1 00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:46,120 Live from Quahog, Rhode Island, this is Channel Five Action News... 2 00:00:46,231 --> 00:00:48,961 ...with Tom Tucker, Diane Simmons... 3 00:00:49,067 --> 00:00:53,868 ...and Blaccu-weather meteorologist, Ollie Williams. 4 00:00:53,972 --> 00:00:56,907 - Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. - And I'm Diane Simmons. 5 00:00:57,009 --> 00:00:59,034 Could we talk about something besides yourself, Diane? 6 00:00:59,144 --> 00:01:02,136 - Excuse me? - Great. Tonight, in the news, two local men arrested... 7 00:01:02,248 --> 00:01:04,216 ...as part of an illegal steroid ring. 8 00:01:04,317 --> 00:01:06,877 These charges are false. Our muscles are the result... 9 00:01:06,986 --> 00:01:10,353 ...of hundreds of squat-thrusts and somersaults down on the hard ground. 10 00:01:10,456 --> 00:01:14,950 Stop pushing! Save your roughneck tactics for Sacco and Vanzetti. 11 00:01:20,166 --> 00:01:22,498 Hup! Hup-ho! Hup! 12 00:01:22,602 --> 00:01:24,968 Meanwhile, authorities acting on a tip... 13 00:01:25,071 --> 00:01:27,835 ...searched the marshlands near the Fox Point hurricane barrier... 14 00:01:27,941 --> 00:01:30,136 ...for what they believed to be the remains... 15 00:01:30,243 --> 00:01:32,211 ...of reputed mobster "Big Fat" Pauly. 16 00:01:32,312 --> 00:01:35,475 The authorities were disappointed to find not the remains of"Big Fat" Pauly... 17 00:01:35,582 --> 00:01:38,983 ...but, instead, The Remains of the Day, a boring Merchant-Ivory film... 18 00:01:39,085 --> 00:01:42,748 - Starring Sir Anthony Hopkins. - Hmm. Funny how they could've confused that. 19 00:01:42,855 --> 00:01:46,451 Coming up, why your next trip to the salad bar could be your last. 20 00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:49,256 But first, we go live to the Quahog Performing Arts Center... 21 00:01:49,363 --> 00:01:52,594 ...where Asian correspondent, Tricia Takanawa is down at the red carpet. 22 00:01:54,702 --> 00:01:58,798 Tom, tonight the stars are out... 23 00:01:58,906 --> 00:02:02,364 ...for a special sneak preview of a straight-to-DVD feature... 24 00:02:02,476 --> 00:02:06,412 ...that will soon be in the $3.99 bin at your local car wash. 25 00:02:06,513 --> 00:02:09,209 Here comes Mayor Adam West, himself. 26 00:02:09,316 --> 00:02:12,774 Mr. West, do you have any words for our viewers? 27 00:02:12,886 --> 00:02:17,516 Box, toaster, aluminum, maple syrup- No, I take that one back. 28 00:02:17,625 --> 00:02:20,753 - I'm gonna hold on to that one. - Thank you, Mayor West. 29 00:02:20,861 --> 00:02:26,060 Oh, and if I'm not mistaken, it's local folk legend and ward of the state... 30 00:02:26,166 --> 00:02:29,295 Quahog's own Greased-up Deaf Guy. 31 00:02:29,404 --> 00:02:33,306 Don't judge me! I'm just doin' my thing! See you in the theater. 32 00:02:33,408 --> 00:02:35,808 - Evil, over here! - Hey, Evil Monkey! 33 00:02:40,315 --> 00:02:44,012 And here come two popular Family Guy guest stars... 34 00:02:44,119 --> 00:02:46,451 Drew Barrymore and her date. 35 00:02:46,554 --> 00:02:48,988 Hey, Kool-Aid! 36 00:02:49,090 --> 00:02:51,058 - Oh, yeah! - Things going well with Drew? 37 00:02:51,159 --> 00:02:53,286 Oh, yeah! 38 00:02:53,395 --> 00:02:57,161 We have so much fun and he keeps my tongue really red. 39 00:02:57,265 --> 00:02:59,290 See? 40 00:03:01,569 --> 00:03:05,767 Hey, thank y'all for coming out. Don't forget to check out my clothing line, C.C. Brown... 41 00:03:05,874 --> 00:03:08,434 ...available at many retail outlets. 42 00:03:08,543 --> 00:03:10,739 Got y'all in here. 43 00:03:10,846 --> 00:03:15,579 And here are the stars of tonight's film, the Griffin Family. 44 00:03:15,685 --> 00:03:17,880 Whoa! What's this, a party? 45 00:03:17,987 --> 00:03:19,955 How'd you all get in my room? 46 00:03:20,056 --> 00:03:22,684 Hi, I'm Brian. 47 00:03:22,792 --> 00:03:25,420 Um, I rode backwards in the limo, so... 48 00:03:25,528 --> 00:03:28,122 ...uh, actually, my underpants were going the right way. 49 00:03:30,299 --> 00:03:32,995 - Stewie! Stewie! Good to have you back! - Good to be back. 50 00:03:33,102 --> 00:03:35,969 Especially since my brief foray into politics didn't work out. 51 00:03:43,746 --> 00:03:47,842 Ladies and Gentlemen, we got him! 52 00:03:50,853 --> 00:03:53,186 Stewie, I'm from TVGuide. How does it feel... 53 00:03:53,290 --> 00:03:55,315 ...to be the youngest working actor in Hollywood? 54 00:03:55,425 --> 00:03:58,986 Well, it feels about like seven figures a year, which feels pretty good. 55 00:03:59,096 --> 00:04:01,087 Stewie! Stewie! Hi, I'm from the L.A. Times. 56 00:04:01,198 --> 00:04:03,462 Can you tell us, are you working on any new projects? 57 00:04:03,567 --> 00:04:05,592 Well, yes. I just did an episode of According toJim. 58 00:04:05,702 --> 00:04:07,602 I'm the comic relief. 59 00:04:07,704 --> 00:04:11,299 Stewie, do you know if Fox has any plans to bring back Futurama? 60 00:04:11,408 --> 00:04:13,808 - What magazine are you from? - Entertainment Weekly. 61 00:04:16,046 --> 00:04:19,846 — La, la, la, la Family Guy — 62 00:04:19,950 --> 00:04:22,282 H- H-Hey, everybody! 63 00:04:22,386 --> 00:04:25,412 - I am sorry. I am so sorry. There was booze in the car. 64 00:04:25,522 --> 00:04:27,490 I'm sorry. 65 00:04:27,591 --> 00:04:29,718 Oh, God, Lois! For Christ's sake, take it easy, will ya? 66 00:04:29,826 --> 00:04:33,627 - When I heard-When I heard... - God. 67 00:04:33,731 --> 00:04:36,256 That we was gonna be in a movie, I was like, "Fuck, yeah!" 68 00:04:36,367 --> 00:04:38,961 All right. You know what? Let's just try and walk straight here. 69 00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:41,038 Just- 70 00:04:41,139 --> 00:04:43,039 Lois, get up. Oh, God. Lois, get up. 71 00:04:43,141 --> 00:04:45,507 - Get on! - I'm not gonna get on. 72 00:04:45,610 --> 00:04:47,601 I am not gon- Lois. Lois. You get up. 73 00:04:47,712 --> 00:04:49,942 - Peter. - What? 74 00:04:50,047 --> 00:04:52,174 - Get on. - Son of a bitch. 75 00:04:52,283 --> 00:04:54,911 I- I am really sorry, everybody. 76 00:04:55,019 --> 00:04:56,987 Oh, G- Oh! All right. You know what? 77 00:04:57,088 --> 00:05:00,819 - Let's get inside. Come on. - Ow! 78 00:05:00,925 --> 00:05:04,486 So, Meg, how does it feel to be the center of attention? 79 00:05:04,595 --> 00:05:07,530 Oh, my God. You talkin' to me? 80 00:05:07,632 --> 00:05:10,829 Are you talkin' to me? Okay. Okay. 81 00:05:10,935 --> 00:05:15,635 - Well, I thought a lot about it, and I- - And here comes David Bowie. 82 00:05:15,741 --> 00:05:18,972 - David, what brings you all the way to- - Shh! 83 00:05:19,077 --> 00:05:21,443 Just you shut your mouth. 84 00:05:21,547 --> 00:05:24,243 Oh, me love to meet Ziggy Stardust! 85 00:05:24,349 --> 00:05:27,546 I take you home. I make you fish bowel soup. Fish bowel! 86 00:05:27,653 --> 00:05:31,555 Thank you, Tricia, for setting your people back a thousand years. 87 00:05:31,657 --> 00:05:34,592 And now we'll cut inside the theater to our hidden cameraman... 88 00:05:34,693 --> 00:05:37,218 ...who'll be providing us with a bootleg copy of the movie. 89 00:05:50,843 --> 00:05:54,108 Vince Vaughn, Susan Sarandon... 90 00:05:54,213 --> 00:05:56,773 ...in Two People Who Look Like They Never Sleep. 91 00:05:56,882 --> 00:05:58,942 Hey, Mary, how'd you sleep last night? 92 00:05:59,052 --> 00:06:01,748 Ugh, I had plenty of sleep. Stop asking me that. 93 00:06:01,855 --> 00:06:03,823 - Well, you look tired. - Well, so do you. 94 00:06:03,923 --> 00:06:05,413 - Fine. - Yeah. 95 00:06:14,167 --> 00:06:17,227 I'm a little bunny and I'm separated from my family. 96 00:06:17,337 --> 00:06:20,670 Oh, no. I have a long journey to go on. 97 00:06:20,773 --> 00:06:22,798 I wish I didn't have to go it alone. 98 00:06:22,909 --> 00:06:25,537 Hey, Mr. Bear, I need your help. 99 00:06:25,645 --> 00:06:29,547 But I'm a loner bear who don't like to be bothered by other folks. 100 00:06:29,649 --> 00:06:32,880 A story of friendship, with music by Randy Newman. 101 00:06:32,986 --> 00:06:37,320 — It's a story 'bout friendship with music by me — 102 00:06:37,423 --> 00:06:39,949 — 'Bout a bear and a bunny — 103 00:06:40,060 --> 00:06:43,621 — In the end the bunny's family dies but the bear becomes his new family — 104 00:06:43,731 --> 00:06:45,961 — Something like that — 105 00:09:13,350 --> 00:09:15,875 Whee! 106 00:09:15,986 --> 00:09:19,854 Mom, look! Mom! Mom! 107 00:09:19,956 --> 00:09:23,858 Mom! Mom! Mom, look at me! 108 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:27,418 Look at me! Mom! Mom! 109 00:09:27,531 --> 00:09:30,399 Mom! 110 00:09:31,903 --> 00:09:34,770 - How was that? - Your third somersault was a little sloppy. 111 00:09:34,872 --> 00:09:36,840 But what do I know, huh? 112 00:09:36,941 --> 00:09:39,671 It's been so long since I qualified for the Olympics. 113 00:09:39,777 --> 00:09:42,974 - You were in the Olympics? - No, I got pregnant with Meg and couldn't go. 114 00:09:43,081 --> 00:09:45,106 Now I'm pro-choice. 115 00:09:47,618 --> 00:09:50,178 Hey! Hey, Meg. Go crouch down behind Brian. 116 00:09:50,288 --> 00:09:52,654 - I'm gonna push him in the pool. - Okay. 117 00:10:01,666 --> 00:10:04,362 - Dad! - Ow! Damn it! 118 00:10:04,469 --> 00:10:06,733 Meg, you did it wrong! 119 00:10:09,107 --> 00:10:11,576 See ya later, honey. I guess I can't go swimmin' for half an hour. 120 00:10:11,677 --> 00:10:13,577 Giggedy-giggedy-giggedy-goo! 121 00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:17,046 Hey, Stewie. How 'bout Daddy teaches ya how to swim? 122 00:10:17,149 --> 00:10:20,141 Go... Away... Fat man. 123 00:10:20,252 --> 00:10:22,777 What do you think you're doing? "No" means "no"! 124 00:10:22,888 --> 00:10:24,913 Okay. Here goes. 125 00:10:25,023 --> 00:10:28,550 Come on, Stewie. In... The... Pool. 126 00:10:28,660 --> 00:10:32,994 No! No, I don't want to die! I want to live! Live! 127 00:10:33,098 --> 00:10:36,192 Peter, stop it. He's never gonna learn like that. 128 00:10:36,301 --> 00:10:38,462 Maybe this summer he should take swim lessons. 129 00:10:38,570 --> 00:10:40,561 - Would ya like that, Stewie? - Hmm. 130 00:10:40,672 --> 00:10:43,334 Well, I guess it couldn't be worse than that summer I spent in India. 131 00:10:43,442 --> 00:10:45,706 Whatever you do, short-round, don't touch anything. 132 00:10:45,811 --> 00:10:48,609 Okay, Dr. Jones, I no touch anything. 133 00:10:50,048 --> 00:10:54,349 - Indy! - Lady only here 'cause she humping director. 134 00:10:57,357 --> 00:11:00,451 Whoa. Look at this place. What happened to Sal's Video? 135 00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:03,427 We bought them out two weeks ago. Welcome to Lackluster Video. 136 00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:05,623 50,000 stores nationwide. 137 00:11:05,732 --> 00:11:08,633 Yeah, well, uh, you know, I used to come into Sal's once or twice a week... 138 00:11:08,735 --> 00:11:12,034 ...to rent movies from his, uh... Back room. 139 00:11:12,138 --> 00:11:15,539 You know what I mean? Room for, uh, adults only. 140 00:11:15,642 --> 00:11:19,339 Catch my drift? The, uh, kind of movies where there are X-rated pornos... 141 00:11:19,445 --> 00:11:22,573 ...and fully-nude people fornicate for the camera and stuff comes out. 142 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:24,843 - Get my meaning? - Oh, I'm sorry, but Lackluster Video... 143 00:11:24,951 --> 00:11:27,385 ...takes a strong moral stance against pornography... 144 00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:29,478 ...open-mindedness and non-Christians. 145 00:11:29,589 --> 00:11:32,456 Oh, yeah? Then why do you rent Prince of Tides? Barbra Streisand is Jewish. 146 00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:34,584 We edit some of our movies. 147 00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:36,686 I think I'm in love with you, Doctor. 148 00:11:36,797 --> 00:11:40,995 No, Tom, you're wrong. You don't love me. You love the idea of me. 149 00:11:41,101 --> 00:11:43,865 Hi, I'm Tom Tucker. Do me a favor and fill this bag... 150 00:11:43,971 --> 00:11:47,998 ...with motion pictures featuring women-on-women or anything with an amputee. 151 00:11:48,108 --> 00:11:52,272 Save your money, Tucker. This place doesn't have porn. They think it's immoral. 152 00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:54,347 You know, that really grinds my gears. 153 00:11:54,448 --> 00:11:57,884 Where in the Bible does it say a man can't fire off some knuckle-children... 154 00:11:57,985 --> 00:12:00,613 ...in the privacy of his own neighbor's living room, while his neighbor is at work... 155 00:12:00,721 --> 00:12:02,882 ...because I don't have a DVD player? 156 00:12:02,990 --> 00:12:05,720 I don't know where it says it because the Bible is way too long to read. 157 00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:07,794 Hey, that was quite a rant there. 158 00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:11,194 You know, we're looking for an everyman to rant about petty, nonsensical irritants... 159 00:12:11,298 --> 00:12:13,323 ...to replace our "Spotlight on the Middle East" segment. 160 00:12:13,434 --> 00:12:15,402 Hey! I'd be great at that! 161 00:12:15,502 --> 00:12:18,734 I've been dying to get back on television ever since I stopped hosting Family Feud. 162 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:22,469 How are you, Betsy? Welcome to the show. You are a lovely young woman. 163 00:12:22,577 --> 00:12:25,546 Stick my hand up there and feel that one. 164 00:12:25,647 --> 00:12:27,706 And that one. 165 00:12:27,816 --> 00:12:30,250 We're looking for somethin' you shop for at the mall. Three seconds. 166 00:12:35,991 --> 00:12:37,982 Come on, Stewie. Don't be afraid. 167 00:12:38,093 --> 00:12:40,186 It's just water. It's not gonna bite. 168 00:12:40,295 --> 00:12:43,025 Shut up! I know it's not going to bite, stupid. 169 00:12:43,131 --> 00:12:46,862 What a stupid thing to say. You drown in it, you moron. It doesn't have to bite you. 170 00:12:46,968 --> 00:12:50,404 Hey, little guy. Take a look at Brad over there. He's my star pupil. 171 00:12:50,505 --> 00:12:53,372 - See how brave he is? - He's not brave. 172 00:12:53,475 --> 00:12:55,500 I'll tell you who was brave- Gandhi. 173 00:12:55,610 --> 00:12:58,579 And the black people are always like, "Hey, bitch. " 174 00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:02,549 And the Indian people, we do not call our women in such a way. 175 00:13:02,652 --> 00:13:04,677 Boo.! You suck.! 176 00:13:04,787 --> 00:13:07,585 Okay, parents. Next week's the toddler's swim meet. 177 00:13:07,690 --> 00:13:09,988 It's gonna be a lot of fun! 178 00:13:11,427 --> 00:13:14,021 You know, that is a remarkable resemblance, Brad. 179 00:13:14,130 --> 00:13:18,226 You, on your back, in the water- You look like one of my stools! 