and they're clicking, clicking, clicking.
507
00:28:30,275 --> 00:28:37,248
Click, click, click, click.
508
00:28:37,916 --> 00:28:40,218
Not really sure
why I unpacked all of them but…
509
00:28:43,188 --> 00:28:44,956
Should have just unpacked them
one at a time
510
00:28:45,023 --> 00:28:46,691
as the orders came in, right?
511
00:28:48,326 --> 00:28:50,395
Hey, this is exciting news, but, uh…
512
00:28:51,129 --> 00:28:56,434
my… insurance company just approved me
for unnecessary plastic surgery.
513
00:28:59,370 --> 00:29:04,809
Oh, yeah, man. So, what I'm gonna do
is I'm gonna get my lips injected with…
514
00:29:04,876 --> 00:29:05,876
red wax.
515
00:29:06,111 --> 00:29:10,181
And then, I'm gonna have
my chompers replaced with wind-up teeth,
516
00:29:10,248 --> 00:29:11,516
'cause then, I'll be a natural.
517
00:29:12,550 --> 00:29:13,418
Oh, yeah,
518
00:29:13,518 --> 00:29:17,522
♪ It's a long way to the big top
If you wanna clown around ♪
519
00:29:18,890 --> 00:29:22,460
I'm gonna have a nose, a second nose
put on my forehead upside down.
520
00:29:24,462 --> 00:29:25,730
I don't know why.
521
00:29:26,831 --> 00:29:28,533
But it is unnecessary.
522
00:29:31,936 --> 00:29:33,304
Well, now it's unnecessary.
523
00:29:33,371 --> 00:29:36,541
Back in the '80s, I would have been
a feared man at the parties, boy.
524
00:29:38,510 --> 00:29:40,678
You gotta be passionate
about something though, huh?
525
00:29:40,745 --> 00:29:44,315
That's what I'm talking about.
Look at the sweat we put in here tonight.
526
00:29:44,682 --> 00:29:47,385
Look at the drinking
that we've committed to.
527
00:29:47,786 --> 00:29:50,688
Look at the horrible things
we're all going to do later on.
528
00:29:50,755 --> 00:29:53,491
And by that I mean,
some point way later in your life
529
00:29:53,558 --> 00:29:55,360
when I'm not in the picture anymore.
530
00:30:02,500 --> 00:30:05,403
You just got to be passionate, boy,
like Beethoven.
531
00:30:06,237 --> 00:30:09,407
I heard that when he composed,
he would hold his head like this.
532
00:30:10,675 --> 00:30:15,446
He's afraid that his pencilwould fall out
from behind his ear.
533
00:30:17,015 --> 00:30:20,251
Van Gogh, that crazy bastard,
he chopped his ear clean off
534
00:30:20,718 --> 00:30:23,154
because he thought
his pencil was mocking him.
535
00:30:25,123 --> 00:30:28,893
"Alright, alright, who painted this penis
on my forehead
536
00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:30,461
when I was passed out drunk?
537
00:30:32,463 --> 00:30:35,033
Don't say Gauguin,
because he's a realist."
538
00:30:37,402 --> 00:30:39,470
Oh, I just finished writing
my first screenplay
539
00:30:39,537 --> 00:30:42,316
using only the letters "P" and "H,"
and they're silent, and it's going…
540
00:30:48,546 --> 00:30:50,381
What else?
Oh, I'm throwing an awards banquet
541
00:30:50,448 --> 00:30:52,116
for the voices I hear in my head.
542
00:30:55,653 --> 00:30:58,256
And Fox TV wants me to star
in this new show.
543
00:30:58,957 --> 00:31:01,459
The Boy in the Plastic Bubble,
the Next Generation.
544
00:31:02,994 --> 00:31:04,162
Well, I don't know if I can,
545
00:31:04,229 --> 00:31:06,531
'cause that hits a little bit
too close to home for me.
546
00:31:06,598 --> 00:31:07,899
You know, when I was little=...
547
00:31:07,966 --> 00:31:12,503
When I was growing up, there was a kid
in our neighborhood named Timmy!
548
00:31:14,405 --> 00:31:17,575
And poor little Timmy...
549
00:31:17,876 --> 00:31:22,113
born with a terrible fear that, one day,
he'd be crushed to death by a meteorite.
550
00:31:23,348 --> 00:31:25,783
So, he spent his whole life
in a concrete bubble.
551
00:31:28,353 --> 00:31:32,190
Well, we tired to do things
with little Timmy... to help him fit in.
552
00:31:32,257 --> 00:31:33,937
But, you know, sometimes it wouldn't work.
