0000
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:10,000
YoubetCash.net
Agen Judi Online Aman & Terpercaya

000
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:15,000
Bonus Cashback Bola 6%
Bonus Rollingan 0,80%

00
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:20,000
Welcome Bonus Rp 25.000
Extra Bonus Tambahan Withdraw Rp 2.000.000

0
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:25,000
CashBack Mix Parlay 100%
Bonus Ajak teman 45,2%

1
00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:10,962
[classical music playing]

2
00:00:16,134 --> 00:00:18,053
[applauding and cheering]

3
00:00:32,025 --> 00:00:33,860
Wow!

4
00:00:33,944 --> 00:00:35,612
Good evening, London.
You well?

5
00:00:35,695 --> 00:00:37,447
-[audience] Yes!
-Fabulous.

6
00:00:37,530 --> 00:00:39,282
You are in very safe hands this evening.

7
00:00:39,366 --> 00:00:42,661
I've been doing comedy now for, uh...
money and sex.

8
00:00:44,162 --> 00:00:45,538
It's going very well.

9
00:00:45,622 --> 00:00:46,873
I live in North London now,

10
00:00:46,957 --> 00:00:49,084
and a guy came up to me
in the high street near where I live.

11
00:00:49,167 --> 00:00:50,168
He was all excited.
He went... [gasps]

12
00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:51,503
"I didn't recognise you!"

13
00:00:52,170 --> 00:00:53,797
I said, "Yeah, you did."

14
00:00:57,926 --> 00:00:59,594
I should really have explained
when I walked on, as well,

15
00:00:59,678 --> 00:01:04,724
I look like this because my dad is Irish
and my mum is Roger Federer.

16
00:01:09,688 --> 00:01:11,773
[chuckles] Speaking of looks,

17
00:01:11,856 --> 00:01:15,193
we were watching
proper BBC News the other day

18
00:01:15,277 --> 00:01:18,238
and Liz Hurley came on the news.
Not like that, obviously.

19
00:01:18,321 --> 00:01:19,322
Ah...

20
00:01:22,659 --> 00:01:23,702
But she was on the news.

21
00:01:23,785 --> 00:01:26,329
She was promoting some new
TV show, and they did this thing.

22
00:01:26,413 --> 00:01:28,581
They would only get away
with doing this on the news.

23
00:01:28,665 --> 00:01:30,709
They put her age after her name.

24
00:01:30,792 --> 00:01:33,086
So, it said,
"Liz Hurley, 50."

25
00:01:33,169 --> 00:01:36,589
And my girlfriend turned to me and went,
"I hope I look that good when I'm 50."

26
00:01:36,673 --> 00:01:38,925
I said, "You don't look that good now.

27
00:01:40,885 --> 00:01:43,221
What do you think's gonna happen?

28
00:01:43,304 --> 00:01:46,850
You're gonna get to 49 and invent
a time machine, are you? Best of luck."

29
00:01:48,435 --> 00:01:49,728
Liz Hurley's a good-looking woman.

30
00:01:49,811 --> 00:01:51,396
-You'd agree with that, wouldn't you?
-[audience agrees]

31
00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:53,273
Yeah, I mean,
I don't wanna be crude...

32
00:01:53,356 --> 00:01:55,859
Well, I do wanna be crude,
but not till later on.

33
00:01:55,942 --> 00:01:57,152
I'll ease it in.

34
00:01:58,695 --> 00:02:00,113
It's a gift. Um...

35
00:02:01,281 --> 00:02:02,449
Liz Hurley's a good-looking woman.

36
00:02:02,532 --> 00:02:05,368
Put it this way,
I would ride her like a stolen bike.

37
00:02:09,581 --> 00:02:12,876
You look as if you may require
further clarification there, sir.

38
00:02:12,959 --> 00:02:16,421
What I'm saying is,
I would crawl over broken glass

39
00:02:16,504 --> 00:02:18,798
to suck the cock
of the last man that fucked her.

40
00:02:21,051 --> 00:02:23,636
We're all clear, we're all clear.
We're all caught up.

41
00:02:27,390 --> 00:02:30,060
Ladies spend ages
getting ready for a night out.

42
00:02:30,143 --> 00:02:31,144
Not all of them, obviously.

43
00:02:31,227 --> 00:02:32,645
[audience laughing]

44
00:02:34,230 --> 00:02:36,816
No, you were probably in a hurry.
Don't feel bad.

45
00:02:36,900 --> 00:02:38,735
I was just randomly pointing down
to whoever's sat there.

46
00:02:38,818 --> 00:02:42,072
So, that's... That is nothing
more than a happy coincidence.

47
00:02:43,239 --> 00:02:44,866
Well, you're laughing,
but the eyes are fucking daggers.

48
00:02:44,949 --> 00:02:46,868
I'm in all kinds of trouble.

49
00:02:47,911 --> 00:02:50,121
My girlfriend spends ages
getting ready for a night out.

50
00:02:50,205 --> 00:02:51,581
I'm not sure
what she's getting ready for.

51
00:02:51,664 --> 00:02:53,625
Disappointment is my best guess.

52
00:02:55,460 --> 00:02:57,462
Nando's and a movie.
That's our classic date night.

53
00:02:57,545 --> 00:03:00,048
And I love the cinema.
Don't get me wrong. Love the cinema.

54
00:03:00,131 --> 00:03:02,050
My only issue with the cinema,
it's only a little thing,

55
00:03:02,133 --> 00:03:03,176
but I get annoyed by the popcorn.

56
00:03:03,259 --> 00:03:07,305
I think the popcorn in a cinema should
have a very clear warning label on it,

57
00:03:07,388 --> 00:03:09,015
saying, "May contain nuts."

58
00:03:09,099 --> 00:03:12,268
Because if you're with me,
it might.

59
00:03:13,978 --> 00:03:17,190
"I know you said you wanted salty. Wait."

60
00:03:18,900 --> 00:03:21,194
Because I've cut a hole
in the bottom of the container.

61
00:03:21,277 --> 00:03:23,613
And I've sort of placed it there.

62
00:03:23,696 --> 00:03:26,157
And I've shoved my genitals
through the hole.

63
00:03:26,241 --> 00:03:28,409
And then when the lady I'm with
has reached in to get popcorn,

64
00:03:28,493 --> 00:03:30,954
innocently enough,
she's touched my genitals,

65
00:03:31,746 --> 00:03:33,456
and that's caused me to ejaculate.

66
00:03:34,791 --> 00:03:37,877
And it's that ejaculate that's caused
the salty flavour you're so familiar with.

67
00:03:39,754 --> 00:03:42,090
I'm happy to explain any
and all of these as we go through.

68
00:03:44,092 --> 00:03:46,094
It's clearly a mixed-ability group.

69
00:03:48,096 --> 00:03:49,806
Horror films.
Anyone else like horror films?

70
00:03:49,889 --> 00:03:50,932
[audience] Yes!

71
00:03:51,015 --> 00:03:53,017
I like watching horror films
hiding behind the sofa,

72
00:03:53,101 --> 00:03:55,562
'cause that way,
my neighbours don't know I'm there.

73
00:03:57,272 --> 00:04:00,775
I like those black-and-white films
where no one says anything.

74
00:04:00,859 --> 00:04:02,277
Interracial porn.

75
00:04:04,154 --> 00:04:06,406
Don't panic.
I've checked, and that one's fine.

76
00:04:09,075 --> 00:04:10,869
Flooding.
We had pretty bad flooding last year.

77
00:04:10,952 --> 00:04:15,248
I saw a woman on the news,
in her flooded front room, crying.

78
00:04:15,331 --> 00:04:18,293
I thought...
"Crying's not helping.

79
00:04:20,003 --> 00:04:22,380
If anything,
you're making matters worse, luv."

80
00:04:22,464 --> 00:04:24,132
[laughs]

81
00:04:24,215 --> 00:04:25,216
See, the flooding was pretty serious.

82
00:04:25,300 --> 00:04:27,218
We knew the flooding was serious
'cause it happened in London.

83
00:04:27,302 --> 00:04:28,303
That's when you know it's serious.

84
00:04:28,386 --> 00:04:31,222
It's not as bad when it happens
in the West Country, is it?

85
00:04:31,306 --> 00:04:34,058
Chance for them to get some use
out of those webbed fingers.

86
00:04:34,142 --> 00:04:35,643
[audience laughing]

87
00:04:38,897 --> 00:04:42,025
Oh, sorry, we're taping this this evening
for Netflix, so I should explain.

88
00:04:42,108 --> 00:04:44,986
The West Country, sort of Louisiana.
There you go.

89
00:04:45,069 --> 00:04:46,988
I'll translate as we go along.

90
00:04:47,071 --> 00:04:48,531
Is there anyone in
from the West Country?

91
00:04:48,615 --> 00:04:49,616
[man] Yes!

92
00:04:49,699 --> 00:04:52,327
Sorry, I didn't mean to ruin
your romantic night out with your sister.

93
00:04:52,410 --> 00:04:56,581
I was just making a joke.
Having a bit of fun. Having fun.

94
00:04:58,541 --> 00:05:02,045
Last time we had a white Christmas,
I made snow angels.

95
00:05:02,128 --> 00:05:04,672
I skidded on some ice
and took out three pedestrians.

96
00:05:06,090 --> 00:05:08,676
I recently wrote a book
about poltergeists.

97
00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,221
And I'm pleased to say
it is flying off the shelves.

98
00:05:12,764 --> 00:05:14,557
Proper fucking jokes in this show.

99
00:05:16,684 --> 00:05:19,062
My friend said to me,
"What rhymes with orange?"

100
00:05:19,145 --> 00:05:20,772
I said, "No, it doesn't."

101
00:05:24,275 --> 00:05:27,779
How do they get
all those drugs into our jails?

102
00:05:27,862 --> 00:05:30,406
I guess they're smuggled in
by some asshole.

103
00:05:31,950 --> 00:05:32,951
I've only given you a joke.

104
00:05:33,034 --> 00:05:34,118
You've just given me a look as if to say,

105
00:05:34,202 --> 00:05:36,579
"Yeah, so we do that.
What's your fucking problem?"

106
00:05:36,663 --> 00:05:38,331
What do you do for a living, sir?

107
00:05:40,166 --> 00:05:42,210
Have a little think.
I mean...

108
00:05:43,211 --> 00:05:45,129
I'm not busy.
Relax.

109
00:05:46,422 --> 00:05:47,840
You're an accountant?

110
00:05:47,924 --> 00:05:49,342
Where were you
when I fucking needed you, mate?

111
00:05:49,425 --> 00:05:52,428
-[audience laughing and applauding]
-Eh?

112
00:05:52,553 --> 00:05:55,848
No good showing up now.
No good showing up now.

113
00:05:55,932 --> 00:05:58,476
[laughing]

114
00:05:58,977 --> 00:06:01,145
If you're watching this on Netflix
in America, don't Google that.

115
00:06:01,229 --> 00:06:04,023
-I'm a good guy.
-[audience laughing]

116
00:06:06,776 --> 00:06:07,902
Shh!

117
00:06:09,112 --> 00:06:11,948
What a lot of comedians do on stage,
is they bullshit the audience.

118
00:06:12,031 --> 00:06:14,242
They'll tell an audience
they've recently broken up with a girl.

119
00:06:14,325 --> 00:06:15,368
It's bullshit.

120
00:06:15,451 --> 00:06:17,328
The reason they do it
is to elicit sympathy

121
00:06:17,412 --> 00:06:20,373
from attractive female audience
members, so then after the show,

122
00:06:20,456 --> 00:06:22,834
they've got that sympathy in
when they're chatting to them at the bar.

123
00:06:22,917 --> 00:06:24,711
They can try and sort of chat 'em up,
try and pick 'em up,

124
00:06:24,794 --> 00:06:26,838
ultimately, try and shag them.

125
00:06:26,921 --> 00:06:28,548
Rest assured,
I would never do that

126
00:06:28,631 --> 00:06:32,218
because I think it would be disrespectful
to the memory of my wife.

127
00:06:38,558 --> 00:06:39,976
I just need to be held.

128
00:06:42,895 --> 00:06:44,772
Have we got any Christians in?
Is anyone here a Christian?

129
00:06:44,856 --> 00:06:45,898
[man] Whoo!

130
00:06:45,982 --> 00:06:47,567
Christian there?
What's your name, sir?

131
00:06:47,650 --> 00:06:48,818
Andreas.

132
00:06:48,901 --> 00:06:50,611
Andreas?
Well, very nice to have you in.

133
00:06:50,695 --> 00:06:52,155
An offer just for you, Andreas.

134
00:06:52,238 --> 00:06:56,034
Would you be interested, Andreas,
in buying some magic beans?

135
00:06:58,244 --> 00:07:02,165
I'm only asking you, Andreas,
'cause you are fucking gullible.

136
00:07:02,248 --> 00:07:05,001
[audience laughing and applauding]

137
00:07:06,461 --> 00:07:08,963
I'm sure Andreas won't mind me
sharing that with the group.

138
00:07:09,047 --> 00:07:10,131
You know you are.

139
00:07:10,632 --> 00:07:13,092
You believe the story
of a 14-year-old girl

140
00:07:13,176 --> 00:07:14,844
who finds herself pregnant.

141
00:07:14,927 --> 00:07:17,555
And when asked about the pregnancy,
as well she might be,

142
00:07:17,639 --> 00:07:19,390
she goes,
"This? Not what you think.

143
00:07:20,308 --> 00:07:21,934
I was raped by a ghost."

144
00:07:23,353 --> 00:07:25,396
Really, Andreas?

145
00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:27,190
Fast-forward 2,000 years.

146
00:07:27,273 --> 00:07:29,859
Jeremy Kyle,

147
00:07:29,942 --> 00:07:30,985
would you believe her then?

148
00:07:32,737 --> 00:07:34,656
Would you?
Fuck!

149
00:07:34,739 --> 00:07:36,658
I mean, you'd watch it,
but you'd watch it thinking,

150
00:07:36,741 --> 00:07:39,243
"Joseph, mug. Mary, slag."

151
00:07:41,454 --> 00:07:43,373
Daily Mail

152
00:07:43,456 --> 00:07:47,085
"Immigrant Teen Mum Benefits Cheat
Living in Luxury Shed."

153
00:07:49,712 --> 00:07:52,006
"Have you declared that gold,
frankincense and myrrh?"

154
00:07:52,924 --> 00:07:54,634
Andreas, you don't look annoyed.
You all right?

155
00:07:54,717 --> 00:07:56,260
-Yeah.
-You're fine. Of course you are.

156
00:07:56,344 --> 00:07:58,221
I got a guy annoyed
with that the other week.

157
00:07:58,304 --> 00:07:59,681
I did that bit of material,

158
00:07:59,764 --> 00:08:01,641
and there was a guy down the front,
a middle-class guy,

159
00:08:01,724 --> 00:08:02,767
I got him really annoyed.

