1 00:00:33,492 --> 00:00:35,915 I'm gonna- I'm gonna fuckin' piss my pants. 2 00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:42,134 Hey, if you wanna watch this video, please go to our Web site- 3 00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:44,052 akumenang.com 4 00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:46,221 - N-O-T- - S-E-E. 5 00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:47,969 Not Nazi with a “Z.” 6 00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:51,348 That'd be like a cross-dressing Adolph Eichmann-Liza Minnelli impersonator. 7 00:00:51,426 --> 00:00:54,851 If I die of laughter during this segment, I don't want you to feel bad. 8 00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:58,685 I want you all to know that I died happy, because this video is the greatest thing ever. 9 00:00:58,767 --> 00:01:01,691 You seen how many hits he has? It's up to, like, 30-something million. 10 00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:03,317 Here we- Here we go. 11 00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:48,363 - Shit. Oh! - What the fuck? 12 00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:50,069 I'm gonna talk to this kid about everything. 13 00:01:50,152 --> 00:01:51,950 I wanna know what he masturbates to. 14 00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:54,623 I wanna know if he kept the leg! Did he keep the leg? 15 00:01:54,698 --> 00:01:56,575 I gotta say though, man, I've watched this video enough... 16 00:01:56,658 --> 00:02:00,208 I'm starting to feel bad for the kid. I'm not laughed out yet, but I'm feelin' bad for him. 17 00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,210 Feeling bad? The kid's got tons of hits! 18 00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:05,964 'Cause he's famous, right? I mean, what more do you want? He's got more hits than I do. 19 00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:09,764 I'm kinda in a weird way jealous. I don't need both legs. I'm not running marathons. 20 00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:11,260 So look out, you crazy Canucks. 21 00:02:11,340 --> 00:02:13,092 Something weird-ass this way comes. 22 00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:15,598 Next week, wandering Wallace takes a raunchy road trip... 23 00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:18,396 up to the Great White North to meet with a star. 24 00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:20,474 My only hope is that he doesn't cry too much. 25 00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:24,778 Join us next week while Wallace sits down with the, uh, one-legged wonder... 26 00:02:24,853 --> 00:02:29,108 the master of self-mutilation, of Internet humiliation, the Kill Bill Kid. 27 00:02:29,191 --> 00:02:31,489 Which is about all you can do if you're the Kill Bill Kid- 28 00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:33,821 You just sit your one-legged ass down forever. 29 00:02:33,904 --> 00:02:35,702 - Oh! - It was too easy! It was right there! 30 00:02:35,781 --> 00:02:38,625 - You're goin' to hell, man. - They're like plums, like low-hangin' plums. 31 00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:40,953 - I had to grab it. - Until next time, I'm Teddy Craft. 32 00:02:41,036 --> 00:02:43,755 And this is Wallace Bryton, reminding you to... 33 00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:46,709 join the Not-See Party. 34 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,353 Welcome to Canada. 35 00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:03,149 Yo. 36 00:03:04,309 --> 00:03:05,811 Hey there. 37 00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:08,864 Hey there, yourself, uh, fellow facial hair aficionado. 38 00:03:08,939 --> 00:03:10,941 Yeah, not as good as you. My God. 39 00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:12,947 - New Jersey, eh? - Yeah, years back. 40 00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:15,404 Now it's, uh, “Los Angle-eez.” 41 00:03:15,487 --> 00:03:18,411 A man torn betwixt devils and kings. 42 00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:24,497 - Oh! Hockey. - Yeah, you're damn right, hockey. 43 00:03:24,579 --> 00:03:27,799 Mmm. Don't really follow hockey. 44 00:03:27,874 --> 00:03:31,299 Okay. Hands off the counter, please. 45 00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:33,722 - Really? - Yeah, really. Thank you. 46 00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:35,140 - Sorry. - “Sore-y." 47 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,967 - “Sore-y.” - “Sore-y." 48 00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:37,972 “Sore-y.” 49 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:40,270 When you're visiting the Great White North of Canada... 50 00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:43,645 you got your Sana-dos, and you got your Cana-don'ts. 51 00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:45,567 Top shelf, right there, number one: 52 00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:48,771 Don't go tellin' a Canadian you don't follow hockey. 53 00:03:48,854 --> 00:03:50,948 Of course. I should have known that. Makes 'em sad, right? 54 00:03:51,022 --> 00:03:52,740 A Canadian doesn't get sad. 55 00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:54,693 Sadness was made by the USA. 56 00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:57,529 - Oh, come on. What does that mean? - Take off! It's true! 57 00:03:57,612 --> 00:03:59,285 Right there on our flag. 58 00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:02,368 It's right there when you look at it, and you see past that sacred maple leaf. 59 00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:04,545 - You know what you've seen? - A white wall. 60 00:04:04,619 --> 00:04:06,587 You see that in America... 61 00:04:06,663 --> 00:04:08,506 you may be red, white and blue. 62 00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:13,179 But in Canada, you're red, white, but never blue, eh? 63 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,005 - Ever. - Gotcha. 64 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:17,341 That's actually- I've never thought of it that way before. 65 00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:19,347 I always think of Canadians as just nice. 66 00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:21,428 Well, that right there is another Cana-don't. 67 00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:23,388 We're not nice, we're optimistic. There's a difference. 68 00:04:23,472 --> 00:04:25,190 - Right. - And we're tolerant. 69 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,939 - Mmm. - And we're hung like moose. 70 00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:29,565 Oh. 71 00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:34,358 That's good. 72 00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:39,283 Back to business then. What are you doing in Manitoba? 73 00:04:39,362 --> 00:04:41,831 Um, I'm, uh- I'm recording a podcast. 74 00:04:41,907 --> 00:04:45,377 So what I do is I-l, uh- I travel around... 75 00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:48,205 and I interview weird or interesting people... 76 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,086 and I describe it to my best friend... 77 00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:53,044 who does not see it firsthand... 78 00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,628 since he won't fly anywhere. 79 00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:58,011 - It's call the Not-See Party. - Whoa, whoa. The Nazi Party? 80 00:04:58,089 --> 00:05:01,593 Oh, no, it's- it's spelled N-O-T-S-E-E. 81 00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:04,555 Not the other... hatey one. You know? 82 00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,891 - That was Hitler. - You don't say “Hitler” in an airport. 83 00:05:18,777 --> 00:05:20,199 All right. 84 00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:41,641 What the fuck is this? 85 00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:07,785 Hey. 86 00:06:08,994 --> 00:06:10,496 Shit. 87 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,931 Oh, fuck. 88 00:06:29,681 --> 00:06:32,230 Hey, fucker. Are you ready for this? 89 00:06:32,934 --> 00:06:37,405 Fuckin' Kill Bill Kid fucking killed himself, sir... 90 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:38,982 with his own fuckin' sword. 91 00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:43,115 You believe that shit? I am not fucking kidding you. 92 00:06:43,194 --> 00:06:46,664 Couldn't hold out for two more days, selfish little peg-leg piece of shit. 93 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,368 I'm so pissed off right now. I gotta find a flight back tonight. 94 00:06:49,451 --> 00:06:51,453 I'm thinkin' I don't want to come all the way back with nothin'. 95 00:06:51,536 --> 00:06:53,379 We need a show this week, so... 96 00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:56,208 I'm in fuckin' Winnipeg in a bar... 97 00:06:56,291 --> 00:07:00,091 called, uh, Bar H. 98 00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:02,343 I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do. 99 00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:06,393 Try to find some other Canadian weirdo up here I can talk to, but- 100 00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:10,223 I gotta be honest, man. There is nothin' weird about Canada. 101 00:07:10,305 --> 00:07:13,400 It is painfully boring up here. 102 00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:17,730 But, shit, $550 for a fuckin' plane ticket. 103 00:07:17,812 --> 00:07:19,814 Selfish little prick. 104 00:07:19,898 --> 00:07:24,074 I know it's fucked up to say, but, goddamn it, it's killin' me. 105 00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:25,950 All right. 106 00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:28,157 Signin' off from the Great White North. 107 00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:34,667 Oh, shit. Beep. 108 00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:37,165 Hey, man, where's your bathroom? 109 00:07:59,229 --> 00:08:01,323 Hello. I'm an old man... 110 00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:04,322 who has enjoyed a long and storied life at sea. 111 00:08:04,401 --> 00:08:09,407 I'm a proud Canadian who has traveled a peculiar path lo these many years. 112 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:14,916 And after aeons of oceanic adventure, I find myself a landlubber... 113 00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:17,714 with Manitoba as my final port. 114 00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:23,216 I know I do not wish to spend my remaining years alone in a giant house- - . 115 00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:26,047 not when I have such stories to share. 116 00:08:30,135 --> 00:08:34,060 No, it's-it's not the room I'm interested in, as much as you, Mr. Howe. 117 00:08:34,139 --> 00:08:36,608 Yeah- Tonight would be- That'd be amazing, sir. 118 00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:39,436 Yes, thank you. Uh, where am I going? 119 00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:42,193 Bifrost? Sounds erotic. 120 00:08:43,231 --> 00:08:45,450 Okay, let me just ask somebody how far I am. 121 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,698 Excuse me. Hey, uh- 122 00:08:47,777 --> 00:08:49,370 Uh, how far is Bifrost from here? 123 00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:51,790 Bifrost? Shit, that's far. 124 00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,492 Yeah, it's “aboot” two hours from here. 125 00:08:53,575 --> 00:08:55,623 Yeah, the kids here at the convenience store are telling me... 126 00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,625 that it's “aboot” two hours away. 127 00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:59,422 I hate American guys. 128 00:08:59,497 --> 00:09:00,999 Yeah. What's your address? 129 00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:03,801 So to this end, I'm offering a room for rent... 130 00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:06,005 in my stately woodland home. 131 00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:08,306 This arrangement will be free of charge... 132 00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:12,807 providing you perform the simple household chores I can no longer tend to... 133 00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:15,139 from the confines of this cursed wheelchair. 134 00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:19,522 But though I may be old, I have lived. 135 00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:24,528 And I will tell you all about my many adventures... in vivid detail. 136 00:09:24,606 --> 00:09:28,236 Please feel free to call me at the number below. 137 00:09:28,318 --> 00:09:31,618 Respectfully, Howard Howe. 138 00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:40,339 All right. This better be fuckin' worth it. 139 00:09:47,670 --> 00:09:51,675 You have arrived at your destination. 140 00:10:53,236 --> 00:10:55,238 Hello? Hello? 141 00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:57,949 Hello. Up here, please. 142 00:11:02,745 --> 00:11:04,964 Hello? Hello? 143 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,877 Good evening. 144 00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:12,676 - Mr. Howe? - Well, actually, it's Howard. 