1 00:00:18,435 --> 00:00:20,228 2 00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:24,608 3 00:00:27,819 --> 00:00:31,156 4 00:00:34,284 --> 00:00:37,746 5 00:00:39,414 --> 00:00:42,834 6 00:00:44,086 --> 00:00:47,631 7 00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:54,304 8 00:00:59,017 --> 00:01:00,352 If you like to gamble 9 00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:02,145 I tell you, I'm your man 10 00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:03,689 You win some, lose some 11 00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:05,774 Is's all the same to me 12 00:01:11,947 --> 00:01:13,407 The pleasure is to play 13 00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:15,993 It makes no difference what you say 14 00:01:19,454 --> 00:01:21,331 I don't share your greed 15 00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:24,126 The only card I need is the Ace of Spades 16 00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:25,586 The Ace of Spades 17 00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:31,216 Playing for the high one 18 00:01:31,341 --> 00:01:32,676 Dancing with the devil 19 00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:34,678 Going with the flow 20 00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:36,846 Is's all a game to me 21 00:01:41,351 --> 00:01:43,103 (Song drowns out dialogue) 22 00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:44,771 Seven or eleven 23 00:01:44,897 --> 00:01:47,066 Snake eyes watching you 24 00:01:49,776 --> 00:01:51,236 Double up or quit 25 00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:53,655 Double stake or split 26 00:01:53,739 --> 00:01:56,784 The Ace of Spades, the Ace of Spades 27 00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:05,417 You know I'm born to lose 28 00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:07,419 And gambling's for fools 29 00:02:07,503 --> 00:02:09,088 But that's the way I like it, baby 30 00:02:09,171 --> 00:02:11,256 I don't want to live forever 31 00:02:15,761 --> 00:02:17,721 And don't forget the Joker 32 00:02:44,748 --> 00:02:46,500 Pushing up the ante... 33 00:02:46,625 --> 00:02:48,377 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 34 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:49,753 Read 'em and weep 35 00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,714 The dead man's hand again 36 00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:00,472 I see it in your eyes 37 00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:02,265 Take one look and die 38 00:03:05,269 --> 00:03:06,729 The only thing you see 39 00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:08,522 You know it's gonna be 40 00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:12,359 The Ace of Spades, the Ace of Spades 41 00:03:16,655 --> 00:03:18,824 (Ketchup splutters) 42 00:03:34,173 --> 00:03:36,467 I'm going to the toilet. 43 00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:38,552 See you next Tuesday, then. 44 00:04:00,532 --> 00:04:03,869 Oh, it's a great feeling, Dave, when your wife fuck s off and leaves you. 45 00:04:03,994 --> 00:04:05,537 Is's like a dream come true. 46 00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:07,747 My life now is one big fanny festival. 47 00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:11,585 I don't care if they're black, white, yellow or purple. I'd shag anyone. 48 00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:13,879 Purple? Who's purple? 49 00:04:14,004 --> 00:04:15,881 Martians? 50 00:04:15,964 --> 00:04:17,966 - They're green! - Are they? 51 00:04:18,050 --> 00:04:20,344 - Would you shag a Martian? - Yeah. Would you? 52 00:04:20,469 --> 00:04:24,306 Might as well, I can't remember t'last time I shagged a human being. 53 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,350 SUPER PREACHERS: Good Karma 54 00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:45,702 Have you heard this - this...fucking sandwich he's got? Tell him. 55 00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:48,497 Well, Linda used to put strawberry jam on her twat. 56 00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,290 So I'd lick her out. 57 00:04:50,374 --> 00:04:53,419 - Blimey! - Listen to this, Ferris. 58 00:04:53,502 --> 00:04:57,381 Now I'm just addicted to the taste. Fanny juice and strawberries. 59 00:04:58,423 --> 00:05:02,177 He's got fucking strawberry jam and fish paste sandwiches. 60 00:05:02,261 --> 00:05:04,138 Fucking hell, Tolly. 61 00:05:04,263 --> 00:05:06,432 Is's the nearest I can get to the flavour. 62 00:05:06,557 --> 00:05:08,851 Go on, have a bite. Is's fucking horrible. 63 00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:10,310 No, thank s. 64 00:05:10,394 --> 00:05:11,437 Try it. 65 00:05:11,562 --> 00:05:15,316 Tolly, I ain't eating a sandwich that tastes like Linda's twat. 66 00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:17,902 It really doesn't, though. And that's the problem. 67 00:05:18,026 --> 00:05:19,903 Can't quite get the flavour right. 68 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:23,657 Erm...Kings Heath, you know, paint factory. 69 00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:28,119 That's them. And Lozells Road. You know about that, don't you? 70 00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:29,496 You've already give 'em us. 71 00:05:29,580 --> 00:05:32,917 Have I? Must've done. Sorry. It was a late night. 72 00:05:33,041 --> 00:05:35,335 Were you up all night watching porn channels? 73 00:05:35,419 --> 00:05:38,130 No, I went round to see Ruth at her flat. 74 00:05:38,255 --> 00:05:41,884 Drank a lot of wine, played chess, talked about book s all night. 75 00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:43,761 You know what it's like. 76 00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:51,268 Anyway, you've er... you've got the things, so er... 77 00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:53,478 Yeah. 78 00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:56,064 Good stuff. 79 00:05:57,232 --> 00:05:58,984 I went out this bird once, right. 80 00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:00,652 She used to lick my arse. 81 00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:03,571 Like, stick her tongue...right up my arse. 82 00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:06,200 Which is great, but then she'd try and snog me. 83 00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:09,536 Which is like...fucking... swings and roundabouts, that is. 84 00:06:09,620 --> 00:06:11,288 You can't fucking win. 85 00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:13,999 I'd hate to think what she has in her sandwiches. 86 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:18,795 Shit, probably. 87 00:06:38,524 --> 00:06:40,818 WOMAN: How's my favourite son-in-law? 88 00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:45,197 You know what it's like, Joan, when you've got all your fingers in a big pie. 89 00:06:47,991 --> 00:06:50,702 I can't find my bag. Have you seen my bag? 90 00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:54,039 God, Joan, where's your jumper? 91 00:06:54,164 --> 00:06:56,041 In the kitchen. 92 00:06:57,918 --> 00:06:59,670 You look nice. 93 00:07:01,338 --> 00:07:04,049 Why don't you pull your trousers down? 94 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,428 Er... 95 00:07:08,554 --> 00:07:11,348 - Do you want me to help you? - No, no. I can manage. 96 00:07:15,644 --> 00:07:17,813 That's a very lengthy type of sausage. 97 00:07:18,647 --> 00:07:20,315 Yeah. 98 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,108 Don't get many complaints. 99 00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:24,486 You krow about my bad knees and my arthesis. 100 00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:28,031 I'm on steroids and that. Why don't I just plonk myself on the table? 101 00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:31,076 Yeah, that could work. 102 00:07:46,175 --> 00:07:48,052 (Sighs) 103 00:07:48,177 --> 00:07:50,971 My mother-in-law gave me a blow job last night. 104 00:07:51,096 --> 00:07:54,016 Mine gave me a fishing rod once. 105 00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:57,978 At the end she wiped herself down with toilet paper and put it in the ashtray. 106 00:07:58,061 --> 00:08:01,815 And then I was trying to have a fag and that was the worst bit. 107 00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:05,485 You know, flicking the ash onto the wet toilet paper. 108 00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:08,906 She's 50, you know, Joan. 109 00:08:09,031 --> 00:08:11,200 I've never seen varicose veins that big. 110 00:08:12,034 --> 00:08:13,827 Is's a tricky one, that, Ferris. 111 00:08:13,911 --> 00:08:17,164 You don't want to upset her or you'll have nowhere to live. 112 00:08:17,247 --> 00:08:20,292 I can't afford to move out. Is's going to keep on happening. 113 00:08:21,418 --> 00:08:24,338 Well, there's only way out of that situation. 114 00:08:24,463 --> 00:08:26,006 What's that? 115 00:08:26,131 --> 00:08:29,676 I don't know. I'm just saying. There's probably only one way out of it. 116 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,762 But I don't know what it is. 117 00:08:33,222 --> 00:08:34,974 I don't pay any rent. 118 00:08:35,098 --> 00:08:38,435 Free food, you know. No bills. I'm laughing, really. 119 00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:41,230 But I can't go on living with my mother-in-law for ever. 120 00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:43,023 If I was still married, then... 121 00:08:43,106 --> 00:08:46,443 Well, I am still married legally, but...you know what I mean. 122 00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:48,737 At least you're getting blow jobs! 123 00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:51,239 Two years ago was last before I had off Vicky 124 00:08:52,074 --> 00:08:53,742 I don't know what I've done wrong. 125 00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,827 I'm scared to go home these days. 126 00:08:55,953 --> 00:08:59,165 If I wasn't so lazy, I'd become a workaholic. 127 00:09:12,511 --> 00:09:14,096 (Fruit machine bleeps) 128 00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:20,143 - Is's the potato men. - Hiya, Phil. 129 00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:22,229 - How's it going? - Not bad, not bad. 130 00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:24,189 Still working for Stan? 131 00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:25,440 No. 132 00:09:25,566 --> 00:09:27,735 There's a few things in the pipeline, though. 133 00:09:27,860 --> 00:09:31,906 And I'm thinking of setting up a market stall selling broken biscuits. 134 00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:34,616 - Is's all happening, then. - Yeah. 135 00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:37,744 So er...you still scared of wasps? 136 00:09:37,870 --> 00:09:40,247 He's frightened to death of wasps. 137 00:09:40,372 --> 00:09:43,584 I'm not scared of 'em. If they fucking sting you, you know about it. 138 00:09:43,709 --> 00:09:47,546 I bought this candy floss once, right. About ten fucking wasps attacked it. 139 00:09:47,671 --> 00:09:49,631 I'm like, "Fuck off, out of it." 140 00:09:50,465 --> 00:09:52,550 Just got all tangled up in it. 141 00:09:52,676 --> 00:09:54,636 Couldn't eat it. 142 00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:57,138 Fucking wasps - cunts. 143 00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:58,807 A wasp sting can kill you. 144 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,392 - That's right. - No, it's not. 145 00:10:00,475 --> 00:10:02,268 It is. Is's well-known, wasp sting. 146 00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:05,272 They can trigger, you know, death in a person. 147 00:10:05,397 --> 00:10:08,525 Yeah, but if you didn't have wasps, you wouldn't have honey, so... 148 00:10:08,609 --> 00:10:10,402 No, that's bees. Bees make honey. 149 00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:13,822 Well, same thing. Little fucking stripy jumpers on. 150 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:15,282 Fuck 'em! 151 00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:17,367 Bees make honey? Since when? 152 00:10:17,492 --> 00:10:19,452 Are you fucking serious? 153 00:10:19,578 --> 00:10:21,955 Bees and wasps, they invented honey. 154 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,249 DAVE: That's how they became famous 155 00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:28,754 Actually, it's just honey bees that make honey. 