1
00:00:16,083 --> 00:00:17,582
Ow!

2
00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:34,499
¶ There's always
Someone saying ¶

3
00:00:34,501 --> 00:00:37,135
¶ Somebody needs
Something changing ¶

4
00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:39,805
¶ It's all a game
We're playing ¶

5
00:00:39,807 --> 00:00:41,139
¶ It's never ending ¶

6
00:00:41,141 --> 00:00:42,841
¶ And no one can keep up ¶

7
00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:45,444
¶ Makes you feel
Less than perfect ¶

8
00:00:45,446 --> 00:00:48,480
¶ Feels like
It's so not worth it ¶

9
00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:50,816
¶ Labeled some kind of misfit ¶

10
00:00:50,818 --> 00:00:54,186
¶ Tell me haven't you
Just had enough? ¶

11
00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:56,888
¶ Beauty has many faces ¶

12
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,658
¶ You'll see them
Different places ¶

13
00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:02,594
¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

14
00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:05,230
¶ I only wanna be myself ¶

15
00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:07,065
¶ I feel alive ¶

16
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,166
¶ I feel alive ¶

17
00:01:08,168 --> 00:01:10,769
¶ And I am beautiful ¶

18
00:01:10,771 --> 00:01:12,804
That goofy ballerina is me.

19
00:01:12,806 --> 00:01:15,640
At this point in my life,
I didn't worry about my weight

20
00:01:15,642 --> 00:01:17,042
but, of course,
that didn't last.

21
00:01:17,044 --> 00:01:18,577
¶ I feel alive ¶

22
00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:19,845
¶ I feel alive ¶

23
00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:22,547
¶ And I am beautiful ¶

24
00:01:22,549 --> 00:01:24,483
¶ You can refuse to listen ¶

25
00:01:24,485 --> 00:01:25,917
¶ To all the... ¶

26
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,686
Like most average
American girls,

27
00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:30,755
I grew up seeing
200 to 400 advertising images

28
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,891
of what women
are supposed to look like

29
00:01:32,893 --> 00:01:34,793
every day of my life.

30
00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:36,595
¶ And who you are
Is just fine ¶

31
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:39,264
¶ Unique and one of a kind ¶

32
00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:41,967
¶ No pressure now to define ¶

33
00:01:41,969 --> 00:01:44,703
¶ Anything to anyone but you ¶

34
00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:48,507
The women in the ads
we see are a size 0 to size 4.

35
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:52,143
Even though the average
American woman is a size 14,

36
00:01:52,145 --> 00:01:54,646
the same size
as Marilyn Monroe.

37
00:01:56,283 --> 00:01:57,849
¶ I feel alive ¶

38
00:01:57,851 --> 00:01:59,117
¶ I feel alive ¶

39
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:01,753
¶ And I am beautiful ¶

40
00:02:01,755 --> 00:02:04,689
¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

41
00:02:04,691 --> 00:02:06,758
Ninety-six percent
of American girls

42
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,927
say they feel bad
about themselves

43
00:02:08,929 --> 00:02:11,263
because they don't look
like a supermodel.

44
00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:13,698
¶ I am beautiful ¶

45
00:02:16,603 --> 00:02:18,703
¶ I am beautiful ¶

46
00:02:18,705 --> 00:02:20,839
There are
three billion women on earth

47
00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:25,010
and 100 of them
are supermodels,

48
00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:28,780
which makes supermodels
the rarest of genetic freaks.

49
00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:31,650
¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

50
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:34,286
¶ I only wanna be myself ¶

51
00:02:34,288 --> 00:02:35,654
¶ I feel alive ¶

52
00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:38,290
thousands of hermaphrodites,

53
00:02:38,292 --> 00:02:40,258
people with the genitalia
of both sexes.

54
00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:42,727
¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

55
00:02:42,729 --> 00:02:44,963
¶ I'm happy
When I'm just myself ¶

56
00:02:44,965 --> 00:02:46,164
¶ I feel alive ¶

57
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,699
So don't feel bad

58
00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:49,901
you're not a genetic
freak supermodel.

59
00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:52,704
Feel bad you don't have
a penis and a vagina.

60
00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:55,774
Because at least
you had a shot at that one.

61
00:02:57,144 --> 00:02:58,643
All right.

62
00:02:58,645 --> 00:03:01,846
You guys, papers
are due on Friday.

63
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:03,915
Please, I have office hours.

64
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:06,184
My TA, Elise, has office hours.

65
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:07,619
Come to us. I want to help you.

66
00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:09,721
I want you guys
to impress me, okay?

67
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:16,962
It's ironic I teach
Feminist Media in Los Angeles,

68
00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:18,997
the belly
of the entertainment beast.

69
00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:23,635
No real woman can
live up to Hollywood images,

70
00:03:23,637 --> 00:03:25,670
not even the women in them.

71
00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:36,881
I'm not actually fat.
But you can't tell me that.

72
00:03:40,153 --> 00:03:42,954
Even on my wedding day,
when I had lost 15 pounds

73
00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:46,891
and was swimming in my dress,
I didn't feel thin enough.

74
00:03:48,328 --> 00:03:50,128
¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

75
00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:53,732
My whole life
I have had one simple wish.

76
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:56,267
To finally stop obsessing
about my weight.

77
00:03:56,269 --> 00:03:57,702
¶ I feel alive ¶

78
00:03:57,704 --> 00:04:01,106
¶ And I am beautiful ¶

79
00:04:01,108 --> 00:04:03,274
¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

80
00:04:03,276 --> 00:04:05,076
¶ I'm happy... ¶

81
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:07,312
How you choose to
think about a small roll of fat

82
00:04:07,314 --> 00:04:09,147
can change your life.

83
00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:13,351
For me, it all started with
a woman's head between my legs,

84
00:04:13,353 --> 00:04:15,387
but not in a good way.

85
00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:18,323
Hm, you're running out of time

86
00:04:18,325 --> 00:04:21,726
to get these buns
in your oven, cookie.

87
00:04:21,728 --> 00:04:23,762
Statistically speaking,
the day you turn 40,

88
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,296
your chances drop by half.

89
00:04:25,298 --> 00:04:26,898
Boom. Oh.

90
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:28,867
You know,
I called over to the lab

91
00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:31,836
and they haven't received
your husband's sperm yet.

92
00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:35,273
Five more days, we're gonna
have to freeze those eggs.

93
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:36,808
What's his big problem anyway?

94
00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:40,145
He's very busy.
It's pilot season.

95
00:04:40,147 --> 00:04:43,682
Big TV executive can't
find the time to jerk off?

96
00:04:43,684 --> 00:04:45,283
I thought that's what
they're best at.

97
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:46,718
Ha.

98
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,053
Well, you better get a jar

99
00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:50,288
and you better drive it
to the lab yourself.

100
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:51,956
Get on the stick, sister.

101
00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:53,425
Okay, I'll do it.

102
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,030
Who's a good boy?

103
00:04:59,032 --> 00:05:03,068
Come on, buddy, we're gonna
go see Daddy at the office.

104
00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:06,438
Okay, buddy, go kennel.
Oh, he's a good boy.

105
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,707
He's a good boy.
Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.

106
00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:10,208
Good boy, go kennel.

107
00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:12,043
Good boy.

108
00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:13,044
Okay.

109
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:17,015
That's Daddy's sperm.

110
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:19,951
Good boy. Stay.

111
00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:24,222
¶ This is where we decide ¶

112
00:05:24,224 --> 00:05:27,192
¶ To put it all behind ¶

113
00:05:27,194 --> 00:05:31,996
¶ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ¶

114
00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:40,105
You can't just drop by
the office for a jar of sperm.

115
00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:42,440
I'm taking the week off
so that I could get knocked up

116
00:05:42,442 --> 00:05:44,242
and so that I could
neuter the dog.

117
00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:48,880
Why didn't we get
a labradoodle, like I wanted.

118
00:05:48,882 --> 00:05:50,381
Now we've got
this nutless mutt.

119
00:05:50,383 --> 00:05:53,818
Don't call him that.
He can hear you.

120
00:05:53,820 --> 00:05:56,321
Look, honey,
I get that the hormone shots

121
00:05:56,323 --> 00:05:58,056
are making you moody.

122
00:05:58,058 --> 00:05:59,508
Moody?

123
00:05:59,509 --> 00:06:00,959
Do you realize
that I have gained one pound

124
00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:02,494
for every single day this week?

125
00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:03,495
Look, sweetheart.

126
00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:04,996
Mm-hm.

127
00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:07,499
A man in my position
can't just jerk off

128
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:09,501
in an equal opportunity
workplace.

129
00:06:09,503 --> 00:06:10,969
The lawyers told us this.

130
00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:12,871
You have a private bathroom.
What's that for?

131
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:14,472
Michael? It's not for that.

132
00:06:14,474 --> 00:06:16,074
Oh, hey, speak of the devil.

133
00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:17,476
Oh, I'm sorry.

134
00:06:17,477 --> 00:06:18,877
Don't worry.
I was just telling my wife

135
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:20,478
what a great place
this is to work.

136
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:21,880
Hi.

137
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:24,482
You know,
that equal pay for equal work

138
00:06:24,484 --> 00:06:25,484
and blah blah blah.

139
00:06:27,287 --> 00:06:28,520
Jessica's in reality.

140
00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:30,855
Right. We have some
awesome new shows.

141
00:06:30,857 --> 00:06:32,857
We have this one that we call
"Dancing With the Cons."

142
00:06:32,859 --> 00:06:34,125
It's a contest show.

143
00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:35,860
It's convicts
singing and dancing.

144
00:06:35,862 --> 00:06:37,128
And I'm telling you,

145
00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:39,364
these convicts are
surprisingly likeable

146
00:06:39,366 --> 00:06:40,398
and really talented, right?

147
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:41,566
For, like, crooks.

148
00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:43,001
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

149
00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:44,719
Wow.

150
00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:46,436
Well, so,
this has been great, Jessica,

151
00:06:46,439 --> 00:06:50,008
thanks very much
and I'll be with you shortly.

152
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,409
Oh, sure.

153
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:52,411
Sorry.

154
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:53,878
Thanks. Nice to meet you.

155
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:55,480
Nice to meet you.
Super cute dog.

156
00:06:55,482 --> 00:06:57,282
Aw, thank you.

157
00:06:57,284 --> 00:06:58,917
I like his little outfit.

158
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:04,155
She couldn't be more adorable.

159
00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:05,590
Ha. Ha.

160
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:07,525
Wow, they just get younger

161
00:07:07,527 --> 00:07:10,028
every year, don't they?

162
00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:13,965
What's with the cookie
poufed-up fakey lips?

163
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:17,302
Oh, oh, I like 'em.
Fake is the new real.

164
00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:18,903
Really?

165
00:07:18,905 --> 00:07:21,439
You know what, though?
I have been really distracted.

166
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:22,574
I'm sorry.

167
00:07:22,576 --> 00:07:23,575
I know but we have to
focus on this.

168
00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:25,176
This is our life.

169
00:07:25,178 --> 00:07:26,544
No, no, I'm focused.
We have to get this together.

170
00:07:26,546 --> 00:07:27,579
No, no, no, I'm focused.
I'm focused.

171
00:07:27,581 --> 00:07:29,314
When? When, when, when?

172
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:31,950
Well, on Thursday
we have that therapy session
at Beverley Hills.

173
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:34,035
Yes?

174
00:07:34,036 --> 00:07:36,119
I'll go to the clinic
after that and make a
big old deposit, okay?

175
00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:37,121
Promise?

176
00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:38,189
Yeah, bucketful.

177
00:07:38,190 --> 00:07:39,256
Oh, thank you. I love you.

178
00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:40,859
All right.

179
00:07:40,861 --> 00:07:42,594
It's four pounds from today,
but I will take it.

180
00:07:42,596 --> 00:07:44,128
You know what, baby?
On you, it looks good.

181
00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:45,313
No, it does not.

182
00:07:45,314 --> 00:07:46,497
My grab handles right here.

183
00:07:46,499 --> 00:07:48,132
Oh, don't call it that.
I hate that.

184
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:50,614
I got to go. BooBoo, come on.

185
00:07:52,372 --> 00:07:53,905
Yeah, get that dog outta here.

186
00:07:53,907 --> 00:07:55,206
He's a good boy, c'mon.

187
00:07:55,208 --> 00:07:57,909
That is not a good boy.
It's not even a boy.

188
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:08,586
Really, I don't even know why
we're in couples therapy today

189
00:08:08,588 --> 00:08:11,222
'cause we're actually
really happy.

190
00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:13,358
It's just that I'm trying
to get pregnant

191
00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:16,294
and we just sort of thought,
you know, we'd come in

192
00:08:16,296 --> 00:08:19,264
and do a little preventative
something, you know.

193
00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:20,899
I mean, it's not like
we really have any issues.

194
00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:23,134
It's probably
just a waste of time.

195
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:28,006
Well, Suzanne, as you know...

196
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,374
My God. Oh, my God.

197
00:08:29,376 --> 00:08:30,909
You're leaving me.

198
00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:32,176
You're leaving me.
He's leaving me.

199
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:33,544
He's leaving me.
He's leaving me.

200
00:08:33,546 --> 00:08:34,612
He's leaving me.
You're leaving me.

201
00:08:34,614 --> 00:08:36,247
Suzanne, we've talked about

202
00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:39,951
these hormone-induced
mood swings you've been having.

203
00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:41,085
No, no, this is not
a hormone-induced mood swing.

204
00:08:41,087 --> 00:08:42,487
This is how he fires people.

205
00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:43,621
I've heard him do it
on the phone.

206
00:08:43,623 --> 00:08:45,089
He says this phrase,
really calm, like,

207
00:08:45,091 --> 00:08:46,224
"As you know, as you know,

208
00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:47,392
like as you know,
the ratings are bad.

209
00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:48,960
As you know, profits are down,"

210
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,595
and then the poor son-of-a-bitch
that he's firing,

211
00:08:50,597 --> 00:08:52,130
he says it so many times
that at the end of it,

212
00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:53,398
he's, like,
"I know, I know. I know.

213
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:55,033
I know, I know,
I know, I know."

214
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:58,937
Suzanne, please sit down
so we can work through this.

215
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:03,258
Michael.

216
00:09:03,259 --> 00:09:05,276
Michael, would you like to
address what Susan just said?

217
00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:06,277
Yeah, of course.

218
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:07,345
It's Suzanne!

219
00:09:09,115 --> 00:09:10,148
Of course.

220
00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:12,050
Well, I wanted
to harvest the eggs

221
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:13,718
because I'm really
a strategic planner.

222
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:15,253
That's kind of
my number one skill,

223
00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:16,654
although I don't get
any credit for it.

224
00:09:16,656 --> 00:09:19,557
Mm-hm, but what about
what Suzanne just said

225
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,125
about you leaving her?

226
00:09:21,127 --> 00:09:23,261
Could you please address that?

227
00:09:24,597 --> 00:09:25,630
Oh, I'm leaving her.

228
00:09:25,632 --> 00:09:27,098
I decided months ago

229
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:29,000
but that's why I wanted
to freeze the eggs.

230
00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:30,635
I'm really the practical one
in the relationship.

231
00:09:30,637 --> 00:09:32,170
When she goes back
on the marketplace,

232
00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:34,172
then she can either
get fertilized by, you know,

233
00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:36,474
a sperm donor or, you know,
the next partner.

234
00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:38,109
It's really for her.

235
00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:40,478
I realize I'm not gonna get
any credit for that

236
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:42,981
and I'm actually fine
with that.

237
00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:44,682
Suzanne, could you
please sit down again

238
00:09:44,684 --> 00:09:48,286
so we can address this
before we can move on?

239
00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:58,196
Can't cancel me, Michael.

240
00:09:58,198 --> 00:10:01,199
I'm not some death row
talent show.

241
00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:07,171
Oh, my God.
This is making me sick.

242
00:10:07,173 --> 00:10:08,406
Please.

243
00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:09,407
I'm gonna be sick.

244
00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:19,217
You know what?

245
00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:23,087
These hormone injections
were your idea.

246
00:10:23,089 --> 00:10:25,690
You can have the credit.

247
00:10:25,692 --> 00:10:27,191
And you can have the vomit

248
00:10:27,193 --> 00:10:29,560
because I am so
not cleaning that up.

249
00:10:32,732 --> 00:10:34,465
I have to go.

250
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:45,109
All right, then.

251
00:10:45,111 --> 00:10:47,378
Do I really
have to clean this up?

252
00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:50,381
I have a dog.

253
00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:54,285
¶ Hey hey hey ¶

254
00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:56,087
¶ I've been standing here ¶

255
00:10:57,123 --> 00:10:59,090
¶ Since you left me ¶

256
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:02,260
Hi. Suzanne Nicholson?

257
00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:03,094
Yeah.

258
00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:05,129
Happy 40th birthday!

259
00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:06,397
Just need you to sign
right there.

260
00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:08,099
figure out
it was my birthday.

261
00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:09,133
There you go.

262
00:11:09,135 --> 00:11:10,568
Okay. Geez, that's funny.

263
00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:12,703
I just don't know who would
send me something like that.

264
00:11:12,705 --> 00:11:14,205
From your husband.

265
00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:15,606
What?

266
00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:21,212
Okay, that's weird because
we've had kind of a rough week

267
00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:23,247
so I'm surprised
that he would...

268
00:11:23,249 --> 00:11:24,849
It's not that weird.
You've been served.

269
00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:28,352
¶ Hey hey hey ¶

270
00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:34,425
¶ I'm feeling too old to
Still be wishing on you ¶

271
00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:35,893
¶ Hey hey ¶

272
00:11:35,894 --> 00:11:37,360
Look, you did sign a prenup

273
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:39,831
but I'm confident
I can get you some more.

274
00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:41,466
I don't want his money.

275
00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:44,335
I just-Jesus.

276
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,138
I make my own money.

277
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,539
That's why
I'm on the tenure track

278
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:50,808
and it's not a ton of money
but it's enough.

279
00:11:50,810 --> 00:11:52,610
I'm gonna be fine.

280
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:56,481
You can't be serious about
giving up the house, though?

281
00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:01,319
All I want is the dog.

282
00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:02,720
And trust me,
he's not gonna want that

283
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:04,589
because it's not
a frigging labradoodle

284
00:12:04,591 --> 00:12:07,558
which is what he wanted.

285
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:11,429
I just... I swear to God
I thought I had, like,

286
00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:14,365
you know, like,
an M&M in here or maybe,

287
00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:16,667
like, a Hershey's Kiss
left over from Halloween.

288
00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:18,503
I just...

289
00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:19,737
You know what?

290
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:22,306
You guys should just
serve chocolate.

291
00:12:22,308 --> 00:12:25,176
You should have
big bowls of M&Ms.

292
00:12:25,178 --> 00:12:26,911
I don't get the feeling
you're paying attention.

293
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:30,748
Or squeeze bottles
of Hershey syrup.

294
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:31,883
People could just do 'em
like shooters.

295
00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:33,451
That would work.

296
00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:35,887
It's inhumane what you people
are doing here.

297
00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:37,889
It's like you're running
an emergency room

298
00:12:37,891 --> 00:12:39,690
without morphine.

299
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,227
A-ha! Yes!

300
00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:46,831
M&M.

301
00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:50,468
All right, there's lint.
There's lint in there.

302
00:12:50,470 --> 00:12:52,637
There's something
I need to tell you and...

303
00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:54,572
I thought I had a Dove Bar.

304
00:12:54,574 --> 00:12:56,908
I hate that I'm the one
to have to say these words.

305
00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:59,243
Ah, you know what?
Let me guess.

306
00:12:59,245 --> 00:13:02,480
He's sleeping with
somebody else, right?

307
00:13:05,418 --> 00:13:06,784
Hey, Suzanne,

308
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,786
I wanted you
to hear this from me.

309
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,521
I'm getting married to Jessica.

310
00:13:10,523 --> 00:13:13,658
You met her.
Oh, and also, she's pregnant.

311
00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:15,293
Okay, bye.

312
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,728
Sherry, who's on 3?
I thought we were...

313
00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:18,896
When you met her, he said,

314
00:13:18,898 --> 00:13:20,765
"Jessica,
I'll be with you shortly."

315
00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:21,933
And now he is.

316
00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:23,467
Exactly right.

317
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:31,342
She's got those fake poufy
Angelina husband-stealing lips.

318
00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:34,612
Those are the lips
that launched a thousand lips.

319
00:13:34,614 --> 00:13:36,214
Ohh...

320
00:13:44,891 --> 00:13:47,825
I tell you what the
worst thing about all this is.

321
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,827
Michael ends up being right.

322
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:52,230
I'm glad I have these
stupid frozen eggs.

323
00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:53,497
I'm always happy

324
00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:55,466
when I have something
in the freezer, you know?

325
00:13:55,468 --> 00:13:57,702
A bean burrito,
my genetic materials,

326
00:13:57,704 --> 00:13:58,936
it's all good.

327
00:13:58,938 --> 00:14:01,005
Right, if your life
was a romantic comedy,

328
00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:03,441
who would your sexy
sperm donor be?

329
00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:05,210
Hm, good one.

330
00:14:05,211 --> 00:14:06,978
Oh, your dog gets sick
and we go to the vet

331
00:14:06,980 --> 00:14:10,881
and your vet is smokin'.

332
00:14:10,883 --> 00:14:12,016
Vets are hot. Yeah.

