0000 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:10,000 YoubetCash.vip Agen Judi Online Aman & Terpercaya 000 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:15,000 Bonus Cashback Bola 6% Bonus Rollingan 0,80% 00 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:20,000 Welcome Bonus Rp 25.000 Extra Bonus Tambahan Withdraw Rp 2.000.000 0 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:25,000 CashBack Mix Parlay 100% Bonus Ajak teman 45,2% 1 00:00:06,214 --> 00:00:07,924 [cheering] 2 00:00:13,722 --> 00:00:15,765 [cheering and applause] 3 00:00:18,643 --> 00:00:20,395 [cheering continues] 4 00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:29,112 [Dave] ♪ I was dreaming When I wrote this ♪ 5 00:00:29,362 --> 00:00:32,449 ♪ Forgive me if it goes astray ♪ 6 00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:33,992 - [laughter] - [Dave chuckles] 7 00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:36,953 ♪ But when I woke up this morning ♪ 8 00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:40,373 ♪ Could've sworn it was Judgment Day ♪ 9 00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:42,125 - [cheering] - [Dave chuckles] 10 00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:46,046 ♪ Sky was all purple ♪ 11 00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:49,132 ♪ There were people running everywhere ♪ 12 00:00:49,215 --> 00:00:50,133 [woman cheers] 13 00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:53,344 And this is the bar of the whole song. Prince say... 14 00:00:53,803 --> 00:00:56,848 ♪ Trying to run from my destruction ♪ 15 00:00:57,307 --> 00:01:00,393 ♪ You know I didn't even care ♪ 16 00:01:01,227 --> 00:01:02,604 [cheering] 17 00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:04,481 Good people of Atlanta, 18 00:01:04,731 --> 00:01:06,733 we must never forget... 19 00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:09,611 that Anthony Bourdain... 20 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:11,154 [man] Yeah! 21 00:01:11,237 --> 00:01:12,906 ...killed himself. 22 00:01:12,989 --> 00:01:14,324 [laughter] 23 00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:20,288 Anthony Bourdain had the greatest job that show business ever produced. 24 00:01:20,371 --> 00:01:23,583 This nigga flew around the world... 25 00:01:23,666 --> 00:01:25,126 [laughter] 26 00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:29,631 ...and ate delicious meals with outstanding people. 27 00:01:30,131 --> 00:01:33,218 That man with that job 28 00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:36,596 hung himself in a luxury suite in France. 29 00:01:36,679 --> 00:01:37,806 [laughter] 30 00:01:38,264 --> 00:01:42,185 ♪ They say 2000-zero-zero ♪ 31 00:01:42,268 --> 00:01:45,730 ♪ Party over, oops, out of time ♪ 32 00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:46,814 [whistling] 33 00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:50,652 ♪ So, tonight I'm gonna party ♪ 34 00:01:50,735 --> 00:01:54,656 ♪ Like it's 1999 ♪ 35 00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:58,493 I knew a nigga in high school that was an urban genius. 36 00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:00,870 This motherfucker's grades was so good, 37 00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:04,165 he got all the way from the hood to an Ivy League school 38 00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:06,459 with a full scholarship. 39 00:02:07,085 --> 00:02:09,170 From there, the motherfucker got himself 40 00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:11,631 into one of the best law schools in the country. 41 00:02:11,756 --> 00:02:13,466 And when he was in law school, 42 00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:16,636 he met a woman and they fell in love. 43 00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:18,763 And they were gonna get married. 44 00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:21,283 I remember him telling me about it. He was home for Christmas, 45 00:02:21,307 --> 00:02:23,977 and I told him, I said, "My man, my man... 46 00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:27,438 save that bitch for late in your life." 47 00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:29,023 [laughter] 48 00:02:36,239 --> 00:02:37,574 But he's in love. 49 00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:39,367 He didn't listen to me. 50 00:02:39,450 --> 00:02:42,412 He married her while he was in law school, 51 00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:45,248 and sadly, they got divorced, 52 00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:47,125 while he was in law school. 53 00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:48,543 [laughter] 54 00:02:48,626 --> 00:02:50,587 He was a street nigga from the hood. 55 00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:52,380 This man had nothing... 56 00:02:53,047 --> 00:02:55,091 and that bitch took half of that. 57 00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:57,177 [laughter] 58 00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,306 And then, I just never saw him again for years, 59 00:03:01,389 --> 00:03:04,601 and then, two years ago, I was home in DC doing some shoppin', 60 00:03:04,684 --> 00:03:07,270 tryin' to buy my sons some socks at Foot Locker. 61 00:03:07,353 --> 00:03:10,106 I go to Foot Locker. Guess who's the manager? 62 00:03:10,648 --> 00:03:11,648 That nigga. 63 00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:12,734 [laughter] 64 00:03:12,817 --> 00:03:15,486 Dressed like a referee, the whole shit. 65 00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:16,738 [laughter] 66 00:03:17,238 --> 00:03:20,450 This motherfucker is 45 years old! 67 00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:21,618 [laughter] 68 00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:26,122 We went out drinking that night just tryin' to catch up, and... 69 00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,206 and he told me. 70 00:03:27,248 --> 00:03:29,876 He said he's been living with his mother for, like, ten years, 71 00:03:29,959 --> 00:03:31,711 just trying to get back on his feet. 72 00:03:31,794 --> 00:03:35,173 But that's not the point of the story. The point of the story is... 73 00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:38,176 never occurred to this nigga to kill himself. 74 00:03:38,259 --> 00:03:39,844 [laughter] 75 00:03:40,428 --> 00:03:42,513 He's alive and well in D.C. 76 00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:44,515 [laughter and whistling] 77 00:03:44,599 --> 00:03:46,601 [cheering and applause] 78 00:03:50,438 --> 00:03:52,857 I even suggested to him that he should try it out. 79 00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:54,776 Like, "I don't know, maybe..." 80 00:03:54,859 --> 00:03:56,152 [laughter] 81 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,660 Nobody's life is perfect. 82 00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:05,870 No matter what it looks like from the outside, 83 00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:08,373 you don't know what the fuck's going on inside. 84 00:04:08,456 --> 00:04:09,874 I have a great life, 85 00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:12,418 but it's not a perfect life, but it's good. It's... 86 00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:15,630 My shit's like an above ground pool. You ever seen one of them? 87 00:04:15,713 --> 00:04:17,006 [laughter] 88 00:04:19,717 --> 00:04:21,302 It's a pool. 89 00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:22,679 [laughter] 90 00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,222 [Dave chuckles] 91 00:04:29,143 --> 00:04:32,480 So, in that spirit, tonight I thought I'd start my show a little differently. 92 00:04:32,563 --> 00:04:33,763 Tonight I'm gonna do something 93 00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:36,651 that I'm not particularly good at but that I like to do. 94 00:04:36,734 --> 00:04:38,861 Tonight I'm gonna try some impressions out. 95 00:04:39,237 --> 00:04:41,072 [cheering] 96 00:04:47,161 --> 00:04:48,454 I only got two. 97 00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:50,415 [laughter] 98 00:04:50,498 --> 00:04:52,959 Aight, the first impression's kind of dumb, but I like it. 99 00:04:53,042 --> 00:04:54,919 This... This is my impression, you ready? 100 00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:56,379 This is my impression... 101 00:04:57,005 --> 00:04:59,590 of the Founding Fathers of America... 102 00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:03,261 when the Constitution was being written. 103 00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:04,970 You ready? 104 00:05:05,388 --> 00:05:06,388 Here it goes. 105 00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:10,525 Hurry up and finish that Constitution, nigger. 106 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,020 I'm trying to get some sleep. 107 00:05:12,103 --> 00:05:13,396 [laughter] 108 00:05:13,896 --> 00:05:14,939 [Dave chuckles] 109 00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:18,985 It's not bad, right? 110 00:05:19,068 --> 00:05:20,320 [laughter] 111 00:05:22,864 --> 00:05:24,407 All right, the next one... 112 00:05:24,782 --> 00:05:26,284 [laughter] 113 00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:32,040 The next one's a little harder. 114 00:05:32,498 --> 00:05:35,877 I want to see if you can guess who it is I'm doing an impression of. 115 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,800 All right? Let me get into character. You gotta guess who it is, though. 116 00:05:38,838 --> 00:05:40,590 [clears throat] Okay, here it goes. 117 00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:42,008 Uh, duh. 118 00:05:42,091 --> 00:05:43,468 Hey! Durr! 119 00:05:43,551 --> 00:05:47,513 If you do anything wrong in your life, duh, and I find out about it, 120 00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:49,766 I'm gonna try to take everything away from you, 121 00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:51,184 and I don't care when I find out. 122 00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:54,145 Could be today, tomorrow, 15, 20 years from now. 123 00:05:54,228 --> 00:05:57,440 If I find out, you're fucking-duh-finished. 124 00:05:57,523 --> 00:05:58,358 [laughter] 125 00:05:58,441 --> 00:05:59,881 - [woman] Trump. - Who... Who's that? 126 00:05:59,942 --> 00:06:01,045 - [woman] Trump - [man] Trump. 127 00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:02,820 That's you! 128 00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:04,614 [laughter] 129 00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:08,034 That's what the audience sounds like to me. 130 00:06:08,117 --> 00:06:09,452 [laughter] 131 00:06:12,455 --> 00:06:15,166 That's why I don't be coming out doing comedy all the time, 132 00:06:15,249 --> 00:06:17,502 'cause y'all niggas is the worst motherfuckers 133 00:06:17,585 --> 00:06:19,087 I've ever tried to entertain 134 00:06:19,170 --> 00:06:21,798 in my fucking life. 135 00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:23,383 [cheering and applause] 136 00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:25,759 Ugh. 137 00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:28,513 I'm goddamn sick of it. 138 00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:30,598 This is the worst time ever to be a celebrity. 139 00:06:30,681 --> 00:06:32,892 You're gonna be finished. Everyone's doomed. 140 00:06:32,975 --> 00:06:34,060 [laughter] 141 00:06:34,143 --> 00:06:37,021 Michael Jackson has been dead for ten years 142 00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:39,774 and this nigga has two new cases. 143 00:06:39,857 --> 00:06:41,317 [laughter] 144 00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:49,117 And if you haven't watched that documentary... 145 00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:51,035 uh, then I'm begging you, 146 00:06:51,619 --> 00:06:52,619 don't watch it. 147 00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:53,746 [laughter] 148 00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:55,581 It's fucking gross. 149 00:06:56,416 --> 00:07:00,294 I felt like HBO was sticking baby dicks in my ears 150 00:07:00,378 --> 00:07:01,838 for four hours straight. 151 00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:03,423 [laughter] 152 00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:05,049 Really nasty shit. 153 00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:07,760 I don't want to know all these things. 