145 00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:15,304 Mr. Howard. Hey- 146 00:11:15,383 --> 00:11:18,432 You know, when people first become entangled with my name... 147 00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:22,061 it's much like a French bedroom farce. 148 00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:28,567 Now, Mr. Howe would be appropriate, but I prefer the intimacy of Howard. 149 00:11:28,646 --> 00:11:29,818 Howard. 150 00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:33,152 Now that we have that unpleasantness out of the way... 151 00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:36,454 may I welcome you to Pippy Hill, my home. 152 00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,827 Oh, yes, it's great. It's nice to meet you. 153 00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:41,205 Pleasure. Pleasure. 154 00:11:41,284 --> 00:11:43,161 Could I interest you in some tea? 155 00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:47,465 You can, but first, uh... can I use your bathroom? 156 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,008 Smashing. 157 00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,263 God. 158 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,721 Whew! 159 00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:04,353 Hoo-wa. 160 00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:11,356 Oh, Jesus. 161 00:12:27,622 --> 00:12:28,919 Whoo. 162 00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:36,923 Well, did everything come out all right? 163 00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:39,259 Ah, yeah. Great. 164 00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:42,687 - Thank you. - You're welcome. There's your tea. 165 00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,605 All right, thank you. 166 00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:47,355 Yeah, my second wife- 167 00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:50,061 and I presume my last- 168 00:12:50,144 --> 00:12:52,647 used to say, bless her heart... 169 00:12:52,730 --> 00:12:56,155 “Rather saint than sin, better out than in.” 170 00:12:56,234 --> 00:12:59,454 She was referring to gas, of course. Her own, mind you. 171 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,037 That's great. 172 00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:06,461 - This- Thank you. - You bet. 173 00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:14,047 Goddamn, this is good. 174 00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:19,344 So, did you find the water closet satisfactory? 175 00:13:19,424 --> 00:13:21,426 Oh, yes. Thank you so much. 176 00:13:21,509 --> 00:13:25,514 Hoo! It was great. I was holding it in for half the ride. 177 00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:28,224 It's a little embarrassing, but, um... 178 00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:31,403 I was kind of spooked to get out of the car in the middle of nowhere. 179 00:13:32,603 --> 00:13:33,900 You know? 180 00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:36,028 I must say... 181 00:13:36,107 --> 00:13:39,111 your phone call intrigued me. 182 00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:42,868 Well, I'm telling you, your handbill intrigued me. 183 00:13:47,452 --> 00:13:49,546 Did I understand you correctly on the phone when you said... 184 00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:51,497 you weren't looking for a living arrangement? 185 00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:54,334 Mm-mmm. No, I live in Los Angeles. 186 00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:55,919 - Oh. - Yeah. 187 00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:58,130 City of Angels. 188 00:13:58,212 --> 00:14:00,635 Well, I've never seen any myself. 189 00:14:00,715 --> 00:14:02,558 More the opposite really. 190 00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:04,306 My Grandma Mimsy used to tell us... 191 00:14:04,385 --> 00:14:07,889 “You needn't go very far to find hell in a handbasket.” 192 00:14:10,224 --> 00:14:12,647 I like that. I like Mimsy. 193 00:14:12,727 --> 00:14:15,105 Oh, my grandma- my grandma used to say... 194 00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:16,940 “Hell is your children.” 195 00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:18,696 - Oh. - Chain-smoker. 196 00:14:18,775 --> 00:14:20,869 “Hell is your children.” She was the worst. 197 00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:24,413 How droll. Bet she must have been an interesting woman. 198 00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:27,163 Now, she was flatulent. Let me tell you. 199 00:14:27,241 --> 00:14:30,666 I've never seen anything like it. Or smelled anything like it. 200 00:14:30,745 --> 00:14:33,373 She would hang stuff on her walls too, just like you. 201 00:14:33,456 --> 00:14:36,756 My life lines these walls, Mr. Bryton. 202 00:14:36,834 --> 00:14:41,635 And though I cannot boast of legs that are functioning and... 203 00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:44,137 that keep me ambulatory... 204 00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:47,346 I still thank the Lord for leaving me with a memory- 205 00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:50,773 a living memory of my many adventures. 206 00:14:50,848 --> 00:14:53,772 Yeah, those adventures are what I'm here about, Mr. Howe. 207 00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:58,322 You said on the phone you were much more interested in me personally than the room. 208 00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,821 Yes, because I saw this. 209 00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:03,111 - Oh. - Yeah. 210 00:15:03,194 --> 00:15:07,040 I'm up here in this frozen shithole, I think my trip is a bust... 211 00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:10,244 and I feel like I just stumbled into a gold mine with this thing. 212 00:15:10,326 --> 00:15:13,205 And you talk about sharing stories. That's what I do. 213 00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:14,880 I'm a storyteller by trade. 214 00:15:14,956 --> 00:15:17,084 Oh, I see. You're a writer? 215 00:15:17,166 --> 00:15:20,295 Well- I'm a podcaster. 216 00:15:20,378 --> 00:15:23,006 - What on earth is that? - Oh- 217 00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:25,842 I'm sorry. I'm not laughing at you. 218 00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:28,269 You just- You just reminded me of my mom. 219 00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:30,312 “Wally, what are you doing?” 220 00:15:30,388 --> 00:15:32,686 Oh, she's the worst. You're fantastic. 221 00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:37,487 Um, a podcast is kind of like- it's like a radio show that's not on the radio. 222 00:15:37,562 --> 00:15:39,860 It's on- It's on the Internet. 223 00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,657 - Does that make sense? - Uh-huh. 224 00:15:41,732 --> 00:15:44,110 Yeah. That's also like my mom. 225 00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:46,287 It makes it sound more confusing, doesn't it? 226 00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:47,705 Uh, it sounds like this. 227 00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:50,579 Right, now, you listen- Now, you listen to me. 228 00:15:50,658 --> 00:15:52,205 I just came in my pants. 229 00:15:54,162 --> 00:15:56,460 That's my- That's my McConaughey prematurely ejaculating. 230 00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:07,512 Gonna piss my pants. 231 00:16:07,592 --> 00:16:11,017 You can actually say those things without any repercussion? 232 00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:15,271 Yeah, the audience likes it real and raunchy, so I try to keep it real and raunchy- 233 00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:16,896 and real raunchy. 234 00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:21,151 You know, the freedoms your generation enjoys- 235 00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:23,107 - Mm-mmm. - Oh, I tell you, the- 236 00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:26,161 Libertines, the lot of you. 237 00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:28,617 Can I just tell you something? 238 00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:31,540 This is gonna sound really weird, but I've never had tea like this. 239 00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:34,460 It's blowing my mind. I feel like I've never had tea in my life. 240 00:16:34,535 --> 00:16:37,539 Rm, like, popping my cherry. 241 00:16:37,622 --> 00:16:39,169 I'm not even a tea person. 242 00:16:39,957 --> 00:16:42,176 I believe we're all tea people. 243 00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:44,174 There's a trick to it, you see. 244 00:16:44,253 --> 00:16:47,302 You soak the leaves in brandy before steeping. 245 00:16:47,381 --> 00:16:49,884 Of course. Can't lose with booze. 246 00:16:51,761 --> 00:16:54,310 No, always do sober what you do drunk. 247 00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:58,734 - That'll teach you to keep your mouth shut. - Okay, now, this one I know. 248 00:16:58,809 --> 00:17:01,107 - Hemingway said that. - Yes, he did. 249 00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:04,615 And he said it to me. 250 00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:10,910 - You knew Ernest Hemingway? - Well, we met on the waters of Normandy. 251 00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:13,999 You were there for D-Day? 252 00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:18,205 No, I was there before D-Day. I was there when it was called Operation Neptune. 253 00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:20,039 Holy- Hold on. 254 00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:21,874 You were on the beach? 255 00:17:21,958 --> 00:17:24,837 - No, no. I was on a boat, as was Ernie. - Ernie? 256 00:17:24,919 --> 00:17:27,843 And Ernie was deemed “precious cargo” by the powers that be... 257 00:17:27,922 --> 00:17:30,892 so he was prohibited from joining the incursion. 258 00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:33,686 They ordered Hemingway to stay on the boat? Are you kidding? 259 00:17:33,761 --> 00:17:38,187 Yes, they did, which vexed Mr. Hemingway, to say the least. 260 00:17:38,266 --> 00:17:41,486 - You know how he loved to hunt the big game? - Yeah. 261 00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:46,032 The big and the deadly? Well, there was nothing bigger or deadlier than a Nazi. 262 00:17:46,107 --> 00:17:49,361 Except perhaps a Nazi's nagging wife. 263 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:52,826 Nazi bitches, of course. 264 00:17:55,116 --> 00:17:58,837 And so, prohibited from joining the incursion... 265 00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:02,711 Hemingway went to the galley in search of alcohol. 266 00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,542 And the only one to oblige him, of course... 267 00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:08,129 was a 16-year-old potato peeler on KP duty. 268 00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:11,887 Oh, my God! 269 00:18:11,966 --> 00:18:13,934 Holy shit. No kidding. 270 00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:15,353 Yes. 271 00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:18,557 So I proffered for Mr. Hemingway a bottle of Weiser. 272 00:18:18,639 --> 00:18:22,018 And I'll never forget what he did next. 273 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:26,197 There was this smile crawled across the man's face. 274 00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:29,446 It was so slow, as if it were a caterpillar. 275 00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:32,529 Then he turned to me and slapped me on the back, and he said... 276 00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:36,992 “You are a kitchen witch of only good fortune.” 277 00:18:37,074 --> 00:18:39,122 “Kitchen witch”? 278 00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,330 God- 279 00:18:42,413 --> 00:18:44,711 So we drank Weiser, and... 280 00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:47,669 when reports came back of how many... 281 00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:53,257 boys had fallen... at Omaha... 282 00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:55,218 that's when he said to me... 283 00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:58,225 “Only do sober what you do drunk. 284 00:18:58,304 --> 00:19:01,558 It will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” 285 00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:04,736 Oh, God! That's- 286 00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:07,529 That's nuts, man! 287 00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:09,607 That's incredible. 288 00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:12,534 Well, actually, if you look to the right of the fireplace... 289 00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:14,533 you'll see the incredible aspect. 290 00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:21,206 This is the bottle? 291 00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:24,167 Holy shit. 292 00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:27,045 This is the coolest thing I've ever seen. 293 00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:32,005 Well, it's just an old bottle, but if you combine it with the story, then it becomes a- 294 00:19:32,088 --> 00:19:36,810 if I may say so, a powerful talisman, a doorway to another time and place. 