1
00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:10,593
Grand Canyon ain't nothin'.
2
00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:17,159
Being a grandfather, or a father, now
that's harder than being the Grand Canyon.
3
00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:20,760
It's just a hole, sitting
there, doing nothing.
4
00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:24,597
Okay, but are you even okay without
havin' a Grand Canyon?
5
00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:30,280
Or should we just kick some sand up all
over it, and fill it up like a cat box?
6
00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:31,360
Shit.
7
00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:35,879
All I'm sayin' is the Grand Canyon is
8
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:38,794
where Joe was left that very day.
9
00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,793
Yo, Ebony, Ivory? You
talkin' about Joe Dirt?
10
00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:44,190
- Yeah.
- I know a little something about Joe Dirt.
11
00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:48,158
Stopped into an old radio station I worked
a few years back.
12
00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:51,039
Stayed for, it must have been a week.
13
00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:54,353
Wove some bat-shit crazy tale.
14
00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:58,349
So bat-shit, he should have hung upside down
from the ceiling when he was telling it.
15
00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:01,911
I remember a big kid, bigger heart.
16
00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:05,597
Sure, you know, I'm not saying the IQ
wasn't subterranean.
17
00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:09,191
I mean, that intellect was barely
skimming the treetops.
18
00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:12,675
Now, I ain't saying that I ain't
in "agree-ence" with you.
19
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:17,517
But somewhere in there,
the speechifying you making,
20
00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:19,080
it just ain't sounded right.
21
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,356
Hey, John C-minus Reilly.
22
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:24,720
It's not "agree-ence", it's "agreematude".
23
00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:27,679
And by the way, what's with the mouth
for God's sakes?
24
00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:31,550
The teeth look like a half-completed
Lego project.
25
00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:33,831
What are you gargling with, M-80s?
26
00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:37,516
Are those deciduous teeth? I'm waiting
for them to change color, fall out
27
00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:41,560
and float down to the Grand. Who's your
orthodontist, Moe Howard with
28
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:43,074
a ball-peen hammer?
29
00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:47,279
I mean, for God's sakes, man. It looks like
Willie Stargell took a bat to your mouth.
30
00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:52,793
Now listen, JD has got himself in
another bind here.
31
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:57,193
But, why not let the boy tell ya
his own tale, in his own way?
32
00:01:57,280 --> 00:01:58,999
Let's drop that needle, guys.
33
00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:07,837
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second.
34
00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:11,756
That's a sweet song, I get the thematics,
but this is Joe Dirt.
35
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:16,273
We're gonna start this puppy off,
we gotta go old school. Try it again, guys.
36
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:37,919
Big wheels keep on turning
37
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:42,799
Carry me home to see my kin
38
00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:47,400
Singing songs about the south-land
39
00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:53,598
I miss "ole" 'bamy once again
And I think it's a sin
40
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:03,955
Hello.
41
00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:08,034
I'm Dirt. I'm Joe Dirt.
42
00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:13,718
Those look like pretty comfortable
shoes you got on there.
43
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:18,433
My boots don't feel so good, but
they're, like, magical or something.
44
00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:22,233
Look, cracker, don't you be talking
no Forrest Gump
45
00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:24,915
crap to me, you little bitch waffle.
46
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:29,080
Sittin' there talkin' all that honky-ass
whiney crap like,
47
00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:32,756
"Mama said life is like
a box of chocolates."
48
00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:34,240
Boy, sittin' next to you for even
49
00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:38,519
ten seconds makes me feel like I should
take a shower in a bath full of Clorox.
50
00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:40,234
Shit.
51
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:42,314
Mullet head.
52
00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:54,238
Hey, if I said "hi" to you, you're not going
to call me, like, a dumb crap Forrest Gump
53
00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:55,640
or something, will you?
54
00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:59,909
Well, uh, let's play it by ear.
55
00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:02,595
Are you waiting on the seven
cross-town bus?
56
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:03,756
Fair enough.
57
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:09,160
No, I'm just waitin' for the concert to be
over, over there, yeah. I tidy up after.
58
00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:14,276
- Tidy up?
- Dirty, yeah. I'm sort of, you know, a roadie.
59
00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:18,793
Oh, you travel with the bands, and you
pack up their equipment after concerts
60
00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:23,318
- and their amplifiers and stuff?
- Oh, yeah, exactly. But, no, not per se.
61
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:27,235
I don't travel with them.
Uh, mostly I mop up after they're done.
62
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:33,391
Like, I clean up the poop and the barf
and things. And your occasional fart items.
63
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:35,392
And peepee, you know, whatnot.
64
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:40,317
So, you don't actually travel with them,
and such. Not a roadie.
65
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:43,472
No, exactly. I don't know where
that started, yeah.
66
00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:46,792
- Now we're on the same page.
- Why aren't you in there,
67
00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:50,351
- watching them perform?
- Oh, uh, well,
68
00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:56,434
I ain't exactly allowed in the building
during the concerto, if you will.
69
00:04:56,520 --> 00:05:01,072
But, if there is a diarrhea emergency or
something, I get to go in and clean it up.
70
00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:03,391
And I can hear a little bit.
So there are some perks.
71
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:04,720
Oh.
72
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:08,033
I enjoy my job. 'Cause if people have
a hard week, and they wanna rock out
73
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:12,598
at a concert, I like to help, you know,
picking up their garbage and bodily fluids,
74
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:15,070
just so they can relax.
They can thank me later.
75
00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:17,791
They don't. But, uh, that's cool.
76
00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:20,754
It don't stop me from being
All In, All The Time.
77
00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:23,190
Bam-bam. You know how it is, yeah.
78
00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:27,880
So much has been happening to me
that I don't even understand it all.
79
00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:31,120
It's all just happening
way above my pay grade.
80
00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:34,912
Oh, above zero? Just kidding.
81
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,754
- Sorry, that was rude.
- No, that's a good one. You got me.
82
00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:42,039
That's pretty much how it is. See,
my new story picks up after my first story,
83
00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:45,477
and yet it goes back to the day I was born.
84
00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:51,111
Well, you've got me intrigued.
And I don't see the bus coming nearby, so
85
00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:53,314
start at the beginning.
86
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:57,273
It starts where every good thing in my life
ever got started.
87
00:05:58,040 --> 00:05:59,599
Silvertown.
88
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:02,073
Man, that's the greatest town ever.
89
00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:07,593
I woke up this morning
Got myself a gun
90
00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:13,392
Mama always said I'd be the chosen one
91
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:18,358
One in a million I believe
I'm gonna burn to shine
92
00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:23,999
I was born under a bad sign
with a blue moon in my eyes
93
00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:29,471
I woke up this morning
and all that love had gone
94
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:34,638
My papa never told me
about right and wrong
95
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:40,111
But I'm looking good, baby
I believe that I'm feeling fine
96
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:45,275
I was born under a bad sign
with a blue moon in your eyes...
97
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:52,160
And today was the best day ever.
Man, I was marrying Brandy.
98
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:05,950
Ooh, something's got a hold on me now
99
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:07,360
Ow!
100
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:11,198
It's a feeling, burnin' like a love on fire
101
00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:12,953
Hey! Come here, get down!
102
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,078
It was like I was dreamin'.
103
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:19,676
Brandy knew me better than I knew myself.
104
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:23,198
Like, she knew that I didn't know what
seven times seven was.
105
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,512
I mean, yeah,
now I know that it's 77, but still.
106
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:28,034
She knew me.
107
00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:31,950
And just when I thought it couldn't
get any better, it did.
108
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:33,040
Joe...
109
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:34,879
We were gonna have a baby.
110
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:37,992
Morning sickness came on fast.
111
00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:40,040
Get it out.
112
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,436
But Brandy was a real trooper about it.
113
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:45,195
It's gotta be love
114
00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:46,560
Oh!
115
00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:51,556
And then the big day arrived.
116
00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:53,831
- Joe, honey? How are you doing?
- Yeah.
117
00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:56,754
Yeah, yeah, I'm doing good, baby.
I'm doing good.
118
00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:59,480
Oh, please make her smart like Brandy.
Please make her smart like Brandy.
119
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:02,553
- Don't make her dumb like me.
- Joe?
120
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:03,960
What?
121
00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:07,033
I don't know what to do. Just tell me if
there's something I need to help you with.
122
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:09,430
- Honey, honey, breathe. Okay?
- Yeah.
123
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:12,797
- In and out. That's it.
- Okay. Oh, man.
124
00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:14,758
We're gonna see our baby real soon.
125
00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:16,320
I hope she looks like you.
126
00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:17,960
No, shut up!
127
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:21,835
I mean, shut up, because, no,
please, she has to look like you, baby.
128
00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:23,912
Don't waste a favor. What if God listens?
You can't...
129
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:28,034
You are the most handsomest man
that I have ever seen.
130
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:31,639
Baby, I think them drugs
put your eyeballs to sleep,
131
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:33,632
because you don't know what you're saying.
132
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:35,919
All right, let's, uh, take a look.
133
00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:40,913
Centimeter dilation,
looks just about right.
134
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:42,993
Hey, Doc, are you smoking?
135
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:46,592
Was it the cigarette that
gave it away, Sherlock?
136
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,676
Dr. Boris, dial 182, please.
137
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:53,113
- Doctor girl?
- Mister, may I call you Brandy?
138
00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:56,239
Because I feel like once I've seen your
muff, we should be on a first name basis.
139
00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:58,710
Okay, this exchange doesn't sound too
"doctorish" to me.
140
00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:01,599
Oh, how cool. Did you go to med school?
141
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:03,395
No, I did not.
142
00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:06,558
Oh, so, you don't know how doctors talk.
I thought maybe you did
143
00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:10,600
the way you sounded all confident about our
exchange not sounding doctor-like.
144
00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:12,712
My Joe went to the school of hard knocks
145
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:15,599
but graduated with honors.
Please treat him with respect.
146
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:18,679
Aw, that's nice, Brandy, ya always say
the nicest stuff about me.
147
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,632
Well, I can't help myself, baby.
148
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:24,430
Well, well, our little girl is crowning.
You're about to meet your baby.
149
00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:27,678
- Hear that, baby?
- I love her so much already!
150
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:30,480
Um, miss? Hold on a second.
151
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:32,319
Sue, I think there's
another baby up in there.
152
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:35,632
- Did I hear there's probably another baby?
- Hey, we're in a meeting.
153
00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:41,313
Hey, Doc, I just wanna... Whoa, whoa.
Jackpot! Give me some!
154
00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:43,711
- What?
- It's a medical term.
155
00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:46,311
It's a medical term, it
don't sound like one.
156
00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:48,756
Oh, wow! Did you go to med school?
157
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:53,159
- Uh, no, we went over this earlier.
- Hey, Doc, I do see another baby in there.
158
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:54,999
Although I'm no baby expert.
159
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:58,119
- You ain't no expert?
- I wanted to get in on this one as soon as
160
00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:01,790
I heard it was gonna be Brandy-Boo
up here in these here stirrups.
161
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,952
- What's that?
- Get out of here, man.
162
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:06,757
What are you doing? Don't talk that way.
163
00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:09,714
- Oh, shit.
- What now? What's the matter?
164
00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:11,598
- There's three up in there.
- Three what?
165
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:13,319
3 babies, dumbass.
166
00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:16,194
- I told you. I told you.
- Well, I see them now.
167
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,714
Excuse me.
168
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:24,272
Today is the day when these tiny
little lives begin their journey
169
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:28,556
that, God willing, will outlast everybody
in this room.
170
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:34,312
Joe and I would appreciate it if you would
show the proper reverence.
171
00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:37,833
Oh, baby, that's so good.
172
00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:40,719
She got the speeches down.
That's poetry right there.
173
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,190
You're my little MLK, baby.
174
00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:45,796
Mmm.
175
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:49,271
This Brandy chick is pure gold.
Inside and out.
176
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:50,680
Mmm. Mmm.
177
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:54,549
A woman like that loving a man like him.
I must have misjudged this fool.
178
00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,078
What do you say we deliver these babies?
179
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:03,359
Wow. Martin Scorsese couldn't compose
a better shot.
180
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,551
What more could a guy ask for?
181
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:08,156
That wasn't it.
182
00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:11,591
Hey, what did Brandy just say?
Let's deliver us some babies.
183
00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:12,909
You got it, Joe Dirt.
184
00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:15,755
Give us some room. Three babies comin' up.
185
00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:17,753
Push! Push!
You got this.
186
00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:18,876
Come on. You can do it!
187
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,872
Are they talking?
188
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:24,114
Congratulations, you have triplets!
189
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:25,516
What?
190
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:30,391
Brandy, you hear that? We got us a little
NASCAR pit crew. I'm so happy.
191
00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:38,357
Joe, it's sweet that you wanna
name them Brandy Junior, Brandy Brandy,
192
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:43,310
and Brandy 2.0 the Special Edition,
but they need real names.
193
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:47,360
You're right. You're the brains of the outfit.
All right, how about this, I've been thinking
194
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:52,120
- Def Lep, Skynyrd and Seger.
- Joe! Be serious.
195
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:55,910
I know. The Def Lep one is wrong.
That's no good. All right, how about this?
196
00:11:56,280 --> 00:12:00,672
383 Magnum, 440 Magnum,
and 426, it's a Hemi.
197
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:03,799
It's a Hemi. Everyone loves a Hemi.
198
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:06,277
Joe, I am naming them.
199
00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:08,431
All right, you constructed them,
you did all the work.
200
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,637
You made 'em perfect and amazing.
What do you got?
201
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:14,676
Cheyenne, Abilene, and Dakota.
202
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,880
So perfect. You're so good at this,
3 for 3.
203
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:20,629
- Yeah?
- You did good.
204
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:22,480
Look at 'em.
205
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:25,313
So everything was good.
206
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:27,354
Sure there were some bumps.
207
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:31,713
Like this local guy, Jimmy Yauch.
Man, he was worse than Robby.
208
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:33,760
What you doing over there?
209
00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:36,313
Makes the smoke minty fresh.
210
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:38,911
What, are you a scientist now?
211
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:44,430
No, I drive a truck for Kipper's tow yard.
I thought you knew that.
212
00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:46,512
And you suck what? I didn't hear that.
213
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:53,316
First of all, no, and second, who's
feeding you all this false information?
214
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:55,592
Well, that would be your mother, son.
215
00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:57,120
Oh.
216
00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,954
I think you better stop.
You better stop now.
217
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:04,592
'Cause like Omar say,
"You come at the king, you best not miss."
218
00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:10,151
- But, I didn't come at you.
- Anyways, boys, I been working on a song.
219
00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:14,834
About the hottest shorty boo that ever
did walk the face of the Earth.
220
00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:18,590
And I'm telling you this right now.
Brandy, one day she will be mine.
221
00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:19,720
Now this I swear.
222
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:21,880
Check this out.
223
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:27,350
I'm a son of a gun
not a box of 6-gun repeaters
224
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:33,796
I'm a backdoor man
not just some Walmart greeter, yeah
225
00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:37,080
I'm rocking a double five-five wiener
226
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:41,070
Looking for Brandy's love meter
227
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,471
Whoa, whoa, yeah, yeah
228
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:52,594
Damn it, I know I suck.
I ain't got no poetry.
229
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:56,552
See, with a girl like Brandy,
you got to have some poetry in you.
230
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:59,112
But it's a catch-22.
231
00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:02,718
Because a woman like that
puts the poetry in you.
232
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:08,437
Damn it to 'Frisco. I hate poetry.
I can't stand poetry.
233
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:11,640
Damn Joe Dirt. It ain't right!
234
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:15,755
It ain't right. It should be me, man.
It should be me and not Joe Dirt.
235
00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:20,115
Sorry about that guitar thing, man.
It got out of hand.
236
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,079
It is what it is.
237
00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:24,792
We all have our cross to bear.
238
00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:29,115
Mine is Joe piece of Dirt.
239
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:32,836
Yeah, Jimmy, that dude was trouble
waiting to happen.
240
00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:38,478
But my girls, man, look at them.
They was growing like weeds.
241
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:41,110
Three beautiful flowers.
242
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:45,912
Yeah, more flowers than weeds. Forget
weeds. They was growin' like flowers.
243
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:51,277
But deep down inside, I was feeling like,
who was I to be happy, you know?
244
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:54,872
'Cause I was always nervous, feeling like
it could all go away.
245
00:14:56,280 --> 00:15:00,320
Turns out I was right to be worried, because
soon it all started unraveling on me.
246
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:06,074
I got this job as a logger, and one day,
it all started coming crashing down on me.
247
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,032
It came down real bad.
248
00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:09,395
11-footer.
249
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,596
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
250
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:28,110
Whoa!
251
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,669
Luke, I am your logger.
252
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:35,234
You can't hear it, but it was funny.
All right, here we go.
253
00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:46,000
It's sticking.
254
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:51,080
Uh, that's lunch.
255
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:58,193
I think I cut 66 logs so far, man.
256
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:01,238
Probably get a good price down at the mill.
257
00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:03,274
- Hey, Dirt?
- Yep.
258
00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:06,034
- You strong?
- You know it.
259
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:09,600
Pick that up.
260
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:15,076
Kinda walked into that one, didn't I? Yeah.
261
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:18,272
Hey, Dirt. You look like Elmer Fudd
in that hat.
262
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,392
Shit, more like Elmer Fudgepacker.
263
00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:27,553
Oh, yeah, that guy in the cartoons.
Yeah, I guess. Looking stupid, yeah.
264
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,396
I seem to have forgotten my lunch,
265
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:33,075
maybe, uh, you could give me the apple core
when you're done with it?
266
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:35,479
Nah, you can't have that, boy.
267
00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:39,551
I do have something for ya. Here you go.
268
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:46,993
Mind if I join ya? I got one for ya.
Come on, dirty Dirt.
269
00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:48,594
Come on.
270
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:51,434
I got one. I got one for a face to
land on, myself.
271
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,597
A little up close and person...
272
00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:01,149
Oh, boy, that one has got sauerkraut.
273
00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:03,832
Hey, little logger boy.
274
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:08,316
Sexy Joe. These boys giving you trouble?
275
00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:12,074
Oh, no, Missy, we're just funning around.
276
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:13,919
Can you keep a secret?
277
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:17,678
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Then keep this a secret.
278
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:19,634
Oh!
279
00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:29,835
Dang. That secret had
some secret sauce in it.
280
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:32,914
How was hers the worst one?
Oh, man, Missy.
281
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:35,549
I still got some meth gas left inside.
282
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:40,720
Get this guy a paper towel.
283
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:47,954
You're right, kraut.
Can you read farts, boy?
284
00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:49,998
Tell me what I had for supper last night.
285
00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:54,317
All right, that's it, man.
22 times ain't funny no more.
286
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:57,831
Is this where you wanna be when Jesus
comes back? Fartin' in Joe Dirt's face?
287
00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:00,674
I will take my chances.
288
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:06,920
Daddy?
289
00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:10,633
Why are they farting on you?
290
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:16,560
And right there, it started
to dawn on them that their dad,
291
00:18:17,120 --> 00:18:21,478
the dad they used to think was Superman,
wasn't no Superman.
292
00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:25,797
He was a loser. He was just Joe Dirt.
293
00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:39,952
Y'all leave him alone.
294
00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:44,353
Stop farting into his face, or there's more
whoop-ass where that came from.
295
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:47,035
- Missy!
- What? I have a medical condition.
296
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:48,840
Scram, girl!
297
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:50,596
I can't catch a break.
298
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:54,350
Honey, are you all right?
299
00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:56,830
Yeah, Brandy. I can take care of myself.
300
00:18:56,920 --> 00:18:58,798
I don't need you kicking
these guys' butts for me.
301
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:02,715
I know you can take care of yourself, baby.
Of course you can.
302
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:13,711
And that was it. They saw right through me.
303
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:17,354
I'm just the boy who was left at
the Grand Canyon.
304
00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:23,391
Like some empty popsicle wrapper,
you know? Like cherry or lemon-lime.
305
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:25,593
Orange is another flavor...
306
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:28,436
You see now, I never invented
something great.
307
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:32,076
I didn't do anything like that.
I didn't invent antigravity or
308
00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:37,279
Snausages, or them "Back off, Jack!"
Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
309
00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:38,754
Those are cool. I wish I did.
310
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:43,558
I just thought, if I was rich or famous,
you know, then I could make 'em proud
311
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:46,360
and then they'd love me for real.
312
00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:51,390
Joe, that's ridiculous! You love them,
they love you. Go tell them, it'll be fine.
313
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:52,916
I can't.
314
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:55,750
'Cause everything just went away,
like I knew it would.
315
00:19:56,880 --> 00:20:01,591
You know, one time, when I was growing up,
I was in one of my many foster homes
316
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:03,439
and they had a guy come speak to us,
317
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,270
and he was super smart,
he was wearing glasses and everything.
318
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,800
He said something that stuck with me,
I'll never forget it.
319
00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:13,756
He said, "Revolutions never happen in
countries where things get so bad
320
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:15,638
"that people can't take it anymore."
321
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:19,630
No. "Revolutions happen when things
just get a little bit better."
322
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:22,836
People get a taste of what
they've been missing.
323
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:24,440
And I got that.
324
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:27,476
I got my family, and now it's gone.
325
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:32,074
- Gone, what happened?