160
00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:04,268
You can tell when you've
annoyed someone middle class

161
00:08:04,352 --> 00:08:05,353
'cause they get a bit bobbly-headed.

162
00:08:07,605 --> 00:08:10,775
He had a point to make,
and it was rattling around in his head.

163
00:08:12,777 --> 00:08:14,028
I said, "What's your point?"

164
00:08:14,112 --> 00:08:17,031
He said, "I notice you make those jokes
about Jesus and the Christians,

165
00:08:17,115 --> 00:08:20,827
but would you say that about Muhammad
or the Islamic faith, I wonder?"

166
00:08:22,328 --> 00:08:24,080
I said, "It's a very good point.
Well made.

167
00:08:24,163 --> 00:08:25,998
Have you thought about
blowing something up?

168
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:29,627
No one's scared of you."

169
00:08:31,045 --> 00:08:33,589
Seriously, what are you gonna do, Andreas?
Forgive me?

170
00:08:37,635 --> 00:08:40,805
I try not to censor myself on stage.
I should say that early on.

171
00:08:40,888 --> 00:08:42,181
You know,
if I think something's funny,

172
00:08:42,265 --> 00:08:43,766
I think you might think
it was funny as well,

173
00:08:43,850 --> 00:08:45,560
and then we'd all have a laugh,
release some endorphins,

174
00:08:45,643 --> 00:08:47,520
and the world would be
a very slightly better place, yeah?

175
00:08:47,603 --> 00:08:49,814
And if anyone's offended,
eh, fuck 'em!

176
00:08:51,524 --> 00:08:54,068
But I wrote a joke recently
that I worry about telling.

177
00:08:54,152 --> 00:08:56,279
I wrote a joke about
the negative stereotypes

178
00:08:56,362 --> 00:08:59,157
that still prevail in our society
concerning women.

179
00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:00,283
And I worry about telling that joke,

180
00:09:00,366 --> 00:09:02,660
because I worry,
"Well, if I were to tell that joke

181
00:09:02,744 --> 00:09:05,413
and it were to be misconstrued
as genuine misogyny,

182
00:09:05,496 --> 00:09:08,875
it could really light the fuse
on some bitch's tampon.

183
00:09:11,753 --> 00:09:15,047
I would feel awful.
I'm not sexist.

184
00:09:15,131 --> 00:09:19,010
I've got nothing but respect
for every woman I've ever slung one up.

185
00:09:21,971 --> 00:09:24,599
Pride and Prejudice.

186
00:09:26,225 --> 00:09:28,686
Spoiler alert, in the end,
Mr Darcy slings one up her.

187
00:09:28,770 --> 00:09:30,396
It's very good.

188
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:32,190
Oh, here's an interesting fact.

189
00:09:32,273 --> 00:09:36,360
The most common superstition in Britain
today is a belief in horoscopes.

190
00:09:36,444 --> 00:09:39,447
And there's a name for people
that believe in horoscopes.

191
00:09:39,530 --> 00:09:41,657
They're called single women.

192
00:09:44,702 --> 00:09:46,412
Are there any single ladies in?
Shout, single ladies!

193
00:09:46,496 --> 00:09:47,789
[women] Whoo!

194
00:09:47,872 --> 00:09:50,082
Who's the single lady down there,
give us your... What's your name?

195
00:09:50,166 --> 00:09:51,709
-[woman] Laura.
-Laura?

196
00:09:51,793 --> 00:09:52,835
What's your date of birth?
What month?

197
00:09:52,919 --> 00:09:55,505
-February.
-What star sign is that?

198
00:09:55,588 --> 00:09:57,298
[audience] Pisces.
[Jimmy] Pisces.

199
00:09:57,381 --> 00:09:59,425
So February,
and what's the exact date?

200
00:09:59,509 --> 00:10:00,802
Twenty-sixth.

201
00:10:03,513 --> 00:10:04,806
The 26th?

202
00:10:06,390 --> 00:10:08,059
It's just, you die alone.

203
00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:13,981
Normally, this is a really
upbeat bit of the show.

204
00:10:14,065 --> 00:10:16,776
Nine times out of ten,
Mr Right is just around the corner, but...

205
00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:19,737
[exhales]

206
00:10:19,821 --> 00:10:22,281
[laughing]

207
00:10:22,365 --> 00:10:23,908
Well, not alone-alone.
A cat eats your face.

208
00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:25,660
But it's not great news, is it?
It's not...

209
00:10:28,538 --> 00:10:31,082
I really hope this hasn't ruined
your last night out.

210
00:10:31,916 --> 00:10:33,793
So, we should find out more.
What do you do?

211
00:10:33,876 --> 00:10:35,211
I'm a student.

212
00:10:35,294 --> 00:10:36,546
You're a student.
And what are you studying?

213
00:10:36,629 --> 00:10:38,089
-Engineering.
-Engineering?

214
00:10:38,172 --> 00:10:39,674
-Where are you from?
-China.

215
00:10:39,757 --> 00:10:40,800
From China?

216
00:10:41,425 --> 00:10:43,135
I'm fucking big in China.
Well done, me.

217
00:10:46,472 --> 00:10:48,766
Are you living here, or you're just...
You're visiting?

218
00:10:48,850 --> 00:10:51,143
And you decided,
"I'll tell you who I want to see.

219
00:10:51,227 --> 00:10:52,311
That fella."

220
00:10:54,605 --> 00:10:56,440
You've made a terrible decision.
This is filth.

221
00:10:59,569 --> 00:11:03,114
You definitely didn't Google me in China.
I'll tell you that for nothing.

222
00:11:03,197 --> 00:11:05,783
There's no way
I made it past that firewall.

223
00:11:05,867 --> 00:11:07,743
-Um...
-[audience laughing]

224
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:10,871
[audience applauding and cheering]

225
00:11:14,250 --> 00:11:15,543
Tremendous!

226
00:11:18,504 --> 00:11:20,715
Some people think it's good luck
if a bird shits on them.

227
00:11:20,798 --> 00:11:23,509
And they're called German porn stars.

228
00:11:26,971 --> 00:11:28,306
If you don't get it, Google it.

229
00:11:30,141 --> 00:11:32,643
I find most young women
make a lot of noise in the bedroom.

230
00:11:32,727 --> 00:11:35,438
I guess they're not expecting
to see anyone at their window.

231
00:11:40,985 --> 00:11:41,986
Now, my job is writing jokes.

232
00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:43,195
All I've got to do for a living
is write jokes.

233
00:11:43,279 --> 00:11:45,948
Pretty easy job to have. Now, sometimes,
I don't even have to do that.

234
00:11:46,032 --> 00:11:48,326
Sometimes, you just overhear people
saying something, and you think,

235
00:11:48,409 --> 00:11:50,578
"Well, I can just tell people
what I overheard, and that's enough.

236
00:11:50,661 --> 00:11:52,496
Just report speech.
That'll do."

237
00:11:52,580 --> 00:11:55,124
I had this happen recently.
I was in a supermarket car park.

238
00:11:55,207 --> 00:11:57,001
You couldn't find
a more boring place to be.

239
00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:58,461
Just walking back to my car with a coffee.

240
00:11:58,544 --> 00:12:00,379
I overheard these two men
having a conversation.

241
00:12:00,463 --> 00:12:02,798
It was clearly gonna be a fight,
but it wasn't a fight yet.

242
00:12:03,382 --> 00:12:05,092
So as I walked by,
I just heard a snippet of conversation.

243
00:12:05,176 --> 00:12:06,177
That is all I needed.

244
00:12:06,260 --> 00:12:07,678
I'll tell you what one man
said to another man,

245
00:12:07,762 --> 00:12:10,264
we'll all have a laugh,
and we'll move on with our lives.

246
00:12:10,348 --> 00:12:11,432
I heard one man say to another,

247
00:12:11,515 --> 00:12:14,810
"You can't park in a disabled bay,
you spastic!"

248
00:12:14,894 --> 00:12:16,646
[audience laughing]

249
00:12:19,231 --> 00:12:21,275
Shut the front door!

250
00:12:21,359 --> 00:12:24,028
"You can't park in a disabled bay,
you spastic"?

251
00:12:24,111 --> 00:12:27,281
How could you be that right
and that wrong that quickly?

252
00:12:29,825 --> 00:12:30,868
It's remarkable!

253
00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:33,829
Of course, political correctness
has changed the world.

254
00:12:33,913 --> 00:12:36,374
I don't mind tackling the tough topics.

255
00:12:36,457 --> 00:12:38,751
Here's my view on immigration.

256
00:12:38,834 --> 00:12:41,545
I sort of think these Bulgarians
and these Romanians,

257
00:12:41,629 --> 00:12:44,799
they come over here,
taking our Polish people's jobs.

258
00:12:45,716 --> 00:12:48,761
[audience laughing and applauding]

259
00:12:51,097 --> 00:12:53,349
People that adhere
to political correctness are,

260
00:12:53,432 --> 00:12:55,976
in my opinion, retarded faggots.

261
00:12:58,938 --> 00:13:01,107
I can see some of you
sitting in judgement, thinking,

262
00:13:01,190 --> 00:13:03,317
"'Retarded faggots.'
That is an offensive phrase."

263
00:13:03,401 --> 00:13:04,902
But it's not that offensive a phrase.

264
00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:06,904
Not when you compare it
to my impersonation of...

265
00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:08,447
a retarded faggot.

266
00:13:09,907 --> 00:13:12,952
"I want a cock in me.
I'm a really good bummer."

267
00:13:15,204 --> 00:13:16,664
That's offensive.

268
00:13:18,082 --> 00:13:21,460
Compared to that,
phrase doesn't seem as bad now, does it?

269
00:13:23,129 --> 00:13:25,756
I've been described, London,
as a sex symbol.

270
00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:27,717
And that symbol is a question mark.

271
00:13:29,844 --> 00:13:31,429
Followed by a "no".
[chuckles]

272
00:13:33,139 --> 00:13:35,182
I've had sex
with a lot of different woman.

273
00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:40,104
The first time I had sex,
I wanted it to be special.

274
00:13:40,187 --> 00:13:42,189
Well, not special-special,
but consensual.

275
00:13:44,984 --> 00:13:47,570
I actually didn't lose my virginity
until I was in my 20s,

276
00:13:47,653 --> 00:13:49,488
and, really, the reason was being fussy.

277
00:13:49,572 --> 00:13:51,657
Most women are really... fussy.

278
00:13:52,742 --> 00:13:56,746
And what made it worse was my best friend
lost his virginity in year 11,

279
00:13:56,829 --> 00:13:59,540
which would have been pretty cool,
but he was home-schooled.

280
00:13:59,623 --> 00:14:01,208
[audience gasps and laughs]

281
00:14:02,585 --> 00:14:04,545
It's not as bad as you think.

282
00:14:04,628 --> 00:14:05,796
Fit mum.

283
00:14:07,923 --> 00:14:09,467
It could've been worse.
It could've been ugly dad.

284
00:14:09,550 --> 00:14:10,760
Cheer up, everyone.

285
00:14:13,304 --> 00:14:16,098
Well, look, I've got the easiest job here.
I just tell jokes.

286
00:14:16,182 --> 00:14:17,725
It doesn't get any easier
than telling jokes.

287
00:14:17,808 --> 00:14:19,185
Let's find out what other people do.

288
00:14:19,268 --> 00:14:21,145
Do we have any nurses in?
Is anyone a nurse?

289
00:14:21,228 --> 00:14:22,855
-[scattered cheers]
-A few nurses?

290
00:14:22,938 --> 00:14:25,775
You've got your hand up there.
What kind of a nurse are you?

291
00:14:25,858 --> 00:14:28,194
-[inaudible]
-You talk to them over the phone?

292
00:14:28,277 --> 00:14:30,071
-Yeah.
-Are you sure...

293
00:14:34,325 --> 00:14:36,869
If you're... If people think
you're dressed as a nurse,

294
00:14:36,952 --> 00:14:39,413
and you're chatting to them
on the phone, I think... I'm not sure...

295
00:14:42,666 --> 00:14:45,211
"You're feeling very stiff,
are you? I see.

296
00:14:46,921 --> 00:14:48,297
I think I can help."

297
00:14:49,215 --> 00:14:50,883
Any other nurses?
What else we got?

298
00:14:51,801 --> 00:14:55,096
Geriatric? Can't go wrong
with geriatric, can you?

299
00:14:55,179 --> 00:14:57,932
If you give 'em too much of something,
and then, "Oh, he's dead."

300
00:14:59,100 --> 00:15:01,268
No one's doing an autopsy
on a 91-year-old.

301
00:15:01,352 --> 00:15:02,436
Fuck it, you're fine.

302
00:15:05,189 --> 00:15:06,690
Any others?

303
00:15:06,774 --> 00:15:07,775
[woman] Intensive care!

304
00:15:07,858 --> 00:15:09,985
Intensive care?
That's interesting.

305
00:15:10,069 --> 00:15:12,696
So the other nurses...
Do you care about your patients?

306
00:15:14,031 --> 00:15:16,575
You care? Do you care about your patients?
Do you?

307
00:15:16,659 --> 00:15:20,246
Little bit.
Not like she fucking cares.

308
00:15:20,329 --> 00:15:21,747
Intensively.

309
00:15:26,127 --> 00:15:27,711
"Hope they make it."

310
00:15:27,795 --> 00:15:29,255
Any others?
What else we got?

311
00:15:29,338 --> 00:15:30,881
[woman 1] Paediatric!
[woman 2] Student!

312
00:15:30,965 --> 00:15:32,049
Sorry, student?

313
00:15:32,133 --> 00:15:33,592
We should get together
and have a chat after the show

314
00:15:33,676 --> 00:15:35,636
'cause I'm also not a nurse.

315
00:15:38,681 --> 00:15:40,141
-What, sorry?
-[woman shouts indistinctly]

316
00:15:40,224 --> 00:15:41,976
Sorry, did you just say dental?

317
00:15:42,059 --> 00:15:43,352
A dental nurse?

318
00:15:43,435 --> 00:15:45,688
Well, I think we can all agree,
that doesn't count.

319
00:15:46,981 --> 00:15:49,316
-Definitely doesn't count. No way.
-[audience applauding]

320
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:50,568
Are you joking?

321
00:15:55,531 --> 00:15:57,783
Let me ask you, sir.
I don't know what you do for a living.

322
00:15:57,867 --> 00:16:00,202
If I gave you
a disgusting pink fluid to drink,

323
00:16:00,286 --> 00:16:03,414
and there was a sink there,
and I said, "Rinse",

324
00:16:03,497 --> 00:16:05,332
-would you be able to...
-[inaudible]

325
00:16:05,416 --> 00:16:07,251
...work out where to spit it?

