1
00:01:47,916 --> 00:01:49,334
I'll take him.
2
00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:24,995
Jimmy MacElroy. The crowd swooning
as he comes out of that spin flawlessly.
3
00:02:25,621 --> 00:02:29,041
They are giving him the love
and he is giving it right back.
4
00:02:34,338 --> 00:02:36,006
Here it comes.
5
00:02:36,131 --> 00:02:38,008
And he nails it!
6
00:02:41,053 --> 00:02:42,721
It's the best he's been.
7
00:02:45,182 --> 00:02:47,017
Now there's the arm.
8
00:02:47,559 --> 00:02:48,936
And you know what that means.
9
00:02:49,061 --> 00:02:52,272
Yes. The galloping peacock.
And look at him getting air on that.
10
00:02:52,398 --> 00:02:55,526
Flawless. Just textbook perfection.
11
00:02:57,736 --> 00:03:00,447
There are very few women
in the history of this sport
12
00:03:00,572 --> 00:03:02,783
that skate with this kind of beauty.
13
00:03:03,242 --> 00:03:05,244
Come on, Jimmy. Nail it!
14
00:03:07,871 --> 00:03:10,958
Ending the programme
showing his flexibility.
15
00:03:12,126 --> 00:03:14,211
What a great effort!
16
00:03:19,550 --> 00:03:21,301
He couldn't skate any better than that.
17
00:03:21,427 --> 00:03:24,138
The performance of a lifetime,
Jimmy MacElroy!
18
00:03:24,263 --> 00:03:26,765
Elegant with
machine-like technical precision.
19
00:03:26,890 --> 00:03:27,891
And there it is.
20
00:03:28,017 --> 00:03:31,645
So important to remember that
that dove was in his suit the whole time.
21
00:03:31,770 --> 00:03:33,981
Jimmy's renowned
for his personal hygiene, Scott.
22
00:03:34,106 --> 00:03:36,816
But after that performance,
he's starting to reek of gold.
23
00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:37,151
But after that performance,
he's starting to reek of gold.
24
00:03:37,276 --> 00:03:39,069
While the judges decide Jimmy's fate,
25
00:03:39,194 --> 00:03:41,780
let's take a look
at this exceptional young skater.
26
00:03:42,614 --> 00:03:44,283
He is a child of privilege.
27
00:03:44,408 --> 00:03:47,077
A classic skater defined
by elegance, precision
28
00:03:47,202 --> 00:03:49,413
and an ability to endure great pain.
29
00:03:49,788 --> 00:03:51,790
He was plucked from an orphanage
at age four
30
00:03:51,915 --> 00:03:54,501
by billionaire champion-maker,
Darren MacElroy.
31
00:03:54,918 --> 00:03:58,005
Once a breeder of some of the most
successful racehorses in the world,
32
00:03:58,130 --> 00:03:59,298
Darren had turned his attention
33
00:03:59,423 --> 00:04:02,176
to nurturing athletically advanced
human orphans.
34
00:04:02,301 --> 00:04:06,597
His ultimate find came in the form
of skating wunderkind, Jimmy.
35
00:04:06,722 --> 00:04:09,183
I guess I had a pretty normal childhood.
36
00:04:09,808 --> 00:04:11,268
With his father's state of the art,
37
00:04:11,393 --> 00:04:13,771
some say questionable,
training methods,
38
00:04:13,896 --> 00:04:18,025
this child prodigy
was forged into an über skater.
39
00:04:19,526 --> 00:04:21,111
Soon, Jimmy was sweeping the gold
40
00:04:21,236 --> 00:04:24,156
while his trademark Jimmy curl
was sweeping the nation,
41
00:04:24,281 --> 00:04:27,659
with kids of all ages fashion drafting
right behind their idol.
42
00:04:27,785 --> 00:04:30,079
A champion, an icon, a giver.
43
00:04:30,454 --> 00:04:34,083
Jimmy MacElroy,
skating's Little Orphan Awesome.
44
00:04:37,127 --> 00:04:39,671
- Well, Coach?
- You nailed it, Jimmy. You nailed it.
45
00:04:39,797 --> 00:04:42,424
You nailed it shut.
Every move exactly like I showed you.
46
00:04:42,549 --> 00:04:44,051
I am so proud of you.
47
00:04:44,176 --> 00:04:46,637
Thanks. Dad, what'd you think?
48
00:04:46,762 --> 00:04:49,348
Decided on our own to do
a little flourish off the triple, did we?
49
00:04:49,473 --> 00:04:51,725
Look, I knew I had it.
I just felt like it needed a little...
50
00:04:51,850 --> 00:04:55,479
Feeling? We're feeling now?
What are you teaching this boy?
51
00:04:55,604 --> 00:04:56,647
Jimmy!
52
00:04:56,772 --> 00:05:00,818
I sent you a cup of my blood!
Did you get my blood? Jimmy!
53
00:05:00,943 --> 00:05:02,861
Please don't encourage them. Come on.
54
00:05:02,986 --> 00:05:04,029
Move!
55
00:05:04,154 --> 00:05:05,531
They may look cute and innocent
but they're nothing
56
00:05:05,656 --> 00:05:07,449
but a beehive for germs and bacteria.
57
00:05:07,574 --> 00:05:10,869
- Remember the slides I showed you?
- But they're beautiful.
58
00:05:11,453 --> 00:05:14,039
You smell like a winner!
You want to smell like...
59
00:05:14,164 --> 00:05:15,749
- Ladies and gentlemen...
- Jimmy!
60
00:05:15,874 --> 00:05:17,418
- I'll call you!
- ...the judges' scores are:
61
00:05:17,543 --> 00:05:22,589
5.9, 5.9, 6.0,
62
00:05:22,715 --> 00:05:27,010
5.9, 6.0, 5.8.
63
00:05:27,136 --> 00:05:29,805
All right, not bad, not bad.
As long as that 5.8 doesn't kill us.
64
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:31,181
Hands.
65
00:05:31,890 --> 00:05:33,183
Skittles.
66
00:05:35,269 --> 00:05:38,272
Hey, MacElroy. Was that your routine?
67
00:05:38,397 --> 00:05:41,191
Or a performance
of Cirque du So-lame?
68
00:05:41,316 --> 00:05:42,317
Besides, you're too late.
69
00:05:42,443 --> 00:05:44,111
They already handed out
the girls' medals this morning.
70
00:05:44,236 --> 00:05:45,279
Shut up, Michaels.
71
00:05:45,404 --> 00:05:49,116
That was textbook execution.
Same scores I beat you with in Oslo.
72
00:05:49,241 --> 00:05:51,827
I was on Quaaludes.
I don't even remember Oslo.
73
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:53,328
But I remember Boston,
74
00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:55,456
and that victory was
as sweet as the cream pie
75
00:05:55,581 --> 00:05:57,082
for which the town was named.
76
00:06:00,169 --> 00:06:03,714
Step aside, home school.
There's a new sheriff in town.
77
00:06:05,549 --> 00:06:06,717
Chazz!
78
00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:15,184
There he is. Skating's outlaw,
Chazz Michael Michaels.
79
00:06:19,855 --> 00:06:24,777
This cowboy is cracking his whip on the
haunch of this crowd, and they love it!
80
00:06:29,114 --> 00:06:31,909
How do you describe
something like that?
81
00:06:35,537 --> 00:06:40,751
He just uses everything at his disposal.
The movement, the music.
82
00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:46,715
And he just nails the triple Axel!
83
00:06:49,343 --> 00:06:51,470
Surfing a tsunami of swagger right now.
84
00:06:51,595 --> 00:06:54,348
Well, you know he is sex on ice.
85
00:07:05,067 --> 00:07:09,279
Hello, ladies. Typical of Michaels,
it's not enough just to win.
86
00:07:09,405 --> 00:07:11,990
He wants to make love to the crowd.
87
00:07:14,493 --> 00:07:16,161
That's why those seats are so valuable.
88
00:07:16,286 --> 00:07:19,164
That's what they want
from Chazz Michael Michaels.
89
00:07:28,716 --> 00:07:31,969
Michaels just slipped MacElroy
a very public note.
90
00:07:32,094 --> 00:07:34,471
You have been called out, sir.
91
00:07:42,813 --> 00:07:44,273
You're welcome, Stockholm.
92
00:07:44,398 --> 00:07:46,900
Unreal. An instant classic.
93
00:07:47,026 --> 00:07:48,861
Just when you think you've seen it all,
94
00:07:48,986 --> 00:07:52,448
Chazz Michael Michaels walks in
with the unrated version.
95
00:07:52,573 --> 00:07:55,826
The undefeatable underdog,
ice skating's backdoor lover,
96
00:07:55,951 --> 00:07:59,079
Chazz Michael Michaels has come
in here and captivated this arena
97
00:07:59,204 --> 00:08:01,415
like a stack of classic Euro porn.
98
00:08:01,540 --> 00:08:03,459
And so while his scores
are being tabulated,
99
00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:07,337
let's learn a little bit more
about skating's Leather-clad Lothario.
100
00:08:09,423 --> 00:08:13,469
Chazz Michael Michaels,
an ice-devouring sex tornado.
101
00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:15,804
Spawned in the hell-fires of Motown.
102
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:17,014
Troubled childhood?
103
00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:21,268
If you call being a nine-year-old kid
with a 35-year-old girlfriend troubled.
104
00:08:21,393 --> 00:08:25,230
At age 12, Chazz escaped a life of
running cigarettes and illegal fireworks
105
00:08:25,356 --> 00:08:29,735
by becoming a star in Detroit's
underground sewer skating scene.
106
00:08:29,902 --> 00:08:33,739
The only skater to win four national
championships and an adult film award,
107
00:08:33,864 --> 00:08:38,160
which is not to say this rough-hewn
heartthrob doesn't have a softer side.
108
00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:41,955
He recently published a book of poetry,
Let Me Put My Poems in You.
109
00:08:42,247 --> 00:08:44,500
Before a big competition,
I like to work with leather.
110
00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:46,794
The Native Americans always said
111
00:08:46,919 --> 00:08:49,797
that working with hides and pelts
releases the soul.
112
00:08:49,922 --> 00:08:52,383
These are a couple of diaper bags
I made for Faith Hill.
113
00:08:53,592 --> 00:08:55,427
Two men, only one winner.
114
00:08:55,552 --> 00:08:57,888
Will it be Chazz Michael Michaels?
115
00:08:58,013 --> 00:09:00,808
Personal philosophy: Clothing optional.
116
00:09:03,352 --> 00:09:06,438
Hope you brought your silver polish,
MacElroy, 'cause that was gold.
117
00:09:06,563 --> 00:09:07,940
That was disgusting.
118
00:09:08,065 --> 00:09:10,067
That, young man,
is how babies are made.
119
00:09:10,192 --> 00:09:12,486
- Get out of my face.
- I'll get inside your face.
120
00:09:12,611 --> 00:09:13,654
Mr Michael Michaels,
121
00:09:13,779 --> 00:09:15,656
please gather your coach,
family, and friends
122
00:09:15,781 --> 00:09:17,658
and move to the bench
to await your scores.
123
00:09:17,783 --> 00:09:20,869
Hey, traffic cop. Get this straight.
I don't have a coach. I don't need one.
124
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:24,957
And as for friends and family,
Chazz Michael Michaels walks alone.
125
00:09:25,082 --> 00:09:28,711
That's why they call me the Lone Wolf,
on my back there.
126
00:09:28,836 --> 00:09:33,590
5.9, 5.9, 6.0...
127
00:09:33,716 --> 00:09:34,925
That's what I'm talking about.
128
00:09:35,050 --> 00:09:37,678
5.9, 6.0...
129
00:09:37,803 --> 00:09:39,346
Another 6.0.
130
00:09:39,471 --> 00:09:40,639
...5.8.
131
00:09:40,764 --> 00:09:42,224
Was it good for you, Stockholm?
132
00:09:42,349 --> 00:09:45,019
'Cause it was good for me.
Let's have a smoke.
133
00:09:45,477 --> 00:09:46,562
Eat that, MacElroy.
134
00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:49,523
Those were the same scores
I got, Einstein. We're tied.
135
00:09:49,648 --> 00:09:52,693
- Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie.
- You're high.
136
00:09:52,818 --> 00:09:54,987
From the United States,
Jimmy MacElroy
137
00:09:55,112 --> 00:09:58,032
and Chazz Michael Michaels.
138
00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:01,827
You're fired.
139
00:10:01,952 --> 00:10:03,912
What? I brought you a gold medal.
140
00:10:04,038 --> 00:10:05,539
No, you brought me half a gold medal.
141
00:10:05,664 --> 00:10:09,418
If I wanted him to share,
I'd have bought him a brother.
142
00:10:09,543 --> 00:10:13,172
It's raining men in the men's singles.
Men wearing gold, that is.
143
00:10:13,297 --> 00:10:16,592
And they join Team USA's
other gold medallists,
144
00:10:16,717 --> 00:10:19,720
the pairs team of
Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg.
145
00:10:20,971 --> 00:10:23,682
Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg,
146
00:10:23,807 --> 00:10:26,602
America's brother and sister darlings,
147
00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:29,813
the gold standard
of pairs figure skating.
148
00:10:30,272 --> 00:10:32,691
Children of
beloved Swiss skiing gold medallists,
149
00:10:32,816 --> 00:10:34,610
Otto and Ella Van Waldenberg,
150
00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:39,573
the twin dynamos Stranz and Fairchild
burst out of the womb and onto the ice
151
00:10:39,698 --> 00:10:42,576
while their sister, Katie,
cheered from the sidelines.
152
00:10:42,701 --> 00:10:47,748
Theirs seemed to be a charmed life
until March 14th, 1987
153
00:10:48,374 --> 00:10:51,168
when their parents died tragically
in a car crash.
154
00:10:51,377 --> 00:10:52,961
Katie would survive.
155
00:10:53,087 --> 00:10:56,256
The world wondered, had Stranz
and Fairchild gone into a layback spin
156
00:10:56,382 --> 00:10:58,258
from which they could never recover?
157
00:10:58,384 --> 00:10:59,885
But the siblings' commitment was such
158
00:11:00,010 --> 00:11:03,263
that they were back in the training rink
within hours of the funeral.
159
00:11:03,389 --> 00:11:06,517
So tonight, the crowd cheers
on their beloved Van Waldenbergs.
160
00:11:06,642 --> 00:11:08,143
Well, Stranz and Fairchild,
161
00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:10,354
how heavy is that gold
around your necks?
162
00:11:10,479 --> 00:11:14,358
Scott, this may be solid gold
but to us it's lighter than air
163
00:11:14,483 --> 00:11:16,402
because dreams never weigh you down.
164
00:11:16,527 --> 00:11:18,404
No. Dreams are in your sleep.
165
00:11:18,529 --> 00:11:21,407
What about the amazing
Michaels and MacElroy?
166
00:11:21,532 --> 00:11:23,033
Two gold medals?
167
00:11:23,158 --> 00:11:26,036
Yeah. That's great.
168
00:11:26,161 --> 00:11:27,371
Well, speaking of gold medals,
169
00:11:27,496 --> 00:11:28,580
the winners of the men's singles
170
00:11:28,706 --> 00:11:31,875
are taking their place
at the podium right now.
171
00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:41,051
This has to be a proud moment
for Michaels and MacElroy.
