1 00:00:47,610 --> 00:00:52,520 Centuries ago, during the dawn of the red moon, 2 00:00:52,697 --> 00:00:56,776 our peaceful hamlet was terrorised by a beast... 3 00:00:59,245 --> 00:01:02,280 ... born not of man, but spewed forth 4 00:01:02,455 --> 00:01:06,582 from the fieriest pits of Hades... 5 00:01:06,751 --> 00:01:12,040 ... with an evil fuelled by a hatred of men and a love of women. 6 00:01:12,213 --> 00:01:17,206 Its name: Carmilla, the vampire queen. 7 00:01:17,384 --> 00:01:20,467 No one could defeat her, save one man: 8 00:01:20,637 --> 00:01:26,140 A baron away for decades fighting in the Crusades. 9 00:01:26,308 --> 00:01:29,758 Upon his return, the baron found that Carmilla's desires 10 00:01:29,936 --> 00:01:33,019 had ensnared his beautiful wife, Eva, 11 00:01:33,189 --> 00:01:35,857 and turned her into a lover of the vagine. 12 00:01:36,025 --> 00:01:37,898 No! 13 00:01:40,236 --> 00:01:43,604 Consumed with vengeance, the baron pledged to destroy Carmilla 14 00:01:43,948 --> 00:01:45,525 and flee the village. 15 00:01:46,825 --> 00:01:49,196 He unearthed the sacred Books of Nekros, 16 00:01:49,369 --> 00:01:51,906 where he discovered the only way of slaying 17 00:01:52,079 --> 00:01:56,455 this unholy harpy, once and for all, was to forge a sacred sword, 18 00:01:56,625 --> 00:02:00,918 a weapon blessed with an ancient Babylonian hex... 19 00:02:01,087 --> 00:02:04,206 ...and infused with his own blood. 20 00:02:04,381 --> 00:02:08,543 Without fear, he confronted Carmilla. 21 00:02:15,932 --> 00:02:19,631 But before the baron could strike the fatal blow, 22 00:02:19,810 --> 00:02:23,178 Carmilla laid down a curse most vile. 23 00:02:23,355 --> 00:02:26,438 As you strike me down, so you shall release evil 24 00:02:26,608 --> 00:02:29,857 within me into your daughters and your daughters' daughters, 25 00:02:30,027 --> 00:02:33,976 and they shall not rest until your bloodline's ended. 26 00:02:34,156 --> 00:02:37,820 They will know your breed by these marks above your heart. 27 00:02:37,992 --> 00:02:41,075 And when the life's blood of the last of your line 28 00:02:41,245 --> 00:02:43,367 mixes with that of a virgin girl, 29 00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:49,622 I shall rise again, more powerful than you will ever imagine. 30 00:02:49,793 --> 00:02:52,497 And with that, he lopped her fucking head off. 31 00:02:56,757 --> 00:02:59,247 Henceforth, every woman in our village, 32 00:02:59,426 --> 00:03:02,794 upon her 18th birthday, is turned by the curse 33 00:03:02,971 --> 00:03:05,924 and reborn a lesbian vampire. 34 00:03:06,098 --> 00:03:09,430 Our only salvation is a prophecy that foretells of the day 35 00:03:09,601 --> 00:03:12,221 when the last descendent of the baron's bloodline 36 00:03:12,395 --> 00:03:15,929 shall return to this hamlet and vanquish Carmilla's curse forever. 37 00:03:18,067 --> 00:03:20,639 That time... has begun. 38 00:03:20,819 --> 00:03:25,978 - I'm not happy, Jimmy. - Why? What did I do wrong? 39 00:03:26,156 --> 00:03:29,156 Things are different now to how they used to be. 40 00:03:29,326 --> 00:03:32,776 I just don't love you anymore. No, I love you. 41 00:03:32,954 --> 00:03:36,452 I'm just not in love with you. 42 00:03:36,623 --> 00:03:40,750 - You know I'll always love you. - You say that every time you dump me. 43 00:03:40,919 --> 00:03:43,919 I don't dump you, Jimmy. I just take time out 44 00:03:44,088 --> 00:03:46,874 to re-evaluate the parameters of our relationship. 45 00:03:47,049 --> 00:03:51,793 That's what makes us so strong together. 46 00:03:51,969 --> 00:03:55,218 If we're that strong together, why are you dumping me... again? 47 00:03:55,389 --> 00:03:59,386 I'm not dumping you. I just think we're stronger together apart. 48 00:03:59,559 --> 00:04:01,847 That doesn't make grammatical sense, so... 49 00:04:02,019 --> 00:04:06,312 Feel it with your heart, and know what I'm saying is true. 50 00:04:06,481 --> 00:04:10,892 - So... you are dumping me? - No. 51 00:04:11,068 --> 00:04:13,819 But, also in a sense, yes. 52 00:04:15,197 --> 00:04:17,189 - Yes! - Shit. 53 00:04:21,952 --> 00:04:23,695 I'm not happy, Fletch. 54 00:04:23,870 --> 00:04:25,992 I'm trying my best, Miss Rossi. 55 00:04:26,164 --> 00:04:27,907 Your bestjust isn't good enough. 56 00:04:28,249 --> 00:04:30,953 - What more do you want me to do? - I don't know. 57 00:04:31,126 --> 00:04:33,367 - This has to be the end of the line. - What? 58 00:04:33,545 --> 00:04:36,664 - What did I do wrong? - You punched him in the face. 59 00:04:36,839 --> 00:04:40,586 You know what I get like when people mess with my shit. He had it coming. 60 00:04:40,759 --> 00:04:43,331 He was seven. You're a children's clown. 61 00:04:43,511 --> 00:04:46,345 Old enough to know not to go messing with my shit. 62 00:04:46,514 --> 00:04:47,972 Fletch, you punched a child. 63 00:04:48,182 --> 00:04:50,637 He was spraying me with my own seltzer bottle. 64 00:04:50,809 --> 00:04:53,643 - What was I supposed to do? - Not hit him. 65 00:04:53,812 --> 00:04:57,394 Then he shouldn't be spraying my ball sac. It was only a tap. 66 00:04:57,565 --> 00:05:01,099 - You gave him a bloody nose! - I look like I pissed myself! 67 00:05:01,276 --> 00:05:05,273 Christ, Fletch. I don't know why you do these things. 68 00:05:06,989 --> 00:05:08,648 I guess I just don't like kids. 69 00:05:08,824 --> 00:05:12,026 I keep telling you, they're a pre-requisite of the job. 70 00:05:12,202 --> 00:05:14,822 I know. A slight problem. 71 00:05:15,788 --> 00:05:18,278 Maybe I could just be a clown for adults. 72 00:05:19,124 --> 00:05:23,251 - You're fired. - Do I get to keep the costume? 73 00:05:23,419 --> 00:05:27,285 No. Drop your costume at the desk on the way out. Goodbye, Fletch. 74 00:05:37,139 --> 00:05:39,546 - Do I get this week's money? - Goodbye, Fletch. 75 00:06:10,875 --> 00:06:13,163 I've come up with a plan for getting her back. 76 00:06:13,335 --> 00:06:14,876 What, like revenge? 77 00:06:15,045 --> 00:06:18,662 No, getting her back, not "getting her back" getting her back. 78 00:06:18,840 --> 00:06:22,919 Getting her back. Number one: Take her on holiday. 79 00:06:23,093 --> 00:06:25,464 Stop there. That's just fucking stupid. 80 00:06:25,637 --> 00:06:28,507 - The two of us, on our own... - On your own? 81 00:06:28,681 --> 00:06:31,965 Like when you went to Falaraki and she dumped you and banged that 82 00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:34,466 water ski instructor with highlights and necklace? 83 00:06:34,644 --> 00:06:37,644 She didn't dump me. She told me she was just... confused. 84 00:06:37,813 --> 00:06:40,481 Not that confused she couldn't figure out where to put his cock. 85 00:06:40,649 --> 00:06:45,226 - That's my bird you're talking about. - No. No, it isn't. Not anymore. 86 00:06:47,113 --> 00:06:50,563 Look, you need to get away from all this shit. 87 00:06:50,741 --> 00:06:53,231 Let us have a wacky adventure, you and me. 88 00:06:53,410 --> 00:06:56,742 I'm not gonna bum you, but I think you could use a distraction. 89 00:06:56,912 --> 00:07:00,529 Say what you like, but you cannot deny I am incredibly distracting. 90 00:07:00,707 --> 00:07:02,948 - Some might say annoying. - And that... 91 00:07:04,168 --> 00:07:06,836 I don't know. Where do you suggest we go? 92 00:07:08,172 --> 00:07:10,330 lbiza. 93 00:07:11,424 --> 00:07:16,464 The sun, the sea, the sand, clubs and fanny. 94 00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:22,222 Lots and lots of fanny. Loads and loads of fanny. 95 00:07:22,392 --> 00:07:25,760 A gargantuan amount of "vajay". 96 00:07:25,936 --> 00:07:29,055 All wanting to shag you, Jimmy McLaren, 97 00:07:29,231 --> 00:07:34,022 and if there's a few stragglers who fancy a go on me, then so be it. 98 00:07:35,861 --> 00:07:37,402 I can't. I'm skint. 99 00:07:37,571 --> 00:07:40,239 What? I thought you had loads saved up. 100 00:07:40,406 --> 00:07:42,528 Yeah... I lent it to Judy to buy a car. 101 00:07:42,700 --> 00:07:47,195 Oh, my God! Why don't you just get "total twat" tattooed on your forehead? 