1 00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:52,635 Thank you. 2 00:00:53,886 --> 00:00:54,887 Man! 3 00:00:55,513 --> 00:00:59,184 Let's talk about the phenomenon that is Donald Trump. 4 00:01:01,269 --> 00:01:04,898 People angry already. "What? I'll kill you!" 5 00:01:05,898 --> 00:01:08,610 "Donald Trump, okay? Donald Trump, all right?" 6 00:01:09,944 --> 00:01:11,821 I do him a little effeminate. I don't know why. 7 00:01:11,904 --> 00:01:13,281 I just do him, like, a little soft, 8 00:01:13,365 --> 00:01:18,328 little bit of lotion, little bit of ChapStick. I just do, you know. 9 00:01:18,411 --> 00:01:20,913 I mean, he's got his patented moves. You know, he's got the seal. 10 00:01:20,997 --> 00:01:22,082 That's one of his, the seal. 11 00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:24,334 "Okay, okay, okay, okay." 12 00:01:28,296 --> 00:01:31,216 The index shuffle. "Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. 13 00:01:31,299 --> 00:01:33,176 Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay." 14 00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:37,222 He's like a Batman villain if you think about it, isn't he? 15 00:01:37,305 --> 00:01:39,432 "You'll never get away with this, Trump." 16 00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:42,269 "You know... I think I will, okay?" 17 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:57,159 The thing of 2016 was that he took out Jeb Bush. He took him out. 18 00:01:57,242 --> 00:02:00,620 The Bushes, they're tough, man. They're like the "Sons of Katie Elder." 19 00:02:00,703 --> 00:02:01,788 Boomer reference. 20 00:02:02,622 --> 00:02:05,708 They're pissed, you know, 'cause Trump took him down so fast. 21 00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:09,003 He just went, "You know, you know, you know, Jeb, 22 00:02:09,086 --> 00:02:11,131 you're a low-energy individual, okay? 23 00:02:12,048 --> 00:02:16,511 You're very tired. You're very tired. You're very, very tired. 24 00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:23,810 You're tired... tired... tired." 25 00:02:23,893 --> 00:02:27,147 And I looked at Jeb Bush, and I thought, "My God, he's right!" 26 00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:31,151 He looks like a vice principal of a junior high school. 27 00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:45,540 'Cause Bush family... But you gotta admit how fun to put W, 28 00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:48,042 not Jeb but W, up against Trump. 29 00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:51,171 'Cause W... W is like... He's kinda like a street fighter. 30 00:02:51,254 --> 00:02:53,047 He's kinda... 31 00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:55,842 You know, he's kinda just itchy and kinda jumpy. 32 00:02:58,761 --> 00:03:00,179 Yeah. 33 00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:03,933 He's the only president who was, like, surfing and hitchhiking the entire time. 34 00:03:09,939 --> 00:03:12,525 I would love to see him up against Trump, 'cause Trump would be like, 35 00:03:12,609 --> 00:03:15,612 "You know, you're president because your daddy was president. That's it. 36 00:03:15,695 --> 00:03:17,405 Okay? Okay? Okay?" 37 00:03:17,488 --> 00:03:20,491 W would be like... "Yeah. 38 00:03:23,620 --> 00:03:25,663 Who does your hair? Stupidcuts? 39 00:03:33,796 --> 00:03:36,132 'Cause that thing is hair-diculous." 40 00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:45,975 An impression can be anything, in my mind. And that's my impression... 41 00:03:46,058 --> 00:03:48,728 my impression of W. Kinda like a drunk marionette. 42 00:03:52,106 --> 00:03:53,816 The thing about Trump, though, 43 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:58,112 if you agree with him, you might kinda like him on certain subjects, 44 00:03:58,195 --> 00:04:00,240 'cause he's such a blunt force instrument. 45 00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:01,658 Like, who else would you want, 46 00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:04,994 if he was afraid of global warming at a global warming conference, than Trump? 47 00:04:05,077 --> 00:04:08,498 'Cause he would be like, "You know... you know, you're stupid countries. 48 00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:11,334 You're very stupid. You're stupid, stupid countries. 49 00:04:12,669 --> 00:04:15,297 You're a disaster. You're a disaster. You're spewing stuff in the air. 50 00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:18,925 It's a disaster. It's a disaster. You're a stupid, stupid disaster. 51 00:04:19,008 --> 00:04:21,344 The whole planet's getting hot. Even the grass is hot. 52 00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:24,013 Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch... 53 00:04:26,766 --> 00:04:31,771 I will be so good with global warming. I will be so, so good with global warming. 54 00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:35,442 I will make CO2 pay for it. I promise you that. 55 00:04:38,110 --> 00:04:40,572 I know how to make glaciers. I know how to make glaciers. 56 00:04:40,655 --> 00:04:42,657 I can make a lot of glaciers, okay? 57 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:46,619 I will take all the ice from the Trump Hotels... 58 00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:48,705 It's a lot of ice. I can promise you that. 59 00:04:50,039 --> 00:04:51,833 I will put it on the Carnival cruise ships. 60 00:04:51,916 --> 00:04:53,543 They're friends of mine. I know these people." 61 00:05:04,053 --> 00:05:05,305 It's a trip, man. 62 00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:08,933 Hillary and Bill. Hillary and Bill. 63 00:05:09,934 --> 00:05:11,102 What a story. 64 00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:16,524 I feel like Bill's got a headset. He's got a microphone behind the scenes. 65 00:05:16,608 --> 00:05:19,652 "Big Dog to Little Hill. Big Dog to Little Hill. 66 00:05:21,070 --> 00:05:23,072 Come in, Little Hill. Big Dog to Little Hill. 67 00:05:23,155 --> 00:05:24,407 Come on, baby. Come on. 68 00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:27,243 Come in, Big Dog, Little Hill. Big Dog, Little Hill. 69 00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:30,747 Baby, you gotta slow down. You gotta slow down. 70 00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:34,459 You can't emphasize things that don't need emphasizing, baby. 71 00:05:34,542 --> 00:05:37,670 Now, take it easy. Here it comes. Just do it real soft-like, okay?" 72 00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:44,093 And Hillary's like... "We will do the things that we need to do 73 00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:47,513 until we don't do them... 74 00:05:48,264 --> 00:05:52,435 because we don't need to do them anymore." 75 00:05:53,561 --> 00:05:56,606 "No, baby. No, baby. Ain't working. 76 00:05:56,689 --> 00:05:59,150 Slow down, peaches and cream." 77 00:06:04,363 --> 00:06:06,824 It's just so much stuff out there. 78 00:06:07,575 --> 00:06:09,368 Obama... 79 00:06:09,452 --> 00:06:15,166 Obama was the best I'd seen, politically, of creating gravitas all the time 80 00:06:15,249 --> 00:06:16,709 because he would pause. 