2 00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:36,118 Good morning, my little chicks and cocks. 3 00:00:36,244 --> 00:00:38,162 Malcolm, monitoring... All the usual. 4 00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:40,664 How did your team do at the weekend? 5 00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:43,500 - All right, yeah, we won. - Wanker. 6 00:00:43,626 --> 00:00:46,628 Sam, morning. How are you? 7 00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:49,965 Well, pop-pickers, what disc shall we start with today? 8 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:53,552 Wonky Ron or how about Simon Foster? 9 00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:56,722 On the Eddie Mair PM programme on the BBC. 10 00:00:56,848 --> 00:00:59,516 Well, I'm joined by Simon Foster, 11 00:00:59,642 --> 00:01:01,935 the Minister for International Development. 12 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,021 You've been in the job for 18 months. 13 00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:06,065 Do you think you're making headway? 14 00:01:06,191 --> 00:01:08,067 Yes, I do. 15 00:01:08,193 --> 00:01:10,903 You'd expect me to say that, I suppose. 16 00:01:11,780 --> 00:01:13,572 Mark. 17 00:01:13,698 --> 00:01:16,366 You're co-ordinating the Millennium Goals press release? 18 00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:18,285 Co-ordinate it better, please. 19 00:01:18,411 --> 00:01:20,329 Is that the minister? 20 00:01:20,455 --> 00:01:21,747 OK. 21 00:01:22,540 --> 00:01:25,876 Have we heard anything from Malcolm about last night's interview? 22 00:01:26,002 --> 00:01:27,920 No, not yet. 23 00:01:28,046 --> 00:01:31,215 - Perhaps he didn't hear it. - Or maybe he's dead. 24 00:01:31,341 --> 00:01:32,883 He might be dead! 25 00:01:33,009 --> 00:01:36,386 He might have finally had that massive stroke he's been heading for. 26 00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:38,722 It's been in the fucking post. 27 00:01:38,848 --> 00:01:42,893 Preventable sickness in many of the poorest countries around the world. 28 00:01:43,019 --> 00:01:45,229 And of course, the big one is diarrhoea... 29 00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:49,191 Ah, diarrhoea. This is the Minister for International Development. 30 00:01:49,317 --> 00:01:51,401 He should be talking about food parcels, 31 00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:53,779 not fucking arse-spraying mayhem. 32 00:01:53,905 --> 00:01:57,199 So if we can tackle the easy things like diarrhoea, then we can... 33 00:01:57,325 --> 00:01:59,660 Oh, say it again. Yes, very good. 34 00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:01,787 What is this, the shitting forecast? 35 00:02:01,913 --> 00:02:03,872 ..hopefully that will strike another blow 36 00:02:03,998 --> 00:02:05,916 in the war against preventable diseases. 37 00:02:06,042 --> 00:02:07,918 - You mentioned the word "war". - Steady, Eddie. 38 00:02:08,044 --> 00:02:09,878 Against preventable diseases. 39 00:02:10,004 --> 00:02:12,339 All the evidence now points to 40 00:02:12,465 --> 00:02:15,801 a US military intervention in the Middle East. 41 00:02:15,927 --> 00:02:17,886 Is that your view? 42 00:02:18,012 --> 00:02:21,640 Well, personally, I think that war is unforeseeable. 43 00:02:21,766 --> 00:02:23,267 Sam. Sam! 44 00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:24,977 .. Unforeseeable? - Yes. 45 00:02:25,103 --> 00:02:27,938 No, you do not think that! 46 00:02:28,064 --> 00:02:30,149 Sam, I'm going to have to go 47 00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:33,902 to International Development to pull Simon Foster's fucking hair. 48 00:02:34,028 --> 00:02:35,946 He did not say "unforeseeable". 49 00:02:36,072 --> 00:02:39,032 You may have heard him say that, but he did not say that. 50 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,617 And that is a fact. 51 00:02:40,743 --> 00:02:42,661 Now, he's gonna want you to row back 52 00:02:42,787 --> 00:02:45,622 on that "unforeseeable" thing on Question Time tonight. 53 00:02:45,748 --> 00:02:49,793 On Question Time, you know the funny question they always have at the end? 54 00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:51,170 Yes. 55 00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:53,213 I think we should prep that now. 56 00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:55,632 Cos I'd like to shine on the funny question. 57 00:02:55,758 --> 00:02:58,010 I'm a funny guy, with a light touch. 58 00:02:58,136 --> 00:03:01,430 There's this guy, he's a property tycoon. He bought a South Sea island. 59 00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:04,683 It might be something like that. If you had to spend the rest of your life 60 00:03:04,809 --> 00:03:07,269 on a desert island with someone, who would it be with? 61 00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:10,022 Well... I can't say my wife cos I haven't got one. 62 00:03:10,148 --> 00:03:13,734 I can't say my girlfriend, because I haven't got one of those either. 63 00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:17,654 - And don't say Mandela. That's... - No, no, boring. And a bloke. 64 00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:19,239 Or Keira Knightley. 65 00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:21,450 That's a good idea. 66 00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:24,203 Pervert. Sex. Minister. People don't want to know. 67 00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:25,829 I don't think so. 68 00:03:25,955 --> 00:03:28,081 Did you take the washing out of the machine? 69 00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,958 - No. - What do you mean "no"? 70 00:03:30,084 --> 00:03:32,294 No, I didn't take the washing out of the machine. 71 00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:34,671 - It's gonna go really stale... - It'll be fine. 72 00:03:34,797 --> 00:03:37,090 - It's not fine. - It's fine. I'll wear stale pants. 73 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,509 I don't want to go out with someone in stale pants. 74 00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:41,678 Well, there we go. I could go commando. 75 00:03:41,804 --> 00:03:44,264 But I don't think that's accepted in government. 76 00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:46,850 Have you got everything you need for your first day? 77 00:03:46,976 --> 00:03:48,894 Oh, yes, all in here. My massive intellect 78 00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:51,313 and an apple for Simon Foster. 79 00:03:51,439 --> 00:03:53,357 Simon "Fluster", don't you mean? 80 00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:55,692 Don't call him that. I'm rebranding him. 81 00:03:55,818 --> 00:03:58,237 He was absolutely crap on the radio last night. 82 00:03:58,363 --> 00:04:00,530 He sounded like a chicken with a wasp up its arse. 83 00:04:00,657 --> 00:04:02,491 You give me a week, I'll have him sounding 84 00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:04,534 like a chicken without a wasp up its arse. 85 00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:07,371 Good luck at the Foreign Office. Try not to annoy Russia. 86 00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:09,373 - See you later. - See you later. 87 00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:11,875 I'll give you a call later. Keep your phone on. 88 00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:14,711 - Be careful. Cars. - Oh, really? Thanks for that. 89 00:04:14,837 --> 00:04:16,880 Helpful... 90 00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,592 OK, OK, go ahead and print "unforeseeable". 91 00:04:20,718 --> 00:04:22,386 Listen, assume I tell your wife 92 00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:25,138 about you and Angela Heaney at the Blackpool conference, 93 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,766 what would be best, an e-mail, a phone call or what? 94 00:04:27,892 --> 00:04:30,727 I could write it on a cake! With those little silver balls. 95 00:04:30,853 --> 00:04:33,605 "Your hack husband betrayed you on October 4th... 96 00:04:33,731 --> 00:04:35,774 and congratulations on the new baby." 97 00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:38,235 Yeah, maybe it's better to spike it, yeah. 98 00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:40,279 OK, fuckity bye. 99 00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:42,614 Did you put away the lasagne? 100 00:04:42,740 --> 00:04:44,741 Yes, of course, it's in the fridge. 101 00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:47,119 It's got Clingfilm on it and everything. 102 00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:49,121 Why did you put Clingfilm on it? 103 00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:52,291 Because that keeps it fresh. That's the point of Clingfilm. 104 00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:54,126 No, I don't want to hold. 105 00:04:54,252 --> 00:04:55,294 It might dry out. 106 00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:56,586 That's an amateur mistake. 107 00:04:56,713 --> 00:05:00,257 I'm not holding any longer. What's he waiting for, a fucking sex change? 108 00:05:00,383 --> 00:05:01,591 It's not carcinogenic. 109 00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:03,593 What, Simon Foster? 110 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,595 Clingfilm doesn't give you cancer. 111 00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:07,597 Diarrhoea Of A Nobody. I like that. 112 00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:09,641 - Aluminium foil... - Apropos of that... 113 00:05:09,767 --> 00:05:12,728 ..gives you AIDS, or, you know, lasagne gives you syphilis. 114 00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:15,439 - It's not a thing. - No, you relax! 115 00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:17,107 God, who's that? 116 00:05:17,233 --> 00:05:19,151 Get me fucking Brian! 117 00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:22,321 If you don't get me fucking Brian, I'm gonna come over there. 118 00:05:22,447 --> 00:05:24,573 I'm gonna lock you in a fucking flotation tank 119 00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:26,992 and pump it full of sewage until you fucking drown. 120 00:05:27,118 --> 00:05:30,120 - Paris Hilton. - Are you serious? 121 00:05:30,246 --> 00:05:31,747 - Lily Allen. - No, no women. 122 00:05:31,873 --> 00:05:33,457 123 00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:35,459 - Yeah? - The Olsen twins. 124 00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:38,128 - Thank you. - Who's that? 125 00:05:38,254 --> 00:05:41,631 - Malcolm. He's coming to see you. - Oh, shit, he's still alive. 126 00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:43,967 - When's he due? - Now! 127 00:05:44,093 --> 00:05:46,887 And don't say you weren't prepared, because I rang ahead. 128 00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:49,348 Give us a minute, could you, please, love? 129 00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:53,352 In the words of the late, great Nat King fucking Cole, 130 00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:55,896 unforeseeable, that's what you are. 131 00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:58,065 Who's that geezer? 132 00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:01,651 Oh, I know who he is. 133 00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:04,112 You're Dan, right? 134 00:06:04,238 --> 00:06:06,573 - Daniel? The new adviser? - Toby. 135 00:06:06,699 --> 00:06:08,700 Toby. Oh. Sorry about the "Dan" thing. 136 00:06:08,826 --> 00:06:11,787 You guys are often called "Dan" so it's worth a punt. 137 00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:13,705 I'm Judy, by the way. Judy Molloy. 138 00:06:13,831 --> 00:06:16,625 Director of Communications for International Development. 139 00:06:16,751 --> 00:06:17,876 Is this a normal morning? 140 00:06:18,002 --> 00:06:20,045 The minister was rubbish on last night's interview... 141 00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:22,422 - He was rubbish? - Yes. Rubbish. 142 00:06:22,548 --> 00:06:26,176 Come on, Malcolm, he asked me for... for a personal opinion. 143 00:06:26,302 --> 00:06:29,596 Why didn't you say? He asked you. Fuck, of course, that explains it. 144 00:06:29,722 --> 00:06:33,016 If he'd asked you to fucking black up, or to give him your PIN number 145 00:06:33,142 --> 00:06:35,268 or to shit yourself, would you have done that? 146 00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:38,021 Blacked up, yes. It was radio, nobody would've known. 147 00:06:38,147 --> 00:06:39,356 Very good. 148 00:06:39,482 --> 00:06:41,942 War is basically unforeseeable, isn't it? 149 00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:45,237 That is not our line. Walk the fucking line. 150 00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:48,490 We've got Karen Clark over from Washington today. 151 00:06:48,616 --> 00:06:51,034 We've got enough fucking Pentagon goons here 152 00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:52,661 to stage a fucking coup d'état. 153 00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:55,038 - Minister. - Not the time, love. 154 00:06:55,164 --> 00:06:57,082 - I'm busy. Fuck off. - This is Toby. 155 00:06:57,208 --> 00:07:00,544 Toby, hi. I'm glad you could make it. It's a bit of an odd morning here. 156 00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:03,255 Welcome to the madhouse. I apologise for Malcolm. 157 00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:06,091 Don't apologise for me. Apologise for yourself. 158 00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:09,052 Did I not just tell you to fuck off and yet you're still here? 159 00:07:09,178 --> 00:07:11,054 It's true, I am, yes, still here. 160 00:07:11,180 --> 00:07:12,722 Hi, foetus boy, 161 00:07:12,849 --> 00:07:15,475 lesson one, I tell you to fuck off, what do you do? 162 00:07:15,601 --> 00:07:17,519 Eff off? 163 00:07:17,645 --> 00:07:19,563 You'll go far. 164 00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:21,648 - Now, fuck off. - Right. 165 00:07:21,774 --> 00:07:26,736 Judy and I were thinking that I could row back on Question Time tonight. 166 00:07:26,863 --> 00:07:29,281 You're not on Question Time. You've been disinvited. 167 00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:33,118 - We've been prepping Question Time. - Why wasn't I told about this? 168 00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:36,413 Why the fuck would I tell you about it? I told you to fuck off twice. 169 00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:40,333 It's a scheduled media appearance by this department's secretary of state 170 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,419 so it falls well within my purview. 171 00:07:42,545 --> 00:07:44,087 - Within your purview? - Yes. 172 00:07:44,213 --> 00:07:47,799 Where do you think you are, some fucking Regency costume drama? 173 00:07:47,925 --> 00:07:51,553 This is a government department, not a fucking Jane fucking Austen novel. 174 00:07:51,679 --> 00:07:54,598 - Malcolm... - Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet 175 00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:57,934 on your purview and ram it up the shitter with a lubricated horse cock. 176 00:07:58,060 --> 00:07:59,978 Your swearing does not impress me. 177 00:08:00,104 --> 00:08:02,898 My husband works for Tower Hamlets and believe me, 178 00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:05,734 those kids make you sound like... Angela Lansbury. 179 00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:07,569 She's married? Poor bastard. 180 00:08:07,695 --> 00:08:12,157 Malcolm, Judy's lubricated horse cock aside for a second, 181 00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:16,036 are you saying I'm now no longer allowed to make media appearances? 182 00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:18,997 Correct. Not until we can trust you to keep the line. 183 00:08:19,123 --> 00:08:21,750 I was going to keep to the line. I was going to say, 184 00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:24,294 I don't think war is unforeseeable... 185 00:08:24,420 --> 00:08:27,339 - What is it, then? - I dunno. Foreseeable? No. 186 00:08:27,465 --> 00:08:30,342 No! Not foreseeable. That's fucking declaring war. 187 00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:32,385 Do you want to fucking declare war? 188 00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:35,555 I'm a Cabinet minister. I didn't get here by screwing up 189 00:08:35,681 --> 00:08:37,933 every media appearance I ever had. 190 00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:41,061 Write this down. It's neither foreseeable nor unforeseeable. 191 00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:44,064 Right, so not inevitable, but not... 192 00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:46,274 You'd better walk on this fucking line. 193 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:47,859 ..evitable. 194 00:08:47,985 --> 00:08:51,780 You, hey, put the snifter out there that if the BBC ambushes a minister 195 00:08:51,906 --> 00:08:55,158 with another surprise question about the war, I'll drop a bomb on them. 196 00:08:55,284 --> 00:08:57,202 I can't do that, can I? That's political. 197 00:08:57,328 --> 00:09:00,539 Does that not fit within your purview, Marie Antoinette? 198 00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:03,333 Why don't you just scuttle off back to fucking Cranford 199 00:09:03,459 --> 00:09:06,836 and play around with your tea and your cakes and your fucking horse cocks. 200 00:09:06,963 --> 00:09:10,715 Let them eat cock! Hey, you! Ron Weasley, you do it. 201 00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,970 No, no, you needn't worry about the Canadians, 202 00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:17,013 they're just happy to be there. 203 00:09:17,139 --> 00:09:20,642 Yes, well, they always look surprised when they're invited. 204 00:09:20,768 --> 00:09:23,562 Shall I just give Toby a call about this Simon Foster thing? 205 00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:26,022 Yes, good idea. No, I'm not talking to you. 206 00:09:26,148 --> 00:09:28,191 Get me the Angolan chargé d'affaires. 207 00:09:28,317 --> 00:09:31,027 Yes, well stop him playing football. 208 00:09:31,862 --> 00:09:33,238 Hello. 209 00:09:33,364 --> 00:09:35,407 So, how's it going? Found the bogs? 210 00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:37,450 It's a bit...manic. 211 00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:41,830 Never like this at Agriculture. People tend not to get so sweary about wheat. 212 00:09:41,956 --> 00:09:44,708 Sorry, Michael, do you mind just turning it down a bit? 213 00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:48,378 - Just a little bit...grating. Bloody music. 214 00:09:48,504 --> 00:09:51,214 Listen, I've got a bit of leg-up for you, actually. 215 00:09:51,340 --> 00:09:55,885 Yeah. I think we can get Simon Foster into the three o'clock with Karen Clark. 216 00:09:56,012 --> 00:09:57,721 Karen Clark? 217 00:09:57,847 --> 00:10:01,224 Was she the woman who went round Britain in a coracle for leukaemia? 218 00:10:01,350 --> 00:10:04,436 No, Toby. Karen Clark, US Assistant Secretary of State. 219 00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:07,439 Oh, right, Karen Clark. Wow, great. 220 00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:10,233 - Michael wants to say something. - Meat. 221 00:10:10,359 --> 00:10:11,901 Meat? 222 00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:16,239 His man is only going to be meat in the room. No talking. He's just padding. 223 00:10:16,365 --> 00:10:19,284 The Americans don't feel like they're getting a proper meeting 224 00:10:19,410 --> 00:10:21,953 unless there's 30 people on each side, 225 00:10:22,079 --> 00:10:24,289 so he's basically like bulk in the room. 226 00:10:24,415 --> 00:10:27,083 He's not exactly going to be relevant, but he'll be present. 227 00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:28,918 I won't tell him that, to be honest. 228 00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:32,380 - OK, I've got to go, darling. I love you. - OK, yes, likewise. 