102 00:07:47,370 --> 00:07:50,204 Can't you see what that witch has done to our lives? 103 00:07:50,373 --> 00:07:54,666 Relied on that money for my holiday. Our holiday, I mean. 104 00:07:54,835 --> 00:07:58,203 - How much have you got? - Um... 105 00:07:58,379 --> 00:08:00,287 Uh, well... 106 00:08:00,464 --> 00:08:03,084 Tricky, because I've sort of been sacked. 107 00:08:03,258 --> 00:08:05,131 - You hit another girl? - It was a boy. 108 00:08:05,302 --> 00:08:06,843 I don't want to talk about it. 109 00:08:07,011 --> 00:08:11,672 So what we're essentially saying is that neither of us can afford to go anywhere. 110 00:08:11,849 --> 00:08:13,129 - Pretty much. - Brilliant. 111 00:08:33,992 --> 00:08:36,945 Uh, hello. Wasn't expecting you. 112 00:08:37,119 --> 00:08:39,905 - I've finally done it! - Done what? 113 00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:44,077 Get the "champers" on ice. I'm all yours, honey. 114 00:08:44,250 --> 00:08:48,578 - Oh, bloody hell. - I've left him for good this time, 115 00:08:48,754 --> 00:08:51,956 so you and me can have fun. 116 00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:54,622 You've done what? 117 00:08:54,801 --> 00:08:57,884 Let's celebrate. Naughty boy! 118 00:09:01,723 --> 00:09:03,631 Who the hell are you? 119 00:09:04,976 --> 00:09:08,178 - Who the hell are you? - I'm his girlfriend. 120 00:09:08,353 --> 00:09:13,975 Really? I'm his wife. 121 00:09:14,150 --> 00:09:16,687 Right. 122 00:09:21,781 --> 00:09:23,689 - Dave, get back here! - In my defence, 123 00:09:23,866 --> 00:09:26,486 I never meant for you to find out. 124 00:09:34,959 --> 00:09:38,872 - I got a plan. - Does it involve girls? 125 00:09:39,045 --> 00:09:42,543 - It's cheap. - Yeah. Does it involve girls? 126 00:09:42,715 --> 00:09:46,297 Let's... go... hiking. 127 00:09:49,887 --> 00:09:53,337 That... is one of the most depressingly shitty 128 00:09:53,515 --> 00:09:56,799 ideas for a holiday I've ever heard in my life, ever. 129 00:09:56,977 --> 00:10:00,843 - It's a great idea. - You're a penis! 130 00:10:02,564 --> 00:10:05,813 Wherever it lands on the map, we go there. 131 00:10:05,984 --> 00:10:08,023 Leave it to the hands of fate. 132 00:10:08,194 --> 00:10:09,438 - What do you say? - No. 133 00:10:09,612 --> 00:10:11,900 - It'll be brilliant. - It will be shit. 134 00:10:12,072 --> 00:10:13,863 Let the dart show us the way. 135 00:10:15,700 --> 00:10:17,324 All right, then. Fuck it. 136 00:10:17,493 --> 00:10:20,825 I'm only agreeing because I'm feeling for you right now, 137 00:10:20,996 --> 00:10:24,862 and because I'm unbelievably shit-faced. 138 00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:28,076 Throw it like you mean it, McLaren. 139 00:10:47,435 --> 00:10:50,637 I never heard of it. How do you say it? Crag... 140 00:10:50,812 --> 00:10:53,480 Cragwi... Cragwich? 141 00:10:53,648 --> 00:10:58,439 It's spelled A-D-V-N-T-U-R-E, my friend. 142 00:11:00,445 --> 00:11:02,769 Christ, you're a tit! 143 00:11:14,540 --> 00:11:18,204 Get that? 144 00:11:18,377 --> 00:11:20,914 Country air. Nothing like it. 145 00:11:21,087 --> 00:11:23,577 Smells like normal air with cow shit in it. 146 00:11:23,756 --> 00:11:26,709 Exactly. Nothing like the pervading stench of faeces 147 00:11:26,883 --> 00:11:28,958 to take your mind off your troubles. 148 00:11:31,471 --> 00:11:33,795 Have you brought anything besides beer? 149 00:11:39,644 --> 00:11:42,312 You're expecting a water bomb fight or something? 150 00:11:52,988 --> 00:11:54,896 - Hello? - Jimmy, it's me. 151 00:11:55,073 --> 00:11:57,480 - Judy? - Yes! Look, Jimmy. 152 00:11:57,659 --> 00:12:01,193 I've been thinking, and I realise I've made a terrible mistake. 153 00:12:01,370 --> 00:12:04,952 I want to come back, Jimmy. I... love you. 154 00:12:05,123 --> 00:12:06,866 - What? - I love you! 155 00:12:07,041 --> 00:12:10,740 Hello? 156 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,828 I can't hear... Hello? 157 00:12:13,005 --> 00:12:15,875 Judy? 158 00:12:16,049 --> 00:12:18,005 I'll drive to meet you. 159 00:12:18,175 --> 00:12:21,709 We can talk, the two of us. We can work everything out. 160 00:12:21,887 --> 00:12:25,255 When I get there, you can wear my panties. 161 00:12:35,315 --> 00:12:40,023 - Why'd you do that? - We are here to hike. 162 00:12:40,194 --> 00:12:44,143 But... I can't fucking believe you just done that! 163 00:12:44,322 --> 00:12:47,156 OK, maybe I did overreact a bit, and I'm sorry. 164 00:12:47,324 --> 00:12:50,240 I'll, um, buy you another one. Jim... 165 00:12:50,410 --> 00:12:52,651 Jim! 166 00:13:01,669 --> 00:13:03,577 Hold up a minute. 167 00:13:12,929 --> 00:13:15,845 Can't we take a little rest? I'm getting a stitch. 168 00:13:16,015 --> 00:13:19,181 We've only been walking for three minutes. 169 00:13:19,351 --> 00:13:22,386 Yeah, but you're not walking. You're virtually running. 170 00:13:22,562 --> 00:13:24,305 It's like you're in a mood with me. 171 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:28,642 - I can't imagine why. Can you? - You're getting a real attitude. 172 00:13:28,817 --> 00:13:30,892 - Oh, fuck off. - No, you fuck off. 173 00:13:31,069 --> 00:13:33,559 I've dragged my arse to some leafy shit-hole 174 00:13:33,737 --> 00:13:37,401 I can't even pronounce, for you, and look how ungrateful you're being. 175 00:13:37,574 --> 00:13:41,405 Ungrateful? You stamped on my phone whilst Judy was trying to make up. 176 00:13:41,577 --> 00:13:43,450 What? Like the last seven times? 177 00:13:43,620 --> 00:13:46,869 You're a mental case holding out for that serial dumper 178 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:50,739 to have you back for the... drum roll, please... eighth fucking time. 179 00:13:50,918 --> 00:13:53,325 That's why we're here rather than somewhere 180 00:13:53,504 --> 00:13:56,420 it might be remotely possible to engage a solitary woman 181 00:13:56,589 --> 00:13:59,293 in so much as a polite conversation. 182 00:14:01,260 --> 00:14:03,465 - There might be girls. - Will there? Balls. 183 00:14:55,971 --> 00:15:00,133 What are the chances? 184 00:15:04,186 --> 00:15:06,142 Come on, Jim. They came from there. 185 00:15:06,313 --> 00:15:09,895 - Yeah. So? - "So"? 186 00:15:10,066 --> 00:15:13,066 Are you some kind of eunuch or something? 187 00:15:13,236 --> 00:15:17,019 Not bad enough that woman's robbed you of brains, but testicles and all. 188 00:15:17,197 --> 00:15:19,604 I'm sorry. I'm claiming your testicles back. 189 00:15:19,783 --> 00:15:23,530 No... Not that I literally want your test... 190 00:15:23,702 --> 00:15:27,117 That's just sick. Look. They're just the beginning. 191 00:15:27,289 --> 00:15:29,993 These small, rural places are renowned for breeding 192 00:15:30,166 --> 00:15:33,581 the créme de la créme of the female form. It's the fresh air. 193 00:15:33,752 --> 00:15:37,369 They go a bundle for city boys like you and me. Impressive we are, mate. 194 00:15:37,547 --> 00:15:40,796 I guarantee this place will be wall to wall with rosy-cheeked 195 00:15:40,967 --> 00:15:44,833 English country maidens, like that lot, but even dirtier. 196 00:15:52,810 --> 00:15:55,929 It's like some sort of medieval gay bar. 197 00:15:56,104 --> 00:15:58,179 Don't sweat it. 198 00:15:59,649 --> 00:16:02,056 The womenfolk are all off braiding their hair 199 00:16:02,234 --> 00:16:05,187 in some kind of naked fertility ceremony or something. 200 00:16:05,362 --> 00:16:08,481 That village green will be full of heaving tits by sundown. 201 00:16:08,656 --> 00:16:11,656 - These guys look weird. - Just relax. 202 00:16:11,825 --> 00:16:14,529 They're just blokes, like you and I. 203 00:16:14,703 --> 00:16:17,619 They like a beer, enjoy a scented candle. 204 00:16:17,788 --> 00:16:21,831 They're my kind of people. I can relate. Stick with me. 205 00:16:28,756 --> 00:16:30,499 Good morrow. 