- Well, this is the part of the story
326
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:34,194
where it gets really weird.
327
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,713
There was a storm coming. Man, a big storm.
328
00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:42,430
A "mess up your hair really bad" storm.
329
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,437
Get into the basement.
330
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:47,113
Come on! Cover your eyes!
331
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:49,317
- It's all going to be okay!
- Cover your eyes!
332
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:51,830
- Come on, girls.
- Basement. Go, babe.
333
00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:53,912
Come on, babies, hurry.
334
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:58,153
- Daddy, I'm scared.
- It's just wind. I know, baby, it's just wind.
335
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:02,029
Daddy, my princess tiara.
I left it in the trailer.
336
00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:06,353
- It's okay. It'll be there tomorrow, honey.
- But it was a birthday present from Daddy.
337
00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:14,597
- I'll go get it.
- No. Don't go.
338
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:17,991
I'll get it. It's okay, baby. I'm Superman.
I'll be back.
339
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:21,039
Daddy, be careful. We love you!
340
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,473
Be careful, Joe.
341
00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:28,192
Come on. Hurry!
342
00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:34,874
Ridin' the storm out
343
00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:37,756
Waitin' for the thaw out
344
00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:42,632
Oh, dang, that
twister's getting close!
345
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,073
Yeah, this one is for real.
346
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,791
Please don't scratch my car! Ah! Ow!
347
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:52,715
Hi, Daddy.
348
00:21:55,120 --> 00:21:57,032
Girls, what happened to the storm?
349
00:21:57,160 --> 00:22:02,360
What are you talking about, loser?
Go make us some cash like Kanye.
350
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:04,040
Treat us like North.
351
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:14,400
Cow?
352
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:17,991
Watchin' the full moon crossing the range
353
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:20,800
Ridin' the storm out
354
00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:23,791
Ridin' the storm out
355
00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:31,640
Ridin' the storm out
356
00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:44,435
A little birdie told me
I'm gonna fall in love
357
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:47,080
Sock him in the jaw. He's all yours.
He's all yours.
358
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,550
Back him up, back him up.
Knock him down.
359
00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:53,913
I'm gonna whup you 'til you ain't nothin'
but loose bones and loose change...
360
00:22:58,480 --> 00:22:59,834
Oh, crap.
361
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:12,160
You see that? Y'all see what happened?
362
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:15,877
A trailer come out of the sky,
and lands on Lucky Louie.
363
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:19,553
Lucky Louie's dead.
That could have been any one of us.
364
00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:22,560
Ah!
365
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:25,152
Dang! What happened?
366
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:31,034
You done killed the most vicious leader
to ever head up the Smokin' Jokers.
367
00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:32,236
No.
368
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:35,836
You killed Lucky Louie,
with just one house.
369
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:40,560
No, no, man. I didn't kill nobody.
I was spinning in the twister
370
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:44,278
- and it was a bad storm, it threw me.
- What storm?
371
00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:49,837
Yeah, it was black clouds, now it's all
tweet-tweet. I don't know what happened.
372
00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:53,671
You killed Lucky Louie,
and now you're our new leader.
373
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:56,233
Long as you wear these,
374
00:23:57,120 --> 00:23:59,999
we go where you go,
and we ride where you ride.
375
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:04,311
Oh, man, these are nice. The ruby's a
little fruity, but I'll take them.
376
00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:07,075
Name's Foggle. What's your name, brother?
377
00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:11,151
Joe. Joe Dirt. Joe Dirtay.
378
00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:12,396
Which is it?
379
00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:15,394
- Oh, uh, Joe Dirt.
- You all hear that?
380
00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:19,516
- All hail Joe Dirt.
- All hail Joe Dirt.
381
00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:22,711
You guys ain't gonna fart on me, are you?
382
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,952
Long story short,
we stomped those 3 dudes so bad,
383
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:30,475
they got to take their boots off to piss.
384
00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:36,194
Anyway, that kinda ass-kicking fun is
an everyday thing for us
385
00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:39,751
and now you get to tell us who to kick,
and in which ass.
386
00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:41,519
Yeah!
387
00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:43,476
All right, man.
388
00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:46,394
Well, kind of like monkey see,
monkey do, I like that.
389
00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:50,794
Okay. How about this? I need a vet,
'cause these puppies are sick.
390
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:53,960
I need a vet,
'cause these puppies are sick.
391
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:57,878
Not bad, I'm a good leader.
392
00:24:58,120 --> 00:24:59,634
But I'm actually not. I'm no good.
393
00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:03,396
I know I couldn't lead a colony of ants
to a melting Hershey Bar to be honest,
394
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:04,560
believe me, I've tried.
395
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:06,673
But I do have three daughters
I want you to meet.
396
00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:09,912
I've got a pretty wife, I'll bring her
down. We'll all have fun, maybe brunch.
397
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,435
And by the way, you know,
all the kids stuff, blah blah.
398
00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:15,638
So no talking about fighting,
and drinking, and spitting,
399
00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:18,275
and punching, and kicking, you get it.
'Cause, you know,
400
00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:21,273
that kind of violent imagery for a child,
I don't want.
401
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:26,475
Besides, this is the year 2015, I don't know
about even a motorcycle "gang" fighting...
402
00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:30,600
"2015"? It's not 2015. It's 1965.
403
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:35,277
No, I'm sayin' now is 2015, June 2015.
404
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:40,436
No, it's definitely June,
but it ain't no 2015, Mr. Dirt.
405
00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:43,112
This is June 1965.
406
00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:47,276
June 1965? Well, if that's true, I'd be running
around in diapies, that's when I was born.
407
00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:49,194
I don't got no diapies on.
408
00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:52,638
But anyway, I like it here,
and I wanna meet everybody.
409
00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:54,791
And I think as a new leader,
I'm gonna name everybody.
410
00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:59,074
'Cause, you know, gangs have nicknames. I think
that's fun. I'm gonna start in the back.
411
00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:02,872
You think I'm ignoring you?
Back there, you got sort of a beak
412
00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:06,518
on your nose, like, a
little bit like a bird.
413
00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:09,798
What's a funny bird name?
"Bird" is not, that's too uninteresting.
414
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:15,070
A mean one is vulture. You're Vulture
from now on, if anyone asks you, okay?
415
00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:16,594
Let's look around the room.
416
00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:20,509
All right, here we go,
there's Mean Marvin, No Soap Sam,
417
00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:24,714
Douche Bag, Jolly Mean Giant, Church
Burner, Fruit Loop, Palm Tree,
418
00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:28,680
Crazy Eyes, Dopey, Inky, more like Stinky.
419
00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:33,871
We got Pillow Biter, Reload, No Nut,
420
00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:38,279
Momma Hates You, Gooey Load, Queefie,
421
00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:41,513
Jock Strap Jonny, okay, Tea-Bagger Vance,
422
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:42,680
Nucky Futz,
423
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:47,472
Charlie Dog, Super Dumb,
there's Going to Hell, there's Gary.
424
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:52,275
Con Artist Connie, One Eye, Two Eye,
425
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:54,512
Two Eyes is no good.
Everybody has two eyes, right?
426
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:58,793
I'm running out.
Porn Stash, Little Killer, Medium Killer,
427
00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:03,750
Flat Ass, Boogie Oogie, Cher,
Mitch the Bitch, Knee Caps, No Teeth.
428
00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:07,800
- Knock knock. Who's there? You're Ugly.
- "Ugly"?
429
00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:09,872
That whole thing is your nickname.
430
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:14,870
And you are, I forgot you, Foggle.
How about, Lead Singer of Blue Oyster Cult.
431
00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:18,630
You'll get that one. That's funny.
You seen him? You get it good.
432
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:20,996
Maybe the bass player, it's exact.
433
00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:24,960
Anyway, as your new leader,
I command ye to roll up your sleeves,
434
00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:28,471
and let's do some charity work.
Let's do some good for once, you know?
435
00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:32,760
Let's get out there and help, because that's
where we wanna be when Jesus comes back.
436
00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:35,077
Who's with me? Come on now, let's do this.
437
00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:41,074
You hear that, everybody?
438
00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:45,754
That little queer wants us to
help people in need.
439
00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:47,080
Oh, yeah?
440
00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:53,832
Is that queer, man? Is that queer?
Think this is queer?
441
00:27:54,120 --> 00:27:55,120
Yes.
442
00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:56,840
What?
443
00:27:57,160 --> 00:27:58,958
Well, next time don't make it a question.
444
00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:00,839
You're all like, "Is this queer?"
445
00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:03,595
So that just walks you right
into the answer, which is yes.
446
00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:05,673
Just make it a statement, dumbass.
447
00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:09,435
Oh, yeah? What about...
448
00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:13,074
Oh, yeah, hey, Foggle, you're strong.
449
00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:17,276
Strong smellin', yeah. Got ya, hold 'em up.
Hold 'em up.
450
00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:19,678
- Got ya good.
- It took you that long to think of that?
451
00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:23,190
Uh, to be honest, I thought of it about
a week ago, and then,
452
00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:26,071
uh, I've been waiting to use it.
453
00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:28,356
But I didn't think I would.
It's been in the chamber loaded up,
454
00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:30,033
and guess who got it? You.
455
00:28:30,120 --> 00:28:32,680
Whoo! Guess what else? I got your boots.
456
00:28:32,840 --> 00:28:35,036
You think you're gonna get 'em back?
Not quite, termite.
457
00:28:35,120 --> 00:28:37,999
- Give us those boots.
- I'm running away. Good luck catching me.
458
00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:39,395
Which way am I going?
459
00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:41,600
Get back here!
460
00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:44,960
You ain't man enough to wear those boots.
You know that, Joe Dirt.
461
00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:47,515
You ain't nothing.
You know that in your heart.
462
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:51,196
We will track you to the gates of hell.
463
00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:52,956
- Let's go.
- Yeah.
464
00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:56,240
Stupid Foggle.
465
00:28:57,280 --> 00:29:01,274
What a dumb name. He needs a cool name,
like Joe Dirtay.
466
00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:04,158
Hey, Foggle.
467
00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:06,360
Why don't you go play Boggle?
468
00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:09,633
God dang, that's so funny,
why didn't I say it?
469
00:29:10,320 --> 00:29:11,515
I think of all the good ones too late.
470
00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:15,752
Well, I got my tennis shoes,
and his stupid boots! Whoo-hoo!
471
00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:17,434
Well, I don't need these sneakers no more.
472
00:29:18,120 --> 00:29:19,998
Whoo-pee! Ha-ha!
473
00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:21,510
Fetch that, Boggle!
474
00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:24,634
Man, it usually takes me 27 times. Nice.
475
00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:29,836
Hey, how come ya threw your sneakers up
over that power line?
476
00:29:31,360 --> 00:29:34,114
- Why? You've never seen that before?
- No, silly head!
477
00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:37,240
Silly head, 1965.
478
00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:40,877
I must've traveled through some sort of
vortex and tumbled through time,
479
00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:42,320
like a time traveler.
480
00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:44,036
I don't know what's happening.
481
00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:46,790
But I'll tell ya, that
happens in the future.
482
00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:49,954
We find out carbs are bad for ya,
just a heads up.
483
00:29:50,040 --> 00:29:52,874
Hey. You really from the future?
484
00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:54,200
Yeah, man.
485
00:29:54,520 --> 00:29:57,672
Maybe you should move down to Louisiana,
help me start my fishing business!
486
00:29:58,120 --> 00:30:00,430
You and I together, man,
we could catch a lot of shrimp!
487
00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:05,557
I mean, there's rock shrimp, Atlantic shrimp,
salt shrimp, boo-boo shrimp, tater shrimp,
488
00:30:05,720 --> 00:30:09,350
shrimp on a stick, shrimp remoulade, shrimp
in your pasta, you know what, fuck shrimp!
489
00:30:09,760 --> 00:30:12,320
Okay, so, no on the shrimp biz?
490
00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:14,471
What's the situation with your hair?
491
00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:15,869
Did I call your number?
492
00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:17,550
Are we in a deli?
493
00:30:17,720 --> 00:30:20,076
We are not. And I did not. Goodbye.
494
00:30:21,120 --> 00:30:22,952
Did you call number 3 yet?
495
00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:26,591
Did I call number... No, that was a
metaphor, this ain't really a bakery, man.
496
00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:29,435
Yeah, I know.
I was just patiently waiting my turn.
497
00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:32,075
You see that?
He's patiently waiting his turn, all right?
498
00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:34,596
That's nice, instead of
yelling out nonsense.
499
00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:37,076
Yeah, one day I'm gonna dig a hole.
500
00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:39,150
Well, that's great, man.
501
00:30:39,680 --> 00:30:41,990
See, there you go.
You're gonna have a great, big hole.
502
00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:44,470
It's gonna be the biggest one,
and I'm glad you're setting goals.
503
00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:46,433
It's gonna be in my living room.
504
00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:49,876
Yeah, well, you had me,
then you lost me there.
505
00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:52,551
- Are you married?
- I am married. Now, that's a normal question.
506
00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:55,360
- I'm married to Brandy. She's sweet.
- Wait a minute.
507
00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:57,877
Is she like a great big fat person?
508
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:02,480
A great big fat person? She is not.
She's about 115, I'm guessing.
509
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:05,515
I really wish those numbers
were turned around.
510
00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:07,440
Like 511?
511
00:31:07,880 --> 00:31:09,394
Well, then she'd be a great big fat person.
512
00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:15,557
Uh, yeah, no, I like her 115. Anything over,
like, 400 I'm not super attracted to.
513
00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:17,279
I'd like to cut her skin off,
514
00:31:17,720 --> 00:31:22,749
and then sew it together, so that
I could wear it as a human tracksuit.
515
00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:24,629
Mmm.
516
00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:29,319
Maybe I'm hearing you wrong, it sounds a
little, um, not normal, what you're saying?
517
00:31:29,600 --> 00:31:30,600
My name's Bob.
518
00:31:30,880 --> 00:31:34,635
Uh, if I had any friends,
they'd call me Buffalo Bob.
519
00:31:35,640 --> 00:31:39,270
Why don't you give me a call if your wife
ever becomes a great big fat person?
520
00:31:39,480 --> 00:31:42,234
Buffalo Bob, that sounds...
521
00:31:42,800 --> 00:31:45,634
You have no idea what kind of hell
I can bring you!
522
00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:49,392
Oh, all right, enough, you broken record!
523
00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:50,834
Does what it's told!
524
00:31:50,920 --> 00:31:53,674
Say it, don't spray it, brother! Dang.
525
00:31:54,040 --> 00:31:55,040
Buffalo Bob!
526
00:31:55,480 --> 00:31:56,480
Oh, man!
527
00:31:56,880 --> 00:31:58,678
Was that all in my living room?
528
00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:00,120
'Cause that's step one.
529
00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:03,559
Uh, gotta run. There's a huge crazy party
behind that shed.
530
00:32:03,760 --> 00:32:05,672
You can go, there's three tickets left.
531
00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:10,080
What are you up to?
532
00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:14,000
"Genghis Khan."
533
00:32:15,520 --> 00:32:16,670
Genghis Khan what?
534
00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:30,879
It's a comic book store?
535
00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:35,198
Oh, if I'm back in time,
I could maybe buy...
536
00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:37,789
Looking fine as she could be
537
00:32:38,880 --> 00:32:39,880
Is that Brandy?
538
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:42,000
Brandy!
539
00:32:42,280 --> 00:32:45,512
Well, she was a-walkin down the street
540
00:32:45,600 --> 00:32:48,991
Looking fine as she could be
541
00:32:49,760 --> 00:32:51,194
Hey, hey!
542
00:32:52,240 --> 00:32:56,234
If you have love and conversation
543
00:32:56,520 --> 00:32:59,160
Whoa, yeah, what I say!
544
00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:01,880
Hey, hey!
545
00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:06,234
Like a beaut.
546
00:33:10,720 --> 00:33:12,200
You got that $5 you owe me?
547
00:33:13,560 --> 00:33:16,917
See, I was thinking, you know,
since we're both seniors now,
548
00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:21,277
maybe it's time we, uh, you know...
549
00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:24,552
Um, wait a second. I think I see Jill.
550
00:33:25,240 --> 00:33:28,392
I've gotta go talk to her.
She needs help with her homework.
551
00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:29,720
All right.
552
00:33:30,080 --> 00:33:33,039
Homework is important.
I'll be here, waiting.
553
00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:36,280
Like always.
554
00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:42,318
Wow. That was a total red light.
555
00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:45,116
She gave you nothing but brake fluid.
You're smothered in it.
556
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:46,590
So funny I forgot to laugh.
557
00:33:47,600 --> 00:33:50,320
Guess it's time to try the old
"Popcorn Surprise."
558
00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:51,960
What's a "Popcorn Surprise"?
559
00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:53,836
Listen up, here's the skinny.
560
00:33:54,840 --> 00:33:57,594
See, I put a hole through the bottom of
a large tub of popcorn.
561
00:33:57,960 --> 00:33:58,960
Does the popcorn fall out?
562
00:33:59,680 --> 00:34:01,399
I don't know, it doesn't matter, all right?
563
00:34:01,720 --> 00:34:06,670
After I cut the hole through,
I put my thingy up through the hole.
564
00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:09,429
Wait, hold on now, fella, you lost me.
What's a thingy?
565
00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:11,034
Get smart and get smart fast!
566
00:34:11,480 --> 00:34:13,153
That thing you use to go number one?
567
00:34:13,680 --> 00:34:16,593
Oh, so that's what keeps the popcorn
from falling out.
568
00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:17,680
Makes sense.
569
00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:19,194
I guess so, but that's not the point.
570
00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:23,633
All right? Anyways, after I get my thingy
stuck up through the hole,
571
00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:28,159
she reaches to grab the popcorn,
presto! Handful of thingy!
572
00:34:29,960 --> 00:34:31,599
- Oh, that's cool.
- Spread the word around.
573
00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:34,277
- It's gonna be classic.
- Yeah, all right, all right!
574
00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:35,360
Go, go, go!
575
00:34:36,960 --> 00:34:38,917
So, he finally made his move on you?
576
00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:45,236
Yeah, he's sweet, but I don't have
those kind of feelings for him.
577
00:34:45,680 --> 00:34:47,831
Oh, you need to check
your temperature, girl,
578
00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:50,310
because he's the most
dreamiest boy in school.
579
00:34:50,440 --> 00:34:54,878
Brandy, hey, whoo, sorry.
I just ran 5 miles chasing you!
580
00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:56,560
What are you doing here?
581
00:34:57,720 --> 00:34:59,552
What are you wearing? That looks funny.
582
00:35:00,240 --> 00:35:01,515
I'm sorry, do I know you?
583
00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:04,835
- Brandy!
- And my name isn't Brandy.
584
00:35:05,800 --> 00:35:06,800
I'm Ashleen.
585
00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:09,754
Well, if it's 1965 and you're Ashleen...
586
00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:13,550
Yeah, it's 1965, strange-o.
What about it, you freaky guy?
587
00:35:14,280 --> 00:35:16,670
Oh, my God, are you Brandy's mom?
588
00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:22,555
I don't know what you're sayin',
but I have always liked the name Brandy.
589
00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:24,952
I could see me namin' a daughter that.
590
00:35:25,200 --> 00:35:27,351
Yeah, you can, 'cause you...
591
00:35:28,240 --> 00:35:31,517
Why are you talkin' to our girls, and
what's the deal with your hair, you weirdo?
592
00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:33,159
Yeah, show him your muscles, fellas.
593
00:35:33,280 --> 00:35:35,112
Maybe he'll scram. And scram fast.
594
00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:37,040
Check this out.
595
00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:38,640
Do you even lift?
596
00:35:41,760 --> 00:35:45,356
Listen, I better go, because these guys are
getting a little cranky.
597
00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:49,350
All right? So listen, Ashleen,
I think I came here to the past
598
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:52,234
to fix something about myself, you know?
599
00:35:52,320 --> 00:35:55,472
So, I deserve the daughter
that you're gonna have one day.
600
00:35:57,480 --> 00:36:00,552
- I don't know what you mean.
- I don't know either.
601
00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:03,919
And by the way, do not eat
Jimmy's popcorn, okay?
602
00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:08,195
"Jimmy"? Oh, no, his name is Rory.
603
00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:09,600
Rory Yauch.
604
00:36:10,080 --> 00:36:15,109
Oh, Fudge! That's Jimmy's dad! Oh, man,
this shit just got officially weird.
605
00:36:15,200 --> 00:36:18,079
Hey, you watch your language,
buddy boy fella!
606
00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:19,829
You want a big bar of soap in your mouth?
607
00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:21,280
Hey, are you a vet?
608
00:36:21,880 --> 00:36:23,439
'Cause these puppies are sick, huh.
609
00:36:23,840 --> 00:36:27,436
Yeah, you like that one? Talk to the fist,
'cause the hand is pissed.
610
00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:30,439
Oh, those are from the future!
You just got futurized.
611
00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:33,115
You got a burn, and it came down from
the future and got you.
612
00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:36,950
You're a little dazed right now, it'll go
away. But don't fight it, just... Shh.
613
00:36:37,440 --> 00:36:39,318
Hey, he's gonna give you
the "Popcorn Surprise."
614
00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:41,394
What's a "Popcorn Surprise"?
