1
00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:42,043
- ( Traffic blaring )
-( birds chirping)

2
00:00:46,346 --> 00:00:49,418
- ( switch clicks)
- ( static buzzes)

3
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Announcer:
Now, more "Morning Sickness"

4
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:54,365
with Dicky and Sludge.

5
00:00:54,521 --> 00:00:57,365
Dicky: 7:35 a.m.,
that's 35 minutes past the hour,

6
00:00:57,524 --> 00:00:59,401
25 minutes
till the top of the hour--

7
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,267
- ( rooster crowing )
- Sludge: Hey, Dicky,

8
00:01:01,428 --> 00:01:03,305
we got a real live celebrity
in here with us.

9
00:01:03,463 --> 00:01:05,238
- Dicky: Yes, we do.
- Sludge: You all know him

10
00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:07,242
- from the "Bro Show"--
- Dicky: "Bro Show"!

11
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:10,746
Sludge: "Dude, Where's My Beer?"
and "Dude, Where's My Beer? 4."

12
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Ladies and gentlemen,
Bruce Madsen is here!

13
00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:16,087
- Dicky, Sludge: Bruce!
- Yeah, hey.

14
00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:18,223
- So, Bruce, how are you, man?
- Good, good, man.

15
00:01:18,378 --> 00:01:21,257
The last time I saw you, Bruce,
you were with all those celebrities,

16
00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:22,826
you were raising barns.

17
00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:24,826
- What was the name of that show?
- "Celebrity Barn Raising."

18
00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:27,226
"Celebrity Barn Raising."
I loved it.

19
00:01:27,387 --> 00:01:30,493
But there was that mulatto chick.
Oh, my God, what was her name?

20
00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:31,761
I don't think you can say
"mulatto."

21
00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:35,236
-( laughing )
- ( alarm blares)

22
00:01:35,395 --> 00:01:39,502
Hey, Bruce Madsen will be
at Hilarities Thursday through Sunday.

23
00:01:39,666 --> 00:01:41,839
Jack Taylor--
what is going on with that guy?

24
00:01:42,002 --> 00:01:44,278
- He's "en fuego."
- On fire, he is.

25
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- ( Alarm bell ringing )
- So what about your old partner, man?

26
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,280
He's hosting the Emmys.
What's the deal?

27
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:51,980
- This guy can't stop, right?
- He's, you know, a talented guy.

28
00:01:52,145 --> 00:01:54,625
- I knew it when I met him.
-A long time ago, huh?

29
00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:55,953
Bruce:
Yeah, I said, "This is the guy."

30
00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,424
Do you, like,
ask him for loans?

31
00:01:57,584 --> 00:01:59,154
( Stammers )
No, I-- I-- well, you know, we--

32
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That's what I would do.
I'd be like, "Dude"--

33
00:02:00,854 --> 00:02:03,664
"Dude, where's my money?"
( laughing )

34
00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:07,169
I'm happy doing what I'm doing,
he's happy doing what he's doing,

35
00:02:07,327 --> 00:02:09,466
- and, you know, God bless him.
- And what are you doing?

36
00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:12,543
- I'm doing stand-up, like, you know--
- That's what I hear.

37
00:02:12,699 --> 00:02:16,647
- So, you had this amazing career in TV.
- Mm-hmm.

38
00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:18,510
You obviously did
tons of comedy before.

39
00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:20,208
- Now you're going back to your roots.
- Yeah.

40
00:02:20,374 --> 00:02:22,854
Well, you know, I started off
as a stand-up,

41
00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:26,150
and I drifted away
from my roots for a while...

42
00:02:26,313 --> 00:02:28,725
- Dicky: You drifted.
- Bruce: ...and I wanted to get back

43
00:02:28,882 --> 00:02:30,122
on the road with the fans.

44
00:02:30,283 --> 00:02:31,694
That's where the electricity is.

45
00:02:31,852 --> 00:02:34,662
You know, and I wanted
to experience that rush again.

46
00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:36,562
( Snoring )

47
00:02:36,723 --> 00:02:38,725
( music playing )

48
00:02:41,962 --> 00:02:43,964
♪ That truck
is going somewhere ♪

49
00:02:44,131 --> 00:02:47,305
♪ I just can't be sure ♪

50
00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:50,311
♪ And tomorrow's just a day ♪

51
00:02:50,470 --> 00:02:53,314
♪ After all that's gone before ♪

52
00:02:53,473 --> 00:02:56,386
♪ And I always thought
of leaving ♪

53
00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:58,921
♪ I never could stay too long ♪

54
00:02:59,079 --> 00:03:01,491
♪ Now her memory's
catching up ♪

55
00:03:01,648 --> 00:03:04,754
♪ And our sweet dreams
are all gone ♪

56
00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:10,766
♪ Like dust
down a country road ♪

57
00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:16,340
♪ Blowing in the wind
behind an ol' truckload ♪

58
00:03:16,496 --> 00:03:21,844
♪ Up before the rooster crowed ♪

59
00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:25,040
♪ There's an old dog staring
at the dust ♪

60
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:30,211
♪ Dust down a country road ♪

61
00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:36,521
♪ Blowing in the wind
behind an ol' truckload ♪

62
00:03:36,683 --> 00:03:41,723
♪ Up before the rooster crowed ♪

63
00:03:43,356 --> 00:03:47,236
♪ There's an old dog staring at the dust
down a country road ♪

64
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♪ God, there's an old dog staring
at the dust down a country road. ♪

65
00:03:55,936 --> 00:03:59,383
Addison, Texas,
see the rodeo's in town, yeah?

66
00:03:59,539 --> 00:04:01,746
- ( Cheering )
- I like the bull riding.

67
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:03,581
We should all be
more like the bull, man.

68
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,587
We should all be wired
like that bull,

69
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:08,090
'cause that bull is living
in the moment, man.

70
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,250
He's living for today.
I mean, think about us.

71
00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:13,955
All we really are
is just an accumulation

72
00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:17,432
of every shitty thing that's
ever happened to us before today.

73
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:20,435
I don't remember getting married.
I remember getting divorced.

74
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:23,074
I don't remember when I got
my television show picked up,

75
00:04:23,230 --> 00:04:24,971
I remember
when it was cancelled.

76
00:04:25,132 --> 00:04:27,738
I just remember the bad shit.

77
00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:29,505
-( laughter)
- But think about the bull.

78
00:04:29,669 --> 00:04:31,910
It's just sitting there, cooped up
in that aluminum pen,

79
00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:35,281
and he's like, "God damn it,
I gotta get free, man!"

80
00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:39,254
And then at some point,
a 140-pound racist from Wyoming

81
00:04:39,412 --> 00:04:42,950
gets lowered down onto his back,
and the bull's confused.

82
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:45,289
The bull's like, "What the fuck
has happened up there?

83
00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:47,796
What is that?
Shit, there's somebody on me!"

84
00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:50,025
And then that guy
pulls on the rope

85
00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:53,034
and the bull goes, "Fuck, that guy
just yanked on my ballsack!"

86
00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:54,433
( laughter)

87
00:04:54,594 --> 00:04:56,437
"Oh, my God,
am I gonna kill this guy."

88
00:04:56,596 --> 00:04:59,008
And the bull's like, "Oh, man,
if anyone was stupid enough

89
00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:01,669
to ever let me out of this cage,
I would-- what?

90
00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:04,873
The door's open?
Holy shit, it's killing time.

91
00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:08,781
I'm going to take this horn,
I'm gonna punch it through your sternum,

92
00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:10,819
I'm gonna wear you
like a maxi pad."

93
00:05:10,977 --> 00:05:14,891
And at the last second,
some guy in Wrangler "shants"

94
00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:18,825
and Robin Williams suspenders
with rainbow paint on his face

95
00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:21,727
pops out and goes,
"Hey, bull, over here!"

96
00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:24,459
And the bull's like,
"Huh?"

97
00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:29,973
"Well, I was gonna-- well,
I guess I'll kill this guy instead."

98
00:05:30,130 --> 00:05:32,667
Imagine if every shitty thing
that happened to you,

99
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,335
you just had a rodeo clown for.

100
00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:35,673
"What's that, honey?
You want a divorce?"

101
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:37,042
"Hey, look over here!"

102
00:05:37,204 --> 00:05:40,583
"What? Huh?
What were we talking about?

103
00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:44,517
You're fucking my brother?
I don't-- there was a clown."

104
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:49,184
Career's going in the fucking toilet,
agent not returning my phone calls,

105
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:53,195
I'm doing six shows
in a shitbox in Addison, Texas.

106
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,663
Hey, I got a rodeo clown!

107
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( laughter)

108
00:06:00,727 --> 00:06:02,604
Oh, sweetie, I gotta go.

109
00:06:02,762 --> 00:06:04,867
I love you, too.
Okay.

110
00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:07,511
- Hey, great set. Wow.
- Thanks.

111
00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:09,203
So, listen.
Gotta tell you, though,

112
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,542
sad that we didn't quite make
our guarantee.

113
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:15,016
We didn't make "our" guarantee?
I have a guarantee.

114
00:06:15,175 --> 00:06:17,451
I made my guarantee
when I got on the Southwest flight

115
00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:18,715
and came to Addison, Texas.

116
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:21,359
- Yeah, but think about how we did.
- We sold out.

117
00:06:21,514 --> 00:06:23,084
Sold out Friday,
we sold out Saturday.

118
00:06:23,250 --> 00:06:24,593
Whoa, whoa-- early shows, okay?

119
00:06:24,751 --> 00:06:26,890
Now, the late shows,
eh, about two-thirds.

120
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:29,397
I gave a lot of radio comps
to get people in the seats,

121
00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:30,626
and we both know about tonight.

122
00:06:30,790 --> 00:06:32,770
- You were there.
- ( sighs )

123
00:06:33,860 --> 00:06:35,396
Oh, fuck.

124
00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:38,543
Mark, I had
an $8,000 guarantee.

125
00:06:38,698 --> 00:06:40,575
Yeah, which we did not make.

126
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:43,544
Listen, don't worry about it.
You'll do better next time.

127
00:06:43,703 --> 00:06:45,410
"Next time"?

128
00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:47,415
Oh, there's not gonna be
a next time, Mark.

129
00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:51,488
L-- I guarantee
there's not gonna be a next time.

130
00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:54,216
Do you know that you're booked
for the second week in August?

131
00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:57,993
Tender?

132
00:06:58,151 --> 00:07:00,153
(Spanish music playing )

133
00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:04,429
You gotta learn the definition
of "guarantee" and "tender."

134
00:07:05,725 --> 00:07:07,727
(whirring )

135
00:07:10,497 --> 00:07:13,103
Hey!
"Bro Show"!

136
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:15,576
"Bro Show"
was some funny shit.

137
00:07:15,735 --> 00:07:17,908
- Thank you.
- What you been up to, man?

138
00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:19,607
- I'm working.
- Just chillin'?

139
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:21,446
Don't worry.
Something will come up.

140
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:23,144
(whirring )

141
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:35,460
Announcer: ...kicks off a huge weekend
with a lot of divisional rivalries.

142
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:38,796
Somebody's going to the playoffs
and somebody's staying home.

143
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:41,530
Man: When your mother tells you
to clean your room--

144
00:07:41,695 --> 00:07:43,868
Announcer #2:
iBienvenidos, hombres!

145
00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:47,773
ISe trata de la "Bro Show"!

146
00:07:47,934 --> 00:07:51,313
(dubbed voice
speaking Spanish )

147
00:07:54,874 --> 00:07:57,878
Dubbed voice: Me llamo Jack.
Mi mejor amigo es--

148
00:07:58,044 --> 00:08:00,217
Announcer #3: What happens
when you mix baked goods with murder?

149
00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:03,657
- Joann Fluke knows.
- All right, that's it, thank you.

150
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:06,320
That was our first-ever
prime time special.

151
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,329
I hope you guys
had a very good time.

152
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:10,297
That was the fastest
two hours of my life.

153
00:08:10,457 --> 00:08:11,492
And you know what?

154
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:13,001
That was the greatest
10 years of my life.

155
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:15,161
I want to thank my guests
George Clooney,

156
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:18,332
I wanna thank Zooey Deschanel,
Jamie Foxx, Robert Downey, Jr.,

157
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:21,308
but most importantly,
I wanna thank you.

158
00:08:21,468 --> 00:08:22,913
You have made
the "Jack Taylor Show"

159
00:08:23,069 --> 00:08:25,310
the number one
late-night talk show.

160
00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:30,148
From the bottom of my heart,
thank you for doing this for me.

161
00:08:30,310 --> 00:08:32,688
( Applause, cheering )

162
00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:12,560
(fan whirring )

163
00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:17,394
(classical music playing )

164
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:20,595
- How was the room, Mr. Madsen?
- Exquisite.

165
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,068
Great.

166
00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:24,299
All right, if you could just review this
and sign down there

167
00:09:24,464 --> 00:09:27,604
and then we'll just put a charge on
the card you left when you checked in.

168
00:09:27,767 --> 00:09:30,611
It's charging 250 for cleaning?

169
00:09:30,770 --> 00:09:33,717
Yes. We are a 100%
smoke-free environment.

170
00:09:33,873 --> 00:09:37,753
You initialed the box saying that
you would not smoke in the room.

171
00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:40,892
Yeah, I-- I don't smoke.
I didn't smoke.

172
00:09:41,047 --> 00:09:43,584
Well, housekeeping did detect
some smoke in the room, so...

173
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:46,754
When I came in,
I did smell something,

174
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,661
like somebody
had been smoking,

175
00:09:48,822 --> 00:09:51,826
like-- ahem- you know,
like secondhand smoke.

176
00:09:51,991 --> 00:09:54,301
It's a courtesy to the next family
who's gonna be in the room.

177
00:09:54,461 --> 00:09:57,135
Right, but maybe they're smokers, too.
Maybe they like it.

178
00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:58,776
Maybe they like
fluffing the pillow, going,

179
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:01,276
( sniffs )
"Finally, some nicotine," you know?

180
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:03,414
You could just take that off,
you know.

181
00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:05,140
No, I'm sorry, sir, I can't.

182
00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:07,148
You had guaranteed
with your signature

183
00:10:07,307 --> 00:10:09,309
- that you would pay the cleaning fee.
- Right, guaranteed.

184
00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:10,955
- "Guarantee "
- I'm sorry, sir.

185
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,749
Word's been coming up a lot
for me lately.

186
00:10:12,912 --> 00:10:15,119
We are a 100%
smoke-free facility.

187
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:17,818
Okay, I beat off 46 times
when I was in that room.

188
00:10:17,984 --> 00:10:19,088
46 times.

189
00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:21,630
If you asked a family,
"What would you rather have?

190
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:24,826
Guy smokes half a light cigarette
in the bathroom

191
00:10:24,991 --> 00:10:27,870
or middle-aged
frustrated comedian

192
00:10:28,027 --> 00:10:31,133
attempts to shatter
his high school jack-off record?"

193
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:34,437
The bedspread
looks like a Jackson Pollock.

194
00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:36,877
You understand?
But that's free?

195
00:10:37,036 --> 00:10:39,141
No box to check for jacking off?

196
00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:43,879
So, half a light cigarette--
that's $250?

197
00:10:44,043 --> 00:10:45,283
- Your signature, sir--
- Ma'am, would you rather

198
00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:47,686
stay in a room where a guy
just smoked half a cigarette

199
00:10:47,847 --> 00:10:49,827
or tried to jack himself
to death?

200
00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:54,890
Okay. You know what?
You're 100% smoke-free?

201
00:10:55,054 --> 00:10:56,328
- Mm-hmm.
- I don't know.

202
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:59,663
Maybe it's not quite that high.
Yeah-- you're not 100%.

203
00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:01,328
- Sir, please.
- No, I'm gonna smoke

204
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:03,838
and then you'll be down
to, what, the high 80s?

205
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,671
But not 100.
It can't be 100.

206
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:08,676
I'm gonna smoke, all right?

207
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:13,416
Ah...

208
00:11:13,573 --> 00:11:14,984
It's relaxing.

209
00:11:15,141 --> 00:11:16,711
Should we just charge
the second cleaning fee

210
00:11:16,876 --> 00:11:18,913
to the credit card
we have on file?

211
00:11:39,666 --> 00:11:41,339
Hey, Molly.

212
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,242
Miss me, girl?

213
00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:45,849
How you feeling?

214
00:11:46,005 --> 00:11:47,951
Hanging in there?

215
00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:35,990
( Pop music playing )

216
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:43,631
Sweetie, can you unlock
the door for me?

217
00:12:43,796 --> 00:12:46,902
No. You're not allowed
in here.

218
00:12:47,066 --> 00:12:50,775
Harper, unlock this door
right now

219
00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:53,315
and let me into my house.

220
00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:01,255
- ( Clicks )
- Tina?

221
00:13:01,414 --> 00:13:04,020
You're such a pain in the ass,
Harper.

222
00:13:04,183 --> 00:13:07,460
- Hey, Dad.
- Hi, sweetheart.

223
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,531
Kim told us
not to let you in.

224
00:13:09,689 --> 00:13:11,293
Does your mom
tell all your friends

225
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:14,301
not to let me into my house
that I paid for?

226
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:16,269
We're under pretty strict orders.

227
00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:18,306
Did you tell him?

228
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:20,808
We both got into USC.

229
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,280
Oh, great, USC.

230
00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:25,313
The super expensive
private school?

231
00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:26,814
What is that,
like, 50 grand a year?

232
00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:29,385
It's actually $60,000 a year.

233
00:13:29,542 --> 00:13:31,453
Harper, don't you have
something else to do?

234
00:13:31,611 --> 00:13:34,114
Facebook?
lnstagramming?

235
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,123
Cutting yourself?

236
00:13:36,282 --> 00:13:38,057
( Music stops )

237
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:42,357
What happened to our plan
to go into UCLA for free?

238
00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:45,128
Dad, I was totally
on board with that plan.

239
00:13:45,291 --> 00:13:48,829
- So what happened?
- Turns out UCLA wasn't.

240
00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:52,169
You're female, you're a minority,
you're a straight-A student.

241
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:53,640
They gotta take you.

242
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,802
Apparently,
I'm not a minority at UCLA.

243
00:13:55,968 --> 00:13:58,175
Turns out the place
is crawling with Asians.

244
00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:01,012
We need to find a school
that needs Asians.

245
00:14:02,575 --> 00:14:04,248
Pack your bags.
We're going to Grambling.

246
00:14:04,410 --> 00:14:07,516
- Mom wants me to stay local.
- I need a beer.

247
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,489
Come on, Dad.
Don't get me in trouble.

248
00:14:09,649 --> 00:14:12,858
Don't feel like you need to be loyal
to your mom, you know.

249
00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:14,362
We were looking
through those brochures,

250
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,000
she was eyeballing
the Romanian kid.

251
00:14:17,156 --> 00:14:19,193
What's with the O'Doul's?
Where's Chad's Blue Moon?

252
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,771
I think he's on some kind
of master cleanse.

253
00:14:22,829 --> 00:14:24,775
Well, I wish he'd marry
your mother

254
00:14:24,931 --> 00:14:26,842
and stop the "master cleanse"
of my wallet.

255
00:14:26,999 --> 00:14:29,036
And by the way,
I don't trust this Chad.

256
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:30,875
He's a bad influence.

257
00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:33,517
A shaky role model.

258
00:14:33,673 --> 00:14:36,051
I hate the idea that you're living
under the same roof

259
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:38,849
as a guy who drinks
nonalcoholic beer.

260
00:14:39,011 --> 00:14:40,888
He's gross, too.

261
00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:43,527
I walked in on him
masturbating in the bathroom.

262
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:46,596
- Did he know you were at home?
- No, I came home early.

263
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:49,859
Eh, let's--

264
00:14:50,022 --> 00:14:51,467
let's not rush to judgment
on that one.

265
00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:54,537
I mean, Chad's a lot of things,
but we'll give him a pass.

266
00:14:54,694 --> 00:14:57,106
I've also been accepted
to three other schools,

267
00:14:57,263 --> 00:14:59,072
but they're pretty far away.

268
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:02,145
And Mom likes the idea of USC
because I can sleep in my own bed

269
00:15:02,301 --> 00:15:04,474
- whenever I wanted.
- Of course your mom likes USC.

270
00:15:04,637 --> 00:15:06,913
She's like a waiter suggesting
"surf and turf."

271
00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,110
It's the most expensive thing
on the menu.

272
00:15:09,275 --> 00:15:13,746
- Harper: She's going to USO.
- Fuck off, Harper.

273
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:16,723
I've actually been offered a pretty
sweet scholarship from Bennington.

274
00:15:16,883 --> 00:15:18,089
For the violin?

275
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:20,595
I haven't played the violin
since I was nine.

276
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:23,632
And they still offered you
a scholarship?

277
00:15:23,790 --> 00:15:25,963
- That's unbelievable.
- It's for something I wrote,

278
00:15:26,125 --> 00:15:29,504
but Mom would be pretty bummed
if I moved across the country.

279
00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:31,471
She's gonna be disappointed
no matter what.

280
00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:34,510
I suggest we all stop
tiptoeing around her

281
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:36,510
like a cat on a hot tin roof,
you know?

282
00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:38,307
We all just have to step up
and look her in the eye.

283
00:15:38,471 --> 00:15:39,745
- ( Door opens )
- I mean, that's what I do.

284
00:15:39,906 --> 00:15:41,408
Woman:
Hello! We're home!

285
00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:43,144
- Uh, shit. Okay, I gotta--
-( door closes)

286
00:15:43,309 --> 00:15:45,585
. Oh..
- Bye, Dad.

287
00:15:45,745 --> 00:15:47,656
Okay.
Don't tell her I was here.

288
00:15:47,814 --> 00:15:49,816
Harper:
Bruce is in the house again!

289
00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:52,319
( Door closes )

290
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:55,827
I knew it!

291
00:15:55,988 --> 00:15:57,467
I knew you'd be in the house.

292
00:15:57,623 --> 00:15:59,296
What are you gonna do,
call the Feds?

293
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:02,269
Good luck making that case.
I pay the property taxes.

294
00:16:02,428 --> 00:16:04,135
Hey, half of that
is Kim's money.

295
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:08,973
L-- listen, Chad, can we just talk,
man to barnacle?

