1
00:00:37,393 --> 00:00:39,659
Did you know that when someone
attractive enters your sight line
2
00:00:39,759 --> 00:00:42,526
your pupils dilate 20 percent?
3
00:00:42,626 --> 00:00:46,060
Or when someone falls in love
their brain floods with dopamine?
4
00:00:46,160 --> 00:00:50,525
You know what else causes
that chemical reaction? Narcotics.
5
00:00:51,325 --> 00:00:53,258
It's crazy, right?
6
00:00:53,358 --> 00:00:56,359
But that's the fun shit
I'm learning right now.
7
00:00:57,058 --> 00:01:00,325
See, I've been hired to write
this romantic comedy screenplay...
8
00:01:01,047 --> 00:01:05,925
and the problem is I've never actually,
you know... been in love, so...
9
00:01:10,157 --> 00:01:12,757
it's slow-going.
10
00:01:13,691 --> 00:01:15,857
Yeah... intelligent.
11
00:01:16,257 --> 00:01:18,391
To help, I rely on this writer's trick.
12
00:01:18,790 --> 00:01:20,757
When other people tell me
their tales of romance
13
00:01:20,857 --> 00:01:23,957
I try to imagine myself
as the characters in the story.
14
00:01:24,057 --> 00:01:27,857
You know, the ones... in love.
15
00:01:27,957 --> 00:01:32,572
It's kind of a desperate attempt to feel
something, I suppose. Anything, really.
16
00:01:32,672 --> 00:01:36,556
It's a little narcissistic,
but it works.
17
00:01:37,956 --> 00:01:42,688
I think the closest I ever came
would be the summer of '89.
18
00:01:44,323 --> 00:01:46,856
Kristin... my babysitter.
19
00:01:46,956 --> 00:01:51,322
We were deeply, passionately,
madly in love for one glorious night.
20
00:01:51,421 --> 00:01:54,455
Until my granddad came home
early from poker.
21
00:01:54,555 --> 00:01:57,834
God, could she dance.
I think since then,
22
00:01:57,934 --> 00:02:01,956
all of my experiences involving love
usually start out something like this.
23
00:02:04,289 --> 00:02:06,255
You know, I always did think
you were pretty cute.
24
00:02:06,355 --> 00:02:08,854
You still got that boyfriend?
25
00:02:08,954 --> 00:02:12,234
- Yeah.
- You guys in love?
26
00:02:14,621 --> 00:02:17,587
Then they lead somewhere like this.
27
00:02:19,254 --> 00:02:23,486
And then usually end up
something like this.
28
00:02:24,087 --> 00:02:26,586
How about some back story?
29
00:02:26,686 --> 00:02:30,226
- No, it's a Rom-Com.
- No... romance.
30
00:02:30,326 --> 00:02:33,653
It's a favor for the producer,
because the studio hates the third act.
31
00:02:33,753 --> 00:02:35,820
This is gonna be huge. Okay?
32
00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:39,920
They have... Ashley Tisdale
from High School Musical
33
00:02:40,020 --> 00:02:44,519
and Matthew Morrison from Glee!
It's gonna be huge!
34
00:02:44,919 --> 00:02:47,463
I can see the poster now, man.
35
00:02:47,563 --> 00:02:50,233
- Morr-Ash.
- That's not a thing.
36
00:02:50,332 --> 00:02:53,780
I just made it a thing.
Come on, play along!
37
00:02:55,119 --> 00:02:57,642
Work your magic on this one
because the same producer
38
00:02:57,742 --> 00:02:59,899
has a huge action job coming up.
39
00:02:59,999 --> 00:03:02,851
- All right? Set in Malaysia!
- You know I'm dying to write action.
40
00:03:02,951 --> 00:03:07,185
So, do the Rom-Com
and I will get you the action job.
41
00:03:07,285 --> 00:03:11,518
It's six weeks in Malaysia!
Malaysian women.
42
00:03:13,151 --> 00:03:16,384
- You ever bang a Malaysian chick before?
- No.
43
00:03:16,484 --> 00:03:20,452
Man... this cigarette is like
an elephant's dick to them.
44
00:03:20,752 --> 00:03:24,885
They're sweet and warm and genuine.
They're caring, beautiful women...
45
00:03:26,566 --> 00:03:29,084
that you can rip apart!
46
00:03:29,683 --> 00:03:31,266
Yeah!
47
00:03:31,365 --> 00:03:34,096
And Swayze says to her,
for the first time,
48
00:03:34,196 --> 00:03:35,883
because he's never
been able to say this before...
49
00:03:35,983 --> 00:03:40,017
"I love you, Molly. I...
50
00:03:42,516 --> 00:03:44,382
"I've always loved you."
51
00:03:44,482 --> 00:03:49,082
And then Demi Moore
says to him, "Ditto."
52
00:03:49,182 --> 00:03:52,615
Remember that's what he said to her...
at the beginning of the movie?
53
00:03:52,715 --> 00:03:55,382
Okay. It's no Terminator, but...
54
00:03:55,482 --> 00:03:57,916
What? I'm s... wait, what?
55
00:03:58,016 --> 00:04:01,514
I'm sorry, you think Terminator
is more romantic than Ghost?
56
00:04:01,614 --> 00:04:02,482
Yeah.
57
00:04:02,582 --> 00:04:06,381
Okay, you're messing with me.
Oh, my God, you're not messing with me.
58
00:04:06,481 --> 00:04:09,654
- Okay, Terminator? Okay...
- It's the same guy who did Titanic.
59
00:04:09,754 --> 00:04:13,181
Okay... this is...
my head's gonna explode.
60
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:15,548
I'll be back.
61
00:04:16,347 --> 00:04:18,425
And that's not a reference to...
62
00:04:18,525 --> 00:04:21,369
many people have said that...
in the history of time.
63
00:04:21,469 --> 00:04:25,480
This is my buddy, Scott.
We'd been friends since the day we met.
64
00:04:28,032 --> 00:04:29,847
Excuse me!
65
00:04:30,781 --> 00:04:32,770
You left your...
66
00:04:34,714 --> 00:04:37,413
Hey! You left your package!
67
00:04:40,012 --> 00:04:41,519
Hey!
68
00:04:41,619 --> 00:04:43,679
Hey, wait up!
69
00:04:43,779 --> 00:04:44,867
Shit!
70
00:04:47,979 --> 00:04:50,146
Shit. Don't hurt me, I'm a writer.
71
00:04:50,245 --> 00:04:52,412
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Why are you running?
72
00:04:52,612 --> 00:04:55,452
- Because you were chasing me!
- Because you left your package.
73
00:04:55,552 --> 00:04:57,845
On purpose... Oh, my God.
74
00:04:57,945 --> 00:05:01,278
Who leaves packages on purpose?
You can't do that shit post-911, you know.
75
00:05:01,378 --> 00:05:04,212
It's my favorite novel,
Love in the Time of Cholera.
76
00:05:04,312 --> 00:05:09,507
I leave it random places
for people to find. It's...
77
00:05:09,607 --> 00:05:11,278
It's my art.
78
00:05:15,111 --> 00:05:16,877
- You're insane?
- Yeah.
79
00:05:16,977 --> 00:05:19,138
- What's your name?
- I'm Scott.
80
00:05:19,237 --> 00:05:22,277
- All right. Let's get your bag.
- Holy shit.
81
00:05:22,877 --> 00:05:25,577
All right, what's up, N-word?
82
00:05:25,677 --> 00:05:29,011
So, the guy character
has multiple personalities.
83
00:05:29,111 --> 00:05:31,744
He meets the girl character,
who has multiple personalities.
84
00:05:31,844 --> 00:05:36,880
And one of his personalities falls in love
with one of her personalities.
85
00:05:37,243 --> 00:05:38,710
That sounds really good.
86
00:05:40,176 --> 00:05:42,810
It's terrible. It's full of clichés.
87
00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:46,806
It has a gay, best friend personality.
It has a bitch, girlfriend personality.
88
00:05:46,906 --> 00:05:48,976
It has a feisty, Hispanic personality.
89
00:05:49,076 --> 00:05:51,909
It has a black, female,
detective personality.
90
00:05:52,208 --> 00:05:54,667
Oh, there's even an act three
running-through-an-airport scene.
91
00:05:55,775 --> 00:05:57,776
God, I love
running-through-the-airport scenes.
92
00:05:58,076 --> 00:06:00,976
Okay, we gotta top that.
Put them on a bridge.
93
00:06:01,375 --> 00:06:02,991
How romantic is that?
You got two people on a bridge,
94
00:06:03,091 --> 00:06:06,562
maybe there's like a whole crowd
following them and cheering... and like,
95
00:06:06,662 --> 00:06:08,443
- you know, maybe one guy's doing...
- Yeah, I'm not doing any of that.
96
00:06:08,543 --> 00:06:12,541
- But like a slow clap, like...
- I'm not doing any of that, Scott.
97
00:06:12,841 --> 00:06:15,507
Well, then you're not really
making a Rom-Com.
98
00:06:15,607 --> 00:06:18,534
Look, if I'm gonna do this,
I just wanna write something
99
00:06:18,634 --> 00:06:23,240
that shows love how it really is,
you know? Not funny, not romantic.
100
00:06:23,340 --> 00:06:26,441
Okay... but that kind of
sounds like a downer.
101
00:06:26,541 --> 00:06:29,108
Let me explain.
Love starts out like this...
102
00:06:30,406 --> 00:06:32,974
I'm sorry, my palms get kind of sweaty.
103
00:06:33,074 --> 00:06:35,002
I don't care.
104
00:06:35,102 --> 00:06:37,342
I love you.
105
00:06:37,807 --> 00:06:41,173
And then he threw up.
He tried to say it was food poisoning
106
00:06:41,273 --> 00:06:44,240
but I haven't been able to make love
with the lights on since.
107
00:06:44,340 --> 00:06:49,152
You are so beautiful.
I'm just lucky to have you.
108
00:06:50,239 --> 00:06:52,139
But then quickly becomes more like this.
109
00:06:52,239 --> 00:06:54,740
I work with her! What do you
want me to do, baby? Quit my job?
110
00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:56,673
No, I want you to keep
eye-humping her all night!
111
00:06:56,773 --> 00:06:57,574
Baby, stop!
112
00:06:57,674 --> 00:07:00,872
Don't touch me with your sticky
disgusting, reptile hands!
113
00:07:00,972 --> 00:07:03,106
You give away your most
personal information
114
00:07:03,206 --> 00:07:05,807
only to have your secrets
come back to destroy you.
115
00:07:05,907 --> 00:07:07,939
Stop being melodramatic.
116
00:07:08,039 --> 00:07:12,305
Maybe if you'd hit the gym once in a while,
you wouldn't need that sob story.
117
00:07:12,405 --> 00:07:14,973
No wonder he threw up.
118
00:07:15,512 --> 00:07:17,150
How do I know this?
119
00:07:17,250 --> 00:07:20,821
Well, take my story, for example.
120
00:07:21,304 --> 00:07:24,604
There's no stronger force
than a mother's love.
121
00:07:24,704 --> 00:07:26,237
I love you.
122
00:07:26,337 --> 00:07:30,163
She keeps you safe, secure...
123
00:07:30,263 --> 00:07:32,805
It's unconditional, right?
124
00:07:36,004 --> 00:07:39,638
And then without warning,
the bottom falls out.
125
00:07:39,738 --> 00:07:43,270
And you're left to watch helplessly
as your world comes crashing down.
126
00:07:43,370 --> 00:07:47,270
- Mom, where's the prize?
- Mom's not here, son.
127
00:07:52,102 --> 00:07:54,737
That's what love does,
it leaves you with Granddad
128
00:07:54,837 --> 00:07:57,403
to go to Chile with Phillip...
129
00:07:57,503 --> 00:07:59,147
and ruins a perfectly good cereal.
130
00:07:59,670 --> 00:08:02,703
And that's the last time I saw her.
131
00:08:02,803 --> 00:08:04,735
That's why every time
someone has said...
132
00:08:04,935 --> 00:08:07,735
- I love you.
- I love you.
133
00:08:07,835 --> 00:08:10,435
- I love you.
- I love you.
134
00:08:10,835 --> 00:08:13,069
- I love you.
- My response has been...
135
00:08:13,169 --> 00:08:16,602
I just don't see myself ever feeling
the same way about you.
136
00:08:30,334 --> 00:08:32,901
And there you have me.
137
00:08:38,701 --> 00:08:40,401
By the way, that's my heart.
138
00:08:40,801 --> 00:08:42,933
You know how some people
wear their hearts on their sleeve?
139
00:08:43,032 --> 00:08:46,100
Well, I kicked mine out a long time ago,
and now he just follows me around...
140
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:47,901
chain smoking.
141
00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:53,533
Okay, so, like I said,
it's been my life.
142
00:08:54,733 --> 00:08:56,901
But then I met this girl.
143
00:08:57,700 --> 00:09:00,500
Come on, Scott! Let's go, man!
These people are obnoxious.
144
00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:02,766
Well, sorry there aren't
any perfect tens here,
145
00:09:02,866 --> 00:09:05,866
but we're staying until they auction
off that couple's Champagne bath.
146
00:09:05,965 --> 00:09:08,065
I don't care if they're all fours,
147
00:09:08,165 --> 00:09:11,232
but if I have to hear one more four
talk about her vegan pet,
148
00:09:11,332 --> 00:09:13,533
my sperm are gonna start
eating each other.
149
00:09:18,332 --> 00:09:20,832
- Shit.
- Colorful.
150
00:09:21,831 --> 00:09:24,298
- It's a gift.
- No, please, continue.
151
00:09:24,698 --> 00:09:27,932
- I think I made my point.
- No, I don't think you're drunk enough.
152
00:09:28,031 --> 00:09:32,432
I mean, we're fours now, but a couple
drinks from now... we might be sixes.
153
00:09:33,771 --> 00:09:35,992
Point well taken... cutting myself off.
154
00:09:36,092 --> 00:09:39,355
I think the rest of my night
is going to involve online shopping
155
00:09:39,455 --> 00:09:42,322
and eating my feelings.
156
00:09:42,422 --> 00:09:45,331
Online shopping...
I would have taken you for a porn guy.
157
00:09:47,946 --> 00:09:50,730
No, I'm off porn. It objectifies women.
158
00:09:50,830 --> 00:09:53,156
Oh, so that's a bad thing now?
159
00:09:53,256 --> 00:09:56,330
No, no, I'm not against women
being objectified, per se.
160
00:09:56,430 --> 00:09:58,529
I guess I'm just sick of men
not being objectified.
161
00:09:58,629 --> 00:10:01,595
Oh, I'm sick of women not being judged
by how much money we make.
162
00:10:01,695 --> 00:10:03,796
I mean, if I spend an hour
and change getting ready,
163
00:10:03,896 --> 00:10:06,328
I want to be ogled.
I'm pretty much begging for it.
164
00:10:06,428 --> 00:10:10,229
Exactly, and I'm tired of being wanted
for my body, but not my pocket book.
165
00:10:10,329 --> 00:10:14,195
We're drinking $300 wine here.
My money is no good?
166
00:10:14,395 --> 00:10:16,595
Oh, God, this girl's dangerous.
167
00:10:16,695 --> 00:10:19,528
Do you want to do a social experiment?
168
00:10:20,728 --> 00:10:24,493
Nice ass. You work out?
169
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:28,594
Is that dress a Valentino?
You know what this suit's made out of?
170
00:10:28,694 --> 00:10:30,627
Boyfriend material.
171
00:10:30,727 --> 00:10:33,361
That suit looks good on you,
but I bet it would look even better
172
00:10:33,461 --> 00:10:36,196
balled up in a corner of a hotel room.
173
00:10:36,296 --> 00:10:40,359
Well, I'd love to travel more,
but I have crushing student debt.
174
00:10:42,293 --> 00:10:45,427
God, sorry... I'm sorry.
175
00:11:02,459 --> 00:11:04,992
Oh, God, look at this guy, so stuffy.
176
00:11:05,092 --> 00:11:08,477
Do the... the blow job,
the tongue-in-the-cheek thing.