333
00:14:12,018 --> 00:14:13,317
Only problem is
I have a female vet

334
00:14:13,319 --> 00:14:14,685
so I'd have to get a male vet

335
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:16,787
and I've got to get him
to masturbate into a jar.

336
00:14:16,789 --> 00:14:19,724
It's very, very complicated.

337
00:14:19,726 --> 00:14:20,725
Why am I smoking?

338
00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:21,959
I don't know.

339
00:14:21,961 --> 00:14:23,261
I don't even know how to smoke.

340
00:14:23,263 --> 00:14:25,263
Look at me. I'm like a child.

341
00:14:25,265 --> 00:14:29,600
I'll tell you what,
I have not smoked in 10 years.

342
00:14:29,602 --> 00:14:32,270
I've not had sex with strangers
in 10 years.

343
00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:36,040
And all I really want to do
is eat.

344
00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:38,576
I so could not get through this
without chocolate.

345
00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:40,044
We are getting you chocolate,
sister.

346
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:41,479
Hang on.

347
00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:43,281
¶ I don't know where to go ¶

348
00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:45,049
¶ Or how to get to the place ¶

349
00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:48,019
¶ We go to when we get
Off the metro ¶

350
00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:50,488
¶ And turn left ¶

351
00:14:54,027 --> 00:14:58,863
¶ I don't know why
He does these things ¶

352
00:15:00,933 --> 00:15:05,670
¶ I don't know why
You go with him ¶

353
00:15:07,774 --> 00:15:10,441
¶ All the time ¶

354
00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:16,847
¶ All the time ¶

355
00:15:27,994 --> 00:15:31,429
¶ If you don't
Want to unleash ¶

356
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:34,065
¶ This bitch that's in me ¶

357
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:35,466
¶ Stay away then ¶

358
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:36,634
¶ Stay away then ¶

359
00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:37,752
¶ Stay away ¶

360
00:15:37,753 --> 00:15:38,869
Okay, if I find out

361
00:15:38,871 --> 00:15:40,504
you are breastfeeding that dog,

362
00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:43,007
I am so having an intervention.

363
00:15:43,009 --> 00:15:44,675
Please, just move in.

364
00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:46,944
You don't have room
for me, Kim.

365
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,612
We have the nanny's room.

366
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:50,548
Where's Inga
supposed to sleep?

367
00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:52,634
Inga is gone.

368
00:15:52,635 --> 00:15:54,719
She joined the Army
and I'm not even kidding.

369
00:15:54,721 --> 00:15:57,355
Apparently,
Afghanistan is a cakewalk

370
00:15:57,357 --> 00:15:58,889
compared to
dealing with my kids.

371
00:15:58,891 --> 00:16:00,458
Wow.

372
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,593
We don't want
a live-in nanny.

373
00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:06,764
We want a live-in divorced lady
and her de-balled dog.

374
00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:08,132
So where are you anyway?

375
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:14,438
I am sitting in
my $400 baby jogger with BooBoo,

376
00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:15,639
trying to teach him
how to like it

377
00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:17,641
so that we can go jogging
together.

378
00:16:17,643 --> 00:16:20,478
Okay, that's it.
You're moving in.

379
00:16:21,881 --> 00:16:22,980
Honey, I had to.

380
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:24,515
I love Suzanne. She's family.

381
00:16:24,517 --> 00:16:28,018
I know, she's got her dog
in a baby stroller.

382
00:16:30,623 --> 00:16:32,690
We're getting a divorce.

383
00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,125
He gets the house

384
00:16:34,126 --> 00:16:35,559
and I get the coffee shop,
I guess.

385
00:16:35,561 --> 00:16:36,527
Wow.

386
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,430
I hope you guys can stay
friends, you know.

387
00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:42,900
You're both really nice people.

388
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,002
He cheated on me.

389
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,638
I never liked him.

390
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,573
Wish you would have
said something.

391
00:16:49,575 --> 00:16:51,442
I should have said something.

392
00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:53,644
You know what? That's on me.

393
00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:55,679
I will not let you
pay for that.

394
00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:57,548
Jarod, I can't
accept a free latté

395
00:16:57,550 --> 00:16:59,450
just because my husband
cheated on me.

396
00:16:59,452 --> 00:17:03,754
Seriously, okay?
I have to redeem my gender.

397
00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:06,056
Also, you have a
,

398
00:17:06,058 --> 00:17:08,793
you have a little thing.

399
00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:10,528
Oh, God.

400
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:13,631
Michael never tells me when
I have a chocolate moustache.

401
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:15,166
Or when he's impregnating
his co-workers.

402
00:17:16,169 --> 00:17:17,768
Sorry.

403
00:17:17,770 --> 00:17:21,038
That might have been
more than you wanted to know.

404
00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:26,877
When discussing
the airbrushed women in ads,

405
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:29,713
my favorite quote is from
Cindy Crawford who said,

406
00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:32,149
"Even I don't look like
Cindy Crawford in the morning."

407
00:17:33,186 --> 00:17:34,852
In a recent survey,

408
00:17:34,854 --> 00:17:38,189
69% of women say
they'd rather lose weight

409
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:40,825
than fall in love
or get a raise.

410
00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:45,896
I try to teach you guys
to ignore ad images

411
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:47,598
but I'm a hypocrite.

412
00:17:48,968 --> 00:17:51,035
This stuff gets to me too.

413
00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:06,083
Andrea, be careful.
Don't drop that.

414
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:07,718
Really?

415
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,920
I thought "Fragile" meant
throw it down the stairs.

416
00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:11,789
It's like a Respect Festival.

417
00:18:11,791 --> 00:18:13,791
It's so weird that your nanny
joined the Army.

418
00:18:13,793 --> 00:18:14,792
Oh!

419
00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:15,659
What? I know.

420
00:18:15,661 --> 00:18:18,095
Hey, stop it. Stop it.

421
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,030
Go and stop it.

422
00:18:21,567 --> 00:18:23,834
Go.

423
00:18:23,835 --> 00:18:26,315
Sophie, stay in the yard
but away from me.

424
00:18:27,573 --> 00:18:30,241
If Barnaby knocked up
some skank co-worker,

425
00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:32,877
I would do to him
what the vet did to BooBoo,

426
00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:35,246
only with the pliers
and a butter knife.

427
00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:36,981
Hi, this is not
about you, okay?

428
00:18:36,983 --> 00:18:38,249
This is about me

429
00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:40,618
and how I have to
rethink my entire life.

430
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:41,836
Okay.

431
00:18:41,837 --> 00:18:43,053
You know what you should do?

432
00:18:43,055 --> 00:18:44,822
You should finally
write a book.

433
00:18:44,824 --> 00:18:46,774
Oh. Yes.

434
00:18:46,775 --> 00:18:48,725
Well, you teach, like,
how women are always trying

435
00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:50,861
to live up to
these ridiculous images.

436
00:18:50,863 --> 00:18:52,196
You always say this.
I have no idea why.

437
00:18:52,198 --> 00:18:53,731
I'm an agent.

438
00:18:53,733 --> 00:18:55,966
I think you're interesting
and I could make money.

439
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,601
Ooh, once again, about me. Yay!

440
00:18:57,603 --> 00:18:58,669
Okay, I don't know if
you're ready to hear this

441
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:00,104
but I'm gonna tell you anyway.

442
00:19:00,106 --> 00:19:03,173
You need just to get out there
and find yourself a real man.

443
00:19:03,175 --> 00:19:05,309
I don't want anyone to see
my grab handles

444
00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:07,278
and my muffin top.

445
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,880
I would hurt a puppy
to lose weight.

446
00:19:09,882 --> 00:19:11,248
I would yell at kittens.

447
00:19:12,285 --> 00:19:14,318
I would skin a dolphin.

448
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:15,686
I just-I never thought

449
00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:17,321
that I was gonna
be dating again.

450
00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:18,789
I'm like a born again virgin.

451
00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:20,224
I don't know what to do
on a first date.

452
00:19:20,226 --> 00:19:21,659
Do you have sex? I don't know.

453
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:22,826
No.

454
00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:26,030
It's like first date,
it's like first base.

455
00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:27,232
I never knew that. What is it?

456
00:19:27,233 --> 00:19:28,766
Is that, like,
they touch your boob?

457
00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:32,069
That's... No. It's not boobs.

458
00:19:32,071 --> 00:19:34,271
First base is kissing.

459
00:19:34,273 --> 00:19:35,606
Okay, second base is boobs.

460
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:36,607
I don't think that's right.

461
00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:37,908
Yeah. I mean, you know what?

462
00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:39,643
And we'll check it
on Wikipedia right now.

463
00:19:39,645 --> 00:19:40,911
Yeah, you do check it
'cause you know what?

464
00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:42,580
I bet there's been
sex inflation.

465
00:19:42,582 --> 00:19:43,814
It's probably boob by now.

466
00:19:43,816 --> 00:19:45,082
No. Uh-oh.

467
00:19:45,084 --> 00:19:46,917
Ah, mm-hm.

468
00:19:46,919 --> 00:19:48,586
First base is kissing.

469
00:19:48,588 --> 00:19:49,987
Boob is second base.

470
00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:50,988
Blow jobs are third.

471
00:19:50,990 --> 00:19:52,590
What?

472
00:19:52,592 --> 00:19:55,693
Oh, my God, there's
so much stuff I didn't know.

473
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:56,860
Do you know
what a grand slam is?

474
00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:59,113
No.

475
00:19:59,114 --> 00:20:01,365
Having sex four times with
the same person in one night.

476
00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:03,300
Yeah, ow.

477
00:20:03,302 --> 00:20:04,969
Jeez. Okay.

478
00:20:04,971 --> 00:20:06,203
Do you want to know
what a vagumach is?

479
00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:09,039
No, you need to know this.
What?

480
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:13,210
A vagumach is when your vagina
and your stomach meet up.

481
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:14,612
That's what I have. No, you d...

482
00:20:14,614 --> 00:20:15,980
Look at my vagumach. Agghhh!

483
00:20:15,982 --> 00:20:17,314
That's not a vagumach.

484
00:20:17,316 --> 00:20:18,882
I'm a vagumach. Do you like me?

485
00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:21,285
You shut your vagumach.
That's not a vagumach.

486
00:20:21,287 --> 00:20:22,686
Ooh. And you know what?

487
00:20:22,688 --> 00:20:23,787
When you're out there,

488
00:20:23,789 --> 00:20:26,090
do not let yourself
get pre-issed.

489
00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:27,791
Ohh. Do you wanna know?

490
00:20:27,793 --> 00:20:29,076
Mmm.

491
00:20:29,077 --> 00:20:30,360
Pre-issed is when
they stop moving.

492
00:20:30,363 --> 00:20:31,362
They just fall asleep.

493
00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:32,830
That's happened to me.

494
00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:33,998
It does happen a lot.
I've had that one.

495
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:34,999
It saves energy though.

496
00:20:35,001 --> 00:20:36,281
It's not good.

497
00:20:38,304 --> 00:20:41,772
So many celebrities
come to me for weight loss.

498
00:20:41,774 --> 00:20:44,642
Please, just sit on my balls.

499
00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:54,685
This is the way
nature intended us to sit.

500
00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:56,186
There you are.

501
00:20:56,188 --> 00:21:00,858
Now the key to weight loss
is within our own bodies.

502
00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:05,729
You see, your mind
manufactured your fat.

503
00:21:05,731 --> 00:21:07,665
Well, no, honestly,
I think I manufactured it

504
00:21:07,667 --> 00:21:09,767
with hormone injections
and M&Ms so.

505
00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:11,935
That's a very cute thing to say

506
00:21:11,937 --> 00:21:13,971
but that's something
that your mind is telling you.

507
00:21:13,973 --> 00:21:15,739
No, no, I think
it's my fat telling me.

508
00:21:15,741 --> 00:21:17,341
Oh, really, does your fat talk?

509
00:21:17,343 --> 00:21:18,676
Is your fat

510
00:21:18,678 --> 00:21:20,411
calling you from Mumbai
right now? Uh?

511
00:21:20,413 --> 00:21:21,879
Or is your fat

512
00:21:21,881 --> 00:21:24,381
some good old southern
redneck cracker from Alabama

513
00:21:24,383 --> 00:21:27,451
who's got nothing but time
and liquor on his hands?

514
00:21:27,453 --> 00:21:28,986
Was your fat

515
00:21:28,988 --> 00:21:32,089
one of those chaps who says,
"I'm in hospital,"

516
00:21:32,091 --> 00:21:34,058
instead of "In the hospital,"

517
00:21:34,060 --> 00:21:36,293
'cause it doesn't have time
to say articles

518
00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:39,296
in the middle of a word?

519
00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:41,832
I've no idea
what you're talking...

520
00:21:41,834 --> 00:21:43,434
'Course you don't have
any idea what I'm talking about

521
00:21:43,436 --> 00:21:46,336
but that's because I'm trained
in this profession.

522
00:21:46,338 --> 00:21:47,438
I am at...

523
00:21:48,441 --> 00:21:50,441
A homeostasis, okay?

524
00:21:50,443 --> 00:21:53,877
I'm at my ideal weight
right now.

525
00:21:53,879 --> 00:21:56,747
I'm sorry.

526
00:21:56,749 --> 00:21:58,382
To me... Hmm.

527
00:21:58,384 --> 00:22:02,086
You're just a little bit,
not thin, you know?

528
00:22:02,088 --> 00:22:03,320
I mean, no offense.

529
00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,022
I don't want to
hurt your feelings. I...

530
00:22:05,024 --> 00:22:09,326
I am at my ideal weight
right now.

531
00:22:09,328 --> 00:22:11,195
But you're really not.

532
00:22:11,197 --> 00:22:12,463
Okay, no, no.

533
00:22:12,465 --> 00:22:14,865
What you're mistaking
for too much weight

534
00:22:14,867 --> 00:22:17,000
is actually called soft muscle.

535
00:22:17,002 --> 00:22:18,335
Okay.
See, if I was a woman
right now,

536
00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:19,903
I wouldn't even
be able to menstruate.

537
00:22:19,905 --> 00:22:23,507
My eggs would be all dry
and just refusing to come out.

538
00:22:23,509 --> 00:22:26,276
That's how lean
I really am, right now.

539
00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:29,813
Okay, I just...

540
00:22:29,815 --> 00:22:30,881
You don't have to talk anymore.

541
00:22:30,883 --> 00:22:33,050
Just lift up your shirt.

542
00:22:33,052 --> 00:22:35,319
I want to talk to
that fat of yours face-to-face.

543
00:22:35,321 --> 00:22:36,820
I just don't really...
Just lift it up.

544
00:22:36,822 --> 00:22:38,322
I've seen lots of
this kind of thing.

545
00:22:38,324 --> 00:22:39,523
Oh. Oh, my God.

546
00:22:39,525 --> 00:22:40,924
Oh, Jesus.

547
00:22:40,926 --> 00:22:42,292
I didn't expect to have
that reaction.

548
00:22:42,294 --> 00:22:43,393
I'm sorry. I can put it...

549
00:22:43,395 --> 00:22:45,963
No, no. No, no, it's all good.

550
00:22:45,965 --> 00:22:48,232
Well, look at that,
you have a muffin top.

551
00:22:48,234 --> 00:22:50,334
Hey, there, little muffin top.

552
00:22:50,336 --> 00:22:51,869
How you doing,
little muffin top?

553
00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:53,103
What you got down there?

554
00:22:53,105 --> 00:22:55,105
Is that blueberries
or cranberries in there.

555
00:22:55,107 --> 00:22:56,440
Ohh!

556
00:22:56,442 --> 00:22:57,875
You know, I just
really don't even know

557
00:22:57,877 --> 00:22:59,109
why they have to call it
a muffin top.

558
00:22:59,111 --> 00:23:00,811
I just wish
they'd call it a Satan top.

559
00:23:00,813 --> 00:23:01,945
That's what
it feels like to me.

560
00:23:01,947 --> 00:23:03,881
Fine, fine. Satan top.
Use that.

561
00:23:03,883 --> 00:23:06,483
Look, your mind
created this dis...

562
00:23:06,485 --> 00:23:07,885
please, pull that down.

563
00:23:07,887 --> 00:23:10,988
Your mind,
it created that disgusting

564
00:23:10,990 --> 00:23:13,257
blueberry-filled muffin top.

565
00:23:13,259 --> 00:23:14,258
It is yours to name.

566
00:23:14,260 --> 00:23:15,559
Okay.

567
00:23:15,561 --> 00:23:19,029
I want you to send in
to my lab your stool sample.

568
00:23:19,031 --> 00:23:21,115
Eugh.

569
00:23:21,116 --> 00:23:23,200
And most importantly,
I want you to begin each day

570
00:23:23,202 --> 00:23:27,137
by drinking two fluid ounces
of your own urine.

571
00:23:27,139 --> 00:23:29,373
What? No. Oh, God.

572
00:23:29,375 --> 00:23:30,841
Oh, I can't, I can't,
I can't, no.

573
00:23:30,843 --> 00:23:32,109
Now, look,
it's simple to do this.

574
00:23:32,111 --> 00:23:34,144
All you do, most of my clients
they just take it,

575
00:23:34,146 --> 00:23:35,512
they take the two ounces,

576
00:23:35,513 --> 00:23:36,879
they dump it
in their morning latté,

577
00:23:36,882 --> 00:23:37,981
just chuck it down.

578
00:23:37,983 --> 00:23:39,249
Never even know the difference.

579
00:23:39,251 --> 00:23:41,485
Others make themselves
what they call a "pee tea"

580
00:23:41,487 --> 00:23:44,488
and heat it in the kettle
on that stove.

581
00:23:44,490 --> 00:23:46,924
Because Gandhi
drank his morning pee

582
00:23:46,926 --> 00:23:48,492
every single morning.

583
00:23:48,494 --> 00:23:49,927
Mahatma Gandhi?

584
00:23:49,929 --> 00:23:53,163
Yes, and now think back to
how thin Gandhi was.

585
00:23:53,165 --> 00:23:54,531
Okay.

586
00:23:54,532 --> 00:23:55,898
Hold on. Stay on the ball.

587
00:23:55,901 --> 00:24:01,238
Now, I need you to mail me
your stool sample

588
00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:02,239
in this envelope.

589
00:24:02,241 --> 00:24:03,407
It is self-sealing.

590
00:24:03,409 --> 00:24:06,877
Do not do as many people do
and lick it.

591
00:24:06,879 --> 00:24:09,913
And this, right here,
these are your supplements.

592
00:24:09,915 --> 00:24:11,048
All right. Okay.

593
00:24:11,050 --> 00:24:12,133
I'll do it.

594
00:24:12,134 --> 00:24:13,217
It really was a pleasure
to meet you.

595
00:24:13,219 --> 00:24:15,185
Thank you.
It was so nice-thank you.

596
00:24:15,187 --> 00:24:16,386
I'm truly grateful.

597
00:24:16,388 --> 00:24:18,555
Oh, look, sorry. I'm just not...

598
00:24:18,557 --> 00:24:20,224
I would stand first,
but in my culture,

599
00:24:20,226 --> 00:24:22,626
it's appropriate for women
to stand before men.

600
00:24:22,628 --> 00:24:24,461
Look, I just... I'm not
good at the ball thing but I...

601
00:24:24,463 --> 00:24:25,863
thank you.

602
00:24:25,865 --> 00:24:27,385
Thank you so much.
I'm really grateful.

603
00:24:28,567 --> 00:24:29,600
Mmm.

604
00:24:29,602 --> 00:24:32,035
You will be pretty someday.

605
00:24:35,241 --> 00:24:38,408
It's our new house, buddy.
What do you think?

606
00:24:38,410 --> 00:24:40,010
Want to give Mommy kisses?

607
00:24:40,012 --> 00:24:42,179
BooBoo, give Mommy a kiss.

608
00:24:42,181 --> 00:24:44,348
Oh, there's a kissy.

609
00:24:44,350 --> 00:24:45,949
Oh, not with the tongue.

610
00:24:45,951 --> 00:24:47,217
That's confusing to Mommy.

611
00:24:47,219 --> 00:24:48,285
Oh, yeah.

612
00:24:54,493 --> 00:24:56,293
Come on, you son of a bitch.

613
00:25:10,643 --> 00:25:12,542
Oh, Jesus.

614
00:25:12,544 --> 00:25:16,380
Here, let me. No, no.

615
00:25:16,382 --> 00:25:17,547
I'm so sorry.

616
00:25:17,549 --> 00:25:19,182
That was so weird. I just...

617
00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:22,386
I have this thing where, like,
if I don't see it go in,

618
00:25:22,388 --> 00:25:24,588
I just Gaslight myself,

619
00:25:24,590 --> 00:25:26,456
like this old
black and white movie.

620
00:25:26,458 --> 00:25:30,294
Yeah, where Charles Boyer
tries to make Ingrid Bergman

621
00:25:30,296 --> 00:25:32,195
think she's crazy. Yes.

622
00:25:32,197 --> 00:25:34,298
I love that movie.

623
00:25:34,300 --> 00:25:36,133
Me too.

624
00:25:36,135 --> 00:25:38,035
I thought I was the only person

625
00:25:38,037 --> 00:25:40,938
who Gaslights themselves
at the mailbox.

626
00:25:40,940 --> 00:25:42,372
I totally do that.

627
00:25:42,374 --> 00:25:44,541
It's just some stupid crap
I have to send,

628
00:25:44,543 --> 00:25:46,543
I'm treating it like it's gold.