229 00:10:32,506 --> 00:10:34,174 Affirmative on that one. 230 00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:36,593 All right, darling, take care, bye. 231 00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:39,095 Can I turn it back up now? 232 00:10:39,221 --> 00:10:42,140 You're on sexual health, aren't you? That's ironic. 233 00:10:42,266 --> 00:10:44,184 Right, Toby, quick tour. 234 00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:46,936 - I should probably just go and... - This is Mike. 235 00:10:47,063 --> 00:10:49,856 Just leave it to Mike, cos he knows what he's doing. 236 00:10:49,982 --> 00:10:51,900 - Don't you, Mike? - What? 237 00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:54,486 Exactly. He's an idiot. 238 00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:58,323 Listen, I understand your hostility at new wood being brought in. 239 00:10:58,449 --> 00:11:00,659 Sorry, that's the end of the tour, I'm afraid. 240 00:11:00,785 --> 00:11:04,913 There is really a lot of very important people that you ought to know about, 241 00:11:05,039 --> 00:11:06,956 but I have to... 242 00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:13,797 - Toby, hi. - All right, boss. 243 00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:16,341 I'm sorry about earlier. Malcolm. 244 00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:18,968 - He's a bit of an alpha male, isn't he? - Yes. 245 00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,970 Listen, 246 00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:22,972 I was just um... 247 00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:24,974 - Don't sit on Anna's desk. - Sorry. 248 00:11:25,101 --> 00:11:31,022 I have managed to get you into the big Foreign Office meeting this afternoon. 249 00:11:31,148 --> 00:11:33,775 The Karen Clark meeting? Really? Shit. 250 00:11:33,901 --> 00:11:35,443 How did you do that? 251 00:11:35,569 --> 00:11:38,154 I did it through sheer bloody hard work. 252 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,989 - Judy? - Yeah? 253 00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:44,494 Tobes here has got me into the big Karen Clark meeting this afternoon. 254 00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:45,954 Oh! 255 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:47,997 The big "meat". 256 00:11:48,124 --> 00:11:51,000 Impressive, eh? How are you spelling that, by the way? 257 00:11:51,127 --> 00:11:53,002 Two "E"s. 258 00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:54,337 Oh, right. 259 00:11:54,463 --> 00:11:56,339 Just one thing. 260 00:11:56,465 --> 00:12:00,802 Talkingwise, you might find once we get in there, that the bulk of it... 261 00:12:00,928 --> 00:12:03,012 - Can we just wait for Judy? - Of course. 262 00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:05,181 Simon. 263 00:12:05,307 --> 00:12:06,391 Michael, hi. 264 00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:08,393 Hello. Welcome. 265 00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:10,228 - Michael? - Yes. 266 00:12:10,354 --> 00:12:13,940 I'm Chad. We'd like a dual horseshoe formation for the meeting set-up. 267 00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:17,527 An enclave for Ms Clark. An enclave for the Pentagon delegation. 268 00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:19,779 And, politely, we request the presence 269 00:12:19,905 --> 00:12:22,407 of both carbonated and non-carbonated waters. 270 00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:24,284 Right. 271 00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:26,745 - Is that all? - Yeah, that's it. Thank you so much. 272 00:12:26,871 --> 00:12:29,914 Not at all. Wow, who was that? Young Lankenstein? 273 00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:33,835 He's probably running something relatively major. 274 00:12:33,961 --> 00:12:35,879 They're all kids in Washington. 275 00:12:36,005 --> 00:12:38,965 It's like Bugsy Malone, but with real guns. 276 00:12:41,218 --> 00:12:43,052 277 00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,013 Thank you all for coming today 278 00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:47,766 to the Interim Anglo-American Resources Forum. 279 00:12:47,892 --> 00:12:49,726 I'd particularly like to welcome... 280 00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:51,853 What's your view like? 281 00:12:51,979 --> 00:12:54,522 - Well, it's pretty basic. - OK, can we swap? 282 00:12:54,648 --> 00:12:57,650 I don't want a consensus forming around the premise 283 00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:02,572 that military action is necessarily the primary option at this point. 284 00:13:02,698 --> 00:13:06,910 This paper which was authored by one of my aides, Liza Weld... 285 00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:10,079 Liza, I hope you don't mind if I foreground this paper. 286 00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:12,624 It's not strictly my paper. 287 00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:16,002 In the sense that you were the one who put in the requests... 288 00:13:16,128 --> 00:13:19,589 Miss Weld is very, very modest, but this is her paper. 289 00:13:19,715 --> 00:13:22,634 And she's highlighted several reasons 290 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:26,930 why we cannot envision a theatre deployment for at least 12 months. 291 00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:30,600 Should I say something? She invited me. I should say something. 292 00:13:30,726 --> 00:13:32,936 If you don't say something in the first ten minutes, 293 00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:35,104 then you might as well not say anything at all. 294 00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:37,273 I really think you shouldn't say anything. 295 00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:40,819 - No, I should say something. - No, Simon, don't, just don't... 296 00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:42,654 Don't pull my hand down. 297 00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:45,657 The committee feels a quicker deployment is possible. 298 00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,033 Ah, which committee? 299 00:13:47,159 --> 00:13:49,494 It was discussed in a number of committees. 300 00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:51,955 - If I mentioned one committee... - You did. 301 00:13:52,081 --> 00:13:53,957 ..then it was a slip of the tongue. 302 00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:57,794 What, because you've accidentally alluded to a secret committee, 303 00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,462 a war committee? 304 00:13:59,588 --> 00:14:03,299 If I may intercept. I understand we are rather pressed for time. 305 00:14:03,425 --> 00:14:06,386 Liza, do you know if Linton has set up a secret war committee? 306 00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,721 - No. I have no idea. - Get me on it. 307 00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:12,141 I think it's worth noting that ministers in the UK government, 308 00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:15,520 such as our colleague here, Simon Foster, 309 00:14:15,646 --> 00:14:20,483 have made it very clear that they feel currently war is unforeseeable. 310 00:14:20,609 --> 00:14:23,361 Isn't that right, Simon? 311 00:14:24,446 --> 00:14:26,322 Er...well, yes. 312 00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:28,825 That's... That's what I said. 313 00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:31,452 And I stick to what I said. 314 00:14:33,914 --> 00:14:39,168 That doesn't mean that what I said won't change... in the future. 315 00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:41,170 Um... it's not immutable 316 00:14:41,297 --> 00:14:43,214 or mutable. 317 00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:45,300 It's... It's... It's... 318 00:14:45,426 --> 00:14:47,343 It's a developing... 319 00:14:47,469 --> 00:14:49,888 - I think there are areas of mutual discussion 320 00:14:50,014 --> 00:14:54,100 that we could come onto now, and then maybe if there's time left at the end... 321 00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:57,353 Judy, can you just pass that on? Is that fine? 322 00:14:57,479 --> 00:15:00,398 Yes, that's all fine, thank you. 323 00:15:02,484 --> 00:15:07,113 Right, come here. We need to talk. What do you mean, "Stop being a tit?" 324 00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:09,157 In what way was I being a tit? 325 00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:11,117 Why am I even over here? 326 00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:13,536 You were just meat in the room, Simon. 327 00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:15,580 - Yeah... - Meat in the room? 328 00:15:15,706 --> 00:15:17,582 Yeah. 329 00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:21,127 For fuck's sake, Judy, I've taken an hour out to come over here 330 00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:22,921 and be room meat. 331 00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:24,964 Yes, but... but a prime cut, 332 00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:26,591 you know, not offal. 333 00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:28,676 Oh, great. I'm not liver. 334 00:15:28,802 --> 00:15:30,720 What was I, tit meat? 335 00:15:30,846 --> 00:15:32,764 Well, no, I just... 336 00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:36,225 Come on. Let's get back. 337 00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:38,227 - Hey, Liza. - Hey. 338 00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:41,773 I just want to say congratulations. Your paper got a major citation. 339 00:15:41,899 --> 00:15:44,484 You must be psyched that Karen brought it up. 340 00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:47,612 Yeah, well, that was, you know, her call. Not mine. 341 00:15:47,738 --> 00:15:48,905 You couldn't write a paper 342 00:15:49,031 --> 00:15:52,241 that clashes more violently with the current climate if you were trying. 343 00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:54,077 It seems like you almost were trying. 344 00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:57,413 - I wasn't trying! Believe me. - You're like the woman in The Omen. 345 00:15:57,539 --> 00:16:00,083 You've given birth to a demon and now it's gonna kill you. 346 00:16:00,209 --> 00:16:02,961 You probably identify with the kid from The Omen. 347 00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:05,505 See, you're an only child, aren't you? 348 00:16:05,631 --> 00:16:07,507 I don't understand how my parents' 349 00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:10,593 limited reproductive ability reflects badly on me. 350 00:16:10,719 --> 00:16:12,762 I'm the sperm that made it, so... 351 00:16:12,888 --> 00:16:14,931 - Liza. - I'm being called by our boss. 352 00:16:15,057 --> 00:16:17,976 - OK, retreat. See you later. - Yeah, have fun with yourself. 353 00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:20,228 Have fun with your career kryptonite. 354 00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:24,065 What's going on down there? That looks important. 355 00:16:24,191 --> 00:16:26,401 My teeth are killing me. Are they chipped? 356 00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:28,945 I think that one has always been there, right? 357 00:16:29,071 --> 00:16:31,614 It was a chip on the veneer. 358 00:16:31,740 --> 00:16:35,076 - Don't look at my teeth for a long time. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 359 00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:37,245 - It just surprised me. - Liza! 360 00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:38,454 Toby. 361 00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:40,790 Toby! Hi. 362 00:16:40,916 --> 00:16:42,834 - Hi. - Give me a call! 363 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,461 - Yeah. - OK. 364 00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:49,298 Liza Weld. She did the Kennedy Scholarship at my college. 365 00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:52,343 - I had a little thing for her at the time. - I can imagine, yeah. 366 00:16:52,469 --> 00:16:54,554 Don't think she remembered me, to be honest. 367 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:57,015 That is one of the side-effects of Rohypnol. 368 00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:01,477 Linton has set up a secret war committee. I just know it. 369 00:17:01,603 --> 00:17:04,772 I mean, Linton is an absolute lunatic, Liza. 370 00:17:04,898 --> 00:17:06,315 - He is dangerous. - It's not good. 371 00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:08,860 The voices in his head now sing barbershop together. 372 00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:13,865 I really, really hope there isn't a war, it's going to be a nightmare. 373 00:17:13,991 --> 00:17:16,659 It's bad enough having to cope with the fucking Olympics. 374 00:17:16,785 --> 00:17:19,078 - Minister? - Just a quick word, sir? 375 00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:22,040 This is your chance to nail the line. Do you want to nail the line? 376 00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:24,584 No, I'll freestyle it. Hello, there. Hi. 377 00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:26,711 So is war unforeseeable, Minister? 378 00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:31,299 Look, all sorts of things, that are actually very likely 379 00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:33,509 are also unforeseeable. 380 00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:39,265 For the plane in the fog, the mountain is un... unforeseeable, 381 00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:43,603 but then it is suddenly very real and inevitable. 382 00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:47,065 Is this your opinion or is this the government position? 383 00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:48,733 The mountain in the metaphor is 384 00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:52,153 a completely hypothetical mountain that could represent anything. 385 00:17:52,279 --> 00:17:54,530 So, who is the plane, and who is the mountain? 386 00:17:54,656 --> 00:17:57,241 - Is the government lost in the fog? - What I'm saying is... 387 00:17:57,367 --> 00:17:59,368 that to walk the road of peace... 388 00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:05,291 sometimes we need to be ready to climb...the mountain of conflict. 389 00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:07,126 Thank you so much. 390 00:18:07,252 --> 00:18:10,713 Thank you. That's it, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. 391 00:18:10,839 --> 00:18:14,592 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, why didn't we nail the line? 392 00:18:14,718 --> 00:18:16,636 Simon, I did try to warn you. 393 00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:19,764 Yes, you tried to warn me, but you didn't actually stop me, did you? 394 00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:21,682 I can't tackle you to the ground. 395 00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:25,269 That's like shouting "Train!" at somebody as they get hit by a train. 396 00:18:25,395 --> 00:18:27,772 You should go "Train! There's a fucking train!" 397 00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:29,649 - Bollocks! 398 00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:32,401 - Fuck, it's Malcolm. - It's Malcolm for me, too. 399 00:18:32,528 --> 00:18:34,445 How does he do that? 400 00:18:34,571 --> 00:18:38,658 Simon, I don't like finding out about people employed by this government 401 00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:40,993 via the news, unless they've just died. 402 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,328 Be here, now. 403 00:18:42,454 --> 00:18:44,330 The British Government must be prepared 404 00:18:44,456 --> 00:18:45,915 to climb the mountain of conflict. 405 00:18:46,041 --> 00:18:48,459 It's unclear if his view is shared by the Prime Minister. 406 00:18:48,585 --> 00:18:50,336 Maybe we should get it out there. 407 00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:53,673 Float the idea that the war is a resigning issue for you. 408 00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:56,968 You can't say it's a resigning issue, because then you have to resign. 409 00:18:57,094 --> 00:19:00,138 You're having a really great first day, you know that? 410 00:19:00,264 --> 00:19:02,974 You are supposed to be a Cabinet minister! 411 00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:05,935 You are supposed to be Officer Class! 412 00:19:06,061 --> 00:19:08,980 Don't do this, don't make fucking waves. 413 00:19:09,106 --> 00:19:11,399 - We can do without the ritual humiliation. 414 00:19:11,525 --> 00:19:13,359 You know I'm against talking up the war. 415 00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:14,986 You're against talking up the war? 416 00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:17,738 Is that why you said "climb the mountain of conflict"? 417 00:19:17,865 --> 00:19:19,365 Do you know what you sounded like? 418 00:19:19,491 --> 00:19:21,784 A fucking Nazi Julie Andrews. 419 00:19:21,910 --> 00:19:27,331 I'm just saying I might be forced to the verge of making a stand. 420 00:19:27,457 --> 00:19:29,500 A stand? 421 00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:34,213 Right, The White Stripes, outside. 422 00:19:34,339 --> 00:19:36,174 Uh-uh. 423 00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:39,802 There's only two people in The White Stripes. 424 00:19:45,601 --> 00:19:47,602 I um... 425 00:19:49,396 --> 00:19:51,189 I admire you. 426 00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:54,192 I really do, I admire you. 427 00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:56,277 Making a stand. 428 00:19:56,403 --> 00:20:01,240 So, I take it, I can tell the PM that you... you don't want to go to Washington? 429 00:20:01,366 --> 00:20:03,576 - To where? - To Washington. 430 00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:06,287 See, the PM, he wants you... Well, he wanted you 431 00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:08,372 to go on a fact-finder, you know. 432 00:20:08,498 --> 00:20:12,376 Problems we might have to face if it all goes boombastic in the Middle East. 433 00:20:12,502 --> 00:20:14,212 Oh, right. 434 00:20:14,338 --> 00:20:17,465 But, you know, that's you, you're on the verge, aren't you? 435 00:20:17,591 --> 00:20:20,051 You're on the verge of your stand, so... 436 00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:21,886 Well, Malcolm, come on, 437 00:20:22,012 --> 00:20:25,056 I don't know what words I used in the heat of the moment. 438 00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:28,559 Maybe in a sense, yeah, I am on the verge, but that's the important thing. 439 00:20:28,685 --> 00:20:32,271 I'm on the verge. I'm not in any way decided. 440 00:20:32,397 --> 00:20:35,066 Christ on a bendy-bus. Don't be such a fucking faff arse. 441 00:20:35,192 --> 00:20:38,069 No, I'm standing my ground, on the verge. 442 00:20:38,195 --> 00:20:40,446 Right, OK, well, when you go to America, 443 00:20:40,572 --> 00:20:42,907 talk to Karen Clark at the State Department, yeah? 444 00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:46,077 - Right, OK. I'll give it a whirl. - Keep away from Linton Barwick. 445 00:20:46,203 --> 00:20:48,120 He's pushing the war for Caulderwood's lot. 446 00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:51,916 I'll deal with him. He uses a live hand grenade as a fucking paper weight. 447 00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:53,751 That's a true story. 448 00:20:53,877 --> 00:20:56,087 Wow, I won't talk to him. 449 00:20:56,213 --> 00:20:59,632 Talk to as few people as possible, that would be best for you. 450 00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:04,762 OK, Liza, the priorities are shower, get me on Linton's war committee 451 00:21:04,888 --> 00:21:08,266 and get me to a dentist, not necessarily in that order. 