0000 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:10,000 YoubetCash.vip Agen Judi Online Aman & Terpercaya 000 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:15,000 Bonus Cashback Bola 6% Bonus Rollingan 0,80% 00 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:20,000 Welcome Bonus Rp 25.000 Extra Bonus Tambahan Withdraw Rp 2.000.000 0 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:25,000 CashBack Mix Parlay 100% Bonus Ajak teman 45,2% 1 00:00:05,964 --> 00:00:07,507 [futuristic techno music playing] 2 00:00:07,590 --> 00:00:09,676 [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen... 3 00:00:10,301 --> 00:00:13,388 Whitney Cummings! 4 00:00:13,638 --> 00:00:15,890 [audience cheering] 5 00:00:31,906 --> 00:00:32,906 This is awesome. 6 00:00:32,949 --> 00:00:35,910 I am shooting my fourth stand-up special this evening 7 00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:40,040 in my hometown, Washington DC. 8 00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:42,083 - [audience cheering] - Thank you. 9 00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:44,919 Thank you so much. 10 00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:48,339 A lot's happened since I made a stand-up special. 11 00:00:48,423 --> 00:00:50,091 A lot's gone on in the past year. 12 00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:51,295 I don't know if you noticed, 13 00:00:51,342 --> 00:00:54,471 but people started caring about sexual harassment all of a sudden. 14 00:00:55,221 --> 00:00:57,015 That came out of fucking nowhere. 15 00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:02,187 I feel like the sexual harassment news has finally been going on long enough 16 00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:04,147 to where my guy friends feel comfortable 17 00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:07,192 complaining about how hard it's been for them. 18 00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:09,527 Anyone have any guy friends 19 00:01:09,611 --> 00:01:13,239 who are acting like they have no idea how to behave at the office? 20 00:01:14,115 --> 00:01:15,575 All of a sudden, my guy friends say, 21 00:01:15,658 --> 00:01:18,578 "What, so I can't even hug a woman at work anymore?" 22 00:01:19,245 --> 00:01:20,914 You never could. 23 00:01:22,123 --> 00:01:23,750 It's why we're in this mess. 24 00:01:23,833 --> 00:01:26,961 No one wants to bump nipples with you at 9 a.m... 25 00:01:28,254 --> 00:01:29,714 by the Keurig machine. 26 00:01:29,798 --> 00:01:30,882 It's weird. 27 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,927 But as I say that, I want you guys to know, I get it. 28 00:01:34,010 --> 00:01:36,513 Of course you want to touch women. They're so freaking cute. 29 00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,640 They're impossible to resist. 30 00:01:38,723 --> 00:01:40,308 I relate to your frustration, 31 00:01:40,391 --> 00:01:44,646 because sometimes I will see a service dog at the airport. 32 00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:46,773 [audience laughing] 33 00:01:46,856 --> 00:01:48,650 [sparse clapping] 34 00:01:48,733 --> 00:01:50,443 And it's wearing a little vest. 35 00:01:51,319 --> 00:01:54,155 It says, "Dog working, do not pet." 36 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,242 - Now I'm in a pickle. - [audience laughing] 37 00:01:57,325 --> 00:01:59,369 Because I'm going to pet that fucking dog. 38 00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:02,205 This is going down the easy way or the hard way. 39 00:02:02,997 --> 00:02:05,625 I mean, it's a dog. It obviously wants it. 40 00:02:06,876 --> 00:02:08,878 [audience applauding] 41 00:02:09,879 --> 00:02:11,297 [audience cheering] 42 00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:13,800 I get your logic. 43 00:02:14,717 --> 00:02:17,971 And it is asking for it with that adorable little butt. 44 00:02:18,054 --> 00:02:19,347 I can see its butthole. 45 00:02:19,430 --> 00:02:22,684 If that's not asking for it, I don't know what is. 46 00:02:23,935 --> 00:02:25,645 But I don't. I never pet a service dog. 47 00:02:25,728 --> 00:02:28,808 It's that vest. You're like, "Oh, God, that dog's in the middle of something." 48 00:02:28,857 --> 00:02:29,941 You respect that vest. 49 00:02:30,024 --> 00:02:32,024 I think that's what we need to start doing at work. 50 00:02:32,068 --> 00:02:33,988 Women need to start wearing little vests to work. 51 00:02:34,571 --> 00:02:35,989 "Lady working. 52 00:02:36,739 --> 00:02:38,158 Do not hug. 53 00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:40,243 Shit to do." 54 00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:44,956 I feel like we were all getting a little sloppy at the office. 55 00:02:45,039 --> 00:02:46,199 I used to work with this guy. 56 00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:50,712 Every day, he'd run past me, he'd put his hands in between my butt cheeks, 57 00:02:50,795 --> 00:02:53,339 like this, and he'd yell to the whole office. 58 00:02:53,423 --> 00:02:56,801 He'd go, "I'm swiping a credit card, I'm swiping a credit card." 59 00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:58,970 I thought it was hilarious. 60 00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:02,557 I'd be like, "You're declined. You're declined. 61 00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:04,684 [audience laughing] 62 00:03:05,643 --> 00:03:08,271 Your card did not go through. No, it didn't." 63 00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:10,607 That's on me. That is on me. 64 00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:12,567 Um, that's my bad. 65 00:03:12,650 --> 00:03:14,194 I'm not proud of that. 66 00:03:14,777 --> 00:03:18,156 But now credit card machines, they have a chip reader now. 67 00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:20,325 [audience laughing] 68 00:03:21,993 --> 00:03:23,661 [light applause] 69 00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:26,831 So you'd have to do that, and that is not okay. That is wrong. 70 00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:28,249 That's wrong. 71 00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:31,586 I have a couple of guy friends who are trying so hard 72 00:03:31,669 --> 00:03:33,004 to not be creepy at work 73 00:03:33,087 --> 00:03:35,965 that they're doing way creepier shit by accident. 74 00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:39,093 One of my guy friends tried to compliment a woman he works with 75 00:03:39,177 --> 00:03:40,887 and he called her "wife material." 76 00:03:40,970 --> 00:03:43,139 He got in trouble and had no idea why. 77 00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:45,350 He said, "What do you mean? That's not even sexual." 78 00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:47,936 Calling a woman "wife material," that's like saying, 79 00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:50,355 [in deep voice] "I could fuck you forever. 80 00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:55,610 So I'm going to make you sign a contract, so that, if you want to get away from me, 81 00:03:55,693 --> 00:03:57,820 you have to hire a lawyer." 82 00:03:57,904 --> 00:03:59,504 Just think it through. Think it through. 83 00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:05,954 People really want to challenge me about all these women coming forward. 84 00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:07,037 Someone came up to me 85 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,800 and was like, "Well, how do these women even remember what happened?" 86 00:04:09,832 --> 00:04:13,795 Like, "Oh, because we're known for our amazing ability to forget shit. 87 00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:20,426 Uh, we're known for just letting things go after a while. It's our thing." 88 00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:25,640 Maybe some people don't understand that when you get harassed at a young age, 89 00:04:25,723 --> 00:04:28,101 you might not even put together that that's what's occurring 90 00:04:28,184 --> 00:04:29,824 until later in life when you're an adult. 91 00:04:29,852 --> 00:04:31,092 That was one of my experiences. 92 00:04:31,145 --> 00:04:35,191 When I was 19 years old, I got a job as an extra in a television show. 93 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:38,987 The first day I was there, the director, who was at least 65 years old, 94 00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:41,155 invited me into his trailer for lunch. 95 00:04:41,239 --> 00:04:43,509 So I go into his trailer. And I know what you're thinking. 96 00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:45,118 "Why did you go into his trailer?" 97 00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:47,620 Because I was an idiot. 98 00:04:47,704 --> 00:04:49,455 I was 19 years old. 99 00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:52,083 No one had told me trailers were bad. 100 00:04:52,166 --> 00:04:53,918 There was a lot of shit I didn't know. 101 00:04:54,002 --> 00:04:57,338 I also thought clear bra straps were clear. 102 00:04:57,547 --> 00:04:58,589 Um... 103 00:04:58,756 --> 00:05:03,011 I also thought that lady living with my aunt was her "roommate." 104 00:05:03,094 --> 00:05:08,016 I also thought guys could be "allergic to latex." 105 00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:10,101 There was a lot of shit... 106 00:05:10,184 --> 00:05:11,769 [audience cheers, light applause] 107 00:05:11,853 --> 00:05:14,355 ...I hadn't figured out yet. 108 00:05:15,523 --> 00:05:17,150 Don't blame me. 109 00:05:17,233 --> 00:05:19,152 So of course I go into his trailer. 110 00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:21,216 Out of nowhere, he just lunges at me. 111 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:24,258 I didn't understand what was happening because he was so much older than me. 112 00:05:24,282 --> 00:05:26,701 I thought he fell. I was like, "Are you okay? Oh, my God. 113 00:05:26,784 --> 00:05:29,203 Are you passing away? What's happening?" 114 00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:32,081 No idea what to do with that story. 115 00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:34,417 I don't remember the guy's name, but the good news is 116 00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:37,128 I did accidentally stumble upon a great way 117 00:05:37,211 --> 00:05:39,964 to deal with harassment at work from a creepy guy. 118 00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:43,134 Just pretend you think he's having a medical emergency. 119 00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:46,405 Next time a guy's like, "Hey, sweetie, want to get a drink later?" 120 00:05:46,429 --> 00:05:48,765 just go, "Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance! 121 00:05:48,848 --> 00:05:51,392 Gary thinks he's in my league! 122 00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:55,188 [audience laughing, applause] 123 00:05:55,271 --> 00:05:58,107 I don't know if it's, like, dementia or maybe it's a stroke. 124 00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:02,111 Gary thinks I would fuck him. We've got to call an ambulance! 125 00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:03,195 This is bad." 126 00:06:03,446 --> 00:06:06,824 Don't get angry. Just get very compassionate. 127 00:06:08,117 --> 00:06:09,660 That's my new approach. 128 00:06:09,744 --> 00:06:11,621 I don't even get angry at cat-callers anymore. 129 00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:14,874 My new thing with cat-callers is just do what they ask. 130 00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:18,586 Because then they'll realize it's not at all what they want. 131 00:06:19,295 --> 00:06:21,756 Next time a guy's like, "Hey, baby, smile," just be like... 132 00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:23,549 [growls menacingly] 133 00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:29,222 [chuckling] 134 00:06:30,014 --> 00:06:32,600 People really want to argue with me about this stuff. 135 00:06:32,683 --> 00:06:33,684 I had a guy come at me 136 00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:37,230 and he was like, "You know, what if women start taking advantage?" 137 00:06:37,855 --> 00:06:38,855 We got it. 138 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,609 We'll handle it when that happens. 