81 00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:20,505 He would just take his time, and it made you lean in. 82 00:06:20,588 --> 00:06:23,674 I mean, I could listen to him do nursery rhymes, 83 00:06:23,758 --> 00:06:26,511 and it would have gravitas with the way he can talk. 84 00:06:26,594 --> 00:06:30,222 He'd be like... "'Jack and Jill went up the hill... 85 00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:42,652 ...to fetch a pail of water. 86 00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:46,906 Jack fell down and broke his crown.' 87 00:06:54,121 --> 00:06:55,457 That's a teachable moment." 88 00:07:01,546 --> 00:07:03,756 "'Three blind mice. 89 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,425 Three blind mice. 90 00:07:06,050 --> 00:07:08,803 Chase a farmer's wife or cut off their tail with a knife.' 91 00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:11,848 The question you gotta ask yourself, 92 00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:14,726 'Why are these mice blind in the first place? 93 00:07:14,809 --> 00:07:17,144 What kind of healthcare program have they got?'" 94 00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:25,778 Harvard intellectual, big vocabulary. 95 00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:29,073 'Cause in a way, Bush gave birth to Obama, 96 00:07:29,156 --> 00:07:31,576 'cause Bush, for eight years, is just hearing this... 97 00:07:34,996 --> 00:07:37,123 And then it was just refreshing, that baritone. 98 00:07:37,206 --> 00:07:40,668 "This is what we're prepared to do. That's the truth. 99 00:07:41,878 --> 00:07:44,297 No, no. No, no. No, no. That's not right. 100 00:07:44,380 --> 00:07:45,673 Nope. Never. 101 00:07:45,756 --> 00:07:49,385 That's... what... we're gonna..." 102 00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:51,303 It's just a pleasant sound. 103 00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:56,392 But to try to hear Obama figure out the complexity in the Middle East, 104 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,811 it's very tough, even for him. It's like, 105 00:07:58,895 --> 00:08:02,732 "What we're continuing to do in terms of the caliphate, 106 00:08:02,815 --> 00:08:05,610 what... what our partners, our coalition, 107 00:08:05,693 --> 00:08:08,237 strategically, with air strikes, no boots on the ground, 108 00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:11,741 our intelligence, what we, the... 109 00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:17,622 What our... The northern... The Syrian rebels with a general, um... 110 00:08:17,705 --> 00:08:22,835 The effort... the effort to defeat ISIS, ISIL, Daesh, with the... 111 00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:25,462 The Ottoman Empire with the Turks. 112 00:08:27,256 --> 00:08:31,677 The Peshmerga with Netanyahu and Hamas, in terms of... 113 00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:36,182 The proxy war, Khomeini with the Saudis and the... 114 00:08:36,265 --> 00:08:39,268 The Shia, the Sunni, Putin and Assad. 115 00:08:42,730 --> 00:08:44,148 It's fucked up." 116 00:08:53,449 --> 00:08:55,535 "It's a shitstorm." 117 00:08:59,496 --> 00:09:02,875 Notice how anybody and everybody is now Hitler? 118 00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:05,211 You noticed that? They called Obama Hitler. 119 00:09:05,294 --> 00:09:08,756 They called Trump Hitler. They called Bush Hitler, you know. 120 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:11,634 And Hitler's a fascinating guy. There's only one Hitler. 121 00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:16,889 And Hitler always was animated and loud, when you'd see him in news reels. 122 00:09:16,973 --> 00:09:19,183 He's like... 123 00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:26,774 No human being can sustain that. 124 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:32,697 So, I often thought that Hitler would be just exhausted backstage. 125 00:09:33,197 --> 00:09:36,325 You know, so tired he's almost effeminate. 126 00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:41,413 And he's like really manipulative, like any man or woman of power. 127 00:09:41,497 --> 00:09:43,040 He'd be like... "Himmler. 128 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,920 Himmler, my little SS man. 129 00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:53,760 So stealthy, so secretive. 130 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:59,891 Everyone loves your haircut, but we don't know who your barber is. 131 00:10:05,897 --> 00:10:07,899 You complete me, Himmler. 132 00:10:09,441 --> 00:10:12,528 Sometimes we're at a meeting, and there is an awkward silence, 133 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,822 'What are we going to do with all these Jews?' 134 00:10:15,823 --> 00:10:19,869 And then you say, 'How about build more camps?' And I say, 'What he said.' 135 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:28,460 Send in Göring. Hello, Göring, my chubby, little Luftwaffe man. 136 00:10:30,838 --> 00:10:32,464 You're tubby, aren't you? 137 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:34,884 Don't shame yourself. 138 00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:37,136 In the future, scientists will probably determine 139 00:10:37,219 --> 00:10:40,014 that you have a genetic predisposition 140 00:10:40,097 --> 00:10:42,975 to crave processed carbohydrates, that's all. 141 00:10:45,561 --> 00:10:47,188 I have one cookie, I put it down. 142 00:10:47,271 --> 00:10:50,775 You have one cookie, your brain throws a party, you want 100 cookies. 143 00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:56,405 Goebbels and I laugh a lot, we see you at a party. 144 00:10:56,488 --> 00:10:59,158 'Look at tubby. He's dive-bombing a cookie.' 145 00:11:00,492 --> 00:11:04,872 All I'm saying is, don't blitzkrieg cinnamon toast. 146 00:11:09,501 --> 00:11:12,546 You're husky, but you're my husky, General. 147 00:11:12,629 --> 00:11:14,215 And now I'm going to take a nap." 148 00:11:14,298 --> 00:11:17,927 I don't have a final line for this bit, but that's all I'm saying right now. 149 00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:23,224 Speaking of Bernie Sanders... 150 00:11:27,729 --> 00:11:30,439 You gotta love Bernie. You gotta love Bernie. 151 00:11:30,522 --> 00:11:33,609 Bernie is what he is, what he is, what he is. 152 00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:35,403 I mean, the energy he's got. 153 00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:39,866 This is the Bernie Sanders phenomenon distilled for you. This is my impression. 154 00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:43,119 "What I'm prepared to do... 155 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:46,622 What I'm prepared to do... 156 00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:50,167 I will find people with money. 157 00:11:50,918 --> 00:11:53,379 I will take their money... 158 00:11:54,046 --> 00:11:56,715 and give it to people that don't have money." 159 00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:07,184 He's like a sleepwalking Frankenstein. 160 00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:13,733 "I will find a rich prick. 161 00:12:15,109 --> 00:12:17,444 You look like a rich prick. 162 00:12:18,487 --> 00:12:22,825 I will take your money and give it to the poor bastard sitting next to you." 163 00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:31,459 I don't know, to me... I'm a boomer, but to me, 164 00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:34,336 you know, capitalism is an Apple Store. 