1
00:01:08,268 --> 00:01:11,726
Bum buttery, flit fluttery
Dum diddly-ooh

2
00:01:11,938 --> 00:01:15,237
Bum buttery, bluebird
Is singing a tune

3
00:01:15,442 --> 00:01:18,775
Daffy-down-dillies awaken
And prune

4
00:01:18,978 --> 00:01:21,879
Bursting in bloom
All the flowers assume

5
00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:26,143
It's a loverly, loverly spring

6
00:01:33,359 --> 00:01:36,954
Chit-chattery chipmunks
All singing along

7
00:01:37,163 --> 00:01:40,257
Humming their
Join-in-a-spring-along song

8
00:01:40,467 --> 00:01:43,265
Spring is the springiest time
For a song

9
00:01:43,470 --> 00:01:46,769
It's a loverly, loverly spring

10
00:01:47,006 --> 00:01:51,170
In the forest we play
With the rabbits all day--

11
00:01:51,411 --> 00:01:55,404
I'm sorry to say that this is not
the movie you will be watching.

12
00:01:55,882 --> 00:02:00,251
The movie you are about to see
is extremely unpleasant.

13
00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:03,011
If you wish to see a film
about a happy little elf,

14
00:02:03,256 --> 00:02:06,521
I'm sure there is still plenty
of seating in theater number two.

15
00:02:06,726 --> 00:02:09,388
However, if you like stories
about clever

16
00:02:09,629 --> 00:02:11,824
and reasonably attractive orphans,

17
00:02:12,065 --> 00:02:15,523
suspicious fires,
carnivorous leeches,

18
00:02:15,735 --> 00:02:18,727
Italian food
and secret organizations,

19
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:20,462
then stay

20
00:02:20,740 --> 00:02:22,867
as I retrace each and every one

21
00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:26,045
of the Baudelaire children's
woeful steps.

22
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:29,744
My name is Lemony Snicket,

23
00:02:29,949 --> 00:02:33,146
and it is my sad duty
to document this tale.

24
00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:36,451
Violet Baudelaire, the eldest,

25
00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:40,649
was one of the finest 14-year-old
inventors in the world.

26
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:43,861
Anyone who knew Violet well could
tell she was inventing something

27
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:47,099
when her long hair was tied up
in a ribbon.

28
00:02:47,967 --> 00:02:51,767
In a world of abandoned items
and discarded materials,

29
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,997
Violet knew there
was always something.

30
00:02:55,408 --> 00:02:57,569
Something she could fashion
into nearly any device

31
00:02:57,777 --> 00:03:00,177
for nearly every occasion.

32
00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:04,114
And no one was better
to test her inventions

33
00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:06,044
than her brother.

34
00:03:07,620 --> 00:03:12,319
Klaus Baudelaire, the middle child,
loved books.

35
00:03:12,559 --> 00:03:15,221
Or, rather, the things he learned
from books.

36
00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:19,020
The Baudelaire parents had
an enormous library in their mansion.

37
00:03:19,332 --> 00:03:23,666
A room filled with thousands
of books on nearly every subject.

38
00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:25,733
And nothing pleased Klaus more

39
00:03:25,972 --> 00:03:30,671
than spending an afternoon filling up
his head with their contents.

40
00:03:30,977 --> 00:03:33,571
And everything he read
he remembered.

41
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:45,286
Sunny, the youngest,
had a different interest.

42
00:03:45,491 --> 00:03:49,484
She liked to bite things
and had four sharp teeth.

43
00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:53,794
There was very little that Sunny
did not enjoy biting.

44
00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:06,241
Sunny was at an age when one
mostly speaks

45
00:04:06,446 --> 00:04:09,006
in a series of unintelligible shrieks.

46
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:10,716
For instance:

47
00:04:11,317 --> 00:04:12,545
Which probably meant,

48
00:04:13,219 --> 00:04:16,518
''Look at that mysterious figure
emerging from the fog. ''

49
00:04:17,123 --> 00:04:18,852
Or perhaps,

50
00:04:19,058 --> 00:04:21,219
''What is a banker like Mr. Poe doing

51
00:04:21,461 --> 00:04:25,363
trudging thorough the sand
to find us at Briny Beach?''

52
00:04:29,235 --> 00:04:30,634
Children,

53
00:04:30,837 --> 00:04:35,740
I'm afraid I must inform you
of an extremely unfortunate event.

54
00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:40,337
I'm very, very sorry to tell you this,
but your parents have perished in a fire

55
00:04:40,546 --> 00:04:42,537
that's destroyed your entire home.

56
00:04:43,549 --> 00:04:46,245
If you have ever lost someone
very important to you,

57
00:04:46,552 --> 00:04:48,747
then you already know how it feels.

58
00:04:48,955 --> 00:04:50,286
And if you haven't,

59
00:04:50,657 --> 00:04:52,955
you cannot possibly imagine it.

60
00:05:02,335 --> 00:05:05,736
No one knows the precise cause
of the Baudelaire fire.

61
00:05:06,005 --> 00:05:08,633
My colleagues and I
have investigated the best we can.

62
00:05:08,841 --> 00:05:10,604
But all we've discovered
is that the blaze

63
00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:12,903
was started from a great distance

64
00:05:13,212 --> 00:05:16,045
through the refraction
and convergence of light.

65
00:05:16,349 --> 00:05:20,513
And within moments,
the entire mansion was in flames.

66
00:05:48,881 --> 00:05:51,645
And as mysterious as the source
of the blaze,

67
00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:55,753
other mysteries began to unfold
before the children's eyes.

68
00:05:56,289 --> 00:06:00,316
Every family has its secrets,
doors left unopened.

69
00:06:00,727 --> 00:06:02,524
But as Klaus now realized,

70
00:06:02,729 --> 00:06:06,790
the smallest discovery would send
his mind reeling with questions.

71
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:10,301
What was this spyglass hidden
in his father's desk?

72
00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:14,495
Were there other secrets about their
parents' lives yet to be revealed?

73
00:06:14,807 --> 00:06:17,605
Questions he now feared
might never be answered.

74
00:06:18,811 --> 00:06:20,438
And just like that,

75
00:06:20,813 --> 00:06:24,806
the Baudelaire children
became the Baudelaire orphans.

76
00:06:26,452 --> 00:06:28,352
I tried to warn you.

77
00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:40,828
This is an excellent opportunity
to walk out of the theater,

78
00:06:41,033 --> 00:06:44,434
Iiving room or airplane
where this film is being shown.

79
00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:49,139
It's not too late to see a film
about a happy little elf.

80
00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:53,169
Yes. Come with me.

81
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:58,547
Now, as chief officer
of Mulctuary Management

82
00:06:58,751 --> 00:07:00,480
and the executor of
your parents' estate,

83
00:07:00,686 --> 00:07:04,122
it is my legal obligation to take care
of your money till you come of age

84
00:07:04,390 --> 00:07:07,325
and to place you in the care
of your closest relative.

85
00:07:07,593 --> 00:07:10,323
So I'm taking you to live
with your dear Count Olaf,

86
00:07:10,596 --> 00:07:13,895
who resides right here in the city,
just 37 blocks away.

87
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,691
I don't think that's what ''closest''
is supposed to mean.

88
00:07:16,903 --> 00:07:18,530
We don't know a Count Olaf.

89
00:07:18,738 --> 00:07:20,035
Yes, yes, of course you do.

90
00:07:20,239 --> 00:07:22,002
He's either your third cousin
four times removed

91
00:07:22,208 --> 00:07:23,732
or your fourth cousin
three times removed.

92
00:07:25,912 --> 00:07:29,006
And he's an actor by trade.
Isn't that exciting, children?

93
00:07:31,317 --> 00:07:33,410
You should count yourselves
lucky, children.

94
00:07:33,753 --> 00:07:37,018
This sort of generosity is rare
in a person of his profession.

95
00:07:42,328 --> 00:07:44,262
Here we are, your new home.

96
00:07:45,231 --> 00:07:47,222
Isn't it lovely, children?

97
00:07:49,268 --> 00:07:50,565
Oh, hello.

98
00:07:51,337 --> 00:07:52,964
You must be the Baudelaires.

99
00:07:53,172 --> 00:07:54,434
Hi.

100
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:56,733
I was so sorry to hear
about the accident,

101
00:07:56,943 --> 00:07:59,241
but so happy to hear
you were coming here.

102
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,674
Welcome. I'm Justice Strauss
of the city high court.

103
00:08:01,881 --> 00:08:05,510
I'm Violet. And this is my brother,
Klaus, and my sister, Sunny.

104
00:08:05,785 --> 00:08:07,878
Poe, Mulctuary Management.
How do you do?

105
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:09,087
Lovely.

106
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,389
Your house is so beautiful.

107
00:08:11,624 --> 00:08:12,682
Thank you.

108
00:08:12,925 --> 00:08:15,985
Please don't be strangers.
You come visit me anytime you like.

109
00:08:17,797 --> 00:08:19,128
- Visit?
- You mean,

110
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:20,629
you don't live with Count Olaf?

111
00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:23,634
Live with--? With Count Olaf? No.

112
00:08:23,936 --> 00:08:27,633
No, no, no, no. He's--
He's my neighbor.

113
00:09:17,189 --> 00:09:19,180
Entrood.

114
00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:30,594
Haven't got all day. In you go.

115
00:09:34,507 --> 00:09:39,706
Well, hello, hello, hello.

116
00:09:39,912 --> 00:09:44,144
I am your beloved Count Olaf.

117
00:09:45,518 --> 00:09:49,852
And welcome to my loverly home.

118
00:09:50,122 --> 00:09:54,821
May you find solace within
the womblike warmth of its. . .

119
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:58,124
. . .downy plume.

120
00:09:58,731 --> 00:10:02,929
Or as the Greeks
in the ancient times would say:

121
00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:04,826
Orphanis. . .

122
00:10:05,137 --> 00:10:07,128
. . .encribo. . .

123
00:10:07,573 --> 00:10:08,972
. . .something, something, something.

124
00:10:09,241 --> 00:10:14,838
Music builds to a crescendo
Ending on the right foot

125
00:10:15,047 --> 00:10:16,878
And strike a Fosse.

126
00:10:19,051 --> 00:10:23,283
Not exactly what I was going for,
but you get the idea.

127
00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:35,460
My dear. . .

128
00:10:38,204 --> 00:10:39,671
. . .Violet.

129
00:10:40,072 --> 00:10:41,869
Enchanté.

130
00:10:45,411 --> 00:10:47,003
How do you do?

131
00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:50,174
And this must be Klaus.

132
00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:53,477
Young Klaus.

133
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:56,888
Your left side is the good one.

134
00:10:58,891 --> 00:11:00,620
And. . .

135
00:11:01,961 --> 00:11:03,826
. . .what is this?

136
00:11:06,532 --> 00:11:09,831
I'm sorry, I don't speak monkey.

137
00:11:10,369 --> 00:11:11,427
Banana.

138
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,231
Sunny's our sister.

139
00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:20,344
I must say, you're a gloomy-looking
bunch. Why so glum?

140
00:11:21,547 --> 00:11:23,344
Our parents just died.

141
00:11:23,582 --> 00:11:27,348
Oh, yes, of course.
How very, very awful.

142
00:11:27,787 --> 00:11:30,085
Wait, let me do that one more time.

143
00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:33,348
Give me the line again.
Quickly, while it's fresh in my mind.

144
00:11:33,793 --> 00:11:35,988
Our parents just. . .

145
00:11:36,462 --> 00:11:37,394
. . .died?

146
00:11:39,765 --> 00:11:41,096
Oh, yes.

147
00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:46,099
Mr. Poe. . .

148
00:11:47,973 --> 00:11:50,498
. . .I will raise these orphans

149
00:11:50,776 --> 00:11:54,212
as if they were actually wanted.

150
00:11:54,980 --> 00:11:58,006
And though you would call it
a burden, a sacrifice,

151
00:11:58,217 --> 00:12:00,208
you are mistaken, sir.

152
00:12:00,419 --> 00:12:02,319
And should be ashamed of yourself.

153
00:12:02,521 --> 00:12:04,011
The idea.

154
00:12:08,127 --> 00:12:11,221
Anyway, where do I sign
for the fortu--? I mean. . .

155
00:12:11,764 --> 00:12:13,026
. . .children.

156
00:12:13,265 --> 00:12:18,567
You won't officially have guardianship
until the hearing on Thursday morning.

157
00:12:18,838 --> 00:12:21,671
And what am I to do with them
until then?

158
00:12:22,041 --> 00:12:23,030
Excuse me?

159
00:12:23,943 --> 00:12:25,035
What I mean is. . .

160
00:12:25,244 --> 00:12:28,680
Do you work out? You look good.
Healthy, I mean.

161
00:12:29,849 --> 00:12:32,283
Well, I'd better get back to the bank.

162
00:12:32,551 --> 00:12:35,679
Can't you stay for a brief imbibement?

163
00:12:35,955 --> 00:12:38,389
A glass of port? Sanka?

164
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,491
- Well, I suppose I could--
- Another time, then.

165
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,455
Children, if you need anything,
do feel free--

166
00:12:42,661 --> 00:12:44,253
Oh, no, we're fine. We're all fine.

167
00:12:44,463 --> 00:12:45,896
Any questions be--

168
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:53,071
I realize that my humble abode

169
00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:56,605
isn't as fancy
as the Baudelaire mansion,

170
00:12:56,976 --> 00:13:00,070
but I'm coming into a great deal
of money soon,

171
00:13:00,246 --> 00:13:02,111
and I think it'll be

172
00:13:02,748 --> 00:13:05,216
quite charming when it's finished.

173
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,111
Shall we take a look?

174
00:13:11,757 --> 00:13:14,225
This is the living room.

175
00:13:14,927 --> 00:13:17,623
The kitchen.
I know what you're thinking:

176
00:13:17,930 --> 00:13:20,228
''This place could use a little TLC.''

177
00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:24,926
I trust you've had your tetanus shots.
Polio. Smallpox. Typhoid. Malaria.

178
00:13:25,137 --> 00:13:27,332
This is the entertainment
or rumpus room.

179
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,040
I'm told the ceiling can be brought
up to code in no time.

180
00:13:30,242 --> 00:13:32,267
You're not afraid of heights, are you?