553
00:31:34,525 --> 00:31:37,061
Like, in the summertime,
we'd go out to the lake water skiing,
554
00:31:37,128 --> 00:31:38,529
attach a rope to his bubble…
555
00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:43,568
end up dragging him along the bottom
of the lake with us all day long.
556
00:31:44,068 --> 00:31:47,872
Poor little Timmy... just didn't fit in.
557
00:31:47,939 --> 00:31:50,041
But that's how we found
old man Johnson's body.
558
00:31:50,108 --> 00:31:51,943
Ooh, solving murders.
559
00:31:54,012 --> 00:31:57,248
No, no, not everything I do
has to be silly and stupid,
560
00:31:57,315 --> 00:31:59,550
I'm solving murders sometimes.
561
00:32:09,394 --> 00:32:12,463
I'm from West Virginia, and I'm Jewish.
That's kind of odd.
562
00:32:14,065 --> 00:32:16,634
Jewish hillbilly.
Means I wasn't really circumcised.
563
00:32:16,701 --> 00:32:19,103
A rabbi just sort of whittled on me
a little bit.
564
00:32:24,475 --> 00:32:26,678
I was born nine months premature.
565
00:32:29,414 --> 00:32:31,816
Yeah, my parents got done having sex
one night,
566
00:32:31,883 --> 00:32:34,085
and they heard a thud
on their bedroom floor.
567
00:32:37,322 --> 00:32:40,992
Oh, yeah, man. Well, they scooped me up…
568
00:32:42,694 --> 00:32:44,162
rushed me to the hospital.
569
00:32:44,862 --> 00:32:46,798
Doctor said I wouldn't make it
through the night,
570
00:32:46,864 --> 00:32:48,132
but when the sun broke…
571
00:32:48,199 --> 00:32:50,802
I drunk 'em all under the table!
572
00:32:53,905 --> 00:32:56,808
You can't keep a good man down.
573
00:32:58,810 --> 00:33:01,846
I try to stay current on current things.
574
00:33:05,183 --> 00:33:07,885
I know what you're thinking.
"Please, we just came here
575
00:33:07,952 --> 00:33:09,787
to get a little goofy,
and drink some drinks.
576
00:33:09,854 --> 00:33:12,323
Could you back off
the hard-hitting political stuff?"
577
00:33:15,793 --> 00:33:18,396
But I was just wondering
about this thing, man, that…
578
00:33:19,731 --> 00:33:22,867
It's on the internet. In the chat...
Internet sex chat.
579
00:33:22,934 --> 00:33:24,535
Do you know what I'm talking about?
580
00:33:24,602 --> 00:33:25,602
Yeah!
581
00:33:26,037 --> 00:33:27,872
Yeah, I... Wow. Wow.
582
00:33:28,873 --> 00:33:30,975
Not sure if I can wrap my head around it.
583
00:33:32,877 --> 00:33:35,380
First of all,
sitting at your computer naked...
584
00:33:37,582 --> 00:33:38,883
That's pretty weird, man.
585
00:33:41,085 --> 00:33:44,622
Secondly, by the time
that guy brings you his latte,
586
00:33:48,226 --> 00:33:49,694
everybody's looking at you.
587
00:33:58,870 --> 00:34:00,071
We live in a world…
588
00:34:00,938 --> 00:34:04,275
where everybody's trying to tell
everybody else how to live, man.
589
00:34:04,342 --> 00:34:05,510
It's just ridiculous.
590
00:34:06,577 --> 00:34:08,513
And I've read some of those books,
you know?
591
00:34:08,579 --> 00:34:11,015
I've read The Secret, I've read The Power,
592
00:34:11,182 --> 00:34:14,152
I've read The 11 Missing Laws
of the Secret.
593
00:34:14,385 --> 00:34:18,689
I've read Think and Grow Rich,
How to Win at Vegan Blackjack,
594
00:34:18,756 --> 00:34:22,860
The Traveling Sister of the Ya-Ya Pants,
Deepak Chopra, the whole ball of wax.
595
00:34:22,927 --> 00:34:24,195
And I gotta tell you something.
596
00:34:24,262 --> 00:34:27,732
Way before all that noise,
I wrote my own self-help book.
597
00:34:28,766 --> 00:34:31,869
It's called Hey, Let's Do Some Cocaine.
598
00:34:39,343 --> 00:34:42,246
I didn't say, "Let's do a lot of cocaine."
599
00:34:43,648 --> 00:34:47,385
The book's not called
Hey, Let's Binge for Three Days.
600
00:34:48,052 --> 00:34:50,721
No, it's Let's Do Some Cocaine.
601
00:34:53,357 --> 00:34:56,027
Now, a lot of you people
in the room tonight
602
00:34:56,094 --> 00:34:57,929
have already taken the first step.