452 00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:10,142 Shower later. 453 00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:12,561 What has Linton been up to while we've been gone? 454 00:21:12,688 --> 00:21:14,772 Have we declared war on California yet? 455 00:21:14,898 --> 00:21:16,524 Ah, Karen. 456 00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:19,527 - How was London? Good meetings? - Very good meetings. 457 00:21:19,653 --> 00:21:22,947 You know we had some great discussions there, I think our... 458 00:21:23,073 --> 00:21:26,325 Thank you very much, and I will read your words when they come through. 459 00:21:26,451 --> 00:21:28,369 Thank you so much, Karen, hm. Bob. 460 00:21:28,495 --> 00:21:30,538 You won't read the words, Linton. 461 00:21:31,915 --> 00:21:33,582 Is Chad coming? Chad? 462 00:21:33,709 --> 00:21:36,919 No, he's probably doing his desperate chorus girl thing, 463 00:21:37,045 --> 00:21:41,465 hanging around Linton's office, trying to catch an eye, you know. 464 00:21:41,591 --> 00:21:44,802 That's why he's wearing his push-up bra today. Have you noticed? 465 00:21:44,928 --> 00:21:47,763 - Assistant Secretary of State, hi. - Brad, how are you? 466 00:21:47,889 --> 00:21:49,598 - Chad. - Yep, yep, yep, exactly. 467 00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:52,643 - Can I...? - Yep, you betcha, OK. 468 00:21:53,562 --> 00:21:55,479 Hey, listen, the war committee. 469 00:21:55,605 --> 00:21:57,523 What you have to do is you've got to look for 470 00:21:57,649 --> 00:22:00,985 the ten dullest-named committees happening out of the executive branch. 471 00:22:01,111 --> 00:22:04,780 Because Linton is not going to call it the "Big Horrible War Committee". 472 00:22:04,906 --> 00:22:08,117 He's gonna hide it behind a name like "Diverse Strategy". 473 00:22:08,243 --> 00:22:11,162 Something so dull you're just gonna want to self-harm. 474 00:22:11,288 --> 00:22:14,332 Get me General Miller at the Pentagon, please. 475 00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:16,500 My teeth hurt. 476 00:22:16,626 --> 00:22:18,794 My teeth hurt like hell. 477 00:22:19,379 --> 00:22:22,048 I'm sick of hearing about the teeth, frankly. 478 00:22:23,300 --> 00:22:26,135 Hi, yeah. I'm checking the status on a paper 479 00:22:26,261 --> 00:22:28,012 that was circulated by a staffer here. 480 00:22:28,138 --> 00:22:29,680 It's called... 481 00:22:29,806 --> 00:22:34,185 "Post War Planning. Parameters, Implications and Possibilities". 482 00:22:34,311 --> 00:22:38,689 This is the one by... this is the one by Liza Weld, right? 483 00:22:38,815 --> 00:22:40,900 "PWIP PIP"? 484 00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:43,027 Oh, God, it already has an acronym. 485 00:22:43,153 --> 00:22:45,738 You know another acronym? DOA... 486 00:22:45,864 --> 00:22:48,199 Your career. 487 00:22:48,325 --> 00:22:54,372 My golly, I can't see why anyone would choose to work in a glass office, huh? 488 00:22:54,498 --> 00:22:58,417 Glass offices, in my opinion, are for perverts. 489 00:22:58,543 --> 00:23:00,419 I could request the glass be frosted. 490 00:23:00,545 --> 00:23:02,380 Frosting is on cakes, huh? 491 00:23:02,506 --> 00:23:05,466 Now, what else happened in London? 492 00:23:05,592 --> 00:23:08,052 Ah, generally positive, two glitches... 493 00:23:08,178 --> 00:23:09,720 Really, what? 494 00:23:09,846 --> 00:23:12,390 Karen flagged a report by one of her staffers. 495 00:23:12,516 --> 00:23:17,436 She's obviously trying to use it as some kind of roadblock. It's called PWIP PIP. 496 00:23:17,562 --> 00:23:19,897 - PWIP what? - PWIP PIP. 497 00:23:20,023 --> 00:23:23,025 What is it, a report on bird calls? What does it even stand for? 498 00:23:23,151 --> 00:23:26,654 I can't recall. It's factish. Intel for and against intervention. 499 00:23:26,780 --> 00:23:30,741 We have all the facts on this we need. We don't need any more facts. 500 00:23:30,867 --> 00:23:32,993 In the land of truth, my friend... 501 00:23:34,037 --> 00:23:36,205 ..the man with one fact is the king. 502 00:23:36,331 --> 00:23:39,208 You said there was something else, what is that? 503 00:23:39,334 --> 00:23:41,502 In the meeting with the Foreign Office, 504 00:23:41,628 --> 00:23:44,880 the committee was accidentally and briefly alluded to. 505 00:23:45,006 --> 00:23:46,632 Which committee? 506 00:23:46,758 --> 00:23:48,926 The... The war committee, sir. 507 00:23:49,052 --> 00:23:52,096 All right, Karen is not to know about this, huh? 508 00:23:52,222 --> 00:23:55,808 She is an excitable, yapping she-dog. 509 00:23:55,934 --> 00:23:58,519 Get a hold of those minutes. I have to correct the record. 510 00:23:58,645 --> 00:24:00,771 - We can do that? - Yes, we can. 511 00:24:00,897 --> 00:24:03,107 Those minutes are an aide-mémoire for us. 512 00:24:03,233 --> 00:24:07,987 They should not be a reductive record of what happened to have been said, 513 00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:12,074 but they should be more a full record of what was intended to have been said. 514 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:15,119 I think that's the more accurate version, don't you? 515 00:24:15,245 --> 00:24:16,829 - Sir. - Right. 516 00:24:16,955 --> 00:24:19,498 I don't like this section, let's cut that. 517 00:24:19,624 --> 00:24:21,500 Aye aye, sir. 518 00:24:21,626 --> 00:24:23,002 Let's reverse this. 519 00:24:23,128 --> 00:24:25,045 That was something Karen said, sir. 520 00:24:25,172 --> 00:24:27,339 Well, it's not right, so let's change it. 521 00:24:27,466 --> 00:24:30,259 - Aye, aye, sir. - And... And I like... I like this. 522 00:24:30,385 --> 00:24:32,052 Ah, thank you, sir. 523 00:24:32,179 --> 00:24:34,680 Yeah, let's say everyone agreed with that, huh? 524 00:24:34,806 --> 00:24:39,143 So... So the car will pick you up from the airport. 525 00:24:39,269 --> 00:24:41,520 It's supposed to be quite a good one, I believe. 526 00:24:41,646 --> 00:24:44,523 The Americans are doing that. I've just got the contact numbers. 527 00:24:44,649 --> 00:24:46,692 What's she so fucking happy about? 528 00:24:46,818 --> 00:24:48,777 She's probably just on a personal call. 529 00:24:48,904 --> 00:24:50,779 530 00:24:50,906 --> 00:24:53,157 Why has she got control of the blinds? 531 00:24:53,283 --> 00:24:54,325 I think it's... 532 00:24:54,451 --> 00:24:59,163 I'm a government minister and I don't have control of my own blinds. 533 00:24:59,289 --> 00:25:03,501 I could order you some blinds. I could order you some nice, heavy curtains, 534 00:25:03,627 --> 00:25:05,836 with swags and a pelmet maybe. 535 00:25:05,962 --> 00:25:08,547 Yes, do that. 536 00:25:08,673 --> 00:25:10,508 OK. 537 00:25:11,510 --> 00:25:13,511 Will you come with me? 538 00:25:20,852 --> 00:25:25,064 So, listen...my team for the US, Team Simon... 539 00:25:25,190 --> 00:25:28,859 I'm thinking of taking you and leaving Judy. 540 00:25:29,903 --> 00:25:31,529 I could work with that, definitely. 541 00:25:31,655 --> 00:25:33,322 Plus, she can be a bit, you know... 542 00:25:33,448 --> 00:25:35,991 "Everything's a bit shit, isn't it?" Like that. 543 00:25:36,117 --> 00:25:37,910 Yeah, it's true. No, she can be, 544 00:25:38,036 --> 00:25:42,206 "Oh, so you're the President and I'm supposed to be impressed by that?" 545 00:25:42,332 --> 00:25:45,334 "My husband works in Tower Hamlets. Meh, meh, meh." 546 00:25:45,460 --> 00:25:47,795 "Which is much harder than being President." 547 00:25:47,921 --> 00:25:51,632 Yeah, OK. Well, that's settled. Fuck it, she's staying here. Go and tell her. 548 00:25:51,758 --> 00:25:53,342 What? 549 00:25:53,468 --> 00:25:56,720 - Well, that moves us on to any other business. 550 00:25:56,846 --> 00:26:00,391 I think I've flagged everything that I need to discuss, as I usually do. 551 00:26:00,517 --> 00:26:02,434 Everything you're preparedto discuss. 552 00:26:02,561 --> 00:26:04,019 What is that? What are you doing? 553 00:26:04,145 --> 00:26:07,856 I understand you've started a new committee, Linton. What is that called? 554 00:26:07,983 --> 00:26:09,400 What makes you think that? 555 00:26:09,526 --> 00:26:11,735 It was mentioned at our meeting in London. 556 00:26:11,861 --> 00:26:13,195 Well, you must have misheard me. 557 00:26:13,321 --> 00:26:15,656 No. I misheard the word "committee"? 558 00:26:15,782 --> 00:26:17,741 Maybe it was another word. 559 00:26:17,867 --> 00:26:19,743 Like, say, Khomeini. 560 00:26:19,869 --> 00:26:23,247 - You're sitting on a new Khomeini? - Possibly. There are a lot of words. 561 00:26:23,373 --> 00:26:25,416 Kansas City. Kitty. 562 00:26:25,542 --> 00:26:27,209 - Itty. - "Itty?" 563 00:26:27,335 --> 00:26:28,627 "Itty" is not a word, Bob. 564 00:26:28,753 --> 00:26:31,380 - Commissary. - Thank you, James... 565 00:26:31,506 --> 00:26:33,799 Why don't you just recap for me, at the moment, 566 00:26:33,925 --> 00:26:36,260 all the committees that you're currently sitting on? 567 00:26:36,386 --> 00:26:40,431 I'm sorry, Karen, but you... you appear to be bleeding from the teeth. 568 00:26:41,433 --> 00:26:43,267 Let me see that. Holy Mother of... 569 00:26:43,393 --> 00:26:45,894 Well, don't try to change the subject. 570 00:26:46,021 --> 00:26:48,814 I'm sorry, everyone. I'm sorry. Just ignore the blood. 571 00:26:48,940 --> 00:26:52,192 - We haven't finished the meeting. - I can't ignore... I'm sorry. 572 00:26:52,319 --> 00:26:54,695 I don't mean to be rude, but this is a tad repulsive. 573 00:26:54,821 --> 00:26:58,282 I'm sorry. Excuse me. Liza, come with me, I need you. 574 00:26:58,408 --> 00:26:59,450 Chad, stay here. 575 00:26:59,576 --> 00:27:02,286 Go, Buffy, you belong to the vampire queen now. 576 00:27:02,412 --> 00:27:04,288 - Liza. - I'm coming. 577 00:27:04,414 --> 00:27:07,291 Oh, my God. Shit! He's in there alone. 578 00:27:07,417 --> 00:27:09,835 I cannot stand to see a woman bleed from the mouth. 579 00:27:09,961 --> 00:27:14,214 It reminds me of country and western music, which I cannot abide. Huh? 580 00:27:14,341 --> 00:27:17,217 That stuff is just choking the airwaves. 581 00:27:17,344 --> 00:27:19,678 - Look, sorry, we just need... - Oh, my God! 582 00:27:19,804 --> 00:27:23,015 - It's really bad. It's really bad. - I can't touch anything... 583 00:27:23,141 --> 00:27:25,809 - Nobody was joking. - It's... I need to catch it. 584 00:27:25,935 --> 00:27:27,895 How far are you with the committees? 585 00:27:28,021 --> 00:27:29,730 I've got it down to two, actually. 586 00:27:29,856 --> 00:27:32,650 One is the "Aims and Policy Alignment Committee". 587 00:27:32,776 --> 00:27:34,943 The other is the "Future Planning Committee". 588 00:27:35,070 --> 00:27:37,488 It's not the first one, because I set that up. 589 00:27:37,614 --> 00:27:40,949 Does it really sound dull to you? I thought it was a good name. 590 00:27:41,076 --> 00:27:44,119 Right, no... it is a good name. 591 00:27:44,245 --> 00:27:47,748 Well, find out if it really is the... "Future Planning Committee". 592 00:27:47,874 --> 00:27:50,000 Find out if it really is that. 593 00:27:50,126 --> 00:27:53,837 Um...OK, well, I might go and do that. 594 00:27:53,963 --> 00:27:56,757 You're not going to shout at me if I go and do that, are you? 595 00:27:56,883 --> 00:27:58,842 I'm not a monster, Liza. OK? 596 00:27:58,968 --> 00:28:02,179 Will you stop implying that I'm some kind of monster? 597 00:28:04,516 --> 00:28:06,350 Bob! 598 00:28:06,476 --> 00:28:08,352 - Oh, hey. - Hey. 599 00:28:08,478 --> 00:28:12,356 I wanted to tell you we're having this stupid 600 00:28:12,482 --> 00:28:15,901 "hunk of the month of the office" kind of contest. 601 00:28:16,027 --> 00:28:19,947 And I just didn't want, you know, you to feel objectified in any way, 602 00:28:20,073 --> 00:28:22,324 - or anything like that. - No, not at all. 603 00:28:22,450 --> 00:28:25,244 And Karen knows about the Future Planning Committee. 604 00:28:27,414 --> 00:28:29,540 I have no idea what you're talking about. 605 00:28:29,666 --> 00:28:31,750 - No? - No. 606 00:28:31,876 --> 00:28:33,711 Excuse me. 607 00:28:36,756 --> 00:28:39,717 Future Planning Committee, that's what it is. 608 00:28:45,765 --> 00:28:47,725 Wow! 609 00:28:47,851 --> 00:28:49,768 This is fucking cool. 610 00:28:49,894 --> 00:28:52,813 Don't be callow, Toby, we're on official business. 611 00:28:52,939 --> 00:28:55,482 - This way, gentlemen. - Oh, thanks. 612 00:28:58,111 --> 00:29:00,571 That was a little bit fucking cool. 613 00:29:00,697 --> 00:29:02,072 Yep. 614 00:29:02,198 --> 00:29:04,783 - Did you book a car? - Me? No. 615 00:29:04,909 --> 00:29:07,619 Well, Judy will have booked a car. 616 00:29:07,746 --> 00:29:08,996 Judy? 617 00:29:09,122 --> 00:29:11,415 - Hi. - For fuck's sake! 618 00:29:11,541 --> 00:29:13,417 I was wondering what the car situation is? 619 00:29:13,543 --> 00:29:16,545 It's Robbie's job to book it and your job to check it. 620 00:29:16,671 --> 00:29:20,257 There's obviously... some snarl-up at her end, I think. 621 00:29:20,383 --> 00:29:22,426 - "Simon Forester." - Oh. 622 00:29:23,803 --> 00:29:25,345 Thank you very much. 623 00:29:25,472 --> 00:29:28,390 "England Government, Simon Forester." 624 00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:30,809 My name's Simon Foster, it's British Government. 625 00:29:30,935 --> 00:29:32,978 626 00:29:34,814 --> 00:29:37,608 Hey, Gav, I'm in a fucking motorcade. 627 00:29:37,734 --> 00:29:39,151 Yeah. 628 00:29:39,986 --> 00:29:42,780 I feel like we should have hookers, do you know what I mean? 629 00:29:42,906 --> 00:29:44,948 I mean in here... now. 630 00:29:52,624 --> 00:29:56,835 - Do you want girls? - No, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. 631 00:29:56,961 --> 00:29:59,838 No, sorry. No hookers, it was just a joke. 632 00:30:01,174 --> 00:30:05,177 I hate hookers. Not in an aggressive way, but, no, thank you. 633 00:30:06,805 --> 00:30:08,639 Strange hotel. 634 00:30:08,765 --> 00:30:12,226 - It's like a hangar for businessmen, isn't it? 635 00:30:13,228 --> 00:30:15,103 - That's better, isn't it? - It's big, yeah. 636 00:30:15,230 --> 00:30:17,272 Just bring them here, that's fine. 637 00:30:20,401 --> 00:30:23,070 Tobes, have you got any m... 638 00:30:24,155 --> 00:30:27,616 Well, I haven't been to an ATM, so I've not... I've only got English. 639 00:30:27,742 --> 00:30:29,910 I mean, I don't suppose English money is... 640 00:30:30,036 --> 00:30:31,995 This and this, sorry that's... 641 00:30:32,121 --> 00:30:34,164 It's usually a dollar a bag. 642 00:30:38,169 --> 00:30:40,045 Ooh, well, there's the Capitol, 643 00:30:40,171 --> 00:30:42,673 you can see there through that window and that tree. 644 00:30:42,799 --> 00:30:46,385 Technically, you've got a Capitol Hill view. 645 00:30:47,804 --> 00:30:49,805 646 00:30:55,562 --> 00:30:56,520 Hi. 647 00:30:56,646 --> 00:30:58,689 Excuse me. 648 00:30:58,815 --> 00:31:00,315 Hello. How are you doing? 649 00:31:00,441 --> 00:31:02,860 Was it something I said? I haven't seen you in a month. 650 00:31:02,986 --> 00:31:05,237 I haven't felt that in years. Thank you. 651 00:31:05,363 --> 00:31:06,530 You're beautiful. 652 00:31:06,656 --> 00:31:09,658 Oh, thank you. I'm sure you say that to all the girls. 653 00:31:09,784 --> 00:31:13,078 Yes, I do... and some of the soldiers, too. 654 00:31:13,204 --> 00:31:15,873 That's why you shouldn't run for office, bimbo eruptions. 655 00:31:15,999 --> 00:31:18,750 Come on, don't believe that shit. I'm not gonna run for office. 656 00:31:18,877 --> 00:31:21,253 I'm just trying to do something different. 657 00:31:21,379 --> 00:31:23,088 It's one of the reasons I like you. 658 00:31:23,214 --> 00:31:25,716 I know your passion about education and housing and... 659 00:31:25,842 --> 00:31:28,385 - Lingerie. Bestiality. - There you go. 660 00:31:28,511 --> 00:31:30,721 I'd forgotten about that. 661 00:31:30,847 --> 00:31:33,098 Are you still allergic to the dog? 662 00:31:33,224 --> 00:31:36,518 Yes, yes, I wake up and my eyes are closed and my head is swollen 663 00:31:36,644 --> 00:31:38,478 and I look like a giant ball sac. 664 00:31:38,605 --> 00:31:40,272 Oh, my God. You know, 665 00:31:40,398 --> 00:31:43,400 they do have modern medication for that sort of thing. 666 00:31:43,526 --> 00:31:45,736 - Beautiful ball sac, though. - Thank you very much. 667 00:31:45,862 --> 00:31:48,113 - How's the Pentagon? - It's kicked up a little. 668 00:31:48,239 --> 00:31:50,741 They're talking invasion reasonably seriously. 669 00:31:50,867 --> 00:31:53,076 Is there somewhere we can talk about this? 670 00:31:53,202 --> 00:31:55,120 - I don't know. - There must be. 671 00:31:55,246 --> 00:31:57,539 - I don't live here. - Follow me. 672 00:31:57,665 --> 00:32:00,584 - Go that way. - Don't let people know we're leaving. 673 00:32:00,710 --> 00:32:03,754 This is good. Her daughter's not home, I talked to her. 674 00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:05,756 - In here? - Yeah. 675 00:32:05,882 --> 00:32:09,760 Although, I don't know what we'll say if somebody comes in right now. 676 00:32:09,886 --> 00:32:12,262 No, I can't think of a good possible excuse, no. 677 00:32:12,388 --> 00:32:14,014 No, me neither, me neither. 678 00:32:14,140 --> 00:32:15,807 - What? - Come here. 679 00:32:15,934 --> 00:32:17,935 Just be careful, don't mess stuff up. 680 00:32:18,061 --> 00:32:21,521 - Oh, come on, it's toys. - Let's sit down. 681 00:32:21,648 --> 00:32:23,690 - So... - Yeah. 682 00:32:24,692 --> 00:32:26,443 Not enough troops. 683 00:32:26,569 --> 00:32:28,779 Total minimum European Theatre requirement. 684 00:32:28,905 --> 00:32:30,822 The Far East, Asia. 685 00:32:30,949 --> 00:32:33,450 - OK. That's how many we have? - Total there, yes. 686 00:32:33,576 --> 00:32:35,953 And then we have the contingency already deployed. 687 00:32:36,079 --> 00:32:38,038 OK, I don't... You've lost me. 688 00:32:38,164 --> 00:32:40,332 Hold on a minute... 689 00:32:40,458 --> 00:32:42,376 Oh, fuck this. 690 00:32:42,502 --> 00:32:44,127 What? 691 00:32:51,344 --> 00:32:52,970 # La la la, la la la la, la la la. 692 00:32:53,096 --> 00:32:54,179 Good. 693 00:32:54,305 --> 00:32:56,974 Your military hardware is impressive, General. 694 00:32:57,100 --> 00:32:59,142 Yeah, well, not any more, it isn't. 695 00:32:59,268 --> 00:33:02,020 - So, you add these together. 696 00:33:04,524 --> 00:33:08,819 So this is the number of combat troops available for an invasion, 697 00:33:08,945 --> 00:33:10,570 according to these figures. 698 00:33:11,739 --> 00:33:13,073 12! 699 00:33:13,199 --> 00:33:14,866 Thousand? 700 00:33:14,993 --> 00:33:16,868 No, 12. 12 troops. 701 00:33:16,995 --> 00:33:18,578 Oh, come on, you're shitting me? 702 00:33:18,705 --> 00:33:22,207 I am shitting you. 12,000 troops, 12,000 troops, 703 00:33:22,333 --> 00:33:26,253 but that's not enough... that's the amount that are going to die. 704 00:33:26,379 --> 00:33:29,089 And at the end of a war you need some soldiers left, really, 705 00:33:29,215 --> 00:33:31,008 or else it looks like you've lost. 706 00:33:32,176 --> 00:33:34,177 Bye, for now. 707 00:33:34,303 --> 00:33:37,097 You know what? I've got some Brits I have to meet tomorrow. 708 00:33:37,223 --> 00:33:38,849 A guy named Simon Foster. 709 00:33:38,975 --> 00:33:40,684 Who's Simon Foster? 710 00:33:40,810 --> 00:33:44,271 He's this guy that said publicly that war was unforeseeable. 711 00:33:44,397 --> 00:33:47,232 And I think he could be very useful on the war committee. 712 00:33:47,358 --> 00:33:50,027 He can internationalise the dissent, start to. 713 00:33:50,153 --> 00:33:53,196 You're going to use him as a little meat puppet? 714 00:34:07,086 --> 00:34:09,046 Tobes... hi. 715 00:34:09,172 --> 00:34:11,048 Hi. 716 00:34:11,174 --> 00:34:14,009 What are we gonna...do tonight? 717 00:34:15,053 --> 00:34:16,887 Gonna do tonight? 718 00:34:17,013 --> 00:34:20,891 Yes, what are we up to, my... my chief aide...? 719 00:34:21,017 --> 00:34:23,727 Well...yeah, I mean, I sort of thought tonight 720 00:34:23,853 --> 00:34:26,730 we'd probably be just a bit tired, really. 721 00:34:26,856 --> 00:34:31,485 No, I am tired. But I'm also a career politician, Toby, 722 00:34:31,611 --> 00:34:35,238 in the political powerhouse of the world for 48 hours, 723 00:34:35,364 --> 00:34:39,659 and I thought it might be nice to go out rather than just sitting in my room 724 00:34:39,786 --> 00:34:42,329 trying to spank one out over a shark documentary, 725 00:34:42,455 --> 00:34:44,122 because I'm scared if I watch a porno 726 00:34:44,248 --> 00:34:47,626 it'll end up in the register of members' interests. So... 727 00:34:49,087 --> 00:34:50,921 What have you got...for us to do? 728 00:34:51,047 --> 00:34:53,882 Right, what have I got? Well, so far we've got... 729 00:34:55,259 --> 00:34:56,927 Well, there's a leaflet through the door 730 00:34:57,053 --> 00:35:00,472 for happy hour at the bar which might be interesting. 