0000 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:10,000 YoubetCash.vip Agen Judi Online Aman & Terpercaya 000 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:15,000 Bonus Cashback Bola 6% Bonus Rollingan 0,80% 00 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:20,000 Welcome Bonus Rp 25.000 Extra Bonus Tambahan Withdraw Rp 2.000.000 0 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:25,000 CashBack Mix Parlay 100% Bonus Ajak teman 45,2% 1 00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:05,673 ♪ ♪ 2 00:00:45,129 --> 00:00:47,965 ♪ ♪ 3 00:00:48,132 --> 00:00:51,343 ANNOUNCER: In 1991, she became the first female 4 00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:53,095 late-night talk-show host on a major network. 5 00:00:53,262 --> 00:00:54,847 ANNOUNCER 2: Tonight with Katherine Newbury 6 00:00:55,014 --> 00:00:56,515 is the gold standard... 7 00:00:56,682 --> 00:00:59,059 ANNOUNCER 3: She has hosted over 6,000 episodes, 8 00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:00,978 winning 43 Primetime Emmy Awards... 9 00:01:01,145 --> 00:01:02,354 ANNOUNCER 4: She's brilliant. 10 00:01:02,521 --> 00:01:04,190 She is excellence without compromise. 11 00:01:04,356 --> 00:01:05,524 ANNOUNCER 5: Ladies and gentlemen, 12 00:01:05,691 --> 00:01:06,901 please welcome to the stage 13 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,986 -this year's recipient... -Three, two. 14 00:01:09,153 --> 00:01:11,238 ...of the American Humor Award, 15 00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:15,075 -Katherine Newbury. -(cheering and applause) 16 00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:16,786 KATHERINE: Thank you so much 17 00:01:16,952 --> 00:01:19,705 for this incredible honor, although I do have to say 18 00:01:19,872 --> 00:01:22,333 I think America is in a tough spot if it's giving 19 00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:24,752 this amazing award for American comedy to an Englishwoman. 20 00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:26,212 -(laughter) -I guess they're right-- 21 00:01:26,378 --> 00:01:27,838 foreigners are taking all your jobs. 22 00:01:28,005 --> 00:01:29,507 I mean, what happened? 23 00:01:29,673 --> 00:01:32,426 Is there no one funny left in the country? 24 00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:33,719 Is Martin Short dead? 25 00:01:33,886 --> 00:01:35,012 What about Jerry Seinfeld? 26 00:01:35,179 --> 00:01:36,806 Or how about Alec Baldwin? 27 00:01:36,972 --> 00:01:38,265 I mean, come on. 28 00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:40,351 Did someone blow up the Hamptons? 29 00:01:40,518 --> 00:01:42,645 Whatever the reason, I'm assuming I'm here because, 30 00:01:42,812 --> 00:01:47,024 28 years ago, you gave me the greatest honor of my life. 31 00:01:47,191 --> 00:01:48,901 You made me the host 32 00:01:49,068 --> 00:01:51,737 of Tonight with Katherine Newbury. 33 00:01:51,904 --> 00:01:53,948 (cheering and applause) 34 00:01:57,868 --> 00:01:59,870 Oh, God. (groans) 35 00:02:00,037 --> 00:02:02,456 I have hated many pairs of shoes in my time, 36 00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:04,542 but none more than these. 37 00:02:04,708 --> 00:02:07,169 And everything hurts. I'm in hell. How are you? 38 00:02:07,336 --> 00:02:09,129 -I liked your speech. -But you have notes. 39 00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:11,048 -I know you have notes. -My only note is 40 00:02:11,215 --> 00:02:13,467 -to drink as much as you want. -I ran into Steve Martin. 41 00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,469 -He sends his love. -He sends his love? 42 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:18,681 Jesus Christ. How sick do people think I am? 43 00:02:18,848 --> 00:02:20,516 Oh, please don't die before I get home. 44 00:02:20,683 --> 00:02:23,102 I haven't got the strength to organize your funeral. 45 00:02:23,269 --> 00:02:26,105 -(chuckles) Go party. -Are you kidding? 46 00:02:26,272 --> 00:02:28,607 My Spanx have actually cut off the blood supply to my head. 47 00:02:28,774 --> 00:02:30,860 -I'm going to bed. -(laughs) 48 00:02:31,026 --> 00:02:32,862 -Good night, my love. -I'll see you tomorrow. 49 00:02:33,028 --> 00:02:35,656 (laughter) 50 00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,449 You know what I hate? 51 00:02:37,616 --> 00:02:38,826 Those friends who are like, 52 00:02:38,993 --> 00:02:40,202 "Oh, can you take off your shoes?" 53 00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:42,496 Nope, not taking 'em off. 54 00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,039 You know why? 55 00:02:44,206 --> 00:02:45,958 'Cause this is not Japan. 56 00:02:46,125 --> 00:02:48,669 It's the United States of America. 57 00:02:48,836 --> 00:02:51,255 Next time you go to a friend's house 58 00:02:51,422 --> 00:02:53,048 and that friend says, "Ooh, hold on, 59 00:02:53,215 --> 00:02:55,217 can you take your shoes off?" here's what you do. 60 00:02:55,384 --> 00:02:57,052 You take one of their shoes, 61 00:02:57,219 --> 00:02:59,346 -and you take a shit in it. -(laughter) 62 00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,098 All right? Right in front of them. 63 00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:03,225 Boom. You're welcome, America. 64 00:03:03,392 --> 00:03:05,895 (sighs): Oh, what a wanker. 65 00:03:06,061 --> 00:03:07,479 (phone ringing) 66 00:03:07,646 --> 00:03:08,522 RECEPTIONIST: Tonight with Katherine Newbury. 67 00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:09,940 So, how did the speech go? 68 00:03:10,107 --> 00:03:11,108 Did you like what the writers wrote? 69 00:03:11,275 --> 00:03:12,818 Well, I kept the last line. 70 00:03:12,985 --> 00:03:15,070 "Thank you for this honor. Good night." 71 00:03:15,237 --> 00:03:16,780 I'll take that as a no. 72 00:03:16,947 --> 00:03:19,408 Okay, so the network has been trying to contact us. 73 00:03:19,575 --> 00:03:21,577 You have to call Caroline back. 74 00:03:21,744 --> 00:03:24,204 Oh, I was just reading about her. Yeah, here. 75 00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:27,374 Listen to this: "As a female president of a network..." 76 00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:30,127 Don't start any sentence with: "As a female..." 77 00:03:30,294 --> 00:03:31,378 So tacky. 78 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:32,963 "I want to remind my network 79 00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:34,381 "that show business is still business. 80 00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:36,050 When I was at Harvard Business School," 81 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:37,927 where, apparently, she majored in name-dropping, 82 00:03:38,093 --> 00:03:40,471 "I learned that if we're not hitting prospective consumers 83 00:03:40,638 --> 00:03:42,848 "in all four quadrants, we are not going to make 84 00:03:43,015 --> 00:03:45,017 a return on our investment." She sounds hilarious. 85 00:03:45,184 --> 00:03:47,311 -I can't wait to call her back. -Great. 86 00:03:47,478 --> 00:03:49,188 And Gabe Eichler is waiting to talk to you. 87 00:03:49,355 --> 00:03:51,982 -I don't know who that is. -He's one of our writers. 88 00:03:53,025 --> 00:03:54,401 Whoopee. 89 00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,153 I'm in a single-income household, 90 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:59,323 and Jen and I just had our second baby, Taylor. 91 00:03:59,490 --> 00:04:01,241 Adorable, huh? 92 00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:03,202 She takes after you. 93 00:04:03,369 --> 00:04:04,495 (chuckling): Yeah. Thanks. 94 00:04:04,662 --> 00:04:06,246 So there's just a lot of expenses 95 00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:09,416 at home right now, and... I think it's time for a raise. 96 00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,752 I see. 97 00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:14,505 This is actually very exciting to me. 98 00:04:14,672 --> 00:04:16,882 -Really? Great. -Because what you're describing 99 00:04:17,049 --> 00:04:20,386 is the most clear-cut example of the classic sexist argument 100 00:04:20,552 --> 00:04:22,554 for the advancement of men in the workplace. 101 00:04:22,721 --> 00:04:24,556 You're asking for a raise not because of 102 00:04:24,723 --> 00:04:25,975 any work-related contribution you've made, 103 00:04:26,141 --> 00:04:27,935 but simply because you have a family. 104 00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:30,854 And that's why, in the 1950s, family men were promoted 105 00:04:31,021 --> 00:04:32,606 over the women they worked with. 106 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,191 I've never encountered it, actually, 107 00:04:34,358 --> 00:04:36,527 in such a clean, teachable way. 108 00:04:36,694 --> 00:04:38,862 I don't think that's at all what's happening. 109 00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:40,406 I can't give you a raise, Gabe. 110 00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:42,658 -It's like giving a raise to a drug addict. -What? 111 00:04:42,825 --> 00:04:44,368 Well, your situations are virtually identical. 112 00:04:44,535 --> 00:04:46,078 A drug addict makes certain decisions 113 00:04:46,245 --> 00:04:48,080 outside of work for their sense of self 114 00:04:48,247 --> 00:04:50,040 and comfort, and then the addiction 115 00:04:50,207 --> 00:04:52,793 demands more time, more energy, more money, just like a child. 116 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,170 -My child's like a drug problem? -Exactly. 117 00:04:55,337 --> 00:04:56,964 You want special treatment. I'm sure you can see 118 00:04:57,131 --> 00:05:00,050 how unfair that would be to a single man or-or woman. 119 00:05:00,217 --> 00:05:01,635 There are no women on this staff. 120 00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:03,387 -Gabe. -And the reason there aren't any women 121 00:05:03,554 --> 00:05:04,763 is because you hate women. 122 00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,932 So you can sit there spouting all this 123 00:05:07,099 --> 00:05:08,225 pseudo-feminist bullshit, but we all know 124 00:05:08,392 --> 00:05:09,560 what's going on here. 125 00:05:09,727 --> 00:05:11,770 We need to hire a woman. 126 00:05:11,937 --> 00:05:14,231 You're fired, obviously. 127 00:05:16,567 --> 00:05:17,860 Just so you know, 128 00:05:18,027 --> 00:05:19,695 this show sucks and has for years. 129 00:05:19,862 --> 00:05:21,613 Everybody's here for the paycheck. 130 00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:24,700 That would mean so much more coming from someone with a job. 131 00:05:24,867 --> 00:05:26,118 (quietly): Sorry, man. 132 00:05:26,285 --> 00:05:27,953 Yeah, sorry. 133 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,831 Bradley, I don't hate women. 134 00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:33,542 I don't think you think you hate women. 135 00:05:33,709 --> 00:05:35,127 What does that mean? 136 00:05:35,294 --> 00:05:37,421 I think you might have a problem with women. 137 00:05:37,588 --> 00:05:39,548 I love Mary Tyler Moore. I love Gilda Radner. 138 00:05:39,715 --> 00:05:42,342 They're both dead. I-I think you have a problem 139 00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:44,053 with living female writers on your staff. 140 00:05:44,219 --> 00:05:45,763 You never want to renew their contracts. 141 00:05:45,929 --> 00:05:47,890 Well, find me one worth keeping. 142 00:05:48,057 --> 00:05:49,892 -Would a gay guy work? -No! 143 00:05:50,059 --> 00:05:51,977 (horns honking) 144 00:05:52,144 --> 00:05:54,104 ♪ ♪ 145 00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:14,500 "I have spread my dreams under your feet. 146 00:06:14,666 --> 00:06:17,961 Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." 147 00:06:18,128 --> 00:06:19,213 God! 148 00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:21,256 Okay, all right, all right. 149 00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:24,676 (elevator bell dings, doors slide open) 150 00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:26,678 (indistinct chatter) 151 00:06:26,845 --> 00:06:28,472 Oh, there's my guy. 152 00:06:28,639 --> 00:06:30,307 -How are you, buddy? Hey. -Good. 153 00:06:30,474 --> 00:06:31,725 You guys remember my little brother, Hayes, right? 154 00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:33,435 -Hey. -He's the funny one in the family. 155 00:06:33,602 --> 00:06:35,896 -Oh. What? -Wait, someone in your family is funny? 156 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:37,356 -(light laughter) -Hey, man. 157 00:06:37,523 --> 00:06:38,774 Hayes, your timing could not be better. 158 00:06:38,941 --> 00:06:40,275 -Gabe got fired last week. -Oh, yeah. 159 00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:42,361 See, Gabe asked if he could go home 160 00:06:42,528 --> 00:06:44,363 and have dinner with his kids. Suicide. 161 00:06:44,530 --> 00:06:46,156 Yeah, so listen, so when you go in there, okay, no commitments. 162 00:06:46,323 --> 00:06:47,491 -Okay. -No girlfriend. All right? 163 00:06:47,658 --> 00:06:49,243 -You're a monk. -All right. 164 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,120 -Monk. I'm a monk. -Dad already called the network. 165 00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:52,663 -You got this. -(whispers): You got this. 166 00:06:52,830 --> 00:06:54,164 -Thank you. -Good luck, man. 167 00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:55,457 -Thanks. -Text me after, okay? 168 00:06:55,624 --> 00:06:57,167 All right. 169 00:07:04,508 --> 00:07:06,051 So, you worked at "Chemical Plant." 170 00:07:06,218 --> 00:07:07,553 Is that a cable show? 171 00:07:07,719 --> 00:07:09,179 No, it's a place. 172 00:07:09,346 --> 00:07:10,973 It's a... a chemical plant. 173 00:07:11,140 --> 00:07:12,891 I still work there, actually. 174 00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:14,893 How did you even hear about this job? 175 00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:16,145 Your submission came from Margaret Yang 176 00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:17,563 at Human Resources. 177 00:07:17,729 --> 00:07:18,814 At the chemical plant where I work, 178 00:07:18,981 --> 00:07:20,399 there is a corkboard-- 179 00:07:20,566 --> 00:07:21,984 you know, where people hang notices 180 00:07:22,151 --> 00:07:24,236 for bikes, futons, missing cats-- 181 00:07:24,403 --> 00:07:26,321 and one day, I saw a notice 182 00:07:26,488 --> 00:07:28,740 for a company-sponsored essay contest 183 00:07:28,907 --> 00:07:31,869 where the prize was you could meet any executive you want. 184 00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:33,453 -An essay contest? -Yes. 185 00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:35,247 To meet an executive, like... 186 00:07:35,414 --> 00:07:36,832 the head of the chemical plant? 187 00:07:36,999 --> 00:07:38,333 Yes, I think that's what 188 00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:40,127 you could have picked, traditionally. 189 00:07:40,294 --> 00:07:41,879 -But you didn't? -No. 190 00:07:42,045 --> 00:07:44,381 I picked Vernon Gleason, the chief operating officer 191 00:07:44,548 --> 00:07:46,967 for all of Mainline Chemical, which owns my plant, 192 00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:49,887 but also owns Comtech, which owns this network, 193 00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:52,014 which owns Tonight with Katherine Newbury. 194 00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:54,433 (laughing): So... so you went 195 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,518 to our parent's parent company 196 00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:58,312 in order to make this interview? 197 00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,647 -Yep. -And you have no experience in comedy? 198 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,191 No. No, I'm obsessed with comedy. 199 00:08:02,357 --> 00:08:03,984 No, I've seen every episode of this show. 200 00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:05,903 I-I've read every book written about it. 201 00:08:06,069 --> 00:08:08,280 -I do a little stand-up. -Where? 202 00:08:08,447 --> 00:08:10,407 If you have a problem, ask a chemist. 203 00:08:10,574 --> 00:08:13,243 -She'll always have the solution. -(laughter) 204 00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:16,413 Which kills with people who know about chemistry. 205 00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:17,623 And I'm actually emceeing a benefit 206 00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:18,832 in the city pretty soon. 207 00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:20,250 -It's kind of cool. -Um... 208 00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:22,669 "Cancer Isn't Funny: A Night of Comedy 209 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:25,505 in Support of Lung Cancer." Jesus Christ. 210 00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,090 (phone ringing) 211 00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:28,967 -Yes. -KATHERINE: Yeah, it's me. 212 00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:30,552 Did you hire a woman yet? 213 00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:34,056 -Uh, working on it. -What's taking so long? 214 00:08:34,223 --> 00:08:36,058 The submissions haven't exactly been the strongest. 215 00:08:36,225 --> 00:08:37,309 KATHERINE: Just hire a woman! 216 00:08:37,476 --> 00:08:39,519 (click, dial tone) 217 00:08:40,938 --> 00:08:42,856 I also wanted to add 218 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:45,108 that I live with my aunt and uncle 219 00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:46,902 and 11-year-old cousin in Queens. 220 00:08:47,069 --> 00:08:48,487 I have no friends, no boyfriend. 221 00:08:48,654 --> 00:08:49,863 I am a monk. 222 00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,657 This job would be my entire life. 223 00:08:51,823 --> 00:08:53,951 Would you consider yourself a litigious person? 224 00:08:54,117 --> 00:08:55,869 -Litigious? -A TV writers' room is... 225 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:59,706 it's not very PC. It can be a pretty masculine environment. 226 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:01,458 Oh. I saw most of the writers. 227 00:09:01,625 --> 00:09:03,669 I'm not overly worried about masculinity. 228 00:09:03,835 --> 00:09:05,837 (chuckles): Oh. 229 00:09:08,966 --> 00:09:11,426 Uh... you're hired. 230 00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:13,470 For 13 weeks-- and if it doesn't work out, 231 00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:15,180 which it probably won't, you'll be gone. 232 00:09:15,347 --> 00:09:16,723 I can't believe this. 233 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,684 I thought this was going very badly. 234 00:09:18,850 --> 00:09:20,227 It did, and then it didn't. 235 00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:22,020 Okay, here's my spiel to all new writers. 236 00:09:22,187 --> 00:09:23,939 Nothing funny happened after 1995. 237 00:09:24,106 --> 00:09:25,607 Don't talk about the Internet. 238 00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:27,234 She doesn't want to leave her desk. 239 00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:28,902 She certainly doesn't want to leave the office. 240 00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,195 -Here's the new schedule. -Don't rock the boat. 241 00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:31,780 Oh, but don't use the expression, 242 00:09:31,947 --> 00:09:33,949 "Don't rock the boat," 'cause she hates it. 243 00:09:34,116 --> 00:09:36,118 Got it? 244 00:09:36,285 --> 00:09:38,745 Didn't you pitch us this same exact thing last week? 245 00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,706 -Yes. -I didn't... okay, well, I did 246 00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:42,332 -a different iteration. -Pitched that same thing. 247 00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:45,377 Hey. Guys, uh, this is, um... 248 00:09:45,544 --> 00:09:46,962 -What's your name again? -Molly. 249 00:09:47,129 --> 00:09:49,089 Malee. She used to work at a chemical plant, 250 00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:50,841 and now she's working here. 251 00:09:51,008 --> 00:09:52,342 Oh. Oh, thank God. We're starving. 252 00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:53,802 Uh, can you find out what 253 00:09:53,969 --> 00:09:55,512 the soup of the day is at Au Bon Pain? 254 00:09:55,679 --> 00:09:56,888 MANCUSO: Oh, and I need you to send some packages 255 00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:58,473 back to L.L.Bean for me. 256 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,017 She's not a production assistant, dipshits. 257 00:10:00,183 --> 00:10:02,227 -She's the new writer. -Mm-hmm. 258 00:10:03,812 --> 00:10:04,896 Hi. 259 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,650 So, you start tomorrow at 10:00. 260 00:10:08,817 --> 00:10:10,027 -Great. -Okay. 261 00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:12,070 (door closes) 262 00:10:12,237 --> 00:10:13,822 ♪ ♪ 263 00:10:13,989 --> 00:10:15,324 RECEPTIONIST: Tonight with Katherine Newbury. 264 00:10:17,576 --> 00:10:19,536 (sighs) 265 00:10:19,703 --> 00:10:21,788 (chuckling) 266 00:10:24,541 --> 00:10:26,126 Are you okay? 267 00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:28,879 I'm so happy, I feel sick. 268 00:10:29,046 --> 00:10:30,672 (Molly sniffs) 269 00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:34,259 That's our show, everyone. 270 00:10:34,426 --> 00:10:37,054 I hope I earned the privilege of your time. 271 00:10:39,473 --> 00:10:41,058 -(buzzer blares) -(cheering, whistling) 272 00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,311 -Brad. -Yeah. 273 00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:46,313 Who is the woman who was the second guest? 