0 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:15,000 1 00:00:06,005 --> 00:00:07,338 ["Pale Blue Eyes" plays] 2 00:00:13,296 --> 00:00:16,005 ♪ Sometimes I feel so happy ♪ 3 00:00:19,463 --> 00:00:21,588 ♪ Sometimes I feel so sad ♪ 4 00:00:25,005 --> 00:00:27,296 ♪ Sometimes I feel so happy ♪ 5 00:00:29,088 --> 00:00:32,838 ♪ But mostly you just make me mad ♪ 6 00:00:35,296 --> 00:00:38,796 ♪ Baby, you just make me mad ♪ 7 00:00:42,838 --> 00:00:47,255 ♪ Linger on ♪ 8 00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:50,880 ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ 9 00:00:54,505 --> 00:00:56,171 ♪ Linger on ♪ 10 00:00:56,255 --> 00:00:58,088 [crowd cheering] 11 00:00:58,171 --> 00:01:00,046 Aziz Ansari's Right Now! 12 00:01:00,755 --> 00:01:03,838 Aziz Ansari! 13 00:01:03,921 --> 00:01:05,338 [cheering and applause] 14 00:01:08,713 --> 00:01:11,171 ♪ Thought of you as my mountaintop ♪ 15 00:01:14,546 --> 00:01:16,713 ♪ Thought of you as my peak ♪ 16 00:01:16,796 --> 00:01:18,630 [cheering and applause continues] 17 00:01:20,505 --> 00:01:22,963 Thought of you as everything 18 00:01:25,255 --> 00:01:28,005 I've had but couldn't keep 19 00:01:31,046 --> 00:01:33,880 I've had but couldn't keep 20 00:01:33,963 --> 00:01:37,171 Thank you. Thank you very much! 21 00:01:37,588 --> 00:01:38,963 Thank you. Thanks. 22 00:01:39,046 --> 00:01:40,630 [cheering and applause] 23 00:01:40,713 --> 00:01:43,463 I appreciate that. Thank you so much. 24 00:01:43,796 --> 00:01:45,838 Take a seat. Take a seat. 25 00:01:46,255 --> 00:01:47,171 Thanks so much. 26 00:01:47,255 --> 00:01:49,380 Wow. What a nice welcome. 27 00:01:49,463 --> 00:01:51,421 -[cheering] -Wow, wow, wow. 28 00:01:52,380 --> 00:01:54,546 Very excit-- By the way, this guy's with me. 29 00:01:54,630 --> 00:01:56,046 He's, uh... he's authorized. 30 00:01:56,130 --> 00:01:59,130 He's not, like, a very audacious bootlegger 31 00:01:59,213 --> 00:02:00,588 who really doesn't give a fuck. 32 00:02:00,671 --> 00:02:02,005 [laughs] 33 00:02:02,088 --> 00:02:05,088 "You said no phones, but what about full-on cameras?" 34 00:02:05,171 --> 00:02:06,588 [laughter] 35 00:02:08,338 --> 00:02:09,296 Uh... 36 00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:11,088 Yeah, we're filming these shows, 37 00:02:11,171 --> 00:02:14,505 so, you know, you might be in the show, uh, when it's on, 38 00:02:14,796 --> 00:02:15,796 whatever I put it on. 39 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,796 You'll be like, "Oh, shit. I was there!" 40 00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:19,046 [laughter] 41 00:02:19,130 --> 00:02:20,338 But we're filming a few shows, 42 00:02:20,421 --> 00:02:23,380 so if you're, like, the shitty crowd, we won't use any of the footage. 43 00:02:23,463 --> 00:02:24,588 [laughter] 44 00:02:25,671 --> 00:02:26,630 Um... 45 00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:29,546 I'm psyched to be here. I-I've been on the road for a while. 46 00:02:29,630 --> 00:02:32,338 Um, I just got back to New York, uh, my home, 47 00:02:32,421 --> 00:02:33,713 uh, a few days ago, 48 00:02:33,796 --> 00:02:35,671 -and, uh, yeah. -[cheering and applause] 49 00:02:35,755 --> 00:02:36,588 [clears throat] 50 00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:38,838 I, uh... 51 00:02:39,671 --> 00:02:41,546 I was walking around the other day, 52 00:02:41,630 --> 00:02:44,546 and this guy, uh, came up to me on the street, 53 00:02:44,630 --> 00:02:45,880 and he was like, uh, 54 00:02:45,963 --> 00:02:49,838 "Hey, man. Love the Netflix show!" And I was like, "Oh, thanks so much." 55 00:02:49,921 --> 00:02:53,213 He was like, "Yeah, yeah, I really liked the episode you did on Supreme!" 56 00:02:53,505 --> 00:02:54,421 I was like, "What? 57 00:02:54,505 --> 00:02:55,546 [laughter] 58 00:02:55,630 --> 00:02:57,630 I didn't do no episode on Supreme." 59 00:02:57,921 --> 00:03:01,505 And then I quickly realized he's talking about Hasan Minhaj. 60 00:03:01,588 --> 00:03:03,671 -[laughter] -Patriot Act. 61 00:03:04,171 --> 00:03:05,546 Different show. 62 00:03:05,630 --> 00:03:07,005 Different guy. 63 00:03:07,088 --> 00:03:08,171 [laughter] 64 00:03:08,630 --> 00:03:10,713 And he felt horrible, right? 65 00:03:10,796 --> 00:03:13,463 He immediately realized his mistake, and he was trying to buy it back. 66 00:03:13,546 --> 00:03:15,171 He was like, "Oh, no, no, Aziz, right?" 67 00:03:15,255 --> 00:03:17,088 I was like, "Yeah, yeah. That's me." 68 00:03:17,255 --> 00:03:19,421 "Master of None!" "Yeah, yeah. That's me." 69 00:03:19,505 --> 00:03:21,630 "Parks and Rec." "Yeah, yeah. That's me." 70 00:03:21,838 --> 00:03:24,171 "Treat yo' self." "Yeah, yeah. That's me." 71 00:03:24,255 --> 00:03:27,296 "And, uh, you had that whole thing last year, sexual misconduct?" 72 00:03:27,380 --> 00:03:29,921 "No, no, no, no, no! 73 00:03:32,213 --> 00:03:33,463 That was Hasan." 74 00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:34,796 [laughter] 75 00:03:35,588 --> 00:03:36,713 [applause] 76 00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:41,755 You know, I... 77 00:03:41,838 --> 00:03:44,713 I haven't said much about that whole thing, um, 78 00:03:44,796 --> 00:03:47,005 but I've talked about it on this tour, 79 00:03:47,630 --> 00:03:49,921 'cause you're here, and it means a lot to me. 80 00:03:50,005 --> 00:03:53,921 And I'm sure some of you are curious how I feel about that whole situation. 81 00:03:54,630 --> 00:03:57,380 And, uh, it's a tricky thing for me to answer, 82 00:03:57,671 --> 00:04:01,671 'cause I've felt so many things in the last year, so... 83 00:04:02,463 --> 00:04:04,046 There's times I felt scared. 84 00:04:04,630 --> 00:04:06,463 There's times I felt humiliated. 85 00:04:07,171 --> 00:04:09,046 There's times I felt embarrassed. 86 00:04:09,588 --> 00:04:10,671 And ultimately, 87 00:04:11,671 --> 00:04:14,880 I just felt terrible that this person felt this way. 88 00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:19,213 And after a year or so, I just hope it was a step forward. 89 00:04:19,838 --> 00:04:22,880 It moved things forward for me and made me think about a lot. 90 00:04:22,963 --> 00:04:24,755 I hope I've become a better person. 91 00:04:24,838 --> 00:04:27,421 And I always think about a conversation I had with one of my friends 92 00:04:27,505 --> 00:04:29,130 where he was like, "You know what, man? 93 00:04:29,213 --> 00:04:33,921 That whole thing made me think about every date I've ever been on." 94 00:04:34,463 --> 00:04:36,796 And I thought, "Wow. Well, that's pretty incredible. 95 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:40,755 It's made not just me, but other people be more thoughtful, 96 00:04:41,296 --> 00:04:42,713 and that's a good thing." 97 00:04:42,796 --> 00:04:44,630 And that's how I feel about it. 98 00:04:45,088 --> 00:04:46,463 And I know... 99 00:04:47,088 --> 00:04:49,921 this isn't the most hilarious way to begin a comedy show. 100 00:04:50,005 --> 00:04:50,838 [laughter] 101 00:04:50,921 --> 00:04:54,838 But it's important to me that you know how I feel about that whole thing 102 00:04:54,921 --> 00:04:57,671 before we share this night together. 103 00:04:58,130 --> 00:04:59,838 [cheering and applause] 104 00:05:08,838 --> 00:05:10,838 Well, that was pretty intense. 105 00:05:10,921 --> 00:05:12,005 [laughter] 106 00:05:12,088 --> 00:05:14,046 What else shall we talk about? 107 00:05:14,130 --> 00:05:15,046 [laughter] 108 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:16,796 America? 109 00:05:18,088 --> 00:05:20,130 Everyone's very worried right now. 110 00:05:20,630 --> 00:05:22,130 A lot of people are bummed. 111 00:05:22,588 --> 00:05:26,046 People are like, "Oh, my God. Shit has hit the fan." 112 00:05:27,380 --> 00:05:28,755 I'm not worried, though. 113 00:05:28,838 --> 00:05:30,380 You know why? 'Cause... 114 00:05:31,046 --> 00:05:32,630 this is America, okay? 115 00:05:33,213 --> 00:05:37,046 Shit didn't hit the fan, shit's always been on the fan, okay? 116 00:05:37,130 --> 00:05:39,505 There's never been a clean fan out there. 117 00:05:39,921 --> 00:05:41,630 There's always been shit up there. 118 00:05:41,713 --> 00:05:45,546 Every generation of Americans has had their shit. 119 00:05:45,630 --> 00:05:47,630 And they've persevered, 120 00:05:47,713 --> 00:05:49,546 and we will as well, okay? 121 00:05:49,630 --> 00:05:53,546 And some of those generations have had even crazier shit than we do, right? 122 00:05:53,630 --> 00:05:55,546 Things like the Depression, 123 00:05:55,630 --> 00:05:58,046 Vietnam, the draft... 124 00:05:58,130 --> 00:06:00,380 Could you imagine if we had a draft? 125 00:06:00,463 --> 00:06:01,380 [laughter] 126 00:06:01,463 --> 00:06:02,838 With today's people? 127 00:06:02,921 --> 00:06:04,463 [laughter] 128 00:06:04,546 --> 00:06:06,838 "Uh, I can't go to war. I just started this company. 129 00:06:06,921 --> 00:06:08,880 We make eco-friendly shoes out of cashews. 130 00:06:08,963 --> 00:06:10,713 They're called "Cashoes". 131 00:06:10,796 --> 00:06:11,963 [laughter] 132 00:06:15,380 --> 00:06:17,671 Just a few generations before, they'd give that guy a rifle, 133 00:06:17,755 --> 00:06:19,880 they're like, "Go shoot some Asian people!" 134 00:06:20,296 --> 00:06:21,213 Now he's at work like, 135 00:06:21,296 --> 00:06:23,921 "Uh, it's not pronounced 'pho', Valerie, it's 'faa.'" 136 00:06:24,005 --> 00:06:24,838 [laughter] 137 00:06:24,921 --> 00:06:25,880 His grandfather... 138 00:06:25,963 --> 00:06:28,296 [screaming] 139 00:06:28,380 --> 00:06:29,296 [laughs] 140 00:06:31,338 --> 00:06:32,671 But I promise you, 141 00:06:33,421 --> 00:06:34,588 we're gonna be okay, 142 00:06:35,005 --> 00:06:36,713 'cause despite how it may seem, 143 00:06:37,005 --> 00:06:41,296 we still have a capacity for listening, for understanding. 144 00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:43,463 I'll give you an example, okay? 145 00:06:43,796 --> 00:06:45,046 There was a story I read. 146 00:06:45,588 --> 00:06:49,505 This girl goes to her high school prom. White girl. She wears an Asian garment. 147 00:06:49,838 --> 00:06:52,671 And there's an Asian kid at the school and he's offended. 148 00:06:53,005 --> 00:06:54,713 He actually did something really cool. 149 00:06:54,796 --> 00:06:57,546 He actually went up to her and they had a conversation. 150 00:06:57,796 --> 00:07:00,796 He explained his concerns about cultural appropriation. 151 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:04,838 She assured him she was coming from a place of respect and admiration. 152 00:07:05,046 --> 00:07:07,713 And they both learned about each other's perspectives. 153 00:07:07,796 --> 00:07:10,671 And it was a really-- Just kidding. None of that shit happened. 154 00:07:11,213 --> 00:07:13,963 Oh! Why would that happen? 155 00:07:14,380 --> 00:07:16,838 No, he just Tweeted out her pictures and wrote, 156 00:07:16,921 --> 00:07:19,463 "My culture's not your goddamn prom dress!" 157 00:07:19,546 --> 00:07:20,463 [laughter] 158 00:07:20,796 --> 00:07:23,130 And this became global news! 159 00:07:23,213 --> 00:07:25,588 And there was articles, and comments, and tweets. 160 00:07:25,671 --> 00:07:27,296 And I read all of 'em. 161 00:07:27,546 --> 00:07:30,713 And my favorite thing is you go on these threads, 162 00:07:30,796 --> 00:07:34,255 and you'd see people arguing, trying to, like, out-woke each other. 163 00:07:34,338 --> 00:07:36,213 You know what I mean? Like, one person'd be like, 164 00:07:36,296 --> 00:07:38,963 "Oh, I can't believe she'd just steal from Chinese culture like that." 165 00:07:39,046 --> 00:07:41,921 Another guy'd be like, "Actually, the Chinese stole that from Malaysia." 166 00:07:42,005 --> 00:07:43,630 And I was like, "Oh, shit! 167 00:07:44,296 --> 00:07:46,255 You just got out-woked! 168 00:07:46,630 --> 00:07:48,130 You thought your eyes were open. 169 00:07:48,213 --> 00:07:50,713 This other dude doesn't even have a forehead. 170 00:07:50,796 --> 00:07:53,046 His eyeball just keeps going... 171 00:07:54,088 --> 00:07:56,880 just so he can see all the injustice." 172 00:07:56,963 --> 00:07:58,005 [laughter] 173 00:07:59,046 --> 00:08:01,380 Man, look, man. I saw the pictures. 174 00:08:01,463 --> 00:08:04,255 It didn't seem like this person's heart was in the wrong place. 175 00:08:04,338 --> 00:08:05,963 It's not like she tweeted, "Hey, everybody, 176 00:08:06,046 --> 00:08:08,171 check out my ching-chong, bing-bong dress!" 177 00:08:08,255 --> 00:08:09,088 [laughter] 178 00:08:09,171 --> 00:08:10,380 Well, that would be bad. 179 00:08:11,171 --> 00:08:13,963 Do I not have all the facts? Did she step out of the limo like... 180 00:08:14,046 --> 00:08:16,338 [sings Oriental riff] 181 00:08:16,421 --> 00:08:18,296 "Konichiwa, bitches! 182 00:08:19,088 --> 00:08:20,838 [mock Chinese accent] Where's the prom?" 183 00:08:20,921 --> 00:08:23,130 All right, that's problematic. 184 00:08:23,213 --> 00:08:24,796 [laughter] 185 00:08:25,380 --> 00:08:27,963 Nowadays, man, sometimes even when the stuff is racist, 186 00:08:28,046 --> 00:08:30,671 I'm like, "Can we just talk about something else? 187 00:08:31,088 --> 00:08:34,130 I don't think we're gonna fix it at this brunch. 