181
00:13:32,845 --> 00:13:35,939
Imagine that.
A monkey afraid of heights.

182
00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:39,040
My theater.

183
00:13:39,251 --> 00:13:40,946
This way.

184
00:13:43,088 --> 00:13:44,680
What's that up there?

185
00:13:49,862 --> 00:13:51,295
The tower. . .

186
00:13:53,265 --> 00:13:55,563
. . .which you are never to enter. . .

187
00:13:57,870 --> 00:14:00,703
. . .under any circumstances.

188
00:14:08,547 --> 00:14:11,243
And this is where you'll sleep,
time permitting. Nighty-night.

189
00:14:11,450 --> 00:14:14,146
- But the sun's still up.
- ''But the sun's still up.''

190
00:14:14,620 --> 00:14:16,315
I don't know
if you've ever noticed this,

191
00:14:16,555 --> 00:14:20,116
but first impressions
are often entirely wrong.

192
00:14:20,826 --> 00:14:25,320
For instance, Klaus, when Sunny
was born, didn't like her at all.

193
00:14:25,931 --> 00:14:29,833
But by the time she was six weeks old,
the two of them were thick as thieves.

194
00:14:30,069 --> 00:14:35,371
A phrase which here means,
''fetching and biting for hours on end. ''

195
00:14:35,741 --> 00:14:37,368
In the case of Count Olaf, however. . .

196
00:14:37,676 --> 00:14:40,338
Orphans!

197
00:14:40,746 --> 00:14:42,338
. . . they were correct.

198
00:14:43,249 --> 00:14:46,047
Every morning, Count Olaf
would order the Baudelaires

199
00:14:46,252 --> 00:14:49,050
to do a great number
of terrible chores.

200
00:14:49,255 --> 00:14:53,191
After which he would stalk off
to his mysterious tower room.

201
00:15:01,033 --> 00:15:04,298
And as unfortunate
as their situation seemed,

202
00:15:05,004 --> 00:15:06,335
it was only about to get worse.

203
00:15:06,538 --> 00:15:08,199
--tub full of ice in Baja,

204
00:15:08,407 --> 00:15:11,035
and I realized that these clever girls
had stolen my kidney.

205
00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:12,710
- No!
- No!

206
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:15,813
Imagine my surprise.

207
00:15:17,049 --> 00:15:20,041
Orphans, this is my acting troupe.

208
00:15:20,319 --> 00:15:22,310
Acting troupe, orphans.

209
00:15:22,621 --> 00:15:23,918
They don't look rich.

210
00:15:25,624 --> 00:15:27,751
Ugly little people.

211
00:15:32,531 --> 00:15:35,432
Why aren't you children in the kitchen
preparing our dinner?

212
00:15:36,035 --> 00:15:37,059
Dinner?

213
00:15:37,336 --> 00:15:39,827
It's the French word
for the evening meal.

214
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:46,267
On the back. Flip it.

215
00:15:49,148 --> 00:15:51,082
We'll take it in the dining room
at 8:00.

216
00:15:51,283 --> 00:15:53,774
And we'll expect absolute silence
while we're rehearsing our play.

217
00:15:54,053 --> 00:15:56,988
- But we've never made dinner before.
- It's already 7:30.

218
00:15:57,256 --> 00:15:58,188
Eight o'clock!

219
00:16:17,009 --> 00:16:18,806
Pasta it is.

220
00:16:19,011 --> 00:16:22,742
Okay. Let's start casting this puppy.

221
00:16:25,017 --> 00:16:26,314
Now,

222
00:16:27,319 --> 00:16:29,150
who shall play

223
00:16:29,521 --> 00:16:32,957
the most handsome count
in all the world?

224
00:16:38,230 --> 00:16:40,164
Would you do it, sir?

225
00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:42,360
Oh, all right.

226
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:46,229
''Pasta puttanesca.'' That's ltalian
for ''very few ingredients,'' you know.

227
00:16:46,538 --> 00:16:47,732
That's great.

228
00:16:49,041 --> 00:16:50,235
Sunny. Little help.

229
00:16:52,077 --> 00:16:54,443
- Okay, we're gonna need a pot.
- No pot.

230
00:16:54,646 --> 00:16:57,171
- And a strainer.
- No strainer.

231
00:16:58,650 --> 00:16:59,639
Thank you.

232
00:17:01,887 --> 00:17:02,979
And a saucepan.

233
00:17:03,288 --> 00:17:07,190
This is a little piece I like to call
''Electric Chair.''

234
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:15,724
I think you might have to turn it up.

235
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,329
Is anybody out there?!

236
00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:23,800
Strainer. That's brilliant.

237
00:17:24,009 --> 00:17:25,306
Sunny, how's that pot coming?

238
00:17:28,947 --> 00:17:33,850
Sunny, that's not a pot.
It's a spittoon.

239
00:17:34,119 --> 00:17:36,610
A spittoon? You mean, like. . .?

240
00:17:38,424 --> 00:17:39,516
We'll wash it twice.

241
00:17:42,828 --> 00:17:43,920
Well?

242
00:17:44,229 --> 00:17:46,129
It's good. It's really good.

243
00:17:46,331 --> 00:17:47,298
Time check.

244
00:17:47,933 --> 00:17:50,629
Let's go back to prehistoric times,

245
00:17:50,936 --> 00:17:54,133
when dinosaurs ruled the earth.

246
00:18:07,886 --> 00:18:10,377
Baudelaire orphans
to the courtesy desk.

247
00:18:10,622 --> 00:18:12,590
Baudelaire orphans
to the courtesy desk.

248
00:18:25,137 --> 00:18:26,195
What do you want?

249
00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:28,704
Dinner is served.

250
00:18:32,144 --> 00:18:33,236
Puttanesca.

251
00:18:33,612 --> 00:18:34,943
What did you call me?

252
00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:38,610
It's pasta. Pasta puttanesca.

253
00:18:38,851 --> 00:18:40,546
Where's the roast beef?

254
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:42,810
Roast beef?

255
00:18:43,322 --> 00:18:44,949
Beef. Yes. Roast beef.

256
00:18:45,824 --> 00:18:49,123
It's the Swedish term for beef
that is roasted.

257
00:18:50,662 --> 00:18:53,358
But you didn't tell us
you wanted roast beef.

258
00:18:57,836 --> 00:19:02,603
You know, there's a big world out there
filled with desperate orphans

259
00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:05,368
who would gladly swim across
an ocean of thumbtacks

260
00:19:05,577 --> 00:19:10,776
just to be eclipsed by the long shadow
that is cast by my accomplishments.

261
00:19:11,283 --> 00:19:13,274
But I don't care about them.

262
00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:16,582
I chose to open my heart

263
00:19:17,022 --> 00:19:20,321
to you two loverly children

264
00:19:20,692 --> 00:19:22,785
and your hideous primate.

265
00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:26,431
All I ask in return is that you do each
and every thing that pops into my head

266
00:19:26,632 --> 00:19:30,796
while I enjoy the enormous fortune
your parents left behind.

267
00:19:31,236 --> 00:19:33,636
- No.
- Why, you litt--

268
00:19:49,121 --> 00:19:53,217
It's time you children learned
a little respect.

269
00:19:53,458 --> 00:19:54,550
You put her down!

270
00:19:57,329 --> 00:19:58,921
You monster!

271
00:20:02,267 --> 00:20:04,531
You all saw it. The boy slipped.

272
00:20:04,736 --> 00:20:07,227
You won't get a cent
until Violet turns 18.

273
00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:09,670
Oh, really?

274
00:20:10,242 --> 00:20:11,174
Says who?

275
00:20:11,443 --> 00:20:12,933
The law. Look it up.

276
00:20:13,145 --> 00:20:15,545
We're going to call Mr. Poe
about this right now.

277
00:20:23,655 --> 00:20:24,952
Are you?

278
00:20:27,759 --> 00:20:30,387
I'm very disappointed
in you, children.

279
00:20:33,565 --> 00:20:35,499
Where were we?

280
00:20:36,201 --> 00:20:37,566
Are you okay?

281
00:20:37,769 --> 00:20:39,259
No.

282
00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:44,272
Klaus, what are you doing?

283
00:20:44,509 --> 00:20:46,500
- I'm going.
- Going where?

284
00:20:46,712 --> 00:20:47,974
Home.

285
00:20:48,513 --> 00:20:50,572
This is our home now.

286
00:20:52,985 --> 00:20:54,680
This is not home.

287
00:20:55,187 --> 00:20:57,781
Home is where your parents
put you to bed at night.

288
00:20:58,090 --> 00:20:59,523
Where they teach you to ride a bike.

289
00:20:59,825 --> 00:21:02,919
Or where they get all choked up
on your first day of school.

290
00:21:03,128 --> 00:21:05,460
This is not home.

291
00:21:09,234 --> 00:21:11,065
How could they do this to us?

292
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:12,430
They're just bad people.

293
00:21:12,971 --> 00:21:15,030
Not them. Mom and Dad.

294
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:16,832
- Klaus!
- What?

295
00:21:17,042 --> 00:21:20,068
Violet, you're thinking it too.
How could they?

296
00:21:20,345 --> 00:21:21,972
They had no plan for us at all?

297
00:21:22,247 --> 00:21:24,340
Well, maybe they did have a plan.

298
00:21:25,150 --> 00:21:27,141
Well, sure looks like it to me.

299
00:21:34,993 --> 00:21:38,053
Do you remember
when Mom and Dad went to Europe?

300
00:21:39,064 --> 00:21:42,261
And we thought they'd abandoned us
because they didn't even write.

301
00:21:42,467 --> 00:21:44,162
Then we found out they'd written
a long letter.

302
00:21:44,369 --> 00:21:45,666
It had just gotten lost in the mail.

303
00:21:45,871 --> 00:21:49,363
Do you remember how guilty we felt
for thinking bad thoughts about them?

304
00:21:50,909 --> 00:21:52,069
This is just like that.

305
00:21:53,278 --> 00:21:54,677
No, it's not.

306
00:21:55,580 --> 00:21:56,808
Why?

307
00:21:59,117 --> 00:22:03,019
Because they're not in Europe.
They're not coming back.

308
00:22:10,228 --> 00:22:14,358
Do you think anything
will ever feel like home again?

309
00:22:27,946 --> 00:22:29,436
''Sanctuary''

310
00:22:29,748 --> 00:22:35,050
is a word which here means, ''a small,
safe place in a troubling world. ''

311
00:22:36,254 --> 00:22:41,248
Like an oasis in a vast desert
or an island in a stormy sea.

312
00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:44,290
The Baudelaires enjoyed their evening
in the sanctuary they'd built together.

313
00:22:44,496 --> 00:22:45,463
I see it. I see it.

314
00:22:45,664 --> 00:22:50,067
But in their hearts they knew that
the troubling world lay just outside.

315
00:22:50,268 --> 00:22:54,102
A world which, I'm sad to say,
can be described in two dismal words.

316
00:22:54,406 --> 00:22:56,271
Custody granted.

317
00:22:59,111 --> 00:23:02,706
Thank you, Your Honor.
Nice doing business with you.

318
00:23:09,755 --> 00:23:14,215
Children, I've been contemplating
our situation,

319
00:23:14,426 --> 00:23:19,625
and I realize that I've been
a bit standoffish, shall we say.

320
00:23:19,931 --> 00:23:22,229
Which in this case is a big,
big word meaning--

321
00:23:22,434 --> 00:23:23,765
Pure evil.

322
00:23:24,035 --> 00:23:26,526
--tough, but fair.

323
00:23:27,072 --> 00:23:29,768
But now that we're family,
I can make it up to you.

324
00:23:29,975 --> 00:23:33,138
I can be the ultimate dad.

325
00:23:33,478 --> 00:23:35,844
I know. Let's stop for a treat.

326
00:23:40,552 --> 00:23:42,144
Soda. Soda. Banana.

327
00:23:44,556 --> 00:23:45,750
Got it.

328
00:24:05,410 --> 00:24:09,403
Violet, where'd the locks go?

329
00:24:16,955 --> 00:24:20,721
Hello. I'm going on a perfectly
innocent ride in the country

330
00:24:20,926 --> 00:24:23,224
with my kids, whom I love.

331
00:24:23,462 --> 00:24:25,123
Is that clock correct?

332
00:24:31,236 --> 00:24:32,828
What is it?

333
00:24:33,839 --> 00:24:35,932
I think it's a schedule.

334
00:24:56,461 --> 00:25:01,023
Kiwi Watermelon Surprise. My favorite.

335
00:25:12,143 --> 00:25:13,303
Go!

336
00:25:19,017 --> 00:25:21,611
- He took the keys.
- Try everything.

337
00:25:30,028 --> 00:25:33,520
Chit-chattery chipmunks all singing--

338
00:25:36,568 --> 00:25:38,035
Count Olaf? Hello. Poe.

339
00:25:38,236 --> 00:25:41,171
I'm calling you back about
that inheritance question you raised.

340
00:25:41,439 --> 00:25:43,168
- Mr. Poe, thank goodness.
- Who is this?

341
00:25:43,441 --> 00:25:45,341
It's Violet Baudelaire.
We're in Count Olaf's car.

342
00:25:45,544 --> 00:25:47,341
Oh, hello, Violet.
Well, where's Count Olaf?

343
00:25:47,579 --> 00:25:48,671
He's not here right now, but--

344
00:25:48,947 --> 00:25:50,847
You're driving the car alone?

345
00:25:51,082 --> 00:25:53,846
No. We're-- The car's on the train
tracks, and the train is coming.

346
00:25:54,085 --> 00:25:58,545
I'm sorry, Violet, I can't hear a thing.
I'm driving next to a train!

347
00:25:58,790 --> 00:26:00,985
We're going to be hit by a train.

348
00:26:01,192 --> 00:26:04,684
Right. Yes. I can't hear
because of the train!

349
00:26:04,896 --> 00:26:08,195
I'll call you back when I get
to the bank! Goodbye!

350
00:26:13,905 --> 00:26:18,501
Klaus, you've read books on trains.
What do we do?

351
00:26:25,250 --> 00:26:26,547
The track switcher.

352
00:26:26,851 --> 00:26:28,011
There!

353
00:26:31,756 --> 00:26:32,848
It's too far away.