295 00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:39,512 Perhaps a drawbridge to history. 296 00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:42,769 Yeah. So fucking cool. 297 00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:47,228 Hey, what's this? 298 00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,409 Ah. 299 00:19:53,484 --> 00:19:56,988 I see you have an eye for the unfamiliar and the curiosity of a cat. 300 00:19:57,071 --> 00:19:59,745 That should take you very far. 301 00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:02,828 That's the baculum of a walrus. 302 00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:05,584 The, uh, Alaskans call it an oosik. 303 00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:07,791 Oosik. 304 00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:11,218 Oh, whoa. So it's like a- like a walrus spine? 305 00:20:11,293 --> 00:20:13,421 No, it's more like a walrus cock. 306 00:20:14,922 --> 00:20:16,765 Shut up. 307 00:20:16,841 --> 00:20:18,343 I'm a dirty boy, aren't I? 308 00:20:18,426 --> 00:20:20,019 That's a walrus dick? 309 00:20:20,094 --> 00:20:22,438 No, no. That's the baculum. 310 00:20:22,513 --> 00:20:25,642 That's the bone that's found in the penis of most placental mammals... 311 00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:27,477 excluding man, of course. 312 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,312 Ah, that's not fair. 313 00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:33,946 Well, it is an aid of sexual intercourse. 314 00:20:34,024 --> 00:20:37,574 It maintains a stiffness for the animal during coital penetration. 315 00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:40,998 You got something like this between your legs, you don't need any help with coital penetration. 316 00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:43,201 Jesus Christ! 317 00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:46,413 You're a rapscallion of the highest order, Mr. Bryton. 318 00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:48,338 - Can I get my hands on it? - Yes, of course. 319 00:20:48,414 --> 00:20:49,757 Wow. 320 00:20:49,832 --> 00:20:53,928 Oh, what? This is crazy. 321 00:20:54,003 --> 00:20:56,176 You would be right to admire the walrus. 322 00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:59,304 It is probably God's most noble creature. 323 00:20:59,383 --> 00:21:02,978 Far more evolved than any man I've ever known. 324 00:21:04,722 --> 00:21:06,599 Present company included. 325 00:21:06,682 --> 00:21:09,151 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 326 00:21:09,977 --> 00:21:11,445 Appreciate that. 327 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:14,319 So where'd you buy something like this? A head shop? 328 00:21:16,525 --> 00:21:21,531 Well, I became acquainted with a walrus when I was lost at sea. 329 00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:25,414 - Shut the front door. You were lost at sea? - Yes. 330 00:21:25,493 --> 00:21:27,461 Who are you, Rudyard fucking Kipling? 331 00:21:27,536 --> 00:21:30,540 In 1959... 332 00:21:30,623 --> 00:21:34,093 I was back on a boat on the, uh, Gulf of Anadyr... 333 00:21:34,168 --> 00:21:36,591 which is the southern coast of Siberia... 334 00:21:36,670 --> 00:21:38,593 in Chukchi Peninsula. 335 00:21:38,672 --> 00:21:41,016 Perhaps the best years of my life. 336 00:21:41,091 --> 00:21:44,721 And my culinary capabilities on small seafaring vessels... 337 00:21:44,804 --> 00:21:46,727 earned me my passport to the world. 338 00:21:46,806 --> 00:21:49,275 As a matter of fact, it was my magic with a halibut... 339 00:21:49,350 --> 00:21:52,604 that landed me the chefs position on the Anastasia... 340 00:21:52,686 --> 00:21:56,281 as we traversed into Soviet waters, exploring. 341 00:21:56,357 --> 00:22:00,578 - Wait, so this is, like, Cold War stuff? - No, no, no, no. 342 00:22:00,653 --> 00:22:05,124 We were in search of the Siberian great white. 343 00:22:05,199 --> 00:22:08,078 The great white shark? No way. 344 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:12,666 Yes. And the Russians call the hungry god... “the whale eater.” 345 00:22:12,748 --> 00:22:14,250 Oh. 346 00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:18,133 It's purported to be 25 feet in length, with some three tons on him. 347 00:22:18,212 --> 00:22:20,385 What? 348 00:22:20,464 --> 00:22:23,968 - Holy shit. Did you find him? - No, no. 349 00:22:24,051 --> 00:22:28,773 No, no. We only found death off the Chukchi Peninsula. 350 00:22:30,432 --> 00:22:34,653 In the inky heart of night, the Anastasia collided with an iceberg. 351 00:22:34,728 --> 00:22:40,235 And I watched the ship disappear in minutes into the black Russian sea... 352 00:22:41,735 --> 00:22:47,413 and heard the screams from the crew silenced in the Siberian brine. 353 00:22:47,491 --> 00:22:50,995 So what happened after the boat sank? 354 00:22:51,078 --> 00:22:52,625 I was alone. 355 00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:57,714 “Alone, alone, all alone on a wide, wide sea... 356 00:22:58,627 --> 00:23:02,632 and never a saint took pity on my soul in agony.” 357 00:23:03,299 --> 00:23:05,677 The Rime of the Ancient Mariner. 358 00:23:05,759 --> 00:23:09,480 Well remembered, Mr. Bryton. Well remembered. 359 00:23:09,555 --> 00:23:12,308 But, you know, when the screaming stopped, I thought I was alone... 360 00:23:12,391 --> 00:23:17,272 until something very swift and frightening moved by me. 361 00:23:18,981 --> 00:23:23,282 “The many men, so beautiful. 362 00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:25,203 And they all dead did lie. 363 00:23:25,279 --> 00:23:30,331 And a thousand, thousand slimy things lived on, and so did I.” 364 00:23:31,410 --> 00:23:34,914 God. How scared were you? 365 00:23:34,997 --> 00:23:39,548 Oh, I don't mind admitting I was terrified. 366 00:23:39,627 --> 00:23:42,972 I know you've probably been scared a few times in your life, Mr. Bryton... 367 00:23:43,047 --> 00:23:47,097 but I would wager to say that you've never known true terror. 368 00:23:47,176 --> 00:23:52,273 And I became intimately familiar with terror that night as I swam. 369 00:23:52,348 --> 00:23:58,026 I kicked at the water and stroked for I knew not where. it was so pitch black. 370 00:23:58,103 --> 00:24:02,324 So I swam deeper and deeper into the ebony void, and... 371 00:24:02,399 --> 00:24:04,276 I prayed that whatever brushed by me... 372 00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:08,035 was now feasting upon the expedition crew instead. 373 00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:11,413 Sweet whistling Christ. 374 00:24:11,492 --> 00:24:15,918 I awoke on the shores of a very small island... 375 00:24:15,996 --> 00:24:20,877 regurgitating seawater and discombobulated beyond belief. 376 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:24,760 And then as I stood to my feet... 377 00:24:24,838 --> 00:24:27,967 I saw the sweetest sight my orbs have ever taken in. 378 00:24:28,050 --> 00:24:30,144 I saw my savior. 379 00:24:31,136 --> 00:24:33,355 I saw a walrus. 380 00:24:33,430 --> 00:24:36,934 A walrus? A walrus saved your life? 381 00:24:37,017 --> 00:24:38,894 - Yes. - What? 382 00:24:38,978 --> 00:24:41,731 This curious fellow loomed over me... 383 00:24:41,814 --> 00:24:44,567 with tusks as tall as Scylla and Charybdis. 384 00:24:45,734 --> 00:24:47,031 But it was- 385 00:24:47,111 --> 00:24:48,863 it was as gentle as a milking cow... 386 00:24:48,946 --> 00:24:51,415 when it took me into its blubbery body to keep me warm... 387 00:24:51,490 --> 00:24:54,209 as if I were a newborn chick, you see. 388 00:24:54,785 --> 00:24:58,289 - Unbelievable. - Yes. 389 00:24:58,372 --> 00:25:03,378 And though I couldn't know what he was called by his marine brethren... 390 00:25:03,460 --> 00:25:07,135 I named him after the only authority figure I'd ever known... 391 00:25:07,214 --> 00:25:09,592 and ever trusted in my entire life. 392 00:25:09,675 --> 00:25:13,680 It was a janitor at a boys' home that I had attended... 393 00:25:13,762 --> 00:25:16,185 whose name was Mr. Tuskegee. 394 00:25:16,265 --> 00:25:18,984 So I called my companion “Mr. Tusk.” 395 00:25:19,059 --> 00:25:23,906 Mr. Tus- That's cu- cute. 396 00:25:25,107 --> 00:25:29,738 Well, cute is for Chinese babies, Mr. Bryton. 397 00:25:29,820 --> 00:25:33,165 But my walrus companion was beautiful. 398 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:37,791 I have never known such a fulfilling friendship with anyone... 399 00:25:37,870 --> 00:25:40,419 human or otherwise. 400 00:25:40,497 --> 00:25:43,626 And for six glorious months... 401 00:25:43,709 --> 00:25:45,382 I was at utter peace... 402 00:25:45,461 --> 00:25:51,343 and I knew the only bliss this wretched life has ever afforded me. 403 00:25:51,425 --> 00:25:52,927 Wha- 404 00:25:54,219 --> 00:25:56,597 What'd you- 405 00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:58,728 What'd- 406 00:26:06,607 --> 00:26:10,612 There, there. it'll be all right. 407 00:26:11,779 --> 00:26:14,783 It'll be all right, Mr. Tusk. 408 00:26:21,205 --> 00:26:22,957 Oh, shit. 409 00:26:24,166 --> 00:26:26,544 Oh, fuck. 410 00:26:26,627 --> 00:26:28,470 Oh, shit. 411 00:26:29,379 --> 00:26:32,223 - Why- Why are you stopping? - I don't want you to go to Canada tomorrow. 412 00:26:32,299 --> 00:26:34,518 Oh, okay, I won't go to Canada. Just finish. 413 00:26:34,593 --> 00:26:38,018 - You're so full of shit, your eyes are brown. - I know. I'm full of shit. 414 00:26:38,097 --> 00:26:40,020 I'm bad, so spank me. Right there. 415 00:26:40,099 --> 00:26:41,646 - Nope. Not gonna do it. - What? All right. 416 00:26:42,351 --> 00:26:45,275 - Seriously? No. No. - It's gonna get on you then. 417 00:26:45,354 --> 00:26:48,403 - No, no, you don't even deserve a selfie. - Why not? 418 00:26:48,482 --> 00:26:51,031 We talked about this. I'm gonna take a quick “Cana-deuce” tomorrow. 419 00:26:51,110 --> 00:26:53,738 I'll be back in the morning. Can you- 420 00:26:54,947 --> 00:26:57,245 Making fun of this kid on the podcast is one thing. 421 00:26:57,324 --> 00:26:59,201 But to go over there to his house- 422 00:26:59,284 --> 00:27:01,457 it's- It's horrible. Okay? 423 00:27:01,537 --> 00:27:03,960 - This just feels gamy. - Gamy? 424 00:27:04,039 --> 00:27:05,962 Ally, the kid reached out to me. Okay? 425 00:27:06,041 --> 00:27:08,885 He turned down Oprah fuckin' Winfrey to talk to me. 426 00:27:08,961 --> 00:27:12,056 Me! Come on! This is huge for the show. 427 00:27:12,131 --> 00:27:16,887 I don't wanna make fun of him. But it's for the show. it's for the podcast. 428 00:27:16,969 --> 00:27:18,516 You are a real fuckin' asshole. 429 00:27:18,595 --> 00:27:21,724 And this- this does not work for you at all. 430 00:27:23,058 --> 00:27:25,652 Doing your dopey comedy sketches is bad enough. 431 00:27:25,727 --> 00:27:29,072 But to exploit him to his face? 432 00:27:29,148 --> 00:27:31,492 It's vicious. The Wallace I fell in- 433 00:27:31,567 --> 00:27:34,616 No, that's vicious, to do what you did. That's vicious. 434 00:27:34,695 --> 00:27:36,413 That's mean. That's exploitative. 435 00:27:36,488 --> 00:27:38,161 To get a little taste and walk away. 436 00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:39,867 - Are you serious? - Mmmmm. 437 00:27:39,950 --> 00:27:42,453 The Wallace I fell in love with would not do that. 438 00:27:42,536 --> 00:27:45,130 The Wallace I fell in love with would never say this stupid-ass shit. 439 00:27:45,205 --> 00:27:47,833 The Wallace you fell in love with was an unfunny little dick-hole... 440 00:27:47,916 --> 00:27:51,170 who used to make bad Star Wars puns and couldn't pay his bills. 441 00:27:51,253 --> 00:27:54,052 I'm sorry, but I-l kind of prefer the new Wallace. 442 00:27:54,131 --> 00:27:57,431 The new Wallace made 100 grand in ads alone last year. 443 00:27:57,509 --> 00:28:01,059 That was before the T-shirt sales and all the live shows, so- 444 00:28:04,308 --> 00:28:06,686 AMC's comin' to see the new Wallace's showcase next week. 445 00:28:06,768 --> 00:28:09,191 Why do you think that is? 'Cause of agents? 446 00:28:09,271 --> 00:28:12,775 'Cause he played the clubs every fuckin' night like old, unfunny Wallace used to? 447 00:28:12,858 --> 00:28:16,613 No, it's 'cause he has a juggernaut of a podcast, hosted by new Wallace. 448 00:28:16,695 --> 00:28:18,572 Old Wallace. 449 00:28:18,655 --> 00:28:23,877 Old Wallace was a fuckin' loser who didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out. 450 00:28:25,746 --> 00:28:28,090 Old Wallace had me. 451 00:28:37,341 --> 00:28:39,935 - He'd like to have you again. - So take me with you. 452 00:28:40,010 --> 00:28:41,933 If I bring you- you know this- 453 00:28:42,012 --> 00:28:44,435 Teddy gets weird and jealous, and then the show sucks. 454 00:28:44,514 --> 00:28:46,391 He's got this thing, like if you're around... 455 00:28:46,475 --> 00:28:49,228 I'm not as funny as I usually am, 'cause you're a distraction- 456 00:28:49,311 --> 00:28:51,734 Blah, blah, blah. I can't figure out what's goin' on in that kid's head. 457 00:28:51,813 --> 00:28:54,407 If it were up to me, I would bring you. 458 00:28:54,483 --> 00:28:57,077 Old Wallace wouldn't give a shit. He'd just take me. 459 00:28:57,152 --> 00:28:58,654 He would just take me anyway. 460 00:28:58,737 --> 00:29:00,364 Well, old Wallace... 461 00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:04,623 also used to wear a fuckin' stethoscope on stage. 462 00:29:04,701 --> 00:29:09,207 Oh, speaking of- We saw my first stand-up set on the show today. 