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Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome Joe Rogan.

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What the fuck is going on,
San Francisco?

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Thanks for coming.
I appreciate it! God damn!

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Put your phone down, fuckface!

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I see you, bitch!
Put your phone down!

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Motherfuckers.

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They can't use their eyes.

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Everybody's gotta live
through their goddamn phone.

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Whoo! I'm high as fuck. Whoo.

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It's strange.

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I wasn't sure if I was gonna do
this sober. I'm like, "Ugh..."

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It's not the move.

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Not in San Francisco.
This is...

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I love pot, but the people that are making
edibles need to slow the fuck down.

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Oh, my God!
What are you trying to do to people?

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I had a pot gummy bear the other day.

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I think we can all agree a gummy bear
shouldn't be able to steal your soul.

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Right?

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How the fuck are these people
making these things, man?

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They're not consistent.
That's also part of the problem.

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You don't know what you're getting,

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'cause they're not making them
the same place where they make Tylenol.

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Nah, it's some greasy dude

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with a Grateful Dead T-shirt on
and a gray ponytail.

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He's got a bowl of ingredients,

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and he can't remember
whether or not he put weed in yet.

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This dude's time traveling,
just back and forth.

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He just keeps chucking weed in there
until it looks like lawn trimmings.

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You eat it,
and it's not what you're looking for.

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It's not regulated.
You gotta ask questions.

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I asked a dude at the pot store.

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I go, "Hey, man, how strong
are the gummy bears?"

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He goes...

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That's not a unit of measurement.

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He's like, "El diablo. El diablo."

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"Fuck, man. How much should I take?"

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"Just the leg."

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"Just the leg?

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Why are you selling whole bears?

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What the fuck are you trying
to prove, man?"

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They just watch you leave with that bear.

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They go, "Oh, shit."

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They know.
They know you're not gonna die.

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You're gonna think you're gonna die,
but everybody lives.

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Learn some shit.

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We learn some shit from the scary trips.

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See, the thing about edibles,
one of the problems with it being illegal,

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is that a lot of us don't have a lot
of information that we could use.

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Like, there's a difference
between smoking it and eating it.

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When you smoke it, you get THC.

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But when you eat it,
it's processed by your liver,

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and it produces something
called 11-hydroxy metabolite

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that's five times more psychoactive
than THC.

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And it lets you talk to dolphins.

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This is a real moment
that changed my life.

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I was in Hawaii, and we were on a boat,
and we were fishing.

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We were pulling these lines
behind the boat,

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and I was so high,

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I was trying to figure out
which way the Earth was spinning.

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Like, the boat's going this way,
and the sun's up there.

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I'm like, "Um..."

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For like 20 minutes, I'm paralyzed.

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So, while this is all happening,
these dolphins just show up.

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And if you've ever been around
wild dolphins, they're very trippy.

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It's very different than you expect,
because they look at you.

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They, like, check you out.

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They, like, pop out of the water
and they, like, look at you...

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like a person,
not like a fucking deer or woodchuck.

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They look at you like another person.

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Granted, I was so high
I thought I was gonna die, but...

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I'm making eye contact
with these dolphins,

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and I started thinking,
"How smart are these fucking things?"

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Because we're fishing.
Dolphins eat fish.

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But you never catch dolphins.

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Ever.

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No one has ever gone fishing
and accidentally caught a dolphin.

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And all I could think of
while these dolphins were, like,

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hopping through the water,
and looking at us and shit...

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I was thinking,
"If people lived in the water,

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you'd fucking catch 'em all day."

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They wouldn't even have to live
in the water.

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If cheeseburgers
just floated down Geary Street...

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at least once a week, a guy would be like,
"I'm taking a chance."

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And you see 'em getting yanked up
to the clouds.

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"Fuck! We lost Billy!"

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The bottom of his sneakers
in a puff of cloud.

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You don't catch dolphins
on fishhooks, man.

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That's weird.

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They're around fishing all the time
and like, "Bitch."

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They're fucking smart. How smart?

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Well, I watched a dolphin documentary,

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and it said they have a cerebral cortex
that's 40% larger than a human being's.

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I don't know what that means, but if you
say it right and don't fuck up the words,

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it makes you sound smarter
than you really are.

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I think what it means
is they have big fucking brains.

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But we don't think of them as being smart
'cause they don't do what we do. Right?

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They don't send e-mails.
They don't have houses.

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But if you lived in their world,
you don't need anything.

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You don't need your fingers.
No one's typing.

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They have a language that's so complex,
we can't understand it.

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All the food's free.
They stay where the water's warm.

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I started thinking,
"How fucking smart are they?

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What if they're exactly the same as us?

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What if it's just some different branch
of evolution?

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We went one way. They went the other.

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What if consciousness is the same?"

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I was thinking, "What if me to me
is the same as me to a dolphin?"

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The way you think of yourself
when you say the word "me."

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I was like, "What if that's exactly
how a dolphin feels?

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They're just living life
through different biology,

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different genetics,
different life experiences.

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But if I lived a dolphin's life,
I would be him.

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And if he lived my life, he would be me."

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And then I started thinking,
"What if that's the case with people?

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What if everyone is exactly the same?

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We're just living life
through different bodies.

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What if that's the secret of happiness?

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Treat everyone
as if it's you living another life."

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I mean...

120
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And then I thought, "God damn, how good
is this weed I'm getting in California?

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Whoo!

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I'm on a fucking floating craft out
in the middle of the ocean,

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talking to water people."

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The problem with treating everybody
as if it's you living another life

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is you wanna fucking smack yourself.

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Half the people you meet,
you just wanna fucking smack 'em.

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We live in the weirdest time ever.

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I mean, it's the most awesome time ever.

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But it's the weirdest time ever, too.

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We're, like,
that close to President Trump.

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- No. Boo!
- "No. Boo!"

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You boo, but you won't vote, you fucks!

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All those Bernie Sanders people,
"Yo, Bernie's the shit."

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"Did you vote for him?"
"Voting ain't real, bro.

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It doesn't even work, dude."

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We are that close to President Trump.

137
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Bill Cosby's a rapist,
and Bruce Jenner's a chick.

138
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We're in an episode of Lost.

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Down is up and up is down!

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This is the type of world you get
when you give kids participation trophies

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for getting their ass kicked
in soccer games.

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This is the world we get!

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We get a goddamn Nerfed-up world
filled with nonsense.

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Nobody wants to be president. Nobody.
I hope Hillary wins.

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That way we can realize
chicks can't do that fucking job either.

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It's a stupid job.

147
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It's a stupid job invented back
when people used to write with feathers.

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It's dumb!

149
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It's just some old-school shit
that we need to get rid of.

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It doesn't make any sense.

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Being president is great
if there's like 50 people.

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If there's 50 people,
you can figure out which one's the best.

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Three hundred million people?

154
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I have three kids. I don't know
where the fuck they are right now.

155
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How is this one dude
in charge of 300 million people?

156
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It's nonsense.

157
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It's so old and stupid.

158
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They make this guy sleep
in this fucking White House.

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If Trump wins, you know his house
is cooler than the White House.

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He's like, "I'm not sleeping
in that shitty-ass, stupid house."

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Trump's probably got, like,
a tube at home that he opens up,

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and a Chinese girl just pops out of it,
and sucks his dick and goes right back in.

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That's what I would do
if I had that kind of money.

164
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We're down to assholes!

165
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Where's Elon Musk when you need him?

166
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Where's the fucking geniuses?

167
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Where's Mark Cuban?

168
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No. We got an old lady trying
to get back at her husband

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for a blowjob he got in the '90s.

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We got an old man who hates money.

171
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And we got a reality TV star
with a plastic set of hair.

172
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You can't have a president
with environmental concerns,

173
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when every time
this motherfucker does his hair,

174
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we lose a foot of ozone layer
and a polar bear bursts into flames.

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He's got, like, a closet full
of Aqua Net at home.

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You can't pretend you don't give a fuck
when you have that thing going on, dude.

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Stop that.

178
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The White House got broken into
while Obama was in office.

179
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The first time in over 100 years
that someone broke into the White House.

180
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Also, the first time a girl
was guarding the front door by herself.

181
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"What are you trying to say, that women
can't do everything men can do?"

182
00:10:43,885 --> 00:10:45,887
Exactly. That's exactly what I'm saying.

183
00:10:47,722 --> 00:10:50,892
That seems sexist, right?
People say, "You're sexist."

184
00:10:50,975 --> 00:10:53,270
No, it's not sexist.
Here's why it's not sexist.

185
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'Cause men can't even do
everything men can do.

186
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See? There's no physical equality, folks.

187
00:11:00,735 --> 00:11:02,404
That's why we have the Olympics.

188
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'Cause there's people that can do
some shit that you and I can't do.

189
00:11:06,491 --> 00:11:09,244
One of those things is guarding
the fucking White House.

190
00:11:12,414 --> 00:11:15,250
I know I can't guard the White House.
You know how I know?

191
00:11:15,334 --> 00:11:18,462
Because I've met Shaquille O'Neal
and his dick is where my face is.

192
00:11:22,090 --> 00:11:27,095
That's not equality.
That's not white privilege.

193
00:11:27,178 --> 00:11:29,514
Listen, if the White House
is experiencing a Shaq Attack,

194
00:11:29,598 --> 00:11:31,725
I'm the wrong dude to save the world.

195
00:11:33,101 --> 00:11:34,519
I did Fear Factor with Shaq.

196
00:11:34,603 --> 00:11:37,647
If we're holding hands, it'd be like
a six-year-old at the park with his dad.

197
00:11:38,690 --> 00:11:40,484
We're barely the same thing.

198
00:11:43,362 --> 00:11:45,489
So, do I think women should
guard the White House? No.

199
00:11:45,572 --> 00:11:46,865
I don't think I should, either.

200
00:11:46,948 --> 00:11:52,371
It's not sexist to say that women
can't do big physical labor things

201
00:11:52,454 --> 00:11:55,123
as good as giant men can.

202
00:11:55,206 --> 00:11:57,542
But people will tell you it is.
Well, I'm not sexist.

203
00:11:57,626 --> 00:12:00,044
As a matter of fact,
my favorite people are all female.

204
00:12:00,128 --> 00:12:03,465
I have a wife and I have three daughters.
They're my favorite people in the world.

205
00:12:05,383 --> 00:12:07,469
But I could beat the fuck out
of all of them.

206
00:12:08,970 --> 00:12:10,389
Okay? Listen...

207
00:12:10,472 --> 00:12:12,807
If they're guarding the door,
I'm getting in.

208
00:12:12,891 --> 00:12:15,101
I don't mean to sound cocky.

209
00:12:16,645 --> 00:12:17,771
But I'm just real confident.

210
00:12:17,854 --> 00:12:21,566
I could fuck them up if I had the flu.
Okay?

211
00:12:23,401 --> 00:12:25,070
Yeah, we're different. We're different.

212
00:12:27,238 --> 00:12:28,573
I could beat up my cat, too.

213
00:12:28,657 --> 00:12:31,159
I'm not proud of it.
I just tell you what's up.

214
00:12:31,242 --> 00:12:33,077
If you wanna bet money, bet money on me.

215
00:12:33,161 --> 00:12:34,954
I'll fuck that cat up.

216
00:12:35,038 --> 00:12:36,039
Most likely.

217
00:12:36,122 --> 00:12:38,249
Cats are fucking weird like that, man.

218
00:12:38,333 --> 00:12:41,670
I was petting my cat once and he bit me.
I was like, "Whoa! Are we gonna do this?

219
00:12:41,753 --> 00:12:44,297
What the fuck are you doing here?"
I got a little nervous.

220
00:12:45,507 --> 00:12:47,091
Got a little nervous.

221
00:12:48,092 --> 00:12:52,514
"Women can do everything men can do.
This guy's a piece of shit. We're leaving.

222
00:12:52,597 --> 00:12:56,643
Too much information is going in
that I don't agree with!"

223
00:12:58,353 --> 00:13:02,231
"What the guy said was total bullshit.
Total bullshit."

224
00:13:02,316 --> 00:13:04,943
How'd that girl get that job?
I'll tell you how that girl got that job.

225
00:13:05,026 --> 00:13:06,778
Because someone let her have that job.

226
00:13:06,861 --> 00:13:09,739
Which means, either there were a bunch
of guys that were trying to fuck her...

227
00:13:10,907 --> 00:13:13,076
or her boss was a chick and she hated her.

228
00:13:15,370 --> 00:13:17,706
Either one's possible.

229
00:13:17,789 --> 00:13:20,459
Look, if there was a bunch of guys
that were trying to fuck her,

230
00:13:20,542 --> 00:13:21,710
that makes total sense.