326
00:16:07,877 --> 00:16:08,919
You would?

327
00:16:09,003 --> 00:16:11,547
We don't need you!
We don't need you.

328
00:16:15,259 --> 00:16:18,596
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer
in her pocket and thinks,

329
00:16:18,679 --> 00:16:20,181
"Some asshole's got my pen."

330
00:16:24,268 --> 00:16:25,311
Social networking sites.

331
00:16:25,394 --> 00:16:26,770
Are you all
on the social networking sites?

332
00:16:26,854 --> 00:16:27,938
[audience] Yeah!

333
00:16:28,022 --> 00:16:30,191
They're bloody good, aren't they?
They help people to meet people.

334
00:16:30,274 --> 00:16:31,358
That's what they do brilliantly.

335
00:16:31,442 --> 00:16:32,985
I've got a friend of mine,
gay friend of mine,

336
00:16:33,068 --> 00:16:34,403
joined Grindr a couple of weeks ago,

337
00:16:34,486 --> 00:16:36,197
and his social life
has been such a whirlwind,

338
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:37,990
he's hardly been able to sit down.

339
00:16:41,285 --> 00:16:43,495
That's a joke about
super-aggressive anal sex.

340
00:16:44,163 --> 00:16:47,583
You got that?
Well, that is to your credit.

341
00:16:48,751 --> 00:16:50,961
Lesbians get a lot out of Internet dating.

342
00:16:51,045 --> 00:16:52,671
I'll explain.

343
00:16:52,755 --> 00:16:55,341
We've all got pretty good gaydar
these days, haven't we?

344
00:16:55,424 --> 00:16:57,593
We're all familiar with gaydar,
the term, yes?

345
00:16:57,676 --> 00:16:58,677
[man] Yeah, yes.

346
00:16:58,802 --> 00:17:01,305
So gaydar is the voice in your head that,
when you meet a gay guy, goes,

347
00:17:01,388 --> 00:17:02,431
"Oh, a gay guy."

348
00:17:03,849 --> 00:17:05,559
If you say out loud,

349
00:17:05,643 --> 00:17:07,811
"Bummer on the loose!
Bummer on the loose!"

350
00:17:08,812 --> 00:17:11,982
That is homophobia.
Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

351
00:17:14,026 --> 00:17:15,903
Yeah, I just said that.
Deal with it.

352
00:17:17,071 --> 00:17:20,616
But with lesbians, the gaydar certainly
needs to be more finely tuned, doesn't it?

353
00:17:20,699 --> 00:17:22,534
For the lesbians,
it needs to be more finely tuned.

354
00:17:22,618 --> 00:17:25,746
But, yeah, sometimes, it's very difficult
to know whether a woman is a lesbian

355
00:17:25,829 --> 00:17:28,624
or just a regular girl
in a very bad mood.

356
00:17:28,707 --> 00:17:30,417
[audience laughing]

357
00:17:32,336 --> 00:17:34,546
And if you're a lesbian,
and you didn't find that funny,

358
00:17:34,630 --> 00:17:36,382
well, you've proved my point for me.

359
00:17:38,592 --> 00:17:42,263
Are there any lesbians in?
Does anyone favour the flatter shoe?

360
00:17:42,346 --> 00:17:44,431
[scattered whistling]

361
00:17:44,515 --> 00:17:46,350
Any lady golfers?

362
00:17:47,768 --> 00:17:50,104
Is anyone here "allergic to nuts"?

363
00:17:52,564 --> 00:17:55,234
Would any of the women in here
describe themselves as crack addicts?

364
00:17:55,317 --> 00:17:57,152
[audience laughing]

365
00:18:00,155 --> 00:18:01,699
Or vagitarian?

366
00:18:05,911 --> 00:18:07,746
Seriously, are there any lesbians in?

367
00:18:07,830 --> 00:18:09,123
[scattered cheers]

368
00:18:09,206 --> 00:18:11,292
[audience laughing and applauding]

369
00:18:14,545 --> 00:18:16,630
Well, you're definitely
one of the butcher ones, aren't ya?

370
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:24,054
Maybe there are none in.
That would be a very weird thing.

371
00:18:24,138 --> 00:18:25,723
Maybe no one's full-time.

372
00:18:27,975 --> 00:18:30,436
Gay dudes pretty much
go full-time, don't they?

373
00:18:30,519 --> 00:18:34,356
You meet very few bisexual men.
I've met, like, a handful in my life.

374
00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:37,735
Of bisexual men.
They're like fucking unicorns.

375
00:18:38,736 --> 00:18:40,988
Men make a decision about dicks early on.

376
00:18:41,905 --> 00:18:44,575
Either, "This one's good.
The rest can fuck off."

377
00:18:45,492 --> 00:18:48,662
Or, "These are all delicious!"
[gurgling]

378
00:18:52,166 --> 00:18:54,710
It's one or the other forever.

379
00:18:55,669 --> 00:18:57,963
Whereas, with the lesbians,
it could be a mood thing, can't it?

380
00:18:58,047 --> 00:18:59,423
It could be a mood thing.

381
00:19:00,591 --> 00:19:02,634
"Spaghetti" is, I believe, the term.

382
00:19:04,345 --> 00:19:05,429
Straight until wet.

383
00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:07,264
[audience groaning and laughing]

384
00:19:08,682 --> 00:19:12,353
If you're not laughing, you're learning.
And that's great, too. Great to learn.

385
00:19:14,146 --> 00:19:16,023
We had a lovely
lesbian couple in recently.

386
00:19:16,106 --> 00:19:17,399
They were sitting
sort of front and centre.

387
00:19:17,483 --> 00:19:18,817
And I got chatting to them.

388
00:19:18,901 --> 00:19:20,736
And, you know,
as well I might, I said,

389
00:19:20,819 --> 00:19:23,364
"Girls, what would it take
to get you back on solids?"

390
00:19:26,033 --> 00:19:28,744
And one of the girls, quick as a flash,
went, "12 inches."

391
00:19:29,828 --> 00:19:31,622
I said,
"Well, I could give you 12 inches...

392
00:19:31,705 --> 00:19:33,082
in three instalments."

393
00:19:34,833 --> 00:19:36,668
Of course, the big question,
at the moment, globally, is

394
00:19:36,752 --> 00:19:38,212
"Should gay men
be allowed to get married?"

395
00:19:38,295 --> 00:19:41,298
And I'm a liberal. I say yes,
as long as they find the right woman.

396
00:19:43,634 --> 00:19:45,969
I could have been gay.
I failed the oral.

397
00:19:47,304 --> 00:19:49,556
Don't neglect the balls.
There's a lesson. [chuckles]

398
00:19:51,517 --> 00:19:54,436
There is one sexual grouping
that annoys me in society, one grouping.

399
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:56,146
And it's actually heterosexual men.

400
00:19:56,730 --> 00:19:58,065
It's only been the last couple of years.

401
00:19:58,148 --> 00:20:00,901
8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown.

402
00:20:00,984 --> 00:20:04,530
As a result of doing that show,
I'm now associated with Rachel Riley.

403
00:20:04,613 --> 00:20:06,407
-And as a result of that...
-[audience cheers]

404
00:20:06,490 --> 00:20:07,866
Well, this is the problem.

405
00:20:08,742 --> 00:20:11,537
I'll be on trains, in bars, hotels,
wherever I happen to be.

406
00:20:11,620 --> 00:20:13,705
Men will come up to me.
They won't even say hello to me.

407
00:20:13,789 --> 00:20:16,959
They'll just come up to me and go,
"Rachel Riley. I'd give her one!"

408
00:20:18,210 --> 00:20:20,671
"Well, she'll be thrilled.
How can we get in touch?"

409
00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:24,007
I mean, I get it.
Rachel Riley is a very attractive woman.

410
00:20:24,091 --> 00:20:26,218
If she was my daughter,
I'd still be bathing her.

411
00:20:26,301 --> 00:20:27,845
[audience exclaiming and laughing]

412
00:20:32,224 --> 00:20:33,600
True story. Um...

413
00:20:34,726 --> 00:20:36,812
But let's be realistic.

414
00:20:36,895 --> 00:20:39,690
I'm 43 years of age.
Rachel Riley is 28.

415
00:20:39,773 --> 00:20:42,776
I look at her and think,
"Aw, if only you were ten years younger."

416
00:20:45,904 --> 00:20:47,448
The thing that's annoying
about straight men, as well,

417
00:20:47,531 --> 00:20:49,783
it's all about surface.
Just about looks and nothing else.

418
00:20:49,867 --> 00:20:52,953
It's never about her mind.
And her mind is the extraordinary thing.

419
00:20:53,036 --> 00:20:56,331
She's so clever. She's like a walking,
talking Stephen Hawking.

420
00:21:00,419 --> 00:21:03,297
She's brainier than
Kurt Cobain's garage ceiling.

421
00:21:03,380 --> 00:21:05,174
[audience exclaiming and laughing]

422
00:21:06,967 --> 00:21:08,260
Too soon?

423
00:21:09,553 --> 00:21:11,388
Fuck him.
He was always shooting his mouth off.

424
00:21:13,682 --> 00:21:14,683
I think everyone's here.

425
00:21:14,766 --> 00:21:16,977
Is there an empty seat there
in the middle?

426
00:21:17,603 --> 00:21:19,438
You haven't been stood up for a date,
have you, madam?

427
00:21:19,521 --> 00:21:21,023
-No.
-No?

428
00:21:21,106 --> 00:21:23,233
-It's her carer.
-It's her carer?

429
00:21:23,317 --> 00:21:24,318
[audience laughing]

430
00:21:26,445 --> 00:21:29,239
Someone's not getting laid tonight,
but totally worth it, sir. Well played.

431
00:21:29,990 --> 00:21:31,992
-100% worth it.
-[audience applauding]

432
00:21:32,576 --> 00:21:33,702
Good on you.

433
00:21:35,162 --> 00:21:38,081
I had great latecomers the other week.
So, I think everyone's here,

434
00:21:38,165 --> 00:21:39,416
but I had great latecomers the other week.

435
00:21:39,500 --> 00:21:41,668
So I was playing this venue,
and it had a wooden floor.

436
00:21:41,752 --> 00:21:44,463
And this couple walked in about,
you know, half an hour into the show.

437
00:21:44,546 --> 00:21:48,300
They walked in, and the lady
had really clumpy shoes on.

438
00:21:48,383 --> 00:21:49,426
So as she walked in,

439
00:21:49,510 --> 00:21:51,929
it was, like, the loudest thing
you've ever heard, as she walked in.

440
00:21:52,012 --> 00:21:54,473
And it really pulled focus,
and they sat sort of front and centre.

441
00:21:54,556 --> 00:21:55,766
And so, I thought,
"Well, I'd better say hello."

442
00:21:55,849 --> 00:21:57,518
I said, "Well, how come
you guys are late?"

443
00:21:58,060 --> 00:21:59,686
And the guy said,
really aggressively, he said,

444
00:21:59,770 --> 00:22:01,021
"She's pregnant."

445
00:22:02,523 --> 00:22:06,109
Immediately, I'm on the back foot.
I went, "Right. When's it due?"

446
00:22:06,193 --> 00:22:08,153
And he went,
"About nine months."

447
00:22:12,115 --> 00:22:13,700
Fucking legend!

448
00:22:15,786 --> 00:22:18,413
Now some of you sent me
text messages during the evening,

449
00:22:18,497 --> 00:22:19,790
and thank you very much.

450
00:22:19,873 --> 00:22:22,834
And some of you sent me text messages,
and fuck you very much.

451
00:22:24,294 --> 00:22:26,421
I'll show you what I mean.
First one in.

452
00:22:27,339 --> 00:22:29,883
"Jimmy, are you disappointed that
instead of being hung like a donkey,

453
00:22:29,967 --> 00:22:31,677
you laugh like one?"

454
00:22:31,802 --> 00:22:33,845
[audience laughing and applauding]

455
00:22:36,723 --> 00:22:38,517
[laughing]

456
00:22:39,434 --> 00:22:41,645
I really wish I didn't laugh at that.

457
00:22:41,728 --> 00:22:43,021
Especially like that.

458
00:22:44,231 --> 00:22:47,025
"What's the difference between
three cocks and a joke?

459
00:22:47,109 --> 00:22:48,610
Your mum can't take a joke."

460
00:22:52,823 --> 00:22:56,702
"Can you stop dissing my dad?
Thanks, Jesus."

461
00:22:58,620 --> 00:22:59,663
Is that Andreas?

462
00:23:01,081 --> 00:23:04,251
Have you got an emoji
of a church on your phone?

463
00:23:04,334 --> 00:23:05,377
Tragic.

464
00:23:06,837 --> 00:23:08,046
[chuckles]

465
00:23:08,130 --> 00:23:11,300
"Went to my daughter's
netball finals the other day!

466
00:23:11,383 --> 00:23:12,551
What a semi!"

467
00:23:13,051 --> 00:23:14,928
[laughing]

468
00:23:21,852 --> 00:23:25,689
"Hey, Jimmy.
It's mine and my boyfriend's one year.

469
00:23:25,772 --> 00:23:26,815
Threesome?"

470
00:23:27,941 --> 00:23:30,068
Well, whose one-year anniversary is it?
Where are you?

471
00:23:31,028 --> 00:23:32,821
Hello, how are you?

472
00:23:32,904 --> 00:23:34,823
Can I just have a look?

473
00:23:36,825 --> 00:23:38,493
Nah, I'll be all right, thanks.

474
00:23:38,577 --> 00:23:39,995
[audience laughing]

475
00:23:42,456 --> 00:23:44,416
"What is your stance on midget porn?"

476
00:23:47,127 --> 00:23:48,503
Like a deep lunge.

477
00:23:48,587 --> 00:23:50,339
[audience laughing]

478
00:23:54,593 --> 00:23:56,345
Sorry, sir, we made eye contact.

479
00:23:56,428 --> 00:23:58,889
I really feel like
we're in this together now, mate.

480
00:24:03,727 --> 00:24:05,604
That's tough on the hamstrings.

481
00:24:07,939 --> 00:24:10,150
"Please, can you take
the piss out of my fiancée?

482
00:24:10,233 --> 00:24:12,486
She's five months pregnant and ginger."

483
00:24:12,569 --> 00:24:14,404
[audience laughing]

484
00:24:14,488 --> 00:24:16,573
[laughing]

485
00:24:16,656 --> 00:24:18,950
Where's the ginger pregnant lady?
Where are you?

486
00:24:19,034 --> 00:24:20,077
I'm not gonna take the piss.

487
00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:23,205
I'll say to you what I say to all
ginger women I meet who are pregnant.

488
00:24:23,288 --> 00:24:24,331
Well done!

489
00:24:26,541 --> 00:24:29,252
Well done.
You tricked someone into fucking that!