354
00:26:33,124 --> 00:26:36,025
No. There has to be something
we can use to pull it.

355
00:26:36,227 --> 00:26:39,162
- There's nothing in here.
- There's always something.

356
00:26:41,132 --> 00:26:43,032
Sunny, bite the head off that elf.

357
00:27:18,203 --> 00:27:19,295
Quick, pull it back in.

358
00:27:25,910 --> 00:27:27,810
- Violet.
- I got it.

359
00:27:28,113 --> 00:27:29,740
I don't mean to rush you.

360
00:27:36,021 --> 00:27:37,648
- Nice shot.
- Thank you. Pull.

361
00:28:38,950 --> 00:28:43,853
Mr. Poe. Dear Mr. Poe. Can't we
discuss this like reasonable men?

362
00:28:44,055 --> 00:28:45,454
I'm sorry, Count Olaf.

363
00:28:45,657 --> 00:28:47,625
Allowing a child of Sunny's age
to drive a car

364
00:28:47,859 --> 00:28:48,951
is simply not good parenting.

365
00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:50,218
He tried to kill us.

366
00:28:50,428 --> 00:28:53,727
Let us not exaggerate, Klaus.
The vehicle was not even in gear.

367
00:28:54,532 --> 00:28:59,231
May I have a moment
alone with the children?

368
00:29:03,875 --> 00:29:05,274
Goodbye, kids.

369
00:29:05,877 --> 00:29:07,401
It's been fun.

370
00:29:07,679 --> 00:29:09,476
I'm going to get you.
No matter where you go,

371
00:29:09,681 --> 00:29:12,673
no matter what you do, I'll find you.

372
00:29:13,118 --> 00:29:15,712
You are so deceased.

373
00:29:21,092 --> 00:29:22,787
Take them, Mr. Poe. . .

374
00:29:24,195 --> 00:29:26,493
. . .before I lose it, bigtime.

375
00:29:27,699 --> 00:29:29,291
Trumping a talentless villain

376
00:29:29,601 --> 00:29:32,729
might seem all in a day's work
for three ingenious orphans.

377
00:29:33,138 --> 00:29:35,402
But the Baudelaires
savored their victory

378
00:29:35,607 --> 00:29:38,235
as they sped
towards their new home.

379
00:29:38,510 --> 00:29:40,705
What lay ahead for them
was unclear,

380
00:29:40,945 --> 00:29:43,140
but they remained
cautiously optimistic

381
00:29:43,348 --> 00:29:46,408
that their next guardian would be
better than the last.

382
00:29:46,651 --> 00:29:50,314
Or at least wouldn't try
to flatten them with a train.

383
00:29:56,828 --> 00:29:59,922
Do you know
what kind of scientist he is?

384
00:30:00,131 --> 00:30:02,725
No, I don't. I was far too busy
making arrangements for you three.

385
00:30:02,934 --> 00:30:04,128
I didn't have time for chitchat.

386
00:30:04,369 --> 00:30:05,631
Hello!

387
00:30:06,337 --> 00:30:10,171
Oh, my goodness.

388
00:30:10,441 --> 00:30:13,274
Look at you. You must be Violet.

389
00:30:13,478 --> 00:30:15,673
Do you remember me?
I don't suppose so.

390
00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:17,939
You were just a little baby
at the time.

391
00:30:18,249 --> 00:30:21,446
And, Klaus, we've never met.
How do you d--?

392
00:30:22,153 --> 00:30:25,281
What a firm grip.
Like a Burmese python.

393
00:30:25,590 --> 00:30:30,892
And Sunny. Little Sunny. You look
so much like your dear mother.

394
00:30:31,362 --> 00:30:34,854
Thank you very much, Mr. Poe.
I'll take it from here.

395
00:30:35,567 --> 00:30:37,364
Oh, perhaps I should come inside.

396
00:30:37,569 --> 00:30:39,059
Oh, by all means.

397
00:30:39,871 --> 00:30:41,668
You could help us pick out
the gut worms

398
00:30:41,873 --> 00:30:43,670
from the bowel of the Viscid Boa.

399
00:30:44,309 --> 00:30:47,369
Children, remember,
if you need me anytime,

400
00:30:47,579 --> 00:30:51,015
you can reach me by phone or fax.

401
00:30:51,282 --> 00:30:52,408
Good day.

402
00:30:56,421 --> 00:30:58,389
Well, we got rid of him, didn't we?

403
00:30:58,690 --> 00:31:01,853
Come in. Come in. There's not
much time, and we have to pack.

404
00:31:03,027 --> 00:31:04,221
Pack?

405
00:31:06,664 --> 00:31:07,722
Did you say ''pack''?

406
00:31:07,932 --> 00:31:11,231
Oh, yes. We have to pack
all the equipment.

407
00:31:11,636 --> 00:31:14,036
Then there's the essentials,
like clothing and such.

408
00:31:14,239 --> 00:31:16,730
And we have to tag all of the snakes
who are coming with us.

409
00:31:16,941 --> 00:31:18,033
Coming where?

410
00:31:18,243 --> 00:31:20,370
Oh, did I mention we're going
to Peru?

411
00:31:20,578 --> 00:31:22,944
- No.
- Yes, we're going to Peru.

412
00:31:23,147 --> 00:31:26,378
Tomorrow morning.
Isn't that exciting?

413
00:31:26,651 --> 00:31:28,084
This way to the Reptile Room.

414
00:31:30,788 --> 00:31:33,757
Welcome to my humble abode.

415
00:31:34,158 --> 00:31:36,752
You children know anything
about snakes?

416
00:31:37,462 --> 00:31:39,089
Only what I've read in books.

417
00:31:39,497 --> 00:31:41,260
No, not very much.

418
00:31:41,966 --> 00:31:46,062
Well, we may have one or two things
here that aren't in books.

419
00:31:47,171 --> 00:31:51,767
I'll just put the big fellow in his bed and
introduce you to a few of me friends.

420
00:31:52,677 --> 00:31:54,110
Over here. . .

421
00:31:54,312 --> 00:31:55,609
That's the two-headed cobra.

422
00:31:55,813 --> 00:31:57,781
Well spotted.

423
00:31:57,982 --> 00:31:59,472
Is that a he or a she?

424
00:31:59,884 --> 00:32:02,250
I have no idea.
Didn't think it polite to ask.

425
00:32:02,820 --> 00:32:06,415
And over here,
the Tibetan Third-Eye Toad.

426
00:32:06,624 --> 00:32:10,025
We can't stop this fellow chanting.
Om. Ribbit.

427
00:32:10,428 --> 00:32:14,262
And now, children, you have
to see my latest discovery.

428
00:32:14,465 --> 00:32:19,266
Found him in Tanzania. One of a kind.
The lncredibly Deadly Viper.

429
00:32:19,938 --> 00:32:24,534
My assistant, Gustav, and I may be
the only people ever to have seen him.

430
00:32:51,269 --> 00:32:54,761
Oh, I'm sorry. My ribbon just jammed.

431
00:32:54,973 --> 00:32:56,964
Let me just adjust it here.

432
00:32:58,710 --> 00:32:59,677
Right.

433
00:32:59,877 --> 00:33:00,844
There we are.

434
00:33:01,145 --> 00:33:02,305
Now,

435
00:33:03,014 --> 00:33:04,140
where was I?

436
00:33:04,415 --> 00:33:07,111
Oh, yes. The attack
of the Incredibly Deadly Viper.

437
00:33:08,419 --> 00:33:11,513
Not to worry, little one.
You're all right.

438
00:33:11,723 --> 00:33:14,419
It can't possibly harm you.
Here we go.

439
00:33:14,759 --> 00:33:17,922
The lncredibly Deadly Viper
couldn't have possibly harmed her?

440
00:33:18,129 --> 00:33:19,858
No. No, no, no, no.

441
00:33:21,933 --> 00:33:23,423
It's a big softy.

442
00:33:23,735 --> 00:33:26,226
One of the least harmful
and most friendly creatures

443
00:33:26,437 --> 00:33:27,734
in the animal kingdom.

444
00:33:27,939 --> 00:33:29,065
It's a misnomer.

445
00:33:29,273 --> 00:33:32,640
I only called him that to play a prank
on those stuffed shirts

446
00:33:32,844 --> 00:33:34,835
down at the Herpetological Society.

447
00:33:35,079 --> 00:33:37,843
Uncle Monty,
why are we going to Peru?

448
00:33:38,282 --> 00:33:40,079
Just this morning I was wondering,

449
00:33:40,351 --> 00:33:42,546
''How are we all going to get
out of town together?''

450
00:33:42,787 --> 00:33:46,245
And I thought, ''Peru.''
They have snakes in Peru, don't they?

451
00:33:46,457 --> 00:33:48,948
But why are we getting out of town?

452
00:33:50,595 --> 00:33:54,554
Violet, do you know snakes are more
afraid of you than you are of them?

453
00:33:55,967 --> 00:33:57,457
Few people do.

454
00:33:58,269 --> 00:34:00,737
When threatened,
a snake will retreat to a place

455
00:34:00,938 --> 00:34:04,203
that is quiet, safe, remote.

456
00:34:05,309 --> 00:34:10,337
A sanctuary.
Where it can feel out of danger.

457
00:34:12,250 --> 00:34:13,911
That's why Peru.

458
00:34:18,322 --> 00:34:20,722
Wait, that spyglass.
I saw one just like that in our dad's--

459
00:34:20,925 --> 00:34:22,722
Plenty of time for chitchat later.

460
00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:25,724
But right now, what I need
is an inventor,

461
00:34:25,930 --> 00:34:27,261
a reader

462
00:34:27,465 --> 00:34:29,126
and a biter.

463
00:34:29,333 --> 00:34:30,425
Know any?

464
00:34:37,975 --> 00:34:42,469
High upon Highlands
And low upon Tay

465
00:34:43,781 --> 00:34:48,980
Bonnie George Campbell
Rode out on a day

466
00:34:49,987 --> 00:34:54,981
Saddled and bridled
So gallant rode he

467
00:34:55,860 --> 00:35:00,797
Home came his good horse
But never came he

468
00:35:03,134 --> 00:35:06,797
Petunia, what have I told you
about this?

469
00:35:07,004 --> 00:35:09,302
She thinks I'm a tree, you know.

470
00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:14,909
I think I know that song. I think-- I think
our parents used to play it for us.

471
00:35:15,113 --> 00:35:18,241
They certainly did. As I did for mine.

472
00:35:18,449 --> 00:35:20,940
- You had children?
- Oh, yes.

473
00:35:21,652 --> 00:35:24,018
And a wife and a home.

474
00:35:25,723 --> 00:35:26,815
Until the fire.

475
00:35:28,226 --> 00:35:29,523
A fire?

476
00:35:31,028 --> 00:35:34,020
I may know better than anyone
what you're going through.

477
00:35:35,533 --> 00:35:37,125
But it's gonna be all right.

478
00:35:37,668 --> 00:35:42,162
We'll be among people who
understand us. People who are like us.

479
00:35:42,673 --> 00:35:44,834
People who appreciate
unique children

480
00:35:45,042 --> 00:35:50,344
who can read and invent
and bite things.

481
00:35:52,750 --> 00:35:55,844
Uncle Monty, why are you doing
all this for us?

482
00:35:57,555 --> 00:35:59,682
Isn't that what family does?

483
00:36:00,525 --> 00:36:03,983
''And so the Baudelaire children
went to Peru

484
00:36:04,195 --> 00:36:05,924
and together had
wonderful adventures

485
00:36:06,130 --> 00:36:09,497
with their loving
and wonderful new guardian.

486
00:36:10,201 --> 00:36:12,192
The end. ''

487
00:36:14,005 --> 00:36:16,701
These are the words
I desperately wish I could type.

488
00:36:17,008 --> 00:36:21,308
Oh, I would give anything
to say that the story ends here.

489
00:36:21,512 --> 00:36:24,208
But alas, my mission is
not to weave happy endings

490
00:36:24,382 --> 00:36:27,715
where they do not occur
but to report the actual events

491
00:36:27,919 --> 00:36:31,047
in the lives of the unfortunate
Baudelaire children.

492
00:36:32,056 --> 00:36:33,921
And as much as it pains me,

493
00:36:34,125 --> 00:36:37,925
I must confess that their troubles
had only just begun.

494
00:36:38,129 --> 00:36:41,223
And it did so with two musical notes.

495
00:36:56,480 --> 00:36:57,742
Hello.

496
00:36:57,949 --> 00:37:02,579
I am looking
for Dr. Montgomery Montgomery.

497
00:37:04,388 --> 00:37:07,880
I am Stephano. I am an ltalian man,

498
00:37:08,226 --> 00:37:13,528
and I am here to assist him
in his research as best I can.

499
00:37:13,731 --> 00:37:17,895
As well as to facilitate
and remain observatory.

500
00:37:18,102 --> 00:37:19,592
You're Count Olaf.

501
00:37:24,809 --> 00:37:28,210
Now, why would you say
something like that?

502
00:37:28,746 --> 00:37:32,443
I have never met such a person
as a Count Olaf,

503
00:37:32,750 --> 00:37:35,116
but if I had,

504
00:37:35,319 --> 00:37:39,915
I'm sure he would look and sound
completely different.

505
00:37:40,324 --> 00:37:42,451
You're Olaf,
and we're not letting you in.

506
00:37:48,532 --> 00:37:53,128
Well, perhaps you should re-evaluate
your hypothesis.

507
00:37:53,838 --> 00:37:57,831
Anyway, that's why you should
never run with one of these, kids.

508
00:37:58,042 --> 00:38:00,602
Words of wisdom indeed,
Mr. Stephano.

509
00:38:00,811 --> 00:38:03,405
Oops, you caught me being
a mentor.

510
00:38:03,681 --> 00:38:06,616
And bless you for coming
at such short notice.

511
00:38:06,884 --> 00:38:08,476
Not at all, not at all.

512
00:38:08,719 --> 00:38:12,587
My chief assistant, Gustav, took sick
and phoned not one hour ago.

513
00:38:12,790 --> 00:38:15,281
He'd give anything
to be here right now.

514
00:38:18,896 --> 00:38:20,796
Thank goodness you were available.

515
00:38:21,032 --> 00:38:25,935
Well, I am a fan, if I may gush.