188 00:08:34,213 --> 00:08:38,088 I don't think this is the crew 189 00:08:38,171 --> 00:08:40,921 that's gonna crack the case." 190 00:08:41,005 --> 00:08:41,838 [laughter] 191 00:08:41,921 --> 00:08:45,880 Say what you will about racist people, but they're usually very brief. 192 00:08:47,046 --> 00:08:50,921 Newly woke white people are exhausting! 193 00:08:51,171 --> 00:08:53,630 "Uh, what's the statistic? 194 00:08:53,713 --> 00:08:55,546 Where'd you read the article?" 195 00:08:55,630 --> 00:08:57,463 Chin, chin, chin, chin, cha. 196 00:08:58,130 --> 00:09:00,796 "Aziz, have you seen this episode of The Simpsons? 197 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:04,338 There's an Indian character and dabu do dabee dabade dabado." 198 00:09:04,630 --> 00:09:07,380 ♪ Think piece, stink piece I just read a think piece ♪ 199 00:09:07,463 --> 00:09:09,880 ♪ Now I'm gonna say what I read to you ♪ 200 00:09:10,171 --> 00:09:12,463 ♪ Here are the bullet points For this issue ♪ 201 00:09:12,546 --> 00:09:15,005 ♪ Badoo-badoo, badoo-badoo badoo-badoo, ba-doo-doo ♪ 202 00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:17,838 Oh, can you just call me Apu and leave me alone? 203 00:09:17,921 --> 00:09:19,296 [laughter] 204 00:09:19,380 --> 00:09:20,546 [applause] 205 00:09:20,755 --> 00:09:23,171 Yeah! 206 00:09:24,005 --> 00:09:25,005 I'm aware. 207 00:09:25,088 --> 00:09:26,588 [applause] 208 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:31,505 I'm aware, Candice. I saw it 30 years ago. 209 00:09:31,588 --> 00:09:34,338 It's a white guy doing an Indian voice. 210 00:09:34,421 --> 00:09:35,755 I appreciate the support, 211 00:09:36,088 --> 00:09:39,755 but things don't just become racist when white people figure it out. 212 00:09:39,838 --> 00:09:41,005 [laughter] 213 00:09:41,921 --> 00:09:43,630 [cheering and applause] 214 00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:51,505 Don't get me wrong, I don't like those Simpsons people either. 215 00:09:51,588 --> 00:09:54,130 They're running around, "Why did no one say anything 30 years ago? 216 00:09:54,213 --> 00:09:56,588 We're winning awards and stuff, no one said anything." 217 00:09:56,963 --> 00:10:00,630 'Cause Indian people could only say something, like, four years ago, okay? 218 00:10:00,838 --> 00:10:02,880 We've had a slow rise in the culture. 219 00:10:03,463 --> 00:10:07,296 You know who the first Indian person I saw on MTV was? 220 00:10:08,005 --> 00:10:08,838 Me! 221 00:10:08,921 --> 00:10:10,046 [laughter] 222 00:10:10,796 --> 00:10:12,255 It's taken a minute. 223 00:10:12,338 --> 00:10:13,338 [cheering] 224 00:10:15,255 --> 00:10:17,630 All right, truth be told, it was that bass player in No Doubt, 225 00:10:17,713 --> 00:10:18,546 but, you know... 226 00:10:18,630 --> 00:10:19,713 [laughter] 227 00:10:19,796 --> 00:10:22,088 He was in the background playing bass! 228 00:10:22,505 --> 00:10:25,005 He didn't have a platform to speak on these things! 229 00:10:25,088 --> 00:10:26,171 [laughter] 230 00:10:26,255 --> 00:10:28,796 Plus, we all know the dynamic in that band. 231 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,213 [laughter] 232 00:10:30,671 --> 00:10:34,046 "Uh, Gwen, there's a couple of issues in the Indian-American community and--" 233 00:10:34,130 --> 00:10:35,088 ♪ Don't speak! ♪ 234 00:10:35,171 --> 00:10:36,171 "Okay, shit, I'm sorry." 235 00:10:36,255 --> 00:10:37,380 [laughter] 236 00:10:42,005 --> 00:10:43,130 Interesting times 237 00:10:43,213 --> 00:10:44,588 for, uh, white people. 238 00:10:44,838 --> 00:10:46,588 Uh... I've been observing you. 239 00:10:47,130 --> 00:10:48,296 I see what's going on. 240 00:10:48,671 --> 00:10:51,505 You're trying really hard to be nice to minorities... 241 00:10:52,421 --> 00:10:53,880 in a way I've never seen before. 242 00:10:53,963 --> 00:10:56,171 Putting in the time, putting in the effort. 243 00:10:56,255 --> 00:10:59,963 Getting out there. Watching Crazy Rich Asians. 244 00:11:00,046 --> 00:11:01,130 [laughter] 245 00:11:01,213 --> 00:11:03,546 White people went in droves. Very cool. 246 00:11:03,630 --> 00:11:05,546 Any white people here see Crazy Rich Asians? 247 00:11:05,630 --> 00:11:07,838 -Raise your hands, everybody. Yeah? -[cheering] 248 00:11:07,921 --> 00:11:08,796 Yeah. 249 00:11:09,046 --> 00:11:10,671 You, man, in the front. You saw it? 250 00:11:10,755 --> 00:11:13,713 Yeah? It had, like, a 97% on Rotten Tomatoes. 251 00:11:13,796 --> 00:11:15,338 You think it was that good, 97%? 252 00:11:15,421 --> 00:11:16,505 [laughter] 253 00:11:16,588 --> 00:11:19,671 Eh, maybe a little less? What-- what number would you give it? 254 00:11:19,838 --> 00:11:21,005 Eighty-five. 255 00:11:21,088 --> 00:11:22,796 Eighty-five? Wow! 256 00:11:24,463 --> 00:11:26,421 Twelve percent less. 257 00:11:26,505 --> 00:11:27,630 [laughter] 258 00:11:27,713 --> 00:11:29,588 Anything in particular you didn't like 259 00:11:29,671 --> 00:11:32,338 that made you dock it 12 points, man? 260 00:11:32,421 --> 00:11:34,130 [laughter] 261 00:11:36,005 --> 00:11:38,713 Are you nervous right now? [laughs] 262 00:11:38,796 --> 00:11:39,630 [laughter] 263 00:11:39,713 --> 00:11:42,630 I'm just messing with you. It doesn't matter what you think about the movie. 264 00:11:42,713 --> 00:11:44,838 It's just fun to make white people feel bad. 265 00:11:44,921 --> 00:11:45,755 And... 266 00:11:45,838 --> 00:11:46,880 [laughter] 267 00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:52,213 This is so adorable. Look how far we've come... 268 00:11:52,296 --> 00:11:53,213 [laughter] 269 00:11:53,296 --> 00:11:55,046 ...in just two generations, right? 270 00:11:55,130 --> 00:11:57,713 Like, your grandma doesn't even call that movie "Crazy Rich Asians." 271 00:11:57,796 --> 00:12:00,546 She calls it "that movie that has too many Orientals." 272 00:12:00,630 --> 00:12:01,463 [laughter] 273 00:12:01,796 --> 00:12:05,255 And now you're sitting here like, "Uh, 85? Shit. I take it back, 97. 274 00:12:05,338 --> 00:12:07,838 What do I need to say to not get in trouble? Uh..." 275 00:12:07,921 --> 00:12:08,921 [laughter] 276 00:12:09,921 --> 00:12:13,338 It's coming from a good place, but some people are acting weird, man. 277 00:12:14,171 --> 00:12:17,171 I asked this one lady, I was like, "You see Crazy Rich Asians?" 278 00:12:17,255 --> 00:12:19,088 She was like, "Yeah!" I was like, "You like it?" 279 00:12:19,171 --> 00:12:21,963 She was like, "Uh, I actually didn't see it, I'm sorry!" I'm like... 280 00:12:22,046 --> 00:12:24,088 "What are you lying for?! 281 00:12:24,296 --> 00:12:26,713 What did you think, I was gonna give you some cookies?" 282 00:12:26,796 --> 00:12:27,630 [laughter] 283 00:12:27,713 --> 00:12:30,463 My favorite thing, though, one time I asked someone, I was like, uh, 284 00:12:30,546 --> 00:12:31,671 "You like Crazy Rich Asians?" 285 00:12:31,755 --> 00:12:34,380 They're like, "You know what, Aziz? I'm gonna be honest with you. 286 00:12:34,463 --> 00:12:36,921 The first time I saw it, I didn't really enjoy it. 287 00:12:37,005 --> 00:12:40,088 But then I watched it again with one of my Asian friends, 288 00:12:40,838 --> 00:12:42,588 and I saw how much it meant to her 289 00:12:42,671 --> 00:12:45,005 to see herself represented on the screen, 290 00:12:45,421 --> 00:12:47,380 and that made me really like the film." 291 00:12:47,963 --> 00:12:50,505 And I said, "Oh, um, that doesn't mean you like the movie, 292 00:12:50,588 --> 00:12:53,630 that's just a weird, condescending, shitty thing to say." 293 00:12:53,713 --> 00:12:55,046 [laughter] 294 00:12:55,130 --> 00:12:58,671 Could you imagine if I watched Paul Blart: Mall Cop... 295 00:12:58,755 --> 00:12:59,921 [laughter] 296 00:13:01,088 --> 00:13:02,755 ...and I was like, "I didn't really like it, 297 00:13:02,838 --> 00:13:06,088 but then I watched it again with one of my chubby white friends... 298 00:13:06,171 --> 00:13:07,088 [laughter] 299 00:13:07,630 --> 00:13:09,338 Really changed my perspective." 300 00:13:09,421 --> 00:13:10,588 [laughter] 301 00:13:12,213 --> 00:13:13,046 Oh. 302 00:13:13,838 --> 00:13:16,338 But, look, I'll give credit where credit's due. 303 00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:17,588 I've been around 36 years. 304 00:13:17,671 --> 00:13:20,796 I've never seen white people trying this hard be nice to minorities. 305 00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:23,171 I know there's some people that are not trying at all, 306 00:13:23,255 --> 00:13:26,463 and some people going a bit aggressively the other direction... 307 00:13:26,546 --> 00:13:27,380 [laughter] 308 00:13:27,463 --> 00:13:32,005 But overall, I'd say this edition of white people is trying the hardest. 309 00:13:32,088 --> 00:13:35,380 And I think it's cool, and I appreciate it. 310 00:13:35,463 --> 00:13:36,296 [laughter] 311 00:13:36,380 --> 00:13:38,046 [cheering and applause] 312 00:13:39,505 --> 00:13:42,255 But... sometimes I'm a little suspicious. 313 00:13:42,338 --> 00:13:44,296 Uh, minorities, you know what I'm talking about? 314 00:13:44,588 --> 00:13:49,380 Doesn't it seem a little weird sometimes? Doesn't it seem a little strange? 315 00:13:49,463 --> 00:13:51,505 Almost like some people are playing a game 316 00:13:51,588 --> 00:13:54,630 where they're, like, tallying up points for doing nice stuff. 317 00:13:54,713 --> 00:13:57,546 Like, is there some sort of secret, progressive Candy Crush 318 00:13:57,630 --> 00:13:58,630 we don't know about? 319 00:13:58,713 --> 00:13:59,546 [laughter] 320 00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:02,588 Like, don't you imagine some white people getting together in secret, like, 321 00:14:02,671 --> 00:14:05,963 "All right, let's tally up our scores. What did everyone do for equality today?" 322 00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:08,380 Let's hear it. Brian, tell us about your day." 323 00:14:08,463 --> 00:14:11,380 "Well, I told one of my African-American friends 324 00:14:11,463 --> 00:14:13,838 I thought Black Panther should have won Best Picture. 325 00:14:13,921 --> 00:14:14,838 [imitates chime] 326 00:14:14,921 --> 00:14:15,963 [laughter] 327 00:14:18,005 --> 00:14:20,463 [sighs] Then I tweeted out some support 328 00:14:20,546 --> 00:14:23,338 for this new documentary by a lesbian filmmaker. 329 00:14:23,421 --> 00:14:24,380 [imitates chime] 330 00:14:24,463 --> 00:14:25,380 [laughter] 331 00:14:25,463 --> 00:14:27,880 Then I Instagrammed a little love for Colin Kaepernick. 332 00:14:27,963 --> 00:14:28,796 [imitates chime] 333 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:29,838 [laughter] 334 00:14:29,921 --> 00:14:32,463 Then I crossed the street when I saw a black guy. 335 00:14:32,546 --> 00:14:33,380 [sinking sound] 336 00:14:33,463 --> 00:14:34,296 [laughter] 337 00:14:34,380 --> 00:14:36,630 Shit! I need more points. I need more points. 338 00:14:36,713 --> 00:14:38,796 What can I do? 339 00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:39,880 [gasps] 340 00:14:39,963 --> 00:14:43,588 Wrote a lengthy Instagram post calling myself out for white privilege 341 00:14:43,671 --> 00:14:45,421 based on something I did in 2015." 342 00:14:45,505 --> 00:14:48,380 [imitates chime] Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! 343 00:14:48,588 --> 00:14:50,505 "Tell him what he's won, guys!" 344 00:14:50,588 --> 00:14:52,713 "Oh, Brian's won a bunch of Instagram likes 345 00:14:52,796 --> 00:14:56,546 from other white people playing the same game!" 346 00:14:56,630 --> 00:14:57,838 [applause] 347 00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:04,671 And look, I know there's some people sitting here like, "Come on, Aziz. 348 00:15:04,755 --> 00:15:05,671 What the hell? 349 00:15:05,755 --> 00:15:08,005 I'm white. I don't do this shit, okay? 350 00:15:08,088 --> 00:15:11,338 I'm here, watching you, supporting minorities in the arts!" 351 00:15:11,463 --> 00:15:12,463 [laughter] 352 00:15:12,546 --> 00:15:13,421 [imitates chime] 353 00:15:13,505 --> 00:15:14,588 [laughter] 354 00:15:19,380 --> 00:15:21,463 It's a weird time to be working on jokes. 355 00:15:22,213 --> 00:15:24,588 Gotta be very careful about what you say, right? 356 00:15:24,671 --> 00:15:27,463 I've seen people in regular jobs getting in trouble these days, you know? 357 00:15:27,546 --> 00:15:32,046 I recently saw some people got in trouble for, uh, saying the word "niggardly." 358 00:15:32,546 --> 00:15:34,630 Which, take it easy, has nothing to do with race. 359 00:15:34,713 --> 00:15:36,171 It just means cheap or stingy. 360 00:15:36,255 --> 00:15:38,921 You can look up the etymology, it's a completely innocent word. 361 00:15:39,005 --> 00:15:40,671 And people are getting in trouble for it. 362 00:15:40,755 --> 00:15:41,921 Which is crazy. 363 00:15:43,338 --> 00:15:46,755 But... it seems like they could've just said cheap or stingy, right? 364 00:15:46,838 --> 00:15:47,880 [laughter] 365 00:15:47,963 --> 00:15:50,130 I don't know why they had to walk the plank on this one. 366 00:15:50,213 --> 00:15:52,088 "Mmm... 367 00:15:52,171 --> 00:15:54,505 I know what it sounds like. 368 00:15:55,380 --> 00:15:58,046 But I want to use my big word! 369 00:15:58,130 --> 00:16:00,005 What do you mean you're getting a regular ticket? 370 00:16:00,088 --> 00:16:02,963 Let's get a Fast Pass. Quit being so niggardly!" 371 00:16:03,046 --> 00:16:04,005 [laughter] 372 00:16:05,255 --> 00:16:09,630 One of the guys that got in trouble, he's a senator from Ohio, right? 