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Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

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[Woman vocalizing]

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[Music continues]

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- Would you welcome
Miss Joan Rivers.

5
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You know, you're going to be
a big star.

6
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- Now here is my daffy
little friend, Joan Rivers.

7
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- Aah!

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- Joan Rivers,

9
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the groundbreaking
female comedian,

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paves the way
for women everywhere.

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- You know how I know
who's gay and who's not gay?

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Can we talk here?

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[Laughter]

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- And the Emmy goes to...

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- Joan Rivers.

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[Audience cheers]

17
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- Here's Joan Rivers!

18
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- Yes, but I'm very, very late.

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<i>[Rock music]</i>

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[Music continues]

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- I hope you've had
a few drinks,

22
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'cause you're gonna need 'em.

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Will you welcome, please,
Miss Joan Rivers!

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[Cheers and applause]

25
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- This is my career.

26
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I mean,
how depressing is this?

27
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40 years
in the fucking business,

28
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and this is where you end up.

29
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Just to show you...

30
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My daughter and I are
very close, very, very close,

31
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very close.

32
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But I brought her up
all wrong.

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I brought her up
to have morals.

34
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<i>She turned down
doing Playboy magazine cover.</i>

35
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How about that?

36
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$400,000 naked to the waist.

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Turned it fucking down
and calls me up for approval.

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For approval!

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<i>"Mother,
I've turned down Playboy.</i>

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What do you think?"

41
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And you know-
What do I think?

42
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"Oh, I'm very proud of you,
Melissa.

43
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"What do I think?

44
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"What do I think,
you stupid fucking cunt?

45
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"What do I think?

46
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"I think you should ask
for $200,000 more

47
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"and show your pussy.

48
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That's what I think."

49
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[Laughter and applause]

50
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I'm a 75-year-old woman up here
playing to drunks in Queens.

51
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What do I think?

52
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I'm on the fucking red carpet
in the hot sun,

53
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talking to these assholes.

54
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"Where you from?

55
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"Got your lucky charm?

56
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Who the fuck are you?"

57
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[Cheers and applause]

58
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[Music continues]

59
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- Not good.

60
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I mean, this is not good.

61
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We have no Vegas,
no giant club dates.

62
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Kathy Griffin has taken
all of those away.

63
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Uh, I have the play,

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which is not going
to bring me any money.

65
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Can't we get club dates?

66
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Can't Billy get club dates?

67
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This is not a full book.

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- Like a little date
here and there?

69
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- Yeah
- Sure.

70
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- These were the good years.

71
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- These were
the good years.

72
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- See, this is the kind
of a book I like.

73
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Now, that's a good page,
you know what I mean.

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These are good pages.

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10:00, 11:00, 12:30.

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This and that.

77
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That's happiness.

78
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Last year was
a very difficult year.

79
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I was playing-here we go-

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[laughs]

81
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The Bronx at 4:30
in the afternoon.

82
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That was a real... good one.

83
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I'll show you fear.

84
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That's fear.

85
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If my book ever looked
like this,

86
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it would mean
that nobody wants me

87
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and that everything I ever tried
to do in life didn't work

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and nobody cared
and I've been totally forgotten.

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- When you say,
"Joan, get out your calendar,"

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she goes, "Hold on,
let me put my sunglasses on,

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because the white
of the page hurts my eyes."

92
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So that's a joke.

93
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So we used to laugh about it.

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She goes, "Hold on.
Let me get my sunglasses.

95
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Okay, what day?"

96
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- You look handsome.

97
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- Yeah, right.

98
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- Billy looks good.
He can't stand it.

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<i>I can't.
- Why not?</i>

100
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- My career is in the toilet.
Oh, no, that's Joan.

101
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- That's me.

102
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- My career is in the toilet.

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Nothing is going right.

104
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- That's right.
- Nothing.

105
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<i>- Why?</i>

106
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- I don't know.
It's like, you know...

107
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- That's what I always tell him.

108
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- Unless Joan gives me...

109
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<i>- Billy Sammeth
is a big part of my life,</i>

110
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<i>huge part of my life.</i>

111
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<i>He knows my history.</i>

112
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<i>You know,
there are so few people</i>

113
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<i>that you can say, "Do you
remember Bernie Brillstein?"</i>

114
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<i>And we both laugh
and laugh and laugh.</i>

115
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<i>- Joan is a chronic workaholic.</i>

116
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One job a day is not enough.

117
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It's almost like
an addict, sadly,

118
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but she's a work addict,
so it's not enough.

119
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No matter how much you give her,

120
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it doesn't fill up that need
to be working.

121
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- Now, this is Jocelyn Pickett.

122
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This is my assistant,

123
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who is now going to show you
how busy I am.

124
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Anybody call?

125
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- No.
- No.

126
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<i>- It's not about whether
the talent is good.</i>

127
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<i>It's about whether they're hot.</i>

128
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<i>There are times
in people's career</i>

129
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that you just
can't get it going.

130
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Careers do that.

131
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<i>You're hot, ; you're not.</i>

132
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<i>You're in a slump, ; you're not.</i>

133
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<i>Nothing is happening right now,
so she needs some heat.</i>

134
00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:04,962
<i>[Phone ringing]</i>

135
00:06:05,064 --> 00:06:06,088
<i>- Steve Levine's office.</i>

136
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,097
- Jennifer Moen?

137
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:08,224
<i>- Hi, Billy Sammeth.</i>

138
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- And Joan Rivers.

139
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- Hi, Joan Rivers.
Hold on just a moment.

140
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- Hello.

141
00:06:14,474 --> 00:06:15,372
<i>- Hello.</i>

142
00:06:15,475 --> 00:06:16,737
- Hi.

143
00:06:16,843 --> 00:06:19,505
- Let's hear about Harrah's,
which is May 18th.

144
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This is the weekend
before Memorial Day.

145
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- I just think it's wrong.

146
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It's not vacation.
The kids are still in school.

147
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I want a letter
from them saying,

148
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"We acknowledge
this is the worst weekend,

149
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one of the worst weekends
of the year."

150
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:33,984
<i>- Okay.</i>

151
00:06:34,093 --> 00:06:35,890
- And I really don't need,
at this age,

152
00:06:35,995 --> 00:06:37,860
when I am a comedy icon,

153
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I don't need to walk
into a room

154
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and have it half full,

155
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,701
and then have
the Harrah's people go,

156
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"Cluck, cluck, cluck."

157
00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,229
<i>- Right now, they see her
as a plastic surgery freak</i>

158
00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:49,205
<i>who's past due.</i>

159
00:06:49,308 --> 00:06:53,904
<i>Her, you know, sell-by date,
was finished.</i>

160
00:06:54,013 --> 00:06:56,914
<i>But God help
the next queen of comedy,</i>

161
00:06:57,016 --> 00:06:58,347
<i>because this one's
not abdicating.</i>

162
00:06:58,451 --> 00:07:00,009
<i>Never will.</i>

163
00:07:00,119 --> 00:07:04,078
There will be nail marks
on that red carpet

164
00:07:04,190 --> 00:07:09,025
before she abdicates,
so good luck to the next queen.

165
00:07:09,128 --> 00:07:12,427
<i>- # Happy birthday to you #</i>

166
00:07:12,532 --> 00:07:13,897
- All right, all right.

167
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,991
Don't sing.

168
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:21,734
<i>Age. ; it's the one mountain
that you can't overcome.</i>

169
00:07:21,841 --> 00:07:25,277
<i>It's a youth society,
and nobody wants you.</i>

170
00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:26,436
<i>You're too old.</i>

171
00:07:26,546 --> 00:07:28,605
<i>You're too old.
You're too old.</i>

172
00:07:28,714 --> 00:07:32,047
<i>If one more woman comedian
comes up and says to me,</i>

173
00:07:32,151 --> 00:07:35,587
<i>"You opened the doors for me,"</i>

174
00:07:35,688 --> 00:07:37,315
<i>and you want to say,
"Go fuck yourself."</i>

175
00:07:37,423 --> 00:07:40,256
<i>I'm still opening the doors.</i>

176
00:07:40,359 --> 00:07:41,451
- That's great.

177
00:07:41,561 --> 00:07:43,256
- You're very welcome.

178
00:07:43,362 --> 00:07:44,920
- Thank you very much.

179
00:07:45,031 --> 00:07:46,396
- You are
a Barnard College graduate?

180
00:07:46,499 --> 00:07:47,466
- Yes.

181
00:07:47,567 --> 00:07:49,034
- And your father is a doctor?
- Yes.

182
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:50,534
- And you live where,
in Scarsdale?

183
00:07:50,636 --> 00:07:52,103
- In Larchmont.
- In Larchmont.

184
00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:53,331
And your mother is a...

185
00:07:53,439 --> 00:07:55,430
- A mother.
- Just a mother.

186
00:07:55,541 --> 00:07:56,803
- But how do they look
upon this,

187
00:07:56,909 --> 00:07:58,604
what you're doing,
what it is you do?

188
00:07:58,711 --> 00:08:00,076
- Frightened.
- Are they?

189
00:08:00,179 --> 00:08:02,272
- Well, now they're
very showbiz.

190
00:08:02,381 --> 00:08:04,349
And my mother and I are thinking
of doing a sister act.

191
00:08:04,450 --> 00:08:06,077
But, um, still, uh...

192
00:08:06,185 --> 00:08:08,153
- The audience here
really liked you,

193
00:08:08,254 --> 00:08:09,949
and, uh, good luck to you.

194
00:08:10,056 --> 00:08:10,954
Good night.

195
00:08:11,057 --> 00:08:12,319
- Thanks, Jack.
Good night.

196
00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:14,620
- Good night.

197
00:08:14,727 --> 00:08:16,194
- Joan, here's the script

198
00:08:16,295 --> 00:08:18,126
for the TV pilot
you wanted to look at.

199
00:08:18,231 --> 00:08:19,357
Okay.
Thank you.

200
00:08:19,465 --> 00:08:20,796
Do you know where I am in this?

201
00:08:23,736 --> 00:08:26,637
I see no Joan on page two.

202
00:08:26,739 --> 00:08:28,832
I see no Joan on page three.

203
00:08:28,941 --> 00:08:31,273
I see no Joan on page four.

204
00:08:31,377 --> 00:08:32,708
[Laughs]

205
00:08:32,812 --> 00:08:35,007
- I have worked with her
for about 15 years, I think,

206
00:08:35,114 --> 00:08:36,012
somewhere in there,

207
00:08:36,115 --> 00:08:40,381
so I definitely
have gone through

208
00:08:40,486 --> 00:08:42,113
kind of the ups and downs,
you know,

209
00:08:42,221 --> 00:08:44,246
with her,
with her career.

210
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:45,483
<i>When I started,</i>

211
00:08:45,591 --> 00:08:47,855
<i>it was definitely
kind of a lower point.</i>

212
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,656
<i>Her daytime talk show
was cancelled.</i>

213
00:08:50,763 --> 00:08:52,822
<i>At the same time,
her play Sally Mar,</i>

214
00:08:52,932 --> 00:08:56,493
<i>which ran on Broadway,
that shut down.</i>

215
00:08:56,602 --> 00:08:59,264
Everything was kind of closing,
you know, at that point.

216
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:01,499
So, of course, Joan being Joan,

217
00:09:01,607 --> 00:09:04,337
then started to try
and reinvent herself.

218
00:09:04,443 --> 00:09:05,637
- No.

219
00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:09,104
I ain't seeing me.

220
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:10,682
<i>- This year is no different.</i>

221
00:09:10,783 --> 00:09:12,876
<i>Joan is looking
at new projects,</i>

222
00:09:12,985 --> 00:09:14,680
<i>new ways to get out there.</i>

223
00:09:14,787 --> 00:09:16,687
<i>And she's got two new books
coming out,</i>

224
00:09:16,789 --> 00:09:19,690
<i>a new play that she's
really worked on very hard</i>

225
00:09:19,792 --> 00:09:21,316
<i>for the past couple of years.</i>

226
00:09:21,427 --> 00:09:22,587
<i>And Celebrity Apprentice-</i>

227
00:09:22,695 --> 00:09:24,686
she's booked to be
on the next series

228
00:09:24,797 --> 00:09:26,424
<i>of Celebrity Apprentice.</i>

229
00:09:26,532 --> 00:09:30,161
So she's hoping one of them hits
and puts her back on top.

230
00:09:30,269 --> 00:09:34,501
- I can't find me anywhere.

231
00:09:35,174 --> 00:09:37,699
<i>[Soft guitar music]</i>

232
00:09:37,810 --> 00:09:40,040
[Music continues]

233
00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:41,113
<i>[car horns beeping]</i>

234
00:09:41,213 --> 00:09:43,181
<i>What we are planning is...</i>

235
00:09:43,282 --> 00:09:45,580
The cutoff date for the Emm-

236
00:09:45,685 --> 00:09:50,713
for the Tony nominations
is somewhere in April,

237
00:09:50,823 --> 00:09:53,724
so we have to open somewhere
in April.

238
00:09:53,826 --> 00:09:54,986
<i>For the next few months,</i>

239
00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:58,222
<i>I am really focusing
just on my play.</i>

240
00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:02,825
<i>It means a great deal to me
because it tells my life story.</i>

241
00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:04,630
<i>- So she calls me up one night,
and she goes,</i>

242
00:10:04,737 --> 00:10:05,965
"Billy, it's Joan.

243
00:10:06,072 --> 00:10:07,903
"Listen, I wrote a script
a couple years ago.

244
00:10:08,007 --> 00:10:09,599
It's in the drawer."

245
00:10:09,709 --> 00:10:12,234
<i>Now, I actually saw a reading
of it a year earlier,</i>

246
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:13,607
<i>and I enjoyed it.</i>

247
00:10:13,713 --> 00:10:15,476
<i>So I said,
"I think you should do it."</i>

248
00:10:15,581 --> 00:10:16,548
Hi, Joanie.

249
00:10:16,649 --> 00:10:19,812
- Hi, Billy Boy.
[Kissing noises]

250
00:10:19,919 --> 00:10:22,046
- Hi, Billy.
- This is Billy.

251
00:10:22,154 --> 00:10:23,143
- Hi, Seany.

252
00:10:23,255 --> 00:10:24,187
I'm a little schvitzy.

253
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:25,780
- Schwitzy?
How you doing?

254
00:10:25,891 --> 00:10:27,085
- Schvit.
- Schvit.

255
00:10:27,193 --> 00:10:28,421
- Schvit.
- Schvit.

256
00:10:28,527 --> 00:10:30,222
- Schvitzy.
- Schvitzy, schvitzy.

257
00:10:30,329 --> 00:10:31,626
<i>- The name of the show is</i>

258
00:10:31,731 --> 00:10:35,997
Joan Rivers: A Work in Progress
by a Life in Progress,

259
00:10:36,102 --> 00:10:38,036
you know, episodes
from her life,

260
00:10:38,137 --> 00:10:40,332
how she got
to where she is now.

261
00:10:40,439 --> 00:10:42,839
<i>We're going to take this
to the Edinburgh Festival,</i>

262
00:10:42,942 --> 00:10:44,136
<i>and then we're going to do it</i>

263
00:10:44,243 --> 00:10:45,870
<i>in London's
glittering West End.</i>

264
00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:47,639
<i>The ultimate goal?</i>

265
00:10:47,747 --> 00:10:51,513
I think Joan wants to play it
in her hometown.

266
00:10:51,617 --> 00:10:53,847
- "I have very few hairs
left on my head,

267
00:10:53,953 --> 00:10:55,318
"and each one has a name,

268
00:10:55,421 --> 00:10:58,322
like last week, we had to sit
shiva for Bernice,"

269
00:10:58,424 --> 00:11:00,984
or, "We buried Bernice,"
or, "We cremated Bernice."

270
00:11:01,093 --> 00:11:03,220
- Yeah, "cremated"
I think is good.

271
00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:06,526
<i>- I hope that the play
is a huge success.</i>

272
00:11:06,632 --> 00:11:08,566
<i>I think the play
will remind them</i>

273
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:09,600
I'm an actress.

274
00:11:09,702 --> 00:11:10,862
I'm a writer.

275
00:11:10,970 --> 00:11:14,406
And if we get great reviews,

276
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:18,375
it will open up
a million other things.

277
00:11:18,477 --> 00:11:20,809
"One of my earliest memories,
I must have been,

278
00:11:20,913 --> 00:11:22,175
"tops, six years old.

279
00:11:22,281 --> 00:11:24,875
<i>"My mother took me to see
Paul Robeson in Othello,</i>

280
00:11:24,984 --> 00:11:27,851
"and I remember smelling
the smells of the theater,

281
00:11:27,953 --> 00:11:31,445
and I thought,
'This is where I belong."'

282
00:11:32,858 --> 00:11:34,826
<i>I was in every school play.</i>

283
00:11:34,927 --> 00:11:37,657
<i>I was in everything
you could do at college.</i>

284
00:11:37,763 --> 00:11:40,163
<i>There was never a discussion
in my own head</i>

285
00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:43,326
<i>of where I was going,
and it was always acting.</i>

286
00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:45,233
<i>Always going to be an actress.</i>

287
00:11:45,337 --> 00:11:47,771
<i>- Were you-were you-you were
straight acting or comedy?</i>

288
00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:49,568
<i>- No, no, comedy, never.</i>

289
00:11:49,675 --> 00:11:53,008
<i>I just knew that I could work
as a comedian at night</i>

290
00:11:53,112 --> 00:11:55,171
<i>and make money to make
the rounds as an actress.</i>

291
00:11:55,281 --> 00:11:58,739
And that's the only reason
I went into comedy.

292
00:11:58,851 --> 00:12:01,376
Sometimes I sit at home,
and I think to myself,

293
00:12:01,487 --> 00:12:03,682
"Joan, yes, you're a diva.
You're a diva.

294
00:12:03,789 --> 00:12:07,316
"Penthouse, limo, furs.

295
00:12:07,426 --> 00:12:10,054
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff."

296
00:12:10,162 --> 00:12:12,460
But a diva can get lonely.

297
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,897
And I say this to my staff,
I say, "Staff..."

298
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:17,901
[laughs]

299
00:12:18,003 --> 00:12:20,403
I don't know any of their names,
because they're like you people.

300
00:12:20,506 --> 00:12:23,441
They come.
They go.

301
00:12:23,542 --> 00:12:30,277
Sometimes I say to them,
"Staff, I'm lonely.

302
00:12:30,382 --> 00:12:32,213
Who's going to fuck me tonight,
staff?"

303
00:12:32,318 --> 00:12:33,376
[Laughter]

304
00:12:33,486 --> 00:12:34,953
Oh!
That's their reaction.

305
00:12:35,054 --> 00:12:38,251
[Laughter]

306
00:12:38,357 --> 00:12:40,291
[Dog barking]

307
00:12:40,392 --> 00:12:41,757
Yes, yes, yes.

308
00:12:41,861 --> 00:12:44,591
This is delicious, huh?

309
00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:47,689
This is Kevin,
who runs my house,

310
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:49,791
also without asking me anything.

311
00:12:49,902 --> 00:12:51,699
Thank God.

312
00:12:51,804 --> 00:12:53,396
That is Debbie,
his wife, over there,

313
00:12:53,506 --> 00:12:55,770
who really is the brains
behind Kevin.

314
00:12:55,875 --> 00:12:57,502
We thought you should know.

315
00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:58,668
- It's true.

316
00:13:00,679 --> 00:13:02,977
- It's bacon, you idiot.

317
00:13:03,082 --> 00:13:05,607
This is my apartment,
and it's very grand.

318
00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:07,811
This is how Marie Antoinette
would have lived

319
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:09,080
if she had had money.

320
00:13:09,188 --> 00:13:18,824
[Music continues]

321
00:13:18,931 --> 00:13:21,161
<i>- You try to explain to people
before you go to her house,</i>

322
00:13:21,267 --> 00:13:24,327
<i>"What you're about to see,
nobody lives like this.</i>

323
00:13:24,436 --> 00:13:26,370
"Maybe the queen of England,

324
00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:29,270
but besides that,
nobody lives like this."

325
00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:32,344
- I live very, very, very well.
That's to start with.

326
00:13:32,444 --> 00:13:34,173
I enjoy my creature comforts.

327
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,771
And I know I have to work
for it.

328
00:13:36,882 --> 00:13:40,249
I could stop and live carefully,
but that's ridiculous.

329
00:13:40,352 --> 00:13:42,013
I don't want to live carefully.

330
00:13:42,121 --> 00:13:45,386
So I would rather work
and live the way I live

331
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:47,254
and have a wonderful time.

332
00:13:47,359 --> 00:13:50,487
- When I hear the numbers
from her accountant,

333
00:13:50,596 --> 00:13:53,497
because, you know,
behind our client's back,

334
00:13:53,599 --> 00:13:55,191
everyone's whispering.

335
00:13:55,301 --> 00:13:56,734
So they called me,
and they said,

336
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:59,737
"Billy, you've got to pull
another rabbit out of the hat."

337
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,670
"How many rabbits would you like
out of the hat?