615
00:36:41,840 --> 00:36:44,036
I'll give you a hint, it's more surprise
than popcorn, okay?
616
00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:46,271
Just promise me you don't put your hand
in that cup, all right?
617
00:36:46,920 --> 00:36:49,196
Just think of me as your guardian angel,
all right?
618
00:36:49,720 --> 00:36:51,677
Looking out for the love of my life.
619
00:36:52,680 --> 00:36:53,680
Bye!
620
00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:04,599
How are you, son?
This movie's a hoot, isn't it?
621
00:37:04,880 --> 00:37:06,951
Dad, what are you doin' here? Mom!
622
00:37:07,040 --> 00:37:08,040
I want some popcorn.
623
00:37:08,160 --> 00:37:09,435
No, no!
624
00:37:09,720 --> 00:37:11,040
Oh! Oh!
625
00:37:11,120 --> 00:37:12,440
Don't, stop!
626
00:37:12,640 --> 00:37:14,711
Oh! Oh! Oh!
627
00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:16,350
Oh, don't stop, don't stop!
628
00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:18,079
- Oh!
- I like it.
629
00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:19,160
Don't stop, don't stop!
630
00:37:19,400 --> 00:37:20,516
It won't come out!
631
00:37:20,720 --> 00:37:21,836
Oh, yeah.
632
00:37:22,120 --> 00:37:23,554
Oh, yeah.
633
00:37:24,160 --> 00:37:25,310
Oh, yeah.
634
00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:28,070
Oh, my God.
635
00:37:38,560 --> 00:37:42,793
Oh, man, old comic books in mint condition
for 10 cents apiece.
636
00:37:43,360 --> 00:37:44,360
Not bad.
637
00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:47,957
Give Joe Dirt lemons,
he gonna make goldenade.
638
00:37:49,680 --> 00:37:51,558
Nah, lemonade, he gonna make lemonade.
639
00:37:55,720 --> 00:37:57,234
This must be why I'm here.
640
00:37:58,040 --> 00:37:59,040
To get rich.
641
00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:02,712
So my girls will love me for real,
instead of the loser that I am.
642
00:38:03,920 --> 00:38:04,920
I'll buy 'em presents.
643
00:38:05,520 --> 00:38:06,520
Oh, yeah.
644
00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:09,274
This one is gonna buy Abilene braces.
645
00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:13,917
This one's gonna buy braces for Dakota.
646
00:38:14,800 --> 00:38:17,872
And this one. What can I get Cheyenne?
647
00:38:18,720 --> 00:38:19,720
I can get braces.
648
00:38:20,960 --> 00:38:26,035
And this, Brandy,
you're gonna get a new used car!
649
00:38:29,720 --> 00:38:33,714
Don't worry, little tree, that won't hurt ya.
You're gonna grow up big and strong. Ha-ha.
650
00:38:34,640 --> 00:38:38,077
Pretty nice. Take that, Home Depot.
Life's a garden, dig it!
651
00:38:41,400 --> 00:38:44,871
Well that was easy. Now that I'm rich,
I'm gonna get back to my trailer.
652
00:38:45,320 --> 00:38:46,640
'Cause that's where this
whole thing started,
653
00:38:46,760 --> 00:38:49,036
and maybe that's where
this whole thing ends.
654
00:38:52,600 --> 00:38:53,795
Oh, no, no, no.
655
00:38:54,680 --> 00:38:56,751
No, no, no. Crap.
656
00:39:04,240 --> 00:39:05,276
Well, well, well.
657
00:39:06,840 --> 00:39:07,910
If it isn't Joe Dirt.
658
00:39:08,480 --> 00:39:09,480
Hey, Foggle.
659
00:39:09,680 --> 00:39:13,833
Now see, when I ride with a man like this
guy, I got a nice thick phonebook between us.
660
00:39:13,920 --> 00:39:15,752
Like this thing right here.
661
00:39:16,920 --> 00:39:19,116
That way we're not really
touching each other.
662
00:39:20,120 --> 00:39:21,120
Right.
663
00:39:21,200 --> 00:39:24,671
Now, Joe here, if he were to
ride behind a man,
664
00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:29,911
he probably wouldn't have a phonebook
dividing him from the other man.
665
00:39:31,560 --> 00:39:35,952
No, no, no. He would say, "No,
I don't need no phonebook in between us,
666
00:39:36,040 --> 00:39:37,952
"because I'd rather be nice and cozy."
667
00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:44,876
Or if he puts something in between him
and the other man,
668
00:39:45,320 --> 00:39:48,631
he would want it to be a little
bit thinner, like a magazine.
669
00:39:50,480 --> 00:39:52,631
Or like a menu.
670
00:39:54,440 --> 00:39:57,512
- A really thin menu.
- Like a Kleenex.
671
00:40:00,560 --> 00:40:01,960
You wish you'd thought of Kleenex.
672
00:40:02,640 --> 00:40:03,640
I want those boots, Joe.
673
00:40:03,960 --> 00:40:05,360
Foggle, look what I'm doing.
674
00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:07,320
I'm takin' 'em off.
675
00:40:07,360 --> 00:40:08,840
You know you ain't man enough
to wear those boots.
676
00:40:08,920 --> 00:40:10,036
- You give 'em to me, boy.
- No.
677
00:40:10,320 --> 00:40:13,074
What if I unzipped
and rubbed 'em on my private parts?
678
00:40:14,000 --> 00:40:15,116
You wouldn't like that!
679
00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:17,078
You don't put that nowhere
near your thingy!
680
00:40:17,840 --> 00:40:18,910
Oh, that scare you?
681
00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:21,720
I'll do it. Oh, yeah, I'm crazy, I do it!
682
00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:24,398
Oh, look, here come the police!
683
00:40:24,480 --> 00:40:27,518
Too bad 'cause you're the bad guy,
I'm the good guy.
684
00:40:27,680 --> 00:40:28,680
Hey!
685
00:40:30,640 --> 00:40:31,640
Are you Joe Dirt?
686
00:40:31,680 --> 00:40:35,435
Oh, yeah, hey there, hi there,
ho there, Officer, what is crappenin'?
687
00:40:35,880 --> 00:40:36,880
Figured it was you.
688
00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:39,356
You had that weird hairdo
they said you called a "mullet."
689
00:40:39,520 --> 00:40:40,874
Oh, yeah, that's me.
690
00:40:41,840 --> 00:40:44,480
Did you buy comic books
with this here money?
691
00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:46,557
Oh, yeah, you know I did, that's right.
692
00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:49,151
Well, then, you're under arrest for using
counterfeit money.
693
00:40:49,240 --> 00:40:52,039
What, no! It ain't counterfeit,
it's future money!
694
00:40:52,400 --> 00:40:53,880
From my future pocket!
695
00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:55,719
You just tell that to
them down at the station.
696
00:40:56,080 --> 00:40:58,640
I'm under arrest so those guys
can't kill me now!
697
00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:00,839
- What guys?
- Those guys!
698
00:41:02,160 --> 00:41:03,799
See ya later, I'm innocent, sorry!
699
00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:04,996
Hey, get back here!
700
00:41:05,080 --> 00:41:06,309
I bumped your car, sorry!
701
00:41:06,600 --> 00:41:07,600
Come on, we gotta go get him.
702
00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:10,036
Pursuit on foot going west on Hartford.
703
00:41:10,520 --> 00:41:11,874
It ain't over, Joe Dirt.
704
00:41:12,760 --> 00:41:15,150
We're your personal demons from hell!
705
00:41:17,200 --> 00:41:18,200
Let's go.
706
00:41:18,400 --> 00:41:19,516
Where's my phonebook?
707
00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:26,396
So I was on the lam. They even
let the dogs out on me and everything.
708
00:41:26,560 --> 00:41:29,837
But I got away, man, I pretended to be
a scarecrow in a field.
709
00:41:30,200 --> 00:41:31,919
Them stupid cops, they never caught me.
710
00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:33,390
What about the dogs?
711
00:41:34,000 --> 00:41:36,390
Uh, the dogs, I dunno, I don't remember.
712
00:41:36,720 --> 00:41:38,279
Anyway, so there I was, on the run.
713
00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:39,910
Escape from the police.
714
00:41:40,240 --> 00:41:42,311
Police dogs have a real
good sense of smell.
715
00:41:42,640 --> 00:41:45,838
Even if you were a scarecrow,
how could the dogs not find you?
716
00:41:46,320 --> 00:41:47,959
Uh, you know, they did find me,
717
00:41:48,200 --> 00:41:50,590
but I got lucky, they just walked away.
718
00:41:50,840 --> 00:41:54,834
How did they just walk away?
I mean, they just walked away?
719
00:41:55,040 --> 00:41:57,919
They knocked me over on the pole on
the ground, and they just walked away!
720
00:41:58,040 --> 00:41:59,190
I dunno, they had dog stuff to do.
721
00:41:59,280 --> 00:42:00,509
You're focusing on the wrong part
of the story.
722
00:42:00,600 --> 00:42:02,432
I can't imagine.
Why would they just walk away?
723
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:05,592
God dang, with the dogs! Who gives a care?
724
00:42:06,120 --> 00:42:08,794
The dogs, all right, you
gotta solve the case!
725
00:42:09,280 --> 00:42:11,715
All right, they all humped me,
is that what you wanna know?
726
00:42:12,040 --> 00:42:16,034
You found it out, Nancy Drew,
you solved the case of the horny dogs.
727
00:42:17,960 --> 00:42:18,960
No, no!
728
00:42:24,200 --> 00:42:25,953
Well, glad you got a
good chuckle out of it.
729
00:42:27,120 --> 00:42:29,157
It was terrible, I was man's best friend!
730
00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:32,111
More like, man's best friend with benefits.
731
00:42:32,680 --> 00:42:34,319
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
732
00:42:34,600 --> 00:42:38,879
I don't know if you started the
"dogs like to hump people's legs" fad,
733
00:42:39,480 --> 00:42:43,315
but think about it, you started the
shoes on the line, and the mullet.
734
00:42:44,240 --> 00:42:49,474
You know, you might be like the white trash
Johnny Appleseed.
735
00:42:50,240 --> 00:42:51,754
Well, maybe.
736
00:42:52,480 --> 00:42:55,552
You know, once I extricated myself from
the dog pile,
737
00:42:55,880 --> 00:42:59,396
they were done, basically,
once they got the money shot,
738
00:42:59,720 --> 00:43:00,790
if you get my drift,
739
00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:02,156
which I hope you don't.
740
00:43:02,360 --> 00:43:04,431
- Oh, God.
- Anyway,
741
00:43:04,560 --> 00:43:06,916
so there I was, on the run.
I was runnin' through the night,
742
00:43:07,920 --> 00:43:08,920
and you can't believe what I saw.
743
00:43:11,640 --> 00:43:12,640
Ruby's.
744
00:43:13,400 --> 00:43:15,357
I like any place that
sounds like "boobies."
745
00:43:15,680 --> 00:43:16,680
Oh, man.
746
00:43:16,880 --> 00:43:18,280
Where's the crowd when you need 'em?
747
00:43:18,520 --> 00:43:20,034
I got some LOLs going.
748
00:43:41,560 --> 00:43:44,519
Oh, man, that singer looks like a young
Ronnie Van Zant.
749
00:43:49,640 --> 00:43:52,872
Wait. That's Ronnie. Bob. Gary.
750
00:43:53,560 --> 00:43:55,119
Oh, my God! This is Lynyrd Skynyrd!
751
00:43:55,720 --> 00:43:56,790
Before they were Skynyrd!
752
00:43:57,080 --> 00:43:58,400
What?
753
00:43:58,640 --> 00:43:59,710
Oh, man!
754
00:44:09,360 --> 00:44:11,955
Man, you guys are so good.
755
00:44:12,360 --> 00:44:13,589
So, you really dug our sound, huh?
756
00:44:14,920 --> 00:44:18,231
I do think you guys have potential.
757
00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:20,750
Well, cool, 'cause we're just
barely scratchin' by.
758
00:44:21,080 --> 00:44:22,080
Not makin' a dime.
759
00:44:22,120 --> 00:44:24,271
Well, I think that's all gonna change.
760
00:44:25,000 --> 00:44:28,835
But I have one criticism,
and do not take this the wrong way.
761
00:44:29,280 --> 00:44:33,877
I'm just saying, maybe tinker with the name
of the band, you know?
762
00:44:34,200 --> 00:44:35,200
You don't like "The Wildcats"?
763
00:44:36,480 --> 00:44:38,597
No, yeah, no, I don't.
764
00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:43,630
Actually, because "Wildcats" is too, like,
generic and boring, like any animal.
765
00:44:44,240 --> 00:44:45,640
It's like "meerkat," you know?
766
00:44:46,280 --> 00:44:47,714
You know Meerkat Manor? You don't, no.
767
00:44:48,120 --> 00:44:50,874
But it needs to be more distinct, I feel.
768
00:44:51,440 --> 00:44:52,440
- Distinct?
- Yeah.
769
00:44:52,480 --> 00:44:55,200
I mean, this is rock and roll.
A name means everything, man.
770
00:44:55,280 --> 00:44:56,794
All the cool bands have cool names.
771
00:44:57,200 --> 00:44:59,157
You wanna kick ass, you
want it to stand out.
772
00:44:59,600 --> 00:45:03,833
Wildcats, I just don't think it does
it, man. Do you got any other ideas?
773
00:45:04,600 --> 00:45:07,911
Yeah, I got one. What about "Wham!"?
774
00:45:08,240 --> 00:45:09,674
"Wham!"? What?
775
00:45:09,960 --> 00:45:11,440
It sounds kickass, right?
776
00:45:11,680 --> 00:45:12,796
It's like, Wham!
777
00:45:13,360 --> 00:45:15,716
It says, if you mess with us,
we'll beat you down!
778
00:45:16,280 --> 00:45:17,430
We'll blow you away!
779
00:45:17,760 --> 00:45:21,117
We don't care where, in a dark alley
or in a public toilet.
780
00:45:22,120 --> 00:45:26,797
I feel like "Wham!" is just, gut instinct,
not the way to go.
781
00:45:27,040 --> 00:45:28,156
What about "Frankie Goes To Hollywood"?
782
00:45:28,360 --> 00:45:29,360
Absolutely not.
783
00:45:29,520 --> 00:45:30,920
- What about "Cher"?
- "Cher"?
784
00:45:31,040 --> 00:45:32,394
What about "Air Supply"?
785
00:45:32,480 --> 00:45:34,153
Oh, my God, be real!
786
00:45:34,400 --> 00:45:35,754
- What about "Kajagoogoo"?
- What?
787
00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:37,000
"New Kids On The Block"?
788
00:45:37,160 --> 00:45:38,310
What, we're getting colder!
789
00:45:38,560 --> 00:45:40,279
Okay, you said
we're gonna be big, right?
790
00:45:40,640 --> 00:45:43,030
Going straight to the top.
All right, then "One Direction"!
791
00:45:43,120 --> 00:45:44,270
What is crappenin'?
792
00:45:44,360 --> 00:45:47,000
Nah, I'd do "Pet Shop Boys," though.
793
00:45:47,080 --> 00:45:50,073
What about "Spice Boys"?
That's pretty good. Yeah.
794
00:45:50,160 --> 00:45:52,834
Come on, man, we need
some contenders here, what is this crap?
795
00:45:53,200 --> 00:45:55,556
I got one. Now get ready for this, okay?
796
00:45:56,280 --> 00:45:57,316
It's a little outta left field.
797
00:45:57,840 --> 00:45:59,240
But be open-minded.
798
00:46:00,400 --> 00:46:01,400
Lynyrd Skynyrd.
799
00:46:01,680 --> 00:46:03,000
No.
800
00:46:03,880 --> 00:46:05,599
- Not that guy.
- That's like our gym coach's name.
801
00:46:05,680 --> 00:46:06,680
We don't even like that guy.
802
00:46:06,760 --> 00:46:08,991
I know legend has it it's your gym coach.
803
00:46:09,200 --> 00:46:10,200
What legend?
804
00:46:10,240 --> 00:46:11,240
Ah.
805
00:46:11,360 --> 00:46:12,360
That's a long story.
806
00:46:12,480 --> 00:46:16,759
But seriously, guys, I know he's your
coach, but you change it a little bit.
807
00:46:17,080 --> 00:46:22,235
You add a "D," you add a random "Y,"
another renegade "Y" over here,
808
00:46:22,320 --> 00:46:25,472
and then it's Lynyrd Skynyrd and
presto-change-o, people remember that!
809
00:46:26,080 --> 00:46:28,800
- No, that guy gave me lice...
- I dunno about Lynyrd Skynyrd, man.
810
00:46:28,880 --> 00:46:31,952
You remember that time he chased the other
coach around in his underwear in the gym?
811
00:46:32,040 --> 00:46:33,872
- The guy's just whacked out.
- But you're...
812
00:46:42,680 --> 00:46:44,433
Oh, my God, that's so good.
813
00:46:45,600 --> 00:46:46,600
Oh, man.
814
00:46:47,720 --> 00:46:53,557
Oh, trust me, you guys are gonna be big,
that song is so perfect, I'm telling you,
815
00:46:53,680 --> 00:46:57,993
that's like an anthem, like a Southern
toe-tapper to say the least, man.
816
00:46:58,560 --> 00:47:01,712
On the huge-ometer,
it's gonna break the needle.
817
00:47:02,360 --> 00:47:04,795
- Like a big wedding song?
- More like divorce.
818
00:47:04,960 --> 00:47:07,520
Really? Where does it go, man?
It's too slow.
819
00:47:07,760 --> 00:47:09,160
Too slow, listen to this guy!
820
00:47:10,120 --> 00:47:11,679
Oh, my God, it's gonna be nine minutes!
821
00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:13,000
Nine-minute tune?
822
00:47:13,080 --> 00:47:16,232
Yeah, I know, I mean, it could be.
It could be 9:08.
823
00:47:16,800 --> 00:47:17,800
Nine minutes, eight seconds, yeah.
824
00:47:18,400 --> 00:47:19,993
When you've got it that
good, don't rush it.
825
00:47:20,320 --> 00:47:23,518
What I would do,
I would talk at the beginning, sing sing,
826
00:47:24,000 --> 00:47:26,595
if it's about a bird, you know,
lettin' it go free.
827
00:47:26,920 --> 00:47:29,594
And then maybe just kill some time
in the middle with an instrumental.
828
00:47:29,800 --> 00:47:32,235
Like, anything. I would probably go...
829
00:47:42,480 --> 00:47:43,960
Yeah. Yeah.
830
00:47:44,560 --> 00:47:46,313
Oh, man! You got it!
831
00:47:46,600 --> 00:47:49,559
I kid you not, like I said,
you're gonna be rich and famous,
832
00:47:49,640 --> 00:47:51,597
trust the shit outta me on this one!
833
00:47:51,800 --> 00:47:57,034
Yeah? Big rock stars with a truck full of
money and girls and jammin' into the night,
834
00:47:57,120 --> 00:47:59,476
- livin' the great life?
- You know it, man! Exactly!
835
00:47:59,800 --> 00:48:02,269
Everyone's gonna look up to you,
you're gonna have tons of fans,
836
00:48:02,600 --> 00:48:05,240
your kids are gonna be proud of you,
your family's gonna have so much money.
837
00:48:05,600 --> 00:48:06,600
You could buy anything you want.
838
00:48:06,640 --> 00:48:08,518
- We could buy our own airplane.
- Yeah!
839
00:48:14,320 --> 00:48:15,320
What's the matter?
840
00:48:19,320 --> 00:48:20,595
Hey, um...
841
00:48:23,000 --> 00:48:24,434
You guys, it was nice to meet you, but...
842
00:48:26,640 --> 00:48:27,835
Uh...
843
00:48:28,200 --> 00:48:30,715
You're gonna be great, man. I gotta go.
844
00:48:41,760 --> 00:48:44,036
I was eight years old when I heard
about that plane crash.
845
00:48:46,160 --> 00:48:49,358
Just goes to show, you never really
know what's going on in people's lives.
846
00:48:49,520 --> 00:48:52,718
You know, everything could look great,
and you could wish you were them,
847
00:48:53,800 --> 00:48:57,157
- but then...
- Sounds like a lesson in there.
848
00:48:59,360 --> 00:49:00,794
Yeah, I know there's a lesson,
849
00:49:01,000 --> 00:49:04,198
and I know I was supposed to walk into that
club and meet Skynyrd that night,
850
00:49:04,720 --> 00:49:05,995
but I ain't real smart,
851
00:49:06,200 --> 00:49:08,510
and my head always feels all jingly jangly,
852
00:49:08,720 --> 00:49:12,157
which is a Southern term meaning,
gangly wangly.
853
00:49:12,360 --> 00:49:16,195
There's always noise in it, like,
if people are dropping change in there
854
00:49:16,280 --> 00:49:18,078
and not picking up the pennies.
855
00:49:18,520 --> 00:49:20,352
It makes me crazy, man.
856
00:49:20,880 --> 00:49:23,156
But then when I think I'm
startin' to figure stuff out,
857
00:49:23,240 --> 00:49:24,879
along come these assholes.
858
00:49:27,600 --> 00:49:29,239
Let's get us that Joe Dirt!