373 00:16:09,713 --> 00:16:11,088 His name's Sherrod Brown. 374 00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:13,296 They had a meeting about military spending. 375 00:16:13,380 --> 00:16:14,671 And he goes to the legislators, 376 00:16:14,755 --> 00:16:17,213 "You all, when it comes to spending on the weapons and the wars, 377 00:16:17,296 --> 00:16:18,880 you all want to spend very lavishly, 378 00:16:18,963 --> 00:16:22,213 but when the veterans come home, you start acting very niggardly." 379 00:16:22,463 --> 00:16:24,713 -They're like, "Uh, what'd you say?" -[laughter] 380 00:16:24,796 --> 00:16:27,088 "I said, 'You just start acting very niggardly.'" 381 00:16:27,171 --> 00:16:29,796 "Uh, just the last word again, Sherrod?" "I said, 'Niggardly.'" 382 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,546 "Get him out of here!" 383 00:16:31,963 --> 00:16:33,546 And he got in all this trouble. 384 00:16:33,630 --> 00:16:35,963 And then, they looked it up in the dictionary, 385 00:16:36,046 --> 00:16:37,213 and he was fine. 386 00:16:37,296 --> 00:16:39,046 [laughter] 387 00:16:39,130 --> 00:16:42,088 But when I first read the article, I was really confused, 388 00:16:42,171 --> 00:16:44,755 'cause I read his name as Sherrod Brown, 389 00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:48,546 and I was like, "Uh, seems like Sherrod Brown should be okay here, right? 390 00:16:48,630 --> 00:16:49,546 [laughter] 391 00:16:49,630 --> 00:16:52,005 Am I missing something here, Sherrod Brown? 392 00:16:52,088 --> 00:16:54,463 Do I not have all the facts? Uh... 393 00:16:54,546 --> 00:16:56,880 Oh, he's a white guy? Get him out of here!" No. 394 00:16:56,963 --> 00:16:57,796 [laughter] 395 00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,505 It's a completely innocent word. 396 00:17:00,046 --> 00:17:00,921 Nothing wrong with it. 397 00:17:01,005 --> 00:17:02,588 So, you know, white dude in the front, 398 00:17:02,671 --> 00:17:05,796 if you want to put it in rotation every now and then, go for it. 399 00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:06,755 Nothing wrong with it. 400 00:17:06,838 --> 00:17:09,421 I just explained to you, there's nothing wrong with the word, right? 401 00:17:09,755 --> 00:17:10,880 Right? You got it. 402 00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:13,296 So, why don't you just yell it into the microphone right now? 403 00:17:13,380 --> 00:17:17,255 Okay, here we go, let's do it. Here we go. Let's go. Here we go. Let's go, let's go. 404 00:17:17,338 --> 00:17:18,171 Here we go. 405 00:17:18,421 --> 00:17:21,380 He was about to do it! Can you believe it, guys? Come on, sir! 406 00:17:21,463 --> 00:17:22,546 That's not cool. 407 00:17:23,296 --> 00:17:24,880 That was a test and you failed! 408 00:17:25,546 --> 00:17:27,671 You can't just throw it around willy-nilly. 409 00:17:28,338 --> 00:17:30,213 Maybe if it comes up in your life organically, 410 00:17:30,296 --> 00:17:31,755 then you can consider throwing it in. 411 00:17:31,838 --> 00:17:34,505 I don't know what the scenario is, maybe, uh... 412 00:17:35,005 --> 00:17:38,171 Maybe go out to dinner with your African-American boss, right? 413 00:17:38,505 --> 00:17:41,213 And... he grabs the bill, and then you look at the tip. 414 00:17:41,296 --> 00:17:44,380 You're like, "Mm, I don't know, sir, seems a bit niggardly." Like, that... 415 00:17:44,463 --> 00:17:46,213 seems okay. [laughs] 416 00:17:48,546 --> 00:17:52,088 Gotta be careful about what you say. 417 00:17:52,588 --> 00:17:54,463 And about what you said, right? 418 00:17:55,755 --> 00:17:58,171 'Cause they'll dig up the old tweets. 419 00:17:58,255 --> 00:18:00,296 They'll find the old clips. 420 00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:02,463 You know what's strange about that whole thing, though? 421 00:18:02,546 --> 00:18:06,463 Is like... you ever just watch very popular mainstream stuff 422 00:18:06,546 --> 00:18:08,005 from not that long ago? 423 00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:10,963 Uh, there's stuff in there, guys! [laughs] 424 00:18:11,046 --> 00:18:12,671 I was watching The Hangover the other day. 425 00:18:12,755 --> 00:18:15,463 This is one of the biggest movies ever, right? It's not that old. 426 00:18:15,546 --> 00:18:17,671 There's a scene in that movie where Bradley Cooper goes, 427 00:18:17,755 --> 00:18:19,380 "Paging Dr. Faggot!" 428 00:18:20,130 --> 00:18:21,421 That's in the movie! 429 00:18:21,505 --> 00:18:22,338 [laughter] 430 00:18:22,421 --> 00:18:25,463 Did you guys write a letter? I didn't write a letter. 431 00:18:25,546 --> 00:18:26,588 [laughter] 432 00:18:26,921 --> 00:18:30,255 Not only is it in the movie, it's in the trailer for the movie! 433 00:18:30,338 --> 00:18:32,463 -[laughter] -You know why it was in the trailer? 434 00:18:32,546 --> 00:18:33,921 'Cause they did test readings, 435 00:18:34,005 --> 00:18:36,963 and whenever Bradley Cooper went, "Paging Dr. Faggot," 436 00:18:37,046 --> 00:18:39,921 everyone went, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! This movie rules! 437 00:18:40,005 --> 00:18:41,838 I love that word!" 438 00:18:41,921 --> 00:18:43,005 [laughter] 439 00:18:44,505 --> 00:18:47,130 You can watch stuff that's not that old 440 00:18:47,338 --> 00:18:49,880 with 2019 eyes and things can seem weird now. 441 00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:52,546 Like... like, I was watching a... a rerun of The Office. 442 00:18:52,630 --> 00:18:53,671 What's the biggest story? 443 00:18:53,755 --> 00:18:56,130 "Jim and Pam. Oh, I hope they get together!" 444 00:18:56,213 --> 00:18:58,588 You watch it now, though, it's like, "Mmh, I don't know. 445 00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:01,338 This lady's engaged. He's been hitting on her for, like, four seasons. 446 00:19:01,421 --> 00:19:03,630 I don't know if this is cool in the workplace. 447 00:19:03,713 --> 00:19:04,546 [laughter] 448 00:19:04,630 --> 00:19:06,421 If they rebooted The Office now, 449 00:19:06,505 --> 00:19:09,921 it'd end with Pam winning a landmark sexual harassment case. 450 00:19:10,005 --> 00:19:11,005 [laughter] 451 00:19:11,463 --> 00:19:12,713 And then, in the series finale, 452 00:19:12,796 --> 00:19:14,880 you'd find out that's what the documentary was, 453 00:19:14,963 --> 00:19:17,421 they were just gathering evidence against Jim! 454 00:19:17,505 --> 00:19:18,713 [laughter] 455 00:19:23,088 --> 00:19:26,213 I was even watching my own show. I was watching a Parks and Rec rerun. 456 00:19:26,296 --> 00:19:29,005 I love Parks, love my Parks family. 457 00:19:29,088 --> 00:19:32,380 But I was watching some season's rerun, and I was like, "Eee, I don't know. 458 00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:34,755 Like, we had a whole scene in the show 459 00:19:34,838 --> 00:19:38,380 where my character Tom gets a gift for Rashida Jones's character. 460 00:19:38,463 --> 00:19:40,713 Right? I get her a teddy bear. 461 00:19:40,796 --> 00:19:44,046 But the teddy bear has a nanny cam in it. 462 00:19:44,296 --> 00:19:46,130 Nuh... 463 00:19:46,213 --> 00:19:48,005 I feel like if I got script today, I'd be like, 464 00:19:48,088 --> 00:19:50,880 -"Mmh, yeah, I'm not doing this one, guys. -[laughter] 465 00:19:50,963 --> 00:19:53,338 Pretty sure Tom would go to jail for that." 466 00:19:53,421 --> 00:19:55,088 -[laughter] -But back then, I was like, 467 00:19:55,171 --> 00:19:58,088 "Oh, I get it. Now I can see inside her house. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha." 468 00:19:58,171 --> 00:19:59,255 [laughter] 469 00:20:02,421 --> 00:20:04,505 But that's very interesting. What does that mean? 470 00:20:04,588 --> 00:20:07,463 Does that mean me and the people that made Parks are bad people? 471 00:20:07,546 --> 00:20:09,630 No. It was a different cultural context. 472 00:20:09,713 --> 00:20:12,463 You can't judge everything by 2019 standards. 473 00:20:12,546 --> 00:20:15,338 Sure, some things, of course, but not everything. 474 00:20:15,713 --> 00:20:19,546 Yeah? I guess what I'm saying is, "Look, we're all shitty people, okay? 475 00:20:19,630 --> 00:20:21,796 -[laughter] -And we have our blind spots. 476 00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:23,963 And we become aware, and we slowly get better. 477 00:20:24,046 --> 00:20:26,255 We're all on a journey. And if you're sitting there, like, 478 00:20:26,338 --> 00:20:28,588 "I'm not shitty. I'm aware of all the marginalized groups." 479 00:20:28,671 --> 00:20:31,171 -You're extra shitty, okay? -[laughter] 480 00:20:31,255 --> 00:20:32,671 'Cause you're arrogant. 481 00:20:33,463 --> 00:20:34,963 Have some humility. 482 00:20:35,421 --> 00:20:36,838 [cheering and applause] 483 00:20:38,921 --> 00:20:41,046 Don't you realize in 50 years 484 00:20:41,130 --> 00:20:44,130 we're all gonna look back and feel like complete assholes? 485 00:20:44,213 --> 00:20:46,088 -[laughter] -Like, isn't that the dream, 486 00:20:46,171 --> 00:20:47,130 in a way? 487 00:20:47,213 --> 00:20:48,671 That 50 years from now, we look back, 488 00:20:48,755 --> 00:20:50,796 we can't even justify ourselves to our grandkids. 489 00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:52,505 We're just sitting there like, "Uh, yeah. 490 00:20:52,588 --> 00:20:54,588 I don't know what the fuck was going on. Um... 491 00:20:54,671 --> 00:20:55,505 [laughter] 492 00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:59,755 There was just homeless people everywhere and no-one gave a shit. Uh... 493 00:20:59,838 --> 00:21:02,046 You'd just kind of avoid eye contact, walk around 'em, 494 00:21:02,130 --> 00:21:04,630 hope it wasn't one of the ones that'd chase you down. 495 00:21:04,713 --> 00:21:07,380 Every now and then they'd have cups out and you'd open up your wallet 496 00:21:07,463 --> 00:21:09,255 and be like, "Uh, sorry, all I got's twenties." 497 00:21:09,338 --> 00:21:12,796 And then you'd hop on one of those weird scooters and get the fuck out of there! 498 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,380 [laughter] 499 00:21:14,463 --> 00:21:16,130 It was a weird time, 2019. 500 00:21:16,755 --> 00:21:18,671 We put every single black guy in jail. 501 00:21:18,755 --> 00:21:20,630 Every single black guy was in jail, 502 00:21:20,713 --> 00:21:24,671 except for, like, Drake, LeVar Burton, and that little kid from Stranger Things. 503 00:21:24,755 --> 00:21:25,630 [laughter] 504 00:21:25,713 --> 00:21:28,130 Besides them, we put every single black guy in jail 505 00:21:28,213 --> 00:21:29,755 for, like, a little bit of weed. 506 00:21:29,838 --> 00:21:32,921 And then we made weed legal and we just left 'em in there. 507 00:21:33,005 --> 00:21:36,213 I don't know, it seems like we could have made a couple of calls. 508 00:21:36,296 --> 00:21:37,546 [applause] 509 00:21:37,630 --> 00:21:38,963 [cheering and applause] 510 00:21:42,921 --> 00:21:46,046 Cultural context, right, could change everything. 511 00:21:46,546 --> 00:21:48,171 Look at all this R. Kelly stuff. 512 00:21:48,505 --> 00:21:50,671 All this information was out there in the past, right? 513 00:21:50,755 --> 00:21:52,963 There was the Aaliyah thing, there were the tapes, 514 00:21:53,046 --> 00:21:55,713 and everyone just kind of looked the other way, right? 515 00:21:55,963 --> 00:21:58,796 But now, the culture has reached a breaking point. 516 00:21:59,046 --> 00:22:03,005 Now that there's a bingeable six hour documentary, the culture's like, 517 00:22:03,088 --> 00:22:05,421 "Hey, it's one thing for all this information to be out there 518 00:22:05,505 --> 00:22:06,671 in a 20-page long read, 519 00:22:06,755 --> 00:22:10,588 but now that it's been packaged in an entertaining fashion, no more!" 520 00:22:10,671 --> 00:22:11,671 [laughter] 521 00:22:12,796 --> 00:22:13,713 I watched it. 522 00:22:14,921 --> 00:22:15,796 Intense. 523 00:22:16,755 --> 00:22:20,213 Just out of curiosity, you guys, clap if you're done with R. Kelly. 524 00:22:20,296 --> 00:22:21,630 Clap if you're done with R. Kelly. 525 00:22:21,713 --> 00:22:23,505 -[cheering and applause] -Yeah. 526 00:22:23,796 --> 00:22:24,630 Wow. 527 00:22:25,088 --> 00:22:26,796 A lot of people. 528 00:22:28,380 --> 00:22:30,380 Yeah. I mean, it was a very compelling piece. 529 00:22:30,463 --> 00:22:32,463 A lot of people putting out statements and stuff now. 530 00:22:32,546 --> 00:22:33,963 People that used to work with him. 531 00:22:34,046 --> 00:22:37,213 People like Lady Gaga, Chance the Rapper. 532 00:22:38,130 --> 00:22:40,338 You know who I haven't seen a statement from? 533 00:22:40,630 --> 00:22:43,130 This guy right here. Nothing from you, sir! 534 00:22:43,921 --> 00:22:45,713 -Sir, what's your name up here? -Dan. 535 00:22:45,796 --> 00:22:47,755 -Dan, what's your last name? -Greenblatt. 536 00:22:47,838 --> 00:22:49,046 Dan Greenblatt. 537 00:22:49,130 --> 00:22:51,671 I've seen nothing from Dan Greenblatt. 538 00:22:51,755 --> 00:22:52,838 But why would I, Dan? 539 00:22:52,921 --> 00:22:56,005 There's no documentation of your R. Kelly patronage, right? 540 00:22:56,588 --> 00:22:58,255 You're very lucky in that regard. 541 00:22:59,296 --> 00:23:00,630 Wouldn't that be embarrassing? 542 00:23:00,713 --> 00:23:02,630 What if you were watching that documentary, right, 543 00:23:02,713 --> 00:23:04,671 and they're like, "Oh, and then the tape comes out" 544 00:23:04,755 --> 00:23:07,505 At this point, you've got to know something's not right. 