165 00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:37,423 Socialism is the Department of Motor Vehicles. 166 00:12:39,508 --> 00:12:42,511 And I love them Department of Motor Vehicles. 167 00:12:42,594 --> 00:12:46,098 Sweaty, pissed-off workers that can't get fired, just yelling. 168 00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:47,266 And they laugh at you. 169 00:12:49,393 --> 00:12:52,021 "You got in the wrong line, you fucking idiot." 170 00:12:57,568 --> 00:13:01,113 Then you go to an Apple Store. It's like a Stanley Kubrick film. 171 00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:04,200 "Welcome to the Apple Store. 172 00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:08,955 Do you like all of our beautiful toys? 173 00:13:11,248 --> 00:13:15,127 Are you in the market for a 2017 fully-loaded MacBook Pro 174 00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:19,632 with, wait for it, 264 gigabytes of storage? 175 00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:25,137 Or would you like to visit the Genius Bar for some mental stimulation?" 176 00:13:29,266 --> 00:13:32,895 I personally like making money in a capitalist country 177 00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:35,606 and then going to a socialist country. 178 00:13:37,149 --> 00:13:38,817 I love Italy. I love Italy because... 179 00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:41,111 too much pressure in America, man. 180 00:13:41,195 --> 00:13:43,865 You gotta do... Keep up with everybody. 181 00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:46,492 But in Italy, they don't care what you make for a living. 182 00:13:46,575 --> 00:13:47,743 You're just a person. 183 00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,703 "Relax. Have a glass of wine. 184 00:13:49,786 --> 00:13:51,830 It's Italy, all right? 185 00:13:51,914 --> 00:13:55,084 Yeah, you make a little love. You have a little wine. It's all right. 186 00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:57,044 Here, have some wine." "It's 7:00 a.m." 187 00:13:57,127 --> 00:13:58,796 "Like I said, here we go. 188 00:14:00,422 --> 00:14:01,507 Let's be honest. 189 00:14:01,590 --> 00:14:04,426 We're never going to have a space program." 190 00:14:11,475 --> 00:14:14,979 "Why go to the moon when you can sing to the moon?" 191 00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:20,276 ♪ Oh, my moon ♪ 192 00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:24,321 ♪ We're never going to go to you ♪ 193 00:14:24,405 --> 00:14:27,574 ♪ Because to go to you ♪ 194 00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:31,412 ♪ Would be way too much work ♪ 195 00:14:34,456 --> 00:14:37,251 I feel income inequality on airplanes, man. 196 00:14:37,334 --> 00:14:42,131 'Cause I have extra money, I get to ride in the pointy part of the airplane, 197 00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:44,716 and you just feel like a rich prick. 198 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,052 You're up there. 199 00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:50,222 You've got your New York Times and your champagne, a big leather seat, 200 00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:53,434 and then... and then they arrive. 201 00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:57,479 The lost masses coming through the porthole. 202 00:14:57,563 --> 00:15:01,442 Just hundreds of them, like refugees with carry-on the size of their bodies. 203 00:15:01,525 --> 00:15:05,487 "Go! Go!" 204 00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:08,199 Little girls will come up and just stare at me. 205 00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:14,038 Mothers with six kids. "Why can't we stay here, Mommy?" 206 00:15:14,121 --> 00:15:16,624 "'Cause they don't want us here. 207 00:15:17,249 --> 00:15:19,919 Get back in the shitty seats." 208 00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:22,463 "Why do they get to stay up here?" 209 00:15:22,546 --> 00:15:26,300 "'Cause they don't pay their fair share of taxes." 210 00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:34,683 There's eight of us and 300 of them. It's the most unequal thing in the world. 211 00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:38,187 That's why I like Aer Lingus, 'cause they just... this Irish airways. 212 00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:40,106 They're very equal in Ireland. 213 00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:42,358 First class and coach, it's almost identical. 214 00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:44,151 Just slightly bigger seat. 215 00:15:44,235 --> 00:15:45,444 They come on, "Well, 216 00:15:45,527 --> 00:15:47,863 if you think you're a little bit full of yourself, 217 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:51,533 I have the discretion to put you back in the tiny seats at any time." 218 00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:58,749 Have you ever gone on Aer Lingus? Ever heard of Aer Lingus? This Irish... 219 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,210 It's very cool. 220 00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:05,839 Why anybody would name their airline Aer Lingus, I can't fathom. 221 00:16:05,922 --> 00:16:09,051 Sounds vaguely pornographic, doesn't it? 222 00:16:09,134 --> 00:16:10,469 "Welcome to Aer Lingus, 223 00:16:10,552 --> 00:16:13,097 where you get a little something extra with your ticket." 224 00:16:16,183 --> 00:16:18,352 You go in, it's very humble. There's just benches. 225 00:16:18,435 --> 00:16:20,854 "Here's some yarn. Strap yourself in. 226 00:16:20,937 --> 00:16:23,983 Here's a shot of whiskey and a potato. See you in Dublin." 227 00:16:27,819 --> 00:16:29,655 And like I said, I don't like to fly. 228 00:16:29,738 --> 00:16:30,656 We're out on the tarmac. 229 00:16:30,739 --> 00:16:33,117 I was flying with my wife's aunt and uncle from Ireland, 230 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,036 and I asked, "Who does the maintenance on this?" 231 00:16:35,119 --> 00:16:37,454 And she was very Irish Catholic. She goes, 232 00:16:37,538 --> 00:16:41,000 "I think Jesus can do the maintenance just fine. 233 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:48,632 And Jesus said unto his disciples, 'Righty tighty, lefty loosey.'" 234 00:16:52,219 --> 00:16:55,389 So, it was cool in the beginning, then we hit some wicked turbulence. 235 00:16:55,472 --> 00:16:56,515 The pilot comes on, 236 00:16:56,598 --> 00:16:59,101 "Well, this is Captain Patrick O'Shaughnessy. 237 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,228 As you can see, ladies and gents, 238 00:17:01,311 --> 00:17:04,565 the angels and demons are having a bit of a tussle tonight. 239 00:17:04,648 --> 00:17:07,859 We suggest you sit back and relax and have a few pints of Guinness 240 00:17:07,943 --> 00:17:09,945 like we do up here in the cockpit. 241 00:17:12,781 --> 00:17:15,492 There's nothing like five, six, seven pints of Guinness 242 00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:19,496 to make all these knobs, dials and switches mean something to us 243 00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:21,832 in the pointy part of the aeroplane. 244 00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:24,418 If you check under your seat, 245 00:17:24,501 --> 00:17:27,546 you'll see you have an individual keg of Guinness beer. 246 00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:31,175 In the unlikely event your keg loses pressure, 247 00:17:31,258 --> 00:17:33,886 a little yellow straw will come down from the ceiling. 