231
00:13:21,793 --> 00:13:25,129
If there's one hot girl and she's working
with five guys in an office,

232
00:13:25,213 --> 00:13:27,799
no work's getting done in that office.

233
00:13:27,882 --> 00:13:32,053
That office is now just an audition
to see which guy gets to fuck her.

234
00:13:32,136 --> 00:13:35,724
Each one of those guys
will just slowly start to morph

235
00:13:35,807 --> 00:13:38,393
to figure out what this girl likes.

236
00:13:38,476 --> 00:13:41,354
Men become like an octopus that tries
to fit its way through a keyhole.

237
00:13:41,438 --> 00:13:45,484
"There's gotta be a fucking way.
There's gotta be a fucking way!"

238
00:13:47,235 --> 00:13:49,404
You got this girl who's like,
"I could guard the front door."

239
00:13:49,488 --> 00:13:53,658
"Oh, you could definitely guard the door.
No doubt. No doubt."

240
00:13:56,244 --> 00:14:00,957
And over time, if this woman doesn't sleep
with one of these men and claim him,

241
00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:03,418
over time,
these guys will just start morphing.

242
00:14:03,501 --> 00:14:06,254
And they'll just start saying ridiculous,
preposterous shit.

243
00:14:07,088 --> 00:14:09,508
"Debbie wants to guard the front door.
Do you have a problem with that?"

244
00:14:09,591 --> 00:14:12,761
"No, I don't. As a matter of fact,
I think women are amazing.

245
00:14:12,844 --> 00:14:14,262
Plus, I'm vegan."

246
00:14:15,263 --> 00:14:16,765
And they will just...

247
00:14:16,848 --> 00:14:18,307
They will wear patchouli.

248
00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:20,977
They will do what the fuck
they have to do.

249
00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:24,731
Next thing you know,
poor fucking Debbie at the front door...

250
00:14:27,066 --> 00:14:28,276
"Why am I alone?"

251
00:14:35,033 --> 00:14:37,536
The whole story is so bananas.

252
00:14:37,619 --> 00:14:38,870
And it's one of my favorite stories.

253
00:14:38,953 --> 00:14:41,498
So I'm gonna give you the whole story
of the break-in at the White House

254
00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:44,793
with no edits and no comic exaggerations.

255
00:14:44,876 --> 00:14:46,378
This is the real story.

256
00:14:46,461 --> 00:14:48,672
'Cause a lot of people think
there's some grand conspiracy.

257
00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:50,757
There's some cabal of evil geniuses

258
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:53,301
that's pulling the strings
on everyone in America.

259
00:14:53,385 --> 00:14:58,723
It's most likely that people
are just dumb as fuck,

260
00:14:58,807 --> 00:15:00,892
in all sorts of walks of life.

261
00:15:00,975 --> 00:15:02,310
This is the story.

262
00:15:02,394 --> 00:15:05,146
This is the real story about the person
who broke into the White House.

263
00:15:05,229 --> 00:15:07,399
First of all, people are always worried,

264
00:15:07,482 --> 00:15:09,067
"The government's
checking out my e-mails, bro.

265
00:15:09,150 --> 00:15:11,027
The government's
watching us all the time."

266
00:15:12,487 --> 00:15:16,157
They pulled this guy over two months
before he broke into the White House.

267
00:15:16,241 --> 00:15:21,913
He had four handguns, two rifles
and a machete with him.

268
00:15:24,082 --> 00:15:26,167
They didn't even watch him.

269
00:15:26,250 --> 00:15:29,378
He had a map.
On the map was Washington,

270
00:15:29,463 --> 00:15:31,631
and it had an "X"
where the White House is.

271
00:15:33,091 --> 00:15:34,593
They're like, "You're good to go."

272
00:15:35,594 --> 00:15:36,595
They let him go!

273
00:15:36,678 --> 00:15:39,681
Two months later, this motherfucker
broke into the White House.

274
00:15:40,682 --> 00:15:42,183
And why did he break into the White House?

275
00:15:42,267 --> 00:15:43,852
Why do you break
into the White House ever?

276
00:15:43,935 --> 00:15:46,020
Because you want to die.

277
00:15:46,104 --> 00:15:48,607
You don't... That's like a suicide run.

278
00:15:48,690 --> 00:15:51,109
That's the only reason why someone
runs toward the White House.

279
00:15:51,192 --> 00:15:52,819
If you had to ask someone,
"What kind of security

280
00:15:52,902 --> 00:15:53,945
do you think they have
at the White House?"

281
00:15:54,028 --> 00:15:58,867
"Oh, dude...
they got snipers on every corner.

282
00:15:58,950 --> 00:16:00,452
They got lasers in the grass.

283
00:16:00,535 --> 00:16:03,663
If you get too far, they open up a door,
you drop right into jail."

284
00:16:05,289 --> 00:16:08,710
Nope. Turns out they
don't even have a dog.

285
00:16:08,793 --> 00:16:10,169
You just fucking run.

286
00:16:10,253 --> 00:16:12,046
The guy who made it into the White House,

287
00:16:12,130 --> 00:16:15,633
he had 800 rounds of ammunition
in his car.

288
00:16:16,801 --> 00:16:18,470
Left that there. Took a knife.

289
00:16:19,971 --> 00:16:21,931
That's a guy who wants to die!

290
00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:23,641
He's just sitting
in his fucking car going,

291
00:16:23,725 --> 00:16:27,521
"Fuck the government!
Fuck my ex-wife! And fuck everybody!

292
00:16:27,604 --> 00:16:31,065
I'm gonna do this! Fuck you!"

293
00:16:31,149 --> 00:16:35,153
Just sprinting, "Oh, my God, I'm doing it!
Oh, my God, I'm doing it!"

294
00:16:35,236 --> 00:16:37,822
Thinking, with every step, "This is
gonna be the last step of my life.

295
00:16:37,906 --> 00:16:40,575
No, this is gonna be the last step
of my life. No, this..."

296
00:16:40,659 --> 00:16:43,703
And he gets to the front door.
It's unlocked!

297
00:16:45,997 --> 00:16:48,542
He opens it.
There's a girl there by herself.

298
00:16:49,584 --> 00:16:53,713
Smacks her to the ground
and just starts running through the hall.

299
00:16:53,797 --> 00:16:55,131
Ah!

300
00:16:56,508 --> 00:16:58,510
He's probably going, "Why am I alive?"

301
00:17:00,094 --> 00:17:03,723
He's probably thinking... He was inside
for minutes. For minutes, running around.

302
00:17:03,807 --> 00:17:06,560
He got tackled by an off-duty officer.

303
00:17:08,937 --> 00:17:10,188
He was probably thinking,
"I wanted to die.

304
00:17:10,271 --> 00:17:11,815
I don't want to go to fucking jail.

305
00:17:11,898 --> 00:17:13,692
Will somebody please shoot me?"

306
00:17:15,193 --> 00:17:18,196
Then he was probably pissed.
"Where are my tax dollars going?

307
00:17:18,279 --> 00:17:21,324
What kind of security are you
fucking people running in this place?"

308
00:17:28,122 --> 00:17:30,792
Imagine when Obama found out
a girl was guarding him.

309
00:17:31,876 --> 00:17:36,339
He was probably like, "Everybody,
everybody, not that much diversity.

310
00:17:41,052 --> 00:17:44,848
I mean, what, are you playing
fucking fairy tale games here?"

311
00:17:49,227 --> 00:17:50,436
Obama's got a hard job,

312
00:17:50,519 --> 00:17:53,522
'cause he's the first president that's
ever been around while Google was here.

313
00:17:54,649 --> 00:17:56,067
You know,
he could Google his own name

314
00:17:56,150 --> 00:17:58,236
if he gets crazy
in the middle of the night. Right?

315
00:17:58,319 --> 00:18:00,154
"So, let me see what
the people have to say."

316
00:18:01,239 --> 00:18:03,241
He'd just go, "Obama is a..."

317
00:18:06,410 --> 00:18:10,206
"I'm none of those fucking things."
Freakin' out. Shit.

318
00:18:12,751 --> 00:18:14,836
Probably thinking,
"Why the fuck did I do this?"

319
00:18:14,919 --> 00:18:18,547
I think the guy who broke into
the White House and Obama

320
00:18:18,632 --> 00:18:20,925
probably have a lot in common.

321
00:18:21,009 --> 00:18:24,429
In that... they went for it,

322
00:18:25,429 --> 00:18:27,891
but they probably never really thought
they were getting in there.

323
00:18:31,936 --> 00:18:34,188
You can't quit once you're the president.

324
00:18:34,272 --> 00:18:37,901
The moment Obama actually got into office,
like, "Good morning, Mr. President,"

325
00:18:37,984 --> 00:18:41,821
he was probably like, "Oh, no!

326
00:18:41,905 --> 00:18:44,908
What the fuck did I do this for?

327
00:18:44,991 --> 00:18:47,493
I didn't think
I was actually gonna get in.

328
00:18:48,411 --> 00:18:50,622
I can't sleep. I'm freaking out.

329
00:18:50,705 --> 00:18:53,875
Everybody wants to kill me.

330
00:18:55,376 --> 00:18:56,544
Who the fuck is guarding me?"

331
00:18:59,047 --> 00:19:01,507
Looks out in the hallway.
There's a girl taking selfies.

332
00:19:05,804 --> 00:19:08,890
That'd be the greatest selfie of all time.
A girl with her ass out, duck lips,

333
00:19:08,973 --> 00:19:11,225
in the background, a dude's
breaking into the White House.

334
00:19:15,063 --> 00:19:17,815
You know I'm not making this up.

335
00:19:17,899 --> 00:19:20,401
You've all seen this.
This is recognizable.

336
00:19:21,653 --> 00:19:24,656
Pigeon-toed is a good move
'cause you can't get away that good.

337
00:19:24,739 --> 00:19:25,824
You just, like...

338
00:19:26,783 --> 00:19:28,409
Like there's something wrong
with your back.

339
00:19:29,828 --> 00:19:33,247
That's a recognizable pose.
When did that start?

340
00:19:33,331 --> 00:19:34,874
'Cause if you look
at the original pictures

341
00:19:34,958 --> 00:19:36,584
back when people first invented pictures,

342
00:19:36,668 --> 00:19:38,670
everybody just stood there looking hungry.

343
00:19:41,673 --> 00:19:45,593
Like, if you saw a photo from the 1800s,
and in the background a girl was going...

344
00:19:46,510 --> 00:19:48,387
She's a fucking time traveler!

345
00:19:51,766 --> 00:19:54,143
Nobody knew that move back then.

346
00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:56,479
Somebody had to see their face.

347
00:19:56,562 --> 00:19:58,522
"Oh, people like that.
They like what I'm doing."

348
00:20:06,656 --> 00:20:09,367
Combo. A two-hole combo attractor.

349
00:20:11,619 --> 00:20:13,872
It's all over online!

350
00:20:13,955 --> 00:20:15,456
It gets you a lot of likes.

351
00:20:16,750 --> 00:20:21,045
I saw a gal on Instagram,
she has eight million followers.

352
00:20:21,129 --> 00:20:23,882
All she does is take pictures of her ass.
That's it.

353
00:20:23,965 --> 00:20:25,967
She's got a winning formula.
She sticks with it.

354
00:20:26,050 --> 00:20:28,052
No witty memes.

355
00:20:28,136 --> 00:20:31,472
There's no inspirational quotes.
Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh.

356
00:20:31,556 --> 00:20:34,350
Just a lot of this. Different ways.

357
00:20:38,604 --> 00:20:40,231
And she's just a regular girl, man.

358
00:20:40,314 --> 00:20:44,068
I'm watching this, I'm like,
"This is a different kind of person."

359
00:20:44,152 --> 00:20:48,406
She has eight million people that have
no idea what her voice sounds like.

360
00:20:48,489 --> 00:20:50,158
She doesn't have a job that they like.

361
00:20:50,241 --> 00:20:52,160
She doesn't have an occupation
that they follow.

362
00:20:52,243 --> 00:20:55,246
They're just staring at her ass.
This is a new kind of human.

363
00:20:57,331 --> 00:20:59,292
There's never been a person,
psychologically,

364
00:20:59,375 --> 00:21:01,753
that's had to navigate
those kind of waters.

365
00:21:01,836 --> 00:21:03,004
If you really stop and think about it,

366
00:21:03,087 --> 00:21:06,674
science should really step in
and start looking at this.

367
00:21:06,758 --> 00:21:11,679
Don't go to South America to study some
new frog that nobody gives a fuck about.

368
00:21:11,763 --> 00:21:15,349
There's a girl in Florida with
eight million people staring at her ass.

369
00:21:16,851 --> 00:21:19,145
How does this girl keep a relationship?