338
00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:03,537
I don't have that many
more rabbits in my hat."

339
00:14:03,642 --> 00:14:06,406
- When I first hit
on the Carson show years ago,

340
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,707
my manager then was a man
named Jack Rollins,

341
00:14:08,814 --> 00:14:11,044
and he said, "You're going
to be an industry.

342
00:14:11,150 --> 00:14:13,641
When people hit,
they become industries."

343
00:14:13,752 --> 00:14:17,210
And that's really what-
I'm a small industry.

344
00:14:17,323 --> 00:14:19,291
- This week's checks
for you to sign.

345
00:14:19,391 --> 00:14:20,983
- Oh, good.
Okay.

346
00:14:21,093 --> 00:14:24,529
<i>I have an agent.
I have a manager.</i>

347
00:14:24,630 --> 00:14:27,394
<i>I have a business manager,
a PR lady,</i>

348
00:14:27,499 --> 00:14:29,296
<i>two assistants,
and a lawyer.</i>

349
00:14:29,401 --> 00:14:30,868
<i>We forget the lawyers.</i>

350
00:14:30,970 --> 00:14:33,131
<i>There are then
certain relatives</i>

351
00:14:33,239 --> 00:14:34,638
<i>that I'm totally supporting,</i>

352
00:14:34,740 --> 00:14:36,469
<i>certain friends.</i>

353
00:14:36,575 --> 00:14:39,237
<i>Most people that work with me,
if they have children,</i>

354
00:14:39,345 --> 00:14:41,438
<i>I send the children
to private schools.</i>

355
00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:44,948
<i>It goes on and on
and on and on.</i>

356
00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:47,041
I'm dancing as fast as I can.

357
00:14:47,152 --> 00:14:48,449
[Laughs]

358
00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:52,490
Are you on speaker?

359
00:14:52,591 --> 00:14:54,923
- Okay.
So where do we start?

360
00:15:06,338 --> 00:15:09,603
- Yeah, I would love to,
because I'm very short on money.

361
00:15:09,708 --> 00:15:11,505
Trust me, we need it.

362
00:15:11,610 --> 00:15:12,634
<i>- Okay.
- Okay.</i>

363
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:13,973
<i>- Okay, okay.</i>

364
00:15:14,079 --> 00:15:15,842
- Bump up the offer,
and you'll do your comedy.

365
00:15:15,948 --> 00:15:17,540
- Yeah, bump up the offer
and they get one-

366
00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:20,983
bump up the offer,
and they get Joan on stage.

367
00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:22,519
Bump up the offer some more,

368
00:15:22,621 --> 00:15:25,715
and they get Joan doing
a survival lecture and onstage.

369
00:15:25,824 --> 00:15:26,916
- Mm-hmm.

370
00:15:27,026 --> 00:15:28,425
- Bump up the offer some more,

371
00:15:28,527 --> 00:15:30,154
and they also get
the red carpet lecture,

372
00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:32,093
the survival lecture.

373
00:15:32,197 --> 00:15:35,394
- And don't forget there's
the 125 grand worth of charm!

374
00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:36,468
- Just...

375
00:15:36,568 --> 00:15:38,160
[laughter]

376
00:15:38,837 --> 00:15:41,397
<i>[Upbeat guitar music]</i>

377
00:15:41,507 --> 00:15:43,668
[Music continues]

378
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:45,903
You know the dates
we're holding for QVC,

379
00:15:46,011 --> 00:15:47,603
right, Billy, pretty much?

380
00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:49,874
<i>- Yeah.
- Let me ask you one last thing.</i>

381
00:15:49,982 --> 00:15:53,645
Do you think it's in bad taste
to say about Obama's wife,

382
00:15:53,752 --> 00:15:56,812
who I think is so chic,
Michelle,

383
00:15:56,922 --> 00:16:00,414
that she is-your remember we-
in the old days,

384
00:16:00,526 --> 00:16:02,858
in the Kennedy era,
there was Jackie O?

385
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:06,625
Well, now, in the Obama era,
it's going to be Blackie O.

386
00:16:06,732 --> 00:16:09,132
<i>- Oh, no.
- [Laughs] Oh, no.</i>

387
00:16:09,234 --> 00:16:12,931
- Okay, just-I thought it was
a great joke, okay.

388
00:16:13,038 --> 00:16:15,006
These are all my jokes.

389
00:16:15,107 --> 00:16:20,545
These are jokes
over the last 30 years.

390
00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:23,672
These are just-
every time I write a joke,

391
00:16:23,782 --> 00:16:27,013
I try to remember
to get it on a card.

392
00:16:27,119 --> 00:16:29,178
"Why should a woman cook?

393
00:16:29,288 --> 00:16:30,482
"So her husband can say,

394
00:16:30,589 --> 00:16:32,216
"'My wife makes
a delicious cake,'

395
00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:33,450
to some hooker."

396
00:16:33,559 --> 00:16:35,925
[Laughs]

397
00:16:36,028 --> 00:16:40,055
And you wonder why I'm
still working at this age.

398
00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:42,565
<i>People think
it comes so easily.</i>

399
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:44,636
<i>They have no idea
that what you're doing</i>

400
00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:46,762
<i>is a terrifically
difficult thing to do.</i>

401
00:16:46,872 --> 00:16:51,536
<i>And I prepare
like a crazy lady.</i>

402
00:16:51,643 --> 00:16:52,769
I mean, here I am.

403
00:16:52,878 --> 00:16:54,778
I mean, everything is just...

404
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:58,043
Everywhere you look,
there are jokes.

405
00:16:58,150 --> 00:17:02,553
Everywhere-jokes to be filed,
jokes to be written,

406
00:17:02,654 --> 00:17:05,680
jokes that I thought
of something.

407
00:17:05,791 --> 00:17:09,955
I mean, my life is just...

408
00:17:10,062 --> 00:17:11,154
jokes.

409
00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:17,694
"Vagina farts.

410
00:17:17,803 --> 00:17:22,137
My vagina farts are so loud,
my gynecologist wears earplugs."

411
00:17:22,241 --> 00:17:26,007
[Laughs]

412
00:17:26,111 --> 00:17:29,547
"Are gay men proud
of their excessive body hair,

413
00:17:29,648 --> 00:17:31,343
like Madonna's daughter?"

414
00:17:31,450 --> 00:17:33,281
Maybe.

415
00:17:33,385 --> 00:17:34,443
<i>"Amazing Race. ;</i>

416
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:36,680
Mel Gibson chasing Jews
into the showers."

417
00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:39,553
[Laughs]

418
00:17:39,658 --> 00:17:41,091
As some of you can tell now,

419
00:17:41,193 --> 00:17:42,990
I'm seven and a half months
pregnant.

420
00:17:43,095 --> 00:17:44,255
And you want to know the truth?

421
00:17:44,363 --> 00:17:45,853
You know how lousy
you feel at night?

422
00:17:45,964 --> 00:17:47,056
When I'm undressed,

423
00:17:47,166 --> 00:17:48,929
my husband looks at me
and mentally dresses me.

424
00:17:49,034 --> 00:17:50,262
You know how cruel that can be?

425
00:17:50,369 --> 00:17:54,237
When I started comedy,
I was very wild for the time,

426
00:17:54,339 --> 00:17:56,534
but different times.

427
00:17:56,642 --> 00:18:00,169
The last line
in my original act was,

428
00:18:00,279 --> 00:18:03,442
"This business,
it's all about casting couches,

429
00:18:03,549 --> 00:18:06,541
"so I want you to know,
my name is Joan Rivers,

430
00:18:06,652 --> 00:18:08,279
and I put out."

431
00:18:08,387 --> 00:18:10,287
And you would hear
the audience-

432
00:18:10,389 --> 00:18:13,051
such a sweet little, silly line
from a girl who was,

433
00:18:13,158 --> 00:18:16,252
what, 28 years old,
you know, dressed up,

434
00:18:16,361 --> 00:18:18,056
trying to look nice.

435
00:18:18,163 --> 00:18:20,131
The audience,
half of them laughed.

436
00:18:20,232 --> 00:18:22,792
Jack Lemmon saw me
and walked out.

437
00:18:22,901 --> 00:18:26,337
He said, "That's disgusting."

438
00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:30,169
So for my time,
I was very shocking.

439
00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:32,505
<i>I remember I had a joke
about abortions</i>

440
00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:33,771
<i>when you weren't supposed to</i>

441
00:18:33,879 --> 00:18:37,042
<i>even say the word
on television.</i>

442
00:18:37,149 --> 00:18:38,741
I have a friend
who just got married.

443
00:18:38,851 --> 00:18:41,149
The woman is 32 years old.

444
00:18:41,253 --> 00:18:43,016
She had 14 appendectomies,

445
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:45,352
if you know
what I'm telling you.

446
00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:47,789
You know, back and forth
to Puerto Rico.

447
00:18:47,893 --> 00:18:49,758
She never stopped flying.

448
00:18:49,862 --> 00:18:52,262
She walked down the aisle
in white.

449
00:18:52,364 --> 00:18:54,355
Every usher went...

450
00:18:56,368 --> 00:18:58,734
<i>My manager took me out
and said to me,</i>

451
00:18:58,837 --> 00:19:03,501
"Joanala, you're going
into places you shouldn't go.

452
00:19:03,609 --> 00:19:05,509
"It's not right.
It's not right.

453
00:19:05,611 --> 00:19:07,203
A woman shouldn't talk
about that."

454
00:19:07,312 --> 00:19:12,648
<i>I remember thinking,
"You are so wrong.</i>

455
00:19:12,751 --> 00:19:16,084
This is exactly what
we should be talking about."

456
00:19:16,188 --> 00:19:18,918
My daughter loves me
very, very much.

457
00:19:19,024 --> 00:19:20,321
I was there when she gave birth.

458
00:19:20,425 --> 00:19:22,086
Ugch! Oh!

459
00:19:22,194 --> 00:19:23,889
In California, they bring
the parents in now

460
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,395
to see the birt-

461
00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:27,294
Ugh, ugh, ugh.

462
00:19:27,399 --> 00:19:30,095
In my day,
having a child was better.

463
00:19:30,202 --> 00:19:31,692
They knocked you out
with the first pain.

464
00:19:31,803 --> 00:19:33,634
They woke you up
when the hairdresser showed.

465
00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:34,797
You knew nothing.

466
00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:36,932
It was so much better.

467
00:19:37,042 --> 00:19:38,339
"Miss Rivers, you had a girl."

468
00:19:38,443 --> 00:19:41,105
"Good, good, good."

469
00:19:43,215 --> 00:19:44,341
"Is she normal?"

470
00:19:44,449 --> 00:19:45,541
"Yeah."
"Good, good."

471
00:19:45,651 --> 00:19:49,178
[Laughter]

472
00:19:49,288 --> 00:19:50,312
"Is she white?"
"Yeah."

473
00:19:50,422 --> 00:19:52,049
"Good."

474
00:19:52,157 --> 00:19:54,489
[Laughter]

475
00:19:54,593 --> 00:19:58,154
"The marriage continues."

476
00:19:58,263 --> 00:20:01,061
<i>- I went to see her live
one time.</i>

477
00:20:01,166 --> 00:20:03,657
The shit that came
out of her mouth

478
00:20:03,769 --> 00:20:06,704
was so shocking and so funny.

479
00:20:06,805 --> 00:20:09,933
<i>She was doing something
that no other woman was doing.</i>

480
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:13,569
<i>You know, I wouldn't be doing
this if it wasn't for Joan,</i>

481
00:20:13,679 --> 00:20:15,408
<i>much in the way
that she acknowledges</i>

482
00:20:15,514 --> 00:20:17,505
that Phyllis Diller
paved the way for her

483
00:20:17,616 --> 00:20:20,141
and before her was Moms Mabely,
and-get it.

484
00:20:20,252 --> 00:20:21,947
There's a handful of women

485
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:23,817
in modern history
that have done this.

486
00:20:23,922 --> 00:20:25,685
<i>Just a handful.</i>

487
00:20:25,791 --> 00:20:27,383
- I was so angry...

488
00:20:28,126 --> 00:20:30,094
Thank you.

489
00:20:30,195 --> 00:20:33,255
Thank you.
Thank you.

490
00:20:33,365 --> 00:20:35,196
Okay.

491
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:36,858
While we're on the subject,

492
00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:39,699
let me talk to you
about sex over 60.

493
00:20:39,805 --> 00:20:42,035
After 60, the body drops.

494
00:20:42,140 --> 00:20:44,370
The body drops.

495
00:20:44,476 --> 00:20:45,500
- Yeah.

496
00:20:45,611 --> 00:20:47,101
And it's not just the breasts.

497
00:20:47,212 --> 00:20:49,077
Vaginas drop.
Vaginas drop.

498
00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:51,411
Um, six years ago, I woke up
one morning, and I said,

499
00:20:51,516 --> 00:20:53,108
"Why am I wearing
a bunny slipper?

500
00:20:53,218 --> 00:20:55,277
And why is it gray?"

501
00:20:55,387 --> 00:20:57,116
- Brilliant.

502
00:20:57,222 --> 00:21:00,385
- I went to the dermatologist,
so please excuse the way I look.

503
00:21:00,492 --> 00:21:02,050
- [Laughs]

504
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:06,221
- I got a shot filled
with everything, and I said,

505
00:21:06,331 --> 00:21:08,458
"I need this for four months."

506
00:21:08,567 --> 00:21:09,864
- When do you go?

507
00:21:09,968 --> 00:21:11,128
- She just went crazy.

508
00:21:11,236 --> 00:21:12,328
- "Just blast away."

509
00:21:12,437 --> 00:21:13,768
[Laughs]

510
00:21:13,872 --> 00:21:16,432
- Then she said,
"Here, go to rehearsal."

511
00:21:16,541 --> 00:21:18,839
[Laughs]

512
00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:20,206
Okay.

513
00:21:20,312 --> 00:21:22,576
Thank you, Pat.

514
00:21:22,681 --> 00:21:24,444
My mother told me,
"Looks don't count."

515
00:21:24,549 --> 00:21:28,417
She told me this a lot.

516
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:30,579
Saturday nights,

517
00:21:30,689 --> 00:21:33,556
in our kitchen,
while I was growing up.

518
00:21:33,659 --> 00:21:37,755
My mother used to look at me
and say...

519
00:21:46,672 --> 00:21:48,731
"Looks don't count!

520
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:52,708
Now get out of my sight,
you big lump!"

521
00:21:52,811 --> 00:21:55,803
<i>And my mother lied
because looks count...</i>

522
00:21:55,914 --> 00:21:58,178
It's very scary
when you see yourself totally

523
00:21:58,283 --> 00:21:59,716
without any makeup.

524
00:21:59,818 --> 00:22:01,251
It's really...

525
00:22:01,353 --> 00:22:02,718
Ew, it gives me the willies.

526
00:22:02,821 --> 00:22:03,753
[Laughs]

527
00:22:03,855 --> 00:22:04,822
<i>- Why?</i>

528
00:22:04,923 --> 00:22:07,289
- "Who is that person?"

529
00:22:07,392 --> 00:22:09,792
So I get up in the morning,

530
00:22:09,895 --> 00:22:12,591
and the first thing I do is,
I get into makeup.

531
00:22:12,698 --> 00:22:15,963
Now, I was never
the natural beauty.

532
00:22:16,068 --> 00:22:20,004
No man has ever,
ever told me I'm beautiful.

533
00:22:20,105 --> 00:22:21,436
They've said to me,
"You look great.

534
00:22:21,540 --> 00:22:22,768
You look this.
You're terrific."

535
00:22:22,874 --> 00:22:24,034
But no man ever said,

536
00:22:24,142 --> 00:22:26,667
"Oh, my God,
you're so beautiful."

537
00:22:26,778 --> 00:22:29,679
<i>[Rock music]</i>

538
00:22:29,781 --> 00:22:31,146
[Music continues]

539
00:22:31,249 --> 00:22:32,147
- Good.

540
00:22:32,250 --> 00:22:33,239
Bring 'em right in.

541
00:22:33,352 --> 00:22:34,649
Yeah!

542
00:22:35,854 --> 00:22:37,446
Good.
Yeah!

543
00:22:37,556 --> 00:22:39,217
Yeah!
Looking good.

544
00:22:39,324 --> 00:22:40,256
Good.

545
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:42,418
Aah, okay let's do tools.

546
00:22:42,527 --> 00:22:43,824
And one-
Yeah, that's great!

547
00:22:43,929 --> 00:22:45,055
Good. Yeah.

548
00:22:45,163 --> 00:22:47,757
- Didn't you want the hand going
to the side?

549
00:22:47,866 --> 00:22:49,731
<i>People want to look at
pretty women.</i>

550
00:22:49,835 --> 00:22:51,666
<i>Nobody wants an old woman,</i>

551
00:22:51,770 --> 00:22:55,069
<i>so I started
with the plastic surgery,</i>

552
00:22:55,173 --> 00:22:57,266
<i>little bits and tweaks.</i>

553
00:22:57,376 --> 00:23:00,209
<i>Then I got very angry
because nobody would admit it.</i>

554
00:23:00,312 --> 00:23:02,678
I really became
a big advocate of it.

555
00:23:02,781 --> 00:23:05,511
And so then I became
the poster girl for it,

556
00:23:05,617 --> 00:23:07,585
and then I became
the joke of it.

557
00:23:07,686 --> 00:23:09,449
- Tools out a little bit.

558
00:23:09,554 --> 00:23:11,112
Yeah, that's it.

559
00:23:11,223 --> 00:23:13,987
Good.

560
00:23:14,092 --> 00:23:16,560
- So how'd you come up
with the title?

561
00:23:16,661 --> 00:23:18,253
- Marilyn Monroe told that
to me at a party.

562
00:23:18,363 --> 00:23:19,523
- Yeah?
Yeah?

563
00:23:19,631 --> 00:23:21,189
You and I were having
a discussion

564
00:23:21,299 --> 00:23:23,733
before we went on the air today.

565
00:23:23,835 --> 00:23:25,769
I said, if you don't feel good
about yourself inside,

566
00:23:25,871 --> 00:23:27,862
plastic surgery
will not help at all

567
00:23:27,973 --> 00:23:29,304
and in fact
could make things worse,

568
00:23:29,408 --> 00:23:31,171
because then you think,
"Well, people don't-

569
00:23:31,276 --> 00:23:33,073
aren't really appreciating
the real me."

570
00:23:33,178 --> 00:23:35,043
- Well, who is the real me?

571
00:23:35,147 --> 00:23:36,409
Tell me...

572
00:23:36,515 --> 00:23:37,914
- You are the real me.

573
00:23:38,016 --> 00:23:40,484
Well, don't-look, we want to be
loved for our sense of humor,

574
00:23:40,585 --> 00:23:43,213
for our soul, for our sweetness,
for our vulnerability,

575
00:23:43,321 --> 00:23:44,754
for our intelligence, yes?

576
00:23:44,856 --> 00:23:46,323
- I just want to be loved.

577
00:23:48,427 --> 00:23:50,452
<i>I met Edgar-
I had been on the Carson show,</i>

578
00:23:50,562 --> 00:23:53,190
<i>and Edgar called,
and he said to Johnny,</i>

579
00:23:53,298 --> 00:23:54,788
<i>"Who do you know
that's a good writer?"</i>

580
00:23:54,900 --> 00:23:57,994
<i>And Carson said, "There was
a girl writer on last week.</i>

581
00:23:58,103 --> 00:23:59,900
<i>You should look her up. "</i>

582
00:24:00,005 --> 00:24:02,769
<i>I met him, and I married him
four days later.</i>

583
00:24:02,874 --> 00:24:04,865
<i>Was I madly in love with him?
No.</i>

584
00:24:04,976 --> 00:24:06,534
Was it a good marriage?
Yes.

585
00:24:06,645 --> 00:24:08,909
I thought marriage was going
to be hugging and kissing

586
00:24:09,014 --> 00:24:10,641
like in the movies.

587
00:24:10,749 --> 00:24:13,513
You walk hand in hand
over the hill into the sunset.

588
00:24:13,618 --> 00:24:15,586
You know what's
on the other side of that hill?

589
00:24:15,687 --> 00:24:17,655
Filthy dishes, that's what.

590
00:24:17,756 --> 00:24:19,223
And socks.

591
00:24:19,324 --> 00:24:20,552
- How was the last show
last night?

592
00:24:20,659 --> 00:24:22,024
- Very good,
as a matter of fact.

593
00:24:22,127 --> 00:24:23,389
- Good, good.

594
00:24:23,495 --> 00:24:25,395
- Without Edgar,
I couldn't have done it.

595
00:24:25,497 --> 00:24:27,055
We worked together.

596
00:24:27,165 --> 00:24:31,864
We worked on projects together,
so it was a family business.

597
00:24:31,970 --> 00:24:33,995
Any woman that has a child
that doesn't yell is a fool.

598
00:24:34,105 --> 00:24:35,333
Don't you think?

599
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:36,634
Didn't you yell?