296
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:13,011
Bruce: How long you been
living in my house?

297
00:16:13,172 --> 00:16:16,153
- Three and a half years?
-41 months.

298
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:18,812
Is that less
than three and a half years?

299
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:22,152
It's more-- it's less.

300
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:24,693
You sell jewelry on eBay, right?

301
00:16:24,851 --> 00:16:26,990
Custom jewelry
and dream catchers.

302
00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:29,791
I gotta get me
one of those dream catchers.

303
00:16:29,956 --> 00:16:31,128
Those things work.

304
00:16:31,290 --> 00:16:33,566
You caught my dream
of living in my house.

305
00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:35,535
You can sell that crap
anywhere, right?

306
00:16:35,695 --> 00:16:38,869
Hell, yeah.
I'd like to do it in Montana.

307
00:16:39,031 --> 00:16:41,477
Okay, so you don't need
to be in LA.

308
00:16:41,634 --> 00:16:46,344
See, my business forces me
to live in Los Angeles.

309
00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:47,746
You know, Bruce,

310
00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:50,854
for someone who says
they have to be in LA,

311
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:53,854
I've noticed you spend
a lot of time not in LA.

312
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:57,893
That house is worth five times
what I paid for it.

313
00:16:58,050 --> 00:17:00,758
Now, if you can
convince Kim to sell it,

314
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:04,026
I'd be happy to let you
wet your bald beak.

315
00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:06,761
Kim and I don't have
any secrets,

316
00:17:06,926 --> 00:17:09,270
and this is not going to be
one of them.

317
00:17:10,930 --> 00:17:12,671
So this is--

318
00:17:12,832 --> 00:17:15,836
this is gonna be one of the secrets
or not gonna be one of the secrets?

319
00:17:16,002 --> 00:17:17,675
No secrets.

320
00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:20,215
"No secrets."
Okay.

321
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:21,716
Does Kim know about the time

322
00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:24,218
my daughter walked in
on you beating off?

323
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:27,051
That's an Iroquois purging ritual.

324
00:17:27,213 --> 00:17:29,454
Yeah, and this is
a fucking Leinenkugel.

325
00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:31,617
(yells)
Iroquois purging ritual!

326
00:17:32,852 --> 00:17:35,093
You should be comfortable
with your own body!

327
00:17:43,129 --> 00:17:45,302
(jazz music playing )

328
00:17:45,464 --> 00:17:48,240
- Michael.
- Hey!

329
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:50,403
- What's up, man?
- Where's Phil?

330
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,311
I don't know.
I've been here for a while.

331
00:17:52,471 --> 00:17:54,917
Bruce:
Oh. Thanks.

332
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:57,987
Black guy beats a Jew to a deli?
This is a first.

333
00:17:58,144 --> 00:18:02,092
This isn't the first time
I arrived before Phil, okay?

334
00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:04,057
Oh, no. We've been
coming here for 15 years.

335
00:18:04,216 --> 00:18:07,595
You've been here before Phil
one time and one time only.

336
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:10,097
And that's when you forgot
to set your clock back.

337
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:12,133
All right, come on.
Let's hear it.

338
00:18:12,291 --> 00:18:15,295
Black men-- fastest people
on the planet, right?

339
00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:17,933
Slowest pedestrians.

340
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:21,943
Listen, don't try
your racist material on me.

341
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,808
I'm sure it killed
at the Klan meeting.

342
00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:26,007
You know what I do
when I'm not onstage?

343
00:18:26,172 --> 00:18:27,276
I'm my real self.

344
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,284
I don't try material out
on people

345
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:31,979
- and use funny voices.
- Understood.

346
00:18:32,144 --> 00:18:34,420
- You see the new waitress?
- No "Maya Angelou."

347
00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:36,287
Waitress?
Ahem.

348
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,622
I would like a BLT--

349
00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:41,196
"Belief, Love and Trust."

350
00:18:41,354 --> 00:18:44,460
Light on the mayo,
heavy on the pride.

351
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:45,967
Freedom.

352
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,298
Okay, BLT.
And for you?

353
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:50,771
Spanish omelet,
and then our friend's gonna join us.

354
00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:53,968
- Just get him a bagel and lox.
- I'll put that right in.

355
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:58,013
My child, I dream of the day
when salt and pepper

356
00:18:58,170 --> 00:19:02,641
will one day live in harmony
and share the same shaker.

357
00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:05,311
Salt, pepper, and Tabasco

358
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:07,515
will not have to be
segregated,

359
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:10,786
like they are now
on the prison yard.

360
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:14,328
Okay.
I'll put that order in.

361
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:17,525
Carry on.
She got it. She got it.

362
00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:20,193
She doesn't know Maya Angelou.
She thinks you're fucking retarded.

363
00:19:20,359 --> 00:19:22,168
- Phil: Hey!
- Michael: Mr. Producer.

364
00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:24,035
- Bruce: Hey, Captain Sitcom.
- Phil: Good news!

365
00:19:24,196 --> 00:19:26,301
Bruce: Oh, it's always
good news with Phil, isn't it?

366
00:19:26,465 --> 00:19:29,173
- Bulgaria is in.
- Oh, my God.

367
00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:30,678
You think the road we do sucks?

368
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:33,180
Have fun in Bulgaria,
Daddy Warbucks.

369
00:19:33,339 --> 00:19:34,682
Oh, I don't have to go anymore.

370
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:36,842
They just adapt the show
and send the checks.

371
00:19:38,811 --> 00:19:40,916
But... you had to go
to Russia, right?

372
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:42,491
Yeah, that was miserable.

373
00:19:42,648 --> 00:19:44,924
But then you don't have to go
to Bulgaria?

374
00:19:45,084 --> 00:19:47,587
Well, we just e-mailed them
the old scripts,

375
00:19:47,753 --> 00:19:49,426
and they wire us the money.

376
00:19:49,588 --> 00:19:51,158
Now I have to kill myself.

377
00:19:51,323 --> 00:19:52,700
Hey, enough already
about "Right Behind You."

378
00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:55,031
Finally, enough about
your crappy sitcom.

379
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:56,901
How about this guy?
Did you tell him?

380
00:19:57,063 --> 00:19:58,167
What?

381
00:19:58,330 --> 00:20:00,537
We were talking about stuff
more important.

382
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:02,202
Like what?
What's more important?

383
00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:06,373
- Maya Angelou. Ahem.
- Well, tell him.

384
00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:08,382
Well, you tell him.

385
00:20:09,775 --> 00:20:11,880
Michael's pilot is getting shot.

386
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:14,888
I told you--
"Milk Chocolate"?

387
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:18,688
It's about the only black dairy farmer
in 1960s Wisconsin.

388
00:20:18,851 --> 00:20:20,626
It's like "Green Acres"
meets "Good Times."

389
00:20:20,786 --> 00:20:23,130
I thought that was a joke.
I thought you were kidding.

390
00:20:23,289 --> 00:20:25,769
You're fucking serious
about this?

391
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:27,029
Why didn't you tell me?

392
00:20:27,193 --> 00:20:29,799
Well, I was gonna tell you,
but I know how depressed you are

393
00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:31,737
when you come off the road,

394
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:33,638
and I didn't wanna throw it
in your face.

395
00:20:33,799 --> 00:20:36,541
You didn't think I could handle it.
You didn't think I'd be happy for you?

396
00:20:36,702 --> 00:20:39,205
_ Are You?
<i>'</i> Yes!

397
00:20:39,371 --> 00:20:41,783
No!
I mean, I--

398
00:20:41,941 --> 00:20:43,648
I don't know.

399
00:20:43,809 --> 00:20:45,618
I just-- you know what?

400
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:49,757
I'm not even hungry anymore.
Just eat my food.

401
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:51,417
I gotta talk to Baby Doll.

402
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:52,995
Sir, I beseech you,

403
00:20:53,152 --> 00:20:56,895
do not throw thyself
on the "swo-ward" of despair.

404
00:20:57,890 --> 00:20:59,892
- ( Doorbell jingles)
- Uh, now that it's just the two of us,

405
00:21:00,059 --> 00:21:01,561
can you move over there?

406
00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:03,968
Come on, man.

407
00:21:27,853 --> 00:21:30,129
I All out like Jenny
did the Super Bowl ♪

408
00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:32,360
♪ All in on these hos
like I'm D Roll ♪

409
00:21:32,525 --> 00:21:34,835
♪ You niggas bug me,
I look better in my street clothes ♪

410
00:21:34,994 --> 00:21:36,098
♪ Pull up... ♪

411
00:21:36,262 --> 00:21:38,970
(doorbell rings)

412
00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:45,547
( knocking )

413
00:21:48,007 --> 00:21:49,987
(thumping )

414
00:21:54,780 --> 00:21:57,283
(whirring )

415
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:01,355
(whirring )

416
00:22:04,190 --> 00:22:05,863
( whirring stops )

417
00:22:06,025 --> 00:22:07,163
Baby Doll, hi.

418
00:22:07,326 --> 00:22:09,533
Let me just get rid of someone
on the phone who isn't you.

419
00:22:09,695 --> 00:22:10,799
( Chuckles )

420
00:22:10,963 --> 00:22:13,671
- Bruce: Listen, I'm standing out--
-( beeps )

421
00:22:20,506 --> 00:22:21,985
- ( beeps )
- Sorry.

422
00:22:22,141 --> 00:22:24,519
Had to just get rid of someone
who's not you.

423
00:22:24,677 --> 00:22:27,419
- Bruce: Really? Who?
- Well, that was another client.

424
00:22:27,580 --> 00:22:29,423
The more important thing is
he's not you.

425
00:22:29,582 --> 00:22:31,562
I know everyone
on your roster, Baby Doll.

426
00:22:31,717 --> 00:22:33,162
- Who was it?
- He's not you.

427
00:22:33,319 --> 00:22:34,764
He's not as tall as you.

428
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:37,491
- Who was it?
- Never mind who was it.

429
00:22:37,656 --> 00:22:40,364
Stop with "Who was it?"
It's someone who's not you.

430
00:22:40,526 --> 00:22:42,199
It's someone
who's not funny like you.

431
00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:43,897
Really?
You know I can see you?

432
00:22:44,063 --> 00:22:47,237
You're wearing your stupid
Keith Partridge wig.

433
00:22:48,701 --> 00:22:51,545
Hey, baby doll!
( chuckles )

434
00:22:51,704 --> 00:22:54,514
- I saw what you did!
- Guess we don't need these anymore.

435
00:22:54,673 --> 00:22:55,708
( Beeps )

436
00:22:55,875 --> 00:22:59,186
So you pretend to have someone
on the other line?

437
00:22:59,345 --> 00:23:01,552
That's your move?

438
00:23:01,714 --> 00:23:04,558
- I do it for you.
- For me? You do it for me?

439
00:23:04,717 --> 00:23:08,187
It's like the boxing trainer
who calls all his fighters "Champ."

440
00:23:08,354 --> 00:23:11,563
- It boosts their confidence.
- You didn't do it five years ago.

441
00:23:11,724 --> 00:23:13,795
You didn't need it
five years ago.

442
00:23:13,959 --> 00:23:17,065
I gotta get off the road.
You gotta get me off the road.

443
00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:19,368
It's killing me.
What happened to those deals?

444
00:23:19,531 --> 00:23:22,239
Remember the holding deals?
Development deals?

445
00:23:22,401 --> 00:23:24,108
Remember those deals
where you just stayed home

446
00:23:24,270 --> 00:23:25,908
and you made a bunch of money
for doing nothing?

447
00:23:26,071 --> 00:23:28,574
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

448
00:23:28,741 --> 00:23:31,221
It was staring me in the face
the whole time.

449
00:23:31,377 --> 00:23:33,823
You know what you should do?
You should open for Howie.

450
00:23:33,979 --> 00:23:35,788
Howie Mandel loves you.

451
00:23:35,948 --> 00:23:37,928
That's right, you'd be
the opening act for Howie.

452
00:23:38,083 --> 00:23:41,155
You know why? It's on the road,
but it's the road done right.

453
00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:43,926
The only problem with that
is I'm a thousand times

454
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:46,433
fucking funnier
than Howie Mandel.

455
00:23:46,592 --> 00:23:49,596
( Chuckles )
Really?

456
00:23:49,762 --> 00:23:51,935
You think the Who opens
for Air Supply?

457
00:23:52,097 --> 00:23:55,237
Okay, and that makes you the Who
in this analogy?

458
00:23:55,401 --> 00:23:57,438
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm the Who.
- Howie is the Who.

459
00:23:57,603 --> 00:23:59,640
- Howie's not the Who.
- Maybe you are the Who.

460
00:23:59,805 --> 00:24:02,979
Last time I pitched you
at a network, they said, "Who?"

461
00:24:03,142 --> 00:24:04,780
( laughs )

462
00:24:05,778 --> 00:24:08,088
Baby Doll,
you're fucking insane.

463
00:24:08,247 --> 00:24:09,920
I'm insane?

464
00:24:10,082 --> 00:24:12,289
You're sitting
in a handmade house.

465
00:24:12,451 --> 00:24:14,431
You see the new Jaguar in the driveway
when you walked in?

466
00:24:14,586 --> 00:24:16,793
'Course you did.
You want it? 'Course you do.

467
00:24:16,956 --> 00:24:19,960
You know who's up in my bed
right now? Everyone.

468
00:24:20,125 --> 00:24:23,595
You should be thrilled
because you draw so well on the road.

469
00:24:23,762 --> 00:24:25,639
It's 'cause I used to be on TV.

470
00:24:25,798 --> 00:24:27,106
But I don't wanna go
on the road anymore,

471
00:24:27,266 --> 00:24:28,540
so I wanna get back on TV.

472
00:24:28,701 --> 00:24:30,476
So get me back on TV.

473
00:24:30,636 --> 00:24:33,515
Look, don't worry.
We'll come up with something.

474
00:24:33,672 --> 00:24:35,015
I always do.

475
00:24:35,174 --> 00:24:37,279
Now, come on.

476
00:24:37,443 --> 00:24:39,821
You know why you came here?
Let's see it.

477
00:24:39,979 --> 00:24:43,153
Bring it in here.
( chuckles )

478
00:24:43,315 --> 00:24:45,522
Baby Doll:
My guy. Hey...

479
00:24:45,684 --> 00:24:47,561
does one of us
have a hard-on?

480
00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:50,826
( Buzzing )

481
00:24:50,990 --> 00:24:52,799
- Kim: So...
- ( buzzing stops )

482
00:24:52,958 --> 00:24:55,302
...you were
in the house again?

483
00:24:55,461 --> 00:24:58,237
- I was in my house.
- Let me tell you something.

484
00:24:58,397 --> 00:25:01,844
If you'd spent a little less time
out here when we were married,

485
00:25:02,001 --> 00:25:04,572
you might still be living
in the house.

486
00:25:04,737 --> 00:25:08,514
I spoke to Tina and she said
that you were encouraging her

487
00:25:08,674 --> 00:25:11,177
to go to school
3,000 miles away.

488
00:25:11,343 --> 00:25:14,347
I was encouraging her
to go to a school I could afford.

489
00:25:14,513 --> 00:25:18,586
- She wants to go to USC.
- Well, USC is 60 grand a year.

490
00:25:18,751 --> 00:25:21,231
( Sighs )
Well, can't you get another TV show?

491
00:25:21,387 --> 00:25:23,560
Another TV show?

492
00:25:23,722 --> 00:25:25,531
Why didn't I think of that?

493
00:25:25,691 --> 00:25:28,194
Well, maybe you need to start
thinking more creatively.

494
00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:31,705
I mean, look at that guy--
that-- that-- "Tosh.0" guy.

495
00:25:31,864 --> 00:25:33,571
- Look at him.
- Thanks for making my point.

496
00:25:33,732 --> 00:25:37,703
I gotta compete with every
23-year-old YouTube Internet star

497
00:25:37,870 --> 00:25:39,440
and his talking fucking orange.

498
00:25:39,605 --> 00:25:40,709
What do they need me for?

499
00:25:40,873 --> 00:25:42,546
Well, you better think
of something, okay?

500
00:25:42,708 --> 00:25:44,710
'Cause I'm not having
my little girl-- my baby--

501
00:25:44,877 --> 00:25:47,414
go to school
3,000 miles away.

502
00:25:47,579 --> 00:25:49,354
Right, because you wouldn't
be able to justify

503
00:25:49,515 --> 00:25:52,553
living in <i>5,500</i> square feet
with "Lord Sitar."

504
00:25:52,718 --> 00:25:54,095
What are you talking about?

505
00:25:54,253 --> 00:25:56,130
Sell.
Just sell.

506
00:25:56,288 --> 00:25:57,926
You're living in a giant ATM

507
00:25:58,090 --> 00:26:01,230
and the PIN code
is "Move your ass out."

508
00:26:01,393 --> 00:26:04,067
(Sighs)

509
00:26:04,229 --> 00:26:06,869
This is Tina's home, okay?

510
00:26:07,032 --> 00:26:09,911
And I am not selling it
out from under her.

511
00:26:10,069 --> 00:26:13,107
- So this is just about Tina?
- Yes, it is.

512
00:26:14,106 --> 00:26:16,916
Okay.
By the way, you look different.

513
00:26:17,076 --> 00:26:19,078
Did you do something
to your hair?

514
00:26:22,081 --> 00:26:25,392
- Well--
- ( saw buzzing )

515
00:26:28,253 --> 00:26:29,288
Attendant: May we have your attention?
We'd like to point out

516
00:26:29,455 --> 00:26:30,957
our safety features.
To properly fasten your seat belts...

517
00:26:31,123 --> 00:26:32,227
- Bruce: Hey.
- Hey.

518
00:26:32,391 --> 00:26:33,893
I think you're in my seat.

519
00:26:34,059 --> 00:26:35,970
Oh, am I?
I kinda like the window.

520
00:26:36,128 --> 00:26:37,266
Are you cool
with my sitting here?

521
00:26:37,429 --> 00:26:39,773
- What's the difference, right?
- Thanks very much, man.

522
00:26:39,932 --> 00:26:42,105
- I appreciate it.
- We're going to the same place.

523
00:26:42,267 --> 00:26:45,111
- ( Sighs )
<i>'</i> ( my grunts)

524
00:26:45,270 --> 00:26:46,840
( chuckles )

525
00:26:47,005 --> 00:26:51,249
- Come here, baby.
- ( growling )

526
00:26:51,410 --> 00:26:52,650
Good boy.

527
00:26:54,446 --> 00:26:58,087
- Do you like dogs?
- Yeah, I love dogs.

528
00:26:58,250 --> 00:27:01,026
In yards... on the ground,
you know?

529
00:27:01,186 --> 00:27:03,962
That's normally where he likes to be.
He doesn't like to be confined.

530
00:27:04,123 --> 00:27:06,103
This is Raffles.
He's a service dog.

531
00:27:06,258 --> 00:27:08,465
What's the service
he provides?

532
00:27:08,627 --> 00:27:11,506
- He's an antianxiety dog.
- Bruce: Mm-hmm.

533
00:27:11,663 --> 00:27:14,041
He helps you.
See how he's just calm?

534
00:27:14,199 --> 00:27:16,805
Yeah. You just want to fly
with your pet, right?

535
00:27:16,969 --> 00:27:18,107
No, he's certified.

536
00:27:18,270 --> 00:27:19,681
- He's a working--
- He's "certified."

537
00:27:19,838 --> 00:27:23,149
You gave your doctor $50
and he certified him.

538
00:27:25,010 --> 00:27:27,650
You don't even know my dog.
I mean, you barely even met.

539
00:27:27,813 --> 00:27:29,190
- ( Toy squeaks )
- Well, what about my anxiety?

540
00:27:29,348 --> 00:27:31,828
I have anxiety about flying with dogs.
How about that?

541
00:27:31,984 --> 00:27:33,657
I get a service pelican?

542
00:27:33,819 --> 00:27:36,629
Hey, I want you to meet Gilligan,
my service pelican.

543
00:27:36,788 --> 00:27:39,200
What about
when the dog defecates?

544
00:27:39,358 --> 00:27:41,338
He's gotta defecate
at some point, right?

545
00:27:41,493 --> 00:27:44,406
- What happens when you defecate, sir?
- I don't shit in the aisle.

546
00:27:44,563 --> 00:27:47,009
Aw, looks like we have a cute little
furry traveler with us today.

547
00:27:47,166 --> 00:27:49,578
Say hi. Hi!
(coos)

548
00:27:49,735 --> 00:27:52,682
Sir, I'm gonna need you to go ahead
and stow the backpack on the floor

549
00:27:52,838 --> 00:27:54,647
underneath the seat
in front of you. Thanks.

550
00:27:54,806 --> 00:27:56,581
- ( Toy squeaks )
- So, I gotta put the backpack

551
00:27:56,742 --> 00:27:58,653
under the seat in front of me,

552
00:27:58,810 --> 00:28:02,485
but the furry, farting,
Lyme disease-spreading,

553
00:28:02,648 --> 00:28:04,184
shedding mutt--

554
00:28:04,349 --> 00:28:06,260
that can just stay on the gut
the whole flight?

555
00:28:09,188 --> 00:28:11,259
- Can we switch back?
- I'm good.

556
00:28:11,423 --> 00:28:14,893
Bruce: How's the batting average
with the hotel key card?

557
00:28:15,060 --> 00:28:17,165
For me, way under 50%.

558
00:28:17,329 --> 00:28:18,535
Are you guys
optimistic like me

559
00:28:18,697 --> 00:28:20,677
where you punch it in,
you pull it out,

560
00:28:20,832 --> 00:28:23,870
the red light comes on and you go,
"Fuck it, I'm going anyway"?

561
00:28:24,036 --> 00:28:25,538
- ( laughter)
- It's just like "ka-chunk."

562
00:28:25,704 --> 00:28:29,015
Like, "What?
ll didn't work?"

563
00:28:29,174 --> 00:28:32,883
And then you do this move--
"I'll just wipe this bad boy."

564
00:28:33,045 --> 00:28:36,026
Oh, yeah.
10 seconds of super denim.

565
00:28:36,181 --> 00:28:38,957
Now it's gonna spring to life.
Push it in, pull it out again.

566
00:28:39,117 --> 00:28:41,893
Red light again.
"Ka-chunk." Doesn't work.

