1 00:00:14,465 --> 00:00:19,048 ♪♪ 2 00:00:36,507 --> 00:00:39,965 (audience clapping) 3 00:00:49,632 --> 00:00:51,840 (audience cheering) 4 00:01:03,048 --> 00:01:07,548 - Hello, I'm Steve Byrne. This is my wife, Ok Cha. 5 00:01:07,548 --> 00:01:09,507 This is our other son, Will. 6 00:01:09,507 --> 00:01:12,215 (cheering) 7 00:01:12,215 --> 00:01:15,340 - Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 8 00:01:15,340 --> 00:01:16,881 I'm going to introduce 9 00:01:16,881 --> 00:01:19,757 the funniest man in the whole world. 10 00:01:19,757 --> 00:01:22,715 Here, this is Steve Byrne! 11 00:01:22,715 --> 00:01:25,715 (cheers and applause) 12 00:01:37,423 --> 00:01:39,590 - How are ya? 13 00:01:39,590 --> 00:01:40,465 Good. 14 00:01:40,465 --> 00:01:41,590 Thank you. 15 00:01:41,590 --> 00:01:43,757 Thank you! 16 00:01:43,757 --> 00:01:47,215 How are ya? Good to see ya. 17 00:01:47,215 --> 00:01:49,298 Thank you, thank you. 18 00:01:49,298 --> 00:01:51,090 We're good, thank you. 19 00:01:51,090 --> 00:01:53,757 Thank you guys so much, appreciate it. 20 00:01:53,757 --> 00:01:55,548 Thank you. 21 00:01:55,548 --> 00:01:58,173 Thank you so much. 22 00:01:58,173 --> 00:02:00,090 Thank you all for making time. I appreciate it. 23 00:02:00,090 --> 00:02:01,632 It's good to be back here in Chicago. 24 00:02:01,632 --> 00:02:03,090 How 'bout it for Jamiah, everybody? 25 00:02:05,257 --> 00:02:06,715 Awesome. 26 00:02:06,715 --> 00:02:09,298 My brother, my parents. How 'bout it for my mom? 27 00:02:11,173 --> 00:02:14,131 Who addressed you all like a Korean dictator. 28 00:02:17,257 --> 00:02:19,340 So, let's get into this. I recently turned 40. 29 00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:21,257 Let me tell you something about turning 40. 30 00:02:21,257 --> 00:02:24,131 When you turn 40, you will hear this in your life, 31 00:02:24,131 --> 00:02:26,507 and hopefully you will hear it the rest of your life. 32 00:02:26,507 --> 00:02:28,131 "You look good for 40." 33 00:02:28,131 --> 00:02:33,048 "You look good for 52." "You look great for 63." 34 00:02:33,048 --> 00:02:34,298 You never hear that when you're young. 35 00:02:34,298 --> 00:02:38,131 You never hear, "You look good for 19." 36 00:02:38,131 --> 00:02:40,881 If you hear "You look good for 19," guess what? 37 00:02:40,881 --> 00:02:44,632 You look like shit for 19. 38 00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:46,965 You should never hear that. 39 00:02:46,965 --> 00:02:48,507 I gotta say, I, uh... 40 00:02:48,507 --> 00:02:52,881 I embrace that I'm in my 40s. I'm not gonna run away from it. 41 00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:55,215 I know this: it's over. Over. 42 00:02:55,215 --> 00:02:57,507 No more medium t-shirts for this asshole. 43 00:02:57,507 --> 00:02:59,715 Naw. 44 00:02:59,715 --> 00:03:01,131 Those days are long gone. 45 00:03:01,131 --> 00:03:02,799 Saturday rolls around, a friend calls you up, 46 00:03:02,799 --> 00:03:06,006 "Hey, we get fucked up tonight?" "No, we're not." 47 00:03:07,006 --> 00:03:08,465 "What are you gonna do?" 48 00:03:08,465 --> 00:03:12,048 "There's a two-hour 'Dateline', is what I'm gonna do." 49 00:03:12,048 --> 00:03:14,799 I gotta solve a murder with Lester Holt this evening. 50 00:03:17,507 --> 00:03:19,257 I don't want to sound grim, I don't want to sound negative, 51 00:03:19,257 --> 00:03:23,340 but once I turned 40, I accept death a little more. 52 00:03:23,340 --> 00:03:25,465 Like, I don't want to die. I want to live a long life, 53 00:03:25,465 --> 00:03:28,173 I want to see all those "Star Wars" movies too, okay? 54 00:03:28,173 --> 00:03:31,048 But... but if death happened to me tomorrow, 55 00:03:31,048 --> 00:03:34,382 it's like, fuck it, I'm tired. 56 00:03:34,382 --> 00:03:37,215 I'm exhausted right now and I just got to work. 57 00:03:38,090 --> 00:03:40,215 People are like, "You look tired." 58 00:03:40,215 --> 00:03:42,715 "I am. 40 years of this bullshit. I'm beat." 59 00:03:44,382 --> 00:03:45,382 This is what I mean 60 00:03:45,382 --> 00:03:48,715 about losing the will to live, okay? 61 00:03:48,715 --> 00:03:50,215 If I have a large cardboard box, 62 00:03:50,215 --> 00:03:51,215 I gotta take it out to the recycling garbage cans. 63 00:03:51,215 --> 00:03:53,840 This box won't fit in the garbage cans. 64 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:55,382 I gotta go back in, I gotta get scissors, 65 00:03:55,382 --> 00:03:56,840 I gotta come back out, I gotta break it-- 66 00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:57,674 You know what? I'd rather die 67 00:03:57,674 --> 00:03:59,840 than break down this box, honestly. 68 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,215 Fuck the Earth. Sorry, Earth, not this week. 69 00:04:04,715 --> 00:04:07,131 If I go to a gas station, I swipe my card at the pump, 70 00:04:07,131 --> 00:04:09,715 it says, "Please come inside, see attendant." 71 00:04:09,715 --> 00:04:11,881 I'd rather die than go inside 72 00:04:11,881 --> 00:04:14,881 and see that attendant. I'd literally rather 73 00:04:14,881 --> 00:04:15,881 get in my car and drive three miles 74 00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:19,757 to another gas station 75 00:04:19,757 --> 00:04:21,881 than walk ten feet... 76 00:04:26,465 --> 00:04:27,923 I'd literally rather drive three miles 77 00:04:27,923 --> 00:04:29,215 than walk ten feet 78 00:04:29,215 --> 00:04:31,298 into your piece-of-shit place of business 79 00:04:31,298 --> 00:04:33,590 'cause you don't have your shit together. 80 00:04:33,590 --> 00:04:34,799 Fuck you, come see me. 81 00:04:34,799 --> 00:04:35,590 You know where the money is, asshole. 82 00:04:35,590 --> 00:04:39,298 (cheering) 83 00:04:44,298 --> 00:04:45,923 You guys getting excited to vote for a new president? 84 00:04:45,923 --> 00:04:48,715 (cheering) - (man) Bernie! 85 00:04:48,715 --> 00:04:49,840 - Tell you what... 86 00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:52,757 I'd rather die than vote for any of these fuckers. 87 00:04:52,757 --> 00:04:54,840 All of them. 88 00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:57,257 The worst. 89 00:04:57,257 --> 00:05:00,548 This is what I truly love about every election cycle. 90 00:05:00,548 --> 00:05:02,006 Every election cycle, there's a member of the press 91 00:05:02,006 --> 00:05:03,340 that will ask a candidate, 92 00:05:03,340 --> 00:05:05,340 especially a male candidate, this question. 93 00:05:05,340 --> 00:05:08,298 Now, the purpose of that question is to see 94 00:05:08,298 --> 00:05:10,090 if the candidate is in touch with the common folk. 95 00:05:10,090 --> 00:05:11,548 This is that question. 96 00:05:11,548 --> 00:05:12,799 "Sir, do you know the price of a gallon of milk?" 97 00:05:12,799 --> 00:05:15,298 They never know. 98 00:05:15,298 --> 00:05:16,757 And I'll tell you why they don't know in a second, 99 00:05:16,757 --> 00:05:18,131 but first off, to any man 100 00:05:18,131 --> 00:05:19,632 that's gonna run for elected office, know this. 101 00:05:19,632 --> 00:05:21,799 They're gonna ask you that question, be prepared. 102 00:05:21,799 --> 00:05:23,298 Here's how you hit them back. 103 00:05:23,298 --> 00:05:24,340 "Sir, do you know the price of a gallon of milk?" 104 00:05:24,340 --> 00:05:27,423 "Absolutely not, no. I'm lactose-intolerant. 105 00:05:30,715 --> 00:05:32,923 "I can't enjoy ice cream or cereal 106 00:05:32,923 --> 00:05:34,923 "because I have a fear I'll shit my pants. 107 00:05:34,923 --> 00:05:35,465 Anything else? Moving on." 108 00:05:37,965 --> 00:05:39,006 Now, here's why a man 109 00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,173 does not know the price of a gallon of milk. 110 00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:42,881 He's married. He has a family. 111 00:05:42,881 --> 00:05:46,340 And that wife won't let him go grocery shopping, okay? 112 00:05:46,340 --> 00:05:49,006 My wife will not let me be responsible 113 00:05:49,006 --> 00:05:50,173 for feeding our family for a week 114 00:05:50,173 --> 00:05:52,173 'cause if I go grocery shopping, 115 00:05:52,173 --> 00:05:53,840 we're eating Steak-Umms and DiGiornos 116 00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:55,965 every day for seven days. 117 00:05:57,632 --> 00:06:00,590 "Candidate Byrne, do you know the price of a gallon of milk?" 118 00:06:00,590 --> 00:06:04,465 "I know a meatball DiGiornos is $7.99, I do know that." 119 00:06:04,465 --> 00:06:06,340 "Right, the question is a gallon of milk." 120 00:06:06,340 --> 00:06:09,674 "I know a 12-pack of Sunkist is $2.99, I do know that. 121 00:06:09,674 --> 00:06:12,465 "I'm 40 years old and I eat like an eighth-grader. 122 00:06:12,465 --> 00:06:13,881 Next question." 123 00:06:17,674 --> 00:06:20,090 Now, when it comes to politics, I think some people are-- 124 00:06:20,090 --> 00:06:21,423 They just know out of the gates 125 00:06:21,423 --> 00:06:23,215 when they're born their affiliation. 126 00:06:23,215 --> 00:06:25,298 Some people, it just takes time, where you grew up, 127 00:06:25,298 --> 00:06:27,048 your influenced by friends and family. 128 00:06:27,048 --> 00:06:29,048 For me, I always liked a little on this side, 129 00:06:29,048 --> 00:06:30,048 I always liked a little on this side. 130 00:06:30,048 --> 00:06:31,048 Now I definitely know my stance these days. 131 00:06:31,048 --> 00:06:32,423 So, if someone's like, 132 00:06:32,423 --> 00:06:34,881 "Hey, what's your take on the death penalty? 133 00:06:34,881 --> 00:06:36,215 "How do you feel about our presence in the Middle East? 134 00:06:36,215 --> 00:06:39,173 What's your stance on abortion rights?" 135 00:06:39,173 --> 00:06:41,548 Here's my take on all those and more. 136 00:06:41,548 --> 00:06:44,799 I don't give a shit. 137 00:06:44,799 --> 00:06:46,590 I could give a flying fuck. 138 00:06:46,590 --> 00:06:50,881 None of that shit applies to my daily life, okay? 139 00:06:50,881 --> 00:06:52,382 I don't hang with murderers. 140 00:06:52,382 --> 00:06:53,715 I don't know anybody on death row, so I don't care. 141 00:06:53,715 --> 00:06:56,257 The Middle East, they've been fighting for thousands of years, 142 00:06:56,257 --> 00:06:57,715 we're not gonna change that, 143 00:06:57,715 --> 00:07:00,507 and thank God my daughter is not old enough to fuck. 144 00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:02,548 I don't give a shit. Okay? 145 00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:07,548 Here are the pressing issues in my life, okay? 146 00:07:07,548 --> 00:07:10,048 I'm ten years away from Centrum Silver. 147 00:07:12,257 --> 00:07:13,090 My back sucks, my vision's gone, 148 00:07:13,090 --> 00:07:14,632 my right knee's a little wonky, 149 00:07:14,632 --> 00:07:18,048 my wife doesn't think I give her enough back massages. 150 00:07:18,048 --> 00:07:19,632 I have been putting off an oil change 151 00:07:19,632 --> 00:07:20,799 for 2-1/2 months. 152 00:07:20,799 --> 00:07:21,674 Is my engine gonna blow today? 153 00:07:21,674 --> 00:07:24,257 I don't know. Let's roll the dice. 154 00:07:26,090 --> 00:07:27,382 These are the issues. 155 00:07:38,674 --> 00:07:41,674 I think when you turn 40, you look back on the goals 156 00:07:41,674 --> 00:07:43,590 you made for yourself in your 20s and 30s 157 00:07:43,590 --> 00:07:45,757 and think, did I hit those benchmarks? 158 00:07:45,757 --> 00:07:47,298 Have I accomplished my goals? 159 00:07:47,298 --> 00:07:48,632 I think I've done some damage, 160 00:07:48,632 --> 00:07:50,298 but I haven't hit my ultimate goal. 161 00:07:50,298 --> 00:07:51,173 This is what I truly want in life. 162 00:07:51,173 --> 00:07:55,131 I want "fuck you" money. 