600
00:24:36,741 --> 00:24:37,833
<i>- No.
- Why not?</i>

601
00:24:37,943 --> 00:24:39,808
It's your one chance
to be noticed.

602
00:24:39,911 --> 00:24:41,640
When I was having my kid,
you should've-

603
00:24:41,746 --> 00:24:43,338
"Aah!

604
00:24:45,650 --> 00:24:48,312
Aah!"

605
00:24:48,420 --> 00:24:49,978
And that was just
during conception.

606
00:24:50,088 --> 00:24:52,716
I just...

607
00:24:52,824 --> 00:24:54,257
<i>I was dying to be a mother.</i>

608
00:24:54,359 --> 00:24:56,691
<i>I couldn't wait to be a mother,</i>

609
00:24:56,795 --> 00:25:00,026
<i>and I really worked very hard
to be there for her.</i>

610
00:25:00,131 --> 00:25:03,066
Of course, I'm sure she felt
very deserted as a child,

611
00:25:03,168 --> 00:25:06,262
but I was-I was there
as much as I could be

612
00:25:06,371 --> 00:25:08,202
<i>and I made sure
we were a family unit</i>

613
00:25:08,306 --> 00:25:09,637
<i>and she knew it.</i>

614
00:25:09,741 --> 00:25:10,969
<i>- And everyone's like,</i>

615
00:25:11,076 --> 00:25:12,634
<i>"Oh, what was it like living
with a legend?"</i>

616
00:25:12,744 --> 00:25:13,972
<i>I'm like,
"Yeah, it was hilarious</i>

617
00:25:14,079 --> 00:25:15,307
<i>when I was getting grounded, "</i>

618
00:25:15,413 --> 00:25:17,210
which is why I always say
to people, it's like,

619
00:25:17,315 --> 00:25:18,441
"You don't realize

620
00:25:18,550 --> 00:25:22,077
"how in these
very extraordinary,

621
00:25:22,187 --> 00:25:24,951
"abnormal circumstances

622
00:25:25,056 --> 00:25:30,392
what a normal world
my parents created."

623
00:25:30,495 --> 00:25:32,656
And that's a testament to them.

624
00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:37,559
<i>It's funny because she refers
to her career as "the career,"</i>

625
00:25:37,669 --> 00:25:40,866
<i>and it dawned on me one day
that I had a sibling.</i>

626
00:25:40,972 --> 00:25:44,066
<i>We all work on the career</i>

627
00:25:44,175 --> 00:25:47,008
<i>as if it's a totally separate
entity in the room.</i>

628
00:25:49,748 --> 00:25:53,047
<i>- Melissa, what was
your mom's reaction</i>

629
00:25:53,151 --> 00:25:55,551
<i>when you told her you wanted
to go into show business?</i>

630
00:25:55,654 --> 00:25:57,713
- What was it we use to say?

631
00:25:57,822 --> 00:25:59,619
Supportive yet not encouraging.

632
00:25:59,724 --> 00:26:01,988
- Yeah, and still am.

633
00:26:02,093 --> 00:26:03,287
- And still am,

634
00:26:03,395 --> 00:26:04,623
which is a little late
in the game.

635
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:05,889
- Yeah, but it-

636
00:26:05,997 --> 00:26:07,521
- To be supportive
and not encouraging.

637
00:26:07,632 --> 00:26:09,395
- No, but it's such
a hard business.

638
00:26:09,501 --> 00:26:12,698
What I try to do with Melissa,
I try to protect her.

639
00:26:12,804 --> 00:26:15,272
This is the one business
in the world-

640
00:26:15,373 --> 00:26:17,671
it is total rejection.

641
00:26:17,776 --> 00:26:21,234
And I'm 75,
and I'm still rejected.

642
00:26:21,346 --> 00:26:25,373
This business,
you are mud your whole life.

643
00:26:25,483 --> 00:26:28,418
[Hair dryer blowing]

644
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:29,452
Joce, Joce, are you there?

645
00:26:30,121 --> 00:26:31,110
<i>- Yes.</i>

646
00:26:31,222 --> 00:26:32,211
- Have you heard from Billy?

647
00:26:32,324 --> 00:26:34,053
<i>- I haven't.
I have got no calls back.</i>

648
00:26:34,159 --> 00:26:36,354
- All right.
Did you send him an email?

649
00:26:36,461 --> 00:26:39,055
I really-I want him there
to see the play

650
00:26:39,164 --> 00:26:42,327
before we go to Edinburgh.

651
00:26:42,434 --> 00:26:44,800
I mean, there's Edinburgh.
There's London, my God.

652
00:26:44,903 --> 00:26:46,165
He's got to see the play.

653
00:26:46,271 --> 00:26:47,795
<i>- Okay.
I'll email him as well.</i>

654
00:26:47,906 --> 00:26:51,239
- So that's my manager, Billy,
who I adore,

655
00:26:51,343 --> 00:26:52,708
disappears all the time.

656
00:26:52,811 --> 00:26:54,711
Three years ago,
it was very, very bad,

657
00:26:54,813 --> 00:26:56,838
and I almost-
I almost fired him then.

658
00:26:56,948 --> 00:27:00,645
And then, God, it's,
you know, all this time.

659
00:27:00,752 --> 00:27:04,017
I've known Billy-
it's got to be about 35 years.

660
00:27:04,122 --> 00:27:06,022
I could open
the drawer here somewhere,

661
00:27:06,124 --> 00:27:08,456
and you'll, uh-
you'll find pictures of Billy.

662
00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:10,323
Here.

663
00:27:10,428 --> 00:27:12,896
Look, young Billy, young Joan.

664
00:27:12,998 --> 00:27:14,465
That's Edgar in the background.

665
00:27:14,566 --> 00:27:15,794
And Billy is...

666
00:27:15,900 --> 00:27:18,232
Billy is part of my life.

667
00:27:18,336 --> 00:27:21,965
And I want to see him now
because we're doing the play

668
00:27:22,073 --> 00:27:23,938
and I need another pair of eyes.

669
00:27:24,042 --> 00:27:26,408
I need another brain.

670
00:27:26,511 --> 00:27:29,605
I need his input desperately.

671
00:27:29,714 --> 00:27:33,115
- Welcome, welcome, welcome,
welcome to what will be

672
00:27:33,218 --> 00:27:35,584
<i>Joan Rivers. ;
A Work in Progress</i>

673
00:27:35,687 --> 00:27:37,120
<i>by a Life in Progress.</i>

674
00:27:37,222 --> 00:27:38,416
Okay, here we go.

675
00:27:38,523 --> 00:27:41,117
- I am thrilled to be here.

676
00:27:41,226 --> 00:27:43,717
I just don't want this
to be about me, me, me, me, me.

677
00:27:43,828 --> 00:27:45,090
- Hello.

678
00:27:45,196 --> 00:27:46,390
- No, not-not yet, honey.

679
00:27:46,498 --> 00:27:47,692
No, again, you too, back.

680
00:27:47,799 --> 00:27:49,027
Go back.

681
00:27:49,134 --> 00:27:50,362
Beautiful.

682
00:27:50,468 --> 00:27:52,368
Anyhow...

683
00:27:52,470 --> 00:27:53,437
Line.

684
00:27:53,538 --> 00:27:54,436
"Now, where was I?"

685
00:27:54,539 --> 00:27:55,665
- Now, where was I?

686
00:27:55,774 --> 00:28:00,211
[Laughter]

687
00:28:00,311 --> 00:28:02,176
Bill Cosby, who was
a very good friend of mine,

688
00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:03,679
<i>was on The Tonight Show,</i>

689
00:28:03,782 --> 00:28:06,751
and the comic that was on
with Bill absolutely bombed,

690
00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:08,842
and Bill, God bless him,
went over to the director,

691
00:28:08,953 --> 00:28:11,888
and he said, "Listen.
Why don't you use Joan Rivers?

692
00:28:11,990 --> 00:28:14,117
She can't be any worse than
the guy that was on tonight,"

693
00:28:14,225 --> 00:28:15,419
and that's how they put me on.

694
00:28:15,527 --> 00:28:16,824
They put me on the next night.

695
00:28:16,928 --> 00:28:19,021
And it was one
of those nights, um...

696
00:28:19,130 --> 00:28:21,098
Do you know, like,
when everything goes right?

697
00:28:21,199 --> 00:28:22,291
Do you know?

698
00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:23,628
When the stars are in alignment?

699
00:28:23,735 --> 00:28:26,169
And the audience,
we just connected.

700
00:28:26,271 --> 00:28:28,831
And Carson,
at the end of the act-

701
00:28:28,940 --> 00:28:32,239
after nine years
of working bungalow colonies

702
00:28:32,343 --> 00:28:34,709
and strip joints
and working in Greenwich Village

703
00:28:34,813 --> 00:28:36,246
in clubs
where you'd pass the hat,

704
00:28:36,347 --> 00:28:37,814
the hat wouldn't come back-

705
00:28:37,916 --> 00:28:41,374
on the air, Carson said to me,
"You're going to be a star."

706
00:28:41,486 --> 00:28:43,420
And I looked behind me.

707
00:28:43,521 --> 00:28:44,920
"Well, who the hell
is he talking to?"

708
00:28:45,023 --> 00:28:46,786
And it was absolutely-

709
00:28:46,891 --> 00:28:48,722
it was magical
between the two of us.

710
00:28:48,827 --> 00:28:50,419
Absolutely magical.

711
00:28:50,528 --> 00:28:52,519
- Don't you think men
really like intelligence more

712
00:28:52,630 --> 00:28:53,722
when comes right down to it?

713
00:28:53,832 --> 00:28:55,424
- Ugh, please, are we
gonna go back to that?

714
00:28:55,533 --> 00:28:56,761
Are you kidding?

715
00:28:56,868 --> 00:28:57,994
- Oh, sure, I mean,
it's a brain,

716
00:28:58,103 --> 00:28:59,365
you know, a caring person.

717
00:28:59,471 --> 00:29:01,132
- No man has ever put his hand
up a woman's dress

718
00:29:01,239 --> 00:29:02,297
looking for a library card.

719
00:29:02,407 --> 00:29:03,669
I'm sorry.

720
00:29:03,775 --> 00:29:06,869
<i>Everyone watched
the Carson show,</i>

721
00:29:06,978 --> 00:29:09,708
<i>and when Carson said to me
"You're gonna be a star,"</i>

722
00:29:09,814 --> 00:29:12,510
my life changed.

723
00:29:20,525 --> 00:29:22,186
- And as they say
at Cape Canaveral,

724
00:29:22,293 --> 00:29:23,954
she took off like a rocket.

725
00:29:24,062 --> 00:29:27,828
<i>- The Tonight Show
was a pinnacle for Joan,</i>

726
00:29:27,932 --> 00:29:31,163
<i>and the more guest appearances
she got,</i>

727
00:29:31,269 --> 00:29:34,966
<i>either guesting with Johnny
or guest-hosting for Johnny,</i>

728
00:29:35,073 --> 00:29:36,563
<i>the bigger and stronger</i>

729
00:29:36,674 --> 00:29:39,370
the career was going
and building up and up and up.

730
00:29:39,477 --> 00:29:41,035
<i>And then eventually,
they made her</i>

731
00:29:41,146 --> 00:29:43,011
<i>the permanent guest host
of The Tonight Show,</i>

732
00:29:43,114 --> 00:29:44,945
<i>which was a big thing.</i>

733
00:29:48,019 --> 00:29:51,455
<i>- After 20 years
on The Tonight Show,</i>

734
00:29:51,556 --> 00:29:54,389
<i>FO X came and offered me
my own show,</i>

735
00:29:54,492 --> 00:29:56,551
<i>and Edgar
would be the producer.</i>

736
00:29:56,661 --> 00:29:59,926
<i>Of course we said yes.</i>

737
00:30:00,031 --> 00:30:03,762
<i>The first person I called
was Johnny Carson.</i>

738
00:30:03,868 --> 00:30:05,665
He slammed the phone down.
I called him again.

739
00:30:05,770 --> 00:30:09,103
He slammed it down again
and never spoke to me again.

740
00:30:09,207 --> 00:30:12,005
Ever.

741
00:30:12,110 --> 00:30:14,943
<i>I think he was furious.
He felt betrayed.</i>

742
00:30:15,046 --> 00:30:16,877
<i>I was now a competitor.</i>

743
00:30:16,981 --> 00:30:19,506
<i>He literally
had me blacklisted,</i>

744
00:30:19,617 --> 00:30:20,709
<i>and to this day,</i>

745
00:30:20,819 --> 00:30:25,483
<i>I have not been
on NBC Late Night ever.</i>

746
00:30:25,590 --> 00:30:29,788
- As she drove off the NBC lot,
she lost her confidence.

747
00:30:29,894 --> 00:30:32,829
<i>"Oh, my God,
what have I done?"</i>

748
00:30:32,931 --> 00:30:37,595
<i>It was such a bad period.</i>

749
00:30:37,702 --> 00:30:40,762
<i>- The Fox show, even before
we went on the air,</i>

750
00:30:40,872 --> 00:30:43,432
<i>was just a nightmare.</i>

751
00:30:43,541 --> 00:30:46,408
<i>Edgar did not like</i>

752
00:30:46,511 --> 00:30:48,706
<i>Rupert Murdoch
and Barry Diller,</i>

753
00:30:48,813 --> 00:30:52,249
<i>and from the day we walked in,</i>

754
00:30:52,350 --> 00:30:54,910
<i>there were fights
about everything,</i>

755
00:30:55,019 --> 00:30:56,111
<i>about whether we should have</i>

756
00:30:56,221 --> 00:30:57,620
<i>a Coke machine
or Pepsi machine,</i>

757
00:30:57,722 --> 00:31:00,156
<i>M&M's or Hershey Kisses.</i>

758
00:31:00,258 --> 00:31:03,227
<i>Finally, they called me in
on a Thursday night,</i>

759
00:31:03,328 --> 00:31:06,195
<i>and they said,
"You've got to fire Edgar."</i>

760
00:31:06,297 --> 00:31:07,355
I couldn't do it.

761
00:31:07,465 --> 00:31:09,262
I couldn't, uh...

762
00:31:09,367 --> 00:31:10,994
I couldn't-
couldn't do it.

763
00:31:11,102 --> 00:31:13,400
Couldn't-
couldn't do it.

764
00:31:15,607 --> 00:31:17,404
<i>- The woman who asked,
"Can we talk?"</i>

765
00:31:17,508 --> 00:31:19,032
<i>Joan Rivers,
is apparently through</i>

766
00:31:19,143 --> 00:31:22,544
<i>as permanent host
of her late-night talk show.</i>

767
00:31:22,647 --> 00:31:28,313
<i>- From there, Edgar imploded,
absolutely imploded.</i>

768
00:31:28,419 --> 00:31:31,183
<i>He didn't have Joan's strength.</i>

769
00:31:31,289 --> 00:31:34,258
<i>He didn't have it.</i>

770
00:31:34,359 --> 00:31:36,156
I got a call
from Gavin de Becker,

771
00:31:36,261 --> 00:31:39,253
who was his security company.

772
00:31:39,364 --> 00:31:40,797
They said, "Terrible news."

773
00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:42,059
"Yes?"

774
00:31:42,166 --> 00:31:46,500
"Edgar killed himself
in Philadelphia."

775
00:31:46,604 --> 00:31:51,974
<i>- He left us high and dry.</i>

776
00:31:52,076 --> 00:31:55,341
<i>Everything just went
to smithereens.</i>

777
00:31:55,446 --> 00:32:01,282
<i>And he left me with no career
and a lot of debts,</i>

778
00:32:01,386 --> 00:32:03,581
because he wasn't
a good businessman,

779
00:32:03,688 --> 00:32:08,182
and, uh, a lot of tough times.

780
00:32:11,829 --> 00:32:15,390
<i>I walk past Edgar's pictures.</i>

781
00:32:15,500 --> 00:32:20,437
<i>I feel such sadness,
such darkness.</i>

782
00:32:25,977 --> 00:32:29,708
- First off, Mother,
I'm very, very angry at you.

783
00:32:29,814 --> 00:32:34,080
Since Daddy died, you have not
spent one minute at home.

784
00:32:34,185 --> 00:32:35,277
<i>- Melissa and I,</i>

785
00:32:35,386 --> 00:32:37,946
we started immediately
going into therapy,

786
00:32:38,056 --> 00:32:40,752
separately and together.

787
00:32:40,858 --> 00:32:45,022
<i>And then we did something
which sounds so sick.</i>

788
00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:48,496
<i>We did a movie
about Edgar's suicide</i>

789
00:32:48,599 --> 00:32:50,499
<i>where we played ourselves.</i>

790
00:32:50,601 --> 00:32:51,966
- Are you angry about something?

791
00:32:52,070 --> 00:32:53,731
- I'm angry about a lot
of things, okay?

792
00:32:53,838 --> 00:32:54,964
- Okay.

793
00:32:55,073 --> 00:32:57,633
<i>It sounds so stupid and corny,</i>

794
00:32:57,742 --> 00:33:01,371
<i>but I think by
walking through it again,</i>

795
00:33:01,479 --> 00:33:04,141
<i>it absolutely mended us,</i>

796
00:33:04,248 --> 00:33:07,775
<i>totally mended
the relationship.</i>

797
00:33:07,885 --> 00:33:09,546
<i>Don't ask, ; I'd have to go
to another doctor</i>

798
00:33:09,654 --> 00:33:10,586
<i>to figure that one out.</i>

799
00:33:10,688 --> 00:33:12,485
<i>[Laughs]</i>

800
00:33:15,226 --> 00:33:16,488
<i>Thank you.</i>

801
00:33:16,594 --> 00:33:18,084
- Thank you very much.

802
00:33:18,196 --> 00:33:19,254
- Thank you.
- Thanks again.

803
00:33:19,364 --> 00:33:21,389
- Lovely that you came.
Thank you.

804
00:33:21,499 --> 00:33:22,761
- I worship you.

805
00:33:22,867 --> 00:33:23,765
I worship you.

806
00:33:23,868 --> 00:33:25,335
- Get off your knees.

807
00:33:25,436 --> 00:33:27,404
- Joan.
Joan, oh, my God.

808
00:33:27,505 --> 00:33:31,703
Joan Rivers, everybody.
Please give her a clap.

809
00:33:31,809 --> 00:33:34,505
- Billy sent me this
for opening night.

810
00:33:34,612 --> 00:33:35,704
Wait, wait, wait.

811
00:33:35,813 --> 00:33:36,939
- Polly wants a fucking cracker.

812
00:33:37,048 --> 00:33:38,709
Give Polly
a fucking cracker now!

813
00:33:38,816 --> 00:33:40,613
Squawk!

814
00:33:40,718 --> 00:33:41,742
- Old lady on the cover.

815
00:33:41,853 --> 00:33:42,911
[Laughs]

816
00:33:43,021 --> 00:33:44,989
Young people,
young festival,

817
00:33:45,089 --> 00:33:46,488
young idea, old lady.

818
00:33:46,591 --> 00:33:49,185
- Hold on.

819
00:33:49,293 --> 00:33:50,419
Get ready.

820
00:33:50,528 --> 00:33:51,552
"Hottest ticket."

821
00:33:51,662 --> 00:33:52,720
Isn't it great?

822
00:33:52,830 --> 00:33:53,762
And the front page.

823
00:33:53,865 --> 00:33:54,797
- Oh.

824
00:33:54,899 --> 00:33:57,834
[Cheers and applause]

825
00:33:58,936 --> 00:34:00,767
[Cheers and applause]

826
00:34:01,773 --> 00:34:03,934
[Cheers and applause]

827
00:34:04,042 --> 00:34:07,978
The play went beyond
my wildest dreams in Edinburgh.

828
00:34:08,079 --> 00:34:10,877
We had great reviews,
the audiences adored it,

829
00:34:10,982 --> 00:34:13,177
but who knows what's going
to happen in London.

830
00:34:13,284 --> 00:34:14,876
It can turn on a dime.

831
00:34:17,989 --> 00:34:19,581
<i>[Police siren wails]</i>

832
00:34:19,690 --> 00:34:21,180
<i>Now where are we?</i>

833
00:34:21,292 --> 00:34:23,556
- Oh, the signage is going up.
Look, your canopy is going up.

834
00:34:23,661 --> 00:34:26,255
- Oh, isn't that sweet?
All right.

835
00:34:26,364 --> 00:34:29,299
<i>This is where we'll make
the decision for me</i>

836
00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:32,096
<i>whether or not I'm gonna try
to bring it to New York.</i>

837
00:34:32,203 --> 00:34:33,693
Oh, If the reviews are bad,
we're dead.

838
00:34:33,805 --> 00:34:35,102
We finished it.
It was wonderful.

839
00:34:35,206 --> 00:34:37,606
But it will not go to New York.

840
00:34:37,708 --> 00:34:38,936
- Joan, this is
Graham McCluskey,

841
00:34:39,043 --> 00:34:40,010
your lighting designer.

842
00:34:40,111 --> 00:34:41,169
- Thank God.

843
00:34:41,279 --> 00:34:43,804
Soft pink.
I don't care what it says.