731 00:35:01,474 --> 00:35:03,725 Also I do have the number of a guy 732 00:35:03,851 --> 00:35:07,604 I was at uni with who works for CNN out here. 733 00:35:07,730 --> 00:35:09,773 - No. - No? 734 00:35:12,276 --> 00:35:14,778 - Where are you? - I'm waving at you. 735 00:35:14,904 --> 00:35:16,571 I don't see you, be more visible. 736 00:35:16,697 --> 00:35:20,450 I'm, like, practically on top of you, I'm coming to you, is what I'm going to do. 737 00:35:20,576 --> 00:35:22,786 You can stop talking on your cellphone now. 738 00:35:22,912 --> 00:35:24,621 Of course I can. 739 00:35:24,747 --> 00:35:27,374 Look, I have to leave. Phone Simon Foster's guy. 740 00:35:27,500 --> 00:35:29,501 Tell them, come to the war committee. 741 00:35:29,627 --> 00:35:32,295 I'll give them some face time tomorrow around ten o'clock. 742 00:35:32,421 --> 00:35:35,590 It'll be coffee and Danish. Tea. They'll want tea. 743 00:35:35,716 --> 00:35:38,468 Tea and sympathy, tea and a hand job, whatever. 744 00:35:39,846 --> 00:35:43,181 ..great deal that is unknown about hammerhead sharks, 745 00:35:43,307 --> 00:35:44,641 such as their mating habits. 746 00:35:44,767 --> 00:35:47,144 You can definitely spot the female ones. 747 00:35:48,187 --> 00:35:49,396 Hello. 748 00:35:49,522 --> 00:35:52,691 Hi, Toby, what are you doing tonight? 749 00:35:52,817 --> 00:35:55,694 Well, no, it's unbelievably hectic. Actually we're... 750 00:35:55,820 --> 00:35:57,821 Their courtship is a violent affair. 751 00:35:57,947 --> 00:36:01,366 The male will bite the female until she acquiesces. 752 00:36:01,492 --> 00:36:04,369 The war committee, that's a big thing, Liza. 753 00:36:04,495 --> 00:36:07,581 Yeah, well, I have been on committees before, 754 00:36:07,707 --> 00:36:11,376 the Challenges For The Cheese Market, that was one of the big ones. 755 00:36:11,502 --> 00:36:14,004 Yeah, God, yeah. Love a drink. 756 00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:16,423 40 minutes is perfect, yeah, yeah. 757 00:36:16,549 --> 00:36:19,009 Bye-bye. Bye. Bye. Bye, bye. 758 00:36:21,387 --> 00:36:23,388 - Matty, how's CNN? - Great. 759 00:36:23,514 --> 00:36:25,223 I can't, mate, no. 760 00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:29,019 Liza Weld has got us onto the Future Planning Committee in the morning. 761 00:36:29,145 --> 00:36:31,646 The "war committee" to the likes of you and me. 762 00:36:31,772 --> 00:36:33,440 What are you talking about? 763 00:36:33,566 --> 00:36:36,902 The Future Planning Committee is Linton's war committee. 764 00:36:37,028 --> 00:36:40,405 Do you not work for CNN or is it the Cartoon News Network? 765 00:36:40,531 --> 00:36:42,449 766 00:36:42,575 --> 00:36:44,618 767 00:36:46,412 --> 00:36:48,914 Come in. I just wasn't expecting to see you here. 768 00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:51,583 Physically here. Obviously you're always in my heart. 769 00:36:51,709 --> 00:36:54,794 I'm here, I'm there, I'm fucking everywhere, I'm the egg man. 770 00:36:54,921 --> 00:36:57,255 Have you come to insult me in a different time zone? 771 00:36:57,381 --> 00:37:01,092 Yeah. No, sorry, I'm just off out for a drink with her just now. 772 00:37:01,219 --> 00:37:04,262 No. You're barking up the wrong cock there, my friend. 773 00:37:04,388 --> 00:37:07,140 Little Toby is staying very much in his hammock this evening. 774 00:37:07,266 --> 00:37:09,267 - Simon, I've got us on the... - Hiya. 775 00:37:09,393 --> 00:37:11,436 Jesus Christ, fucking hell, Malcolm. 776 00:37:11,562 --> 00:37:14,064 You're supposed to shit yourself in there, not out here. 777 00:37:14,190 --> 00:37:18,610 I've got us on Linton's Future Planning Committee for tomorrow morning. 778 00:37:18,736 --> 00:37:21,029 Brilliant. What is that? 779 00:37:21,155 --> 00:37:23,031 It's the war committee. 780 00:37:23,157 --> 00:37:25,951 What? The actual war... the actual war committee? 781 00:37:26,077 --> 00:37:29,621 - Who's going to be there? - Karen Clark, Liza Weld, 782 00:37:29,747 --> 00:37:31,623 me and Simon... 783 00:37:31,749 --> 00:37:33,625 Simon and me. 784 00:37:33,751 --> 00:37:36,461 How about the rest of the committee, who are they going to be? 785 00:37:36,587 --> 00:37:38,964 Jimmy Osmond, Gwyneth Paltrow? It's a diversion. 786 00:37:39,090 --> 00:37:41,758 The real committee, that's happening at the White House. 787 00:37:41,884 --> 00:37:44,302 I'll text you the details, because I'm going to go out 788 00:37:44,428 --> 00:37:46,972 for a drink with some State Department bods just now. 789 00:37:47,098 --> 00:37:50,183 Don't mention this to the press, OK? Don't mention it to anyone. 790 00:37:50,309 --> 00:37:53,144 If the press get a whiff that there's a war committee 791 00:37:53,271 --> 00:37:55,480 even a cardboard one, every fucker in this town 792 00:37:55,606 --> 00:37:57,482 is gonna turn up and try and get on it. 793 00:37:57,608 --> 00:38:00,485 So no matter what gay bar you end up in, keep it shtoom. 794 00:38:02,655 --> 00:38:04,489 I was watching that. 795 00:38:04,615 --> 00:38:06,866 Yeah, well, I have to have a word with you. 796 00:38:06,993 --> 00:38:09,327 You might want to slip into your negligee. 797 00:38:10,329 --> 00:38:12,330 798 00:38:15,668 --> 00:38:17,836 - You see this mosh pit? - Yeah. 799 00:38:17,962 --> 00:38:21,506 Well, they're mostly house staffers, senators' interns. 800 00:38:21,632 --> 00:38:24,968 Tonight they rage hard, but tomorrow they go back to the Hill 801 00:38:25,094 --> 00:38:28,179 and argue noise-reduction legislation. 802 00:38:30,516 --> 00:38:33,393 - Is this yours or mine? - I don't know, I've got three. 803 00:38:33,519 --> 00:38:35,520 So one of these has got to be yours. 804 00:38:35,646 --> 00:38:38,898 Those are like fluids that I've never... would you call wax a fluid? 805 00:38:39,025 --> 00:38:41,026 No, it's not a fluid, it's more of a... 806 00:38:41,152 --> 00:38:43,987 - It's very intimate. - It's an ooze... it's an ooze. 807 00:38:44,113 --> 00:38:46,156 Ooo...eugh! 808 00:38:51,996 --> 00:38:54,748 Karen will want you to say "War is unforeseeable." 809 00:38:54,874 --> 00:38:58,710 And Linton will want you to talk up the "climbing the mountain of conflict" line. 810 00:38:58,836 --> 00:39:00,754 You say nothing, OK? 811 00:39:00,880 --> 00:39:04,591 You stay detached, otherwise that's what I will do to your retinas. 812 00:39:04,717 --> 00:39:06,634 Right. Can I go to bed now, please? 813 00:39:06,761 --> 00:39:08,803 No, no, no, no. We're going to stay here 814 00:39:08,929 --> 00:39:11,431 and you are going to rehearse saying nothing. 815 00:39:12,433 --> 00:39:14,392 Am I being tortured? 816 00:39:15,728 --> 00:39:17,437 You look worried. 817 00:39:17,563 --> 00:39:20,815 It's the paper that I wrote for Karen. 818 00:39:20,941 --> 00:39:23,943 It's called PWIP PIP, it's about war. 819 00:39:24,070 --> 00:39:27,280 The pros and cons, and I came up with too many cons. 820 00:39:27,406 --> 00:39:29,991 I'm, like, fucking worried because... 821 00:39:30,117 --> 00:39:33,411 this is, like, my career on the line. 822 00:39:34,413 --> 00:39:37,791 I thought you were worried, because you were looking worried. 823 00:39:37,917 --> 00:39:42,003 But you know, don't... I mean, don't... don't worry. 824 00:39:44,006 --> 00:39:45,882 - Thank you. - OK. 825 00:39:46,008 --> 00:39:48,051 - Sure. - Thank you. 826 00:39:49,595 --> 00:39:51,596 God damn it! 827 00:39:53,265 --> 00:39:56,309 - Are you OK? - Yeah, I'm just taking off my shoes. 828 00:39:56,435 --> 00:39:58,395 Why is that? Is it a mosque? 829 00:39:58,521 --> 00:40:00,438 It's just, like... 830 00:40:00,564 --> 00:40:02,440 Is it... Is it a bouncy castle? 831 00:40:02,566 --> 00:40:04,609 832 00:40:08,948 --> 00:40:10,782 833 00:40:10,908 --> 00:40:13,076 Can I just say, what happens in Washington, 834 00:40:13,202 --> 00:40:15,245 stays in Washington, yeah? 835 00:40:16,247 --> 00:40:20,667 Well, I live in Washington, so that doesn't, like, really work for me. 836 00:40:21,419 --> 00:40:22,794 Yeah? 837 00:40:38,894 --> 00:40:41,813 A number for a cab company in Washington DC, please. 838 00:40:43,315 --> 00:40:46,651 Just straight through, straight through. Hi, I need a cab. 839 00:40:47,820 --> 00:40:53,450 Well, I don't know. I'm outside number 1427, moving on... 840 00:40:53,576 --> 00:40:56,161 I don't know, it's a nice street, it's quite leafy, 841 00:40:56,287 --> 00:40:58,329 federal houses. 842 00:41:04,128 --> 00:41:05,753 Marcel's is nice. 843 00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:07,547 I like their wraps. 844 00:41:07,673 --> 00:41:11,134 And you should go to La Taverna, the Greek place, that's fantastic. 845 00:41:11,260 --> 00:41:13,386 They do that thing where they set fire to the cheese. 846 00:41:13,512 --> 00:41:15,263 What's that called? It's a lot of fun. 847 00:41:15,389 --> 00:41:17,682 Yes, it sounds fun. 848 00:41:21,103 --> 00:41:25,773 And, well, there's the Aerospace Museum and the National Gallery. 849 00:41:25,900 --> 00:41:27,942 Do they set fire to the pictures? 850 00:41:29,528 --> 00:41:31,529 Yeah. 851 00:41:33,741 --> 00:41:39,537 Hi, sorry I'm so late for the meeting. One or two issues getting here, but... 852 00:41:39,663 --> 00:41:41,706 - I'm Karen. - Hi. Toby. 853 00:41:41,832 --> 00:41:43,374 Pull an all-nighter? 854 00:41:45,252 --> 00:41:49,088 - Well, I... I was led astray. - Oh. By who? 855 00:41:50,299 --> 00:41:54,594 I... I just ran into some people from the MoD and... 856 00:41:54,720 --> 00:41:56,554 Not Penny Grayling? 857 00:41:56,680 --> 00:41:58,389 No. 858 00:41:58,516 --> 00:42:01,392 Another...gang. 859 00:42:01,519 --> 00:42:04,395 Wow, I didn't realise we had so many delegations in town. 860 00:42:04,522 --> 00:42:07,357 No, well..."The British are coming!" 861 00:42:13,239 --> 00:42:14,906 So... 862 00:42:15,032 --> 00:42:18,618 Yeah, you know what? I have a lot of things to check on just now. 863 00:42:18,744 --> 00:42:22,247 So this would probably be a good place to break things up. 864 00:42:22,373 --> 00:42:23,581 No problem. 865 00:42:23,707 --> 00:42:24,832 Brilliant. 866 00:42:24,959 --> 00:42:26,584 Bye. 867 00:42:29,755 --> 00:42:31,923 I've brought your bag for you. 868 00:42:32,758 --> 00:42:34,133 Cheers, man. 869 00:42:34,260 --> 00:42:37,262 Tobes, I don't want to have to read you the riot act here, 870 00:42:37,388 --> 00:42:40,932 but I am going to have to read you some extracts from the riot act. 871 00:42:41,058 --> 00:42:46,020 Like section one, don't leave your boss twisting in the wind, 872 00:42:46,146 --> 00:42:50,942 and then burst in late smelling like a pissed seaside donkey. 873 00:42:51,944 --> 00:42:54,487 "The British are coming." 874 00:42:54,613 --> 00:42:57,282 All right, I was late for the meeting. I am sorry, 875 00:42:57,408 --> 00:42:59,993 but it's not like I threw up in there, is it? 876 00:43:00,119 --> 00:43:02,161 No, you're right, I'm being unfair. 877 00:43:02,788 --> 00:43:05,790 I should be thanking you for not throwing up. 878 00:43:05,916 --> 00:43:09,502 Well done, you're a star. You didn't wet yourself, did you? 879 00:43:09,628 --> 00:43:13,381 You're in the right city. You didn't say anything overtly racist. 880 00:43:13,507 --> 00:43:16,301 You didn't pull your dick out and start plucking it 881 00:43:16,427 --> 00:43:18,845 and shouting, "Willy banjo." 882 00:43:18,971 --> 00:43:21,180 No, I'm being really unfair. 883 00:43:21,307 --> 00:43:25,310 You'd got so much right without actually being there 884 00:43:25,436 --> 00:43:29,147 for the beginning of one of the most important moments of my career. 885 00:43:30,149 --> 00:43:33,026 Thanks, you're a legend. 886 00:43:39,491 --> 00:43:43,244 That was just the beginning, do you think? Are we going back in there? 887 00:43:43,370 --> 00:43:44,996 I don't know, we barely said hello. 888 00:43:45,122 --> 00:43:46,914 I've had muggings that lasted longer. 889 00:43:47,041 --> 00:43:49,334 All we talked about was flammable cheese. 890 00:43:49,460 --> 00:43:53,671 - What if our meeting has finished? What if Karen comes back, 891 00:43:53,797 --> 00:43:55,715 and then we're still sitting here? 892 00:43:55,841 --> 00:43:59,844 It's going to be embarrassing, isn't it? We're going to look like groupies. 893 00:43:59,970 --> 00:44:01,638 What if the meeting hasn't finished? 894 00:44:01,764 --> 00:44:03,681 And she comes back and we've disappeared? 895 00:44:03,807 --> 00:44:05,642 Maybe I could call Judy? She could... 896 00:44:05,768 --> 00:44:09,354 Please can we try and just do one thing without Judy? 897 00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:10,355 Fine. 898 00:44:10,481 --> 00:44:17,528 I think we've drawn long enough from that...teat. 899 00:44:19,615 --> 00:44:23,576 Surprisingly enough, a lot of the marble in the building is not imported. 900 00:44:23,702 --> 00:44:25,703 - Really? - It's really interesting... 901 00:44:25,829 --> 00:44:28,581 - If you study the stonework... - Not at the moment. 902 00:44:28,707 --> 00:44:30,667 So, you made it in OK, right? 903 00:44:30,793 --> 00:44:33,294 Yeah, hunky-dory, thanks. Can I get a coffee? 904 00:44:33,420 --> 00:44:35,171 Sure, sure. 905 00:44:35,297 --> 00:44:39,342 If we just get started, my assistant should be bringing in coffee shortly. 906 00:44:40,386 --> 00:44:42,261 Your assistant? 907 00:44:42,388 --> 00:44:44,889 Yeah. So, item. 908 00:44:45,015 --> 00:44:48,393 We need to have a conversation about the mood of the British Parliament, 909 00:44:48,519 --> 00:44:50,978 the bumps in the road ahead and what not. 910 00:44:51,105 --> 00:44:55,733 I'm sorry, I don't... This situation here is... is this it? 911 00:44:55,859 --> 00:44:58,152 No offence, son, but you look like you should still be 912 00:44:58,278 --> 00:45:00,530 at school with your head down a fucking toilet. 913 00:45:00,656 --> 00:45:04,409 Your first point there, the offence? I'm afraid I'm going to have to take it. 914 00:45:04,535 --> 00:45:08,287 Your second point, I'm 22, but item, it's my birthday in nine days, so... 915 00:45:08,414 --> 00:45:11,207 if it will make you feel more comfortable, we could wait. 916 00:45:11,333 --> 00:45:13,251 Don't get sarcastic with me, son. 917 00:45:13,377 --> 00:45:16,379 We burned this tight-arsed city to the ground in 1814. 918 00:45:16,505 --> 00:45:20,633 And I'm all for doing it again, starting with you, you frat fuck. 919 00:45:20,759 --> 00:45:22,593 You get sarcastic with me again 920 00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:25,513 and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your fucking throat 921 00:45:25,639 --> 00:45:28,307 it'll come out your arse like the tail on a Playboy bunny. 922 00:45:28,434 --> 00:45:32,228 I was led to believe I was attending the war committee. 923 00:45:32,354 --> 00:45:35,732 Yes, Assistant Secretary of State Linton Barwick asked me to brief you 924 00:45:35,858 --> 00:45:38,276 on the work of the Future Planning Committee. 925 00:45:38,402 --> 00:45:40,319 I'm away. 926 00:45:40,446 --> 00:45:42,780 And here we are. The fucking Vice President 927 00:45:42,906 --> 00:45:44,949 has also graced us with his presence. 928 00:45:45,075 --> 00:45:47,118 Give him a bottle of milk. 929 00:45:47,244 --> 00:45:49,120 You didn't wake me up. 930 00:45:49,246 --> 00:45:52,415 The thought crossed my mind, but you just looked so sweet there. 931 00:45:52,541 --> 00:45:54,417 You know, with the jet lag and all. 932 00:45:54,543 --> 00:45:57,044 I don't know, I thought you knew what you were doing. 933 00:45:57,171 --> 00:46:00,131 Well, no. Obviously I didn't know what I was doing, I was asleep. 934 00:46:00,257 --> 00:46:03,176 That's how people walk through windows, that's how that happens. 935 00:46:03,302 --> 00:46:05,344 Hey, Liza? I've got another call 936 00:46:05,471 --> 00:46:08,598 for you about the committee from Senator Crudden's office. 937 00:46:08,724 --> 00:46:10,767 Crudden? What is going on? 938 00:46:10,893 --> 00:46:13,144 I mean, how did CNN know about the committee? 939 00:46:13,270 --> 00:46:17,064 Did Linton post, like, an invite on Facebook or something? 940 00:46:17,191 --> 00:46:20,818 Liza? Everyone is so hot for this paper, I just wanted to let you know. 941 00:46:20,944 --> 00:46:22,820 I'm about to run off another ten copies. 942 00:46:22,946 --> 00:46:25,865 - Just stop. - It's like a Harry Potter book, 943 00:46:25,991 --> 00:46:28,826 if Harry Potter made people really, really angry. 944 00:46:28,952 --> 00:46:31,579 You're in hot water, you're lobsterising. 945 00:46:31,705 --> 00:46:34,373 Do you smell lobster? Because I smell lobster. 946 00:46:34,500 --> 00:46:37,710 Strong...bisque wafting this way. 947 00:46:37,836 --> 00:46:39,796 How far would you go with Linton? 948 00:46:39,922 --> 00:46:41,839 You freaky little stalker. 949 00:46:41,965 --> 00:46:45,176 Downtown? Or all the way up Brokeback Mountain? 950 00:46:45,302 --> 00:46:47,845 Smells like bisque. Smells like bisque. 951 00:46:53,977 --> 00:46:55,686 952 00:46:55,813 --> 00:46:58,439 Where's the war committee? I thought I was going. 953 00:46:58,565 --> 00:47:01,526 Simon's going. I thought you were doing your one-to-one? 954 00:47:01,652 --> 00:47:03,194 Where the fuck is it happening? 955 00:47:03,320 --> 00:47:06,072 It's in the State Department on the seventh floor. 956 00:47:06,198 --> 00:47:08,032 - Malcolm? - What? 957 00:47:08,158 --> 00:47:11,828 Do you like how I'm telling you what's going on where you are? 958 00:47:11,954 --> 00:47:14,539 Let me tell you what's going on where you are, sweetheart. 959 00:47:14,665 --> 00:47:17,416 A certain vinegar-faced, manipulative cowbag is about 960 00:47:17,543 --> 00:47:19,377 to discover that she's out of a fucking... 961 00:47:19,503 --> 00:47:23,506 job. Fucking hung up, haven't you? You fucking hoity-toity fucking... 962 00:47:23,632 --> 00:47:26,050 Hey, buddy? Enough with the curse words, all right? 963 00:47:26,176 --> 00:47:29,011 Kiss my sweaty balls, you fat fuck. 964 00:47:31,682 --> 00:47:34,350 - There's the grenade. - I know, I'm looking at it. 965 00:47:34,476 --> 00:47:37,937 He's got "Climb the mountain of conflict" on his picture. 966 00:47:38,063 --> 00:47:40,106 He's picked up on that? 967 00:47:41,108 --> 00:47:43,234 I'm a bumper sticker. 968 00:47:43,360 --> 00:47:45,319 Shit, there's Karen Clark. 969 00:47:45,445 --> 00:47:47,238 Have a meeting, have a meeting. 970 00:47:51,076 --> 00:47:54,704 What about the dialectic, as it spreads across the different territories? 971 00:47:54,830 --> 00:47:56,873 - Interesting dialectic... - Oh, hi. 972 00:47:56,999 --> 00:47:59,375 Hi. I'll see you at the committee. 973 00:47:59,501 --> 00:48:01,669 We're just sorting out a bit of prep... 974 00:48:01,795 --> 00:48:04,088 Very good, that's great. 975 00:48:04,214 --> 00:48:07,383 - Liza. They're still here. - I know. I told them where it was. 976 00:48:07,509 --> 00:48:09,093 OK, let's go, let's go. Come on. 977 00:48:09,219 --> 00:48:12,263 Quick, we've got to keep up with them, now. Let's roll. 978 00:48:12,389 --> 00:48:15,391 No, you can't say "let's roll", they don't like it here. 979 00:48:15,517 --> 00:48:19,395 That's just who asked to be in on the committee, it's crazy. 980 00:48:19,521 --> 00:48:22,106 - Yeah. - Hello. 981 00:48:22,232 --> 00:48:25,276 Are you joining us or shall we see you there? 982 00:48:25,402 --> 00:48:27,194 Oh, I'm so sorry. No, see you there. 983 00:48:27,321 --> 00:48:30,114 I don't need to do any of the things 984 00:48:30,240 --> 00:48:33,117 that you need to go in there to do, so I'll just see you there. 985 00:48:33,243 --> 00:48:35,286 - Toby, do you need to use the...? - No, no, no. 986 00:48:35,412 --> 00:48:38,456 - I don't need the restroom. - All right, OK. 987 00:48:39,499 --> 00:48:41,417 Yeah, they're insane. 988 00:48:41,543 --> 00:48:43,461 Where is it? 989 00:48:43,587 --> 00:48:45,504 I don't know. We can wait here. 990 00:48:45,631 --> 00:48:49,133 Wait round here. When they come out, we'll follow them again. 991 00:48:57,142 --> 00:48:58,976 Plenty of room down the back. 992 00:48:59,102 --> 00:49:03,773 We seem to be overrun with insurgents, Bob, huh? 993 00:49:03,899 --> 00:49:06,442 - There must have been a leak. - Really, no kidding? 