172
00:11:41,176 --> 00:11:43,804
You have to think, the only thing
sweeter than winning a gold medal
173
00:11:43,929 --> 00:11:46,140
is sharing it
with your fellow countryman.
174
00:11:46,265 --> 00:11:47,307
Gosh, I'm getting sick.
175
00:11:47,433 --> 00:11:49,059
You smell like
aftershave and taco meat.
176
00:11:49,184 --> 00:11:51,812
Yes, I do. Now scoot over.
177
00:11:51,937 --> 00:11:54,148
Don't touch me. Nobody touches me.
178
00:11:54,273 --> 00:11:55,774
- Just scoot over, man.
- Don't.
179
00:11:55,899 --> 00:11:57,234
- Just scoot over.
- You scoot over.
180
00:11:57,359 --> 00:11:59,111
Now there's some jostling
atop the podium
181
00:11:59,236 --> 00:12:01,822
and down goes
Chazz Michael Michaels.
182
00:12:02,364 --> 00:12:04,491
MacElroy still waving to the crowd.
183
00:12:04,908 --> 00:12:06,869
Look, MacElroy's also down now.
184
00:12:06,994 --> 00:12:09,121
I have never in all my years
seen anything
185
00:12:09,246 --> 00:12:11,081
this disgraceful on the world stage.
186
00:12:11,206 --> 00:12:13,792
I am stunned silent,
absolutely silent, Jim.
187
00:12:13,917 --> 00:12:16,462
You get that damned bird out of my face
before I break its neck.
188
00:12:16,587 --> 00:12:18,922
A perfect head butt!
Down goes MacElroy!
189
00:12:19,048 --> 00:12:20,924
And Spaetzle's aflame!
190
00:12:21,842 --> 00:12:24,136
Spaetzle! Oh, my God!
191
00:12:41,820 --> 00:12:44,615
As we prepare to hear testimony,
Michaels and MacElroy
192
00:12:44,740 --> 00:12:48,243
will be given a chance
to defend their actions at Stockholm...
193
00:12:54,666 --> 00:12:56,293
We love you, Jimmy.
194
00:12:58,045 --> 00:13:00,589
Hey. Nancy Kerrigan.
195
00:13:02,508 --> 00:13:03,884
You an official here?
196
00:13:04,009 --> 00:13:07,012
'Cause you have officially given me
a boner.
197
00:13:08,639 --> 00:13:11,892
I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear.
198
00:13:13,310 --> 00:13:17,314
It's a real disease with doctors
and medicine and everything.
199
00:13:18,190 --> 00:13:19,900
Let's get started, shall we?
200
00:13:20,025 --> 00:13:21,985
If either one of you would like
to make a statement
201
00:13:22,111 --> 00:13:24,613
before the commission
passes judgment,
202
00:13:24,738 --> 00:13:26,907
you may do so at this time.
203
00:13:28,826 --> 00:13:32,663
Fans, friends, esteemed members
of the committee,
204
00:13:33,330 --> 00:13:34,790
I don't know what I can say,
205
00:13:35,207 --> 00:13:37,167
but I pray you can all forgive me.
206
00:13:38,001 --> 00:13:40,879
More than that,
I pray the children can forgive me.
207
00:13:41,004 --> 00:13:42,089
Oh, my God.
208
00:13:42,214 --> 00:13:44,883
- I place my future in their tiny hands.
- That is retarded.
209
00:13:45,008 --> 00:13:48,971
God bless you. God bless everyone.
Thank you.
210
00:13:50,305 --> 00:13:52,850
God bless you, Jimmy.
God bless your heart.
211
00:13:55,227 --> 00:13:56,395
Maxim.
212
00:13:57,312 --> 00:13:58,439
Last issue.
213
00:13:59,273 --> 00:14:02,192
"Chazz Michael Michaels
is figure skating."
214
00:14:02,693 --> 00:14:03,861
Boom!
215
00:14:07,656 --> 00:14:09,700
All right, duly noted.
216
00:14:09,825 --> 00:14:14,496
In accordance with the rules of
the International Skating Federation,
217
00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:18,459
James MacElroy
and Charles Michael Michaels,
218
00:14:18,584 --> 00:14:20,794
you are to be stripped of your medals...
219
00:14:20,919 --> 00:14:21,962
What?
220
00:14:22,087 --> 00:14:26,050
...and banned from men's figure skating
for the remainder of your lives!
221
00:14:26,175 --> 00:14:28,302
Hey, you listen to me, old man!
222
00:14:29,261 --> 00:14:30,471
Oh, that sucks.
223
00:14:30,596 --> 00:14:32,097
Look what you did to my ex-wife!
224
00:14:32,222 --> 00:14:34,183
I'm gonna pop you
in the back of the head.
225
00:14:37,436 --> 00:14:40,064
Banned for life. That's a long time.
226
00:14:41,273 --> 00:14:44,818
Jimmy, it'll all work out.
227
00:14:44,943 --> 00:14:46,028
It's time for a fresh start.
228
00:14:46,153 --> 00:14:49,114
- Yeah, a fresh start. Exactly.
- Good. Jimmy,
229
00:14:51,367 --> 00:14:54,119
- I'm un-adopting you.
- What?
230
00:14:54,244 --> 00:14:55,746
I don't think un-adopting
is the right word.
231
00:14:55,871 --> 00:14:58,207
Legally, I'm disowning you.
232
00:14:58,665 --> 00:15:00,459
But it amounts to the same thing, so...
233
00:15:00,584 --> 00:15:02,669
But I've been your son for 26 years.
234
00:15:02,795 --> 00:15:05,756
Twenty-two, so nobody can say
I didn't try. We've had a good run.
235
00:15:05,881 --> 00:15:10,302
Now, I think it would be best for all of us
if we didn't drag this out. Clean break.
236
00:15:14,848 --> 00:15:17,518
It would make it easier for me, Jimmy,
if you left now.
237
00:15:17,643 --> 00:15:18,686
Wait!
238
00:15:18,811 --> 00:15:22,981
It's like a Band-Aid. Just rip it off.
We'll both feel better.
239
00:15:55,472 --> 00:15:58,308
Hey, everybody,
get your tickets for the second show.
240
00:15:59,018 --> 00:16:02,396
Second show tickets now available.
241
00:16:02,521 --> 00:16:07,901
♪ Tra-la-la-la, tra-la-la-la
We sing a grublet song ♪
242
00:16:08,027 --> 00:16:14,199
♪ We love to roam our woodsy home
Of greenery and scenery and song ♪
243
00:16:14,324 --> 00:16:18,954
♪ Tra-la-la-la, tra-la-la-la
A grublet sings along ♪
244
00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:20,497
Oh, God.
245
00:16:25,210 --> 00:16:26,712
I hate you.
246
00:16:31,425 --> 00:16:32,801
I hate my life.
247
00:16:32,926 --> 00:16:35,137
Oh, no! It's the evil wizard!
248
00:16:35,929 --> 00:16:37,056
Boo!
249
00:16:50,402 --> 00:16:54,281
I mean, I had it with skating
for the judges, you know?
250
00:16:54,406 --> 00:16:56,325
Just like, I don't need that.
251
00:16:56,450 --> 00:17:00,996
I mean, for me, it's so much
more satisfying to see the...
252
00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:04,583
The eyes of a small child,
seeing that wonder as they...
253
00:17:04,708 --> 00:17:08,337
They see you skate out there
with a big wizard head on, you know?
254
00:17:10,547 --> 00:17:12,299
Nice. Really nice.
255
00:17:12,716 --> 00:17:15,636
Hey, Sammy, it's not what it looks like.
256
00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:21,558
Sam. Sammy, come on, baby.
257
00:17:21,684 --> 00:17:23,769
You knew this was how I rolled
when you met me.
258
00:17:23,894 --> 00:17:26,438
No. When I met you,
you were a great figure skater.
259
00:17:26,563 --> 00:17:28,649
Now you're getting stoned
with the Woodland Fairies.
260
00:17:28,774 --> 00:17:30,150
I don't even know
who you are any more.
261
00:17:30,275 --> 00:17:31,694
You're living in the past, Sammy.
262
00:17:31,819 --> 00:17:33,070
Come on,
me and the Woodland Fairies,
263
00:17:33,195 --> 00:17:35,030
we're living in the here and now.
264
00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:37,741
And we're feeling so free.
Come on, join us.
265
00:17:39,660 --> 00:17:41,704
Baby. Come on, babe.
266
00:17:41,829 --> 00:17:45,416
Hey, Michaels, let's go. Lace up.
The fog machines are primed.
267
00:17:45,541 --> 00:17:48,001
Second show's
almost three-quarters full.
268
00:17:48,502 --> 00:17:50,462
- You drunk?
- No.
269
00:17:51,130 --> 00:17:53,173
But this ought to do it.
270
00:17:54,425 --> 00:17:56,051
I would fire you
271
00:17:56,969 --> 00:17:59,638
if you weren't so goddamn beautiful
out there.
272
00:18:00,639 --> 00:18:02,975
- You smell like urine.
- A lot?
273
00:18:03,684 --> 00:18:05,310
Get your head on.
274
00:18:11,275 --> 00:18:12,901
They don't feel right.
275
00:18:13,027 --> 00:18:14,528
That's because I'm not finished.
276
00:18:14,653 --> 00:18:18,323
You see, it helps to think of the laces
as belonging to three distinct groups.
277
00:18:18,449 --> 00:18:20,034
First, the foundation.
278
00:18:20,534 --> 00:18:21,827
They're too tight.
279
00:18:21,952 --> 00:18:24,288
Daddy! He's crushing me.
280
00:18:24,413 --> 00:18:26,707
Doing it right takes a little bit longer,
but it's worth it.
281
00:18:26,832 --> 00:18:30,044
Hey, what are you doing?
She said it's too tight.
282
00:18:30,169 --> 00:18:31,712
Well, but she's wrong.
283
00:18:31,837 --> 00:18:36,050
I mean, who are you gonna trust,
a little girl or Jimmy MacElroy?
284
00:18:36,175 --> 00:18:38,427
- Who the hell is Jimmy MacElroy?
- Is there a problem here, sir?
285
00:18:38,552 --> 00:18:40,929
Yeah, this kid is torturing
my daughter's foot.
286
00:18:41,055 --> 00:18:42,181
I'm so sorry, sir.
287
00:18:42,306 --> 00:18:46,685
You know what, Jimmy? Off the skates,
you're on stockroom duty, now. Let's go.
288
00:18:56,612 --> 00:18:58,030
Hey, Jimmy.
289
00:18:58,655 --> 00:18:59,907
Hector?
290
00:19:00,032 --> 00:19:01,241
What are you doing here?
291
00:19:01,367 --> 00:19:04,161
You know
I have a restraining order against you.
292
00:19:04,995 --> 00:19:06,538
Oh, that thing?
293
00:19:06,914 --> 00:19:10,709
You look great, Jimmy.
You look amazing. Your hair rocks.
294
00:19:10,834 --> 00:19:11,877
Thanks.
295
00:19:12,002 --> 00:19:14,463
You look so good. Oh, my gosh.
296
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:16,799
Do you look at yourself?
297
00:19:16,924 --> 00:19:21,720
I totally wanna cut off your skin and
wear it to my birthday. It's coming up.
298
00:19:21,845 --> 00:19:26,141
Yeah, listen, it's great to see you,
Hector, but I'm really busy right now.
299
00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:28,602
Okay, all right, I'm sorry.
I'll cut to the chase.
300
00:19:28,727 --> 00:19:30,979
- You gotta start skating again, Jimmy.
- What?
301
00:19:31,105 --> 00:19:33,732
It's embarrassing stalking a has-been,
you know what I mean?
302
00:19:33,857 --> 00:19:35,567
Look, I almost gave up on you.
303
00:19:35,693 --> 00:19:37,111
I started working
with that Ukrainian skater,
304
00:19:37,236 --> 00:19:38,779
you know the one that looks like Elvis?
305
00:19:38,904 --> 00:19:40,155
And I moved to the Ukraine
306
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:43,492
and it was cold and everyone had guns
and smelled like soup.
307
00:19:43,617 --> 00:19:47,746
I sympathise with you, Hector.
I really do, but there's nothing I can do.
308
00:19:47,871 --> 00:19:49,039
I'm banned for life.
309
00:19:49,164 --> 00:19:50,874
Don't be so sure.
310
00:19:51,250 --> 00:19:54,169
Section 14, paragraph G,
311
00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:58,090
"A lifetime ban is irrevocable
and the banned skater can never again
312
00:19:58,215 --> 00:20:00,676
"compete in any
Federation-sanctioned tournament
313
00:20:00,801 --> 00:20:03,512
"that exists in such a skater's division."
314
00:20:04,430 --> 00:20:09,184
You see? You're only banned
from your division, men's singles!
315
00:20:09,768 --> 00:20:12,938
You can still compete in pairs skating.
316
00:20:13,063 --> 00:20:14,606
Pairs.
317
00:20:19,903 --> 00:20:21,488
How is this possible?
318
00:20:21,613 --> 00:20:24,950
I had so many lawyers work on
so many appeals.
319
00:20:25,075 --> 00:20:27,745
Because nobody can obsess like I can.
320
00:20:28,829 --> 00:20:30,497
Good luck, Jimmy.
321
00:20:33,792 --> 00:20:36,503
And I'm still gonna kill you someday.
322
00:20:42,134 --> 00:20:45,179
Oh, no! It's the evil wizard!
323
00:20:54,229 --> 00:20:56,815
Hey, little forest creatures.
324
00:20:56,940 --> 00:21:00,778
None of you sons-of-bitches
try to be heroes. You hear me?
325
00:21:03,405 --> 00:21:05,991
Hey, Chazz. Come on.
326
00:21:07,117 --> 00:21:08,911
It's Gary. What are you doing?
327
00:21:09,036 --> 00:21:11,663
Hey, everyone!
This is Gary, the squirrel.
328
00:21:11,789 --> 00:21:13,916
Now listen up.
Gary's been a long-time friend.
329
00:21:14,041 --> 00:21:16,919
We've been skating
for two and a half years.
330
00:21:17,044 --> 00:21:20,923
I remember when we were hanging out
at the bus stop in Tucson,
331
00:21:21,048 --> 00:21:23,425
and Gary said, "I've got a third ball."
332
00:21:25,094 --> 00:21:28,347
Damn it. I just threw up in here, people.
333
00:21:29,431 --> 00:21:32,810
That's the reality.
Another layer to the legend.
334
00:21:32,935 --> 00:21:37,648
I am nothing but a human onion.
In fact, we all are. Oh, encore.
335
00:21:39,191 --> 00:21:42,903
Ladies and gentlemen, Grublets on Ice
will be cancelled until further notice.
336
00:21:43,028 --> 00:21:45,072
No refunds will be given.
337
00:21:48,659 --> 00:21:52,538
Bring it on! Let it rain down on me.
338
00:21:57,209 --> 00:22:00,421
There's a loophole. I was banned
from men's singles but not pairs.
339
00:22:00,546 --> 00:22:02,423
I can skate
in the Wintersport Games again.
340
00:22:02,548 --> 00:22:05,509
I knew it. I knew after three years,
you just weren't checking in.
341
00:22:05,634 --> 00:22:08,012
I mean, come on, I moved on, Jimmy.
You gotta move on, too.
342
00:22:08,137 --> 00:22:10,139
But I'm a skater.