545 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:09,046 But people didn't care. 546 00:23:09,588 --> 00:23:12,921 Here's footage of Dan Greenblatt just one week after the tape was released. 547 00:23:13,005 --> 00:23:16,255 ♪ It's a remix to ignition I got them fresh out of the kitchen ♪ 548 00:23:16,338 --> 00:23:17,546 ♪ I got the rollin'-- ♪ 549 00:23:17,630 --> 00:23:20,088 Here's footage of Dan just two weeks later, 550 00:23:20,171 --> 00:23:21,130 driving to work. 551 00:23:21,213 --> 00:23:23,005 ♪ I'm sippin' on Coke and rum ♪ 552 00:23:23,088 --> 00:23:26,338 ♪ I'm like, "So, what? I'm drunk" It's the rar, rar, rar, rar" ♪ 553 00:23:26,838 --> 00:23:28,921 You're lucky they don't have that footage, Dan. 554 00:23:29,005 --> 00:23:31,088 You know you got down to those tunes. 555 00:23:32,463 --> 00:23:34,213 Wouldn't that be so awful? 556 00:23:34,296 --> 00:23:36,588 What if they had footage of you from, like, 18 years ago? 557 00:23:36,671 --> 00:23:40,755 Maybe, uh, you know, talking about going to an R. Kelly concert. 558 00:23:41,046 --> 00:23:43,838 Talking about how you had a great time and how it was so silly. 559 00:23:43,921 --> 00:23:46,630 Wouldn't that be awful? You know who they do have footage of like that? 560 00:23:46,713 --> 00:23:48,921 -Me! -[laughter] 561 00:23:49,296 --> 00:23:53,005 Yeah, it's the end of my first stand-up special. I put it out myself. 562 00:23:53,088 --> 00:23:54,046 [laughter] 563 00:23:54,130 --> 00:23:56,505 I had this whole bit at the end of my first stand-up special. 564 00:23:56,588 --> 00:23:59,796 I'm like, "I went to an R. Kelly concert. It was crazy!" 565 00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:00,713 [laughter] 566 00:24:00,796 --> 00:24:03,421 I don't do that shit now, but it's still out there. 567 00:24:03,505 --> 00:24:06,255 And I'm watching this documentary, I'm terrified! 568 00:24:06,755 --> 00:24:09,588 I'm like, "Man, they'd better not pull up them clips! 569 00:24:10,088 --> 00:24:12,296 I've had a tricky year as it is." 570 00:24:12,380 --> 00:24:13,380 [laughter] 571 00:24:16,005 --> 00:24:17,713 [cheering and applause] 572 00:24:21,588 --> 00:24:24,505 'Cause... I listened to it the other day, guys, 573 00:24:24,588 --> 00:24:27,171 and the bit has not aged well. 574 00:24:27,255 --> 00:24:28,296 [laughter] 575 00:24:29,130 --> 00:24:33,880 Like, all the wording I used is the worst possible wording. 576 00:24:33,963 --> 00:24:36,463 And I'm imagining Wendy Williams or whoever 577 00:24:36,546 --> 00:24:38,546 going to one of these clubs where I'm on stage like, 578 00:24:38,630 --> 00:24:42,338 "You know, guys, my favorite musician I've ever met is R. Kelly!" 579 00:24:42,713 --> 00:24:45,588 [dramatic voice] "His favorite musician he's ever met... 580 00:24:46,088 --> 00:24:47,130 is R. Kelly. 581 00:24:47,713 --> 00:24:48,713 And it doesn't end there. 582 00:24:48,796 --> 00:24:51,296 Let's look at a clip from Aziz's second stand-up special, 583 00:24:51,380 --> 00:24:53,546 which came out just two years later." 584 00:24:53,630 --> 00:24:56,130 "You know, guys, in my last special, I talked about R. Kelly. 585 00:24:56,213 --> 00:24:58,088 And I figured I don't need to do that this time, 586 00:24:58,171 --> 00:25:02,046 but here's the problem, R. Kelly keeps doing amazing things! 587 00:25:02,130 --> 00:25:04,005 Amazing things! 588 00:25:04,088 --> 00:25:05,838 Amazing things! 589 00:25:05,921 --> 00:25:07,755 Amazing things! 590 00:25:07,838 --> 00:25:10,963 [deep voice] Amazing things!" 591 00:25:11,046 --> 00:25:11,880 [laughter] 592 00:25:11,963 --> 00:25:12,880 [whistling] 593 00:25:13,463 --> 00:25:14,796 [cheering and applause] 594 00:25:17,713 --> 00:25:19,838 You know what's weird is I was watching that special, 595 00:25:19,921 --> 00:25:22,671 and there was a lot of jokes on there I'd forgotten. 596 00:25:22,755 --> 00:25:24,255 It was, like, ten years old, you know? 597 00:25:24,338 --> 00:25:27,005 There was bits, I was like, "Ooh, I don't know if I'd say that today." 598 00:25:27,088 --> 00:25:29,296 I felt bad. Then I was like, "Eh, that's fine." 599 00:25:29,380 --> 00:25:31,005 That's the way it's supposed to be, right? 600 00:25:31,088 --> 00:25:33,671 If you're the same person you were ten years ago, you're shitty! 601 00:25:33,755 --> 00:25:35,380 Like, you're supposed to change. 602 00:25:36,213 --> 00:25:38,838 But there was jokes on there, like, I wouldn't do that now, you know? 603 00:25:38,921 --> 00:25:42,130 Like, I had this old bit where I used to talk about my little cousin Harris, 604 00:25:42,213 --> 00:25:43,088 -and, uh... -[applause] 605 00:25:43,213 --> 00:25:45,213 Yeah, yeah, thank you, whatever. And, uh... 606 00:25:45,296 --> 00:25:46,296 [laughter] 607 00:25:46,380 --> 00:25:50,296 I-I had this joke in there where I would talk about how he watched weird TV shows 608 00:25:50,380 --> 00:25:51,630 and how he's a little chubby. 609 00:25:51,713 --> 00:25:53,338 I had one bit where I was like, "Know what? 610 00:25:53,421 --> 00:25:55,838 There's not a lot of chubby Indian kids! It's kind of a rarity. 611 00:25:55,921 --> 00:25:59,796 It's kind of like seeing a shooting star, only it's fat, brown, and on the ground." 612 00:26:00,255 --> 00:26:01,255 It's fine, whatever, 613 00:26:01,338 --> 00:26:03,921 but I feel like if I had thought of that joke today, I'd be like, 614 00:26:04,005 --> 00:26:08,255 "Uh, probably no reason to fat shame my little cousin on a global scale. 615 00:26:08,338 --> 00:26:09,255 [laughter] 616 00:26:09,338 --> 00:26:11,296 Maybe I'll tuck that one aside." 617 00:26:11,380 --> 00:26:12,296 [laughter] 618 00:26:12,380 --> 00:26:13,796 But back then, I was 25. 619 00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:16,463 I was like, "I've got to fill this hour, I don't give a shit!" 620 00:26:16,546 --> 00:26:19,505 -[laughter] -I just threw little Harris under the bus. 621 00:26:19,588 --> 00:26:20,796 [laughter] 622 00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:24,005 Well, he is a little chubby, so, technically, I squeezed him in, right? 623 00:26:24,088 --> 00:26:25,171 [laughter] 624 00:26:25,921 --> 00:26:26,963 [laughs] 625 00:26:27,421 --> 00:26:28,546 He's fine. 626 00:26:29,380 --> 00:26:31,755 He got internships and stuff 'cause of that bit. 627 00:26:31,838 --> 00:26:32,713 [laughter] 628 00:26:32,796 --> 00:26:35,380 Yeah! People were like, "What? You're that Harris?" 629 00:26:35,463 --> 00:26:36,380 [laughter] 630 00:26:37,630 --> 00:26:38,755 And he's not chubby no more. 631 00:26:38,838 --> 00:26:41,296 He's like super buff. He goes to gym all the time. 632 00:26:42,046 --> 00:26:44,421 -Probably 'cause he was scarred for life. -[laughter] 633 00:26:44,505 --> 00:26:47,671 "I'm not a shooting star! I'm not a shooting star!" 634 00:26:47,755 --> 00:26:48,713 [laughter] 635 00:26:52,255 --> 00:26:53,421 I watched that, uh... 636 00:26:53,630 --> 00:26:55,755 I watched that Michael Jackson documentary. 637 00:26:56,088 --> 00:26:58,130 Ooh, I don't know if you had a chance to see this one, 638 00:26:58,213 --> 00:27:00,630 but let's just say hypothetically you did 639 00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:03,338 and you're equally as convinced as you are about R. Kelly. 640 00:27:03,421 --> 00:27:05,796 Clap if you're done with Michael Jackson. Clap if you're done. 641 00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:07,171 [moderate applause] 642 00:27:10,046 --> 00:27:13,380 What happened to all them R. Kelly claps? 643 00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:16,171 That was way less people. 644 00:27:16,463 --> 00:27:17,838 You guys are all collectively like, 645 00:27:17,921 --> 00:27:21,005 "Uh, I don't know what to tell you, Aziz. The music's way better. Sorry, I... 646 00:27:21,088 --> 00:27:21,963 [laughter] 647 00:27:22,046 --> 00:27:25,963 I'll take the hit on Kells, but Michael is a bridge I'm not willing to cross. 648 00:27:26,255 --> 00:27:28,505 I got a wedding next month, let's be serious!" 649 00:27:28,588 --> 00:27:29,713 [laughter] 650 00:27:30,296 --> 00:27:31,921 Dan, nothing from you? 651 00:27:32,005 --> 00:27:32,921 [laughter] 652 00:27:33,380 --> 00:27:36,505 Dan's like, "I heard it's, like, two kids. I don't give a shit. 653 00:27:36,796 --> 00:27:39,588 Sorry, Aziz, I'm going home, I'm listening to "Thriller," 654 00:27:39,671 --> 00:27:42,421 I'm watching The Cosby Show and going to bed. Deal with it!" 655 00:27:42,505 --> 00:27:43,588 [laughter] 656 00:27:45,921 --> 00:27:47,213 All right. But, Dan. Okay. 657 00:27:47,296 --> 00:27:50,213 Let's say... let's say another doc comes out. Now it's worse. 658 00:27:50,296 --> 00:27:51,630 Now they're saying it's, like, 659 00:27:52,046 --> 00:27:54,546 a thousand kids. Now are you done with Michael Jackson? 660 00:27:55,671 --> 00:27:57,338 Yeah. See? 661 00:27:57,671 --> 00:28:00,338 Dan is a man of principle, okay? 662 00:28:00,421 --> 00:28:01,380 [laughter] 663 00:28:01,463 --> 00:28:04,338 He was like, "Two kids are one thing, but I got to draw the line somewhere, 664 00:28:04,421 --> 00:28:07,213 and Dan's gonna draw the line at a thousand kids!" 665 00:28:07,296 --> 00:28:08,255 [laughter] 666 00:28:11,505 --> 00:28:14,588 Isn't it weird we're just watching this stuff as entertainment? 667 00:28:14,671 --> 00:28:16,005 Right? Isn't that kind of strange? 668 00:28:16,088 --> 00:28:19,213 Your friends were like, "Oh, man. Have you seen that show 669 00:28:19,296 --> 00:28:23,755 where those two guys graphically describe being molested for four hours?" 670 00:28:24,630 --> 00:28:25,546 "No." 671 00:28:25,630 --> 00:28:26,630 [laughter] 672 00:28:26,713 --> 00:28:28,671 "You gotta watch it!" 673 00:28:28,755 --> 00:28:30,213 [laughter] 674 00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:34,505 I don't know what went down, 675 00:28:34,588 --> 00:28:39,005 but I will say that it did seem like something weird was happening 676 00:28:39,088 --> 00:28:40,713 and that Michael was kind of a sick guy. 677 00:28:40,796 --> 00:28:44,255 And I wish the people around him had done more to get him help. 678 00:28:44,838 --> 00:28:45,671 You know? 679 00:28:46,046 --> 00:28:48,921 Like... like, he would bring these kids on tour and stuff. 680 00:28:49,213 --> 00:28:52,963 I've been on tour. I know what it's like. There are plenty of other people around. 681 00:28:53,046 --> 00:28:55,255 I got a tour manager, I got opening comedians, 682 00:28:55,338 --> 00:28:56,630 I got the venue staff. 683 00:28:56,713 --> 00:28:59,963 I feel like if I showed up on a Friday and I was like, 684 00:29:00,046 --> 00:29:02,546 "Hey, guys. This is Justin. He's gonna be with me all week." 685 00:29:02,630 --> 00:29:03,880 [laughter] 686 00:29:10,005 --> 00:29:16,963 "Um... 687 00:29:17,046 --> 00:29:19,755 -Aziz, Justin's six." -[laughter] 688 00:29:20,255 --> 00:29:21,463 "But he's my friend." 689 00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:25,421 -"Um... -[laughter] 690 00:29:25,963 --> 00:29:28,255 Maybe you need some friends your own age." 691 00:29:28,588 --> 00:29:31,296 "Uh, but I didn't have a childhood. I'm Peter Pan." 692 00:29:31,380 --> 00:29:32,505 [laughter] 693 00:29:33,005 --> 00:29:35,755 "No, you might be a pedophile. Come on Justin. 694 00:29:35,838 --> 00:29:37,338 Let's get you to your parents. 695 00:29:37,546 --> 00:29:40,088 Have a talk with your mom about her priorities." 696 00:29:40,171 --> 00:29:41,505 [laughter] 697 00:29:44,088 --> 00:29:45,046 [laughs] 698 00:29:45,755 --> 00:29:46,921 [laughter] 699 00:29:47,671 --> 00:29:48,796 Stand up for a second. 700 00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:49,963 [laughter] 701 00:29:50,796 --> 00:29:52,130 I don't know this kid. 702 00:29:52,213 --> 00:29:53,255 [laughter] 703 00:29:54,546 --> 00:29:55,963 [cheering and applause] 704 00:29:56,046 --> 00:29:56,921 [laughs] 705 00:29:57,338 --> 00:29:58,963 You could have played Justin. 706 00:29:59,046 --> 00:30:00,005 [laughter] 707 00:30:00,796 --> 00:30:03,880 This is my friend Justin. He's gonna be with me all week. [laughs] 708 00:30:03,963 --> 00:30:05,838 [laughter and applause] 709 00:30:05,921 --> 00:30:07,130 [cheering] 710 00:30:11,130 --> 00:30:14,046 Why the fuck are you sitting in the front row of this show? 711 00:30:14,130 --> 00:30:15,380 [laughter] 712 00:30:17,755 --> 00:30:18,963 [cheering] 713 00:30:24,421 --> 00:30:26,421 What was that, dad and two sons? 714 00:30:26,505 --> 00:30:28,921 Well, uh... you know... 715 00:30:29,255 --> 00:30:30,588 [laughter] 716 00:30:31,255 --> 00:30:34,421 If that ends up in a special, mom is not gonna be pleased. 717 00:30:34,505 --> 00:30:35,338 [laughter] 718 00:30:35,421 --> 00:30:37,213 [angrily] "Way to go, Dad!" 719 00:30:37,296 --> 00:30:38,463 [laughter] 720 00:30:43,213 --> 00:30:44,255 What is your name? 721 00:30:44,338 --> 00:30:45,171 I'm Tyler. 722 00:30:45,255 --> 00:30:47,630 -[Aziz] Tyler. And the other kid's name? -I'm Dylan. 723 00:30:47,713 --> 00:30:50,921 Dylan. Tyler and Dylan. Okay. How old are you, Tyler? 724 00:30:51,255 --> 00:30:52,130 -Ten. -[Aziz] Ten? 725 00:30:52,213 --> 00:30:53,255 Oh, shit! 726 00:30:53,338 --> 00:30:54,630 [laughter] 727 00:30:54,713 --> 00:30:56,463 Perfectly cast! 728 00:30:56,546 --> 00:30:57,963 [laughter] 729 00:31:00,963 --> 00:31:02,046 Jesus. 