177
00:11:08,577 --> 00:11:11,326
No, he's my boyfriend.
178
00:11:12,391 --> 00:11:15,390
- Hi, honey.
- Darling, there you are.
179
00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:21,024
I have no idea what Stuffy said,
because I went temporarily deaf.
180
00:11:23,959 --> 00:11:27,958
Where'd you go, homey?
I was looking for you.
181
00:11:28,291 --> 00:11:30,624
You don't look too good.
182
00:11:30,724 --> 00:11:33,224
Oh, did you have the crab?
183
00:11:33,624 --> 00:11:35,583
Yeah, I had the crab.
184
00:11:35,683 --> 00:11:37,990
It's probably why I was on
the shitter for so long.
185
00:11:38,090 --> 00:11:39,857
Okay, that sucked.
186
00:11:39,957 --> 00:11:43,956
Shake it off.
Time to randomly text some chicks.
187
00:12:30,254 --> 00:12:33,554
Hey. I'm so glad you called.
188
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:34,839
I didn't.
189
00:12:38,008 --> 00:12:41,656
I found that love is like a leak in a boat.
It starts slow, with a drip,
190
00:12:41,755 --> 00:12:44,721
and if you don't plug it,
it gets worse until you drown.
191
00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:48,153
And to fix it,
you should really find an expert.
192
00:12:55,353 --> 00:12:59,394
I want to tell him, "No, Mr. Policeman,
this is not a thumbs-up moment."
193
00:12:59,654 --> 00:13:00,920
But yeah, it is.
194
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:08,553
We all have different patches
for the leak, and mine is sex.
195
00:13:08,653 --> 00:13:11,842
Which is about to erase all the traces
of that girl from the charity event
196
00:13:11,942 --> 00:13:13,586
right out of my brain.
197
00:13:18,085 --> 00:13:19,977
Wait.
198
00:13:21,185 --> 00:13:24,051
Stop. Stop. Stop. I'm sorry.
199
00:13:24,950 --> 00:13:26,985
What the hell?
200
00:13:27,285 --> 00:13:28,691
Good question.
201
00:13:32,083 --> 00:13:34,418
Question for you,
there was a girl here...
202
00:13:34,518 --> 00:13:39,384
she had brown hair,
just a great, great, girl height.
203
00:13:39,484 --> 00:13:45,716
Perfect smile, red dress,
kind of a whole happy thing going on.
204
00:13:45,816 --> 00:13:48,717
- Ringing any bells?
- No. Sorry.
205
00:13:51,083 --> 00:13:53,483
Shit.
206
00:14:00,150 --> 00:14:01,016
Hey!
207
00:14:02,549 --> 00:14:03,859
What the hell were you doing?
208
00:14:03,959 --> 00:14:06,883
Listen, Erin, you're amazing,
but is there somewhere I could drop you?
209
00:14:08,082 --> 00:14:10,299
She would go on to say
her name was Regan.
210
00:14:10,399 --> 00:14:12,715
At least I think it was.
211
00:14:12,815 --> 00:14:15,449
Wow, I'm not good with names.
212
00:14:15,948 --> 00:14:18,749
Teresa, she could be a Teresa.
213
00:14:18,849 --> 00:14:21,248
Jenn with two N's, no, never.
214
00:14:21,348 --> 00:14:23,349
Mary, too plain.
215
00:14:23,449 --> 00:14:27,148
Shantiqua, highly unlikely.
216
00:14:27,248 --> 00:14:30,281
Chastity, fuck, I hope not.
217
00:14:35,947 --> 00:14:37,533
If there's one thing
you should know about writers
218
00:14:37,632 --> 00:14:40,147
is that we don't suffer alone very well.
219
00:14:40,247 --> 00:14:43,213
It's why we write.
It's why we form little groups.
220
00:14:43,313 --> 00:14:45,046
This is mine in action.
221
00:14:45,146 --> 00:14:47,380
Lyle, single, harmless deviant.
222
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:51,514
The proud writer of the first 20 pages
of 16 screenplays and 12 novels.
223
00:14:51,613 --> 00:14:53,880
He needs a shower.
224
00:14:57,413 --> 00:15:01,212
Samson, married, graphic novelist,
poems, short stories...
225
00:15:01,312 --> 00:15:05,812
kind of too old to be hanging out
with us but we don't give a shit.
226
00:15:09,012 --> 00:15:12,924
Mallory, she writes and performs
intensely personal one-woman shows
227
00:15:13,024 --> 00:15:15,179
she drags the rest of us to.
228
00:15:15,279 --> 00:15:18,080
We fuck sometimes... for research.
229
00:15:18,979 --> 00:15:21,578
Scott, you met him.
230
00:15:23,045 --> 00:15:24,945
Why do you need to know her name?
231
00:15:25,145 --> 00:15:27,133
I guess...
232
00:15:27,233 --> 00:15:29,950
I kind of wanted to say
her name out loud.
233
00:15:30,050 --> 00:15:33,112
Oh, stop, it's a passing infatuation,
that's allowed.
234
00:15:33,212 --> 00:15:36,211
Gee, I wish some guy thought about
saying my name out loud.
235
00:15:36,311 --> 00:15:38,110
You mean like while he's playing
with his dangly bits?
236
00:15:38,210 --> 00:15:40,445
- Yes.
- Who says there are no more romantics?
237
00:15:40,545 --> 00:15:44,510
No, I actually think the whole idea of love
is kind of unrealistic and outdated.
238
00:15:44,609 --> 00:15:47,284
- That's touching.
- Well, make sure that goes in your Rom-Com.
239
00:15:47,384 --> 00:15:50,045
- You know how I kill infatuation?
- With a gun?
240
00:15:50,844 --> 00:15:53,477
When I meet a hot girl,
I'll just look for one flaw
241
00:15:53,576 --> 00:15:58,277
whether she's pigeon-toed
or knock-kneed or just not very polite.
242
00:15:58,876 --> 00:16:02,943
I focus on that one flaw,
until I'm not attracted anymore.
243
00:16:03,043 --> 00:16:05,743
You know? Works perfectly.
How do you think I don't cheat on my wife?
244
00:16:05,843 --> 00:16:09,009
- I thought you did.
- No wonder your marriage is so happy.
245
00:16:09,109 --> 00:16:11,616
Don't talk to me about happiness, okay?
Because... thanks...
246
00:16:11,916 --> 00:16:14,410
- happiness and marriage don't co-exist.
- Bullshit.
247
00:16:14,510 --> 00:16:19,342
There's a reason that Romeo killed himself.
Suicide was the best option for this guy.
248
00:16:19,442 --> 00:16:22,941
- Why?
- No. Romeo set the standard for love.
249
00:16:23,041 --> 00:16:26,547
No, Shakespeare didn't know anything
about love. The guy was a sexual deviant.
250
00:16:26,647 --> 00:16:29,675
He couldn't keep his hands off of himself.
That's why his name was Shakespeare.
251
00:16:29,775 --> 00:16:34,448
It's true. Hardy, Dickens, Longfellow,
all sex-starved pen names.
252
00:16:34,547 --> 00:16:36,108
- E.E. Cummings.
- Updike.
253
00:16:36,208 --> 00:16:38,091
- Margaret Ate-wood.
- Dean Kuuntz.
254
00:16:38,191 --> 00:16:40,608
- Atwood and Koontz.
- Balzac.
255
00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:44,207
Yeah, I see your point. Whiny teens
killing themselves isn't love.
256
00:16:44,307 --> 00:16:48,275
Love is what keeps fucking you
long after the sex has dried up.
257
00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:51,573
Stop! You guys are terrible!
Love is a real thing.
258
00:16:51,673 --> 00:16:54,139
I was watching this Korean
soap opera last night...
259
00:16:54,907 --> 00:16:58,873
- Stop watching that shit.
- No, no, no, you guys are hearing this.
260
00:16:58,973 --> 00:17:03,536
It was an episode of When the Pear
Tree Blossoms, It Also Weeps.
261
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:07,840
So, basically there's this girl,
Hana and this guy, Da e-jung.
262
00:17:07,940 --> 00:17:11,306
And they've been reunited
after years of separation.
263
00:17:11,406 --> 00:17:14,559
They're like crazy in love.
I mean, it's all tea pouring
264
00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:17,573
and furtive glances, but you can tell
they're like two seconds away
265
00:17:17,673 --> 00:17:21,972
from just ripping each others' kimonos off
and getting seriously freaky.
266
00:17:22,072 --> 00:17:25,739
Oh, God, remember how I told you
how I put myself in other people's stories?
267
00:17:25,839 --> 00:17:26,766
Well...
268
00:17:28,972 --> 00:17:32,671
And why is she here?
269
00:17:33,371 --> 00:17:36,205
But now they're finally back together.
270
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,872
And she realizes
she has to tell him her secret.
271
00:17:40,339 --> 00:17:43,096
She'd been born a man!
272
00:17:43,196 --> 00:17:45,405
So she had to get this operation
273
00:17:45,504 --> 00:17:48,619
to be what she always knew
she was in her heart...
274
00:17:48,719 --> 00:17:51,467
A woman. This is the part
that literally blew my mind.
275
00:17:51,567 --> 00:17:54,803
Instead of rejecting her,
he matches her confession.
276
00:17:54,903 --> 00:17:56,837
He had biologically been a woman
277
00:17:56,937 --> 00:17:59,876
but had science give him
what he always felt he should have...
278
00:17:59,976 --> 00:18:03,337
you know, dude parts.
279
00:18:04,603 --> 00:18:06,819
And they just...
280
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,948
touch hands.
281
00:18:10,403 --> 00:18:12,436
That's love.
282
00:18:12,736 --> 00:18:13,854
Fuck.
283
00:18:15,669 --> 00:18:18,502
Love will always find a way.
Now that's...
284
00:18:18,602 --> 00:18:21,434
- Excuse me.
- Oh, sorry.
285
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:22,853
Scott could be right...
286
00:18:22,953 --> 00:18:25,741
but then Scott will also say
that there's someone for everyone.
287
00:18:25,841 --> 00:18:27,337
And as much as you may
think that's right,
288
00:18:27,436 --> 00:18:31,455
you can always find that one person that's
so unusual to the natural order of things,
289
00:18:31,555 --> 00:18:36,190
you think that can't be true.
But then, you're wrong again.
290
00:18:42,102 --> 00:18:46,901
Then everywhere you look, it's like
googling awkward engagement photos.
291
00:18:47,201 --> 00:18:50,401
And you realize
you're wrong a third time.
292
00:18:51,700 --> 00:18:55,767
You're that one person,
you're the exception.
293
00:18:56,267 --> 00:18:59,434
There's someone for everyone...
294
00:18:59,534 --> 00:19:03,109
everyone except you.
295
00:19:04,533 --> 00:19:06,436
Is something on your mind?
296
00:19:08,074 --> 00:19:09,800
Oh... it's nothing. It's...
297
00:19:09,900 --> 00:19:12,999
Whenever you say it's nothing,
it is never nothing!
298
00:19:13,099 --> 00:19:14,633
Can we talk about something else?
299
00:19:14,733 --> 00:19:17,967
Well, yeah, sure. I'm gonna have another
prostate exam tomorrow morning.
300
00:19:18,067 --> 00:19:20,033
- Jesus!
- Would you rather talk about that?
301
00:19:20,133 --> 00:19:23,865
No. It's a girl. It's... nothing.
302
00:19:23,965 --> 00:19:27,334
If you're thinking about her, but you can't
figure out how to talk about her,
303
00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:30,865
- it is not nothing!
- I met her at some random fundraiser.
304
00:19:30,965 --> 00:19:33,731
I have no idea how to find her,
so, nothing.
305
00:19:34,231 --> 00:19:36,098
Boy, I didn't know
you were such a quitter.
306
00:19:36,198 --> 00:19:39,698
How am I quitting? I don't know anything
about her I don't know her name.
307
00:19:39,798 --> 00:19:42,065
I don't know where she lives.
I don't know what she does.
308
00:19:42,165 --> 00:19:45,565
- So... nothing.
- You know what Colombo would do?
309
00:19:46,664 --> 00:19:47,814
Prove she's a murderer?
310
00:19:47,914 --> 00:19:51,964
Yeah, but first you'd have to
figure out how to find her!
311
00:19:52,164 --> 00:19:56,098
Granddad was right. I needed
to Colombo the LA charity scene.
312
00:19:56,198 --> 00:19:58,396
So instead of writing,
I started googling.
313
00:20:01,197 --> 00:20:05,696
Scott, you like doing good shit.
Want to come and do some research with me?
314
00:20:07,796 --> 00:20:10,537
All right, get your head in the game.
Got your tie on, feeling smart,
315
00:20:10,637 --> 00:20:13,897
looking good. Let's find this girl.
316
00:20:16,595 --> 00:20:19,395
Charities are ridiculous. They like
to fatten you up with their luncheons
317
00:20:19,495 --> 00:20:21,985
and hors d'oeuvres,
and their dinners, and drinks,
318
00:20:22,085 --> 00:20:25,861
and then they want to sweat it
back out of you with their 5Ks.
319
00:20:34,962 --> 00:20:37,095
Oh, hey, there.
320
00:20:38,727 --> 00:20:41,395
I see you at a lot of these.
321
00:20:41,495 --> 00:20:44,428
You're a very caring person.
We need more guys like you.
322
00:20:44,528 --> 00:20:47,261
The truth is, I'm not as charitable
as I probably should be.
323
00:20:47,361 --> 00:20:50,028
So I did what I do best, make shit up.
324
00:20:50,128 --> 00:20:52,594
I think that charity
defines you as a man.
325
00:20:52,794 --> 00:20:56,993
Yeah, we try to come out whenever we can.
Especially for the... the... art.
326
00:20:57,093 --> 00:20:58,322
It's, you know,
it's one of those things...
327
00:20:58,422 --> 00:21:02,027
I started spewing tales
of adventure, and outreach,
328
00:21:02,127 --> 00:21:05,794
and I didn't mean to lie, but I'm a writer,
it's the way my brain works.
329
00:21:05,894 --> 00:21:07,745
Don't judge me.
330
00:21:07,845 --> 00:21:11,161
God, look at me, I don't even know
what the hell I'm saying right now.
331
00:21:11,260 --> 00:21:14,076
- Nice to meet you guys. Thanks a lot.
- I may have gone too far.
332
00:21:14,176 --> 00:21:19,176
But I'm having fun, they're having fun.
No harm, no foul, right?
333
00:21:19,792 --> 00:21:21,570
But as time went on,
I started to think it didn't matter
334
00:21:21,670 --> 00:21:24,300
how much of my time was donating.
335
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:29,093
It wasn't doing any good.
My search for her was a lost cause.
336
00:21:32,030 --> 00:21:33,859
That was my best time yet, bro.
337
00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:37,425
Doesn't matter, she's not here.
338
00:21:37,525 --> 00:21:40,709
What? That's what this is about?
339
00:21:40,809 --> 00:21:43,423
Come on, man, you told me
we were doing research here.
340
00:21:43,523 --> 00:21:46,391
Maybe Scott was right. Maybe it was time
to get my life back to normal.
341
00:21:46,491 --> 00:21:48,691
What was I doing?
342
00:21:49,091 --> 00:21:51,757
Hey, buddy. Look,
just checking in on the script.
343
00:21:51,857 --> 00:21:55,223
Hey, seriously, I've got Ashley Tisdale
breathing down my neck.
344
00:21:55,323 --> 00:21:58,952
She called me six times this week
threatening to face-fuck my dog
345
00:21:59,052 --> 00:22:01,423
if she doesn't see a draft.
346
00:22:01,523 --> 00:22:04,757
I must have misjudged her.
She doesn't care about charity at all.
347
00:22:04,857 --> 00:22:07,456
It's actually kind of selfish of her
to put me through all this.
348
00:22:07,556 --> 00:22:10,123
I don't know why I keep trying.
349
00:22:12,756 --> 00:22:15,356
This is $500 a plate.
350
00:22:15,456 --> 00:22:17,589
Meat or vegetarian?