567
00:28:42,054 --> 00:28:43,863
And you know they're gonna
make it your fault.

568
00:28:44,022 --> 00:28:47,868
- Key card's networking.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

569
00:28:48,026 --> 00:28:51,735
The cell phone will demagnetize
the little strip on the key card.

570
00:28:51,897 --> 00:28:54,605
So if you can,
you wanna keep those things

571
00:28:54,766 --> 00:28:56,074
apart from one another.

572
00:28:56,235 --> 00:28:58,442
- Do you carry a cell phone?
- Cell phone?

573
00:28:59,871 --> 00:29:01,873
I don't believe
I know what that is.

574
00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:04,816
Oh, it's one of those kind
that don't have the cord on it?

575
00:29:04,977 --> 00:29:08,390
I think I have one, but I don't--
I don't bring it outside the house.

576
00:29:08,547 --> 00:29:10,493
Why would you want
one of those when you travel?

577
00:29:10,649 --> 00:29:12,595
And then she tosses it
back on you again.

578
00:29:12,751 --> 00:29:14,594
Do you have a credit card
in your wallet?

579
00:29:14,753 --> 00:29:17,233
I have a credit card.
It's in a Mason jar.

580
00:29:17,389 --> 00:29:19,926
It's buried in my backyard.
I don't travel with it.

581
00:29:20,092 --> 00:29:22,436
( Chuckles )
I wasn't born yesterday.

582
00:29:22,594 --> 00:29:25,939
You wanna try and keep those
apart from one another, if you can.

583
00:29:26,098 --> 00:29:27,805
"You know what?
You're right, sweetheart.

584
00:29:27,966 --> 00:29:31,607
I really should have just
duct-taped it to a mop handle...

585
00:29:31,770 --> 00:29:35,308
and carried it over my fucking head
when I went out to dinner that night."

586
00:29:35,474 --> 00:29:36,578
And this one...

587
00:29:36,742 --> 00:29:38,016
You might have used it
too quickly.

588
00:29:38,176 --> 00:29:40,349
- Did you go straight to your room?
- Oh, boy.

589
00:29:40,512 --> 00:29:43,118
I got egg on my face.
I went right to the room.

590
00:29:43,282 --> 00:29:45,626
I'm one of these maniacs that
when you say, "There's your elevator.

591
00:29:45,784 --> 00:29:49,027
You're on the fifth floor,"
I just go to the elevator.

592
00:29:49,187 --> 00:29:50,791
"Normally
when I check in,

593
00:29:50,956 --> 00:29:53,197
you know, I'll hit
a local homeless shelter,

594
00:29:53,358 --> 00:29:56,305
maybe swing by the park
and blow a tranny.

595
00:29:56,461 --> 00:29:58,099
You're right, I should have killed
at least seven hours

596
00:29:58,263 --> 00:30:00,174
before I had any business
going to my fucking room

597
00:30:00,332 --> 00:30:01,868
and beating--
I mean, taking a nap."

598
00:30:02,034 --> 00:30:04,344
(audience laughing )

599
00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:11,621
And my agent said I need to get
my eyebrows waxed, you know.

600
00:30:11,777 --> 00:30:14,383
Or-- sorry, my eyebrow waxed,
you know,

601
00:30:14,546 --> 00:30:17,049
so I have two of 'em
when I go out on auditions.

602
00:30:17,215 --> 00:30:20,719
So I went
into the waxing place.

603
00:30:20,886 --> 00:30:22,661
They said, "What shape
do you want them in?"

604
00:30:22,821 --> 00:30:24,391
And I said, "What do you mean?"

605
00:30:24,556 --> 00:30:26,695
They said, "We'll shape 'em.
What shape do you want 'em in?"

606
00:30:26,858 --> 00:30:31,000
And I said, "Oh, just shape 'em
<i>so</i> it looks like I'm interested."

607
00:30:31,163 --> 00:30:32,574
( laughter)

608
00:30:32,731 --> 00:30:35,575
You know, that way,
when my wife comes home

609
00:30:35,734 --> 00:30:38,180
and starts telling me
about her coworker with a cat,

610
00:30:38,337 --> 00:30:40,908
- you know, I'm already--
- Bruce, you're divorced.

611
00:30:41,073 --> 00:30:43,053
Yeah.

612
00:30:43,208 --> 00:30:46,018
- I guess it didn't work.
-( laughter)

613
00:30:47,879 --> 00:30:49,756
Here you go.

614
00:30:49,915 --> 00:30:52,987
You know, my son,
he loves those "Bro Show" DVDs.

615
00:30:53,151 --> 00:30:55,654
I bet you get a nice slice
of that action?

616
00:30:55,821 --> 00:30:58,165
You'd think
if you'd create and star

617
00:30:58,323 --> 00:31:00,826
in a show that you get a nickel
on the back end?

618
00:31:00,992 --> 00:31:03,529
No. I make a fucking penny
on those things.

619
00:31:03,695 --> 00:31:07,165
But you know that. I'm here.
I'm playing your shitbox, right?

620
00:31:07,332 --> 00:31:09,539
Hey, guess what.
Thejob ain't over.

621
00:31:09,701 --> 00:31:12,204
You gotta do a meet-and-greet
with those radio contest winners.

622
00:31:12,371 --> 00:31:13,543
Aw, fuck.

623
00:31:13,705 --> 00:31:15,912
- All right, let's get this over with.
- Come on.

624
00:31:18,043 --> 00:31:20,387
There you go.
Right over here.

625
00:31:25,550 --> 00:31:28,394
Well!
This is a surprise.

626
00:31:28,553 --> 00:31:30,965
- Look at you.
- Great show. I'm Sarah.

627
00:31:31,123 --> 00:31:32,898
Yeah. I'm Bruce.

628
00:31:33,058 --> 00:31:35,561
You're-- you're the contest winner.

629
00:31:35,727 --> 00:31:37,206
- ( Bottles rattling )
- I'm actually--

630
00:31:37,362 --> 00:31:39,239
( yelling )
"Bro Show"!

631
00:31:39,398 --> 00:31:41,537
- Oh, my God.
- Is this the winner?

632
00:31:41,700 --> 00:31:44,044
- That's her.
- Yeah, Bruce!

633
00:31:44,202 --> 00:31:46,409
- Makes sense. Yeah.
- ( woman moans)

634
00:31:46,571 --> 00:31:49,575
Hey, if you don't shit,
you don't have to wash your hands.

635
00:31:49,741 --> 00:31:52,381
I'm Jane.
I learned that from the "Bro Show."

636
00:31:52,544 --> 00:31:54,387
- And she's drunk.
- She's drunk?

637
00:31:54,546 --> 00:31:56,253
- But I love you.
- All right, but you own it.

638
00:31:56,415 --> 00:31:58,918
So what did they make you do, 'cause
you gotta jump through some hoops

639
00:31:59,084 --> 00:32:02,429
to win those tickets--
like "caller 107."

640
00:32:02,587 --> 00:32:04,897
No, I just called in.

641
00:32:05,056 --> 00:32:08,333
But, like, hair-trigger
finger dial, pow!

642
00:32:08,493 --> 00:32:10,598
Like you gotta jump on it, right?

643
00:32:10,762 --> 00:32:13,675
- No, I just called in.
- Bruce: "For the phrase that pays."

644
00:32:13,832 --> 00:32:16,438
No. I got home,
I made some salsa,

645
00:32:16,601 --> 00:32:17,978
and they said,
"Do you want six?"

646
00:32:18,136 --> 00:32:21,982
And I was like,
"Pfft! No! Two is good."

647
00:32:22,140 --> 00:32:23,949
- They offered you six tickets?
- Yeah.

648
00:32:24,109 --> 00:32:27,283
Jane: I just called 'em up, you know?
They wanted- my mom--

649
00:32:27,446 --> 00:32:29,119
- I understand that now. Okay.
- Okay.

650
00:32:30,115 --> 00:32:34,530
- You guys are an unlikely duo.
- Yeah. We used to work together.

651
00:32:34,686 --> 00:32:36,927
I had to drag her out.
Like, she don't wanna come.

652
00:32:37,088 --> 00:32:39,466
- I had to drag her with me.
- Bruce: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

653
00:32:39,624 --> 00:32:42,298
- Jane: She had a good time.
- Now I'll be driving us home.

654
00:32:42,461 --> 00:32:46,603
After you come to the bar
and get a drink.

655
00:32:46,765 --> 00:32:48,472
- Jane: Huh? Come on. No?
- No, no, no.

656
00:32:48,633 --> 00:32:50,943
It's a really long drive.
We should get going.

657
00:32:51,102 --> 00:32:54,777
- This one lives in the sticks.
- Oh, yeah. I live in New Hampshire.

658
00:32:54,940 --> 00:32:57,614
New Hampshire?
No state income tax.

659
00:32:57,776 --> 00:32:59,722
Yeah, that's right,
the "Live Free or Die" state.

660
00:32:59,878 --> 00:33:01,983
Right, but I'm guessing
about midwinter,

661
00:33:02,147 --> 00:33:05,026
the second choice
seems like a better option.

662
00:33:05,183 --> 00:33:06,662
- All right.
- Sarah: Here we go.

663
00:33:06,818 --> 00:33:08,820
Okay. You gonna come by
my house?

664
00:33:08,987 --> 00:33:10,557
Okay, come on.
Nice to meet you.

665
00:33:10,722 --> 00:33:11,826
- Bruce: All right. Hey.
- Jane: Bye.

666
00:33:11,990 --> 00:33:14,129
- Good to meet you.
- Jane: I love you.

667
00:33:17,562 --> 00:33:19,371
- ( Door shuts )
- Bruce: Hey, buddy.

668
00:33:19,531 --> 00:33:20,839
Hey!

669
00:33:20,999 --> 00:33:23,070
There he is.
My man!

670
00:33:23,235 --> 00:33:24,714
So good to see ya.

671
00:33:24,870 --> 00:33:27,544
Wow, my gosh,
you look thin.

672
00:33:27,706 --> 00:33:29,549
Airline portions.

673
00:33:29,708 --> 00:33:32,314
Hey, we should get a steak
at Mastro's soon.

674
00:33:32,477 --> 00:33:34,479
Let's do it. Any night.
I'm free.

675
00:33:34,646 --> 00:33:36,557
Not now. You know, another time
when I'm not so slammed.

676
00:33:36,715 --> 00:33:37,989
- I'm really busy. Yeah.
- Right.

677
00:33:38,149 --> 00:33:39,822
Hey, have a seat.
Have a seat, sit down.

678
00:33:39,985 --> 00:33:41,555
Sit down, my man.

679
00:33:42,721 --> 00:33:44,826
So, what do I owe the pleasure?

680
00:33:44,990 --> 00:33:47,197
I need a favor.

681
00:33:47,359 --> 00:33:48,997
All right,
how much do you need?

682
00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:51,071
- I don't need money.
- You don't need money?

683
00:33:51,229 --> 00:33:52,765
I heard you were living
in your garage.

684
00:33:52,931 --> 00:33:56,003
It's a garage, but I turned it
into a guest house.

685
00:33:56,167 --> 00:33:57,874
I just wanna be close to Tina.

686
00:33:58,036 --> 00:33:59,845
No, I was just thinking...

687
00:34:00,005 --> 00:34:01,450
you know,
I got a ton of new material

688
00:34:01,606 --> 00:34:03,779
and it's been forever
since I've been on your show.

689
00:34:04,876 --> 00:34:07,186
Yeah, definitely.
Definitely.

690
00:34:07,345 --> 00:34:09,052
Let me-- let me run it
up the flagpole, okay?

691
00:34:09,214 --> 00:34:10,852
But you're the flagpole.

692
00:34:11,016 --> 00:34:14,964
No. Hey, man, when we moved to 11 :30,
everything changed.

693
00:34:15,120 --> 00:34:16,428
Everything goes
through the network now.

694
00:34:16,588 --> 00:34:18,033
The network is the flagpole.

695
00:34:18,189 --> 00:34:20,294
But I'll tell you what.
I'll run it up the network flagpole.

696
00:34:20,458 --> 00:34:22,597
- Sit tight. You comfortable?
- Yeah.

697
00:34:22,761 --> 00:34:25,207
You should be, man.
You're my man.

698
00:34:26,565 --> 00:34:29,205
- ( Phone ringing )
- ( door shuts)

699
00:34:43,582 --> 00:34:44,788
( door opens )

700
00:34:44,950 --> 00:34:46,987
Jack: They're so much heavier
than you think they're gonna be.

701
00:34:47,152 --> 00:34:49,996
- Yeah.
- My man, I have great news.

702
00:34:50,155 --> 00:34:52,260
So what night
are we talking about?

703
00:34:52,424 --> 00:34:54,267
What night?

704
00:34:54,426 --> 00:34:55,769
Every night.

705
00:34:55,927 --> 00:34:56,962
Every night?

706
00:34:57,128 --> 00:34:58,505
You come to work
on the "Jack Taylor Show"

707
00:34:58,663 --> 00:34:59,767
every single night,

708
00:34:59,931 --> 00:35:01,933
Monday through Friday--
every night.

709
00:35:03,768 --> 00:35:04,974
Cohost?

710
00:35:09,107 --> 00:35:10,177
Announcer?

711
00:35:10,342 --> 00:35:11,616
It's the "Jack Taylor Show."

712
00:35:11,776 --> 00:35:13,653
I'll just be like a sniper
in the weeds

713
00:35:13,812 --> 00:35:15,291
just throwing in zingers.

714
00:35:15,447 --> 00:35:16,983
I meant more-- you come--

715
00:35:17,148 --> 00:35:20,960
okay, you-- you do stand-up
before the show.

716
00:35:21,119 --> 00:35:24,123
On your feet, telling jokes
in front of a live audience,

717
00:35:24,289 --> 00:35:26,462
you know, audience--
audience warm-up guy.

718
00:35:26,625 --> 00:35:29,299
You want me to warm up
your audience?

719
00:35:29,461 --> 00:35:30,701
Of course.
I'd be honored.

720
00:35:30,862 --> 00:35:32,637
Audience warm-up guys
make a lot of money, Bruce.

721
00:35:32,797 --> 00:35:34,140
( Scoffs )

722
00:35:34,299 --> 00:35:36,301
You want me to be
your fluff er, Jack?

723
00:35:36,468 --> 00:35:38,141
That's fucking humiliating.

724
00:35:38,303 --> 00:35:40,146
I can't believe this is
how you look at me.

725
00:35:40,305 --> 00:35:42,342
I don't look at you
that way, Bruce.

726
00:35:42,507 --> 00:35:45,317
- That's how the business looks at you.
- Then fuck the business.

727
00:35:46,511 --> 00:35:47,990
I don't get you, man.

728
00:35:48,146 --> 00:35:50,285
( Stammering )
You think this business

729
00:35:50,448 --> 00:35:52,018
is like a "punt, pass, and kick"
competition

730
00:35:52,183 --> 00:35:54,060
where all that matters is being funnier
than everybody else.

731
00:35:54,219 --> 00:35:56,130
Isn't that what it's about,
being funny?

732
00:35:56,287 --> 00:35:57,891
Wake the fuck up, Bruce.

733
00:35:58,056 --> 00:36:01,162
Funny has, like, a little bit
to do with it- this much.

734
00:36:01,326 --> 00:36:03,465
It's like the figure skating
compulsories.

735
00:36:03,628 --> 00:36:06,006
You go around, you do a figure eight,
yeah, that's cool.

736
00:36:06,164 --> 00:36:08,735
But what you're judged on
in this business is the long program.

737
00:36:08,900 --> 00:36:11,506
You're using figure skating
analogies, Jack?

738
00:36:11,670 --> 00:36:14,879
- You've changed, buddy.
- You haven't, Bruce.

739
00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:17,077
You never wanted
to put in the work.

740
00:36:17,242 --> 00:36:18,585
The real work...

741
00:36:18,743 --> 00:36:19,983
of building a career.

742
00:36:20,145 --> 00:36:22,182
So instead, what do you do?
You hide behind your rebel flag?

743
00:36:22,347 --> 00:36:25,021
You're fucking
"Cliché Guevara," man.

744
00:36:25,183 --> 00:36:27,060
I'm offering you a job, Bruce.

745
00:36:27,218 --> 00:36:29,095
It's a good job.

746
00:36:29,254 --> 00:36:30,426
Take the job!

747
00:36:30,588 --> 00:36:32,534
Audience warm-up?

748
00:36:32,691 --> 00:36:34,500
I'd rather kill myself.

749
00:36:34,659 --> 00:36:39,165
- Who wants Jelly Bellies?
- ( cheering )

750
00:36:41,166 --> 00:36:44,443
Sir, I can see you brought
your own jelly belly.

751
00:36:45,537 --> 00:36:49,178
Are you a big Jack Taylor fan?

752
00:36:49,340 --> 00:36:52,344
Not really.
I'm just here to see Rise Against.

753
00:36:52,510 --> 00:36:55,013
Just here to see the band, huh?

754
00:36:55,180 --> 00:36:56,215
( Audience booing )

755
00:36:56,381 --> 00:36:59,385
Not here to see
my buddy Jack Taylor, huh? All right.

756
00:36:59,551 --> 00:37:02,054
Well, I'll ask Jack
to power through the monologue

757
00:37:02,220 --> 00:37:04,200
so we can get the band
out here for ya.

758
00:37:04,355 --> 00:37:08,064
Yeah, and while you're at it,
be sure to ask him for another job.

759
00:37:08,226 --> 00:37:10,866
Like, maybe he needs
his balls waxed.

760
00:37:11,029 --> 00:37:12,064
- ( laughter)
- Crowd: Oh!

761
00:37:12,230 --> 00:37:14,232
All right, yeah,
that's good stuff

762
00:37:14,399 --> 00:37:17,573
coming from a guy
who's wearing Crocs.

763
00:37:17,736 --> 00:37:19,147
The thing about Crocs is, uh...

764
00:37:19,304 --> 00:37:21,079
it's a lot like being blown
by a dude.

765
00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:25,051
It feels great until you look down
and realize you're gay.

766
00:37:25,210 --> 00:37:26,951
Hey, fuck you, man!

767
00:37:27,112 --> 00:37:29,149
- My brother's gay.
- Relax, chill out.

768
00:37:29,314 --> 00:37:30,759
- ( Mic feedback squeals)
- ( audience gasps)

769
00:37:30,915 --> 00:37:33,919
(grunting )

770
00:37:34,085 --> 00:37:35,655
( audience gasps )

771
00:37:35,820 --> 00:37:37,595
(grunts)

772
00:37:40,258 --> 00:37:41,794
Announcer: Are you guys
ready for your headliner?

773
00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:43,166
( Cheering, applause )

774
00:37:43,328 --> 00:37:44,932
You will recognize him
from the "Bro Show"

775
00:37:45,096 --> 00:37:47,133
and his many appearances
on "Jack Taylor Live."

776
00:37:47,298 --> 00:37:49,437
He was a nationally syndicated
radio show host.

777
00:37:49,601 --> 00:37:51,603
He was a "New York Times"
best-selling author.

778
00:37:51,770 --> 00:37:54,444
You may remember him
from "Dude, Where's My Beer?"

779
00:37:54,606 --> 00:37:57,746
He is the voice of Toe Jam on
Saturday morning's "Rumpus Rompers."

780
00:37:57,909 --> 00:38:02,358
He was named by "Rolling Stone"
as a top-100 comedian of 1999.

781
00:38:02,514 --> 00:38:04,687
Please give a warm
"Wonkers" welcome

782
00:38:04,849 --> 00:38:07,261
to the first runner-up
on "Celebrity Barn Raising,"

783
00:38:07,418 --> 00:38:10,490
- Mr. Bruce Madsen!
- ( cheering, applause )

784
00:38:13,625 --> 00:38:15,627
Thank you, thank you.

785
00:38:15,794 --> 00:38:18,138
- ( Man whistling )
- Thanks so much for coming--

786
00:38:18,296 --> 00:38:19,536
coming out with, uh...

787
00:38:21,032 --> 00:38:22,875
What do we got going here?

788
00:38:23,034 --> 00:38:26,038
Oh, uh, the hearing impaired.

789
00:38:26,204 --> 00:38:28,150
Do you just say whatever I say?

790
00:38:28,306 --> 00:38:29,944
So I just say "cocksucker" and...

791
00:38:30,108 --> 00:38:31,519
(audience laughs)

792
00:38:31,676 --> 00:38:33,155
I just say cocksucker and...

793
00:38:33,311 --> 00:38:35,484
( laughter)

794
00:38:35,647 --> 00:38:37,285
You... Huh?

795
00:38:37,448 --> 00:38:39,155
( laughter)

796
00:38:39,317 --> 00:38:41,160
Bruce:
Come on.

797
00:38:41,319 --> 00:38:43,458
I like my balls tickled.

798
00:38:43,621 --> 00:38:45,157
Look at this guy.
No wonder he's not laughing.

799
00:38:45,323 --> 00:38:47,132
He doesn't know
what's going on right now.

800
00:38:47,292 --> 00:38:48,327
All right, I'm gonna move on.

801
00:38:48,493 --> 00:38:51,406
I wanna see some laughing out of him.
You better step up your game.

802
00:38:51,563 --> 00:38:52,667
Ceiling fans.

803
00:38:52,831 --> 00:38:56,870
Could we put a little LED light
on these motherfucking devices

804
00:38:57,035 --> 00:38:59,982
so I can tell when it was shut off
versus on slow

805
00:39:00,138 --> 00:39:02,243
versus on vortex
versus on medium.

806
00:39:02,407 --> 00:39:06,549
Why does it even have the goddamn mode
where it moves no air?

807
00:39:06,711 --> 00:39:08,315
Shouldn't it just have
medium and high?

808
00:39:08,479 --> 00:39:11,358
Do we need
the "not doing anything"

809
00:39:11,516 --> 00:39:15,658
adding ambiance to me beating off
in my bedroom?

810
00:39:15,820 --> 00:39:17,561
(audience laughing )

811
00:39:20,024 --> 00:39:21,662
Sucking my own cock.

812
00:39:24,062 --> 00:39:28,841
Don't. Don't short-trip my junk
with that move.

813
00:39:29,000 --> 00:39:31,037
That's fly fishing.
That's not cocksucking.