180 00:13:22,271 --> 00:13:26,139 So, is it just pool water that turns you into a sniveling girl, or is it all water? 181 00:13:26,242 --> 00:13:28,904 Mom! Brian's asking me if it's just pool water that turns me... 182 00:13:29,011 --> 00:13:31,036 ...into a sniveling girl or if it's all water! 183 00:13:31,147 --> 00:13:35,447 I heard that Olympic swimmers shave all the hair off their head and their private areas... 184 00:13:35,551 --> 00:13:37,485 ...to make 'em move faster. 185 00:13:37,586 --> 00:13:39,520 I don't need some stupid gimmick. 186 00:13:39,622 --> 00:13:44,356 Soon as I improve my technique, I'll outswim Brad as easily as I took care of that other boy. 187 00:13:44,461 --> 00:13:48,090 Casper, go long! 188 00:13:48,198 --> 00:13:51,361 Ooh, sorry about that, man. 189 00:13:51,468 --> 00:13:53,368 - Are you dead? - Yeah, whatever. 190 00:13:53,470 --> 00:13:55,438 I was gonna off myself on Tuesday anyway. 191 00:13:55,539 --> 00:13:58,599 Hey, Peter, shouldn't you be getting ready for your first news segment? 192 00:13:58,709 --> 00:14:01,940 Yeah. I'm a little nervous, though. I'm not sure what to talk about. 193 00:14:02,045 --> 00:14:05,378 - You could talk about me. - Okay, honey. I'll talk about you. 194 00:14:05,482 --> 00:14:09,612 "Hey, I'm Meg. I go to school. I wear glasses. " 195 00:14:13,490 --> 00:14:15,822 Spot on. Spot on. 196 00:14:15,926 --> 00:14:18,793 Oh, Peter, you'll be great. You're a natural. 197 00:14:18,895 --> 00:14:21,625 I always said they never should have replaced you on Roseanne. 198 00:14:21,732 --> 00:14:23,792 Hey, Rosie, have you seen Darlene? 199 00:14:29,340 --> 00:14:31,706 ...and junk. 200 00:14:31,809 --> 00:14:36,610 Uh, I-I don't, uh- I can't, uh-What? 201 00:14:39,050 --> 00:14:42,383 In other news, after several grueling days of frightening uncertainty... 202 00:14:42,487 --> 00:14:45,979 - I finally get my period. - Well, Diane, I'm sure you and your brother... 203 00:14:46,090 --> 00:14:49,253 ...must be devastated by the loss of the two-headed offspring that might have been. 204 00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:53,296 We now go to Peter Griffin for "You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?" 205 00:14:53,398 --> 00:14:56,424 Thanks, Tom. You know what really grinds my gears? 206 00:14:56,534 --> 00:14:59,867 Nobody's come up with a new priest-and-rabbi joke in, like, 30 years. 207 00:14:59,971 --> 00:15:02,064 You know? I mean, okay. Um, um- 208 00:15:02,173 --> 00:15:05,040 A priest and rabbi go into the supermarket and, uh, the priest... 209 00:15:05,143 --> 00:15:07,339 ...wants to buy a ham and the rabbi says... 210 00:15:07,446 --> 00:15:09,414 "Uh, I can't eat it. It's forbidden. 211 00:15:09,515 --> 00:15:11,676 Couldn't eat it. Not allowed. " 212 00:15:11,784 --> 00:15:14,252 Pigs are like superheroes to them. Is it perfect? No. 213 00:15:14,353 --> 00:15:16,583 L- I don't see you comin' up with anything. 214 00:15:16,688 --> 00:15:18,815 And that, people, is what grinds my gears. Tom. 215 00:15:20,926 --> 00:15:22,894 Come on. You gonna be all day? 216 00:15:22,995 --> 00:15:25,725 - I'm brushing my teeth. - You only have, like, two. 217 00:15:25,831 --> 00:15:28,925 - I mean, how long could- Oh, God! - Oh. Hey. 218 00:15:29,034 --> 00:15:32,162 Uh... wow. 219 00:15:32,271 --> 00:15:35,331 You... Doin' a little hair removal there? 220 00:15:35,441 --> 00:15:38,274 Oh, uh-Yeah. 221 00:15:38,377 --> 00:15:41,835 Um... You know, feel free to say "no" to this, but... 222 00:15:41,947 --> 00:15:44,313 ...would you shave my coin purse? 223 00:15:50,223 --> 00:15:53,852 Oh, no! No way, man! 224 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:58,021 Holy freaking God! 225 00:15:58,131 --> 00:16:02,397 - Oh! - Don't have to be so uptight about it. 226 00:16:03,636 --> 00:16:05,831 There we are. Balder than Michael Chiklis- 227 00:16:05,939 --> 00:16:08,806 And bears him an odd resemblance too. I say, they could be brothers. 228 00:16:08,908 --> 00:16:11,741 Detective Vic Mackey has finally met his match. 229 00:16:11,845 --> 00:16:15,406 Just when you thought The Shield couldn't get anymore intense. 230 00:16:15,515 --> 00:16:18,609 - Hey, Mackey, your brother's here. - I'm sorry, Detective. 231 00:16:18,718 --> 00:16:21,812 - I don't have a brother. - Hello, Vic. 232 00:16:21,921 --> 00:16:25,823 Detective Scrotes. I told you I never wanted to see you again. 233 00:16:25,925 --> 00:16:28,917 Yeah? Well, I got a listenin' problem. 234 00:16:30,798 --> 00:16:33,232 Okay. We're gonna have our first fun little race. 235 00:16:33,334 --> 00:16:35,302 When I blow this whistle, I want all the parents... 236 00:16:35,402 --> 00:16:37,370 ...to throw their children into the pool. 237 00:16:37,471 --> 00:16:41,567 If your child doesn't resurface right away, they're probably just trying to get attention. 238 00:16:41,675 --> 00:16:43,700 - Ready? - Good luck, Stewie. 239 00:16:43,811 --> 00:16:45,608 "Good luck, Stewie. " 240 00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:47,146 That's you. That's what you sound like. 241 00:16:47,248 --> 00:16:50,547 You're mine, Brad! 242 00:16:50,651 --> 00:16:53,950 Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn! 243 00:16:57,224 --> 00:17:00,125 Ew! A Band-Aid. 244 00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:03,196 I've got ya, sweetie. 245 00:17:09,537 --> 00:17:11,402 Good for you, Brad! 246 00:17:11,505 --> 00:17:13,531 - Oh, isn't he adorable? - He's much better than my kids. 247 00:17:15,977 --> 00:17:19,003 So, you think you can make me look like a fool, do you? You little bastard! 248 00:17:19,114 --> 00:17:22,106 Well, guess again! 249 00:17:22,217 --> 00:17:26,381 Oh, Brad! There's a piece of marzipan over here for you. 250 00:17:30,158 --> 00:17:32,820 What the deuce? 251 00:17:50,812 --> 00:17:53,804 Hell? Now, that's a bit much, don't you think? 252 00:17:53,915 --> 00:17:56,976 I mean, sure, I've spent my entire life trying to kill my mother. But who hasn't? 253 00:17:57,086 --> 00:17:59,884 You know, really, for hell this isn't that bad. 254 00:17:59,989 --> 00:18:02,082 - Hi, there. I'm Steve Allen. - Oh, hello. 255 00:18:02,191 --> 00:18:03,988 All right. Let's do this. 256 00:18:04,093 --> 00:18:07,392 Ah! 257 00:18:07,496 --> 00:18:09,464 I'm alive. I'm alive! 258 00:18:09,565 --> 00:18:11,692 Oh! Stewie! My baby. 259 00:18:11,801 --> 00:18:15,066 I thought I'd lost you. Oh! 260 00:18:15,171 --> 00:18:18,140 I can't believe it. All these years I thought I was living in hell... 261 00:18:18,241 --> 00:18:20,209 ...but it gets so much worse. 262 00:18:20,309 --> 00:18:22,539 This is a sign. Well, from this day forward... 263 00:18:22,645 --> 00:18:25,978 Stewart Gilligan Griffin will be a good boy. 264 00:18:26,082 --> 00:18:29,051 I don't understand. I was only gonna ask him to fix my collar. 265 00:18:29,151 --> 00:18:31,711 Huh. Well, I wonder what they got on TV in hell. 266 00:18:43,267 --> 00:18:45,235 Morning, Brian. 267 00:18:45,335 --> 00:18:48,065 Beautiful day, isn't it? Kind of day that makes you glad to be alive. 268 00:18:48,171 --> 00:18:51,436 - I made fudge. - Uh, okay. 269 00:18:54,745 --> 00:18:56,645 Wha- Uh- What, uh- 270 00:18:56,747 --> 00:18:59,045 - What are you-What are you doing? - Well, from the feel of it... 271 00:18:59,149 --> 00:19:01,310 ...working through quite a few years of stress. 272 00:19:01,418 --> 00:19:04,546 The thing is, when I died, I got a glimpse of where I was going... 273 00:19:04,655 --> 00:19:06,885 ...and, well, I did not like it one bit. 274 00:19:06,990 --> 00:19:09,618 Wow. I am so uncomfortable right now. 275 00:19:09,726 --> 00:19:11,717 So, I've resolved to change my ways... 276 00:19:11,828 --> 00:19:13,819 ...because I know now who I want to be. 277 00:19:13,930 --> 00:19:17,764 — I have confidence in sunshine — 278 00:19:17,868 --> 00:19:20,997 — I have confidence in rain — 279 00:19:21,105 --> 00:19:24,199 — I have confidence that spring will come again — 280 00:19:24,309 --> 00:19:27,836 — Besides which, you see I have confidence in me —— 281 00:19:27,945 --> 00:19:30,846 There you are. Drink plenty of water. 282 00:19:30,948 --> 00:19:33,348 - Hey, Brian. - Yeah? 283 00:19:33,451 --> 00:19:35,646 Thanks for listening. 284 00:19:35,753 --> 00:19:38,654 Boy, that was more disturbing than that cartoon I saw the other day. 285 00:19:42,093 --> 00:19:46,757 Shh! Be "vewy," "vewy" quiet. I'm hunting "wabbits. " 286 00:19:47,865 --> 00:19:49,833 Nyah, what's up, Doc? 287 00:19:53,471 --> 00:19:55,598 Oh, God! Oh, God! 288 00:19:55,707 --> 00:19:58,938 Oh! 289 00:20:10,856 --> 00:20:13,552 Shh! Quiet! Quiet! Your father's on. 290 00:20:13,659 --> 00:20:17,186 You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. 291 00:20:17,296 --> 00:20:20,026 Eh? Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits... 292 00:20:20,132 --> 00:20:22,396 ...jumpin' around there on stage half-naked... 293 00:20:22,501 --> 00:20:24,560 ...with your little outfits. 294 00:20:24,670 --> 00:20:28,436 You're up there jumpin' around and I'm just sittin' here with my beer. 295 00:20:28,540 --> 00:20:30,940 So, you know, what am I supposed to do? 296 00:20:31,043 --> 00:20:33,443 What do you-What do you want? You know, are we gonna go out? 297 00:20:33,545 --> 00:20:36,173 Is that what you're tryin'- Why are you... Leapin' around there... 298 00:20:36,281 --> 00:20:39,250 ...throwin' those things all up, um, over there in my face? 299 00:20:39,351 --> 00:20:43,254 Huh? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want! 300 00:20:43,356 --> 00:20:45,620 Well, I'll tell you what you want. You want nothin'. 301 00:20:45,725 --> 00:20:47,693 You want nothin'. All right? 302 00:20:47,794 --> 00:20:51,753 Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone... 303 00:20:51,865 --> 00:20:56,325 ...and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is just bogus. 304 00:20:56,436 --> 00:21:00,099 Oh! He is so right-on. Women are such teases. 305 00:21:00,206 --> 00:21:02,174 That's why I went back to men. 306 00:21:02,275 --> 00:21:06,644 Okay, Mom. Thanks for that. See you later. 307 00:21:06,746 --> 00:21:08,771 Go on. 308 00:21:08,882 --> 00:21:12,477 Another thing that grinds my gears is when I can't find the droids I'm lookin' for. 309 00:21:12,585 --> 00:21:14,746 Yeah, me too. What gives with that? 310 00:21:14,854 --> 00:21:17,015 And that's what really grinds my gears. 311 00:21:17,123 --> 00:21:19,057 Clear. Remove my microphone. 312 00:21:19,159 --> 00:21:21,127 - Great job, Mr. Griffin. - Great job, Peter. 313 00:21:21,227 --> 00:21:23,195 - Just terrific. - Just fantastic. 314 00:21:23,296 --> 00:21:25,629 Oh, this gig is even better than that job I had... 315 00:21:25,733 --> 00:21:28,224 ...providing nighttime heat for Lara Flynn Boyle. 316 00:21:28,335 --> 00:21:30,428 Thanks so much, Peter. 317 00:21:30,538 --> 00:21:32,563 - I was getting a little chilly. - No sweat, Lara. 318 00:21:32,673 --> 00:21:35,233 Hey, you have yourself a fine sleep. 319 00:21:36,610 --> 00:21:39,670 - Hey, Lara. - Yeah? 320 00:21:39,780 --> 00:21:43,580 - Is Dylan McDermott nice in person? - Yeah. 321 00:21:43,684 --> 00:21:45,709 Good. 322 00:21:49,657 --> 00:21:51,784 So, who would like to say the blessing? 323 00:21:51,892 --> 00:21:54,122 No one? Okay. I'll do it. 324 00:21:54,228 --> 00:21:56,287 Um, dear Lord... 325 00:21:56,397 --> 00:21:58,763 ...we thank you for this food we are about to eat... 326 00:21:58,866 --> 00:22:02,597 ...uh, thank you for this gorgeous day... 327 00:22:02,703 --> 00:22:06,571 ...and thank you for letting me share it with my good friend, Brian- 328 00:22:06,674 --> 00:22:08,643 ...that's you. 329 00:22:08,743 --> 00:22:10,711 Um... 330 00:22:10,812 --> 00:22:13,110 ...and that about covers it, I guess. 331 00:22:13,215 --> 00:22:15,240 All right. Amen. 332 00:22:15,350 --> 00:22:19,878 Sweetheart, I thought your "Grind My Gears" segment was just wonderful tonight. 333 00:22:19,988 --> 00:22:22,252 Yeah! I can't believe my father's famous. 334 00:22:22,357 --> 00:22:24,450 Well, honey, there's been a lot of famous Griffins... 335 00:22:24,559 --> 00:22:26,720 ...like my great aunt, Ella Fitzgerald Griffin. 336 00:22:26,828 --> 00:22:28,989 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. 337 00:22:29,097 --> 00:22:31,258 I'd like to introduce my accompanist for the evening... 338 00:22:31,366 --> 00:22:34,233 ...please say hello to young Ray Charles. 339 00:22:44,980 --> 00:22:48,313 I'm blind! 340 00:22:48,416 --> 00:22:52,148 - I feel ridiculous. - Well, I can't very well fit you up here, can I? 341 00:22:52,255 --> 00:22:56,692 - Where are we going? - Well, there is the most absolutely perfect... 342 00:22:56,792 --> 00:22:59,022 ...spider web in the bushes by Cleveland's house. 343 00:22:59,128 --> 00:23:01,596 - You have just got to see it. - Oh, for God's sake. 344 00:23:01,697 --> 00:23:03,688 - Hey, Brian. Brian. - What? 345 00:23:03,799 --> 00:23:05,892 - Knock-knock. - Oh, come on. 346 00:23:06,002 --> 00:23:07,993 - Knock-knock. - Who's there? 347 00:23:08,104 --> 00:23:11,870 Your friend, Stewie- and he's always gonna be there for you. 348 00:23:13,376 --> 00:23:17,244 - Yes. Table for two. - I'm sorry. We have a 45-minute wait. 349 00:23:17,346 --> 00:23:19,837 Oh, isn't that too bad, honey? 350 00:23:19,949 --> 00:23:23,043 Because I know waiting in line at a restaurant... 351 00:23:23,152 --> 00:23:25,177 ...really, uh, grinds your gears. 352 00:23:25,288 --> 00:23:27,256 Oh, my God! It's you! 353 00:23:27,356 --> 00:23:30,325 I loved your rant about how bread is square and baloney is round. 354 00:23:30,426 --> 00:23:32,452 Oh, a table just opened up. 355 00:23:32,563 --> 00:23:36,556 - Hey! We've been waiting. - Shh! That's Michael Moore. 356 00:23:36,667 --> 00:23:38,635 Mr. Tucker, we need this table. 357 00:23:38,735 --> 00:23:40,703 But I've already ordered. 358 00:23:40,804 --> 00:23:44,365 Oh, we have a private booth set up for you. This way. 359 00:23:44,474 --> 00:23:46,442 - Griffin. - Diane. 360 00:23:46,543 --> 00:23:49,137 I can't believe we got a table at the hottest restaurant in town... 361 00:23:49,246 --> 00:23:51,214 ...without a reservation. 362 00:23:51,315 --> 00:23:53,340 We really are moving up in the world. 363 00:23:53,450 --> 00:23:55,782 Yeah, but I'd love to see what those private booths are like. 364 00:24:00,223 --> 00:24:04,592 This is totally unacceptable. How long are you going to be? I'm very hungry. 