603
00:35:01,399 --> 00:35:05,803
So, why not go ahead and order my book,
and you'll be able to find out
604
00:35:05,870 --> 00:35:10,208
about the over 500 levels
of enlightenment, boy.
605
00:35:13,711 --> 00:35:16,351
Lemme give you a little taste,
little bump of what you're gonna get
606
00:35:16,380 --> 00:35:17,380
out of this thing, man.
607
00:35:19,484 --> 00:35:20,484
Level one:
608
00:35:21,285 --> 00:35:22,887
"Hey, lets do some cocaine."
609
00:35:23,354 --> 00:35:25,056
This is where you do some cocaine.
610
00:35:25,656 --> 00:35:26,696
And you think to yourself,
611
00:35:26,757 --> 00:35:28,826
"What was I worried about?
I feel pretty good."
612
00:35:31,362 --> 00:35:32,396
Level two:
613
00:35:33,598 --> 00:35:35,466
"Hey, let's do some cocaine."
614
00:35:36,634 --> 00:35:38,836
Oh, boy. This is where you do
some more coke
615
00:35:38,903 --> 00:35:40,938
and you start to unlock
the power of the universe
616
00:35:41,005 --> 00:35:44,041
and even though you're not anymore,
you can swear you're still in your 20s.
617
00:35:47,311 --> 00:35:48,146
Level three:
618
00:35:48,212 --> 00:35:50,281
"Really?
'Cause I've got a million of them."
619
00:35:50,414 --> 00:35:52,316
This is where
you start to master the euphoria.
620
00:35:52,383 --> 00:35:53,484
This is where you realize
621
00:35:53,551 --> 00:35:56,521
where the other
400 levels of creativity come from.
622
00:35:58,523 --> 00:36:00,158
Which leads to level four.
623
00:36:00,591 --> 00:36:02,860
All the laughter
is sucked out of the room.
624
00:36:04,028 --> 00:36:08,099
And everybody has turned into an endless,
chattering buzz saw
625
00:36:08,199 --> 00:36:11,369
that forms one big soul-sucking robot.
626
00:36:12,203 --> 00:36:14,372
Which leads to level five:
627
00:36:14,438 --> 00:36:16,274
sheer terror and anxiety.
628
00:36:17,275 --> 00:36:19,410
Now, this is where
the real heavy lifting comes in,
629
00:36:19,477 --> 00:36:21,955
because you realize, if you wanna get
what you want out of life,
630
00:36:21,979 --> 00:36:23,859
you wanna be successful,
and you wanna be happy,
631
00:36:23,915 --> 00:36:25,349
you gotta know who you are first.
632
00:36:25,416 --> 00:36:27,618
And, brother,
when you're knee-deep in level five,
633
00:36:27,685 --> 00:36:29,954
you'll have plenty of time
to figure that out.
634
00:36:32,223 --> 00:36:35,326
And that leads to level six:
The sun's up, you're out of book!
635
00:36:38,329 --> 00:36:41,199
Time to buy some new copies,
and that's okay with me,
636
00:36:41,265 --> 00:36:44,936
because I wrote the book,
Hey, Let's Do Some Cocaine.
637
00:36:52,677 --> 00:36:55,179
Fantastic, you're a great crowd.
You don't really...
638
00:36:55,246 --> 00:36:58,115
You can't get away with book humor
that much anymore, you know?
639
00:37:00,151 --> 00:37:01,419
You really can't!
640
00:37:03,654 --> 00:37:07,024
I had a cop pull me over, because...
641
00:37:07,124 --> 00:37:09,560
He pulled me over at night,
which blew my mind,
642
00:37:09,627 --> 00:37:11,362
because he said my tags were expired.
643
00:37:11,429 --> 00:37:15,833
Now, what blew my mind was that my tags
have been expired for so long
644
00:37:15,900 --> 00:37:18,269
that the color's
actually come back around again.
645
00:37:25,243 --> 00:37:29,180
And I'm thinking, "Boy, you gotta be
a real stickler to get that one."
646
00:37:30,715 --> 00:37:32,016
Motorcycle cop, man.
647
00:37:32,083 --> 00:37:34,528
Those are the most dangerous ones
out there, and you know what?
648
00:37:34,552 --> 00:37:35,786
All he said was,
649
00:37:36,220 --> 00:37:39,290
"You know, if you park that truck
out on the street, they're gonna tow it."
650
00:37:39,357 --> 00:37:42,560
And then he splits, man.
I thought I was in all kinds of trouble.
651
00:37:42,627 --> 00:37:45,162
He just leaves, you know?
But I couldn't leave it at that.
652
00:37:45,429 --> 00:37:46,564
I figure, he's a cop.
653
00:37:46,697 --> 00:37:49,066
He probably has
an absurd sense of humor, right?
