1 00:00:01,099 --> 00:00:09,699 www.ZooCine.CoM watch movies and series! 2 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:12,566 Hi. 3 00:00:12,567 --> 00:00:14,799 I'm noted expert Michael Ian Black, 4 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:19,399 and welcome to my stand-up comedy special, and if I do say so myself, 5 00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:22,732 it does look pretty special. 6 00:00:22,733 --> 00:00:24,299 We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. 7 00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:26,566 I've got some jokes, some stories, 8 00:00:26,567 --> 00:00:28,866 and maybe even a surprise or two, 9 00:00:28,867 --> 00:00:31,599 and of course, we're gonna keep it clean. 10 00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:34,999 Because even though I'm a celebrated actor, writer, 11 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:40,932 and comedian, my most important role is husband and father. 12 00:00:40,933 --> 00:00:42,999 Well, I thought it might be fun to kick things off 13 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:46,766 with a music montage of puppies licking my face. 14 00:00:46,767 --> 00:00:50,432 * My cold heart 15 00:00:50,433 --> 00:00:54,099 * Will listen to what you say 16 00:00:54,100 --> 00:00:58,099 My face, you lick my goddamn face. 17 00:00:58,100 --> 00:00:59,870 The dog was supposed to lick my face. 18 00:01:01,867 --> 00:01:04,332 Get me a goddamn dog that licks my face. 19 00:01:04,333 --> 00:01:06,066 Somebody get this butter off my face. 20 00:01:06,067 --> 00:01:09,532 I have very sensitive skin. Get this butter off my face. 21 00:01:09,533 --> 00:01:15,432 * Heaven depart 22 00:01:15,433 --> 00:01:17,632 Where's that next puppy? You're not a puppy. 23 00:01:17,633 --> 00:01:22,299 Who are you? This is a full-grown dog. 24 00:01:22,300 --> 00:01:24,632 No, I'm not interested in you licking my face. 25 00:01:24,633 --> 00:01:26,632 Don't fucking snort at me. 26 00:01:26,633 --> 00:01:28,866 This dog's practically dead. That's how old it is. 27 00:01:28,867 --> 00:01:32,532 It's practically dead. 28 00:01:32,533 --> 00:01:34,332 Okay, I'm done. I'm done. 29 00:01:34,333 --> 00:01:35,599 Take them, take them. 30 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:37,932 I'm done. Take it, take it. 31 00:01:37,933 --> 00:01:42,366 Somebody get me a lint roller. I feel disgusted. 32 00:01:45,067 --> 00:01:47,166 Welcome Michael Ian Black! 33 00:01:47,167 --> 00:01:55,167 * 34 00:01:58,633 --> 00:02:01,899 Thank you. 35 00:02:01,900 --> 00:02:04,332 Thank you. 36 00:02:04,333 --> 00:02:07,132 Thanks, everybody. 37 00:02:10,767 --> 00:02:15,399 Thank you so much for being a part of this. 38 00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:17,666 It means the world to me. 39 00:02:17,667 --> 00:02:22,066 I'm not feeling as confident as I sometimes 40 00:02:22,067 --> 00:02:23,499 do when I do comedy 41 00:02:23,500 --> 00:02:26,066 because I have not been doing stand-up comedy for, like, 42 00:02:26,067 --> 00:02:28,266 the last year or year and a half 'cause 43 00:02:28,267 --> 00:02:30,899 I've been so busy with my day job, 44 00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:33,532 which is getting television shows canceled. 45 00:02:33,533 --> 00:02:38,866 And you know what, you guys, 46 00:02:38,867 --> 00:02:42,266 and I'm not saying this to brag, it's a job I'm pretty good at. 47 00:02:42,267 --> 00:02:44,499 You know what it is, 48 00:02:44,500 --> 00:02:48,966 sometimes I feel like I'm just a vessel, 49 00:02:48,967 --> 00:02:50,499 you know what I mean, and, 50 00:02:50,500 --> 00:02:54,800 like, God is canceling television shows through me. 51 00:02:55,900 --> 00:02:58,632 Does that makes sense, you guys? 52 00:02:58,633 --> 00:03:01,899 You guys, does that makes sense? 53 00:03:01,900 --> 00:03:04,866 I have been on so many canceled television shows, 54 00:03:04,867 --> 00:03:07,697 many of which I created, which is even worse. 55 00:03:08,967 --> 00:03:12,432 I have been canceled more than flights 56 00:03:12,433 --> 00:03:14,573 out of your local airport. 57 00:03:18,433 --> 00:03:20,432 I have closed more shows 58 00:03:20,433 --> 00:03:23,073 than Walter Kerr... 59 00:03:27,333 --> 00:03:31,366 Who was a theater critic, um, 60 00:03:31,367 --> 00:03:34,932 born in 1913, 61 00:03:34,933 --> 00:03:39,366 wrote for the "New York Herald-Tribune." 62 00:03:39,367 --> 00:03:42,099 Listen to me, you guys. 63 00:03:42,100 --> 00:03:47,499 I am the only nationally touring comedian 64 00:03:47,500 --> 00:03:52,500 making regular references to Walter Kerr in his act. 65 00:03:54,300 --> 00:04:00,270 That is the kind of edgy shit you can expect all night. 66 00:04:05,500 --> 00:04:09,366 Not even the great comedian Louis "Se-Kay" 67 00:04:09,367 --> 00:04:11,366 has the cojones 68 00:04:11,367 --> 00:04:14,466 to get up on a stage and open his act 69 00:04:14,467 --> 00:04:18,532 with a reference to Walter motherfucking Kerr, 70 00:04:18,533 --> 00:04:22,073 and that is why he is successful and I am not. 71 00:04:23,667 --> 00:04:26,532 And if you think that's the last Walter Kerr reference 72 00:04:26,533 --> 00:04:29,273 you're gonna hear tonight, no. 73 00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:33,866 I'm on a new television show 74 00:04:33,867 --> 00:04:37,099 right now called "The Jim Gaffigan Show." 75 00:04:41,833 --> 00:04:44,432 It's a good show. If you haven't seen it, 76 00:04:44,433 --> 00:04:45,766 it's "The Jim Gaffigan Show." 77 00:04:45,767 --> 00:04:47,266 You guys know who he is, right? 78 00:04:47,267 --> 00:04:48,732 He's one of the best comedians in the world, 79 00:04:48,733 --> 00:04:50,532 and it's based on his life, 80 00:04:50,533 --> 00:04:53,066 and he has a complicated life 81 00:04:53,067 --> 00:04:55,666 'cause he's got five kids, and he looks like that, 82 00:04:55,667 --> 00:04:58,732 and I am on the show. 83 00:04:58,733 --> 00:05:01,066 "Which gay character do you play, Michael?" 84 00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:03,067 Listen, you guys. 85 00:05:05,733 --> 00:05:09,499 A lot of people assume that if I'm on a show, 86 00:05:09,500 --> 00:05:11,166 I must play the gay guy 'cause 87 00:05:11,167 --> 00:05:14,266 I fucked Bradley Cooper in a sport shed one time. 88 00:05:18,633 --> 00:05:20,866 But when you make those kind of assumptions, frankly, 89 00:05:20,867 --> 00:05:23,799 it's demeaning to me as an actor 90 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:26,732 because my range is much broader than that. 91 00:05:26,733 --> 00:05:29,499 For example, on "The Jim Gaffigan Show," 92 00:05:29,500 --> 00:05:32,830 I play his wife's best friend... 93 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:38,499 Who is gay, 94 00:05:38,500 --> 00:05:41,066 and the thing is, I'm not gay. 95 00:05:41,067 --> 00:05:42,432 Like, I just kiss men 96 00:05:42,433 --> 00:05:46,399 and pretend to have sex with men for money, 97 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:49,766 but that's not why I'm right for the part. 98 00:05:49,767 --> 00:05:52,866 I'm right for the part because my character 99 00:05:52,867 --> 00:05:55,066 on "The Jim Gaffigan Show" hates kids, 100 00:05:55,067 --> 00:05:56,299 and I have kids, 101 00:05:56,300 --> 00:06:00,066 so I know what it's like to hate kids. 102 00:06:00,067 --> 00:06:02,367 I have two kids, and they're whatever. 103 00:06:04,933 --> 00:06:08,232 Really, you know, I have one of each. 104 00:06:08,233 --> 00:06:11,273 I mean, they're both white. I mean, I have a boy and a girl. 105 00:06:13,833 --> 00:06:15,399 It's very interesting 106 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:18,432 when you have one of each because what you learn 107 00:06:18,433 --> 00:06:22,966 is that sexism in the culture starts immediately. 108 00:06:22,967 --> 00:06:24,966 Like, as soon as they're born, 109 00:06:24,967 --> 00:06:27,832 they are subjected to sexism. 110 00:06:27,833 --> 00:06:29,366 So, like, when my son was born, 111 00:06:29,367 --> 00:06:31,432 'cause he was first, people would come to the house, 112 00:06:31,433 --> 00:06:34,166 and they would meet him when he was a toddler or whatever, 113 00:06:34,167 --> 00:06:35,899 and they'd be like, "There's your son. 114 00:06:35,900 --> 00:06:37,766 What a stout young lad he is." 115 00:06:37,767 --> 00:06:39,332 You know, I mean, nobody ever said, 116 00:06:39,333 --> 00:06:41,232 "What a stout young lad he is," but you know what I mean. 117 00:06:41,233 --> 00:06:43,199 They'd ruffle his hair a little bit, you know, 118 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:45,370 punch him in the face, and it was great. 119 00:06:47,100 --> 00:06:48,799 But then they would meet my daughter, 120 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:50,399 and it was totally different. 121 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:51,932 You know, they'd come over, and they'd be like, 122 00:06:51,933 --> 00:06:52,932 "There's your little princess. 123 00:06:52,933 --> 00:06:54,466 What a little angel she is." 124 00:06:54,467 --> 00:06:57,532 And then they would always say this one weird phrase 125 00:06:57,533 --> 00:06:58,966 which you will recognize. 126 00:06:58,967 --> 00:07:02,166 Inevitably, somebody would turn to my daughter 127 00:07:02,167 --> 00:07:07,467 and say, "She's gonna be trouble. 128 00:07:08,900 --> 00:07:10,732 "No, I can tell just by looking at her. 129 00:07:10,733 --> 00:07:13,303 She is gonna be trouble." 130 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:18,399 And that is a really weird fucking thing 131 00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:21,299 to say to a toddler 132 00:07:21,300 --> 00:07:23,932 because, like, in their heads, 133 00:07:23,933 --> 00:07:27,066 I guess they mean it as a compliment, 134 00:07:27,067 --> 00:07:29,832 but what I'm hearing is, " 135 00:07:29,833 --> 00:07:32,903 "she's gonna suck a lot of dicks. 136 00:07:35,100 --> 00:07:37,232 "No, I can tell just by looking at her. 137 00:07:37,233 --> 00:07:41,166 She's gonna be a giant fucking whore." 138 00:07:41,167 --> 00:07:42,966 'Cause what else could that mean? 139 00:07:42,967 --> 00:07:46,232 What other kind of trouble could they be talking about 140 00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:49,899 that she's gonna get into that my son isn't? 141 00:07:49,900 --> 00:07:52,199 Do they mean, like, academic trouble? 142 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:53,432 Is that what they mean? 143 00:07:53,433 --> 00:07:57,599 Like, "She's gonna commit plagiarism. 