156 00:10:29,588 --> 00:10:33,759 Honey bees! On jars of honey, there's always pictures of bees. 157 00:10:33,842 --> 00:10:35,927 FERRIS: Yeah I know I thought. 158 00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:38,847 I thought honey was just treacle with bees in it. 159 00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,307 You what? 160 00:10:40,432 --> 00:10:44,269 Don't they just mix a few bees up in the treacle? Flavour it up a bit? I don't know. 161 00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:47,606 - Fucking hell, you don't eat bees. - How do bees make honey, then? 162 00:10:48,857 --> 00:10:50,233 Phil. 163 00:10:55,656 --> 00:10:57,741 They eat flowers, I think. 164 00:10:57,824 --> 00:11:03,997 And something to do with eating the flowers produces a honey effect when they spit it out. 165 00:11:04,081 --> 00:11:06,709 All insects make sweet substances. 166 00:11:06,792 --> 00:11:08,877 Bees make honey and ants make sugar. 167 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,922 - Do they fuck! - They fucking do, don't they, Phil? 168 00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:14,716 No. 169 00:11:16,593 --> 00:11:18,678 I thought they did. 170 00:11:25,269 --> 00:11:27,563 Why didn't you pick Katie up from my mum's? 171 00:11:27,646 --> 00:11:29,231 Was I meant to? 172 00:11:29,314 --> 00:11:30,982 You smell like a pub. 173 00:11:31,108 --> 00:11:34,737 Yeah, well, it just gets in your clothes, the smoke and the beer smell. 174 00:11:35,696 --> 00:11:38,282 Did you put that flannel on the telly? 175 00:11:38,407 --> 00:11:42,036 I had a dirty face and erm... I don't know how it got there. 176 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,663 I'm running round after a child all day. 177 00:11:44,746 --> 00:11:46,831 I'm not running round after you as well. 178 00:11:46,957 --> 00:11:50,919 You're the one who wanted a kid. And now you've got one, it's like it's my fault. 179 00:11:51,003 --> 00:11:53,923 I wanted a family. And this isn't a family. 180 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:56,424 Because...you're a fucking idiot. 181 00:11:56,550 --> 00:11:58,927 Look, I don't even know what I'm arguing about. 182 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:00,595 It's very basic Dave. 183 00:12:00,721 --> 00:12:02,890 Is's about being in the house now and again. 184 00:12:03,015 --> 00:12:05,518 Being a proper dad. What's wrong with you? 185 00:12:05,601 --> 00:12:08,020 You know, we're just going round in circles here. 186 00:12:08,103 --> 00:12:10,731 - You're not behaving like a human being. - No I know. 187 00:12:10,814 --> 00:12:13,108 But who does? You've got to be realistic. 188 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,402 You might think this is normal, but I don't. 189 00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:18,238 And I'm not going to carry on living like this. 190 00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:21,575 If I was a monkey, a male monkey, 191 00:12:21,658 --> 00:12:24,161 I wouldn't even be here having this argument. 192 00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:26,038 I'd be down the pub, getting drunk... 193 00:12:26,163 --> 00:12:29,166 (Vacuum cleaner whirs) - ..shagging loads of female monkeys. 194 00:12:29,291 --> 00:12:32,920 That's a natural state of affairs for a male in any species. 195 00:12:33,045 --> 00:12:36,799 This situation here, it's a relatively modern one. 196 00:12:36,882 --> 00:12:39,301 And goes totally against nature. 197 00:12:40,219 --> 00:12:43,681 I'm telling you, society's under a lot of strain right now. 198 00:12:43,764 --> 00:12:45,641 (Vacuum cleaner off) 199 00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:47,309 Dave? 200 00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:51,063 I can't go on any more with this. You'll have to get out of here. 201 00:12:53,690 --> 00:12:57,110 Twelve months ago today, I met Ruth. Is's our anniversary. 202 00:12:57,236 --> 00:12:58,988 She's probably forgot, but... 203 00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:02,324 I'm going to take her out for a nice, expensive, slap-up meal. 204 00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:04,326 Champagne, you know. 205 00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:06,202 Starters. Puddings. 206 00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:09,623 Linda never remembered our wedding anniversary. Or my birthday. 207 00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:11,500 I think it was the heroin. 208 00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:14,002 Is's hard to keep the romance in a relationship. 209 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,504 Men like you and me, Tolly, we're a dying breed. 210 00:13:16,630 --> 00:13:18,590 I used to put strawberry jam on her twat. 211 00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:22,761 Yeah. Dying breed, Tolly, dying breed. 212 00:13:40,612 --> 00:13:42,697 Ruth? 213 00:13:42,781 --> 00:13:44,658 - Oh. - You look lovely. Your hair... 214 00:13:44,783 --> 00:13:46,326 Sorry, what did you want? 215 00:13:46,451 --> 00:13:48,203 I got you these. 216 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:52,290 Don't take this the wrong way. If you don't leave me alone, I will call the police. 217 00:13:52,374 --> 00:13:53,417 Why? 218 00:13:53,542 --> 00:13:56,962 - For the last time Jeremy, go away! - All couples have arguments. 219 00:13:57,087 --> 00:13:59,047 We are not a couple any more. 220 00:13:59,173 --> 00:14:03,427 How can you go from being...really liking me to not wanting to see me? I don't get it. 221 00:14:03,552 --> 00:14:06,555 To be honest, I didn't like you that much at any point, so... 222 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,057 You've got a new boyfriend, haven't you? 223 00:14:09,183 --> 00:14:11,143 Just tell me. 224 00:14:12,394 --> 00:14:14,897 I'm going to walk away. Leave me alone. 225 00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,441 - I'll always love you, Ruth. - Fuck off! 226 00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:20,444 - Give us a ring. - Fuck off, Jeremy! 227 00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:23,238 Any time. I like your outfit, by the way. 228 00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:25,448 It look s really nice on you. 229 00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,409 Women, eh? 230 00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:29,619 DELIBES: Flower Duet from Lakme 231 00:14:34,917 --> 00:14:38,045 JEREMY: Like a leaf falling from a tree I fell for you. 232 00:14:38,170 --> 00:14:40,547 Gradual. Then suddenly. 233 00:14:40,672 --> 00:14:42,549 My insides melt. 234 00:14:42,633 --> 00:14:47,429 Your eyes, eyebrows, nose, mouth. Everything leading to now. 235 00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:50,057 In the lake my shattered reflection. 236 00:14:50,140 --> 00:14:52,225 The mirror pieces of heartbreak 237 00:14:52,351 --> 00:14:54,311 Be still then passion. 238 00:14:55,062 --> 00:14:57,856 She has turned away like the winter. 239 00:14:57,981 --> 00:15:00,275 My inberrating love 240 00:15:00,359 --> 00:15:04,530 As it warms the clear shafts of sunlight penetrate 241 00:15:04,655 --> 00:15:09,743 your moist fanny with my stiff meaty love-rocket 242 00:15:10,494 --> 00:15:12,871 (Gasps) Fucking bitch! 243 00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:19,044 TOLLY: Like I say you can stay here as long as you like. 244 00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:20,920 DAVE: Yeah cheers Tol 245 00:15:21,004 --> 00:15:23,924 Sad, you know, when you've been with someone a long time. 246 00:15:24,049 --> 00:15:27,678 Well, she should have thought of that before she nagged me to death. 247 00:15:27,803 --> 00:15:30,723 I'm a youg man. I'm only 31 , 32. 248 00:15:30,806 --> 00:15:32,599 I don't need it. You know what I mean? 249 00:15:32,683 --> 00:15:35,311 I still ain't got over, you know, when Linda left me. 250 00:15:35,394 --> 00:15:37,187 You know what my first thought was? 251 00:15:37,271 --> 00:15:39,774 "Great, I can shag loads of birds now." 252 00:15:39,898 --> 00:15:42,192 But, like, my second thought was, "Who?" 253 00:15:43,110 --> 00:15:47,698 Who can I shag? Who exactly am I going to be shagging? 254 00:15:47,823 --> 00:15:50,409 All kinds of thoughts go racing through your mind. 255 00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:53,120 Linda was shagging a mental patient behind my back. 256 00:15:53,245 --> 00:15:54,496 I remember, yeah. 257 00:15:54,580 --> 00:15:59,376 I tell you what, I'm going to be sliding down a very steep learning curve. 258 00:15:59,501 --> 00:16:01,253 No doubt about it. 259 00:16:01,378 --> 00:16:03,463 But from now on, that's it. 260 00:16:03,547 --> 00:16:08,135 Is's just going to be fanny, blow jobs, big tits and... 261 00:16:08,260 --> 00:16:10,012 you know, beer. 262 00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:13,974 That's the kind of lifestyle I want. 263 00:16:15,225 --> 00:16:17,227 - Sandwich? - Cheers, mate. 264 00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:21,815 THE CORAL: Dreaming Of You 265 00:16:34,119 --> 00:16:37,456 What's up with my heart when it skips a beat? 266 00:16:37,539 --> 00:16:39,207 Skips a beat. 267 00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:42,461 Can't feel no pavement right under my feet 268 00:16:42,544 --> 00:16:44,129 Under my feet. 269 00:16:44,213 --> 00:16:46,507 Up in my lonely room Wah-oooh 270 00:16:46,632 --> 00:16:48,926 When I'm dreaming of you 271 00:16:49,009 --> 00:16:52,262 Oh, what can I do? Wah-oooh 272 00:16:52,346 --> 00:16:53,806 I still need you, but 273 00:16:53,931 --> 00:16:55,891 I don't want you now... 274 00:16:57,893 --> 00:16:59,853 All right, mate, is er...Poppy in? 275 00:16:59,978 --> 00:17:01,313 No, she's not. 276 00:17:01,438 --> 00:17:04,149 (Sighs) That's a shame. Is she all right, though? 277 00:17:04,233 --> 00:17:05,818 Who are you? 278 00:17:05,901 --> 00:17:07,486 Sorry, mate. I'm Dave. 279 00:17:07,569 --> 00:17:11,031 I'm an old friend of Poppy's. What time are you expecting her back? 280 00:17:11,114 --> 00:17:12,574 Not till late. She's at work. 281 00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:14,659 Can you give her a message? 282 00:17:14,785 --> 00:17:15,828 What? 283 00:17:15,911 --> 00:17:19,039 - Have you got a pen and a bit of paper? - Look, just tell me. 284 00:17:19,164 --> 00:17:22,167 - You must have some paper. - Oh, Jesus Christ! 285 00:17:22,292 --> 00:17:24,377 This is important! 286 00:17:26,547 --> 00:17:29,050 All right, the message is from me, Dave. 287 00:17:29,174 --> 00:17:32,302 That's D-A-V-E. 288 00:17:32,386 --> 00:17:36,348 Just say, with respect to the threesome - yeah? Just put threesome. 289 00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:40,018 With respect to the threesome, it's a thumbs-up. 290 00:17:40,102 --> 00:17:43,856 Is's just that she asked me if I'd be interested but, you know, 291 00:17:43,981 --> 00:17:46,275 I was still with my wife at the time, so er... 292 00:17:46,358 --> 00:17:48,443 Mind you, I'm going back a bit now. 293 00:17:49,403 --> 00:17:51,488 I've not seen Poppy for a couple of years. 294 00:17:51,572 --> 00:17:53,365 You know, she could be... 295 00:17:53,448 --> 00:17:55,533 - You're not her husband, are you? - No. 296 00:17:55,659 --> 00:17:57,953 - This is her mam's house, in't it? - Yeah. 297 00:17:58,036 --> 00:18:00,455 - Who are you, then? - I'm her brother. 298 00:18:00,539 --> 00:18:02,207 Ooh, nice one. Brother. 299 00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:04,084 How did that come about, then? 300 00:18:04,209 --> 00:18:05,961 What do you mean? 301 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,923 Yeah, if you could pass the message on, that would be great. 302 00:18:10,048 --> 00:18:11,508 I'll just write my number down. 303 00:18:14,636 --> 00:18:16,179 There you go. 304 00:18:16,305 --> 00:18:17,848 How's your mam, anyway? 305 00:18:17,973 --> 00:18:19,850 She died last year. 306 00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:21,935 What a shame. 307 00:18:22,019 --> 00:18:25,147 Anyway, get Poppy to give us a ring as soon as she gets back 308 00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:27,357 cos I've just split up with my wife. 309 00:18:27,441 --> 00:18:29,026 Last night, actually. 310 00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:33,822 Is's taking me a while to adjust, so a threesome with your sister would be superb right now. 311 00:18:36,617 --> 00:18:38,702 Tell her it's urgent! 