There's nothing to move on to,
343
00:22:10,264 --> 00:22:13,058
except for winning the gold again
and keeping it this time.
344
00:22:13,183 --> 00:22:15,436
You know how hard it is
to find a partner?
345
00:22:15,561 --> 00:22:17,855
Even if you did,
you gotta qualify for Nationals.
346
00:22:17,980 --> 00:22:19,440
That's a month away.
347
00:22:19,565 --> 00:22:21,150
I mean, sign-up is in two days.
348
00:22:21,275 --> 00:22:22,693
It can't be that hard. I mean...
349
00:22:22,818 --> 00:22:27,698
Figure skating. Give it up, Jimmy.
It's like a cruel bitch mother.
350
00:22:28,490 --> 00:22:31,285
She'll seduce you
with chocolates and roses
351
00:22:31,410 --> 00:22:34,913
and then kick you to the side of the road
like a dead raccoon.
352
00:22:35,706 --> 00:22:37,666
Forget it. I gotta go.
353
00:22:39,334 --> 00:22:41,170
It's good to see you.
354
00:22:42,671 --> 00:22:44,298
Wait, Coach!
355
00:23:04,026 --> 00:23:05,569
Jimmy MacElroy?
356
00:23:06,153 --> 00:23:09,323
Another great walking through the halls
of the Grublets.
357
00:23:09,865 --> 00:23:12,034
Welcome to my little production.
358
00:23:12,159 --> 00:23:14,661
If you're here to thank me for firing
Chazz Michaels, it was my pleasure.
359
00:23:14,787 --> 00:23:15,829
Chazz was here?
360
00:23:15,954 --> 00:23:20,250
Yeah, unfortunately,
but it's fantastic that you're here.
361
00:23:20,376 --> 00:23:23,796
And yes, no need to ask,
I'll consider you for a position.
362
00:23:23,921 --> 00:23:25,631
I'm not looking for a job.
363
00:23:25,756 --> 00:23:29,093
I'm actually looking for a female skater
to compete with me at Nationals.
364
00:23:29,218 --> 00:23:31,720
- Are you trying to skater poach?
- No.
365
00:23:31,845 --> 00:23:33,806
You trying to break up my family?
366
00:23:33,931 --> 00:23:37,267
Why don't you get out of here
before I throw down?
367
00:23:41,105 --> 00:23:42,481
Hey, where you going?
368
00:23:57,871 --> 00:23:58,872
Michaels.
369
00:23:59,540 --> 00:24:00,874
MacElroy.
370
00:24:00,999 --> 00:24:02,167
I see you got fat.
371
00:24:02,292 --> 00:24:04,211
I see you still look
like a 15-year-old girl but not hot.
372
00:24:04,336 --> 00:24:05,379
You crushed my dreams.
373
00:24:05,504 --> 00:24:07,214
Dreams? Shit.
I haven't had one of those in years.
374
00:24:07,339 --> 00:24:09,883
Zip it, Chazz. Zip it or I will punch you
in your crap lousy face.
375
00:24:10,009 --> 00:24:11,176
This ends tonight.
376
00:24:11,301 --> 00:24:13,345
It's daytime, you douche.
377
00:24:15,597 --> 00:24:17,808
- Now it's on!
- You're so fat!
378
00:24:23,731 --> 00:24:26,567
Local figure skating fans got more than
they bargained for today
379
00:24:26,692 --> 00:24:29,653
when a children's ice show
was interrupted by a street fight
380
00:24:29,778 --> 00:24:31,864
between two former champions.
381
00:24:31,989 --> 00:24:34,158
Jimmy MacElroy
and Chazz Michael Michaels,
382
00:24:34,283 --> 00:24:35,951
once at the top of the skating world,
383
00:24:36,076 --> 00:24:39,496
picked up today where they left off
more than three years...
384
00:24:56,597 --> 00:24:59,183
Fans remember Michaels and MacElroy
as gold medallists who,
385
00:24:59,308 --> 00:25:00,851
in a bizarre turn of events,
386
00:25:00,976 --> 00:25:03,354
became banned from competition
for life.
387
00:25:03,479 --> 00:25:04,772
I had a chance to sit down
with Michaels
388
00:25:04,897 --> 00:25:06,815
and let's just say, he's a complex man.
389
00:25:06,940 --> 00:25:09,902
I'm a sex addict
and I'm attracted to women.
390
00:25:29,254 --> 00:25:33,467
Two men skating together?
That's a riot. That's a laugh riot.
391
00:25:33,592 --> 00:25:36,929
- I don't see what's so funny.
- If you were as drunk as me, you would.
392
00:25:37,054 --> 00:25:40,849
Look, Coach, I know I said
I wanted to skate pairs, but two men?
393
00:25:40,974 --> 00:25:43,060
Even if we wanted to,
they'd never allow it.
394
00:25:43,185 --> 00:25:45,312
But there's nothing in the rule book
that says you can't.
395
00:25:45,437 --> 00:25:49,358
That's not my style.
Chazz Michael Michaels goes it alone.
396
00:25:49,483 --> 00:25:52,861
Okay?
That means no coach and no partner.
397
00:25:53,904 --> 00:25:56,115
Especially not a dude.
398
00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:59,034
Especially not the precious
and pampered Richie Rich.
399
00:25:59,159 --> 00:26:01,203
Would you just shut up? You don't know
what you're talking about.
400
00:26:01,328 --> 00:26:02,329
I know more than you think I know.
401
00:26:02,454 --> 00:26:04,039
Hell, I know more than you know
you know.
402
00:26:04,164 --> 00:26:06,583
No, you don't. You could never keep up
with my flawless technique.
403
00:26:06,709 --> 00:26:09,002
That's why I floored you in '02
and the spring of '99.
404
00:26:09,128 --> 00:26:10,629
Technique doesn't get you 18 medals
405
00:26:10,754 --> 00:26:12,840
and a Kristi Yamaguchi
Lifetime Achievement Award.
406
00:26:12,965 --> 00:26:15,342
- I am figure skating.
- Stop it!
407
00:26:15,884 --> 00:26:19,054
For three years I've been trying to get
over the nightmare you two created.
408
00:26:19,179 --> 00:26:21,098
I wasn't sure I'd ever forget it.
409
00:26:21,223 --> 00:26:26,186
Now maybe underneath all your bullshit,
we can still find something beautiful.
410
00:26:26,812 --> 00:26:28,147
I don't know, Coach.
411
00:26:28,272 --> 00:26:30,274
I mean, I'm really desperate
to win that gold, but...
412
00:26:30,399 --> 00:26:33,527
But what?
How's the partner search coming, kid?
413
00:26:34,403 --> 00:26:36,113
What's so funny, Cool Whip?
414
00:26:36,238 --> 00:26:39,450
You getting a lot of satisfaction
from those $15 hookers?
415
00:26:39,575 --> 00:26:42,953
I am never satisfied. It's a curse.
416
00:26:45,039 --> 00:26:48,709
The registration for the National Finals
closes in exactly 12 hours.
417
00:26:48,834 --> 00:26:51,378
Now let me ask you boys a question.
418
00:26:52,004 --> 00:26:54,131
Do you wanna make history?
419
00:26:58,635 --> 00:27:01,430
No way.
This guy could not hold my jock sweat.
420
00:27:01,555 --> 00:27:03,015
I could hold it all day long. Try me.
421
00:27:03,140 --> 00:27:04,391
- Maybe I will.
- Maybe you should.
422
00:27:04,516 --> 00:27:05,601
You challenging me, Princess?
423
00:27:05,726 --> 00:27:08,395
I'm not inviting you to the Skating
Federation's Annual Christmas Party.
424
00:27:08,520 --> 00:27:09,688
- Then bring it on!
- It is on!
425
00:27:09,813 --> 00:27:11,398
Good. We're in agreement then.
426
00:27:11,523 --> 00:27:12,566
- What?
- What?
427
00:27:12,691 --> 00:27:15,402
Welcome back to competitive skating,
gentlemen.
428
00:27:16,070 --> 00:27:18,489
I'll pick you up in the morning.
429
00:27:19,281 --> 00:27:20,699
Little help.
430
00:27:30,376 --> 00:27:33,045
Here we go. Show time.
431
00:27:34,296 --> 00:27:38,258
Stranz. Fairchild. Melissa Kelly, ESPN2.
432
00:27:38,384 --> 00:27:40,719
So, let me ask you,
any thoughts on the competition?
433
00:27:40,844 --> 00:27:42,513
And what does a new gold medal
mean for you?
434
00:27:42,638 --> 00:27:44,515
It doesn't mean as much
as winning America's hearts.
435
00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:46,100
That's very important to us.
436
00:27:46,225 --> 00:27:47,851
Now we haven't seen you
in about three and a half years.
437
00:27:47,976 --> 00:27:49,061
What have you been up to?
438
00:27:49,186 --> 00:27:50,354
Skating.
439
00:27:50,562 --> 00:27:52,648
Now apparently you're dedicating
this performance
440
00:27:52,773 --> 00:27:55,109
to the children of the world.
441
00:28:01,740 --> 00:28:02,991
Sorry.
442
00:28:04,952 --> 00:28:07,246
- Chazz, fill this out.
- No.
443
00:28:07,371 --> 00:28:08,831
Yes.
444
00:28:08,956 --> 00:28:10,290
I'll get yours, Jimmy.
445
00:28:10,416 --> 00:28:11,750
Who is that girl?
446
00:28:11,875 --> 00:28:13,419
You mean Katie Van Waldenberg?
447
00:28:13,544 --> 00:28:15,462
She's Stranz and Fairchild's sister?
448
00:28:15,587 --> 00:28:18,132
Fairchild's legs and Stranz's ass.
449
00:28:19,133 --> 00:28:21,135
Mind bottling, isn't it?
450
00:28:21,510 --> 00:28:24,138
- Did you just say "mind bottling?"
- Yeah, mind bottling.
451
00:28:24,263 --> 00:28:25,305
You know, when things are so crazy,
452
00:28:25,431 --> 00:28:27,474
it gets your thoughts all trapped,
like in a bottle.
453
00:28:27,599 --> 00:28:30,894
All right, boys.
Let's go do this. Loud and proud.
454
00:28:33,605 --> 00:28:34,857
What are you two doing here?
455
00:28:34,982 --> 00:28:38,485
You know damn well I'm not letting
either of you sign up. They're banned.
456
00:28:38,610 --> 00:28:40,904
I'm not here to sign up
Michaels or MacElroy.
457
00:28:41,030 --> 00:28:44,907
I'm here to sign up the pairs team
of Michaels and MacElroy.
458
00:28:44,908 --> 00:28:45,576
I'm here to sign up the pairs team
of Michaels and MacElroy.
459
00:28:45,701 --> 00:28:47,036
Thank you.
460
00:28:49,663 --> 00:28:52,082
Now there's your front page headline.
461
00:28:52,207 --> 00:28:54,626
Jimmy, can you wave to the fans?
462
00:28:55,002 --> 00:28:58,255
So Jimmy and Chazz together
and no fighting, huh?
463
00:29:02,092 --> 00:29:06,180
Two men skating together
and in our division, no less.
464
00:29:06,305 --> 00:29:07,765
Why, Stranz?
465
00:29:07,890 --> 00:29:09,725
Why is God singling us out
466
00:29:09,850 --> 00:29:12,144
for the greatest suffering
the world has ever known?
467
00:29:12,269 --> 00:29:15,564
I don't know, sis. Those two are nothing
but a couple of freaks.
468
00:29:15,689 --> 00:29:17,191
Yeah, and the media loves freaks.
469
00:29:17,316 --> 00:29:18,609
Makes my blood boil.
470
00:29:18,734 --> 00:29:21,695
And all they're doing is just leeching
the dignity out of our beloved sport.
471
00:29:21,820 --> 00:29:23,030
You know, I'm not a violent person,
472
00:29:23,155 --> 00:29:26,617
but I would like to hold them down
and skate over their throats.
473
00:29:26,742 --> 00:29:29,536
Guys, maybe,
maybe if you concentrate on the skating
474
00:29:29,661 --> 00:29:31,038
people will forget all the hype
475
00:29:31,163 --> 00:29:33,999
and they'll focus
on the purity of the sport
476
00:29:34,124 --> 00:29:36,794
and the spirit of honest competition.
477
00:29:39,505 --> 00:29:41,090
You guys just want to cheat again,
don't you?
478
00:29:41,215 --> 00:29:42,633
- That's a good idea.
- Much better.
479
00:29:42,758 --> 00:29:45,260
Katie, please,
will you just take this camcorder, okay?
480
00:29:45,386 --> 00:29:47,888
I don't know how to turn it on.
Thank you.
481
00:29:48,013 --> 00:29:49,390
No, I'm not spying for you again.
482
00:29:49,515 --> 00:29:52,351
We're just asking you
to discreetly tape their practice routines.
483
00:29:52,476 --> 00:29:54,186
Find someone else.
484
00:29:57,564 --> 00:29:59,024
- What's that, Mother?
- Don't.
485
00:29:59,149 --> 00:30:01,360
You and Father are sad
that you were killed
486
00:30:01,485 --> 00:30:04,405
driving Katie to her ice skating lesson
all those years ago?
487
00:30:04,530 --> 00:30:05,823
Yeah. Me, too.
488
00:30:05,948 --> 00:30:08,617
Remember how they used to be alive?
489
00:30:08,742 --> 00:30:09,868
Papa?
490
00:30:10,536 --> 00:30:13,664
I can't hear you, Papa.
What are you... You're crying?
491
00:30:13,789 --> 00:30:17,000
Still? In heaven? You're still dead?
492
00:30:17,668 --> 00:30:19,962
- Fine, I'll do it.
- Yes.
493
00:30:20,087 --> 00:30:23,007
Now you're playing
for team Van Waldenberg.
494
00:30:28,512 --> 00:30:31,682
All right.
You'll be staying here for the duration.
495
00:30:35,602 --> 00:30:39,106
You're gonna skate as a pair.
You'll live as a pair.
496
00:30:39,606 --> 00:30:42,109
And if you're at all interested
in self-preservation,
497
00:30:42,234 --> 00:30:46,030
you take off your shoes
before you set foot on the Berber.
498
00:30:47,072 --> 00:30:49,033
Why would we step in baby food?
499
00:30:49,158 --> 00:30:52,202
- He's talking about the carpet. Berber?
- What are you? The Rug Doctor?
500
00:30:52,327 --> 00:30:54,413
- Maybe I am.
- I'm the rug master.
501
00:30:54,538 --> 00:30:58,167
- What does that even mean?
- Shut up and take off your damn shoes.
502
00:31:01,837 --> 00:31:04,381
- Bunk beds?
- I don't share rooms.
503
00:31:04,506 --> 00:31:08,677
I don't share shit.
The night is a very dark time for me.
504
00:31:09,470 --> 00:31:11,138
It's dark for everyone, moron.
505
00:31:11,263 --> 00:31:13,599
Not for Alaskans or dudes
with night vision goggles.
506
00:31:13,724 --> 00:31:15,601
All right, this is gonna stop right now.
507
00:31:15,726 --> 00:31:18,729
From here on out, you guys are a team.
Do you understand?
508
00:31:18,854 --> 00:31:20,356
You are going to eat together,
sleep together.
509
00:31:20,481 --> 00:31:21,815
You are going to pee together.
