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[Justin Bieber's
<i>All Around the World]</i>

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♪ All around the world

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♪

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(male announcer)
This is <i>The Comedy Central Roast</i>
<i>of Justin Bieber.</i>

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♪ All around the world
people want to be loved ♪

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With your roastmaster,
Kevin Hart,

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and starring
Shaquille O'Neal,

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Jeff Ross,

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Natasha Leggero,

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Chris D'Elia,

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Pete Davidson,

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Snoop Dogg,

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Ludacris,

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Martha Stewart,

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and Hannibal Buress.

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♪ All around the world
people want to be loved ♪

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♪

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♪ All around the world
they're no different than us ♪

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♪

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<i>The Comedy Central Roast</i>
<i>of Justin Bieber.</i>

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And now, please welcome
your roastmaster, Kevin Hart.

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[cheers and applause]

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All right, hey.
Y'all better clap.

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Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,

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my name is Kevin Hart,
and welcome

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to <i>The Comedy Central Roast</i>
<i>of Justin Bieber.</i>

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Here's the thing,

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Justin Bieber has
tens of millions of fans.

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I mean, most of them
are either in middle schools

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or standing at least
500 feet away from one.

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I mean...

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It's the truth. I'm not saying
anything that's not the truth.

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He's a worldwide superstar.

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There's even
a wax figure of Justin

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at Madame Tussauds
in London.

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It's incredibly lifelike.
I've seen it.

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He's face down
in a wax Usher's lap.

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It's--it's weird.

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That's a dick sucking joke.
We off to a start.

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Yeah.

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It's gonna get dirty tonight.

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Tonight--Here's the thing.
Tonight we're gonna do

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what his parents
and the legal system

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should have done
a long time ago.

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We're about to give this boy
a ass-whupping that he deserves.

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We are.
We are!

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Why invite me if you
don't want it to get ugly?

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I don't understand that.

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I mean, come on,
we got the right dais to do it.

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We got Ludacris.
We got my man Snoop Dogg, Shaq.

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This is crazy.

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Usually, when I see this many
brothers sitting together,

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Maury Povich is about to open
an envelope.

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I've never seen
anything like it.

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Shaq, take that dumbass look
off your face.

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You look stupid.

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Here's my question.
Shaq, how did you even

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end up on a roast?
That's what I want to know.

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They must've called up
the NBA pregame show

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and said, "You know what?
Send us the third funniest guy.

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"Wait, he's not available?

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Send us Shaq.
Let us get Shaq then."

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My man Snoop Dogg is here.
There he is.

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Yeah.

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Wait, wait,
let me clear something up

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for all the young people
here tonight.

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Snoop Dogg is a rapper.

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Yeah, that's my aunt's
favorite rapper.

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You know--

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For all the black people
that are confused

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about that old white woman
on the couch,

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that's Martha Stewart.
Yeah, right there.

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That's Martha Stewart
right there.

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Martha, do me a favor and put
your ankle bracelet on vibrate

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so we don't have no problems
during the show.

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But, Martha,
understand something.

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Tonight, it's about
another blond bitch.

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It's about Justin Bieber.

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That's who we're talking about
tonight.

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That's who we're talking
about tonight.

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So now, why don't we do this.

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Why don't we go and take a look
at his huge success

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that confuses everyone
over the age 14.

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Roll security footage
right now.

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Our next guest has
a mind-boggling 80 million views

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on YouTube,
and he's only 15 years old.

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♪ And I was like,
baby, baby, baby, oh ♪

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♪ Like, I thought
you'd always be mine ♪

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♪ I'm gone

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That's how you do it.

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♪ Find me somebody to love

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(female news reporter)
Justin Bieber is one of
the biggest

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pop stars on the planet.

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(Drake)
Now I'd like you to welcome
my brother to the stage.

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He goes by the name
of Justin Bieber.

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- Justin Bieber.
- Justin Bieber.

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(Justin)
I love you so much.

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[police siren blaring]

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(female news reporter)
Speeding down the 101 freeway,

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pop star Justin Bieber
was stopped by police.

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(male news reporter)
The <i>Boyfriend</i> singer
had just returned home

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from an overseas concert tour
when he began racing his Ferrari

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through the streets.

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♪ If I was your boyfriend
I'd never let you go ♪

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(girl) I think about him
99% of my life.

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I saw him in the car.

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That was the most amazing
moment of my life.

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Best moment of my life!

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Justin Bieber said
that he hoped Anne Frank

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would have been
a Belieber.

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That's right,
I didn't make that up.

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I couldn't have made that up.

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♪ If I was your boyfriend

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Ow.

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(female news reporter)
Bieber could face
battery charges

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after a physical altercation
with a photographer.

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What the [bleep] you say?

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(man)
You watch it, man.

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- What'd you say?
(man) You are [indistinct].

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I'll beat the [bleep]
out of you.

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(male news reporter)
He was accused of throwing eggs
at this mansion,

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causing $20,000 in damage.

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Were they Fabergé eggs?
What did you throw?

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Whoo!

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(female news reporter)
Bieber is facing
multiple charges

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after a wild night
in Miami Beach.

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DUI alcohol or drugs,
resisting without violence,

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driving with an expired
driver's license.

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You're too young
to be smoking pot

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and driving up and down
the highway fast!

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What are you doing?

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- Ah!
- What are you doing?

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Whoo!

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I've done some things that might
not have been the greatest.

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- Really? Nothing comes to mind.
- I know, right?

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I don't know what
you're talking about.

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(man)
Justin Bieber has become
the new face--

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or should we say body--
of Calvin Klein.

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Yo, my pee-pee's in there.

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♪ As long as you love

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The fanfare of what he is
as a celebrity

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is only partial to what he
ultimately will be as an artist.

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(Justin)
This is not the end
of Justin Bieber.

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♪ As long as you love me

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[cheers and applause]

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Tonight--tonight, we're
going to talk about redemption.

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[gospel organ playing]

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We're going to talk about
second chances and third chances

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and 15th chances.

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Sometimes it can be
hard to believe,

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but I'm not asking you all
to believe.

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I'm asking you to "beliebe."
Yes, yes.

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I'm asking you
to "beliebe" in a man

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with the voice
of Stevie Wonder

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and the driving skills
of Stevie Wonder.

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My question to the church is,
"Are you ready to beliebe?"

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[cheers and applause]

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No.
No, no, no.

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I'll ask again.
I said,

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"Are you ready to beliebe?"

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[crowd cheering]

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Are you ready
to become Beliebers?

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[crowd cheering]

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Then, ladies and gentlemen,
Justin Bieber.

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[gospel music]

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♪

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(all) ♪ Got to Beliebe
(Kevin) Yeah.

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♪ Got to Beliebe
He's gonna make a Belieber ♪

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♪ A Belieber out of me
- Yes!

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♪ When you Beliebe
When you Beliebe ♪

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♪ You will be down, way down,
on your bendin' knee ♪

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♪ I'm gonna be a Belieber

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♪ Till the day I die
(Kevin) Yeah.

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♪ Shout "I beliebe"
from the mountain high ♪

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(Kevin) Hey.

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♪ Got to Beliebe.
(Kevin) Hey.

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♪ Got to Beliebe
He's gonna make a Belieber ♪

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♪ A Belieber out of me

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Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.

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Oh, shit.
We killed the white boy.

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The white--
Watch out. Watch out!

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Let me through.
Jesus, no.

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(woman)
Oh!

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(Kevin)
Not like this.

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Wait, wait.
He's moving! He's moving!

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[all cheering]
[gospel music]

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(all)
♪ He's still alive,
We thought he died ♪

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♪ You can't kill Justin Bieber
no matter what you try ♪

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♪ It's time to go
on with the show ♪

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♪ But you got to--
Got to Belie-e-ebe ♪

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Yeah.
Come on.

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♪

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Yeah, oh.
Justin Bieber, everybody.

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[cheers and applause]

195
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(Kevin)
Nice. How you doing?

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(Kevin) You're good?
- Yep.

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That's good.
I'm glad that you're good.

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- All right.
- Here's the thing.

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Before we get off
to any roasting and any digging,

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I want everybody
to understand this,

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Justin Bieber really does
have it all.

202
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I'm serious.
He has a dick and a pussy.

203
00:09:02,499 --> 00:09:05,498
Justin, stand up.
Pop that thing one time.

204
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Show 'em. Give 'em
that hermaphrodite twerk

205
00:09:07,499 --> 00:09:09,498
one time.

206
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I've seen it.
No? No?

207
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Let's be honest.
Justin, you made a few mistakes.

208
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You're not perfect.
He's done some things.

209
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Dude, you got caught peeing
on a video in a mop bucket.

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Why are these idiots
who work for you

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taping you pissing?
That's what I don't understand.

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Like, when someone's
filming you taking a piss,

213
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if you don't want them
to tape you,

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you turn around, you say,
"Turn the Goddamn camera off,"

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unless it's mandatory
like Snoop pissing

216
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in front of his parole officer.
That's different, Snoop.

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That guy's got to see
your dick.

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I get it.
Don't worry about it.

219
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That's a criminal joke to Snoop
'cause he's been to jail.

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You were on the cover
of <i>Men's Health.</i>

221
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He's getting
a lot of slack

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for taking his shirt off
all the time.

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I don't get it.
I don't understand that.

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Justin, let me
tell you something, man.

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Okay, if you can take
your shirt off, you do it.

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You do it as much
as you Goddamn can.

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Seriously.
Look at Shaq--Shaq--

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00:10:00,499 --> 00:10:03,498
Shaq hasn't taken his shirt off
since high school, okay?

229
00:10:03,499 --> 00:10:07,498
That's a true story.
That's a true story right there.

230
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Jeff Ross hasn't taken
his shirt off since preschool.

231
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True story.

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Martha Stewart had her shirt off
in my dressing room.

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Stop, stop, stop.
Don't get the wrong idea.

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She just wanted me
to titty fuck her!

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Yeah!

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I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Stop.

237
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I'm just trying
to loosen y'all up.

238
00:10:29,499 --> 00:10:30,498
I'm sorry.

239
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Martha, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

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Is that gonna affect me getting
free sheets after this, Martha?

241
00:10:35,499 --> 00:10:36,498
Please.

242
00:10:36,499 --> 00:10:39,498
I messed up my chance
of getting free sheets,

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Goddamn it, Kevin.

244
00:10:42,499 --> 00:10:43,498
Me personally, I'm not mad.

245
00:10:43,499 --> 00:10:45,498
I'm not mad at Justin.
I'm not.

246
00:10:45,499 --> 00:10:46,498
I'm gonna tell you
who I'm mad at.

247
00:10:46,499 --> 00:10:48,498
I'm mad at his manager.

248
00:10:48,499 --> 00:10:50,209
You, Scooter.
That's right.

249
00:10:50,499 --> 00:10:52,498
Scooter Braun right there.

250
00:10:52,499 --> 00:10:55,498
Scooter is the man that actually
discovered Justin Bieber.

251
00:10:55,499 --> 00:10:58,498
Scooter Braun was
25 years old.

252
00:10:58,499 --> 00:11:01,498
He was a single man
living in Atlanta alone

253
00:11:01,499 --> 00:11:03,498
when he found Justin Bieber
on the Internet

254
00:11:03,499 --> 00:11:08,498
in the middle of the night.
The middle of the night!

255
00:11:08,499 --> 00:11:13,498
He found a little white boy
with nice hair on the Internet.

256
00:11:13,499 --> 00:11:15,498
Sounds to me like Scooter was
fresh off a dick-beating session

257
00:11:15,499 --> 00:11:19,498
if you ask me.

258
00:11:19,499 --> 00:11:21,498
Now, I don't know
where Chris Hansen is,

259
00:11:21,499 --> 00:11:23,498
but he missed one.

260
00:11:23,499 --> 00:11:25,498
That's a Goddamn predator
if I've ever seen one

261
00:11:25,499 --> 00:11:28,498
right there.

262
00:11:28,499 --> 00:11:30,498
Now, Justin, unfortunately,
Selena Gomez,

263
00:11:30,499 --> 00:11:31,498
she couldn't be here tonight.

264
00:11:31,499 --> 00:11:33,498
[audience "awws"]

265
00:11:33,499 --> 00:11:35,498
No, she couldn't.
She couldn't...

266
00:11:35,499 --> 00:11:37,498
Just because
she didn't want to come.

267
00:11:37,499 --> 00:11:39,498
There's no reason.
She just didn't want to--

268
00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:41,498
She didn't want to be here.

269
00:11:41,499 --> 00:11:45,498
I wish I had something better
to tell you, but I don't.

270
00:11:45,499 --> 00:11:48,498
No, Selena got word
that there was rumors

271
00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:50,498
of Justin dealing
with Kendall Jenner,

272
00:11:50,499 --> 00:11:53,498
and that shocked me.
I was like, "What the fuck?"

273
00:11:53,499 --> 00:11:56,498
That's what I said.
"What the fuck?"

274
00:11:56,499 --> 00:11:58,251
I was like, "If you're gonna
deal with a Jenner,

275
00:11:58,499 --> 00:11:59,498
I thought it would be Bruce."
That's what I thought.

276
00:11:59,499 --> 00:12:01,498
If it was--

277
00:12:01,499 --> 00:12:02,498
Just one. I'm sorry.
That's the only one.

278
00:12:02,499 --> 00:12:05,498
I swear to God, guys,
no more.

279
00:12:05,499 --> 00:12:06,498
It's no secret that Justin
wants to be black.

280
00:12:06,499 --> 00:12:08,498
Can we all agree on that?
Justin loves the black culture.

281
00:12:08,499 --> 00:12:10,498
Everybody knows that.

282
00:12:10,499 --> 00:12:12,498
My thing is this,
Justin, I just want you

283
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:14,498
to come to terms with the fact
that you're not gangster.

284
00:12:14,499 --> 00:12:16,498
That's Justin's
main problem, man.

285
00:12:16,499 --> 00:12:19,498
You're not a gangster!
Accept that.

286
00:12:19,499 --> 00:12:21,498
I mean, come on.
Orlando Bloom took a swing

287
00:12:21,499 --> 00:12:24,498
at you.
That's not gangster, Justin.

288
00:12:24,499 --> 00:12:26,498
It's not!

289
00:12:26,499 --> 00:12:28,498
He's got a perfume
called "Girlfriend."

290
00:12:28,499 --> 00:12:33,498
That's not gangster, Justin.

291
00:12:33,499 --> 00:12:35,498
You threw eggs at a house.

292
00:12:35,499 --> 00:12:36,498
Gangsters don't throw
fucking eggs!

293
00:12:36,499 --> 00:12:38,498
Snoop, when the last time
you threw eggs

294
00:12:38,499 --> 00:12:41,499
at somebody's Goddamn house?

295
00:12:43,499 --> 00:12:48,498
We don't do that!
It's not gangster!

296
00:12:48,499 --> 00:12:52,498
Justin--Justin sang the N-word
on a video

297
00:12:52,499 --> 00:12:56,498
in a song that was
about killing black people!

298
00:12:56,499 --> 00:12:59,498
That's pretty Goddamn gangster,
Justin, I'ma give you that.

299
00:12:59,499 --> 00:13:02,498
That's as gangster as you get
right there.

300
00:13:02,499 --> 00:13:03,498
He actually got
in a lot of trouble

301
00:13:03,499 --> 00:13:05,498
when he got caught
saying the N-word on video.

302
00:13:05,499 --> 00:13:08,498
That right there, that should
make you feel stupid.

303
00:13:08,499 --> 00:13:09,498
Reason why I say that,

304
00:13:09,499 --> 00:13:11,498
because you know who didn't
get caught, Justin?

305
00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:12,498
The billion other white people

306
00:13:12,499 --> 00:13:14,498
that say the N-word
every Goddamn day.

307
00:13:14,499 --> 00:13:18,498
I'm talking about you, Martha.
I know you say it.

308
00:13:18,499 --> 00:13:20,498
You probably thinking it
right now.

309
00:13:20,499 --> 00:13:22,498
"Look at--Look at that
little nigger up there

310
00:13:22,499 --> 00:13:27,498
"in his little nigger tux.

311
00:13:27,499 --> 00:13:30,498
"With his little nigger shoes.
Look at him,

312
00:13:30,499 --> 00:13:35,498
up there dancing."

313
00:13:35,499 --> 00:13:38,498
Thankfully,
Justin avoided the usual--

314
00:13:38,499 --> 00:13:41,498
I guess you could say,
former childhood mistakes.

315
00:13:41,499 --> 00:13:43,498
You know, he hasn't had
a sex tape.

316
00:13:43,499 --> 00:13:45,498
That's good for you.

317
00:13:45,499 --> 00:13:49,498
He hasn't killed anyone.
You haven't bought a monkey.