312 00:18:39,745 --> 00:18:41,622 BUZZCOCKS: Orgasm Addict 313 00:18:41,747 --> 00:18:44,750 Well, you tried it just for once, found it all right for kick s 314 00:18:44,875 --> 00:18:47,252 But now you found out that it's a habit that stick s 315 00:18:47,377 --> 00:18:49,337 And you're an orgasm addict 316 00:18:49,463 --> 00:18:52,049 You're an orgasm addict 317 00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:54,885 Sneaking in the back door with dirty magazines 318 00:18:54,885 --> 00:18:57,596 Now your mother wants to know what all those stains on your jeans are. 319 00:18:57,679 --> 00:18:59,139 And you're an orgasm addict 320 00:18:59,890 --> 00:19:01,850 You're an orgasm addict 321 00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:05,520 Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha 322 00:19:07,189 --> 00:19:10,609 Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha 323 00:19:12,402 --> 00:19:14,779 You get in a heat, you get in a sulk 324 00:19:14,905 --> 00:19:17,491 But you still keep a-beating your meat to pulp... 325 00:19:17,616 --> 00:19:20,327 Yeah? Wow. What else are you wearing? 326 00:19:21,370 --> 00:19:23,455 Oh, God! Really? 327 00:19:27,626 --> 00:19:29,795 What? What am I wearing? 328 00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:33,882 Erm...a brown jumper. A pair of trousers I got off my dad. 329 00:19:33,966 --> 00:19:36,469 They didn't fit him. He got them out the catalogue 330 00:19:36,593 --> 00:19:38,553 and didn't send them back, so I had them. 331 00:19:38,679 --> 00:19:42,308 Linda, my ex-wife, she used to quite like me in these trousers. 332 00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:44,100 Yeah, she just pissed off one day. 333 00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:45,852 Never rung me or anything. 334 00:19:45,978 --> 00:19:48,772 I've heard she's been done for shoplifting, which... 335 00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:51,483 Hello? Hello? 336 00:19:51,608 --> 00:19:55,153 Have you finished, Tolly? You're putting me off my breakfast. 337 00:20:09,334 --> 00:20:11,419 Excuse me, mate. 338 00:20:12,254 --> 00:20:14,131 How much are your plastic twats? 339 00:20:14,214 --> 00:20:16,007 - Fifty quid. - Right. 340 00:20:16,091 --> 00:20:19,136 What do you use to erm... What do you put inside it? 341 00:20:20,262 --> 00:20:21,722 Your cock. 342 00:20:21,847 --> 00:20:23,724 No, I meant to make it all slippery. 343 00:20:23,807 --> 00:20:26,226 Do you put, like, margarine in it or something? 344 00:20:26,310 --> 00:20:29,230 There's tubes of KY Jelly. Next to the vibrators. 345 00:20:29,354 --> 00:20:31,731 Yeah, but it doesn't taste of anything, does it? 346 00:20:31,857 --> 00:20:33,525 You're not supposed to eat it, mate. 347 00:20:33,609 --> 00:20:35,277 No, no. 348 00:20:35,402 --> 00:20:36,445 Obviously. 349 00:20:36,528 --> 00:20:38,613 But is there anything else? 350 00:20:38,739 --> 00:20:41,951 Is there anything that's got a more... proper fanny flavour? 351 00:20:42,075 --> 00:20:43,410 Yeah. A proper fanny. 352 00:20:47,164 --> 00:20:50,000 ANSWERPHONE: Leave your message now ( Beep) 353 00:20:50,083 --> 00:20:53,003 All right guys. My name's Nigel Tolly 354 00:20:53,128 --> 00:20:54,463 My mates call me Tolly. 355 00:20:54,588 --> 00:20:56,965 I'm average, 26, divorced. 356 00:20:57,090 --> 00:20:59,050 I look er...OK. Normal. 357 00:20:59,176 --> 00:21:01,553 I haven't got a moustache, anything like that. 358 00:21:01,678 --> 00:21:06,349 I like takeaway meals, renting videos and I used to have a motorbike. 359 00:21:06,475 --> 00:21:09,061 Sold it to a mate of mine. He didn't look after it. 360 00:21:09,186 --> 00:21:11,063 Still, that's another story. 361 00:21:11,146 --> 00:21:13,023 I have my own...apartment. 362 00:21:13,148 --> 00:21:16,151 With future fridge et cetera 363 00:21:16,276 --> 00:21:18,028 Gas central heating. 364 00:21:18,153 --> 00:21:20,947 I'm really looking for a girl who enjoys dirty sex acts. 365 00:21:21,073 --> 00:21:22,825 Any size, any age, any colour. 366 00:21:22,950 --> 00:21:25,119 No sex-change people. I must specify that. 367 00:21:25,244 --> 00:21:29,206 And I like putting jam on people. I've got to get that across. Is's very important. 368 00:21:29,289 --> 00:21:31,708 So please send photos to my box number 369 00:21:31,792 --> 00:21:36,088 or leave a message if you want strawberry jam put on your areas. 370 00:21:36,171 --> 00:21:39,007 I will, of course, buy you a drink and a meal. 371 00:21:39,091 --> 00:21:42,136 That's about it, girls. Get dialling now. OK. 372 00:21:51,728 --> 00:21:53,480 Three women at once. 373 00:21:53,605 --> 00:21:57,150 And I bet he's got a few cans of beer in that fridge for later on. 374 00:21:57,234 --> 00:21:59,319 My cousin's been killed in a car crash. 375 00:21:59,444 --> 00:22:01,196 - Has he? - Yeah. 376 00:22:05,492 --> 00:22:07,577 I won't have to pay that back now, will l? 377 00:22:07,661 --> 00:22:10,164 No, if somebody dies, it's their fault, in't it? 378 00:22:10,289 --> 00:22:12,583 Yeah. Shame for his wife and kid, and that, 379 00:22:12,666 --> 00:22:15,586 but for me personally...it's worked out all right. 380 00:22:16,628 --> 00:22:18,630 DAVE: Here we are look. 381 00:22:18,714 --> 00:22:21,133 - Nice. - All right, girls? 382 00:22:21,216 --> 00:22:23,510 Fuck off! 383 00:22:23,635 --> 00:22:25,929 THE SPECIALS: A Message To You, Rudy 384 00:22:26,013 --> 00:22:28,724 Oh, come on, Ferris. Just get it over with. 385 00:22:28,849 --> 00:22:31,352 Tell him his dad's dead or I'm going to be late. 386 00:22:32,269 --> 00:22:34,271 I can't do it, Dave. 387 00:22:34,354 --> 00:22:36,022 All right. Leave it to me. 388 00:22:36,148 --> 00:22:38,525 I'm pretty good at this sort of thing. 389 00:22:41,987 --> 00:22:44,781 Stop your messing around 390 00:22:46,575 --> 00:22:48,118 Better think of your future... 391 00:22:48,243 --> 00:22:49,995 Do you know your dad used to be alive? 392 00:22:51,872 --> 00:22:54,583 Well, he's not any more. 393 00:22:54,708 --> 00:22:57,294 Creating problems in town... 394 00:23:00,631 --> 00:23:02,091 Rudy... 395 00:23:02,216 --> 00:23:03,759 Where's Mummy? 396 00:23:04,718 --> 00:23:07,638 Good point. Where's his mum? 397 00:23:07,721 --> 00:23:09,306 She's in a coma. 398 00:23:09,389 --> 00:23:11,474 A message to you... 399 00:23:13,143 --> 00:23:14,728 Do you want an ice cream? 400 00:23:15,979 --> 00:23:17,939 Come on, then. 401 00:24:43,984 --> 00:24:45,527 VERDI: Brindisi from La Traviata 402 00:24:45,652 --> 00:24:47,404 Dear Ruth you cowbag 403 00:24:47,529 --> 00:24:50,323 I know you are enjoying this situation. 404 00:24:50,449 --> 00:24:53,160 Messing me about and getting all this attention. 405 00:24:53,243 --> 00:24:56,705 I noticed you've now changed all your telephone numbers 406 00:24:56,788 --> 00:25:00,959 your mobile, your home number and your extension at work 407 00:25:01,084 --> 00:25:04,838 as well as your email addresses and both fax numbers. 408 00:25:04,922 --> 00:25:08,384 When they ask you why I can just imagine you saying. 409 00:25:08,467 --> 00:25:12,429 "There's this man who's obsessively in love with me you know how it is." 410 00:25:12,554 --> 00:25:16,391 I bet you let everyone know about me because it makes you look really good 411 00:25:16,517 --> 00:25:18,602 in demand Wanted by me! 412 00:25:24,316 --> 00:25:26,193 Well you'd better make the most of it. 413 00:25:26,318 --> 00:25:29,321 You've got the kind of face that isn't going to age very well. 414 00:25:29,446 --> 00:25:32,032 Fat cheeks and piggy eyes 415 00:25:32,157 --> 00:25:34,117 in a couple of years you'll be ringing me up. 416 00:25:34,243 --> 00:25:38,289 You'll be desperate and I'll say "You had your chance darling but you blew it. 417 00:25:38,413 --> 00:25:40,373 Now go away and be ugly and fat. 418 00:25:40,499 --> 00:25:42,793 And honey" 419 00:25:45,379 --> 00:25:49,758 You'll keep this letter in a box as a souvenir of the times when you could attract me! 420 00:25:49,883 --> 00:25:51,426 You know this is true. 421 00:25:51,552 --> 00:25:55,389 And that new boyfriend of yours I know for a fact he's seeing somebody else. 422 00:25:55,514 --> 00:25:57,474 All the best Jeremy. 423 00:26:07,818 --> 00:26:13,115 RUTH: Just sniffs. Sniffs the grass. In a minute, he'll see something he wants to play with. 424 00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:14,908 Come on, baby. 425 00:26:20,122 --> 00:26:21,582 Yeah. 426 00:26:21,665 --> 00:26:23,667 - (Laughs) - Yeah. 427 00:26:31,592 --> 00:26:33,260 (Dog bark s) 428 00:26:33,343 --> 00:26:35,554 Oi! Fuck off! 429 00:26:37,222 --> 00:26:39,307 Fuck off! 430 00:26:46,690 --> 00:26:47,858 (Dog bark s) 431 00:26:53,572 --> 00:26:54,948 RUTH: Bobby! 432 00:26:55,032 --> 00:26:57,034 BOYFRIEND: Bobby! 433 00:26:57,117 --> 00:26:58,160 Bobby! 434 00:26:58,994 --> 00:27:00,370 Bobby! 435 00:27:03,790 --> 00:27:08,795 (Evil chuckle) OK. I'm going to chop your fucking head off, mister. 436 00:27:08,921 --> 00:27:12,466 Send you back in a fucking carrier bag. See how she likes that. 437 00:27:13,592 --> 00:27:15,677 Don't move. 438 00:27:24,978 --> 00:27:26,521 There. 439 00:27:26,647 --> 00:27:28,732 How do you like this situation, then, eh? 440 00:27:28,815 --> 00:27:31,109 You scared? You fucking scared? Are you? 441 00:27:32,486 --> 00:27:34,154 Right. 442 00:27:43,413 --> 00:27:45,916 This was a really stupid thing to do. 443 00:27:49,253 --> 00:27:51,338 SUPER PREACHERS: I Feel Happy 444 00:28:01,056 --> 00:28:02,391 All right. 445 00:28:02,516 --> 00:28:05,936 Put your hands up if you're going to shag two women this afternoon. 446 00:28:06,061 --> 00:28:07,187 FERRIS: Are you? 447 00:28:07,312 --> 00:28:09,898 Just got a message from Poppy. Can't believe it. 448 00:28:10,023 --> 00:28:11,983 I'm having a threesome today. 449 00:28:12,109 --> 00:28:13,235 Can I come? 450 00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:15,112 - No - Wouldn't be a threesome then. 451 00:28:15,237 --> 00:28:16,572 No, but... 452 00:28:16,697 --> 00:28:18,449 - Congratulations, mate. - Cheers. 453 00:28:18,574 --> 00:28:21,077 - Yeah, nice one, Dave. - Cheers, Tol. 454 00:28:22,744 --> 00:28:24,704 I can't believe it. A threesome! 455 00:28:25,747 --> 00:28:27,540 FERRIS: You deserve it mate. 456 00:28:27,624 --> 00:28:29,626 Yeah, I do, don't I? 457 00:28:34,631 --> 00:28:37,134 DAVE: They want to sort the parking out round here. 458 00:28:37,217 --> 00:28:40,554 Is's hopeless. You should have permit parking or something. 459 00:28:40,679 --> 00:28:42,973 Go in there with Kevin. I'll only be a minute. 460 00:28:43,056 --> 00:28:44,724 Right. 461 00:28:44,850 --> 00:28:46,602 Kevin? Who's Kevin? 462 00:28:46,727 --> 00:28:49,521 Is's a threesome, Dave. You need three people. 463 00:28:49,646 --> 00:28:52,232 Yeah, but I thought it would be me and two women. 464 00:28:52,357 --> 00:28:54,442 Yeah, I bet you did. 465 00:29:02,367 --> 00:29:04,327 - All right, mate? - All right. 466 00:29:05,913 --> 00:29:07,456 Where did you park? 467 00:29:08,624 --> 00:29:10,709 Actually, I... I got the bus. 468 00:29:10,792 --> 00:29:13,628 My car's off the road at the minute. I had er...a bump. 469 00:29:13,712 --> 00:29:15,923 I've been driving round for ages. 470 00:29:17,049 --> 00:29:20,386 - I haven't kept you waiting, have I? - No. I got here early. 471 00:29:20,511 --> 00:29:23,014 You know, I like to soak up the atmosphere. 472 00:29:23,096 --> 00:29:24,889 (Dogs bark outside) 473 00:29:24,973 --> 00:29:26,975 Turn off the mobile. 474 00:29:27,059 --> 00:29:29,562 Yeah. How do they work, these things? 475 00:29:29,686 --> 00:29:31,646 I wouldn't want to hazard a guess. 476 00:29:31,772 --> 00:29:33,440 Is's like space age. 477 00:29:34,149 --> 00:29:38,528 Is's all them aerials. You see 'em on the motorway. Is's like a network. Like the radio. 478 00:29:38,654 --> 00:29:40,614 Yeah, but the radio - how does that work? 479 00:29:40,739 --> 00:29:43,116 How does music travel through the air 480 00:29:43,242 --> 00:29:45,953 then get into the radio and come back out again? 481 00:29:46,036 --> 00:29:49,164 I-I-I'd imagine it's the same system as the phones. 482 00:29:50,207 --> 00:29:51,667 Could be, yeah. 483 00:29:51,792 --> 00:29:54,503 I saw that Adrian Chiles in the pub and I asked him about it. 484 00:29:54,586 --> 00:29:57,005 He didn't have a clue, and he's on the BBC. 485 00:29:57,089 --> 00:30:00,009 Lives near Redditch. Lovely house. 486 00:30:00,133 --> 00:30:02,010 He's quite a nice bloke, actually. 487 00:30:02,094 --> 00:30:04,096 Told us that he's loaded, like. 488 00:30:04,179 --> 00:30:07,307 He said he doesn't get out of bed for less than two grand. 489 00:30:07,432 --> 00:30:10,018 He just stays in bed if no-one pays him? 490 00:30:10,853 --> 00:30:12,229 Yeah. Think so. 491 00:30:12,312 --> 00:30:14,606 His pyjamas must stink. 