859
00:49:31,520 --> 00:49:33,159
Get back here with those boots!
860
00:49:34,880 --> 00:49:36,314
You little bitch.
861
00:49:37,320 --> 00:49:38,720
Don't you get on that train!
862
00:49:39,000 --> 00:49:40,832
Don't you get on that train!
863
00:49:44,560 --> 00:49:46,791
Ha-ha! Take that, Foggle! What a burn!
864
00:49:49,960 --> 00:49:50,960
Oh!
865
00:49:51,320 --> 00:49:52,320
Made it.
866
00:49:54,080 --> 00:49:56,800
And so there I was,
just clickety-clackin' through the night.
867
00:49:58,640 --> 00:50:03,510
I got to thinking, how does this Foggle dude
and all of them always know where I am?
868
00:50:04,000 --> 00:50:06,196
It's almost like they're livin'
inside my head, you know?
869
00:50:06,680 --> 00:50:09,036
I mean, there's definitely
a lot of empty space in there.
870
00:50:09,240 --> 00:50:12,950
But where would they put their motorcycles,
where would they go to the bathroom?
871
00:50:13,040 --> 00:50:14,040
Whatever.
872
00:50:14,280 --> 00:50:16,112
Oh, I'm sick of being alone.
873
00:50:17,680 --> 00:50:19,558
I wish Brandy was here right now.
874
00:50:22,120 --> 00:50:23,634
I can pretend she's here.
875
00:50:25,320 --> 00:50:26,674
I got a few minutes.
876
00:50:27,960 --> 00:50:29,189
Ah!
877
00:50:29,680 --> 00:50:32,639
Okay. In the bedroom.
878
00:50:33,840 --> 00:50:37,038
I come up behind. Tickle her back.
879
00:50:37,960 --> 00:50:42,113
Pull that scrunchie out.
Yeah, get the hair down.
880
00:50:44,280 --> 00:50:46,272
Pick up the pace, pick up the pace.
881
00:50:47,800 --> 00:50:49,393
Sorry, buddy.
882
00:50:49,800 --> 00:50:50,800
Had to light my cigar.
883
00:50:51,640 --> 00:50:54,030
Show was just starting. Keep goin'.
884
00:50:54,120 --> 00:50:55,270
Nah, you didn't see nothing.
885
00:50:55,440 --> 00:50:56,510
Yeah, we did.
886
00:50:56,640 --> 00:50:58,950
You over there lookin'
like a paint shaker goin' at it.
887
00:50:59,040 --> 00:51:00,190
Can we get in on that action?
888
00:51:00,480 --> 00:51:03,678
Yeah, maybe we can figure out some kinda
naked pyramid or something.
889
00:51:03,760 --> 00:51:06,229
- I like that idea.
- Come on, little doggy.
890
00:51:06,320 --> 00:51:08,312
I ain't no party boy.
891
00:51:12,000 --> 00:51:14,993
Oh, just a dream. Thank God.
892
00:51:16,000 --> 00:51:17,070
Oh, again?
893
00:51:17,760 --> 00:51:20,832
But this time, not just them.
894
00:51:21,480 --> 00:51:22,516
You get us, too.
895
00:51:22,880 --> 00:51:23,916
Oh, okay.
896
00:51:24,000 --> 00:51:25,150
You like sausages, Joe?
897
00:51:25,400 --> 00:51:28,632
I like sausage, I usually get bacon,
but I mix it up.
898
00:51:28,720 --> 00:51:30,313
I like to have fun at breakfast, you know?
899
00:51:30,560 --> 00:51:32,677
Maybe you should take
a little nibble off mine.
900
00:51:34,320 --> 00:51:35,834
No, that's not supposed to be there.
901
00:51:35,960 --> 00:51:36,960
Don't walk here!
902
00:51:37,160 --> 00:51:38,355
You guys on Viagra?
903
00:51:38,800 --> 00:51:39,800
No!
904
00:51:42,560 --> 00:51:43,560
It's me, Joe.
905
00:51:43,840 --> 00:51:46,912
Kicking Wing? Holy crap on a crutch!
906
00:51:47,480 --> 00:51:50,154
- What's up?
- I missed you.
907
00:51:50,840 --> 00:51:53,275
But they don't call me
Kicking Wing anymore,
908
00:51:53,640 --> 00:51:54,756
I'm Kicking Ass.
909
00:51:55,320 --> 00:51:58,040
- I took your advice.
- Oh, man! That's a good one.
910
00:51:58,120 --> 00:51:59,713
That's cool, I got tons of good ideas, man.
911
00:52:00,040 --> 00:52:01,997
So, where have you been,
how's the fireworks game?
912
00:52:03,240 --> 00:52:07,075
I'm not in the fireworks game, Joe.
Growth potential wasn't enough.
913
00:52:08,120 --> 00:52:09,120
I'm a drug dealer now.
914
00:52:09,520 --> 00:52:11,432
What! You don't do drugs.
915
00:52:11,720 --> 00:52:13,279
I don't get high on my supply.
916
00:52:13,640 --> 00:52:14,710
Oh, that's catchy.
917
00:52:15,040 --> 00:52:16,360
Baby, who's this clown?
918
00:52:16,920 --> 00:52:19,276
This is the legendary Joe Dirt!
919
00:52:19,880 --> 00:52:20,880
Good friend!
920
00:52:21,200 --> 00:52:22,873
So, you sell heroin and
all that kinda crap?
921
00:52:23,240 --> 00:52:25,550
No. Just aspirin and weed.
922
00:52:25,960 --> 00:52:28,395
What! I can get aspirin from a baby!
923
00:52:28,800 --> 00:52:31,076
I can get weed
in a vending machine in Denver!
924
00:52:31,360 --> 00:52:33,397
'Cause you know what, no one
gives a care about weed any more.
925
00:52:33,560 --> 00:52:34,560
Understand, rubber band?
926
00:52:35,080 --> 00:52:38,391
Well, aspirin and weed is the ones I like.
927
00:52:38,560 --> 00:52:43,191
Oh, well, that's your problem.
You're not sellin' to the mirror, my man!
928
00:52:43,680 --> 00:52:46,798
You're forgetting about the consumer!
Again.
929
00:52:46,880 --> 00:52:48,234
I'm a really good drug dealer.
930
00:52:48,400 --> 00:52:53,873
Um, Kim Possible, you're gonna stand there,
calling yourself "a really good drug dealer,"
931
00:52:53,960 --> 00:52:55,599
and you ain't got no crystal meth?
932
00:52:55,680 --> 00:52:56,680
No black tar?
933
00:52:56,760 --> 00:52:58,399
These are the basics!
934
00:52:58,760 --> 00:53:03,880
No Xanny bars? White crosses? Special K?
Moon rocks? No zip-its, pop-its, whippits?
935
00:53:04,280 --> 00:53:09,514
Black beauties or cocaine? Also known as yayo,
power flour, talk chalk, devil's dandruff
936
00:53:09,600 --> 00:53:10,875
or sniffy jiffy?
937
00:53:11,520 --> 00:53:13,352
- No.
- No shanaynay?
938
00:53:13,600 --> 00:53:14,600
No vajayjay?
939
00:53:14,840 --> 00:53:17,435
No. Just aspirins and weed.
940
00:53:17,640 --> 00:53:21,190
So, you're supposed to be taken seriously
in your chosen new profession?
941
00:53:21,400 --> 00:53:24,916
And you don't move no purple microdot?
No gold paint to huff?
942
00:53:25,320 --> 00:53:26,320
No angel dust?
943
00:53:26,400 --> 00:53:29,074
PCP? Molly? Charlie? Charlie Car? Crank?
944
00:53:29,160 --> 00:53:31,914
Ice? Crack? Boom? Pow?
Shnizzle? Zoomers?
945
00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:33,116
Boomers? Husker Dus?
946
00:53:34,120 --> 00:53:35,873
Oh, wait, I think that's
a firecracker, isn't it?
947
00:53:36,280 --> 00:53:37,280
No, it's both.
948
00:53:37,440 --> 00:53:42,560
Uh, no yellow jackets, morning wood, or
one single bottle of codeine cough syrup?
949
00:53:43,120 --> 00:53:44,793
With or without the Jolly Rancher.
950
00:53:45,040 --> 00:53:46,599
You must get high all the time.
951
00:53:46,960 --> 00:53:47,960
You seem psycho.
952
00:53:48,000 --> 00:53:49,559
Uh, wait, was this a dream?
953
00:53:49,800 --> 00:53:50,950
Yeah, this is gonna be a dream.
954
00:53:51,360 --> 00:53:53,636
Oh, then I can say somethin' mean back.
All right, say it again.
955
00:53:54,040 --> 00:53:55,759
You must get high all the time.
You seem psycho.
956
00:53:56,280 --> 00:53:58,351
Oh, you must bone a lot of dudes.
You seem like a whore.
957
00:54:04,120 --> 00:54:06,351
- I do.
- Oh, backfire!
958
00:54:07,000 --> 00:54:09,231
I'm so glad this is a dream
and you ain't a drug dealer!
959
00:54:09,600 --> 00:54:11,193
You're right, Joe, it is a dream.
960
00:54:11,280 --> 00:54:13,840
Come on, Kicking Ass, kick him
off the train, I wanna get high.
961
00:54:14,360 --> 00:54:15,874
Don't you understand, Joe?
962
00:54:15,960 --> 00:54:19,636
This whole dream represents you trying
to become something you shouldn't be.
963
00:54:21,960 --> 00:54:23,189
Think about that, Joe.
964
00:54:25,240 --> 00:54:28,551
Oh, man, it was great to see
Kicking Wing, but not as a drug dealer.
965
00:54:29,320 --> 00:54:32,836
And that's when it hit me.
What... What he was trying to tell me!
966
00:54:33,400 --> 00:54:36,438
What he wanted me to figure out was...
Then I got sleepy.
967
00:54:38,440 --> 00:54:39,999
Yo! Molly Mulletson.
968
00:54:41,480 --> 00:54:43,870
It's me, the clumsy segue fairy.
969
00:54:44,680 --> 00:54:45,680
You're dreamin'.
970
00:54:45,760 --> 00:54:49,037
We're inside a dream
that's inside a daydream
971
00:54:49,520 --> 00:54:52,877
that's being influenced by
a vague sense of ennui.
972
00:54:53,040 --> 00:54:56,112
And this is Joe Dirt 2,
and why have we overwritten this?
973
00:54:56,280 --> 00:54:59,910
Now go back to sleep, you're gonna wake up
in the middle of nowhere.
974
00:55:00,200 --> 00:55:01,200
REM.
975
00:55:01,880 --> 00:55:03,951
Them dreams is trying
to tell me somethin'.
976
00:55:04,040 --> 00:55:05,315
Especially Kicking Wing!
977
00:55:05,680 --> 00:55:07,717
I don't even know what
Zander Kelly was doin' in there.
978
00:55:07,920 --> 00:55:10,674
And I have no idea what
"on we" means either.
979
00:55:11,240 --> 00:55:13,880
All in all, I was startin' to feel like
Alice in Wonderland.
980
00:55:14,120 --> 00:55:15,873
You know, if Alice was a cool dude
981
00:55:16,040 --> 00:55:19,636
and Wonderland was a place where
everyone benches a lot.
982
00:55:20,320 --> 00:55:21,320
You're cool, and...
983
00:55:22,160 --> 00:55:25,232
Yeah, that's a bad comparison,
but things was definitely getting weirder.
984
00:55:27,640 --> 00:55:29,438
Hey, guys, what's crappenin'?
985
00:55:30,080 --> 00:55:31,878
What's your name?
986
00:55:31,960 --> 00:55:36,591
Well, listen, it's a bit unusual
and I've heard all the jokes
987
00:55:36,880 --> 00:55:39,315
and I've heard them about my hair,
so you might as well skip it.
988
00:55:39,440 --> 00:55:40,440
It's Joe Dirt.
989
00:55:40,880 --> 00:55:43,918
Dirt? That's a pretty shitty name,
don't you think?
990
00:55:44,000 --> 00:55:45,150
Yeah, I guess we're not going to skip it.
991
00:55:45,240 --> 00:55:49,439
Yeah, listen, it could've been Connor or
Willow or Aiden or Jaden
992
00:55:49,560 --> 00:55:51,074
or maybe Colby or Tristan...
993
00:55:51,440 --> 00:55:52,440
How's your health?
994
00:55:53,040 --> 00:55:54,759
That's a bit personal.
995
00:55:55,320 --> 00:55:58,791
Well, my health is good, I feel like
it might get worse in a few minutes...
996
00:55:59,360 --> 00:56:00,360
You ain't a smoker, huh?
997
00:56:01,240 --> 00:56:03,118
No, but I do dip Skoal.
998
00:56:03,280 --> 00:56:04,953
Just a pinch between my cheek and gum.
999
00:56:05,240 --> 00:56:07,550
I've tried Cope, you know, between us.
1000
00:56:08,080 --> 00:56:10,515
But it's a little strong. I get dizzy.
1001
00:56:10,800 --> 00:56:13,395
I like to call it the poor man's
amusement ride.
1002
00:56:13,920 --> 00:56:15,354
You're about to go on a big ride.
1003
00:56:37,520 --> 00:56:39,432
Bright light!
1004
00:56:42,360 --> 00:56:43,360
Ah!
1005
00:56:44,440 --> 00:56:46,033
Sore to the touch!
1006
00:56:47,480 --> 00:56:50,314
Oh, somebody's getting
a bad stitchin' award.
1007
00:56:50,880 --> 00:56:51,880
What did they do?
1008
00:56:56,040 --> 00:56:59,033
Seashell? Oh, I'm at the beach!
1009
00:57:00,200 --> 00:57:02,795
Oh, sandcastle time!
1010
00:57:04,280 --> 00:57:07,512
- So they harvested me.
- What?
1011
00:57:08,360 --> 00:57:09,360
Yeah.
1012
00:57:09,640 --> 00:57:13,190
- Harvested you?
- Yeah, they dug deep. They got my kidney,
1013
00:57:14,000 --> 00:57:15,992
they got my gallbladder,
they got some liver parts.
1014
00:57:16,120 --> 00:57:18,191
I guess they were making some cat food or
something, I dunno.
1015
00:57:18,480 --> 00:57:21,359
Oh, I thought that was just, like,
an urban legend.
1016
00:57:21,680 --> 00:57:23,160
- How creepy.
- Yeah. Yeah.
1017
00:57:23,280 --> 00:57:25,112
You know, maybe I started that.
1018
00:57:25,680 --> 00:57:29,833
After the surgery, they left all kinds
of crap inside me, like, you know.
1019
00:57:30,160 --> 00:57:31,958
- On accident, I'm guessin'.
- What?
1020
00:57:32,360 --> 00:57:37,754
They left scissors inside me,
they left a hamburger wrapper,
1021
00:57:38,680 --> 00:57:42,151
39 cents in change, and some of those
plastic pluggy things
1022
00:57:42,240 --> 00:57:44,232
that you stick in a corn
cob to hold it better?
1023
00:57:44,840 --> 00:57:47,992
Also one of them cans that says moo
when you turn it upside down?
1024
00:57:48,560 --> 00:57:50,313
- No.
- You say, no?
1025
00:57:50,880 --> 00:57:51,880
Hang on.
1026
00:57:53,680 --> 00:57:55,239
There we go.
1027
00:57:58,040 --> 00:57:59,040
It's nice to see you laughin'.
1028
00:57:59,320 --> 00:58:02,916
My little girls would laugh so hard
at that. They'd think it's so funny.
1029
00:58:04,680 --> 00:58:05,680
I wish I could hear that.
1030
00:58:06,240 --> 00:58:09,711
- So, where was this beach?
- Uh, actually, it was a desert island.
1031
00:58:10,240 --> 00:58:11,594
I was there a long time.
1032
00:58:12,520 --> 00:58:16,036
About 12 years.
1033
00:58:20,280 --> 00:58:23,671
"Dear Whoever Finds This
Message in a Bottle, I'm trapped
1034
00:58:23,760 --> 00:58:27,231
"on a desert island, and I'm losing
hope of ever being found, man.
1035
00:58:28,160 --> 00:58:33,076
"Uh, I probably just wasted time writing the
word 'man, ' it wasn't a necessary word
1036
00:58:33,160 --> 00:58:35,356
"and I don't have much ink, so that's dumb.
1037
00:58:43,800 --> 00:58:45,314
"I'm using my own blood.
1038
00:58:45,840 --> 00:58:48,799
"I'm crossing off 'man.
' Sorry for the mess.
1039
00:58:48,920 --> 00:58:51,754
"As I gaze out to sea at
the rocks that look like
1040
00:58:51,880 --> 00:58:54,236
"a giant church steeple,
it makes me think of
1041
00:58:54,320 --> 00:58:56,630
"the day I married the
love of my life, Brandy.
1042
00:58:57,840 --> 00:59:02,676
"I miss her. I miss my girls.
I'm lonely out my ass.
1043
00:59:03,120 --> 00:59:05,840
"I hope somebody gets this and replies.
1044
00:59:05,920 --> 00:59:09,800
"PS, No smokers. Ha-ha. I'm just kidding.
1045
00:59:10,120 --> 00:59:13,636
"Signed, Joe Dirtay.
1046
00:59:19,840 --> 00:59:24,471
"PPS, AKA Joe Dirt. I ain't foolin' nobody
with the Dirtay thing. I'll give up on it."
1047
01:00:02,040 --> 01:00:04,760
Gonna take a freight train
1048
01:00:04,840 --> 01:00:07,833
Down at the station, Lord
1049
01:00:07,920 --> 01:00:10,833
I don't care where it goes
1050
01:00:13,720 --> 01:00:16,440
Gonna climb a mountain
1051
01:00:16,520 --> 01:00:18,512
The highest mountain
1052
01:00:19,360 --> 01:00:22,432
And gonna jump off,
nobody gonna know
1053
01:00:24,160 --> 01:00:26,038
Can't you see
1054
01:00:27,120 --> 01:00:29,032
Oh, can't you see
1055
01:00:29,720 --> 01:00:31,916
What that woman, Lord
1056
01:00:32,480 --> 01:00:34,517
She been doin' to me
1057
01:00:35,600 --> 01:00:37,557
Can't you see
1058
01:00:38,400 --> 01:00:39,754
Can't you see
1059
01:00:39,920 --> 01:00:41,752
Tastes like jellyfish.
1060
01:00:44,520 --> 01:00:46,637
Oh, yeah. You like that, Wilson?
1061
01:00:46,720 --> 01:00:49,394
You're not getting away! Yeah, take that!
1062
01:00:49,600 --> 01:00:52,752
Okay, this one goes out to all
the angel fish out there.
1063
01:00:52,840 --> 01:00:55,400
You know who you are. Let them
in the front. Come on now.
1064
01:00:55,560 --> 01:00:57,517
I ain't never comin' back
1065
01:01:00,400 --> 01:01:01,834
Ride me a south-bound
1066
01:01:03,040 --> 01:01:04,315
You like that, shell?
1067
01:01:04,400 --> 01:01:07,154
Hey, which way out? I need an exit sign.
1068
01:01:07,880 --> 01:01:08,880
Oh, there you are.
1069
01:01:09,800 --> 01:01:12,395
Sorry for the delay, folks. I took a crap.
1070
01:01:14,240 --> 01:01:17,517
I buried it. I put some sand on it.
It's not totally gone, but...
1071
01:01:18,880 --> 01:01:20,792
Nobody go looking for it.
I didn't think you would.
1072
01:01:22,320 --> 01:01:23,834
Can't you see
1073
01:01:25,160 --> 01:01:26,753
Can't you see
1074
01:01:28,120 --> 01:01:29,679
What that woman
1075
01:01:30,240 --> 01:01:31,240
Whoo!
1076
01:01:31,360 --> 01:01:33,272
She been doin' to me
1077
01:01:40,840 --> 01:01:41,876
Whoo-hoo!
1078
01:01:41,960 --> 01:01:43,599
I hope this is mine.
1079
01:01:49,400 --> 01:01:53,030
"Dear Joe Dirt,
you sound so lonely and lost.
1080
01:01:53,120 --> 01:01:56,158
"And as I gaze out of my
Marriott Hotel window,
1081
01:01:56,240 --> 01:01:59,836
"I can see the same church-steeple rocks
you mention in your letter.
1082
01:01:59,920 --> 01:02:02,389
"Anyway, what hotel are you staying in?
1083
01:02:02,480 --> 01:02:05,314
"I'm in room 347. Write me back or call."
1084
01:02:05,880 --> 01:02:07,280
Marriott?
1085
01:02:08,600 --> 01:02:10,159
What the fuck!
1086
01:02:26,160 --> 01:02:31,440
12 years I missed going to effing,
freaking, fucking Taco Bell?
1087
01:02:32,720 --> 01:02:34,518
- Hey, mister.
- Huh?
1088
01:02:35,000 --> 01:02:36,229
Are you bigfoot?
1089
01:02:36,320 --> 01:02:38,960
What? No, man. No, I'm not bigfoot.
1090
01:02:39,320 --> 01:02:40,356
I'm tired-foot.
1091
01:02:40,720 --> 01:02:44,600
Hey, bigfoot, why did you climb all those
rocks over there instead of using this trail?