206 00:16:30,674 --> 00:16:34,587 Two flagons of ale, please, sir. 207 00:16:38,764 --> 00:16:41,171 There you go. 208 00:16:41,349 --> 00:16:44,265 Compliments of the house, lads. 209 00:16:54,569 --> 00:16:56,561 Thank you. 210 00:17:11,124 --> 00:17:16,034 Keep it together, mate. Keep it together. 211 00:17:16,211 --> 00:17:19,211 I'm just a bit worried I'm going to get raped. 212 00:17:24,551 --> 00:17:27,421 So how many more, Tom? How many more? 213 00:17:27,596 --> 00:17:30,430 Don't you be all high and mighty with me, vicar. 214 00:17:30,598 --> 00:17:32,803 We have to stop this madness. 215 00:17:32,975 --> 00:17:36,509 - Reckon that's his daughter? - If it's not, that's one dirty vicar. 216 00:17:36,686 --> 00:17:38,642 We can't let more innocent people die! 217 00:17:38,813 --> 00:17:42,311 - Then what? Then they'll come for us! - Oh. Hi. 218 00:17:42,483 --> 00:17:46,526 Don't you see they have us already? Our women are cursed, 219 00:17:46,695 --> 00:17:49,315 and we are spineless fools who let it happen. 220 00:17:49,488 --> 00:17:53,070 I know it's hard, vicar, what with your Rebecca turning 18... 221 00:17:53,242 --> 00:17:54,321 Eighteen? Love it. 222 00:17:54,493 --> 00:18:00,115 Together we can stop this. You are either with me or against me. 223 00:18:00,289 --> 00:18:01,747 What a tosser. 224 00:18:02,708 --> 00:18:04,332 Who is with me? 225 00:18:09,838 --> 00:18:11,296 No, it can't be. 226 00:18:12,591 --> 00:18:14,001 No, that's impossible. 227 00:18:15,468 --> 00:18:19,215 - It can't be you. What is your name? - Hey, this cost 25 quid, mate! 228 00:18:19,388 --> 00:18:23,005 - That is enough, Father. Enough! - Daddy! 229 00:18:23,183 --> 00:18:25,341 Come, child. 230 00:18:31,314 --> 00:18:35,607 Does he know you? Have you been hanging out with vicars? 231 00:18:35,776 --> 00:18:39,559 - Never seen him before in my life. - Sorry about that, lads. 232 00:18:39,738 --> 00:18:43,320 Here you go. No hard feelings, eh? 233 00:18:43,491 --> 00:18:47,534 Sorry for the vicar. He's a strange sort. 234 00:18:47,703 --> 00:18:51,782 If you lads want a bed for the night, 235 00:18:51,956 --> 00:18:54,446 there be a cottage, the old Mircalla place, 236 00:18:54,625 --> 00:18:56,533 not two miles down the road. 237 00:18:57,794 --> 00:18:59,999 Oh, that's great, but how much is it? 238 00:19:00,171 --> 00:19:02,376 - We're a bit light on the old... - Money. 239 00:19:02,548 --> 00:19:06,082 Oh, it don't cost nothing. The doors are always open. 240 00:19:06,260 --> 00:19:12,012 Any weary traveller can expect a nice, long rest. 241 00:19:12,181 --> 00:19:16,723 You, sir, are a scholar and a gent. 242 00:19:16,893 --> 00:19:20,391 If there's one thing I like more than free booze, it's a free bed. 243 00:19:20,563 --> 00:19:21,807 Thank you very much. 244 00:19:21,981 --> 00:19:24,553 Might be a bit of a tight squeeze, though. 245 00:19:24,733 --> 00:19:29,109 I sent some beautiful young girls down there not too long ago. 246 00:20:01,138 --> 00:20:02,631 What's wrong with it? 247 00:20:02,806 --> 00:20:06,637 Come on, come on. Don't break down on us now. Come on! 248 00:20:06,809 --> 00:20:09,809 Come on! What? 249 00:20:21,446 --> 00:20:24,197 - Come on! - That'll really help, Lotte. 250 00:20:24,365 --> 00:20:26,985 - We're screwed. - Ja. 251 00:20:27,159 --> 00:20:31,405 Great. We're in the middle of nowhere, miles from anywhere. 252 00:20:31,580 --> 00:20:33,702 Are you sure you put petrol in? 253 00:20:33,873 --> 00:20:37,157 - Anke, for the fifth time, yes. - Just checking. 254 00:20:37,334 --> 00:20:40,168 Well, let us walk to the cottage. We must be close. 255 00:20:40,337 --> 00:20:43,088 The landlord said it was only a few miles. 256 00:20:43,256 --> 00:20:46,007 - Ja. - We're closer to the inn. 257 00:20:46,175 --> 00:20:47,882 We should go get help. 258 00:20:49,386 --> 00:20:52,006 Ja. Ja. 259 00:20:53,306 --> 00:20:57,255 I'm only going back there with knives. Those men were freaky. 260 00:20:58,185 --> 00:21:00,805 - I think we should stay with the van. - Ja. 261 00:21:00,979 --> 00:21:04,429 Oh... 262 00:21:10,445 --> 00:21:12,353 Do you hear that? 263 00:21:12,530 --> 00:21:15,102 What is it? 264 00:21:16,074 --> 00:21:18,529 There's something out there. 265 00:21:18,701 --> 00:21:21,072 - Stop scaring us, Lotte. - Ja. 266 00:21:21,245 --> 00:21:24,115 Listen, listen! 267 00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:28,992 It's coming from the roof! 268 00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:33,457 - It is probably just a branch. - A branch? 269 00:21:33,630 --> 00:21:34,661 Ja. 270 00:21:51,854 --> 00:21:54,807 I told you! 271 00:22:01,070 --> 00:22:03,856 - Evening, ladies. - Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you. 272 00:22:04,030 --> 00:22:05,938 Excuse us. Our van just broke down, 273 00:22:06,115 --> 00:22:09,898 - and we were a little bit spooked. - Seems OK now. 274 00:22:10,077 --> 00:22:13,361 Anyhow, hi, I'm Lotte. 275 00:22:13,538 --> 00:22:16,242 This is Anke, Heidi and Trudi. 276 00:22:16,415 --> 00:22:21,241 Hello, Lotte, Andy, Eric. Hello, girls. 277 00:22:22,587 --> 00:22:25,421 - Beer? - Oh, ja! 278 00:22:25,590 --> 00:22:26,787 Ja, ja, ja! 279 00:22:27,716 --> 00:22:29,542 You're my type of girl. 280 00:22:33,221 --> 00:22:34,465 The name's Fletch. 281 00:22:37,141 --> 00:22:39,596 - What's your name? - That's my man, Jimmy. 282 00:22:39,768 --> 00:22:42,388 He's had his heart broken. It's tragic. 283 00:22:42,562 --> 00:22:45,432 - Oh! - It's just tragic. Really is. 284 00:22:45,606 --> 00:22:48,725 - Hello, Jimmy. - All right. 285 00:22:48,900 --> 00:22:53,940 So, what are four lovely ladies like you doing here on a night like this? 286 00:22:54,113 --> 00:22:56,520 We're on our way to the Mircalla cottage. 287 00:23:00,034 --> 00:23:02,322 There's an uncanny stroke of luck! 288 00:23:02,495 --> 00:23:07,072 These girls are all going to the exact same cottage that we are. 289 00:23:09,792 --> 00:23:12,911 - Yes! Yes! - Yes! Yes! 290 00:23:13,087 --> 00:23:15,162 Great. 291 00:23:15,339 --> 00:23:18,671 - Do you want to ride with us? - Thanks. That's very nice of you. 292 00:23:18,842 --> 00:23:20,668 - Oh, yeah! - Take a seat. 293 00:23:20,843 --> 00:23:22,751 When in Rome. 294 00:23:22,928 --> 00:23:27,589 - Be careful. You know what happens. - Relax. It's fine. 295 00:23:32,186 --> 00:23:34,890 OK, let's go. 296 00:23:46,030 --> 00:23:49,445 A couple of young fellows were in here not an hour ago. 297 00:23:49,617 --> 00:23:53,316 Directed them towards the cottage not a couple of miles down the road. 298 00:23:53,495 --> 00:23:55,950 What? Just carry on down the road? 299 00:23:56,122 --> 00:24:00,996 There you go, miss. Carry straight on down, and you can't fail to see it. 300 00:24:02,377 --> 00:24:04,285 Now, she was a pretty one. 301 00:24:04,462 --> 00:24:07,912 They always are, Sidney. 302 00:24:08,090 --> 00:24:14,292 Sirens. Cold, bewitching demons, every last one of them. 303 00:24:17,223 --> 00:24:18,930 Pint, Jack? 304 00:24:46,455 --> 00:24:50,701 - Wow. This place is amazing! - Oh, I love it! 305 00:24:50,875 --> 00:24:53,661 - Oh, cool! - They got beers! 306 00:24:53,836 --> 00:24:56,291 Can we actually move here? 307 00:24:56,463 --> 00:24:57,956 - Yes! - Yes, let's move in! 308 00:25:10,725 --> 00:25:13,393 Let's party! 309 00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:16,726 - We need Schnapps! - Rack 'em up! Rack 'em up! 310 00:25:16,897 --> 00:25:19,601 All right! Yes! 311 00:25:19,774 --> 00:25:22,893 J man, bottoms up! 312 00:25:23,068 --> 00:25:25,640 - Bottoms up! - Cocks in. 313 00:25:26,655 --> 00:25:30,023 - Oh, yummy! - Let's dance! 314 00:25:30,199 --> 00:25:31,942 Oh! 315 00:25:53,969 --> 00:25:57,633 This might be the best night of my entire fucking life! 316 00:25:59,973 --> 00:26:03,637 Room for the Fletchmeister? Yes? Yes? 317 00:26:14,027 --> 00:26:15,651 I love hiking! 318 00:26:27,329 --> 00:26:29,819 Take your clothes off! 319 00:26:29,998 --> 00:26:33,448 Take your clothes off! 320 00:26:39,798 --> 00:26:42,466 Do you know of Carmilla? 