730 00:31:02,130 --> 00:31:03,213 [laughter] 731 00:31:03,796 --> 00:31:04,838 What's your name, Dad? 732 00:31:05,296 --> 00:31:07,130 -Uh, Ben. -[Aziz] Ben, okay. 733 00:31:08,588 --> 00:31:11,255 [sighs] You made an awkward decision bringing these kids. 734 00:31:11,338 --> 00:31:12,505 [laughter] 735 00:31:17,713 --> 00:31:20,213 You know, the other thing that's tricky about the Michael thing is 736 00:31:20,296 --> 00:31:22,296 [stammers] I don't know what to think 737 00:31:22,380 --> 00:31:24,255 'cause I have the internet, 738 00:31:24,546 --> 00:31:28,380 and the internet can confirm anything you want to believe, right? 739 00:31:28,921 --> 00:31:33,171 You know, I can go on there, I can type "Michael Jackson guilty." 740 00:31:33,421 --> 00:31:34,671 And I'll be like, "What? 741 00:31:34,755 --> 00:31:35,755 [laughter] 742 00:31:35,838 --> 00:31:39,046 Michael is a monster. I can't believe he'd do that." 743 00:31:39,546 --> 00:31:40,755 But then, I can go on there, 744 00:31:40,838 --> 00:31:43,296 I can go on YouTube and type "Michael Jackson innocent," 745 00:31:43,380 --> 00:31:44,671 and be like, "What? 746 00:31:45,421 --> 00:31:47,088 Those kids set him up!" 747 00:31:47,171 --> 00:31:48,296 [laughter] 748 00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:50,171 I don't know what to believe, 749 00:31:50,255 --> 00:31:53,505 'cause a YouTube video can convince you of anything! 750 00:31:54,130 --> 00:31:56,505 I watched a YouTube video once, I was like, "Whoa, 751 00:31:56,588 --> 00:31:58,380 am I in the Illuminati? 752 00:31:58,463 --> 00:32:00,296 -Like... -[laughter] 753 00:32:00,380 --> 00:32:03,255 This is some compelling evidence they've put together." 754 00:32:03,588 --> 00:32:07,380 I watched this video, it's like, "Aziz Ansari: illuminati. 755 00:32:07,463 --> 00:32:09,463 Look at his name. How does he spell it? 756 00:32:09,546 --> 00:32:12,213 Two As. What do As have on the top of them? Triangles. 757 00:32:12,296 --> 00:32:13,421 Two triangles. 758 00:32:13,505 --> 00:32:15,630 What else does he have in his name? Two Is. 759 00:32:15,713 --> 00:32:17,796 A-Z-I-Z, A-N-S-A-R-I. 760 00:32:17,880 --> 00:32:19,505 Two Is, two triangles. 761 00:32:19,588 --> 00:32:21,546 What does he have in his head? Two eyes. 762 00:32:21,630 --> 00:32:24,671 Aziz Ansari: illuminati." 763 00:32:24,755 --> 00:32:26,088 [laughter] 764 00:32:26,171 --> 00:32:27,880 [cheering and applause] 765 00:32:32,671 --> 00:32:33,546 [sighs] 766 00:32:35,546 --> 00:32:36,713 If Michael did do this stuff, 767 00:32:36,796 --> 00:32:39,880 it's created, you know, a weird cultural conundrum for us. 768 00:32:40,338 --> 00:32:42,755 You know. 'Cause, you know, music's very visceral. 769 00:32:42,838 --> 00:32:44,296 It becomes a part of your life. 770 00:32:44,380 --> 00:32:47,130 You know, my first memory of music itself, 771 00:32:47,588 --> 00:32:51,463 is when I was probably not that much younger than Tyler. 772 00:32:51,546 --> 00:32:52,505 And I remember... 773 00:32:52,588 --> 00:32:53,463 [laughter] 774 00:32:53,546 --> 00:32:58,171 ...listening to a Michael Jackson cassette, to Thriller. 775 00:32:58,255 --> 00:32:59,796 That was my first memory of music ever. 776 00:32:59,880 --> 00:33:02,588 What's your first memory of music ever, Tyler? Like, the first song 777 00:33:02,671 --> 00:33:04,755 you remember putting on and listening to, you remember? 778 00:33:04,838 --> 00:33:07,463 -Probably "Thriller", actually. -Probably "Thriller"? 779 00:33:08,255 --> 00:33:09,130 Which song? 780 00:33:10,005 --> 00:33:11,713 -What do you mean? -Which song from Thriller? 781 00:33:11,796 --> 00:33:13,880 Oh, "Thriller", the song "Thriller"? Oh, okay. 782 00:33:14,546 --> 00:33:17,255 But how do you erase that stuff from your life, Tyler? 783 00:33:17,546 --> 00:33:19,213 [laughter] 784 00:33:24,296 --> 00:33:26,088 It becomes a part of you, right? 785 00:33:27,921 --> 00:33:30,463 You know what I always thought would be the craziest conundrum? 786 00:33:30,546 --> 00:33:32,380 What if in 1999, 787 00:33:32,963 --> 00:33:34,713 Osama bin Laden put out... 788 00:33:35,380 --> 00:33:36,880 an incredible jazz album? 789 00:33:36,963 --> 00:33:38,296 [laughter] 790 00:33:40,130 --> 00:33:42,046 And people are like, "This is seminal work. 791 00:33:42,130 --> 00:33:44,880 This is Miles Coltrane bin Laden," right? 792 00:33:44,963 --> 00:33:45,838 [laughter] 793 00:33:45,921 --> 00:33:48,671 Then that day, you're watching the news, and the anchor's on there like, 794 00:33:48,755 --> 00:33:50,880 "Uh, it appears the perpetrator of the attacks was... 795 00:33:51,171 --> 00:33:53,296 jazz legend, Osama bin Laden? 796 00:33:53,380 --> 00:33:54,380 [laughter] 797 00:33:54,463 --> 00:33:57,338 The saxophone player? Are we sure it's the same guy? 798 00:33:57,796 --> 00:33:59,880 Oh, my God, we're in complete shock here in the studio. 799 00:33:59,963 --> 00:34:02,880 Uh, right now we have the representative from his record label on the phone, 800 00:34:02,963 --> 00:34:05,171 this is Darren from Bop Boppity Bop Bop Records. 801 00:34:05,255 --> 00:34:06,963 Darren, what do you think about all this?" 802 00:34:07,671 --> 00:34:10,421 "I'm in... I'm in complete shock. I-I can't believe it. 803 00:34:10,505 --> 00:34:13,796 I was with him a couple of weeks ago, he couldn't have been a nicer guy." 804 00:34:13,880 --> 00:34:15,338 "Really? A nice guy?" 805 00:34:15,630 --> 00:34:18,296 "Well, I mean, you know, he helped me move into my apartment. 806 00:34:18,380 --> 00:34:19,880 -Uh... -[laughter] 807 00:34:19,963 --> 00:34:22,838 Used to always pick me up at the airport. Uh... 808 00:34:22,921 --> 00:34:26,088 Shit. I should probably tell the FBI about that. Uh... 809 00:34:26,171 --> 00:34:27,588 -[laughter] -[inhales deeply] 810 00:34:27,671 --> 00:34:29,630 [sighs] But I really can't believe it." 811 00:34:31,046 --> 00:34:32,796 "And what about the music, Darren?" 812 00:34:33,921 --> 00:34:35,713 [sighs] "Well, you know, we just... 813 00:34:36,713 --> 00:34:38,838 recorded this Christmas album with Michael Bublé, 814 00:34:38,921 --> 00:34:40,296 -and, uh... -[laughter] 815 00:34:40,630 --> 00:34:41,713 I got to be honest, 816 00:34:42,296 --> 00:34:43,130 it's sick. 817 00:34:43,213 --> 00:34:44,380 [laughter] 818 00:34:45,338 --> 00:34:46,171 But... 819 00:34:47,130 --> 00:34:49,255 we're probably gonna have to shelve it." 820 00:34:49,755 --> 00:34:51,755 "Probably will have to shelve it. 821 00:34:52,255 --> 00:34:54,921 I think this might be a question on a lot of jazz lovers' minds today: 822 00:34:55,005 --> 00:34:57,838 Are we still going to be able to enjoy this music? 823 00:34:58,296 --> 00:35:00,630 Uh, let's see what the viewers think. Let's go to the phones. 824 00:35:00,713 --> 00:35:02,755 We have a gentleman calling from Brooklyn, New York. 825 00:35:02,838 --> 00:35:04,838 This is Dan Greenblatt. 826 00:35:04,921 --> 00:35:06,796 -Dan, what do you think?" -[laughter] 827 00:35:06,880 --> 00:35:09,838 "Meh, it's not like it was a thousand buildings." 828 00:35:09,921 --> 00:35:11,255 [laughter] 829 00:35:11,338 --> 00:35:12,588 [applause] 830 00:35:14,296 --> 00:35:15,421 [cheering] 831 00:35:16,963 --> 00:35:17,796 Um... 832 00:35:18,296 --> 00:35:21,171 Oh. I don't know what's gonna happen to Michael, but... 833 00:35:21,963 --> 00:35:24,630 I think R. Kelly's in a little bit of a pickle. 834 00:35:24,713 --> 00:35:27,005 Uh... it seems like he's getting charged. 835 00:35:27,088 --> 00:35:31,005 All of the companies have abandoned him. RCA, Sony, all these places. 836 00:35:31,088 --> 00:35:34,421 You know, nowadays, you know, you have a big corporation, 837 00:35:34,505 --> 00:35:37,546 even one employee does something, the whole company's under fire, right? 838 00:35:37,630 --> 00:35:40,005 You know, we saw this with this whole Pizza Hut thing, right? 839 00:35:40,088 --> 00:35:42,046 Guy orders a pepperoni pizza. 840 00:35:42,130 --> 00:35:43,171 He gets the pizza, 841 00:35:43,255 --> 00:35:46,255 the pepperonis are arranged to look like a swastika. 842 00:35:46,796 --> 00:35:49,963 But now some people online are saying it doesn't look like a swastika. 843 00:35:50,046 --> 00:35:52,421 They're saying it looks like a regular pizza. 844 00:35:52,505 --> 00:35:54,130 So the internet is split. 845 00:35:54,213 --> 00:35:56,963 I saw it. It kinda looked like a regular pizza to me. 846 00:35:57,046 --> 00:36:00,255 I don't know. What do you guys think? Clap if you think it was a swastika. 847 00:36:00,338 --> 00:36:02,046 Clap if you think it looks like a swastika. 848 00:36:02,130 --> 00:36:03,921 [little applause] 849 00:36:04,005 --> 00:36:05,046 Okay. A couple in the back. 850 00:36:05,130 --> 00:36:07,755 Now clap if you think it just looks like a regular pizza. 851 00:36:08,171 --> 00:36:09,380 [slightly more applause] 852 00:36:09,463 --> 00:36:10,296 Yeah. 853 00:36:10,546 --> 00:36:12,463 So, you, sir, right here... 854 00:36:13,588 --> 00:36:15,838 You-- you think it looks like a regular pizza? 855 00:36:16,255 --> 00:36:19,213 Yeah? [stammers] And what, you think this guy's just lying 856 00:36:19,296 --> 00:36:21,088 to get attention or something like that? Yeah? 857 00:36:21,505 --> 00:36:22,963 And do you remember where you saw it? 858 00:36:23,046 --> 00:36:25,505 'Cause, uh, it was in New York Times and Washington Post, 859 00:36:25,588 --> 00:36:28,421 but Washington Post supposedly accidentally posted 860 00:36:28,505 --> 00:36:30,796 a digitally-altered photo. Do you remember where you saw it? 861 00:36:31,963 --> 00:36:34,046 -Washington Post. -You saw in Washington Post? 862 00:36:34,130 --> 00:36:37,130 Okay. Well, you know what's interesting is, um... 863 00:36:38,213 --> 00:36:40,005 I just made all that up. None of that happened. 864 00:36:40,088 --> 00:36:41,255 [laughter] 865 00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:50,005 I'm not trying to embarrass you, dude, but you and everyone that clapped earlier, 866 00:36:50,088 --> 00:36:51,880 you're the fucking problem, okay? 867 00:36:51,963 --> 00:36:54,380 What are you doing? 868 00:36:55,255 --> 00:36:57,213 This is where we're at now? 869 00:36:59,380 --> 00:37:01,463 You think your opinion's so valuable 870 00:37:01,546 --> 00:37:04,921 you need to chime in on shit that doesn't even exist? 871 00:37:05,005 --> 00:37:06,213 [cheering] 872 00:37:06,296 --> 00:37:09,630 I mean, I do this every night. Every night, people clap. 873 00:37:09,713 --> 00:37:11,088 First, the first group claps. 874 00:37:11,171 --> 00:37:13,130 "Yeah, it's a swastika. That's what the country is. 875 00:37:13,213 --> 00:37:15,755 Trump probably put those pepperonis on there himself!" 876 00:37:15,838 --> 00:37:16,671 [laughter] 877 00:37:16,755 --> 00:37:17,880 Then, the other crew claps. 878 00:37:17,963 --> 00:37:21,671 "No way. The country's way too sensitive. PC police. Snowflakes!" 879 00:37:21,963 --> 00:37:23,380 And what these people don't realize 880 00:37:23,463 --> 00:37:25,880 is despite believing completely different things, 881 00:37:26,088 --> 00:37:27,755 they're actually the same person. 882 00:37:28,296 --> 00:37:32,338 'Cause they don't really care about learning, and exploring, and discussing, 883 00:37:32,671 --> 00:37:35,963 they just want to chime in with their little programmed reactions. 884 00:37:36,171 --> 00:37:38,296 They already know what they think about everything. 885 00:37:38,505 --> 00:37:40,838 And the rest of you, the ones that didn't clap, 886 00:37:41,213 --> 00:37:42,421 you're not off the hook. 887 00:37:42,505 --> 00:37:43,755 [laughter] 888 00:37:43,838 --> 00:37:47,380 I saw your faces. No one was sitting there like, "Oh, no. This poor guy. 889 00:37:47,463 --> 00:37:48,505 I hope that didn't happen." 890 00:37:48,588 --> 00:37:50,588 No, you were all sitting there 891 00:37:50,963 --> 00:37:53,338 with the same thought running through your head. 892 00:37:54,505 --> 00:37:57,005 -"How did I miss this Pizza Hut thing? -[laughter] 893 00:37:57,088 --> 00:37:58,671 You see the--? You see it? 894 00:37:58,755 --> 00:38:02,171 I watch so much news. I'm watching CNN all goddamn day! 895 00:38:02,255 --> 00:38:03,713 I'm on my phone the rest of the time, 896 00:38:03,796 --> 00:38:06,505 I've had my shit locked up in this stupid pouch for an hour, 897 00:38:06,588 --> 00:38:08,046 and I'm already behind!" 898 00:38:08,130 --> 00:38:09,296 [laughter] 899 00:38:09,963 --> 00:38:11,463 [cheering and applause] 900 00:38:15,130 --> 00:38:17,921 By the way, you had to be a little skeptical of this thing, 901 00:38:18,005 --> 00:38:21,380 'cause, you know, if this happened, it wouldn't have been a Pizza Hut, 902 00:38:21,463 --> 00:38:23,338 it would've happened at Papa John's. 903 00:38:23,421 --> 00:38:24,755 [laughter] 904 00:38:24,838 --> 00:38:26,213 [applause] 905 00:38:30,130 --> 00:38:30,963 [woman] Funny! 906 00:38:31,046 --> 00:38:32,338 [chuckles] Cool. 907 00:38:32,421 --> 00:38:33,338 [laughs] 908 00:38:33,421 --> 00:38:35,505 Some lady just yelled, "Funny!" 909 00:38:35,588 --> 00:38:36,671 [laughter] 910 00:38:37,421 --> 00:38:39,463 Unnecessary, but appreciated. 911 00:38:39,546 --> 00:38:40,880 [laughter] 912 00:38:42,505 --> 00:38:45,963 This is why it's cool to come to live stuff. 913 00:38:46,046 --> 00:38:47,671 You never know what's gonna happen, right? 