1092
01:02:45,840 --> 01:02:48,594
- What year is it?
- It's 1977, bigfoot.
1093
01:02:48,680 --> 01:02:50,911
Oh, man, what city am I in?
1094
01:02:51,200 --> 01:02:52,236
It's Miami, bigfoot.
1095
01:02:52,680 --> 01:02:53,680
Oh, man.
1096
01:02:54,200 --> 01:02:56,317
I need to go down just to wipe.
1097
01:02:56,400 --> 01:02:59,791
It's rough down there. I've been wiping
with seaweed and clamshells for 12 years.
1098
01:02:59,920 --> 01:03:01,320
- Ew!
- Gross, bigfoot.
1099
01:03:01,520 --> 01:03:03,716
- Bye, bigfoot.
- Oh, you gotta get going? Okay.
1100
01:03:03,840 --> 01:03:05,593
Yeah, see ya later, bigfoot.
1101
01:03:05,760 --> 01:03:07,638
Okay. I'll catch ya later.
1102
01:03:07,800 --> 01:03:09,792
Maybe I'll write it in a bottle
and throw it to ya.
1103
01:03:09,880 --> 01:03:11,837
I'm kidding. Wait, is this the way down?
1104
01:03:16,880 --> 01:03:18,280
Whoo-hoo!
1105
01:03:19,040 --> 01:03:21,999
27 cents for all-new JD threads.
1106
01:03:22,080 --> 01:03:25,278
Whoo! Now I just gotta get
the bugs out of my hair.
1107
01:03:27,280 --> 01:03:28,350
Oh.
1108
01:03:32,400 --> 01:03:35,074
Skynyrd, man. Those poor guys.
1109
01:03:35,560 --> 01:03:39,110
I'm complaining about my stupid problems,
and these guys...
1110
01:03:39,200 --> 01:03:42,398
Screw them, man! I was on an island for
10 years. I'm in Florida!
1111
01:03:42,720 --> 01:03:46,236
What a dumb crap! I just get stupider!
1112
01:03:47,840 --> 01:03:50,753
Wait a second. Is that dude, Clem?
1113
01:03:51,040 --> 01:03:52,315
Wait, that's Clem!
1114
01:03:52,720 --> 01:03:53,720
Hey, Clem!
1115
01:03:54,920 --> 01:03:55,920
I'm sorry, excuse me.
1116
01:03:58,320 --> 01:03:59,595
Hey, hey, Clem.
1117
01:03:59,760 --> 01:04:02,229
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank.
1118
01:04:02,320 --> 01:04:03,356
Clem, hey.
1119
01:04:03,920 --> 01:04:08,153
Mr. Bennedetti, I'm sorry. My name's Joe Dirt,
I'm from the future. I know it sounds crazy.
1120
01:04:08,960 --> 01:04:10,474
I heard about the future.
1121
01:04:10,800 --> 01:04:14,999
Everybody's got a big head, right?
Enlarged. Eat pills to live.
1122
01:04:15,840 --> 01:04:17,115
You fly around with a jetpack.
1123
01:04:17,920 --> 01:04:22,551
Uh, not quite yet.
I mean, we have a Bedazzler.
1124
01:04:23,120 --> 01:04:26,796
Jetpacks are not at the Walmart
just as of now.
1125
01:04:27,120 --> 01:04:28,634
But we have the Cronut.
1126
01:04:28,840 --> 01:04:33,312
It's really doing well. I ate 30 once. I was
drunk. It was like 28, but I brag and say 30.
1127
01:04:33,800 --> 01:04:37,589
But here's the real thing, in the future, I
just want to tell you, it sounds crazy, I know,
1128
01:04:37,720 --> 01:04:38,720
but we're friends.
1129
01:04:38,960 --> 01:04:40,235
You're like a dad to me.
1130
01:04:40,320 --> 01:04:44,280
I mean, we hang out and you live
in Silvertown. You save me from bullies.
1131
01:04:44,720 --> 01:04:47,713
Vinny, whack this kid.
He's talking nonsense.
1132
01:04:48,200 --> 01:04:52,752
Then dump his body in a trunk, then dump
his crazy hair in a different trunk.
1133
01:04:53,200 --> 01:04:55,431
- You got it, Uncle Frank.
- No, no, Mr. Vinny, wait one sec...
1134
01:04:55,760 --> 01:04:57,479
I'm telling you I'm from the future.
I'll prove it.
1135
01:04:57,920 --> 01:04:58,920
Oh, there's a TV.
1136
01:04:59,320 --> 01:05:00,549
What's that, NASCAR?
1137
01:05:00,640 --> 01:05:01,640
I know NASCAR.
1138
01:05:01,960 --> 01:05:06,000
That's Daytona 500, I bet.
I can tell you who wins. Is that good?
1139
01:05:06,760 --> 01:05:09,798
If this was true,
you would become very important.
1140
01:05:10,200 --> 01:05:13,034
You've got 5 seconds.
I start counting on 3.
1141
01:05:13,200 --> 01:05:15,635
What? Wait, what happened to 1 and 2?
1142
01:05:15,760 --> 01:05:17,319
I had them whacked. 4.
1143
01:05:17,400 --> 01:05:19,119
Wait. God... Okay, hold on.
1144
01:05:20,000 --> 01:05:24,358
Daytona Speedway, 1977.
That's, oh, my God, Richard Petty, I think.
1145
01:05:24,480 --> 01:05:25,480
STP car.
1146
01:05:25,520 --> 01:05:29,639
Then you got Darrel Waltrip in Gatorade.
AJ Foyt is third.
1147
01:05:29,720 --> 01:05:32,952
- Then Donnie Allison, and who's 5th?
- 5.
1148
01:05:33,120 --> 01:05:36,477
Cale Yarborough! Go! Yeah! Yeah!
1149
01:05:36,640 --> 01:05:37,640
Yeah!
1150
01:05:37,720 --> 01:05:39,279
He-he. Ho-ho.
1151
01:05:39,840 --> 01:05:43,516
Guys, we just found a goose
that lays the golden eggs.
1152
01:05:44,040 --> 01:05:46,509
- Oh, I laid 'em.
- This goose's name is, what?
1153
01:05:46,680 --> 01:05:48,990
- I'm Joe Dirt!
- Joe Dirt.
1154
01:05:49,880 --> 01:05:50,880
Joe Dirt.
1155
01:05:51,080 --> 01:05:52,673
Yeah, okay.
1156
01:05:54,360 --> 01:05:55,360
It's all right.
1157
01:06:09,240 --> 01:06:11,038
This was all paying off.
1158
01:06:12,800 --> 01:06:14,553
We was getting richer.
1159
01:06:16,120 --> 01:06:17,713
I was getting richer.
1160
01:06:17,800 --> 01:06:20,269
Travel my girl around the world
1161
01:06:20,360 --> 01:06:23,114
Traveling down the highway
1162
01:06:23,200 --> 01:06:25,874
Travel my girl around the world
1163
01:06:26,000 --> 01:06:28,231
Traveling down the highway
1164
01:06:31,040 --> 01:06:34,238
Look, I did a perfect cartwheel.
Dad, I bet you can't do that.
1165
01:06:34,320 --> 01:06:37,074
Daddy...
But I was missing my family.
1166
01:06:37,880 --> 01:06:39,872
Really missing them, something awful.
1167
01:06:40,040 --> 01:06:41,633
...a perfect cartwheel.
Dad, have you ever...
1168
01:06:41,760 --> 01:06:44,355
It sounds crazy,
but I recorded a bunch of actresses
1169
01:06:44,440 --> 01:06:47,353
doing a little jibber-jabber,
to remind me of home.
1170
01:06:47,480 --> 01:06:49,995
I can do somersaults.
Hey, Joe Dirt, watch my cartwheel.
1171
01:06:50,080 --> 01:06:53,152
Wait, no, not Joe Dirt.
Daddy, watch my cartwheel!
1172
01:06:53,240 --> 01:06:55,994
Dad, look, I can do a back
handspring! Can you do a flip, too?
1173
01:06:57,440 --> 01:06:58,440
So anyways, that's the whole story.
1174
01:06:59,280 --> 01:07:03,115
I know you believe me, 'cause all those
races I predicted and stuff came true.
1175
01:07:03,480 --> 01:07:06,757
Anyway, Clem. I know the future,
and I know something about you,
1176
01:07:06,880 --> 01:07:08,599
and I know something about your wife.
1177
01:07:09,240 --> 01:07:12,278
We must not know.
We're not supposed to know
1178
01:07:12,360 --> 01:07:14,556
the future that is laid out for us.
1179
01:07:14,880 --> 01:07:18,271
Because choices must remain for us to make.
1180
01:07:18,720 --> 01:07:20,040
That's how it must be.
1181
01:07:20,120 --> 01:07:22,954
What, are you saying that if you could
learn what's gonna happen in the future,
1182
01:07:23,040 --> 01:07:24,190
you don't even want to know?
1183
01:07:24,640 --> 01:07:27,474
Each day must remain without horizon.
1184
01:07:28,480 --> 01:07:30,119
We save it for the now.
1185
01:07:30,800 --> 01:07:35,716
Okay, yeah. I know what you're saying.
That you never know how hot it is
1186
01:07:35,800 --> 01:07:37,871
until you lose your shade tree.
1187
01:07:37,960 --> 01:07:41,192
No. I speak with more elegance than that.
1188
01:07:41,440 --> 01:07:46,151
I'm not talking trifles from a calendar or
a bumper sticker or a poster of that cat.
1189
01:07:46,280 --> 01:07:47,600
- You've seen it. It's everywhere.
- Mmm.
1190
01:07:47,680 --> 01:07:52,357
A cat hangs upside down from a tree.
Underneath the cat it says, "Hang in there."
1191
01:07:52,720 --> 01:07:54,279
- Right.
- This is nonsense.
1192
01:07:54,360 --> 01:07:57,797
The cat must not just hang there.
The cat must go fix its problems.
1193
01:07:57,880 --> 01:08:01,157
The cat must find the thing
that gives it trouble
1194
01:08:01,520 --> 01:08:04,274
and smack that thing
in the side of the head with a brick.
1195
01:08:05,120 --> 01:08:08,352
The cat must ask, "Does your mother sew?
1196
01:08:08,520 --> 01:08:10,079
"Huh? Ka-boom-baf!
1197
01:08:10,880 --> 01:08:12,439
"Get her to stitch that."
1198
01:08:12,840 --> 01:08:16,038
- You see what I'm saying?
- Yeah, cats are hard to train. I know.
1199
01:08:16,920 --> 01:08:21,073
But, Clem, I mean, Mr. Bennedetti...
1200
01:08:21,320 --> 01:08:24,552
You've convinced me that we are
friends in the future. Call me Clem.
1201
01:08:24,640 --> 01:08:25,835
Oh, man.
1202
01:08:26,360 --> 01:08:30,036
I love it. Well, Clem, you just turned
my life around, man. You made me rich.
1203
01:08:30,120 --> 01:08:31,120
Me, too!
1204
01:08:33,600 --> 01:08:36,832
- Yeah.
- This is like a crazy accident, I saw you.
1205
01:08:36,920 --> 01:08:39,355
Because now I'm gonna be able to
buy my kids so much stuff.
1206
01:08:39,440 --> 01:08:41,079
I'm gonna be so important to them now.
1207
01:08:41,240 --> 01:08:45,234
Joe, I think, you've not learned all
the things you need to know from me,
1208
01:08:46,000 --> 01:08:49,118
but, for now, there's something more
important that bothers me.
1209
01:08:49,200 --> 01:08:50,200
Concerns me.
1210
01:08:50,760 --> 01:08:52,638
- This girl you talk about, this Brandy?
- Yeah.
1211
01:08:52,720 --> 01:08:54,677
Something nags me in the back of my head.
1212
01:08:55,440 --> 01:08:58,000
What if you miss
1213
01:08:58,720 --> 01:08:59,790
the first time you meet her?
1214
01:09:00,720 --> 01:09:01,720
Everything's gonna be off.
1215
01:09:02,480 --> 01:09:04,392
The future's gonna be bat-shit crazy.
1216
01:09:04,880 --> 01:09:05,880
Oh.
1217
01:09:07,000 --> 01:09:09,834
That's so true. That's so smart.
I didn't think of that.
1218
01:09:10,840 --> 01:09:13,560
Clem, I need to make it back to where
I first met Brandy.
1219
01:09:14,080 --> 01:09:15,355
To make everything happen.
1220
01:09:15,720 --> 01:09:18,918
That's when her dog's balls
got stuck on her porch.
1221
01:09:19,560 --> 01:09:23,998
He was licking his balls,
and it was 40 below zero outside.
1222
01:09:24,240 --> 01:09:25,754
- What do you expect?
- Yeah.
1223
01:09:26,080 --> 01:09:28,470
Joe, let's have one for the road.
1224
01:09:30,360 --> 01:09:34,070
I don't even know if I should have a drink
because I got my liver taken out.
1225
01:09:34,440 --> 01:09:37,478
- Who gives a shit, huh? Okay.
- Yeah. Okay. Let's do it.
1226
01:09:37,640 --> 01:09:39,552
No kidney, no problem.
1227
01:09:39,680 --> 01:09:41,797
That's right. Let's do it.
1228
01:09:48,600 --> 01:09:49,670
Oof!
1229
01:09:49,760 --> 01:09:50,760
Yeah.
1230
01:09:54,320 --> 01:09:55,754
Daddy, where are you?
1231
01:10:00,400 --> 01:10:01,629
Oh, man.
1232
01:10:02,440 --> 01:10:03,920
Oh, you're awake.
1233
01:10:04,200 --> 01:10:06,760
- Not feeling good, I bet, huh?
- No.
1234
01:10:06,840 --> 01:10:10,880
I think I was drunk. 'Cause, you know,
I had some of my innards harvested.
1235
01:10:11,280 --> 01:10:14,273
Yeah. That would explain the empty spots
on the X-ray.
1236
01:10:14,560 --> 01:10:16,279
But drunk is an understatement.
1237
01:10:16,360 --> 01:10:19,432
They found you running naked with
a Roman candle sticking out of your ass.
1238
01:10:19,960 --> 01:10:21,474
You tried to eat a bunch of pigeons,
1239
01:10:21,560 --> 01:10:23,916
then you climbed onstage at
a Donnie Osmond concert,
1240
01:10:24,040 --> 01:10:26,509
screaming, "What did y'all
do with Van Halen?"
1241
01:10:26,640 --> 01:10:31,476
And then this huge guy punched you
incredibly hard directly in your testicles.
1242
01:10:32,320 --> 01:10:33,834
Check this out.
1243
01:10:34,920 --> 01:10:35,956
Oh, you're gonna love this.
1244
01:10:38,680 --> 01:10:40,034
Ah! That's me!
1245
01:10:40,160 --> 01:10:44,074
Your balls are basically like, "Hey, man, let's
go see what his throat is talking about!"
1246
01:10:44,160 --> 01:10:45,160
Oh!
1247
01:10:45,200 --> 01:10:47,669
There was a tour bus that was driving by.
There was a bunch of Japanese,
1248
01:10:47,760 --> 01:10:50,355
and you know how those people
are with their cameras.
1249
01:10:51,360 --> 01:10:52,589
My wife is Asian!
1250
01:10:52,680 --> 01:10:55,878
What's up with the jokes? Like, what are
you, some grand wizard or something?
1251
01:10:56,360 --> 01:10:58,795
- No, man, I didn't say nothing.
- You nodded.
1252
01:10:59,000 --> 01:11:01,071
You nodded like a motherfucker.
1253
01:11:01,160 --> 01:11:06,792
Anyway, the punch was so masterful
that your testicles are up way inside you
1254
01:11:07,000 --> 01:11:09,834
and they would have gone a lot higher
had they not bounced off your heart.
1255
01:11:10,080 --> 01:11:12,640
Oh, wait, my ball sack's where?
1256
01:11:12,720 --> 01:11:13,949
Your balls are in your stomach
1257
01:11:14,080 --> 01:11:17,391
and your sacks are literally
being digested as we speak.
1258
01:11:18,120 --> 01:11:22,000
And that's not fantastic, so what we're
gonna have to do is yank them out.
1259
01:11:22,080 --> 01:11:25,152
- You mean, gently extract?
- Yes.
1260
01:11:25,520 --> 01:11:27,352
By extract we mean yank.
1261
01:11:27,520 --> 01:11:32,834
And so, we have these things that look like
salad tongs. Actually they are salad tongs
1262
01:11:32,920 --> 01:11:34,559
from the Sizzler salad bar.
1263
01:11:34,800 --> 01:11:37,679
You know, there's always some good pussy
at Sizzler.
1264
01:11:38,120 --> 01:11:42,239
Sizzler, yeah. I'm usually buried in
cornbread. I don't look up.
1265
01:11:42,360 --> 01:11:46,593
I usually say this may hurt a bit,
but this is definitely gonna hurt.
1266
01:11:46,880 --> 01:11:49,475
All right, are you ready? Let's breathe.
1267
01:11:49,840 --> 01:11:50,840
Whoa, is there a parakeet!
1268
01:11:51,080 --> 01:11:53,037
Huh? In here?
1269
01:11:55,240 --> 01:11:58,392
Damn, man, why are you yelling?
Why did you yell in my ear?
1270
01:11:58,720 --> 01:12:00,632
Well it hurt, like a mofo!
1271
01:12:00,920 --> 01:12:02,400
Yeah, but what about my ear?
1272
01:12:02,480 --> 01:12:05,314
You could've turned your face that way.
You could've screamed at that wall.
1273
01:12:05,480 --> 01:12:08,075
But you wanted to yell in my... Ew! Whoa!
1274
01:12:08,360 --> 01:12:09,360
- Whoa, what?
- Whoa.
1275
01:12:09,720 --> 01:12:10,720
Whoa, good news?
1276
01:12:11,720 --> 01:12:15,634
Uh, you can say that I definitely
extracted your balls.
1277
01:12:16,240 --> 01:12:18,800
A lot of credit goes to
the workout regimen I've been on.
1278
01:12:20,160 --> 01:12:22,391
They're hanging a little low, man.
1279
01:12:22,480 --> 01:12:23,914
They do hang, but how low?
1280
01:12:24,120 --> 01:12:25,120
Remember Clackers?
1281
01:12:25,200 --> 01:12:28,591
Oh, Clackers, that's my balls.
Oh, that's too far.
1282
01:12:28,680 --> 01:12:30,831
Don't worry, balls have a great
healing mechanism.
1283
01:12:30,920 --> 01:12:31,920
You'll be back May, June.
1284
01:12:32,480 --> 01:12:36,793
Wait, May or June?
I've got to go to Silvertown by tomorrow!
1285
01:12:37,080 --> 01:12:39,549
Uh, you shouldn't do that.
You shouldn't travel.
1286
01:12:39,640 --> 01:12:42,519
See, your balls look like tube socks
with lemons in them.
1287
01:12:42,920 --> 01:12:46,231
And that's usually the side effect from
the yankotomy I performed.
1288
01:12:46,600 --> 01:12:49,832
Oh, but if I don't go to Silvertown,
I don't meet Brandy,
1289
01:12:50,040 --> 01:12:53,078
and my whole future is thrown off.
Do you understand? I gotta go!
1290
01:12:53,680 --> 01:12:54,680
Okay.
1291
01:13:09,520 --> 01:13:11,034
Good evening, folks,
1292
01:13:11,120 --> 01:13:15,239
we'll be starting our descent into Spokane,
Washington, in a few minutes.
1293
01:13:15,320 --> 01:13:20,634
So, if anyone needs to use the restroom,
please do so now.
1294
01:13:21,440 --> 01:13:24,399
Good idea. I'm gonna take a pee real quick.
1295
01:13:24,560 --> 01:13:25,676
Oh.
1296
01:13:25,760 --> 01:13:26,760
Whoa!
1297
01:13:27,960 --> 01:13:29,314
Turbulence, everybody.
1298
01:13:29,920 --> 01:13:31,400
Give me a second.
1299
01:13:34,280 --> 01:13:35,280
Are those your balls?
1300
01:13:35,760 --> 01:13:38,036
Yeah. Is that an apple?
1301
01:13:41,200 --> 01:13:42,200
Turbulentay.
1302
01:13:48,760 --> 01:13:49,760
Oh.
1303
01:13:50,160 --> 01:13:54,200
Dang, too much turb.
Gotta sit down and pee like a little girl.
1304
01:13:57,680 --> 01:13:58,796
My nuts!
1305
01:13:59,680 --> 01:14:00,955
My balls!
1306
01:14:03,360 --> 01:14:06,080
- Sir, are you okay in there?
- No, look!
1307
01:14:06,360 --> 01:14:09,353
- My nuts got sucked in, look!
- Oh, my God!
1308
01:14:09,520 --> 01:14:14,231
- What'd you do that for? That's so stupid.
- I'm not on trial here. I did an accident.
1309
01:14:14,720 --> 01:14:15,720
What's going on?
1310
01:14:16,000 --> 01:14:17,878
- Oh, good, sweet, Lord God.
- I need help.
1311
01:14:18,040 --> 01:14:20,316
This man has gotten his ball sack stuck
down the toilet.
1312
01:14:20,400 --> 01:14:22,756
I just got sucked. It's an accident.
I pushed the thing.