654
00:37:54,038 --> 00:37:56,440
Well, I say, "Hey officer,
officer, one more thing!
655
00:37:56,907 --> 00:38:00,011
Uh, uh, they legalized gay marriage…
656
00:38:00,544 --> 00:38:01,612
and…
657
00:38:02,446 --> 00:38:03,481
heroin, right?"
658
00:38:05,783 --> 00:38:06,784
He didn't laugh.
659
00:38:08,919 --> 00:38:11,122
He pulled me out of that truck so fast,
660
00:38:11,188 --> 00:38:13,024
kicked me to the ground,
had me handcuffed,
661
00:38:13,090 --> 00:38:16,527
and he searched my truck for an hour,
tearing it apart. And you know what?
662
00:38:17,395 --> 00:38:19,864
He found a shitload of gay marriage.
663
00:38:24,735 --> 00:38:26,470
Yeah, and you know what else?
664
00:38:26,537 --> 00:38:29,774
It turns out that gay marriage
with intent to distribute...
665
00:38:30,107 --> 00:38:31,309
still illegal!
666
00:38:32,410 --> 00:38:34,912
Driving under the influence
of gay marriage,
667
00:38:34,979 --> 00:38:36,514
still illegal!
668
00:38:37,682 --> 00:38:40,151
They lied to us, love hasn't won yet.
669
00:38:44,889 --> 00:38:46,123
But we're getting close.
670
00:38:47,124 --> 00:38:48,326
A lot of people say,
671
00:38:48,392 --> 00:38:51,295
"Rube, how come you just do a special
once every 35 years?"
672
00:38:51,362 --> 00:38:53,240
And I'll say,
"You know, it could be my manager,
673
00:38:53,264 --> 00:38:54,465
I don't wanna blame him, but…"
674
00:38:56,600 --> 00:38:57,600
You know?
675
00:38:58,469 --> 00:39:01,005
It could be Fumbles, the toothless junkie.
676
00:39:03,107 --> 00:39:05,976
That's the name of my manager:
Fumbles, the toothless junkie.
677
00:39:07,311 --> 00:39:10,681
Here comes that tall West Virginian
out onto the field.
678
00:39:10,848 --> 00:39:13,484
And here come three guys in suits.
They open a briefcase,
679
00:39:13,551 --> 00:39:16,120
they take out
what looks like a contract and a pen.
680
00:39:16,253 --> 00:39:18,532
Looks like Rube has it in his hand,
he sees some daylight.
681
00:39:18,556 --> 00:39:19,957
About to get a 3-picture deal with…
682
00:39:20,024 --> 00:39:22,126
Oh, here comes Fumbles!
683
00:39:22,226 --> 00:39:23,527
The deal's over.
684
00:39:25,563 --> 00:39:26,563
Hey…
685
00:39:27,465 --> 00:39:30,568
Sit down, I'm not done yet! Get back here!
686
00:39:37,441 --> 00:39:38,843
Thirty-five fucking years,
687
00:39:38,909 --> 00:39:41,712
and you can't wait 25 more minutes
to get a cocktail.
688
00:39:46,350 --> 00:39:48,085
Oh, yeah, man.
689
00:39:48,152 --> 00:39:50,054
When I'm not making a living
as a comedian,
690
00:39:50,121 --> 00:39:51,121
which is sometimes…
691
00:39:53,958 --> 00:39:55,860
I got a day job in Spain.
692
00:39:57,461 --> 00:39:59,930
Yeah, I work in Spain. I fight bulls.
693
00:40:01,365 --> 00:40:02,600
But I don't use a cape.
694
00:40:04,201 --> 00:40:05,703
I'm a Lubrador.
695
00:40:07,338 --> 00:40:08,873
I just get so greased up,
696
00:40:08,939 --> 00:40:10,908
the bulls glance right off of me
when they hit.
697
00:40:11,642 --> 00:40:14,111
Lubrador, el Rubio!
698
00:40:15,045 --> 00:40:18,082
El grande, largo lubrador!
699
00:40:18,149 --> 00:40:19,683
Rubio!
700
00:40:22,253 --> 00:40:25,656
I had to learn some Spanish
to get by while I'm there doing my job.
701
00:40:25,723 --> 00:40:27,203
Would you like to learn some with me?
702
00:40:29,126 --> 00:40:30,126
Okay.
703
00:40:32,963 --> 00:40:37,668
Your skin looks so lovely,
when you stand naked in a cream pie.
704
00:40:40,137 --> 00:40:43,307
Es prohibido fumar.
705
00:40:51,081 --> 00:40:53,584
Here's one you might need to know
how to say in Spanish
706
00:40:53,651 --> 00:40:56,987
if you fall out of your bed,
and end up in Spain.
