0 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:15,000 (Like, Share and Follow our Instagram @Layarkaca21indo.id for Support) 1 00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:11,720 [Ron White] You ever take a crap so big your pants fit better? 2 00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:15,682 What's he doing? 3 00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:18,852 Looks like he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth. 4 00:00:22,063 --> 00:00:24,482 But let me tell you something, folks. 5 00:00:25,150 --> 00:00:26,860 You can't fix stupid. 6 00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:34,367 Now, when I have seven eighths of a gram of marijuana, I consider myself to be... 7 00:00:35,243 --> 00:00:36,244 out of marijuana. 8 00:00:38,246 --> 00:00:40,707 Tiger doesn't get any credit for all that pussy he turned down, 9 00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:42,792 and that's the number you're looking for right there. 10 00:00:44,753 --> 00:00:46,087 6:01, gets there. 11 00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:47,630 Is she there? No. 12 00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:49,841 Do I leave? No. 13 00:00:49,924 --> 00:00:52,594 Why? Because this dick won't suck itself. 14 00:00:52,677 --> 00:00:53,511 That's why. 15 00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:58,016 [cheering and applause] 16 00:00:58,099 --> 00:01:01,352 [country rock music] 17 00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:10,111 [inaudible] 18 00:01:13,114 --> 00:01:15,533 [inaudible] 19 00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:25,043 I want to start off this evening by telling you something about me 20 00:01:25,126 --> 00:01:26,086 you may not know. 21 00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:30,757 Um, I'm from a very, very small dusty town in northwest Texas, 22 00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:33,176 and I grew up in this little bitty house that was built 23 00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:36,888 by my father and my grandfather the year I was born, 1956. 24 00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:41,559 Now I live in Beverly Hills in a house my wife and I just built, 25 00:01:41,643 --> 00:01:43,436 and I was doing an interview the other day, 26 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:45,647 and this guy asked me, "Has it changed you? 27 00:01:45,730 --> 00:01:47,982 You know, the fame and fortune and all that?" 28 00:01:48,566 --> 00:01:51,694 And I said, "I don't think so," but I kept thinking about it, 29 00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:53,655 and I realized it's changed me in two ways. 30 00:01:53,738 --> 00:01:55,824 One, while we were building this house, 31 00:01:55,907 --> 00:01:59,285 my wife selected these really exotic Japanese toilets. 32 00:01:59,369 --> 00:02:03,706 And as you approach these toilets, the lid of the toilet automatically opens. 33 00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:05,291 I was mad when I first saw it. 34 00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:07,335 I'm like, "You're wasting our money on this stuff?" 35 00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:09,712 But I got used to it after a while. 36 00:02:10,046 --> 00:02:12,882 And now when I approach a toilet, 37 00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:15,844 and the lid doesn't automatically open, 38 00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:19,722 I just piss all over the top of it. 39 00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,395 And I still eat tacos, 40 00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:28,398 but now I only eat the baby duck pussy lip tacos 41 00:02:28,481 --> 00:02:31,442 that you get at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills on Sunday. 42 00:02:31,943 --> 00:02:34,154 What they do is they take these baby ducks, 43 00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:36,406 and they just snip the pussy lips off of 'em, 44 00:02:36,489 --> 00:02:39,742 and it takes, like, 35 baby ducks to make one taco, 45 00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:42,912 but it is fucking worth it, man. 46 00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:49,586 And it turns out, they've been snipping the pussy lips off of baby ducks 47 00:02:49,669 --> 00:02:53,673 in Saudi Arabia for 1,500 years and just throwing them in a river, 48 00:02:53,756 --> 00:02:56,050 and the cook from the Four Seasons went there 49 00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:59,179 and saw this amazing waste of baby duck pussy lips, 50 00:02:59,262 --> 00:03:03,183 and just started thinking, you know, "Fuck... Tacos!" 51 00:03:12,650 --> 00:03:13,484 PETA hates it. 52 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:17,822 And I don't know why, 'cause they used to sell duck tacos, 53 00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:19,073 nobody gave a shit. 54 00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:21,659 You gotta kill the duck to get the duck meat. 55 00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:25,246 You don't have to kill the baby duck to get the pussy lips off of it. 56 00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:28,583 Sure, they bleed to death in the trash can when you throw them away, 57 00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:32,045 but they're baby ducks. It's a nickel for a hundred of 'em. Nobody gives a shit. 58 00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:39,886 So if you're ever in Beverly Hills on Sunday night, 59 00:03:39,969 --> 00:03:41,054 go to the Four Seasons. 60 00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:43,431 It's baby duck pussy lip taco night, and... 61 00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:46,809 get there early, because, uh, parking. 62 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:56,611 I'm 61 years old now, 63 00:03:56,694 --> 00:03:58,780 and I know two things to be true. 64 00:03:59,405 --> 00:04:00,240 One... 65 00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:04,869 anything has the potential to become a DUI checkpoint 66 00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:06,871 if you crash your car into it. 67 00:04:12,335 --> 00:04:14,671 And you can't un-fuck the housekeeper. 68 00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:15,964 So... 69 00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:18,383 That's it. That's all I know. 70 00:04:20,426 --> 00:04:22,595 Governor Schwarzenegger helped me with that second one, 71 00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:25,098 so I didn't have to do that one myself, so that's good. 72 00:04:29,060 --> 00:04:30,645 Don't drink and drive. 73 00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:33,356 That's what they say. 74 00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:38,152 They also say friends don't let friends drive drunk. 75 00:04:39,737 --> 00:04:42,573 Well, which one is it? Somebody's gotta drive. 76 00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:49,330 I was leaving a party the other night, 77 00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:51,916 and this buddy of mine goes, "Hey, Ron, can you drive?" 78 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,793 I was like, "I can drive... 79 00:04:55,461 --> 00:04:57,171 I can't get pulled over." 80 00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:05,430 Now, I won't drive drunk, but I will ride with somebody 81 00:05:05,513 --> 00:05:08,182 that can't blow a .08 and not fucking know it. 82 00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:10,977 'Cause .08's not drunk. 83 00:05:11,060 --> 00:05:14,814 .08 is a revenue stream for the federal fucking government, is what .08 is. 84 00:05:14,897 --> 00:05:17,650 That ain't drunk at all. That ain't even kind of drunk. 85 00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:19,152 This is drunk. 86 00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:23,573 That guy can't drive my fucking car. 87 00:05:26,534 --> 00:05:28,911 Now I'm not saying I've never driven drunk, 88 00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:31,581 because I've drank so much in my life, 89 00:05:31,664 --> 00:05:34,042 now on the back of my driver's license, 90 00:05:34,125 --> 00:05:36,627 there's a list of organs I need. 91 00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:51,059 I was in Melbourne, Florida, one time and I was driving a rental car, 92 00:05:51,142 --> 00:05:53,853 and I was by myself, and I'd had two drinks. 93 00:05:53,936 --> 00:05:56,856 I didn't make the drinks. I don't know how strong they were. 94 00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:58,191 Tasted strong. 95 00:05:58,941 --> 00:06:00,151 Whiskey and ice cubes. 96 00:06:03,112 --> 00:06:04,697 And I'm driving, and I look ahead, 97 00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:07,200 and there's a sobriety checkpoint and I'm like... 98 00:06:07,658 --> 00:06:09,285 "Fuck..." 99 00:06:09,827 --> 00:06:12,789 Which is what you say when you see a sobriety checkpoint. 100 00:06:13,247 --> 00:06:14,874 Fuck. 101 00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:17,710 And I get up there and the cop goes, 102 00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:19,837 "Mr. White, I smell alcohol on your breath." 