492 00:30:14,731 --> 00:30:17,317 Actually, there was a funny smell in that pub. 493 00:30:23,156 --> 00:30:25,241 (Bed thuds) 494 00:30:26,201 --> 00:30:28,370 I reckon this bed's seen a bit of action. 495 00:30:28,495 --> 00:30:30,580 All the joints are loose. 496 00:30:30,664 --> 00:30:32,666 You need an Allen key. 497 00:30:32,749 --> 00:30:35,252 Tighten 'em up, and it'll be right as rain. 498 00:30:35,377 --> 00:30:36,920 POPPY: Hello boys! 499 00:30:38,589 --> 00:30:40,800 You haven't got an Allen key, have you? 500 00:30:40,883 --> 00:30:43,803 I've got vibrators, dildos, 501 00:30:43,927 --> 00:30:45,470 handcuffs... 502 00:30:45,596 --> 00:30:48,099 Is's just...we really need an Allen key. 503 00:30:49,975 --> 00:30:51,226 What for? 504 00:30:51,310 --> 00:30:53,813 - Well... - Dave! Don't worry about it. 505 00:30:53,937 --> 00:30:55,272 Let's... 506 00:30:55,397 --> 00:30:57,566 DAVE: Right yeah! 507 00:30:57,691 --> 00:30:59,651 - No problem. - Fancy a spit roast? 508 00:30:59,776 --> 00:31:01,444 Yeah! I do. 509 00:31:01,528 --> 00:31:03,613 I've only had a sandwich for my dinner. 510 00:31:05,282 --> 00:31:07,785 Everybody was kung fu fighting 511 00:31:09,244 --> 00:31:12,789 Those cats were fast as lightning 512 00:31:13,957 --> 00:31:17,377 In fact, it was a little bit frightening 513 00:31:18,754 --> 00:31:22,174 But they fought with expert timing 514 00:31:23,967 --> 00:31:26,678 There were funky Chinamen 515 00:31:26,762 --> 00:31:28,764 From funky Chinatown 516 00:31:28,847 --> 00:31:31,266 They were chopping them up 517 00:31:31,350 --> 00:31:33,644 They were chopping them down 518 00:31:33,769 --> 00:31:35,729 Is's an ancient Chinese art 519 00:31:35,854 --> 00:31:38,231 And everybody knew their part 520 00:31:38,357 --> 00:31:40,651 From a feint into a slip 521 00:31:40,734 --> 00:31:42,611 And a kicking from the hip 522 00:31:42,736 --> 00:31:45,239 Everybody was kung fu fighting... 523 00:31:45,322 --> 00:31:47,950 I like cauliflower and I like cheese... 524 00:31:49,076 --> 00:31:50,953 ..but I don't like cauliflower cheese. 525 00:31:51,078 --> 00:31:54,498 Same with me. I like apples and I like toffee but I don't like toffee apples. 526 00:31:54,623 --> 00:31:58,252 But then...I don't like actual tomatoes, 527 00:31:58,377 --> 00:32:00,462 but I love tomato sauce. 528 00:32:00,546 --> 00:32:01,922 Is's just weird. 529 00:32:02,005 --> 00:32:04,216 Are you two going to shut up, or what? 530 00:32:04,299 --> 00:32:05,884 Sorry, love. 531 00:32:05,968 --> 00:32:07,970 - Is's Dave. - Cheers, mate. 532 00:32:08,053 --> 00:32:10,889 I don't care who it is, just shut up and concentrate. 533 00:32:10,973 --> 00:32:12,224 I'm doing all the work here. 534 00:32:12,349 --> 00:32:14,309 Let's just get it finished. 535 00:32:14,434 --> 00:32:18,188 I can't "finish" just like that. I need some stimulation. 536 00:32:18,272 --> 00:32:20,483 Come on, Dave. Let's step it up a gear. 537 00:32:20,566 --> 00:32:22,234 Have you got any porn mags? 538 00:32:22,359 --> 00:32:24,528 Just put some elbow grease into it. 539 00:32:27,990 --> 00:32:29,950 (Bed creak s) 540 00:32:30,909 --> 00:32:32,661 DAVE: Aye! There you go! 541 00:32:53,932 --> 00:32:55,725 (Dogs bark in distance) 542 00:32:59,062 --> 00:33:01,439 JOAN: Ferris is that you? - Yeah. 543 00:33:02,274 --> 00:33:03,734 Come here a minute. 544 00:33:03,859 --> 00:33:05,319 Erm... 545 00:33:05,402 --> 00:33:07,070 Look at this 546 00:33:07,196 --> 00:33:08,948 - What? - I want to show you something. 547 00:33:09,072 --> 00:33:11,032 - What is it? - I won't bite you! 548 00:33:11,158 --> 00:33:12,701 I got my photos back. 549 00:33:12,826 --> 00:33:14,911 Oh. Oh, right. 550 00:33:15,537 --> 00:33:17,289 What do you think of that? 551 00:33:17,414 --> 00:33:20,208 What is it, the moon? Look s like the surface of the moon. 552 00:33:20,334 --> 00:33:23,337 How can it be the moon? I haven't been to the moon, have l? 553 00:33:23,462 --> 00:33:25,547 - I don't know. - Is's my arse. 554 00:33:26,590 --> 00:33:29,384 - Oh, right. - I got one of them throwaway cameras. 555 00:33:29,510 --> 00:33:31,470 Here y'are. Guess what that is. 556 00:33:32,846 --> 00:33:35,849 - Oh, Jesus. - Might get that one enlarged. 557 00:33:35,974 --> 00:33:37,726 Listen, Joan, I've got to... 558 00:33:37,851 --> 00:33:39,936 Don't you want to take your trousers down? 559 00:33:40,020 --> 00:33:41,480 - No. - Why not? 560 00:33:41,605 --> 00:33:42,940 Is's cold. 561 00:33:43,065 --> 00:33:46,694 I'll put the fire on. There's a hell of a draught coming from this door. 562 00:33:48,695 --> 00:33:50,363 I've got a new bra. 563 00:33:50,447 --> 00:33:53,575 Look, Joan, the thing is, I-I like living here and everything, 564 00:33:53,700 --> 00:33:55,243 it's just that I don't want to... 565 00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:02,042 That is a nice bra. 566 00:34:03,168 --> 00:34:05,253 Shall we strangle the hamster? 567 00:34:05,379 --> 00:34:07,339 All right. Just once more, then. 568 00:34:08,173 --> 00:34:10,467 SUPER PREACHERS: I Feel Happy 569 00:34:11,426 --> 00:34:13,386 A-ha-ha Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah 570 00:34:14,012 --> 00:34:16,014 A-ha-ha Yeah, yeah, yeah 571 00:34:16,098 --> 00:34:18,183 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah 572 00:34:19,226 --> 00:34:22,771 I don't know if we can get higher 573 00:34:23,730 --> 00:34:27,275 But tell me why you're dressed in black 574 00:34:28,735 --> 00:34:32,572 Life is short and full of flowers 575 00:34:33,740 --> 00:34:37,160 If you know you'll reach the sky 576 00:34:38,120 --> 00:34:40,080 I feel happy 577 00:34:40,205 --> 00:34:42,290 Yeah, yeah, yeah 578 00:34:42,374 --> 00:34:44,793 I feel happy 579 00:34:45,627 --> 00:34:47,587 Yeah, yeah, yeah 580 00:34:47,713 --> 00:34:49,673 - All right, mate? - All right. 581 00:34:49,798 --> 00:34:51,758 (Laughs) What happened here? 582 00:34:51,884 --> 00:34:54,887 - Crazy paving. - This ain't crazy paving, Ferris. 583 00:34:55,012 --> 00:34:56,972 This is just shit. 584 00:34:57,097 --> 00:34:59,808 I was trying to...you know. 585 00:35:01,059 --> 00:35:04,271 You haven't got, like, any artistic vision here, have you? 586 00:35:04,396 --> 00:35:06,773 Is's just a random fucking big mess. 587 00:35:06,899 --> 00:35:09,902 Is's crazy paving. You just bung slabs down on the floor. 588 00:35:10,027 --> 00:35:13,030 No. I think you've focused too much on the crazy aspect 589 00:35:13,155 --> 00:35:15,115 and not enough on the paving side of it. 590 00:35:15,240 --> 00:35:17,743 Have you come round to have a go at my crazy paving? 591 00:35:17,826 --> 00:35:19,703 - No, but... - What do you want, then? 592 00:35:19,828 --> 00:35:21,079 Nothing. 593 00:35:21,163 --> 00:35:23,165 You're standing on my string. 594 00:35:23,999 --> 00:35:27,628 What type of concrete are you using? Cos you know there's different types. 595 00:35:27,753 --> 00:35:29,505 You're getting on my nerves. 596 00:35:29,630 --> 00:35:32,424 I'm just saying, there's different types of concrete! 597 00:35:32,549 --> 00:35:34,843 Use the wrong one and...you're fucked! 598 00:35:34,927 --> 00:35:37,221 Is's just ordinary concrete. 599 00:35:38,805 --> 00:35:40,682 Tolly is driving me round the twist. 600 00:35:41,517 --> 00:35:44,520 He never stops wanking. I just had to get out of there. 601 00:35:44,645 --> 00:35:46,730 You want to try living here, with Joan. 602 00:35:46,813 --> 00:35:49,941 24 hours a day, it's either blow jobs or crazy paving. 603 00:35:50,776 --> 00:35:53,821 Look at us. Half eleven on a Saturday morning. 604 00:35:53,904 --> 00:35:55,906 It isn't right. We're youg blokes. 605 00:35:56,949 --> 00:36:00,995 We shouldn't be stood here like this. We should be living lives to the full. 606 00:36:01,119 --> 00:36:03,079 We should be down the pub. 607 00:36:07,251 --> 00:36:10,588 Threesomes are a great innovation, no question of that. 608 00:36:10,712 --> 00:36:13,506 Is's the other bloke being there that, you know... 609 00:36:14,550 --> 00:36:18,429 I'd rather it were me and two women, but that's more difficult to organise. 610 00:36:18,512 --> 00:36:22,474 Yeah, women get a bit narked when you try and involve another bird. 611 00:36:22,599 --> 00:36:24,559 They take umbrage. 612 00:36:25,394 --> 00:36:28,230 I don't want to sound like a complete poof, but... 613 00:36:28,313 --> 00:36:30,398 I used to like talking to my wife. 614 00:36:32,067 --> 00:36:33,318 Did you? 615 00:36:33,443 --> 00:36:34,986 I know it's weird, 616 00:36:35,112 --> 00:36:38,240 but her little face chatting away and then you say something. 617 00:36:38,323 --> 00:36:41,368 You know, like... pretending that you're listening. 618 00:36:43,036 --> 00:36:45,830 Is's nice when a woman looks at you like that, you know. 619 00:36:45,956 --> 00:36:47,499 Appreciative. 620 00:36:48,250 --> 00:36:49,918 That's what I'm going to miss. 621 00:36:50,002 --> 00:36:51,670 Are you all right, mate? 622 00:36:51,795 --> 00:36:55,966 Yeah, yeah. I'm just at that stage in my life where I just feel, you know... 623 00:36:56,049 --> 00:36:58,552 really...hungry. 624 00:37:08,896 --> 00:37:11,690 OPERATOR: Please enter your four-digit number. 625 00:37:12,941 --> 00:37:15,652 Welcome to the Sexy Singles call exchange. 626 00:37:15,777 --> 00:37:18,363 Your personal fun box is empty. 627 00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:23,285 TOLLY: I want one of them golden showers. 628 00:37:23,368 --> 00:37:25,036 I want you to like piss on me, 629 00:37:25,162 --> 00:37:26,830 then I want to do a 69 630 00:37:26,914 --> 00:37:31,419 but first I want to put some of this strawberry jam on your twat so I can lick it off. 631 00:37:31,502 --> 00:37:35,047 Then I want another girl with a strap-on dildo shaggin' me up the arse 632 00:37:35,172 --> 00:37:38,175 while you're doing yourself with a vibrator 633 00:37:38,300 --> 00:37:41,303 and then you both toss me off. How much will that be? 634 00:37:41,428 --> 00:37:42,971 Well, let's see. 635 00:37:43,096 --> 00:37:45,056 Where's my price list? 636 00:37:45,182 --> 00:37:47,351 Customer providing own jam 637 00:37:48,519 --> 00:37:50,062 ..double toss off... 638 00:37:50,187 --> 00:37:51,522 plus VAT... 639 00:37:51,647 --> 00:37:53,107 Let's call it 200. 640 00:37:54,983 --> 00:37:57,068 - That's cheap - Bloody hell. 641 00:37:58,320 --> 00:37:59,655 How much did you want to spend? 642 00:38:00,822 --> 00:38:02,282 What do you get for 20 quid? 643 00:38:02,366 --> 00:38:04,577 I'll show you my tits. 644 00:38:04,660 --> 00:38:07,997 That's 20 quid? I can get 13 pints of beer for 20 quid. 645 00:38:08,121 --> 00:38:09,998 - Go on, then. - All right, then, I will. 646 00:38:10,082 --> 00:38:13,210 And I'll toss myself off, for free. Thank you very much. 647 00:38:13,335 --> 00:38:15,420 Don't forget your jam. 648 00:38:15,504 --> 00:38:17,089 Oh, yeah. 649 00:38:17,172 --> 00:38:18,757 Thank s, love. 650 00:38:19,675 --> 00:38:21,468 Can I see your arse for a fiver? 651 00:38:21,552 --> 00:38:23,637 - No. - All right. Ta-ra, then, love. 652 00:38:23,762 --> 00:38:25,847 Ta-ra a bit. 653 00:38:33,647 --> 00:38:35,232 You coming for a pint? 654 00:38:35,315 --> 00:38:37,734 Can't, mate. I'm going down the hospital. 655 00:38:37,818 --> 00:38:39,820 I'm taking Matthew to see his mum. 656 00:38:39,903 --> 00:38:43,156 - The one in the coma with the big tits? - Yep, that's her. 657 00:38:44,199 --> 00:38:46,076 I bet there's some cracking nurses there. 658 00:38:46,159 --> 00:38:48,161 There is, mate. That's why I'm going. 659 00:38:48,245 --> 00:38:49,913 You know what nurses are like. 660 00:38:50,038 --> 00:38:53,166 Buy 'em a drink and some chips and they'll do anything. 661 00:39:03,051 --> 00:39:05,136 She's much thinner than before. 662 00:39:06,096 --> 00:39:07,848 I don't think they eat much in a coma. 663 00:39:07,973 --> 00:39:09,516 They don't eat anything, do they? 664 00:39:09,641 --> 00:39:12,227 I thought it was, like, astronaut food down a pipe. 665 00:39:12,352 --> 00:39:14,437 Yeah, that's it. That's it, I think. 666 00:39:14,938 --> 00:39:17,441 - You reckon they're quite big? - Oh, yeah. 667 00:39:20,485 --> 00:39:22,445 DAVE: Not bad. TOLLY: Nice. 668 00:39:28,285 --> 00:39:29,953 I need the toilet. 669 00:39:30,078 --> 00:39:31,830 What do you want? Number 1 or number 2? 670 00:39:31,955 --> 00:39:34,040 Number 3. 671 00:39:34,958 --> 00:39:36,126 Come on, Matthew. 672 00:39:36,210 --> 00:39:37,878 I'll take him to get some sweets. 673 00:39:38,003 --> 00:39:39,338 All right, mate. 674 00:40:05,322 --> 00:40:07,407 (Clink of crockery ) 675 00:40:11,870 --> 00:40:13,747 - All right, love? - Yeah, thanks. You? 676 00:40:13,872 --> 00:40:15,624 You remember Ferris, don't you, Mum? 677 00:40:15,749 --> 00:40:18,460 - Who? - Ferris. Julie's husband. The wedding. 