1313
01:14:22,840 --> 01:14:26,880
- I'm sorry. I quit. I hate balls to start off with.
- Oh, no, no, no.
1314
01:14:27,040 --> 01:14:28,315
- No, I'm...
- Don't quit, I need help!
1315
01:14:28,440 --> 01:14:30,113
You are helping me out with this.
I don't know what to do.
1316
01:14:30,200 --> 01:14:32,032
They didn't deal with this in
stewardess school.
1317
01:14:32,120 --> 01:14:34,157
Sir, you've got to lift
them up when I flush. Okay?
1318
01:14:34,280 --> 01:14:35,316
That doesn't sound like it's gonna work.
1319
01:14:35,440 --> 01:14:36,440
- 1, 2, 3.
- No, no, no!
1320
01:14:38,880 --> 01:14:40,553
It didn't work! It didn't work.
1321
01:14:40,640 --> 01:14:43,075
Well, we're gonna try it again.
I'm gonna try it again. One, two, three.
1322
01:14:43,160 --> 01:14:44,160
No, no, no!
1323
01:14:44,560 --> 01:14:45,560
You bitch!
1324
01:14:46,080 --> 01:14:49,676
What're you doing? I'm sorry.
Don't do it! I never say the "B" word.
1325
01:14:50,040 --> 01:14:53,920
But it hurts too much. You can't do that.
We need to think of a new strategy.
1326
01:14:54,480 --> 01:14:56,870
- What is going on out here, ladies?
- Have a look.
1327
01:14:57,240 --> 01:15:01,519
- What is... What the... Whoa! Whoa!
- Yeah.
1328
01:15:04,720 --> 01:15:08,077
I'm gonna get you guys some help.
Let's clean that up.
1329
01:15:09,000 --> 01:15:11,834
You want me to clean this up first
or get the guy's balls out of the toilet?
1330
01:15:11,920 --> 01:15:14,913
- Watch your face, sir. It's coming in!
- Get out of here with your foot!
1331
01:15:15,000 --> 01:15:17,720
I'm gonna get you back to your seat,
you gotta get your nuts up out of that...
1332
01:15:17,800 --> 01:15:19,075
Don't kick me, Jackie Chan!
1333
01:15:26,800 --> 01:15:29,599
- I passed out for a minute.
- Oh, right.
1334
01:15:29,840 --> 01:15:31,718
Not again, you bitch!
1335
01:15:36,520 --> 01:15:40,036
Do you really have to parade me
across the tarmac?
1336
01:15:40,280 --> 01:15:41,953
Is there not a shortcut?
1337
01:15:42,280 --> 01:15:44,158
I'm out here on display.
1338
01:15:44,880 --> 01:15:45,880
Hey, gals.
1339
01:15:46,960 --> 01:15:48,519
I'm usually in a Hemi.
1340
01:15:48,920 --> 01:15:51,799
Oh, man. Is there a second gear on this?
1341
01:15:52,360 --> 01:15:53,874
You see what that is, right? You see it?
1342
01:15:54,120 --> 01:15:57,830
- This is crazy.
- His left nut is right in that one gear.
1343
01:15:58,240 --> 01:16:01,278
Right there in the gear box.
And his other one, his other nut...
1344
01:16:01,400 --> 01:16:03,471
- Where'd you take off from? Miami?
- Miami.
1345
01:16:03,760 --> 01:16:05,513
- His other nut's probably back in Miami.
- Where?
1346
01:16:05,600 --> 01:16:07,796
- They might have to ship it to you, buddy.
- Are you funning me?
1347
01:16:07,880 --> 01:16:11,191
Just hand me pliers and,
what do you think about a saw?
1348
01:16:11,280 --> 01:16:13,397
A saw? Wait, like a hacksaw?
1349
01:16:13,480 --> 01:16:17,076
Like to hack it off? No, no.
No saw by my balls. Thanks.
1350
01:16:17,160 --> 01:16:20,073
- Hey, buddy, can you let us concentrate?
- How long's this gonna take?
1351
01:16:20,160 --> 01:16:22,117
Like 4 or 5 hours.
Whatever, it doesn't matter.
1352
01:16:22,200 --> 01:16:25,193
4 or 5 hours? No way, man.
I gotta take an airplane to Idaho.
1353
01:16:25,320 --> 01:16:27,835
I gotta be honest, man,
planes are out of the question.
1354
01:16:28,040 --> 01:16:31,033
- You're gonna have to drive.
- Drive? I can't drive with these balls.
1355
01:16:31,280 --> 01:16:34,239
Plus I drive Mopar,
not some crummy rental car.
1356
01:16:35,960 --> 01:16:36,960
So I rented a car.
1357
01:16:37,520 --> 01:16:41,480
And now I was heading home,
but of course I ran out of gas. Typical.
1358
01:16:41,640 --> 01:16:42,640
Everyone saw that coming.
1359
01:16:43,400 --> 01:16:44,550
And then I hopped a train,
1360
01:16:44,640 --> 01:16:46,996
and that was fun, 'cause the guy
even let me drive it for a second.
1361
01:16:50,040 --> 01:16:51,360
Well, I screwed that up fast.
1362
01:16:52,360 --> 01:16:55,239
I didn't stick around to fill out no
paperwork, I just started running.
1363
01:16:55,520 --> 01:16:57,034
I'm actually a good runner.
1364
01:16:57,480 --> 01:16:58,480
I'm actually not.
1365
01:17:06,520 --> 01:17:07,556
Oh, man.
1366
01:17:16,800 --> 01:17:19,190
If it isn't dirty Joe Dirt.
1367
01:17:19,520 --> 01:17:22,240
Oh, man. Hey, Foggle.
1368
01:17:22,440 --> 01:17:24,318
Phonebook's looking a little
thinner these days.
1369
01:17:24,720 --> 01:17:26,154
How 'bout you give us them boots.
1370
01:17:26,240 --> 01:17:29,438
And we'll kill you only half as slow
as we was gonna.
1371
01:17:30,200 --> 01:17:31,395
How did you find me, man?
1372
01:17:31,720 --> 01:17:34,110
I met you back in 1965.
1373
01:17:34,280 --> 01:17:37,000
Joe Dirt, we're the dream you can't slip.
1374
01:17:37,080 --> 01:17:40,835
The ache in your heart.
The darkness just outside of your light.
1375
01:17:41,240 --> 01:17:44,950
We've been hounding you since the day
you was left behind like garbage
1376
01:17:45,040 --> 01:17:46,474
by your ma and pa.
1377
01:17:47,400 --> 01:17:51,917
We're an allegory and a reality,
and your time is up.
1378
01:17:52,600 --> 01:17:54,193
This is gonna be good.
1379
01:17:54,440 --> 01:17:55,440
Hey.
1380
01:18:00,800 --> 01:18:02,553
I don't like your tone.
1381
01:18:03,240 --> 01:18:05,197
You're talking to my boy all wrong.
1382
01:18:05,600 --> 01:18:06,600
Hey, Clem!
1383
01:18:10,840 --> 01:18:11,840
Who are you?
1384
01:18:12,120 --> 01:18:16,558
I've come to check on my boy, Joe Dirt.
He's my goose that lays the golden eggs.
1385
01:18:16,680 --> 01:18:19,752
You don't mess with my goose,
unless you're a gander.
1386
01:18:20,800 --> 01:18:22,837
- Tell me, are you a gander?
- No!
1387
01:18:23,160 --> 01:18:24,640
No, I'm not a gander!
1388
01:18:25,200 --> 01:18:27,271
Clem, I'm so glad to see you, man.
But I gotta get out of here.
1389
01:18:27,360 --> 01:18:28,919
I've got to get to
Brandy's house right now!
1390
01:18:29,080 --> 01:18:30,958
I want those boots, pissant!
1391
01:18:31,120 --> 01:18:32,952
Joe, go meet your woman.
1392
01:18:33,440 --> 01:18:35,591
I will take care of these dunskies.
1393
01:18:35,800 --> 01:18:37,996
You know, we're kind of running
the show here.
1394
01:18:38,080 --> 01:18:41,790
We've got our chains and knives.
1395
01:18:41,880 --> 01:18:43,519
Don't bring a knife to a gunfight.
1396
01:18:44,320 --> 01:18:46,039
Especially if I've got the guns.
1397
01:18:46,480 --> 01:18:47,480
Not now, darling.
1398
01:18:48,320 --> 01:18:50,232
Hey, Clem,
you don't have to do this for me, buddy.
1399
01:18:51,120 --> 01:18:54,158
Joe Dirt, we may meet again someday.
1400
01:18:54,240 --> 01:18:55,240
I don't know.
1401
01:18:55,320 --> 01:18:58,199
But for that to happen,
you must meet your destiny.
1402
01:18:59,160 --> 01:19:02,073
You've learned how hot it is
when you lose your shade tree.
1403
01:19:02,920 --> 01:19:04,479
Go get your shade tree back.
1404
01:19:04,840 --> 01:19:05,910
Thanks, man.
1405
01:19:06,360 --> 01:19:09,159
Hey, by the way, why doesn't it sound
fruity when you say that?
1406
01:19:09,480 --> 01:19:11,472
You don't have time for the explanation.
1407
01:19:11,600 --> 01:19:13,751
I don't. Bye, Foggle. I gotta go.
1408
01:19:13,840 --> 01:19:15,320
- Whoo-hoo-hoo.
- Joe Dirt.
1409
01:19:16,520 --> 01:19:17,520
Joe Dirt!
1410
01:19:17,920 --> 01:19:18,920
Ah.
1411
01:19:20,200 --> 01:19:21,200
And you.
1412
01:19:22,120 --> 01:19:25,158
You're done with Joe Dirt.
You must never haunt his dreams again.
1413
01:19:25,360 --> 01:19:28,876
You must never be that voice of doubt
that makes him think he's not good.
1414
01:19:29,680 --> 01:19:31,717
Your dance with Joe Dirt is done.
1415
01:19:36,000 --> 01:19:37,229
I'll let you know when it's over.
1416
01:19:37,560 --> 01:19:40,678
Hey, does your mother sew?
1417
01:19:42,040 --> 01:19:43,394
Ka-boom-baf!
1418
01:19:56,320 --> 01:19:58,551
Get her to stitch that!
1419
01:20:08,560 --> 01:20:10,517
Charlie!
1420
01:20:13,320 --> 01:20:15,198
We've got to get you unstuck.
1421
01:20:18,000 --> 01:20:20,037
Is there anybody out
there that will help me?
1422
01:20:22,080 --> 01:20:23,400
Oh, it's you!
1423
01:20:24,560 --> 01:20:25,560
Yeah.
1424
01:20:25,640 --> 01:20:27,871
Thank goodness. We've gotta help Charlie.
1425
01:20:27,960 --> 01:20:30,236
I was born to help Charlie.
What's going on?
1426
01:20:30,360 --> 01:20:33,319
I was thinking maybe
warm water and a spatula?
1427
01:20:33,400 --> 01:20:34,800
- That's a great idea.
- Okay.
1428
01:20:36,440 --> 01:20:38,318
Man, keep your mouth shut, mutt.
1429
01:20:40,000 --> 01:20:42,595
All right. I'm looking at you, too.
He's all good. Come on back.
1430
01:20:42,800 --> 01:20:43,800
Oh!
1431
01:20:44,440 --> 01:20:46,238
Charlie!
1432
01:20:46,960 --> 01:20:48,758
- Jimmy, thank you!
- You're welcome.
1433
01:20:49,040 --> 01:20:51,032
- It ain't nothing.
- How did you do that?
1434
01:20:51,120 --> 01:20:53,919
Don't worry about it.
That's a guy thing, right there.
1435
01:20:56,080 --> 01:20:57,833
Brandy, hey.
1436
01:20:59,600 --> 01:21:01,796
I'm sorry, do I know you?
1437
01:21:02,440 --> 01:21:03,440
It's me, Brandy, Joe Dirt.
1438
01:21:03,920 --> 01:21:04,920
Joe Dirt?
1439
01:21:05,200 --> 01:21:06,270
What kind of name is that?
1440
01:21:06,720 --> 01:21:11,033
It's me. We're supposed to meet here,
right now. Right exactly now, with Charlie.
1441
01:21:11,720 --> 01:21:15,077
We become friends,
and eventually we get married.
1442
01:21:15,200 --> 01:21:16,953
Boy, what are you talking about?
1443
01:21:17,280 --> 01:21:18,600
Is you wasted or something?
1444
01:21:19,040 --> 01:21:21,555
Um, Mr. Dirt, I can't talk right now.
1445
01:21:22,080 --> 01:21:25,232
- Jimmy and I need to tend to my dog.
- Brandy, I'm rich now.
1446
01:21:25,960 --> 01:21:27,189
I'm super rich.
1447
01:21:28,120 --> 01:21:29,474
I'm somebody that's worth loving.
1448
01:21:30,680 --> 01:21:34,310
Mr. Dirt, money doesn't interest me
all that much.
1449
01:21:35,160 --> 01:21:37,994
I'm more interested in a man that is kind.
1450
01:21:38,440 --> 01:21:41,990
Like somebody that would
help a dog in distress.
1451
01:21:42,560 --> 01:21:47,077
Well, hell, just yesterday, I saved 15
raccoons by giving them mouth-to-mouth
1452
01:21:47,160 --> 01:21:49,197
'cause they was choking
on garbage and stuff.
1453
01:21:49,480 --> 01:21:50,834
Heck, I'll save anybody.
1454
01:21:51,960 --> 01:21:53,360
Especially you, Brandy.
1455
01:21:53,600 --> 01:21:55,956
You know, 'cause I am armed!
1456
01:21:56,240 --> 01:21:58,232
A-R-M-D right there.
1457
01:21:59,320 --> 01:22:00,320
Well,
1458
01:22:00,600 --> 01:22:02,080
it was nice meeting you, Mr. Dirt.
1459
01:22:02,640 --> 01:22:03,640
Yeah, later, Dirt.
1460
01:22:05,840 --> 01:22:11,677
- Jimmy, would you like some ice cream?
- Why, hells to the yes. Get on in there!
1461
01:22:19,440 --> 01:22:21,511
Love hurts
1462
01:22:22,600 --> 01:22:24,637
Love scars
1463
01:22:25,680 --> 01:22:27,512
Love wounds
1464
01:22:28,720 --> 01:22:30,598
And marks
1465
01:22:31,200 --> 01:22:32,200
And that was it.
1466
01:22:34,040 --> 01:22:35,040
I missed my destiny.
1467
01:22:35,960 --> 01:22:37,110
Just like that it was all gone.
1468
01:22:37,880 --> 01:22:40,873
I'm sorry, Joe. I really am.
1469
01:22:41,040 --> 01:22:42,952
Thanks for listening. I appreciate it.
1470
01:22:43,040 --> 01:22:45,600
Right now you're probably
the only friend I have.
1471
01:22:47,320 --> 01:22:48,800
Oh, there's my bus!
1472
01:22:49,840 --> 01:22:50,840
See ya!
1473
01:22:57,880 --> 01:23:00,839
Wow, where's the fire, lady?
1474
01:23:03,040 --> 01:23:05,077
He got kicked to the curb!
1475
01:23:05,200 --> 01:23:07,510
Joe Dirt fucked up a couple things.
1476
01:23:09,080 --> 01:23:11,311
Damn, she just left him.
1477
01:23:11,680 --> 01:23:14,832
That boy was left with nothing.
1478
01:23:15,680 --> 01:23:19,560
But, you know, last time
all he had was his freedom.
1479
01:23:19,840 --> 01:23:20,840
And you know what freedom is.
1480
01:23:21,040 --> 01:23:22,040
Yeah.
1481
01:23:22,120 --> 01:23:26,239
Just another word for nothing left to lose.
1482
01:23:28,720 --> 01:23:32,600
Look at you all growed up
and being Starsky and Putz!
1483
01:23:33,760 --> 01:23:35,433
I had a cousin named Randy.
1484
01:23:40,600 --> 01:23:41,600
Yeah.
1485
01:23:42,920 --> 01:23:46,880
But much like Ned Beatty braced against
the shale wall in Deliverance,
1486
01:23:47,280 --> 01:23:50,000
this time he's got shit tons to lose.
1487
01:23:50,760 --> 01:23:55,676
But, come on, it's Joe Dirt. There's always
one more ace up his wife-beater.
1488
01:23:55,800 --> 01:23:57,075
Let's pick this story back up.
1489
01:23:58,760 --> 01:24:00,114
Get out of the road!
1490
01:24:07,240 --> 01:24:08,240
What's up?
1491
01:24:09,240 --> 01:24:12,631
Hey, dude. Where'd you come from?
You scared the crap out of me.
1492
01:24:13,800 --> 01:24:16,269
Looks like you've just
completely given up, huh, Joe?
1493
01:24:16,480 --> 01:24:19,518
Look out... Oh, man,
that car just drove through you!
1494
01:24:19,800 --> 01:24:23,714
Like a car driving through you.
Are you some sort of ghost or something?
1495
01:24:24,520 --> 01:24:28,070
Ghost-like. Yeah, check this out.
Put your hand right here. Just touch it.
1496
01:24:28,480 --> 01:24:31,200
Oh, no, that's your private parts, man.
1497
01:24:31,560 --> 01:24:33,631
Private, but you're invited.
Go ahead. Put it right there.
1498
01:24:33,720 --> 01:24:36,519
It'll go right through me. I won't even
feel it. I won't even feel it. Go ahead.
1499
01:24:36,600 --> 01:24:39,320
- Really? All right, I ain't being fruity.
- Yeah. All right.
1500
01:24:39,800 --> 01:24:40,950
Oh, it did!
1501
01:24:41,600 --> 01:24:42,750
Aw, yeah.
1502
01:24:42,840 --> 01:24:46,675
- That felt nice.
- No man, don't say that. That's wrong.
1503
01:24:46,760 --> 01:24:49,355
You could've bought me dinner first.
We just met.
1504
01:24:50,080 --> 01:24:51,958
You talk slow, but you move fast.
1505
01:24:52,040 --> 01:24:54,874
Yeah, it's like there's a dog whistle
in my pants and only you can hear it.
1506
01:24:55,080 --> 01:24:57,311
Do it again, one more time, I wanna see if
you can get me off again.
1507
01:24:57,400 --> 01:24:59,995
No, I didn't get you off, man,
I ain't no party boy.
1508
01:25:00,920 --> 01:25:03,435
Come on, Joe. I'm just messing with you.
I was trying to lighten the mood.
1509
01:25:03,520 --> 01:25:05,751
I never figured you for a quitter.
1510
01:25:05,840 --> 01:25:08,912
Weren't you the guy who once said,
"Life's a garden, dig it?"
1511
01:25:10,240 --> 01:25:14,553
Yeah, I also said, "Say it, don't
spray it." But that Joe's gone, man.
1512
01:25:14,800 --> 01:25:17,395
"Life's a garden, dig it,"
ain't nothing but a bumper sticker.
1513
01:25:17,720 --> 01:25:21,031
Well, don't you think that sometimes bumper
stickers have a little bit of truth in them?
1514
01:25:21,240 --> 01:25:26,076
Yeah, you know the one that says, "Wrap it
in latex, or she'll get your paychecks."
1515
01:25:26,360 --> 01:25:28,352
- That one's got lots of truth. Yeah.
- Sure.
1516
01:25:28,480 --> 01:25:32,190
Sure, and then I remember
that one that said "Coexist."
1517
01:25:33,560 --> 01:25:35,040
Yeah, that's not as funny.
1518
01:25:35,520 --> 01:25:39,309
And then they took the coexist
and they changed it to "Joe-exist"
1519
01:25:39,760 --> 01:25:41,513
to put his hands on dick.
1520
01:25:41,600 --> 01:25:43,956
Come on, Joe. I want you to come with me.
I want to show you something.
1521
01:25:44,040 --> 01:25:45,190
I wanna take you to Silvertown.
1522
01:25:45,560 --> 01:25:50,237
Silvertown? No way, man. That place is
1,000 miles away. Literally and finger...
1523
01:25:50,960 --> 01:25:51,996
And fig...
1524
01:25:52,560 --> 01:25:54,392
Fig Newtonally.
1525
01:25:54,960 --> 01:25:56,440
Were you going for "Figuratively"?
1526
01:25:56,520 --> 01:25:57,636
'Cause I know that you were
just going for some
1527
01:25:57,720 --> 01:25:59,712
homo action in my pants just a minute ago.
1528
01:26:00,160 --> 01:26:02,356
Joe, when you're with me Silvertown
is just a second away.
1529
01:26:04,280 --> 01:26:05,280
All right.
1530
01:26:10,800 --> 01:26:13,031
Wait a second, is this Silvertown?
1531
01:26:13,920 --> 01:26:15,991
Oh, man, it's all gone to hell.
What happened?
1532
01:26:16,440 --> 01:26:19,353
You didn't happen, Joe.
It all went to hell.
1533
01:26:19,760 --> 01:26:25,074
Although, my guess is you would have
rather had it go to the Thunder Down Under.
1534
01:26:25,920 --> 01:26:28,719
The Thunder Down Under show?
That's a bunch of dudes dancing around.
1535
01:26:28,800 --> 01:26:30,996
Why do you keep saying crap like that?