370
00:21:20,062 --> 00:21:21,856
What is her day like?

371
00:21:22,774 --> 00:21:25,193
How many dick pics does she get sent?

372
00:21:25,276 --> 00:21:28,362
How many dick pics does
that girl receive on a daily basis?

373
00:21:28,446 --> 00:21:30,156
Is it like the national debt counter

374
00:21:30,239 --> 00:21:33,034
was just fucking spinning
out of control constantly?

375
00:21:33,117 --> 00:21:34,452
I bet if she turns on the notifications,

376
00:21:34,535 --> 00:21:37,914
her phone just starts screaming
and runs away from her.

377
00:21:37,997 --> 00:21:40,083
I bet if she deletes
all the dick pics from her phone,

378
00:21:40,166 --> 00:21:42,001
it would be physically lighter.

379
00:21:43,544 --> 00:21:46,422
This is a new kind of person.

380
00:21:47,799 --> 00:21:51,635
We really have to understand, there's
never been a person like this before.

381
00:21:53,721 --> 00:21:55,890
And she's just a person.

382
00:21:55,974 --> 00:22:01,062
Like, that kind of influence,
that kind of attractant,

383
00:22:01,145 --> 00:22:05,984
that's a very strong drug to have
in the hands of just a girl.

384
00:22:06,067 --> 00:22:08,402
And as a guy who has daughters,

385
00:22:08,486 --> 00:22:12,240
I just think of that, like,
that's kind of fucking... That's weird.

386
00:22:12,323 --> 00:22:15,952
Because this girl has
eight million people staring at her ass.

387
00:22:16,035 --> 00:22:21,666
Eight million creeps and weirdos
and perverts objectifying her.

388
00:22:21,749 --> 00:22:25,128
I mean, I follow her,
but I'm not like those other assholes.

389
00:22:26,212 --> 00:22:27,630
I'm different.

390
00:22:28,673 --> 00:22:31,092
I care. I care about who she is.

391
00:22:32,051 --> 00:22:35,888
I'm a nice person.
I'm a hero or something.

392
00:22:37,598 --> 00:22:40,143
"I'm different.
Those other guys are assholes.

393
00:22:40,226 --> 00:22:43,437
Men are noble. Men are noble and true."

394
00:22:43,521 --> 00:22:45,481
Mmm. If we get to come.

395
00:22:46,690 --> 00:22:51,112
If men don't get to come,
we get real Sméagol-like real quick.

396
00:22:51,195 --> 00:22:53,489
Just a few months of no dates,

397
00:22:53,572 --> 00:22:56,159
"Mesus is just so disappointed

398
00:22:56,242 --> 00:22:59,328
with all the mens mesus meets.

399
00:23:00,204 --> 00:23:02,957
Mesus is so embarrassed

400
00:23:03,041 --> 00:23:06,794
at how other mens talks to you. Mmm.

401
00:23:09,338 --> 00:23:10,924
Oh."

402
00:23:13,051 --> 00:23:17,846
Everyone wants to set themselves up
as being the noble one.

403
00:23:17,931 --> 00:23:19,723
Everybody wants to be
Matthew McConaughey,

404
00:23:19,807 --> 00:23:21,267
to save the world on a rocket ship.

405
00:23:25,646 --> 00:23:27,773
There's people that are signing up
to go to Mars.

406
00:23:28,942 --> 00:23:29,943
Do you know about this?

407
00:23:30,026 --> 00:23:33,404
There's a mission to Mars,
a manned mission to Mars,

408
00:23:33,487 --> 00:23:38,534
where 200,000 people have signed up to be
amongst the four people to die on Mars.

409
00:23:40,995 --> 00:23:43,122
They're gonna take a one-way trip to Mars.

410
00:23:43,206 --> 00:23:46,500
That's some sad shit
for a bunch of reasons.

411
00:23:46,584 --> 00:23:47,918
First of all, it's some sad shit,

412
00:23:48,002 --> 00:23:52,256
'cause that's 200,000 people
that don't have any real friends. Right?

413
00:23:52,340 --> 00:23:54,217
If it's someone you love,
your real friend...

414
00:23:54,300 --> 00:23:55,718
If one of my friends
is gonna move to Florida,

415
00:23:55,801 --> 00:23:58,179
I'll be like,
"Bitch, where the fuck are you going?

416
00:23:58,262 --> 00:24:00,764
You're gonna go to Florida?
We can't hang out if you go to Florida.

417
00:24:00,848 --> 00:24:03,434
Why the fuck are you moving
to Florida, man?"

418
00:24:03,517 --> 00:24:04,602
But you might be able to deal with it.

419
00:24:04,685 --> 00:24:06,437
"We can just visit each other
every now and then."

420
00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:08,439
But if your friend was gonna move to Mars,

421
00:24:08,522 --> 00:24:11,859
you'd be like,
"Oh, really? Get in the fucking car!

422
00:24:11,942 --> 00:24:13,861
Just get in the car, dude."

423
00:24:13,944 --> 00:24:16,197
Take him out to Death Valley,
"Look around!

424
00:24:17,740 --> 00:24:19,283
Sucks, right?

425
00:24:21,035 --> 00:24:23,496
Mars sucks worse.
Get back in the car, stupid."

426
00:24:23,579 --> 00:24:25,748
Jesus Christ!

427
00:24:26,957 --> 00:24:29,543
There's places in America
you can't live, man.

428
00:24:29,627 --> 00:24:30,753
You don't wanna live in Detroit,

429
00:24:30,836 --> 00:24:32,880
why the fuck are you talking
about moving to Mars?

430
00:24:34,965 --> 00:24:38,136
People really consider moving to Mars.

431
00:24:38,219 --> 00:24:40,388
It's one of the dumbest ideas ever.

432
00:24:40,471 --> 00:24:43,224
But if you say that,
people will eco-bro you.

433
00:24:44,392 --> 00:24:46,060
Have you ever been eco-broed?

434
00:24:47,061 --> 00:24:51,065
These people will find an opportunity
to virtue signal over you,

435
00:24:51,149 --> 00:24:53,067
as Michael Shermer likes to point out.

436
00:24:53,151 --> 00:24:57,071
Like, puff their chest out and say
that they're probably better than you.

437
00:24:57,155 --> 00:24:58,489
"Hey, dude. Seriously?

438
00:24:58,572 --> 00:25:00,408
You think there's something wrong
with going to Mars?

439
00:25:00,491 --> 00:25:01,950
Well, I don't know
if you've paid attention, man.

440
00:25:02,035 --> 00:25:05,829
We maybe should colonize Mars
'cause California's almost out of water."

441
00:25:08,332 --> 00:25:10,334
Then he'll nod, like, "Yeah, bitch."

442
00:25:11,752 --> 00:25:14,338
We're right next to the ocean.
What the fuck are you talking about?

443
00:25:14,422 --> 00:25:17,591
Look at all that water.
You fly over it, it takes a day.

444
00:25:17,675 --> 00:25:20,678
The world's blue.
It's more water than it is not water.

445
00:25:21,637 --> 00:25:24,182
We have a salt problem.
We don't have a water problem.

446
00:25:24,265 --> 00:25:27,060
Suck the salt out of the water,
we got a goddamn party.

447
00:25:27,143 --> 00:25:29,353
Instead of pissing and moaning...

448
00:25:30,938 --> 00:25:32,773
"Too complicated, bro.
We gotta go to Neptune."

449
00:25:32,857 --> 00:25:35,693
Oh, my God! You're fucking crazy.

450
00:25:35,776 --> 00:25:38,529
We're a crazy race filled
with crazy people.

451
00:25:38,612 --> 00:25:41,532
We're like a dude with a dirty house.
Like, "Man, I gotta build a new house."

452
00:25:41,615 --> 00:25:44,201
No, you gotta stop shitting
in your kitchen.

453
00:25:44,285 --> 00:25:46,787
Stop piling up newspapers
you're never gonna read

454
00:25:46,870 --> 00:25:48,456
in front of your bathroom, you fuck!

455
00:25:49,415 --> 00:25:50,791
We're crazy!

456
00:25:53,377 --> 00:25:56,880
One-way trip to Mars.
A one-way trip in coach

457
00:25:56,964 --> 00:26:01,552
with three other people so fucking stupid,
they're willing to die on Mars with you.

458
00:26:01,635 --> 00:26:04,222
Great. What great conversation
you're gonna have.

459
00:26:05,306 --> 00:26:07,141
It's nonsense, folks.

460
00:26:07,225 --> 00:26:09,560
My friend was like,
"They're not gonna die on Mars, man.

461
00:26:09,643 --> 00:26:11,812
If people are smart enough
to figure out how to get to Mars,

462
00:26:11,895 --> 00:26:14,315
they're smart enough
to figure out how to get back."

463
00:26:14,398 --> 00:26:16,609
Here's why that doesn't make any sense.

464
00:26:16,692 --> 00:26:20,446
People smart enough to get to Mars
aren't going.

465
00:26:23,324 --> 00:26:26,827
See, that's the dirty secret
about rocket travel, ladies and gentlemen.

466
00:26:26,910 --> 00:26:32,333
Nobody smart enough to make a rocket
ever gets in one of those fucking things.

467
00:26:32,416 --> 00:26:36,129
No. No, they look at each other
right before the launch and they go...

468
00:26:38,256 --> 00:26:42,260
They talk German and they
get behind giant fucking concrete bunkers.

469
00:26:44,595 --> 00:26:48,682
They take some square-jawed, corn-fed dude
from the middle of the country,

470
00:26:48,766 --> 00:26:52,436
tuck a Bible under that dude's arm
and strap him into that giant metal dick,

471
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:54,104
and shoot it off into the heavens.

472
00:26:56,190 --> 00:26:58,276
That's what we do.

473
00:26:58,359 --> 00:27:01,529
And that is what that is.
That is a metal dick.

474
00:27:01,612 --> 00:27:05,074
It's a robot dick,
and we're trying to fuck the sky.

475
00:27:05,157 --> 00:27:09,537
We are literally trying to come people out
of the tip of a metal dick

476
00:27:09,620 --> 00:27:11,955
onto other planets.

477
00:27:13,123 --> 00:27:17,044
Our ultimate goal
is that we get those planets pregnant,

478
00:27:17,127 --> 00:27:18,879
and they're too filled up with people,

479
00:27:18,962 --> 00:27:21,757
and then they gotta make a new metal dick.
"Bro, we gotta go to Jupiter."

480
00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:24,134
Then they make another one.
They shoot that fucking thing,

481
00:27:24,218 --> 00:27:25,386
and they fill Jupiter up.

482
00:27:25,469 --> 00:27:28,139
We just keep filling the cosmos up
with people.

483
00:27:28,222 --> 00:27:30,474
And we never evolve.
And we never change.

484
00:27:30,558 --> 00:27:32,851
We stay perfect, like we are right now.

485
00:27:33,811 --> 00:27:34,895
Who's in?

486
00:27:35,813 --> 00:27:38,399
You're gonna all come with me.
We're gonna leave here right now

487
00:27:38,482 --> 00:27:40,984
and go to the Church of Scientology
right down the street,

488
00:27:41,068 --> 00:27:43,404
and it's all gonna make sense
when you find out

489
00:27:43,487 --> 00:27:47,491
that you are an eternal being that created
reality so that you can enjoy it.

490
00:27:50,578 --> 00:27:54,122
I watched that HBO documentary
a couple too many times.

491
00:27:54,207 --> 00:27:58,001
I went Clear, I think. I think I'm Clear.
I'm back! I'm back now.

492
00:27:58,085 --> 00:27:59,337
If you haven't seen...

493
00:27:59,420 --> 00:28:02,381
I had to watch Going Clear,
a Scientology documentary,

494
00:28:02,465 --> 00:28:04,007
'cause I have a neighbor
who's a Scientologist,

495
00:28:04,091 --> 00:28:07,052
and I don't even think he's gay.
I don't know what the fuck's going on.

496
00:28:08,262 --> 00:28:10,639
But he sleeps really close to me,
you know.

497
00:28:10,723 --> 00:28:14,018
Like, my bed's here, this fucking dude's
bed's, like, over there. His house is...

498
00:28:14,101 --> 00:28:17,104
I mean, if you take away the walls,
he's fucking right there.

499
00:28:17,188 --> 00:28:19,440
It's like,
"What does this crazy fuck believe?"

500
00:28:20,358 --> 00:28:23,026
And Scientology is a wonderful religion.

501
00:28:23,110 --> 00:28:25,279
Not just because it was written
by a science fiction author

502
00:28:25,363 --> 00:28:26,655
who wrote more fake shit

503
00:28:26,739 --> 00:28:30,117
than anyone that's ever walked
the face of the Earth.