844
00:34:43,915 --> 00:34:46,383
<i>- Joan didn't want to open
the play in New York or L.A.,</i>

845
00:34:46,484 --> 00:34:48,611
because even if it's great,

846
00:34:48,719 --> 00:34:52,018
they will not give her
the kudos that it's great

847
00:34:52,123 --> 00:34:53,715
because of who she is,

848
00:34:53,825 --> 00:35:00,355
<i>that there's nothing she can do
that will be industry-embraced.</i>

849
00:35:00,465 --> 00:35:01,659
- How much does it hold?

850
00:35:01,766 --> 00:35:03,393
- Uh, 393...

851
00:35:03,501 --> 00:35:04,525
- So it's 400.

852
00:35:04,635 --> 00:35:06,193
- Yes, of course.

853
00:35:06,304 --> 00:35:08,568
<i>- I have never been
the critics' darling.</i>

854
00:35:08,673 --> 00:35:11,107
I've always been
considered a comic

855
00:35:11,209 --> 00:35:15,578
and a Borscht Belt comic
or a Vegas comic or-

856
00:35:15,680 --> 00:35:17,910
there's always an adjective
before my name,

857
00:35:18,015 --> 00:35:22,452
and it's never a nice adjective.

858
00:35:22,553 --> 00:35:24,783
<i>I go back to Fun City,</i>

859
00:35:24,889 --> 00:35:27,585
<i>which was
my first play in 1973,</i>

860
00:35:27,692 --> 00:35:31,025
<i>and they were-
they were very harsh to it.</i>

861
00:35:33,397 --> 00:35:35,024
<i>It was a horrible experience,</i>

862
00:35:35,133 --> 00:35:37,693
<i>and I will not go
through that again.</i>

863
00:35:37,802 --> 00:35:39,702
<i>I mean, I moved us
out of New York.</i>

864
00:35:39,804 --> 00:35:41,704
<i>I said, "When that play closes,
we're out of here, "</i>

865
00:35:41,806 --> 00:35:44,138
<i>and we moved
right after Fun City.</i>

866
00:35:48,412 --> 00:35:52,007
<i>I just think they're not going
to like us, and, uh...</i>

867
00:35:52,116 --> 00:35:55,608
but I didn't spend all this time
and all this energy

868
00:35:55,720 --> 00:35:57,153
to have this close.

869
00:35:57,255 --> 00:36:00,554
And it breaks my heart
to see it die here.

870
00:36:00,658 --> 00:36:01,886
- It won't die here.

871
00:36:01,993 --> 00:36:04,223
- That's-that's-
only that's killing me.

872
00:36:04,328 --> 00:36:05,454
And I was thinking-

873
00:36:05,563 --> 00:36:07,030
- All right, you're not going
to lose it.

874
00:36:07,131 --> 00:36:08,564
We won't let this go.

875
00:36:08,666 --> 00:36:13,000
And I know it's your w-
your work of love.

876
00:36:13,104 --> 00:36:14,867
- I really think it's good.
I really think...

877
00:36:14,972 --> 00:36:16,564
- I know.

878
00:36:16,674 --> 00:36:20,337
Okay.
Onward and upward.

879
00:36:20,444 --> 00:36:21,570
- Oh!

880
00:36:21,679 --> 00:36:23,112
Hello, press!

881
00:36:23,214 --> 00:36:25,205
Be kind.
Not too close.

882
00:36:25,316 --> 00:36:27,784
Thank you.
Hello.

883
00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:30,212
I'm very nervous.

884
00:36:30,321 --> 00:36:32,016
I don't like opening nights.

885
00:36:32,123 --> 00:36:34,353
I think you should celebrate
second nights

886
00:36:34,458 --> 00:36:36,483
when you're a success.

887
00:36:36,594 --> 00:36:39,154
I think anyone that celebrates
opening nights is a fool,

888
00:36:39,263 --> 00:36:41,663
because you're not-that's-

889
00:36:41,766 --> 00:36:44,929
the opening night is your walk
to the executioner.

890
00:36:45,036 --> 00:36:49,803
So I will be very, very happy
tomorrow if all goes well,

891
00:36:49,907 --> 00:36:51,397
and very smug,

892
00:36:51,509 --> 00:36:54,205
and I will throw some diva scene
about something

893
00:36:54,312 --> 00:36:56,872
when I know I have the power.

894
00:36:56,981 --> 00:36:58,846
Right now, I don't know
if have the power.

895
00:36:58,950 --> 00:37:00,247
[Laughs]

896
00:37:00,351 --> 00:37:02,581
[People murmuring]

897
00:37:02,687 --> 00:37:03,847
<i>- You got enough glitter?</i>

898
00:37:03,955 --> 00:37:04,853
- Yes.

899
00:37:04,956 --> 00:37:05,945
- Okay.

900
00:37:06,057 --> 00:37:07,388
- Oh, God, yes.

901
00:37:07,491 --> 00:37:08,549
- Plenty.

902
00:37:08,659 --> 00:37:10,957
- Plenty of glitter.

903
00:37:13,998 --> 00:37:16,899
<i>[Dramatic music]</i>

904
00:37:17,001 --> 00:37:22,303
[Music continues]

905
00:37:22,406 --> 00:37:25,398
<i>[upbeat orchestral music]</i>

906
00:37:25,509 --> 00:37:26,806
[Music continues]

907
00:37:26,911 --> 00:37:29,778
Oh, shut that stupid bitch up.

908
00:37:29,880 --> 00:37:32,041
Jesus!

909
00:37:32,149 --> 00:37:35,414
[Applause]

910
00:37:35,519 --> 00:37:37,419
At the end of the show,
Johnny Carson,

911
00:37:37,521 --> 00:37:39,352
on the air,
turned to me and said,

912
00:37:39,457 --> 00:37:40,685
"You're going to be a star."

913
00:37:40,791 --> 00:37:43,089
Vaginas drop.

914
00:37:43,194 --> 00:37:45,094
I did not know this.

915
00:37:45,196 --> 00:37:46,595
I am 75 years old,

916
00:37:46,697 --> 00:37:48,187
and I tell you,
I haven't peaked.

917
00:37:48,299 --> 00:37:51,063
And that is why I'm going to go
out that door

918
00:37:51,168 --> 00:37:54,069
and the door after that
and the door after that

919
00:37:54,171 --> 00:37:56,366
and the door after that
and the door after that,

920
00:37:56,474 --> 00:37:58,738
and I invite all of you.

921
00:37:58,843 --> 00:37:59,969
Come with me!

922
00:38:00,077 --> 00:38:01,169
Thank you.

923
00:38:01,279 --> 00:38:07,275
[Cheers and applause]

924
00:38:10,254 --> 00:38:11,653
Whoa.

925
00:38:11,756 --> 00:38:13,621
Okay.

926
00:38:13,724 --> 00:38:15,351
<i>- That was pretty
extraordinary.</i>

927
00:38:15,459 --> 00:38:17,450
<i>All stood up right at the end.</i>

928
00:38:17,561 --> 00:38:19,927
In America, if this goes out
in America,

929
00:38:20,031 --> 00:38:22,693
we love you, but you do stand up
all the time

930
00:38:22,800 --> 00:38:24,199
at the end of shows whether-

931
00:38:24,302 --> 00:38:26,270
you know, like you're
supposed to or something.

932
00:38:26,370 --> 00:38:28,736
Here, they don't,
except for this show.

933
00:38:28,839 --> 00:38:31,535
- What a triumph!

934
00:38:31,642 --> 00:38:33,507
- Not a triumph
till we read the papers.

935
00:38:33,611 --> 00:38:35,169
- I know a triumph
when I see one.

936
00:38:35,279 --> 00:38:36,803
- Tonight was a triumph.

937
00:38:36,914 --> 00:38:38,745
- I've never laughed so much.

938
00:38:38,849 --> 00:38:39,747
- Thank you very much.

939
00:38:39,850 --> 00:38:40,874
Sorry to bother you.

940
00:38:40,985 --> 00:38:42,145
- You're not bothering me.

941
00:38:42,253 --> 00:38:43,720
- I thought you were brilliant.

942
00:38:43,821 --> 00:38:45,812
- Are you feeling all the love
that we have here for you?

943
00:38:45,923 --> 00:38:47,288
- No.

944
00:38:47,391 --> 00:38:49,188
We'll feel it tomorrow
after the reviews.

945
00:38:49,293 --> 00:38:52,421
You were such a nice audience.
Thank you.

946
00:38:52,530 --> 00:38:53,690
Now, let me ask you,

947
00:38:53,798 --> 00:38:55,356
when will we
find out about the reviews?

948
00:38:55,466 --> 00:38:56,899
- Tomorrow morning first thing.

949
00:38:57,001 --> 00:38:59,697
I'm pretty sure they're
going to be fantastic.

950
00:39:01,972 --> 00:39:03,371
- And what does it say?

951
00:39:03,474 --> 00:39:06,910
- "Comedy, tragedy, surgery,
and Rivers isn't going quietly."

952
00:39:07,011 --> 00:39:08,205
- Okay.

953
00:39:08,312 --> 00:39:10,610
- "If the energy dips slightly
towards the end,

954
00:39:10,715 --> 00:39:13,206
that is understandable
given the star's age."

955
00:39:13,317 --> 00:39:17,913
- They only gave me three stars
out of five.

956
00:39:18,022 --> 00:39:20,115
- Okay, Leicester Square.

957
00:39:20,224 --> 00:39:21,589
"All this play-acting
is an excuse

958
00:39:21,692 --> 00:39:23,125
"for a night of 'Me, me' Joan.

959
00:39:23,227 --> 00:39:24,854
"She is not short on self-pity,

960
00:39:24,962 --> 00:39:26,520
"and a passage
about her relationship

961
00:39:26,630 --> 00:39:28,894
"with her daughter
is pretty low-grade schmaltz,

962
00:39:28,999 --> 00:39:30,193
mind you."

963
00:39:30,301 --> 00:39:31,199
- It's so wrong.

964
00:39:31,302 --> 00:39:32,530
It ends in a joke, you ass.

965
00:39:32,636 --> 00:39:33,864
- Exactly, that's why;

966
00:39:33,971 --> 00:39:35,370
he's just not getting
the theater.

967
00:39:35,473 --> 00:39:38,408
"Longer exposure to her
even in a small theater

968
00:39:38,509 --> 00:39:40,670
"betrays a husky weakness
of voice

969
00:39:40,778 --> 00:39:44,714
that some may find monotonous."

970
00:39:44,815 --> 00:39:45,782
- And I'm thinking, Joce,

971
00:39:45,883 --> 00:39:47,373
do I want to take this
into New York?

972
00:39:47,485 --> 00:39:49,419
Do I want to sit in a taxi
in New York in six months

973
00:39:49,520 --> 00:39:51,545
and hear this
and see this again?

974
00:39:51,655 --> 00:39:53,384
I don't know.
- Yeah.

975
00:39:53,491 --> 00:39:56,016
- I don't know, Jocelyn.

976
00:39:56,127 --> 00:39:57,958
I don't know.

977
00:39:58,996 --> 00:40:00,395
I don't know.

978
00:40:04,835 --> 00:40:08,236
<i>I am not going to walk in
to New York City</i>

979
00:40:08,339 --> 00:40:11,775
<i>and be hurt the way
Fun City hurt me.</i>

980
00:40:11,876 --> 00:40:17,075
<i>My acting is my one
sacred thing in my life,</i>

981
00:40:17,181 --> 00:40:21,515
<i>and I will not have anyone
hurt me with that.</i>

982
00:40:21,619 --> 00:40:23,553
You can say
I'm not a good comedian.

983
00:40:23,654 --> 00:40:24,916
It doesn't bother me.

984
00:40:25,022 --> 00:40:28,116
You say you didn't like me
as an actress,

985
00:40:28,225 --> 00:40:29,692
you've killed me.

986
00:40:29,794 --> 00:40:31,455
And I don't want that
in New York.

987
00:40:32,930 --> 00:40:34,795
<i>But I know I'm an actress.</i>

988
00:40:34,899 --> 00:40:36,366
<i>It's all about acting.</i>

989
00:40:36,467 --> 00:40:39,732
<i>My career
is an actress's career,</i>

990
00:40:39,837 --> 00:40:43,500
<i>and I play a comedian.</i>

991
00:40:43,607 --> 00:40:47,907
<i>So it's over.
It's over.</i>

992
00:40:48,012 --> 00:40:52,005
<i>No one will ever take me
seriously as an actress.</i>

993
00:41:03,327 --> 00:41:04,294
- Don't be downhearted.

994
00:41:04,395 --> 00:41:05,760
Are you downhearted?

995
00:41:05,863 --> 00:41:07,797
- I'm not down-I'm just...

996
00:41:07,898 --> 00:41:10,025
It's not what I thought
was going to happen.

997
00:41:10,134 --> 00:41:12,329
What I thought was going
to happen was,

998
00:41:12,436 --> 00:41:14,370
we were going to sail in
from Edinburgh,

999
00:41:14,472 --> 00:41:16,269
everyone was going to love it,

1000
00:41:16,373 --> 00:41:18,034
and then we were going to pick
our producer

1001
00:41:18,142 --> 00:41:20,576
and then move it forward
and then change it,

1002
00:41:20,678 --> 00:41:22,612
but not this, like-

1003
00:41:22,713 --> 00:41:24,305
and of course,
there's no Billy around.

1004
00:41:24,415 --> 00:41:26,713
Billy is never around
in trouble.

1005
00:41:26,817 --> 00:41:29,342
And this is in trouble,
you know.

1006
00:41:29,453 --> 00:41:30,852
Anyhow...

1007
00:41:36,060 --> 00:41:38,824
<i>The play is over,
and it hurts very much,</i>

1008
00:41:38,929 --> 00:41:42,421
<i>but I got to take a deep breath
and start again.</i>

1009
00:41:47,071 --> 00:41:50,006
[Jet engine roars]

1010
00:41:50,107 --> 00:41:53,008
<i>[Pensive music]</i>

1011
00:41:53,110 --> 00:41:57,604
[Music continues]

1012
00:41:57,715 --> 00:41:59,808
<i>It wouldn't kill you
to get me another commercial.</i>

1013
00:41:59,917 --> 00:42:03,045
Just remember, when they
come in and ask for a man,

1014
00:42:03,153 --> 00:42:05,053
I can be very butch.

1015
00:42:05,155 --> 00:42:06,087
- [Laughs]

1016
00:42:06,190 --> 00:42:07,418
So she'll do anything

1017
00:42:07,525 --> 00:42:10,358
and really get into it
like she loves it.

1018
00:42:10,461 --> 00:42:11,860
<i>- Okay.</i>

1019
00:42:11,962 --> 00:42:13,520
- Okay, well, if nobody
has anything else,

1020
00:42:13,631 --> 00:42:15,155
I'm very depressed.

1021
00:42:15,266 --> 00:42:16,927
- Bye.

1022
00:42:17,034 --> 00:42:19,025
<i>- Bye, Steve.
- Okay, bye.</i>

1023
00:42:24,441 --> 00:42:25,738
<i>- I don't want to retire.</i>

1024
00:42:25,843 --> 00:42:27,811
<i>I don't want to go
and sit in the sun.</i>

1025
00:42:27,912 --> 00:42:29,675
I don't want to go and learn
to garden.

1026
00:42:29,780 --> 00:42:32,840
I paint.
Who cares?

1027
00:42:32,950 --> 00:42:35,077
[Phone beeping]

1028
00:42:35,185 --> 00:42:36,413
- Hello, Emily Hope.

1029
00:42:36,520 --> 00:42:38,351
<i>- Hi, guys.
Pleasure to meet you.</i>

1030
00:42:38,455 --> 00:42:40,787
<i>Explain to us
what you're offering.</i>

1031
00:42:47,264 --> 00:42:49,425
- Yes.

1032
00:42:52,336 --> 00:42:53,803
- I will do anything.

1033
00:42:53,904 --> 00:42:57,533
I will knock my teeth out
and do DentAssure

1034
00:42:57,641 --> 00:42:58,539
or whatever it is.

1035
00:42:58,642 --> 00:43:00,041
- I mean, she's done...

1036
00:43:00,144 --> 00:43:01,805
- I will wear a diaper.
I don't give a shit.

1037
00:43:01,912 --> 00:43:03,345
I think I should...

1038
00:43:03,447 --> 00:43:07,679
<i>- Joan has a fanaticism,
a maniacal focus to succeed,</i>

1039
00:43:07,785 --> 00:43:10,811
<i>and works at it every day.</i>

1040
00:43:10,921 --> 00:43:12,115
I remember once meeting

1041
00:43:12,222 --> 00:43:13,519
with Richard Pryor,

1042
00:43:13,624 --> 00:43:14,955
and I sat with him

1043
00:43:15,059 --> 00:43:17,050
and spent an hour with him,

1044
00:43:17,161 --> 00:43:19,288
about his career,
and I said "Okay, Richard,

1045
00:43:19,396 --> 00:43:20,658
"what we're going to do is,

1046
00:43:20,764 --> 00:43:22,459
"we're gonna do this,
we're going to do that,

1047
00:43:22,566 --> 00:43:24,659
"and we're gonna plan on this,
and then in the next year,

1048
00:43:24,768 --> 00:43:26,702
we're going to do this,
and we're going to do that."

1049
00:43:26,804 --> 00:43:27,998
And he looked at me,
and he says,

1050
00:43:28,105 --> 00:43:29,129
"Larry, that's all great,

1051
00:43:29,239 --> 00:43:31,434
but what the fuck
do we do Monday?"

1052
00:43:31,542 --> 00:43:33,373
That's where Joan is:

1053
00:43:33,477 --> 00:43:36,708
"What the fuck do we
do Monday?"

1054
00:43:38,015 --> 00:43:39,312
- What is this?

1055
00:43:39,416 --> 00:43:41,384
- That's my thing.
I've been reading.

1056
00:43:41,485 --> 00:43:44,511
I am holding dossiers
of all the people

1057
00:43:44,622 --> 00:43:47,216
<i>for the Celebrity Apprentice</i>

1058
00:43:47,324 --> 00:43:50,225
that we pulled off
of the internet.

1059
00:43:50,327 --> 00:43:53,990
"Brande."
B-R-A-N-D-E.

1060
00:43:54,098 --> 00:43:55,998
"Turn-ons:
Taking in a good movie

1061
00:43:56,100 --> 00:43:58,227
"while spending time
with loved ones

1062
00:43:58,335 --> 00:44:00,462
and my beautiful puppy,
Mercedes."

1063
00:44:00,571 --> 00:44:02,004
- Aww.

1064
00:44:02,106 --> 00:44:04,267
"Turn-offs: Negative people
who are unkind

1065
00:44:04,375 --> 00:44:06,138
and have no respect
for others."

1066
00:44:06,243 --> 00:44:07,471
Well, she's going to hate me.

1067
00:44:07,578 --> 00:44:09,102
- Yeah, exactly.

1068
00:44:09,213 --> 00:44:10,510
<i>- I'm doing
Celebrity Apprentice</i>

1069
00:44:10,614 --> 00:44:13,447
<i>because it's face time on NBC</i>

1070
00:44:13,550 --> 00:44:18,351
and NBC has not let me be on NBC
since the Carson show.

1071
00:44:18,455 --> 00:44:21,720
- I didn't want her to do it.
She didn't want to do it.

1072
00:44:21,825 --> 00:44:23,588
I thought it was F-class people,

1073
00:44:23,694 --> 00:44:29,428
but it is face time,
prime-time network.

1074
00:44:29,533 --> 00:44:32,730
- And I think they'd be stupid
to put me off

1075
00:44:32,836 --> 00:44:35,737
the first four shows.

1076
00:44:35,839 --> 00:44:40,208
But I may be very free
the second half of October.

1077
00:44:40,310 --> 00:44:42,972
I think they're not going
to throw me off in the beginning

1078
00:44:43,080 --> 00:44:46,743
because I'm the only one
kind of that's a name.

1079
00:44:46,850 --> 00:44:49,512
Even though Donald says,
"These internationally known"-

1080
00:44:49,620 --> 00:44:50,780
- "Entrepreneurs."

1081
00:44:50,888 --> 00:44:53,914
- "Entrepreneur-celebrities."

1082
00:44:54,024 --> 00:44:55,582
- And you know, Billy,
I'm going to say that

1083
00:44:55,693 --> 00:44:56,819
in the press release,

1084
00:44:56,927 --> 00:44:59,293
that I was told that Paul Newman
was going to be...

1085
00:44:59,396 --> 00:45:00,954
[laughter]

1086
00:45:01,065 --> 00:45:04,796
<i>I am actually very excited
about Celebrity Apprentice,</i>

1087
00:45:04,902 --> 00:45:06,233
<i>because Melissa, my daughter,</i>

1088
00:45:06,336 --> 00:45:08,201
<i>is going to be
on the show with me,</i>

1089
00:45:08,305 --> 00:45:11,570
<i>which means we'll have a lot
of time to spend together.</i>

1090
00:45:13,143 --> 00:45:14,542
You haven't had
your hair done yet?