994 00:49:06,568 --> 00:49:10,571 - Unbelievable! - Is this the wrestling? Is that the ring? 995 00:49:10,697 --> 00:49:12,156 There's General Miller. 996 00:49:12,282 --> 00:49:16,661 I think it's best that we move, reconvene to a bigger, a larger venue. 997 00:49:16,787 --> 00:49:19,163 - If you follow my lead... - Take an agenda. 998 00:49:19,289 --> 00:49:21,832 Please take an agenda, we want to stick to that. 999 00:49:21,959 --> 00:49:26,003 - This is a cluster fuck. How did CNN know about this? 1000 00:49:26,129 --> 00:49:29,340 - Hold onto that one! - Could you get Miller to sign it? 1001 00:49:29,466 --> 00:49:32,551 If we could do this with a certain amount of energy. 1002 00:49:32,678 --> 00:49:34,595 Just this way, folks. 1003 00:49:34,721 --> 00:49:36,764 Moo! 1004 00:49:43,021 --> 00:49:45,189 Find a chair, wherever you're comfortable. 1005 00:49:45,315 --> 00:49:46,774 More this way. 1006 00:49:46,900 --> 00:49:49,402 Excellent. I'm room meat again. 1007 00:49:49,528 --> 00:49:53,406 This is a massive abattoir of room meat. 1008 00:49:54,658 --> 00:49:57,201 Just so you know, Karen and I did not appreciate 1009 00:49:57,327 --> 00:49:59,578 having to skulk around like Mulder and Scully 1010 00:49:59,705 --> 00:50:01,372 to find out about the committee. 1011 00:50:01,498 --> 00:50:04,709 Well, you're both here now, huh, John and Yoko? 1012 00:50:04,835 --> 00:50:06,460 We need to talk. 1013 00:50:06,586 --> 00:50:09,463 How about my office, 12:30 tomorrow, huh? 1014 00:50:09,589 --> 00:50:11,048 OK, off you go. 1015 00:50:11,174 --> 00:50:13,551 - What do you mean? - I've got this covered. 1016 00:50:13,677 --> 00:50:17,221 Go and find the next thing. Talk to that Chad boy, the boy from The Shining. 1017 00:50:17,347 --> 00:50:18,723 He knows things. 1018 00:50:18,849 --> 00:50:21,892 - Don't make me pump Chad. - No, I'm making you pump Chad. 1019 00:50:22,019 --> 00:50:24,478 Go on, it'll be easy-peasey lemon-squeezy. 1020 00:50:24,604 --> 00:50:29,316 No, it won't. It'll be difficult, difficult, lemon difficult, that is what it'll be. 1021 00:50:29,443 --> 00:50:31,736 Have a lovely afternoon. Stop a war for me. 1022 00:50:31,862 --> 00:50:35,823 So, welcome to the somewhat engorged 1023 00:50:35,949 --> 00:50:39,076 session of the Future Planning Committee. 1024 00:50:39,202 --> 00:50:41,912 Yes, Assistant Secretary, on point six, 1025 00:50:42,039 --> 00:50:45,750 it feels like there's already been an assumption that we're invading 1026 00:50:45,876 --> 00:50:50,713 and don't you think that we should discuss the practical implications? 1027 00:50:50,839 --> 00:50:53,632 I mean, this is, after all, the war committee. 1028 00:50:53,759 --> 00:50:56,260 This is the Future Planning Committee. 1029 00:50:56,386 --> 00:50:59,430 Well, unofficially, it is called the war committee. 1030 00:50:59,556 --> 00:51:03,059 Well, Karen, unofficially, we can call anything whatever we want. 1031 00:51:03,185 --> 00:51:07,938 I mean, unofficially, this is a shoe, but it's not, Karen, it is a glass of water. 1032 00:51:08,065 --> 00:51:11,275 And this is the Future Planning Committee. 1033 00:51:11,401 --> 00:51:14,278 Well, unofficially, this appears to be bullshit. 1034 00:51:16,281 --> 00:51:18,532 Hey. 1035 00:51:18,658 --> 00:51:20,951 - What's all this? - "Climb the mountain of conflict!" 1036 00:51:21,078 --> 00:51:23,788 We're just choosing a font for what looks appropriate. 1037 00:51:23,914 --> 00:51:25,748 What about that font the SS used? 1038 00:51:25,874 --> 00:51:27,917 Have you thought about using that one? 1039 00:51:28,043 --> 00:51:30,294 Er...well, that obviously has bad connotations. 1040 00:51:30,420 --> 00:51:32,296 Heavy metal? 1041 00:51:32,422 --> 00:51:34,298 - No, the SS. - Oh, right. 1042 00:51:37,969 --> 00:51:44,141 Has a decision already been made, in principle, to advocate invasion? 1043 00:51:44,267 --> 00:51:46,519 I would refer you to the recent comments 1044 00:51:46,645 --> 00:51:51,565 of our colleague from the UK, Mr Simon Foster, in that regard. 1045 00:51:51,691 --> 00:51:56,320 Yes, I think that Mr Foster would have something to say to that. 1046 00:51:56,947 --> 00:51:59,740 I'm... I'm certainly hearing both sides. 1047 00:52:01,159 --> 00:52:05,830 In England we have a saying for a situation such as this, 1048 00:52:06,873 --> 00:52:10,501 which is that it's difficult, difficult... 1049 00:52:12,003 --> 00:52:14,004 .. lemon difficult. 1050 00:52:16,967 --> 00:52:21,137 You betcha. Huh? I do think a consensus is forming. 1051 00:52:21,263 --> 00:52:24,807 No, No, it's not, and you have no basis for saying that. 1052 00:52:24,933 --> 00:52:26,642 Karen, calm down. 1053 00:52:26,768 --> 00:52:29,728 Because we don't want you to have another haemorrhage. 1054 00:52:33,525 --> 00:52:35,526 Linton! Linton! 1055 00:52:36,528 --> 00:52:39,405 Mr Tucker, isn't it? Nice to see you again. 1056 00:52:39,531 --> 00:52:41,574 Are you fucking me about? 1057 00:52:43,869 --> 00:52:45,744 Is there a problem, Mr Tucker? 1058 00:52:45,871 --> 00:52:49,081 I've just come from a briefing with a nine-year-old child. 1059 00:52:49,207 --> 00:52:51,959 You're talking about AJ. AJ is one of our top guys. 1060 00:52:52,085 --> 00:52:54,962 He's a Stanton College Prep, Harvard. 1061 00:52:55,088 --> 00:52:56,797 One of the brightest and best. 1062 00:52:56,923 --> 00:52:59,884 Well, his briefing notes were written in alphabetti spaghetti. 1063 00:53:00,010 --> 00:53:02,970 When I left, I nearly tripped up over his fucking umbilical cord. 1064 00:53:03,096 --> 00:53:05,181 I'm sorry it troubles you that our people 1065 00:53:05,307 --> 00:53:07,558 achieve excellence at such an early age. 1066 00:53:07,684 --> 00:53:10,853 But could we just move on to what's important here? 1067 00:53:10,979 --> 00:53:14,231 Now, I understand that your Prime Minister has asked you 1068 00:53:14,357 --> 00:53:20,237 to supply us with some, say, fresh British intelligence, is that true? 1069 00:53:20,363 --> 00:53:23,741 Yeah, apparently, your fucking master race of highly-gifted toddlers 1070 00:53:23,867 --> 00:53:26,202 - can't quite get the job done... - All right. 1071 00:53:26,328 --> 00:53:29,038 ..between breast feeds and playing with their Power Rangers. 1072 00:53:29,164 --> 00:53:31,999 So, an actual grown-up has been asked to fucking bail you out. 1073 00:53:32,125 --> 00:53:35,836 Ah, Minister. Thank you so much for your support, we appreciate it. 1074 00:53:35,962 --> 00:53:39,256 And what did you say, that "Climb the mountain of conflict"? 1075 00:53:39,382 --> 00:53:43,135 - Right, that's terrific. - It's quite complicated in terms of my... 1076 00:53:43,261 --> 00:53:46,430 It's early days, my friend. All roads lead to Munich. 1077 00:53:46,556 --> 00:53:49,266 "All roads lead to Munich"? What the fuck does that mean? 1078 00:53:49,392 --> 00:53:52,603 I think it just means... Actually, I don't know what it means. 1079 00:53:54,397 --> 00:53:57,274 - You see that? Pull that out, America deflates. 1080 00:53:57,400 --> 00:54:01,153 Yeah, very easy to mock. The closest you'll come to getting one of those 1081 00:54:01,279 --> 00:54:03,239 is buying a fucking Toblerone. 1082 00:54:03,365 --> 00:54:05,950 I'll meet you in the car. Come on, back to London. 1083 00:54:06,076 --> 00:54:07,993 So, what are we going back to 1084 00:54:08,119 --> 00:54:10,955 apart from a nice cup of tea and some knife crime? 1085 00:54:11,081 --> 00:54:13,958 Constituency surgery in Northampton. 1086 00:54:14,084 --> 00:54:16,085 Oh, great. 1087 00:54:16,211 --> 00:54:18,128 Meeting my constituents. 1088 00:54:18,255 --> 00:54:22,216 It's like being Simon Cowell but without the ability to say, 1089 00:54:22,342 --> 00:54:24,718 "Fuck off you're mental." 1090 00:54:33,645 --> 00:54:35,521 It's stuck. 1091 00:54:35,647 --> 00:54:37,940 Simon, do you mind? 1092 00:54:38,066 --> 00:54:41,652 If you just kick it at the bottom really hard, that should do it. 1093 00:54:43,571 --> 00:54:46,573 I'm just going to go and deal with that guttering. 1094 00:54:46,700 --> 00:54:48,742 We've just come back from America, Roz. 1095 00:54:48,868 --> 00:54:51,996 Right. How was the President? 1096 00:54:52,122 --> 00:54:53,539 Good, actually. Yeah. 1097 00:54:54,582 --> 00:54:55,916 Good. 1098 00:54:58,128 --> 00:55:02,006 Oh, dear, how the mighty have fallen. From White House to shitehouse. 1099 00:55:03,008 --> 00:55:06,593 Actually, mate, sorry, fuck this, could you get under there? 1100 00:55:08,221 --> 00:55:10,222 - Is that any better? - No. 1101 00:55:11,683 --> 00:55:15,602 This septic tank, if we didn't even know it was there in the first place, 1102 00:55:15,729 --> 00:55:18,063 how come we're responsible for it now? 1103 00:55:18,189 --> 00:55:20,149 I think what's causing the problem 1104 00:55:20,275 --> 00:55:23,235 is that it's not actually a council septic tank. 1105 00:55:23,361 --> 00:55:26,613 - You should leave this to us now. - Really? 1106 00:55:26,740 --> 00:55:29,450 Certainly, I'm completely on board. 1107 00:55:29,576 --> 00:55:31,410 - Is he? - Thanks for coming in. 1108 00:55:31,536 --> 00:55:33,537 - All right? - Right, yes, thank you. 1109 00:55:33,663 --> 00:55:35,581 - Thank you. - Thanks very much. 1110 00:55:35,707 --> 00:55:37,166 Thanks. 1111 00:55:37,292 --> 00:55:38,792 - Hello. - Hello. 1112 00:55:38,918 --> 00:55:40,836 - Mr Foster. - Call me Simon. 1113 00:55:40,962 --> 00:55:42,838 - Right, OK. - You've met Roz. 1114 00:55:42,964 --> 00:55:44,465 - I know I have. - Lovely. 1115 00:55:44,591 --> 00:55:47,468 I'll keep it brief, I know you're a busy man. There's a fellow there 1116 00:55:47,594 --> 00:55:51,221 who wants to stop people talking in foreign languages in shops. 1117 00:55:52,223 --> 00:55:54,391 Yeah. Well, this sometimes can be a magnet 1118 00:55:54,517 --> 00:55:57,436 for people who are slightly mentally dispossessed. 1119 00:56:00,023 --> 00:56:03,275 And also very sensible people, like yourself, Paul. 1120 00:56:03,401 --> 00:56:06,653 - Paul, why don't you just... - Don't you fucking patronise me, mate. 1121 00:56:06,780 --> 00:56:11,492 Paul, why don't you just outline the whole issue? 1122 00:56:11,618 --> 00:56:13,494 Right, OK, I'll tell you again. 1123 00:56:13,620 --> 00:56:17,498 Your constituency side wall... 1124 00:56:17,624 --> 00:56:20,084 - Uh-huh. -.. is falling down. 1125 00:56:20,210 --> 00:56:24,671 Your wall... is falling into my mother's garden. 1126 00:56:24,798 --> 00:56:27,674 She tried to call the office, but she was fobbed off. 1127 00:56:27,801 --> 00:56:31,053 Fobbed off by your people, because she's not Lord Snooty in a posh car 1128 00:56:31,179 --> 00:56:33,097 or Madonna on a horse. 1129 00:56:33,223 --> 00:56:36,642 Well, that I... I find that sort of thing incredibly irritating myself. 1130 00:56:36,768 --> 00:56:40,938 It's a patch from London, it's Karen Clark. Urgent. 1131 00:56:41,064 --> 00:56:44,066 - Hello? Sorry, I'm not here. - Sorry, Paul. 1132 00:56:44,192 --> 00:56:46,527 - I have to take this. - Am I being fobbed off? 1133 00:56:46,653 --> 00:56:47,694 Absolutely not. 1134 00:56:47,821 --> 00:56:50,864 What's the difference between being fobbed off and what happened? 1135 00:56:50,990 --> 00:56:53,033 You won't be able to forget me, Simon. 1136 00:56:53,159 --> 00:56:54,660 What's going on there, Simon? 1137 00:56:54,786 --> 00:56:57,913 It's... It's departmental business. It's about a wall. 1138 00:56:58,039 --> 00:57:00,082 - Oh, Gaza? - Uh-huh. 1139 00:57:00,208 --> 00:57:02,709 I'm wondering where you were in committee, Simon. 1140 00:57:02,836 --> 00:57:06,255 I called for back-up and you sat there like a dumb sack of shit. 1141 00:57:06,381 --> 00:57:09,550 Only maybe worse, because, actually, on a molecular level, 1142 00:57:09,676 --> 00:57:11,927 shit is probably fizzling with energy. 1143 00:57:12,053 --> 00:57:14,721 I have to say, Karen, I do have a clear strategy on this, 1144 00:57:14,848 --> 00:57:17,099 which is I'm playing... playing the long game. 1145 00:57:17,225 --> 00:57:18,725 Still here, Simon. 1146 00:57:18,852 --> 00:57:22,271 They've bounced us into a short game, and you just sat there like a... 1147 00:57:22,397 --> 00:57:25,149 What do you call it in England? A wanker. 1148 00:57:25,275 --> 00:57:27,192 No, we don't call it that. 1149 00:57:27,318 --> 00:57:29,069 Paul. Paul. 1150 00:57:29,195 --> 00:57:32,114 Perhaps if I had a bomb strapped to my chest, I'd get more attention. 1151 00:57:32,240 --> 00:57:34,324 He's mentioned the matter of a bomb. 1152 00:57:34,451 --> 00:57:37,744 I'm not going to let a bomb off, I work for the National Trust. 1153 00:57:37,871 --> 00:57:40,205 How do I know you're not going to let a bomb off? 1154 00:57:40,331 --> 00:57:45,419 Listen, Paul, why don't I give you, the details of my cell 1155 00:57:45,545 --> 00:57:48,172 - so that you... - Mobile phone details. 1156 00:57:48,298 --> 00:57:51,008 - Mobile phone details. - Have you got a mobile, Paul? 1157 00:57:51,134 --> 00:57:53,218 - Of course I've got a fucking mobile! - Roz. 1158 00:57:53,344 --> 00:57:54,595 What is wrong with you? 1159 00:57:54,721 --> 00:57:56,430 Five megapixels. 1160 00:57:56,556 --> 00:57:58,474 Can we see the wall? Would that satisfy you? 1161 00:57:58,600 --> 00:58:01,602 - Well, it's a start. - Friends again? Let's go and do it. 1162 00:58:01,728 --> 00:58:04,771 I'm not... not your friend, and I'm not your friend. 1163 00:58:04,898 --> 00:58:06,773 Thank you. 1164 00:58:06,900 --> 00:58:08,484 That's a pleasure. 1165 00:58:08,610 --> 00:58:10,652 Thank you. 1166 00:58:11,696 --> 00:58:13,363 Done. I'm done, I'm done. 1167 00:58:13,490 --> 00:58:15,991 - Thank you. - Let's go have a good look at that wall. 1168 00:58:16,117 --> 00:58:19,453 Four more constituents. How many do you think are going to be like that? 1169 00:58:19,579 --> 00:58:21,330 OK, hang on. 1170 00:58:21,456 --> 00:58:26,043 Also the committee got leaked and that leak came from your department. 1171 00:58:26,169 --> 00:58:30,339 I want a head on a plate, to go. 1172 00:58:31,341 --> 00:58:34,801 You're not my boss. Er...fuck off! 1173 00:58:35,637 --> 00:58:37,804 You can't make me sack people. 1174 00:58:37,931 --> 00:58:39,806 Why does she want someone sacked? 1175 00:58:39,933 --> 00:58:41,975 Ah, she said there's a leak... 1176 00:58:42,810 --> 00:58:46,355 The detail of the committee meeting in America was made public. 1177 00:58:46,481 --> 00:58:49,066 There shouldn't have been as many people there. 1178 00:58:49,192 --> 00:58:51,818 Right, and who does she want sacked? 1179 00:58:51,945 --> 00:58:54,821 - Somebody from our office. - Right. 1180 00:58:54,948 --> 00:58:57,115 Let's forget it. Come on, next person. 1181 00:58:58,117 --> 00:59:00,994 - Could it have been Judy? - Probably. 1182 00:59:03,540 --> 00:59:06,166 - Judy, can you come into my office, I need a word? 1183 00:59:06,292 --> 00:59:08,210 One second. Tobes, that's for you. 1184 00:59:08,336 --> 00:59:10,003 What is it? 1185 00:59:10,129 --> 00:59:12,506 - It's that madman about the wall. - The war? 1186 00:59:12,632 --> 00:59:15,050 Wall! Eugh. 1187 00:59:15,176 --> 00:59:18,428 Will you please come into my office so I can give you a bollocking? 1188 00:59:18,555 --> 00:59:20,764 - Yeah, OK, OK, what? - Hello. 1189 00:59:20,890 --> 00:59:22,683 - Argh! Fucker! - I want a word with you. 1190 00:59:22,809 --> 00:59:24,685 And you, Charlotte fucking Brontë. 1191 00:59:24,811 --> 00:59:26,687 What can I do for you, Paul? 1192 00:59:26,813 --> 00:59:31,858 You know those buttresses that you had put up for the wall? 1193 00:59:31,985 --> 00:59:33,777 They are utterly insubstantial 1194 00:59:33,903 --> 00:59:36,697 to even the untrained eye, and I'm looking at them. 1195 00:59:36,823 --> 00:59:38,824 And my eye's trained. 1196 00:59:38,950 --> 00:59:41,785 No, I get that, I do... I understand that. 1197 00:59:41,911 --> 00:59:44,580 If that wall collapsed and my mother was in the greenhouse, 1198 00:59:44,706 --> 00:59:46,290 that could crush her to death. 1199 00:59:46,416 --> 00:59:49,459 Do you know how old she is? Tell the reporter how old you are. 1200 00:59:49,586 --> 00:59:50,836 I'm 60. 1201 00:59:50,962 --> 00:59:52,879 She's 60... You're not fucking 60! 1202 00:59:53,006 --> 00:59:56,466 If it's going in the newspaper, I'm 60. 1203 00:59:56,593 --> 00:59:59,886 Olivia Newton-John's 60 and she's not on the fucking statins, is she? 1204 01:00:00,013 --> 01:00:03,056 - I didn't leak anything. - Don't you fucking walk out on me. 1205 01:00:03,182 --> 01:00:05,684 - I'm just getting my tea. - Let her get a cup of tea. 1206 01:00:05,810 --> 01:00:09,563 Could you just get your mum to stay away from the wall for the time being? 1207 01:00:09,689 --> 01:00:11,898 She can't stay away, she's got to water her plants. 1208 01:00:12,025 --> 01:00:15,902 Could she maybe do it with a hose, from a distance? 1209 01:00:16,029 --> 01:00:18,155 She's got a watering can! 1210 01:00:18,281 --> 01:00:19,656 Calm down, Paul, calm down. 1211 01:00:19,782 --> 01:00:22,826 I'm not... I'm fucking Zen. 1212 01:00:25,204 --> 01:00:27,372 I've brought my nunchucks if you need them, sir. 1213 01:00:27,498 --> 01:00:29,333 See how the meeting goes. 1214 01:00:31,502 --> 01:00:33,503 12:30. 1215 01:00:33,630 --> 01:00:35,672 Hold on. General? 1216 01:00:36,841 --> 01:00:41,345 Yeah... Secretary Linton Barwick asked me to let you know 1217 01:00:41,471 --> 01:00:44,640 that his last meeting looks like it's overrunning, 1218 01:00:44,766 --> 01:00:46,183 He sends his apologies. 1219 01:00:46,309 --> 01:00:47,684 When will he be here? 1220 01:00:47,810 --> 01:00:50,312 I don't have that information at this moment. 1221 01:00:50,438 --> 01:00:52,147 What the fuck? 1222 01:00:52,273 --> 01:00:53,940 Huh? 1223 01:00:54,067 --> 01:00:56,943 - Did he stand me up? - No, no, sir. 1224 01:00:57,070 --> 01:01:00,280 - You're more than welcome to wait. - Do you know what I'm going to do? 1225 01:01:00,406 --> 01:01:02,783 I'm going to take a nice big shit on his desk, 1226 01:01:02,909 --> 01:01:05,744 just to let him know that I was here. Is that OK with you? 1227 01:01:05,870 --> 01:01:08,246 I don't think he'd like that too much, sir. 1228 01:01:10,249 --> 01:01:14,127 You can wait. We have some very interesting periodicals. 1229 01:01:14,253 --> 01:01:17,464 - There's um... - Oh, yeah. 1230 01:01:26,474 --> 01:01:30,352 You want me to read a periodical at this time of national crisis? Huh? 1231 01:01:30,478 --> 01:01:32,979 Sit here with my thumb up my ass reading a paper? 1232 01:01:33,106 --> 01:01:36,775 Finding out what? Which little starlet fucked some guy this week? 1233 01:01:36,901 --> 01:01:39,986 No, I wasn't suggesting that, sir. 1234 01:01:42,699 --> 01:01:44,491 Give this to your boss. 1235 01:01:46,411 --> 01:01:47,536 Yeah. 1236 01:01:50,081 --> 01:01:52,082 Get out of my way. 1237 01:02:09,892 --> 01:02:13,019 Oh, my God. What's up? 1238 01:02:13,146 --> 01:02:15,147 Fucking Linton stood me up. 1239 01:02:15,273 --> 01:02:18,191 He's playing me like a turkey stick on a bass drum. 1240 01:02:18,317 --> 01:02:20,736 Do you know where he is? He's playing squash. 1241 01:02:20,862 --> 01:02:23,613 With this little fucking twit? 1242 01:02:23,740 --> 01:02:26,575 No, not with... No, that's Chad. 1243 01:02:26,701 --> 01:02:30,954 He just carries that every day, because he's hoping to play squash. 1244 01:02:31,080 --> 01:02:34,666 I was going to eat lunch in here. Can you digest? Do you want some food? 1245 01:02:34,792 --> 01:02:36,501 Oh, yes, I can digest, yes. 1246 01:02:36,627 --> 01:02:38,044 Chinese OK? 1247 01:02:38,171 --> 01:02:40,630 Why don't you order me some little mammals? 1248 01:02:40,757 --> 01:02:43,592 A little bunny and a little puppy, and a little cat, 1249 01:02:43,718 --> 01:02:46,887 so I can twist their fucking neck off and drink their blood. 1250 01:02:47,013 --> 01:02:48,764 My, my. All right. 1251 01:02:48,890 --> 01:02:52,434 While Foster jets around at the taxpayers' expense, 1252 01:02:52,560 --> 01:02:55,896 his constituency wall is collapsing and he doesn't give a shit. 1253 01:02:56,022 --> 01:02:57,606 It doesn't say that? 1254 01:02:57,732 --> 01:02:59,816 No. But it does say "Wall-ace And Gromit". 1255 01:02:59,942 --> 01:03:02,194 Wall-ace, though. 1256 01:03:02,320 --> 01:03:05,447 You're being portrayed as the biggest twat in Northamptonshire. 1257 01:03:05,573 --> 01:03:07,532 I've got bigger fish to fry, believe me. 1258 01:03:07,658 --> 01:03:10,827 I'm giving this to somebody else. Jamie! 1259 01:03:10,953 --> 01:03:13,246 Ah, the crossest man in Scotland. 1260 01:03:14,707 --> 01:03:16,625 Well, if it isn't Humpty Numpty. 