103 00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:22,673 I said, "That's been there since '77, dude." 104 00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:27,970 You pour that much Scotch on a tongue, 105 00:06:28,096 --> 00:06:31,391 it's gonna smell like Scotch forever. There's nothing you can do about it. 106 00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:33,434 We've tried everything that there is. 107 00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:36,979 He goes, "Well, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer," 108 00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:39,315 and I said, "Well, here's the bad news, Hoss. 109 00:06:40,149 --> 00:06:41,359 I'm not gonna do it. 110 00:06:42,568 --> 00:06:43,986 I'm not, and I'll tell you why, 111 00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:46,614 because if that piece of shit's calibrated wrong, 112 00:06:46,697 --> 00:06:48,866 I could be convicted of something I didn't even do." 113 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:52,120 He goes, "Then I need you to do a field sobriety test." 114 00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:53,871 I'm like, "Just tell me what to do." 115 00:06:53,955 --> 00:06:57,583 He goes, "I want you to stand on one foot, raise the other foot--" 116 00:06:57,667 --> 00:06:58,501 "No, bullshit. 117 00:06:58,584 --> 00:07:00,461 Fuck that. I'm not doing that either. 118 00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:03,798 I'm not, and I'll tell you why. That's not a sobriety test. 119 00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:08,594 That's an agility test, and I'm not very goddamn agile, all right? 120 00:07:10,221 --> 00:07:11,764 I'm not, and it's not fair to me, 121 00:07:11,848 --> 00:07:14,100 because I'm older, I'm not in that great of shape. 122 00:07:14,183 --> 00:07:16,936 I may or may not be a little drunk. Fuck, I don't know. 123 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:22,066 You know what a fair drunk driving test is? 124 00:07:23,234 --> 00:07:26,028 Drunk driving. Get in the car. Let's do a couple of blocks. 125 00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:28,156 Let me show you some skills. 126 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:33,161 I'm not a 21-year-old, puking cheap tequila through my nose. 127 00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:36,873 I'm a 61-year-old raging alcoholic, motherfucker." 128 00:07:38,916 --> 00:07:41,294 Or that's what it said in the deposition. 129 00:07:47,675 --> 00:07:50,052 Here's another fair test: darts. 130 00:07:54,932 --> 00:07:59,312 We go back to O'Leary's Pub where this whole fucking thing started. 131 00:08:00,396 --> 00:08:04,567 If you can beat me at darts, you can take me to fucking jail, how about that? 132 00:08:06,944 --> 00:08:09,197 How about a sobriety contest? 133 00:08:19,123 --> 00:08:22,585 I got to go this year for the first time in my career to do stand-up in Europe, 134 00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:26,130 and I did shows in Amsterdam, Edinburgh, Scotland, and London. 135 00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:27,840 And when I was in Edinburgh, 136 00:08:27,924 --> 00:08:31,010 I realized that the Scots made me laugh harder than anybody. 137 00:08:31,093 --> 00:08:34,263 Not because they try to say something funny. It's just the words they say, 138 00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:37,517 whatever the fuck they say just cracks me the fuck up. 139 00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:41,062 And I wear wild socks, and... 140 00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:45,024 So I'm having breakfast in this restaurant 141 00:08:45,107 --> 00:08:47,360 across the street from the hotel I'm staying in, by myself, 142 00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:48,736 and... 143 00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:51,405 I finish with my meal, I realize I don't have any money. 144 00:08:51,489 --> 00:08:53,699 I only have the room key. I left everything in my room, 145 00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:56,160 and I tell the guy, "Listen, I got to go back to the hotel. 146 00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:58,454 I'll get some money. I'll come back over and pay you." 147 00:08:58,538 --> 00:08:59,413 This is what he says: 148 00:09:00,331 --> 00:09:03,793 "Well, those don't look like the socks of a man who would steal an egg." 149 00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:16,347 Yeah, they sure the fuck don't. 150 00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:21,561 And I did these shows in London, 151 00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:24,063 and they don't play my stuff on television in London. 152 00:09:24,146 --> 00:09:25,982 So I really had to call and promote these shows 153 00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:29,193 and get everybody to come out, and I called this radio station in London. 154 00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:31,112 This is what this DJ says to me: 155 00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:32,989 "Ron... 156 00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:35,992 Every time a celebrity calls our station, 157 00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:37,743 we always ask the same question: 158 00:09:37,868 --> 00:09:41,455 If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, 159 00:09:42,039 --> 00:09:43,082 who would it be?" 160 00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:45,209 And I said... 161 00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:47,920 "Living." 162 00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:57,221 And he tried to explain it to me. 163 00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:59,056 He was like, "No, what I'm saying is, 164 00:09:59,181 --> 00:10:01,267 if you could talk to someone, whether they..." 165 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:03,894 Yeah, I fucking get it. 166 00:10:05,646 --> 00:10:07,481 I'm a joke writer from America. 167 00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:08,774 I'm all over it, dude. 168 00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:15,448 Trying to make this funny, sell some comedy tickets 169 00:10:15,531 --> 00:10:17,575 in a land where you don't play my shit. 170 00:10:20,828 --> 00:10:22,413 Thanks for playing our game. 171 00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:25,541 And the punchline of that story is, I come back to the States, 172 00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:28,377 when I get back to the States, my assistant goes, "Ron, 173 00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:30,463 did you hear that John Mayhew died?" 174 00:10:30,921 --> 00:10:33,883 And I'm like, "John Mayhew... Why do I know that name?" 175 00:10:34,425 --> 00:10:36,302 "It's your ex-wife's divorce lawyer." 176 00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:39,639 [laughing quietly] 177 00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:43,601 Oh, I hated that motherfucker. 178 00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:49,690 That Yale snob fucking piece of shit, fucked me out of so goddamn much money. 179 00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:51,692 It happened ten years before, 180 00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:54,362 but I still had his office number in my phone, 181 00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:56,322 and my wife said I was a dick for doing this, 182 00:10:56,405 --> 00:10:59,158 but as soon as I found out he died, I called his office, I said, 183 00:10:59,241 --> 00:11:02,995 "I'd like to speak to John Mayhew, please." 184 00:11:03,746 --> 00:11:05,539 The lady goes, "I'm very sorry to tell you, 185 00:11:05,623 --> 00:11:07,416 but Mr. Mayhew passed away." 186 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,752 I said, "Okay," and I called her right back and said, 187 00:11:09,835 --> 00:11:13,089 "I'd like to speak to John Mayhew, please." 188 00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:17,301 She goes, "I just told you, Mr. Mayhew passed away." 189 00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,595 I said,  "I know, I just like hearing you say it." 190 00:11:26,435 --> 00:11:27,937 My wife's like, "You're a dick." 191 00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:31,732 I said, "Bullshit. He's lucky I don't know where he's buried. I'll show you dick." 192 00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:42,952 I saw this on the news the other day. This befuddled me. 193 00:11:43,411 --> 00:11:48,499 It was a story about a town in the Middle East where, by law... 194 00:11:49,166 --> 00:11:52,878 by law, the women who live in this town 195 00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:54,797 have to wear burkas 196 00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:58,634 with one... eyehole. 197 00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:01,470 That's it. 198 00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:03,931 That's all you get. 199 00:12:09,103 --> 00:12:11,021 One eyehole. 200 00:12:12,523 --> 00:12:15,568 Not two eyeholes like those other sluts. 201 00:12:21,532 --> 00:12:22,366 One... 202 00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:23,367 [giggling] 203 00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:24,577 ..fucking eyehole. 204 00:12:25,202 --> 00:12:28,289 Just enough to keep from bumping into shit. 205 00:12:28,372 --> 00:12:29,582 That's all you need. 206 00:12:31,041 --> 00:12:33,252 And the guys over there still think they're hot. 207 00:12:33,335 --> 00:12:35,004 They're like, "Ooh, look at that one." 208 00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:37,131 Which one? 209 00:12:37,923 --> 00:12:40,384 They all look like fucking tents. 210 00:12:44,513 --> 00:12:47,141 And I think that's why they marry so many of them. 211 00:12:47,224 --> 00:12:50,102 You got to unwrap a few to get the one you're looking for... 212 00:12:53,939 --> 00:12:56,776 in a sight unseen situation. 213 00:13:01,655 --> 00:13:04,158 And if you're all politically correct, don't worry. 