914 00:38:47,755 --> 00:38:48,671 "Funny!" 915 00:38:48,755 --> 00:38:53,171 That's never happened ever in 18 years of doing comedy. 916 00:38:53,255 --> 00:38:54,546 [laughter] 917 00:39:00,713 --> 00:39:01,546 So... 918 00:39:01,630 --> 00:39:02,463 Ooh! 919 00:39:02,963 --> 00:39:05,088 Let's talk about Alzheimer's for a minute. 920 00:39:05,171 --> 00:39:06,380 [laughter] 921 00:39:07,505 --> 00:39:09,546 My grandma has Alzheimer's. 922 00:39:09,963 --> 00:39:12,463 I just saw her in India over the Christmas holiday. 923 00:39:12,755 --> 00:39:14,005 And, um, you know, 924 00:39:14,088 --> 00:39:16,380 I don't know if you've got Alzheimer's people in your life, 925 00:39:16,463 --> 00:39:18,296 but it's a very sad disease. 926 00:39:18,588 --> 00:39:21,255 Uh, she has a caretaker now. This woman named Fatima. 927 00:39:21,505 --> 00:39:25,255 And, uh, Fatima kind of explained to me how you hang out with Alzheimer's people, 928 00:39:25,338 --> 00:39:26,171 'cause, you know, 929 00:39:26,255 --> 00:39:28,713 they have all these little tics and stuff you gotta account for. 930 00:39:28,796 --> 00:39:31,546 Like one thing my grandma would do is she would ask the same questions 931 00:39:31,630 --> 00:39:32,796 over and over, you know? 932 00:39:32,880 --> 00:39:34,880 Like, one thing she kept asking, she kept going, uh, 933 00:39:34,963 --> 00:39:37,130 "Is Aisha in there making samosas?" 934 00:39:38,171 --> 00:39:40,296 And Fatima would go, "Yep, she's in there!" 935 00:39:41,005 --> 00:39:43,880 This was very strange to me 'cause Aisha's her sister... 936 00:39:44,213 --> 00:39:45,630 [whispers] that passed away. 937 00:39:46,088 --> 00:39:48,671 She's definitely not in the kitchen making samosas. 938 00:39:48,755 --> 00:39:49,671 [laughter] 939 00:39:50,630 --> 00:39:51,921 And I asked Fatima, like, 940 00:39:52,005 --> 00:39:53,921 "Why are you saying that? Why are you lying?" 941 00:39:54,005 --> 00:39:57,880 She goes, "Oh, sometimes it's easier that way." 942 00:39:59,213 --> 00:40:01,755 And I was like, "Oh. That seems kind of mean." 943 00:40:01,838 --> 00:40:02,671 [laughter] 944 00:40:03,088 --> 00:40:06,255 But I was there with my girlfriend, right, who's a Caucasian woman. 945 00:40:06,338 --> 00:40:08,630 And every now and then, we'd be sitting around, 946 00:40:08,713 --> 00:40:11,380 and my grandma would just go, "Who's this white lady?" 947 00:40:11,463 --> 00:40:12,421 [laughter] 948 00:40:13,588 --> 00:40:15,671 I'd go, "It's my girlfriend, Grandma." 949 00:40:15,755 --> 00:40:17,005 "Does that mean it's your wife?" 950 00:40:17,088 --> 00:40:18,296 "No, no, no. We're just dating. 951 00:40:18,380 --> 00:40:20,630 Love each other very much, might get married in the future, 952 00:40:20,713 --> 00:40:22,921 but she's very important to me, I wanted you to meet her." 953 00:40:23,005 --> 00:40:24,255 "Oh, okay." Blah, blah, blah. 954 00:40:24,338 --> 00:40:26,213 -"Who's this white lady?" -[laughter] 955 00:40:26,296 --> 00:40:27,588 "It's my girlfriend, grandma." 956 00:40:27,671 --> 00:40:28,546 "Is that your wife?" 957 00:40:28,630 --> 00:40:30,421 "No, no, We're just dating, might get married. 958 00:40:30,505 --> 00:40:32,046 Love each other. She's someone important. 959 00:40:32,130 --> 00:40:33,796 Wanted you to meet her." "Okay." Blah, blah. 960 00:40:33,880 --> 00:40:35,213 Who's this white lady?" 961 00:40:35,630 --> 00:40:37,546 Um, "The British are back, Grandma. 962 00:40:37,630 --> 00:40:38,921 [laughter] 963 00:40:43,921 --> 00:40:46,671 And... we're gonna need to see your papers." 964 00:40:46,755 --> 00:40:47,880 [laughter] 965 00:40:52,546 --> 00:40:53,463 [clears throat] 966 00:40:53,546 --> 00:40:56,421 The saddest thing that happened was when my grandma goes, uh... 967 00:40:56,546 --> 00:40:59,213 At one point, she kept asking me to stay with her a little bit longer. 968 00:40:59,296 --> 00:41:01,505 She was like, "Why don't you stay here a couple of nights, 969 00:41:01,588 --> 00:41:03,005 spend some time with your grandma?" 970 00:41:03,088 --> 00:41:04,796 I was like, "Oh, I can't, Grandma. 971 00:41:04,880 --> 00:41:06,921 I've got to head back and get ready for my tour." 972 00:41:07,005 --> 00:41:08,005 She was like, "Oh, okay. 973 00:41:08,088 --> 00:41:10,005 Hey, why don't you stay here for a couple of days, 974 00:41:10,088 --> 00:41:11,463 spend some time with your grandma?" 975 00:41:11,546 --> 00:41:12,713 I was like, "I can't, Grandma. 976 00:41:12,796 --> 00:41:14,963 I gotta fly back tomorrow and get ready for my tour." 977 00:41:15,046 --> 00:41:15,880 "Oh, okay." 978 00:41:15,963 --> 00:41:18,630 She kept asking me. I kept saying my thing. 979 00:41:19,171 --> 00:41:21,213 And it was killing me because... 980 00:41:22,255 --> 00:41:23,421 I knew it wasn't true. 981 00:41:23,713 --> 00:41:24,921 [laughter] 982 00:41:25,005 --> 00:41:25,838 I mean... 983 00:41:26,421 --> 00:41:27,921 I had a flight the next day, 984 00:41:28,005 --> 00:41:31,213 but I could've rearranged some things and stayed a little longer. 985 00:41:31,880 --> 00:41:33,838 But I'm not that good a person. 986 00:41:33,921 --> 00:41:35,088 [laughter] 987 00:41:35,171 --> 00:41:38,421 I'm one afternoon good, I'm not two nights good. 988 00:41:38,505 --> 00:41:39,671 [laughter] 989 00:41:40,505 --> 00:41:43,963 And, uh, she asked me again, and I was about to go into my spiel, 990 00:41:44,046 --> 00:41:46,088 and then Fatima just taps me on the shoulder, 991 00:41:46,171 --> 00:41:47,088 and she just goes, 992 00:41:47,546 --> 00:41:49,130 "Just tell her you're staying." 993 00:41:49,213 --> 00:41:50,546 [laughter] 994 00:41:53,380 --> 00:41:54,755 And I was like, "Oh, man... 995 00:41:55,671 --> 00:41:57,130 I'm a bad grandson, but... 996 00:41:57,838 --> 00:42:01,421 you're like a demon or something. I'm not doing that! That's mean!" 997 00:42:01,505 --> 00:42:03,130 "Yeah, Grandma, I'll be here all week! 998 00:42:03,213 --> 00:42:06,630 And guess who else is here? Aisha, bring out those samosas!" 999 00:42:06,713 --> 00:42:07,880 [laughter] 1000 00:42:07,963 --> 00:42:08,963 [applause] 1001 00:42:12,630 --> 00:42:14,421 It's hard seeing my grandma that way, though, 1002 00:42:14,505 --> 00:42:17,630 'cause I remember her when she was younger, you know? 1003 00:42:18,296 --> 00:42:20,796 And that's a scary thing when you get to the age I'm at. 1004 00:42:20,880 --> 00:42:21,880 I'm 36 now, so, 1005 00:42:21,963 --> 00:42:23,380 I've seen people get old. 1006 00:42:23,463 --> 00:42:25,296 I see what old age can do to people. 1007 00:42:25,630 --> 00:42:27,546 When you're younger and you meet people that old, 1008 00:42:27,630 --> 00:42:30,838 you only knew them in the deteriorated state, right? 1009 00:42:31,046 --> 00:42:33,338 Like, if you ever met your great-grandma, 1010 00:42:33,421 --> 00:42:35,963 the first time you met her, she was like, "Aah!" 1011 00:42:36,046 --> 00:42:37,921 Uh, "Hi, Great-grandma Carol." 1012 00:42:38,005 --> 00:42:39,255 [yelling] 1013 00:42:40,005 --> 00:42:42,213 You didn't know her when she was jumping rope or whatever. 1014 00:42:42,296 --> 00:42:46,171 Like, you only knew her as this Star Wars villain-type person. 1015 00:42:46,255 --> 00:42:47,380 [laughter] 1016 00:42:49,255 --> 00:42:51,671 But now, you see that change. 1017 00:42:52,380 --> 00:42:53,421 It's very scary. 1018 00:42:54,130 --> 00:42:57,588 'Cause you realize that's coming for us all, right? 1019 00:42:58,171 --> 00:42:59,463 It's coming for us. 1020 00:43:00,255 --> 00:43:01,796 It's coming for our parents. 1021 00:43:02,880 --> 00:43:05,046 [whispers] That's when it gets scary, right? 1022 00:43:05,296 --> 00:43:07,130 You start thinking about your folks. 1023 00:43:07,630 --> 00:43:08,796 I'm very lucky, 1024 00:43:09,255 --> 00:43:11,463 both of my parents are still alive and well, 1025 00:43:11,546 --> 00:43:12,880 still have it all up here. 1026 00:43:13,921 --> 00:43:16,421 And I completely take it for granted. 1027 00:43:17,588 --> 00:43:19,963 I don't call 'em enough. I don't see 'em enough. 1028 00:43:21,505 --> 00:43:22,838 You see your folks enough? 1029 00:43:23,421 --> 00:43:26,880 How often you see them? What, two or three times a year? 1030 00:43:27,880 --> 00:43:29,088 What have they got left? 1031 00:43:29,963 --> 00:43:30,963 Maybe 20 years? 1032 00:43:32,046 --> 00:43:32,921 That's... 1033 00:43:33,421 --> 00:43:35,838 60 more times you get to see 'em. 1034 00:43:37,046 --> 00:43:37,963 That's it. 1035 00:43:38,588 --> 00:43:40,255 Sixty more times. 1036 00:43:41,296 --> 00:43:42,796 Sixty more hangs. 1037 00:43:44,838 --> 00:43:46,380 Are you making the most of these hangs? 1038 00:43:47,338 --> 00:43:49,421 Are you creating cherished memories? 1039 00:43:51,213 --> 00:43:53,505 You know what? Everyone just close your eyes for a second. 1040 00:43:53,588 --> 00:43:55,421 Close your eyes for a second. Close your eyes. 1041 00:43:59,130 --> 00:44:01,213 Come on, man. Let's close 'em. You're the only one. 1042 00:44:01,296 --> 00:44:02,880 [laughter] 1043 00:44:03,838 --> 00:44:07,213 Just think back to that last weekend you saw your parents, right? 1044 00:44:08,963 --> 00:44:10,546 Think about everything you did. 1045 00:44:13,588 --> 00:44:15,671 Hone in on your most cherished memory. 1046 00:44:17,796 --> 00:44:20,880 And when you've got your memory, just raise your hand. 1047 00:44:25,130 --> 00:44:27,046 There's, like, five hands right now. 1048 00:44:27,130 --> 00:44:28,088 [laughter] 1049 00:44:28,171 --> 00:44:31,838 You know why? 'Cause we all had the same shitty weekend, okay? 1050 00:44:32,130 --> 00:44:34,921 I know what you did, 'cause I did the same thing. 1051 00:44:35,213 --> 00:44:36,546 You show up late on a Friday like, 1052 00:44:36,630 --> 00:44:38,880 "All right, well, I better unpack my stuff and get to bed." 1053 00:44:38,963 --> 00:44:41,796 "All right, we'll see you in the morning." Day one done. 1054 00:44:41,880 --> 00:44:43,171 [laughter] 1055 00:44:44,171 --> 00:44:48,588 Then, you wake up early the next day at like... 11:30. 1056 00:44:48,671 --> 00:44:50,005 [laughter] 1057 00:44:50,088 --> 00:44:52,921 go in the kitchen, making coffee. "Oh, you guys got a new coffee machine." 1058 00:44:53,005 --> 00:44:54,505 "Yeah, we like it." 1059 00:44:54,588 --> 00:44:55,463 [laughter] 1060 00:44:55,546 --> 00:44:57,421 Conversation done. 1061 00:44:57,505 --> 00:44:58,838 [laughter] 1062 00:45:00,296 --> 00:45:02,588 The rest of the day, everyone's on their phones, computers, 1063 00:45:02,671 --> 00:45:04,463 doing whatever they can to avoid eye contact 1064 00:45:04,546 --> 00:45:06,213 or any kind of deep conversation. 1065 00:45:06,546 --> 00:45:09,171 At a certain point, collective guilt sets in. 1066 00:45:09,255 --> 00:45:11,505 The entire family convenes in the living room. 1067 00:45:12,130 --> 00:45:13,880 No one knows what the fuck to say. 1068 00:45:13,963 --> 00:45:15,046 [laughter] 1069 00:45:15,130 --> 00:45:17,005 Then, at some point, for some reason, 1070 00:45:17,088 --> 00:45:20,296 you and your entire family watch the film Speed together. 1071 00:45:20,380 --> 00:45:21,755 [laughter] 1072 00:45:22,838 --> 00:45:24,213 And then, it's dinner time. 1073 00:45:24,421 --> 00:45:28,463 One of your parents is like, "Hey, let's go to any restaurant you like. You pick." 1074 00:45:28,546 --> 00:45:31,171 And you're like, "I don't live in this shitty town. You pick!" 1075 00:45:31,755 --> 00:45:33,796 And they're like, "Let's go to that restaurant we like 1076 00:45:33,880 --> 00:45:36,338 and don't realize is actually a chain!" 1077 00:45:36,671 --> 00:45:39,963 You show up, you order jalapeno poppers and the fried onion thing. 1078 00:45:40,046 --> 00:45:41,338 You eat all the stuff, come home, 1079 00:45:41,421 --> 00:45:43,588 you take the biggest shit you've had in months. 1080 00:45:43,671 --> 00:45:44,505 [laughter] 1081 00:45:44,588 --> 00:45:47,088 Wake up the next morning, pack your stuff up, 1082 00:45:47,505 --> 00:45:48,380 wheeling it out. 1083 00:45:48,463 --> 00:45:49,630 Just as you're leaving, 1084 00:45:50,380 --> 00:45:52,921 one of your parents finally looks you in the eyes. 1085 00:45:53,588 --> 00:45:54,671 And they're like, uh, 1086 00:45:55,380 --> 00:45:56,963 "Is your life okay?" 1087 00:45:57,046 --> 00:45:58,088 [laughter] 1088 00:45:58,755 --> 00:46:00,005 And it never is. 1089 00:46:00,088 --> 00:46:01,380 [laughter] 1090 00:46:01,463 --> 00:46:03,296 But you're just like, "Yeah!" 1091 00:46:03,380 --> 00:46:04,421 [laughter] 1092 00:46:04,505 --> 00:46:06,630 'Cause we're completely incapable 1093 00:46:07,088 --> 00:46:08,880 of having a real conversation 1094 00:46:09,296 --> 00:46:13,046 with these people we've known our entire lives. 1095 00:46:13,838 --> 00:46:15,796 We do this whole song and dance 1096 00:46:16,338 --> 00:46:18,088 59 more times... 1097 00:46:18,171 --> 00:46:19,380 [laughter] 1098 00:46:23,130 --> 00:46:24,296 And then they're dead. 1099 00:46:24,380 --> 00:46:25,463 [laughter] 1100 00:46:30,046 --> 00:46:32,130 What if I ended the show right there? 1101 00:46:32,213 --> 00:46:33,380 [laughter] 1102 00:46:37,005 --> 00:46:40,046 By the way, poor Tyler. None of this applies to you, dude. 1103 00:46:40,130 --> 00:46:41,213 [laughter] 1104 00:46:41,713 --> 00:46:44,671 He's sitting there like, "My dad's gonna die in 20 years!" 