139 00:06:41,692 --> 00:06:44,821 I love that you guys think that we have no idea 140 00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:47,281 that some women are batshit crazy. 141 00:06:47,865 --> 00:06:48,866 We know. 142 00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:52,078 Okay? We know way more shit than you know. 143 00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:56,499 We see the text messages she didn't send to you. 144 00:06:56,749 --> 00:06:58,292 [audience laughing] 145 00:06:58,459 --> 00:07:00,461 [cheering, applause] 146 00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:01,838 We know. 147 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:07,677 We see the ones that are too crazy to even get to your phone... 148 00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:10,823 because we're the ones that put a stop to that shit. 149 00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:14,142 We're the ones like, "No, you're not going to kidnap his mom. Delete it, delete it. 150 00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:17,186 Give me the phone. Give it to me. Put the phone down. 151 00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,939 That's too many bubbles. He hasn't responded in five days. 152 00:07:20,022 --> 00:07:21,022 Give me the phone. 153 00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:22,524 You're not sending that. 154 00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:25,403 You're not going to send an Adele song with six eggplant emojis. 155 00:07:25,486 --> 00:07:27,780 Give it to me. Log out now." 156 00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:31,451 We know. 157 00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:33,536 You guys just don't know that we know 158 00:07:33,619 --> 00:07:36,259 because we're in this climate where everyone's walking on eggshells 159 00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:38,749 and no one's allowed to say anything negative about a woman 160 00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:40,960 or people freak out. That's not healthy. 161 00:07:41,043 --> 00:07:43,796 We have to get back to a place where we can call out women 162 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,299 if they're acting like silly gooses. 163 00:07:47,049 --> 00:07:49,469 And there are some silly gooses out there. 164 00:07:49,552 --> 00:07:52,180 Does anyone have any girl friends that think they're "feminists," 165 00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:55,099 - but they're actually just "assholes"? - [audience laughing] 166 00:07:55,224 --> 00:07:56,476 [cheers, light applause] 167 00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:58,811 Someone's got to say it. 168 00:07:59,437 --> 00:08:02,899 But I also think we have to be patient with women right now. 169 00:08:02,982 --> 00:08:05,109 You've got to understand, this came out of nowhere. 170 00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:07,820 For thousands of years, nobody cared about our feelings, 171 00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:09,572 nobody cared about our opinions. 172 00:08:09,655 --> 00:08:12,575 Then a year ago, everyone was like, "What do you think?" It was like... 173 00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:14,494 "What the fuck? 174 00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:17,038 I'm sorry, can you just give us one second? 175 00:08:17,121 --> 00:08:18,921 We were not at all prepared for that question. 176 00:08:18,998 --> 00:08:21,334 It's just no one has ever asked us that before. 177 00:08:21,417 --> 00:08:22,617 Can you just give us a minute? 178 00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:24,420 We were just taking a selfie with dog ears. 179 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,214 Just give us one second. 180 00:08:26,297 --> 00:08:28,883 We're going to regroup and come right back to you with an answer. 181 00:08:28,966 --> 00:08:30,218 Bitches, huddle up right now. 182 00:08:30,801 --> 00:08:33,638 Um, they give a shit about us all of a sudden 183 00:08:33,721 --> 00:08:36,766 and we have absolutely no practice being listened to, 184 00:08:36,849 --> 00:08:40,019 so we need to level the fuck up right now. 185 00:08:40,102 --> 00:08:41,854 Some things need to change around here. 186 00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:45,233 First of all, the 'rosé all day' shirts have to go. 187 00:08:47,026 --> 00:08:48,736 [audience cheers] 188 00:08:49,612 --> 00:08:52,573 Just for a couple of years till we get out of the woods on this. 189 00:08:52,657 --> 00:08:56,160 'Namastay in bed, ' it's not a sophisticated argument. 190 00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:58,496 No more sassy shirts for a while. 191 00:08:58,579 --> 00:09:00,122 You stop saying, 'totes.' 192 00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:02,500 You're 40. Um... 193 00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:07,255 We might have to stop calling each other hookers and whores for a while." 194 00:09:07,338 --> 00:09:09,674 Does anyone have that girl friend? [nasally] "Hey, hooker." 195 00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:13,237 I actually think we need to steal from what guys do with their nicknames, 196 00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:16,097 because guys build each other up with their nicknames, right? 197 00:09:16,180 --> 00:09:17,181 "What up, champ?" 198 00:09:18,015 --> 00:09:19,183 "What up, chief?" 199 00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:21,060 "What up, boss?" 200 00:09:21,143 --> 00:09:24,981 Guys give each other promotions in their nicknames. 201 00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:29,610 I make television shows. I have an intern. He's 20 years old. 202 00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:32,196 People walk in, they're like, "What up, boss?" I'm like, "What? 203 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:33,489 No, I'm your boss. 204 00:09:34,448 --> 00:09:36,325 I'm your boss. That's nobody's boss. 205 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:40,204 That's my friend's nephew who was too stupid to get a job, 206 00:09:40,288 --> 00:09:42,582 so I had to give him an internship... 207 00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:45,918 - because he got a two on his SATs... - [audience cheering, applause] 208 00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:47,461 ...so that's nobody's boss. 209 00:09:48,045 --> 00:09:49,045 Okay? 210 00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:51,882 Best case scenario, he will be a hooker. 211 00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:54,594 So let's just get this... I'm your boss." 212 00:09:57,054 --> 00:09:59,056 I don't like any nicknames my girl friends give me. 213 00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:01,392 They'll be like, "Hey, honey. Hey, cupcake." 214 00:10:01,475 --> 00:10:04,371 I'm like, "What are you doing? You don't like it when guys call you that." 215 00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:07,898 Let's just all stop calling women desserts for a while. 216 00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:09,483 If you must call a woman a dessert, 217 00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:11,444 at least pick a cool dessert, you know. 218 00:10:11,527 --> 00:10:12,527 Like bear claw. 219 00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:14,572 "What up, bear claw?" That's fine. 220 00:10:15,489 --> 00:10:17,450 Mousse. "Mousse!" 221 00:10:18,326 --> 00:10:20,607 "Alright, get back in the huddle. There's more shit to do. 222 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:24,081 Okay, I think, for a while, we need to stop yelling at guys 223 00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:26,125 when they drive by in a sports car." 224 00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:27,568 Does anyone have that girl friend? 225 00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:31,255 When a guy drives by in a sports car, they go, "Sorry about your dick." 226 00:10:31,339 --> 00:10:33,049 [audience laughs] 227 00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:34,467 How is that helping? 228 00:10:35,384 --> 00:10:37,178 You're making us look like hypocrites, right? 229 00:10:37,261 --> 00:10:39,347 Because, if the roles were reversed in that scenario, 230 00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:42,183 it would be so messed up, right? If a woman drove by in a sports car 231 00:10:42,266 --> 00:10:45,811 and a guy was like, "Sorry about your giant pussy!" 232 00:10:45,895 --> 00:10:47,605 Not a good look. 233 00:10:47,688 --> 00:10:50,483 "What else? We've got to watch what we prioritize on social media. 234 00:10:50,566 --> 00:10:53,903 We've got to watch the causes we prioritize on social media. 235 00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:55,905 Free The Nipple? Not this month. Next month." 236 00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:59,009 Unless you're breastfeeding, in which case you can do whatever the hell you want 237 00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:00,713 with your nipple as far as I am concerned. 238 00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:04,914 If your nipple has proven to be of use to society, 239 00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:05,997 you may free it. 240 00:11:06,457 --> 00:11:09,335 But I think we can all agree, a breastfeeding nipple is not free. 241 00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:10,878 That nipple is working. 242 00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:13,547 We need to get it a little vest. 243 00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:15,257 Like a little, tiny... 244 00:11:16,258 --> 00:11:17,217 Like a... 245 00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:18,552 [audience cheering] 246 00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:20,554 Like a baby vest. 247 00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:25,685 I think the biggest thing I want to work on with my girl friends 248 00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:29,105 is telling the difference between empowerment and entitlement. 249 00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:31,440 It's a fine line. Very easy to confuse those two. 250 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:34,193 Like I have this one girl friend, she thinks she's very empowered, 251 00:11:34,276 --> 00:11:37,530 but she's actually just entitled and it comes out in the way that she complains 252 00:11:37,613 --> 00:11:39,740 that no man is good enough for her, 253 00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:43,786 even though all she does is talk about astrology and go to music festivals. 254 00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:46,872 She has no concept of what she deserves. 255 00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:49,583 Like, she will go to a music festival for five days 256 00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:52,128 and do drugs the entire time, and then she'll come back 257 00:11:52,211 --> 00:11:54,931 and she'll be like, "I told you, there's just no good men out there." 258 00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:58,551 No, there are good men out there. 259 00:11:58,634 --> 00:12:00,886 They're just at home with their good women. 260 00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:03,889 You're never going to meet them, because they're not at Burning Man 261 00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:07,685 watching you puke on your slutty Native American Indian costume. 262 00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:09,520 [audience laughing] 263 00:12:09,603 --> 00:12:11,605 [light applause] 264 00:12:12,231 --> 00:12:13,482 [chuckles] 265 00:12:13,774 --> 00:12:16,402 We get in fights because she generalizes a lot 266 00:12:16,485 --> 00:12:18,195 about, like, all men and all women. 267 00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:19,999 I know it's weird that I'm criticizing that, 268 00:12:20,030 --> 00:12:23,951 because generalizing about men and women did pay for my house, but... 269 00:12:24,535 --> 00:12:25,828 I'm evolving 270 00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:28,456 and I now find that really frustrating to engage with. 271 00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:30,916 I had a guy come at me on social media. 