365 00:24:08,832 --> 00:24:11,096 Hey, B! Rupert and I were just about to- 366 00:24:11,201 --> 00:24:13,294 E- E-Excuse me. Did you just call me "B"? 367 00:24:13,403 --> 00:24:15,599 Yes, B. Rupert and I were just about to dine on this mixture... 368 00:24:15,707 --> 00:24:17,675 ...of Play-Doh and rug hair. 369 00:24:17,775 --> 00:24:19,743 - Care to join? - Oh, no, thanks. 370 00:24:19,844 --> 00:24:22,039 I just thought you might be interested in seeing this. 371 00:24:22,146 --> 00:24:25,547 This is the most absolutely perfectly destroyed spider web. 372 00:24:25,650 --> 00:24:27,777 - Where's the spider? - Knock-knock. 373 00:24:27,885 --> 00:24:29,978 - Who's there? - I ate him! 374 00:24:30,088 --> 00:24:32,454 You bastard! Who the hell do you think you are? 375 00:24:32,557 --> 00:24:35,287 Ha! I knew it. I knew you hadn't really changed. 376 00:24:35,393 --> 00:24:38,362 Okay. So, I was faking being nice. It's not the worst thing I've done. 377 00:24:40,865 --> 00:24:43,425 Ooh! Steve, it's coming right at us. Grab it! 378 00:24:43,534 --> 00:24:46,094 - I don't wanna get in the way. - It's a foul ball. 379 00:24:46,204 --> 00:24:48,263 What harm can it do? 380 00:24:48,373 --> 00:24:51,706 Look, I really don't want to go to hell, but I can't fight my nature. 381 00:24:51,809 --> 00:24:54,437 - I'm just a hateful person. - You're not hateful. 382 00:24:54,545 --> 00:24:56,514 You just need to control your anger like I do. 383 00:24:56,615 --> 00:24:58,583 You mean by being sauced all day? 384 00:24:58,684 --> 00:25:01,175 Wait a minute. Of course. That's it. 385 00:25:01,286 --> 00:25:04,881 If I'm drunk, I'll be calm. If I'm calm, I'll be nice. If I'm nice, I won't go to hell. 386 00:25:04,990 --> 00:25:07,356 Fix me a highball. I'm going to get good and tight. 387 00:25:07,459 --> 00:25:09,552 Look, you can't drink. You're an infant, all right? 388 00:25:09,662 --> 00:25:11,687 Besides, there are better ways to solve your problems. 389 00:25:11,797 --> 00:25:14,891 Oh, I suppose you're right. Thanks, Brian. I was weak. 390 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:17,230 No problem. 391 00:25:20,973 --> 00:25:23,840 Oh, my God! Do you know what it's time for? 392 00:25:23,942 --> 00:25:26,103 A sexy party! 393 00:25:43,963 --> 00:25:47,194 So, Brian, I- Oh, what? 394 00:25:47,300 --> 00:25:50,929 - I didn't say anything. - L-I thought- Oh, I thought you interrupted me. 395 00:25:51,037 --> 00:25:53,369 - Do-Don't interrupt me! - Are you okay? 396 00:25:53,473 --> 00:25:56,101 I'm as okay as your face. 397 00:25:58,878 --> 00:26:02,609 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm s-sorry. 398 00:26:02,716 --> 00:26:06,015 So, honey, what are you going to rant about today? 399 00:26:06,119 --> 00:26:08,519 - Could we get a little preview? - Oh, I got a good one, Lois. 400 00:26:08,621 --> 00:26:11,715 Parents who let their kids do anything they want. I hate that. 401 00:26:11,825 --> 00:26:14,726 You know? Like, when I'm in a restaurant tryin' to enjoy my dinner... 402 00:26:14,828 --> 00:26:18,855 ...and little baby junior son-of-a-bitch over there is screaming his head off. 403 00:26:18,965 --> 00:26:21,025 Parents need to control their kids. 404 00:26:21,135 --> 00:26:24,468 Hey! Everybody, look! I'm gonna do- I'm gonna do something... 405 00:26:24,572 --> 00:26:26,597 ...that's gonna freak you out. 406 00:26:26,707 --> 00:26:30,609 I'm gonna jump from this shelf to my high chair. 407 00:26:30,711 --> 00:26:34,704 I'm gonna jump. You- Are y-you watching? Are you? Are you? 408 00:26:34,815 --> 00:26:37,215 Stewie, don't interrupt. It grinds my gears when you do that. 409 00:26:37,318 --> 00:26:39,309 Oh! He said it! 410 00:26:41,489 --> 00:26:43,684 You're gon-You're gonna- You're gonna miss it. 411 00:26:43,791 --> 00:26:46,521 You're gonna miss it. You're gonna miss it. 412 00:26:49,597 --> 00:26:52,532 Oh, G- Oh, dude.! Did you see th-that? 413 00:26:52,633 --> 00:26:54,965 Did you guys- Oh, man. Look at this- 414 00:26:55,069 --> 00:26:58,061 Look at this gash. Look at this gash right up the side of my leg. 415 00:26:58,172 --> 00:27:00,766 Oh-ho.! Oh.! I cut myself deep. 416 00:27:00,875 --> 00:27:03,401 - Oh.! It doesn't hurt though. - Uh, all right. Time for your nap. 417 00:27:03,512 --> 00:27:05,537 Don't worry, Lois. I'll take him. Let's go. 418 00:27:06,815 --> 00:27:08,840 God.! What- What the hell? 419 00:27:08,950 --> 00:27:11,077 Why are you drag- Why are we in here? 420 00:27:11,186 --> 00:27:13,347 It's rude to the... other people. 421 00:27:13,455 --> 00:27:15,423 - You're drunk. - You're sexy. 422 00:27:15,524 --> 00:27:17,685 Listen, you have to stop this, all right? No more drinking. 423 00:27:17,793 --> 00:27:19,920 - I'm sorry I even put it in your head. - I don't know. 424 00:27:20,028 --> 00:27:22,622 I don't even know what your problem is. I've never felt better. 425 00:27:22,731 --> 00:27:25,700 Okay, now I've never felt better. 426 00:27:29,905 --> 00:27:32,840 You know, Peter, there's gonna be a lot of people watching tonight. 427 00:27:32,941 --> 00:27:35,739 Better keep your balls on the prize- Eyeballs- 428 00:27:35,844 --> 00:27:37,869 On the ball. Eyes on the ball. 429 00:27:37,979 --> 00:27:40,243 Take two. You know, Peter, there's gonna be... 430 00:27:40,348 --> 00:27:42,441 ...a lot of people watching tonight. 431 00:27:42,551 --> 00:27:44,520 Better not screw up. Use take two. 432 00:27:44,620 --> 00:27:47,214 Don't worry about me, Tom. I'll be fine. 433 00:27:47,323 --> 00:27:49,484 We're on in three, two- 434 00:27:49,592 --> 00:27:52,152 And now it's time for "You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?" 435 00:27:52,261 --> 00:27:54,627 - With Peter Griffin. - Thanks, Diane. 436 00:27:54,730 --> 00:27:57,426 - You know what really grinds my gears? - Hey! Hey! 437 00:27:57,533 --> 00:27:59,899 Those X-ray specs you used to buy out of the comics. 438 00:28:00,002 --> 00:28:02,937 - Hey! Screw up! - I save up forever to buy these things... 439 00:28:03,039 --> 00:28:06,406 ...and when I finally get 'em yesterday, I couldn't see the inside of my son's belly. 440 00:28:06,509 --> 00:28:11,469 Blah! Bah! Blah! 441 00:28:11,581 --> 00:28:13,674 See, I wanted to see if he'd eaten the last Nilla wafer... 442 00:28:13,783 --> 00:28:15,751 'cause I told him I wanted it. 443 00:28:15,852 --> 00:28:18,582 - Boy, I tell ya, that really grinds my gears. - Pay attention to me! 444 00:28:18,688 --> 00:28:20,781 I'm trying to ruin you! 445 00:28:20,890 --> 00:28:23,017 You wanted to see me, sir? 446 00:28:23,125 --> 00:28:26,926 You're fired, Tom. Turn in your press pass and any other studio property. 447 00:28:33,203 --> 00:28:35,296 What are we doing here? 448 00:28:35,405 --> 00:28:38,101 So, you like being drunk? Fine. I'm gonna get you so drunk... 449 00:28:38,208 --> 00:28:40,176 ...you'll never wanna drink again. 450 00:28:40,277 --> 00:28:43,007 Come on. 451 00:28:53,690 --> 00:28:56,352 Cold. It's so cold. 452 00:28:57,761 --> 00:28:59,922 - Thanks, Horace. - Hey, is he 18? 453 00:29:00,030 --> 00:29:02,931 - Horace, the drinking age is 21. - Oh. 454 00:29:03,033 --> 00:29:05,831 O- Okay. Uh, uh... 455 00:29:05,936 --> 00:29:07,927 ...to the black man. 456 00:29:08,038 --> 00:29:10,701 Thanks for taking it all in stride. 457 00:29:15,680 --> 00:29:19,946 — 'Cause suicide is painless — 458 00:29:20,051 --> 00:29:24,317 — It brings on many changes — 459 00:29:24,422 --> 00:29:27,516 — And I can take or leave it — 460 00:29:27,625 --> 00:29:31,322 — If I please —— 461 00:29:32,363 --> 00:29:34,297 Was that- Was that good? 462 00:29:34,399 --> 00:29:36,731 Oh, God. Thank you, man. 463 00:29:36,834 --> 00:29:38,802 G- Get the fruit. There's more points. 464 00:29:38,903 --> 00:29:41,235 - Get- Get the- Get the fruit. - I'm not gonna get the fruit. 465 00:29:41,339 --> 00:29:43,239 - Get the fruit. - I can't get the fruit. 466 00:29:43,341 --> 00:29:45,969 I'm not gonna get the fruit! There's a ghost right there! 467 00:29:47,979 --> 00:29:50,277 I can't believe you saved all those. 468 00:29:50,381 --> 00:29:53,977 L- Lois- L-Lois- You think Lois'll like these? 469 00:29:54,086 --> 00:29:56,714 - You love Lois! - Shut up! 470 00:29:56,822 --> 00:29:59,120 You know what? Give me your keys. 471 00:29:59,224 --> 00:30:01,920 - Oh, no. I'm fine. - No, no. Give me your keys. 472 00:30:02,027 --> 00:30:03,995 I'm fi- I'm drivin'. 473 00:30:04,096 --> 00:30:06,064 - Give me your keys. You're too drunk. - I'm okay. 474 00:30:06,165 --> 00:30:09,896 Peter- Meg- Brian. You're too- Brian, you're too drunk to drive. 475 00:30:10,002 --> 00:30:13,130 L- I-I a-am- I- 476 00:30:13,238 --> 00:30:15,502 You're right. Here. Here you go. 477 00:30:22,915 --> 00:30:25,008 Shh! 478 00:30:25,117 --> 00:30:29,781 And that's it for sports. Now let's go to Ollie Williams with Adopt-A-Pet of the week. 479 00:30:29,888 --> 00:30:31,856 - Who wants this dog? - Thanks, Ollie. 480 00:30:31,957 --> 00:30:35,485 And now let's go to Peter Griffin with "You Know What Really Grinds My-" 481 00:30:35,595 --> 00:30:38,086 Tom! What are you doing? You don't work here anymore. 482 00:30:38,198 --> 00:30:40,496 Well, Diane, I have an exclusive story- 483 00:30:40,600 --> 00:30:42,795 And I can't figure out how to check my e-mail from home. 484 00:30:42,902 --> 00:30:45,166 - Did you check your TCP/IPsettings? - Yes, I did, Ollie. 485 00:30:45,271 --> 00:30:47,239 - Enable cookies? - Yes, Ollie. 486 00:30:47,340 --> 00:30:49,365 - You want this dog? - No, thank you, Ollie. Roll tape. 487 00:30:49,476 --> 00:30:51,944 This was the scene at the Drunken Clam last night... 488 00:30:52,045 --> 00:30:54,013 ...as a car driven by an intoxicated infant... 489 00:30:54,114 --> 00:30:56,082 ...caused thousands of dollars-worth of damage. 490 00:30:56,182 --> 00:30:58,309 Put th- Put this on my tab. 491 00:30:58,418 --> 00:31:00,818 It was- It was, like, all slowed down. 492 00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:04,287 You know? And I was, like, "Whoa!" But I couldn't stop it. 493 00:31:04,391 --> 00:31:06,359 And who is the father of the child in that car? 494 00:31:06,459 --> 00:31:08,359 Ooh.! Tom.! Tom.! I know this. I know this. 495 00:31:08,461 --> 00:31:10,656 Tom, over here. Tom! Ooh! Ooh! 496 00:31:10,764 --> 00:31:14,962 The man you all respect so much. Your beloved Peter Griffin. 497 00:31:15,068 --> 00:31:17,435 Good thing he didn't call on me. I was gonna say "Grant Goodeve. " 498 00:31:17,538 --> 00:31:21,770 Thanks, Tom. And now, neglectful father and Quahog's newest social pariah... 499 00:31:21,876 --> 00:31:24,106 Peter Griffin, with another segment of"Grind My Gears. " 500 00:31:24,211 --> 00:31:26,236 - Peter. - Thank you, Diane. 501 00:31:26,347 --> 00:31:30,215 You know what really grinds my gears? People in the 19th century. 502 00:31:30,317 --> 00:31:32,751 Why don't they get with the freakin' program? 503 00:31:32,853 --> 00:31:36,789 It's called an automobile, folks. It's much faster than a horse. 504 00:31:38,025 --> 00:31:40,721 Oh. Well, it appears I've been fired. 505 00:31:40,828 --> 00:31:43,922 Well, as long as I'm no longer working here, let me tell you somethin'. 506 00:31:44,031 --> 00:31:47,489 You know what really grinds my gears? You, America. 507 00:31:47,601 --> 00:31:50,001 Fuck you! Diane. 508 00:31:51,272 --> 00:31:54,264 Hey, Tom. Catch! 509 00:32:01,950 --> 00:32:03,918 Did you miss Daddy? Did you miss Daddy? 510 00:32:04,019 --> 00:32:06,954 Oh, no. It's all right. It's- Oh, you're shaking. 511 00:32:13,095 --> 00:32:15,791 - Go away. - Huh. Little hung over? 512 00:32:15,897 --> 00:32:18,457 I am never going to drink again- Ever. 513 00:32:18,567 --> 00:32:21,092 I may have an occasional creme de menthe, but that's about it. 514 00:32:21,203 --> 00:32:23,603 Look, kid, you can't stay in bed all- Oh, God! You're nude! 515 00:32:23,705 --> 00:32:25,673 I am? What happened to my clothes? 516 00:32:25,774 --> 00:32:29,141 Good Lord! What the hell did I do last night? 517 00:32:29,244 --> 00:32:32,304 - I hope you learned something from all this. - I certainly did, Brian. 518 00:32:32,414 --> 00:32:34,382 It seems I'm still finding myself. 519 00:32:34,483 --> 00:32:37,577 Well, that's just life, Stewie. You gotta help yourself. No one's gonna do it for ya. 520 00:32:37,686 --> 00:32:39,712 Yes, I suppose you're right. 521 00:32:39,822 --> 00:32:42,382 It's just too bad there's not someone out there just like me... 522 00:32:42,492 --> 00:32:44,824 ...who understands me well enough to show me the way. 523 00:32:44,927 --> 00:32:47,919 Yeah. Stewie, I'm sure there's someone out there just like you. 524 00:32:51,968 --> 00:32:54,596 Yes, I've reserved a non-smoking room with a view of the bay. 525 00:32:54,704 --> 00:32:57,935 No soap in the bathroom, just moist towelettes and a sleep mask. 526 00:32:58,040 --> 00:33:02,170 And, um, could you send up a bouquet of orchids and a box ofToffifay? 527 00:33:02,278 --> 00:33:04,303 But, for the moment, I've just got to accept the fact... 528 00:33:04,413 --> 00:33:06,881 ...that I'm an angry boy who'll occasionally try to burn down a house... 529 00:33:06,983 --> 00:33:09,144 ...or toss a poison dart at his mother. 530 00:33:09,252 --> 00:33:12,483 After all, I can't let one near-death experience change my whole life, can I? 531 00:33:12,588 --> 00:33:14,647 I'm glad you finally figured that out. 532 00:33:14,757 --> 00:33:16,987 Although, I will say, for the record, you're a pretty fun drunk. 533 00:33:17,093 --> 00:33:19,994 Well, thank God there were no long-term repercussions. 534 00:33:23,167 --> 00:33:26,136 Oh! Got to play this one right, Roger. Can't seem desperate. 535 00:33:26,236 --> 00:33:28,363 Wait three days- that's the rule. 536 00:33:30,007 --> 00:33:32,237 Oh, God! I wanna talk to him now! 537 00:33:33,877 --> 00:33:35,868 Damn! 538 00:33:41,485 --> 00:33:44,181 Wow! This must be one of them new plasma TV's. 539 00:33:44,288 --> 00:33:46,620 - Would you like something to drink? - I'll have water, please. 540 00:33:46,723 --> 00:33:48,691 I'll have water too, but with lemon. 541 00:33:48,792 --> 00:33:51,625 - I'll have a Sam Adams. - It's 9:30 in the morning. 542 00:33:51,728 --> 00:33:53,958 And don't you have an outstanding D.U.I.? 543 00:33:54,064 --> 00:33:57,227 Yeah, but I've gotta get the taste of weed and hooker spit out of my mouth. 544 00:33:57,334 --> 00:33:59,359 I'll have a Sam Adams too. 545 00:33:59,469 --> 00:34:02,495 Samuel Adams- always a good decision. 546 00:34:02,606 --> 00:34:05,440 Okay, now, if I get a fax, can I stay online and still received the fax... 547 00:34:05,543 --> 00:34:07,511 ...without a dedicated line? 548 00:34:07,612 --> 00:34:11,639 Yeah, you can put a piece of paper in here and make, like, a phone call... 549 00:34:11,749 --> 00:34:15,845 ...and your friend will get another piece of paper with the same picture. 