274 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:47,481 Dianne Feinstein? 275 00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,566 U.S. Senator? 276 00:10:49,733 --> 00:10:51,943 I thought it was Mike Myers doing a bit in old-lady makeup. 277 00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:54,696 Jesus Christ. Why does she keep booking these boring old broads 278 00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:56,990 when I rep the funniest comedians in the city? 279 00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:58,450 KATHERINE: Probably because I have 280 00:10:58,617 --> 00:11:00,327 a soft spot for boring old broads. 281 00:11:00,494 --> 00:11:02,245 Speaking as one, hello, Billy. 282 00:11:02,412 --> 00:11:04,539 -Katherine, you look gorgeous as ever. -Thank you. 283 00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:06,625 To what do I owe the pleasure of a visit 284 00:11:06,792 --> 00:11:08,377 from the world's pushiest talent manager? 285 00:11:08,543 --> 00:11:10,420 How about getting some of my guys on the show? 286 00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:12,172 It'll shake the dust off of this place. 287 00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,007 Dust? 288 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:15,967 -Well... -Okay, Billy, I think your charm is wearing off. 289 00:11:16,134 --> 00:11:18,470 -I'll-I'll walk you out. -You know I'm right. 290 00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:23,100 MOLLY'S MOM (over phone): Good for you. 291 00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:24,684 Uh, you're going to go celebrate 292 00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:26,228 -with your friends? -Mm-hmm. 293 00:11:26,395 --> 00:11:27,979 -We're gonna go get drinks. -You deserve it. 294 00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:29,731 Okay, Mom, well, I don't want to keep them waiting. 295 00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:31,400 -I better go. -(microwave beeps) 296 00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:33,693 -Was that the microwave? -Oh, no, it's the doorbell. 297 00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:36,655 Be right there, you guys! Okay, I got to go. 298 00:11:42,786 --> 00:11:45,372 (buzzer blares) 299 00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:47,374 Where did that catchphrase come from? 300 00:11:47,541 --> 00:11:50,669 "I hope I earned the privilege of your time"? 301 00:11:50,836 --> 00:11:52,462 It came from me. (clears throat) 302 00:11:52,629 --> 00:11:54,589 Sign of respect for my audience. 303 00:11:54,756 --> 00:11:56,216 (chuckles) Your audience. 304 00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:58,343 Your tiny, proper, catchphrase-loving audience. 305 00:11:58,510 --> 00:12:00,137 It's cute. I like it. 306 00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:01,721 That's a little insulting, isn't it? 307 00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:03,515 Do you know what's insulting? Waiting a week 308 00:12:03,682 --> 00:12:05,642 for one of your employees to call you back. 309 00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:09,104 I apologize. I was away, accepting an award for comedy. 310 00:12:09,271 --> 00:12:10,856 Comedy is the three-and-a-half-minute chunks 311 00:12:11,022 --> 00:12:14,025 of filler on TV between the commercials you sell. 312 00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:18,321 I came to tell you this year is your last. 313 00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:19,614 What? 314 00:12:19,781 --> 00:12:22,451 This season is your last. 315 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:26,580 You're canceling the show? 316 00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:28,123 No, I'm canceling you. 317 00:12:28,290 --> 00:12:30,459 This show is irrelevant. The ratings reflect that. 318 00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:32,794 Do you want to know who Jimmy Fallon had on 319 00:12:32,961 --> 00:12:35,881 last Tuesday when you had Doris Kearns Goodwin? 320 00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:37,424 Robert Downey Jr. 321 00:12:37,591 --> 00:12:38,884 They washed a sheepdog together. 322 00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:40,510 It was fucking glorious. 323 00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:42,345 I'm sorry, Caroline. 324 00:12:42,512 --> 00:12:44,222 Should I have played giant Connect Four with her 325 00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:45,557 or perhaps sung a karaoke song 326 00:12:45,724 --> 00:12:47,309 on the back of a tandem bicycle? 327 00:12:47,476 --> 00:12:49,186 It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. She's a national treasure. 328 00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:51,104 Agreed. I only wish she'd been an Avenger 329 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,064 instead of writing books about Abraham Lincoln. 330 00:12:53,231 --> 00:12:55,150 -She could be an Avenger if she tried. -Your ratings 331 00:12:55,317 --> 00:12:56,985 have been in a steady decline the past ten years. 332 00:12:57,152 --> 00:12:59,070 You won't even try to appeal to a mainstream audience. 333 00:12:59,237 --> 00:13:00,947 The worst part is, you seem proud of it, 334 00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:03,325 as if it's beneath you to put forth any effort. 335 00:13:03,492 --> 00:13:06,119 It's so... English. 336 00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:08,955 I'm sure that attitude scores you points at dinner parties, 337 00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:10,957 -but unfortun... -I don't go to dinner parties. 338 00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:12,292 Who are you replacing me with? 339 00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,127 Well, we haven't decided yet, but... 340 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:15,879 we will. 341 00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:21,718 I hope I earned the privilege of your time. 342 00:13:26,389 --> 00:13:28,683 KATHERINE: After all the years, the decades 343 00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:30,769 I've put into that show, can you believe it? 344 00:13:30,936 --> 00:13:32,604 As a matter of fact, I can. 345 00:13:32,771 --> 00:13:34,606 They're all a bunch of idiots. 346 00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:36,691 I mean, this is the cyclical nature of late-night TV. 347 00:13:36,858 --> 00:13:39,569 There are gonna be highs, and there are gonna be slumps. 348 00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:42,656 This particular slump has lasted for over a decade. 349 00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,908 -What? -The show hasn't been good for years. 350 00:13:45,075 --> 00:13:48,161 Wow. I'm glad your candor's still intact. 351 00:13:54,584 --> 00:13:56,628 Sorry. 352 00:13:56,795 --> 00:13:59,130 But if you felt this way, why, for God's sake, 353 00:13:59,297 --> 00:14:00,465 didn't you say something? 354 00:14:00,632 --> 00:14:02,259 I thought you knew and didn't care. 355 00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:03,677 -No. -Are you sure? 356 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,262 Walter, I have invested in precisely 357 00:14:05,428 --> 00:14:07,639 two things my entire life: you and this show. 358 00:14:07,806 --> 00:14:09,349 I won't lose it now. I can't. 359 00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:11,142 Then you have to fight again. 360 00:14:11,309 --> 00:14:13,812 Something you haven't had to do for a long, long time. 361 00:14:13,979 --> 00:14:17,190 WALTER: They want to replace you. 362 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,234 But they can't replace you 363 00:14:19,401 --> 00:14:20,569 if everyone loves you. 364 00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:27,492 (sighing): Okay, okay, okay, okay. 365 00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,789 (snoring) 366 00:14:34,165 --> 00:14:35,417 Good morning! 367 00:14:35,584 --> 00:14:37,294 Oh, my God, you are so funny. 368 00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:39,671 Why am I even awake right now? I'm a stand-up. 369 00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:41,756 I didn't even start my set till 10:00 last night. 370 00:14:41,923 --> 00:14:43,592 Yeah, why did Brad want us here so early anyway? 371 00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:44,968 That makes me kind of nervous. 372 00:14:45,135 --> 00:14:46,928 You're nervous? That's surprising. 373 00:14:47,095 --> 00:14:49,931 Brad's assistant said he saw Caroline Morton here yesterday. 374 00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:53,810 Caroline Morton? Why would the head of the network come here? 375 00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:12,162 Well, hopefully, they don't lay everybody off, you know? 376 00:15:12,329 --> 00:15:14,247 -I need this job. -They did fire Gabe. 377 00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,791 -Hey, babe. -Gabe should have been fired years ago. 378 00:15:16,958 --> 00:15:19,127 He once went home early because he had a "bad bagel." 379 00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:20,670 Hey, dickhead, I shared an office 380 00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:22,464 with that guy for 17 years. 381 00:15:22,631 --> 00:15:25,008 -Oh, I heard he got hired at Kimmel. -Fuck him. 382 00:15:25,175 --> 00:15:26,801 I thought you said Kimmel wasn't hiring. 383 00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:28,887 Guys, there's a lot of reasons Caroline could be here. 384 00:15:29,054 --> 00:15:30,764 Maybe she wants to sleep with me. 385 00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,224 Hey, man, it's a little early in the morning for you to be 386 00:15:33,391 --> 00:15:34,893 this sexually charged, okay, so let's just... (grunts) 387 00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:36,728 BRAD: Uh, sorry to interrupt your coffee cake 388 00:15:36,895 --> 00:15:39,356 and catching up, but Katherine is in the writers' room. 389 00:15:43,693 --> 00:15:45,654 God. 390 00:15:48,073 --> 00:15:49,783 Uh, if I may, I just want to say, 391 00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:52,452 it is such an honor to meet you, Ms. Newbury. 392 00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,162 I'm Chris Reynolds. 393 00:15:54,329 --> 00:15:56,498 Uh, my name is Eugene Mancuso, and when my parents 394 00:15:56,665 --> 00:15:58,458 -got divorced, this show... -I don't know who any of you are. 395 00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,210 I don't know who any of them are. 396 00:16:00,377 --> 00:16:02,504 -BRAD: Um... -TOM: Oh, well, 397 00:16:02,671 --> 00:16:05,507 uh, Tom. I'm-I'm Tom. 398 00:16:05,674 --> 00:16:07,926 I, uh... I write the monologue. I'm actually the youngest 399 00:16:08,093 --> 00:16:09,469 monologue writer in the history of the show. 400 00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:10,720 No, no, no. (stammers) Don't care. 401 00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:12,097 -No? Okay. -Do you know what? 402 00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:13,723 I'm not gonna remember any of this, 403 00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:14,933 so here's what we're gonna do. Um, you're One. 404 00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:17,977 Two. Three. 405 00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:20,772 Four. 406 00:16:20,939 --> 00:16:22,190 BURDITT: Hi, Katherine. 407 00:16:22,357 --> 00:16:24,776 Oh, Burditt. Thank God. How's your baby? 408 00:16:24,943 --> 00:16:26,236 She's 27. 409 00:16:26,403 --> 00:16:27,904 Her baby's doing well. 410 00:16:28,071 --> 00:16:29,447 She just started preschool. 411 00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:30,865 -She's, uh... -(makes buzzing sound) 412 00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:32,450 Never mind. I-I don't want to know. 413 00:16:32,617 --> 00:16:34,369 I don't know why I asked, actually. You're Five. 414 00:16:34,536 --> 00:16:36,287 Six. Seven. That's what I'm gonna call you all from now on. 415 00:16:36,454 --> 00:16:38,331 -It's just easier. -Are we allowed to call each other 416 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:39,624 by our own names? 417 00:16:39,791 --> 00:16:40,792 J-Just learn the numbers, Reynolds. 418 00:16:40,959 --> 00:16:42,168 -Yeah, yeah. -I mean Two. 419 00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:43,753 -Yeah. -TOM: Can One and I switch? 420 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,630 I'm-I'm just... I'm the most senior writer. 421 00:16:46,715 --> 00:16:47,882 I'll take Seven. Seven. 422 00:16:48,049 --> 00:16:49,175 -Lucky Seven. -Okay, can we just 423 00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:50,635 get into it now and see if we can 424 00:16:50,802 --> 00:16:52,178 -salvage anything worth taping? -Yes. 425 00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:55,348 You-you had that "Trapped in the Closet" thing. 426 00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:58,518 Why are you dressed like you work HR at a funeral home? 427 00:16:58,685 --> 00:16:59,853 Pavarti, I don't look like that. 428 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,396 I look professional. 429 00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:04,315 Like I work HR at a law firm. 430 00:17:04,482 --> 00:17:06,526 ♪ ♪ 431 00:17:19,205 --> 00:17:21,249 (indistinct chatter) 432 00:17:23,001 --> 00:17:24,669 KATHERINE: Um, anyway, but it's something like that. 433 00:17:24,836 --> 00:17:26,796 -BRAD: Yeah, you start. -Okay, um... 434 00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:28,214 Now, but it could be funny. 435 00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:29,549 -That-that'd be your job. -Who are you? 436 00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:30,717 Uh, I, uh... I-I'm Molly. 437 00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:32,552 I'm a new writer. 438 00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:34,804 -Uh, the new female writer. -Yeah, I can see that, Brad. 439 00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:36,222 What are those? 440 00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:37,766 These are cupcakes. 441 00:17:37,932 --> 00:17:39,809 They're my way of saying thank you 442 00:17:39,976 --> 00:17:42,312 -for this amazing opportun... -You're late. 443 00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:44,314 Late? 444 00:17:44,481 --> 00:17:46,983 I thought I was almost two hours early. 445 00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:48,735 Does it look like you're early? 446 00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:50,570 Uh, Brad told her we start at 10:00. 447 00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:51,738 Oh. 448 00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:54,407 Well, get in here, then. 449 00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:56,201 -Should I... -What? You want to sit down? 450 00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:58,536 -Okay. Yeah. -(chatter resumes) 451 00:17:58,703 --> 00:18:00,246 MANCUSO: Oh, that's where Mendelsohn sits. 452 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,415 He's in the bathroom, so... 453 00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:05,418 -Okay. -And that's McCrary's seat. 454 00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:07,086 -Oh. -KATHERINE: Where is McCrary? 455 00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:09,380 I told everyone to be here at 8:00. 456 00:18:09,547 --> 00:18:10,381 Oh, he got a call from his girlfriend, 457 00:18:10,548 --> 00:18:11,716 so it's gonna be a while. 458 00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:13,593 They're actually newly long-distance, 459 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:14,969 -and I think it's been really hard for her. -Has it been? 460 00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:16,346 Has it been hard for McCrary's girlfriend? 461 00:18:16,513 --> 00:18:18,014 Oh, wow, he must be such a catch. 462 00:18:18,181 --> 00:18:20,350 -Could you sit down, please? -Uh, I-I-I want to. 463 00:18:20,517 --> 00:18:22,060 -I'm trying. -Could you try harder? 464 00:18:22,227 --> 00:18:24,562 Uh, yes. 465 00:18:24,729 --> 00:18:26,940 Oh, okay. I'll just use, uh, this trash can. 466 00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:30,693 There's... you know, there's hardly any trash in it at all. 467 00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:32,403 -Excuse me. Thank you. -Yeah. 468 00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:35,114 Ooh, it's kind of comfortable. Better than a chair. 469 00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:36,574 -You're Eight. -What? 470 00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:37,951 Your name is Eight. 471 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,452 -I'm Molly. -None of this matters. 472 00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:41,079 Why would anyone care what your name is? 473 00:18:41,246 --> 00:18:42,997 Do none of you understand what is at stake here? 474 00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:45,166 I am being replaced as host of this show 475 00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:48,503 because of declining ratings and general lack of quality. 476 00:18:48,670 --> 00:18:51,172 -Wait, what? -The show is great. 477 00:18:51,339 --> 00:18:53,299 Let's see them do 300 shows a year. 478 00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:54,801 -(overlapping chatter) -What do they expect? 479 00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:57,053 What do they know? 480 00:18:57,220 --> 00:18:58,721 -What do you think? -(chatter stops) 481 00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:02,475 Oh, I think it's horrible. 482 00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,102 It's terrible. 483 00:19:04,269 --> 00:19:06,521 It's-it's the worst. It's... I hate it. 484 00:19:06,688 --> 00:19:08,523 Please stop saying synonyms for "bad." 485 00:19:08,690 --> 00:19:10,817 Tell me what you think. 486 00:19:10,984 --> 00:19:14,696 If I'm being completely honest, and... 487 00:19:14,863 --> 00:19:16,281 also acknowledging how much of a fan 488 00:19:16,447 --> 00:19:18,616 I am of the show and all of your work, 489 00:19:18,783 --> 00:19:22,078 I think there is room for a little bit of improvement. 490 00:19:22,245 --> 00:19:23,621 TOM: Oh, well, sorry the show 491 00:19:23,788 --> 00:19:25,123 doesn't appeal to the heightened sensibilities 492 00:19:25,290 --> 00:19:26,624 of you and your friends at the factory. 493 00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:28,501 It's a chemical plant, not a factory. 494 00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,128 -Whatever. -KATHERINE: Seven's right. It's not the smartest 495 00:19:30,295 --> 00:19:31,671 thing in the world to come in on your first day 496 00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:33,131 and criticize a room full of people 497 00:19:33,298 --> 00:19:35,425 who've been doing this for years, but... 498 00:19:35,592 --> 00:19:37,468 I asked your opinion, 499 00:19:37,635 --> 00:19:39,846 and honestly, I do not disagree with you. 500 00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:41,598 I've been hearing a lot of this recently. 501 00:19:41,764 --> 00:19:43,933 Last night, from the person I know most in the world, 502 00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:46,269 and today, from this person sitting on a trash can 503 00:19:46,436 --> 00:19:47,937 whom I know the least. 504 00:19:48,104 --> 00:19:50,273 But taking both into account, 505 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,233 the show is bad-- I don't know why-- 506 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,068 and I think it's your fault. 507 00:19:54,235 --> 00:19:56,195 I love you, too. 508 00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:57,739 Oh, you must be McCrary. 509 00:19:57,906 --> 00:19:59,449 -Oh, wow. -How's your girlfriend? 510 00:19:59,616 --> 00:20:01,743 Good. Really good. Yeah, she just got this new job, 511 00:20:01,910 --> 00:20:03,202 so she's a little emotional. 512 00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:04,329 -She misses me. -Well, she's gonna be 513 00:20:04,495 --> 00:20:05,872 seeing a lot more of you now, 514 00:20:06,039 --> 00:20:07,248 'cause you're fired. Could you see him out? 515 00:20:07,415 --> 00:20:09,042 Now, this is what's gonna happen. 516 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:11,544 From this moment forth, none of you has a life. 517 00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:14,213 You have no wives, no girlfriends, no kids. 518 00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:15,757 You have only this. 519 00:20:15,924 --> 00:20:17,425 You live this show. 520 00:20:17,592 --> 00:20:19,052 You breathe this show. 521 00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,888 When you masturbate, you think about this show. 522 00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:23,723 You're finally going to earn those big, fat paychecks 523 00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,683 that have been paying for your divorces 524 00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:27,018 and gym memberships you clearly never use. 525 00:20:27,185 --> 00:20:28,519 Think about why the show is bad, 526 00:20:28,686 --> 00:20:30,188 and come up with ways to fix it. 527 00:20:30,355 --> 00:20:32,941 And, Eight, sit on a chair tomorrow, for God's sake! 528 00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:36,152 Okay. 529 00:20:36,319 --> 00:20:37,695 So... 530 00:20:37,862 --> 00:20:40,531 Can I take the fired man's seat? 531 00:20:40,698 --> 00:20:42,283 We're all gonna be out of jobs. 532 00:20:42,450 --> 00:20:43,618 I'm gonna have to move to Long Island City, 533 00:20:43,785 --> 00:20:45,161 probably sell all my clothes. 