504
00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:31,619
And not by a small amount.

505
00:28:31,702 --> 00:28:34,705
This dude never made a second draft
in his fucking life.

506
00:28:34,788 --> 00:28:37,875
Everything was one draft of nonsense.

507
00:28:37,958 --> 00:28:40,836
And he wrote more of it than anybody.

508
00:28:40,919 --> 00:28:45,048
Not in his neighborhood, not in his state,
not in a year, not in a decade.

509
00:28:45,132 --> 00:28:48,219
More than anyone that's ever lived, ever.

510
00:28:48,302 --> 00:28:51,472
And Scientology is still like,
"I don't see any red flags.

511
00:28:51,555 --> 00:28:54,057
I think we're good.
I think this is legit as fuck."

512
00:28:56,477 --> 00:28:58,812
If Scientology is a good religion,

513
00:28:58,896 --> 00:29:01,232
it's because other religions
get to make fun of 'em.

514
00:29:01,315 --> 00:29:02,566
It's like it's the one religion

515
00:29:02,650 --> 00:29:05,778
that even the Mormons are like,
"Bitch, you believe what?

516
00:29:08,572 --> 00:29:12,743
Hold on. I mean, at least
we don't have video of Joseph Smith.

517
00:29:14,578 --> 00:29:16,789
There's some fucking shitty
black and white footage

518
00:29:16,872 --> 00:29:18,749
of L. Ron Hubbard
with a captain's outfit on.

519
00:29:18,832 --> 00:29:20,918
You wanna explain that?

520
00:29:21,001 --> 00:29:23,170
Why does he have all those awards on?

521
00:29:23,254 --> 00:29:26,840
Why is Tom Cruise wearing a gold medal
the size of a dinner plate?

522
00:29:26,924 --> 00:29:30,928
What the fuck is going on
with you people?"

523
00:29:32,513 --> 00:29:35,223
I watched it with my mom,
and it was like...

524
00:29:35,308 --> 00:29:39,019
First of all, Scientology,
they don't pay taxes.

525
00:29:39,103 --> 00:29:41,105
That's disturbing. They're tax-free,

526
00:29:41,188 --> 00:29:44,567
which means they're a recognized religion
by the government of the United States.

527
00:29:44,650 --> 00:29:46,026
Which means the government
of the United States

528
00:29:46,109 --> 00:29:48,446
had to go over what they believe

529
00:29:48,529 --> 00:29:50,864
and went, "Everything seems in order.

530
00:29:52,533 --> 00:29:54,452
None of this shit seems like a cult."

531
00:29:55,369 --> 00:29:58,622
Well, what the fuck is a cult,
and what's a religion?

532
00:29:58,706 --> 00:29:59,957
So I had to look it up.

533
00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:03,961
Turns out... I don't know who wrote this,
but it's a perfect definition.

534
00:30:04,044 --> 00:30:05,588
A cult is bullshit.

535
00:30:05,671 --> 00:30:09,550
It's created by one person.
That person knows it's bullshit.

536
00:30:09,633 --> 00:30:12,636
In a religion, that dude's dead.

537
00:30:17,224 --> 00:30:19,852
So it's a religion

538
00:30:19,935 --> 00:30:22,355
'cause L. Ron Hubbard's dead.

539
00:30:22,438 --> 00:30:24,440
So I guess they got it on a loophole.

540
00:30:27,568 --> 00:30:28,736
I watched it with my mom,

541
00:30:28,819 --> 00:30:31,279
and my mom was like, "I can't believe
anybody would fall for that."

542
00:30:32,656 --> 00:30:34,408
"You made me go to Catholic school.

543
00:30:36,327 --> 00:30:38,036
The fuck are you talking about?

544
00:30:38,120 --> 00:30:42,249
There was a child molester dressed like
a sorcerer sitting on a golden throne,

545
00:30:42,333 --> 00:30:44,126
and you made me call him Father.

546
00:30:45,127 --> 00:30:46,920
Slow your roll, lady."

547
00:30:49,590 --> 00:30:52,593
Imagine if I talked to my mom like that.
Oh, my God.

548
00:30:53,927 --> 00:30:55,596
Jokes, folks. Just jokes.

549
00:30:57,222 --> 00:30:59,433
I don't have a problem
with people being religious

550
00:30:59,516 --> 00:31:02,019
because I just think life itself
is too open-ended.

551
00:31:02,102 --> 00:31:03,186
It's too confusing.

552
00:31:03,270 --> 00:31:04,938
And I think we're evolving.

553
00:31:05,022 --> 00:31:08,609
And part of our struggle in evolving
is unanswered questions.

554
00:31:08,692 --> 00:31:10,528
We wanna seek these answers.
But in the meanwhile,

555
00:31:10,611 --> 00:31:13,697
they just give you so much anxiety,
and it fucks with you so much.

556
00:31:13,781 --> 00:31:15,491
There's nothing wrong with joining a cult.

557
00:31:15,574 --> 00:31:17,951
I think you gotta just join
a nice, friendly one.

558
00:31:19,119 --> 00:31:22,623
Like, the Mormons are a good cult.

559
00:31:22,706 --> 00:31:26,210
Here's why.
They don't get mad at anybody.

560
00:31:26,293 --> 00:31:29,463
Like, they never kill anybody.
Like, here's a perfect example.

561
00:31:29,547 --> 00:31:32,383
Matt Stone and Trey Parker,
the guys who created South Park,

562
00:31:32,466 --> 00:31:35,052
they made a hilarious musical called
The Book of Mormon.

563
00:31:35,135 --> 00:31:36,219
It's fantastic.

564
00:31:36,303 --> 00:31:38,806
If you haven't seen it,
it's so fucking hilarious.

565
00:31:38,889 --> 00:31:43,686
But it's also brutal!
Brutal about the Mormons.

566
00:31:43,769 --> 00:31:45,145
You know what the Mormons did?

567
00:31:45,228 --> 00:31:49,191
They went to see it, and they took out
a full-page ad in the playbill.

568
00:31:49,274 --> 00:31:51,026
It said, "If you enjoyed this musical

569
00:31:51,109 --> 00:31:53,028
and you wanna find out more
about being a Mormon,

570
00:31:53,111 --> 00:31:54,488
please visit our website."

571
00:31:56,156 --> 00:31:59,284
They just took it right on the chin
like champs.

572
00:32:00,202 --> 00:32:02,370
They didn't get mad.
They didn't get defensive.

573
00:32:02,455 --> 00:32:04,122
They didn't kill anybody.

574
00:32:04,206 --> 00:32:05,666
That's a good cult.

575
00:32:07,793 --> 00:32:09,002
They just said, "What do you wanna do?"

576
00:32:09,086 --> 00:32:10,921
"We got nine wives. Shut the fuck up!"

577
00:32:11,004 --> 00:32:12,005
"Everybody just...

578
00:32:12,923 --> 00:32:15,384
Everybody, just chill. Just chill."

579
00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:18,887
That's a good religion.

580
00:32:18,971 --> 00:32:20,388
That's a good cult.

581
00:32:20,473 --> 00:32:21,932
Some cults aren't that good.

582
00:32:22,015 --> 00:32:24,935
They get fucking testy. You know the one.

583
00:32:27,229 --> 00:32:29,648
We don't have to say who.
You know what I'm talking about.

584
00:32:29,732 --> 00:32:32,568
There's that one that will kill you
if you draw their guy.

585
00:32:33,861 --> 00:32:35,946
"Come on, man.
I can't even draw your dude?

586
00:32:37,531 --> 00:32:39,116
What if I draw a dude drawing your dude?"

587
00:32:39,199 --> 00:32:40,325
"No loopholes!"

588
00:32:41,409 --> 00:32:43,370
"Fuckin' relax, bro."

589
00:32:44,997 --> 00:32:46,624
And this isn't just theoretical.

590
00:32:46,707 --> 00:32:48,792
People have died
'cause they made cartoons.

591
00:32:48,876 --> 00:32:53,005
Before the most recent Paris attacks,
there was a magazine called Charlie Hebdo,

592
00:32:53,088 --> 00:32:56,049
and they were attacked,
where 11 cartoonists were killed.

593
00:32:56,133 --> 00:32:59,553
Eleven more were wounded,
and they killed a cop, too.

594
00:32:59,636 --> 00:33:02,181
Fucking crazy! Over cartoons!

595
00:33:02,264 --> 00:33:04,308
And when you...

596
00:33:04,391 --> 00:33:07,478
When there's radical, crazy people
in the world,

597
00:33:07,561 --> 00:33:11,148
what's interesting is the reaction
to radical, crazy people

598
00:33:11,231 --> 00:33:14,234
and how everything just sort of
kind of balances itself out

599
00:33:14,317 --> 00:33:15,944
when things get weird.

600
00:33:16,028 --> 00:33:19,865
Because when these people
got killed over a cartoon,

601
00:33:19,948 --> 00:33:22,910
the whole world was in shock.
The whole world was outraged.

602
00:33:22,993 --> 00:33:27,623
But one of the scariest things about it
was nobody wanted to print those pictures.

603
00:33:27,706 --> 00:33:31,293
You couldn't see 'em in the LA Times.
You couldn't find them in Time magazine.

604
00:33:31,376 --> 00:33:33,671
You had to go online and find them.

605
00:33:33,754 --> 00:33:36,757
It was a dark moment for free speech,
because everybody's like,

606
00:33:36,840 --> 00:33:39,843
"Oh. I don't wanna get killed.
I don't wanna show the pictures."

607
00:33:40,511 --> 00:33:44,973
It was weird, until... the balance.

608
00:33:45,057 --> 00:33:48,185
Because after they got killed
and nobody wanted to print the pictures,

609
00:33:48,268 --> 00:33:50,270
word got back to Texas...

610
00:33:51,479 --> 00:33:56,985
where they promptly held a "Draw Muhammad"
contest in Garland, Texas.

611
00:33:58,237 --> 00:34:01,323
I'm not making a word of this up.
You can Google it, and I'll wait.

612
00:34:02,240 --> 00:34:05,703
They had a "Draw Muhammad" contest
in Garland, Texas.

613
00:34:05,786 --> 00:34:09,039
Two dudes showed up,
started shooting at the building.

614
00:34:09,122 --> 00:34:11,709
They were killed almost instantly.

615
00:34:13,085 --> 00:34:14,545
Why?

616
00:34:14,628 --> 00:34:17,756
Because they were
at a "Draw Muhammad" contest in Texas.

617
00:34:17,840 --> 00:34:21,927
How obvious does a trap have to be
before you start getting suspicious?

618
00:34:25,305 --> 00:34:28,642
What, are you livin'
in a Wile E. Coyote cartoon, motherfucker?

619
00:34:29,768 --> 00:34:31,519
You ever go to Texas?

620
00:34:31,604 --> 00:34:32,980
That's not Santa Monica, bitch.

621
00:34:33,063 --> 00:34:35,440
That's a totally different kind
of white people.

622
00:34:37,025 --> 00:34:42,615
Those are some Wild West people
that have computers and modern guns.

623
00:34:42,698 --> 00:34:44,491
They're not supposed to be there.

624
00:34:45,450 --> 00:34:47,578
People didn't evolve in Texas.

625
00:34:47,661 --> 00:34:49,580
It's not like they were monkeys,
then they became people

626
00:34:49,663 --> 00:34:51,873
and they stayed in that spot. No.

627
00:34:51,957 --> 00:34:54,626
No, they landed on boats
on the East Coast.

628
00:34:54,710 --> 00:34:56,253
The stubborn ones stayed.

629
00:34:56,336 --> 00:34:58,421
The smart ones made it to California.

630
00:34:58,505 --> 00:35:00,841
But along the way,
we lost a bunch of people.

631
00:35:05,137 --> 00:35:06,764
And some of them just stuck around.

632
00:35:06,847 --> 00:35:08,431
"Y'all go ahead.
We're gonna hang back here.

633
00:35:08,515 --> 00:35:11,852
I'm gonna draw the biggest dick
the world's ever seen in the sand.

634
00:35:11,935 --> 00:35:13,395
My wife's got the biggest titties.

635
00:35:13,478 --> 00:35:16,023
I'mma try to fuck a snake.
I think it can be done."

636
00:35:17,107 --> 00:35:18,358
They just stayed.

637
00:35:18,441 --> 00:35:22,279
They just gathered cattle,
stockpiled ammo.

638
00:35:22,362 --> 00:35:25,115
And they all talk alike.
And that's why you gotta be nervous.

639
00:35:25,198 --> 00:35:27,868
You gotta be nervous
in places with accents, okay?

640
00:35:27,951 --> 00:35:32,080
It's one of the reasons why I can prove
that California is the best spot to live.