707
00:40:57,288 --> 00:40:59,690
And I don't mean
that you're in a motel at Spain,
708
00:40:59,757 --> 00:41:01,992
and you have trouble sleeping,
and you fall out.
709
00:41:02,059 --> 00:41:05,629
I'm talking about you're home in San Jose,
and you fall out of your bed,
710
00:41:05,696 --> 00:41:07,865
and you wake up in Spain.
That's freaky man.
711
00:41:12,803 --> 00:41:13,803
Rabbi.
712
00:41:15,139 --> 00:41:16,139
Rabbi!
713
00:41:18,509 --> 00:41:20,478
My perro needs a new ass.
714
00:41:25,049 --> 00:41:29,019
Perro. Perro. Perro.
715
00:41:29,086 --> 00:41:31,288
I think that part already is Spanish.
Perro.
716
00:41:33,190 --> 00:41:35,893
My perro needs a new ass.
717
00:41:36,994 --> 00:41:40,030
Es prohibido fumar.
718
00:41:43,901 --> 00:41:44,935
Okay.
719
00:41:47,771 --> 00:41:49,173
Let's try one together.
720
00:41:52,676 --> 00:41:54,445
When the going gets rough,
721
00:41:55,179 --> 00:41:58,616
lay in a fetal position
and pretend you're not fit to stand trial.
722
00:42:00,351 --> 00:42:01,585
Ready? Everybody.
723
00:42:01,886 --> 00:42:05,389
- Es...
- Es prohibido fumar.
724
00:42:05,489 --> 00:42:06,490
Wow!
725
00:42:08,259 --> 00:42:09,927
You guys are good!
726
00:42:13,097 --> 00:42:18,369
♪ Spanish are the words
I can't read or understand ♪
727
00:42:18,769 --> 00:42:22,907
♪ You don't know how many times
I wish that I spoke Spanish ♪
728
00:42:23,741 --> 00:42:27,077
♪ You don't know how many times
I wish that I spoke Spanish ♪
729
00:42:27,144 --> 00:42:31,515
Like the time I went to Mexico, by myself.
I got ripped off.
730
00:42:31,615 --> 00:42:33,017
The tour guide sucked.
731
00:42:33,083 --> 00:42:34,203
I don't wanna talk about it.
732
00:42:40,424 --> 00:42:41,624
Know what I'd like to do, man?
733
00:42:41,659 --> 00:42:44,862
As soon as I go to London, man,
I wanna go to Stonehenge.
734
00:42:45,796 --> 00:42:48,098
Oh, yeah, Stonehenge.
735
00:42:48,265 --> 00:42:51,468
Everybody's wondering how did they get
those big blocks that way.
736
00:42:51,535 --> 00:42:52,803
How did the druids do it?
737
00:42:52,870 --> 00:42:56,407
I'll tell you how the druids did it.
They were fucking bored, man!
738
00:42:56,540 --> 00:43:01,445
They had no phones, no internet, no cable,
no television, no music, no anything.
739
00:43:02,046 --> 00:43:04,648
They're just sitting around a big fire,
and one guy's going,
740
00:43:06,517 --> 00:43:09,453
"I'd like to tell you the story
of the tree god,
741
00:43:09,787 --> 00:43:13,457
who leaps from treetop to treetop,
and turns into the wolf..."
742
00:43:13,524 --> 00:43:19,663
"Oh, not the tale of the tree god again.
We've heard that before."
743
00:43:21,699 --> 00:43:25,803
"Then let me tell you the fable of a god
that lived in the treetop."
744
00:43:25,869 --> 00:43:28,739
"That's the same one,
but you're just calling it a fable."
745
00:43:31,875 --> 00:43:35,546
"Alright, why don't we go over there,
where there's a giant pile of rocks,
746
00:43:35,646 --> 00:43:38,816
sit them up,
and put one rock on top of another.
747
00:43:38,882 --> 00:43:41,852
And then, 5,000 years from now,
people will scratch their heads.
748
00:43:41,919 --> 00:43:43,187
We can really fuck them up."
749
00:43:43,253 --> 00:43:44,888
"That sounds like a great idea."
750
00:43:46,357 --> 00:43:47,825
Stonehenge.
751
00:43:49,693 --> 00:43:53,030
♪ Where the druids live
And they do live well ♪
752
00:43:53,364 --> 00:43:54,498
♪ Stonehenge ♪
753
00:44:01,805 --> 00:44:04,566
Let me tell you about another night
that I should have gone to prison,
754
00:44:04,608 --> 00:44:05,643
but I didn't.
755
00:44:07,845 --> 00:44:09,780
Those are always fun stories to tell.