490
00:24:32,172 --> 00:24:33,882
[laughing]

491
00:24:34,841 --> 00:24:38,220
"I became a proud dad today.

492
00:24:38,303 --> 00:24:39,346
My son is actually four,

493
00:24:39,429 --> 00:24:41,223
but he was a boring little cunt
for the first three years."

494
00:24:44,768 --> 00:24:47,396
[laughing]

495
00:24:47,479 --> 00:24:49,606
There's a ring of truth there,
isn't there?

496
00:24:49,689 --> 00:24:51,566
"He doesn't do much.
He can't even kick a fucking ball."

497
00:24:53,610 --> 00:24:58,156
"Hi, Jimmy. What would you do
to make a wedding day stand out

498
00:24:58,240 --> 00:24:59,699
and be even more special?"

499
00:25:00,492 --> 00:25:01,952
Leave her at the aisle.

500
00:25:03,537 --> 00:25:05,414
Who's getting married?
Who sent me that? Who's...

501
00:25:05,497 --> 00:25:07,165
You two are getting married?

502
00:25:07,249 --> 00:25:09,501
You are... I mean,
I don't want to be rude to you, sir.

503
00:25:09,584 --> 00:25:10,669
You seem like a lovely fella,

504
00:25:10,752 --> 00:25:12,796
but you are punching
way above your weight.

505
00:25:14,464 --> 00:25:15,841
That's unbelievable.
How have you done that?

506
00:25:15,924 --> 00:25:17,300
Has she got low self-esteem
or have you got money?

507
00:25:17,384 --> 00:25:18,427
What's going on?

508
00:25:20,804 --> 00:25:24,015
You can't see it, but this is...
I mean, they're like different species.

509
00:25:24,099 --> 00:25:27,727
This is...
Well played, man, well played.

510
00:25:27,811 --> 00:25:29,354
Well, madam,
I've got a tip for you.

511
00:25:29,438 --> 00:25:31,231
Or if you like,
I could put the whole thing in.

512
00:25:31,314 --> 00:25:33,567
[audience laughing]

513
00:25:33,650 --> 00:25:35,569
[Jimmy laughs]

514
00:25:35,652 --> 00:25:38,029
She said yes, yeah?
She hasn't said much so far.

515
00:25:38,113 --> 00:25:39,489
You're 100% sure
she's gonna marry you?

516
00:25:39,573 --> 00:25:41,032
[mouthing] She's wearing the ring.

517
00:25:41,116 --> 00:25:42,367
She's wearing the ring?

518
00:25:42,451 --> 00:25:44,536
Yeah, 'cause girls hate jewellery.
I remember now.

519
00:25:46,371 --> 00:25:47,789
Fucking terrific.
Well played.

520
00:25:48,957 --> 00:25:50,041
Go on, what else have we got?

521
00:25:50,834 --> 00:25:52,210
"My son was thrown out of school today

522
00:25:52,294 --> 00:25:55,046
for letting a girl in his class
wank him off.

523
00:25:55,130 --> 00:25:57,883
I said,
'Son, that's three schools this year.

524
00:25:57,966 --> 00:25:59,759
Maybe teaching isn't for you.'"

525
00:25:59,843 --> 00:26:01,553
[audience laughing]

526
00:26:02,888 --> 00:26:05,474
[laughing]

527
00:26:06,766 --> 00:26:11,229
"Hey, Jimmy, what would be your advice
for finding my friend David a girlfriend?

528
00:26:11,313 --> 00:26:12,481
Thanks."

529
00:26:13,023 --> 00:26:14,483
Right, where's David?

530
00:26:14,566 --> 00:26:16,485
Hey, David.
How are you, mate?

531
00:26:16,568 --> 00:26:17,611
[David] I'm good.

532
00:26:17,694 --> 00:26:20,238
And you're looking for...
How long have you been single?

533
00:26:20,322 --> 00:26:22,491
-Too long.
-Too long?

534
00:26:22,574 --> 00:26:26,119
Not to worry.
Do you like engineering students?

535
00:26:28,246 --> 00:26:31,458
Of course you fucking do.
What do you think?

536
00:26:31,541 --> 00:26:32,709
[David replies indistinctly]

537
00:26:34,669 --> 00:26:36,880
You don't... Sorry.
"I don't live in this country"?

538
00:26:39,799 --> 00:26:42,010
Sir, do you remember earlier
when she was a student in this country,

539
00:26:42,093 --> 00:26:43,345
studying engineering?

540
00:26:44,262 --> 00:26:45,639
She's giving all that up...

541
00:26:46,681 --> 00:26:49,476
not to be with you,
but to make sure it doesn't happen.

542
00:26:49,559 --> 00:26:51,269
That is a...

543
00:26:51,353 --> 00:26:52,562
What do you do?

544
00:26:53,313 --> 00:26:55,273
-I work in a gym.
-You work in a gym?

545
00:26:55,357 --> 00:26:58,026
Okay. And do you...
Do you know that you're gay yet, or not?

546
00:26:58,109 --> 00:27:00,320
[audience laughing]

547
00:27:00,403 --> 00:27:04,574
'Cause I know this can be a tough way
to find out, but I've got the super...

548
00:27:04,658 --> 00:27:06,785
I've got, like, the deluxe gaydar,

549
00:27:06,868 --> 00:27:09,955
and it turns out
what you like is not that.

550
00:27:13,833 --> 00:27:16,169
You work in a gym, do ya?
Hmm...

551
00:27:18,588 --> 00:27:20,340
Are you muscly?

552
00:27:20,423 --> 00:27:23,134
Why am I seducing a man now?
This doesn't seem...

553
00:27:23,218 --> 00:27:25,262
[laughing]

554
00:27:25,345 --> 00:27:28,723
I'm gonna try and sleep with him
just to prove a point. Come on.

555
00:27:29,724 --> 00:27:32,852
Did any other single ladies
see him and like the idea?

556
00:27:32,936 --> 00:27:34,312
-[women] Whoo!
-You... I, well...

557
00:27:34,396 --> 00:27:35,564
That sounded like...

558
00:27:36,106 --> 00:27:39,234
I mean, I've also got "slagdar".
That...

559
00:27:40,610 --> 00:27:44,030
I mean, it might not be a relationship,
but that will fuck you in half.

560
00:27:44,948 --> 00:27:45,991
What else we got?

561
00:27:46,074 --> 00:27:48,201
"Jimmy, I went to the gym last week,

562
00:27:48,285 --> 00:27:51,871
and I noticed a hole in my trainer
big enough to put my finger in.

563
00:27:51,955 --> 00:27:54,874
Anyway, she made a formal complaint,
and I'm banned for life."

564
00:27:54,958 --> 00:27:56,751
[laughing]

565
00:28:01,172 --> 00:28:02,924
It's a shame that wasn't
a "he made a formal complaint."

566
00:28:03,008 --> 00:28:04,843
That would've been perfect.

567
00:28:04,926 --> 00:28:06,386
[chuckles]

568
00:28:06,469 --> 00:28:08,972
"What's the difference between
a lentil and a chickpea?"

569
00:28:09,055 --> 00:28:11,391
I don't know, what is the difference
between a lentil and a chickpea?

570
00:28:11,474 --> 00:28:13,518
"I wouldn't pay £200
to have a lentil on my face."

571
00:28:15,395 --> 00:28:17,147
[laughing]

572
00:28:21,443 --> 00:28:23,486
The Lego Movie."

573
00:28:25,822 --> 00:28:28,033
[audience cheering]

574
00:28:28,908 --> 00:28:30,952
"Don't let them take the piss
out of your clothes, Jimmy.

575
00:28:31,036 --> 00:28:32,829
That's the best material you've got."

576
00:28:32,912 --> 00:28:35,290
[audience laughing and applauding]

577
00:28:36,917 --> 00:28:38,168
So mean.

578
00:28:39,753 --> 00:28:41,171
Quite enough of that.

579
00:28:42,422 --> 00:28:44,466
[laughing] Thanks for those.

580
00:28:46,301 --> 00:28:48,595
My girlfriend gets annoyed
by my loud chewing,

581
00:28:48,678 --> 00:28:51,264
but I don't complain about
the pubes in my teeth.

582
00:28:53,266 --> 00:28:56,436
It's a joke!
My girlfriend hasn't got pubes.

583
00:28:57,687 --> 00:28:58,980
Yet.

584
00:28:59,064 --> 00:29:00,732
[audience laughing]

585
00:29:03,485 --> 00:29:06,696
If you only laughed when I said "yet",
you're a bad person.

586
00:29:08,615 --> 00:29:09,991
There's something you can get, gentlemen,

587
00:29:10,075 --> 00:29:13,411
if you have, or you perceive
that you have, a small penis.

588
00:29:14,329 --> 00:29:16,373
It's called an Audi convertible.

589
00:29:19,501 --> 00:29:21,670
Have you got an Audi convertible?

590
00:29:21,753 --> 00:29:25,423
She just gave you a look
like something in the joke related to you.

591
00:29:25,507 --> 00:29:26,967
You're saying
it definitely wasn't the car.

592
00:29:29,803 --> 00:29:32,430
Okay... [laughs]

593
00:29:32,514 --> 00:29:34,724
-What do you do for a living, sir?
-I'm an osteopath.

594
00:29:34,808 --> 00:29:38,520
An osteopath. Okay. I mean,
just say masseuse if you mean masseuse.

595
00:29:40,355 --> 00:29:44,651
Tired businessman away from home.
Full of questions.

596
00:29:44,734 --> 00:29:47,821
Curious as to what an osteopath might do.

597
00:29:47,904 --> 00:29:49,864
And what about you, the other half?
What do you do?

598
00:29:49,948 --> 00:29:51,783
-I'm his sister.
-You're his sister?

599
00:29:51,866 --> 00:29:53,451
[audience exclaims]

600
00:29:57,247 --> 00:29:58,748
Um, well, I don't approve.

601
00:30:00,667 --> 00:30:03,461
You're not the other half.
You're his sister. Okay.

602
00:30:03,545 --> 00:30:07,257
And you guys, you're just out
on a Saturday night... on a date.

603
00:30:09,718 --> 00:30:12,303
This is the worst Tinder has ever got it.

604
00:30:13,847 --> 00:30:15,140
It's my birthday present.

605
00:30:15,223 --> 00:30:16,766
This is your birthday present?

606
00:30:16,850 --> 00:30:17,892
Well, I...
Well, happy birthday.

607
00:30:17,976 --> 00:30:19,227
I can't ask your age 'cause you're a lady,

608
00:30:19,310 --> 00:30:20,645
but, um, how much do you weigh?

609
00:30:25,608 --> 00:30:27,277
Go on, what, what...
Is it a big birthday?

610
00:30:27,360 --> 00:30:28,987
-Is it a big birthday, small birthday?
-Twenty-three.

611
00:30:29,070 --> 00:30:31,156
Twenty-three?
You're so young.

612
00:30:31,239 --> 00:30:33,825
Well, look,
why don't we make it special?

613
00:30:33,908 --> 00:30:36,077
After the show, come backstage,
and I'll finger blast you.

614
00:30:36,161 --> 00:30:37,537
[audience laughing]

615
00:30:40,206 --> 00:30:41,291
It's a joke.

616
00:30:42,208 --> 00:30:43,793
I'll fuck her.

617
00:30:46,254 --> 00:30:48,465
All the teachers at my school
were really strict.

618
00:30:48,548 --> 00:30:51,551
I remember every Monday morning,
I had to give the deputy head.

619
00:30:55,138 --> 00:30:58,349
Now, I keep on getting asked, "Why aren't
there more female stand-up comedians?"

620
00:30:58,433 --> 00:31:01,186
It should be 50-50, right?
'Cause the population is 50-50.

621
00:31:01,269 --> 00:31:03,021
Men and women laugh
at the same things.

622
00:31:03,104 --> 00:31:04,981
We think of the same
funny things to say in life.

623
00:31:05,065 --> 00:31:06,191
So it should be 50-50,

624
00:31:06,274 --> 00:31:08,151
the sort of proportion
of comedians on stage.

625
00:31:08,234 --> 00:31:09,861
But it isn't.
And I was wondering why.

626
00:31:09,944 --> 00:31:12,322
I think it's 'cause women have
an ability that men don't possess.

627
00:31:12,405 --> 00:31:14,657
Women have the ability
to think of something funny to say,

628
00:31:14,741 --> 00:31:15,825
and then not say it.

629
00:31:17,202 --> 00:31:20,538
Because it might "hurt someone's
feelings" or be inappropriate.

630
00:31:21,790 --> 00:31:24,084
Well, men don't really have that gear.

631
00:31:24,167 --> 00:31:27,337
What we've got is probably best
described as Joke Tourette's.

632
00:31:28,338 --> 00:31:32,008
If we think something might be funny,
we are fucking saying it.

633
00:31:33,093 --> 00:31:35,261
Not later on,
when everyone's calmed down.

634
00:31:35,345 --> 00:31:37,263
Right fucking now.

635
00:31:37,347 --> 00:31:39,641
We could be at your mum's funeral.

636
00:31:40,558 --> 00:31:43,186
"All right, luv,
she's not the only thing that's stiff.

637
00:31:46,272 --> 00:31:49,859
Well, nothing ventured.
She was already in a terrible mood.

638
00:31:50,777 --> 00:31:53,947
Lovely spread, she's got a face on.
There's no pleasing some people."

639
00:31:55,281 --> 00:31:57,534
My Joke Tourette's occasionally
gets me into, like, proper trouble.

640
00:31:57,617 --> 00:31:59,035
Have we got any police in?
Any police officers?

641
00:31:59,119 --> 00:32:01,371
-[woman] Whoo!
-Oh, there's one over there?

642
00:32:01,454 --> 00:32:03,748
Look, I got stopped speeding.
Not the worst thing I've done.

643
00:32:03,832 --> 00:32:05,083
Face facts.

644
00:32:05,792 --> 00:32:07,085
So I got pulled over for speeding, right?

645
00:32:07,168 --> 00:32:08,169
And the police officer came round

646
00:32:08,253 --> 00:32:09,921
to the window of the car
and did the usual thing of going,

647
00:32:10,004 --> 00:32:11,131
"Do you know how fast you were going?"

648
00:32:11,214 --> 00:32:14,259
I said, "I'm sorry, Officer.
Clearly too fast. I'm so sorry."

649
00:32:14,342 --> 00:32:16,928
Couldn't have been nicer and more
middle class about the whole thing.

650
00:32:17,011 --> 00:32:19,806
And he went,
"Eighty-eight miles an hour!"

651
00:32:19,889 --> 00:32:22,517
And I said, "I was trying
to get back to 1955."

652
00:32:25,478 --> 00:32:27,355
Three fucking points on my licence.

653
00:32:28,314 --> 00:32:29,524
Would you have let me off?