629
00:25:46,545 --> 00:25:48,545
Did it go in there? Am I crazy?

630
00:25:48,547 --> 00:25:52,015
Yeah, it's just some crap.

631
00:25:55,321 --> 00:25:56,687
Thank you.

632
00:25:56,689 --> 00:25:58,021
You're welcome.

633
00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:00,424
Morning.

634
00:26:00,426 --> 00:26:01,586
See ya.

635
00:26:04,229 --> 00:26:08,031
Decaf, double shot,
no foam, skinny latté

636
00:26:08,033 --> 00:26:10,534
with extra room like
you asked for it three times

637
00:26:10,536 --> 00:26:12,736
even though I heard you
the first time.

638
00:26:12,738 --> 00:26:14,104
Thank you.

639
00:26:19,078 --> 00:26:20,610
Oh no, you don't.
What?
I-what?

640
00:26:20,612 --> 00:26:22,079
I saw what you poured
in that.

641
00:26:22,081 --> 00:26:25,015
That is a decaf, non-fat,
skinny pee pee latté.

642
00:26:25,017 --> 00:26:26,149
How on earth did you even know?

643
00:26:26,151 --> 00:26:27,417
I run a coffee shop
in West L.A.

644
00:26:27,419 --> 00:26:30,287
I see every crazy diet fad
that comes in here

645
00:26:30,289 --> 00:26:32,556
and that Gregory tells people
to spend $300

646
00:26:32,558 --> 00:26:34,191
to drink their own urine?

647
00:26:34,193 --> 00:26:35,425
I mean, no wonder
they lose weight.

648
00:26:35,427 --> 00:26:37,761
They go through the day
too disgusted to eat.

649
00:26:37,763 --> 00:26:39,563
They lose weight?

650
00:26:39,565 --> 00:26:41,498
Seriously, that's all you heard

651
00:26:41,500 --> 00:26:43,066
from what I just said?

652
00:26:43,068 --> 00:26:44,568
All right, I'm gonna
make you another latté.

653
00:26:44,570 --> 00:26:46,203
Look, I... Oh, you know what?

654
00:26:46,205 --> 00:26:48,572
You-that's mine.
You've-that's mine.

655
00:26:48,574 --> 00:26:49,606
Oh, sorry.

656
00:26:49,608 --> 00:26:52,609
Oh, no, wait a minute.
Good news.

657
00:26:52,611 --> 00:26:54,511
We ordered exactly
the same thing.

658
00:26:54,513 --> 00:26:55,746
Here, here's mine.
I didn't touch it.

659
00:26:55,748 --> 00:26:57,314
Take that, we're fixed.

660
00:26:57,316 --> 00:26:59,349
No, it's not fixed
because that's mine

661
00:26:59,351 --> 00:27:00,484
and it's very special.

662
00:27:00,486 --> 00:27:02,019
No, look, it's okay.

663
00:27:02,021 --> 00:27:04,421
I already put my fixings in
so you take that one

664
00:27:04,423 --> 00:27:06,089
and it's a win-win.

665
00:27:06,091 --> 00:27:09,659
It's seriously not a win-win
because it's mine

666
00:27:09,661 --> 00:27:11,094
and I just really would...

667
00:27:11,096 --> 00:27:12,295
I know that we don't
know each other

668
00:27:12,297 --> 00:27:13,764
but I'm just gonna
say something here.

669
00:27:13,766 --> 00:27:16,600
I think I understand
what you're going through.

670
00:27:16,602 --> 00:27:19,102
You are afraid of change, right?

671
00:27:19,104 --> 00:27:20,404
No. Of losing control,

672
00:27:20,406 --> 00:27:24,241
so you fixate on the idea
of ownership of objects.

673
00:27:24,243 --> 00:27:26,309
You know, I'm gonna
do you a favor, okay?

674
00:27:26,311 --> 00:27:29,646
I'm taking your latté
and I'm giving you freedom.

675
00:27:29,648 --> 00:27:32,416
You're gonna thank me, you are.

676
00:27:35,387 --> 00:27:37,087
Oh, mm-mm.

677
00:27:37,089 --> 00:27:39,156
I'm tasting your freedom.

678
00:27:39,158 --> 00:27:41,638
So not my freedom
you're tasting.

679
00:27:47,232 --> 00:27:48,832
Hey, it's Elise.

680
00:27:48,834 --> 00:27:52,102
You have to see
our boss's latest video.

681
00:27:52,104 --> 00:27:54,204
Deborah is so crazy.

682
00:27:54,206 --> 00:27:56,406
Oh, and don't forget,

683
00:27:56,408 --> 00:28:00,644
tonight we have to do
her creepy cable access show.

684
00:28:00,646 --> 00:28:02,813
I really
don't trust a feminist

685
00:28:02,815 --> 00:28:05,115
who wears red lipstick.

686
00:28:05,117 --> 00:28:07,751
Why would you paint an orifice?

687
00:28:07,753 --> 00:28:14,091
And who can take what comes out
of a painted orifice seriously?

688
00:28:14,793 --> 00:28:16,560
Women are manipulated.

689
00:28:16,562 --> 00:28:18,795
man-ipulated.

690
00:28:18,797 --> 00:28:21,131
Think about
the Washington Monument.

691
00:28:21,133 --> 00:28:24,801
Now that's just
an enormous phallus.

692
00:28:24,803 --> 00:28:28,305
If we had
an Eleanor Roosevelt Tunnel,

693
00:28:28,307 --> 00:28:32,642
we would have had
a woman president years ago.

694
00:28:32,644 --> 00:28:34,177
Malibu Beach University,

695
00:28:34,179 --> 00:28:35,445
Women's Studies Department,

696
00:28:35,447 --> 00:28:38,482
presents "Feminist Television."

697
00:28:40,185 --> 00:28:42,653
With today's guests,

698
00:28:42,654 --> 00:28:45,122
actress Marcia Wallace
from "The Simpsons,"

699
00:28:45,124 --> 00:28:48,325
from Project Cover Girl,

700
00:28:48,327 --> 00:28:51,194
and Dr. Suzanne Nicholson.

701
00:28:51,196 --> 00:28:53,130
And our host, department chair,

702
00:28:53,132 --> 00:28:55,832
Dr. Deborah Humpries-Hostetler

703
00:28:55,834 --> 00:28:59,136
bestselling author of
"Aging Gratefully."

704
00:29:00,906 --> 00:29:02,772
And we are back.

705
00:29:02,774 --> 00:29:04,474
Now, ladies,
I would like to ask

706
00:29:04,476 --> 00:29:07,244
how you feel about
the current epidemic

707
00:29:07,246 --> 00:29:10,881
of female self-mutilation
through plastic surgery.

708
00:29:10,883 --> 00:29:13,750
Oh, hon, count me among
the self-mutilators.

709
00:29:13,752 --> 00:29:15,752
See my neck? I hated it.

710
00:29:15,754 --> 00:29:17,654
Had more rings
than an old redwood.

711
00:29:17,656 --> 00:29:19,489
So I went in
and had a nip tuck me

712
00:29:19,491 --> 00:29:20,924
and now I love it.

713
00:29:20,926 --> 00:29:23,693
Well, Marcia,
you are an actress

714
00:29:23,695 --> 00:29:25,295
and obviously you felt pressure

715
00:29:25,297 --> 00:29:27,731
from the male-dominated media.

716
00:29:27,733 --> 00:29:30,467
No, hated my neck
so I fixed it.

717
00:29:30,469 --> 00:29:33,537
As a transgender person,
I've had some work done.

718
00:29:33,539 --> 00:29:35,372
Well, it's all drag
anyway, isn't it?

719
00:29:35,374 --> 00:29:37,440
Amen, sister.

720
00:29:37,442 --> 00:29:38,542
Haaa!

721
00:29:38,544 --> 00:29:40,243
Why don't you tell us
a little more

722
00:29:40,245 --> 00:29:42,212
what you mean when you say,
"It's a drag"?

723
00:29:42,214 --> 00:29:45,248
No, not "a drag."
"Drag," men and women.

724
00:29:45,250 --> 00:29:46,550
We're all drag queens.

725
00:29:46,552 --> 00:29:47,784
Oh.

726
00:29:47,786 --> 00:29:49,286
I mean, come on,
no one's natural.

727
00:29:49,288 --> 00:29:50,854
I don't judge anybody's drag.

728
00:29:50,856 --> 00:29:53,557
True feminism should be
complete control

729
00:29:53,559 --> 00:29:57,494
of your own body whether
it's abortion or Botox.

730
00:29:57,496 --> 00:30:01,765
I am sorry, but that is
a complete insult

731
00:30:01,767 --> 00:30:03,533
to the feminist movement.

732
00:30:03,535 --> 00:30:04,834
I'm sorry.

733
00:30:04,836 --> 00:30:06,903
But do you run
the feminist movement?

734
00:30:06,905 --> 00:30:10,407
Well, my dear,
my books are all about

735
00:30:10,409 --> 00:30:13,910
how the beauty oligarchy
destroys women's self-esteem.

736
00:30:13,912 --> 00:30:15,412
Now I do not color my hair.

737
00:30:15,414 --> 00:30:17,480
I do not wear make-up
and I will never,

738
00:30:17,482 --> 00:30:21,518
ever mutilate myself
with cosmetic surgery.

739
00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:22,703
Oh, I'm sorry, dude.

740
00:30:22,704 --> 00:30:23,887
Just because you wrote a book

741
00:30:23,889 --> 00:30:26,256
automatically makes you
the boss of all of us?

742
00:30:26,258 --> 00:30:27,924
Well, I'm sorry, dude,

743
00:30:27,926 --> 00:30:29,292
but maybe because
you used to be a man

744
00:30:29,294 --> 00:30:30,660
you don't understand.

745
00:30:30,662 --> 00:30:32,996
Oh, that's it,
play the man card with me.

746
00:30:32,998 --> 00:30:34,698
Just because
I used to be a man,

747
00:30:34,700 --> 00:30:38,368
you're gonna use me as
the proverbial bad guy, I see.

748
00:30:38,370 --> 00:30:40,537
You know, I have to say...

749
00:30:40,539 --> 00:30:42,005
Oh, mercy.

750
00:30:42,007 --> 00:30:45,475
Hear that? Cut! Cut! Cut.

751
00:30:45,477 --> 00:30:46,843
'Scuse me!

752
00:30:54,486 --> 00:30:55,852
That Deborah.

753
00:30:55,854 --> 00:30:57,821
It's just, well, the "C" word.

754
00:30:57,823 --> 00:31:00,390
Hey. Closed-minded.

755
00:31:00,392 --> 00:31:03,026
Yeah, that's what
I'm talking about.

756
00:31:03,028 --> 00:31:06,263
Unless she can hear me
'cause I'm super scared of her.

757
00:31:06,265 --> 00:31:08,265
Oh, she can just bite me.

758
00:31:08,267 --> 00:31:09,933
She can just bite me.

759
00:31:09,935 --> 00:31:12,369
Let's talk about
something more cheerful.

760
00:31:12,371 --> 00:31:13,903
Are you seeing anyone yet?

761
00:31:13,905 --> 00:31:15,305
No. No.

762
00:31:15,307 --> 00:31:16,406
Come on, you know what they say

763
00:31:16,408 --> 00:31:17,707
about falling off the horse.

764
00:31:17,709 --> 00:31:20,410
You've got to get back
in the saddle again.

765
00:31:20,412 --> 00:31:21,695
Hah!

766
00:31:21,696 --> 00:31:22,979
I keep telling her
she just has to go out there

767
00:31:22,981 --> 00:31:24,981
and get that first time
over with.

768
00:31:24,983 --> 00:31:27,751
I actually say
that sex after a break-up

769
00:31:27,753 --> 00:31:29,552
is like the first waffle.

770
00:31:29,554 --> 00:31:31,488
You know, if it's no good,
you throw it out.

771
00:31:31,490 --> 00:31:35,058
But it gets the iron ready
for the other waffles.

772
00:31:35,060 --> 00:31:36,626
My iron is ready.

773
00:31:36,628 --> 00:31:39,029
I've been spraying it
with non-stick hormones.

774
00:31:40,565 --> 00:31:42,299
This is probably different

775
00:31:42,301 --> 00:31:44,534
but when I first started taking
hormone therapy,

776
00:31:44,536 --> 00:31:46,903
all of a sudden every man I saw

777
00:31:46,905 --> 00:31:49,539
was, like, ridiculously doable.

778
00:31:49,541 --> 00:31:50,640
Right.

779
00:31:50,642 --> 00:31:52,042
If I were in your shoes,

780
00:31:52,043 --> 00:31:53,443
I'd do it with one of the oh,

781
00:31:53,445 --> 00:31:56,613
5,000 smoking hot young men
on that campus.

782
00:31:56,615 --> 00:31:58,081
A student?

783
00:31:58,082 --> 00:31:59,548
The simple fact is
there is no human

784
00:31:59,551 --> 00:32:01,951
more grateful than
a 20-something-year-old man

785
00:32:01,953 --> 00:32:04,521
you just slept with.

786
00:32:04,523 --> 00:32:06,790
Hey, I got the inside
perspective on that one.

787
00:32:06,792 --> 00:32:07,757
Hello.

788
00:32:10,462 --> 00:32:14,898
Oh, I got a early call
tomorrow, I should go.

789
00:32:14,900 --> 00:32:16,666
My private cell.

790
00:32:16,668 --> 00:32:20,070
If you would like a makeover
for the first waffle,

791
00:32:20,072 --> 00:32:21,071
it's on me.

792
00:32:21,073 --> 00:32:22,405
Thank you.

793
00:32:22,407 --> 00:32:24,887
Yeah!
Waffles for all my friends!

794
00:32:28,046 --> 00:32:30,747
Oh, hon, I don't think
this drinking thing's

795
00:32:30,749 --> 00:32:31,881
gonna work out for you.

796
00:32:32,951 --> 00:32:34,417
Hey, sure.

797
00:32:34,419 --> 00:32:36,586
I've never been
drunk before ever.

798
00:32:38,090 --> 00:32:41,458
My cheeks are so numb.
Are they turning pink?

799
00:32:42,561 --> 00:32:44,828
I found this
awesome dating service

800
00:32:44,830 --> 00:32:46,730
called "It's Just Drinks."

801
00:32:46,732 --> 00:32:47,831
You're not serious?

802
00:32:47,833 --> 00:32:48,998
It is, "It's Just Drinks."

803
00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:51,501
Terrible idea.
It's a great idea.

804
00:32:51,503 --> 00:32:53,636
I already signed us up
and paid for us both.

805
00:32:53,638 --> 00:32:55,839
We are not doing it.
You are married.

806
00:32:55,841 --> 00:32:58,675
Look, I just want to check out
what my current market value is

807
00:32:58,677 --> 00:33:00,977
when I'm not driving
a minivan covered in

808
00:33:00,979 --> 00:33:02,679
"My Little Pony"
stickers, okay?

809
00:33:02,681 --> 00:33:03,980
And Barnaby,
he's super cool with it.

810
00:33:03,982 --> 00:33:05,582
Oh, I'm sure
he's very cool, yeah.

811
00:33:05,584 --> 00:33:08,017
He is super cool with anything
that gets me to shave

812
00:33:08,019 --> 00:33:09,419
above the knee, all right?

813
00:33:09,421 --> 00:33:10,887
Oh, well, that I could believe.

814
00:33:14,493 --> 00:33:19,929
So let's mix, mingle
and remember, it's just drinks.

815
00:33:19,931 --> 00:33:21,664
Ha, ha.

816
00:33:21,666 --> 00:33:23,867
You're a car salesman,
that's awesome.

817
00:33:23,869 --> 00:33:25,135
Good for you.

818
00:33:25,137 --> 00:33:27,437
What will it take
for you to say "Yes"

819
00:33:27,439 --> 00:33:28,805
to sleeping with me tonight?

820
00:33:31,610 --> 00:33:32,609
Huh?

821
00:33:35,179 --> 00:33:37,746
Well, I don't know.
How about a tsunami?

822
00:33:37,749 --> 00:33:39,883
So in addition to running
my own hedge fund,

823
00:33:39,885 --> 00:33:41,785
I am also a plushie.

824
00:33:43,155 --> 00:33:44,621
I don't know what that is.

825
00:33:44,623 --> 00:33:48,625
Oh, I like to dress
in a furry pink rabbit suit

826
00:33:48,627 --> 00:33:53,430
that has a hole cut into it
for my genitalia.

827
00:33:55,801 --> 00:33:56,882
Hah!

828
00:33:58,170 --> 00:34:00,637
Must get cold.

829
00:34:00,639 --> 00:34:03,119
What are you driving
these days?

830
00:34:03,608 --> 00:34:07,577
I'm driving a Ford.
I got to go.

831
00:34:07,579 --> 00:34:09,012
I'll-thank you.
Suzanne sounds European.

832
00:34:09,014 --> 00:34:10,013
You should be
in a European car.

833
00:34:10,015 --> 00:34:11,014
I'm just saying.

834
00:34:11,016 --> 00:34:12,649
Well, thank you.

835
00:34:12,651 --> 00:34:14,731
I'll call you in three years
when my visa's up, okay.

836
00:34:17,088 --> 00:34:18,438
Thank you.

837
00:34:18,439 --> 00:34:19,789
So, how was "It's Just Drinks"?

838
00:34:19,791 --> 00:34:21,958
It was just horrible.

839
00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:22,959
Oh, oh.

840
00:34:24,763 --> 00:34:26,346
I love you so much.

841
00:34:26,347 --> 00:34:27,930
And please, please, please,
don't ever leave me.

842
00:34:27,933 --> 00:34:28,932
Don't ever make me go. I won't.

843
00:34:28,934 --> 00:34:30,033
Oh.

844
00:34:30,035 --> 00:34:31,034
She shaved her legs.

845
00:34:31,036 --> 00:34:33,803
I did. I did. Both of them.

846
00:34:35,540 --> 00:34:36,573
I'm happy for you.

847
00:34:36,575 --> 00:34:37,740
I'll take it.

848
00:34:37,742 --> 00:34:39,642
Mmm, thank you.

849
00:34:39,644 --> 00:34:40,677
You were at my wedding.

850
00:34:40,679 --> 00:34:41,678
You could have said something.

851
00:34:41,680 --> 00:34:43,046
What am I gonna say?

852
00:34:43,048 --> 00:34:46,049
Great dress. Run for your life?

853
00:34:46,051 --> 00:34:48,117
Besides, you loved him.

854
00:34:48,119 --> 00:34:49,118
I know.

855
00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:50,687
You know what?

856
00:34:50,689 --> 00:34:52,055
I am gonna fix you up
with a genuinely good guy.

857
00:34:52,057 --> 00:34:53,623
Ohh. No, no, no.

858
00:34:53,625 --> 00:34:55,959
This guy's new professor
to the department.

859
00:34:55,961 --> 00:34:57,560
He's divorced. He's lovely.

860
00:34:57,562 --> 00:35:00,163
It's not on. He's luh-vely.

861
00:35:00,165 --> 00:35:01,498
Trust me.

862
00:35:01,500 --> 00:35:04,100
I am very good at this.

863
00:35:04,102 --> 00:35:06,936
And besides, he couldn't be
worse than the guy you picked.

864
00:35:06,938 --> 00:35:08,137
You know what?

865
00:35:08,139 --> 00:35:11,708
I just wish I could stop
thinking about them

866
00:35:11,710 --> 00:35:13,710
all the time.
It's all I think about.

867
00:35:15,146 --> 00:35:16,145
Hi.

868
00:35:16,147 --> 00:35:17,814
Oh.

869
00:35:17,816 --> 00:35:22,585
Um, you know, I always
really did admire you.

870
00:35:22,587 --> 00:35:25,588
When I was an undergraduate,
I actually took your class.

871
00:35:25,590 --> 00:35:26,956
Then you took my husband.

872
00:35:26,958 --> 00:35:27,991
Ha, ha.

873
00:35:30,161 --> 00:35:32,295
No, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

874
00:35:32,297 --> 00:35:33,730
Hey, hey.

875
00:35:33,732 --> 00:35:35,598
Cut it out.

876
00:35:37,602 --> 00:35:40,904
Hello? Yeah, no, I'm good.

877
00:35:40,906 --> 00:35:42,539
Did that actually happen?

878
00:35:44,142 --> 00:35:45,141
No.

879
00:35:46,177 --> 00:35:48,044
In my head, it happened.

880
00:35:53,084 --> 00:35:54,817
Well, it should have.

881
00:35:54,819 --> 00:35:59,122
¶ I don't know why
He does these things ¶

882
00:36:00,725 --> 00:36:04,193
Listen, people usually go out
for coffee on a first date

883
00:36:04,195 --> 00:36:05,595
but you and I have had coffee,

884
00:36:05,597 --> 00:36:08,698
like, a ridiculous
amount of times.

885
00:36:08,700 --> 00:36:10,900
Plus, I saved you
from drinking your own pee,

886
00:36:10,902 --> 00:36:13,036
which I think
should count for something.

887
00:36:13,038 --> 00:36:15,772
So I was wondering...

888
00:36:19,678 --> 00:36:22,211
could I cook dinner
for you at my place?

889
00:36:22,213 --> 00:36:23,680
Yeah.  Okay.

890
00:36:23,682 --> 00:36:24,681
Yeah.

891
00:36:24,683 --> 00:36:26,967
Good.