510
00:31:21,940 --> 00:31:24,443
You're gonna file
a joint income tax return.
511
00:31:24,568 --> 00:31:27,696
Practice starts now. End of discussion.
512
00:31:38,082 --> 00:31:39,958
I just put those into order.
513
00:31:40,084 --> 00:31:42,086
I need some counter space, too.
514
00:31:45,047 --> 00:31:48,592
- Mane n' Tail. Is this horse shampoo?
- Yes, it is.
515
00:31:48,717 --> 00:31:51,345
- Do you use this stuff on your hair?
- Uh-huh.
516
00:31:52,221 --> 00:31:56,225
"For a lustrous coat."
Does this actually work?
517
00:31:56,350 --> 00:31:57,726
You bet your ass it does.
518
00:31:57,851 --> 00:32:01,480
It makes my hair shine like Orion's belt
out on the ice.
519
00:32:03,732 --> 00:32:07,194
And then I brush my hair
100 times with this.
520
00:32:11,031 --> 00:32:12,241
Cool brush.
521
00:32:12,366 --> 00:32:15,536
Not just a brush but a Verticoli.
522
00:32:16,328 --> 00:32:19,873
Handmade in Italy.
They carve it out of illegal whalebone.
523
00:32:19,998 --> 00:32:22,167
They only make 11 of them a year.
524
00:32:22,292 --> 00:32:26,505
This one cost me $12,000
or 30 million lira.
525
00:32:27,756 --> 00:32:31,510
Perfectly balanced, low drag,
minimal torque.
526
00:32:31,635 --> 00:32:33,303
How minimal?
527
00:32:33,429 --> 00:32:35,431
I bet you'd like to know.
528
00:32:36,390 --> 00:32:37,933
Help yourself to the Mane n' Tail
all you want,
529
00:32:38,058 --> 00:32:40,352
but don't even look at the Verticoli.
530
00:32:40,561 --> 00:32:42,688
'Cause I will knock your block off.
531
00:32:42,813 --> 00:32:44,189
No exaggeration,
532
00:32:44,314 --> 00:32:48,193
I could not love a human baby
as much as I love this brush.
533
00:32:54,533 --> 00:32:55,617
I call top.
534
00:32:55,743 --> 00:32:59,788
- Sorry, I already called it in my head.
- You can't do that. That doesn't count.
535
00:32:59,913 --> 00:33:02,833
Yes, it does. Get used to it, Jimmy.
536
00:33:04,251 --> 00:33:06,295
You're in Chazz's world now.
537
00:33:07,296 --> 00:33:08,964
You know what?
I permanently called shotgun.
538
00:33:09,089 --> 00:33:11,300
You do not get shotgun every time.
539
00:33:11,425 --> 00:33:15,304
What is this place? It smells like fish.
540
00:33:15,429 --> 00:33:16,680
Sweet.
541
00:33:17,681 --> 00:33:20,267
This ice has not been
properly Zambonied.
542
00:33:20,392 --> 00:33:22,644
- And where's the warm-down room?
- We don't have any of that.
543
00:33:22,770 --> 00:33:24,438
What we got is a cold storage unit
544
00:33:24,563 --> 00:33:27,441
that a buddy of mine let me flood
with a garden hose.
545
00:33:27,566 --> 00:33:29,318
Nice choice, Coach.
546
00:33:29,985 --> 00:33:31,695
Turned out well.
547
00:33:31,820 --> 00:33:35,032
The dance lift, the press lift,
the twist lift,
548
00:33:35,574 --> 00:33:38,494
the side by side jump, the throw jump.
549
00:33:38,619 --> 00:33:41,246
All of these are weapons
in the pairs skaters' arsenal.
550
00:33:41,372 --> 00:33:43,791
And used properly,
they can slay your opponent.
551
00:33:43,916 --> 00:33:47,378
Used improperly,
you can break every bone in your body.
552
00:33:48,295 --> 00:33:51,048
All right, gentlemen, waltz position.
553
00:34:02,017 --> 00:34:03,644
You know what, dude,
your hand has to be on top.
554
00:34:03,769 --> 00:34:05,229
No way. The girl's goes on top.
555
00:34:05,354 --> 00:34:07,106
Yeah. Ergo. Chick.
556
00:34:07,231 --> 00:34:08,524
I'm not the girl. I'm stronger.
557
00:34:08,649 --> 00:34:10,234
No, I'm stronger
and don't have a vagina.
558
00:34:10,359 --> 00:34:12,528
You are not stronger.
Watch this, fat ass.
559
00:34:12,653 --> 00:34:13,696
Fat ass?
560
00:34:13,821 --> 00:34:15,614
It doesn't really matter,
it's waltz position.
561
00:34:15,739 --> 00:34:17,533
One guy, you put your, just...
562
00:34:17,658 --> 00:34:19,993
See that?
It's pure pec, bicep, and tricep.
563
00:34:20,119 --> 00:34:21,161
Jimmy, get off your hands.
564
00:34:21,286 --> 00:34:23,414
You're gonna need those later.
Now, come on.
565
00:34:23,539 --> 00:34:24,665
All right.
566
00:34:24,915 --> 00:34:26,792
Okay, you know what?
I can do something cool, too.
567
00:34:26,917 --> 00:34:28,001
Chazz. Chazz.
568
00:34:28,127 --> 00:34:32,256
You think you're so tough. Huh?
I'm not fat. I can do this.
569
00:34:32,381 --> 00:34:35,217
- Chazz, put your skates back on.
- No, it's too late. They're off.
570
00:34:35,342 --> 00:34:37,678
- Look, I'm like lightning.
- Put your skates back on.
571
00:34:37,803 --> 00:34:38,929
What are you doing?
572
00:34:39,054 --> 00:34:41,515
- Yeah. God, that burns.
- Oh, yeah?
573
00:34:42,599 --> 00:34:44,768
Jimmy, you put your clothes on. Jimmy!
574
00:34:44,893 --> 00:34:46,645
- Damn it!
- Watch my Icy Hot Super Slide.
575
00:34:46,770 --> 00:34:47,813
- Do it.
- I will.
576
00:34:47,938 --> 00:34:51,275
It's not gonna matter
'cause you're flat in front like Ken.
577
00:35:07,624 --> 00:35:08,751
You're the girl.
578
00:35:08,876 --> 00:35:10,836
- What?
- You're my pretty lady, MacElroy.
579
00:35:10,961 --> 00:35:13,380
- Wait. Why?
- Because you whine like one!
580
00:35:13,505 --> 00:35:17,134
And no one can lift your fat ass.
You're on a diet, starting now.
581
00:35:17,259 --> 00:35:20,095
- What are you talking about?
- Let's go! Come on!
582
00:35:20,220 --> 00:35:22,264
Is this about my muscular, thick thighs?
583
00:35:23,766 --> 00:35:25,934
Could one of you all pass me a biscuit?
584
00:35:26,060 --> 00:35:29,021
You got another five miles,
then you get a LUNA bar.
585
00:35:29,146 --> 00:35:30,522
Come on.
586
00:35:32,566 --> 00:35:35,486
So, Coach, I was thinking
about the music for our routine.
587
00:35:35,611 --> 00:35:37,071
- Really?
- We're gonna skate to one song,
588
00:35:37,196 --> 00:35:40,282
one song only.
Lady Hump by the Black Eyed Peas.
589
00:35:40,407 --> 00:35:43,660
♪ What you gonna do with all that junk
All that junk inside my trunk ♪
590
00:35:43,786 --> 00:35:47,039
♪ I'm gonna get you, get you drunk
Get you drunk off my lady hump ♪
591
00:35:47,164 --> 00:35:50,376
♪ My hump, my hump
My lovely lady hump ♪
592
00:35:50,501 --> 00:35:53,545
I'm not skating to anything
with references to lady humps.
593
00:35:53,671 --> 00:35:54,797
I don't even know what that means.
594
00:35:54,922 --> 00:35:57,758
No one knows what it means,
but it's provocative.
595
00:35:57,883 --> 00:35:59,718
- No, it's not. It's gross.
- It gets the people going.
596
00:35:59,843 --> 00:36:03,514
That's enough!
Why do you guys keep doing that?
597
00:36:15,067 --> 00:36:16,985
You didn't see shit!
598
00:36:17,903 --> 00:36:19,530
- Coach!
- Shut up!
599
00:36:25,369 --> 00:36:27,329
Throw me some chicken!
600
00:36:29,373 --> 00:36:30,749
Two men.
601
00:36:30,874 --> 00:36:32,918
Together. You're really gonna go
through with this, huh?
602
00:36:33,043 --> 00:36:34,378
Oh, yeah, of course. Why not?
603
00:36:34,503 --> 00:36:36,130
I mean, I need your help.
What do you say?
604
00:36:36,255 --> 00:36:39,258
Look, I'm just a choreographer.
What do I know?
605
00:36:39,383 --> 00:36:40,968
Bring them
by the dance studio tomorrow.
606
00:36:41,093 --> 00:36:42,761
- Great!
- I'm not a magician.
607
00:36:42,886 --> 00:36:43,929
I ain't making no promises.
608
00:36:44,054 --> 00:36:46,348
I'm just saying
that I'm'a do what I can do.
609
00:36:46,473 --> 00:36:49,560
Your problem is your boundaries.
That ends today.
610
00:36:49,685 --> 00:36:50,978
Out on my dance floor you won't know
611
00:36:51,103 --> 00:36:53,147
where one man's body ends
and another begins.
612
00:36:53,272 --> 00:36:55,983
Because if you can't dance with a man,
you damn sure can't skate with a man.
613
00:36:56,108 --> 00:36:58,152
All right? So come on, let's go.
614
00:36:59,737 --> 00:37:00,738
Jimmy.
615
00:37:01,613 --> 00:37:02,740
Yeah.
616
00:37:03,657 --> 00:37:04,742
That's what I thought.
617
00:37:04,867 --> 00:37:06,744
That a boy, Jimmy. Come on.
618
00:37:07,244 --> 00:37:09,747
Okay. Break it down.
Show me what you got.
619
00:37:11,373 --> 00:37:13,876
Okay. That's a start. That is a start.
620
00:37:41,653 --> 00:37:43,113
You're tensing your face.
If you tense your face,
621
00:37:43,238 --> 00:37:44,990
you're gonna make it harder
for yourselves.
622
00:37:45,115 --> 00:37:46,742
Just enable...
623
00:37:52,539 --> 00:37:55,334
Rewind it.
I wanna see his head bang down again.
624
00:38:03,008 --> 00:38:06,595
No. No, no.
You act right or you leave my studio.
625
00:38:06,720 --> 00:38:10,474
Beautiful butterfly into a prayer.
Nice into...
626
00:38:14,269 --> 00:38:16,271
Let them get it out. Let them get it out.
627
00:38:16,397 --> 00:38:20,025
Chazz, release to Jimmy.
Easy, see? Release...
628
00:38:23,028 --> 00:38:24,697
- Yes.
- No. No.
629
00:38:40,754 --> 00:38:41,755
You nailed it!
630
00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:45,884
Yes, I did. See that? Pure power.
You could use a nickel's worth, junior.
631
00:38:46,010 --> 00:38:47,553
Maybe if you released me
at that quarter-turn,
632
00:38:47,678 --> 00:38:49,513
I wouldn't have to save your ass
with my landing.
633
00:38:49,638 --> 00:38:53,017
It's called improvisation.
Even your precious Kenny G does it.
634
00:38:53,142 --> 00:38:55,227
Well, at least they're getting
the moves down.
635
00:38:55,352 --> 00:38:59,815
Yeah, but can they do it in front of
five judges and 30 million people?
636
00:39:02,526 --> 00:39:04,903
Denver, Colorado, last stop on the road
637
00:39:05,029 --> 00:39:07,489
to the World Wintersport Games
in Montreal.
638
00:39:07,614 --> 00:39:10,451
The finest skaters from all over
the country have trained tirelessly,
639
00:39:10,576 --> 00:39:13,454
for years for their chance
to make it onto the world stage.
640
00:39:13,579 --> 00:39:15,831
But all those stories
have been eclipsed now
641
00:39:15,956 --> 00:39:18,542
by what many dub
the Sideshow of the Century.
642
00:39:18,709 --> 00:39:22,588
The male-male pair of Jimmy MacElroy
and Chazz Michael Michaels.
643
00:39:22,713 --> 00:39:25,466
The anxiety was palpable
when they arrived this morning
644
00:39:25,591 --> 00:39:28,844
as the skating community
continued to voice its outrage.
645
00:39:28,969 --> 00:39:31,180
Those two are turning this sport
into a freak show.
646
00:39:31,388 --> 00:39:33,682
As if figure skating
wasn't gay enough already.
647
00:39:34,058 --> 00:39:37,686
Let me show you something.
Does that look right to you?
648
00:39:38,062 --> 00:39:40,064
Nothing in here about two men skating.
649
00:39:40,230 --> 00:39:43,901
That blonde chick's a dude? Oh, man.
650
00:39:44,401 --> 00:39:47,029
Now let's join Stranz
and Fairchild Van Waldenberg
651
00:39:47,154 --> 00:39:48,781
as they wind up their routine,
652
00:39:48,906 --> 00:39:53,118
an edgy look at urban culture
told in the language of the streets.
653
00:39:54,495 --> 00:39:57,623
And boy, look at them!
They are really having fun with this.
654
00:39:57,748 --> 00:40:02,002
The bling is king. This pair
is willing the crowd into a frenzy.
655
00:40:05,047 --> 00:40:06,423
Come on! Come on!
656
00:40:15,224 --> 00:40:17,935
Wow! Flawless, as always.
657
00:40:18,060 --> 00:40:20,771
These two blue-eyed funk machines
are going to find themselves
658
00:40:20,896 --> 00:40:24,900
popping and locking their way
to the championship in Montreal.
659
00:40:25,025 --> 00:40:26,902
And those good vibrations seem
660
00:40:27,027 --> 00:40:30,114
to have spread all the way
through this arena.
661
00:40:32,449 --> 00:40:33,909
What, what!
662
00:40:37,955 --> 00:40:39,581
You guys are up.
663
00:40:40,207 --> 00:40:42,418
And now the moment
this crowd has been waiting for.
664
00:40:42,543 --> 00:40:44,545
And how is this going to work?
665
00:40:44,670 --> 00:40:48,298
Completely different skaters,
known to be enemies of one another,
666
00:40:48,424 --> 00:40:53,345
combining to be the first male-male
pair team in the history of the sport.
667
00:40:53,470 --> 00:40:56,724
Either the locked-in technical style
of MacElroy
668
00:40:56,849 --> 00:41:00,185
will not mesh
with Michaels' improvisations
669
00:41:00,310 --> 00:41:02,271
or they create great music together
670
00:41:02,396 --> 00:41:05,315
and reinvent the sport
in their own image.
671
00:41:09,194 --> 00:41:10,863
They're laughing at us.
672
00:41:11,864 --> 00:41:15,034
They laughed at Louis Armstrong when
he said he was gonna go to the moon.
673
00:41:15,159 --> 00:41:17,870
Now he's up there laughing at them.
674
00:41:22,124 --> 00:41:25,961
Well, they titled this routine
"Fire and Ice."
675
00:41:26,086 --> 00:41:29,381
They've always been that way
as competitors, as individuals
676
00:41:29,506 --> 00:41:31,383
and now as a pair team?
677
00:41:31,508 --> 00:41:33,135
So appropriate.