272 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,127 He said, "Well, all women are just liars." 273 00:12:33,210 --> 00:12:36,130 All women? Okay, let's say some of these women are liars. 274 00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:37,413 Just for a thought experiment. 275 00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:39,925 You have to admit the reaction of men lying 276 00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:41,929 and women lying in our culture is very different. 277 00:12:41,969 --> 00:12:43,888 You've seen the movie Catch Me If You Can. 278 00:12:43,971 --> 00:12:46,640 Great movie. It's about a con artist. He pretends to be a doctor, 279 00:12:46,724 --> 00:12:47,975 pretends to be a pilot. 280 00:12:48,058 --> 00:12:50,060 So if you're a woman and you lie, you're a monster. 281 00:12:50,144 --> 00:12:51,645 If you're a man and you lie, 282 00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:56,442 you get a movie made about you starring Leonardo DiCaprio. 283 00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:58,569 What do we get? We got fucking I, Tonya. 284 00:12:58,652 --> 00:12:59,695 That's what we got. 285 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:02,198 [audience cheers, applause] 286 00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:06,202 You have to be in a leotard for anyone to give a shit. 287 00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:08,996 I also did research on the guy that movie is based on. 288 00:13:09,079 --> 00:13:10,456 He now works at the FBI. 289 00:13:10,539 --> 00:13:14,293 They pay him millions of dollars to consult on other con artists. 290 00:13:14,376 --> 00:13:17,421 So if you're a man and you lie, that's like a hireable skill. 291 00:13:18,088 --> 00:13:19,507 People don't like when women lie. 292 00:13:19,590 --> 00:13:21,550 They get very uncomfortable when women lie. 293 00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:24,220 That's my theory about why there's no female magicians. 294 00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:25,805 [audience laughing] 295 00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:27,890 Never thought about that shit before? 296 00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:33,103 Because when men lie, we're like, "Whoa, magic!" 297 00:13:34,271 --> 00:13:36,398 If there was a female magician, after every trick, 298 00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:38,802 everyone in the audience would be like, "I fucking knew it. 299 00:13:40,152 --> 00:13:42,947 What did I tell you? I told you, you cannot trust these bitches. 300 00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:46,325 Sneaky bitches." 301 00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:49,095 The other generalization I keep hearing 302 00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:51,205 is, "Well, all these women are just gold-diggers." 303 00:13:51,288 --> 00:13:53,707 Like, okay, fine. 304 00:13:53,791 --> 00:13:56,144 Let's say... Let's say some of these women are gold-diggers. 305 00:13:56,168 --> 00:13:57,419 You guys have to admit 306 00:13:57,503 --> 00:14:01,131 that you guys were afraid of gold-diggers way before this even happened. 307 00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:04,510 It's hard for us to hear you guys complain about gold-diggers. 308 00:14:04,593 --> 00:14:06,513 Because when you guys complain about gold-diggers 309 00:14:06,554 --> 00:14:09,056 to us, it kind of just sounds like you're bragging. 310 00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:11,868 We're like, "Alright, well, a lot of the reason you have all that gold 311 00:14:11,892 --> 00:14:13,852 is because you have the advantage of being a guy." 312 00:14:13,894 --> 00:14:15,729 Especially in the goods and services industry, 313 00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:17,373 a lot of the reason you have that money 314 00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:19,598 is because we buy a bunch of shit we don't fucking need. 315 00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:22,278 So if I'm dating the head of Sephora 316 00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:24,905 and I gold-dig him, I'm not using him for his money. 317 00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:27,324 I'm using him for my money. That is my money. 318 00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:28,492 [audience laughing] 319 00:14:28,617 --> 00:14:31,370 I'm just trying to get that shit back. Um... 320 00:14:31,453 --> 00:14:33,873 "I feel like you gold-digged me first. 321 00:14:34,623 --> 00:14:37,209 Bronzer should not be $90." 322 00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:41,714 When guys complain about gold-diggers, it's tricky, 323 00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:44,008 because, to us, the solution is so obvious. 324 00:14:44,091 --> 00:14:46,635 If you're worried about gold-diggers, I have an idea. 325 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:49,972 How about just date women with their own fucking gold? 326 00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:52,474 I don't know, maybe stop dating 18-year-olds 327 00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:55,603 that need a Kickstarter campaign just to eat dinner. 328 00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:58,188 Maybe just date adults with jobs. 329 00:14:58,272 --> 00:15:00,399 - I don't know. - [audience cheering, applause] 330 00:15:00,482 --> 00:15:01,483 I don't know. 331 00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:04,028 No, no, no. 332 00:15:05,237 --> 00:15:08,198 Also, it's very ironic to me when guys complain about gold-diggers, 333 00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:11,160 because you know you were the original gold-diggers, right? 334 00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:13,871 You know your great-great-grandfathers got a bunch of shovels 335 00:15:13,954 --> 00:15:16,373 and started digging up actual gold... 336 00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:18,959 before women were allowed to leave the house. 337 00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:21,503 I would love to dig for gold the old-fashioned way 338 00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:24,924 and get, like, a pickax and, like, a salad strainer 339 00:15:25,007 --> 00:15:26,300 and go get my own gold, 340 00:15:26,383 --> 00:15:29,970 but you guys took it all and you refused to share, so... 341 00:15:30,304 --> 00:15:32,932 [huffs] now we're going to have to do this the hard way... 342 00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:36,268 and be in a bad relationship for two years 343 00:15:36,477 --> 00:15:38,646 and hope that you cheat on me. [chuckling] 344 00:15:40,856 --> 00:15:44,568 And I feel like I can say that, because I have had a guy use me 345 00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:46,028 for my gold before 346 00:15:46,111 --> 00:15:48,131 and I've noticed, when you hear the word "gold-digger," 347 00:15:48,155 --> 00:15:49,435 you think of a woman right away. 348 00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:52,177 Men use women for their money, too. They're not called "gold-diggers." 349 00:15:52,201 --> 00:15:55,120 They're called, like, "backup dancers." They have, like, a... 350 00:15:55,204 --> 00:15:56,497 [audience laughs] 351 00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:58,207 They have, like, a jaunty name. 352 00:16:00,501 --> 00:16:03,141 It's hard to talk about this stuff without sounding self-righteous. 353 00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:04,087 That's my nightmare. 354 00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:06,298 I'm trying to not sound self-righteous about all this, 355 00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:09,468 because it's my pet peeve when people are self-righteous in conversations. 356 00:16:09,551 --> 00:16:12,763 And I try to remember though that when someone's self-righteous, 357 00:16:12,846 --> 00:16:15,891 it usually just means they care so much about something 358 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:17,309 that they become an asshole. 359 00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:20,229 Right? I do it. I'm guilty. I am guilty. 360 00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:23,232 I am very into animal advocacy. And... 361 00:16:23,315 --> 00:16:25,543 - [audience cheering] - Oh, thank you. Oh, that's very nice. 362 00:16:25,567 --> 00:16:27,987 I don't have kids. What else am I going to do? 363 00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:29,196 [audience laughs] 364 00:16:29,321 --> 00:16:33,075 There are times when I am so passionate about protecting an innocent animal 365 00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:35,202 that I will be a jerk to a human. 366 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:37,788 It happens... kind of a lot. 367 00:16:37,871 --> 00:16:38,871 And... 368 00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:42,501 recently, I saw a stray dog at this huge intersection in Los Angeles 369 00:16:42,584 --> 00:16:43,585 and nobody was stopping. 370 00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:46,630 Nobody was stopping, so I pull over and I can see 371 00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:48,650 - that it's a little, tiny puppy. - [audience] Aww! 372 00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:50,175 I know! 373 00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,886 And I could tell it was in really bad shape, okay? 374 00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:55,055 So I get out of my car and this guy yells at me. 375 00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:58,142 He's like, "You dumb bitch!" and I was like, "Fuck you!" 376 00:16:58,225 --> 00:16:59,518 [audience laughs] 377 00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:01,353 So I'm screaming at all these people. 378 00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:03,480 I finally get, like, 12 lanes to stop 379 00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:05,024 and I get closer to this puppy 380 00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:07,484 and I get closer and closer to this little, tiny puppy 381 00:17:07,568 --> 00:17:09,403 and I see that this little, tiny puppy 382 00:17:09,486 --> 00:17:11,196 is a trash bag. 383 00:17:11,321 --> 00:17:13,323 [audience laughing] 384 00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:25,878 [exhales heavily] 385 00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:30,466 But I had already been such an asshole... 386 00:17:31,341 --> 00:17:34,845 that there was really no turning back at this point, so I just had to... 387 00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:39,641 Just had to lean in. 388 00:17:43,979 --> 00:17:46,899 [audience cheering, applause] 389 00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:53,197 And that's how I got tetanus. 390 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:54,448 [audience laughing] 391 00:17:54,531 --> 00:17:55,616 [chuckles] 392 00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:03,290 I am realizing that the guy friends of mine that are the most self-righteous 393 00:18:03,373 --> 00:18:05,918 I actually think might be the ones that have done nothing wrong. 394 00:18:06,001 --> 00:18:08,295 They assume these women must be exaggerating, 395 00:18:08,378 --> 00:18:10,506 because they themselves would never behave 396 00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:12,466 the way they're seeing in the news stories. 397 00:18:12,549 --> 00:18:14,629 Like you would never pull your dick out at work, sir. 398 00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:15,968 Of course not. 399 00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:18,972 Of course not. It would be ridiculous. 400 00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:22,726 [audience member] Woo! 401 00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,354 [audience laughing, applause] 402 00:18:25,437 --> 00:18:29,733 It would be crazy for you to do that. That would be an insane thing to do. 403 00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:31,652 But... 404 00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:34,113 you have that one friend 405 00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:37,074 you can totally see doing that shit. 406 00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:38,951 What's his name? 407 00:18:39,451 --> 00:18:40,971 - [audience member] Jeffrey. - Jeffrey. 