678 00:40:18,544 --> 00:40:20,629 Hello, Rose. How are you doing? 679 00:40:20,754 --> 00:40:23,048 (Horn beeps) - Your taxi's here, Mum. 680 00:40:23,131 --> 00:40:26,051 Ferris. Oh, yes. Ferris. 681 00:40:26,885 --> 00:40:29,179 Got everything? Have you got your stick? 682 00:40:30,430 --> 00:40:33,767 Joan says you've got a big cock. 683 00:40:33,892 --> 00:40:37,020 - Mum! - What? 684 00:40:37,104 --> 00:40:38,272 Show it to her, Ferris. 685 00:40:39,398 --> 00:40:40,983 - What? - Show her your thing. 686 00:40:41,066 --> 00:40:42,025 No! 687 00:40:42,109 --> 00:40:45,863 Ferris! She doesn't get out much, she's practically bedridden. 688 00:40:45,988 --> 00:40:47,531 Oh, come on, Ferris. 689 00:40:47,656 --> 00:40:50,033 - Joan! - Don't be such a spoilsport, Ferris. 690 00:40:50,158 --> 00:40:53,703 You've had a lot of generosity from this family, living here rent-free. 691 00:40:53,787 --> 00:40:55,580 I don't ask for much in return. 692 00:41:00,586 --> 00:41:01,712 Well, hurry up. 693 00:41:06,216 --> 00:41:07,342 Wow! 694 00:41:07,467 --> 00:41:08,593 I told you. 695 00:41:08,719 --> 00:41:10,888 When it's stiff it's like a rolling pin. 696 00:41:11,638 --> 00:41:14,224 - Can I touch it? - Yeah, go on, have a feel. 697 00:41:17,269 --> 00:41:19,354 Ohhh! 698 00:41:19,438 --> 00:41:22,358 If I was 50 years youger... 699 00:41:22,482 --> 00:41:24,567 - Put it in your mouth. - Joan! 700 00:41:25,611 --> 00:41:27,905 I can't get down there with my back. 701 00:41:27,988 --> 00:41:29,865 Stand on a chair, Ferris. 702 00:41:29,990 --> 00:41:31,950 I'm not standing on a chair. 703 00:41:32,075 --> 00:41:33,535 MAN: Taxi for Rose 704 00:41:33,619 --> 00:41:35,412 (Zips up ) JOAN: Just coming love. 705 00:41:35,495 --> 00:41:37,789 ROSE: Has he gone to get a chair? - No he's. 706 00:41:37,915 --> 00:41:41,460 Let's get you home. They'll be wondering where you've got to. 707 00:41:41,543 --> 00:41:44,046 ROSE: It's shepherd's pie tonight. 708 00:41:44,171 --> 00:41:46,256 JOAN: Ooh lucky you! 709 00:41:52,513 --> 00:41:54,473 You can't stay here long. 710 00:41:54,598 --> 00:41:56,975 No, I know. Is's only for a couple of nights. 711 00:41:57,100 --> 00:41:58,852 I was thinking of buying my own place, 712 00:41:58,977 --> 00:42:03,440 but if I just move them jars of gherkins out the way, I could sleep on that shelf. 713 00:42:03,565 --> 00:42:06,068 Well, if I'm going to do you a favour, 714 00:42:06,151 --> 00:42:08,445 there might be a favour you can do for me. 715 00:42:09,279 --> 00:42:11,281 All right, then, yeah. No problem. 716 00:42:11,573 --> 00:42:13,867 Mop that floor, you bitch. 717 00:42:16,078 --> 00:42:18,581 I feel like a right cunt doing this. 718 00:42:18,664 --> 00:42:20,749 Keep going. Keep going! 719 00:42:20,874 --> 00:42:23,251 DEXY'S MIDNIGHT RUNNERS: One Way Love 720 00:42:23,377 --> 00:42:25,254 (Girl grunts) 721 00:42:25,337 --> 00:42:27,214 That's pretty clean now. 722 00:42:27,339 --> 00:42:28,799 Go and find 723 00:42:28,882 --> 00:42:30,342 Oh! 724 00:42:31,301 --> 00:42:33,261 The kind of girl 725 00:42:34,429 --> 00:42:37,641 Who think s you're the only 726 00:42:38,475 --> 00:42:40,560 Guy in the world 727 00:42:42,437 --> 00:42:44,439 No more half kisses 728 00:42:45,899 --> 00:42:47,859 That's bad enough 729 00:42:50,904 --> 00:42:52,239 No more teardrops 730 00:42:52,364 --> 00:42:54,741 No more one-way love 731 00:42:55,576 --> 00:42:57,369 One-way love 732 00:42:59,663 --> 00:43:01,540 Is's harder for someone 733 00:43:03,625 --> 00:43:05,710 Who likes to love fast 734 00:43:07,379 --> 00:43:09,756 You know that kind of love 735 00:43:10,716 --> 00:43:12,676 Will never last 736 00:43:14,136 --> 00:43:17,056 If she's fast and furious 737 00:43:18,223 --> 00:43:20,392 That can be rough 738 00:43:23,312 --> 00:43:27,066 You'll never have one-way love 739 00:43:27,816 --> 00:43:28,942 One-way love... 740 00:43:29,484 --> 00:43:31,236 MICHAEL HOLLIDAY: Starry-eyed 741 00:43:38,243 --> 00:43:41,872 Why am I so starry-eyed? 742 00:43:41,997 --> 00:43:45,334 Do us your trick, Bobby. Go on. (Laughs) 743 00:43:45,417 --> 00:43:47,294 Clever boy. Go on, do us another one. 744 00:43:47,419 --> 00:43:49,379 ( Laughs) 745 00:43:49,505 --> 00:43:51,048 Where'd you learn to do that? 746 00:43:51,173 --> 00:43:54,093 I love you Bobby You're just such a smashing little dog. 747 00:43:54,176 --> 00:43:56,261 I'm sorry I tried to kill you. 748 00:43:56,386 --> 00:43:57,637 I wouldn't do it now. 749 00:43:57,721 --> 00:44:02,434 I just really want to...you know, go to the park with you and spend all my time with you. 750 00:44:02,518 --> 00:44:04,311 I love you, Bobby. 751 00:44:04,394 --> 00:44:07,522 You're just a fantastic little dog, aren't you? Bobby? 752 00:44:07,648 --> 00:44:09,817 Bobby! Bobby, come back. 753 00:44:09,942 --> 00:44:12,945 Bobby, where are you going? Bobby! 754 00:44:13,779 --> 00:44:17,950 When we touch I hear angels sing Starry-eyed 755 00:44:18,075 --> 00:44:21,412 When we kiss I hear wedding bells ring... 756 00:44:21,495 --> 00:44:23,288 This is Bobby. Say hello. 757 00:44:23,372 --> 00:44:24,957 All right, mate? 758 00:44:25,791 --> 00:44:28,711 - You know what you get from a dog? - Dog shit. 759 00:44:28,794 --> 00:44:30,045 Unconditional love. 760 00:44:30,170 --> 00:44:31,838 Is it yours? 761 00:44:32,756 --> 00:44:34,216 Actually, it's Ruth's. 762 00:44:34,341 --> 00:44:36,927 She's away. She's in...Switzerland. 763 00:44:37,052 --> 00:44:39,638 So I'm looking after little Bobby. 764 00:44:39,763 --> 00:44:42,140 Well, don't, you know, while she's away. 765 00:44:42,266 --> 00:44:44,435 Don't start shagging it, cos she'll find out. 766 00:44:44,560 --> 00:44:46,228 They always find out. 767 00:44:46,311 --> 00:44:50,273 I know why I'm starry-eyed 768 00:44:50,399 --> 00:44:54,028 Starry-eyed and mystified 769 00:44:54,152 --> 00:44:57,906 All my dreams are coming true 770 00:44:58,824 --> 00:45:04,038 Just because I'm so in love with you 771 00:45:06,748 --> 00:45:09,376 Oh, hello! What's his name? 772 00:45:09,459 --> 00:45:11,753 Er, Bobby. Like Bobby Dazzler. 773 00:45:11,879 --> 00:45:13,839 Aw. 774 00:45:13,964 --> 00:45:16,675 Say hello, Bobby. Say hello to erm... 775 00:45:16,758 --> 00:45:18,843 I'm Shelley. This is Crystal. 776 00:45:18,969 --> 00:45:20,304 Hello, Crystal. 777 00:45:20,429 --> 00:45:23,140 (Dogs pant and whine) - Don't do that, Crystal. 778 00:45:23,223 --> 00:45:25,016 - Bobby, stop it! - Crystal, stop it! 779 00:45:25,100 --> 00:45:26,268 Bobby, stop it! 780 00:45:26,351 --> 00:45:29,479 I lived in...Africa for a while. 781 00:45:30,522 --> 00:45:33,984 Out there you soon learn to respect wild animals, you know. 782 00:45:34,067 --> 00:45:36,486 Lions, tigers, 783 00:45:36,570 --> 00:45:38,238 hippos. 784 00:45:38,363 --> 00:45:40,115 Whereabouts in Africa were you? 785 00:45:41,283 --> 00:45:43,452 The er...safari district. 786 00:45:43,577 --> 00:45:44,828 Right. Yeah. 787 00:45:45,662 --> 00:45:47,330 I'd love to go on a safari. 788 00:45:47,414 --> 00:45:49,291 It was Kenya, where I was. 789 00:45:49,416 --> 00:45:52,753 You'd love it there. Is's like solid jungle, you know. 790 00:45:52,836 --> 00:45:56,715 You open your curtains in the morning and there's giraffes everywhere. 791 00:45:56,798 --> 00:45:58,675 I love animals. 792 00:45:58,800 --> 00:46:00,885 So do I. They're great. 793 00:46:00,969 --> 00:46:02,345 RUTH: Bobby! 794 00:46:02,429 --> 00:46:04,723 SHELLEY: Are you a Capricorn? RUTH: Bobby! 795 00:46:07,851 --> 00:46:10,270 RUTH: Bobby! - What is it? 796 00:46:11,813 --> 00:46:13,273 Shit. 797 00:46:13,398 --> 00:46:14,858 Sorry, what... what is it? 798 00:46:14,942 --> 00:46:16,735 RUTH: Jeremy! BOYFRIEND: Oi! You! 799 00:46:16,818 --> 00:46:19,237 - Be nice to go out for a drink or something. - Yes. 800 00:46:19,321 --> 00:46:21,406 - Nice to meet you. Bye. - Bye. 801 00:46:26,745 --> 00:46:29,539 - That man stole my dog. - Did he? 802 00:46:37,881 --> 00:46:39,549 (Bottles clank) 803 00:46:39,675 --> 00:46:41,635 (Heavy grunting) 804 00:46:48,851 --> 00:46:50,311 FERRIS: What are you doing? 805 00:46:52,688 --> 00:46:55,316 - Is's the gherkin man. - What's this all about? 806 00:46:55,399 --> 00:46:57,610 Take no notice of him, he's just the potato man. 807 00:46:57,693 --> 00:46:59,278 What's he doing up there? 808 00:46:59,361 --> 00:47:03,323 Trying to get some sleep, so just deliver your gherkins and piss off. 809 00:47:03,448 --> 00:47:07,202 Don't tell me to piss off or I'll come up and smack your face in for you. 810 00:47:07,286 --> 00:47:10,206 - You don't have to get all... - Forget him, he's just a prat. 811 00:47:10,330 --> 00:47:12,207 I'm not taking any lip from a potato man. 812 00:47:12,291 --> 00:47:13,959 GIRL: I know it's OK 813 00:47:14,084 --> 00:47:16,044 You signed for them gherkins, love? 814 00:47:17,212 --> 00:47:19,589 Hang on a minute. That's my shelf! 815 00:47:19,715 --> 00:47:21,800 Oi! Potato man! 816 00:47:21,884 --> 00:47:24,303 You been messing about with my gherkins? 817 00:47:24,386 --> 00:47:27,097 No. This is... this is the vinegar shelf. 818 00:47:27,222 --> 00:47:28,974 I don't think so. 819 00:47:29,099 --> 00:47:32,227 They're just shelves. Can everybody just leave it? 820 00:47:32,311 --> 00:47:36,607 Listen, potato boy, you keep your hands off my gherkins, all right? 821 00:47:38,984 --> 00:47:41,612 - See you in a fortnight, love. - Yeah. OK. 822 00:47:43,363 --> 00:47:45,031 What's all that about? 823 00:47:45,157 --> 00:47:47,951 Look what you've done now. You've upset the gherkin man. 824 00:47:49,953 --> 00:47:52,539 Do you know what? This is all bollocks. 825 00:47:52,664 --> 00:47:54,541 You treat this place like an hotel. 826 00:47:54,625 --> 00:47:58,796 Is's about time you realised, Ferris, this is a chip shop, and don't you forget it. 827 00:47:59,630 --> 00:48:02,550 - Well, if that's how you want it, then... (Door slams) 828 00:48:03,926 --> 00:48:06,011 SUPER PREACHERS: I Feel Happy 829 00:48:08,722 --> 00:48:10,265 I got flowers, 830 00:48:10,390 --> 00:48:12,475 I got chocolates for a special girl. 831 00:48:12,559 --> 00:48:14,644 - What are you after? - Nothing. 832 00:48:14,770 --> 00:48:17,147 I thought we could go for a walk. 833 00:48:17,272 --> 00:48:19,858 I haven't really had time to talk to you that much. 834 00:48:19,983 --> 00:48:22,694 So that's your game, is it? Talking. 835 00:48:22,778 --> 00:48:24,863 I thought it'd be nice - just me and you. 836 00:48:24,988 --> 00:48:28,825 Have a nice...conversation. Go for a quick walk round the park. 837 00:48:28,951 --> 00:48:32,371 I hardly know you. I'm not going to go walking round the park with you. 838 00:48:32,496 --> 00:48:34,456 All right, then, forget it. 839 00:48:35,707 --> 00:48:39,794 I'm having a few people round next week for group sex, if you're interested. 840 00:48:39,878 --> 00:48:42,172 No, I... I think I'm busy that day. 841 00:48:42,297 --> 00:48:44,174 What day is it? 842 00:48:45,092 --> 00:48:46,343 Tuesday. 843 00:48:46,468 --> 00:48:48,637 No, I... I don't think so, you know. 844 00:48:48,762 --> 00:48:50,514 Please yourself. 845 00:48:50,639 --> 00:48:52,724 Right, well, I'd...better make a move. 846 00:48:52,808 --> 00:48:54,893 - Yeah, see you. - Yeah. 847 00:48:57,604 --> 00:48:59,272 DAVE: I've always fancied you. 848 00:48:59,398 --> 00:49:01,358 - Have you? - Yeah. 849 00:49:02,317 --> 00:49:04,277 You've got your own house, haven't you? 850 00:49:04,403 --> 00:49:05,863 Yes. 851 00:49:05,946 --> 00:49:07,614 How many bedrooms you got? 852 00:49:07,739 --> 00:49:09,199 Three. Why? 853 00:49:09,283 --> 00:49:12,536 I bet it's...nice and clean, isn't it? 854 00:49:12,619 --> 00:49:14,496 I've only got half an hour, you know! 855 00:49:14,621 --> 00:49:16,706 Right. OK. Well... 856 00:49:16,790 --> 00:49:20,127 I thought, you know, we'd...start with some penis work. 857 00:49:20,252 --> 00:49:21,920 Like what? 858 00:49:22,004 --> 00:49:24,006 How does a blow job sound? 859 00:49:24,089 --> 00:49:25,674 I don't do that. 860 00:49:27,551 --> 00:49:29,511 Course you do. 861 00:49:29,636 --> 00:49:31,513 No, I don't like it. 862 00:49:31,597 --> 00:49:34,642 But it's great. Is's...standard procedure. 863 00:49:34,725 --> 00:49:36,185 Would you do it? 864 00:49:37,978 --> 00:49:40,981 Yes, I would. If it'd make the other person happy. 865 00:49:41,106 --> 00:49:43,066 Well, not me. 866 00:49:43,192 --> 00:49:45,361 What if I put strawberry jam on it? 867 00:49:45,485 --> 00:49:47,862 You're only a potato man. I won't do anything weird. 868 00:49:47,988 --> 00:49:49,948 What do you mean, only a potato man? 869 00:49:50,073 --> 00:49:52,242 You've really spoilt the atmosphere now. 870 00:49:52,367 --> 00:49:55,078 You smell of chips but I weren't going to say anything. 