654
00:32:30,483 --> 00:32:32,110
-[woman] No!
-No?

655
00:32:32,193 --> 00:32:35,363
What, you think 88's too fast
to be doing in a 30 zone during the day?

656
00:32:37,198 --> 00:32:39,159
In my defence,
I was fucking hammered.

657
00:32:42,162 --> 00:32:44,622
I hate oversleeping,
waking up and suddenly realising,

658
00:32:44,706 --> 00:32:46,166
"Ah! I'm in the wrong lane!"

659
00:32:48,543 --> 00:32:50,253
Must be tough being an air hostess.

660
00:32:50,336 --> 00:32:51,671
Their ears must pop all the time,

661
00:32:51,754 --> 00:32:53,840
what with sucking
the pilot's cock so hard.

662
00:32:55,925 --> 00:32:57,719
Joking. I'm sure they get used to it.

663
00:32:59,721 --> 00:33:00,722
PC thinks it's helping,

664
00:33:00,805 --> 00:33:03,308
but I'm not sure political correctness
really changes anything.

665
00:33:03,391 --> 00:33:04,517
Because of political correctness,

666
00:33:04,601 --> 00:33:07,187
you're not meant to say
"air hostess" any more, are you?

667
00:33:07,270 --> 00:33:10,106
You're meant to say,
if it's a woman, "sky waitress",

668
00:33:10,190 --> 00:33:12,400
and if it's a man, "homosexual".

669
00:33:14,194 --> 00:33:15,695
Doesn't really change anything.

670
00:33:15,778 --> 00:33:19,741
I joke a lot about sexism and misogyny,
just because I view them as ridiculous,

671
00:33:19,824 --> 00:33:22,035
sort of, risible things in our society.

672
00:33:22,118 --> 00:33:24,704
But when you hear a story about
someone being actually sexist,

673
00:33:24,787 --> 00:33:26,748
it blows your mind
that people could be that ignorant.

674
00:33:26,831 --> 00:33:28,082
I heard a story recently.

675
00:33:28,166 --> 00:33:30,501
I was flying to New York,
and I got chatting to the flight crew.

676
00:33:30,585 --> 00:33:33,004
They told me what had happened
the week before. I'll tell you the story.

677
00:33:33,087 --> 00:33:35,048
So, you know when the pilot does
the little Tannoy announcement

678
00:33:35,131 --> 00:33:37,091
at the beginning of a flight?
He does the little,

679
00:33:37,175 --> 00:33:38,760
"Hello, I'm your captain, Jonathan,

680
00:33:38,843 --> 00:33:41,304
and we're flying at 38,000 feet
to New York today."

681
00:33:41,387 --> 00:33:43,681
And you're sitting there,
flicking through a magazine, thinking,

682
00:33:43,765 --> 00:33:45,642
"Couldn't give a fuck who you are.

683
00:33:46,643 --> 00:33:49,020
And I know where we're going.
It says it on the ticket."

684
00:33:49,729 --> 00:33:53,191
You don't get that anywhere else, do you?
You don't get that in the back of a taxi.

685
00:33:53,274 --> 00:33:56,027
"Hello, my name's Eric,
and we're going to your house."

686
00:33:58,988 --> 00:34:01,199
"Wind your neck in, Eric.
Drive the car."

687
00:34:03,910 --> 00:34:06,996
So, on this occasion,
it happened to be a female pilot.

688
00:34:07,080 --> 00:34:08,289
So it was,
"Hello, my name's Sharla,

689
00:34:08,373 --> 00:34:11,417
I'm your pilot today, and we're flying
at 38,000 feet to New York."

690
00:34:11,501 --> 00:34:14,629
And this guy on the flight
undid his seat belt, got up,

691
00:34:14,712 --> 00:34:16,631
got his hand luggage
down from the overhead,

692
00:34:16,714 --> 00:34:18,675
and started walking down the aisle.

693
00:34:19,676 --> 00:34:21,344
So the cabin crew are having
a little hissy fit.

694
00:34:21,427 --> 00:34:24,013
They said, "Sir, you've got to sit down.
We're about to take off."

695
00:34:24,097 --> 00:34:26,099
He said, "No, I'm getting off."

696
00:34:27,684 --> 00:34:29,560
They said, "What's the problem?"

697
00:34:29,644 --> 00:34:31,396
He said, "Woman driver."

698
00:34:33,648 --> 00:34:35,733
What a fucking lunatic!

699
00:34:35,817 --> 00:34:38,236
It's not as if
she had to reverse it into New York.

700
00:34:38,319 --> 00:34:40,196
[audience laughing]

701
00:34:42,907 --> 00:34:43,992
I don't know about you, London,

702
00:34:44,075 --> 00:34:46,077
but I get terrified flying
at the best of times.

703
00:34:46,160 --> 00:34:48,454
'Cause you never know
how reliable or durable

704
00:34:48,538 --> 00:34:50,581
the condom in your stomach is gonna be.

705
00:34:52,208 --> 00:34:53,918
Do you all listen to
the safety announcement when you fly?

706
00:34:54,002 --> 00:34:56,671
-[audience] No!
-You've got to!

707
00:34:56,754 --> 00:34:58,589
Otherwise, you're not gonna know
where your whistle is

708
00:34:58,673 --> 00:35:01,175
when a maniac blows you
out of the fucking sky.

709
00:35:02,593 --> 00:35:04,304
[whistling]

710
00:35:07,515 --> 00:35:09,225
"Take that, ISIS!"

711
00:35:09,309 --> 00:35:11,269
[whistling]

712
00:35:13,563 --> 00:35:15,606
[audience cheering and applauding]

713
00:35:19,485 --> 00:35:23,281
For all the fucking good it does,
the crash position might as well be that.

714
00:35:24,240 --> 00:35:25,992
"Hope we don't die."

715
00:35:27,952 --> 00:35:29,078
Doesn't matter.
I mean, the bad news is,

716
00:35:29,162 --> 00:35:31,998
when a 747 crashes or blows up,
everyone dies.

717
00:35:32,081 --> 00:35:34,584
The good news is you don't have
to listen to the safety announcement.

718
00:35:34,667 --> 00:35:35,877
There's really no point.

719
00:35:35,960 --> 00:35:39,839
You're never in a bar the night after
a plane crash, with a friend, going,

720
00:35:39,922 --> 00:35:41,215
"It's awful, isn't it?
Did you read about that?

721
00:35:41,299 --> 00:35:42,717
Three-hundred people.
What a terrible thing.

722
00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:44,510
What an awful way to go.
How shocking."

723
00:35:44,594 --> 00:35:47,347
Someone at the bar never goes,
"Plane crash? Couldn't help but overhear.

724
00:35:47,430 --> 00:35:48,931
Yeah, I was in one of those.

725
00:35:49,682 --> 00:35:51,809
Nah, I was fine. Thank you.

726
00:35:51,893 --> 00:35:53,686
Well, no, 'cause I was sat like that.

727
00:35:55,563 --> 00:35:57,815
So the fireball went round me.

728
00:35:59,692 --> 00:36:02,028
The guy next to me, though?
Decapitated.

729
00:36:03,404 --> 00:36:05,323
It's his own fault, really.
He had the tray table down.

730
00:36:05,406 --> 00:36:07,408
What was he hoping for?

731
00:36:10,536 --> 00:36:13,998
No, no, at 3,000 miles from land.
Right in the middle of the Pacific, yeah.

732
00:36:14,082 --> 00:36:16,667
No, they found me straight away,
about ten minutes.

733
00:36:16,751 --> 00:36:18,294
How?"

734
00:36:18,378 --> 00:36:20,171
[whistling]

735
00:36:21,172 --> 00:36:23,091
[audience applauding]

736
00:36:28,888 --> 00:36:31,516
Has anyone ever made
the right amount of pasta?

737
00:36:35,353 --> 00:36:37,271
That's my little toe in the water
of observational comedy.

738
00:36:37,355 --> 00:36:38,773
I'm not really sure if it's for me.

739
00:36:38,856 --> 00:36:40,858
Obviously, if I was any good
at observational comedy, you know,

740
00:36:40,942 --> 00:36:42,610
I'd probably get
five minutes of fun out of that.

741
00:36:42,693 --> 00:36:44,028
[inhales sharply]

742
00:36:45,738 --> 00:36:46,989
You're on your own.

743
00:36:48,157 --> 00:36:49,534
Is anyone here gluten-free?

744
00:36:49,617 --> 00:36:50,785
[scattered cheers]

745
00:36:50,868 --> 00:36:53,413
You're gluten-free? Fun fact for you.
It is possible to be gluten-free

746
00:36:53,496 --> 00:36:55,415
and shut the fuck up.

747
00:36:57,875 --> 00:36:59,210
No one cares.

748
00:36:59,293 --> 00:37:00,795
[laughs]

749
00:37:00,878 --> 00:37:03,089
I don't like spending too much
time with my girlfriend's family

750
00:37:03,172 --> 00:37:05,216
because her husband is getting suspicious.

751
00:37:07,802 --> 00:37:10,471
My girlfriend was in the park doing
one of those "race for life" things.

752
00:37:10,555 --> 00:37:13,141
When I say "race for life",
she was fleeing a rapist.

753
00:37:15,435 --> 00:37:16,519
It's how we met.

754
00:37:18,980 --> 00:37:21,023
I tend not to get heckled
that much any more.

755
00:37:21,107 --> 00:37:22,358
I used to get heckled a lot.

756
00:37:22,442 --> 00:37:23,734
-I kind of--
-[loud noise]

757
00:37:23,818 --> 00:37:25,486
[audience laughing]

758
00:37:27,655 --> 00:37:29,115
[laughing]

759
00:37:30,324 --> 00:37:32,743
That was properly Tourette's-y.
Well played.

760
00:37:34,203 --> 00:37:36,456
People with Tourette's,
what makes them tick?

761
00:37:36,539 --> 00:37:37,790
[audience gasps and laughs]

762
00:37:37,874 --> 00:37:40,418
But genuinely, I like it when
people join in at shows.

763
00:37:40,501 --> 00:37:43,379
I got the best heckle
of my career last year,

764
00:37:43,463 --> 00:37:45,131
at someone else's show.

765
00:37:45,214 --> 00:37:47,842
I went to see another comedian
up in Edinburgh, my friend Nick Helm,

766
00:37:47,925 --> 00:37:49,051
and I got heckled at his show.

767
00:37:49,177 --> 00:37:51,095
That is not what should happen.
That is what happened.

768
00:37:51,179 --> 00:37:53,097
And I was sat at the back.
It's about 200 people in the room.

769
00:37:53,181 --> 00:37:55,183
I was sat at the back,
trying to stifle my laugh.

770
00:37:55,266 --> 00:37:58,728
I've got a weird laugh.
I laugh on an in, not an out.

771
00:37:58,811 --> 00:38:02,607
So instead of going "ha, ha",
like a normal human might, I go...

772
00:38:02,690 --> 00:38:05,067
[laughs]

773
00:38:05,151 --> 00:38:08,154
It's weird, right?
[continues laughing]

774
00:38:08,237 --> 00:38:10,323
It's a weird,
honking goose of a laugh.

775
00:38:10,406 --> 00:38:12,867
[laughing]

776
00:38:12,950 --> 00:38:14,035
But if I know I'm gonna be laughing,

777
00:38:14,118 --> 00:38:15,786
and I knew I was gonna be
laughing at my friend's show.

778
00:38:15,870 --> 00:38:18,247
So I was sat at the back,
and I was kind of repressing my laugh.

779
00:38:18,331 --> 00:38:21,417
I was... Closed mouth, and sort of
keeping it locked down. I was...

780
00:38:21,501 --> 00:38:23,544
[stifled laughter]

781
00:38:27,673 --> 00:38:29,926
It sounded like someone
had smuggled in an owl.

782
00:38:30,009 --> 00:38:32,094
[stifled laughter]

783
00:38:32,178 --> 00:38:34,972
But there I was for the first 20 minutes,
just sat at the back very quietly...

784
00:38:35,056 --> 00:38:36,766
[stifled laughter]

785
00:38:36,849 --> 00:38:39,185
About 20 minutes into the show,
he did a song on stage,

786
00:38:39,268 --> 00:38:40,478
and I found it hilarious.

787
00:38:40,561 --> 00:38:44,065
I had a proper, full-on laughing fit.

788
00:38:44,148 --> 00:38:47,151
Like proper... [laughing]

789
00:38:52,573 --> 00:38:54,825
[audience cheering and applauding]

790
00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:02,875
It sounded fucking mental.

791
00:39:03,918 --> 00:39:07,255
It sounded like a seal getting
finger-blasted, is what it sounded like.

792
00:39:08,714 --> 00:39:11,759
And Nick just stopped the show...

793
00:39:11,842 --> 00:39:13,928
and went, "All right, Jimmy?

794
00:39:14,971 --> 00:39:17,598
I don't laugh when
I come to see your shows."

795
00:39:22,645 --> 00:39:26,315
Well, with that in mind, why don't we
have a proper heckle amnesty.

796
00:39:26,399 --> 00:39:29,694
If you would like to have a heckle,
this would be the ideal time.

797
00:39:29,777 --> 00:39:30,861
-Not--
-[man] Wanker!

798
00:39:32,780 --> 00:39:34,574
[man 2] You look like you fucked a pig!

799
00:39:34,657 --> 00:39:36,867
I look like I fucked a pig?

800
00:39:36,951 --> 00:39:39,537
Do I still owe your mum money?
Is she annoyed, is she?

801
00:39:39,620 --> 00:39:41,414
[audience cheering and applauding]

802
00:39:41,497 --> 00:39:42,498
There you go.

803
00:39:52,633 --> 00:39:54,927
Sorry, ma'am,
I haven't got any coins on me.

804
00:39:58,639 --> 00:40:02,852
-[man] My partner thinks you're too crude.
-Your partner thinks I'm too crude?

805
00:40:02,935 --> 00:40:06,814
So she's been brought along
to the show and it's not really for her?

806
00:40:06,897 --> 00:40:08,441
Are you going to make it up to her
somehow later on?

807
00:40:08,524 --> 00:40:09,525
Yeah.

808
00:40:09,609 --> 00:40:12,236
Maybe pop a thumb in her ass
while you're fucking her?

809
00:40:14,822 --> 00:40:16,532
[Jimmy laughing]

810
00:40:16,616 --> 00:40:18,951
Madam, you can't sink down
any lower in that seat.

811
00:40:19,035 --> 00:40:23,080
That is as low...
That's as low as that... [whimpers]

812
00:40:23,164 --> 00:40:24,957
[laughing]

813
00:40:27,043 --> 00:40:28,794
[man] When does the comedy start?

814
00:40:28,878 --> 00:40:30,171
When does the comedy start?

815
00:40:30,254 --> 00:40:32,590
-[audience booing]
-It's a classic.