463 00:29:09,289 --> 00:29:13,214 Hoo! It was fuckin' brutal. It was even worse than I remembered. 464 00:29:13,293 --> 00:29:15,136 It was really embarrassing actually. 465 00:29:15,212 --> 00:29:18,307 Teddy was dying, the little shit. 466 00:29:18,382 --> 00:29:21,682 News flash: Cringe humor attack shit is lame. 467 00:29:22,719 --> 00:29:25,347 Sorry. I didn't hear what you're saying. I just love that accent. 468 00:29:25,430 --> 00:29:27,774 “It's lame. It's cringe humor.” 469 00:29:28,767 --> 00:29:31,190 - Love your accent. - I don't talk like that. 470 00:29:31,270 --> 00:29:34,570 - “I don't talk like that.” - Listen, 'Stache! 471 00:29:34,648 --> 00:29:37,197 That's the worst Latino accent I have ever heard in my life. 472 00:29:37,276 --> 00:29:39,244 “That's the worst Latino accent I ever heard.” 473 00:29:39,319 --> 00:29:43,165 Can you just turn down the funny right now, 'Stache? The podcast is not on. 474 00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:44,742 - I know. - It's just me and you. 475 00:29:44,825 --> 00:29:47,749 I'm trying to be lovey-dovey here, and you're fucking it up. 476 00:29:47,828 --> 00:29:51,082 It's because I have a... raging hard-on. 477 00:29:51,164 --> 00:29:53,838 I want to be lovey-dovey too. I love lovey-dovey. 478 00:29:53,917 --> 00:29:55,715 We can be lovey-dovey on the phone when I'm in Canada. 479 00:29:55,794 --> 00:29:57,592 You know what we can't do? Fuck. 480 00:29:57,671 --> 00:29:59,890 So why don't we do that right now? Come on. 481 00:29:59,965 --> 00:30:03,811 See? Come on. New Wallace is kind of funny. 482 00:30:03,885 --> 00:30:06,934 Yeah, you can be kind of funny. 483 00:30:07,014 --> 00:30:08,982 I just- I miss old Wallace. 484 00:30:09,599 --> 00:30:12,227 I miss you. I miss the real you. Is he in there? 485 00:30:12,894 --> 00:30:15,192 You know? That geeky kid? 486 00:30:15,272 --> 00:30:16,774 - Who even thanked me onstage? - Geeky? 487 00:30:16,857 --> 00:30:18,905 Yeah, geeky. 488 00:30:18,984 --> 00:30:22,158 I miss the guy who told me he loved me the first time we had sex. 489 00:30:22,237 --> 00:30:25,707 The guy who gets baked and cries watching Winniw the Pooh. 490 00:30:26,867 --> 00:30:30,417 You were so sweet. Such a softy. 491 00:30:30,495 --> 00:30:32,714 Nothing soft about me now. 492 00:30:32,789 --> 00:30:36,510 Yeah, I know. And it sucks. 493 00:30:36,585 --> 00:30:38,087 - Relax. - Okay. 494 00:31:41,108 --> 00:31:42,781 Wha- 495 00:31:49,157 --> 00:31:50,909 Wha- 496 00:31:51,701 --> 00:31:53,624 Well. 497 00:31:53,703 --> 00:31:55,455 Look who's back. 498 00:32:02,295 --> 00:32:05,595 I must say you scared the bejesus out of me. 499 00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:09,098 Oh, what kind of nurse am I? 500 00:32:10,679 --> 00:32:13,398 Here you go. Here's your cup. 501 00:32:17,227 --> 00:32:20,481 Wet your whistle, my dry little thistle. 502 00:32:25,277 --> 00:32:29,623 - What- What ha- - What happened? 503 00:32:29,698 --> 00:32:33,623 Oh, my dear boy. Well, you passed out right in front of me. 504 00:32:33,702 --> 00:32:36,455 Man. So tired. 505 00:32:36,538 --> 00:32:41,089 I mean, one moment I'm waxing lyrically about my many ocean voyages. 506 00:32:41,168 --> 00:32:44,012 Next thing I know, you fell out of your chair and collapsed. 507 00:32:44,087 --> 00:32:46,966 I didn't know what it was until I looked down and I saw... 508 00:32:47,048 --> 00:32:50,803 this rather intimidating little spider crawling out of your pant leg. 509 00:32:52,095 --> 00:32:53,563 Spider? 510 00:32:54,347 --> 00:32:56,395 Yes, a brown recluse. 511 00:32:56,475 --> 00:33:00,446 Rather toxic little insect. These woods are full of them. 512 00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:03,148 Something poisonous. 513 00:33:03,231 --> 00:33:04,699 Mmm. 514 00:33:06,568 --> 00:33:09,412 Oh, shit. A spider bit me? 515 00:33:09,488 --> 00:33:11,616 Yes, well, I'm so sorry. 516 00:33:11,698 --> 00:33:13,621 Where's my phone? 517 00:33:13,700 --> 00:33:16,544 - Phone? - Mm-hmm. I gotta make a call. 518 00:33:17,496 --> 00:33:21,501 Well, I'm afraid the doctor stepped on it and broke it. 519 00:33:21,583 --> 00:33:23,506 I'm afraid it lies in pieces. 520 00:33:24,377 --> 00:33:27,096 There was a doctor here? 521 00:33:27,172 --> 00:33:32,144 Yes. Dr. Mosier. He lives just up the road, eight miles. 522 00:33:32,219 --> 00:33:35,314 - Mosier? Funny name. - Yes. Yeah. 523 00:33:35,388 --> 00:33:38,813 He was here within a half hour of your... 524 00:33:38,892 --> 00:33:40,519 incident. 525 00:33:41,228 --> 00:33:43,196 I forget your name. 526 00:33:43,271 --> 00:33:46,821 - My name? Howard Howe. - Mm-hmm. 527 00:33:46,900 --> 00:33:48,994 Howard, I can't feel my legs. 528 00:33:49,069 --> 00:33:53,245 Well, that would be the spinal injection, you see. 529 00:33:54,032 --> 00:33:57,377 The recluse sank her fangs into you and filled you with so much poison... 530 00:33:57,452 --> 00:34:02,424 that your- your ankle was the size of an elephant's leg. 531 00:34:02,499 --> 00:34:04,672 Oh, shit. 532 00:34:04,751 --> 00:34:06,378 What kind of elephant? 533 00:34:06,461 --> 00:34:08,304 A very fat one. 534 00:34:09,881 --> 00:34:12,304 - Shit. - Yeah. 535 00:34:12,384 --> 00:34:15,979 So, with the venom traveling to your heart... 536 00:34:16,054 --> 00:34:18,398 it forced the doctor- to save your life- 537 00:34:18,473 --> 00:34:21,773 to take rather, as we say, drastic measures. 538 00:34:30,944 --> 00:34:33,163 Oh, my God! 539 00:34:33,780 --> 00:34:35,498 Oh, my God. 540 00:34:35,574 --> 00:34:38,453 Holy shit. There's no leg there. 541 00:34:39,828 --> 00:34:41,580 Doesn't appear to be. 542 00:34:41,663 --> 00:34:43,631 Just let it out, dear boy. Let it all out. 543 00:34:43,707 --> 00:34:45,926 My leg is off! 544 00:34:46,001 --> 00:34:47,503 Oh, my God. 545 00:34:47,586 --> 00:34:50,339 Nature can be very red in tooth and claw. 546 00:34:50,422 --> 00:34:52,800 - What? - Tennyson. 547 00:34:52,882 --> 00:34:55,726 The fuck are you talkin' about? 548 00:34:55,802 --> 00:34:59,272 Why am I still here? Why aren't I in the hospital? 549 00:34:59,347 --> 00:35:02,726 Well, hospitals carry diseases... 550 00:35:02,809 --> 00:35:06,564 so Dr. Mosier felt it'd be best if you were to stay here. 551 00:35:06,646 --> 00:35:09,195 Since the room is sanitized all day... 552 00:35:09,274 --> 00:35:11,276 why, it'd be best if you recuperate here. 553 00:35:11,359 --> 00:35:13,407 That doesn't make any sense. 554 00:35:13,486 --> 00:35:16,786 Spider. The spider bit you. 555 00:35:16,865 --> 00:35:20,085 I want to talk to this guy. Where's the doctor? I want to talk to him. 556 00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:24,711 Well, uh, the doctor's making his rounds. 557 00:35:24,789 --> 00:35:28,339 Rounds? What rounds? We're in the middle of nowhere! 558 00:35:28,418 --> 00:35:30,420 OH, HO, HO, HO, HO, HO, HO, HO. 559 00:35:30,503 --> 00:35:32,505 No, we're not. No, we're not, Mr. Bryton. 560 00:35:32,589 --> 00:35:36,719 I've been to the middle of nowhere, and it is a ghastly place. 561 00:35:36,801 --> 00:35:39,725 I don't want to hear your fuckin' stories. 562 00:35:39,804 --> 00:35:41,898 What the fuck is this? 563 00:35:43,350 --> 00:35:44,772 Stop laughing! 564 00:35:44,851 --> 00:35:46,478 You're funny. 565 00:35:46,561 --> 00:35:49,064 That's the belt to keep you from falling out of your chair. 566 00:35:49,147 --> 00:35:51,149 Why? 567 00:35:51,232 --> 00:35:54,111 The belt is to keep you from falling over until the spinal wears off. 568 00:35:54,194 --> 00:35:57,243 The spinal wears off and you gain full control of your faculties again- 569 00:35:57,322 --> 00:36:00,826 that is, most of your faculties. 570 00:36:02,077 --> 00:36:05,001 I need a phone. I gotta call my family. 571 00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:07,924 Dr. Mosier removed all the phones from the house. 572 00:36:07,999 --> 00:36:09,501 He didn't want you disturbed. 573 00:36:09,584 --> 00:36:12,508 - What the fuck? - So I'll- I'll talk to him, and... 574 00:36:12,587 --> 00:36:15,591 I can ask him if you can call home after supper. 575 00:36:15,674 --> 00:36:18,644 - No, I gotta call. - So it would be best if you take a nap. 576 00:36:18,718 --> 00:36:20,641 You're heavily, heavily tranquilized. 577 00:36:20,720 --> 00:36:22,563 I gotta tell my family. 578 00:36:22,639 --> 00:36:26,234 I gotta use a phone. I gotta talk to a doctor. 579 00:36:26,309 --> 00:36:28,653 - Mosier. Dr. Mosier. - I want to talk to him. 580 00:36:28,728 --> 00:36:31,732 Well, you can't. He's- He's on his rounds. 581 00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:34,534 You give me a phone. 582 00:36:34,609 --> 00:36:36,532 Don't have a phone. 583 00:36:36,611 --> 00:36:39,080 The doctor removed them all. 584 00:36:39,155 --> 00:36:41,704 That's... insane. 585 00:36:41,783 --> 00:36:44,206 Possibly so, but it's true. 586 00:36:48,873 --> 00:36:51,717 We sup at 6:00 sharp. 587 00:36:54,170 --> 00:36:56,468 Wait, wait. 588 00:36:56,548 --> 00:36:59,301 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 589 00:36:59,384 --> 00:37:00,886 Wait, wait. 590 00:37:07,517 --> 00:37:08,939 I am... 591 00:37:12,063 --> 00:37:14,942 truly sorry for your loss. 592 00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:35,803 You're not eating. 593 00:37:46,848 --> 00:37:48,521 I can't move my arms. 594 00:37:49,684 --> 00:37:51,812 Oh, well... 595 00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:55,699 that would be the morphine. 596 00:38:00,987 --> 00:38:03,240 It is capital for the leg pain... 597 00:38:03,323 --> 00:38:08,625 and perhaps the only thing that keeps you from howling in agony. 598 00:38:08,703 --> 00:38:12,253 But it does tend to leave one a bit sleepy. 599 00:38:16,211 --> 00:38:18,384 I'm not sleepy. 600 00:38:18,463 --> 00:38:22,513 - Howe, I'm immobilized. - Mmm. 601 00:38:24,052 --> 00:38:25,679 Well... 602 00:38:25,762 --> 00:38:27,389 you know... 603 00:38:28,973 --> 00:38:30,566 I was thinking... 604 00:38:31,601 --> 00:38:35,697 the melancholy of losing a limb... 605 00:38:36,481 --> 00:38:39,735 must be akin to mourning a close friend... 606 00:38:39,818 --> 00:38:42,822 that you too often took for granted. 607 00:38:44,030 --> 00:38:45,873 Hmm. 608 00:38:55,708 --> 00:38:57,927 There was no spider, was there? 609 00:38:59,712 --> 00:39:01,760 Yes, there was. A brown recluse. 610 00:39:03,716 --> 00:39:06,310 Colloquially called the, uh, hobo spider. 611 00:39:06,386 --> 00:39:08,263 Ah, that's interesting. 612 00:39:10,223 --> 00:39:11,725 You saw it? 613 00:39:13,059 --> 00:39:14,185 Yes. 614 00:39:16,020 --> 00:39:17,863 You saw the spider? 615 00:39:20,358 --> 00:39:23,282 I- I just wish that I'd spied the little creature... 616 00:39:23,361 --> 00:39:26,410 before it so viciously attacked you. 617 00:39:29,909 --> 00:39:31,707 What did it look like? 618 00:39:34,330 --> 00:39:35,957 The arachnid assailant? 619 00:39:36,040 --> 00:39:37,633 - Yeah. - Well- 620 00:39:38,877 --> 00:39:41,426 Typical spider. 621 00:39:41,504 --> 00:39:45,475 A legion of legs, you know, et cetera, et cetera. It was very small though. 622 00:39:47,260 --> 00:39:51,515 So small you might even call it “itsy bitsy.” 623 00:39:51,598 --> 00:39:56,320 The itsy bitsy spider crawled up the waterspout 624 00:39:56,394 --> 00:39:59,398 - Holy shit. - Down came the rain 625 00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:02,108 And washed the spider out 626 00:40:02,191 --> 00:40:05,195 Let me out of this chair, you fucking psycho! 627 00:40:05,278 --> 00:40:09,454 Let me out! Let me out, you old fucking nutbag! 628 00:40:09,532 --> 00:40:10,749 Y- 629 00:40:16,164 --> 00:40:18,963 Help! Somebody help! 630 00:40:38,227 --> 00:40:42,357 Now, shall we dispense with the chuff a, Mr. Bryton? 631 00:40:43,608 --> 00:40:45,155 Perhaps it would be best... 632 00:40:45,234 --> 00:40:48,408 in this, our burgeoning relationship... 633 00:40:48,488 --> 00:40:52,834 to reveal our hearts with absolute candor. 634 00:40:53,993 --> 00:40:57,714 You see, for some time now... 635 00:40:58,581 --> 00:41:02,006 I've been constructing... 636 00:41:02,085 --> 00:41:06,010 a very realistic walrus suit. 637 00:41:07,340 --> 00:41:08,637 What? 638 00:41:08,716 --> 00:41:11,515 And I believe with just a few minor modifications... 639 00:41:11,594 --> 00:41:14,598 it will fit you perfectly. 640 00:41:14,681 --> 00:41:15,978 Jesus. 641 00:41:16,057 --> 00:41:18,810 What the fuck, man? 642 00:41:18,893 --> 00:41:22,067 But... whilst in the walrus suit... 643 00:41:22,146 --> 00:41:25,150 you must be a walrus. 644 00:41:25,233 --> 00:41:27,952 There'll be no sound of a human voice. 645 00:41:28,027 --> 00:41:32,407 You must communicate everything you do as a walrus. 646 00:41:32,490 --> 00:41:34,208 Do you understand? 647 00:41:35,159 --> 00:41:37,457 Please. Please. 648 00:41:37,537 --> 00:41:39,039 Oh, no, no. 649 00:41:39,122 --> 00:41:42,547 Be not vexed or heavy of heart, Mr. Bryton. 650 00:41:42,625 --> 00:41:45,629 We two are embarking on an expedition... 651 00:41:45,712 --> 00:41:48,556 not unlike that of the doomed Anastasia. 652 00:41:49,507 --> 00:41:52,056 Their mistake was they looked for the monsters out there. 653 00:41:53,011 --> 00:41:58,017 They should know that the dark, the beast, has always lied within. 654 00:42:01,894 --> 00:42:03,646 Why? 655 00:42:03,730 --> 00:42:05,732 Why are you doing this? 656 00:42:05,815 --> 00:42:07,533 “Why?” 657 00:42:07,608 --> 00:42:10,236 Why? 658 00:42:11,279 --> 00:42:14,283 To solve a riddle older than the Sphinx... 659 00:42:14,365 --> 00:42:19,713 to answer the question, which has plagued us since we crawled from this earth... 660 00:42:19,787 --> 00:42:22,586 and stood erect in the sun- 661 00:42:24,792 --> 00:42:28,842 is man indeed... 