516
00:38:26,203 --> 00:38:29,434
Your work has profoundly influenced
my research

517
00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:32,803
up at the Monterey Bay Aquarium. . .

518
00:38:34,512 --> 00:38:35,809
. . .on the sea snake.

519
00:38:36,414 --> 00:38:38,939
It's a very volatile animal.

520
00:38:39,250 --> 00:38:44,552
- Perhaps we should--
- I've been bitten 43. . . 700 times.

521
00:38:45,122 --> 00:38:46,555
Mostly on the face.

522
00:38:46,757 --> 00:38:49,726
A lot of this has been reconstructed.

523
00:38:50,027 --> 00:38:51,517
But I think they did one heck of a job,

524
00:38:51,729 --> 00:38:55,028
even though my mustache
is a tad askew.

525
00:38:58,235 --> 00:39:01,602
I wonder if I could get the kids
to help me in with my bags.

526
00:39:01,872 --> 00:39:04,966
My left side is somewhat
neurologically challenged.

527
00:39:05,209 --> 00:39:06,870
- But of course. Children--
- Uncle Monty--

528
00:39:07,178 --> 00:39:11,274
Please. Let us not be rude
to our guest.

529
00:39:11,582 --> 00:39:12,776
Now, go on.

530
00:39:14,085 --> 00:39:15,484
What's he up to?

531
00:39:15,686 --> 00:39:16,675
I don't know.

532
00:39:16,921 --> 00:39:21,324
There is no good moment, of course,
for a notorious villain to arrive.

533
00:39:21,525 --> 00:39:23,493
But the timing
of Olaf's reappearance,

534
00:39:23,694 --> 00:39:27,186
just when Dr. Montgomery's secret
could be revealed to the children,

535
00:39:27,398 --> 00:39:30,094
was almost more
than Klaus could bear.

536
00:39:30,301 --> 00:39:31,598
Violet, listen to me.

537
00:39:32,036 --> 00:39:35,335
Monty's spyglass. I saw
the exact same one in Dad's desk.

538
00:39:36,140 --> 00:39:39,109
- Klaus, it's just a coincidence.
- Violet, no.

539
00:39:39,310 --> 00:39:41,210
Everything happens for a reason.

540
00:39:41,412 --> 00:39:44,711
Now, the children will be helping us
extensively with the research in Peru.

541
00:39:44,915 --> 00:39:46,348
Do you have experience
with children?

542
00:39:46,617 --> 00:39:49,848
Children are strange
and foreign to me.

543
00:39:50,821 --> 00:39:52,220
I never really was one.

544
00:39:52,423 --> 00:39:55,824
I know that they are
an important part of the ecosystem.

545
00:39:56,127 --> 00:39:58,027
He's never gonna let us alone
with Monty.

546
00:39:58,229 --> 00:39:59,628
We've gotta get a message to him.

547
00:40:00,331 --> 00:40:01,730
Leave that to me.

548
00:40:03,033 --> 00:40:05,228
I was feeding the moray,

549
00:40:05,669 --> 00:40:09,435
and of course, I got cocky.

550
00:40:09,640 --> 00:40:13,474
And that's all it takes.
That's all it takes, is one time.

551
00:40:16,280 --> 00:40:17,440
Just once.

552
00:40:17,681 --> 00:40:20,445
I had the kipper in my mouth,
and I offered it.

553
00:40:20,751 --> 00:40:24,187
And there was a team from
National Geographic that were there.

554
00:40:24,455 --> 00:40:25,786
They were filming the whole thing.

555
00:40:25,990 --> 00:40:29,482
And, well, a lot of people don't
know this about the moray,

556
00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:32,456
but you think, you know, ''This can't be
a tremendously strong animal.''

557
00:40:32,663 --> 00:40:34,961
I mean, sure, it has a certain amount
of strength,

558
00:40:35,166 --> 00:40:38,499
but how does it pull a man's face
into a cave?

559
00:40:39,003 --> 00:40:41,164
Anyway, long story short,

560
00:40:41,405 --> 00:40:43,703
the bends,
a reconstructive surgery. . .

561
00:40:43,908 --> 00:40:49,073
But yes, from my understanding,
Peru is a wonderful place.

562
00:40:49,380 --> 00:40:51,211
The beaches. The people.

563
00:40:51,482 --> 00:40:52,676
The relaxed guardianship laws.

564
00:40:54,118 --> 00:40:56,018
Relaxed guardianship laws?

565
00:40:57,788 --> 00:40:59,221
Did I say that?

566
00:41:00,758 --> 00:41:02,123
Darn neurotoxins.

567
00:41:02,526 --> 00:41:06,860
Oh, Stephano, you have
a wonderful gift for storytelling.

568
00:41:07,164 --> 00:41:09,860
- Doesn't he, children?
- Oh, yeah.

569
00:41:10,067 --> 00:41:13,127
I was wondering if you wouldn't mind
milking Petunia for me.

570
00:41:13,337 --> 00:41:18,639
Petunia. Well, the milking. . .
Now, see, what I was--

571
00:41:18,843 --> 00:41:20,037
Could I just. . .?

572
00:41:20,244 --> 00:41:23,145
Yeah, sure. I'll take a shot at that.

573
00:41:23,581 --> 00:41:27,244
Now, they used to call me Old
MacDonald up at the milking lab there,

574
00:41:27,451 --> 00:41:29,385
because I'd milk these things
all day long.

575
00:41:29,653 --> 00:41:33,384
But the little udders
are hard to locate.

576
00:41:34,959 --> 00:41:37,951
Anyway, why don't you take that

577
00:41:38,162 --> 00:41:40,960
and go ahead and start the party
without me, and then. . .

578
00:41:41,265 --> 00:41:46,259
I'm not sure I brought my milking gear.
I'll take a gander.

579
00:41:57,781 --> 00:41:59,078
Is he still watching?

580
00:42:00,417 --> 00:42:01,509
Yes.

581
00:42:02,019 --> 00:42:03,953
Don't look at me.
Pretend you're talking to Klaus.

582
00:42:04,221 --> 00:42:06,018
Okay.

583
00:42:06,223 --> 00:42:09,522
I got your message.
Don't worry. I know.

584
00:42:09,727 --> 00:42:11,718
- You do?
- Yes.

585
00:42:11,929 --> 00:42:14,864
A moray eel would never eat kippers.
Far too salty.

586
00:42:15,232 --> 00:42:17,564
And did you see the way he kept
glancing into my satchel,

587
00:42:17,768 --> 00:42:19,929
where I keep
the exotic snake venoms?

588
00:42:20,237 --> 00:42:24,139
You children were right.
Stephano is an imposter.

589
00:42:24,341 --> 00:42:25,330
Yes.

590
00:42:25,543 --> 00:42:27,238
He's a spy from
the Herpetological Society.

591
00:42:27,444 --> 00:42:29,639
He's here to steal
the lncredibly Deadly Viper.

592
00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:30,847
- No.
- No. Uncle Monty--

593
00:42:33,350 --> 00:42:38,652
Darn. All finished. I was
so looking forward to the milking.

594
00:42:39,557 --> 00:42:41,889
Isn't it about time you kids
went to bed?

595
00:42:42,092 --> 00:42:46,051
Absolutely.
Early start tomorrow, children.

596
00:42:46,263 --> 00:42:47,491
Off you go.

597
00:42:48,465 --> 00:42:49,591
Good night.

598
00:42:55,072 --> 00:42:58,667
Oh, and if you kids should get
restless during the night,

599
00:42:58,976 --> 00:43:02,605
I'm right down the hall,
and I'm a very light sleeper.

600
00:43:02,913 --> 00:43:07,316
In fact, I hardly sleep at all.

601
00:43:19,363 --> 00:43:21,524
Do you have a hall pass?

602
00:43:25,135 --> 00:43:27,035
I didn't think so.

603
00:43:27,838 --> 00:43:31,672
Oh, Petunia, I'm going to miss you.

604
00:43:32,943 --> 00:43:36,037
You're such a good girl, aren't you?

605
00:43:36,947 --> 00:43:38,574
Such a pretty girl.

606
00:43:39,149 --> 00:43:42,448
You are. Yes, you are.

607
00:43:44,488 --> 00:43:47,082
Oh, yes, you are.

608
00:43:48,492 --> 00:43:51,393
It is a curious thing,
the death of a loved one.

609
00:43:53,664 --> 00:43:55,256
Uncle Monty?

610
00:43:55,466 --> 00:43:58,401
It's like walking up the stairs
to your bedroom in the dark

611
00:43:58,602 --> 00:44:01,901
and thinking that there's
one more stair than there is.

612
00:44:02,539 --> 00:44:04,700
Your foot falls down through the air,

613
00:44:04,908 --> 00:44:08,105
and there's a sickly moment
of dark surprise.

614
00:44:10,247 --> 00:44:11,236
Uncle Monty?

615
00:44:17,021 --> 00:44:19,512
The children's grief
was not only for their uncle

616
00:44:19,823 --> 00:44:23,315
but for that tender hope that they
may have found home again.

617
00:44:23,627 --> 00:44:26,721
A hope which, thanks to a villainous
actor, was now slowly tumbling away.

618
00:44:33,037 --> 00:44:35,835
I do feel somewhat responsible
for this tragedy.

619
00:44:36,040 --> 00:44:39,237
I should've taken it upon myself
to warn him

620
00:44:39,476 --> 00:44:41,034
that the lncredibly Deadly Viper

621
00:44:41,245 --> 00:44:44,237
is the most deadly snake
in the entire ecosystem.

622
00:44:44,448 --> 00:44:47,440
I should know. I discovered it.

623
00:44:47,651 --> 00:44:48,982
You what?

624
00:44:49,253 --> 00:44:50,481
Detective?

625
00:44:51,388 --> 00:44:55,347
Little girl, the big cage door is open,
no snake. Dead guy.

626
00:44:55,559 --> 00:44:56,787
You know what I'm thinking?

627
00:44:56,994 --> 00:44:59,861
I'm thinking, ''Who woke me up
at 9 in the morning for this?''

628
00:45:00,497 --> 00:45:03,295
It's definitely a snake bite.
There's no question about it.

629
00:45:03,500 --> 00:45:05,297
Snake bite, no question about it.
Thanks, doc.

630
00:45:05,536 --> 00:45:08,403
You don't understand, the lncredibly
Deadly Viper couldn't have killed him,

631
00:45:08,605 --> 00:45:11,096
because it's one of the least dangerous
and most friendly creatures

632
00:45:11,308 --> 00:45:12,502
in the animal kingdom.

633
00:45:12,810 --> 00:45:14,505
You mind if I skip the paperwork
on this?

634
00:45:14,812 --> 00:45:19,112
I think that'd be best. These kids
have been through a major upheaval.

635
00:45:19,717 --> 00:45:23,153
I wonder if it's a good idea, even,
to change their plans at this point.

636
00:45:23,520 --> 00:45:26,114
We were headed for Peru tomorrow,

637
00:45:26,356 --> 00:45:28,722
- and the tickets are nonrefundable.
- No.

638
00:45:28,926 --> 00:45:29,915
Doc, what do you think?

639
00:45:30,160 --> 00:45:32,720
Could be the only chance
for them to get closure.

640
00:45:34,064 --> 00:45:35,429
Closure. Thank you, doc.

641
00:45:35,632 --> 00:45:37,725
From interviews with witnesses
who were there that day,

642
00:45:37,935 --> 00:45:41,564
I have learned the following about
the youngest Baudelaire's plan:

643
00:45:41,839 --> 00:45:43,568
Brave Sunny started here

644
00:45:43,841 --> 00:45:45,536
and approached
the Incredibly Deadly Viper

645
00:45:45,743 --> 00:45:47,836
with single-minded determination.

646
00:45:48,145 --> 00:45:51,342
No, he's Count Olaf,
and that doctor is his accomplice.

647
00:45:51,548 --> 00:45:52,947
He tried to kill us with a train.

648
00:45:53,150 --> 00:45:56,176
- And where would this man get a train?
- Where am I gonna get a train?

649
00:45:56,487 --> 00:45:58,079
Children, that's enough
of this foolishness.

650
00:45:58,388 --> 00:46:01,118
Mr. Stephano bears absolutely
no resemblance to Count Olaf.

651
00:46:01,325 --> 00:46:04,988
Who is this incredibly handsome
Count Olaf they keep speaking of?

652
00:46:05,195 --> 00:46:08,926
Count Olaf is their old guardian,
who made an error in judgment.

653
00:46:09,700 --> 00:46:13,636
What about the tattoo? Count Olaf
had a tattoo of an eye on his ankle.

654
00:46:14,338 --> 00:46:16,306
Anything for the kids.

655
00:46:18,041 --> 00:46:20,805
Voilà! Spick-and-span.

656
00:46:21,111 --> 00:46:23,136
Well, he's an actor.
He covered it with makeup.

657
00:46:25,215 --> 00:46:27,843
Doctor, I wonder if you
could help me escort

658
00:46:28,118 --> 00:46:30,518
- these young children to the vehicle.
- No. Mr. Poe--

659
00:46:30,721 --> 00:46:32,450
- No, Mr. Poe!
- I'll send you a postcard.

660
00:46:32,656 --> 00:46:34,817
About one thing,
all the witnesses agreed.

661
00:46:35,058 --> 00:46:39,825
The sound they heard next
was so shocking, so surprising,

662
00:46:40,063 --> 00:46:42,429
it still haunts them to this day.

663
00:46:52,276 --> 00:46:56,542
Damn it. This was
such a good character.

664
00:47:18,702 --> 00:47:21,694
Bum buttery, bluebird is singing a tune

665
00:47:21,905 --> 00:47:26,239
Rest assured, children, the authorities
are in hot pursuit of Mr. Stephano,

666
00:47:26,443 --> 00:47:29,935
from his eyebrowless forehead
to his untattooed ankle.

667
00:47:30,347 --> 00:47:32,042
The ltalian fiend.

668
00:47:32,249 --> 00:47:34,717
Though still in the clutches
of a clueless banker,

669
00:47:34,918 --> 00:47:37,546
the Baudelaires celebrated
their unmasking of Count Olaf

670
00:47:37,821 --> 00:47:41,621
as they skimmed their way across
the icy surface of Lake Lachrymose.