318
00:13:49,499 --> 00:13:52,498
Oh, shit, you did.
You bought a monkey.

319
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:54,498
And you abandoned the monkey
in Germany.

320
00:13:54,499 --> 00:13:55,498
What the fuck was that?

321
00:13:55,499 --> 00:13:58,498
Like, you abandoned a monkey
in Germany.

322
00:13:58,499 --> 00:14:01,498
That was a privileged
Beverly Hills monkey.

323
00:14:01,499 --> 00:14:03,498
You showed him
your lifestyle,

324
00:14:03,499 --> 00:14:06,498
and then you
dropped him off in Germany?

325
00:14:06,499 --> 00:14:08,498
Now that monkey's turned out
in a Goddamn German zoo

326
00:14:08,499 --> 00:14:13,498
sucking rhino dick
'cause of your bad decision.

327
00:14:13,499 --> 00:14:14,498
It's not about the monkey
tonight.

328
00:14:14,499 --> 00:14:16,498
It's about you, Justin.
What I want you to do,

329
00:14:16,499 --> 00:14:17,498
I want you to sit back,
relax,

330
00:14:17,499 --> 00:14:19,498
'cause it's gonna be
a great night, man--

331
00:14:19,499 --> 00:14:20,498
Not for you,
for everybody else.

332
00:14:20,499 --> 00:14:23,498
We're gonna have a blast.

333
00:14:23,499 --> 00:14:25,498
It's on!
You hear me, people?

334
00:14:25,499 --> 00:14:28,498
It is on!

335
00:14:28,499 --> 00:14:30,498
(announcer) Coming up...
- Cameras are here, Jay, go!

336
00:14:30,499 --> 00:14:32,498
(announcer) Natasha Leggero...
- I'm about to kill it.

337
00:14:32,499 --> 00:14:34,498
(announcer) Pete Davidson,
Shaquille O'Neal...

338
00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:36,498
- Full roast mode, baby.
(announcer) Jeff Ross...

339
00:14:36,499 --> 00:14:38,498
- Getting in character.
- I'm ready.

340
00:14:38,499 --> 00:14:39,498
(announcer) Chris D'Elia.
- Is Ludacris ready

341
00:14:39,499 --> 00:14:42,498
- is what I want to know.
- I'm 100% prepared.

342
00:14:42,499 --> 00:14:44,498
(announcer) Hannibal Buress,
Martha Stewart,

343
00:14:44,499 --> 00:14:45,498
and Snoop Dogg.
- Naughty, naughty, naughty,

344
00:14:45,499 --> 00:14:48,498
naughty.

345
00:14:48,499 --> 00:14:50,499
(announcer) When <i>The Roast of</i>
<i>Justin Bieber</i> continues.

346
00:14:52,222 --> 00:14:54,221
[techno music]

347
00:14:54,222 --> 00:14:56,221
Are y'all ready to have
a good time tonight?

348
00:14:56,222 --> 00:14:58,221
[cheers and applause]

349
00:14:58,222 --> 00:15:00,221
That's what I want to hear.

350
00:15:00,222 --> 00:15:03,221
Okay, our first roaster
is Pete Davidson.

351
00:15:03,222 --> 00:15:06,221
Now, he's the newest member
of <i>Saturday Night Live.</i>

352
00:15:06,222 --> 00:15:11,221
This introduction is way longer
than his Wikipedia page.

353
00:15:11,222 --> 00:15:16,221
Guy from New York,
it's Pete Davidson.

354
00:15:16,222 --> 00:15:19,221
[techno music]

355
00:15:19,222 --> 00:15:23,221
♪

356
00:15:23,222 --> 00:15:25,221
Thank you.

357
00:15:25,222 --> 00:15:29,222
It's an honor to be at a roast
hosted by Shaq's dick.

358
00:15:36,222 --> 00:15:40,221
Wow. Wow, Ludacris
and Snoop Dogg are here.

359
00:15:40,222 --> 00:15:44,222
If I was 38,
I'd be freaking out right now.

360
00:15:49,222 --> 00:15:51,221
Kev, I loved you
as black Annie.

361
00:15:51,222 --> 00:15:52,222
He was so good.

362
00:15:58,222 --> 00:16:00,221
Ludacris!

363
00:16:00,222 --> 00:16:03,222
I don't mean you.
I mean Jeff's career.

364
00:16:08,222 --> 00:16:10,221
No, no, I mean,
I've been watching these roasts

365
00:16:10,222 --> 00:16:13,221
since I was nine, and
what's happening to you, Jeff?

366
00:16:13,222 --> 00:16:19,222
You look like someone put
Seth Rogen in the microwave.

367
00:16:23,222 --> 00:16:25,221
Martha, it's nice to see you

368
00:16:25,222 --> 00:16:28,221
interacting with black people
for the first time since prison.

369
00:16:28,222 --> 00:16:30,221
That's really nice.

370
00:16:30,222 --> 00:16:34,222
Martha's so old, her first
period was the Renaissance.

371
00:16:38,222 --> 00:16:40,221
What's up, Ludacris?
What's up, man?

372
00:16:40,222 --> 00:16:42,221
You might know Ludacris
from your mom's

373
00:16:42,222 --> 00:16:44,222
<i>That's What I Call Music</i> CD.

374
00:16:51,222 --> 00:16:54,222
Come on,
let's hear it for Shaq, right?

375
00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:56,221
[cheers and applause]

376
00:16:56,222 --> 00:16:58,221
Thanks for being here
and taking a break

377
00:16:58,222 --> 00:17:01,222
from throwing barrels
at Super Mario.

378
00:17:11,222 --> 00:17:12,557
[laughs]

379
00:17:13,222 --> 00:17:15,221
I'm sorry.

380
00:17:15,222 --> 00:17:20,221
[laughs]
Please don't eat me.

381
00:17:20,222 --> 00:17:24,221
[laughs]
I'm so afraid, you're so big.

382
00:17:24,222 --> 00:17:28,221
One of the many nicknames
that Shaq has is "Superman,"

383
00:17:28,222 --> 00:17:31,221
right, and much like Superman,
he pretends to be a reporter

384
00:17:31,222 --> 00:17:34,222
and has never met
his real father.

385
00:17:37,222 --> 00:17:39,221
No, no, no, no.
Shaq is cool, though.

386
00:17:39,222 --> 00:17:41,221
Shaq has shattered
eight backboards

387
00:17:41,222 --> 00:17:45,222
and 79 cervixes.

388
00:17:49,222 --> 00:17:53,221
Hannibal--Hannibal Buress
is here, everybody, Hannibal.

389
00:17:53,222 --> 00:17:56,221
Hannibal, of course, is famous
for exposing Bill Cosby, right,

390
00:17:56,222 --> 00:18:00,221
and only for exposing
Bill Cosby.

391
00:18:00,222 --> 00:18:01,222
No, he deserved it though.

392
00:18:02,182 --> 00:18:04,221
Bill Cosby hurt those women
without ever caring

393
00:18:04,222 --> 00:18:06,221
about the consequences--

394
00:18:06,222 --> 00:18:09,222
that Hannibal Buress would
become famous.

395
00:18:12,222 --> 00:18:13,221
Snoop Dogg's here.

396
00:18:13,222 --> 00:18:16,432
Snoop, I love Snoop,
you know?

397
00:18:17,222 --> 00:18:18,221
Snoop's son just got accepted

398
00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:21,221
to play division one
college football.

399
00:18:21,222 --> 00:18:26,221
Yeah. So Snoop Dogg
found out he has a son.

400
00:18:26,222 --> 00:18:28,221
And now speaking of someone
who probably doesn't know

401
00:18:28,222 --> 00:18:31,221
he has a son,
Justin Bieber is here.

402
00:18:31,222 --> 00:18:32,221
Justin--
Give it up for him.

403
00:18:32,222 --> 00:18:34,222
It really is--it's really
so cool what he's doing.

404
00:18:35,182 --> 00:18:39,221
You have no idea
how awesome this is.

405
00:18:39,222 --> 00:18:41,221
My cast-mate on <i>SNL,</i>
Kate McKinnon,

406
00:18:41,222 --> 00:18:43,221
does a perfect impression
of Justin.

407
00:18:43,222 --> 00:18:46,222
Perfect,
right down to the clit.

408
00:18:50,222 --> 00:18:52,221
Justin has a lot of tattoos.

409
00:18:52,222 --> 00:18:54,221
You have "patience" tattooed
on your neck,

410
00:18:54,222 --> 00:18:57,222
and "this doesn't count"
right above his asshole.

411
00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:06,221
No, no, no, but Justin's fucked
more models than bulimia.

412
00:19:06,222 --> 00:19:10,222
He's the only thing they swallow
and don't throw back up.

413
00:19:11,222 --> 00:19:14,221
Justin, you know,
I lost my dad on 9/11,

414
00:19:14,222 --> 00:19:17,221
and I always regretted
growing up without a dad,

415
00:19:17,222 --> 00:19:19,221
until I met your dad,
Justin.

416
00:19:19,222 --> 00:19:22,222
Now I'm glad mine's dead.

417
00:19:25,222 --> 00:19:27,221
And now for the greatest
transition

418
00:19:27,222 --> 00:19:29,221
in the history of comedy,

419
00:19:29,222 --> 00:19:33,221
two people from the movie
<i>Soul Plane</i> are here, right?

420
00:19:33,222 --> 00:19:35,221
[cheers and applause]

421
00:19:35,222 --> 00:19:40,221
Kevin, Snoop, <i>Soul Plane</i> was
the worst experience of my life

422
00:19:40,222 --> 00:19:43,222
involving a plane.

423
00:19:49,222 --> 00:19:51,221
All right, well--
No, seriously, Justin,

424
00:19:51,222 --> 00:19:52,221
I just want to say how cool
it is for you to be doing this.

425
00:19:52,222 --> 00:19:54,221
Like, you're the dude
for our generation, like,

426
00:19:54,222 --> 00:19:57,221
and it's just so cool
to see someone our age

427
00:19:57,222 --> 00:20:00,221
do exactly what he wants to do,
and you just, like,

428
00:20:00,222 --> 00:20:01,221
took over the world,
and like,

429
00:20:01,222 --> 00:20:03,221
it really is an inspiration.
This kid's fucking insane,

430
00:20:03,222 --> 00:20:05,221
so thank you, bro.

431
00:20:05,222 --> 00:20:07,221
[techno music]

432
00:20:07,222 --> 00:20:08,221
[cheers and applause]

433
00:20:08,222 --> 00:20:09,221
(Pete) I've always wanted
to make fun of him

434
00:20:09,222 --> 00:20:11,222
because everybody my age
likes him

435
00:20:12,057 --> 00:20:14,221
more than they like me,
and that's not okay.

436
00:20:14,222 --> 00:20:17,221
(announcer)
Coming up, Natasha Leggero.
and Ludacris.

437
00:20:17,222 --> 00:20:20,221
Are you ready?

438
00:20:20,222 --> 00:20:22,222
(announcer)
When <i>The Roast</i>
<i>of Justin Bieber</i> continues.

439
00:20:24,021 --> 00:20:27,020
[techno music]

440
00:20:27,021 --> 00:20:31,020
♪

441
00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:33,020
All right.

442
00:20:33,021 --> 00:20:36,020
Our next roaster is
a semi-famous rapper.

443
00:20:36,021 --> 00:20:38,020
I'm talking about Ludacris.

444
00:20:38,021 --> 00:20:41,020
His first album was called
<i>Incognegro,</i>

445
00:20:41,021 --> 00:20:44,020
and his new album, <i>Ludaverse,</i>
is hopefully his last.

446
00:20:44,021 --> 00:20:47,020
You may not recognize him
from the <i>Fast and Furious</i> movies

447
00:20:47,021 --> 00:20:48,020
because when he's on-screen,

448
00:20:48,021 --> 00:20:52,020
even the white people
start talking.

449
00:20:52,021 --> 00:20:57,020
Please welcome one of the most
successful rappers of 2001,

450
00:20:57,021 --> 00:20:58,020
Ludacris!

451
00:20:58,021 --> 00:20:59,020
[Ludacris' <i>Money Maker]</i>

452
00:20:59,021 --> 00:21:01,020
♪ Shake your money maker
Like somebody about to pay you ♪

453
00:21:01,021 --> 00:21:02,020
♪ I see you on my radar

454
00:21:02,021 --> 00:21:04,020
♪ Don't you act
like you afraid of Shh... ♪

455
00:21:04,021 --> 00:21:06,020
♪ You know I got it
If you want it, come get it ♪

456
00:21:06,021 --> 00:21:08,020
♪ Stand next to this money
Like hey hey hey ♪

457
00:21:08,021 --> 00:21:10,020
Oh, man.
Whoo.

458
00:21:10,021 --> 00:21:12,020
Make some noise for Kevin Hart,
ladies and gentlemen.

459
00:21:12,021 --> 00:21:14,020
Thank you.

460
00:21:14,021 --> 00:21:16,020
[cheers and applause]

461
00:21:16,021 --> 00:21:19,021
I just recently got married.
That's something to celebrate.

462
00:21:22,021 --> 00:21:24,020
And Kevin was at my wedding
because I needed

463
00:21:24,021 --> 00:21:26,020
a miniature black man
on my cake,

464
00:21:26,021 --> 00:21:29,021
so thank you for that.

465
00:21:31,021 --> 00:21:35,020
My good friend Shaquille O'Neal
is here this evening.

466
00:21:35,021 --> 00:21:37,020
[cheers and applause]

467
00:21:37,021 --> 00:21:40,020
Look at those big-ass feet.

468
00:21:40,021 --> 00:21:43,020
Man, you got toes in different
area codes right now.

469
00:21:43,021 --> 00:21:46,020
You do realize that, right?

470
00:21:46,021 --> 00:21:49,020
Shaq's fingers are so big,
every text he's ever sent

471
00:21:49,021 --> 00:21:50,021
is just every letter
of the alphabet

472
00:21:50,856 --> 00:21:54,020
at the same damn time.

473
00:21:54,021 --> 00:21:56,020
I'm just playing, Shaq,
you know.

474
00:21:56,021 --> 00:21:58,021
You are truly one
of the most original rappers.

475
00:21:59,021 --> 00:22:01,020
And by that I mean,
most of your CDs

476
00:22:01,021 --> 00:22:03,020
are still covered
in their original wrapper.

477
00:22:03,021 --> 00:22:06,020
You do--
you do know that?

478
00:22:06,021 --> 00:22:09,020
I believe the Doggfather's
in the house tonight.

479
00:22:09,021 --> 00:22:14,020
[cheers and applause]

480
00:22:14,021 --> 00:22:17,020
Snoop, your homey Dr. Dre just
became a billionaire last year,

481
00:22:17,021 --> 00:22:19,020
and you should be proud.

482
00:22:19,021 --> 00:22:20,020
There's not a lot
of black billionaires.

483
00:22:20,021 --> 00:22:21,020
There's Dr. Dre

484
00:22:21,021 --> 00:22:23,020
and the guy
that sells you weed.

485
00:22:23,021 --> 00:22:25,021
Yeah.

486
00:22:27,021 --> 00:22:29,020
I mean, you are a legend,
which is a nice way of saying,

487
00:22:29,021 --> 00:22:32,020
"You old as fuck."

488
00:22:32,021 --> 00:22:34,020
You only do it
doggie style now

489
00:22:34,021 --> 00:22:37,021
because it's easier
on your lower back.

490
00:22:39,147 --> 00:22:41,020
I see you over there laughing,
Martha Stewart.

491
00:22:41,021 --> 00:22:44,020
What you laughing at, huh?

492
00:22:44,021 --> 00:22:46,020
She's so old, if you look
closely at the $100 bill,

493
00:22:46,021 --> 00:22:51,021
you can see Martha photo-bombing
Ben Franklin in the background.

494
00:22:52,021 --> 00:22:54,020
So let's get to the kid
that I've known

495
00:22:54,021 --> 00:22:57,020
longer than anybody else
up here, Mr. Justin Bieber.

496
00:22:57,021 --> 00:23:01,020
[cheers and applause]

497
00:23:01,021 --> 00:23:03,020
He may have just turned 21,
but Justin will always be

498
00:23:03,021 --> 00:23:06,020
a baby to me
since babies piss everywhere

499
00:23:06,021 --> 00:23:10,020
and never know
when to shut the fuck up.

500
00:23:10,021 --> 00:23:12,020
I remember one day,
I got this call saying,

501
00:23:12,021 --> 00:23:14,020
"We want you to collaborate
with this little dude

502
00:23:14,021 --> 00:23:16,020
who will do anything
to get famous,"

503
00:23:16,021 --> 00:23:18,020
and I was like,
"Great, I love Kevin Hart."

504
00:23:18,021 --> 00:23:24,020
You know?
That's my guy.