550 00:34:15,954 --> 00:34:19,446 Can I possibly speak to someone who didn't come to this country on a floating door? 551 00:34:19,557 --> 00:34:22,617 - Can I help you? - Yes. We're here to replace our VCR. 552 00:34:22,727 --> 00:34:25,525 Yeah, don't try any of your salesman funny business... 553 00:34:25,630 --> 00:34:28,190 ...like that guy who convinced me to buy that pet Tyrannosaurus. 554 00:34:28,299 --> 00:34:30,392 Okay, Patches, now fetch! 555 00:34:32,570 --> 00:34:36,028 Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Drop it. Drop it. Drop it. 556 00:34:36,140 --> 00:34:38,574 Ew. It's got spit all over it. 557 00:34:38,676 --> 00:34:41,236 A VCR? Let me show you something. 558 00:34:41,346 --> 00:34:43,314 It's called TiVo. It always records what your watching... 559 00:34:43,414 --> 00:34:45,382 ...so, you can re-watch anything you missed. 560 00:34:45,483 --> 00:34:47,884 Oh! Sounds fancy. How does it work? 561 00:34:47,987 --> 00:34:50,421 I'll tell ya how it works. Easy as pie, is how it works. 562 00:34:52,591 --> 00:34:54,855 I'll tell ya how it works. Easy as pie, is how it works. 563 00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:56,928 - Should I ring it up? - Hold on. Hold on. 564 00:34:57,029 --> 00:34:58,997 I think we should discuss it first. 565 00:35:01,400 --> 00:35:03,664 Some kind of palsy. 566 00:35:03,769 --> 00:35:05,737 Anyway, that's how I saved Christmas. 567 00:35:05,838 --> 00:35:07,863 Yeah, go ahead and bag this thing for us. 568 00:35:12,244 --> 00:35:15,236 Ah! Sweet, Quagmire. You got a Winnebago. 569 00:35:15,347 --> 00:35:17,577 You mean a "Wanna-bang-o"! 570 00:35:17,683 --> 00:35:19,651 How clever. 571 00:35:19,752 --> 00:35:21,720 Yeah, I'm gonna take her across the country... 572 00:35:21,820 --> 00:35:23,788 ...and bang a different broad in every state. 573 00:35:23,889 --> 00:35:26,119 - Also, gonna go to Vegas. - Oh, we went to Vegas once. 574 00:35:26,225 --> 00:35:28,194 Remember, Lois? We saw theJew Man group? 575 00:35:32,465 --> 00:35:34,456 Dad, what are you doing? 576 00:35:34,567 --> 00:35:37,263 I'm fast-forwarding through this pesky TV show so I can get to the commercials. 577 00:35:37,370 --> 00:35:40,100 Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. 578 00:35:40,206 --> 00:35:43,642 It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. 579 00:35:43,743 --> 00:35:45,768 I can't sleep at night. 580 00:35:45,879 --> 00:35:48,541 The other day, I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. 581 00:35:48,648 --> 00:35:52,482 Two weeks ago, I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. 582 00:35:52,585 --> 00:35:55,349 Then I find out my wife's been dead for six years. 583 00:35:55,455 --> 00:35:57,480 Who the hell did I hit? 584 00:36:00,327 --> 00:36:03,558 Lunch is ready! Come and get it! 585 00:36:03,663 --> 00:36:05,824 Hey, what do you think it is, boogers on a biscuit? 586 00:36:05,932 --> 00:36:09,459 That's prob-That's probably what it is. 587 00:36:09,569 --> 00:36:11,731 We now go live to the streets of San Francisco... 588 00:36:11,839 --> 00:36:14,171 ...with Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa. 589 00:36:14,275 --> 00:36:17,176 - Diane, is she Chinese orJapanese? - She's Japanese, Tom. 590 00:36:17,278 --> 00:36:19,405 Wow. I know a Japanese woman. 591 00:36:19,513 --> 00:36:22,209 Tom, I'm standing here amidst the heated debate... 592 00:36:22,316 --> 00:36:24,944 ...over a recent petition to change the name of the city... 593 00:36:25,052 --> 00:36:29,045 ...from San Francisco to something a little less gay. 594 00:36:29,156 --> 00:36:32,819 Excuse me, sir. What would you like to rename San Francisco? 595 00:36:32,927 --> 00:36:36,624 Well, given the wonderful shoe shopping, I would cast my vote for "Heaven. " 596 00:36:36,731 --> 00:36:38,631 - Who the hell was that? - What? 597 00:36:38,733 --> 00:36:40,997 I say, press the button. Make it stop. Oh, my God. 598 00:36:41,102 --> 00:36:43,798 - He looks just like me. - You know what? He does. 599 00:36:43,904 --> 00:36:47,499 - Almost looks like he could be your father. - He could be my father. 600 00:36:47,608 --> 00:36:49,701 My real father. I knew it! 601 00:36:49,810 --> 00:36:52,404 Lois must have mated with this poor fellow. 602 00:36:52,514 --> 00:36:54,414 I've got to get out to California. 603 00:36:54,516 --> 00:36:56,848 I dare say, I'd fit right in with the kids from 90210- 604 00:36:56,952 --> 00:36:59,079 ...even the older-looking one. 605 00:37:00,522 --> 00:37:02,717 Boy, that test sure is gonna be hard tomorrow. 606 00:37:02,824 --> 00:37:05,588 You said it, Donna. Hey, Andrea, can you help me study? 607 00:37:05,694 --> 00:37:08,288 - What? - I said, "Can you help me study?" 608 00:37:08,397 --> 00:37:10,729 Dylan, I fixed your socks. 609 00:37:10,832 --> 00:37:13,130 Hey, Andrea, are we still goin' to the concert? 610 00:37:13,235 --> 00:37:18,229 This used to be all orange groves, far as the eye could see. 611 00:37:18,340 --> 00:37:20,308 Okay. So, I'll pick you up at 7:00. 612 00:37:20,409 --> 00:37:25,142 Barbara Stanwyck and I used to take the trolley. 613 00:37:25,247 --> 00:37:28,341 Hey, Lois.! Thought you might be in the mood for a classic. 614 00:37:28,450 --> 00:37:32,819 — Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Spider-Man — 615 00:37:32,921 --> 00:37:35,083 — Spider-Man — 616 00:37:35,191 --> 00:37:37,557 — Here comes Peter on the clothesline but his name's not Peter — 617 00:37:37,660 --> 00:37:40,026 — It is Spider-Man Spider-Man — 618 00:37:40,129 --> 00:37:42,654 — Come on, Lois Let's get busy, maybe in the garden right here — 619 00:37:42,765 --> 00:37:45,598 — Spider-Man Spider-Man — 620 00:37:45,701 --> 00:37:48,363 — Touch my can with your hand Spider-Man — 621 00:37:48,471 --> 00:37:51,406 Oh! Help! Spider-Man. 622 00:37:51,507 --> 00:37:53,737 I'm being attacked by the evil rosebush. 623 00:37:53,843 --> 00:37:55,811 Ah! I'll save you, MaryJane! 624 00:37:59,582 --> 00:38:01,982 - Oh, my God! - I don't know what they're fighting about... 625 00:38:02,084 --> 00:38:04,211 ...but I think Dad's winning. 626 00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:07,084 - Go, Dad! - Kids, can we have some privacy, please? 627 00:38:07,190 --> 00:38:10,523 Yeah, you guys are more annoying than that announcer on those TV commercials. 628 00:38:10,626 --> 00:38:12,753 Wacky, waving, inflatable-arm-flailing tube man.! 629 00:38:12,862 --> 00:38:15,126 Wacky, waving, inflatable-arm-flailing tube man.! 630 00:38:15,231 --> 00:38:17,200 Wacky, waving, inflatable-arm-flailing tube man.! 631 00:38:17,301 --> 00:38:20,099 Hi, I'm Al Harrington, president and C.E.O. Of Al Harrington's... 632 00:38:20,204 --> 00:38:23,731 Wacky, Waving, Inflatable-Arm-Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse. 633 00:38:23,841 --> 00:38:26,366 Thanks to a shipping error, I am now currently overstocked... 634 00:38:26,477 --> 00:38:28,911 ...on wacky, waving inflatable-arm-flailing tube men... 635 00:38:29,012 --> 00:38:31,572 ...and I am passing the savings on to you! 636 00:38:31,682 --> 00:38:34,810 Attract customers to your business, make a splash at your next presentation... 637 00:38:34,918 --> 00:38:37,978 ...keep Grandma company, protect your crops, confuse your neighbors. 638 00:38:38,088 --> 00:38:42,388 African-American? Hail a cab, testify in church orjust raise the roof. 639 00:38:42,493 --> 00:38:45,758 Whatever your wacky, waving inflatable-arm-flailing tube man needs are. 640 00:38:45,863 --> 00:38:47,854 So, come on down to Al Harrington's... 641 00:38:47,965 --> 00:38:50,399 Wacky, Waving Inflatable-Arm-Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse. 642 00:38:50,501 --> 00:38:52,935 Route 2 in Weekapaug! 643 00:38:55,772 --> 00:38:58,707 Please forgive me, Mr. Oinkbaum. You will be missed. 644 00:38:58,809 --> 00:39:00,778 - There we are. - What are you doing? 645 00:39:00,879 --> 00:39:02,813 None of your bees wax, Ramona. 646 00:39:02,914 --> 00:39:06,008 But if you must know, I need a plane ticket to San Francisco. 647 00:39:06,117 --> 00:39:08,449 Good luck. Plane tickets are about 450 bucks. 648 00:39:08,553 --> 00:39:11,044 400- Brian, hit me in the mouth. 649 00:39:11,155 --> 00:39:13,783 - What? Why? - I hear this Tooth Fairy gives you money for your teeth. 650 00:39:13,892 --> 00:39:15,883 - Have at it. - Uh, okay. 651 00:39:15,994 --> 00:39:17,962 No, no! Don't, don't, don't! Stop. Stop. 652 00:39:18,062 --> 00:39:20,030 - Why did you stop? I said, "Hit me. " - You flinched. 653 00:39:20,131 --> 00:39:22,122 Well, of course I flinched. You were going to hit me. 654 00:39:22,233 --> 00:39:24,463 - Well, make up your mind. What do you want me to do? - Hit me. 655 00:39:24,569 --> 00:39:26,537 No, no. D-Don't. 656 00:39:26,638 --> 00:39:28,868 I'm sorry. Look, I know I'm being hard to read- 657 00:39:36,748 --> 00:39:39,546 Hey! You there! Buy this yellow drink. 658 00:39:39,651 --> 00:39:43,179 Hey, preggo. Preggo. Hey, I'm talkin' to you, tubby. 659 00:39:43,289 --> 00:39:45,723 Oh, don't you ignore me. Ooh! 660 00:39:45,824 --> 00:39:48,793 Pardon me, sir. Sir? Sir? Oh, the hell with this. 661 00:39:52,464 --> 00:39:55,297 So, we had to do it the hard way, hmm? 662 00:39:55,401 --> 00:39:58,859 Six bucks? Nice-looking wife you've got. 663 00:39:58,971 --> 00:40:01,337 Maybe I'll look her up while you're in the hospital. 664 00:40:01,440 --> 00:40:03,965 Don't forget your lemonade. 665 00:40:07,346 --> 00:40:09,439 Oh, there you are. I thought you should- 666 00:40:09,548 --> 00:40:11,607 - What are you doing? - Paying bills. 667 00:40:11,717 --> 00:40:14,151 - What bills? You have bills? - Well, there's cable and- 668 00:40:14,253 --> 00:40:17,814 - Peter pays for the cable! - It's at this, uh- It's at this girl's house. 669 00:40:17,923 --> 00:40:20,619 - Do you want something? - Yes. I'm still short for my trip. 670 00:40:20,726 --> 00:40:24,356 I've only got $200. I suggest you pony up the difference immediately... 671 00:40:24,464 --> 00:40:27,490 ...or I'll e-mail the contents of your hard drive to the F.B.I. 672 00:40:27,601 --> 00:40:29,626 What are you talking about? There's nothing on there. 673 00:40:33,607 --> 00:40:36,576 Stewie, why is it so hard to accept that Peter's your real father? 674 00:40:36,676 --> 00:40:38,667 Because he's an idiot. 675 00:40:38,778 --> 00:40:40,746 You remember that time he went to the Today show. 676 00:40:40,847 --> 00:40:43,748 Coming up on Today. Tom Cruise has a new movie. We're gonna be talking to him. 677 00:40:43,850 --> 00:40:45,750 Katie. 678 00:40:45,852 --> 00:40:48,753 - Funnyman Al Franken will be stopping by for a visit. - Katie! 679 00:40:48,855 --> 00:40:51,756 - And Wolfgang Puck shares his recipe for apple strudel. - Katie! 680 00:40:51,858 --> 00:40:55,817 So stay tuned because we've got all this and more coming up in the next hour. 681 00:40:55,929 --> 00:40:57,829 Katie! 682 00:40:57,931 --> 00:40:59,899 - What? - Oh, well, never mind. 683 00:41:02,502 --> 00:41:05,232 - Care to join me, Lois? - Ah! 684 00:41:05,338 --> 00:41:09,070 Uh, Peter, how am I supposed to- 685 00:41:09,176 --> 00:41:13,670 - Oh, oh, oh. Sorry. Sorry. Where are my manners? - Oh, What a gentleman. 686 00:41:15,716 --> 00:41:17,946 There ya go. 687 00:41:18,052 --> 00:41:21,453 - Oh! Oh, God. You okay, honey? - Yeah, I'm all right. 688 00:41:21,555 --> 00:41:23,750 Oh, this is nice. 689 00:41:23,858 --> 00:41:28,693 Mom, Meg says Omar Sharif is dead, but I think she's thinkin' of Anthony Quinn. 690 00:41:28,796 --> 00:41:31,094 Chris, your father and I are in the tub. 691 00:41:31,198 --> 00:41:33,792 And, Meg, you are thinking of Anthony Quinn. Now, get out! 692 00:41:33,901 --> 00:41:37,098 Peter, this is ridiculous. We have no privacy here. 693 00:41:37,204 --> 00:41:39,570 We gotta get those kids outta the house once in a while. 694 00:41:39,674 --> 00:41:42,575 - Shouldn't they be dating? - Aw, that doesn't solve the problem, Lois. 695 00:41:42,677 --> 00:41:45,805 If they start datin', I mean, their rooms are right next to each other. 696 00:41:45,913 --> 00:41:48,405 They'll start havin' sex. We'll never get 'em outta the house. 697 00:41:48,517 --> 00:41:52,078 No, no, you idiot. I'm talking about them dating other people. 698 00:41:52,187 --> 00:41:54,519 Look, I'm gonna start spending some time with Chris... 699 00:41:54,623 --> 00:41:56,887 ...and I'll show him how to attract a woman. 700 00:41:56,992 --> 00:41:59,119 Yeah, and I'll spend some time with Meg. 701 00:41:59,227 --> 00:42:01,320 I've spent lots of time with her... 702 00:42:01,430 --> 00:42:03,694 ...like when we went on our last crusade to find the Holy Grail. 703 00:42:03,799 --> 00:42:07,064 - Choose wisely. - Uh, I choose this one. 704 00:42:07,169 --> 00:42:09,262 - How did you know? - Well, I kinda figured... 705 00:42:09,371 --> 00:42:11,339 ...the coffee mug that says "Jesus. " 706 00:42:11,440 --> 00:42:13,965 - Oh, right. Right. - Pretty obvious. 707 00:42:14,076 --> 00:42:16,044 Great. Let's kiss on it. 708 00:42:16,144 --> 00:42:18,510 Come here, you. 709 00:42:21,283 --> 00:42:24,548 Oh! You bleedin'? Yeah, you're bleedin'. 710 00:42:26,688 --> 00:42:28,656 Don't tell me you're goin' to California on that. 711 00:42:28,757 --> 00:42:31,158 Bicycling is hard, but it has its benefits. 712 00:42:31,260 --> 00:42:34,787 Did you know Lance Armstrong is dating Sheryl Crow? 713 00:42:34,897 --> 00:42:37,798 You know, it really speaks to her character that she can get past... 714 00:42:37,900 --> 00:42:39,868 ...the whole "he had cancer" thing... 715 00:42:39,969 --> 00:42:42,062 ...and still find him sexually attractive. 716 00:42:42,171 --> 00:42:44,571 Really speaks to her character. L- I respect that. 717 00:42:44,674 --> 00:42:46,699 Hey, Brian, what do ya think of my sign? 718 00:42:46,809 --> 00:42:50,643 "Quagmire's Cross-country Tour. " Uh, isn't there an "O" in "country"? 719 00:42:50,747 --> 00:42:54,046 Nope. Look out, California. Here I come. 720 00:42:54,150 --> 00:42:56,175 California! 721 00:42:56,285 --> 00:42:58,310 - What are you doing? - Well, you heard Captain Syphilis. 722 00:42:58,421 --> 00:43:01,686 - We're going to California. - Oh, come on. You can't go alone with Quagmire. 723 00:43:01,791 --> 00:43:06,125 Look, I'll tell you what. If you're serious about this, I'll go with you. 724 00:43:06,229 --> 00:43:08,254 Although I should probably ask Peter and Lois if it's okay. 725 00:43:08,364 --> 00:43:11,094 Oh, they won't even know we're gone. 726 00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:13,931 Damn you, vile woman! Blast! What the deuce? 