892
00:36:26,968 --> 00:36:29,252
So when
did Jarod start serving waffles

893
00:36:29,254 --> 00:36:31,921
in that coffee shop?

894
00:36:31,923 --> 00:36:33,222
Mmm, first waffle.

895
00:36:33,224 --> 00:36:35,692
- Shut up.
-  He's, like, what? Twelve?

896
00:36:35,694 --> 00:36:37,727
No, I think he's 30.

897
00:36:37,729 --> 00:36:40,163
And I can't believe
you are going to a tranny

898
00:36:40,165 --> 00:36:41,798
for a sex makeover.

899
00:36:41,800 --> 00:36:43,633
Where's Jarod
taking you anyway?

900
00:36:43,635 --> 00:36:44,801
He's making me dinner.

901
00:36:44,803 --> 00:36:46,302
In his Easy-Bake oven?

902
00:36:46,304 --> 00:36:47,870
That is so cute.

903
00:36:47,872 --> 00:36:49,839
Shut up.

904
00:36:54,813 --> 00:36:57,614
Now quality lingerie
is to 40-year-old sex

905
00:36:57,616 --> 00:37:01,317
what MI semiautomatic rifles
were to D-Day.

906
00:37:01,319 --> 00:37:03,019
What?

907
00:37:03,021 --> 00:37:05,788
You can't go in unarmed
and you can't go in naked.

908
00:37:05,790 --> 00:37:08,024
Oh. I love war analogies.

909
00:37:08,026 --> 00:37:09,225
I get it.

910
00:37:09,227 --> 00:37:10,860
Okay. Men.

911
00:37:10,862 --> 00:37:12,829
It's all about
the hair and the boobs.

912
00:37:12,831 --> 00:37:16,099
So whatever you can do
to get your hair big, do it.

913
00:37:16,101 --> 00:37:18,301
Okay. Now, as for the boobs...

914
00:37:18,303 --> 00:37:19,936
Yeah. Same as the hair.

915
00:37:19,938 --> 00:37:21,237
Men like big boobs.

916
00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:22,939
They can never be too big.
Right.

917
00:37:22,941 --> 00:37:25,174
And since you're gonna
keep your bustier on,

918
00:37:25,176 --> 00:37:27,076
we're gonna kick it up a notch.

919
00:37:27,078 --> 00:37:29,112
With these.

920
00:37:29,114 --> 00:37:30,213
Oh, my God.

921
00:37:30,215 --> 00:37:32,715
Chicken cutlets. Hold that.

922
00:37:32,717 --> 00:37:34,384
Let me get these girls in here.

923
00:37:34,386 --> 00:37:35,785
Hello, mama.

924
00:37:37,122 --> 00:37:38,988
Wow. I know.

925
00:37:38,990 --> 00:37:40,156
Ooh, cold.

926
00:37:42,227 --> 00:37:45,128
Ah, I know it's cold,
honey, but look.

927
00:37:45,130 --> 00:37:46,162
Bam!

928
00:37:46,164 --> 00:37:48,765
Maximum firepower right there.

929
00:37:48,767 --> 00:37:50,217
Wow.

930
00:37:50,218 --> 00:37:51,668
Now the reason
I got you in shapewear...

931
00:37:51,670 --> 00:37:52,902
Yeah.
Is to boost your confidence.

932
00:37:52,904 --> 00:37:54,404
Ohh.

933
00:37:54,405 --> 00:37:55,905
You don't like
your tummy or your thighs

934
00:37:55,907 --> 00:37:57,306
so we're gonna
direct him up here

935
00:37:57,308 --> 00:37:58,675
to the girls. Right.

936
00:37:58,677 --> 00:38:00,276
Yo, and the most
important part.

937
00:38:00,278 --> 00:38:01,944
Here you go. Spread 'em.

938
00:38:01,946 --> 00:38:03,780
There's a pee flap pull-out.

939
00:38:03,782 --> 00:38:05,314
Check it out. Okay.

940
00:38:05,316 --> 00:38:06,349
It's very handy.

941
00:38:06,351 --> 00:38:08,418
It's like a puppet.

942
00:38:08,420 --> 00:38:09,819
Hello, I'm old and desperate.

943
00:38:09,821 --> 00:38:12,121
Okay, so if the clothes
are gonna come off...

944
00:38:12,123 --> 00:38:14,023
Okay. Go in the bathroom.

945
00:38:14,025 --> 00:38:15,324
You lose the shapewear.

946
00:38:15,326 --> 00:38:16,359
You've got your underpants
on so you're good.

947
00:38:16,361 --> 00:38:17,860
Right, right.

948
00:38:17,862 --> 00:38:22,231
You check your teeth,
you fluff your hair bigger.

949
00:38:22,233 --> 00:38:24,033
Yeah. And you're gonna be
good to go.

950
00:38:24,035 --> 00:38:26,736
Oh, I dunno.
It's a lot to remember.

951
00:38:26,738 --> 00:38:28,905
I just don't feel
like I can do this.

952
00:38:28,907 --> 00:38:30,239
Well, of course, you can
and you know what?

953
00:38:30,241 --> 00:38:31,741
I made you a checklist.

954
00:38:31,743 --> 00:38:34,444
Do not, I repeat,
do not take off the heels

955
00:38:34,446 --> 00:38:36,446
and do not
take off the bustier.

956
00:38:36,448 --> 00:38:38,014
What if he asks me to?

957
00:38:38,016 --> 00:38:39,916
You tell him no.

958
00:38:39,917 --> 00:38:41,817
Believe me, it's not
a deal-breaker for him.

959
00:38:41,820 --> 00:38:42,901
Bam.

960
00:38:44,856 --> 00:38:46,022
You're really pretty.

961
00:38:46,024 --> 00:38:47,557
Hah.

962
00:38:47,558 --> 00:38:49,091
Do you mind if I say that?

963
00:38:49,094 --> 00:38:50,126
No.

964
00:39:00,138 --> 00:39:02,271
Oh, I-sorry, I have to,

965
00:39:02,273 --> 00:39:03,773
uh, just have to go
to the bathroom.

966
00:39:03,775 --> 00:39:06,042
Oh. Okay. It's right there.

967
00:39:06,044 --> 00:39:08,344
Need to take my purse
for girlie stuff.

968
00:39:08,346 --> 00:39:10,913
Take your purse.

969
00:39:16,454 --> 00:39:19,455
¶ A little spark ¶

970
00:39:19,457 --> 00:39:24,227
¶ A smile and then a look ¶

971
00:39:24,229 --> 00:39:27,096
¶ You caught my eye ¶

972
00:39:27,098 --> 00:39:30,233
¶ And that was all it took ¶

973
00:39:35,240 --> 00:39:36,372
Oh, jeez.

974
00:39:48,820 --> 00:39:50,920
Oh, my God!

975
00:40:05,136 --> 00:40:06,202
Hey!

976
00:40:06,204 --> 00:40:07,937
Go away.

977
00:40:07,939 --> 00:40:09,939
Are you okay?
Yeah. No, I'm good.

978
00:40:09,941 --> 00:40:12,241
I'll just be out in one second.

979
00:40:19,017 --> 00:40:20,149
Do you need anything or...

980
00:40:20,151 --> 00:40:21,317
No, I'm good.

981
00:40:21,319 --> 00:40:23,085
I'll just... just two seconds.

982
00:40:23,087 --> 00:40:24,127
Sorry.

983
00:40:29,394 --> 00:40:30,475
It's fine.

984
00:40:32,897 --> 00:40:36,332
¶ I can't get enough ¶

985
00:40:36,334 --> 00:40:40,036
¶ It all just seems so nice ¶

986
00:40:40,038 --> 00:40:45,975
¶ It all sure feels good
To be alive ¶

987
00:40:48,913 --> 00:40:50,446
Oh, my God.

988
00:41:03,094 --> 00:41:04,093
Agh!

989
00:41:04,095 --> 00:41:06,996
Oh, God, oh,
there's something...

990
00:41:06,998 --> 00:41:09,498
It's a hair thing. I got it.

991
00:41:09,500 --> 00:41:10,499
Let me get it.
I got it, I got it.

992
00:41:10,501 --> 00:41:12,034
Okay. I got it.

993
00:41:12,036 --> 00:41:15,471
It's a Bumpit.
It's a hair thing.

994
00:41:15,473 --> 00:41:18,140
It's for making my hair big.

995
00:41:18,142 --> 00:41:19,475
Oh. Thank you.

996
00:41:19,477 --> 00:41:20,977
I'm so sorry.
Cool. It's like a hair toy.

997
00:41:20,979 --> 00:41:22,645
That's fine. It's weird.

998
00:41:22,647 --> 00:41:24,914
It's not weird. It's all right.

999
00:41:26,017 --> 00:41:27,416
Hey, let's take this off.

1000
00:41:27,418 --> 00:41:28,451
No! No.

1001
00:41:28,453 --> 00:41:29,452
Okay.

1002
00:41:29,454 --> 00:41:30,453
I'm sorry.

1003
00:41:30,455 --> 00:41:31,988
Is that weird?

1004
00:41:31,990 --> 00:41:33,890
I would rather...
It's fine. No, I like it.

1005
00:41:33,892 --> 00:41:35,412
Really? Yeah, yeah.

1006
00:41:43,401 --> 00:41:44,400
Mmm.

1007
00:41:49,374 --> 00:41:50,339
Oh, my God.

1008
00:41:53,611 --> 00:41:54,911
Do you mind...
let's go under the covers.

1009
00:41:54,913 --> 00:41:56,345
I'm really, really cold, okay?

1010
00:41:56,347 --> 00:41:57,346
Okay.

1011
00:41:58,983 --> 00:42:00,049
Oh!

1012
00:42:00,051 --> 00:42:01,183
Oh, God.

1013
00:42:01,185 --> 00:42:02,451
What? What? What?

1014
00:42:02,453 --> 00:42:04,086
Shh, get out. Get out of there.

1015
00:42:04,088 --> 00:42:05,254
There's something
might be alive in there.

1016
00:42:05,256 --> 00:42:06,622
What?

1017
00:42:06,624 --> 00:42:09,525
There's something
that might be alive. Shh!

1018
00:42:09,527 --> 00:42:11,394
What is it?

1019
00:42:17,669 --> 00:42:19,535
Oh, God!

1020
00:42:19,537 --> 00:42:21,604
Shit! Oh, God.

1021
00:42:21,606 --> 00:42:22,672
Jesus, hold on, hold on.

1022
00:42:22,674 --> 00:42:24,507
Shh. What is it?

1023
00:42:25,643 --> 00:42:27,243
Oh, God.

1024
00:42:27,245 --> 00:42:28,611
What is it?

1025
00:42:28,613 --> 00:42:31,414
It's a boob thing.
It's my boob thing.

1026
00:42:31,416 --> 00:42:33,149
I just-ohh.

1027
00:42:33,151 --> 00:42:34,583
Wait, what are you... what's...

1028
00:42:34,585 --> 00:42:36,218
It's a fake boob thing.
I wear it and I...

1029
00:42:36,220 --> 00:42:37,553
Why do you have
a fake boob thing?

1030
00:42:37,555 --> 00:42:39,221
Your boobs look awesome.
Stupid.

1031
00:42:39,223 --> 00:42:40,690
God, I'm an idiot.

1032
00:42:40,692 --> 00:42:42,458
You know what? I'm just...

1033
00:42:42,460 --> 00:42:43,526
I'm just not ready for this.

1034
00:42:43,528 --> 00:42:47,096
I just feel stupid and old.

1035
00:42:48,466 --> 00:42:50,299
You're not old.

1036
00:42:50,301 --> 00:42:53,602
Hey, you don't need
all this shit.

1037
00:42:53,604 --> 00:42:56,038
I mean, it's... I liked it.

1038
00:42:56,040 --> 00:42:57,573
I mean, it's actually
pretty cool but...

1039
00:42:57,575 --> 00:42:59,041
it's kind of nice.

1040
00:42:59,043 --> 00:43:02,178
It just... it freaked me out.

1041
00:43:02,180 --> 00:43:03,379
It felt like an alien heart.

1042
00:43:06,317 --> 00:43:07,333
I'm sorry.

1043
00:43:07,334 --> 00:43:08,350
I just... you know what it is?

1044
00:43:08,353 --> 00:43:12,221
I just really
have not had sex with anyone

1045
00:43:12,223 --> 00:43:16,292
except my husband
for, like, a decade.

1046
00:43:16,294 --> 00:43:18,461
My ex-husband,

1047
00:43:18,463 --> 00:43:19,495
my ex-husband.

1048
00:43:23,735 --> 00:43:26,302
Hey, I have an idea.

1049
00:43:26,304 --> 00:43:27,570
What?

1050
00:43:27,572 --> 00:43:30,052
Shut up. Just lie down.

1051
00:43:31,476 --> 00:43:33,743
Just stay there.

1052
00:43:35,079 --> 00:43:37,546
Oh, you know what?
You don't have to.

1053
00:43:37,548 --> 00:43:41,484
Shh. I like it, okay?

1054
00:43:41,486 --> 00:43:45,087
Actually, I love it.

1055
00:43:45,089 --> 00:43:47,123
And I'm really good at it.

1056
00:43:47,125 --> 00:43:50,493
Like, really good at it.
So just relax.

1057
00:43:57,769 --> 00:44:01,537
Oh, yes, you are.

1058
00:44:01,539 --> 00:44:03,806
He did a sacrifice fly?

1059
00:44:03,808 --> 00:44:05,107
What?

1060
00:44:05,109 --> 00:44:08,377
You know, he just did you.

1061
00:44:12,450 --> 00:44:14,383
Yeah? I reciprocated.

1062
00:44:14,385 --> 00:44:15,618
Ah, yes.

1063
00:44:15,620 --> 00:44:18,454
An inside-the-park home run.

1064
00:44:18,456 --> 00:44:19,789
Give it, c'mon, give it.

1065
00:44:19,791 --> 00:44:21,290
Good for you.

1066
00:44:21,292 --> 00:44:22,558
Oh, God.

1067
00:44:24,295 --> 00:44:27,363
See, wasn't that a good idea?

1068
00:44:27,365 --> 00:44:28,597
Yes. Thank you.

1069
00:44:28,599 --> 00:44:30,699
It was. Thank you very much.

1070
00:44:30,701 --> 00:44:33,769
Did he want to
snuggle after?

1071
00:44:33,771 --> 00:44:35,104
He wanted to snuggle with me

1072
00:44:35,106 --> 00:44:37,673
and one stuffed animal.

1073
00:44:37,675 --> 00:44:38,808
'Cause he's a big boy now.

1074
00:44:38,810 --> 00:44:39,842
the other one.

1075
00:44:39,844 --> 00:44:41,510
He's a big boy now.

1076
00:44:41,512 --> 00:44:42,645
Hey! Mm?

1077
00:44:42,647 --> 00:44:44,246
You want to go get
some ice cream?

1078
00:44:44,248 --> 00:44:46,315
Ye-es!
I have some in my freezer.

1079
00:44:46,317 --> 00:44:48,350
Sweet. Let's go, let's go.

1080
00:44:48,352 --> 00:44:50,832
I hope you like
mint chocolate chip.

1081
00:44:53,291 --> 00:44:55,458
So we'll have to call it
an early night.

1082
00:44:55,460 --> 00:44:57,293
I got finals.

1083
00:44:57,295 --> 00:44:59,695
You're not a student.
What are you talking about?

1084
00:44:59,697 --> 00:45:01,363
I'm getting my MBA

1085
00:45:01,365 --> 00:45:03,799
through Malibu Beach Extension
and stuff.

1086
00:45:03,801 --> 00:45:05,134
Really?

1087
00:45:08,773 --> 00:45:11,140
Hey, are you, like,
a big fan of that actress,

1088
00:45:11,142 --> 00:45:12,374
Marcia Wallace?

1089
00:45:12,376 --> 00:45:15,177
I mean, sort of,
she's my mom, so.

1090
00:45:16,481 --> 00:45:17,813
Seriously? Yeah.

1091
00:45:17,815 --> 00:45:19,348
God, that's funny.

1092
00:45:19,350 --> 00:45:21,117
She actually told me
to sleep with a student.

1093
00:45:21,119 --> 00:45:23,719
She probably didn't mean you.

1094
00:45:23,721 --> 00:45:24,753
My mom said that?

1095
00:45:24,755 --> 00:45:26,455
Yeah. Funny, ain't it?

1096
00:45:29,727 --> 00:45:31,093
Mm-hm.

1097
00:45:31,094 --> 00:45:32,460
Jarod, you home?

1098
00:45:32,463 --> 00:45:33,743
Oh, hi, doll.

1099
00:45:37,468 --> 00:45:38,667
Hi.

1100
00:45:38,669 --> 00:45:41,871
Well, now, isn't this awkward?

1101
00:45:41,873 --> 00:45:43,239
Are you serious?

1102
00:45:43,241 --> 00:45:44,340
Yes.

1103
00:45:44,341 --> 00:45:45,440
Okay, but then what happened?

1104
00:45:45,443 --> 00:45:48,911
Oh, God,
then she yelled at me.

1105
00:45:48,913 --> 00:45:50,579
It was her idea.

1106
00:45:54,252 --> 00:45:55,684
Yeah, you're right.
I would've killed you too.

1107
00:45:55,686 --> 00:45:56,886
Yeah.

1108
00:45:56,888 --> 00:45:59,188
I wish she would have
killed me.

1109
00:45:59,190 --> 00:46:00,923
I'm probably
gonna go get changed.

1110
00:46:00,925 --> 00:46:02,291
I would. Yeah.

1111
00:46:02,293 --> 00:46:03,926
Thank you so much.
I'm so sorry.

1112
00:46:03,928 --> 00:46:07,163
I just-I gotta go.

1113
00:46:07,165 --> 00:46:08,931
Not another word.

1114
00:46:08,933 --> 00:46:10,232
I hope you can go out
with him again,

1115
00:46:10,234 --> 00:46:12,368
unless he's grounded.

1116
00:46:12,370 --> 00:46:13,502
He's grounded.

1117
00:46:13,504 --> 00:46:14,904
He could get grounded.

1118
00:46:14,906 --> 00:46:16,605
He could get grounded.

1119
00:46:18,943 --> 00:46:20,242
God.

1120
00:46:20,244 --> 00:46:22,344
It's like a horror movie.

1121
00:46:22,346 --> 00:46:24,713
"Revenge of the Chocolate"
or something.

1122
00:46:30,254 --> 00:46:31,720
¶ Muffin top muffin top ¶

1123
00:46:31,722 --> 00:46:33,522
¶ You've got a muffin top ¶

1124
00:46:33,524 --> 00:46:35,491
¶ Muffin top ¶

1125
00:46:35,493 --> 00:46:36,725
¶ Ba-dum-bum-bum ¶

1126
00:46:36,727 --> 00:46:38,260
¶ Muffin top muffin top ¶

1127
00:46:38,262 --> 00:46:39,428
¶ You've got a muffin top ¶

1128
00:46:39,430 --> 00:46:41,664
That's it. You are so fired.

1129
00:46:46,504 --> 00:46:47,503
I gotta go.

1130
00:46:47,505 --> 00:46:48,504
Okay. I'll see you.

1131
00:46:48,506 --> 00:46:51,591
Bye, honey.

1132
00:46:51,592 --> 00:46:54,677
Ooh, remember, don't knock up
the co-workers.

1133
00:46:54,679 --> 00:46:55,678
Don't worry.

1134
00:46:55,680 --> 00:46:57,446
Okay.

1135
00:46:57,448 --> 00:46:58,280
Bye.

1136
00:46:58,282 --> 00:47:00,762
Bye. See you soon.

1137
00:47:03,421 --> 00:47:05,638
Okay.

1138
00:47:05,639 --> 00:47:07,856
I'm getting liposuction.

1139
00:47:07,858 --> 00:47:11,961
I know it's stupid.
I know I don't need it.

1140
00:47:11,963 --> 00:47:15,598
I just want it. I just want it.

1141
00:47:15,600 --> 00:47:18,734
I want it the way
a middle aged man

1142
00:47:18,736 --> 00:47:20,769
wants a Mercedes Benz.

1143
00:47:22,740 --> 00:47:24,240
So what do you think?

1144
00:47:25,376 --> 00:47:28,344
You had me at
"I'm getting liposuction."

1145
00:47:30,848 --> 00:47:32,715
SUZANNE Did you get my message?

1146
00:47:32,717 --> 00:47:40,623
I just want to do the Angelina
husband-stealing lip pouf.

1147
00:47:40,625 --> 00:47:41,890
All right.

1148
00:47:41,892 --> 00:47:43,592
I read this in Wikipedia.

1149
00:47:43,594 --> 00:47:46,362
You can take the fat
that you are gonna take

1150
00:47:46,364 --> 00:47:47,863
directly out of my butt...

1151
00:47:47,865 --> 00:47:49,031
Uh-hm.

1152
00:47:49,033 --> 00:47:51,600
And you can put it
into my lips.

1153
00:47:51,602 --> 00:47:57,606
So people can actually
kiss my ass.

1154
00:47:59,209 --> 00:48:00,809
Okay, so what's happening now
is the meds are kicking in.

1155
00:48:00,811 --> 00:48:01,944
I feel good.

1156
00:48:01,946 --> 00:48:03,545
I can see that.
That's wonderful.