641
00:35:32,164 --> 00:35:36,293
'Cause all the spots that suck,
they all have to sound like each other.

642
00:35:36,376 --> 00:35:39,171
'Cause I grew up in a place like that.
I grew up in Boston.

643
00:35:39,254 --> 00:35:42,299
It's not that the people in Boston suck,
but the weather sucks.

644
00:35:42,382 --> 00:35:43,842
It's fucking horrible.

645
00:35:43,925 --> 00:35:46,219
And in the winter everybody gets
in their car in the morning,

646
00:35:46,303 --> 00:35:48,471
and just goes,
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

647
00:35:48,555 --> 00:35:50,974
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!"

648
00:35:51,058 --> 00:35:52,059
And everybody's worried about...

649
00:35:52,142 --> 00:35:54,812
It's a real possibility
you might starve to death one day.

650
00:35:54,895 --> 00:35:57,272
You might freeze trying to walk home.

651
00:35:57,355 --> 00:35:59,316
So they all talk in the same way.

652
00:35:59,399 --> 00:36:02,360
"Oh, my God.
How many more months till summer?

653
00:36:02,444 --> 00:36:03,696
Ahhh!

654
00:36:03,779 --> 00:36:06,406
When is this fucking winter gonna be over?

655
00:36:06,490 --> 00:36:08,825
We need more firewood."

656
00:36:09,743 --> 00:36:12,162
They have to sound
like the people around them.

657
00:36:12,245 --> 00:36:15,165
So if other people invade, like,
"We stick together.

658
00:36:15,248 --> 00:36:17,084
We're all in this together."

659
00:36:18,085 --> 00:36:19,502
That's how they are in Texas, too.

660
00:36:19,586 --> 00:36:21,463
They're like,
"Y'all ain't from around here, are ya?"

661
00:36:21,546 --> 00:36:23,506
They have a fucking certain way
of talking.

662
00:36:24,257 --> 00:36:26,468
Which is proof positive why California
is the best spot.

663
00:36:26,551 --> 00:36:28,971
Try making fun of a California accent.

664
00:36:29,054 --> 00:36:30,764
What are you gonna do?
Speak clear and concise?

665
00:36:31,932 --> 00:36:33,641
What are you gonna do?

666
00:36:34,601 --> 00:36:36,687
You gonna mock us?

667
00:36:36,770 --> 00:36:40,107
You're gonna say some shit
that everybody understands?

668
00:36:45,112 --> 00:36:47,530
They're not supposed to be
in Texas, folks.

669
00:36:47,614 --> 00:36:48,991
It's not even a state.

670
00:36:49,074 --> 00:36:50,533
It's a republic.

671
00:36:50,617 --> 00:36:53,411
They were like, "Man, we ain't so sure
about this whole United States thing.

672
00:36:53,495 --> 00:36:55,122
We're gonna hang back.

673
00:36:55,205 --> 00:36:57,374
Hang back, see how this plays out."

674
00:36:58,416 --> 00:37:01,503
They don't have any rules. They have
like three pages of rule books.

675
00:37:01,586 --> 00:37:04,047
Here's how I know this.
I'm gonna tell you a fact,

676
00:37:04,131 --> 00:37:07,550
a fact about Texas that will change
the way you think about Texas.

677
00:37:07,634 --> 00:37:12,680
There are more tigers
in captivity in Texas,

678
00:37:12,765 --> 00:37:15,225
in private collections,

679
00:37:15,308 --> 00:37:19,687
than there are in all of the wild
of the world.

680
00:37:24,151 --> 00:37:26,361
I'm gonna repeat it
because I know you're like,

681
00:37:26,444 --> 00:37:29,990
"Oh, the Fear Factor guy is just making
shit up to make his jokes work."

682
00:37:32,075 --> 00:37:37,247
No. There's more tigers
in dudes' yards in Texas

683
00:37:37,330 --> 00:37:40,250
than the rest of the fucking planet!

684
00:37:40,333 --> 00:37:42,085
How is that possible?

685
00:37:42,169 --> 00:37:43,461
Because they can.

686
00:37:43,545 --> 00:37:45,547
Because they went through the rule book...

687
00:37:45,630 --> 00:37:47,382
"It don't say shit about tigers.
Order it up, dude.

688
00:37:48,842 --> 00:37:50,928
Order it up, dude!"

689
00:37:51,011 --> 00:37:52,262
One guy got a tiger,

690
00:37:52,345 --> 00:37:55,766
and his neighbor's like,
"Shit, I didn't know we could get tigers."

691
00:37:55,849 --> 00:37:57,059
And he got two tigers.

692
00:37:57,142 --> 00:38:00,228
And the first guy was like, "I ain't about
to let this faggot out-tiger me."

693
00:38:01,521 --> 00:38:04,191
And he opened up Tiger World
with his oil money.

694
00:38:08,403 --> 00:38:11,448
We're gonna need those people, folks,
if the Russians invade.

695
00:38:12,282 --> 00:38:15,743
We can't make fucking warrior babies
with those chicks in Marin County

696
00:38:15,828 --> 00:38:18,580
with fake asses and rubber lips, okay?

697
00:38:18,663 --> 00:38:21,624
We're gonna need some real warrior genes.

698
00:38:21,708 --> 00:38:24,837
We're gonna need some women
who wear non-ironic Daisy Dukes.

699
00:38:26,004 --> 00:38:28,882
They got cowboy boots
with no socks and stinky feet.

700
00:38:28,965 --> 00:38:30,967
And they yell out,
"Chris Kyle, rest in peace,"

701
00:38:31,051 --> 00:38:32,510
when you make 'em come.

702
00:38:33,553 --> 00:38:35,055
We need those women!

703
00:38:38,892 --> 00:38:40,978
If the Russians come, we gotta be ready.

704
00:38:41,061 --> 00:38:42,479
Think about the children.

705
00:38:43,563 --> 00:38:46,066
Think about the children
while I get a sip.

706
00:38:46,149 --> 00:38:47,860
This is super important,
ladies and gentlemen.

707
00:38:47,943 --> 00:38:49,444
A lot of people are sleeping on...

708
00:38:51,196 --> 00:38:52,906
Imagine if I had real points.

709
00:38:52,990 --> 00:38:54,241
Oh, Jesus Christ.

710
00:38:57,870 --> 00:38:59,621
I love you fuckers, too, man.

711
00:39:00,956 --> 00:39:02,582
So excited to be here.

712
00:39:04,501 --> 00:39:06,253
I have kids and I lie to them.

713
00:39:08,296 --> 00:39:09,381
I get high around 'em, too.

714
00:39:09,464 --> 00:39:12,217
People say you shouldn't do that,
but they don't see it.

715
00:39:14,427 --> 00:39:16,638
They say you shouldn't be intoxicated
around your children.

716
00:39:16,721 --> 00:39:18,265
Well, I'm not. I'm high.

717
00:39:19,266 --> 00:39:21,434
I call it "elevated." It's a different thing.

718
00:39:22,435 --> 00:39:24,354
The people who have a problem with that,

719
00:39:24,437 --> 00:39:26,814
they don't understand
what getting high is.

720
00:39:26,899 --> 00:39:29,776
Like, they think you're gonna be
to your kid, like, "Who are you?"

721
00:39:31,111 --> 00:39:32,988
What do you think?

722
00:39:33,071 --> 00:39:36,033
What's the worst thing that can happen
if I'm a little high around my kid?

723
00:39:36,116 --> 00:39:37,200
They're gonna get extra hugs,

724
00:39:37,284 --> 00:39:39,327
and daddy's going to be
paranoid about objects.

725
00:39:39,411 --> 00:39:40,453
"Look out.

726
00:39:40,537 --> 00:39:41,914
Don't go there."

727
00:39:43,957 --> 00:39:46,167
That's it.
Plus, I have cool conversations.

728
00:39:47,335 --> 00:39:48,711
I have a six-year-old daughter, man.

729
00:39:48,795 --> 00:39:53,258
There's not a lot of 48-year-old man
and 6-year-old girl have in common,

730
00:39:53,341 --> 00:39:54,885
other than the fact she's my daughter.

731
00:39:54,968 --> 00:39:57,971
And so, our conversations
are normally pretty boring.

732
00:39:58,055 --> 00:40:02,017
But when I'm high, I'm like, "You know,
you call that thing your baby, your doll.

733
00:40:02,100 --> 00:40:05,062
You call it your baby,
but you know it's not a baby, right?"

734
00:40:06,354 --> 00:40:08,481
"Yeah, I know it's not a baby."

735
00:40:08,565 --> 00:40:10,483
"Do you call it a baby
because you're the youngest

736
00:40:10,567 --> 00:40:14,821
and you like having someone
who is responsible for you?"

737
00:40:14,905 --> 00:40:16,573
"Maybe."

738
00:40:16,656 --> 00:40:19,034
"Okay. That's cool. That's cool.
Give me a hug. I love you."

739
00:40:23,413 --> 00:40:26,124
It's weird, man.
It's weird raising little people.

740
00:40:27,125 --> 00:40:28,543
There's some things that I didn't expect.

741
00:40:28,626 --> 00:40:31,213
One of the things I didn't expect
is you have to lie to them.

742
00:40:32,214 --> 00:40:34,007
Like, you don't have to lie to them
about a lot of things,

743
00:40:34,091 --> 00:40:36,343
but you have to lie to them
about Santa Claus.

744
00:40:36,426 --> 00:40:39,471
It's just one of those things, man,
'cause it's like a community.

745
00:40:39,554 --> 00:40:42,307
You have to think about what your kid's
gonna tell other kids.

746
00:40:42,390 --> 00:40:44,142
Because when it comes to Santa Claus,

747
00:40:44,226 --> 00:40:45,936
you don't want your kid
to be one of two things.

748
00:40:46,019 --> 00:40:48,730
You don't want your kid
to be the first kid

749
00:40:48,813 --> 00:40:51,524
that tells everyone
that Santa Claus is bullshit,

750
00:40:51,608 --> 00:40:53,151
'cause that kid's an asshole.

751
00:40:54,111 --> 00:40:55,946
But you don't want your kid
to be the last kid

752
00:40:56,029 --> 00:40:58,865
that figures out
that Santa Claus is bullshit,

753
00:40:58,949 --> 00:41:00,242
'cause that kid's a moron.

754
00:41:00,325 --> 00:41:03,078
So you got... You got a little bit of...

755
00:41:03,161 --> 00:41:05,622
You're like, "Oh, no.

756
00:41:05,705 --> 00:41:08,333
When do we do this?
When do we do this?"

757
00:41:08,416 --> 00:41:10,918
And no one knows when to do it.
You just let the kids figure it out.

758
00:41:11,003 --> 00:41:13,505
Then they're like, "Dad, what the fuck?"
You're like, "Aw...

759
00:41:13,588 --> 00:41:15,215
Oh, I missed the boat.
I missed the boat."

760
00:41:16,216 --> 00:41:18,801
Nobody knows when to do it.
Nobody can be honest about it.

761
00:41:18,885 --> 00:41:20,262
They have little meetings and shit.

762
00:41:20,345 --> 00:41:23,431
And I'm like, "When do we tell 'em?"
This lady goes, "When they're 11."

763
00:41:23,515 --> 00:41:25,267
They're gonna be fucking by then.

764
00:41:28,270 --> 00:41:31,273
I told her it was funny.
She didn't believe me.

765
00:41:31,356 --> 00:41:33,566
I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm off by a year."

766
00:41:34,651 --> 00:41:37,112
That's not as funny, but it's...

767
00:41:37,195 --> 00:41:38,446
I didn't mean it.

768
00:41:39,447 --> 00:41:42,409
But it's this thing.
They want to keep the kids in the dark.

769
00:41:42,492 --> 00:41:45,287
And they wanna pretend they're
the only one that's teaching the kid.

770
00:41:45,370 --> 00:41:46,454
This is a weird thing that people do.

771
00:41:46,538 --> 00:41:48,873
They're like, "I teach my kids, man.
I teach my kids."

772
00:41:48,956 --> 00:41:50,750
"Eh... when you see 'em."

773
00:41:51,751 --> 00:41:54,796
But unless you're some freak who
homeschools your children in the forest,

774
00:41:54,879 --> 00:41:56,048
your kid's gonna go to school.

775
00:41:56,131 --> 00:41:58,925
They're gonna go to school, and they're
gonna be in a class with 50 other kids.

776
00:41:59,009 --> 00:42:01,844
The teacher only makes 20 bucks a year,
and she's thinking about dick.

777
00:42:01,928 --> 00:42:03,055
That's all she's thinking about.

778
00:42:03,138 --> 00:42:04,389
She's thinking about getting stuffed.

779
00:42:04,472 --> 00:42:07,100
She's a young, fertile woman
who loves kids.