871 00:49:55,162 --> 00:49:56,830 You're a stupid idiot. 872 00:49:56,955 --> 00:49:59,124 Your hair smells of pickled onions. 873 00:49:59,249 --> 00:50:00,792 Well, you've got a horrible face. 874 00:50:02,461 --> 00:50:04,672 I'm not going to get anything out of you, am I? 875 00:50:04,755 --> 00:50:06,632 Not now, no. 876 00:50:06,757 --> 00:50:08,509 I'm sorry, love. 877 00:50:08,634 --> 00:50:10,719 Look...I'll settle for a hand job. 878 00:50:10,802 --> 00:50:12,387 You'll be lucky. 879 00:50:12,471 --> 00:50:15,391 - Well, how about some free chips? - Piss off, Dave. 880 00:50:26,568 --> 00:50:29,488 So what do you reckon my chances are with whatsit? 881 00:50:29,571 --> 00:50:31,364 I wouldn't get your hopes up, Dave. 882 00:50:31,448 --> 00:50:34,493 She's only been out the coma a couple of week s. 883 00:50:34,576 --> 00:50:38,246 She'll still be pissed off about her husband being dead and that. 884 00:50:38,330 --> 00:50:40,833 So you're saying play it cool, sort of thing. 885 00:50:40,958 --> 00:50:42,918 Yeah, I can do that. 886 00:50:44,711 --> 00:50:46,671 Is's lovely and clean, innit? 887 00:50:46,797 --> 00:50:49,717 - Is's a nice house you've got here, Helen. - Thanks. 888 00:50:49,800 --> 00:50:52,219 Steve was pretty good with the decorating. 889 00:50:52,302 --> 00:50:54,387 That was one of his things. 890 00:50:55,430 --> 00:50:58,141 I'm sorry for you about what happened to him. 891 00:50:58,267 --> 00:51:01,395 A motorway pile-up, it's terrible. 892 00:51:01,478 --> 00:51:04,398 I heard it was a really nice car an' all. 893 00:51:04,523 --> 00:51:06,692 What was it, a Renault? 894 00:51:06,817 --> 00:51:09,320 Thought we'd just come round, see how you are. 895 00:51:09,403 --> 00:51:11,196 If there's anything we can do. 896 00:51:11,280 --> 00:51:12,948 Well, thanks for the potatoes. 897 00:51:13,073 --> 00:51:15,450 DAVE: There's plenty more where they come from. 898 00:51:15,576 --> 00:51:17,745 We'll see you all right. Don't you worry. 899 00:51:21,832 --> 00:51:24,418 I could really do with it right now! 900 00:51:24,543 --> 00:51:26,503 If you've got it, that is. 901 00:51:27,462 --> 00:51:29,422 Course, yeah. 902 00:51:29,548 --> 00:51:32,342 It must be really difficult for you right now. 903 00:51:33,510 --> 00:51:35,887 But no use crying over spilt milk, is there? 904 00:51:36,013 --> 00:51:39,225 You've got to... You need a man about the place. 905 00:51:39,349 --> 00:51:42,978 Yeah, well, Phil's been very good to me the past few weeks. 906 00:51:43,103 --> 00:51:45,272 Phil? Phil who? 907 00:51:45,397 --> 00:51:47,357 All right, lads? 908 00:51:47,482 --> 00:51:49,985 DAVE: What are you doing here? - I live here. 909 00:51:50,068 --> 00:51:51,236 Since when? 910 00:51:51,320 --> 00:51:54,865 Phil delivers biscuits to the hospital. That's how we met. 911 00:51:54,990 --> 00:51:57,367 Fancy a biscuit, Dave? Ferris? 912 00:51:57,492 --> 00:51:59,369 No. 913 00:51:59,453 --> 00:52:02,498 So, how's life been treating the potato men? 914 00:52:03,332 --> 00:52:05,626 - Look out, Phil, there's a wasp! - Where? 915 00:52:21,892 --> 00:52:24,686 Ferris, the gherkin man means nothing to me. 916 00:52:24,811 --> 00:52:26,563 I was just trying to make you jealous. 917 00:52:26,688 --> 00:52:29,900 Seeing you with that other girl made me realise you're not a bad bloke. 918 00:52:30,025 --> 00:52:33,445 Well, I didn't even know her name, to be honest. That was just a... 919 00:52:33,570 --> 00:52:35,238 I can see us making a go of it. 920 00:52:35,322 --> 00:52:38,784 Not just shagging in this crappy old storeroom all the time. 921 00:52:38,867 --> 00:52:41,078 I'm talking about something more. 922 00:52:41,161 --> 00:52:43,038 Like what? 923 00:52:43,163 --> 00:52:45,332 We could do it lying down. On a bed. 924 00:52:45,457 --> 00:52:47,334 I like the sound of that. 925 00:52:47,417 --> 00:52:49,419 My husband's away for a few days. 926 00:52:49,503 --> 00:52:53,882 Why don't you come back to the house tonight? We've got a big double bed, fluffy carpets. 927 00:52:54,007 --> 00:52:57,135 If you bring some cans of beer, I'll bring some leftover pies 928 00:52:57,219 --> 00:52:59,221 and we'll make a night of it. 929 00:52:59,304 --> 00:53:00,764 Ace. 930 00:53:02,641 --> 00:53:04,518 (Girl grunts) 931 00:53:10,691 --> 00:53:13,694 This is better than that stinky old stockroom, innit? 932 00:53:13,819 --> 00:53:16,196 Yeah, it's all right. When's your husband back? 933 00:53:16,321 --> 00:53:17,864 Oh, not for ages. 934 00:53:17,990 --> 00:53:20,784 Monday, I think. Is's a long drive from Poland. 935 00:53:20,909 --> 00:53:23,495 - What's he doing there? - Smuggling. 936 00:53:23,620 --> 00:53:26,748 - Smuggling? - Yeah, smuggling...motorbikes. 937 00:53:26,832 --> 00:53:28,500 Is he? 938 00:53:28,625 --> 00:53:30,710 I'm thinking of buying a moped. 939 00:53:30,794 --> 00:53:32,379 MAN: Shit! 940 00:53:32,462 --> 00:53:33,838 Fucking hell! 941 00:53:34,673 --> 00:53:36,550 - I thought he was in Poland. - Erm... 942 00:53:36,633 --> 00:53:38,301 Listen, Ferris. 943 00:53:38,427 --> 00:53:41,639 You breathe one word of this to anybody, you're dead. Right? 944 00:53:41,763 --> 00:53:45,183 OK. I'll... I'll just get dressed and go and... 945 00:53:45,309 --> 00:53:48,312 You ain't going anywhere. You finish what you started. 946 00:53:48,437 --> 00:53:51,023 - How do you mean? - Come on. Get on with it. 947 00:53:51,148 --> 00:53:53,859 Shag my wife, Ferris, or you're in big trouble. 948 00:54:03,452 --> 00:54:06,664 Don't make me come out there, Ferris! I'm warning you! 949 00:54:09,082 --> 00:54:11,042 I hope my husband doesn't catch us. 950 00:54:11,168 --> 00:54:14,171 - This is out of order. - Shut up, Ferris. 951 00:54:14,296 --> 00:54:17,424 - You said he was in Poland (Grunting in wardrobe) 952 00:54:17,508 --> 00:54:19,719 He's in the fucking wardrobe. 953 00:54:20,636 --> 00:54:24,181 If he finds out, he's going to punish me real bad. 954 00:54:24,306 --> 00:54:26,600 You and me are finished, I'm telling you. 955 00:54:26,683 --> 00:54:28,894 Oh, use me. Use me! 956 00:54:28,977 --> 00:54:31,271 Like the slutty wife I am. 957 00:54:32,439 --> 00:54:34,399 (Husband grunts) 958 00:54:42,658 --> 00:54:44,535 That should fucking do it. 959 00:54:44,618 --> 00:54:46,620 - Am I being held prisoner? - No! 960 00:54:47,746 --> 00:54:49,539 Well... A little bit. 961 00:54:49,623 --> 00:54:51,291 But it's just a game. 962 00:54:51,416 --> 00:54:53,501 - Is it? - (Husband slams fist) Look! 963 00:54:53,585 --> 00:54:58,590 Any more shit from you, sunshine, and I'll drown you in the bath like I did that sackful of kittens. 964 00:54:59,424 --> 00:55:01,301 That really turned me on. 965 00:55:02,344 --> 00:55:03,303 What? 966 00:55:03,387 --> 00:55:04,847 Is's a game. 967 00:55:04,972 --> 00:55:06,849 You're not going to drown me, are you? 968 00:55:06,932 --> 00:55:09,643 I'll punch you in the fucking face if you don't shut it. 969 00:55:12,980 --> 00:55:15,065 I thought you liked having sex with me. 970 00:55:15,190 --> 00:55:16,733 Not like this. This is... 971 00:55:16,859 --> 00:55:18,944 GIRL: This is how I like it. 972 00:55:19,027 --> 00:55:22,489 Next time, we'll do whatever you want. I'll do anything you want. 973 00:55:22,573 --> 00:55:24,658 - Think of something. (Power tools whir) 974 00:55:27,369 --> 00:55:30,289 There is one or two things I wouldn't mind trying. 975 00:55:31,123 --> 00:55:35,294 I've got some right stuff in store for you over the next few week s, Ferris. Oh, yes. 976 00:55:35,419 --> 00:55:38,005 Some really fucked-up shit. 977 00:55:39,673 --> 00:55:41,675 Get him down in the basement. 978 00:55:41,758 --> 00:55:45,095 Come on. (Grunts and laughs) 979 00:55:46,054 --> 00:55:48,223 - What do you keep in the basement? - Come on. 980 00:55:48,348 --> 00:55:51,142 - Have you got a pool table? - (Husband laughs) 981 00:55:51,268 --> 00:55:53,228 (Girl grunts) 982 00:56:07,534 --> 00:56:09,411 If I can't see you, 983 00:56:09,494 --> 00:56:11,496 you can't see me. 984 00:56:13,874 --> 00:56:18,253 If my husband walk s in here now and catches us, we're dead. 985 00:56:18,378 --> 00:56:21,298 If the rope breaks, we're dead. 986 00:56:21,381 --> 00:56:23,383 HUSBAND: Oh! Who wants salt and vinegar? 987 00:56:24,510 --> 00:56:26,095 Oh, God. No. 988 00:56:26,178 --> 00:56:27,763 Ahhhh! 989 00:56:29,932 --> 00:56:31,517 FERRIS: Fu... (Splash) 990 00:56:35,354 --> 00:56:37,565 I had to park bloody miles away. 991 00:56:38,482 --> 00:56:40,567 And they've dug up Old Ford Road again. 992 00:56:42,361 --> 00:56:44,113 Got the Allen key, by the way. 993 00:56:44,947 --> 00:56:47,032 (Chatter) 994 00:56:50,369 --> 00:56:52,371 No wonder I couldn't get parked. 995 00:56:55,582 --> 00:56:57,459 (Poppy moans) 996 00:56:58,418 --> 00:56:59,878 (Men pant heavily ) 997 00:56:59,962 --> 00:57:02,673 We could do with a couple more girls in here, couldn't we? 998 00:57:02,798 --> 00:57:04,550 Yeah. 999 00:57:04,675 --> 00:57:06,343 Where did you park, then? 1000 00:57:06,426 --> 00:57:08,428 Right outside. Got here early. 1001 00:57:09,680 --> 00:57:12,183 Is that your Ford Galaxy out there, the blue one? 1002 00:57:12,266 --> 00:57:14,143 - Yeah. - What's it like? All right? 1003 00:57:14,268 --> 00:57:17,897 Is's a decent motor. Feels safe, know what I mean? For the kids, and that. 1004 00:57:18,021 --> 00:57:19,481 (Poppy's moaning intensifies) 1005 00:57:19,565 --> 00:57:22,485 - Is there any more beer left? - No. Is's all gone. 1006 00:57:22,609 --> 00:57:25,612 - There's wine. - Wine? Who drink s fucking wine? 1007 00:57:25,737 --> 00:57:29,783 How much longer you going to be, mate? There's people queuing up here. 1008 00:57:30,826 --> 00:57:32,494 What number you got? 1009 00:57:32,619 --> 00:57:33,537 5. 1010 00:57:33,662 --> 00:57:35,622 Well, you're all right. 1011 00:57:35,747 --> 00:57:37,707 11. Is's typical. 1012 00:57:48,677 --> 00:57:50,554 What have we come here for? 1013 00:57:50,637 --> 00:57:54,391 This is where I met Vicky. Is's a good night in here on a Saturday. 1014 00:57:54,516 --> 00:57:56,476 FERRIS: But it's only quarter past one. 1015 00:57:56,602 --> 00:57:58,687 DAVE: Is's like a trip down memory lane for me. 1016 00:58:00,230 --> 00:58:03,150 Or it would be if I could remember anything about it. 1017 00:58:03,275 --> 00:58:05,235 I'd had a few that night. 1018 00:58:06,195 --> 00:58:08,781 Never going to pick up any birds in here, mate. 1019 00:58:08,906 --> 00:58:13,786 It'll be all right. We'll have a couple of pints and then...it will pick up a bit later. 1020 00:58:46,652 --> 00:58:48,737 Backing track to Come On, Eileen 1021 00:58:51,865 --> 00:58:53,950 Come on, Eileen! 1022 00:58:57,496 --> 00:59:01,125 These people round here 1023 00:59:01,959 --> 00:59:04,378 Wear beaten-down eyes... 1024 00:59:04,461 --> 00:59:06,755 ..resigned to what their fate is 1025 00:59:07,589 --> 00:59:10,217 My mother cried! 1026 00:59:10,300 --> 00:59:11,760 No never. 1027 00:59:11,885 --> 00:59:14,888 We are far too youg and clever Much too youg and clever 1028 00:59:15,013 --> 00:59:16,056 Come on, Eileen 1029 00:59:16,139 --> 00:59:22,729 Too-ra loo-ra, too-ra loo rye aye 1030 00:59:24,606 --> 00:59:26,066 Come on, Eileen 1031 00:59:28,652 --> 00:59:30,320 Come on, Eileen 1032 00:59:30,445 --> 00:59:32,197 I swear now, Eileen 1033 00:59:32,322 --> 00:59:35,116 At this moment Dirty! 1034 00:59:35,242 --> 00:59:37,411 You mean everything Everything 1035 00:59:37,536 --> 00:59:39,204 Pretty white dress 1036 00:59:39,288 --> 00:59:41,290 Oh, you're verging on...dress 1037 00:59:41,373 --> 00:59:43,166 Oh, you're dirty! 1038 00:59:43,250 --> 00:59:45,878 Oh, come on, Eileen 1039 00:59:45,961 --> 00:59:47,963 That pretty red dress. 1040 00:59:48,046 --> 00:59:49,839 Oh, I swear... Tell me yes. 1041 00:59:49,923 --> 00:59:51,508 Oh, you're dirty 1042 00:59:52,634 --> 00:59:56,596 Oh, come on, Eileen...dirty 1043 00:59:59,224 --> 01:00:01,601 DAVE: You all right then? VICKY: Yeah 1044 01:00:01,727 --> 01:00:05,147 The washing machine, there's still water coming out of it. 1045 01:00:06,315 --> 01:00:08,901 Probably a...leak... 1046 01:00:09,026 --> 01:00:10,903 of some kind. 1047 01:00:10,986 --> 01:00:12,654 How have you been? 1048 01:00:12,779 --> 01:00:15,156 Great. Everything's great. 1049 01:00:16,825 --> 01:00:19,453 You know, things are really starting to... 1050 01:00:21,121 --> 01:00:23,081 They're continuing to be great 1051 01:00:23,207 --> 01:00:24,667 So er 1052 01:00:24,750 --> 01:00:27,044 You all right, then? 1053 01:00:27,169 --> 01:00:29,755 Yeah. You all right? 1054 01:00:29,880 --> 01:00:32,257 Yeah. Great. 1055 01:00:32,382 --> 01:00:35,802 Everything's...great. 1056 01:00:37,596 --> 01:00:40,808 You know, if you want me back, I can move in straightaway. 