678
00:42:24,937 --> 00:42:26,563
So far, so good.
679
00:42:32,403 --> 00:42:35,572
Their first move's so difficult.
Throw triple Axel.
680
00:42:35,698 --> 00:42:37,116
First throw.
681
00:42:38,701 --> 00:42:39,743
Man down.
682
00:42:39,868 --> 00:42:43,706
What an unbelievably disastrous
beginning to this routine!
683
00:42:45,791 --> 00:42:47,584
I've never fallen once in competition.
684
00:42:47,710 --> 00:42:49,670
Come on. Take my hand.
685
00:42:50,796 --> 00:42:52,381
We can do this.
686
00:42:54,425 --> 00:42:55,467
And they're up.
687
00:42:55,592 --> 00:42:57,803
Come on, Denver, get off your asses!
688
00:42:58,721 --> 00:43:00,264
Let's go!
689
00:43:00,764 --> 00:43:01,974
And the crowd responds.
690
00:43:02,099 --> 00:43:06,061
It's the first time they've shown them
any level of support.
691
00:43:09,440 --> 00:43:12,943
Side by side double Axels!
Beautifully delivered!
692
00:43:17,156 --> 00:43:18,574
And again, a male-male pair team.
693
00:43:18,699 --> 00:43:22,536
They're doing things
that no other pair would dare to do.
694
00:43:36,759 --> 00:43:38,302
Incredible!
695
00:43:52,107 --> 00:43:56,153
So many moves in this programme
I've never heard of before.
696
00:44:03,577 --> 00:44:04,703
Yes!
697
00:44:13,712 --> 00:44:16,507
Unbelievable finish
to an incredible routine!
698
00:44:16,632 --> 00:44:19,051
And they've won this crowd over!
699
00:44:21,720 --> 00:44:22,763
Yes!
700
00:44:23,555 --> 00:44:26,684
This might be enough
to send them to Montreal
701
00:44:26,809 --> 00:44:31,355
as the first male-male representatives
this sport has ever seen.
702
00:44:31,480 --> 00:44:33,357
History in the making.
703
00:44:45,035 --> 00:44:46,245
Yeah!
704
00:44:54,670 --> 00:44:56,505
We love you, Denver!
705
00:44:57,339 --> 00:45:00,050
City by the bay! John Denver!
706
00:45:04,304 --> 00:45:06,807
- Was the fire really necessary?
- Ask them.
707
00:45:10,602 --> 00:45:14,148
- That's what I'm talking about!
- I'm so proud of you. Good job.
708
00:45:16,358 --> 00:45:17,943
What up, homes?
709
00:45:22,072 --> 00:45:23,824
You guys were great out there.
710
00:45:23,949 --> 00:45:26,243
Thanks. I'm Jimmy.
711
00:45:26,368 --> 00:45:27,995
I know. Katie.
712
00:45:28,370 --> 00:45:29,621
I know.
713
00:45:33,250 --> 00:45:35,044
I like your buttons.
714
00:45:36,003 --> 00:45:38,130
Jimmy, come on. The scores are up.
715
00:45:38,547 --> 00:45:40,215
- Good luck.
- You, too.
716
00:45:40,341 --> 00:45:42,509
Did you see that?
They were actually pretty good.
717
00:45:42,634 --> 00:45:44,428
Yeah, they were really good. Way to go.
718
00:45:44,553 --> 00:45:45,971
None of what they did
was on your video.
719
00:45:46,096 --> 00:45:47,890
That's all right.
Let's not let them get into our heads.
720
00:45:48,015 --> 00:45:50,100
Into our head?
Not only did we embarrass Marky Mark,
721
00:45:50,225 --> 00:45:51,769
we let down the Funky Bunch.
722
00:45:51,894 --> 00:45:55,272
...5.9, 5.9, 5.8, 6.0!
723
00:45:55,397 --> 00:45:56,398
- Yes! Yes!
- Oh, my gosh!
724
00:45:56,523 --> 00:45:58,859
We're going to Montreal, bitch!
725
00:46:00,110 --> 00:46:02,696
Well, it's all smiles
here in the Crest kiss and cry area.
726
00:46:02,821 --> 00:46:05,866
You're the guys everybody's
talking about. How does it feel?
727
00:46:05,991 --> 00:46:09,203
You know, we're just so grateful
for this wonderful opportunity
728
00:46:09,328 --> 00:46:10,579
to be out here on the ice again...
729
00:46:10,704 --> 00:46:13,624
Michaels and MacElroy are a freight
train from hell, okay?
730
00:46:13,749 --> 00:46:17,544
We're going straight up
the ass of the competition, Scott.
731
00:46:18,796 --> 00:46:20,714
I'm not gonna say wow, but wow!
732
00:46:20,839 --> 00:46:24,968
They got by on 97 percent adrenaline
and three percent bullshit.
733
00:46:25,094 --> 00:46:29,431
If they wanna take home the gold,
they gotta do something spectacular.
734
00:46:29,556 --> 00:46:30,641
Robert, I know where this is going.
735
00:46:30,766 --> 00:46:33,227
How many times
do you have to make the same mistake?
736
00:46:33,352 --> 00:46:36,522
Till I get it right.
You gotta trust me, Jesse.
737
00:46:37,898 --> 00:46:41,527
I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life
in a cage of fear.
738
00:46:45,739 --> 00:46:48,742
Top of the morning. And it is a beaut.
739
00:46:50,119 --> 00:46:52,913
Do you mind? I'm trying to eat here.
740
00:46:53,580 --> 00:46:56,875
Just thought you'd like to see
what a skater's body really looks like.
741
00:46:57,001 --> 00:46:59,503
Go ahead, drink it in. Don't be shy.
742
00:46:59,628 --> 00:47:03,424
Looking's for free.
Touching's gonna cost you something.
743
00:47:06,969 --> 00:47:08,762
Checking out my ink?
744
00:47:09,304 --> 00:47:12,558
Some people refer to me
as the Illustrated Man.
745
00:47:12,683 --> 00:47:17,062
Each tattoo tells a different tale.
They're like chapters of my life.
746
00:47:17,187 --> 00:47:20,566
Really? So, what's that one about?
747
00:47:22,651 --> 00:47:27,531
That one represents the dragon lady.
You might know her as Michelle Kwan.
748
00:47:27,656 --> 00:47:31,452
That's Michelle Kwan, most decorated
figure skater in US history?
749
00:47:31,577 --> 00:47:33,871
- You tapped that?
- Sure did.
750
00:47:34,496 --> 00:47:36,915
But perfection can drive a woman mad.
751
00:47:37,041 --> 00:47:38,959
She was ready to quit,
hang up her skates
752
00:47:39,084 --> 00:47:42,296
settle down and pop out
a few little Chazzlings.
753
00:47:42,421 --> 00:47:45,591
I couldn't let her do it, not the way I roll.
754
00:47:45,716 --> 00:47:48,260
So, what's that one with the horse?
755
00:47:49,303 --> 00:47:51,180
My blonde Ukrainian she-devil.
756
00:47:51,305 --> 00:47:53,432
Not Oksana Baiul?
757
00:47:53,557 --> 00:47:55,893
At 16, she won the gold, turned pro,
758
00:47:56,018 --> 00:47:59,813
and was named one of Barbara Walters'
most fascinating persons of 1994.
759
00:47:59,938 --> 00:48:04,193
Yeah. But don't let her fool you.
She's as cold as the ice she skates on.
760
00:48:04,860 --> 00:48:08,238
She's like dry ice.
Wait. She's colder than that.
761
00:48:08,364 --> 00:48:10,449
- What's colder than dry ice?
- I don't know.
762
00:48:10,574 --> 00:48:12,951
I'll tell you what is. Oksana.
763
00:48:17,498 --> 00:48:20,334
What about that one on your shoulder?
Who's that?
764
00:48:21,126 --> 00:48:23,170
That one? It's nothing.
765
00:48:24,171 --> 00:48:26,215
What about you? You got any tats?
766
00:48:26,340 --> 00:48:29,551
I had my face painted
at the Blueberry Festival one year.
767
00:48:29,677 --> 00:48:31,387
Seems about right.
768
00:48:31,512 --> 00:48:34,973
Well, I could have one.
I could have a killer one.
769
00:48:36,642 --> 00:48:40,104
I have a crush on the enemy,
Katie Van Waldenberg.
770
00:48:40,229 --> 00:48:41,480
Good choice, my man.
771
00:48:41,605 --> 00:48:43,440
Yeah. How's that for forbidden love?
772
00:48:43,565 --> 00:48:46,443
I have no idea, but I'd like to find out.
773
00:48:47,152 --> 00:48:49,655
- Wait. What are you doing?
- I'm calling her. Or rather, you are.
774
00:48:49,780 --> 00:48:51,615
- I can't do that. It's crazy.
- It's not crazy.
775
00:48:51,740 --> 00:48:52,908
What am I supposed to say?
776
00:48:53,033 --> 00:48:54,952
- No, you can't. I can't.
- It's ringing. Go.
777
00:48:58,872 --> 00:49:01,000
- Sorry.
- Maybe it's Nike.
778
00:49:02,835 --> 00:49:04,003
Van Waldenberg Companies.
779
00:49:04,128 --> 00:49:05,963
Talk. Relax.
780
00:49:06,964 --> 00:49:09,883
Hi. It's Jimmy MacElroy. Is Katie there?
781
00:49:11,093 --> 00:49:12,553
It's MacElroy, for her.
782
00:49:12,678 --> 00:49:14,596
What? For me? Why?
783
00:49:14,888 --> 00:49:16,682
- I can't do it.
- I'll coach you. Get on the phone.
784
00:49:16,890 --> 00:49:18,142
Stranz?
785
00:49:21,186 --> 00:49:22,187
Hello?
786
00:49:22,312 --> 00:49:25,274
Okay. "Yo. It's the Mac attack.
What up?"
787
00:49:25,816 --> 00:49:28,861
Yo. Hi. It's the Mac attack. What up?
788
00:49:29,194 --> 00:49:32,948
Okay. Say, "Oh, my, you're just
catching me getting out of the shower."
789
00:49:33,073 --> 00:49:35,451
- Sell yourself.
- Will you be quiet?
790
00:49:36,201 --> 00:49:38,412
You know, you just caught me
getting out of the shower.
791
00:49:38,537 --> 00:49:40,664
- She just got out of the shower.
- Oh, me likey.
792
00:49:40,789 --> 00:49:42,708
- I have to call her back. This is so rude.
- No! Are you insane?
793
00:49:42,833 --> 00:49:45,753
- She's gonna hear you.
- Get back on the phone. Say, "Shower?
794
00:49:45,878 --> 00:49:48,756
"I gotta get me one of those
'cause I just got back from the gym
795
00:49:48,881 --> 00:49:50,966
"doing my squat thrusts."
796
00:49:51,925 --> 00:49:54,261
I gotta...
Yeah, shower. I need one of those
797
00:49:54,386 --> 00:49:57,765
'cause I just got back from the gym
doing my squat thrusts.
798
00:49:57,890 --> 00:50:00,517
"Squat thrusts must be hard, real hard."
799
00:50:01,393 --> 00:50:02,519
Squat thrusts are hard.
800
00:50:02,895 --> 00:50:04,772
- "Real hard."
- Real hard.
801
00:50:05,189 --> 00:50:09,318
"They're hard, all right. But it's worth it
to get a sweet burn deep in your thigh."
802
00:50:09,443 --> 00:50:13,364
It's worth it to get a deep burn
in my sweet thighs.
803
00:50:13,739 --> 00:50:16,825
"You know
how you can soothe a nasty burn?
804
00:50:17,618 --> 00:50:19,370
"Pour some sweet cream on it."
805
00:50:19,703 --> 00:50:22,539
Do you know
what you can do for a burn?
806
00:50:22,665 --> 00:50:23,874
Pour sweet cream on it.
807
00:50:23,999 --> 00:50:26,001
Oh, my God, you've bagged a wild lynx.
808
00:50:26,126 --> 00:50:28,921
Okay, say, "Sounds to me like
your cream needs to be whipped",
809
00:50:29,046 --> 00:50:30,214
and then go...
810
00:50:33,342 --> 00:50:36,345
I was wondering if you wanted
to get a snow cone sometime?
811
00:50:36,470 --> 00:50:37,554
What?
812
00:50:37,680 --> 00:50:40,557
Yeah. I would like to get a snow cone.
813
00:50:41,016 --> 00:50:43,018
I haven't had a snow cone
in a couple of years, actually.
814
00:50:43,143 --> 00:50:44,186
No, you have to be sexy.
815
00:50:44,311 --> 00:50:46,397
Say you want a snow boner.
Snow boner.
816
00:50:46,522 --> 00:50:48,857
8:00 tonight. That sounds great.
817
00:50:48,982 --> 00:50:52,361
It will
"get me time to get my jugs waxed."
818
00:50:53,070 --> 00:50:55,322
Okay. Well, I'll see you.
819
00:50:55,989 --> 00:50:58,450
What happened? What's the word?
820
00:50:58,575 --> 00:51:00,911
8:00 tonight. We did it!
821
00:51:01,036 --> 00:51:02,413
Oh, my God!
822
00:51:03,372 --> 00:51:04,748
Nice lift.
823
00:51:06,750 --> 00:51:10,421
All right, listen up. You guys barely
squeaked by at Nationals.
824
00:51:10,546 --> 00:51:12,464
How are we gonna compete
against teams
825
00:51:12,589 --> 00:51:14,049
that have been doing this for years?
826
00:51:14,174 --> 00:51:15,592
There's only one way.
827
00:51:15,718 --> 00:51:19,805
Okay. What do you guys have
that none of the other teams have?
828
00:51:20,305 --> 00:51:21,974
- Twin dongs?
- Exactly.
829
00:51:22,099 --> 00:51:24,518
We have to do something
that only two men can do together.
830
00:51:24,643 --> 00:51:27,021
Something never seen before.
831
00:51:28,272 --> 00:51:30,274
Jesse, put in the tape.
832
00:51:30,983 --> 00:51:33,402
Come on. Put in the tape, Jesse.
833
00:51:40,367 --> 00:51:41,702
Thank you.
834
00:51:42,745 --> 00:51:46,874
Jimmy, I never told you this before,
but I used to coach pairs.
835
00:51:47,541 --> 00:51:50,377
I was on track
to head up the Olympic squad.
836
00:51:50,502 --> 00:51:53,255
I wanted it badly,
so I developed a move.
837
00:51:53,380 --> 00:51:57,176
A move the likes of which the world
had never seen before.
838
00:51:57,468 --> 00:52:00,846
A move so revolutionary, so dangerous
839
00:52:00,971 --> 00:52:05,601
that it would have catapulted the team
that stuck it straight to the top.
840
00:52:07,227 --> 00:52:09,021
And like many revolutionary ideas,
841
00:52:09,146 --> 00:52:12,024
it just scared the shit
out of the establishment.
842
00:52:13,192 --> 00:52:14,526
So I quit.
843
00:52:15,027 --> 00:52:19,990
And I took it to the one place on earth
batshit crazy enough to give it a try.
844
00:52:21,116 --> 00:52:22,159
North Korea.
845
00:52:22,284 --> 00:52:23,702
Of course.
846
00:52:23,827 --> 00:52:27,039
Behind the Bamboo Curtain, they call it...