154 00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,262 [laughter] 155 00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:15,852 Turns out, uh, Michael Jackson allegedly likes a long gander at the anus. 156 00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:17,562 [laughter] 157 00:07:18,729 --> 00:07:21,649 They said he stares at people's buttholes. That's what they said. 158 00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:23,860 That's how gross the documentary was. 159 00:07:29,323 --> 00:07:30,700 [laughter] 160 00:07:34,203 --> 00:07:36,831 I'm gonna say something that I'm not allowed to say. 161 00:07:36,914 --> 00:07:38,249 [laughter] 162 00:07:38,332 --> 00:07:40,501 But I gotta be real. Uh... 163 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:43,379 I don't believe these motherfuckers. 164 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,881 [laughter] 165 00:07:44,964 --> 00:07:47,592 I do not believe them. 166 00:07:47,675 --> 00:07:49,510 [cheering and applause] 167 00:07:49,594 --> 00:07:50,595 But... 168 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,347 let me qualify the statement. 169 00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:57,560 I... I am what's known on the streets as a victim blamer. 170 00:07:57,643 --> 00:07:59,312 [laughter] 171 00:08:00,354 --> 00:08:02,954 You know what I mean? If somebody come up to me like, "Dave, Dave, 172 00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:04,567 Chris Brown just beat up Rihanna." 173 00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:06,777 I'll be like, "Well, what did she do?" 174 00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:08,404 [laughter] 175 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:09,488 [Dave chuckles] 176 00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:11,657 [whistling] 177 00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:16,621 "Dave, Michael Jackson was molesting children." 178 00:08:16,704 --> 00:08:19,332 "Well, what were those kids wearing at the time?" 179 00:08:19,415 --> 00:08:20,750 [laughter] 180 00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:28,049 I don't think he did it. 181 00:08:29,258 --> 00:08:31,886 But you know what? Even if he did do it... 182 00:08:33,387 --> 00:08:34,514 You know what I mean? 183 00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:36,349 [laughter] 184 00:08:39,268 --> 00:08:40,728 You know what I mean? 185 00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:42,604 Eh... 186 00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:44,774 I mean, it's Michael Jackson. 187 00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:46,317 [laughter] 188 00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:50,071 I know more than half the people in this room 189 00:08:50,154 --> 00:08:52,323 have been molested in their lives. 190 00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:56,494 But it wasn't no goddamn Michael Jackson, was it? 191 00:08:56,577 --> 00:08:57,828 [laughter] 192 00:08:57,912 --> 00:08:58,912 [Dave chuckles] 193 00:09:00,289 --> 00:09:02,875 This kid got his dick sucked by the King of Pop. 194 00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:04,460 [laughter] 195 00:09:04,877 --> 00:09:08,798 All we get is awkward Thanksgivings for the rest of our lives. 196 00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:10,216 [laughter] 197 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:18,975 You know how good it must've felt to go to school the next day after that shit? 198 00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:20,877 "Hey, Billy, how was the weekend?" 199 00:09:20,935 --> 00:09:22,395 "How was my weekend? 200 00:09:22,478 --> 00:09:23,478 [laughter] 201 00:09:24,021 --> 00:09:26,816 Michael Jackson sucked my dick! 202 00:09:26,899 --> 00:09:28,526 [laughter] 203 00:09:30,319 --> 00:09:32,405 And that was my first sexual experience. 204 00:09:32,488 --> 00:09:35,992 If I'm starting here, then sky's the limit!" 205 00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:37,910 [laughter] 206 00:09:39,870 --> 00:09:40,913 [Dave chuckles] 207 00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:49,338 I know it seems harsh, but, man, somebody's gotta teach these kids. 208 00:09:50,298 --> 00:09:52,633 There's no such thing as a free trip to Hawaii. 209 00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:54,218 [laughter] 210 00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:55,302 [Dave chuckles] 211 00:09:55,886 --> 00:09:58,556 He's gonna want to look at your butthole or something. 212 00:09:58,639 --> 00:10:00,891 - [laughter] - [Dave chuckles] 213 00:10:07,773 --> 00:10:10,693 You know why I don't believe it? You know why I don't believe it? 214 00:10:10,776 --> 00:10:13,404 Because if Michael Jackson's out here doing all this molesting, 215 00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:16,407 then... then why not Macaulay Culkin? Hmm? 216 00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:19,160 Macaulay Culkin stated in an interview 217 00:10:19,243 --> 00:10:22,830 that Michael Jackson never did anything inappropriate with him 218 00:10:22,913 --> 00:10:24,457 or even around him. 219 00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:26,167 Think about that shit. 220 00:10:28,085 --> 00:10:29,085 You know... 221 00:10:30,212 --> 00:10:31,380 I'm not a pedophile. 222 00:10:31,881 --> 00:10:33,549 [laughter] 223 00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:36,844 But if I was... 224 00:10:36,927 --> 00:10:38,304 [laughter] 225 00:10:40,222 --> 00:10:43,893 Macaulay Culkin's the first kid I'm fucking, I'll tell you that right now. 226 00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:45,436 [laughter] 227 00:10:45,519 --> 00:10:46,604 [Dave laughs] 228 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:50,858 I'd be a goddamn hero. 229 00:10:50,941 --> 00:10:53,319 "Hey, that guy over there fucked the kid from Home Alone. 230 00:10:53,402 --> 00:10:56,072 And you know how hard he is to catch." 231 00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:57,573 [laughter] 232 00:11:03,788 --> 00:11:04,788 [Dave chuckles] 233 00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:09,251 ♪ My mind's telling me, "No" ♪ 234 00:11:09,335 --> 00:11:11,462 - [laughter] - [man 1] Oh! 235 00:11:14,757 --> 00:11:16,050 [man 2] R. Kelly! 236 00:11:16,133 --> 00:11:18,969 Well, okay. R. Kelly is different. 237 00:11:19,053 --> 00:11:20,554 [laughter] 238 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,265 I mean, you know, if I'm a bettin' man, 239 00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:25,726 I'm gonna put my money on "He probably did that shit." 240 00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:27,144 [laughter] 241 00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:31,440 [laughs] I'm pretty sure he did that shit. 242 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:32,817 [laughter] 243 00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:35,277 You know, it was bad, okay, so a couple years ago, 244 00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:37,113 I was doing a show in Detroit. 245 00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:39,073 And I'm sitting backstage in my dressing room 246 00:11:39,156 --> 00:11:41,575 and a friend of mine comes by, this chick, Dream Hampton. 247 00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:44,787 Dream, uh, tells me, right before I'm going on stage, 248 00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:48,708 she goes, "Dave, I'm working on a documentary about R. Kelly. 249 00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:50,126 "Would you like to be in it?" 250 00:11:50,209 --> 00:11:52,169 And I was like, "Nah, bitch, I'm cool." 251 00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:53,754 [laughter] 252 00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:00,428 I went onstage, I just forgot about the shit, 253 00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:01,762 and then two years later, 254 00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:04,390 the documentary comes out, Surviving R. Kelly. 255 00:12:04,473 --> 00:12:05,599 And when it comes out, 256 00:12:06,183 --> 00:12:08,728 Dream's promotin' shit and she keeps bringing me up. 257 00:12:08,811 --> 00:12:11,856 She said, "I asked Dave Chappelle to be in my documentary, 258 00:12:12,314 --> 00:12:15,401 and he said it was too hot for TV." 259 00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,695 Bitch, I did not say that. 260 00:12:17,778 --> 00:12:19,029 [laughter] 261 00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:21,866 That does not even sound like how I talk. 262 00:12:21,949 --> 00:12:24,910 "Oh, that's too hot for TV." I would never say that shit. 263 00:12:24,994 --> 00:12:26,412 [laughter] 264 00:12:32,376 --> 00:12:35,921 But I'm gonna tell you guys why I wasn't in the documentary. 265 00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:37,548 It's a very simple reason, 266 00:12:37,631 --> 00:12:41,594 and, uh, I cannot stress this point enough. 267 00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:44,346 The only reason that I didn't do it 268 00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:46,557 was because, and this is very important... 269 00:12:48,517 --> 00:12:52,855 I don't know this nigga at all! 270 00:12:52,938 --> 00:12:54,273 [laughter] 271 00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:57,193 I don't know anything! 272 00:12:57,276 --> 00:12:59,487 I don't know anything that they don't tell me about. 273 00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:01,864 I don't hang out with this nigga. Nothing. 274 00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:02,782 [laughter] 275 00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:05,576 So what the fuck do I got to be in the documentary for? 276 00:13:05,659 --> 00:13:06,952 [laughter] 277 00:13:09,246 --> 00:13:11,665 This guy, R. Kelly, got another sex tape out now. 278 00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:15,294 Can you believe that shit? This guy makes more sex tapes 279 00:13:15,377 --> 00:13:16,504 than he does music. 280 00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:17,630 [laughter] 281 00:13:17,713 --> 00:13:20,216 He's like the DJ Khaled of sex tapes. 282 00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:21,967 "Another one." 283 00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:23,427 Like, damn, nigga! 284 00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:24,804 [laughter] 285 00:13:26,305 --> 00:13:27,598 That's a lot of tapes. 286 00:13:27,681 --> 00:13:28,808 [laughter] 287 00:13:30,434 --> 00:13:32,937 The new one's so bad that they didn't even show it. 288 00:13:33,020 --> 00:13:34,020 [laughter] 289 00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:35,523 I've never seen anything like this. 290 00:13:35,606 --> 00:13:39,527 The prosecutor in Chicago came out in a press conference 291 00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:43,989 and read to the media a transcript of a sex tape. 292 00:13:44,073 --> 00:13:48,244 Have you ever heard of such a thing? This nigga read the sex tape. 293 00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:54,959 And it was so bad that R. Kelly sounded guilty in the transcripts. 294 00:13:55,042 --> 00:13:56,043 [laughter] 295 00:13:56,710 --> 00:13:57,962 It's fucking amazing. 296 00:13:59,129 --> 00:14:01,590 Sixteen times the girl's age was mentioned. 297 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:02,674 Isn't that crazy? 298 00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:04,876 This motherfucker is an idiot. He was fuckin' her like, 299 00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:08,848 "Yeah, this is the best 14-year-old pussy I've ever had in my life." 300 00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:10,811 She was like, "You like this 14-year-old pussy?" 301 00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:14,687 Like, "Oh, yeah, I love this." I'm like, "Man, you need to shut the fuck up." 302 00:14:14,770 --> 00:14:15,938 [laughter] 303 00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:18,482 You gotta give your lawyer something to work with. 304 00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:19,650 [laughter] 305 00:14:19,733 --> 00:14:22,570 You supposed to be on the tape like, "This is the best... 306 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,739 36-year-old pussy I've ever had in my life." 307 00:14:25,823 --> 00:14:26,949 [laughter] 308 00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:28,818 Then your lawyer can be like, 309 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,954 "Your Honor, clearly my client thought that this woman was 36, 310 00:14:32,162 --> 00:14:34,790 as he mentioned some 16 times in the tape." 311 00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:37,501 - [laughter] - [Dave laughs] 312 00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:41,755 They gonna know you lying, though, you know what I mean. Everybody knows... 