144 00:07:57,600 --> 00:07:59,532 "No, I can tell just by looking at her. 145 00:07:59,533 --> 00:08:04,799 "She is gonna claim another student's research as her own." 146 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:06,799 Do they mean, like, the Troubles, 147 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,066 like, in Northern Ireland? 148 00:08:09,067 --> 00:08:12,199 Like, "She's gonna join the IRA." 149 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,799 "And they'd be lucky to have her. 150 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:15,500 They'd be fucking lucky to have her." 151 00:08:17,633 --> 00:08:20,266 No, they mean sexual trouble. 152 00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:21,899 To my toddler, 153 00:08:21,900 --> 00:08:24,699 they're projecting their own weird sexual shit 154 00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:26,132 onto my little girl, 155 00:08:26,133 --> 00:08:28,766 and it's so offensive, and it's sexist. 156 00:08:28,767 --> 00:08:30,299 I mean, I have a son. 157 00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:32,132 He's not gonna suck a lot of dicks? 158 00:08:32,133 --> 00:08:34,566 Fuck you. 159 00:08:36,133 --> 00:08:41,099 Any son of mine is gonna suck a lot of dicks. 160 00:08:41,100 --> 00:08:42,699 It's how we raise our kids, you guys. 161 00:08:42,700 --> 00:08:45,132 I feel very strongly about that. 162 00:08:45,133 --> 00:08:47,632 Say what you want about me, I'm not a sexist. 163 00:08:47,633 --> 00:08:50,066 I'm a feminist. I am a proud feminist. 164 00:08:50,067 --> 00:08:51,866 It's why I let my wife work. 165 00:08:51,867 --> 00:08:54,166 I think it's important. 166 00:08:54,167 --> 00:08:55,732 No, what I'm saying, I have my job. 167 00:08:55,733 --> 00:08:57,066 She's got her little job. 168 00:08:57,067 --> 00:08:59,799 Like, we both... Well, you guys, no. 169 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:01,966 What I'm saying is, like, I'm a comedian. 170 00:09:01,967 --> 00:09:06,599 She is an orthopedic surgeon, 171 00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:09,600 and it's adorable. 172 00:09:12,833 --> 00:09:14,932 That's a joke. 173 00:09:14,933 --> 00:09:17,033 I do not let my wife work. 174 00:09:21,867 --> 00:09:23,732 So, yeah, I'm married, 175 00:09:23,733 --> 00:09:28,766 married now for 17 years, everybody. 176 00:09:31,833 --> 00:09:33,833 Thank you. 177 00:09:34,833 --> 00:09:36,273 Three different women. 178 00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:40,732 Just the one, 179 00:09:40,733 --> 00:09:43,603 just the same goddamn one. 180 00:09:45,733 --> 00:09:47,432 How do you do it, Michael? 181 00:09:47,433 --> 00:09:48,899 How do you do it? 182 00:09:48,900 --> 00:09:53,332 How do you manage to keep your marriage so strong 183 00:09:53,333 --> 00:09:56,799 in spite of all your personal and professional failings? 184 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,866 It's a great question. 185 00:09:58,867 --> 00:10:00,132 Here's what I've learned 186 00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:03,866 about keeping a relationship going. 187 00:10:03,867 --> 00:10:05,866 In my case, like, I had to learn 188 00:10:05,867 --> 00:10:09,132 how to speak my wife's language 189 00:10:09,133 --> 00:10:14,932 because she only speaks in Zen riddles, 190 00:10:14,933 --> 00:10:16,799 like the riddles that Zen masters 191 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:19,599 give to their disciples. 192 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:21,066 That's how my wife speaks to me. 193 00:10:21,067 --> 00:10:22,632 You know, like, what is the sound of one hand clapping? 194 00:10:22,633 --> 00:10:24,532 That's, like, a good example of, like, a Zen riddle. 195 00:10:24,533 --> 00:10:26,599 I don't know. I don't know what the answer to that is, 196 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:28,966 and I don't want to think about it. 197 00:10:28,967 --> 00:10:30,699 Here's an example of a Zen riddle 198 00:10:30,700 --> 00:10:32,799 that my wife gave to me. 199 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,199 We're eating dinner. 200 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,766 We finish dinner, push back from the table. 201 00:10:36,767 --> 00:10:38,699 My wife turns to me and says, 202 00:10:38,700 --> 00:10:41,370 "Why did you let me eat so much?" 203 00:10:45,733 --> 00:10:47,199 And when she said that, 204 00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:51,366 I knew there was no good answer to that question, 205 00:10:51,367 --> 00:10:53,632 because what would she have me do? 206 00:10:53,633 --> 00:10:54,866 Like, as she's taking 207 00:10:54,867 --> 00:10:57,566 another forkful of masked potatoes 208 00:10:57,567 --> 00:11:01,799 towards her big, fucking gaping maw, 209 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:03,899 am I supposed to, like, reach my hand out 210 00:11:03,900 --> 00:11:06,466 and put it on her wrist and be like, 211 00:11:06,467 --> 00:11:08,467 "Sweetheart... 212 00:11:11,533 --> 00:11:14,499 I think you've had enough." 213 00:11:14,500 --> 00:11:17,566 I don't feel like that was the correct answer 214 00:11:17,567 --> 00:11:18,899 to that particular Zen riddle, 215 00:11:18,900 --> 00:11:21,332 but because I speak her language, she goes, 216 00:11:21,333 --> 00:11:23,066 "Why did you let me each so much?" 217 00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:26,099 I said, "You're so young and skinny." 218 00:11:29,867 --> 00:11:33,132 And that is why I am still married, you guys. 219 00:11:33,133 --> 00:11:35,899 We have... you know, it's a good marriage. 220 00:11:35,900 --> 00:11:37,599 Is it perfect? No. 221 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:40,066 You know, I don't believe in perfect marriages. 222 00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:41,166 I don't think they exist. 223 00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:42,799 You know, you get these couples 224 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:44,899 who are like, "We never even fight." 225 00:11:44,900 --> 00:11:47,699 I'm like, "Well, then what do you do?" 226 00:11:47,700 --> 00:11:50,232 Like, 'cause I mean, what are you gonna do, talk? 227 00:11:50,233 --> 00:11:52,699 You've talked about everything already. 228 00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:54,766 What are we gonna talk about, your hopes and dreams? 229 00:11:54,767 --> 00:11:56,466 Jesus. 230 00:11:56,467 --> 00:11:59,632 We've talked about that shit 5,000 times, 231 00:11:59,633 --> 00:12:03,166 but there's always something to fight about, right? 232 00:12:03,167 --> 00:12:05,632 You want pancakes? Fuck you, I want French toast. 233 00:12:05,633 --> 00:12:07,103 That's marriage. 234 00:12:12,233 --> 00:12:14,066 And fighting sucks, right? 235 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:18,832 It sucks, but after the fight, you know what happens. 236 00:12:18,833 --> 00:12:20,432 Right? 237 00:12:20,433 --> 00:12:23,832 Muttering to yourself while doing household chores. 238 00:12:23,833 --> 00:12:25,433 Right? 239 00:12:28,433 --> 00:12:31,366 But after that, 240 00:12:31,367 --> 00:12:34,932 silent treatment, right? 241 00:12:34,933 --> 00:12:38,932 But after that, 242 00:12:38,933 --> 00:12:41,566 couples counseling, 243 00:12:41,567 --> 00:12:44,427 a lot of intense couples counseling, you guys. 244 00:12:45,667 --> 00:12:49,027 So it's good, you know. It's a good marriage. 245 00:12:51,067 --> 00:12:53,732 Have I ever thought about divorce? 246 00:12:53,733 --> 00:12:55,332 Yeah. 247 00:12:55,333 --> 00:12:57,132 Not a lot, you know what I mean? 248 00:12:57,133 --> 00:13:00,099 Maybe nine times a day, you know what I mean? 249 00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:02,066 That is the dirty secret about marriage. 250 00:13:02,067 --> 00:13:05,566 When you're married, divorce, it's just always in your head. 251 00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:07,299 You know what I mean? It's just kind of floating up there. 252 00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:08,932 Like, when you're Jewish, the word "Nazi" 253 00:13:08,933 --> 00:13:10,932 is always just floating in your head. 254 00:13:10,933 --> 00:13:12,699 It just is, you know what I mean? 255 00:13:12,700 --> 00:13:16,232 Like, when you're married, like, you've always got... you know, 256 00:13:16,233 --> 00:13:18,066 you've got one arm around your spouse 257 00:13:18,067 --> 00:13:20,166 and one hand on the eject button. 258 00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:21,832 It's just always there, 259 00:13:21,833 --> 00:13:24,932 just sort of lightly caressing the eject... you just want to... 260 00:13:24,933 --> 00:13:27,132 You know, I treat the divorce button 261 00:13:27,133 --> 00:13:29,733 the way I treat a clitoris. 262 00:13:30,933 --> 00:13:33,132 I like to know it's there, 263 00:13:33,133 --> 00:13:35,332 but I am not gonna push that button, 264 00:13:35,333 --> 00:13:36,932 even though I know doing so 265 00:13:36,933 --> 00:13:41,766 would give her tremendous pleasure, 266 00:13:41,767 --> 00:13:46,166 and I know that we, 267 00:13:46,167 --> 00:13:47,599 as a couple, we're gonna make it. 268 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:49,232 Like, I know that already. You know how I know, 269 00:13:49,233 --> 00:13:52,632 because we survived building a house together. 270 00:13:52,633 --> 00:13:54,566 We built a house toge... I mean, we didn't build it. 271 00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:57,767 We hired ethnics to build it. You know what I mean. 272 00:14:03,933 --> 00:14:06,232 When you build a house, 273 00:14:06,233 --> 00:14:09,232 there are so many decisions to make, right, 274 00:14:09,233 --> 00:14:12,132 and every one of those decisions 275 00:14:12,133 --> 00:14:15,499 is another opportunity for you to question 276 00:14:15,500 --> 00:14:19,732 why you married this fucking idiot sitting next to you, 277 00:14:19,733 --> 00:14:23,699 who for some reason feels like nickel-plated doorknobs 278 00:14:23,700 --> 00:14:26,132 are the better choice for the downstairs powder room 279 00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:29,232 than oil-rubbed bronze doorknobs, 280 00:14:29,233 --> 00:14:31,966 and incidentally, as an aside, 281 00:14:31,967 --> 00:14:33,599 when we were designing this house, 282 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:36,832 and I was curating images for my vision board, 283 00:14:36,833 --> 00:14:42,166 I would be looking online at pictures of houses, 284 00:14:42,167 --> 00:14:44,566 and these collections of houses would be labeled online 285 00:14:44,567 --> 00:14:46,066 as house porn, 286 00:14:46,067 --> 00:14:47,666 and that really rubbed me the wrong way 287 00:14:47,667 --> 00:14:49,666 because I'm just trying to, you know, 288 00:14:49,667 --> 00:14:51,232 quietly enjoy something, 289 00:14:51,233 --> 00:14:53,232 and I started noticing they were doing it for everything, 290 00:14:53,233 --> 00:14:55,232 you know, just noun, porn, 291 00:14:55,233 --> 00:14:56,332 all these thing that I liked. 