814
00:39:31,202 --> 00:39:33,705
All right, now listen,
I'm just saying this.

815
00:39:33,872 --> 00:39:36,375
This guy's not fucking cracked
a smile the whole night.

816
00:39:36,541 --> 00:39:39,283
I've seen more movement
out of an ice sculpture.

817
00:39:39,444 --> 00:39:41,355
Guy's been a fucking
cigar-store Indian

818
00:39:41,512 --> 00:39:44,550
dipped in liquid nitrogen
and hung in outer space.

819
00:39:44,716 --> 00:39:47,560
What I'm saying is--
is are you screwing my jokes up?

820
00:39:47,719 --> 00:39:50,529
Don't ask him if you're screwing up.
I'm asking you.

821
00:39:50,688 --> 00:39:52,531
What are you doing?

822
00:39:52,690 --> 00:39:53,794
I'm trying.

823
00:39:53,958 --> 00:39:55,460
You're trying,
but, I mean, do you...

824
00:39:56,961 --> 00:39:59,771
Why isn't he laughing?

825
00:39:59,931 --> 00:40:03,606
- I can't make you funny.
-( laughter, applause)

826
00:40:05,236 --> 00:40:07,580
- ( dance music playing )
- Cheers, whoa!

827
00:40:07,739 --> 00:40:09,241
- Yay.
- This is the last one, though.

828
00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:11,978
- What?
- Come on. Such a baby.

829
00:40:15,146 --> 00:40:16,921
- Damn, that's good.
- Bartender.

830
00:40:17,081 --> 00:40:18,583
<i>Whoa!</i>

831
00:40:18,750 --> 00:40:21,321
Isn't that that guy
from that show?

832
00:40:22,620 --> 00:40:24,600
Oh, my God,
that's totally that guy

833
00:40:24,756 --> 00:40:27,828
from, like, that--
the "Celebrity Barn" thing?

834
00:40:27,992 --> 00:40:30,734
No, no, that's that guy,
that, uh, "Bro Show" guy.

835
00:40:30,895 --> 00:40:31,930
That's it!
That's it!

836
00:40:32,096 --> 00:40:34,440
- Hey, yo. yo!
- Women: "Bro Show"!

837
00:40:34,599 --> 00:40:36,579
- 0h, my God!
- What's up?

838
00:40:36,734 --> 00:40:38,236
Our husbands
totally love that show.

839
00:40:38,403 --> 00:40:40,280
Except for Margaret's,
but he's bi, though.

840
00:40:40,438 --> 00:40:43,442
Fuck off, Nancy.
He is not bi.

841
00:40:43,608 --> 00:40:44,916
Hey, come have a shot with us.

842
00:40:45,076 --> 00:40:47,852
- I'm just getting a nightcap. I'm good.
- Oh, come on!

843
00:40:48,012 --> 00:40:49,821
Tequila! Tequila!

844
00:40:49,981 --> 00:40:51,289
- Come on.
- Look, here he comes.

845
00:40:51,449 --> 00:40:54,293
Nancy's divorce is final.
It's Carol's birthday.

846
00:40:54,452 --> 00:40:55,760
- We're celebrating.
- Mm-hmm.

847
00:40:55,920 --> 00:40:57,593
Just a little one.
Come on.

848
00:40:57,755 --> 00:41:01,100
Let's celebrate!
Cheers to the brew.

849
00:41:01,259 --> 00:41:03,865
I must be really loaded 'cause these
are actually starting to taste good.

850
00:41:04,028 --> 00:41:06,099
You guys aren't driving tonight,
are you?

851
00:41:06,264 --> 00:41:07,834
Oh, hell, no.
We got a suite.

852
00:41:07,999 --> 00:41:10,104
Does it look like we drive?

853
00:41:10,268 --> 00:41:12,646
You're taller than you look
in person.

854
00:41:12,804 --> 00:41:14,613
- Thank you.
- Hey. Hey, hey.

855
00:41:14,772 --> 00:41:16,718
How about your buddy
Jack Taylor?

856
00:41:16,874 --> 00:41:19,218
- Now, that guy is killing it, right?
- Oh, my God.

857
00:41:19,377 --> 00:41:21,687
- He must be so rich.
- No, you must fucking hate him.

858
00:41:21,846 --> 00:41:23,553
No, why does everyone
think that?

859
00:41:23,715 --> 00:41:25,991
I love the guy.
I mean, I'm thrilled.

860
00:41:26,150 --> 00:41:27,891
- Okay.
- I am, I'm thrilled.

861
00:41:28,052 --> 00:41:29,326
I am.
He's a friend.

862
00:41:29,487 --> 00:41:31,364
- I'm happy for him.
- Uh-huh, yeah, you know what?

863
00:41:31,522 --> 00:41:34,162
Hey, Carol, if you were thin
and rich, I'd hate you.

864
00:41:34,325 --> 00:41:36,134
Well, we don't have to worry
about that.

865
00:41:36,294 --> 00:41:39,798
Oh, fuck you, Janet.
Fuck you.

866
00:41:39,964 --> 00:41:42,137
Whoa!

867
00:41:42,300 --> 00:41:44,746
- Bruce: Okay.
- Easy, tiger. Don't getjumpy.

868
00:41:44,902 --> 00:41:47,143
What channel was that show on?
I haven't heard of it.

869
00:41:47,305 --> 00:41:50,218
It wasn't on QVC, Margaret,
so how the fuck would you know?

870
00:41:50,375 --> 00:41:54,551
Oh, my God, I'm so fucking psyched
to be divorced!

871
00:41:54,712 --> 00:41:57,158
- ( Cheering )
- About time! It's about time.

872
00:41:57,315 --> 00:42:00,524
I haven't been with another man
since I was 19.

873
00:42:01,519 --> 00:42:04,693
- Not so sure about that.
- Excuse me.

874
00:42:04,856 --> 00:42:07,860
- Well, intercourse, anyway.
- ( women laugh )

875
00:42:09,227 --> 00:42:11,070
19 couldn't have been
that long ago, right?

876
00:42:11,229 --> 00:42:14,506
- I mean, look at you.
- Oh, my God, so sweet.

877
00:42:14,665 --> 00:42:17,874
20 fucking years.

878
00:42:18,036 --> 00:42:19,538
( Gasps )

879
00:42:19,704 --> 00:42:21,342
Um...

880
00:42:21,506 --> 00:42:23,508
I wanna suck your dick.

881
00:42:26,711 --> 00:42:27,849
Me, too.

882
00:42:28,012 --> 00:42:29,423
What?

883
00:42:31,883 --> 00:42:34,625
- I mean, I want that for us.
- Oh.

884
00:42:34,786 --> 00:42:37,096
Hey, hey, another round of shots,
please. Come on.

885
00:42:37,255 --> 00:42:39,360
You know what? Nancy and I
are gonna head up to my room.

886
00:42:39,524 --> 00:42:41,697
I'm gonna give her a tour
of my minibar.

887
00:42:41,859 --> 00:42:44,635
- Oh, is that what you call your cock?
- ( women laugh )

888
00:42:44,796 --> 00:42:47,470
- She's funny.
- "Minibar."

889
00:42:47,632 --> 00:42:49,873
All right, ladies,
enjoy your evening.

890
00:42:50,034 --> 00:42:52,071
I'm gonna suck his dick.

891
00:42:52,236 --> 00:42:55,308
-( Retches, coughs)
-( knocking on door)

892
00:42:55,473 --> 00:42:57,612
Bruce:
Are you okay in there?

893
00:42:58,609 --> 00:43:01,055
- Yep, I'm good.
- ( toilet flushes)

894
00:43:01,212 --> 00:43:04,421
You need-- you need--
so you want some help in there?

895
00:43:06,250 --> 00:43:09,595
I can get something from the minibar.
Do you want a Pepsi or something?

896
00:43:09,754 --> 00:43:12,928
No. No, I'm okay.

897
00:43:13,091 --> 00:43:15,935
I'm gonna be ready
in just a minute.

898
00:43:16,094 --> 00:43:19,268
Are you-- is that a lighter?

899
00:43:19,430 --> 00:43:21,933
- Are you-- are you smoking?
-( doorknob rattles)

900
00:43:22,100 --> 00:43:24,603
Yeah, just one.
It helps to settle my stomach.

901
00:43:24,769 --> 00:43:27,773
Okay, no. No, no, no.
Put the cigarette out right now.

902
00:43:27,939 --> 00:43:29,612
- What?
- Cigarette out.

903
00:43:29,774 --> 00:43:32,448
Sweetie, don't worry.
I'll finish your fucking blowjob.

904
00:43:32,610 --> 00:43:35,250
I need you to put the cigarette out
right now.

905
00:43:35,413 --> 00:43:36,756
- Throw it in the toilet.
- Oh, my God.

906
00:43:36,914 --> 00:43:38,951
You totally sound
like my ex-husband.

907
00:43:39,117 --> 00:43:40,687
Just fucking throw it
in the toilet right now.

908
00:43:40,852 --> 00:43:42,024
Just put it out right now.

909
00:43:42,186 --> 00:43:44,132
- ( Scoffs ) Relax.
- ( doorknob rattles)

910
00:43:44,288 --> 00:43:45,790
I only smoke when I drink.

911
00:43:45,957 --> 00:43:47,834
What are you,
the fucking Surgeon Admiral?

912
00:43:47,992 --> 00:43:49,801
I don't give a shit
about your health, sweetie.

913
00:43:49,961 --> 00:43:51,941
I need the cigarette out
right now.

914
00:43:52,096 --> 00:43:54,007
Fuck you, asshole.

915
00:43:54,165 --> 00:43:55,542
.§§

916
00:43:55,700 --> 00:43:57,646
I'm sorry.
I take that back.

917
00:43:57,802 --> 00:43:59,975
I don't-- I don't mean it.
I care about you.

918
00:44:00,138 --> 00:44:01,173
- ( Doorknob rattles)
- You do?

919
00:44:01,339 --> 00:44:02,818
I do, I do, I do.

920
00:44:02,974 --> 00:44:04,476
Could you just-- I'm sorry.

921
00:44:04,642 --> 00:44:07,782
Just- just put the cigarette out
and come on out.

922
00:44:07,945 --> 00:44:09,117
You really do?

923
00:44:09,280 --> 00:44:11,487
I do care about you.
ls the cigarette in the toilet?

924
00:44:11,649 --> 00:44:12,889
Tell me one more time.

925
00:44:13,050 --> 00:44:15,052
- I care about you.
- Mrn.

926
00:44:15,219 --> 00:44:17,859
And I care about your health.

927
00:44:18,022 --> 00:44:20,195
And just come on out.

928
00:44:21,526 --> 00:44:24,166
Okay. Whew!

929
00:44:24,328 --> 00:44:25,898
- Now where were we?
- Oh, no, no, no.

930
00:44:26,063 --> 00:44:27,667
- ( Gasps)
- No, no.

931
00:44:27,832 --> 00:44:30,005
- You've got--
- Are you fucking crazy?

932
00:44:30,168 --> 00:44:32,409
- We got the towels in here.
- Oh, my God.

933
00:44:32,570 --> 00:44:34,516
- It's a--
- Why do I always find the crazy ones?

934
00:44:34,672 --> 00:44:36,743
- I don't even get it.
- We have a cloth shower curtain.

935
00:44:36,908 --> 00:44:38,979
- You're an asshole!
- Hey, listen, don't go.

936
00:44:39,143 --> 00:44:41,145
Not the robe!
Don't take the robes.

937
00:44:41,312 --> 00:44:43,519
They charge for the robes.

938
00:44:45,049 --> 00:44:46,653
( Whispers )
Fuck!

939
00:44:57,828 --> 00:45:00,365
( Card scanner beeps )

940
00:45:00,531 --> 00:45:03,239
Fuck! Fuck.

941
00:45:03,401 --> 00:45:05,210
Fuck.

942
00:45:06,704 --> 00:45:08,240
Shit.

943
00:45:11,742 --> 00:45:14,416
(P.A. chimes)

944
00:45:14,579 --> 00:45:16,456
Oh, my God,
it's "Bro Show"!

945
00:45:16,614 --> 00:45:18,457
Yo, I'm first class
with "Bro Show"!

946
00:45:18,616 --> 00:45:21,563
Uh, I'm pushing onto coach.

947
00:45:21,719 --> 00:45:23,130
You're not going to coach, man.

948
00:45:23,287 --> 00:45:26,063
Stop fucking with me.
I watched you in college.

949
00:45:26,224 --> 00:45:28,465
We would get high.
We would watch "Bro Show."

950
00:45:28,626 --> 00:45:29,730
Sit your ass down, man.

951
00:45:29,894 --> 00:45:31,396
It's gonna be
the best fucking flight ever.

952
00:45:31,562 --> 00:45:35,066
Doctor's orders.
No leg room, no free booze.

953
00:45:35,233 --> 00:45:37,076
He-- he said it.

954
00:45:37,235 --> 00:45:39,078
I'll see you on the way out,
though.

955
00:45:39,237 --> 00:45:42,741
Man!
My boys are gonna freak.

956
00:45:45,443 --> 00:45:46,945
Bruce:
So, let me get this straight.

957
00:45:47,111 --> 00:45:49,250
You just stand there and read?

958
00:45:49,413 --> 00:45:52,087
Yep. That's why it's called
a reading.

959
00:45:52,250 --> 00:45:54,252
( Chuckles)
I mean, you're 17.

960
00:45:54,418 --> 00:45:56,796
You're a genius.
I-l-- it's not that impressive.

961
00:45:56,954 --> 00:45:58,934
If I read,
that'd be a big deal.

962
00:45:59,090 --> 00:46:00,160
- I have a disability.
- Okay.

963
00:46:00,324 --> 00:46:03,237
You ever think about
getting back in the game?

964
00:46:03,394 --> 00:46:06,432
- Mixed martial arts?
- No. Dating.

965
00:46:06,597 --> 00:46:07,667
I don't know about that.

966
00:46:07,832 --> 00:46:09,436
I'm putting your profile
on Match.com.

967
00:46:09,600 --> 00:46:11,602
You don't think I'd get enough hits
on ChristianMingle?

968
00:46:11,769 --> 00:46:14,909
"DWM with a sharp wit
and a heart of gold

969
00:46:15,072 --> 00:46:18,315
who can build or fix anything
seeks SWF

970
00:46:18,476 --> 00:46:19,978
for a romantic second act

971
00:46:20,144 --> 00:46:22,988
that will prove
F. Scott Fitzgerald wrong."

972
00:46:23,147 --> 00:46:24,626
Bruce:
How about this?

973
00:46:24,782 --> 00:46:27,661
"Divorced white male
seeks Asian teen

974
00:46:27,818 --> 00:46:30,662
to honor his request
to die alone."

975
00:46:30,821 --> 00:46:33,995
- I wanna post this.
- I don't know.

976
00:46:34,158 --> 00:46:36,536
I can't see-- I don't have time
for a relationship

977
00:46:36,694 --> 00:46:39,800
unless it's with that security guard
at LAX, you know.

978
00:46:39,964 --> 00:46:43,173
'Cause her thing is "take your
shoes off, empty your pockets."

979
00:46:43,334 --> 00:46:45,871
Actually,
it's a lot like being married.

980
00:46:46,037 --> 00:46:47,983
- ( Chuckles)
-( horn honks)

981
00:46:48,139 --> 00:46:50,847
( pop music playing )

982
00:46:51,008 --> 00:46:52,544
I knew I'd find you here.

983
00:46:52,710 --> 00:46:54,849
I got a Range Rover!

984
00:46:55,012 --> 00:46:57,492
Harper's dad
got her a Range Rover?!

985
00:46:57,648 --> 00:47:00,891
Oh, my God!
What the heck?

986
00:47:01,052 --> 00:47:03,623
( Gasps )
God! This is amazing!

987
00:47:03,788 --> 00:47:04,858
- ( Squeals )
- Let's go.

988
00:47:05,022 --> 00:47:06,729
Bye, Dad!

989
00:47:10,227 --> 00:47:12,730
( Phone line ringing )

990
00:47:15,866 --> 00:47:20,042
- Bruce: Baby Doll.
- Baby doll! This is it.

991
00:47:20,204 --> 00:47:24,311
This is the one-- off the road
and straight to syndication.

992
00:47:24,475 --> 00:47:25,647
That's the kind of money, boy.

993
00:47:25,810 --> 00:47:27,721
That's the spigot
that never shuts off.

994
00:47:27,878 --> 00:47:29,323
Great.
What's the show?

995
00:47:29,480 --> 00:47:32,427
Baby Doll, please come
in the pool with us?

996
00:47:32,583 --> 00:47:33,687
Bless your heart.

997
00:47:33,851 --> 00:47:36,161
I'm talking with the guy
that helped buy the pool.

998
00:47:36,320 --> 00:47:37,731
You know "Close Quarters"?

999
00:47:37,888 --> 00:47:40,892
The piece of shit about a family
that lives in a submarine?

1000
00:47:41,058 --> 00:47:43,334
No, that hit piece of shit on NBC.

1001
00:47:43,494 --> 00:47:45,235
They're adding
a new character--

1002
00:47:45,396 --> 00:47:47,069
"Gus, the maintenance man."

1003
00:47:47,231 --> 00:47:48,574
Single-cam or multi-cam?

1004
00:47:48,733 --> 00:47:50,440
Single, multi--
who gives a shit?

1005
00:47:50,601 --> 00:47:52,410
I told them you are offer only.

1006
00:47:52,570 --> 00:47:55,449
- Good. What was their offer?
- They laughed.

1007
00:47:55,606 --> 00:47:58,917
But then I said,
"We'll do a chemistry test."

1008
00:47:59,076 --> 00:48:00,578
All right, when's that?

1009
00:48:00,745 --> 00:48:02,053
Well, that didn't fly, either.

1010
00:48:02,213 --> 00:48:05,422
But I told them you don't go
to the producer session.

1011
00:48:05,583 --> 00:48:07,563
You go straight to the studio.

1012
00:48:07,718 --> 00:48:10,096
Okay, so you got me
an audition?

1013
00:48:10,254 --> 00:48:12,097
You're a fucking magician,
Baby Doll.

1014
00:48:12,256 --> 00:48:13,360
No, no, no.

1015
00:48:13,524 --> 00:48:15,526
I don't send you
to any cattle call.

1016
00:48:15,693 --> 00:48:17,866
You cut in line.
You're in the finals.

1017
00:48:18,028 --> 00:48:21,407
You're in the front.
It's basically a layup.

1018
00:48:21,565 --> 00:48:23,238
You know, like a--
like a formality.

1019
00:48:25,770 --> 00:48:27,443
Why?

1020
00:48:27,605 --> 00:48:30,108
Because I never stop
working for you.

1021
00:48:30,274 --> 00:48:31,776
That's why, buddy boy.

1022
00:48:31,942 --> 00:48:34,821
In fact, I'm going right back
to work now for you.

1023
00:48:34,979 --> 00:48:37,619
Speak to you later.
( chuckles )

1024
00:48:37,782 --> 00:48:39,784
But first...

1025
00:48:39,950 --> 00:48:43,557
time to visit the girls.

1026
00:48:43,721 --> 00:48:45,792
I love show business.

1027
00:48:46,791 --> 00:48:49,169
-( Bruce chuckles) Hey.
- Man: Oh, Bruce. Good to see you.

1028
00:48:49,326 --> 00:48:50,634
Been a long time, Jeff.

1029
00:48:50,795 --> 00:48:53,401
- Uh, Jeffrey.
- Jeffrey.

1030
00:48:53,564 --> 00:48:54,770
It's "Brucery."

1031
00:48:54,932 --> 00:48:57,936
- ( laughs )
- Oh, I see what you did there.

1032
00:48:58,102 --> 00:48:59,843
Ahem.
So-- oh.

1033
00:49:00,004 --> 00:49:04,180
Um, okay.
You're gonna sit for this scene?

1034
00:49:04,341 --> 00:49:05,684
Oh, you want it standing up?

1035
00:49:06,677 --> 00:49:08,953
( Stammers )
I'll do it sta-- I-- standing's fine.

1036
00:49:09,113 --> 00:49:10,524
I just thought
'cause the chair was here.

1037
00:49:10,681 --> 00:49:13,161
It's an out-of-the-box choice.
If you want to go with it, just--

1038
00:49:13,317 --> 00:49:16,161
I-- I figured with the chair there,
you just wanted--

1039
00:49:16,320 --> 00:49:18,527
- Yeah, whatever works for your acting.
- No, I'll stand up.

1040
00:49:18,689 --> 00:49:19,929
Okay, great.
You set to go, then?

1041
00:49:20,090 --> 00:49:23,037
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay. Here we go.

1042
00:49:24,795 --> 00:49:26,866
Gus, it's good to have you
aboard.

1043
00:49:27,031 --> 00:49:29,443
It's great to be on board,
Mrs. Waterman.

1044
00:49:29,600 --> 00:49:31,773
Please, call me Marina.

1045
00:49:31,936 --> 00:49:35,611
You know, after 25 years
of working on Wall Street,

1046
00:49:35,773 --> 00:49:37,946
I never thought
I'd be doing maintenance

1047
00:49:38,108 --> 00:49:40,714
on a moth-bailed submarine
in Long Beach.

1048
00:49:40,878 --> 00:49:44,348
All the talk in the world's not gonna
fix that leaky torpedo hatch.

1049
00:49:44,515 --> 00:49:46,188
Are you telling me
my fly's open?

1050
00:49:46,350 --> 00:49:47,852
( laughter)

1051
00:49:48,018 --> 00:49:50,862
No, we actually have
a leaky torpedo hatch.

1052
00:49:51,021 --> 00:49:54,195
Speaking of torpedoes,
Mrs. Waterman,

1053
00:49:54,358 --> 00:49:57,362
that button on your blouse
is begging for mercy.

1054
00:49:57,528 --> 00:50:00,532
Oh, is it humid in this submarine,
or is it just me?

1055
00:50:00,698 --> 00:50:03,372
Oh, Mrs. Waterman.

1056
00:50:03,534 --> 00:50:06,242
H-hold on.
Can I just stop for one second?

1057
00:50:06,403 --> 00:50:09,475
The scripfs really funny,
but it's weird, right?