780
00:42:07,184 --> 00:42:08,601
And she's writing on that chalkboard.

781
00:42:08,685 --> 00:42:11,188
And the kids all huddle up
and share information.

782
00:42:11,271 --> 00:42:13,731
Like, "Yeah, what did your dad tell you?
Your dad tell you that, yeah?

783
00:42:13,815 --> 00:42:17,110
My dad says Santa Claus
is fucking bullshit, okay?

784
00:42:17,194 --> 00:42:18,320
You ever go near a chimney?

785
00:42:18,403 --> 00:42:20,280
It's that big. What the fuck?

786
00:42:21,281 --> 00:42:22,657
Teacher's coming. Play with blocks.

787
00:42:22,740 --> 00:42:24,117
Act stupid.

788
00:42:24,201 --> 00:42:25,910
Uh, how does this work?"

789
00:42:25,994 --> 00:42:28,204
They play dumb. They play dumb!

790
00:42:29,831 --> 00:42:31,749
They're like little prisoners,
trying to figure their way out.

791
00:42:31,833 --> 00:42:34,794
They make little papier-mâché heads
and pretend they're napping.

792
00:42:38,005 --> 00:42:40,050
They're little humans.

793
00:42:40,133 --> 00:42:41,218
They wanna run shit.

794
00:42:41,301 --> 00:42:43,595
"Who is these people
telling us what to do?

795
00:42:43,678 --> 00:42:45,597
Are they being straight with us, man?

796
00:42:45,680 --> 00:42:47,432
What the fuck is going on?"

797
00:42:49,351 --> 00:42:52,312
I knew the day my daughter knew
that Santa Claus is bullshit.

798
00:42:53,271 --> 00:42:55,857
She came home, stared me down.

799
00:42:57,859 --> 00:43:00,237
She was, like, mad-dogging me.

800
00:43:00,320 --> 00:43:02,697
She took her book bag,
and just goes...

801
00:43:05,117 --> 00:43:06,659
Walked right up to the chimney,

802
00:43:06,743 --> 00:43:07,994
looking at me.

803
00:43:13,333 --> 00:43:15,210
"How the fuck?"

804
00:43:24,051 --> 00:43:26,388
"Dad, have you ever met Santa Claus?"

805
00:43:27,722 --> 00:43:29,432
"No, honey, I've never met him."

806
00:43:30,558 --> 00:43:32,310
"But you let him in the house?"

807
00:43:38,400 --> 00:43:39,401
And there's this moment...

808
00:43:39,484 --> 00:43:41,903
It was a moment where a seven-year-old
has you at checkmate.

809
00:43:41,986 --> 00:43:44,156
You're like, "Oh, shit."

810
00:43:46,574 --> 00:43:49,161
I don't know whether to high-five her
or to keep lying.

811
00:43:50,203 --> 00:43:53,039
You wanna go, "Yeah, you got me.
You got me. You got me. That's bullshit.

812
00:43:53,123 --> 00:43:55,542
No, the big bang is real,
but this is bullshit."

813
00:43:57,460 --> 00:43:59,212
The big bang sounds even less real.

814
00:43:59,296 --> 00:44:01,673
The problem is, you have to be consistent.

815
00:44:01,756 --> 00:44:05,593
If you're teaching your kids nonsense,
you gotta teach 'em only nonsense.

816
00:44:06,219 --> 00:44:08,930
You can't mix nonsense
in with, like, real stuff.

817
00:44:09,013 --> 00:44:11,183
Like, my daughter will go like,
"How do birds fly?"

818
00:44:11,266 --> 00:44:14,602
I go, "Birds have bones that are hollow,
so they're really light.

819
00:44:14,686 --> 00:44:17,189
Then they have feathers,
which cover a large surface area.

820
00:44:17,272 --> 00:44:19,232
And they use the hollow bones
and the feathers

821
00:44:19,316 --> 00:44:21,193
to push down on the air.

822
00:44:21,276 --> 00:44:22,944
See, the air looks
like it's nothing, right?

823
00:44:23,027 --> 00:44:24,529
But it's actually a bunch of gases.

824
00:44:24,612 --> 00:44:27,073
That's why the trees move
when the wind blows.

825
00:44:27,157 --> 00:44:29,784
The birds can manipulate that
and go through 3-D space."

826
00:44:30,785 --> 00:44:32,204
"Whoa!"

827
00:44:32,287 --> 00:44:34,038
"Yeah, nature is crazy."

828
00:44:34,121 --> 00:44:35,207
"Yeah.

829
00:44:35,290 --> 00:44:37,041
How does the fat man
get through the little hole?"

830
00:44:37,124 --> 00:44:38,585
"Magic!

831
00:44:38,668 --> 00:44:40,712
Christmas magic!

832
00:44:40,795 --> 00:44:42,422
Now go to bed.
I'm trying to fuck your mom!

833
00:44:42,505 --> 00:44:43,673
Go to bed!"

834
00:44:47,635 --> 00:44:50,054
Jokes, folks. Just jokes.

835
00:44:50,137 --> 00:44:52,307
Can't talk like that.
That's how you make strippers.

836
00:44:53,475 --> 00:44:55,059
You gotta be nice.
They're little, tiny people.

837
00:44:55,142 --> 00:44:56,603
They're adorable.
They don't know anything yet.

838
00:44:56,686 --> 00:44:58,062
You gotta teach 'em everything.

839
00:45:00,315 --> 00:45:02,900
You can't talk mean.

840
00:45:02,984 --> 00:45:05,570
Kids are a lot like
really fucking stupid people...

841
00:45:06,571 --> 00:45:09,741
in that if you get
ten really stupid people in a room,

842
00:45:09,824 --> 00:45:12,910
the most confident one
just starts running shit.

843
00:45:12,994 --> 00:45:14,996
They don't have to have
any more information,

844
00:45:15,079 --> 00:45:16,414
they just have to be more confident.

845
00:45:16,498 --> 00:45:17,665
If you get a bunch of dummies together,

846
00:45:17,749 --> 00:45:19,334
they're like,
"I don't know what's going on."

847
00:45:19,417 --> 00:45:20,752
"I don't know what's going on."

848
00:45:20,835 --> 00:45:23,838
"I fucking do. I fucking do."

849
00:45:25,214 --> 00:45:27,425
The guy doesn't have to have
any extra data,

850
00:45:27,509 --> 00:45:29,927
he just has to be
the only one that's confident.

851
00:45:30,011 --> 00:45:32,972
And that's what it's like in school.

852
00:45:33,056 --> 00:45:35,725
My daughter's class
has this fucking kid named Debbie.

853
00:45:36,518 --> 00:45:38,353
And every day it's, "Debbie says..."

854
00:45:38,436 --> 00:45:40,272
Oh, fucking Debbie says.

855
00:45:41,648 --> 00:45:43,441
Debbie says what?

856
00:45:43,525 --> 00:45:45,443
You don't think about that
before you have kids.

857
00:45:45,527 --> 00:45:47,654
Not only are you gonna have kids,

858
00:45:47,737 --> 00:45:49,071
but your kids are gonna make friends,

859
00:45:49,155 --> 00:45:52,367
and then you have to make friends
with the fucking parents of your kids.

860
00:45:52,450 --> 00:45:55,077
And some of 'em are crazy.

861
00:45:56,871 --> 00:45:58,498
My daughter's like, "Debbie says

862
00:45:58,581 --> 00:46:00,875
Adam and Eve
are the only two people in the world,

863
00:46:00,958 --> 00:46:03,210
and all people came from them.
Is that true?"

864
00:46:08,425 --> 00:46:10,302
And this is weird.
Like, you don't know what to do, right?

865
00:46:10,385 --> 00:46:11,428
You want to be diplomatic.

866
00:46:11,511 --> 00:46:13,471
You don't want
to cause problems at school.

867
00:46:13,555 --> 00:46:14,597
But you gotta be honest.

868
00:46:14,681 --> 00:46:18,017
And one of the most difficult things
to say to a kid is, "I don't know."

869
00:46:18,851 --> 00:46:20,227
I'm like, "Sweetie, I don't know.

870
00:46:20,312 --> 00:46:22,314
I don't know if Adam and Eve
is where people came from.

871
00:46:22,397 --> 00:46:23,940
But nobody knows,

872
00:46:24,023 --> 00:46:28,236
because no one from today
is alive back then.

873
00:46:28,320 --> 00:46:30,405
So it's not something you can measure.

874
00:46:30,488 --> 00:46:33,240
So it's not something you can see.
So we don't know.

875
00:46:33,325 --> 00:46:34,992
But here's what we do know.

876
00:46:35,076 --> 00:46:39,038
You know how some people have big ears
and some people have little ears?"

877
00:46:40,039 --> 00:46:41,040
"Yeah."

878
00:46:41,123 --> 00:46:45,211
"Well, some people have brains
that are made out of dog shit.

879
00:46:46,588 --> 00:46:48,965
And they get horny, too.

880
00:46:49,048 --> 00:46:50,091
And what happens is,

881
00:46:50,174 --> 00:46:52,635
they have to find someone
even dumber than them to have sex with.

882
00:46:52,719 --> 00:46:54,971
It's like the opposite of evolution.

883
00:46:55,054 --> 00:46:57,098
And then they have a kid,
and their kid is fucked.

884
00:46:57,181 --> 00:46:58,350
Their kid is fucked!

885
00:46:58,433 --> 00:47:00,352
And everybody wants to pretend
it's a level playing field.

886
00:47:00,435 --> 00:47:02,019
There's no level, anywhere you look.

887
00:47:02,103 --> 00:47:05,648
Is an eagle and a salmon level?
Does the salmon ever get to eat the eagle?

888
00:47:05,732 --> 00:47:08,526
No. The universe does not want even!

889
00:47:08,609 --> 00:47:12,322
It wants conflict and resolution
and constant improvement. Okay?

890
00:47:12,405 --> 00:47:13,490
I'm gonna shut this light out,

891
00:47:13,573 --> 00:47:16,242
and I'm gonna go fuck your mom
right in the mouth. All right?"

892
00:47:16,325 --> 00:47:17,744
I don't say these things.

893
00:47:17,827 --> 00:47:20,204
I don't say any of these things!

894
00:47:24,083 --> 00:47:26,669
I was like, "I don't know.
Maybe Debbie's right.

895
00:47:26,753 --> 00:47:28,546
Doesn't make sense to me.

896
00:47:28,630 --> 00:47:30,382
How would that work?"

897
00:47:30,465 --> 00:47:31,466
"How would that work?"

898
00:47:31,549 --> 00:47:33,426
"It wouldn't work, would it?"

899
00:47:33,510 --> 00:47:35,762
Adam and Eve are the only two people.
They have kids.

900
00:47:35,845 --> 00:47:38,180
And then,
where do all the other people come from?

901
00:47:38,264 --> 00:47:41,267
I guess the kids just start fucking
each other. Is that what happens?

902
00:47:41,350 --> 00:47:43,395
Mom fucks the kids, or the...

903
00:47:44,604 --> 00:47:45,855
Yeah, exactly.

904
00:47:47,940 --> 00:47:50,276
Debbie's parents.
They were at my house, man, for a cookout,

905
00:47:50,359 --> 00:47:52,737
and the dude told me
the Earth's 10,000 years old.

906
00:47:53,946 --> 00:47:57,199
They're Young Earth Christians.
They're sweet people, by the way.

907
00:47:57,283 --> 00:47:59,369
Before I shit on them...
I'm gonna shit on them,

908
00:47:59,452 --> 00:48:03,289
but before I shit on them, they're sweet.
They're really nice people.

909
00:48:03,372 --> 00:48:06,626
I hug 'em every time I see 'em.
They're really kind, nice people.

910
00:48:06,709 --> 00:48:10,588
But they just found a part of their brain,
they're like, "I have no use for this."

911
00:48:13,049 --> 00:48:16,260
Chucked that whole logic,
discerning-reason part.

912
00:48:16,343 --> 00:48:18,513
"This fucking thing's confusing."

913
00:48:20,807 --> 00:48:22,308
They're Young Earth Christians,

914
00:48:22,392 --> 00:48:26,854
which means they follow the strictest
interpretation of the Bible possible.

915
00:48:27,605 --> 00:48:31,192
I'm like, "How many people believe
the Earth is less than 10,000 years old?"

916
00:48:31,275 --> 00:48:33,235
Uh! I looked it up.

917
00:48:33,319 --> 00:48:34,987
There's a recent Gallup poll that said

918
00:48:35,071 --> 00:48:41,035
that 46% of America believes
the Earth is less than 10,000 years old.

919
00:48:43,037 --> 00:48:44,664
Here's why you shouldn't be scared.