816
00:40:33,507 --> 00:40:36,886
It's a classic heckle, right?
What's your name, sir?

817
00:40:36,969 --> 00:40:37,970
[man] Rack!

818
00:40:38,054 --> 00:40:40,097
Like shoe rack?
You're called Rack?

819
00:40:41,140 --> 00:40:42,433
Where are you, Rack,
up there or down there?

820
00:40:44,644 --> 00:40:46,228
Loving your work, Rack.
It's one of those things.

821
00:40:46,312 --> 00:40:49,649
If you don't think
the comedy's started, you're right.

822
00:40:49,732 --> 00:40:51,651
And if you think
the comedy has started, you're right.

823
00:40:51,734 --> 00:40:52,943
'Cause it's a very individual thing,
isn't it?

824
00:40:53,027 --> 00:40:55,404
And if the show's not for you,
it's not for you.

825
00:40:55,488 --> 00:40:57,281
I feel bad if you paid all this
money to come and see me,

826
00:40:57,365 --> 00:40:58,532
and you don't think it's funny.

827
00:40:58,616 --> 00:40:59,909
You've had a disaster.

828
00:40:59,992 --> 00:41:02,161
But I suppose, Rack,
you have learnt a valuable lesson.

829
00:41:02,244 --> 00:41:04,163
You've learned life's not fair.

830
00:41:05,998 --> 00:41:07,333
You pays your money,
you takes your chance,

831
00:41:07,416 --> 00:41:10,044
sometimes it's a good show,
sometimes it's not for you.

832
00:41:10,127 --> 00:41:11,212
But I'll give you another example, Rack,

833
00:41:11,295 --> 00:41:13,673
so you haven't had a wasted evening.
At least you've learned something.

834
00:41:13,756 --> 00:41:16,801
Another example of how unfair,
Rack, our society is.

835
00:41:16,884 --> 00:41:17,927
Let's say, if a man...

836
00:41:18,010 --> 00:41:21,097
You or I, sir, let's say, if a man sleeps
with loads and loads of women.

837
00:41:21,180 --> 00:41:24,642
What is he? He's a stud, he's a player,
he's admired in our society.

838
00:41:24,725 --> 00:41:26,185
That isn't an opinion,
that's fact.

839
00:41:26,268 --> 00:41:29,980
If a guy sleeps with loads of women,
he's a player, he's a stud, he's admired.

840
00:41:30,064 --> 00:41:32,692
But if a woman sleeps with
loads and loads of men,

841
00:41:32,775 --> 00:41:34,735
she's called Rack's mum.

842
00:41:35,861 --> 00:41:37,738
[audience laughing and applauding]

843
00:41:37,822 --> 00:41:38,906
[cheering]

844
00:41:43,327 --> 00:41:44,662
I'm fairly...

845
00:41:44,745 --> 00:41:48,332
It's all right for me to say that 'cause
Rack's mum's not gonna be here, is she?

846
00:41:48,416 --> 00:41:49,875
Saturday night?
You're having a laugh.

847
00:41:51,252 --> 00:41:52,628
It's her busiest evening.

848
00:41:54,505 --> 00:41:56,090
She does a special two for one.

849
00:41:57,299 --> 00:41:58,759
This sort of stage on a Saturday night,

850
00:41:58,843 --> 00:42:01,470
I imagine Rack's mum looks
like a plasterer's radio.

851
00:42:01,554 --> 00:42:03,097
[audience laughing]

852
00:42:06,559 --> 00:42:08,185
What was that, Rack?

853
00:42:08,269 --> 00:42:11,105
[Rack] Your face
is like a 42-inch widescreen TV!

854
00:42:11,981 --> 00:42:15,818
My face is like
a 42-inch widescreen... TV?

855
00:42:17,278 --> 00:42:18,404
In that...

856
00:42:21,073 --> 00:42:23,200
-[Rack] It's very wide!
-It's very wide?

857
00:42:28,581 --> 00:42:29,707
[stammers] Okay.

858
00:42:31,667 --> 00:42:32,793
Um, I've just...

859
00:42:32,877 --> 00:42:36,005
I've just said that
your mum's a prostitute.

860
00:42:38,007 --> 00:42:38,841
And...

861
00:42:39,884 --> 00:42:42,845
And you just said,
"Your face is wide."

862
00:42:44,764 --> 00:42:45,848
I don't...

863
00:42:47,683 --> 00:42:50,436
Rack, I don't... I'm not sure
if you know how this works.

864
00:42:51,979 --> 00:42:53,689
I'll tell you why it's wide as well.

865
00:42:53,773 --> 00:42:55,649
[babbles] All that, it's... It...

866
00:42:58,778 --> 00:43:00,905
[Jimmy laughing]

867
00:43:00,988 --> 00:43:03,657
Aw, bless him. Um...

868
00:43:03,741 --> 00:43:05,326
Any other heckles?
Should we do one more?

869
00:43:05,409 --> 00:43:09,830
[man] How about a heckle not involving
mothers, girlfriends, or sex?

870
00:43:09,914 --> 00:43:14,418
A heckle not involving
girlfriends, mothers, or sex.

871
00:43:14,502 --> 00:43:16,128
Well, where are you from, sir?
Let's do one.

872
00:43:17,004 --> 00:43:18,005
[man] Canada!

873
00:43:18,088 --> 00:43:19,340
You're from Canada?

874
00:43:19,423 --> 00:43:21,383
So you're an American,
but you're not armed.

875
00:43:21,467 --> 00:43:22,927
[audience laughing]

876
00:43:28,307 --> 00:43:29,850
Ah...

877
00:43:29,934 --> 00:43:31,310
Aw, well, Canadians are always...

878
00:43:31,393 --> 00:43:33,145
Whenever I meet a Canadian,
they always explain to me,

879
00:43:33,229 --> 00:43:34,355
"No, I'm not an American."

880
00:43:34,438 --> 00:43:35,523
I get the same thing with New Zealand

881
00:43:35,606 --> 00:43:36,649
and Australian people, they sort of go,

882
00:43:36,732 --> 00:43:38,484
"No, I'm not Australian.
I'm actually from New Zealand."

883
00:43:38,567 --> 00:43:41,278
I think they're mistaking me
for someone who gives a fuck.

884
00:43:43,072 --> 00:43:44,114
Are there any Australians in?

885
00:43:44,198 --> 00:43:46,116
[scattered cheers]

886
00:43:46,200 --> 00:43:47,493
Well, welcome back.

887
00:43:50,579 --> 00:43:53,582
You've paid your debt,
you've returned to the scene of the crime.

888
00:43:55,084 --> 00:43:56,710
[laughing]

889
00:43:56,794 --> 00:43:58,420
[gasps]

890
00:43:58,504 --> 00:44:00,548
Someone over there.
Hello. [chuckles]

891
00:44:00,631 --> 00:44:02,216
Who the fuck is that?
Hello, who?

892
00:44:02,299 --> 00:44:04,176
The
Shining?

893
00:44:05,094 --> 00:44:06,470
[Jimmy chuckles]

894
00:44:06,554 --> 00:44:09,431
Steadicam, I love... Fucking hell.
Look how my ego's gotten out of control.

895
00:44:09,515 --> 00:44:11,016
Who... Are you filming him?

896
00:44:11,684 --> 00:44:12,977
I mean, I don't want
to be a dick about it,

897
00:44:13,060 --> 00:44:15,020
but I feel like
the action's really up here.

898
00:44:16,772 --> 00:44:19,733
You're just filming a fat dude
in the second row. Okay, fine.

899
00:44:19,817 --> 00:44:20,901
[man] Oh!

900
00:44:20,985 --> 00:44:21,986
What do you mean, "Oh"?

901
00:44:22,069 --> 00:44:24,238
He's got a mirror in his house.
He fucking knows.

902
00:44:24,321 --> 00:44:25,614
He's all right.

903
00:44:26,991 --> 00:44:28,868
[applauding]

904
00:44:28,951 --> 00:44:30,411
[Jimmy laughing]

905
00:44:32,663 --> 00:44:34,290
-So...
-[man] Oi, you posh twat!

906
00:44:34,373 --> 00:44:36,250
[audience gasps]

907
00:44:36,333 --> 00:44:37,793
Oh!

908
00:44:39,003 --> 00:44:40,629
Well, a fun fact for you.

909
00:44:40,713 --> 00:44:43,090
Your girlfriend's got two cunts.

910
00:44:44,675 --> 00:44:47,011
She's sat next to one of them, isn't she?

911
00:44:47,094 --> 00:44:49,305
[audience laughing and applauding]

912
00:44:52,224 --> 00:44:53,809
I'm sorry.
I called you a cunt there.

913
00:44:53,892 --> 00:44:54,977
I'm terribly sorry.

914
00:44:55,060 --> 00:44:57,521
I'm sure you don't have the depth
or the capacity to give pleasure.

915
00:44:57,605 --> 00:44:59,315
[audience gasping and applauding]

916
00:45:06,822 --> 00:45:10,534
I went to a proper showbiz party recently,
and Brad Pitt was there.

917
00:45:10,618 --> 00:45:12,703
And they say,
"Never meet your heroes",

918
00:45:12,786 --> 00:45:14,997
but I think Brad handled it really well.

919
00:45:16,790 --> 00:45:18,459
A lot of people think
cooking your partner a meal

920
00:45:18,542 --> 00:45:20,377
is the most romantic
gesture you could make.

921
00:45:20,461 --> 00:45:23,005
The least romantic gesture,
if you're interested, is this.

922
00:45:26,300 --> 00:45:27,885
On my birthday...
I'm a very lucky man.

923
00:45:27,968 --> 00:45:30,554
On my birthday, my girlfriend
likes to wake me up with oral sex.

924
00:45:30,638 --> 00:45:32,640
Last year, I nearly suffocated.

925
00:45:35,893 --> 00:45:37,853
No, last year, on my birthday,
my girlfriend gave me the bumps,

926
00:45:37,936 --> 00:45:40,981
or as they're more commonly known,
genital warts.

927
00:45:43,192 --> 00:45:45,653
You can tell a lot about a woman
from looking at her shoes.

928
00:45:45,736 --> 00:45:48,614
For example, if they're
behind her ears, she likes you.

929
00:45:51,075 --> 00:45:55,120
When a man changes his status on Facebook
from "single" to "in a relationship",

930
00:45:55,204 --> 00:45:58,123
I think it should say,
"under new management".

931
00:45:59,208 --> 00:46:00,668
Now, some couples...
Are there couples in?

932
00:46:00,751 --> 00:46:02,127
Give a shout,
all the couples in the room.

933
00:46:02,211 --> 00:46:03,379
[audience cheers]

934
00:46:03,462 --> 00:46:04,505
-Loads of...
-[woman] Whoo!

935
00:46:04,588 --> 00:46:07,341
Sorry, mate.
That's sort of rubbing it in, isn't it?

936
00:46:08,801 --> 00:46:10,511
[laughing]

937
00:46:11,428 --> 00:46:14,640
There are some couples who are very
free and easy with their bodily functions.

938
00:46:14,723 --> 00:46:18,102
They don't mind their partner
being in the bathroom

939
00:46:18,185 --> 00:46:20,521
while they're taking
nature's call of a morning.

940
00:46:20,604 --> 00:46:21,647
Their partner could be
brushing their teeth

941
00:46:21,730 --> 00:46:23,524
while they're taking care of business.

942
00:46:23,607 --> 00:46:24,608
I think we all know what I'm saying.

943
00:46:24,692 --> 00:46:26,777
And there's a name for those people.
They're called...

944
00:46:26,860 --> 00:46:28,654
fucking animals.

945
00:46:29,863 --> 00:46:31,615
You disgust us.

946
00:46:32,616 --> 00:46:34,410
I've got some advice
for the men in the room.

947
00:46:34,493 --> 00:46:37,287
Okay, I'm gonna keep this simple 'cause
men are inherently simple creatures.

948
00:46:37,371 --> 00:46:40,958
Gentlemen, I'll just say it.
Gentlemen, never say "fanny fart".

949
00:46:41,875 --> 00:46:43,419
It's a good example
of your Joke Tourette's.

950
00:46:43,502 --> 00:46:45,671
Not everything in life
needs to be a little joke.

951
00:46:45,754 --> 00:46:49,758
Actually, a lot of ladies are very
self-conscious when they do a muff puff.

952
00:46:51,760 --> 00:46:55,514
The last thing they want is you making
a joke about their massive cunt grunt.

953
00:46:59,768 --> 00:47:01,937
Embarrassing Bodies?

954
00:47:02,020 --> 00:47:04,481
-[audience] Yes!
-It's a fabulous piece of television.

955
00:47:04,565 --> 00:47:07,276
Embarrassing Bodies?

956
00:47:08,402 --> 00:47:10,028
So, we play a game in our house.

957
00:47:10,112 --> 00:47:12,197
Embarrassing Bodies

958
00:47:12,281 --> 00:47:14,575
with their medical problems
before seeing the doctor,

959
00:47:14,658 --> 00:47:17,870
we pause the TV and try and guess
what is up with that.

960
00:47:19,538 --> 00:47:22,541
So this girl, this 18-year-old girl,
pretty little thing,

961
00:47:22,624 --> 00:47:24,585
Embarrassing Bodies

962
00:47:24,668 --> 00:47:27,171
We pause the TV and try
and guess what the problem might be.

963
00:47:27,254 --> 00:47:29,006
We could've been there all week,
we wouldn't have got it.

964
00:47:29,089 --> 00:47:33,051
She was having surgery on her nuni.

965
00:47:33,135 --> 00:47:35,345
On her vajayjay, her twinkle cave.

966
00:47:36,263 --> 00:47:38,766
Her peachy pocket.
And the thing was,

967
00:47:38,849 --> 00:47:41,727
there was nothing
the matter with her cunt.

968
00:47:43,020 --> 00:47:45,564
Perfectly healthy piece of equipment.
She was having, get this,

969
00:47:45,647 --> 00:47:49,109
cosmetic surgery on her vagina.

970
00:47:50,652 --> 00:47:51,904
And me and my girlfriend paused the TV.

971
00:47:51,987 --> 00:47:53,071
We went, "Well, the world's gone mad."

972
00:47:53,155 --> 00:47:55,365
That isn't a medical problem.
That's a psychological problem.

973
00:47:55,449 --> 00:47:57,075
If anything, that's a societal problem.

974
00:47:57,159 --> 00:47:59,620
That a girl's self-esteem
could be that low at that tender age

975
00:47:59,703 --> 00:48:01,288
that she feels she needs
to go under the knife

976
00:48:01,371 --> 00:48:03,081
in order to live up to
some idealised version

977
00:48:03,165 --> 00:48:04,458
of what she thinks her genitals
should look like

978
00:48:04,541 --> 00:48:05,793
'cause she's seen something online.