214 00:13:04,241 --> 00:13:06,160 I'm not busting on women from the Middle East. 215 00:13:06,243 --> 00:13:09,079 I know they're perfectly content to live the way they do. 216 00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:13,292 They are. 217 00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:16,170 Oh, you can see it in their eyehole. 218 00:13:25,721 --> 00:13:29,099 Three weeks ago, my wife and I went to New York City, 219 00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:31,227 and we went to a gay wedding, 220 00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,395 and it was a man marrying a woman, 221 00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:37,024 [laughing] but it was the gayest fucking thing I've ever seen. 222 00:13:43,113 --> 00:13:45,449 You can get married now if you're gay, anywhere in America, 223 00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:47,576 that's fine with me. I don't care one way or another. 224 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:50,246 Get married, don't get married. I don't give a shit. 225 00:13:51,288 --> 00:13:52,623 [snorting] I don't, really.. 226 00:13:52,706 --> 00:13:56,418 I've got tons of gay friends, most of 'em male dancers from fucking Vegas, 227 00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:58,671 and they're like, "We want to get married too." 228 00:13:58,754 --> 00:14:01,006 I'm like, "You're going to fucking hate it, but..." 229 00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:10,558 I think the Supreme Court fucked up the best thing about being gay. 230 00:14:10,641 --> 00:14:13,018 "Well, I would marry ya, but I can't! 231 00:14:17,439 --> 00:14:21,026 I'd give you half my shit right now, but I don't make up the rules." 232 00:14:29,326 --> 00:14:32,079 I was doing a meet and greet the other day right after a show, 233 00:14:32,162 --> 00:14:35,666 this young guy goes, "When my girlfriend comes back from vacation with her parents, 234 00:14:35,749 --> 00:14:38,419 I'm going to ask her to marry me. Do you have any advice, Mr. White?" 235 00:14:41,338 --> 00:14:45,175 Now, I'd just got off the ugliest phone call I've ever had with my wife, 236 00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:46,385 and it was about that house, 237 00:14:46,468 --> 00:14:49,430 and part of that house was gonna be a rehearsal space for her band, 238 00:14:49,513 --> 00:14:51,307 and while I was shooting a pilot in Vancouver, 239 00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:53,934 it turned into a 24-track recording studio. 240 00:14:54,018 --> 00:14:55,686 And I was so goddamn mad. 241 00:14:55,769 --> 00:14:57,187 I couldn't fucking breathe. 242 00:14:57,271 --> 00:15:00,941 We had spent $100,000 on this little fucking room, 243 00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:03,777 and that builder, that motherfucker. 244 00:15:03,861 --> 00:15:06,780 I told him, "Don't you goddamn do it. Don't you fucking do it." 245 00:15:06,864 --> 00:15:07,948 And he fucking did it! 246 00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:11,410 While I was in Canada shooting a fucking pilot! The motherfucker! 247 00:15:11,493 --> 00:15:15,706 You ever notice nobody ever dies when you wish they would? 248 00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:24,506 This conversation got so goddamn out of hand. 249 00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:27,259 The shit that should have never got said got said, 250 00:15:27,343 --> 00:15:31,347 it just spun into this big shit storm of fuck. 251 00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:39,188 I'll tell you how the conversation ended, and then you'll know how it went. 252 00:15:41,231 --> 00:15:43,108 This is how the conversation ended. 253 00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:46,570 She goes, "Listen, Ron. I'm not trying to be an asshole," 254 00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:49,740 and I go, "Really? You're not even trying? Well, you're gifted." 255 00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:59,917 And I told this young guy, I said, "Yeah, if I were you, I'd go to a gay bar, 256 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:03,629 let somebody fuck me in the ass and make goddamn sure I'm not gay, 257 00:16:03,712 --> 00:16:07,174 'cause it looks like they're having more fun than anybody to me." 258 00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:10,928 It does too, 'cause we live right next to West Hollywood. 259 00:16:11,011 --> 00:16:12,930 You go anywhere in West Hollywood, 260 00:16:13,013 --> 00:16:16,183 there's these gigantic gay men's clubs with these huge patios. 261 00:16:16,266 --> 00:16:19,728 These places are packed to the fucking rafters 262 00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:22,773 at 2:30 in the afternoon, seven days a week. 263 00:16:22,856 --> 00:16:26,568 And these guys are laughing and dancing and drinking, 264 00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:28,737 and they're having a fucking blast. 265 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,990 And you know why they're having so much fun? 266 00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:33,325 'Cause there ain't no goddamn women there. 267 00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:35,911 That's why. That's why.  268 00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:37,663 That's why. 269 00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:41,166 They're doing whatever the fuck they want to do 270 00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,460 whenever the fuck they want to do it. 271 00:16:43,919 --> 00:16:45,671 "I got a good idea, Tommy. 272 00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:47,506 Let's do a big shot of tequila, 273 00:16:47,589 --> 00:16:51,885 you snort some cocaine off my dick and fuck me right up the butt." 274 00:16:55,055 --> 00:17:01,061 And they march off to the bathroom and do exactly that, exactly then, 275 00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:04,189 and the reason they can is there's not a woman there to go, 276 00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:08,944 "Well, that's morally wrong and bathrooms aren't near clean enough to butt-fuck in." 277 00:17:17,494 --> 00:17:19,371 Oh, they beg to differ. 278 00:17:23,417 --> 00:17:25,252 I thought about being gay one time, 279 00:17:25,335 --> 00:17:28,505 and I changed my mind when it came my turn. 280 00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:31,467 Like, "What? I got to what? 281 00:17:33,218 --> 00:17:35,179 What? What? What? 282 00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:38,682 What?" 283 00:17:45,814 --> 00:17:49,860 I'll tell you this story. This happened last Wednesday at The Comedy Store in LA. 284 00:17:50,527 --> 00:17:54,782 And The Comedy Store in LA is a really pretty big place. 285 00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:58,702 It's got three comedy clubs and I'd just done a 15-minute set 286 00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:02,623 in the OR, which is the original room, but they call it the OR. 287 00:18:02,706 --> 00:18:04,500 And right before I went on stage, 288 00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:06,210 I was in the green room of the main room, 289 00:18:06,293 --> 00:18:09,379 and they came over there and they said, "Ron, they need you in the OR." 290 00:18:10,339 --> 00:18:12,925 I never thought anybody would fucking say that, you know? 291 00:18:14,551 --> 00:18:17,554 So I did my set, and I'm out in the hallway talking to Joe Rogan 292 00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:21,350 and this guy comes up to me, in his early 30s, I would guess, 293 00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:24,478 very flamboyant, very nervous. 294 00:18:24,561 --> 00:18:26,105 And he comes up to me and goes... 295 00:18:27,856 --> 00:18:29,149 [high-pitched] "Mr. White... 296 00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:34,655 I was always going to tell you if I ever met you 297 00:18:34,738 --> 00:18:37,783 that when my father was alive, you were his favorite comedian by far." 298 00:18:39,034 --> 00:18:41,161 I said, "Thank you very much for telling me that, man. 299 00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:43,789 I appreciate that, and I'm sorry you lost your dad." 300 00:18:43,872 --> 00:18:46,625 He goes, "I was in love with you and I'd see you on television, 301 00:18:46,708 --> 00:18:49,086 I'd pretend you were my husband and we'd go out to eat, 302 00:18:49,169 --> 00:18:50,295 and things like that." 303 00:18:53,048 --> 00:18:56,343 I went, "Well, that's nice of you to say, I appreciate it, very nice to meet you." 304 00:18:56,426 --> 00:18:59,388 He goes, "I had a picture of you I used to masturbate to." 305 00:19:07,729 --> 00:19:08,689 Which one? 306 00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:17,364 And it turns out I had no problem with it at all. 307 00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:19,992 And I'll tell you why I didn't have a problem with it, 308 00:19:20,075 --> 00:19:25,455 'cause I thought the number of people beating off to my image was zero. 309 00:19:30,335 --> 00:19:33,422 Turns out it's a solid one. 310 00:19:37,092 --> 00:19:38,635 I guarantee you, when I leave the house, 311 00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:42,347 my wife's not dragging out a headshot, rubbing one off... 312 00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:47,269 "You look more like Steve Bannon every day. You're just fucking... 313 00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:49,479 just... 314 00:19:51,356 --> 00:19:55,485 Some red lipstick on that nose, this would be hot as fuck." 315 00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:04,995 I'm not gay. 316 00:20:09,249 --> 00:20:12,002 [laughing] Seems like I'd have something else to say after that. 317 00:20:13,462 --> 00:20:15,797 I'm not gay, but I have these moments. 318 00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:19,384 The other day I was watching Tarzan, the new Tarzan movie. 