920
00:48:44,747 --> 00:48:47,584
They can only measure people
dumb enough to answer polls.

921
00:48:50,002 --> 00:48:51,253
And when you factor that in,

922
00:48:51,337 --> 00:48:53,840
you're talking
about a really small number.

923
00:48:53,923 --> 00:48:55,925
'Cause you know
what the average response is

924
00:48:56,008 --> 00:48:58,177
if you call people up and say,
"How old's the Earth?"

925
00:48:58,260 --> 00:49:01,222
Number one answer is,
"Older than your mother's pussy."

926
00:49:02,474 --> 00:49:03,808
And then they hang up.

927
00:49:05,768 --> 00:49:07,353
Number two answer is, "Fuck you!"

928
00:49:07,436 --> 00:49:10,565
After that,
you start throwing numbers around.

929
00:49:10,648 --> 00:49:12,859
And only 46% of those dummies

930
00:49:12,942 --> 00:49:15,653
were stupid enough to think
the Earth is 10,000 years old.

931
00:49:15,737 --> 00:49:17,739
That's Debbie's fucking parents.

932
00:49:17,822 --> 00:49:20,324
So out of the people that answer polls...
Is it even 1%?

933
00:49:20,407 --> 00:49:21,618
It might be 1%.

934
00:49:21,701 --> 00:49:23,911
Only 46% are that fucking stupid.

935
00:49:24,996 --> 00:49:27,707
And that's the 1%
we should really be worried about.

936
00:49:27,790 --> 00:49:29,917
We're worried about the wrong 1%.

937
00:49:30,001 --> 00:49:32,419
Not that we shouldn't be worried
about the really rich, greedy people.

938
00:49:32,504 --> 00:49:35,798
We definitely should. We should definitely
worry about bankers and people who...

939
00:49:35,882 --> 00:49:37,884
They're just stockpiling resources.

940
00:49:37,967 --> 00:49:42,722
They could help the world in some
really impossible ways for anybody else.

941
00:49:42,805 --> 00:49:46,225
But they don't. They'd rather
just pile up their gold.

942
00:49:46,308 --> 00:49:48,227
Yeah, that 1% is awful.

943
00:49:48,310 --> 00:49:51,814
But there's another 1% that freaks me
the fuck out that no one's talking about.

944
00:49:51,898 --> 00:49:54,942
That's the 1% who leave comments
on YouTube videos.

945
00:49:56,653 --> 00:49:59,739
Who the fuck are those freaks?

946
00:49:59,822 --> 00:50:03,492
Could you imagine people talking
to each other like that in real life

947
00:50:03,576 --> 00:50:05,495
and not beating the shit out
of each other?

948
00:50:06,453 --> 00:50:09,874
I mean, if Jesus Christ himself came back
from the dead and had a YouTube page,

949
00:50:09,957 --> 00:50:11,208
the first comment would be,

950
00:50:11,292 --> 00:50:13,210
"You ain't shit without your dad, pussy."

951
00:50:15,379 --> 00:50:17,173
These are monsters.

952
00:50:17,256 --> 00:50:19,801
This is not a normal person's response.

953
00:50:19,884 --> 00:50:21,886
Normal people don't leave comments.

954
00:50:23,012 --> 00:50:24,806
What a normal person does,
they watch a video.

955
00:50:24,889 --> 00:50:26,182
They like it or they don't like it.

956
00:50:26,265 --> 00:50:28,100
That's it. It ends right there.

957
00:50:28,184 --> 00:50:31,270
But what you're dealing with
is the process of racism,

958
00:50:31,353 --> 00:50:34,398
and child abuse,
and neglect and shitty genes.

959
00:50:34,481 --> 00:50:36,693
And the Insane Clown Posse is playing.

960
00:50:36,776 --> 00:50:39,779
They know all the words,
and they're wafting up their farts,

961
00:50:39,862 --> 00:50:41,573
and their Cheez Doodle fingers.

962
00:50:41,656 --> 00:50:43,950
And like,
"An open letter to Jennifer Lopez...

963
00:50:44,033 --> 00:50:47,620
Let me pause and just jerk off
in my shirt real quick, here.

964
00:50:47,704 --> 00:50:49,080
Ugh...

965
00:50:49,163 --> 00:50:50,164
Dear, Jennifer,

966
00:50:50,247 --> 00:50:53,417
don't you think it's about time
you dress a little more classy?

967
00:50:53,500 --> 00:50:55,002
What are your children gonna see
when they see..."

968
00:50:55,086 --> 00:50:58,881
Just fucking think of the meanest,
most biting shit that's gonna cut it.

969
00:50:58,965 --> 00:51:01,634
As if Jennifer Lopez has time

970
00:51:01,718 --> 00:51:05,262
in between eating diamonds
and fucking all her background dancers

971
00:51:05,346 --> 00:51:07,473
in a castle that she built with her ass.

972
00:51:08,891 --> 00:51:10,643
But you know, "Let me check
the YouTube comments

973
00:51:10,727 --> 00:51:13,354
to see if my self-esteem's on point. Oh!"

974
00:51:15,481 --> 00:51:17,024
And you know who's dumber than them?

975
00:51:17,942 --> 00:51:20,236
Me. 'Cause I read their shit
and I get mad.

976
00:51:21,403 --> 00:51:23,990
I know they're stupid.
I still get upset. Fuck!

977
00:51:27,702 --> 00:51:30,162
This is the world, folks.
This is the world we're living in.

978
00:51:31,122 --> 00:51:33,207
Are we happy? I'm not sure.

979
00:51:33,291 --> 00:51:35,251
- Is this what we wanted? I don't know.
- No!

980
00:51:35,334 --> 00:51:36,586
- No.
- No!

981
00:51:36,669 --> 00:51:38,588
- Are you sure?
- No!

982
00:51:38,671 --> 00:51:41,048
Why are you doing this? What is this?

983
00:51:41,132 --> 00:51:42,675
What are you doing?
Are you fighting for freedom?

984
00:51:42,759 --> 00:51:44,010
- What's happening?
- No!

985
00:51:44,093 --> 00:51:46,721
Are you White Panthers?
What is this?

986
00:51:46,804 --> 00:51:47,847
Life sucks!

987
00:51:47,930 --> 00:51:50,016
- What are you saying?
- Life can kind of suck sometimes.

988
00:51:50,099 --> 00:51:51,517
Life can kind of suck?

989
00:51:51,600 --> 00:51:53,936
Maybe it's how you're livin' it, bitch.

990
00:51:55,772 --> 00:51:57,314
"Life can kind of suck."

991
00:51:58,650 --> 00:52:00,192
It's the greatest time ever to be alive.

992
00:52:00,276 --> 00:52:02,904
"Yeah, I'd live in the old days
when you could die from crabs."

993
00:52:03,863 --> 00:52:06,073
It doesn't get any better than today, man.

994
00:52:07,283 --> 00:52:08,284
So stupid.

995
00:52:08,367 --> 00:52:09,535
"Make America great again."

996
00:52:09,618 --> 00:52:11,996
It's as good as it's ever been.
What the fuck are you saying?

997
00:52:12,079 --> 00:52:13,748
We have 4G everywhere.

998
00:52:15,917 --> 00:52:17,919
When has it been better?
We have Netflix.

999
00:52:18,002 --> 00:52:19,921
When has it been better?

1000
00:52:20,004 --> 00:52:21,922
Come on, man. Stop.
It's never been better.

1001
00:52:22,006 --> 00:52:25,677
This is as good as it's ever been.
It's just weird. It's just weird.

1002
00:52:25,760 --> 00:52:28,012
You gotta get your shit together, bitch.
Don't blame the world.

1003
00:52:28,095 --> 00:52:30,264
God damn it. Damn it, man.

1004
00:52:33,059 --> 00:52:34,686
And listen,
if you've seen any of this show,

1005
00:52:34,769 --> 00:52:37,980
and you said, "I think some of the stuff
you're saying is really funny,

1006
00:52:38,064 --> 00:52:41,359
but I sense a lot of, like,
macho posturing from you.

1007
00:52:41,442 --> 00:52:44,278
I sense a lot of, like, bullshit,
tough-guy stuff."

1008
00:52:44,361 --> 00:52:46,030
You're totally correct.

1009
00:52:46,113 --> 00:52:50,910
And what it is
is I live with all women, okay?

1010
00:52:50,993 --> 00:52:54,371
And I'm becoming more of a bitch
every day of my life.

1011
00:52:54,455 --> 00:52:57,374
And I just wanna say I'm not unhappy.

1012
00:52:57,458 --> 00:52:59,752
I've never been more happy in my life.

1013
00:52:59,836 --> 00:53:02,254
This is the happiest I've ever been.

1014
00:53:02,338 --> 00:53:06,217
But when you're with all girls,
like, you have all girls all the time,

1015
00:53:06,300 --> 00:53:08,177
you have to make little compromises.

1016
00:53:08,260 --> 00:53:09,678
You don't think about it
while it's happening.

1017
00:53:09,762 --> 00:53:13,057
It's like the rock doesn't think
about the water carving a path through it,

1018
00:53:13,140 --> 00:53:15,893
but eventually,
that fucking path is gonna get deep.

1019
00:53:15,977 --> 00:53:18,562
And when you're with all people
that are different than you,

1020
00:53:18,645 --> 00:53:20,481
they just go, "Hmm..."

1021
00:53:20,564 --> 00:53:24,068
They just start looking at you
like little raptors testing the fence.

1022
00:53:25,277 --> 00:53:26,946
They'll just start poking at you.

1023
00:53:27,029 --> 00:53:29,532
It's what people do. It's natural.

1024
00:53:29,615 --> 00:53:31,743
It's just what people do.

1025
00:53:31,826 --> 00:53:34,746
If you live with people that all are
on AT&T and you're on Verizon,

1026
00:53:34,829 --> 00:53:36,705
they're like, "Dude, look at my bars.

1027
00:53:36,789 --> 00:53:40,167
Make the switch. Come on over.

1028
00:53:40,251 --> 00:53:44,088
What are you, a fucking Democrat, dude?
Libertarian is where it's at.

1029
00:53:44,171 --> 00:53:45,547
Wake up!

1030
00:53:45,631 --> 00:53:46,966
Join us!"

1031
00:53:48,342 --> 00:53:49,927
When you're with all girls,
they just start...

1032
00:53:50,011 --> 00:53:52,263
They constantly fuck with my manhood.

1033
00:53:52,346 --> 00:53:55,266
It's like, I'll come home
and some new thing is painted pink.

1034
00:53:55,349 --> 00:53:56,642
I'm like, "Why is this pink?"

1035
00:53:56,725 --> 00:53:58,770
"It looks better pink, Daddy."

1036
00:53:58,853 --> 00:54:01,063
"It looks better pink, Daddy."

1037
00:54:01,147 --> 00:54:02,440
And my wife's like,
"I think they're right."

1038
00:54:02,523 --> 00:54:04,108
I'm like, "Oh...

1039
00:54:04,191 --> 00:54:07,820
I see what the fuck is going on here.
It's mutiny!"

1040
00:54:07,904 --> 00:54:10,322
They just chip, chip, chip away.

1041
00:54:10,406 --> 00:54:13,576
It's like if my manhood
was a mountain of marbles.

1042
00:54:13,659 --> 00:54:15,661
Every day they steal two.

1043
00:54:16,829 --> 00:54:18,539
They just walk up to my stack...

1044
00:54:24,336 --> 00:54:25,712
You can't say shit.

1045
00:54:25,797 --> 00:54:27,714
You can't say shit,
'cause it's only two marbles,

1046
00:54:27,799 --> 00:54:29,425
and you're like,
"I still got all these marbles.

1047
00:54:29,508 --> 00:54:32,094
Everything is gonna be okay.
I'll deal with this eventually."

1048
00:54:32,178 --> 00:54:33,262
But you're not gonna deal with it.

1049
00:54:33,345 --> 00:54:36,473
Every day, two more marbles.
You never get those marbles back.

1050
00:54:36,557 --> 00:54:38,517
You see it comin'.
You don't do anything about it.

1051
00:54:38,600 --> 00:54:40,937
You're like, "I gotta go to sleep.
All right, everybody stop crying.

1052
00:54:41,020 --> 00:54:42,313
I gotta go to sleep."

1053
00:54:44,440 --> 00:54:45,817
And men don't want to admit that.

1054
00:54:45,900 --> 00:54:48,194
"Not me, bro. Not me, bro.

1055
00:54:48,277 --> 00:54:49,946
I'd rather just live
in the woods by myself."

1056
00:54:50,029 --> 00:54:52,531
What are you,
a fucking Coldplay song? Huh?

1057
00:54:52,615 --> 00:54:54,909
What are you, a character in a book,
you piece of shit?