671
00:47:41,925 --> 00:47:45,725
But Klaus wasn't the sort to think
on the surface of anything.

672
00:47:45,929 --> 00:47:48,124
He knew there was something
beneath their journey,

673
00:47:48,332 --> 00:47:51,028
even though all he had to go on
was a spyglass,

674
00:47:51,235 --> 00:47:55,535
the knowledge of another terrible fire
and two words on a slip of paper.

675
00:47:55,739 --> 00:47:57,730
Aunt Josephine?

676
00:47:58,342 --> 00:48:00,037
Never heard of her.

677
00:48:01,511 --> 00:48:05,379
Does it strike you as odd that none
of our relatives are related to us?

678
00:48:22,132 --> 00:48:23,690
Aunt Josephine?

679
00:48:25,602 --> 00:48:28,400
Baudelaires? Is that you?

680
00:48:28,605 --> 00:48:29,799
Yes.

681
00:48:31,308 --> 00:48:32,605
Oh, good.

682
00:48:32,910 --> 00:48:33,899
Come in. Come in. Come in.

683
00:48:34,111 --> 00:48:37,239
Hurricane Herman
is about to arrive at any time now.

684
00:48:39,116 --> 00:48:42,415
Oh, Violet. Look at you.

685
00:48:42,653 --> 00:48:43,915
Hello.

686
00:48:44,121 --> 00:48:46,112
Come in, quickly. Quickly, children.

687
00:48:46,323 --> 00:48:47,654
- What? What?
- What's the matter?

688
00:48:47,958 --> 00:48:51,917
Not that quickly. You could trip
over the welcome mat

689
00:48:52,229 --> 00:48:53,526
and decapitate yourselves.

690
00:48:54,831 --> 00:48:59,461
So, quickly, but not too quickly,
all right?

691
00:49:13,684 --> 00:49:16,710
I'm sorry it's so chilly in here.

692
00:49:17,120 --> 00:49:20,886
Sometimes it gets so cold
I can hardly stand it.

693
00:49:21,191 --> 00:49:23,785
Would you like me to turn the radiator
up for you, Aunt Josephine?

694
00:49:24,127 --> 00:49:28,291
Oh, no. I never turn on the radiator.
I'm frightened that it might explode.

695
00:49:29,499 --> 00:49:33,697
Children, I must ask you not to use
any of the doorknobs in the house.

696
00:49:34,404 --> 00:49:39,103
Just push on the wood of the door,
and it'll open.

697
00:49:39,509 --> 00:49:40,441
Why?

698
00:49:40,911 --> 00:49:42,936
Well, I'm always afraid
that the doorknobs

699
00:49:43,146 --> 00:49:44,841
will shatter into a million tiny pieces,

700
00:49:45,048 --> 00:49:46,811
and one of them will hit my eye.

701
00:49:51,722 --> 00:49:53,952
''Delmo'' is not a word.

702
00:49:54,558 --> 00:49:58,119
I can see that I'm going to have to
teach her proper English.

703
00:50:03,734 --> 00:50:07,727
Grammar is the greatest joy in life,
don't you find?

704
00:50:07,938 --> 00:50:09,235
- Most definitely.
- I love grammar.

705
00:50:18,382 --> 00:50:20,043
Perfect. Nice hot soup.

706
00:50:20,751 --> 00:50:24,050
Actually, it's chilled cucumber soup.

707
00:50:24,287 --> 00:50:25,686
I never cook anything hot.

708
00:50:25,956 --> 00:50:28,789
I'm afraid that the stove
will burst into flames.

709
00:50:29,159 --> 00:50:30,183
Where's your brother?

710
00:50:30,761 --> 00:50:31,750
The kitchen.

711
00:50:32,462 --> 00:50:33,451
Klaus?

712
00:50:34,765 --> 00:50:35,959
What are you doing?

713
00:50:36,466 --> 00:50:37,398
Napkins.

714
00:50:38,468 --> 00:50:42,768
Napkins are here. Come away from
the fridge. If it falls, it'll crush you flat.

715
00:50:44,474 --> 00:50:45,771
All right.

716
00:50:46,276 --> 00:50:49,177
Everyone, would you like
to see some pictures?

717
00:50:53,016 --> 00:50:54,984
Careful. Don't get a paper cut.

718
00:50:58,488 --> 00:50:59,477
Is this lke?

719
00:51:01,625 --> 00:51:02,922
Wasn't he handsome?

720
00:51:07,631 --> 00:51:09,929
All the things you did,
Aunt Josephine.

721
00:51:10,634 --> 00:51:11,931
You tamed lions?

722
00:51:12,669 --> 00:51:17,936
Oh, I was quite adventurous
when lke was alive.

723
00:51:32,489 --> 00:51:35,151
Uncle Monty?
You knew Uncle Monty?

724
00:51:35,358 --> 00:51:37,986
No. That's not a good picture of me.

725
00:51:38,261 --> 00:51:40,786
Wait, is. . .? Is that our parents?

726
00:51:40,997 --> 00:51:42,794
Was this some sort of club?

727
00:51:43,200 --> 00:51:45,464
Why do you all have
these spyglasses?

728
00:51:45,669 --> 00:51:50,470
I don't like the way I look
in that picture.

729
00:51:54,578 --> 00:51:56,705
Did lke die in a fire?

730
00:51:57,080 --> 00:52:00,208
No, no, no, no. Silly child, no.

731
00:52:01,017 --> 00:52:03,110
He was eaten by leeches.

732
00:52:06,523 --> 00:52:07,820
Come, I'll show you.

733
00:52:13,230 --> 00:52:17,724
Watch the chandelier, children.
If it falls, it will impale you.

734
00:52:38,054 --> 00:52:43,356
Ike and I explored every cove and inlet
of Lake Lachrymose,

735
00:52:43,560 --> 00:52:46,051
from Horrid Harbor,

736
00:52:46,263 --> 00:52:51,098
all the way over to Curdled Cave,
way over there.

737
00:52:51,601 --> 00:52:54,764
And near that rock is
where the leeches attacked.

738
00:52:58,475 --> 00:53:00,340
Lachrymose leeches have six rows

739
00:53:00,544 --> 00:53:03,206
of very sharp teeth,
and one very sharp nose.

740
00:53:03,513 --> 00:53:07,847
They are blind, but they can smell food
on a human from miles away.

741
00:53:08,051 --> 00:53:12,147
And if they smell food,
they will swarm.

742
00:53:15,425 --> 00:53:20,727
I told him, ''lke, you must wait one hour
before going into the water.''

743
00:53:21,264 --> 00:53:22,424
But. . .

744
00:53:23,433 --> 00:53:27,733
. . .he only waited 45 minutes,

745
00:53:27,938 --> 00:53:29,132
and. . .

746
00:53:37,948 --> 00:53:40,781
I apologize, children.

747
00:53:41,585 --> 00:53:42,882
Klaus!

748
00:53:43,453 --> 00:53:46,650
That area is private.
That was lke's room.

749
00:53:50,660 --> 00:53:53,595
Oh, God, I hate it here.

750
00:53:55,465 --> 00:53:58,901
Well, Aunt Josephine,
have you ever thought

751
00:53:59,102 --> 00:54:00,535
of maybe moving someplace else?

752
00:54:00,737 --> 00:54:04,400
Maybe if you moved away from Lake
Lachrymose you might feel better.

753
00:54:05,508 --> 00:54:07,533
I could never,

754
00:54:07,811 --> 00:54:12,043
never, never, never sell this house.

755
00:54:13,416 --> 00:54:15,714
I'm terrified of realtors.

756
00:54:16,119 --> 00:54:18,451
There are two kinds of fears:

757
00:54:18,822 --> 00:54:21,655
rational and irrational.

758
00:54:22,325 --> 00:54:25,624
Being afraid of realtors
is an irrational fear.

759
00:54:25,829 --> 00:54:27,262
Is this a bad time?

760
00:54:32,836 --> 00:54:34,633
We gotta get her out of the house.

761
00:54:42,345 --> 00:54:46,543
Watch out for those avocados. The pit
could become lodged in our throats.

762
00:54:46,850 --> 00:54:51,344
And watch out for that cart.
It could break free and run us over.

763
00:54:52,555 --> 00:54:54,785
Everything's fine, Aunt Josephine.

764
00:54:55,292 --> 00:54:58,090
Lord thundering jumped-up Jehovah.

765
00:54:58,295 --> 00:54:59,956
The black plague!
Is it the black plague?

766
00:55:00,163 --> 00:55:01,687
No, that there was all my fault.

767
00:55:01,998 --> 00:55:04,193
Tell you what, can't tell you
how sorry I is

768
00:55:04,401 --> 00:55:06,995
for running into your sister there
like that.

769
00:55:07,203 --> 00:55:08,227
Aunt Josephine, this--

770
00:55:08,438 --> 00:55:10,303
Couple of right beauties
you are, mum.

771
00:55:10,540 --> 00:55:11,700
Especially you.

772
00:55:11,908 --> 00:55:13,432
Aunt Josephine--

773
00:55:13,710 --> 00:55:15,200
But allow me to introduce meself.

774
00:55:15,445 --> 00:55:17,345
No, allow Klaus and I to introduce him.

775
00:55:17,614 --> 00:55:19,605
- This--
- ''Klaus and me.''

776
00:55:19,816 --> 00:55:21,113
It doesn't matter. This is--

777
00:55:21,318 --> 00:55:22,512
Doesn't matter?

778
00:55:24,154 --> 00:55:25,621
Are you jigging me, girl?

779
00:55:25,922 --> 00:55:30,359
Why, perhaps it's just the ramblings
of an expert fisherman,

780
00:55:30,627 --> 00:55:32,527
but grammar is the number-one
most important thing

781
00:55:32,729 --> 00:55:34,720
in this here world to me.

782
00:55:35,131 --> 00:55:36,120
It is?

783
00:55:37,567 --> 00:55:40,434
It's the whole ball of wax.
The entire kit and caboodle.

784
00:55:40,670 --> 00:55:42,331
Why, without your good grammar,

785
00:55:42,539 --> 00:55:45,940
the whole darn shooting match
could go arse over tea kettle.

786
00:55:46,543 --> 00:55:49,979
Well, you can certainly turn a phrase.

787
00:55:50,347 --> 00:55:53,077
I can flip it up and rub it down too.

788
00:55:53,350 --> 00:55:58,151
Of course, that would be entirely
up to you, mum.

789
00:55:59,389 --> 00:56:01,016
Captain Sham. . .

790
00:56:01,891 --> 00:56:03,290
. . .at your service.

791
00:56:03,593 --> 00:56:06,494
He's lying. He's Count Olaf.

792
00:56:07,497 --> 00:56:10,830
That horrible man you warned me
about? Where? Who?

793
00:56:11,034 --> 00:56:12,695
- Right in front of you.
- Where's he at?

794
00:56:12,902 --> 00:56:14,301
- Behind Captain Sham?
- No.

795
00:56:14,504 --> 00:56:18,338
I'll show him a thing or two. I'll give
him the old ''wax on, wax off,'' me son.

796
00:56:18,608 --> 00:56:20,303
Captain Sham is Count Olaf.

797
00:56:21,311 --> 00:56:23,506
I'm not going through this again.

798
00:56:23,713 --> 00:56:25,704
Children of the corn!

799
00:56:27,350 --> 00:56:28,647
Klaus!

800
00:56:28,852 --> 00:56:33,016
Why did you do this
to this poor man?

801
00:56:33,223 --> 00:56:36,056
I'm so sorry. Sorry.

802
00:56:37,026 --> 00:56:39,517
That's gonna smart in the morning.

803
00:56:40,029 --> 00:56:42,623
Oh, I don't pay that no
never mind, mum.

804
00:56:42,932 --> 00:56:46,527
He's just a boy barely
out of his OshKosh B'Gosh.

805
00:56:46,736 --> 00:56:48,328
I've had to deal with that sort of thing

806
00:56:48,538 --> 00:56:51,530
ever since me leg was chewed off
by the Lachrymose leeches.

807
00:56:52,041 --> 00:56:57,343
Why didn't I wait an hour before
swimming? Why? Why? Why?

808
00:56:58,448 --> 00:57:00,211
The leeches took my husband too.

809
00:57:00,383 --> 00:57:01,407
Get out of town.

810
00:57:01,618 --> 00:57:03,813
No, really.

811
00:57:04,020 --> 00:57:08,320
By jeez, them blasted leeches doomed
me to a life of hopping, they did.

812
00:57:09,092 --> 00:57:11,583
Sure, I get the good parking spots,

813
00:57:11,895 --> 00:57:15,831
but who could love a man with one leg
and a face like a hen's arse?

814
00:57:16,099 --> 00:57:19,398
I'm as lonely as a gull on a rock, girl.

815
00:57:19,702 --> 00:57:22,296
Oh, Captain Sham.

816
00:57:23,039 --> 00:57:26,634
Would you come to my house
for dinner this evening?

817
00:57:26,910 --> 00:57:27,899
- No!
- No!

818
00:57:28,211 --> 00:57:29,838
Oh, no, I don't know about that, mum.

819
00:57:30,046 --> 00:57:33,607
I'm afeard I might scuff up the floors
with this old cribbage peg.

820
00:57:33,817 --> 00:57:36,251
Well, I will lay down newspapers.

821
00:57:36,553 --> 00:57:40,512
Please, the children are going to make
a lovely dinner of puttanesca.

822
00:57:40,824 --> 00:57:44,760
The very meal I ate
before they took me leg!

823
00:57:45,228 --> 00:57:49,324
Oh, my goodness. Well, children,
I'm going to take Captain Sham home.

824
00:57:49,632 --> 00:57:53,966
And you stay here and shop for
an entirely puttanesca-free dinner.

825
00:57:55,038 --> 00:57:57,973
- But--
- ''But'' is not a sentence, Klaus.

826
00:57:59,843 --> 00:58:00,969
Aunt Josephine.

827
00:58:01,177 --> 00:58:03,805
Hey, you haven't paid for that.

828
00:58:10,386 --> 00:58:12,581
Kids today.

829
00:58:36,012 --> 00:58:37,707
Aunt Josephine?

830
00:58:43,520 --> 00:58:45,215
Aunt Josephine?