321 00:26:42,633 --> 00:26:47,673 - Uh, no. Is that who it is? - Yes. 322 00:26:47,846 --> 00:26:51,296 - Carmilla. She's why we're all here. - Eh? 323 00:26:51,474 --> 00:26:56,051 We're students of folklore and ancient superstition. We're on a field trip. 324 00:26:56,228 --> 00:26:59,810 This village is home to the legend of Carmilla, the vampire queen. 325 00:26:59,981 --> 00:27:02,388 - Vampire queen? - According to legend, 326 00:27:02,566 --> 00:27:05,685 she's much, much more than just your average vampire queen. 327 00:27:05,861 --> 00:27:07,817 Some say she's 2,000 years old. 328 00:27:07,988 --> 00:27:10,525 You believe in that Dungeons & Dragons rubbish? 329 00:27:10,698 --> 00:27:13,568 Where I grew up, we're very superstitious. 330 00:27:13,742 --> 00:27:16,695 Cragwich is particularly fascinating to me. 331 00:27:16,870 --> 00:27:19,538 The book of folklore tells the story of this village, 332 00:27:19,705 --> 00:27:22,076 and what Carmilla did to it and its daughters. 333 00:27:22,249 --> 00:27:25,368 Even the bravest man shrinks in fear, and the bravest woman 334 00:27:25,544 --> 00:27:28,579 quivers with desire at the mere mention of her name. 335 00:27:29,463 --> 00:27:31,170 Carmilla, the vampire queen. 336 00:27:39,513 --> 00:27:41,671 Hey! Jimmy Peon! 337 00:27:41,849 --> 00:27:45,217 Come on. Get a beer. Get involved. 338 00:27:46,269 --> 00:27:48,391 It is your turn to go with the larger one. 339 00:27:50,356 --> 00:27:53,724 - Too many beers. I need a piss. - The bog's outside. 340 00:27:53,900 --> 00:27:56,390 What? It's... It's dark out there. 341 00:27:56,569 --> 00:28:00,151 Heidi, are you afraid Carmilla will get you? 342 00:28:00,322 --> 00:28:04,484 - Anke, don't be mean. - OK, OK, I'm sorry. 343 00:28:04,659 --> 00:28:08,821 - Don't worry. I will go with her. - Stop it! 344 00:28:09,913 --> 00:28:14,408 Watch this. Here come the beers. 345 00:28:14,584 --> 00:28:17,952 - Here come the beers. Ja? - Ooh, ja! 346 00:28:18,128 --> 00:28:20,535 He's a weird guy, Fletch, eh? 347 00:28:23,049 --> 00:28:25,005 She's pretending to bum me. 348 00:28:25,176 --> 00:28:27,844 Oh, his heart's in the right place. 349 00:28:28,011 --> 00:28:31,343 It's just a shame his brain's in his dick. 350 00:28:38,103 --> 00:28:42,182 - Think his ying yang is big? - Ying yang? 351 00:29:12,965 --> 00:29:15,372 All right. Which one do you want, then? 352 00:29:16,593 --> 00:29:19,925 Haven't thought about it. 353 00:29:20,096 --> 00:29:22,467 Oh! You are such a fucking ponce, James. 354 00:29:22,639 --> 00:29:26,054 Which one do you fancy? Which one do you like the most? 355 00:29:26,226 --> 00:29:29,475 - Just answer the question. - All right, then. Lotte. 356 00:29:29,645 --> 00:29:33,227 - She seems really nice and friendly. - Mm-hmm. 357 00:29:33,398 --> 00:29:37,560 And it's like she's got this pure spirit. 358 00:29:37,735 --> 00:29:42,645 She's just really sweet. She's got the prettiest eyes. 359 00:29:42,823 --> 00:29:45,858 It's like looking into bottomless pools. 360 00:29:47,368 --> 00:29:49,241 - And you? - Trudi. 361 00:29:49,411 --> 00:29:51,948 Massive tits, never speaks. 362 00:29:56,542 --> 00:29:59,412 Yeah, Trudi, you stink. 363 00:30:00,462 --> 00:30:02,501 Ja. Ja. 364 00:30:02,672 --> 00:30:05,755 Oh, ja. 365 00:30:10,387 --> 00:30:12,213 Hurry up! 366 00:30:19,353 --> 00:30:21,096 Anke. 367 00:30:27,651 --> 00:30:31,233 Anke? 368 00:30:31,404 --> 00:30:35,317 - Anke, stop it. It isn't funny. - Heidi. 369 00:30:39,119 --> 00:30:40,992 Fuck! 370 00:30:41,829 --> 00:30:44,533 Anke, answer me now. It's not funny. 371 00:30:49,586 --> 00:30:51,744 Anke! 372 00:31:00,928 --> 00:31:03,003 Anke? 373 00:31:09,477 --> 00:31:13,308 Anke? Anke! 374 00:31:16,316 --> 00:31:18,272 Why are they taking so long? 375 00:31:18,443 --> 00:31:20,850 She's probably just having a massive shit. 376 00:31:34,748 --> 00:31:36,989 Trudi. 377 00:31:38,668 --> 00:31:41,538 Trudi. 378 00:31:45,757 --> 00:31:49,255 Trudi. 379 00:31:52,470 --> 00:31:57,427 Trudi. 380 00:32:42,094 --> 00:32:44,299 Quickly! 381 00:32:48,224 --> 00:32:51,224 Trudi! We've got to get in there! 382 00:32:51,394 --> 00:32:53,635 OK. Stand back. 383 00:32:56,982 --> 00:32:59,852 Christ. That thing is rock-solid. 384 00:33:02,695 --> 00:33:04,983 - I must have weakened it. - Yeah, right. 385 00:33:12,536 --> 00:33:15,571 - Look. - Blood. 386 00:33:16,998 --> 00:33:18,657 Come. 387 00:33:22,836 --> 00:33:24,709 What was that? 388 00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:27,833 I don't know, but let's go find out. 389 00:33:28,883 --> 00:33:31,883 - Is she serious? - We have to do something, don't we? 390 00:33:32,052 --> 00:33:35,799 This is all getting a bit weird: Women missing, towels covered in blood. 391 00:33:35,972 --> 00:33:39,091 - It's more of a light spotting. - Oh, that's all right, then. 392 00:33:39,266 --> 00:33:41,803 We heard her in here, and now she's nowhere. 393 00:33:41,977 --> 00:33:45,594 - That is very fucking weird. - Agreed, but we have to find Trudi. 394 00:33:45,772 --> 00:33:48,143 - You like Trudi, don't you? - Not that much. 395 00:33:49,650 --> 00:33:51,725 That's just weak, man. 396 00:33:52,944 --> 00:33:54,603 For Christ's sake. 397 00:34:10,625 --> 00:34:13,909 Oh, God! 398 00:34:14,086 --> 00:34:16,078 For God's sake! 399 00:34:21,718 --> 00:34:25,086 I only got it seen to last week. 400 00:34:25,262 --> 00:34:27,503 Oh, my... Oh, come on! 401 00:34:27,681 --> 00:34:30,515 Shit! 402 00:34:40,316 --> 00:34:43,518 Hi. You're through to Jimmy. Please leave a message. 403 00:34:43,694 --> 00:34:47,737 You are so dead, Jimmy! 404 00:34:47,906 --> 00:34:49,649 Judy. 405 00:34:49,824 --> 00:34:55,197 Judy. Judy. 406 00:34:55,370 --> 00:34:57,777 Anke! 407 00:34:57,956 --> 00:35:02,617 Heidi? Trudi? 408 00:35:05,128 --> 00:35:07,286 - Anything? - No. 409 00:35:10,549 --> 00:35:13,121 Ah, well. Looks like she's gone. 410 00:35:14,845 --> 00:35:18,177 Head back inside, eh? Cup of tea? 411 00:35:19,140 --> 00:35:21,760 - Told you there was no one out here. - Trudi? 412 00:35:22,101 --> 00:35:24,805 Probably just gone for a walk or... something. 413 00:35:24,978 --> 00:35:27,385 Let's head inside. I've still got some beers. 414 00:35:27,563 --> 00:35:30,397 Oh, shit! 415 00:35:31,608 --> 00:35:33,564 Lotte. 416 00:35:33,735 --> 00:35:36,059 - It's over there. - I heard it too. 417 00:35:37,697 --> 00:35:40,613 Look. I know something really wrong is happening here, 418 00:35:40,949 --> 00:35:43,356 but is there any chance we can just ignore it? 419 00:35:43,535 --> 00:35:45,740 Fletch! Come on! 420 00:36:40,248 --> 00:36:43,698 It's impossible. It cannot be. Vampires. 421 00:36:43,876 --> 00:36:46,544 - Vampires? - Vampires? 422 00:36:47,754 --> 00:36:50,125 Lesbian vampires. 423 00:36:50,298 --> 00:36:52,918 Nice one. 424 00:37:02,641 --> 00:37:05,724 Fucking hell, she's strong. 425 00:37:08,354 --> 00:37:09,847 Jimmy! 426 00:37:10,022 --> 00:37:13,354 - Shit. - Jimmy! 427 00:37:23,825 --> 00:37:27,904 She's not so strong now. 428 00:37:49,972 --> 00:37:52,177 Ah! Rank! 429 00:38:01,022 --> 00:38:05,149 Is that it? 430 00:38:05,317 --> 00:38:07,985 No explosion or... 431 00:38:08,153 --> 00:38:11,852 ...turning into burning ash or... Nothing, no? 432 00:38:14,283 --> 00:38:16,109 Frankly, I'm a bit disappointed. 433 00:38:16,285 --> 00:38:19,404 I'm just glad she's dead. I can hold out for fireworks. 434 00:38:19,579 --> 00:38:22,781 The legends... they're true. 435 00:38:22,957 --> 00:38:24,237 This is madness. 436 00:38:24,416 --> 00:38:27,369 - What's become of my friends? - Lotte. 437 00:38:27,544 --> 00:38:28,658 Oh, crap. 438 00:38:29,796 --> 00:38:33,662 - Join us. - Join us. 439 00:38:33,841 --> 00:38:36,212 Ja. 440 00:38:36,385 --> 00:38:40,251 I think they want you to say something. 441 00:38:40,430 --> 00:38:42,552 Never. 442 00:38:43,766 --> 00:38:45,343 Don't think they wanted you to say that. 443 00:38:45,517 --> 00:38:47,675 Fuck this! Run, you bellends! 