534 00:20:45,328 --> 00:20:47,080 -Don't be so dramatic. -Oh, how would you know? 535 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:48,456 You don't even have nice clothes. 536 00:20:48,623 --> 00:20:50,041 Okay, it's not all that surprising. 537 00:20:50,208 --> 00:20:51,459 Any of your friends talk about the show anymore? 538 00:20:51,626 --> 00:20:52,752 No, it's a relic. Okay? There's no buzz 539 00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:54,253 -about it at all. -No. -TOM: Hey. 540 00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:55,880 It's not a relic, okay? She is an icon. 541 00:20:56,047 --> 00:20:57,131 I mean, it would take them a month 542 00:20:57,298 --> 00:20:58,383 just to remove all of her Emmys. 543 00:20:58,549 --> 00:20:59,926 Well, you know, who knows? 544 00:21:00,093 --> 00:21:01,344 Maybe Little Miss Chemical Plant can help us. 545 00:21:01,511 --> 00:21:03,012 TOM: Please, don't even joke about that. 546 00:21:03,179 --> 00:21:04,764 You know what, Reynolds? Give me one of your Xanaxes. 547 00:21:04,931 --> 00:21:05,932 No, I need all my Xannies now that I'm in the poorhouse. 548 00:21:06,099 --> 00:21:09,060 Molly Patel! Molly Patel, 549 00:21:09,227 --> 00:21:12,063 -the quality control specialist. -TOM: Oh, my God. 550 00:21:12,230 --> 00:21:14,524 MANCUSO: Hobbies include ruining our lives. 551 00:21:14,691 --> 00:21:17,026 TOM: I don't think she's worked a day in television. 552 00:21:17,193 --> 00:21:18,736 You know, I think she's a pathological liar. 553 00:21:18,903 --> 00:21:21,239 I wish I was a woman of color so I could just get 554 00:21:21,406 --> 00:21:22,949 any job I want with zero qualifications. 555 00:21:23,116 --> 00:21:25,076 We talked about this. You can't say that. 556 00:21:25,243 --> 00:21:27,787 (chuckling) 557 00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:29,163 Hey, man. 558 00:21:29,330 --> 00:21:31,165 You remember, uh, Molly from earlier? 559 00:21:31,332 --> 00:21:33,584 Yes. She told everyone the show was bad. 560 00:21:33,751 --> 00:21:36,546 That's her. You'll be sharing an office with her. 561 00:21:36,713 --> 00:21:38,715 Brad? Brad. Brad? 562 00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:43,011 This is nice. Who's that? 563 00:21:43,177 --> 00:21:44,721 That's the guy whose desk you're taking. 564 00:21:44,887 --> 00:21:46,889 He was fired last week. 565 00:21:47,056 --> 00:21:49,475 He was my best friend. 566 00:21:59,402 --> 00:22:03,406 So... you must be pretty new, too. 567 00:22:03,573 --> 00:22:05,033 You don't have any stuff. 568 00:22:06,242 --> 00:22:08,911 Oh, I-I've been here 27 years. 569 00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:11,914 In case I get fired, I don't want to get too comfortable. 570 00:22:14,125 --> 00:22:17,170 So, are you gonna tell me about your day? 571 00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:18,963 It was a bit like trying to mount 572 00:22:19,130 --> 00:22:20,339 a prison production of Hamlet. 573 00:22:20,506 --> 00:22:22,008 But at least prisoners get sunlight 574 00:22:22,175 --> 00:22:24,552 -and exercise once a day. -(laughs) 575 00:22:24,719 --> 00:22:26,512 That sounds very promising. 576 00:22:26,679 --> 00:22:28,681 You always worked best with a captive audience. 577 00:22:28,848 --> 00:22:31,225 (laughs) 578 00:22:31,392 --> 00:22:33,269 Right now it is a hostile environment 579 00:22:33,436 --> 00:22:35,521 in which to be an educated white male. 580 00:22:35,688 --> 00:22:38,191 I mean, it's staggering how unfair it is, okay? 581 00:22:38,357 --> 00:22:40,526 Staggering. 582 00:22:40,693 --> 00:22:42,195 Yeah, they completely overlooked my brother. 583 00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:43,780 All right. 584 00:22:43,946 --> 00:22:45,156 She's, like, a diversity hire or something. 585 00:22:45,323 --> 00:22:46,616 Man, she'll be here 13 weeks. 586 00:22:46,783 --> 00:22:48,576 She's, like, a single mom or something. 587 00:22:51,079 --> 00:22:52,330 Hey. 588 00:22:52,497 --> 00:22:53,998 I'm not a single mom, by the way. 589 00:22:54,165 --> 00:22:55,249 I just look like one. 590 00:22:55,416 --> 00:22:56,876 And I guess I dress like one. 591 00:22:57,043 --> 00:22:59,337 No, I... I-I wasn't talking about you. 592 00:22:59,504 --> 00:23:01,422 -Then who were you talking about? -Uh, my... 593 00:23:01,589 --> 00:23:03,091 cleaning lady. 594 00:23:03,257 --> 00:23:04,967 Your brother lost a job to your housekeeper? 595 00:23:06,010 --> 00:23:07,220 -Yep. -Whatever. 596 00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:08,679 Just so you know, I'd rather be 597 00:23:08,846 --> 00:23:10,139 a diversity hire than a nepotism hire. 598 00:23:10,306 --> 00:23:11,849 'Cause at least I had to beat out 599 00:23:12,016 --> 00:23:13,309 every minority and woman to get here. 600 00:23:13,476 --> 00:23:17,021 You just had to be born. 601 00:23:17,188 --> 00:23:19,690 TOM: Hey, you know, one of my grandparents was an immigrant. 602 00:23:19,857 --> 00:23:21,567 This documentary was insane. 603 00:23:21,734 --> 00:23:23,027 It said, basically, we're all covered 604 00:23:23,194 --> 00:23:24,862 in, like, tiny bugs and... 605 00:23:25,029 --> 00:23:27,240 -Oh. -No cupcakes today. 606 00:23:38,876 --> 00:23:41,170 So, Molly, what is your deal? 607 00:23:41,337 --> 00:23:44,298 Well, I am from central Pennsylvania. I love to laugh. 608 00:23:44,465 --> 00:23:46,342 No, boring. Like, what do you hate? 609 00:23:46,509 --> 00:23:48,803 What neighborhood do you live in? Who are you fucking? 610 00:23:48,970 --> 00:23:51,639 Uh, I, uh... I hate injustice. 611 00:23:51,806 --> 00:23:53,141 (Tom scoffs) 612 00:23:53,307 --> 00:23:55,518 I live with my aunt and uncle in Queens. 613 00:23:55,685 --> 00:23:57,770 And I'm not sleeping with anybody. 614 00:23:57,937 --> 00:23:59,856 -Where'd you go to school? -Luzerne Community College. 615 00:24:00,022 --> 00:24:01,816 -Loser Community College? -(laughter) 616 00:24:01,983 --> 00:24:03,985 -Luzerne. -Oh, 'cause it really sounded like you said "loser." 617 00:24:04,152 --> 00:24:06,195 -Yeah, but why would I say that? -Don't listen to them. 618 00:24:06,362 --> 00:24:08,364 I dropped out of high school and worked at the docks. 619 00:24:08,531 --> 00:24:10,199 That's why I write so many jokes about seagulls. 620 00:24:10,366 --> 00:24:12,410 So, what is the stage like? I cannot wait to see it. 621 00:24:12,577 --> 00:24:14,328 We're not allowed on the stage. Only Brad and Tom. 622 00:24:14,495 --> 00:24:16,122 TOM: Yeah, I'm head monologue writer. 623 00:24:16,289 --> 00:24:18,583 You are? 'Cause you hadn't mentioned it in ten minutes. 624 00:24:18,749 --> 00:24:19,959 -I was worried. -(laughs) 625 00:24:20,126 --> 00:24:21,377 Wait, so you all write on the show, 626 00:24:21,544 --> 00:24:23,129 and you've never been to the stage? 627 00:24:24,172 --> 00:24:25,506 Okay. Okay. 628 00:24:25,673 --> 00:24:27,341 This is how it works. 629 00:24:27,508 --> 00:24:28,968 The writers are supposed 630 00:24:29,135 --> 00:24:31,304 -to get here at 10:00. -Good morning. 631 00:24:31,470 --> 00:24:33,306 I usually get here at 9:00. 632 00:24:33,472 --> 00:24:35,016 Then we go into our offices and read 633 00:24:35,183 --> 00:24:36,726 the newspaper headlines for joke ideas. 634 00:24:36,893 --> 00:24:39,604 Some of us are a little more focused than others. 635 00:24:39,770 --> 00:24:41,689 Then we submit our jokes to Brad, who makes his selects. 636 00:24:41,856 --> 00:24:43,649 That's what makes it in the show. 637 00:24:43,816 --> 00:24:45,193 -Here you go. -I usually get some good stuff in there. 638 00:24:45,359 --> 00:24:46,736 Ah! 639 00:24:46,903 --> 00:24:48,070 Then we meet up in the writers' room 640 00:24:48,237 --> 00:24:49,697 to go over Brad's selects. 641 00:24:49,864 --> 00:24:52,158 -(indistinct chatter) -Oh, kiss my ass! 642 00:24:52,325 --> 00:24:54,118 Then at 6:30, the show starts taping, 643 00:24:54,285 --> 00:24:55,494 and we all watch. 644 00:24:55,661 --> 00:24:58,414 And that is how we make a TV show. 645 00:24:58,581 --> 00:25:01,751 So you never interact with her once the entire day? 646 00:25:01,918 --> 00:25:04,212 Until yesterday, most of us hadn't even met her. 647 00:25:06,214 --> 00:25:08,299 -(toilet flushes) -Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. 648 00:25:08,466 --> 00:25:09,550 I thought this was the women's room. 649 00:25:09,717 --> 00:25:11,177 No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. 650 00:25:11,344 --> 00:25:12,637 You're right. It is... it is the women's room. 651 00:25:12,803 --> 00:25:14,138 We just... we haven't had a woman here 652 00:25:14,305 --> 00:25:17,016 in, like, ever, so yeah, we use it. 653 00:25:17,183 --> 00:25:18,643 Doesn't Katherine mind? 654 00:25:18,809 --> 00:25:20,102 You kidding me? No, she doesn't come in here. 655 00:25:20,269 --> 00:25:21,479 She has her own bathroom. 656 00:25:21,646 --> 00:25:23,648 We actually... we-we come in here to... 657 00:25:23,814 --> 00:25:25,399 to take a shit. 658 00:25:25,566 --> 00:25:29,362 I don't understand anything about this job. 659 00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:31,864 Well, you're right about not being allowed on set. 660 00:25:32,031 --> 00:25:33,199 It's fucked up. 661 00:25:33,366 --> 00:25:34,951 So, why don't you say something? 662 00:25:35,117 --> 00:25:37,119 (laughs) Like, "See Something, Say Something"? 663 00:25:37,286 --> 00:25:39,121 Because it's not airport security, Molly. 664 00:25:39,288 --> 00:25:40,623 It's a TV show. 665 00:25:40,790 --> 00:25:45,127 And she's not the, uh, classy role model 666 00:25:45,294 --> 00:25:47,755 you've been watching on TV for 20 years. 667 00:25:50,424 --> 00:25:51,842 Hey, you know... you know what? 668 00:25:52,009 --> 00:25:53,970 I'm doing stand-up tomorrow night, all right? 669 00:25:54,136 --> 00:25:55,513 Come see me. 670 00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:57,723 We'll get a drink after. 671 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:01,269 (door opens) 672 00:26:02,353 --> 00:26:03,562 (door closes) 673 00:26:03,729 --> 00:26:04,939 Okay. Let's get going, everybody. 674 00:26:05,106 --> 00:26:06,774 One, you're up. 675 00:26:06,941 --> 00:26:09,277 I have an idea entitled "Hollywood Zoo." 676 00:26:09,443 --> 00:26:11,445 It's animals that look like celebrities. 677 00:26:11,612 --> 00:26:14,699 -No. -And... or celebrities that look like animals? 678 00:26:14,865 --> 00:26:16,659 Can I? Okay. 679 00:26:16,826 --> 00:26:19,245 "Shrimp My Ride." 680 00:26:20,454 --> 00:26:21,872 "Fancy Pelosi." 681 00:26:22,039 --> 00:26:24,625 "Celebrity Fitted-Sheet Folding Challenge." 682 00:26:24,792 --> 00:26:26,168 Yeah, we worked on that together. 683 00:26:26,335 --> 00:26:27,461 It's where we have you and a celebrity race 684 00:26:27,628 --> 00:26:28,796 to fold a fitted sheet. 685 00:26:28,963 --> 00:26:30,798 (chuckles) You know what? Forget it. 686 00:26:30,965 --> 00:26:33,342 Can I just remind everybody here 687 00:26:33,509 --> 00:26:36,929 that the stakes could not be higher. 688 00:26:37,096 --> 00:26:38,597 -Two, go. -Uh, okay. 689 00:26:38,764 --> 00:26:40,349 So, the Miss America pageant 690 00:26:40,516 --> 00:26:42,310 and the Westminster Dog Show are both the same week. 691 00:26:42,476 --> 00:26:44,145 So I thought, why not combine the two? 692 00:26:44,312 --> 00:26:45,771 We ask the girls to run around in a circle, 693 00:26:45,938 --> 00:26:47,940 and we ask the dogs their take on immigration. 694 00:26:48,107 --> 00:26:50,234 Oh, the Miss America pageant. 695 00:26:50,401 --> 00:26:52,361 The scholarship competition where it's still appropriate 696 00:26:52,528 --> 00:26:54,113 to ask a beautiful teenager from Tampa 697 00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:55,489 who can't afford college 698 00:26:55,656 --> 00:26:57,533 but who can afford breast implants 699 00:26:57,700 --> 00:26:58,909 about world peace. 700 00:26:59,076 --> 00:26:59,869 No, we're not gonna be doing that. 701 00:27:00,036 --> 00:27:00,953 Where's John Phillips? 702 00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:01,871 I want to hear his pitches. 703 00:27:02,038 --> 00:27:04,582 -Um... -Um... 704 00:27:06,042 --> 00:27:07,043 What? 705 00:27:07,209 --> 00:27:10,629 Uh, John died in 2012. 706 00:27:10,796 --> 00:27:12,256 John's dead? Are you kidding me? 707 00:27:12,423 --> 00:27:14,967 About the death of our coworker? No. 708 00:27:15,134 --> 00:27:16,510 Oh, that's terrible. 709 00:27:16,677 --> 00:27:18,929 -He was so funny. -Yeah. 710 00:27:19,096 --> 00:27:20,806 Eight, what? 711 00:27:20,973 --> 00:27:23,225 First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss. 712 00:27:23,392 --> 00:27:24,977 He sounded like an incredible person. 713 00:27:25,144 --> 00:27:27,355 Second, I'm really honored 714 00:27:27,521 --> 00:27:29,398 to be presenting my ideas here today. 715 00:27:29,565 --> 00:27:31,442 Oh, God, I wish I was John Phillips. 716 00:27:31,609 --> 00:27:33,319 So, I thought I would take a step back 717 00:27:33,486 --> 00:27:35,071 and see what wasn't working. 718 00:27:35,237 --> 00:27:36,947 This is what I do at quality control 719 00:27:37,114 --> 00:27:39,200 at the chemical plant, and I thought I would do that here. 720 00:27:39,367 --> 00:27:42,661 The headline of my analysis is "Complacency." 721 00:27:42,828 --> 00:27:45,331 And I noticed that there's three major areas 722 00:27:45,498 --> 00:27:47,124 where there could be a lot of improvement. 723 00:27:47,291 --> 00:27:49,251 The first is your overall unwillingness to do 724 00:27:49,418 --> 00:27:51,128 high-concept recurring bits-- you know, where you have to 725 00:27:51,295 --> 00:27:52,922 physically leave the studio. 726 00:27:53,089 --> 00:27:55,132 Those are the ones that can go viral if executed well. 727 00:27:55,299 --> 00:27:59,095 The second is your total lack of presence on social media. 728 00:27:59,261 --> 00:28:01,472 You seem to have contempt for it, which feels ill-advised 729 00:28:01,639 --> 00:28:04,100 because most of your audience is watching on their phones. 730 00:28:04,266 --> 00:28:06,227 The third: I think people get very excited 731 00:28:06,394 --> 00:28:08,020 when you share your beliefs. 732 00:28:08,187 --> 00:28:10,022 So, what you just said about the Miss America pageant, 733 00:28:10,189 --> 00:28:11,649 that was awesome. 734 00:28:11,816 --> 00:28:13,651 When you reveal those kind of strong opinions, 735 00:28:13,818 --> 00:28:15,820 it's when you really come alive as a performer. 736 00:28:15,986 --> 00:28:18,322 That's when I come alive as a performer? 737 00:28:18,489 --> 00:28:20,116 -Yeah. -Can I see that? 738 00:28:20,282 --> 00:28:22,201 Absolutely. 739 00:28:23,953 --> 00:28:25,704 I just want to say, I'm no longer attached 740 00:28:25,871 --> 00:28:27,373 to this idea in any shape or form. 741 00:28:27,540 --> 00:28:29,792 Thank you so much. 742 00:28:29,959 --> 00:28:32,086 (sighs) 743 00:28:34,046 --> 00:28:35,756 Mm-hmm. (clicks tongue) 744 00:28:35,923 --> 00:28:38,926 So, what's the solution? 745 00:28:39,093 --> 00:28:41,137 Oh, I don't have one. 746 00:28:41,303 --> 00:28:43,722 Just to be clear, you don't have any new ideas or jokes? 747 00:28:43,889 --> 00:28:45,766 No. 748 00:28:45,933 --> 00:28:47,643 KATHERINE: Okay, I've been doing this job 749 00:28:47,810 --> 00:28:49,270 for nearly 30 years, and I know what works. 750 00:28:49,437 --> 00:28:51,188 And I'll tell you what doesn't work: 751 00:28:51,355 --> 00:28:53,232 an absurdly confident newcomer coming in, criticizing my show 752 00:28:53,399 --> 00:28:56,527 and giving me her assessment of my comic persona 753 00:28:56,694 --> 00:28:59,447 without doing the hard work of presenting me with solutions. 754 00:28:59,613 --> 00:29:01,490 This-this room is a ship. 755 00:29:01,657 --> 00:29:03,159 I am the captain, and you have barely 756 00:29:03,325 --> 00:29:04,702 earned the right to be an oar. 757 00:29:04,869 --> 00:29:07,913 Do I make myself clear, Eight? 758 00:29:09,081 --> 00:29:11,625 (sighs) I have not changed. 759 00:29:11,792 --> 00:29:13,544 The audience has changed. They don't want smart comedy. 760 00:29:13,711 --> 00:29:15,546 They want Kevin Hart on a Slip 'N Slide, 761 00:29:15,713 --> 00:29:17,214 so let's just give them what they want. 762 00:29:17,381 --> 00:29:19,383 Who's the most tacky famous person out there? 763 00:29:19,550 --> 00:29:20,926 Reality star? 764 00:29:21,093 --> 00:29:22,636 No, a YouTube celebrity. There was one at the club 765 00:29:22,803 --> 00:29:24,513 I was at last night, and I got trampled. 766 00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:26,223 It was the most glamorous thing that's ever happened to me 767 00:29:26,390 --> 00:29:27,641 -in my entire life. -(sighs) What? 768 00:29:27,808 --> 00:29:29,101 Wait. Come on, we're-we're not really 769 00:29:29,268 --> 00:29:30,227 considering doing this, though, right? 770 00:29:30,394 --> 00:29:31,854 -Mimi Mismatch. -Who? 771 00:29:32,021 --> 00:29:33,731 She is a YouTube star who does comic sketches 772 00:29:33,898 --> 00:29:35,399 in the basement of her parents' house. 773 00:29:35,566 --> 00:29:37,109 -Oh, my God. -Uh, uh, she has 774 00:29:37,276 --> 00:29:38,694 -25 million Twitter followers. -Okay. 775 00:29:38,861 --> 00:29:40,613 My daughters are obsessed with her. She, um... 776 00:29:40,779 --> 00:29:42,615 Just book her, book her, book her. 777 00:29:42,781 --> 00:29:44,825 ♪ ♪ 778 00:29:47,995 --> 00:29:50,456 -(crying) -(door opens) 779 00:29:53,959 --> 00:29:56,003 Sorry. 780 00:29:58,923 --> 00:30:00,841 I really got to go. 781 00:30:01,008 --> 00:30:02,885 -Oh, God. -I'm sorry. Yeah. 782 00:30:03,052 --> 00:30:05,429 -Or I can... you can... -I... Okay, okay. 783 00:30:05,596 --> 00:30:07,389 Okay. 784 00:30:10,351 --> 00:30:11,894 (Molly crying) 785 00:30:12,061 --> 00:30:14,021 Oh, my God. 786 00:30:16,774 --> 00:30:19,026 (sighs) Okay. 787 00:30:21,320 --> 00:30:23,280 This has to stop. 788 00:30:23,447 --> 00:30:26,075 (crying continues) 789 00:30:26,242 --> 00:30:28,244 -(grunts) -MOLLY (crying): I don't know. 790 00:30:28,410 --> 00:30:30,871 Maybe I should just move back to Pennsylvania. 791 00:30:31,038 --> 00:30:33,123 Can I give you some advice? 792 00:30:33,290 --> 00:30:34,833 You need to shut the fuck up. 793 00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:36,418 Excuse me? 794 00:30:36,585 --> 00:30:38,546 If you hear something you don't agree with, 795 00:30:38,712 --> 00:30:41,215 you have to resist the urge to give your opinion. 796 00:30:41,382 --> 00:30:42,841 I will not be marginalized 797 00:30:43,008 --> 00:30:44,969 by the iron fist of white privilege 798 00:30:45,135 --> 00:30:47,012 that pervades this work environment. 799 00:30:47,179 --> 00:30:49,932 I am not trying to silence your strong female Indian 800 00:30:50,099 --> 00:30:52,560 woman of color spirit, hashtag MeToo, 801 00:30:52,726 --> 00:30:54,186 TransIsBeautiful, blah, blah, blah. 802 00:30:54,353 --> 00:30:57,064 You're still a new writer with no experience. 803 00:30:57,231 --> 00:31:00,526 You need to stop giving advice and write something. 804 00:31:00,693 --> 00:31:02,486 You're a writer, so write. 805 00:31:02,653 --> 00:31:04,238 Okay. 806 00:31:04,405 --> 00:31:05,948 Come on. You get more work done 807 00:31:06,115 --> 00:31:07,700 on top of the desk than under it. 808 00:31:07,866 --> 00:31:10,703 -It's gonna be all right. -Thank you. 809 00:31:10,869 --> 00:31:13,080 KATHERINE (on monitor): ...because of a coyote warning. 810 00:31:13,247 --> 00:31:14,999 Not to worry, though-- they managed to get out 811 00:31:15,165 --> 00:31:17,626 in the nick of time. Beep, beep. 812 00:31:17,793 --> 00:31:20,045 I don't... I don't understand that. 813 00:31:20,212 --> 00:31:22,131 BRAD (imitating Road Runner): Meep, meep. Meep, meep. 814 00:31:22,298 --> 00:31:23,757 Burditt, what are they doing? 815 00:31:23,924 --> 00:31:25,467 They're practicing the monologue. 816 00:31:25,634 --> 00:31:27,136 -It's the Road Runner thing. -Oh, the Road Runner. 817 00:31:27,303 --> 00:31:29,179 -What, the enemy of Wile E. Coyote? -Meep, meep. 818 00:31:29,346 --> 00:31:30,848 BRAD: Yeah, exactly. 819 00:31:31,015 --> 00:31:32,683 KATHERINE (on computer): Today, while President Bush 820 00:31:32,850 --> 00:31:35,644 underwent a medical procedure, Vice President Dick Cheney 821 00:31:35,811 --> 00:31:37,730 was acting president for two hours and 15 minutes, 822 00:31:37,896 --> 00:31:40,816 which is longer than any woman. 823 00:31:40,983 --> 00:31:43,193 -That's it. That's the joke. -(laughter) 824 00:31:52,703 --> 00:31:54,288 Okay, so I think we're good for the monologue 825 00:31:54,455 --> 00:31:55,706 unless I'm, uh, missing something. 826 00:31:55,873 --> 00:31:57,333 I have some jokes for the monologue. 827 00:31:58,751 --> 00:32:00,878 Uh, well, you don't write the monologue. 828 00:32:01,045 --> 00:32:02,588 Yeah, but I wrote some jokes for it. 829 00:32:02,755 --> 00:32:03,631 And I have some ideas for Katherine's hair, 830 00:32:03,797 --> 00:32:04,632 but that's not my job. 831 00:32:04,798 --> 00:32:06,300 Seven, shut up. 832 00:32:06,467 --> 00:32:08,135 Eight, for God's sake, go. 833 00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:12,014 I shouldn't do this in an English accent, should I? 834 00:32:12,181 --> 00:32:13,807 No. 835 00:32:13,974 --> 00:32:16,018 Three Republican senators are proposing a bill 836 00:32:16,185 --> 00:32:17,936 to yet again defund Planned Parenthood. 837 00:32:18,103 --> 00:32:20,689 As always, the men most obsessed with women's sex lives 838 00:32:20,856 --> 00:32:22,232 are the ones getting laid the least. 839 00:32:22,399 --> 00:32:23,776 -(chuckles) -I never thought I'd say this, 840 00:32:23,942 --> 00:32:25,361 but thank God I'm going through menopause. 