1091
00:45:14,645 --> 00:45:15,634
- No.

1092
00:45:15,746 --> 00:45:17,941
- Jesus fucking Christ, Melissa.

1093
00:45:18,048 --> 00:45:19,276
- Why?
It's fine.

1094
00:45:19,383 --> 00:45:20,350
- You've got 40 minutes.

1095
00:45:20,451 --> 00:45:22,146
- That's more than enough.

1096
00:45:22,252 --> 00:45:23,549
- All right,
let me move over here.

1097
00:45:23,654 --> 00:45:24,814
- That's more than enough, Mom.

1098
00:45:24,922 --> 00:45:26,787
- No, it's not.
- For my hair, yes, it is.

1099
00:45:26,890 --> 00:45:29,484
- All right.
Whatever.

1100
00:45:29,593 --> 00:45:32,084
<i>Melissa red-eyed in
from L.A. This morning</i>

1101
00:45:32,196 --> 00:45:35,654
<i>and we start taping
Celebrity Apprentice tonight.</i>

1102
00:45:37,267 --> 00:45:39,497
You got to stop smoking
immediately.

1103
00:45:39,603 --> 00:45:42,128
I went to a pulmonary guy today.

1104
00:45:42,239 --> 00:45:43,536
What?
Am I boring you?

1105
00:45:43,640 --> 00:45:44,732
- No, no, no.
I'm listening.

1106
00:45:44,842 --> 00:45:46,241
I brought all my gum with me.

1107
00:45:46,343 --> 00:45:47,742
I'm down to, like,
two or three a day.

1108
00:45:47,845 --> 00:45:48,869
That's it.

1109
00:45:48,979 --> 00:45:49,911
- I'm telling you...

1110
00:45:50,013 --> 00:45:51,173
- I know, but that's, you know-

1111
00:45:51,281 --> 00:45:52,680
be supportive
that I'm down to that.

1112
00:45:52,783 --> 00:45:55,581
- He said women
react differently

1113
00:45:55,686 --> 00:45:57,779
to cigarettes than men.

1114
00:45:57,888 --> 00:45:59,947
- All I'm saying is, I'm down
to, like, two, three a day.

1115
00:46:00,057 --> 00:46:01,752
- He said more women
are dying of lung cancer

1116
00:46:01,859 --> 00:46:03,224
than breast cancer.

1117
00:46:03,327 --> 00:46:04,954
And nobody's discussing it.

1118
00:46:05,062 --> 00:46:06,620
So that's very interesting.

1119
00:46:06,730 --> 00:46:08,595
- Well, I'm down to, like,
two, three, a day, so...

1120
00:46:08,699 --> 00:46:10,132
- Yeah, but I'm just
telling you...

1121
00:46:10,234 --> 00:46:12,259
- I'm just saying I know.
- You're really loading a gun.

1122
00:46:12,369 --> 00:46:14,303
- I know, but I'm just saying,
at least be supportive

1123
00:46:14,404 --> 00:46:15,496
that I've gotten down to that.

1124
00:46:15,606 --> 00:46:18,939
- He scared the bejesus
out of me.

1125
00:46:21,078 --> 00:46:22,272
<i>The great pressure is,</i>

1126
00:46:22,379 --> 00:46:25,109
<i>what if she gets voted off
ahead of me?</i>

1127
00:46:25,215 --> 00:46:27,376
<i>It's going to be
very traumatic.</i>

1128
00:46:27,484 --> 00:46:30,749
<i>I would rather
I get voted off ahead of her.</i>

1129
00:46:30,854 --> 00:46:36,053
I know that
I will always hold back.

1130
00:46:36,160 --> 00:46:39,789
I know that and so...

1131
00:46:39,897 --> 00:46:42,798
because I don't want ever
to come out

1132
00:46:42,900 --> 00:46:45,300
brighter than Melissa
and smarter than Melissa.

1133
00:46:45,402 --> 00:46:47,029
I just don't want-

1134
00:46:47,137 --> 00:46:49,628
I don't compete with her
on that level.

1135
00:46:49,740 --> 00:46:53,471
- I believe that consciously
she would believe that,

1136
00:46:53,577 --> 00:46:58,276
and then even if I did win,
she would say she held back,

1137
00:46:58,382 --> 00:47:00,942
but I don't think
she really could.

1138
00:47:01,051 --> 00:47:04,111
- Okay, see you later.

1139
00:47:04,221 --> 00:47:07,088
<i>- In the business,
you have to put yourself first.</i>

1140
00:47:07,191 --> 00:47:09,284
<i>You got to protect yourself.</i>

1141
00:47:09,393 --> 00:47:13,727
<i>And my mother will tell you
that she only wants me to win,</i>

1142
00:47:13,831 --> 00:47:15,890
<i>but then she'll do something
without realizing it</i>

1143
00:47:15,999 --> 00:47:17,864
<i>that is very destructive.</i>

1144
00:47:17,968 --> 00:47:20,528
And I think it's
a very tough dynamic,

1145
00:47:20,637 --> 00:47:22,104
because I truly think

1146
00:47:22,206 --> 00:47:23,833
it's completely subconscious
with her.

1147
00:47:26,844 --> 00:47:27,776
Will you open that?

1148
00:47:27,878 --> 00:47:29,106
- Okay.

1149
00:47:29,213 --> 00:47:30,646
- That's a nice
Dooney and Bourke bag.

1150
00:47:30,747 --> 00:47:32,237
- These are
very nice goodie bags.

1151
00:47:32,349 --> 00:47:33,281
- Yeah.

1152
00:47:33,383 --> 00:47:35,044
- I feel very out of place.

1153
00:47:35,152 --> 00:47:37,677
I'm the oldest by far.

1154
00:47:37,788 --> 00:47:39,255
They all were talking
and chatty,

1155
00:47:39,356 --> 00:47:41,449
and for a long time,
I stood by myself,

1156
00:47:41,558 --> 00:47:43,389
and I felt very isolated.

1157
00:47:43,493 --> 00:47:46,018
- Well, see, I think you also
bring a lot of that on yourself.

1158
00:47:46,129 --> 00:47:48,529
I think you don't make any-
like tonight,

1159
00:47:48,632 --> 00:47:51,260
you made no effort to be,
like, welcoming.

1160
00:47:51,368 --> 00:47:52,300
- I stood there-

1161
00:47:52,402 --> 00:47:53,426
- Well, no, but I'm saying,

1162
00:47:53,537 --> 00:47:55,004
but you were
on your BlackBerry so fast,

1163
00:47:55,105 --> 00:47:56,538
and I tried to introduce you
to people,

1164
00:47:56,640 --> 00:47:57,607
and you were already like,

1165
00:47:57,708 --> 00:47:59,073
"Uh, hi, bye,"
because you get so shy,

1166
00:47:59,176 --> 00:48:00,939
and that's what people
don't know about you.

1167
00:48:01,044 --> 00:48:02,511
Hell, I wouldn't walk
over to you.

1168
00:48:02,613 --> 00:48:03,875
- Well, they didn't.

1169
00:48:03,981 --> 00:48:05,846
- But you made-
but you set it up for that.

1170
00:48:05,949 --> 00:48:07,382
You don't realize
that you do that...

1171
00:48:07,484 --> 00:48:11,648
<i>All stand-ups
are innately insecure.</i>

1172
00:48:11,755 --> 00:48:16,590
Who would stand on a stage
by themselves and say, "Laugh"?

1173
00:48:16,693 --> 00:48:18,183
"Laugh at me.
Laugh with me.

1174
00:48:18,295 --> 00:48:20,195
I don't care.
Just laugh."

1175
00:48:20,297 --> 00:48:22,891
And I think that's just sort of
the nature of the beast.

1176
00:48:23,000 --> 00:48:25,696
Overall, I just-
sort of my perception

1177
00:48:25,802 --> 00:48:27,326
growing up in the world
of comedians:

1178
00:48:27,437 --> 00:48:30,702
They're all very damaged,
and they need that reassurance.

1179
00:48:30,807 --> 00:48:34,299
It's all a cover.

1180
00:48:35,946 --> 00:48:39,279
- It's been a bloodbath.

1181
00:48:39,383 --> 00:48:41,977
They don't play fair.

1182
00:48:42,085 --> 00:48:43,518
They cheat.

1183
00:48:43,620 --> 00:48:46,680
- So Melissa was fired,
um, on Tuesday,

1184
00:48:46,790 --> 00:48:49,258
<i>and I know Joan was very upset.</i>

1185
00:48:49,359 --> 00:48:51,589
- She is a snake.

1186
00:48:51,695 --> 00:48:54,095
<i>- Annie Duke was on a team
with Melissa</i>

1187
00:48:54,197 --> 00:48:58,827
<i>and absolutely conspired
to get Melissa fired.</i>

1188
00:48:58,936 --> 00:49:02,269
- Annie Douche,
that fucking moron.

1189
00:49:02,372 --> 00:49:03,999
Would you right now, Graham,

1190
00:49:04,107 --> 00:49:06,871
onto my blog
and onto my Twitter,

1191
00:49:06,977 --> 00:49:08,706
it should be,
"Annie Douche, that moron,

1192
00:49:08,812 --> 00:49:10,507
she should kiss my ass."

1193
00:49:10,614 --> 00:49:12,241
She should kiss my Jewish ass,

1194
00:49:12,349 --> 00:49:14,442
but not with those
non-kosher lips.

1195
00:49:14,551 --> 00:49:16,542
[Laughter]

1196
00:49:16,653 --> 00:49:18,280
Not with those big pig lips.

1197
00:49:18,388 --> 00:49:20,288
That's it:
"She should kiss my Jewish ass,

1198
00:49:20,390 --> 00:49:22,017
but not with those
big pig lips."

1199
00:49:23,593 --> 00:49:26,721
Do you think that's too rough?

1200
00:49:26,830 --> 00:49:29,697
So tell me, you didn't think it
was going to get vicious?

1201
00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:31,495
- No, I just thought
it was at least going to be

1202
00:49:31,601 --> 00:49:32,727
moderately fair.

1203
00:49:32,836 --> 00:49:36,795
And my concern is
how I will be portrayed

1204
00:49:36,907 --> 00:49:39,808
because I have more of
an image issue than you do.

1205
00:49:39,910 --> 00:49:43,402
So that's a little unsettling.

1206
00:49:43,513 --> 00:49:45,105
- It meant you're going
to look very angry,

1207
00:49:45,215 --> 00:49:46,580
and they already said,
when you left

1208
00:49:46,683 --> 00:49:48,310
you really called them
all kinds of names.

1209
00:49:48,418 --> 00:49:49,783
So that's there.

1210
00:49:49,886 --> 00:49:52,184
- But if they cut it to show
that I was telling the truth...

1211
00:49:52,289 --> 00:49:53,813
- Oh, they're not going
to cut it to show

1212
00:49:53,924 --> 00:49:55,915
you were telling the truth,
'cause they don't care.

1213
00:49:56,026 --> 00:49:57,823
They're going to show
that you left pissed off.

1214
00:49:57,928 --> 00:49:59,953
But you also came back,
and you also worked,

1215
00:50:00,063 --> 00:50:01,894
and you also-
that's all right.

1216
00:50:01,999 --> 00:50:03,466
I think it makes you
more interesting,

1217
00:50:03,567 --> 00:50:06,764
Melissa, frankly.

1218
00:50:06,870 --> 00:50:08,394
- You have done
really an amazing job,

1219
00:50:08,505 --> 00:50:09,995
but, Melissa, you're fired.

1220
00:50:10,107 --> 00:50:11,131
- Whore!
Pit viper.

1221
00:50:11,241 --> 00:50:13,505
I want my [bleep],
and I want it now.

1222
00:50:13,610 --> 00:50:17,376
Not getting without it.

1223
00:50:17,481 --> 00:50:21,076
<i>- It makes me very upset
to see her that hurt.</i>

1224
00:50:21,184 --> 00:50:23,243
<i>It wasn't even hurt.</i>

1225
00:50:23,353 --> 00:50:26,789
It was the frustration
of the lies.

1226
00:50:26,890 --> 00:50:30,018
<i>It is such a cruel business.</i>

1227
00:50:30,127 --> 00:50:31,924
<i>Sometimes, I just want
to say to her,</i>

1228
00:50:32,029 --> 00:50:33,997
<i>"Why in God's name
are you opening yourself up</i>

1229
00:50:34,097 --> 00:50:36,725
<i>to such punishment?"</i>

1230
00:50:36,833 --> 00:50:38,926
I mean, mine is not a choice.

1231
00:50:39,036 --> 00:50:40,503
Mine is, uh...

1232
00:50:40,604 --> 00:50:42,367
Mine is-I always say,
it's like, uh-

1233
00:50:42,472 --> 00:50:44,030
people say, "Why are you
in the business?"

1234
00:50:44,141 --> 00:50:45,836
Ask a nun why she's a nun.

1235
00:50:45,942 --> 00:50:48,536
That's my drive at 4:00
in the morning in the airport.

1236
00:50:48,645 --> 00:50:50,840
It's-I have no choice.

1237
00:50:50,947 --> 00:50:52,915
And that's where I was
from the time

1238
00:50:53,016 --> 00:50:54,984
I could figure it out.

1239
00:50:55,085 --> 00:50:58,179
No question where I was going.

1240
00:50:58,288 --> 00:51:00,119
There were no drugs.
There was no sex.

1241
00:51:00,223 --> 00:51:03,784
There was no any-
nothing until I got my job.

1242
00:51:03,894 --> 00:51:07,853
That's where I was going,
and just go away.

1243
00:51:12,369 --> 00:51:16,533
<i>[Sirens wailing]</i>

1244
00:51:16,640 --> 00:51:19,541
<i>[Light guitar music]</i>

1245
00:51:19,643 --> 00:51:27,140
[Music continues]

1246
00:51:27,250 --> 00:51:29,445
Mohammed, it's going to be
a long evening.

1247
00:51:29,553 --> 00:51:31,453
We're doing two shows tonight.

1248
00:51:31,555 --> 00:51:32,988
- Joan Rivers?
- Yes?

1249
00:51:33,090 --> 00:51:34,580
- Do you mind autographing this
for me?

1250
00:51:34,691 --> 00:51:35,919
- Oh, my goodness.
Yes, of course.

1251
00:51:36,026 --> 00:51:37,323
I love you.

1252
00:51:37,427 --> 00:51:39,122
<i>- Every Wednesday night
when I'm in New York,</i>

1253
00:51:39,229 --> 00:51:41,561
<i>I work in some tiny little club
where I can practice my act.</i>

1254
00:51:41,665 --> 00:51:44,600
<i>I just talk about anything
and everything that annoys me.</i>

1255
00:51:44,701 --> 00:51:45,827
Thank you.

1256
00:51:45,936 --> 00:51:47,870
- You don't get the recognition
you deserve.

1257
00:51:47,971 --> 00:51:50,303
- Damn right, William.

1258
00:51:50,407 --> 00:51:53,570
Okay, see?
I have a fan.

1259
00:51:53,677 --> 00:51:55,167
I have William.

1260
00:51:55,278 --> 00:51:57,007
The minute you're not angry
about things,

1261
00:51:57,114 --> 00:51:58,911
the minute you're not upset
about things,

1262
00:51:59,015 --> 00:52:00,607
what are you talking about?

1263
00:52:00,717 --> 00:52:02,947
"Oh, my grandson was so cute."

1264
00:52:03,053 --> 00:52:04,543
It's not my comedy.

1265
00:52:04,654 --> 00:52:08,613
I'm furious about everything,
furious about everything.

1266
00:52:08,725 --> 00:52:12,456
Good things don't always happen
to good people,

1267
00:52:12,562 --> 00:52:14,462
and I'm very angry about it.

1268
00:52:14,564 --> 00:52:17,055
But if I didn't have the anger,
I wouldn't be a comedian.

1269
00:52:17,167 --> 00:52:20,364
Anger fuels the comedy.

1270
00:52:20,470 --> 00:52:22,131
I hate everybody.

1271
00:52:22,239 --> 00:52:24,070
I hate old people.

1272
00:52:24,174 --> 00:52:25,266
I hate ugly children.

1273
00:52:25,375 --> 00:52:26,535
I hate fat people.

1274
00:52:26,643 --> 00:52:27,940
I hated China.

1275
00:52:28,044 --> 00:52:29,409
I hate whiners.

1276
00:52:29,513 --> 00:52:30,946
Oh, I hate dead people.

1277
00:52:31,047 --> 00:52:33,777
I even have the three wise men
who I hate.

1278
00:52:33,884 --> 00:52:37,411
I love anal sex 'cause you
can do other things, you know?

1279
00:52:37,521 --> 00:52:40,752
It's like...

1280
00:52:40,857 --> 00:52:41,755
You can iron.

1281
00:52:41,858 --> 00:52:44,224
You can read a book.

1282
00:52:44,327 --> 00:52:46,761
Get your emails
on your BlackBerry.

1283
00:52:46,863 --> 00:52:49,423
[Laughter]

1284
00:52:53,904 --> 00:52:56,771
<i>[Upbeat guitar music]</i>

1285
00:52:56,873 --> 00:53:04,871
[Music continues]

1286
00:53:07,851 --> 00:53:10,251
- Well, right now,
we're getting

1287
00:53:10,353 --> 00:53:13,481
the 17-foot table up the stairs.

1288
00:53:13,590 --> 00:53:16,457
These two guys just walked it up
seven flights and...

1289
00:53:16,560 --> 00:53:18,892
Bring it right here.

1290
00:53:18,995 --> 00:53:20,690
<i>- Today is Thanksgiving. ;</i>

1291
00:53:20,797 --> 00:53:23,595
favorite time of the year,
favorite time of the year.

1292
00:53:23,700 --> 00:53:25,998
<i>Melissa and Cooper come,
of course,</i>

1293
00:53:26,102 --> 00:53:29,128
<i>and then I invite my friends,
and many of them are strays</i>

1294
00:53:29,239 --> 00:53:32,606
<i>or single women or my neighbors
from downstairs.</i>

1295
00:53:32,709 --> 00:53:34,142
<i>It's sad.</i>

1296
00:53:34,244 --> 00:53:35,472
<i>- Why is that?</i>

1297
00:53:35,579 --> 00:53:37,206
- I don't know,
just sad that it seems

1298
00:53:37,314 --> 00:53:39,544
you have fewer friends
in New York,

1299
00:53:39,649 --> 00:53:42,550
and I know when
something wonderful happens,

1300
00:53:42,652 --> 00:53:45,212
there are maybe three people
I'll call,

1301
00:53:45,322 --> 00:53:47,381
when maybe 15 years ago,

1302
00:53:47,490 --> 00:53:49,151
there would have been six people
I'd call.

1303
00:53:49,259 --> 00:53:53,320
So many people are dying,
my God.

1304
00:53:53,430 --> 00:53:55,159
They'd better eat fast tonight.

1305
00:53:55,265 --> 00:53:57,096
[Laughs]

1306
00:53:57,200 --> 00:54:00,499
Oh, it's cold!

1307
00:54:00,604 --> 00:54:02,834
Every Thanksgiving,
I bring meals

1308
00:54:02,939 --> 00:54:05,100
from God's Love We Deliver

1309
00:54:05,208 --> 00:54:08,177
to people that absolutely
are too ill to go out.

1310
00:54:08,278 --> 00:54:12,214
This year I asked my grandson
Cooper to come with me.

1311
00:54:12,315 --> 00:54:15,113
If you what?

1312
00:54:15,218 --> 00:54:17,743
If we can stop
at an electronics store,

1313
00:54:17,854 --> 00:54:19,515
his PSP is broken.

1314
00:54:19,623 --> 00:54:22,217
But If you're very good,

1315
00:54:22,325 --> 00:54:24,486
I'll buy you a new one
for your birthday.

1316
00:54:24,594 --> 00:54:27,222
- Well, my friend had three
of them, and he gave me one.

1317
00:54:27,330 --> 00:54:28,729
- That's very nice.

1318
00:54:28,832 --> 00:54:30,094
Is this the one he gave you?

1319
00:54:30,200 --> 00:54:31,792
- Yes.

1320
00:54:31,901 --> 00:54:34,028
- He had three of them?

1321
00:54:34,137 --> 00:54:36,867
Has he got a single grandfather?

1322
00:54:36,973 --> 00:54:38,497
[Laughs]

1323
00:54:46,483 --> 00:54:49,008
I love your hands.

1324
00:54:49,119 --> 00:54:52,555
They're great hands, Cooper.

1325
00:54:52,656 --> 00:54:55,022
At God's Love We Deliver,
when I started out,

1326
00:54:55,125 --> 00:54:57,252
and I'm on the board,
we used to give AIDS patients

1327
00:54:57,360 --> 00:54:59,385
that were going,
we would give them food.

1328
00:54:59,496 --> 00:55:01,157
Well, now AIDS is chronic,

1329
00:55:01,264 --> 00:55:03,095
and I am still delivering
their fucking food.

1330
00:55:03,199 --> 00:55:04,496
I am so pissed.