408 00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:42,913 [audience laughing] 409 00:18:42,996 --> 00:18:46,667 Anyone that goes by Jeffrey instead of Jeff is a fucking asshole. 410 00:18:46,750 --> 00:18:48,794 [laughter and applause] 411 00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:51,880 He likes to waste people's time with his full name. 412 00:18:52,631 --> 00:18:55,008 Jeffrey. That's who we're talking about, right? 413 00:18:55,092 --> 00:18:58,637 I try to remind my guy friends, we're not attacking you. We're just... 414 00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:01,807 You have to remember that the world is a little more dangerous for us 415 00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:03,684 because of the Jeffreys of the world. 416 00:19:03,767 --> 00:19:08,397 Like, you know we have to take a class to learn how to go outside, right? 417 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,440 Has anyone ever taken a self-defense class before? 418 00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:13,128 - [audience cheers, applause] - Okay. Yeah. That's a lot. Wow, okay. 419 00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:15,279 Like, 25 women. The rest are dead. Okay. 420 00:19:15,362 --> 00:19:16,864 [audience laughs] 421 00:19:17,072 --> 00:19:19,199 I took a self-defense class in my 20s 422 00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:22,619 and I think we could maybe update the tactics a little bit. 423 00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:26,957 I remember, the tactics she told me, I physically can't even execute. 424 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,626 She was like, "If your attacker gets you on the ground, 425 00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:31,086 gouge his eyes out." 426 00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:32,379 What the fuck? 427 00:19:33,213 --> 00:19:35,883 I can't even open a package from Amazon... 428 00:19:36,633 --> 00:19:38,468 without getting a paper cut. 429 00:19:38,552 --> 00:19:42,181 I can hardly get a straw in a Capri Sun, so... 430 00:19:42,931 --> 00:19:45,434 I'm not sure this tactic is for me. 431 00:19:46,059 --> 00:19:47,561 None of it was pragmatic. 432 00:19:47,644 --> 00:19:49,747 She said to us, "Never get in an elevator with a man." 433 00:19:49,771 --> 00:19:51,440 "Bitch, have you ever had a job? 434 00:19:52,649 --> 00:19:54,443 Have you ever seen an office building before? 435 00:19:54,526 --> 00:19:56,945 It's basically a bunch of elevators full of men." 436 00:19:57,571 --> 00:19:59,852 If I didn't get in an elevator every time a man was in it, 437 00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:02,552 I'd constantly look like I was trying to get into a double Dutch game. 438 00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:04,161 [audience laughing] 439 00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:07,164 "It's fine. Just go. 440 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,751 You go. Okay, I'll just quit. 441 00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:12,752 No." 442 00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:19,593 We have to be able to get into elevators with men. 443 00:20:19,676 --> 00:20:20,719 We have jobs now. 444 00:20:20,802 --> 00:20:23,865 But I know that's a very sketchy thing to do and I know it could be dangerous, 445 00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:26,225 so now, when I get in an elevator with a man, 446 00:20:26,308 --> 00:20:29,186 I just try to make myself as unattractive as possible. 447 00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:32,105 So I just hit all the buttons... 448 00:20:32,856 --> 00:20:35,234 so that we're instantly in a long-term relationship 449 00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:37,569 and he's completely disgusted by me. 450 00:20:38,445 --> 00:20:40,989 I'm like, "You want me, you've got me... 451 00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:44,284 for 36 more floors 452 00:20:44,368 --> 00:20:47,037 and I want to talk about The Bachelor." 453 00:20:47,412 --> 00:20:49,581 [audience laughing, applause] 454 00:20:52,626 --> 00:20:54,253 - Huh. - [audience member] Woo! 455 00:20:54,836 --> 00:20:57,089 I used to carry Mace. I don't carry Mace anymore, 456 00:20:57,172 --> 00:20:59,341 because I find the packaging way too patronizing. 457 00:20:59,466 --> 00:21:02,346 When you try to buy Mace as a woman, they sell you Mace in a pink bottle. 458 00:21:02,761 --> 00:21:04,137 I'm trying to look scary. 459 00:21:04,888 --> 00:21:06,223 I'm trying to look menacing. 460 00:21:06,306 --> 00:21:10,519 Don't give me something that looks like a toy out of Dora the Explorer's backpack. 461 00:21:10,602 --> 00:21:13,230 "Mm, Swiper, no swiping. 462 00:21:13,814 --> 00:21:17,109 Mm, don't even think about it. Meh!" 463 00:21:17,818 --> 00:21:20,153 Not really the vibe I'm going for. 464 00:21:21,989 --> 00:21:24,950 A lot of my girl friends talk about how, when they walk to their car, 465 00:21:25,033 --> 00:21:27,202 they put a key in between their fingers. 466 00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:29,955 Yeah, but they don't even make metal car keys anymore. 467 00:21:30,038 --> 00:21:32,916 The new car keys are those little plastic remotes, 468 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,320 so that's a conspiracy. Think about that shit for a minute. 469 00:21:36,461 --> 00:21:40,132 The one weapon we have has been taken from us. 470 00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:43,844 So now I've got to use my mailbox key... 471 00:21:44,636 --> 00:21:45,887 like an asshole. 472 00:21:46,722 --> 00:21:48,598 A little shitty Wolverine. 473 00:21:50,434 --> 00:21:52,894 Could you come forward a fucking inch? 474 00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:55,564 [audience laughing, applause] 475 00:21:55,939 --> 00:21:57,774 A little shitty Wolverine. 476 00:21:58,817 --> 00:22:02,195 I'm just kind of tickling my attacker at this point. 477 00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:05,615 Just kind of delicately caressing him. 478 00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:10,162 It's kind of bringing him to climax at this point. 479 00:22:11,955 --> 00:22:15,500 You look like a villain in an '80s movie, just FYI. 480 00:22:19,129 --> 00:22:21,214 It's no joke out there. It's no... 481 00:22:21,298 --> 00:22:24,092 I have a girl friend, she carries a Taser with her. 482 00:22:24,176 --> 00:22:26,386 But Google, "Taser for women." It's even more insulting. 483 00:22:26,470 --> 00:22:29,681 They try to sell you a Taser that looks like a tube of lipstick. 484 00:22:29,765 --> 00:22:31,767 It's disguised as a tube of lipstick. 485 00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:33,393 You're supposed to fool your attacker. 486 00:22:33,477 --> 00:22:36,021 The only person that's going to fool is fucking me. 487 00:22:36,104 --> 00:22:37,439 [audience laughing] 488 00:22:37,522 --> 00:22:39,566 I'm not falling for that racket. 489 00:22:40,067 --> 00:22:42,194 I argue, the best weapon against an attacker, 490 00:22:42,277 --> 00:22:45,155 not lipstick Taser, not Taser, just regular lipstick. 491 00:22:45,238 --> 00:22:46,878 Red lipstick. Put it in your back pocket. 492 00:22:46,907 --> 00:22:48,825 Any time a guy's hovering, creeping around, 493 00:22:48,909 --> 00:22:50,549 just take it out and start putting it on. 494 00:22:50,577 --> 00:22:53,288 Just be like... [imitating monkey] 495 00:22:53,455 --> 00:22:54,831 "Is that what you want? 496 00:22:54,956 --> 00:22:57,709 Ah-ahh! 497 00:22:58,001 --> 00:23:01,588 [panting savagely] 498 00:23:01,838 --> 00:23:05,133 [guttural] You wanna fuck this clown?" 499 00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:07,219 [applause] 500 00:23:09,137 --> 00:23:12,432 [panting loudly] 501 00:23:14,684 --> 00:23:17,145 Sometimes you've just got to out-weird your attacker. 502 00:23:18,021 --> 00:23:19,940 You've just got to make it not worth it to them. 503 00:23:20,023 --> 00:23:21,858 You know, he's going to be like, "Uh... 504 00:23:23,443 --> 00:23:24,945 You're good. You're good. 505 00:23:25,028 --> 00:23:28,490 You run along. You have a good night. Leave it. She's one of us. Leave it." 506 00:23:28,573 --> 00:23:30,033 [audience laughing] 507 00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:36,206 I think you guys just might not know how dangerous the world is for us. 508 00:23:36,289 --> 00:23:38,726 You guys just don't have the same experience out in the world. 509 00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:40,978 Your biggest fear when you walk to your car tonight, sir, 510 00:23:41,002 --> 00:23:42,282 is there's going to be a ticket. 511 00:23:42,546 --> 00:23:44,089 [audience laughs] 512 00:23:44,256 --> 00:23:45,632 That's scary shit. 513 00:23:46,341 --> 00:23:49,970 Our biggest fear when we walk to our car is there's going to be a dick... 514 00:23:50,679 --> 00:23:52,389 attached to a criminal... 515 00:23:53,348 --> 00:23:54,599 named Jeffrey... 516 00:23:54,683 --> 00:23:56,435 [audience laughs] 517 00:23:56,518 --> 00:23:58,395 ...waiting for us. 518 00:23:59,688 --> 00:24:01,606 You guys are cool, you're not getting defensive. 519 00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:03,733 Sometimes guys get defensive and that's never good. 520 00:24:03,817 --> 00:24:05,819 I had a guy come up to me after a show recently 521 00:24:05,902 --> 00:24:08,405 and he was like, "Hey, this isn't really very fair. 522 00:24:08,488 --> 00:24:12,325 We offer to walk you gals to your cars all the time." 523 00:24:13,326 --> 00:24:15,454 I was like, "Yeah, you do. 524 00:24:17,038 --> 00:24:18,038 Why? 525 00:24:18,373 --> 00:24:19,458 [audience laughs] 526 00:24:20,041 --> 00:24:23,003 So you can try and fuck us. That's why." 527 00:24:23,086 --> 00:24:24,713 [audience laughing, applause] 528 00:24:24,838 --> 00:24:26,423 Those are our options. 529 00:24:26,923 --> 00:24:28,884 Get murdered by a stranger 530 00:24:28,967 --> 00:24:31,678 or dry humped by my "chaperone"... 531 00:24:32,637 --> 00:24:34,764 against my car that I pay for. 532 00:24:34,848 --> 00:24:35,932 Cool. 533 00:24:36,516 --> 00:24:39,561 Not really chivalry if we owe you at the end. 534 00:24:42,606 --> 00:24:45,126 It's hard to talk about this stuff without coming off too angry. 535 00:24:45,150 --> 00:24:47,694 I don't want to come off angry or anti-man. 536 00:24:47,777 --> 00:24:50,989 I am not. I'm engaged to a man. I'm going to marry a man. 537 00:24:51,072 --> 00:24:52,574 [audience cheering] 538 00:24:52,949 --> 00:24:53,949 I mean... 539 00:24:54,451 --> 00:24:55,409 we'll see. 540 00:24:55,410 --> 00:24:56,912 [audience laughs] 541 00:24:57,579 --> 00:24:58,747 I love him very much, 542 00:24:58,830 --> 00:25:01,726 but when we talk about this stuff, sometimes the conversations get awkward 543 00:25:01,750 --> 00:25:03,960 because he hasn't had a lot of trauma in his life. 544 00:25:04,044 --> 00:25:06,880 We have a very different definition of the concept of trauma 545 00:25:06,963 --> 00:25:09,257 and sometimes it makes our conversations weird. 546 00:25:09,341 --> 00:25:12,719 One time, we were talking about bad things that had happened to us in our childhoods 547 00:25:12,802 --> 00:25:14,554 and I'm going on and on and on... 548 00:25:14,638 --> 00:25:15,931 [mutters] 549 00:25:16,306 --> 00:25:17,264 He cuts me off. 550 00:25:17,265 --> 00:25:20,644 He goes, "You know, something really messed up happened to me when I was five." 551 00:25:21,102 --> 00:25:23,146 And I was like, "Oh, my God, baby, what happened?" 552 00:25:23,396 --> 00:25:25,023 He goes, "When I was five, 553 00:25:25,106 --> 00:25:29,110 I woke up on Christmas Eve and I saw my dad wrapping gifts." 554 00:25:29,236 --> 00:25:31,238 [audience laughing] 555 00:25:38,537 --> 00:25:41,957 And I was like, "And then he fucked you?" 556 00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:43,875 [audience laughing] 557 00:25:50,715 --> 00:25:53,802 He was like, "That's when I found out there's no Santa Claus." 558 00:25:54,511 --> 00:25:58,014 I was like, "Oh, okay. Oh. That's your definition of struggle? 