841 00:32:25,527 --> 00:32:27,279 Good Lord, Eight. 842 00:32:27,446 --> 00:32:29,239 Well, you're the only late-night talk-show host 843 00:32:29,406 --> 00:32:30,574 who can make that joke. 844 00:32:30,741 --> 00:32:31,742 Plus, you're pro-choice, aren't you? 845 00:32:31,909 --> 00:32:33,577 I am. What do you think, Seven? 846 00:32:33,744 --> 00:32:35,454 My philosophy is that the show is generally better 847 00:32:35,621 --> 00:32:36,914 without the specter of abortion in it. 848 00:32:37,081 --> 00:32:38,165 But, you know, that's just me. 849 00:32:38,332 --> 00:32:40,125 I think it's audacious. 850 00:32:40,292 --> 00:32:42,920 Do... do people really want to hear about menopause? 851 00:32:43,087 --> 00:32:44,380 'Cause I-I don't. 852 00:32:44,546 --> 00:32:45,756 I don't know, I kind of liked it. 853 00:32:45,923 --> 00:32:47,508 BRAD: No, no, it is too political. 854 00:32:47,675 --> 00:32:49,802 -We don't do that. -We haven't done that in a while. 855 00:32:49,968 --> 00:32:51,178 Okay, so we'll start with fracking 856 00:32:51,345 --> 00:32:53,055 and we work our way up to abortion. 857 00:32:53,222 --> 00:32:55,766 People would talk about it, for sure. And you believe it. 858 00:32:56,809 --> 00:32:58,227 It's a bit long. 859 00:32:58,394 --> 00:33:00,979 Trim it and put it in the monologue. 860 00:33:02,231 --> 00:33:03,482 Okay. 861 00:33:03,649 --> 00:33:05,859 KATHERINE (over monitor): ...to Vegas, 862 00:33:06,026 --> 00:33:07,319 40 tourists were... 863 00:33:07,486 --> 00:33:09,113 Listen, you've written it out with 40. 864 00:33:09,279 --> 00:33:10,489 No, not make it bigger. 865 00:33:10,656 --> 00:33:12,324 -Make it wide... -That's got to be a word. 866 00:33:12,491 --> 00:33:14,159 -BRAD: Yeah. -Okay, but don't change it now. 867 00:33:14,326 --> 00:33:15,661 There's no point. Okay. 868 00:33:15,828 --> 00:33:17,246 Today, in Las Vegas, 40 tourists were... 869 00:33:17,413 --> 00:33:18,706 Burditt, I'm going to the bathroom. 870 00:33:18,872 --> 00:33:21,083 You never have to tell me that. 871 00:33:22,126 --> 00:33:25,003 ♪ ♪ 872 00:33:25,170 --> 00:33:27,131 -(bell rings) -(indistinct chatter) 873 00:33:33,804 --> 00:33:36,390 "I have spread my dreams under your feet. 874 00:33:36,557 --> 00:33:39,935 Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." 875 00:33:40,102 --> 00:33:41,979 Is that William Butler Yeats? 876 00:33:42,146 --> 00:33:44,148 -Oh. -(band warming up) 877 00:33:44,314 --> 00:33:46,692 -Uh, yeah, it is. -You're not supposed to be here. 878 00:33:46,859 --> 00:33:49,987 -What? -(band playing show theme) 879 00:33:50,154 --> 00:33:51,613 -All right. -(cheering, applause) 880 00:33:59,371 --> 00:34:00,914 Mimi Mismatch is here. 881 00:34:01,081 --> 00:34:02,708 I got a selfie. 882 00:34:02,875 --> 00:34:05,085 Maybe now my daughters will start talking to me again. 883 00:34:05,252 --> 00:34:07,755 So, you're doing the Planned Parenthood joke? 884 00:34:07,921 --> 00:34:10,424 -Mm-hmm. -Be careful of showing who you are. 885 00:34:10,591 --> 00:34:12,217 Once you turn that switch on, 886 00:34:12,384 --> 00:34:14,094 you can never turn it off again. 887 00:34:21,685 --> 00:34:24,438 ANNOUNCER: Katherine Newbury. 888 00:34:24,605 --> 00:34:26,231 -(crowd laughing) -Yeah. 889 00:34:26,398 --> 00:34:29,860 And I have not seen anyone so poorly received 890 00:34:30,027 --> 00:34:31,320 since I took a peanut butter sandwich 891 00:34:31,487 --> 00:34:32,613 into an elementary school. 892 00:34:32,780 --> 00:34:35,616 (laughter) 893 00:34:37,326 --> 00:34:39,912 It was announced today Starbucks will no longer 894 00:34:40,078 --> 00:34:41,997 be requiring a purchase to use their restrooms. 895 00:34:42,164 --> 00:34:44,875 Oh, no. I'm worried they might get disgusting. 896 00:34:45,042 --> 00:34:46,126 (laughter) 897 00:34:46,293 --> 00:34:47,544 (whispers): My joke's next. 898 00:34:47,711 --> 00:34:48,796 (chuckles) Yeah. 899 00:34:55,511 --> 00:34:58,305 So, there's an owl that's been dive-bombing tourists 900 00:34:58,472 --> 00:35:00,057 -in Times Square. -She skipped it. 901 00:35:00,224 --> 00:35:01,600 KATHERINE: Very dramatic. 902 00:35:01,767 --> 00:35:03,310 Not the only species angry about the price 903 00:35:03,477 --> 00:35:07,105 -of Hamilton tickets, I see. -(laughter) 904 00:35:07,272 --> 00:35:09,274 (band playing show theme) 905 00:35:09,441 --> 00:35:10,859 We're back. I'm excited. 906 00:35:11,026 --> 00:35:13,987 I'm here with YouTube phenomenon Mimi Mismatch. 907 00:35:14,154 --> 00:35:16,490 -(cheering) -(Mimi laughing) 908 00:35:19,660 --> 00:35:22,663 And the bit that launched you into superstardom, really, 909 00:35:22,830 --> 00:35:26,166 was you with your dog... Lenny. Here he is. 910 00:35:26,333 --> 00:35:28,836 And you sniffing his butt, sniffing Lenny's butt, 911 00:35:29,002 --> 00:35:31,463 and you pretend to faint. 912 00:35:31,630 --> 00:35:33,757 (laughter, applause) 913 00:35:33,924 --> 00:35:36,343 Because it smelled real bad. Yeah. 914 00:35:36,510 --> 00:35:40,305 And, um, how on earth did you come up with that? 915 00:35:40,472 --> 00:35:42,641 My dog Lenny had colitis 916 00:35:42,808 --> 00:35:46,395 and, for a while, had a real smelly butt. 917 00:35:46,562 --> 00:35:49,356 So I took my life, and I filmed it, 918 00:35:49,523 --> 00:35:52,734 because I find that the best comedy comes from truth. 919 00:35:52,901 --> 00:35:54,236 How wise. 920 00:35:54,403 --> 00:35:56,613 And these little videos of yours 921 00:35:56,780 --> 00:35:59,283 are your, as it were, contribution to the world? 922 00:35:59,449 --> 00:36:02,619 Your way of pushing mankind forward? 923 00:36:02,786 --> 00:36:04,413 -(laughter) -Well, they're fun. 924 00:36:04,580 --> 00:36:07,749 What would you say was your calling? 925 00:36:07,916 --> 00:36:09,626 My calling? 926 00:36:09,793 --> 00:36:11,795 Yes, I mean, what is it you're most passionate about? 927 00:36:11,962 --> 00:36:14,798 Is it dog butt videos, or would you ever expand 928 00:36:14,965 --> 00:36:17,593 into... cat butt videos, say? 929 00:36:17,759 --> 00:36:20,137 (crowd laughing, groaning) 930 00:36:20,304 --> 00:36:21,889 I know what you're doing. 931 00:36:22,055 --> 00:36:23,932 -Excuse me? -You're mocking me. 932 00:36:24,099 --> 00:36:27,019 You think that because my videos are light and silly 933 00:36:27,185 --> 00:36:29,605 that I'm somehow intellectually inferior to you? 934 00:36:29,771 --> 00:36:31,857 The only reason that I said yes to this talk show 935 00:36:32,024 --> 00:36:34,443 is because my mom said you were smart. 936 00:36:34,610 --> 00:36:36,987 But now I see that you are just a bitter, out of touch, 937 00:36:37,154 --> 00:36:38,947 -old lady who's mean to people she's... -Go, go. 938 00:36:39,114 --> 00:36:40,657 -...never even met before. -Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. 939 00:36:40,824 --> 00:36:42,200 -(band playing) -And the fact of the matter is... 940 00:36:42,367 --> 00:36:44,077 is that you need me, not the other way around. 941 00:36:44,244 --> 00:36:45,078 Bye. 942 00:36:45,245 --> 00:36:47,456 ♪ ♪ 943 00:36:48,665 --> 00:36:50,584 -(buzzer blares) -Uh, I don't know. 944 00:36:50,751 --> 00:36:52,628 -I'm sorry about that. -Did you not prep her? 945 00:36:52,794 --> 00:36:54,671 (horn honking) 946 00:36:54,838 --> 00:36:56,381 -Who here is good at sex? -MAN: Yeah! 947 00:36:56,548 --> 00:36:58,008 -(cheering, whooping) -Oh, all right, okay. 948 00:36:58,175 --> 00:37:00,093 -(laughter) -Now, I think 949 00:37:00,260 --> 00:37:02,220 that we're all about the same. 950 00:37:02,387 --> 00:37:05,974 All right? 'Cause the truth is there are like ten sex acts. 951 00:37:06,141 --> 00:37:08,518 And-and if you're... if you're an average American guy, 952 00:37:08,685 --> 00:37:10,604 you only need to do the first five. 953 00:37:10,771 --> 00:37:12,147 -(laughter) -That thought is 954 00:37:12,314 --> 00:37:13,815 entering your head: "I'm gonna go to six. 955 00:37:13,982 --> 00:37:15,233 I'm going..." Especially you. 956 00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:17,653 -Do not go to six. -(laughter) 957 00:37:17,819 --> 00:37:21,865 'Cause everybody's number six is different. 958 00:37:22,032 --> 00:37:23,158 What was your favorite part? 959 00:37:23,325 --> 00:37:24,660 MOLLY: You assumed I had one? 960 00:37:24,826 --> 00:37:26,787 Yeah. I was watching you, and you liked it. 961 00:37:26,954 --> 00:37:28,205 I did like it. 962 00:37:28,372 --> 00:37:30,415 I-I like how relaxed you are. 963 00:37:30,582 --> 00:37:32,501 Like you're not doing it for them. 964 00:37:32,668 --> 00:37:34,086 You know, you're doing it for you. 965 00:37:34,252 --> 00:37:36,380 I've never been relaxed a day in my life. 966 00:37:36,546 --> 00:37:38,131 No, I know, you're the hardest worker 967 00:37:38,298 --> 00:37:39,800 I've ever met, besides Tom. 968 00:37:39,967 --> 00:37:42,010 Which is probably why he's so threatened by you. 969 00:37:42,177 --> 00:37:43,762 Well, he shouldn't be. Katherine cut my joke. 970 00:37:43,929 --> 00:37:46,139 It was so embarrassing. I told my mom to watch. 971 00:37:46,306 --> 00:37:48,266 Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no, no. 972 00:37:48,433 --> 00:37:50,310 Never tell your parents to watch the show. 973 00:37:50,477 --> 00:37:53,063 That's like guaranteeing that they cut your joke. 974 00:37:53,230 --> 00:37:56,024 Also, um, get ready for this. 975 00:37:56,191 --> 00:37:58,860 Like, you'll spend all day writing 50 jokes, 976 00:37:59,027 --> 00:38:02,155 and they'll cut all of them, and you will have achieved 977 00:38:02,322 --> 00:38:06,159 as much as if you just stayed at home and called in sick. 978 00:38:06,326 --> 00:38:07,536 Okay. 979 00:38:07,703 --> 00:38:09,621 -So let me get this straight. -Mm-hmm. 980 00:38:09,788 --> 00:38:11,581 -Never use the women's restroom. -Mm-hmm. 981 00:38:11,748 --> 00:38:13,291 Never tell your parents to watch the show. 982 00:38:13,458 --> 00:38:15,043 -Mm-hmm. -Don't decorate your office. 983 00:38:15,210 --> 00:38:16,628 -And be fine being completely obsolete. -(chuckling) 984 00:38:16,795 --> 00:38:18,880 So just don't enjoy your job. 985 00:38:19,047 --> 00:38:22,300 -Uh, exactly. Yeah. -Oh. 986 00:38:22,467 --> 00:38:24,469 Oh, Tom tells me you do stand-up. 987 00:38:24,636 --> 00:38:26,138 -Are you good? -Oh, no. 988 00:38:26,304 --> 00:38:28,557 No, it's just a way for me to test out material. 989 00:38:28,724 --> 00:38:30,142 I am emceeing a show soon. 990 00:38:30,308 --> 00:38:32,477 It's a benefit for lung cancer. 991 00:38:32,644 --> 00:38:34,646 That's random. 992 00:38:34,813 --> 00:38:37,399 Not really. My dad died from it. 993 00:38:37,566 --> 00:38:39,192 Oh, fuck. (stammers) 994 00:38:39,359 --> 00:38:41,069 Uh, were you close? 995 00:38:41,236 --> 00:38:42,404 -With my father? -Well... 996 00:38:42,571 --> 00:38:43,739 (laughing): Yeah, I was. I was. 997 00:38:43,905 --> 00:38:45,365 -Now I feel I bad. -Fuck. I'm sorry. 998 00:38:45,532 --> 00:38:46,491 -I'm sorry. -No, I'm sorry. 999 00:38:46,658 --> 00:38:49,077 Do you need a-a good-looking, 1000 00:38:49,244 --> 00:38:52,456 moderately funny stand-up to-to close out the night? 1001 00:38:52,622 --> 00:38:54,499 -Wait, really? -Do you know any? 1002 00:38:54,666 --> 00:38:56,460 (laughs) That would be amazing. 1003 00:38:56,626 --> 00:38:58,253 Why would you do that for me? 1004 00:38:58,420 --> 00:38:59,546 Because I'm a nice guy. 1005 00:38:59,713 --> 00:39:01,256 Okay, I know you're not. 1006 00:39:01,423 --> 00:39:03,425 Look, I know what everyone thinks of me. 1007 00:39:03,592 --> 00:39:05,844 But just because I was lucky enough to get this job 1008 00:39:06,011 --> 00:39:07,554 doesn't mean I'm stupid enough to lose it. 1009 00:39:07,721 --> 00:39:09,473 So, if you think you can sleep with me 1010 00:39:09,639 --> 00:39:10,807 'cause you're not gonna see me 1011 00:39:10,974 --> 00:39:12,184 after three months, you're mistaken. 1012 00:39:12,350 --> 00:39:15,145 Who said anything about sleeping together? 1013 00:39:15,312 --> 00:39:17,355 ♪ ♪ 1014 00:39:19,608 --> 00:39:21,151 -♪ Oh, my, my, my... ♪ -Okay. 1015 00:39:21,318 --> 00:39:22,402 Thank you. I had a nice time. 1016 00:39:22,569 --> 00:39:23,737 "Thank you"? Wait, whoa, whoa. 1017 00:39:23,904 --> 00:39:24,780 Wait, wait. Where are you going? 1018 00:39:24,946 --> 00:39:26,031 Come over. 1019 00:39:26,198 --> 00:39:27,616 Oh. No. 1020 00:39:27,783 --> 00:39:29,159 No. Thank you. Thank you. 1021 00:39:29,326 --> 00:39:30,660 I just don't think it's a good idea. 1022 00:39:30,827 --> 00:39:32,788 Uh, yeah, no, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1023 00:39:32,954 --> 00:39:33,997 We-we can do this dance. 1024 00:39:34,164 --> 00:39:35,832 -Dance? -Yeah. 1025 00:39:35,999 --> 00:39:38,293 You won't sleep with me now, but you will in three weeks. 1026 00:39:38,460 --> 00:39:40,170 That's... I get it. It's a feminist thing. 1027 00:39:40,337 --> 00:39:41,421 Are you kidding? 1028 00:39:41,588 --> 00:39:43,090 Has this ever worked before? 1029 00:39:43,256 --> 00:39:44,716 (cell phone chimes) 1030 00:39:46,551 --> 00:39:47,928 Oh, no. 1031 00:39:48,095 --> 00:39:49,387 What? 1032 00:39:49,554 --> 00:39:52,140 The Mimi interview went viral in a bad way. 1033 00:39:52,307 --> 00:39:54,935 (crowd groaning, murmuring) 1034 00:39:56,645 --> 00:39:58,980 MIMI: You are just a bitter, out of touch, old lady 1035 00:39:59,147 --> 00:40:02,442 who's mean to people she's never even met before, and... 1036 00:40:05,529 --> 00:40:07,781 (phone ringing) 1037 00:40:07,948 --> 00:40:11,201 BRAD: The Mimi thing will blow over. 1038 00:40:11,368 --> 00:40:13,370 Am I like your least favorite aunt? 1039 00:40:13,537 --> 00:40:15,580 All my aunts are dead. 1040 00:40:18,291 --> 00:40:20,669 I need a publicist. 1041 00:40:20,836 --> 00:40:23,296 ROBIN: Making you accessible to the average American-- 1042 00:40:23,463 --> 00:40:24,464 that's what I do best. 1043 00:40:24,631 --> 00:40:25,799 I told Leo, "You want an Oscar? 1044 00:40:25,966 --> 00:40:27,134 Fight a bear." 1045 00:40:27,300 --> 00:40:28,635 You're not above the American public 1046 00:40:28,802 --> 00:40:30,971 or looking down at them. You are one of them. 1047 00:40:31,138 --> 00:40:32,848 -You're America's sweetheart, baby. -(Brad laughs) 1048 00:40:33,014 --> 00:40:34,933 But you got to put in face time with these journalists, 1049 00:40:35,100 --> 00:40:36,434 because they don't want to talk to me, and they certainly 1050 00:40:36,601 --> 00:40:37,394 don't want to talk to Brad. No offense. 1051 00:40:37,561 --> 00:40:38,770 Yeah, no, no. None taken. 1052 00:40:38,937 --> 00:40:40,105 I've been told I have no charisma. 1053 00:40:40,272 --> 00:40:42,649 Exactly. So, what if we threw a party 1054 00:40:42,816 --> 00:40:44,651 at your house and invited the press? 1055 00:40:44,818 --> 00:40:46,653 They could see you in your element. 1056 00:40:46,820 --> 00:40:49,281 You are not some cold witch who hates children. 1057 00:40:49,447 --> 00:40:51,950 You're cozy and domestic. 1058 00:40:52,117 --> 00:40:53,577 -I don't entertain. -You're an entertainer. 1059 00:40:53,743 --> 00:40:55,370 -I'm bad at small talk. -You're a talk-show host. 1060 00:40:55,537 --> 00:40:57,497 -I'm not a people person. -Oh, honey, that's ridiculous. 1061 00:40:57,664 --> 00:40:59,207 If you want to turn this ship around, 1062 00:40:59,374 --> 00:41:00,625 you're gonna have to be. 1063 00:41:00,792 --> 00:41:02,794 How do you feel about extensions? 1064 00:41:02,961 --> 00:41:05,005 ♪ ♪ 1065 00:41:07,424 --> 00:41:10,468 Holy shit, honey. 1066 00:41:10,635 --> 00:41:12,179 (chuckles) 1067 00:41:12,345 --> 00:41:15,223 (whispers): Oh, what am I doing here? 1068 00:41:15,390 --> 00:41:17,309 DANIEL: That's right. What's up, baby? 1069 00:41:17,475 --> 00:41:18,643 -Yes. Blah... -WOMAN: Hey, Daniel. 1070 00:41:18,810 --> 00:41:20,312 MAN: Daniel, you're funny, man. 1071 00:41:20,478 --> 00:41:22,522 Is that, um, that comedian, Daniel... 1072 00:41:22,689 --> 00:41:24,441 -Daniel Tennant. -Hmm. 1073 00:41:24,608 --> 00:41:27,194 (sighs) Billy Kastner's done amazing things with his career. 1074 00:41:27,360 --> 00:41:28,486 "You're welcome, America." 1075 00:41:28,653 --> 00:41:29,905 -(chuckles) -BRAD: Oh. 1076 00:41:30,071 --> 00:41:31,406 We're gonna get you some face time. 1077 00:41:31,573 --> 00:41:33,742 You got to just, you know, be cool about it. 1078 00:41:38,830 --> 00:41:40,081 Steve Martin gave it to her. 1079 00:41:40,248 --> 00:41:41,583 Costs more than my apartment. 1080 00:41:41,750 --> 00:41:44,085 It's so beautiful. 1081 00:41:44,252 --> 00:41:45,462 Mm. 1082 00:41:45,629 --> 00:41:46,880 Is that a tag? 1083 00:41:47,047 --> 00:41:48,423 Hmm? No. 1084 00:41:48,590 --> 00:41:50,717 -Well... -Oh, God. 1085 00:41:50,884 --> 00:41:52,427 Fuck. 1086 00:41:52,594 --> 00:41:54,262 Um, what are you doing after this? 1087 00:41:55,555 --> 00:41:57,098 I don't know. 1088 00:41:57,265 --> 00:41:59,059 But I w-will keep you posted. 1089 00:42:03,396 --> 00:42:04,814 -CHARLIE: Hello. -Oh, God. 1090 00:42:04,981 --> 00:42:07,025 -I thought you could use this. -Oh, I could. 1091 00:42:07,192 --> 00:42:08,568 -(Charlie chuckles) -(Katherine sighs) 1092 00:42:08,735 --> 00:42:12,280 I have never fake-smiled so much in my life. 1093 00:42:12,447 --> 00:42:14,574 -Is it obvious? -Very. Yeah. 1094 00:42:14,741 --> 00:42:16,910 It's-it's the same smile you had 1095 00:42:17,077 --> 00:42:18,870 when you lost your first Emmy to John Oliver. 1096 00:42:19,037 --> 00:42:20,330 (both chuckling) 1097 00:42:20,497 --> 00:42:21,873 -Thank you so much for reminding me. -Yeah. 1098 00:42:22,040 --> 00:42:23,541 -Have you got a cigarette? -CHARLIE: Yeah. 1099 00:42:23,708 --> 00:42:26,336 I was... yeah, I was wondering if I'd get a... 1100 00:42:26,503 --> 00:42:28,880 -a chance to talk to you alone. -Stop it, Charlie. 1101 00:42:29,047 --> 00:42:31,549 It was a mistake, and it'll never happen again. 1102 00:42:33,760 --> 00:42:36,179 And that's how I got involved in that charity. 1103 00:42:36,346 --> 00:42:38,515 I'm gonna go talk to some other people. 1104 00:42:40,016 --> 00:42:41,977 -Oh! -Oh, God. -Oh, shit. 1105 00:42:42,143 --> 00:42:44,771 -Oh, I'm so sorry. -Oh, I just got this blazer. 1106 00:42:44,938 --> 00:42:46,648 I need it for "Lampoon" hazing next week. 1107 00:42:46,815 --> 00:42:48,233 TOM: Hayes, remember Molly? 1108 00:42:48,400 --> 00:42:51,278 Yes. Hey, I'm so happy that you got that job. 1109 00:42:51,444 --> 00:42:52,696 It's really cool they did that. 1110 00:42:52,862 --> 00:42:53,863 -It's important. -Yeah. 1111 00:42:54,030 --> 00:42:55,699 Yeah, I think it's important 1112 00:42:55,865 --> 00:42:58,868 that they hire the funniest, most qualified people, too. 1113 00:43:04,624 --> 00:43:07,252 (piano playing slow melody) 1114 00:43:22,517 --> 00:43:24,394 Damn it. 1115 00:43:29,274 --> 00:43:30,942 Can I help you? 1116 00:43:31,109 --> 00:43:33,278 Uh, sorry, I just thought this was an empty room. 1117 00:43:33,445 --> 00:43:35,113 Why were you looking for an empty room? 1118 00:43:35,280 --> 00:43:38,491 Uh, just to be alone for a minute. 1119 00:43:38,658 --> 00:43:40,368 Not to steal anything. 1120 00:43:40,535 --> 00:43:43,371 Uh, although you have a lot of really nice stuff in here. 1121 00:43:43,538 --> 00:43:45,832 I'm not a thief, though. My name is Molly. 1122 00:43:45,999 --> 00:43:47,876 Hello, Molly, who's not a thief. 1123 00:43:48,043 --> 00:43:50,420 I know who you are, by the way. 1124 00:43:50,587 --> 00:43:52,422 You're Walter Lovell. 1125 00:43:52,589 --> 00:43:55,425 It's such an honor to meet you. You were one of the greats. 1126 00:43:55,592 --> 00:43:56,926 "Were." Jesus Christ. 1127 00:43:57,093 --> 00:43:58,428 Oh, no, no. 1128 00:43:58,595 --> 00:44:01,139 No, I mean, you're still amazing. (chuckles) 1129 00:44:01,306 --> 00:44:03,892 I mean, aren't you a professor emeritus at NYU? 1130 00:44:04,059 --> 00:44:05,143 "Emeritus" is what they call you 1131 00:44:05,310 --> 00:44:06,561 when you're not dead yet 1132 00:44:06,728 --> 00:44:08,229 but they don't want you to come in. 1133 00:44:08,396 --> 00:44:09,564 (chuckles) 1134 00:44:09,731 --> 00:44:11,566 I actually know what that's like. 1135 00:44:11,733 --> 00:44:12,984 I write on the show. 1136 00:44:13,151 --> 00:44:14,611 Your wife doesn't like me very much. 1137 00:44:14,778 --> 00:44:16,529 -Mm. -Why aren't you downstairs 1138 00:44:16,696 --> 00:44:18,114 with the rest of the party? 1139 00:44:18,281 --> 00:44:20,116 I think people have a better time 1140 00:44:20,283 --> 00:44:23,244 when they don't have to pretend they don't notice me twitching. 1141 00:44:23,411 --> 00:44:24,829 It's called neuropathy. 1142 00:44:24,996 --> 00:44:27,707 One of the symptoms of Parkinson's disease. 1143 00:44:27,874 --> 00:44:29,125 A piece of advice: 1144 00:44:29,292 --> 00:44:31,252 don't marry a man until he gives you 1145 00:44:31,419 --> 00:44:33,421 a complete genetic profile. 1146 00:44:33,588 --> 00:44:35,840 (chuckles) Luckily for me, there is 1147 00:44:36,007 --> 00:44:37,801 literally no interest from any man. 1148 00:44:37,967 --> 00:44:40,804 About Katherine: 1149 00:44:40,970 --> 00:44:42,680 Be useful. 1150 00:44:42,847 --> 00:44:45,392 Make it so that even if she doesn't like you, 1151 00:44:45,558 --> 00:44:47,060 she needs you. 1152 00:44:49,646 --> 00:44:51,064 If it's okay with you, 1153 00:44:51,231 --> 00:44:52,941 I'd like to stay here a little while 1154 00:44:53,108 --> 00:44:54,484 and just listen to you play. 1155 00:44:54,651 --> 00:44:56,319 All right. 1156 00:44:57,862 --> 00:44:59,906 ♪ ♪ 1157 00:45:02,742 --> 00:45:04,994 You have said "the only true meritocracy is in comedy." 1158 00:45:05,161 --> 00:45:06,538 Indeed, yes. I mean, it doesn't matter 1159 00:45:06,704 --> 00:45:08,081 where you're from, what you look like, 1160 00:45:08,248 --> 00:45:09,833 how much money your parents have. 1161 00:45:09,999 --> 00:45:11,960 Funny is funny, and that's meritocracy. 1162 00:45:12,127 --> 00:45:13,420 As long as you're white, 1163 00:45:13,586 --> 00:45:15,630 male and from an elite college, right? 