292 00:14:56,333 --> 00:14:58,066 Like, house porn and food porn 293 00:14:58,067 --> 00:15:01,099 and, you know, amateur sex porn, and it was... 294 00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:02,499 No, it's so offensive to me 295 00:15:02,500 --> 00:15:04,132 because it, like, brings up this whole idea of, 296 00:15:04,133 --> 00:15:05,199 like, guilty pleasures. 297 00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:06,666 Like, we should feel bad 298 00:15:06,667 --> 00:15:08,199 for the shit that we like, you know what I mean? 299 00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:09,266 There's no such thing as a guilty... 300 00:15:09,267 --> 00:15:11,199 There's one guilty pleasure, 301 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:13,330 and that's murder. 302 00:15:20,067 --> 00:15:22,732 Murder. 303 00:15:22,733 --> 00:15:26,299 It's the guiltiest pleasure of all. 304 00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:28,199 There's no such thing as a guilty pleasure. 305 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:29,632 That's such a horseshit idea. 306 00:15:29,633 --> 00:15:31,199 If you like something, just like it. 307 00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:32,632 You don't have to feel bad. 308 00:15:32,633 --> 00:15:34,066 Like, there's these people who are like, 309 00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:35,232 "I watch 'The Bachelor.' 310 00:15:35,233 --> 00:15:37,266 It's my guilty pleasure." 311 00:15:37,267 --> 00:15:38,732 No, it's your pleasure. 312 00:15:38,733 --> 00:15:41,266 Just enjoy it, even though it's a shit show, 313 00:15:41,267 --> 00:15:44,267 and you're a shit person for watching it. 314 00:15:46,100 --> 00:15:48,132 Nobody's judging you. 315 00:15:48,133 --> 00:15:49,132 You know what I mean? 316 00:15:49,133 --> 00:15:50,399 Just enjoy it, 317 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,699 even though it's total garbage, 318 00:15:52,700 --> 00:15:55,132 and when you watch it, you're what's wrong with America. 319 00:15:55,133 --> 00:15:57,966 Just enjoy it. 320 00:15:57,967 --> 00:15:59,266 I don't have guilty pleasures. 321 00:15:59,267 --> 00:16:00,666 Like, there's just things I like. 322 00:16:00,667 --> 00:16:02,799 You know, from the outside, if you knew me... 323 00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:04,266 Okay, so my one guilty pleasure 324 00:16:04,267 --> 00:16:07,099 would be... my favorite song in the world 325 00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:08,932 is "MMMBop" by Hanson. 326 00:16:08,933 --> 00:16:10,832 Right? 327 00:16:10,833 --> 00:16:12,499 That's just a great song, 328 00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:14,166 my favorite song in the world. I don't feel bad about it. 329 00:16:14,167 --> 00:16:16,432 The day I apologize for loving "MMMBop" 330 00:16:16,433 --> 00:16:19,399 is the day I apologize for having a goddamn soul, you guys. 331 00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,666 It's the day I apologize for the fact 332 00:16:21,667 --> 00:16:24,232 that I used to masturbate to the video 333 00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:25,666 they made for that song 334 00:16:25,667 --> 00:16:28,099 because I thought the lead singer 335 00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:30,599 was an attractive young woman 336 00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:33,866 and not a 13-year-old Mormon boy, 337 00:16:33,867 --> 00:16:37,132 and it's also the day I apologize for the fact 338 00:16:37,133 --> 00:16:38,566 that every once in awhile, 339 00:16:38,567 --> 00:16:41,297 I still masturbate to that video. 340 00:16:44,367 --> 00:16:47,966 He masturbates to the boy singing "MMMBop." 341 00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:54,567 He's a jokey pedophile; he's a jokey pedophile. 342 00:16:58,233 --> 00:16:59,699 So we built this house, 343 00:16:59,700 --> 00:17:02,932 and it's not, like, a huge house. 344 00:17:02,933 --> 00:17:04,799 It's not a fancy... I mean, 345 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:06,366 you know, it's fancy compared to what you poors are used to, 346 00:17:06,367 --> 00:17:09,366 but, you know, it's just a house. 347 00:17:09,367 --> 00:17:11,899 You know what I mean? And we built this house, 348 00:17:11,900 --> 00:17:14,166 and it's interesting when you build a house. 349 00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:16,066 You realize how primal that is, 350 00:17:16,067 --> 00:17:17,266 because a house, 351 00:17:17,267 --> 00:17:18,799 when you build it, is kind of, 352 00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,266 like... it's a dream that you had. 353 00:17:21,267 --> 00:17:22,799 Because when you build a house, 354 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:25,566 it's, like, you imagine everything about that house. 355 00:17:25,567 --> 00:17:27,466 You could envision the life 356 00:17:27,467 --> 00:17:28,866 that will be lived in that house. 357 00:17:28,867 --> 00:17:32,232 This house is where my family will live 358 00:17:32,233 --> 00:17:35,332 and where we will quietly seethe 359 00:17:35,333 --> 00:17:37,332 with resentment towards each other, 360 00:17:37,333 --> 00:17:41,266 and this house is where my kids 361 00:17:41,267 --> 00:17:43,232 will flee as soon 362 00:17:43,233 --> 00:17:44,866 as they graduate high school 363 00:17:44,867 --> 00:17:48,632 and to which they will return grudgingly on Christmas breaks, 364 00:17:48,633 --> 00:17:52,199 perhaps with their boyfriends or girlfriends, 365 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:55,132 to whom I will make inappropriate remarks, 366 00:17:55,133 --> 00:17:56,832 and then maybe they will come 367 00:17:56,833 --> 00:17:58,832 with children of their own one day, 368 00:17:58,833 --> 00:18:02,299 to whom I will make inappropriate remarks. 369 00:18:02,300 --> 00:18:05,499 This is the home where my wife 370 00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:09,532 and I will grow old together 371 00:18:09,533 --> 00:18:13,199 and one day be physically abused 372 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:19,266 by home health care workers who... 373 00:18:19,267 --> 00:18:21,332 who will beat us when we shit ourselves. 374 00:18:21,333 --> 00:18:24,599 And it's funny 375 00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:27,699 when you have a house like this 376 00:18:27,700 --> 00:18:31,899 because you know that your kids really will leave. 377 00:18:31,900 --> 00:18:34,599 This is the house they will leave from, and, 378 00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:36,232 you know, when you have kids... Who has kids here? 379 00:18:36,233 --> 00:18:37,432 Anybody? 380 00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:39,866 No... 381 00:18:39,867 --> 00:18:41,127 nobody here has kids. 382 00:18:44,533 --> 00:18:48,066 When you have kids... and you will one day, some of you. 383 00:18:48,067 --> 00:18:50,266 When you have kids... Do you not want kids? 384 00:18:50,267 --> 00:18:51,432 Is that the problem? 385 00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:55,232 Most of you don't want kids. 386 00:18:55,233 --> 00:18:57,066 How many people want kids? 387 00:18:59,433 --> 00:19:02,099 All right, so, like, 50-50. 388 00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:04,732 The people who want kids 389 00:19:04,733 --> 00:19:06,732 should rearrange yourselves, 390 00:19:06,733 --> 00:19:10,199 so you're next to other people who want kids, 391 00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:13,100 and that will increase your chances of having kids. 392 00:19:14,700 --> 00:19:17,532 Well, when you have kids, as I do, like, 393 00:19:17,533 --> 00:19:19,366 no matter how old they get, like, you know, still, 394 00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:21,732 some part of you sees them as babies. 395 00:19:21,733 --> 00:19:23,332 Like, that just never goes away, 396 00:19:23,333 --> 00:19:26,466 and that was a special time for me 397 00:19:26,467 --> 00:19:28,499 because my babies were such assholes, 398 00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:30,166 you guys, both of them, 399 00:19:30,167 --> 00:19:33,399 because they both had colic, and I assume you don't know 400 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:35,432 what that is because you don't have children, 401 00:19:35,433 --> 00:19:36,866 so I will tell you. 402 00:19:36,867 --> 00:19:41,066 Colic, it's a catchall medical term, 403 00:19:41,067 --> 00:19:44,932 and all it means is, they cry all the time. 404 00:19:44,933 --> 00:19:47,432 That's what it means, and so you go to the doctor, 405 00:19:47,433 --> 00:19:50,899 and you go, "Doctor, my baby is crying all the time." 406 00:19:50,900 --> 00:19:52,866 And the doctor will say, "Yes, yes, yes, 407 00:19:52,867 --> 00:19:53,866 that's colic." 408 00:19:53,867 --> 00:19:55,232 And you go, "What is that?" 409 00:19:55,233 --> 00:19:57,332 And they go, "We don't know 410 00:19:57,333 --> 00:20:01,266 "but please remove your baby from the office 411 00:20:01,267 --> 00:20:03,666 because it is so fucking annoying," 412 00:20:03,667 --> 00:20:04,699 and it is. 413 00:20:04,700 --> 00:20:06,799 It's the most annoying sound 414 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:08,599 in the world, right, that baby cry, 415 00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:10,532 that horrible, piercing, 416 00:20:10,533 --> 00:20:14,066 nerve-jangling, adenoidal baby cry, 417 00:20:14,067 --> 00:20:15,132 just this. 418 00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:19,732 For months, that shit. 419 00:20:20,667 --> 00:20:22,932 The head is, like, lolling. 420 00:20:24,367 --> 00:20:26,132 Limbs are flailing. 421 00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:29,132 So blessed, you guys. 422 00:20:29,133 --> 00:20:30,266 So blessed. 