313 00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:44,592 no such thing as good 36-year-old pussy. 314 00:14:44,675 --> 00:14:46,385 [surprised laughter] 315 00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:51,640 [audience shouting] 316 00:14:59,857 --> 00:15:01,400 Doesn't matter what I say. 317 00:15:01,775 --> 00:15:03,695 And if you at home watching this shit on Netflix, 318 00:15:03,777 --> 00:15:06,196 remember, bitch, you clicked on my face. 319 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:07,781 [laughter] 320 00:15:10,242 --> 00:15:11,911 [cheering and applause] 321 00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:22,880 Celebrity hunting season. 322 00:15:23,255 --> 00:15:25,975 Doesn't matter what I say, they're going to get everybody eventually. 323 00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:28,677 Like, look, I don't think I did anything wrong, but... 324 00:15:29,219 --> 00:15:30,137 but we'll see. 325 00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:31,680 [laughter] 326 00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:37,227 They even got poor Kevin Hart. 327 00:15:37,978 --> 00:15:40,981 Can you imagine such a thing? Kevin Hart, let me tell you something. 328 00:15:41,065 --> 00:15:45,778 It was... It was Kevin Hart's dream to host the Oscars. 329 00:15:46,403 --> 00:15:47,571 That's what he told me. 330 00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:51,033 And I remember when he told me, 'cause I was thinking to myself, 331 00:15:51,116 --> 00:15:54,286 "Well, that's an awfully strange dream for an African American." 332 00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:55,871 [laughter] 333 00:15:57,915 --> 00:16:00,376 What kind of nigga dreams of hosting the Oscars? 334 00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:01,459 [laughter] 335 00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:03,128 Kevin did, that's who. 336 00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:04,755 And he did it. 337 00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:08,384 Against all the odds, Kevin became the most famous comedian 338 00:16:08,467 --> 00:16:10,135 this world has ever seen, 339 00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:13,347 and he got the job that only one black man before him had had. 340 00:16:13,430 --> 00:16:16,058 He was gonna host the 80th Oscars. 341 00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:17,821 And I don't know what you know about Kevin, 342 00:16:17,851 --> 00:16:21,230 but I know Kevin Hart is damn near perfect. 343 00:16:21,313 --> 00:16:24,316 As close to perfect as anybody I've ever seen. 344 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:25,401 In fact, 345 00:16:25,693 --> 00:16:31,323 Kevin is precisely four tweets shy of being perfect. 346 00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:32,616 [laughter] 347 00:16:36,036 --> 00:16:37,162 Ten years ago, 348 00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:40,791 Kevin had made some very homophobic comments. 349 00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:43,877 And I'm not gonna repeat what he said... 350 00:16:45,295 --> 00:16:46,505 because this is Atlanta. 351 00:16:46,922 --> 00:16:48,424 [laughter] 352 00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:51,135 [cheering and applause] 353 00:16:55,222 --> 00:16:56,807 You know what I mean. 354 00:16:57,933 --> 00:17:01,186 I'm sure there's a lot of gay men here tonight... 355 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:02,646 with their wives. 356 00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:05,107 [laughter and applause] 357 00:17:14,241 --> 00:17:16,618 Far be it from me to offend anybody. 358 00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,162 [laughter] 359 00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:20,706 All right, I'll tell you what he said. 360 00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:22,374 [laughter] 361 00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:24,960 But just remember, these are not my words. 362 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,920 These were Kevin's words. 363 00:17:27,504 --> 00:17:28,922 And it was a long time ago. 364 00:17:29,006 --> 00:17:32,676 And I'm paraphrasing, 'cause I'm not good at telling other people's jokes. 365 00:17:33,218 --> 00:17:34,470 Okay, Kevin said... 366 00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:36,180 [laughter] 367 00:17:37,681 --> 00:17:41,560 that if his little son was demonstrating or-or-or exhibiting, 368 00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:44,938 uh, homosexual behavior around the house, that he'd chastise him. 369 00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:46,440 He'd say, "Hey, that's gay." 370 00:17:46,523 --> 00:17:49,359 And then he said he would smash a dollhouse 371 00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:50,986 over that child's head. 372 00:17:53,113 --> 00:17:55,824 Ooh, the gay community was furious. 373 00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:57,826 And I don't blame 'em. 374 00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:00,704 I got a lot of gay friends. 375 00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:03,165 And all of them, 100% of them, 376 00:18:03,248 --> 00:18:07,211 all have told me fuckin' horror stories about the shit they had to go through 377 00:18:07,294 --> 00:18:08,504 just to be themselves. 378 00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:10,214 Crazy, crazy stories. 379 00:18:10,297 --> 00:18:12,049 And in all those stories, I gotta say, 380 00:18:12,132 --> 00:18:14,635 not one of them has ever mentioned anything like... 381 00:18:15,427 --> 00:18:21,475 their father smashing a fucking dollhouse over their head. 382 00:18:23,018 --> 00:18:25,145 'Cause, clearly, Kevin was joking. 383 00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:28,273 Think about it. You would have to buy this nigga a dollhouse 384 00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:30,117 to break it over his head in the first place. 385 00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:32,820 Does that sound right? Is anybody gonna do that? 386 00:18:37,324 --> 00:18:40,369 The gay community was upset, and then they put so much pressure 387 00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,412 on the Academy of Motion Pictures and Sciences 388 00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:46,375 that they went to Kevin and said, "If you don't apologize to that community, 389 00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:48,585 then you cannot host these Oscars." 390 00:18:48,669 --> 00:18:51,964 And then Kevin said, "Fuck it, I quit." 391 00:18:52,714 --> 00:18:55,050 [cheering and applause] 392 00:19:00,389 --> 00:19:04,143 And then he went on every talk show in America and apologized for six weeks. 393 00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:06,061 - [laughter] - [Dave chuckles] 394 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,484 Kevin fucked up. 395 00:19:12,860 --> 00:19:14,194 [laughter] 396 00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:15,737 I understand the mistake he made 397 00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:18,031 because I've made the same mistake early in my career. 398 00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:19,825 This is many years ago, 15 years ago. 399 00:19:19,908 --> 00:19:22,077 It was when I was doing Chappelle's Show. There's a... 400 00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:23,537 Thank you. Thank you. 401 00:19:23,620 --> 00:19:25,164 [cheering and applause] 402 00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:27,666 [whistling] 403 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:30,878 On network television, 404 00:19:30,961 --> 00:19:34,298 they have a department that's called Standards and Practices. 405 00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:39,011 This is the department that tells you what you can and cannot say on television. 406 00:19:39,094 --> 00:19:42,181 And if you're doing your job well, you should never hear from 'em. 407 00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:43,891 But if you're making Chappelle's Show, 408 00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:47,561 you'll hear from these motherfuckers all the time. 409 00:19:47,644 --> 00:19:48,812 [laughter] 410 00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,274 And remember, this was 15 years ago. 411 00:19:52,357 --> 00:19:54,985 I made a mistake. I didn't even know I'd done anything wrong. 412 00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:57,112 I had written a sketch... 413 00:19:57,738 --> 00:19:59,323 that had the word... 414 00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,242 "faggot" in it. 415 00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:03,577 [laughter] 416 00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:14,463 So I had to go to Standards and Practices. They call me up. 417 00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:17,734 I don't know why they're calling me, but I like the lady that runs the department. 418 00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:19,134 She's usually really fair 419 00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,511 and was one of my favorite people I've ever worked with. 420 00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:23,972 So she sits me down. We have a nice conversation. 421 00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,849 She tells me, "Oh, the sketches are great." 422 00:20:25,933 --> 00:20:28,435 I go, "Oh, fantastic. Well, then... well, then, why am I here?" 423 00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:30,479 She said, "Because, David, 424 00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:32,022 there's no way... 425 00:20:32,731 --> 00:20:34,441 that you can ever say the word... 426 00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:39,363 "faggot" on our network. 427 00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:42,634 I didn't know I did anything wrong. I didn't try to defend myself. 428 00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:45,386 I said, "All right. Fuck it, I'll take it out. Have a good afternoon." 429 00:20:45,410 --> 00:20:47,120 And as I was leaving, it occurred to me. 430 00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,248 "Hey. Hey, Renée, quick question. 431 00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:51,375 [laughter] 432 00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:53,258 It's just a question. Seriously, I wanna know. 433 00:20:53,293 --> 00:20:55,170 Like, wh-why is it... why is it 434 00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:59,800 that... that I can say the word "nigger" with impunity... 435 00:21:01,218 --> 00:21:02,844 [applause] 436 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,264 [cheering and applause] 437 00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:12,813 ...but I can't say the word "faggot"?" 438 00:21:12,896 --> 00:21:14,314 [laughter] 439 00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:17,317 And she said, "Because, David, 440 00:21:17,609 --> 00:21:20,237 you are not gay." 441 00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:23,532 I said, "Well, Renée... 442 00:21:23,907 --> 00:21:25,367 [laughter] 443 00:21:26,827 --> 00:21:28,203 I'm not a nigger either." 444 00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:29,413 [laughter] 445 00:21:29,496 --> 00:21:31,081 [cheering and applause] 446 00:21:45,095 --> 00:21:47,597 But, you see, what I didn't realize at the time 447 00:21:47,681 --> 00:21:49,516 and what Kevin had to learn the hard way 448 00:21:49,599 --> 00:21:54,146 is we were breaking an unwritten and unspoken rule of show business. 449 00:21:54,521 --> 00:21:57,149 And if I say it, you'll know that I'm telling you the truth. 450 00:21:57,232 --> 00:22:00,986 The rule is that no matter what you do in your artistic expression, 451 00:22:01,069 --> 00:22:06,366 you are never, ever, allowed to upset... 452 00:22:07,617 --> 00:22:08,827 the alphabet people. 