1058
00:50:09,640 --> 00:50:11,313
Doing it with a--
with a guy?

1059
00:50:12,309 --> 00:50:15,051
Listen, we've had over 15 people
in here already for this today,

1060
00:50:15,212 --> 00:50:17,488
and nobody else
had a problem, so...

1061
00:50:17,648 --> 00:50:19,184
Uh, wait.
Am I 15 or 16?

1062
00:50:19,350 --> 00:50:20,829
Uh, you're number 16.

1063
00:50:21,919 --> 00:50:24,058
Would you like to try it again
from the top?

1064
00:50:24,221 --> 00:50:26,201
I'd like to try it again
without the bottom.

1065
00:50:26,357 --> 00:50:27,995
Michael:
Houston.

1066
00:50:28,158 --> 00:50:30,365
Oh, Houston always sucked.

1067
00:50:30,528 --> 00:50:33,839
Houston just passed LA--
worst air quality in the country.

1068
00:50:33,998 --> 00:50:35,602
Yeah, thanks to you
and your pussy friends

1069
00:50:35,766 --> 00:50:37,939
with their Priuses,
we're not number one anymore.

1070
00:50:38,102 --> 00:50:39,206
Nice going.

1071
00:50:39,370 --> 00:50:40,713
Hey, didn't you
just play Houston?

1072
00:50:40,871 --> 00:50:41,906
Yeah. A guy fell out.

1073
00:50:42,072 --> 00:50:44,052
They called in a favor.
I was trying to help him out.

1074
00:50:44,208 --> 00:50:46,745
And anyway,
I got this new bit that kills.

1075
00:50:46,911 --> 00:50:49,585
Have you ever noticed
how many pharmaceuticals

1076
00:50:49,747 --> 00:50:52,591
would just make great names
for black kids?

1077
00:50:52,750 --> 00:50:54,627
<i>“Noretkfindrone...</i>

1078
00:50:54,785 --> 00:50:58,392
get your ass on this porch
at the count of--

1079
00:50:58,556 --> 00:51:00,229
don't make me come
off this porch."

1080
00:51:00,391 --> 00:51:02,735
"Norethiserone! Norethiserone!

1081
00:51:02,893 --> 00:51:05,100
I think he knocked him out.
Norethiserone!

1082
00:51:05,262 --> 00:51:06,707
Wake up, baby.
It's Mama."

1083
00:51:06,864 --> 00:51:09,777
- ( laughter )
- "Esperol! Esperol!

1084
00:51:09,934 --> 00:51:11,140
ESperol!

1085
00:51:11,302 --> 00:51:15,273
They hog-tied you 'cause you didn't
listen to the policeman.

1086
00:51:15,439 --> 00:51:17,942
Can he hear me
through this plate glass?"

1087
00:51:18,108 --> 00:51:21,453
"Lathenedestrol,
this is your mama.

1088
00:51:21,612 --> 00:51:25,116
Don't run from me.
Don't run from me.

1089
00:51:25,282 --> 00:51:28,559
Don't run from me!
Lathenedestrol!"

1090
00:51:28,719 --> 00:51:29,925
( laughter)

1091
00:51:30,087 --> 00:51:32,465
Where do you come up
with all the drug names?

1092
00:51:32,623 --> 00:51:34,603
Well, most of the drugs,
I'm taking.

1093
00:51:34,758 --> 00:51:35,930
( Chuckles )

1094
00:51:36,093 --> 00:51:38,505
Oh, also
the Teddy Pendergrass bit.

1095
00:51:38,662 --> 00:51:41,108
- What's that?
- Teddy Pendergrass, a black man.

1096
00:51:41,265 --> 00:51:42,300
He's a singer.

1097
00:51:42,466 --> 00:51:45,345
He was quite popular
just 31 short years ago.

1098
00:51:45,502 --> 00:51:48,745
He was what we call
"violently heterosexual."

1099
00:51:48,906 --> 00:51:51,580
♪ Let me hold your hand,
baby... ♪

1100
00:51:51,742 --> 00:51:54,086
- Woman: Sing it!
- ♪ Mm ♪

1101
00:51:54,244 --> 00:52:00,957
♪ And then I will ♪

1102
00:52:01,118 --> 00:52:03,155
♪ Bust out your uterus ♪

1103
00:52:03,320 --> 00:52:07,166
♪ With my big, black, knobby ♪

1104
00:52:07,324 --> 00:52:10,498
♪ Crook-ended,
uncircumcised ♪

1105
00:52:10,661 --> 00:52:14,006
♪ Motherfucking
whiffle-ball-bat-looking ♪

1106
00:52:14,164 --> 00:52:18,613
♪ Duralog dick muscle
I'm packing, baby ♪

1107
00:52:18,769 --> 00:52:20,874
♪ Oh... ♪

1108
00:52:21,038 --> 00:52:23,848
♪ Ye-ye-ye-ye-yes, yes ♪

1109
00:52:24,008 --> 00:52:27,854
♪ Yes, I would,
yes, I would ♪

1110
00:52:28,012 --> 00:52:31,459
♪ Skeety skeet-skeet
all on your titty meat ♪

1111
00:52:31,615 --> 00:52:33,356
<i>♪ With my dick juices 4'</i>

1112
00:52:33,517 --> 00:52:36,327
♪ I will paint
little stars and hearts ♪

1113
00:52:36,487 --> 00:52:40,833
♪ On your motherfucking
forehead, baby ♪

1114
00:52:40,991 --> 00:52:42,902
♪ Oh... ♪

1115
00:52:43,060 --> 00:52:44,869
♪ That's how much
I love you, baby. <i>I</i>

1116
00:52:45,029 --> 00:52:46,872
-( laughs )
- It's real love.

1117
00:52:47,031 --> 00:52:49,170
That will go very nicely
into "Milk Chocolate."

1118
00:52:49,333 --> 00:52:50,403
( chuckles )

1119
00:52:50,567 --> 00:52:52,137
What's going on
with "Milk Chocolate"?

1120
00:52:52,302 --> 00:52:53,372
He got seven episodes
ordered.

1121
00:52:53,537 --> 00:52:57,246
- It's mid-season.
- It's on the air.

1122
00:52:57,408 --> 00:53:00,218
- No way.
- The pilot was really funny.

1123
00:53:00,377 --> 00:53:01,822
You saw the pilot?

1124
00:53:01,979 --> 00:53:04,016
L-- I guess my DVD
got lost in the mail?

1125
00:53:04,181 --> 00:53:05,819
You could'vejust gotten
a share file?

1126
00:53:05,983 --> 00:53:07,087
Bruce: Fuck.

1127
00:53:07,251 --> 00:53:09,197
This just keeps getting better.

1128
00:53:09,353 --> 00:53:11,390
- You couldn't send me a file?
- Why?

1129
00:53:11,555 --> 00:53:13,057
So you'll have
more fuel for your

1130
00:53:13,223 --> 00:53:16,568
"this is why everyone's stupid,
the networks are retards" fire? No.

1131
00:53:17,561 --> 00:53:21,338
TV executives seem pretty dedicated
to make sure that fire never goes out.

1132
00:53:21,498 --> 00:53:23,842
It's like the eternal flame
at JFK's grave,

1133
00:53:24,001 --> 00:53:28,416
except for JFK's grave is funnier
than a network sitcom.

1134
00:53:29,673 --> 00:53:31,414
No offense, Phil.

1135
00:53:31,575 --> 00:53:33,521
(cell phone rings)

1136
00:53:33,677 --> 00:53:36,521
- Bruce: Baby Doll.
- Baby doll!

1137
00:53:36,680 --> 00:53:38,284
I've got great news for you.

1138
00:53:38,449 --> 00:53:39,894
Uh, let me guess.

1139
00:53:40,050 --> 00:53:42,553
This one's about a family
that lives in an MRI tube?

1140
00:53:42,720 --> 00:53:44,199
( Baby Doll laughing )

1141
00:53:44,354 --> 00:53:47,767
I have the guy who supplies
all the outdoor furniture

1142
00:53:47,925 --> 00:53:50,428
for Pottery Barn,
Restoration Hardware,

1143
00:53:50,594 --> 00:53:53,473
Crate and Barrel,
and he thinks you're hysterical.

1144
00:53:53,630 --> 00:53:54,734
And affordable.

1145
00:53:54,898 --> 00:53:59,210
And he wants you to do
their entire convention here in LA.

1146
00:53:59,369 --> 00:54:01,906
So you got me
a one-nighter in town?

1147
00:54:02,072 --> 00:54:04,074
Listen, this corporate circuit
is big time.

1148
00:54:04,241 --> 00:54:05,311
This could be
just the beginning.

1149
00:54:05,476 --> 00:54:09,322
Listen, Baby, I'm in no mood to talk
to some asswipe from IKEA.

1150
00:54:09,480 --> 00:54:10,788
Burt, go ahead.

1151
00:54:10,948 --> 00:54:13,622
Uh, actually IKEA makes
prefab entertainment units.

1152
00:54:13,784 --> 00:54:16,128
We manufacture
premium outdoor furniture.

1153
00:54:16,286 --> 00:54:17,788
I'm-- I'm sorry, I didn't--

1154
00:54:17,955 --> 00:54:20,128
it's customary
for an agent to tell--

1155
00:54:20,290 --> 00:54:23,134
Baby, tell me when
he's on the line next time, please.

1156
00:54:23,293 --> 00:54:25,739
Burt: I would like it
a little personalized,

1157
00:54:25,896 --> 00:54:28,433
so let me give you some background
on my coworkers, okay?

1158
00:54:28,599 --> 00:54:31,512
- You got a pen?
- Um, no, but I can grab one.

1159
00:54:31,668 --> 00:54:32,942
Hold on.

1160
00:54:34,304 --> 00:54:36,306
All right, shoot.

1161
00:54:36,473 --> 00:54:39,943
Burt: When you run a company
that sells furniture,

1162
00:54:40,110 --> 00:54:41,987
you're literally a chair man.

1163
00:54:42,146 --> 00:54:46,322
Well, that would make me
the chainnan of the board.

1164
00:54:46,483 --> 00:54:47,518
- ( Crowd groans )
- ( scattered applause )

1165
00:54:47,684 --> 00:54:50,324
Okay, you don't have to laugh,
but it would-- it wouldn't hurt.

1166
00:54:50,487 --> 00:54:52,933
And, you know, come your review
at the end of the year,

1167
00:54:53,090 --> 00:54:54,694
it could make
a major difference.

1168
00:54:54,858 --> 00:54:56,360
Hey, sweetheart.
How are ya?

1169
00:54:56,527 --> 00:54:58,871
- What else have we got?
- Hi. Remember me?

1170
00:54:59,029 --> 00:55:00,667
Yes, I-- I do.

1171
00:55:00,831 --> 00:55:02,435
From, um...

1172
00:55:02,599 --> 00:55:06,172
from the club in,
uh-- in Buffalo.

1173
00:55:06,336 --> 00:55:07,440
No.

1174
00:55:07,604 --> 00:55:10,016
- Uh, Houston, right?
- Mm-mm.

1175
00:55:10,174 --> 00:55:13,121
Rooster T. Feathers,
San Francisco.

1176
00:55:13,277 --> 00:55:15,484
( Chuckles )
Boston. Sarah.

1177
00:55:15,646 --> 00:55:18,684
- Oh, New Hampshire.
- That's right. "Live Free or Die."

1178
00:55:18,849 --> 00:55:20,328
- Are you stalking me?
- ( chuckles )

1179
00:55:20,484 --> 00:55:21,986
If you're stalking me,

1180
00:55:22,152 --> 00:55:24,063
you're doing a horriblejob
of stalking me.

1181
00:55:24,221 --> 00:55:26,497
- Do you know how to stalk at all?
- No, no.

1182
00:55:26,657 --> 00:55:28,898
You can't take long breaks
in between stalking.

1183
00:55:29,059 --> 00:55:30,800
I'm supposed to know you
immediately.

1184
00:55:30,961 --> 00:55:33,032
No, my boss asked me
for recommendations

1185
00:55:33,197 --> 00:55:34,699
for entertainment
for our company retreat,

1186
00:55:34,865 --> 00:55:38,176
and I suggested that guy
from that crap TV show

1187
00:55:38,335 --> 00:55:39,575
my husband
used to make me watch.

1188
00:55:39,736 --> 00:55:42,740
Your husband
obviously has fantastic taste.

1189
00:55:42,906 --> 00:55:45,250
Had great taste.
He passed away.

1190
00:55:46,243 --> 00:55:47,483
I'm sorry to hear that.

1191
00:55:47,644 --> 00:55:49,385
Oh, it's okay.
It's been a while now.

1192
00:55:49,546 --> 00:55:51,685
It does explain
where my fan base went, though.

1193
00:55:51,849 --> 00:55:53,351
( laughs )

1194
00:55:53,517 --> 00:55:55,554
So, you work with these people,
then, right?

1195
00:55:55,719 --> 00:55:57,221
Yeah, I'm the head
of northeast sales.

1196
00:55:57,387 --> 00:56:00,391
Good, because your boss--

1197
00:56:00,557 --> 00:56:01,900
Burt.

1198
00:56:02,059 --> 00:56:03,732
He gave me, like,
a little rundown.

1199
00:56:03,894 --> 00:56:05,202
He wanted to do, like,
a roast thing.

1200
00:56:05,362 --> 00:56:08,241
And I wrote it down,
but I don't have it.

1201
00:56:08,398 --> 00:56:09,604
I'm just doing 12 minutes.

1202
00:56:09,766 --> 00:56:11,905
Maybe you could give me some info
on some of these people.

1203
00:56:12,069 --> 00:56:13,412
Like, I wanna give...

1204
00:56:13,570 --> 00:56:15,572
- Burt.
- ...Burt his money's worth.

1205
00:56:15,739 --> 00:56:17,116
Sure. Mm-hmm.

1206
00:56:17,274 --> 00:56:18,912
Do you have something
to write with?

1207
00:56:19,076 --> 00:56:20,749
Here you go.

1208
00:56:20,911 --> 00:56:24,290
Okay, this guy has been
a major Hollywood star

1209
00:56:24,448 --> 00:56:26,428
for well over 20 years.

1210
00:56:26,583 --> 00:56:29,427
You got to love him
from the "Bro Show" and--

1211
00:56:29,586 --> 00:56:30,963
oh, uh, what's the one
I love him from?

1212
00:56:31,121 --> 00:56:34,694
Shoot. Where the celebrities,
they raise the barns or something.

1213
00:56:34,858 --> 00:56:37,134
- "Celebrity Barn Raising."
- "Celebrity Barn Raising."

1214
00:56:37,294 --> 00:56:39,296
That's crazy.
So let's-- let's give a big hand

1215
00:56:39,463 --> 00:56:41,739
for tonight's entertainment,
Bruce Madsen.

1216
00:56:41,899 --> 00:56:43,310
Bruce, come on up here,
buddy.

1217
00:56:43,467 --> 00:56:45,947
( Cheering, applause )

1218
00:56:46,103 --> 00:56:47,446
Burt: Good to see you, man.
Thank you.

1219
00:56:47,604 --> 00:56:49,106
Big hand for your boss-- Burt.

1220
00:56:49,273 --> 00:56:53,153
Come on, he's paying for not only
the chicken, the fish,

1221
00:56:53,310 --> 00:56:56,314
and the spaghetti,
but medical and dental as well.

1222
00:56:56,480 --> 00:56:57,584
A hell of guy.

1223
00:56:57,748 --> 00:57:00,752
Uh, we got Vince Stevens.

1224
00:57:00,918 --> 00:57:03,296
Vince, are you out there?
Hey, buddy.

1225
00:57:03,453 --> 00:57:05,455
What?
Are you flying solo tonight?

1226
00:57:05,622 --> 00:57:08,899
With that beautiful redheaded filly
3,000 miles away?

1227
00:57:09,059 --> 00:57:10,800
If I had a beautiful
redheaded bride like that,

1228
00:57:10,961 --> 00:57:12,565
I'd keep both hands on her, boy.

1229
00:57:12,729 --> 00:57:14,333
Let me ask you something
with the redheads.

1230
00:57:14,498 --> 00:57:18,139
I've never been
with a beautiful young redhead.

1231
00:57:18,302 --> 00:57:20,441
Does the carpet
match the drapes?

1232
00:57:20,604 --> 00:57:21,776
- ( Audience gasps)
- You give her a call,

1233
00:57:21,939 --> 00:57:24,977
'cause I guarantee she's getting it on
with the pool man right now.

1234
00:57:25,142 --> 00:57:27,452
And, uh, Jenelle.

1235
00:57:27,611 --> 00:57:29,249
Jenelle's here somewhere, too.

1236
00:57:29,413 --> 00:57:30,687
Hey, Jenelle.
How you doing, girl?

1237
00:57:30,847 --> 00:57:33,487
Look at you. Hey, I don't judge,
you know, number one.

1238
00:57:33,650 --> 00:57:35,323
- L-l love lesbians.
- ( audience gasps )

1239
00:57:35,485 --> 00:57:37,624
Just about every movie I see
is about lesbians.

1240
00:57:37,788 --> 00:57:40,769
I watch a lot of Internet
these days.

1241
00:57:40,924 --> 00:57:43,666
Top? Bottom? Do they have that?
ls everyone just a middle?

1242
00:57:43,827 --> 00:57:46,137
'Cause if I was with you,
I'd have a definite preference.

1243
00:57:46,296 --> 00:57:47,331
I'd be top.

1244
00:57:47,497 --> 00:57:51,445
I would be a snowcapped peak
on top of you, baby.

1245
00:57:51,601 --> 00:57:53,706
I mean-- is she going
to the bathroom?

1246
00:57:53,870 --> 00:57:56,316
How's it work with the lesbians
in the bathroom?

1247
00:57:56,473 --> 00:57:57,508
Like, what is the code?

1248
00:57:57,674 --> 00:57:59,278
You know what I mean?
There's got to be a code--

1249
00:57:59,443 --> 00:58:01,047
Hey.
What are you doing?

1250
00:58:01,211 --> 00:58:03,885
- L-- I'm roasting.
- You're roasting?

1251
00:58:04,047 --> 00:58:06,027
You know, Vince is going through
a terrible divorce right now,

1252
00:58:06,183 --> 00:58:09,164
and Jenelle
is a devout Christian.

1253
00:58:09,319 --> 00:58:11,458
What happened
to that stuff I gave you?

1254
00:58:11,621 --> 00:58:16,036
L-I wrote it down, but I didn't--
I didn't bring it with me.

1255
00:58:19,196 --> 00:58:22,643
I can-- I know somebody rides
a recumbent bike or something.

1256
00:58:22,799 --> 00:58:24,039
- I think I can make this up.
-All right, thank you.

1257
00:58:24,201 --> 00:58:26,044
Get the fuck off.

1258
00:58:26,203 --> 00:58:28,080
Uh, we're gonna-- we're gonna have
the raffle in just a minute.

1259
00:58:28,238 --> 00:58:30,218
Uh, Bruce Madsen.
Bruce Madsen, everybody.

1260
00:58:30,374 --> 00:58:32,911
- Thank you. Thank you.
- ( booing, scattered applause )

1261
00:58:33,076 --> 00:58:34,214
- Burt: Sorry.
- Wow.

1262
00:58:34,378 --> 00:58:35,584
( Chuckles )

1263
00:58:35,746 --> 00:58:37,987
There's a bar downstairs.
Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

1264
00:58:38,148 --> 00:58:40,856
Bruce:
It's the least you could do.

1265
00:58:41,018 --> 00:58:44,261
Sarah: Okay, first of all,
Jenelle and Vince are both assholes.

1266
00:58:44,421 --> 00:58:47,334
He hit on me no less than 27 times
when he was married.

1267
00:58:47,491 --> 00:58:50,700
And she is a chain-smoking
gambling addict

1268
00:58:50,861 --> 00:58:53,535
who never stops talking
about Jesus Christ.

1269
00:58:53,697 --> 00:58:56,007
All right, that explains them.

1270
00:58:56,166 --> 00:58:58,544
But then there's me.
What did I ever do to you?

1271
00:58:58,702 --> 00:59:00,375
You walked in here
totally unprepared,

1272
00:59:00,537 --> 00:59:02,210
even though you're about
to make more in one night

1273
00:59:02,372 --> 00:59:04,283
than those poor schmucks make
in four months.

1274
00:59:04,441 --> 00:59:07,217
You couldn't do 20 minutes
of homework?

1275
00:59:08,678 --> 00:59:11,522
All right, hold on.
You werejust messing with me?

1276
00:59:11,681 --> 00:59:13,422
I don't know whether
to kiss you

1277
00:59:13,583 --> 00:59:16,063
or just hit you over the head
with a barstool.

1278
00:59:16,219 --> 00:59:18,597
Wow. Well, if those
are my choices,

1279
00:59:18,755 --> 00:59:20,792
please pick up
the little barstool.

1280
00:59:20,957 --> 00:59:24,427
Well, I should head out.
I have an early flight out of LAX.

1281
00:59:26,930 --> 00:59:28,568
You know...

1282
00:59:28,732 --> 00:59:30,973
I do a little woodworking
myself.

1283
00:59:31,134 --> 00:59:34,138
- Really?
- Yeah.

1284
00:59:34,304 --> 00:59:36,545
Well, if you're ever
in the neighborhood,

1285
00:59:36,706 --> 00:59:38,947
you can give me a call
and I'll give you a tour of the factory.

1286
00:59:39,109 --> 00:59:41,089
I got a better idea.

1287
00:59:41,244 --> 00:59:43,918
How about you and I
just blow this place

1288
00:59:44,081 --> 00:59:47,756
and I take you
on a tour of my futon?

1289
00:59:47,918 --> 00:59:51,627
So irresistible.

1290
00:59:51,788 --> 00:59:53,768
- Fucking Phil Spector.
- ( chuckles )

1291
00:59:53,924 --> 00:59:55,801
He fucked it up
for every horny guy in LA.

1292
00:59:55,959 --> 00:59:58,064
Have fun
working your wood.

1293
01:00:00,497 --> 01:00:02,568
<i>So</i> this is it?
Like, how do I get ahold of you?

1294
01:00:02,732 --> 01:00:05,076
My e-mail's
on the company website.

1295
01:00:07,337 --> 01:00:08,941
I don't know the name
of the company.