756
00:44:11,248 --> 00:44:12,750
I was…
757
00:44:13,651 --> 00:44:17,354
I was with a buddy of mine, man.
And I live in Hollywood, you know?
758
00:44:17,921 --> 00:44:19,289
I live in Hollywood.
759
00:44:19,356 --> 00:44:23,027
So, we went over to a friend's house
in the Valley, over in Van Nuys, and…
760
00:44:23,293 --> 00:44:25,429
You know,
we're just hanging out one night.
761
00:44:25,496 --> 00:44:27,398
And we're just…
762
00:44:27,631 --> 00:44:30,067
doing vitamins.
Just taking vitamins, hanging out.
763
00:44:32,269 --> 00:44:34,605
Talking about current events,
you know? And…
764
00:44:37,408 --> 00:44:39,343
And next thing you know, it's two o'clock.
765
00:44:39,410 --> 00:44:41,512
Time to leave, you know?
But I said to my friend,
766
00:44:41,645 --> 00:44:43,981
"Hey, do you mind if I stick around
for a little bit,
767
00:44:44,048 --> 00:44:45,916
because it's two o'clock in the morning.
768
00:44:45,983 --> 00:44:47,051
The bars just shut down,
769
00:44:47,117 --> 00:44:49,520
and all the cops are out there
on the road. It's dangerous."
770
00:44:50,020 --> 00:44:51,755
He says, "Yeah, sure, you can stay."
771
00:44:52,356 --> 00:44:54,825
So, cut to 24 hours later.
772
00:44:55,993 --> 00:44:57,928
We're still at the house,
and, by this time,
773
00:44:58,062 --> 00:45:00,097
boy, are we getting really healthy, man.
774
00:45:01,365 --> 00:45:03,400
Just doing vitamins and vitamins
and talking,
775
00:45:03,467 --> 00:45:06,570
and just having a joyous, old sweaty time.
It was...
776
00:45:09,840 --> 00:45:12,676
It was great. It was great, man, and…
777
00:45:12,943 --> 00:45:15,279
So, same thing. It's two o'clock,
and I said to my friend,
778
00:45:15,345 --> 00:45:17,848
"Hey, you mind if I wait
for another 45 minutes?"
779
00:45:20,017 --> 00:45:22,486
And this time, he says, "All right, then."
780
00:45:22,586 --> 00:45:26,390
So, 45 minutes went by,
and we decided to go this time, you know?
781
00:45:26,457 --> 00:45:28,058
And… uh...
782
00:45:28,792 --> 00:45:31,261
So, I'm about to leave,
and my friend, whose house we were at,
783
00:45:31,328 --> 00:45:34,665
he says, "Hey, Rube, you wanna...
you wanna take some acid with you?"
784
00:45:34,732 --> 00:45:36,133
And I said, "Sure, why not?"
785
00:45:37,101 --> 00:45:39,103
Pulls these sugar cubes
out of the freezer,
786
00:45:39,169 --> 00:45:41,369
and he goes, "I dunno how much
these are, man." He said…
787
00:45:42,573 --> 00:45:45,175
"Some of them have dots on them.
788
00:45:45,242 --> 00:45:48,145
That means they're double hit
or maybe a half hit. I don't even know.
789
00:45:48,212 --> 00:45:52,483
So, there's anywhere
from six to 36 hits of…
790
00:45:53,383 --> 00:45:54,218
acid here."
791
00:45:54,284 --> 00:45:57,287
And I go, "36 hits of acid?
That's Yahtzee!"
792
00:46:02,526 --> 00:46:04,561
So, I said to him... I go…
793
00:46:06,096 --> 00:46:08,365
"Can you wrap them up in cling wrap,
you know?
794
00:46:08,432 --> 00:46:11,068
Because that way,
I'll store them right here in my...
795
00:46:11,168 --> 00:46:12,035
Right here, man."
796
00:46:12,102 --> 00:46:15,305
And I don't know why,
but the police never pat you down…
797
00:46:16,073 --> 00:46:19,243
right here. They just don't, man.
So, I feel safe traveling that way.
798
00:46:20,010 --> 00:46:23,814
Oh, I always feel safe when I'm traveling
with six hits of acid in my pocket.
799
00:46:25,382 --> 00:46:27,684
So, me and my friend, we get in the truck,
800
00:46:27,751 --> 00:46:29,920
and we're on the freeway,
we're headed home…
801
00:46:30,521 --> 00:46:32,756
driving back to Hollywood,
and then the road just...
802
00:46:32,823 --> 00:46:35,325
I don't know,
it just started feeling really weird, man.
803
00:46:35,392 --> 00:46:38,061
And I mean, first of all,
now all of a sudden there's like…
804
00:46:38,328 --> 00:46:41,131
sixty-five thousand pot holes
that were freaking me out.