248 00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:40,392 Be sure your straw is free-flowing with Guinness for yourself 249 00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:43,979 before you assist your child, infant, or toddler with their Guinness." 250 00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:55,824 "There's nothing like a few pints of Guinness 251 00:17:55,907 --> 00:17:57,868 for a newborn to build the bones." 252 00:17:58,910 --> 00:18:00,996 So, we're back there, drinking our free Guinnesses. 253 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,207 He comes back, like, 45 minutes later. 254 00:18:03,290 --> 00:18:05,292 "This is Captain Paddy O'Shaughnessy." 255 00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:27,731 "Oh, yes! Thank... 256 00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:31,026 thank God. 257 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,778 Thank God and Jesus himself 258 00:18:32,861 --> 00:18:36,448 for the little button I like to call autopilot. 259 00:18:37,574 --> 00:18:41,453 Do you ever wonder how this big gob of steel gets up in the first place? 260 00:18:41,537 --> 00:18:43,247 Every time she lifts off the tarmac, 261 00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:48,502 I say a little prayer to myself, 'Fly, fucker, fly!' 262 00:18:49,503 --> 00:18:54,800 ♪ Oh, Danny Boy Oh, Danny Boy ♪ 263 00:18:55,467 --> 00:18:59,180 My copilot Danny O'Sullivan passed out 19 minutes ago. 264 00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:04,685 He had a bite of a five-leaf hallucinogenic clover. 265 00:19:04,768 --> 00:19:07,062 The last thing he said before he passed out was, 266 00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:11,192 'My God, I can fly!' 267 00:19:15,571 --> 00:19:19,408 I'll leave you with a little joke, ladies and gentiles, before we land in Dublin. 268 00:19:19,491 --> 00:19:21,868 Two Irishmen walk out of a bar. 269 00:19:22,994 --> 00:19:24,413 It could happen." 270 00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:30,502 So... 271 00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:32,504 Thank you. 272 00:19:34,548 --> 00:19:38,009 I'm so glad that my sons are in their 20s now, 273 00:19:38,093 --> 00:19:41,305 because they are nightmares when they're teenagers. 274 00:19:41,388 --> 00:19:46,768 'Cause teenagers are literally insane, and their plans are insane, 275 00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:48,854 and you have to hear them out as the parent, 276 00:19:48,937 --> 00:19:50,856 'cause you want to say no right away. 277 00:19:50,939 --> 00:19:53,149 But literally, when they were teenagers, I'd hear stuff like, 278 00:19:53,233 --> 00:19:56,403 "Uh, we're gonna drive to Lake Tahoe tonight." 279 00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:58,239 "Really? When are you leaving?" 280 00:19:58,322 --> 00:20:01,033 "We're gonna leave at 3:30 in the morning." 281 00:20:01,116 --> 00:20:04,203 "Who's driving?" "Eduardo." 282 00:20:04,286 --> 00:20:07,914 "Who's that?" "He's a substitute teacher at Drake High School." 283 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:10,083 "How many are going?" 284 00:20:10,166 --> 00:20:13,920 "There'll be 19 of us in his Cadillac Eldorado. 285 00:20:14,004 --> 00:20:15,214 I'm gonna ride in the trunk. 286 00:20:15,297 --> 00:20:20,469 We're gonna drive for 13 hours, snowboard for 11 minutes and ride back." 287 00:20:22,971 --> 00:20:25,557 So, as a parent, you have to say no, 288 00:20:25,641 --> 00:20:28,018 and then they walk off with that teenage walk, 289 00:20:28,101 --> 00:20:30,854 and under their breath they go, "Bunch of fucking bullshit." 290 00:20:34,065 --> 00:20:37,444 You know that walk? In Montana, they call it "all hat and no cattle." 291 00:20:37,528 --> 00:20:39,029 "Bunch of fucking bullshit." 292 00:20:41,823 --> 00:20:45,577 This person has no 401, no property ownership. 293 00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:48,289 Just... "Bunch of fucking bullshit, man." 294 00:20:51,833 --> 00:20:54,753 There's so much attitude, there's almost no forward motion. 295 00:20:54,836 --> 00:20:56,463 They can't even go forward. 296 00:21:01,468 --> 00:21:05,306 I just love the sound of that teenage, "Bunch of fucking bullshit." 297 00:21:08,099 --> 00:21:10,686 It's like it's its own language. 298 00:21:12,228 --> 00:21:16,817 Never take teenage boys to Europe. It's a waste of time and money. 299 00:21:19,027 --> 00:21:21,905 Don't do it. They don't care about a statue of David. 300 00:21:21,988 --> 00:21:25,284 I thought it was gorgeous. They just laughed for two hours. 301 00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:26,785 "Look at his balls. 302 00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:30,789 I thought it was a work of art." 303 00:21:32,082 --> 00:21:32,958 One thing that was funny. 304 00:21:33,041 --> 00:21:37,045 We went to Italy, and my wife studied Italian for a year, 305 00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:38,547 so she could speak and everything. 306 00:21:38,630 --> 00:21:41,300 So, I'm in the gym, and I'm on the treadmill. 307 00:21:41,383 --> 00:21:44,886 And when it went faster, it said, "Difficoltà." 308 00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:49,933 And I thought, "I can speak Italian if I add a vowel and cop an attitude." 309 00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:52,686 So, we're in Lake Como... I know. 310 00:21:52,769 --> 00:21:56,648 We were there waiting for the boat to come, whatever, the ferry. 311 00:21:56,732 --> 00:21:59,776 My wife's trying to figure out how to ask when it's gonna arrive, 312 00:21:59,860 --> 00:22:03,113 and I just leaned in and went, "Arrivi de boate?" 313 00:22:06,575 --> 00:22:07,826 And it worked! 314 00:22:09,536 --> 00:22:12,247 I was our interpreter for a week. It was like... 315 00:22:12,331 --> 00:22:13,790 When you go on Lake Como, 316 00:22:13,874 --> 00:22:16,752 every boat driver goes, "You like to see George Clooney's house?" 317 00:22:16,835 --> 00:22:18,253 They're obsessed with George Clooney. 318 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:21,131 Pictures in every restaurant of George. 319 00:22:22,341 --> 00:22:25,260 So, after the tenth time, I just yelled at the guy, 320 00:22:25,343 --> 00:22:27,554 "Sicke of de Clooney." 321 00:22:31,224 --> 00:22:34,352 I heard him, under his breath, go, "Bunch of fucking bullshit." 322 00:22:36,813 --> 00:22:40,316 We went to Rome, okay? So, Rome is unbelievable. 323 00:22:40,401 --> 00:22:42,152 We were in the Roman Colosseum, 324 00:22:42,235 --> 00:22:44,029 and my wife and I are having the time of our life. 325 00:22:44,112 --> 00:22:46,615 It's history. It's Rome. My God! 326 00:22:46,698 --> 00:22:51,662 My son, 18 at the time, no exaggeration, literally said this. 327 00:22:51,745 --> 00:22:53,246 "Uh... 328 00:22:54,122 --> 00:22:58,835 Is this pretty much all we're gonna do today?" 329 00:23:14,434 --> 00:23:16,603 I said, "Yeah, pretty much." "Bunch of fucking bullshit." 330 00:23:21,316 --> 00:23:23,819 I kinda love that attitude. There's a rhythm to that. 331 00:23:23,902 --> 00:23:27,489 When I heard it, I thought, "I'm gonna use that as a catchphrase." 332 00:23:27,573 --> 00:23:28,990 "Bunch of fucking bullshit." 