1536
01:26:31,320 --> 01:26:33,118
You couldn't wait
to get your hand on my dick.
1537
01:26:33,400 --> 01:26:35,960
And I get it, you know,
we all want what we can't have.
1538
01:26:36,440 --> 01:26:38,796
You want to touch what's on
the other side of the light,
1539
01:26:38,920 --> 01:26:41,037
and the closest thing to you was my dick.
1540
01:26:41,120 --> 01:26:43,157
But you wanted to wear it
like a fucking wristwatch,
1541
01:26:43,240 --> 01:26:45,357
which would be great, right?
Then you could say,
1542
01:26:45,920 --> 01:26:48,958
"Oh, what time is it?
It's 15 minutes to dick."
1543
01:26:49,520 --> 01:26:51,751
Snapper, 11 o'clock.
1544
01:26:52,200 --> 01:26:53,200
9 o'clock.
1545
01:26:53,720 --> 01:26:54,720
Snapper.
1546
01:26:56,280 --> 01:26:59,557
I'd drink a gallon of her piss
just to see where it came from.
1547
01:26:59,680 --> 01:27:00,716
Oh.
1548
01:27:00,800 --> 01:27:02,473
That's nice. Yeah, yeah.
1549
01:27:02,960 --> 01:27:04,997
I've got Brandy, she's
my girl, and I don't...
1550
01:27:05,080 --> 01:27:07,276
But I guess, what they say you know,
1551
01:27:07,360 --> 01:27:09,920
"You're on a diet
but don't mean you can't look at the menu."
1552
01:27:10,720 --> 01:27:11,720
Right?
1553
01:27:11,800 --> 01:27:14,315
Just because you're petting the dog
don't mean you can't have sex with it.
1554
01:27:14,400 --> 01:27:15,880
- Right?
- I don't know.
1555
01:27:16,000 --> 01:27:19,676
You're creeping me out.
You're so creepy. You're so creepy.
1556
01:27:19,920 --> 01:27:21,593
My dick had you at hello and now you're
1557
01:27:21,680 --> 01:27:23,797
talking about having sex
with animals and shit.
1558
01:27:23,880 --> 01:27:25,075
I don't get you.
1559
01:27:25,160 --> 01:27:27,880
No, dude.
Okay, you're twisting things around.
1560
01:27:27,960 --> 01:27:30,077
I just said Silvertown looks way different,
1561
01:27:30,280 --> 01:27:33,796
but I didn't say sex with animals,
that don't turn me on, man, that's...
1562
01:27:34,560 --> 01:27:36,153
That's weird stuff, I mean...
1563
01:27:37,080 --> 01:27:38,434
Maybe Jessica Rabbit...
1564
01:27:40,920 --> 01:27:44,072
It's not called Silvertown anymore.
Jimmy Yauch bought this joint,
1565
01:27:44,160 --> 01:27:46,072
changed its name to Jimmy Town.
1566
01:27:46,160 --> 01:27:47,594
What...
1567
01:27:47,680 --> 01:27:49,831
What? Dude, why would he do that?
1568
01:27:50,520 --> 01:27:52,955
Well, he got rich, Joe.
He got rich as hell.
1569
01:27:53,080 --> 01:27:57,950
But all he does anymore is sit around
and pop Molly cut with ketamine and shit.
1570
01:27:58,040 --> 01:27:59,269
Trip his balls off.
1571
01:27:59,360 --> 01:28:02,159
Joe, about what happened back there,
you know when you fisted me?
1572
01:28:02,240 --> 01:28:04,357
I don't want things to get weird
between the two of us.
1573
01:28:04,560 --> 01:28:07,519
But if I could just be serious for
a second, "What do balls taste like?"
1574
01:28:08,320 --> 01:28:10,073
You know, did you go to
guardian angel school?
1575
01:28:10,160 --> 01:28:12,516
Because I feel like maybe you flunked out.
1576
01:28:13,720 --> 01:28:15,439
Hey! Hey, you little punks!
1577
01:28:15,760 --> 01:28:16,989
Come back here!
1578
01:28:18,920 --> 01:28:20,877
Third time this week
kids have ripped me off.
1579
01:28:21,160 --> 01:28:24,153
This used to be a town for families,
community.
1580
01:28:24,240 --> 01:28:25,310
Yeah.
1581
01:28:25,400 --> 01:28:26,959
I don't know, the last few decades,
1582
01:28:27,400 --> 01:28:30,871
hell, something's gone missing. It's
like... Well, it's like the glue is gone.
1583
01:28:31,200 --> 01:28:33,635
Someone stole Silvertown's glue?
1584
01:28:33,720 --> 01:28:36,792
Oh, wait, is that one of them metaphors
you talked about?
1585
01:28:36,880 --> 01:28:40,032
- Who are you talking to?
- Oh, sorry, man. This here is Clair.
1586
01:28:40,120 --> 01:28:41,120
He can't see me, Joe.
1587
01:28:42,120 --> 01:28:45,750
For Christ's sake,
kids ripping off comic books,
1588
01:28:45,880 --> 01:28:49,920
assholes standing around talking to
themselves. It's all just bullshit!
1589
01:28:53,880 --> 01:28:54,880
Oh, man.
1590
01:28:55,720 --> 01:28:59,191
Joe? Brandy's just outside of town.
1591
01:29:00,400 --> 01:29:01,436
Brandy lives here?
1592
01:29:01,600 --> 01:29:03,319
This don't seem like her
kind of place at all.
1593
01:29:03,440 --> 01:29:05,477
Well, these days this is her kind of place.
1594
01:29:05,840 --> 01:29:09,356
Her life went down a different path
on the day that she didn't meet you.
1595
01:29:09,640 --> 01:29:14,431
She's changed. I mean,
she is still cute as a little puppy.
1596
01:29:14,520 --> 01:29:18,275
If that little puppy had great tits
and a nice ass.
1597
01:29:18,360 --> 01:29:19,360
Oh, man...
1598
01:29:19,440 --> 01:29:21,397
It's like diarrhea, I can't stop.
1599
01:29:21,480 --> 01:29:23,199
You should see for yourself, though.
1600
01:29:25,960 --> 01:29:27,872
Oh, hey, man, how did you do that?
1601
01:29:27,960 --> 01:29:32,113
Well, because I'm an angel, you moron!
1602
01:29:37,720 --> 01:29:42,272
- Joe, I want you to find Brandy.
- Okay.
1603
01:29:53,240 --> 01:29:56,711
You hear that? It's poetry.
1604
01:29:56,840 --> 01:29:57,840
Poetry?
1605
01:29:57,920 --> 01:30:02,073
Brandy finally gave me the gift
I knew she always had to give.
1606
01:30:02,160 --> 01:30:04,038
All the great words.
1607
01:30:05,160 --> 01:30:07,595
The great magical turns of a phrase.
1608
01:30:07,920 --> 01:30:11,470
That lives within me now
and informs my music.
1609
01:30:11,840 --> 01:30:14,833
It's all because of her.
So you know what I'm thinking?
1610
01:30:15,040 --> 01:30:16,713
You all want to get wasted?
1611
01:30:16,800 --> 01:30:17,995
- Yeah!
- Get real wasted, real fast!
1612
01:30:18,160 --> 01:30:20,152
- Yeah!
- Party like a rock star?
1613
01:30:20,240 --> 01:30:21,276
- Yeah!
- Well, all right!
1614
01:30:21,360 --> 01:30:22,919
Yeah!
1615
01:30:23,000 --> 01:30:24,912
Here's what I'm thinking, tampons!
1616
01:30:26,840 --> 01:30:28,115
Come on, man, hear me out, man.
1617
01:30:28,200 --> 01:30:31,637
You soak them in vodka, and then
we shove them straight up our asses.
1618
01:30:34,160 --> 01:30:35,276
Oh, wait, what?
1619
01:30:35,360 --> 01:30:37,033
No, no, it will get you hammered ASAP, man.
1620
01:30:37,160 --> 01:30:38,753
Mark McGrath does it every night.
1621
01:30:38,840 --> 01:30:40,718
I don't know. That seems weird, a little.
1622
01:30:40,840 --> 01:30:42,672
Do you guys question the iPhone?
1623
01:30:43,640 --> 01:30:45,677
Well, yeah, but this seems different
than an iPhone.
1624
01:30:46,080 --> 01:30:48,117
You can't compare an iPhone with a tampon.
1625
01:30:48,200 --> 01:30:52,956
Stop being such a bunch of pussies now!
I demand you to stop being pussies.
1626
01:30:53,040 --> 01:30:56,875
Now start to soaking and get to shoving!
1627
01:30:57,000 --> 01:30:59,356
Or you're out of my entourage!
All of youse!
1628
01:30:59,440 --> 01:31:00,669
Keep soaking and shoving. Soak and shove.
1629
01:31:00,760 --> 01:31:02,752
- I want to hear you boys say it now.
- Soak and shove.
1630
01:31:02,880 --> 01:31:05,076
Ooh, you better be right about that.
1631
01:31:05,200 --> 01:31:07,920
- All right.
- Oh, yeah.
1632
01:31:08,040 --> 01:31:09,679
It's hard to get in there, boss.
1633
01:31:09,760 --> 01:31:12,992
Don't worry about it, man. Just keep shoving,
it will get there. It will get there.
1634
01:31:17,280 --> 01:31:18,555
How are you doing, Cal?
1635
01:31:18,720 --> 01:31:21,394
8, 9, 10...
1636
01:31:21,720 --> 01:31:26,749
Oh, yeah, 14! These things
are going up, like, easy-peasy.
1637
01:31:29,680 --> 01:31:32,593
- What?
- 14?
1638
01:31:33,600 --> 01:31:36,957
What do you say? What? Who said that?
1639
01:31:37,840 --> 01:31:41,311
What are you saying?
I thought I was eating them?
1640
01:31:41,760 --> 01:31:43,831
- I thought you said eat them?
- He wasn't eating them, man.
1641
01:31:43,920 --> 01:31:46,151
You said eat them. I had, like, 14.
1642
01:31:46,240 --> 01:31:48,232
I was eating them.
They taste like cotton candy.
1643
01:31:48,320 --> 01:31:50,630
Wait a minute, did you say butt, man?
1644
01:31:50,880 --> 01:31:54,351
Oh, my God, Jimmy.
He was putting them up his butt.
1645
01:31:54,440 --> 01:31:57,592
This guy! This guy was putting them
up his butt.
1646
01:31:57,880 --> 01:31:59,917
What an idiot! What an idiot!
1647
01:32:01,840 --> 01:32:04,833
They all went up your butt, Cal.
I seen them all go up your butt.
1648
01:32:04,920 --> 01:32:07,196
No. No! This sucks!
1649
01:32:07,280 --> 01:32:10,432
No! I'm done with this party!
You suck, Jimmy!
1650
01:32:10,600 --> 01:32:14,116
No, you don't suck. You're great, man. I
love you. You're awesome. You're the best.
1651
01:32:14,280 --> 01:32:16,112
You're the best. He sucks!
1652
01:32:16,200 --> 01:32:18,590
No, I'm out. This is terrible.
1653
01:32:18,720 --> 01:32:20,598
- Dude, stay! Stay! Stay! Hey!
- Jimmy, this is stupid.
1654
01:32:20,760 --> 01:32:22,911
No, Jimmy. What a dumb idea!
1655
01:32:23,120 --> 01:32:25,396
Hey, Jimmy, we got a situation out here.
1656
01:32:25,480 --> 01:32:27,676
Hey, come on, man.
We're doing a science experiment here.
1657
01:32:27,960 --> 01:32:29,997
Oh, yeah, but there's this guy out here.
1658
01:32:30,840 --> 01:32:31,876
What's up?
1659
01:32:31,960 --> 01:32:34,395
Look, man.
We caught this dude without an invitation.
1660
01:32:34,480 --> 01:32:35,834
You want me to throw his ass out?
1661
01:32:36,480 --> 01:32:39,040
- I know you, right?
- You know me, yeah!
1662
01:32:39,120 --> 01:32:42,636
It's Joe Dirt. Jimmy, I can't believe
you're such a huge star.
1663
01:32:42,720 --> 01:32:43,949
This big house, man.
1664
01:32:44,120 --> 01:32:46,237
It seems like just yesterday we was
hanging out at the gas station...
1665
01:32:46,320 --> 01:32:50,473
Oh, now, hold up a second. I ain't never
hung out with nobody named Joe Dirt.
1666
01:32:50,800 --> 01:32:52,632
And I ain't about to start right now.
1667
01:32:55,280 --> 01:32:56,280
Oh, yeah.
1668
01:32:57,280 --> 01:32:59,875
You know,
I think I confused you for somebody.
1669
01:33:00,000 --> 01:33:01,150
Yeah, I think you did.
1670
01:33:01,240 --> 01:33:04,756
Hey, get this boy a drink.
Maybe clear his head up a little bit.
1671
01:33:04,880 --> 01:33:06,997
- Nah, man, I'm cool.
- No, you ain't.
1672
01:33:07,240 --> 01:33:09,835
Dang, I walk into that every time.
1673
01:33:10,160 --> 01:33:12,277
Hey, is Brandy around?
1674
01:33:12,440 --> 01:33:14,159
- What did you say?
- Is Brandy here?
1675
01:33:14,280 --> 01:33:16,158
Oh, you asking about Brandy now?
1676
01:33:16,280 --> 01:33:19,671
You coming up in my house,
actin' all buddy-buddy like,
1677
01:33:19,840 --> 01:33:21,274
and now you're hitting on my wife?
1678
01:33:21,480 --> 01:33:22,480
No, I didn't mean...
1679
01:33:22,560 --> 01:33:25,120
Your wife? Brandy's not your...
1680
01:33:25,320 --> 01:33:26,879
- Yeah.
- What?
1681
01:33:27,400 --> 01:33:32,873
Oh, my God! When you took my place on the
porch, saving Charlie's balls, that's right.
1682
01:33:33,240 --> 01:33:34,435
Oh, wait a minute.
1683
01:33:34,520 --> 01:33:37,911
You're that dude that walked up on me
and Brandy that night on the porch
1684
01:33:38,000 --> 01:33:41,072
when I was saving that stupid mutt,
or something like that.
1685
01:33:41,160 --> 01:33:44,039
Oh, and you was talking about,
"Oh, Brandy, I love you.
1686
01:33:44,120 --> 01:33:46,999
"I got so much money
it's coming out of my butt."
1687
01:33:47,080 --> 01:33:49,276
It's no wonder Colt Ford
wrote a song about you.
1688
01:33:49,360 --> 01:33:51,079
Colt Ford wrote a song about me?
1689
01:33:51,160 --> 01:33:53,072
Yeah, man. The Ballad of Joe Dirt.
1690
01:33:53,720 --> 01:33:56,713
And here you are, stupid mullet,
1691
01:33:57,400 --> 01:34:00,552
stupid face and all of that.
1692
01:34:03,080 --> 01:34:05,072
Well, hello, ladies!
1693
01:34:07,200 --> 01:34:09,237
Lookey here, lookey here!
1694
01:34:09,760 --> 01:34:12,070
Hey, Jimmy, ain't you just say
you married to Brandy now?
1695
01:34:13,800 --> 01:34:18,591
She does her thing, I do my thing.
That's the way that thing goes.
1696
01:34:19,560 --> 01:34:21,358
How you doing? Where are your friends at?
1697
01:34:21,560 --> 01:34:24,234
Have you seen the Jacuzzi yet?
Whoo! You're going to love it.
1698
01:34:24,520 --> 01:34:26,000
Come on now. You got a twin sister?
1699
01:34:26,080 --> 01:34:27,196
Not cool.
1700
01:34:31,880 --> 01:34:32,880
Hey!
1701
01:34:33,840 --> 01:34:34,876
Brandy!
1702
01:34:37,240 --> 01:34:39,072
- How do I light this?
- This way, babe.
1703
01:34:39,760 --> 01:34:40,910
You do it.
1704
01:34:41,840 --> 01:34:43,320
This way, silly.
1705
01:34:44,440 --> 01:34:45,440
Brandy?
1706
01:34:46,520 --> 01:34:47,590
Hey!
1707
01:34:49,000 --> 01:34:51,879
Hey! I remember you.
1708
01:34:52,560 --> 01:34:54,279
You're that rich guy.
1709
01:34:54,360 --> 01:34:56,716
You were going to help me with Charlie
when he was stuck.
1710
01:34:56,800 --> 01:34:58,917
- Yeah.
- Until Jimmy beat you to it,
1711
01:34:59,000 --> 01:35:00,480
and helped me instead.
1712
01:35:01,680 --> 01:35:04,434
Might have been the last time
Jimmy helped me with anything.
1713
01:35:05,360 --> 01:35:08,478
Look, it's the moron with
the Tennessee top hat.
1714
01:35:09,960 --> 01:35:11,394
Tennessee top hat.
1715
01:35:12,400 --> 01:35:14,960
That's actually a good one, fellas.
I had not heard that one before.
1716
01:35:15,480 --> 01:35:16,960
- They've got some new stuff.
- Oh, yeah?
1717
01:35:17,080 --> 01:35:19,879
I bet you never heard
that you're a winner, either!
1718
01:35:21,120 --> 01:35:22,520
Jimmy would have liked that one!
1719
01:35:22,920 --> 01:35:24,070
I love Jimmy!
1720
01:35:24,320 --> 01:35:25,595
Where is Jimmy?
1721
01:35:25,840 --> 01:35:27,638
Forget about Jimmy, baby.
1722
01:35:28,200 --> 01:35:30,954
- You're with me now.
- Katrina, you're so sweet.
1723
01:35:31,160 --> 01:35:33,800
- You're such a good friend to me.
- Oh, yeah.
1724
01:35:33,960 --> 01:35:36,520
You look so hot tonight, Brandy.
1725
01:35:37,400 --> 01:35:39,835
- Doesn't she look hot, boys?
- Yeah!
1726
01:35:40,080 --> 01:35:41,150
Yes!
1727
01:35:41,280 --> 01:35:43,237
I don't think she looks that hot.
1728
01:35:43,840 --> 01:35:46,639
I mean, no, I mean she's gorgeous,
1729
01:35:46,840 --> 01:35:49,674
but that's not the Brandy I'm used to.
You don't look like that.
1730
01:35:49,760 --> 01:35:51,991
I mean, you look slutty
hot, and that's good.
1731
01:35:52,160 --> 01:35:54,914
Slutty hot is good,
it's just not the regular hot.
1732
01:35:55,200 --> 01:35:57,510
But believe me, there's a place
for slutty hot, guys like that.
1733
01:35:57,720 --> 01:36:00,872
But Brandy isn't that kind of hot,
you're innocent, sweet hot.
1734
01:36:01,120 --> 01:36:04,636
I mean, sluts are great. You know what?
I'm digging a hole. I can get out of it.
1735
01:36:04,840 --> 01:36:07,400
Uh, Brandy, what's been happening
in Silvertown?
1736
01:36:14,360 --> 01:36:16,397
Brandy's been happening.
1737
01:36:17,120 --> 01:36:20,591
Oh, boy, I didn't think those
M's was ever going to stop.
1738
01:36:21,040 --> 01:36:22,997
This girl's got more M's than M&M's.
1739
01:36:24,680 --> 01:36:25,830
'Cause M&M's...
1740
01:36:26,160 --> 01:36:27,674
No laughs. Absolutely zero.
1741
01:36:27,800 --> 01:36:29,359
When Jimmy's here you
laugh at everything...
1742
01:36:29,480 --> 01:36:31,039
He cuts a fart,
everyone cracks up for 2 hours.
1743
01:36:31,120 --> 01:36:34,033
This town is called Jimmy Town now.
1744
01:36:34,800 --> 01:36:38,510
My husband renamed it.
I kind of miss the old name.
1745
01:36:39,720 --> 01:36:41,234
And all that came with it.
1746
01:36:42,040 --> 01:36:43,679
Mmm. Brandy?
1747
01:36:43,880 --> 01:36:47,396
I'd like to be all that
came with it to you.
1748
01:36:48,680 --> 01:36:50,353
Katrina, that tickles.
1749
01:36:50,720 --> 01:36:53,838
Jimmy will get mad. He always gets mad.
1750
01:36:54,320 --> 01:36:57,791
No, he'll just grab a camera and pop a rod.
1751
01:36:58,240 --> 01:37:00,391
You're just a lost little girl, Brandy.
1752
01:37:00,760 --> 01:37:02,433
I didn't used to be.
1753
01:37:02,920 --> 01:37:06,152
I used to be a strong, independent woman.
1754
01:37:06,680 --> 01:37:08,592
I don't know what happened to me.
1755
01:37:09,000 --> 01:37:11,356
- It could be the heroin.
- Heroin, man?
1756
01:37:11,840 --> 01:37:14,230
What's going on in this town?
It's all mixed up.
1757
01:37:14,680 --> 01:37:17,400
I don't know what is and isn't
mixed up anymore.
1758
01:37:17,480 --> 01:37:19,119
You're so deep, Brandy.
1759
01:37:19,200 --> 01:37:21,590
You like when I do this to you, don't you?
1760
01:37:22,240 --> 01:37:25,756
I bet you're wearing those silk little
panties I bought for you, ain't you?
1761
01:37:26,400 --> 01:37:29,120
Don't say ain't or your mother will faint.