423 00:20:31,267 --> 00:20:33,099 It will drive you fucking crazy. 424 00:20:33,100 --> 00:20:34,799 I couldn't handle it. 425 00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:37,499 I could've handled it if he just cried like an adult. 426 00:20:37,500 --> 00:20:38,499 You know what I mean? 427 00:20:38,500 --> 00:20:40,432 If he'd just been like, 428 00:20:40,433 --> 00:20:42,033 "Fuck. 429 00:20:48,333 --> 00:20:49,332 "God damn it. 430 00:20:49,333 --> 00:20:50,566 "God. 431 00:20:50,567 --> 00:20:52,332 "I'm sorry, bro. I'm sorry. 432 00:20:52,333 --> 00:20:53,599 "Dude, I'm sorry. 433 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:56,199 "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, bro. 434 00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,166 I'm fucking sorry, bro." 435 00:20:58,167 --> 00:20:59,599 That I could've handled. 436 00:21:00,733 --> 00:21:02,066 You know what he sounded like? 437 00:21:02,067 --> 00:21:03,332 He sounded like Danny DeVito 438 00:21:03,333 --> 00:21:04,799 as the Penguin in the Batman movies. 439 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:06,970 That's what he sounded like. 440 00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:09,899 Try living with that shit. 441 00:21:09,900 --> 00:21:12,566 You will go out of your fucking mind. 442 00:21:12,567 --> 00:21:13,566 I'll never forget. 443 00:21:13,567 --> 00:21:18,199 I had this incredible moment 444 00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:19,632 with my son one night 445 00:21:19,633 --> 00:21:22,366 when he was, like, four months old, 446 00:21:22,367 --> 00:21:24,099 and I was holding him, you know, 447 00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:28,332 and he was crying, you know, 'cause that's all he did. 448 00:21:28,333 --> 00:21:30,399 It's the middle of the night, you know, 449 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:33,066 and we're the only ones awake 450 00:21:33,067 --> 00:21:35,466 in the world, 451 00:21:35,467 --> 00:21:39,332 and he's looking up at me, you know, and he's going... 452 00:21:41,233 --> 00:21:42,532 You know. 453 00:21:42,533 --> 00:21:45,766 I'm looking down at his stupid, little, 454 00:21:45,767 --> 00:21:47,132 purple face, 455 00:21:47,133 --> 00:21:52,766 and I remember thinking to myself, "You know what, 456 00:21:52,767 --> 00:21:55,127 I'd really like to shake this baby." 457 00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:03,466 And I knew I wasn't supposed 458 00:22:03,467 --> 00:22:05,799 to shake the baby because my wife 459 00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:07,266 and I had been to parenting class, 460 00:22:07,267 --> 00:22:09,466 and in parenting class, they tell you right off the bat. 461 00:22:09,467 --> 00:22:11,932 "Don't shake the baby." You go every week, 462 00:22:11,933 --> 00:22:13,699 and every week they tell you the same thing. 463 00:22:13,700 --> 00:22:15,066 "Don't shake the baby." 464 00:22:15,067 --> 00:22:16,899 You have to watch a movie about it. 465 00:22:16,900 --> 00:22:19,566 The movie's called "Don't Shake the Baby." 466 00:22:19,567 --> 00:22:21,532 There's a lady in the movie who's like, 467 00:22:21,533 --> 00:22:23,733 "Guess what, I shook my baby. 468 00:22:27,467 --> 00:22:28,499 Its head fell off." 469 00:22:28,500 --> 00:22:31,832 So after weeks and weeks 470 00:22:31,833 --> 00:22:33,266 and weeks of this, you're like, "I get it. 471 00:22:33,267 --> 00:22:35,566 Like, who the fuck is gonna shake their baby?" 472 00:22:35,567 --> 00:22:38,632 As it turns out, me. I'm gonna shake my baby. 473 00:22:38,633 --> 00:22:41,266 Not enough to do any permanent damage, 474 00:22:41,267 --> 00:22:44,667 you know what I mean, just a quick buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. 475 00:22:47,267 --> 00:22:51,532 Right? Just enough to startle him into silence, 476 00:22:51,533 --> 00:22:53,532 just enough so he'll be like, 477 00:22:53,533 --> 00:22:55,333 "Shit. 478 00:23:02,067 --> 00:23:06,599 "I was acting like an asshole just then, wasn't I?" 479 00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:11,532 You guys, I did not shake the baby, okay? 480 00:23:11,533 --> 00:23:13,003 Thank you. 481 00:23:18,433 --> 00:23:22,399 I threw the baby, and here's how that happened. 482 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:23,732 I'm holding him right, 483 00:23:23,733 --> 00:23:25,466 and, you know, he's crying. 484 00:23:25,467 --> 00:23:27,266 He's going... You know, and I'm thinking, 485 00:23:27,267 --> 00:23:29,066 "My God, I know what they said in class, 486 00:23:29,067 --> 00:23:30,832 "but I really feel like this baby 487 00:23:30,833 --> 00:23:33,232 needs a good, old-fashioned shaking." 488 00:23:33,233 --> 00:23:35,166 And then the rational part of my brain, 489 00:23:35,167 --> 00:23:36,632 what's left of it, is going, "No, no, no. 490 00:23:36,633 --> 00:23:38,199 "You can't shake the baby 'cause 491 00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:39,532 its head'll fall off, and your wife will get mad." 492 00:23:39,533 --> 00:23:41,066 I'm like, "I know, 493 00:23:41,067 --> 00:23:42,899 but I'm so frustrated. I got to do something." 494 00:23:42,900 --> 00:23:45,266 And the baby's going, "I'll get you, Batman." 495 00:23:45,267 --> 00:23:47,299 And I'm just like, "Jesus." 496 00:23:47,300 --> 00:23:50,100 And then before I know it, I just kind of go like this. 497 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:55,666 You guys, the couch was right here, okay? 498 00:23:55,667 --> 00:23:59,097 He landed on the couch. He was fine. 499 00:24:01,267 --> 00:24:04,632 But afterwards, 500 00:24:04,633 --> 00:24:06,099 it was definitely a moment 501 00:24:06,100 --> 00:24:11,199 where I'm thinking to myself, 502 00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:12,970 "Did I just throw a baby?" 503 00:24:14,300 --> 00:24:15,866 And I look over to the couch, 504 00:24:15,867 --> 00:24:18,599 and there is a baby on the couch, 505 00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:21,332 and I am, like, 90% sure 506 00:24:21,333 --> 00:24:24,973 it's the same baby I was just holding. 507 00:24:25,767 --> 00:24:27,466 Listen to me, you guys. 508 00:24:27,467 --> 00:24:31,466 I know you people from Brooklyn, you're never gonna have kids. 509 00:24:31,467 --> 00:24:33,067 I get it. 510 00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:39,332 But those of you who are gonna have kids, 511 00:24:39,333 --> 00:24:40,732 take my advice, right? 512 00:24:40,733 --> 00:24:43,299 Never, never, never shake your baby, right, 513 00:24:43,300 --> 00:24:47,599 and never, never, never throw your baby, 514 00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:49,566 but I will say this. 515 00:24:49,567 --> 00:24:52,499 After I threw that baby, 516 00:24:52,500 --> 00:24:54,270 that baby shut the fuck up. 517 00:24:57,667 --> 00:24:59,467 Just saying. 518 00:25:02,767 --> 00:25:05,027 You draw your own conclusions, guys. 519 00:25:09,067 --> 00:25:14,332 My son... that's the one I threw... 520 00:25:14,333 --> 00:25:17,499 He got his revenge on me a few years later. 521 00:25:17,500 --> 00:25:19,866 He was, like, seven or eight years old. You know what I mean? 522 00:25:19,867 --> 00:25:21,599 He was, like... he was seven or eight years old. 523 00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:23,132 You know what I mean? 524 00:25:23,133 --> 00:25:25,566 "Do you mean, like, he was seven or eight years old?" 525 00:25:25,567 --> 00:25:27,332 That is what I mean. 526 00:25:27,333 --> 00:25:30,666 He was, like, seven, eight years old, 527 00:25:30,667 --> 00:25:32,266 summer vacation, 528 00:25:32,267 --> 00:25:35,332 and he decrees one day 529 00:25:35,333 --> 00:25:38,599 that he will be going to the local amusement park 530 00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:42,066 and decrees further that he no longer rides the baby rides... 531 00:25:42,067 --> 00:25:43,432 He only rides the big rides... 532 00:25:43,433 --> 00:25:46,299 And further decrees that I will be the one 533 00:25:46,300 --> 00:25:49,532 to shepherd him to the local amusement park. 534 00:25:49,533 --> 00:25:50,899 And I say, "Okay, young squire. 535 00:25:50,900 --> 00:25:52,766 "That sounds like a reasonable idea. 536 00:25:52,767 --> 00:25:54,366 "I will shepherd you 537 00:25:54,367 --> 00:25:56,066 "to the local amusement park, and we'll have, like, 538 00:25:56,067 --> 00:25:57,666 a father-son thing, and it'll be great." 539 00:25:57,667 --> 00:25:59,632 So we go to the amusement park. 540 00:25:59,633 --> 00:26:01,132 I take him to the Tilt-a-Whirl, 541 00:26:01,133 --> 00:26:03,632 the gentlest of the big rides. 542 00:26:03,633 --> 00:26:05,932 The Tilt-a-Whirl so named 543 00:26:05,933 --> 00:26:09,832 because the tilt portion of the attraction 544 00:26:09,833 --> 00:26:12,832 is because everything is on a little bit of an angle, 545 00:26:12,833 --> 00:26:14,266 and so when you first get onto the Tilt-a-Whirl, 546 00:26:14,267 --> 00:26:16,166 and you pull this safety bar down, 547 00:26:16,167 --> 00:26:18,866 the car kind of goes like this a little bit, 548 00:26:18,867 --> 00:26:20,899 and when that happened, I had a realization, 549 00:26:20,900 --> 00:26:22,466 and the realization was this. 550 00:26:22,467 --> 00:26:27,799 "Aha, I've just made a mistake 551 00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:32,066 "because I already feel nauseous, 552 00:26:32,067 --> 00:26:35,166 and the ride has not yet begun," 553 00:26:35,167 --> 00:26:39,199 and then the whirl portion of the attraction begins, 554 00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,832 and I have a further realization, which is, 555 00:26:41,833 --> 00:26:44,299 "I may not survive this." 556 00:26:44,300 --> 00:26:47,766 You guys, there is so much tilting, 557 00:26:47,767 --> 00:26:50,299 so very much whirling, 558 00:26:50,300 --> 00:26:52,432 and then my son finds the platter 559 00:26:52,433 --> 00:26:55,366 in the middle of the car that you do this to, 560 00:26:55,367 --> 00:26:59,566 adding spinning to the tilting and the whirling, 561 00:26:59,567 --> 00:27:01,432 and it's atrocious. 562 00:27:01,433 --> 00:27:03,332 It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me, 563 00:27:03,333 --> 00:27:06,766 and there's nothing I can do to stop it. 564 00:27:06,767 --> 00:27:09,699 All I can do is hang onto the safety bar 565 00:27:09,700 --> 00:27:13,599 and pretend that I am in a photograph from the 1800s 566 00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:17,932 and that if I move, it will ruin the exposure, 567 00:27:17,933 --> 00:27:19,932 so for the duration of the ride, 568 00:27:19,933 --> 00:27:22,073 I'm sitting there like this. 569 00:27:29,067 --> 00:27:32,399 The ride lasts for 45 minutes. 