319 00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:22,012 The newest one that's not very new, but it's the newest one. 320 00:20:22,095 --> 00:20:25,349 And the guy that played Tarzan was a really, really handsome fella, 321 00:20:25,432 --> 00:20:27,768 and he was really a good-looking guy, 322 00:20:27,851 --> 00:20:29,937 but I was watching it, thinking, "You know, 323 00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:32,064 if that guy from Thor, Chris Hemsworth, was in this, 324 00:20:32,147 --> 00:20:34,274 this would really be a better movie, 325 00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:37,277 'cause I'd just rather look at Chris Hemsworth without his shirt on." 326 00:20:41,782 --> 00:20:43,784 What the fuck did you just think? 327 00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:48,830 I just think Chris Hemsworth's the best-looking motherfucker. 328 00:20:48,914 --> 00:20:50,958 And then I was watching Godfather, 329 00:20:51,041 --> 00:20:52,960 I thought, "Well, if instead of that horse head, 330 00:20:53,043 --> 00:20:55,963 they just had Chris Hemsworth with no shirt on. 331 00:20:56,046 --> 00:21:00,717 Just his torso, blood coming out of it and just Chris Hemsworth kind of... 332 00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:04,263 I don't want to pinch his nipples or anything. I just like to see it." 333 00:21:05,347 --> 00:21:07,391 And I was watching that movie The Help, 334 00:21:07,474 --> 00:21:10,477 and I'm like, "I know he's not a young negro woman, but... 335 00:21:15,524 --> 00:21:18,193 if he just had on an apron and no shirt..." 336 00:21:27,536 --> 00:21:30,706 I consider myself a gold star heterosexual. 337 00:21:31,623 --> 00:21:34,751 Now the reason I know this term is, I have lesbian friends too. 338 00:21:34,835 --> 00:21:36,795 And I know that a gold star lesbian is a woman 339 00:21:36,878 --> 00:21:39,381 who's never had any dick not once ever in her life, 340 00:21:39,464 --> 00:21:42,426 and I've never had any dick not once ever in my life. 341 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,389 And I know some guys that have had one homosexual experience 342 00:21:47,472 --> 00:21:50,267 or two or 10,000, doesn't make a fuck bit of difference to me. 343 00:21:50,350 --> 00:21:53,186 I could not possibly care any less. I just never have. 344 00:21:53,729 --> 00:21:56,440 I didn't lose my virginity until I was 18 years old, 345 00:21:56,523 --> 00:22:00,902 and I was in the Navy stationed in San Diego, and I lost my virginity 346 00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:03,613 to a prostitute in Tijuana, Mexico, 347 00:22:03,697 --> 00:22:07,868 who was overweight, and her teeth had no general direction or color. 348 00:22:09,828 --> 00:22:12,456 But she was well within my budget. 349 00:22:21,548 --> 00:22:23,592 Well, I got stationed at Pearl Harbor. 350 00:22:23,675 --> 00:22:25,260 After I'd been there for a little while, 351 00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:29,264 I found out there was one part of Hotel Street on Oahu that you go to, 352 00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:32,768 and these really cute girls that jump in your car and blow you for five dollars. 353 00:22:32,851 --> 00:22:35,896 Best deal I've ever heard of in my life to this day. 354 00:22:38,315 --> 00:22:41,651 And that's about a 45-second task with me at 18 years old. I'm like, 355 00:22:41,735 --> 00:22:43,153 "Oh! Ooh! Ahh! 356 00:22:43,236 --> 00:22:44,696 I'm out of here. I gotta go." 357 00:22:45,947 --> 00:22:48,408 I'm coming back twice a day 358 00:22:49,701 --> 00:22:51,453 every fucking day. 359 00:22:52,537 --> 00:22:54,831 I'm there for eight months. 360 00:22:57,334 --> 00:23:01,254 A little while back I was watching this documentary on transvestites, 361 00:23:01,338 --> 00:23:04,132 and they start talking about the transvestite scene 362 00:23:04,216 --> 00:23:09,554 that's been on Hotel Street on Oahu for 55 years. 363 00:23:19,523 --> 00:23:21,024 Those were dudes? 364 00:23:23,026 --> 00:23:26,196 I let 150 dudes suck my dick? 365 00:23:29,074 --> 00:23:30,075 Jesus. 366 00:23:30,826 --> 00:23:31,952 What's the record? 367 00:23:35,747 --> 00:23:38,667 You'd think you can tell a man's mouth from a woman's mouth, 368 00:23:38,792 --> 00:23:39,876 but you cannot. 369 00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:43,922 A tongue is a tongue, and a tooth is a fucking tooth. 370 00:23:46,383 --> 00:23:48,385 If it would have been a handjob, I'd have been going, 371 00:23:48,468 --> 00:23:51,638 "Hey, you're a plumber, dude. get that claw off my fucking pecker." 372 00:24:02,524 --> 00:24:03,692 I ran, um... 373 00:24:04,526 --> 00:24:07,320 I ran for president of the United States, and I don't think I won, 374 00:24:07,404 --> 00:24:10,115 because nobody's called and I quit watching television. 375 00:24:12,117 --> 00:24:14,953 My platform was a little different than our president's platform. 376 00:24:15,036 --> 00:24:18,999 He wants to build a wall between the US and Mexico to keep out immigrants, 377 00:24:19,082 --> 00:24:21,710 and I wanted to build a net between the US and Canada 378 00:24:21,793 --> 00:24:23,879 to keep those fucking geese out of here. 379 00:24:29,259 --> 00:24:30,719 I fucking hate geese. 380 00:24:31,511 --> 00:24:32,762 I fucking hate 'em. 381 00:24:32,929 --> 00:24:35,056 I got attacked by a goose when I was a kid. 382 00:24:36,141 --> 00:24:38,852 I never got over it. My uncle was a Baptist preacher, 383 00:24:38,935 --> 00:24:42,522 and I was at his little white clapboard Baptist church 384 00:24:42,606 --> 00:24:44,232 in a little bitty town in Texas 385 00:24:44,316 --> 00:24:46,568 and I was sitting-- Vacation bible school. 386 00:24:46,651 --> 00:24:48,403 I'm on the back porch of the church, 387 00:24:48,487 --> 00:24:50,947 eating my little sandwich, six years old, drinking my Kool-Aid. 388 00:24:51,031 --> 00:24:55,660 This goose comes out of this pond like a fucking killing machine. 389 00:24:55,744 --> 00:24:57,454 [squawk] 390 00:24:57,537 --> 00:25:00,290 Bites me on the fucking leg. Steals my sandwich. 391 00:25:00,373 --> 00:25:01,666 Leaves me shudder-crying. 392 00:25:01,750 --> 00:25:03,502 [sobbing] 393 00:25:04,211 --> 00:25:07,214 I had nightmares about it my entire goddamn childhood. 394 00:25:07,297 --> 00:25:08,882 I fucking hate 'em. 395 00:25:14,346 --> 00:25:15,514 They're not natural. 396 00:25:17,349 --> 00:25:19,476 Geese aren't natural. They're not. 397 00:25:19,559 --> 00:25:22,395 The way they cross the street right in front of fucking cars 398 00:25:22,479 --> 00:25:24,773 with that weird-ass confidence. 399 00:25:27,317 --> 00:25:30,195 "Yo, bitch, what the fuck you going to do about it?" 400 00:25:31,863 --> 00:25:33,782 Lock those beady eyes on you. 401 00:25:39,412 --> 00:25:41,373 "I got 17 friends behind me. 402 00:25:41,456 --> 00:25:43,875 Nobody's moving till we get across this street." 403 00:25:45,043 --> 00:25:48,088 They could have flown over the fucking street. 404 00:25:54,511 --> 00:25:56,179 I'm in my car, all intimidated. 405 00:25:56,263 --> 00:25:58,181 I'm like, "What do I even do? 406 00:25:59,224 --> 00:26:02,185 I can put my car in drive and roll over your ass. 407 00:26:02,811 --> 00:26:04,354 Nobody would give a shit." 408 00:26:04,938 --> 00:26:07,983 I wouldn't do it. Nobody in this fucking room would do it. 409 00:26:08,316 --> 00:26:10,944 You know why? 'Cause we're scared to fucking death of geese. 410 00:26:11,027 --> 00:26:12,862 Nobody wants to talk about it but me. 411 00:26:14,322 --> 00:26:16,658 And we should be afraid of geese too, and I'll tell you why. 412 00:26:16,741 --> 00:26:19,202 A goose is the only animal on the planet 413 00:26:19,286 --> 00:26:22,163 could take a jetliner out of the fucking sky 414 00:26:23,039 --> 00:26:24,708 and make it land on the Hudson River. 415 00:26:24,791 --> 00:26:28,378 That's what happened to that plane Sully landed on the Hudson River. 416 00:26:28,461 --> 00:26:31,715 Geese started flying through the engines of that jet. 417 00:26:32,215 --> 00:26:35,885 Radical terrorist Canadian geese! 418 00:26:43,893 --> 00:26:44,936 Build a net. (Like, Share and Follow our Instagram @Layarkaca21indo.id for Support) 419 00:26:48,815 --> 00:26:52,527 No other animal crosses the road with this kind of fucking poise. 420 00:26:52,944 --> 00:26:56,281 That's all I'm saying. No other fucking animal does this. 421 00:26:56,364 --> 00:26:59,159 When my dog gets out of the yard, gets in the street, 422 00:26:59,242 --> 00:27:01,286 he's like, "Oh fuck! I'm in the road!" 423 00:27:03,330 --> 00:27:05,540 Does a Z-pattern to get across. 424 00:27:09,294 --> 00:27:10,211 Squirrels. 425 00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:13,131 Nature's most shitty critical thinkers. 426 00:27:16,926 --> 00:27:18,762 "Well, I've been here, but I've never been here, 427 00:27:18,845 --> 00:27:20,180 and if I only--" Dead. 428 00:27:27,145 --> 00:27:28,730 Cats die when they touch the road. 429 00:27:28,813 --> 00:27:30,732 That's all a cat has to do, is just, "Pow!" 430 00:27:32,817 --> 00:27:35,904 There's so many dead cats on my street, it looks carpeted. 431 00:27:39,032 --> 00:27:41,868 You ever seen a dead goose anywhere in your goddamn life? 432 00:27:41,951 --> 00:27:44,204 Just laying there dead, 'cause it died somewhere? 433 00:27:44,287 --> 00:27:45,872 Fuck no, you have not. 434 00:27:47,749 --> 00:27:49,668 Because they rarely fucking die. 435 00:27:53,546 --> 00:27:57,300 I have a back-up plan to curtail the goose population in America. 436 00:27:57,634 --> 00:27:59,511 I'm going to open a chain of restaurants 437 00:27:59,594 --> 00:28:02,263 that only sells baby goose pussy lip tacos. 438 00:28:06,184 --> 00:28:07,644 You think you know tender... 439 00:28:09,229 --> 00:28:10,855 but you really don't. 440 00:28:12,148 --> 00:28:16,736 Baby goose pussy lips makes wagyu beef taste like boo... boot leather. 441 00:28:16,820 --> 00:28:19,698 [distorted] Wagyu beef taste like boot leather. 