351
00:22:17,689 --> 00:22:21,489
Yeah, we're gonna... can we...
yeah... can we share a plate?
352
00:22:21,589 --> 00:22:23,434
Shared plate fee is $500.
353
00:22:25,221 --> 00:22:27,257
- I'll have the filet.
- Same.
354
00:22:27,357 --> 00:22:28,489
Enough about my work.
355
00:22:28,589 --> 00:22:31,588
And thank you for all the other powerful
testimonials that have been shared today.
356
00:22:31,688 --> 00:22:33,922
I'd like to keep it going
with a truly great man
357
00:22:34,022 --> 00:22:35,922
that I've only recently had
the pleasure of meeting.
358
00:22:36,022 --> 00:22:37,821
I hope I don't embarrass him too much.
359
00:22:38,121 --> 00:22:40,621
He's farmed coconuts in Cambodia.
360
00:22:40,721 --> 00:22:43,689
- Holy shit! That's a real thing?
- He's helped lepers in South America.
361
00:22:43,789 --> 00:22:48,021
Most recently, he single-handedly
took the Abdu Ali...
362
00:22:49,715 --> 00:22:52,088
Oh, shit.
363
00:22:52,187 --> 00:22:53,687
Bring him up, big hand.
364
00:22:53,987 --> 00:22:56,153
Smile, wave, yeah.
365
00:22:56,253 --> 00:22:58,755
A little help, gang,
let's get him up here.
366
00:22:59,554 --> 00:23:01,887
I'm gonna kill this guy.
367
00:23:02,286 --> 00:23:04,887
Get up here. Get up here.
368
00:23:04,987 --> 00:23:09,274
Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!
Speech! Speech! Yeah!
369
00:23:09,374 --> 00:23:13,652
Thank you. Thank you so much.
It really wasn't anything, though.
370
00:23:13,952 --> 00:23:15,266
It was something.
371
00:23:15,366 --> 00:23:17,981
No, believe me,
I'm not just being modest
372
00:23:18,081 --> 00:23:22,285
when I say I really didn't do anything
that anybody else in my position...
373
00:23:22,385 --> 00:23:23,886
wouldn't have done, so...
374
00:23:23,986 --> 00:23:26,617
Don't worry, you're doing great, baby.
375
00:23:26,717 --> 00:23:29,585
Give yourself
a round of applause, right?
376
00:23:29,685 --> 00:23:31,285
- All right.
- You saved the frogs.
377
00:23:31,385 --> 00:23:33,218
It wasn't just me. It wasn't just me.
378
00:23:33,318 --> 00:23:36,685
It was a lot of people involved
a lot of hands in there.
379
00:23:36,985 --> 00:23:39,601
- It was kind of like a hand orgy.
- Oh, God.
380
00:23:39,701 --> 00:23:42,919
- You're not bombing.
- That's inappropriate.
381
00:23:45,450 --> 00:23:47,951
And suddenly, there she was.
382
00:23:53,051 --> 00:23:56,083
Okay, enjoy your afternoon.
383
00:23:57,659 --> 00:23:59,117
Yeah!
384
00:23:59,217 --> 00:24:01,731
- Nailed it, right?
- Like a coffin.
385
00:24:01,831 --> 00:24:04,315
I had no idea you were
such a philanthropist.
386
00:24:04,415 --> 00:24:06,650
Now would be a good time to come clean.
387
00:24:06,750 --> 00:24:08,800
I'm really just a sucker for a good,
catered meal.
388
00:24:08,900 --> 00:24:12,317
Lot better at these frog events
than the rhesus monkey tapas dinners.
389
00:24:12,417 --> 00:24:14,951
God, not the rhesus monkeys,
they're a slush fund charity.
390
00:24:15,050 --> 00:24:18,476
They sprinkle cute, little monkey photos
all over the place like ruffies,
391
00:24:18,576 --> 00:24:21,095
and then they date-rape
your checkbook. Bastards.
392
00:24:21,850 --> 00:24:23,749
You sound very passionate
about monkey rape.
393
00:24:23,849 --> 00:24:25,713
Like you and frog orgies.
394
00:24:27,448 --> 00:24:30,281
So, you here with the guy?
395
00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:35,248
No, no. I'm here with work.
The company I work for bought a table.
396
00:24:35,348 --> 00:24:38,482
We do urban planning and we're helping
the host foundation with a land-use project.
397
00:24:38,582 --> 00:24:41,877
I mean, it sounds boring,
but it's actually really, really fascinating.
398
00:24:41,977 --> 00:24:44,407
Sorry, I fell asleep, what was that?
399
00:24:44,507 --> 00:24:46,573
Very funny.
400
00:24:49,314 --> 00:24:50,644
Want to go for a walk?
401
00:24:52,414 --> 00:24:55,715
Yeah. Yeah, I can walk.
402
00:24:56,414 --> 00:24:59,747
- After you.
- Okay.
403
00:25:00,679 --> 00:25:03,213
I've got a deadline right now
that I can't seem to focus on.
404
00:25:03,313 --> 00:25:04,546
You should try yoga.
405
00:25:04,646 --> 00:25:07,113
Nature has decided my body
won't bend like that.
406
00:25:07,213 --> 00:25:09,447
Oh, no, but that's why you have
to do it. It's good for you.
407
00:25:09,547 --> 00:25:12,680
I know, I know. I think I avoid things
that are good for me.
408
00:25:12,780 --> 00:25:16,827
Oh, I see, the stereotypical,
self-loathing Good Samaritan.
409
00:25:16,927 --> 00:25:18,639
At least you do good things
for other people.
410
00:25:18,739 --> 00:25:22,479
Okay, last chance, asshole.
Just tell her the truth.
411
00:25:24,430 --> 00:25:26,312
Do you see right there?
412
00:25:26,412 --> 00:25:30,012
Where those two waves collide
and become one?
413
00:25:30,112 --> 00:25:31,912
It's funny.
414
00:25:32,411 --> 00:25:37,245
It's like how... how far
have you traveled?
415
00:25:38,544 --> 00:25:40,586
Years? Thousands of years?
416
00:25:41,173 --> 00:25:43,510
Lifetimes?
417
00:25:43,610 --> 00:25:47,545
For this one moment, right here,
right now, to find each other.
418
00:25:47,645 --> 00:25:49,845
And then to crash...
419
00:25:49,945 --> 00:25:53,545
and go back out to sea
in search of one another again.
420
00:26:01,142 --> 00:26:03,411
I'm just messing with you!
421
00:26:04,610 --> 00:26:05,511
Oh, man.
422
00:26:05,611 --> 00:26:06,810
- I got you.
- You got me.
423
00:26:06,910 --> 00:26:08,764
To crash.
424
00:26:10,543 --> 00:26:12,043
- I was with you.
- I know.
425
00:26:12,143 --> 00:26:14,910
- We had a moment!
- You're romantic! What can you say?
426
00:26:16,209 --> 00:26:19,300
- I'm sorry. You froze up?
- I could have kissed her.
427
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:22,615
I just didn't want to pull the trigger.
I didn't want to...
428
00:26:22,715 --> 00:26:25,209
ruin it? That doesn't sound right.
429
00:26:25,309 --> 00:26:27,843
Oh, my God. Are you gonna see her again?
430
00:26:27,942 --> 00:26:31,776
No. No. She's got a boyfriend. I'm gonna
get out now before I embarrass myself.
431
00:26:31,876 --> 00:26:33,543
Okay, welcome back, buddy.
432
00:26:33,643 --> 00:26:36,008
That's the first reasonable thing
I've heard you say in weeks.
433
00:26:36,108 --> 00:26:38,045
Hey!
434
00:26:38,145 --> 00:26:41,074
- You!
- Hey!
435
00:26:41,575 --> 00:26:44,671
- What are you doing?
- I'm just walking.
436
00:26:44,771 --> 00:26:47,314
I got a friend with me.
Scott... me and Scott are walking.
437
00:26:47,414 --> 00:26:49,398
Hi, Scott.
438
00:26:50,167 --> 00:26:52,050
Well,
439
00:26:52,462 --> 00:26:54,374
have fun not embarrassing yourself.
440
00:26:54,474 --> 00:26:57,340
- You gonna go check out those waves?
- No, I just pretend.
441
00:26:57,440 --> 00:26:59,741
- Looks cool, though, right? You bought it.
- Looks very cool.
442
00:27:01,340 --> 00:27:02,841
This is a little weird, right?
443
00:27:02,940 --> 00:27:06,507
I know... you meant,
weird that you're stalking me?
444
00:27:06,607 --> 00:27:08,610
I thought you were stalking me.
445
00:27:08,710 --> 00:27:12,887
No, no. If I were stalking you,
you'd never see me. I'm very good at it.
446
00:27:12,987 --> 00:27:16,540
Really? Because I live around the corner,
and I run the neighborhood watch.
447
00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:19,106
So, you have been watching me.
448
00:27:19,206 --> 00:27:20,939
You think you're pretty funny,
don't you?
449
00:27:21,039 --> 00:27:23,373
I think I have promise.
450
00:27:25,939 --> 00:27:28,440
No matter how much your brain
thinks it controls your mouth.
451
00:27:28,540 --> 00:27:31,772
There's always gonna be
that override switch.
452
00:27:32,171 --> 00:27:35,506
So, this might sound kind of nuts.
453
00:27:35,606 --> 00:27:39,405
Maybe we should try running
into each other sometime on purpose?
454
00:27:40,504 --> 00:27:42,472
Did you just ask me on a date?
455
00:27:42,572 --> 00:27:45,705
No, no. I'm just saying
that we keep running into each other.
456
00:27:45,805 --> 00:27:50,637
It feels like, I don't know,
fate wants us to hang out.
457
00:27:51,127 --> 00:27:54,537
Good, because my boyfriend really
hates it when I go out on dates.
458
00:27:54,637 --> 00:27:56,038
Sounds controlling.
459
00:27:56,138 --> 00:28:00,170
Look, I think you're getting
the wrong idea about me as a man.
460
00:28:00,270 --> 00:28:02,371
I think we should just be friends.
That's allowed, right?
461
00:28:02,571 --> 00:28:04,903
Guy and a girl hanging out, no big deal.
462
00:28:05,003 --> 00:28:07,869
No relationship stuff.
I'm lousy at relationship stuff.
463
00:28:07,969 --> 00:28:11,936
Oh, don't worry, I have really,
really low expectations.
464
00:28:12,036 --> 00:28:15,704
Then we should definitely hang out.
I'm really good with low expectations.
465
00:28:15,803 --> 00:28:17,703
- Is that so?
- Yes.
466
00:28:17,802 --> 00:28:20,229
In fact, I can pretty much guarantee
that if we hang out
467
00:28:20,329 --> 00:28:22,370
you're gonna walk away
completely unimpressed.
468
00:28:22,470 --> 00:28:24,156
Well, how could I say no to that?
469
00:28:25,269 --> 00:28:26,835
So it's a date.
470
00:28:27,535 --> 00:28:31,002
Sure, but it's a friend date.
471
00:28:34,069 --> 00:28:35,100
Fuck.
472
00:28:41,035 --> 00:28:43,758
Friend date... friend date.
473
00:28:45,900 --> 00:28:48,468
What the hell is a friend date?
474
00:28:56,167 --> 00:28:58,867
I want him to crawl inside of my vagina.
475
00:28:59,267 --> 00:29:04,063
I left my ovaries abandoned
in the basement like potatoes.
476
00:29:05,700 --> 00:29:08,166
And they started growing arms...
477
00:29:08,839 --> 00:29:09,936
- ...and legs.
- What are you doing? That's rude.
478
00:29:10,036 --> 00:29:12,867
This is a performance. Sit down.
479
00:29:12,967 --> 00:29:15,235
- Not there, back here.
- What is that?
480
00:29:16,434 --> 00:29:18,813
It's a leg. No!
481
00:29:20,300 --> 00:29:21,847
Oh, my God!
482
00:29:23,333 --> 00:29:24,633
Yeah.
483
00:29:31,070 --> 00:29:31,999
Twist ending.
484
00:29:32,199 --> 00:29:35,622
- You are playing with fire.
- No, I'm not.
485
00:29:36,333 --> 00:29:38,798
Thanks. There's nothing wrong
with two adults hanging out as friends.
486
00:29:38,898 --> 00:29:43,232
Men and women can't be friends.
We are squids and squirrels.
487
00:29:43,332 --> 00:29:47,466
- Are you saying we're not friends?
- I'm saying we've slept together.
488
00:29:47,566 --> 00:29:50,532
So? Friends can fuck. Fuck buddies.
489
00:29:50,632 --> 00:29:53,499
Oh, really? Have you fucked Scott?
490
00:29:53,599 --> 00:29:55,132
Not physically.
491
00:29:55,232 --> 00:29:59,132
- What's with the German accent?
- Don't change the subject.
492
00:29:59,232 --> 00:30:02,831
I think you're starting to like this girl,
and you're just setting boundaries,
493
00:30:02,931 --> 00:30:05,398
- so you can push them.
- No, I'm not.
494
00:30:05,498 --> 00:30:08,131
If anything, I'm going out with this girl
to prove she's nothing special.
495
00:30:08,231 --> 00:30:10,164
And she's just as ordinary
as every other girl...
496
00:30:10,264 --> 00:30:12,997
Oh, my God, I can't believe
you're about to say that.
497
00:30:13,597 --> 00:30:15,664
Present company excluded.
498
00:30:15,863 --> 00:30:17,630
I went on a friend date recently.
499
00:30:17,929 --> 00:30:20,132
This one's gonna be weird.
500
00:30:21,763 --> 00:30:24,229
So my friend tells me,
501
00:30:24,329 --> 00:30:27,263
"I'll come over,
we'll watch a movie, hang out."
502
00:30:27,363 --> 00:30:31,279
Sounds normal, right?
Now imagine you're me.
503
00:30:31,379 --> 00:30:33,929
- Oh, God.
- Hi.
504
00:30:34,029 --> 00:30:37,430
And the next thing you know
his tongue is halfway down your throat,
505
00:30:37,530 --> 00:30:39,463
and he doesn't stop there.
506
00:30:39,563 --> 00:30:42,362
- My penis hurts.
- What was that?
507
00:30:42,462 --> 00:30:44,962
- My penis hurts.
- Excuse me?
508
00:30:45,062 --> 00:30:46,692
My penis hurts.
509
00:30:46,792 --> 00:30:49,794
Then you'd better go home
and take care of it.
510
00:30:50,094 --> 00:30:51,908
I want you to take care of it.
511
00:30:52,529 --> 00:30:54,694
That's not gonna happen.
512
00:30:55,294 --> 00:30:57,607
I don't even have to take off my pants.
513
00:30:58,395 --> 00:31:00,561
So my advice to you,
if you really like this girl
514
00:31:00,660 --> 00:31:05,760
is take her somewhere in public,
and don't blow it.
515
00:31:09,660 --> 00:31:11,294
- Wow.
- Wow, is right.
516
00:31:11,394 --> 00:31:13,494
- It looks loud.
- It does.
517
00:31:13,594 --> 00:31:15,428
It looks like an audio gang bang.
518
00:31:16,027 --> 00:31:19,527
That's the name of my band.
That's so weird.
519
00:31:22,460 --> 00:31:23,659
December 8th.
520
00:31:23,759 --> 00:31:26,625
An amethyst wood star hummingbird.
521
00:31:26,725 --> 00:31:29,059
Fastest heartbeat in the world.
522
00:31:29,159 --> 00:31:33,625
Shit, this guy's heart beats so fast,
he's always on the verge of death.
523
00:31:33,725 --> 00:31:35,258
- What?
- Shitty.
524
00:31:35,358 --> 00:31:36,758
That's super shitty.
525
00:31:36,958 --> 00:31:39,958
- You want to play doctor?
- Yes.
526
00:31:40,058 --> 00:31:42,297
Heart beats...
the ancient Chinese believed
527
00:31:42,397 --> 00:31:45,025
you were only given a limited number
of heart beats when you were born.