444 00:38:57,444 --> 00:38:59,981 Come on, you silly fuckers! 445 00:39:02,364 --> 00:39:05,530 Now you will join us. 446 00:39:08,036 --> 00:39:09,660 Hmm. 447 00:39:09,829 --> 00:39:12,782 Get in. 448 00:39:16,959 --> 00:39:19,034 Oh, my God! Did you see that? 449 00:39:19,211 --> 00:39:22,828 That might be the coolest thing I've done in my entire fucking life. 450 00:39:23,006 --> 00:39:25,757 I've always been good at cricket. Maybe it's my guns. 451 00:39:25,925 --> 00:39:28,497 - Fletch, please shut up. - Sorry, I'm just nervous. 452 00:39:28,677 --> 00:39:31,001 They'd have eaten us alive. This is fucked up! 453 00:39:31,179 --> 00:39:33,716 Where did they go? 454 00:39:33,890 --> 00:39:38,883 Before sunrise, you will all belong to us. 455 00:39:41,354 --> 00:39:43,926 Shit, shit, shit, shit. What are we going to do? 456 00:39:44,107 --> 00:39:47,641 - We're going to die horribly. - For Christ sake. You're not helping. 457 00:39:47,818 --> 00:39:50,984 - Calm down. Have a beer. - We need to get out of here! 458 00:39:51,154 --> 00:39:54,569 - Come up with a plan then, Einstein. - Hold on. The van. 459 00:39:54,740 --> 00:39:56,779 The van. Good plan. Great plan. 460 00:39:56,951 --> 00:39:58,777 Genius. 461 00:39:58,952 --> 00:40:01,110 I don't even want to know. 462 00:40:01,287 --> 00:40:03,777 What are we going to do now? 463 00:40:06,458 --> 00:40:08,782 Stakes. Lots of sharp stakes. 464 00:40:09,836 --> 00:40:13,749 Arm ourselves with anything we can plunge through their hearts. 465 00:40:13,923 --> 00:40:15,630 Again, great idea. Like it. 466 00:40:15,799 --> 00:40:20,009 Plunging sharp objects. Hell-whore hearts. Let's fucking have it. 467 00:40:31,395 --> 00:40:34,478 - Jimmy! - Judy? 468 00:40:34,648 --> 00:40:38,976 What? Don't open the fucking door! Jesus! 469 00:40:40,278 --> 00:40:43,397 - Judy, get in, quick. - Oh, my God! 470 00:40:43,572 --> 00:40:46,240 - What the hell is going on? - What are you doing here? 471 00:40:46,408 --> 00:40:49,740 - Something was chasing me. - Vampires. 472 00:40:49,911 --> 00:40:53,990 - What? - Yep. Lesbian vampires. 473 00:40:54,164 --> 00:40:56,571 - How ridiculous. - No. 474 00:40:56,750 --> 00:40:59,869 Just another of God's cruel tricks to get on my tits. 475 00:41:00,044 --> 00:41:03,743 Even dead women would sooner sleep with each other than get with me. 476 00:41:03,922 --> 00:41:07,420 - But eating me alive? Oh, that's fine. - Lesbian vampires? 477 00:41:07,592 --> 00:41:11,339 Next time he'll have me bummed by a big gay werewolf, I swear. 478 00:41:11,512 --> 00:41:13,053 Come on. We need to lie down. 479 00:41:19,018 --> 00:41:22,516 - Who's that? - Oh, it's Jimmy's ex. 480 00:41:22,687 --> 00:41:25,438 She keeps breaking up with him, getting him back, 481 00:41:25,607 --> 00:41:28,311 breaking up with him, getting him back, you know? 482 00:41:31,778 --> 00:41:34,233 - I hate her. - Me too. 483 00:41:34,405 --> 00:41:37,440 Man, this pisses me off. 484 00:41:37,616 --> 00:41:40,486 I've been saving myself for the right man, 485 00:41:40,661 --> 00:41:43,068 someone I can really have feelings for. 486 00:41:43,246 --> 00:41:46,863 - I finally meet him, and... - What, you like Jimmy? 487 00:41:47,041 --> 00:41:49,531 Yes, I do. But between her and the vampires, 488 00:41:49,710 --> 00:41:52,282 I'll probably die a virgin tonight. 489 00:41:57,341 --> 00:42:00,756 You're a virgin? 490 00:42:00,927 --> 00:42:04,970 Um, yeah. 491 00:42:24,196 --> 00:42:26,816 Oh, for God's sake, girl. Cover yourself up. 492 00:42:28,116 --> 00:42:30,238 Daddy, I'm not a child any more. 493 00:42:30,410 --> 00:42:33,410 - Don't try me, girl. - Oh! 494 00:42:50,551 --> 00:42:56,801 Jimmy, I know you have every right to hate me, 495 00:42:56,973 --> 00:42:59,261 but I just want you to know 496 00:42:59,433 --> 00:43:03,679 that I'm so happy you let me through the door. 497 00:43:03,854 --> 00:43:06,426 Well, I don't hate you. Well, not completely. 498 00:43:06,606 --> 00:43:09,725 I just don't know what I keep doing you don't like. 499 00:43:09,900 --> 00:43:13,398 It's not you, Jimmy. It's me. 500 00:43:14,321 --> 00:43:17,440 I'm glad you realise that, because if this is gonna work, 501 00:43:17,615 --> 00:43:21,232 - you're gonna have to change. - Oh, I've changed. 502 00:43:21,410 --> 00:43:23,615 But how... How do I know that? 503 00:43:23,787 --> 00:43:27,451 How can I trust you? You're gonna have to show me you're different. 504 00:43:27,623 --> 00:43:30,327 Oh, I'm different. 505 00:43:34,170 --> 00:43:39,755 Give me one... last... kiss. 506 00:43:46,305 --> 00:43:47,633 Huh? 507 00:44:47,689 --> 00:44:51,768 Probably best you remember her the way she was, mate. 508 00:44:51,942 --> 00:44:55,855 A complete fucking bitch. Aah. 509 00:45:00,991 --> 00:45:03,315 Mate, thanks for saving my life. 510 00:45:03,493 --> 00:45:06,446 Hey, you know me, fella. 511 00:45:06,621 --> 00:45:10,949 I got your back. Always have, always will. 512 00:45:12,376 --> 00:45:14,284 - Right, got 'em. - What are you doing? 513 00:45:14,461 --> 00:45:17,710 - What do you think? - What, Lotte was gonna... 514 00:45:17,880 --> 00:45:20,548 You know what they say about extreme situations. 515 00:45:20,716 --> 00:45:24,926 And this, as I keep pointing out, my friend, is an extreme fucking situation. 516 00:45:25,094 --> 00:45:28,260 - Bit seedy, isn't it? - She's worried she'll die a virgin, 517 00:45:28,430 --> 00:45:31,549 and frankly, I'm willing to take any opportunity I can get. 518 00:45:31,725 --> 00:45:34,725 Emotional vulnerability, fear of imminent death, vampire attacks. 519 00:45:34,894 --> 00:45:38,013 Screw it. I don't give a shit. Hi. 520 00:45:39,106 --> 00:45:41,976 How are you doing? 521 00:45:42,150 --> 00:45:45,684 - What happened? - Oh, God. Um... 522 00:45:45,861 --> 00:45:50,023 As I suspected, 523 00:45:50,198 --> 00:45:54,360 - Judy was a vampire. - We killed her. 524 00:45:54,535 --> 00:45:56,443 Fantastic. 525 00:46:09,005 --> 00:46:11,709 - Um, I'm going for a piss. - What, outside? 526 00:46:11,883 --> 00:46:14,254 Do I look like a twat? 527 00:46:29,355 --> 00:46:33,102 Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, gosh! 528 00:46:33,275 --> 00:46:34,934 Oh, God! Oh, God! 529 00:46:35,110 --> 00:46:37,481 Why aren't they coming in? Judy walked in. 530 00:46:37,654 --> 00:46:40,773 No, they have to be invited in. You invited Judy in. 531 00:46:40,948 --> 00:46:43,070 Oh. 532 00:46:45,368 --> 00:46:49,779 So all we have to do is sit tight till morning. 533 00:46:49,955 --> 00:46:52,160 I mean, It's not like I'm gonna say, 534 00:46:52,332 --> 00:46:56,163 "Hey, lesbian vampires, come into my cottage", is it? Oh, shit! 535 00:47:02,257 --> 00:47:05,625 Under full-on lesbian vampire attack? 536 00:47:05,802 --> 00:47:08,636 Still got it, fella. 537 00:47:09,805 --> 00:47:13,007 Look, I was being ironic. 538 00:47:13,183 --> 00:47:15,507 Guys? 539 00:47:24,651 --> 00:47:26,726 McLaren. 540 00:47:26,902 --> 00:47:29,688 - She knows my name. - That's not a good sign. 541 00:47:29,863 --> 00:47:34,654 She is pure. 542 00:47:38,954 --> 00:47:40,993 Fletch! 543 00:47:47,878 --> 00:47:50,546 When in Rome... 544 00:47:58,470 --> 00:48:01,256 - Get away from him. - Fuck off! 545 00:48:26,493 --> 00:48:30,157 - Nice. - Get her into the shower. 546 00:48:30,329 --> 00:48:33,080 Quick! Quick! 547 00:48:33,248 --> 00:48:34,907 Quick! Turn it on! 548 00:48:38,586 --> 00:48:42,369 Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name. 549 00:48:42,548 --> 00:48:45,216 Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth... 550 00:48:45,383 --> 00:48:49,462 Give us this day... Push her back! She must stay underwater. 551 00:48:49,637 --> 00:48:52,341 Push her back! Push her back under. 552 00:48:52,514 --> 00:48:56,973 - Oh, God! - Keep her under! Don't let her go! 553 00:48:57,143 --> 00:49:01,270 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, 554 00:49:01,438 --> 00:49:04,142 as we forgive those who trespass against us... 555 00:49:04,316 --> 00:49:06,984 - Fuck off! - Keep going. 