1164 00:45:15,797 --> 00:45:17,799 Because that's all your writing staff is comprised of. 1165 00:45:17,966 --> 00:45:19,467 (crowd gasping, murmuring) 1166 00:45:19,634 --> 00:45:21,594 MOLLY: I write on the show. 1167 00:45:21,761 --> 00:45:24,472 And I definitely didn't go to a fancy college. 1168 00:45:24,639 --> 00:45:26,099 Tell me, does Katherine know your name? 1169 00:45:26,266 --> 00:45:28,393 I heard she refers to the writers by number. 1170 00:45:30,311 --> 00:45:32,230 I am called Eight. 1171 00:45:32,397 --> 00:45:33,648 -(crowd murmuring) -Because Katherine said 1172 00:45:33,815 --> 00:45:34,941 she couldn't be bothered to learn 1173 00:45:35,108 --> 00:45:36,484 everyone's name, so she just 1174 00:45:36,651 --> 00:45:38,736 pointed at the writers and shouted numbers 1175 00:45:38,903 --> 00:45:40,822 -and named me Eight. -(crowd murmuring) 1176 00:45:42,532 --> 00:45:45,243 Yeah, she also keeps us in cages and doesn't feed us. 1177 00:45:45,410 --> 00:45:48,079 -(laughter) -But she does let us 1178 00:45:48,246 --> 00:45:49,956 go to the bathroom once a day. 1179 00:45:50,123 --> 00:45:51,958 No, of course she knows our names. 1180 00:45:52,125 --> 00:45:54,627 My name is Molly. You have some bad information. 1181 00:45:54,794 --> 00:45:57,130 Yes, you do. This is, of course, Molly. 1182 00:45:57,297 --> 00:45:59,299 -Hi. Hello, Brad. -Everybody, let's make some room. 1183 00:45:59,466 --> 00:46:00,758 KATHERINE: Mm... 1184 00:46:00,925 --> 00:46:03,136 ROBIN: One of the writers, everybody. 1185 00:46:03,303 --> 00:46:05,430 -Hi. -How would you describe Molly? 1186 00:46:05,597 --> 00:46:07,098 Molly? Molly... 1187 00:46:07,265 --> 00:46:09,893 Molly is... (groans) 1188 00:46:10,059 --> 00:46:12,145 She said I was the vibrant splash of color 1189 00:46:12,312 --> 00:46:14,981 on the gray canvas of our writing staff. 1190 00:46:15,148 --> 00:46:16,483 I was really touched. 1191 00:46:16,649 --> 00:46:17,817 -Mm. -And then she said something to me 1192 00:46:17,984 --> 00:46:19,068 -that I will never forget. -Mm-hmm. 1193 00:46:19,235 --> 00:46:20,528 She said to me that, 1194 00:46:20,695 --> 00:46:22,405 despite our very different backgrounds, 1195 00:46:22,572 --> 00:46:24,407 that I reminded her 1196 00:46:24,574 --> 00:46:26,618 -of a younger her. -Younger me. 1197 00:46:26,784 --> 00:46:27,702 -ROBIN: Isn't that wonderful? -(crowd murmuring) 1198 00:46:27,869 --> 00:46:29,704 I mean... (mimics explosion) 1199 00:46:29,871 --> 00:46:31,956 -Huge. (laughs) -Mm... 1200 00:46:32,123 --> 00:46:33,833 You know what? Everybody's gonna want to get this. 1201 00:46:34,000 --> 00:46:35,710 -(cameras clicking) -Let's get a picture 1202 00:46:35,877 --> 00:46:38,838 of Katherine and her beautiful Indian protégée... 1203 00:46:39,005 --> 00:46:40,340 -Molly. -ROBIN: Molly. 1204 00:46:40,507 --> 00:46:42,008 -(applause) -(cameras continue clicking) 1205 00:46:44,093 --> 00:46:45,136 ROBIN: Oh. You guys getting that? 1206 00:46:45,303 --> 00:46:46,262 (crowd murmuring) 1207 00:46:46,429 --> 00:46:48,765 MAN: Thank you. 1208 00:46:48,932 --> 00:46:51,017 Yeah, it's pretty good. 1209 00:46:51,184 --> 00:46:53,019 Oh, I think it's going beautifully. 1210 00:46:53,186 --> 00:46:54,187 Mm-hmm. 1211 00:46:54,354 --> 00:46:55,605 You haven't killed anybody yet. 1212 00:46:55,772 --> 00:46:57,023 -KATHERINE: Nope. -(Walter chuckles) 1213 00:46:57,190 --> 00:46:59,651 KATHERINE: But it's still early. 1214 00:47:03,404 --> 00:47:05,198 You want to come over? 1215 00:47:05,365 --> 00:47:07,659 -Uh, yeah, sure. -Oh, excuse me. 1216 00:47:07,825 --> 00:47:09,911 -(cell phone alarm ringing) -Thank you. 1217 00:47:11,204 --> 00:47:12,330 Oh. (chuckles) 1218 00:47:12,497 --> 00:47:14,040 Three weeks. Right on time. 1219 00:47:14,207 --> 00:47:15,792 Wait, really? 1220 00:47:15,959 --> 00:47:18,378 (laughing): No, I just set that before I came over. 1221 00:47:18,545 --> 00:47:20,004 -Very funny. Very, very funny. -Come on. 1222 00:47:20,171 --> 00:47:22,632 Billy Kastner. 1223 00:47:22,799 --> 00:47:23,883 -Hey. -I guess everybody can get 1224 00:47:24,050 --> 00:47:25,051 invited to this party. 1225 00:47:25,218 --> 00:47:26,553 (chuckles) Uh, I would like 1226 00:47:26,719 --> 00:47:28,680 to introduce you two to Danny Tennant. 1227 00:47:28,846 --> 00:47:30,557 -Danny, Walter Lovell. -Hey, man. 1228 00:47:30,723 --> 00:47:31,975 How you doing, Walter? 1229 00:47:32,141 --> 00:47:33,226 -And, of course... -Wow. 1230 00:47:33,393 --> 00:47:34,894 -Katherine Newbury. -Wow. 1231 00:47:35,061 --> 00:47:36,271 Classiest couple in New York City 1232 00:47:36,437 --> 00:47:37,814 since Diane Sawyer and Mike Nichols. 1233 00:47:37,981 --> 00:47:39,524 Danny here-- very funny, very famous, 1234 00:47:39,691 --> 00:47:41,568 and currently, every female coed 1235 00:47:41,734 --> 00:47:43,361 in the United States wants to lose 1236 00:47:43,528 --> 00:47:45,488 -their virginity to him. -Stop. That's... Just half. 1237 00:47:45,655 --> 00:47:47,365 -Well, that's gonna keep you busy. -Mm. 1238 00:47:47,532 --> 00:47:49,742 And, Katherine, I'm sorry, I have to say, I am such a fan. 1239 00:47:49,909 --> 00:47:52,120 I mean, you were such an inspiration for me growing up. 1240 00:47:52,287 --> 00:47:54,122 And your comedy is so smart. 1241 00:47:54,289 --> 00:47:55,748 You know, I'll-I'll be watching your show, and I have to, like, 1242 00:47:55,915 --> 00:47:57,250 look up half the words you say. (laughs) 1243 00:47:57,417 --> 00:47:59,502 (chuckles) That's so kind. 1244 00:47:59,669 --> 00:48:02,463 Did you take a shit in anyone's shoes yet? 1245 00:48:02,630 --> 00:48:04,132 -Um... -You know, from your stand-up. 1246 00:48:04,299 --> 00:48:06,050 When you're at parties, you like to take a shit 1247 00:48:06,217 --> 00:48:07,594 -in other people's shoes. -(laughter) 1248 00:48:07,760 --> 00:48:09,470 That's from the special. You saw the special. 1249 00:48:09,637 --> 00:48:10,597 -BILLY: Yeah, well... -DANIEL: Remember that? 1250 00:48:10,763 --> 00:48:12,724 -Diarrhea! -(laughter) 1251 00:48:12,890 --> 00:48:15,226 Did you enjoy talking to my writing staff? 1252 00:48:15,393 --> 00:48:18,313 -Yes. Talented guys. -They are. 1253 00:48:18,479 --> 00:48:20,356 Charlie Fain, especially. 1254 00:48:20,523 --> 00:48:23,776 So, Danny, what's next for you? Prank show on MTV? 1255 00:48:23,943 --> 00:48:25,695 Or an arena tour sponsored by an energy drink? 1256 00:48:25,862 --> 00:48:27,155 (chuckles) No, I think, actually, 1257 00:48:27,322 --> 00:48:28,990 I'm gonna take a little bit of time off, 1258 00:48:29,157 --> 00:48:30,908 you know, and work on some new material 1259 00:48:31,075 --> 00:48:33,620 and just kind of kick around some new ideas and stuff. 1260 00:48:33,786 --> 00:48:35,288 You're at the height of your stand-up career, 1261 00:48:35,455 --> 00:48:37,123 and you're stopping to kick around ideas? 1262 00:48:39,334 --> 00:48:40,877 Yeah. 1263 00:48:43,296 --> 00:48:44,547 Oh. 1264 00:48:44,714 --> 00:48:46,424 Daniel Tennant?! 1265 00:48:46,591 --> 00:48:49,719 You're replacing me with Daniel fucking Tennant?! 1266 00:48:49,886 --> 00:48:51,346 We're in negotiations with him. Thank you, Margaret. 1267 00:48:51,512 --> 00:48:52,722 You cannot do this. 1268 00:48:52,889 --> 00:48:54,390 We are working on something back there. 1269 00:48:54,557 --> 00:48:56,517 -You have to give us a chance. -You had a chance. 1270 00:48:56,684 --> 00:48:59,062 That's what ten years of ratings decline is. 1271 00:48:59,228 --> 00:49:00,772 Look, you can make it easy for yourself. 1272 00:49:00,938 --> 00:49:02,774 You can welcome him in, make it seem like 1273 00:49:02,940 --> 00:49:04,192 you were part of the decision. 1274 00:49:04,359 --> 00:49:05,568 Or it can be hard. 1275 00:49:05,735 --> 00:49:07,111 The choice is entirely up to you. 1276 00:49:07,278 --> 00:49:09,030 Believe me, I take no pleasure in this. 1277 00:49:09,197 --> 00:49:10,823 Oh, for God's sake, do me the courtesy 1278 00:49:10,990 --> 00:49:12,825 of at least not lying to my face. 1279 00:49:12,992 --> 00:49:15,286 (laughing): Fine. I take a great deal of pleasure in this. 1280 00:49:15,453 --> 00:49:18,331 Katherine, did you ever wonder if I think you're funny? 1281 00:49:18,498 --> 00:49:19,874 No. 1282 00:49:20,041 --> 00:49:21,334 Do you think I should think you're funny, 1283 00:49:21,501 --> 00:49:22,752 as president of the network you're on? 1284 00:49:22,919 --> 00:49:25,463 I've seen six presidents of this network 1285 00:49:25,630 --> 00:49:27,215 come and go while I've been here. 1286 00:49:27,382 --> 00:49:30,385 Somalian fucking warlords have more job stability. 1287 00:49:30,551 --> 00:49:32,261 You didn't answer my question. 1288 00:49:32,428 --> 00:49:35,640 If you're asking me if I've ever respected your taste, 1289 00:49:35,807 --> 00:49:38,142 then the answer, Caroline, is no. 1290 00:49:38,309 --> 00:49:40,978 And if you want to replace me with a meme-- 1291 00:49:41,145 --> 00:49:42,939 a T-shirt of a man who hides his xenophobia 1292 00:49:43,106 --> 00:49:44,691 and, by the way, his hatred of women 1293 00:49:44,857 --> 00:49:47,485 behind a congenial frat-boy persona-- 1294 00:49:47,652 --> 00:49:49,570 just to make yourself seem relevant, 1295 00:49:49,737 --> 00:49:51,447 then, by all means, you go ahead. 1296 00:49:51,614 --> 00:49:54,075 But I will not allow you to destroy the show that I built. 1297 00:49:57,286 --> 00:49:59,330 ♪ ♪ 1298 00:50:11,968 --> 00:50:13,553 You know what's funny? You remember how kids 1299 00:50:13,720 --> 00:50:15,096 used to have those, like, little games in their pocket. 1300 00:50:15,263 --> 00:50:17,223 -We passed on that. -(indistinct chatter) 1301 00:50:17,390 --> 00:50:19,100 Oh. 1302 00:50:20,101 --> 00:50:21,644 Where are you going? 1303 00:50:21,811 --> 00:50:23,980 Oh, uh, Four and I have that charity comedy event. 1304 00:50:24,147 --> 00:50:26,190 -I'm the emcee. -Well, you're not going. 1305 00:50:26,357 --> 00:50:28,985 I'm so sorry. I have to go. It starts in 30 minutes, 1306 00:50:29,152 --> 00:50:30,862 and there would be no one to replace me. 1307 00:50:31,028 --> 00:50:32,697 And who's going to be replacing you here? 1308 00:50:32,864 --> 00:50:34,449 Look around the room-- all these guys are staying. 1309 00:50:34,615 --> 00:50:36,826 Four's not going. 1310 00:50:36,993 --> 00:50:39,412 -Molly, it's not worth it. -I would listen to that. 1311 00:50:39,579 --> 00:50:41,247 That's pretty good advice. 1312 00:50:42,915 --> 00:50:45,960 I have stayed late every single night this month. 1313 00:50:46,127 --> 00:50:47,795 It's for a charity. 1314 00:50:47,962 --> 00:50:50,214 -I'm sorry, I'm very torn. -Well, you shouldn't be torn, 1315 00:50:50,381 --> 00:50:52,133 and you shouldn't be letting me know that you're torn. 1316 00:50:52,300 --> 00:50:53,926 You can't just download your emotional state onto me 1317 00:50:54,093 --> 00:50:56,763 and hope that your honesty will somehow exonerate you. 1318 00:50:56,929 --> 00:50:58,890 "Upload." 1319 00:50:59,056 --> 00:51:00,516 What? 1320 00:51:00,683 --> 00:51:02,602 Uh, it's-it's "upload your emotional state." 1321 00:51:02,769 --> 00:51:04,395 So, if, um... if you take something 1322 00:51:04,562 --> 00:51:05,730 off the Internet, that's "download." 1323 00:51:05,897 --> 00:51:07,648 If you put something on, that's "upload." 1324 00:51:07,815 --> 00:51:09,525 So, like, if this conversation were the Internet... 1325 00:51:09,692 --> 00:51:12,570 -Shut up, Seven. What the fuck? -Yeah. 1326 00:51:12,737 --> 00:51:15,740 Eight, if you leave, don't come back. 1327 00:51:18,284 --> 00:51:21,162 I made a commitment. I'm sorry. 1328 00:51:24,499 --> 00:51:26,501 -(door opens, closes) -MANCUSO: Okay. Okay. 1329 00:51:26,667 --> 00:51:28,711 -TOM: Okay, so... -BRAD: Yeah, continue. 1330 00:51:28,878 --> 00:51:30,755 (quiet chatter) 1331 00:51:30,922 --> 00:51:32,799 Hey, hey, hey. Give me the lineup. 1332 00:51:32,965 --> 00:51:34,717 Thank you. 1333 00:51:36,469 --> 00:51:38,679 (indistinct chatter) 1334 00:51:42,850 --> 00:51:45,019 Okay, so... okay, so here's the pitch. 1335 00:51:45,186 --> 00:51:46,854 You are a pirate. 1336 00:51:47,021 --> 00:51:48,481 It's 1860s. 1337 00:51:48,648 --> 00:51:51,234 (conversation continues indistinctly) 1338 00:51:54,195 --> 00:51:55,905 Yeah, no, look, I mean, that's, like, 1339 00:51:56,072 --> 00:51:57,365 well, if it's, like she's got 1340 00:51:57,532 --> 00:51:59,867 -the parrot on her shoulder... -Right. 1341 00:52:00,034 --> 00:52:01,577 My day sucked. 1342 00:52:01,744 --> 00:52:03,246 I was fired from my job. 1343 00:52:03,412 --> 00:52:04,664 No, yeah. 1344 00:52:04,831 --> 00:52:06,457 Really, really, like 15 minutes ago. 1345 00:52:06,624 --> 00:52:10,336 I was actually fired for coming here to be with you guys. 1346 00:52:10,503 --> 00:52:12,338 And now, looking out in the audience, 1347 00:52:12,505 --> 00:52:14,257 (laughing): I'm not sure I made the right decision. 1348 00:52:14,423 --> 00:52:16,133 -(laughter) -No, but really, 1349 00:52:16,300 --> 00:52:18,094 I got fired, and, um, 1350 00:52:18,261 --> 00:52:19,846 I didn't think that was possible. 1351 00:52:20,012 --> 00:52:23,182 I mean, look at me, guys. 1352 00:52:23,349 --> 00:52:26,853 Look. I am a dark-skinned Indian woman. 1353 00:52:27,019 --> 00:52:28,688 -Aren't I un-fireable? -(laughter) 1354 00:52:28,855 --> 00:52:31,399 I mean, I'm a token, for God's sakes. You don't... 1355 00:52:31,566 --> 00:52:33,192 Why is this for lung cancer? 1356 00:52:33,359 --> 00:52:35,611 I think the emcee girl's dad died from it. 1357 00:52:35,778 --> 00:52:38,155 -Who's the emcee? -I think she works at Colbert. 1358 00:52:38,322 --> 00:52:40,074 -She works for me. -MOLLY: See, now 1359 00:52:40,241 --> 00:52:41,993 I'm convincing myself that I-I should've been fired. 1360 00:52:42,159 --> 00:52:43,661 -(laughter) -Thank you so much for being here, and thank you 1361 00:52:43,828 --> 00:52:45,162 for coming out for this great cause. 1362 00:52:45,329 --> 00:52:48,666 Let's keep it going. Our next performer is... 1363 00:52:54,213 --> 00:52:56,507 Our next performer, uh, uh... 1364 00:52:56,674 --> 00:52:59,135 Okay, this is surprising for a-a variety of reasons. 1365 00:52:59,302 --> 00:53:02,221 Our next performer is Katherine Newbury, everyone. 1366 00:53:02,388 --> 00:53:04,640 (crowd murmuring) 1367 00:53:04,807 --> 00:53:06,726 (cheering and applause) 1368 00:53:06,893 --> 00:53:08,853 Thanks. Thank you. Thank you. 1369 00:53:09,020 --> 00:53:10,646 Thank you so much. Thank you. 1370 00:53:10,813 --> 00:53:12,064 Thank you very much. 1371 00:53:14,275 --> 00:53:15,401 Thank you. Thank you very much. 1372 00:53:15,568 --> 00:53:16,944 Thank you. Now shut up. 1373 00:53:18,237 --> 00:53:19,488 So, I joined Twitter. 1374 00:53:19,655 --> 00:53:21,407 I didn't want to. My publicist made me. 1375 00:53:21,574 --> 00:53:23,868 And... (sighs) I was okay at first. 1376 00:53:24,035 --> 00:53:25,912 I was... with the twittering and the tweeting, 1377 00:53:26,078 --> 00:53:27,830 but do you know where it lost me? 1378 00:53:27,997 --> 00:53:30,833 Fave-ing. Fave-ing. 1379 00:53:31,000 --> 00:53:34,712 Because "fave" is short for "favorite," right? 1380 00:53:34,879 --> 00:53:37,757 But you can only have one favorite. 1381 00:53:37,924 --> 00:53:39,383 You can only have one. 1382 00:53:39,550 --> 00:53:41,636 You can't have lots of favorites. It's stupid. 1383 00:53:43,179 --> 00:53:44,263 F-Faves. Faves. 1384 00:53:44,430 --> 00:53:46,265 They can't all be your favorite. 1385 00:53:46,432 --> 00:53:47,934 It's stupid. 1386 00:53:51,854 --> 00:53:56,192 Lot of Twitter fans in the audience tonight, I see. 1387 00:53:56,359 --> 00:53:59,445 So, that's not working. 1388 00:54:02,323 --> 00:54:05,076 Well, shit, guys. 1389 00:54:05,242 --> 00:54:08,454 I don't know. I just don't know. 1390 00:54:10,039 --> 00:54:11,999 I guess that's why 1391 00:54:12,166 --> 00:54:15,169 they're taking my show away from me. 1392 00:54:15,336 --> 00:54:17,755 -Yeah. -Whoa. 1393 00:54:17,922 --> 00:54:19,966 Yeah, that's happening. 1394 00:54:21,926 --> 00:54:24,887 They're taking my show away, and the thing is... 1395 00:54:29,141 --> 00:54:33,688 The thing is, if they take my show away, 1396 00:54:33,854 --> 00:54:37,608 I do not know what I am going to do. 1397 00:54:39,568 --> 00:54:42,697 I am a woman in my 50s in Hollywood. 1398 00:54:44,657 --> 00:54:46,575 I don't know what I'm going to do. 1399 00:54:46,742 --> 00:54:50,329 In Hollywood, what am I going to do? 1400 00:54:54,333 --> 00:54:56,460 You know what? I've got it. 1401 00:54:58,421 --> 00:55:00,172 I could play Sean Penn's grandmother 1402 00:55:00,339 --> 00:55:02,466 in the movie where he is married to Emma Stone. 1403 00:55:02,633 --> 00:55:05,594 -(laughter) -His childhood sweetheart. 1404 00:55:05,761 --> 00:55:07,304 It's so unfair. 1405 00:55:07,471 --> 00:55:09,265 I mean, Tom Cruise is the same age as me. 1406 00:55:09,432 --> 00:55:10,850 We're the same age. 1407 00:55:11,017 --> 00:55:12,601 He gets to fight the Mummy. I am the Mummy. 1408 00:55:12,768 --> 00:55:14,103 -(laughing) -You know what? No, no, no. 1409 00:55:14,270 --> 00:55:15,646 I'm too old to play the Mummy. 1410 00:55:15,813 --> 00:55:17,481 They'd get Anne Hathaway in to play the Mummy 1411 00:55:17,648 --> 00:55:18,983 and put, like, Mummy makeup on her. 1412 00:55:19,150 --> 00:55:20,401 -(laughter) -I'm probably gonna have to have 1413 00:55:20,568 --> 00:55:22,111 a facelift just to do voice work. 1414 00:55:22,278 --> 00:55:24,655 I'm gonna have to have, like, Botox and lip filler 1415 00:55:24,822 --> 00:55:28,451 just to play the voice of a wise old tree in a Pixar movie. 1416 00:55:28,617 --> 00:55:30,202 -(laughter) -You know when you're watching 1417 00:55:30,369 --> 00:55:32,538 an awards show, and they play people off with music? 1418 00:55:32,705 --> 00:55:34,582 You know, when they've gone on for too long? 1419 00:55:34,749 --> 00:55:36,333 I feel like that's what they're doing to my life right now. 1420 00:55:36,500 --> 00:55:38,794 They're just, "Get off. Time to die. 1421 00:55:38,961 --> 00:55:40,463 "Just fuck off. 1422 00:55:40,629 --> 00:55:43,257 "Take that old face and just go. 1423 00:55:43,424 --> 00:55:46,177 "Go sit. Go sit in the dark somewhere. 1424 00:55:46,343 --> 00:55:48,012 "You remind us all of our ex-wives. 1425 00:55:48,179 --> 00:55:49,764 Yeah. The older ones." 1426 00:55:49,930 --> 00:55:51,640 (laughter, applause) 1427 00:55:51,807 --> 00:55:53,225 Thank you. Yeah. 1428 00:55:53,392 --> 00:55:55,728 I hope I earned the privilege of your time. 1429 00:55:55,895 --> 00:55:58,606 (cheering) 1430 00:56:05,362 --> 00:56:07,114 Thank you, Dee, so very much. 1431 00:56:07,281 --> 00:56:09,492 -Get in the car. -Okay. 1432 00:56:09,658 --> 00:56:11,660 She's coming back. She's coming back! 1433 00:56:11,827 --> 00:56:13,621 Come on, come on, you guys. 1434 00:56:13,788 --> 00:56:15,581 (frantic chatter) 1435 00:56:15,748 --> 00:56:17,583 Don't push me. Don't push me. 1436 00:56:17,750 --> 00:56:19,752 She's coming back. 1437 00:56:19,919 --> 00:56:22,463 -Uh, um... -Uh... 1438 00:56:22,630 --> 00:56:25,382 (overlapping, indistinct chatter) 1439 00:56:25,549 --> 00:56:27,760 -(door opens) -Hey, hey. Look who's back. 1440 00:56:27,927 --> 00:56:29,136 -Oh, my God. -(writers murmuring) 1441 00:56:29,303 --> 00:56:31,180 -Hey. -Hey. 1442 00:56:31,347 --> 00:56:33,390 (sighs) This is my fault. 1443 00:56:33,557 --> 00:56:36,393 You were too scared to tell me what you really think, 1444 00:56:36,560 --> 00:56:38,771 and I think I was too scared to hear the truth. 1445 00:56:41,107 --> 00:56:44,527 I am the only woman in late-night network television, 1446 00:56:44,693 --> 00:56:48,280 but I have been doing the same format and the same jokes-- 1447 00:56:48,447 --> 00:56:52,076 hell, even the same cadences-- as some of these other guys. 1448 00:56:52,243 --> 00:56:53,577 So, what are you saying? 1449 00:56:53,744 --> 00:56:54,745 You want more jokes about female issues? 1450 00:56:54,912 --> 00:56:56,080 No, Seven, I-I'm not asking you 1451 00:56:56,247 --> 00:56:57,832 to write me a tight five on menstruation. 1452 00:56:57,998 --> 00:57:00,167 I just want to say only things I can talk about. 1453 00:57:00,334 --> 00:57:01,836 Nothing is off-limits. If you think it's funny, 1454 00:57:02,002 --> 00:57:03,462 I don't care how personal it is. 1455 00:57:03,629 --> 00:57:06,423 I am a 56-year-old Englishwoman 1456 00:57:06,590 --> 00:57:09,593 who has never given birth or seen a superhero film. 1457 00:57:09,760 --> 00:57:11,303 Write to that. You cannot offend me. 1458 00:57:11,470 --> 00:57:13,931 If you don't know enough about me, come and talk to me. 1459 00:57:14,098 --> 00:57:15,724 I swear I will not scream at you. 1460 00:57:15,891 --> 00:57:18,644 I want it to be specific, and I want it to be political. 1461 00:57:18,811 --> 00:57:20,604 I'm gonna do the abortion joke tomorrow, and, Seven, 1462 00:57:20,771 --> 00:57:21,981 she's writing monologue jokes with you. 1463 00:57:22,148 --> 00:57:23,524 Uh... sorry, I'm not 1464 00:57:23,691 --> 00:57:25,568 a screenwriting course at the JFK Radisson. 1465 00:57:25,734 --> 00:57:27,820 I can't teach a total novice how to write jokes overnight. 1466 00:57:27,987 --> 00:57:30,030 (chuckles) No. I hate to break this to you, Seven, 1467 00:57:30,197 --> 00:57:31,740 but you're not gonna be teaching anything, 1468 00:57:31,907 --> 00:57:33,909 because I want someone who doesn't think in exactly 1469 00:57:34,076 --> 00:57:35,911 the same way as everyone else in the goddamn room. 1470 00:57:36,078 --> 00:57:37,329 So she's writing monologue jokes with you. 1471 00:57:37,496 --> 00:57:40,207 Listen to me, no matter what you hear-- 1472 00:57:40,374 --> 00:57:42,459 online, from your agents, wherever-- 1473 00:57:42,626 --> 00:57:44,712 believe only this: 1474 00:57:44,879 --> 00:57:46,881 This is my show, 1475 00:57:47,047 --> 00:57:48,841 and I'm not going fucking anywhere. 1476 00:57:49,008 --> 00:57:50,092 (applause) 1477 00:57:50,259 --> 00:57:51,886 Thank you. Thank you so much. 1478 00:57:52,052 --> 00:57:53,888 We've got a great show for you tonight. 1479 00:57:54,054 --> 00:57:55,514 More good news from Washington. 