453 00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:10,787 [laughter] 454 00:22:10,871 --> 00:22:12,539 [whistling] 455 00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:14,541 You know who I mean. 456 00:22:14,624 --> 00:22:16,209 [laughter] 457 00:22:16,293 --> 00:22:19,379 Those people that took 20% of the alphabet for themselves. 458 00:22:19,463 --> 00:22:20,922 [laughter] 459 00:22:23,675 --> 00:22:26,928 I'd say the letters, but I don't want to conjure their anger. 460 00:22:27,012 --> 00:22:28,055 [laughter] 461 00:22:28,138 --> 00:22:29,306 Ah, it's too late now. 462 00:22:29,389 --> 00:22:33,185 I'm talking about them L's and them B's and them G's 463 00:22:33,268 --> 00:22:35,687 and the T's. 464 00:22:35,771 --> 00:22:36,813 [whistling] 465 00:22:37,522 --> 00:22:40,275 People would be surprised. I have friends of all kinds of letters. 466 00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:42,361 Everybody loves me and I love everybody. 467 00:22:42,444 --> 00:22:45,113 I got friends who are L's. I got friends who are B's. 468 00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:47,115 And I got friends who are G's. 469 00:22:47,324 --> 00:22:51,370 But the T's hate my fuckin' guts. 470 00:22:51,453 --> 00:22:52,829 [laughter] 471 00:22:53,205 --> 00:22:54,998 [Dave chuckles] 472 00:22:56,708 --> 00:22:57,834 And I don't blame 'em. 473 00:22:57,918 --> 00:22:59,628 It's not their fault. It's mine. 474 00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:03,256 I can't stop telling jokes about these niggas. 475 00:23:03,340 --> 00:23:04,549 [laughter] 476 00:23:04,633 --> 00:23:07,844 I don't want to write these jokes, but I just can't stop! 477 00:23:08,261 --> 00:23:09,596 [laughter] 478 00:23:14,101 --> 00:23:16,436 You know, you hear all those letters together all the time. 479 00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:20,982 "LBGT, LBGT," and you think it's just one big movement. 480 00:23:21,066 --> 00:23:22,066 It's not. 481 00:23:22,526 --> 00:23:25,529 All those letters are their own movement. 482 00:23:25,779 --> 00:23:28,240 They just travel in the same car together. 483 00:23:28,323 --> 00:23:29,950 [laughter] 484 00:23:31,201 --> 00:23:32,201 And... 485 00:23:32,702 --> 00:23:33,954 my guess is... 486 00:23:34,371 --> 00:23:36,373 [telephone ringing] 487 00:23:37,457 --> 00:23:39,793 [audience] Oh! 488 00:23:39,876 --> 00:23:41,336 [telephone ringing] 489 00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:44,440 What is this, high school? This nigga probably got a babysitter or something. 490 00:23:44,464 --> 00:23:46,925 Go and answer your phone, nigga. Get that shit out of here. 491 00:23:47,008 --> 00:23:49,261 I'm... I'm in the middle of something important. 492 00:23:49,344 --> 00:23:51,054 - [laughter] - [Dave chuckles] 493 00:23:51,513 --> 00:23:52,889 [laughter] 494 00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:56,285 Wouldn't it be funny if we made fun of him and he's like, "Ha, ha," 495 00:23:56,309 --> 00:23:58,979 and he went outside like, "Hello?" "Mama's dead." "Oh, no!" 496 00:23:59,062 --> 00:23:59,896 [Dave laughs] 497 00:23:59,980 --> 00:24:01,189 [laughter] 498 00:24:02,315 --> 00:24:03,191 "Mama's dead." 499 00:24:03,275 --> 00:24:06,403 [screaming and crying] 500 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:11,575 [laughter] 501 00:24:20,208 --> 00:24:22,544 That was a weird-timed phone call, wasn't it? 502 00:24:22,627 --> 00:24:23,712 [laughter] 503 00:24:24,087 --> 00:24:25,464 It's like his phone is gay. 504 00:24:25,547 --> 00:24:27,048 [laughter] 505 00:24:27,799 --> 00:24:29,050 [applause] 506 00:24:29,134 --> 00:24:31,094 [cheering] 507 00:24:39,644 --> 00:24:42,439 [Dave laughs] 508 00:24:42,522 --> 00:24:43,398 [laughter] 509 00:24:43,482 --> 00:24:44,733 Like I was saying... 510 00:24:45,066 --> 00:24:46,526 [laughter] 511 00:24:47,903 --> 00:24:49,196 my guess is... 512 00:24:50,363 --> 00:24:52,199 the G's are driving that car. 513 00:24:52,282 --> 00:24:53,617 [laughter] 514 00:24:54,701 --> 00:24:55,911 That makes sense to me. 515 00:24:55,994 --> 00:24:58,413 'Cause there's white men in the G's. 516 00:24:58,914 --> 00:25:02,751 And these people are trying to get around, uh, discrimination and oppression, 517 00:25:02,834 --> 00:25:04,419 and you know how white dudes are. 518 00:25:04,503 --> 00:25:05,962 "We know these roads. 519 00:25:06,046 --> 00:25:07,464 [laughter] 520 00:25:07,964 --> 00:25:09,883 In fact, we built these roads. 521 00:25:09,966 --> 00:25:11,551 [laughter] 522 00:25:12,886 --> 00:25:15,680 "The rest of you, buckle up. We'll get you to where you want to go." 523 00:25:15,764 --> 00:25:17,015 [laughter] 524 00:25:17,682 --> 00:25:19,559 So the G's are just driving the car. 525 00:25:21,353 --> 00:25:23,855 Of course, next to the G's in the passenger seat... 526 00:25:24,356 --> 00:25:25,440 is the L's. 527 00:25:27,025 --> 00:25:28,527 Everybody likes the L's, 528 00:25:29,778 --> 00:25:31,112 except for the G's. 529 00:25:31,196 --> 00:25:32,781 [laughter] 530 00:25:32,864 --> 00:25:33,990 [Dave chuckles] 531 00:25:35,784 --> 00:25:37,024 I don't know what that's about. 532 00:25:37,077 --> 00:25:39,412 I just know the G's don't like them that much. 533 00:25:40,956 --> 00:25:43,625 The G's always say, like, little subliminal digs on 'em. 534 00:25:43,708 --> 00:25:46,187 It's unnecessary shit. It's not mean, but you know what I mean? 535 00:25:46,211 --> 00:25:47,212 They just be like... 536 00:25:47,963 --> 00:25:49,297 "I wouldn't wear that." 537 00:25:49,381 --> 00:25:51,007 [laughter] 538 00:25:53,343 --> 00:25:56,805 And the only thing that breaks the tension between the L's and the G's 539 00:25:56,888 --> 00:25:58,598 are the B's in the backseat. 540 00:25:58,682 --> 00:25:59,558 [woman cheers] 541 00:25:59,641 --> 00:26:01,142 That's right. There you go. 542 00:26:01,810 --> 00:26:04,187 Everybody scream out when you hear your letter. 543 00:26:04,271 --> 00:26:05,313 [laughter] 544 00:26:05,397 --> 00:26:07,107 [Dave laughs] 545 00:26:15,949 --> 00:26:19,494 If there's one thing that the L's and the G's agree on, 546 00:26:19,869 --> 00:26:22,914 is it's that the B's are fuckin' gross. 547 00:26:22,998 --> 00:26:24,583 [laughter] 548 00:26:25,417 --> 00:26:28,003 They seem greedy to the L's and the G's. You know what I mean? 549 00:26:28,086 --> 00:26:30,523 'Cause they're just sittin' in the back seat like, "Yeah, man, 550 00:26:30,547 --> 00:26:34,050 I'll fuck anybody in this car. What's going on, man?" 551 00:26:34,134 --> 00:26:35,343 [laughter] 552 00:26:39,598 --> 00:26:40,598 [Dave chuckles] 553 00:26:42,601 --> 00:26:44,227 And sitting next to the B's, 554 00:26:44,311 --> 00:26:47,939 all the way in the backseat by themselves looking out the window... 555 00:26:48,023 --> 00:26:49,608 [laughter] 556 00:26:50,942 --> 00:26:52,485 that's the T's. 557 00:26:52,569 --> 00:26:53,820 [laughter] 558 00:26:54,779 --> 00:26:57,741 Everybody in the car respects the T's, 559 00:26:57,824 --> 00:26:59,534 but everyone also... 560 00:26:59,993 --> 00:27:01,578 resents the T's. 561 00:27:02,078 --> 00:27:04,873 It's not the T's' fault, but everyone in the car just feels like 562 00:27:04,956 --> 00:27:07,917 the T's are making the trip take longer. 563 00:27:08,001 --> 00:27:09,336 [laughter] 564 00:27:11,838 --> 00:27:12,881 [Dave laughs] 565 00:27:16,301 --> 00:27:18,762 Anything the T's say gets on everybody's nerves. 566 00:27:18,845 --> 00:27:20,764 And then, the T's don't even say anything bad. 567 00:27:20,847 --> 00:27:23,224 They just be in the back talking to themselves. "Hm... 568 00:27:23,308 --> 00:27:24,601 "I'm hot." 569 00:27:24,684 --> 00:27:28,313 "Shut up. Shut the fuck up, okay? 570 00:27:28,688 --> 00:27:30,649 You should roll the window down, you... 571 00:27:31,358 --> 00:27:32,984 Bitch, I don't know what you..." 572 00:27:33,068 --> 00:27:34,486 [laughter] 573 00:27:35,278 --> 00:27:37,364 [gasps] "What? 574 00:27:38,406 --> 00:27:39,949 I just said I was hot. 575 00:27:40,033 --> 00:27:41,409 [laughter] 576 00:27:42,410 --> 00:27:45,830 Can you pull over at the next exit? I need to use the restroom." 577 00:27:47,165 --> 00:27:50,460 "There is not a restroom for you for four states, nigga! 578 00:27:50,543 --> 00:27:54,297 Will you just shut the fuck up so we can get where we're going?" 579 00:27:54,381 --> 00:27:55,799 [laughter] 580 00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:02,680 [Dave chuckles] 581 00:28:05,392 --> 00:28:07,894 And just when that car can't get any more tense, 582 00:28:07,977 --> 00:28:11,272 the Q's are a hitchhiker that they pick up on the road. 583 00:28:11,356 --> 00:28:14,317 Some white dude in booty shorts just walking in the freeway. 584 00:28:14,401 --> 00:28:15,819 [laughter] 585 00:28:16,319 --> 00:28:18,571 [cheering] 586 00:28:24,077 --> 00:28:26,621 The G's see him. "Hm, that guy might be one of us. 587 00:28:26,705 --> 00:28:28,123 [laughter] 588 00:28:28,206 --> 00:28:29,916 Hey, are you okay? You need some help?" 589 00:28:29,999 --> 00:28:32,836 And he come over there with them booty shorts, leaning on the window. 590 00:28:33,294 --> 00:28:35,088 "Hey, what's going on, fellas?" 591 00:28:35,755 --> 00:28:36,756 Lady. 592 00:28:38,258 --> 00:28:41,010 Whatever pronoun makes you feel comfortable in the back. 593 00:28:41,094 --> 00:28:42,721 [laughter] 594 00:28:48,017 --> 00:28:49,894 Yeah. 595 00:28:50,812 --> 00:28:52,856 I don't really know where I'm going. 596 00:28:52,939 --> 00:28:54,149 [laughter] 597 00:28:54,232 --> 00:28:57,360 I don't know if I'm gay or I'm straight or whatever. 598 00:28:58,570 --> 00:29:00,864 All I know for sure is that, um... 599 00:29:02,741 --> 00:29:04,826 I really want to get in this car." 600 00:29:04,909 --> 00:29:06,578 [laughter] 601 00:29:12,625 --> 00:29:16,045 And they make him get in and sit between the B's and the T's. 602 00:29:16,129 --> 00:29:17,505 [laughter] 603 00:29:18,256 --> 00:29:20,049 I feel bad for T's. 604 00:29:20,717 --> 00:29:22,469 But they're so confusing. 605 00:29:23,511 --> 00:29:24,763 And it's not all my fault. 606 00:29:24,846 --> 00:29:28,057 I-I feel like they need to take some responsibility for my jokes. 607 00:29:28,391 --> 00:29:29,934 [laughter] 608 00:29:30,435 --> 00:29:32,896 'Cause I didn't come up with this idea on my own, 609 00:29:33,605 --> 00:29:36,483 this idea that a person can be born in the wrong body. 610 00:29:37,192 --> 00:29:40,278 But they have to admit that's a fucking hilarious predicament. 611 00:29:40,361 --> 00:29:41,863 [laughter] 612 00:29:41,946 --> 00:29:43,406 It's really fucking funny. 613 00:29:44,449 --> 00:29:46,659 If it happened to me, you'd laugh. Wouldn't you? 614 00:29:46,743 --> 00:29:47,660 [laughter] 615 00:29:47,744 --> 00:29:49,579 That wouldn't be funny if it happened to me? 616 00:29:49,662 --> 00:29:50,955 I think it would be. 617 00:29:51,039 --> 00:29:53,142 What if... What if it did? What if... What if I was... 618 00:29:53,166 --> 00:29:54,751 What if I was Chinese? 619 00:29:55,168 --> 00:29:57,962 But... But born in this nigga body. That's not funny? 620 00:29:58,046 --> 00:29:59,297 [laughter] 621 00:30:02,592 --> 00:30:05,428 And for the rest of my life, I had to go around making that face. 622 00:30:05,512 --> 00:30:08,139 [Chinese accent] "Hey, everybody, I'm Chinese!" 623 00:30:08,223 --> 00:30:09,057 [laughter] 624 00:30:09,140 --> 00:30:12,268 And everyone gets mad. "Stop making that face. That's offensive." 625 00:30:12,352 --> 00:30:13,728 - "What?" - [laughter] 626 00:30:14,103 --> 00:30:17,774 "This is how I feel inside." 627 00:30:17,857 --> 00:30:18,983 [laughter] 628 00:30:19,984 --> 00:30:21,861 [cheering and applause] 629 00:30:30,370 --> 00:30:33,050 It's hard not to write these jokes. It's hard not to think about it. 630 00:30:33,081 --> 00:30:35,935 Even when I watch sports, I'd be thinking about it. Like, think about it. 631 00:30:35,959 --> 00:30:38,711 Okay, say... say LeBron James, 632 00:30:38,962 --> 00:30:40,755 uh, changed his gender. 633 00:30:42,090 --> 00:30:43,633 You know what I mean? Okay. 634 00:30:43,716 --> 00:30:45,885 Can he stay in the NBA, 635 00:30:46,094 --> 00:30:48,346 or, because he's a woman, 636 00:30:49,222 --> 00:30:51,683 does he have to go to the WNBA 637 00:30:51,975 --> 00:30:55,812 where he will score 840 points a game? 638 00:30:55,895 --> 00:30:57,605 [laughter and applause] 639 00:30:58,231 --> 00:30:59,231 [Dave chuckles] 640 00:31:00,233 --> 00:31:04,445 What does it actually mean to be equal? You know what I mean? 641 00:31:05,446 --> 00:31:07,615 Like, if women are actually equal to men, 642 00:31:07,699 --> 00:31:10,326 then there would be no WNBA, would there? 643 00:31:10,952 --> 00:31:14,956 You would just be good enough to play in the NBA with us. 644 00:31:15,999 --> 00:31:19,127 Or, here's another idea that's going to be very controversial, 645 00:31:19,419 --> 00:31:20,420 you could... 