505
00:23:24,021 --> 00:23:28,020
But this dude turned out to be
Justin motherfucking Bieber,

506
00:23:28,021 --> 00:23:31,020
and together we dropped
a track called <i>Baby.</i>

507
00:23:31,021 --> 00:23:35,021
[crowd cheering]

508
00:23:36,021 --> 00:23:38,020
It's got over a billion hits
on YouTube.

509
00:23:38,021 --> 00:23:41,020
That's because I'm in it.

510
00:23:41,021 --> 00:23:43,020
It also has
4 million dislikes.

511
00:23:43,021 --> 00:23:47,020
That's because he's in it.

512
00:23:47,021 --> 00:23:49,020
It's like you try to roll
like a gangster, man,

513
00:23:49,021 --> 00:23:51,020
but you're not tough, Justin.
I'm here to let you know, man.

514
00:23:51,021 --> 00:23:55,020
I know you been on <i>Ellen</i>
14 times.

515
00:23:55,021 --> 00:23:57,020
You act so much like a pussy
on the show,

516
00:23:57,021 --> 00:24:00,021
Ellen tried to eat you.
I mean, come on.

517
00:24:10,021 --> 00:24:11,020
But you've become
a music icon

518
00:24:11,021 --> 00:24:14,020
like a modern day
Michael Jackson.

519
00:24:14,021 --> 00:24:16,020
The only difference is,
as Michael got older,

520
00:24:16,021 --> 00:24:19,020
he acted whiter.

521
00:24:19,021 --> 00:24:22,020
Justin Bieber wants
to be black so bad,

522
00:24:22,021 --> 00:24:24,020
he actually has seen
Kevin Hart's movies in theaters,

523
00:24:24,021 --> 00:24:28,020
ladies and gentlemen.

524
00:24:28,021 --> 00:24:30,020
Justin, honestly, I feel bad
kicking you while you're down,

525
00:24:30,021 --> 00:24:32,020
but since you want
to be black,

526
00:24:32,021 --> 00:24:36,020
you might as well
get used to it, man.

527
00:24:36,021 --> 00:24:38,020
No, honestly, man,
it takes a very brave soul

528
00:24:38,021 --> 00:24:40,020
to get up here,
and I just want to say,

529
00:24:40,021 --> 00:24:41,020
I love you, J.B.

530
00:24:41,021 --> 00:24:43,020
I'm glad that you did this.
This is a beautiful thing.

531
00:24:43,021 --> 00:24:46,020
Y'all make some noise
for my man, Justin Bieber.

532
00:24:46,021 --> 00:24:50,020
[cheers and applause]

533
00:24:50,021 --> 00:24:53,020
[techno music]

534
00:24:53,021 --> 00:24:54,020
♪

535
00:24:54,021 --> 00:24:56,021
All right.
Hey, how about Ludacris?

536
00:24:56,272 --> 00:25:00,020
Come on, one time.
One time.

537
00:25:00,021 --> 00:25:01,020
[cheers and applause]

538
00:25:01,021 --> 00:25:03,020
Everything I know
about being a whore

539
00:25:03,021 --> 00:25:04,020
in the entertainment industry,

540
00:25:04,021 --> 00:25:06,020
I learned
from this next roaster.

541
00:25:06,021 --> 00:25:10,020
Of course I'm talking about you,
Natasha Leggero.

542
00:25:10,021 --> 00:25:14,020
You guys may have seen her
on <i>Reno 91</i> as a whore on drugs.

543
00:25:14,021 --> 00:25:16,020
If you didn't see that,
you may have seen her

544
00:25:16,021 --> 00:25:20,020
in <i>Neighbors</i>
as a whore on drugs.

545
00:25:20,021 --> 00:25:23,020
Everybody, I want you
to pull out some Purell

546
00:25:23,021 --> 00:25:26,020
for Natasha Leggero
right now.

547
00:25:26,021 --> 00:25:29,020
[cheers and applause]

548
00:25:29,021 --> 00:25:32,020
[techno music]

549
00:25:32,021 --> 00:25:37,020
♪

550
00:25:37,021 --> 00:25:42,021
Kevin, you look like someone
put 50 Cent in the dryer.

551
00:25:45,021 --> 00:25:48,020
There is a lot of star power
up here.

552
00:25:48,021 --> 00:25:50,020
These men combined
have made millions

553
00:25:50,021 --> 00:25:56,020
in child support payments.

554
00:25:56,021 --> 00:25:57,021
Kevin,
you are everywhere.

555
00:25:57,064 --> 00:25:59,020
You know, Kevin's actually
gonna be on the next season

556
00:25:59,021 --> 00:26:01,020
of <i>Game of Thrones.</i>

557
00:26:01,021 --> 00:26:07,020
He's playing
Peter Dinklage's shadow.

558
00:26:07,021 --> 00:26:10,021
[cheers and applause]

559
00:26:12,021 --> 00:26:14,020
Kevin does
all of his own stunts.

560
00:26:14,021 --> 00:26:16,020
He climbs into his own chair.

561
00:26:16,021 --> 00:26:20,020
He climbs
out of his own bathtub.

562
00:26:20,021 --> 00:26:23,021
He goes up on his wife.

563
00:26:27,021 --> 00:26:30,020
Kevin has a Napoleon complex.

564
00:26:30,021 --> 00:26:33,020
Kevin, Napoleon was
the leader of France.

565
00:26:33,021 --> 00:26:36,020
Ludacris,
France is in Europe.

566
00:26:36,021 --> 00:26:40,020
Justin,
Europe's a continent.

567
00:26:40,021 --> 00:26:44,020
Shaq, a continent is not
a free breakfast.

568
00:26:44,021 --> 00:26:47,021
[cheers and applause]

569
00:26:52,021 --> 00:26:53,020
You know, a lot of people
don't know this.

570
00:26:53,021 --> 00:26:56,020
"Shaquille" is an Arabic name
for "handsome,"

571
00:26:56,021 --> 00:27:00,021
and "O'Neal" is the Irish word
for "just kidding."

572
00:27:06,021 --> 00:27:07,020
Shaq's dick is so big,

573
00:27:07,021 --> 00:27:11,021
he has to use Dropbox
to send a dick pic.

574
00:27:16,021 --> 00:27:18,020
When I first met Hannibal,
I was like,

575
00:27:18,021 --> 00:27:20,020
"You are going to be a star,"

576
00:27:20,021 --> 00:27:22,020
and when I first met Kevin,
I was like,

577
00:27:22,021 --> 00:27:23,020
"No, I don't want to buy
a candy bar

578
00:27:23,021 --> 00:27:27,021
to support your local
after-school program."

579
00:27:29,021 --> 00:27:32,020
Ludacris, not only
is your music great,

580
00:27:32,021 --> 00:27:35,021
but I love all your movie.

581
00:27:38,021 --> 00:27:40,020
Jeff Ross, it's great
to see you here

582
00:27:40,021 --> 00:27:41,020
once a year at these roasts.

583
00:27:41,021 --> 00:27:44,021
How's the Uber driving
going?

584
00:27:48,021 --> 00:27:50,020
Chris D'Elia finally answers
the question,

585
00:27:50,021 --> 00:27:55,021
"What if Dane Cook had half
the talent and a rich father?"

586
00:28:01,021 --> 00:28:04,020
Sorry, let me just take a second
to explain to the black guys

587
00:28:04,021 --> 00:28:07,020
on the dais what a father is.

588
00:28:07,021 --> 00:28:10,020
All right.

589
00:28:10,021 --> 00:28:14,020
I'm excited Snoop's here.

590
00:28:14,021 --> 00:28:18,021
Snoop, you look
like Shaq's skeleton.

591
00:28:26,021 --> 00:28:30,020
[cheers and applause]

592
00:28:30,021 --> 00:28:32,020
All these rappers on stage,

593
00:28:32,021 --> 00:28:35,020
and Martha Stewart has done
the most jail time.

594
00:28:35,021 --> 00:28:39,020
[cheers and applause]

595
00:28:39,021 --> 00:28:41,020
Now, that's not fair.

596
00:28:41,021 --> 00:28:45,020
Justin Bieber, everybody.

597
00:28:45,021 --> 00:28:47,020
[cheers and applause]

598
00:28:47,021 --> 00:28:51,020
Seems like only yesterday
you were discovered on YouTube.

599
00:28:51,021 --> 00:28:54,021
Time flies when you're
a piece of shit.

600
00:28:58,021 --> 00:29:00,020
No, Justin's fans
are called "Beliebers,"

601
00:29:00,021 --> 00:29:02,020
because these days,
it's considered

602
00:29:02,021 --> 00:29:06,021
politically incorrect
to use the term "retards."

603
00:29:13,021 --> 00:29:14,020
Justin,
you've been on <i>Ellen</i>

604
00:29:14,021 --> 00:29:18,021
more than a pussy juice
moustache.

605
00:29:24,021 --> 00:29:28,020
Mine was better,
Ludacris.

606
00:29:28,021 --> 00:29:30,606
Justin was born
to a teenage single mom.

607
00:29:31,021 --> 00:29:32,020
No wonder he's got moves.

608
00:29:32,021 --> 00:29:36,020
He was in the womb
dodging a coat hanger.

609
00:29:36,021 --> 00:29:39,020
[crowd groans]

610
00:29:39,021 --> 00:29:42,020
Justin, Selena Gomez
had to fuck you.

611
00:29:42,021 --> 00:29:45,020
She is literally
the least lucky Selena

612
00:29:45,021 --> 00:29:49,021
in all of entertainment
history.

613
00:29:57,021 --> 00:29:59,020
No, Justin,
you're so successful.

614
00:29:59,021 --> 00:30:03,020
You're so rich.
You're like our beetles.

615
00:30:03,021 --> 00:30:05,020
Not the band, the bugs
that live in shit.

616
00:30:05,021 --> 00:30:06,020
So...

617
00:30:06,021 --> 00:30:09,020
Justin, I just want to tell you,
I think that you are

618
00:30:09,021 --> 00:30:11,020
well on your way to becoming
a handsome, young gentleman,

619
00:30:11,021 --> 00:30:16,020
and I really think that
things are gonna get better

620
00:30:16,021 --> 00:30:19,020
after this for you,
and thank you for--

621
00:30:19,021 --> 00:30:21,020
Thank you for letting me
be here and do this.

622
00:30:21,021 --> 00:30:23,020
Thank you, Justin Bieber.

623
00:30:23,021 --> 00:30:27,020
[cheers and applause]

624
00:30:27,021 --> 00:30:28,231
(announcer)
Still to come...

625
00:30:29,021 --> 00:30:31,020
- Oh!
(announcer) Shaquille O'Neal.

626
00:30:31,021 --> 00:30:32,397
These hands are like
a junkie's back.

627
00:30:33,021 --> 00:30:34,020
(announcer)
Martha Stewart.

628
00:30:34,021 --> 00:30:36,020
I think she's got a few tricks
up her sleeve, right?

629
00:30:36,021 --> 00:30:37,020
(announcer)
Snoop Dogg.

630
00:30:37,021 --> 00:30:39,020
Stop yelling at me.

631
00:30:39,021 --> 00:30:40,020
(announcer)
Hannibal Buress,
and Jeff Ross...

632
00:30:40,021 --> 00:30:42,020
God's pissed at you.

633
00:30:42,021 --> 00:30:43,020
Bill Cosby was
his favorite comedian.

634
00:30:43,021 --> 00:30:45,020
[laughter]

635
00:30:45,021 --> 00:30:47,021
(announcer)
When the <i>Roast of Justin Bieber</i>
continues.

636
00:30:49,855 --> 00:30:53,812
[cheers and applause]

637
00:30:55,812 --> 00:30:57,811
First of all, I can't bring out
our next roaster

638
00:30:57,812 --> 00:31:00,272
without giving the attention
to Natasha Leggero

639
00:31:00,812 --> 00:31:01,811
that she deserves.

640
00:31:01,812 --> 00:31:03,811
Make some noise
for that Goddamn woman.

641
00:31:03,812 --> 00:31:07,811
You killed.
Killed!

642
00:31:07,812 --> 00:31:11,811
All right, our next roaster
is Shaquille O'Neal.

643
00:31:11,812 --> 00:31:13,811
[applause]
Yeah, yeah.

644
00:31:13,812 --> 00:31:17,811
He's an NBA legend
with a Doctorate of Education,

645
00:31:17,812 --> 00:31:19,812
but you wouldn't know it
by the way that he pronounces

646
00:31:20,812 --> 00:31:22,811
"Doctorate of Education."

647
00:31:22,812 --> 00:31:27,811
Everybody,
let's get ready to mumble!

648
00:31:27,812 --> 00:31:31,812
It's Shaquille O'Neal.

649
00:31:47,812 --> 00:31:49,812
Thank you, Webster.

650
00:31:52,812 --> 00:31:54,811
Kevin is the only celebrity
with a star

651
00:31:54,812 --> 00:31:56,812
on the yellow brick road.

652
00:32:00,812 --> 00:32:02,811
In case you didn't know,
I am Shaquille O'Neal.

653
00:32:02,812 --> 00:32:05,811
Shaq Diesel...
[whooping]

654
00:32:05,812 --> 00:32:07,811
Superman, Big Aristotle,

655
00:32:07,812 --> 00:32:10,811
Big Cactus, Big Galactus,

656
00:32:10,812 --> 00:32:13,811
and Martha Stewart's
baby daddy.

657
00:32:13,812 --> 00:32:15,811
And trust me,

658
00:32:15,812 --> 00:32:17,689
Martha know how to work
that motherfucker,

659
00:32:17,812 --> 00:32:19,811
boy, let me tell you.

660
00:32:19,812 --> 00:32:21,811
Once you go Shaq,
you never go back.

661
00:32:21,812 --> 00:32:23,812
Ain't that right, Martha?

662
00:32:25,812 --> 00:32:26,811
But I'm not the only
baller here tonight.

663
00:32:26,812 --> 00:32:28,811
What's up, Snoop?

664
00:32:28,812 --> 00:32:30,811
How you doing, baby?

665
00:32:30,812 --> 00:32:31,811
Snoop made a reggae album.

666
00:32:31,812 --> 00:32:34,811
If you're a rap fan,
you may not have it.

667
00:32:34,812 --> 00:32:37,147
But if you're a reggae fan,

668
00:32:37,812 --> 00:32:39,812
I know you don't
fucking have it.

669
00:32:42,812 --> 00:32:45,811
Look at all these scrubs
on the stage.

670
00:32:45,812 --> 00:32:47,811
Chris D'Elia,

671
00:32:47,812 --> 00:32:49,811
Hannibal, Natasha,

672
00:32:49,812 --> 00:32:52,811
Pete Davidson, Jeff Ross--

673
00:32:52,812 --> 00:32:54,811
I haven't seen a more
disappointing lineup

674
00:32:54,812 --> 00:32:56,812
since the last Lakers game.

675
00:33:03,812 --> 00:33:05,811
Speaking of the game,

676
00:33:05,812 --> 00:33:10,811
my main man Chris Paul
from the Clippers is down there.

677
00:33:10,812 --> 00:33:11,811
Hey, Chris,

678
00:33:11,812 --> 00:33:14,811
way you guys playing, you ain't
gonna be getting a ring.

679
00:33:14,812 --> 00:33:16,811
I got four of 'em
if you need to borrow one.

680
00:33:16,812 --> 00:33:18,811
(crowd)
Oh!

681
00:33:18,812 --> 00:33:20,812
You guys suck.

682
00:33:24,812 --> 00:33:28,811
Jeff, how am I the one
who played 19 seasons

683
00:33:28,812 --> 00:33:29,811
and you're the one
who looks like

684
00:33:29,812 --> 00:33:33,811
you took 20 years of elbows
to the face?

685
00:33:33,812 --> 00:33:36,811
You ugly motherfucker.

686
00:33:36,812 --> 00:33:40,812
Look at Jeff--Jeff got a body
like a cafeteria lady.

687
00:33:47,812 --> 00:33:49,811
Now, as many of you know,

688
00:33:49,812 --> 00:33:52,811
I'm a police detective
in the city of Miami.

689
00:33:52,812 --> 00:33:55,605
So, Justin, as a police
officer of the law,

690
00:33:55,812 --> 00:33:57,811
I'm gonna give it
to you straight,

691
00:33:57,812 --> 00:33:59,812
which I know will be
a new experience for you.

692
00:34:01,812 --> 00:34:03,811
I got a questions, Justin.

693
00:34:03,812 --> 00:34:06,811
What kind of bitch
eggs his neighbor's house?

694
00:34:06,812 --> 00:34:08,811
You caused $20,000 in damages.