556 00:49:07,151 --> 00:49:11,313 Fucking hell! 557 00:49:11,488 --> 00:49:13,943 For Thine is the kingdom. Jesus compels you! 558 00:49:14,115 --> 00:49:17,234 Oh, God, I love Jesus! I love you, Jesus. 559 00:49:17,410 --> 00:49:22,035 - And the glory forever. - All things bright and beautiful! 560 00:49:22,205 --> 00:49:24,493 Forever and ever. 561 00:49:28,585 --> 00:49:30,292 Amen. 562 00:49:31,254 --> 00:49:33,874 What the fuck? 563 00:49:34,048 --> 00:49:37,167 We need to go quickly. Your friends have already been taken. 564 00:49:37,343 --> 00:49:39,833 - Ah, shite. - There's no time to waste. Let's go! 565 00:49:40,011 --> 00:49:42,881 Hang on. How did you know all this was happening? 566 00:49:43,056 --> 00:49:45,546 You and your friends were sent as sacrifices. 567 00:49:45,724 --> 00:49:49,803 It's an age-old deal, where the villagers supply fresh blood. 568 00:49:49,978 --> 00:49:52,729 In return, they get to keep their cowardly hides. 569 00:49:52,897 --> 00:49:56,846 So we were just a light buffet for a bunch of hot dykes? 570 00:49:57,025 --> 00:50:01,353 To my shame, yes. Your friend's arrival in our hamlet is no coincidence. 571 00:50:01,529 --> 00:50:04,897 It's divine intervention fulfilling a primordial prophecy. 572 00:50:05,074 --> 00:50:08,193 - Balls! - Does he bear a birthmark? 573 00:50:08,368 --> 00:50:10,858 - Five red scratches around here? - Yeah. 574 00:50:11,037 --> 00:50:14,037 His bloodline is the key to the resurrection 575 00:50:14,206 --> 00:50:18,831 of the purest evil known to mankind: Carmilla, the vampire queen. 576 00:50:19,002 --> 00:50:20,793 Eh? 577 00:50:20,962 --> 00:50:23,534 Paradoxically, the only thing that can lift this village 578 00:50:23,714 --> 00:50:26,334 from a centuries-old curse that turns every woman 579 00:50:26,508 --> 00:50:29,543 on her 18th birthday into a vampire. 580 00:50:29,719 --> 00:50:33,846 My daughter, Rebecca, becomes 18 within hours. 581 00:50:34,014 --> 00:50:37,133 Right. Look, I know you mean well. I really do. 582 00:50:37,308 --> 00:50:39,928 And I love the vibe. You look amazing. But... 583 00:50:40,102 --> 00:50:45,225 I've seen weird shit, and even under these circumstances this is a stretch. 584 00:50:45,398 --> 00:50:48,481 Jimmy's not the Messiah. He can barely wipe his own arse. 585 00:50:48,651 --> 00:50:51,935 I understand your confusion. Let's be on our way. 586 00:50:52,112 --> 00:50:54,780 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Daddy-o. Go where? 587 00:50:54,948 --> 00:50:58,316 - Back to the village. No time to waste. - Fuck that noise. 588 00:50:58,492 --> 00:51:00,816 - I'm sorry? - I'm not going back out there. 589 00:51:00,994 --> 00:51:04,741 I've nearly been eaten three times by the hottest women I've ever met. 590 00:51:04,914 --> 00:51:06,657 Starting to become a bind. 591 00:51:06,833 --> 00:51:10,912 But it's not too late to save your friends, this village, the entire world! 592 00:51:11,086 --> 00:51:13,576 Yeah, well, you know, best of luck with it. 593 00:51:13,755 --> 00:51:17,798 - I hope you get on all right. - Are you fucking with me? 594 00:51:17,967 --> 00:51:21,299 - Are you allowed to swear? - Shut up. 595 00:51:21,469 --> 00:51:25,335 You telling me you'd let eternal darkness sweep over this entire planet 596 00:51:25,514 --> 00:51:28,430 and leave your friends to die? Your friends? 597 00:51:28,600 --> 00:51:32,015 Well, I only really know Jimmy. I just met the girl tonight. So... 598 00:51:32,187 --> 00:51:36,230 OK. Stay here and die. 599 00:51:40,944 --> 00:51:42,735 Oh... 600 00:51:46,532 --> 00:51:48,440 What's with all the scratches? 601 00:51:48,617 --> 00:51:50,775 The cruciform. It drives the beasts away. 602 00:51:52,703 --> 00:51:55,822 - It looks shit. - Just get in. 603 00:51:56,873 --> 00:52:00,739 OK, scratch master. Where the fuck are we going? 604 00:52:00,918 --> 00:52:03,206 The tomb of your friend's great ancestor. 605 00:52:35,113 --> 00:52:37,899 Fletch! 606 00:52:44,871 --> 00:52:48,654 Sisters, 607 00:52:48,833 --> 00:52:54,039 a moment that has infested our dreams and our desires 608 00:52:54,212 --> 00:52:57,544 for what seems like an eternity... 609 00:52:57,715 --> 00:53:01,213 ...is finally upon us. 610 00:53:10,475 --> 00:53:13,095 For this night, 611 00:53:13,269 --> 00:53:18,013 the last of the McLaren clan shall fall, 612 00:53:18,190 --> 00:53:22,815 and our queen shall rise again. 613 00:53:22,986 --> 00:53:26,484 - Carmilla? - The vampire queen? 614 00:53:28,615 --> 00:53:30,903 Sorry. Carry on. 615 00:53:33,077 --> 00:53:36,326 So his blood mixed with my virgin blood brings her back? 616 00:53:36,497 --> 00:53:39,034 You know a lot, pretty one. 617 00:53:39,207 --> 00:53:42,575 I've heard of Carmilla, but never have I heard of you. 618 00:53:42,752 --> 00:53:46,001 Obviously you're not evil enough to even make the history books. 619 00:53:52,760 --> 00:53:54,799 Well... 620 00:53:54,970 --> 00:53:59,631 ... soon she will know of you. 621 00:54:01,225 --> 00:54:06,847 And with her resurrection, this land will be ensnared forever 622 00:54:07,022 --> 00:54:10,686 in the dawn of the red moon. 623 00:54:17,280 --> 00:54:21,063 McLaren, these are your final moments on earth. 624 00:54:21,242 --> 00:54:23,566 Oh. Mmm. 625 00:54:32,001 --> 00:54:36,294 The final resting place of Baron Wolfgang McLaren III. 626 00:54:38,297 --> 00:54:40,253 Jimmy's the reason I ended up in this shit-hole? 627 00:54:40,424 --> 00:54:42,582 He is our salvation and our only hope. 628 00:54:42,759 --> 00:54:46,458 The prophesy foretold of when the last of the McLaren clan would return. 629 00:54:46,638 --> 00:54:49,887 With his blood and that of a virgin, Carmilla shall rise again. 630 00:54:50,057 --> 00:54:52,262 Concealed within this tomb is the weapon 631 00:54:52,434 --> 00:54:55,220 that can slay the beast forever: The sword of Daeldo. 632 00:54:55,395 --> 00:54:58,929 - And what's that, then? - Daeldo, the god of lust, 633 00:54:59,106 --> 00:55:02,521 said to be Carmilla's arch demonic foe in the underworld of Hades. 634 00:55:02,692 --> 00:55:04,483 A hideous multi-tentacled beast. 635 00:55:04,652 --> 00:55:07,486 The only being brave enough to have tried to penetrate 636 00:55:07,655 --> 00:55:10,655 Carmilla's vilest depths, and paid for it with his life. 637 00:55:10,824 --> 00:55:13,314 Let me get this straight. Your plan is, 638 00:55:13,493 --> 00:55:17,536 wait for this bitch to be resurrected, stake her with the sword of whatever, 639 00:55:17,705 --> 00:55:21,037 thus rescuing my mate, curing your daughter, ending the curse 640 00:55:21,207 --> 00:55:24,160 - and saving the planet. - Exactly. So, are you with me? 641 00:55:24,335 --> 00:55:27,205 Not really. I ain't got much fucking choice, have I? 642 00:55:29,339 --> 00:55:32,090 You do this. I need to check on my Rebecca. 643 00:55:32,258 --> 00:55:34,380 What? Now I've got to unearth a corpse? 644 00:55:34,552 --> 00:55:38,299 - Concealed within this tomb is... - Yeah, yeah. Save me the monologues. 645 00:55:42,475 --> 00:55:45,759 This is officially the worst holiday ever. 646 00:56:08,580 --> 00:56:12,623 - So there's a red moon, right? - Forget about the red moon. 647 00:56:12,791 --> 00:56:14,996 She said the last McLaren will fall. 648 00:56:15,168 --> 00:56:18,203 Yeah, I kind of missed that bit. 649 00:56:18,379 --> 00:56:21,213 Oh. Well... 650 00:56:21,382 --> 00:56:24,999 - That'll be me, then. Oh, bollocks. - Shut up. I'm thinking. 651 00:56:25,177 --> 00:56:28,047 What can you be thinking about at a time like this? 652 00:56:28,221 --> 00:56:30,628 - How we are going to escape. - Fantastic. Any ideas? 653 00:56:30,806 --> 00:56:33,261 - No, have you? - Not a fucking sausage. 654 00:56:33,433 --> 00:56:34,926 Come on, think! 655 00:56:35,101 --> 00:56:38,765 I'm too busy shitting myself to come up with a daring escape plan. 656 00:56:52,324 --> 00:56:55,656 - You're cute. - What? 657 00:56:55,827 --> 00:56:57,819 It's our first argument. 