1105 00:46:44,755 --> 00:46:45,713 [laughter] 1106 00:46:48,713 --> 00:46:50,921 You're all good, man. You're with your dad right now. 1107 00:46:51,005 --> 00:46:52,046 It's all good. 1108 00:46:52,130 --> 00:46:54,380 [laughs] He's gonna go home and just hug his mom, 1109 00:46:54,463 --> 00:46:57,046 "Mom, the man said you're gonna die in 20 years!" 1110 00:46:57,130 --> 00:46:58,713 [laughter] 1111 00:47:01,755 --> 00:47:04,588 I'm not saying all this stuff to make us sad, okay? 1112 00:47:04,671 --> 00:47:06,963 I'm saying it to hopefully inspire us 1113 00:47:07,046 --> 00:47:09,755 to talk to these people, get to know 'em, right? 1114 00:47:10,130 --> 00:47:13,338 'Cause when they pass, we're the ones that tell their story, okay? 1115 00:47:13,421 --> 00:47:14,838 You know, we're their biographers. 1116 00:47:14,921 --> 00:47:18,630 And I'm sure they're way more interesting than we give 'em credit for. 1117 00:47:18,713 --> 00:47:20,921 So, next time we're home, I challenge us all, 1118 00:47:21,005 --> 00:47:22,963 sit down with these people, talk to 'em. 1119 00:47:23,046 --> 00:47:25,213 You know? Sit down with your mom and say, "You know what? 1120 00:47:25,296 --> 00:47:26,713 Put away the phones and everything. 1121 00:47:26,796 --> 00:47:28,880 I want to talk to you. I want to learn about your life. 1122 00:47:28,963 --> 00:47:30,713 Tell me your story." And she'll be touched. 1123 00:47:30,796 --> 00:47:34,046 You look her in the eye and you ask her stuff. You go big. 1124 00:47:34,546 --> 00:47:36,005 Say, "So, Mom... 1125 00:47:37,880 --> 00:47:39,213 You ever fuck a black guy? 1126 00:47:39,296 --> 00:47:40,630 [laughter] 1127 00:47:43,630 --> 00:47:44,588 [gasps] 1128 00:47:44,671 --> 00:47:46,796 "Why would you ask me something like that?" 1129 00:47:46,880 --> 00:47:48,005 [laughter] 1130 00:47:48,630 --> 00:47:51,880 "I'm just trying to learn about your life, I don't know. I just want to know things." 1131 00:47:51,963 --> 00:47:54,463 "Well, that seems like a very strange place to start! 1132 00:47:54,796 --> 00:47:56,505 "I don't know. I'm trying." 1133 00:47:56,963 --> 00:47:57,796 [scoffs] 1134 00:48:00,171 --> 00:48:03,005 All right, it was '98, and the Bulls were in their prime. 1135 00:48:03,088 --> 00:48:04,088 [laughter] 1136 00:48:04,171 --> 00:48:05,505 [applause] 1137 00:48:09,921 --> 00:48:12,421 Um... Tyler, you can do that part if you want. 1138 00:48:12,505 --> 00:48:13,880 [laughter] 1139 00:48:14,213 --> 00:48:15,755 [Aziz laughs] 1140 00:48:20,338 --> 00:48:22,171 Tyler, promise me you'll do that. 1141 00:48:22,255 --> 00:48:23,880 -[laughter] -Will you do it? 1142 00:48:24,046 --> 00:48:26,421 Will you do it? Will you do it? Will you do it? 1143 00:48:26,921 --> 00:48:27,921 Yes! 1144 00:48:28,005 --> 00:48:29,421 [cheering and applause] 1145 00:48:30,505 --> 00:48:31,921 [Aziz laughs] 1146 00:48:33,338 --> 00:48:34,921 Mmm... 1147 00:48:36,171 --> 00:48:37,046 Uh... 1148 00:48:38,005 --> 00:48:40,088 I, uh... I'm in a relationship right now. 1149 00:48:40,380 --> 00:48:42,713 -[cheering] -Yeah, a very wonderful woman. 1150 00:48:42,796 --> 00:48:44,463 Uh, we're an interracial couple. 1151 00:48:44,546 --> 00:48:46,713 You know, most people don't care about that. But, uh... 1152 00:48:46,796 --> 00:48:49,546 some people don't like it! 1153 00:48:50,088 --> 00:48:52,380 We kind of get it on two fronts nowadays, you know? 1154 00:48:52,463 --> 00:48:55,505 One front, we get kind of old-school, classic stuff, you know? 1155 00:48:55,588 --> 00:48:57,296 Like, "Y'all don't match!" 1156 00:48:57,380 --> 00:48:58,588 [laughter] 1157 00:48:58,671 --> 00:49:02,088 And you also get kind of new school stuff, like, "Aziz, you're in entertainment, 1158 00:49:02,171 --> 00:49:04,130 you shouldn't be dating outside your ethnicity, 1159 00:49:04,213 --> 00:49:05,213 especially a white person, 1160 00:49:05,296 --> 00:49:09,296 'cause that propagates ideas of white beauty being put on a pedestal!" 1161 00:49:09,463 --> 00:49:12,296 Which is just a fancy way of saying, "Y'all don't match!" 1162 00:49:12,380 --> 00:49:13,588 [laughter] 1163 00:49:14,046 --> 00:49:17,171 'Cause, look, man, I understand. I get the argument, okay? 1164 00:49:17,255 --> 00:49:20,338 But I've dated Indian people. I've dated people of many ethnicities. 1165 00:49:20,421 --> 00:49:22,755 But this is the person I have a deep connection with. 1166 00:49:22,838 --> 00:49:24,171 That's very hard to find. 1167 00:49:24,338 --> 00:49:27,005 And I'm sorry we're not the same skin tone. 1168 00:49:27,088 --> 00:49:28,213 But I'm also kind of tired 1169 00:49:28,296 --> 00:49:31,213 of people telling me what race person I'm allowed to date. 1170 00:49:31,296 --> 00:49:33,421 This has happened my entire life, you know? 1171 00:49:33,505 --> 00:49:34,671 Even when I was a little kid. 1172 00:49:34,755 --> 00:49:38,213 I remember being in first grade, every single kid in the class was white, 1173 00:49:38,296 --> 00:49:40,505 except for me and this little Asian girl. 1174 00:49:40,588 --> 00:49:42,630 And even back then, people used to be like, 1175 00:49:43,255 --> 00:49:46,046 -"All right, Aziz! -[laughter] 1176 00:49:46,130 --> 00:49:49,005 What's going on with you and Christine Li, man? 1177 00:49:49,088 --> 00:49:52,255 I see you two. What's going on over there? 1178 00:49:52,338 --> 00:49:56,463 Come on, man. You look weird. She looks weird... 1179 00:49:56,546 --> 00:49:57,713 [laughter] 1180 00:49:57,796 --> 00:49:59,255 Let's do this!" 1181 00:50:00,671 --> 00:50:02,588 Then 20-odd years later, I get into show business, 1182 00:50:02,671 --> 00:50:04,046 it's the same thing, right? 1183 00:50:04,296 --> 00:50:05,421 "All right, Aziz, 1184 00:50:05,505 --> 00:50:07,505 you're an Indian comedy actor... 1185 00:50:07,588 --> 00:50:08,463 [clears throat] 1186 00:50:08,546 --> 00:50:13,255 Mindy Kaling's an Indian comedy actor. What's going on-yam-yam-yam-yam?" 1187 00:50:13,713 --> 00:50:14,880 [laughter] 1188 00:50:16,630 --> 00:50:17,505 Uh... 1189 00:50:18,880 --> 00:50:21,796 You know, uh, my girlfriend, she's Danish, 1190 00:50:21,880 --> 00:50:25,713 so she doesn't even understand some of the racism we deal with sometimes. 1191 00:50:25,796 --> 00:50:28,921 'Cause, you know, they don't have the same kind of racism in Denmark. 1192 00:50:29,005 --> 00:50:32,796 Just culturally, it's different, 'cause they don't have any other races. 1193 00:50:32,880 --> 00:50:33,755 [laughter] 1194 00:50:34,088 --> 00:50:34,963 Just Danish people, 1195 00:50:35,046 --> 00:50:38,046 and the closest thing they've got to minorities is rye bread. 1196 00:50:38,130 --> 00:50:39,380 [laughter] 1197 00:50:39,463 --> 00:50:42,296 So sometimes, I've got to explain stuff to her, you know? 1198 00:50:42,671 --> 00:50:44,796 And, okay, I'm gonna do her voice for this next bit. 1199 00:50:44,880 --> 00:50:46,171 This is not her voice, okay? 1200 00:50:46,255 --> 00:50:47,671 Her... her accent's a little tricky, 1201 00:50:47,755 --> 00:50:49,921 'cause she's lived in a few different parts of the world, 1202 00:50:50,005 --> 00:50:52,338 so, I'm just saying that 'cause I don't want to do this voice 1203 00:50:52,421 --> 00:50:56,713 and people be like, "Whoa, Aziz is dating some Mary Poppins-sounding motherfucker." 1204 00:50:56,796 --> 00:50:57,630 [laughter] 1205 00:50:57,713 --> 00:50:59,505 Anyway, she comes up to me one day, she goes, 1206 00:50:59,838 --> 00:51:02,505 "Darling, I did something a bit naughty. 1207 00:51:02,671 --> 00:51:04,963 Um, I went on some internet forums 1208 00:51:05,046 --> 00:51:07,755 and I saw people have been posting paparazzi photos of us. 1209 00:51:07,838 --> 00:51:09,296 And I'm just wondering, 1210 00:51:09,380 --> 00:51:12,588 why do these people think that my name is Becky?" 1211 00:51:13,005 --> 00:51:13,963 [laughter] 1212 00:51:15,921 --> 00:51:20,046 And I had to explain to her, "No one thinks your name's Becky. 1213 00:51:20,130 --> 00:51:22,796 That's just internet slang making fun of white girls. 1214 00:51:23,130 --> 00:51:26,005 Like the Beyoncé song, "Go call Becky with the good hair." 1215 00:51:26,130 --> 00:51:29,088 "Oh... so it's kind of like a slur? 1216 00:51:29,713 --> 00:51:32,671 Not that bad really, just calling me a different name." 1217 00:51:32,880 --> 00:51:35,421 And then she opened up her umbrella and flew into the sky. 1218 00:51:35,505 --> 00:51:37,005 [laughter] 1219 00:51:37,088 --> 00:51:38,296 [applause] 1220 00:51:39,255 --> 00:51:40,713 One time... [laughs] 1221 00:51:40,796 --> 00:51:42,796 we were walking around in New York, right? 1222 00:51:43,171 --> 00:51:45,296 And we're just holding hands, minding our business. 1223 00:51:45,380 --> 00:51:47,421 Dude just points at us, and he goes, 1224 00:51:47,505 --> 00:51:50,171 "Bet you get a lot of free taxi rides with that one!" 1225 00:51:50,255 --> 00:51:51,171 [audience] Oh! 1226 00:51:51,255 --> 00:51:53,463 Before I could even say anything, my girlfriend just goes, 1227 00:51:53,546 --> 00:51:57,796 "Excuse me, sir. I pay for my fair share of the taxis, thank you very much!" 1228 00:51:58,130 --> 00:51:59,255 [laughter] 1229 00:51:59,338 --> 00:52:03,005 And then just started strutting like she'd dominated the interaction. 1230 00:52:03,088 --> 00:52:04,088 [laughter] 1231 00:52:06,130 --> 00:52:09,546 And... I didn't even get a chance to get angry at this guy 1232 00:52:09,630 --> 00:52:11,630 'cause I was so confused. 1233 00:52:11,713 --> 00:52:12,963 [laughter] 1234 00:52:13,046 --> 00:52:15,630 And I was eventually like, "Why did you say that?" 1235 00:52:16,296 --> 00:52:18,380 She goes, "Well, this gentleman is clearly implying 1236 00:52:18,463 --> 00:52:22,213 that I'm dating you for your wealth and that I am some kind of gold digger." 1237 00:52:22,296 --> 00:52:23,671 [laughter] 1238 00:52:25,088 --> 00:52:26,213 [laughter] 1239 00:52:26,296 --> 00:52:27,338 [applause] 1240 00:52:28,880 --> 00:52:30,755 "That's what you think just happened? 1241 00:52:30,838 --> 00:52:31,796 [laughter] 1242 00:52:31,880 --> 00:52:32,755 No. 1243 00:52:33,463 --> 00:52:36,505 He's making fun of me 'cause I'm Indian. He's saying that I drive a taxi." 1244 00:52:37,005 --> 00:52:40,463 "Hm, well, you don't drive a taxi. Ha-ha!" 1245 00:52:40,546 --> 00:52:41,838 [laughter] 1246 00:52:41,921 --> 00:52:43,421 "No, he knows that. 1247 00:52:43,921 --> 00:52:44,880 [laughter] 1248 00:52:44,963 --> 00:52:46,338 He's just saying that... 1249 00:52:47,046 --> 00:52:49,380 a lot of times you get in a cab, it's a brown guy. 1250 00:52:49,463 --> 00:52:52,046 It's a stereotype. It's a job Indian people have a lot." 1251 00:52:52,130 --> 00:52:54,213 "Mmm, well, a lot of Indian people are doctors as well. 1252 00:52:54,296 --> 00:52:57,338 He could've said, 'Oh, bet you get a lot of free check-ups with that one." 1253 00:52:57,421 --> 00:52:58,380 [laughter] 1254 00:53:00,796 --> 00:53:01,630 Uh... 1255 00:53:02,671 --> 00:53:06,171 "I guess technically, yes, but... why the fuck would he say that? 1256 00:53:06,255 --> 00:53:09,213 That's not... not really what he's going for here, okay? 1257 00:53:09,296 --> 00:53:11,130 He's trying to be demeaning, okay? 1258 00:53:11,213 --> 00:53:14,838 He's not trying to make fun of me for potentially being a doctor. Uh... 1259 00:53:14,921 --> 00:53:15,838 [laughter] 1260 00:53:17,005 --> 00:53:20,796 He's just saying, often you get in a cab, it's a brown guy and he's Indian, okay?" 1261 00:53:20,880 --> 00:53:22,380 "Hm, well, someone send him a memo, 1262 00:53:22,463 --> 00:53:24,880 'cause just 'cause someone's brown doesn't mean they're Indian. 1263 00:53:24,963 --> 00:53:27,296 They could also be Pakistani, Bangladeshi, and many other--" 1264 00:53:27,380 --> 00:53:29,046 [yells] "Yeah, he knows all this! 1265 00:53:29,130 --> 00:53:30,380 [laughter] 1266 00:53:30,463 --> 00:53:33,255 Goddammit, Becky, this is what racism is." 1267 00:53:33,338 --> 00:53:34,421 [laughter] 1268 00:53:34,505 --> 00:53:35,671 [applause] 1269 00:53:38,796 --> 00:53:41,338 For birth control stuff, my girlfriend, 1270 00:53:41,421 --> 00:53:42,963 uh, she has an IUD. 1271 00:53:43,546 --> 00:53:44,380 [cheering] 1272 00:53:44,463 --> 00:53:46,255 Got some fans in the house! 1273 00:53:46,338 --> 00:53:47,505 [laughs] 1274 00:53:47,588 --> 00:53:50,005 "Whoo, I have one in my pussy, as well!" 1275 00:53:50,088 --> 00:53:51,130 [laughter] 1276 00:53:52,213 --> 00:53:53,963 [laughing] 1277 00:53:54,046 --> 00:53:56,088 Two people that are sitting pretty close together. 1278 00:53:56,171 --> 00:53:57,713 There's a little cluster. 1279 00:53:57,796 --> 00:53:59,088 [laughter] 1280 00:54:00,463 --> 00:54:02,421 But, you know, my girlfriend has one, 1281 00:54:02,505 --> 00:54:05,713 and she's very surprised that more people in America don't have the IUDs, 1282 00:54:05,796 --> 00:54:07,963 'cause they're very popular in Europe. Here, not as much. 1283 00:54:08,046 --> 00:54:09,838 Here, people are more into the pills. 1284 00:54:09,921 --> 00:54:11,588 If you think about it, I get her confusion, 1285 00:54:11,671 --> 00:54:14,421 'cause the pills really are a crazy product, right? 1286 00:54:14,838 --> 00:54:17,505 Pills are like you and your partner, Lisa and David, 1287 00:54:17,588 --> 00:54:19,213 go to the doctor, you're like, "Uh... 1288 00:54:19,296 --> 00:54:23,171 Yes, um, we're worried about pregnancy but we don't want to use condoms. 