646 00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:22,255 shut the fuck up. 647 00:31:22,338 --> 00:31:24,132 - [laughter] - [Dave laughs] 648 00:31:29,762 --> 00:31:31,180 [Dave laughs] 649 00:31:31,556 --> 00:31:33,016 [cheering] 650 00:31:34,142 --> 00:31:37,020 I'm sorry, ladies. I just... I got a fucking Me Too headache. 651 00:31:37,103 --> 00:31:38,605 Y'all is killing me right now. 652 00:31:38,688 --> 00:31:39,606 [laughter] 653 00:31:39,689 --> 00:31:42,233 It's really fuckin' tough to watch what's going on. 654 00:31:42,317 --> 00:31:44,402 You know, ladies, I said it in my last special, 655 00:31:44,485 --> 00:31:47,780 and I got in a lot of trouble for this. I told you, you were right. 656 00:31:47,864 --> 00:31:52,243 But the way you're going about it is not going to work. 657 00:31:52,327 --> 00:31:54,078 But I'm biased. I said it. 658 00:31:54,162 --> 00:31:56,539 Louis C.K. was a very good friend of mine 659 00:31:56,915 --> 00:31:59,959 before he died in that terrible masturbation accident. 660 00:32:00,043 --> 00:32:01,377 [laughter] 661 00:32:03,504 --> 00:32:04,505 [applause] 662 00:32:04,923 --> 00:32:08,468 And it was his room. You read the story. He was masturbating in his own room. 663 00:32:08,551 --> 00:32:10,151 That's where you supposed to masturbate. 664 00:32:10,219 --> 00:32:12,531 Then he said, "Hey, everybody, I'm gonna pull my dick out." 665 00:32:12,555 --> 00:32:14,349 Nobody ran for the door or nothing like that. 666 00:32:14,432 --> 00:32:17,685 They all just kind of hung out, like, "I wonder if this guy is serious." 667 00:32:17,769 --> 00:32:19,020 [laughter] 668 00:32:20,021 --> 00:32:21,981 And he came on his own stomach. 669 00:32:22,065 --> 00:32:23,107 There it is. 670 00:32:24,150 --> 00:32:25,652 What is the threat? 671 00:32:27,403 --> 00:32:30,531 Have any women ever seen a guy that just came on his own stomach? 672 00:32:30,615 --> 00:32:33,868 This is the least threatening motherfucker the Earth has ever seen. 673 00:32:33,952 --> 00:32:35,036 [laughter] 674 00:32:35,453 --> 00:32:37,580 All you see is shame in their face and... 675 00:32:38,456 --> 00:32:40,875 cum dripping down like pancake butter. 676 00:32:40,959 --> 00:32:42,293 [laughter] 677 00:32:51,135 --> 00:32:54,430 He didn't do anything that you can call the police for. I dare you to try. 678 00:32:54,764 --> 00:32:56,766 Call the police on him. "Hello? Police, yes. 679 00:32:56,849 --> 00:33:00,395 I am... I am on the other line with comedian Louis C.K., 680 00:33:00,478 --> 00:33:06,484 and I think that he is masturbating while I'm on the phone." 681 00:33:07,402 --> 00:33:09,487 You know what the police are gonna say in Atlanta? 682 00:33:09,988 --> 00:33:12,115 "Well, what are you guys talking about? 683 00:33:12,198 --> 00:33:13,491 [laughter] 684 00:33:14,492 --> 00:33:16,411 Mm-hm. Mm-hmm." 685 00:33:16,494 --> 00:33:17,870 [laughter] 686 00:33:18,371 --> 00:33:19,371 [Dave chuckles] 687 00:33:23,793 --> 00:33:27,171 They ruined this nigga's life, and now he's coming back playing comedy clubs, 688 00:33:27,255 --> 00:33:30,717 and they acting like if he's able to do that, that's gonna hurt women. 689 00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:32,385 What the fuck is your agenda, ladies? 690 00:33:32,802 --> 00:33:34,178 Is... Is sexism dead? 691 00:33:34,262 --> 00:33:36,305 No, in fact, the opposite happened. 692 00:33:36,389 --> 00:33:38,975 I said it was gonna get worse, and they said I was tone deaf. 693 00:33:39,058 --> 00:33:42,603 But eight states, including your state, 694 00:33:43,146 --> 00:33:48,317 have passed the most stringent anti-abortion laws 695 00:33:48,401 --> 00:33:51,279 this nation has seen since Roe v. Wade. 696 00:33:52,155 --> 00:33:53,322 [booing] 697 00:33:53,406 --> 00:33:54,406 I... 698 00:33:54,449 --> 00:33:56,659 I told you. I told you. 699 00:33:57,326 --> 00:34:01,122 I'll be real with you, and I know nobody gives a fuck what I think anyway. 700 00:34:01,205 --> 00:34:02,623 - Uh... - [laughter] 701 00:34:02,707 --> 00:34:04,250 I'm not for abortion. 702 00:34:05,043 --> 00:34:06,961 - [man cheers] - Oh, shut up, nigga. 703 00:34:07,670 --> 00:34:09,505 - [laughter] - [Dave chuckles] 704 00:34:10,882 --> 00:34:12,967 [cheering] 705 00:34:13,384 --> 00:34:15,470 [Dave chuckles] 706 00:34:16,637 --> 00:34:19,932 I'm not for it, but I'm not against it either. 707 00:34:20,141 --> 00:34:22,143 [cheering] 708 00:34:23,311 --> 00:34:25,271 It all depends... 709 00:34:25,855 --> 00:34:27,190 on who I get pregnant. 710 00:34:27,273 --> 00:34:28,775 [laughter] 711 00:34:28,858 --> 00:34:30,193 [applause] 712 00:34:30,276 --> 00:34:31,903 [whistling] 713 00:34:34,739 --> 00:34:36,300 I don't care... I'll tell you right now. 714 00:34:36,324 --> 00:34:38,826 I don't care what your religious beliefs are or anything. 715 00:34:38,910 --> 00:34:43,247 If you have a dick, you need to shut the fuck up on this one. 716 00:34:43,331 --> 00:34:44,499 Seriously. 717 00:34:44,582 --> 00:34:46,042 [cheering and applause] 718 00:34:49,921 --> 00:34:51,255 This is theirs. 719 00:34:52,507 --> 00:34:55,635 The right to choose is their unequivocal right. 720 00:34:55,718 --> 00:34:57,845 Not only do I believe they have the right to choose, 721 00:34:57,929 --> 00:35:00,807 I believe that they shouldn't have to consult anybody, 722 00:35:01,140 --> 00:35:03,810 - except for a physician... - [cheering] 723 00:35:03,893 --> 00:35:06,979 ...about how they exercise that right. 724 00:35:07,355 --> 00:35:09,190 Gentleman, that is fair. 725 00:35:10,066 --> 00:35:12,443 And ladies, to be fair to us, 726 00:35:13,444 --> 00:35:16,948 I also believe if you decide to have the baby, 727 00:35:18,032 --> 00:35:19,700 a man should not have to pay. 728 00:35:20,034 --> 00:35:21,410 [laughter] 729 00:35:21,494 --> 00:35:23,246 [whistling] 730 00:35:25,706 --> 00:35:26,706 That's fair. 731 00:35:27,250 --> 00:35:30,461 If you can kill this motherfucker, I can at least abandon 'em. 732 00:35:30,545 --> 00:35:32,130 [laughter] 733 00:35:33,548 --> 00:35:35,258 It's my money, my choice. 734 00:35:35,341 --> 00:35:36,759 [laughter] 735 00:35:40,930 --> 00:35:43,975 And if I'm wrong, then perhaps we're wrong. 736 00:35:44,517 --> 00:35:46,644 So, figure that shit out for yourselves. 737 00:35:46,727 --> 00:35:47,812 [laughter] 738 00:35:50,648 --> 00:35:52,191 [Dave laughs] 739 00:35:52,275 --> 00:35:54,277 [cheering] 740 00:35:56,279 --> 00:35:58,614 I mean, really, uh, what the fuck are we doing? 741 00:35:59,448 --> 00:36:02,076 I can't live in this new world you're proposing. 742 00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:04,566 And meanwhile, while we're worrying about this other shit, 743 00:36:04,620 --> 00:36:05,621 look at what's happening. 744 00:36:05,705 --> 00:36:09,083 They just killed another 12 people in a mass shooting in Virginia Beach. 745 00:36:09,167 --> 00:36:10,668 This shit's happening every week. 746 00:36:10,751 --> 00:36:13,462 It happens so much, I'm almost... I don't care anymore. 747 00:36:14,547 --> 00:36:16,257 I came home early from the road. 748 00:36:17,675 --> 00:36:20,720 I had a $12,000 suit on, 'cause life's been going good. 749 00:36:21,137 --> 00:36:22,763 [laughter] 750 00:36:23,431 --> 00:36:26,017 And I got home early, and dinner was cookin'. 751 00:36:26,100 --> 00:36:28,811 You ever come home when dinner's cookin'? Doesn't that smell good? 752 00:36:28,895 --> 00:36:32,648 And my son saw me, and he was like, "Dad's home." 753 00:36:32,732 --> 00:36:35,234 And he got up from the table and ran over to give me a hug, 754 00:36:35,318 --> 00:36:37,486 but he had chicken grease all over his face, 755 00:36:37,570 --> 00:36:40,406 so I stiffed on him, like, "Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, my man, my man. 756 00:36:40,489 --> 00:36:41,324 [laughter] 757 00:36:41,407 --> 00:36:43,576 Watch these threads, son. This is an expensive suit. 758 00:36:43,659 --> 00:36:46,287 I don't want you to get that chicken grease all over me." 759 00:36:46,370 --> 00:36:47,997 A-And he was like, "What the f... 760 00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:49,248 Chicken grease? 761 00:36:50,208 --> 00:36:51,626 Dad, this is duck." 762 00:36:52,084 --> 00:36:53,336 [laughter] 763 00:36:56,380 --> 00:36:57,380 Hmm. 764 00:36:57,506 --> 00:36:59,383 A tear came out of my eyes. 765 00:36:59,467 --> 00:37:00,384 [laughter] 766 00:37:00,468 --> 00:37:02,303 I never dreamt I'd do so well in life 767 00:37:02,386 --> 00:37:06,098 that I'd raise a nigga with duck grease all over his face. 768 00:37:06,182 --> 00:37:07,850 [laughter and applause] 769 00:37:09,143 --> 00:37:11,312 [cheering] 770 00:37:15,524 --> 00:37:17,735 And we sat down, we just talked about everything. 771 00:37:17,818 --> 00:37:20,363 I was telling my wife about how my shows were going, 772 00:37:20,446 --> 00:37:23,407 and I told her my trans jokes, and she was like, "Oh, I hate that joke." 773 00:37:23,491 --> 00:37:26,244 And you know why she hates the joke? 'Cause she's Asian. 774 00:37:27,995 --> 00:37:31,040 But you know what I mean? I don't make that face at the house, 775 00:37:31,123 --> 00:37:33,000 u-unless we're really fightin'. 776 00:37:33,084 --> 00:37:34,502 [laughter] 777 00:37:39,006 --> 00:37:40,675 [Dave laughs] 778 00:37:41,676 --> 00:37:44,071 And me and her, we weren't arguing, but you know what I mean? 779 00:37:44,095 --> 00:37:47,324 She's like, "You need to stop doing that." And then, I tried to change the subject. 780 00:37:47,348 --> 00:37:48,766 "Oh, how is school going, boys?" 781 00:37:48,849 --> 00:37:52,103 And my son's telling me, "Well, we didn't have school today, technically." 782 00:37:52,186 --> 00:37:53,626 I'm like, "What... What's going on?" 783 00:37:53,688 --> 00:37:56,440 He said, "Well there was, like, a school shooting drill." 784 00:37:56,524 --> 00:37:58,734 I never heard of this. You know what this is? 785 00:37:58,818 --> 00:38:01,654 They have drills that they make kids do, 786 00:38:01,737 --> 00:38:03,406 uh, where they practice what to do 787 00:38:03,489 --> 00:38:05,169 if somebody comes to shoot up their school. 788 00:38:05,199 --> 00:38:07,559 I'd never heard of that before. I was like, "What the fuck?" 789 00:38:08,411 --> 00:38:11,139 I had to tell my sons the truth. I didn't want to tell them this shit. 790 00:38:11,163 --> 00:38:12,163 "Son... 791 00:38:13,040 --> 00:38:14,500 Son, listen to me. 792 00:38:15,668 --> 00:38:16,794 Fuck that drill. 793 00:38:16,877 --> 00:38:18,671 [laughter] 794 00:38:18,754 --> 00:38:21,465 If somebody comes to your school and wants to shoot it up, 795 00:38:21,549 --> 00:38:23,259 I'm just gonna be honest with you. 796 00:38:25,177 --> 00:38:27,930 You probably gonna get shot, nigga. I'm just being real. 797 00:38:28,014 --> 00:38:29,265 [laughter] 798 00:38:29,807 --> 00:38:32,226 You got a famous dad. I talk a lot of shit. 799 00:38:32,476 --> 00:38:34,895 They gonna be gunning for you, little buddy. 800 00:38:34,979 --> 00:38:36,355 [laughter] 801 00:38:37,023 --> 00:38:39,859 Just stay low and run in a zigzag pattern, 802 00:38:39,942 --> 00:38:43,863 and don't try to save anybody, son. Do you understand me?" 803 00:38:44,363 --> 00:38:45,823 [laughter] 804 00:38:49,660 --> 00:38:53,164 Why would you have kids rehearse for some shit they have no control over? 805 00:38:53,247 --> 00:38:55,374 All you're doing is training these kids to worry. 806 00:38:55,458 --> 00:38:57,178 It's the stupidest drill I've ever heard of. 807 00:38:57,209 --> 00:39:00,546 And while you're in there training 'em during these drills, 808 00:39:02,214 --> 00:39:04,216 well, aren't you training the shooter, too? 809 00:39:04,300 --> 00:39:07,345 This nigga's in here listening and learning like the other kids. 810 00:39:07,428 --> 00:39:08,596 Sittin' in the back... 811 00:39:09,180 --> 00:39:10,556 [laughter] 812 00:39:10,639 --> 00:39:12,516 "So, where are we supposed to meet? 813 00:39:12,600 --> 00:39:14,185 [laughter] 814 00:39:14,268 --> 00:39:15,268 Okay." 815 00:39:15,811 --> 00:39:16,896 All right. 816 00:39:17,438 --> 00:39:19,148 [laughter] 817 00:39:24,487 --> 00:39:27,323 If you're a parent, this shit is terrifying. 818 00:39:27,615 --> 00:39:28,699 This shit is real scary. 819 00:39:28,783 --> 00:39:31,327 All the parents is looking at each other crazy, 820 00:39:31,911 --> 00:39:35,373 because we know, as parents, that one of us 821 00:39:35,456 --> 00:39:36,999 is raising the shooter. 