1057 01:00:41,767 --> 01:00:43,519 Let's just leave things as they are. 1058 01:00:44,478 --> 01:00:47,272 Whatever it is you want me to do, I'll do it. 1059 01:00:47,397 --> 01:00:49,566 At Tolly's there's never anything to eat. 1060 01:00:49,691 --> 01:00:52,068 He's dirty I want to come home. 1061 01:00:52,903 --> 01:00:56,031 I don't want to live with Tolly. I want to live with you and Katie. 1062 01:00:57,491 --> 01:00:58,867 Well, you can't. 1063 01:00:58,951 --> 01:01:00,202 Why not? 1064 01:01:00,327 --> 01:01:02,412 Is's not as simple as that. 1065 01:01:03,247 --> 01:01:06,041 You know the person I feel sorry for in all this... 1066 01:01:06,166 --> 01:01:07,709 is me. 1067 01:01:26,061 --> 01:01:27,646 Hello. 1068 01:01:30,148 --> 01:01:33,360 Whatever that woman told you about me, it's not true. 1069 01:01:33,485 --> 01:01:34,736 You stole her dog. 1070 01:01:34,820 --> 01:01:36,196 (Laughs nervously ) 1071 01:01:36,280 --> 01:01:38,783 That boyfriend of hers, he's not right in the head. 1072 01:01:38,907 --> 01:01:40,659 I never stole any dog. 1073 01:01:40,784 --> 01:01:42,744 That's...no... 1074 01:01:43,912 --> 01:01:45,789 Actually, yes, I did steal the dog, 1075 01:01:45,873 --> 01:01:49,752 but...you...can't know what I went through with all that. 1076 01:01:49,835 --> 01:01:51,920 I've got my own dog now. 1077 01:01:52,880 --> 01:01:56,509 She messed me about rotten. I was just trying to get my own back. 1078 01:01:57,467 --> 01:01:59,427 I know what you're thinking, but... 1079 01:01:59,553 --> 01:02:02,765 you don't know what I've been through with that woman. 1080 01:02:04,641 --> 01:02:07,060 - Come on, Spike. - No I...I do 1081 01:02:08,312 --> 01:02:11,649 I do know what you've been through. I know exactly how you feel. 1082 01:02:11,732 --> 01:02:13,817 Do you? 1083 01:02:14,985 --> 01:02:16,737 How do you mean? 1084 01:02:16,862 --> 01:02:20,824 SHELLEY: He'd been seeing her for five weeks. I didn't ever twig. 1085 01:02:20,908 --> 01:02:22,910 I just thought, "That's not right." 1086 01:02:22,993 --> 01:02:26,038 Then I found out he was taking her to Paris for the weekend. 1087 01:02:26,121 --> 01:02:29,041 (Sighs) I still had the keys to his house so... 1088 01:02:29,166 --> 01:02:30,709 I went round there... 1089 01:02:31,877 --> 01:02:34,254 I went into the kitchen and I'd got some of 1090 01:02:34,379 --> 01:02:38,008 Crystal's you know dog mess that I'd collected in the park. 1091 01:02:39,593 --> 01:02:42,721 And before that I'd collected quite a lot from other dogs. 1092 01:02:54,066 --> 01:02:56,068 I put some in the bienden 1093 01:02:56,151 --> 01:02:58,028 added some water and erm. 1094 01:02:58,862 --> 01:02:59,905 (Whirs) 1095 01:03:02,824 --> 01:03:05,327 Colli had this high-powered waterpistol. 1096 01:03:05,452 --> 01:03:07,621 And I knew it was a mad thing to do but 1097 01:03:08,664 --> 01:03:11,917 after the way he treated me I just didn't care. 1098 01:03:12,000 --> 01:03:14,085 I just thought "Fuck him." 1099 01:03:20,259 --> 01:03:22,219 I did every room in the house. 1100 01:03:23,262 --> 01:03:25,556 That was a year ago. You can still smell it. 1101 01:03:27,140 --> 01:03:30,560 Yeah, well, nothing smells quite like a house full of dog shit. 1102 01:03:33,188 --> 01:03:36,108 With erm... With Ruth... 1103 01:03:37,359 --> 01:03:39,319 I told her I was a dentist. 1104 01:03:41,822 --> 01:03:43,824 Kept it up for months. 1105 01:03:43,907 --> 01:03:45,909 She thought it was great. 1106 01:03:45,993 --> 01:03:48,496 I told her I had my own dental practice. 1107 01:03:50,080 --> 01:03:53,083 And her mam and dad were pretty impressed as well. 1108 01:03:54,960 --> 01:03:59,882 But when she found out I worked in the potato distributior business which is what I do 1109 01:03:59,965 --> 01:04:01,842 she went spane. 1110 01:04:01,967 --> 01:04:05,596 Called me a liar which is fair enough I suppose, 1111 01:04:06,638 --> 01:04:09,474 A few days later she rang me up but that was that. 1112 01:04:10,309 --> 01:04:13,521 I tried to talk to her but she wasn't having any of it. 1113 01:04:15,606 --> 01:04:17,483 I don't care any more anyway. 1114 01:04:18,317 --> 01:04:20,319 I'm a potato man. That's what I do. 1115 01:04:22,404 --> 01:04:24,698 Doesn't make me a bad person. 1116 01:04:25,532 --> 01:04:27,701 Would you like to see my horse? 1117 01:04:29,578 --> 01:04:31,580 (Grunting and groaning) 1118 01:04:37,294 --> 01:04:38,962 Phew! 1119 01:04:39,087 --> 01:04:40,964 - Well, well! (Horse neighs) 1120 01:05:02,528 --> 01:05:05,239 OPERATOR: Your fun box has one new message. 1121 01:05:05,364 --> 01:05:08,075 WOMAN: Hiya Tolly my name's Gloria. 1122 01:05:08,158 --> 01:05:11,703 I really like your message. You sound like you're up for a laugh. 1123 01:05:11,828 --> 01:05:14,539 Fucking yes! Yes! 1124 01:05:19,753 --> 01:05:20,879 (Rings bell) 1125 01:05:21,004 --> 01:05:23,089 This is very nice, Gloria, thanks for this. 1126 01:05:23,173 --> 01:05:26,426 Good idea, get to know each other. I haven't been to a party for ages. 1127 01:05:26,510 --> 01:05:29,138 - How come? - Dunno. Don't get invited to any. 1128 01:05:31,223 --> 01:05:33,308 Gloria, hello! Come on in, nice to see you! 1129 01:05:33,392 --> 01:05:35,269 Told you I'd make it! 1130 01:05:35,394 --> 01:05:38,188 - Nice to see you. - All right, mate. Been swimming? 1131 01:05:38,313 --> 01:05:40,065 - Eh? - Don't matter. 1132 01:05:41,108 --> 01:05:44,028 - Is this what I think it is? - Depends. What do you think it is? 1133 01:05:44,152 --> 01:05:46,446 Is's obviously some sort of towel party. 1134 01:05:46,530 --> 01:05:48,407 Is's a sex party. 1135 01:05:48,532 --> 01:05:50,409 Fucking hell! Honestly? 1136 01:05:50,492 --> 01:05:53,412 Hey, I've heard about these. Is's like, anything goes. 1137 01:05:53,537 --> 01:05:55,497 Is's like a big orgy. Brilliant! 1138 01:06:08,427 --> 01:06:10,429 What a sight 1139 01:06:11,555 --> 01:06:14,058 Is's got a certain style 1140 01:06:14,183 --> 01:06:16,143 Hits the spot 1141 01:06:16,268 --> 01:06:18,228 Hits it right 1142 01:06:20,105 --> 01:06:21,773 Take your chance 1143 01:06:21,899 --> 01:06:25,236 Don't miss out, it's so near 1144 01:06:26,153 --> 01:06:29,615 Grab it, now's the time, cos it's here 1145 01:06:31,700 --> 01:06:33,660 Plat du jour 1146 01:06:34,494 --> 01:06:37,122 Served right up for you 1147 01:06:37,206 --> 01:06:39,500 One tasty dish 1148 01:06:39,625 --> 01:06:41,585 Is's a cure 1149 01:06:43,170 --> 01:06:45,047 Keep on track 1150 01:06:45,881 --> 01:06:48,675 And now it's right on stream 1151 01:06:48,800 --> 01:06:50,677 lt'll keep you 1152 01:06:51,512 --> 01:06:53,597 Ahead of the pack 1153 01:06:54,723 --> 01:06:56,808 Don't miss out 1154 01:06:56,934 --> 01:06:58,894 GLORIA: How was that then? 1155 01:07:01,104 --> 01:07:02,856 Was that what you wanted? 1156 01:07:02,981 --> 01:07:04,941 Yeah, it was great, yeah. Thanks. 1157 01:07:05,776 --> 01:07:07,653 You don't sound very happy about it. 1158 01:07:07,778 --> 01:07:09,530 No, I'm just, you know. 1159 01:07:09,655 --> 01:07:13,492 - Do you want to do it some more? - No, that was... That was it. 1160 01:07:14,535 --> 01:07:16,620 I could do with a cup of tea, actually. 1161 01:07:17,788 --> 01:07:19,748 All this jam. 1162 01:07:39,560 --> 01:07:41,228 Sleeping here now, are you? 1163 01:07:41,353 --> 01:07:42,271 FERRIS: Yeah 1164 01:07:43,438 --> 01:07:46,650 That chip shop - I got my fingers burnt there, mate. 1165 01:07:46,775 --> 01:07:49,152 - Did you? - Yeah. Look. 1166 01:07:51,655 --> 01:07:54,158 Trying to get a pound coin out the fat-fryer. 1167 01:07:54,283 --> 01:07:56,035 - Bet it hurt. - Did. 1168 01:07:56,159 --> 01:07:58,536 And I nearly got beat up by big fat Gordon. 1169 01:07:58,662 --> 01:08:00,539 I've warned you about him. 1170 01:08:00,622 --> 01:08:02,499 He catch you with his missus, did he? 1171 01:08:02,624 --> 01:08:04,167 Yeah, something like that. 1172 01:08:04,293 --> 01:08:06,045 You want to keep a low profile. 1173 01:08:06,170 --> 01:08:08,464 I'm gonna. Anyway, have a look at this. 1174 01:08:10,757 --> 01:08:12,425 (Beeps horn) 1175 01:08:12,509 --> 01:08:14,511 - What do you reckon? - Oh, magic. 1176 01:08:14,595 --> 01:08:16,263 Funky moped. 1177 01:08:16,388 --> 01:08:18,140 I see what's going on here. 1178 01:08:18,265 --> 01:08:22,853 You've had enough of women for t'time being and it's going to be you and the moped for a bit, 1179 01:08:22,936 --> 01:08:26,064 so you're... you're expressing yourself in a different way. 1180 01:08:26,190 --> 01:08:28,150 No, mate. This is a fanny magnet. 1181 01:08:28,275 --> 01:08:30,986 I'm gonna be knee-deep in pussy with this thing. 1182 01:08:31,069 --> 01:08:33,071 - What did it cost you? - Nothing. 1183 01:08:33,155 --> 01:08:34,823 I borrowed it off a mate of mine. 1184 01:08:34,948 --> 01:08:36,700 I'm thinking of buying it, though. 1185 01:08:36,825 --> 01:08:38,076 You reckon I should get one? 1186 01:08:38,160 --> 01:08:39,745 (Starts engine) - Is's up to you. 1187 01:08:39,828 --> 01:08:41,830 Give us a go, then. 1188 01:08:45,375 --> 01:08:47,460 - That's the accelerator. - Yeah, I know. 1189 01:08:47,544 --> 01:08:49,421 - Is's nice, innit? - Yeah. 1190 01:08:50,380 --> 01:08:51,423 Oh, fuck! 1191 01:08:51,507 --> 01:08:53,592 Dave! Dave! 1192 01:08:56,637 --> 01:08:57,972 Fuck! 1193 01:08:59,139 --> 01:09:01,850 DEXY'S MIDNIGHT RUNNERS: There, There, My Dear 1194 01:09:01,934 --> 01:09:04,645 Just say a situation occurred that was out of your hands. 1195 01:09:04,770 --> 01:09:06,730 You know, human error. 1196 01:09:06,855 --> 01:09:08,815 Police horse sat on it. That'll do. 1197 01:09:08,941 --> 01:09:10,901 He's 24. He'll understand. 1198 01:09:11,026 --> 01:09:12,569 You should pay for the repairs. 1199 01:09:13,403 --> 01:09:15,071 Here he comes. Just act normal. 1200 01:09:16,532 --> 01:09:18,743 - All right, Ferris? - All right, Beans. 1201 01:09:18,825 --> 01:09:21,453 So what do you think, then? You buying my moped? 1202 01:09:21,537 --> 01:09:23,622 Erm... 1203 01:09:24,456 --> 01:09:26,333 What do you think, Dave? 1204 01:09:28,544 --> 01:09:30,421 I'm going for a piss. 1205 01:09:30,504 --> 01:09:32,798 Is's hardly done any miles. Is's a bargain. 1206 01:09:33,632 --> 01:09:35,634 Yeah. All right, then, I'll have it. 1207 01:09:35,717 --> 01:09:38,428 Nice one, Ferris. I'll see you later on in the week. 1208 01:09:38,554 --> 01:09:40,222 I've got to get off, I'm with Debs. 1209 01:09:40,305 --> 01:09:43,433 - Yeah, I'll settle up with you when I see you. - Sorted. 1210 01:09:48,647 --> 01:09:50,941 Piss off, Dave. Leaving me to sort it out. 1211 01:09:52,609 --> 01:09:54,820 I want a word with you. Outside. 1212 01:10:01,994 --> 01:10:04,079 She's in the back seat. 1213 01:10:06,290 --> 01:10:07,833 You want me to give her one? 1214 01:10:07,958 --> 01:10:09,626 Yeah. 1215 01:10:09,710 --> 01:10:11,587 Where are you going to be? 1216 01:10:11,712 --> 01:10:13,797 Never you mind. 1217 01:10:14,631 --> 01:10:17,008 What you waiting for? Want some of this? Eh? 1218 01:10:17,134 --> 01:10:19,094 Get in there. 1219 01:10:19,219 --> 01:10:20,887 Come on! 1220 01:10:25,475 --> 01:10:27,769 I'm going to have flat beer because of you. 1221 01:10:28,896 --> 01:10:33,275 If my husband finds out about us... in the back of his car 1222 01:10:33,400 --> 01:10:35,694 doing it doggy-style, 1223 01:10:35,777 --> 01:10:37,654 he'll put me across his knee. 1224 01:10:37,779 --> 01:10:40,156 FERRIS: This is the last time I'm doing this. 1225 01:10:40,282 --> 01:10:42,034 GlRL: Use me. Use me. 1226 01:10:42,159 --> 01:10:44,745 - You're using me. - Shut up, Ferris, you tart. 1227 01:10:44,870 --> 01:10:46,622 Just think of my big fat husband. 1228 01:10:46,747 --> 01:10:49,458 And what he'll do to me if he finds out. 1229 01:10:49,458 --> 01:10:52,169 My big...fat...husband. 1230 01:10:52,252 --> 01:10:53,712 Right. That's it. 1231 01:10:53,837 --> 01:10:55,380 I've had enough of this. 1232 01:10:55,506 --> 01:10:57,383 Ferris? 1233 01:10:57,466 --> 01:10:59,343 - Ferris! (Grunting from car boot) 1234 01:11:01,345 --> 01:11:02,263 Dave. 1235 01:11:03,847 --> 01:11:05,182 Come here! 1236 01:11:09,269 --> 01:11:11,354 What do you think you're doing? 1237 01:11:11,438 --> 01:11:13,857 Tell him, Dave. Tell him to leave me alone. 1238 01:11:13,941 --> 01:11:15,943 This ain't nowt to do wi' me, Ferris. 1239 01:11:16,026 --> 01:11:17,486 Get back in the car, you. 1240 01:11:17,611 --> 01:11:19,279 Dave, I'm asking you to help me. 1241 01:11:19,363 --> 01:11:22,074 - What are you doing, Gordon? - None of your business. 1242 01:11:22,199 --> 01:11:23,659 Dave! 1243 01:11:23,742 --> 01:11:25,744 What? I don't even know what's going on! 1244 01:11:25,827 --> 01:11:28,038 - Keep your mouth shut, Ferris. - No Gordon! 