570 00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:34,899 When it is over, I pull the safety bar up, 571 00:27:34,900 --> 00:27:37,832 I turn to my son, and I say, "Are you okay?" 572 00:27:37,833 --> 00:27:39,866 And he says, "Can we go on it again?" 573 00:27:39,867 --> 00:27:41,567 And I say, "Fuck you." 574 00:27:42,567 --> 00:27:44,232 I did not say "fuck you." 575 00:27:44,233 --> 00:27:45,966 I was thinking it. I did not say it. 576 00:27:45,967 --> 00:27:47,766 Do you know what I said? 577 00:27:47,767 --> 00:27:51,699 I said, "Yes, we can." Why? 578 00:27:51,700 --> 00:27:57,066 Because a father cannot show weakness in front of his son. 579 00:27:57,067 --> 00:27:59,399 Why? Because the second he does, 580 00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:02,700 the son kills the father and fucks the wife. 581 00:28:06,533 --> 00:28:07,932 That's Oedipus, you guys. 582 00:28:07,933 --> 00:28:10,066 If the ancient Greeks taught us anything, 583 00:28:10,067 --> 00:28:12,066 they taught us that. 584 00:28:12,067 --> 00:28:14,199 So I say, "Yes, we can," 585 00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:17,199 and I take his hateful little hand in mine, 586 00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:19,066 and we exit the Tilt-a-Whirl, 587 00:28:19,067 --> 00:28:20,332 and we go around 588 00:28:20,333 --> 00:28:22,199 towards the entrance of the Tilt-a-Whirl, 589 00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:23,699 and as we're walking, 590 00:28:23,700 --> 00:28:27,899 I start to feel all the blood drain from my head, 591 00:28:27,900 --> 00:28:31,166 and I realize I need to sit down now, 592 00:28:31,167 --> 00:28:32,832 and I'm lowering myself to the ground, 593 00:28:32,833 --> 00:28:34,232 and I am not gonna show weakness in front 594 00:28:34,233 --> 00:28:37,066 of this little fucking bastard, 595 00:28:37,067 --> 00:28:38,966 so I'm just going, "Hey, buddy, 596 00:28:38,967 --> 00:28:41,267 "Dad's gonna take a knee. 597 00:28:45,300 --> 00:28:47,299 "Dad's gonna take a knee, buddy. You having a good time? 598 00:28:47,300 --> 00:28:50,366 Yeah, buddy, having a good, good time; good, good time." 599 00:28:50,367 --> 00:28:54,366 And I'm calling him "buddy" not so much to reassure him, 600 00:28:54,367 --> 00:28:57,332 but because in that moment, I do not know his name, 601 00:28:57,333 --> 00:28:58,632 and he's going, 602 00:28:58,633 --> 00:29:00,899 "Come on, I want to go on the Tilt-a-Whirl. 603 00:29:00,900 --> 00:29:02,532 I want to go on the Tilt-a-Whirl." 604 00:29:02,533 --> 00:29:04,066 I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, buddy, we're gonna go 605 00:29:04,067 --> 00:29:05,299 on the Tilt-a-Whirl," and I start to stand up, 606 00:29:05,300 --> 00:29:06,766 and as I do, I feel my body break out 607 00:29:06,767 --> 00:29:09,532 into that pre-faint sweat 608 00:29:09,533 --> 00:29:13,299 where moisture just explodes out of every pore 609 00:29:13,300 --> 00:29:15,799 that you have, and I realize standing 610 00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:17,066 is not an option, 611 00:29:17,067 --> 00:29:18,966 and sitting will no longer do either. 612 00:29:18,967 --> 00:29:21,297 I need to lay down. 613 00:29:21,967 --> 00:29:24,066 I need to lay down 614 00:29:24,067 --> 00:29:27,267 on the amusement park asphalt. 615 00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:37,066 Fortunately, I find a soft bed 616 00:29:37,067 --> 00:29:40,499 of used Band-Aids to lay in, 617 00:29:40,500 --> 00:29:44,466 and I'm laying there for quite awhile 618 00:29:44,467 --> 00:29:48,066 in the drippings of old snow cones 619 00:29:48,067 --> 00:29:51,899 and the clotted remains of funnel cakes 620 00:29:51,900 --> 00:29:54,666 from days gone by 621 00:29:54,667 --> 00:29:57,199 and in the dried-up vomit 622 00:29:57,200 --> 00:29:59,666 of other middle-aged men 623 00:29:59,667 --> 00:30:02,566 who did not know their limits, 624 00:30:02,567 --> 00:30:04,999 and I'm laying there for quite awhile, 625 00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:08,766 and then I see the inquisitive little face 626 00:30:08,767 --> 00:30:13,532 of my son kind of peer over and look down at me, 627 00:30:13,533 --> 00:30:18,273 and he goes, "Dad, I just lost a lot of respect for you," 628 00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:24,530 And then he walked away, and I never saw him again. 629 00:30:27,100 --> 00:30:29,166 True story. 630 00:30:29,167 --> 00:30:31,297 That's a true story, you guys. 631 00:30:34,133 --> 00:30:36,799 It was kind of a dickish move on his part, I thought, 632 00:30:36,800 --> 00:30:38,400 when he did that. 633 00:30:39,500 --> 00:30:43,499 But I have been known 634 00:30:43,500 --> 00:30:48,066 to engage in dickish behavior myself. 635 00:30:48,067 --> 00:30:49,966 Sometimes I feel like people deserve it, 636 00:30:49,967 --> 00:30:51,599 and I will give you an example of somebody 637 00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:55,199 who I feel like deserves my dickish behavior. 638 00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:57,199 I have to rent cars sometimes. 639 00:30:57,200 --> 00:30:59,132 Okay, when I rent a car, 640 00:30:59,133 --> 00:31:00,966 I don't want to have a conversation 641 00:31:00,967 --> 00:31:02,232 with the rental car clerk, 642 00:31:02,233 --> 00:31:03,532 not because I'm a dick, 643 00:31:03,533 --> 00:31:06,099 but because I've just been on an airplane. 644 00:31:06,100 --> 00:31:08,066 I'm tired. I'm dehydrated. 645 00:31:08,067 --> 00:31:10,799 I've been holding in farts for hours. 646 00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:12,099 Right? I just want to get my keys. 647 00:31:12,100 --> 00:31:15,099 I want to go. 648 00:31:15,100 --> 00:31:19,332 But in their training, I guess, 649 00:31:19,333 --> 00:31:21,666 the rental car companies believe 650 00:31:21,667 --> 00:31:23,599 that customers enjoy it 651 00:31:23,600 --> 00:31:26,499 when the clerks engage them in conversation, 652 00:31:26,500 --> 00:31:30,332 and they keep asking me the same annoying question. 653 00:31:30,333 --> 00:31:31,832 As I'm filling out my paperwork 654 00:31:31,833 --> 00:31:33,366 or getting my keys, they will turn to me and say, 655 00:31:33,367 --> 00:31:35,599 "So what brings you to town today?" 656 00:31:35,600 --> 00:31:39,132 I'm like, "Ew, fuck you. You don't get to ask me that. 657 00:31:39,133 --> 00:31:41,699 "I'm allowed to be here. 658 00:31:41,700 --> 00:31:44,600 That's all you need to know. I'm allowed to be here." 659 00:31:46,067 --> 00:31:47,932 Look, I'm Jewish, okay. 660 00:31:47,933 --> 00:31:49,566 As a Jew, when I hear, 661 00:31:49,567 --> 00:31:52,099 "So what brings you to town today," 662 00:31:52,100 --> 00:31:54,266 that sounds suspiciously like, 663 00:31:54,267 --> 00:31:57,127 "May I see your papers? 664 00:32:01,667 --> 00:32:04,099 "No, no, Mr. Black, I'm sure your papers 665 00:32:04,100 --> 00:32:10,866 "are perfectly in order, but... 666 00:32:10,867 --> 00:32:12,266 "I really must insist 667 00:32:12,267 --> 00:32:14,597 that you show me your papers, Mr. Black." 668 00:32:19,167 --> 00:32:21,966 You guys, my favorite thing 669 00:32:21,967 --> 00:32:27,167 to do in the world right now is the German rental car clerk... 670 00:32:34,700 --> 00:32:38,170 Fastidiously checking out his nails. 671 00:32:40,900 --> 00:32:44,499 "Would you like a GPS, Mr. Black, 672 00:32:44,500 --> 00:32:48,066 "so we may keep track of your movements? 673 00:32:51,100 --> 00:32:52,699 It's such an annoying question. 674 00:32:52,700 --> 00:32:54,066 "What brings you to town today?" 675 00:32:54,067 --> 00:32:56,199 So now I have a standard response. 676 00:32:56,200 --> 00:32:58,199 They go, "So what brings you to town today?" 677 00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:01,530 I say, "Your mom," and that ends the conversation. 678 00:33:03,100 --> 00:33:04,466 It ends the conversation. 679 00:33:04,467 --> 00:33:06,266 Is it a dick move? Sure, it is. 680 00:33:06,267 --> 00:33:07,299 I think they deserve it. 681 00:33:07,300 --> 00:33:08,799 Here's somebody 682 00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:12,232 who absolutely did not deserve my dickish behavior. 683 00:33:12,233 --> 00:33:13,566 I'm at a party. 684 00:33:13,567 --> 00:33:14,832 I'm kind of by myself at the party. 685 00:33:14,833 --> 00:33:16,199 I don't really know anybody. 686 00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:17,632 I see a woman standing by herself. 687 00:33:17,633 --> 00:33:19,466 She's pregnant. She's obviously pregnant, 688 00:33:19,467 --> 00:33:21,099 and I think, "I'll go talk to the pregnant lady," 689 00:33:21,100 --> 00:33:22,799 so I go over, and we have the pregnant lady conversation. 690 00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:24,466 "You're pregnant. When do you do? 691 00:33:24,467 --> 00:33:25,632 You have a name picked out?" 692 00:33:25,633 --> 00:33:28,866 You know, like, that conversation. 693 00:33:28,867 --> 00:33:30,099 Then, at a certain point, I go, 694 00:33:30,100 --> 00:33:31,632 "Can I put my hand on your tummy?" 695 00:33:31,633 --> 00:33:33,132 And she goes, "Sure," so I put my hand on her tummy. 696 00:33:33,133 --> 00:33:34,766 And then just to be a dick, 697 00:33:34,767 --> 00:33:37,797 I go, "I don't think your baby's gonna make it." 698 00:33:46,433 --> 00:33:48,866 She hated that, you guys. 699 00:33:48,867 --> 00:33:50,266 I mean, she really hated that. 700 00:33:50,267 --> 00:33:51,866 She was like, "Why would you say that?" 701 00:33:51,867 --> 00:33:53,299 I'm like, "No, no, no. I'm just being a dick, 702 00:33:53,300 --> 00:33:55,332 "you know, like, for comedy. 703 00:33:55,333 --> 00:33:59,632 You know, like, 'I don't think your baby's gonna make it.'" 704 00:33:59,633 --> 00:34:01,066 You know? 705 00:34:01,067 --> 00:34:02,299 She's like, "Why would you make a joke 706 00:34:02,300 --> 00:34:03,632 about the life of my baby?" 707 00:34:03,633 --> 00:34:05,332 And I thought that was a very good question. 708 00:34:05,333 --> 00:34:08,566 I did not have a good answer to that question, 709 00:34:08,567 --> 00:34:10,366 so I just said, "You're so young and skinny," 710 00:34:10,367 --> 00:34:14,299 and that did not work at all on her. 711 00:34:14,300 --> 00:34:15,832 Don't do it; never say 712 00:34:15,833 --> 00:34:17,232 "I don't think your baby's gonna make it." 713 00:34:17,233 --> 00:34:18,799 That's terrible. 