1296
01:00:09,106 --> 01:00:11,245
Oh, my God.
No homework.

1297
01:00:11,408 --> 01:00:13,684
How'd you even find
the restaurant?

1298
01:00:22,185 --> 01:00:24,756
Hey, praise the Lord, right?

1299
01:00:24,921 --> 01:00:27,663
( Birds chirping )

1300
01:00:27,824 --> 01:00:32,671
- ( classical music playing )
- Mmm... huh?

1301
01:00:32,829 --> 01:00:35,366
Just drink it all in, baby.

1302
01:00:35,532 --> 01:00:38,035
This is why I like to come up here
once in a while.

1303
01:00:38,201 --> 01:00:41,341
It's beautiful, you know?
So serene.

1304
01:00:41,505 --> 01:00:44,679
I don't need serenity,
I need a gig.

1305
01:00:44,841 --> 01:00:48,050
What you need
is some perspective.

1306
01:00:48,211 --> 01:00:49,849
Oh, you think
I need perspective?

1307
01:00:50,013 --> 01:00:52,391
Baby, showbiz
ain't what it used to be.

1308
01:00:52,549 --> 01:00:54,187
We've all had to tighten our belts.

1309
01:00:54,351 --> 01:00:57,332
Downsize. Sacrifice.

1310
01:00:57,487 --> 01:00:59,831
I've heard enough.

1311
01:00:59,990 --> 01:01:01,526
( Music stops )

1312
01:01:01,691 --> 01:01:05,400
Bruce: Oh, yeah.
Everybody's downsizing.

1313
01:01:05,562 --> 01:01:08,133
You downsize any more,
and this time next year,

1314
01:01:08,298 --> 01:01:10,801
there's only gonna be
a $500,000 car

1315
01:01:10,967 --> 01:01:12,378
sitting inside your house.

1316
01:01:12,536 --> 01:01:15,073
You know how this whole thing
with Burt made me look?

1317
01:01:15,238 --> 01:01:17,650
Ridiculous,
like you always look?

1318
01:01:17,807 --> 01:01:20,413
- Like you do in that fucking wig?
- Really?

1319
01:01:20,577 --> 01:01:22,318
Getting a lot of pussy
with that Brillo pad, are you?

1320
01:01:22,479 --> 01:01:24,550
Listen, Burt was livid.

1321
01:01:24,714 --> 01:01:27,388
It was like you didn't listen
to a word he said.

1322
01:01:27,551 --> 01:01:31,499
I got some bad infonnation
from a really sexy lady.

1323
01:01:31,655 --> 01:01:34,192
Oh.
I hope you came twice.

1324
01:01:34,357 --> 01:01:37,395
- I didn't even kiss her.
- Jesus Christ.

1325
01:01:37,561 --> 01:01:39,268
You didn't get paid,
you didn't get laid?

1326
01:01:39,429 --> 01:01:41,033
You broke every rule
in show business.

1327
01:01:41,198 --> 01:01:44,179
- I don't care. I got a better idea.
- Oh, good.

1328
01:01:44,334 --> 01:01:48,441
I play a big local theater--
the VWItern.

1329
01:01:48,605 --> 01:01:51,552
<i>The Wikem'!
The Wham has 2,000 seats.</i>

1330
01:01:51,708 --> 01:01:53,915
You don't have that kind of juice
anymore, baby.

1331
01:01:54,077 --> 01:01:56,353
I'm an LA boy.
I'll pack 'em with my fans.

1332
01:01:56,513 --> 01:01:57,924
Let me explain something to you.

1333
01:01:58,081 --> 01:01:59,355
Even though he's
a dear, dear friend of mine,

1334
01:01:59,516 --> 01:02:01,427
I just can't call Goldie
and have him book you in the shows.

1335
01:02:01,585 --> 01:02:03,087
He's gonna want to see
a guarantee.

1336
01:02:03,253 --> 01:02:05,255
- Like what?
- Like...

1337
01:02:05,422 --> 01:02:08,266
"Can you get Jerry Seinfeld
to headline the show?"

1338
01:02:08,425 --> 01:02:11,269
- Thanks, dickhead.
- Baby Doll, I let myself in.

1339
01:02:11,428 --> 01:02:14,739
Baby Doll: Hey, look who's here!
All right!

1340
01:02:14,898 --> 01:02:17,208
Bruce, you know
my newest client,

1341
01:02:17,367 --> 01:02:19,643
YouTube superstar
Jenna Marbles?

1342
01:02:19,803 --> 01:02:22,044
- Nice to meet you.
- Baby Doll: A billion hits, huh?

1343
01:02:22,205 --> 01:02:23,582
A billion hits.
That's a billion with a

1344
01:02:23,740 --> 01:02:25,276
Come here.
( chuckles )

1345
01:02:25,442 --> 01:02:28,116
Try and fuck me,
I will slit your throat.

1346
01:02:28,278 --> 01:02:29,757
It'd be worth it.
( chuckles )

1347
01:02:29,913 --> 01:02:31,756
That's why the kids love her,
by the way.

1348
01:02:31,915 --> 01:02:34,623
Get in the car.
We're going to lunch at the Ivy.

1349
01:02:34,784 --> 01:02:36,821
- Oh, isn't she great?
- ( car door opens)

1350
01:02:36,987 --> 01:02:38,466
Well, you got the code.
You know how to get out.

1351
01:02:38,622 --> 01:02:41,228
So use the code and get out.

1352
01:02:42,225 --> 01:02:44,967
Hasn't taken me to the Ivy
in 14 years.

1353
01:02:45,128 --> 01:02:47,472
Car's going down,
how about you?

1354
01:02:47,631 --> 01:02:48,974
Jenna: You're going to fucking
get pepper sprayed.

1355
01:02:49,132 --> 01:02:50,236
( Baby Doll laughs)

1356
01:02:50,400 --> 01:02:52,175
( hip-hop music playing )

1357
01:02:52,335 --> 01:02:54,246
(engine starts)

1358
01:03:03,313 --> 01:03:05,486
Tina: I don't understand.
If you're miserable on the road,

1359
01:03:05,649 --> 01:03:07,788
why do you keep
going out there?

1360
01:03:07,951 --> 01:03:09,089
First off,
everyone's miserable.

1361
01:03:09,252 --> 01:03:11,994
I mean, you think roofers
and carpet cleaners aren't miserable?

1362
01:03:12,989 --> 01:03:14,866
Well, you did those jobs
when you were younger.

1363
01:03:15,025 --> 01:03:17,027
I know, and I was miserable.

1364
01:03:17,193 --> 01:03:20,800
I mean, I guess the good part
about being a roofer

1365
01:03:20,964 --> 01:03:24,434
is that at least you're around
to see your daughter's violin recital.

1366
01:03:24,601 --> 01:03:26,672
You're not at Hilarities
in Tennessee.

1367
01:03:26,836 --> 01:03:31,012
The bad part is, of course,
you can't afford a violin, so...

1368
01:03:31,174 --> 01:03:33,211
Well, there's got to be a way
to do your job

1369
01:03:33,376 --> 01:03:35,287
that doesn't make you
unhappy.

1370
01:03:35,445 --> 01:03:37,618
If I could just scrub my mind
of the '90s.

1371
01:03:37,781 --> 01:03:38,851
What does that mean?

1372
01:03:39,015 --> 01:03:41,325
Well, if you would've
got ahold of me in 1987 and said,

1373
01:03:41,484 --> 01:03:44,328
"You can travel the country
and people pay you to tell jokes,"

1374
01:03:44,487 --> 01:03:46,899
I would've been like, "I'll be
the happiest guy on the planet."

1375
01:03:47,057 --> 01:03:51,199
So getting paid to travel and tell jokes
feels like a step backward?

1376
01:03:51,361 --> 01:03:53,534
Feels like
three steps backwards,

1377
01:03:53,697 --> 01:03:56,405
but enough
about my career decline.

1378
01:03:56,566 --> 01:03:58,512
What about you?
Have you picked a school?

1379
01:03:58,668 --> 01:04:00,807
I can be bored
by "Moby-Dick"

1380
01:04:00,970 --> 01:04:03,712
for 60 grand a year here in LA
to try to make Mom happy,

1381
01:04:03,873 --> 01:04:05,648
or I can save a bunch of money

1382
01:04:05,809 --> 01:04:07,379
and be bored by "Moby-Dick"
somewhere else.

1383
01:04:07,544 --> 01:04:09,854
- Seems like a no-brainer.
- Yeah, it is.

1384
01:04:10,013 --> 01:04:12,721
If I can go on the road,
maybe you can get off the road.

1385
01:04:12,882 --> 01:04:16,694
Thanks, sweet pea,
but there is the house.

1386
01:04:16,853 --> 01:04:18,594
Well, why don't you guys sell it?

1387
01:04:18,755 --> 01:04:21,065
Another no-brainer.

1388
01:04:21,224 --> 01:04:22,897
No wonder your mom's
struggling with it.

1389
01:04:23,059 --> 01:04:26,165
(Tina laughing)

1390
01:04:26,329 --> 01:04:27,899
Bruce:
A lot of guys out there

1391
01:04:28,064 --> 01:04:30,271
are obsessed with
"Does she swallow?"

1392
01:04:30,433 --> 01:04:32,538
( laughter)

1393
01:04:32,702 --> 01:04:35,080
I feel like we're setting the bar
pretty high, fellas.

1394
01:04:35,238 --> 01:04:37,275
My question is,
"Does she transport?"

1395
01:04:37,440 --> 01:04:39,386
Forget about swallowing,
'cause once I'm done with it,

1396
01:04:39,542 --> 01:04:43,513
I don't care what you do with it--
toilet, sink, potted plant,

1397
01:04:43,680 --> 01:04:45,751
- somebody shorter than you.
- ( laughter )

1398
01:04:45,915 --> 01:04:48,020
That's not--

1399
01:04:48,184 --> 01:04:50,221
I don't need it once I'm done.

1400
01:04:50,387 --> 01:04:52,264
L- I don't get--
I don't get the obsession

1401
01:04:52,422 --> 01:04:54,424
with actually ingesting
the semen.

1402
01:04:54,591 --> 01:04:56,366
Like, uh,
"Well, does your, uh...

1403
01:04:56,526 --> 01:04:58,904
your garbageman
just picks up the garbage?

1404
01:04:59,062 --> 01:05:01,770
- He doesn't eat it?"
- ( laughter )

1405
01:05:04,434 --> 01:05:07,108
I mean, uh, I...

1406
01:05:07,270 --> 01:05:10,217
I-- you guys been watching
a lot of TV?

1407
01:05:10,373 --> 01:05:12,114
-( Bell dings)
- ( country music playing )

1408
01:05:12,275 --> 01:05:13,652
Sarah:
Yeah, I got your e-mail,

1409
01:05:13,810 --> 01:05:16,222
and I had this meeting
in the city, so--

1410
01:05:16,379 --> 01:05:19,292
Bruce: Well, it was nice to see
a friendly face out there.

1411
01:05:19,449 --> 01:05:20,484
I've been
to your shows before,

1412
01:05:20,650 --> 01:05:24,063
so I knew there'd be plenty
of great seats still available.

1413
01:05:24,220 --> 01:05:27,895
It is so sad that that face
is attached to such a mean person.

1414
01:05:28,057 --> 01:05:30,663
( laughs )
How did you get into stand-up?

1415
01:05:30,827 --> 01:05:33,307
Well, the chief of cardiology
at Johns Hopkins

1416
01:05:33,463 --> 01:05:35,773
- blackballed me.
- ( laughs )

1417
01:05:35,932 --> 01:05:38,310
- And after that, I just--
- No, really.

1418
01:05:38,468 --> 01:05:40,448
How did you become
a stand-up?

1419
01:05:40,603 --> 01:05:43,243
It's the same way every comedian
gets into stand-up.

1420
01:05:43,406 --> 01:05:44,578
It's like we're fuckups.

1421
01:05:44,741 --> 01:05:46,118
We're fuckups in high school,

1422
01:05:46,276 --> 01:05:48,313
and then we're fuckups
past high school.

1423
01:05:48,478 --> 01:05:50,651
And then at some point,
you wake up and you realize,

1424
01:05:50,814 --> 01:05:53,488
"I have one skill--
it's making people laugh."

1425
01:05:53,650 --> 01:05:55,527
And now
that you've lost that?

1426
01:05:56,619 --> 01:05:58,030
I know you think I'm funny.

1427
01:05:58,188 --> 01:06:00,190
- How do you know?
- It's not the money.

1428
01:06:00,356 --> 01:06:03,929
I know you're not after
half of the 118 that's left over

1429
01:06:04,093 --> 01:06:06,937
after I pay my alimony
and Uncle Sam.

1430
01:06:07,096 --> 01:06:08,541
What about all that TV money?

1431
01:06:08,698 --> 01:06:10,769
Oh, that's long gone.

1432
01:06:10,934 --> 01:06:12,004
Really?

1433
01:06:12,168 --> 01:06:14,341
( Bruce chuckles )
Oh, that's it? You're a golddigger?

1434
01:06:14,504 --> 01:06:15,778
(Sarah laughs)

1435
01:06:15,939 --> 01:06:17,680
♪ Dear heart... ♪

1436
01:06:17,841 --> 01:06:19,445
Bruce: You know, I guess
you just get what you want.

1437
01:06:19,609 --> 01:06:21,350
If I wanted to be famous
and successful

1438
01:06:21,511 --> 01:06:24,890
like my buddy Jack Taylor,
then I would've been.

1439
01:06:25,048 --> 01:06:27,654
I just would've done the work.
I just...

1440
01:06:27,817 --> 01:06:29,694
I just didn't do the work.

1441
01:06:29,853 --> 01:06:32,026
Then why stay
on the hamster wheel

1442
01:06:32,188 --> 01:06:35,362
in the smoggy cesspool
that is Los Angeles?

1443
01:06:35,525 --> 01:06:38,631
I think it's just- it's all I know.
It's just like repetition.

1444
01:06:38,795 --> 01:06:42,242
- It's just-- it's a habit.
- Oh, like heroin.

1445
01:06:42,398 --> 01:06:45,072
- Yeah, except for the fun part.
- ( chuckles )

1446
01:06:45,235 --> 01:06:47,237
How far is your place
from here?

1447
01:06:49,005 --> 01:06:50,075
Little over an hour.

1448
01:06:50,240 --> 01:06:52,379
You promised me
a factory tour, remember?

1449
01:06:53,543 --> 01:06:55,352
The factory's closed
till the morning.

1450
01:06:55,512 --> 01:06:57,651
I got a plan.
First thing tomorrow morning,

1451
01:06:57,814 --> 01:07:01,387
you'll make me some eggs
and we'll go take a tour of the factory.

1452
01:07:01,551 --> 01:07:04,361
Are you pitching that you would
stay over after our first date?

1453
01:07:04,521 --> 01:07:07,400
- It's at least our third date.
- How is this our third date?

1454
01:07:07,557 --> 01:07:09,230
Well, we had Flappers--

1455
01:07:09,392 --> 01:07:12,566
your huge friend
physically assaulting me from behind.

1456
01:07:12,729 --> 01:07:15,107
Back of my neck still smells
like Jéigermeister.

1457
01:07:15,265 --> 01:07:19,509
-( laughs )
- Date number two-- LA.

1458
01:07:19,669 --> 01:07:21,706
Permanently banned
from the corporate circuit.

1459
01:07:21,871 --> 01:07:23,248
And this is three.

1460
01:07:23,406 --> 01:07:24,714
So we're three in.

1461
01:07:24,874 --> 01:07:27,081
We're deep
into this relationship.

1462
01:07:30,213 --> 01:07:31,590
And how would that work?

1463
01:07:31,748 --> 01:07:34,888
Just run by the hotel,
pack up my stuff,

1464
01:07:35,051 --> 01:07:37,429
be back in your Volvo
in five minutes.

1465
01:07:37,587 --> 01:07:40,761
( Music continues playing )

1466
01:07:48,264 --> 01:07:50,301
What the hell are you doing?

1467
01:08:10,753 --> 01:08:12,755
(cell phone ringing )

1468
01:08:14,724 --> 01:08:16,499
- ( beeps )
- Hello?

1469
01:08:16,659 --> 01:08:18,798
Hey, did I catch you
before you left your room?

1470
01:08:18,962 --> 01:08:22,910
Yeah, I just--
I just got into my room.

1471
01:08:23,066 --> 01:08:24,807
Are you still out front?

1472
01:08:24,968 --> 01:08:27,642
No. I panicked.
I'm sorry.

1473
01:08:27,804 --> 01:08:30,080
I'll come get you
in the morning, though.

1474
01:08:30,239 --> 01:08:33,345
I just trust myself more
during the day.

1475
01:08:33,509 --> 01:08:34,817
Okay?

1476
01:08:34,978 --> 01:08:36,252
Bruce:
0-okay.

1477
01:08:36,412 --> 01:08:38,289
Good night.

1478
01:08:38,448 --> 01:08:39,984
( Beeps )

1479
01:08:45,088 --> 01:08:46,499
( piano music playing )

1480
01:08:46,656 --> 01:08:48,499
Boston.

1481
01:08:48,658 --> 01:08:51,002
Hey, Dana,
what's happening, man?

1482
01:08:51,160 --> 01:08:53,504
I heard you choked out
a heckler

1483
01:08:53,663 --> 01:08:56,269
in the "Jack Taylor" audience
with your mic cord.

1484
01:08:56,432 --> 01:08:58,844
( Chuckles )
Little bit of an exaggeration,

1485
01:08:59,002 --> 01:09:02,814
but, you know, if I'm gonna look
like a stud, run with it.

1486
01:09:02,972 --> 01:09:05,350
Audience warm-up?

1487
01:09:05,508 --> 01:09:07,784
I just got to get
off the road, man.

1488
01:09:07,944 --> 01:09:09,617
- Really?
- Yeah.

1489
01:09:09,779 --> 01:09:11,281
Don't you want
to get off the road?

1490
01:09:12,482 --> 01:09:15,793
Not if it means no one will ever listen
to anything I say ever again.

1491
01:09:15,952 --> 01:09:17,727
Let's face it.

1492
01:09:17,887 --> 01:09:20,561
We stand onstage
with a microphone and talk.

1493
01:09:20,723 --> 01:09:24,193
When is it someone else's turn?
Never.

1494
01:09:24,360 --> 01:09:26,863
It's not that we're
the most important guy in the room,

1495
01:09:27,030 --> 01:09:30,375
it's that no one else
is the least bit relevant.

1496
01:09:30,533 --> 01:09:32,672
And we like that.

1497
01:09:32,835 --> 01:09:35,679
So, what you're saying is--
is if I wanted to get off the road,

1498
01:09:35,838 --> 01:09:37,511
I'd get the fuck off the road.

1499
01:09:37,674 --> 01:09:39,176
Of course.

1500
01:09:39,342 --> 01:09:40,412
Unless you're
a hopeless narcissist

1501
01:09:40,576 --> 01:09:42,578
whose parents never listened
to a thing he said,

1502
01:09:42,745 --> 01:09:46,557
taking his revenge on humanity
one shitty club at a time.

1503
01:09:46,716 --> 01:09:48,855
You know, like me.

1504
01:09:50,586 --> 01:09:52,566
Sarah: I think you're really
gonna like this.

1505
01:09:52,722 --> 01:09:55,100
Roger worked really hard
to convert the barn.

1506
01:09:55,258 --> 01:09:58,535
Yeah? All guys are proud
of their workshops.

1507
01:09:58,695 --> 01:10:00,231
Some are better than others.

1508
01:10:00,396 --> 01:10:02,899
I mean, it's like all parents
think their kids are cute,

1509
01:10:03,066 --> 01:10:05,672
but there's
a couple of dogs in there.

1510
01:10:05,835 --> 01:10:07,781
My place back in LA
is pretty sweet.

1511
01:10:07,937 --> 01:10:10,713
Biesemeyer fence,
oscillating spindle sander.

1512
01:10:10,873 --> 01:10:12,875
( Door creaks )

1513
01:10:18,247 --> 01:10:19,783
Holy shit!

1514
01:10:19,949 --> 01:10:22,793
(Sarah chuckles)

1515
01:10:22,952 --> 01:10:25,558
- You approve?
- It's okay.

1516
01:10:26,756 --> 01:10:30,533
Sarah: I was the MBA and Roger,
he was the elbow grease.

1517
01:10:30,693 --> 01:10:32,434
And I was gonna leave
Burt's company,

1518
01:10:32,595 --> 01:10:35,633
and we were gonna start
something together.

1519
01:10:35,798 --> 01:10:37,937
Bruce: You could just find someone else
who can do what he did.

1520
01:10:38,101 --> 01:10:40,138
(Sarah chuckles)
You know,

1521
01:10:40,303 --> 01:10:42,783
it's harder than you might think
for a gal to find a guy

1522
01:10:42,939 --> 01:10:45,442
who can do radius work
on dimensional lumber.

1523
01:10:45,608 --> 01:10:46,814
You kidding?

1524
01:10:46,976 --> 01:10:49,957
"Radius work on dimensional lumber"
is my middle name.

1525
01:10:50,113 --> 01:10:52,957
It's a little tough to fit on
on my driver's license,

1526
01:10:53,116 --> 01:10:55,221
but it's there.

1527
01:10:56,219 --> 01:11:00,759
I like woodworking because
it's the exact opposite of comedy.

1528
01:11:00,923 --> 01:11:01,958
How so?

1529
01:11:02,125 --> 01:11:04,833
Well, comedy's just about
tearing everything apart.

1530
01:11:06,062 --> 01:11:09,771
And I'd like to start
putting things together.

1531
01:11:11,501 --> 01:11:13,003
Oh.

1532
01:11:15,071 --> 01:11:17,642
I think I could spend
10 hours a day out here.

1533
01:11:17,807 --> 01:11:20,583
That's what my husband used to do.
It was awesome.

1534
01:11:20,743 --> 01:11:22,518
It was awesome?
You didn't mind?

1535
01:11:22,678 --> 01:11:24,282
Hell, no.

1536
01:11:24,447 --> 01:11:26,825
Women should love it
when their men are working.

1537
01:11:26,983 --> 01:11:30,487
How about I put together a little
sandwich for you back at the house?