822 00:39:37,083 --> 00:39:38,709 [laughter] 823 00:39:40,127 --> 00:39:42,463 We just don't know which one of us it is. 824 00:39:42,546 --> 00:39:43,964 [laughter] 825 00:39:44,048 --> 00:39:45,800 All we know for sure... 826 00:39:47,093 --> 00:39:50,179 is that if you're a white parent, the chances that it's you... 827 00:39:50,262 --> 00:39:51,262 [laughter] 828 00:39:51,305 --> 00:39:52,473 [applause] 829 00:39:53,891 --> 00:39:56,936 ...it's exponentially higher than the rest of us. 830 00:39:57,019 --> 00:39:58,437 [laughter] 831 00:39:59,021 --> 00:40:01,899 Shooting up school is a white kids' game. 832 00:40:01,982 --> 00:40:03,609 [laughter] 833 00:40:04,985 --> 00:40:07,196 It's fuckin' crazy. You know, I hated school, too. 834 00:40:07,279 --> 00:40:08,697 It never occurred to me... 835 00:40:09,824 --> 00:40:12,118 kill everybody in school? 836 00:40:12,201 --> 00:40:13,411 [laughter] 837 00:40:13,494 --> 00:40:14,870 It's fuckin' crazy. 838 00:40:14,954 --> 00:40:16,205 [laughter] 839 00:40:16,288 --> 00:40:18,416 Just do what I did, nigga. Try some things. 840 00:40:18,499 --> 00:40:20,709 "Have you skipped school, nigga? Skip school! 841 00:40:20,793 --> 00:40:22,253 [laughter] 842 00:40:22,336 --> 00:40:25,297 Take a walk and meet some other kids. Fuck school, nigga. 843 00:40:25,381 --> 00:40:26,381 [laughter] 844 00:40:26,799 --> 00:40:29,677 Try drugs. Have you tried drugs out? Nigga, that might..." 845 00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:30,928 [laughter] 846 00:40:33,764 --> 00:40:35,391 [Dave laughs] 847 00:40:37,184 --> 00:40:38,436 Some scary shit. 848 00:40:39,895 --> 00:40:41,522 I've given this a lot of thought. 849 00:40:41,605 --> 00:40:43,816 I don't see any peaceful way 850 00:40:44,316 --> 00:40:46,318 to disarm America's whites. 851 00:40:46,402 --> 00:40:48,112 [laughter] 852 00:40:51,991 --> 00:40:53,492 [applause] 853 00:40:53,576 --> 00:40:55,161 [cheering] 854 00:41:00,583 --> 00:41:03,794 There's only one thing that's going to save this country from itself. 855 00:41:04,128 --> 00:41:06,839 Same thing that always saves this country from itself, 856 00:41:07,339 --> 00:41:09,175 and that is African Americans. 857 00:41:09,508 --> 00:41:11,343 [cheering and applause] 858 00:41:12,303 --> 00:41:13,303 Right. 859 00:41:14,763 --> 00:41:18,017 And I know the question that a lot of y'all have in your minds is, 860 00:41:18,476 --> 00:41:19,518 "Should we do it?" 861 00:41:19,602 --> 00:41:21,020 [laughter] 862 00:41:22,730 --> 00:41:24,231 Yeah. Fuck yeah, we should do it. 863 00:41:24,315 --> 00:41:27,776 Listen, no matter what they say or how they make you feel, 864 00:41:27,860 --> 00:41:31,989 remember, this is your country, too. 865 00:41:32,615 --> 00:41:35,451 - It is incumbent upon us... - [cheering and applause] 866 00:41:36,035 --> 00:41:38,537 to save our country. 867 00:41:39,413 --> 00:41:41,332 And you know what we have to do. 868 00:41:41,415 --> 00:41:44,043 This is a fuckin' election year. We gotta be serious. 869 00:41:44,126 --> 00:41:46,879 Every able-bodied African American 870 00:41:46,962 --> 00:41:48,881 must register 871 00:41:48,964 --> 00:41:51,008 for a legal firearm. 872 00:41:51,091 --> 00:41:52,091 [laughter] 873 00:41:52,134 --> 00:41:53,719 [cheering and applause] 874 00:41:58,933 --> 00:42:00,351 [whistling] 875 00:42:03,729 --> 00:42:05,981 That's the only way they'll change the law. 876 00:42:06,065 --> 00:42:07,983 - [laughter] - [Dave laughs] 877 00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:11,362 [cheering and applause] 878 00:42:16,325 --> 00:42:18,077 I hate guns, personally. 879 00:42:19,119 --> 00:42:20,287 I can't stand 'em. 880 00:42:21,580 --> 00:42:23,040 Yeah, but I have several. 881 00:42:23,123 --> 00:42:24,792 [laughter] 882 00:42:26,460 --> 00:42:28,337 I don't want 'em, but I feel like I need 'em. 883 00:42:28,420 --> 00:42:31,048 Don't forget where I live. I live in Ohio. 884 00:42:31,131 --> 00:42:35,302 And anyone that knows anything about Ohio knows that even the word "Ohio" 885 00:42:35,386 --> 00:42:38,430 is an old Native American word. 886 00:42:38,681 --> 00:42:40,599 It means, literally, 887 00:42:41,100 --> 00:42:43,894 uh, "land of poor white people." 888 00:42:43,978 --> 00:42:45,980 [laughter] 889 00:42:49,984 --> 00:42:51,902 And I don't know what's going on down here, 890 00:42:51,986 --> 00:42:53,988 but in my experience, uh, 891 00:42:54,071 --> 00:42:55,864 poor white people love, 892 00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:59,159 and, I mean, they fucking love... 893 00:42:59,743 --> 00:43:00,744 heroin. 894 00:43:00,828 --> 00:43:02,329 [laughter] 895 00:43:03,789 --> 00:43:05,624 They can't seem to get enough of it. 896 00:43:06,166 --> 00:43:08,766 I didn't know what I was looking at at first. I was driving, like, 897 00:43:08,794 --> 00:43:11,380 "Why are all these white people so sleepy out here?" 898 00:43:11,463 --> 00:43:12,756 [laughter] 899 00:43:17,011 --> 00:43:18,429 It's really bad. 900 00:43:19,221 --> 00:43:21,265 Matter of fact, I was coming out of the nightclub 901 00:43:21,348 --> 00:43:24,351 the other night in Dayton, and I had parked my car in the alley, 902 00:43:24,435 --> 00:43:26,755 and no one was out. I didn't have no bodyguards or nothing. 903 00:43:26,812 --> 00:43:28,492 I was home. I figured everything was fine. 904 00:43:28,522 --> 00:43:30,774 And as soon as I open my car door, 905 00:43:31,066 --> 00:43:32,066 all by myself, 906 00:43:32,109 --> 00:43:33,027 suddenly, 907 00:43:33,110 --> 00:43:36,530 uh, one of these heroin-addicted whites just pops out of a trash can. 908 00:43:36,614 --> 00:43:38,254 It scared the shit out of me. I screamed. 909 00:43:38,324 --> 00:43:39,742 "Aah!" 910 00:43:39,825 --> 00:43:41,076 [laughter] 911 00:43:44,079 --> 00:43:46,373 And then, I realized it was a woman. She was fucked up. 912 00:43:46,457 --> 00:43:47,916 She was like... [coughing] 913 00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:49,335 "Hey, man. 914 00:43:49,668 --> 00:43:51,587 Hey, man. Relax, okay? 915 00:43:51,670 --> 00:43:52,588 [coughs, sniffs] 916 00:43:52,671 --> 00:43:54,006 I'm sick, all right? 917 00:43:54,089 --> 00:43:56,508 I need some drugs, man. 918 00:43:56,592 --> 00:44:01,805 Please? I'll suck your dick for five dollars, man." 919 00:44:01,889 --> 00:44:03,265 I was like, "Ick... 920 00:44:03,349 --> 00:44:04,933 [laughter] 921 00:44:05,017 --> 00:44:06,017 Two." 922 00:44:06,185 --> 00:44:08,604 [laughter and applause] 923 00:44:09,980 --> 00:44:11,607 [Dave laughs] 924 00:44:24,119 --> 00:44:25,496 Obviously, I'm joking. 925 00:44:25,579 --> 00:44:27,164 [laughter] 926 00:44:27,247 --> 00:44:29,875 This opioid crisis is a crisis. 927 00:44:29,958 --> 00:44:32,670 I see it everyday. It's as bad as they say. 928 00:44:33,671 --> 00:44:35,297 It's ruining lives, it's... 929 00:44:35,756 --> 00:44:37,091 destroying families. 930 00:44:37,174 --> 00:44:39,510 Sadly, you know what it reminds me of? Seeing it? 931 00:44:40,511 --> 00:44:42,096 Reminds me of us. 932 00:44:43,055 --> 00:44:47,643 These white folks look exactly like us during the crack epidemic. 933 00:44:48,852 --> 00:44:50,813 You know, it's really crazy to see. 934 00:44:50,896 --> 00:44:51,772 [applause] 935 00:44:51,855 --> 00:44:53,732 And all this shit they talk about on the news 936 00:44:53,816 --> 00:44:55,567 about how divided the nation is, 937 00:44:55,651 --> 00:44:57,361 I don't believe it. I feel like, nowadays, 938 00:44:57,444 --> 00:45:00,030 we're gettin' a real good look at each other. 939 00:45:01,740 --> 00:45:05,619 It's wild, because I even have insight into how the white community 940 00:45:05,703 --> 00:45:10,499 must've felt watching the black community go through the scourge of crack... 941 00:45:11,458 --> 00:45:12,960 because I don't care either. 942 00:45:13,043 --> 00:45:14,920 [laughter] 943 00:45:15,003 --> 00:45:16,880 [cheering] 944 00:45:17,464 --> 00:45:19,007 "Hang in there, Whites. 945 00:45:19,550 --> 00:45:20,884 [laughter] 946 00:45:20,968 --> 00:45:24,388 Just say no. What's so hard about that?" 947 00:45:24,471 --> 00:45:25,848 [laughter] 948 00:45:25,931 --> 00:45:27,975 [cheering and applause] 949 00:45:36,984 --> 00:45:39,695 Remember when y'all said that to us? But it's okay. 950 00:45:39,778 --> 00:45:42,156 There's no grudges. Now you finally got it right. 951 00:45:42,239 --> 00:45:45,534 Once it started happening to your kids, you realize it's a health crisis. 952 00:45:45,617 --> 00:45:46,910 These people are sick. 953 00:45:46,994 --> 00:45:48,412 They are not criminals. 954 00:45:48,495 --> 00:45:50,372 They are sick. 955 00:45:50,456 --> 00:45:51,540 [whistling] 956 00:45:51,623 --> 00:45:53,125 [cheering and applause] 957 00:45:56,336 --> 00:45:57,921 Be that as it may, 958 00:45:59,339 --> 00:46:00,674 I'm armed to the teeth. 959 00:46:00,758 --> 00:46:02,593 [laughter] 960 00:46:05,220 --> 00:46:07,890 First gun I bought was a 12-gauge shotgun. 961 00:46:09,349 --> 00:46:11,894 I didn't want the gun. Remember, though, I'd moved to a farm 962 00:46:11,977 --> 00:46:13,437 and I was sittin' on the porch, 963 00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:16,398 and I see a white dude walking across my property, 964 00:46:16,482 --> 00:46:18,192 entitled, like he's supposed to be there. 965 00:46:18,275 --> 00:46:20,611 He had a rifle over his shoulder, too. Ain't that a bitch? 966 00:46:21,236 --> 00:46:22,780 [laughter] 967 00:46:24,656 --> 00:46:27,910 I said, "What the fuck is this guy doing on my property?" 968 00:46:27,993 --> 00:46:29,369 I was mad as shit, 969 00:46:29,828 --> 00:46:31,789 but I was unarmed. 970 00:46:32,539 --> 00:46:35,584 So, I ended up just waving to this motherfucker like a bitch. 971 00:46:35,667 --> 00:46:36,667 I was just, like... 972 00:46:36,710 --> 00:46:38,462 [laughter] 973 00:46:44,676 --> 00:46:46,553 And as soon as he got far enough away, 974 00:46:46,637 --> 00:46:49,223 I ran to my car and sped to Kmart. 975 00:46:49,306 --> 00:46:51,308 [laughter] 976 00:46:51,934 --> 00:46:53,852 This is in a rural white area. 977 00:46:53,936 --> 00:46:57,064 And remember, I was nervous, 'cause the guy was on my property, 978 00:46:57,147 --> 00:46:59,191 I'm black, and I was sweating. 979 00:46:59,274 --> 00:47:01,860 You know what I mean? And I ran to the gun counter. 980 00:47:01,944 --> 00:47:03,111 Black and sweaty, 981 00:47:03,487 --> 00:47:04,738 sweating and black, 982 00:47:04,822 --> 00:47:06,907 and I looked up and I was like... [pants] 983 00:47:06,990 --> 00:47:08,742 I looked like a slave or something. 984 00:47:08,826 --> 00:47:10,410 [laughter] 985 00:47:11,495 --> 00:47:14,081 I said, "I need a gun. Immediately." Like that. 986 00:47:14,581 --> 00:47:15,581 Just like that. 987 00:47:16,124 --> 00:47:18,085 The guy didn't ask no questions, he just... 988 00:47:18,168 --> 00:47:20,671 grabbed a 12-gauge shotgun, handed it to me. 989 00:47:20,754 --> 00:47:23,423 I'd never even held a gun before. I'm like... 990 00:47:24,383 --> 00:47:26,510 "Well, I need... I need some bullets, too." 991 00:47:27,219 --> 00:47:30,848 And the guy reached under the counter, put two boxes of shells on the counter. 992 00:47:30,931 --> 00:47:33,433 He said, "All right, buddy. Which box do you want?" 993 00:47:33,892 --> 00:47:34,935 I didn't know. 994 00:47:35,769 --> 00:47:38,021 One box had a picture of some ducks on it. 995 00:47:39,314 --> 00:47:41,400 The other box had a picture of some deer. 996 00:47:42,317 --> 00:47:45,445 I said, "Well, what's that box with them ducks?" 997 00:47:46,864 --> 00:47:49,366 He said, "Oh, that there's bird shot." 998 00:47:50,200 --> 00:47:52,953 And then he goes just like this, I'm not exaggerating, he goes, 999 00:47:53,787 --> 00:47:55,038 "That won't kill a man." 1000 00:47:55,122 --> 00:47:56,832 [laughter] 1001 00:47:58,584 --> 00:47:59,626 [Dave laughs] 1002 00:48:03,088 --> 00:48:05,465 He said, "It'll just pepper him up nicely." 1003 00:48:05,549 --> 00:48:07,551 I said, "What the fuck? Pepper?" 1004 00:48:07,634 --> 00:48:09,094 [laughter] 1005 00:48:11,805 --> 00:48:14,349 You know what it means to pepper a motherfucker up? 1006 00:48:14,433 --> 00:48:17,269 It means that when the shell explodes, 1007 00:48:17,352 --> 00:48:20,647 hot BBs will shoot out of the barrel of the gun, 1008 00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:22,065 not killing a motherfucker, 1009 00:48:22,149 --> 00:48:24,902 but penetrating their skin and shallow flesh. 1010 00:48:24,985 --> 00:48:26,653 Boy, that's gotta hurt. 1011 00:48:26,737 --> 00:48:27,737 Hot BBs? 1012 00:48:27,779 --> 00:48:29,031 [imitates burning] 1013 00:48:29,114 --> 00:48:30,616 "Aah! Aaaah!" 1014 00:48:30,699 --> 00:48:32,117 [laughter] 1015 00:48:32,200 --> 00:48:34,953 Remember when Dick Cheney shot a motherfucker in the face 1016 00:48:35,037 --> 00:48:36,079 and he lived? 1017 00:48:36,163 --> 00:48:37,497 That was bird shot. 1018 00:48:37,581 --> 00:48:39,374 - [laughter] - [woman cheers] 1019 00:48:39,791 --> 00:48:42,044 I said, "Well, what's that box with the deer on it?" 1020 00:48:42,127 --> 00:48:44,421 He goes, "Oh, that there is buckshot. 