831
00:58:48,124 --> 00:58:49,523
Are you here?

832
00:58:50,026 --> 00:58:51,357
Aunt Jo?

833
00:58:52,462 --> 00:58:53,861
Are you here?

834
00:58:54,631 --> 00:58:56,326
Aunt Josephine?

835
00:59:02,105 --> 00:59:03,572
Oh, no.

836
00:59:03,773 --> 00:59:05,468
No.

837
00:59:11,581 --> 00:59:12,980
We're too late.

838
00:59:15,585 --> 00:59:17,382
We're too late.

839
00:59:23,626 --> 00:59:25,025
What does it say?

840
00:59:25,395 --> 00:59:27,090
It's a suicide note.

841
00:59:29,232 --> 00:59:33,191
''Violet, Klaus and Sunny, by the time
you read this, my life will be at its end.

842
00:59:33,403 --> 00:59:36,895
My heart is as cold as lke,
and I find life inbearable.''

843
00:59:37,206 --> 00:59:38,400
''lnbearable''?

844
00:59:38,608 --> 00:59:39,905
Go on.

845
00:59:40,410 --> 00:59:43,743
''l know you children may not
understand the sad life of a dowadg--''

846
00:59:44,213 --> 00:59:45,544
''Dowager'' has one D.

847
00:59:45,748 --> 00:59:47,545
It doesn't matter. Keep going.

848
00:59:48,818 --> 00:59:54,051
''--or what would have led to this
desperate akt.'' ''Act'' is spelled with a C.

849
00:59:54,324 --> 00:59:56,224
It's a suicide note.
Why are you checking spelling?

850
00:59:56,426 --> 00:59:58,326
She said her greatest joy in life
was grammar.

851
00:59:58,528 --> 00:59:59,859
Why is she making
all these mistakes?

852
01:00:01,230 --> 01:00:02,720
If you were about to jump
out a window,

853
01:00:02,932 --> 01:00:04,923
you might make
a few spelling mistakes too.

854
01:00:05,268 --> 01:00:06,963
''Please know that
I am much happier this way.

855
01:00:07,170 --> 01:00:10,071
As my last will and testament, I leave
you three in the care of Captain Sham,

856
01:00:10,340 --> 01:00:12,433
a kind and honorable man.''

857
01:00:14,143 --> 01:00:16,668
That was his plan.
He made her write this note,

858
01:00:16,879 --> 01:00:18,642
and then he pushed her
out the window.

859
01:00:24,587 --> 01:00:28,045
No. It's not a suicide note.
It's a message.

860
01:00:28,491 --> 01:00:31,460
It's not supposed to be ''lke,''
it's supposed to be ''ice.'' C.

861
01:00:33,162 --> 01:00:34,959
And ''unbearable'' with a U.

862
01:00:53,583 --> 01:00:56,108
All the way over to Curdled Cave,
way over there.

863
01:00:56,319 --> 01:00:58,787
She's not dead. She's hiding.

864
01:00:59,322 --> 01:01:00,619
Curdled Cave?

865
01:01:04,627 --> 01:01:05,924
Sunny!

866
01:01:27,250 --> 01:01:29,047
He was investigating fires.

867
01:01:40,596 --> 01:01:42,757
Klaus, we gotta go.

868
01:01:57,680 --> 01:01:58,806
Come away from the fridge.

869
01:01:59,282 --> 01:02:00,306
What?

870
01:02:00,817 --> 01:02:03,308
If it falls, it could crush you flat.

871
01:02:44,594 --> 01:02:45,561
No way.

872
01:02:56,606 --> 01:02:58,073
Is it over?

873
01:03:04,814 --> 01:03:07,749
Violet, you better tie your hair up.

874
01:03:28,237 --> 01:03:30,865
Violet, ideas?

875
01:03:50,359 --> 01:03:51,849
Bring me that fire extinguisher.

876
01:03:52,562 --> 01:03:53,494
Why?

877
01:03:53,863 --> 01:03:56,195
Because we need to move
this anchor over there.

878
01:03:56,465 --> 01:03:59,093
- What?
- Just help me.

879
01:04:13,950 --> 01:04:15,611
On three, we're gonna
break that beam.

880
01:04:15,818 --> 01:04:17,115
- Break it?
- Yes.

881
01:04:17,320 --> 01:04:19,914
- That's the only thing keeping us up.
- Exactly.

882
01:04:20,156 --> 01:04:21,817
Are you sure you tied your hair
tight enough?

883
01:04:22,124 --> 01:04:23,523
On three.

884
01:04:25,027 --> 01:04:26,255
One.

885
01:04:27,029 --> 01:04:28,257
Two.

886
01:04:29,232 --> 01:04:30,256
Three.

887
01:04:40,343 --> 01:04:41,367
Wait.

888
01:04:41,677 --> 01:04:42,871
Wait.

889
01:04:43,346 --> 01:04:45,473
Wait. Hold on, Sunny.

890
01:04:45,681 --> 01:04:46,841
Now!

891
01:05:02,498 --> 01:05:03,829
What do we do now?

892
01:05:04,033 --> 01:05:06,593
She's alive. We have to go
to the authorities.

893
01:05:07,003 --> 01:05:08,334
- No.
- What?

894
01:05:08,638 --> 01:05:10,936
- They won't listen. They never listen.
- Violet!

895
01:05:11,140 --> 01:05:14,598
It's Olaf. He'll never stop.
We have to find her ourselves.

896
01:05:16,846 --> 01:05:18,336
Hey, you kids.

897
01:05:18,648 --> 01:05:22,015
It's Captain Sham,
your new guardian.

898
01:05:22,318 --> 01:05:26,015
You just stay where you're at,
and we'll come where you're to.

899
01:05:26,355 --> 01:05:28,448
Ever read any books on sailing?

900
01:05:31,227 --> 01:05:36,529
Klaus had read exactly 15 books on
sailing and two books on meteorology.

901
01:05:37,066 --> 01:05:39,830
But it is one thing to do something
in theory,

902
01:05:40,036 --> 01:05:42,266
another to do it in practice.

903
01:05:42,538 --> 01:05:46,065
Little could have prepared them
for the crossing to Curdled Cave

904
01:05:46,275 --> 01:05:50,177
at the hands of an angry
and ill-humored lake.

905
01:05:50,379 --> 01:05:53,837
But as the storm passed
and the waters calmed,

906
01:05:54,050 --> 01:05:58,043
the Baudelaires couldn't help but feel
a small sense of accomplishment.

907
01:05:58,287 --> 01:06:01,882
A rare moment of joy
in their otherwise woeful lives.

908
01:06:03,292 --> 01:06:04,782
They had made it.

909
01:06:04,994 --> 01:06:07,394
And if their guardian
could not rescue them,

910
01:06:07,596 --> 01:06:11,191
then they would rescue
their guardian.

911
01:06:21,811 --> 01:06:23,403
Aunt Josephine?

912
01:06:38,928 --> 01:06:40,418
Aunt Josephine?

913
01:06:56,779 --> 01:06:58,440
Aunt Josephine?

914
01:07:01,484 --> 01:07:03,008
Are you in here?

915
01:07:14,797 --> 01:07:16,230
Aunt Josephine!

916
01:07:19,135 --> 01:07:20,602
Oh, children.

917
01:07:20,803 --> 01:07:25,706
You did it! You deciphered
the clues in my note.

918
01:07:25,908 --> 01:07:27,307
We're so glad you're okay.

919
01:07:27,510 --> 01:07:28,602
It was so horrible.

920
01:07:28,811 --> 01:07:31,245
Count Olaf forced me
to write that will,

921
01:07:31,447 --> 01:07:34,712
and then it nearly killed me to add in
all those grammatical errors.

922
01:07:36,652 --> 01:07:38,347
So did you bring groceries?

923
01:07:38,554 --> 01:07:41,455
Groceries?
We just came through a storm.

924
01:07:41,657 --> 01:07:44,558
Well, so? How do you expect us
to live in this cave

925
01:07:44,760 --> 01:07:46,625
if you didn't bring any food?

926
01:07:46,829 --> 01:07:48,023
Live in the cave?

927
01:07:48,230 --> 01:07:50,357
No, no, no. Aunt Josephine,
you have to come back with us.

928
01:07:50,566 --> 01:07:53,535
You willed us to Captain Sham.
You're the only proof we have it's a lie.

929
01:07:53,736 --> 01:07:56,466
No, no, no, no. No, no, it's much too
dangerous, children. I'm very sorry.

930
01:07:56,672 --> 01:07:59,971
Too dangerous? You're our guardian.
You're supposed to take care of us.

931
01:08:00,176 --> 01:08:01,905
I'm not gonna talk about it anymore.

932
01:08:03,712 --> 01:08:07,273
You know, Aunt Josephine,
Curdled Cave is for sale.

933
01:08:07,483 --> 01:08:08,575
So?

934
01:08:09,085 --> 01:08:13,988
So before too long, people
are gonna come to look at it.

935
01:08:14,390 --> 01:08:17,985
And some of those people
will be realtors.

936
01:08:43,219 --> 01:08:44,743
Aunt Josephine,

937
01:08:45,821 --> 01:08:47,413
what does this mean?

938
01:08:48,424 --> 01:08:49,823
Where did you find that?

939
01:08:50,025 --> 01:08:51,515
I found it in lke's room.

940
01:08:51,961 --> 01:08:53,519
The fires.

941
01:08:53,929 --> 01:08:55,863
Why was he investigating fires?

942
01:08:56,098 --> 01:09:01,001
We all were. Uncle Monty, lke and. . .

943
01:09:02,505 --> 01:09:03,870
Our parents.

944
01:09:04,974 --> 01:09:07,272
They were our leaders.

945
01:09:08,477 --> 01:09:09,671
Children,

946
01:09:10,379 --> 01:09:14,907
there are good people
and bad people in the world.

947
01:09:15,117 --> 01:09:18,814
The ones who start the fires
and the ones who put them out.

948
01:09:19,054 --> 01:09:20,214
Who's doing this?

949
01:09:20,489 --> 01:09:21,478
Is it Olaf?

950
01:09:22,391 --> 01:09:25,053
I've said too much already.
Your parents knew the answer to that,

951
01:09:25,294 --> 01:09:26,522
and look what happened to them.

952
01:09:27,229 --> 01:09:30,687
Our parents? What did they say?

953
01:09:32,234 --> 01:09:34,225
We should never have left that cave.

954
01:09:34,436 --> 01:09:36,028
It's not too late for us
to turn around now,

955
01:09:36,238 --> 01:09:38,035
and I'll just take my chances
with the realtors.

956
01:09:38,240 --> 01:09:39,229
Aunt Josephine,

957
01:09:39,575 --> 01:09:42,135
what did our parents say?

958
01:09:43,412 --> 01:09:45,039
We're going to die.

959
01:09:46,615 --> 01:09:50,051
- What?
- It's the leeches!

960
01:09:56,725 --> 01:10:00,024
I guess it's a good thing none of us
have eaten in a while then.

961
01:10:09,638 --> 01:10:11,037
Aunt Josephine!

962
01:10:28,857 --> 01:10:31,155
There's a crack in the boat!

963
01:10:33,295 --> 01:10:37,061
Klaus, what do we do?
They're eating the boat!

964
01:10:37,700 --> 01:10:39,861
We're sinking, sinking, sinking.

965
01:10:40,069 --> 01:10:43,163
- Klaus, paddle, please.
- Doomed. Doomed.

966
01:10:43,372 --> 01:10:46,000
Aunt Josephine, that is not helping.

967
01:10:51,880 --> 01:10:55,372
There's a boat.
Over here! Over here!

968
01:10:55,584 --> 01:10:58,781
But as unpleasant
as Lachrymose leeches can be,

969
01:10:59,021 --> 01:11:03,117
there was something far more
unpleasant arriving out of the fog.

970
01:11:03,359 --> 01:11:07,261
Hello, hello, hello.

971
01:11:08,430 --> 01:11:11,661
I missed you guys.

972
01:11:11,867 --> 01:11:15,735
Looks like you could use
a little assistance.

973
01:11:15,938 --> 01:11:18,236
You're gonna need assistance
when we get back to town.

974
01:11:18,440 --> 01:11:20,601
Aunt Josephine's gonna tell everyone
what happened.

975
01:11:20,843 --> 01:11:22,333
Then I'll be arrested and sent to jail,

976
01:11:22,544 --> 01:11:24,774
and you'll live happily ever after
with a friendly guardian,

977
01:11:24,980 --> 01:11:27,039
spending your time inventing things
and reading books

978
01:11:27,249 --> 01:11:28,682
and sharpening
your little monkey teeth.

979
01:11:28,884 --> 01:11:30,943
And bravery and nobility
will prevail at last.

980
01:11:31,120 --> 01:11:33,179
And this wicked world
will slowly but surely become

981
01:11:33,455 --> 01:11:34,547
a place of cheerful harmony.

982
01:11:34,757 --> 01:11:36,748
And everyone will be singing
and dancing and giggling

983
01:11:36,992 --> 01:11:38,289
Iike the Littlest Elf.

984
01:11:38,494 --> 01:11:41,952
A happy ending.
Is that what you had in mind?

985
01:11:42,364 --> 01:11:46,391
Because I hardly think that anybody
is going to believe a dead woman.

986
01:11:46,769 --> 01:11:48,100
You're not gonna touch
Aunt Josephine.

987
01:11:48,304 --> 01:11:49,601
She'll tell everyone what happened.

988
01:11:49,805 --> 01:11:52,273
No, no, no, no, I won't tell anybody
anything. I promise.

989
01:11:52,474 --> 01:11:54,135
Please don't throw me
to the leeches.

990
01:11:54,376 --> 01:11:56,776
You can have the fortune.
You can have the children.

991
01:11:56,979 --> 01:11:58,469
Aunt Josephine!

992
01:11:58,681 --> 01:11:59,807
Please.

993
01:12:00,015 --> 01:12:02,745
Welcome aboard. Hot potato.

994
01:12:04,653 --> 01:12:07,622
I'll go away. I'll dye my hair.
I'll change my name.

995
01:12:07,856 --> 01:12:11,348
- But what about us?
- Quiet, child. The adults are talking.

996
01:12:13,829 --> 01:12:16,764
- I suppose I don't have to kill you.
- No.