727 00:43:14,037 --> 00:43:16,665 I am a tool. Stewie is much better than me at everything... 728 00:43:16,774 --> 00:43:18,799 ...including arts and crafts and the guitar. 729 00:43:18,909 --> 00:43:20,934 I have no friends. 730 00:43:21,044 --> 00:43:24,673 - Glad you guys are joinin' me. - Did you guys see Three Men and a Baby? 731 00:43:24,782 --> 00:43:27,842 - Yeah. - There's a ghost in there behind the window. 732 00:43:27,951 --> 00:43:30,044 That's an urban legend. It's just a piece of cardboard. 733 00:43:30,154 --> 00:43:33,146 - No, it's a ghost. I heard. - You heard from who? 734 00:43:33,257 --> 00:43:35,248 - From, uh... Lois. - Yeah, right. 735 00:43:35,359 --> 00:43:37,327 - Cleveland? Death? - No. No. 736 00:43:37,427 --> 00:43:39,452 - Greased-up Deaf Guy? - He said that? 737 00:43:46,299 --> 00:43:48,665 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 738 00:43:51,070 --> 00:43:53,129 Ow! Damn it! 739 00:43:53,239 --> 00:43:55,401 - What are you doing? - Your knight was at king's rook six. 740 00:43:55,509 --> 00:43:58,569 No, my bishop was at king's rook six. My knight was at queen five. 741 00:43:58,679 --> 00:44:00,647 - No, no, no. It was- - Yes. Yes. 742 00:44:00,747 --> 00:44:02,772 No. In your dreams your knight was at queen five. 743 00:44:02,883 --> 00:44:04,851 - I was sitting right- - I saw right- 744 00:44:04,952 --> 00:44:06,920 - Yeah- - Oh! Look at that! Look at that! 745 00:44:07,020 --> 00:44:08,988 Now your knight is at refrigerator five. 746 00:44:09,089 --> 00:44:11,922 - That's real mature. - Yeah, well, who comes out a winner? Me. 747 00:44:12,025 --> 00:44:16,394 Griffin once again. 748 00:44:16,496 --> 00:44:19,021 Undefeated champion of the world! 749 00:44:24,071 --> 00:44:26,767 You know, San Francisco is a big place. 750 00:44:26,873 --> 00:44:28,966 Have you thought about how you're gonna find this guy? 751 00:44:29,076 --> 00:44:31,670 Simple, Brian. Look at this. 752 00:44:33,180 --> 00:44:36,912 My God! This poor fellow had relations with Lois. 753 00:44:37,018 --> 00:44:39,578 That's more disgusting than my cousin Quark Griffin. 754 00:44:39,687 --> 00:44:44,249 I'm watching your every move, Quark, so don't think you can get away with any law-breaking. 755 00:44:44,359 --> 00:44:46,384 - Yeah, yeah. Whatever, man. - I mean it! 756 00:44:46,494 --> 00:44:48,724 - You'll have me to deal with. - Ooh! I'm really scared. 757 00:44:48,830 --> 00:44:51,298 I could morph into a giant python and eat you alive. 758 00:44:51,399 --> 00:44:53,299 Hey, here's an idea- 759 00:44:53,401 --> 00:44:56,302 Why don't you morph into a guy with something interesting to talk about? 760 00:44:58,406 --> 00:45:02,399 Kids, your mother and I have decided we're gonna help you two get out in the dating world. 761 00:45:02,510 --> 00:45:04,068 That's right. 762 00:45:04,178 --> 00:45:07,079 Chris, I'm gonna show you how to be an affable, desirable young man... 763 00:45:07,181 --> 00:45:09,081 ...who doesn't smell like the inside of a wool hat. 764 00:45:09,183 --> 00:45:12,084 - Why you gotta break balls? - Meg, when I get through with you... 765 00:45:12,186 --> 00:45:14,780 ...you're gonna be beatin' guys off with both hands. 766 00:45:14,889 --> 00:45:17,790 - This is gonna be so fun! - Hey! Zip it. 767 00:45:17,892 --> 00:45:22,387 Rule number one: No speakee until the man speakee to you. 768 00:45:26,335 --> 00:45:28,235 I say, are we moving on yet? 769 00:45:28,337 --> 00:45:30,771 Just hang out, little guy. I'll see you in a while. 770 00:45:30,873 --> 00:45:34,001 Oh, very well. I suppose I'll go pump the chemical toilet. 771 00:45:34,109 --> 00:45:36,543 Apparently you're about to do the same. 772 00:45:38,981 --> 00:45:41,472 What the hell is taking him so long? 773 00:45:41,583 --> 00:45:43,813 I'm missing precious time with my father. 774 00:45:43,919 --> 00:45:46,387 Which one of these is the horn? 775 00:45:46,488 --> 00:45:48,251 That's not it. 776 00:45:48,357 --> 00:45:50,154 That's not it either. 777 00:45:51,493 --> 00:45:54,792 - Do something. - I'm afraid to press anything else. 778 00:45:56,098 --> 00:45:58,828 Okay, Meg, lesson one for attracting a man. 779 00:45:58,934 --> 00:46:02,302 - I want you to shave my back. - Eew! Why would I want to do that? 780 00:46:02,405 --> 00:46:07,001 Trust me, Meg. Shave a man's back for him and he'll purr like a walrus. 781 00:46:11,848 --> 00:46:14,749 All right, Chris, now that we've talked about kissing and cuddling... 782 00:46:14,851 --> 00:46:17,581 ...it's time to practice eating out... 783 00:46:17,687 --> 00:46:19,712 ...at a fancy restaurant! 784 00:46:25,161 --> 00:46:27,186 All right, that's it. 785 00:46:27,297 --> 00:46:30,198 Listen, you pervert, what the devil is taking so lo- 786 00:46:30,300 --> 00:46:32,632 - Good lord! - Oh, Stewie. Thank God. 787 00:46:32,736 --> 00:46:35,398 That cleaning lady cleaned me out. She took all my money. 788 00:46:35,505 --> 00:46:37,530 Grab those keys over there, will ya? 789 00:46:37,640 --> 00:46:39,540 What, these keys? These keys here? 790 00:46:39,642 --> 00:46:41,473 These the ones you want? Hmm? 791 00:46:41,578 --> 00:46:43,410 Up yours! 792 00:46:47,618 --> 00:46:50,519 What the hell are you doing? Where's Quagmire? 793 00:46:50,621 --> 00:46:53,419 - He said to go without him. - We're stealing the Winnebago, aren't we? 794 00:46:53,524 --> 00:46:55,492 Oh, you can read me like a book, Brian. 795 00:46:55,593 --> 00:46:57,493 Breaker-breaker, Sidewinder. This is Party Pooper. 796 00:46:57,595 --> 00:46:59,495 Don't want to be a ratchet jaw... 797 00:46:59,597 --> 00:47:02,259 ...but looks like we've got a seat cover feeding the bears in a chicken coop, come on. 798 00:47:12,243 --> 00:47:14,143 Dad, why are we just sitting here? 799 00:47:14,245 --> 00:47:16,145 Just give me a minute, Meg. 800 00:47:16,247 --> 00:47:19,580 - What am I supposed to be learning about dating from... Ahh. 801 00:47:19,683 --> 00:47:22,083 Oh, my God, Dad! You farted! 802 00:47:22,186 --> 00:47:25,088 - That is so nasty! - No! No, no, Meg! 803 00:47:25,190 --> 00:47:27,090 Meg, this is crucial. All right? 804 00:47:27,192 --> 00:47:30,992 The sexiest thing a woman can do for a man is learn to love his gas. 805 00:47:31,096 --> 00:47:32,996 Love the gas, Meg. Love it! 806 00:47:35,100 --> 00:47:37,500 No, Meg! No, no! This is why we're here. 807 00:47:37,602 --> 00:47:40,002 This is why we're here. This is why we're here. 808 00:47:41,606 --> 00:47:44,507 Chris, you've gotta learn how to talk to girls. 809 00:47:44,609 --> 00:47:48,943 So I'll ask you again: What are the names of the women on Sex and the City? 810 00:47:49,047 --> 00:47:52,039 Uh... Carrie... 811 00:47:52,150 --> 00:47:54,380 Miranda, uh... 812 00:47:54,486 --> 00:47:57,080 Samantha and... 813 00:47:57,189 --> 00:47:59,851 ...uh, Scrappy-Doo? 814 00:47:59,958 --> 00:48:02,119 - Hit him, Endo. - Aaah! Aaah! Aah! 815 00:48:02,227 --> 00:48:05,025 Bosley? Uh, Tootie? Uh, Sheena Easton? 816 00:48:05,130 --> 00:48:07,099 Aaah! Aaah! 817 00:48:08,701 --> 00:48:10,794 Think we should go back for Quagmire? 818 00:48:10,903 --> 00:48:13,030 He'll be all right. He's resourceful. 819 00:48:17,743 --> 00:48:20,109 Damn it! 820 00:48:21,447 --> 00:48:23,847 Yeah.! Okay.! Yeah.! 821 00:48:23,950 --> 00:48:26,851 That's it.! Again.! Yeah.! 822 00:48:28,821 --> 00:48:30,345 All right! 823 00:48:36,229 --> 00:48:38,129 - Are you all right? - Never better! 824 00:48:38,231 --> 00:48:41,132 I got some pep pills from a trucker at the last stop! 825 00:48:41,234 --> 00:48:43,327 - Keeps me awake! - You took pills? 826 00:48:43,436 --> 00:48:46,803 West coast turnarounds! Trucker said to only take one, but I took all of them! 827 00:48:46,906 --> 00:48:48,897 - Maybe you should slow down. - Why? We're making good time! 828 00:48:49,008 --> 00:48:50,909 - We're not even on the road! - Huh? 829 00:48:51,011 --> 00:48:53,411 - I said, we're not even on the road! - Don't need to be! 830 00:48:53,513 --> 00:48:55,310 Compass says west. That's where we're headed. 831 00:48:55,415 --> 00:48:57,815 - Stewie, we're in the middle of the desert. - I know! 832 00:48:57,918 --> 00:49:00,819 Imagine the nads on those guys who did this on a wagon! 833 00:49:00,921 --> 00:49:03,185 Pioneers, Brian! We share their spirit! Manifest Destiny! 834 00:49:03,290 --> 00:49:05,952 - All right, that's it. Give me the wheel. - Go to hell! 835 00:49:24,845 --> 00:49:27,746 This is horrible. 836 00:49:27,848 --> 00:49:31,512 - I'm so thirsty. - Oh, my God, Brian. Do you see what I see? 837 00:49:31,619 --> 00:49:33,780 A Dr. Pepper machine? 838 00:49:33,888 --> 00:49:35,719 Yes! Oh, I can taste it now! 839 00:49:44,666 --> 00:49:46,691 Damn it. It was a mirage. 840 00:49:46,801 --> 00:49:49,201 Oh, a RC Cola machine. 841 00:49:49,304 --> 00:49:51,704 - Oh, that's it! I give up! - What do you mean? 842 00:49:51,806 --> 00:49:54,707 I never should have attempted this in the first place. 843 00:49:54,809 --> 00:49:57,209 - It was stupid! - Hey, hey. Come on, now. 844 00:49:57,312 --> 00:50:00,213 - You've come this far. Haven't you? - It's no use! 845 00:50:00,315 --> 00:50:03,716 Even if my real father is out there, he probably doesn't want to see me. 846 00:50:05,820 --> 00:50:07,720 You gotta see this through to the end. 847 00:50:07,822 --> 00:50:10,222 Maybe this guy is your real father. Maybe not. 848 00:50:10,325 --> 00:50:13,557 But if you don't find out, you're gonna spend the rest of your life wondering. 849 00:50:13,662 --> 00:50:15,562 Well, maybe you're right. 850 00:50:15,664 --> 00:50:17,962 Come on. I'll stick by you the whole way... 851 00:50:18,067 --> 00:50:20,467 ...just like I did when we were Siamese twins. 852 00:50:20,569 --> 00:50:23,936 Hey, look at that woman, Brian. She has no business in shorts. 853 00:50:24,039 --> 00:50:26,405 Hey! You have no business in shorts! 854 00:50:26,508 --> 00:50:29,136 Ooh, tortillas! Let's do soft tacos tonight. 855 00:50:32,147 --> 00:50:35,048 Well, we've taught you well, children. It's in God's hands now. 856 00:50:35,150 --> 00:50:37,584 Now go to the mall and find yourself some dates. 857 00:50:37,686 --> 00:50:41,053 Find a girl who smokes. Remember, if she smokes, she pokes. 858 00:50:41,156 --> 00:50:43,056 Bye, kids. 859 00:50:43,158 --> 00:50:45,592 - Do you think they're ready, Peter? - I don't care. 860 00:50:45,694 --> 00:50:49,152 - All I care about is that we have our alone time. - Me too. 861 00:50:49,264 --> 00:50:52,791 - Are we terrible people? - Nah, nah. We're not terrible people, Lois. 862 00:50:52,901 --> 00:50:54,869 Horses are terrible people. 863 00:50:56,973 --> 00:50:58,964 Murder! Murder! 864 00:51:05,915 --> 00:51:08,110 Well, we made it. San Francisco. 865 00:51:08,218 --> 00:51:10,618 I bet this city's filled with kooky roommates... 866 00:51:10,720 --> 00:51:12,881 ...like the kind you see all living together on TV. 867 00:51:15,492 --> 00:51:18,393 - Hey, Lion-O, what's going on? - I'm not sure, Cheetara. 868 00:51:18,495 --> 00:51:21,396 But I've got a bad feeling Mumm-Ra's up to something. 869 00:51:21,498 --> 00:51:24,661 Hmm. I'll be right back. I'm gonna use the john. 870 00:51:24,768 --> 00:51:28,431 Eye of Thundera, give me sight beyond sight. 871 00:51:30,640 --> 00:51:34,132 Lion-O, what are you doing? Snarf! Snarf! 872 00:51:34,244 --> 00:51:37,145 Oh, hey, uh- Not much, not much. 873 00:51:37,247 --> 00:51:40,183 You want to get wasted or something? 874 00:51:47,058 --> 00:51:49,788 Let's split up and try to find him. 875 00:51:53,397 --> 00:51:56,798 Yeah, I just checked in. Yeah, I might lose you. I just got in the elevator. 876 00:51:56,901 --> 00:51:59,131 Yeah, I'm gonna grab a shower. 877 00:51:59,236 --> 00:52:01,796 D- Did you guys eat yet? 878 00:52:01,906 --> 00:52:04,807 No- No, I'll- No, I'll just take a cab. 879 00:52:04,909 --> 00:52:06,809 You got your car? 880 00:52:06,911 --> 00:52:08,936 Do you wanna pick me up? 881 00:52:09,046 --> 00:52:11,947 Do you- Do you wanna- Do you wanna pick me up? 882 00:52:12,049 --> 00:52:13,949 Do you wanna pick me up? 883 00:52:14,051 --> 00:52:16,815 Do you wanna pick me up? Do you wanna pick me up? 884 00:52:24,463 --> 00:52:26,954 Father! 885 00:52:40,745 --> 00:52:43,578 Aah! Utedi.! Utedi.! 886 00:52:43,682 --> 00:52:45,650 Filthy creatures. 887 00:53:03,069 --> 00:53:04,969 Whoa-ohh! 888 00:53:05,071 --> 00:53:07,471 Damn! Why is there always a fruit stand? 889 00:53:07,573 --> 00:53:09,473 High-speed pursuit in progress... 890 00:53:09,575 --> 00:53:11,475 ...headed south on Powell toward Market Street. 891 00:53:11,577 --> 00:53:14,375 You heard him, people. Powell and Market. Move it! 892 00:53:16,516 --> 00:53:19,417 I feel like I've searched this whole bloody city. 893 00:53:19,519 --> 00:53:22,920 I suppose this means I'll never find the answer to who I really am. 894 00:53:23,022 --> 00:53:24,922 Oh, well. See you gents later. 895 00:53:25,024 --> 00:53:26,924 Free Tibet. No grapes. All that. 896 00:53:27,026 --> 00:53:30,257 Dude, I could have sworn that Nerf football was just talkin' to me. 897 00:53:33,032 --> 00:53:35,762 - Are you done with the arts section? - Of course. 898 00:53:37,537 --> 00:53:40,097 - Oh, my God! - Oh, dear. 899 00:53:40,206 --> 00:53:42,106 Oh, dear, oh, dear. This is not good. 900 00:53:42,208 --> 00:53:44,108 This is very bad. Very bad. 901 00:53:44,210 --> 00:53:47,772 Oh, Daddy, I knew I'd find you! I knew Peter couldn't be my real father! 902 00:53:47,881 --> 00:53:50,213 No, no, no. You've gotten it all wrong, Stewie. 903 00:53:50,317 --> 00:53:52,285 Stewie? How do you know my name? 904 00:53:52,386 --> 00:53:55,116 Because I'm not your father. I'm you. 905 00:53:59,126 --> 00:54:01,026 What the hell is this? 906 00:54:01,128 --> 00:54:04,029 Looks like an intermission, a chance to stretch the legs. 907 00:54:04,131 --> 00:54:06,531 Oh, man, I peed in this cup for nothin'? 908 00:54:06,633 --> 00:54:09,033 Dad, I just kicked over your Coke. 909 00:54:09,136 --> 00:54:12,537 I look atrocious.! Did you see my ass? Oh, my God.! 910 00:54:12,639 --> 00:54:15,904 This stinks.! I can't believe they cut my whole sex scene.! 911 00:54:16,009 --> 00:54:17,909 It was so tastefully done.! 912 00:54:18,011 --> 00:54:20,912 Peter, could you go to the concession stand? I want something to suck on. 913 00:54:21,014 --> 00:54:22,914 Giggedy-giggedy.! 914 00:54:23,016 --> 00:54:26,417 Hey, Quagmire, you think we got time to go outside and burn one? 915 00:54:26,521 --> 00:54:28,921 It's not over yet? How long is this thing? 916 00:54:29,023 --> 00:54:32,925 Chris, do you have a shower scene? Or do I have to keep dreamin'? 917 00:54:33,027 --> 00:54:34,927 Mmm. 918 00:54:35,029 --> 00:54:36,792 All right, we're back. 919 00:54:40,768 --> 00:54:42,599 You're me from the future? That's absurd. 