1331
00:55:04,601 --> 00:55:06,262
I am so-
you know what it's like?

1332
00:55:06,369 --> 00:55:08,132
Thanksgiving morning,
ding-dong,

1333
00:55:08,238 --> 00:55:11,503
the guy opens the door,
"You again?"

1334
00:55:11,608 --> 00:55:14,042
[Laughter]

1335
00:55:14,144 --> 00:55:17,307
"This is the third fucking
Thanksgiving in a row, buddy."

1336
00:55:17,414 --> 00:55:18,938
"Miss Rivers,
just leave it over there.

1337
00:55:19,049 --> 00:55:20,016
I'm on my way to the gym."

1338
00:55:20,116 --> 00:55:24,075
"The gym?

1339
00:55:24,187 --> 00:55:25,381
"You're going to die today.

1340
00:55:25,488 --> 00:55:28,389
AIDS or me;
I'm not sure which."

1341
00:55:29,959 --> 00:55:30,983
- Oh, look.

1342
00:55:31,094 --> 00:55:33,028
- Oh, "God's Love We Deliver."

1343
00:55:33,129 --> 00:55:34,460
Aw, how nice is that?

1344
00:55:34,564 --> 00:55:35,462
You want to ring?

1345
00:55:35,565 --> 00:55:36,827
[Doorbell rings]

1346
00:55:36,933 --> 00:55:38,457
Hello, hello.
- Hi.

1347
00:55:38,568 --> 00:55:41,435
- I'm Joan Rivers.
This is my grandson, Cooper.

1348
00:55:41,538 --> 00:55:42,527
And how nice to see you.

1349
00:55:42,639 --> 00:55:44,106
- Joan Rivers?

1350
00:55:44,207 --> 00:55:45,504
<i>The Joan Rivers?</i>

1351
00:55:45,608 --> 00:55:46,540
- I pay her bills.

1352
00:55:46,643 --> 00:55:47,803
[Laughter]

1353
00:55:47,911 --> 00:55:51,005
- You have entertained me
for years, Miss Rivers.

1354
00:55:51,114 --> 00:55:52,604
- I'm so glad.

1355
00:55:52,716 --> 00:55:54,343
- I'm a photographer.

1356
00:55:54,451 --> 00:55:56,351
- Yeah, you can see
there's something going on here

1357
00:55:56,453 --> 00:55:57,613
that's wonderful.

1358
00:55:57,721 --> 00:55:59,518
- Right there, I photographed
the same drugstore

1359
00:55:59,622 --> 00:56:00,646
for 20 years,

1360
00:56:00,757 --> 00:56:04,454
every time they changed
the price of cigarettes.

1361
00:56:04,561 --> 00:56:06,119
- Oh, how brilliant is that?

1362
00:56:06,229 --> 00:56:07,389
- Thank you.

1363
00:56:07,497 --> 00:56:08,486
- Where was it shown?

1364
00:56:08,598 --> 00:56:10,122
<i>- Life magazine.</i>

1365
00:56:10,233 --> 00:56:12,861
I have taken
over 100,000 photos,

1366
00:56:12,969 --> 00:56:15,199
so you might even know my work.

1367
00:56:15,305 --> 00:56:19,071
Look up FloFox. Com.

1368
00:56:19,175 --> 00:56:21,234
- Thank you.
- Happy Thanksgiving.

1369
00:56:21,344 --> 00:56:22,743
- I can't wait
to get out of here

1370
00:56:22,846 --> 00:56:23,938
and go home and look you up.

1371
00:56:24,047 --> 00:56:28,143
- Flo Fox, baby.
My name is Flo Fox.

1372
00:56:28,251 --> 00:56:29,548
- I'm with Flo Fox right now.

1373
00:56:29,652 --> 00:56:32,280
What happened that caused
your eyesight to start to fail?

1374
00:56:32,389 --> 00:56:34,414
- I believe it's connected
with multiple sclerosis.

1375
00:56:34,524 --> 00:56:36,992
I walk with a cane.
I'm a little off-balance.

1376
00:56:37,093 --> 00:56:38,788
First my eyes went and...

1377
00:56:38,895 --> 00:56:41,420
- Oh, it's so sad.

1378
00:56:41,531 --> 00:56:46,491
There's this sexy,
young, artistic, edgy,

1379
00:56:46,603 --> 00:56:49,265
New York, tough,
bohemian girl.

1380
00:56:49,372 --> 00:56:50,862
- It's amazing isn't it?
- Yeah.

1381
00:56:50,974 --> 00:56:55,468
<i>- Life is so mean.</i>

1382
00:56:59,315 --> 00:57:05,311
[People talking at once]

1383
00:57:09,459 --> 00:57:10,426
[Glass clinking]

1384
00:57:10,527 --> 00:57:12,757
And I thank you all
for being here.

1385
00:57:12,862 --> 00:57:15,456
This morning, I delivered meals
with my grandson

1386
00:57:15,565 --> 00:57:19,331
for God's Love We Deliver,
and may I tell you,

1387
00:57:19,436 --> 00:57:20,698
we are so blessed.

1388
00:57:20,804 --> 00:57:23,329
We are so blessed,
and I thank God every minute

1389
00:57:23,440 --> 00:57:25,101
that I ever step
into a limousine.

1390
00:57:25,208 --> 00:57:26,607
I know it sounds silly.

1391
00:57:26,709 --> 00:57:30,907
Since 1968, they've been sending
limousines for me,

1392
00:57:31,014 --> 00:57:33,175
and I never get into one
that I don't say,

1393
00:57:33,283 --> 00:57:36,116
"Thank you, God.
I am so chosen."

1394
00:57:36,219 --> 00:57:38,187
And I thank you all
for being here,

1395
00:57:38,288 --> 00:57:40,381
and I thank God for
another wonderful Thanksgiving.

1396
00:57:40,490 --> 00:57:42,014
- Hear! Hear!

1397
00:57:42,125 --> 00:57:43,092
[Applause]

1398
00:57:43,193 --> 00:57:45,252
[Laughter]

1399
00:57:45,361 --> 00:57:46,851
<i>[Car horn honks]</i>

1400
00:57:52,001 --> 00:57:55,266
<i>- We are at the Kennedy Center,
in Washington, D. C.</i>

1401
00:57:55,371 --> 00:57:58,932
<i>I am here to do a tribute
to George Carlin.</i>

1402
00:57:59,042 --> 00:58:01,704
<i>I find this whole thing
very hypocritical.</i>

1403
00:58:01,811 --> 00:58:04,336
<i>This is everything
George claimed he wasn't.</i>

1404
00:58:04,447 --> 00:58:07,007
George hated the establishment.

1405
00:58:07,116 --> 00:58:09,414
George hated the people that
are going to be here tonight,

1406
00:58:09,519 --> 00:58:11,510
which are going to be
a bunch of older,

1407
00:58:11,621 --> 00:58:14,112
very wealthy Republicans.

1408
00:58:14,224 --> 00:58:16,590
<i>All the things
that George fought against</i>

1409
00:58:16,693 --> 00:58:18,160
<i>tonight will all be negated</i>

1410
00:58:18,261 --> 00:58:20,991
<i>because he's getting
the Mark Twain award.</i>

1411
00:58:21,097 --> 00:58:23,327
It would be like me getting
a big award

1412
00:58:23,433 --> 00:58:24,991
from the German Bund.

1413
00:58:25,101 --> 00:58:27,934
[Laughs]

1414
00:58:28,037 --> 00:58:32,701
"And now for funniest Jewess
not in the ovens,

1415
00:58:32,809 --> 00:58:37,212
Joan Rosenberg Rivers!"

1416
00:58:37,313 --> 00:58:40,578
[Laughs]

1417
00:58:40,683 --> 00:58:42,981
<i>But, um, there's
an importance for me</i>

1418
00:58:43,086 --> 00:58:44,883
<i>for this type of an event
for comedy,</i>

1419
00:58:44,988 --> 00:58:46,717
because I'm always left out
of it.

1420
00:58:46,823 --> 00:58:49,621
So for me, this is nice
to be included,

1421
00:58:49,726 --> 00:58:51,819
because I'm usually
not included.

1422
00:58:55,999 --> 00:58:58,729
Once a Jew, always a Jew.

1423
00:58:58,835 --> 00:59:00,097
[Laughs]

1424
00:59:00,203 --> 00:59:02,728
I'm going in
to clean that bathroom.

1425
00:59:02,839 --> 00:59:04,204
- Have you seen that shower
in there?

1426
00:59:04,307 --> 00:59:05,331
It's kind of interesting.

1427
00:59:05,441 --> 00:59:06,339
- Ugh.

1428
00:59:06,442 --> 00:59:07,875
Oh, look.

1429
00:59:07,977 --> 00:59:10,537
- Now it is.

1430
00:59:10,647 --> 00:59:13,172
[Aerosol can hissing]

1431
00:59:13,283 --> 00:59:15,308
- The writers are ready
for you when you want them.

1432
00:59:15,418 --> 00:59:16,544
- I'm ready for the writers.

1433
00:59:16,653 --> 00:59:17,620
- Okay.

1434
00:59:17,720 --> 00:59:18,812
- Okay, where are the writers?

1435
00:59:18,922 --> 00:59:20,253
They're coming in here?

1436
00:59:20,356 --> 00:59:21,448
- Yeah.

1437
00:59:21,558 --> 00:59:22,650
- Now, is it just the two of us?

1438
00:59:22,759 --> 00:59:23,817
- Yeah.
- All right.

1439
00:59:23,927 --> 00:59:25,121
- Miss Rivers, the "fuck" thing,

1440
00:59:25,228 --> 00:59:26,320
I know the executive producers

1441
00:59:26,429 --> 00:59:27,760
are a little concerned
about that.

1442
00:59:27,864 --> 00:59:29,126
- Yes, and well they should be.

1443
00:59:29,232 --> 00:59:31,166
I probably will have one "fuck"
somewhere in there.

1444
00:59:31,267 --> 00:59:32,894
- That's fine.
- Just to get the audience...

1445
00:59:33,002 --> 00:59:34,299
- No, exactly.
One is fine.

1446
00:59:34,404 --> 00:59:36,201
And it will be bleeped for TV.
- Yes.

1447
00:59:36,306 --> 00:59:38,240
- I have no problems.
All right, guys, see you later.

1448
00:59:38,341 --> 00:59:39,467
Thanks, Joan.
See you in a bit.

1449
00:59:39,576 --> 00:59:40,838
- Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.

1450
00:59:40,944 --> 00:59:45,438
They're all going to be
so much funnier than I am.

1451
00:59:45,548 --> 00:59:48,142
See, when you see the lineup,
and you know Jon Stewart

1452
00:59:48,251 --> 00:59:51,414
had 12 writers work on this,

1453
00:59:51,521 --> 00:59:55,617
and you know, uh, Garry had
six writers work on this.

1454
00:59:55,725 --> 00:59:58,285
And you know all these people-
look who's here.

1455
00:59:58,394 --> 01:00:01,693
They all have
professional staffs.

1456
01:00:01,798 --> 01:00:03,561
- Wow.

1457
01:00:03,666 --> 01:00:06,032
[People speaking indistinctly]

1458
01:00:06,135 --> 01:00:08,330
- You know, there's a lot
of his stuff that's-

1459
01:00:11,207 --> 01:00:12,606
[laughter]

1460
01:00:12,709 --> 01:00:16,076
- Joan, um, what is it like
being a comedic icon?

1461
01:00:16,179 --> 01:00:18,272
I'm sure there are comedians
that come up to you and say,

1462
01:00:18,381 --> 01:00:19,348
"You were an inspiration."

1463
01:00:19,449 --> 01:00:20,541
- I'm not ready to be an icon,

1464
01:00:20,650 --> 01:00:22,208
and I'm not ready
to be told thank you.

1465
01:00:22,318 --> 01:00:23,580
Fuck you.

1466
01:00:23,686 --> 01:00:25,779
[Laughter]

1467
01:00:25,888 --> 01:00:30,086
<i>- Lewis Black.
Margaret Cho.</i>

1468
01:00:30,193 --> 01:00:32,024
<i>Ben E. King.
- Don't know him.</i>

1469
01:00:32,128 --> 01:00:33,618
<i>- Dennis Leary.
- Clever.</i>

1470
01:00:33,730 --> 01:00:35,698
<i>- Bill Maher.
- Brilliant.</i>

1471
01:00:35,798 --> 01:00:37,459
<i>- Joan Rivers.
- Okay.</i>

1472
01:00:37,567 --> 01:00:39,398
<i>- Garry Shandling.
- Brilliant.</i>

1473
01:00:39,502 --> 01:00:42,027
<i>- Jon Stewart.
- Smart.</i>

1474
01:00:42,138 --> 01:00:44,106
<i>- Ben Stiller.
- Eh... lucky.</i>

1475
01:00:44,207 --> 01:00:46,334
<i>- And Lily Tomlin.
- Brilliant.</i>

1476
01:00:46,442 --> 01:00:49,605
<i>- Ladies and gentlemen,
George Carlin.</i>

1477
01:00:49,712 --> 01:00:51,907
[Laughter]

1478
01:00:52,015 --> 01:00:54,040
[Applause]

1479
01:00:54,150 --> 01:01:00,521
[Joan speaking indistinctly]

1480
01:01:00,623 --> 01:01:03,251
<i>- The Smothers Brothers
and Laugh-ln.</i>

1481
01:01:03,359 --> 01:01:05,827
<i>And it was such a great time
to be in comedy.</i>

1482
01:01:05,928 --> 01:01:08,920
<i>[Applause]</i>

1483
01:01:14,771 --> 01:01:16,500
<i>- Few people are always funny,</i>

1484
01:01:16,606 --> 01:01:19,074
<i>but certainly one
of the chosen people</i>

1485
01:01:19,175 --> 01:01:20,574
<i>is our next presenter,</i>

1486
01:01:20,677 --> 01:01:23,908
the fabulous Joan Rivers,
ladies and gentlemen.

1487
01:01:24,013 --> 01:01:28,916
[Cheers and applause]

1488
01:01:29,018 --> 01:01:31,486
- We use to play
these terrible clubs.

1489
01:01:31,587 --> 01:01:33,214
Literally,
you didn't get paid.

1490
01:01:33,322 --> 01:01:34,755
You passed the hat,

1491
01:01:34,857 --> 01:01:36,620
and some nights,
the hat would come back

1492
01:01:36,726 --> 01:01:38,023
with a severed head.

1493
01:01:38,127 --> 01:01:39,059
Some nights...

1494
01:01:39,162 --> 01:01:40,561
[laughter]

1495
01:01:40,663 --> 01:01:42,722
And they asked me to say
a couple of words about George,

1496
01:01:42,832 --> 01:01:45,096
and I kept thinking
that is so unfair.

1497
01:01:45,201 --> 01:01:47,669
You cannot sum George Carlin up
in two words.

1498
01:01:47,770 --> 01:01:50,637
Give me at least seven.

1499
01:01:50,740 --> 01:01:52,037
And...

1500
01:01:52,141 --> 01:01:55,633
[laughter and applause]

1501
01:01:55,745 --> 01:01:59,112
- You were so funny.

1502
01:01:59,215 --> 01:02:01,809
<i>- I think today went very well.</i>

1503
01:02:01,918 --> 01:02:04,512
I think I did not embarrass
myself at all.

1504
01:02:04,620 --> 01:02:06,588
I think I was fine.

1505
01:02:06,689 --> 01:02:09,681
I think I was funnier
than a lot of people,

1506
01:02:09,792 --> 01:02:11,384
not as funny
as a lot of people,

1507
01:02:11,494 --> 01:02:17,262
<i>but, uh, yeah,
I was perfectly fine.</i>

1508
01:02:17,934 --> 01:02:20,459
<i>[Dramatic guitar music]</i>

1509
01:02:20,570 --> 01:02:26,270
[Music continues]

1510
01:02:26,375 --> 01:02:28,309
<i>- I am getting ready to go
to Wisconsin.</i>

1511
01:02:28,411 --> 01:02:31,608
<i>I've never done an act before
in Mukluks.</i>

1512
01:02:31,714 --> 01:02:33,511
- [Laughs]
They have no idea.

1513
01:02:33,616 --> 01:02:34,742
- They'll stare at me
when I say,

1514
01:02:34,851 --> 01:02:36,375
"Where are the gays?"

1515
01:02:36,486 --> 01:02:38,716
They're going to tell us,
"Dead, we killed them."

1516
01:02:38,821 --> 01:02:40,118
[Laughter]

1517
01:02:40,223 --> 01:02:42,248
Why am I going to Wisconsin?

1518
01:02:42,358 --> 01:02:44,258
A thing called money.

1519
01:02:44,360 --> 01:02:46,851
They're so desperate to get me,
they're paying me.

1520
01:02:46,963 --> 01:02:48,931
That's why I'm going
to Wisconsin.

1521
01:02:49,031 --> 01:02:53,798
[Music continues]

1522
01:02:53,903 --> 01:02:55,700
I worked last night.

1523
01:02:55,805 --> 01:02:58,365
I worked in Toronto
until about 2:30 in the morning

1524
01:02:58,474 --> 01:03:00,203
on The Shopping Channel.

1525
01:03:00,309 --> 01:03:05,178
Then I got up at 5:00 to make
a 7:00 plane or something

1526
01:03:05,281 --> 01:03:06,805
to Chicago.

1527
01:03:06,916 --> 01:03:08,713
And then from Chicago,
I took a little,

1528
01:03:08,818 --> 01:03:10,115
what they call, "puddle jumper."

1529
01:03:10,219 --> 01:03:12,084
It was adorable.

1530
01:03:12,188 --> 01:03:14,213
How is the gay community here?

1531
01:03:14,323 --> 01:03:16,188
- That I really don't know.

1532
01:03:16,292 --> 01:03:17,953
- Oh, see.

1533
01:03:18,060 --> 01:03:19,527
Ask your cousin.

1534
01:03:19,629 --> 01:03:21,790
[Laughter]

1535
01:03:21,898 --> 01:03:23,729
Ask your wife's brother.

1536
01:03:23,833 --> 01:03:25,528
<i>- Is this the most
remote place?</i>

1537
01:03:25,635 --> 01:03:26,795
- No-oh, no.

1538
01:03:26,903 --> 01:03:28,336
<i>- Well, where is
the most remote place</i>

1539
01:03:28,437 --> 01:03:29,426
<i>you've ever played?</i>

1540
01:03:29,539 --> 01:03:31,063
- The most remote place
I've ever played

1541
01:03:31,174 --> 01:03:32,903
was Reykjavik, Iceland.

1542
01:03:33,009 --> 01:03:36,536
I've played them all.
Juneau.

1543
01:03:36,646 --> 01:03:38,136
Oh, are they wrong.

1544
01:03:38,247 --> 01:03:40,078
That was called the Texas Motel.

1545
01:03:40,183 --> 01:03:42,777
<i>[Laughs]
They are so off.</i>

1546
01:03:42,885 --> 01:03:44,352
[Laughs]

1547
01:03:44,453 --> 01:03:51,450
[Music continues]

1548
01:03:51,561 --> 01:03:54,325
Some places, as you know,
are better than others.

1549
01:03:54,430 --> 01:03:59,231
This would not be
my first choice of décor.

1550
01:03:59,335 --> 01:04:02,133
The audience is going to be
very born-again,

1551
01:04:02,238 --> 01:04:04,570
I have a feeling,
very fundamentalist.

1552
01:04:04,674 --> 01:04:06,835
They're going to get
very shaken up.

1553
01:04:06,943 --> 01:04:08,205
[Laughs]

1554
01:04:08,311 --> 01:04:09,676
Get the check.

1555
01:04:09,779 --> 01:04:10,803
Yeah, right.

1556
01:04:10,913 --> 01:04:13,643
Whatever I do on stage...

1557
01:04:13,749 --> 01:04:15,649
Are they gonna clean
the stage a little bit?

1558
01:04:15,751 --> 01:04:17,776
Because I kind of roll around
on it and stuff.

1559
01:04:17,887 --> 01:04:18,854
It's a little...

1560
01:04:18,955 --> 01:04:20,547
Ick.
There's gum.

1561
01:04:20,656 --> 01:04:21,918
Aren't you the makeup person?

1562
01:04:22,024 --> 01:04:24,117
You win the award,
that showed up with no makeup.

1563
01:04:24,227 --> 01:04:25,751
Don't you have your makeup?

1564
01:04:25,862 --> 01:04:27,295
Aren't you the makeup girl?

1565
01:04:27,396 --> 01:04:30,627
She's the makeup girl,
and she didn't bring makeup.

1566
01:04:30,733 --> 01:04:34,032
"May."

1567
01:04:34,136 --> 01:04:35,330
Good month.

1568
01:04:35,438 --> 01:04:36,530
- Of next year.

1569
01:04:36,639 --> 01:04:37,663
- May of next year.

1570
01:04:39,642 --> 01:04:42,133
You leave New York,
you leave L.A.,

1571
01:04:42,245 --> 01:04:46,841
you leave the world.