695
00:34:08,812 --> 00:34:10,811
Imagine the damage
you would have caused

696
00:34:10,812 --> 00:34:12,812
if you threw like a boy.

697
00:34:14,812 --> 00:34:18,811
What are you doing dropping
75 Gs in a Miami strip club?

698
00:34:18,812 --> 00:34:20,811
I heard the DJ
play one of your songs,

699
00:34:20,812 --> 00:34:24,812
and the dancers complained
their pussies were drying up.

700
00:34:28,812 --> 00:34:30,811
Justin, as a father of six,

701
00:34:30,812 --> 00:34:32,811
you gotta straighten up, son.

702
00:34:32,812 --> 00:34:33,811
You know, last year
you were ranked

703
00:34:33,812 --> 00:34:36,811
the fifth most hated person
of all time.

704
00:34:36,812 --> 00:34:40,811
Kim Jong-Un didn't even
score that low.

705
00:34:40,812 --> 00:34:43,812
And he uses your music
to fucking torture people.

706
00:34:46,812 --> 00:34:48,811
But thanks to that music,
Justin is worth

707
00:34:48,812 --> 00:34:50,811
over $200 million...

708
00:34:50,812 --> 00:34:53,812
and in prison,
four packs of Cools.

709
00:34:56,812 --> 00:34:59,522
Justin got a tattoo
of Jesus on his calf.

710
00:34:59,812 --> 00:35:01,811
Why you gotta bring Jesus
in your mess?

711
00:35:01,812 --> 00:35:04,812
That man has suffered enough.

712
00:35:07,812 --> 00:35:10,811
Seriously, Justin,
I love ya,

713
00:35:10,812 --> 00:35:12,811
you're a platinum
recording artist.

714
00:35:12,812 --> 00:35:13,811
Give it up.

715
00:35:13,812 --> 00:35:15,811
[cheers and applause]

716
00:35:15,812 --> 00:35:18,811
You're a model.
Give it up.

717
00:35:18,812 --> 00:35:19,811
[cheering]
You're a sex symbol.

718
00:35:19,812 --> 00:35:21,811
Give it up.
[cheering]

719
00:35:21,812 --> 00:35:23,811
I just wanna say,
Justin Timberlake,

720
00:35:23,812 --> 00:35:27,811
I fucking love you.
Thank you.

721
00:35:27,812 --> 00:35:30,811
[upbeat music]

722
00:35:30,812 --> 00:35:38,812
♪

723
00:35:41,812 --> 00:35:42,811
Shaq's hilarious.

724
00:35:42,812 --> 00:35:45,811
♪ I'm gonna have
Shaq's baby ♪

725
00:35:45,812 --> 00:35:47,811
(announcer) Still to come
on the roast of Justin Bieber,

726
00:35:47,812 --> 00:35:48,811
Martha Stewart...

727
00:35:48,812 --> 00:35:50,811
Actually, this is sort of
like doing a roast turkey.

728
00:35:50,812 --> 00:35:51,811
(announcer)
And Chris D'Elia.

729
00:35:51,812 --> 00:35:53,811
Actually, I'm up next,
so if you're gonna

730
00:35:53,812 --> 00:35:54,812
change the channel,
hurry up and do it.

731
00:35:55,063 --> 00:35:57,812
(announcer)
When <i>The Roast of Justin Bieber</i>
continues.

732
00:36:00,065 --> 00:36:03,021
[cheers and applause]

733
00:36:03,022 --> 00:36:06,021
[techno music]

734
00:36:06,022 --> 00:36:09,021
Our next roaster
is Chris D'Elia.

735
00:36:09,022 --> 00:36:12,021
Holy shit, yeah.

736
00:36:12,022 --> 00:36:14,021
I know everybody's
excited about this.

737
00:36:14,022 --> 00:36:18,021
If you didn't know, he's a star
of the NBC show <i>Undateable,</i>

738
00:36:18,022 --> 00:36:21,021
and Chris's standup
is actually unwatchable.

739
00:36:21,022 --> 00:36:24,021
I've seen it.
It hurts.

740
00:36:24,022 --> 00:36:26,021
He is Justin Bieber's
favorite comic,

741
00:36:26,022 --> 00:36:30,021
which is why he has "duh"
in the middle of his name.

742
00:36:30,022 --> 00:36:36,021
Please welcome future rapist
Chris "Duh" Elia.

743
00:36:36,022 --> 00:36:37,021
Yeah.

744
00:36:37,022 --> 00:36:40,022
[cheers and applause]

745
00:36:42,022 --> 00:36:44,022
No, seriously, keep it going
for the ghost of Chris Tucker,

746
00:36:44,524 --> 00:36:49,021
everybody.

747
00:36:49,022 --> 00:36:51,021
No, Kevin's a good guy,
and of course he's here,

748
00:36:51,022 --> 00:36:53,021
because he can't say no
to anything.

749
00:36:53,022 --> 00:36:58,021
Last week he hosted an ISIS
beheading video on Reddit.

750
00:36:58,022 --> 00:37:01,021
What?
What the fuck, man?

751
00:37:01,022 --> 00:37:05,021
What the fuck?

752
00:37:05,022 --> 00:37:06,021
Hey, Shaq.
Shaq's here.

753
00:37:06,022 --> 00:37:08,021
People don't realize this,
but Shaq,

754
00:37:08,022 --> 00:37:10,021
those "I can't breathe"
T-shirts,

755
00:37:10,022 --> 00:37:14,021
they were about Shaq's
last season with the Celtics.

756
00:37:14,022 --> 00:37:16,021
Jeff Ross, hey.

757
00:37:16,022 --> 00:37:19,021
How about the fact
that if there weren't roasts,

758
00:37:19,022 --> 00:37:23,021
Jeff Ross would work
at IKEA?

759
00:37:23,022 --> 00:37:26,021
We all do other things, which is
why we're on the roasts.

760
00:37:26,022 --> 00:37:28,021
You're on the roasts because
you're on the fucking roasts.

761
00:37:28,022 --> 00:37:30,021
Fuck yeah!

762
00:37:30,022 --> 00:37:33,021
Ludacris, what do you do now
anyway, okay?

763
00:37:33,022 --> 00:37:35,021
You were a rapper.
You make headphones

764
00:37:35,022 --> 00:37:37,021
that no one listens with.

765
00:37:37,022 --> 00:37:39,021
You make Hennessy
that no one drinks.

766
00:37:39,022 --> 00:37:42,022
You're like a human
going out of business sale.

767
00:37:44,022 --> 00:37:47,021
Snoop Dogg, what's up?
It's cool you're here.

768
00:37:47,022 --> 00:37:51,022
You look like dead Splinter from
<i>Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.</i>

769
00:37:53,022 --> 00:37:55,021
Pete, it's really good
to see you.

770
00:37:55,022 --> 00:37:59,021
<i>50 Shades of Grey</i> was based
on your complexion.

771
00:37:59,022 --> 00:38:03,021
Pete--
[laughs]

772
00:38:03,022 --> 00:38:05,021
Pete is the same race as
whatever the fuck The Rock is

773
00:38:05,022 --> 00:38:09,022
and any parking attendant ever.

774
00:38:11,022 --> 00:38:13,065
Justin Bieber,
the man here, huh?

775
00:38:14,022 --> 00:38:15,021
Let's hear it.

776
00:38:15,022 --> 00:38:18,021
[cheers and applause]

777
00:38:18,022 --> 00:38:20,021
Why are you here?
This is a terrible idea.

778
00:38:20,022 --> 00:38:23,021
You're about to get fucked
harder than Orlando Bloom

779
00:38:23,022 --> 00:38:24,021
fucked Selena Gomez.

780
00:38:24,022 --> 00:38:27,022
(audience)
Oh!

781
00:38:29,022 --> 00:38:31,021
For a guy worth
$200 million,

782
00:38:31,022 --> 00:38:34,022
why do you dress
like Sharon Stone in the '90s?

783
00:38:36,022 --> 00:38:39,021
You look like Sisqo
fucked Peter Pan

784
00:38:39,022 --> 00:38:42,022
and then got cast
on <i>Orange is the New Black.</i>

785
00:38:46,022 --> 00:38:49,021
<i>Baby</i> is the most hated video
online, like, statistically

786
00:38:49,022 --> 00:38:50,021
if you check that shit out,
okay,

787
00:38:50,022 --> 00:38:54,021
and there are also ISIS videos
online, okay?

788
00:38:54,022 --> 00:38:57,021
That means that someone saw
a video with a guy screaming,

789
00:38:57,022 --> 00:39:00,021
"Death to America" and sawing
someone's head off and thought,

790
00:39:00,022 --> 00:39:02,021
"Nope, still not worse
than Bieber featuring Luda

791
00:39:02,022 --> 00:39:04,022
in a bowling alley."

792
00:39:09,022 --> 00:39:10,021
Thank you.

793
00:39:10,022 --> 00:39:13,021
Thank you,
guy half my age.

794
00:39:13,022 --> 00:39:15,022
[laughs]

795
00:39:16,022 --> 00:39:17,021
Seriously, man,
I'm proud of you.

796
00:39:17,022 --> 00:39:19,021
You have it all.

797
00:39:19,022 --> 00:39:21,021
You literally are a guy
who has it all,

798
00:39:21,022 --> 00:39:23,021
except for respect,
love, friends,

799
00:39:23,022 --> 00:39:25,022
good parents,
and a Grammy.

800
00:39:28,022 --> 00:39:30,021
Thank you.

801
00:39:30,022 --> 00:39:32,021
[techno music]

802
00:39:32,022 --> 00:39:35,022
[cheers and applause]

803
00:39:40,022 --> 00:39:42,021
Chris D'Elia.

804
00:39:42,022 --> 00:39:46,021
Goddamn it, Chris,
that was dark.

805
00:39:46,022 --> 00:39:48,021
That was fucking dark.

806
00:39:48,022 --> 00:39:50,021
There was a couple times
where I grabbed my shirt

807
00:39:50,022 --> 00:39:53,021
like, "Jesus Christ, Chris."

808
00:39:53,022 --> 00:39:55,021
But we're here.
It's good though.

809
00:39:55,022 --> 00:39:58,022
Justin said you were fine.
That's all that counts, right?

810
00:40:00,022 --> 00:40:02,021
How am I supposed to laugh
after ISIS?

811
00:40:02,022 --> 00:40:03,022
What the fuck?

812
00:40:06,022 --> 00:40:08,021
Our next roaster
is Martha Stewart.

813
00:40:08,022 --> 00:40:10,021
Martha.
[cheers and applause]

814
00:40:10,022 --> 00:40:14,022
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

815
00:40:14,941 --> 00:40:16,022
At the age of 73,
she's the only white woman

816
00:40:17,022 --> 00:40:19,021
with more street cred
than Luda and Snoop combined.

817
00:40:19,022 --> 00:40:21,021
True story.

818
00:40:21,022 --> 00:40:24,022
Please welcome
five-years-to-life-style guru,

819
00:40:25,022 --> 00:40:26,021
Martha Stewart,
everybody.

820
00:40:26,022 --> 00:40:29,022
[cheers and applause]

821
00:40:34,022 --> 00:40:37,021
First of all,
thank you, Kevin Hart.

822
00:40:37,022 --> 00:40:38,021
It's really great
to be here.

823
00:40:38,022 --> 00:40:40,021
Oh, there you are.

824
00:40:40,022 --> 00:40:42,021
Sitting and listening to you
yell your jokes

825
00:40:42,022 --> 00:40:46,021
over the last hour is
the hardest time I've ever done.

826
00:40:46,022 --> 00:40:49,021
As we all know, Kevin is
one of the biggest movie stars

827
00:40:49,022 --> 00:40:52,021
in the business right now,
and he deserves it.

828
00:40:52,022 --> 00:40:54,021
He struggled for years.

829
00:40:54,022 --> 00:40:57,021
When he finally got
his first big paycheck,

830
00:40:57,022 --> 00:41:01,021
he spent $150,000
on a watch.

831
00:41:01,022 --> 00:41:04,021
I forget that term for that.

832
00:41:04,022 --> 00:41:06,021
It's not
"African-American rich."

833
00:41:06,022 --> 00:41:08,021
It'll come to me.

834
00:41:08,022 --> 00:41:10,022
[cheers and applause]

835
00:41:16,022 --> 00:41:19,021
Justin,
you know the word.

836
00:41:19,022 --> 00:41:21,021
I know you're all wondering
why I'm here tonight.

837
00:41:21,022 --> 00:41:24,021
It's because Martha Stewart
changes people's lives

838
00:41:24,022 --> 00:41:28,021
for the better,
like Shaq for instance.

839
00:41:28,022 --> 00:41:32,021
When Shaq bought his house--
Shaq, are you listening?

840
00:41:32,022 --> 00:41:35,021
I was the first person
he called.

841
00:41:35,022 --> 00:41:38,021
The house had 13 bedrooms,
and I helped convert 8 of them

842
00:41:38,022 --> 00:41:43,021
into refrigerators.

843
00:41:43,022 --> 00:41:46,021
I believe the bedroom
is the most important room

844
00:41:46,022 --> 00:41:49,021
in the house, but I don't
have to tell you that, Ludacris.

845
00:41:49,022 --> 00:41:52,021
You have three kids
with three different women.

846
00:41:52,022 --> 00:41:55,021
May I suggest pulling out
sometime, and finishing

847
00:41:55,022 --> 00:42:00,022
on some fine, highly absorbent
Martha Stewart bed linens?

848
00:42:02,022 --> 00:42:05,022
[cheers and applause]

849
00:42:07,022 --> 00:42:09,021
It's nice to see Snoop again.

850
00:42:09,022 --> 00:42:11,021
One of the highest rated
episodes on my show,

851
00:42:11,022 --> 00:42:14,021
<i>Martha Stewart Living,</i>
was when Snoop and I

852
00:42:14,022 --> 00:42:16,021
made brownies together,

853
00:42:16,022 --> 00:42:19,021
and I've used his recipe
ever since.

854
00:42:19,022 --> 00:42:22,021
As a matter of fact,
I ate three of them

855
00:42:22,022 --> 00:42:27,021
right before they called
and asked me to do this roast.

856
00:42:27,022 --> 00:42:32,021
Snoop, I see that you've been
following my beauty regimen.

857
00:42:32,022 --> 00:42:35,021
You would never know
that Snoop Dogg is 43 now,

858
00:42:35,022 --> 00:42:38,021
which is three times as long
as actual dogs live

859
00:42:38,022 --> 00:42:42,022
and twice as long
as most of his friends.

860
00:42:45,022 --> 00:42:48,021
[laughs]

861
00:42:48,022 --> 00:42:50,021
I taught Snoop
that the most important thing

862
00:42:50,022 --> 00:42:52,021
in business
is diversification.

863
00:42:52,022 --> 00:42:57,021
Besides his music career, Snoop
now has produced a porn movie,

864
00:42:57,022 --> 00:43:00,021
and by the way, Natasha,
you were great in that,

865
00:43:00,022 --> 00:43:03,021
so I guess that tonight's
the second time

866
00:43:03,022 --> 00:43:08,021
you've worked
with five black guys.

867
00:43:08,022 --> 00:43:11,021
You know...

868
00:43:11,022 --> 00:43:15,021
I do a lot of gardening,
but you are without a doubt

869
00:43:15,022 --> 00:43:20,021
the dirtiest, used up ho
I have ever seen.

870
00:43:20,022 --> 00:43:25,021
Natasha, when a woman is
as sexually active as you are,

871
00:43:25,022 --> 00:43:28,021
they have to take special care
of their body.

872
00:43:28,022 --> 00:43:32,021
I've come up with a douche
that no one has ever heard of,

873
00:43:32,022 --> 00:43:36,021
you know,
like Chris D'Elia.

874
00:43:36,022 --> 00:43:38,021
And, Hannibal, all night,
I've been trying to remember

875
00:43:38,022 --> 00:43:40,021
who you remind me of.

876
00:43:40,022 --> 00:43:42,021
Then it hit me.
You look just like

877
00:43:42,022 --> 00:43:46,022
that gingerbread man
I left in the oven too long.

878
00:43:53,022 --> 00:43:55,021
Let's get to the reason
I'm here tonight,

879
00:43:55,022 --> 00:43:59,021
which is to give Justin Bieber
some tips to use

880
00:43:59,022 --> 00:44:04,021
when he inevitably
ends up in prison.

881
00:44:04,022 --> 00:44:07,021
I've been in lockup,
and you wouldn't last a week,

882
00:44:07,022 --> 00:44:08,021
so pay attention.

883
00:44:08,022 --> 00:44:11,021
The first thing you'll need
is a shank.

884
00:44:11,022 --> 00:44:14,021
I made mine
out of a pintail comb

885
00:44:14,022 --> 00:44:17,021
and a pack of gum.