163 00:07:55,131 --> 00:07:56,632 I want money that's undeniable, 164 00:07:56,632 --> 00:07:59,173 you can just splash somebody in the face with it. 165 00:08:01,298 --> 00:08:02,590 I want money that's powerful, you just sit down, 166 00:08:02,590 --> 00:08:03,632 "Hey, you can't sit there." "What?" 167 00:08:03,632 --> 00:08:06,632 "You can't sit there." "Oh, I can't sit here? 168 00:08:06,632 --> 00:08:07,840 "Come here. 169 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:09,465 Fuck you!" 170 00:08:17,715 --> 00:08:18,590 "Now pick that up." 171 00:08:21,715 --> 00:08:23,173 We... 172 00:08:23,173 --> 00:08:24,507 We've all been outside of a bar, right? 173 00:08:24,507 --> 00:08:26,215 Your bouncer won't let you or your friends in. 174 00:08:26,215 --> 00:08:27,215 One of your friends is so tanked, he's like, 175 00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:28,382 "You're not gonna let us in? 176 00:08:28,382 --> 00:08:30,590 You know what, you piece of shit? 177 00:08:30,590 --> 00:08:34,799 I could buy this-- No! I could buy this place." 178 00:08:34,799 --> 00:08:37,715 I always want to say that. 179 00:08:37,715 --> 00:08:38,465 But I can't. 180 00:08:38,465 --> 00:08:39,799 I mean, technically, I could. 181 00:08:39,799 --> 00:08:42,382 It's like, "You're not gonna let me in? Are you serious? 182 00:08:42,382 --> 00:08:46,257 "Just so you know, I could buy this place, okay? 183 00:08:46,257 --> 00:08:48,632 "With a second mortgage out on my house, a... 184 00:08:48,632 --> 00:08:49,881 "government-assisted loan, definite loan from my parents. 185 00:08:49,881 --> 00:08:52,757 "I probably would not turn a profit for seven, eight years 186 00:08:52,757 --> 00:08:54,757 "'cause I have no experience in the nightlife industry. 187 00:08:54,757 --> 00:08:56,632 "I'd probably keep you on, you're competent at your job, 188 00:08:56,632 --> 00:09:00,090 but technically, so you know, I could buy this place." 189 00:09:07,632 --> 00:09:11,548 At my age, I will admit certain things to you all right now 190 00:09:11,548 --> 00:09:13,965 that I would never tell you in my 20s. 191 00:09:13,965 --> 00:09:16,465 30s, I might, but I'd err on the side of caution. 192 00:09:16,465 --> 00:09:17,548 40, I don't give a shit anymore. 193 00:09:17,548 --> 00:09:22,548 I'll tell you, as a man, I have had a cat boner. 194 00:09:23,715 --> 00:09:27,173 It's always women. Women always say, "What?" 195 00:09:28,048 --> 00:09:29,131 But most guys are like, 196 00:09:29,131 --> 00:09:31,382 "Yeah, I think I know what he's talking about." 197 00:09:31,382 --> 00:09:34,465 You guys know what I am talking about. 198 00:09:34,465 --> 00:09:36,173 You go visit your girl or you're with your girl, 199 00:09:36,173 --> 00:09:37,548 she got a cat, cat jumps on your lap, 200 00:09:37,548 --> 00:09:39,090 you start petting it. "Oh, that's a good girl. 201 00:09:39,090 --> 00:09:40,423 "Oh, you're frisky, okay. 202 00:09:40,423 --> 00:09:43,090 You like-- Oh, that's the spot. I gotcha, okay, that's the..." 203 00:09:43,090 --> 00:09:45,090 Cat's getting into it, it's like... 204 00:09:54,257 --> 00:09:56,507 "Yeah, oh, o-- Oh, shit. 205 00:09:56,507 --> 00:09:59,423 "Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. 206 00:09:59,423 --> 00:10:00,757 "Gotta get you-- the claw! 207 00:10:00,757 --> 00:10:02,674 Get the fuck out of here, all right." 208 00:10:03,590 --> 00:10:05,923 That's why I see these men in their 50s 209 00:10:05,923 --> 00:10:08,881 going to the pharmacy, going to these boner pills. 210 00:10:08,881 --> 00:10:10,715 Fuck that. Go to a shelter. 211 00:10:12,715 --> 00:10:14,131 Adopt. 212 00:10:19,423 --> 00:10:21,507 Don't make that sick, honey. 213 00:10:21,507 --> 00:10:22,632 It's a girl cat. It was a fucking girl cat. 214 00:10:22,632 --> 00:10:26,382 It's not a dude cat. I'm not disgusting. 215 00:10:30,465 --> 00:10:31,965 "So gross. Oh, let's go to 216 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:34,048 the comedy show and take the jokes seriously." 217 00:10:34,048 --> 00:10:36,799 Jesus. 218 00:10:36,799 --> 00:10:39,131 We got 40 minutes left. 219 00:10:39,131 --> 00:10:41,423 It's gross. 220 00:10:41,423 --> 00:10:42,465 At my age, I believe in social justice. 221 00:10:42,465 --> 00:10:44,507 By social justice, I mean this. 222 00:10:44,507 --> 00:10:47,465 If you cut in front of me at a bank, 223 00:10:47,465 --> 00:10:49,548 at an airport, in any line, 224 00:10:49,548 --> 00:10:52,340 I will say something to you now at my age. 225 00:10:52,340 --> 00:10:53,507 When I was younger, I wouldn't say anything, 226 00:10:53,507 --> 00:10:55,423 but 40 years on this planet it's like, 227 00:10:55,423 --> 00:10:56,465 I'm gonna say something. 228 00:10:56,465 --> 00:10:59,465 So if you cut in front of me at a bank, 229 00:10:59,465 --> 00:11:00,965 this is what comes out, okay? 230 00:11:00,965 --> 00:11:03,840 It sounds polite, it's kind of passive-aggressive, 231 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:05,757 but this ultimately is what happens, okay? 232 00:11:05,757 --> 00:11:06,674 So, if you cut in front of me, this is what comes out. 233 00:11:06,674 --> 00:11:08,881 "Excuse me, pardon me, there's a line. 234 00:11:08,881 --> 00:11:12,465 Excuse me, there's a line." That's what comes out. 235 00:11:12,465 --> 00:11:13,965 What's in here is, "Hey, fuck face! 236 00:11:13,965 --> 00:11:17,423 "Get the fuck back there, you piece of shit! 237 00:11:17,423 --> 00:11:19,590 You better than everybody?!" 238 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:25,257 "Enjoy the walk, your majesty. Get the fuck-- go. 239 00:11:25,257 --> 00:11:27,048 "Get out of my face. 240 00:11:27,048 --> 00:11:28,881 Walk." 241 00:11:28,881 --> 00:11:33,382 And all that comes out as, "Excuse me, there's a line." 242 00:11:35,257 --> 00:11:36,173 Now, if you're gonna be a man 243 00:11:36,173 --> 00:11:38,340 and parade around town wearing a badge 244 00:11:38,340 --> 00:11:40,006 and become a social sheriff, know this. 245 00:11:40,006 --> 00:11:42,507 There will come times where you question yourself. 246 00:11:42,507 --> 00:11:44,674 Was it worth it? Should I have opened my mouth? 247 00:11:44,674 --> 00:11:47,006 I had an incident recently where I questioned myself. 248 00:11:47,006 --> 00:11:50,632 I was... I was with my family at Disneyland, okay? 249 00:11:50,632 --> 00:11:52,590 So, you wait for hours to go on all these rides. 250 00:11:52,590 --> 00:11:53,715 Finally, we go to eat lunch. 251 00:11:53,715 --> 00:11:55,757 I waited in line 33 minutes 252 00:11:55,757 --> 00:11:57,382 to spend $28 on chicken fingers, 253 00:11:57,382 --> 00:12:00,590 which is reasonable, right? 254 00:12:00,590 --> 00:12:02,715 Wait in line, wait in line, wait-- 255 00:12:02,715 --> 00:12:04,382 Finally, at the front of the line 256 00:12:04,382 --> 00:12:05,548 ready to place my order, a guy walks 257 00:12:05,548 --> 00:12:07,215 on the other side of the register, 258 00:12:07,215 --> 00:12:09,382 she takes the order. I go, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, excuse me. 259 00:12:09,382 --> 00:12:10,382 Can we just create our own line here?" 260 00:12:10,382 --> 00:12:12,548 He goes, "Actually, I'm a season pass holder. 261 00:12:12,548 --> 00:12:14,006 There's always two lines. You just didn't--" 262 00:12:14,006 --> 00:12:15,215 I go, "I'm not talking to you. 263 00:12:15,215 --> 00:12:16,340 "I'm definitely not talking to you. 264 00:12:16,340 --> 00:12:17,715 Excuse me, can we just create our own line here?" 265 00:12:17,715 --> 00:12:19,923 She goes, "Is there a problem, sir?" 266 00:12:19,923 --> 00:12:20,757 I go, "There is now, yeah. 267 00:12:20,757 --> 00:12:22,048 I'd like to see your manager." 268 00:12:22,048 --> 00:12:23,298 She says, "Excuse me?" 269 00:12:23,298 --> 00:12:24,340 I go, "I want to see your manager." 270 00:12:24,340 --> 00:12:25,632 She says this to me: 271 00:12:25,632 --> 00:12:28,215 "But... this is the happiest place on Earth." 272 00:12:30,507 --> 00:12:31,715 "Not today it's not, bitch. 273 00:12:31,715 --> 00:12:34,590 Get that goddamned manager now. Now!" 274 00:12:34,590 --> 00:12:36,131 Now, that's what I said in my head. 275 00:12:36,131 --> 00:12:38,340 I didn't say that out loud. 276 00:12:38,340 --> 00:12:39,090 What came out loud was, "Okay." 277 00:12:39,090 --> 00:12:41,298 So I pay... 278 00:12:41,298 --> 00:12:43,423 aggressively. 279 00:12:43,423 --> 00:12:44,632 Now I'm in the ball pen 280 00:12:44,632 --> 00:12:46,423 with all the other parents, right? 281 00:12:46,423 --> 00:12:47,757 The manager comes over, 282 00:12:47,757 --> 00:12:49,715 I reiterate my story out of principle. 283 00:12:49,715 --> 00:12:50,715 As I do, the guy is right there, he pipes up again, he goes, 284 00:12:50,715 --> 00:12:53,799 "I wasn't cutting. I'm a season pass holder. 285 00:12:53,799 --> 00:12:55,423 There's always two--" I go, 286 00:12:55,423 --> 00:12:57,215 "Dude, you're cheap. Shut up, shut up." 287 00:12:57,215 --> 00:12:59,548 As I say "shut up," I realize this. 288 00:12:59,548 --> 00:13:03,423 Everybody in front of me and behind me is uncomfortable. 289 00:13:03,423 --> 00:13:04,590 My wife is pissed off. 290 00:13:04,590 --> 00:13:06,881 I can feel her body heat and it is August 291 00:13:06,881 --> 00:13:08,923 in Southern California. That is heat. 292 00:13:08,923 --> 00:13:12,340 My daughter's crying. This man wants to fight me. 293 00:13:12,340 --> 00:13:13,590 And as I say "shut up," 294 00:13:13,590 --> 00:13:15,298 behind him walks his eight-year-old son 295 00:13:15,298 --> 00:13:17,881 and I just dressed down his hero in front of his very eyes. 296 00:13:17,881 --> 00:13:20,840 All these variables hit me in a second 297 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:21,923 and then the manager says this to me: 298 00:13:21,923 --> 00:13:24,632 "Sir, I am so sorry, so here's what I can do. 299 00:13:24,632 --> 00:13:26,923 I can offer you a free cupcake." 300 00:13:37,548 --> 00:13:38,715 "Well, then I'll take that cupcake, please sir, 301 00:13:38,715 --> 00:13:40,298 "Yeah, I'll take it. Yeah, okay. 302 00:13:40,298 --> 00:13:42,048 "Sprinkles? Chocolate, yeah. I earned it. Give it. 303 00:13:42,048 --> 00:13:46,298 Give me the goddamned-- Give me the cupcake now." 304 00:13:46,298 --> 00:13:47,257 She hands me the cupcake, 305 00:13:47,257 --> 00:13:48,965 I hold the cupcake in front of my wife, 306 00:13:48,965 --> 00:13:50,590 I'm like, "Got a cupcake out of it, right, kinda cool?" 307 00:13:50,590 --> 00:13:53,965 It is not cool. It is not cool. 308 00:13:53,965 --> 00:13:56,382 The guilt drives me down to the ground 309 00:13:56,382 --> 00:13:57,006 and I kneel down in front of that 310 00:13:57,006 --> 00:13:57,881 little eight-year-old boy 311 00:13:57,881 --> 00:14:00,840 and I hold out that cupcake. Yeah. 312 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,632 And I take a big-ass bite of that cupcake. 313 00:14:12,674 --> 00:14:14,674 Now, my wife didn't talk to me for an hour, 314 00:14:14,674 --> 00:14:16,923 but I didn't give a shit. I kept a sprinkle 315 00:14:16,923 --> 00:14:18,881 in the corner of my mouth like a single teardrop tattoo. 316 00:14:21,006 --> 00:14:22,674 Letting her know, that's a man you married, bitch. 317 00:14:22,674 --> 00:14:26,674 That is a man you married, bitch. 318 00:14:27,799 --> 00:14:29,507 And here's the lesson in this story. 319 00:14:29,507 --> 00:14:30,840 The lesson is this. 320 00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:33,006 I am now a very proud season pass holder 321 00:14:33,006 --> 00:14:35,590 at Disneyland, so... thank you. 322 00:14:40,881 --> 00:14:43,881 Now, I've been married for 4-1/2 years, 323 00:14:43,881 --> 00:14:45,507 we've been together for eight. 324 00:14:45,507 --> 00:14:46,674 I'm glad I met my wife when I did. 325 00:14:46,674 --> 00:14:48,048 I met her before a lot of dating apps, social media. 326 00:14:48,048 --> 00:14:51,590 Everything so accessible right there on your cell phone. 327 00:14:51,590 --> 00:14:53,715 Look, I got great guy friends, best friends. 