1157
00:48:03,547 --> 00:48:04,947
You know, we're not
gonna have this conversation,

1158
00:48:04,949 --> 00:48:06,482
though, about...
Can we please just do it?

1159
00:48:06,484 --> 00:48:07,650
I'm here.
No, we can't please do it.

1160
00:48:07,652 --> 00:48:09,285
I will give you money.

1161
00:48:09,287 --> 00:48:10,686
We're not gonna have the
conversation about, you know,

1162
00:48:10,688 --> 00:48:12,354
what procedures
we're gonna do or not gonna do.

1163
00:48:12,356 --> 00:48:13,355
We're not gonna do that
right now.

1164
00:48:13,357 --> 00:48:15,491
Did I tell you

1165
00:48:15,493 --> 00:48:18,661
that the woman
that stole my husband

1166
00:48:21,432 --> 00:48:27,770
has those lips, those...
they're beautiful.

1167
00:48:27,772 --> 00:48:28,971
Okay.

1168
00:48:28,973 --> 00:48:31,006
I'm gonna give you
a temporary injection

1169
00:48:31,008 --> 00:48:32,775
into your lips of saline.

1170
00:48:32,777 --> 00:48:36,045
That is going to give you
the pouf
that you're talking about.

1171
00:48:36,047 --> 00:48:37,780
Thank you. It's temporary.

1172
00:48:42,053 --> 00:48:43,553
Is that my fat?

1173
00:48:43,554 --> 00:48:45,054
- It is your fat, yes.
- Ahh!

1174
00:48:45,056 --> 00:48:48,457
Say goodbye.
Wave goodbye to your fat.

1175
00:48:48,459 --> 00:48:49,725
- It's yellow.
- Yes, it is.

1176
00:48:49,727 --> 00:48:51,360
It's like butter. Yeah.

1177
00:48:51,362 --> 00:48:54,563
Which is perfect because
that's where I got it.

1178
00:48:54,565 --> 00:48:55,397
Mm-hm.

1179
00:48:55,399 --> 00:48:57,533
Can I keep my fat?

1180
00:48:57,535 --> 00:48:59,101
Can I keep it?

1181
00:48:59,102 --> 00:49:00,668
Suzanne, if you sign a release,

1182
00:49:00,671 --> 00:49:02,004
I will give you your fat.

1183
00:49:02,006 --> 00:49:03,539
Oh, thank you.

1184
00:49:03,541 --> 00:49:05,341
'Cause, God knows,
it is your fat.

1185
00:49:05,343 --> 00:49:07,109
Thank you. Thank you.

1186
00:49:07,111 --> 00:49:08,510
Yeah, keep your hands down.

1187
00:49:08,512 --> 00:49:10,992
That face mask
looks so pretty on you.

1188
00:49:15,586 --> 00:49:17,486
All right, pretty lady,
we're home.

1189
00:49:17,488 --> 00:49:18,420
C'mon.

1190
00:49:18,422 --> 00:49:20,989
We're home? Yeah, come on.

1191
00:49:20,991 --> 00:49:21,990
Come on.

1192
00:49:23,427 --> 00:49:24,426
Come on, BooBoo.

1193
00:49:24,428 --> 00:49:26,962
Yeah, hi, BooBoo.

1194
00:49:26,964 --> 00:49:29,498
Yeah.

1195
00:49:29,500 --> 00:49:30,599
Okay.

1196
00:49:30,601 --> 00:49:32,067
Okay, okay, okay.

1197
00:49:32,069 --> 00:49:34,002
Do not drop that.

1198
00:49:34,004 --> 00:49:35,571
It's my fat. All right.

1199
00:49:35,573 --> 00:49:36,672
I made it.

1200
00:49:36,674 --> 00:49:37,873
I know you made it.

1201
00:49:37,875 --> 00:49:38,907
And you know what?

1202
00:49:38,909 --> 00:49:39,975
Do we need to bring it inside?

1203
00:49:39,977 --> 00:49:41,977
I don't... no, no, no.

1204
00:49:41,979 --> 00:49:43,679
Aghh! Okay.

1205
00:49:44,682 --> 00:49:46,882
Oh, yeah, you showed him, huh?

1206
00:49:46,884 --> 00:49:48,584
That was Michael, huh?

1207
00:49:48,586 --> 00:49:51,754
Okay, come on,
there we go, okay.

1208
00:49:54,759 --> 00:49:55,758
Don't...

1209
00:49:55,760 --> 00:49:56,892
Are we home yet?

1210
00:49:56,894 --> 00:49:58,093
All right, here we go.

1211
00:49:58,095 --> 00:49:59,595
Come on, here we go.

1212
00:49:59,597 --> 00:50:01,130
Here we go.

1213
00:50:01,132 --> 00:50:03,799
This'll be fun, fun night, huh?

1214
00:50:03,801 --> 00:50:05,634
Yeah.

1215
00:50:05,636 --> 00:50:08,116
We're almost there.

1216
00:50:09,006 --> 00:50:10,639
Okay, you did it.

1217
00:50:10,641 --> 00:50:13,008
Yay, you!

1218
00:50:13,010 --> 00:50:16,578
All right,
let's just get this off.

1219
00:50:16,580 --> 00:50:18,447
Okay, there.

1220
00:50:18,449 --> 00:50:21,817
All right, can you just...
no, just help a little bit.

1221
00:50:21,819 --> 00:50:23,018
All right.

1222
00:50:23,020 --> 00:50:24,753
Okay.

1223
00:50:24,755 --> 00:50:29,425
Okay, oh, wow, okay,
that's convenient, huh?

1224
00:50:29,427 --> 00:50:31,927
Yeah. Lucky you.

1225
00:50:31,929 --> 00:50:34,029
All right.
Oh, okay, there you go.

1226
00:50:34,031 --> 00:50:35,030
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

1227
00:50:35,032 --> 00:50:36,165
I can do it, I can do it.

1228
00:50:36,167 --> 00:50:38,901
I know, you're high as a kite.

1229
00:50:38,903 --> 00:50:39,902
Come here.

1230
00:50:39,904 --> 00:50:40,936
I'm so tired.

1231
00:50:40,938 --> 00:50:42,638
I know you're tired.

1232
00:50:42,640 --> 00:50:44,039
Get in it.

1233
00:50:44,041 --> 00:50:45,774
All right.

1234
00:50:45,776 --> 00:50:47,056
There you go.

1235
00:50:49,613 --> 00:50:51,713
Hey, okay.

1236
00:50:51,715 --> 00:50:54,883
All right.
At that New Year's Eve party,

1237
00:50:54,885 --> 00:50:58,854
did you or did you not
sleep with John Brady?

1238
00:50:58,856 --> 00:51:00,722
Uh-huh? Yeah.

1239
00:51:00,724 --> 00:51:02,958
I knew it.

1240
00:51:02,960 --> 00:51:04,726
I got to call Marilyn.

1241
00:51:04,728 --> 00:51:06,008
I knew it.

1242
00:51:08,799 --> 00:51:12,501
Hey,
Suzanna-ranna-danna-banana.

1243
00:51:12,503 --> 00:51:14,703
Time to get up, lipohead.

1244
00:51:14,705 --> 00:51:15,704
Come on.

1245
00:51:18,676 --> 00:51:20,676
Hey, Suze.

1246
00:51:20,678 --> 00:51:23,812
Did you forget you're speaking
on a panel today?

1247
00:51:24,882 --> 00:51:25,981
Morning.

1248
00:51:27,151 --> 00:51:28,550
Oh, God.

1249
00:51:28,552 --> 00:51:30,085
Honey, you got to get up here.

1250
00:51:30,087 --> 00:51:32,588
Okay, we got a slight problem.

1251
00:51:32,590 --> 00:51:35,958
Just a slight problem,
but don't worry.

1252
00:51:35,960 --> 00:51:40,229
I called the doctor
and she said that it's
just an allergic reaction

1253
00:51:40,231 --> 00:51:42,698
to the lidocaine
in the saline solution.

1254
00:51:42,700 --> 00:51:44,666
And that you don't need to
worry about a thing

1255
00:51:44,668 --> 00:51:46,969
because it's gonna go down.

1256
00:51:46,971 --> 00:51:47,970
What's gonna go down?

1257
00:51:47,972 --> 00:51:49,705
It's gonna go down.

1258
00:51:51,141 --> 00:51:52,140
Oh, my God!

1259
00:51:52,142 --> 00:51:53,809
What happened?

1260
00:51:53,811 --> 00:51:58,847
Eventually, I mean, not today,
but it will go down.

1261
00:51:58,849 --> 00:51:59,998
It will.

1262
00:51:59,999 --> 00:52:01,148
No, don't panic, though, honey.

1263
00:52:01,151 --> 00:52:03,619
Don't panic. Don't panic.

1264
00:52:03,621 --> 00:52:05,153
We can fix this.

1265
00:52:05,155 --> 00:52:06,154
Accessories.

1266
00:52:06,156 --> 00:52:07,556
What? Yes.

1267
00:52:07,558 --> 00:52:10,058
No.
It's all about accessorizing.

1268
00:52:10,060 --> 00:52:11,059
Okay, here. Huh?

1269
00:52:11,061 --> 00:52:12,694
What? Hey.

1270
00:52:12,696 --> 00:52:14,563
Oh, is that the croc hunter?

1271
00:52:14,565 --> 00:52:16,965
No, okay, look.

1272
00:52:16,967 --> 00:52:18,867
Oh, my God. There. Huh?

1273
00:52:18,869 --> 00:52:21,103
That's-it's stupid.

1274
00:52:21,105 --> 00:52:23,572
It draws the eyes upwards.

1275
00:52:23,574 --> 00:52:25,240
I got it.
Here we go, here we go.

1276
00:52:25,242 --> 00:52:26,742
Look at this,
look at this, huh?

1277
00:52:26,744 --> 00:52:27,860
What? Huh?

1278
00:52:27,861 --> 00:52:28,977
I don't want to.

1279
00:52:28,979 --> 00:52:30,679
No one's gonna say anything.

1280
00:52:30,681 --> 00:52:32,748
It's racist if they did.

1281
00:52:32,750 --> 00:52:34,283
Hello. What's she do to me?

1282
00:52:34,285 --> 00:52:37,152
She said it was
only gonna be temporary.

1283
00:52:37,154 --> 00:52:38,787
No, it is temporary.

1284
00:52:38,789 --> 00:52:43,625
It's just-actually,
I just want you to shut up.

1285
00:52:43,627 --> 00:52:46,595
Oh, my God,
what happened to you?

1286
00:52:46,597 --> 00:52:48,964
Linda, we're having
a little nip tuck situation.

1287
00:52:48,966 --> 00:52:50,065
Didn't you get my message?

1288
00:52:50,067 --> 00:52:51,300
No, what? Remember that guy,

1289
00:52:51,302 --> 00:52:53,268
that new professor
I was gonna set you up with?

1290
00:52:53,270 --> 00:52:54,670
Yeah. He's here.

1291
00:52:54,672 --> 00:52:55,737
Oh, my God. He's on the panel.

1292
00:52:55,739 --> 00:52:57,306
No, please don't say that.

1293
00:52:57,308 --> 00:52:59,274
Oh, no, no, no.
Just don't talk, don't talk.

1294
00:52:59,276 --> 00:53:01,710
It's a panel. She has to talk.

1295
00:53:01,712 --> 00:53:03,178
Don't know why
it itches so much.

1296
00:53:03,180 --> 00:53:05,660
Okay, honey, okay. Calm down.

1297
00:53:07,117 --> 00:53:08,584
Ladies and gentlemen,

1298
00:53:08,586 --> 00:53:10,786
please welcome
Dr. Cameron Scott.

1299
00:53:10,788 --> 00:53:12,854
Cameron Scott, this is Suzanne.

1300
00:53:14,191 --> 00:53:15,591
Oh, my God.

1301
00:53:26,203 --> 00:53:27,836
Jane Austen,

1302
00:53:27,838 --> 00:53:32,140
arguably the most widely read
English novelist in history,

1303
00:53:32,142 --> 00:53:36,612
never actually put her name
on her work because...

1304
00:53:40,384 --> 00:53:43,785
writing novels was
considered vulgar as a woman.

1305
00:53:43,787 --> 00:53:47,089
Every single one of her books
was published as simply,

1306
00:53:47,091 --> 00:53:48,724
"By a lady."

1307
00:53:51,695 --> 00:53:54,896
Suzanne,
what are your thoughts?

1308
00:54:00,838 --> 00:54:03,405
Women writers have been
completely ignored.

1309
00:54:07,144 --> 00:54:09,244
Cut it out. What?

1310
00:54:09,246 --> 00:54:11,346
I'm really not
trying to be funny.

1311
00:54:11,348 --> 00:54:13,782
I just...

1312
00:54:14,952 --> 00:54:18,687
Stop it.
Why is everybody laughing?

1313
00:54:20,991 --> 00:54:24,092
¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

1314
00:54:24,094 --> 00:54:26,428
¶ I only wanna be myself ¶

1315
00:54:26,430 --> 00:54:28,030
¶ I feel alive ¶

1316
00:54:28,032 --> 00:54:29,264
¶ I feel alive ¶

1317
00:54:29,266 --> 00:54:30,999
The personal is political.

1318
00:54:31,001 --> 00:54:33,435
Can a feminist
get plastic surgery?

1319
00:54:33,437 --> 00:54:37,739
To me, feminism means
I'm in charge of all my own
decisions about my own body,

1320
00:54:37,741 --> 00:54:39,408
even the stupid ones.

1321
00:54:40,811 --> 00:54:45,013
This is two pounds
of my liposucted ass fat.

1322
00:54:46,216 --> 00:54:47,416
I know, gross.

1323
00:54:47,418 --> 00:54:52,954
And I also had
a temporary lip pouf,

1324
00:54:53,957 --> 00:54:56,892
which, thank God,
has gone away.

1325
00:54:56,894 --> 00:54:59,461
I've spent my entire
academic career

1326
00:54:59,463 --> 00:55:01,029
studying pop culture

1327
00:55:01,031 --> 00:55:03,965
and, as of last week,
I became pop culture.

1328
00:55:07,071 --> 00:55:08,437
Ooh.

1329
00:55:08,439 --> 00:55:09,971
Internet video
has made it possible

1330
00:55:09,973 --> 00:55:12,774
for anyone to be
a celebrity overnight.

1331
00:55:12,776 --> 00:55:15,310
More people watched this
adorable dancing Pomeranian

1332
00:55:15,312 --> 00:55:17,079
than watched the network news.

1333
00:55:17,081 --> 00:55:19,881
And more people saw me
than the dog.

1334
00:55:21,485 --> 00:55:24,386
Which means that my humiliation

1335
00:55:24,388 --> 00:55:27,022
was actually bigger news
than the news.

1336
00:55:27,024 --> 00:55:29,458
When you are going viral,
you have no idea.

1337
00:55:29,460 --> 00:55:31,159
You're just living your life,

1338
00:55:31,161 --> 00:55:33,829
clueless that your worst
nightmare has come true.

1339
00:55:33,831 --> 00:55:35,914
Millions of people
are laughing at you

1340
00:55:35,915 --> 00:55:37,998
because somebody captured
your most embarrassing moment

1341
00:55:38,001 --> 00:55:40,268
and is showing it
to the whole world.

1342
00:55:48,345 --> 00:55:51,146
Your viral video
has five million views.

1343
00:55:51,148 --> 00:55:52,481
Awesome.

1344
00:55:52,483 --> 00:55:55,183
No, Andrea, it is not awesome.

1345
00:55:55,185 --> 00:55:57,486
That isn't the definition
of "awesome."

1346
00:55:57,488 --> 00:55:59,821
The Grand Canyon is awesome.

1347
00:55:59,823 --> 00:56:01,823
Go clean your room.
Go read a dictionary.

1348
00:56:01,825 --> 00:56:03,358
I hate you. Good.

1349
00:56:03,360 --> 00:56:04,893
That's what I was going for.

1350
00:56:06,964 --> 00:56:10,432
You know, Suzanne,
I found this in your room and...

1351
00:56:10,434 --> 00:56:11,967
I was just wondering,

1352
00:56:11,969 --> 00:56:13,802
is there something
you want to tell me?

1353
00:56:13,804 --> 00:56:15,804
You know what?
It's a weight loss device.

1354
00:56:15,806 --> 00:56:17,839
Oh, it is? Look at
how skinny I'm getting.

1355
00:56:17,841 --> 00:56:19,074
Oh, stop it. Just stop it.

1356
00:56:19,076 --> 00:56:20,976
I will. Fine.

1357
00:56:20,978 --> 00:56:21,943
Oh, hang on.

1358
00:56:23,046 --> 00:56:24,479
Oh, God.

1359
00:56:24,481 --> 00:56:27,082
It's Hayes, my attorney,
we're closing this thing.

1360
00:56:27,084 --> 00:56:29,117
Hi.

1361
00:56:29,119 --> 00:56:30,452
What?

1362
00:56:30,454 --> 00:56:32,554
Are you kidding me? Oh my...

1363
00:56:32,556 --> 00:56:33,555
What? What did he say?

1364
00:56:33,557 --> 00:56:35,023
What did he say?

1365
00:56:35,025 --> 00:56:37,225
After I gave on the 401?
Are you kidding me?

1366
00:56:37,227 --> 00:56:38,326
What?

1367
00:56:38,328 --> 00:56:39,361
Look, listen,
I have an agent here.

1368
00:56:39,363 --> 00:56:40,929
Hang on one second.

1369
00:56:40,931 --> 00:56:44,266
Michael wants his fancy
blender back and,

1370
00:56:44,268 --> 00:56:47,002
if he doesn't get it back,
he's gonna go for dog custody.

1371
00:56:47,004 --> 00:56:49,504
He cannot have BooBoo.
We will fight this.

1372
00:56:51,141 --> 00:56:53,759
Okay.

1373
00:56:53,760 --> 00:56:56,378
He says that for sure,
he would get half-time custody.

1374
00:56:56,380 --> 00:56:59,281
You know what?
Hayes, fine, screw it.

1375
00:56:59,283 --> 00:57:02,851
Just close it. Let him have it.

1376
00:57:02,853 --> 00:57:05,987
He's not getting my dog.

1377
00:57:05,989 --> 00:57:07,022
Thanks.

1378
00:57:07,891 --> 00:57:09,090
I can't believe it.

1379
00:57:09,092 --> 00:57:13,328
I will get the blender to him.

1380
00:57:13,330 --> 00:57:15,263
I'll make sure he gets it.

1381
00:57:21,171 --> 00:57:22,170
Hi.

1382
00:57:22,172 --> 00:57:23,939
Hi.

1383
00:57:23,941 --> 00:57:25,941
I knew you were
gonna cheat on me.

1384
00:57:25,943 --> 00:57:27,142
What?

1385
00:57:27,144 --> 00:57:29,194
Oh.

1386
00:57:29,195 --> 00:57:31,675
Yeah, I did cheat on you.

1387
00:57:33,450 --> 00:57:35,383
Listen, I'm really sorry.

1388
00:57:35,385 --> 00:57:36,885
I get it. I get it. I get it.

1389
00:57:36,887 --> 00:57:38,253
We're not gonna date.

1390
00:57:39,456 --> 00:57:42,257
But I wanted to say
I'm sorry, though,

1391
00:57:42,259 --> 00:57:43,525
for that scene with my mom.

1392
00:57:43,527 --> 00:57:44,860
Oh, well...

1393
00:57:44,862 --> 00:57:47,195
You know, she's very dramatic.

1394
00:57:47,197 --> 00:57:50,465
And she's an actress,
so what are you gonna do?

1395
00:57:53,203 --> 00:57:54,436
I really enjoyed it.

1396
00:57:56,139 --> 00:57:57,572
You.

1397
00:57:57,574 --> 00:57:59,007
Me too.

1398
00:57:59,009 --> 00:58:00,375
I thought so, you know,

1399
00:58:00,377 --> 00:58:02,978
based on your reaction
at the time.

1400
00:58:03,914 --> 00:58:05,647
Yeah.

1401
00:58:05,649 --> 00:58:08,650
I don't see why
we can't be friends.

1402
00:58:08,652 --> 00:58:12,220
Plus, you must be jonesing
for a decent latté.

1403
00:58:12,222 --> 00:58:15,190
I mean, no other barista
can satisfy you the way I can.

1404
00:58:17,194 --> 00:58:18,560
That is true.

1405
00:58:18,562 --> 00:58:20,095
True. Thank you very much.

1406
00:58:20,097 --> 00:58:22,230
And thank you.

1407
00:58:22,232 --> 00:58:24,366
Okay, look.
I don't care what it costs.

1408
00:58:24,368 --> 00:58:30,205
It has to be delivered upright
and only to Michael Nicholson.

1409
00:58:30,207 --> 00:58:34,442
It's a very special package
for a very special person.

1410
00:58:46,623 --> 00:58:49,024
Enjoy, you douche bag.

1411
00:58:50,227 --> 00:58:52,394
And Marcia Wallace
called again, like, five times.

1412
00:58:52,396 --> 00:58:53,395
Really? Yeah.

1413
00:58:53,397 --> 00:58:54,930
I'm just gonna email her.

1414
00:58:54,932 --> 00:58:57,499
Okay, but you did get
a big bouquet of flowers

1415
00:58:57,501 --> 00:58:59,267
from the Cheswick Fair Magazine

1416
00:58:59,269 --> 00:59:00,669
saying congrats
on the viral video.