1762
01:37:29,200 --> 01:37:32,989
- Your father will fall into a bucket of paint.
- Your father will fall into a bucket of paint.
1763
01:37:34,280 --> 01:37:37,159
Wow. You and me.
1764
01:37:37,960 --> 01:37:40,031
We have a connection, Joe Dirt.
1765
01:37:40,120 --> 01:37:41,270
We used to always say that.
1766
01:37:41,520 --> 01:37:45,275
I say it all the time to our kids...
To, uh... To my kids.
1767
01:37:46,440 --> 01:37:49,512
Kiss me, Brandy. Like you mean it, girl.
1768
01:37:50,160 --> 01:37:53,232
Don't be halfway with me no more, Brandy.
1769
01:37:53,360 --> 01:37:56,956
Okay, that's it. Show's over, everybody.
Stop it right there, that's enough.
1770
01:37:57,080 --> 01:37:58,639
- What are you doing?
- What the hell?
1771
01:37:58,720 --> 01:37:59,790
What are you, queer?
1772
01:38:00,320 --> 01:38:01,356
Hey,
1773
01:38:01,760 --> 01:38:04,116
Brandy, in another life we get married,
we fall in love.
1774
01:38:04,320 --> 01:38:07,392
We have 3 beautiful kids,
Cheyenne, Abilene and Dakota.
1775
01:38:08,440 --> 01:38:10,272
Those are such sweet names.
1776
01:38:10,360 --> 01:38:11,760
Well, that's because you picked them.
1777
01:38:11,840 --> 01:38:13,832
- I picked dumb names.
- Stay on topic, Joe.
1778
01:38:13,920 --> 01:38:16,879
Oh, man, you scare me because you
come out of nowhere sometimes.
1779
01:38:16,960 --> 01:38:19,555
Tell her. Tell her what you've learned.
1780
01:38:19,640 --> 01:38:21,472
- Tell her how you feel now.
- Oh, yeah. Okay.
1781
01:38:21,600 --> 01:38:22,750
I think I got it.
1782
01:38:22,880 --> 01:38:24,314
- Who's he talking to?
- I don't know.
1783
01:38:24,400 --> 01:38:26,995
All right, Brandy. Me and you was together.
1784
01:38:27,240 --> 01:38:29,391
And everything was going great,
and we was really happy.
1785
01:38:29,480 --> 01:38:32,552
And then something terrible happened,
and I got taken away from you and the kids,
1786
01:38:32,640 --> 01:38:36,554
and then now,
I think I'm sent back to learn a lesson
1787
01:38:37,040 --> 01:38:39,680
- that if I have money...
- Oh, what the hell!
1788
01:38:39,800 --> 01:38:43,840
Come on! Damn it, Joe,
you still don't get it?
1789
01:38:44,920 --> 01:38:47,992
Look, they told me you were dumb,
but it's almost like you're an
1790
01:38:48,080 --> 01:38:50,549
"I'm joking" kind of dumb.
Look, I give up here.
1791
01:38:50,720 --> 01:38:52,439
I guess I'm not going to get my wings
1792
01:38:52,520 --> 01:38:55,035
and I'm never going to hear
that beautiful sound.
1793
01:38:55,720 --> 01:38:56,870
What sound?
1794
01:38:56,960 --> 01:39:00,431
Well, you hear a certain kind of clang
when an angel gets its wings. Whatever.
1795
01:39:00,520 --> 01:39:02,557
- I, look...
- Oh, wait.
1796
01:39:02,640 --> 01:39:06,156
When an angel gets its wings? That's from
a movie or something, like a TV show?
1797
01:39:06,280 --> 01:39:07,794
Shut up, dude!
1798
01:39:08,280 --> 01:39:10,636
You're seriously bumming out the vibe
in this room.
1799
01:39:10,960 --> 01:39:14,078
Brandy here had a monsoon in her panties,
thinking about me.
1800
01:39:14,360 --> 01:39:17,319
And then you walk in here not remembering
lines from It's a Wonderful Life.
1801
01:39:17,400 --> 01:39:18,436
That's it.
1802
01:39:18,520 --> 01:39:21,399
I'm trying to get down,
and you're getting me down.
1803
01:39:24,360 --> 01:39:27,000
Look, this is just too confusing.
1804
01:39:27,240 --> 01:39:28,356
I've had too much to drink.
1805
01:39:29,160 --> 01:39:30,389
I got to go.
1806
01:39:31,840 --> 01:39:33,194
- I got to go.
- Let me... Can I talk...
1807
01:39:34,360 --> 01:39:35,430
What did you do?
1808
01:39:39,680 --> 01:39:42,149
Brandy, I think I know what I'm supposed
to know now.
1809
01:39:42,240 --> 01:39:43,390
I'm going to be different!
1810
01:39:43,560 --> 01:39:45,392
I don't know what you're saying,
just please stop.
1811
01:39:46,040 --> 01:39:47,554
I'm married to Jimmy.
1812
01:39:48,040 --> 01:39:50,555
But he doesn't feel like
he's married to me.
1813
01:39:51,400 --> 01:39:54,518
My life feels like it is
spinning out of control.
1814
01:39:56,920 --> 01:39:58,240
Goodbye, Joe Dirt.
1815
01:40:03,120 --> 01:40:04,440
Well, that went great.
1816
01:40:05,880 --> 01:40:09,078
I don't know what's going on anymore, man.
I don't know what I'm supposed to learn.
1817
01:40:09,560 --> 01:40:10,755
Well, you're not very bright.
1818
01:40:11,080 --> 01:40:13,231
Come on, I ain't no toaster scientist.
1819
01:40:13,360 --> 01:40:15,591
What am I supposed to learn?
I bench 150 on a good day.
1820
01:40:16,120 --> 01:40:18,919
The fact that I'm supposed to memorize
a spark-plug gap
1821
01:40:19,240 --> 01:40:20,959
on a Plymouth 383?
1822
01:40:21,920 --> 01:40:23,639
I don't know. I just want my old life back.
1823
01:40:23,760 --> 01:40:24,910
150's not that great.
1824
01:40:26,560 --> 01:40:27,880
Hey, Clair.
1825
01:40:28,040 --> 01:40:30,509
Hey, wait, you're that woman that yelled
at me on the bus bench.
1826
01:40:30,600 --> 01:40:32,592
That's right. You fart-eater.
1827
01:40:32,880 --> 01:40:37,238
I'm the good witch. I'm the one
that sent this hunky angel to you.
1828
01:40:37,440 --> 01:40:40,000
- No offence, Clair.
- No offence? Really? Okay.
1829
01:40:40,080 --> 01:40:44,154
He's like that angel that saved that
cracker-ass Jimmy Stewart.
1830
01:40:44,280 --> 01:40:46,590
And helped that white, racist-ass town.
1831
01:40:46,760 --> 01:40:50,800
Tell me something, how come they don't
ever have any angels to save a black town?
1832
01:40:51,000 --> 01:40:53,515
You don't think black towns could
use some help once in a while?
1833
01:40:53,800 --> 01:40:57,316
You ever seen Detroit?
That town is sucking some misery dick.
1834
01:40:57,600 --> 01:41:01,355
How come them bitches in Hollywood don't
throw us a bone every once in a while?
1835
01:41:01,960 --> 01:41:03,314
Wait a second, you're the good witch?
1836
01:41:03,920 --> 01:41:07,550
Well, maybe you should
work on your, like, presentation,
1837
01:41:07,640 --> 01:41:09,597
because it comes off a little
rough around the edges.
1838
01:41:10,120 --> 01:41:11,634
But I have to say, ma'am,
with all due respect,
1839
01:41:12,160 --> 01:41:13,992
this is who I am. I'm Joe Dirt.
1840
01:41:14,480 --> 01:41:15,960
Okay? And I'm fine with it.
1841
01:41:16,120 --> 01:41:18,112
I'm not mean to other people like you are.
1842
01:41:18,360 --> 01:41:21,000
In fact, I made some money
with this guy, Clem,
1843
01:41:21,320 --> 01:41:23,152
and if you need it for that city, Detroit,
1844
01:41:23,560 --> 01:41:25,950
then you could have it all to help them.
I don't care.
1845
01:41:26,840 --> 01:41:30,072
Because I thought it was about being rich,
and showing my family I had a lot of money,
1846
01:41:30,160 --> 01:41:32,152
and being famous like Lynyrd Skynyrd,
1847
01:41:33,000 --> 01:41:34,036
but that don't matter.
1848
01:41:35,840 --> 01:41:39,151
It's about me being me. Just me.
1849
01:41:39,880 --> 01:41:40,996
And I'm okay with that.
1850
01:41:41,960 --> 01:41:43,110
And they're okay with that.
1851
01:41:44,760 --> 01:41:47,912
- Well I'll be dipped in shit.
- Holy hell, he gets it.
1852
01:41:48,600 --> 01:41:49,716
What? What happened?
1853
01:41:50,040 --> 01:41:51,315
You got it, Joe Dirt.
1854
01:41:51,560 --> 01:41:54,200
- You learned your lesson.
- Yeah, you're going home, Joe.
1855
01:41:54,680 --> 01:41:56,194
You're going home. You know, uh...
1856
01:41:57,360 --> 01:41:59,397
I was Foggle, did you know that?
1857
01:41:59,520 --> 01:42:03,036
You was Foggle? Oh, wait,
you're both sort of, like, homophobic.
1858
01:42:03,120 --> 01:42:04,120
Maybe, yeah, I see it.
1859
01:42:04,200 --> 01:42:06,715
Well, I was acting,
and I made some interesting choices.
1860
01:42:06,840 --> 01:42:08,354
Well, a little big at first,
1861
01:42:08,440 --> 01:42:10,636
but I thought I reeled him in.
I had to be convincing.
1862
01:42:10,720 --> 01:42:13,315
- Those guy would have raped me...
- Oh, fuck that acting shit!
1863
01:42:13,520 --> 01:42:14,874
This boy's going home.
1864
01:42:15,040 --> 01:42:18,397
Click those boots together, Joe Dirt,
you know what to say.
1865
01:42:18,480 --> 01:42:20,233
I just say, "There ain't
no place like home"?
1866
01:42:20,400 --> 01:42:22,551
Joe, I want to thank you
for giving my wings.
1867
01:42:23,280 --> 01:42:24,396
You got your wings?
1868
01:42:24,560 --> 01:42:25,880
I did. Well, I'm going to get them now.
1869
01:42:26,560 --> 01:42:28,392
- Am I supposed to hear a clang?
- You will.
1870
01:42:31,120 --> 01:42:32,315
Daddy...
1871
01:42:32,400 --> 01:42:35,472
You're the most handsomest man
that I have ever seen.
1872
01:42:35,560 --> 01:42:37,870
Your dance with Joe Dirt is done.
1873
01:42:38,480 --> 01:42:39,914
Life's a garden, dig it.
1874
01:42:40,040 --> 01:42:41,110
When are you coming back?
1875
01:42:41,200 --> 01:42:43,556
- Home is where you make it.
- You like to see homos naked?
1876
01:42:43,640 --> 01:42:47,031
No, no, no, no. Home is where you make it.
1877
01:42:51,000 --> 01:42:53,515
Ain't nothing like home.
Ain't nothing like home.
1878
01:42:53,760 --> 01:42:55,399
Joe! Wake up!
1879
01:42:55,600 --> 01:42:56,600
- Joe?
- Brandy!
1880
01:42:57,640 --> 01:42:58,915
Is this a dream?
1881
01:42:59,160 --> 01:43:00,230
Is this a dream again?
1882
01:43:00,680 --> 01:43:03,149
No, it's real! Get over here. Oh, come on!
1883
01:43:03,600 --> 01:43:05,000
Where have you guys been?
1884
01:43:05,120 --> 01:43:06,120
Oh!
1885
01:43:07,000 --> 01:43:09,595
I missed you! Look at you, huh?
1886
01:43:14,320 --> 01:43:16,232
- Hey!
- Hey, baby.
1887
01:43:17,160 --> 01:43:19,311
I think it's good.
Oh, my God!
1888
01:43:19,920 --> 01:43:22,196
- I know, I gotta get 'em.
- Get his stick!
1889
01:43:24,960 --> 01:43:26,189
Come on, you little hicks.
1890
01:43:27,840 --> 01:43:30,833
So that is the whole story, it's crazy.
1891
01:43:30,920 --> 01:43:33,355
Joe, we love you just the way you are.
1892
01:43:33,800 --> 01:43:35,154
We do, Daddy!
1893
01:43:35,320 --> 01:43:36,356
We love you!
1894
01:43:36,480 --> 01:43:40,190
We wouldn't trade you for any other Daddy
in the whole wide world.
1895
01:43:40,280 --> 01:43:42,670
Did you practice that? It sounds too good.
1896
01:43:42,760 --> 01:43:43,760
No.
1897
01:43:43,840 --> 01:43:45,274
Hold up, hold up.
1898
01:43:46,280 --> 01:43:48,192
Wait a second, this looks familiar.
1899
01:43:48,640 --> 01:43:49,640
What's wrong?
1900
01:43:49,760 --> 01:43:51,240
There's no way.
1901
01:43:51,720 --> 01:43:54,155
That was all a dream.
It doesn't matter, never mind.
1902
01:43:54,960 --> 01:43:56,030
What is it, Daddy?
1903
01:43:56,360 --> 01:43:57,476
It...
1904
01:43:58,040 --> 01:43:59,952
Whoa, can't you see
1905
01:44:00,640 --> 01:44:03,030
What that woman, Lord
1906
01:44:03,120 --> 01:44:05,237
She been doin' to me
1907
01:44:06,800 --> 01:44:08,519
Can't you see
1908
01:44:09,480 --> 01:44:11,278
Can't you see
1909
01:44:12,360 --> 01:44:14,033
What that woman
1910
01:44:14,840 --> 01:44:16,877
She been doin' to me
1911
01:44:18,200 --> 01:44:20,317
Babe, we're rich.
1912
01:44:20,960 --> 01:44:24,192
Rich? Why, you've always
been rich, Joe Dirt.
1913
01:44:24,840 --> 01:44:27,309
You just needed to find
that out for yourself.
1914
01:44:30,000 --> 01:44:31,434
Ooh!
1915
01:44:31,520 --> 01:44:33,591
Daddy and Mommy!
1916
01:44:33,800 --> 01:44:35,951
Ha-ha! That's right! Whoo!
1917
01:44:36,680 --> 01:44:38,512
Mommy likes me. Come on, let's go.
1918
01:44:39,240 --> 01:44:40,469
Come on, babies.
1919
01:44:41,520 --> 01:44:43,159
Can't you see
1920
01:44:44,880 --> 01:44:46,792
Oh, can't you see
1921
01:44:47,360 --> 01:44:49,716
What that woman, Lord
1922
01:44:49,800 --> 01:44:52,031
She been doin' to me
1923
01:44:53,200 --> 01:44:54,998
Can't you see
1924
01:44:56,160 --> 01:44:57,799
Can't you see
1925
01:44:59,160 --> 01:45:01,516
What that woman
1926
01:45:01,600 --> 01:45:03,080
She been doin' to me
1927
01:45:09,080 --> 01:45:12,232
He's got a backhoe
it's Caterpillar yellow
1928
01:45:12,320 --> 01:45:15,552
He's a heller of a feller
a drinking storyteller, with a DUI
1929
01:45:15,640 --> 01:45:17,154
He's illegal to drive
1930
01:45:17,240 --> 01:45:19,880
But he legally drinks
and gets illegally high
1931
01:45:20,560 --> 01:45:25,077
One night, while he's up in the sky
he looked at that backhoe, asked himself
1932
01:45:25,360 --> 01:45:26,360
"Why not?"
1933
01:45:26,480 --> 01:45:30,838
I'm going to drive that thing
It's a loophole, man, the DUI don't pertain
1934
01:45:30,960 --> 01:45:35,034
I'm only driving to the bar
down on Main Street
1935
01:45:35,240 --> 01:45:38,153
Now he's digging
1936
01:45:38,240 --> 01:45:40,960
Got a hot little honey
hanging out of that cab
1937
01:45:41,040 --> 01:45:43,077
Just digging
1938
01:45:43,160 --> 01:45:46,232
Got the windows tinted
and a bass tune hitting
1939
01:45:46,440 --> 01:45:47,874
Digging!
1940
01:45:48,680 --> 01:45:51,593
Creeping past the po-po, incognito
1941
01:45:51,680 --> 01:45:54,320
Like Joe Dirt, that's how he's living
1942
01:45:54,440 --> 01:45:57,592
Life's a garden, man
and he's just digging
1943
01:46:06,600 --> 01:46:09,559
Wearing a cat hat with a meow-meow kitty
1944
01:46:09,640 --> 01:46:11,791
Rolls up in the club, pimpin' like Diddy
1945
01:46:11,880 --> 01:46:14,793
With the beer tipping
Just sippin' on suds
1946
01:46:14,920 --> 01:46:16,991
Putting shots back
and tripping with his buds
1947
01:46:17,080 --> 01:46:18,080
No, thank you.
1948
01:46:18,720 --> 01:46:19,756
Whoo!
1949
01:46:19,960 --> 01:46:23,920
Old comic books in mint condition
for 10 cents apiece.
1950
01:46:24,320 --> 01:46:25,320
Give old...
1951
01:46:28,400 --> 01:46:31,711
Well, long story short, we stomped
those 3 dudes so hard
1952
01:46:31,800 --> 01:46:33,678
they got to take their boots off to piss.
1953
01:46:37,800 --> 01:46:40,110
Anyway, this... Motherfucker!
1954
01:46:40,280 --> 01:46:42,192
Seriously? Seriously?
1955
01:46:42,280 --> 01:46:45,352
- What, is it 2015?
- Oh, my God.
1956
01:46:45,720 --> 01:46:48,918
I thought I had this turned off.
This is embarrassing.
1957
01:46:50,280 --> 01:46:53,318
Joe, I want to talk to you.
1958
01:46:55,320 --> 01:46:59,633
I like you. You have funny
hair, but I like you.
1959
01:47:00,200 --> 01:47:01,600
Yeah, yeah.
1960
01:47:01,680 --> 01:47:03,319
Hey, funny guy.
1961
01:47:09,760 --> 01:47:12,514
As a matter of fact, if you want to
stay awake right now,
1962
01:47:12,640 --> 01:47:15,280
you'll still be on the road,
in the middle of nowhere.
1963
01:47:15,360 --> 01:47:16,714
Your call. REM.
1964
01:47:22,640 --> 01:47:24,040
That's so stupid.
1965
01:47:24,680 --> 01:47:25,680
No, thank you.
1966
01:47:26,520 --> 01:47:31,356
Oh, man, old comic books in mint condition
for 10 cents apiece.
1967
01:47:32,560 --> 01:47:36,713
You give old Joe Dirt lemonade,
he's gonna give you... Fuck you!
1968
01:47:38,000 --> 01:47:39,400
One more, then I gotta go to lunch.
1969
01:47:40,200 --> 01:47:42,317
Wait, you're twisting stuff.
Like I say something,
1970
01:47:42,400 --> 01:47:43,550
and then you say it back different.
1971
01:47:43,640 --> 01:47:45,871
You're supposed to be
a nice guardian angel, like...
1972
01:47:46,080 --> 01:47:47,719
I don't picture people like you.
1973
01:47:48,440 --> 01:47:50,193
- Anyway, I don't get horny by...
- Let's go.
1974
01:47:52,000 --> 01:47:53,673
I don't get horny... I'm gonna get it out.
1975
01:47:53,960 --> 01:47:58,591
I don't get horny from animal sex.
But I like Jessica Rabbit.
1976
01:47:59,360 --> 01:48:01,033
- Really?
- She's fuckable, yeah.
1977
01:48:01,160 --> 01:48:03,720
- I kind of get a gay vibe from you.
- Yeah, I've heard that.
1978
01:48:06,880 --> 01:48:08,360
Can someone open this for me?
1979
01:48:09,080 --> 01:48:10,514
Did somebody fart on this?
1980
01:48:11,400 --> 01:48:12,400
What did I do?
1981
01:48:13,400 --> 01:48:16,757
What? Those two farts were accidents.
Wait. No. What?
1982
01:48:17,840 --> 01:48:19,832
"Wait. No. What?"
1983
01:48:20,840 --> 01:48:23,958
What? I have a medical condition.
They did it on purpose.
1984
01:48:27,600 --> 01:48:29,478
Fine. I don't even work here.
1985
01:48:32,080 --> 01:48:35,835
Stuff you actually made up to sound cool
because you were on shrooms,
1986
01:48:35,920 --> 01:48:38,310
but actually makes you
sound like a dipshit.
1987
01:48:38,680 --> 01:48:39,955
So I'm gonna say no.
1988
01:48:40,480 --> 01:48:44,440
Hey, John. I'm up here at Load C. Some
asshole went diarrhea all over the seat.
1989
01:48:44,760 --> 01:48:47,275
Copy that. When can you start?
1990
01:48:51,520 --> 01:48:53,113
- Laugh like me.
- Okay.
1991
01:48:58,200 --> 01:49:00,431
- All right.
- Oh, we're good? Okay.
1992
01:49:04,960 --> 01:49:08,271
- That's it. Cut.
- That's a cut.