920 00:54:42,704 --> 00:54:44,604 I'm afraid it's true, Stewie. 921 00:54:44,706 --> 00:54:47,106 I'm the man you dreamed you'd be when you were alone in your bedroom... 922 00:54:47,208 --> 00:54:50,200 ...planning world domination and singing Donna Summer into your hairbrush. 923 00:54:50,311 --> 00:54:52,802 — Tell him to just get out — 924 00:54:52,914 --> 00:54:55,474 — Nothin' left to talk about — 925 00:54:55,583 --> 00:54:58,279 — Pack his raincoat Show him out — 926 00:54:58,386 --> 00:55:02,152 —Just look him in the eyes and simply shout — 927 00:55:02,257 --> 00:55:04,248 — Enough is enough Is enough — 928 00:55:04,359 --> 00:55:08,318 — I can't go on I can't go on no more now — 929 00:55:08,429 --> 00:55:10,193 — Enough is enough Is enough — 930 00:55:10,299 --> 00:55:14,565 — I want him out I want him out that door now —— 931 00:55:14,670 --> 00:55:16,570 It is you- Uh, me! 932 00:55:16,672 --> 00:55:20,199 Oh, God, I have to many questions about the future. Is all food in pill form? 933 00:55:20,309 --> 00:55:24,439 Do they have flying cars? Did they ever find a successful vehicle for Ellen Cleghorne? 934 00:55:24,546 --> 00:55:27,447 I can't answer those questions. I'm not even supposed to be talking to you. 935 00:55:27,549 --> 00:55:30,416 - It's a violation of the terms of my vacation. - Vacation? 936 00:55:30,519 --> 00:55:34,956 Yes. In the future, people take vacations not to destinations, but to periods of time. 937 00:55:35,057 --> 00:55:37,719 Just last summer I went back to visitJesus Christ. 938 00:55:37,826 --> 00:55:40,727 Turns out his abilities might have been exaggerated a bit. 939 00:56:01,718 --> 00:56:04,778 I've already said enough. I should be getting back. 940 00:56:04,888 --> 00:56:07,288 You can't just leave me. I must know my future. 941 00:56:07,390 --> 00:56:10,791 Sorry. It's against the rules. Good-bye, Stewie. 942 00:56:10,894 --> 00:56:12,953 Surprise! 943 00:56:14,064 --> 00:56:15,964 Oh, this is just great. 944 00:56:16,066 --> 00:56:18,296 I can't believe it! This is the future- 945 00:56:18,401 --> 00:56:20,494 Wait a minute. Everything looks the same. 946 00:56:20,603 --> 00:56:23,231 - Well, of course. It's only been 30 years. - Where are the monuments to me? 947 00:56:23,340 --> 00:56:25,240 Where are my legions of followers? 948 00:56:25,342 --> 00:56:29,506 I thought I'd be absolute ruler of the world by now, far away from that house full of idiots. 949 00:56:41,926 --> 00:56:44,827 Sorry, Stewie. I abandoned my quest for world domination long ago. 950 00:56:44,929 --> 00:56:47,830 Well, am I at least a city councilman or something? 951 00:56:47,932 --> 00:56:50,332 - Sorry. - Oh, this is nothing like I imagined. 952 00:56:50,434 --> 00:56:52,334 I thought the future would be different... 953 00:56:52,436 --> 00:56:55,496 ...with jet packs, eco-domes and TV they can beam right into your head. 954 00:56:55,606 --> 00:56:57,506 Uh, give me Mork and Mindy. 955 00:56:58,776 --> 00:57:02,007 That's not how you sit in a chair! 956 00:57:03,614 --> 00:57:05,514 I'm late to Sunday dinner with the family. 957 00:57:05,616 --> 00:57:08,517 You'll have to wait in the car until I can send you back. 958 00:57:08,619 --> 00:57:11,019 Wait in the car? I shall do no such thing. 959 00:57:11,122 --> 00:57:13,818 - Hey, did they ever unfreeze Walt Disney? - Ugh. Unfortunately. 960 00:57:13,924 --> 00:57:15,449 Welcome back, Mr. Disney. 961 00:57:15,560 --> 00:57:17,460 - Are theJews gone yet? - Uh, no. 962 00:57:17,562 --> 00:57:19,427 Put me back in. 963 00:57:21,466 --> 00:57:24,367 Put some pants on. The kids'll be here any minute. 964 00:57:24,469 --> 00:57:27,961 In a second, Lois. I'm watching the Britney Spears comeback concert. 965 00:57:28,073 --> 00:57:29,563 Hi, everybody! 966 00:57:29,674 --> 00:57:32,268 I may have lost a foot to diabetes... 967 00:57:32,377 --> 00:57:34,777 ...but I'm still sexy, y'all! 968 00:57:34,880 --> 00:57:37,041 Now I'm gonna dance for ya! 969 00:57:49,094 --> 00:57:52,257 - Oh, Stew. My big boy. - Hello, Mother! 970 00:57:52,364 --> 00:57:55,800 She's still alive? What the hell, man? 971 00:57:55,901 --> 00:57:57,802 I brought a guest. 972 00:57:57,904 --> 00:58:01,670 This is, um, uh, Pablo, a child from Nicaragua I've been sponsoring. 973 00:58:01,774 --> 00:58:03,742 My! How wonderful! 974 00:58:03,843 --> 00:58:05,367 Me gusta Nicaragua. 975 00:58:05,478 --> 00:58:07,912 Mmm, yes. Is that where you got that leather handbag? 976 00:58:08,014 --> 00:58:11,347 Oh, I'm sorry. That's your face! Ha ha! Oh! Got you! 977 00:58:11,451 --> 00:58:14,352 Thirty years later, I still freaking got you! 978 00:58:14,454 --> 00:58:18,322 Oh, God! I feel as invincible as Superman. 979 00:58:19,425 --> 00:58:21,325 Hey there, Wonder Woman. 980 00:58:21,427 --> 00:58:23,327 Flying your invisible plane, I see. 981 00:58:23,429 --> 00:58:25,693 Boy, this is awkward. 982 00:58:25,798 --> 00:58:29,325 I'm- I'm, uh, actually in the lavatory of the invisible plane. 983 00:58:29,435 --> 00:58:32,666 - Oh. You mean, right now you're- - Yeah. 984 00:58:38,411 --> 00:58:43,213 I couldn't help but notice you didn't wash your hands in the invisible sink. 985 00:58:43,317 --> 00:58:45,217 Hi, everybody. Sorry we're late. 986 00:58:45,319 --> 00:58:48,083 Stop fuckin' apologizing. You sound like a fuckin' woman. 987 00:58:48,188 --> 00:58:50,782 I suppose one of you has to. 988 00:58:50,891 --> 00:58:54,088 - Oh, what a nice blouse, Vanessa. - Chris's wife. 989 00:58:54,194 --> 00:58:56,924 Oh, thanks. I'm not sure my tiny brain could've put that one together. 990 00:58:57,030 --> 00:59:00,557 Mom, I notice your hedges are pushing out onto the curb, and that's a violation. 991 00:59:00,667 --> 00:59:03,568 And your tags are expired, and one of your taillights is busted. 992 00:59:03,670 --> 00:59:07,572 I'm not gonna run you in, but I will if you don't give me a cookie.! 993 00:59:07,674 --> 00:59:10,074 - Here you go, sweetie. - Yea! 994 00:59:10,177 --> 00:59:12,941 Yeah, that's what that fat pig needs- a fuckin' cookie. 995 00:59:13,046 --> 00:59:15,810 Hi, Vanessa. Well, don't you look nice- 996 00:59:15,916 --> 00:59:18,817 Oh, no! I broke my hip! 997 00:59:18,919 --> 00:59:21,080 - You need some help, Dad? - No, I'm good. 998 00:59:21,188 --> 00:59:23,817 Oh, are these the pictures from your trip to Sonoma? 999 00:59:23,925 --> 00:59:27,827 Oh, my God! Oh, look how beautiful the countryside is. 1000 00:59:27,929 --> 00:59:31,592 Oh, I'd love to get a house out there if I had the money! 1001 00:59:31,699 --> 00:59:36,432 That was a swell vacation. Much better than that time I was stuck on that island with Bono. 1002 00:59:37,539 --> 00:59:39,439 Bono, stop screwin' around... 1003 00:59:39,541 --> 00:59:41,372 ...and open up that damn crate of food. 1004 00:59:41,476 --> 00:59:44,536 I'm saving this for the starvin' children of the world in case we get rescued. 1005 00:59:44,646 --> 00:59:47,547 Yeah, you know what? That's us. We're starvin'. Now open it up! 1006 00:59:47,649 --> 00:59:51,107 - I can't do that, Peter. It's for the starvin' children. 1007 00:59:55,523 --> 00:59:57,423 Aha! 1008 00:59:57,525 --> 01:00:00,494 I'm just makin' sure it tastes good for the starvin' children. 1009 01:00:03,531 --> 01:00:05,227 Knock knock. 1010 01:00:05,334 --> 01:00:08,235 - Oh, hi, Ron. - Who is that fellow? He looks so familiar. 1011 01:00:08,337 --> 01:00:10,737 It's Meg. She had a sex change right after college. 1012 01:00:10,839 --> 01:00:12,739 Wow! She went to college? 1013 01:00:12,841 --> 01:00:15,742 I can't stay too late. I gotta go shop for a razor. 1014 01:00:15,844 --> 01:00:18,642 You know, for my face, where I grow my beard. 1015 01:00:18,747 --> 01:00:20,612 We get it. You're a guy. 1016 01:00:22,718 --> 01:00:26,119 - What is this one, my prom? - Oh, yes. That's Shirley Blitt. 1017 01:00:26,221 --> 01:00:29,987 We couldn't do any dancing because of her club foot, but the punch was delicious. 1018 01:00:30,092 --> 01:00:32,356 I think somebody put mango in it. 1019 01:00:32,461 --> 01:00:35,362 Isn't it funny that I remember that after all these years? 1020 01:00:37,066 --> 01:00:40,297 Well, there he is. 1021 01:00:40,402 --> 01:00:42,302 Oh, this is fantastic! 1022 01:00:42,404 --> 01:00:44,565 That's not really appropriate, Stewie. 1023 01:00:44,673 --> 01:00:47,575 Oh, of course it is. I loathed that know-it-all, flea-bitten mutt. 1024 01:00:47,677 --> 01:00:51,340 No, it's just that the meaning of that word has changed ever since President Douchebag. 1025 01:00:51,448 --> 01:00:53,143 Thank you! 1026 01:00:53,249 --> 01:00:56,810 I just received a call from my worthy opponent, Senator Daterape. 1027 01:00:56,920 --> 01:01:00,321 No, no. He ran a good campaign... 1028 01:01:00,423 --> 01:01:02,823 ...but the people of America have spoken... 1029 01:01:02,926 --> 01:01:06,885 ...and they're saying they want four more years of Douchebag! 1030 01:01:06,997 --> 01:01:10,489 Douchebag! Douchebag! Douchebag! Douchebag! 1031 01:01:13,603 --> 01:01:16,037 That is some fuckin' good dinner, Mrs. Griffin. 1032 01:01:16,139 --> 01:01:18,300 Thank you. 1033 01:01:18,408 --> 01:01:21,309 Excuse me. I'm gonna go help Peter with the dishes. 1034 01:01:21,411 --> 01:01:23,311 Ron, Stu, I need your help. 1035 01:01:23,413 --> 01:01:26,814 I need you two to tell those parents of yours they're moving into a retirement home... 1036 01:01:26,916 --> 01:01:29,818 'cause Mr. Empty Sac over here won't do it. 1037 01:01:29,920 --> 01:01:33,287 Stu, you don't want Mom and Dad to go to a retirement home, do you? 1038 01:01:33,391 --> 01:01:35,689 Well, u-uh, it's, uh- 1039 01:01:35,793 --> 01:01:38,694 I- Stu, could you help me with the dishes? 1040 01:01:38,796 --> 01:01:40,696 Be right there, Mother! 1041 01:01:40,798 --> 01:01:44,029 Actually, Vanessa- Stu, I need your help! There are dishes everywhere! 1042 01:01:44,135 --> 01:01:46,035 Oh, sorry. Must go. 1043 01:01:46,137 --> 01:01:48,799 Well, I can't do it to 'em. They're my parents. 1044 01:01:48,906 --> 01:01:51,466 Don't you ever want to inherit this house, you fat fuck? 1045 01:01:51,575 --> 01:01:55,011 Or am I the only one who has any desire to move out from under the fucking power lines? 1046 01:01:55,112 --> 01:01:57,012 What's that? Oh, it's cancer! 1047 01:01:57,114 --> 01:02:00,174 Can we please not do this in front of Pablo? 1048 01:02:00,284 --> 01:02:02,616 Ah, screw him! That fuckin' kid's from Guam. 1049 01:02:02,720 --> 01:02:04,620 Probably only speaks Spanish or some shit. 1050 01:02:04,722 --> 01:02:07,850 Let me tell you something, 'Nessa- a bullet sounds the same in every language. 1051 01:02:07,958 --> 01:02:10,427 So stick a fucking sock in it, you cow! 1052 01:02:12,798 --> 01:02:16,700 You can crash at my place tonight, but tomorrow we're going to get you back home. 1053 01:02:16,802 --> 01:02:19,236 Well, welcome to Chez Stu. 1054 01:02:20,272 --> 01:02:22,137 Dear God, this is where I live? 1055 01:02:22,240 --> 01:02:25,676 - All alone in a filthy hovel? - Well, I wouldn't exactly say "alone. " 1056 01:02:25,777 --> 01:02:28,007 Let me introduce my roommate. 1057 01:02:28,113 --> 01:02:30,013 He's sometimes late on the rent... 1058 01:02:30,115 --> 01:02:33,243 ...and never shy about sharing the gas bill, if you know what I mean. 1059 01:02:33,351 --> 01:02:35,717 Did you just make a fart joke? 1060 01:02:35,821 --> 01:02:37,721 Hey, Stu, got big plans for tonight? 1061 01:02:37,823 --> 01:02:40,690 Sure do, Rupert. I'm finally going to organize my photo albums. 1062 01:02:40,792 --> 01:02:42,623 Yeah, right! 1063 01:02:42,728 --> 01:02:45,856 I say, what happened to his leg? Oh, wait, now I remember. 1064 01:02:45,964 --> 01:02:49,525 You are gonna sit there and tell me a flat tax doesn't favor the wealthy? 1065 01:02:49,634 --> 01:02:52,034 Not one bit, and it saves millions of man-hours... 1066 01:02:52,137 --> 01:02:54,538 ...that the complexity of the current tax code wastes... 1067 01:02:54,640 --> 01:02:57,040 ...which you would realize if you weren't retarded. 1068 01:02:57,143 --> 01:02:59,202 Hey, give him back. Stop that. What are you doing? 1069 01:02:59,312 --> 01:03:01,837 - Give me back his leg. - Oh, you'll get it back. 1070 01:03:04,784 --> 01:03:08,413 This is my bulletin board where I put all my favorite comic strips. 1071 01:03:08,521 --> 01:03:10,421 See, look. Here's the Lockhorns. 1072 01:03:10,523 --> 01:03:14,254 Mrs. Lockhorn is saying, "We're never going to another yard sale," 1073 01:03:14,360 --> 01:03:17,261 ...because Mr. Lockhorn has clearly purchased a tuba! 1074 01:03:17,363 --> 01:03:19,763 And from the look on her face... 1075 01:03:19,866 --> 01:03:22,767 I'd say he's not playing it very well at all. 1076 01:03:22,869 --> 01:03:24,803 You get it? 1077 01:03:24,904 --> 01:03:27,304 You got these from Parade magazine? 1078 01:03:27,406 --> 01:03:30,864 You read Parade magazine? Ohhh! 1079 01:03:30,977 --> 01:03:35,779 Hey, Stu! It's Monday, which can only mean one thing! 1080 01:03:35,883 --> 01:03:38,909 Go-Gurt Day! 1081 01:03:39,019 --> 01:03:40,919 Oh, Fran, this is Pablo from Nicaragua. 1082 01:03:41,021 --> 01:03:44,479 Pablo, this is Fran. She is hilarious.! 1083 01:03:44,591 --> 01:03:47,924 Hey, Pablo. Just kiddin'! 1084 01:03:48,028 --> 01:03:50,394 I told you! She's so twisted! 1085 01:03:50,497 --> 01:03:52,897 Well, I'd better get back to my department... 1086 01:03:53,000 --> 01:03:55,491 ...before Genghis the day manager makes his rounds. 1087 01:03:55,602 --> 01:03:59,094 Genghis the day mana- Is that from something, or did you just make that up? 1088 01:03:59,206 --> 01:04:01,106 - I just made it up! - Oh-ho-ho! 1089 01:04:01,208 --> 01:04:03,472 Oh! All day long. 1090 01:04:03,577 --> 01:04:06,137 - Well, I guess it's not all bad. - What do you mean? 1091 01:04:06,246 --> 01:04:09,147 Don't be coy, you dirty horndog. You're humping Fran. 1092 01:04:09,249 --> 01:04:12,650 Tell me, how many times have we gotten into those Lane Bryant stretch pants? 1093 01:04:12,753 --> 01:04:15,654 - What? Never. - Damn right, never- What do you mean, never? 1094 01:04:15,756 --> 01:04:18,658 Stewie, I've never slept with any woman. 1095 01:04:18,760 --> 01:04:20,728 I've never had sex. 1096 01:04:21,930 --> 01:04:23,830 All right, that's it! 1097 01:04:23,932 --> 01:04:26,833 I could handle the crappy apartment and the pedestrian job. 1098 01:04:26,935 --> 01:04:30,336 But now you're telling me I'm a 35-year-old, Parade magazine-reading virgin? 1099 01:04:30,438 --> 01:04:32,338 Well, you, sir, are pathetic! 1100 01:04:32,440 --> 01:04:35,841 So forget about sending me back, because I'm not leaving until we do a complete overhaul... 