528
00:31:45,125 --> 00:31:47,511
You can spend them any way you like,
but your heart uses them up
529
00:31:47,610 --> 00:31:51,279
when it beats faster like
when you get angry or excited.
530
00:31:52,425 --> 00:31:54,964
I wonder if it's the same for boners.
531
00:31:56,424 --> 00:31:59,090
No, I can't find it.
532
00:31:59,290 --> 00:32:01,624
Goddamn it, where is her flaw?
533
00:32:01,924 --> 00:32:05,857
Nothing. You don't have a heart.
534
00:32:07,690 --> 00:32:09,724
Miracle of science.
535
00:32:09,924 --> 00:32:13,822
The problem with our little friend date
is that it didn't feel like a friend date.
536
00:32:13,922 --> 00:32:16,190
We're connecting.
I'm showing her a great time.
537
00:32:16,290 --> 00:32:18,391
And at the end of the night,
she's going home to him.
538
00:32:18,491 --> 00:32:21,290
I'm basically Stuffy's wingman.
539
00:32:23,089 --> 00:32:25,622
All right... I gotta get up
early tomorrow.
540
00:32:25,722 --> 00:32:29,623
Tomorrow's a farmer's market day
which means the guy likes to get there early
541
00:32:29,723 --> 00:32:32,573
- for the ripe tomatoes.
- Right, right, yeah.
542
00:32:32,673 --> 00:32:34,855
I gotta go, too.
I got a late-night poker thing.
543
00:32:34,955 --> 00:32:37,588
Cool, all right, well, this was...
this was fun.
544
00:32:37,688 --> 00:32:40,422
- Yeah.
- Okay. All right, I'll see you soon.
545
00:32:40,522 --> 00:32:41,788
- Okay.
- All right, good luck tonight.
546
00:32:41,888 --> 00:32:44,356
- You, too.
- Bye.
547
00:32:53,821 --> 00:32:56,255
What a s... goddamn it!
548
00:32:56,355 --> 00:33:01,797
You dumb, dumb, dumb... dick.
What a... dick!
549
00:33:03,421 --> 00:33:06,121
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. What's up?
550
00:33:06,718 --> 00:33:08,912
My car won't start.
551
00:33:16,786 --> 00:33:18,854
I'm so sorry you missed poker.
552
00:33:18,954 --> 00:33:21,887
No, that's... what are friends for?
553
00:33:23,586 --> 00:33:25,787
Speaking of,
what are you up to on Thursday?
554
00:33:25,887 --> 00:33:29,918
Tell her you're booked,
busy, completely slammed.
555
00:33:30,752 --> 00:33:34,653
Because I've got this charity event
to go to, but no one to go with.
556
00:33:34,753 --> 00:33:38,718
Say anything, you're doing your taxes,
washing your hair. Oh, my God.
557
00:33:38,818 --> 00:33:41,252
- Sounds good.
- Cool.
558
00:33:41,352 --> 00:33:43,319
All right, right on, second friend date.
559
00:33:43,419 --> 00:33:46,019
All right, yeah, yay!
560
00:33:46,119 --> 00:33:49,385
All right, well...
I'll see you on Thursday.
561
00:33:49,484 --> 00:33:50,617
- Okay.
- Okay.
562
00:33:50,717 --> 00:33:52,617
That's a wave goodbye.
563
00:33:52,717 --> 00:33:56,650
I mistake it for... a fucking high-five.
564
00:33:56,750 --> 00:34:01,484
And now, I'm left to hear it echo
for the rest of eternity.
565
00:34:01,684 --> 00:34:05,783
You high-fived her? Nice.
566
00:34:07,750 --> 00:34:10,884
- Lane 13, don't throw the ball.
- Maybe she didn't even notice.
567
00:34:11,983 --> 00:34:14,131
Sometimes when I'm playing with kids,
568
00:34:14,231 --> 00:34:18,050
I go up high, and they just stare at me,
like they don't even want to touch it.
569
00:34:18,150 --> 00:34:21,450
- In what world aren't you a pedophile?
- In this world.
570
00:34:21,550 --> 00:34:23,550
Look, she definitely noticed,
it was terrible.
571
00:34:23,650 --> 00:34:25,816
Well, at least you'll never have
to see her again.
572
00:34:25,916 --> 00:34:27,340
Well...
573
00:34:29,048 --> 00:34:31,437
- Come on, man!
- It's a charity! It's a charity!
574
00:34:32,316 --> 00:34:33,516
Boom!
575
00:34:33,616 --> 00:34:36,683
- Here's the deal, you look like hell.
- Like shit.
576
00:34:36,783 --> 00:34:41,416
Shit, now you're stalking this girl,
and you won't stop talking to us about her.
577
00:34:41,515 --> 00:34:44,216
And you're clearly sexually frustrated.
578
00:34:44,316 --> 00:34:47,348
- Excuse me, hard up.
- Yeah, are you even masturbating properly?
579
00:34:47,447 --> 00:34:50,114
Yes, I'm... no, I don't...
I don't need to masturbate.
580
00:34:50,214 --> 00:34:53,171
- You do need to masturbate.
- This is an intellectual connection...
581
00:34:53,271 --> 00:34:55,315
based on common interests.
582
00:34:55,414 --> 00:34:59,448
For people who have common...
shared interests.
583
00:34:59,548 --> 00:35:01,563
- Oh, my God.
- Okay.
584
00:35:01,663 --> 00:35:04,081
Oh, my God. You're falling for her.
585
00:35:04,181 --> 00:35:06,413
- No, I'm not. No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
586
00:35:06,513 --> 00:35:08,746
Look, I'm sorry I don't believe
in the fairy tale.
587
00:35:08,846 --> 00:35:11,759
But your idea of falling in love
is what lonely people tell each other
588
00:35:11,859 --> 00:35:13,948
- and justify sticking it out.
- Lonely people?
589
00:35:14,048 --> 00:35:17,880
No, bullshit, man. Love is amazing.
590
00:35:17,980 --> 00:35:21,280
It connects people. It makes
the whole better than the parts.
591
00:35:21,379 --> 00:35:24,013
- Oh, shit! Sorry!
- Hey, Lane 13, stop throwing the ball.
592
00:35:24,113 --> 00:35:27,581
Look at the divorce rate...
people are petty, emotional whores.
593
00:35:27,681 --> 00:35:30,813
They don't pair off to connect, they do it
to spread their misery, like STD's.
594
00:35:32,380 --> 00:35:36,214
What you're defending is an ideal
that can't exist in an imperfect world.
595
00:35:36,713 --> 00:35:39,978
You are lying to yourself
to try to prove that she's not special.
596
00:35:40,078 --> 00:35:43,545
And that's deceptive... to you,
to her, to your connection.
597
00:35:43,645 --> 00:35:46,578
You can not get to the truth
through deception.
598
00:35:46,878 --> 00:35:51,678
Mall's right, you're gonna ruin this,
because you're a soulless, love hater.
599
00:35:52,204 --> 00:35:53,745
None of you know
what you're talking about.
600
00:35:53,845 --> 00:35:57,379
And don't over-romanticize things, because
you read Love in a Time of Yellow Fever.
601
00:35:57,479 --> 00:36:00,744
- Time of Cholera.
- It's pronounced ch-olera, by the way.
602
00:36:00,844 --> 00:36:02,312
- It's cholera.
- Like chalupa.
603
00:36:02,411 --> 00:36:03,866
So what's your big plan?
604
00:36:04,284 --> 00:36:07,145
You're gonna wreck her relationship
until you get bored and stop calling?
605
00:36:07,245 --> 00:36:09,211
I don't know, Mallory.
I didn't even want to talk about this.
606
00:36:09,311 --> 00:36:13,244
You guys are all getting on my case,
you're dumping your man issues on me.
607
00:36:13,343 --> 00:36:15,810
Did you just say "man issues"?
Man issues? Are you kidding me?
608
00:36:15,910 --> 00:36:17,277
- Mall!
- Oh, shit!
609
00:36:17,376 --> 00:36:20,644
- You're the one that is going out with her!
- Stop throwing the ball, lady!
610
00:36:20,744 --> 00:36:24,610
Why don't you just go already?
Fucking go! Go already!
611
00:36:24,710 --> 00:36:27,177
- Can I just bowl?
- That's it! No more!
612
00:36:27,277 --> 00:36:29,476
Maybe they were right,
I had to end this.
613
00:36:29,576 --> 00:36:33,543
But if I was gonna do it, I was gonna
do it like a gentleman, in person.
614
00:36:33,643 --> 00:36:35,910
Bring on the charity.
615
00:36:39,176 --> 00:36:41,197
Nice suit.
616
00:36:44,442 --> 00:36:47,243
- What kind of charity is this?
- I didn't... I didn't tell you about this?
617
00:36:52,675 --> 00:36:54,574
You're lucky I'm wearing underwear.
618
00:36:55,274 --> 00:36:58,708
I would have pegged you
for a brief guy. No?
619
00:36:58,808 --> 00:37:01,307
- I'm thoroughly impressed.
- Are you?
620
00:37:01,407 --> 00:37:04,075
Should I feel emasculated?
621
00:37:04,574 --> 00:37:06,175
Maybe.
622
00:37:07,675 --> 00:37:10,008
Holy shit.
623
00:37:19,807 --> 00:37:21,373
- You totally did.
- No, I didn't.
624
00:37:21,473 --> 00:37:22,840
- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.
625
00:37:22,940 --> 00:37:26,940
You made a sound
during the Warrior 3 pose.
626
00:37:27,741 --> 00:37:31,507
- What pose is that?
- Okay. Let me refresh your memory.
627
00:37:34,772 --> 00:37:38,606
Oh, that noise, that was me.
I do it all the time.
628
00:37:42,906 --> 00:37:44,406
What?
629
00:37:45,939 --> 00:37:48,118
What's the deal with you and Stuffy?
630
00:37:49,372 --> 00:37:51,206
That is not his name.
631
00:37:51,605 --> 00:37:53,765
Isn't it, though.
632
00:37:54,639 --> 00:37:57,005
I don't know,
we'll probably get married.
633
00:37:57,105 --> 00:37:59,238
Probably? You don't sound so sure.
634
00:37:59,438 --> 00:38:01,771
No, I mean, we talk about it, you know?
635
00:38:01,871 --> 00:38:04,789
Every few months,
we kind of sit down and we discuss it.
636
00:38:04,889 --> 00:38:06,671
Sounds romantic.
637
00:38:07,442 --> 00:38:09,271
I'm not ready.
638
00:38:09,371 --> 00:38:11,237
Why?
639
00:38:11,337 --> 00:38:15,437
I don't know, I guess I just always
thought it would feel a little different.
640
00:38:15,537 --> 00:38:18,604
You know? Maybe it's not supposed to.
641
00:38:18,704 --> 00:38:21,802
- And I'm fine with that.
- Okay.
642
00:38:22,738 --> 00:38:26,537
Obviously it's none of my business, but when
you say fine, it sounds like comfortable.
643
00:38:27,270 --> 00:38:29,200
What's wrong with being comfortable?
644
00:38:29,300 --> 00:38:31,436
Nothing.
645
00:38:31,536 --> 00:38:32,672
Are you happy?
646
00:38:33,870 --> 00:38:36,733
I'm happy,
647
00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:39,641
and... he is stable...
648
00:38:39,741 --> 00:38:42,426
and he is very passionate about his job,
and my parents love him,
649
00:38:42,526 --> 00:38:45,002
my friends love him,
and he is everything that I need.
650
00:38:45,102 --> 00:38:47,056
What about what you want?
651
00:38:47,156 --> 00:38:50,437
You may check off all the right boxes,
but you can't plan happiness.
652
00:38:52,035 --> 00:38:54,746
Okay, describe your perfect wedding.
653
00:38:56,668 --> 00:38:58,516
I don't know.
I've never thought about it.
654
00:38:58,616 --> 00:39:02,268
San Francisco, outdoor wedding
at one of the city's heart sculptures.
655
00:39:02,368 --> 00:39:06,668
50 people, modern ceremony,
trolley takes us from the heart sculpture
656
00:39:06,768 --> 00:39:10,001
to the Tara for a reception,
and a hell of a lot of Scotch.
657
00:39:10,300 --> 00:39:13,101
Why isn't he the one you're dragging
to yoga and art shows?
658
00:39:14,100 --> 00:39:16,135
Who said I never asked him first?
659
00:39:23,467 --> 00:39:25,523
I like you.
660
00:39:27,399 --> 00:39:29,475
I like you.
661
00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:34,033
- Is that a bad thing?
- Yeah, it's a very bad thing.
662
00:39:34,532 --> 00:39:37,870
I'm saying I have someone that I trust.
663
00:39:38,169 --> 00:39:40,582
Okay? Someone that I've built
a life with and...
664
00:39:41,600 --> 00:39:43,611
God, whatever this is, it's...
665
00:39:46,898 --> 00:39:48,599
It's not gonna change that.
666
00:39:54,099 --> 00:39:55,365
- Yikes.
- Yikes.
667
00:39:55,465 --> 00:39:57,165
Okay.
668
00:39:57,265 --> 00:40:00,965
- Wow, Debbie Downer.
- Okay.
669
00:40:04,097 --> 00:40:06,164
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay. Okay.
670
00:40:06,264 --> 00:40:07,298
I'll see you.
671
00:40:09,397 --> 00:40:13,898
- Okay... so, you should probably stretch.
- Yeah.
672
00:41:21,193 --> 00:41:24,050
All right, enough.
673
00:41:24,594 --> 00:41:27,929
- Don't be such a pussy.
- Yeah, man, don't be such a pussy.
674
00:41:28,028 --> 00:41:29,895
- Really, Scott?
- What?
675
00:41:29,995 --> 00:41:31,794
No, Scotty's right.
676
00:41:31,894 --> 00:41:34,861
Do you know how long I waited
for you to actually fall for a girl?
677
00:41:34,961 --> 00:41:36,694
And now you're just puttering around.
678
00:41:36,794 --> 00:41:39,760
I'm not the one staying
in a bad relationship. That's not on me.
679
00:41:39,860 --> 00:41:43,192
When I met your grandmother,
she was engaged to an Italian.
680
00:41:43,492 --> 00:41:46,693
You think that wop knew what to do
with her? I had to steal her!
681
00:41:46,793 --> 00:41:50,992
I saved her! And when I die,
I want to be buried right on top of her.
682
00:41:51,092 --> 00:41:54,626
Yeah, that's... that's pretty romantic.
683
00:41:54,726 --> 00:41:58,174
And you, you won't even fight
for the girl you love.
684
00:41:58,274 --> 00:42:01,859
Don't let the death of your mother
haunt you for the rest of your life.
685
00:42:01,959 --> 00:42:04,659
- Get on with things!
- That has nothing to do with this.
686
00:42:04,759 --> 00:42:09,658
Look, love is like your 401k,
it matches your investment.
687
00:42:09,758 --> 00:42:12,325
You love a little, you're loved little.
688
00:42:12,825 --> 00:42:15,257
All right,
I think we need to tell him the story.
689
00:42:15,357 --> 00:42:18,291
What story? Wait, do you guys
hang out without me?
690
00:42:18,391 --> 00:42:22,357
Look, I never had a granddad, okay?
Don't be selfish. Tell him.
691
00:42:22,457 --> 00:42:24,591
It was 1943.
692
00:42:24,691 --> 00:42:27,391
I was in San Diego, I was in the Navy.
693
00:42:30,157 --> 00:42:31,490
Then I saw her.
694
00:42:31,890 --> 00:42:35,323
Every man in the bar
was lined up to talk to her,
695
00:42:35,423 --> 00:42:38,289
but I didn't let that deter me.
696
00:42:38,389 --> 00:42:41,289
Her eyes sparkled.
697
00:42:41,389 --> 00:42:45,647
Her lips were like two perfect,
red roses.
698
00:42:45,747 --> 00:42:47,226
It was fate,
699
00:42:47,960 --> 00:42:50,280
and I couldn't deny fate.
700
00:42:50,823 --> 00:42:53,122
Time stood still has we danced.
701
00:42:53,222 --> 00:42:54,960
The music, the lights...