805
00:46:41,198 --> 00:46:42,198
I don't know why.
806
00:46:42,866 --> 00:46:46,003
Then, the whole highway
starts to flip over
807
00:46:46,069 --> 00:46:48,372
like some sort of an ocean wave, man.
808
00:46:49,106 --> 00:46:50,808
I just looked at my friend and said,
809
00:46:52,509 --> 00:46:55,412
"I'm going to get off
and take surface streets."
810
00:46:59,216 --> 00:47:01,251
So, I get off…
811
00:47:01,652 --> 00:47:05,956
and I'm pulling down a road,
and there, in the gas station, was a cop.
812
00:47:06,023 --> 00:47:07,734
And my friend says,
"Look out for that cop."
813
00:47:07,758 --> 00:47:09,026
And I go, "Yeah, I see it."
814
00:47:09,359 --> 00:47:11,161
And then... whoo!
815
00:47:11,228 --> 00:47:12,796
Okay, I didn't see that one.
816
00:47:14,398 --> 00:47:17,034
And I looked at my friend and I said,
"Alright, listen, man.
817
00:47:17,134 --> 00:47:19,703
The reason they're pulling us over
is because you're black.
818
00:47:19,770 --> 00:47:20,904
I know it's bullshit.
819
00:47:22,372 --> 00:47:26,043
I know it's complete bullshit, but please,
I wanna sleep at home tonight."
820
00:47:27,411 --> 00:47:30,280
Then I rolled down my window,
and I heard a terrible hush.
821
00:47:30,347 --> 00:47:32,816
A hush so loud,
you wouldn't even believe it, man.
822
00:47:33,016 --> 00:47:35,786
A hush of a thousand pillows
stacked on the face
823
00:47:35,853 --> 00:47:37,454
of an unconscious figure skater.
824
00:47:39,923 --> 00:47:43,093
And then, suddenly,
the left boot of the cop
825
00:47:43,193 --> 00:47:46,597
appeared by my truck,
but the rest of them hadn't got there yet.
826
00:47:47,998 --> 00:47:50,200
I'm figuring,
"Great, I got time to make up a story."
827
00:47:50,300 --> 00:47:51,969
I turn to my friend, I said, "Listen,
828
00:47:52,035 --> 00:47:54,681
we're gonna tell him we come from a land
where people live in candy,
829
00:47:54,705 --> 00:47:57,140
salmon swim downstream
and perform opera when they get there.
830
00:47:57,241 --> 00:47:58,275
Just back me up."
831
00:48:00,110 --> 00:48:02,121
Turned around,
the rest of the cop had gotten there.
832
00:48:02,145 --> 00:48:04,114
He was scary, man.
His head was over 90 feet long.
833
00:48:04,181 --> 00:48:05,782
He tries to jam it into my window.
834
00:48:06,717 --> 00:48:09,086
He tries to jam it into my window,
and he's all,
835
00:48:09,219 --> 00:48:12,256
"Drivers license, registration."
836
00:48:14,725 --> 00:48:16,960
So, I opened my glove box
and I get out this stuff,
837
00:48:17,027 --> 00:48:19,267
and I'm holding it real steady.
I didn't want it to move,
838
00:48:19,329 --> 00:48:21,565
because, for some unknown reason
in my brain,
839
00:48:21,632 --> 00:48:23,872
I thought I was handing him
an Etch A Sketch. And I said…
840
00:48:24,668 --> 00:48:25,869
I said, "Here, officer.
841
00:48:25,936 --> 00:48:28,672
Don't shake it or you're gonna lose
a lot of the important stuff."
842
00:48:33,310 --> 00:48:34,310
So, then…
843
00:48:37,381 --> 00:48:38,782
Then, the cop…
844
00:48:41,051 --> 00:48:43,086
he goes back to the truck.
845
00:48:43,887 --> 00:48:45,555
And that's when I looked down and saw it.
846
00:48:46,556 --> 00:48:49,059
A big, like, icing ring. Right here.
847
00:48:49,826 --> 00:48:51,295
Big, white ring, man.
848
00:48:51,361 --> 00:48:53,964
It looked like I had been fucking
a birthday cake.
849
00:48:56,600 --> 00:48:58,268
That's when it hit me. Why?
850
00:48:58,502 --> 00:49:01,905
Why does the skin have to be
the most porous organ in the body?
851
00:49:01,972 --> 00:49:04,241
Because what happened was,
the cling wrap gave way.
852
00:49:04,775 --> 00:49:06,743
Those six sugar cubes melted,
853
00:49:06,810 --> 00:49:09,913
and they got into my groinal elevator
and went all the way up to penthouse,
854
00:49:09,980 --> 00:49:12,582
and now I was swimming in
some deep water, boy.