333 00:23:29,991 --> 00:23:33,161 And I tried to give it to my son, 'cause he's a stand-up comedian. 334 00:23:33,244 --> 00:23:36,582 He's the one who said it. He goes, "It doesn't sound funny to me." 335 00:23:38,249 --> 00:23:39,334 I would use it in real life. 336 00:23:39,417 --> 00:23:42,128 The IRS tries to audit you, "Bunch of fucking bullshit." 337 00:23:45,507 --> 00:23:46,550 Doin' a different son. 338 00:23:46,633 --> 00:23:49,469 Are those millennials arriving? Anyone? Millennials? 339 00:23:50,053 --> 00:23:52,848 Yeah. All right. Under 35? 340 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:55,350 Yeah. Awesome. 341 00:23:55,434 --> 00:23:57,686 Look at you. She's gorgeous. Wow! 342 00:23:57,769 --> 00:24:00,355 Young, pretty. Look at these millennials. 343 00:24:00,438 --> 00:24:03,191 "Coming in late, man. Hitting the bar kinda hard. 344 00:24:03,274 --> 00:24:05,110 They'll hold the seats." 345 00:24:06,778 --> 00:24:09,364 You're like superheroes. Enjoy your youth, man. 346 00:24:10,157 --> 00:24:12,576 Touch your toes. Never take a nap. 347 00:24:17,998 --> 00:24:21,126 Pound those drinks. Wake up fresh. 348 00:24:22,335 --> 00:24:25,463 You guys are not gonna mess up your life like the baby boomers. 349 00:24:25,547 --> 00:24:28,383 We were way too ambitious, man. 350 00:24:28,467 --> 00:24:31,052 Millennials, you're not gonna mess up your life. 351 00:24:31,136 --> 00:24:34,681 You're gonna work small, live small. 352 00:24:37,100 --> 00:24:39,394 Smart. Smart. 353 00:24:39,477 --> 00:24:41,396 Have some roommates. 354 00:24:41,479 --> 00:24:43,314 Maybe own a bike. 355 00:24:46,109 --> 00:24:49,029 You guys don't even need cars. We had to get cars to be cool. 356 00:24:49,112 --> 00:24:50,446 You're just gonna Uber it up. 357 00:24:53,241 --> 00:24:54,826 You're so brilliant at some things. 358 00:24:54,910 --> 00:24:58,413 I mean, millennials are just so fast with their fingers, 359 00:24:58,496 --> 00:25:01,708 and they can Call of Duty and Skype and text. 360 00:25:01,792 --> 00:25:05,378 But you're completely crippled when it comes to basic things. 361 00:25:05,461 --> 00:25:07,798 'Cause your parents are always right there, 362 00:25:07,881 --> 00:25:09,174 and they're the experts. 363 00:25:09,257 --> 00:25:11,802 Typical millennial kid will go, "Uh, Mom? 364 00:25:11,885 --> 00:25:15,513 Uh... we don't have any heat in our apartment." 365 00:25:18,099 --> 00:25:21,019 And the mom goes, "You should probably call your landlord." 366 00:25:21,102 --> 00:25:22,145 Millennial kid, 367 00:25:22,228 --> 00:25:24,105 "Uh... 368 00:25:24,189 --> 00:25:29,820 I'm not real good at calling landlords. 369 00:25:32,363 --> 00:25:34,908 Could you do it?" 370 00:25:41,665 --> 00:25:43,124 And we do. 371 00:25:43,208 --> 00:25:46,002 We do call the landlord, 372 00:25:46,086 --> 00:25:48,880 because we don't want them to be sad. 373 00:25:52,008 --> 00:25:55,345 Most photographed generation in history, you millennial. 374 00:25:55,428 --> 00:25:59,307 Thousands and thousands of pictures with your obsessed parents. 375 00:25:59,390 --> 00:26:03,436 I'm a baby boomer. I have one picture of my childhood. 376 00:26:04,145 --> 00:26:08,483 One blurry, black and white photo the size of a postage stamp. 377 00:26:08,567 --> 00:26:09,943 I can't... 378 00:26:10,026 --> 00:26:12,946 I can't tell if I'm smiling or shitting my pants. 379 00:26:15,031 --> 00:26:16,700 And the parents are obsessed. 380 00:26:16,783 --> 00:26:19,870 God, just please, parents, holster your phone. 381 00:26:19,953 --> 00:26:21,997 I don't wanna see pictures of your kids. 382 00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:24,040 Come on, you're out to dinner with baby boomer parents. 383 00:26:24,124 --> 00:26:26,251 "Have you seen Benjamin?" 384 00:26:27,418 --> 00:26:29,880 I don't give a fuck about Benjamin. 385 00:26:32,215 --> 00:26:33,591 I don't care. 386 00:26:38,096 --> 00:26:39,139 Millennials. 387 00:26:39,222 --> 00:26:40,932 How old are you, ma'am? 388 00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:43,810 Twenty-nine. Wow. Sweet spot. 389 00:26:46,271 --> 00:26:47,648 Well... 390 00:26:47,731 --> 00:26:49,065 And I'm a lascivious old man. 391 00:26:49,149 --> 00:26:52,068 I just mean women underestimate their beauty. 392 00:26:52,152 --> 00:26:53,445 Your skin is perfect, the neck... 393 00:26:53,528 --> 00:26:56,781 I mean, everything has just arrived basically. 394 00:26:57,407 --> 00:26:59,409 It's great. You're sexy. You're sexy. 395 00:26:59,492 --> 00:27:01,619 I know that you got Pornhub, whatever you've got, 396 00:27:01,703 --> 00:27:05,123 but you're not as sexy as a mature woman. 397 00:27:05,206 --> 00:27:07,834 I have friends now who are dating women in their early 20s. 398 00:27:07,918 --> 00:27:09,169 They're in their 50s. 399 00:27:09,252 --> 00:27:11,546 And... 400 00:27:11,630 --> 00:27:13,882 ...there's just no "there, there." 401 00:27:13,965 --> 00:27:15,508 I'm sorry. Just from my point of view. 402 00:27:15,592 --> 00:27:17,719 'Cause we're out at a restaurant, this woman goes, 403 00:27:17,803 --> 00:27:22,473 "Oh, my God, the dragon rolls are so good here. 404 00:27:26,644 --> 00:27:29,773 I'm obsessed with these dragon rolls." 405 00:27:30,691 --> 00:27:33,234 I go, "What about global poverty?" "What?" 406 00:27:36,696 --> 00:27:39,658 Young women don't really know what to do with their body 407 00:27:39,741 --> 00:27:40,742 like a mature woman, 408 00:27:40,825 --> 00:27:43,119 who's had children, and she's in her 50s. 409 00:27:43,203 --> 00:27:44,454 A young woman is like, 410 00:27:44,537 --> 00:27:47,708 "Oh, my God, what are you trying to do to me?" 411 00:27:48,499 --> 00:27:49,584 Older woman is like, 412 00:27:49,667 --> 00:27:51,586 "Oh, my God. 413 00:27:53,213 --> 00:27:55,716 What are you trying to do to me?" 414 00:28:01,054 --> 00:28:05,141 Sex gets good in your 50s, doesn't it? Look at these smiling seniors. 415 00:28:06,392 --> 00:28:08,436 Look at these "Can't make a baby, 416 00:28:08,519 --> 00:28:11,022 some pills, some ointments, some light stretching. 417 00:28:11,106 --> 00:28:13,024 Oh, my God! 418 00:28:14,693 --> 00:28:16,528 Oh, my God, that's... Whoa, whoa!" 419 00:28:16,611 --> 00:28:18,739 Oh, yeah, you got it all going on. 420 00:28:18,822 --> 00:28:21,908 Yeehaw! Yeah! 421 00:28:21,992 --> 00:28:24,077 Who knew? 422 00:28:25,036 --> 00:28:28,539 The thing about it, though, is that, you know... 423 00:28:28,623 --> 00:28:34,045 the divorce rate for men and women in their 50s has quadrupled. 424 00:28:34,545 --> 00:28:37,007 Quadrupled in the last decade. 425 00:28:37,090 --> 00:28:41,677 You know why? Because science will not let us die. 426 00:28:43,888 --> 00:28:45,306 Okay, think about it. Okay. 427 00:28:45,390 --> 00:28:48,018 You're sitting there, you're with someone for 25 years, 428 00:28:48,101 --> 00:28:49,144 you're in your 50s, 429 00:28:49,227 --> 00:28:51,312 and at one point, even in the best marriage, 430 00:28:51,396 --> 00:28:53,899 you're thinking... 431 00:28:57,235 --> 00:28:59,738 "Three more decades? Really? 432 00:29:03,199 --> 00:29:05,368 With this bag of nothing? 433 00:29:06,619 --> 00:29:10,081 Three more decades of watching him drool in his sleep?" 434 00:29:10,999 --> 00:29:12,375 Three more decades of her going, 435 00:29:12,458 --> 00:29:14,710 "I'm kind of gassy today." 436 00:29:18,089 --> 00:29:21,426 Even in the best marriage, at one point, you look over and go... 437 00:29:21,509 --> 00:29:25,388 "Not my best choice." 