997
01:12:16,965 --> 01:12:19,433
On the other hand, with that little stunt
of yours at the window,

998
01:12:19,601 --> 01:12:22,968
you hadn't been
a very trustworthy person.

999
01:12:23,672 --> 01:12:24,969
But. . .

1000
01:12:26,775 --> 01:12:28,834
. . .I could show a little mercy.

1001
01:12:31,180 --> 01:12:33,114
''Haven't.''

1002
01:12:37,152 --> 01:12:38,278
What?

1003
01:12:39,154 --> 01:12:42,749
You said ''hadn't.'' That's bad grammar.
You should've said,

1004
01:12:42,991 --> 01:12:45,789
''You haven't been
a very trustworthy person.''

1005
01:12:49,498 --> 01:12:52,956
Thank you for correcting me.

1006
01:12:53,569 --> 01:12:54,797
Not at all.

1007
01:12:56,071 --> 01:12:58,801
No. No, no, no, no, no.
Aunt Josephine. Aunt Josephine!

1008
01:12:59,007 --> 01:13:00,201
- Aunt Josephine.
- You can't--

1009
01:13:00,342 --> 01:13:02,503
- Aunt Josephine. Aunt--
- Aunt Josephine. Jump!

1010
01:13:03,645 --> 01:13:05,806
Well, you get the picture.

1011
01:13:10,152 --> 01:13:11,744
Aunt Josephine.

1012
01:13:12,454 --> 01:13:16,720
Well, we've done all we can do.

1013
01:13:19,161 --> 01:13:20,526
Everybody be cool.

1014
01:13:20,929 --> 01:13:23,329
Children? Is that you?

1015
01:13:23,532 --> 01:13:24,829
Mr. Poe! We're--

1016
01:13:25,033 --> 01:13:26,330
Drowning.

1017
01:13:29,171 --> 01:13:32,572
I saved him! I saved the boy
from the leeches!

1018
01:13:32,775 --> 01:13:35,335
Back to the depths,
you fingery devils.

1019
01:13:35,544 --> 01:13:38,570
You will not devour
this boy's head today.

1020
01:13:43,085 --> 01:13:45,747
Count Olaf?
What are you doing here?

1021
01:13:45,988 --> 01:13:50,482
Mr. Poe, please. Count Olaf,
what are you doing here, man?

1022
01:13:50,859 --> 01:13:53,350
I know, I know. I shouldn't have come.

1023
01:13:53,595 --> 01:13:57,053
But when I heard the children
were in danger, I had to.

1024
01:13:57,466 --> 01:13:59,559
Even if I'm not. . .

1025
01:13:59,902 --> 01:14:01,836
. . .fit to be their guardian.

1026
01:14:03,806 --> 01:14:06,001
It appears I was wrong about you,
Count Olaf.

1027
01:14:06,208 --> 01:14:08,233
- No!
- No.

1028
01:14:08,444 --> 01:14:12,005
You have proven yourself to be
an exceptionally capable guardian.

1029
01:14:12,414 --> 01:14:14,006
And I would be remiss
in my responsibility

1030
01:14:14,216 --> 01:14:16,912
if I did not place the children
with you immediately.

1031
01:14:17,619 --> 01:14:19,814
- Why, if it weren't for you, the--
- Don't say it!

1032
01:14:20,055 --> 01:14:23,218
I can't stand the thought
of losing my little treasures.

1033
01:14:23,425 --> 01:14:25,620
Even the thought
of the massive inheritance

1034
01:14:25,828 --> 01:14:28,729
would be a constant reminder
of my heartache.

1035
01:14:28,931 --> 01:14:30,922
Well, well, there's no need
to fret about that.

1036
01:14:31,133 --> 01:14:34,569
The law clearly states that you
would not inherit the Baudelaire fortune

1037
01:14:34,770 --> 01:14:36,237
if anything happened to the children.

1038
01:14:36,572 --> 01:14:37,539
Say what?

1039
01:14:37,739 --> 01:14:42,335
No, no. With the exception, of course,
of blood relatives and married couples.

1040
01:14:43,045 --> 01:14:44,137
Really?

1041
01:14:53,489 --> 01:14:54,956
Mr. Poe,

1042
01:14:55,557 --> 01:14:59,152
have I told you about our new play?

1043
01:15:09,905 --> 01:15:11,395
Critic.

1044
01:15:12,107 --> 01:15:13,540
Critic!

1045
01:15:15,210 --> 01:15:16,199
Cape, sir.

1046
01:15:16,411 --> 01:15:18,208
Don't try to get on my good side.

1047
01:15:21,650 --> 01:15:24,050
What is he up to?
Why are we in the play?

1048
01:15:24,253 --> 01:15:28,155
He's using this as a prop.
It says that if two people are married,

1049
01:15:28,357 --> 01:15:31,417
they're entitled to any money
that either of them has.

1050
01:15:31,627 --> 01:15:35,028
No, but it's just a play. He can't get
our fortune by marrying me in a play.

1051
01:15:36,465 --> 01:15:37,830
Can't l?

1052
01:15:38,033 --> 01:15:42,129
Conspirators. ''Caesar must die.
Caesar must die. Caesar must die.''

1053
01:15:42,337 --> 01:15:43,565
In order to be a valid marriage,

1054
01:15:43,772 --> 01:15:46,536
it has to be administered
by a bona fide justice of the peace.

1055
01:15:46,742 --> 01:15:47,868
It says so right here.

1056
01:15:48,076 --> 01:15:52,342
Justice Strauss, are you ready
for your debut?

1057
01:15:54,149 --> 01:15:58,882
Look at you.
Violet, you look so beautiful.

1058
01:15:59,288 --> 01:16:02,416
You are the bride, I'm the judge.
Who's the groom?

1059
01:16:02,691 --> 01:16:05,285
No, Justice Strauss, you don't
understand. The play is real.

1060
01:16:05,494 --> 01:16:07,428
Yes! Yes.

1061
01:16:07,629 --> 01:16:11,190
It must be real. That's why I cast you.

1062
01:16:11,400 --> 01:16:14,301
All the other actors I saw
lacked the proper--

1063
01:16:14,503 --> 01:16:15,902
What's the word I'm looking for?

1064
01:16:16,104 --> 01:16:17,901
- Hair?
- Hands?

1065
01:16:18,140 --> 01:16:20,040
Verisimilitude.

1066
01:16:20,742 --> 01:16:22,039
Now, remember, Justice Strauss,

1067
01:16:22,244 --> 01:16:25,008
you must say the words exactly
as you would in a real wedding.

1068
01:16:25,213 --> 01:16:28,011
Get it absolutely right. There are
talent scouts in the audience

1069
01:16:28,216 --> 01:16:31,549
Iooking for someone your age.
It's all riding on this one.

1070
01:16:32,321 --> 01:16:35,415
Why did you have to tell me that?
Oh, my God.

1071
01:16:35,624 --> 01:16:36,818
Take her to makeup.

1072
01:16:37,059 --> 01:16:40,256
Enjoy! Embrace the butterflies.

1073
01:16:40,462 --> 01:16:44,523
This is ridiculous. Violet's only 14.
She can't be legally married.

1074
01:16:44,733 --> 01:16:46,564
She can if she has the permission
of her guardian.

1075
01:16:46,768 --> 01:16:49,635
And who's that? Oh, yes. Me!

1076
01:16:52,341 --> 01:16:53,865
Look it up, bookworm.

1077
01:16:54,076 --> 01:16:56,840
Yes. Once you say ''l do''
and sign the marriage certificate,

1078
01:16:57,045 --> 01:16:59,536
you'll really be my loverly bride.

1079
01:16:59,748 --> 01:17:02,876
You'll cook and clean
and massage my bunions

1080
01:17:03,085 --> 01:17:05,576
and clip my thick, yellow toenails.

1081
01:17:05,787 --> 01:17:10,224
Hey, marriage is no picnic.
You gotta work at it.

1082
01:17:10,492 --> 01:17:12,824
I'll never say ''l do.'' Never.

1083
01:17:14,296 --> 01:17:15,991
I think you might. . .

1084
01:17:16,932 --> 01:17:19,230
. . .once you look up there.

1085
01:17:27,743 --> 01:17:28,835
Let her go!

1086
01:17:29,411 --> 01:17:31,003
Gladly. Let her go.

1087
01:17:31,913 --> 01:17:33,710
- No!
- Put a hold on that.

1088
01:17:35,150 --> 01:17:37,118
If you don't say ''l do,''

1089
01:17:37,319 --> 01:17:40,345
or if anything should happen
to interrupt this performance,

1090
01:17:41,223 --> 01:17:42,713
I say one word into this,

1091
01:17:42,958 --> 01:17:47,327
and down will come baby,
cradle and all.

1092
01:17:48,030 --> 01:17:49,224
Clang!

1093
01:17:50,232 --> 01:17:52,427
How could you? She's an infant.

1094
01:17:52,634 --> 01:17:55,865
Oh, Violet. Violet, Violet, Violet.

1095
01:17:56,772 --> 01:17:59,240
Violet.

1096
01:17:59,441 --> 01:18:01,068
You're 1 4 years old.

1097
01:18:01,276 --> 01:18:05,007
You should know by now that you
can't have everything you want.

1098
01:18:05,313 --> 01:18:08,874
You want a life of happiness?
A roof over your head?

1099
01:18:09,084 --> 01:18:12,076
A place to call your own
and all that jazz?

1100
01:18:14,990 --> 01:18:17,083
And what about what I want?

1101
01:18:17,826 --> 01:18:20,886
I want that enormous fortune

1102
01:18:21,096 --> 01:18:25,089
and for all investigations
against me to cease.

1103
01:18:25,934 --> 01:18:30,234
You're going to help me
get what I want. . .

1104
01:18:31,139 --> 01:18:32,629
. . .tonight.

1105
01:18:41,817 --> 01:18:43,648
My public awaits.

1106
01:18:51,727 --> 01:18:54,662
Ladies and gentlemen, could you
put your appendages together

1107
01:18:54,930 --> 01:18:57,524
for The Marvelouse Marriage.

1108
01:18:57,733 --> 01:19:00,133
No. You're not gonna
go through with this.

1109
01:19:03,472 --> 01:19:04,905
I have to.

1110
01:19:05,307 --> 01:19:08,470
No, come on.
There's always something.

1111
01:19:08,677 --> 01:19:10,406
There's always something.

1112
01:19:11,980 --> 01:19:13,675
No, not this time.

1113
01:19:15,183 --> 01:19:16,172
But. . .

1114
01:19:16,384 --> 01:19:18,011
Camel, you're on.

1115
01:19:20,489 --> 01:19:22,480
- Go, Klaus.
- Violet.

1116
01:19:22,691 --> 01:19:23,680
Go!

1117
01:19:24,893 --> 01:19:27,020
Move your hump, camel. You're on.

1118
01:19:35,704 --> 01:19:38,195
Nothing in the world will keep
The count from his beloved bride

1119
01:19:38,406 --> 01:19:41,000
Nothing in the world will keep
The count from his beloved bride

1120
01:19:41,209 --> 01:19:43,234
Nothing in the world
Nothing in the world

1121
01:19:43,445 --> 01:19:45,709
Nothing
Nothing

1122
01:19:50,418 --> 01:19:54,354
What a marvelous day
for a marriage.

1123
01:19:54,556 --> 01:19:59,858
If only the handsome count
were here to claim his bride.

1124
01:20:00,061 --> 01:20:04,020
With his full head of hair
and great bravery,

1125
01:20:04,232 --> 01:20:07,224
the count has no equal.

1126
01:20:09,337 --> 01:20:10,736
What would Violet do?

1127
01:20:10,939 --> 01:20:14,636
The courageous battle
has waylaid him.

1128
01:20:14,843 --> 01:20:18,574
There's always something.
There's always something.

1129
01:20:18,780 --> 01:20:21,544
And a quiet, bald-headed suitor

1130
01:20:21,750 --> 01:20:24,378
has stolen the bride's affections.

1131
01:20:25,353 --> 01:20:28,447
Alas. The groom is a cad.

1132
01:20:28,690 --> 01:20:32,091
And nowhere near as handsome
as the count.

1133
01:20:32,394 --> 01:20:35,295
If only for a miracle.

1134
01:20:35,497 --> 01:20:39,797
Some way for the handsome count
to come and save. . .

1135
01:20:44,072 --> 01:20:47,473
What a thoroughly unmarvelous
marriage this will be.

1136
01:20:47,676 --> 01:20:49,166
But wait.

1137
01:20:49,811 --> 01:20:52,473
What is that?

1138
01:20:57,285 --> 01:21:01,619
It's the count, in his autogiro.

1139
01:21:01,823 --> 01:21:03,916
I didn't know they had
this kind of budget.

1140
01:21:14,736 --> 01:21:19,867
Yes, it is l, come to marry my bride.

1141
01:21:20,375 --> 01:21:25,142
And you, sir, have been taken
by surprise.

1142
01:21:25,647 --> 01:21:28,946
Caution. This next scene could get
pretty graphic.

1143
01:21:29,150 --> 01:21:30,549
Away, rapscallion!

1144
01:21:34,556 --> 01:21:35,784
Hairless Lothario!

1145
01:21:36,358 --> 01:21:38,656
Take that. And that.

1146
01:21:40,362 --> 01:21:42,057
Can I get some slack?

1147
01:21:44,366 --> 01:21:46,493
Let the wedding begin.

1148
01:22:14,029 --> 01:22:15,326
Don't look down.

1149
01:22:16,531 --> 01:22:17,930
Don't look down.

1150
01:22:30,979 --> 01:22:33,777
Do you, Count Olaf,

1151
01:22:33,982 --> 01:22:38,180
take this to be
your lawfully wedded wife,

1152
01:22:38,386 --> 01:22:42,550
in sickness and in health,
till death do you part?

1153
01:22:43,191 --> 01:22:44,556
Until death,

1154
01:22:45,694 --> 01:22:47,787
I most certainly do.

1155
01:22:51,266 --> 01:22:53,393
Do you, Violet Baudelaire,

1156
01:22:53,601 --> 01:22:57,298
take this--? Count Olaf

1157
01:22:57,505 --> 01:23:00,599
to be your lawfully wedded husband,

1158
01:23:00,809 --> 01:23:04,836
in sickness and in health,
till death do you part?