1572
01:04:46,949 --> 01:04:48,940
But that's what
makes it charming.

1573
01:04:50,620 --> 01:04:54,317
[Cheers and applause]

1574
01:04:54,423 --> 01:04:57,654
First of all, where are-
where are we?

1575
01:04:57,760 --> 01:04:59,057
What the hell is going-

1576
01:04:59,161 --> 01:05:00,219
I was out in the casino.

1577
01:05:00,329 --> 01:05:04,163
A guy put a quarter in,
fish came out.

1578
01:05:04,267 --> 01:05:07,430
Uh, well, never mind Viagra.
What about Cialis?

1579
01:05:07,536 --> 01:05:11,939
36 fucking hours
a man has an erection?

1580
01:05:12,041 --> 01:05:16,478
An 85-year-old man
for 36 hours?

1581
01:05:16,579 --> 01:05:18,774
That's devil's work.

1582
01:05:18,881 --> 01:05:21,281
And on these poor,
old, dried-out old wives?

1583
01:05:21,384 --> 01:05:22,715
And these guys on top of them,

1584
01:05:22,818 --> 01:05:24,809
in and out, in and out,
in and out.

1585
01:05:24,921 --> 01:05:26,752
They're going to set them
on fire.

1586
01:05:26,856 --> 01:05:29,450
It's-yes.

1587
01:05:29,558 --> 01:05:30,855
Ugh, I hate children.

1588
01:05:30,960 --> 01:05:33,292
[Groans]

1589
01:05:33,396 --> 01:05:35,660
The only child that I think
I would have liked ever

1590
01:05:35,765 --> 01:05:37,790
was Helen Keller
because she didn't talk.

1591
01:05:37,900 --> 01:05:39,663
It is just...

1592
01:05:39,769 --> 01:05:40,895
[laughter]

1593
01:05:41,003 --> 01:05:42,095
- Not very funny.

1594
01:05:42,204 --> 01:05:44,229
- Yes, it is.

1595
01:05:44,340 --> 01:05:45,602
And if you don't, then leave!

1596
01:05:45,708 --> 01:05:47,642
- It's not very funny
if you have a deaf son.

1597
01:05:47,743 --> 01:05:49,142
- I happen to have
a deaf mother.

1598
01:05:49,245 --> 01:05:50,712
Oh, you stupid ass.

1599
01:05:50,813 --> 01:05:52,474
Let me tell you
what comedy is about.

1600
01:05:52,581 --> 01:05:54,412
- You go ahead and tell me
what comedy's about.

1601
01:05:54,517 --> 01:05:56,542
- Oh, please.
You are so stupid.

1602
01:05:56,652 --> 01:05:58,813
Comedy is to make everybody
laugh at everything

1603
01:05:58,921 --> 01:06:01,515
and deal with things,
you idiot.

1604
01:06:01,624 --> 01:06:05,116
My mother is deaf,
you stupid son of a bitch.

1605
01:06:05,227 --> 01:06:07,058
Don't tell me.

1606
01:06:07,163 --> 01:06:08,391
[Cheers and applause]

1607
01:06:08,497 --> 01:06:10,192
And just in case
you can hear me in the hallway,

1608
01:06:10,299 --> 01:06:12,961
I lived for nine years
with a man with one leg.

1609
01:06:13,069 --> 01:06:14,366
Okay, you asshole?

1610
01:06:14,470 --> 01:06:16,597
And we're going to talk about
what it's like

1611
01:06:16,706 --> 01:06:19,903
to have a man with one leg
who lost it in World War II

1612
01:06:20,009 --> 01:06:21,237
and never went back to get it,

1613
01:06:21,344 --> 01:06:23,869
because that's
fucking littering.

1614
01:06:23,980 --> 01:06:26,005
[Laughter]

1615
01:06:26,115 --> 01:06:29,983
So don't you tell me
what's funny.

1616
01:06:30,086 --> 01:06:31,644
Comedy is to make us laugh.

1617
01:06:31,754 --> 01:06:33,915
9/11?

1618
01:06:34,023 --> 01:06:37,322
If we didn't laugh,
where the hell would we all be?

1619
01:06:37,426 --> 01:06:38,688
Think about that.

1620
01:06:38,794 --> 01:06:41,058
Where the hell would we all be?

1621
01:06:41,163 --> 01:06:43,654
How can you not find Osama?

1622
01:06:43,766 --> 01:06:46,701
There is one-
there is one outlet.

1623
01:06:46,802 --> 01:06:48,064
He's on dialysis.

1624
01:06:48,170 --> 01:06:50,570
There is one outlet
in all of Afghanistan.

1625
01:06:50,673 --> 01:06:52,402
Find the plug...

1626
01:06:52,508 --> 01:06:54,442
[laughter]

1627
01:06:54,543 --> 01:06:57,068
And follow the cord.

1628
01:06:57,179 --> 01:07:01,513
[Laughter]

1629
01:07:01,617 --> 01:07:04,609
[Cheers and applause]

1630
01:07:12,661 --> 01:07:15,562
Well, okay.

1631
01:07:15,664 --> 01:07:17,097
How about that?

1632
01:07:17,199 --> 01:07:21,465
"I have a-
a deaf son!"

1633
01:07:21,570 --> 01:07:25,199
Oh, what a good way to build.

1634
01:07:25,307 --> 01:07:27,673
That was
a very difficult moment.

1635
01:07:27,777 --> 01:07:29,608
It throws you terribly,
because you know

1636
01:07:29,712 --> 01:07:35,412
the audience is so nervous
and so scared to laugh.

1637
01:07:35,518 --> 01:07:38,385
Your mind is going
a mile a minute.

1638
01:07:38,487 --> 01:07:40,387
"Where am I going to go?
What am I going to do?

1639
01:07:40,489 --> 01:07:44,016
Where am I going to take them?"

1640
01:07:44,126 --> 01:07:45,855
So there are two things
going on,

1641
01:07:45,961 --> 01:07:48,759
your mouth and your head.

1642
01:07:48,864 --> 01:07:53,597
Luckily, I was able
to get them back.

1643
01:07:53,702 --> 01:07:55,135
- Thank you.
You are so-

1644
01:07:55,237 --> 01:07:56,670
I've never laughed so hard
in my life!

1645
01:07:56,772 --> 01:07:57,966
- Oh, you were
a good laugher,

1646
01:07:58,074 --> 01:07:59,302
and that makes
such a difference.

1647
01:07:59,408 --> 01:08:01,239
- Oh, I know,
and that-that rotten guy.

1648
01:08:01,343 --> 01:08:02,674
- I'm sorry for him.

1649
01:08:02,778 --> 01:08:04,712
- I was ready to get up
and say-and tell him to leave.

1650
01:08:04,814 --> 01:08:06,179
- He has a deaf son.

1651
01:08:06,282 --> 01:08:08,216
- I know, but he's got
to realize that this is comedy.

1652
01:08:08,317 --> 01:08:09,579
- Comedy.
- Right.

1653
01:08:09,685 --> 01:08:14,019
- I felt terribly sorry
for the man with the deaf son,

1654
01:08:14,123 --> 01:08:15,784
and of course he's angry.

1655
01:08:15,891 --> 01:08:16,983
Of course he's angry.

1656
01:08:17,093 --> 01:08:20,119
I get that, but don't ruin
the whole act.

1657
01:08:20,229 --> 01:08:22,424
But maybe it got it out of him,

1658
01:08:22,531 --> 01:08:24,396
and maybe it's good
what happened to him too.

1659
01:08:24,500 --> 01:08:26,593
He had kind of a catharsis.

1660
01:08:26,702 --> 01:08:28,363
And you're driving us?
- Yep.

1661
01:08:28,471 --> 01:08:29,836
- Have you been drinking?
- No, ma'am.

1662
01:08:29,939 --> 01:08:31,736
- Have you been drugging?
- No.

1663
01:08:31,841 --> 01:08:33,172
- Have you been whoring?

1664
01:08:33,275 --> 01:08:34,469
- I may have been.

1665
01:08:34,577 --> 01:08:36,067
- Okay, well, that's good.

1666
01:08:36,178 --> 01:08:38,009
Then you'll be relaxed.

1667
01:08:38,114 --> 01:08:40,810
You ought to just head
for New York

1668
01:08:40,916 --> 01:08:42,281
and just get me home.

1669
01:08:42,384 --> 01:08:45,080
There's nothing like
your own bed.

1670
01:08:45,187 --> 01:08:47,280
Nothing like your own bed.

1671
01:08:53,229 --> 01:08:55,424
[Car horns honking]

1672
01:08:55,531 --> 01:08:56,589
They called my agent.

1673
01:08:56,699 --> 01:08:58,030
They wanted to get
William Shatner.

1674
01:08:58,134 --> 01:08:59,192
He said no.

1675
01:08:59,301 --> 01:09:00,666
They wanted to get
George Hamilton.

1676
01:09:00,769 --> 01:09:01,861
He said no.

1677
01:09:01,971 --> 01:09:03,165
So I said,
"A woman should do it.

1678
01:09:03,272 --> 01:09:04,705
And I'll do it."

1679
01:09:04,807 --> 01:09:06,399
Extend.

1680
01:09:06,509 --> 01:09:10,946
Extend, which is,
you take a pill,

1681
01:09:11,046 --> 01:09:14,846
and the man's penis
just grows, grows.

1682
01:09:14,950 --> 01:09:16,349
Not penile enlargement,

1683
01:09:16,452 --> 01:09:20,013
just, "Oh, look,
who's a big boy now!"

1684
01:09:20,122 --> 01:09:23,956
<i>- Joan will turn
nothing down at all.</i>

1685
01:09:24,059 --> 01:09:25,617
<i>Nothing.</i>

1686
01:09:25,728 --> 01:09:28,697
- And she hears
the clock ticking

1687
01:09:28,797 --> 01:09:32,096
every minute of every hour
of every day.

1688
01:09:33,702 --> 01:09:37,069
- I'm going to Palm Springs
for-what is this for?

1689
01:09:37,173 --> 01:09:38,231
Do you know what this is for?

1690
01:09:38,340 --> 01:09:39,307
- The Betty Ford Clinic.

1691
01:09:39,408 --> 01:09:40,705
- This is
for the Betty Ford Clinic,

1692
01:09:40,809 --> 01:09:43,107
so they'll be very serious
about drugs.

1693
01:09:43,212 --> 01:09:45,009
[Laughs]

1694
01:09:45,114 --> 01:09:46,103
All right, well, uh,

1695
01:09:46,215 --> 01:09:48,183
Are they lining you up
like Nazis?

1696
01:09:48,284 --> 01:09:49,478
All right.
That's all right.

1697
01:09:49,585 --> 01:09:50,677
Okay.

1698
01:09:50,786 --> 01:09:52,310
"Sorry, bitch.

1699
01:09:52,421 --> 01:09:54,321
"I'm not Carol Channing,
but this will have to do.

1700
01:09:54,423 --> 01:09:55,685
Much love, Joan Rivers."

1701
01:09:55,791 --> 01:09:57,088
- Thank you.

1702
01:09:57,193 --> 01:09:59,559
- I have Ss, sibilant Ss.

1703
01:09:59,662 --> 01:10:01,061
Ss, ss.

1704
01:10:01,163 --> 01:10:02,494
Even a little more.

1705
01:10:02,598 --> 01:10:03,997
If you take out the top
or the bottom,

1706
01:10:04,099 --> 01:10:05,760
that usually works pretty well.

1707
01:10:08,704 --> 01:10:10,763
- This is the early Joan,
and this is me.

1708
01:10:10,873 --> 01:10:12,204
"Oh, darling.
Can we talk?

1709
01:10:12,308 --> 01:10:15,607
Oh, does this tampon
make me look fat?"

1710
01:10:17,046 --> 01:10:19,037
- We're going to go
straight down this hallway.

1711
01:10:19,148 --> 01:10:20,945
- I'll follow you.
- Okay.

1712
01:10:21,050 --> 01:10:22,881
- I love that the nails
match the dress.

1713
01:10:22,985 --> 01:10:24,418
I think that's so fabulous.

1714
01:10:24,520 --> 01:10:25,919
- Thank you.

1715
01:10:26,021 --> 01:10:28,148
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

1716
01:10:28,257 --> 01:10:30,282
- Be careful.
Be careful; it's wet.

1717
01:10:30,392 --> 01:10:32,257
Victoria Beckham,

1718
01:10:32,361 --> 01:10:34,829
"Uch, uch, does the tampon
make me look fat?"

1719
01:10:34,930 --> 01:10:37,125
I can't stand her.

1720
01:10:39,868 --> 01:10:42,496
Okay.
Up we go.

1721
01:10:42,605 --> 01:10:44,869
And we're going
to Minneapolis, right?

1722
01:10:44,974 --> 01:10:46,805
- Yes. It's cold there.

1723
01:10:48,077 --> 01:10:50,978
<i>[Dramatic music]</i>

1724
01:10:51,080 --> 01:10:59,078
[Music continues]

1725
01:11:00,522 --> 01:11:03,047
- All right.
And thank you.

1726
01:11:03,158 --> 01:11:04,056
You were terrific.

1727
01:11:04,159 --> 01:11:05,057
- Pleasure meeting you.

1728
01:11:05,160 --> 01:11:06,149
- Thank you.

1729
01:11:11,500 --> 01:11:13,968
Hello.

1730
01:11:14,069 --> 01:11:18,062
I don't care
if it's God himself.

1731
01:11:18,173 --> 01:11:22,371
No one is to call my room
until 6:30.

1732
01:11:22,478 --> 01:11:23,809
- Okay.

1733
01:11:28,250 --> 01:11:30,741
- Save your money
when you're younger,

1734
01:11:30,853 --> 01:11:34,345
that you don't have to whore
yourself out when you're old.

1735
01:11:34,456 --> 01:11:36,822
To be roasted,
Comedy Central.

1736
01:11:36,925 --> 01:11:38,290
- Oh, God.

1737
01:11:38,394 --> 01:11:42,023
- I know, but the money
is extraordinary.

1738
01:11:42,131 --> 01:11:43,860
I am so depressed.

1739
01:11:43,966 --> 01:11:45,991
I can't even go there
with you now.

1740
01:11:46,101 --> 01:11:49,559
This-this is the cherry
on the cake.

1741
01:11:49,672 --> 01:11:51,401
Mohammed, could you stop
for a moment

1742
01:11:51,507 --> 01:11:54,135
so I can get out
in front of the car?

1743
01:11:54,243 --> 01:11:56,211
And could you just run me over?

1744
01:11:56,312 --> 01:11:58,473
End it now, Mohammed.

1745
01:11:58,580 --> 01:12:00,878
- It can't be...

1746
01:12:00,983 --> 01:12:02,348
- Oh, do you know the jokes?

1747
01:12:02,451 --> 01:12:06,547
Every joke is going to be
plastic surgery or old.

1748
01:12:06,655 --> 01:12:08,418
It comes back at you,
doesn't it?

1749
01:12:08,524 --> 01:12:09,491
- Yep.

1750
01:12:09,591 --> 01:12:11,855
- God.

1751
01:12:11,960 --> 01:12:13,257
<i>- Miss Rivers
to the set, please.</i>

1752
01:12:13,362 --> 01:12:15,159
<i>[Bell rings]</i>

1753
01:12:15,264 --> 01:12:17,562
- Slate here.
Stand by.

1754
01:12:17,666 --> 01:12:20,430
- And action.

1755
01:12:20,536 --> 01:12:22,800
- This tastes like urine!

1756
01:12:22,905 --> 01:12:26,864
- You crazy fucking bitch.

1757
01:12:26,975 --> 01:12:29,409
- The crew loves me.

1758
01:12:29,511 --> 01:12:32,002
They keep telling you
it's an honor.

1759
01:12:32,114 --> 01:12:34,446
I'm telling you that if
I had invested wisely,

1760
01:12:34,550 --> 01:12:36,177
I wouldn't be doing this.

1761
01:12:36,285 --> 01:12:39,118
- By the way, did you know
that I have never done

1762
01:12:39,221 --> 01:12:40,586
a roast in my life?

1763
01:12:40,689 --> 01:12:41,587
- It's so disgusting.

1764
01:12:41,690 --> 01:12:42,748
- They're not disgusting.

1765
01:12:42,858 --> 01:12:45,190
It is an honor.
I'm telling you.

1766
01:12:45,294 --> 01:12:46,659
No, don't make that face.

1767
01:12:46,762 --> 01:12:47,888
- But the money is very good.

1768
01:12:47,996 --> 01:12:49,486
- The money is good,
which is an honor.

1769
01:12:49,598 --> 01:12:51,156
I mean, I'm an artist,
and I'm doing it

1770
01:12:51,266 --> 01:12:52,290
for the art like you are.

1771
01:12:52,401 --> 01:12:53,299
- Yes, precisely.

1772
01:12:53,402 --> 01:12:55,029
- Couple of artists,
with easels,

1773
01:12:55,137 --> 01:12:56,695
sitting around,
collecting our money.

1774
01:12:56,805 --> 01:12:59,899
- Joan will cross to her seat,
all right,

1775
01:13:00,008 --> 01:13:03,034
in, let's say,
three, two, one, go.

1776
01:13:03,145 --> 01:13:04,806
- Talk about lucky!

1777
01:13:04,913 --> 01:13:07,108
Brad and Angelina
are having a sale!

1778
01:13:07,216 --> 01:13:08,376
Look at them!

1779
01:13:08,484 --> 01:13:10,918
Go on down now.
Auntie Joanie's busy.

1780
01:13:11,019 --> 01:13:12,543
Fuck. Sh-

1781
01:13:12,654 --> 01:13:14,212
- Okay, no, no, don't go yet.

1782
01:13:14,323 --> 01:13:15,847
- We're just-and this is-

1783
01:13:15,958 --> 01:13:17,619
At this point,
that's when you would go.

1784
01:13:17,726 --> 01:13:19,557
- Could somebody
help me here, please?

1785
01:13:19,661 --> 01:13:21,424
No, no, really.

1786
01:13:21,530 --> 01:13:23,464
Don't bother.

1787
01:13:23,565 --> 01:13:25,829
- You know, if everybody's
giving you a standing ovation,

1788
01:13:25,934 --> 01:13:27,595
that joke probably
won't read that well.

1789
01:13:27,703 --> 01:13:29,796
- I beg you.
It will read.

1790
01:13:29,905 --> 01:13:32,339
I will wait until
the standing ovation is over.

1791
01:13:32,441 --> 01:13:33,533
I will get up here-

1792
01:13:33,642 --> 01:13:35,303
- They will not sit down
till you sit down.

1793
01:13:35,411 --> 01:13:37,242
- Well, then, they're going
to stand until I sit.

1794
01:13:37,346 --> 01:13:40,838
I'm pleading with you,
don't knock every joke,

1795
01:13:40,949 --> 01:13:42,541
or it's not going to be funny.

1796
01:13:42,651 --> 01:13:45,347
I'm begging you.
I'm pleading with you.

1797
01:13:45,454 --> 01:13:46,785
I will thank them,

1798
01:13:46,889 --> 01:13:50,052
and then I will either
sit down and miss the chair.

1799
01:13:50,159 --> 01:13:54,960
I will do something funny,
because I am a funny person.

1800
01:13:55,063 --> 01:13:59,625
[Applause]

1801
01:13:59,735 --> 01:14:01,930
- Hello, hello, hello!

1802
01:14:02,037 --> 01:14:04,801
We are here
to celebrate the career

1803
01:14:04,907 --> 01:14:08,434
of a groundbreaking comedian
and a legendary bitch.

1804
01:14:08,544 --> 01:14:10,375
[Laughter]

1805
01:14:10,479 --> 01:14:12,640
- How much worse
could your real face look

1806
01:14:12,748 --> 01:14:16,081
than that clown mask you've had
welded onto your head?

1807
01:14:16,185 --> 01:14:18,050
- Look at her.
She's a cougar.

1808
01:14:18,153 --> 01:14:20,883
Freddie Cougar.

1809
01:14:20,989 --> 01:14:23,549
- Joan's face has been lifted
so many times

1810
01:14:23,659 --> 01:14:27,288
that when she sneezes,
she has to blow her clit.

1811
01:14:27,396 --> 01:14:28,294
[Laughs]

1812
01:14:28,397 --> 01:14:29,694
<i>- I get mad at myself.</i>

1813
01:14:29,798 --> 01:14:30,958
<i>I think, at this age,</i>

1814
01:14:31,066 --> 01:14:33,626
<i>you've been doing it
since 1966,</i>

1815
01:14:33,735 --> 01:14:36,101
<i>and you shouldn't let them
upset you anymore,</i>

1816
01:14:36,205 --> 01:14:38,503
<i>but they do.</i>

1817
01:14:38,607 --> 01:14:40,973
I did the Comedy Central roast,
okay?

1818
01:14:41,076 --> 01:14:42,236
[Audience cheers]

1819
01:14:42,344 --> 01:14:44,312
And, uh, yeah, which was great,
which was great.