442 00:28:20,949 --> 00:28:22,033 Baby goose pussy... 443 00:28:22,742 --> 00:28:26,621 [tripping over his tongue] ...makes wagyu beef taste like boot leath... boot... 444 00:28:28,623 --> 00:28:30,500 All right, I'm gonna rewrite this sentence. 445 00:28:33,128 --> 00:28:35,588 I can... I got to get this right for the special. 446 00:28:35,672 --> 00:28:37,757 Baby goose pussy lips makes wagyu beef... 447 00:28:37,841 --> 00:28:38,758 [laughing] 448 00:28:38,842 --> 00:28:39,676 Okay. 449 00:28:40,927 --> 00:28:41,761 Okay. 450 00:28:44,097 --> 00:28:45,056 All right. 451 00:28:45,974 --> 00:28:49,853 [crowd shouting encouragement] 452 00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:51,438 Baby... 453 00:28:52,522 --> 00:28:53,565 [audience member] Come on! 454 00:28:54,149 --> 00:28:55,775 All right, y'all shut up. 455 00:28:58,486 --> 00:28:59,988 Okay. I'm ready. 456 00:29:02,449 --> 00:29:03,616 Baby... 457 00:29:03,700 --> 00:29:04,534 [crowd laughing] 458 00:29:04,617 --> 00:29:06,411 Shut up, you're supposed to shut up. 459 00:29:09,122 --> 00:29:12,375 Baby goose pussy lips makes wagyu beef taste like boot leather. 460 00:29:13,209 --> 00:29:15,170 [cheering and applause] 461 00:29:25,221 --> 00:29:26,222 That's pretty slick. 462 00:29:29,726 --> 00:29:32,437 I started this tour a while back in Las Vegas, and... 463 00:29:33,438 --> 00:29:36,566 while I was there, I was walking down the Strip, 464 00:29:36,649 --> 00:29:38,818 my wife and I, and they're having a sex toy convention, 465 00:29:38,902 --> 00:29:41,154 which is one of their five biggest conventions of the year. 466 00:29:41,237 --> 00:29:44,407 Literally, people come from all over the world to buy stuff for their shops, 467 00:29:45,158 --> 00:29:47,160 and my wife said, "My friend's having a shower. 468 00:29:47,243 --> 00:29:49,954 I need to get her a gag gift. Let's go to this thing. It'll be fun." 469 00:29:50,038 --> 00:29:51,289 I'm like, "All right, let's go." 470 00:29:51,748 --> 00:29:56,294 And it was unbelievable, huge, all the big dildo companies were there, uh.... 471 00:29:57,128 --> 00:29:58,546 Fuck Rudders, uh... 472 00:29:58,630 --> 00:30:01,090 Bone Depot, Shaft Crafters. 473 00:30:02,133 --> 00:30:03,885 Black and Pecker, Peterbilt, 474 00:30:03,968 --> 00:30:05,762 Johnson & Johnson... 475 00:30:09,349 --> 00:30:10,391 and Johnson. 476 00:30:11,935 --> 00:30:15,355 So we walk up to Knob Cobblers, or whatever the fuck the name of it was. 477 00:30:15,438 --> 00:30:16,439 I don't remember. 478 00:30:17,524 --> 00:30:20,318 We walk up to this booth that only sells dildos. 479 00:30:20,401 --> 00:30:21,736 That's all they sell. 480 00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:24,197 And I asked the guy, I said... 481 00:30:24,823 --> 00:30:26,491 "How much are the dildos?" And he goes, 482 00:30:27,242 --> 00:30:31,079 [angrily] "They're not dildos, they're personal massagers." 483 00:30:36,543 --> 00:30:37,418 "All right. 484 00:30:39,546 --> 00:30:42,298 How much is the personal massager 485 00:30:43,633 --> 00:30:45,760 shaped like a big black cock? 486 00:30:52,225 --> 00:30:54,561 'Cause we're looking for a gag gift, and... 487 00:30:55,436 --> 00:30:58,898 if that doesn't gag her, I don't know what we're going to use, 'cause... 488 00:30:59,774 --> 00:31:02,569 it's gotta be something big, you tell me. 489 00:31:03,027 --> 00:31:06,197 A broom handle, a pool cue, 490 00:31:06,781 --> 00:31:08,616 a fucking plunger." 491 00:31:10,326 --> 00:31:12,829 Gag, woman, gag. 492 00:31:17,166 --> 00:31:18,835 There were porno movies everywhere, 493 00:31:18,918 --> 00:31:21,170 but the porno movie that caught my eye was called 494 00:31:21,254 --> 00:31:24,465 Fat Midgets Fucking Fat Midgets... 495 00:31:25,717 --> 00:31:26,968 Two. 496 00:31:32,015 --> 00:31:33,182 I would have missed the boat 497 00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:35,101 if I was in the porno business right there. 498 00:31:35,184 --> 00:31:40,315 I'd have said, "Ain't nobody gonna pay to watch fat midgets fuck fat midgets." 499 00:31:41,441 --> 00:31:43,192 Bullshit, there's a sequel. 500 00:31:46,362 --> 00:31:50,199 Apparently there were some unanswered questions in Fat Midgets... 501 00:31:52,035 --> 00:31:53,202 Fucking Fat Midgets. 502 00:31:54,621 --> 00:31:56,956 I picked up the DVD, looked at the cover, 503 00:31:57,040 --> 00:32:00,752 it looked like somebody's trying to shove a pumpkin through a beach ball. 504 00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:07,300 Now I've got questions. 505 00:32:09,802 --> 00:32:13,806 And then the whole experience just started to creep me the fuck out. 506 00:32:14,349 --> 00:32:17,435 I just grabbed my big black dick and left. 507 00:32:17,518 --> 00:32:19,187 I don't need this shit. 508 00:32:24,317 --> 00:32:26,653 It seemed like they would give you a sack or something. 509 00:32:55,348 --> 00:32:59,686 My wife does yoga, and next to her yoga school in Beverly Hills, 510 00:32:59,769 --> 00:33:02,188 there's a spa that offers treatments 511 00:33:03,022 --> 00:33:04,273 that I've never heard of. 512 00:33:06,484 --> 00:33:10,697 One of these treatments is a thing called anal bleaching. 513 00:33:12,448 --> 00:33:14,993 I'll give you a second to get your arms around that. 514 00:33:16,911 --> 00:33:18,871 Now I've never walked in the doors of this place, 515 00:33:18,955 --> 00:33:21,624 and I don't know exactly  what they're up to, but... 516 00:33:21,708 --> 00:33:23,084 apparently... 517 00:33:24,377 --> 00:33:25,586 some people... 518 00:33:27,130 --> 00:33:31,509 are really unhappy with the color of the old bunghole. 519 00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:38,891 So unhappy, they're willing to bleach it 520 00:33:39,934 --> 00:33:42,645 until it becomes a more desirable color. 521 00:33:46,024 --> 00:33:49,277 Now I don't know if they have a color in mind when they start, 522 00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:53,740 or if you just bleach it and get whatever the fuck you get. 523 00:33:55,074 --> 00:33:58,327 Or if there's some paint chips and a tray of Smile Bright. 524 00:33:58,411 --> 00:34:00,580 You're just spreading your ass cheeks, 525 00:34:00,663 --> 00:34:03,499 squatting into a tray of solution for a limited amount of time 526 00:34:03,583 --> 00:34:05,043 for a desired result. 527 00:34:18,097 --> 00:34:19,348 [inaudible] 528 00:34:25,313 --> 00:34:27,106 [shouting] What's it look like now? 529 00:34:39,869 --> 00:34:40,787 I don't know. 530 00:34:43,456 --> 00:34:44,540 I know this. 531 00:34:46,292 --> 00:34:49,629 I have no idea what color my asshole is. 532 00:34:50,838 --> 00:34:54,383 I don't have that kind of mirror or that kind of friend. 533 00:34:59,097 --> 00:35:01,140 Nobody wants to be a white asshole, 534 00:35:01,224 --> 00:35:03,351 but everybody wants to have one all of a sudden. 535 00:35:03,434 --> 00:35:07,188 I don't know what I'm supposed to tell my fucking relatives. 536 00:35:15,947 --> 00:35:18,366 Another service they offer at this spa... 537 00:35:22,411 --> 00:35:26,249 is a thing called vaginal rejuvenation. 538 00:35:28,626 --> 00:35:29,460 All right. 539 00:35:36,050 --> 00:35:40,388 Now, I think it's a little strange that vaginal rejuvenation is fine, 540 00:35:41,347 --> 00:35:45,143 yet it's illegal to roll back the odometer on your car. 541 00:35:57,321 --> 00:36:00,575 Vaginal rejuvenation. Rejuvenate your vagina. 542 00:36:00,658 --> 00:36:05,788 It was juvenated, it became un-juvenated, it needs to be rejuvenated. 543 00:36:05,872 --> 00:36:07,582 Bring it into the shop. 544 00:36:11,460 --> 00:36:13,588 Now, I don't know what's wrong with your vagina 545 00:36:13,671 --> 00:36:16,257 that makes you think it needs to be rejuvenated. 546 00:36:16,340 --> 00:36:19,969 I don't know if it just looks tired  or sad, or... 547 00:36:21,220 --> 00:36:23,848 worried about something it can't do anything about. 548 00:36:28,186 --> 00:36:29,478 Well, whatever it is, 549 00:36:30,229 --> 00:36:32,523 I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. 550 00:36:32,940 --> 00:36:34,901 I wouldn't and I'll tell you why. 551 00:36:35,818 --> 00:36:39,739 Because the most jacked-up cooch I've ever seen in my life 552 00:36:40,740 --> 00:36:44,619 is way better looking than my ball sack. 553 00:36:58,341 --> 00:37:00,426 Besides, if you're at that point in a make-out session, 554 00:37:00,509 --> 00:37:01,677 you're gonna do it anyway. 555 00:37:01,761 --> 00:37:04,013 It doesn't matter what it fucking looks like. 556 00:37:04,096 --> 00:37:07,767 It's like you were waiting in line for two hours to ride a roller coaster 557 00:37:07,850 --> 00:37:10,686 and it finally shows up and the seats are kinda bumpy and worn out. 558 00:37:10,770 --> 00:37:13,564 You're still going to hop in that motherfucker. Yeah! 559 00:37:18,277 --> 00:37:21,113 'Cause I don't have the answer to a lot of life's questions. 560 00:37:22,114 --> 00:37:23,074 Or any. 561 00:37:25,243 --> 00:37:27,703 But oddly enough, I do have a suggestion for this. 562 00:37:28,329 --> 00:37:31,040 Ladies, if you don't like the way the cooch is looking, 563 00:37:32,250 --> 00:37:34,252 before you go do something that extreme, 564 00:37:35,211 --> 00:37:36,087 try this. 565 00:37:37,546 --> 00:37:38,547 Quit trimming it... 566 00:37:41,425 --> 00:37:42,468 for a year. 567 00:37:44,679 --> 00:37:46,555 And just do a comb-over. 568 00:37:46,639 --> 00:37:49,767 From the big lip to the little lip, right over the clit, 569 00:37:49,850 --> 00:37:51,894 tuck in the meat curtains if you got 'em. 570 00:37:51,978 --> 00:37:55,606 Get some Brylcreem and some dippity-do and a hair dryer. 571 00:37:58,234 --> 00:38:00,069 And just set it and forget it... 572 00:38:00,903 --> 00:38:02,655 and fucking shut it down. 573 00:38:13,416 --> 00:38:16,085 I understand how unnecessary that was. 574 00:38:22,717 --> 00:38:24,093 Somebody asked me to do this story. 