702
00:42:56,206 --> 00:42:59,206
she felt like sunshine in my arms.
703
00:42:59,306 --> 00:43:04,022
She looked like a princess...
and I was her prince.
704
00:43:04,122 --> 00:43:06,756
It was magic.
705
00:43:06,856 --> 00:43:09,088
Granddad, this sounds
like a Disney cartoon.
706
00:43:09,188 --> 00:43:14,488
Really? A Disney cartoon, you pussy?
This was a man stuff.
707
00:43:14,588 --> 00:43:19,454
I shipped out the next day
and I never thought I'd see her again.
708
00:43:19,554 --> 00:43:22,855
My dearest, I do not know
if I will ever see you again,
709
00:43:22,954 --> 00:43:26,757
and as you know, I am already engaged.
I am sorry, my love,
710
00:43:26,857 --> 00:43:29,754
if we could be together,
I would turn the world on its side.
711
00:43:29,854 --> 00:43:32,653
But I am to be wed
on the 3rd of January.
712
00:43:32,753 --> 00:43:37,886
And at that exact moment
a fleet of U-boats blasted our ship.
713
00:43:37,986 --> 00:43:41,253
But not even Nazis
can stand in the way of love.
714
00:43:41,353 --> 00:43:44,487
I had to get back to her.
I swam shark-infested waters.
715
00:43:44,687 --> 00:43:48,719
Scaled the sea cliffs
of Canada's Labrador Coast.
716
00:43:48,819 --> 00:43:53,619
Raced across plains, deserts,
and burial grounds.
717
00:43:54,018 --> 00:43:57,653
It was the longest
three days of my life.
718
00:44:02,620 --> 00:44:05,585
Excusi, what the hell
do you think you're doing?
719
00:44:13,850 --> 00:44:16,451
That kiss changed everything.
720
00:44:16,551 --> 00:44:20,818
And after that,
the Allies turned the tide of war,
721
00:44:20,917 --> 00:44:23,984
and we lived happily ever after.
722
00:44:24,951 --> 00:44:26,717
That's a beautiful story, Granddad.
723
00:44:26,817 --> 00:44:28,417
- It's not your granddad.
- Whatever.
724
00:44:28,517 --> 00:44:32,384
See, women, they want to be fought over.
They like to feel desired.
725
00:44:32,484 --> 00:44:35,750
Just seems like if she felt half
of what I feel, she'd explode.
726
00:44:35,849 --> 00:44:38,849
Well, you feel all these things, but...
I mean, you're not doing anything.
727
00:44:39,049 --> 00:44:42,451
- Which makes him a what, Scotty?
- A pussy.
728
00:44:42,751 --> 00:44:45,683
That's right. You're a pussy.
729
00:45:11,615 --> 00:45:13,249
Hey! What's wrong with you?
730
00:45:13,349 --> 00:45:15,114
- I'm sorry!
- Where'd that rock come from?
731
00:45:15,214 --> 00:45:17,282
- Wait, who are you?
- Some pussy just broke our window.
732
00:45:17,382 --> 00:45:19,215
- What are you doing down there?
- Sorry, sorry!
733
00:45:19,315 --> 00:45:22,348
- Hey! What's going on?
- Sorry, guys, I'm looking for her.
734
00:45:22,448 --> 00:45:25,063
- Why?
- Yeah, why?
735
00:45:25,163 --> 00:45:29,782
I was just seeing if you wanted
to do something... with me.
736
00:45:30,481 --> 00:45:31,791
Like what?
737
00:45:33,680 --> 00:45:36,447
- Anything.
- What time is it?
738
00:45:37,146 --> 00:45:39,947
- Midnight or 1:00.
- It's kind of late.
739
00:45:40,047 --> 00:45:43,080
- Yeah, it is kind of late.
- Thanks. Thank you.
740
00:45:44,913 --> 00:45:47,246
But is it too late?
741
00:45:50,778 --> 00:45:54,193
So... what now?
742
00:45:54,414 --> 00:45:56,256
I don't know.
743
00:45:56,356 --> 00:45:59,413
I was kind of improvising back there.
I didn't think you were gonna come with me.
744
00:45:59,513 --> 00:46:01,679
So, you don't do this all the time?
745
00:46:01,778 --> 00:46:04,345
Well, you'd think,
given how smooth that was.
746
00:46:05,244 --> 00:46:06,713
You spend a lot of time down here?
747
00:46:06,812 --> 00:46:09,911
Training to be a longshoreman
in case that charity circuit dries up?
748
00:46:10,011 --> 00:46:13,045
Honestly, I don't think
they're ready for this much man.
749
00:46:13,145 --> 00:46:14,878
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
750
00:46:15,178 --> 00:46:18,778
I did spend a lot of time down here, though,
as a kid. My granddad took me here a lot.
751
00:46:18,878 --> 00:46:22,256
We'd walk up and down the docks
we'd pick a boat, pretend to own it,
752
00:46:22,356 --> 00:46:25,311
name it, and then list
all the places you'd sail to.
753
00:46:26,110 --> 00:46:27,511
My granddad was great at it, too.
754
00:46:27,611 --> 00:46:31,944
He'd pick names like Helen of Troy
or the S.S. Excalibur.
755
00:46:32,144 --> 00:46:36,311
Sail to places like Sea of Cortez
and Zanzibar, you know?
756
00:46:36,411 --> 00:46:38,210
And what about you?
757
00:46:38,410 --> 00:46:41,043
I was the captain of the S.S. Heman,
758
00:46:41,143 --> 00:46:43,062
and we had set a course
for Castle Grayskull.
759
00:46:43,976 --> 00:46:45,143
- Nice.
- Yeah, yeah.
760
00:46:45,243 --> 00:46:47,777
Bit of a novice when it came
to charting aquatic courses.
761
00:46:50,110 --> 00:46:52,282
Oh, you two must be close.
762
00:46:52,382 --> 00:46:54,644
Well, he pretty much raised me.
763
00:46:54,843 --> 00:46:56,709
Yeah?
764
00:46:58,576 --> 00:47:00,610
Yeah.
765
00:47:05,409 --> 00:47:06,976
Okay,
766
00:47:07,076 --> 00:47:10,176
you own one of these boats.
Top place, where you going?
767
00:47:10,276 --> 00:47:13,875
Oh, gosh, I gotta say Costa Rica.
768
00:47:13,975 --> 00:47:15,774
- Costa Rica? Really, why?
- Yeah.
769
00:47:16,074 --> 00:47:18,409
I don't know, I guess I've always
just wanted to go there.
770
00:47:18,509 --> 00:47:23,575
You know... exciting nightlife,
culture everywhere. Tropical fruits.
771
00:47:23,674 --> 00:47:28,575
Okay, so... your top destination
has endless exotic fruits,
772
00:47:28,674 --> 00:47:30,359
- a place that never sleeps...
- Yeah.
773
00:47:30,459 --> 00:47:35,174
...and a population
that predominantly speaks Spanish.
774
00:47:35,840 --> 00:47:37,754
Okay...
775
00:47:37,854 --> 00:47:41,508
I can do this. I can do this right now.
776
00:47:42,207 --> 00:47:44,473
Follow me.
777
00:47:46,653 --> 00:47:48,940
Very clever.
778
00:47:51,674 --> 00:47:54,106
Life is too short, you know?
779
00:47:56,540 --> 00:47:58,672
Holding a grudge against the Captain?
780
00:47:58,772 --> 00:48:00,373
I don't know what you're supposed
to do with a grudge.
781
00:48:00,473 --> 00:48:03,540
- Do tell.
- I'm kidding.
782
00:48:03,639 --> 00:48:06,403
No, you're not,
there's totally a story there.
783
00:48:11,139 --> 00:48:12,912
You're really not gonna tell me?
784
00:48:13,938 --> 00:48:17,804
Okay, come on,
help me find a birthday card.
785
00:48:21,671 --> 00:48:24,181
My dearest daughter...
786
00:48:24,281 --> 00:48:27,072
may you live all the days
of your life... happy birthday.
787
00:48:27,172 --> 00:48:32,238
If Christmas isn't in your heart...
you'll never find it under a tree.
788
00:48:32,338 --> 00:48:35,271
- Happy birthday.
- This isn't a joke.
789
00:48:35,371 --> 00:48:37,766
- Who's birthday is it?
- Mine.
790
00:48:38,438 --> 00:48:40,804
- It's your birthday?
- As of 30 minutes ago.
791
00:48:40,904 --> 00:48:42,604
- Right now?
- Yeah, right now.
792
00:48:42,704 --> 00:48:45,704
Well... happy birthday.
793
00:48:46,903 --> 00:48:49,037
What? No cash? You're a cheap ass.
794
00:48:49,137 --> 00:48:51,470
Isn't buying a birthday card
for yourself a little depressing?
795
00:48:51,569 --> 00:48:53,603
Should we get one of those
"cheer up" ones?
796
00:48:53,703 --> 00:48:57,836
It's... it's not supposed to be from me.
It's supposed to be from my dad.
797
00:48:59,403 --> 00:49:04,836
When I was little, he died a couple days
before my birthday. So...
798
00:49:04,936 --> 00:49:08,537
- I'm sorry... what happened?
- He killed himself.
799
00:49:09,236 --> 00:49:12,502
But then, on my birthday,
I got a card from him.
800
00:49:13,001 --> 00:49:14,734
He had sent it before he died,
801
00:49:14,834 --> 00:49:18,569
and he'd said that he was sorry
and that he loved me.
802
00:49:21,136 --> 00:49:23,968
Love is a little messed up sometimes.
803
00:49:24,902 --> 00:49:27,041
So, you know, every year on my birthday
804
00:49:27,141 --> 00:49:31,424
I pick out a card
that I think he would get me...
805
00:49:31,524 --> 00:49:33,963
and I sign it from him.
806
00:49:34,068 --> 00:49:36,634
And this might be it.
807
00:50:00,499 --> 00:50:04,250
- No boobs, no bone?
- It wasn't that kind of kiss.
808
00:50:04,350 --> 00:50:07,866
It was emotional, but wasn't about sex.
809
00:50:07,966 --> 00:50:10,798
I'm so confused. I don't know
how to translate what you just said.
810
00:50:10,898 --> 00:50:12,715
What did her tongue taste like?
811
00:50:12,965 --> 00:50:14,765
What are you doing
with your girlfriend there?
812
00:50:14,865 --> 00:50:17,199
Deflating her, and this is
my carpool lane associate.
813
00:50:17,299 --> 00:50:18,565
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, do you want to finish her off?
814
00:50:18,665 --> 00:50:20,532
Yeah, sure.
815
00:50:20,632 --> 00:50:23,664
Hey! Whoa, stop!
You're lucky I have two of these.
816
00:50:23,764 --> 00:50:27,497
It's my view that if you don't screw her soon
you're gonna screw it up for both of you.
817
00:50:27,797 --> 00:50:31,696
You know what? You would both be
better off if you just forget about her.
818
00:50:31,796 --> 00:50:36,297
You know, I have a short story that's exactly
perfect for this moment right now.
819
00:50:36,397 --> 00:50:38,578
Mallory, do you want to come
help me find it?
820
00:50:38,778 --> 00:50:41,664
I don't know. I don't think anyone's
ever gone in your van on purpose
821
00:50:41,764 --> 00:50:43,995
- so I'm not gonna be the first.
- What the eff!
822
00:50:44,195 --> 00:50:47,630
Lyle! If you're gonna move your house,
you have to tell everybody in the group.
823
00:50:47,730 --> 00:50:50,763
Can we just stop calling it a house?
Do you mind?
824
00:50:50,863 --> 00:50:52,763
Sorry, Scott, do you want to come
in here and help me find something?
825
00:50:52,863 --> 00:50:56,439
It's got a steering wheel, it can
make turns. It can go to different states.
826
00:50:56,538 --> 00:50:59,129
- Careful.
- It has a license plate.
827
00:50:59,920 --> 00:51:00,863
Pass.
828
00:51:00,963 --> 00:51:04,795
It's like I was saying,
sexual tension can cloud a man's mind.
829
00:51:04,895 --> 00:51:08,329
When the dick takes over,
the brain shuts off.
830
00:51:08,429 --> 00:51:10,168
- Are we still... are we on this?
- Both sides.
831
00:51:10,268 --> 00:51:13,495
It's writers 101, women want romance,
men want climax.
832
00:51:13,595 --> 00:51:17,495
One good orgasm, this guy's got all
his questions answered. Every single one.
833
00:51:17,595 --> 00:51:21,195
I'm sorry. Do men honestly think
that sex is the answer to everything?
834
00:51:21,295 --> 00:51:22,328
- Yes.
- Yeah.
835
00:51:22,427 --> 00:51:25,961
And it's also a time-tested shortcut,
since the dawn of man.
836
00:51:26,061 --> 00:51:29,527
If you can bang a girl, and forget
about her, then she's forgettable.
837
00:51:29,627 --> 00:51:31,527
Yeah, that's poetry.
838
00:51:31,627 --> 00:51:34,661
Hey, just forget about her. Move on.
839
00:51:34,761 --> 00:51:37,195
Hey, he cannot forget about her, okay?
840
00:51:37,295 --> 00:51:40,459
He's already built her up
as his mysterious forbidden fruit.
841
00:51:40,559 --> 00:51:42,329
So, unless he unravels the mystery,
842
00:51:42,428 --> 00:51:45,661
she'll haunt him, you know,
until the end of time.
843
00:51:46,660 --> 00:51:49,727
I've got a story about a serf. Okay?
844
00:51:50,327 --> 00:51:52,794
The serf was in love with the maiden...
845
00:51:54,193 --> 00:51:58,526
but he never told her,
so she married another.
846
00:52:02,359 --> 00:52:06,826
The serf vowed to forget her,
and to never be a slave to love again.
847
00:52:08,492 --> 00:52:12,559
Became a cold bastard,
he was unfulfilled. He was empty.
848
00:52:17,441 --> 00:52:21,457
There had to be more. So he became
a monk, looking for the Divine.
849
00:52:21,557 --> 00:52:24,424
He ran to ends of the earth,
searching for the spiritual fulfillment
850
00:52:24,524 --> 00:52:27,549
of the boundless and the everlasting.
851
00:52:28,657 --> 00:52:30,657
After many years had passed,
852
00:52:30,857 --> 00:52:33,225
and he'd finally cleared his mind
of all the earthly thoughts
853
00:52:33,325 --> 00:52:37,622
when he opened his mouth for the first
word that popped into his mind.
854
00:52:37,722 --> 00:52:41,023
And it was... her name.
855
00:52:41,123 --> 00:52:43,057
Gee, Grandpa, that was great.
856
00:52:43,157 --> 00:52:46,168
Why don't you tell the story about the time
you got drunk and tried to finger me.
857
00:52:46,268 --> 00:52:47,691
Okay, here it is.
858
00:52:47,791 --> 00:52:51,424
It's about this Russian astronaut who fell
in love with the mistress of the czar.
859
00:52:51,524 --> 00:52:54,756
- Lyle, I'm telling a story.
- Yeah, no, it's the same story...
860
00:52:54,856 --> 00:52:57,289
because he couldn't have
the girl he loved, right?
861
00:52:57,388 --> 00:52:59,202
So he ends up taking the space mission
862
00:52:59,302 --> 00:53:03,422
and he ends up floating off in space,
alone... without her, going crazy.
863
00:53:03,522 --> 00:53:04,990
Are you done? Are you finished?
864
00:53:05,090 --> 00:53:07,656
Well, he'll probably run out
of oxygen at some point.
865
00:53:07,756 --> 00:53:09,623
So then, that would probably be the end.
866
00:53:09,723 --> 00:53:13,422
Well, the point of my story is that
you can't just forget about her...
867
00:53:13,522 --> 00:53:17,255
- you have to answer the question.
- Yeah, mine, too. It's the same story.
868
00:53:17,354 --> 00:53:20,488
And then after that,
you suffocate out in space.
869
00:53:21,188 --> 00:53:23,189
Same story.
870
00:53:25,289 --> 00:53:28,127
Frogs are becoming extinct
throughout the rainforest.