855
00:49:17,754 --> 00:49:19,089
The cop comes back…
856
00:49:20,190 --> 00:49:23,026
he hands me my drivers license
and my registration,
857
00:49:23,093 --> 00:49:24,461
and you know what he says to me?
858
00:49:25,128 --> 00:49:28,398
"Alright, well, get that tail light fixed
and drive safe."
859
00:49:29,933 --> 00:49:32,903
Yeah.
I couldn't believe it, man.
860
00:49:33,136 --> 00:49:34,271
I just started singing
861
00:49:34,371 --> 00:49:37,307
♪ Wonder, wonder, miracles of miracles ♪
862
00:49:37,374 --> 00:49:40,010
♪ When David slew Goliath ♪
863
00:49:40,077 --> 00:49:41,912
♪ That was a miracle, too ♪
864
00:49:42,312 --> 00:49:44,414
Rolled up my window, I start driving away.
865
00:49:44,481 --> 00:49:46,321
We're going all the way
to the Hollywood Hills.
866
00:49:46,350 --> 00:49:47,990
Get to my friend's house, when it hit me.
867
00:49:48,051 --> 00:49:50,153
There was never anybody else in the truck.
868
00:49:52,089 --> 00:49:53,824
Thanks for coming out tonight, folks.
869
00:49:58,829 --> 00:50:00,397
You're a great crowd, thank you.
870
00:50:41,705 --> 00:50:43,473
- Rube!
- Hey, Rube!
871
00:50:44,207 --> 00:50:45,342
Rube! Rube!
872
00:50:45,642 --> 00:50:47,177
You're back! How's it going, buddy?
873
00:50:49,813 --> 00:50:50,881
Hey, buddy, how'd it go?
874
00:50:51,381 --> 00:50:53,817
Do not go out there.
875
00:50:54,351 --> 00:50:58,321
♪ Life is a struggle every day ♪
876
00:50:59,089 --> 00:51:02,759
♪ I will seek out the light
I'll try to find a way ♪
877
00:51:03,560 --> 00:51:06,863
♪ Protection comes from within ♪
878
00:51:06,930 --> 00:51:10,934
♪ I find the strength to fight
This Babylon system we're living in ♪
879
00:51:11,001 --> 00:51:12,869
♪ Keep moving forward ♪
880
00:51:12,936 --> 00:51:15,205
♪ Forward in a meditation ♪
881
00:51:15,272 --> 00:51:18,975
♪ I will turn out the light
In this vibration ♪
882
00:51:19,042 --> 00:51:21,111
♪ Pure concentration ♪
883
00:51:21,178 --> 00:51:23,080
♪ A little motivation ♪
884
00:51:23,146 --> 00:51:27,284
♪ We are here to elevate the situation ♪
885
00:51:27,350 --> 00:51:29,986
♪ Whoa, hey ♪
886
00:51:30,053 --> 00:51:31,621
♪ I'll find a way ♪
887
00:51:31,688 --> 00:51:33,056
♪ I'll find a way ♪
888
00:51:34,291 --> 00:51:35,292
♪ Find a way ♪
889
00:51:36,126 --> 00:51:39,796
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, hey
I'll find a way ♪
890
00:51:39,863 --> 00:51:41,231
♪ I'll find a way ♪
891
00:51:42,599 --> 00:51:44,067
- ♪ Find a way ♪
- ♪ Day by day ♪
892
00:51:45,068 --> 00:51:46,870
♪ Is more than possible ♪
893
00:51:47,804 --> 00:51:51,575
♪ To retain all the dreams in my heart
That seem unreachable ♪
894
00:51:52,342 --> 00:51:53,510
♪ I need to work ♪
895
00:51:54,411 --> 00:51:55,612
♪ Work harder now ♪
896
00:51:56,012 --> 00:51:59,616
♪ 'Cause everything in my life
Seems like it won't settle down ♪
897
00:52:00,484 --> 00:52:01,484
♪ I'll find a way ♪
898
00:52:02,519 --> 00:52:04,020
♪ Move through my heart ♪
899
00:52:04,788 --> 00:52:07,991
♪ People all around the world
Let's make this movement start ♪
900
00:52:08,625 --> 00:52:10,060
♪ Let's find a way ♪
901
00:52:10,660 --> 00:52:12,229
♪ Move through your heart ♪
902
00:52:12,696 --> 00:52:16,299
♪ People all around the world
Let's make this movement start ♪
903
00:52:16,800 --> 00:52:18,668
♪ Whoa, hey ♪
904
00:52:18,735 --> 00:52:20,403
♪ I'll find a way ♪
905
00:52:20,737 --> 00:52:22,472
♪ I'll find a way ♪