886
00:44:17,022 --> 00:44:22,021
I'll show you how later.
It's so simple.

887
00:44:22,022 --> 00:44:28,021
I found Bubblicious works best,
and it's so much fun to say.

888
00:44:28,022 --> 00:44:29,440
You see,
when I did my stretch,

889
00:44:30,022 --> 00:44:32,021
all the hood rats
on my cellblock

890
00:44:32,022 --> 00:44:35,021
wanted to break off a piece
of Martha Stewart's ass,

891
00:44:35,022 --> 00:44:40,021
so I decided some bitch
needed to get got.

892
00:44:40,022 --> 00:44:42,021
I walked
into the chow hall,

893
00:44:42,022 --> 00:44:44,021
picked out
the biggest bull dyke,

894
00:44:44,022 --> 00:44:47,021
and I stuck her.
From then on,

895
00:44:47,022 --> 00:44:52,021
prison was easier than making
blueberry scones.

896
00:44:52,022 --> 00:44:55,148
[cheers and applause]

897
00:44:56,022 --> 00:44:59,021
And--[laughs]

898
00:44:59,022 --> 00:45:02,021
And Shaq--

899
00:45:02,022 --> 00:45:06,022
Shaq, I hope your mom doesn't
still hold a grudge.

900
00:45:10,022 --> 00:45:15,021
Justin, before I go,
here's my final piece of advice.

901
00:45:15,022 --> 00:45:16,021
You need to settle down,

902
00:45:16,022 --> 00:45:19,021
bring some balance
into your life,

903
00:45:19,022 --> 00:45:21,021
find yourself the right gal,

904
00:45:21,022 --> 00:45:22,021
but she'll have to be someone
on your level,

905
00:45:22,022 --> 00:45:26,021
someone powerful and famous
and rich,

906
00:45:26,022 --> 00:45:28,021
someone you can smoke a joint
with or indulge

907
00:45:28,022 --> 00:45:30,021
in the occasional three-way.

908
00:45:30,022 --> 00:45:33,021
I'm talking about a "playa"
in the boardroom

909
00:45:33,022 --> 00:45:35,398
and a freak in the bedroom.

910
00:45:36,022 --> 00:45:41,021
So, Justin, my final piece
of advice is call me, or--

911
00:45:41,022 --> 00:45:43,021
[cheers and applause]

912
00:45:43,022 --> 00:45:47,021
Or not.
I'm out, bitch.

913
00:45:47,022 --> 00:45:49,021
[techno music]

914
00:45:49,022 --> 00:45:53,021
[cheers and applause]

915
00:45:53,022 --> 00:45:55,021
(announcer)
Still to come, Jeff Ross...

916
00:45:55,022 --> 00:45:57,021
Killer.
The killer.

917
00:45:57,022 --> 00:45:58,022
(announcer)
And Snoop Dogg.

918
00:45:59,022 --> 00:46:00,021
I'm going bodyguard hard, man.

919
00:46:00,022 --> 00:46:02,021
I ain't fixin'
to play no games, man.

920
00:46:02,022 --> 00:46:04,522
(announcer)
When <i>The Roast</i>
<i>of Justin Bieber</i> continues.

921
00:46:05,571 --> 00:46:08,527
[techno music]

922
00:46:08,528 --> 00:46:11,527
All right.
Martha Stewart, Goddamn.

923
00:46:11,528 --> 00:46:15,527
[cheers and applause]

924
00:46:15,528 --> 00:46:18,527
Our next roaster
is Jeff Ross.

925
00:46:18,528 --> 00:46:21,527
Now...

926
00:46:21,528 --> 00:46:23,527
I actually gave Jeff a role
in my movie <i>The Wedding Ringer,</i>

927
00:46:23,528 --> 00:46:25,527
and he doubled the budget
because he demanded

928
00:46:25,528 --> 00:46:27,527
to be paid in cake.

929
00:46:27,528 --> 00:46:30,527
Right now, I want everybody
to pull out a bucket of fish

930
00:46:30,528 --> 00:46:34,527
for the roastmaster himself,
Jeff Ross, everybody.

931
00:46:34,528 --> 00:46:37,528
[cheers and applause]

932
00:46:45,528 --> 00:46:46,904
How cool is this?

933
00:46:47,528 --> 00:46:49,527
Give it up for the Biebs,
doing great so far.

934
00:46:49,528 --> 00:46:51,527
[cheers and applause]

935
00:46:51,528 --> 00:46:54,527
Fantastic.
This is so fun.

936
00:46:54,528 --> 00:46:56,528
I never roasted somebody
with a bedtime before.

937
00:46:59,528 --> 00:47:02,527
I got to give you props,
asking us to roast you.

938
00:47:02,528 --> 00:47:04,527
Ballsy move, dude,
especially since you haven't

939
00:47:04,528 --> 00:47:07,527
put out an album
in three years.

940
00:47:07,528 --> 00:47:09,527
Come on, Biebs, what are you
doing with your life?

941
00:47:09,528 --> 00:47:11,527
If you listen closely,
you can hear the sound

942
00:47:11,528 --> 00:47:14,528
of One Direction
fucking your fans.

943
00:47:17,528 --> 00:47:18,527
A lot of Beliebers
are upset

944
00:47:18,528 --> 00:47:21,527
that Justin's
never won a Grammy.

945
00:47:21,528 --> 00:47:24,528
Well, there's Martha Stewart.
She can be your Grammy.

946
00:47:27,528 --> 00:47:29,527
Martha Stewart's here
because Paula Deen

947
00:47:29,528 --> 00:47:32,527
refused to sit
with this many black folk.

948
00:47:32,528 --> 00:47:37,528
What is this, the Comedy Central
March on Ferguson?

949
00:47:41,528 --> 00:47:46,527
Martha, I want to fuck you
so bad.

950
00:47:46,528 --> 00:47:49,528
I bet your pubic hair
is 50 shades of gray.

951
00:47:52,863 --> 00:47:55,527
Martha went to prison
for dumping worthless stock

952
00:47:55,528 --> 00:47:58,527
for idiot consumers to buy,
which reminds me,

953
00:47:58,528 --> 00:48:00,528
Ludacris' new album
drops tomorrow.

954
00:48:03,528 --> 00:48:06,527
But enough about Ludacris,
let's talk about "food-acris,"

955
00:48:06,528 --> 00:48:07,528
Shaquille O'Neal.

956
00:48:09,528 --> 00:48:13,527
Shaq.
[growls]

957
00:48:13,528 --> 00:48:15,527
[growls]

958
00:48:15,528 --> 00:48:19,527
Shaq.
[growls]

959
00:48:19,528 --> 00:48:23,527
I like to talk to him
in his native tongue.

960
00:48:23,528 --> 00:48:25,527
Shaq was the original
2 Chainz,

961
00:48:25,528 --> 00:48:28,528
'cause that's how he was brought
into this country.

962
00:48:35,528 --> 00:48:39,528
Shaq's dick is so big,
he uses it as a selfie stick.

963
00:48:43,528 --> 00:48:44,527
Love you, Kev.
You're doing

964
00:48:44,528 --> 00:48:46,527
a hell of a job
as the host tonight, man.

965
00:48:46,528 --> 00:48:49,527
I really appreciate
how funny you are.

966
00:48:49,528 --> 00:48:50,527
I really do.

967
00:48:50,528 --> 00:48:53,527
[cheers and applause]

968
00:48:53,528 --> 00:48:56,527
Kevin's a big star now,
but he doesn't need private jets

969
00:48:56,528 --> 00:49:00,528
'cause he likes to be
shot out of a cannon.

970
00:49:00,904 --> 00:49:03,527
Kev, we've been friends
a long time.

971
00:49:03,528 --> 00:49:04,527
I want to congratulate you.

972
00:49:04,528 --> 00:49:07,527
I hear your girlfriend recently
got down on one knee

973
00:49:07,528 --> 00:49:09,238
so you could propose, and--

974
00:49:11,528 --> 00:49:13,528
How do y'all make love,
puppy style?

975
00:49:17,528 --> 00:49:19,527
Chris D'Elia's here.
Chris, how you doing, man?

976
00:49:19,528 --> 00:49:21,527
Chris is here
because he's

977
00:49:21,528 --> 00:49:23,527
Justin Bieber's
favorite comedian.

978
00:49:23,528 --> 00:49:27,527
Wow, what an endorsement.

979
00:49:27,528 --> 00:49:30,528
That's like being Shaq's
favorite poet.

980
00:49:35,528 --> 00:49:37,527
[laughs]

981
00:49:37,528 --> 00:49:42,238
Snoop, love you, buddy.
Love you, man, so much.

982
00:49:42,528 --> 00:49:45,528
You look like a retired
WNBA player.

983
00:49:50,528 --> 00:49:53,527
The only person that's inhaled
more smoke than Snoop

984
00:49:53,528 --> 00:49:57,528
is Pete Davidson's dad
inside the World Trade Center.

985
00:49:58,528 --> 00:50:01,527
Thanks, Pete.
I'm sorry, Shaq.

986
00:50:01,528 --> 00:50:05,528
I know that was your favorite
building to climb.

987
00:50:08,528 --> 00:50:10,527
Shaq, [growls]
Never forget.

988
00:50:10,528 --> 00:50:11,528
[growls]

989
00:50:15,528 --> 00:50:17,527
Oh, this is so much fun.

990
00:50:17,528 --> 00:50:19,527
I gotta give a shout-out to
one of my favorite people ever,

991
00:50:19,528 --> 00:50:21,527
Dave Chappelle over there.
What's up, dude?

992
00:50:21,528 --> 00:50:24,527
Don't be scared.
Watching the roast.

993
00:50:24,528 --> 00:50:27,527
Super big comedy fan,
my friend.

994
00:50:27,528 --> 00:50:30,527
[loud cheering]
One of the greats.

995
00:50:30,528 --> 00:50:32,527
Love you, buddy.

996
00:50:32,528 --> 00:50:34,527
Thank you for flying in
from South Africa

997
00:50:34,528 --> 00:50:36,528
to be with us tonight.

998
00:50:38,528 --> 00:50:40,527
Justin, I feel like
I'm roasting you

999
00:50:40,528 --> 00:50:42,527
for the entire world tonight.

1000
00:50:42,528 --> 00:50:45,527
The roast fans really
want blood this time,

1001
00:50:45,528 --> 00:50:46,527
even though
most of your fans

1002
00:50:46,528 --> 00:50:49,528
haven't even gotten
their periods yet.

1003
00:50:50,280 --> 00:50:53,405
But if you can take a joke,
then so can the Beliebers

1004
00:50:53,528 --> 00:50:54,527
watching tonight,
because face it, Biebs,

1005
00:50:54,528 --> 00:50:58,527
you've become
a cocky little shit.

1006
00:50:58,528 --> 00:51:01,527
You are the King Joffrey
of pop.

1007
00:51:01,528 --> 00:51:04,528
[cheers and applause]

1008
00:51:07,528 --> 00:51:10,528
What's your rap name,
Feminem?

1009
00:51:12,528 --> 00:51:16,528
Selena Gomez wanted to be here,
but she's dating men now.

1010
00:51:19,528 --> 00:51:21,527
Is it true you dumped her
because she grew a moustache

1011
00:51:21,528 --> 00:51:24,321
before you?

1012
00:51:24,528 --> 00:51:28,488
That's right, Selena Gomez
used to bang this guy,

1013
00:51:28,528 --> 00:51:30,527
proving once again
that Mexicans will do

1014
00:51:30,528 --> 00:51:34,527
the disgusting jobs
Americans just won't do.

1015
00:51:34,528 --> 00:51:39,528
U-S-A! U-S-A!
U-S-A! U-S--

1016
00:51:41,528 --> 00:51:43,527
Now there are rumors
going around

1017
00:51:43,528 --> 00:51:45,527
you might have been dating
Kendall Jenner.

1018
00:51:45,528 --> 00:51:47,527
Hi, Kendall.
How you doing, doll?

1019
00:51:47,528 --> 00:51:50,527
You having fun?
That's good.

1020
00:51:50,528 --> 00:51:53,528
What dating site did you two
meet on, O-K Stupid?

1021
00:51:56,528 --> 00:52:00,528
Anyway, Biebs, you have
such a huge career behind you.

1022
00:52:05,528 --> 00:52:06,527
But lately, a lot of people
have been pointing

1023
00:52:06,528 --> 00:52:08,527
their fingers at you,

1024
00:52:08,528 --> 00:52:10,527
and those are just lesbians
showing the barber

1025
00:52:10,528 --> 00:52:12,528
how they want their hair cut.

1026
00:52:16,528 --> 00:52:18,527
Even when you went
to Anne Frank's house,

1027
00:52:18,528 --> 00:52:21,527
there were fans waiting
for you outside.

1028
00:52:21,528 --> 00:52:22,527
I wish they were
the same people

1029
00:52:22,528 --> 00:52:25,528
that were waiting
for Anne Frank.

1030
00:52:26,528 --> 00:52:28,527
Oh, come on!

1031
00:52:28,528 --> 00:52:29,527
You said Anne Frank
would've been a Bieblier.

1032
00:52:29,528 --> 00:52:31,527
If Anne Frank
heard your music,

1033
00:52:31,528 --> 00:52:33,528
she would've Ubered
to Auschwitz.

1034
00:52:40,528 --> 00:52:42,527
And, Biebs, we've all seen
your sexy underwear commercials,

1035
00:52:42,528 --> 00:52:44,527
and don't worry,
you're not the first youngster

1036
00:52:44,528 --> 00:52:48,528
to have Calvin Klein
wedged in your asshole.

1037
00:52:50,528 --> 00:52:51,821
But you know what?

1038
00:52:52,528 --> 00:52:54,527
The best part
about taking Justin from behind

1039
00:52:54,528 --> 00:52:56,527
is that you can shave
half his head

1040
00:52:56,528 --> 00:52:58,528
and pretend
it's Miley Cyrus.

1041
00:53:01,528 --> 00:53:04,527
You like that one?

1042
00:53:04,528 --> 00:53:05,527
Justin's ass
is like a movie ticket,

1043
00:53:05,528 --> 00:53:08,527
'cause it was ripped apart
by an "usher."

1044
00:53:08,528 --> 00:53:10,528
[audience groans]

1045
00:53:12,528 --> 00:53:15,527
And as you sat here
taking it like a man tonight,

1046
00:53:15,528 --> 00:53:17,527
you were probably thinking
that none of us know

1047
00:53:17,528 --> 00:53:19,527
what we're talking about,
'cause you're gonna fly

1048
00:53:19,528 --> 00:53:22,527
out of here on a private jet
full of cash and models,

1049
00:53:22,528 --> 00:53:24,821
and we'll all be trying
to finger-bang Martha Stewart

1050
00:53:25,528 --> 00:53:26,528
at the afterparty.

1051
00:53:29,528 --> 00:53:30,527
And you know what, Biebs,
you're right.

1052
00:53:30,528 --> 00:53:34,527
You're young, you're talented,
you're famous,

1053
00:53:34,528 --> 00:53:36,527
and that can be
a lot of pressure,

1054
00:53:36,528 --> 00:53:39,527
but you're a smart man
with a good heart,

1055
00:53:39,528 --> 00:53:41,527
and I know
you'll never end up

1056
00:53:41,528 --> 00:53:45,527
like Kurt Cobain
or Amy Winehouse...

1057
00:53:45,528 --> 00:53:48,527
respected.

1058
00:53:48,528 --> 00:53:50,527
Happy birthday, buddy.

1059
00:53:50,528 --> 00:53:53,527
[techno music]

1060
00:53:53,528 --> 00:53:54,527
Good show, buddy.

1061
00:53:54,528 --> 00:53:57,527
(announcer)
Coming up...Snoop Dogg...

1062
00:53:57,528 --> 00:53:59,527
- Hannibal Buress.
- I hate everybody.

1063
00:53:59,528 --> 00:54:01,527
(announcer)
And Justin Bieber

1064
00:54:01,528 --> 00:54:04,528
when the <i>Comedy Central Roast</i>
<i>of Justin Bieber</i> continues.

1065
00:54:10,574 --> 00:54:13,573
[techno music]

1066
00:54:13,574 --> 00:54:14,573
[cheers and applause]

1067
00:54:14,574 --> 00:54:16,573
Are we having a good time
tonight? Yes?

1068
00:54:16,574 --> 00:54:18,573
[cheers and applause]

1069
00:54:18,574 --> 00:54:22,573
Our next roaster is Snoop.
Yeah, he's here.

1070
00:54:22,574 --> 00:54:24,573
Yeah.
Yeah.

1071
00:54:24,574 --> 00:54:29,573
You know, Snoop used to
call himself the "D-O-double-G."

1072
00:54:29,574 --> 00:54:31,573
That's right, The Dogg.