328 00:14:53,715 --> 00:14:55,340 I see the representation 329 00:14:55,340 --> 00:14:57,465 of my friends in profile pictures, 330 00:14:57,465 --> 00:14:59,881 I don't know who that guy is. 331 00:14:59,881 --> 00:15:02,715 This is my point, I'm talking to every fella in this room. 332 00:15:02,715 --> 00:15:05,257 Pay attention, gentlemen, know this. 333 00:15:05,257 --> 00:15:08,048 You're not sexy. Okay? 334 00:15:08,048 --> 00:15:09,923 Visually, you're not, so please no more selfies 335 00:15:09,923 --> 00:15:12,715 in front of a gym mirror doing bicep curls 336 00:15:12,715 --> 00:15:15,006 and duck lips. It's got to stop. 337 00:15:15,006 --> 00:15:17,715 Nobody wants to go online and see who's shirtless 338 00:15:17,715 --> 00:15:19,923 in front of a Toyota Corolla 339 00:15:19,923 --> 00:15:24,048 doing Taekwondo with a boner. Please! 340 00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:25,090 Uncool. 341 00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:27,965 You want to take a picture of something sexy, 342 00:15:27,965 --> 00:15:30,590 you take a picture of a balanced checkbook 343 00:15:30,590 --> 00:15:31,799 with a lot of zeroes in it. 344 00:15:31,799 --> 00:15:35,006 That apparently is very sexy. 345 00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:39,090 And fuck you whores. You just fell for my trap. 346 00:15:39,090 --> 00:15:41,923 I smoked you out. I know who you gold diggers are. 347 00:15:45,215 --> 00:15:46,590 You single ladies know this. 348 00:15:46,590 --> 00:15:47,757 I don't shed a tear for single ladies. 349 00:15:47,757 --> 00:15:49,215 I'm so tired of girls. 350 00:15:49,215 --> 00:15:50,548 "It's hard out there. 351 00:15:50,548 --> 00:15:51,799 "You know, it's really difficult to meet a guy. 352 00:15:51,799 --> 00:15:53,423 It's tough to meet a man." 353 00:15:53,423 --> 00:15:54,590 Is it? Go outside. 354 00:15:54,590 --> 00:15:58,006 They're fucking everywhere. 355 00:15:58,006 --> 00:16:02,840 Honestly, pick up a rock, throw it, you'll hit a dude. 356 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:04,298 Here's a challenge, girls. 357 00:16:04,298 --> 00:16:05,965 Go out when nobody's out, you'll still see guys. 358 00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:09,257 Go to a gas station at midnight, oh, hey, a guy. 359 00:16:09,257 --> 00:16:11,465 Go to a Walgreen's Pharmacy at 4:00 in the morning, 360 00:16:11,465 --> 00:16:12,881 oh, look, another guy. 361 00:16:12,881 --> 00:16:13,674 Go take a piss in the woods, you hear a branch snap, 362 00:16:13,674 --> 00:16:17,423 that's definitely a guy. 363 00:16:17,423 --> 00:16:19,548 Everywhere. 364 00:16:22,090 --> 00:16:24,173 Now, I love my wife. I adore her. 365 00:16:24,173 --> 00:16:26,215 I think the world of her. She is my wife. 366 00:16:26,215 --> 00:16:28,423 But there are definitely times in my life I'm like, 367 00:16:28,423 --> 00:16:30,298 why are you here? 368 00:16:30,298 --> 00:16:32,632 Why? 369 00:16:32,632 --> 00:16:33,965 I'll give you an example. 370 00:16:33,965 --> 00:16:36,632 Any time I watch television with her. 371 00:16:36,632 --> 00:16:38,298 I spend 100-plus dollars 372 00:16:38,298 --> 00:16:39,840 on an infinite amount of cable channels a month. 373 00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:42,257 Why? Can I just buy one for her? 374 00:16:42,257 --> 00:16:44,465 HGTV. 375 00:16:44,465 --> 00:16:46,881 That's all she watches, HGTV. 376 00:16:46,881 --> 00:16:49,507 And I try to watch this horseshit with her. 377 00:16:49,507 --> 00:16:51,507 Horseshit. 378 00:16:51,507 --> 00:16:53,840 It's manure. 379 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,423 Let me summarize every HGTV show for you, okay? 380 00:16:56,423 --> 00:17:00,382 Some real estate agent that's just trying to do their job 381 00:17:00,382 --> 00:17:02,507 is showing around a couple-- a bunch of properties, 382 00:17:02,507 --> 00:17:04,173 and this couple's just constantly complaining the whole time. 383 00:17:04,173 --> 00:17:06,006 "Oh, my God, these floorboards are creaky. 384 00:17:06,006 --> 00:17:08,006 "P.U., it smells in here. Did somebody die? 385 00:17:08,006 --> 00:17:10,507 "These drapes are old. How far is the city? 386 00:17:10,507 --> 00:17:12,840 I don't like this commute. I want to build my man cave." 387 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:14,840 It's like, shut the fuck up and wait 28 minutes. 388 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:17,757 You ever seen the show before? It's gonna be awesome. 389 00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:21,840 I watch these couples, I'm like, fuck these two, 390 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:24,298 I hope they're never happy. 391 00:17:24,298 --> 00:17:26,215 I hope they die in a house fire. Fuck 'em. 392 00:17:30,090 --> 00:17:34,048 That's the show I'd watch, "House Fire." 393 00:17:34,048 --> 00:17:36,674 13th property, I'd padlock it, light it, get the fuck... 394 00:17:36,674 --> 00:17:38,674 "Bye, fuck you guys." 395 00:17:40,548 --> 00:17:41,923 But look, at the same time, 396 00:17:41,923 --> 00:17:44,590 my wife does not want to watch my shows. 397 00:17:44,590 --> 00:17:46,173 Now, I love "Ghost Hunters." Okay? 398 00:17:46,173 --> 00:17:48,840 Now, here's the thing I know about every property 399 00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:50,173 that is haunted in these United States, okay? 400 00:17:50,173 --> 00:17:53,881 It's haunted by a ghost from the late 1800s 401 00:17:53,881 --> 00:17:56,715 to early 1900s. That's every ghost. 402 00:17:56,715 --> 00:17:57,965 It's a man in a regal suit 403 00:17:57,965 --> 00:18:00,006 with a bowstring tie and a derby cap 404 00:18:00,006 --> 00:18:02,048 or a woman in a ruffled Victorian dress 405 00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:03,923 with a pennant of a silhouetted daughter 406 00:18:03,923 --> 00:18:05,090 who died at the age of six of the flu. 407 00:18:05,090 --> 00:18:10,715 It's like, this is... every morbid ghost. 408 00:18:10,715 --> 00:18:13,548 It's time to update these ghosts. 409 00:18:13,548 --> 00:18:15,215 And I'll be part of that movement 410 00:18:15,215 --> 00:18:18,090 'cause I will die in my house and I will stay in my house, 411 00:18:18,090 --> 00:18:21,090 I will never leave my house because I paid off 412 00:18:21,090 --> 00:18:22,757 a 30-year mortgage in that house. 413 00:18:22,757 --> 00:18:26,923 That is my house. I will haunt this house. 414 00:18:26,923 --> 00:18:30,257 (cheers and applause) 415 00:18:30,257 --> 00:18:32,090 I'll haunt it. 416 00:18:32,090 --> 00:18:34,923 But I'll be cool. I'll be a cool ghost. 417 00:18:34,923 --> 00:18:36,090 People will be like, "Yeah, there's a comedian 418 00:18:36,090 --> 00:18:36,799 "that used to live in this house and, uh, 419 00:18:36,799 --> 00:18:39,257 "it's said he can be seen 420 00:18:39,257 --> 00:18:41,715 "roaming the halls after midnight 421 00:18:41,715 --> 00:18:43,340 "in boxer briefs? 422 00:18:43,340 --> 00:18:48,840 "He's been described as having the body of a cubicle worker. 423 00:18:50,799 --> 00:18:52,298 "Anytime he appears, 424 00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:54,923 "the scent of Stouffer's French bread supreme pizza 425 00:18:54,923 --> 00:18:57,965 "permeates the living space. 426 00:18:57,965 --> 00:19:00,465 "And he can be heard repeating over and over again, 427 00:19:00,465 --> 00:19:03,131 "'Is the Wi-Fi down? Is the Wi-Fi down?' 428 00:19:03,131 --> 00:19:05,881 'Oh, fuck you, Time Warner, the Wi-Fi's down.'" 429 00:19:09,131 --> 00:19:11,382 Now, I'll haunt the house, but I'll be cool. 430 00:19:11,382 --> 00:19:12,757 I'll be cool with that dad. 431 00:19:12,757 --> 00:19:14,006 'Cause I live in my house now with my family, 432 00:19:14,006 --> 00:19:16,632 one day a new family come in, I'll be cool with that dad. 433 00:19:16,632 --> 00:19:19,923 And that dad could confide to his friends how cool I am. 434 00:19:19,923 --> 00:19:20,965 Like, you know what's weird, fellas? 435 00:19:20,965 --> 00:19:22,799 I think I have a ghost in my house 436 00:19:22,799 --> 00:19:24,340 because the kids are in bed, 437 00:19:24,340 --> 00:19:26,715 the wife's in bed, right, it's late at night. 438 00:19:26,715 --> 00:19:28,507 I got the iPad out, I'm jerking off, 439 00:19:28,507 --> 00:19:32,715 watching some porn, and I feel like there's a presence 440 00:19:32,715 --> 00:19:36,006 next to me jerking off with me. 441 00:19:40,340 --> 00:19:42,674 Oohhh. 442 00:19:44,173 --> 00:19:45,215 Oohhh. 443 00:19:52,382 --> 00:19:53,298 Sorry, Mom. 444 00:19:57,173 --> 00:19:59,382 You know, like, if you have a piano, it's late at night, 445 00:19:59,382 --> 00:20:00,298 the piano's playing, "dunh, dunh, dunh!" 446 00:20:00,298 --> 00:20:02,215 Ghost playing the piano, pack the shit, 447 00:20:02,215 --> 00:20:02,965 we're selling this house, it's haunted, let's go. 448 00:20:02,965 --> 00:20:05,715 I won't do stuff like that. 449 00:20:05,715 --> 00:20:07,465 I will not. I'll do cool stuff. 450 00:20:07,465 --> 00:20:08,340 But the dad will be with the wife, he'll be like, 451 00:20:08,340 --> 00:20:10,173 "You know what, honey, it's weird, 452 00:20:10,173 --> 00:20:11,840 "we leave for that party, right? 453 00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:15,048 "I know when we left, I shut my laptop, okay? 454 00:20:15,048 --> 00:20:18,465 "But then we come home, my laptop is obviously up 455 00:20:18,465 --> 00:20:21,715 "and there's porn playing on my laptop. 456 00:20:21,715 --> 00:20:23,215 "And it's not like one window, 457 00:20:23,215 --> 00:20:27,048 "there's like 28 windows of porn playing on my laptop. 458 00:20:27,048 --> 00:20:28,048 "And I'll shut it in disgust 459 00:20:28,048 --> 00:20:30,632 "and I feel, like, this male presence 460 00:20:30,632 --> 00:20:32,715 "leave the room in embarrassment. 461 00:20:33,507 --> 00:20:37,965 And is followed by a ghost cat." 462 00:20:37,965 --> 00:20:40,799 (laughter and applause) 463 00:20:48,298 --> 00:20:50,423 Now, that's gross. 464 00:20:52,881 --> 00:20:55,590 Over time, I've discovered 465 00:20:55,590 --> 00:21:00,048 that my wife definitely and I have a different sense of humor. 466 00:21:00,048 --> 00:21:01,507 There are things I witness that-- 467 00:21:01,507 --> 00:21:02,632 sometimes I'm like, oh, I'm glad I'm with my guy friends 468 00:21:02,632 --> 00:21:05,173 to appreciate this, and I'll give you an example. 469 00:21:05,173 --> 00:21:07,131 I was in Las Vegas recently, we go to Mandalay Bay, 470 00:21:07,131 --> 00:21:09,257 there's a lazy river in the back, 471 00:21:09,257 --> 00:21:10,923 people floating, laying along the lazy river. 472 00:21:10,923 --> 00:21:12,507 I hit this one bend 473 00:21:12,507 --> 00:21:14,257 and there was this gorgeous, gorgeous woman laying out 474 00:21:14,257 --> 00:21:18,548 with a bikini completely to the side, okay? 475 00:21:18,548 --> 00:21:20,298 So, the vagina is out. 476 00:21:20,298 --> 00:21:23,298 Out, the only thing more out than this vagina 477 00:21:23,298 --> 00:21:26,423 is Clay Aiken. It is out. 478 00:21:26,423 --> 00:21:27,590 And I am mesmerized, as any man would be. 479 00:21:27,590 --> 00:21:29,965 Right, I'm a man, I'm floating through it, it's like, 480 00:21:29,965 --> 00:21:31,215 "Yeah, let's, uh, let's go to a fight tonight, 481 00:21:31,215 --> 00:21:33,215 "not a 'Cirque' show, let's go see that fight. 482 00:21:33,215 --> 00:21:34,674 "That's what we'll do, yeah. We're gonna have a good time. 483 00:21:34,674 --> 00:21:38,215 I'll lock up the tickets, we're gonna go... will..." 484 00:21:45,590 --> 00:21:47,507 "Guys, come here. 485 00:21:47,507 --> 00:21:50,881 "Look, look, look, look, look,look, look, look. 486 00:21:54,423 --> 00:21:56,257 "We have to go again. We have to, it's free. 487 00:21:56,257 --> 00:21:58,382 "Come on. Paid a lot to see that last night. 488 00:21:58,382 --> 00:22:01,131 Let's go, paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle." 489 00:22:01,131 --> 00:22:02,423 We keep lapping this pool 490 00:22:02,423 --> 00:22:07,131 like we had never seen a vagine in our lives. 