658 00:57:03,917 --> 00:57:07,166 Vic, we're doomed. That ain't opening. 659 00:57:07,336 --> 00:57:09,375 Move. 660 00:57:14,467 --> 00:57:17,467 In my defence, I only tried that side, so... 661 00:57:30,605 --> 00:57:32,929 - You go down there, my boy. - Excuse me? 662 00:57:33,107 --> 00:57:37,435 - There's no time to waste. Hurry up. - Well, you go down, then. 663 00:57:40,155 --> 00:57:44,946 Oh, my... Unbelievable. It's not my daughter. 664 00:57:46,827 --> 00:57:51,950 - Can you see the sword? - Give me a minute, please. 665 00:57:52,123 --> 00:57:56,416 It's my first time in a tomb... grave... stone. 666 00:58:05,509 --> 00:58:07,168 What? What is it? 667 00:58:07,344 --> 00:58:10,260 It's nothing. 668 00:58:14,308 --> 00:58:19,431 What's so funny in there? 669 00:58:23,440 --> 00:58:25,977 It's got a big metal cock for a handle. 670 00:58:26,151 --> 00:58:29,934 Grow up! The handle draws on the power of the demon Daeldo, 671 00:58:30,112 --> 00:58:34,061 rendering this blade alone capable of destroying her once and for all. 672 00:58:35,575 --> 00:58:39,737 - What? How? - Itjust does, OK? 673 00:58:40,829 --> 00:58:44,695 We're gonna go there, and we're gonna to die, right? 674 00:58:44,874 --> 00:58:47,245 All because you insist some sword, 675 00:58:47,418 --> 00:58:50,204 with a metal cock on the end, can save the world? 676 00:58:50,379 --> 00:58:53,130 - You're a disgrace. - At least I can see the funny side. 677 00:58:53,298 --> 00:58:57,793 Let's get on with the job. I'll load up on weapons. You cover the baron up. 678 00:59:02,055 --> 00:59:05,090 Will you just admit it does look like a cock? 679 00:59:06,183 --> 00:59:10,808 Jimmy, can I tell you something? 680 00:59:10,979 --> 00:59:14,062 - Have you come up with a plan? - No, I'm still thinking. 681 00:59:14,232 --> 00:59:16,603 I think we're running out of time. 682 00:59:18,110 --> 00:59:21,608 I just wanted to say that had we met under different circumstances, 683 00:59:21,779 --> 00:59:24,020 I would've liked to have gotten to know you. 684 00:59:24,198 --> 00:59:25,941 - Really? - Yes. 685 00:59:26,116 --> 00:59:29,780 In fact, even though we've just spent a few hours together, 686 00:59:29,953 --> 00:59:32,241 I feel like I've known you forever. 687 00:59:35,833 --> 00:59:38,501 - Really? - Yes. 688 00:59:38,668 --> 00:59:41,668 I thought you might have picked up on my signals. 689 00:59:43,005 --> 00:59:45,329 Signals? What signals? What did I miss? 690 00:59:47,134 --> 00:59:48,877 Jimmy, I love you. 691 00:59:54,681 --> 00:59:57,965 - Well, that's just fucking great. - I didn't mean to upset you. 692 00:59:58,143 --> 01:00:02,305 - On the brink of death, you say that? - I can't die without letting you know 693 01:00:02,479 --> 01:00:05,514 you're the first man I could share myself with completely. 694 01:00:05,690 --> 01:00:08,809 - Oh, for Christ's sake. - I would've given you everything: 695 01:00:08,985 --> 01:00:11,901 My mind, soul and body. 696 01:00:12,071 --> 01:00:15,902 - And body. Hmm. - And now that'll never be. 697 01:00:23,246 --> 01:00:26,116 - It is time. - Oh, God! 698 01:00:30,044 --> 01:00:33,163 - That's my penis. - Get off him, you bitch! He's mine! 699 01:00:43,555 --> 01:00:45,594 Wow. 700 01:00:51,520 --> 01:00:55,599 What? What did you just say? 701 01:00:55,773 --> 01:00:58,892 You called me a what? I'm a fat piece of what? 702 01:01:06,240 --> 01:01:10,450 No one messes with the Fletchmeister and his cock sword. 703 01:01:11,995 --> 01:01:17,747 Oh, hello. Um, I wasn't doing, um... 704 01:01:17,916 --> 01:01:21,747 Star Wars is not, uh... Aah! Chewie. I wasn't... 705 01:01:21,920 --> 01:01:25,086 What are you doing out? You probably shouldn't be out here. 706 01:01:25,256 --> 01:01:28,042 I know. 707 01:01:28,216 --> 01:01:32,462 - So, it's your birthday? - Today. 708 01:01:32,637 --> 01:01:34,961 It's just gone midnight. 709 01:01:36,348 --> 01:01:40,095 All... grown... up. 710 01:01:42,687 --> 01:01:45,557 - So you're 18? - Uh-huh. 711 01:01:46,398 --> 01:01:48,437 - But Daddy wouldn't approve anyway. - Oh. 712 01:01:57,615 --> 01:01:59,654 Daddy! 713 01:02:18,174 --> 01:02:20,332 Fletch! 714 01:02:26,806 --> 01:02:28,881 - Ready? - Yep. 715 01:02:30,768 --> 01:02:34,634 We have little time. My Rebecca will soon be taken. 716 01:02:34,813 --> 01:02:36,556 Yep. 717 01:02:58,207 --> 01:03:00,827 You have his eyes. 718 01:03:01,001 --> 01:03:03,835 I used to love those eyes. 719 01:03:04,003 --> 01:03:07,038 Until I learned how pathetic men are. 720 01:03:15,304 --> 01:03:18,754 Mmm! Exquisite. 721 01:03:19,558 --> 01:03:24,219 I will bleed you slowly and let Carmilla feed upon your flesh 722 01:03:24,395 --> 01:03:27,015 while it is still warm in your veins. 723 01:03:44,286 --> 01:03:49,160 Look, the moon bleeds. The resurrection has begun. 724 01:03:49,332 --> 01:03:52,036 Here. Holy water. 725 01:03:52,209 --> 01:03:54,580 It's like a fucking hand grenade of acid. 726 01:03:54,753 --> 01:03:56,460 - You said "fucking" again. - So? 727 01:03:56,630 --> 01:03:58,123 - It's weird. - Get over it. 728 01:03:58,298 --> 01:04:01,298 There's no need to panic, my friend. Just stay close to me. 729 01:04:01,467 --> 01:04:04,337 I'm well-versed in the knowledge of killing vampires. 730 01:04:04,511 --> 01:04:09,966 Yeah, so is everyone. Stakes, garlic, beheading, holy water, sunlight... 731 01:04:10,141 --> 01:04:12,548 There's not a fucker alive who doesn't know that. 732 01:04:12,726 --> 01:04:14,517 - Really? - Yeah. 733 01:04:14,686 --> 01:04:18,018 It's in books, films, telly. It's pretty common knowledge. 734 01:04:24,319 --> 01:04:27,272 Were you expecting many sexual encounters, my friend? 735 01:04:29,615 --> 01:04:31,358 Water bomb fight. 736 01:04:31,533 --> 01:04:35,232 So where's this resurrection likely to be happening? 737 01:04:35,411 --> 01:04:38,945 In there. The crypt of Carmilla. 738 01:04:39,123 --> 01:04:41,695 I knew you were gonna say that. 739 01:04:41,875 --> 01:04:44,412 Never going to be somewhere un-scary-sounding, 740 01:04:44,586 --> 01:04:46,494 like the garden or scullery? 741 01:04:46,671 --> 01:04:48,414 - "Scullery" is quite scary. - Eh? 742 01:04:48,589 --> 01:04:50,747 "Scullery" has got the word "skull" in it. 743 01:04:50,924 --> 01:04:54,339 As opposed to the crypt, which has got corpses in it. Well observed. 744 01:04:56,512 --> 01:04:59,678 Remember this: They can die fast or they can die slow, 745 01:04:59,848 --> 01:05:01,258 but they have to die. 746 01:05:01,433 --> 01:05:05,430 - Can't we do this in the morning? - It may be too late for your friends. 747 01:05:05,603 --> 01:05:08,805 - It will be too late for Rebecca. - No, I'm good. 748 01:05:08,980 --> 01:05:10,687 Well, this is it. 749 01:05:10,857 --> 01:05:15,103 Good luck, Fletch. Let's try to come back alive. 750 01:05:15,277 --> 01:05:17,103 Vic... 751 01:05:18,989 --> 01:05:21,561 If I don't make it out of this, 752 01:05:21,741 --> 01:05:24,611 there's one thing I want you to know: 753 01:05:24,785 --> 01:05:27,109 I blame you entirely. 754 01:06:25,126 --> 01:06:28,825 So this is how your bloodline ends: 755 01:06:29,004 --> 01:06:31,126 Crying like a baby. 756 01:06:31,298 --> 01:06:34,547 Begging for your life. 757 01:06:34,717 --> 01:06:37,670 - Please... - Jimmy, pull yourself together. 758 01:06:37,845 --> 01:06:40,679 - Don't give her the satisfaction. - No. 759 01:06:40,847 --> 01:06:44,546 You'll give me my satisfaction. 760 01:06:44,726 --> 01:06:47,679 Lotte, just so you know, before she turns you, 761 01:06:47,853 --> 01:06:50,390 I found you really attractive, pre-vampirism. 762 01:06:50,564 --> 01:06:53,268 You did? 763 01:07:00,280 --> 01:07:02,272 - We have an escape plan. - What? 764 01:07:02,448 --> 01:07:03,776 Fletch will save us. 765 01:07:03,950 --> 01:07:06,736 Fletch? He's fucking useless. We're dead meat. 766 01:07:06,910 --> 01:07:10,278 - Hey! You cheeky prick. - Fletch! 