575 00:38:24,176 --> 00:38:26,929 I'm going to do it, 'cause I'm surprised they know it, but... 576 00:38:28,431 --> 00:38:30,599 I support the Montreal Comedy Festival, 577 00:38:30,683 --> 00:38:33,477 and if you ever have a chance to go to Montreal in the summer 578 00:38:33,561 --> 00:38:36,564 to go to the festival, it's the coolest fucking thing there is. 579 00:38:36,647 --> 00:38:39,984 I do it all the time. Montreal's a gorgeous city, 580 00:38:40,067 --> 00:38:44,196 and the festivals are done in 20 venues all over the town, beautiful thing. 581 00:38:45,114 --> 00:38:48,409 And every year SiriusXM does a live broadcast from there. 582 00:38:48,534 --> 00:38:50,036 It was about three years ago, 583 00:38:50,119 --> 00:38:52,747 and there were six comics in an open forum, telling stories, 584 00:38:52,830 --> 00:38:54,415 and this is the story that I told. 585 00:38:54,498 --> 00:38:56,417 It's very short. It happened a long time ago, 586 00:38:57,168 --> 00:38:59,045 which doesn't fucking matter. 587 00:39:01,464 --> 00:39:05,134 It's not like if I told you the story without saying that, you'd have gone, 588 00:39:05,718 --> 00:39:09,221 "That was very short and happened a long time ago. 589 00:39:10,723 --> 00:39:12,975 I wish you would have told us that up front." 590 00:39:21,817 --> 00:39:25,154 I was the feature act at the Punchline Comedy Club 591 00:39:25,237 --> 00:39:27,073 in Sacramento, California. 592 00:39:27,656 --> 00:39:30,868 And traditionally in American comedy clubs, there's three acts. 593 00:39:30,951 --> 00:39:34,330 There's an opening act that makes between 100 and 200 a week for nine shows, 594 00:39:34,413 --> 00:39:35,915 the feature act, which is what I was, 595 00:39:35,998 --> 00:39:38,459 makes between 400 and 500 bucks a week for nine shows, 596 00:39:38,542 --> 00:39:41,170 and a headliner who can make absolutely anything 597 00:39:41,253 --> 00:39:42,755 depending on who they are. 598 00:39:42,838 --> 00:39:44,799 And traditionally during the week, 599 00:39:45,508 --> 00:39:47,468 these three comics would go to the mall 600 00:39:47,551 --> 00:39:51,180 and those two comics would watch that comic spend money. 601 00:39:53,474 --> 00:39:55,184 These two comics don't have any money. 602 00:39:55,267 --> 00:39:57,103 These are two broke fucking fingers. 603 00:39:59,230 --> 00:40:02,566 So I've just driven from Dallas to Sacramento to make $400. 604 00:40:02,650 --> 00:40:03,984 That's how much money I've got. 605 00:40:04,068 --> 00:40:05,653 So I don't have "go out and party money". 606 00:40:05,736 --> 00:40:08,864 I've got "go get a six-pack of beer and a frozen pizza". 607 00:40:08,948 --> 00:40:12,868 Not the good frozen pizza, the other fucking frozen fucking pizza, 608 00:40:13,619 --> 00:40:15,996 and go back to the shitty little motel they rent us, 609 00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:18,624 and one night a week, I'd let myself rent a porno movie, 610 00:40:18,707 --> 00:40:19,917 and I'd call this date night. 611 00:40:23,421 --> 00:40:27,508 So I'm all set up. My beer is cold. My pizza is done. I ordered the movie. 612 00:40:27,591 --> 00:40:31,095 It says, "Please enjoy your feature film," but nothing comes on the television. 613 00:40:31,178 --> 00:40:32,930 I'm like, "No! 614 00:40:34,140 --> 00:40:35,766 No, this has to fucking happen. 615 00:40:35,850 --> 00:40:37,935 I don't have another eight goddamn dollars." 616 00:40:38,352 --> 00:40:40,229 And I called the front desk in a panic. 617 00:40:40,312 --> 00:40:43,023 I said, "I ordered a movie, it said, 'Please enjoy your feature film,' 618 00:40:43,107 --> 00:40:44,233 but nothing came on the TV." 619 00:40:44,316 --> 00:40:46,902 She goes, "I'll send somebody over from Maintenance," I'm like... 620 00:40:52,450 --> 00:40:55,161 Knock on the door, it's a chick from Maintenance. "What's the problem?" 621 00:40:55,244 --> 00:40:56,328 I said, "I ordered a movie, 622 00:40:56,412 --> 00:40:59,123 it said, 'Please enjoy your feature film,' but nothing came on the TV." 623 00:40:59,206 --> 00:41:00,749 She goes, "What did you order?" 624 00:41:04,420 --> 00:41:05,463 Cast Away. 625 00:41:07,131 --> 00:41:09,592 She goes, "Look it's just on the wrong channel." Click. 626 00:41:13,929 --> 00:41:15,598 What's she doing to Wilson? 627 00:41:21,854 --> 00:41:23,522 She's gonna overinflate him. 628 00:41:33,949 --> 00:41:35,159 And, uh... 629 00:41:35,242 --> 00:41:38,078 this is a story my mother told me I should do on stage. 630 00:41:38,162 --> 00:41:40,998 I just told her the other day. Anyway... 631 00:41:41,081 --> 00:41:43,209 I was a bed-wetter, and... 632 00:41:44,418 --> 00:41:46,212 I was mortified by it. 633 00:41:46,295 --> 00:41:50,257 I mean, I wet the bed all the fucking time and I just hated myself for it. 634 00:41:50,341 --> 00:41:54,553 That's the worst thing you can be as a little kid is a fucking bed-wetter. 635 00:41:54,637 --> 00:41:57,139 And I would never go spend the night at anybody's house, 636 00:41:57,223 --> 00:42:00,017 'cause I knew I'd wet the bed and they'd find out I was a bed-wetter, 637 00:42:00,100 --> 00:42:02,436 and so far nobody really knew but my mom and my dad, 638 00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:04,688 and it was just my biggest secret. 639 00:42:04,772 --> 00:42:07,274 And I was about 12 years old 640 00:42:07,358 --> 00:42:09,652 and I had gone three months without wetting the bed. 641 00:42:09,735 --> 00:42:11,570 I'm like, "I'm through it. I'm fucking over it." 642 00:42:11,654 --> 00:42:14,073 So I decided to spend the night at Joe Paine's house, 643 00:42:14,156 --> 00:42:16,575 who had been my friend since I was six years old. 644 00:42:16,659 --> 00:42:20,120 And he had bunk beds in his room, and Joe Paine's on the top bed, 645 00:42:20,204 --> 00:42:21,580 Danny Davis is on the lower bed, 646 00:42:21,705 --> 00:42:24,041 and I'm on a sleeping bag on the floor, 647 00:42:24,542 --> 00:42:28,045 and I wet the fucking bed, and I'm, like, mortified. 648 00:42:28,128 --> 00:42:32,091 I'm like, "They're gonna know. They're gonna know I'm a fucking bed-wetter. 649 00:42:32,174 --> 00:42:34,969 My fucking life is over. They're going to fucking know. 650 00:42:37,012 --> 00:42:38,806 Nothing could make this better. 651 00:42:40,057 --> 00:42:41,100 Unless... 652 00:42:42,643 --> 00:42:44,520 one of them wet the bed." 653 00:42:46,105 --> 00:42:49,858 And as a 12-year-old, I make a conscious decision 654 00:42:50,317 --> 00:42:52,820 to piss on my friend... 655 00:42:56,532 --> 00:42:58,367 to make me look better. 656 00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:02,621 That's what kind of person I am right there, 12 years old. 657 00:43:02,705 --> 00:43:05,374 You imagine how I think fucking now what I'd do to you. 658 00:43:06,917 --> 00:43:10,296 I'd have peed on both of them, but one of them was too fucking high 659 00:43:10,379 --> 00:43:14,800 and I was like, I'd piss on the wall trying to piss on that guy. I was 12. 660 00:43:14,883 --> 00:43:16,927 I could piss like a fucking fire hydrant. 661 00:43:18,512 --> 00:43:20,889 And Danny wakes up and he goes, "I had a dream. 662 00:43:20,973 --> 00:43:23,017 Somebody was peeing on me! 663 00:43:23,934 --> 00:43:25,603 And I wet the bed!" 664 00:43:26,228 --> 00:43:28,897 And I'm like, "Me too!" 665 00:43:37,114 --> 00:43:38,490 And I never told him. 666 00:43:39,325 --> 00:43:41,869 I always let him think he wet the fucking bed. 667 00:43:42,995 --> 00:43:45,539 And the way he found out he didn't wet the bed, 668 00:43:45,623 --> 00:43:48,500 is he lived in Round Rock, Texas, and I hadn't really seen him in years, 669 00:43:48,584 --> 00:43:51,962 and I was doing this radio station and I told that story, 670 00:43:52,421 --> 00:43:55,841 and he called the radio station, "You fucking pissed on me? 671 00:43:56,717 --> 00:43:57,885 You let me think, 672 00:43:57,968 --> 00:44:01,513 I went my whole life, that I'd pissed in Joe Paine's fucking bunk bed?" 673 00:44:17,821 --> 00:44:21,867 So my wife and I, we both tour extensively, and, uh... 674 00:44:21,950 --> 00:44:27,498 she bought us two dogs, which, you know, just makes touring easier if you... 675 00:44:30,542 --> 00:44:33,754 have a couple of dogs to drag with you on all those flights, and... 676 00:44:33,837 --> 00:44:37,508 she bought us two French Bulldogs. If you don't know what they look like, 677 00:44:37,591 --> 00:44:40,427 it looks like a pug was raped by a fruit bat. 678 00:44:47,434 --> 00:44:48,894 She brings these dogs home, 679 00:44:48,977 --> 00:44:51,689 and I'm like, "What the fuck?" And she goes, "They're watchdogs," 680 00:44:51,772 --> 00:44:53,774 I'm like, "What are they gonna watch? Television?" 681 00:44:55,025 --> 00:44:57,277 But it turns out, they're great watchdogs. 682 00:44:57,361 --> 00:44:59,488 And not because if somebody was breaking into our house, 683 00:44:59,571 --> 00:45:02,116 they would make a bunch of noise and scare those people away, 684 00:45:02,199 --> 00:45:04,410 because you couldn't possibly wake them up. 685 00:45:06,245 --> 00:45:08,664 But when somebody breaks into our house now, 686 00:45:08,747 --> 00:45:12,918 they discover that all of our things have been chewed up and pissed on. 687 00:45:16,130 --> 00:45:19,550 And word of that spreads throughout the criminal community. 688 00:45:20,718 --> 00:45:22,761 And nobody wants our shit anymore. 689 00:45:26,932 --> 00:45:28,100 We don't even want it. 690 00:45:31,019 --> 00:45:34,565 I'm the watchdog at our house. I'm the reluctant watchdog. 691 00:45:36,191 --> 00:45:37,526 I don't sleep very well. 692 00:45:38,444 --> 00:45:39,903 I have sleep apnea, 693 00:45:40,529 --> 00:45:42,114 which keeps my wife awake. 694 00:45:45,325 --> 00:45:49,580 I think if it didn't keep my wife awake, I wouldn't know I had it. 695 00:45:58,714 --> 00:46:01,925 Here's what I get at three o'clock in the morning when I have a six o'clock flight: 696 00:46:02,342 --> 00:46:04,636 [whispering] "Ron. Ron, wake up. 697 00:46:05,345 --> 00:46:07,055 Ron, wake up. Did you hear that?" 698 00:46:12,227 --> 00:46:15,439 Did you just wake me up to ask me if I heard something? 