438 00:29:30,268 --> 00:29:32,437 I don't wanna bum you out, but it's true. 439 00:29:35,190 --> 00:29:37,192 I'm heavily medicated right now. 440 00:29:37,275 --> 00:29:38,985 I don't know about you guys. 441 00:29:39,069 --> 00:29:40,779 Don't you love the pharmacy? 442 00:29:41,571 --> 00:29:45,909 Don't you love the social dynamic of the pharmacy? I just love it. 443 00:29:45,992 --> 00:29:47,660 You go in there. Everyone's uptight. 444 00:29:47,744 --> 00:29:49,537 You know the pharmacist in the white lab, 445 00:29:49,621 --> 00:29:52,248 he's dipping into whatever they got back there. 446 00:29:53,208 --> 00:29:55,210 And there's always an old guy off to the side 447 00:29:55,293 --> 00:29:56,878 who's clearly been there all day. 448 00:29:56,962 --> 00:29:59,547 "Did my doctor call? 449 00:30:03,885 --> 00:30:07,097 Did my doctor call?" 450 00:30:08,181 --> 00:30:09,933 They always know his name 'cause he's there so... 451 00:30:10,016 --> 00:30:11,184 "No, Bill, he didn't call. 452 00:30:11,267 --> 00:30:14,229 Try the blood pressure machine again. That's always fun." 453 00:30:15,939 --> 00:30:19,275 When it's packed on a Friday afternoon, man, it's intense. 454 00:30:19,359 --> 00:30:21,820 And you're supposed to stay behind the privacy barrier, 455 00:30:21,903 --> 00:30:23,822 so you can't hear what they're getting. 456 00:30:23,905 --> 00:30:26,574 Don't you wanna know what they're getting? 457 00:30:26,657 --> 00:30:27,826 Did you ever do an I Love Lucy, 458 00:30:27,909 --> 00:30:30,161 where you just kind of creep up and look around? 459 00:30:31,329 --> 00:30:33,373 "What do they need to get through life?" 460 00:30:34,332 --> 00:30:36,292 I hate it when you get a pissed-off, sweaty, 461 00:30:36,376 --> 00:30:38,503 drugged-out pharmacist on a Friday afternoon. 462 00:30:38,586 --> 00:30:40,338 The whole place is packed. 463 00:30:40,421 --> 00:30:42,966 He starts yelling out. You can hear what people are getting. 464 00:30:43,049 --> 00:30:45,801 It's embarrassing. "We got a pick up. I can't make out the name here. 465 00:30:45,886 --> 00:30:51,141 Pick up Zoloft, Imodium and Ambien, anybody? 466 00:30:52,809 --> 00:30:58,189 Pick up Zoloft, Imodium and Ambien, anybody? 467 00:30:59,149 --> 00:31:03,528 I need a nutball with diarrhea who can't sleep. Come on up! 468 00:31:05,989 --> 00:31:09,034 You sleepless, diarrhetic nutball!" 469 00:31:09,117 --> 00:31:12,828 And then the guy has to do the walk of shame in front of everybody. 470 00:31:22,547 --> 00:31:26,176 "Pick up Crestor and Plavix. 471 00:31:26,259 --> 00:31:29,387 I need a heart attack waiting to happen. Come on!" 472 00:31:33,308 --> 00:31:35,685 Everyone just thinking, "Which ones am I taking?" 473 00:31:35,768 --> 00:31:38,897 "Propecia, Adderall and Cialis. 474 00:31:39,981 --> 00:31:45,361 Pick up, I can't make it out, Propecia, Adderall and Cialis. 475 00:31:45,445 --> 00:31:49,157 I need a cue ball who's too distracted to know he can't get an erection. 476 00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:50,825 Come on up!" 477 00:31:57,373 --> 00:31:59,000 Is it me or does it seem like 478 00:31:59,084 --> 00:32:02,378 the pharmaceutical companies are just making up diseases 479 00:32:02,462 --> 00:32:04,714 so they can sell us drugs? 480 00:32:05,715 --> 00:32:09,302 I mean, you watch TV and it's just so weird. 481 00:32:09,385 --> 00:32:14,349 I'm waiting for, "Does your tongue seem smaller than it used to be? 482 00:32:18,561 --> 00:32:22,315 You may be suffering from Tiny Tongue Syndrome. 483 00:32:23,524 --> 00:32:25,735 Has the cat got your tongue? 484 00:32:26,902 --> 00:32:29,655 Afraid to eat ice cream in public? 485 00:32:31,157 --> 00:32:34,077 Introducing all-new Tenultra. 486 00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:36,371 Most patients experience some tongue growth 487 00:32:36,454 --> 00:32:38,664 in as little as four to six weeks. 488 00:32:38,748 --> 00:32:40,500 Get back in the game. 489 00:32:40,583 --> 00:32:44,003 Call your doctor. Get Tenultra!" 490 00:32:45,338 --> 00:32:47,757 "Thank you, Tenultra. Thank you. 491 00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:52,178 Because of you, my tongue is almost normal size." 492 00:33:00,728 --> 00:33:05,525 "Side effects include elongated torso, 493 00:33:05,608 --> 00:33:07,777 thick, matted stomach hair, 494 00:33:07,860 --> 00:33:10,030 and sudden anal closure." 495 00:33:13,866 --> 00:33:17,495 Now, here's a little, what I call, "TED Talk with jokes" section. 496 00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:20,706 'Cause if I don't got wisdom, I got nothing. 497 00:33:20,790 --> 00:33:24,085 I'm a straight, white male, 60 years of age. 498 00:33:24,169 --> 00:33:25,461 Yeah, I know. 499 00:33:27,880 --> 00:33:29,049 Straight, white male. 500 00:33:29,132 --> 00:33:33,011 So people think I'm racist, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic, Islamophobic 501 00:33:33,094 --> 00:33:35,055 and misogynistic. 502 00:33:35,138 --> 00:33:36,597 Pretty much me. 503 00:33:37,765 --> 00:33:42,395 I'm not a part of a particularly popular group of people right now. 504 00:33:42,478 --> 00:33:46,066 I totally understand. My ancestors did some nasty shit. 505 00:33:46,149 --> 00:33:50,486 I mean, these white guys, they raped and pilfered and plundered and enslaved, 506 00:33:50,570 --> 00:33:53,489 and conquered nations and ruined the environment. 507 00:33:53,573 --> 00:33:55,408 But you gotta admit, they were busy. 508 00:34:00,830 --> 00:34:02,457 I was raised Lutheran, by the way. 509 00:34:02,540 --> 00:34:06,544 I don't know if you guys are hardcore Irish Catholics or whatever here. 510 00:34:07,462 --> 00:34:11,716 I was Lutheran. Lutheran's pretty cool, 'cause we're not really hardcore. 511 00:34:11,799 --> 00:34:13,968 It's kind of casual. 512 00:34:14,052 --> 00:34:18,431 I mean, you knew that no one in the church really believed that much. 513 00:34:19,474 --> 00:34:21,767 Even our hymns were agnostic. It'll be like... 514 00:34:21,851 --> 00:34:25,104 ♪ I'll believe if you'll believe ♪ 515 00:34:26,314 --> 00:34:30,235 ♪ I'll believe if you'll believe ♪ 516 00:34:30,318 --> 00:34:35,448 ♪ On Sunday, I believe By Wednesday, I have doubts ♪ 517 00:34:35,531 --> 00:34:39,535 ♪ But by Sunday, I believe again ♪ 518 00:34:39,619 --> 00:34:43,372 ♪ Oh, if you believe, I'll believe Oh, yay! ♪ 519 00:34:45,040 --> 00:34:50,505 ♪ Jesus, son of God or just a nice guy? ♪ 520 00:34:55,926 --> 00:35:01,056 Don't get me wrong. I love Jesus. My wife's Irish Catholic. I love Jesus. 521 00:35:01,141 --> 00:35:03,851 But Jesus was never the father to a teenage boy. 522 00:35:03,934 --> 00:35:07,188 That would have challenged even Jesus. 523 00:35:07,271 --> 00:35:10,316 "I am the light. I am the way." 524 00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:12,067 "No, you're not. 525 00:35:15,155 --> 00:35:17,615 Why do you walk around with your palms like that, all out? 526 00:35:17,698 --> 00:35:19,492 It looks really stupid." 527 00:35:25,748 --> 00:35:27,875 "Spread the gospel, my son." 528 00:35:27,958 --> 00:35:33,339 "Uh, I'm not real good at spreading the gospel. 529 00:35:34,382 --> 00:35:37,385 Could you do it?" 530 00:35:42,723 --> 00:35:44,934 And Jesus was... He drank. 531 00:35:45,017 --> 00:35:47,562 But how much did Jesus drink? Do you ever wonder? 532 00:35:47,645 --> 00:35:51,774 Did he ever put his hand over his goblet and go, "I'm good. I am good"? 533 00:35:53,025 --> 00:35:57,280 Is it possible Jesus was a highly functioning alcoholic? 