1480 00:57:55,681 --> 00:57:58,350 Three Republican senators have yet again proposed 1481 00:57:58,517 --> 00:58:00,895 a bill to defund Planned Parenthood. 1482 00:58:01,061 --> 00:58:04,356 As always, the men most obsessed with women's sex lives 1483 00:58:04,523 --> 00:58:06,358 are the ones getting laid the least. 1484 00:58:06,525 --> 00:58:08,235 (laughter) 1485 00:58:08,402 --> 00:58:09,778 I never thought I'd say this, 1486 00:58:09,945 --> 00:58:11,405 but thank God I'm going through menopause. 1487 00:58:11,572 --> 00:58:14,158 -(laughter) -♪ It's how you dance now ♪ 1488 00:58:14,325 --> 00:58:16,493 ♪ Shakin' your hair around ♪ 1489 00:58:16,660 --> 00:58:18,204 -(laughs) -♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 1490 00:58:18,370 --> 00:58:21,207 ♪ There's only one you, so do it like you do... ♪ 1491 00:58:21,373 --> 00:58:24,001 What exactly is wrong with my bits? 1492 00:58:24,168 --> 00:58:25,711 To be honest, 1493 00:58:25,878 --> 00:58:28,130 you're a little old and a little white. 1494 00:58:28,297 --> 00:58:30,382 Okay. Those are facts. 1495 00:58:30,549 --> 00:58:32,760 What the fuck can I do about that? 1496 00:58:34,428 --> 00:58:37,514 So, recently, someone accused me of being, 1497 00:58:37,681 --> 00:58:40,809 quote, "a little bit old and a little bit white." 1498 00:58:40,976 --> 00:58:43,854 To which I responded: "I'm very old and very white." 1499 00:58:44,021 --> 00:58:46,523 -I never do things halfway. -(laughter) 1500 00:58:46,690 --> 00:58:48,567 But what can a person like me do about that? 1501 00:58:48,734 --> 00:58:51,028 If I try and fix it, I can come across 1502 00:58:51,195 --> 00:58:53,405 as trying to be some sort of white savior. 1503 00:58:53,572 --> 00:58:55,199 Then I decided I was okay with that, 1504 00:58:55,366 --> 00:58:58,994 so let me introduce you to a new series on Tonight: 1505 00:58:59,161 --> 00:59:01,163 "Katherine Newbury: White Savior." 1506 00:59:01,330 --> 00:59:03,499 My name is Katherine Newbury. Do you watch my show? 1507 00:59:03,666 --> 00:59:04,833 -No. -Nah. 1508 00:59:05,000 --> 00:59:08,003 Okay. Well, that's demoralizing. 1509 00:59:08,170 --> 00:59:10,547 Could you tell me if there's been any instance recently 1510 00:59:10,714 --> 00:59:12,716 where you feel that you've been treated differently 1511 00:59:12,883 --> 00:59:14,385 because of the way you look? 1512 00:59:14,551 --> 00:59:17,054 -Yeah. -I feel like I can never hail a cab. 1513 00:59:17,221 --> 00:59:19,515 You feel like you can never hail a cab? 1514 00:59:19,682 --> 00:59:21,850 Let's see what we can do about that. 1515 00:59:22,017 --> 00:59:23,143 (whistles) 1516 00:59:23,310 --> 00:59:26,397 Here we go. Ah. 1517 00:59:26,563 --> 00:59:27,982 Hey, um... 1518 00:59:28,148 --> 00:59:29,733 I actually didn't need to go anywhere. 1519 00:59:29,900 --> 00:59:32,278 That doesn't matter. This is how white saviors work. 1520 00:59:32,444 --> 00:59:33,612 (laughter) 1521 00:59:33,779 --> 00:59:35,447 ♪ It's how you move now ♪ 1522 00:59:35,614 --> 00:59:37,032 (chuckling) 1523 00:59:37,199 --> 00:59:38,284 -♪ Gettin' your groove out... ♪ -Okay. 1524 00:59:38,450 --> 00:59:39,743 -(indistinct chatter) -Okay. 1525 00:59:39,910 --> 00:59:41,578 I don't understand why people wouldn't want 1526 00:59:41,745 --> 00:59:44,415 to get to know about great journalists and writers. 1527 00:59:44,581 --> 00:59:46,834 Because that shit is boring. This is a comedy show. 1528 00:59:47,001 --> 00:59:50,004 ANNOUNCER: And now your host, Katherine Newbury. 1529 00:59:50,170 --> 00:59:54,091 Now, you are in a show about teen vampires 1530 00:59:54,258 --> 00:59:56,593 -called Van Helsing Prep. -(scattered cheers) 1531 00:59:56,760 --> 00:59:59,513 And you play a character called Lydia Stoker. 1532 00:59:59,680 --> 01:00:03,017 I can see they did a lot... a lot of research for this. 1533 01:00:03,183 --> 01:00:04,935 (both chuckling) 1534 01:00:05,102 --> 01:00:07,271 It's-it's silly. Whatever. It's for teens. 1535 01:00:07,438 --> 01:00:09,440 She actually seems very smart. 1536 01:00:09,606 --> 01:00:11,358 ACTRESS: ...even though she's always in a bikini, 1537 01:00:11,525 --> 01:00:13,485 -which doesn't even really make sense. -I'd watch that show. 1538 01:00:13,652 --> 01:00:15,487 -I'll start to watch that show. -Mm-hmm. 1539 01:00:15,654 --> 01:00:17,614 Kind of a guilty pleasure? 1540 01:00:17,781 --> 01:00:19,033 Well, you know what I think? 1541 01:00:21,368 --> 01:00:23,954 There's no such thing as guilty pleasures-- 1542 01:00:24,121 --> 01:00:25,873 only pleasures-- 1543 01:00:26,040 --> 01:00:29,418 and I think Van Helsing Prep is a real pleasure. 1544 01:00:29,585 --> 01:00:30,878 You've seen it? 1545 01:00:31,045 --> 01:00:32,546 Yes. And your character is reminiscent 1546 01:00:32,713 --> 01:00:34,798 of Tess of the d'Urbervilles. 1547 01:00:36,550 --> 01:00:38,969 I... What I mean is that it is, um... 1548 01:00:39,136 --> 01:00:40,304 it's very hard to pull off. 1549 01:00:40,471 --> 01:00:43,682 Thank you so much for saying that. 1550 01:00:43,849 --> 01:00:45,476 -I mean, I haven't seen every episode. -(laughter) 1551 01:00:45,642 --> 01:00:47,144 Can I hug you? 1552 01:00:47,311 --> 01:00:48,228 I... Sorry? 1553 01:00:48,395 --> 01:00:50,397 Hug you? 1554 01:00:50,564 --> 01:00:51,690 -She wants to hug you. -Yeah. 1555 01:00:51,857 --> 01:00:52,691 -Hug her. -Yeah. 1556 01:00:52,858 --> 01:00:55,277 Um, yeah, sure. 1557 01:00:55,444 --> 01:00:56,362 ♪ La-la la la ♪ 1558 01:00:56,528 --> 01:00:58,405 (Katherine gasping) 1559 01:00:58,572 --> 01:01:00,240 ♪ I'm gonna dance till I die... ♪ 1560 01:01:00,407 --> 01:01:02,076 -Heavens to Betsy. -(audience awwing) 1561 01:01:02,242 --> 01:01:04,745 Th-th-there, there, there. There, there. 1562 01:01:04,912 --> 01:01:05,829 Hey. 1563 01:01:05,996 --> 01:01:07,289 Burditt's outside smoking. 1564 01:01:07,456 --> 01:01:09,833 No, I came to talk to you about a bit. 1565 01:01:10,000 --> 01:01:11,418 Katherine helps people 1566 01:01:11,585 --> 01:01:14,171 complain about a messed-up Meal Kwik order? 1567 01:01:14,338 --> 01:01:15,631 I don't even know if it's a thing yet, 1568 01:01:15,798 --> 01:01:17,174 but do you want to work on it with me? 1569 01:01:17,341 --> 01:01:18,884 -With me? -Yeah. 1570 01:01:19,051 --> 01:01:20,386 Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, of course, of course. 1571 01:01:20,552 --> 01:01:21,804 Please. Come in. Welcome. 1572 01:01:21,970 --> 01:01:23,180 -I'll-I'll go get a chair. -Yeah. 1573 01:01:23,347 --> 01:01:24,723 Or even, like, a trash can or whatever. 1574 01:01:24,890 --> 01:01:26,725 -Very funny. -♪ I'm gonna do it... ♪ 1575 01:01:26,892 --> 01:01:29,686 One of the best parts about being a celebrity 1576 01:01:29,853 --> 01:01:32,898 is that if you complain about something on social media, 1577 01:01:33,065 --> 01:01:35,275 the company actually takes care of it 1578 01:01:35,442 --> 01:01:37,778 because they're scared of bad publicity. 1579 01:01:37,945 --> 01:01:39,530 Nobody cares if your flight gets canceled, 1580 01:01:39,696 --> 01:01:42,366 but if Chrissy Teigen's does, watch out. 1581 01:01:42,533 --> 01:01:45,994 So, I've decided to file your grievances for you. 1582 01:01:46,161 --> 01:01:47,704 So, millennial, how did you feel 1583 01:01:47,871 --> 01:01:50,040 when your burger arrived without fries? 1584 01:01:50,207 --> 01:01:51,708 I-I forgot about it, and then I saw you 1585 01:01:51,875 --> 01:01:52,960 on the street, and you asked me... 1586 01:01:53,127 --> 01:01:55,421 Devastated. Devastated. 1587 01:01:55,587 --> 01:01:57,965 We're so happy we avenged you. 1588 01:01:58,132 --> 01:01:59,800 -Great. Great. -(cheering and applause) 1589 01:01:59,967 --> 01:02:01,093 Enjoy your fries, everyone. 1590 01:02:01,260 --> 01:02:02,553 REYNOLDS: "Playful viral bits 1591 01:02:02,719 --> 01:02:04,638 and an overall more engaged demeanor." 1592 01:02:04,805 --> 01:02:06,306 -Uh-huh. -"Tonight with Katherine Newbury 1593 01:02:06,473 --> 01:02:08,225 is becoming a must-see once again!" 1594 01:02:08,392 --> 01:02:09,893 (all cheering) 1595 01:02:10,060 --> 01:02:12,354 Now, tell me how you feel you're treated differently 1596 01:02:12,521 --> 01:02:13,856 because of the way you look. 1597 01:02:14,022 --> 01:02:15,232 -Yeah... -Something small, not systemic. 1598 01:02:15,399 --> 01:02:16,900 There's nothing I can do about getting you 1599 01:02:17,067 --> 01:02:18,152 -approved for a bank loan. -(laughter) 1600 01:02:18,318 --> 01:02:20,821 Into the cab, into the cab. 1601 01:02:20,988 --> 01:02:22,531 ♪ You like it when I do it like that ♪ 1602 01:02:22,698 --> 01:02:23,949 ♪ And I know when we're moving like that ♪ 1603 01:02:24,116 --> 01:02:25,576 (laughing) 1604 01:02:25,742 --> 01:02:26,910 ♪ Ain't nobody else do it like that... ♪ 1605 01:02:27,077 --> 01:02:29,037 -Thank you so much. -You're welcome. 1606 01:02:29,204 --> 01:02:31,123 ♪ You like it when I bring it right back ♪ 1607 01:02:31,290 --> 01:02:33,542 ♪ And I know when we do it like that... ♪ 1608 01:02:33,709 --> 01:02:35,002 No, don't wait up. 1609 01:02:35,169 --> 01:02:37,254 Okay, yeah, I love you. It's all good. 1610 01:02:37,421 --> 01:02:39,298 I'm proud of you, Katie. 1611 01:02:39,465 --> 01:02:41,383 KATHERINE (on computer): Hello, everyone. 1612 01:02:41,550 --> 01:02:42,926 My name is Katherine Newbury. 1613 01:02:43,093 --> 01:02:45,596 Now, let me ask, does anyone in the audience 1614 01:02:45,762 --> 01:02:47,264 suffer from depression? 1615 01:02:47,431 --> 01:02:49,183 No? Nobody? I can't really be the only one. 1616 01:02:49,349 --> 01:02:50,934 Well, I guess depressed people aren't really 1617 01:02:51,101 --> 01:02:53,020 the call-and-response type. 1618 01:02:53,187 --> 01:02:54,897 Now, schizophrenics, on the other hand, they're... 1619 01:02:55,063 --> 01:02:56,773 they're all like, "Here, here, here." 1620 01:02:56,940 --> 01:02:58,358 And that's just one person. 1621 01:02:58,525 --> 01:03:00,027 -(Molly chuckles) -(audience laughing) 1622 01:03:00,194 --> 01:03:02,613 Speaking of depression, this week for me 1623 01:03:02,779 --> 01:03:06,200 has been a total series of disasters. 1624 01:03:06,366 --> 01:03:08,035 (Molly chuckles) 1625 01:03:08,202 --> 01:03:09,912 It's late. 1626 01:03:10,078 --> 01:03:11,413 (over computer): It's been particularly irritating. 1627 01:03:11,580 --> 01:03:13,832 -(video stops) -You should be going home. 1628 01:03:16,710 --> 01:03:19,379 Were you really depressed? 1629 01:03:19,546 --> 01:03:21,340 Or was it just part of the act? 1630 01:03:21,507 --> 01:03:22,841 I'm sorry? 1631 01:03:23,008 --> 01:03:25,010 I've watched this stand-up so many times 1632 01:03:25,177 --> 01:03:27,513 when I was growing up, and... 1633 01:03:27,679 --> 01:03:29,097 it always made me feel better. 1634 01:03:29,264 --> 01:03:30,766 You know, like, she's talking about it, 1635 01:03:30,933 --> 01:03:33,727 and she's being so funny, so... 1636 01:03:33,894 --> 01:03:37,147 I must not be weird for feeling this way. 1637 01:03:39,775 --> 01:03:41,610 Yes, I was. 1638 01:03:41,777 --> 01:03:43,237 Depressed. 1639 01:03:43,403 --> 01:03:44,905 I still am. 1640 01:03:45,072 --> 01:03:46,448 Come with me. 1641 01:03:49,159 --> 01:03:51,870 ♪ ♪ 1642 01:03:52,037 --> 01:03:54,081 And here we are. 1643 01:03:54,248 --> 01:03:56,041 Oh, my God. 1644 01:03:56,208 --> 01:03:58,377 How many Emmys do you have? 1645 01:03:58,544 --> 01:04:00,337 And a Golden Globe? (gasps) 1646 01:04:00,504 --> 01:04:01,922 You were knighted? 1647 01:04:02,089 --> 01:04:04,174 You're Dame Katherine Newbury? 1648 01:04:04,341 --> 01:04:06,218 Mm-hmm. "Knight" sounds so much better 1649 01:04:06,385 --> 01:04:07,594 than "Dame," though, doesn't it? 1650 01:04:07,761 --> 01:04:09,137 "Knight" is Lancelot and romance, 1651 01:04:09,304 --> 01:04:11,056 "Dame" just the old bag who takes too long 1652 01:04:11,223 --> 01:04:12,599 in the grocery checkout line. 1653 01:04:15,269 --> 01:04:17,104 Wow. 1654 01:04:17,271 --> 01:04:19,189 Burditt is a baby in this photo. 1655 01:04:19,356 --> 01:04:21,733 That was the first year we won the Emmy. 1656 01:04:21,900 --> 01:04:23,694 It was good stuff back then. 1657 01:04:23,860 --> 01:04:26,196 Oh, that must be Tom's dad-- I-I mean Seven's dad. 1658 01:04:26,363 --> 01:04:29,116 Must be nice to inherit a job from your father. 1659 01:04:29,283 --> 01:04:31,493 You know, he's not terrible just 'cause he's privileged. 1660 01:04:31,660 --> 01:04:34,746 If his very worst qualities are elitism and snobbery, 1661 01:04:34,913 --> 01:04:36,748 that's not really all that bad, is it? 1662 01:04:36,915 --> 01:04:39,668 Yeah, well, he thinks I'm a diversity hire. 1663 01:04:39,835 --> 01:04:41,336 You are a diversity hire. 1664 01:04:42,713 --> 01:04:44,089 What? You think no one ever 1665 01:04:44,256 --> 01:04:46,008 accused me of sleeping my way to the top? 1666 01:04:46,174 --> 01:04:47,634 I mean, the point is, you're here. 1667 01:04:47,801 --> 01:04:49,511 And if you want people to see you as something 1668 01:04:49,678 --> 01:04:53,473 other than a diversity hire, you have to make them. 1669 01:04:53,640 --> 01:04:57,603 It's not fair, but it never is for women. 1670 01:04:57,769 --> 01:05:00,856 I want you to know that you have changed my life forever. 1671 01:05:01,023 --> 01:05:03,108 -No, look... -And I want... 1672 01:05:03,275 --> 01:05:07,029 No. I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but... 1673 01:05:07,195 --> 01:05:10,157 your earnestness can be very hard to be around. 1674 01:05:11,700 --> 01:05:15,037 God, why can't I express my admiration for you? 1675 01:05:15,203 --> 01:05:17,664 Because successful people hate their own admirers, 1676 01:05:17,831 --> 01:05:20,709 and we're suspicious of people who compliment us. 1677 01:05:20,876 --> 01:05:22,294 That's horrible. How do you have any friends? 1678 01:05:22,461 --> 01:05:25,130 I don't think I have any. 1679 01:05:28,925 --> 01:05:31,094 (sighs) 1680 01:05:31,261 --> 01:05:33,722 Ah, it's getting late. 1681 01:05:35,140 --> 01:05:37,851 ♪ ♪ 1682 01:05:38,018 --> 01:05:40,687 (traffic rumbling, horns honking) 1683 01:05:42,856 --> 01:05:44,775 I have bad news. 1684 01:05:44,941 --> 01:05:46,902 For sweeps, they... 1685 01:05:47,069 --> 01:05:51,865 want you to introduce Tennant as your replacement. 1686 01:05:54,785 --> 01:05:56,119 We tried. 1687 01:06:00,040 --> 01:06:01,958 DANIEL: I was watching Game of Thrones. 1688 01:06:02,125 --> 01:06:05,003 And I'm watching with my girlfriend, right? 1689 01:06:05,170 --> 01:06:08,131 And she's like, "Oh, my God. 1690 01:06:08,298 --> 01:06:10,175 "This is so unfair. 1691 01:06:10,342 --> 01:06:11,802 "All the women are nude, 1692 01:06:11,968 --> 01:06:13,679 but, like, none of the men are nude." 1693 01:06:13,845 --> 01:06:15,514 -So I whipped out my nuts. -(crowd laughs) 1694 01:06:15,681 --> 01:06:17,391 And she's like, "Oh, my God, balls!" 1695 01:06:17,557 --> 01:06:19,935 And I'm like, "Hypocrite much?" 1696 01:06:20,102 --> 01:06:21,561 Yeah, but that other one got cut, right? 1697 01:06:21,728 --> 01:06:23,563 Uh, we can cut it, and we can put this in there 1698 01:06:23,730 --> 01:06:25,023 -in its place, so if, um... -Okay. 1699 01:06:25,190 --> 01:06:26,650 -Oh, good. -So, if we're running long, 1700 01:06:26,817 --> 01:06:28,568 -we can end on the Supreme Court joke. -Okay. Yeah. 1701 01:06:28,735 --> 01:06:30,529 -And if not, then we have two more cards ready to go. -Here. 1702 01:06:30,696 --> 01:06:33,156 -Okay. -All right. So, why don't we, uh, I don't know... 1703 01:06:33,323 --> 01:06:34,950 Okay, I just have to say-- 1704 01:06:35,117 --> 01:06:37,994 no, no, I-I need to say-- that you don't have to do this. 1705 01:06:38,161 --> 01:06:39,496 Stop. 1706 01:06:39,663 --> 01:06:42,249 Listen to me. You need to do this. 1707 01:06:42,416 --> 01:06:43,834 Introducing Tennant is the classy move. 1708 01:06:44,000 --> 01:06:45,252 You make it look like it was your decision. 1709 01:06:45,419 --> 01:06:46,420 I mean, it's-it's the best we can do. 1710 01:06:46,586 --> 01:06:47,713 No, it's not. 1711 01:06:47,879 --> 01:06:49,256 This is your show. 1712 01:06:49,423 --> 01:06:51,758 It's an expression of who you are. 1713 01:06:51,925 --> 01:06:55,345 Is handing the show over to Daniel Tennant who you are? 1714 01:06:57,264 --> 01:06:59,558 I have to prepare. 1715 01:07:00,726 --> 01:07:02,144 That's not cool. 1716 01:07:02,310 --> 01:07:04,187 Hey. Hey! 1717 01:07:04,354 --> 01:07:06,690 Are you out of your fucking mind? 1718 01:07:06,857 --> 01:07:07,983 Okay. 1719 01:07:08,150 --> 01:07:09,317 You can't tell her stuff like that. 1720 01:07:09,484 --> 01:07:10,944 They made a decision, Molly. 1721 01:07:11,111 --> 01:07:13,238 Now it's our job-- our-our actual job-- 1722 01:07:13,405 --> 01:07:15,282 to find a way for our boss 1723 01:07:15,449 --> 01:07:16,700 to tell America that she's stepping down 1724 01:07:16,867 --> 01:07:18,118 and to do it in a way 1725 01:07:18,285 --> 01:07:20,370 that makes her look classy and smart, 1726 01:07:20,537 --> 01:07:22,456 and for all of us to save a little face. 1727 01:07:22,622 --> 01:07:24,666 Yes, saving face: the most important pillar 1728 01:07:24,833 --> 01:07:26,209 in the WASP handbook to life. 1729 01:07:26,376 --> 01:07:27,919 Oh, okay. There's no pillars in a handbook, 1730 01:07:28,086 --> 01:07:29,421 so get your metaphors straight. 1731 01:07:29,588 --> 01:07:31,173 And do you think we want her to give the show 1732 01:07:31,339 --> 01:07:33,049 to a douche like Tennant, no, but we don't go rogue 1733 01:07:33,216 --> 01:07:34,426 and just say anything we feel. 1734 01:07:34,593 --> 01:07:35,844 That's not how things work. 1735 01:07:36,011 --> 01:07:37,554 You know what? Fuck how things work. 1736 01:07:37,721 --> 01:07:39,306 If I cared how things work, I wouldn't have this job. 1737 01:07:39,473 --> 01:07:42,309 (chuckling): Which would be absolutely fantastic. 1738 01:07:42,476 --> 01:07:45,103 Do I remind you of a girlfriend that dumped you or something? 1739 01:07:45,270 --> 01:07:47,981 Oh, yes, yeah. I-I had a long string of failed relationships 1740 01:07:48,148 --> 01:07:50,776 with semi-talented women who overdress for work. 1741 01:07:50,942 --> 01:07:52,527 It must be so hard for you. 1742 01:07:52,694 --> 01:07:53,570 What? 1743 01:07:53,737 --> 01:07:56,239 That we have the same job. 1744 01:07:56,406 --> 01:07:57,783 Not the same job, Molly. 1745 01:07:57,949 --> 01:07:59,451 You write jokes for the monologue. 1746 01:07:59,618 --> 01:08:02,120 -I'm the head monologue writer. -Whatever, Seven. 1747 01:08:02,287 --> 01:08:04,122 Walk into a dead end-- that's a... that's a great finish. 1748 01:08:04,289 --> 01:08:05,832 Nope, go-go that... Yep, yep. 1749 01:08:05,999 --> 01:08:07,709 No, no, you showed me. Walking into-into a closet. 1750 01:08:07,876 --> 01:08:09,294 That's great. 1751 01:08:09,461 --> 01:08:11,546 ♪ ♪ 1752 01:08:15,175 --> 01:08:17,260 -(bell rings) -WOMAN: And in five, 1753 01:08:17,427 --> 01:08:20,263 -four, three, two... -(band plays show theme) 1754 01:08:20,430 --> 01:08:22,557 ANNOUNCER: Katherine Newbury. 1755 01:08:22,724 --> 01:08:25,310 Now, there are some rumors out there 1756 01:08:25,477 --> 01:08:27,395 that you might be replacing me. 1757 01:08:27,562 --> 01:08:28,897 (crowd murmuring, gasping) 1758 01:08:30,941 --> 01:08:33,318 Uh, well, uh... 1759 01:08:33,485 --> 01:08:34,486 you're a legend, okay? 1760 01:08:34,653 --> 01:08:36,488 I would be beyond honored. 1761 01:08:36,655 --> 01:08:37,948 Thank you. 1762 01:08:38,114 --> 01:08:41,827 The thing is, I... I don't want to go. 1763 01:08:41,993 --> 01:08:43,286 (laughter) 1764 01:08:43,453 --> 01:08:45,580 (both chuckling) 1765 01:08:45,747 --> 01:08:48,250 I get it. I mean, who would want to leave here, right? 1766 01:08:48,416 --> 01:08:49,835 Your name's on the drum. 1767 01:08:50,001 --> 01:08:52,045 Hey, give it up for Katherine Newbury, y'all. 1768 01:08:52,212 --> 01:08:54,047 -Make some noise! -(cheering and applause) 1769 01:08:59,135 --> 01:09:01,888 Thank you for the noise. 1770 01:09:02,055 --> 01:09:04,349 I find myself in a genuinely strange position, though, 1771 01:09:04,516 --> 01:09:06,393 because I truly do not want to go. 1772 01:09:06,560 --> 01:09:09,312 -Do you want me to go? -CROWD: No! 1773 01:09:09,479 --> 01:09:13,358 (indistinct shouting, murmuring) 1774 01:09:13,525 --> 01:09:16,194 Uh, we all wish she could stay, right? 1775 01:09:16,361 --> 01:09:18,488 -I mean... -(cheering and applause) 1776 01:09:18,655 --> 01:09:19,990 Right. 1777 01:09:21,283 --> 01:09:22,784 You really wish I could stay? 1778 01:09:23,952 --> 01:09:25,161 Sure. Yeah. 1779 01:09:25,328 --> 01:09:26,913 (both chuckle) 1780 01:09:27,080 --> 01:09:28,999 You really mean it? 1781 01:09:29,165 --> 01:09:30,584 (light laughter) 1782 01:09:30,750 --> 01:09:32,627 (chuckling): Yeah. Yes. 1783 01:09:32,794 --> 01:09:34,713 Well, you know what, Daniel? 1784 01:09:34,880 --> 01:09:36,423 I'll stay. 1785 01:09:36,590 --> 01:09:38,633 (cheering and applause) 1786 01:09:38,800 --> 01:09:40,552 But only because you really, really want me to. 1787 01:09:40,719 --> 01:09:42,429 Thank you, Daniel. 1788 01:09:42,596 --> 01:09:44,848 (chanting): Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! 1789 01:09:45,015 --> 01:09:47,100 Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! 1790 01:09:47,267 --> 01:09:48,518 You're welcome, America. 1791 01:09:48,685 --> 01:09:50,312 -Well, that's... -(Katherine laughs) 1792 01:09:50,478 --> 01:09:52,856 -CROWD: Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! -If you agree with me, 1793 01:09:53,023 --> 01:09:54,816 why don't you show me some love on Twitter. 1794 01:09:54,983 --> 01:09:56,067 We have to take a break. 1795 01:09:56,234 --> 01:09:57,569 We'll see you back here shortly. 1796 01:09:57,736 --> 01:10:00,864 -(cheering and applause) -(band plays show theme) 1797 01:10:02,157 --> 01:10:03,533 You did great. 1798 01:10:05,994 --> 01:10:07,954 -BILLY: I got this. -What was that, man? 1799 01:10:08,121 --> 01:10:10,665 That sucked. We're done. 1800 01:10:11,750 --> 01:10:12,792 Did you enjoy that? 1801 01:10:12,959 --> 01:10:14,169 'Cause now you're fucked. 