1417
00:59:00,671 --> 00:59:02,170
What's that about?

1418
00:59:02,172 --> 00:59:03,605
I don't know,
but they're gorgeous.

1419
00:59:03,607 --> 00:59:04,973
Wow.

1420
00:59:04,975 --> 00:59:06,107
Oh, also, Michael called again.

1421
00:59:06,109 --> 00:59:07,475
He sounded really pissed.

1422
00:59:10,314 --> 00:59:12,013
Ohh! Jesus.

1423
00:59:15,319 --> 00:59:16,685
Hi.

1424
00:59:16,687 --> 00:59:20,021
You are sick, Suzanne.
You need professional help.

1425
00:59:20,023 --> 00:59:21,256
I'll have you know

1426
00:59:21,258 --> 00:59:22,624
I've taken out
a restraining order.

1427
00:59:22,626 --> 00:59:24,726
Really? Against my fat?

1428
00:59:24,728 --> 00:59:26,608
You know what?
Knock yourself out.

1429
00:59:28,498 --> 00:59:30,098
God.

1430
00:59:30,100 --> 00:59:31,366
Jeez.

1431
00:59:32,436 --> 00:59:34,169
Ah, I can smell it.

1432
00:59:34,171 --> 00:59:35,637
Aghh.

1433
00:59:35,639 --> 00:59:38,974
Elba, clean this shit up.

1434
00:59:42,212 --> 00:59:46,314
So did Michael get
his little gift package?

1435
00:59:46,316 --> 00:59:47,749
Yeah. Good one, Kim.

1436
00:59:47,751 --> 00:59:50,719
He's filing a restraining
order on me, okay?

1437
00:59:50,721 --> 00:59:54,456
And, uh-uh,
I have bigger problems

1438
00:59:54,458 --> 00:59:56,057
than you provoking my ex.

1439
00:59:56,059 --> 00:59:59,661
Marcia Wallace
is actually stalking me.

1440
00:59:59,663 --> 01:00:01,262
What?

1441
01:00:01,264 --> 01:00:02,280
I'm not kidding.

1442
01:00:02,281 --> 01:00:03,297
I have to go. I have to go.

1443
01:00:03,300 --> 01:00:04,265
Bye. Bye.

1444
01:00:21,618 --> 01:00:23,618
Oh. Suzanne.

1445
01:00:23,620 --> 01:00:24,753
Hi. It's Cameron.

1446
01:00:24,755 --> 01:00:26,287
Cameron Scott. Yeah.

1447
01:00:26,289 --> 01:00:28,757
I almost didn't recognize you.

1448
01:00:28,759 --> 01:00:30,625
Without my crazy clown lips?

1449
01:00:31,628 --> 01:00:34,195
I do like these better.

1450
01:00:34,197 --> 01:00:35,764
I just wanted to say
I'm sorry...

1451
01:00:35,766 --> 01:00:37,332
I'm really sorry and I...

1452
01:00:39,069 --> 01:00:42,604
Sorry.
I guess that's taken care of.

1453
01:00:42,606 --> 01:00:44,439
Listen...

1454
01:00:44,441 --> 01:00:49,144
I was wondering if you'd
like to have dinner with me.

1455
01:00:49,146 --> 01:00:52,614
Uh, insert lame excuse here.

1456
01:00:52,616 --> 01:00:53,782
Sorry?

1457
01:00:53,784 --> 01:00:56,317
Men always make
some lame excuse

1458
01:00:56,319 --> 01:00:59,087
for why they're asking
a pretty woman out to dinner.

1459
01:00:59,089 --> 01:01:02,524
Like, seeing that it's
a solar eclipse or something.

1460
01:01:03,760 --> 01:01:05,760
So I thought
I'd maximize my chances

1461
01:01:05,762 --> 01:01:08,263
and let you pick
the lame excuse.

1462
01:01:08,265 --> 01:01:10,665
But pick something persuasive.

1463
01:01:10,667 --> 01:01:13,147
I'd love to
spend time with you.

1464
01:01:14,571 --> 01:01:15,837
Yes. I-yeah, I'd love to.

1465
01:01:15,839 --> 01:01:17,205
Really? Yeah.

1466
01:01:17,207 --> 01:01:18,206
Great.

1467
01:01:19,376 --> 01:01:20,656
When are you free?

1468
01:01:21,678 --> 01:01:23,211
Are you parked
under this building?

1469
01:01:23,213 --> 01:01:24,312
Yes.

1470
01:01:24,313 --> 01:01:25,412
Okay, this is gonna sound
really weird.

1471
01:01:25,415 --> 01:01:28,249
But I'm being stalked
by a sitcom star

1472
01:01:28,251 --> 01:01:30,518
and I could really use a ride.

1473
01:01:30,520 --> 01:01:32,287
I hate when that happens.

1474
01:01:33,790 --> 01:01:35,423
Sure, let's go.

1475
01:01:35,425 --> 01:01:38,159
I don't know where
but let's go.

1476
01:01:38,161 --> 01:01:39,360
Yeah.

1477
01:01:43,567 --> 01:01:45,300
Wow.

1478
01:01:45,302 --> 01:01:48,837
You'll do a lot to get away
from a beloved TV icon

1479
01:01:48,839 --> 01:01:51,706
whose kids you've shagged.

1480
01:01:51,708 --> 01:01:55,310
He's not a kid. He's-he's 22.

1481
01:01:55,312 --> 01:01:58,446
Oh, God,
why did I tell you that?

1482
01:01:58,448 --> 01:02:00,215
I'm glad you did.

1483
01:02:00,217 --> 01:02:03,618
I'm going to get
a lot of mileage out of that.

1484
01:02:03,620 --> 01:02:06,187
Really? Is that what you think?

1485
01:02:06,189 --> 01:02:07,422
It's what I hope.

1486
01:02:12,596 --> 01:02:15,430
What I'm wondering is,

1487
01:02:15,432 --> 01:02:19,601
if I'm the rebound guy
from the rebound guy,

1488
01:02:19,603 --> 01:02:21,469
what are my chances?

1489
01:02:22,472 --> 01:02:23,838
How scary is your mom?

1490
01:02:23,840 --> 01:02:25,773
She's five feet.

1491
01:02:25,775 --> 01:02:26,774
You can take her.

1492
01:02:29,613 --> 01:02:31,312
Then we're good.

1493
01:02:31,314 --> 01:02:32,614
I just had a great idea.

1494
01:02:32,616 --> 01:02:33,715
What?

1495
01:02:33,717 --> 01:02:35,650
How do you feel about weddings?

1496
01:02:35,652 --> 01:02:37,218
Oh, God.

1497
01:02:37,220 --> 01:02:40,622
Kind of like how boat people
feel about boats.

1498
01:02:42,192 --> 01:02:44,259
It's just that tomorrow
I'm supposed to go to

1499
01:02:44,261 --> 01:02:47,896
my ex-wife's new husband's
pregnant daughter's wedding.

1500
01:02:47,898 --> 01:02:49,197
Jeez. And I was wondering

1501
01:02:49,199 --> 01:02:50,632
if you'd want to be my date.

1502
01:02:50,634 --> 01:02:53,735
Mmm, no.

1503
01:02:53,737 --> 01:02:56,237
You can meet my whole crew,

1504
01:02:56,239 --> 01:03:01,376
including my snarly
body-sprayed teenage son, lan.

1505
01:03:01,378 --> 01:03:03,178
That sounds deeply unappealing.

1506
01:03:03,180 --> 01:03:05,660
I just really don't think
I want to go.

1507
01:03:09,219 --> 01:03:13,188
My divorce is
ridiculously friendly.

1508
01:03:13,190 --> 01:03:18,927
And my ex-wife's new husband
worries that I'm lonely.

1509
01:03:18,929 --> 01:03:21,429
Oh, my God.

1510
01:03:21,431 --> 01:03:25,700
Well, I guess you think
that just because I'm naked

1511
01:03:25,702 --> 01:03:27,602
I'm the kind of girl
you can take to a wedding

1512
01:03:27,604 --> 01:03:30,371
on a second date.

1513
01:03:30,373 --> 01:03:31,573
But the thing is,
I don't even have anything

1514
01:03:31,575 --> 01:03:33,441
to wear at a wedding.

1515
01:03:33,443 --> 01:03:35,343
The bride is eight months gone.

1516
01:03:35,345 --> 01:03:38,546
Trust me, it's not that formal.

1517
01:03:38,548 --> 01:03:39,547
Okay.

1518
01:03:40,550 --> 01:03:42,717
Fine, I'll go.

1519
01:03:42,719 --> 01:03:44,280
I'll go. Thank you.

1520
01:03:48,291 --> 01:03:50,625
Hey, Kim,
I won't be home again tonight.

1521
01:03:50,627 --> 01:03:52,360
I'm going to a wedding.

1522
01:03:52,362 --> 01:03:53,995
I know, I said I hate weddings

1523
01:03:53,997 --> 01:03:56,965
but maybe they're better
with a better guy.

1524
01:03:56,967 --> 01:03:58,900
He's so nice.

1525
01:04:23,426 --> 01:04:27,528
It's just great how you all
are so friendly with each other.

1526
01:04:27,530 --> 01:04:30,498
Cameron moved to Boston
when I had some business there.

1527
01:04:30,500 --> 01:04:32,767
Trevor's a big success
in the profit business.

1528
01:04:32,769 --> 01:04:37,872
And so Ruth and I came here
when he got his professorship.

1529
01:04:37,874 --> 01:04:40,975
It's better for lan, you know,
if we're all together.

1530
01:04:40,977 --> 01:04:43,044
Yeah.

1531
01:04:43,046 --> 01:04:45,413
This wedding is so gay.

1532
01:04:46,383 --> 01:04:47,649
In this instance,

1533
01:04:47,651 --> 01:04:49,751
gay means lame.

1534
01:04:49,753 --> 01:04:53,621
Dad, no one says lame.

1535
01:04:53,623 --> 01:04:56,291
Lame is gay.

1536
01:04:56,293 --> 01:04:58,626
So sorry,
he's being dreadful.

1537
01:05:00,597 --> 01:05:02,497
I have to keep
reminding myself

1538
01:05:02,499 --> 01:05:05,933
my sweet boy's
in there somewhere.

1539
01:05:05,935 --> 01:05:08,670
You're an actually nice man,
aren't you?

1540
01:05:08,672 --> 01:05:10,038
I think so.

1541
01:05:10,040 --> 01:05:11,406
Is that unattractive?

1542
01:05:11,408 --> 01:05:12,040
No.

1543
01:05:13,710 --> 01:05:17,078
What we have to do now is
to find someone for Cameron,

1544
01:05:17,080 --> 01:05:18,813
you know,
so that he doesn't feel

1545
01:05:18,815 --> 01:05:21,816
like such a third wheel
when we go on holiday together.

1546
01:05:21,818 --> 01:05:25,987
You all go
on holiday together, I see.

1547
01:05:25,989 --> 01:05:27,455
Trevor has a private jet.

1548
01:05:27,457 --> 01:05:29,624
No, no, I just lease one.

1549
01:05:29,626 --> 01:05:31,893
Does the trick.

1550
01:05:31,895 --> 01:05:33,094
Wouldn't it be wonderful,
darling,

1551
01:05:33,096 --> 01:05:35,797
if these two, you know,
made a go of it?

1552
01:05:37,667 --> 01:05:38,766
Yes.

1553
01:05:38,768 --> 01:05:41,069
How long's it been, Cameron?

1554
01:05:41,071 --> 01:05:42,970
Forty-four hours
and nine minutes.

1555
01:05:44,374 --> 01:05:45,573
Right, right.

1556
01:05:45,575 --> 01:05:47,975
Well, probably
a bit early to say yet

1557
01:05:47,977 --> 01:05:50,812
but here's to the success.

1558
01:05:50,814 --> 01:05:52,780
Here's to success. Thank you.

1559
01:05:52,782 --> 01:05:53,781
No pressure.

1560
01:05:53,783 --> 01:05:54,949
Yeah.

1561
01:05:54,951 --> 01:05:56,417
It's really just almost scary

1562
01:05:56,419 --> 01:05:57,719
how nice you people are
to each other.

1563
01:05:57,721 --> 01:05:59,654
Well, the fact
that there's been a divorce

1564
01:05:59,656 --> 01:06:03,791
doesn't mean to say there's
got to be any unpleasantness.

1565
01:06:03,793 --> 01:06:04,759
Really?

1566
01:06:05,829 --> 01:06:08,463
That was not my experience.

1567
01:06:23,880 --> 01:06:26,114
Suzanne, I knew
I'd find you here.

1568
01:06:26,116 --> 01:06:27,915
Yeah, every afternoon.

1569
01:06:27,917 --> 01:06:29,584
Yeah, it's kind of
our secret spot.

1570
01:06:29,586 --> 01:06:32,620
So don't tell anybody
I told you

1571
01:06:32,622 --> 01:06:35,423
but we had your initial
tenure hearing

1572
01:06:35,425 --> 01:06:37,592
and Deborah wants you out.

1573
01:06:37,594 --> 01:06:38,659
What?

1574
01:06:38,661 --> 01:06:39,861
This can't be happening.

1575
01:06:39,863 --> 01:06:41,129
Are you serious? You're not...

1576
01:06:41,131 --> 01:06:42,797
Yeah, I'm serious
as a vampire bite,

1577
01:06:42,799 --> 01:06:44,766
you are O-U-T.

1578
01:06:44,768 --> 01:06:46,634
She's my mentor.
This can't be happening.

1579
01:06:46,636 --> 01:06:49,437
She's really pissed
that you got a lipo

1580
01:06:49,439 --> 01:06:51,105
and did a lecture on it.

1581
01:06:51,107 --> 01:06:53,441
What about my, you know,
the personal is political?

1582
01:06:53,443 --> 01:06:54,642
That's how I teach.
That's what she teaches.

1583
01:06:54,644 --> 01:06:56,644
She says you're not
a real feminist.

1584
01:06:56,646 --> 01:06:59,047
Oh. What?

1585
01:06:59,048 --> 01:07:01,449
Yeah, we vote on Friday.
She is gunning for you.

1586
01:07:01,451 --> 01:07:02,884
This is just like
when we were in high school

1587
01:07:02,886 --> 01:07:05,052
and all the popular kids
went on the big senior trip

1588
01:07:05,054 --> 01:07:06,454
but we stayed home
because we didn't go

1589
01:07:06,456 --> 01:07:08,456
and then we looked
at the yearbook

1590
01:07:08,457 --> 01:07:10,457
and we were, like, "Oh, my God,
that looked like so much fun,

1591
01:07:10,460 --> 01:07:11,659
I wish we would have gone."

1592
01:07:11,661 --> 01:07:13,161
But then the popular kids
were like,

1593
01:07:13,163 --> 01:07:14,962
"You should have gone.
I mean, it was so much fun."

1594
01:07:14,964 --> 01:07:17,165
But if we'd gone,
we would have just gotten hives

1595
01:07:17,167 --> 01:07:19,033
and would have gone
to the hospital.

1596
01:07:19,035 --> 01:07:22,570
Don't you see,
that's what this is?

1597
01:07:22,572 --> 01:07:25,106
No, it's about the lipo.

1598
01:07:25,108 --> 01:07:26,541
You know what she says

1599
01:07:26,543 --> 01:07:28,910
about the surgical
mutilation of women.

1600
01:07:28,912 --> 01:07:31,512
Look, I got a breast reduction.

1601
01:07:31,514 --> 01:07:33,080
What? 'Cause they were too big.

1602
01:07:33,082 --> 01:07:37,518
I had to.
I stuff my bra for work.

1603
01:07:37,520 --> 01:07:38,820
No one knows.

1604
01:07:38,822 --> 01:07:40,054
I wouldn't have known.

1605
01:07:40,056 --> 01:07:41,456
You stuff your bra for work?

1606
01:07:41,458 --> 01:07:43,524
Okay, stop looking at 'em.

1607
01:07:43,526 --> 01:07:45,726
Yes, ma'am.
And keep it to yourself.

1608
01:07:47,964 --> 01:07:49,030
We'll say nothing.

1609
01:07:49,032 --> 01:07:50,698
Thank you.

1610
01:07:50,700 --> 01:07:51,699
Sorry, girl.

1611
01:07:52,702 --> 01:07:53,701
Thank you.

1612
01:07:54,804 --> 01:07:56,604
They look so real.

1613
01:07:56,606 --> 01:07:58,039
I never knew. I never knew.

1614
01:07:58,041 --> 01:07:59,841
She's enormous breasts, still.

1615
01:07:59,843 --> 01:08:01,042
It's crazy.

1616
01:08:01,044 --> 01:08:02,944
Call incoming.

1617
01:08:02,946 --> 01:08:04,479
Unknown caller.

1618
01:08:05,114 --> 01:08:06,247
Hello?

1619
01:08:06,249 --> 01:08:07,949
Hi, I'm calling
for Peter Durton.

1620
01:08:07,951 --> 01:08:09,217
Did you get the flowers?

1621
01:08:09,219 --> 01:08:10,618
Why, yes.

1622
01:08:10,620 --> 01:08:11,886
But I have no idea why.

1623
01:08:11,888 --> 01:08:13,120
They're from Peter.

1624
01:08:13,122 --> 01:08:15,556
He's in town for the Oscars

1625
01:08:15,558 --> 01:08:18,559
and he would like to
set up a drinks with you

1626
01:08:18,561 --> 01:08:20,194
at his private screening room

1627
01:08:20,196 --> 01:08:22,897
to discuss a book deal
through his publishing arm.

1628
01:08:22,899 --> 01:08:24,866
I'm sorry, do I know you?

1629
01:08:24,868 --> 01:08:27,702
Not me.

1630
01:08:27,704 --> 01:08:31,038
Peter Durton, the editor
of Cheswick Fair Magazine.

1631
01:08:31,040 --> 01:08:32,240
He also does books.

1632
01:08:32,242 --> 01:08:34,208
He rents a private
screening room

1633
01:08:34,210 --> 01:08:36,077
to watch the nominated films.

1634
01:08:36,079 --> 01:08:37,545
He has a suite at the Peninsula

1635
01:08:37,547 --> 01:08:39,213
but it always gets him
depressed.

1636
01:08:39,215 --> 01:08:42,683
So and he can't possibly
watch the movies

1637
01:08:42,685 --> 01:08:45,987
on a regular television,
oh, that's a nightmare.

1638
01:08:45,989 --> 01:08:47,788
Anyway, can you do
Tuesday at 4?

1639
01:08:47,790 --> 01:08:50,224
I'm sorry,
how does he even know me?

1640
01:08:50,226 --> 01:08:53,060
From the Internet, obviously.

1641
01:08:53,062 --> 01:08:54,262
Congrats on that, by the way.

1642
01:08:54,264 --> 01:08:56,130
Hence the flowers.

1643
01:08:56,132 --> 01:08:57,231
Ah.

1644
01:08:57,233 --> 01:08:58,799
Tuesday at 4. We'll see you.

1645
01:09:01,037 --> 01:09:04,005
I'm so glad you came by.
Can you stay for dinner?

1646
01:09:04,007 --> 01:09:09,310
Maybe. Yeah.

1647
01:09:09,312 --> 01:09:11,012
What a day.

1648
01:09:11,014 --> 01:09:13,180
She was my mentor, you know?

1649
01:09:13,182 --> 01:09:14,916
I was counting on this.

1650
01:09:16,686 --> 01:09:20,655
Well, you've got alimony,
I'm guessing.

1651
01:09:20,657 --> 01:09:22,657
No.

1652
01:09:22,659 --> 01:09:25,059
We had a prenup
and I didn't fight it

1653
01:09:25,061 --> 01:09:27,695
'cause I didn't really
want to get paid by somebody

1654
01:09:27,697 --> 01:09:29,897
to not have sex with them,
you know?

1655
01:09:29,899 --> 01:09:32,333
That's ethical.

1656
01:09:32,334 --> 01:09:34,768
I admire that but clearly
you need more wine.

1657
01:09:34,771 --> 01:09:36,704
Clearly.

1658
01:09:36,706 --> 01:09:39,040
I dunno, maybe
this Peter Durton thing

1659
01:09:39,042 --> 01:09:40,608
will turn out to be something.

1660
01:09:41,311 --> 01:09:44,078
You're going?

1661
01:09:44,080 --> 01:09:45,980
Yeah.

1662
01:09:45,982 --> 01:09:47,048
You're not upset, are you?

1663
01:09:47,050 --> 01:09:48,583
Date anyone you like.

1664
01:09:48,585 --> 01:09:49,817
It's not a date, okay?

1665
01:09:49,819 --> 01:09:52,053
His assistant said it's drinks.

1666
01:09:52,055 --> 01:09:54,255
In his private screening room

1667
01:09:54,257 --> 01:09:57,325
because he's bored
of his luxury hotel suite.

1668
01:09:57,327 --> 01:09:59,193
It sounds like a date.

1669
01:09:59,195 --> 01:10:00,628
Lunch is a meeting.

1670
01:10:00,630 --> 01:10:04,065
Drinks in a screening room
is a date.

1671
01:10:04,067 --> 01:10:07,602
Please tell me that
you are trying to be funny.

1672
01:10:07,604 --> 01:10:10,671
No, I'm dead serious.

1673
01:10:10,673 --> 01:10:14,609
But then again, I'm just
the rebound from the rebound.