699 00:46:18,650 --> 00:46:20,903 [whispering] "Did you?" Do you think I fucking heard it? 700 00:46:22,738 --> 00:46:23,781 "Go see what it is." 701 00:46:23,864 --> 00:46:25,616 Wake up those fucking dogs you bought. 702 00:46:25,699 --> 00:46:26,909 That's the whole plan. 703 00:46:26,992 --> 00:46:28,660 I walk out there and get shot, 704 00:46:28,744 --> 00:46:31,997 her and them dogs leave out the back door, hop in the Mercedes, 705 00:46:32,080 --> 00:46:34,374 live the life of Riley, 706 00:46:35,042 --> 00:46:38,670 while I bleed to death on that fucking rug she had to have. 707 00:46:43,133 --> 00:46:44,510 And there's never anybody there. 708 00:46:44,593 --> 00:46:48,013 I have no idea what I'd do if I walked out and somebody was there, I'd be like... 709 00:46:48,096 --> 00:46:49,306 [yawning] 710 00:46:49,389 --> 00:46:50,224 [click] 711 00:46:51,099 --> 00:46:52,017 Oh, hey. 712 00:46:54,520 --> 00:46:55,604 You were right! 713 00:46:57,439 --> 00:46:59,191 Call 9-1-1 or something. 714 00:46:59,942 --> 00:47:03,278 Don't worry about them. They're watchdogs. They just like to watch. 715 00:47:04,321 --> 00:47:07,032 If you tilt that a little bit, you can get it through that door. 716 00:47:08,367 --> 00:47:11,495 I know it smells like piss. It all smells like piss, dude. 717 00:47:12,746 --> 00:47:14,957 I'd help you move it out, but I'm bleeding. 718 00:47:15,749 --> 00:47:19,253 You should have the person help you move all the shit out and then shoot him. 719 00:47:19,336 --> 00:47:21,088 I'm also an idea man. 720 00:47:26,093 --> 00:47:28,887 And I am an idea man, too. This is my new idea. 721 00:47:28,971 --> 00:47:30,013 This is, uh... 722 00:47:30,722 --> 00:47:33,392 This is brilliant. It's a dating website... 723 00:47:33,475 --> 00:47:36,436 and I actually saw another dating website that made me think of mine. 724 00:47:36,979 --> 00:47:40,399 The one I saw was called, "It's Just Lunch," 725 00:47:40,482 --> 00:47:42,734 and what they do is they just hook people up, 726 00:47:42,818 --> 00:47:45,487 and they have lunch, broad daylight, right in the middle of the day. 727 00:47:45,571 --> 00:47:48,490 [high-pitched] That's all. Just lunch. We're just gonna have lunch. 728 00:47:48,574 --> 00:47:50,158 That's all. Just lunch. 729 00:47:50,242 --> 00:47:53,787 Maybe a salad and a sandwich. Maybe a half a sandwich and a soup. 730 00:47:53,871 --> 00:47:55,122 You know, they do that now. 731 00:47:55,205 --> 00:47:58,166 Probably a big glass of tea with a big slice of lemon. 732 00:47:58,250 --> 00:47:59,585 We're just gonna have lunch. 733 00:47:59,668 --> 00:48:01,670 That's all. Just lunch. 734 00:48:08,343 --> 00:48:09,386 Okay, here's mine: 735 00:48:10,512 --> 00:48:12,055 Just lunch, and a blowjob. 736 00:48:14,224 --> 00:48:15,934 See how much funner it is to say? 737 00:48:16,018 --> 00:48:18,061 It's almost like there's a clown there. 738 00:48:18,145 --> 00:48:20,480 [silly voice] "Just lunch and a blowjob!" 739 00:48:24,610 --> 00:48:26,987 Lady in the first show goes, "What's in it for the woman?" 740 00:48:27,112 --> 00:48:28,447 I'm like, "Lunch." 741 00:48:34,119 --> 00:48:35,746 [high-pitched] It's just lunch. 742 00:48:42,544 --> 00:48:46,465 My doctor the other day said, "Ron, you cannot gain any more weight," 743 00:48:46,548 --> 00:48:48,675 and I said, "That's what I thought." 744 00:48:56,141 --> 00:48:59,519 My wife's on my ass about me taking better care of myself. 745 00:49:00,437 --> 00:49:02,898 She bought me a bicycle, thinking I might ride it. 746 00:49:04,232 --> 00:49:05,275 It's for sale. 747 00:49:06,944 --> 00:49:09,363 And if you're looking for a bicycle, it's a great deal. 748 00:49:09,446 --> 00:49:11,573 It's got 750 yards on it. 749 00:49:13,033 --> 00:49:16,328 It was a demo when I bought it, had 350 yards already on it, 750 00:49:16,411 --> 00:49:18,580 but I put the other 400 yards on it myself. 751 00:49:18,997 --> 00:49:22,876 And if you'd like to buy the bicycle, just go to my house in Beverly Hills, 752 00:49:23,543 --> 00:49:26,296 and it's 400 yards from there. 753 00:49:33,136 --> 00:49:35,013 Fuck it. I'll walk back. 754 00:49:38,725 --> 00:49:42,020 I think, at 61 years old, my best fucking days are behind me, 755 00:49:42,104 --> 00:49:45,023 'cause it wasn't that long ago that I could make my wife scream 756 00:49:45,107 --> 00:49:47,401 and now she makes any noise at all, it's to go, 757 00:49:48,026 --> 00:49:50,487 "Do you need to take a little break or...? 758 00:49:51,488 --> 00:49:54,032 You look like you just ate a ghost pepper." 759 00:49:58,620 --> 00:50:01,164 What the fuck is that supposed to mean? 760 00:50:03,583 --> 00:50:07,212 I'm better at oral sex than I've ever been and I think it's just because I'm older 761 00:50:07,295 --> 00:50:10,173 and I'm just more patient than I was when I was young, because... 762 00:50:10,257 --> 00:50:14,094 'cause now I'll lay there for hours and let you do your thing. 763 00:50:14,928 --> 00:50:15,762 I... 764 00:50:21,268 --> 00:50:22,811 I got nowhere to be. 765 00:50:27,649 --> 00:50:30,235 My friend told me the other day that he wouldn't give his wife head 766 00:50:30,318 --> 00:50:31,903 unless she just came out of the shower, 767 00:50:31,987 --> 00:50:35,323 and I told him I'll give my wife head if she just came out of the gym. 768 00:50:36,324 --> 00:50:38,076 'Cause I don't care if she's a little salty. 769 00:50:40,746 --> 00:50:44,207 In fact, if she's too clean, I salt her. I do. 770 00:50:44,291 --> 00:50:46,334 I keep a salt shaker by the side of the bed. 771 00:50:46,418 --> 00:50:48,462 When she looks the other way, I just grab it. 772 00:50:50,714 --> 00:50:52,466 I think it brings out the flavor. 773 00:50:52,549 --> 00:50:54,509 I really do. I really do. 774 00:50:56,511 --> 00:50:57,345 In the summer, 775 00:50:57,429 --> 00:51:00,265 I keep a bowl of limes right next to the salt shaker, 776 00:51:00,348 --> 00:51:03,852 and I'll just get a lime, squirt a little lime juice in there, 777 00:51:03,935 --> 00:51:08,231 little bit of salt, hunker down, do some pussy shots. 778 00:51:08,315 --> 00:51:09,399 That's what I do. 779 00:51:15,447 --> 00:51:17,574 Do not try that at home. 780 00:51:19,534 --> 00:51:21,953 I got like 20 tweets from one guy, going, 781 00:51:22,037 --> 00:51:25,874 "My wife's pussy was burning like..." No, you didn't. 782 00:51:26,917 --> 00:51:28,376 You fucking idiot. 783 00:51:28,460 --> 00:51:30,587 No, you fucking didn't. 784 00:51:30,670 --> 00:51:33,673 You went to one of my shows, you-- She let you! 785 00:51:34,508 --> 00:51:37,969 You and her were standing in the kitchen and looked at that lime. 786 00:51:44,810 --> 00:51:46,812 You can't fix stupid. 787 00:51:48,105 --> 00:51:50,857 [cheering and applause] 788 00:52:08,834 --> 00:52:10,627 [whistling] 789 00:52:11,920 --> 00:52:13,713 I'm on break. Sorry. 790 00:52:18,635 --> 00:52:21,096 Cheers, this is just special, right here. 791 00:52:21,179 --> 00:52:23,098 You guys are amazing. Thanks a lot. 792 00:52:23,181 --> 00:52:24,015 [whooping] 793 00:52:29,771 --> 00:52:30,856 Um... 794 00:52:32,816 --> 00:52:34,276 The other day, um... 795 00:52:35,610 --> 00:52:37,654 Jeff... Jeff Foxworthy and I were... 796 00:52:37,737 --> 00:52:41,032 Jeff has a special on Sirius called The Comic's Mind, 797 00:52:41,116 --> 00:52:43,076 and he'd been talking to me about doing it. 798 00:52:43,160 --> 00:52:45,245 And we decided on a date that we would do it, 799 00:52:45,328 --> 00:52:48,081 and we decided to do it from the Punchline here in Atlanta 800 00:52:48,165 --> 00:52:50,458 in front of a live crowd, and it was really fun. 801 00:52:50,542 --> 00:52:53,545 And it really reminded Jeff and I of how much fun we have on stage together 802 00:52:53,628 --> 00:52:55,589 and how much we like to play off each other. 803 00:52:55,672 --> 00:52:58,175 And before the thing started, 804 00:52:58,258 --> 00:53:01,636 I had my tour bus up there, Jeff and I are sitting on my tour bus 805 00:53:01,720 --> 00:53:04,347 and this Golden Corral commercial comes on television, 806 00:53:04,431 --> 00:53:06,057 which is where Jeff works now. 807 00:53:08,935 --> 00:53:12,564 And I double snotted my own fucking television. 808 00:53:12,647 --> 00:53:14,149 It was so fucking funny. 809 00:53:14,232 --> 00:53:16,484 I'm like, "Really? Golden Corral? 810 00:53:17,068 --> 00:53:20,780 What kind of balls does it take to put the word 'corral' 811 00:53:20,864 --> 00:53:23,575 on the name of your fucking restaurant?" 812 00:53:24,618 --> 00:53:26,536 Boy, do they know that demographic! 813 00:53:28,330 --> 00:53:31,166 Come on down to the Golden Corral. 814 00:53:31,249 --> 00:53:35,003 [mooing] 815 00:53:35,086 --> 00:53:38,340 Welcome to our giant all-you-can-eat food trough. 816 00:53:38,423 --> 00:53:40,842 [mooing] 817 00:53:41,635 --> 00:53:44,763 We have a chocolate waterfall and a cotton candy machine. 818 00:53:44,846 --> 00:53:46,514 [bleating] 819 00:53:47,849 --> 00:53:50,852 I can't wait till they go hog-wild and just put a sugar lick 820 00:53:50,936 --> 00:53:53,146 right there in the middle of the fucking room. 821 00:53:55,315 --> 00:53:56,733 That's delicious. 822 00:53:57,025 --> 00:53:59,277 That little spot tastes like Skittles. 823 00:54:00,946 --> 00:54:03,949 "Get too fat at the Golden Corral, go to the Dress Barn." 824 00:54:04,032 --> 00:54:05,784 That's insensitive right there. 825 00:54:05,867 --> 00:54:11,748 "Get a dress the size of a fucking barn and come on back to the Golden Corral." 826 00:54:11,831 --> 00:54:15,085 [mooing] 827 00:54:18,838 --> 00:54:20,715 They call it Golden Corral, of course, 828 00:54:20,799 --> 00:54:24,928 because somebody was already using the name "Ye Olde Fat Fuckery". 829 00:54:34,020 --> 00:54:36,940 My cousin Ray, who I've talked about on stage before, 830 00:54:37,023 --> 00:54:39,651 he's a real guy, he only eats at the Golden Corral 831 00:54:39,734 --> 00:54:43,446 because my cousin Ray only dates... huge women. 