1159
01:23:05,046 --> 01:23:06,707
Justice Strauss, l--

1160
01:23:13,054 --> 01:23:14,248
I do.

1161
01:23:14,923 --> 01:23:16,823
- She doesn't deserve him.
- No.

1162
01:23:17,025 --> 01:23:19,721
- Are you thinking that?
- No, she doesn't.

1163
01:23:20,161 --> 01:23:22,061
- Now, all that is left. . .
- Sunny?

1164
01:23:22,263 --> 01:23:25,528
. . .is for this happy couple to sign
the marriage certificate,

1165
01:23:25,734 --> 01:23:27,429
and this union shall be--

1166
01:23:27,635 --> 01:23:29,068
Official

1167
01:23:29,771 --> 01:23:30,931
and legal.

1168
01:23:55,063 --> 01:23:58,294
Sunny, where's the key?
The key to the lock.

1169
01:24:23,658 --> 01:24:25,956
Right hand, please.

1170
01:25:30,258 --> 01:25:32,726
Children, I'm afraid
I must inform you

1171
01:25:32,927 --> 01:25:36,556
of an extremely unfortunate event.

1172
01:25:37,832 --> 01:25:40,824
I'm very, very sorry to tell you this,
but your parents have perished in a fire

1173
01:25:41,035 --> 01:25:42,866
that's destroyed your entire home.

1174
01:25:43,838 --> 01:25:45,931
These things don't just happen.

1175
01:25:49,677 --> 01:25:51,269
Come on, come on,
come on, come on!

1176
01:25:55,650 --> 01:25:58,141
Look what I did
to your pretty little home.

1177
01:25:59,854 --> 01:26:00,912
Let's finish here.

1178
01:26:09,898 --> 01:26:10,922
Boss.

1179
01:26:11,232 --> 01:26:13,325
What is it? Kind of busy right now.

1180
01:26:13,535 --> 01:26:14,695
We've got a problem.

1181
01:26:14,903 --> 01:26:16,029
Where are you?

1182
01:26:16,237 --> 01:26:18,034
Look up.

1183
01:26:22,343 --> 01:26:23,310
Hi!

1184
01:26:27,215 --> 01:26:28,842
And so concludes our play!

1185
01:26:29,050 --> 01:26:30,711
No, wait, it wasn't a play!

1186
01:26:30,919 --> 01:26:33,649
Count Olaf was gonna kill Sunny
if I didn't go through with the marriage.

1187
01:26:33,922 --> 01:26:34,854
Ridiculous.

1188
01:26:35,823 --> 01:26:37,222
No, you have to listen to me.

1189
01:26:37,425 --> 01:26:40,417
He was only marrying me to get
to the Baudelaire fortune.

1190
01:26:40,628 --> 01:26:42,220
No, that part is true, actually.

1191
01:26:42,430 --> 01:26:43,419
What?

1192
01:26:43,631 --> 01:26:47,032
Violet and I are indeed
a blissfully wedded couple,

1193
01:26:47,235 --> 01:26:48,429
because, you see,

1194
01:26:49,537 --> 01:26:52,028
we were married
in an official ceremony,

1195
01:26:52,240 --> 01:26:54,174
with official and legal vows

1196
01:26:54,375 --> 01:26:58,573
in front of a bona fide
justice of the peace.

1197
01:26:58,947 --> 01:27:00,676
Oh, my God, what have I done?

1198
01:27:01,082 --> 01:27:02,982
I'm sorry! I didn't know!

1199
01:27:03,184 --> 01:27:04,879
First order of business,

1200
01:27:05,086 --> 01:27:08,487
put the other two brats
up for adoption, separately,

1201
01:27:08,690 --> 01:27:10,817
into the far corners of the earth.

1202
01:27:11,092 --> 01:27:14,391
These children are meddlesome
when they're together.

1203
01:27:14,596 --> 01:27:20,398
- Mr. Poe!
- You unspeakable cad! Arrest him!

1204
01:27:21,402 --> 01:27:22,494
For what?

1205
01:27:22,804 --> 01:27:24,203
For being a greedy monster!

1206
01:27:24,405 --> 01:27:25,394
Come on.

1207
01:27:26,708 --> 01:27:30,508
Oh, I'm the monster? I'm the monster?

1208
01:27:31,546 --> 01:27:33,912
You're the monster.

1209
01:27:34,315 --> 01:27:36,613
Come on. Come on.

1210
01:27:36,818 --> 01:27:40,447
These children tried to tell you,
but you wouldn't listen.

1211
01:27:40,722 --> 01:27:43,418
No one ever listens to children.

1212
01:27:44,125 --> 01:27:46,457
- Come on.
- Do you think you're innocent?

1213
01:27:46,661 --> 01:27:48,219
You're accomplices.

1214
01:27:48,763 --> 01:27:52,563
This certificate says
that I have the fortune now.

1215
01:27:52,967 --> 01:27:54,059
Come on!

1216
01:27:54,269 --> 01:27:56,829
And there's nothing you can do
about it!

1217
01:28:02,577 --> 01:28:05,910
What do you think? Too diabolical?
Give me some feedback.

1218
01:28:21,396 --> 01:28:24,229
Hey, marriage is no picnic.

1219
01:28:24,432 --> 01:28:27,697
Oh, and by the way,
you're a terrible actor.

1220
01:28:28,202 --> 01:28:29,328
Now, now,

1221
01:28:30,405 --> 01:28:32,202
Iet's keep our heads here.

1222
01:28:32,507 --> 01:28:36,136
If you do anything to me,
you're just sinking to my level.

1223
01:28:36,411 --> 01:28:40,404
Not to mention setting
a terrible example for the children.

1224
01:28:41,649 --> 01:28:42,707
Guilty.

1225
01:28:42,917 --> 01:28:46,444
I am thrilled to say that Count Olaf
was captured,

1226
01:28:46,654 --> 01:28:49,350
for crimes too numerous to mention.

1227
01:28:49,624 --> 01:28:53,116
And before serving his life sentence,
it was the judge's decree

1228
01:28:53,361 --> 01:28:55,852
that Olaf be made to suffer
every hardship

1229
01:28:56,130 --> 01:28:58,030
- that he forced upon the children.
- Yes!

1230
01:29:01,002 --> 01:29:03,300
Get out! Get out!

1231
01:29:07,575 --> 01:29:09,008
Oh, no.

1232
01:29:18,186 --> 01:29:20,620
The Baudelaires had triumphed.

1233
01:29:20,888 --> 01:29:25,018
A word which here means, ''unmasking
a cruel and talentless arsonist

1234
01:29:25,293 --> 01:29:28,228
and solving the mystery
of the Baudelaire fire. ''

1235
01:29:31,099 --> 01:29:33,329
If only justice were as kind.

1236
01:29:33,534 --> 01:29:38,836
Count Olaf vanished after a jury
of his peers overturned his sentence.

1237
01:29:39,407 --> 01:29:43,104
As for the Baudelaires, what lay
ahead for them was unclear.

1238
01:29:43,311 --> 01:29:44,801
But one thing they knew,
as they climbed

1239
01:29:45,012 --> 01:29:48,038
once again into the back
of Mr. Poe's car:

1240
01:29:48,750 --> 01:29:50,217
They were moving on.

1241
01:29:52,820 --> 01:29:54,617
Now, don't worry, children,

1242
01:29:55,123 --> 01:29:58,217
I'm sure the authorities will catch up
with Count Olaf very soon.

1243
01:29:59,427 --> 01:30:03,124
No, no, we'll never have to deal
with that terrible man again.

1244
01:30:06,934 --> 01:30:08,424
Before we leave,

1245
01:30:09,871 --> 01:30:13,932
perhaps there's time
for just one last stop.

1246
01:31:59,981 --> 01:32:03,007
''Violet, Klaus and Sunny.''
It's addressed to us.

1247
01:32:03,217 --> 01:32:05,014
Look at all these postmarks.

1248
01:32:05,353 --> 01:32:10,313
It's been to England and Rome
and Kenya and lceland.

1249
01:32:10,625 --> 01:32:12,422
I don't even know
where these are from.

1250
01:32:12,627 --> 01:32:13,924
Who's it from?

1251
01:32:20,535 --> 01:32:21,934
Mom and Dad.

1252
01:32:37,051 --> 01:32:38,450
It's the letter.

1253
01:32:39,387 --> 01:32:41,252
The letter that never came.

1254
01:32:45,259 --> 01:32:47,887
''Dearest children,
since we've been abroad

1255
01:32:48,095 --> 01:32:49,858
we have missed you all so much.

1256
01:32:51,098 --> 01:32:54,397
Certain events have compelled us
to extend our travels.

1257
01:32:55,202 --> 01:32:56,863
One day, when you're older,

1258
01:32:57,371 --> 01:32:59,805
you will learn all about the people
we've befriended

1259
01:33:00,007 --> 01:33:01,736
and the dangers we have faced.

1260
01:33:02,443 --> 01:33:05,606
At times, the world can seem
an unfriendly and sinister place.

1261
01:33:05,813 --> 01:33:09,510
But believe us when we say that there
is much more good in it than bad.

1262
01:33:09,717 --> 01:33:11,912
All you have to do
is look hard enough.

1263
01:33:12,620 --> 01:33:15,248
And what might seem to be
a series of unfortunate events

1264
01:33:15,523 --> 01:33:18,117
may in fact be the first steps
of a journey.

1265
01:33:19,126 --> 01:33:21,924
We hope to have you back
in our arms soon, darlings.

1266
01:33:22,129 --> 01:33:26,225
But in case this letter arrives before
our return, know that we love you.

1267
01:33:27,535 --> 01:33:30,436
It fills us with pride to know that
no matter what happens in this life

1268
01:33:30,638 --> 01:33:32,162
that you three will take care
of each other

1269
01:33:32,373 --> 01:33:34,671
with kindness and bravery
and selflessness,

1270
01:33:34,875 --> 01:33:36,638
as you always have.

1271
01:33:37,178 --> 01:33:40,341
And remember one thing, my darlings,
and never forget it:

1272
01:33:41,048 --> 01:33:44,848
That no matter where we are, know
that as long as you have each other,

1273
01:33:45,052 --> 01:33:47,680
you have your family,
and you are home.

1274
01:33:48,656 --> 01:33:50,351
Your loving parents.''

1275
01:34:09,110 --> 01:34:13,137
Passing the torch is a rite of passage
that can take many forms.

1276
01:34:13,347 --> 01:34:17,113
But perhaps the least known
and most surprising

1277
01:34:17,618 --> 01:34:19,813
is the passing of a spyglass.

1278
01:34:38,539 --> 01:34:41,064
Dear reader, there are people
in the world

1279
01:34:41,275 --> 01:34:44,039
who know no misery and woe.
And they take comfort

1280
01:34:44,245 --> 01:34:46,475
in cheerful films about twittering
birds and giggling elves.

1281
01:34:49,050 --> 01:34:52,383
There are people who know that
there's always a mystery to be solved.

1282
01:34:52,586 --> 01:34:54,053
And they take comfort in researching

1283
01:34:54,255 --> 01:34:57,554
and writing down
any important evidence.

1284
01:34:59,593 --> 01:35:02,494
But this story is not about
such people.

1285
01:35:02,797 --> 01:35:05,891
This story is about the Baudelaires.

1286
01:35:06,200 --> 01:35:10,432
And they are the sort of people who
know that there's always something.

1287
01:35:11,305 --> 01:35:14,502
Something to invent,
something to read,

1288
01:35:14,709 --> 01:35:17,337
something to bite
and something to do

1289
01:35:17,545 --> 01:35:20,912
to make a sanctuary,
no matter how small.

1290
01:35:31,726 --> 01:35:34,923
And for this reason,
I am happy to say,

1291
01:35:35,129 --> 01:35:40,066
the Baudelaires were
very fortunate indeed.

1292
01:46:15,102 --> 01:46:18,594
Oh, the captain loved
The ladies

1293
01:46:18,805 --> 01:46:21,205
But he dragged himself
A wife

1294
01:46:21,408 --> 01:46:25,003
Now he's wishin' he was fishin'
But he's on the hook for life

1295
01:46:25,212 --> 01:46:26,509
Well, I guess he should not
Ought-er

1296
01:46:26,713 --> 01:46:28,908
But he drowned her
In the water

1297
01:46:29,116 --> 01:46:30,811
And then a flounder
Downed her

1298
01:46:31,017 --> 01:46:33,110
That's why they never
Found her

1299
01:46:38,425 --> 01:46:41,758
Bum buttery, flit fluttery
Dum diddly-ooh

1300
01:46:41,962 --> 01:46:45,261
Bum buttery, bluebird
Is singing a tune

1301
01:46:45,465 --> 01:46:48,832
Daffy-down-dillies awaken
And prune

1302
01:46:49,035 --> 01:46:51,833
Bursting in bloom
All the flowers assume

1303
01:46:52,038 --> 01:46:55,838
It's a loverly, loverly spring

1304
01:47:03,283 --> 01:47:06,582
Chit-chattery chipmunks
All singing along

1305
01:47:06,787 --> 01:47:10,188
Humming their
Join-in-a-spring-along song

1306
01:47:10,390 --> 01:47:13,223
Spring is the springiest time
For a song

1307
01:47:13,427 --> 01:47:16,828
It's a loverly, loverly spring

1308
01:47:17,030 --> 01:47:20,591
In the forest we play
With the rabbits all day

1309
01:47:20,801 --> 01:47:24,202
We visit the birdies
And fishes

1310
01:47:24,404 --> 01:47:27,805
There's nary a care
When there's spring in the air

1311
01:47:28,008 --> 01:47:31,603
The feeling is just
Too delicious

1312
01:47:31,812 --> 01:47:35,213
Rum-buttery buttercups
All in a row

1313
01:47:35,415 --> 01:47:38,714
Trilling and thrilling
And stealing the show

1314
01:47:38,919 --> 01:47:41,820
May is the merriest month
That I know

1315
01:47:42,022 --> 01:47:44,456
It's a loverly, loverly

1316
01:47:44,658 --> 01:47:45,920
La-la-loverly

1317
01:47:46,126 --> 01:47:49,152
La-la-la-loverly spring