1261 01:03:16,751 --> 01:03:18,627 What is this? Surround bollocking? 1262 01:03:18,753 --> 01:03:20,921 Hey, with due respect, I hadn't finished. 1263 01:03:21,047 --> 01:03:24,090 If it isn't Humpty Numpty sitting on top of a collapsing wall 1264 01:03:24,217 --> 01:03:27,302 like some clueless egg cunt. 1265 01:03:27,428 --> 01:03:28,804 Now, I'm finished. 1266 01:03:28,930 --> 01:03:30,847 Hi, Jamie, this is Toby. 1267 01:03:30,973 --> 01:03:34,518 Oh, um...Toby Rice, I'm Simon's aide. 1268 01:03:34,644 --> 01:03:37,854 Hi, Toby, Toby. Very pleased to meet you. Please sit down. 1269 01:03:37,980 --> 01:03:41,107 Now, right, that's enough of all the fucking Oxbridge pleasantries. 1270 01:03:41,234 --> 01:03:44,820 - What's Oxbridge about saying hello? - Shut it, Love Actually! 1271 01:03:44,946 --> 01:03:46,863 Do you want me to hole punch your face? 1272 01:03:46,989 --> 01:03:50,075 Right, I'm off to deal with the fate of the planet. 1273 01:03:50,201 --> 01:03:52,118 Be gentle with them. 1274 01:03:52,245 --> 01:03:55,914 Oh, you know me, Malc. Kid gloves... but made from real kids. 1275 01:03:56,999 --> 01:03:59,960 Right, Butch and Gaydance, this wall story is playing badly. 1276 01:04:00,086 --> 01:04:02,128 There's a cartoon of you in here as a walrus. 1277 01:04:02,255 --> 01:04:04,256 A walrus? 1278 01:04:04,382 --> 01:04:06,842 I'm not fat, I don't even have a moustache. 1279 01:04:07,844 --> 01:04:09,678 Fuck, they've given me tusks. 1280 01:04:09,804 --> 01:04:11,721 - Wal-rus. - Yes, I know. 1281 01:04:11,848 --> 01:04:13,390 You get it? Wal-rus, wal-rus. 1282 01:04:13,516 --> 01:04:17,143 We called some builders. They didn't turn up when they said they would. 1283 01:04:17,270 --> 01:04:19,145 What did you expect? 1284 01:04:19,272 --> 01:04:20,981 They're builders! 1285 01:04:21,107 --> 01:04:24,693 Have you ever seen a film where the hero is a builder? 1286 01:04:24,819 --> 01:04:28,321 No, no, because they never fucking turn up in the nick of time. 1287 01:04:28,447 --> 01:04:30,407 Bat-builder? Spider-builder? Huh? 1288 01:04:30,533 --> 01:04:33,952 That's why you never see a superhero with a hod. 1289 01:04:34,078 --> 01:04:36,329 You know, my theory is Malcolm built him in a lab 1290 01:04:36,455 --> 01:04:38,540 out of bits of old psychopath. 1291 01:04:38,666 --> 01:04:40,375 Hello, ladies. 1292 01:04:40,501 --> 01:04:42,711 OK, well, I'm just going to go to the bar. 1293 01:04:42,837 --> 01:04:44,713 Good idea, we're on the Sancerre. 1294 01:04:44,839 --> 01:04:47,966 - If you can afford that. - If you can get served at the bar. 1295 01:04:48,092 --> 01:04:51,177 - Yes, thank you, Oscar Wilde. - He might not get served, bless him. 1296 01:04:51,304 --> 01:04:53,346 Toby's got a message. Hang on. 1297 01:04:56,058 --> 01:04:58,018 What's that? 1298 01:04:59,061 --> 01:05:02,188 - Oh, fucking wow, I don't believe it. - What? 1299 01:05:02,315 --> 01:05:05,108 I don't fucking... I don't believe it, he's done it again. 1300 01:05:06,152 --> 01:05:08,778 Little shit, he's such a shit. 1301 01:05:10,364 --> 01:05:11,907 What? 1302 01:05:12,950 --> 01:05:14,326 - Here he is. - There you are. 1303 01:05:14,452 --> 01:05:16,786 The finest Sancerre in the Westminster reach. 1304 01:05:16,913 --> 01:05:19,956 So, this Liza, you shagged her, yeah? 1305 01:05:20,082 --> 01:05:21,374 What? No. 1306 01:05:21,500 --> 01:05:24,669 Were you aware he was ball-deep in some Washington wonk? 1307 01:05:24,795 --> 01:05:27,339 - Suzy! - I didn't know anything about his balls. 1308 01:05:27,465 --> 01:05:30,967 Can we not discuss my balls and accusations in... 1309 01:05:31,093 --> 01:05:34,596 Just tell me why. Huh? 1310 01:05:37,099 --> 01:05:41,895 I don't know, Suzy. It was very weird over there, very intense. 1311 01:05:42,021 --> 01:05:43,063 Right. 1312 01:05:43,189 --> 01:05:47,817 Maybe, I don't know, on some level, subconsciously, 1313 01:05:47,944 --> 01:05:52,572 it was like a... it was just... it was a last-ditch attempt to... 1314 01:05:53,616 --> 01:05:58,620 ..stop this...awful war, you know? 1315 01:06:00,247 --> 01:06:03,041 Just on a... I mean, you know, I don't mean, obviously, to try.. 1316 01:06:03,167 --> 01:06:05,085 - Wow. - That's classic. 1317 01:06:05,211 --> 01:06:06,836 ...to try and actually stop it. 1318 01:06:06,963 --> 01:06:09,589 Toby, did you just say that you had sex to stop the war? 1319 01:06:09,715 --> 01:06:10,632 No, no, no. 1320 01:06:10,758 --> 01:06:14,970 An anti-war shag? Is that what you thought, Toby? Because, that's... Wow. 1321 01:06:15,096 --> 01:06:16,680 Can we just go and discuss this 1322 01:06:16,806 --> 01:06:19,808 somewhere where there aren't enormous children eating snacks? 1323 01:06:19,934 --> 01:06:23,812 He's got his little cannons and he's got his little guns, and... 1324 01:06:25,064 --> 01:06:28,233 ..this is the problem with civilians wanting to go to war. 1325 01:06:28,359 --> 01:06:30,652 Once you've been there, once you've seen it, 1326 01:06:30,778 --> 01:06:33,989 you never want to go again, unless you absolutely fucking have to. 1327 01:06:35,032 --> 01:06:37,033 It's like France. 1328 01:06:38,411 --> 01:06:39,995 Is there anything besides this to eat? 1329 01:06:40,121 --> 01:06:43,123 Have something else. This has got a little protein, have that. 1330 01:06:43,249 --> 01:06:45,208 What's this, fish ass? 1331 01:06:45,334 --> 01:06:48,420 - So, you read Liza's paper, I guess? - Yeah, 1332 01:06:48,546 --> 01:06:50,672 I'm a voracious reader. 1333 01:06:50,798 --> 01:06:53,299 I am the Gore Vidal of the Pentagon. 1334 01:06:53,426 --> 01:06:54,426 Gore's gay. 1335 01:06:54,552 --> 01:06:55,468 No, he's not. 1336 01:06:55,594 --> 01:06:57,470 I beg to differ, but... 1337 01:06:57,596 --> 01:07:00,849 He's gay? Because I've been saying that Gore Vidal line. 1338 01:07:00,975 --> 01:07:02,308 He is gay. 1339 01:07:03,394 --> 01:07:05,437 Guess, I'd better stop saying that, then. 1340 01:07:05,563 --> 01:07:07,147 It's ridiculous. 1341 01:07:07,273 --> 01:07:10,442 The case against war is far stronger than the case for war 1342 01:07:10,568 --> 01:07:12,902 and the case for war is caveated all to hell. 1343 01:07:13,029 --> 01:07:15,155 "Most analysts believe the state is looking 1344 01:07:15,281 --> 01:07:17,782 to expand aggressively beyond its borders." 1345 01:07:17,908 --> 01:07:20,493 Then you look down the caveats. "The only source is "Ice Man". 1346 01:07:20,619 --> 01:07:23,997 A possible alcoholic" - he probably does ten bags of methamphetamine a day. 1347 01:07:24,123 --> 01:07:25,331 The Ice Man. 1348 01:07:25,458 --> 01:07:27,167 If he even exists. 1349 01:07:27,293 --> 01:07:31,504 "The INR says we can't trust him." We're disputing our own intelligence. 1350 01:07:31,630 --> 01:07:33,465 We should leak this, you know. 1351 01:07:33,591 --> 01:07:35,175 When do you wanna leak it? 1352 01:07:36,218 --> 01:07:37,260 Me? 1353 01:07:37,386 --> 01:07:39,679 - Isn't that what you were suggesting? - No. 1354 01:07:39,805 --> 01:07:41,723 You don't have to say that it came from you. 1355 01:07:41,849 --> 01:07:43,892 No, I'm not leaking it. 1356 01:07:46,062 --> 01:07:48,063 Liza looks good today. 1357 01:07:52,902 --> 01:07:56,529 - I mean, has Linton read this thing? - I don't think Linton reads. 1358 01:08:00,534 --> 01:08:03,078 - Why don't you give it a couple of weeks to settle down? 1359 01:08:03,204 --> 01:08:06,164 - Oh, great, just what we need. Old Anti-war Fuck is back. 1360 01:08:06,290 --> 01:08:09,084 - What the fuck's Cocoon doing here? - What are you doing here? 1361 01:08:09,210 --> 01:08:11,753 - Well, I live here. - Well, you don't, actually, Toby. 1362 01:08:11,879 --> 01:08:15,090 - Want another cup of tea, Michael? - Yes, please. I'd love one. 1363 01:08:15,216 --> 01:08:17,842 OK, right, I'm taking all my stuff from the kitchen. 1364 01:08:17,968 --> 01:08:19,803 - Do you want me to go? - No, you stay there. 1365 01:08:19,929 --> 01:08:22,555 He's just getting his brie and his peri-peri. 1366 01:08:22,681 --> 01:08:25,517 - Do you want me to help him pack? - And certainly my quince paste. 1367 01:08:25,643 --> 01:08:27,560 Quince paste, he's such a prick. 1368 01:08:27,686 --> 01:08:29,938 Just going to gather up his shit clothes. 1369 01:08:30,064 --> 01:08:31,272 Shut up. 1370 01:08:33,400 --> 01:08:36,152 That's not how you fold them. 1371 01:08:36,278 --> 01:08:39,531 I'm not going to fucking Fiji, I'm getting chucked out of my house. 1372 01:08:39,657 --> 01:08:41,574 They're all going in bin liners. 1373 01:08:41,700 --> 01:08:43,952 It makes all the difference at the other end. 1374 01:08:44,078 --> 01:08:46,579 There is no other end, that's the point. 1375 01:08:46,705 --> 01:08:48,957 - Has she got big tits? - Oh, Christ alive. 1376 01:08:49,083 --> 01:08:51,584 Yes, actually, she has. She's got massive tits. Yes. 1377 01:08:51,710 --> 01:08:54,671 Look them up on Google Earth. They've got their own postcode. 1378 01:08:54,797 --> 01:08:57,006 They're so enormous that they actually 1379 01:08:57,133 --> 01:08:59,259 suck in other tits from the surrounding area. 1380 01:08:59,385 --> 01:09:01,427 Like you? 1381 01:09:04,056 --> 01:09:05,765 Thanks. See you, then. 1382 01:09:05,891 --> 01:09:07,600 OK. 1383 01:09:07,726 --> 01:09:09,435 Um... 1384 01:09:09,562 --> 01:09:14,149 Suzy, this is probably going to sound a bit odd under the circumstances, but... 1385 01:09:14,275 --> 01:09:15,817 A quickie? 1386 01:09:15,943 --> 01:09:19,237 No. Thank you, but no. 1387 01:09:19,363 --> 01:09:21,698 It's about Liza. 1388 01:09:21,824 --> 01:09:24,033 Liza wrote a paper, it's called PWIP PIP. 1389 01:09:24,160 --> 01:09:26,077 - PWIP what? - PWIP PIP. 1390 01:09:26,203 --> 01:09:28,872 Who wrote that? Charles Dickens? 1391 01:09:28,998 --> 01:09:31,916 - Post War Planning Implications... - Yeah, all right. 1392 01:09:32,042 --> 01:09:36,421 Right. I think, it could, if it was leaked, stop this kind of rush towards a war, 1393 01:09:36,547 --> 01:09:38,798 you know, too quickly, that sort of thing. 1394 01:09:38,924 --> 01:09:42,302 - Just if it was leaked. - You are such a coward. 1395 01:09:42,428 --> 01:09:46,598 Take your backlog of Mojo and your shit clothes, 1396 01:09:46,724 --> 01:09:49,642 and your eighth of dope and your flute and piss off. 1397 01:09:51,187 --> 01:09:54,063 OK, I'll just leave it there. 1398 01:10:00,779 --> 01:10:03,323 - I need advice myself. - Let's take care of the car. 1399 01:10:03,449 --> 01:10:06,284 This should not be here. This should not be here. 1400 01:10:06,410 --> 01:10:08,453 Sir. Everyone. 1401 01:10:09,121 --> 01:10:11,664 - The car is ready? - All taken care of, sir. 1402 01:10:11,790 --> 01:10:14,626 - I'm handling travel. - Why are people running around? 1403 01:10:14,752 --> 01:10:16,669 This had better be a fucking fire drill. 1404 01:10:16,795 --> 01:10:21,174 The President just announced he's vetoing tariffs on Chinese auto imports. 1405 01:10:21,300 --> 01:10:23,635 That means, right, he's buttering the Chinese up? 1406 01:10:23,761 --> 01:10:27,513 That he needs the Chinese to at least abstain on the Security Council. 1407 01:10:27,640 --> 01:10:29,515 OK, so we're going to the UN. 1408 01:10:29,642 --> 01:10:32,644 - Yes, we're going to the UN. - Shit. 1409 01:10:32,770 --> 01:10:34,812 Why didn't you tell me, Liza? 1410 01:10:35,856 --> 01:10:37,523 Since I created the budget deficit, 1411 01:10:37,650 --> 01:10:40,693 the President doesn't tend to run things by me any more. 1412 01:10:40,819 --> 01:10:43,279 Don't get funny with me. I am not in the mood to joke. 1413 01:10:43,405 --> 01:10:45,698 I'm... I'm getting that. 1414 01:10:45,824 --> 01:10:49,994 If you say we're leaving in ten minutes that means we're leaving right now. 1415 01:10:50,120 --> 01:10:53,248 Not that I don't trust you, but I don't trust you. 1416 01:10:53,374 --> 01:10:55,083 I am gonna go into Linton's office 1417 01:10:55,209 --> 01:10:57,794 and I'm gonna pull the little pin on that fucking grenade. 1418 01:10:57,920 --> 01:10:59,712 - Don't do that. - I'm fucking joking. 1419 01:10:59,838 --> 01:11:00,880 I'm not gonna do that. 1420 01:11:01,006 --> 01:11:02,924 We have an elevator waiting for us. 1421 01:11:03,050 --> 01:11:05,343 Good. Step in, thank you very much, just... 1422 01:11:05,469 --> 01:11:07,512 I just... 1423 01:11:08,514 --> 01:11:11,391 This job is incredibly stressful, you know that? 1424 01:11:11,517 --> 01:11:14,227 Simon, you're not a lion tamer, 1425 01:11:14,353 --> 01:11:17,230 you're not a snooker player. 1426 01:11:17,356 --> 01:11:20,275 I don't want to back a war, Judy. 1427 01:11:21,318 --> 01:11:25,738 Look, put some hints out there, put some nods and some winks out 1428 01:11:25,864 --> 01:11:30,326 that I'm toying with resignation, OK? See if the PM reacts. 1429 01:11:30,452 --> 01:11:33,413 - You want me to put out some winks? - And nods, yeah. 1430 01:11:33,539 --> 01:11:35,248 What? Big nods? 1431 01:11:35,374 --> 01:11:37,750 No, no, just sort of... that sort of size nod. 1432 01:11:37,876 --> 01:11:38,918 OK. 1433 01:11:39,044 --> 01:11:40,753 No, no, that's much too big. 1434 01:11:40,879 --> 01:11:44,340 I'm just nodding normally to say I understand the need for a small nod. 1435 01:11:44,466 --> 01:11:46,134 Oh, yeah. No, no, sorry, yeah. 1436 01:11:46,885 --> 01:11:50,471 All right now, my lovely friends, the bottom line is... 1437 01:11:50,597 --> 01:11:52,807 Oh, God, I hate that phrase. "Bottom line." 1438 01:11:52,933 --> 01:11:54,434 I mean, we're not in retailing. 1439 01:11:54,560 --> 01:11:57,061 Sorry. Michael's quite right. I won't use that again. 1440 01:11:57,187 --> 01:11:59,480 The bottom line is the President is going to the UN. 1441 01:11:59,606 --> 01:12:02,567 This will be the vote to commence military intervention. 1442 01:12:02,693 --> 01:12:03,901 1443 01:12:04,028 --> 01:12:06,988 And the Prime Minister has decided that we should join him. 1444 01:12:07,114 --> 01:12:08,698 Rob, Innis, 1445 01:12:08,824 --> 01:12:11,868 Little Bo Cock Jockey and the Leakey Fucking Mingebox, 1446 01:12:11,994 --> 01:12:13,619 go back to your desks 1447 01:12:13,746 --> 01:12:15,663 and prepare to start briefing now. 1448 01:12:15,789 --> 01:12:17,915 Michael, do you mind if we use your office? 1449 01:12:18,042 --> 01:12:19,584 - What? - For a couple of minutes? 1450 01:12:19,710 --> 01:12:22,754 Yeah. Michael, sorry. Bottom line is, can you come out again? 1451 01:12:22,880 --> 01:12:25,757 - Um...might need to turn the music off. 1452 01:12:25,883 --> 01:12:26,924 Yes. 1453 01:12:28,010 --> 01:12:29,427 - Right. - OK. 1454 01:12:29,553 --> 01:12:31,596 So, this is all going to spin along from here. 1455 01:12:31,722 --> 01:12:33,473 We're going to have a vote and go to war. 1456 01:12:33,599 --> 01:12:36,434 We'll fight people, kill them. Our children will get killed. 1457 01:12:36,560 --> 01:12:38,102 This is exactly the sort of thing 1458 01:12:38,228 --> 01:12:40,897 that I didn't want to do when I went into politics. 1459 01:12:41,023 --> 01:12:43,608 This is the opposite of what I wanted to be doing. 1460 01:12:43,734 --> 01:12:46,527 That's why you have to stay in Government, to influence things. 1461 01:12:46,653 --> 01:12:49,155 In here, you can influence things, you can delay things. 1462 01:12:49,281 --> 01:12:50,656 Out there, you're just another 1463 01:12:50,783 --> 01:12:54,077 mouthy, shouty mad fucker who people don't want to make eye contact with. 1464 01:12:54,203 --> 01:12:57,163 Remember Mary? Remember what happened? She took a stand on health. 1465 01:12:57,289 --> 01:12:59,123 Everybody decided that she was mental. 1466 01:12:59,249 --> 01:13:01,042 Because The Sun showed a picture of her 1467 01:13:01,168 --> 01:13:03,086 with wide eyes and her head on a cow. 1468 01:13:03,212 --> 01:13:05,630 I happened to find that a particularly powerful image. 1469 01:13:05,756 --> 01:13:08,549 Look...the Prime Minister of this country, 1470 01:13:08,675 --> 01:13:10,635 he's not a fucking Viking, is he? 1471 01:13:10,761 --> 01:13:12,303 He doesn't drink blood. 1472 01:13:12,429 --> 01:13:14,180 He doesn't go around biting tramps. 1473 01:13:14,306 --> 01:13:17,141 I know the Prime Minister isn't a Viking, Malcolm. 1474 01:13:17,267 --> 01:13:19,894 Unlike me, he abhors physical violence. 1475 01:13:20,020 --> 01:13:22,355 Where is the intelligence, the hard evidence? 1476 01:13:22,481 --> 01:13:24,524 We have got the fucking intelligence. 1477 01:13:24,650 --> 01:13:27,360 - I haven't seen it. - The intelligence we've got is so deep, 1478 01:13:27,486 --> 01:13:30,279 so fucking hard, it'll fucking puncture your kidneys. 1479 01:13:31,240 --> 01:13:32,698 Where's it coming from? 1480 01:13:32,825 --> 01:13:34,742 There is an informant. 1481 01:13:34,868 --> 01:13:36,327 Ice Man. 1482 01:13:36,995 --> 01:13:38,496 Ice Man? 1483 01:13:39,164 --> 01:13:41,916 I don't name them. Ice Man. Yeah. 1484 01:13:42,042 --> 01:13:44,752 And the fact is, the stuff that he's given us is... 1485 01:13:44,878 --> 01:13:46,504 I've seen it. 1486 01:13:46,630 --> 01:13:49,173 It would make your blood run cold 1487 01:13:49,967 --> 01:13:53,177 and clot and turn your insides into fucking black puddings, 1488 01:13:53,303 --> 01:13:55,179 but certain box lickers 1489 01:13:55,305 --> 01:13:57,765 are sitting on it, but you're going to see it, 1490 01:13:57,891 --> 01:13:59,809 because the PM regards you 1491 01:13:59,935 --> 01:14:01,727 as a key player in this now. 1492 01:14:01,854 --> 01:14:05,356 Simon, the Prime Minister wants to speak to you in ten minutes. 1493 01:14:05,482 --> 01:14:07,358 He wants you to go to the UN. 1494 01:14:07,484 --> 01:14:08,401 OK. 1495 01:14:08,527 --> 01:14:10,194 See? You're on the A list now. 1496 01:14:10,320 --> 01:14:13,114 You're there in the VIP lounge. You're a fucking Kennedy. 1497 01:14:13,240 --> 01:14:14,365 Yeah, Malcolm... 1498 01:14:14,491 --> 01:14:16,701 You've got the gold card, the complimentary drinks, 1499 01:14:16,827 --> 01:14:18,202 the fucking hard on. 1500 01:14:18,328 --> 01:14:21,539 Show me the evidence - my bottom fucking line. 1501 01:14:21,665 --> 01:14:23,541 Don't you start, as well. 1502 01:14:26,879 --> 01:14:28,337 Should I resign? 1503 01:14:29,339 --> 01:14:33,551 I floated that I might, then I thought l wouldn't, so it'll look convincing if I did. 1504 01:14:34,720 --> 01:14:37,972 I mean, do you think, is it braver to just resign 1505 01:14:38,098 --> 01:14:40,141 and say, "No. No war"? 1506 01:14:41,143 --> 01:14:42,560 - Yes. - Or... 1507 01:14:42,686 --> 01:14:44,228 is it braver... 1508 01:14:45,439 --> 01:14:47,148 ..to say, "I don't agree", 1509 01:14:47,274 --> 01:14:49,442 and just grit my teeth and get on with it? 1510 01:14:49,568 --> 01:14:50,568 No. 1511 01:14:50,694 --> 01:14:54,238 Is the really brave thing actually doing what you don't believe? 1512 01:14:54,364 --> 01:14:55,239 No. 1513 01:14:55,365 --> 01:14:56,741 Maybe. 1514 01:14:56,867 --> 01:14:58,159 Because... 1515 01:14:58,285 --> 01:15:01,787 What's actually brave about doing the right thing? 1516 01:15:01,914 --> 01:15:02,830 Nothing. 1517 01:15:02,956 --> 01:15:04,957 You know, doing the wrong thing is... 1518 01:15:05,083 --> 01:15:06,459 is... is braver, 1519 01:15:06,585 --> 01:15:08,252 in a way, isn't it? 1520 01:15:09,254 --> 01:15:11,964 And wars do sometimes work. 1521 01:15:13,091 --> 01:15:14,425 That erm... 1522 01:15:14,551 --> 01:15:16,427 the War for Independence. 1523 01:15:16,553 --> 01:15:19,430 You know, that worked for the Americans, didn't it? 1524 01:15:19,556 --> 01:15:21,015 And...erm... 1525 01:15:22,935 --> 01:15:24,769 The Second World War. 1526 01:15:24,895 --> 01:15:28,022 I know, it's not... It wasn't a good idea, millions died. 1527 01:15:28,148 --> 01:15:29,774 No, no, I know what you mean. 1528 01:15:29,900 --> 01:15:32,193 The Crimean War. We got nurses out of that. 1529 01:15:32,319 --> 01:15:34,237 - Nurses are good. - Yes. Exactly. 1530 01:15:34,363 --> 01:15:36,405 So, right, well, no, exactly. 1531 01:15:39,952 --> 01:15:40,952 So... 1532 01:15:42,412 --> 01:15:44,205 You're not resigning? 1533 01:15:49,211 --> 01:15:51,837 In the motorcade, can we get a car without Judy, please? 1534 01:15:51,964 --> 01:15:53,965 You want hookers? You like hooky fucky, sir? 1535 01:15:54,091 --> 01:15:55,466 No, I don't want... 1536 01:15:55,592 --> 01:15:58,010 - I want to talk about resigning. - What again? 1537 01:15:58,136 --> 01:16:00,179 Yes, but with you and not her. 1538 01:16:05,310 --> 01:16:09,313 So, the wires are all currently reporting that you're going to resign over the war. 1539 01:16:09,439 --> 01:16:11,440 What? That's not supposed to get outside. 