534 00:35:58,239 --> 00:35:59,865 You know, Mark says to Matthew, 535 00:35:59,949 --> 00:36:02,785 "Healed the leper, but he was lit. 536 00:36:05,455 --> 00:36:09,459 We can't send him to rehab. He can turn water into wine. Jesus! 537 00:36:11,043 --> 00:36:13,671 The other night at dinner, he says, 'One of you will betray me.' 538 00:36:13,754 --> 00:36:16,591 Classic alcoholic behavior. 539 00:36:19,427 --> 00:36:21,429 Last week, he said he wanted to walk on water. 540 00:36:21,512 --> 00:36:22,972 We gathered everyone around. 541 00:36:23,055 --> 00:36:26,476 He was so shit-faced, he just floated on his back for a half hour." 542 00:36:29,729 --> 00:36:31,481 If God had made four sons, 543 00:36:31,564 --> 00:36:34,900 could Jesus have opted out on the messiah thing? 544 00:36:34,984 --> 00:36:36,652 "Dad, I don't really feel like being the messiah. 545 00:36:36,736 --> 00:36:39,029 Can't Doug do it?" 546 00:36:40,823 --> 00:36:44,327 Then those exorcist movies would be like, "The power of Doug compels you. 547 00:36:44,410 --> 00:36:46,704 The power of Doug compels you." 548 00:36:50,166 --> 00:36:54,337 I love faith, but I think it's good to have some doubts, 549 00:36:54,420 --> 00:36:56,672 so you don't do crazy shit. 550 00:36:56,756 --> 00:36:58,424 I mean, I think what America needs, 551 00:36:58,507 --> 00:37:01,552 we need an ISIS guy with doubts. 552 00:37:02,928 --> 00:37:05,473 You know, just a guy sitting there... 553 00:37:05,556 --> 00:37:07,308 "Buckner... 554 00:37:08,309 --> 00:37:10,811 I don't know, Buckner. 555 00:37:10,895 --> 00:37:14,023 You know, sometimes things pop into my head. I don't really know. 556 00:37:15,024 --> 00:37:17,109 You know, the whole, you know, 557 00:37:17,192 --> 00:37:22,490 if I put on a suicide vest, go boom, then I wake up and there are 72 virgins. 558 00:37:23,408 --> 00:37:26,452 It's just so specific. 559 00:37:29,205 --> 00:37:31,457 But I'm sure it's totally true. I'm sure. I don't... 560 00:37:31,541 --> 00:37:33,501 I'm just saying ideas pop in my head, 561 00:37:33,584 --> 00:37:36,086 like, maybe women could drive. 562 00:37:36,170 --> 00:37:37,964 I don't know. Crazy. 563 00:37:40,300 --> 00:37:43,636 What if occasionally I had a beer? Would that be terrible? 564 00:37:44,637 --> 00:37:47,890 I mean, sometimes I think these things. I don't know, Buckner. 565 00:37:47,974 --> 00:37:49,809 Why can't the women... I love the way we dress. 566 00:37:49,892 --> 00:37:51,811 We cover them, the little eyes and everything, 567 00:37:51,894 --> 00:37:54,146 but maybe they could wear a nice pair of Levi's 568 00:37:54,229 --> 00:37:56,649 and a little halter top from the Gap or something." 569 00:37:58,443 --> 00:38:01,362 "I mean, do we really have to kill the nonbelievers? 570 00:38:01,446 --> 00:38:03,531 Couldn't we really just get them in a headlock and go, 571 00:38:03,614 --> 00:38:06,617 'You better...'?" 572 00:38:11,080 --> 00:38:12,707 There's so much darkness in the world. 573 00:38:12,790 --> 00:38:16,627 I think we're being hypnotized into darkness with these machines. 574 00:38:16,711 --> 00:38:19,338 I mean, my parents would get the darkest news, 575 00:38:19,422 --> 00:38:22,675 but they were getting it in the 1930s and 1940s. 576 00:38:22,758 --> 00:38:24,802 They would hear newsreels. 577 00:38:24,885 --> 00:38:27,972 And they were playful and kind of fun, no matter how dark it was. 578 00:38:28,055 --> 00:38:29,098 You'd be watching a movie, 579 00:38:29,181 --> 00:38:30,474 and before the movie, they'd come on, they'd be like, 580 00:38:30,558 --> 00:38:33,894 "News out of 1945 in the Pacific Theater. 581 00:38:33,978 --> 00:38:35,020 Ladies and gentlemen, 582 00:38:35,104 --> 00:38:38,858 as the Empire of Japan has officially refused to surrender, 583 00:38:38,941 --> 00:38:41,736 America says, 'No go, Tokyo.' 584 00:38:43,738 --> 00:38:45,948 Say hello to Fat Man and Little Boy. 585 00:38:46,031 --> 00:38:48,409 20,000 tons of TNT. 586 00:38:48,493 --> 00:38:50,536 Sayonara." 587 00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:54,749 I mean, when I first thought of this, 588 00:38:54,832 --> 00:38:56,959 I thought of the Bruce Jenner/Caitlyn Jenner thing. 589 00:38:57,042 --> 00:38:59,128 I'm friends with Bruce Jenner. I've not met Caitlyn. 590 00:38:59,211 --> 00:39:00,713 I'm sure she's really cool. 591 00:39:01,797 --> 00:39:04,258 I personally don't care what anyone does. 592 00:39:04,342 --> 00:39:06,552 Transgender, gay, I don't care what anyone wants to do. 593 00:39:06,636 --> 00:39:08,220 I mean, I have a friend who's trans-bestial. 594 00:39:08,304 --> 00:39:10,473 He's becoming a cat. I don't care. 595 00:39:12,975 --> 00:39:15,395 But I thought that should've been more playful. It was so heavy. 596 00:39:15,478 --> 00:39:19,023 "He's becoming a woman. Oh, my God!" It should have just been like, 597 00:39:19,106 --> 00:39:21,942 "And Olympic gold medalist, Bruce Jenner, has announced today 598 00:39:22,026 --> 00:39:24,487 that he would like to become a she. 599 00:39:24,570 --> 00:39:27,865 And guess what, she's gorgeous." 600 00:39:30,075 --> 00:39:33,413 And when I thought of that, I called my friend, Jon Lovitz, 601 00:39:33,496 --> 00:39:36,206 because it sounded like Jon. 602 00:39:37,542 --> 00:39:39,460 And I said, "Jon, I just thought of a bit. 603 00:39:39,544 --> 00:39:40,670 I want to give it to you." 604 00:39:40,753 --> 00:39:42,463 And I told him, and he laughed. 605 00:39:42,547 --> 00:39:44,131 And I go, "Jon, you can have it." 606 00:39:44,214 --> 00:39:48,553 He paused and went, "I'll write my own material." 607 00:39:56,602 --> 00:39:59,355 But there's really only two kinds of people in the world, 608 00:39:59,439 --> 00:40:00,648 there's the decent and the indecent. 609 00:40:00,731 --> 00:40:02,024 I do think that order matters. 610 00:40:02,107 --> 00:40:05,611 And I think that Cosby's mistake... 611 00:40:08,363 --> 00:40:12,702 Yeah. Cosby did things out of order. That's all. 612 00:40:12,785 --> 00:40:13,828 He did it out of order. 613 00:40:13,911 --> 00:40:18,749 If he had consensual sex with a woman, and then gave her an Ambien, 614 00:40:18,833 --> 00:40:20,292 no problem. 615 00:40:22,587 --> 00:40:27,007 If he gets off and tries it again, it'll never work. Everybody knows. 616 00:40:27,091 --> 00:40:30,010 But if he's 90, demented, he'll still try. 617 00:40:30,094 --> 00:40:34,139 "So, I got to put the pill in the bitty, and I touch the titty?" 618 00:40:36,809 --> 00:40:38,310 "No, Bill. Nothing's gonna happen." 619 00:40:38,393 --> 00:40:41,146 "But I take the pill, and I put it in the bitty, 620 00:40:41,230 --> 00:40:42,732 and I touch the titty?" 621 00:40:44,233 --> 00:40:46,944 "Not gonna happen, Bill. I'm sorry, Mr. Cosby. No." 622 00:40:47,027 --> 00:40:49,655 "But I did the bitty, did the titty..." 623 00:40:52,700 --> 00:40:55,077 Sometimes, I'll see stuff that inspires me to do a bit. 624 00:40:55,161 --> 00:40:57,746 And I watched this documentary about China. 625 00:40:57,830 --> 00:41:01,667 Now, I don't know if it's me, but they always seem so depressed. 626 00:41:01,751 --> 00:41:03,503 Have you noticed, when they have the interpreter, 627 00:41:03,586 --> 00:41:07,756 it's kinda like, what you hear is... 628 00:41:07,840 --> 00:41:10,885 "I live in a village of 90 million people." 629 00:41:24,982 --> 00:41:27,026 "We all work in the same factory." 630 00:41:32,740 --> 00:41:35,785 "All we make are buttons. That's all we make." 631 00:41:48,631 --> 00:41:52,301 "Oprah Winfrey says, 'God has a plan for everybody.'" 632 00:41:57,598 --> 00:42:00,643 "My dream as a child was to play the cello." 