1073
00:54:31,574 --> 00:54:33,573
Right, Snoop?

1074
00:54:33,574 --> 00:54:34,573
Back in the day, the reason why
he called himself The Dogg.

1075
00:54:34,574 --> 00:54:36,573
is because he was a dog
with the ladies.

1076
00:54:36,574 --> 00:54:37,573
It's true.

1077
00:54:37,574 --> 00:54:40,573
Now he's called The Dogg
because he sleeps all day

1078
00:54:40,574 --> 00:54:42,573
in a sun spot
on the living room floor.

1079
00:54:42,574 --> 00:54:45,573
Isn't that true?
That's true, Snoop.

1080
00:54:45,574 --> 00:54:47,573
Ladies and gentlemen,
make some noise

1081
00:54:47,574 --> 00:54:49,573
for Snoop Dogg right now.

1082
00:54:49,574 --> 00:54:50,573
[Snoop Dogg's <i>Peaches 'N Cream]</i>

1083
00:54:50,574 --> 00:54:52,574
♪ That's that look
all on her face ♪

1084
00:54:53,201 --> 00:54:57,573
♪ Shorty dancing like she knows
She's the baddest in the place ♪

1085
00:54:57,574 --> 00:54:58,573
Kevin, you look good
tonight, dog.

1086
00:54:58,574 --> 00:55:01,574
Some real shit, nephew.
You look real good.

1087
00:55:04,574 --> 00:55:06,573
I didn't know
the Muppets made

1088
00:55:06,574 --> 00:55:10,573
motherfucking clothes
for a nigger though.

1089
00:55:10,574 --> 00:55:12,573
Yes, sir.
Now, look,

1090
00:55:12,574 --> 00:55:16,573
Kevin's from Philadelphia,
right, just like Bill Cosby.

1091
00:55:16,574 --> 00:55:18,573
And just like Bill Cosby,

1092
00:55:18,574 --> 00:55:22,573
women can't tell
when Kevin's inside of them.

1093
00:55:22,574 --> 00:55:26,573
[crowd groans]

1094
00:55:26,574 --> 00:55:28,573
Yeah.
I don't need no warm-up.

1095
00:55:28,574 --> 00:55:32,409
I've been smoking and drinking.
I feel real good about myself.

1096
00:55:32,574 --> 00:55:33,573
[cheers and applause]

1097
00:55:33,574 --> 00:55:38,573
Yes, sir.

1098
00:55:38,574 --> 00:55:41,573
Now, check this out, I done
a whole bunch of roasts, right,

1099
00:55:41,574 --> 00:55:45,573
but they never let a real player
on stage with me until tonight.

1100
00:55:45,574 --> 00:55:49,573
We got Ludacris
in the motherfucking house.

1101
00:55:49,574 --> 00:55:52,573
Luda.
Luda!

1102
00:55:52,574 --> 00:55:55,573
I love that song of yours
where you said,

1103
00:55:55,574 --> 00:55:58,573
♪ If you a pimp and you know it
You don't love them hos ♪

1104
00:55:58,574 --> 00:56:01,573
That shit was tight.

1105
00:56:01,574 --> 00:56:04,573
But you know who else said
that that was tight?

1106
00:56:04,574 --> 00:56:05,573
Me, 15 years
before you did it,

1107
00:56:05,574 --> 00:56:10,573
nigger,
stop biting my shit.

1108
00:56:10,574 --> 00:56:15,573
But here's one of Ludacris'
original rhymes.

1109
00:56:15,574 --> 00:56:18,573
"There's hos in the room.
There's hos in the car.

1110
00:56:18,574 --> 00:56:23,573
There's hos on the stage.
There's hos by the bar."

1111
00:56:23,574 --> 00:56:26,574
Nigger, are you a rapper
or Dr. Seuss?

1112
00:56:33,574 --> 00:56:37,573
Now, this little bitty
fine little...

1113
00:56:37,574 --> 00:56:41,573
Natasha Leggero.

1114
00:56:41,574 --> 00:56:43,573
Is that how you say it,
"Leg-gero"?

1115
00:56:43,574 --> 00:56:45,573
- No, but that's okay.
- Le-ghetto.

1116
00:56:45,574 --> 00:56:47,573
That's how we say it.

1117
00:56:47,574 --> 00:56:51,573
I seen how you was looking at me
though, right?

1118
00:56:51,574 --> 00:56:52,573
What I want to know is

1119
00:56:52,574 --> 00:56:58,573
have you ever sucked
a black dick before?

1120
00:56:58,574 --> 00:57:00,573
Hey, I'm going off script
right now.

1121
00:57:00,574 --> 00:57:03,573
I just really want to know.

1122
00:57:03,574 --> 00:57:04,573
Hey.

1123
00:57:04,574 --> 00:57:06,573
Hey, something
about this pimping, man.

1124
00:57:06,574 --> 00:57:07,573
You understand me?
When I'm pimping, man,

1125
00:57:07,574 --> 00:57:11,573
that shit just go
every direction.

1126
00:57:11,574 --> 00:57:16,573
But let me talk about my homeboy
right here, Shaquille O'Neal.

1127
00:57:16,574 --> 00:57:18,573
Shaq Daddy.

1128
00:57:18,574 --> 00:57:22,573
I always say that Shaq is
the greatest Laker of all time,

1129
00:57:22,574 --> 00:57:26,574
unless I'm chilling
with Kobe Bryant.

1130
00:57:26,658 --> 00:57:29,574
Ohhh!

1131
00:57:37,574 --> 00:57:41,574
Y'all got to excuse my little
retarded cousin right there.

1132
00:57:45,574 --> 00:57:46,573
Somebody get
his little helmet

1133
00:57:46,574 --> 00:57:50,573
and get that little yellow bus
around the side.

1134
00:57:50,574 --> 00:57:52,574
Hannibal Buress.

1135
00:57:53,574 --> 00:57:57,574
You the only Bill Cosby accuser
making money off of it.

1136
00:58:00,574 --> 00:58:04,573
Now, Jeff Ross,
check this out, Jeff.

1137
00:58:04,574 --> 00:58:08,573
Now, see, Jeff is what you call
a throwback,

1138
00:58:08,574 --> 00:58:09,573
because his face looks
like something

1139
00:58:09,574 --> 00:58:13,573
that you could have
a hook in it.

1140
00:58:13,574 --> 00:58:17,573
That's right,
that's a fishing joke.

1141
00:58:17,574 --> 00:58:20,573
I fish, motherfucker.

1142
00:58:20,574 --> 00:58:22,573
[cheers and applause]

1143
00:58:22,574 --> 00:58:23,573
Yeah, dog!

1144
00:58:23,574 --> 00:58:25,573
Now that I've done said
what I needed to say

1145
00:58:25,574 --> 00:58:28,573
about all the rest of these hos
and bitches up on the stage,

1146
00:58:28,574 --> 00:58:30,573
it's time to talk
about the bitch of the hour,

1147
00:58:30,574 --> 00:58:33,658
Justin "Leave it to" Bieber.

1148
00:58:34,574 --> 00:58:35,573
[cheers and applause]

1149
00:58:35,574 --> 00:58:38,573
Justin's life changed when Usher
heard one of his songs

1150
00:58:38,574 --> 00:58:41,573
and liked it,
which only goes to prove

1151
00:58:41,574 --> 00:58:45,573
that Usher ain't black.

1152
00:58:45,574 --> 00:58:48,573
Now, Justin, you released

1153
00:58:48,574 --> 00:58:51,573
so many horrible
and unwatchable videos,

1154
00:58:51,574 --> 00:58:54,573
you should change your name
to Vanilla ISIS.

1155
00:58:54,574 --> 00:58:56,573
[crowd groans]

1156
00:58:56,574 --> 00:58:57,573
No, no, no.
Real shit though.

1157
00:58:57,574 --> 00:58:59,573
- Oh, shit.
- Real shit.

1158
00:58:59,574 --> 00:59:00,573
This is my nigger
right here, nigger.

1159
00:59:00,574 --> 00:59:02,573
Hold on, nigger,
this my nigger.

1160
00:59:02,574 --> 00:59:04,573
Nigger, this my nigger.

1161
00:59:04,574 --> 00:59:05,573
Nigger,
you had your shot, nigger.

1162
00:59:05,574 --> 00:59:08,573
This is my nigger
right here, nigger.

1163
00:59:08,574 --> 00:59:09,573
Nigger.

1164
00:59:09,574 --> 00:59:15,573
Goddamn, nigger, nigger,
nigger, nigger, nigger.

1165
00:59:15,574 --> 00:59:18,573
Now, most niggers,
like myself,

1166
00:59:18,574 --> 00:59:21,573
we go a little crazy
when we get famous.

1167
00:59:21,574 --> 00:59:25,573
Buy some dope cars,
fuck some bad bitches,

1168
00:59:25,574 --> 00:59:29,573
but, nigger,
you bought a monkey.

1169
00:59:29,574 --> 00:59:33,573
I mean, that monkey
was more embarrassed

1170
00:59:33,574 --> 00:59:38,573
than the one that started
the AIDS epidemic.

1171
00:59:38,574 --> 00:59:40,573
Now, when J-Bird
got arrested,

1172
00:59:40,574 --> 00:59:43,573
he had a big smile
in his mug shot.

1173
00:59:43,574 --> 00:59:49,573
Not because he gangster, because
he knows what goes on in jail.

1174
00:59:49,574 --> 00:59:53,573
Now, Justin,
you so motherfucking pretty,

1175
00:59:53,574 --> 00:59:56,573
when the inmates
saw your mug shot,

1176
00:59:56,574 --> 00:59:59,573
they swiped right.

1177
00:59:59,574 --> 01:00:01,573
Let me say this
to you, J.B.

1178
01:00:01,574 --> 01:00:06,573
Justin Bieber, D-M-B,
"damn near black."

1179
01:00:06,574 --> 01:00:09,574
Now see, black people, we
normally hate when white people

1180
01:00:10,574 --> 01:00:12,573
try to steal our culture
and be like us,

1181
01:00:12,574 --> 01:00:15,573
minus the discrimination,
police brutality,

1182
01:00:15,574 --> 01:00:16,784
and the marching and shit.

1183
01:00:17,574 --> 01:00:19,573
That was until Justin Bieber
came along.

1184
01:00:19,574 --> 01:00:21,573
We don't mind him
smoking weed in public

1185
01:00:21,574 --> 01:00:24,573
while sagging in the club,
pissing in the mop bucket,

1186
01:00:24,574 --> 01:00:26,573
drunk driving,
living in a mansion

1187
01:00:26,574 --> 01:00:28,573
while playing loud music
and hating the neighbors

1188
01:00:28,574 --> 01:00:30,573
for not welcoming change.

1189
01:00:30,574 --> 01:00:33,573
Welcome to the family,
my nigger.

1190
01:00:33,574 --> 01:00:37,573
[cheers and applause]
♪ She 'bout to go in

1191
01:00:37,574 --> 01:00:42,573
♪ She likes that low end

1192
01:00:42,574 --> 01:00:43,573
♪ Damn, her ass is so big

1193
01:00:43,574 --> 01:00:46,573
That was Snoop Dogg,
everybody.

1194
01:00:46,574 --> 01:00:49,573
I just want to--You know, I just
want to take a second right now

1195
01:00:49,574 --> 01:00:51,573
to speak on behalf
of all the black people.

1196
01:00:51,574 --> 01:00:53,573
I don't--I don't know
how many niggers

1197
01:00:53,574 --> 01:00:55,573
we were allowed to say
in this show,

1198
01:00:55,574 --> 01:00:59,573
but I think--I definitely
think Snoop used them all.

1199
01:00:59,574 --> 01:01:02,573
Like, we're done.
Like, we're done.

1200
01:01:02,574 --> 01:01:06,573
Like, dude, we had, like, ten.
They gave us ten.

1201
01:01:06,574 --> 01:01:08,573
You used them all,
and then you blamed us.

1202
01:01:08,574 --> 01:01:10,573
You was like, "Yo, they got us
drinking and smoking."

1203
01:01:10,574 --> 01:01:13,573
No, we don't.
That's you.

1204
01:01:13,574 --> 01:01:15,573
It's just you.
You.

1205
01:01:15,574 --> 01:01:18,573
You did that.
Don't do that to us.

1206
01:01:18,574 --> 01:01:22,573
I want Snoop removed.

1207
01:01:22,574 --> 01:01:24,573
Like, if this was the block,
I would snitch.

1208
01:01:24,574 --> 01:01:28,573
It was him.
He did it.

1209
01:01:28,574 --> 01:01:29,573
He said we all doing drugs.

1210
01:01:29,574 --> 01:01:31,573
We drinking and smoking
back there.

1211
01:01:31,574 --> 01:01:34,573
No, we're not.
It's just you!

1212
01:01:34,574 --> 01:01:37,573
Fuck you.
Fuck you, Snoop.

1213
01:01:37,574 --> 01:01:40,573
I didn't do nothing.

1214
01:01:40,574 --> 01:01:42,573
You tried to ruin me tonight,
you son of a bitch.

1215
01:01:42,574 --> 01:01:45,573
You tried to--You tried to make
it a group black thing.

1216
01:01:45,574 --> 01:01:46,573
That's what you tried to do.

1217
01:01:46,574 --> 01:01:48,573
"All us niggers
up here."

1218
01:01:48,574 --> 01:01:53,658
No, it's not.
No, it's not.

1219
01:01:54,574 --> 01:01:57,573
[techno music]

1220
01:01:57,574 --> 01:01:58,573
She's worried
about her lipstick.

1221
01:01:58,574 --> 01:02:00,573
- Let me--
- Shut up.

1222
01:02:00,574 --> 01:02:01,573
- Let me check it out for her.
- [laughing]

1223
01:02:01,574 --> 01:02:03,573
(announcer)
Still to come: Justin Bieber,

1224
01:02:03,574 --> 01:02:04,573
and Hannibal Buress.

1225
01:02:04,574 --> 01:02:05,573
You're getting it.
Brrr!

1226
01:02:05,574 --> 01:02:07,573
(announcer)
When the <i>Comedy Central Roast</i>

1227
01:02:07,574 --> 01:02:08,574
<i>of Justin Bieber</i> continues.

1228
01:02:09,284 --> 01:02:10,573
This is something
that I really enjoy,

1229
01:02:10,574 --> 01:02:11,573
and I want to be
invited back.

1230
01:02:11,574 --> 01:02:13,574
I love the roasts.

1231
01:02:18,443 --> 01:02:22,399
- Yeah!
[techno music]

1232
01:02:22,400 --> 01:02:25,399
♪

1233
01:02:25,400 --> 01:02:27,399
Hannibal Buress is up next,

1234
01:02:27,400 --> 01:02:31,399
ladies and gentlemen.

1235
01:02:31,400 --> 01:02:32,399
I'm a fan.
I love Hannibal.

1236
01:02:32,400 --> 01:02:33,399
I really do.

1237
01:02:33,400 --> 01:02:35,399
We know why he's here,
okay,

1238
01:02:35,400 --> 01:02:40,319
'cause he's not happy just
destroying my childhood hero.

1239
01:02:42,400 --> 01:02:44,399
That's not--that doesn't
make him feel good enough.

1240
01:02:44,400 --> 01:02:47,399
No, no, no.
He's here to destroy my

1241
01:02:47,400 --> 01:02:51,399
daughter's childhood hero
as well.

1242
01:02:51,400 --> 01:02:55,399
I want you guys to please
welcome the man who's so slow

1243
01:02:55,400 --> 01:03:01,399
and drowsy that you think that
Bill Cosby drugged him.

1244
01:03:01,400 --> 01:03:03,399
I'm talking about Hannibal
Buress, ladies and gentlemen.

1245
01:03:03,400 --> 01:03:05,399
Hannibal Buress.

1246
01:03:05,400 --> 01:03:09,399
[hip-hop music]

1247
01:03:09,400 --> 01:03:11,399
What's up?
Hello.

1248
01:03:11,400 --> 01:03:12,399
Kevin Hart, everybody.

1249
01:03:12,400 --> 01:03:16,399
Kevin Hart.

1250
01:03:16,400 --> 01:03:18,399
Congrats on all your success,
Kevin.

1251
01:03:18,400 --> 01:03:21,400
I'm sure it's gonna last
forever.

1252
01:03:25,400 --> 01:03:28,399
It's amazing to have Kevin Hart
and Shaq here.

1253
01:03:28,400 --> 01:03:32,400
Is this a roast or is this <i>Tyler</i>
<i>Perry's Of Mice and Men?</i>

1254
01:03:37,400 --> 01:03:39,399
Shaq's a very unique player
in NBA history.