714 00:34:18,800 --> 00:34:21,570 Say "I think your baby is going to make it." 715 00:34:23,133 --> 00:34:24,666 Much better. 716 00:34:24,667 --> 00:34:26,766 People get very upset on the subject of dead babies, 717 00:34:26,767 --> 00:34:28,932 which is the right attitude to have, by the way, 718 00:34:28,933 --> 00:34:32,532 and it's why I would like to take the next few minutes 719 00:34:32,533 --> 00:34:34,532 to speak with you about abortion. 720 00:34:34,533 --> 00:34:37,332 Now, I know a lot of you are probably like, 721 00:34:37,333 --> 00:34:41,199 "Hey, Michael, I did not come to the comedy show 722 00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:43,199 "to hear about abortion. 723 00:34:43,200 --> 00:34:44,466 "I came to the comedy show 724 00:34:44,467 --> 00:34:47,727 to get away from abortion." 725 00:34:49,667 --> 00:34:51,066 Understood. 726 00:34:51,067 --> 00:34:56,897 But I think abortion is a very fertile topic for comedy. 727 00:35:30,400 --> 00:35:32,599 Now, on the subject of abortion, 728 00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:34,966 probably some of you looking at me, 729 00:35:34,967 --> 00:35:37,466 thinking to yourselves, "Michael Ian Black, 730 00:35:37,467 --> 00:35:40,832 he's probably some pro-choice liberal asshole." 731 00:35:40,833 --> 00:35:43,666 Well, let me tell you guys something. 732 00:35:43,667 --> 00:35:47,299 I am a pro-choice liberal asshole. 733 00:35:47,300 --> 00:35:48,332 Sure. 734 00:35:50,067 --> 00:35:55,399 And we liberals, we believe in three things: 735 00:35:55,400 --> 00:35:58,466 giving condoms to children; 736 00:35:58,467 --> 00:36:00,699 giving needles to everybody; 737 00:36:00,700 --> 00:36:02,466 and the right to kill babies 738 00:36:02,467 --> 00:36:04,566 whenever we want, however we want, 739 00:36:04,567 --> 00:36:07,232 except with guns because guns are bad. 740 00:36:09,867 --> 00:36:12,866 That's just Liberalism 101, you guys. 741 00:36:12,867 --> 00:36:15,499 Now, on the other side, you have your pro-life people, 742 00:36:15,500 --> 00:36:18,166 and I actually have a lot of sympathy 743 00:36:18,167 --> 00:36:19,466 for the pro-life position 744 00:36:19,467 --> 00:36:21,099 because they believe that as soon 745 00:36:21,100 --> 00:36:22,366 as an egg is fertilized, 746 00:36:22,367 --> 00:36:23,832 that that is a baby, right, 747 00:36:23,833 --> 00:36:27,532 like, as soon as an egg is fertilized... 748 00:36:27,533 --> 00:36:30,033 With jizz, right? 749 00:36:31,833 --> 00:36:34,632 Am I right, you guys? You know I'm right. 750 00:36:34,633 --> 00:36:36,466 You know it's jizz. Come on, up top. 751 00:36:36,467 --> 00:36:38,532 You know it's jizz. Up top. 752 00:36:38,533 --> 00:36:39,866 You know it's jizz. 753 00:36:39,867 --> 00:36:42,099 Fucking jizz baby, fucking jizz baby. 754 00:36:42,100 --> 00:36:45,199 jizz baby, jizz baby, jizz baby, jizz baby. 755 00:36:45,200 --> 00:36:47,566 Fucking, jizz babies left and right. 756 00:36:47,567 --> 00:36:50,127 Everybody's a jizz baby. 757 00:36:54,367 --> 00:36:55,366 You're a jizz baby. 758 00:36:55,367 --> 00:36:56,867 You're a jizz ba... 759 00:37:01,133 --> 00:37:03,599 Well, you know, if you believe that as soon 760 00:37:03,600 --> 00:37:05,266 as an egg is fertilized, it's a baby, 761 00:37:05,267 --> 00:37:08,199 then of course you can't kill a baby, right, 762 00:37:08,200 --> 00:37:09,466 not in any circumstances, 763 00:37:09,467 --> 00:37:10,799 not in the case of rape or incest, 764 00:37:10,800 --> 00:37:12,566 not even if the parents have lip piercings. 765 00:37:12,567 --> 00:37:14,199 You can't kill that baby. 766 00:37:14,200 --> 00:37:17,099 You can't even kill that baby if you knew for a fact 767 00:37:17,100 --> 00:37:20,099 that baby was gonna grow up to be a philosophy major. 768 00:37:20,100 --> 00:37:21,932 You cannot kill that baby. 769 00:37:21,933 --> 00:37:24,799 You can't even kill that baby if the baby pronounces the word 770 00:37:24,800 --> 00:37:27,299 hilarious like this, "hi-lair-ious." 771 00:37:27,300 --> 00:37:30,770 You cannot kill the baby. 772 00:37:33,300 --> 00:37:34,499 Now, I don't want to kill anybody, 773 00:37:34,500 --> 00:37:35,832 right, not even redheads, 774 00:37:35,833 --> 00:37:37,299 who I believe are witches and warlocks. 775 00:37:37,300 --> 00:37:40,666 So what do you do, right? 776 00:37:40,667 --> 00:37:42,366 What is the solution? 777 00:37:42,367 --> 00:37:45,166 In this country, we believe... by a small majority, 778 00:37:45,167 --> 00:37:49,799 but a majority nonetheless... That abortion should be legal. 779 00:37:49,800 --> 00:37:51,966 Right? But there has to be a cutoff. 780 00:37:51,967 --> 00:37:53,666 There has to be a point where you say, 781 00:37:53,667 --> 00:37:55,332 "Well, no, you cannot abort this baby anymore." 782 00:37:55,333 --> 00:38:00,199 The cutoff that we have agreed on is called "viability," 783 00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:03,532 which is defined as the ability of the fetus 784 00:38:03,533 --> 00:38:08,599 to live outside the womb without intervention, 785 00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:10,632 and that is a terrible way 786 00:38:10,633 --> 00:38:13,399 to determine when abortion should be legal 787 00:38:13,400 --> 00:38:15,066 because I know 25-year-olds 788 00:38:15,067 --> 00:38:19,732 who cannot live outside the womb without intervention, 789 00:38:19,733 --> 00:38:22,466 and if you think about it, no baby can live 790 00:38:22,467 --> 00:38:26,532 outside the womb without intervention, right? 791 00:38:26,533 --> 00:38:28,773 Like, take a baby, right? 792 00:38:30,933 --> 00:38:35,432 Take a fresh baby, put it on the floor, 793 00:38:35,433 --> 00:38:37,799 walk away. 794 00:38:37,800 --> 00:38:39,666 What's gonna happen to that baby? 795 00:38:39,667 --> 00:38:42,432 That baby gonna die, 796 00:38:42,433 --> 00:38:44,266 and, you know, you want to intervene, intervene. 797 00:38:44,267 --> 00:38:46,632 Give the baby a Big Gulp, put it next to the baby. 798 00:38:46,633 --> 00:38:49,066 You could take the straw wrapper off for the baby, 799 00:38:49,067 --> 00:38:51,566 give the baby a pizza, not even a shitty pizza, like, 800 00:38:51,567 --> 00:38:53,532 a nice wood-fired pizza 801 00:38:53,533 --> 00:38:55,699 loaded with fresh mozzarella 802 00:38:55,700 --> 00:38:58,666 and gabagool and prosciutto, 803 00:38:58,667 --> 00:39:00,832 and you put it next to the baby. 804 00:39:00,833 --> 00:39:04,266 You could put the pizza on top of the baby. 805 00:39:04,267 --> 00:39:06,532 The baby's not gonna drink the Big Gulp. 806 00:39:06,533 --> 00:39:08,432 Baby is not gonna eat the pizza. 807 00:39:08,433 --> 00:39:10,732 That baby gonna die. 808 00:39:10,733 --> 00:39:15,103 The pizza is more viable than the baby. 809 00:39:16,900 --> 00:39:18,766 I don't know what the solution is here, you guys. 810 00:39:18,767 --> 00:39:20,832 Obviously, I don't think people should be having sex, 811 00:39:20,833 --> 00:39:26,466 but if you really want to cut down on abortions, 812 00:39:26,467 --> 00:39:27,732 and I think everybody agrees. 813 00:39:27,733 --> 00:39:30,466 We would like to have less abortions. 814 00:39:30,467 --> 00:39:33,666 Fewer abortions, that's the correct term. 815 00:39:33,667 --> 00:39:36,499 English majors? English majors? 816 00:39:36,500 --> 00:39:38,866 If you really want to have fewer abortions, 817 00:39:38,867 --> 00:39:41,599 you have to reduce unwanted pregnancies. 818 00:39:41,600 --> 00:39:44,299 How do you do that? I will tell you. 819 00:39:44,300 --> 00:39:46,000 Ladies... 820 00:39:49,333 --> 00:39:51,532 If you just keep it 821 00:39:51,533 --> 00:39:58,199 to BJs and butt stuff, 822 00:39:58,200 --> 00:40:01,599 and that's all you do, 823 00:40:01,600 --> 00:40:05,000 you will cut your risk of pregnancy in half. 824 00:40:06,667 --> 00:40:08,827 That's just science, you guys. 825 00:40:11,667 --> 00:40:14,232 I am very lucky 826 00:40:14,233 --> 00:40:16,266 that I never had to deal with an unwanted pregnancy, 827 00:40:16,267 --> 00:40:20,399 because when I was single, I was always very careful 828 00:40:20,400 --> 00:40:22,032 not to give my partner 829 00:40:22,033 --> 00:40:24,803 my correct contact information... 830 00:40:30,500 --> 00:40:31,899 Which is not to say 831 00:40:31,900 --> 00:40:34,066 I have not had terrible things happen to me. 832 00:40:34,067 --> 00:40:34,999 I have. 833 00:40:35,000 --> 00:40:36,900 I will tell you the latest. 834 00:40:38,867 --> 00:40:43,227 This happened nary a few months ago. 835 00:40:47,367 --> 00:40:50,466 We're shooting the "The Jim Gaffigan Show"... 836 00:40:50,467 --> 00:40:52,666 Which, by the way, 837 00:40:52,667 --> 00:40:58,197 Wednesdays, 10:00, TV Land. 838 00:41:01,467 --> 00:41:02,967 I need this. 839 00:41:12,300 --> 00:41:13,866 So we're shooting the "The Jim Gaffigan Show." 840 00:41:13,867 --> 00:41:15,532 We shoot in New York City, 841 00:41:15,533 --> 00:41:17,966 and as we're finishing one night, 842 00:41:17,967 --> 00:41:19,699 it's, like, 2:00 in the morning. 843 00:41:19,700 --> 00:41:21,466 I'm going to leave New York City 844 00:41:21,467 --> 00:41:25,766 and drive to my home in the wilds of Connecticut, 845 00:41:25,767 --> 00:41:26,899 where I live, 846 00:41:26,900 --> 00:41:28,466 and as I'm leaving the city, 847 00:41:28,467 --> 00:41:31,766 I see police sirens in front of me, 848 00:41:31,767 --> 00:41:33,166 okay, at an intersection, 849 00:41:33,167 --> 00:41:34,932 and there's a policeman in the intersection, 850 00:41:34,933 --> 00:41:36,666 looking at me through my windshield 851 00:41:36,667 --> 00:41:39,066 and going like this. Right? 852 00:41:39,067 --> 00:41:42,266 And I think to myself, " this policeman wants a handjob." 853 00:41:42,267 --> 00:41:43,397 And... 854 00:41:46,333 --> 00:41:47,766 You know, I'm thinking to myself, "Well, you know what, 855 00:41:47,767 --> 00:41:49,599 I was here for 9/11. Why not?" 856 00:41:49,600 --> 00:41:51,399 Right? I pull the car over... 857 00:41:51,400 --> 00:41:54,566 You give something back to the boys in blue, am I right? 858 00:41:54,567 --> 00:41:56,132 Sure, you do. 859 00:41:57,667 --> 00:41:59,499 Get out the Lubriderm, you know what I mean? 860 00:41:59,500 --> 00:42:01,166 I'm getting all set. 861 00:42:01,167 --> 00:42:03,566 Comes over, turns out that's not what he wants. 862 00:42:03,567 --> 00:42:05,066 It's a sobriety check. 863 00:42:05,067 --> 00:42:07,166 Not a problem, I haven't been drinking. 