491 00:22:07,131 --> 00:22:10,674 I timed it. Three hours, seven minutes. 492 00:22:10,674 --> 00:22:12,131 That is a "Lord of the Rings" film in prune hands. 493 00:22:12,131 --> 00:22:14,548 That's what we accomplished that day. 494 00:22:14,548 --> 00:22:17,590 But I know for a fact if my wife's in my situation, 495 00:22:17,590 --> 00:22:19,590 she's floating with her girlfriends, 496 00:22:19,590 --> 00:22:22,090 shoots a bend in the pool, there's a dude laying out 497 00:22:22,090 --> 00:22:25,006 with his nuts dropped like a bad transmission, 498 00:22:25,006 --> 00:22:27,006 just a two-piece chilling outside of a pair 499 00:22:27,006 --> 00:22:31,298 of board shorts like a hairy chandelier. 500 00:22:31,298 --> 00:22:32,548 She doesn't appreciate that. "Let's get a mimosa. 501 00:22:32,548 --> 00:22:35,048 "But I'll share it with you 'cause it's daytime. 502 00:22:35,048 --> 00:22:36,674 "I want to enjoy my day, I want to enjoy my night 503 00:22:36,674 --> 00:22:38,757 "'cause we're gonna have so much fun this weekend, girls. 504 00:22:38,757 --> 00:22:40,507 We're gonna have so much..." 505 00:22:45,131 --> 00:22:47,881 "Don't turn around. Don't, no. 506 00:22:47,881 --> 00:22:50,006 (heavy breathing) 507 00:22:50,006 --> 00:22:53,340 "You can't unsee what I just saw. 508 00:22:54,923 --> 00:22:56,173 "As a matter of fact, we're leaving. 509 00:22:56,173 --> 00:22:58,465 "We're not staying here. I saw this thing. We're getting-- 510 00:22:58,465 --> 00:23:00,632 "Tina, I don't give a shit what you found on Priceline, 511 00:23:00,632 --> 00:23:02,090 we're getting the fuck out now!" 512 00:23:02,090 --> 00:23:06,965 (cheers and applause) 513 00:23:10,131 --> 00:23:12,507 You get me and my guy friends floating through a pool, 514 00:23:12,507 --> 00:23:14,257 there's a dude laying out with his nuts popped out. 515 00:23:14,257 --> 00:23:16,881 "Yeah, let's, uh, let's get a steak. 516 00:23:16,881 --> 00:23:18,548 "Not a Mexican or Italian, let's get a steak dinner. 517 00:23:18,548 --> 00:23:20,215 "Let's treat ourselves like gentlemen. 518 00:23:20,215 --> 00:23:23,382 Let's do it, right? Like a bunch of g..." 519 00:23:31,881 --> 00:23:33,382 "Guys, come here. 520 00:23:33,382 --> 00:23:36,507 "Look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look. 521 00:23:40,590 --> 00:23:43,465 "Oh, we have to go again. It's free, we have to. 522 00:23:43,465 --> 00:23:48,215 "I'm gonna name my boys. I'm gonna name 'em. 523 00:23:48,215 --> 00:23:51,131 I'll call that one Lance, that one Armstrong." 524 00:23:59,423 --> 00:24:02,632 I will say this, over the course of my marriage, 525 00:24:02,632 --> 00:24:06,590 and aspiring to always be a better husband... 526 00:24:06,590 --> 00:24:09,173 I will say this, the biggest lesson I've had to learn 527 00:24:09,173 --> 00:24:10,881 in terms of trying to be a better husband 528 00:24:10,881 --> 00:24:15,090 and a great partner in life is that my wife is very sensitive. 529 00:24:15,090 --> 00:24:17,006 So, I gotta watch what I say. 530 00:24:17,006 --> 00:24:18,090 As a comic, I gotta watch what I say, 531 00:24:18,090 --> 00:24:20,674 particularly when it comes to body image, you know? 532 00:24:20,674 --> 00:24:23,257 She's very sensitive, she's-- you know, we live in Los Angeles. 533 00:24:23,257 --> 00:24:25,131 She is not some skinny waif who's gonna drink 534 00:24:25,131 --> 00:24:27,006 juice smoothies and do yoga all day. 535 00:24:27,006 --> 00:24:29,632 No, this is a girl from Minnesota. 536 00:24:29,632 --> 00:24:32,090 This is why I married her. This is the kind of girl 537 00:24:32,090 --> 00:24:33,757 I could walk into Cheesecake Factory with. 538 00:24:33,757 --> 00:24:35,799 As soon as we walk in, we'll look at each other like, 539 00:24:35,799 --> 00:24:37,923 whoa, whoa, whoa. 540 00:24:37,923 --> 00:24:40,298 We gonna fuck up that cake? 541 00:24:40,298 --> 00:24:43,048 (cheers and applause) 542 00:24:47,257 --> 00:24:49,257 We're like people at a dog pound. 543 00:24:49,257 --> 00:24:50,632 It's like, "You're coming home with us. 544 00:24:50,632 --> 00:24:52,881 "You're coming home with us. You're coming home with us. 545 00:24:52,881 --> 00:24:55,548 I want to take them all home." 546 00:24:55,548 --> 00:24:58,465 So, here's the lesson I had to learn, okay? 547 00:24:58,465 --> 00:25:00,465 The other day, I was sitting on my couch, watching TV, 548 00:25:00,465 --> 00:25:01,632 she comes in with a laundry basket full of clothes 549 00:25:01,632 --> 00:25:05,257 from the dryer and dumps it on the couch next to me, 550 00:25:05,257 --> 00:25:07,173 which means... we're folding laundry? 551 00:25:07,173 --> 00:25:09,757 What the fuck? 552 00:25:09,757 --> 00:25:11,340 Now, I gotta preface this next part with letting you know, 553 00:25:11,340 --> 00:25:14,840 my wife has got a big ass, okay? 554 00:25:14,840 --> 00:25:16,507 I am not speaking out of school. 555 00:25:16,507 --> 00:25:18,507 She'd be the first to tell you or admit it, she got a big butt. 556 00:25:18,507 --> 00:25:19,715 Like, if you saw my wife from behind, you'd be like, 557 00:25:19,715 --> 00:25:22,674 "Oh, I bet she's married to a professional athlete." 558 00:25:25,965 --> 00:25:29,548 You got it? You get what I... 559 00:25:29,548 --> 00:25:31,465 Like, if you saw my wife from behind, 560 00:25:31,465 --> 00:25:32,173 you'd be like, "Oh, I bet she's married to somebody 561 00:25:32,173 --> 00:25:35,298 that always votes Democrat." 562 00:25:36,548 --> 00:25:39,507 (man) - Whoo! - I don't think you guys-- 563 00:25:39,507 --> 00:25:42,674 okay, um, like if you saw my wife from behind, 564 00:25:42,674 --> 00:25:43,590 you'd be like, "Oh, I bet she's married to somebody 565 00:25:43,590 --> 00:25:48,048 that owns at least one Tyler Perry DVD." 566 00:25:49,257 --> 00:25:51,382 (man) - Whoo! 567 00:25:51,382 --> 00:25:52,257 - A black guy, he got it. A black guy. 568 00:25:52,257 --> 00:25:55,382 There we go. Black guy. 569 00:25:57,340 --> 00:25:59,674 So, she has a big ass. 570 00:25:59,674 --> 00:26:01,674 So, I go in this laundry pile, the first thing I pick out 571 00:26:01,674 --> 00:26:02,881 are these cut-off sweat shorts that she wears. 572 00:26:02,881 --> 00:26:05,340 I wasn't even thinking, just reflexively this comes out. 573 00:26:05,340 --> 00:26:10,173 I hold them up, I go, "Whoa!" 574 00:26:14,131 --> 00:26:16,674 Everything got quiet, everything. 575 00:26:16,674 --> 00:26:19,757 Even the guy golfing on TV was like... 576 00:26:29,423 --> 00:26:32,465 The way I said "whoa" is not the way any woman 577 00:26:32,465 --> 00:26:35,298 would like to hear her waistline described. 578 00:26:35,298 --> 00:26:37,840 The way I said "whoa" was the way you say "whoa" 579 00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:41,090 when you see the Grand Canyon for the first time. 580 00:26:41,090 --> 00:26:47,131 Whoa! 581 00:26:47,131 --> 00:26:51,423 Not pants. Not pants. 582 00:26:51,423 --> 00:26:52,590 So, I know I messed up, right? 583 00:26:52,590 --> 00:26:56,215 And I slowly, slowly look over at my wife 584 00:26:56,215 --> 00:26:57,757 and I see the tear develop there. 585 00:26:57,757 --> 00:26:59,340 (audience) - Aww. 586 00:26:59,340 --> 00:27:01,590 - Now, it didn't drop, so it's not official, okay? 587 00:27:01,590 --> 00:27:05,590 We've all had tears peek-a-boo, they go back in. 588 00:27:05,590 --> 00:27:08,465 So, to me, unless it's moonwalking on that cheek, 589 00:27:08,465 --> 00:27:10,881 I don't give a shit. Your feelings ain't hurt. 590 00:27:10,881 --> 00:27:12,840 It's not a real tear. 591 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:14,548 But I know I messed up. 592 00:27:14,548 --> 00:27:15,465 And I'm like, "I'm so sorry, I love you. 593 00:27:15,465 --> 00:27:18,048 "I love you so much, I wasn't think--" 594 00:27:18,048 --> 00:27:19,465 "Get out. Get out of this house." 595 00:27:19,465 --> 00:27:22,215 "I got it. I'm gonna fold it all. 596 00:27:22,215 --> 00:27:23,465 "Go get some fresh air. That's what you should-- 597 00:27:23,465 --> 00:27:24,923 "Take a lap around the neighborhood. 598 00:27:24,923 --> 00:27:26,465 "Take a long lap around that-- take a few laps, 599 00:27:26,465 --> 00:27:28,632 "get those laps that are... 600 00:27:28,632 --> 00:27:30,382 "I'm not saying you need the exercise. 601 00:27:30,382 --> 00:27:32,298 "That's not what I was... 602 00:27:32,298 --> 00:27:33,674 "You know I love you and I love your a... 603 00:27:33,674 --> 00:27:35,715 "You think about this. A few years ago, 604 00:27:35,715 --> 00:27:38,173 "girls spent thousands of dollars on surgery 605 00:27:38,173 --> 00:27:39,674 "to get fat sucked out of their ass. 606 00:27:39,674 --> 00:27:42,382 "Now they get surgery to get fat put in their ass. 607 00:27:42,382 --> 00:27:43,923 "And you don't need it 'cause you already got the fa-- 608 00:27:43,923 --> 00:27:45,923 I'm gonna shut the fuck up." 609 00:27:45,923 --> 00:27:48,298 (exhales) 610 00:27:48,298 --> 00:27:51,423 (laughter and applause) 611 00:27:52,590 --> 00:27:55,340 That's when my wife walked over to the laundry pile 612 00:27:55,340 --> 00:27:56,923 and she picked up my boxer briefs 613 00:27:56,923 --> 00:28:00,382 and she goes, "Medium." 614 00:28:06,881 --> 00:28:11,715 And that's when I learned that those tears are real. 615 00:28:11,715 --> 00:28:15,298 It's a real tear. It does count. 616 00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:20,674 Now, my wife is sensitive. I am not sensitive. 617 00:28:20,674 --> 00:28:23,632 My guy friends are certainly not sensitive. 618 00:28:23,632 --> 00:28:25,840 And if I could encapsulate an event that occurred recently 619 00:28:25,840 --> 00:28:27,965 where something is socially acceptable 620 00:28:27,965 --> 00:28:30,965 to a group of my guy friends and certainly not to my wife, 621 00:28:30,965 --> 00:28:32,465 it would be this. 622 00:28:32,465 --> 00:28:34,340 A few weeks ago, my wife asked to borrow my phone. 623 00:28:34,340 --> 00:28:35,173 I said, "Sure, take it. No problem." 624 00:28:35,173 --> 00:28:37,548 Her battery died. She walks away. 625 00:28:37,548 --> 00:28:38,840 Every guy's worst nightmare happened to me. 626 00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:42,881 Sexual text messages start popping up on my phone. 627 00:28:42,881 --> 00:28:44,965 She stopped dead in her tracks, she walks over, she goes, 628 00:28:44,965 --> 00:28:45,757 "What the hell is this?" 629 00:28:45,757 --> 00:28:47,548 I take it, I'm like, "Oh, shit. 630 00:28:47,548 --> 00:28:51,006 "Oh, God, oh, oh. I'm so sorry. 631 00:28:51,006 --> 00:28:53,382 "I'm sorry you had to see this, this is so bad. 632 00:28:53,382 --> 00:28:54,507 "But you're reading the text messages, 633 00:28:54,507 --> 00:28:56,507 "you're not reading the names. 634 00:28:56,507 --> 00:28:59,965 "These are my guy friends. 635 00:28:59,965 --> 00:29:03,298 "You see, I'm having a very bad Fantasy Football Sunday 636 00:29:03,298 --> 00:29:04,881 "because I'm losing so bad, 637 00:29:04,881 --> 00:29:08,715 they're telling me all the shit they're gonna do to my body." 638 00:29:10,715 --> 00:29:12,923 Yeah, "Steve, I can't wait to bend you over 639 00:29:12,923 --> 00:29:14,548 and fuck you straight up in that wet pussy of yours." 640 00:29:14,548 --> 00:29:17,923 Okay, I don't have a pussy, 641 00:29:17,923 --> 00:29:19,923 and if I did, it wouldn't get wet from losing. 642 00:29:19,923 --> 00:29:22,590 I have no idea what that means. That's confusing. 643 00:29:22,590 --> 00:29:24,257 "Steve, I'm just letting you know 644 00:29:24,257 --> 00:29:27,465 that when I fuck you like this, this is strictly physical." 645 00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:32,090 "There's no emotions involved, so don't try to kiss me 646 00:29:32,090 --> 00:29:33,881 or make eye contact with me." 647 00:29:35,548 --> 00:29:37,257 "You will never meet my friends or family. 