1255
01:03:39,400 --> 01:03:43,399
He's the first player in NBA
history to have his shoe size,

1256
01:03:43,400 --> 01:03:49,399
IQ, and jersey all be
the same number.

1257
01:03:49,400 --> 01:03:52,399
Shaq is a police officer
in Florida.

1258
01:03:52,400 --> 01:03:56,399
If you want to escape from Shaq,
just jog slowly away from him

1259
01:03:56,400 --> 01:03:58,399
'cause that's--

1260
01:03:58,400 --> 01:04:02,399
And he'll fall eventually.

1261
01:04:02,400 --> 01:04:04,399
Snoop is here.
Snoop Dogg.

1262
01:04:04,400 --> 01:04:06,399
Snoop D-O-double-G.

1263
01:04:06,400 --> 01:04:10,400
Snoop is like a cool-ass
salamander.

1264
01:04:10,943 --> 01:04:16,399
Snoop's like a rejected
<i>Mortal Kombat</i> boss.

1265
01:04:16,400 --> 01:04:19,400
"Now you have to fight
fake Crip."

1266
01:04:24,400 --> 01:04:28,399
Snoop is good at social media,
but he's bad at music now.

1267
01:04:28,400 --> 01:04:31,399
Snoop, the only way you'll get
another hit is if you stand

1268
01:04:31,400 --> 01:04:34,400
behind Suge Knight's car
in a parking lot.

1269
01:04:37,400 --> 01:04:38,399
Chris--I don't know if
you know this about Chris.

1270
01:04:38,400 --> 01:04:40,399
He doesn't smoke weed.

1271
01:04:40,400 --> 01:04:41,399
He doesn't drink.
He's never done any drugs.

1272
01:04:41,400 --> 01:04:46,399
His only vice is performing
horrible standup comedy

1273
01:04:46,400 --> 01:04:48,400
all around the country.

1274
01:04:49,152 --> 01:04:50,399
Speaking of horrible comics,
Jeff Ross is here.

1275
01:04:50,400 --> 01:04:54,399
Jeff Ross.
Jeff, you look horrible.

1276
01:04:54,400 --> 01:05:00,399
Jeff looks like a combination of
every "before" picture ever.

1277
01:05:00,400 --> 01:05:02,399
Jeff only does roasts.

1278
01:05:02,400 --> 01:05:04,399
Congratulations on being the
only person on this stage

1279
01:05:04,400 --> 01:05:06,400
that's making 95%
of your yearly income today.

1280
01:05:10,400 --> 01:05:13,399
It's good to see Comedy Central
diversifying its talent

1281
01:05:13,400 --> 01:05:17,399
with whatever race
Pete Davidson is.

1282
01:05:17,400 --> 01:05:19,399
You just look real--
You're just real vague, man.

1283
01:05:19,400 --> 01:05:23,399
You have a weird, vague-ass
face, and I don't like it.

1284
01:05:23,400 --> 01:05:25,399
I don't like
your face at all, man.

1285
01:05:25,400 --> 01:05:27,399
You seem like a nice person,
but when I talk to you,

1286
01:05:27,400 --> 01:05:31,399
I don't have fun.

1287
01:05:31,400 --> 01:05:33,399
Pete.
Pete has got a lot going on.

1288
01:05:33,400 --> 01:05:35,399
Pete, I don't know how you can
juggle <i>SNL,</i> standup,

1289
01:05:35,400 --> 01:05:37,399
and Lorne Michaels' balls
in your mouth

1290
01:05:37,400 --> 01:05:39,399
all at the same time.

1291
01:05:39,400 --> 01:05:44,400
An amazing multi-tasker
Pete Davidson is.

1292
01:05:44,693 --> 01:05:48,399
Natasha Leggero is here
which means that right now

1293
01:05:48,400 --> 01:05:49,399
there's a bachelor party
discovering

1294
01:05:49,400 --> 01:05:53,027
that their cake is empty.

1295
01:05:53,400 --> 01:05:55,110
I'm not saying that
Natasha's a whore,

1296
01:05:55,400 --> 01:05:58,400
but I'm saying that Shaq can fit
both feet in her pussy.

1297
01:06:03,400 --> 01:06:04,399
And now the man of the hour.

1298
01:06:04,400 --> 01:06:08,399
Justin Bieber,
you dainty wigger, you.

1299
01:06:08,400 --> 01:06:09,399
Justin Bieber.
They say that you roast

1300
01:06:09,400 --> 01:06:12,399
the ones you love, but I don't
like you at all, man.

1301
01:06:12,400 --> 01:06:17,399
I'm just here 'cause this is
a real good opportunity for me.

1302
01:06:17,400 --> 01:06:20,399
Justin, oh, you gotta
give it up for Justin.

1303
01:06:20,400 --> 01:06:25,399
He started from the bottom,
and he's still a bottom.

1304
01:06:25,400 --> 01:06:29,399
I don't like your music, man.
I'm not a big fan of it.

1305
01:06:29,400 --> 01:06:31,399
I listened to some of it.
I'm not a fan.

1306
01:06:31,400 --> 01:06:34,399
I don't like your music.

1307
01:06:34,400 --> 01:06:36,399
I think it's bad.
I think it's bad, man.

1308
01:06:36,400 --> 01:06:39,399
I don't like it.

1309
01:06:39,400 --> 01:06:40,400
I hate your music, man.

1310
01:06:41,400 --> 01:06:45,400
I hate your music more than
Bill Cosby hates my comedy.

1311
01:06:52,400 --> 01:06:56,399
Yo, Justin, man.

1312
01:06:56,400 --> 01:06:58,399
Well, this has been cool,

1313
01:06:58,400 --> 01:07:02,399
and despite
all those foul things I said,

1314
01:07:02,400 --> 01:07:05,399
you seem like
a sharp businessman,

1315
01:07:05,400 --> 01:07:09,399
and, uh...

1316
01:07:09,400 --> 01:07:11,399
this is real cool
that you did this

1317
01:07:11,400 --> 01:07:14,399
and let all these strangers
shit on you

1318
01:07:14,400 --> 01:07:15,399
in front of all these
people,

1319
01:07:15,400 --> 01:07:17,399
and I actually like
that song <i>Confident.</i>

1320
01:07:17,400 --> 01:07:19,399
That's a good song.
I like that song.

1321
01:07:19,400 --> 01:07:22,399
So thanks for letting me do it,
and congratulations, man.

1322
01:07:22,400 --> 01:07:23,400
All right, later, y'all.

1323
01:07:28,400 --> 01:07:30,399
Hannibal just killed me.

1324
01:07:30,400 --> 01:07:31,399
(announcer)
Up next,...

1325
01:07:31,400 --> 01:07:32,399
Ahh!
Catch me, Kevin!

1326
01:07:32,400 --> 01:07:34,399
(announcer)
Justin Bieber gets revenge...

1327
01:07:34,400 --> 01:07:35,399
Let's do this.

1328
01:07:35,400 --> 01:07:37,400
- Everybody in here?
- I'm not in it.

1329
01:07:40,698 --> 01:07:45,654
[techno music]

1330
01:07:45,655 --> 01:07:46,654
All right.

1331
01:07:46,655 --> 01:07:48,654
Ladies and gentlemen,

1332
01:07:48,655 --> 01:07:51,654
I would give an introduction,
but I don't need to.

1333
01:07:51,655 --> 01:07:52,655
Ron Burgundy.

1334
01:07:53,198 --> 01:07:55,655
[cheers and applause]

1335
01:08:21,655 --> 01:08:23,654
Listen, people.
Listen, listen.

1336
01:08:23,655 --> 01:08:28,654
I don't have a lot of time,
all right?

1337
01:08:28,655 --> 01:08:30,654
I don't have a lot of time.

1338
01:08:30,655 --> 01:08:35,654
I'm currently over at
stage 24

1339
01:08:35,655 --> 01:08:37,654
hosting Spike TV's

1340
01:08:37,655 --> 01:08:39,655
"Your Mother's a Fat Bitch"
awards show.

1341
01:08:45,655 --> 01:08:51,654
Some real clever writing,
great energy over there.

1342
01:08:51,655 --> 01:08:54,654
Boy, have we got a great gang of
talented comics here tonight.

1343
01:08:54,655 --> 01:08:58,654
We've got Tom Dreesen,

1344
01:08:58,655 --> 01:09:01,654
Willie Tyler, and Lester.

1345
01:09:01,655 --> 01:09:05,654
I didn't realize Lester
was a live human being.

1346
01:09:05,655 --> 01:09:08,654
Gary Mule Deer,

1347
01:09:08,655 --> 01:09:10,654
Fannie Flagg,

1348
01:09:10,655 --> 01:09:13,654
top notch.

1349
01:09:13,655 --> 01:09:16,654
Star-studded evening.

1350
01:09:16,655 --> 01:09:19,654
Listen, I'm just gonna cut
to the chase.

1351
01:09:19,655 --> 01:09:25,654
Justin Biber--Justin Bieber,

1352
01:09:25,655 --> 01:09:27,654
you've been taking it
on the chin tonight.

1353
01:09:27,655 --> 01:09:28,654
You really have.

1354
01:09:28,655 --> 01:09:31,654
In fact, absolutely abused,

1355
01:09:31,655 --> 01:09:33,654
and I'm just here
to say one thing.

1356
01:09:33,655 --> 01:09:37,654
You people don't know what
the hell you're talking about.

1357
01:09:37,655 --> 01:09:41,654
As far as I'm concerned,
this guy is doing it right.

1358
01:09:41,655 --> 01:09:44,654
Here's a couple things I know.

1359
01:09:44,655 --> 01:09:48,654
September 1st, 2014, Bieber
arrested for a collision with

1360
01:09:48,655 --> 01:09:51,654
a minivan in his hometown
of Stratford, Ontario, Canada,

1361
01:09:51,655 --> 01:09:54,654
and then beat up
the occupant of the minivan.

1362
01:09:54,655 --> 01:09:55,781
Nice work!

1363
01:09:59,655 --> 01:10:02,654
October 18th, 2010,
Bieber accused of assaulting

1364
01:10:02,655 --> 01:10:04,654
a 12-year-old
at a laser tag arena.

1365
01:10:04,655 --> 01:10:07,655
Kaboom!

1366
01:10:10,655 --> 01:10:14,654
I only wish the kid was
a nine-year-old.

1367
01:10:14,655 --> 01:10:18,654
March 28th, 2013,
Bieber flies into Munich

1368
01:10:18,655 --> 01:10:21,654
with his pet monkey, Mally,

1369
01:10:21,655 --> 01:10:24,654
doesn't have the proper
paperwork,

1370
01:10:24,655 --> 01:10:29,654
so he leaves it at a zoo
in Germany.

1371
01:10:29,655 --> 01:10:33,654
It's a monkey.
It's named Mally.

1372
01:10:33,655 --> 01:10:39,654
Don't think twice--
you leave it at a German zoo.

1373
01:10:39,655 --> 01:10:43,654
March 4th, 2013, two hours late
to a concert in Dubai

1374
01:10:43,655 --> 01:10:45,654
because he refused to stop
playing a video game.

1375
01:10:45,655 --> 01:10:48,654
Say what?

1376
01:10:48,655 --> 01:10:50,654
Hocked a loogie
at his neighbor

1377
01:10:50,655 --> 01:10:53,654
after the guy complained that
Bieber was driving 100 mph

1378
01:10:53,655 --> 01:10:54,654
in his gated community
neighborhood.

1379
01:10:54,655 --> 01:10:57,654
Eat that, bitch!

1380
01:10:57,655 --> 01:11:02,654
July 10th, 2013, Bieber pees
in a restaurant mop bucket.

1381
01:11:02,655 --> 01:11:04,654
As he runs off, he sprays
a photograph of Bill Clinton

1382
01:11:04,655 --> 01:11:06,654
with a bottle of blue liquid

1383
01:11:06,655 --> 01:11:10,654
and yells,
"Fuck Bill Clinton!"

1384
01:11:10,655 --> 01:11:13,654
There's not a person in
this room who hasn't done that,

1385
01:11:13,655 --> 01:11:16,655
you hypocritical assholes.

1386
01:11:20,655 --> 01:11:23,654
This kid has spunk,
moxie,

1387
01:11:23,655 --> 01:11:27,655
and probably
a few other STDs, okay?

1388
01:11:33,655 --> 01:11:35,654
I've always encouraged people
to stay classy,

1389
01:11:35,655 --> 01:11:37,654
and what's more classy
than hanging out

1390
01:11:37,655 --> 01:11:42,654
with Floyd Mayweather?

1391
01:11:42,655 --> 01:11:44,654
Would I love to see Biebs
spending time

1392
01:11:44,655 --> 01:11:45,654
with Oscar Pistorius?

1393
01:11:45,655 --> 01:11:48,655
Of course I would,
but that day will come.

1394
01:11:54,655 --> 01:11:58,654
People refer to
Mr. Bieber as a kid or a boy,

1395
01:11:58,655 --> 01:12:00,654
but here's a newsflash, gang.

1396
01:12:00,655 --> 01:12:02,654
He's a man,

1397
01:12:02,655 --> 01:12:06,654
a full-grown man
who works and loves

1398
01:12:06,655 --> 01:12:09,654
and makes things
with his hands,

1399
01:12:09,655 --> 01:12:12,654
a man who sings songs
for nine-year-olds

1400
01:12:12,655 --> 01:12:15,655
and cuts his hair
like a gay figure skater.

1401
01:12:19,655 --> 01:12:20,654
This guy just continues
to impress.

1402
01:12:20,655 --> 01:12:23,654
Is there anything
he can't do?

1403
01:12:23,655 --> 01:12:28,654
In fact,
I pulled my pants down

1404
01:12:28,655 --> 01:12:30,654
and took a big, creamy shit
in the green room

1405
01:12:30,655 --> 01:12:32,654
because I thought to myself,

1406
01:12:32,655 --> 01:12:35,654
"That's how the Biebs
would do it.

1407
01:12:35,655 --> 01:12:39,655
Again and again
and again."

1408
01:12:46,655 --> 01:12:49,654
If anything,
Justin Bieber,

1409
01:12:49,655 --> 01:12:51,654
not only do you need
to continue to live your life

1410
01:12:51,655 --> 01:12:53,654
with the same
reckless abandon,

1411
01:12:53,655 --> 01:12:55,655
I suggest you
turn up the heat.

1412
01:12:58,655 --> 01:13:02,654
Oh, and one last thing,
if you're watching

1413
01:13:02,655 --> 01:13:04,655
from your monkey cage
in Germany...

1414
01:13:08,655 --> 01:13:10,654
Go to bed, Mally.

1415
01:13:10,655 --> 01:13:12,654
Good night.

1416
01:13:12,655 --> 01:13:15,654
[pop music]

1417
01:13:15,655 --> 01:13:22,654
♪

1418
01:13:22,655 --> 01:13:24,654
(announcer)
Up next: Justin Bieber.

1419
01:13:24,655 --> 01:13:26,654
There he is!
Justin Bieber.

1420
01:13:26,655 --> 01:13:28,655
That's the guy
you want.

1421
01:13:39,773 --> 01:13:41,772
Wow.

1422
01:13:41,773 --> 01:13:44,772
You know what?
Right now it's finally time

1423
01:13:44,773 --> 01:13:48,772
to bring up
the boy of the hour.

1424
01:13:48,773 --> 01:13:50,772
You, Justin Bieber,
it's time, man.

1425
01:13:50,773 --> 01:13:51,772
Here's what I want to say.

1426
01:13:51,773 --> 01:13:55,772
At 21, he's already the most
famous living celebrity

1427
01:13:55,773 --> 01:13:57,772
in the world.
It's true.

1428
01:13:57,773 --> 01:14:00,772
He has over 60 million followers
on Twitter.

1429
01:14:00,773 --> 01:14:03,772
He's at 40 million on Grindr.

1430
01:14:03,773 --> 01:14:05,772
It's true.
It's true.

1431
01:14:05,773 --> 01:14:09,772
It's weird, but it's true.
They love you, Justin.

1432
01:14:09,773 --> 01:14:12,772
He's a platinum-selling
recording artist, okay?

1433
01:14:12,773 --> 01:14:15,772
Justin Bieber has
the voice of an angel,

1434
01:14:15,773 --> 01:14:19,772
and he has the haircut and
tattoos of a lesbian butcher.

1435
01:14:19,773 --> 01:14:21,772
This shit is bad.

1436
01:14:21,773 --> 01:14:24,772
It's bad.
I don't like it, but I love him,

1437
01:14:24,773 --> 01:14:26,650
so I can't tell him.
You guys do it.

1438
01:14:26,773 --> 01:14:28,772
Write a letter.
It's fucked up.

1439
01:14:28,773 --> 01:14:31,772
It's fucked up, man.