979
00:48:05,876 --> 00:48:07,419
That's crazy.
That's body dysmorphia.

980
00:48:07,503 --> 00:48:09,379
And they shouldn't be facilitating
that kind of madness

981
00:48:09,463 --> 00:48:11,799
on what is normally
a very socially responsible show.

982
00:48:11,882 --> 00:48:14,176
-[man] Yeah!
-Yeah.

983
00:48:14,927 --> 00:48:16,720
So we unpaused the TV,
and as soon as we...

984
00:48:16,804 --> 00:48:17,888
It's a very visceral programme.

985
00:48:17,971 --> 00:48:22,100
So they cut back to a close-up of her most
intimate lady garden, bathing suit area.

986
00:48:22,184 --> 00:48:24,394
And both me and my girlfriend agreed.
We both said,

987
00:48:24,478 --> 00:48:26,230
"Well, that needs fucking fixing!

988
00:48:27,940 --> 00:48:29,691
It's like a badly packed kebab.

989
00:48:29,775 --> 00:48:31,944
[audience gasps and laughs]

990
00:48:32,027 --> 00:48:35,614
Who has garlic mayo and chilli sauce?
What the fuck?"

991
00:48:37,157 --> 00:48:39,660
I thought I'd never seen one
I didn't like.

992
00:48:39,743 --> 00:48:42,287
She had a fanny like a kicked-over trifle!

993
00:48:46,416 --> 00:48:48,544
Apologies to any ladies in with...

994
00:48:48,627 --> 00:48:50,921
fannies like kicked-over trifles.

995
00:48:52,548 --> 00:48:55,551
It's quite rough from here on in, people.

996
00:48:55,634 --> 00:48:56,718
Strap in!

997
00:48:56,802 --> 00:48:59,221
Are there doctors in?
I know there's nurses.

998
00:48:59,304 --> 00:49:00,973
Are there doctors and nurses?
Give us a shout, all of you.

999
00:49:01,056 --> 00:49:03,392
-[scattered cheers]
-Quite a few of you around.

1000
00:49:03,475 --> 00:49:05,978
The thing that impresses me about doctors
is not what should impress me.

1001
00:49:06,061 --> 00:49:07,354
It's not the fact that
they can save lives.

1002
00:49:07,437 --> 00:49:08,522
That's what should impress me. No.

1003
00:49:08,605 --> 00:49:14,403
What impresses me about doctors
is their ability not to recoil in terror.

1004
00:49:14,945 --> 00:49:17,197
Doctors look at stuff every day.
They look at stuff and they go,

1005
00:49:17,281 --> 00:49:19,575
[sniffs] "Oh, that's a bit...
It's a bit whiffy.

1006
00:49:20,951 --> 00:49:22,452
It's a little bit gamey.

1007
00:49:23,036 --> 00:49:26,206
Oh, oh... I can...
I can smell that in my eyes.

1008
00:49:29,001 --> 00:49:31,128
We're gonna try and help you with that."

1009
00:49:31,211 --> 00:49:32,588
Ooh...

1010
00:49:33,463 --> 00:49:34,506
Whereas you or I would go,

1011
00:49:34,590 --> 00:49:36,300
"Why the fuck are you
showing me that, you monster?

1012
00:49:36,383 --> 00:49:38,051
Throw yourself off something!"

1013
00:49:40,512 --> 00:49:42,848
I asked a doctor recently,
I got chatting to this doctor.

1014
00:49:42,931 --> 00:49:44,057
[chuckles]

1015
00:49:44,141 --> 00:49:46,018
I said, "What's the thing that's
made you want to recoil

1016
00:49:46,101 --> 00:49:48,687
in terror the most in all your
years of doctoring?" Right?

1017
00:49:48,770 --> 00:49:49,897
And I thought he'd have to think about it.

1018
00:49:49,980 --> 00:49:52,733
Straightaway, he came back.
He went, "A 95-year-old vagina."

1019
00:49:52,816 --> 00:49:53,859
[audience groaning]

1020
00:49:53,942 --> 00:49:56,320
I said, "I've seen one of those.

1021
00:49:56,403 --> 00:49:58,864
It was on a 30-year-old Scouse girl."

1022
00:50:00,157 --> 00:50:02,743
It's not the years,
it's the mileage, innit?

1023
00:50:04,077 --> 00:50:05,078
[laughs]

1024
00:50:05,579 --> 00:50:09,917
Oh, if you're watching this in America,
for "Scouse girl", read "New Jersey".

1025
00:50:11,376 --> 00:50:14,922
I've got a question for everyone in here.
Who here has had bad sex?

1026
00:50:15,005 --> 00:50:16,673
[scattered shouting]

1027
00:50:16,757 --> 00:50:20,302
Who's not saying 'cause they're with
the person they had the bad sex with?

1028
00:50:21,386 --> 00:50:24,056
Have you ever had a girl cry during sex?
That's a weird thing.

1029
00:50:24,139 --> 00:50:26,808
I suppose women are more emotionally
engaged with their physical being.

1030
00:50:26,892 --> 00:50:29,353
That or the balaclava scared her.

1031
00:50:30,854 --> 00:50:34,066
Should we talk about
the weird shit people do sexually?

1032
00:50:34,149 --> 00:50:36,360
-[audience] Yes!
-Correct. We shall.

1033
00:50:37,152 --> 00:50:39,947
My ex-girlfriend used to like
to be choked during sex.

1034
00:50:40,030 --> 00:50:42,240
I'm 90% sure.

1035
00:50:43,992 --> 00:50:45,702
We only tried it once.

1036
00:50:45,786 --> 00:50:47,496
If anything, I was too good at it.

1037
00:50:49,539 --> 00:50:51,124
Have you all heard of the donkey punch?

1038
00:50:51,208 --> 00:50:52,584
[audience] Yeah!

1039
00:50:52,668 --> 00:50:54,169
The donkey punch
is where you're having the fun,

1040
00:50:54,252 --> 00:50:56,713
Greek-style bum sex
anal action with a lady, yeah?

1041
00:50:56,797 --> 00:51:00,092
And just as you're about to finish,
nut, ejaculate, come, we're all clear.

1042
00:51:00,175 --> 00:51:02,260
Just as you're about to...
[clears throat]

1043
00:51:02,344 --> 00:51:04,972
You, um... You punch her
in the back of the head. Now...

1044
00:51:05,931 --> 00:51:08,392
Now I know that sounds
cray-cray in a bad way,

1045
00:51:08,475 --> 00:51:09,893
but hear me out.

1046
00:51:09,977 --> 00:51:11,687
Any medical professional will tell you,

1047
00:51:11,770 --> 00:51:13,271
when you punch someone
in the back of the head,

1048
00:51:13,355 --> 00:51:15,857
all the sphincters of the body,
of which your bum is one,

1049
00:51:15,941 --> 00:51:18,068
all the sphincters are on lockdown.
They all go, "Whoa!

1050
00:51:18,819 --> 00:51:21,530
The fuck was that? Whoa!"

1051
00:51:21,613 --> 00:51:24,324
It's like a submarine
locking off compartments. "Whoa!

1052
00:51:24,408 --> 00:51:26,493
No one in, no one out.
What the fuck? Whoa!"

1053
00:51:27,244 --> 00:51:30,038
That "whoa" is a very fun way
to end proceedings.

1054
00:51:30,122 --> 00:51:33,625
Now obviously, you don't have to punch
your partner in the back of the head

1055
00:51:33,709 --> 00:51:34,793
to get that kind of result.

1056
00:51:34,876 --> 00:51:37,796
How long have you guys been together?
Five years?

1057
00:51:37,879 --> 00:51:40,132
So, a long-term, loving relationship.
Congratulations, guys.

1058
00:51:40,215 --> 00:51:42,175
So, sir, just turn,
look your partner in the eyes and say,

1059
00:51:42,259 --> 00:51:43,552
"Look, later on,
when I'm fucking you in the ass,

1060
00:51:43,635 --> 00:51:45,804
would you mind clenching
the sphincter of your anus

1061
00:51:45,887 --> 00:51:47,139
just as I'm about to ejaculate?"

1062
00:51:47,222 --> 00:51:49,307
Just have that conversation now. Just...

1063
00:51:50,684 --> 00:51:52,185
Away you go.
[pops lips]

1064
00:51:53,687 --> 00:51:56,231
You're right not to, sir.
You're 100% right not to. It's...

1065
00:51:56,314 --> 00:51:58,734
Even after five years in a loving
relationship with a beautiful woman,

1066
00:51:58,817 --> 00:52:00,861
it's still too awkward a conversation.

1067
00:52:00,944 --> 00:52:02,487
Take your chances.

1068
00:52:04,364 --> 00:52:06,158
I don't know much about women,
but I know this.

1069
00:52:06,241 --> 00:52:08,702
It's easier to get forgiveness
than permission.

1070
00:52:11,788 --> 00:52:13,832
The seagull?
You all heard of the seagull?

1071
00:52:13,915 --> 00:52:15,667
It starts well and ends horrifically.

1072
00:52:15,751 --> 00:52:18,170
There's a pattern emerging here,
I'm sure you realise.

1073
00:52:18,253 --> 00:52:20,964
So this is where you're making love
to a lady on the beach, yeah?

1074
00:52:21,048 --> 00:52:23,300
So everyone's melted away
at the end of a lovely summer's day.

1075
00:52:23,383 --> 00:52:25,552
And you find yourself under
the moon and the stars on the beach.

1076
00:52:25,635 --> 00:52:26,720
So far, so good.

1077
00:52:26,803 --> 00:52:29,598
You decide to be spontaneous,
and make love to your partner. Fantastic.

1078
00:52:29,681 --> 00:52:32,100
The seagull is where you whip it out,
pop it in the sand,

1079
00:52:32,184 --> 00:52:33,518
and then stick it back in.

1080
00:52:33,602 --> 00:52:35,353
[audience exclaims and groans]

1081
00:52:35,437 --> 00:52:36,813
I know!

1082
00:52:37,481 --> 00:52:40,734
It's called the seagull
because she goes... [mimics seagull]

1083
00:52:43,153 --> 00:52:45,572
Have I missed any? What other
kind of craziness have we heard of?

1084
00:52:45,655 --> 00:52:47,657
[scattered indistinct shouting]

1085
00:52:47,741 --> 00:52:50,535
-What? Was that "angry pirate"?
-[man] Yeah.

1086
00:52:50,619 --> 00:52:51,703
Angry pirate. Well, that's...

1087
00:52:51,787 --> 00:52:53,872
Okay, that's when a lady's
going down on you, and you decide,

1088
00:52:53,955 --> 00:52:56,541
"I'm not having enough fun.
I need more fun in my life."

1089
00:52:56,625 --> 00:52:58,960
So just as you're about to finish,
you pull out and come in her eye.

1090
00:52:59,044 --> 00:53:00,295
Not eyes. Eye.

1091
00:53:01,505 --> 00:53:03,465
Singular. It's like a trick shot.

1092
00:53:03,548 --> 00:53:05,300
And then as she gets up
to deal with that situation.

1093
00:53:05,383 --> 00:53:08,303
"What's going on there?"
You then kick her in the shin.

1094
00:53:08,386 --> 00:53:10,764
And what you're hoping for is the,
"Ar, ar, ar..."

1095
00:53:11,890 --> 00:53:13,600
of the angry pirate.

1096
00:53:13,683 --> 00:53:15,227
What other sexual weirdness
have we heard of?

1097
00:53:15,310 --> 00:53:16,311
[man] Spider-Man!

1098
00:53:16,394 --> 00:53:19,481
The Spider-Man is a thing.
So, that's fairly vanilla.

1099
00:53:19,564 --> 00:53:20,649
That's when you're behind a lady.

1100
00:53:20,732 --> 00:53:22,109
That's key to the operation.
You're behind the lady,

1101
00:53:22,192 --> 00:53:23,735
and you're working your magic.

1102
00:53:23,819 --> 00:53:25,695
And then you... She's facing that way.
That's key.

1103
00:53:25,779 --> 00:53:27,239
You pull out, catch.

1104
00:53:28,156 --> 00:53:29,908
Women are inquisitive creatures.
She'll want to know

1105
00:53:29,991 --> 00:53:31,201
what's going on.
"What's happening back there?"

1106
00:53:31,284 --> 00:53:32,911
"Spider-Man!"

1107
00:53:35,247 --> 00:53:36,915
There's a Spider-Man,
there's also a Superman.

1108
00:53:36,998 --> 00:53:39,084
The Superman's where you come
across a lady's shoulder blades,

1109
00:53:39,167 --> 00:53:41,461
grab a sheet, pop that down.

1110
00:53:42,379 --> 00:53:45,590
And then you're hoping
when she gets up, she has a cape.

1111
00:53:46,800 --> 00:53:48,969
So, there's Spider-Man, Superman.
There's also a Batman.

1112
00:53:49,052 --> 00:53:51,096
I was doing a show the other night,
and a bloke went, "Batman!"

1113
00:53:51,179 --> 00:53:53,849
I said, "What's the Batman?"
He went, "Kill her parents."

1114
00:53:53,932 --> 00:53:55,433
[audience laughing]

1115
00:53:59,271 --> 00:54:01,231
Teenage boys masturbate a lot.
Nothing to be ashamed of.

1116
00:54:01,314 --> 00:54:04,484
When I was a teenage boy,
I had a sock called the Dream Catcher.

1117
00:54:06,987 --> 00:54:08,864
We're all familiar with
the danger wank, yes?

1118
00:54:08,947 --> 00:54:11,116
Very much the preserve of the teenage boy.

1119
00:54:11,199 --> 00:54:13,702
It's where you've taken matters
into your own hands.

1120
00:54:14,661 --> 00:54:16,788
Some hand-to-gland combat.

1121
00:54:17,706 --> 00:54:19,875
You're knocking one out,
having a wank.

1122
00:54:19,958 --> 00:54:21,459
But you don't just want
the sexual gratification,

1123
00:54:21,543 --> 00:54:22,919
you also want a frisson of excitement.

1124
00:54:23,003 --> 00:54:24,880
Some adrenaline pumping
through your veins.

1125
00:54:24,963 --> 00:54:27,883
So mid-wank,
you call for someone in the house

1126
00:54:27,966 --> 00:54:29,676
you do not have
a sexual relationship with,

1127
00:54:29,759 --> 00:54:33,096
and then try and finish
said wank before they arrive.

1128
00:54:33,180 --> 00:54:37,225
The classic, of course, "Mum! Mum!"

1129
00:54:37,309 --> 00:54:40,020
And then try and...
I mean, obviously, it could end in tears.

1130
00:54:40,103 --> 00:54:42,105
You could end up glazing
your mum like a doughnut.