871
00:53:28,227 --> 00:53:29,388
But what's more interesting...
872
00:53:29,488 --> 00:53:33,254
I never thought online dating
was for me until I tried it on a dare.
873
00:54:04,957 --> 00:54:08,848
- Hello.
- All right, I need to talk. Are you busy?
874
00:54:09,252 --> 00:54:10,752
No, no.
875
00:54:11,451 --> 00:54:13,785
This friend thing has gotten off-track.
876
00:54:13,885 --> 00:54:16,118
- It was the kiss, wasn't it?
- It's everything.
877
00:54:16,218 --> 00:54:20,085
I've got such a huge pit in my stomach.
I can't eat, I can't sleep.
878
00:54:20,185 --> 00:54:23,019
So... it was a good kiss?
879
00:54:23,119 --> 00:54:27,542
That is irrelevant, okay?
That shouldn't...
880
00:54:27,642 --> 00:54:30,251
- We can't.
- I know. I know, it's messing me up, too.
881
00:54:31,950 --> 00:54:33,784
You think we should just have sex,
get it out of our system?
882
00:54:33,884 --> 00:54:35,152
We are not having sex!
883
00:54:35,251 --> 00:54:37,584
Well, you're not offering any solutions.
I'm just trying to be helpful.
884
00:54:37,684 --> 00:54:40,551
Helpful to yourself.
How does you getting laid help me?
885
00:54:40,651 --> 00:54:43,851
I've explored every other option.
I can't just be friends.
886
00:54:43,951 --> 00:54:48,109
I'm not getting a sex change and I refuse
to die out in space or join a monastery.
887
00:54:48,209 --> 00:54:50,250
How are those the only options?
888
00:54:50,350 --> 00:54:53,084
- I'm open to suggestions.
- Well, I don't have any.
889
00:54:53,184 --> 00:54:57,050
That doesn't mean sex.
All right, the kiss was a mistake.
890
00:54:57,150 --> 00:55:02,470
Look, if this thing between us,
if it's nothing, if it's just infatuation,
891
00:55:03,315 --> 00:55:06,282
- maybe sex will cure it?
- Stop it.
892
00:55:06,582 --> 00:55:10,016
- So, what will it be?
- Some cold turkey.
893
00:55:10,116 --> 00:55:12,716
No, I don't want cold turkey.
894
00:55:12,816 --> 00:55:16,950
I want a hot... open-face sandwich.
895
00:55:17,050 --> 00:55:19,516
No, nothing hot.
896
00:55:19,616 --> 00:55:22,616
I want something steamy.
897
00:55:22,816 --> 00:55:25,148
- I want soup.
- He'll have gazpacho.
898
00:55:25,247 --> 00:55:27,714
We don't do gazpacho.
The menus are right there.
899
00:55:27,814 --> 00:55:30,315
Okay, I'll pick. I want ice cream.
900
00:55:30,415 --> 00:55:34,881
Oh, something sweet?
And a little bit bad for you.
901
00:55:34,981 --> 00:55:36,814
We're out of ice cream.
902
00:55:36,914 --> 00:55:38,832
- Of course, you are.
- Sorry.
903
00:55:38,932 --> 00:55:43,581
Could you bring us
some whipped cream and jelly?
904
00:55:43,981 --> 00:55:45,847
Whatever.
905
00:55:47,881 --> 00:55:51,212
Wow, what do you got
up your sleeve, Copperfield?
906
00:55:53,296 --> 00:55:56,212
Are you on that new condiment diet?
907
00:55:57,446 --> 00:55:59,114
- There you go.
- Thank you.
908
00:56:06,046 --> 00:56:07,746
Okay, I'm getting excited now.
909
00:56:09,746 --> 00:56:11,630
Voila.
910
00:56:13,080 --> 00:56:14,713
Ice cream.
911
00:57:33,475 --> 00:57:34,876
Oh, God.
912
00:57:35,125 --> 00:57:37,541
My whole life,
I've felt guilty after sex.
913
00:57:37,641 --> 00:57:40,707
Guilty for everything I said
and done to get there.
914
00:57:40,807 --> 00:57:43,090
- So.
- So.
915
00:57:43,190 --> 00:57:46,261
But the thing I learned is when you
actually care about the person,
916
00:57:46,361 --> 00:57:49,174
you don't feel guilty.
917
00:58:30,939 --> 00:58:33,438
Welcome back, Cap.
918
00:58:36,004 --> 00:58:37,938
You know I couldn't even...
919
00:58:38,037 --> 00:58:42,104
I couldn't even eat this stuff
until last night. Look at me now.
920
00:58:42,754 --> 00:58:46,154
- I hope you don't think it means something.
- Of course, it means something.
921
00:58:46,254 --> 00:58:50,021
You bet your ass, it means something.
You feel it, too, I can see it.
922
00:58:50,121 --> 00:58:53,937
Yeah, I feel something, but I told you
last night, this can't happen.
923
00:58:54,236 --> 00:58:56,103
Come on, you can't say
you don't feel differently now.
924
00:58:56,203 --> 00:58:59,582
Yeah, but it always feels like this
at first. Like with my boyfriend,
925
00:58:59,682 --> 00:59:03,235
and all the other guys before him,
and then eventually it becomes...
926
00:59:03,435 --> 00:59:05,204
ordinary.
927
00:59:05,304 --> 00:59:06,331
Ordinary?
928
00:59:07,503 --> 00:59:09,270
You think last night was ordinary?
929
00:59:09,370 --> 00:59:14,135
No, I think last night was amazing.
But that's not the point.
930
00:59:14,235 --> 00:59:18,636
It was amazing, so what's the problem?
Screw those guys, they're not me.
931
00:59:18,736 --> 00:59:21,505
Yeah, but what about the next guy?
Is that gonna be amazing?
932
00:59:21,605 --> 00:59:25,169
- The next guy? There's already a next guy?
- No, the metaphorical next guy.
933
00:59:25,269 --> 00:59:27,436
God, now I gotta go meet
my boyfriend for lunch.
934
00:59:27,536 --> 00:59:29,967
Your boyfriend?
Wait, wait you gonna tell him about us?
935
00:59:30,067 --> 00:59:33,168
What? No, I'm not gonna tell him
about us. That I screwed up?
936
00:59:33,268 --> 00:59:37,301
Yeah, what's wrong with that?
It's the truth! Do you want me to tell him?
937
00:59:37,401 --> 00:59:41,058
No, I don't want you to tell him.
I gotta go.
938
00:59:44,968 --> 00:59:47,318
Fine! You know what?
I thought this was special.
939
00:59:47,418 --> 00:59:51,735
You're telling me it's ordinary. I guess
I was wrong. Enjoy all your next guys.
940
01:00:10,166 --> 01:00:12,508
Sounds like you gotta give her more space.
You know? You're crowding her.
941
01:00:12,608 --> 01:00:14,766
- Yeah.
- Shut up, you don't get to talk.
942
01:00:14,866 --> 01:00:17,767
- The dude's got a point... got a point.
- What do you mean, he has a point?
943
01:00:17,867 --> 01:00:19,933
You're the one that told me
sleeping with her was the only way.
944
01:00:20,033 --> 01:00:22,767
No, I said that sleeping with her
would give you the answer.
945
01:00:22,867 --> 01:00:25,500
I didn't know you were gonna lose it
and start acting needy.
946
01:00:25,600 --> 01:00:28,132
I'm not needy. We had a connection.
947
01:00:28,232 --> 01:00:31,265
So, dude, you take a girl home
for the first time and sleep with her,
948
01:00:31,365 --> 01:00:33,899
and you wake up in the morning
and she's trying to...
949
01:00:33,999 --> 01:00:37,931
you know, re-arrange your life.
How... how would you react to that?
950
01:00:38,231 --> 01:00:40,075
You gotta fix that, man.
951
01:00:40,175 --> 01:00:42,531
Shit, I'm needy.
952
01:00:42,681 --> 01:00:45,341
Hey, it's me.
953
01:00:45,906 --> 01:00:49,380
- Truce lunch?
- I didn't know we were at war.
954
01:00:49,480 --> 01:00:52,699
Well, I guess this is me
waving the white flag.
955
01:00:53,498 --> 01:00:55,364
I'm glad you called, actually.
956
01:00:56,063 --> 01:00:57,097
You are?
957
01:00:57,197 --> 01:01:01,397
Look, I am so sorry about the other morning.
I completely panicked, you know?
958
01:01:01,497 --> 01:01:04,629
No, I'm sorry. It's completely me,
I was so out of line.
959
01:01:04,729 --> 01:01:06,995
You freaked out a little bit,
and then that made me freak out
960
01:01:07,095 --> 01:01:09,447
and then you freaked out more.
And everything just got, you know...
961
01:01:10,219 --> 01:01:12,095
freaky.
962
01:01:12,195 --> 01:01:15,297
I know, but maybe
you were right about things.
963
01:01:16,796 --> 01:01:19,693
About you being in something
for the wrong reason
964
01:01:19,793 --> 01:01:22,897
or feeling differently about us?
Or both?
965
01:01:24,895 --> 01:01:27,928
Give me one good reason
why you and I belong together.
966
01:01:30,228 --> 01:01:34,803
I feel like the universe is pushing me
in a certain direction. And...
967
01:01:35,873 --> 01:01:38,814
God... All right, you know when...
968
01:01:38,914 --> 01:01:41,877
your friends tell you stories about their
break-up or their pet dying, whatever?
969
01:01:41,977 --> 01:01:44,127
I do this thing where I imagine
myself in the story.
970
01:01:44,227 --> 01:01:47,527
I feel like I can't do it now,
without you in it with me.
971
01:01:47,627 --> 01:01:49,961
- Oh, my God.
- It's a sign.
972
01:01:50,842 --> 01:01:53,528
- It's not a sign.
- It is. Trust me.
973
01:01:53,728 --> 01:01:57,327
- I do, that's what scares me.
- Hey! I knew that was you.
974
01:01:57,427 --> 01:01:59,394
Shit, it's the last guy I need to see.
975
01:01:59,494 --> 01:02:03,189
Where you been? I haven't seen you
at any of the monkey dinners.
976
01:02:03,289 --> 01:02:05,626
Yeah. My schedule's been crazy.
977
01:02:05,726 --> 01:02:08,859
And I'm talking to the event coordinator
at the Assist-a-Sister craft sale
978
01:02:08,959 --> 01:02:11,807
but she said that she'd never
even heard of you.
979
01:02:12,160 --> 01:02:14,993
I'm all, screw that, sister,
he's on the board of directors.
980
01:02:15,093 --> 01:02:19,025
Then she showed me her business card
and she's on the board of directors.
981
01:02:22,709 --> 01:02:26,791
Liar's block... it's like writer's block,
but for shitheads.
982
01:02:26,891 --> 01:02:31,942
I'm not technically as involved in the charity
scene as I may have led you to believe.
983
01:02:32,042 --> 01:02:35,659
- What does that mean?
- Well, charity events don't pay the bills.
984
01:02:35,858 --> 01:02:39,004
I go when I can, I just don't go
as often as I'd like to.
985
01:02:41,191 --> 01:02:42,790
Or claim to.
986
01:02:42,890 --> 01:02:46,625
- What do you do, exactly?
- I'm a writer.
987
01:02:46,725 --> 01:02:48,124
You've been lying this whole time.
988
01:02:48,224 --> 01:02:52,458
No, no, no, no, don't think of it like that.
Although it is technically accurate.
989
01:02:52,558 --> 01:02:56,194
Africa? Rainforest? The frogs?
990
01:02:56,645 --> 01:03:00,691
I want to take your drink
and throw it in your face.
991
01:03:06,690 --> 01:03:07,989
I did help with the frogs!
992
01:03:08,089 --> 01:03:09,823
I shouldn't be here.
God, I'm such an idiot.
993
01:03:09,923 --> 01:03:12,107
I really did!
I met a frog scientist at...
994
01:03:12,207 --> 01:03:15,457
I don't care about the frogs.
Fuck the frogs!
995
01:03:23,589 --> 01:03:27,022
You look like shit. What are you,
method writing or something?
996
01:03:27,467 --> 01:03:31,155
- I'm a fraud.
- Don't go to a dark place, man.
997
01:03:31,255 --> 01:03:34,931
RomComs are supposed
to be funny, remember?
998
01:03:35,488 --> 01:03:36,968
Look,
999
01:03:37,068 --> 01:03:40,154
it's not that hard, man. Check it out.
1000
01:03:40,254 --> 01:03:43,522
Boy meets girl, right?
Shit happens, right?
1001
01:03:43,721 --> 01:03:47,421
Boy, girl, do it... happily ever after.
1002
01:03:47,521 --> 01:03:50,338
That's not the way the world
works, Bryan. It's a shit show.
1003
01:03:51,388 --> 01:03:54,620
And you didn't draw hair on the girl,
I don't know which one is the dude.
1004
01:03:54,719 --> 01:03:58,935
Fine, I'll give you hair. What kind of hair
you want? You want a Beyoncé look?
1005
01:03:59,035 --> 01:04:01,587
You want like a Dolly Parton thing?
Puff, you want a flat-top?
1006
01:04:01,686 --> 01:04:03,287
No, you know what?
That's perfect, that's what love is.
1007
01:04:03,387 --> 01:04:05,902
It's this simple thing in our brains
and you try and put it in the world
1008
01:04:06,002 --> 01:04:07,383
and it gets decimated.
1009
01:04:07,483 --> 01:04:12,519
You can't even draw love on a napkin,
without it looking like two dudes 69-ing.
1010
01:04:12,619 --> 01:04:15,785
You're right.
You can't put love on paper.
1011
01:04:15,885 --> 01:04:18,786
You have a better chance of bleeding
your heart out through a paper cut
1012
01:04:18,886 --> 01:04:21,852
- then through a pen.
- What? Is that deep?
1013
01:04:21,952 --> 01:04:23,952
No, it's from another client's script.
1014
01:04:24,052 --> 01:04:27,286
I don't think it's good,
but everybody wants it.
1015
01:04:27,386 --> 01:04:30,436
Bidding all day on it,
because he finished the script.
1016
01:04:30,985 --> 01:04:35,052
RomComs aren't true.
They're what we wish were true.
1017
01:04:35,152 --> 01:04:40,419
And right now, what I wish was true,
is that you would meet your damn deadline!
1018
01:04:40,519 --> 01:04:43,418
And I really wish we weren't
having this conversation.
1019
01:04:43,518 --> 01:04:48,317
Okay. So, what I'm seeing
is you're distracted,
1020
01:04:48,417 --> 01:04:52,184
can't write, can't meet your deadline,
because of a girl!
1021
01:04:52,384 --> 01:04:55,317
So let's get a new girl!
1022
01:04:56,110 --> 01:04:59,784
How about that? Good?
Distraction from your distraction?
1023
01:04:59,884 --> 01:05:01,783
Let's head over to this party
I was gonna go to.
1024
01:05:01,883 --> 01:05:03,584
I don't know
if my heart's into it, Bryan.
1025
01:05:03,683 --> 01:05:05,384
Fuck your heart, man!
1026
01:05:05,683 --> 01:05:09,393
I'm talking about Champagne and blow jobs!
Let's go meet some girls.
1027
01:05:09,493 --> 01:05:12,283
Let's roll them up.
Let's glaze 'em like doughnuts.
1028
01:05:13,382 --> 01:05:16,517
No shit, cross my heart,
I tell the guy to get out of my house.
1029
01:05:16,616 --> 01:05:20,142
He leaves a book on the table.
I make a call, two weeks later...
1030
01:05:20,342 --> 01:05:22,446
Hunger Games.
1031
01:05:23,283 --> 01:05:26,550
Hey, man. Tequila?
1032
01:05:27,815 --> 01:05:29,266
What am I doing here?
1033
01:05:29,366 --> 01:05:33,082
The girl I love is probably screwing
some other guy right now.
1034
01:05:33,721 --> 01:05:35,682
Probably sweat-staining
the sheets with pleasure.
1035
01:05:35,782 --> 01:05:39,981
Coining new words
with orgasm after orgasm.