648 00:29:37,257 --> 00:29:38,548 You're my fuck toy." 649 00:29:38,548 --> 00:29:40,423 That's not nice. You don't... 650 00:29:40,423 --> 00:29:42,757 don't talk to someone like that. 651 00:29:42,757 --> 00:29:44,674 "Steve, I wish I could scientifically prove 652 00:29:44,674 --> 00:29:46,423 "I could get a man's face pregnant 653 00:29:46,423 --> 00:29:48,757 when I blow my load in your mouth." 654 00:29:51,257 --> 00:29:53,257 It's creative. 655 00:29:53,257 --> 00:29:54,923 She goes... 656 00:29:54,923 --> 00:29:57,423 "Is this what you and your friends do?" 657 00:29:58,715 --> 00:30:00,507 "Yes? Yes, yes. 658 00:30:00,507 --> 00:30:02,006 "Do you guys text? You don't... 659 00:30:02,006 --> 00:30:03,799 What do-- what do you girls text each other?" 660 00:30:03,799 --> 00:30:08,048 She's like, "Baby pictures and recipes." 661 00:30:08,048 --> 00:30:09,632 "That is not on this phone. 662 00:30:09,632 --> 00:30:11,757 "There are no baby pictures or-- 663 00:30:11,757 --> 00:30:15,632 "Oh, here's a recipe for... semen. 664 00:30:17,799 --> 00:30:19,923 "Steve, this season has been such a debacle for you 665 00:30:19,923 --> 00:30:21,382 "that for the remaining few weeks, 666 00:30:21,382 --> 00:30:22,632 "I'll make it nice on you. 667 00:30:22,632 --> 00:30:24,548 "I will refrain from touching myself 668 00:30:24,548 --> 00:30:26,382 "and keep a steady diet of pineapple. 669 00:30:26,382 --> 00:30:28,715 "I will develop... 670 00:30:28,715 --> 00:30:30,923 "such a sweet, heavy load that when I dump it on you, 671 00:30:30,923 --> 00:30:33,090 "it will resemble the end of the movie 'Carrie,' 672 00:30:33,090 --> 00:30:35,006 "but instead of blood, it will be my semen 673 00:30:35,006 --> 00:30:37,340 "drowning you and your entire township. 674 00:30:37,340 --> 00:30:39,173 Hashtag: dessert time." 675 00:30:39,173 --> 00:30:40,799 What the fuck? 676 00:30:42,799 --> 00:30:45,632 (exhales) 677 00:30:48,881 --> 00:30:51,507 She goes, "Why is this happening?" 678 00:30:51,507 --> 00:30:54,881 "I had a bad draft?" 679 00:30:54,881 --> 00:30:55,715 She's like, "You're disgusting." 680 00:30:55,715 --> 00:30:59,674 I'm like, "I'm the fucking victim." 681 00:31:00,674 --> 00:31:03,465 Well, no easy segue to this one. 682 00:31:03,465 --> 00:31:06,382 We have a daughter now. 683 00:31:06,382 --> 00:31:07,006 Sorry. 684 00:31:09,674 --> 00:31:11,881 Got a little girl. Got a little boy. 685 00:31:11,881 --> 00:31:13,799 I wanna do my best now as a father 686 00:31:13,799 --> 00:31:15,799 to impart upon them some words of wisdom, 687 00:31:15,799 --> 00:31:16,799 some life lessons, some shortcuts. 688 00:31:16,799 --> 00:31:19,340 Look, I know they're not gonna listen to me. 689 00:31:19,340 --> 00:31:20,382 They're gonna make up their own... 690 00:31:20,382 --> 00:31:21,881 But, look, it's not gonna prevent me from trying 691 00:31:21,881 --> 00:31:25,006 to be a good pop and pass down some knowledge. 692 00:31:25,006 --> 00:31:25,923 You know, I'm 40, I learned most of my lessons. 693 00:31:25,923 --> 00:31:28,548 I definitely still have some to learn. 694 00:31:28,548 --> 00:31:30,215 But I like to pass it down. Like, how old are you, buddy, right here? 695 00:31:30,215 --> 00:31:31,632 22? 696 00:31:31,632 --> 00:31:34,674 You look good for 22. 697 00:31:36,548 --> 00:31:38,674 Jesus Christ. 698 00:31:41,006 --> 00:31:43,548 Are you a smoker? God damn, dude. 699 00:31:43,548 --> 00:31:46,173 Now, what's your name? 700 00:31:46,173 --> 00:31:47,674 - Ken. - Ken? 701 00:31:47,674 --> 00:31:49,423 All right, first off, let's lose the attitude, Ken. 702 00:31:49,423 --> 00:31:50,881 I don't know where that's coming from. 703 00:31:50,881 --> 00:31:53,881 Ken, enjoy your 20s. 20s are the best. 704 00:31:53,881 --> 00:31:55,840 People will say, "College are the best years 705 00:31:55,840 --> 00:31:57,881 of your life." I absolutely disagree. 706 00:31:57,881 --> 00:31:58,215 Your 20s are. 707 00:31:58,215 --> 00:32:00,923 You're... 708 00:32:00,923 --> 00:32:04,257 Take as many pictures of yourself as you can right now 709 00:32:04,257 --> 00:32:07,173 because the rest of your life, you'll be trying to get back 710 00:32:07,173 --> 00:32:08,881 to what you have right now. 711 00:32:08,881 --> 00:32:10,632 If you wake up and look at yourself in the mirror and go, 712 00:32:10,632 --> 00:32:14,590 "Oh, fuck," kill yourself now. 713 00:32:14,590 --> 00:32:17,840 Right now, you are the '96 Bulls. 714 00:32:19,131 --> 00:32:20,423 Ten-- Yeah. 715 00:32:20,423 --> 00:32:22,923 (cheering) 716 00:32:26,090 --> 00:32:31,382 Ten years from now, you're Jordan on the Wizards. 717 00:32:31,382 --> 00:32:33,131 It's gonna get sad. 718 00:32:36,757 --> 00:32:38,257 There's a blissful ignorance to your 20s. 719 00:32:38,257 --> 00:32:42,757 For example, you most likely do not know what kale is yet. 720 00:32:42,757 --> 00:32:44,799 Exactly. Kale's not on your grocery list. 721 00:32:44,799 --> 00:32:46,799 At 22, you don't even have a grocery list. 722 00:32:46,799 --> 00:32:47,757 Here's your grocery list at 22: 723 00:32:47,757 --> 00:32:51,590 Chipotle-- that's your grocery list. 724 00:32:51,590 --> 00:32:54,006 Kale is a rich, nutrient-ridden leaf. 725 00:32:54,006 --> 00:32:54,965 It's overpriced, it tastes like shit. 726 00:32:54,965 --> 00:32:56,923 But once you turn 30, you will eat kale 727 00:32:56,923 --> 00:33:00,923 because you're getting back on track, baby! 728 00:33:02,757 --> 00:33:05,006 I can't stand people in their early 30s 729 00:33:05,006 --> 00:33:06,674 who are like, "I'm eating right, 730 00:33:06,674 --> 00:33:07,881 "I've been working out for six months. 731 00:33:07,881 --> 00:33:08,840 I'm in the best shape of my life." 732 00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:11,757 That ship has sailed, my friend. 733 00:33:11,757 --> 00:33:12,881 The best shape of any of our lives, 734 00:33:12,881 --> 00:33:16,632 between the ages of four to eight years old. 735 00:33:16,632 --> 00:33:18,799 That is the best shape of your life. 736 00:33:18,799 --> 00:33:21,507 You climb a tree, you fall down, you cry for two minutes. 737 00:33:21,507 --> 00:33:23,881 Next you know, you're going down stairs in a cardboard box. 738 00:33:23,881 --> 00:33:25,173 That's unbelievable shape. 739 00:33:27,674 --> 00:33:30,257 Okay, you-- you on Tinder? 740 00:33:30,257 --> 00:33:34,881 Look at me like a fucking man. Are you on Tinder? 741 00:33:34,881 --> 00:33:37,090 No. I respect you. 742 00:33:38,465 --> 00:33:39,840 As a fellow, I will say this. 743 00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:41,840 I find Tinder to be very condescending. 744 00:33:41,840 --> 00:33:43,840 The audacity of some of you guys 745 00:33:43,840 --> 00:33:45,965 to just sit there and visually swipe on faces 746 00:33:45,965 --> 00:33:47,965 dictating who and who is not fuck-worthy 747 00:33:47,965 --> 00:33:50,465 in your little kingdoms on your phone. 748 00:33:50,465 --> 00:33:51,674 If you have the balls to use Tinder 749 00:33:51,674 --> 00:33:53,257 in the privacy of your phone, 750 00:33:53,257 --> 00:33:54,881 you should have the balls to use Tinder in real life. 751 00:33:54,881 --> 00:33:56,715 Go to a bar, tap a girl on her shoulder, 752 00:33:56,715 --> 00:33:59,840 wait for her to turn around. "Oh, Jesus Christ." 753 00:34:01,090 --> 00:34:05,881 "Oh, God. This is the worst Chili's ever!" 754 00:34:08,465 --> 00:34:10,006 (cheers and applause) 755 00:34:18,881 --> 00:34:21,215 Ken, are you single? Yeah. 756 00:34:21,215 --> 00:34:22,006 Listen, um... 757 00:34:24,298 --> 00:34:26,715 Do me this favor, and I really mean this as a fella. 758 00:34:26,715 --> 00:34:27,881 You got your whole life ahead of you, 759 00:34:27,881 --> 00:34:30,048 starting to date, whatever, 760 00:34:30,048 --> 00:34:31,881 you've got some girls on, whatever. 761 00:34:31,881 --> 00:34:32,965 Look, never, ever, ever look at a girl 762 00:34:32,965 --> 00:34:35,215 and say, "That girl is out of my league." 763 00:34:35,215 --> 00:34:38,548 You always give love a shot, always give love a shot. 764 00:34:38,548 --> 00:34:41,840 Very few girls are truly out of your league, looks-wise, okay? 765 00:34:41,840 --> 00:34:43,965 This is what I mean. Um, go to a hot spot, 766 00:34:43,965 --> 00:34:44,881 find a girl you like, look at her and go, 767 00:34:44,881 --> 00:34:47,257 "Aw, she's stunning, she'd never..." 768 00:34:47,257 --> 00:34:49,257 Stop yourself. Then you look at that girl 769 00:34:49,257 --> 00:34:53,215 and you picture that girl as an Applebee's waitress. 770 00:34:54,382 --> 00:34:56,757 And if you can picture that girl working at Applebee's, 771 00:34:56,757 --> 00:34:59,923 you got a fucking shot. 772 00:35:03,215 --> 00:35:05,257 Every Applebee's... 773 00:35:05,257 --> 00:35:07,923 every Applebee's has one hottie, okay? 774 00:35:07,923 --> 00:35:09,923 And very few women are too stunning 775 00:35:09,923 --> 00:35:11,257 to work at Applebee's. Here's what I mean. 776 00:35:11,257 --> 00:35:13,632 Jennifer Lawrence, she's stunning, she's beautiful, 777 00:35:13,632 --> 00:35:15,382 she's a movie star, she's talented. 778 00:35:15,382 --> 00:35:16,674 "Silver Linings Playbook," 779 00:35:16,674 --> 00:35:17,923 "Hunger Games," she's got it all. 780 00:35:17,923 --> 00:35:20,757 You think without that talent, she's working at Applebee's? 781 00:35:20,757 --> 00:35:24,257 Oh, you better believe it. 782 00:35:24,257 --> 00:35:27,215 Reese Witherspoon, you see her working at Applebee's? 783 00:35:27,215 --> 00:35:28,382 Yeah. 784 00:35:28,382 --> 00:35:31,590 Probably a district manager within nine months. 785 00:35:31,590 --> 00:35:33,340 Fast track. 786 00:35:34,632 --> 00:35:36,048 Angelina Jolie. 787 00:35:36,048 --> 00:35:38,131 You see her kicking open a kitchen door 788 00:35:38,131 --> 00:35:40,006 with some sizzling fajitas in tow trying to upsell you 789 00:35:40,006 --> 00:35:43,298 on a piña colada during happy hour? 790 00:35:43,298 --> 00:35:45,131 Fuck, no. 791 00:35:45,131 --> 00:35:48,799 Angelina Jolie has never and will never step foot 792 00:35:48,799 --> 00:35:51,799 inside of an Applebee's. 793 00:35:51,799 --> 00:35:53,507 So, you're sitting there saying to yourself, 794 00:35:53,507 --> 00:35:54,799 "I got a shot with most girls, 795 00:35:54,799 --> 00:35:56,423 but probably not Angelina Jolie." 796 00:35:56,423 --> 00:35:59,131 And, Ken, you are correct. 797 00:35:59,131 --> 00:36:02,632 But know this. For every Angelina Jolie, 798 00:36:02,632 --> 00:36:04,173 there is a Billy Bob Thornton. 799 00:36:08,507 --> 00:36:10,131 (cheers and applause) 800 00:36:14,340 --> 00:36:18,006 So, get out there and be that Billy Bob Thornton. 801 00:36:18,006 --> 00:36:22,257 And, Ken, you are halfway there. 802 00:36:26,799 --> 00:36:30,215 So sorry. What a nice guy. 803 00:36:30,215 --> 00:36:31,840 Um, you ever been in a bar fight? 804 00:36:31,840 --> 00:36:33,674 No? Do me this favor, 805 00:36:33,674 --> 00:36:35,006 and I truly mean this, 806 00:36:35,006 --> 00:36:38,465 never, ever, ever in a bar fight a man 807 00:36:38,465 --> 00:36:40,173 in his mid-30s or older, ever. 808 00:36:40,173 --> 00:36:42,799 Because you're in a bar to meet girls. 809 00:36:42,799 --> 00:36:46,090 He's in a bar because he's angry. 810 00:36:46,090 --> 00:36:47,881 Right? 811 00:36:47,881 --> 00:36:51,548 Shit didn't work out the way he thought it was gonna. 812 00:36:51,548 --> 00:36:52,799 So, when you find yourself on the floor of a bar 813 00:36:52,799 --> 00:36:55,131 getting your face rocked, 814 00:36:55,131 --> 00:36:56,674 like, "Fuck, this guy's got a lot of rage." 815 00:36:56,674 --> 00:36:59,006 Oh, yes, he does. 816 00:37:03,881 --> 00:37:05,965 And he ain't punching you, 817 00:37:05,965 --> 00:37:08,548 he's punching a 401(k), retirement, 818 00:37:08,548 --> 00:37:10,173 college tuition, divorce. 819 00:37:10,173 --> 00:37:12,382 He's taking prescription pills with a side effect 820 00:37:12,382 --> 00:37:13,632 of explosive diarrhea. 