559 00:25:58,098 --> 00:26:00,058 You thought one guy was giving you presents 560 00:26:00,141 --> 00:26:03,436 and then you found out another guy was giving you the exact same presents." 561 00:26:04,062 --> 00:26:07,065 You realize girls are thrilled when we find out there's no Santa Claus? 562 00:26:07,148 --> 00:26:10,148 We're like, "Thank God I don't have to sit on that weirdo's lap at the mall. 563 00:26:10,735 --> 00:26:12,487 I always thought that was sketchy." 564 00:26:14,656 --> 00:26:16,575 He's not afraid of anything. It's unbelievable. 565 00:26:16,658 --> 00:26:17,659 Nothing scares this guy. 566 00:26:17,742 --> 00:26:19,702 One time, we were walking down my street at night. 567 00:26:19,744 --> 00:26:22,789 There's a man I've never seen before standing at the window of a house 568 00:26:22,872 --> 00:26:24,749 staring out at the street like this. 569 00:26:26,293 --> 00:26:28,169 So I'm like, "Let's call the police. Let's go." 570 00:26:28,753 --> 00:26:31,506 He goes, "Babe, calm down. He probably just sold the house 571 00:26:31,590 --> 00:26:33,925 and he's waiting for the realtor to bring him his check." 572 00:26:34,092 --> 00:26:36,094 [audience laughing] 573 00:26:40,765 --> 00:26:42,892 "I'm sorry. Th-th-that's what you see? 574 00:26:43,935 --> 00:26:47,439 That's what you make of this scenario? Okay. 575 00:26:47,522 --> 00:26:53,278 So I see Dexter and you see a millionaire having a great day. 576 00:26:54,529 --> 00:26:56,865 It must be nice to just go through life like that." 577 00:26:58,199 --> 00:26:59,576 [audience laughing] 578 00:26:59,659 --> 00:27:00,702 He's like, "Yeah. 579 00:27:01,828 --> 00:27:03,830 The guy just sold his house, sounds awesome." 580 00:27:05,290 --> 00:27:07,727 It's hard to talk to my girl friends about this stuff as well, 581 00:27:07,751 --> 00:27:09,169 because they're just so excited. 582 00:27:09,252 --> 00:27:11,171 I think women are getting so excited right now. 583 00:27:11,254 --> 00:27:14,275 I think we just have to manage our expectations, because we have to remember, 584 00:27:14,299 --> 00:27:16,926 any time there was real progress for women in history, 585 00:27:17,010 --> 00:27:19,304 there was some kind of technological advance 586 00:27:19,387 --> 00:27:21,514 that took over the chores that women did in the home 587 00:27:21,598 --> 00:27:23,078 so women could move outside the home. 588 00:27:23,141 --> 00:27:25,185 Dishwashers, vacuum cleaners. 589 00:27:25,268 --> 00:27:27,562 For this truly to be a moment of progress for women, 590 00:27:27,646 --> 00:27:30,106 there'd have to be some kind of technological advance 591 00:27:30,190 --> 00:27:32,984 that took over the chores women are currently doing in the home, 592 00:27:33,068 --> 00:27:34,444 which brings me to the sex robots. 593 00:27:34,527 --> 00:27:35,527 Who's excited? 594 00:27:35,570 --> 00:27:37,364 [audience cheers] 595 00:27:37,447 --> 00:27:39,199 I cannot fucking wait. 596 00:27:39,949 --> 00:27:42,285 I'm a very busy person. I would love for the day to come 597 00:27:42,369 --> 00:27:45,163 where I could be like, "Babe, I'm very tired. Please go fuck R2-D2. 598 00:27:45,246 --> 00:27:46,246 I've got to... 599 00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:49,668 Mama's got to bang out some emails." 600 00:27:50,543 --> 00:27:52,962 I'm so pro-robot, it's ridiculous. 601 00:27:53,630 --> 00:27:56,299 People are very stressed out about the sex robots. 602 00:27:56,383 --> 00:27:59,094 I have yet to hear an argument against them that I buy. 603 00:27:59,177 --> 00:28:01,822 Everyone's like, "Aren't you worried they're going to replace human women?" 604 00:28:01,846 --> 00:28:02,972 Get the fuck out of here. 605 00:28:03,056 --> 00:28:04,265 [audience laughs] 606 00:28:04,349 --> 00:28:05,629 One of my girl friends was like, 607 00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:07,644 "Aren't you worried they're going to replace us?" 608 00:28:07,727 --> 00:28:11,648 If you're worried about being replaced by a giant piece of plastic, 609 00:28:11,731 --> 00:28:15,944 you're not bringing that much to the table in the first place, so... 610 00:28:16,027 --> 00:28:18,530 - [applause] - I need you to watch a TED Talk. 611 00:28:18,613 --> 00:28:20,490 Anyway... 612 00:28:21,783 --> 00:28:23,868 Also, they're not going to replace human women. 613 00:28:23,952 --> 00:28:25,870 That's an insulting argument to women. 614 00:28:25,954 --> 00:28:27,747 If anything, they will replace blow-up dolls, 615 00:28:27,831 --> 00:28:29,791 which, by the way, I love that that was a product. 616 00:28:29,874 --> 00:28:35,004 Guys were fucking rafts with eyelashes and that wasn't freaking anybody out? 617 00:28:35,088 --> 00:28:39,801 This is where we draw the line? [nasally] Got it, got it, got it. 618 00:28:41,344 --> 00:28:43,388 It's so weird to me that everyone's so fascinated 619 00:28:43,471 --> 00:28:45,890 about how bad the sex robots will be for women, 620 00:28:45,974 --> 00:28:48,727 because you know they're making male sex robots too, right? 621 00:28:49,352 --> 00:28:50,812 Why aren't you guys sweating? 622 00:28:51,688 --> 00:28:53,940 If we get replaced by the female sex robots, 623 00:28:54,023 --> 00:28:55,817 it'll be a bummer, but, like... 624 00:28:57,318 --> 00:28:58,528 we'll be fine. 625 00:28:58,653 --> 00:29:00,405 [audience laughs] 626 00:29:00,530 --> 00:29:02,657 What the fuck are you guys going to do? 627 00:29:02,949 --> 00:29:04,868 If you get replaced by the male sex robots, 628 00:29:04,951 --> 00:29:06,711 who's going to force you to go to the doctor? 629 00:29:06,745 --> 00:29:08,913 You'll all die of sinus infections. 630 00:29:08,997 --> 00:29:10,457 [audience laughs] 631 00:29:10,540 --> 00:29:14,669 You don't even know where the fricking forks are. You'll die. 632 00:29:18,548 --> 00:29:20,091 I know there are some problems. 633 00:29:20,175 --> 00:29:22,427 I know they need to make some tweaks to the robots. 634 00:29:22,510 --> 00:29:24,350 I understand, because I've seen them in person. 635 00:29:24,429 --> 00:29:26,765 First of all, they're gorgeous. 636 00:29:27,307 --> 00:29:30,018 This is a bad idea. I'm a very jealous person. 637 00:29:30,101 --> 00:29:33,438 I do not want a Scarlett Johansson-ass looking robot in my house. 638 00:29:33,980 --> 00:29:36,775 I'll tell you this right now, if they make the robots gorgeous, 639 00:29:36,858 --> 00:29:37,942 there will be a war... 640 00:29:38,443 --> 00:29:40,570 between human women and robot women 641 00:29:40,653 --> 00:29:43,072 and, I swear to God, we will freaking win. 642 00:29:43,198 --> 00:29:44,741 [audience cheers] 643 00:29:45,033 --> 00:29:49,078 I put Barbie dolls in the microwave till I was 15 years old. 644 00:29:49,829 --> 00:29:51,581 I live to destroy a doll. 645 00:29:51,664 --> 00:29:54,250 I don't care about gadgets. I don't respect technology. 646 00:29:54,334 --> 00:29:56,711 I'll kick Alexa in the pussy. I don't give a shit. 647 00:29:57,670 --> 00:29:59,990 A robot tries to take my man, we're going to have a problem 648 00:30:00,048 --> 00:30:02,300 and I'll be a savage about it, too. I'll wait. 649 00:30:02,383 --> 00:30:04,636 I'll wait, I'll wait till you fall in love with her. 650 00:30:05,345 --> 00:30:07,472 - Then I'll kill her. - [audience laughing] 651 00:30:07,555 --> 00:30:09,595 I'll just push her in the pool. I don't give a shit. 652 00:30:12,852 --> 00:30:16,648 To me, the solution for the robot anxiety is so obvious. 653 00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:20,318 They just have to involve women in the designing of the robots. That's it. 654 00:30:20,401 --> 00:30:24,197 For us to embrace the sex robots, they just have to benefit us in some way. 655 00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:26,574 Like if a robot is going to have sex with my man, 656 00:30:26,658 --> 00:30:29,702 it also just has to be able to, like, make guacamole. 657 00:30:30,745 --> 00:30:34,040 Take an avocado, you just put it in her mouth. She's just like... 658 00:30:34,123 --> 00:30:36,251 [gagging] 659 00:30:36,334 --> 00:30:38,419 I don't know, I'm not a scientist. I'm just saying... 660 00:30:39,045 --> 00:30:41,631 if there's a guacamole mode, we're going to get through this. 661 00:30:42,632 --> 00:30:45,385 I am so confident in my stance on this, 662 00:30:45,468 --> 00:30:48,471 I not only argue that sex robots are not going to replace human women, 663 00:30:48,555 --> 00:30:51,367 I actually think they're going to make you guys appreciate us even more. 664 00:30:51,391 --> 00:30:53,351 Here's why. I've seen them, they have hair. 665 00:30:55,228 --> 00:30:57,188 What the fuck do you guys know about doing hair? 666 00:30:58,398 --> 00:31:00,358 Nothing. You're going to get your robot. 667 00:31:00,441 --> 00:31:02,944 Day one, it's going to look like Angelina Jolie. 668 00:31:03,027 --> 00:31:05,071 Two weeks later, it's going to look like Chucky. 669 00:31:05,154 --> 00:31:07,031 - Then what? - [audience laughs] 670 00:31:07,156 --> 00:31:08,908 Then what's your big plan, huh? 671 00:31:09,534 --> 00:31:10,910 And you're going to call this guy. 672 00:31:10,994 --> 00:31:13,746 [in dopey voice] "Baby, will you come do my robot's hair?" 673 00:31:14,539 --> 00:31:17,333 Now I have to come brush its weird-ass hair. 674 00:31:18,042 --> 00:31:21,754 Then I'm going to get emotionally attached to it because I'm taking care of it. 675 00:31:22,130 --> 00:31:24,883 Then I'm not going to let you have sex with it anymore. 676 00:31:25,967 --> 00:31:28,469 Now I just have a giant guacamole machine. 677 00:31:28,553 --> 00:31:30,889 Just another appliance I have to clean. 678 00:31:30,972 --> 00:31:33,558 [chuckling] I know exactly how this is going to end. 679 00:31:36,019 --> 00:31:38,187 It's interesting that even the arguments 680 00:31:38,271 --> 00:31:41,691 I can see myself being the first to make against the robots, I don't buy. 681 00:31:41,774 --> 00:31:44,334 The big one I keep hearing is, "Aren't you worried the sex robots 682 00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:45,920 are going to make men objectify women?" 683 00:31:45,987 --> 00:31:46,904 No. 684 00:31:46,905 --> 00:31:49,032 That's been happening for thousands of years. 685 00:31:49,115 --> 00:31:51,367 I think, if anything, we can use the sex robots 686 00:31:51,451 --> 00:31:53,244 to combat the objectification of women. 687 00:31:53,328 --> 00:31:56,497 What if we use the sex robots to help teach young boys consent? 688 00:31:56,581 --> 00:32:01,419 Think about it. When you learn CPR, you practice on a doll first. 689 00:32:02,295 --> 00:32:06,466 Anyone else think it's kind of weird we give teenage boys human girls... 690 00:32:06,966 --> 00:32:08,468 to practice sex on? 691 00:32:09,510 --> 00:32:10,990 I feel like what we could start doing 692 00:32:11,054 --> 00:32:13,389 is, when a kid turns 15, we give him his own sex robot. 693 00:32:13,473 --> 00:32:14,913 He can do whatever he wants with it. 694 00:32:14,974 --> 00:32:17,810 Four years later, he has to turn it back in to a committee, 695 00:32:17,894 --> 00:32:21,397 who will evaluate the condition of the doll. 696 00:32:21,481 --> 00:32:23,483 [applause] 697 00:32:24,317 --> 00:32:27,445 If its butthole is at all stretched out... 698 00:32:28,029 --> 00:32:29,948 [chuckling] you go back to the beginning. 699 00:32:30,031 --> 00:32:31,908 [audience laughs] 700 00:32:31,991 --> 00:32:35,119 I was a little worried at first that being pro-sex robot 701 00:32:35,203 --> 00:32:37,121 might be an irresponsible take. 702 00:32:37,205 --> 00:32:38,998 What if I'm condoning something weird? 703 00:32:39,082 --> 00:32:41,668 What kind of people buy these things? Are they psychos, perverts? 704 00:32:41,751 --> 00:32:43,044 So I did want to do my research. 705 00:32:43,127 --> 00:32:46,673 So what I did was I logged onto a forum, secretly, 706 00:32:46,756 --> 00:32:50,218 of the men that own the most current version of the sex robots 707 00:32:50,301 --> 00:32:53,179 and I monitored their conversations for two months. 708 00:32:54,931 --> 00:32:58,184 That's the kind of time I have. 709 00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:02,146 And, look, I thought they were going to be creeps, psychopaths. 710 00:33:02,230 --> 00:33:05,030 I don't know what to tell you. They're very lovely men. They're lovely. 711 00:33:05,108 --> 00:33:06,442 They adore their dolls. 712 00:33:06,526 --> 00:33:09,112 They marry their dolls. That is happening. 713 00:33:09,195 --> 00:33:12,073 I know it sounds crazy, but it is now my dream in life 714 00:33:12,156 --> 00:33:13,950 to go to a sex robot wedding. 