1036
01:05:41,249 --> 01:05:43,981
God knows that's what I'd be doing.
1037
01:05:46,914 --> 01:05:50,114
Hey, man. I think I'm gonna take off.
1038
01:05:50,214 --> 01:05:52,983
- You didn't find a distraction?
- No.
1039
01:05:54,181 --> 01:05:55,998
I honestly don't know what I felt.
1040
01:05:56,814 --> 01:06:00,805
But It was kind of like my heart
was drowning.
1041
01:06:03,180 --> 01:06:06,505
Maybe she's not the one.
Maybe my body and my instincts,
1042
01:06:06,604 --> 01:06:08,713
and the whole universe
are just lying to me.
1043
01:06:08,813 --> 01:06:11,546
I don't even know
what makes sense anymore.
1044
01:06:11,646 --> 01:06:15,413
Come on, man, please open up.
Just talk to me for a second?
1045
01:06:16,280 --> 01:06:20,513
All right, all right, look...
1046
01:06:21,097 --> 01:06:25,479
Sometimes when I'm searching for,
you know, porn to masturbate to,
1047
01:06:25,578 --> 01:06:27,991
if I'm looking for girls that are a lot
like the girl that I'm seeing,
1048
01:06:28,091 --> 01:06:30,585
that's a good sign. All right?
1049
01:06:30,685 --> 01:06:34,006
- Okay.
- So, ask yourself,
1050
01:06:34,106 --> 01:06:36,913
if you do that. I gotta go, man,
I'm in the middle of something.
1051
01:06:37,013 --> 01:06:42,711
Lyle! That's not advice. Come on, man,
give me like five minutes, be a friend.
1052
01:06:42,911 --> 01:06:45,784
- All right.
- Look, look, look...
1053
01:06:45,884 --> 01:06:49,279
You've gotta go to her.
Tell her how you feel.
1054
01:06:49,379 --> 01:06:52,677
- She knows how I feel.
- But did you tell her you love her?
1055
01:06:52,777 --> 01:06:55,861
I don't think she believes in love.
To be honest, I don't know if I do.
1056
01:06:55,961 --> 01:06:59,864
Doesn't matter, as long as you feel it.
1057
01:07:08,510 --> 01:07:12,111
Look, she loves these little cat kisses.
They're so cute.
1058
01:07:12,211 --> 01:07:15,917
Look, I have needs and you're blocking
those needs right now.
1059
01:07:16,017 --> 01:07:19,543
Go talk to Mallory,
she loves your little issues.
1060
01:07:20,043 --> 01:07:22,754
Thank you. Thank you.
1061
01:07:23,643 --> 01:07:26,475
She won't return any of my calls.
She's ignoring my texts.
1062
01:07:26,575 --> 01:07:28,942
Why are girls so crazy?
1063
01:07:29,042 --> 01:07:31,076
Men, men make us crazy.
1064
01:07:31,176 --> 01:07:33,475
You know what I mean, though?
You're with this crazy person,
1065
01:07:33,575 --> 01:07:37,237
and they're making you crazy.
You just want to shake them
1066
01:07:37,337 --> 01:07:40,154
- and show them what you see!
- Yeah, I've been there.
1067
01:07:40,254 --> 01:07:42,459
How'd you handle it?
1068
01:07:43,059 --> 01:07:46,775
- Me? I didn't do anything.
- Nothing?
1069
01:07:46,875 --> 01:07:49,008
You must have done something.
How strong were your feelings?
1070
01:07:49,108 --> 01:07:51,749
- Pretty strong.
- The guy from the play?
1071
01:07:51,849 --> 01:07:54,541
No, he was too needy.
1072
01:07:54,641 --> 01:07:56,382
Some other guy.
1073
01:07:58,473 --> 01:08:00,764
All right, if you had to go back
and do it all over again,
1074
01:08:00,864 --> 01:08:04,673
- would you tell him how you felt?
- I don't know. It might hurt.
1075
01:08:04,773 --> 01:08:07,241
Yeah, but doesn't this hurt?
What if he felt the same way?
1076
01:08:07,341 --> 01:08:08,608
I love you.
1077
01:08:10,341 --> 01:08:13,326
- Shit.
- I love you.
1078
01:08:13,425 --> 01:08:15,707
I should've told you.
I thought you knew.
1079
01:08:24,540 --> 01:08:28,066
And that's why I never told you.
1080
01:08:37,305 --> 01:08:42,772
- Where's our script, bitch?
- Yeah, where's our script?
1081
01:08:44,139 --> 01:08:49,905
I'm gonna slit your throat
and penetrate your mind.
1082
01:08:50,472 --> 01:08:52,555
Yeah.
1083
01:09:03,171 --> 01:09:07,097
- Hello?
- I need to tell you something.
1084
01:09:07,537 --> 01:09:10,038
- I'm engaged.
- What?
1085
01:09:10,138 --> 01:09:13,237
I've been a total mess and I'm sorry.
It's been all my fault.
1086
01:09:13,337 --> 01:09:16,403
- I've projected all of my fears onto you.
- Why would you do this?
1087
01:09:16,503 --> 01:09:20,684
Because he's the one steady thing
in my life. It's time.
1088
01:09:20,784 --> 01:09:25,203
It's time? That's your reason?
You don't love this guy.
1089
01:09:26,311 --> 01:09:28,803
What are you doing? God! Stop it!
1090
01:09:29,103 --> 01:09:32,702
This is a mistake. I know you don't see it
right now, but I promise you will regret it.
1091
01:09:32,802 --> 01:09:35,468
- Oh, my God.
- I love you.
1092
01:09:36,469 --> 01:09:39,569
Are you out of your mind? Oh, my God!
1093
01:09:39,669 --> 01:09:42,036
- You better find my goddamn ring!
- I'll buy you another ring!
1094
01:09:42,186 --> 01:09:45,263
- All right, move! I'll find your ring.
- Jesus Christ! Watch where you're stepping!
1095
01:09:45,362 --> 01:09:48,379
- If it was bigger, it'd be easier to find.
- Oh, really? Do you hear that a lot?
1096
01:09:48,479 --> 01:09:49,520
Here!
1097
01:09:49,620 --> 01:09:52,884
Jesus Christ! Why do you have
to complicate everything?
1098
01:09:52,984 --> 01:09:56,435
Me? You called me!
Why didn't you just text?
1099
01:09:57,334 --> 01:09:59,966
I don't want you to marry this guy.
Why him? Why now?
1100
01:10:00,066 --> 01:10:02,792
- Give me one good reason.
- It makes sense.
1101
01:10:02,892 --> 01:10:04,968
- What do you want to hear?
- That you love him.
1102
01:10:05,068 --> 01:10:08,076
You want to hear that I love you.
1103
01:10:08,176 --> 01:10:10,134
I can't give you that.
1104
01:10:20,733 --> 01:10:24,750
I want to put my face in a waffle iron.
1105
01:10:24,850 --> 01:10:28,464
- I want to jump in front of a Maglev train.
- No, you don't.
1106
01:10:31,498 --> 01:10:34,266
Maybe you're pitying yourself
a little too much here.
1107
01:10:34,366 --> 01:10:38,499
Pitying? It's not pity. I'm hurt.
1108
01:10:38,599 --> 01:10:43,266
Okay, but what about... her?
1109
01:10:43,366 --> 01:10:46,315
I mean, you know, you put her
in a pretty tough spot here.
1110
01:10:46,565 --> 01:10:49,865
She's marrying a guy she doesn't love.
She put herself in that spot.
1111
01:10:49,965 --> 01:10:52,431
Yeah, and you went after a girl
that has a boyfriend.
1112
01:10:53,031 --> 01:10:55,247
I mean, you kind of
brought that on yourself.
1113
01:10:55,347 --> 01:10:59,398
If you really love her,
maybe you should... let her go.
1114
01:10:59,598 --> 01:11:04,132
- Who's side are you on?
- I'm... I'm on love's side.
1115
01:11:04,232 --> 01:11:05,904
Oh, my God...
1116
01:11:06,004 --> 01:11:11,804
Scott, I don't need some romanticized
metaphor right now, all right?
1117
01:11:12,563 --> 01:11:15,031
Okay, just trying to help.
1118
01:11:15,131 --> 01:11:18,831
Really? And where'd you gain
this amazing insight into love?
1119
01:11:18,931 --> 01:11:20,998
You've been in love with the guy
from the book store for two years.
1120
01:11:21,098 --> 01:11:24,462
You haven't done shit. At least
I tried, I put myself out there.
1121
01:11:24,562 --> 01:11:26,097
Look, Vince is obviously straight.
1122
01:11:26,197 --> 01:11:30,930
No gay man thinks that Terminator
is the most romantic movie of all time.
1123
01:11:31,030 --> 01:11:35,262
Plus, I did the whole
Ghost-ditto line thing on him.
1124
01:11:35,738 --> 01:11:39,130
Nothing. So I think it's pretty safe
to say if he's gay, he'd be all over this.
1125
01:11:39,229 --> 01:11:42,829
You're lying to yourself. You run around
leaving this romance book for people to find.
1126
01:11:42,929 --> 01:11:46,327
That doesn't make you an expert in love.
1127
01:11:47,277 --> 01:11:48,862
That book is my art.
1128
01:11:48,962 --> 01:11:52,630
Okay, I bet not one person
who found it ever read it.
1129
01:11:55,361 --> 01:12:00,234
Wait a second, you never read it?
You told me you read it.
1130
01:12:01,645 --> 01:12:04,394
Don't make your Scott face.
If it's that important to you, I'll read it.
1131
01:12:04,494 --> 01:12:07,017
If it's that important to me?
I got pink eye
1132
01:12:07,117 --> 01:12:10,194
- from a charity dunk tank for you.
- You didn't write it.
1133
01:12:10,294 --> 01:12:14,594
Oh, my God, you are so self-absorbed!
That book changed my life!
1134
01:12:14,694 --> 01:12:18,494
It inspired me to write!
To... to accept myself, Jesus!
1135
01:12:18,594 --> 01:12:20,369
- Come on, man, don't do this. This is...
- Christ!
1136
01:12:20,469 --> 01:12:23,290
I've seen you run through Mallory.
I've seen you dismiss Lyle.
1137
01:12:23,390 --> 01:12:26,345
You barely ever visit Granddad.
The entire time I thought I was exempt.
1138
01:12:26,445 --> 01:12:28,726
For some reason,
I thought I was the exception.
1139
01:12:28,826 --> 01:12:32,128
- Really? You want to go there over a book?
- What's the name of the book?
1140
01:12:37,426 --> 01:12:39,892
E... Eternal Love and Leprosy.
1141
01:12:40,491 --> 01:12:42,993
I'm kidding!
It's... Love and the Time of Cholera.
1142
01:12:43,093 --> 01:12:45,959
Love in the Time of Cholera.
1143
01:12:46,059 --> 01:12:47,303
90 percent.
1144
01:12:48,991 --> 01:12:51,458
Well, Mr. Screenwriter...
1145
01:12:51,558 --> 01:12:55,826
I am just so glad
that I'm not in the movie of your life.
1146
01:12:55,926 --> 01:13:00,130
- What's that supposed to mean?
- You're the lead, right? You're the star.
1147
01:13:01,625 --> 01:13:05,066
But it'll never be a great romance.
Do you want to know why?
1148
01:13:06,525 --> 01:13:08,892
It's only about one person.
1149
01:13:12,517 --> 01:13:15,324
You didn't write the book!
1150
01:13:23,190 --> 01:13:24,999
Hey!
1151
01:13:25,098 --> 01:13:27,957
Hey! It's me!
1152
01:13:29,589 --> 01:13:32,223
Jesus! Did you just throw a rock at me?
1153
01:13:32,323 --> 01:13:34,924
Shit! Head's up!
1154
01:13:35,024 --> 01:13:38,122
Sorry. You can't marry him.
1155
01:13:38,722 --> 01:13:41,556
You want logic, I'll give you logic.
1156
01:13:41,656 --> 01:13:43,723
One, you don't love him.
1157
01:13:43,823 --> 01:13:46,786
Jesus, do not do this.
1158
01:13:46,886 --> 01:13:51,355
The sex is better with me.
I know, I have first-hand experience.
1159
01:13:51,455 --> 01:13:53,089
- Who is it?
- It's no one!
1160
01:13:53,189 --> 01:13:56,788
It's not no one! I'm the one!
1161
01:13:56,888 --> 01:13:58,125
Third,
1162
01:13:58,225 --> 01:14:02,485
he hates hearts. He hates museum hearts.
1163
01:14:02,585 --> 01:14:05,555
He's gonna hate San Francisco hearts.
1164
01:14:05,655 --> 01:14:08,688
He hates my heart,
because my heart smokes...
1165
01:14:08,788 --> 01:14:10,188
What's going on out here?
1166
01:14:10,288 --> 01:14:14,520
Oh, God, look at him!
Your kids are gonna look like that?
1167
01:14:14,620 --> 01:14:17,870
- Look, do you want me to call the cops?
- No, just go inside, he's drunk.
1168
01:14:17,970 --> 01:14:20,487
- Call 'em, bitch. Call the cops!
- Look, I swear to God, I'm gonna...
1169
01:14:20,587 --> 01:14:24,633
Gonna what? Stand up there
and talk me to death or come down here
1170
01:14:24,733 --> 01:14:27,686
- and stuff my balls in your mouth.
- Right.
1171
01:14:27,786 --> 01:14:30,987
Third! I love you.
1172
01:14:31,586 --> 01:14:35,294
There's no one else, I know.
1173
01:14:36,159 --> 01:14:38,070
I've looked.
1174
01:14:38,570 --> 01:14:40,405
Have you got a problem, punk?
1175
01:14:40,905 --> 01:14:43,051
You're trying to harass me
and my fiancee, are you?
1176
01:14:43,151 --> 01:14:44,118
She doesn't love you, man.
1177
01:14:44,218 --> 01:14:45,953
Let me show you what happens
when you're drunk.
1178
01:14:49,486 --> 01:14:51,735
Beat his ass!
1179
01:14:52,718 --> 01:14:55,068
Yeah!
1180
01:14:55,168 --> 01:14:57,518
Unfortunately,
this is what actually happens.
1181
01:14:58,017 --> 01:14:59,985
She doesn't love you, man.
1182
01:15:07,985 --> 01:15:10,017
What is wrong with you?
1183
01:15:10,917 --> 01:15:14,107
I just bought these at Barney's!
1184
01:15:18,083 --> 01:15:20,484
He asked me to move in with him.
1185
01:15:20,584 --> 01:15:23,083
We're gonna elope in December.
1186
01:15:27,950 --> 01:15:31,316
- You hate me.
- I don't hate you.
1187
01:15:33,883 --> 01:15:36,453
I nothing you.
1188
01:15:54,682 --> 01:15:57,115
Oh, Scott.
1189
01:15:57,215 --> 01:16:00,714
I know I owe you an apology,
but I can't talk right now.
1190
01:16:00,814 --> 01:16:03,815
- I had a really rough night.
- If there's one universal law...
1191
01:16:03,915 --> 01:16:08,414
beyond relativity and string theory
and M-theory, it's this.
1192
01:16:08,714 --> 01:16:11,264
- Things can always get worse.
- Granddad died.
1193
01:16:13,359 --> 01:16:15,380
I'm sorry.
1194
01:16:54,011 --> 01:16:56,278
So death comes as a reminder.
1195
01:16:56,378 --> 01:17:00,244
It grabs us and shakes us,
opens our eyes.
1196
01:17:04,277 --> 01:17:09,910
And our focus is changed...
shifted... revised.
1197
01:17:20,677 --> 01:17:22,170
To the finder of this book...
1198
01:17:22,270 --> 01:17:26,543
This book changed my life,
so I wanted to share it with you.
1199
01:17:26,643 --> 01:17:29,909
I'm gonna tell you this one from my point
of view so you can put yourself in there.
1200
01:17:30,009 --> 01:17:31,909
...the song, the memory...