1440
01:14:31,773 --> 01:14:32,772
Him and Snoop are in
the same position.

1441
01:14:32,773 --> 01:14:35,772
Nobody wants to say anything.
Look at Snoop's look.

1442
01:14:35,773 --> 01:14:38,772
It's like a teenage boy
in high school, but he grew up,

1443
01:14:38,773 --> 01:14:41,772
but he didn't graduate,
but he's in college.

1444
01:14:41,773 --> 01:14:43,772
What the fuck
are you doing?

1445
01:14:43,773 --> 01:14:47,772
Why does Snoop have on Chucks?
It makes me so mad.

1446
01:14:47,773 --> 01:14:50,772
I hate it.
I hate it.

1447
01:14:50,773 --> 01:14:53,772
What the fuck
are you doing?

1448
01:14:53,773 --> 01:14:55,772
Let it go.
Your kids are in college.

1449
01:14:55,773 --> 01:15:00,772
What 70-year-old nigger
is doing this?

1450
01:15:00,773 --> 01:15:01,772
I hate it.

1451
01:15:01,773 --> 01:15:03,772
Justin, that's where
you're headed.

1452
01:15:03,773 --> 01:15:07,772
It's right in front
of your face.

1453
01:15:07,773 --> 01:15:09,772
Look at old success.

1454
01:15:09,773 --> 01:15:11,772
Shaq has on a tie
with glitter,

1455
01:15:11,773 --> 01:15:13,772
and what the fuck
are you doing?

1456
01:15:13,773 --> 01:15:15,772
Like, I don't even know
what it is.

1457
01:15:15,773 --> 01:15:17,772
- Diamonds.
- Shaq, it's not diamonds.

1458
01:15:17,773 --> 01:15:20,772
It's graffiti.
You're stupid.

1459
01:15:20,773 --> 01:15:23,772
I hate it.
I hate my people, man.

1460
01:15:23,773 --> 01:15:25,316
I really do.

1461
01:15:27,773 --> 01:15:29,772
You know, I would say something
about you, Jeff,

1462
01:15:29,773 --> 01:15:31,772
but this is all you got.

1463
01:15:31,773 --> 01:15:34,772
I don't want to fuck this
up for you.

1464
01:15:34,773 --> 01:15:37,772
Every year you're back here.
This is it.

1465
01:15:37,773 --> 01:15:39,772
You're you, okay?

1466
01:15:39,773 --> 01:15:42,772
That's what you say to people
that you know not gonna make it.

1467
01:15:42,773 --> 01:15:43,773
You're you.

1468
01:15:46,773 --> 01:15:48,772
Right now, you know what?

1469
01:15:48,773 --> 01:15:51,772
It's about the guy
that we came to roast tonight,

1470
01:15:51,773 --> 01:15:55,772
and I can be honored to say
I'm a fucking fan.

1471
01:15:55,773 --> 01:15:57,772
Not only am I a fan,
I'm a friend.

1472
01:15:57,773 --> 01:16:00,772
I'm glad to be here tonight,
Justin, and I think

1473
01:16:00,773 --> 01:16:02,772
everybody else up here tonight
can say the same thing.

1474
01:16:02,773 --> 01:16:04,772
With that being said,

1475
01:16:04,773 --> 01:16:09,772
please make some noise
and welcome Justin Bieber,

1476
01:16:09,773 --> 01:16:12,772
ladies and gentlemen.
- ♪ I need somebody to love

1477
01:16:12,773 --> 01:16:13,772
♪ Do-do-do

1478
01:16:13,773 --> 01:16:15,772
♪ Oh, I don't need too much

1479
01:16:15,773 --> 01:16:17,772
♪ Just somebody to love

1480
01:16:17,773 --> 01:16:20,772
♪ Somebody to love

1481
01:16:20,773 --> 01:16:22,772
♪ I don't need nothing else

1482
01:16:22,773 --> 01:16:24,772
♪ I promise, girl, I swear

1483
01:16:24,773 --> 01:16:26,772
♪ I just need somebody to love

1484
01:16:26,773 --> 01:16:28,772
Damn, you guys were brutal.

1485
01:16:28,773 --> 01:16:30,772
Goodness gracious.

1486
01:16:30,773 --> 01:16:34,772
This was supposed to be
a birthday present.

1487
01:16:34,773 --> 01:16:36,772
When I tell people what I got
for my 21st birthday,

1488
01:16:36,773 --> 01:16:40,772
I get to tell them
that I got my dick kicked in.

1489
01:16:40,773 --> 01:16:43,772
I know I've been
driving recklessly,

1490
01:16:43,773 --> 01:16:45,772
getting arrested,
smoking weed,

1491
01:16:45,773 --> 01:16:49,772
abandoning monkeys,
and urinating publicly,

1492
01:16:49,773 --> 01:16:51,772
but my biggest regret
is plowing my Maserati

1493
01:16:51,773 --> 01:16:55,772
into Jeff Ross's Saturn
in the parking lot, man.

1494
01:16:55,773 --> 01:16:59,772
And, Jeff,

1495
01:16:59,773 --> 01:17:01,772
I feel really bad
because I don't know

1496
01:17:01,773 --> 01:17:05,772
where you're gonna sleep
tonight, man.

1497
01:17:05,773 --> 01:17:07,773
Look, I'm new to comedy,
but here's a joke, all right?

1498
01:17:08,441 --> 01:17:12,772
What do you get when you give
a teenager $200 million?

1499
01:17:12,773 --> 01:17:14,772
A bunch of has-beens calling you
a lesbian for two hours.

1500
01:17:14,773 --> 01:17:17,773
[laughter and applause]

1501
01:17:24,773 --> 01:17:25,772
All right, all right.
I'm playing.

1502
01:17:25,773 --> 01:17:27,772
You guys were all
really funny tonight.

1503
01:17:27,773 --> 01:17:29,772
When we were looking
for a roastmaster,

1504
01:17:29,773 --> 01:17:32,772
we called Jamie Foxx,
Chris Rock,

1505
01:17:32,773 --> 01:17:34,772
and they both
couldn't do it.

1506
01:17:34,773 --> 01:17:36,772
Then I had a great idea.
Let's call Kevin Hart

1507
01:17:36,773 --> 01:17:40,772
and see if he has
Dave Chappelle's number.

1508
01:17:40,773 --> 01:17:43,772
No, I have hu--

1509
01:17:43,773 --> 01:17:45,773
[inaudible]

1510
01:17:47,773 --> 01:17:49,772
- [indistinct]
- He didn't have it.

1511
01:17:49,773 --> 01:17:52,772
He didn't have it.

1512
01:17:52,773 --> 01:17:53,772
(Justin)
Kevin, you were awesome tonight.

1513
01:17:53,773 --> 01:17:55,772
I have huge respect
for Kevin Hart.

1514
01:17:55,773 --> 01:17:57,772
Kevin loves seeing himself
on the big screen.

1515
01:17:57,773 --> 01:18:02,772
And for him that's an iPad mini.
Sorry.

1516
01:18:02,773 --> 01:18:06,773
Kevin is so short,
he calls Lil Wayne "Wayne."

1517
01:18:10,773 --> 01:18:11,772
I love Kevin Hart's
career plan.

1518
01:18:11,773 --> 01:18:15,773
Do everything Martin Lawrence
did, only shittier.

1519
01:18:17,773 --> 01:18:19,772
And, Martha,
thanks for coming.

1520
01:18:19,773 --> 01:18:23,773
I know that's probably something
you don't do much of anymore.

1521
01:18:27,773 --> 01:18:29,772
Ah, Natasha Leggero,

1522
01:18:29,773 --> 01:18:31,772
this is my first time
seeing you perform.

1523
01:18:31,773 --> 01:18:33,772
You were really great
even though you didn't shoot out

1524
01:18:33,773 --> 01:18:36,773
a single ping pong ball
like Snoop promised.

1525
01:18:39,773 --> 01:18:42,772
And, Jeff Ross,
thanks for being here, man.

1526
01:18:42,773 --> 01:18:44,772
Jeff, you look like
the emoji you send

1527
01:18:44,773 --> 01:18:46,773
when you want to tell someone
you have food poisoning.

1528
01:18:49,773 --> 01:18:53,772
Oh.

1529
01:18:53,773 --> 01:18:55,772
Chris D'Elia is
my favorite comedian,

1530
01:18:55,773 --> 01:18:56,772
and I'm lucky to call him
a friend.

1531
01:18:56,773 --> 01:18:58,772
Chris actually
brought me on stage

1532
01:18:58,773 --> 01:19:00,772
at one of his shows,
and it was really cool.

1533
01:19:00,773 --> 01:19:02,772
It was the first time
I got to see what it was like

1534
01:19:02,773 --> 01:19:05,773
to perform for eight people
staring at their phones.

1535
01:19:09,773 --> 01:19:11,772
I'm a huge fan
of Chris D'Elia.

1536
01:19:11,773 --> 01:19:14,772
Chris gets a ton of girls.
You want to know why?

1537
01:19:14,773 --> 01:19:17,275
'Cause I'm a big fan
of Chris D'Elia.

1538
01:19:17,773 --> 01:19:19,772
That's right.
That's what I get.

1539
01:19:19,773 --> 01:19:21,773
Love you.

1540
01:19:23,773 --> 01:19:25,772
Luda, what's up, man?

1541
01:19:25,773 --> 01:19:27,773
I knew you would show up
for me tonight.

1542
01:19:28,733 --> 01:19:29,772
I feel like I've known you
my whole life,

1543
01:19:29,773 --> 01:19:30,772
but that's just because
you look like

1544
01:19:30,773 --> 01:19:33,773
the Mr. Potato Head
I had as a kid.

1545
01:19:38,773 --> 01:19:41,773
- Luda and I had--
- [laughing]

1546
01:19:43,773 --> 01:19:46,772
That's good.
That's good.

1547
01:19:46,773 --> 01:19:49,772
Luda and I had a lot of hours
making the song <i>Baby</i> together.

1548
01:19:49,773 --> 01:19:51,772
In fact, he told me
it was the only baby

1549
01:19:51,773 --> 01:19:53,773
he ever made on purpose.

1550
01:19:59,773 --> 01:20:01,772
Of course I had to have
one of my favorite people

1551
01:20:01,773 --> 01:20:03,772
in the world here tonight,
Shaquille O'Neal.

1552
01:20:03,773 --> 01:20:05,772
Thanks for coming, man.

1553
01:20:05,773 --> 01:20:08,772
I love you, dude,
but how in 19 seasons

1554
01:20:08,773 --> 01:20:10,772
have you only made
one three-pointer?

1555
01:20:10,773 --> 01:20:15,772
I've hit more pedestrians
with my car.

1556
01:20:15,773 --> 01:20:18,772
And Hannibal Buress, thank you
so much for being here.

1557
01:20:18,773 --> 01:20:19,772
I don't really know much
about you,

1558
01:20:19,773 --> 01:20:21,772
but from what
I've been hearing,

1559
01:20:21,773 --> 01:20:24,773
I hope you don't know much
about me either.

1560
01:20:29,773 --> 01:20:32,772
Snoop Doggie Dogg,
what's up, man?

1561
01:20:32,773 --> 01:20:34,772
He's way too shy to admit this,
but he was actually

1562
01:20:34,773 --> 01:20:39,772
the <i>Billboard</i> top male artist
the year I was born.

1563
01:20:39,773 --> 01:20:40,772
And look at you now, Snoop.

1564
01:20:40,773 --> 01:20:42,772
You're one of
the ten dudes at my roast

1565
01:20:42,773 --> 01:20:43,772
sitting right next to
Martha Stewart

1566
01:20:43,773 --> 01:20:45,772
and that Hannibal guy.

1567
01:20:45,773 --> 01:20:48,772
How cool is this?
So cool.

1568
01:20:48,773 --> 01:20:51,772
You made it.
I'm proud of you, man.

1569
01:20:51,773 --> 01:20:56,772
I'm proud of you.

1570
01:20:56,773 --> 01:20:58,772
Before I go, I want to thank
everyone for tonight.

1571
01:20:58,773 --> 01:21:00,772
This roast was
a dream of mine.

1572
01:21:00,773 --> 01:21:03,525
I especially want to thank
all my fans, the dais,

1573
01:21:03,773 --> 01:21:04,772
and everyone
watching at home.

1574
01:21:04,773 --> 01:21:06,772
I turned a lot of people off
over the past few years,

1575
01:21:06,773 --> 01:21:08,772
but I know I can still
turn out good music

1576
01:21:08,773 --> 01:21:11,772
and turn everything all around.
You have my word.

1577
01:21:11,773 --> 01:21:15,772
I will not end up broken,
pathetic, bitter,

1578
01:21:15,773 --> 01:21:18,773
or sitting on the dais
of somebody else's roast.

1579
01:21:23,773 --> 01:21:28,772
No, but seriously.

1580
01:21:28,773 --> 01:21:30,772
Really, let's get serious
for a second.

1581
01:21:30,773 --> 01:21:34,772
There was really no preparing me
for this life.

1582
01:21:34,773 --> 01:21:36,772
I was thrown into this
at 12 years old,

1583
01:21:36,773 --> 01:21:39,772
and I didn't really know what
I was getting myself into.

1584
01:21:39,773 --> 01:21:40,772
There's been moments
I'm really proud of,

1585
01:21:40,773 --> 01:21:42,772
and a lot of moments
I look back

1586
01:21:42,773 --> 01:21:44,772
and I'm pretty disappointed
in myself for,

1587
01:21:44,773 --> 01:21:47,772
but the things that I've done
really don't define who I am.

1588
01:21:47,773 --> 01:21:49,772
I'm a kindhearted person
who loves people,

1589
01:21:49,773 --> 01:21:51,772
and through it all I lost
some of my best qualities.

1590
01:21:51,773 --> 01:21:55,772
For that, I'm sorry.

1591
01:21:55,773 --> 01:21:57,772
But what I can say is I'm
looking forward to being someone

1592
01:21:57,773 --> 01:21:59,772
that you guys can all look at
and be proud of,

1593
01:21:59,773 --> 01:22:02,772
someone you can smile at
and see some of yourself in.

1594
01:22:02,773 --> 01:22:03,772
Someone close to me
once said,

1595
01:22:03,773 --> 01:22:05,772
"It's how you rise
from a fall

1596
01:22:05,773 --> 01:22:07,772
that truly defines you
as a man."

1597
01:22:07,773 --> 01:22:08,772
I'm excited
for that challenge,

1598
01:22:08,773 --> 01:22:09,772
and I want to say
thank you so much

1599
01:22:09,773 --> 01:22:11,772
for taking this journey
with me,

1600
01:22:11,773 --> 01:22:13,773
and I'm excited for you
to see what's next.

1601
01:22:14,692 --> 01:22:15,772
Thank you, God,
for your grace

1602
01:22:15,773 --> 01:22:17,772
and for never
giving up on me.

1603
01:22:17,773 --> 01:22:20,773
[cheers and applause]

1604
01:22:32,773 --> 01:22:35,772
But one more thing.
One more thing before I go.

1605
01:22:35,773 --> 01:22:38,772
There's someone in my life who
I owe a special apology to.

1606
01:22:38,773 --> 01:22:40,772
I'm talking about someone
who I really loved

1607
01:22:40,773 --> 01:22:41,772
and lost because
I screwed it all up,

1608
01:22:41,773 --> 01:22:44,772
but thankfully
that special someone,

1609
01:22:44,773 --> 01:22:46,772
the love of my life,
is here tonight.

1610
01:22:46,773 --> 01:22:49,773
I just want that second chance,
so if you could come on out.

1611
01:22:54,773 --> 01:22:57,772
This is your monkey.

1612
01:22:57,773 --> 01:22:59,772
I missed you, buddy.
Want to go to the zoo?

1613
01:22:59,773 --> 01:23:00,772
I'm just kidding.

1614
01:23:00,773 --> 01:23:02,773
Thank you so much
and good night.

1615
01:23:11,773 --> 01:23:14,772
You did good, man.
I'm proud of you, buddy.

1616
01:23:14,773 --> 01:23:17,772
Incredible fucking show.

1617
01:23:17,773 --> 01:23:20,772
[techno music]

1618
01:23:20,773 --> 01:23:21,772
♪

1619
01:23:21,773 --> 01:23:22,772
It takes a lot of balls
to do that.

1620
01:23:22,773 --> 01:23:23,772
I wouldn't be able
to do that.

1621
01:23:23,773 --> 01:23:25,773
Happy to do it.

1622
01:23:28,773 --> 01:23:30,772
Great, dude.
It really was.

1623
01:23:30,773 --> 01:23:34,773
- It was really great.
- That's my guy, right?

1624
01:23:38,512 --> 01:23:48,511
♪

1625
01:23:48,512 --> 01:23:58,512
♪