832 00:54:44,030 --> 00:54:47,951 That's his deal. Always has been. He likes them big big. 833 00:54:48,034 --> 00:54:50,120 Not plump girls, not fat girls. 834 00:54:50,203 --> 00:54:52,038 Great big, old big 'uns. 835 00:54:52,122 --> 00:54:54,040 Great big old, big old, big 'uns. 836 00:54:54,124 --> 00:54:56,793 Big old round 'uns, big old... 837 00:54:57,210 --> 00:55:00,880 muumuu and 400-plus, great big old big 'uns. 838 00:55:01,840 --> 00:55:05,635 And he said that the Golden Corral's the best place to find these people 839 00:55:05,719 --> 00:55:08,388 'cause he says that's where the really big girls like to winter. 840 00:55:08,471 --> 00:55:09,389 He didn't say that. 841 00:55:12,017 --> 00:55:13,685 He brought one to Vegas last year, 842 00:55:13,768 --> 00:55:16,313 and I saw her by the swimming pool in a two-piece bathing suit, 843 00:55:16,396 --> 00:55:20,400 and I can't jack the fucking memory out of my goddamn skull. 844 00:55:21,484 --> 00:55:23,778 Looked like somebody had stretched a rubber band 845 00:55:23,862 --> 00:55:26,031 over a gigantic hall of fucking... 846 00:55:26,448 --> 00:55:27,741 Let me try that again. 847 00:55:32,329 --> 00:55:34,622 [audience whooping] 848 00:55:35,248 --> 00:55:37,375 Looked like somebody had stretched a... 849 00:55:39,544 --> 00:55:41,421 Looked like somebody had stretched a rubber band 850 00:55:41,504 --> 00:55:43,882 over a gigantic head of cauliflower. 851 00:55:44,299 --> 00:55:46,009 [cheering and applause] 852 00:55:51,014 --> 00:55:52,766 And I was like, "Goddamn, Ray!" 853 00:55:52,849 --> 00:55:54,559 He said, "Well, she's had three kids." 854 00:55:54,642 --> 00:55:56,019 I'm like, "What, for lunch? 855 00:55:56,102 --> 00:55:57,145 Fuck, dude. 856 00:56:00,523 --> 00:56:02,525 You got to quit eating them babies, ma'am. 857 00:56:05,195 --> 00:56:07,238 Put down that ketchup and drop that toddler. 858 00:56:09,449 --> 00:56:11,785 Eat this baby goose pussy lip taco." 859 00:56:22,379 --> 00:56:24,089 Back in 1996, 860 00:56:24,172 --> 00:56:27,217 my dear friend Jeff Foxworthy became the biggest comedian that ever lived. 861 00:56:27,300 --> 00:56:28,551 I don't know if you know. 862 00:56:28,635 --> 00:56:32,680 Jeff sold more comedy albums than Richard Pryor and Bill Cosby combined. 863 00:56:32,764 --> 00:56:34,641 Over 15 million albums, 864 00:56:34,724 --> 00:56:38,144 not including the millions and millions of Blue Collar albums you guys bought. 865 00:56:38,228 --> 00:56:41,481 Thank you from the bottom of my heart for that. 866 00:56:41,564 --> 00:56:43,566 [cheering and applause] 867 00:56:47,987 --> 00:56:50,532 When Jeff got big enough to take somebody with him, 868 00:56:50,615 --> 00:56:51,991 he took me with him, 869 00:56:52,117 --> 00:56:55,078 which was an amazingly gracious thing for Jeff to do for me. 870 00:56:55,537 --> 00:56:58,873 He always believed in my talent, but not my work ethic. 871 00:57:01,292 --> 00:57:04,587 And it was his goal for a lot of years to make me a famous comedian, 872 00:57:04,671 --> 00:57:08,174 and he truly sucks at it, 'cause it took him for fuckin' ever. 873 00:57:10,718 --> 00:57:14,681 I don't mean to seem ungrateful, but I got shit to do, Jeff. 874 00:57:22,730 --> 00:57:26,151 First big gig we did together was the first week in December 1996 875 00:57:26,234 --> 00:57:27,986 at the MGM Grand in Vegas. 876 00:57:28,069 --> 00:57:31,573 And You Might Be A Redneck had been the number one-selling comedy album 877 00:57:31,656 --> 00:57:33,116 in the country for a year and a half. 878 00:57:33,199 --> 00:57:36,703 It's still the number one-selling comedy album of all time, and, uh... 879 00:57:37,412 --> 00:57:39,706 Jeff had been my friend for ten years, and suddenly, kaboom, 880 00:57:39,789 --> 00:57:41,374 he's the biggest comedian in the world. 881 00:57:41,458 --> 00:57:45,795 His face is plastered all over Vegas and we are having a fucking blast. 882 00:57:46,337 --> 00:57:49,507 We have an all-access pass to Las Vegas, 883 00:57:49,924 --> 00:57:54,804 which is way better than the no-access pass we had right before that. 884 00:57:58,725 --> 00:58:02,061 Well, that same year my dear friend Bill Engvall, the dancer... 885 00:58:07,442 --> 00:58:08,860 People ask me all the time, 886 00:58:08,943 --> 00:58:11,029 "Do you think you'll ever do Dancing With The Stars?" 887 00:58:11,112 --> 00:58:14,949 I'm like, "Not unless something goes horribly fucking wrong." 888 00:58:19,829 --> 00:58:22,665 Well, that year, Bill was touring with Reba McEntire. 889 00:58:22,749 --> 00:58:26,085 The same week we were at the MGM Grand, they were at Caesars Palace, 890 00:58:26,169 --> 00:58:28,296 and that same weekend, Larry The Cable Guy was at 891 00:58:28,379 --> 00:58:31,424 the International House of Pancakes in Tucson, Arizona. 892 00:58:34,219 --> 00:58:35,887 Just getting her done, and... 893 00:58:37,430 --> 00:58:39,724 He wasn't there, but the three of us were. 894 00:58:39,807 --> 00:58:42,769 And I was there with a woman I couldn't stand... eventually. 895 00:58:44,646 --> 00:58:47,774 Now she was beautiful, beautiful. 896 00:58:48,233 --> 00:58:50,693 She was beautiful. 40 years old, never been married, 897 00:58:50,777 --> 00:58:52,695 which makes you a little suspicious. 898 00:58:53,446 --> 00:58:55,990 'Cause usually if a woman is that beautiful at 40 899 00:58:56,074 --> 00:58:57,283 and never been married, 900 00:58:57,367 --> 00:59:01,496 either they give horrible head or they're completely insane. 901 00:59:02,330 --> 00:59:04,374 And three hours after I met this chick, 902 00:59:04,457 --> 00:59:05,959 I'm laying on my back going, 903 00:59:06,042 --> 00:59:08,169 [tightly] "This bitch is crazy." 904 00:59:18,012 --> 00:59:19,264 And I was right. 905 00:59:21,641 --> 00:59:23,059 But I took her to Vegas. 906 00:59:24,227 --> 00:59:28,523 Well, Bill's doing one show at the big Forum down at Caesars, 907 00:59:28,606 --> 00:59:31,276 and we're doing three shows a night in a smaller room. 908 00:59:31,442 --> 00:59:34,028 So when Bill gets finished, he comes down and does a set with us 909 00:59:34,153 --> 00:59:35,655 and when we get done with our shows, 910 00:59:35,738 --> 00:59:37,657 Bill and Jeff wanna go drinking and gambling, 911 00:59:37,740 --> 00:59:41,452 and I want to go to a prayer meeting and a poetry reading that I'd heard about. 912 00:59:42,245 --> 00:59:44,330 But they keep hounding me 913 00:59:45,331 --> 00:59:47,292 till I say, "Yeah, fuck it, let's go." 914 00:59:48,793 --> 00:59:52,922 But I didn't want her to go. She was trash drunk on red wine. 915 00:59:53,006 --> 00:59:54,132 [whispering] Charming. 916 00:59:55,967 --> 00:59:57,051 Charming. 917 00:59:58,219 --> 01:00:00,430 I said, "Let me go talk to her," so I go up to the room. 918 01:00:00,513 --> 01:00:03,975 I go, "I know it's our first night in town but I'm gonna go drinking with the boys," 919 01:00:04,058 --> 01:00:08,187 and she goes, [slurring] "Fine, just leave me in a hotel room by myself?" 920 01:00:08,271 --> 01:00:10,273 I'm like, "You're starting to get it." 921 01:00:12,942 --> 01:00:14,235 And we go out that night, 922 01:00:14,319 --> 01:00:16,821 it was one of the funnest nights of my life, uh... 923 01:00:16,946 --> 01:00:19,699 We had been friends for ten years, so we were young comics together, 924 01:00:19,782 --> 01:00:21,909 and that's what we used to talk about as young comics. 925 01:00:21,993 --> 01:00:23,578 We would sit around, drink, and... 926 01:00:23,661 --> 01:00:25,622 and talk about maybe one day, you know? 927 01:00:25,705 --> 01:00:28,541 Maybe one day we'll be the big comics in Vegas, 928 01:00:28,625 --> 01:00:31,002 and our names will be on those big fucking signs. 929 01:00:31,085 --> 01:00:33,338 That's something we dreamed about and it fucking happened. 930 01:00:33,421 --> 01:00:37,425 And that was the first time all three of us had our names on big signs in Vegas, 931 01:00:37,592 --> 01:00:40,345 and we went outside to look at it, and I was like, "Fuck, now what? 932 01:00:42,889 --> 01:00:43,723 Jeff? 933 01:00:46,726 --> 01:00:47,977 Any ideas?" 934 01:00:48,895 --> 01:00:50,897 Anyway, it gets to be 5:30 in the morning. 935 01:00:50,980 --> 01:00:54,150 We decided to break it up, and Vegas will make you horny if you let it. 936 01:00:55,318 --> 01:00:57,820 I go back up to the room and she's passed out, 937 01:00:57,904 --> 01:01:00,323 in this negligee, and she's fucking gorgeous. 938 01:01:00,406 --> 01:01:02,700 But I know if I wake her up trying to have sex with her, 939 01:01:02,784 --> 01:01:06,496 she'll hit me in the face with a bucket of nickels I just spotted on the nightstand. 940 01:01:07,205 --> 01:01:10,875 And I don't need a new mugshot 'cause my last one was so good. 941 01:01:19,342 --> 01:01:21,469 Is that Glen Campbell or Nick Nolte? 942 01:01:24,514 --> 01:01:27,725 No, that's our boy Tater Salad, is who that is. 943 01:01:28,393 --> 01:01:30,061 [cheering] 944 01:01:33,439 --> 01:01:35,692 So I decide, "Well, I'll just do it myself," 945 01:01:35,817 --> 01:01:39,487 so I rummage around in the dark, find some lotion, cut to the next morning. 946 01:01:39,570 --> 01:01:41,280 I'm sure you're grateful. 947 01:01:43,449 --> 01:01:47,286 I wake up the next morning with this shit hangover, 948 01:01:47,370 --> 01:01:49,956 and she's already making coffee,  and I wake up and she goes, 949 01:01:51,124 --> 01:01:52,959 "What's wrong with your hand?" 950 01:01:59,132 --> 01:02:01,426 My hand is dark orange. 951 01:02:09,016 --> 01:02:12,937 Bain de Soleil sunless tanning lotion... 952 01:02:15,148 --> 01:02:17,775 for dark skin only, 953 01:02:18,985 --> 01:02:21,362 and apparently I was getting down, 954 01:02:21,446 --> 01:02:23,740 'cause it was on my nipples 955 01:02:23,823 --> 01:02:25,908 and the inside of my thigh. 956 01:02:26,743 --> 01:02:29,120 Thanks for playing along. I hope you guys enjoyed it. 957 01:02:29,203 --> 01:02:31,664 That's it for tonight. Thank you very much. 958 01:02:31,748 --> 01:02:34,041 [country rock music] (Like, Share and Follow our Instagram @Layarkaca21indo.id for Support)