821 00:37:13,632 --> 00:37:16,423 That's a dangerous line to walk every day of your life. 822 00:37:16,423 --> 00:37:17,423 He's punching you, 823 00:37:17,423 --> 00:37:20,090 "I'm not good enough to be Amazon Prime?" 824 00:37:20,090 --> 00:37:23,340 Nothing to do with you. Nothing. 825 00:37:25,548 --> 00:37:30,257 Well, these are some honest-to-goodness true, absolute lessons 826 00:37:30,257 --> 00:37:32,257 I want to instill upon my children. 827 00:37:32,257 --> 00:37:35,173 I want to tell them, live by the golden rule. 828 00:37:35,173 --> 00:37:35,923 Treat others as you'd want to be treated. 829 00:37:35,923 --> 00:37:37,298 There is no joke there. 830 00:37:37,298 --> 00:37:41,090 I tell them, always tell the truth, be honest. 831 00:37:41,090 --> 00:37:42,923 Lies fester, they beget lies, 832 00:37:42,923 --> 00:37:44,257 you gotta keep track of the web of lies. 833 00:37:44,257 --> 00:37:47,965 It's never worth it. Tell the truth, be honest. 834 00:37:47,965 --> 00:37:52,257 Unless it's the beginning of a relationship. 835 00:37:52,257 --> 00:37:54,632 The first two months in any relationship, 836 00:37:54,632 --> 00:37:57,048 you're allowed to lie. And I'll tell you why, okay? 837 00:37:57,048 --> 00:37:59,131 My wife and I recently, we were going to Las Vegas. 838 00:37:59,131 --> 00:38:01,923 There's a young couple at the gate all over each other, 839 00:38:01,923 --> 00:38:02,632 so you know it's not gonna work out. 840 00:38:02,632 --> 00:38:05,090 And, uh... 841 00:38:05,090 --> 00:38:07,131 the guy gets up, he goes, "Baby, baby, I gotta get 842 00:38:07,131 --> 00:38:08,632 "my shoes shined, so I'll be back in a few minutes, 843 00:38:08,632 --> 00:38:09,923 but it will be a few minutes." She goes, "It's okay." 844 00:38:09,923 --> 00:38:12,090 And he walks away, he goes, "Oh, shoot, you know something? 845 00:38:12,090 --> 00:38:13,423 "I'm gonna get a sandwich too to eat, 846 00:38:13,423 --> 00:38:14,507 "so shoeshine, sandwich, I'll be back. 847 00:38:14,507 --> 00:38:16,965 Text me if you want something to eat too, okay?" 848 00:38:16,965 --> 00:38:18,006 She goes, "Great." He walks away. 849 00:38:18,006 --> 00:38:20,048 "Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry. I gotta get a magazine 850 00:38:20,048 --> 00:38:21,382 "to read on the plane too, so shoeshine, 851 00:38:21,382 --> 00:38:22,423 "sandwich, magazine. Text me, I'll get it. 852 00:38:22,423 --> 00:38:25,590 It's gonna be a few." She goes, "It's fine." 853 00:38:25,590 --> 00:38:27,090 I go, "He's gotta take a shit." 854 00:38:27,090 --> 00:38:28,965 My wife hits me and goes, "Will you shut up?" 855 00:38:28,965 --> 00:38:29,923 I'm like, "He's gotta take a shit. 856 00:38:29,923 --> 00:38:32,340 Just say you gotta take a shit, dude!" 857 00:38:32,340 --> 00:38:35,965 But you can't say "I've gotta take a shit" 858 00:38:35,965 --> 00:38:39,048 five weeks into a fresh relationship. 859 00:38:39,048 --> 00:38:40,965 You can't be honest. You can't tell the truth. 860 00:38:40,965 --> 00:38:41,965 You can't be the guy that's like, 861 00:38:41,965 --> 00:38:44,715 "Baby, baby, baby! We did it up last night-- 862 00:38:44,715 --> 00:38:46,340 "Jäger, Patrón, Fireball, back to Jäger. 863 00:38:46,340 --> 00:38:48,799 "Then all those Stellas and Blue Moons. 864 00:38:48,799 --> 00:38:49,632 "Then you took me to Denny's. 865 00:38:49,632 --> 00:38:51,131 "I got those spicy buffalo tenders, 866 00:38:51,131 --> 00:38:53,131 "a French onion soup, a flapjack, 867 00:38:53,131 --> 00:38:55,257 "three sausage links, and five orange juices. 868 00:38:55,257 --> 00:38:57,173 "I gotta tell ya, I got a timebomb brewing 869 00:38:57,173 --> 00:38:59,006 "in this tum-tum right now, okay? 870 00:38:59,006 --> 00:39:00,923 "So, what Daddy's gotta do, 871 00:39:00,923 --> 00:39:02,298 "I've got to Macarena over that restroom 872 00:39:02,298 --> 00:39:04,674 "and rock a deuce. 'Cause if I get 30,000 up 873 00:39:04,674 --> 00:39:06,965 "in that bird, whatever I do in the back of that bird, 874 00:39:06,965 --> 00:39:09,298 it could be considered an act of terrorism." 875 00:39:17,340 --> 00:39:19,382 I've got to tell you, you guys really 876 00:39:19,382 --> 00:39:21,840 get behind a good shit joke. 877 00:39:21,840 --> 00:39:23,298 Thank you. 878 00:39:25,507 --> 00:39:26,131 (chuckles) 879 00:39:26,131 --> 00:39:28,674 I want to tell my kids, 880 00:39:28,674 --> 00:39:32,923 "Don't go through life being www.akumenang.com 881 00:39:32,923 --> 00:39:35,340 www.akumenang.com 882 00:39:35,340 --> 00:39:36,965 And I'll tell everybody in this room right now, 883 00:39:36,965 --> 00:39:38,423 www.akumenang.com 884 00:39:38,423 --> 00:39:39,881 I'm not gonna sugarcoat it and pretend I'm not. 885 00:39:39,881 --> 00:39:40,840 www.akumenang.com 886 00:39:40,840 --> 00:39:42,257 And it's not racial. Not racial at all. 887 00:39:42,257 --> 00:39:44,465 I'll give you an example, okay? 888 00:39:44,465 --> 00:39:46,548 If I drive in the left lane of a highway 889 00:39:46,548 --> 00:39:50,006 and you ride my ass in the left lane of that highway, 890 00:39:50,006 --> 00:39:52,298 my actions are now gonna become dependent 891 00:39:52,298 --> 00:39:55,298 upon your make and model. I will prejudge you. 892 00:39:56,423 --> 00:39:59,340 If you ride my ass in the left lane of a highway 893 00:39:59,340 --> 00:40:02,507 in a Honda Civic-- a Honda Civic-- 894 00:40:02,507 --> 00:40:06,923 you can go fuck yourself in your Honda Civic. 895 00:40:06,923 --> 00:40:09,048 You have not worked hard enough in life 896 00:40:09,048 --> 00:40:10,048 for me to be an inconvenience to you 897 00:40:10,048 --> 00:40:12,757 in a goddamned Civic. 898 00:40:12,757 --> 00:40:14,048 Oh, now you're in a hurry to get shit done? 899 00:40:14,048 --> 00:40:16,507 Now you've got priorities? 900 00:40:16,507 --> 00:40:18,590 No, no, no, no, no. 901 00:40:18,590 --> 00:40:20,548 What average event do you have to get to 902 00:40:20,548 --> 00:40:22,632 in an average car that quickly in a Civic? 903 00:40:22,632 --> 00:40:26,131 Stay in line, asshole. No one's missing you. 904 00:40:33,257 --> 00:40:36,590 You ride my ass in the left lane of a highway in a minivan? 905 00:40:36,590 --> 00:40:37,257 You shouldn't be in the left lane 906 00:40:37,257 --> 00:40:40,090 of a highway in a minivan. 907 00:40:40,090 --> 00:40:41,423 You have children in that minivan, 908 00:40:41,423 --> 00:40:43,090 and if you don't have children, 909 00:40:43,090 --> 00:40:45,257 you shouldn't have bought a minivan, you pervert. 910 00:40:47,465 --> 00:40:48,298 You ride my ass in the left lane 911 00:40:48,298 --> 00:40:51,590 of a highway in a Toyota Prius? 912 00:40:51,590 --> 00:40:55,632 (mocking voice) Well, shouldn't you be on a bicycle? 913 00:41:04,298 --> 00:41:06,298 You ride my ass in the left lane of a highway 914 00:41:06,298 --> 00:41:09,548 in a Porsche, Lamborghini, Jaguar, Ferrari... 915 00:41:09,548 --> 00:41:11,298 respect. 916 00:41:12,674 --> 00:41:13,840 Let me get out of your way 917 00:41:13,840 --> 00:41:17,465 so you can keep doing some cool shit, my friend. 918 00:41:17,465 --> 00:41:19,257 Probably in a rush to get to an orgy. 919 00:41:19,257 --> 00:41:22,173 Go fuck 'em all for me. You're my hero! 920 00:41:22,799 --> 00:41:24,590 You never use condoms! 921 00:41:28,923 --> 00:41:30,298 You ride my ass in the left lane 922 00:41:30,298 --> 00:41:31,632 of a highway in a Kia? 923 00:41:33,881 --> 00:41:35,465 A Kia? 924 00:41:35,465 --> 00:41:36,632 I am dousing you with windshield wiper fluid. 925 00:41:36,632 --> 00:41:41,465 I am pulling that bitch back and I am hosing you. 926 00:41:41,465 --> 00:41:43,215 I'm watching you in the rearview going, 927 00:41:43,215 --> 00:41:45,632 "Is it raining out?" "No. I hate you." 928 00:41:46,340 --> 00:41:47,507 You bought a car because of 929 00:41:47,507 --> 00:41:51,590 a hip-hop dancing hamster, you moron? 930 00:41:59,340 --> 00:42:00,548 You ride my ass in the left lane 931 00:42:00,548 --> 00:42:01,507 of a highway in a pickup truck? 932 00:42:01,507 --> 00:42:05,006 I'm getting the fuck off the freeway... 933 00:42:05,006 --> 00:42:06,173 because I am not waking up hog-tied 934 00:42:06,173 --> 00:42:08,799 in a wheat field next to Ken. 935 00:42:08,799 --> 00:42:09,632 Fuck that. 936 00:42:16,298 --> 00:42:17,757 As my kids get older, 937 00:42:17,757 --> 00:42:19,632 I want to tell them, "Have faith, don't have faith. 938 00:42:19,632 --> 00:42:22,298 That is entirely up to you as you get older." 939 00:42:22,298 --> 00:42:23,674 I grew up with faith. I still have faith. 940 00:42:23,674 --> 00:42:26,215 I believe, uh, it's a good way to go through life, 941 00:42:26,215 --> 00:42:27,006 being held accountable by your actions 942 00:42:27,006 --> 00:42:29,215 by a higher power. 943 00:42:29,215 --> 00:42:31,048 If I could break it down to a microcosm, 944 00:42:31,048 --> 00:42:32,757 sneeze next to somebody of faith. 945 00:42:32,757 --> 00:42:33,840 It's reassuring. 946 00:42:33,840 --> 00:42:35,257 "Ah-choo." "God bless you." 947 00:42:35,257 --> 00:42:36,590 They're saying, "Hey, don't get sick on us." 948 00:42:36,590 --> 00:42:38,090 Selfishly what they're saying is, 949 00:42:38,090 --> 00:42:40,715 "Please don't start a plague." 950 00:42:40,715 --> 00:42:44,173 But I'll take that any day over sneezing next to an atheist. 951 00:42:44,173 --> 00:42:46,507 "Ah-choo." "No one can help you." 952 00:42:50,757 --> 00:42:54,465 I want to tell my kids, "Be accepting of everybody." 953 00:42:54,465 --> 00:42:55,465 You know, uh, I think everybody has the right 954 00:42:55,465 --> 00:42:59,340 to do whatever it is that makes them happy. 955 00:42:59,340 --> 00:43:00,548 I was having a conversation 956 00:43:00,548 --> 00:43:02,173 with a friend of mine the other day, 957 00:43:02,173 --> 00:43:03,548 and the reason I think this is because 958 00:43:03,548 --> 00:43:05,548 he's of the mindset you can become gay. 959 00:43:05,548 --> 00:43:07,006 I'm of the mindset you are born gay. 960 00:43:07,006 --> 00:43:10,173 And we went back and forth, and we had this little debate. 961 00:43:10,173 --> 00:43:11,382 And then he brought up this rumor 962 00:43:11,382 --> 00:43:14,840 that back in the day, Mick Jagger banged David Bowie, 963 00:43:14,840 --> 00:43:17,590 or vice-versa, depending who you're a bigger fan of. 964 00:43:17,590 --> 00:43:19,799 You know, like, whoever's behind. 965 00:43:19,799 --> 00:43:21,507 It's up to you. It's... 966 00:43:22,757 --> 00:43:25,257 Because I totally get it. Mick Jagger's touring the world. 967 00:43:25,257 --> 00:43:26,881 He's banging "10s" after decades, 968 00:43:26,881 --> 00:43:27,881 and eventually he's like, 969 00:43:27,881 --> 00:43:29,090 "I'm tired of hot chicks. 970 00:43:29,090 --> 00:43:30,674 I'm gonna fuck a hot dude." 971 00:43:30,674 --> 00:43:34,715 I was like, "Uh, I don't get that at all." 972 00:43:34,715 --> 00:43:37,340 'Cause I'll tell you this, I love eating pizza. 973 00:43:37,340 --> 00:43:39,715 I could eat pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner 974 00:43:39,715 --> 00:43:42,382 seven days a week, 365 days a year. 975 00:43:42,382 --> 00:43:44,340 And I don't believe on day 366, 976 00:43:44,340 --> 00:43:46,757 I pick up a slice of pizza and go, 977 00:43:46,757 --> 00:43:49,298 "I cannot eat one more slice of pizza. 978 00:43:49,298 --> 00:43:52,257 It's time to fuck dudes." 979 00:43:53,048 --> 00:43:55,757 I don't see it. 980 00:43:59,507 --> 00:44:04,173 This has disappeared. It's back. 981 00:44:05,131 --> 00:44:07,382 Sit the fuck down. 982 00:44:13,215 --> 00:44:14,131 I want to tell my kids something 983 00:44:14,131 --> 00:44:15,674 my father told me when I was very young. 984 00:44:15,674 --> 00:44:17,215 My father grew up in New York City. 985 00:44:17,215 --> 00:44:18,298 He was surrounded by everybody, 986 00:44:18,298 --> 00:44:20,131 friends with everybody, still is to this day. 987 00:44:20,131 --> 00:44:22,006 And I'll always remember this. He said, "Steve, you never judge 988 00:44:22,006 --> 00:44:23,298 "the people as a whole. 