1674
01:10:14,611 --> 01:10:16,944
There's a whole world
out there.

1675
01:10:16,946 --> 01:10:20,948
I just... I thought
you were the nice guy.

1676
01:10:25,321 --> 01:10:27,088
Is it not Monday?

1677
01:10:27,090 --> 01:10:28,789
No, it is.

1678
01:10:28,791 --> 01:10:32,126
Good to see you, buddy.
You remember Suzanne.

1679
01:10:32,128 --> 01:10:33,194
Hi.

1680
01:10:33,196 --> 01:10:36,631
Oh, yeah, sure. Hi, I guess.

1681
01:10:36,633 --> 01:10:37,965
Is she staying for dinner?

1682
01:10:37,967 --> 01:10:40,301
No. No, I can't.

1683
01:10:40,303 --> 01:10:43,337
Thanks. I have to go actually.

1684
01:10:43,339 --> 01:10:45,006
Thank you, though.

1685
01:10:45,008 --> 01:10:47,108
We can talk later, right?

1686
01:10:47,110 --> 01:10:48,876
Yeah, I'll give you a call.

1687
01:10:48,878 --> 01:10:51,379
Bye, lan.

1688
01:10:51,381 --> 01:10:52,847
Later.

1689
01:10:58,421 --> 01:11:01,122
That looked gay.

1690
01:11:01,124 --> 01:11:03,190
What happened?

1691
01:11:03,192 --> 01:11:04,992
She has a date
with a billionaire

1692
01:11:04,994 --> 01:11:07,061
who has a screening room.

1693
01:11:07,063 --> 01:11:08,329
That sucks.

1694
01:11:08,331 --> 01:11:11,032
Yeah. That it does.

1695
01:11:11,034 --> 01:11:14,669
I can't believe Deborah
wants to give you the ax
because you had lipo

1696
01:11:14,671 --> 01:11:17,805
when it's so obvious
that she's had Botox

1697
01:11:17,807 --> 01:11:18,873
and her hair colored.

1698
01:11:18,875 --> 01:11:20,941
Really? How do you know that?

1699
01:11:20,943 --> 01:11:23,423
The same way I know
you had Botox.

1700
01:11:24,213 --> 01:11:25,746
God, like, how do you even...

1701
01:11:25,748 --> 01:11:27,181
I am like CSI of beauty.

1702
01:11:27,183 --> 01:11:28,182
I know everything.

1703
01:11:28,184 --> 01:11:29,750
Mm.

1704
01:11:29,752 --> 01:11:32,119
Is there a night
where Deborah doesn't book

1705
01:11:32,121 --> 01:11:33,387
any events at school?

1706
01:11:33,389 --> 01:11:34,388
Yeah, tonight.

1707
01:11:34,390 --> 01:11:35,389
That's her "me" time.

1708
01:11:35,391 --> 01:11:36,891
Oh, I bet.

1709
01:11:36,893 --> 01:11:38,826
Well, we're going
on a beauty stakeout

1710
01:11:38,828 --> 01:11:42,930
'cause she's a goddamn
hypocritical skank in call "O."

1711
01:11:42,932 --> 01:11:45,132
I've no idea
what you're talking about.

1712
01:11:45,134 --> 01:11:46,867
Just trust me.

1713
01:11:46,869 --> 01:11:49,270
We're gonna
blackmail her bony ass.

1714
01:12:07,323 --> 01:12:09,123
Get her. Film it.

1715
01:12:13,062 --> 01:12:16,897
My God.
That's Dr. Delaney.

1716
01:12:16,899 --> 01:12:18,766
She's the one that did my lipo.

1717
01:12:18,768 --> 01:12:20,935
Yeah. She's the
best in  Botox.

1718
01:12:20,937 --> 01:12:22,403
Ha, ha, ha.

1719
01:12:22,405 --> 01:12:23,738
All right, let's go look.

1720
01:12:23,740 --> 01:12:24,739
Yeah, let's go. I'll film it.

1721
01:12:24,741 --> 01:12:25,906
Okay, you film it.

1722
01:12:41,758 --> 01:12:44,125
What is it?

1723
01:12:44,127 --> 01:12:46,227
Botox. God.

1724
01:12:46,229 --> 01:12:49,230
Aging gratefully, my ass.

1725
01:12:49,232 --> 01:12:50,998
She's such a hypocrite.

1726
01:12:51,000 --> 01:12:51,966
Ho, ho, ho, ho.

1727
01:12:51,968 --> 01:12:53,400
You know, I can't wait to see

1728
01:12:53,402 --> 01:12:55,269
the look on her Botoxed face.

1729
01:12:55,271 --> 01:12:57,271
We are gonna nail her.

1730
01:12:57,273 --> 01:12:58,439
We already did.

1731
01:12:58,441 --> 01:12:59,807
You're a genius.

1732
01:12:59,809 --> 01:13:02,009
The March issue closes today.

1733
01:13:02,011 --> 01:13:05,179
You need to understand
Peter's time is very valuable.

1734
01:13:06,249 --> 01:13:08,516
Oh, don't call him Peter.

1735
01:13:08,518 --> 01:13:09,917
What do I call him?

1736
01:13:09,919 --> 01:13:12,403
Nothing.

1737
01:13:12,404 --> 01:13:14,888
If he asks you to say
something to him, say it.

1738
01:13:14,891 --> 01:13:16,056
Otherwise, no name.

1739
01:13:16,058 --> 01:13:16,957
Okay, no names.

1740
01:13:16,959 --> 01:13:18,192
And don't look at the house.

1741
01:13:18,194 --> 01:13:20,861
It belongs to someone
ridiculously famous.

1742
01:13:20,863 --> 01:13:24,265
Do not look at the house.

1743
01:13:24,267 --> 01:13:27,101
You can see but don't look.

1744
01:13:27,103 --> 01:13:29,804
And if he offers you
something to eat, eat it,

1745
01:13:29,806 --> 01:13:31,005
even if you're
allergic or whatever.

1746
01:13:31,007 --> 01:13:32,940
We'll get you
medical attention.

1747
01:13:32,942 --> 01:13:35,543
He's very proud of his food.

1748
01:13:35,545 --> 01:13:37,578
Watch your step. Don't look.

1749
01:13:37,580 --> 01:13:39,480
Okay, I'm not looking.

1750
01:13:39,482 --> 01:13:40,548
Jeez.

1751
01:13:48,991 --> 01:13:53,427
I'm Peter.
You can call me Peter.

1752
01:13:53,429 --> 01:13:54,709
We need champagne.

1753
01:13:57,333 --> 01:13:58,566
You like Dom?

1754
01:13:58,568 --> 01:14:00,501
You know, actually,
I never had it.

1755
01:14:00,503 --> 01:14:02,570
This is the good Dom.

1756
01:14:02,572 --> 01:14:05,139
There's bad Dom?

1757
01:14:05,141 --> 01:14:06,874
There's regular Dom
which is good.

1758
01:14:06,876 --> 01:14:09,243
Uh-huh.
Then there's the good Dom.

1759
01:14:09,245 --> 01:14:11,045
Thank you.

1760
01:14:15,318 --> 01:14:18,452
Oh, my God. Oh, that's nuts.

1761
01:14:18,454 --> 01:14:20,254
That's, like, amazing.

1762
01:14:20,256 --> 01:14:22,556
Told you so. Yeah.

1763
01:14:22,558 --> 01:14:27,294
So, I want you,
to write a book for me.

1764
01:14:27,296 --> 01:14:28,329
Oh.

1765
01:14:28,331 --> 01:14:29,997
Angelique, cheese.

1766
01:14:35,171 --> 01:14:36,470
Mmm.

1767
01:14:36,472 --> 01:14:37,571
You'll do good media.

1768
01:14:37,573 --> 01:14:39,173
I'm into thin slicing.

1769
01:14:39,175 --> 01:14:41,141
I don't know
what that is actually.

1770
01:14:43,112 --> 01:14:44,945
It's snap judgments
based on my instincts.

1771
01:14:44,947 --> 01:14:46,514
Oh.

1772
01:14:46,515 --> 01:14:48,082
I didn't even need to see
your whole viral video.

1773
01:14:48,084 --> 01:14:49,116
I get you.

1774
01:14:49,118 --> 01:14:50,851
He gets you.

1775
01:14:50,852 --> 01:14:52,585
He gets you without
listening to you.

1776
01:14:52,588 --> 01:14:54,188
That's why he's so genius.

1777
01:14:54,190 --> 01:14:56,957
His genius is that
he doesn't listen?

1778
01:14:56,959 --> 01:15:00,127
He hears without listening.

1779
01:15:04,300 --> 01:15:10,437
Anyway, the book
is called "F the F-Word."

1780
01:15:10,439 --> 01:15:12,506
Discreet against feminists.

1781
01:15:12,508 --> 01:15:14,108
With you naked on the cover.

1782
01:15:14,110 --> 01:15:15,509
Oh!

1783
01:15:15,511 --> 01:15:17,378
Not nips and pubes
naked, obviously.

1784
01:15:17,380 --> 01:15:19,346
Nobody wants to see you naked.

1785
01:15:21,384 --> 01:15:22,950
Feminists suck. Totally agree.

1786
01:15:22,952 --> 01:15:24,251
Me too.

1787
01:15:24,253 --> 01:15:26,987
You know, I have to say,
I don't totally agree

1788
01:15:26,989 --> 01:15:28,489
because I wouldn't actually
call myself a feminist.

1789
01:15:28,491 --> 01:15:29,924
And that's kind of
important to me.

1790
01:15:29,926 --> 01:15:31,558
Right, right, right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1791
01:15:31,560 --> 01:15:35,396
Really, for me,
it's about the cover

1792
01:15:35,398 --> 01:15:37,264
and the media message.

1793
01:15:37,266 --> 01:15:39,667
You should really have
some of this cheese.

1794
01:15:39,669 --> 01:15:41,568
Comes from cows
that have had better lives

1795
01:15:41,570 --> 01:15:42,569
than most people.

1796
01:15:42,571 --> 01:15:43,571
I, uh, you know, I will...

1797
01:15:43,572 --> 01:15:44,571
Eat it.

1798
01:15:44,573 --> 01:15:46,140
I will try it.

1799
01:15:46,142 --> 01:15:48,542
I just, you know, I will
take this offer very seriously.

1800
01:15:48,544 --> 01:15:50,544
It's very tempting. I...

1801
01:15:50,546 --> 01:15:54,648
Mmm, mmm.

1802
01:15:54,650 --> 01:15:56,016
Oh, my God.

1803
01:15:56,018 --> 01:15:57,551
That's what I'm talking about.

1804
01:15:57,553 --> 01:16:00,020
That's cheese?
That's, like, amazing.

1805
01:16:00,022 --> 01:16:02,423
That's... Don't say yes or no.

1806
01:16:02,425 --> 01:16:05,726
First of all, we're talking
significant six figures.

1807
01:16:05,728 --> 01:16:06,961
Second of all...

1808
01:16:06,963 --> 01:16:08,462
Mm-hm?  Just think about it.

1809
01:16:08,464 --> 01:16:12,533
BTW, I want you to be
my plus-one at the Oscars

1810
01:16:12,535 --> 01:16:14,535
and the magazine's party after.

1811
01:16:16,172 --> 01:16:19,173
We'll give you clothes,
you know, hair/make-up team.

1812
01:16:19,175 --> 01:16:20,674
Yeah, we'll make you
look great.

1813
01:16:20,676 --> 01:16:22,710
Well, better, anyway.

1814
01:16:22,712 --> 01:16:24,178
Sorry, are you...

1815
01:16:24,180 --> 01:16:26,313
I mean, are you talking
about the Oscar Oscars?

1816
01:16:26,315 --> 01:16:29,450
'Cause that's crazy.
I'm not that kind of person.

1817
01:16:29,452 --> 01:16:30,551
Great. She'll do it.

1818
01:16:30,553 --> 01:16:32,086
Perfect.

1819
01:16:36,759 --> 01:16:39,239
I've got to scoot.
I've got another drinks.

1820
01:16:43,332 --> 01:16:46,433
This, will be great.

1821
01:16:51,507 --> 01:16:53,140
This is pathetic.

1822
01:16:53,142 --> 01:16:55,075
You guys aren't cops.

1823
01:16:55,077 --> 01:16:58,479
You can't blackmail me
with DNA evidence of Botox.

1824
01:16:58,481 --> 01:17:02,483
My doctor isn't gonna violate
doctor/patient confidentiality

1825
01:17:02,485 --> 01:17:05,753
so this is just really stupid.

1826
01:17:05,755 --> 01:17:07,254
And the very fact
you even tried it

1827
01:17:07,256 --> 01:17:09,023
tells me
that my instincts about you

1828
01:17:09,025 --> 01:17:11,625
were right on, Suzanne.

1829
01:17:11,627 --> 01:17:12,793
You are so out.

1830
01:17:12,795 --> 01:17:14,395
But unfortunately,

1831
01:17:14,397 --> 01:17:18,232
there's no hairdresser/client
confidentiality.

1832
01:17:18,234 --> 01:17:19,299
Oh, right.

1833
01:17:19,301 --> 01:17:20,167
Your hairdresser,

1834
01:17:20,169 --> 01:17:22,503
Rafael, she knows him.

1835
01:17:22,505 --> 01:17:23,771
And you go on TV,

1836
01:17:23,773 --> 01:17:25,773
bragging how you
don't dye your hair

1837
01:17:25,775 --> 01:17:29,410
when Rafael says you do
tops and tails,

1838
01:17:29,412 --> 01:17:31,645
but you're a lousy tipper,

1839
01:17:31,647 --> 01:17:33,514
which is a big mistake
for somebody

1840
01:17:33,516 --> 01:17:36,784
who expects confidentiality
from her pube dyer.

1841
01:17:36,786 --> 01:17:37,818
We're gonna make

1842
01:17:37,820 --> 01:17:39,286
a video with Rafael

1843
01:17:39,288 --> 01:17:40,788
and we're gonna
link it to Suzie's

1844
01:17:40,790 --> 01:17:42,656
fat lip video,

1845
01:17:42,658 --> 01:17:44,091
and everybody's gonna see,

1846
01:17:44,093 --> 01:17:46,427
just what a hypocrite you are.

1847
01:17:46,429 --> 01:17:49,296
And we're gonna
Auto-tune your pubes,

1848
01:17:49,298 --> 01:17:51,532
which is not good
for book deals

1849
01:17:51,534 --> 01:17:53,333
or "Today Show" appearances.

1850
01:17:53,335 --> 01:17:55,669
Think about it.

1851
01:17:55,671 --> 01:17:57,805
You should think about it.

1852
01:17:57,807 --> 01:18:00,741
You nailed it.
You were amazing.

1853
01:18:00,743 --> 01:18:02,109
Well, I can't imagine her
fighting you now.

1854
01:18:03,179 --> 01:18:05,145
God, I hate hypocrites.

1855
01:18:05,147 --> 01:18:07,214
I thought we were just
gonna bust her on the Botox,

1856
01:18:07,216 --> 01:18:09,283
then you whip out
Auto-tuning her pubes.

1857
01:18:10,152 --> 01:18:12,553
My God, that was perfect.

1858
01:18:12,555 --> 01:18:16,156
Honestly, I can't even
believe you would stay here.

1859
01:18:16,158 --> 01:18:17,724
I mean, that woman represents

1860
01:18:17,726 --> 01:18:19,793
everything that's wrong
with the movement.

1861
01:18:19,795 --> 01:18:21,095
I know. I agree.

1862
01:18:22,298 --> 01:18:24,298
Oh, hang on.

1863
01:18:24,300 --> 01:18:25,799
It's Cameron.
He keeps calling me,

1864
01:18:25,801 --> 01:18:27,201
and I don't want
to talk to him.

1865
01:18:27,203 --> 01:18:28,735
He was just awful,

1866
01:18:28,737 --> 01:18:30,804
about that whole
Peter Durton thing.

1867
01:18:30,806 --> 01:18:32,372
I think you should
answer the phone.

1868
01:18:33,709 --> 01:18:35,275
You know, I know
it's none of my business

1869
01:18:35,277 --> 01:18:37,177
but I feel like
I got to tell you something.

1870
01:18:37,179 --> 01:18:40,848
Peter Durton is a dick.

1871
01:18:40,850 --> 01:18:44,451
I slept with him
as a girl, years ago.

1872
01:18:44,453 --> 01:18:45,853
Wow.

1873
01:18:45,855 --> 01:18:47,454
Then you tell me about
this nice guy Cameron

1874
01:18:47,456 --> 01:18:50,324
who's all freaked out
about this rich guy

1875
01:18:50,326 --> 01:18:52,192
and, I mean, what the hell.

1876
01:18:52,194 --> 01:18:53,827
Why is he freaked out
about it anyway?

1877
01:18:53,829 --> 01:18:56,196
Wait a sec, why am I freaking
about it?

1878
01:18:56,198 --> 01:18:58,132
Maybe I'm just jealous.

1879
01:18:58,134 --> 01:19:00,801
You know, it takes
a very unusual sort of man

1880
01:19:00,803 --> 01:19:04,471
to even want to consider
being with me.

1881
01:19:04,473 --> 01:19:06,306
I just, you know,

1882
01:19:06,308 --> 01:19:08,675
I would take a nice, normal,

1883
01:19:08,677 --> 01:19:12,446
slightly insecure guy any day.

1884
01:19:12,448 --> 01:19:14,715
Call incoming.

1885
01:19:14,717 --> 01:19:15,816
You answered.

1886
01:19:15,818 --> 01:19:17,317
Hi.

1887
01:19:17,319 --> 01:19:18,685
Hi.

1888
01:19:18,687 --> 01:19:20,154
Have you ever seen the film,

1889
01:19:20,156 --> 01:19:22,556
"Harvey" with Jimmy Stewart?

1890
01:19:24,360 --> 01:19:27,828
It's where Jimmy Stewart
honestly believes

1891
01:19:27,830 --> 01:19:29,830
he's got a friend,

1892
01:19:29,832 --> 01:19:32,766
who's a giant
invisible talking rabbit.

1893
01:19:32,768 --> 01:19:34,301
Yeah, I know the movie.

1894
01:19:34,303 --> 01:19:36,737
It's just my ex, Ruth,

1895
01:19:36,739 --> 01:19:39,373
she left me.

1896
01:19:39,375 --> 01:19:41,241
Trevor's a great guy and all

1897
01:19:41,243 --> 01:19:43,243
but they knew each other before

1898
01:19:43,245 --> 01:19:46,647
and I guess
I'm a little wrapped tight

1899
01:19:46,649 --> 01:19:50,450
when it comes to women
I care about and billionaires.

1900
01:19:50,452 --> 01:19:51,685
I'm sorry.

1901
01:19:51,686 --> 01:19:52,919
I don't know
what that has to do

1902
01:19:52,922 --> 01:19:56,356
with a giant talking
rabbit, though.

1903
01:19:56,358 --> 01:19:57,958
Because I was
having a conversation

1904
01:19:57,960 --> 01:20:00,928
Ruth.

1905
01:20:00,930 --> 01:20:03,830
Because she left me
for a rich guy.

1906
01:20:03,832 --> 01:20:05,832
I get it.

1907
01:20:05,834 --> 01:20:08,368
I'm sorry.

1908
01:20:08,370 --> 01:20:13,941
I probably came off
as crazy and jealous.

1909
01:20:13,943 --> 01:20:15,676
I'm sorry.

1910
01:20:15,678 --> 01:20:16,944
I was wondering,

1911
01:20:16,946 --> 01:20:19,446
if maybe, you wanted
to come over Sunday

1912
01:20:19,448 --> 01:20:22,349
and we could watch
the Oscars together.

1913
01:20:22,351 --> 01:20:27,521
I'm actually
going to the Oscars

1914
01:20:27,523 --> 01:20:29,289
with that Peter guy.

1915
01:20:31,427 --> 01:20:35,429
Wow, he's taking you
to the Oscars.

1916
01:20:35,431 --> 01:20:37,331
He gave me that book deal.

1917
01:20:37,333 --> 01:20:40,801
That's great.
I'm happy for you.

1918
01:20:40,803 --> 01:20:42,669
Maybe we could...

1919
01:20:42,671 --> 01:20:45,539
Sure, just give me a call.

1920
01:20:45,541 --> 01:20:46,640
I'll call you.

1921
01:20:46,642 --> 01:20:47,841
I should let you go.

1922
01:20:52,581 --> 01:20:53,997
All right.

1923
01:20:53,998 --> 01:20:55,414
All right,
good luck with all that.

1924
01:20:55,417 --> 01:20:57,317
All of it.

1925
01:21:00,990 --> 01:21:04,625
¶ I will hold you
When you cry ¶

1926
01:21:04,627 --> 01:21:08,729
¶ Lay beside you In the night ¶

1927
01:21:08,731 --> 01:21:11,265
¶ I am your best friend ¶

1928
01:21:11,267 --> 01:21:13,600
¶ For life ¶

1929
01:21:13,602 --> 01:21:18,605
Message from Marcia Wallace.

1930
01:21:18,607 --> 01:21:20,741
Hi, doll.
You never returned my call.

1931
01:21:20,743 --> 01:21:22,276
I over-reacted.

1932
01:21:22,278 --> 01:21:23,744
I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

1933
01:21:23,746 --> 01:21:25,579
It's just that sometimes

1934
01:21:25,581 --> 01:21:28,482
it's hard to take the bear
out of the momma bear.