1245 01:11:28,121 --> 01:11:31,041 I don't care if you beat me up, I'm not doing this any more. 1246 01:11:31,166 --> 01:11:34,795 - We'll see about that. - No. If I carry on doing this, stuff like this, 1247 01:11:34,920 --> 01:11:38,340 it's going to put me off sex for life, and that's not going to happen. 1248 01:11:38,465 --> 01:11:40,759 OK? My sex life...is all I've got. 1249 01:11:40,843 --> 01:11:43,679 - I'm not doing it, Gordon. - Yeah, you tell him, Ferris. 1250 01:11:43,762 --> 01:11:48,767 And if you've got a problem with that, me and Dave are going to beat you up, aren't we, Dave? 1251 01:11:48,892 --> 01:11:50,435 Dave? 1252 01:11:50,561 --> 01:11:53,689 Yeah, that's right. D-Don't mess with the potato men. 1253 01:11:53,772 --> 01:11:55,357 You're a pair of fucking idiots! 1254 01:11:55,440 --> 01:11:58,151 Yeah, well, you're locked in the boot of your car. 1255 01:11:58,277 --> 01:12:00,237 You'd better let him out or he'll go mad. 1256 01:12:00,362 --> 01:12:01,822 Yeah, I suppose so. 1257 01:12:01,905 --> 01:12:03,907 You dickhead! 1258 01:12:03,991 --> 01:12:06,494 I opened the boot to show there's no hard feelings! 1259 01:12:06,618 --> 01:12:08,578 Why don't you both just fuck off? 1260 01:12:08,704 --> 01:12:10,456 All right, we will! 1261 01:12:10,581 --> 01:12:12,541 Come on, Dave. 1262 01:12:18,088 --> 01:12:19,840 Gordon's bottle went, didn't it? 1263 01:12:19,965 --> 01:12:23,093 It was when you said, "Don't mess with the potato men." 1264 01:12:23,177 --> 01:12:25,888 Yeah, I wish I hadn't said that now. Sounds stupid. 1265 01:12:26,013 --> 01:12:28,516 You're going to have to get that moped repaired. 1266 01:12:28,599 --> 01:12:32,061 - Yeah, I'll pay for it. - Good. I'm still thinking of buying it. 1267 01:12:32,144 --> 01:12:34,647 Fuck it, I am going to buy it. I'm buying a moped. 1268 01:12:34,771 --> 01:12:38,108 - Is's got a big dent in it. - Don't care. I'm buying a moped. 1269 01:12:46,533 --> 01:12:48,535 Joan? 1270 01:12:49,995 --> 01:12:51,663 What's going on? 1271 01:12:52,789 --> 01:12:55,083 - Not you again? - What do you want, Ferris? 1272 01:12:55,209 --> 01:12:57,294 Nothing. 1273 01:12:57,377 --> 01:12:59,254 I thought you might like to see my moped. 1274 01:13:00,714 --> 01:13:03,217 He's got a massive cock. 1275 01:13:10,724 --> 01:13:12,809 (Chatter) 1276 01:13:21,568 --> 01:13:23,236 (Chink s glass) 1277 01:13:23,362 --> 01:13:25,322 Thank you Er. 1278 01:13:25,447 --> 01:13:28,450 Thank you. Thank s. Erm... 1279 01:13:28,575 --> 01:13:31,369 I just want to say thank s for coming at short notice 1280 01:13:31,495 --> 01:13:35,332 to this occasion to celebrate that me and Shelley have got engaged. 1281 01:13:35,457 --> 01:13:36,792 (Half-hearted cheer) 1282 01:13:37,960 --> 01:13:40,254 Erm... Is's been a whirlwind romance. 1283 01:13:40,337 --> 01:13:42,965 We're both madly in love. 1284 01:13:48,178 --> 01:13:50,972 Shelley's what I've been looking for all my life. 1285 01:13:51,098 --> 01:13:53,809 And she's got what she's always been looking for - 1286 01:13:53,892 --> 01:13:55,352 a potato man. 1287 01:13:56,103 --> 01:13:57,855 (Tolly cheers) 1288 01:13:59,648 --> 01:14:01,608 Seriously... Er...thank s. 1289 01:14:01,733 --> 01:14:04,110 Erm... Here's to me and Shelley. 1290 01:14:05,362 --> 01:14:06,530 ALL: Cheers. 1291 01:14:06,613 --> 01:14:09,741 There's plenty of crisps and nuts if you er...want to er... 1292 01:14:12,369 --> 01:14:14,329 (Guests chatter animatedly ) 1293 01:14:15,372 --> 01:14:17,457 A bit of all right, that Shelley, isn't she? 1294 01:14:17,583 --> 01:14:19,668 She keeps looking over here. 1295 01:14:21,003 --> 01:14:22,796 I think she fancies me. 1296 01:14:22,880 --> 01:14:24,340 Don't be stupid. 1297 01:14:25,174 --> 01:14:27,385 Why can't I find a nice sensible girl like that? 1298 01:14:27,467 --> 01:14:29,761 Yeah, I know. Is's not fair, is it? 1299 01:14:30,929 --> 01:14:32,889 I'm moving my stuff into Tolly's tonight. 1300 01:14:33,015 --> 01:14:36,143 Yeah, you'll like it. He's er... He's got a nice place. 1301 01:14:37,269 --> 01:14:39,897 Is's good timing for me, you moving out and that. 1302 01:14:39,980 --> 01:14:41,982 I needed to move on. 1303 01:14:42,065 --> 01:14:44,985 Start a new chapter. Make a fresh start. 1304 01:14:45,110 --> 01:14:46,570 - Sleeping in the van? - Yeah. 1305 01:14:46,653 --> 01:14:48,113 Be all right. 1306 01:14:49,698 --> 01:14:53,744 Is's only for a couple of nights, though, cos I think I've found somewhere new. 1307 01:14:53,869 --> 01:14:56,580 Is's temporary, but it's better than the van. 1308 01:14:56,663 --> 01:14:58,331 Where's that, then? 1309 01:14:58,457 --> 01:15:00,000 Where? 1310 01:15:02,085 --> 01:15:04,796 Bluey-green's always been my favourite colour. 1311 01:15:05,756 --> 01:15:07,508 Is's very er... 1312 01:15:07,633 --> 01:15:09,301 Is's very nice, Joan. 1313 01:15:09,384 --> 01:15:11,386 And it's see-through. 1314 01:15:11,470 --> 01:15:15,224 Yeah, that reminds me, I'm going to have to trim that hedge. 1315 01:15:16,183 --> 01:15:18,143 Ready for another one? 1316 01:15:18,268 --> 01:15:20,020 Not really. 1317 01:15:20,145 --> 01:15:24,107 I've really got to have a decent break between each one or I'll injure myself. 1318 01:15:24,191 --> 01:15:26,276 I'll do a bit of crazy paving for an hour. 1319 01:15:26,401 --> 01:15:28,987 Sod, the crazy paving, I've got needs! 1320 01:15:29,112 --> 01:15:31,489 Joan, honestly, I'm drained. 1321 01:15:31,615 --> 01:15:33,575 I need to get some fresh air. 1322 01:15:34,535 --> 01:15:35,995 What about a quick shower? 1323 01:15:36,078 --> 01:15:37,538 No thanks! 1324 01:15:48,715 --> 01:15:50,175 Hello, chicken! 1325 01:15:50,259 --> 01:15:52,553 What are you doing? 1326 01:15:52,678 --> 01:15:56,098 Is's so you don't have to walk on t'grass. Is's called crazy paving. 1327 01:15:56,223 --> 01:15:57,975 Is's funny-looking. 1328 01:15:58,100 --> 01:15:59,643 DAVE: It's nice! 1329 01:16:00,602 --> 01:16:02,145 Ferris told me you were here. 1330 01:16:02,271 --> 01:16:04,356 He came rourd to see me 1331 01:16:04,439 --> 01:16:05,690 He's worried about you. 1332 01:16:05,816 --> 01:16:07,568 - Is he? - Yeah 1333 01:16:07,693 --> 01:16:09,778 And he hates living at Tolly's place. 1334 01:16:09,862 --> 01:16:12,156 All them horrible smells...and rats. 1335 01:16:13,949 --> 01:16:15,409 He's got rats. 1336 01:16:15,492 --> 01:16:17,703 Could do with a bit of a clean-up, that place. 1337 01:16:20,080 --> 01:16:22,708 If you come back, I'm not standing for any nonsense. 1338 01:16:22,791 --> 01:16:24,668 I know. 1339 01:16:24,793 --> 01:16:28,213 You're a dad. And that's what you've got to be. 1340 01:16:28,338 --> 01:16:31,049 Yeah, th-that's what I want to do. 1341 01:16:31,133 --> 01:16:32,509 And you've got to help me. 1342 01:16:32,593 --> 01:16:34,261 I will, I swear. 1343 01:16:35,429 --> 01:16:37,181 Come on, Katie. 1344 01:16:37,306 --> 01:16:39,266 We've got to go. 1345 01:16:46,064 --> 01:16:47,732 You coming? 1346 01:16:57,326 --> 01:16:59,286 SUPER PREACHERS: Hands Up 1347 01:17:05,334 --> 01:17:07,002 Hands up! Hands up! 1348 01:17:20,891 --> 01:17:23,477 I was about 13, I think. Late starter. 1349 01:17:23,602 --> 01:17:25,354 12. I was 12. 1350 01:17:25,479 --> 01:17:28,399 What about you, Tolly? When did you have your first wank? 1351 01:17:28,482 --> 01:17:30,567 Oh, er... Half past seven. 1352 01:17:31,401 --> 01:17:34,237 Then another one about...quarter to nine. 1353 01:17:34,947 --> 01:17:36,532 Here's your film back, mate. 1354 01:17:36,615 --> 01:17:40,494 - What's that? Lord Of The Rings? - No, Spunk Guzzlers Drenched In Piss. 1355 01:17:40,577 --> 01:17:41,828 Cheers. 1356 01:17:41,954 --> 01:17:44,123 FERRIS: Porn. You can't beat it. 1357 01:17:44,248 --> 01:17:48,085 They spend millions making normal films with special effects and that. 1358 01:17:48,210 --> 01:17:52,673 I reckon 99% of people would rather watch hardcore porn than any other type of film. 1359 01:17:52,798 --> 01:17:56,552 I think you're right. If you were on a desert island and could only have one film, 1360 01:17:56,635 --> 01:17:59,555 you're not going to want Return Of The Fucking Jedi, are you? 1361 01:17:59,680 --> 01:18:01,557 You want one with a bird in it 1362 01:18:01,640 --> 01:18:04,059 with a nice juicy fanny and a big pair of tits. 1363 01:18:04,142 --> 01:18:05,602 Is's common sense, isn't it? 1364 01:18:05,727 --> 01:18:06,853 You know what I'd like? 1365 01:18:06,979 --> 01:18:09,690 I'd like to be able to detach my knob, take it right off, 1366 01:18:09,773 --> 01:18:12,818 then I could get both ends sucked at once. 1367 01:18:14,069 --> 01:18:17,281 I'd like to get a giant panda, kill it, then fuck it. 1368 01:18:18,323 --> 01:18:20,325 Why do you want to do that? 1369 01:18:20,409 --> 01:18:22,912 Dave, if you don't kill it, it's going to bite you! 1370 01:18:23,036 --> 01:18:25,330 They, like, maul you, pandas. 1371 01:18:26,456 --> 01:18:30,210 I think it's all that black-and-white fur and that great big arse. 1372 01:18:32,212 --> 01:18:34,172 Has anyone seen my dog? 1373 01:18:36,800 --> 01:18:39,094 DEXY'S MIDNIGHT RUNNERS: Come On, Eileen 1374 01:19:01,617 --> 01:19:02,743 Come on, Eileen 1375 01:19:10,792 --> 01:19:12,043 Come on, Eileen 1376 01:19:16,298 --> 01:19:19,843 Poor old Johnny Ray 1377 01:19:20,469 --> 01:19:22,680 Sounded sad upon the radio 1378 01:19:22,763 --> 01:19:25,391 Moved a million hearts in mono 1379 01:19:25,474 --> 01:19:29,019 Our mothers cried 1380 01:19:29,561 --> 01:19:31,938 And sang along, who'd blame them? 1381 01:19:34,149 --> 01:19:36,443 You're grown You're grown up 1382 01:19:36,527 --> 01:19:38,612 So grown So grown up 1383 01:19:38,737 --> 01:19:41,031 Now I must say more than ever 1384 01:19:42,366 --> 01:19:43,325 Come or Eileen 1385 01:19:43,408 --> 01:19:49,789 Toora loora, toora loo rye aye 1386 01:19:49,873 --> 01:19:55,712 We can sing just like our fathers 1387 01:19:55,838 --> 01:19:57,381 Come on, Eileen 1388 01:19:57,506 --> 01:19:59,466 Oh, I swear Well he means 1389 01:19:59,591 --> 01:20:01,676 At this moment 1390 01:20:01,760 --> 01:20:04,054 You mean everything 1391 01:20:04,179 --> 01:20:05,931 With you in that dress 1392 01:20:06,056 --> 01:20:08,016 My thoughts I confess 1393 01:20:08,141 --> 01:20:10,226 Verge on dirty 1394 01:20:10,310 --> 01:20:12,938 Oh, come on, Eileen 1395 01:20:21,363 --> 01:20:22,823 Come on, Eileen 1396 01:20:26,577 --> 01:20:30,664 These people round here 1397 01:20:30,747 --> 01:20:33,375 Wear beaten-down eyes sunk in smoke-dried faces 1398 01:20:33,458 --> 01:20:35,543 So resigned to what their fate is 1399 01:20:35,669 --> 01:20:37,629 But not us No never. 1400 01:20:37,754 --> 01:20:40,048 No, not us No never. 1401 01:20:40,132 --> 01:20:42,551 We are far too youg and clever 1402 01:20:43,385 --> 01:20:44,303 Remember 1403 01:20:44,428 --> 01:20:51,101 Go, toora loora, toora loo rye aye 1404 01:20:51,185 --> 01:20:56,941 Eileen, I'll hum this tune for ever 1405 01:20:57,024 --> 01:20:58,275 Come on, Eileen 1406 01:20:58,400 --> 01:21:00,569 Oh, I swear Well he means 1407 01:21:00,694 --> 01:21:05,490 Oh, come on, let's take off everything 1408 01:21:05,574 --> 01:21:07,034 That pretty red dress 1409 01:21:07,159 --> 01:21:09,119 Eileen Tell him yes 1410 01:21:09,244 --> 01:21:11,204 Oh, come on, let's 1411 01:21:11,330 --> 01:21:13,707 Oh, come on, Eileen 1412 01:21:13,832 --> 01:21:15,584 That pretty red dress 1413 01:21:15,709 --> 01:21:17,669 Eileen Tell him yes 1414 01:21:17,794 --> 01:21:19,546 Oh, come on, let's 1415 01:21:19,671 --> 01:21:24,759 Oh, come on, Eileen, please 1416 01:21:25,719 --> 01:21:29,765 Come or Eileen too loo rye aye 1417 01:21:30,182 --> 01:21:33,727 Come or Eileen too loo rye aye 1418 01:21:33,852 --> 01:21:35,604 Now you are grown Toora 1419 01:21:35,729 --> 01:21:38,106 Now you have shown Toora too loora 1420 01:21:38,232 --> 01:21:41,444 Oh, Eileen 1421 01:21:41,568 --> 01:21:46,031 Said, you're grown Come or Eileen too loo rye aye 1422 01:21:46,156 --> 01:21:49,493 So grown Come or Eileen too loo rye aye 1423 01:21:49,576 --> 01:21:52,704 Now I must say more than ever Toora toora too loora 1424 01:21:52,829 --> 01:21:54,789 Things round here will change 1425 01:21:54,915 --> 01:21:57,918 I said, toora loora Come on Eileen too loo rye aye 1426 01:21:58,043 --> 01:22:00,546 Toora loo rye aye Come or Eileen too loo rye aye 1427 01:22:00,629 --> 01:22:02,506 Toora toora too loora 1428 01:22:04,091 --> 01:22:05,634 Come on, Eileen 1429 01:22:05,759 --> 01:22:07,719 Oh, I swear Well he means 1430 01:22:07,845 --> 01:22:09,597 At this moment 1431 01:22:09,721 --> 01:22:11,806 You mean everything 1432 01:22:11,890 --> 01:22:13,683 With you in that dress 1433 01:22:13,767 --> 01:22:15,644 My thoughts I confess 1434 01:22:15,769 --> 01:22:17,521 Verge on dirty 1435 01:22:17,646 --> 01:22:20,357 Oh, come on, Eileen 1436 01:22:20,440 --> 01:22:22,025 Come on, Eileen