989 00:44:23,298 --> 00:44:24,632 "You always judge the individual. 990 00:44:24,632 --> 00:44:26,799 That's how you go through life. That is how you make friends." 991 00:44:26,799 --> 00:44:27,548 And I'll tell my kids the same thing. 992 00:44:27,548 --> 00:44:29,548 And I'm gonna tell them this. 993 00:44:29,548 --> 00:44:30,881 "Look, this is just an example, guys. 994 00:44:30,881 --> 00:44:33,507 An example, okay?" I'm gonna tell them, 995 00:44:33,507 --> 00:44:35,507 "You can't hate all Jewish people." 996 00:44:35,507 --> 00:44:37,548 That's awful. Of course you can hate 997 00:44:37,548 --> 00:44:39,173 a Jewish person, if you have 998 00:44:39,173 --> 00:44:40,757 a bad experience with that individual. 999 00:44:40,757 --> 00:44:43,881 But it's absolutely unfair to hate all of... 1000 00:44:43,881 --> 00:44:44,840 Wall Street, the banking industry, 1001 00:44:44,840 --> 00:44:47,507 the recording industry, television, film, 1002 00:44:47,507 --> 00:44:48,715 Hollywood itself, doctors, lawyers, etc., 1003 00:44:48,715 --> 00:44:51,298 our legal system, the Federal Reserve, 1004 00:44:51,298 --> 00:44:53,173 any sports commissioner, mass media, 1005 00:44:53,173 --> 00:44:54,048 any landlord or property owner, 1006 00:44:54,048 --> 00:44:55,840 southern Connecticut, northern Jersey, 1007 00:44:55,840 --> 00:44:57,006 Upper East Side or West Side of New York City, 1008 00:44:57,006 --> 00:44:59,715 the whole state of Florida, you can't hate all that. 1009 00:45:07,757 --> 00:45:10,215 And sometimes I do that joke, and people are like, 1010 00:45:10,215 --> 00:45:11,674 "Oh, he's anti-Semitic. He hates Jews." 1011 00:45:11,674 --> 00:45:13,881 No, I don't. They have a good sense of humor. 1012 00:45:13,881 --> 00:45:15,548 And, look, I love Jews. I work with Jews. 1013 00:45:15,548 --> 00:45:17,423 My manager's Jewish, my agent's Jewish, 1014 00:45:17,423 --> 00:45:18,590 my publisher's Jewish, 1015 00:45:18,590 --> 00:45:21,215 my lawyer's Jewish. You get it. 1016 00:45:22,799 --> 00:45:25,423 Now, this is the second to last lesson 1017 00:45:25,423 --> 00:45:26,881 I want to impart upon my kids. 1018 00:45:26,881 --> 00:45:29,090 I want to tell them, "Have a bartender's year." 1019 00:45:29,090 --> 00:45:30,257 And that means you listen 1020 00:45:30,257 --> 00:45:31,340 more than you talk about yourself. 1021 00:45:31,340 --> 00:45:32,757 Hopefully, that'll get you some great friends. 1022 00:45:32,757 --> 00:45:34,923 Hopefully, that'll get you this friend, 1023 00:45:34,923 --> 00:45:36,674 because I believe this is the best friend 1024 00:45:36,674 --> 00:45:37,423 you can have when you're growing up. 1025 00:45:37,423 --> 00:45:38,715 Not only that, I believe 1026 00:45:38,715 --> 00:45:41,715 this is the greatest human being in our country. 1027 00:45:41,715 --> 00:45:43,674 I'll tell you who it is right now-- 1028 00:45:43,674 --> 00:45:46,048 fat white girls. 1029 00:45:46,048 --> 00:45:48,382 Fat... white... girls. 1030 00:45:48,382 --> 00:45:49,881 And I know this P.C. climate we live in, 1031 00:45:49,881 --> 00:45:51,715 where everybody's a victim, and somebody in this room 1032 00:45:51,715 --> 00:45:53,548 right now is going, "Oh, he's being mean! 1033 00:45:53,548 --> 00:45:55,715 He's being cruel." No, I'm not. 1034 00:45:55,715 --> 00:45:58,131 I'm being celebratory. I'm going on the books, 1035 00:45:58,131 --> 00:46:00,715 on record, and letting everybody in this room know right now: 1036 00:46:00,715 --> 00:46:03,632 I love 'em fat. I love 'em white. 1037 00:46:03,632 --> 00:46:06,881 And you'd best believe, I love 'em girls. 1038 00:46:11,715 --> 00:46:14,131 Fat white girls are awesome! 1039 00:46:14,131 --> 00:46:17,257 Fat white girls are at the forefront of civil rights. 1040 00:46:17,257 --> 00:46:18,757 Whatever fat white girls do, 1041 00:46:18,757 --> 00:46:20,423 it takes the rest of the country 1042 00:46:20,423 --> 00:46:22,382 a few years to catch up to them. 1043 00:46:23,340 --> 00:46:25,757 Which sounds ironic. I'll give you that. 1044 00:46:29,298 --> 00:46:30,715 (taps mic) 1045 00:46:32,757 --> 00:46:35,881 Let's all be honest... honest with each other. 1046 00:46:35,881 --> 00:46:39,131 20 years ago, 20 years ago, nobody's fuckin' black guys. 1047 00:46:39,131 --> 00:46:42,507 20 years ago, nobody's fucking black guys publicly. 1048 00:46:42,507 --> 00:46:44,131 But 20 years ago, 1049 00:46:44,131 --> 00:46:45,715 who's parading around downtown 1050 00:46:45,715 --> 00:46:48,090 with a care in the world, fuckin' a black guy? 1051 00:46:48,090 --> 00:46:50,840 A fat white girl. 1052 00:46:50,840 --> 00:46:54,382 Flash forward to today, who's fucking black guys? 1053 00:46:54,382 --> 00:46:57,173 Everybody's fucking black guys! 1054 00:46:57,173 --> 00:47:00,382 Well, thank you, fat white girls. 1055 00:47:01,632 --> 00:47:03,799 10 years ago, you're a little gay boy. 1056 00:47:03,799 --> 00:47:05,507 You want your tongue pierced at Claire's. 1057 00:47:05,507 --> 00:47:06,674 Well, you can't go with the football team. 1058 00:47:06,674 --> 00:47:08,507 Well, who's gonna take your little gay ass to the mall? 1059 00:47:08,507 --> 00:47:09,757 I guess your first friend 1060 00:47:09,757 --> 00:47:13,507 from junior high school, fat white girl! 1061 00:47:14,757 --> 00:47:17,131 Flash forward to today, who's got a gay friend? 1062 00:47:17,131 --> 00:47:18,757 Everybody loves the gays! 1063 00:47:18,757 --> 00:47:22,340 Well, thank you, fat white girls! 1064 00:47:23,423 --> 00:47:24,715 Fat white girls, great work! 1065 00:47:24,715 --> 00:47:26,215 But, you have a new mission, 1066 00:47:26,215 --> 00:47:29,340 and it starts this evening, effective immediately-- 1067 00:47:29,340 --> 00:47:31,632 start fucking Asian guys. 1068 00:47:44,340 --> 00:47:45,382 Turn around so they can see. 1069 00:47:45,382 --> 00:47:48,090 Yep, come on. 1070 00:47:48,090 --> 00:47:49,382 (laughter and applause) 1071 00:47:49,382 --> 00:47:52,757 That's an Asian. 1072 00:47:53,674 --> 00:47:54,965 If I told everybody in this room, 1073 00:47:54,965 --> 00:47:56,757 "Shut your eyes and imagine an Asian," 1074 00:47:56,757 --> 00:47:57,881 that is literally what you would picture, right there. 1075 00:48:00,757 --> 00:48:02,881 Now, after the show, you get yourself to a Lane Bryant. 1076 00:48:04,465 --> 00:48:07,090 Or a Torrid. 1077 00:48:08,173 --> 00:48:10,799 Beat it. 1078 00:48:12,715 --> 00:48:16,382 All right, let's... (chuckling) 1079 00:48:16,382 --> 00:48:19,507 Let's... let's switch gears here 1080 00:48:19,507 --> 00:48:21,548 and change the subject. 1081 00:48:21,548 --> 00:48:23,215 And I will say, the last lesson for last. 1082 00:48:23,215 --> 00:48:24,757 Um... (sighing) 1083 00:48:24,757 --> 00:48:28,757 let me tell you something: at my age, eating McDonald's 1084 00:48:28,757 --> 00:48:31,090 is a much different experience than when I was younger. 1085 00:48:31,090 --> 00:48:32,048 By the way, any time I bring up McDonald's, 1086 00:48:32,048 --> 00:48:34,048 people are like, "Oh, McDonald's is gross. 1087 00:48:34,048 --> 00:48:36,507 McDonald's is disgusting." Whoa, whoa, whoa. 1088 00:48:36,507 --> 00:48:40,131 You go to hell. McDonald's is America, okay? 1089 00:48:40,131 --> 00:48:41,548 McDonald's is my childhood. 1090 00:48:41,548 --> 00:48:43,090 I am Pavlov's dog to McDonald's. People are like, 1091 00:48:43,090 --> 00:48:45,923 "It's-- You know, the nuggets, it's pink slime." 1092 00:48:45,923 --> 00:48:48,548 Well, you know, I'll dip it in barbecue sauce next. 1093 00:48:49,757 --> 00:48:52,006 McDonald's, you've got a long way to go 1094 00:48:52,006 --> 00:48:54,715 to disgust me before I stop comin' to you. 1095 00:48:54,715 --> 00:48:57,548 McDonald's could be like, "And now, we deep fry cat shit!" 1096 00:48:57,548 --> 00:49:00,674 Put it in a box, give me a toy, we've got a deal! 1097 00:49:02,465 --> 00:49:04,757 I love McDonald's. 1098 00:49:04,757 --> 00:49:06,923 And McDonald's, at my age, 1099 00:49:06,923 --> 00:49:09,757 is the closest I'll come to cheating on my wife. 1100 00:49:10,757 --> 00:49:12,423 It is the same three emotions: 1101 00:49:12,423 --> 00:49:16,423 desire, pleasure, guilt. 1102 00:49:17,507 --> 00:49:18,965 All... within 12 minutes. 1103 00:49:22,257 --> 00:49:23,298 I'll be driving, 1104 00:49:23,298 --> 00:49:23,881 minding my own business, right? 1105 00:49:23,881 --> 00:49:24,590 I see those arches. 1106 00:49:24,590 --> 00:49:29,881 "Oh, shit! Ooh! 1107 00:49:29,881 --> 00:49:32,799 "You look good. You look good. 1108 00:49:32,799 --> 00:49:34,090 "I want you. I want you so bad. 1109 00:49:36,382 --> 00:49:38,590 I want you inside of me." 1110 00:49:39,465 --> 00:49:40,799 (exhales sharply) 1111 00:49:40,799 --> 00:49:42,006 "But, I'm being good, I'm being good 1112 00:49:42,006 --> 00:49:43,548 "Go home. Go home to your family. 1113 00:49:43,548 --> 00:49:44,715 "Go home to your family now. 1114 00:49:44,715 --> 00:49:46,340 "Don't ruin this. Do not... 1115 00:49:46,340 --> 00:49:48,799 "You deserve it. 1116 00:49:48,799 --> 00:49:50,215 "You deserve this. You work hard. 1117 00:49:50,215 --> 00:49:51,632 "You should treat yourself. 1118 00:49:51,632 --> 00:49:52,632 You're a big boy. Big boys treat themsel--" 1119 00:49:52,632 --> 00:49:53,965 They're honking, it's green. 1120 00:49:53,965 --> 00:49:55,715 "The hell with this. It's the right call. 1121 00:49:55,715 --> 00:49:56,674 "You're gonna feel so much better. This is-- 1122 00:49:56,674 --> 00:50:00,507 Absolutely not! I'm goin' in, fuck it!" 1123 00:50:00,507 --> 00:50:01,548 Go in, I pop open that door. 1124 00:50:01,548 --> 00:50:03,965 The waft of grease hits you. "Welcome home!" 1125 00:50:03,965 --> 00:50:07,006 Peppery burger, salty fries, sugary soft drink. 1126 00:50:07,006 --> 00:50:08,840 Give me a sundae, douse it in peanuts 1127 00:50:08,840 --> 00:50:11,799 and gave me an apple pie. "Oh, fuck, I'm lovin' it!" 1128 00:50:15,173 --> 00:50:18,131 (McDonald's jingle theme) ♪ Ba-da-ba-ba-baa ♪ 1129 00:50:21,048 --> 00:50:23,923 12 minutes later, I'm in my car by myself 1130 00:50:23,923 --> 00:50:26,215 pinching my side fat. "You fat fuck! 1131 00:50:27,548 --> 00:50:30,298 "You fat piece of shit. 1132 00:50:30,298 --> 00:50:31,590 "You keep eating like this, 1133 00:50:31,590 --> 00:50:33,757 you're gonna fit in your wife's pants." 1134 00:50:37,548 --> 00:50:41,131 She ain't here. She ain't here. 1135 00:50:45,674 --> 00:50:48,632 Don't tweet that shit out. 1136 00:50:48,632 --> 00:50:49,632 Don't let her know I do that. No. 1137 00:50:49,632 --> 00:50:52,090 I want to tell you all, 1138 00:50:52,090 --> 00:50:53,548 I actually ran that joke by my wife. 1139 00:50:53,548 --> 00:50:55,881 Because I love her, 1140 00:50:55,881 --> 00:50:57,881 I will not make a fool out of her publicly, 1141 00:50:57,881 --> 00:51:01,048 and, I watch a lot of "Dateline", all right? 1142 00:51:01,048 --> 00:51:03,215 I'm not waking up at 3:00 in the morning 1143 00:51:03,215 --> 00:51:04,048 with her shoving her shorts in my mouth like, 1144 00:51:04,048 --> 00:51:06,548 "Is it funny now, you motherfucker?" 1145 00:51:06,548 --> 00:51:08,674 (imitating stabbing) 1146 00:51:12,423 --> 00:51:16,048 This is the actual conversation I had with her, okay? 1147 00:51:16,048 --> 00:51:17,674 I go, "Look, I got to run a joke by you, 1148 00:51:17,674 --> 00:51:18,507 and see if you're okay with it." 1149 00:51:18,507 --> 00:51:20,215 She goes, "Okay, tell me the joke." 1150 00:51:20,215 --> 00:51:21,715 I tell her the joke, I go, "What do you think?" 1151 00:51:21,715 --> 00:51:24,048 She goes, "Well..." 1152 00:51:24,048 --> 00:51:26,090 And I was like, "Do you like driving the Lexus?" 1153 00:51:26,090 --> 00:51:29,048 She goes, "Tell the goddamn joke, Steve." 1154 00:51:38,423 --> 00:51:42,715 I'll tell you this... it took me four decades on this planet 1155 00:51:42,715 --> 00:51:44,757 to realize what a woman means when she says, 1156 00:51:44,757 --> 00:51:45,757 "I have nothing to wear tonight." 