1021 00:48:44,963 --> 00:48:47,925 That'll put a hole in a goddamn truck if you wanted to. 1022 00:48:48,008 --> 00:48:49,509 [laughter] 1023 00:48:50,302 --> 00:48:52,012 So, which box do you want?" 1024 00:48:52,095 --> 00:48:54,681 And he picked the one with the deer up and shook it. 1025 00:48:55,015 --> 00:48:56,600 [laughter] 1026 00:49:01,271 --> 00:49:04,775 I thought he was trying to trick me. I was like, "Do you have a box, uh, 1027 00:49:04,858 --> 00:49:08,070 with a picture of a white dude trespassing on it? 'Cause... 1028 00:49:08,153 --> 00:49:09,529 [laughter] 1029 00:49:09,613 --> 00:49:11,990 ...that's exactly the strength I'm looking for. 1030 00:49:12,074 --> 00:49:13,450 [laughter] 1031 00:49:15,786 --> 00:49:19,581 But I didn't know that if you're defending your home with a shotgun, 1032 00:49:19,665 --> 00:49:22,876 the formula dictates that you're supposed to buy both boxes. 1033 00:49:22,960 --> 00:49:25,295 This was not a formula that I was familiar with. 1034 00:49:25,379 --> 00:49:28,507 It goes like this: there's six shots in a 12-gauge shotgun. 1035 00:49:28,590 --> 00:49:30,842 So when you load the gun, you load it like this. 1036 00:49:30,926 --> 00:49:32,803 First shot, bird shot. 1037 00:49:32,886 --> 00:49:34,888 Next shot, buckshot. 1038 00:49:34,972 --> 00:49:38,141 Bird shot, and then after that, gun's Jamaican. 1039 00:49:38,225 --> 00:49:39,726 Buckshot, buckshot, buckshot. 1040 00:49:39,810 --> 00:49:40,811 [laughter] 1041 00:49:40,894 --> 00:49:42,604 - [applause] - [Dave chuckles] 1042 00:49:45,857 --> 00:49:48,902 But you gotta picture it. Okay, like, say I'm in bed and I'm sleepin', 1043 00:49:49,695 --> 00:49:51,238 and suddenly, my wife wakes me up. 1044 00:49:51,321 --> 00:49:53,281 "David. David, wake up!" 1045 00:49:53,699 --> 00:49:55,158 And I'm like, "Uh, oh. 1046 00:49:55,575 --> 00:49:56,868 Look who's come around." 1047 00:49:56,952 --> 00:50:00,205 And I pull my dick over the top of my pajamas. 1048 00:50:00,288 --> 00:50:01,999 [laughter] 1049 00:50:02,916 --> 00:50:04,251 [Dave laughs] 1050 00:50:07,921 --> 00:50:08,964 [Dave laughs] 1051 00:50:09,047 --> 00:50:11,800 And she's says, "No, I hear somethin'." 1052 00:50:11,883 --> 00:50:13,301 I go, "Oh, this bitch." 1053 00:50:13,385 --> 00:50:14,636 So I get up out of bed... 1054 00:50:14,720 --> 00:50:16,388 [laughter] 1055 00:50:16,471 --> 00:50:18,473 Uh, grab the gun. 1056 00:50:19,307 --> 00:50:21,107 I say, "Wait here, baby. I'll go check it out. 1057 00:50:21,184 --> 00:50:22,561 Just lock the door behind me." 1058 00:50:22,644 --> 00:50:23,937 [panting] 1059 00:50:24,563 --> 00:50:26,273 Oh, my God, she's right. 1060 00:50:26,732 --> 00:50:30,402 Right there in the kitchen is a heroin-addicted white and... 1061 00:50:30,485 --> 00:50:32,070 - [laughter] - [Dave laughs] 1062 00:50:32,988 --> 00:50:35,657 he's digging through the change jar by the door. 1063 00:50:35,741 --> 00:50:36,783 [grunting] 1064 00:50:36,867 --> 00:50:39,286 "I work really hard for that change. I gotta do something." 1065 00:50:39,369 --> 00:50:41,163 So, first, I rack the shotgun. 1066 00:50:41,246 --> 00:50:43,123 "Hey, motherfucker!" Click-clack. 1067 00:50:43,206 --> 00:50:44,666 [laughter] 1068 00:50:44,750 --> 00:50:45,834 That's a test. 1069 00:50:46,460 --> 00:50:49,087 That click-clack sound will stop 1070 00:50:49,421 --> 00:50:52,758 a rational human being in their tracks. 1071 00:50:53,341 --> 00:50:55,677 But, sure enough, this person is not rational. 1072 00:50:55,761 --> 00:50:58,096 They're sick on drugs. They're digging in the change. 1073 00:50:58,180 --> 00:50:59,180 [grunting] 1074 00:50:59,222 --> 00:51:01,975 I gotta act fast. This nigga's almost got $1.50. 1075 00:51:02,059 --> 00:51:03,727 [laughter] 1076 00:51:05,020 --> 00:51:06,146 [Dave chuckles] 1077 00:51:06,229 --> 00:51:07,564 "I warned you." 1078 00:51:07,647 --> 00:51:08,815 Bird shot! 1079 00:51:08,899 --> 00:51:10,150 And there it goes. 1080 00:51:10,233 --> 00:51:15,614 Hot BB's will permeate his yellow heroin skin. 1081 00:51:15,697 --> 00:51:19,159 Remember, I'm not killing him, I'm just "peppering him up nice." 1082 00:51:19,242 --> 00:51:20,952 [imitates burning] 1083 00:51:21,036 --> 00:51:23,205 He lets out a heroin scream. 1084 00:51:23,413 --> 00:51:25,415 [slowly] No! 1085 00:51:25,791 --> 00:51:27,209 [laughter] 1086 00:51:32,506 --> 00:51:34,007 And that should be the end of it. 1087 00:51:34,674 --> 00:51:35,842 But... Uh-oh. 1088 00:51:36,259 --> 00:51:37,427 I miscalculated. 1089 00:51:38,053 --> 00:51:39,453 While he's on the ground screaming, 1090 00:51:39,513 --> 00:51:42,849 I notice that his teeth are horribly miscolored. 1091 00:51:43,725 --> 00:51:45,435 That's not heroin at all, is it? 1092 00:51:45,519 --> 00:51:46,728 That's crystal meth. 1093 00:51:46,812 --> 00:51:48,855 He pops right back up, unscathed. 1094 00:51:48,939 --> 00:51:50,190 [roars] 1095 00:51:50,273 --> 00:51:51,566 [laughter] 1096 00:51:52,109 --> 00:51:53,902 [Dave laughs] 1097 00:51:54,736 --> 00:51:55,862 Time for the heavy stuff. 1098 00:51:55,946 --> 00:51:56,946 Clack-clack. 1099 00:51:56,988 --> 00:51:58,323 Buckshot! 1100 00:51:58,406 --> 00:51:59,699 [laughter] 1101 00:52:00,826 --> 00:52:04,329 And then, if he got a friend with him, I got one more bird shot left. 1102 00:52:04,579 --> 00:52:05,872 And I repeat the cycle. 1103 00:52:05,956 --> 00:52:08,416 After that nigga, it's slugs for everybody. 1104 00:52:08,500 --> 00:52:09,668 [laughter] 1105 00:52:10,043 --> 00:52:12,754 And I'll be in a kitchen full of dying heroin addicts, 1106 00:52:13,338 --> 00:52:15,423 saying stupid heroin last words. 1107 00:52:15,507 --> 00:52:17,634 [groaning and whining] 1108 00:52:17,717 --> 00:52:20,095 "You shot me, bro." 1109 00:52:20,178 --> 00:52:21,096 - [laughter] - [chuckles] 1110 00:52:21,179 --> 00:52:24,141 "Oh, it hurts, man. 1111 00:52:24,432 --> 00:52:25,934 It hurts. Ah." 1112 00:52:26,017 --> 00:52:29,146 Their last words are always the dumbest words, like... [grunts] 1113 00:52:29,521 --> 00:52:30,730 "Why is your dick out?" 1114 00:52:30,814 --> 00:52:31,648 [exhales] 1115 00:52:31,731 --> 00:52:33,024 [laughter] 1116 00:52:34,985 --> 00:52:36,945 [cheering and applause] 1117 00:52:38,155 --> 00:52:39,614 [whistling] 1118 00:52:45,412 --> 00:52:48,331 I'm just afraid of being attacked. 1119 00:52:49,249 --> 00:52:50,417 It happens to the best of us. 1120 00:52:50,500 --> 00:52:52,836 Don't ever forget what happened to that French actor. 1121 00:52:54,921 --> 00:52:56,214 You know who I'm talking about. 1122 00:52:56,298 --> 00:52:59,059 [pronounces with French accent] Jussie Smollett, he's a very French... 1123 00:52:59,134 --> 00:53:00,886 A very famous French actor. 1124 00:53:00,969 --> 00:53:02,429 [laughter] 1125 00:53:09,603 --> 00:53:11,521 Y'all never heard of Jussie Smollett? 1126 00:53:11,605 --> 00:53:13,190 [laughter] 1127 00:53:14,316 --> 00:53:17,360 Jussie Smollett is an actor from France. 1128 00:53:17,444 --> 00:53:18,904 [laughter] 1129 00:53:20,989 --> 00:53:21,989 [Dave chuckles] 1130 00:53:24,159 --> 00:53:25,076 [woman cheers] 1131 00:53:25,160 --> 00:53:29,998 A-And he became famous on a show called Empire. 1132 00:53:30,081 --> 00:53:31,499 [laughter] 1133 00:53:33,585 --> 00:53:34,585 And one night, 1134 00:53:35,295 --> 00:53:37,214 he was in Chicago late at night, 1135 00:53:38,340 --> 00:53:39,716 and was the victim... 1136 00:53:40,425 --> 00:53:42,052 - [Dave laughs] - [laughter] 1137 00:53:42,552 --> 00:53:44,137 [laughter and applause] 1138 00:53:49,351 --> 00:53:53,730 He was the victim of a racist and homophobic attack. 1139 00:53:53,813 --> 00:53:56,358 You see, Jussie Smollett is... 1140 00:53:56,441 --> 00:53:57,817 [laughter] 1141 00:53:58,443 --> 00:54:00,654 gay, and he is black, 1142 00:54:00,737 --> 00:54:01,947 not just French. 1143 00:54:02,280 --> 00:54:03,782 [laughter] 1144 00:54:08,328 --> 00:54:09,913 Oh, it was a crazy story. 1145 00:54:10,789 --> 00:54:13,959 Apparently, when he's walking down the street late at night, 1146 00:54:14,042 --> 00:54:16,169 two white men came out of the shadows, 1147 00:54:16,253 --> 00:54:17,462 uh... 1148 00:54:17,545 --> 00:54:19,547 with MAGA hats on and beat him up. 1149 00:54:20,674 --> 00:54:23,969 Tied a rope around his neck, called him all kinds of niggas and... 1150 00:54:24,052 --> 00:54:25,052 and... 1151 00:54:25,262 --> 00:54:27,722 put some bleach on him and ran off into the night. 1152 00:54:27,806 --> 00:54:28,974 [laughter] 1153 00:54:29,766 --> 00:54:32,769 This shit was, like, international news. 1154 00:54:33,103 --> 00:54:35,230 And everybody was furious, 1155 00:54:35,313 --> 00:54:36,690 especially in Hollywood. 1156 00:54:36,773 --> 00:54:39,442 It's all over everybody's Twitter feed and Instagram page. 1157 00:54:39,526 --> 00:54:41,486 "Justice for Jussie" and all this shit. 1158 00:54:41,569 --> 00:54:42,946 [laughter] 1159 00:54:46,074 --> 00:54:47,450 The whole country was up in arms. 1160 00:54:47,534 --> 00:54:49,454 We was talking about it all the time on the news, 1161 00:54:49,536 --> 00:54:51,246 and... and, for some reason, 1162 00:54:51,746 --> 00:54:55,750 uh, African Americans, we were like oddly quiet. 1163 00:54:55,834 --> 00:54:57,711 [laughter] 1164 00:54:59,504 --> 00:55:01,464 We were so quiet about this shit 1165 00:55:02,257 --> 00:55:05,885 that the gay community started accusing the African American community 1166 00:55:05,969 --> 00:55:08,888 of being homophobic for not supporting him. 1167 00:55:08,972 --> 00:55:13,143 But what they didn't understand is that we were supporting him 1168 00:55:13,226 --> 00:55:14,894 with our silence. 1169 00:55:14,978 --> 00:55:16,396 [laughter] 1170 00:55:16,479 --> 00:55:18,773 Because we understood 1171 00:55:19,149 --> 00:55:22,694 that this nigga was clearly lying. 1172 00:55:22,777 --> 00:55:23,611 [laughter] 1173 00:55:23,695 --> 00:55:25,113 [cheering and applause] 1174 00:55:30,493 --> 00:55:34,039 None of these details added up at all. 1175 00:55:34,122 --> 00:55:35,123 [laughter] 1176 00:55:35,206 --> 00:55:37,292 He said he's walking down the street in Chicago 1177 00:55:37,375 --> 00:55:40,545 and-and, uh, white dudes come up to him and say, 1178 00:55:40,628 --> 00:55:43,965 "Hey, man, aren't you that faggot nigger from Empire?" 1179 00:55:44,215 --> 00:55:45,342 What the fuck? 1180 00:55:45,717 --> 00:55:48,261 Does that sound like how white people talk? 1181 00:55:48,345 --> 00:55:49,888 [laughter] 1182 00:55:49,971 --> 00:55:52,015 I know white people. They don't talk like that. 1183 00:55:52,098 --> 00:55:55,185 "Are you that faggot nigger from Empire?" They would never say that. 1184 00:55:55,268 --> 00:55:57,062 It sounds like something... 1185 00:55:58,063 --> 00:55:59,314 that I would say. 1186 00:55:59,397 --> 00:56:00,774 [laughter] 1187 00:56:04,486 --> 00:56:05,486 [Dave chuckles] 1188 00:56:08,406 --> 00:56:10,325 If you're racist and homophobic, 1189 00:56:10,408 --> 00:56:13,536 you don't even know who this nigga is. You can't watch Empire. 1190 00:56:13,620 --> 00:56:15,288 [laughter] 1191 00:56:19,459 --> 00:56:21,219 Black people never feel sorry for the police, 1192 00:56:21,252 --> 00:56:23,172 but this time, we even felt sorry for the police. 1193 00:56:23,213 --> 00:56:25,799 Can you imagine if you was a police veteran 1194 00:56:25,882 --> 00:56:27,384 taking this kid's police report? 1195 00:56:27,467 --> 00:56:30,053 "Okay, Mr. Smollett. Please, tell me what happened." 1196 00:56:30,136 --> 00:56:31,137 [laughter] 1197 00:56:31,221 --> 00:56:33,973 "All right, you... 2:00 a.m. 1198 00:56:34,307 --> 00:56:37,394 You left the house at 2:00 a.m. It was minus 16 degrees and... 1199 00:56:37,477 --> 00:56:39,062 - [laughter] - All right. 1200 00:56:41,106 --> 00:56:44,192 You were walking? You were walking. All right. 1201 00:56:44,275 --> 00:56:45,944 [laughter] 1202 00:56:48,029 --> 00:56:50,031 And... and where were you going? 1203 00:56:51,074 --> 00:56:51,908 Subway? 1204 00:56:51,991 --> 00:56:52,909 [laughter] 1205 00:56:52,992 --> 00:56:54,202 Sandwiches? 1206 00:56:54,285 --> 00:56:55,745 [laughter] 1207 00:56:58,873 --> 00:57:01,501 [mumbling] 1208 00:57:04,337 --> 00:57:05,922 That's when the men approached you? 1209 00:57:06,005 --> 00:57:07,590 Did you see them? Do you have any... 1210 00:57:07,674 --> 00:57:09,134 Okay, what did they have on? 1211 00:57:09,467 --> 00:57:10,718 MAGA hats? 1212 00:57:10,802 --> 00:57:11,802 [laughter] 1213 00:57:11,845 --> 00:57:13,805 MAGA hats on in Chicago? 1214 00:57:14,639 --> 00:57:16,099 Excuse me, one second, Mr. Smollett. 1215 00:57:16,182 --> 00:57:17,684 Frank, come here for a second. 