1538
01:11:30,653 --> 01:11:31,688
Yeah, you can go on ahead.

1539
01:11:31,854 --> 01:11:35,028
- I'll be there in a couple of years.
-( laughs )

1540
01:11:35,191 --> 01:11:36,864
It's weird
when you live in LA,

1541
01:11:37,026 --> 01:11:40,303
'cause everyone's like, "Could you
imagine living out in Podunk?"

1542
01:11:40,463 --> 01:11:42,500
And then you come out
to Podunk, and you're like,

1543
01:11:42,665 --> 01:11:44,167
"Not too shabby."

1544
01:11:44,333 --> 01:11:46,506
You're, by the way,
Podunk in this equation.

1545
01:11:46,669 --> 01:11:48,671
Actually,
Podunk is the next town over.

1546
01:11:48,838 --> 01:11:50,044
It's just a little bit bigger.

1547
01:11:50,206 --> 01:11:53,346
I could see living in LA
if you were sentenced to live there,

1548
01:11:53,509 --> 01:11:56,183
but I don't know why anyone
would choose to live there.

1549
01:11:56,345 --> 01:11:58,723
The business.
You gotta live there for the business.

1550
01:11:58,881 --> 01:12:01,794
Oh, and the, uh, razor wire
around the freeway signs.

1551
01:12:01,951 --> 01:12:03,828
I mean, you're not gonna
find that in Podunk.

1552
01:12:03,986 --> 01:12:06,023
- That's LA, baby.
- Mm, that's true.

1553
01:12:06,189 --> 01:12:08,726
-( Bangs )
- Bruce: Whoa! What are you doing?

1554
01:12:08,891 --> 01:12:10,199
What do you mean?

1555
01:12:10,359 --> 01:12:12,305
What are you kicking the crap
out of the door for?

1556
01:12:12,461 --> 01:12:13,667
( laughs )

1557
01:12:13,830 --> 01:12:16,333
I'm sure it's okay.
It just sticks a little.

1558
01:12:16,499 --> 01:12:18,308
Roger would've planed it for me.

1559
01:12:18,467 --> 01:12:21,471
Oh, Roger would've
been wrong.

1560
01:12:21,637 --> 01:12:24,846
No offense, but that--
that would've been a hack move.

1561
01:12:25,007 --> 01:12:27,385
It's a rectangle in a rectangle.

1562
01:12:27,543 --> 01:12:28,715
You gotta straighten it out.

1563
01:12:28,878 --> 01:12:32,655
I could pop the pins on this bad boy
and have it fixed in a jiffy.

1564
01:12:34,050 --> 01:12:36,690
- Let me see what you got.
- Oh, yeah.

1565
01:12:36,853 --> 01:12:38,890
(whirring )

1566
01:13:19,862 --> 01:13:21,933
Well, thank you.

1567
01:13:27,203 --> 01:13:29,945
Bruce: So, when did they start
putting wine in a bottle?

1568
01:13:30,106 --> 01:13:32,108
'Cause, I mean...

1569
01:13:32,275 --> 01:13:34,118
I'm familiar with the box.

1570
01:13:34,277 --> 01:13:35,620
I understand the box of wine,

1571
01:13:35,778 --> 01:13:37,621
but this seems dangerous to me.

1572
01:13:37,780 --> 01:13:38,815
This could break.

1573
01:13:38,981 --> 01:13:41,621
- ( Chuckles )
- Cut your foot on it.

1574
01:13:41,784 --> 01:13:43,627
Got no--
like, you know, for me,

1575
01:13:43,786 --> 01:13:45,459
like, when I, you know,
get into a barroom fight,

1576
01:13:45,621 --> 01:13:48,659
it's like, "Boom!" I bust the box
right over the guy's head.

1577
01:13:48,824 --> 01:13:50,565
- ( laughs )
- Or I'll take a smaller box

1578
01:13:50,726 --> 01:13:52,672
and just break it over the counter
and go, "Who wants some?"

1579
01:13:52,828 --> 01:13:55,468
♪ I knew her long ago ♪

1580
01:13:56,465 --> 01:14:00,277
♪ Out on the edge
of broken time ♪

1581
01:14:00,436 --> 01:14:04,179
♪ I can see
clear into her soul ♪

1582
01:14:04,340 --> 01:14:06,616
♪ Through her
dark-colored eyes ♪

1583
01:14:07,977 --> 01:14:10,685
♪ We used to laugh together ♪

1584
01:14:11,781 --> 01:14:14,421
♪ At the strangeness of it all ♪

1585
01:14:15,418 --> 01:14:18,956
♪ Her laughter,
light <i>as</i> a feather ♪

1586
01:14:19,121 --> 01:14:22,967
♪ I can still hear it now ♪

1587
01:14:23,125 --> 01:14:25,298
♪ Ain't it funny 'bout love? ♪

1588
01:14:25,461 --> 01:14:27,702
Sarah: So, thanks for changing
your flight.

1589
01:14:27,863 --> 01:14:30,104
I had fun.

1590
01:14:31,701 --> 01:14:34,147
- Sounded like you were having fun.
-( laughs )

1591
01:14:34,303 --> 01:14:36,283
I think the neighbors
heard you having fun,

1592
01:14:36,439 --> 01:14:38,282
and you don't even have
neighbors.

1593
01:14:38,441 --> 01:14:40,352
Well, you know,
it had been a while.

1594
01:14:40,509 --> 01:14:42,853
Well, you still got it.

1595
01:14:45,481 --> 01:14:47,392
♪ Her mommy used to say
to me... <i>I</i>

1596
01:14:47,550 --> 01:14:49,120
This is probably
a little too early,

1597
01:14:49,285 --> 01:14:51,162
but, you know,
I'm not really interested

1598
01:14:51,320 --> 01:14:54,699
in seeing you once a year
when you play Flappers in Boston.

1599
01:14:54,857 --> 01:14:56,859
Well, when I get back to LA,

1600
01:14:57,026 --> 01:15:00,530
I will not stop thinking
about your smile,

1601
01:15:00,696 --> 01:15:03,540
your body."

1602
01:15:03,699 --> 01:15:05,076
and that woodshop.

1603
01:15:05,234 --> 01:15:06,508
Wow.

1604
01:15:06,669 --> 01:15:08,876
Oh, man,
I miss that woodshop already.

1605
01:15:09,038 --> 01:15:11,678
- It's so good.
- Sweet.

1606
01:15:11,841 --> 01:15:16,813
Well, do you ever think about
the next 20 years?

1607
01:15:16,979 --> 01:15:20,586
Well, I didn't used to,
but now that I quit smoking,

1608
01:15:20,750 --> 01:15:22,058
I guess I should.

1609
01:15:22,218 --> 01:15:26,098
Maybe a little companionship
and a little radius work?

1610
01:15:29,759 --> 01:15:32,763
That sounds really... nice.

1611
01:15:35,698 --> 01:15:38,076
Sarah: Oh, come on.
You just miss your strip mall.

1612
01:15:38,234 --> 01:15:41,579
This is my strip mall.
It's just more beautiful than yours.

1613
01:15:41,737 --> 01:15:45,549
You got your banking, butcher,
post office-- the whole shebang.

1614
01:15:45,708 --> 01:15:47,779
I like the handicapped mule
parking myself.

1615
01:15:47,943 --> 01:15:49,047
- ( Cell phone buzzes)
- Oh, whoa!

1616
01:15:49,211 --> 01:15:51,020
- My phone just sprung back to life.
-( beeping )

1617
01:15:51,180 --> 01:15:53,683
We must be entering
civilization.

1618
01:15:53,849 --> 01:15:55,795
Wow.

1619
01:15:55,951 --> 01:15:58,056
Got a lot of messages.

1620
01:15:59,088 --> 01:16:02,069
Um... I'll just be
right behind you.

1621
01:16:06,395 --> 01:16:08,534
- Sarah: Hey.
- ( cell phone beeps)

1622
01:16:10,699 --> 01:16:12,474
- Baby Doll.
- Baby doll...

1623
01:16:12,635 --> 01:16:14,273
where the hell have you been?

1624
01:16:14,437 --> 01:16:15,780
I'm in New Hampshire.

1625
01:16:15,938 --> 01:16:19,249
New Hampshire?
What the fuck's in New Hampshire?

1626
01:16:19,408 --> 01:16:21,786
They don't even have
a comedy club in New Hampshire.

1627
01:16:21,944 --> 01:16:24,322
- I know. That's why I like it.
- Anyway, never mind that.

1628
01:16:24,480 --> 01:16:26,289
This is it.
This is the big one, okay?

1629
01:16:26,449 --> 01:16:28,759
This is the one
that gets you off the road.

1630
01:16:28,918 --> 01:16:30,420
I hope you're sitting down.

1631
01:16:30,586 --> 01:16:34,329
This is beyond "fuck you" money,
this is "fuck me" money.

1632
01:16:34,490 --> 01:16:37,596
- What is it?
- Howie Mandel wants you

1633
01:16:37,760 --> 01:16:41,640
to be the host of his new game show,
"Renaissance Man."

1634
01:16:41,797 --> 01:16:44,141
Now, this show is gonna be huge.
There's so much money,

1635
01:16:44,300 --> 01:16:46,143
this show's gonna syndicate
into countries

1636
01:16:46,302 --> 01:16:47,610
that don't even have
governments.

1637
01:16:47,770 --> 01:16:49,340
This is legit?
This is serious?

1638
01:16:49,505 --> 01:16:54,250
Howie is dying to work with you,
but I need you out here ASAP.

1639
01:16:54,410 --> 01:16:55,480
Okay, yeah.

1640
01:16:55,644 --> 01:16:58,488
I'll be there as fast as I can.

1641
01:16:58,647 --> 01:17:00,991
(cell phone beeps)

1642
01:17:01,150 --> 01:17:03,323
Sarah:
Okay, thank you.

1643
01:17:05,821 --> 01:17:07,823
( Chuckles )

1644
01:17:07,990 --> 01:17:10,527
See that?
It only takes like two days

1645
01:17:10,693 --> 01:17:13,003
to fall totally in love
with New Hampshire.

1646
01:17:13,162 --> 01:17:15,108
( Chuckles )

1647
01:17:15,264 --> 01:17:17,335
Oh, and you're gonna love
Christmastime.

1648
01:17:17,500 --> 01:17:20,811
I can't wait to show you
a real white Christmas.

1649
01:17:30,346 --> 01:17:33,122
Baby Doll: Hey! There they are, huh?
The dream makers.

1650
01:17:33,282 --> 01:17:34,488
- Hi, fellas.
- Hey, Baby.

1651
01:17:34,650 --> 01:17:37,221
Baby Doll: Hi, baby.
I think you all know

1652
01:17:37,386 --> 01:17:40,697
the funniest man on planet Earth--
Bruce Madsen, hmm?

1653
01:17:40,856 --> 01:17:42,961
Baby, tell me,
why can't Howie host this thing?

1654
01:17:43,125 --> 01:17:45,162
Howie is stretched too thin.

1655
01:17:45,327 --> 01:17:47,466
He knows this is the guy
for the show.

1656
01:17:47,630 --> 01:17:50,133
He handpicked this guy
for the show.

1657
01:17:50,299 --> 01:17:52,506
Are you gonna fuck me on this?
Don't fuck me on this.

1658
01:17:52,668 --> 01:17:54,375
Okay, I'm not gonna fuck you,
all right?

1659
01:17:54,537 --> 01:17:56,539
Let's sit down. Come on, now.
Come on, sit down.

1660
01:17:56,705 --> 01:17:59,845
As I think some of you may know,
on "Celebrity Barn Raising,"

1661
01:18:00,009 --> 01:18:03,081
Bruce <i>was</i>
their highest-testing celebrity.

1662
01:18:03,245 --> 01:18:06,089
<i>I was</i> tested
as being the most high.

1663
01:18:06,248 --> 01:18:08,228
( laughs )

1664
01:18:08,384 --> 01:18:10,523
Isn't that great?
Come on, he always does that.

1665
01:18:10,686 --> 01:18:12,393
He knows how to be funny.
He's got a million of them.

1666
01:18:12,555 --> 01:18:14,193
- Howie: Hey, there he is.
- Ah!

1667
01:18:14,356 --> 01:18:17,496
- No, no, no, no.
- Hey ya, Howie. Ryan Barkley.

1668
01:18:19,662 --> 01:18:21,369
He's new.

1669
01:18:21,530 --> 01:18:24,033
All right, I don't have a ton of time.
Everybody sit down.

1670
01:18:24,200 --> 01:18:26,077
I just wanted to drop by
and let you guys know

1671
01:18:26,235 --> 01:18:28,340
how much money
this major talent right here

1672
01:18:28,504 --> 01:18:29,778
is gonna make you guys.

1673
01:18:29,939 --> 01:18:31,043
- Hallelujah!
- Yeah.

1674
01:18:31,207 --> 01:18:34,677
Bruce Madsen
is "Renaissance Man."

1675
01:18:34,843 --> 01:18:35,947
I created the show.
I know.

1676
01:18:36,111 --> 01:18:39,092
He is that guy.
He's funny. He builds stuff.

1677
01:18:39,248 --> 01:18:41,250
He's got screwdrivers
and cordless hammers.

1678
01:18:41,417 --> 01:18:43,590
All-- Howie,
all hammers are cordless.

1679
01:18:43,752 --> 01:18:44,787
- ( Baby Doll laughs)
- Hammers.

1680
01:18:44,954 --> 01:18:47,127
This guy.
See? He is perfect.

1681
01:18:47,289 --> 01:18:49,360
Even if I could do this <i>show,</i>
you're better off with Bruce,

1682
01:18:49,525 --> 01:18:51,471
'cause he's gonna make this
a huge hit.

1683
01:18:51,627 --> 01:18:53,106
Howie, come on,
you got to stop by the show

1684
01:18:53,262 --> 01:18:55,606
at least once a week, you know.
Or we roll in a field piece with you.

1685
01:18:55,764 --> 01:18:58,608
I am not on the show.
This is your host.

1686
01:18:58,767 --> 01:19:00,610
Howie, Howie,
we all know he's funny.

1687
01:19:00,769 --> 01:19:04,444
We know you're funny, but have you
ever hosted a game show?

1688
01:19:04,607 --> 01:19:07,110
Howie:
Give them a little taste.

1689
01:19:07,276 --> 01:19:09,313
Oh... like, host?

1690
01:19:09,478 --> 01:19:12,118
Yeah, a little patter.
A little game show patter.

1691
01:19:12,281 --> 01:19:14,761
It's weird doing it here,
though, right?

1692
01:19:14,917 --> 01:19:17,227
You know what? I'll be the contestant,
you bring me out.

1693
01:19:17,386 --> 01:19:20,765
"My name's Harold,
lam from Cherry Hill, New Jersey,

1694
01:19:20,923 --> 01:19:23,767
- and I collect Elvis decanters."
- ( laughs )

1695
01:19:23,926 --> 01:19:25,166
Come on!

1696
01:19:25,327 --> 01:19:27,136
All right.

1697
01:19:28,464 --> 01:19:30,307
- Microphone.
- Yeah.

1698
01:19:30,466 --> 01:19:33,413
- Uh, Howie, this--
- Harold.

1699
01:19:33,569 --> 01:19:34,980
- Harold.
- ( chuckles )

1700
01:19:35,137 --> 01:19:37,481
- ( Baby Doll chuckles)
- Harold, this is weird.

1701
01:19:37,640 --> 01:19:40,280
I'm just not in a headspace
to do this right now.

1702
01:19:40,442 --> 01:19:42,922
Not in a headspace?
So you don't wanna dance?

1703
01:19:44,113 --> 01:19:47,651
- Not really, no.
- Come on, give 'em a little soft shoe.

1704
01:19:47,816 --> 01:19:50,763
You know what? You don't have
to dance for these ass clowns.

1705
01:19:50,919 --> 01:19:52,489
Thank you.

1706
01:19:53,489 --> 01:19:56,265
But you're gonna have to dance
for me, bitch.

1707
01:19:56,425 --> 01:19:58,769
How the fuck are you gonna tape
five shows on a Friday

1708
01:19:58,927 --> 01:20:00,304
when you have a 102 fever?

1709
01:20:00,462 --> 01:20:02,635
You think I feel great every time
I show up to one of my three shows?

1710
01:20:02,798 --> 01:20:04,505
Well, guess what.
America can't know what I'm feel--

1711
01:20:04,667 --> 01:20:06,010
want me to tell you something?
I'll tell you something,

1712
01:20:06,168 --> 01:20:07,841
and you keep this
amongst yourselves.

1713
01:20:08,003 --> 01:20:11,610
There's an episode of "Deal or No Deal"
where I shit my pants.

1714
01:20:11,774 --> 01:20:15,051
There is a point when I go,
"Two more cases,

1715
01:20:15,210 --> 01:20:16,848
and you can win $1 million."

1716
01:20:17,012 --> 01:20:18,958
That's what I said.
You know what I was thinking?

1717
01:20:19,114 --> 01:20:23,221
"Oh, my God.
I just shit myself on national

1718
01:20:23,385 --> 01:20:25,490
I have to dance.

1719
01:20:25,654 --> 01:20:28,191
That's the fucking game.

1720
01:20:28,357 --> 01:20:31,133
And now
you're gonna dance, bitch.

1721
01:20:31,293 --> 01:20:32,670
All right,
ladies and gentlemen,

1722
01:20:32,828 --> 01:20:36,833
the "Renaissance Man" himself,
Bruce Madsen.

1723
01:20:36,999 --> 01:20:40,742
Lights! Camera!
Shit your pants!

1724
01:20:53,382 --> 01:20:55,555
Welcome
to "Renaissance Man,"

1725
01:20:55,718 --> 01:21:00,394
where we are gonna find
and crown the ultimate male.

1726
01:21:00,556 --> 01:21:04,333
Men, get ready to sweat,
ladies, you're gonna get wet.

1727
01:21:04,493 --> 01:21:06,837
- ( Man laughs)
- Our first contestant,

1728
01:21:06,995 --> 01:21:08,235
- Harold...
- Yes.

1729
01:21:08,397 --> 01:21:09,740
...from Cherry Hill,
New Jersey.

1730
01:21:09,898 --> 01:21:12,708
Harold, are you ready
to play "The Fuse"?

1731
01:21:12,868 --> 01:21:15,041
- Yes.
- We have a rope hanging

1732
01:21:15,204 --> 01:21:18,742
from a Huey helicopter
over bin Laden's compound.

1733
01:21:18,907 --> 01:21:20,409
You're gonna scooch up it,

1734
01:21:20,576 --> 01:21:22,249
we're gonna give you
a 10-second head start,

1735
01:21:22,411 --> 01:21:25,221
and then we're gonna
light the fuse.

1736
01:21:25,381 --> 01:21:28,385
If-- and that's if--
you make it to the top,

1737
01:21:28,550 --> 01:21:31,224
you're gonna have to solve
a Rubik's cube--

1738
01:21:31,387 --> 01:21:32,422
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.

1739
01:21:32,588 --> 01:21:34,568
Is that- is that
one of our actual contests?

1740
01:21:34,723 --> 01:21:36,430
- No.
- I'm just making it up.

1741
01:21:36,592 --> 01:21:38,572
You made that up?
Jesus.

1742
01:21:38,727 --> 01:21:41,731
That is so much better than any
of the shit you idiots came up with

1743
01:21:41,897 --> 01:21:43,899
- in six months of preproduction.
- Write that down.

1744
01:21:44,066 --> 01:21:47,240
He's a genius.
He is the "Renaissance Man."

1745
01:21:47,403 --> 01:21:49,815
( applause )

1746
01:21:49,972 --> 01:21:52,384
Baby doll!
( chuckles )

1747
01:21:52,541 --> 01:21:54,452
Huh?

1748
01:21:54,610 --> 01:21:56,317
This is gonna be
your "Renaissance Man,"

1749
01:21:56,478 --> 01:21:59,652
and that show is gonna run longer
than "All My Children."

1750
01:21:59,815 --> 01:22:01,488
- Thank you.
- ( applause )

1751
01:22:03,752 --> 01:22:06,460
Then the network
pulled the plug.

1752
01:22:06,622 --> 01:22:10,263
They won't even air the episodes
he shot, those assholes.

1753
01:22:11,326 --> 01:22:12,930
Wow.

1754
01:22:13,095 --> 01:22:14,836
Go ahead.

1755
01:22:14,997 --> 01:22:18,467
I'm sure this all
makes you very happy.

1756
01:22:18,634 --> 01:22:21,137
No. Not today.

1757
01:22:21,303 --> 01:22:24,978
- I just feel bad for you, buddy.
- Me, too.

1758
01:22:26,108 --> 01:22:27,985
All right.

1759
01:22:28,143 --> 01:22:30,521
Enough bad news for today.

1760
01:22:30,679 --> 01:22:32,022
He did get
"Renaissance Man."

1761
01:22:32,181 --> 01:22:35,185
Can you believe this motherfucker
just won the lottery?

1762
01:22:35,350 --> 01:22:37,921
- Breakfast is on you.
- Yay.

1763
01:22:38,086 --> 01:22:41,124
I think the greatest job in the world
might be game show host.

1764
01:22:41,290 --> 01:22:43,497
Absolutely.
You bank five shows Thursday,

1765
01:22:43,659 --> 01:22:46,003
five shows Friday,
and you are done.

1766
01:22:46,161 --> 01:22:48,038
Then you get to schmooze
with all the affiliates,

1767
01:22:48,197 --> 01:22:49,835
and they give you
lots of free shrimp.

1768
01:22:49,998 --> 01:22:51,944
- And you're gonna get some pussy.
- Oh, yeah.

1769
01:22:52,100 --> 01:22:53,374
Not "A-level" shit, though,
you know.

1770
01:22:53,535 --> 01:22:56,141
You're gonna get maybe
"fives" or "fours," but a lot of them.

1771
01:22:56,305 --> 01:22:57,943
You could get bald and fat,

1772
01:22:58,106 --> 01:22:59,813
- the job is yours for life.
- Michael: Mm-hmm.

1773
01:22:59,975 --> 01:23:01,716
Phil: You could be doing this
for the next 35 years.

1774
01:23:01,877 --> 01:23:04,380
You don't have to write.
You don't have to prepare.