1101 01:04:35,944 --> 01:04:38,344 ...on this sad thing you call a life. 1102 01:04:38,446 --> 01:04:40,744 - Can I still read Parade? - No, you cannot still read Parade! 1103 01:04:44,052 --> 01:04:46,953 We've got a big day of overhauling your life ahead. 1104 01:04:47,055 --> 01:04:49,455 First we've got to fix up this apartment- Stop that. 1105 01:04:49,557 --> 01:04:51,457 - What? - Why are you staring at my genitals? 1106 01:04:51,559 --> 01:04:54,289 I'm not allowed to tell you anything about your own future, but I will say this- 1107 01:04:54,395 --> 01:04:56,295 Enjoy your left testicle while you can. 1108 01:04:56,397 --> 01:04:58,297 - What? - I've said too much. 1109 01:05:00,236 --> 01:05:01,863 So, what do you think? 1110 01:05:01,971 --> 01:05:05,304 I've got to hand it to you. It really is an improvement. 1111 01:05:05,407 --> 01:05:07,807 And you haven't even seen the best part. 1112 01:05:07,910 --> 01:05:10,401 Stress-release candles for those extra-tough days at the office. 1113 01:05:10,512 --> 01:05:13,948 You don't know the half of it. On Tuesdays I work Returns. 1114 01:05:14,049 --> 01:05:17,644 I bought this boom box here, and it's got this high-pitched whine. 1115 01:05:17,753 --> 01:05:19,812 Well, let's have a look. 1116 01:05:19,922 --> 01:05:22,516 Ha-ha! It's yours now, sucker! 1117 01:05:22,625 --> 01:05:26,288 All right, now that you've got a swinging pad, it's time to bring Fran back here... 1118 01:05:26,395 --> 01:05:28,625 ...and, um, you know. 1119 01:05:29,698 --> 01:05:31,598 - What? - Well, I have no idea. 1120 01:05:31,700 --> 01:05:34,100 - I thought you knew. - No, I have no idea. 1121 01:05:34,203 --> 01:05:37,104 You're the adult here. I was counting on you to know the mechanics, because- 1122 01:05:37,206 --> 01:05:40,642 Well, let's face it, as a baby all I've got to go on is beer commercial innuendo... 1123 01:05:40,743 --> 01:05:42,712 ...and that myth about where babies come from. 1124 01:05:44,714 --> 01:05:46,978 Oh, my God! The stork! 1125 01:05:51,388 --> 01:05:53,288 Where's my baby? 1126 01:05:53,390 --> 01:05:56,291 Sweetie, you and me are gonna make the baby. 1127 01:06:01,231 --> 01:06:03,131 Which Law and Order is this? 1128 01:06:03,233 --> 01:06:06,794 This is Law and Order: P.C.A.M.P.I.E.O.F. T.D. - 1129 01:06:06,903 --> 01:06:10,464 Petty Crimes Against Municipal Property In Excess of Five Thousand Dollars. 1130 01:06:10,573 --> 01:06:12,473 Oh, that kid's spraying graffiti. 1131 01:06:12,575 --> 01:06:15,135 That is not gonna be cheap to have that wall repainted. 1132 01:06:15,245 --> 01:06:17,145 Kids, what are you doing here? 1133 01:06:17,247 --> 01:06:20,808 Mom, Dad, Vanessa wants us to put you guys in a retirement home. 1134 01:06:20,917 --> 01:06:22,817 But I think it's ridiculous. 1135 01:06:22,919 --> 01:06:24,820 A retirement home? 1136 01:06:24,922 --> 01:06:27,356 Now, Vanessa says it's not that bad, Mom. 1137 01:06:27,458 --> 01:06:30,188 She says they have people there who will wipe your bottom. 1138 01:06:30,294 --> 01:06:32,626 You gotta be yankin' me. That is sweet! 1139 01:06:32,730 --> 01:06:34,630 That doesn't sound ridiculous at all, Meg. 1140 01:06:34,732 --> 01:06:36,893 My name is Ron. 1141 01:06:37,001 --> 01:06:41,199 Oh, I wish Brian were here. He'd never let you put us in a home. 1142 01:06:41,305 --> 01:06:44,206 Oh, but at least he's in a better place now. 1143 01:06:44,308 --> 01:06:46,208 Wow, look at me. 1144 01:06:46,310 --> 01:06:49,711 Hanging out drinking with Ernest Hemingway, Van Gogh and Kurt Cobain. 1145 01:06:49,814 --> 01:06:53,215 Still, it feels like we all got here a little earlier than we should have. 1146 01:06:53,317 --> 01:06:57,447 Well, I finally collapsed under the weight of my own genius and shot myself. 1147 01:06:57,555 --> 01:06:59,455 I could not reconcile my passion... 1148 01:06:59,557 --> 01:07:02,958 ...with the way people around me were living, so I shot myself. 1149 01:07:03,060 --> 01:07:05,962 I hated the thought of my music becoming part of some bland corporate mechanism... 1150 01:07:06,064 --> 01:07:07,964 ...so I shot myself. 1151 01:07:08,066 --> 01:07:11,695 Yeah, I, uh, I got into the garbage and ate some chocolate. 1152 01:07:15,407 --> 01:07:17,307 My word! 1153 01:07:17,409 --> 01:07:20,810 Yes, evidently the razor wasn't invented till sometime in the late '80s. 1154 01:07:20,912 --> 01:07:22,812 Okay, then let's begin. 1155 01:07:22,914 --> 01:07:25,314 And here we go. And watch my hand. And one, two, three. 1156 01:07:25,417 --> 01:07:28,409 Put it in, take it out. Put it in, take it out. 1157 01:07:28,520 --> 01:07:30,181 — I am the monarch of the sea — 1158 01:07:30,288 --> 01:07:32,051 — The ruler of the queen's navy — 1159 01:07:32,157 --> 01:07:33,818 — Whose praise Great Britain loudly chants — 1160 01:07:33,925 --> 01:07:35,688 — And we are his sisters and his cousins and his aunts —— 1161 01:07:35,794 --> 01:07:40,060 Good, you've got the rhythm. Now try it with Swiss cheese. Take it from the top. 1162 01:07:49,108 --> 01:07:51,008 I really enjoyed the movie tonight. 1163 01:07:51,110 --> 01:07:54,011 - And I'm not tired at all. - Oh, yeah? Good, good. 1164 01:07:54,113 --> 01:07:56,081 I enjoyed the movie too. 1165 01:07:57,717 --> 01:08:01,244 Oh, hey, I hear they're extending our store hours until 9:30. 1166 01:08:01,354 --> 01:08:03,254 Oh, that's, um- 1167 01:08:03,356 --> 01:08:05,256 ...that's great. 1168 01:08:05,358 --> 01:08:06,916 - Let's have sex! - What? - Definitely! 1169 01:08:07,026 --> 01:08:08,618 I'll be right back. 1170 01:08:08,728 --> 01:08:12,129 - What is wrong with you? I can't go through with this. - Why the hell not? 1171 01:08:12,231 --> 01:08:14,131 L- I-I'm too nervous. 1172 01:08:14,233 --> 01:08:16,133 I'm putting in my diaphragm.! 1173 01:08:16,235 --> 01:08:19,136 - See? I don't even know what that is. - Get in there! 1174 01:08:19,238 --> 01:08:21,138 - No! No! - You listen to me. 1175 01:08:21,240 --> 01:08:23,140 You listen to me, Stewart Griffin. 1176 01:08:23,242 --> 01:08:25,142 You march in there right now and... 1177 01:08:25,244 --> 01:08:27,405 "insert your phallus into her vagina. " 1178 01:08:27,513 --> 01:08:29,481 Go! 1179 01:08:32,619 --> 01:08:35,019 L- I'm sorry. That's, um- 1180 01:08:35,122 --> 01:08:37,022 That's never happened to me before. 1181 01:08:37,124 --> 01:08:41,026 Which part? The eight seconds of sex, or the 40 minutes of crying? 1182 01:08:41,128 --> 01:08:43,028 Uh, I guess both. 1183 01:08:44,298 --> 01:08:47,199 Do I- Do I give you money or something? 1184 01:08:47,301 --> 01:08:49,269 Yeah, I'm gonna go. 1185 01:08:52,372 --> 01:08:55,273 Eight seconds! That's twice as good as you did in rehearsal. 1186 01:08:55,375 --> 01:08:59,277 Stu, I heard from Juan in Car Stereo Installation about what you did to Fran. 1187 01:08:59,379 --> 01:09:01,279 Interoffice sex is prohibited... 1188 01:09:01,381 --> 01:09:04,441 ...regardless of how hilariously brief and unsatisfying it was. 1189 01:09:04,551 --> 01:09:06,451 You're fired. 1190 01:09:06,553 --> 01:09:09,454 - Fired? Oh, this is not good. - Oh, dear. 1191 01:09:09,556 --> 01:09:14,358 This is almost as bad as when Peter got fired as the first director of Terms of Endearment. 1192 01:09:14,462 --> 01:09:16,862 Kids, I don't have much time left... 1193 01:09:16,965 --> 01:09:19,866 ...and I can't talk for too long 'cause I get real upset. 1194 01:09:19,968 --> 01:09:22,368 I want you to make a lot of friends... 1195 01:09:22,470 --> 01:09:26,372 ...and be real nice to the girls- They're gonna be real important to you after I'm gone. 1196 01:09:26,474 --> 01:09:28,442 Sweet. 1197 01:09:32,080 --> 01:09:34,981 Oh, cheer up. You didn't need that crappy job anyway. 1198 01:09:35,083 --> 01:09:38,143 You are not allowed to speak. You have ruined everything! 1199 01:09:38,253 --> 01:09:42,155 Nice. I donate my time trying to fix your pathetic life, and this is the thanks I get? 1200 01:09:42,257 --> 01:09:45,158 Well, it's not the first gift that's ever gone unappreciated. 1201 01:09:45,260 --> 01:09:47,160 Merry Christmas, sweetheart. 1202 01:09:47,262 --> 01:09:49,662 Oh, Peter, thank you! 1203 01:09:49,764 --> 01:09:53,097 An arcade-style Galaga machine. 1204 01:09:53,201 --> 01:09:55,102 Oh, thank you, Peter- 1205 01:09:55,204 --> 01:09:57,798 Move! 1206 01:09:57,907 --> 01:10:01,308 Look, all right, I'll admit that maybe things haven't gone exactly to plan. 1207 01:10:01,410 --> 01:10:04,311 We'll go home and regroup and hit 'em hard tomorrow. 1208 01:10:04,413 --> 01:10:06,574 Good lord! My apartment! 1209 01:10:08,684 --> 01:10:11,881 Looks like the cause of the fire were these stress-release candles. 1210 01:10:11,987 --> 01:10:14,547 Huh! — Irony — 1211 01:10:20,863 --> 01:10:23,764 I don't know, Peter. This place is pretty depressing. 1212 01:10:23,866 --> 01:10:26,767 What are you talking about? It's just like old times. Hey, Cleveland. 1213 01:10:26,869 --> 01:10:30,464 Hello... 1214 01:10:30,573 --> 01:10:32,939 Peter. 1215 01:10:33,042 --> 01:10:34,942 Hey, Joe, how are things since the operation? 1216 01:10:35,044 --> 01:10:37,445 Oh, great, Peter. 1217 01:10:37,547 --> 01:10:40,710 Who would have guessed I'd be one of the few not in a wheelchair? 1218 01:10:40,817 --> 01:10:42,717 I sure do miss Bonnie though. 1219 01:10:42,819 --> 01:10:45,049 It's amazing they were able to give you her legs. 1220 01:10:45,155 --> 01:10:48,989 — Who wears short shorts — I wear short shorts! 1221 01:10:49,092 --> 01:10:51,356 Hey, Glenn. How's the arthritis? 1222 01:10:51,461 --> 01:10:54,362 Ah, not bad. Course, since you walked in I'm feelin' a little stiff! 1223 01:10:54,464 --> 01:10:57,365 Giggedy-gigg- Oh! I just pooped a little. 1224 01:10:57,467 --> 01:11:01,301 Oh, that's nasty. 1225 01:11:03,173 --> 01:11:06,574 Um, hey, you know what I do when I'm feeling down? 1226 01:11:06,676 --> 01:11:08,576 I play the glad game. 1227 01:11:08,678 --> 01:11:12,079 I think about all the things that make me glad. Let's try it, shall we? 1228 01:11:12,182 --> 01:11:15,083 Um... Pinwheels. 1229 01:11:15,185 --> 01:11:18,211 A big wedge of cake from the fair. 1230 01:11:19,390 --> 01:11:22,325 A doodad to wear in your hat. 1231 01:11:23,461 --> 01:11:25,861 All right, I'm sorry. It's all my fault. 1232 01:11:25,963 --> 01:11:27,863 No, it's my fault. 1233 01:11:27,965 --> 01:11:30,490 My whole life's been a mess ever since that near-death experience. 1234 01:11:30,601 --> 01:11:33,001 - I mean, nothing goes right- - Wait, wait, wait. 1235 01:11:33,104 --> 01:11:36,005 Near-death experience? At the community pool? 1236 01:11:36,107 --> 01:11:39,008 - But that was nothing. - Well, that's what I thought at first. 1237 01:11:39,110 --> 01:11:42,409 But around the time of my 20th birthday I started having nightmares. 1238 01:11:42,513 --> 01:11:45,414 Then my therapist said I've been suppressing some very complex emotions... 1239 01:11:45,516 --> 01:11:47,711 ...that may well have caused me to take fewer risks. 1240 01:11:47,818 --> 01:11:50,480 Well, then, it seems there's only one thing to do. 1241 01:11:50,588 --> 01:11:52,488 I must return to the past... 1242 01:11:52,590 --> 01:11:55,491 ...to ensure I never have the close call with that lifeguard tower in the first place. 1243 01:11:55,593 --> 01:11:58,494 Oh, I just thought of another one for the glad game. 1244 01:11:58,596 --> 01:12:02,260 The first scissor cut into a fresh piece of construction paper. 1245 01:12:02,367 --> 01:12:04,335 Oh, yeah! 1246 01:12:06,438 --> 01:12:08,099 Here's what we do. 1247 01:12:08,206 --> 01:12:11,107 You buy me one of those time-travel watches... 1248 01:12:11,209 --> 01:12:14,110 ...and I'll go back to my own time and stop that near-death experience. 1249 01:12:14,212 --> 01:12:17,807 - I can't afford one. I don't have a job, thanks to you. - How hard is it to get a new job? 1250 01:12:17,916 --> 01:12:19,884 Even I had that job at the airport. 1251 01:12:20,986 --> 01:12:22,886 Jonny Quest. 1252 01:12:22,988 --> 01:12:24,888 Okay. Welcome aboard. 1253 01:12:24,990 --> 01:12:26,890 Dr. Benton Quest. 1254 01:12:26,992 --> 01:12:29,392 All right. Have a good flight. 1255 01:12:29,494 --> 01:12:31,394 Hadji. Hmm. 1256 01:12:31,496 --> 01:12:34,431 Um, listen, you've been randomly selected for additional screening. 1257 01:12:34,533 --> 01:12:36,524 But you didn't even type anything in. 1258 01:12:36,635 --> 01:12:38,865 If it were up to me, you'd be on that flight. 1259 01:12:38,970 --> 01:12:43,408 But, uh, I'm gonna need you to take off your shoes and that lovely, uh, hat. 1260 01:12:43,509 --> 01:12:46,706 - Sim-sim-salabim.! - Yeah, I'd cut back on that. 1261 01:12:46,813 --> 01:12:49,145 We'll have to borrow the money from Mommy and Daddy. 1262 01:12:49,248 --> 01:12:51,148 - Aaah! - Never call them that again! 1263 01:12:51,250 --> 01:12:54,481 - It's Lois and the fat man! Do you hear me? - Yes! Yes! 1264 01:12:54,587 --> 01:12:57,488 Smells like Head & Shoulders. But you don't have dandruff. 1265 01:12:57,590 --> 01:13:00,423 - Exactly! - Ah! 1266 01:13:02,995 --> 01:13:06,294 - And now here's Diane with a look at traffic. - Thanks, Tom. 1267 01:13:06,399 --> 01:13:09,300 There was a major pile-up in the ambulatory wing this morning... 1268 01:13:09,402 --> 01:13:11,802 ...when one of the residents vomited in the hallway. 1269 01:13:11,904 --> 01:13:15,396 And in international news, I'm fairly certain that Filipino nurse is stealing from me. 1270 01:13:16,442 --> 01:13:18,342 Oh, hey, you two. 1271 01:13:18,444 --> 01:13:21,345 - What brings you here? - Lois, Pablo here needs your help. 1272 01:13:21,447 --> 01:13:23,347 Can we drop the whole Pablo thing? 1273 01:13:23,449 --> 01:13:28,012 - Do you think I don't remember my own little Stewie? - You clever, clever shrew! 1274 01:13:28,122 --> 01:13:30,590 Stu, you could get in a lot of trouble for this. 1275 01:13:30,691 --> 01:13:32,591 Take him back to his own time. 1276 01:13:32,693 --> 01:13:35,526 Well, that's why we're here. I need a loan. 1277 01:13:35,629 --> 01:13:38,530 Done. This is a secret account Peter can't access. 1278 01:13:38,632 --> 01:13:41,032 I never could trust him with money. 1279 01:13:41,135 --> 01:13:44,127 Like the time he spent Meg's college money on that medieval catapult. 1280 01:13:44,238 --> 01:13:46,832 Hey! 1281 01:13:46,940 --> 01:13:51,775 Excellent. These dominoes are set up exactly as I want them, right next to the good china. 1282 01:13:51,879 --> 01:13:54,780 Now I'll just place this priceless Fabergι egg in the center... 1283 01:13:54,882 --> 01:13:57,282 ...right next to my newborn hemophiliac baby. 1284 01:13:59,052 --> 01:14:00,952 - Hey, those yours? - Yes. 1285 01:14:01,054 --> 01:14:02,954 Oh. Those are all really nice things. 