662 00:42:28,921 --> 00:42:31,925 a walrus at heart? 663 00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:40,103 Help! 664 00:43:04,165 --> 00:43:06,793 I almost told him before he left. 665 00:43:09,087 --> 00:43:11,055 Sometimes I forget... 666 00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:14,717 that my life is... 667 00:43:16,385 --> 00:43:18,729 an intricate... 668 00:43:18,805 --> 00:43:20,728 delicate web of lies. 669 00:43:23,226 --> 00:43:26,070 And I feel so normal... 670 00:43:26,145 --> 00:43:27,738 so banal. 671 00:43:30,149 --> 00:43:33,153 Feels so amazing to be boring... 672 00:43:34,487 --> 00:43:36,364 and faithful... 673 00:43:36,447 --> 00:43:38,290 and sinless. 674 00:43:40,993 --> 00:43:43,621 I even forget what we're doing to him... 675 00:43:46,791 --> 00:43:49,510 till I remember what he does to me... 676 00:43:50,419 --> 00:43:52,137 with all those... 677 00:43:52,213 --> 00:43:53,886 empty women. 678 00:43:56,509 --> 00:43:58,853 And it crushes me. 679 00:44:01,472 --> 00:44:03,315 And I hate him. 680 00:44:05,518 --> 00:44:06,986 I hate him. 681 00:44:07,061 --> 00:44:09,814 But I hate myself so much more... 682 00:44:11,482 --> 00:44:14,281 for letting any man do this to me. 683 00:44:17,155 --> 00:44:20,329 I'm happy my dad's not alive to see this... 684 00:44:22,368 --> 00:44:25,417 to see his only little girl... 685 00:44:25,496 --> 00:44:27,464 put her life on hold... 686 00:44:27,540 --> 00:44:30,259 for some cheating fucking asshole. 687 00:44:32,545 --> 00:44:35,219 And I just want to fucking die. 688 00:44:43,389 --> 00:44:45,312 But every time... 689 00:44:45,391 --> 00:44:47,359 he destroys me, you- 690 00:44:47,435 --> 00:44:49,312 you bring me back. 691 00:44:52,148 --> 00:44:54,492 You make me feel beautiful again... 692 00:44:55,902 --> 00:44:58,075 and cherished. 693 00:44:59,655 --> 00:45:02,374 You gave me my humanity. 694 00:45:04,243 --> 00:45:06,837 Even though we're stripping it down every time we're doing this... 695 00:45:06,913 --> 00:45:10,167 I... honestly- 696 00:45:11,250 --> 00:45:13,719 I don't know how to live without you. 697 00:45:15,421 --> 00:45:18,595 So look out, you crazy Canucks. Something weird-ass this way comes. 698 00:45:18,674 --> 00:45:22,520 Next week, wandering Wallace takes a raunchy road trip up to the Great White North... 699 00:45:22,595 --> 00:45:24,097 to meet with a star. 700 00:45:24,180 --> 00:45:26,148 I will be staying at home, per usual. 701 00:45:26,224 --> 00:45:29,728 Doing what, Teddy? Fill 'em in. Let's have a real laugh after that tape. 702 00:45:29,810 --> 00:45:34,156 L- I will be taking your significant other to the Getty, because... 703 00:45:34,232 --> 00:45:36,985 in her words, you don't get an. 704 00:45:37,068 --> 00:45:40,743 I get art too. Why do you keep saying that? I get it when it's got my face on it. 705 00:45:40,821 --> 00:45:42,915 Look at all this. This is art. 706 00:45:42,990 --> 00:45:45,584 - Do you think this is art? - It's like a museum. 707 00:45:45,660 --> 00:45:49,710 She's not wrong. All over the walls of this, uh- of this studio... 708 00:45:49,789 --> 00:45:53,259 we've sort of created a man cave-slash-masturbation chamber... 709 00:45:53,334 --> 00:45:55,553 uh, to while away the hours in. 710 00:45:55,628 --> 00:45:59,178 I've never jerked off in here, which is surprising 'cause I jerk off all the time. 711 00:45:59,257 --> 00:46:01,885 - I don't believe you. - Okay, you're right to not believe me. 712 00:46:01,968 --> 00:46:04,847 Teddy, you are my fuckin' hero. You're taking my girlfriend to the Getty. 713 00:46:04,929 --> 00:46:08,274 Ally and Teddy go to the Getty. It's adorable. it's like a children's book. 714 00:46:08,349 --> 00:46:10,067 Until next time, I'm Teddy Craft. 715 00:46:10,142 --> 00:46:12,565 And this is Wallace Bryton, reminding you to... 716 00:46:12,645 --> 00:46:15,319 join the Not-See Party. 717 00:46:16,649 --> 00:46:18,117 Clear! 718 00:46:18,192 --> 00:46:19,785 - Nice! - That was amazing! 719 00:46:19,860 --> 00:46:22,329 I didn't know where you were goin' with that video, but I'm glad you did it. 720 00:46:22,405 --> 00:46:24,373 It was embarrassing, but shit, that was fuckin' funny. 721 00:46:24,448 --> 00:46:26,496 All fuckin' hail the Not-See Party. 722 00:46:26,575 --> 00:46:28,577 Yeah, everyone except Ally. 723 00:46:28,661 --> 00:46:31,756 - Dude, she just... wants to go with you. - I know, I know. 724 00:46:31,831 --> 00:46:35,210 Why are you always defending her? It's so weird. And I know she wants to come. 725 00:46:35,293 --> 00:46:39,048 But you know her whole thing is like, “Wally, why do you have to do such mean comedy?” 726 00:46:39,130 --> 00:46:40,928 That doesn't even sound like her. 727 00:46:41,007 --> 00:46:44,932 I can't have her around if I'm gonna get real with this kid, and I gotta get real with him. 728 00:46:45,011 --> 00:46:49,266 I can't be me if she's there. I also can't get road head if she's there either. 729 00:46:49,348 --> 00:46:52,147 You're a fuckin' numskull to cheat on someone that hot. 730 00:46:52,226 --> 00:46:54,775 It has nothin' to do with how hot she is. I know she's hot. 731 00:46:54,854 --> 00:46:58,074 But there is some top-shelf ass out there who listen to us. 732 00:46:58,149 --> 00:47:00,993 I'm not kidding. Plus, you haven't seen these other girls. 733 00:47:01,068 --> 00:47:02,786 I mean, don't- don't shortchange 'em, okay? 734 00:47:02,862 --> 00:47:06,492 These fan girls, they may be pasty and a little chunky, but they're really sexual. 735 00:47:06,574 --> 00:47:08,872 You bring shame to the Not-See Party. 736 00:47:08,951 --> 00:47:11,545 I know Ally's hot. It doesn't take away from how hot she is. 737 00:47:11,620 --> 00:47:14,965 I'm not married to her. I know I sound shitty right now. I can see you judging me. 738 00:47:15,041 --> 00:47:17,669 - You goin' to Ally's now? - Fuck, yeah, I'm goin' over there now. 739 00:47:17,752 --> 00:47:22,053 I want to break one off before I fly tomorrow so I can get all peaceful on the plane... 740 00:47:22,131 --> 00:47:24,259 and I don't cause any disturbances at the airport. 741 00:47:24,342 --> 00:47:26,185 - It's like my Xanax. - Mmm. 742 00:47:26,260 --> 00:47:28,558 I gotta get the white out, and I go to bed like a little baby. 743 00:47:35,811 --> 00:47:38,109 Come on now More margaritas 744 00:47:43,819 --> 00:47:45,412 Come on now More margaritas 745 00:47:57,792 --> 00:48:00,170 Come on now More margaritas 746 00:48:06,926 --> 00:48:08,428 Fuck. 747 00:48:21,399 --> 00:48:23,117 He hasn't called me in three days. 748 00:48:27,822 --> 00:48:29,995 I have this pain in my stomach. 749 00:48:30,074 --> 00:48:34,124 I- I'm worried. 750 00:48:38,124 --> 00:48:40,297 Ally! Ally, you gotta help me! 751 00:48:40,376 --> 00:48:43,755 I swear to God, I'm not joking. Okay? 752 00:48:43,838 --> 00:48:46,307 I was abducted. I'm in Manitoba. 753 00:48:46,382 --> 00:48:50,512 This guy wants to turn me into an animal or something. 754 00:48:50,594 --> 00:48:53,017 He's fuckin' nuts. You gotta please come. 755 00:48:53,097 --> 00:48:55,350 Please, please, please, please, please. 756 00:48:56,475 --> 00:48:58,273 I don't know where he is... 757 00:48:58,352 --> 00:49:01,982 but I'm somewhere up in his weird fuckin' house. 758 00:49:02,731 --> 00:49:06,031 I'm like- I'm like two hours from Winnipeg. 759 00:49:07,736 --> 00:49:09,989 I'm so fuckin' scared. 760 00:49:10,865 --> 00:49:13,118 I'm so scared I'm not gonna see you again. 761 00:49:14,410 --> 00:49:17,004 I'm sorry I was such an asshole. 762 00:49:17,913 --> 00:49:19,711 God, I'm so sorry. 763 00:49:21,459 --> 00:49:24,258 He cut off my leg, Ally. 764 00:49:24,336 --> 00:49:27,636 Okay, please. Okay, okay. 765 00:49:27,715 --> 00:49:30,559 Just get here, okay? Call the cops. 766 00:49:31,635 --> 00:49:35,356 Ally, Ally, I don't want to die in Canada. 767 00:49:36,515 --> 00:49:38,392 I don't want to die at all. 768 00:49:39,351 --> 00:49:41,069 Oh, fuck. 769 00:49:47,401 --> 00:49:49,449 Okay. 770 00:49:49,528 --> 00:49:51,155 Oh, Teddy, pick up. 771 00:49:51,238 --> 00:49:54,708 I... honestly- 772 00:49:55,701 --> 00:49:58,329 I don't know how to live without you. 773 00:50:00,331 --> 00:50:03,130 So go brush your teeth and come back to bed... 774 00:50:03,209 --> 00:50:05,337 because... 775 00:50:05,419 --> 00:50:08,719 I don't want to stay here and cry all night. 776 00:50:20,809 --> 00:50:23,232 Come on now More margaritas 777 00:50:27,024 --> 00:50:28,526 Teddy, it's me! 778 00:50:28,609 --> 00:50:32,580 I swear to God, this isn't a fuckin' joke. I'm being held captive. 779 00:50:33,906 --> 00:50:35,249 I'm not kidding. 780 00:50:35,324 --> 00:50:39,170 I'm being held captive by some crazy motherfucker. He cut off my fuckin' leg. 781 00:50:39,245 --> 00:50:41,168 Listen to me. You gotta call the cops. 782 00:50:41,247 --> 00:50:44,672 I'm, like- I'm, like, two hours north of Winnipeg. 783 00:50:44,750 --> 00:50:46,673 I'm somewhere- 784 00:50:46,752 --> 00:50:49,380 I'm somewhere, like, in Bumfuck, Manitoba. 785 00:50:49,463 --> 00:50:52,182 This guy's name is Howard Howe. Okay? 786 00:50:52,258 --> 00:50:54,352 It's Howard Howe. 787 00:50:54,426 --> 00:50:57,646 You gotta call the cops. Call the cops. 788 00:50:57,721 --> 00:50:59,644 I don't know exactly where I am, but... 789 00:50:59,723 --> 00:51:03,728 I'm scared shitless, man. I think he wants to turn me into, like, a- a- 790 00:51:05,896 --> 00:51:08,149 What the fuck was that? 791 00:51:09,900 --> 00:51:12,494 Your life as you knew it is over, Mr. Bryton. 792 00:51:12,570 --> 00:51:15,119 So if you wish to continue living... 793 00:51:15,197 --> 00:51:19,293 you will be a walrus, or you will be nothing at all. 794 00:52:12,171 --> 00:52:13,764 This freaking guy. 795 00:52:13,839 --> 00:52:16,058 Ally? Ally, you gotta help me. 796 00:52:16,133 --> 00:52:19,262 I swear to God, I'm not joking. Okay? 797 00:52:19,345 --> 00:52:22,565 I was abducted. I'm in Manitoba. 798 00:52:22,640 --> 00:52:26,019 This guy wants to turn me into an animal or something. 799 00:52:26,101 --> 00:52:27,603 He's fucking nuts. 800 00:52:27,686 --> 00:52:30,360 Teddy. Teddy! 801 00:52:30,439 --> 00:52:31,941 Hey. Hey. 802 00:52:32,024 --> 00:52:33,571 Wake up. 803 00:52:33,651 --> 00:52:35,244 - Wallace. it's Wallace. - What? 804 00:52:35,319 --> 00:52:37,913 He's in trouble. He's in trouble. 805 00:52:39,031 --> 00:52:40,533 What? 806 00:52:41,742 --> 00:52:43,915 Oh, my God. He called you too. 807 00:52:43,994 --> 00:52:45,462 Oh, my God. 808 00:52:46,372 --> 00:52:48,625 Check it. I'm going- 809 00:52:56,548 --> 00:52:58,550 Come on now More margaritas 810 00:52:59,343 --> 00:53:00,469 Well! 811 00:53:00,552 --> 00:53:04,022 Someone's looking for Wallace. 812 00:53:04,098 --> 00:53:05,975 Come on now More margaritas 813 00:53:06,058 --> 00:53:08,277 Must be nice to know somebody cares about you that much. 814 00:53:08,352 --> 00:53:11,652 Just what I felt on the island with Mr. Tusk. 815 00:53:11,730 --> 00:53:15,576 He was the only living thing that ever had my best interest at heart. 816 00:53:16,360 --> 00:53:19,830 As a child I was not cared for so much as I was... 817 00:53:19,905 --> 00:53:22,203 filed away like a document... 818 00:53:22,282 --> 00:53:25,286 a document fed into a shredding machine... 819 00:53:25,369 --> 00:53:27,713 and fueled by the blood of the innocent. 820 00:53:27,788 --> 00:53:31,884 See, I am a Duplessis Orphan. 821 00:53:31,959 --> 00:53:34,178 Now, Maurice Duplessis... 822 00:53:34,253 --> 00:53:38,724 was the premier of Québec in those days. 823 00:53:39,591 --> 00:53:41,468 He was the head of the conservative party... 824 00:53:41,552 --> 00:53:44,180 with strong ties to the Catholic Church. 825 00:53:44,263 --> 00:53:45,936 As a matter of fact... 826 00:53:46,515 --> 00:53:49,769 it was in collusion with these charlatans of the Lord... 827 00:53:49,852 --> 00:53:51,695 that Duplessis... 828 00:53:51,770 --> 00:53:55,240 brought upon Quebec Le Grande Noirceur- 829 00:53:55,983 --> 00:53:58,156 the Great Darkness. 830 00:53:58,235 --> 00:54:00,533 As a boy of 10... 831 00:54:00,612 --> 00:54:03,240 my mother and father took me to Montreal. 832 00:54:03,323 --> 00:54:07,578 I'd never seen anything so beautiful and bright and big and wonderful in my life. 833 00:54:07,661 --> 00:54:09,208 But... 834 00:54:09,913 --> 00:54:11,381 when night falls... 835 00:54:11,457 --> 00:54:12,959 in Montreal... 836 00:54:13,041 --> 00:54:15,794 the monsters come out to play. 837 00:54:17,629 --> 00:54:20,553 We were walking to dinner and were accosted by brigands in a back alley. 838 00:54:20,632 --> 00:54:23,226 My father was stabbed several times with a mugger's knife... 839 00:54:23,302 --> 00:54:27,899 and my mother's throat was slashed as if she were cattle. 840 00:54:27,973 --> 00:54:31,728 I was placed in an abandoned boys' home in Québec... 841 00:54:31,810 --> 00:54:34,654 boys whose lives had been destroyed. 842 00:54:34,730 --> 00:54:38,576 Provinces were responsible financially for all of the orphanages. 843 00:54:38,650 --> 00:54:43,781 The government was responsible for the mental institutions. 844 00:54:43,864 --> 00:54:46,242 So Duplessis and the Church... 845 00:54:46,325 --> 00:54:50,000 they came up with a scheme to obtain more money... 846 00:54:50,078 --> 00:54:52,672 by reclassifying the orphanages... 847 00:54:52,748 --> 00:54:55,592 as mental health care facilities. 848 00:54:55,667 --> 00:54:58,090 And when nobody raised their voice in protest... 849 00:54:58,170 --> 00:55:00,264 why, they just shut down the orphanages... 850 00:55:00,339 --> 00:55:03,718 and sent all the children, including me... 851 00:55:03,801 --> 00:55:05,849 to insane asylums. 852 00:55:05,928 --> 00:55:09,273 And so, for the next five years... 