847
00:52:28,540 --> 00:52:30,376
"The Iron Lotus."
848
00:52:37,633 --> 00:52:40,177
Look at the grace, the beauty.
849
00:52:40,719 --> 00:52:43,806
They almost have it, until...
850
00:52:46,392 --> 00:52:47,851
Oh, my gosh.
851
00:52:52,272 --> 00:52:54,274
Okay.
What do you say, let's give it a try?
852
00:52:54,400 --> 00:52:57,903
- Are you nuts?
- What? That's crazy.
853
00:52:58,028 --> 00:52:59,154
Come on, what are you talking about?
854
00:52:59,279 --> 00:53:02,157
See, after all these years,
I know what went wrong.
855
00:53:02,282 --> 00:53:03,325
The physics were off.
856
00:53:03,450 --> 00:53:05,577
It was a man and a woman,
that's why it didn't work.
857
00:53:05,703 --> 00:53:08,288
You're two men. You should be fine.
858
00:53:10,499 --> 00:53:13,293
Be warned.
The Iron Lotus demands your respect.
859
00:53:13,419 --> 00:53:15,379
She has no time for lone wolves, Chazz.
860
00:53:15,504 --> 00:53:18,007
Jimmy, you've gotta be willing
to improvise.
861
00:53:18,132 --> 00:53:20,259
You two are the last pieces
of the puzzle.
862
00:53:20,384 --> 00:53:22,177
Go on! Fit them together!
863
00:53:28,183 --> 00:53:30,060
Keep your speed up.
864
00:53:30,686 --> 00:53:32,062
Keep it up!
865
00:53:34,064 --> 00:53:36,525
Jimmy! Don't let your legs buckle!
866
00:53:36,984 --> 00:53:39,903
Come on, Chazz, focus! Focus!
867
00:53:47,703 --> 00:53:48,912
My nut-sack!
868
00:53:50,080 --> 00:53:52,708
You gotta be careful, man.
Unlike you, I actually use these things.
869
00:53:52,833 --> 00:53:54,251
Oh, yeah? Well...
870
00:53:54,376 --> 00:53:58,922
Well, well, yeah, you're right.
I'll try to be more careful next time.
871
00:53:59,631 --> 00:54:00,841
Sorry.
872
00:54:01,508 --> 00:54:04,845
Look, I didn't mean to drag your balls
into the discussion.
873
00:54:04,970 --> 00:54:08,349
That was uncalled for.
They're fine, I overreacted.
874
00:54:08,849 --> 00:54:11,018
All right, gentlemen,
let's get up and try it again.
875
00:54:18,692 --> 00:54:20,194
Let's do this.
876
00:54:27,993 --> 00:54:30,496
This was my favourite place growing up.
877
00:54:30,621 --> 00:54:32,539
By the way, you look really nice.
878
00:54:32,665 --> 00:54:36,835
Oh, really?
I like your glitter-tooth necklace thing.
879
00:54:36,960 --> 00:54:38,379
Oh, thanks.
880
00:54:39,046 --> 00:54:41,548
Foy, can I have another blue one?
881
00:54:42,091 --> 00:54:46,553
You guys were so good at Nationals,
it scared my brother and sister.
882
00:54:46,679 --> 00:54:49,807
- They wanted me to spy on you.
- Really?
883
00:54:49,932 --> 00:54:51,725
Is that why you're going out
with me right now?
884
00:54:51,850 --> 00:54:52,935
No!
885
00:54:54,269 --> 00:54:55,521
Really.
886
00:54:56,063 --> 00:54:59,733
I don't care if they win.
I don't care about skating at all.
887
00:54:59,858 --> 00:55:02,486
I mean, really,
what's so great about skating, anyway?
888
00:55:02,611 --> 00:55:05,322
It's basically just gliding,
trying not to fall,
889
00:55:05,447 --> 00:55:07,783
with a couple of jumps thrown in, right?
890
00:55:07,908 --> 00:55:11,245
And Spandex and glitter. Egos.
891
00:55:12,079 --> 00:55:13,122
Ice blows.
892
00:55:16,417 --> 00:55:17,584
Sorry.
893
00:55:18,168 --> 00:55:21,714
But it's not the ice.
It's what the ice lets you do.
894
00:55:22,464 --> 00:55:25,759
Out there, I feel like I can do anything.
895
00:55:26,427 --> 00:55:29,346
It's the only place
where life makes sense.
896
00:55:32,391 --> 00:55:33,559
You've never skated?
897
00:55:33,684 --> 00:55:35,436
When I was a kid, a little.
898
00:55:35,561 --> 00:55:38,480
But my brother and sister
don't like anyone to steal their focus.
899
00:55:38,605 --> 00:55:40,566
My life was nothing but focus.
900
00:55:40,691 --> 00:55:42,735
You know what I got
for my tenth birthday?
901
00:55:42,860 --> 00:55:46,071
A six-pack of protein shakes
and a subscription to Men's Health.
902
00:55:46,196 --> 00:55:48,032
I didn't have a tenth birthday.
903
00:55:48,157 --> 00:55:50,993
My sister told all my friends
I was in jail for armed robbery.
904
00:55:51,118 --> 00:55:54,288
When I was nine, my dad insisted
on having me circumcised
905
00:55:54,413 --> 00:55:56,081
to minimise wind resistance.
906
00:55:56,206 --> 00:55:59,793
While driving me to skating practice,
my parents were in a fatal accident.
907
00:55:59,918 --> 00:56:01,503
My brother and sister
blame me for their death
908
00:56:01,628 --> 00:56:04,631
and they force me to work for them
like a slave.
909
00:56:25,027 --> 00:56:26,111
Wow.
910
00:56:26,820 --> 00:56:30,699
I never really thought of that
as a romantic story before.
911
00:56:40,834 --> 00:56:45,130
So, how'd it go with your lady?
Carve up any ice with your wiener?
912
00:56:45,255 --> 00:56:47,758
All right, ladies, tea party's over.
913
00:56:47,883 --> 00:56:51,679
We got two days till Montreal.
I wanna see an Iron Lotus.
914
00:56:58,394 --> 00:56:59,937
Okay, try it again.
915
00:57:00,771 --> 00:57:03,273
You're gonna kill him! Watch the blade!
916
00:57:03,524 --> 00:57:04,650
Come on!
917
00:57:08,612 --> 00:57:10,155
Try it again!
918
00:57:15,786 --> 00:57:18,163
One more. I'm really close.
919
00:57:24,878 --> 00:57:29,216
Hello, and welcome, everyone,
to the Orbitz World Wintersport Games
920
00:57:29,341 --> 00:57:31,385
here in beautiful Montreal, Canada.
921
00:57:33,095 --> 00:57:36,432
The world turns its eyes
now to this frozen sanctuary
922
00:57:36,557 --> 00:57:39,476
as the globe's finest athletes
arrive to compete
923
00:57:39,601 --> 00:57:42,479
and to revel in the glory that is sport.
924
00:57:42,938 --> 00:57:46,859
And so, now we are honoured
to bring you the wonder, pageantry,
925
00:57:46,984 --> 00:57:51,864
and spectacle of these,
the 20th World Wintersport Games.
926
00:57:58,162 --> 00:57:59,955
Didn't you once say, and I quote,
927
00:58:00,080 --> 00:58:03,208
"Jimmy MacElroy
is a lifeless robot on the ice"?
928
00:58:03,334 --> 00:58:05,961
- He would never say such a...
- Yes, I did.
929
00:58:06,086 --> 00:58:09,506
But I was referring
to the precision and beauty of robots.
930
00:58:09,631 --> 00:58:11,383
If they'd published
the rest of the quote...
931
00:58:11,508 --> 00:58:14,595
They did publish the rest of your quote.
You go on to say,
932
00:58:14,720 --> 00:58:16,638
"I've had lint at the top of my ass crack
933
00:58:16,764 --> 00:58:19,808
"with more personality
than that Daddy's boy." End quote.
934
00:58:19,933 --> 00:58:22,478
All right,
Mr Smart Reporter, showing off.
935
00:58:22,603 --> 00:58:26,690
You figured out how to work
the Google on the Internet machine.
936
00:58:26,815 --> 00:58:28,484
Well, here's a new quote for you,
all right?
937
00:58:28,609 --> 00:58:32,780
Chazz Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy
are figure skating. Boom!
938
00:58:32,905 --> 00:58:34,114
Boom!
939
00:58:35,616 --> 00:58:38,952
Jimmy! Has pairs skating
helped your popularity?
940
00:58:39,578 --> 00:58:42,206
Absolutely.
I have the best fans in the world.
941
00:58:42,331 --> 00:58:45,376
I mean,
we have the best fans in the world.
942
00:58:50,381 --> 00:58:52,633
No, that's in the other room.
943
00:59:02,142 --> 00:59:03,310
Boom.
944
00:59:04,687 --> 00:59:05,854
Nice.
945
00:59:06,855 --> 00:59:09,400
Great! Press loves them,
and now so do the sponsors.
946
00:59:09,525 --> 00:59:10,651
Stranz!
947
00:59:10,776 --> 00:59:15,489
So, Katie, it looks like your date
went really well the other night, huh?
948
00:59:15,614 --> 00:59:18,450
What? I guess so. Why?
949
00:59:18,575 --> 00:59:20,703
No reason. I was just wondering
how it went. Did it go well?
950
00:59:20,828 --> 00:59:23,330
- Yeah, we had snow cones...
- Oh, that's so great.
951
00:59:23,455 --> 00:59:25,666
We want you to turn your attention
to Chazz now.
952
00:59:25,791 --> 00:59:26,792
What?
953
00:59:26,917 --> 00:59:29,878
MacElroy's heart is like
a beautiful apple that's in your hand
954
00:59:30,004 --> 00:59:31,630
and now you need to bite it.
955
00:59:31,755 --> 00:59:34,591
- Nothing breaks up a team faster than...
- Herpes.
956
00:59:35,217 --> 00:59:36,510
Jealousy.
957
00:59:36,844 --> 00:59:39,138
No. I'm not gonna make
Chazz Michael Michaels
958
00:59:39,263 --> 00:59:40,264
fall in love with me.
959
00:59:40,389 --> 00:59:42,433
Who's talking about love?
We just want you to have sex with him.
960
00:59:42,558 --> 00:59:45,185
What? No!
I am not gonna have sex with Chazz.
961
00:59:45,310 --> 00:59:48,230
Come on, Katie.
Do the honourable thing here.
962
00:59:48,355 --> 00:59:51,316
The honourable thing is to walk away
and that is exactly what I'm doing.
963
00:59:51,442 --> 00:59:55,404
Okay. Stranz, let her go. It's okay.
She's made up her mind.
964
00:59:56,655 --> 00:59:58,574
We'll just move on to Plan B.
965
00:59:59,575 --> 01:00:02,036
- What's Plan B?
- I'm sorry, don't worry about that.
966
01:00:02,161 --> 01:00:05,205
You stood your ground. Good for you.
We respect that.
967
01:00:05,331 --> 01:00:07,833
But if something should happen
to your new boyfriend's leg,
968
01:00:07,958 --> 01:00:11,253
I don't know, under his knee,
or above his ankle?
969
01:00:11,879 --> 01:00:14,631
At least you did the honourable thing.
970
01:00:20,137 --> 01:00:23,015
- Where're you going?
- Sex addicts meeting.
971
01:00:23,640 --> 01:00:26,226
- "Turn weakness into strength."
- Good for you.
972
01:00:26,352 --> 01:00:28,896
Thanks, brother man.
Have a good night.
973
01:00:29,021 --> 01:00:30,189
See ya!
974
01:00:33,692 --> 01:00:35,277
This must be for you.
975
01:00:47,081 --> 01:00:48,332
So glad you're all here.
976
01:00:48,832 --> 01:00:51,418
Okay, let's get started.
977
01:00:51,752 --> 01:00:55,381
Chazz, would you like
to start the day off by sharing?
978
01:00:55,964 --> 01:00:58,884
I was just trying to find some peace.
979
01:00:59,009 --> 01:01:02,054
A haven,
a place where I could feel safe.
980
01:01:03,055 --> 01:01:05,057
And then what happened?
981
01:01:06,183 --> 01:01:08,686
Well, she was my yoga instructor.
982
01:01:10,688 --> 01:01:12,773
So I knew she was limber.
983
01:01:13,065 --> 01:01:17,528
But, Chazz, you realise this would just
set you back
984
01:01:17,653 --> 01:01:20,364
and further hurt your progress
985
01:01:20,489 --> 01:01:22,700
in maintaining control over your libido,
correct?
986
01:01:22,825 --> 01:01:24,994
Yes. Thank you, Taylor.
987
01:01:25,703 --> 01:01:27,037
Definitely.
988
01:01:27,621 --> 01:01:33,419
Until her friend, a massage therapist,
walked in the door naked.
989
01:01:33,544 --> 01:01:34,586
Easy, Chazz.
990
01:01:34,712 --> 01:01:36,171
With a big bottle of canola oil
991
01:01:36,296 --> 01:01:40,175
and a monkey who was trained
to work on a video camera.
992
01:01:40,300 --> 01:01:42,386
And she rocked my world.
993
01:01:42,511 --> 01:01:43,804
Guys!
994
01:01:43,929 --> 01:01:47,891
Chazz, I have asked you to leave before
and I don't wanna do it again.
995
01:01:48,017 --> 01:01:49,101
Taylor, come on, man.
996
01:01:49,226 --> 01:01:52,855
Let's just move on.
Who'd like to talk about Chlamydia?
997
01:01:52,980 --> 01:01:55,983
Syphilis, gonorrhoea, et cetera.
Should we...
998
01:01:56,734 --> 01:01:59,611
Hi. I'm sorry I'm late. I was
999
01:02:00,863 --> 01:02:03,323
having sex. A lot.
1000
01:02:03,449 --> 01:02:05,200
Welcome. Welcome.
1001
01:02:05,326 --> 01:02:07,703
Why don't you go ahead
and introduce yourself?
1002
01:02:07,828 --> 01:02:09,246
I know her.
1003
01:02:09,371 --> 01:02:10,831
I'm Katie.
1004
01:02:10,956 --> 01:02:12,082
And?
1005
01:02:12,958 --> 01:02:14,877
Oh, and I'm a sex addict.
1006
01:02:15,002 --> 01:02:16,170
Hi, Katie.
1007
01:02:16,295 --> 01:02:17,421
Hey, Katie.
1008
01:02:18,756 --> 01:02:21,842
Wow, so, you're a sex addict, too.
1009
01:02:21,967 --> 01:02:24,011
Sex, sex, sex. What can I say?
1010
01:02:24,136 --> 01:02:28,140
Right. Right. I mean, you said it all.
It's such a burden.
1011
01:02:28,265 --> 01:02:31,018
I mean, people don't realise what
we go through on a day-to-day basis.
1012
01:02:31,143 --> 01:02:34,229
Why don't you come to my room tonight
and we can comfort each other?
1013
01:02:34,355 --> 01:02:36,065
11:55 sharp.
1014
01:02:39,943 --> 01:02:42,237
Come on, people, break it up!
1015
01:02:52,289 --> 01:02:55,918
God grant me the serenity not
to have sex with my friend's girlfriend
1016
01:02:56,043 --> 01:03:00,005
the courage to go home tonight without
having sex with my friend's girlfriend
1017
01:03:00,130 --> 01:03:01,674
and the wisdom
to know that masturbation
1018
01:03:01,799 --> 01:03:04,927
is sometimes
the most sensible solution.