1286 01:14:03,056 --> 01:14:06,651 Thank you. You hear that, Evan? We were complimented. 1287 01:14:06,760 --> 01:14:09,662 Take as much money as you need, but there's a couple of conditions. 1288 01:14:09,764 --> 01:14:14,167 On your way back to the past, make sure Chris never marries that bitch Vanessa. 1289 01:14:14,269 --> 01:14:18,672 And I want a promise that I won't spend my old age in a place like this. 1290 01:14:18,773 --> 01:14:23,176 Oh, believe me, Lois, I promise you will never end up in a retirement home. 1291 01:14:40,428 --> 01:14:42,328 All right, let's do this. 1292 01:14:47,035 --> 01:14:49,128 Well, I suppose this is it. 1293 01:14:49,238 --> 01:14:53,641 I just hit me that if you are successful in preventing our near-death experience... 1294 01:14:53,742 --> 01:14:56,302 ...it'll turn me into an entirely different Stu. 1295 01:14:56,412 --> 01:14:58,312 Then you know what you should do? 1296 01:14:58,414 --> 01:15:01,815 Since the time line is going to change anyway, you should get really fat. 1297 01:15:01,917 --> 01:15:07,378 Go buy a whole pint of ice cream and shovel down the whole thing. I mean, just really pig out. 1298 01:15:07,490 --> 01:15:09,390 Ooh, that's brilliant! 1299 01:15:09,492 --> 01:15:13,053 Hey, and if the city thinks I'm paying this parking ticket, they are dreaming! 1300 01:15:16,532 --> 01:15:19,501 No, I'm not really gonna do it, you know, just in case. 1301 01:15:20,669 --> 01:15:23,467 - Good-bye, Stewie. - So long, Stu. 1302 01:15:27,309 --> 01:15:30,710 And if anyone has any objection to this union of Chris and Vanessa... 1303 01:15:30,813 --> 01:15:33,783 ...let them speak now or forever hold their peace. 1304 01:15:35,085 --> 01:15:36,746 Uh, I do. 1305 01:15:40,190 --> 01:15:43,626 So, don't let this keep you from enjoying the reception... 1306 01:15:43,727 --> 01:15:46,127 ...where I'm sure they'll be playing the Chicken Dance. 1307 01:15:46,229 --> 01:15:48,959 So enjoy the Chicken Dance. 1308 01:15:50,400 --> 01:15:53,699 Damn! I overshot it! 1309 01:15:53,803 --> 01:15:56,897 1974. University of Denver. 1310 01:15:57,007 --> 01:15:59,567 I say, Condoleezza Rice goes here. 1311 01:15:59,676 --> 01:16:05,205 Damn! I ain't never gonna let the Man get me down, crazy crackers! 1312 01:16:05,315 --> 01:16:07,977 Black Panthers stand tall! 1313 01:16:09,185 --> 01:16:11,085 Mmm! 1314 01:16:16,227 --> 01:16:18,127 Blast! This isn't the pool either! 1315 01:16:18,229 --> 01:16:20,823 But at least I've arrived on the correct date. 1316 01:16:21,999 --> 01:16:25,230 Only 30 minutes before the tower falls! 1317 01:16:28,639 --> 01:16:31,267 Damn! I've got to get to that swim meet! 1318 01:16:37,315 --> 01:16:39,283 Huh? 1319 01:16:43,020 --> 01:16:46,421 Hi. Stewie Griffin. Stewie Griffin. Hi. How are you? 1320 01:16:49,060 --> 01:16:50,960 Huh? 1321 01:16:51,062 --> 01:16:53,223 Smells good. Dinner's ready. 1322 01:17:25,964 --> 01:17:29,491 Probably shouldn't have milked that landing. 1323 01:17:41,948 --> 01:17:43,848 Don't... press that. 1324 01:17:43,950 --> 01:17:47,477 Future... 35-year-old virgin... 1325 01:17:47,587 --> 01:17:50,351 Fran! Fran! 1326 01:17:50,456 --> 01:17:52,424 - Fran! - What the devil? 1327 01:17:53,760 --> 01:17:56,160 Yes! I did it! I stopped the tower from falling! 1328 01:17:56,262 --> 01:17:58,162 - Who are you? - I'm you, from the future. 1329 01:17:58,264 --> 01:18:00,164 From the future? My word! 1330 01:18:00,266 --> 01:18:03,167 Did they ever find a successful vehicle for Ellen Cleghorne? 1331 01:18:03,269 --> 01:18:06,670 Oh, that's so funny. I asked that very same question and never got an answer. 1332 01:18:06,773 --> 01:18:08,832 Well, then you're as disposable as she is! 1333 01:18:08,941 --> 01:18:10,841 Oh, come on, my little champion. 1334 01:18:10,943 --> 01:18:13,810 Oh, my God! At least have the decency to carry me, you lazy skank! 1335 01:18:13,913 --> 01:18:15,813 Of course, it is comfortable- 1336 01:18:17,917 --> 01:18:22,287 Hey, thanks again for explaining football to me, Mr. - Sorry. I didn't catch your name. 1337 01:18:22,389 --> 01:18:25,290 - You can call me Ron. - Ron, huh? 1338 01:18:25,392 --> 01:18:29,556 You know, I've always really liked that name- Ron. 1339 01:18:47,014 --> 01:18:49,448 Oh. Oh. Oh, come on. 1340 01:18:49,550 --> 01:18:51,450 Come on. Come on! 1341 01:18:51,552 --> 01:18:53,782 Come on! Oh! Oh! That's it! 1342 01:18:53,887 --> 01:18:57,323 That's it. That's it. Yes. Yes! Yes! 1343 01:18:57,424 --> 01:18:59,324 Eat my dust, Crash Bandicoot! 1344 01:18:59,426 --> 01:19:01,826 - Tom, you're on in two. - Good evening. 1345 01:19:01,929 --> 01:19:04,660 For you people just joining us after fast-forwarding through the "movie"... 1346 01:19:04,766 --> 01:19:06,666 ...to get to the extra material... 1347 01:19:06,768 --> 01:19:08,759 ...we're covering the Family Guy wrap party. 1348 01:19:08,870 --> 01:19:10,770 We're going live to the Drunken Clam... 1349 01:19:10,872 --> 01:19:14,171 ...where Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa is having a few drinks... 1350 01:19:14,275 --> 01:19:16,243 ...and reportedly loved the movie long time. 1351 01:19:16,344 --> 01:19:19,245 - Tricia? - Thank you, Diane. 1352 01:19:19,347 --> 01:19:23,977 I think "mildly entertained" would be the best way to describe the reaction... 1353 01:19:24,085 --> 01:19:25,985 ...here at the after-party. 1354 01:19:26,087 --> 01:19:30,490 Horace the bartender has really outdone himself with the decorations. 1355 01:19:30,592 --> 01:19:34,494 There are balloons and streamers. 1356 01:19:34,596 --> 01:19:38,464 Now let's get some reactions from these huge Family Guy fans. 1357 01:19:38,566 --> 01:19:40,466 How'd you like the movie, sir? 1358 01:19:40,568 --> 01:19:42,763 It sucked. Big whoop. Wanna fight about it? 1359 01:19:42,871 --> 01:19:46,103 Who do I see about getting the last two hours of my life back? 1360 01:19:46,208 --> 01:19:49,109 If I wanted to hear 81 minutes of gay bashin'... 1361 01:19:49,211 --> 01:19:51,441 I would've gone to my father's house. 1362 01:19:51,547 --> 01:19:55,506 Terrific. And here comes the family of the hour. 1363 01:19:58,821 --> 01:20:01,722 Will there be a sequel? Is it true you're running for mayor? 1364 01:20:01,824 --> 01:20:04,622 Do you think Capone and his cronies will rule the streets of Chicago forever? 1365 01:20:05,728 --> 01:20:08,060 I'm standing here with Peter Griffin. 1366 01:20:08,164 --> 01:20:10,598 Peter, congratulations on your big night. 1367 01:20:10,699 --> 01:20:12,599 Thank you. Thank you very much. 1368 01:20:12,701 --> 01:20:14,896 Hey, how's Mr. Eddie's father doin'? 1369 01:20:15,004 --> 01:20:16,904 That's fresh. 1370 01:20:17,006 --> 01:20:19,372 Peter, how do you respond to the accusations... 1371 01:20:19,475 --> 01:20:22,376 ...that you were responsible for the series' cancellation? 1372 01:20:22,478 --> 01:20:24,378 Well, the show had been on for a while. 1373 01:20:24,480 --> 01:20:28,383 I was talking to Alan Alda, and he said the same thing that Doc Cosby told me- 1374 01:20:28,485 --> 01:20:32,285 ...that it was my face out there, and I should take creative control. 1375 01:20:32,389 --> 01:20:36,849 So I did. We pushed the envelope, creatively, and I stand by my work. 1376 01:20:38,962 --> 01:20:41,863 Peter, can we cut? This isn't workin' for me. 1377 01:20:41,965 --> 01:20:44,866 Who yells cut, Cleveland? The only one who yells cut is the director. 1378 01:20:44,968 --> 01:20:47,869 Look, if you want me to fuck this chick, I'll fuck her. 1379 01:20:47,971 --> 01:20:50,872 But don't make me go through all this bullshit. 1380 01:20:50,974 --> 01:20:53,602 You're showin' a real ugly side, Griffin. 1381 01:20:53,710 --> 01:20:55,610 Did I miss my cue? 1382 01:20:55,712 --> 01:20:59,113 Although I probably pushed things too far when I did the incest episode. 1383 01:21:01,218 --> 01:21:03,345 - Hi, Mom. - Hi, Chris. 1384 01:21:04,988 --> 01:21:07,286 Wrong! It's wrong! 1385 01:21:07,390 --> 01:21:10,792 Still, that said, I'm not the one who put us up against Friends and Survivor. 1386 01:21:10,895 --> 01:21:12,795 What have you been doing since? 1387 01:21:12,897 --> 01:21:15,161 I had a couple of part-time jobs that didn't work out. 1388 01:21:16,667 --> 01:21:20,228 I thought you could go in the suit, like the astronauts. 1389 01:21:21,505 --> 01:21:23,405 I thought you could go in the suit... 1390 01:21:23,507 --> 01:21:25,031 ...like the astronauts. 1391 01:21:26,477 --> 01:21:28,377 - Hey, I gotta take a leak. - Peter! 1392 01:21:28,479 --> 01:21:30,538 If you open that suit, you'll die. 1393 01:21:30,648 --> 01:21:33,617 Right, right. What are you trying to do, get me fired? 1394 01:21:39,357 --> 01:21:42,190 And your wife Lois is looking very lovely. 1395 01:21:42,293 --> 01:21:44,158 How does it feel to be back? 1396 01:21:44,262 --> 01:21:48,665 It feels good. It was a very dark period for me for a while. 1397 01:21:48,766 --> 01:21:50,666 - License and registration. - Fuck you! 1398 01:21:50,768 --> 01:21:52,669 Do you know who I am? 1399 01:21:52,771 --> 01:21:54,671 I'm afraid I don't, ma'am. 1400 01:21:54,773 --> 01:21:56,673 Please give me your license and registration. 1401 01:21:56,775 --> 01:21:59,676 - Ma'am, what are you doing? - I'm gonna kick your ass. 1402 01:21:59,778 --> 01:22:02,008 Oww! Oww! 1403 01:22:09,354 --> 01:22:11,288 All right! 1404 01:22:11,390 --> 01:22:13,688 So, who's gettin' married, huh? You? 1405 01:22:13,792 --> 01:22:17,193 All right, sweetheart. We're gonna have some fun. 1406 01:22:17,296 --> 01:22:20,424 Here we go! 1407 01:22:30,876 --> 01:22:32,810 Aah! 1408 01:22:34,314 --> 01:22:37,215 How do I know if I want it if I can't taste it? 1409 01:22:37,317 --> 01:22:39,478 - Do you know who I am? - Bonnie Franklin? 1410 01:22:39,585 --> 01:22:41,519 Aaah! 1411 01:22:41,621 --> 01:22:43,521 No, you were great! Ha-ha-ha! 1412 01:22:43,623 --> 01:22:46,524 My analyst said I should take advantage of the time... 1413 01:22:46,626 --> 01:22:49,754 ...and do something I'd always wanted to do, so I competed in the Iditarod. 1414 01:22:57,370 --> 01:22:59,395 Hyah! Hyah! 1415 01:22:59,505 --> 01:23:01,405 We gonna take a bathroom break? 1416 01:23:01,507 --> 01:23:03,907 We gonna- We gonna, uh- 1417 01:23:04,010 --> 01:23:06,171 Bathroom? Oh, God. 1418 01:23:11,184 --> 01:23:14,745 So I worked on my novel and spent some time getting to know my fans. 1419 01:23:14,854 --> 01:23:17,756 You know, give something back to the people who got me where I am. 1420 01:23:17,858 --> 01:23:20,326 Brian, this is my friend Anne-Michelle. 1421 01:23:20,427 --> 01:23:22,987 Anne-Michelle! Hey! What are you drinkin'? 1422 01:23:23,097 --> 01:23:26,260 'Cause I see you already ordered the hot sauce. 1423 01:23:26,367 --> 01:23:29,859 Hey, bartender, whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here? 1424 01:23:29,970 --> 01:23:32,370 Now do Peter. 1425 01:23:32,473 --> 01:23:36,000 Ooh, hey. Forgot my wallet. Can one of you guys get this? 1426 01:23:36,110 --> 01:23:39,011 Um, I did a guest spot on The West Wing. 1427 01:23:39,113 --> 01:23:43,812 It's not normally what I do, but I really got a chance to flex my dramatic muscle. 1428 01:23:43,917 --> 01:23:46,818 I got eight guys from Tallahassee who want this bill pushed through. 1429 01:23:46,920 --> 01:23:49,821 What's the latest on those refugees? They off the coast yet? 1430 01:23:49,923 --> 01:23:53,222 We're getting a lot of Internet chatter. We can justify raising the threat level. 1431 01:23:53,327 --> 01:23:56,228 What you do on your own time is not my business... 1432 01:23:56,330 --> 01:23:59,232 ...but, damn it, when you're here I want you to maintain a professional veneer. 1433 01:23:59,334 --> 01:24:02,235 I need to talk toJerry about how we're gonna spin the unemployment numbers. 1434 01:24:02,337 --> 01:24:05,602 Get my wife on the phone! Tell her I changed my mind. The blue dress is fine. 1435 01:24:05,707 --> 01:24:08,904 And I need the briefing for that meeting on the situation in Argentina! 1436 01:24:13,681 --> 01:24:16,582 I found it! I found the cheese! 1437 01:24:16,684 --> 01:24:18,584 Oh, boy! Cheese! 1438 01:24:18,686 --> 01:24:22,087 I love you, cheese. 1439 01:24:22,190 --> 01:24:26,092 I did a lot of things, but the thing I think I'm most proud of... 1440 01:24:26,194 --> 01:24:29,391 ...is when I volunteered to entertain the troops. 1441 01:24:32,767 --> 01:24:36,066 — If I could turn back time — 1442 01:24:37,105 --> 01:24:41,133 — If I could find a way — 1443 01:24:41,243 --> 01:24:43,336 — I'd take back — 1444 01:24:43,446 --> 01:24:46,540 — Those words that hurt you — 1445 01:24:46,649 --> 01:24:48,879 — And you'd stay — 1446 01:24:48,984 --> 01:24:51,953 — If I could reach the stars — 1447 01:24:53,355 --> 01:24:56,950 — I'd give 'em all to you — 1448 01:24:58,561 --> 01:25:00,825 —And you'd love me Love me — 1449 01:25:00,930 --> 01:25:05,333 —Like you used to do —— 1450 01:25:05,434 --> 01:25:08,335 And, Stewie, we all know you kept busy. 1451 01:25:08,437 --> 01:25:10,337 Oh, yes, it was exhausting... 1452 01:25:10,439 --> 01:25:12,805 ...between shooting films and those damned talk shows. 1453 01:25:12,908 --> 01:25:15,809 Hee-hee! 1454 01:25:15,911 --> 01:25:18,573 Ha-ha! Ha-ha! 1455 01:25:20,316 --> 01:25:24,617 I think it would have to be... Fuck. 1456 01:25:27,424 --> 01:25:29,824 And what is your favorite curse word? 1457 01:25:29,926 --> 01:25:31,791 Listen, cars aren't designed for women. 1458 01:25:31,895 --> 01:25:36,594 The steering wheel would have two dents in it. We bring our own air bags. Right, girls? 1459 01:25:38,702 --> 01:25:40,670 Anybody like cheesecake? 1460 01:25:43,073 --> 01:25:45,701 Well, we're glad to have you back on the air. 1461 01:25:45,809 --> 01:25:48,039 I'll let you all enjoy the party now. 1462 01:25:48,145 --> 01:25:51,706 - Peter, is there anything else you want to say? - Yeah, I got something to say. 1463 01:25:51,815 --> 01:25:53,715 You know, we kid around a lot here... 1464 01:25:53,817 --> 01:25:56,217 ...but the truth is, we care about each other. 1465 01:25:56,319 --> 01:25:59,618 We're excited to be back because we want to address some serious issues. 1466 01:25:59,723 --> 01:26:02,624 - You know, do something we can all be proud of. 1467 01:26:02,726 --> 01:26:04,854 Peter! 1468 01:26:04,962 --> 01:26:06,930 Still got it! 1469 01:26:08,599 --> 01:26:12,330 That was me. I used to think flatulence was something to laugh about. 1470 01:26:12,436 --> 01:26:15,337 Truth is, 300 million Americans a day... 1471 01:26:15,439 --> 01:26:17,339 ...expel gas through their anus. 1472 01:26:17,441 --> 01:26:20,171 To learn more about flatulence, you can visit my ass. 1473 01:26:20,278 --> 01:26:23,338 Just yankin' ya!