1802 01:10:14,336 --> 01:10:15,837 I don't know, Billy, I think it really 1803 01:10:16,004 --> 01:10:17,297 shook the dust off this place. 1804 01:10:17,464 --> 01:10:18,715 Don't you? 1805 01:10:18,882 --> 01:10:21,009 Now get the fuck off my stage. 1806 01:10:24,054 --> 01:10:25,722 She did what? 1807 01:10:25,889 --> 01:10:27,349 Oh, oh, another thing. 1808 01:10:27,515 --> 01:10:29,184 I'm part of, um, um, something called a hashtag 1809 01:10:29,351 --> 01:10:31,019 in which over half a million people 1810 01:10:31,186 --> 01:10:34,564 participated or liked it or did whatever they do with it. 1811 01:10:34,731 --> 01:10:36,399 I don't know. 1812 01:10:38,360 --> 01:10:39,235 What's wrong? 1813 01:10:39,402 --> 01:10:40,528 Nothing. 1814 01:10:40,695 --> 01:10:42,113 You were spectacular. 1815 01:10:42,280 --> 01:10:44,616 Walter, I'm not afraid of Billy Kastner. 1816 01:10:44,783 --> 01:10:46,159 And you shouldn't be. 1817 01:10:46,326 --> 01:10:48,078 I'm going to open a champagne. 1818 01:10:50,747 --> 01:10:52,832 ♪ ♪ 1819 01:11:04,260 --> 01:11:05,929 (beeping) 1820 01:11:06,972 --> 01:11:07,889 Hi. 1821 01:11:08,056 --> 01:11:09,516 -Hey. -So, to celebrate 1822 01:11:09,683 --> 01:11:11,768 the single best day of my professional career, 1823 01:11:11,935 --> 01:11:14,729 I thought I would surprise you with vodka and with cupcakes. 1824 01:11:14,896 --> 01:11:16,439 Cupcakes are for me. The vodka's for you. 1825 01:11:16,606 --> 01:11:17,899 Uh, actually, the vodka's for me, too, 1826 01:11:18,066 --> 01:11:19,025 if I'm being completely honest. 1827 01:11:19,192 --> 01:11:21,236 (both chuckle) 1828 01:11:21,403 --> 01:11:23,822 You should call before you come over. 1829 01:11:23,989 --> 01:11:25,240 Yeah, but where's the fun in that? 1830 01:11:25,407 --> 01:11:27,909 I know, but I-I can't tonight. 1831 01:11:29,786 --> 01:11:31,371 Do you have someone over? 1832 01:11:31,538 --> 01:11:33,206 (chuckles) 1833 01:11:34,457 --> 01:11:36,710 Oh, my God, this is so embarrassing. 1834 01:11:36,876 --> 01:11:38,586 -No, no. -Oh, this fucking sucks. 1835 01:11:38,753 --> 01:11:40,588 -Oh, God. Oh... -No, no. Molly. 1836 01:11:40,755 --> 01:11:42,590 Molly. Molly. 1837 01:11:44,509 --> 01:11:46,052 -I think we should get a drink. -Yeah. 1838 01:11:46,219 --> 01:11:48,930 We should drink and maybe talk about "73 Questions." 1839 01:11:49,097 --> 01:11:51,057 -Yes. -Hey. (chuckles) 1840 01:11:51,224 --> 01:11:53,393 Uh, Molly, uh... Molly, you want to 1841 01:11:53,560 --> 01:11:55,020 -go somewhere and talk? -No, thanks. 1842 01:11:55,186 --> 01:11:57,605 -Come on, Molly. -You should ask someone else. 1843 01:11:57,772 --> 01:12:00,567 Maybe it won't take you three weeks to fuck them. 1844 01:12:01,901 --> 01:12:02,986 (Charlie exhales sharply) 1845 01:12:03,153 --> 01:12:04,696 (Charlie chuckles) 1846 01:12:06,489 --> 01:12:08,408 -(car horn honks) -TOM: Hey. 1847 01:12:09,617 --> 01:12:11,578 So, that was the other shoe. 1848 01:12:11,745 --> 01:12:13,163 What? 1849 01:12:13,329 --> 01:12:15,290 The other shoe dropping-- with Charlie. 1850 01:12:15,457 --> 01:12:17,500 Oh, no, I really don't want to talk to you about this. 1851 01:12:17,667 --> 01:12:19,002 -Can I tell you a story? -No, thanks. 1852 01:12:19,169 --> 01:12:20,378 All right, so the summer after freshman year, 1853 01:12:20,545 --> 01:12:21,796 Charlie and I saved up all of our money 1854 01:12:21,963 --> 01:12:23,298 to go to Pearl Jam in Chicago, right? 1855 01:12:23,465 --> 01:12:24,924 And it was gonna be this epic road trip. 1856 01:12:25,091 --> 01:12:26,509 The drive out was pretty great. 1857 01:12:26,676 --> 01:12:28,720 We just got high every day. We laughed a lot. 1858 01:12:28,887 --> 01:12:31,181 We even got these matching compass tattoos on our thighs. 1859 01:12:31,347 --> 01:12:33,308 Anyway, we get there, I go to get a T-shirt 1860 01:12:33,475 --> 01:12:36,352 at the merch stand, I come back, and he's gone. 1861 01:12:36,519 --> 01:12:37,771 Gone? 1862 01:12:37,937 --> 01:12:39,147 What do you mean, gone? 1863 01:12:39,314 --> 01:12:42,358 He met a girl, left with her. 1864 01:12:42,525 --> 01:12:43,943 I never saw him again. 1865 01:12:44,110 --> 01:12:46,071 I mean, you saw him again later that night? 1866 01:12:46,237 --> 01:12:48,364 -I never saw him again that summer. -That is horrible. 1867 01:12:48,531 --> 01:12:50,033 Why are you still friends with him? 1868 01:12:50,200 --> 01:12:51,785 Well, I know that you wouldn't be, right? 1869 01:12:51,951 --> 01:12:53,995 No, you're too principled for that. 1870 01:12:54,162 --> 01:12:55,789 Teach you that at the factory? 1871 01:12:55,955 --> 01:12:56,790 It's a chemical plant. 1872 01:12:56,956 --> 01:12:58,666 All right. Look. 1873 01:12:58,833 --> 01:13:01,544 When you work with someone that you've known for 18 years, 1874 01:13:01,711 --> 01:13:04,005 you can either be best friends or mortal enemies. 1875 01:13:04,172 --> 01:13:06,508 I mean, you can't be lifelong acquaintances. 1876 01:13:06,674 --> 01:13:08,885 Mortal enemies just felt like a lot more work. 1877 01:13:11,596 --> 01:13:14,390 -You still have that tattoo? -Oh, yeah. Yeah. 1878 01:13:14,557 --> 01:13:16,059 Compass points right to my balls. 1879 01:13:16,226 --> 01:13:18,478 -It's fucking horrible. -(laughs) 1880 01:13:18,645 --> 01:13:20,688 I-I don't want to wear it. That's all. 1881 01:13:20,855 --> 01:13:22,065 No, I get that. I do. 1882 01:13:22,232 --> 01:13:23,650 -Let me explain, though. -It's stupid. 1883 01:13:23,817 --> 01:13:25,443 MANCUSO: No, no, no, but the bit is the idea 1884 01:13:25,610 --> 01:13:26,653 -that you're a pirate that everybody knows. -Katherine. 1885 01:13:26,820 --> 01:13:27,695 -Katherine. Katherine. -This... 1886 01:13:27,862 --> 01:13:29,072 -Uh, sorry. -What? 1887 01:13:29,239 --> 01:13:30,657 (indistinct whispering) 1888 01:13:32,867 --> 01:13:33,952 (quietly): Oh, my God. 1889 01:13:34,119 --> 01:13:35,995 Okay. 1890 01:13:37,997 --> 01:13:42,210 We don't... we don't have to do the hook. 1891 01:13:42,377 --> 01:13:44,003 Hey. I got your McNuggets. 1892 01:13:44,170 --> 01:13:46,381 But I'm not gonna lie-- I had a few. 1893 01:13:46,548 --> 01:13:48,174 Look at this. 1894 01:13:55,515 --> 01:13:57,684 No. It can't be true. It's not possible. 1895 01:13:57,851 --> 01:13:59,519 They hacked his e-mail. 1896 01:13:59,686 --> 01:14:01,354 It has to be true. 1897 01:14:01,521 --> 01:14:03,064 He hasn't returned any of my calls. 1898 01:14:03,231 --> 01:14:04,232 MANCUSO: And why Charlie? 1899 01:14:04,399 --> 01:14:05,608 -Why him? -Because he's hot. 1900 01:14:05,775 --> 01:14:07,318 Do you think it should have been you? 1901 01:14:07,485 --> 01:14:09,028 No, I don't. 1902 01:14:09,195 --> 01:14:11,072 And, by the way, looks and fame aren't everything. 1903 01:14:11,239 --> 01:14:12,907 They're definitely everything. 1904 01:14:13,074 --> 01:14:14,951 Guys, can we not be glib about this, please? 1905 01:14:15,118 --> 01:14:16,703 I mean, I thought she really loved Walter. 1906 01:14:16,870 --> 01:14:18,621 -She does love him. -MANCUSO: The line is: 1907 01:14:18,788 --> 01:14:20,582 -"In sickness or in health." -And you know what? 1908 01:14:20,748 --> 01:14:23,126 People always make those vows in health, 1909 01:14:23,293 --> 01:14:24,878 so let's cut her some slack. 1910 01:14:25,044 --> 01:14:26,921 Let's get back to work. 1911 01:14:31,634 --> 01:14:32,969 (sighs) 1912 01:14:35,013 --> 01:14:37,182 Katherine Newbury is in the news for allegedly 1913 01:14:37,348 --> 01:14:39,475 carrying on an affair with a much younger man 1914 01:14:39,642 --> 01:14:41,603 who, uh, also happens to be an employee of hers. 1915 01:14:41,769 --> 01:14:43,188 Did you see this? (chuckles) 1916 01:14:43,354 --> 01:14:44,939 I guess she took the advice to get 1917 01:14:45,106 --> 01:14:48,026 more of the younger male demographic to heart. 1918 01:14:48,193 --> 01:14:50,278 (crowd laughing, applauding) 1919 01:14:51,738 --> 01:14:53,740 ♪ ♪ 1920 01:14:58,745 --> 01:15:00,580 -(line ringing) -This is Walter. 1921 01:15:00,747 --> 01:15:02,123 Leave a message. 1922 01:15:02,290 --> 01:15:04,000 KATHERINE: Walter, please call me back. 1923 01:15:04,167 --> 01:15:06,211 I need to see you. 1924 01:15:07,795 --> 01:15:09,839 (dog barking in distance) 1925 01:15:17,972 --> 01:15:20,725 -(door closes) -MOLLY: Katherine? 1926 01:15:21,935 --> 01:15:24,062 Oh, my God. 1927 01:15:25,772 --> 01:15:28,942 Open a window, for God's sakes. 1928 01:15:33,613 --> 01:15:35,073 It happened three years ago. 1929 01:15:35,240 --> 01:15:38,243 Walter had just been diagnosed, 1930 01:15:38,409 --> 01:15:40,536 and he was so depressed and angry, 1931 01:15:40,703 --> 01:15:42,497 and I got angry with him 1932 01:15:42,664 --> 01:15:44,666 for being angry, 1933 01:15:44,832 --> 01:15:48,962 and Charlie was so warm and funny and persistent and... 1934 01:15:49,128 --> 01:15:50,546 and gorgeous. 1935 01:15:50,713 --> 01:15:52,006 It's hard when there's someone that gorgeous 1936 01:15:52,173 --> 01:15:54,842 just knocking about. 1937 01:15:55,009 --> 01:15:56,803 Just a couple of months, but I've regretted it 1938 01:15:56,970 --> 01:15:58,930 every single second since. 1939 01:15:59,097 --> 01:16:01,599 You know what? It actually... it doesn't matter, 1940 01:16:01,766 --> 01:16:03,226 because I-I've been working on the monologue, 1941 01:16:03,393 --> 01:16:04,936 and I think we have an opportunity 1942 01:16:05,103 --> 01:16:06,729 to really say something here. 1943 01:16:06,896 --> 01:16:08,314 I'm not addressing it. 1944 01:16:08,481 --> 01:16:10,441 -What? -No, we'll go dark for a week, 1945 01:16:10,608 --> 01:16:12,860 and then I'll come back on, and I won't mention it. 1946 01:16:13,027 --> 01:16:16,489 And then, in a month, I'll be gone. 1947 01:16:16,656 --> 01:16:19,367 You'll be gone? Why are you doing that? 1948 01:16:19,534 --> 01:16:20,994 Because of my complete and utter humiliation 1949 01:16:21,160 --> 01:16:22,787 in the eyes of the American public, maybe? 1950 01:16:22,954 --> 01:16:24,664 No. You're being demonized, Katherine, 1951 01:16:24,831 --> 01:16:26,291 -and it's not fair. -It is fair. 1952 01:16:26,457 --> 01:16:28,501 I should be demonized. I'm Katherine Newbury. 1953 01:16:28,668 --> 01:16:30,169 I stand for excellence without compromise. 1954 01:16:30,336 --> 01:16:32,380 I fucked up. I don't deserve the show. 1955 01:16:32,547 --> 01:16:34,716 -I think that you're wrong. -You... 1956 01:16:34,882 --> 01:16:36,801 with over two months experience in television. 1957 01:16:36,968 --> 01:16:39,679 I get it. You are ashamed of what you did, 1958 01:16:39,846 --> 01:16:42,307 and you don't want to face it, but everybody makes mistakes. 1959 01:16:42,473 --> 01:16:43,599 You need to talk about it. 1960 01:16:43,766 --> 01:16:45,518 I need to talk about it? 1961 01:16:45,685 --> 01:16:49,856 You know, what's so fascinating about your generation is... 1962 01:16:50,023 --> 01:16:52,025 your obsession with catharsis. 1963 01:16:52,191 --> 01:16:53,484 It's so narcissistic. 1964 01:16:53,651 --> 01:16:54,986 In fact, we might as well 1965 01:16:55,153 --> 01:16:57,113 just go ahead and call it catharcissism. 1966 01:16:57,280 --> 01:16:59,490 Where, for some reason, just because 1967 01:16:59,657 --> 01:17:01,034 you confess something publicly, 1968 01:17:01,200 --> 01:17:02,994 you automatically get redemption. 1969 01:17:03,161 --> 01:17:04,412 Well, I'm not gonna play that trick. 1970 01:17:04,579 --> 01:17:06,289 I owe it to him, and I owe it to me. 1971 01:17:06,456 --> 01:17:07,915 And that's what's called backbone. 1972 01:17:08,082 --> 01:17:10,001 That's what's... that's what's known as grit. 1973 01:17:10,168 --> 01:17:13,463 You want to talk to me about grit? 1974 01:17:13,629 --> 01:17:15,590 I don't have any friends. 1975 01:17:15,757 --> 01:17:17,508 I don't come from a rich family. 1976 01:17:17,675 --> 01:17:20,678 I didn't have a man whisk me away when I was 20 years old 1977 01:17:20,845 --> 01:17:22,805 and tell me that I was beautiful and a genius. 1978 01:17:22,972 --> 01:17:25,850 And guess what-- I'm probably not a genius. 1979 01:17:27,518 --> 01:17:31,606 And this show... this is all I have. 1980 01:17:31,773 --> 01:17:34,150 So fuck you for giving it up. 1981 01:17:35,610 --> 01:17:38,488 You are selfish, and you are scared, 1982 01:17:38,654 --> 01:17:40,615 and you have deluded yourself into thinking 1983 01:17:40,782 --> 01:17:43,284 that is somehow the moral high ground, but it's not. 1984 01:17:43,451 --> 01:17:45,119 Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore, 1985 01:17:45,286 --> 01:17:46,537 because you no longer work for me. 1986 01:17:46,704 --> 01:17:47,830 You're fired. 1987 01:17:47,997 --> 01:17:49,290 You know, it's funny. 1988 01:17:49,457 --> 01:17:50,917 You know everything about me, 1989 01:17:51,084 --> 01:17:52,752 and I don't even think about you. 1990 01:17:52,919 --> 01:17:54,462 Bye-bye. 1991 01:17:54,629 --> 01:17:57,090 ♪ ♪ 1992 01:17:59,217 --> 01:18:02,512 Look, please don't make fun of where I live. 1993 01:18:02,678 --> 01:18:04,597 I know it sucks. 1994 01:18:04,764 --> 01:18:06,057 No, it's cool. 1995 01:18:06,224 --> 01:18:07,725 It's like you're in witness protection 1996 01:18:07,892 --> 01:18:10,395 and your secret identity is an elderly Indian woman. 1997 01:18:11,687 --> 01:18:14,190 Good amount of glitter. I like the ponies. 1998 01:18:14,357 --> 01:18:16,984 So, are you super excited about getting your first period? 1999 01:18:17,151 --> 01:18:18,611 (crying): Oh, come on, man. 2000 01:18:18,778 --> 01:18:19,946 Wait, are you...? 2001 01:18:20,113 --> 01:18:21,239 Oh, please don't do that. 2002 01:18:21,406 --> 01:18:23,032 Okay? I-I'm not... 2003 01:18:23,199 --> 01:18:25,076 I'm not good with... I'm not good with that. 2004 01:18:25,243 --> 01:18:26,911 It's-it's not what I do. 2005 01:18:27,078 --> 01:18:29,163 I just got fired after working less than three months 2006 01:18:29,330 --> 01:18:30,790 on the job of my dreams. 2007 01:18:30,957 --> 01:18:33,167 Now I have to go back to Pennsylvania 2008 01:18:33,334 --> 01:18:35,086 and work in a factory. 2009 01:18:35,253 --> 01:18:36,379 Thought it was a chemical plant. 2010 01:18:36,546 --> 01:18:38,172 It's basically the same thing. 2011 01:18:38,339 --> 01:18:39,966 Come on. 2012 01:18:40,133 --> 01:18:42,301 (chuckling): You're not going back there. 2013 01:18:42,468 --> 01:18:43,886 Who will hire me? 2014 01:18:44,053 --> 01:18:45,430 I'm such a fucking loser. 2015 01:18:45,596 --> 01:18:48,474 I make such a bad first impression on people. 2016 01:18:50,101 --> 01:18:52,728 Well, there is some truth to that, but, I mean... 2017 01:18:52,895 --> 01:18:54,939 I hate everybody, and you made me like you, so... 2018 01:18:56,858 --> 01:18:58,860 Honestly, you just need to stop being such a pussy. 2019 01:18:59,026 --> 01:19:01,529 Hey, that was incredibly offensive. 2020 01:19:01,696 --> 01:19:04,490 Maybe, but, I mean, it's also pretty true. 2021 01:19:04,657 --> 01:19:06,784 -(stammering) -What? You can't give up 2022 01:19:06,951 --> 01:19:09,579 just 'cause Katherine Newbury was mean to you. 2023 01:19:09,745 --> 01:19:11,539 Come on, suck it up. Okay? 2024 01:19:11,706 --> 01:19:14,000 Stay in New York. Get a... different apartment. 2025 01:19:14,167 --> 01:19:16,252 Not this one. Anything but this one, honestly. 2026 01:19:16,419 --> 01:19:19,046 -O-Okay. -Okay? And find another show to work on. 2027 01:19:21,299 --> 01:19:23,342 You're too good, Molly. 2028 01:19:25,845 --> 01:19:27,638 Do you really think that? 2029 01:19:27,805 --> 01:19:29,640 You know how hard it is for me to compliment people, 2030 01:19:29,807 --> 01:19:31,684 so just don't make me say it again. 2031 01:19:31,851 --> 01:19:33,728 (chuckles) 2032 01:19:33,895 --> 01:19:36,439 (sniffles, laughs) 2033 01:19:39,650 --> 01:19:41,736 ♪ ♪ 2034 01:19:53,456 --> 01:19:55,833 Good luck. Yeah? 2035 01:19:56,834 --> 01:19:58,252 Oh, you-you can leave that. 2036 01:19:58,419 --> 01:20:00,505 I kind of like it. 2037 01:20:12,642 --> 01:20:14,727 I'm on Zillow, and in your price range, 2038 01:20:14,894 --> 01:20:16,604 you can't really afford to live anywhere nice. 2039 01:20:16,771 --> 01:20:18,314 Okay, well, where can I afford to live? 2040 01:20:18,481 --> 01:20:20,691 SoGo? It's the neighborhood south of Gowanus. 2041 01:20:20,858 --> 01:20:23,027 Remember on the news? They found that corpse there. 2042 01:20:23,194 --> 01:20:25,613 God, Parvati, how is that helpful? 2043 01:20:27,406 --> 01:20:29,534 So, you left after ten weeks, huh? 2044 01:20:29,700 --> 01:20:31,202 I was fired. 2045 01:20:31,369 --> 01:20:33,746 Yeah, I figured. I was just trying to be polite. 2046 01:20:33,913 --> 01:20:36,832 I wasn't a good personality match with my boss. 2047 01:20:36,999 --> 01:20:38,543 What is she like, anyway? 2048 01:20:38,709 --> 01:20:40,711 Because she's nice to me at the Emmys, 2049 01:20:40,878 --> 01:20:42,463 but I can also tell on her face 2050 01:20:42,630 --> 01:20:44,882 that niceness is very hard for her. 2051 01:20:45,049 --> 01:20:47,969 She was the least compassionate person I've ever met. 2052 01:20:48,135 --> 01:20:50,429 She could be so casually cruel, 2053 01:20:50,596 --> 01:20:53,641 all in the name of excellence and efficiency. 2054 01:20:53,808 --> 01:20:55,935 Sounds like a laid-back place to work. 2055 01:20:56,102 --> 01:20:57,979 I thought your jokes were really good. 2056 01:20:58,145 --> 01:20:59,397 And yet, every morning, 2057 01:20:59,564 --> 01:21:00,731 I would wake up with this yearning 2058 01:21:00,898 --> 01:21:02,233 to impress her, you know? 2059 01:21:02,400 --> 01:21:03,985 Like, somehow, if I could make her laugh, 2060 01:21:04,151 --> 01:21:07,280 that meant that I was reaching my greatest potential. 2061 01:21:07,446 --> 01:21:09,156 So, anyways, your jokes... 2062 01:21:09,323 --> 01:21:10,783 God, and the sound of her laugh, 2063 01:21:10,950 --> 01:21:12,451 it would just light up the whole room. 2064 01:21:12,618 --> 01:21:14,328 It was like a thousand church bells. 2065 01:21:14,495 --> 01:21:15,580 It was incredible. 2066 01:21:15,746 --> 01:21:18,249 Well, I want to hire you, 2067 01:21:18,416 --> 01:21:20,793 but if you ever want to say something like that again, 2068 01:21:20,960 --> 01:21:23,462 it should definitely be... to a therapist. 2069 01:21:23,629 --> 01:21:25,464 Oh, my God. Okay, I-I would never... 2070 01:21:25,631 --> 01:21:26,924 I would never say that about you. 2071 01:21:27,091 --> 01:21:28,217 -Yeah, no, please don't. -Oh, my God. 2072 01:21:28,384 --> 01:21:29,510 Okay, thank you. 2073 01:21:29,677 --> 01:21:31,679 Thank you so much. Wow. 2074 01:21:31,846 --> 01:21:33,889 Fans on social media are all wondering 2075 01:21:34,056 --> 01:21:35,474 whether Katherine Newbury 2076 01:21:35,641 --> 01:21:37,518 will announce her retirement tomorrow night. 2077 01:21:37,685 --> 01:21:39,854 This comes after weeks of mostly tabloid reporting 2078 01:21:40,021 --> 01:21:41,856 on her alleged extramarital affair 2079 01:21:42,023 --> 01:21:44,609 and her pointed silence on the matter. 2080 01:21:44,775 --> 01:21:46,777 This caps off one of the most interesting seasons 2081 01:21:46,944 --> 01:21:49,030 in late-night television in recent years. 2082 01:21:49,989 --> 01:21:51,657 (indistinct chatter) 2083 01:21:51,824 --> 01:21:54,285 TOM: Dogs with, like, people names? 2084 01:21:54,452 --> 01:21:56,203 (chatter stops) 2085 01:21:56,370 --> 01:21:57,246 -BRAD: Hey. -TOM: Hey. 2086 01:21:57,413 --> 01:21:58,247 Hi. 2087 01:21:58,414 --> 01:21:59,665 No, it's fine. 2088 01:21:59,832 --> 01:22:01,751 -You need help with the speech? -No, no. 2089 01:22:01,917 --> 01:22:05,963 I'm sure you've all got something lined up after this. 2090 01:22:07,798 --> 01:22:10,343 I just came to say thank you. 2091 01:22:12,553 --> 01:22:15,348 Brad. 2092 01:22:15,514 --> 01:22:17,391 Tom. 2093 01:22:20,770 --> 01:22:23,814 Mancuso. Reynolds. 2094 01:22:23,981 --> 01:22:25,733 Burditt. 2095 01:22:25,900 --> 01:22:29,487 Mendelsohn. Weber. 2096 01:22:32,406 --> 01:22:34,158 Six. 2097 01:22:38,329 --> 01:22:40,122 How did John Phillips die? 2098 01:22:40,289 --> 01:22:43,501 Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. 2099 01:22:48,047 --> 01:22:51,509 (crying): I remember being so hard on him. 2100 01:22:52,968 --> 01:22:55,137 You gave him a job. 2101 01:22:55,304 --> 01:22:57,515 I wasn't nice to him. 2102 01:22:59,266 --> 01:23:01,602 We're not here because you're nice. 2103 01:23:01,769 --> 01:23:04,605 -We're here because you're good. -(sniffles) 2104 01:23:05,898 --> 01:23:08,234 She cried. And thanked us. 2105 01:23:08,401 --> 01:23:10,194 -What? -It was crazy. 2106 01:23:10,361 --> 01:23:12,321 When she said my name, I almost got an erection. 2107 01:23:12,488 --> 01:23:13,572 -(laughs) -Look, I really think 2108 01:23:13,739 --> 01:23:15,116 you should watch the show later. 2109 01:23:15,282 --> 01:23:16,909 I mean, you worked so hard on this. 2110 01:23:17,076 --> 01:23:18,452 Tom, go to work. I'll talk to you later. 2111 01:23:18,619 --> 01:23:19,745 All right, all right. 2112 01:23:19,912 --> 01:23:21,497 Bye. 2113 01:23:24,959 --> 01:23:27,002 (cell phone ringing) 2114 01:23:28,963 --> 01:23:32,299 -Walter. -WALTER: Yeah. 2115 01:23:32,466 --> 01:23:34,760 I'd like to see you. 2116 01:23:34,927 --> 01:23:36,846 Okay. 2117 01:23:37,012 --> 01:23:38,514 KATHERINE: Oh, but there's press at the house. 2118 01:23:38,681 --> 01:23:40,808 Um, I'll think of somewhere. 2119 01:23:42,268 --> 01:23:44,311 (door closes) 2120 01:23:50,901 --> 01:23:52,903 WALTER: When I left my wife and family 2121 01:23:53,070 --> 01:23:55,906 for a beautiful young English girl, 2122 01:23:56,073 --> 01:23:59,243 they told me there would be karma. 2123 01:23:59,410 --> 01:24:01,328 That I would pay for it. 2124 01:24:01,495 --> 01:24:03,330 And then... 2125 01:24:03,497 --> 01:24:05,750 years passed, and nothing happened. 2126 01:24:05,916 --> 01:24:08,169 And I thought, "Well... 2127 01:24:08,335 --> 01:24:11,005 I'm the luckiest bastard alive." 