1775
01:23:04,546 --> 01:23:06,457
- You don't have to care.
- Just show up.

1776
01:23:06,615 --> 01:23:08,026
You don't even
have to wash your ass...

1777
01:23:08,183 --> 01:23:11,027
♪ You'll get no answer
from me ♪

1778
01:23:14,356 --> 01:23:18,736
♪ About what I want
or what I get ♪

1779
01:23:21,864 --> 01:23:25,869
♪ Brave enough to speak,
afraid to see ♪

1780
01:23:29,304 --> 01:23:34,879
♪ Confuse the issue
till you forget ♪

1781
01:23:35,043 --> 01:23:39,389
♪ And I tried ♪

1782
01:23:39,548 --> 01:23:44,054
♪ To finally decide ♪

1783
01:23:44,219 --> 01:23:46,256
<i>4' Why 4'</i>

1784
01:23:47,322 --> 01:23:52,499
♪ You're gonna have to
look around. ♪

1785
01:23:53,729 --> 01:23:55,402
( Broom clatters)

1786
01:23:58,867 --> 01:24:02,007
- ( drumroll )
- ( applause )

1787
01:24:02,170 --> 01:24:06,550
Announcer: Welcome to the finale
of "Renaissance Man."

1788
01:24:06,708 --> 01:24:08,517
The time has come

1789
01:24:08,677 --> 01:24:11,886
to crown
the ultimate male.

1790
01:24:12,047 --> 01:24:14,789
Are you ready to make
some noise for the host

1791
01:24:14,950 --> 01:24:16,759
of the most popular

1792
01:24:16,919 --> 01:24:20,958
competition reality show
on planet Earth?

1793
01:24:21,123 --> 01:24:24,297
The face of "Renaissance Man,"

1794
01:24:24,459 --> 01:24:27,633
ladies and gentlemen...

1795
01:24:27,796 --> 01:24:30,709
Welcome to "Renaissance Man."

1796
01:24:30,866 --> 01:24:32,777
Skeety skeet-skeet!

1797
01:24:32,935 --> 01:24:35,575
( laughs )

1798
01:24:38,273 --> 01:24:41,152
Tina: Dad, I'm really happy
you're close,

1799
01:24:41,310 --> 01:24:43,916
but you're not gonna be hanging out
here on weekends, right?

1800
01:24:44,079 --> 01:24:46,491
I'm not gonna miss
another one of your readings.

1801
01:24:47,783 --> 01:24:49,285
You're not gonna do
a lot of readings, are you?

1802
01:24:49,451 --> 01:24:50,987
Oh, yeah. A lot.

1803
01:24:51,153 --> 01:24:53,133
That's pretty much all they do
at this school.

1804
01:24:53,288 --> 01:24:55,131
( Chuckles )
That's so funny,

1805
01:24:55,290 --> 01:24:57,099
'cause when I was
in junior college,

1806
01:24:57,259 --> 01:24:59,432
we didn't read out loud
for other people's entertainment.

1807
01:24:59,595 --> 01:25:01,802
We were
sounding out words.

1808
01:25:03,098 --> 01:25:05,100
How's your mom holding up?

1809
01:25:05,267 --> 01:25:07,770
You know, I think she's more upset
about selling the house

1810
01:25:07,936 --> 01:25:10,746
than about me going to college
3,000 miles away.

1811
01:25:10,906 --> 01:25:12,180
- ( Door opens)
- Sarah: All right.

1812
01:25:12,341 --> 01:25:16,153
I think we got everything
you requested except for the vodka.

1813
01:25:16,311 --> 01:25:18,757
Do you know what you could sell
vodka for to college freshmen?

1814
01:25:18,914 --> 01:25:22,919
You may not be
the only MBA in this family.

1815
01:25:23,085 --> 01:25:25,156
"Family"?

1816
01:25:25,320 --> 01:25:27,493
I'm parked
in the loading zone.

1817
01:25:28,757 --> 01:25:30,964
Nice job, Dad.

1818
01:25:31,126 --> 01:25:34,664
Thanks. lwent with a dovetail joint
on the drawers.

1819
01:25:34,830 --> 01:25:36,173
I meant Sarah.

1820
01:25:36,331 --> 01:25:39,369
I really like her.
She's a good one.

1821
01:25:39,534 --> 01:25:41,138
I knew what you were
talking about.

1822
01:25:41,303 --> 01:25:43,340
This, I built.
Sarah--

1823
01:25:44,673 --> 01:25:46,778
she was perfect
when I met her.

1824
01:25:48,210 --> 01:25:51,453
Well, I'm really happy
you found her.

1825
01:25:51,613 --> 01:25:53,786
I'll be back.

1826
01:25:53,949 --> 01:25:56,361
Just give me a few minutes
alone with my baby.

1827
01:25:56,518 --> 01:25:58,225
I'll be right behind you.

1828
01:25:58,387 --> 01:26:00,367
Tina:
Hey, Sarah!

1829
01:26:04,359 --> 01:26:06,202
Take good care of him.

1830
01:26:08,463 --> 01:26:10,807
I don't think
anybody ever has.

1831
01:26:10,966 --> 01:26:14,743
Oh.
You're such a good kid.

1832
01:26:16,405 --> 01:26:19,716
- Have a great time in college.
- ( both chuckle)

1833
01:26:21,710 --> 01:26:23,815
Bruce:
Well, that's that.

1834
01:26:23,979 --> 01:26:26,687
Thanks for everything, Dad.

1835
01:26:26,848 --> 01:26:29,192
I'm so proud of you.

1836
01:26:29,351 --> 01:26:31,695
I'm proud of you, too.

1837
01:26:34,690 --> 01:26:36,670
So, listen,
if there's anything you need,

1838
01:26:36,825 --> 01:26:38,668
you just call Sarah's landline.

1839
01:26:38,827 --> 01:26:42,400
Ask your history professor
what a landline is.

1840
01:26:42,564 --> 01:26:44,066
( Softly )
All right.

1841
01:26:47,369 --> 01:26:49,042
(engine starts)

1842
01:26:49,204 --> 01:26:51,445
- Tina: I love you, Dad.
- Love you, too.

1843
01:26:52,874 --> 01:26:56,754
♪ Oh, there's a river
that winds on forever ♪

1844
01:26:56,912 --> 01:26:59,688
♪ I'm gonna see
where it leads... ♪

1845
01:26:59,848 --> 01:27:02,089
It's gonna be nice--

1846
01:27:02,250 --> 01:27:04,025
just kicking back.

1847
01:27:04,186 --> 01:27:06,598
Put my feet up, relaxing.

1848
01:27:06,755 --> 01:27:08,860
Are you sure you're not
gonna miss stand-up?

1849
01:27:11,226 --> 01:27:12,762
No.

1850
01:27:12,928 --> 01:27:16,273
I like this stretch of road
I'm on right now.

1851
01:27:16,431 --> 01:27:20,880
♪ To the ends of the earth
would you follow me? ♪

1852
01:27:23,405 --> 01:27:27,911
♪ There's a world that was meant
for our eyes to see ♪

1853
01:27:30,312 --> 01:27:34,761
♪ To the ends of the earth
would you follow me? ♪

1854
01:27:35,784 --> 01:27:37,786
(phone ringing)

1855
01:27:37,953 --> 01:27:39,728
Recording: Hey, you've reached
Bruce's cell phone.

1856
01:27:39,888 --> 01:27:42,732
- Please leave a message.
-( beeps )

1857
01:27:42,891 --> 01:27:45,132
Baby Doll:
Baby! Great news.

1858
01:27:45,293 --> 01:27:48,001
I found a comedy club
in New Hampshire.

1859
01:27:48,163 --> 01:27:49,642
It's not a traditional comedy club.

1860
01:27:49,798 --> 01:27:51,607
They serve smoked meats--
okay, it's a deli.

1861
01:27:51,767 --> 01:27:54,941
But on Tuesday nights,
it's a comedy club.

1862
01:27:55,103 --> 01:27:57,105
( Music continues)

1863
01:28:32,174 --> 01:28:35,951
♪ Oh, there's an island
where all things are silent ♪

1864
01:28:36,111 --> 01:28:38,990
♪ I'm gonna whistle a tune ♪

1865
01:28:40,048 --> 01:28:43,894
♪ Oh, there's a desert,
the size can't be measured ♪

1866
01:28:44,052 --> 01:28:46,896
♪ I'm gonna count
all the dunes ♪

1867
01:28:48,023 --> 01:28:51,869
♪ Out there's a world
that calls for me, girl ♪

1868
01:28:52,027 --> 01:28:54,837
♪ Heading out
into the unknown ♪

1869
01:28:55,831 --> 01:28:59,643
♪ Wayfaring strangers
and all kinds of danger ♪

1870
01:28:59,801 --> 01:29:03,374
♪ Please don't say
I'm going alone ♪

1871
01:29:03,538 --> 01:29:07,987
♪ To the ends of the earth
would you follow me? ♪

1872
01:29:10,545 --> 01:29:14,823
♪ There's a world that was meant
for our eyes to see ♪

1873
01:29:17,352 --> 01:29:21,892
♪ To the ends of the earth
would you follow me? ♪

1874
01:29:24,392 --> 01:29:28,932
♪ Well, if you won't,
I will say my goodbyes to thee ♪

1875
01:29:39,507 --> 01:29:43,284
♪ I was a-ready
to die for you, baby ♪

1876
01:29:43,445 --> 01:29:46,551
♪ Doesn't mean I'm ready
to stay ♪

1877
01:29:47,582 --> 01:29:51,257
♪ What good is living
a life you've been given ♪

1878
01:29:51,419 --> 01:29:54,423
♪ If all you do
is stand in one place? ♪

1879
01:29:55,423 --> 01:29:59,269
♪ I'm on a river
that winds on forever ♪

1880
01:29:59,427 --> 01:30:02,271
♪ Follow till I get
where I'm going ♪

1881
01:30:03,265 --> 01:30:07,577
♪ Maybe I'm heading to die,
but I'm still gonna try ♪

1882
01:30:07,736 --> 01:30:10,910
♪ I guess I'm going alone... ♪

1883
01:30:11,072 --> 01:30:13,552
( Music continues)

1884
01:30:17,078 --> 01:30:20,423
Alligators have to be confused
at this point in history, right?

1885
01:30:20,582 --> 01:30:23,461
Like, I'd like to be at the next
alligator convention.

1886
01:30:23,618 --> 01:30:25,757
'Cause alligators
have to be like,

1887
01:30:25,921 --> 01:30:27,832
"For four million years,
all we did

1888
01:30:27,989 --> 01:30:30,469
was slide up on the shore
of the riverbank

1889
01:30:30,625 --> 01:30:32,730
and every fucking villager

1890
01:30:32,894 --> 01:30:34,805
just pissed themselves
and scattered.

1891
01:30:34,963 --> 01:30:36,442
They all just went
for high ground.

1892
01:30:36,598 --> 01:30:38,407
That's all we had to do.
We didn't have to do anything.

1893
01:30:38,566 --> 01:30:40,512
We'd just slide up,
catch a little sun,

1894
01:30:40,669 --> 01:30:43,650
let a little gas go,
and watch all the crazy villagers

1895
01:30:43,805 --> 01:30:46,752
climbing palm trees
and running for the fucking hills."

1896
01:30:46,908 --> 01:30:50,014
Now they can't make it
to lunch

1897
01:30:50,178 --> 01:30:52,317
without some jackass
in cargo shorts

1898
01:30:52,480 --> 01:30:54,323
jumping on their back--

1899
01:30:54,482 --> 01:30:58,259
zip ties and fucking duct tape--
wrestling with them.

1900
01:30:58,420 --> 01:31:01,993
Like, that alligator's gotta be going,
"What the fuck is going on?

1901
01:31:02,157 --> 01:31:03,261
Fucking nuts.

1902
01:31:03,425 --> 01:31:05,996
All we do is yawn
for two million years,

1903
01:31:06,161 --> 01:31:08,607
and everyone would fucking die
of heart attacks.

1904
01:31:08,763 --> 01:31:12,506
Now every jackoff
in fucking a Kangol hat

1905
01:31:12,667 --> 01:31:15,773
and cargo shorts
and desert boots

1906
01:31:15,937 --> 01:31:19,350
is diving out of a fucking fan boat
on top of me?

1907
01:31:19,507 --> 01:31:21,680
What the fuck is going on?

1908
01:31:21,843 --> 01:31:23,345
We gotta do something.

1909
01:31:23,511 --> 01:31:25,957
We gotta eat
a couple fucking infants."

1910
01:31:26,114 --> 01:31:28,287
( laughter)

1911
01:31:28,450 --> 01:31:30,657
"Or don't eat them,
but we maim them.

1912
01:31:30,819 --> 01:31:33,527
Like, whatever we gotta do.
Somebody's gonna have to--

1913
01:31:33,688 --> 01:31:35,395
somebody's gonna have to
take out an infant.

1914
01:31:35,557 --> 01:31:37,969
This has-- this has
gotten out of control."

1915
01:31:38,126 --> 01:31:40,902
"12 Years a Slave" won Best Picture,
and everybody knew

1916
01:31:41,062 --> 01:31:42,700
that "12 Years a Slave"
was going to win Best Picture,

1917
01:31:42,864 --> 01:31:44,502
because nobody was gonna vote
against a movie

1918
01:31:44,666 --> 01:31:47,306
called "12 Years a Slave"
for Best Picture.

1919
01:31:47,469 --> 01:31:49,005
Just not gonna happen.

1920
01:31:49,170 --> 01:31:51,172
And in that sense,
I do think it was a little bit,

1921
01:31:51,339 --> 01:31:53,717
you know, not playing fair
with the title.

1922
01:31:53,875 --> 01:31:55,912
I think if you wanted to be
a little bit more evenhanded,

1923
01:31:56,077 --> 01:31:57,988
you could just as easily
call it, you know,

1924
01:31:58,146 --> 01:31:59,750
"The Slave That Got Off
Relatively Easy,"

1925
01:31:59,914 --> 01:32:01,518
like, historically speaking,
because...

1926
01:32:01,683 --> 01:32:03,924
( laughter)

1927
01:32:05,754 --> 01:32:07,529
Well, listen,
if anybody here tonight

1928
01:32:07,689 --> 01:32:09,862
has been a slave
for any period of time, I--

1929
01:32:10,025 --> 01:32:12,437
I just want to say that joke
is not meant to offend you.

1930
01:32:12,594 --> 01:32:14,039
I want to say thank you
for your service,

1931
01:32:14,195 --> 01:32:16,038
though it seems
inappropriate.

1932
01:32:16,197 --> 01:32:18,040
Um...

1933
01:32:18,199 --> 01:32:19,872
( laughter)

1934
01:32:20,035 --> 01:32:22,174
But the point is,
most of the time,

1935
01:32:22,337 --> 01:32:24,180
if you know your history,
that was a life sentence.

1936
01:32:24,339 --> 01:32:27,718
So like, 48 years, or however long
people lived back then.

1937
01:32:27,876 --> 01:32:30,356
It seems unfair to those people
to spotlight this one guy.

1938
01:32:30,512 --> 01:32:32,389
Like, if you brought
those people forward to today

1939
01:32:32,547 --> 01:32:34,584
and they saw this movie,
they'd be like,

1940
01:32:34,749 --> 01:32:37,355
"What the hell?
Where's my movie?" You know?

1941
01:32:37,519 --> 01:32:38,554
( laughter)

1942
01:32:38,720 --> 01:32:42,258
"I earned this times four,
or however long I lived back then.

1943
01:32:42,424 --> 01:32:44,563
This has got to be like
the second-greatest injustice

1944
01:32:44,726 --> 01:32:47,605
- that's ever happened to me."
-( laughter)

1945
01:32:49,931 --> 01:32:51,274
The first being
actual slavery.

1946
01:32:51,433 --> 01:32:53,470
I don't know if everybody's
picking up on that.

1947
01:32:53,635 --> 01:32:55,239
I'm worried about the kids.
This is why I'm concerned

1948
01:32:55,403 --> 01:32:56,905
about the kids,
because I got a buddy,

1949
01:32:57,072 --> 01:32:58,449
he's got some little kids,
and he invited me to come out,

1950
01:32:58,606 --> 01:33:00,085
<i>watch</i> them play soccer,
right?

1951
01:33:00,241 --> 01:33:01,743
Sounds innocent.
I got out there two minutes late.

1952
01:33:01,910 --> 01:33:03,753
I was like, "Hey, what's the score
of the soccer game?"

1953
01:33:03,912 --> 01:33:07,450
He goes, "Uh, listen,
we don't keep score here.

1954
01:33:07,615 --> 01:33:10,755
Uh, all these kids
are winners."

1955
01:33:10,919 --> 01:33:12,592
( laughter)

1956
01:33:12,754 --> 01:33:14,392
I was like, "That kid's got
his jersey on inside out

1957
01:33:14,556 --> 01:33:17,765
and he's chasing a butterfly.
That kid's not a winner."

1958
01:33:17,926 --> 01:33:20,429
All these kids are winners?
A school district in Connecticut--

1959
01:33:20,595 --> 01:33:23,337
this is not made up--
has outlawed the use of red pen,

1960
01:33:23,498 --> 01:33:26,809
'cause they say red
is too aggressive of a color.

1961
01:33:26,968 --> 01:33:29,949
Kids are gonna see the color red
and be reminded of their failure.

1962
01:33:30,105 --> 01:33:32,483
Then when they get older,
they're gonna see red and be insecure.

1963
01:33:32,640 --> 01:33:34,779
Man:
Boo!

1964
01:33:34,943 --> 01:33:36,183
Yeah, you can boo that.
Yeah, sure.

1965
01:33:36,344 --> 01:33:37,448
Like, here was
the grading system

1966
01:33:37,612 --> 01:33:41,253
when we were coming
through school-- "A, B, C, D, F."

1967
01:33:41,416 --> 01:33:43,760
Like, we skipped a letter
to make sure

1968
01:33:43,918 --> 01:33:45,795
kids knew they were failures.

1969
01:33:45,954 --> 01:33:47,524
That's the thing is,
I do get excited

1970
01:33:47,689 --> 01:33:49,100
when I see
another little person,

1971
01:33:49,257 --> 01:33:52,136
because I'm not thinking
about this constantly.

1972
01:33:52,293 --> 01:33:54,500
I'm not. I don't walk around
all day in my head

1973
01:33:54,662 --> 01:33:56,198
just, "I'm a midget,
I'm a midget, I'm a midget..."

1974
01:33:56,364 --> 01:33:58,776
Like, I don't do that.

1975
01:34:00,135 --> 01:34:01,614
I know.

1976
01:34:01,769 --> 01:34:04,010
If your life had a DVR,
you would have all

1977
01:34:04,172 --> 01:34:06,709
"15-seconds-ed" back
in that exact moment.

1978
01:34:06,875 --> 01:34:08,354
( Beeps )
"I got to do that shit again.

1979
01:34:08,510 --> 01:34:10,547
All right. Yeah."

1980
01:34:10,712 --> 01:34:13,352
But I do. I get--
I get really happy.

1981
01:34:13,515 --> 01:34:16,496
Now if I see another dwarf
and it's a male,

1982
01:34:16,651 --> 01:34:19,655
if I see a male little person,
I don't know why this is,

1983
01:34:19,821 --> 01:34:23,064
- but I have to fight him.
- ( laughter )

1984
01:34:23,224 --> 01:34:25,636
And I don't know why.
Like, I don't want to fight him.

1985
01:34:25,793 --> 01:34:27,295
He doesn't want to fight me.
But we see each other,

1986
01:34:27,462 --> 01:34:30,341
we're like, "It's go timel"
Like, why-- why is that?

1987
01:34:30,498 --> 01:34:34,036
Are dwarves like Highlanders?
Like, "There could be only one."

1988
01:34:34,202 --> 01:34:35,306
- I don't know.
- ( laughter )

1989
01:34:35,470 --> 01:34:37,882
( music playing )

1990
01:34:45,180 --> 01:34:48,684
♪ I found it hard to bear ♪

1991
01:34:48,850 --> 01:34:53,094
♪ When you tell me
there's nothing there ♪

1992
01:34:53,254 --> 01:34:57,760
♪ I called your telephone ♪

1993
01:34:57,926 --> 01:35:02,739
♪ But I wasn't home ♪

1994
01:35:05,900 --> 01:35:10,178
♪ Halos are burning high ♪

1995
01:35:10,338 --> 01:35:14,013
♪ Follow my lead,
that's right ♪

1996
01:35:14,175 --> 01:35:18,282
♪ I'll step out in the rain ♪

1997
01:35:18,446 --> 01:35:22,553
♪ But things just feel the same ♪

1998
01:35:23,685 --> 01:35:27,690
♪ I nod my head
in disagreement ♪

1999
01:35:27,855 --> 01:35:31,268
♪ Noticing what's wrong
and what's right. ♪

2000
01:35:31,426 --> 01:35:38,036
♪ Oh, to see your face
enter the frame ♪

2001
01:35:38,199 --> 01:35:43,649
♪ Into the blaze
I've searched for all along ♪

2002
01:35:43,805 --> 01:35:49,312
♪ Be unafraid
to call your name ♪

2003
01:35:49,477 --> 01:35:52,651
♪ To take your hand ♪

2004
01:35:52,814 --> 01:35:59,060
♪ And be unchained ♪

2005
01:35:59,220 --> 01:36:02,997
♪ Unchained ♪

2006
01:36:03,157 --> 01:36:08,607
♪ To let love free again. ♪

2007
01:36:08,763 --> 01:36:11,403
( Music continues)

2008
01:36:29,117 --> 01:36:32,997
♪ And I've been living alone
and eating on my own ♪

2009
01:36:33,154 --> 01:36:39,161
♪ And waking up to find
another day is gone ♪

2010
01:36:39,327 --> 01:36:42,467
♪ A life lived in absentia ♪

2011
01:36:45,199 --> 01:36:49,306
♪ And I've been up all night
dreaming of the life ♪

2012
01:36:49,470 --> 01:36:55,148
♪ The one I thought
I'd be living by now ♪

2013
01:36:55,310 --> 01:36:58,519
♪ Enough to miss invention. ♪

2014
01:37:25,707 --> 01:37:28,847
( Music ends)