1540 01:16:11,567 --> 01:16:15,486 Well, it is outside. It's lurking outside, like a big hairy rapist at a coach station. 1541 01:16:16,905 --> 01:16:20,032 Do you know, if I could, I'd fucking punch you into paralysis. 1542 01:16:23,996 --> 01:16:26,664 So, you must be Simon. I'm the British Ambassador to the UN, 1543 01:16:26,790 --> 01:16:28,291 Sir Jonathon Tutt. 1544 01:16:28,417 --> 01:16:31,669 Well, this is it, ladies and gentlemen. This is the United Nations. 1545 01:16:31,795 --> 01:16:33,921 We, sir, are in here. 1546 01:16:34,047 --> 01:16:36,924 So, if there's anything you need, just give me a whistle. 1547 01:16:37,050 --> 01:16:39,302 You know how to do that, don't you? What do you do? 1548 01:16:39,428 --> 01:16:42,847 Hm? That's right. You put your lips together and you blow. 1549 01:16:44,016 --> 01:16:46,475 I'm going to head up to this delegates' reception. 1550 01:16:46,602 --> 01:16:49,478 I hope there's some nibbles, because I'm ravenous. 1551 01:16:51,440 --> 01:16:53,357 Nibbles. Who still says "nibbles"? 1552 01:16:53,483 --> 01:16:56,694 Fuck the nibbles. What was with the homoerotic tension? 1553 01:16:56,820 --> 01:17:00,531 OK. Your phone is off, but there's been a catastrofuck here. 1554 01:17:00,657 --> 01:17:03,784 Someone's leaked Liza Weld's PWIP PIP paper to the BBC. 1555 01:17:03,910 --> 01:17:05,703 Jesus Christ! 1556 01:17:06,747 --> 01:17:08,331 Ah, there we go. 1557 01:17:09,333 --> 01:17:13,044 I reckon it's going to be on the six o'clock news, one o'clock your time. 1558 01:17:13,170 --> 01:17:16,714 That is going to fucking fist your UN vote to death. 1559 01:17:16,840 --> 01:17:17,798 Hey, you! Freeze! 1560 01:17:17,924 --> 01:17:20,384 Right. Missing you loads. PWIP PIP toodle-oo. 1561 01:17:20,510 --> 01:17:22,428 I want a fucking word with you. 1562 01:17:22,554 --> 01:17:24,180 OK, Jamie, two jobs. 1563 01:17:24,306 --> 01:17:28,100 Job one. Find the PWIP PIP leaker and kill them. Job one has two parts. 1564 01:17:28,226 --> 01:17:31,354 Job two. Go to the BBC and find out who's got it there. 1565 01:17:31,480 --> 01:17:34,065 We need them to delay till after the vote. Yeah? 1566 01:17:34,191 --> 01:17:35,566 I love you. 1567 01:17:39,571 --> 01:17:41,739 Excuse me, I need a word with you. 1568 01:17:41,865 --> 01:17:43,949 Do not move from here or I'll fucking stab you. 1569 01:17:44,076 --> 01:17:44,825 OK. 1570 01:17:44,951 --> 01:17:46,911 - Right. Was it you? - No, it wasn't. 1571 01:17:47,037 --> 01:17:47,912 No. What? 1572 01:17:48,038 --> 01:17:50,122 - You know what I'm talking about. - No. 1573 01:17:50,248 --> 01:17:52,083 And... And...whatever it was, 1574 01:17:52,209 --> 01:17:54,126 I almost certainly didn't do it. 1575 01:17:54,252 --> 01:17:56,087 - You, the baby from Eraserhead? - No, no. 1576 01:17:56,213 --> 01:17:57,963 Then it must be you, woman from The Crying Game. 1577 01:17:58,090 --> 01:17:59,423 It wasn't me. 1578 01:17:59,549 --> 01:18:01,634 You've really got it in for me, haven't you? 1579 01:18:01,760 --> 01:18:04,428 Listen, somebody has dropped a bollock in the noodles here. 1580 01:18:04,554 --> 01:18:05,971 - And I reckon it was you. - Oh. 1581 01:18:06,098 --> 01:18:08,432 - Nice logic. - Yeah, no, that sounds possible. 1582 01:18:08,558 --> 01:18:10,267 Will you just keep your nib out? 1583 01:18:10,394 --> 01:18:11,936 Psychologically speaking. 1584 01:18:12,062 --> 01:18:14,021 - Springer spaniel head. - It's plausible. 1585 01:18:14,147 --> 01:18:17,441 You might have built up a resentment and paid it off in some underhand way. 1586 01:18:17,567 --> 01:18:19,360 That's a thing I've observed people do. 1587 01:18:19,486 --> 01:18:21,153 Observe that. 1588 01:18:21,279 --> 01:18:23,614 - Right, Baldermort. - Bloody hell, Malcolm. 1589 01:18:23,740 --> 01:18:25,074 Excuse us. 1590 01:18:25,200 --> 01:18:26,992 We are in a new reality here. 1591 01:18:27,119 --> 01:18:28,244 - OK? - Right. 1592 01:18:28,370 --> 01:18:30,830 And I need you to speed things up. 1593 01:18:30,956 --> 01:18:32,665 OK. Speed what up, Malcolm? 1594 01:18:32,791 --> 01:18:35,167 - The debate. - Right. 1595 01:18:35,293 --> 01:18:38,629 I need you to bring it from 130pm to 11 am. 1596 01:18:38,755 --> 01:18:43,008 Right. Let me tell you how the process works here and why that's not possible. 1597 01:18:43,135 --> 01:18:46,220 Just fucking do it, otherwise you'll find yourself in the Caucuses, 1598 01:18:46,346 --> 01:18:47,805 in a Medieval fucking war zone, 1599 01:18:47,931 --> 01:18:50,474 arse in the air, trying to persuade men in balaclavas 1600 01:18:50,600 --> 01:18:54,437 that sustained sexual violence is not the fucking way forward, OK? 1601 01:18:54,563 --> 01:18:57,857 It cannot be done and it will not be done. There's an end to it. 1602 01:18:57,983 --> 01:18:59,483 Ok, I'll do it. Through here? 1603 01:18:59,609 --> 01:19:02,194 You will not do it because that is a breach of protocol. 1604 01:19:02,320 --> 01:19:04,071 - Well, you do it. - No, I will not do it. 1605 01:19:04,197 --> 01:19:06,449 - In there. Do it. - I'm not dancing with you on this. 1606 01:19:06,575 --> 01:19:08,784 - Get through there and do it, now. - I'm not. 1607 01:19:10,036 --> 01:19:11,245 Right...well... 1608 01:19:11,371 --> 01:19:13,080 Erm...everyone, if I could just... 1609 01:19:13,206 --> 01:19:14,457 Is this... 1610 01:19:14,583 --> 01:19:16,083 Can you hear me? 1611 01:19:16,209 --> 01:19:19,295 I just wondered if we might er... ask for a... 1612 01:19:21,006 --> 01:19:22,423 ..a cheeky early vote, 1613 01:19:22,549 --> 01:19:24,925 a sort of a little bit of an adventure. 1614 01:19:25,051 --> 01:19:26,552 Yeah, we've got to plug that leak. 1615 01:19:26,678 --> 01:19:29,346 I don't know what else they've got and where's this intel? 1616 01:19:29,473 --> 01:19:32,850 Are you sure you're working as hard as me? I'm sweating spinal fluid here. 1617 01:19:32,976 --> 01:19:34,477 I'm a fucking husk. 1618 01:19:34,603 --> 01:19:35,853 Jesus. 1619 01:19:36,855 --> 01:19:40,024 - Got everything you need? - Yeah. Yeah, thanks. 1620 01:19:40,150 --> 01:19:41,233 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 1621 01:19:41,902 --> 01:19:43,194 General Flintstone. 1622 01:19:44,446 --> 01:19:45,863 Was it you? 1623 01:19:45,989 --> 01:19:48,073 Did you leak PWIP PIP? 1624 01:19:48,867 --> 01:19:51,869 I mean, I know you can't fire a gun, but can you use a fax? 1625 01:19:51,995 --> 01:19:54,705 No, I didn't leak PWIP PIP. I do everything up front. OK? 1626 01:19:54,831 --> 01:19:57,875 Not like some creepy little gay mercenary that sneaks around 1627 01:19:58,001 --> 01:19:59,585 doing other people's dirty work. 1628 01:19:59,711 --> 01:20:01,378 Hey, I am doing my own work. 1629 01:20:01,505 --> 01:20:02,755 I'm doing my job. 1630 01:20:02,881 --> 01:20:04,882 No, you're doing Linton's dirty work. 1631 01:20:05,008 --> 01:20:06,926 You're his English bitch and you don't even know it. 1632 01:20:07,052 --> 01:20:10,095 I bet if I went into your hotel room tonight, I'd see you on all fours, 1633 01:20:10,222 --> 01:20:12,556 little fishnets on, him hanging onto the back of you. 1634 01:20:12,682 --> 01:20:14,225 Oh, that's nice, that's nice. 1635 01:20:14,351 --> 01:20:17,228 That's tough talk coming from a fucking armchair general. 1636 01:20:17,354 --> 01:20:20,189 Why don't you put your feet up on a pouf and go back to sleep? 1637 01:20:20,315 --> 01:20:23,901 Tucker, you might be a scary little poodle fucker, back there in London, 1638 01:20:24,027 --> 01:20:25,361 but here you're nothing. 1639 01:20:25,487 --> 01:20:27,279 You know what you look like? 1640 01:20:28,281 --> 01:20:29,740 A squeezed dick. 1641 01:20:29,866 --> 01:20:33,285 You've got a little blue vein running up the side of your head. 1642 01:20:33,411 --> 01:20:35,162 See, that's where I'd put the bullet. 1643 01:20:35,288 --> 01:20:39,083 But I'd have to stand back, cos you look like you'd be a squirter. 1644 01:20:39,209 --> 01:20:40,918 Have you ever, even actually... 1645 01:20:41,920 --> 01:20:43,629 ..killed anybody, I mean, really? 1646 01:20:43,755 --> 01:20:44,922 Yeah. 1647 01:20:45,715 --> 01:20:47,800 Falling asleep on someone. That doesn't count. 1648 01:20:47,926 --> 01:20:49,635 That's good. That's good. 1649 01:20:49,761 --> 01:20:52,012 How about you, pussy drip, ever kill anybody? 1650 01:20:52,138 --> 01:20:54,723 Maiming is what I prefer, psychologically. 1651 01:20:54,850 --> 01:20:56,433 Why don't you try to maim me? 1652 01:20:56,560 --> 01:20:59,728 I'll hit you so hard in the face, you'll be shitting teeth. 1653 01:21:00,772 --> 01:21:02,147 Go right ahead. 1654 01:21:02,274 --> 01:21:04,191 I can see the headlines right now. 1655 01:21:04,317 --> 01:21:07,945 "Peace-loving general starts fight at the UN. Swiss intervene." 1656 01:21:08,071 --> 01:21:11,782 I don't know, I'm not an expert on spin, but that could hurt your career. 1657 01:21:11,908 --> 01:21:12,783 Yeah? 1658 01:21:12,909 --> 01:21:14,118 - Yeah? - Yeah. 1659 01:21:17,122 --> 01:21:18,539 Now, do excuse me. 1660 01:21:18,665 --> 01:21:20,291 I've got work to do. 1661 01:21:22,127 --> 01:21:24,503 Don't ever call me fucking English again. 1662 01:21:28,425 --> 01:21:30,301 - Suzy, well done. 1663 01:21:30,427 --> 01:21:32,136 This is absolutely superb. 1664 01:21:32,262 --> 01:21:34,597 Hey, horse of the year, was it you? 1665 01:21:34,723 --> 01:21:37,224 - Was what me? - Answer the fucking question! 1666 01:21:37,350 --> 01:21:38,475 Was it you? 1667 01:21:38,602 --> 01:21:41,687 Was what me, Jamie? I have no idea what you're talking about. 1668 01:21:41,813 --> 01:21:45,566 She can't answer the question, can she? Unless she knows what it is. 1669 01:21:45,692 --> 01:21:46,859 You... 1670 01:21:46,985 --> 01:21:50,154 leaked Liza Weld's paper to the BBC, right? 1671 01:21:50,280 --> 01:21:53,073 Now, tell me you leaked it. 1672 01:21:54,576 --> 01:21:56,785 No, I didn't. I didn't leak it. 1673 01:21:56,912 --> 01:21:58,412 I know... 1674 01:21:58,538 --> 01:22:01,165 the leak came from in here. 1675 01:22:01,291 --> 01:22:02,833 From... 1676 01:22:02,959 --> 01:22:06,712 this fucking fax machine right here. 1677 01:22:06,838 --> 01:22:09,340 No. There's no... There's no way. 1678 01:22:10,383 --> 01:22:11,675 Do you see... 1679 01:22:11,801 --> 01:22:13,510 what I'm doing to this machine? 1680 01:22:13,637 --> 01:22:15,304 - Jamie, don't. - See? 1681 01:22:15,430 --> 01:22:16,847 Jesus Christ! 1682 01:22:16,973 --> 01:22:18,390 Fuck, Jamie. 1683 01:22:18,516 --> 01:22:21,352 You see how...angry I am with the... 1684 01:22:21,478 --> 01:22:26,231 piece of office equipment that leaked this document? 1685 01:22:26,358 --> 01:22:27,274 Huh? 1686 01:22:27,400 --> 01:22:28,609 Michael. 1687 01:22:28,735 --> 01:22:33,864 Can you even imagine how angry I am with the person who leaked it, can you? 1688 01:22:33,990 --> 01:22:37,034 - That's really...expensive, Jamie. - Can you, Suzy? 1689 01:22:37,160 --> 01:22:39,495 Jamie, it was me. 1690 01:22:39,621 --> 01:22:42,706 Oh, don't come over all fucking Spartacus on us now. 1691 01:22:42,832 --> 01:22:44,541 - I leaked it. - What are you doing? 1692 01:22:44,668 --> 01:22:46,543 No, hang on, hang on. For a start... 1693 01:22:46,670 --> 01:22:48,629 turn that fucking racket off! 1694 01:22:48,755 --> 01:22:50,881 - Turn it off. - It's just vowels. 1695 01:22:51,883 --> 01:22:55,052 Subsidised foreign fucking vowels. 1696 01:22:56,054 --> 01:22:59,723 The only reason you listen to this shit is because it's bad form 1697 01:22:59,849 --> 01:23:02,226 to actually wear a hat that says, 1698 01:23:02,352 --> 01:23:04,228 "I went to private school." 1699 01:23:04,354 --> 01:23:05,896 So, tell me now, right. 1700 01:23:06,022 --> 01:23:08,357 - Who did you leak it to? - I just sent it. 1701 01:23:08,483 --> 01:23:10,901 I read it, I thought it was important, so I sent it. 1702 01:23:11,027 --> 01:23:13,445 Good. Fine. See that fax? 1703 01:23:13,571 --> 01:23:14,488 Yes. 1704 01:23:14,614 --> 01:23:16,240 That is your career. 1705 01:23:17,033 --> 01:23:20,244 And I think it might be fucked, but let's just check. 1706 01:23:21,246 --> 01:23:23,330 Yeah, yeah, it's pretty fucked. 1707 01:23:23,456 --> 01:23:25,457 Now, I hope you can play the spoons. 1708 01:23:25,583 --> 01:23:28,585 You're too old to go back to being a gentleman's fluffer. 1709 01:23:29,754 --> 01:23:31,755 Simon? Simon. 1710 01:23:31,881 --> 01:23:34,675 Congratulations. I didn't think you had it in you. 1711 01:23:34,801 --> 01:23:35,718 Hi. 1712 01:23:35,844 --> 01:23:37,886 - This is great, Simon. - He's resigning. 1713 01:23:38,013 --> 01:23:40,097 - Have you seen it? It's a good picture. - Oh. 1714 01:23:40,223 --> 01:23:42,599 - They're running with that? - In a very big way. 1715 01:23:42,726 --> 01:23:44,393 I didn't say that. 1716 01:23:44,519 --> 01:23:45,436 What? 1717 01:23:45,562 --> 01:23:47,730 - What? - You're not resigning? 1718 01:23:47,856 --> 01:23:49,773 Are you still playing the hawk? 1719 01:23:49,899 --> 01:23:53,193 In a way, it's... I'm playing a much cleverer game than that. 1720 01:23:53,319 --> 01:23:54,528 I'm a... 1721 01:23:54,654 --> 01:23:56,447 I'm a fake hawk. 1722 01:23:57,449 --> 01:23:58,741 A what? 1723 01:23:59,576 --> 01:24:01,160 A fake hawk. 1724 01:24:02,704 --> 01:24:04,288 You're an idiot. 1725 01:24:05,373 --> 01:24:07,583 Or are you being a fake idiot? 1726 01:24:08,460 --> 01:24:12,629 So, we float it, anyway, tell the press that he confirmed to us he's resigning. 1727 01:24:12,756 --> 01:24:14,506 - That's what we'll do, then. - What? 1728 01:24:14,632 --> 01:24:17,301 - It's decided, then. - Sorry. No, it bloody isn't. 1729 01:24:17,427 --> 01:24:18,844 I'm me. OK? 1730 01:24:18,970 --> 01:24:20,763 You're not me. 1731 01:24:21,765 --> 01:24:24,975 I decide about all the main things about me. 1732 01:24:25,101 --> 01:24:26,810 - Not any more. - Not you, me. 1733 01:24:26,936 --> 01:24:32,149 Simon, the only thing that we can do to influence events now is to resign. 1734 01:24:32,275 --> 01:24:33,609 That's it, OK? 1735 01:24:33,735 --> 01:24:36,361 - Sacrifice ourselves. - Like a suicide bomber? 1736 01:24:36,488 --> 01:24:40,407 No, not like suicide bomber. A suicide bomber makes a decision. 1737 01:24:48,541 --> 01:24:50,167 Are you OK? 1738 01:24:51,586 --> 01:24:54,046 I'm thinking of becoming a suicide bomber. 1739 01:24:55,006 --> 01:24:56,006 Right. 1740 01:24:57,008 --> 01:24:58,842 - Would you like a mint? - No. 1741 01:24:58,968 --> 01:25:03,889 They're really not that good for the teeth, you know, rots them slowly. 1742 01:25:04,015 --> 01:25:06,058 - Do you like me, Judy? 1743 01:25:08,019 --> 01:25:10,521 Well...you're my boss, you know. 1744 01:25:10,647 --> 01:25:12,439 But do you really like me? 1745 01:25:14,192 --> 01:25:15,651 Yeah. 1746 01:25:16,694 --> 01:25:19,696 I'll... I'll just leave you to your thoughts. 1747 01:25:19,823 --> 01:25:20,697 OK? 1748 01:25:20,824 --> 01:25:22,866 I haven't got any thoughts. 1749 01:25:24,536 --> 01:25:26,787 I'm just staring vacantly into space. 1750 01:25:27,872 --> 01:25:30,457 While a distant voice in the back of my head goes, 1751 01:25:30,583 --> 01:25:32,000 "Oh, shit", 1752 01:25:32,127 --> 01:25:34,628 like a car alarm, in the middle of the night. 1753 01:25:36,422 --> 01:25:38,298 Why? Has Jamie been round? 1754 01:25:38,424 --> 01:25:40,884 - Because he's... - This is you, isn't it? 1755 01:25:41,010 --> 01:25:44,638 Suzy, can I phone you back in a few minutes for a further bollocking? 1756 01:25:44,764 --> 01:25:46,473 I'll just deal with this one here. 1757 01:25:46,599 --> 01:25:49,810 I have got something really, really big in my career lined up for me 1758 01:25:49,936 --> 01:25:52,396 and you're going to fuck it up because of this leak. 1759 01:25:52,522 --> 01:25:54,439 What did you...? What would be fucked up? 1760 01:25:54,566 --> 01:25:57,025 Chad, I don't need to tell you anything. 1761 01:25:57,152 --> 01:25:58,610 I want to tell you a story. 1762 01:25:58,736 --> 01:26:00,904 When the Titanic went down, there were lifeboats. 1763 01:26:01,030 --> 01:26:04,283 They had extra room on them and there were people in the water. 1764 01:26:04,409 --> 01:26:07,286 Some people on the boats just wanted room to stretch their legs, 1765 01:26:07,412 --> 01:26:10,289 but people in the water froze and that was on their conscience. 1766 01:26:10,415 --> 01:26:13,250 You talk entirely in parables. You're like a crap Jesus. 1767 01:26:13,376 --> 01:26:16,253 Tread lightly. OK? You are fucking with the wrong person. 1768 01:26:16,379 --> 01:26:18,922 - Oh, really? - Yes. I've got this town on lockdown. 1769 01:26:19,048 --> 01:26:20,757 We're both and so... 1770 01:26:20,884 --> 01:26:22,593 - Fuck you all. - A common enemy. 1771 01:26:22,719 --> 01:26:23,427 Hello. 1772 01:26:23,553 --> 01:26:24,469 Hello! 1773 01:26:24,596 --> 01:26:26,054 Hello, Paul. 1774 01:26:26,181 --> 01:26:29,892 - Guess what's happened to my wall? - Could you hold on just a second? 1775 01:26:30,018 --> 01:26:32,436 The Vice President's... Doesn't matter. 1776 01:26:33,521 --> 01:26:35,522 Of America. Yes. That one. 1777 01:26:37,609 --> 01:26:40,569 So, we're getting a little close to the wire, Mr Tucker. 1778 01:26:40,695 --> 01:26:42,446 Where is that intel, huh? 1779 01:26:42,572 --> 01:26:44,698 What sort of intel have you rustled up? 1780 01:26:44,824 --> 01:26:46,950 - Ah, the smoking intel? - Yeah. 1781 01:26:47,076 --> 01:26:48,952 Well, honestly, I haven't got it. 1782 01:26:49,078 --> 01:26:50,996 You haven't got it? 1783 01:26:51,122 --> 01:26:52,789 All right. OK. 1784 01:26:52,916 --> 01:26:56,376 Well, then, can you delay the vote? It'd give you the time to get it. 1785 01:26:56,502 --> 01:26:58,128 I've just had it brought forward. 1786 01:27:00,965 --> 01:27:03,133 Sorry, I'm just erm...getting my mints. 1787 01:27:04,302 --> 01:27:06,678 I am telling you, delay the vote 1788 01:27:06,804 --> 01:27:12,142 and make yourself some time to get the intel, because I need it, my friend. 1789 01:27:12,268 --> 01:27:14,311 Hey. OK. Just a quick reality check here, 1790 01:27:14,437 --> 01:27:16,730 J Edgar Fucking Hoover, I don't work for you. 1791 01:27:16,856 --> 01:27:19,024 You don't fucking tell me what to do. 1792 01:27:19,150 --> 01:27:21,652 OK. Firstly, don't raise your voice. 1793 01:27:21,778 --> 01:27:23,695 This is a sacred place. 1794 01:27:23,821 --> 01:27:26,949 Now, you may not believe that and I may not believe that, 1795 01:27:27,075 --> 01:27:29,034 but, by God, it's a useful hypocrisy. 1796 01:27:29,160 --> 01:27:31,119 And, secondarily, 1797 01:27:31,246 --> 01:27:35,832 I believe your Prime Minister has instructed you to work for me. 1798 01:27:37,502 --> 01:27:39,211 Take your sweeties and fuck off. 1799 01:27:40,213 --> 01:27:42,339 Oh, the great Malcolm Tucker. 1800 01:27:42,465 --> 01:27:45,342 One of your guys leaks a paper. You can't do anything. 1801 01:27:45,468 --> 01:27:48,428 Huh? We tell you to get some intel. You can't do anything. 1802 01:27:48,554 --> 01:27:51,640 I need you to move the vote back. You can't do anything. 1803 01:27:51,766 --> 01:27:54,393 I am afraid you are nothing but a useless piece of 1804 01:27:54,519 --> 01:27:56,979 S star-star T. 1805 01:27:58,189 --> 01:28:00,065 What the fuck do you want? 1806 01:28:00,191 --> 01:28:01,608 Erm...sorry, I... 1807 01:28:01,734 --> 01:28:05,529 I've just heard that the constituency wall has started to collapse. 1808 01:28:05,655 --> 01:28:08,991 A brick's fallen out. Well, that's the news I'm getting, at the moment. 1809 01:28:09,117 --> 01:28:10,742 There'll be more to follow. 1810 01:28:10,868 --> 01:28:12,536 News and bricks. 1811 01:28:12,662 --> 01:28:16,039 My God, that sounds important. Take care of that, Mr Tucker. Yes? 1812 01:28:16,165 --> 01:28:17,874 I think that's more your speed. 1813 01:28:18,001 --> 01:28:22,379 I can see you, with your shirt off and a wheelbarrow, whistling a happy tune. 1814 01:28:22,505 --> 01:28:23,922 Get on that. 1815 01:28:28,386 --> 01:28:29,886 You work for him? 1816 01:28:30,888 --> 01:28:33,473 This is very fucking complicated stuff. 1817 01:28:33,599 --> 01:28:35,392 After the vote... 1818 01:28:36,394 --> 01:28:37,853 .. I resign. 1819 01:28:37,979 --> 01:28:39,396 Oh, fuck off! 1820 01:28:39,522 --> 01:28:40,605 Resigning? 1821 01:28:40,732 --> 01:28:42,399 How fucking impressive! 1822 01:28:42,525 --> 01:28:46,653 Resign. The horse has bolted. It's out there now. It's getting fucking shot! 1823 01:28:46,779 --> 01:28:48,405 I'll see you later, Malcolm. 1824 01:28:49,949 --> 01:28:51,074 You... 1825 01:28:51,200 --> 01:28:52,743 You repeat... 