853 00:55:09,348 --> 00:55:12,397 I was beaten, I was tortured... 854 00:55:13,185 --> 00:55:15,438 I was raped. 855 00:55:15,521 --> 00:55:19,651 I've had things in my mouth that no human being should ever taste. 856 00:55:19,733 --> 00:55:23,237 They never thought of me as a person. They just thought to use me. 857 00:55:23,320 --> 00:55:25,072 And use me they did. 858 00:55:25,989 --> 00:55:28,367 Priests. 859 00:55:28,450 --> 00:55:30,623 Politicians. 860 00:55:30,702 --> 00:55:32,579 All pederasts. 861 00:55:32,663 --> 00:55:36,384 Even the nurses and... nuns and night watchmen. 862 00:55:37,125 --> 00:55:38,627 All of them witches... 863 00:55:38,710 --> 00:55:43,682 all there to satisfy their most base physical and financial desires... 864 00:55:43,757 --> 00:55:46,727 through the rectum and lips of a child. 865 00:55:47,678 --> 00:55:51,728 So with no one to answer to for their horrid crimes... 866 00:55:53,183 --> 00:55:56,528 these devils ran amok with my innocence. 867 00:55:56,603 --> 00:55:58,822 But at age 15... 868 00:55:58,897 --> 00:56:02,697 I escaped Canada. 869 00:56:02,776 --> 00:56:05,655 I went to the United States, got on a boat... 870 00:56:05,737 --> 00:56:08,240 and never looked back. 871 00:56:09,157 --> 00:56:10,750 Until now. 872 00:56:11,952 --> 00:56:13,454 Yes... 873 00:56:14,121 --> 00:56:17,546 man is a savage animal, Mr. Bryton. 874 00:56:23,213 --> 00:56:25,807 Better to be a walrus. 875 00:56:35,267 --> 00:56:37,986 Yes, Officer, it's B-R-Y-T-O-N. 876 00:56:38,061 --> 00:56:41,611 We know he rented a car, but we don't know exactly where from. 877 00:56:41,690 --> 00:56:45,160 As soon as we land in Winnipeg, we're gonna go to every rental desk at the airport... 878 00:56:45,235 --> 00:56:47,158 and see if anyone recognizes him. 879 00:56:47,237 --> 00:56:50,366 If we can find the agency, we can find the car using its GPS system. 880 00:56:50,449 --> 00:56:53,623 R-Recent pictures? Yes. There are some recent pictures up on the Web site. 881 00:56:53,702 --> 00:56:56,330 akumenang.com - Spell it! Spell it! 882 00:56:56,413 --> 00:56:58,381 Hello? Hello? 883 00:56:58,457 --> 00:57:00,084 He fucking hung up. 884 00:57:37,162 --> 00:57:40,382 “The sun was shining on the sea... 885 00:57:40,457 --> 00:57:42,755 shining with all his might. 886 00:57:42,834 --> 00:57:47,260 He did his very best to make the billows smooth and bright. 887 00:57:48,382 --> 00:57:51,261 And this was odd... 888 00:57:51,343 --> 00:57:55,689 because it was the middle of the night.” 889 00:58:05,649 --> 00:58:07,572 There, there, there, there, Mr. Tusk. 890 00:58:07,651 --> 00:58:10,200 There, there, there. I understand. 891 00:58:10,862 --> 00:58:12,864 It's so very hard to be... 892 00:58:13,782 --> 00:58:16,376 the elephant of the deep blue sea. 893 00:58:16,910 --> 00:58:18,662 St-Stop- Stop it. 894 00:58:18,745 --> 00:58:22,045 Stop it! Walruses never cry! 895 00:58:35,012 --> 00:58:37,231 Oh, I've missed you, Mr. Tusk. 896 00:58:41,184 --> 00:58:44,779 How I've missed our merry times together on Ponder Rock. 897 00:58:54,740 --> 00:58:56,583 I've regretted every day... 898 00:58:56,658 --> 00:59:01,459 my return to this wretched... civilization... 899 00:59:01,538 --> 00:59:04,758 this anxious, silly world... 900 00:59:04,833 --> 00:59:06,881 with all the banality... 901 00:59:06,960 --> 00:59:09,088 of a breakfast cereal. 902 00:59:09,171 --> 00:59:12,015 The worst of man has long been fetid... 903 00:59:12,090 --> 00:59:14,639 with greed and indifference. 904 00:59:14,718 --> 00:59:17,187 The best of man... 905 00:59:17,262 --> 00:59:20,186 has long been lobotomized... 906 00:59:20,265 --> 00:59:23,064 by reality television. 907 00:59:23,143 --> 00:59:26,693 I never should have left the wilderness. 908 00:59:26,772 --> 00:59:28,445 I never should have left you. 909 00:59:29,483 --> 00:59:32,282 This writhing nest of two-legged vipers- 910 00:59:32,360 --> 00:59:34,033 Wallace! 911 00:59:34,112 --> 00:59:38,743 Each devouring the other to stay alive. 912 00:59:38,825 --> 00:59:40,372 And I've betrayed you. 913 00:59:40,452 --> 00:59:42,250 For what? 914 00:59:42,329 --> 00:59:43,751 Man's world? 915 00:59:44,372 --> 00:59:48,002 An immoral cesspool... 916 00:59:48,085 --> 00:59:51,055 bloated with the wayward and the destitute. 917 00:59:51,129 --> 00:59:54,599 Howard Howe. You gotta call the cops. 918 00:59:54,674 --> 00:59:56,768 Call the cops. 919 00:59:56,843 --> 01:00:00,143 I don't know exactly where I am, but I'm scared shitless, man. 920 01:00:00,222 --> 01:00:02,816 ! think he wants to turn me into, like- like a- 921 01:00:04,351 --> 01:00:07,195 - That's it? - It just ends. 922 01:00:07,270 --> 01:00:09,364 Are you sure he's not pulling your legs? 923 01:00:09,439 --> 01:00:12,033 Gettin' up to some good old American monkeyshines? 924 01:00:12,109 --> 01:00:14,203 That doesn't sound like monkeyshines. 925 01:00:14,277 --> 01:00:17,201 You do these comedy podcasts. Could this just be for grins and giggles? 926 01:00:17,280 --> 01:00:20,204 We do a podcast, but he wouldn't take something this far. 927 01:00:20,283 --> 01:00:21,876 He's not that kind of guy. 928 01:00:21,952 --> 01:00:24,876 Okay, now stick with me here. I don't mean to be indelicate. 929 01:00:24,955 --> 01:00:27,754 But could there be some sort of sexual angle? 930 01:00:27,833 --> 01:00:30,962 A romantic entanglement, an affair or something? 931 01:00:34,214 --> 01:00:36,433 No, he's not that kind of guy. 932 01:00:38,176 --> 01:00:40,975 Okay. Well, I did some checking. 933 01:00:41,054 --> 01:00:45,184 And we don't have a Howard Howe anywhere in Manitoba. 934 01:00:45,267 --> 01:00:46,564 Shit. 935 01:00:46,643 --> 01:00:48,566 As regards your friend, I asked Border Patrol... 936 01:00:48,645 --> 01:00:51,194 if they got a report of him leaving the country yet. 937 01:00:51,273 --> 01:00:53,696 They say he come into Winnipeg, and that's it. 938 01:00:53,775 --> 01:00:55,823 Don't you two worry. 939 01:00:55,902 --> 01:00:59,702 I'm gonna issue a missing persons on him, same as they do in the States. 940 01:00:59,781 --> 01:01:01,909 Thank you. 941 01:01:01,992 --> 01:01:03,915 But I'll tell you, that leg bit- 942 01:01:05,287 --> 01:01:07,961 it sure puts the BM in the PM's coffee, eh? 943 01:01:08,039 --> 01:01:09,507 That is something. 944 01:01:09,583 --> 01:01:13,258 - It's creepy, right? - No. No, it's something. 945 01:01:13,336 --> 01:01:17,261 I had a fella come in here from Québec two days ago... 946 01:01:17,340 --> 01:01:20,093 asking about any legless bodies that might have turned up. 947 01:01:20,177 --> 01:01:24,774 Used to be a cop. Said he's hunting some kind of serial killer. 948 01:01:26,183 --> 01:01:28,686 I told him Canada doesn't have any serial killers. 949 01:01:28,768 --> 01:01:33,114 Unless you count the pothead who took out all the Cap'n Crunch last night at the Eh-2-Zed. 950 01:01:34,399 --> 01:01:36,447 Anyway... 951 01:01:36,526 --> 01:01:39,905 he gave me his number and he left it. 952 01:01:39,988 --> 01:01:41,740 I'll take it. 953 01:01:53,793 --> 01:01:55,591 Ahoy, matey! 954 01:02:04,554 --> 01:02:07,603 You know, it occurs to me... 955 01:02:09,100 --> 01:02:11,899 that if you are to fulfill your destiny... 956 01:02:12,771 --> 01:02:15,741 if you are to be a true walrus- 957 01:02:17,067 --> 01:02:19,195 Well, Mr. Tusk... 958 01:02:20,445 --> 01:02:23,665 a walrus must learn to swim. 959 01:02:37,837 --> 01:02:40,636 Good! Good! 960 01:02:40,715 --> 01:02:44,561 That's it! Show me how the fishies swim! 961 01:02:44,636 --> 01:02:47,185 Ah! Swim! 962 01:02:47,264 --> 01:02:50,108 Come on, creature of the deep blue sea! 963 01:02:50,183 --> 01:02:52,481 Come on, damn you! Swim! 964 01:03:05,532 --> 01:03:08,285 Yes! Come on! Swim! 965 01:03:44,696 --> 01:03:46,619 I am Guy Lapointe. 966 01:03:46,698 --> 01:03:48,621 That is my name. Guy Lapointe. 967 01:03:48,700 --> 01:03:51,795 And I spended 20 years as the inspector... 968 01:03:51,870 --> 01:03:54,464 of the Sureté du Québec. 969 01:03:54,539 --> 01:03:57,634 But for the last 10 years of my life... 970 01:03:57,709 --> 01:04:00,212 I have been hunting an animal... 971 01:04:00,295 --> 01:04:04,095 who is doing the masquerade as the man. 972 01:04:04,174 --> 01:04:07,804 I have been hunting this 'Oward 'Owe- 973 01:04:07,886 --> 01:04:10,139 Howard Howe- 974 01:04:10,221 --> 01:04:15,022 this elusive, uh, devil made of the flesh... 975 01:04:15,101 --> 01:04:17,354 this serial killer... 976 01:04:17,437 --> 01:04:20,782 who makes the bringing of the blood and terror... 977 01:04:20,857 --> 01:04:23,360 to the true north. 978 01:04:23,443 --> 01:04:25,491 I... 979 01:04:25,570 --> 01:04:27,493 am a very dedicated man... 980 01:04:27,572 --> 01:04:32,169 and I have sacrificed my life, too many marriages... 981 01:04:32,243 --> 01:04:33,916 any chance at happiness... 982 01:04:33,995 --> 01:04:36,965 and very likely, some may say... 983 01:04:37,040 --> 01:04:39,884 uh, my, uh, uh, sanity... 984 01:04:39,959 --> 01:04:44,214 all in the pursuit of this butcher of the men. 985 01:04:44,297 --> 01:04:46,299 And because of this... 986 01:04:49,052 --> 01:04:51,475 the solace of the sleep... 987 01:04:51,554 --> 01:04:54,524 most of the time eludes me. 988 01:04:54,599 --> 01:04:57,978 But last night, after you called me... 989 01:04:58,061 --> 01:05:01,281 I sleep like the breastfed baby... 990 01:05:01,356 --> 01:05:05,236 and I wake up this morning, in the morning... 991 01:05:05,318 --> 01:05:08,697 and I know that, in my bones... 992 01:05:08,780 --> 01:05:11,124 my quarry is close. 993 01:05:11,199 --> 01:05:17,206 And he is so close that I can almost smell his shit. 994 01:05:17,288 --> 01:05:18,835 Pardon my French. 995 01:05:20,917 --> 01:05:23,295 Who has the Blue Sky with Fries? 996 01:05:23,378 --> 01:05:24,880 - That would be me. - All right. 997 01:05:24,963 --> 01:05:28,763 - How about the Gimli Slider, no onions? - That would also be me. 998 01:05:28,842 --> 01:05:32,392 - The Monsieur Maurice milk shake? - That would also be me. 999 01:05:32,470 --> 01:05:35,394 Okay, here's some napkins. You're gonna need those. 1000 01:05:35,473 --> 01:05:38,477 - All right. Have a nice flight. - Thank you so much. 1001 01:05:40,854 --> 01:05:42,856 You know, I'll tell you something. 1002 01:05:44,858 --> 01:05:47,486 They don't have these back home, you know. 1003 01:05:47,569 --> 01:05:50,322 You throw a rock in Québec City... 1004 01:05:50,405 --> 01:05:52,499 and it will land in a Chez Ashton. 1005 01:05:53,783 --> 01:05:57,413 And not a single goddamn Gimli Slider. 1006 01:05:57,495 --> 01:06:02,422 And that, in my opinion, is the only failure of the mighty people of Québec. 1007 01:06:03,501 --> 01:06:05,720 How many people has he killed? 1008 01:06:05,795 --> 01:06:07,718 Twenty-three. 1009 01:06:07,797 --> 01:06:12,143 And if your friend has been abducted by the same monster I am hunting... 1010 01:06:12,218 --> 01:06:15,392 it is probably going to be 24 pretty soon. 1011 01:06:17,182 --> 01:06:20,026 His MO is always the same. 1012 01:06:20,101 --> 01:06:23,105 Uh, a month after the disappearance... 1013 01:06:23,188 --> 01:06:25,486 we find the pieces of the skinned body... 1014 01:06:27,150 --> 01:06:30,780 and the legs are always amputated at the knees. 1015 01:06:30,862 --> 01:06:34,833 Arms are always, uh, fused t-to the body... 1016 01:06:34,908 --> 01:06:38,287 like a kind of crucified T. rex. 1017 01:06:38,369 --> 01:06:40,918 You know? Like that. That's what it looks like. 1018 01:06:40,997 --> 01:06:43,921 And always the mouth and the teeth... 1019 01:06:44,000 --> 01:06:45,593 have been disturbed. 1020 01:06:46,586 --> 01:06:47,838 How? 1021 01:06:47,921 --> 01:06:49,673 Mm-mmm. 1022 01:06:53,051 --> 01:06:54,928 That's a very thick, um- 1023 01:06:59,432 --> 01:07:00,934 What was I saying? 1024 01:07:01,017 --> 01:07:03,987 How have they been disturbed? 1025 01:07:04,062 --> 01:07:05,985 In, um, every case... 1026 01:07:06,064 --> 01:07:07,737 the tongues have been ripped out. 1027 01:07:07,815 --> 01:07:10,068 - Jesus. - Oh, yes. 1028 01:07:10,151 --> 01:07:14,873 It is one fuck of a bummer to look at, I can tell you that. 1029 01:07:16,282 --> 01:07:17,909 Were any of them... 1030 01:07:18,868 --> 01:07:20,245 sexually- 1031 01:07:20,328 --> 01:07:23,252 Oh, no, no. He doesn't touch them like that. 1032 01:07:23,331 --> 01:07:26,676 He butchers them, amputates limbs... 1033 01:07:26,751 --> 01:07:28,378 cuts out tongues... 1034 01:07:28,461 --> 01:07:32,637 but he don't do nothing sexy with them, you know. 1035 01:07:32,715 --> 01:07:34,137 Never. 1036 01:07:34,217 --> 01:07:37,767 The boys on the force, uh, nicknamed this- this killer... 1037 01:07:37,845 --> 01:07:39,347 the First Wife... 1038 01:07:39,430 --> 01:07:42,900 because the first wife doesn't let you talk... 1039 01:07:42,976 --> 01:07:45,354 she doesn't let you go anywhere... 1040 01:07:45,436 --> 01:07:47,530 and she does not fuck you. 1041 01:07:51,317 --> 01:07:53,411 And she don't fuck you. 1042 01:07:54,988 --> 01:07:58,083 It's- It's funnier if you've been married a few times. 1043 01:07:58,157 --> 01:08:00,580 Maybe we should be talking to someone else. 1044 01:08:00,660 --> 01:08:02,162 Mmm. 1045 01:08:03,204 --> 01:08:07,425 I-I think that that's a very good idea for you, to go talk to someone else... 1046 01:08:07,500 --> 01:08:10,379 Mr. Big Bear Riding a Bulldozer. 1047 01:08:10,461 --> 01:08:16,468 Or maybe you could just, uh, uh, “firm” your fucking Douche for one second... 1048 01:08:16,551 --> 01:08:18,804 and listen to Guy Lapointe. 1049 01:08:19,721 --> 01:08:21,143 Mmm? 1050 01:08:21,222 --> 01:08:23,145 - Let me tell a story. - Okay. 1051 01:08:24,309 --> 01:08:26,562 I believe that to- 1052 01:08:26,644 --> 01:08:28,191 Can you come closer? 