1201
01:17:32,009 --> 01:17:33,523
So the story goes,
1202
01:17:33,623 --> 01:17:37,090
a guy falls in love with a girl
the second he meets her,
1203
01:17:37,190 --> 01:17:40,002
but it takes him a lifetime
to finally get together.
1204
01:17:40,102 --> 01:17:42,550
When they do, they end up on a boat,
1205
01:17:42,650 --> 01:17:46,799
and they realize the only way they can
stay together is to never go ashore,
1206
01:17:46,898 --> 01:17:50,499
so they raise the yellow cholera flag
so no port will take them,
1207
01:17:50,599 --> 01:17:53,543
and they drift out to sea until the end.
1208
01:17:53,643 --> 01:17:55,563
And it makes you realize,
1209
01:17:55,663 --> 01:17:58,508
there are people in your life
so important
1210
01:17:58,608 --> 01:18:01,741
that they dwarf everything else.
1211
01:18:02,854 --> 01:18:06,107
And it's up to you
to figure out who they are.
1212
01:18:09,141 --> 01:18:11,688
If you had to give up everything else,
1213
01:18:11,788 --> 01:18:14,552
and spend the rest of your days
on a boat...
1214
01:18:14,652 --> 01:18:19,340
who are the must-haves?
The ones you can't live without.
1215
01:18:25,640 --> 01:18:27,390
Figure out your own list
1216
01:18:27,490 --> 01:18:32,017
and then do everything you can to let them
know how much they mean to you.
1217
01:18:38,339 --> 01:18:41,505
I hope it's not too late for me.
1218
01:18:41,605 --> 01:18:44,205
Okay, first things first.
1219
01:18:48,756 --> 01:18:51,272
Split-personality Rom-Com, let's do it.
1220
01:18:56,305 --> 01:18:59,500
Just because I wear a badge,
doesn't mean I can't feel.
1221
01:18:59,600 --> 01:19:03,271
It's too late, he's Heisman-ed you
into the friend zone.
1222
01:19:03,371 --> 01:19:07,138
Oh, it's useless,
she could never love us.
1223
01:19:07,538 --> 01:19:10,338
You're just saying that,
because we're crazy.
1224
01:19:10,438 --> 01:19:12,204
Oh, he's no different than us.
1225
01:19:12,304 --> 01:19:14,871
Everyone has all these
different faces to hide behind.
1226
01:19:15,171 --> 01:19:18,537
Love is just as crazy.
It changes everything, okay?
1227
01:19:18,637 --> 01:19:21,620
It could be like a red,
red rose, or a machete.
1228
01:19:21,720 --> 01:19:25,736
It's like what they say,
love is a many splintered thing.
1229
01:19:25,836 --> 01:19:27,769
It's not splintered.
1230
01:19:27,869 --> 01:19:32,313
It's "Love is a many splendored thing."
Splintered sounds painful.
1231
01:19:32,613 --> 01:19:34,885
It's that, too.
1232
01:19:34,985 --> 01:19:38,472
Yeah, it's that, too.
1233
01:19:49,802 --> 01:19:52,202
I don't really know
what's happening here.
1234
01:19:52,302 --> 01:19:54,449
I just finished a screenplay.
It's very emotional.
1235
01:19:59,418 --> 01:20:02,202
All right, time to celebrate.
1236
01:20:03,235 --> 01:20:04,368
Scott and I had made up.
1237
01:20:04,468 --> 01:20:06,468
- Congratulations, man.
- Thank you.
1238
01:20:06,568 --> 01:20:10,636
I got you something.
100 Years of Solitude.
1239
01:20:10,735 --> 01:20:13,134
- Oh, God.
- Don't read too deeply into the title.
1240
01:20:13,234 --> 01:20:18,067
I'm pretty sure there's only a small chance
that you'll die alone yourself.
1241
01:20:20,201 --> 01:20:24,733
Yeah, well, that's the good thing
about being a writer, right?
1242
01:20:24,833 --> 01:20:27,637
You get to choose your own ending.
1243
01:20:28,433 --> 01:20:30,586
Mallory had finally given
her friend-date a real shot.
1244
01:20:30,685 --> 01:20:34,233
- I'm gonna get us drinks.
- Great.
1245
01:20:34,333 --> 01:20:36,354
You guys are cute.
1246
01:20:37,299 --> 01:20:39,167
- Hello.
- Hello.
1247
01:20:39,267 --> 01:20:41,567
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
1248
01:20:41,666 --> 01:20:44,366
Get out of here, I'm busy.
1249
01:20:45,833 --> 01:20:48,066
Okay, we're good.
1250
01:20:48,166 --> 01:20:50,760
- Samson and Lyle were...
- Gentlemen.
1251
01:20:50,860 --> 01:20:51,898
- Samson and Lyle.
- Congratulations.
1252
01:20:51,998 --> 01:20:54,410
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you for coming.
1253
01:20:54,510 --> 01:20:56,044
And Bryan was elated
to cash his commission.
1254
01:20:56,144 --> 01:20:59,365
Congratulations. Great work,
and not a moment too soon
1255
01:20:59,465 --> 01:21:04,182
because they pushed the start date up
for the action movie two weeks.
1256
01:21:04,282 --> 01:21:05,599
That deserves a drink.
1257
01:21:05,698 --> 01:21:08,650
I watched Terminator again.
1258
01:21:08,750 --> 01:21:10,390
Oh, yeah.
1259
01:21:10,490 --> 01:21:14,364
Yeah, and you're right.
I'm sorry, you're right.
1260
01:21:14,464 --> 01:21:18,398
It's actually a...
weirdly romantic film.
1261
01:21:18,697 --> 01:21:22,040
Cheers. So...
1262
01:21:22,639 --> 01:21:24,225
I wanted to personally come down
1263
01:21:24,325 --> 01:21:28,268
and give you a first class ticket
to six weeks
1264
01:21:28,368 --> 01:21:30,738
of first-class Malaysian pussy.
1265
01:21:31,763 --> 01:21:35,444
You know, sometimes I can get something
stuck in my head a certain way,
1266
01:21:35,544 --> 01:21:37,754
you know, and then...
1267
01:21:37,854 --> 01:21:43,045
I can miss all the other ways
it can be.
1268
01:21:44,696 --> 01:21:46,762
Ditto.
1269
01:21:48,829 --> 01:21:50,897
No, no, no, no.
1270
01:21:50,997 --> 01:21:53,656
Don't open it. I'll get more money.
1271
01:21:54,612 --> 01:21:57,577
Even with my boat pretty full...
1272
01:21:59,296 --> 01:22:01,728
There was still something missing.
1273
01:22:04,429 --> 01:22:06,961
Time to write my own ending.
1274
01:22:08,743 --> 01:22:11,627
I've got a wedding to stop.
1275
01:22:13,094 --> 01:22:17,928
All those 5Ks I ran finally paid off,
seeing as how I have to outrun this cliché.
1276
01:22:22,428 --> 01:22:24,893
Hey! Don't you have a bunch
of heart sculptures somewhere?
1277
01:22:25,393 --> 01:22:29,027
- Oh, yeah, buddy, we have hearts.
- Great. Take me there.
1278
01:22:29,127 --> 01:22:31,227
- Which one?
- All of them.
1279
01:22:31,327 --> 01:22:34,987
- Are you crazy or something?
- Something.
1280
01:23:09,258 --> 01:23:11,486
- Sorry, guys, this cab's taken.
- Yes, we know.
1281
01:23:11,585 --> 01:23:15,092
- Gabriel told us what you are doing.
- We want to see all the hearts, too.
1282
01:23:26,124 --> 01:23:29,458
She's the only thing I think about.
And I can't get her out of my head.
1283
01:23:29,557 --> 01:23:34,142
- Sounds like she doesn't love him.
- That... that's what...
1284
01:23:34,242 --> 01:23:35,489
I like you guys.
1285
01:23:40,089 --> 01:23:41,156
Excuse me,
1286
01:23:41,256 --> 01:23:45,588
did you happen to see a wedding here earlier
with a girl that was like... perfect?
1287
01:23:45,888 --> 01:23:48,323
I'll see what you want me
to see for 50 bucks.
1288
01:23:48,622 --> 01:23:50,556
Okay, let's go, guys!
1289
01:23:52,522 --> 01:23:56,142
Wait, you're gonna bust up
some dude's wedding? Hell, yeah.
1290
01:23:56,242 --> 01:24:00,586
Sometimes when you're chasing love it feels
like the whole world is on your side.
1291
01:24:09,788 --> 01:24:14,322
We are gathered here today
to celebrate a marriage.
1292
01:24:17,087 --> 01:24:19,497
If there's anyone here
who objects to this union
1293
01:24:19,597 --> 01:24:21,903
let them speak now
or forever hold their peace.
1294
01:24:22,003 --> 01:24:24,454
That's the last one
at the end of the pier.
1295
01:24:24,604 --> 01:24:26,554
She's gotta be there.
1296
01:24:47,453 --> 01:24:50,087
Even my imagination
took a kick to the balls.
1297
01:24:57,618 --> 01:25:01,285
- Gabriel, what's that big arrow?
- That's Cupid's Bow.
1298
01:25:01,484 --> 01:25:04,902
- Why didn't we go there?
- You specifically said heart sculptures.
1299
01:25:05,002 --> 01:25:09,219
- That, my friend, is not a heart.
- But those shoot hearts.
1300
01:25:09,818 --> 01:25:11,651
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
1301
01:25:34,050 --> 01:25:35,913
Hi.
1302
01:25:37,916 --> 01:25:39,441
What are you doing here?
1303
01:25:40,389 --> 01:25:43,950
- I came to stop you.
- Oh, then you're a little late.
1304
01:25:44,050 --> 01:25:46,983
Yes, I can see that.
1305
01:25:47,083 --> 01:25:49,717
You know, there's like 100
of these heart statues.
1306
01:25:49,817 --> 01:25:53,782
I wrote a whole speech on the plane.
I was gonna make a big scene.
1307
01:25:54,082 --> 01:25:56,349
Yeah, well, you need
to work on your timing.
1308
01:25:58,116 --> 01:25:59,382
Did you marry him?
1309
01:26:01,515 --> 01:26:03,449
No.
1310
01:26:03,549 --> 01:26:06,149
I was standing there looking at him,
1311
01:26:06,548 --> 01:26:10,048
and it just felt wrong...
for both of us.
1312
01:26:10,447 --> 01:26:12,881
- Maybe that's a sign.
- Stop.
1313
01:26:12,981 --> 01:26:15,948
All right, this is serious.
1314
01:26:16,048 --> 01:26:17,948
You shouldn't even be here.
1315
01:26:18,647 --> 01:26:20,315
Look, I know you're upset with me,
1316
01:26:20,414 --> 01:26:24,965
but I feel like we met each other
at a very strange point in our lives.
1317
01:26:25,065 --> 01:26:29,913
I think you were in the wrong relationship.
I couldn't sustain one if I had to.
1318
01:26:30,013 --> 01:26:33,157
But I feel...
1319
01:26:33,654 --> 01:26:36,277
something strong.
1320
01:26:36,376 --> 01:26:37,883
I feel different.
1321
01:26:39,214 --> 01:26:43,129
And... I think we deserve
to find out what that is.
1322
01:26:44,280 --> 01:26:48,313
We deserve to be as far away
from each other as possible.
1323
01:26:48,613 --> 01:26:50,713
Wait! Why? Why?
1324
01:26:50,813 --> 01:26:52,646
Look at us!
1325
01:26:52,746 --> 01:26:57,180
You lie about saving frogs
and cleaning Third World drinking water!
1326
01:26:57,279 --> 01:26:59,829
And I cheat on boyfriends,
that's who we are.
1327
01:26:59,929 --> 01:27:02,279
We're both disasters,
neither of us deserve love!
1328
01:27:02,379 --> 01:27:05,113
Then we're perfect for each other.
1329
01:27:05,213 --> 01:27:09,878
We're flawed. We're a shit show.
We're two people full of flaws.
1330
01:27:09,978 --> 01:27:13,878
Oh, my God. That's your pitch?
1331
01:27:14,078 --> 01:27:16,811
Damn, dude, that shit ain't workin'.
1332
01:27:16,911 --> 01:27:19,529
Look, love is fucked up,
it's confusing, and it's terrifying,
1333
01:27:19,629 --> 01:27:22,478
and it's... it's painful, it sucks.
1334
01:27:22,628 --> 01:27:25,543
But I'm looking at you right now...
1335
01:27:26,610 --> 01:27:28,510
I want to risk it.
1336
01:27:28,610 --> 01:27:31,244
I know it could be a mistake. I know
we could make each other miserable.
1337
01:27:31,344 --> 01:27:36,212
But if we have even the slightest
chance of being that one time...
1338
01:27:36,911 --> 01:27:40,744
I'm willing to regret you
for the rest of my life.
1339
01:27:42,511 --> 01:27:45,076
God, I hate you.
1340
01:27:47,476 --> 01:27:48,943
I love you, too.
1341
01:27:49,043 --> 01:27:53,409
I really hate you. I hate you.
1342
01:28:15,207 --> 01:28:18,686
Everybody has their own ideas about love.
They have their philosophies,
1343
01:28:18,786 --> 01:28:21,941
and facts and rules of how it works
and what you're supposed to do,
1344
01:28:22,041 --> 01:28:24,860
but none of that shit matters
because love isn't a thinking thing,
1345
01:28:24,960 --> 01:28:26,773
it's a feeling thing
1346
01:28:26,873 --> 01:28:30,057
and this is what it felt like for me.
1347
01:28:35,641 --> 01:28:40,044
Live your own story, and don't worry,
I promise I won't put myself in it.
1348
01:28:40,144 --> 01:28:43,409
Pour some honey on the world
1349
01:28:43,509 --> 01:28:48,766
For sweeter soul before you go
1350
01:28:49,611 --> 01:28:52,999
Paint some color in your heart
1351
01:28:53,099 --> 01:28:57,628
You won't end what you don't stop
1352
01:29:08,597 --> 01:29:12,102
In faith plan this all one night
1353
01:29:12,201 --> 01:29:17,466
I was drunk, you were dressed in white
1354
01:29:18,115 --> 01:29:21,283
And we talk down on the beach
1355
01:29:21,383 --> 01:29:25,817
I slurred my speech, you kiss my cheek
1356
01:29:37,136 --> 01:29:40,524
Hearts and rainbows in the sky
1357
01:29:40,624 --> 01:29:43,013
For you and I
1358
01:29:43,112 --> 01:29:46,174
Oh, my mind
1359
01:29:46,683 --> 01:29:50,041
You know I love to see you smile
1360
01:29:50,140 --> 01:29:52,664
Each and every time
1361
01:29:52,764 --> 01:29:56,588
It blows my mind
1362
01:30:06,161 --> 01:30:09,323
And you know that life goes on
1363
01:30:09,423 --> 01:30:14,865
With the tops and downs
its twists and shouts
1364
01:30:15,703 --> 01:30:18,938
Help me understand the world
1365
01:30:19,038 --> 01:30:24,448
You're the sweeter soul I've ever known
1366
01:30:34,841 --> 01:30:38,077
Now there's color in my heart
1367
01:30:38,177 --> 01:30:42,642
For a brand new start, here we go
1368
01:30:54,072 --> 01:30:57,520
Hearts and rainbows in the sky
1369
01:30:57,620 --> 01:30:59,994
For you and I
1370
01:31:00,093 --> 01:31:03,135
Oh, my mind
1371
01:31:03,769 --> 01:31:07,117
You know I love to see you smile
1372
01:31:07,217 --> 01:31:09,646
Each and every time
1373
01:31:09,746 --> 01:31:12,612
It blows my mind
1374
01:31:13,542 --> 01:31:16,947
Hearts and rainbows in the sky
1375
01:31:17,046 --> 01:31:19,503
For you and I
1376
01:31:19,603 --> 01:31:22,616
Oh, my mind
1377
01:31:23,215 --> 01:31:26,628
You know I love to see you smile, woman
1378
01:31:26,728 --> 01:31:29,069
Each and every time, woman
1379
01:31:29,169 --> 01:31:32,018
It blows my mind