1826 01:28:52,869 --> 01:28:55,245 one word of what you have heard here 1827 01:28:55,371 --> 01:28:58,874 and I'm going to fucking take your leg off... I'll fucking... 1828 01:29:00,668 --> 01:29:02,127 The shin bone. 1829 01:29:02,253 --> 01:29:05,797 I'm going to take the shin bone, I'm going to break it in two 1830 01:29:05,923 --> 01:29:09,926 and I'm going to fucking stab you to fucking death with it, right? 1831 01:29:10,053 --> 01:29:11,595 So, just... just... 1832 01:29:11,721 --> 01:29:13,013 go away. 1833 01:29:13,139 --> 01:29:14,598 Go away. 1834 01:29:28,821 --> 01:29:30,697 Hi. BBC News Desk, please. 1835 01:29:30,823 --> 01:29:32,449 Malcolm Tucker. 1836 01:29:33,451 --> 01:29:34,826 Hi, Ben. 1837 01:29:34,952 --> 01:29:38,663 Listen, I hear that you might be preparing a story that we might not like. 1838 01:29:38,790 --> 01:29:40,165 - Yeah, please. - Ow! 1839 01:29:40,291 --> 01:29:44,127 I just wanted to say, please, this garden-wall story, don't run with that. 1840 01:29:44,253 --> 01:29:45,170 Ow! 1841 01:29:45,296 --> 01:29:47,631 Simon Foster's constituency office wall. 1842 01:29:47,757 --> 01:29:49,674 That's what you've got, haven't you? 1843 01:29:49,801 --> 01:29:52,511 Oh, shit. I haven't let the cat out of the bag, have I? 1844 01:29:52,637 --> 01:29:55,847 Please, don't run with that. My reputation will be in tatters. 1845 01:29:55,973 --> 01:29:58,058 - Ow! - And he is gone! 1846 01:29:58,184 --> 01:30:00,310 My hand is really quite badly scalded now. 1847 01:30:00,436 --> 01:30:03,480 I know it was you who leaked Linton's war committee. 1848 01:30:03,606 --> 01:30:05,649 Oh. Right. Erm... 1849 01:30:07,652 --> 01:30:09,486 - It wasn't. - It wasn't? 1850 01:30:09,612 --> 01:30:10,821 That's what you'll say 1851 01:30:10,947 --> 01:30:15,450 when they fly you to Diego Garcia and carry out a cavity search? 1852 01:30:17,078 --> 01:30:18,745 I don't actually recall. 1853 01:30:18,871 --> 01:30:20,789 It was a very busy time. 1854 01:30:20,915 --> 01:30:22,499 That's better. OK. 1855 01:30:22,625 --> 01:30:25,001 I am putting you on a probationary period 1856 01:30:25,128 --> 01:30:28,171 from today, until the end of recorded time. 1857 01:30:28,297 --> 01:30:30,173 - All right. - Do you understand? 1858 01:30:30,299 --> 01:30:32,008 - Yes. - You're my guy now. Right? 1859 01:30:32,135 --> 01:30:36,388 I own you. You are my Kunta Kinte. Go and get your fucking laptop. 1860 01:30:38,558 --> 01:30:42,144 Mr Ambassador, with your big, baldy head, you are spoiling us! A word? 1861 01:30:42,270 --> 01:30:43,854 Excuse us, just for a second. 1862 01:30:43,980 --> 01:30:48,775 I'm pleased to be able to tell you that, by some huge effort on my behalf, 1863 01:30:48,901 --> 01:30:52,863 I've brought your vote forward by an hour and a half. Say "thank you". 1864 01:30:52,989 --> 01:30:55,949 - Great. Well, I need it delayed now. - Very funny. 1865 01:30:56,075 --> 01:30:57,659 By an hour, at least. 1866 01:30:57,785 --> 01:31:01,663 Well, actually, two and a half hours, now that you've brought it forward. 1867 01:31:01,789 --> 01:31:05,709 No. I will not put myself through that humiliation again. I'm just not doing it. 1868 01:31:07,044 --> 01:31:10,380 Right. What can I say? Erm... 1869 01:31:10,506 --> 01:31:14,092 Ah, right, Frank and Nancy Sinatra. I've got good news for you. 1870 01:31:14,218 --> 01:31:17,304 You're not fired. That's great news, isn't it? 1871 01:31:17,430 --> 01:31:20,891 - Well, it sounds ominous. - We want to get Liza Weld's PWIP PIP 1872 01:31:21,017 --> 01:31:24,561 out there properly, in the public domain. 1873 01:31:24,687 --> 01:31:26,646 We just need to refine it a bit. 1874 01:31:26,772 --> 01:31:28,857 - What do you want to refine? - Just mess it up. 1875 01:31:28,983 --> 01:31:31,735 Move the paragraphs. Change the name of the main informant. 1876 01:31:31,861 --> 01:31:35,447 - Well, that's a complete fabrication. - Changing his name doesn't matter. 1877 01:31:35,573 --> 01:31:38,450 Do you think he's really called Ice Man? Huh? 1878 01:31:38,576 --> 01:31:41,411 "To Mr and Mrs Man, a son... Ice." 1879 01:31:41,537 --> 01:31:44,748 - So, change it to another name. # Sonata for Violin and Piano 1880 01:31:44,874 --> 01:31:46,958 What's the name of the fuck with the fiddle? 1881 01:31:47,084 --> 01:31:48,919 - This happens to be Debussy. - Debussy. 1882 01:31:49,045 --> 01:31:52,255 - Well, we'll change it to Debussy, then. - No, we will not! 1883 01:31:52,381 --> 01:31:55,091 Now, your prints are gonna be all over this, Michael, 1884 01:31:55,218 --> 01:31:57,969 but that's the only way you can save your job, you leaky fuck. 1885 01:31:58,095 --> 01:31:59,888 - Don't make me do this. - It wasn't him. 1886 01:32:00,014 --> 01:32:03,808 Somebody must have come in there and used the fax machine. 1887 01:32:03,935 --> 01:32:05,810 - It could have been anyone. - Fax machine? 1888 01:32:05,937 --> 01:32:09,022 Ah, no! Don't worry about that. 1889 01:32:09,148 --> 01:32:11,233 No, I made that up. 1890 01:32:11,359 --> 01:32:13,777 No, the document was leaked by e-mail. 1891 01:32:13,903 --> 01:32:16,780 It's just, the fax machine was there, and it's easier to kick. 1892 01:32:16,906 --> 01:32:19,199 Come on, Thick White Duke! 1893 01:32:19,325 --> 01:32:21,826 - Don't shout at... - Come with me. 1894 01:32:21,953 --> 01:32:24,788 Right, OK. Is it up? Have you got it up? 1895 01:32:24,914 --> 01:32:26,456 Yeah, it's all fine. 1896 01:32:26,582 --> 01:32:29,000 OK. Cut the top paragraph and paste it into page 5. 1897 01:32:29,126 --> 01:32:30,502 Right, yeah, we've done it. 1898 01:32:30,628 --> 01:32:33,004 Page 6 - get rid of the footnotes. 1899 01:32:33,130 --> 01:32:34,256 Done. 1900 01:32:34,382 --> 01:32:36,716 - Go to page 9. - Go to page 9. 1901 01:32:36,842 --> 01:32:39,678 Highlight from that page to the end of the document. 1902 01:32:39,804 --> 01:32:42,472 - Go on, do it. - The caveats? 1903 01:32:42,598 --> 01:32:45,183 - OK. Delete. - Right, OK, we're doing it. Delete it. 1904 01:32:45,309 --> 01:32:48,937 You can't delete the arguments against the war. 1905 01:32:49,063 --> 01:32:52,649 Oh. There's a shake of the head here, Malc. I think he's crashed. 1906 01:32:52,775 --> 01:32:54,442 Give him a thump - that usually works. 1907 01:32:54,569 --> 01:32:56,528 Let me try a wee bit of manual override. 1908 01:32:56,654 --> 01:33:00,657 Let's see if it is possible to delete the arguments against the war. 1909 01:33:00,783 --> 01:33:03,535 Hey! You could delete it, after all. It's done. 1910 01:33:03,661 --> 01:33:05,662 Great. Now, attach that to an e-mail. 1911 01:33:05,788 --> 01:33:07,289 Yes, done it. Done it. 1912 01:33:07,415 --> 01:33:09,332 Let's find a printer. 1913 01:33:09,458 --> 01:33:12,043 - Right. - The Japanese. They'll have a printer. 1914 01:33:13,045 --> 01:33:15,505 - Well, we can't just present it like this. - No, we can't. 1915 01:33:15,631 --> 01:33:17,757 Go and get me a blue folder. 1916 01:33:17,883 --> 01:33:19,968 - Well, OK. Where from? - I don't know. 1917 01:33:20,094 --> 01:33:24,180 Do I look like I've ever set foot in a fucking stationery cupboard? I do my all my shagging in five-star hotels. 1918 01:33:24,307 --> 01:33:26,349 Just take out all the conditionals. 1919 01:33:26,475 --> 01:33:31,062 Like, "might" becomes... Instead of "might have found", "have found". OK? 1920 01:33:35,109 --> 01:33:37,902 Be audacious. Just re-write the whole damn thing. 1921 01:33:39,196 --> 01:33:40,196 Ohh... 1922 01:33:40,323 --> 01:33:42,866 - Declarative sentences - that's what I want. 1923 01:33:42,992 --> 01:33:44,868 - Take 'em all out. - Linton, come here. 1924 01:33:44,994 --> 01:33:47,746 - What is it? - The intel your guys couldn't find. 1925 01:33:47,872 --> 01:33:49,914 Yeah? 1926 01:33:53,544 --> 01:33:58,131 I think that I am owed a massive, grovelling apology. 1927 01:33:58,257 --> 01:34:01,092 Congratulations, huh? 1928 01:34:01,218 --> 01:34:03,261 Maybe they'll give you a knighthood. 1929 01:34:04,263 --> 01:34:05,930 A pleasure doing business with you. 1930 01:34:06,057 --> 01:34:08,933 You know, I've come across a lot of psychos... 1931 01:34:09,060 --> 01:34:12,312 but none as fucking boring as you. 1932 01:34:12,438 --> 01:34:15,482 I mean, you are a real, boring fuck. 1933 01:34:15,608 --> 01:34:18,943 - Sorry. I know that you disapprove of swearing. - No, that's all right. 1934 01:34:19,070 --> 01:34:25,450 So, I'll sort that out. You are a boring F star-star cunt. 1935 01:34:29,038 --> 01:34:31,539 - Are we pretty much... - Everything as you requested. 1936 01:34:31,666 --> 01:34:34,084 Fine. Good. Ah, welcome aboard, Liza. 1937 01:34:35,294 --> 01:34:37,754 I will make this brief and to the point. 1938 01:34:37,880 --> 01:34:41,299 We're gonna go in, we're going to state our case, 1939 01:34:41,425 --> 01:34:44,844 with new British intelligence from source Debussy, 1940 01:34:44,970 --> 01:34:47,764 we win the argument, we get the hell out. All right? 1941 01:34:47,890 --> 01:34:51,976 Resolution 2238 is passed. 1942 01:34:52,978 --> 01:34:55,313 - Yeah. That's that, then. 1943 01:34:56,357 --> 01:34:57,273 Yeah? 1944 01:34:57,400 --> 01:35:00,443 Jolly good. "That's that, then," is your line for the ages, is it? 1945 01:35:00,569 --> 01:35:01,945 What? 1946 01:35:03,030 --> 01:35:05,615 Well, I remember, the day that war was declared, 1947 01:35:05,741 --> 01:35:08,618 I turned to the Minister, and he said... 1948 01:35:08,744 --> 01:35:12,122 "That's that, then. Anyone want a mint?" 1949 01:35:12,248 --> 01:35:14,290 Piss off, Toby. 1950 01:35:16,043 --> 01:35:19,170 - How long before British troops... - Well done, Michael. 1951 01:35:19,296 --> 01:35:22,632 You did a really, really, really good job. 1952 01:35:23,676 --> 01:35:25,635 Oh, for fuck's sake, don't cry. 1953 01:35:28,180 --> 01:35:31,391 I e-mailed my resignation five minutes ago. 1954 01:35:31,517 --> 01:35:35,228 And yours should come pretty soon, for the biggest media impact. 1955 01:35:35,354 --> 01:35:37,063 - I've been thinking. - Yeah? 1956 01:35:38,691 --> 01:35:41,568 This has been the hardest political decision of my career. 1957 01:35:42,570 --> 01:35:44,904 I'm not going to resign. 1958 01:35:45,030 --> 01:35:47,991 Huh! What the fuck, George? 1959 01:35:48,117 --> 01:35:50,118 Before the war, I was going to resign, 1960 01:35:50,244 --> 01:35:54,330 but now that there's a war on... I can't resign. 1961 01:35:54,457 --> 01:35:58,126 You said that this was intolerable. You said we would go together. 1962 01:35:58,252 --> 01:36:01,337 It is intolerable, but I'm going to have to tolerate it. 1963 01:36:01,464 --> 01:36:04,340 And I still agree with myself on that. 1964 01:36:04,467 --> 01:36:07,010 But my loyalty is to the kids. I am a soldier. 1965 01:36:07,136 --> 01:36:09,095 You're not a soldier. 1966 01:36:10,389 --> 01:36:12,640 - I've been a soldier my whole life. - Yeah? 1967 01:36:12,767 --> 01:36:15,018 What do you mean, I'm not a soldier? I'm a soldier. 1968 01:36:15,144 --> 01:36:17,854 Look at the uniform - you think I'm one of the Village People? 1969 01:36:17,980 --> 01:36:20,857 When did you shoot a guy last? 1970 01:36:20,983 --> 01:36:23,693 Oh, not shooting someone in 15 years means I'm not a soldier? 1971 01:36:23,819 --> 01:36:26,905 You know, the Army doesn't make you drag some bloody corpse 1972 01:36:27,031 --> 01:36:30,450 into the Pentagon every five years, to renew your "soldier's licence". 1973 01:36:30,576 --> 01:36:34,662 It's unnecessary! And if you were a good general, you'd have some balls! 1974 01:36:34,789 --> 01:36:37,457 Look, shut up about my balls. My balls have been around. 1975 01:36:37,583 --> 01:36:39,959 You've got no idea where my balls have been. 1976 01:36:40,085 --> 01:36:43,046 I can talk about your balls all you want, cos I remember when... 1977 01:36:43,172 --> 01:36:46,424 Oh, I fucked you once 20 years ago, and I never hear the end of it! 1978 01:36:46,550 --> 01:36:50,553 Every time we're together, I hear this shit. I don't even remember it! 1979 01:36:50,679 --> 01:36:53,473 Come on, Chad. We have to draft resignation announcements. 1980 01:36:53,599 --> 01:36:56,768 Actually, I think I might stay with the General, if that's OK. 1981 01:36:56,894 --> 01:37:00,730 If he's staying, I might stay with him, see what assistance I can furnish. 1982 01:37:00,856 --> 01:37:04,400 OK...General Shrek and his faithful, talking donkey. 1983 01:37:04,527 --> 01:37:06,778 - That was nice. - OK, well done. 1984 01:37:06,904 --> 01:37:09,739 - What are you sticking around for? - Well, to let you know 1985 01:37:09,865 --> 01:37:11,908 that I think you've got... 1986 01:37:12,952 --> 01:37:14,744 ..big balls... 1987 01:37:14,870 --> 01:37:19,082 - It's like...two-thirds of the snowman. - Dear God. 1988 01:37:21,001 --> 01:37:23,002 - We did it, Bob, huh? - Yes, we did, sir. 1989 01:37:23,128 --> 01:37:25,505 There were a few moments where it got a little hairy. 1990 01:37:25,631 --> 01:37:27,090 No, there weren't. 1991 01:37:29,802 --> 01:37:31,886 No, no, no, Simon. No, no, listen. 1992 01:37:32,012 --> 01:37:34,472 Hey, hey, hey. Look, look, look. No, no, no. 1993 01:37:37,643 --> 01:37:40,520 - You still don't need to resign. - I do. 1994 01:37:40,646 --> 01:37:42,522 I'm resigning in an hour, 1995 01:37:42,648 --> 01:37:45,483 and there's nothing you can do about it now. 1996 01:37:45,609 --> 01:37:47,694 - Boss... - Yes? 1997 01:37:47,820 --> 01:37:50,780 Erm... it's all over the BBC News websites. 1998 01:37:50,906 --> 01:37:54,117 Partial collapse of the wall. Mrs Michaelson's greenhouse. 1999 01:37:54,243 --> 01:37:55,994 Obviously, a pane's been smashed. 2000 01:37:56,120 --> 01:37:58,496 The BBC must have had a crew down there. 2001 01:37:58,622 --> 01:38:00,999 God, how ridiculous! 2002 01:38:01,125 --> 01:38:03,167 And that's news? 2003 01:38:04,211 --> 01:38:06,170 It's not ridiculous. 2004 01:38:06,297 --> 01:38:09,716 It's not ridiculous at all... You're fired. 2005 01:38:10,801 --> 01:38:12,719 What? 2006 01:38:12,845 --> 01:38:16,180 Over the wall - I mean, that's just not tolerable. 2007 01:38:16,307 --> 01:38:19,309 It's a fucking wall, Malcolm. 2008 01:38:19,435 --> 01:38:21,185 Look. Give me the paper. 2009 01:38:21,312 --> 01:38:25,607 The Telegraph has a cartoon of you teetering on the Great Wall of China, 2010 01:38:25,733 --> 01:38:28,818 suggesting you are the only political fuck-up visible from space. 2011 01:38:28,944 --> 01:38:31,404 Look at this. Look at it. 2012 01:38:31,530 --> 01:38:33,573 No-one could survive this. 2013 01:38:34,533 --> 01:38:38,161 The PM's very clear about this. You're sacked - over the wall. 2014 01:38:38,287 --> 01:38:40,371 - No. - Yes! 2015 01:38:40,497 --> 01:38:44,417 No. You-You-You haven't even spoken to the Prime Minister. 2016 01:38:44,543 --> 01:38:45,835 I-I-I have. 2017 01:38:45,961 --> 01:38:48,671 You fucking haven't! I've been here in front of you. 2018 01:38:48,797 --> 01:38:52,884 I have spoken to the PM. Whether it happenedor not is irrelevant. It is true. 2019 01:38:53,010 --> 01:38:56,554 And he was very clear - you've got to go. 2020 01:38:59,183 --> 01:39:00,934 Ha! 2021 01:39:02,770 --> 01:39:05,063 If you think I'm going quietly, Malcolm... 2022 01:39:06,899 --> 01:39:08,858 ..you've... you've made a mistake. 2023 01:39:08,984 --> 01:39:12,111 Well, if you want to turn this into some anti-war protest, 2024 01:39:12,237 --> 01:39:16,199 expect to hear your "mountain of conflict" sound-bite everywhere. 2025 01:39:16,325 --> 01:39:20,620 From ring-tones to fucking... a dance mix on YouTube. 2026 01:39:20,746 --> 01:39:25,833 And I will marshal all the media forces of darkness, 2027 01:39:25,960 --> 01:39:28,294 to hound you to an assisted suicide. 2028 01:39:29,546 --> 01:39:33,049 Right-ho. Let's just go and draft your... "Dear Prime Minster, 2029 01:39:33,175 --> 01:39:37,011 Just a quick note to say, 'Thanks for giving me the sack,"' letter. 2030 01:39:39,014 --> 01:39:41,140 Off we trot. 2031 01:39:41,266 --> 01:39:43,309 Come on, young Simon. 2032 01:39:54,488 --> 01:39:57,949 Erm...General Miller...sorry. I know this is an awkward time to be... 2033 01:39:58,075 --> 01:40:00,159 Go fuck yourself, Frodo. 2034 01:40:00,285 --> 01:40:02,161 OK. 2035 01:40:02,287 --> 01:40:04,455 You can fuck off yourself, then. 2036 01:40:10,963 --> 01:40:14,132 - Are you hanging, Chad? - Just... hanging. 2037 01:40:14,258 --> 01:40:17,677 - Wanna play some Facebook chess? - Yes, ma'am. 2038 01:40:17,803 --> 01:40:20,179 Just get away from the wall! What are you doing? 2039 01:40:20,305 --> 01:40:21,931 I just want a photo near the wall. 2040 01:40:22,057 --> 01:40:25,977 Yeah, you can go back another 12 inches. No, a bit further. 2041 01:40:26,103 --> 01:40:28,479 - There? - Stop there! 2042 01:40:28,605 --> 01:40:30,314 Check. 2043 01:40:30,441 --> 01:40:32,400 I haven't touched it. 2044 01:40:32,526 --> 01:40:36,487 - I made a move for you, which is the best move possible, and it's still... 2045 01:40:36,613 --> 01:40:39,824 - You might be Secretary of State some day, young man. 2046 01:40:40,701 --> 01:40:42,952 - You... Don't say that if you don't mean that. 2047 01:40:43,078 --> 01:40:48,124 - When, you know, all of this shit is over, maybe, you know... 2048 01:40:48,250 --> 01:40:51,627 You're a woman... I'm not a woman. 2049 01:40:54,298 --> 01:40:56,257 You wanna have sex again? 2050 01:40:57,342 --> 01:40:59,761 Well, would it be such a terrible idea? 2051 01:40:59,887 --> 01:41:01,929 You know - one more. 2052 01:41:02,056 --> 01:41:04,307 "One more for the Gipper." 2053 01:41:04,433 --> 01:41:07,310 Well, I don't want to be accused of micro-managing, 2054 01:41:07,436 --> 01:41:11,564 but I cannot understand why "I Heart Huckabees" 2055 01:41:11,690 --> 01:41:16,486 is on a list of DVDs considered suitable for armed-forces entertainment. 2056 01:41:16,612 --> 01:41:21,991 That self-indulgent crap is not suitable for combat troops. 2057 01:41:22,117 --> 01:41:25,536 I've got a selection of the quotations here for you. 2058 01:41:25,662 --> 01:41:29,040 I mean, they're all local building firms. Much of a muchness. 2059 01:41:29,166 --> 01:41:31,459 You know, to sort out the boundary wall. 2060 01:41:31,585 --> 01:41:34,712 But the... this septic tank... 2061 01:41:34,838 --> 01:41:37,590 That is rearing its pooey head again. 2062 01:41:37,716 --> 01:41:38,549 Yes. 2063 01:41:38,675 --> 01:41:42,470 I just got off the phone with Linton, who proceeded to bitch me out, 2064 01:41:42,596 --> 01:41:46,390 for allowing "I Heart Huckabees" on the troops' DVD roster. 2065 01:41:46,517 --> 01:41:49,852 Yeah. You know that phrase, "I'm too old for this shit"? 2066 01:41:49,978 --> 01:41:52,230 Well, I'm too young for this shit. You know? 2067 01:41:52,356 --> 01:41:55,525 - Here's the new Minister. - Malcolm! 2068 01:41:55,651 --> 01:41:57,568 - There she is. - Ladies and gentlemen. 2069 01:41:57,694 --> 01:42:00,530 - Look at you! - Thank you. Thank you. How touching. 2070 01:42:00,656 --> 01:42:03,157 - Minister, how are you doing? - Very well indeed. 2071 01:42:03,283 --> 01:42:06,035 - You've lost some weight. - Hello. Judy Molloy. 2072 01:42:06,161 --> 01:42:10,164 - Nice to meet you. This is Dan. - Danny. Dan. Special Advisor. 2073 01:42:10,290 --> 01:42:12,625 - Danny Dan? - War seems to be going great guns. 2074 01:42:12,751 --> 01:42:16,170 - Oh, very cheeky! Very cheeky. - Judy, have I got a desk out here? 2075 01:42:16,296 --> 01:42:19,882 - Careful. There's blood on the deck. - Er...yeah, sure. You can use that one. 2076 01:42:20,008 --> 01:42:23,803 - How about this? You can't get better than this. Very glamorous. 2077 01:42:23,929 --> 01:42:26,889 - It's a side-step from my previous job, but that's fine. 2078 01:42:27,015 --> 01:42:29,517 I think there's a wee bit of brains there. 2079 01:42:29,643 --> 01:42:31,602 It's the only brains that he had, actually. 2080 01:42:31,728 --> 01:42:34,063 Nice to meet you, Dan. Where did you go to school? 2081 01:42:34,189 --> 01:42:37,316 - Erm...just a school in Jersey. - In Jersey? 2082 01:42:37,442 --> 01:42:39,193 - Is that actually Britain? - Yeah. 2083 01:42:39,319 --> 01:42:43,072 - I'm sorry, but I've been standing here for 20 minutes... 2084 01:45:24,818 --> 01:45:26,777 Let's see you. 2085 01:45:26,903 --> 01:45:31,782 Look at the hair on this. Who let this woman out with fucking hair like this, 2086 01:45:31,908 --> 01:45:34,076 on national television? 2087 01:45:34,202 --> 01:45:37,955 You'd think she's got her finger stuck in a fucking electric socket. 2088 01:45:38,081 --> 01:45:39,790 Unbelievable.