1053 01:08:29,981 --> 01:08:31,574 Can you come closer? 1054 01:08:31,649 --> 01:08:33,617 Closer- You- Can you come- 1055 01:08:33,693 --> 01:08:35,695 Can you come closer? 1056 01:08:38,156 --> 01:08:40,875 I believe that two years back... 1057 01:08:40,950 --> 01:08:44,170 I met this son of a bitch. 1058 01:08:59,177 --> 01:09:02,351 Ah, well, good afternoon to you, sir. 1059 01:09:02,430 --> 01:09:06,526 I am Guy Lapointe, Sureté du Québec. 1060 01:09:07,185 --> 01:09:10,359 Oh! Did you come here about the spider? 1061 01:09:11,481 --> 01:09:13,483 The- Mmm? 1062 01:09:13,566 --> 01:09:15,660 I called the police two days ago... 1063 01:09:15,735 --> 01:09:19,365 because there's a big ol' "psider" in my potty hole. 1064 01:09:20,323 --> 01:09:22,496 Your potty hole? 1065 01:09:23,242 --> 01:09:25,040 - The shitter! - Oh! 1066 01:09:26,120 --> 01:09:28,543 Oh, I see. 1067 01:09:28,623 --> 01:09:32,673 So you have some sort of creepy crawler thing in your toilet box. Ha-ha! 1068 01:09:32,752 --> 01:09:37,599 Yeah, it's a big ol' brown recluse. Yeah. 1069 01:09:37,674 --> 01:09:40,598 They call it the hobo spider, and it's mean. 1070 01:09:40,677 --> 01:09:43,897 I called the police, and the lady on the phone said to me... 1071 01:09:43,971 --> 01:09:46,690 “Oh, we'll send somebody out in a few days.” 1072 01:09:48,434 --> 01:09:50,812 Well, l-l- I have to regret- 1073 01:09:50,895 --> 01:09:53,819 uh, regretfully inform you that I am not the man. 1074 01:09:53,898 --> 01:09:57,653 I'm not that man who was sent by the lady who said she was sending someone. 1075 01:09:57,735 --> 01:10:00,830 - I'm not him. - You're not gonna shoot the spider? 1076 01:10:00,905 --> 01:10:05,331 As, uh, inspector of the Sureté du Québec... 1077 01:10:05,410 --> 01:10:09,836 I'm actually not authorized to discharge a weapon... 1078 01:10:09,914 --> 01:10:12,008 uh, at a bug. 1079 01:10:12,083 --> 01:10:15,383 - Oh. - One of the downsides of the job. 1080 01:10:15,461 --> 01:10:20,217 But, uh, I come today because I'm investigating a, um- 1081 01:10:21,217 --> 01:10:22,969 Well, a disappearance. 1082 01:10:23,052 --> 01:10:25,521 - Oh! - Yes, sir. 1083 01:10:25,596 --> 01:10:29,351 The hockey player, Gregory Gumtree from Québec City- 1084 01:10:29,434 --> 01:10:31,357 a lot of people have heard of him. 1085 01:10:31,436 --> 01:10:35,816 I have even heard of him once or twice before all of this happened. 1086 01:10:35,898 --> 01:10:38,367 So, many people have heard of him. 1087 01:10:38,443 --> 01:10:40,286 Have you heard of him perhaps? 1088 01:10:40,361 --> 01:10:42,910 - No. - No? 1089 01:10:42,989 --> 01:10:44,366 No. 1090 01:10:44,449 --> 01:10:49,205 Well, uh, last month he was, uh, drafted by the New Nordiques. 1091 01:10:49,287 --> 01:10:52,461 Oh, well, piss on the new Nordiques. 1092 01:10:52,540 --> 01:10:54,918 Give me back my old Nordiques. 1093 01:10:55,001 --> 01:10:56,719 I- 1094 01:10:56,794 --> 01:10:58,592 Do you know something, sir? 1095 01:10:58,671 --> 01:11:02,266 I truly respect your, uh, passion for... 1096 01:11:02,341 --> 01:11:04,309 the game of the hockey. 1097 01:11:04,385 --> 01:11:05,807 Huh? 1098 01:11:05,887 --> 01:11:09,687 So anyway, this hockey player, Gregory Gumtree... 1099 01:11:09,766 --> 01:11:14,397 I guess he'd seen some sort of, uh, advertisement in the bar bathroom... 1100 01:11:14,479 --> 01:11:16,902 that said we can give you a place to live... 1101 01:11:16,981 --> 01:11:21,202 in a living situation that's not far from here... 1102 01:11:21,277 --> 01:11:24,497 but somewhere between here and Quebec City. 1103 01:11:24,572 --> 01:11:28,076 And the hockey player, Gregory Gumtree... 1104 01:11:28,159 --> 01:11:30,082 well, he- he went missing. 1105 01:11:30,161 --> 01:11:31,583 Oh. 1106 01:11:31,662 --> 01:11:33,414 And so I stopped by... 1107 01:11:33,498 --> 01:11:35,876 to see if maybe you might have heard- 1108 01:11:35,958 --> 01:11:40,088 seen something that was a little out of the ordinary... 1109 01:11:40,171 --> 01:11:43,641 the other night on that, uh, Monday- Monday night. 1110 01:11:43,716 --> 01:11:46,595 Oh, no, not Monday night, because I'm down at the rink. 1111 01:11:46,677 --> 01:11:49,476 I'm down at the ice rink Monday nights with the Little Mites. 1112 01:11:49,555 --> 01:11:52,434 Oh, do you coach- You coach the hockey Mites- 1113 01:11:52,517 --> 01:11:54,360 No, no, I'm not the coach. 1114 01:11:54,435 --> 01:11:57,314 I'm just the coach's helper monkey, you know. 1115 01:11:57,396 --> 01:12:00,491 On Monday nights I come and I pick up the sticks... 1116 01:12:00,566 --> 01:12:06,198 and I- and I bring the little ones water, you know, during the drills and all that. 1117 01:12:06,280 --> 01:12:09,079 Then on Monday nights we go out for poutine. 1118 01:12:09,158 --> 01:12:11,832 Have you ever been to Pouteenie Weenie? 1119 01:12:11,911 --> 01:12:13,413 P-Poutine, um... 1120 01:12:13,496 --> 01:12:16,466 really does not agree with me. 1121 01:12:16,541 --> 01:12:18,009 Oh. I'm sorry. 1122 01:12:18,084 --> 01:12:21,088 My innards, it creates such a- 1123 01:12:21,170 --> 01:12:25,095 Poutine gives me the- just the worst shits. 1124 01:12:27,343 --> 01:12:30,017 I'm sorry to be so crass about it. 1125 01:12:30,096 --> 01:12:33,066 By the way, you know, I didn't even get your name. 1126 01:12:33,140 --> 01:12:35,313 Bartholomew Mosier. 1127 01:12:35,393 --> 01:12:39,114 You sure you don't have time to come in and kill a spider? 1128 01:12:39,188 --> 01:12:43,238 I would- I-l swear to you that I would help in any way that I could. 1129 01:12:43,317 --> 01:12:44,694 Yeah. 1130 01:12:44,777 --> 01:12:47,997 I would help, but I'm really just a lowly homicide detective... 1131 01:12:48,072 --> 01:12:53,829 and I'm really not paid enough to, uh- to, uh, deal with the savage animals, you know. 1132 01:12:54,745 --> 01:12:57,043 You know what I think, Mr. Lapointe? 1133 01:12:57,123 --> 01:12:58,545 Hmm? 1134 01:12:58,624 --> 01:13:00,797 I think that the real savage animals... 1135 01:13:00,877 --> 01:13:03,505 are the human beings. 1136 01:13:05,840 --> 01:13:07,683 Oh. Thank you- 1137 01:13:07,758 --> 01:13:09,601 Oh, and thank you so much. 1138 01:13:11,095 --> 01:13:13,143 - Thank you. - Thank you, sir. 1139 01:13:13,222 --> 01:13:15,190 - Thank you. - Have a wonderful day, sir. 1140 01:13:15,266 --> 01:13:17,234 Thank you very much. 1141 01:13:18,102 --> 01:13:21,652 In, uh, all of the “Cananada”... 1142 01:13:21,731 --> 01:13:23,950 there is no record... 1143 01:13:24,775 --> 01:13:26,277 of a man named... 1144 01:13:26,360 --> 01:13:29,113 Bartholomew Mosier. 1145 01:13:29,196 --> 01:13:30,948 There is no local rink. 1146 01:13:31,032 --> 01:13:33,626 There is no hockey Mites. 1147 01:13:33,701 --> 01:13:38,172 And I would also assume that there is no Pouteenie Weenie. 1148 01:13:39,123 --> 01:13:41,217 But ever since that day... 1149 01:13:41,292 --> 01:13:45,468 I stopped, uh, making the assumptions, you know. 1150 01:13:46,547 --> 01:13:50,427 The hockey player, Gregory Gumtree... 1151 01:13:50,509 --> 01:13:53,934 he was probably in that house, you know. 1152 01:13:54,013 --> 01:13:56,357 And I was standing on the porch... 1153 01:13:57,683 --> 01:14:01,733 assuming that I was talking to some harmless simpleton... 1154 01:14:01,812 --> 01:14:03,780 who spoke funny. 1155 01:14:03,856 --> 01:14:06,735 But, um, urn... 1156 01:14:06,817 --> 01:14:11,323 one month later we find what is left of, uh... 1157 01:14:11,405 --> 01:14:14,329 the hockey player, Gregory Gumtree. 1158 01:14:16,410 --> 01:14:21,541 His torso was blocking up a sewer pipe outside of Gatineau. 1159 01:14:25,962 --> 01:14:27,555 So... 1160 01:14:29,006 --> 01:14:31,725 the, uh, man-child... 1161 01:14:31,801 --> 01:14:34,304 Bartholomew Mosier... 1162 01:14:35,262 --> 01:14:37,685 or Howard Howe... 1163 01:14:37,765 --> 01:14:39,517 went, uh, poof. 1164 01:14:40,601 --> 01:14:42,899 Poof. Disappeared. 1165 01:14:42,979 --> 01:14:44,981 He disappeared. 1166 01:14:46,649 --> 01:14:49,072 Do you want to know what my theory is? 1167 01:14:49,151 --> 01:14:54,123 The theory that got me excused from the Sureté du Quebec? 1168 01:14:54,198 --> 01:14:57,042 - Well? - Please. 1169 01:14:57,785 --> 01:14:59,583 All of the victims... 1170 01:14:59,662 --> 01:15:02,711 have holes in the mouth. 1171 01:15:03,749 --> 01:15:05,376 He cuts off the legs. 1172 01:15:05,459 --> 01:15:07,803 He sews the arms. 1173 01:15:07,878 --> 01:15:12,884 But he puts something in their mouth that we don't get to see. 1174 01:15:14,135 --> 01:15:16,058 Some of the cops were saying... 1175 01:15:16,137 --> 01:15:19,641 that the holes were from the meat hooks, you know, with- 1176 01:15:19,724 --> 01:15:23,149 To hang up the body while you strip it of the flesh and all that. 1177 01:15:23,227 --> 01:15:24,729 You know what I mean? 1178 01:15:25,813 --> 01:15:29,534 I-I-I-I beg to differ. 1179 01:15:29,608 --> 01:15:31,576 Well, what do you say? 1180 01:15:31,652 --> 01:15:35,748 Uh, well, the hockey player, Gregory Gumtree... 1181 01:15:35,823 --> 01:15:39,327 th-th-the boy that I failed to save... 1182 01:15:39,410 --> 01:15:42,505 just like all the rest, he had missing legs... 1183 01:15:42,580 --> 01:15:47,381 missing tongue, missing teeth, a hole in the roof of the mouth. 1184 01:15:47,460 --> 01:15:51,590 But the medical examiner, he found something... 1185 01:15:53,424 --> 01:15:56,519 inside the hole of his mouth. 1186 01:16:01,932 --> 01:16:06,608 It was a tiny piece of the victim's own tibia bone, no bigger than this. 1187 01:16:06,687 --> 01:16:09,861 So why would a piece of his leg bone be in his mouth? 1188 01:16:09,940 --> 01:16:12,034 Well, I don't know. 1189 01:16:12,109 --> 01:16:17,866 So I- I go to see this mama of the hockey player, Gregory Gumtree... 1190 01:16:17,948 --> 01:16:19,450 and I say to her... 1191 01:16:19,533 --> 01:16:23,538 “You are the mama, and you know the things about the child. 1192 01:16:23,621 --> 01:16:28,548 You feel things that no police, or nobody, can feel. 1193 01:16:28,626 --> 01:16:33,177 So how do you think your boy was killed?” 1194 01:16:34,423 --> 01:16:37,552 And the mama, she- she's crying, you know. 1195 01:16:37,635 --> 01:16:43,438 And now it is as if she's like my own mama, you know. 1196 01:16:44,600 --> 01:16:46,944 And then the mama, she say to me- 1197 01:16:48,479 --> 01:16:50,481 she say to me... 1198 01:16:52,650 --> 01:16:57,827 “This man is making a monster. 1199 01:16:58,656 --> 01:17:02,661 This man is making a monster.” 1200 01:17:02,743 --> 01:17:05,166 Mr. Tusk... 1201 01:17:05,246 --> 01:17:07,874 why do you blubber so? 1202 01:17:09,041 --> 01:17:12,671 Are you really mourning your loss of humanity? 1203 01:17:12,753 --> 01:17:15,256 I don't understand. 1204 01:17:15,339 --> 01:17:19,264 Who in the hell would want to be human? 1205 01:17:19,343 --> 01:17:22,096 God Almighty. 1206 01:17:22,179 --> 01:17:25,058 In all of my travels... 1207 01:17:25,141 --> 01:17:27,769 I've only ever known a human... 1208 01:17:27,852 --> 01:17:30,651 to be an ocean of shit. 1209 01:17:32,356 --> 01:17:35,781 And my vessel lists... 1210 01:17:36,819 --> 01:17:38,537 and is leaking. 1211 01:17:42,825 --> 01:17:46,045 I'm so very tired, Mr. Tusk. 1212 01:17:50,332 --> 01:17:52,960 Battered by a life... 1213 01:17:53,043 --> 01:17:55,922 of cruel fate... 1214 01:17:56,005 --> 01:17:58,428 and poor decisions... 1215 01:17:58,507 --> 01:18:01,431 and the terrible consequences... 1216 01:18:01,510 --> 01:18:03,512 of both. 1217 01:18:08,934 --> 01:18:11,403 The water's wide 1218 01:18:13,814 --> 01:18:15,862 And I dare not 1219 01:18:17,067 --> 01:18:18,819 Cross over 1220 01:18:21,405 --> 01:18:24,409 Nor have I wings 1221 01:18:26,660 --> 01:18:28,628 Wings to fly 1222 01:18:31,457 --> 01:18:34,051 Build me 1223 01:18:35,044 --> 01:18:37,092 A boat 1224 01:18:38,923 --> 01:18:41,426 That can carry two 1225 01:18:44,929 --> 01:18:46,931 And both 1226 01:18:48,098 --> 01:18:50,146 Shall row 1227 01:18:51,352 --> 01:18:53,446 My love and I 1228 01:18:57,858 --> 01:18:59,906 Oh. 1229 01:18:59,985 --> 01:19:02,579 You must be terribly hungry by now. 1230 01:19:11,247 --> 01:19:13,170 That is a mackerel. 1231 01:19:18,087 --> 01:19:20,556 Bon appétit, Monsieur Tusk. 1232 01:19:44,571 --> 01:19:46,869 Yes. 1233 01:19:49,451 --> 01:19:51,579 Now... 1234 01:19:51,662 --> 01:19:54,711 go to the fish, Mr. Tusk. 1235 01:19:58,002 --> 01:20:00,004 Take the mackerel. 1236 01:20:12,224 --> 01:20:14,522 Feed. 1237 01:20:26,739 --> 01:20:29,788 So, this is nice, and very roomy for an economy. 1238 01:20:29,867 --> 01:20:32,791 I should have rented this model. 1239 01:20:32,870 --> 01:20:35,123 Did you prepay for the gasoline? 1240 01:20:35,205 --> 01:20:36,377 - Yeah. - Mmm. 1241 01:20:36,457 --> 01:20:38,050 So, where do we go first? 1242 01:20:38,125 --> 01:20:40,799 Now? Where- “Where” is for the wolf. 1243 01:20:40,878 --> 01:20:43,597 We look for the witch. 1244 01:20:43,672 --> 01:20:48,178 As in, which one of you knows this missing podcaster the best? 1245 01:20:48,260 --> 01:20:49,762 I-I do. 1246 01:20:49,845 --> 01:20:51,472 - You do. - Yeah. 1247 01:20:51,555 --> 01:20:55,560 On the phone message it said that he was driving for two hours or something. 1248 01:20:55,642 --> 01:20:59,647 So you know him best. You know what he likes to do when he drives. 1249 01:20:59,730 --> 01:21:02,984 Because nobody does nothing in a car. 1250 01:21:03,067 --> 01:21:06,492 Does he smoke the cigarettes? Does he chew the tobaccos or toothpicks? 1251 01:21:06,570 --> 01:21:08,789 Does he drink the coffees? 1252 01:21:08,864 --> 01:21:10,787 Does he have some other thing? I don't know. 1253 01:21:10,866 --> 01:21:14,791 Me, for example, all I do- I cannot start the car... 1254 01:21:14,870 --> 01:21:19,467 without having the- the double-double with eight sugars... 