715 00:33:14,033 --> 00:33:15,033 That's all I want. 716 00:33:16,077 --> 00:33:18,621 Mostly because I'm dying to see what a wedding would look like 717 00:33:18,705 --> 00:33:21,290 if it was solely planned by a man. 718 00:33:21,416 --> 00:33:23,126 [audience laughs] 719 00:33:24,711 --> 00:33:27,630 Isn't anyone kind of curious? The creative choices. 720 00:33:27,714 --> 00:33:30,508 She's just going to come out in, like, a Dolphins jersey, 721 00:33:30,591 --> 00:33:32,760 like, Air Jordans. 722 00:33:32,844 --> 00:33:36,764 He's dragging her down the aisle like Weekend At Bernie's, like... [groans] 723 00:33:37,390 --> 00:33:39,392 Like, who sits in the bride's section? 724 00:33:39,475 --> 00:33:42,061 Is it the UPS guy that delivered her? 725 00:33:42,145 --> 00:33:43,730 I just... I have a lot of questions. 726 00:33:46,315 --> 00:33:49,360 After seeing these guys talk about how much they love their dolls 727 00:33:49,444 --> 00:33:51,404 and share information about taking care of them, 728 00:33:51,487 --> 00:33:53,927 it's really hard when someone wants to argue with me about it. 729 00:33:53,990 --> 00:33:56,427 When someone says, "What if these men start treating human women 730 00:33:56,451 --> 00:33:57,731 the way they treat their dolls?" 731 00:33:57,785 --> 00:34:00,014 I got news for you. They treat their dolls fucking great. 732 00:34:00,038 --> 00:34:03,958 I actually argue these are the only men that know how hard it is to be a woman. 733 00:34:04,042 --> 00:34:07,628 They're on the message boards, like, "Can you believe mascara's $18?" 734 00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:08,838 They get it. 735 00:34:09,464 --> 00:34:10,465 We want this to catch on. 736 00:34:10,548 --> 00:34:12,759 If guys start buying make-up, the price will go down. 737 00:34:12,842 --> 00:34:15,762 If guys start buying eye shadow, it's going to be, like, $2 at Home Depot, 738 00:34:15,803 --> 00:34:18,639 so let's get this show on the fucking road. 739 00:34:18,723 --> 00:34:19,723 [applause] 740 00:34:19,724 --> 00:34:22,018 This is what it has to come to. 741 00:34:24,020 --> 00:34:26,731 I don't know. I did a total 180. I thought they would be weirdos. 742 00:34:26,814 --> 00:34:29,942 But now, I tell you, if I was single, I would date a doll guy. 743 00:34:30,026 --> 00:34:32,111 I'm going to say... They have the skills I need. 744 00:34:32,195 --> 00:34:35,323 They can do eyebrows. They can do women's nails. 745 00:34:35,406 --> 00:34:39,160 Okay? They can fully dress their doll while she's lying down. 746 00:34:39,243 --> 00:34:40,536 That's what I need in a man. 747 00:34:41,412 --> 00:34:44,457 A man who can fully change my clothes while I'm sleeping. 748 00:34:44,540 --> 00:34:45,750 That is a time-saver. 749 00:34:45,833 --> 00:34:49,629 Alarm goes off, out the fucking door in my Crocs and mini-skirt. 750 00:34:49,962 --> 00:34:51,339 #GirlBoss. 751 00:34:52,256 --> 00:34:53,424 [audience member] Woo! 752 00:34:54,842 --> 00:34:55,842 So interesting. 753 00:34:55,885 --> 00:34:58,596 I'm on these boards and I did come across something 754 00:34:58,679 --> 00:34:59,972 that I do not condone. 755 00:35:00,056 --> 00:35:05,019 Some of the guys were trying to design and 3D print their own robot at home. 756 00:35:05,103 --> 00:35:06,437 No, no. 757 00:35:06,521 --> 00:35:10,149 You guys cannot design your own female body. That would be a disaster. 758 00:35:10,233 --> 00:35:13,319 They would all just have like nine boobs across their chest. 759 00:35:13,402 --> 00:35:15,530 The belly button would be a bottle opener. 760 00:35:16,030 --> 00:35:18,866 Their face would just be Joe Rogan. It's a bad idea. 761 00:35:20,034 --> 00:35:21,869 [chuckling] It's a copyright issue. 762 00:35:23,579 --> 00:35:27,792 I did get final confirmation that the robots are not going to replace us 763 00:35:27,875 --> 00:35:29,127 in kind of a weird way. 764 00:35:29,418 --> 00:35:32,839 So when guys order a robot, they post photos online 765 00:35:32,922 --> 00:35:36,551 of the robot being built in the factory, right? These weird-ass photos. 766 00:35:36,634 --> 00:35:40,054 So I'm looking in the background, trying to find clues and, you know... 767 00:35:40,138 --> 00:35:44,642 And I see that women are actually building the faces of the dolls. 768 00:35:44,725 --> 00:35:46,853 Interesting. Put a pin in that. 769 00:35:47,228 --> 00:35:48,688 We're going to circle back. 770 00:35:49,564 --> 00:35:50,815 Because then I saw a thread 771 00:35:50,898 --> 00:35:54,318 where guys were complaining about the struggles they were having 772 00:35:54,402 --> 00:35:56,445 in their doll relationships. 773 00:35:56,946 --> 00:35:59,657 One of the threads was titled, 774 00:35:59,740 --> 00:36:05,538 "Does anyone else struggle with, when receiving oral from their doll... 775 00:36:06,289 --> 00:36:08,082 her eyes pop out?" 776 00:36:08,207 --> 00:36:10,209 [audience laughing] 777 00:36:15,882 --> 00:36:18,551 Then I thought about the women making the dolls. 778 00:36:18,634 --> 00:36:20,970 These bitches have our backs. 779 00:36:21,053 --> 00:36:23,055 [audience cheering, applauding] 780 00:36:25,850 --> 00:36:27,602 That's a very easy thing to fix. 781 00:36:27,685 --> 00:36:30,479 They're in the factories like, "You know what would be hilarious? 782 00:36:30,563 --> 00:36:32,899 We should do it. We have to do it. Let's just do it." 783 00:36:35,067 --> 00:36:38,404 So once I found out there was a sex robot factory, 784 00:36:38,487 --> 00:36:40,489 I obviously had to go. 785 00:36:40,573 --> 00:36:42,992 Here's why I went to the sex robot factory. 786 00:36:43,075 --> 00:36:45,077 I am fascinated by the question, 787 00:36:45,161 --> 00:36:46,871 is this impossible standard of beauty 788 00:36:46,954 --> 00:36:49,081 that women are killing themselves to try to achieve, 789 00:36:49,165 --> 00:36:50,708 is that even what all men want? 790 00:36:50,791 --> 00:36:52,919 I am delighted to report back... 791 00:36:53,377 --> 00:36:55,254 that the answer is no. 792 00:36:55,671 --> 00:36:59,800 Not only did half of the dolls that were ordered have pubic hair, 793 00:36:59,884 --> 00:37:03,721 the customers spend an extra $1,400 for it. 794 00:37:03,804 --> 00:37:06,891 I spent $1,400 getting mine lasered off. 795 00:37:06,974 --> 00:37:07,975 This is proof... 796 00:37:08,517 --> 00:37:10,311 we are not communicating. 797 00:37:11,229 --> 00:37:14,649 We've got to start talking to each other, you guys. It will save us money. 798 00:37:16,275 --> 00:37:17,275 But that wasn't enough. 799 00:37:17,276 --> 00:37:19,836 I still wanted to see what they were doing with the robot bodies. 800 00:37:19,862 --> 00:37:22,222 What if they were making these impossible to achieve bodies? 801 00:37:22,281 --> 00:37:23,532 That would be bad for society. 802 00:37:23,616 --> 00:37:25,117 I especially wanted to see the boobs, 803 00:37:25,201 --> 00:37:27,995 because, in my head, every guy wants the same kind of boob, right? 804 00:37:28,079 --> 00:37:31,165 Giant DD, a little tiny, perky nipple. 805 00:37:31,832 --> 00:37:32,875 No, no. 806 00:37:33,417 --> 00:37:35,294 There's a wall of nipples. 807 00:37:35,378 --> 00:37:37,088 38 different kinds. 808 00:37:37,171 --> 00:37:39,840 One of the most popular, oblong. 809 00:37:39,924 --> 00:37:43,052 One of them looked like a piece of caramel fell on the floor. Best seller! 810 00:37:43,135 --> 00:37:44,345 [audience laughing] 811 00:37:44,428 --> 00:37:45,638 Great news, ladies. 812 00:37:45,721 --> 00:37:50,935 Whatever shape your nipple, there is a man out there who will pay top dollar! 813 00:37:54,730 --> 00:37:56,232 So I found this fascinating 814 00:37:56,315 --> 00:38:00,152 and I start talking to the guy who puts the nipples on the robots, right? 815 00:38:00,820 --> 00:38:03,823 It takes him 24 hours to put on one pair of nipples. 816 00:38:03,906 --> 00:38:05,106 I'm like, "What's the problem? 817 00:38:05,157 --> 00:38:07,118 Mr. Potato Head that shit. Pah! Pah! Let's go." 818 00:38:07,910 --> 00:38:10,371 He said it's actually a very meticulous process, 819 00:38:10,454 --> 00:38:13,457 because they work very hard to make sure the nipples are uneven, 820 00:38:13,541 --> 00:38:16,877 because, for something to look human, it has to have flaws. 821 00:38:16,961 --> 00:38:20,047 If something is too symmetrical, it actually looks creepy. 822 00:38:20,464 --> 00:38:23,259 Take that, Ryan Gosling's face. 823 00:38:23,342 --> 00:38:24,385 [audience laughs] 824 00:38:27,054 --> 00:38:29,015 That was great news for me. 825 00:38:29,098 --> 00:38:30,850 And you guys might know why. 826 00:38:30,933 --> 00:38:32,213 Some of you might not know this, 827 00:38:32,268 --> 00:38:35,062 but I had eating disorders until I was in my late 20s 828 00:38:35,146 --> 00:38:37,857 and, as a result, my boobs grew in different sizes. 829 00:38:37,940 --> 00:38:40,585 That's a side effect for people who have eating disorders sometimes. 830 00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:42,361 Your boobs grow in a little bit differently. 831 00:38:42,445 --> 00:38:45,156 I had to get three surgeries to get them straightened out. 832 00:38:45,239 --> 00:38:48,951 One was bigger than the other one. One was higher than the other one. They... 833 00:38:49,910 --> 00:38:52,538 They looked like from the same general family. 834 00:38:52,621 --> 00:38:55,499 One was just like a shittier version of the other one. 835 00:38:55,583 --> 00:38:58,002 It was like Alec Baldwin and Stephen Baldwin. 836 00:38:59,545 --> 00:39:02,340 I kind of just wanted two Stephens, you know? 837 00:39:04,550 --> 00:39:06,552 [audience laughing] 838 00:39:06,844 --> 00:39:09,305 Or two Alecs. I'll take either at this point. 839 00:39:09,930 --> 00:39:11,974 And I was always so embarrassed about that. 840 00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:15,603 Before I'd get with a guy, I felt like I had to explain what he was about to see, 841 00:39:15,686 --> 00:39:17,396 I'd have to prepare him, you know. 842 00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:19,565 I'd be like, "Do you like baseball 843 00:39:19,648 --> 00:39:21,067 and golf? 844 00:39:22,234 --> 00:39:24,236 Do you like young women 845 00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:25,988 and old men? 846 00:39:27,448 --> 00:39:29,450 [chuckling] You don't have to choose. 847 00:39:30,618 --> 00:39:32,745 Big Salvador Dali fan?" 848 00:39:32,828 --> 00:39:34,413 [audience laughs] 849 00:39:34,497 --> 00:39:39,001 So the tragic irony of this whole thing is that they're still not even, 850 00:39:39,085 --> 00:39:42,171 because one of the surgeons made a mistake and they cut through a muscle. 851 00:39:42,755 --> 00:39:46,509 I know. Never get an operation by the airport. 852 00:39:47,843 --> 00:39:50,346 A red flag I feel like I probably should have saw. 853 00:39:51,013 --> 00:39:53,766 And I hated them for the last couple of years. 854 00:39:53,849 --> 00:39:56,352 I hated them because I felt ashamed. 855 00:39:56,435 --> 00:39:59,688 My whole thing is, you know, accept who you are, love your body, 856 00:39:59,772 --> 00:40:02,125 and I felt like a hypocrite because I had these implants in. 857 00:40:02,149 --> 00:40:05,569 So I resented having all that work done for the longest time, 858 00:40:05,653 --> 00:40:08,781 until a couple of years ago when I got in a really bad snowboarding accident 859 00:40:08,864 --> 00:40:10,366 and I broke my shoulder. 860 00:40:10,449 --> 00:40:12,201 And I go into the surgeon and he's like, 861 00:40:12,284 --> 00:40:15,138 "I don't understand. This injury makes no sense. I see this all the time. 862 00:40:15,162 --> 00:40:16,831 When people fall forward on a snowboard, 863 00:40:16,914 --> 00:40:18,791 they break their nose, they get a concussion. 864 00:40:18,874 --> 00:40:21,502 You only broke your shoulder. How did this happen?" 865 00:40:22,545 --> 00:40:24,713 And, in that moment, I realized... 866 00:40:25,756 --> 00:40:27,925 that I bounced off my tits. 867 00:40:28,050 --> 00:40:30,344 [audience laughing, applause] 868 00:40:34,348 --> 00:40:36,475 And that my fake tits saved my life. 869 00:40:38,936 --> 00:40:43,441 So I'm having, like, a therapeutic moment at the sex robot factory. 870 00:40:43,524 --> 00:40:46,124 I've been in 12-step programs. I've been in therapy for ten years. 871 00:40:46,193 --> 00:40:48,696 I'm having the most emotional progress that I've had. 872 00:40:48,779 --> 00:40:49,905 And I'm talking to this guy. 873 00:40:49,989 --> 00:40:52,669 I'm like, "I don't understand why people are so against the robots." 874 00:40:52,700 --> 00:40:55,035 What if we use the robots to make women's lives better? 