864 00:42:07,167 --> 00:42:09,666 I give him my license, he goes back to his car, 865 00:42:09,667 --> 00:42:12,299 and then he does not return. 866 00:42:12,300 --> 00:42:15,399 For many minutes, he does not come back, 867 00:42:15,400 --> 00:42:18,066 so many minutes that I Google 868 00:42:18,067 --> 00:42:19,766 "what happens if the policeman 869 00:42:19,767 --> 00:42:23,566 does not come back after he takes your license." 870 00:42:23,567 --> 00:42:26,832 Then, I see in my side-view mirror 871 00:42:26,833 --> 00:42:28,932 the policeman approaching the car, 872 00:42:28,933 --> 00:42:31,099 but now he is accompanied 873 00:42:31,100 --> 00:42:34,766 by several other officers of the law, 874 00:42:34,767 --> 00:42:37,299 and I think to myself, "Shit. 875 00:42:37,300 --> 00:42:40,470 These guys are all gonna want autographs." 876 00:42:42,967 --> 00:42:46,932 He comes up to the window. 877 00:42:46,933 --> 00:42:49,499 He goes, "Would you mind stepping out of the vehicle." 878 00:42:49,500 --> 00:42:51,932 And now, for the first time, I'm getting nervous, 879 00:42:51,933 --> 00:42:54,366 and I go, "Do I have to?" 880 00:42:54,367 --> 00:42:56,166 Thinking the answer very well might be, 881 00:42:56,167 --> 00:42:59,099 "Well, no, you don't have to. 882 00:42:59,100 --> 00:43:00,699 "It's just that me and the guys 883 00:43:00,700 --> 00:43:02,066 "have all these homemade chocolate chip cookies, 884 00:43:02,067 --> 00:43:07,666 "and frankly, we can't eat them all. 885 00:43:07,667 --> 00:43:11,399 "Would you help us eat the chocolate chip cookies, Mike?" 886 00:43:11,400 --> 00:43:13,799 That is not what he says at all. 887 00:43:13,800 --> 00:43:15,299 He says, "Yes, you have to. 888 00:43:15,300 --> 00:43:18,099 You're under arrest." I know. 889 00:43:18,100 --> 00:43:20,199 That gasp, what you just did, that's what I did. 890 00:43:20,200 --> 00:43:21,799 I went like that. 891 00:43:21,800 --> 00:43:23,632 I think I fanned myself a little bit, like... 892 00:43:23,633 --> 00:43:25,166 You know, like, "Ooh, officer. 893 00:43:25,167 --> 00:43:29,266 You've just given me the vapors, officer." 894 00:43:29,267 --> 00:43:30,866 I'm like, "What the fuck is going on?" 895 00:43:30,867 --> 00:43:33,299 I slowly get out of the car, 896 00:43:33,300 --> 00:43:36,766 and my first thought of course is, "I should run." 897 00:43:36,767 --> 00:43:39,666 I should just fucking run as far and as... 898 00:43:39,667 --> 00:43:41,599 Like, leave my car, leave my family, 899 00:43:41,600 --> 00:43:43,699 get plastic surgery, change my name, 900 00:43:43,700 --> 00:43:45,766 like how I became Michael Ian Black 901 00:43:45,767 --> 00:43:49,832 in the first place, 902 00:43:49,833 --> 00:43:51,766 but I do not do that. 903 00:43:51,767 --> 00:43:54,799 Instead, I ask, as you do 904 00:43:54,800 --> 00:43:57,599 in that situation, 905 00:43:57,600 --> 00:44:01,632 "Officer, why am I under arrest?" 906 00:44:01,633 --> 00:44:06,066 As it turns out, 907 00:44:06,067 --> 00:44:10,766 in 2007, 908 00:44:10,767 --> 00:44:14,099 I had a lapse 909 00:44:14,100 --> 00:44:19,066 in my auto insurance, a lapse, 910 00:44:19,067 --> 00:44:22,566 a brief interregnum. 911 00:44:22,567 --> 00:44:23,899 Somebody Google "interregnum." 912 00:44:23,900 --> 00:44:25,932 I want to know if that's a word. 913 00:44:25,933 --> 00:44:29,066 Do you have a phone on you? Google "interregnum." 914 00:44:29,067 --> 00:44:32,332 I want to know if I'm using that correctly. 915 00:44:32,333 --> 00:44:34,699 All right, while you're looking it up, 916 00:44:34,700 --> 00:44:39,066 I had a lapse in my auto insurance, 917 00:44:39,067 --> 00:44:42,732 resulting in a fine 918 00:44:42,733 --> 00:44:44,499 which did not get paid, 919 00:44:44,500 --> 00:44:46,132 resulting in a suspension 920 00:44:46,133 --> 00:44:48,332 of my New York state driving privileges, 921 00:44:48,333 --> 00:44:50,099 so for the last X number of years, 922 00:44:50,100 --> 00:44:51,832 I've been driving around in New York state, 923 00:44:51,833 --> 00:44:52,932 a state I do not live in, 924 00:44:52,933 --> 00:44:54,499 on a suspended license, 925 00:44:54,500 --> 00:44:57,630 and now I'm going to jail. 926 00:44:58,933 --> 00:45:02,832 Now, whose fault is this? 927 00:45:02,833 --> 00:45:04,433 Who can say? 928 00:45:09,300 --> 00:45:14,866 To know that, we'd somehow have to be able to determine 929 00:45:14,867 --> 00:45:17,066 who in my household 930 00:45:17,067 --> 00:45:20,632 is responsible for paying the auto insurance. 931 00:45:20,633 --> 00:45:23,603 Is it my wife? Yes, it is. 932 00:45:24,967 --> 00:45:28,066 Is it her fault? 933 00:45:28,067 --> 00:45:30,632 Who can say? 934 00:45:30,633 --> 00:45:32,199 The point is, 935 00:45:32,200 --> 00:45:35,432 I'm now being arrested on a New York City street. 936 00:45:35,433 --> 00:45:38,399 Do you know what the statute of limitations is 937 00:45:38,400 --> 00:45:43,066 in New York state for first-degree manslaughter? 938 00:45:43,067 --> 00:45:46,599 I know because I looked it up after the fact. 939 00:45:46,600 --> 00:45:48,070 Five years. 940 00:45:49,067 --> 00:45:52,666 Had I killed somebody in 2007 941 00:45:52,667 --> 00:45:54,232 and yet maintained 942 00:45:54,233 --> 00:46:00,066 continual auto insurance coverage 943 00:46:00,067 --> 00:46:02,332 and gone through that same sobriety check, 944 00:46:02,333 --> 00:46:04,366 and the officer had said, "How you doing tonight?" 945 00:46:04,367 --> 00:46:07,899 and I said, "I killed somebody in 2007," 946 00:46:07,900 --> 00:46:10,066 legally, he would've had 947 00:46:10,067 --> 00:46:15,066 to have responded by saying, "Have a good night." 948 00:46:15,067 --> 00:46:17,766 But because I had an interregnum... 949 00:46:17,767 --> 00:46:19,099 I'm right. 950 00:46:19,100 --> 00:46:21,199 An interval or pause. 951 00:46:21,200 --> 00:46:25,166 An interval or pause, interregnum. 952 00:46:28,633 --> 00:46:32,066 Because I had an interregnum in my auto insurance, 953 00:46:32,067 --> 00:46:34,266 I'm now being fucking handcuffed 954 00:46:34,267 --> 00:46:36,132 in the middle of New York City, 955 00:46:36,133 --> 00:46:37,566 and it is bullshit. 956 00:46:37,567 --> 00:46:39,732 It is such bullshit, and I do not hold back. 957 00:46:39,733 --> 00:46:43,099 I tell those officers exactly what I'm thinking. 958 00:46:43,100 --> 00:46:46,530 I look them in the eye, and I go, "This is absurd." 959 00:46:48,133 --> 00:46:50,066 And you better believe they backed the fuck up 960 00:46:50,067 --> 00:46:52,267 when I dropped that truth bomb. 961 00:46:55,133 --> 00:46:59,266 They put me in the paddy wagon, right? 962 00:46:59,267 --> 00:47:00,732 They put me in the van. It's a van. 963 00:47:00,733 --> 00:47:02,132 They put me in the van, 964 00:47:02,133 --> 00:47:03,266 and there's other cops to, you know, 965 00:47:03,267 --> 00:47:04,899 like, guard me or whatever, 966 00:47:04,900 --> 00:47:08,499 and what really surprised me about it was how nice they were, 967 00:47:08,500 --> 00:47:10,299 'cause you think, like, NYPD, like, 968 00:47:10,300 --> 00:47:12,466 they're just gonna be cocks, and they weren't. 969 00:47:12,467 --> 00:47:14,366 They were super nice and, like, chatty. 970 00:47:14,367 --> 00:47:16,066 They didn't know who I was or anything like that. 971 00:47:16,067 --> 00:47:17,766 They asked me questions. 972 00:47:17,767 --> 00:47:20,299 They answered my questions, and I couldn't figure it out. 973 00:47:20,300 --> 00:47:22,666 Then, like, half an hour into the process, I realized. 974 00:47:22,667 --> 00:47:28,666 I'm like, " this is white privilege." 975 00:47:34,333 --> 00:47:35,766 Not bad, you know what I mean? 976 00:47:35,767 --> 00:47:38,066 Like, I'm still getting fucked by the system, 977 00:47:38,067 --> 00:47:39,732 but the system is using lube. 978 00:47:39,733 --> 00:47:41,499 I'll take it. 979 00:47:41,500 --> 00:47:44,932 But listen to me, crackers, and listen good. 980 00:47:44,933 --> 00:47:48,366 You better enjoy it while you can because pretty soon, 981 00:47:48,367 --> 00:47:51,599 white people are gonna be the minority in this country, 982 00:47:51,600 --> 00:47:54,066 right? 983 00:47:54,067 --> 00:47:56,266 What's gonna happen when white people 984 00:47:56,267 --> 00:47:59,066 are in the minority? 985 00:47:59,067 --> 00:48:01,497 Is the food gonna get spicier? 986 00:48:05,433 --> 00:48:08,433 It's already pretty spicy, you guys. 987 00:48:12,300 --> 00:48:13,932 So I'm going to jail, 988 00:48:13,933 --> 00:48:15,966 and I'd never been to jail. You know what I mean? 989 00:48:15,967 --> 00:48:18,666 Like, you reach a certain age, a certain point in your life 990 00:48:18,667 --> 00:48:20,432 where you think, at least subconsciously, 991 00:48:20,433 --> 00:48:22,266 like, you're never gonna go to jail. 992 00:48:22,267 --> 00:48:24,927 Like, I'm 26 years old, and at this point in my life... 993 00:48:30,133 --> 00:48:32,299 Shut up, you guys. 994 00:48:32,300 --> 00:48:33,532 I just thought, you know, 995 00:48:33,533 --> 00:48:35,399 I'm never going to jail, you know. 996 00:48:35,400 --> 00:48:37,632 Who's been to jail here before? 997 00:48:37,633 --> 00:48:38,866 Anybody? 998 00:48:38,867 --> 00:48:41,366 [applause A lot of you. 999 00:48:41,367 --> 00:48:43,367 What have you been to jail for, ma'am? 1000 00:48:44,567 --> 00:48:48,499 Public intoxication, classic. Classic. 1001 00:48:48,500 --> 00:48:52,332 What were you doing that led the officers to be like, 1002 00:48:52,333 --> 00:48:55,799 "This bitch has to get locked up"? 1003 00:48:55,800 --> 00:49:00,066 You left the party, yeah, that's... it never ends well 1004 00:49:00,067 --> 00:49:03,332 when it begins with "I left the party." 1005 00:49:03,333 --> 00:49:05,333 You left the party. 1006 00:49:08,067 --> 00:49:09,867 They followed you to a Waffle House. 1007 00:49:12,967 --> 00:49:14,266 That's it. 1008 00:49:14,267 --> 00:49:15,399 They were just like, "These chicks 1009 00:49:15,400 --> 00:49:18,566 are drunk at the Waffle House." 1010 00:49:18,567 --> 00:49:21,566 Anybody else? Can you beat public intoxication, anybody? 1011 00:49:21,567 --> 00:49:23,667 - Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah? 1012 00:49:26,133 --> 00:49:29,303 What did you do? 1013 00:49:39,067 --> 00:49:41,697 Okay, so... 1014 00:49:47,700 --> 00:49:48,966 I just want to sum up 1015 00:49:48,967 --> 00:49:51,599 the events of the last few seconds. 1016 00:49:51,600 --> 00:49:55,066 Can anybody beat public intoxication? 1017 00:49:57,800 --> 00:49:59,400 "Hell, yeah! 1018 00:50:02,633 --> 00:50:05,833 "You see this teardrop on my face? 1019 00:50:07,167 --> 00:50:12,166 "I got it for running a red light 1020 00:50:12,167 --> 00:50:14,427 on my bicycle." 