767 01:07:10,455 --> 01:07:12,530 Although, to be fair, 768 01:07:12,707 --> 01:07:15,790 if I could've avoided being here, I would've. 769 01:07:22,507 --> 01:07:25,626 Oh, damn. 770 01:07:25,801 --> 01:07:29,003 I told you he was fucking useless. 771 01:07:30,179 --> 01:07:33,298 - Damn, damn! - You ever fired that thing before? 772 01:07:33,474 --> 01:07:36,225 - First time. - Watch and weep. So! 773 01:07:37,852 --> 01:07:41,018 You clam-lappers fancy a piece of me then, do you? 774 01:07:42,648 --> 01:07:45,352 - Come on, then. - Kill them. 775 01:07:45,525 --> 01:07:49,438 Oh, fuck! 776 01:08:07,335 --> 01:08:09,907 Oh, wait up. Fuck this. 777 01:08:10,087 --> 01:08:13,170 Your friend's blood has already been drawn. 778 01:08:13,340 --> 01:08:16,210 - The resurrection has begun. - We gotta get out of here. 779 01:08:16,384 --> 01:08:18,956 We can't. Darkness is upon us. Your friends, Rebecca... 780 01:08:19,136 --> 01:08:21,294 I reckon I can probably live with that. 781 01:08:21,471 --> 01:08:23,297 ...and the entire fucking world! 782 01:08:23,473 --> 01:08:26,923 You know how to put a guilt trip on, don't you, you fucker? 783 01:08:28,060 --> 01:08:32,637 Right. Let's do this. 784 01:08:37,526 --> 01:08:42,234 - It'll be OK. - How can this be OK? 785 01:08:42,405 --> 01:08:44,610 All I wanted to do was enjoy life. 786 01:08:44,782 --> 01:08:47,237 Hike, get some fresh air, a few pints. 787 01:08:47,409 --> 01:08:49,864 But no. Nothing's as simple as that, is it? 788 01:08:50,037 --> 01:08:52,574 And now we're gonna end up dead. 789 01:08:52,747 --> 01:08:56,364 Well, I'm gonna end up dead. You'll be a lesbian. 790 01:08:56,542 --> 01:08:59,032 And I've not even made love to a man. 791 01:08:59,211 --> 01:09:00,835 Oh! 792 01:09:09,386 --> 01:09:10,844 The crypt is through here. 793 01:09:12,972 --> 01:09:15,130 - Fletch! - Spiritus Sancti. 794 01:09:17,142 --> 01:09:19,134 Fletch! 795 01:09:20,395 --> 01:09:23,845 - Spiritus sancti. - Hurry up! 796 01:09:24,023 --> 01:09:27,023 - Jimmy? - Back, you spawn of Satan. 797 01:09:29,194 --> 01:09:30,604 - Fletch? - How you been? 798 01:09:30,778 --> 01:09:32,983 Up and down. 799 01:09:36,616 --> 01:09:39,699 - There's only one solution now. - The big cock sword. 800 01:09:39,869 --> 01:09:41,244 - What? - Long story. 801 01:09:42,955 --> 01:09:46,204 - Hand me the sword of Daeldo. - Haven't you got it? 802 01:09:46,374 --> 01:09:47,618 I thought you had it. 803 01:09:47,792 --> 01:09:49,950 You're going on about how important it is. 804 01:09:50,127 --> 01:09:52,997 All we've got to do is wait for this bitch to rise, stab her, 805 01:09:53,172 --> 01:09:55,792 - and you forgot the sword? - Get it. I'll keep 'em off. 806 01:09:55,966 --> 01:09:58,254 - Tell Rebecca I love her. - About Rebecca... 807 01:09:58,426 --> 01:10:00,003 - Run, you fool! - All right! 808 01:10:30,494 --> 01:10:32,735 Jesus! 809 01:11:48,474 --> 01:11:53,051 - Whores of fucking Hades. - Annihilate him. 810 01:11:56,940 --> 01:12:01,351 Prepare for fucking death! 811 01:12:11,243 --> 01:12:14,445 Come on, you silly fuckers! 812 01:12:15,580 --> 01:12:19,244 - Lotte! - It's playtime, darling. 813 01:12:27,798 --> 01:12:30,205 Mmm! You are a feisty one. 814 01:12:32,635 --> 01:12:35,090 I like it. Aah! 815 01:12:44,312 --> 01:12:47,098 - It won't budge. - I have to help her. 816 01:12:47,272 --> 01:12:49,347 It's not gonna work. 817 01:12:51,484 --> 01:12:56,228 - What is it with you and doors? - Let's ram it. 818 01:13:00,825 --> 01:13:03,576 Mmm! You taste divine. 819 01:13:07,831 --> 01:13:09,622 - Keys. - Vicar's got them. 820 01:13:09,791 --> 01:13:11,699 - What? - Know how to hotwire a hearse? 821 01:13:11,876 --> 01:13:13,868 - Yeah, no worries. - Brilliant. Let's go. 822 01:13:14,044 --> 01:13:16,083 - Of course I don't, you idiot. - Shit. 823 01:13:24,720 --> 01:13:28,966 First I'm going to torture you, then I'm going to turn you. 824 01:13:29,140 --> 01:13:32,056 - You'll be my plaything. - Never! 825 01:13:32,226 --> 01:13:33,684 That's it, then. 826 01:13:33,852 --> 01:13:36,389 The problem with you, James, you're a pessimist. 827 01:13:36,563 --> 01:13:40,476 You might want to grab weapons. We could be in for a ruck. 828 01:13:49,532 --> 01:13:51,323 Come on! 829 01:13:59,623 --> 01:14:03,038 - That sword's got a cock for a handle. - It's funny, isn't it? 830 01:14:03,210 --> 01:14:06,210 It's the only thing that'll destroy that psycho bitch. 831 01:14:06,379 --> 01:14:08,287 It's very powerful and very ancient. 832 01:14:08,464 --> 01:14:11,380 - Sort of gay. - So get your own fucking sword. 833 01:14:34,485 --> 01:14:37,568 I knew you would not resist me forever. 834 01:14:56,962 --> 01:15:00,045 Sorry, you're not my type. 835 01:15:20,982 --> 01:15:24,646 - Whoo-hoo! - Lotte. 836 01:16:05,476 --> 01:16:07,681 - Bollocks. - Fletch. 837 01:16:30,622 --> 01:16:33,705 Oh, my God! 838 01:17:07,069 --> 01:17:09,144 McLaren. 839 01:17:18,119 --> 01:17:21,285 - Jimmy! - Throw it like you mean it! 840 01:17:42,639 --> 01:17:46,682 Un-fucking-believable! 841 01:18:40,478 --> 01:18:43,431 Is somebody taking the piss? 842 01:18:43,606 --> 01:18:47,437 The sword of Daeldo is a mighty weapon indeed. 843 01:18:48,860 --> 01:18:50,484 Looks like the vic was right. 844 01:18:50,653 --> 01:18:54,068 Everyone seems to know what's going on bar me. What just happened? 845 01:18:54,240 --> 01:18:57,359 It's all cock swords and scary stuff and history and that. 846 01:18:57,534 --> 01:18:59,573 - I'll tell you later. - Tell me now. 847 01:18:59,744 --> 01:19:01,119 - I will. - When? 848 01:19:01,287 --> 01:19:03,195 Mate, do you want to calm down? 849 01:19:03,372 --> 01:19:06,621 I've had a bit of a busy night. I'll tell you in a minute. 850 01:19:06,792 --> 01:19:09,496 - Whoa. - No, look. Sunlight. 851 01:19:09,669 --> 01:19:13,203 The curse has lifted. 852 01:19:13,380 --> 01:19:17,246 - So they're not vampires anymore? - No. 853 01:19:17,425 --> 01:19:20,709 Cool. Are they still lesbians? 854 01:19:20,886 --> 01:19:24,384 For fuck's sake. 855 01:19:26,933 --> 01:19:28,759 Uh... 856 01:19:37,108 --> 01:19:39,776 Unbelievable. Save the day, not even a kiss. 857 01:19:39,944 --> 01:19:42,434 Do you know what? Actually, forget it. 858 01:19:42,613 --> 01:19:44,521 Forget it. Forget it. Let it go. 859 01:19:44,698 --> 01:19:47,402 Let it go, Fletch. You're the bigger man. 860 01:19:53,830 --> 01:19:58,158 Whoa! That's some mighty fine hotwiring skills you got there, lady. 861 01:19:58,334 --> 01:20:00,789 Thanks. Right. Now what? 862 01:20:00,961 --> 01:20:03,533 Don't know. Go home? 863 01:20:03,713 --> 01:20:07,710 Go home? They've taken my friends, they very nearly took our lives, 864 01:20:07,883 --> 01:20:10,799 and we never even dreamed they existed before tonight. 865 01:20:10,969 --> 01:20:14,253 How can we just go home to our beds? 866 01:20:14,430 --> 01:20:16,635 - What's she talking about? - Uh... 867 01:20:16,807 --> 01:20:18,348 This village is free, 868 01:20:18,517 --> 01:20:22,216 but more creatures like Carmilla lurk in the dark corners of the world. 869 01:20:22,395 --> 01:20:24,600 No one would believe us if we tell. 870 01:20:24,772 --> 01:20:27,262 We are the only people who know the truth. 871 01:20:27,441 --> 01:20:30,145 We must go out there and fight this menace. 872 01:20:30,318 --> 01:20:34,315 Are you suggesting we become lesbian vampire killers? 873 01:20:34,488 --> 01:20:37,404 If that's what it takes, ja. 874 01:20:39,743 --> 01:20:44,320 Well, I ain't got anything else on in particular at the moment, so I'm in. 875 01:20:44,497 --> 01:20:46,405 - Jim? - I don't know. 876 01:20:46,582 --> 01:20:49,748 Oh, come on. It's in your blood, your destiny, all that shit. 877 01:20:49,918 --> 01:20:51,328 - Huh? - I'll tell you later. 878 01:20:51,502 --> 01:20:55,415 - Come on. You might as well. - Join us. 879 01:20:55,589 --> 01:20:58,624 Lesbian vampire killers, it is. Let's ride. 880 01:20:58,800 --> 01:21:01,041 Whoo-hoo!