1058
00:54:55,576 --> 00:54:57,244
No one's honest.

1059
00:54:57,328 --> 00:55:00,081
No one's honest
about how much we need other people.

1060
00:55:00,164 --> 00:55:02,499
That's why the characters
that we adore so much in the movies

1061
00:55:02,583 --> 00:55:04,126
are the people that don't need people.

1062
00:55:04,210 --> 00:55:07,796
The people who just walk away from it all,
like, "Wow, what a rebel!"

1063
00:55:07,880 --> 00:55:10,842
But in real life, we need people so bad

1064
00:55:10,925 --> 00:55:13,052
that the worst shit
you can do to a prisoner

1065
00:55:13,135 --> 00:55:15,221
is put them in solitary confinement.

1066
00:55:15,304 --> 00:55:16,472
So think about that.

1067
00:55:16,555 --> 00:55:20,351
You're in a cement box filled
with rapists and murderers.

1068
00:55:20,434 --> 00:55:23,104
And the worst shit they can do
is leave you alone.

1069
00:55:24,396 --> 00:55:25,606
We're fucking weird.

1070
00:55:26,690 --> 00:55:27,691
We are weird,

1071
00:55:27,774 --> 00:55:31,487
'cause what we are really
is we're some weird superorganism

1072
00:55:31,570 --> 00:55:34,490
that, like, needs each other
in some sort of strange way.

1073
00:55:34,573 --> 00:55:36,658
But we're all in denial.
"I'm kind of a loner."

1074
00:55:36,742 --> 00:55:38,160
Oh, shut the fuck up.

1075
00:55:38,244 --> 00:55:40,871
There's no such thing. It's not real.

1076
00:55:40,955 --> 00:55:43,332
Every person in this room,
me included, all of us,

1077
00:55:43,415 --> 00:55:45,209
we are all a calculation.

1078
00:55:45,292 --> 00:55:48,795
We're all an ongoing,
on-running calculation

1079
00:55:48,880 --> 00:55:53,300
of all the interactions you've ever had
with all the people that you've ever met.

1080
00:55:53,384 --> 00:55:55,219
And you do a bunch of things
that people like,

1081
00:55:55,302 --> 00:55:56,470
and start doing more of that.

1082
00:55:56,553 --> 00:55:57,972
You're like, "I'll do more of that."

1083
00:55:59,723 --> 00:56:01,100
You find things that people don't like,

1084
00:56:01,183 --> 00:56:03,685
you're like,
"I'll keep that shit to myself, hmm.

1085
00:56:04,896 --> 00:56:06,438
I don't like that feeling. Hmm."

1086
00:56:07,606 --> 00:56:11,235
That's what we do.
That's what we do.

1087
00:56:11,318 --> 00:56:13,487
It's weird. We don't want to admit it.

1088
00:56:13,570 --> 00:56:15,239
But that's who we all are.

1089
00:56:15,322 --> 00:56:18,910
And I'm just telling you this
because I've never been more of a bitch.

1090
00:56:19,911 --> 00:56:24,040
Right now, I have slowly but surely bent
until I'm in this position.

1091
00:56:24,123 --> 00:56:27,084
This is how I'm riding out my days,
just like this.

1092
00:56:27,168 --> 00:56:30,379
"Okay, okay, okay, okay."

1093
00:56:30,462 --> 00:56:34,466
But I'm also telling you right now
that I'm not going out like Bruce Jenner.

1094
00:56:35,842 --> 00:56:38,262
Oh!

1095
00:56:38,345 --> 00:56:41,515
That's right,
politically correct San Francisco.

1096
00:56:42,683 --> 00:56:44,643
Here's my take on this Bruce Jenner thing.

1097
00:56:44,726 --> 00:56:46,770
And, you know, everybody
has their own... Not really.

1098
00:56:46,853 --> 00:56:48,272
This is what everybody's take is.

1099
00:56:48,355 --> 00:56:49,941
This is the take
that you're supposed to have.

1100
00:56:50,024 --> 00:56:52,610
"He's always been a woman trapped
in a man's body."

1101
00:56:52,693 --> 00:56:54,612
Maybe. Definitely maybe.

1102
00:56:54,695 --> 00:56:55,904
Definitely people are like that.

1103
00:56:55,988 --> 00:56:59,075
Definitely, there are people
who were born in the wrong gender.

1104
00:56:59,158 --> 00:57:01,077
And am I saying
they should stay their gender?

1105
00:57:01,160 --> 00:57:02,536
No. Who gives a fuck?

1106
00:57:02,619 --> 00:57:03,996
You should do whatever you wanna do.

1107
00:57:04,080 --> 00:57:05,831
You should be happy.
You should be free.

1108
00:57:05,914 --> 00:57:07,249
I don't care what you do.

1109
00:57:08,584 --> 00:57:09,710
But...

1110
00:57:10,877 --> 00:57:13,589
it's also possible that, maybe,

1111
00:57:13,672 --> 00:57:15,632
if you live with crazy bitches
long enough,

1112
00:57:15,716 --> 00:57:17,301
you become one.

1113
00:57:17,384 --> 00:57:18,594
That's all I'm saying.

1114
00:57:18,677 --> 00:57:21,597
I don't see this discussed.

1115
00:57:23,057 --> 00:57:25,767
It is entirely possible.

1116
00:57:26,978 --> 00:57:30,481
If you put a praying mantis on a leaf,
it becomes the color of the leaf.

1117
00:57:31,398 --> 00:57:32,483
Why?

1118
00:57:32,566 --> 00:57:34,068
Because it wants to live.

1119
00:57:35,945 --> 00:57:37,279
It wants to survive.

1120
00:57:37,363 --> 00:57:39,865
It wants to be accepted
by its environment.

1121
00:57:39,949 --> 00:57:43,035
You show me a man who's lived
with the Kardashians for ten years

1122
00:57:43,119 --> 00:57:44,328
who didn't come out a chick,

1123
00:57:44,411 --> 00:57:46,872
and then we'll have some data, okay?

1124
00:57:46,956 --> 00:57:49,416
'Cause right now,
we lost a fucking American Olympian,

1125
00:57:49,500 --> 00:57:51,252
and I want you to have some respect!

1126
00:57:53,629 --> 00:57:58,759
We're down Bruce Jenner.
And I've got a close eye on Kanye West,

1127
00:57:58,842 --> 00:58:01,303
and I don't exactly like what I'm seeing.

1128
00:58:08,102 --> 00:58:09,478
Look at Kanye West.

1129
00:58:09,561 --> 00:58:12,564
He's a very talented,
young, heterosexual man

1130
00:58:12,648 --> 00:58:14,691
who starts a clothing line...

1131
00:58:15,692 --> 00:58:17,736
he's clearly jealous about Taylor Swift,

1132
00:58:17,819 --> 00:58:20,614
and he tweets like a coked-up stripper
in the middle of the night.

1133
00:58:20,697 --> 00:58:23,200
You don't see what I'm seeing?

1134
00:58:23,284 --> 00:58:27,454
We are watching the plot
of a fucking Stephen King book play out!

1135
00:58:28,706 --> 00:58:32,668
An American athletic hero moves in
with a woman

1136
00:58:32,751 --> 00:58:34,711
who's made hundreds of millions of dollars

1137
00:58:34,795 --> 00:58:37,756
through no way
anyone can explain to anyone.

1138
00:58:39,008 --> 00:58:41,760
He breaks up with her.
She turns him into a chick.

1139
00:58:41,843 --> 00:58:44,055
The whole world tells him he's beautiful.

1140
00:58:44,138 --> 00:58:47,308
You tell me you don't see what I'm seeing?

1141
00:58:52,813 --> 00:58:55,274
You have to say...
You have to say she's beautiful.

1142
00:58:55,357 --> 00:58:56,400
"She's beautiful."

1143
00:58:56,483 --> 00:58:58,235
She's not beautiful, and neither am I.

1144
00:58:58,318 --> 00:59:00,362
Look, I look like a thumb
with two thumbs.

1145
00:59:00,446 --> 00:59:01,572
Okay?

1146
00:59:01,655 --> 00:59:04,325
You put me in a dress,
I'd be even more disgusting.

1147
00:59:05,326 --> 00:59:06,827
"Beauty's unusual."

1148
00:59:08,162 --> 00:59:10,456
There's a lot of cool shit
that isn't beautiful.

1149
00:59:10,539 --> 00:59:13,625
Sixty-year-old dudes in skirts are
on that list.

1150
00:59:14,585 --> 00:59:17,088
Jesus fucking Christ!

1151
00:59:17,171 --> 00:59:18,839
What kind of games are we playing here?

1152
00:59:18,922 --> 00:59:21,342
Why are you lying to children?
That's beautiful.

1153
00:59:21,425 --> 00:59:24,761
What are my kids gonna think
when they see a mountain or a rose?

1154
00:59:25,804 --> 00:59:27,973
"Is that beautiful too, Daddy? Explain."

1155
00:59:28,057 --> 00:59:29,308
Ahhh! Bang!

1156
00:59:29,391 --> 00:59:31,143
I can't!

1157
00:59:31,227 --> 00:59:33,645
The world's gone fucking bananas!

1158
00:59:35,064 --> 00:59:37,441
"What you're saying
is horribly transphobic

1159
00:59:37,524 --> 00:59:39,193
and incredibly regressive.

1160
00:59:39,276 --> 00:59:41,320
You should be embarrassed
at what you're doing.

1161
00:59:41,403 --> 00:59:45,116
You're doing this just to get laughs
at someone else's expense."

1162
00:59:47,201 --> 00:59:48,244
Maybe!

1163
00:59:50,121 --> 00:59:54,208
Or maybe Bruce Jenner lived with demons.

1164
00:59:57,628 --> 00:59:59,588
Maybe they waited by the bed...

1165
01:00:00,506 --> 01:00:03,425
until they knew he was
in heavy REM sleep...

1166
01:00:04,926 --> 01:00:06,970
so they could assume their true form.

1167
01:00:10,391 --> 01:00:15,104
Climb up and kick off their designer shoes
to reveal black raven's claws.

1168
01:00:16,272 --> 01:00:18,357
Clutched the edge of the bed and just...

1169
01:00:18,440 --> 01:00:20,901
whispered in his ear.

1170
01:00:20,984 --> 01:00:23,320
"Bruce...

1171
01:00:30,577 --> 01:00:34,039
we would like you better

1172
01:00:34,123 --> 01:00:37,126
if you were one of us."

1173
01:00:41,797 --> 01:00:44,466
"I can't.

1174
01:00:44,550 --> 01:00:47,803
I can't be one of you.
I was... I was born a man."

1175
01:00:47,886 --> 01:00:49,680
"Nonsense!

1176
01:00:53,975 --> 01:00:56,478
Nonsense.

1177
01:00:57,813 --> 01:01:00,524
Bruce...

1178
01:01:01,483 --> 01:01:04,945
you no longer can be held prisoner

1179
01:01:05,028 --> 01:01:07,198
by the gender of your birth.

1180
01:01:08,157 --> 01:01:09,783
You're free.

1181
01:01:11,827 --> 01:01:14,788
Bruce...

1182
01:01:18,834 --> 01:01:22,879
your lips are too thin...

1183
01:01:26,132 --> 01:01:28,302
for the cover of Vanity Fair."

1184
01:01:28,385 --> 01:01:32,181
"Huh? What? Wait. Wait.

1185
01:01:33,224 --> 01:01:34,683
Did you say the cover?

1186
01:01:36,352 --> 01:01:38,187
Okay. Are you fucking with me?

1187
01:01:38,270 --> 01:01:39,980
Because...

1188
01:01:40,063 --> 01:01:41,440
you know the cover's
always been my dream."

1189
01:01:41,523 --> 01:01:43,609
"It can be real!

1190
01:01:45,402 --> 01:01:49,365
It can be real.

1191
01:01:50,991 --> 01:01:53,452
All dreams...

1192
01:01:53,535 --> 01:01:56,705
can be real through surgery.

1193
01:02:00,959 --> 01:02:04,380
Sleep."

1194
01:02:13,514 --> 01:02:15,098
Thank you very much, San Francisco!

1195
01:02:15,181 --> 01:02:17,351
I had a great fucking time
with you savages!

1196
01:02:18,185 --> 01:02:21,480
Let's take a selfie. Shit. We got it.

1197
01:02:23,649 --> 01:02:26,568
Putting together one
of these fucking specials

1198
01:02:26,652 --> 01:02:29,029
is stressful as shit.

1199
01:02:29,112 --> 01:02:32,491
I appreciate the fuck out
of all you people being here tonight.

1200
01:02:32,574 --> 01:02:35,369
And I love you guys.
Thank you very much!