1019
01:03:05,052 --> 01:03:06,470
Yeah. Okay.
1020
01:03:10,683 --> 01:03:12,059
Oh, sweet Jesus.
1021
01:03:12,184 --> 01:03:14,561
You're right on time. Come in.
1022
01:03:20,067 --> 01:03:21,151
Would you like some champagne?
1023
01:03:21,276 --> 01:03:23,654
No, I can't, I...
1024
01:03:24,321 --> 01:03:26,740
Actually I just came by 'cause
I had something I had to say to you.
1025
01:03:26,865 --> 01:03:27,908
What?
1026
01:03:28,033 --> 01:03:30,786
Do you have a bathrobe or a parka
you could...
1027
01:03:30,911 --> 01:03:32,997
Sorry. I'm hot.
1028
01:03:34,248 --> 01:03:35,332
Wouldn't you feel more comfortable
1029
01:03:35,457 --> 01:03:38,460
saying what you need to say
from the bed?
1030
01:03:38,585 --> 01:03:40,212
Probably not.
1031
01:03:40,337 --> 01:03:41,547
It's a Posturepedic.
1032
01:03:41,672 --> 01:03:44,842
Well, then, in that case,
it's good for my back,
1033
01:03:44,967 --> 01:03:47,094
so might as well try it.
1034
01:03:48,470 --> 01:03:50,681
Okay, here it goes.
1035
01:03:50,806 --> 01:03:54,893
I know that sex,
I know that sex addiction is a disease.
1036
01:03:55,019 --> 01:03:56,395
Oh, God, they feel so good.
1037
01:03:56,520 --> 01:03:58,022
Oh, God, this is so wrong.
1038
01:03:58,147 --> 01:03:59,732
Jimmy's my friend.
I'm not gonna do this.
1039
01:03:59,857 --> 01:04:01,108
Wait. Do you really mean that?
1040
01:04:01,233 --> 01:04:03,360
Yes, I think so. No.
1041
01:04:04,028 --> 01:04:06,572
Yes, I do. I do.
I can't go through with this.
1042
01:04:06,697 --> 01:04:07,781
Thank God.
1043
01:04:07,906 --> 01:04:09,700
- Oh, God, what a relief.
- Yeah.
1044
01:04:09,825 --> 01:04:11,535
He's got a heart of gold.
1045
01:04:13,871 --> 01:04:17,124
You sex demon! You, you sex fiend!
1046
01:04:17,249 --> 01:04:19,293
No, you got it all wrong.
1047
01:04:20,169 --> 01:04:22,338
Impure! Impure!
1048
01:04:22,463 --> 01:04:24,089
- Jimmy, wait!
- Hey, wait! Brother man!
1049
01:04:24,214 --> 01:04:26,300
- Nothing happened!
- Jimmy!
1050
01:04:28,427 --> 01:04:30,304
Wait! Jimmy!
1051
01:04:30,429 --> 01:04:32,306
- Get away!
- Jimmy! No!
1052
01:04:32,973 --> 01:04:34,433
Damn it.
1053
01:04:38,354 --> 01:04:40,564
Come on, pick up. Come on, buddy.
1054
01:04:40,773 --> 01:04:43,817
Hey, it's Jimmy.
If you can dream it, you can do it.
1055
01:04:43,984 --> 01:04:45,569
Jimmy, it's me, Chazz.
1056
01:04:45,694 --> 01:04:49,281
Look, what happened back there,
so not a big deal.
1057
01:04:49,406 --> 01:04:53,911
Just think of it as like a boob handshake
between me and your lady's...
1058
01:04:54,036 --> 01:04:57,665
Look, that's not coming out right.
I'll explain it. Call me back, please.
1059
01:04:57,790 --> 01:04:59,375
It's me, Chazz.
1060
01:05:00,751 --> 01:05:02,336
I'm committed to this thing
called friendship.
1061
01:05:02,461 --> 01:05:03,587
And I ain't going nowhere.
1062
01:05:03,712 --> 01:05:06,215
And if you think I'm going anywhere,
you're wrong. You know why?
1063
01:05:06,340 --> 01:05:08,509
Because I will not back down, ever!
1064
01:05:08,634 --> 01:05:12,638
I've won a lot of radio contests,
because I refused to get off the line!
1065
01:05:12,763 --> 01:05:17,226
If we went to a Halloween party dressed
as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin.
1066
01:05:17,351 --> 01:05:18,977
That's how much you mean to me.
1067
01:05:19,103 --> 01:05:21,355
That was stupid that I said that.
You know what? No.
1068
01:05:21,480 --> 01:05:23,941
I don't think that's stupid.
I'm glad that I said that.
1069
01:05:24,441 --> 01:05:25,776
Hey, turd-face, guess what?
1070
01:05:25,901 --> 01:05:27,277
I've taken every single one
of your teddy bears,
1071
01:05:27,403 --> 01:05:29,613
and I've stuffed them down my pants.
1072
01:05:29,738 --> 01:05:33,367
Hey, yikes. Sorry.
1073
01:05:34,201 --> 01:05:39,123
For about a month,
my urine smelled like marshmallows.
1074
01:05:39,748 --> 01:05:42,710
♪ Don't wanna close my eyes ♪
1075
01:05:43,335 --> 01:05:48,132
♪ Don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I miss you Jimmy ♪
1076
01:05:48,465 --> 01:05:52,052
♪ And I don't wanna miss a thing ♪
1077
01:05:52,803 --> 01:05:55,931
So call me back now!
1078
01:05:59,184 --> 01:06:01,729
It's Jimmy.
If you can dream it, you can do it.
1079
01:06:02,354 --> 01:06:07,234
Hey, it's me again. Jimmy, please,
call me back, so I can explain.
1080
01:06:09,278 --> 01:06:14,116
Wow! Nice work.
Somebody got busy in a big way.
1081
01:06:14,241 --> 01:06:15,993
Scene of the crime.
1082
01:06:16,452 --> 01:06:18,662
For your information,
I didn't have sex with Chazz.
1083
01:06:18,787 --> 01:06:20,205
Fine. "Make love." Whatever.
1084
01:06:20,331 --> 01:06:21,749
I didn't sleep with Chazz.
1085
01:06:21,874 --> 01:06:23,625
- What?
- But congratulations!
1086
01:06:23,751 --> 01:06:26,712
- I feel as slimy as if I had.
- Where do you think you're going?
1087
01:06:26,837 --> 01:06:29,715
To make this right!
Jimmy needs to know the truth!
1088
01:06:29,840 --> 01:06:31,425
You would do that to your own family?
1089
01:06:31,550 --> 01:06:32,801
Don't give me that guilt trip.
1090
01:06:32,926 --> 01:06:36,180
After all we've done for you?
After all you did to Mom and Dad?
1091
01:06:36,305 --> 01:06:38,724
Mom and Dad
were not wearing their seatbelts
1092
01:06:38,849 --> 01:06:42,311
and they made
an improper left-hand turn.
1093
01:06:43,103 --> 01:06:45,481
Come on, Katie, don't go.
We love you and stuff.
1094
01:06:45,606 --> 01:06:48,359
Look, it's up to us, okay?
1095
01:06:48,484 --> 01:06:52,821
We are forced to take Michaels and
MacElroy out of play, no matter what.
1096
01:06:52,946 --> 01:06:55,699
That might require some bad behaviour.
1097
01:06:57,034 --> 01:07:01,538
Hello, and welcome to day three
of the Orbitz World Wintersport Games.
1098
01:07:01,664 --> 01:07:04,291
The best Chinese and Russian pairs
have fallen away,
1099
01:07:04,416 --> 01:07:06,960
setting up
the ultimate gold medal showdown.
1100
01:07:07,086 --> 01:07:11,965
Just two pairs remain. Both American.
Both hell-bent on reaching the top.
1101
01:07:12,716 --> 01:07:16,428
And it's come down to this.
Tonight, they leave it all on the ice.
1102
01:07:16,553 --> 01:07:17,805
The big story here is
1103
01:07:17,930 --> 01:07:20,891
the men's pairs figure skating team
of Michaels and MacElroy.
1104
01:07:21,016 --> 01:07:23,268
These same-gendered sensations
have taken
1105
01:07:23,394 --> 01:07:26,230
centre ice in the hearts of
millions of skating fans everywhere.
1106
01:07:26,355 --> 01:07:28,565
They've literally taken this sport
by storm.
1107
01:07:33,779 --> 01:07:34,822
Jimmy.
1108
01:07:35,072 --> 01:07:37,950
Jimmy's here at the arena, you ass.
1109
01:07:38,617 --> 01:07:42,037
He's been staring at a pack of gum
for nine hours. What'd you do to him?
1110
01:07:42,287 --> 01:07:43,831
I'm on my way.
1111
01:07:49,753 --> 01:07:51,005
Taxi!
1112
01:07:56,927 --> 01:08:01,098
World Wintersport Games.
And yes, I am Chazz Michael Michaels.
1113
01:08:02,599 --> 01:08:04,309
- Hey, Stranz.
- Hi.
1114
01:08:06,729 --> 01:08:11,150
Skaters, please clear the ice
in preparation for the pairs competition.
1115
01:08:25,164 --> 01:08:26,582
Thank you so much.
1116
01:08:27,458 --> 01:08:29,126
Oh, my gosh. Can you...
1117
01:08:31,337 --> 01:08:33,922
Sorry, Chazz. Nothing personal.
1118
01:08:36,592 --> 01:08:38,510
Actually, it's quite the opposite.
1119
01:08:38,635 --> 01:08:42,056
See, your days of
stealing the spotlight are over.
1120
01:08:45,809 --> 01:08:47,811
You crazy bastard!
1121
01:08:56,153 --> 01:08:57,446
Damn it.
1122
01:09:04,787 --> 01:09:06,246
What are you doing?
1123
01:09:09,917 --> 01:09:11,585
You are evil. Pure evil!
1124
01:09:11,710 --> 01:09:14,296
Your whole family's evil! Your brother.
1125
01:09:14,880 --> 01:09:16,131
And most of all, your sister.
1126
01:09:16,256 --> 01:09:18,634
Don't even think about putting us
in the same league.
1127
01:09:18,759 --> 01:09:21,136
If she was half the woman I was,
she would have done her job
1128
01:09:21,261 --> 01:09:23,180
and slept with your partner
like I told her to.
1129
01:09:23,305 --> 01:09:24,890
- She didn't?
- No.
1130
01:09:25,015 --> 01:09:27,351
She couldn't, because of you.
1131
01:09:27,893 --> 01:09:29,436
I don't get it.
1132
01:09:31,939 --> 01:09:34,900
Gross. Get me out of here!
Somebody help me!
1133
01:09:54,294 --> 01:09:56,964
Whoever invented rope
was a real a-hole.
1134
01:09:57,589 --> 01:10:02,386
I'm late, sis.
My hair is just not cooperating.
1135
01:10:03,846 --> 01:10:05,389
Oh, crap.
1136
01:10:09,768 --> 01:10:10,936
Okay.
1137
01:10:13,772 --> 01:10:15,983
Who's gonna save you now, Chazz?
1138
01:10:16,108 --> 01:10:19,862
Is Little Lord MacElroy gonna come
and meet you down here?
1139
01:10:34,710 --> 01:10:36,337
Oh, great.
1140
01:10:49,641 --> 01:10:51,310
Hey, there!
1141
01:10:51,769 --> 01:10:55,230
What are you doing there?
No. Wait, wait. It's okay. No.
1142
01:10:55,356 --> 01:10:57,608
Stranger danger! Stranger danger!
1143
01:10:57,733 --> 01:10:59,443
No, please!
1144
01:11:21,173 --> 01:11:23,133
Let's do it, Chazz!
1145
01:11:23,258 --> 01:11:27,388
All right, Stranz.
Time for a little Chazzle Dazzle.
1146
01:11:40,567 --> 01:11:41,902
Beautiful.
1147
01:11:43,779 --> 01:11:45,572
I'm coming, Chazz.
1148
01:12:38,709 --> 01:12:40,419
Give me your hand.
1149
01:12:40,961 --> 01:12:43,047
- I won't hurt you.
- I'm coming for you, Chazz!
1150
01:12:43,172 --> 01:12:44,840
Damn it, Stranz.
1151
01:12:45,924 --> 01:12:47,843
Have you seen Jimmy?
I can't find him anywhere.
1152
01:12:47,968 --> 01:12:49,178
Oh, yeah. He was here a minute ago.
1153
01:12:49,303 --> 01:12:52,306
And if you find him, would you tell him
to get his ass down here?
1154
01:13:00,439 --> 01:13:01,899
I really appreciate this.
1155
01:13:02,024 --> 01:13:05,819
That man who's chasing us
is trying to kill me. So, thanks.
1156
01:13:30,511 --> 01:13:33,639
Who are you supposed to be anyway?
Rod Serling?
1157
01:13:34,098 --> 01:13:35,641
JFK.
1158
01:13:37,142 --> 01:13:40,938
- It's gonna make sense.
- No, no, no. It'll be fine. Yeah.
1159
01:13:42,356 --> 01:13:43,732
That's lame.
1160
01:13:48,529 --> 01:13:50,531
Try to get through that!
1161
01:13:57,871 --> 01:13:59,623
Don't make me kill her.
1162
01:14:11,343 --> 01:14:12,970
Snowflake!
1163
01:14:55,637 --> 01:14:56,847
From the United States,
1164
01:14:56,972 --> 01:15:00,517
the pairs team of
Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg.
1165
01:15:02,353 --> 01:15:05,647
So, the favourites,
Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg
1166
01:15:05,773 --> 01:15:07,066
now taking the ice.
1167
01:15:07,191 --> 01:15:08,817
As Marilyn Monroe and JFK,
1168
01:15:08,942 --> 01:15:12,154
they'll be dramatising
a forbidden romance, Jim.
1169
01:15:12,655 --> 01:15:16,950
I take pride in the words,
"Ich bin ein Berliner!"
1170
01:15:32,257 --> 01:15:34,677
Calling for preparation on ice
of the United States team
1171
01:15:34,802 --> 01:15:36,804
of Michaels and MacElroy.
1172
01:15:38,847 --> 01:15:41,016
Well, that was an interesting take
on American history.
1173
01:15:41,141 --> 01:15:43,143
Indeed. I think it's worth noting,
1174
01:15:43,268 --> 01:15:46,647
the fantastic attention to detail
this pair has demonstrated.
1175
01:15:46,772 --> 01:15:50,567
An absolutely seamless use of props
integrated into choreography,
1176
01:15:50,693 --> 01:15:54,446
that is both physically impressive
and artistically moving.
1177
01:15:54,571 --> 01:15:57,616
A rare ballet of ice and history.
1178
01:15:57,741 --> 01:16:01,328
And those scores keep Stranz
and Fairchild in first place,
1179
01:16:01,453 --> 01:16:03,539
but Michaels and MacElroy are up next.
1180
01:16:03,998 --> 01:16:07,710
Coach! Coach! Did I make it in time?
Where's Chazz?
1181
01:16:07,835 --> 01:16:08,961
Where the hell you been?
1182
01:16:09,086 --> 01:16:11,296
Your partner's not here in 30 seconds,
I have to disqualify you.
1183
01:16:11,422 --> 01:16:12,423
I know, I know.