1255 01:21:19,541 --> 01:21:21,964 and a dash of cream. 1256 01:21:22,044 --> 01:21:27,392 So wh-what we really need to do is discern this podcaster's ritual... 1257 01:21:27,466 --> 01:21:29,218 while he is driving. 1258 01:21:31,095 --> 01:21:35,566 He likes, um, big, goofy convenience store drinks. 1259 01:21:39,853 --> 01:21:41,821 Oh, my God! 1260 01:21:41,897 --> 01:21:43,365 It's Mr. Mustache! 1261 01:21:43,440 --> 01:21:45,317 Colleen! 1262 01:21:45,401 --> 01:21:47,278 - Hurry up. - I'm coming. 1263 01:21:49,780 --> 01:21:51,407 Oh, my God. What? 1264 01:21:53,075 --> 01:21:55,294 No way. it's Mr. Mustache. 1265 01:21:55,369 --> 01:21:57,918 Mr. Mustache? 1266 01:21:57,996 --> 01:22:02,046 No, it's not the room I'm interested in as much as you, Mr. Howe. 1267 01:22:02,126 --> 01:22:05,721 Y- Tonight would be- That'd be amazing, sir. Yes. Thank you. 1268 01:22:05,796 --> 01:22:07,719 All right, where am I going? 1269 01:22:07,798 --> 01:22:10,893 Bifrost. Sounds erotic. 1270 01:22:10,968 --> 01:22:13,812 Okay, let me just ask somebody how far I am. Excuse me. 1271 01:22:13,887 --> 01:22:16,015 Hey, uh- 1272 01:22:16,682 --> 01:22:19,936 How's everything over at Degrassi, huh? You kids still gettin' knocked up and shot at? 1273 01:22:21,228 --> 01:22:23,822 - What? - Degrassi. 1274 01:22:23,897 --> 01:22:26,571 Never mind. How far is Bifrost from here? 1275 01:22:26,650 --> 01:22:30,575 - Bifrost? Shit, that's far. - Yeah, it's “aboot” two hours from here. 1276 01:22:30,654 --> 01:22:32,497 God bless you, generous angels. 1277 01:22:32,573 --> 01:22:36,669 The kids here at the convenience store are telling me it's "aboot” two hours away. 1278 01:22:36,743 --> 01:22:39,587 - I hate American guys. - You sure that's not gonna be too late for you? 1279 01:22:39,663 --> 01:22:41,381 Okay, awesome! Yeah. 1280 01:22:41,457 --> 01:22:43,334 Uh, what's your address? 1281 01:22:43,417 --> 01:22:45,920 Hang on one second, sir. Hang on. 1282 01:22:46,003 --> 01:22:49,598 Hey, hey, hey. Can you get off those for one second, give me a pen? 1283 01:22:49,673 --> 01:22:51,095 Sorry, sir. 1284 01:22:51,175 --> 01:22:52,722 Thank you. God bless you. 1285 01:22:52,801 --> 01:22:56,226 You guys have pads here in Canada to write on? You just write in the air? 1286 01:22:56,305 --> 01:22:57,932 Thanks. 1287 01:22:58,015 --> 01:23:00,768 Hey. Just gonna go ahead and write on you. 1288 01:23:00,851 --> 01:23:03,229 Okay, shoot, Mr. Howe. 1289 01:23:03,312 --> 01:23:05,565 Yeah. Great. Got it. 1290 01:23:05,647 --> 01:23:09,151 I'm gonna leave right now, so I'll see you in about two hours. 1291 01:23:09,234 --> 01:23:11,908 Good. Okay. Bye now. 1292 01:23:14,281 --> 01:23:15,828 How much do I owe you? 1293 01:23:19,745 --> 01:23:21,463 That's me? That's my mustache? 1294 01:23:21,538 --> 01:23:25,293 Uh, yep! I'm American! How are things over at Degrassi High? 1295 01:23:25,375 --> 01:23:28,845 Do you ladies know where Bifrost is? Uh, duh! 1296 01:23:30,756 --> 01:23:32,178 You guys suck. 1297 01:23:33,050 --> 01:23:36,600 So, this pad of paper that he borrowed to write down the address... 1298 01:23:36,678 --> 01:23:39,682 I would like for you to give it to me, please, if you would. 1299 01:23:40,933 --> 01:23:43,686 - Give him the pad. - You give him the pad. 1300 01:23:43,769 --> 01:23:45,271 Give him the pad! 1301 01:23:45,354 --> 01:23:47,948 One of you must give me the pad now. 1302 01:23:48,023 --> 01:23:50,526 I thank you very much. 1303 01:23:50,609 --> 01:23:52,611 Do you have a pencil? 1304 01:23:52,694 --> 01:23:54,742 Thank you very much. 1305 01:24:01,537 --> 01:24:03,164 You see that? 1306 01:24:04,331 --> 01:24:06,004 Wow. 1307 01:24:06,083 --> 01:24:07,881 It's amazing. 1308 01:24:07,960 --> 01:24:10,463 They did it in The Big Lebowski. 1309 01:24:10,546 --> 01:24:14,392 You know, that's exactly where I learned it from. isn't that weird? 1310 01:24:14,466 --> 01:24:15,934 Okay. 1311 01:24:24,351 --> 01:24:25,853 Now... 1312 01:24:25,936 --> 01:24:28,155 isn't this soothing to the soul? 1313 01:24:31,817 --> 01:24:33,319 I know! 1314 01:24:33,402 --> 01:24:37,248 If I close my eyes, I can almost imagine being back on Ponder Rock... 1315 01:24:37,322 --> 01:24:41,793 where I knew peace in this twisted, hateful world. 1316 01:24:43,036 --> 01:24:46,540 I miss our little paradise, Mr. Tusk. 1317 01:24:46,623 --> 01:24:51,094 This is just a poor facsimile of that magical enclave... 1318 01:24:51,169 --> 01:24:53,592 where we first became good friends. 1319 01:24:54,673 --> 01:24:56,846 Remember? 1320 01:24:59,052 --> 01:25:00,645 Until that... 1321 01:25:02,306 --> 01:25:03,979 terrible day. 1322 01:25:06,059 --> 01:25:11,111 Man feeds on the meat and sinew of the helpless... 1323 01:25:12,316 --> 01:25:14,694 until we are all... 1324 01:25:15,360 --> 01:25:17,533 alone. 1325 01:25:19,114 --> 01:25:22,038 We survive at all costs... 1326 01:25:22,117 --> 01:25:24,415 only to butcher again... 1327 01:25:24,494 --> 01:25:26,337 and again... 1328 01:25:27,664 --> 01:25:29,917 until we ourselves are, at last... 1329 01:25:30,000 --> 01:25:32,469 butchered in turn. 1330 01:25:33,879 --> 01:25:37,304 You were not prepared for me last time, Mr. Tusk. 1331 01:25:37,382 --> 01:25:39,384 You were not ready for the fight. 1332 01:25:40,052 --> 01:25:42,180 This time it will be different... 1333 01:25:43,096 --> 01:25:45,724 because I have hardened you... 1334 01:25:45,807 --> 01:25:48,060 just to show you... 1335 01:25:48,143 --> 01:25:51,192 how cruel man can be. 1336 01:26:18,131 --> 01:26:21,556 And if I've truly brought out the walrus in you... 1337 01:26:23,178 --> 01:26:25,180 this “me... 1338 01:26:25,889 --> 01:26:28,187 you just might prevail. 1339 01:26:29,559 --> 01:26:31,436 Less than a kilometer... 1340 01:26:31,520 --> 01:26:33,488 from mile marker nine. 1341 01:26:33,563 --> 01:26:35,031 Yeah. The plates match. 1342 01:26:35,107 --> 01:26:37,030 - I'm going. - No, no. He's not there. 1343 01:26:37,109 --> 01:26:41,410 I promise you he's not there. But he is close. 1344 01:26:45,117 --> 01:26:49,714 So, we are about to find your friend... 1345 01:26:49,788 --> 01:26:51,540 and the dangerous man who took him. 1346 01:26:55,293 --> 01:26:56,795 These are guns. 1347 01:26:56,878 --> 01:26:58,425 I-I don't want one. 1348 01:26:58,505 --> 01:27:00,599 You don't want a gun? 1349 01:27:00,674 --> 01:27:02,426 Y-You take 'em. 1350 01:27:02,509 --> 01:27:05,353 Wh- What kind of American are you? 1351 01:27:05,429 --> 01:27:08,353 - The kind that's never used a gun before. - Take the fucking gun! 1352 01:27:08,432 --> 01:27:10,560 Yes, take the fucking gun, please. 1353 01:27:10,642 --> 01:27:12,736 I'll- I'll- I'll take the big one. 1354 01:27:13,937 --> 01:27:15,610 Yes. 1355 01:27:17,733 --> 01:27:19,360 Some years back... 1356 01:27:19,443 --> 01:27:21,946 I was rescued from the island of Ponder Rock... 1357 01:27:22,028 --> 01:27:26,249 a mere hour after I'd butchered my sweet savior walrus... 1358 01:27:26,324 --> 01:27:28,497 in order to live. 1359 01:27:28,577 --> 01:27:31,956 I've marked this occasion for 15 years now... 1360 01:27:32,038 --> 01:27:34,837 by allowing my flippered friend... 1361 01:27:34,916 --> 01:27:37,260 the fighting chance he never had. 1362 01:27:37,335 --> 01:27:42,466 So, you will fight me, Mr. Walrus... 1363 01:27:42,549 --> 01:27:44,301 or you will die! 1364 01:28:03,278 --> 01:28:05,827 Wallace? Wallace! 1365 01:28:22,214 --> 01:28:24,308 - Wallace! - Wallace! Up there! Wallace! 1366 01:28:25,175 --> 01:28:27,928 So, just as I had to kill you on Ponder Rock... 1367 01:28:28,011 --> 01:28:31,106 you have a terrible choice to make here. 1368 01:28:31,181 --> 01:28:33,809 You have to kill me... 1369 01:28:33,892 --> 01:28:35,940 if you want to live. 1370 01:28:36,019 --> 01:28:38,442 And if you live... 1371 01:28:38,522 --> 01:28:40,445 it will be as a walrus... 1372 01:28:40,524 --> 01:28:42,902 which you almost are. 1373 01:28:42,984 --> 01:28:47,364 So, either you go full walrus- 1374 01:28:48,532 --> 01:28:50,500 or this! 1375 01:28:59,251 --> 01:29:00,798 What the fuck? 1376 01:29:00,877 --> 01:29:03,426 - Wallace! Wallace! - Wallace! Wallace! 1377 01:29:04,422 --> 01:29:07,551 - Wallace? - Wallace! Wallace? 1378 01:29:08,218 --> 01:29:10,471 You've lasted longer than the rest. 1379 01:29:10,554 --> 01:29:12,727 You would kill me if you could. 1380 01:29:13,890 --> 01:29:15,938 You want to. 1381 01:29:16,017 --> 01:29:18,190 The survival instincts... 1382 01:29:19,020 --> 01:29:20,522 have kicked in. 1383 01:29:30,574 --> 01:29:33,418 But... so have mine! 1384 01:29:48,008 --> 01:29:49,476 Where is it coming from? 1385 01:29:50,260 --> 01:29:51,728 - Behind the wall. - Wallace! 1386 01:29:51,803 --> 01:29:53,396 - He's behind the wall! - Wallace! 1387 01:29:53,471 --> 01:29:55,940 - Hey, this gives! - Stand back! 1388 01:30:12,032 --> 01:30:14,126 It is accomplished. 1389 01:30:16,244 --> 01:30:17,791 You are my... 1390 01:30:19,289 --> 01:30:21,417 Mr. Tusk. 1391 01:30:35,889 --> 01:30:37,516 Wallace. 1392 01:30:43,104 --> 01:30:44,777 No! 1393 01:30:55,825 --> 01:30:57,998 Wallace! 1394 01:31:32,362 --> 01:31:35,832 No! No! 1395 01:31:36,992 --> 01:31:40,542 No! No! 1396 01:32:37,969 --> 01:32:39,516 Wallace? 1397 01:32:42,807 --> 01:32:44,400 We're here. 1398 01:32:50,023 --> 01:32:51,650 It's Ally. 1399 01:32:53,568 --> 01:32:55,616 And Teddy. 1400 01:33:02,702 --> 01:33:04,295 The treat. 1401 01:33:29,104 --> 01:33:31,653 You don't have to hide from us, Wallace. 1402 01:33:35,151 --> 01:33:37,153 Wallace! 1403 01:33:47,330 --> 01:33:50,300 I can't even remember the last time you cried while watching Winnie the Pooh. 1404 01:33:50,375 --> 01:33:52,423 So I don't cry. Big deal. 1405 01:33:52,502 --> 01:33:54,675 I'm also a lot older, remember. 1406 01:33:54,754 --> 01:33:56,347 Crying's kinda for babies. 1407 01:33:57,799 --> 01:34:00,723 I remember when my grandma died... 1408 01:34:00,802 --> 01:34:05,228 and... my grandpa was destroyed. 1409 01:34:05,306 --> 01:34:07,900 He had tears streaming down his face. 1410 01:34:07,976 --> 01:34:10,604 He was holding her picture, and I was so worried. 1411 01:34:10,687 --> 01:34:12,155 Hmm. 1412 01:34:12,230 --> 01:34:13,777 I used to say- 1413 01:34:15,733 --> 01:34:17,656 What's that? 1414 01:34:17,735 --> 01:34:19,703 “Don't cry, abuelo. ” 1415 01:34:19,779 --> 01:34:21,452 And he would say- 1416 01:34:25,660 --> 01:34:27,378 “lt's good to cry.” 1417 01:34:29,289 --> 01:34:31,587 It separates us from the animals. 1418 01:34:33,334 --> 01:34:35,553 It shows you have a soul. 1419 01:34:46,222 --> 01:34:47,974 I love you, Wallace. 1420 01:34:49,434 --> 01:34:51,232 Don't ever forget that. 1421 01:39:00,435 --> 01:39:03,279 - Welcome to SModcast. I'm Kevin Smith. - I'm Scott Mosier. 1422 01:39:03,354 --> 01:39:06,107 Oh, shit. All right, so here's the third act. 1423 01:39:06,190 --> 01:39:10,411 He then goes and puts on Ne. suit made of human skins. 1424 01:39:10,486 --> 01:39:12,830 And so you realize he's done this before. 1425 01:39:12,905 --> 01:39:15,829 - Like, I'm not the first lodger and shit like that. - Gotcha. 1426 01:39:15,908 --> 01:39:19,754 So he's in it, you're in yours, and you have to have one of them walrus fights. 1427 01:39:19,829 --> 01:39:21,456 Like on the beach! 1428 01:39:22,665 --> 01:39:24,667 Where you slam each other- 1429 01:39:27,962 --> 01:39:32,593 And we start saying, “ls man indeed a walrus at heart?” 1430 01:39:35,928 --> 01:39:37,930 You ultimately get him and- 1431 01:39:38,764 --> 01:39:40,937 But then what has to happen at the end is... 1432 01:39:41,017 --> 01:39:44,191 once he makes that switch, he can't go back. 1433 01:39:44,270 --> 01:39:46,944 Like the clinic for the criminally insane or something like that? 1434 01:39:47,023 --> 01:39:48,491 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1435 01:39:48,566 --> 01:39:50,489 And you see, like, his buddy- 1436 01:39:50,568 --> 01:39:54,243 He's got something wrapped in a newspaper, and then he opens it- 1437 01:39:54,322 --> 01:39:56,416 It's a fish. 1438 01:39:56,491 --> 01:39:58,619 Oh, this is awesome. 1439 01:39:58,701 --> 01:40:02,331 And it is- Like, it's, like, another walrus enclave. 1440 01:40:02,413 --> 01:40:04,916 A better version of where he was. 1441 01:40:04,999 --> 01:40:07,923 - He realizes they can'! re verse the process. - No, they can't. 1442 01:40:08,002 --> 01:40:11,802 He's fu- Even in his head, he's gone full walrus. 1443 01:40:11,881 --> 01:40:13,724 Yeah! 1444 01:40:15,801 --> 01:40:18,930 And he throws him the fish, and then fuckin'- 1445 01:40:19,013 --> 01:40:21,266 The walrus man... 1446 01:40:21,349 --> 01:40:24,478 scurries over to it, all gross and shit... 1447 01:40:24,560 --> 01:40:26,654 and starts biting at it at the ground. 1448 01:40:26,729 --> 01:40:29,073 They play, like, some sad piano music. 1449 01:40:29,148 --> 01:40:31,651 Roll credits as we pull back on this overhead... 1450 01:40:31,734 --> 01:40:34,578 watching him fuckin' eating this fish off the ground. 1451 01:40:37,448 --> 01:40:39,450 And there's a song that's just like- 1452 01:40:39,534 --> 01:40:42,788 Being tender in your heart 1453 01:40:47,708 --> 01:40:50,757 - Is that a real song? - No! 1454 01:40:50,836 --> 01:40:54,215 We need a hashtag for this. The conversation needs to grow. 1455 01:40:54,298 --> 01:40:56,050 Two hashtags- 1456 01:40:56,133 --> 01:40:59,057 #walrusyes, #walrusno. 1457 01:40:59,136 --> 01:41:03,107 - Oh, for people who don't want it to happen? - Your vote is crucial. 1458 01:41:26,080 --> 01:41:29,505 You just had to have the second slider. 1459 01:41:29,584 --> 01:41:31,507 You just had to have... 1460 01:41:31,586 --> 01:41:33,680 the second slider. 1461 01:41:35,402 --> 01:41:41,041 Ripped by Freaky.