2128 01:24:12,381 --> 01:24:15,342 I guess I was wrong. (sighs) 2129 01:24:17,344 --> 01:24:21,015 It's hard enough for me to live with a disease 2130 01:24:21,182 --> 01:24:23,434 that's probably going to kill me 2131 01:24:23,601 --> 01:24:27,313 without knowing that the woman I love... 2132 01:24:28,647 --> 01:24:30,149 ...decided one night, 2133 01:24:30,316 --> 01:24:32,902 instead of staying at home with her invalid husband, 2134 01:24:33,068 --> 01:24:35,029 she would rather fuck a comedian. 2135 01:24:37,782 --> 01:24:40,409 I want to say... 2136 01:24:40,576 --> 01:24:42,620 it didn't mean anything... 2137 01:24:44,580 --> 01:24:47,541 ...but it meant everything because it hurt you. 2138 01:24:47,708 --> 01:24:49,460 Yes, it did. 2139 01:24:53,464 --> 01:24:55,508 I know. 2140 01:24:55,674 --> 01:24:58,052 The thing is... (stifled sob) 2141 01:24:58,219 --> 01:25:01,680 you can't just take away one terrible thing you did 2142 01:25:01,847 --> 01:25:04,225 any more than you can take away 2143 01:25:04,391 --> 01:25:07,520 the million beautiful things that we had together. 2144 01:25:07,686 --> 01:25:09,897 That's a million to one. 2145 01:25:11,315 --> 01:25:14,068 If you can live with that ratio 2146 01:25:14,235 --> 01:25:16,445 for another few years... 2147 01:25:18,405 --> 01:25:20,199 ...then so can I. 2148 01:25:24,203 --> 01:25:26,247 ♪ ♪ 2149 01:25:27,581 --> 01:25:30,125 (Katherine crying) 2150 01:25:34,338 --> 01:25:37,007 (sighs) 2151 01:25:37,174 --> 01:25:38,843 But I'm not here as your husband. 2152 01:25:39,009 --> 01:25:41,554 I'm here as a man who has advised you 2153 01:25:41,720 --> 01:25:43,889 your entire adult life. 2154 01:25:44,974 --> 01:25:46,475 Are you sure that you're making 2155 01:25:46,642 --> 01:25:48,602 the right decision about the show? 2156 01:25:48,769 --> 01:25:50,604 (sniffles) 2157 01:25:50,771 --> 01:25:54,483 If it's over in one year or ten years, 2158 01:25:54,650 --> 01:25:56,485 what's the difference? 2159 01:25:56,652 --> 01:25:58,487 It'll be over. 2160 01:25:58,654 --> 01:26:00,990 And what did I leave behind? 2161 01:26:01,156 --> 01:26:04,201 No... friends or children, no... 2162 01:26:04,368 --> 01:26:05,578 You didn't want them. 2163 01:26:05,744 --> 01:26:07,371 You wanted excellence, 2164 01:26:07,538 --> 01:26:10,374 which almost no one gets in their lifetime. 2165 01:26:10,541 --> 01:26:13,502 Just be sure you're ready before you give it up. 2166 01:26:13,669 --> 01:26:16,463 I don't know what to say to them. 2167 01:26:17,840 --> 01:26:19,174 (sobs) 2168 01:26:19,341 --> 01:26:21,886 When the time comes, Katie, 2169 01:26:22,052 --> 01:26:24,096 you'll know. 2170 01:26:26,265 --> 01:26:29,184 (sniffling, panting) 2171 01:26:49,371 --> 01:26:52,124 (taking deep breaths) 2172 01:26:55,711 --> 01:26:58,172 (band playing show theme) 2173 01:26:58,339 --> 01:27:01,342 (cheering and applause) 2174 01:27:10,768 --> 01:27:12,186 (music ends) 2175 01:27:12,353 --> 01:27:14,438 Thank you. 2176 01:27:14,605 --> 01:27:16,857 Thank you very much. 2177 01:27:17,024 --> 01:27:18,984 (sighs) Well... 2178 01:27:20,361 --> 01:27:22,738 What a boring few weeks it's been. 2179 01:27:22,905 --> 01:27:25,532 -(laughter) -Although... 2180 01:27:25,699 --> 01:27:27,326 it's kind of refreshing 2181 01:27:27,493 --> 01:27:29,203 for a woman to be the perpetrator 2182 01:27:29,370 --> 01:27:32,081 in a Hollywood sex scandal for once, isn't it? 2183 01:27:32,247 --> 01:27:33,874 (scattered laughter) 2184 01:27:34,041 --> 01:27:36,961 I am, of course, referring to the multiple reports 2185 01:27:37,127 --> 01:27:39,838 that came out this week, 2186 01:27:40,005 --> 01:27:43,926 saying that I had been unfaithful to my husband 2187 01:27:44,093 --> 01:27:46,887 with one of my writers. 2188 01:27:47,054 --> 01:27:49,264 Spoiler alert: 2189 01:27:49,431 --> 01:27:51,100 It's true. 2190 01:27:51,266 --> 01:27:53,644 (murmuring) 2191 01:28:01,026 --> 01:28:04,780 I've learned an interesting term: 2192 01:28:04,947 --> 01:28:07,741 "slut-shaming." 2193 01:28:07,908 --> 01:28:11,578 My supporters have said that if I were a man, 2194 01:28:11,745 --> 01:28:13,580 I wouldn't be subject to this kind of scrutiny. 2195 01:28:13,747 --> 01:28:15,374 Well, here's what I think. 2196 01:28:15,541 --> 01:28:17,584 If it were a man doing this, it would be reprehensible, 2197 01:28:17,751 --> 01:28:19,670 but guess what-- it's a woman doing it, 2198 01:28:19,837 --> 01:28:21,922 and it's still reprehensible. 2199 01:28:22,089 --> 01:28:25,926 And none of this would even matter 2200 01:28:26,093 --> 01:28:28,262 if I were not so... 2201 01:28:28,429 --> 01:28:33,434 so hard on everyone, with such high standards 2202 01:28:33,600 --> 01:28:37,980 that I've defined my career by it. 2203 01:28:39,648 --> 01:28:43,193 Um, the fact of the matter is that... (clears throat) 2204 01:28:45,404 --> 01:28:46,864 ...my husband is my family. 2205 01:28:47,031 --> 01:28:48,866 I... 2206 01:28:49,033 --> 01:28:52,786 have no one else in my life, so... 2207 01:28:54,997 --> 01:28:56,540 ...so when this happened, 2208 01:28:56,707 --> 01:28:58,542 I felt worse than I have ever felt. 2209 01:28:58,709 --> 01:29:00,711 And I am clinically depressed, so that's saying something. 2210 01:29:00,878 --> 01:29:01,837 (light laughter) 2211 01:29:02,004 --> 01:29:03,505 And I thought, 2212 01:29:03,672 --> 01:29:06,383 "I don't deserve these things anymore. 2213 01:29:06,550 --> 01:29:08,552 Him or the show." 2214 01:29:08,719 --> 01:29:13,515 But it doesn't matter if I deserve you or not. 2215 01:29:13,682 --> 01:29:15,142 I need you. 2216 01:29:15,309 --> 01:29:17,519 And I've let you down. 2217 01:29:17,686 --> 01:29:20,647 I've taken you for granted for years, 2218 01:29:20,814 --> 01:29:22,024 underestimating you 2219 01:29:22,191 --> 01:29:24,401 and thinking that you wouldn't notice. 2220 01:29:25,778 --> 01:29:27,613 But you did. 2221 01:29:27,780 --> 01:29:31,992 And the other thing I've learned is that this show 2222 01:29:32,159 --> 01:29:34,286 is the source of my energy. 2223 01:29:34,453 --> 01:29:37,331 It's, um, the reason I get up in the morning. 2224 01:29:37,498 --> 01:29:40,292 It's my life. It's my blood. 2225 01:29:40,459 --> 01:29:44,797 Yes, and entertaining you... 2226 01:29:44,963 --> 01:29:48,217 has been the joy of my life. 2227 01:29:50,427 --> 01:29:52,596 Yeah. 2228 01:29:52,763 --> 01:29:56,391 Dear God, I hope I've earned the privilege of your time. 2229 01:30:01,647 --> 01:30:04,233 (cheering) 2230 01:30:16,161 --> 01:30:18,622 (cheering and applause continue over TV) 2231 01:30:20,958 --> 01:30:23,794 (knocking, door opens) 2232 01:30:23,961 --> 01:30:26,130 I hope I'm not interrupting. 2233 01:30:27,339 --> 01:30:29,174 You know, I got into this business 2234 01:30:29,341 --> 01:30:31,218 because I love television, 2235 01:30:31,385 --> 01:30:33,971 and I want to make relevant television. 2236 01:30:34,138 --> 01:30:35,889 And I know, when I say "relevant," 2237 01:30:36,056 --> 01:30:39,351 you think I mean "pandering" or "lowest common denominator." 2238 01:30:40,644 --> 01:30:42,312 I've dreamed of this day. 2239 01:30:42,479 --> 01:30:44,398 -Caroline, please, I beg you... -You've been so abrupt. 2240 01:30:44,565 --> 01:30:47,151 But as I watched you out there, I realized 2241 01:30:47,317 --> 01:30:50,445 I want to hear your take-- on the world, on everything-- 2242 01:30:50,612 --> 01:30:52,197 and so does everyone else. 2243 01:30:52,364 --> 01:30:54,575 So, the show is yours. 2244 01:30:54,741 --> 01:30:56,410 But I'm watching you, Katherine. 2245 01:30:56,577 --> 01:30:58,328 Just give a damn. 2246 01:30:59,705 --> 01:31:03,167 It's pretty fucking surprising, isn't it? 2247 01:31:05,210 --> 01:31:07,087 (electronic chiming) 2248 01:31:07,254 --> 01:31:08,755 Hey, is this my Thai food? 2249 01:31:08,922 --> 01:31:10,382 I hope you brought extra peanut sauce. 2250 01:31:10,549 --> 01:31:11,675 I hate when you forget. 2251 01:31:11,842 --> 01:31:13,218 MAN: This isn't your Thai food. 2252 01:31:13,385 --> 01:31:14,845 This is Ms. Newbury's driver. 2253 01:31:15,012 --> 01:31:18,390 Ms. Newbury would like you to come down to the car. 2254 01:31:18,557 --> 01:31:21,351 You can tell her that I don't want to see her. Thank you. 2255 01:31:22,644 --> 01:31:25,564 She said what? Oh, for fuck's sake! 2256 01:31:25,731 --> 01:31:27,858 (passing train rattling) 2257 01:31:31,778 --> 01:31:34,239 Come on. 2258 01:31:41,371 --> 01:31:43,790 ("Light On" by Maggie Rogers playing) 2259 01:31:43,957 --> 01:31:46,126 ♪ Would you believe me now ♪ 2260 01:31:46,293 --> 01:31:48,795 ♪ If I told you I got caught up in a wave? ♪ 2261 01:31:48,962 --> 01:31:50,672 (sighs): Son of a bitch. 2262 01:31:50,839 --> 01:31:52,966 ♪ Almost gave it away ♪ 2263 01:31:53,133 --> 01:31:56,094 -♪ Would you hear me out ♪ -(toy squeaks) 2264 01:31:56,261 --> 01:31:59,389 ♪ If I told you I was terrified for days? ♪ 2265 01:31:59,556 --> 01:32:01,391 ♪ Thought I was gonna break ♪ 2266 01:32:01,558 --> 01:32:02,893 Good afternoon, sir. 2267 01:32:03,060 --> 01:32:05,062 ♪ Oh, I couldn't stop it ♪ 2268 01:32:05,229 --> 01:32:07,439 -♪ Tried to slow it all down ♪ -Nice. 2269 01:32:07,606 --> 01:32:09,441 ♪ With everyone around me ♪ 2270 01:32:09,608 --> 01:32:11,360 ♪ Saying, "You must be so happy now" ♪ 2271 01:32:11,526 --> 01:32:13,946 Oh, goddamn it. 2272 01:32:14,112 --> 01:32:16,323 -(panting) -♪ Keep reaching out 2273 01:32:16,490 --> 01:32:19,618 ♪ Then I'll keep coming back, and if you're gone for good ♪ 2274 01:32:19,785 --> 01:32:21,536 (panting): Oh, fucking hell. 2275 01:32:21,703 --> 01:32:24,081 -♪ Then I'm okay with that... ♪ -(groaning): Oh, God. 2276 01:32:24,248 --> 01:32:26,750 -(knocking) -Molly, open up. It's me. 2277 01:32:26,917 --> 01:32:28,627 MOLLY: No. 2278 01:32:28,794 --> 01:32:30,337 I have just driven 2279 01:32:30,504 --> 01:32:32,589 to this horrid little corner of Brooklyn 2280 01:32:32,756 --> 01:32:35,175 and climbed up six flights of stairs to talk to you. 2281 01:32:35,342 --> 01:32:37,511 Now open the bloody door. 2282 01:32:37,678 --> 01:32:39,763 -(panting) -(locks clicking) 2283 01:32:42,140 --> 01:32:45,227 What do you want? I-I'm very busy right now. 2284 01:32:45,394 --> 01:32:48,397 Why on earth do you live in Coney Island? 2285 01:32:48,563 --> 01:32:49,731 Huh. 2286 01:32:49,898 --> 01:32:51,692 Maybe it's the Ukrainian food scene, 2287 01:32:51,858 --> 01:32:54,152 or perhaps it's the endless subway commute. 2288 01:32:54,319 --> 01:32:56,363 Not all of us can live in a townhouse 2289 01:32:56,530 --> 01:32:58,949 -on Gramercy Park, Katherine. -Point taken. 2290 01:32:59,116 --> 01:33:02,244 I heard you got an offer from Seth Meyers. 2291 01:33:02,411 --> 01:33:05,706 -I don't think you should take it. -(faucet running) 2292 01:33:05,872 --> 01:33:07,749 Really? Because I was considering it. 2293 01:33:07,916 --> 01:33:10,085 Mostly because I don't have a job. 2294 01:33:10,252 --> 01:33:12,963 Also, he didn't call me a racial quota 2295 01:33:13,130 --> 01:33:14,965 whose existence was completely inconsequential to him. 2296 01:33:15,132 --> 01:33:16,216 Here. 2297 01:33:16,383 --> 01:33:19,219 -You remember that. Shit. -Yeah. 2298 01:33:19,386 --> 01:33:21,346 Look, I'm sorry. 2299 01:33:21,513 --> 01:33:23,849 I'm sorry. 2300 01:33:24,016 --> 01:33:26,601 The thing is, when you hate yourself, 2301 01:33:26,768 --> 01:33:28,854 the only thing that makes you feel better 2302 01:33:29,021 --> 01:33:32,232 is to get other people to feel the same way as you do. 2303 01:33:32,399 --> 01:33:33,859 Is this filtered? 2304 01:33:37,112 --> 01:33:39,823 I didn't mean what I said. 2305 01:33:41,575 --> 01:33:43,410 Thank you... 2306 01:33:43,577 --> 01:33:45,412 for saying that... 2307 01:33:45,579 --> 01:33:47,414 and for coming here. 2308 01:33:47,581 --> 01:33:49,708 -Do you like the color of my wall? -No. 2309 01:33:49,875 --> 01:33:52,252 You know what, I'm not gonna go back and work for you, 2310 01:33:52,419 --> 01:33:54,546 because that was a very toxic work environment. 2311 01:33:58,717 --> 01:34:00,510 (sighs) 2312 01:34:00,677 --> 01:34:02,637 I need you, Molly. 2313 01:34:04,097 --> 01:34:06,641 I need your pushiness and lack of boundaries. 2314 01:34:06,808 --> 01:34:08,602 I need the annoying way you light up 2315 01:34:08,769 --> 01:34:10,103 every time I walk into the room. 2316 01:34:10,270 --> 01:34:12,522 It makes me feel like I'm not a fraud. 2317 01:34:12,689 --> 01:34:14,691 But mostly, I need your talent. 2318 01:34:16,276 --> 01:34:17,986 You love me. 2319 01:34:18,153 --> 01:34:19,863 No, I didn't say that. I... No. 2320 01:34:20,030 --> 01:34:21,490 I mean, not in those words, but you... 2321 01:34:21,656 --> 01:34:23,075 No, I didn't say it in any of those words. 2322 01:34:23,241 --> 01:34:25,118 But you have made an impression on me. 2323 01:34:25,285 --> 01:34:26,328 A very big impression. 2324 01:34:26,495 --> 01:34:27,496 Please, Molly, come back. 2325 01:34:27,662 --> 01:34:29,122 It won't be the show you left, 2326 01:34:29,289 --> 01:34:32,209 but I need you to help me change it. 2327 01:34:35,170 --> 01:34:37,381 -If I do... -Hmm? 2328 01:34:37,547 --> 01:34:38,882 No more tantrums. 2329 01:34:39,049 --> 01:34:40,342 -Mm. -No more hiring people 2330 01:34:40,509 --> 01:34:42,094 -who all look the same. -Okay. 2331 01:34:42,260 --> 01:34:43,553 No humiliating people. 2332 01:34:43,720 --> 01:34:45,180 And no withering looks. 2333 01:34:46,181 --> 01:34:48,016 -Like that one. -That's my face. 2334 01:34:48,183 --> 01:34:49,226 Can you try smiling? 2335 01:34:50,894 --> 01:34:51,978 -Okay, forget it, forget it. -(sighs) 2336 01:34:52,145 --> 01:34:53,522 Okay. Yes. 2337 01:34:53,688 --> 01:34:54,689 Oh, yes? 2338 01:34:54,856 --> 01:34:57,025 Well, good. 2339 01:34:57,192 --> 01:34:59,486 Well, I guess I better go if I want to get 2340 01:34:59,653 --> 01:35:01,738 to the bottom of the stairs this century. 2341 01:35:01,905 --> 01:35:03,448 Thank you. All right. 2342 01:35:04,783 --> 01:35:06,868 (inhales deeply) 2343 01:35:07,035 --> 01:35:09,162 God, I hate Brooklyn. 2344 01:35:09,329 --> 01:35:12,374 (door opens, closes) 2345 01:35:12,541 --> 01:35:13,625 ♪ Everybody got a nine ♪ 2346 01:35:13,792 --> 01:35:15,627 ♪ Everybody is a bad boy now ♪ 2347 01:35:15,794 --> 01:35:17,963 ♪ Everybody wanna shine ♪ 2348 01:35:18,130 --> 01:35:19,589 ♪ Everybody, drink your champagne now ♪ 2349 01:35:19,756 --> 01:35:21,216 ♪ Everybody is the shit ♪ 2350 01:35:21,383 --> 01:35:23,009 ♪ Everybody is the big thing now ♪ 2351 01:35:23,176 --> 01:35:24,761 ♪ Everybody is the boss ♪ 2352 01:35:24,928 --> 01:35:26,721 ♪ Everybody rocking gold chains now ♪ 2353 01:35:26,888 --> 01:35:29,808 ♪ Ain't nobody wanna work, ain't nobody wanna open up ♪ 2354 01:35:29,975 --> 01:35:32,102 -Thank you. -♪ Ain't nobody wanna give ♪ 2355 01:35:32,269 --> 01:35:33,854 ♪ Ain't nobody wanna wrap shit up ♪ 2356 01:35:34,020 --> 01:35:35,939 -♪ in't nobody wanna fail ♪ -Hey. -Hi. 2357 01:35:36,106 --> 01:35:37,899 ♪ Ain't nobody do it real these days ♪ 2358 01:35:38,066 --> 01:35:39,484 ♪ Ain't nobody being true ♪ 2359 01:35:39,651 --> 01:35:41,611 ♪ Ain't nobody ever go my way ♪ 2360 01:35:41,778 --> 01:35:45,198 -♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪ -(indistinct chatter) 2361 01:35:45,365 --> 01:35:48,577 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪ 2362 01:35:48,743 --> 01:35:52,038 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪ 2363 01:35:52,205 --> 01:35:55,750 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪ 2364 01:35:55,917 --> 01:35:57,419 Okay. 2365 01:35:57,586 --> 01:35:59,963 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪ 2366 01:36:00,130 --> 01:36:03,383 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪ 2367 01:36:03,550 --> 01:36:07,179 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪ 2368 01:36:07,345 --> 01:36:10,891 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪ 2369 01:36:11,057 --> 01:36:13,393 ♪ Ain't nobody wanna work ♪ 2370 01:36:14,603 --> 01:36:16,980 ♪ Ain't nobody wanna give ♪ 2371 01:36:18,398 --> 01:36:20,775 ♪ Ain't nobody wanna fail ♪ 2372 01:36:22,152 --> 01:36:24,154 ♪ Ain't nobody being true ♪ 2373 01:36:24,321 --> 01:36:26,531 (indistinct chatter, chuckling) 2374 01:36:26,698 --> 01:36:29,284 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪ 2375 01:36:29,451 --> 01:36:33,121 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪ 2376 01:36:33,288 --> 01:36:38,210 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh. ♪ 2377 01:36:38,376 --> 01:36:39,628 (band playing show theme) 2378 01:36:39,794 --> 01:36:41,338 ANNOUNCER: Katherine Newbury. 2379 01:36:41,505 --> 01:36:43,798 (cheering and applause) 2380 01:36:56,436 --> 01:37:00,732 ♪ Don't let the negative ever get in your way ♪ 2381 01:37:00,899 --> 01:37:03,485 ♪ Don't let it mess up your life ♪ 2382 01:37:03,652 --> 01:37:06,738 ♪ Don't let it fuck up your day ♪ 2383 01:37:06,905 --> 01:37:11,034 ♪ Don't let the shit they do get in under your skin ♪ 2384 01:37:11,201 --> 01:37:13,620 ♪ Gotta push it aside ♪ 2385 01:37:13,787 --> 01:37:17,040 ♪ And keep pushing ahead ♪ 2386 01:37:17,207 --> 01:37:20,585 ♪ Ooh, when this life knocks you on your ass ♪ 2387 01:37:20,752 --> 01:37:24,464 ♪ Keep up, just keep coming back ♪ 2388 01:37:24,631 --> 01:37:26,466 ♪ Don't let it get you down ♪ 2389 01:37:26,633 --> 01:37:28,093 ♪ Gotta get going ♪ 2390 01:37:28,260 --> 01:37:30,637 ♪ Keep moving in forward motion ♪ 2391 01:37:30,804 --> 01:37:34,683 ♪ Keep moving in forward motion ♪ 2392 01:37:34,849 --> 01:37:37,185 ♪ Don't let nothing ever slow you down ♪ 2393 01:37:37,352 --> 01:37:38,687 ♪ eep on ♪ 2394 01:37:38,853 --> 01:37:40,981 ♪ Hit the gas, get your speed on ♪ 2395 01:37:41,147 --> 01:37:44,859 ♪ Never look back, no reason ♪ 2396 01:37:45,026 --> 01:37:47,445 ♪ No, no, nothing's gonna stop you now ♪ 2397 01:37:47,612 --> 01:37:51,032 ♪ Stop you now, stop you, stop-stop-stop you now ♪ 2398 01:37:51,199 --> 01:37:53,618 ♪ Stop you, stop-stop-stop you now ♪ 2399 01:37:53,785 --> 01:37:55,203 ♪ Stop you, stop-stop ♪ 2400 01:37:55,370 --> 01:37:57,205 ♪ No, no, nothing's gonna stop you now ♪ 2401 01:37:57,372 --> 01:38:01,167 ♪ Don't let the darkness get in the way of your light ♪ 2402 01:38:01,334 --> 01:38:04,129 ♪ Don't let it mess with your head ♪ 2403 01:38:04,296 --> 01:38:07,215 ♪ Don't let it shut off your shine ♪ 2404 01:38:07,382 --> 01:38:08,883 ♪ You're on the fast track ♪ 2405 01:38:09,050 --> 01:38:11,511 ♪ hey're just stuck in reverse ♪ 2406 01:38:11,678 --> 01:38:14,306 ♪ Leave 'em under your wheels ♪ 2407 01:38:14,472 --> 01:38:17,517 ♪ Kick 'em all to the curb ♪ 2408 01:38:17,684 --> 01:38:21,104 ♪ Ooh, when this life knocks you on your ass ♪ 2409 01:38:21,271 --> 01:38:24,858 ♪ Get up, just keep coming back ♪ 2410 01:38:25,025 --> 01:38:27,152 ♪ Don't let it keep you down ♪ 2411 01:38:27,319 --> 01:38:28,820 ♪ Gotta keep going ♪ 2412 01:38:28,987 --> 01:38:31,364 ♪ Keep moving in forward motion ♪ 2413 01:38:31,531 --> 01:38:35,368 ♪ Keep moving in forward motion ♪ 2414 01:38:35,535 --> 01:38:37,704 ♪ Don't let nothing ever slow you down ♪ 2415 01:38:37,871 --> 01:38:39,205 ♪ eep on ♪ 2416 01:38:39,372 --> 01:38:41,833 ♪ Hit the gas, get your speed on ♪ 2417 01:38:42,000 --> 01:38:45,420 ♪ Never look back, no reason ♪ 2418 01:38:45,587 --> 01:38:47,964 ♪ No, no, nothing's gonna stop you now ♪ 2419 01:38:48,131 --> 01:38:51,635 ♪ Stop you now, stop you, stop-stop-stop you now ♪ 2420 01:38:51,801 --> 01:38:54,137 ♪ Stop you, stop-stop-stop you now ♪ 2421 01:38:54,304 --> 01:38:55,680 ♪ Stop you, stop-stop ♪ 2422 01:38:55,847 --> 01:38:57,557 ♪ No, no, nothing's gonna stop you now ♪ 2423 01:38:57,724 --> 01:38:59,976 ♪ So any time the drama comes ♪ 2424 01:39:00,143 --> 01:39:02,520 ♪ Don't let it get anywhere near you ♪ 2425 01:39:02,687 --> 01:39:05,106 ♪ Just go and leave it in the dust ♪ 2426 01:39:05,273 --> 01:39:07,609 ♪ Just disappearing in the rearview ♪ 2427 01:39:07,776 --> 01:39:10,487 ♪ You're on a ride that's just beginning ♪ 2428 01:39:10,654 --> 01:39:13,156 ♪ No, you got no limits ♪ 2429 01:39:13,323 --> 01:39:15,575 ♪ Oh, so just go with it ♪ 2430 01:39:15,742 --> 01:39:17,661 ♪ Don't let it get you down ♪ 2431 01:39:17,827 --> 01:39:19,829 ♪ Gotta keep going ♪ 2432 01:39:19,996 --> 01:39:21,998 ♪ Going, going ♪ 2433 01:39:22,165 --> 01:39:24,334 ♪ Gotta keep going ♪ 2434 01:39:24,501 --> 01:39:27,504 ♪ Going, going, going ♪ 2435 01:39:27,671 --> 01:39:29,464 ♪ Gotta keep going ♪ 2436 01:39:29,631 --> 01:39:31,841 ♪ Keep moving in forward motion ♪ 2437 01:39:32,008 --> 01:39:34,094 ♪ Keep moving in forward motion ♪ 2438 01:39:34,260 --> 01:39:36,012 ♪ Keep moving in forward ♪ 2439 01:39:36,179 --> 01:39:38,515 ♪ Don't let nothing ever slow you down ♪ 2440 01:39:38,682 --> 01:39:40,016 ♪ eep on ♪ 2441 01:39:40,183 --> 01:39:42,352 ♪ Hit the gas, get your speed on ♪ 2442 01:39:42,519 --> 01:39:45,980 ♪ Never look back, no reason ♪ 2443 01:39:46,147 --> 01:39:48,066 ♪ No, no, nothing's gonna stop you now ♪ 2444 01:39:48,233 --> 01:39:49,693 ♪ Gotta keep going ♪ 2445 01:39:49,859 --> 01:39:51,945 ♪ Keep moving in forward motion ♪ 2446 01:39:52,112 --> 01:39:54,698 ♪ Keep moving in forward motion ♪ 2447 01:39:54,864 --> 01:39:56,324 ♪ Yeah ♪ 2448 01:39:56,491 --> 01:39:58,702 ♪ Don't let nothing ever slow you down ♪ 2449 01:39:58,868 --> 01:40:00,203 ♪ eep on ♪ 2450 01:40:00,370 --> 01:40:02,580 ♪ Hit the gas, get your speed on ♪ 2451 01:40:02,747 --> 01:40:06,292 ♪ Never look back, no reason ♪ 2452 01:40:06,459 --> 01:40:08,962 ♪ No, no, nothing's gonna stop you now ♪ 2453 01:40:09,129 --> 01:40:12,549 ♪ Stop you now, stop you, stop-stop-stop you now ♪ 2454 01:40:12,716 --> 01:40:15,051 ♪ Stop you, stop-stop-stop you now ♪ 2455 01:40:15,218 --> 01:40:16,594 ♪ Stop you, stop-stop ♪ 2456 01:40:16,761 --> 01:40:18,930 ♪ No, no, nothing's gonna stop you now ♪ 2457 01:40:19,097 --> 01:40:22,726 ♪ Stop you now, stop you, stop-stop-stop you now ♪ 2458 01:40:22,892 --> 01:40:25,103 ♪ Stop you, stop-stop-stop you now ♪ 2459 01:40:25,270 --> 01:40:26,646 ♪ Stop you, stop-stop ♪ 2460 01:40:26,813 --> 01:40:29,941 ♪ No, no, nothing's gonna stop you now. ♪ 2461 01:40:30,108 --> 01:40:32,152 ♪ ♪ 2462 01:41:02,140 --> 01:41:04,184 ♪ ♪ 2463 01:41:34,172 --> 01:41:36,216 ♪ ♪ 2464 01:41:51,189 --> 01:41:53,233 (music ends)