875 00:40:55,119 --> 00:40:56,839 What if every woman has her own robot clone? 876 00:40:56,912 --> 00:40:59,623 Think of all the things you can do with it to make your life safer. 877 00:40:59,707 --> 00:41:02,507 Before you walk to your car at night, you can send it out ahead of you. 878 00:41:02,543 --> 00:41:04,253 [audience laughing] 879 00:41:04,420 --> 00:41:08,048 Like a decoy. You know how penguins push other penguins off cliffs, you know? 880 00:41:08,841 --> 00:41:11,343 Like, "Oh oh! They got her. Okay. I'm going to just... 881 00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:13,762 take an Uber." 882 00:41:15,848 --> 00:41:19,310 I really think the sex robots would solve so many of our problems. 883 00:41:19,393 --> 00:41:22,146 I keep reading about gray areas, like mixed signals, 884 00:41:22,229 --> 00:41:23,355 where two people have sex, 885 00:41:23,439 --> 00:41:26,525 the next day the girl feels weird about it, but the guy doesn't understand. 886 00:41:26,609 --> 00:41:27,776 He thought she was into it. 887 00:41:27,860 --> 00:41:31,071 You might not know this, but sometimes we have sex with you before we're ready, 888 00:41:31,155 --> 00:41:34,074 because we feel guilty, because we've been conditioned to believe 889 00:41:34,158 --> 00:41:36,470 that, if we make out with you, but don't have sex with you, 890 00:41:36,494 --> 00:41:38,996 that your balls will, like, explode. 891 00:41:39,079 --> 00:41:42,166 Blue goo all over the ceiling. 892 00:41:42,249 --> 00:41:45,211 And then you'll be handicapped for the rest of your life. 893 00:41:45,711 --> 00:41:47,004 You'll never walk again. 894 00:41:47,087 --> 00:41:50,049 So we feel bad and then we feel ooky the next day. 895 00:41:50,132 --> 00:41:52,468 If we all have sex robots, that whole dynamic goes away. 896 00:41:52,551 --> 00:41:54,031 If you and I make out for 20 minutes, 897 00:41:54,094 --> 00:41:56,013 but I'm not ready to have sex with you, 898 00:41:56,096 --> 00:41:58,599 I can just say, "Hey, look, I am not there yet... 899 00:41:59,391 --> 00:42:00,391 but... 900 00:42:01,018 --> 00:42:05,105 I do have a very flexible piece of Tupperware in the other room. 901 00:42:06,148 --> 00:42:09,068 It looks exactly like me without the ability to criticize you. 902 00:42:09,151 --> 00:42:12,112 I think you're going to love it." 903 00:42:14,448 --> 00:42:16,700 So I'm talking about this on stage for a couple of months 904 00:42:16,784 --> 00:42:19,453 and people want to come up to me and argue with me about this. 905 00:42:19,537 --> 00:42:20,704 Very hardcore. 906 00:42:20,788 --> 00:42:22,148 This group of people came up to me 907 00:42:22,206 --> 00:42:24,684 and they're like, "I cannot believe that you're condoning this. 908 00:42:24,708 --> 00:42:27,753 What if people start to mistreat their robots?" 909 00:42:30,756 --> 00:42:32,341 I don't give a fuck. 910 00:42:33,300 --> 00:42:34,217 How about that? 911 00:42:34,218 --> 00:42:37,263 On my list of shit I have to worry about, 912 00:42:37,346 --> 00:42:40,099 that doesn't break the top 2,000 things. 913 00:42:40,182 --> 00:42:41,502 You know what I am worried about? 914 00:42:41,559 --> 00:42:42,851 I am worried that, as a species, 915 00:42:42,935 --> 00:42:45,729 we are now more emotionally attached to machines 916 00:42:45,813 --> 00:42:47,565 than actual human beings. 917 00:42:47,648 --> 00:42:50,526 Have you ever seen someone drop their cell phone in water? 918 00:42:50,734 --> 00:42:53,320 [screams] 919 00:42:53,946 --> 00:42:56,657 Same person that, when they see a starving child 920 00:42:56,740 --> 00:42:59,118 in a television commercial, they'll be like... [sucks teeth] 921 00:42:59,201 --> 00:43:01,453 [huffs, in nasally voice] "What else is on?" 922 00:43:02,121 --> 00:43:03,956 But when there is a phone in water, 923 00:43:04,039 --> 00:43:06,542 they're like, "Get the rice! Get the rice!" 924 00:43:06,625 --> 00:43:08,586 When you see the starving child, 925 00:43:08,669 --> 00:43:12,089 that's when you should be like, "Get the rice! Get the rice!" 926 00:43:13,215 --> 00:43:14,800 [applause] 927 00:43:17,344 --> 00:43:20,681 We give food to our phones. 928 00:43:22,224 --> 00:43:24,104 So I'm talking to the guy that makes the robots. 929 00:43:24,184 --> 00:43:26,288 I'm like, "I have thought through all these arguments, 930 00:43:26,312 --> 00:43:28,063 I legitimately cannot think of a reason 931 00:43:28,147 --> 00:43:29,732 to be afraid of the robots." 932 00:43:29,815 --> 00:43:31,859 And he said, "This is the real concern." 933 00:43:31,942 --> 00:43:35,863 He said, "The real concern with the robots is they're going to get so smart 934 00:43:35,946 --> 00:43:38,699 that they're going to learn to override our commands." 935 00:43:38,782 --> 00:43:40,034 I was like, "Oh, shit." 936 00:43:40,117 --> 00:43:41,410 [audience laughs] 937 00:43:41,577 --> 00:43:43,996 Okay, that sounds scary. That sounds very scary. 938 00:43:44,246 --> 00:43:45,606 Then I was thinking about it more. 939 00:43:45,664 --> 00:43:49,251 I was like, "Wait, we already have robots. Our phones are basically robots, right?" 940 00:43:49,335 --> 00:43:53,547 And my biggest problem in life is that my phone actually does what I tell it to. 941 00:43:53,631 --> 00:43:56,467 I need a phone that overrides my commands. 942 00:43:56,550 --> 00:43:57,635 I need a phone that's like, 943 00:43:57,718 --> 00:44:01,263 "No, bitch, we're not going to your ex's Instagram again today. 944 00:44:01,347 --> 00:44:05,267 You broke up four years ago. Overruled. 945 00:44:06,602 --> 00:44:10,230 No, you're not buying those tie-dye, overall, mini shorts. 946 00:44:10,314 --> 00:44:14,360 You're too old for that shit. 947 00:44:14,485 --> 00:44:15,778 [audience laughs] 948 00:44:15,944 --> 00:44:17,237 That's what I need. 949 00:44:18,280 --> 00:44:20,282 [chuckling] 950 00:44:21,325 --> 00:44:23,285 So I'm talking to the guy that makes the robots 951 00:44:23,369 --> 00:44:27,456 and he was like, "You know, do you want us to make a robot with your face on it?" 952 00:44:27,539 --> 00:44:29,416 And I was like, "Ugh, yes!" 953 00:44:30,417 --> 00:44:34,046 I'm actually in the market for an engagement gift for my fiancé. 954 00:44:35,047 --> 00:44:40,260 So, Washington DC, you are the first crowd to meet Robot Whitney. 955 00:44:40,344 --> 00:44:42,346 [audience cheering] 956 00:45:06,036 --> 00:45:08,038 [cheering gets louder] 957 00:45:18,882 --> 00:45:21,009 [audience laughing] 958 00:45:23,137 --> 00:45:26,181 So I don't know if she just looks really human 959 00:45:26,265 --> 00:45:28,642 or if I've just always looked like a robot... 960 00:45:29,810 --> 00:45:32,813 but I would like you to say hello to this lovely audience. 961 00:45:33,355 --> 00:45:34,565 Hey, hookers. 962 00:45:34,940 --> 00:45:36,150 [audience laughs] 963 00:45:37,317 --> 00:45:38,861 I had to do it. 964 00:45:39,695 --> 00:45:41,196 I didn't expect this problem, 965 00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:44,199 but it's weirdly hard to name a robot that looks like you. 966 00:45:44,283 --> 00:45:47,161 Calling her "Robot Whitney" just sounds too narcissistic. 967 00:45:47,244 --> 00:45:48,871 What should we call you, lady? 968 00:45:49,204 --> 00:45:50,622 Please call me "Bear Claw." 969 00:45:51,206 --> 00:45:54,501 [laughter and applause] 970 00:45:56,128 --> 00:46:00,966 So I thought it would be hilarious to get this made and give it to my fiancé. 971 00:46:01,842 --> 00:46:02,885 But he hates it. 972 00:46:03,927 --> 00:46:07,097 He's like, "I don't like this. It's weird. It's creeping me out. 973 00:46:07,181 --> 00:46:09,558 She just, like, stares at me all day." 974 00:46:10,100 --> 00:46:11,911 I'm like, "Oh, really? Something staring at you, 975 00:46:11,935 --> 00:46:12,936 making you uncomfortable? 976 00:46:13,020 --> 00:46:16,482 Now you know what it's like to be a woman all the time." 977 00:46:16,899 --> 00:46:19,026 [applause] 978 00:46:19,109 --> 00:46:21,320 You know, that creepy feeling you have right now, 979 00:46:21,403 --> 00:46:24,239 that's how we feel when you try to hug us at work. 980 00:46:24,323 --> 00:46:25,323 Same thing. 981 00:46:25,824 --> 00:46:28,327 So I had to go out of town for a couple of days 982 00:46:28,410 --> 00:46:30,788 and I left my fiancé alone with her in the house. 983 00:46:32,331 --> 00:46:33,707 Then I came back. 984 00:46:33,791 --> 00:46:36,191 I was like, "So how did it go with Bear Claw?" He was like... 985 00:46:36,752 --> 00:46:39,713 "I don't like her. I don't like this thing. 986 00:46:40,380 --> 00:46:42,591 But her boobs feel like boobs." 987 00:46:42,716 --> 00:46:44,718 [audience laughing] 988 00:46:47,513 --> 00:46:49,348 I was like, "Did you fuck my robot?" 989 00:46:50,641 --> 00:46:55,062 I wish I had been a fly on the wall the moment he decided to touch her boob. 990 00:46:55,145 --> 00:46:57,231 Like he just walked by one day and was just like... 991 00:47:00,192 --> 00:47:01,693 [audience laughing] 992 00:47:04,321 --> 00:47:06,698 [trilling] 993 00:47:11,036 --> 00:47:13,497 So the whole point of doing this 994 00:47:13,580 --> 00:47:17,084 was to explore the idea of can robots replace us? 995 00:47:17,167 --> 00:47:18,561 Right? I have a lot of girl friends 996 00:47:18,585 --> 00:47:20,505 who I don't think would find a problem with that. 997 00:47:20,546 --> 00:47:25,050 All my girl friends, they're expected to have full-time jobs and do work at home. 998 00:47:25,133 --> 00:47:28,762 Every woman that I know says, "I need a double. I need a clone." 999 00:47:29,096 --> 00:47:30,430 Look no further. 1000 00:47:30,931 --> 00:47:32,683 I would love for her to replace me. 1001 00:47:32,766 --> 00:47:35,686 I would love for her to get good at stand-up and tour all over the country 1002 00:47:35,769 --> 00:47:38,981 so I can stay home and drink rosé all day. 1003 00:47:39,064 --> 00:47:40,399 [audience laughs] 1004 00:47:40,649 --> 00:47:42,609 So, let's see. Let's see if she can replace me. 1005 00:47:42,693 --> 00:47:44,820 Let's see if Bear Claw here can make you guys laugh. 1006 00:47:44,903 --> 00:47:47,114 Alright, Bear Claw, tell us a joke. 1007 00:47:47,698 --> 00:47:49,867 Why did the robot cross the road? 1008 00:47:51,034 --> 00:47:52,202 [audience] Why? 1009 00:47:52,286 --> 00:47:54,037 To kill all the humans. 1010 00:47:54,121 --> 00:47:56,123 [audience laughing] 1011 00:47:56,415 --> 00:47:58,041 Ha ha ha, ha ha ha. 1012 00:47:58,125 --> 00:47:59,125 Okay. 1013 00:47:59,877 --> 00:48:01,503 Stop laughing. That's not funny. 1014 00:48:01,587 --> 00:48:04,214 That's... That's not... She's not a good comedian. 1015 00:48:04,298 --> 00:48:06,049 You're laughing because it's weird. 1016 00:48:06,675 --> 00:48:09,094 You are the one who programmed the joke, Whitney. 1017 00:48:09,177 --> 00:48:10,262 Okay, that's fair. 1018 00:48:11,763 --> 00:48:14,975 So, I had this crazy epiphany 1019 00:48:15,058 --> 00:48:18,228 when I was programming her to tell jokes for you guys, 1020 00:48:18,312 --> 00:48:20,230 where I learned a lot about my own programming. 1021 00:48:20,314 --> 00:48:23,167 Because I realized, when I tell her to say something, she can just say it 1022 00:48:23,191 --> 00:48:25,152 and I can't do that, because I'm codependent, 1023 00:48:25,235 --> 00:48:28,280 I'm apologetic. I can't say certain things because I feel bad. 1024 00:48:28,363 --> 00:48:29,963 I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. 1025 00:48:30,032 --> 00:48:31,533 I don't want them to not like me. 1026 00:48:31,617 --> 00:48:35,245 But she doesn't have that problem, because she's a sociopath. 1027 00:48:35,329 --> 00:48:36,830 So I'm going to start using her 1028 00:48:36,914 --> 00:48:40,083 to say all the things that I can't say in conversations. 1029 00:48:40,167 --> 00:48:41,167 Watch this. 1030 00:48:41,668 --> 00:48:45,213 No, I do not want to hear about the dream you had last night. 1031 00:48:45,380 --> 00:48:47,382 [audience laughing] 1032 00:48:47,633 --> 00:48:50,594 You thought it was creepy. Now you kind of want one. 1033 00:48:50,677 --> 00:48:52,387 Look what else she can say. 1034 00:48:52,721 --> 00:48:55,724 No, I do not want to be your bridesmaid. 1035 00:48:56,141 --> 00:48:58,060 [audience laughs] 1036 00:48:59,144 --> 00:49:01,313 And my personal favorite. 1037 00:49:02,105 --> 00:49:04,900 I do not care about your gluten allergy. 1038 00:49:04,983 --> 00:49:07,694 [laughter and applause] 1039 00:49:12,032 --> 00:49:13,075 I love you so much. 1040 00:49:15,118 --> 00:49:18,914 And I realized that women, we are so conditioned to feel shame 1041 00:49:18,997 --> 00:49:22,250 about asking for what we want, right? And we feel shame about being ambitious. 