1289 00:54:23,255 --> 00:54:24,713 Is there anything we can do?" 1290 00:54:25,046 --> 00:54:27,713 The doctor's like, "Yes. I've got the perfect plan. 1291 00:54:28,338 --> 00:54:30,421 Lisa, I'm gonna give you this pill. 1292 00:54:31,171 --> 00:54:32,421 This pill, uh... 1293 00:54:32,505 --> 00:54:34,421 -this pill's gonna fuck you up. -[laughter] 1294 00:54:34,505 --> 00:54:37,130 It's gonna put a bunch of hormones in your body, it's gonna be weird, 1295 00:54:37,213 --> 00:54:39,880 but I need you to take the pill every day at the same time, okay? 1296 00:54:39,963 --> 00:54:41,505 Every day, same time. 1297 00:54:41,588 --> 00:54:45,088 Don't forget. You forget even once, you'll get pregnant today, okay? 1298 00:54:45,171 --> 00:54:47,546 Every day, same time. 1299 00:54:48,005 --> 00:54:49,630 Don't fuck this up, Lisa! 1300 00:54:49,713 --> 00:54:50,755 [laughter] 1301 00:54:50,838 --> 00:54:52,921 All right, David, this is what you're gonna have to do. 1302 00:54:53,005 --> 00:54:56,713 Nothing. I got you, dog, just go ahead. Drop it in. Have a good time. 1303 00:54:57,421 --> 00:55:00,046 I don't even know why you came to the appointment. You're adorable." 1304 00:55:00,130 --> 00:55:01,255 [laughter] 1305 00:55:02,255 --> 00:55:04,921 Now, the way the IUD thing works... 1306 00:55:06,046 --> 00:55:08,463 The way the IUD thing works is 1307 00:55:08,546 --> 00:55:11,713 there's this little copper guy, and the doctor puts it in there very deep 1308 00:55:11,796 --> 00:55:13,213 in a very painful procedure. 1309 00:55:13,296 --> 00:55:14,880 And it's got these strings on the outside 1310 00:55:14,963 --> 00:55:17,963 so the doctor can take it out if you decide you want to have kids, 1311 00:55:18,046 --> 00:55:20,755 or I guess after, like, seven years, it has to be replaced. 1312 00:55:20,838 --> 00:55:23,630 And, uh, one time, we're doing stuff, 1313 00:55:23,963 --> 00:55:25,296 and I hit the string... 1314 00:55:25,713 --> 00:55:27,588 -[whispers] with my penis. -[laughter] 1315 00:55:27,671 --> 00:55:28,838 And... 1316 00:55:29,463 --> 00:55:30,880 it hurt very badly. 1317 00:55:31,588 --> 00:55:32,671 And, oh, man... 1318 00:55:33,338 --> 00:55:36,380 It's hard to go back in there with that same level of enthusiasm... 1319 00:55:36,463 --> 00:55:37,921 [laughter] 1320 00:55:38,005 --> 00:55:39,671 after an attack. 1321 00:55:40,671 --> 00:55:43,005 I'm trying to think of an analogy. It's like... 1322 00:55:43,088 --> 00:55:45,171 Uh, let's say you're eating a bag of chips, right? 1323 00:55:45,255 --> 00:55:48,046 And... everything's fine, right? You're having the chips... 1324 00:55:48,130 --> 00:55:49,505 "Meh, eh, eh, eh." 1325 00:55:49,588 --> 00:55:51,338 And then one time, you reach for a chip 1326 00:55:51,421 --> 00:55:54,130 and... something bites your dick, right? 1327 00:55:54,213 --> 00:55:55,630 [laughter] 1328 00:55:55,713 --> 00:55:59,463 And the next time you reach for the chips, you're not gonna be like, "Eh..." 1329 00:55:59,546 --> 00:56:02,046 You're gonna be like, "Oh, hold on, don't move the bag. 1330 00:56:02,130 --> 00:56:04,171 I'm coming in. Don't move the bag!" 1331 00:56:04,671 --> 00:56:05,505 It's different. 1332 00:56:05,963 --> 00:56:07,171 [laughter] 1333 00:56:08,338 --> 00:56:10,921 So, this eventually becomes a problem, right? 1334 00:56:11,296 --> 00:56:13,505 And... my girlfriend's like, "We gotta do something. 1335 00:56:13,588 --> 00:56:16,296 I don't like this. Maybe I should go back on the pills." 1336 00:56:16,380 --> 00:56:18,130 "Hey, whatever you want to do is fine with me. 1337 00:56:18,213 --> 00:56:20,463 It doesn't really feel like my place to say, you know?" 1338 00:56:20,546 --> 00:56:23,046 And she's like, "Yeah, I know, but I don't really like the pills." 1339 00:56:23,130 --> 00:56:24,130 I'm like, "Why not?" 1340 00:56:24,213 --> 00:56:26,588 She goes, "Ah, you know. You get very cranky, 1341 00:56:26,671 --> 00:56:28,296 very moody, irritable. 1342 00:56:29,338 --> 00:56:30,713 But I guess I could do it." 1343 00:56:32,463 --> 00:56:33,588 And I was like, "What? 1344 00:56:33,671 --> 00:56:35,046 [laughter] 1345 00:56:35,630 --> 00:56:37,630 These are the two options? 1346 00:56:37,713 --> 00:56:39,005 [laughter] 1347 00:56:40,130 --> 00:56:42,255 Either I risk penal bruising, 1348 00:56:43,255 --> 00:56:47,463 or you just resign yourself to becoming this shittier person? 1349 00:56:47,546 --> 00:56:48,588 [laughter] 1350 00:56:48,671 --> 00:56:50,380 There's got to be another way." 1351 00:56:51,463 --> 00:56:52,463 Sure enough... 1352 00:56:53,463 --> 00:56:58,296 she goes to the doctor, finds out there's this brand new male IUD... 1353 00:56:59,296 --> 00:57:00,588 And I got one put in. 1354 00:57:00,880 --> 00:57:02,088 And now we're all good. 1355 00:57:03,046 --> 00:57:03,880 Yeah. 1356 00:57:04,380 --> 00:57:06,255 So, the way this thing works-- 1357 00:57:06,338 --> 00:57:08,088 There is no male IUD! 1358 00:57:08,171 --> 00:57:10,546 -[laughter] -Look how excited people got! 1359 00:57:10,630 --> 00:57:12,546 This lady in the front just pulled out her phone, 1360 00:57:12,630 --> 00:57:14,880 "I'm calling to make an appointment for my boyfriend. 1361 00:57:14,963 --> 00:57:15,838 [laughter] 1362 00:57:15,921 --> 00:57:17,755 What time do you open? Uh, eight o'clock? 1363 00:57:17,838 --> 00:57:19,296 Yeah, he'll be there at 7:15. 1364 00:57:19,380 --> 00:57:20,630 [laughter] 1365 00:57:20,713 --> 00:57:22,588 Let's go ahead and put two of those guys in there 1366 00:57:22,671 --> 00:57:24,796 in case one of them breaks down, and, uh... 1367 00:57:24,880 --> 00:57:28,338 Please, tuck those strings in nicely, I don't want anything poking my pussy. 1368 00:57:28,880 --> 00:57:31,713 Uh, his name? Uh, it's Dan Greenblatt. That's right." 1369 00:57:31,796 --> 00:57:32,838 [laughter] 1370 00:57:32,921 --> 00:57:33,963 [applause] 1371 00:57:37,421 --> 00:57:38,546 Oh... 1372 00:57:40,130 --> 00:57:42,713 Dan, glad you came out tonight. 1373 00:57:42,796 --> 00:57:44,380 [laughter] 1374 00:57:44,713 --> 00:57:46,421 I'm glad you all came out tonight. 1375 00:57:46,921 --> 00:57:48,421 -[cheering] -And... yeah. 1376 00:57:48,505 --> 00:57:50,005 [cheering and applause] 1377 00:57:54,921 --> 00:57:55,963 I really mean that. 1378 00:57:56,505 --> 00:57:58,713 I really am very grateful you came, you know? 1379 00:57:58,796 --> 00:58:01,671 'Cause, you know, I've done a lot of shows in my career. 1380 00:58:01,755 --> 00:58:03,755 At the end of the shows, I'd always go, 1381 00:58:03,838 --> 00:58:05,588 "Good night. Thank you very much!" 1382 00:58:06,338 --> 00:58:07,463 But the truth is, 1383 00:58:08,171 --> 00:58:09,505 I never really meant it. 1384 00:58:09,588 --> 00:58:11,296 [laughter] 1385 00:58:11,380 --> 00:58:15,588 I was just saying that 'cause it's what you say at the end of a show, right? 1386 00:58:15,880 --> 00:58:18,588 I mean, sure, I was grateful. I'm not a dick. 1387 00:58:18,671 --> 00:58:21,338 But... I wasn't grateful enough. 1388 00:58:22,046 --> 00:58:25,546 I didn't really think about what it means that all you guys came out. 1389 00:58:25,630 --> 00:58:29,088 But now, when I see you guys here, it hits me in a different way. 1390 00:58:29,630 --> 00:58:32,796 I think about what it means that all you guys, 1391 00:58:33,171 --> 00:58:34,380 you drove down here, 1392 00:58:34,838 --> 00:58:36,005 you waited in line. 1393 00:58:36,505 --> 00:58:38,005 And you did all of this stuff 1394 00:58:38,380 --> 00:58:41,796 just to hear me talk into a microphone 1395 00:58:42,338 --> 00:58:43,588 for, like, an hour or so. 1396 00:58:44,630 --> 00:58:46,671 And it means the world to me, 1397 00:58:47,338 --> 00:58:48,213 'cause... 1398 00:58:48,838 --> 00:58:50,088 I saw the world... 1399 00:58:51,671 --> 00:58:53,921 where I don't ever get to do this again. 1400 00:58:56,088 --> 00:58:56,921 And... 1401 00:58:58,338 --> 00:59:00,963 it almost felt like I'd died. 1402 00:59:03,130 --> 00:59:04,046 In a way... 1403 00:59:04,963 --> 00:59:05,796 I did. 1404 00:59:08,046 --> 00:59:12,088 That old Aziz who said, "Oh, treat yo' self," whatever, he's dead. 1405 00:59:12,505 --> 00:59:14,005 [laughter] 1406 00:59:14,671 --> 00:59:15,630 But I'm glad... 1407 00:59:17,505 --> 00:59:18,421 'cause that guy... 1408 00:59:19,588 --> 00:59:21,046 was always looking forward... 1409 00:59:21,755 --> 00:59:23,005 to whatever was next. 1410 00:59:23,671 --> 00:59:25,130 "Oh, am I gonna do another tour? 1411 00:59:25,213 --> 00:59:27,588 Am I gonna do another season of the show?" Blah, blah, blah. 1412 00:59:28,630 --> 00:59:30,255 I don't think that way anymore. 1413 00:59:33,171 --> 00:59:34,338 'Cause I've realized... 1414 00:59:36,671 --> 00:59:37,713 it's all ephemeral. 1415 00:59:39,255 --> 00:59:40,255 All that stuff... 1416 00:59:41,963 --> 00:59:43,130 it can just go away... 1417 00:59:44,171 --> 00:59:45,588 like this... [snaps fingers] 1418 00:59:47,921 --> 00:59:49,338 And all we really have... 1419 00:59:50,796 --> 00:59:52,130 is the moment we're in... 1420 00:59:53,213 --> 00:59:54,671 and the people we're with. 1421 00:59:55,880 --> 00:59:59,005 Now, I talked about my grandma earlier, and it was sad. 1422 00:59:59,713 --> 01:00:02,671 But what I didn't tell you was the whole time when I was with her, 1423 01:00:02,755 --> 01:00:06,838 she was smiling, she was laughing, she was there with me. 1424 01:00:07,088 --> 01:00:08,463 She was present in a way 1425 01:00:08,796 --> 01:00:12,171 no other people I've been around recently have been. 1426 01:00:12,838 --> 01:00:14,463 I've tried to take that with me. 1427 01:00:15,588 --> 01:00:17,005 And Granny, my grandma, 1428 01:00:18,005 --> 01:00:20,005 doesn't have much choice in this matter. 1429 01:00:21,088 --> 01:00:21,921 But I do. 1430 01:00:22,505 --> 01:00:24,588 And that's how I choose to live, 1431 01:00:25,088 --> 01:00:27,963 in the moment I'm in with the people I'm with. 1432 01:00:28,755 --> 01:00:31,546 And right now, this is our moment, right? 1433 01:00:32,505 --> 01:00:35,630 Me, you guys, Dan... 1434 01:00:35,713 --> 01:00:37,755 [laughter] 1435 01:00:37,838 --> 01:00:40,255 Random lady that yelled, "Funny!" 1436 01:00:40,338 --> 01:00:42,046 [laughter] 1437 01:00:44,088 --> 01:00:46,088 Young Tyler who's scarred for life. 1438 01:00:46,171 --> 01:00:47,255 [laughter] 1439 01:00:49,505 --> 01:00:50,588 It's all of us. 1440 01:00:51,046 --> 01:00:53,713 And this is our moment right now. So, you know what? 1441 01:00:54,880 --> 01:00:58,005 Why don't we all just take it in for just a second? 1442 01:01:06,338 --> 01:01:07,255 An on that, 1443 01:01:07,838 --> 01:01:09,213 I'll say good night, 1444 01:01:09,421 --> 01:01:11,213 and thank you very, very much. 1445 01:01:11,296 --> 01:01:12,713 [cheering and applause] 1446 01:01:13,796 --> 01:01:15,171 ["Pale Blue Eyes" plays] 1447 01:01:20,171 --> 01:01:21,046 Thank you. 1448 01:01:21,130 --> 01:01:23,755 ♪ Sometimes I feel so happy ♪ 1449 01:01:26,963 --> 01:01:28,838 ♪ Sometimes I feel so sad ♪ 1450 01:01:28,921 --> 01:01:30,463 Thank you very much, Brooklyn. 1451 01:01:30,921 --> 01:01:32,588 I hope to see you again sometime. 1452 01:01:32,796 --> 01:01:35,380 ♪ Sometimes I feel so happy ♪ 1453 01:01:36,880 --> 01:01:40,671 ♪ But mostly you just make me mad ♪ 1454 01:01:43,088 --> 01:01:46,546 ♪ Baby, you just make me mad ♪ 1455 01:01:50,630 --> 01:01:55,046 ♪ Linger on ♪ 1456 01:01:55,713 --> 01:01:58,671 ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ 1457 01:02:02,296 --> 01:02:06,963 ♪ Linger on ♪ 1458 01:02:07,421 --> 01:02:10,338 ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ 1459 01:02:16,546 --> 01:02:19,005 ♪ Thought of you as my mountaintop ♪ 1460 01:02:22,296 --> 01:02:24,755 ♪ Thought of you as my peak ♪ 1461 01:02:28,296 --> 01:02:30,880 Thought of you as everything 1462 01:02:33,005 --> 01:02:36,005 ♪ I've had but couldn't keep ♪ 1463 01:02:38,796 --> 01:02:41,755 ♪ I've had but couldn't keep ♪ 1464 01:02:46,171 --> 01:02:51,213 ♪ Linger on ♪ 1465 01:02:51,296 --> 01:02:54,255 ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ 1466 01:02:57,880 --> 01:03:02,671 ♪ Linger on ♪ 1467 01:03:02,838 --> 01:03:06,046 ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ 1468 01:03:11,130 --> 01:03:15,296 ♪ If I could make the world as pure ♪ 1469 01:03:16,921 --> 01:03:19,838 ♪ And strange as what I see ♪ 1470 01:03:22,796 --> 01:03:26,296 ♪ I'd put you in the mirror ♪ 1471 01:03:28,588 --> 01:03:31,630 ♪ I put in front of me ♪ 1472 01:03:34,421 --> 01:03:37,171 ♪ I put in front of me ♪ 1473 01:03:41,088 --> 01:03:43,963 ♪ Skip a life completely ♪ 1474 01:03:46,963 --> 01:03:49,338 ♪ Stuff it in a cup ♪ 1475 01:03:52,505 --> 01:03:56,380 ♪ She said, "Money is like us in time ♪ 1476 01:03:57,755 --> 01:04:00,588 ♪ It lies but can't stand up" ♪ 1477 01:04:03,838 --> 01:04:06,255 ♪ Down for you is up ♪ 1478 01:04:10,880 --> 01:04:15,213 ♪ Linger on ♪ 1479 01:04:15,880 --> 01:04:18,921 ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ 1480 01:04:22,505 --> 01:04:27,088 ♪ Linger on ♪ 1481 01:04:27,671 --> 01:04:30,671 ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ 1482 01:04:37,213 --> 01:04:42,088 ♪ Linger on ♪ 1483 01:04:42,338 --> 01:04:45,380 ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ 1484 01:04:48,880 --> 01:04:53,755 ♪ Linger on ♪ 1485 01:04:54,046 --> 01:04:57,296 ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