1131
00:54:42,189 --> 00:54:44,065
[audience groans and laughs]

1132
00:54:48,069 --> 00:54:49,654
Shall I just leave the phrase

1133
00:54:49,738 --> 00:54:52,365
"glazing your mum like a doughnut"
hanging in the air?

1134
00:54:54,242 --> 00:54:58,288
I've looked at so much Internet porn,
the virus my computer has is HIV.

1135
00:55:00,332 --> 00:55:03,126
We had a proper, serious, grown-up
discussion about pornography recently,

1136
00:55:03,210 --> 00:55:05,503
and my girlfriend said, well,
some of you may share the sentiment.

1137
00:55:05,587 --> 00:55:07,047
She said, "I don't get porn.

1138
00:55:07,130 --> 00:55:10,342
Why would I want to watch
two people have sex?"

1139
00:55:10,425 --> 00:55:12,302
I said, "Two?

1140
00:55:14,846 --> 00:55:16,223
People?

1141
00:55:18,475 --> 00:55:19,684
Now you've lost me."

1142
00:55:20,727 --> 00:55:22,938
Has anyone here ever
looked at porn online?

1143
00:55:23,021 --> 00:55:24,522
[scattered cheers]

1144
00:55:24,606 --> 00:55:26,566
Oh, really? About 15 people?

1145
00:55:27,400 --> 00:55:29,903
Well, what a statistical anomaly
you are, London.

1146
00:55:30,987 --> 00:55:33,323
So I was looking at some
gentlemen's special interest material

1147
00:55:33,406 --> 00:55:34,616
recently on the Internet,

1148
00:55:34,699 --> 00:55:37,244
and this ad popped up
for a penis-enlargement cream.

1149
00:55:37,327 --> 00:55:40,121
I thought, "Well, I'll read on.
I'm not buying a fucking Audi."

1150
00:55:40,205 --> 00:55:41,248
Um...

1151
00:55:42,666 --> 00:55:45,001
Basically it said, "Rub this cream
on your penis and it'll get bigger."

1152
00:55:45,085 --> 00:55:46,336
I thought, "Well, I'll stop you there.

1153
00:55:46,419 --> 00:55:48,129
Rub your penis without
the cream, it'll get bigger."

1154
00:55:49,089 --> 00:55:52,842
That is the nature of rubbing and penises.
They bloody love it!

1155
00:55:54,261 --> 00:55:56,346
Second thing, if this stuff
actually worked, wouldn't the guy

1156
00:55:56,429 --> 00:55:59,891
in the after photos in the advert
also have massive hands?

1157
00:56:03,270 --> 00:56:04,312
He did not.

1158
00:56:04,396 --> 00:56:05,897
I got in trouble for a joke last year.

1159
00:56:05,981 --> 00:56:08,191
Now, I don't mind getting
in trouble for a joke if it's worth it.

1160
00:56:08,275 --> 00:56:09,651
If it's, like, a really edgy joke.

1161
00:56:09,734 --> 00:56:11,278
I got in trouble
for a joke that's so mild.

1162
00:56:11,361 --> 00:56:15,156
I said, "Deafness is getting
to be quite a problem for me.

1163
00:56:15,240 --> 00:56:17,575
And I never thought
I'd hear myself say that."

1164
00:56:18,535 --> 00:56:22,038
We got, like, 50 letters of complaint from
the National Association of the Deaf.

1165
00:56:22,122 --> 00:56:24,499
And what I wanna know is,
who told them?

1166
00:56:27,168 --> 00:56:29,963
I said I was sorry.
Would they listen?

1167
00:56:30,922 --> 00:56:34,634
I got talking to a North African girl
in her native language for hours.

1168
00:56:34,718 --> 00:56:35,719
We just clicked.

1169
00:56:38,346 --> 00:56:40,265
Fucking anthropology jokes.
I've got it all.

1170
00:56:40,890 --> 00:56:41,933
[laughs]

1171
00:56:42,017 --> 00:56:43,935
I was gonna give you some advice,
ladies and gentlemen.

1172
00:56:44,019 --> 00:56:45,020
Little bit of advice.

1173
00:56:45,103 --> 00:56:48,481
If you get bitten by a dangerous dog,
like a Staffordshire bull terrier,

1174
00:56:48,565 --> 00:56:50,358
any dog whose jaw locks when it bites you,

1175
00:56:50,442 --> 00:56:51,818
what you're meant to do
is stick a finger...

1176
00:56:51,901 --> 00:56:52,902
How can I put this politely?

1177
00:56:52,986 --> 00:56:54,195
Up the ass.

1178
00:56:54,279 --> 00:56:56,323
Now, key thing I was not made aware of,

1179
00:56:56,406 --> 00:56:59,242
it's got to be the dog's ass.

1180
00:57:01,077 --> 00:57:03,705
Can't just be a passer-by
you like the look of.

1181
00:57:03,788 --> 00:57:05,290
Or your own.

1182
00:57:05,373 --> 00:57:08,251
Sharks.
Sharks are twice as likely,

1183
00:57:08,335 --> 00:57:11,588
twice as likely to bite a woman as a man.

1184
00:57:11,671 --> 00:57:14,257
So, gentlemen,
if you're swimming with a woman,

1185
00:57:14,341 --> 00:57:16,051
and you see a shark,
here's what you do.

1186
00:57:16,134 --> 00:57:19,429
You punch it as hard as you can
on the nose,

1187
00:57:19,512 --> 00:57:21,389
and you throw it towards the shark.

1188
00:57:23,725 --> 00:57:25,477
Here's some advice.
Women aren't meant to go camping

1189
00:57:25,560 --> 00:57:26,936
when they've got their period,

1190
00:57:27,020 --> 00:57:29,773
because what's the point in taking you
if you're not gonna fuck us?

1191
00:57:29,856 --> 00:57:31,941
[audience exclaiming and laughing]

1192
00:57:33,193 --> 00:57:34,861
It's a joke.

1193
00:57:34,944 --> 00:57:37,405
They're actually worried if you're
menstruating and you go camping,

1194
00:57:37,489 --> 00:57:39,908
you might attract a bear...

1195
00:57:39,991 --> 00:57:42,911
and then bite its fucking head off
for no good reason.

1196
00:57:44,788 --> 00:57:47,749
It's basic bear safety is what it is.
Basic bear safety.

1197
00:57:47,832 --> 00:57:50,210
[audience cheering and applauding]

1198
00:57:50,293 --> 00:57:51,961
That is, ladies and gentlemen,
pretty much my show.

1199
00:57:53,463 --> 00:57:56,383
Oh, there is a collection after the show.
It's not a charity thing.

1200
00:57:56,466 --> 00:57:57,634
It's not for my taxes.

1201
00:57:57,717 --> 00:58:00,387
We're actually raising money
for a sex change operation

1202
00:58:00,470 --> 00:58:02,889
for my brother. I don't want to go
into too much in the way of detail.

1203
00:58:02,972 --> 00:58:06,351
Suffice it to say,
it is the ultimate practical joke.

1204
00:58:08,853 --> 00:58:11,898
He's going to wake up
the day after his stag do,

1205
00:58:11,981 --> 00:58:15,110
with a terrible hangover and amazing tits.
It's gonna be huge.

1206
00:58:16,695 --> 00:58:19,614
Now, should we... It's that sort of
stage of the evening. It's late on, right?

1207
00:58:19,698 --> 00:58:22,367
-Should we try some rough stuff?
-[audience] Yeah!

1208
00:58:22,450 --> 00:58:24,911
If you drink or smoke during pregnancy,

1209
00:58:24,994 --> 00:58:26,454
you can lose the baby.

1210
00:58:26,538 --> 00:58:29,165
It's worth a shot
before you splash out on another abortion.

1211
00:58:29,249 --> 00:58:31,501
-[audience laughing]
-[scattered] Oh!

1212
00:58:31,584 --> 00:58:34,254
Don't give me the "oh".
I'm not made of coat hangers, am I?

1213
00:58:34,337 --> 00:58:36,715
[audience gasping and laughing]

1214
00:58:36,798 --> 00:58:38,883
That's divided the room, hasn't it?

1215
00:58:39,884 --> 00:58:42,429
There's people that thought that was funny
and then there are good people.

1216
00:58:42,512 --> 00:58:44,013
Um...

1217
00:58:44,097 --> 00:58:45,974
I get away with murder in jokes.

1218
00:58:46,057 --> 00:58:47,475
I think 'cause they're so clearly jokes.

1219
00:58:47,559 --> 00:58:50,562
Feed line, punch line, laugh.
Possibly a "ooh".

1220
00:58:50,645 --> 00:58:52,689
But it's so clearly a joke.
It's not an opinion.

1221
00:58:52,772 --> 00:58:54,232
I'm not trying to change
your mind about anything.

1222
00:58:54,315 --> 00:58:55,316
I'm just trying to make you laugh.

1223
00:58:55,400 --> 00:58:57,527
But actually,
my dirty secret is, sometimes,

1224
00:58:57,610 --> 00:59:00,071
when I'm at home writing jokes of a day,
I look back at what I've done,

1225
00:59:00,155 --> 00:59:02,741
and I'll just go, "Well, that isn't
transgressive, or taboo, or edgy.

1226
00:59:02,824 --> 00:59:03,908
That's just wrong.

1227
00:59:03,992 --> 00:59:05,910
That's just 100% wrong."

1228
00:59:05,994 --> 00:59:07,912
And then, another bit of me,
quite a big bit, goes,

1229
00:59:07,996 --> 00:59:09,164
"Yeah, funny though."

1230
00:59:10,915 --> 00:59:13,126
If we're gonna be fancy about it,
it's cognitive dissonance.

1231
00:59:13,209 --> 00:59:17,088
It's two opposing thoughts
in my head at the same time.

1232
00:59:17,172 --> 00:59:19,215
I think, "It's wrong. It's funny."

1233
00:59:19,299 --> 00:59:22,719
Is it okay to say something
that's 100% wrong if it's funny enough?

1234
00:59:22,802 --> 00:59:23,887
[audience] Yeah!

1235
00:59:23,970 --> 00:59:25,638
Well, you say that,
but it's not like 100% wrong

1236
00:59:25,722 --> 00:59:28,975
where you'll go,
"What are you like? Cheeky!"

1237
00:59:29,058 --> 00:59:31,561
You're much more likely to go "ugh".

1238
00:59:32,645 --> 00:59:35,148
-Shall we give it a go?
-[audience] Yeah!

1239
00:59:35,231 --> 00:59:36,357
Okay. If I was to say to you...

1240
00:59:36,441 --> 00:59:38,568
It's about language being boring,
if it's about anything.

1241
00:59:38,651 --> 00:59:41,196
If I was to say to you I was with a girl,
and she was really aroused.

1242
00:59:41,279 --> 00:59:43,573
Well, firstly, you might be surprised.

1243
00:59:43,656 --> 00:59:45,992
Secondly, bored.
That is a boring way of speaking.

1244
00:59:46,075 --> 00:59:47,869
"I was with a girl.
She was really aroused."

1245
00:59:47,952 --> 00:59:49,037
Boring.

1246
00:59:49,120 --> 00:59:50,330
But if I was to say to you,

1247
00:59:50,413 --> 00:59:53,541
"I was with a girl.
She was wetter than a spastic's chin!"

1248
00:59:53,625 --> 00:59:56,669
[audience laughing and applauding]

1249
01:00:00,840 --> 01:00:02,175
That's the only difficult thing
about doing comedy,

1250
01:00:02,258 --> 01:00:05,011
is to know where to draw the line, right?

1251
01:00:05,595 --> 01:00:06,846
It's difficult to know
where to draw the line.

1252
01:00:06,930 --> 01:00:09,224
I've got a friend of mine
whose father has Parkinson's.

1253
01:00:09,307 --> 01:00:10,600
And I was chatting to him and his father.

1254
01:00:10,683 --> 01:00:11,684
I was round at theirs, having tea,

1255
01:00:11,768 --> 01:00:13,645
and they asked, they said,

1256
01:00:13,728 --> 01:00:15,688
"Well, what can you joke about,
and what can't you joke about?

1257
01:00:15,772 --> 01:00:17,774
Would it be okay, for example,
to joke about Parkinson's?"

1258
01:00:17,857 --> 01:00:19,859
And I was like, "Mmm..."

1259
01:00:19,943 --> 01:00:21,986
[audience laughing]

1260
01:00:25,323 --> 01:00:26,491
It's quite funny when I say it.

1261
01:00:26,574 --> 01:00:29,994
When his father tried to retell
that joke to his mum... Ha!

1262
01:00:30,078 --> 01:00:32,330
[audience gasping and laughing]

1263
01:00:32,413 --> 01:00:33,706
I'd like to end the evening this evening

1264
01:00:33,790 --> 01:00:37,001
Charlie Hebdo.

1265
01:00:37,085 --> 01:00:38,336
I don't know if you're aware of them.

1266
01:00:38,419 --> 01:00:41,798
They have a satirical magazine
in France, and they tell jokes.

1267
01:00:41,881 --> 01:00:43,383
And because they tell jokes,

1268
01:00:43,466 --> 01:00:46,177
some people that couldn't take
a fucking joke shot them.

1269
01:00:46,261 --> 01:00:47,303
It's terrible.

1270
01:00:47,387 --> 01:00:49,722
I'd like to do a joke
in solidarity with those guys.

1271
01:00:49,806 --> 01:00:52,016
-For the end of the gig. Yeah.
-[audience applauding]

1272
01:00:53,351 --> 01:00:55,436
Whenever I see footage of a mosque...

1273
01:00:58,940 --> 01:01:01,067
Can anyone else feel
a tension in the room?

1274
01:01:02,819 --> 01:01:04,529
Whenever I see footage of a mosque...

1275
01:01:04,612 --> 01:01:06,489
This one's also for you,
Andreas, the Christian.

1276
01:01:07,699 --> 01:01:11,619
I like to think of myself
as an equal opportunities offender.

1277
01:01:11,703 --> 01:01:14,706
I don't care who your imaginary friend is.

1278
01:01:15,874 --> 01:01:18,626
I think it's all pretty fucking risible.

1279
01:01:18,710 --> 01:01:20,587
Whenever I see footage of a mosque

1280
01:01:20,670 --> 01:01:24,757
on the news or in a documentary,
everyone bowing their heads to pray,

1281
01:01:24,841 --> 01:01:28,469
Guess Who?

1282
01:01:31,014 --> 01:01:34,309
And someone's just said,
"Does he have a beard?"

1283
01:01:34,392 --> 01:01:35,894
[audience laughing]

1284
01:01:35,977 --> 01:01:38,438
[applauding]

1285
01:01:38,521 --> 01:01:39,564
Listen, I've been Jimmy Carr.

1286
01:01:39,647 --> 01:01:41,608
Thank you very much indeed.
Cheers. Good night. Thank you.

1287
01:01:41,691 --> 01:01:44,319
[audience cheering and applauding]