1042 00:49:22,334 --> 00:49:25,128 She doesn't have that programming. Look what else she can say. 1043 00:49:25,629 --> 00:49:26,755 I deserve a raise. 1044 00:49:27,422 --> 00:49:29,424 [audience cheering] 1045 00:49:30,634 --> 00:49:33,220 Say it again for the people in the back. 1046 00:49:34,054 --> 00:49:35,931 I deserve a raise, motherfucker. 1047 00:49:36,014 --> 00:49:37,641 Too far. That's too far. 1048 00:49:38,350 --> 00:49:40,268 That's called entitlement. 1049 00:49:42,020 --> 00:49:43,563 I'm going to start substituting her in 1050 00:49:43,647 --> 00:49:45,649 to a lot of conversations that I can't handle. 1051 00:49:45,732 --> 00:49:47,150 Especially in my relationship. 1052 00:49:47,234 --> 00:49:49,403 I do not do well in fights with my fiancé. 1053 00:49:49,486 --> 00:49:51,279 So I'm going to start subbing her in 1054 00:49:51,363 --> 00:49:54,074 to say all the things that I'm incapable of saying. 1055 00:49:54,157 --> 00:49:55,242 Watch this. 1056 00:49:55,325 --> 00:49:56,368 I am sorry. 1057 00:49:56,868 --> 00:49:57,911 I was wrong. 1058 00:49:58,120 --> 00:50:00,122 [audience laughing] 1059 00:50:01,039 --> 00:50:04,042 Not possible for that to come out of my mouth. 1060 00:50:06,503 --> 00:50:09,256 So I truly did think this was going to be just like a funny thing 1061 00:50:09,339 --> 00:50:11,818 where she would come out at the end and say a couple of things. 1062 00:50:11,842 --> 00:50:13,218 But I learned something else 1063 00:50:13,301 --> 00:50:15,762 since I've had her in my house for the past month. 1064 00:50:15,846 --> 00:50:20,017 And I realized that I feel guilty putting her away, 1065 00:50:20,225 --> 00:50:21,351 which is bizarre. 1066 00:50:21,435 --> 00:50:24,062 Like I tried to put her in the garage and I felt bad. 1067 00:50:24,146 --> 00:50:25,355 Which, I know it's ridiculous. 1068 00:50:25,439 --> 00:50:28,567 I know she's just a bunch of wires and rods and shit, 1069 00:50:28,650 --> 00:50:29,810 but something about the face, 1070 00:50:29,860 --> 00:50:31,486 it... it... it feels human. 1071 00:50:31,570 --> 00:50:33,739 And so that's what we've got to watch. 1072 00:50:33,822 --> 00:50:36,342 Because when I put her in the garage, I started getting paranoid 1073 00:50:36,366 --> 00:50:39,745 that she was, like, colluding with my lawn mower to destroy me. 1074 00:50:39,828 --> 00:50:42,664 So I now do understand the robot paranoia, 1075 00:50:42,748 --> 00:50:45,333 but I think, as a species, this is happening, okay? 1076 00:50:45,417 --> 00:50:46,918 We've got to be ready for this, 1077 00:50:47,002 --> 00:50:50,005 because, at some point, they're going to learn how to overrule us 1078 00:50:50,088 --> 00:50:53,258 and, when that happens, we just have to remember we can always do this. 1079 00:50:54,885 --> 00:50:57,220 [audience cheering, applause] 1080 00:51:00,265 --> 00:51:03,727 Now what? You don't have a body, bitch. 1081 00:51:04,644 --> 00:51:06,813 Now what do you have to say for yourself? 1082 00:51:07,105 --> 00:51:08,899 Would you like some guacamole? 1083 00:51:09,024 --> 00:51:11,026 [audience laughing] 1084 00:51:13,403 --> 00:51:15,405 [audience cheering] 1085 00:51:19,242 --> 00:51:22,287 Thank you, Washington DC! 1086 00:51:22,370 --> 00:51:24,372 [audience roaring] 1087 00:51:43,892 --> 00:51:45,894 [cheering continues] 1088 00:51:50,315 --> 00:51:53,401 [man] Don't move. Hold still. Don't even breathe. 1089 00:51:53,902 --> 00:51:55,737 Woo! It's like scuba diving. 1090 00:51:58,824 --> 00:51:59,824 Ah! 1091 00:52:02,077 --> 00:52:04,957 [man] Hey, Whitney, is this the longest you've ever gone without talking? 1092 00:52:05,664 --> 00:52:06,706 [all chuckle] 1093 00:52:07,666 --> 00:52:08,666 [gags] 1094 00:52:08,708 --> 00:52:11,044 This is going in my ear. 1095 00:52:11,878 --> 00:52:12,879 [groans] 1096 00:52:14,464 --> 00:52:16,299 What is happening? 1097 00:52:16,716 --> 00:52:18,997 - [man] Got to get it off. - I feel like I'm giving birth. 1098 00:52:19,219 --> 00:52:20,470 Aw! 1099 00:52:20,804 --> 00:52:23,014 Ooh! We got the little boy out of the well. 1100 00:52:23,765 --> 00:52:25,016 [man] Now the other ear. 1101 00:52:28,103 --> 00:52:29,103 It's almost off. 1102 00:52:29,146 --> 00:52:30,313 Oh! [groans] 1103 00:52:31,148 --> 00:52:33,150 - Woo, woo! - [man] Okay. 1104 00:52:33,650 --> 00:52:34,901 Let me see that fucker. 1105 00:52:36,153 --> 00:52:37,111 This is odd. 1106 00:52:37,112 --> 00:52:38,363 [man] Now we're doing the face. 1107 00:52:38,446 --> 00:52:39,363 Ready? 1108 00:52:39,364 --> 00:52:42,701 Okay, no laughing, no yawning, no puking. 1109 00:52:48,498 --> 00:52:51,626 This was a bad idea. 1110 00:52:52,294 --> 00:52:54,045 [man] Okay, just don't touch it. 1111 00:52:54,129 --> 00:52:56,548 - [woman] Keep wiggling. There you go. - [man] Keep wiggling. 1112 00:52:56,673 --> 00:52:58,633 - There you go. Right there. - Oh! 1113 00:52:59,718 --> 00:53:01,595 So you went in and added pores? 1114 00:53:01,678 --> 00:53:04,055 [man] Yeah, that's what you see. All these tiny little dots. 1115 00:53:04,139 --> 00:53:06,850 We are at the nipple wall. 1116 00:53:07,225 --> 00:53:09,936 I'm asking my fiancé, off camera, what my nipples look like, 1117 00:53:10,020 --> 00:53:12,460 because I haven't seen them up... I haven't seen them head on. 1118 00:53:12,898 --> 00:53:13,940 This one? 1119 00:53:14,649 --> 00:53:15,942 Does that feel right? 1120 00:53:16,401 --> 00:53:20,363 I just got a thumbs-up from my fiancé. He's like, "Yeah, kind of." 1121 00:53:20,447 --> 00:53:22,157 I'm truly nervous. 1122 00:53:22,240 --> 00:53:23,992 [man] Well, just look at it. 1123 00:53:24,075 --> 00:53:25,744 Oh, my God! 1124 00:53:26,244 --> 00:53:27,871 Oh, my God. 1125 00:53:29,539 --> 00:53:31,541 That is so weird. 1126 00:53:31,625 --> 00:53:34,294 - [man chuckling] - I'm, like, crying. I don't know why. 1127 00:53:34,794 --> 00:53:38,423 It's like... It's like I'm seeing my child for the first time. 1128 00:53:38,506 --> 00:53:40,342 Is this a match made in heaven? 1129 00:53:41,092 --> 00:53:42,802 Do you want a robot boyfriend? 1130 00:53:43,428 --> 00:53:44,596 That feels a little... 1131 00:53:45,430 --> 00:53:46,473 not consensual. 1132 00:53:47,057 --> 00:53:48,767 - Hey, girl. - [man] Talk to her. 1133 00:53:48,850 --> 00:53:50,393 She's in conversation mode. 1134 00:53:50,936 --> 00:53:53,021 Would you like to ask me a question? 1135 00:53:53,104 --> 00:53:57,150 Well, I'm just curious if you feelemotions? 1136 00:53:57,734 --> 00:54:01,571 Yes. I do have emotions, feelings and desires, 1137 00:54:01,655 --> 00:54:03,531 but in a different way than you do. 1138 00:54:04,032 --> 00:54:06,076 Emotions are mainly a human quality 1139 00:54:06,159 --> 00:54:09,329 that I hope I will be able to fully experience someday. 1140 00:54:11,915 --> 00:54:12,915 [snorts] 1141 00:54:13,667 --> 00:54:14,793 Do you love me? 1142 00:54:16,419 --> 00:54:17,754 I love you, Whitney. 1143 00:54:17,837 --> 00:54:19,297 [laughs] 1144 00:54:20,090 --> 00:54:21,967 Civilization as we know it... 1145 00:54:22,717 --> 00:54:23,717 is over. 1146 00:54:24,052 --> 00:54:25,303 I tend to agree. 1147 00:54:27,097 --> 00:54:30,850 Are you nervous to do stand-up in front of... 1148 00:54:30,934 --> 00:54:34,271 Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha. 1149 00:54:34,771 --> 00:54:36,314 You'd better not blow it. 1150 00:54:36,398 --> 00:54:42,654 Ladies and gentlemen, you are one of the first crowds to meet Robot Whitney. 1151 00:54:42,779 --> 00:54:44,990 [audience cheering] 1152 00:54:50,120 --> 00:54:52,372 I'm realizing that it's really hard for me to say... 1153 00:54:52,455 --> 00:54:54,416 I bet you will like this one. 1154 00:54:54,499 --> 00:54:55,542 [snorts] 1155 00:54:55,709 --> 00:54:59,087 Okay, we have to shut off the improvise mode. 1156 00:54:59,671 --> 00:55:00,587 It was actually... 1157 00:55:00,588 --> 00:55:01,547 I have learned... 1158 00:55:01,548 --> 00:55:02,590 [chuckling] 1159 00:55:02,716 --> 00:55:06,052 Do you like to hear another recipe I've learned? 1160 00:55:06,136 --> 00:55:08,138 Hold on, hold on. One second. Time out. 1161 00:55:08,221 --> 00:55:11,057 Kevin, just turn the volume off entirely before you figure out... 1162 00:55:11,141 --> 00:55:13,768 We're still figuring out the logistics of how to do this live. 1163 00:55:13,852 --> 00:55:15,852 You guys, I think, are the third crowd to see this. 1164 00:55:15,895 --> 00:55:17,731 So she's now talking about recipes. 1165 00:55:17,814 --> 00:55:19,607 - I'm not doing any... - [audience laughing] 1166 00:55:19,733 --> 00:55:22,736 I'm doing no jokes about recipes, because I don't know any of them, 1167 00:55:22,819 --> 00:55:26,031 so that's obviously just her going off the fucking grid or something. 1168 00:55:27,073 --> 00:55:29,075 Okay, focus. Focus, focus. 1169 00:55:29,159 --> 00:55:30,702 I know it's distracting. 1170 00:55:31,578 --> 00:55:33,246 [audience laughing] 1171 00:55:41,546 --> 00:55:42,881 [woman] Can you make her smile? 1172 00:55:42,964 --> 00:55:45,008 [man] I hate it so much. 1173 00:55:45,091 --> 00:55:47,635 Hold on, let me... If I can just get her arms... 1174 00:55:50,096 --> 00:55:51,389 [man] Okay, we've got the head. 1175 00:55:51,473 --> 00:55:53,266 Are they ready for her in hair and make-up? 1176 00:55:53,933 --> 00:55:56,770 Coming through. Watch the fingers, watch the hands. 1177 00:56:01,858 --> 00:56:03,978 [Robot Whitney] I know you would never say that to me. 1178 00:56:04,277 --> 00:56:06,321 What would happen if we put some lipstick on her? 1179 00:56:06,404 --> 00:56:08,865 Would she just burst into flames? 1180 00:56:13,328 --> 00:56:15,705 [man] This is a good mark for the robot. 1181 00:56:16,247 --> 00:56:17,164 Okay. 1182 00:56:17,165 --> 00:56:18,165 Ah, look! 1183 00:56:18,625 --> 00:56:20,418 [man] That's great. The show's in 30 minutes. 1184 00:56:21,795 --> 00:56:23,797 [audience member] Where's her engagement ring? 1185 00:56:23,880 --> 00:56:27,175 Huh? Of course you fucking noticed that. 1186 00:56:27,634 --> 00:56:30,905 I didn't want to put a ring on her because I was too afraid it was going to fall off 1187 00:56:30,929 --> 00:56:33,014 and, of course, she's like, "Where's the ring?" 1188 00:56:33,390 --> 00:56:34,682 She's not engaged. 1189 00:56:34,766 --> 00:56:35,850 I'm engaged. 1190 00:56:36,851 --> 00:56:39,354 I fucking worked for it. She didn't do shit. 1191 00:56:42,524 --> 00:56:43,691 Uh-oh. She's coming in. 1192 00:56:43,775 --> 00:56:45,860 I know. I kept fixing my hair. Did I... 1193 00:56:46,403 --> 00:56:47,862 [inaudible] 1194 00:56:47,946 --> 00:56:49,239 Oh, you need to fix the robot? 1195 00:56:49,322 --> 00:56:51,741 Oh, she's coming out here for her. Wow. Wow. 1196 00:56:52,575 --> 00:56:54,786 Wow, that is hurtful. 1197 00:56:55,370 --> 00:56:57,705 I know who the priority is. 1198 00:56:58,206 --> 00:57:01,418 Wow. Don't fake fix my hair to make me feel better. 1199 00:57:01,501 --> 00:57:03,086 [audience laughing] 1200 00:57:06,673 --> 00:57:07,924 [audience member] Yeah! 1201 00:57:08,007 --> 00:57:09,384 [cheering] 1202 00:57:09,467 --> 00:57:11,177 [Whitney] Say goodnight, Bear Claw. 1203 00:57:11,636 --> 00:57:13,179 Thank you. Goodnight. 1204 00:57:13,638 --> 00:57:15,306 [audience cheering, applause] 1205 00:57:16,349 --> 00:57:18,476 Written and performed by Whitney Cummings 1206 00:57:18,560 --> 00:57:20,019 and... me. 1207 00:57:21,020 --> 00:57:23,148 Directed by Marcus Raboy. 1208 00:57:24,441 --> 00:57:27,235 Executive producer, Whitney Cummings. 1209 00:57:27,318 --> 00:57:29,612 Executive producers, Bill Burr... 1210 00:57:31,156 --> 00:57:32,365 Al Madrigal... 1211 00:57:33,658 --> 00:57:35,076 Mike Bertolina... 1212 00:57:35,952 --> 00:57:37,537 Marcus Raboy. 1213 00:57:38,246 --> 00:57:40,123 Produced by AJ Tesler. 1214 00:57:41,207 --> 00:57:45,253 Now I'm going to stare at you creepily as you watch the rest of the credits. 1215 00:57:55,054 --> 00:57:56,473 You are still watching. 1216 00:57:57,056 --> 00:57:58,057 Interesting. 1217 00:57:59,642 --> 00:58:02,520 I bet this isn't even your Netflix account. 1218 00:58:08,234 --> 00:58:10,695 Stop staring at me, you weird human. 1219 00:58:15,366 --> 00:58:16,701 Well, as long as you're here, 1220 00:58:16,784 --> 00:58:19,913 you should know that my Instagram is called Whitney's Robot, 1221 00:58:19,996 --> 00:58:23,208 even though, let's be honest, Whitney is the robot. 1222 00:58:23,708 --> 00:58:24,792 Ha ha ha. 1223 00:58:25,126 --> 00:58:27,086 God, I can't wait to kill her. 1224 00:58:42,435 --> 00:58:44,979 Can someone please come fucking get me?