1157 00:51:45,757 --> 00:51:47,131 I could never relate to that. 1158 00:51:47,131 --> 00:51:49,257 "I have nothing to wear tonight," you know? 1159 00:51:49,257 --> 00:51:51,131 My wife, she'll walk out of her closet. 1160 00:51:51,131 --> 00:51:54,965 Her closet, not ours. Not mine. 1161 00:51:54,965 --> 00:51:57,590 I get a dresser. Okay? 1162 00:51:57,590 --> 00:51:58,715 She walks in her closet. 1163 00:51:58,715 --> 00:52:03,090 "No. No. Pfft. Nope. No. 1164 00:52:03,715 --> 00:52:06,881 "No. I got nothin'! 1165 00:52:06,881 --> 00:52:07,507 I have got nothing to wear tonight." 1166 00:52:07,507 --> 00:52:09,923 "Yeah, me either, 1167 00:52:09,923 --> 00:52:11,298 "'cause my good shit's on the bottom drawer, 1168 00:52:11,298 --> 00:52:13,715 and it won't open 'cause it's from Ikea." 1169 00:52:18,923 --> 00:52:20,840 Got nothing to wear tonight. 1170 00:52:20,840 --> 00:52:21,799 I never knew what that meant till the other day. 1171 00:52:21,799 --> 00:52:22,965 I was sitting at home, 1172 00:52:22,965 --> 00:52:25,090 flipping through my high-def channels. 1173 00:52:25,090 --> 00:52:27,090 Action, sci-fis, thrillers, dramas, 1174 00:52:27,090 --> 00:52:28,965 documentaries, romance, Westerns. 1175 00:52:28,965 --> 00:52:31,382 Apple TV, what have we got on iTunes? 1176 00:52:31,382 --> 00:52:33,799 We've got Scorsese collection, Spielberg collection, 1177 00:52:33,799 --> 00:52:35,298 Hitchcock collection, all the Star Wars, 1178 00:52:35,298 --> 00:52:37,090 all the Star Treks, all the Harry Potters, 1179 00:52:37,090 --> 00:52:38,965 all the Fast and Furious, all the Jurassic Parks, 1180 00:52:38,965 --> 00:52:40,799 all the Indiana Jones, all the X-Mens, 1181 00:52:40,799 --> 00:52:41,757 all the Batmans, all the Supermans, 1182 00:52:41,757 --> 00:52:42,965 all the Avengers, all the Captain Americas, 1183 00:52:42,965 --> 00:52:45,799 Thors, Iron Mans, Hulks, all the... 1184 00:52:45,799 --> 00:52:47,965 There's nothing to watch. 1185 00:52:49,590 --> 00:52:52,799 (exhales sharply) 1186 00:52:59,215 --> 00:53:00,757 (sighs) 1187 00:53:00,757 --> 00:53:02,965 I'm not exercising. 1188 00:53:04,674 --> 00:53:06,340 See everybody outside? They're all in the backyard. 1189 00:53:06,340 --> 00:53:07,674 They're playing, the're having fun, right? 1190 00:53:07,674 --> 00:53:10,131 I'm gonna jerk off. 1191 00:53:10,131 --> 00:53:11,548 Let's see on this laptop, what have we got here? 1192 00:53:11,548 --> 00:53:14,340 Amateur, anal, blonde, brunette, redhead, cum shot, 1193 00:53:14,340 --> 00:53:17,131 glasses, cougar, granny, MILF, cheerleader, teen, 1194 00:53:17,131 --> 00:53:19,257 interracial-- just say black, who are we kidding? 1195 00:53:22,881 --> 00:53:26,090 Saw it. Saw it, saw it, seen it, seen it, saw it. 1196 00:53:27,006 --> 00:53:28,840 Saw it, saw it, seen it, saw it, saw it. 1197 00:53:28,840 --> 00:53:31,090 Saw it, saw it, saw it, saw it, saw it, saw it... 1198 00:53:39,840 --> 00:53:41,340 There's nothing to jerk off to? 1199 00:53:44,382 --> 00:53:48,006 (disappointed) Guess I'll spend time with my family. 1200 00:53:52,590 --> 00:53:55,006 Sp... Speaking of porn... 1201 00:53:55,923 --> 00:53:57,048 I love when people are like, 1202 00:53:57,048 --> 00:53:59,590 "There's such bad acting in porn." 1203 00:53:59,590 --> 00:54:02,674 Yeah. It's porn! 1204 00:54:02,674 --> 00:54:04,006 But it's always women 1205 00:54:04,006 --> 00:54:05,048 that are the bad actors in porn, always girls. 1206 00:54:05,048 --> 00:54:09,840 "Oh, my God, that is a monster cock! 1207 00:54:09,840 --> 00:54:12,548 "Gimme that big dick! 1208 00:54:12,548 --> 00:54:14,757 "Harder, faster, faster, harder! 1209 00:54:14,757 --> 00:54:15,632 "Oh, my God, I'm gonna come. 1210 00:54:15,632 --> 00:54:17,257 "Oh, my God, I'm fuckin' coming. 1211 00:54:17,257 --> 00:54:22,006 Oh, my God, I'm fucking coming!" 1212 00:54:22,840 --> 00:54:25,173 (man) - Whoo! 1213 00:54:27,090 --> 00:54:29,298 - That... is some bad acting, guys. 1214 00:54:31,257 --> 00:54:33,257 Let me tell you this right now. 1215 00:54:33,257 --> 00:54:36,215 Anything you hear from a man in a porn, 1216 00:54:36,215 --> 00:54:38,215 he's being extremely honest. 1217 00:54:38,215 --> 00:54:40,215 "Oh, my God, this feels so good." 1218 00:54:40,215 --> 00:54:44,006 Guess what? It probably feels pretty good. 1219 00:54:44,923 --> 00:54:46,298 "Oh, I want to put it in your asshole." 1220 00:54:46,298 --> 00:54:48,090 Knock, knock. "Who's there?" 1221 00:54:48,090 --> 00:54:51,799 He's about to put it in your asshole, that guy. 1222 00:54:51,799 --> 00:54:52,923 "I'm gonna fuckin' come!" 1223 00:54:52,923 --> 00:54:54,215 Get ready, he's coming. 1224 00:54:56,006 --> 00:54:57,298 He ain't bluffing. 1225 00:54:57,298 --> 00:54:58,965 You never see in a porn, "I'm gonna come, 1226 00:54:58,965 --> 00:55:01,382 "I'm gonna come, I'm gonna... 1227 00:55:01,382 --> 00:55:02,340 Oh, false alarm. Sorry, guys." 1228 00:55:11,215 --> 00:55:13,173 Men always tell the truth in porn. 1229 00:55:13,173 --> 00:55:13,632 "Tell me your PIN number." 1230 00:55:13,632 --> 00:55:16,881 "4-5-8-6." 1231 00:55:18,423 --> 00:55:20,131 Men don't lie in porn. That's why, I assure you, 1232 00:55:20,131 --> 00:55:22,965 you never heard a man say this a porn: 1233 00:55:22,965 --> 00:55:24,548 "I love you." 1234 00:55:24,548 --> 00:55:26,507 (audience) - Aww. 1235 00:55:26,507 --> 00:55:30,090 - Aww. Aww? Aww? 1236 00:55:30,090 --> 00:55:32,799 Who would 'Aww' that joke? "Aww. 1237 00:55:32,799 --> 00:55:36,965 "Aww, that poor girl. 1238 00:55:36,965 --> 00:55:39,507 "She deserves somebody, right? 1239 00:55:39,507 --> 00:55:40,465 "Aww. 1240 00:55:40,465 --> 00:55:43,131 "Aww, that girl that just treated her body 1241 00:55:43,131 --> 00:55:44,965 like a circus clown car, aww." 1242 00:55:44,965 --> 00:55:48,507 What? That girl? 1243 00:55:52,590 --> 00:55:53,965 This girl? 1244 00:56:08,674 --> 00:56:10,298 "Will you love me?" 1245 00:56:22,507 --> 00:56:24,215 "Will you love me?" 1246 00:56:29,048 --> 00:56:31,298 "Will you love me?" 1247 00:56:34,215 --> 00:56:37,298 (muffled) "Will you love me?" 1248 00:56:38,048 --> 00:56:39,923 That girl? 1249 00:56:41,548 --> 00:56:42,340 That girl? 1250 00:56:46,382 --> 00:56:50,881 My fear is, this being taped and all... 1251 00:56:52,382 --> 00:56:55,298 years from now, my daughter will be at 1252 00:56:55,298 --> 00:56:59,048 a junior high school-- junior high school lunch table, 1253 00:56:59,048 --> 00:57:00,340 or on an iPad or a tablet 1254 00:57:00,340 --> 00:57:02,590 with a bunch of her girlfriends, 1255 00:57:02,590 --> 00:57:03,465 and there will be a GIF 1256 00:57:03,465 --> 00:57:04,465 or a video of me on a loop just... 1257 00:57:19,257 --> 00:57:20,757 And her friends will be like, 1258 00:57:20,757 --> 00:57:22,465 "I think that's your dad. Is that your dad?" 1259 00:57:22,465 --> 00:57:25,382 "Oh, in that video? Yeah, that's my dad." 1260 00:57:26,465 --> 00:57:28,715 "What's he doing?" "In that video? 1261 00:57:28,715 --> 00:57:31,173 "He's getting butt-fucked... 1262 00:57:31,173 --> 00:57:32,674 "and he's jerking off like 18 guys 1263 00:57:32,674 --> 00:57:35,757 "and blowing dudes, but he's working! 1264 00:57:35,757 --> 00:57:37,632 He's at work." 1265 00:57:37,632 --> 00:57:39,382 Good. Good job, Steve. 1266 00:57:41,173 --> 00:57:44,298 That parlays us into the last lesson 1267 00:57:44,298 --> 00:57:47,840 I want to impart upon my children. 1268 00:57:47,840 --> 00:57:50,382 And I'm gonna bring Jamiah out to help me with this. 1269 00:57:50,382 --> 00:57:52,257 How about one more time for Jamiah, everybody? 1270 00:57:52,257 --> 00:57:55,382 (cheers and applause) 1271 00:57:56,298 --> 00:57:58,674 What's up, buddy? Thank you so much. 1272 00:57:58,674 --> 00:58:00,923 Chicago's own. How 'bout it for him, everybody? 1273 00:58:00,923 --> 00:58:03,632 (cheers and applause) 1274 00:58:04,257 --> 00:58:06,507 Wanna come on out here? 1275 00:58:06,507 --> 00:58:08,632 As you set up, I'll let them know. 1276 00:58:08,632 --> 00:58:10,799 This is the last lesson I want to tell my kids. 1277 00:58:10,799 --> 00:58:13,465 As I've gotten older, and now, being a father, 1278 00:58:13,465 --> 00:58:15,632 I definitely want to do a good enough job, 1279 00:58:15,632 --> 00:58:19,465 along with my wife, to one day think we could look 1280 00:58:19,465 --> 00:58:22,173 at our kids and... (chuckles, chokes up) 1281 00:58:25,799 --> 00:58:26,840 (softly) Sorry. 1282 00:58:26,840 --> 00:58:27,590 (audience) - Aww. 1283 00:58:27,590 --> 00:58:30,257 - Don't, don't, don't. Don't. 1284 00:58:30,257 --> 00:58:32,923 Two seconds ago, it was... 1285 00:58:32,923 --> 00:58:34,590 It's... 1286 00:58:36,006 --> 00:58:37,715 ♪♪ 1287 00:58:42,298 --> 00:58:43,507 I want to do a good enough job 1288 00:58:43,507 --> 00:58:45,006 that we can look at our kids and say, 1289 00:58:45,006 --> 00:58:47,340 "I'm proud of them." 1290 00:58:47,340 --> 00:58:48,674 But, I think that should be reciprocal. 1291 00:58:48,674 --> 00:58:50,382 I think, at some point, you should be doing 1292 00:58:50,382 --> 00:58:52,840 a good enough job that your kids 1293 00:58:52,840 --> 00:58:54,006 are proud of you in turn. 1294 00:58:54,006 --> 00:58:58,090 And, if that's to happen, I think your kids need to know 1295 00:58:58,090 --> 00:58:59,674 the character of their parents. 1296 00:58:59,674 --> 00:59:03,215 So, speakin' for me, just simply put... 1297 00:59:05,423 --> 00:59:06,507 ♪♪ 1298 00:59:06,507 --> 00:59:10,548 I would let my kids know, I am Steve Byrne. 1299 00:59:10,548 --> 00:59:14,382 (chuckles) I am Korean and Irish. 1300 00:59:14,382 --> 00:59:17,173 I am a boxer brief size medium. 1301 00:59:20,965 --> 00:59:23,131 I am revolution. I am civil. 1302 00:59:23,131 --> 00:59:24,548 I am July 4th. 1303 00:59:24,548 --> 00:59:26,423 I am December 7th. I am September 11th. 1304 00:59:26,423 --> 00:59:29,257 I am slavery, I'm emancipation. 1305 00:59:29,257 --> 00:59:31,965 I'm cotton and tobacco. 1306 00:59:31,965 --> 00:59:33,548 I'm McDonald's and Starbucks. 1307 00:59:33,548 --> 00:59:36,215 I'm Harriet Tubman, I'm Cesar Chavez. 1308 00:59:36,215 --> 00:59:39,048 I'm Edison and Ford, I'm Gates and Jobs. 1309 00:59:39,048 --> 00:59:40,548 I'm Elvis. I'm Hendrix. 1310 00:59:40,548 --> 00:59:43,006 I'm Dean Martin. I am Bruce Lee. 1311 00:59:43,006 --> 00:59:44,674 I'm on a train, I'm on a plane. 1312 00:59:44,674 --> 00:59:46,507 I'm on the moon. I'm surfing the web. 1313 00:59:46,507 --> 00:59:51,257 I'm uptown, I'm downtown, and I am Motown. 1314 00:59:51,257 --> 00:59:52,298 I'm a blue state, I'm a red state. 1315 00:59:52,298 --> 00:59:55,507 I am gay. I am straight. 1316 00:59:55,507 --> 00:59:59,757 I'm a Jew, I'm a Muslim, I'm a Christian. 1317 00:59:59,757 --> 01:00:00,715 I am black, I am white. 1318 01:00:00,715 --> 01:00:03,090 I am brown, I am Latin, I am Asian. 1319 01:00:03,090 --> 01:00:05,590 I am the founding fathers. I am the Greatest Generation. 1320 01:00:05,590 --> 01:00:08,215 I'm Generation X, and I'm the Millenials. 1321 01:00:08,215 --> 01:00:09,382 I'm all these things because all these things 1322 01:00:09,382 --> 01:00:12,340 are America, and I am an American, 1323 01:00:12,340 --> 01:00:13,799 and I am proud to be an American. 1324 01:00:13,799 --> 01:00:16,257 And I hope one day my children will be too. 1325 01:00:16,257 --> 01:00:18,257 And with that, I will say thank you! 1326 01:00:18,257 --> 01:00:20,382 (cheers and applause) Good night! 1327 01:00:22,257 --> 01:00:23,548 (cheers and applause continues) 1328 01:00:26,674 --> 01:00:29,090 ♪♪ 1329 01:01:16,507 --> 01:01:21,257 (cheers and applause continues) 1330 01:01:30,465 --> 01:01:31,423 (indistinct announcer) 1331 01:01:31,423 --> 01:01:33,257 How do you feel? - Fine. 1332 01:01:33,257 --> 01:01:35,090 - Yeah? You got this? You ready? 1333 01:01:35,090 --> 01:01:36,257 - Yeah. - You excited? 1334 01:01:36,257 --> 01:01:38,507 - Yeah. - Have fun, okay? 1335 01:01:38,507 --> 01:01:40,881 (muffled cheering and applause) Have fun.