1820
01:14:44,413 --> 01:14:46,540
I-I was-they-they-

1821
01:14:46,648 --> 01:14:48,513
they said such mean,
disgusting, filthy-

1822
01:14:48,617 --> 01:14:49,879
they called me a whore
and a cunt

1823
01:14:49,985 --> 01:14:51,316
and a this and a that.

1824
01:14:51,420 --> 01:14:52,944
I kept thinking,
"How do they know me?"

1825
01:14:53,055 --> 01:14:54,044
It is just...

1826
01:14:54,156 --> 01:14:55,748
[laughter]

1827
01:14:55,858 --> 01:15:00,295
Oh, oh, sure.
Turn against the queen.

1828
01:15:00,395 --> 01:15:02,090
It's like Marie Antoinette.

1829
01:15:02,197 --> 01:15:04,529
Yeah, like you're going to do
better with Kathy Griffin.

1830
01:15:04,633 --> 01:15:05,759
Fuck you.

1831
01:15:05,868 --> 01:15:08,166
It is just...

1832
01:15:08,270 --> 01:15:11,603
when she lasts 45 years,
then go stand on my grave.

1833
01:15:11,707 --> 01:15:12,731
[Cheers and applause]

1834
01:15:12,841 --> 01:15:14,206
Just kidding.

1835
01:15:14,309 --> 01:15:15,469
<i>I love Kathy.</i>

1836
01:15:20,449 --> 01:15:21,473
- Where's Billy these days?

1837
01:15:21,583 --> 01:15:23,244
- I have no idea.

1838
01:15:23,352 --> 01:15:25,616
He's no longer
really part of my career.

1839
01:15:25,721 --> 01:15:26,983
He can't be.

1840
01:15:27,089 --> 01:15:29,922
You spend too much energy
looking for Billy

1841
01:15:30,025 --> 01:15:32,016
and too many phone calls
coming in from people

1842
01:15:32,127 --> 01:15:35,221
that haven't heard from Billy,
and, uh, can't deal with it.

1843
01:15:35,330 --> 01:15:37,161
- You know it's bad when people
say something to me.

1844
01:15:37,266 --> 01:15:38,392
You know what I'm talking about?

1845
01:15:38,500 --> 01:15:39,831
I run into people,
and they're like,

1846
01:15:39,935 --> 01:15:41,232
"Oh, we were trying
to reach Billy,

1847
01:15:41,336 --> 01:15:42,496
and he never called us back."

1848
01:15:42,604 --> 01:15:44,094
I'm like, "I don't know
what to tell you."

1849
01:15:44,206 --> 01:15:46,299
- Yeah, but let us know.
Yeah, just say, "Call Jocelyn."

1850
01:15:46,408 --> 01:15:47,636
- Yeah.

1851
01:15:49,645 --> 01:15:54,446
<i>- Billy, unfortunately,
is no longer part of my team.</i>

1852
01:15:54,550 --> 01:15:56,950
<i>I sent him an email saying</i>

1853
01:15:57,052 --> 01:15:59,816
<i>we're no longer
in business together.</i>

1854
01:15:59,922 --> 01:16:04,882
<i>He just can't be counted on,
and it's killing me.</i>

1855
01:16:04,993 --> 01:16:08,429
<i>I'll tell you why
it really upset me.</i>

1856
01:16:08,530 --> 01:16:10,862
<i>Billy is one of the last links</i>

1857
01:16:10,966 --> 01:16:15,960
that I can say,
"Do you remember?"

1858
01:16:16,071 --> 01:16:21,634
And I had to cut that off,
and I think that's-

1859
01:16:21,743 --> 01:16:23,404
it's not the business.

1860
01:16:23,512 --> 01:16:24,809
That's where l-

1861
01:16:24,913 --> 01:16:28,974
I cannot tell you
I will never not miss Billy.

1862
01:16:29,084 --> 01:16:30,551
He was there
when Melissa was born.

1863
01:16:30,652 --> 01:16:35,089
He was there
for Edgar's funeral, you know?

1864
01:16:35,190 --> 01:16:36,179
He's a link.

1865
01:16:36,291 --> 01:16:38,384
I have no one to say,

1866
01:16:38,493 --> 01:16:41,792
"Do you remember when
Bernie Brillstein gave his party

1867
01:16:41,897 --> 01:16:44,559
and Edgar was the only one
that came in black tie?"

1868
01:16:44,666 --> 01:16:46,497
I know it sounds-

1869
01:16:46,602 --> 01:16:50,538
he was my last memory bank,

1870
01:16:50,639 --> 01:16:54,871
and I have no one-no one-
to say that to now.

1871
01:16:54,977 --> 01:16:58,674
And that is very difficult
for me.

1872
01:16:58,780 --> 01:17:01,681
<i>[Pensive music]</i>

1873
01:17:01,783 --> 01:17:07,346
[Music continues]

1874
01:17:17,899 --> 01:17:20,732
<i>Tonight is the live finale
of Celebrity Apprentice,</i>

1875
01:17:20,836 --> 01:17:24,670
and it is between me
and Annie Duke.

1876
01:17:26,575 --> 01:17:28,805
If I win, I'm back.

1877
01:17:28,910 --> 01:17:32,141
I'm back
in spite of being a woman,

1878
01:17:32,247 --> 01:17:34,374
in spite of being 75,

1879
01:17:34,483 --> 01:17:36,713
and in spite of being
blackballed from NBC.

1880
01:17:36,818 --> 01:17:39,286
I'm back, you bastards.

1881
01:17:39,388 --> 01:17:41,652
- And it's been a tremendous,
tremendous season.

1882
01:17:41,757 --> 01:17:43,691
Annie, do you know
what I'm going to say?

1883
01:17:43,792 --> 01:17:45,157
- No, I have no idea.

1884
01:17:45,260 --> 01:17:46,352
- I'm going to say, Annie...

1885
01:17:46,461 --> 01:17:49,191
you're fired.

1886
01:17:49,297 --> 01:17:53,393
[Cheers and applause]

1887
01:17:53,502 --> 01:17:55,129
- It's great.
This has been wonderful.

1888
01:17:55,237 --> 01:17:58,138
[All speaking indistinctly]

1889
01:17:58,240 --> 01:18:01,141
It's great.
It's terrific.

1890
01:18:01,243 --> 01:18:02,835
Ah.

1891
01:18:02,944 --> 01:18:04,741
Here we go.

1892
01:18:04,846 --> 01:18:06,837
<i>But it's just
Celebrity Apprentice.</i>

1893
01:18:06,948 --> 01:18:09,007
I mean, it's not
the Academy Awards,

1894
01:18:09,117 --> 01:18:10,846
but it was wonderful.

1895
01:18:10,952 --> 01:18:12,977
And I'm very happy I won.

1896
01:18:13,088 --> 01:18:14,055
- Congratulations.

1897
01:18:14,156 --> 01:18:15,054
- Thank you.

1898
01:18:15,157 --> 01:18:16,351
- Now, I've always said,

1899
01:18:16,458 --> 01:18:18,119
you can't get hit by lightning

1900
01:18:18,226 --> 01:18:20,353
if you're not standing
out in the rain.

1901
01:18:20,462 --> 01:18:23,727
Nobody can stand in the rain
longer than Joan Rivers.

1902
01:18:23,832 --> 01:18:24,856
She will stay there.

1903
01:18:24,966 --> 01:18:26,490
She's the last person standing.

1904
01:18:26,601 --> 01:18:28,296
She'll let it rain.
She'll let it rain.

1905
01:18:28,403 --> 01:18:30,928
She'll let it rain,
because she knows

1906
01:18:31,039 --> 01:18:33,507
lightning can hit, 'cause
it's hit her more than once.

1907
01:18:33,608 --> 01:18:36,236
But she knows you have to stay
out in the rain.

1908
01:18:36,344 --> 01:18:37,538
And she did.

1909
01:18:37,646 --> 01:18:38,635
- Line two.

1910
01:18:38,747 --> 01:18:40,339
- Line two.
Okay.

1911
01:18:40,449 --> 01:18:42,815
Hello, my sweetheart.

1912
01:18:42,918 --> 01:18:44,078
Yeah.

1913
01:18:44,186 --> 01:18:45,210
All right, so tell me.

1914
01:18:45,320 --> 01:18:47,618
Tell me yes or no;
just tell me fair.

1915
01:18:47,723 --> 01:18:48,917
Aah!

1916
01:18:49,024 --> 01:18:50,048
That's fabulous!

1917
01:18:50,158 --> 01:18:51,455
Are you-oh!

1918
01:18:51,560 --> 01:18:52,857
Jocelyn!

1919
01:18:52,961 --> 01:18:54,155
We were picked up!

1920
01:18:54,262 --> 01:18:55,229
- No way.
- Yeah, we got it.

1921
01:18:55,330 --> 01:18:56,729
- Awesome!
- All right, all right.

1922
01:18:56,832 --> 01:18:59,232
<i>- You know what the real
pinnacle in a comedy career is?</i>

1923
01:18:59,334 --> 01:19:00,494
<i>It's not an Oscar.</i>

1924
01:19:00,602 --> 01:19:02,593
<i>It's not one thing.</i>

1925
01:19:02,704 --> 01:19:04,865
<i>It's the fact
that you're still doing it.</i>

1926
01:19:04,973 --> 01:19:07,806
<i>That's really what's
so rock star about her.</i>

1927
01:19:07,909 --> 01:19:11,140
She's really the master
of sticking in there.

1928
01:19:11,246 --> 01:19:12,543
- Wait, wait.

1929
01:19:12,647 --> 01:19:14,239
Let's talk about what
this is gonna entail.

1930
01:19:14,349 --> 01:19:15,839
<i>It's a photo shoot
for The New York Times?</i>

1931
01:19:15,951 --> 01:19:17,543
- I could do it
Monday afternoon

1932
01:19:17,652 --> 01:19:18,619
if they want.

1933
01:19:18,720 --> 01:19:20,711
I'm still in town.

1934
01:19:20,822 --> 01:19:22,847
Right now, everything
is absolutely wonderful.

1935
01:19:22,958 --> 01:19:24,858
I am the golden girl.

1936
01:19:24,960 --> 01:19:27,087
But I have been here before,
and I know,

1937
01:19:27,195 --> 01:19:29,288
nothing is yours permanently,

1938
01:19:29,397 --> 01:19:32,992
and you'd better enjoy it
while it's happening.

1939
01:19:33,101 --> 01:19:35,831
- So... next week, Monday:

1940
01:19:35,937 --> 01:19:38,462
<i>Regis and Kelly,
book signing, and QVC.</i>

1941
01:19:38,573 --> 01:19:42,475
<i>Tuesday. ; WOR, Rachael Ray,
Howard Stern, Cutting Room.</i>

1942
01:19:42,577 --> 01:19:45,478
<i>Wednesday. ; Florida,
breakfast lecture,</i>

1943
01:19:45,580 --> 01:19:46,911
<i>do an afternoon book signing,</i>

1944
01:19:47,015 --> 01:19:49,279
<i>back to Miami,
perform two shows.</i>

1945
01:19:49,384 --> 01:19:50,976
<i>Thursday. ; L.A.,</i>

1946
01:19:51,086 --> 01:19:53,987
<i>The Doctors, radio show,
red-eyeing home, QVC,</i>

1947
01:19:54,089 --> 01:19:57,422
<i>corporate booking,
then back to Cutting Room.</i>

1948
01:20:06,701 --> 01:20:07,929
- Okay, I'm fine.

1949
01:20:08,036 --> 01:20:09,697
Is that locked?

1950
01:20:26,755 --> 01:20:28,484
Get him out of the picture.

1951
01:20:28,590 --> 01:20:29,579
[Laughter]

1952
01:20:29,691 --> 01:20:31,488
It's me alone.

1953
01:20:31,593 --> 01:20:34,562
It's an "artist alone" shot.

1954
01:20:34,663 --> 01:20:37,325
I'm grabbing you, Mohammed.

1955
01:20:37,432 --> 01:20:38,456
Thank you.

1956
01:20:41,736 --> 01:20:44,728
<i>I am opening for Don Rickles,
and when they say opening,</i>

1957
01:20:44,840 --> 01:20:45,829
<i>what it is, is,</i>

1958
01:20:45,941 --> 01:20:48,671
he and I split the money.

1959
01:20:48,777 --> 01:20:52,213
And years ago when we started,
I said "Well, I'll open,

1960
01:20:52,314 --> 01:20:53,906
'cause that means
I get out earlier,"

1961
01:20:54,015 --> 01:20:55,676
and he's still pissed
about it.

1962
01:20:55,784 --> 01:20:56,682
[Laughs]

1963
01:20:56,785 --> 01:21:00,186
<i>The theater is wonderful here,</i>

1964
01:21:00,288 --> 01:21:02,654
<i>It's a Vegas-sized theater.</i>

1965
01:21:02,757 --> 01:21:04,554
It's 1,800 or 2,000.

1966
01:21:04,659 --> 01:21:06,957
- No, it's 4,000.
Yeah.

1967
01:21:07,062 --> 01:21:08,654
It's a 4,000-person theater.

1968
01:21:08,763 --> 01:21:09,695
- I'm nervous.

1969
01:21:09,798 --> 01:21:11,459
[Laughter]

1970
01:21:11,566 --> 01:21:14,126
- But I go way back with Joan
when she was in Vegas

1971
01:21:14,236 --> 01:21:16,727
and she was
a struggling comedian.

1972
01:21:16,838 --> 01:21:18,135
And we got to know each other.

1973
01:21:18,240 --> 01:21:19,969
She's done an outstanding job
with her career.

1974
01:21:20,075 --> 01:21:20,973
I mean that.

1975
01:21:21,076 --> 01:21:23,010
She has outstanding timing,

1976
01:21:23,111 --> 01:21:25,011
and she takes her work
very seriously.

1977
01:21:25,113 --> 01:21:26,774
And if I didn't marry
my Barbara,

1978
01:21:26,882 --> 01:21:29,510
I would have married Joan,
and with that remark...

1979
01:21:29,618 --> 01:21:31,245
Aah, gaah.

1980
01:21:31,353 --> 01:21:32,342
God.

1981
01:21:32,454 --> 01:21:34,285
Oh, God.
I was kidding around!

1982
01:21:34,389 --> 01:21:35,913
Oh, God, why?

1983
01:21:36,024 --> 01:21:37,616
<i>- Don Rickles is
in his late 80s,</i>

1984
01:21:37,726 --> 01:21:40,820
<i>and he is still hilarious.</i>

1985
01:21:40,929 --> 01:21:42,191
<i>He's like George Burns,</i>

1986
01:21:42,297 --> 01:21:45,323
<i>who was amazing
until he was in his late 90s,</i>

1987
01:21:45,433 --> 01:21:46,593
<i>and Phyllis Diller.</i>

1988
01:21:46,701 --> 01:21:50,102
<i>Until she was 92,
she just laid it down.</i>

1989
01:21:50,205 --> 01:21:52,139
And I'd like to beat them all,

1990
01:21:52,240 --> 01:21:54,708
and I think I will.

1991
01:21:54,809 --> 01:21:56,606
That's what's so sick.
I think I will.

1992
01:21:56,711 --> 01:21:59,509
First wife is always
some poor, dumb bitch

1993
01:21:59,614 --> 01:22:01,514
who he married on the way up.

1994
01:22:01,616 --> 01:22:03,948
Second wife is always like,
"Hello,"

1995
01:22:04,052 --> 01:22:05,917
and he's an asshole
and marries her.

1996
01:22:06,021 --> 01:22:07,352
And the third wife, he's 96.

1997
01:22:07,455 --> 01:22:08,479
The balls are on the ground.

1998
01:22:08,590 --> 01:22:09,750
She's 11.
She's Chinese.

1999
01:22:09,858 --> 01:22:11,052
"I ruv you."

2000
01:22:11,159 --> 01:22:12,592
[Laughter]

2001
01:22:12,694 --> 01:22:13,752
Thank you.

2002
01:22:13,862 --> 01:22:15,352
It's been a pleasure.

2003
01:22:15,463 --> 01:22:18,455
[Cheers and applause]

2004
01:22:18,566 --> 01:22:21,467
<i>[Rousing instrumental music]</i>

2005
01:22:21,569 --> 01:22:28,566
[Music continues]

2006
01:22:28,677 --> 01:22:31,407
<i>This is where I belong.</i>

2007
01:22:31,513 --> 01:22:38,419
<i>Only time I'm truly, truly
happy is when I am on a stage.</i>

2008
01:22:38,520 --> 01:22:40,545
- Why can't you do
a good job once?

2009
01:22:40,655 --> 01:22:42,020
It's embarrassing.

2010
01:22:42,123 --> 01:22:43,590
I keep saying,
"She's wonderful,"

2011
01:22:43,692 --> 01:22:46,092
and you always fail me.

2012
01:22:46,194 --> 01:22:48,162
<i>- I am a performer.</i>

2013
01:22:48,263 --> 01:22:49,992
<i>That is my life.</i>

2014
01:22:50,098 --> 01:22:52,760
<i>That is what I am.</i>

2015
01:22:52,867 --> 01:22:55,165
<i>That's it.</i>

2016
01:22:55,270 --> 01:23:03,268
[Music continues]

2017
01:23:06,748 --> 01:23:09,649
[upbeat music]

2018
01:23:09,751 --> 01:23:17,749
[Music continues]

2019
01:23:22,931 --> 01:23:24,990
- I do hate children,
and that's the truth.

2020
01:23:25,100 --> 01:23:26,897
Oh, God, so Halloween, and they,

2021
01:23:27,002 --> 01:23:28,833
"Oh, lady,
we don't like apples."

2022
01:23:28,937 --> 01:23:30,598
"Then just eat
the razor blades."

2023
01:23:30,705 --> 01:23:34,163
It is so...

2024
01:23:34,275 --> 01:23:35,708
- Joan, love you,
love you, love you.

2025
01:23:35,810 --> 01:23:36,708
- I love you, love you back.

2026
01:23:36,811 --> 01:23:37,835
Who do I make this to?

2027
01:23:37,946 --> 01:23:39,277
- Lucy.

2028
01:23:39,381 --> 01:23:40,905
- I can spell-
- I have all your jewelry.

2029
01:23:41,016 --> 01:23:43,143
Love you.

2030
01:23:43,251 --> 01:23:45,719
I love everything
you've done for women.

2031
01:23:45,820 --> 01:23:48,152
Love all your humor,
all your grace.

2032
01:23:48,256 --> 01:23:49,280
- Oh, thank you.

2033
01:23:49,391 --> 01:23:50,881
- You're the best.
- Oh, Lucy.

2034
01:23:50,992 --> 01:23:52,016
- Love you.

2035
01:23:52,127 --> 01:23:54,459
- Lucy, I love you back.

2036
01:23:57,832 --> 01:24:00,198
Surprise!

2037
01:24:00,301 --> 01:24:02,269
So bored that they're
taking torture away

2038
01:24:02,370 --> 01:24:03,667
in the United States.

2039
01:24:03,772 --> 01:24:04,864
Oh, it was-

2040
01:24:04,973 --> 01:24:07,271
Oh, like-like-
oh, like torture is bad.

2041
01:24:07,375 --> 01:24:09,070
"Oh, waterboarding,
waterboarding."

2042
01:24:09,177 --> 01:24:10,405
Oh, big fucking deal.

2043
01:24:10,512 --> 01:24:12,639
Try getting a bikini wax
one time.

2044
01:24:12,747 --> 01:24:15,011
Get a Brazilian wax.

2045
01:24:15,116 --> 01:24:20,179
You'll give up secrets
you never knew you had.

2046
01:24:20,288 --> 01:24:22,916
[Screams]

2047
01:24:23,024 --> 01:24:25,720
[Screams]

2048
01:24:25,827 --> 01:24:28,455
They're doing a documentary
of my life.

2049
01:24:28,563 --> 01:24:30,360
- And you said earlier
that they're just waiting

2050
01:24:30,465 --> 01:24:31,432
for the moment, right?

2051
01:24:31,533 --> 01:24:32,659
- They are praying
that I'll die

2052
01:24:32,767 --> 01:24:33,665
during this-this film.

2053
01:24:33,768 --> 01:24:35,133
Wouldn't that be great?

2054
01:24:35,236 --> 01:24:36,498
Wouldn't that be amazing?

2055
01:24:36,604 --> 01:24:38,970
They got the last year
of Joan Rivers.

2056
01:24:39,074 --> 01:24:40,974
It would give them such a hook.

2057
01:24:41,076 --> 01:24:42,839
- People would watch.
- People would watch.

2058
01:24:42,944 --> 01:24:44,104
- That's sick.

2059
01:24:44,212 --> 01:24:45,611
- I know, but wouldn't it-
but still,

2060
01:24:45,713 --> 01:24:46,680
sick but very commercial.

2061
01:24:46,781 --> 01:24:47,679
- You'd watch.

2062
01:24:47,782 --> 01:24:48,840
- I'd watch.

2063
01:24:48,950 --> 01:24:49,974
Wouldn't you?

2064
01:24:50,000 --> 01:24:53,118
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