1184
01:16:13,465 --> 01:16:17,761
We're finished. Done. That's it. It's over.
Damn it. Just like that.
1185
01:16:18,846 --> 01:16:20,973
Coach, he'll be here.
1186
01:16:32,776 --> 01:16:34,236
Skaters to the ice.
1187
01:16:34,361 --> 01:16:37,364
Twenty seconds to disqualification.
1188
01:16:37,489 --> 01:16:40,868
Jimmy MacElroy stands alone
at centre ice.
1189
01:16:40,993 --> 01:16:44,121
And you have to wonder
what is going on.
1190
01:16:44,246 --> 01:16:47,333
Well, this is Rice without Montana.
1191
01:16:47,916 --> 01:16:51,628
Ali without Frazier.
Han Solo without Chewbacca.
1192
01:16:52,755 --> 01:16:53,964
Jimmy!
1193
01:16:57,760 --> 01:16:59,845
Hey, Jimmy! Jimmy!
1194
01:16:59,970 --> 01:17:01,221
Chazz!
1195
01:17:01,638 --> 01:17:05,434
Hey, I didn't sleep with Katie!
1196
01:17:05,559 --> 01:17:08,312
- I know!
- We didn't even get to second base.
1197
01:17:08,437 --> 01:17:10,356
Well, maybe I did.
1198
01:17:10,481 --> 01:17:12,816
What I felt in my pants
was weird and shameful.
1199
01:17:12,941 --> 01:17:14,610
Okay, we can discuss that later!
1200
01:17:14,735 --> 01:17:15,778
You kind of have to be down here
right now
1201
01:17:15,903 --> 01:17:17,237
or we're gonna be disqualified!
1202
01:17:17,363 --> 01:17:19,156
Katie is not a whore!
1203
01:17:19,281 --> 01:17:22,159
Okay, I get it! Just stop talking!
1204
01:17:22,284 --> 01:17:23,661
Okay! Okay!
1205
01:17:23,786 --> 01:17:25,704
- Skaters to the ice.
- Hold on!
1206
01:17:25,829 --> 01:17:28,457
Ten seconds to disqualification.
1207
01:17:31,794 --> 01:17:33,003
Wow.
1208
01:17:40,678 --> 01:17:41,845
Yeah!
1209
01:17:49,687 --> 01:17:53,357
Wow! A dramatic entrance
for Chazz Michael Michaels.
1210
01:17:54,316 --> 01:17:55,985
I'm okay!
1211
01:17:57,152 --> 01:17:58,362
I'm all right!
1212
01:18:01,699 --> 01:18:02,992
I'm okay.
1213
01:18:08,998 --> 01:18:11,041
And there's another
unique Michaels skill.
1214
01:18:11,166 --> 01:18:14,420
Out of his clothes in a hurry
when he has to.
1215
01:18:14,545 --> 01:18:15,754
And women's skating champion...
1216
01:18:15,879 --> 01:18:18,382
Sasha Cohen
catches Michaels' jock strap.
1217
01:18:18,507 --> 01:18:20,384
I love you, Chazz!
1218
01:18:27,808 --> 01:18:29,685
- I made it.
- I knew you would.
1219
01:18:30,144 --> 01:18:31,395
Let's capture the dream.
1220
01:18:31,520 --> 01:18:34,314
Capture the... I love it.
Where'd you come up with that?
1221
01:18:34,440 --> 01:18:36,984
- I have no idea where I came up with it.
- Cool.
1222
01:18:37,276 --> 01:18:39,445
- Let's kick some ice.
- Okay.
1223
01:18:44,450 --> 01:18:47,411
Well, Scott, the boys seem to be
using a science fiction theme tonight.
1224
01:18:47,536 --> 01:18:51,123
Fitting, considering these two men
may very well be the future of the sport.
1225
01:18:51,248 --> 01:18:52,499
Well, I'll tell you something, Jim.
1226
01:18:52,624 --> 01:18:55,002
It's like these two men did
beam in from outer space,
1227
01:18:55,127 --> 01:18:57,421
to flip this sport inside out.
1228
01:19:04,386 --> 01:19:05,929
The lights are on and so is this crowd.
1229
01:19:06,055 --> 01:19:08,599
A Mr Roboto to start the routine.
1230
01:19:10,934 --> 01:19:13,228
And they hit it beautifully!
1231
01:19:15,647 --> 01:19:18,567
Everything they do
is drenched in drama.
1232
01:19:21,654 --> 01:19:23,822
Side-by-side skate clashes.
1233
01:19:34,041 --> 01:19:36,210
And more sparks!
Look at the athleticism here!
1234
01:19:36,335 --> 01:19:38,212
No other pair in the world could do this!
1235
01:19:38,337 --> 01:19:40,714
Fireworks display in Montreal.
1236
01:19:40,839 --> 01:19:42,424
Incredible.
1237
01:19:47,638 --> 01:19:48,889
What are you doing?
1238
01:19:49,014 --> 01:19:51,934
We're freestyling.
You're the steak, I'm the sizzle.
1239
01:19:52,059 --> 01:19:53,060
We didn't practise that.
1240
01:19:53,185 --> 01:19:56,522
Do it for Katie.
Burn up the ice with your red hot love.
1241
01:20:10,911 --> 01:20:13,664
Michaels and MacElroy
turn up the thermostat.
1242
01:20:13,789 --> 01:20:16,667
These guys put the "bone" in Zamboni.
1243
01:20:17,209 --> 01:20:18,419
It's over.
1244
01:20:18,544 --> 01:20:20,045
All the endorsements, everything gone.
1245
01:20:20,170 --> 01:20:22,464
Oh, my God, I can't get a real job.
It'll kill me.
1246
01:20:22,589 --> 01:20:25,551
God, I have to do everything
in this family.
1247
01:20:38,397 --> 01:20:41,066
A serious stumble
in an otherwise perfect routine.
1248
01:20:41,191 --> 01:20:44,278
Perfection's what they need if
they want to beat Stranz and Fairchild.
1249
01:20:44,403 --> 01:20:46,447
- I think I broke my ankle.
- What?
1250
01:20:46,572 --> 01:20:48,949
I'm gonna put some weight on it to see.
1251
01:20:51,827 --> 01:20:54,955
I don't know, Scott.
I'm not sure, interpretive dance moves
1252
01:20:55,080 --> 01:20:56,623
are gonna win these judges over.
1253
01:20:56,749 --> 01:20:58,792
- What the hell are they doing?
- Something's wrong.
1254
01:20:58,917 --> 01:21:01,503
I can't do the Lotus
with a shattered ankle.
1255
01:21:01,628 --> 01:21:03,964
I'm just a man, for God's sake.
1256
01:21:05,174 --> 01:21:06,425
We'll switch places.
1257
01:21:06,550 --> 01:21:08,927
I swear to God, if you cut my head off.
1258
01:21:11,889 --> 01:21:13,974
They're going for the Iron Lotus,
in reverse.
1259
01:21:14,099 --> 01:21:16,560
My God.
This is happening all over again.
1260
01:21:19,855 --> 01:21:22,358
They're picking up speed
for something spectacular.
1261
01:21:22,483 --> 01:21:24,568
Looks like
they might be trying something...
1262
01:21:24,693 --> 01:21:26,236
I have never seen done.
1263
01:21:26,362 --> 01:21:28,822
It is the fabled Iron Lotus.
1264
01:21:28,947 --> 01:21:32,451
No! Don't do it! I was wrong!
It's suicide!
1265
01:22:16,912 --> 01:22:20,207
And they nail it!
Unbelievable performance!
1266
01:22:20,332 --> 01:22:23,002
This crowd is going wild!
They're on their feet!
1267
01:22:23,127 --> 01:22:27,464
I never thought I'd see it with
my own eyes, the fabled Iron Lotus!
1268
01:22:27,589 --> 01:22:30,718
A historic event here in Montreal.
1269
01:22:30,843 --> 01:22:33,887
Michaels and MacElroy
have brought the legend to life.
1270
01:22:34,138 --> 01:22:36,098
Scott, I seem to have wet my pants.
1271
01:22:36,223 --> 01:22:38,183
Chazz, Chazz. We did it!
1272
01:22:38,684 --> 01:22:40,811
- Did we win?
- I don't know.
1273
01:22:41,437 --> 01:22:43,522
I think I see the Virgin Mary.
1274
01:22:43,647 --> 01:22:45,357
No. That's not her.
1275
01:22:50,029 --> 01:22:52,865
We got you, Mr Michaels. Let's go.
1276
01:22:55,242 --> 01:22:56,785
- Oh, I don't wanna die.
- You'll be okay.
1277
01:22:56,910 --> 01:23:00,289
- I don't wanna die.
- Take a huff of that. Here we go.
1278
01:23:00,414 --> 01:23:01,957
I'm gonna have to cut your pants off.
1279
01:23:02,082 --> 01:23:05,669
Okay, but start up near the crotch.
That's a better access point.
1280
01:23:18,349 --> 01:23:19,600
You were incredible.
1281
01:23:19,725 --> 01:23:23,145
Really?
I thought my landing was all bad...
1282
01:23:28,067 --> 01:23:29,777
You've been practising.
1283
01:23:29,902 --> 01:23:32,112
Chazz taught me some stuff.
1284
01:23:45,292 --> 01:23:46,835
Stranz Van Waldenberg.
1285
01:23:46,960 --> 01:23:50,756
You're under arrest for the desecration
of an international icon.
1286
01:23:50,881 --> 01:23:52,174
Snowflake.
1287
01:23:53,300 --> 01:23:56,303
- It was her idea. She broke his ankle!
- What?
1288
01:23:57,429 --> 01:23:58,681
You idiot!
1289
01:23:58,806 --> 01:24:00,224
I hate you.
1290
01:24:07,398 --> 01:24:09,024
Come on now. Let's get out of here.
1291
01:24:09,149 --> 01:24:11,318
And that's why I was a sex addict.
1292
01:24:11,443 --> 01:24:13,737
Because no one ever loved me.
1293
01:24:14,446 --> 01:24:17,074
But I learned something here today.
1294
01:24:17,199 --> 01:24:20,327
That ice doesn't belong here.
1295
01:24:21,370 --> 01:24:23,205
It belongs out there.
1296
01:24:23,455 --> 01:24:26,750
Out on the ice in an ice rink.
1297
01:24:27,835 --> 01:24:30,045
I never had a father, okay?
1298
01:24:30,546 --> 01:24:32,214
But I don't care!
1299
01:24:32,589 --> 01:24:34,967
Because now I've got a brother.
1300
01:24:37,052 --> 01:24:38,762
This is my brother!
1301
01:24:39,054 --> 01:24:41,849
And this is my brother's new girlfriend.
1302
01:24:43,559 --> 01:24:45,602
And she is not a whore.
1303
01:24:46,520 --> 01:24:49,189
I'm in a lot of pain.
I feel like I'm gonna barf.
1304
01:24:49,315 --> 01:24:52,151
Chazz, they got to get you to a hospital.
Come on.
1305
01:24:52,276 --> 01:24:56,071
No. And miss the smell of sweet gold?
1306
01:24:57,740 --> 01:24:59,408
Not on your life.
1307
01:25:11,545 --> 01:25:12,755
Thank you.
1308
01:25:15,466 --> 01:25:19,094
Jimmy, you did it!
The gold medal, baby! You did it!
1309
01:25:19,219 --> 01:25:22,097
I wanna wear the gold medal, naked.
1310
01:25:22,806 --> 01:25:24,224
Thank you.
1311
01:25:31,398 --> 01:25:35,486
I've got something I wanna show you.
I had it done last weekend.
1312
01:25:38,697 --> 01:25:43,118
That's you,
the wolf that runs with the Lone Wolf.
1313
01:25:43,243 --> 01:25:46,622
So that the Lone Wolf
never has to be alone again.
1314
01:25:46,747 --> 01:25:48,791
That's how much you mean to me, bro.
1315
01:25:48,916 --> 01:25:50,292
You were drunk when you got it,
weren't you?
1316
01:25:50,417 --> 01:25:52,503
Yes. Absolutely hammered.
1317
01:25:53,379 --> 01:25:55,756
- Welcome to the pack.
- Thanks.
1318
01:25:57,299 --> 01:25:58,884
Let's get outta here.
1319
01:25:59,009 --> 01:26:00,469
- Now?
- Yeah.
1320
01:27:51,080 --> 01:27:52,665
USA!
1321
01:27:53,165 --> 01:27:56,669
The gold medal has been won
by Jimmy and Chazz,
1322
01:27:56,794 --> 01:27:59,129
thanks to Hector's idea!
1323
01:27:59,797 --> 01:28:01,215
We did it, Hector!
1324
01:28:01,382 --> 01:28:03,175
Boom! We sure did.
1325
01:28:03,634 --> 01:28:06,178
Thank you, Hector. He did it for us.
1326
01:28:06,845 --> 01:28:08,347
Where is Hector?
1327
01:28:08,472 --> 01:28:11,225
Here I am, guys. We did it. High-fives.
1328
01:28:11,684 --> 01:28:14,561
Cool. Way to go, guys. Gold medal.
1329
01:28:14,687 --> 01:28:17,564
You guys are the best. Hey, Jimmy?
1330
01:28:17,690 --> 01:28:19,274
Yeah, Hector?
1331
01:28:19,733 --> 01:28:21,944
Can you give me a time-out here
with Chazz?
1332
01:28:22,069 --> 01:28:23,654
Yeah, sure. Are you crying?
1333
01:28:23,779 --> 01:28:25,531
No. I'm fine.
1334
01:28:25,990 --> 01:28:29,535
Okay. I'll go over here. Sandwich.
1335
01:28:30,202 --> 01:28:31,912
Hey. Chazz?
1336
01:28:32,413 --> 01:28:34,123
What is it? Boom.
1337
01:28:34,248 --> 01:28:37,292
I just wanna say
you guys are partners now.
1338
01:28:37,793 --> 01:28:39,503
I've been friends with him forever,
1339
01:28:39,628 --> 01:28:41,797
and you take good care of him.
1340
01:28:41,922 --> 01:28:43,465
I will. Boom.
1341
01:28:43,590 --> 01:28:45,551
He just, he loves food.
1342
01:28:45,676 --> 01:28:48,554
And he likes dreams and whispers
1343
01:28:48,679 --> 01:28:51,140
and his favourite movie is Short Circuit
1344
01:28:51,265 --> 01:28:53,225
and Fried Green Tomatoes.
1345
01:28:53,350 --> 01:28:56,061
And just watch over him. All right?
1346
01:28:56,186 --> 01:28:59,106
I will. Boom.
You have my word. High-five.
1347
01:28:59,773 --> 01:29:01,275
God bless you.
1348
01:29:01,734 --> 01:29:04,028
Sweet. Jimmy, you can come back.
1349
01:29:04,153 --> 01:29:06,030
What you guys were talking about?
1350
01:29:06,155 --> 01:29:08,073
Just stuff, you know.
1351
01:29:08,198 --> 01:29:10,409
Hey, guys, you're amazing.
1352
01:29:10,534 --> 01:29:13,078
I just wanna say keep dreaming
1353
01:29:13,454 --> 01:29:16,206
because there's a lot of dreams
to be had.
1354
01:29:16,332 --> 01:29:17,624
USA.
1355
01:29:19,918 --> 01:29:21,211
USA.