1935
01:21:28,484 --> 01:21:30,350
I was wrong. I'm sorry.

1936
01:21:37,059 --> 01:21:39,026
Look, I hate to harsh
your whole princess trip here

1937
01:21:39,028 --> 01:21:40,627
but I just read through
the book contract

1938
01:21:40,629 --> 01:21:42,529
from Peter Durton.

1939
01:21:42,531 --> 01:21:45,332
And, as your literary agent,
I have to tell you,

1940
01:21:45,334 --> 01:21:48,669
which I hate to tell you
because it is so much money

1941
01:21:48,671 --> 01:21:51,938
and I love money,
but it is the worst deal ever.

1942
01:21:51,940 --> 01:21:52,939
What? Why?

1943
01:21:52,941 --> 01:21:54,441
What's wrong with it?

1944
01:21:54,443 --> 01:21:56,710
It's indentured servitude
with better outfits.

1945
01:21:56,712 --> 01:21:59,780
I mean, seriously,
you have no creative rights.

1946
01:21:59,782 --> 01:22:01,481
He basically owns you.

1947
01:22:01,483 --> 01:22:03,317
He tells you
exactly what to write.

1948
01:22:03,319 --> 01:22:04,885
I mean, granted,
for a lot of money

1949
01:22:04,887 --> 01:22:07,521
and, seriously, better outfits.

1950
01:22:07,523 --> 01:22:08,755
They literally
have the right to dress you.

1951
01:22:08,757 --> 01:22:09,923
What?

1952
01:22:09,925 --> 01:22:11,658
It's like you're Author Barbie.

1953
01:22:11,660 --> 01:22:13,827
All right, well, you know,
we'll just negotiate with him.

1954
01:22:13,829 --> 01:22:16,096
I doubt it.

1955
01:22:16,098 --> 01:22:18,332
Look, you feel free

1956
01:22:18,334 --> 01:22:20,067
to stay here
as long as you want

1957
01:22:20,069 --> 01:22:22,969
and to write a book
that is actually good,

1958
01:22:22,971 --> 01:22:24,971
which I believe
that I can sell.

1959
01:22:24,973 --> 01:22:26,473
All right?

1960
01:22:26,475 --> 01:22:28,675
You know, granted
there's no guarantees but...

1961
01:22:28,677 --> 01:22:32,045
I can't keep
living here for free.

1962
01:22:32,047 --> 01:22:33,413
You keep doing
my grocery shopping

1963
01:22:33,415 --> 01:22:36,583
and you can stay here forever.

1964
01:22:36,585 --> 01:22:38,085
And you have to play Candy Land

1965
01:22:38,087 --> 01:22:40,354
with Sophie any time she asks.

1966
01:22:40,356 --> 01:22:41,355
I love playing Candy Land.

1967
01:22:41,357 --> 01:22:42,589
I'm good at it.

1968
01:22:42,591 --> 01:22:44,491
Okay, well, seriously,
there's no strategy.

1969
01:22:44,493 --> 01:22:45,659
You just pick and what you get
is what you get.

1970
01:22:45,661 --> 01:22:46,893
I mean... No.

1971
01:22:46,895 --> 01:22:47,994
When I play it,
there's strategy.

1972
01:22:47,996 --> 01:22:49,429
Oh, really?
You know how to, like...

1973
01:22:49,431 --> 01:22:50,597
I'm not telling you.
Okay, fine.

1974
01:22:50,599 --> 01:22:52,499
All right.

1975
01:22:52,500 --> 01:22:54,400
Welcome, everybody,
to the Oscars Red Carpet or,

1976
01:22:54,403 --> 01:22:56,270
as I know it,
the Prom of the World,

1977
01:22:56,271 --> 01:22:58,138
where I get to feel
like a buck-toothed wallflower

1978
01:22:58,140 --> 01:22:59,573
without a date.

1979
01:23:05,047 --> 01:23:06,646
You look fabulous.

1980
01:23:06,648 --> 01:23:09,483
Those hair and make-up people
are miracle workers.

1981
01:23:09,485 --> 01:23:11,302
Right.

1982
01:23:11,303 --> 01:23:13,120
BTW, Peter wanted me
to show you this.

1983
01:23:13,122 --> 01:23:14,454
You're gonna love it.

1984
01:23:14,456 --> 01:23:17,424
You are our new star author.

1985
01:23:17,426 --> 01:23:18,792
Congratulations.

1986
01:23:20,162 --> 01:23:22,396
Okay, but this is not me.

1987
01:23:22,398 --> 01:23:24,431
But it will be.

1988
01:23:24,433 --> 01:23:25,799
You should be proud.

1989
01:23:25,801 --> 01:23:29,469
Peter normally only spends
$10,000 on retouching

1990
01:23:29,471 --> 01:23:32,038
but he wanted to fix everything

1991
01:23:32,040 --> 01:23:33,507
that was wrong with you,

1992
01:23:33,509 --> 01:23:37,411
so he put $15,000 towards it.

1993
01:23:37,413 --> 01:23:38,933
I... You look great.

1994
01:23:42,151 --> 01:23:43,583
I should be proud...

1995
01:23:43,585 --> 01:23:46,203
Mm-hm.

1996
01:23:46,204 --> 01:23:48,822
That it cost $15,000
to make me presentable...

1997
01:23:48,824 --> 01:23:50,624
Yeah. As an author.

1998
01:23:50,626 --> 01:23:55,095
It's a compliment, obviously.

1999
01:23:55,097 --> 01:23:56,563
Obviously.

2000
01:24:10,813 --> 01:24:13,547
¶ I am beautiful ¶

2001
01:24:13,549 --> 01:24:16,616
¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

2002
01:24:16,618 --> 01:24:19,619
¶ I only wanna be myself ¶

2003
01:24:19,621 --> 01:24:22,322
Hi.

2004
01:24:22,323 --> 01:24:25,024
Hello, could you just make
a right at the next light?

2005
01:24:25,027 --> 01:24:26,126
What are you doing?

2006
01:24:26,128 --> 01:24:28,228
I just need a latté.

2007
01:24:28,230 --> 01:24:29,996
We don't have time.

2008
01:24:31,200 --> 01:24:33,700
Hi, new star author.

2009
01:24:33,702 --> 01:24:34,734
I say we do.

2010
01:24:37,773 --> 01:24:39,573
I am out of here.

2011
01:24:39,575 --> 01:24:42,242
Wait. Where are you going?

2012
01:24:42,244 --> 01:24:45,045
You have to bring back
the dress and those shoes.

2013
01:24:45,047 --> 01:24:46,880
Have fun at the Oscar.

2014
01:24:46,882 --> 01:24:49,015
Should bring 'em back
dry cleaned as well.

2015
01:24:51,820 --> 01:24:54,955
¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

2016
01:24:54,957 --> 01:24:58,124
¶ I only wanna be myself ¶

2017
01:24:58,126 --> 01:24:59,826
¶ I feel alive ¶

2018
01:24:59,828 --> 01:25:01,928
¶ I feel alive ¶

2019
01:25:01,930 --> 01:25:05,131
¶ And I am beautiful ¶

2020
01:25:05,133 --> 01:25:06,533
Hey.

2021
01:25:09,605 --> 01:25:10,704
Wow.

2022
01:25:10,706 --> 01:25:12,839
You look fancy.

2023
01:25:12,841 --> 01:25:14,274
Thanks.

2024
01:25:14,276 --> 01:25:16,810
Can I show you one thing?

2025
01:25:16,812 --> 01:25:18,211
Yeah.

2026
01:25:18,213 --> 01:25:19,880
It's kind of funny.

2027
01:25:19,882 --> 01:25:24,050
Michael bought this same exact
coffee maker for our house

2028
01:25:24,052 --> 01:25:25,986
and I wanted to be a good wife,

2029
01:25:25,988 --> 01:25:28,622
so I learned how to use it.

2030
01:25:30,592 --> 01:25:32,058
Michael, being Michael,

2031
01:25:32,060 --> 01:25:34,060
he prefers having coffee out

2032
01:25:34,062 --> 01:25:36,596
so, I've noticed lately

2033
01:25:36,598 --> 01:25:39,533
that you're kind of
short-handed around here

2034
01:25:39,535 --> 01:25:43,637
so I was wondering
if you would consider hiring me.

2035
01:25:43,639 --> 01:25:45,672
This is a good latté.
What do you think?

2036
01:25:46,942 --> 01:25:48,275
Yeah, sure.

2037
01:25:48,277 --> 01:25:49,276
Yes? Yeah, sure.

2038
01:25:49,278 --> 01:25:50,544
Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

2039
01:25:50,546 --> 01:25:51,578
I will take the job,

2040
01:25:51,580 --> 01:25:53,880
because, I need a day job

2041
01:25:53,882 --> 01:25:56,716
because I'm gonna try
to write a book.

2042
01:25:57,853 --> 01:26:01,187
That's awesome.
I'm so proud of you.

2043
01:26:01,189 --> 01:26:03,657
Thanks, boss.

2044
01:26:04,626 --> 01:26:06,893
So we'll talk
about this tomorrow.

2045
01:26:06,895 --> 01:26:08,094
I have to go.

2046
01:26:08,096 --> 01:26:09,095
It's a very long story.

2047
01:26:09,097 --> 01:26:10,630
Thank you. Sure.

2048
01:26:10,632 --> 01:26:14,100
Thank you so much.
You're the greatest.

2049
01:26:14,102 --> 01:26:15,735
Bye. See you.

2050
01:26:15,737 --> 01:26:18,038
I'm glad we're finally
getting the extra help

2051
01:26:18,040 --> 01:26:20,840
but you don't pay me enough
to dress like that.

2052
01:26:20,842 --> 01:26:23,276
We've got tons of
impossibly good-looking people

2053
01:26:23,278 --> 01:26:25,645
walking the judgiest
red carpet in the world.

2054
01:26:25,647 --> 01:26:27,180
The excitement
is palpable here.

2055
01:26:27,182 --> 01:26:28,915
We've got limo gridlock.

2056
01:26:28,917 --> 01:26:29,983
We've got...

2057
01:26:38,927 --> 01:26:40,160
If your cellulite
isn't packed into

2058
01:26:40,162 --> 01:26:42,663
at least three layers of Spanx,

2059
01:26:42,664 --> 01:26:45,165
a billion people will see
all the junk in your trunk.

2060
01:26:59,948 --> 01:27:02,749
The Oscars are gay.
Going to Mom's.

2061
01:27:10,859 --> 01:27:12,292
He likes you.

2062
01:27:12,294 --> 01:27:13,927
What?

2063
01:27:13,929 --> 01:27:16,096
He's trying to be
a good wingman.

2064
01:27:16,098 --> 01:27:19,032
He loves the Oscars.

2065
01:27:19,034 --> 01:27:20,734
Is he homophobic?

2066
01:27:20,736 --> 01:27:23,036
Oh, no. His best friend's gay.

2067
01:27:25,307 --> 01:27:27,407
Sometimes I think,

2068
01:27:27,409 --> 01:27:29,109
the only reason to have kids

2069
01:27:29,111 --> 01:27:33,079
is to feel stupid all the time.

2070
01:27:33,081 --> 01:27:36,383
You look gorgeous.

2071
01:27:36,385 --> 01:27:38,718
It takes a village, apparently.

2072
01:27:47,062 --> 01:27:50,430
Oh, that was so nice.

2073
01:27:50,432 --> 01:27:53,266
I'm a nice guy.

2074
01:27:53,268 --> 01:27:55,435
Yeah, I figured that out.

2075
01:27:55,437 --> 01:27:58,338
I don't know what to do
with a nice guy.

2076
01:27:58,340 --> 01:28:00,874
Would you like some pizza?

2077
01:28:00,876 --> 01:28:04,911
He took the meat lovers,
but I have some cheese.

2078
01:28:04,913 --> 01:28:07,213
You know, I would actually
kill for pizza.

2079
01:28:07,215 --> 01:28:09,449
George, how are you?
How excited are you?

2080
01:28:09,451 --> 01:28:11,017
Yeah, I'm excited.

2081
01:28:19,127 --> 01:28:21,027
Here you go.

2082
01:28:21,029 --> 01:28:24,164
Thank you.

2083
01:28:24,166 --> 01:28:25,799
Thanks.

2084
01:28:25,801 --> 01:28:31,905
¶ Now that we are
Both sharing ¶

2085
01:28:31,907 --> 01:28:39,846
¶ The moment We fell in love ¶

2086
01:28:39,848 --> 01:28:41,281
¶ The moment We fell in love ¶

2087
01:28:41,283 --> 01:28:42,982
Earlier this semester,

2088
01:28:42,984 --> 01:28:47,020
before my bad lip job
went viral,

2089
01:28:47,022 --> 01:28:51,458
I asked you guys who do you
think is a feminist icon.

2090
01:28:51,460 --> 01:28:57,063
And I've been
thinking about it,

2091
01:28:57,065 --> 01:29:01,434
and I think that here
in Deborah's department,

2092
01:29:01,436 --> 01:29:03,620
no one is.

2093
01:29:03,621 --> 01:29:05,805
I can't be honest with
my students about anything,

2094
01:29:05,807 --> 01:29:07,807
not even my own fat.

2095
01:29:07,809 --> 01:29:10,410
So,

2096
01:29:10,412 --> 01:29:13,113
I have actually
resigned my position.

2097
01:29:13,115 --> 01:29:15,115
What? Yeah.

2098
01:29:15,117 --> 01:29:16,149
I know.

2099
01:29:17,352 --> 01:29:19,319
I'm gonna write a book,

2100
01:29:19,321 --> 01:29:20,954
which I'm really excited about

2101
01:29:20,956 --> 01:29:23,056
but I'm also really terrified.

2102
01:29:25,093 --> 01:29:26,760
But the biggest thing is
that I'm just really

2103
01:29:26,762 --> 01:29:29,095
gonna miss all of you.

2104
01:29:29,097 --> 01:29:34,167
And so I decided to make
presents for you guys.

2105
01:29:34,169 --> 01:29:36,136
I hope you like them.

2106
01:29:36,138 --> 01:29:38,204
This shirt fits everybody.

2107
01:29:38,206 --> 01:29:41,841
It fits anybody that actually
really cares about equality,

2108
01:29:41,843 --> 01:29:43,777
regardless of gender.

2109
01:29:43,779 --> 01:29:47,046
Because to me, that's what
a feminist looks like.

2110
01:29:47,048 --> 01:29:50,250
And I just really
want to thank you

2111
01:29:50,252 --> 01:29:52,285
for letting me be your teacher.

2112
01:29:52,287 --> 01:29:53,319
I've loved it.

2113
01:29:56,558 --> 01:29:58,057
Who wants a shirt?
Who wants a shirt?

2114
01:29:58,059 --> 01:29:59,420
Yeah. I do.

2115
01:30:01,029 --> 01:30:03,863
What? Don't look at me
like that.

2116
01:30:03,865 --> 01:30:05,098
I'm gonna miss you so much.

2117
01:30:05,100 --> 01:30:08,568
Oh, honey, oh, I know.
We're real friends.

2118
01:30:08,570 --> 01:30:10,203
I'm gonna see you all the time.

2119
01:30:10,205 --> 01:30:11,271
Oh, don't.

2120
01:30:11,273 --> 01:30:13,373
Oh, honey, it's gonna be fine.

2121
01:30:25,387 --> 01:30:27,020
Cheese!

2122
01:30:27,022 --> 01:30:29,889
¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

2123
01:30:29,891 --> 01:30:32,592
¶ I only wanna be myself ¶

2124
01:30:32,594 --> 01:30:34,294
¶ I feel alive ¶

2125
01:30:34,296 --> 01:30:35,595
¶ I feel alive ¶

2126
01:30:35,597 --> 01:30:38,031
¶ And I am beautiful ¶

2127
01:30:38,033 --> 01:30:41,000
¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

2128
01:30:41,002 --> 01:30:44,137
¶ I'm happy when
I'm just myself ¶

2129
01:30:44,139 --> 01:30:45,405
¶ I feel alive ¶

2130
01:30:45,407 --> 01:30:46,906
¶ I feel alive ¶

2131
01:30:46,908 --> 01:30:49,175
¶ And I am beautiful ¶

2132
01:31:17,939 --> 01:31:20,473
When I met Suzanne,

2133
01:31:20,475 --> 01:31:21,941
I thought one thing.

2134
01:31:21,943 --> 01:31:23,877
I thought, "There's a woman."

2135
01:31:23,879 --> 01:31:25,979
And the second thing
I thought was,

2136
01:31:25,981 --> 01:31:28,014
and I don't
like to use this word

2137
01:31:28,016 --> 01:31:29,649
but in my profession I have to,

2138
01:31:29,651 --> 01:31:31,918
"There's a fat woman."

2139
01:31:31,920 --> 01:31:34,287
And when she, God help me,

2140
01:31:34,289 --> 01:31:35,488
I hate to use this word too,

2141
01:31:35,490 --> 01:31:38,925
when she waddled
into my room and she,

2142
01:31:38,927 --> 01:31:40,627
and I hate to use this word,

2143
01:31:40,629 --> 01:31:43,429
"sat her fatness down,"

2144
01:31:43,431 --> 01:31:44,998
I tried to look her in the eye.

2145
01:31:45,000 --> 01:31:46,366
But all I could do
was look her in the fat

2146
01:31:46,368 --> 01:31:47,500
and I thought,

2147
01:31:47,502 --> 01:31:48,935
"If I don't help
this woman now,

2148
01:31:48,937 --> 01:31:51,971
she'll be dead within a week."

2149
01:31:51,973 --> 01:31:54,641
¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

2150
01:31:54,643 --> 01:31:57,510
¶ I only wanna be myself ¶

2151
01:31:57,512 --> 01:31:58,978
¶ I feel alive ¶

2152
01:31:58,980 --> 01:32:00,513
¶ I feel alive ¶

2153
01:32:00,515 --> 01:32:03,116
¶ And I am beautiful ¶

2154
01:32:03,118 --> 01:32:06,052
¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

2155
01:32:06,054 --> 01:32:08,955
¶ I'm happy when
I'm Just myself ¶

2156
01:32:08,957 --> 01:32:10,290
¶ I feel alive ¶

2157
01:32:10,292 --> 01:32:11,624
¶ I feel alive ¶

2158
01:32:11,626 --> 01:32:14,527
¶ And I am beautiful ¶

2159
01:32:20,001 --> 01:32:23,269
¶ Make me an offer
That I can't refuse ¶

2160
01:32:23,271 --> 01:32:26,372
¶ Make me a promise
That I can turn to ¶

2161
01:32:26,374 --> 01:32:32,445
¶ In times of need ¶

2162
01:32:32,447 --> 01:32:35,615
¶ So when I turn left ¶

2163
01:32:35,617 --> 01:32:39,953
¶ It's only me and you ¶

2164
01:32:39,955 --> 01:32:43,289
¶ And it doesn't bother me ¶

2165
01:32:43,291 --> 01:32:48,161
¶ To be so true ¶

2166
01:32:52,467 --> 01:32:59,205
¶ I don't know why
He does these things ¶

2167
01:32:59,207 --> 01:33:06,479
¶ I don't know why
You go with him ¶

2168
01:33:06,481 --> 01:33:13,286
¶ All the time ¶

2169
01:33:13,288 --> 01:33:17,590
¶ All the time ¶

2170
01:33:41,216 --> 01:33:47,720
¶ The earth continued turning ¶

2171
01:33:47,722 --> 01:33:54,160
¶ There was no lightning
From above ¶

2172
01:33:54,162 --> 01:34:00,133
¶ It was my hands
That were shaking ¶

2173
01:34:00,135 --> 01:34:08,135
¶ The moment we fell in love ¶

2174
01:34:10,779 --> 01:34:17,383
¶ It was my knees
That were trembling ¶

2175
01:34:17,385 --> 01:34:24,223
¶ And my nerves
That came undone ¶

2176
01:34:24,225 --> 01:34:30,129
¶ It was my heart
Pounding like thunder ¶

2177
01:34:30,131 --> 01:34:38,131
¶ The moment We fell in love ¶

2178
01:34:38,139 --> 01:34:41,274
¶ And I hope you realize ¶

2179
01:34:41,276 --> 01:34:44,777
¶ What you see Inside my eyes ¶

2180
01:34:44,779 --> 01:34:51,284
¶ Is a love That never dies ¶

2181
01:34:51,286 --> 01:34:54,420
¶ I will hold you
When you cry ¶

2182
01:34:54,422 --> 01:34:58,124
¶ Lay beside you In the night ¶

2183
01:34:58,126 --> 01:35:04,497
¶ I am your best
Friend for life ¶

2184
01:35:24,385 --> 01:35:31,190
¶ I've been trying
To put it into words ¶

2185
01:35:31,192 --> 01:35:37,363
¶ But the words
Don't seem enough ¶

2186
01:35:37,365 --> 01:35:39,799
¶ Perhaps when we stand here ¶

2187
01:35:39,801 --> 01:35:42,502
¶ And say "I do" ¶

2188
01:35:42,504 --> 01:35:50,504
¶ It's another moment
We'll fall in love ¶

2189
01:35:50,778 --> 01:35:53,279
¶ Perhaps when we stand here ¶

2190
01:35:53,281 --> 01:35:56,149
¶ And say "I do" ¶

2191
01:35:56,151 --> 01:36:03,222
¶ It's another moment
We'll fall in love ¶