1021 00:50:20,267 --> 00:50:22,166 Anybody else? Can anybody beat that? 1022 00:50:22,167 --> 00:50:24,527 You can. You can beat it. 1023 00:50:25,667 --> 00:50:27,432 Public mischief. 1024 00:50:27,433 --> 00:50:30,732 What kind of mischievousness were you up to, friend? 1025 00:50:30,733 --> 00:50:32,532 Is this doesn't involve a jack-o'-lantern, 1026 00:50:32,533 --> 00:50:34,573 I'm gonna be disappointed. 1027 00:50:37,067 --> 00:50:38,266 It happened in Canada. 1028 00:50:38,267 --> 00:50:40,927 That savage country, yeah. 1029 00:50:43,233 --> 00:50:45,373 - You were a missionary? - A Mormon missionary. 1030 00:50:46,067 --> 00:50:47,797 A Mormon missionary. 1031 00:50:51,933 --> 00:50:55,066 Okay. 1032 00:51:02,200 --> 00:51:03,966 You were a Mormon missionary in Canada. 1033 00:51:03,967 --> 00:51:07,532 If you didn't hear, he was a Mormon missionary in Canada. 1034 00:51:07,533 --> 00:51:13,566 Another missionary was trying to run away, 1035 00:51:13,567 --> 00:51:16,567 so you stopped his plane. 1036 00:51:17,300 --> 00:51:19,470 How did you stop the plane? 1037 00:51:32,367 --> 00:51:34,566 Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. 1038 00:51:34,567 --> 00:51:37,899 Number one answer on the board, 1039 00:51:37,900 --> 00:51:39,099 "I told the airline 1040 00:51:39,100 --> 00:51:42,099 there was a bomb on the plane." 1041 00:51:54,333 --> 00:51:56,803 The charge was public mischief. 1042 00:51:59,333 --> 00:52:03,132 This is pre-2001. 1043 00:52:03,133 --> 00:52:04,573 What year was this? 1044 00:52:05,367 --> 00:52:07,066 1987, yeah. 1045 00:52:07,067 --> 00:52:08,632 That's just what kids... You guys don't remember, 1046 00:52:08,633 --> 00:52:11,466 but that's what kids did back then. 1047 00:52:11,467 --> 00:52:14,897 We were all calling in bomb threats back then. 1048 00:52:17,767 --> 00:52:19,767 What kind of trouble did you get in? 1049 00:52:39,500 --> 00:52:42,370 And what happened to the Mormon who ran away? 1050 00:52:49,600 --> 00:52:51,166 Okay, now I'm gonna ask a question. 1051 00:52:51,167 --> 00:52:52,499 Don't answer. 1052 00:52:52,500 --> 00:52:53,932 But this is an audience question. 1053 00:52:53,933 --> 00:52:55,666 Show of hands, 1054 00:52:55,667 --> 00:52:58,597 how many people believe this man is still a Mormon? 1055 00:53:01,967 --> 00:53:03,466 Nobody. 1056 00:53:03,467 --> 00:53:04,799 Are you still a Mormon? No. 1057 00:53:04,800 --> 00:53:08,232 Okay, we're all correct. 1058 00:53:14,433 --> 00:53:17,533 Well, I can't beat that. 1059 00:53:18,600 --> 00:53:19,932 I'd never been to jail, right, 1060 00:53:19,933 --> 00:53:23,599 but I felt like I knew what to do, 1061 00:53:23,600 --> 00:53:25,099 you know, 'cause I'd seen movies. 1062 00:53:25,100 --> 00:53:26,899 I'd seen TV shows. I know when you go to jail, 1063 00:53:26,900 --> 00:53:29,132 like, you fucking act like you belong in jail. 1064 00:53:29,133 --> 00:53:30,332 You know what I mean? 1065 00:53:30,333 --> 00:53:32,773 I fucking strutted in there. 1066 00:53:40,833 --> 00:53:43,066 I was like, "Hey, fellas. I'm home." 1067 00:53:43,067 --> 00:53:45,299 You know. 1068 00:53:45,300 --> 00:53:46,666 I went up to the biggest fucking guy 1069 00:53:46,667 --> 00:53:48,666 in that jail, I looked him in the eye, 1070 00:53:48,667 --> 00:53:53,432 and I was like, "Just... I will do whatever you want. 1071 00:53:53,433 --> 00:53:54,766 "I'll suck your dick. I don't care, 1072 00:53:54,767 --> 00:53:58,167 just don't let them murder me." 1073 00:54:00,167 --> 00:54:02,299 There were some surprising things about the process. 1074 00:54:02,300 --> 00:54:06,632 The booking process was not what I expected because... 1075 00:54:06,633 --> 00:54:08,466 Well, the first thing that surprised me 1076 00:54:08,467 --> 00:54:11,332 was the fingerprinting procedure 1077 00:54:11,333 --> 00:54:13,099 'cause I thought, like, 1078 00:54:13,100 --> 00:54:14,699 fingerprinting... I thought it was just straightforward. 1079 00:54:14,700 --> 00:54:17,466 You know, it was like... No. 1080 00:54:17,467 --> 00:54:20,466 It is so much more homoerotic 1081 00:54:20,467 --> 00:54:22,799 than I ever would've imagined 1082 00:54:22,800 --> 00:54:25,866 because the arresting officer 1083 00:54:25,867 --> 00:54:28,399 has to make sure that he gets a good print, 1084 00:54:28,400 --> 00:54:35,170 so he gently guides your fingers... 1085 00:54:37,400 --> 00:54:41,870 From the ink pad onto the scanner. 1086 00:54:51,167 --> 00:54:54,997 At a certain point, he was like, "Your fingers are so dirty." 1087 00:55:07,300 --> 00:55:10,299 I was like, "Is this standard operating procedure?" 1088 00:55:10,300 --> 00:55:12,499 He's like, "Yeah. Don't tell me how to fucking do my job. 1089 00:55:12,500 --> 00:55:14,630 This is how you do it." 1090 00:55:18,600 --> 00:55:20,632 They do a retina scan. 1091 00:55:20,633 --> 00:55:22,632 I didn't even know we had that technology. 1092 00:55:22,633 --> 00:55:24,066 You know, it's literally, you know, 1093 00:55:24,067 --> 00:55:27,399 they take a laser picture of your eyeball. 1094 00:55:27,400 --> 00:55:28,499 I took off my pants. 1095 00:55:28,500 --> 00:55:30,066 I took off my underpants. 1096 00:55:30,067 --> 00:55:32,499 I fucking bent over and squatted, 1097 00:55:32,500 --> 00:55:35,199 spread my butt cheeks, coughed. 1098 00:55:35,200 --> 00:55:37,630 The officer's like, "Why are you doing that?" 1099 00:55:43,367 --> 00:55:45,599 I was like, 1100 00:55:45,600 --> 00:55:46,599 "I don't have to do that?" 1101 00:55:46,600 --> 00:55:48,066 He's like, "No. 1102 00:55:48,067 --> 00:55:50,066 "Like, you just had a suspended license. 1103 00:55:50,067 --> 00:55:53,199 I don't need to know what's up your asshole." 1104 00:55:53,200 --> 00:55:54,532 I was like, "So what should I do 1105 00:55:54,533 --> 00:55:56,266 with this little baggie filled with heroin?" 1106 00:55:56,267 --> 00:55:58,767 He was like, "Just put it back." I'm like, "All right," so... 1107 00:56:02,867 --> 00:56:05,166 22 hours. 1108 00:56:05,167 --> 00:56:09,399 22 hours I was in jail 1109 00:56:09,400 --> 00:56:10,566 for this shit, 1110 00:56:10,567 --> 00:56:12,666 literally longer 1111 00:56:12,667 --> 00:56:16,267 than anybody has ever been in jail before. 1112 00:56:17,933 --> 00:56:20,303 Were you more than 22 hours? 1113 00:56:21,667 --> 00:56:23,666 I got the guy who sent in a bomb threat 1114 00:56:23,667 --> 00:56:25,927 to an airline beat. 1115 00:56:28,967 --> 00:56:33,432 And when you're looking at the kind of time 1116 00:56:33,433 --> 00:56:38,066 I was looking at, ese, 1117 00:56:38,067 --> 00:56:42,232 you know, you just... 1118 00:56:42,233 --> 00:56:44,599 You got a choice to make. 1119 00:56:44,600 --> 00:56:46,866 You can either do your time, 1120 00:56:46,867 --> 00:56:49,327 or you can let your time do you. 1121 00:56:50,467 --> 00:56:52,632 I did my time. 1122 00:56:52,633 --> 00:56:56,073 I got my GED while I was in there. 1123 00:57:00,633 --> 00:57:04,532 I started mentoring youth 1124 00:57:04,533 --> 00:57:07,432 who were at risk 1125 00:57:07,433 --> 00:57:11,103 for having an interregnum in their auto insurance. 1126 00:57:15,400 --> 00:57:17,566 So 22 hours, they let me out. 1127 00:57:17,567 --> 00:57:19,699 I have to go back to the precinct 1128 00:57:19,700 --> 00:57:21,699 to pick up my car, 1129 00:57:21,700 --> 00:57:23,732 and as I'm picking up the car, 1130 00:57:23,733 --> 00:57:26,632 I see the guys who arrested me 1131 00:57:26,633 --> 00:57:29,399 now showing up to work on the following day, 1132 00:57:29,400 --> 00:57:31,232 and they're like, " you're just getting out now?" 1133 00:57:31,233 --> 00:57:33,166 I'm like, "Yeah, I'm just getting out now. 1134 00:57:33,167 --> 00:57:35,432 They're like, " 'cause we had a whole day. 1135 00:57:35,433 --> 00:57:40,666 "Like, we went canoeing, 1136 00:57:40,667 --> 00:57:44,766 and we did spin art, you know." 1137 00:57:44,767 --> 00:57:46,899 Yeah, they did spin art, you guys. 1138 00:57:46,900 --> 00:57:49,699 That's right. That's what they said. 1139 00:57:49,700 --> 00:57:52,766 And it occurs to me as I'm talking to them 1140 00:57:52,767 --> 00:57:56,666 that nothing in my legal status 1141 00:57:56,667 --> 00:57:58,366 has changed from the moment 1142 00:57:58,367 --> 00:58:01,832 I got arrested for driving this car until now, 1143 00:58:01,833 --> 00:58:04,099 when I'm about to drive this car again, 1144 00:58:04,100 --> 00:58:06,899 and they very well could arrest me 1145 00:58:06,900 --> 00:58:08,066 if I try to drive this car again, 1146 00:58:08,067 --> 00:58:09,232 and I go, "Are you gonna arrest me 1147 00:58:09,233 --> 00:58:10,666 if I try to drive this car again?" 1148 00:58:10,667 --> 00:58:14,766 And they go, "We don't know." 1149 00:58:14,767 --> 00:58:17,832 And so I get into the car, 1150 00:58:17,833 --> 00:58:19,432 and as I'm about to leave, 1151 00:58:19,433 --> 00:58:21,666 the one guy goes, "Hey, hey, hey, let me ask you something." 1152 00:58:21,667 --> 00:58:24,532 I go, "What?" He goes, "How was jail?" 1153 00:58:24,533 --> 00:58:26,499 I'm like, "How was jail? 1154 00:58:26,500 --> 00:58:27,899 "It was terrible. It was awful. 1155 00:58:27,900 --> 00:58:29,199 "You know, the food was terrible. 1156 00:58:29,200 --> 00:58:30,832 "There was, like, no place to sit. 1157 00:58:30,833 --> 00:58:32,466 It was crowded. It was hot. It was boring." 1158 00:58:32,467 --> 00:58:35,332 And he looks at the other cop, and he goes, "Well, well, well, 1159 00:58:35,333 --> 00:58:40,303 looks like we got ourselves a regular Walter Kerr here." 1160 00:58:42,733 --> 00:58:44,966 Thank you so much! 1161 00:58:44,967 --> 00:58:46,566 I really appreciate it. 1162 00:58:46,567 --> 00:58:49,497 Thank you guys so much. 1163 00:58:51,067 --> 00:58:53,066 Thank you. 1164 00:58:53,067 --> 00:58:55,499 My name is Michael Ian Black. 1165 00:58:55,500 --> 00:58:58,432 * 1166 00:58:58,433 --> 00:59:00,366 Good night. 1167 00:59:17,833 --> 00:59:20,332 Yeah, I scared you, didn't I? 1168 00:59:20,333 --> 00:59:23,432 Come on, what did I fucking say about these dogs? 1169 00:59:23,433 --> 00:59:26,132 Now he's stepping in it. He's stepping in it. 1170 00:59:26,133 --> 00:59:28,366 Now you're gonna have his paws on me? 1171 00:59:28,367 --> 00:59:29,466 This is such a stupid idea. 1172 00:59:29,467 --> 00:59:30,632 I hate myself. I hate my life. 1173 00:59:30,633 --> 00:59:32,132 I wish I was dead. 1174 00:59:32,133 --> 00:59:33,732 No, it's too late. It's too late. 1175 00:59:33,733 --> 00:59:37,266 It's too late. It's too late.