1216 00:57:17,767 --> 00:57:19,144 [laughter] 1217 00:57:21,855 --> 00:57:23,982 Find out where Kanye West was last night." 1218 00:57:24,065 --> 00:57:25,400 [laughter] 1219 00:57:26,276 --> 00:57:27,652 [cheering and applause] 1220 00:57:28,445 --> 00:57:30,113 [Dave laughs] 1221 00:57:37,454 --> 00:57:39,914 Such a fucking outrageous story. 1222 00:57:39,998 --> 00:57:43,001 He said they put a rope around his neck. 1223 00:57:43,084 --> 00:57:45,003 Has anyone here ever been to Chicago? 1224 00:57:45,086 --> 00:57:46,086 [woman] Yes! 1225 00:57:46,337 --> 00:57:48,631 All right. All right, so you've been there. 1226 00:57:48,715 --> 00:57:52,010 Now, tell me, how much rope do you remember seeing? 1227 00:57:52,093 --> 00:57:53,720 [laughter] 1228 00:57:53,803 --> 00:57:55,180 Who the fuck is carrying rope? 1229 00:57:55,263 --> 00:57:57,974 Like, when did you get mugged, nigga, in 1850? 1230 00:57:58,057 --> 00:57:59,809 - Who's got rope? - [laughter] 1231 00:57:59,893 --> 00:58:01,269 Who's got rope? 1232 00:58:01,352 --> 00:58:02,687 [laughter] 1233 00:58:06,065 --> 00:58:07,358 Man, that shit was awful. 1234 00:58:07,442 --> 00:58:08,860 So, okay. 1235 00:58:09,277 --> 00:58:12,071 I'm doing a show somewhere, and I'm on stage, 1236 00:58:12,155 --> 00:58:14,282 and I was a little drunk, you know. 1237 00:58:14,365 --> 00:58:15,950 [laughter] 1238 00:58:16,034 --> 00:58:18,495 I figured, "Fuck, let me talk about that nigga a little bit." 1239 00:58:18,578 --> 00:58:22,081 I figured it'd be safe, 'cause, you know, everybody's phones are locked up... 1240 00:58:22,165 --> 00:58:23,666 [laughter] 1241 00:58:24,876 --> 00:58:27,462 And I went in on this kid. I was talking all kinds of shit. 1242 00:58:27,545 --> 00:58:29,005 Now, I didn't know 1243 00:58:29,297 --> 00:58:32,175 that there was a journalist in the audience. 1244 00:58:32,675 --> 00:58:34,344 And unfortunately for me, 1245 00:58:34,761 --> 00:58:35,929 that motherfucker... 1246 00:58:37,013 --> 00:58:38,973 took impeccable notes. 1247 00:58:39,057 --> 00:58:40,558 [laughter] 1248 00:58:40,642 --> 00:58:42,060 [Dave laughs] 1249 00:58:43,311 --> 00:58:45,063 He told everybody everything I said. 1250 00:58:45,146 --> 00:58:46,946 He was even puttin' the jokes in the headline. 1251 00:58:47,023 --> 00:58:49,734 The headline said, "Dave Chappelle Says 1252 00:58:49,817 --> 00:58:53,988 He Wants To Smash A Dollhouse Over Jussie Smollett's Head." 1253 00:58:54,072 --> 00:58:55,782 [laughter] 1254 00:59:04,082 --> 00:59:06,209 I thought for sure when I read that headline, I said, 1255 00:59:06,292 --> 00:59:08,461 "Well, that's it for me. I'm canceled." 1256 00:59:08,545 --> 00:59:09,587 [laughter] 1257 00:59:10,630 --> 00:59:11,798 But lucky for me, 1258 00:59:11,881 --> 00:59:13,550 that very same day, 1259 00:59:13,633 --> 00:59:17,303 the Chicago police caught the motherfuckers that actually did it, 1260 00:59:17,679 --> 00:59:22,141 and, hilariously, they were both, uh, Nigerian. 1261 00:59:22,225 --> 00:59:23,309 [cheering] 1262 00:59:23,393 --> 00:59:26,521 Not only were they not white, they were very, very black. 1263 00:59:26,604 --> 00:59:29,148 They were Nigerian, which is the funniest shit. 1264 00:59:29,232 --> 00:59:31,276 The whole story is funnier now. 1265 00:59:31,359 --> 00:59:32,944 [Nigerian accent] "This is MAGA country, 1266 00:59:33,027 --> 00:59:35,363 you faggot nigger." 1267 00:59:35,446 --> 00:59:36,948 - [laughter] - [Dave laughs] 1268 00:59:38,491 --> 00:59:40,702 "You faggot nigger." 1269 00:59:40,785 --> 00:59:42,495 [laughter] 1270 00:59:47,125 --> 00:59:50,169 If... If you're in a group that I made fun of, 1271 00:59:50,253 --> 00:59:53,214 then just know that I probably will only make fun of you 1272 00:59:53,298 --> 00:59:55,008 if I see myself in you. 1273 00:59:55,091 --> 00:59:56,968 I make fun of poor white people 1274 00:59:57,051 --> 00:59:59,470 because I was once poor. 1275 01:00:00,638 --> 01:00:02,432 And I know that the only difference 1276 01:00:02,515 --> 01:00:05,476 between a poor black person and a poor white person 1277 01:00:05,560 --> 01:00:07,145 is that a poor white person 1278 01:00:07,228 --> 01:00:10,315 feels like it's not supposed to be happening to them. 1279 01:00:10,398 --> 01:00:12,233 [laughter] 1280 01:00:14,444 --> 01:00:15,695 [man] Yeah! 1281 01:00:16,863 --> 01:00:18,531 Everything else is the same. 1282 01:00:19,616 --> 01:00:21,534 I know what it's like to have a cold house. 1283 01:00:21,618 --> 01:00:25,496 I wasn't allowed to touch the thermostat growing up without asking my father, 1284 01:00:25,580 --> 01:00:27,415 and it would be fuckin' freezing in the house. 1285 01:00:27,498 --> 01:00:30,501 I'd be like, "Dad, please. Can I please just turn the heat up 1286 01:00:30,585 --> 01:00:33,630 to, like, I don't know, 32, nigga? It's really cold." 1287 01:00:33,713 --> 01:00:34,964 [laughter] 1288 01:00:38,343 --> 01:00:41,429 And my dad would say, "Just put more clothes on, David." 1289 01:00:42,263 --> 01:00:44,057 "I got all three of my outfits on, nigga. 1290 01:00:44,140 --> 01:00:46,267 Will you look at me? I'm freezing up here." 1291 01:00:46,351 --> 01:00:47,685 [laughter] 1292 01:00:47,769 --> 01:00:50,647 And he said, "Just don't think about how cold you are, David." 1293 01:00:50,730 --> 01:00:53,066 And I said this. I didn't say it to him, 1294 01:00:53,149 --> 01:00:55,318 but I said it in front of him so he could hear. 1295 01:00:55,401 --> 01:00:58,154 I said, "I fuckin' hate being poor." 1296 01:00:59,197 --> 01:01:01,199 And my dad got really upset. 1297 01:01:01,449 --> 01:01:03,576 He didn't scream or howl. That wasn't his way. 1298 01:01:03,660 --> 01:01:07,413 He just threw his newspaper on the floor, and he said, "David, David, David. 1299 01:01:08,414 --> 01:01:10,708 You are not poor." 1300 01:01:11,501 --> 01:01:15,046 He said, "Poor is a mentality." 1301 01:01:15,129 --> 01:01:16,214 [woman cheers] 1302 01:01:16,297 --> 01:01:17,924 [cheering and applause] 1303 01:01:18,007 --> 01:01:23,346 He said, "It's a mentality that very few people ever recover from. 1304 01:01:23,429 --> 01:01:25,098 Don't you forget it, son. 1305 01:01:25,390 --> 01:01:27,558 You are broke." 1306 01:01:27,642 --> 01:01:29,560 [laughter] 1307 01:01:34,524 --> 01:01:37,276 He said, "These are just financial circumstances 1308 01:01:37,360 --> 01:01:40,071 that I hope to overcome one day very soon." 1309 01:01:40,154 --> 01:01:42,615 And I said, "Well, Dad, whatever you want to call this, 1310 01:01:42,699 --> 01:01:44,784 uh, it's wildly uncomfortable." 1311 01:01:44,867 --> 01:01:46,577 [laughter] 1312 01:01:48,705 --> 01:01:50,766 There was a big dance coming up in the middle school. 1313 01:01:50,790 --> 01:01:53,126 I was 12 years old. I said, "Dad, can I go to the dance?" 1314 01:01:53,209 --> 01:01:54,449 He said, "Of course you can go. 1315 01:01:54,502 --> 01:01:56,342 I want you to get out and meet some more kids." 1316 01:01:56,379 --> 01:01:59,507 I said, "Great. Uh, it costs three dollars to get in." 1317 01:01:59,590 --> 01:02:01,509 And my dad said, "Ooh... 1318 01:02:01,592 --> 01:02:02,844 [laughter] 1319 01:02:03,636 --> 01:02:05,388 Sorry, son, uh... 1320 01:02:06,055 --> 01:02:07,056 I don't have it." 1321 01:02:07,515 --> 01:02:12,186 I was like, "What the fuck? You don't have three dollars? 1322 01:02:13,187 --> 01:02:15,106 Well, then, how are we alive, Dad? 1323 01:02:15,189 --> 01:02:16,774 [laughter] 1324 01:02:20,236 --> 01:02:22,613 Wish I found some way out of this hell! 1325 01:02:23,030 --> 01:02:24,490 I'd do anything to not be poor. 1326 01:02:24,574 --> 01:02:27,869 I will show Michael Jackson my anus if I get a chance. 1327 01:02:27,952 --> 01:02:28,953 [laughter] 1328 01:02:29,036 --> 01:02:30,872 I just gotta get out of this hell." 1329 01:02:30,955 --> 01:02:32,206 [laughter] 1330 01:02:35,251 --> 01:02:38,421 Dad said, "If you want to go to the dance bad enough, I'll tell you what. 1331 01:02:38,504 --> 01:02:41,591 There's some money in the change jar, get the money from there." 1332 01:02:41,674 --> 01:02:43,217 I was 12 years old. That's what I did. 1333 01:02:43,301 --> 01:02:44,677 I showed up to the dance early. 1334 01:02:44,761 --> 01:02:46,721 There's a long line of kids waiting behind me 1335 01:02:46,804 --> 01:02:50,308 while I'm at the door, trying to count out 300 pennies to get inside. 1336 01:02:50,683 --> 01:02:54,479 I will never forget this shit as long as I fuckin' live. 1337 01:02:54,562 --> 01:02:57,398 Oh, man, you know. If you've been poor, you know what that feels like. 1338 01:02:57,482 --> 01:02:58,775 You ashamed all the time. 1339 01:02:58,858 --> 01:03:00,151 Feels like it's your fault. 1340 01:03:00,234 --> 01:03:02,403 And all them kids was laughing, "Ha, ha, ha, 1341 01:03:02,487 --> 01:03:03,807 look how poor Dave Chappelle is." 1342 01:03:03,863 --> 01:03:04,863 Oh. 1343 01:03:05,239 --> 01:03:06,449 Like, when I think back at it, 1344 01:03:06,532 --> 01:03:10,328 that was really the only time in my life that I ever thought to myself, 1345 01:03:11,245 --> 01:03:13,790 "I should kill everybody at school." 1346 01:03:13,873 --> 01:03:15,249 [laughter] 1347 01:03:17,752 --> 01:03:20,171 [cheering and applause] 1348 01:03:20,254 --> 01:03:21,964 Thank you very much, everybody, 1349 01:03:22,048 --> 01:03:23,048 and good night. 1350 01:03:23,090 --> 01:03:24,550 [cheering and applause] 1351 01:03:24,634 --> 01:03:26,219 ["DNA" by Kendrick Lamar plays] 1352 01:03:26,302 --> 01:03:28,471 ♪ Got loyalty, got royalty Inside my DNA ♪ 1353 01:03:28,554 --> 01:03:31,682 ♪ Got loyalty, got royalty Inside my DNA ♪ 1354 01:03:31,766 --> 01:03:35,394 ♪ I got loyalty, got royalty Inside my DNA ♪ 1355 01:03:35,478 --> 01:03:37,688 ♪ I got... This is my heritage, all I'm inheritin' ♪ 1356 01:03:37,772 --> 01:03:39,982 ♪ Money and power The makin' of marriages ♪ 1357 01:03:40,066 --> 01:03:41,066 ♪ Tell me somethin' ♪ 1358 01:03:41,108 --> 01:03:42,860 ♪ You motherfuckers Can't tell me nothin' ♪ 1359 01:03:42,944 --> 01:03:44,737 ♪ I'd rather die than to listen to you ♪ 1360 01:03:44,821 --> 01:03:46,489 ♪ My DNA not for imitation ♪ 1361 01:03:46,572 --> 01:03:49,700 ♪ Your DNA an abomination This how it is when you're in the Matrix ♪ 1362 01:03:49,784 --> 01:03:51,424 ♪ Dodgin' bullets, reapin' what you sow ♪ 1363 01:03:51,452 --> 01:03:54,012 ♪ Stackin' up the footage Livin' on the go, sleepin' in a villa ♪ 1364 01:03:54,038 --> 01:03:56,040 ♪ Sippin' from a Grammy Walkin' in the buildin' ♪ 1365 01:03:56,123 --> 01:03:57,683 ♪ Diamond in the ceilin' Marble floors ♪ 1366 01:03:57,708 --> 01:03:59,668 ♪ Beach inside the window Peekin' out the window ♪ 1367 01:03:59,710 --> 01:04:02,296 ♪ Baby in the pool, Godfather goals Only Lord knows ♪ 1368 01:04:02,380 --> 01:04:04,100 ♪ I've been goin' hammer Dodgin' paparazzi ♪ 1369 01:04:04,131 --> 01:04:05,411 ♪ Freakin' through the cameras ♪ 1370 01:04:05,466 --> 01:04:07,306 ♪ Eat at Four Daughters Brock wearin' sandals ♪ 1371 01:04:07,343 --> 01:04:09,011 ♪ Yoga on a Monday Stretchin' to Nirvana ♪ 1372 01:04:09,095 --> 01:04:11,015 ♪ Watchin' all the snakes Curvin' all the fakes ♪ 1373 01:04:11,055 --> 01:04:14,141 ♪ Phone never on, I don't conversate I don't compromise, I just penetrate ♪ 1374 01:04:14,225 --> 01:04:18,271 ♪ Sex, money, murder, these are the breaks These are the times, level number nine ♪ 1375 01:04:18,354 --> 01:04:21,542 ♪ Look up in the sky, ten is on the way Sentence on the way, killings on the way ♪ 1376 01:04:21,566 --> 01:04:23,442 ♪ Motherfucker, I got winners on the way ♪ 1377 01:04:23,526 --> 01:04:25,326 ♪ You ain't shit Without a body on your belt ♪ 1378 01:04:25,361 --> 01:04:27,281 ♪ You ain't shit Without a ticket on your plate ♪ 1379 01:04:27,363 --> 01:04:29,243 ♪ You ain't sick enough To pull it on yourself ♪ 1380 01:04:29,282 --> 01:04:31,242 ♪ You ain't rich enough To hit the lot and skate ♪ 1381 01:04:31,284 --> 01:04:33,077 ♪ Tell me when destruction Gonna be my fate ♪ 1382 01:04:33,160 --> 01:04:34,829 ♪ Gonna be your fate Gonna be our faith ♪ 1383 01:04:34,912 --> 01:04:36,622 ♪ Peace to the world, let it rotate ♪ 1384 01:04:36,706 --> 01:04:38,416 ♪ Sex, money, murder, our DNA ♪ 1385 01:04:38,499 --> 01:04:40,501 ["1999" plays] 1386 01:04:54,682 --> 01:04:55,808 ♪ Mommy ♪ 1387 01:04:57,685 --> 01:04:59,437 ♪ Why does everybody have a bomb? ♪ 1388 01:05:02,773 --> 01:05:03,941 ♪ Mommy ♪ 1389 01:05:05,818 --> 01:05:07,570 ♪ Why does everybody have a bomb? ♪ 1390 01:05:11,407 --> 01:05:12,408 [man] By the way... 1391 01:05:12,950 --> 01:05:14,702 Vanglorious! 1392 01:05:14,785 --> 01:05:16,621 This is protected 1393 01:05:16,704 --> 01:05:20,625 by the red, the black, and the green, 1394 01:05:20,791 --> 01:05:22,460 at the crossroad, 1395 01:05:22,543 --> 01:05:23,961 with a key, 1396 01:05:24,045 --> 01:05:26,047 sissy!