633 00:42:02,895 --> 00:42:07,066 "But the People's Republic of China said, 'Dreams are for sleeping.'" 634 00:42:15,575 --> 00:42:18,828 "Five kilometers south is the village of Xinhua." 635 00:42:20,580 --> 00:42:23,958 "It's a village of 490 million people." 636 00:42:28,713 --> 00:42:32,216 "All they make are shoestrings. That's all they make." 637 00:42:38,681 --> 00:42:41,308 "This bit's going over better than I thought it would." 638 00:42:53,237 --> 00:42:57,157 "I live on the 620th floor of an apartment building." 639 00:43:01,746 --> 00:43:05,708 "If the elevators break, it can take two months to get out of the building." 640 00:43:14,717 --> 00:43:17,887 "Sometimes, I camp out on the 300th floor." 641 00:43:22,349 --> 00:43:23,768 "I now have a girlfriend." 642 00:43:26,186 --> 00:43:28,188 "She works in a toothbrush factory." 643 00:43:30,691 --> 00:43:32,651 "All they make are toothbrushes. 644 00:43:33,568 --> 00:43:35,529 That's all they make." 645 00:43:42,828 --> 00:43:46,749 "She lost her hands in a toothbrush-related accident." 646 00:43:48,876 --> 00:43:50,377 "I told her what Oprah said, 647 00:43:50,460 --> 00:43:52,838 and she said she wanted to flip Oprah off, 648 00:43:52,922 --> 00:43:55,590 but she didn't have the fingers to do it." 649 00:44:05,350 --> 00:44:07,519 "I haven't lost my sense of humor." 650 00:44:09,354 --> 00:44:12,817 "My favorite comedian is the American Donald Trump." 651 00:44:31,251 --> 00:44:34,296 I come from a pretty modest background. 652 00:44:34,379 --> 00:44:38,383 We were five kids in our family, 1,200 square feet, one bathroom... 653 00:44:38,467 --> 00:44:43,347 We were the kind of family where the syrup bottle always had ants on it. 654 00:44:44,932 --> 00:44:46,767 No one ever knew where the hammer was. 655 00:44:46,851 --> 00:44:49,770 "Where's the hammer? Anyone know where the hammer is? 656 00:44:49,854 --> 00:44:51,688 Has anyone seen the hammer?" 657 00:44:52,606 --> 00:44:55,526 My... This is an imperfect impression of my dad, 658 00:44:55,609 --> 00:44:57,945 last time I talked politics with him. Okay? 659 00:44:58,028 --> 00:45:03,158 "Oh, I can't talk politics with you, because you don't know shit." 660 00:45:10,707 --> 00:45:12,960 He's one of those dads you could never show weakness. 661 00:45:13,043 --> 00:45:14,294 "I can't find my car keys." 662 00:45:14,378 --> 00:45:16,380 "I always know where my car keys are. 663 00:45:16,463 --> 00:45:19,008 I keep 'em in my pocket, you little shit!" 664 00:45:21,593 --> 00:45:22,594 "I'm cold." 665 00:45:22,677 --> 00:45:25,389 "I'm never cold, 'cause I dress in layers!" 666 00:45:29,559 --> 00:45:31,561 I don't know about old guys. When they turn 70, 667 00:45:31,645 --> 00:45:34,481 they just start wearing bright pastel colors. 668 00:45:34,564 --> 00:45:36,233 They look like the Joker. 669 00:45:36,316 --> 00:45:38,778 He came out in a pink shirt and yellow pants. 670 00:45:38,861 --> 00:45:40,112 "You're wearing yellow pants." 671 00:45:40,195 --> 00:45:41,989 "They're canary!" 672 00:45:45,784 --> 00:45:47,953 These old men and their cars, man. 673 00:45:48,037 --> 00:45:50,705 They have so much ego about gas mileage. 674 00:45:50,790 --> 00:45:54,626 He goes, "I get 25 miles to the gallon in my Buick." 675 00:45:54,709 --> 00:45:56,628 I go, "I get 28 in my Pilot." 676 00:45:56,711 --> 00:45:58,338 "Oh, bullshit!" 677 00:46:05,345 --> 00:46:07,681 I showed him a computer when he was 75. 678 00:46:07,764 --> 00:46:11,643 He goes, "Oh, computer is a waste of time. Stupid. 679 00:46:11,726 --> 00:46:15,981 If you get a computer, you're just on the computer all day, God damn it." 680 00:46:17,357 --> 00:46:19,193 Were there people like that throughout history? 681 00:46:19,276 --> 00:46:23,572 Like, "The printing press. Who needs it? Jesus Christ!" 682 00:46:26,616 --> 00:46:27,659 In the Stone Age, 683 00:46:27,743 --> 00:46:31,246 "The wheel! What's the wheel for? 684 00:46:31,330 --> 00:46:33,165 If the pharaoh needs a ride, 685 00:46:33,248 --> 00:46:36,626 we'll just carry him on his throne, you big dummies!" 686 00:46:41,506 --> 00:46:43,592 I was able to help him out and give him extra money. 687 00:46:43,675 --> 00:46:44,718 I'm happy to do that. 688 00:46:44,801 --> 00:46:47,262 But when he got older, he forgot my name. 689 00:46:47,346 --> 00:46:49,264 And so, he just called me Money. 690 00:46:51,266 --> 00:46:54,311 He'd go to my siblings, "Have you seen Money?" 691 00:46:55,229 --> 00:46:56,230 They'd go, "Dana?" 692 00:46:56,313 --> 00:46:57,731 "Who the hell is Dana? 693 00:46:57,815 --> 00:47:00,442 We need some money! From Money!" 694 00:47:04,613 --> 00:47:06,990 Five kids. Wild, crazy family. 695 00:47:07,074 --> 00:47:11,871 My brother, Brad, who I based Garth on, was one of my older brothers. 696 00:47:11,954 --> 00:47:14,539 And Garth is completely Brad. 697 00:47:14,623 --> 00:47:16,666 And the thing about Brad was, he was a science kid. 698 00:47:16,750 --> 00:47:18,418 So, this is a true story again. 699 00:47:18,502 --> 00:47:20,963 I found a dead frog. I was, like, nine years old. 700 00:47:21,046 --> 00:47:23,757 And I thought it was dead. I brought it to Brad. 701 00:47:23,840 --> 00:47:27,219 He attaches it to two D-cell batteries, right? 702 00:47:29,679 --> 00:47:31,181 And I'm looking at the frog. 703 00:47:31,265 --> 00:47:35,102 And I go, "Brad... the eye. His eye is opening." 704 00:47:35,185 --> 00:47:38,647 And Brad said, quote, just like this, no exaggeration, 705 00:47:38,730 --> 00:47:42,985 "Yeah. I brought him back to life. He'll never die again." 706 00:47:52,161 --> 00:47:55,164 When I did the movie, I got severe TMJ. 707 00:47:56,290 --> 00:47:59,168 And I went to the dentist, and she goes, "You've got TMJ." 708 00:47:59,251 --> 00:48:00,294 And I go, "Yeah, it hurts here." 709 00:48:00,377 --> 00:48:01,545 And she goes, "What have you been doing?" 710 00:48:01,628 --> 00:48:05,465 And I say, "Well, I've been making this face all summer long." 711 00:48:09,136 --> 00:48:10,720 She says, "You've got to stop doing that." 712 00:48:10,804 --> 00:48:13,307 I said, "Not for what they're paying me, bitch!" 713 00:48:16,893 --> 00:48:21,148 In my childhood, I was a dishwasher. I was a busboy. 714 00:48:21,231 --> 00:48:24,651 We called ourselves Table Maintenance Personnel Managers. 715 00:48:25,610 --> 00:48:27,279 And I was a waiter. 716 00:48:27,362 --> 00:48:29,740 And what was cool was I waited on my heroes. 717 00:48:29,823 --> 00:48:32,909 I waited on George Carlin and Richard Pryor. 718 00:48:34,119 --> 00:48:39,166 Isn't that weird? I waited... I brought George Carlin a bowl of oatmeal. 719 00:48:39,249 --> 00:48:40,625 And I put it in front of him, and he goes, 720 00:48:40,709 --> 00:48:44,546 "Oatmeal. Drop the 'O,' and you have 'atmeal.'" 721 00:48:45,464 --> 00:48:47,216 Wow. That's just... 722 00:48:50,385 --> 00:48:54,222 And then, I gave Richard Pryor a Denver omelet. 723 00:48:54,974 --> 00:48:57,226 And afterwards, I'll never forget it, he goes, 724 00:48:57,309 --> 00:49:01,521 "Whoever made this omelet can suck my dick!" 725 00:49:05,400 --> 00:49:09,529 And I never knew if that was a positive or a negative. 726 00:49:13,367 --> 00:49:14,701 I always wondered. 727 00:49:14,784 --> 00:49:19,248 I end up in a movie with Richard Pryor, 12 years later, called Moving. 728 00:49:19,331 --> 00:49:21,750 Honor. I'm there with Richard, and I had to know. 729 00:49:21,833 --> 00:49:24,919 So, I took a bite of a cheeseburger, and I said, 730 00:49:25,004 --> 00:49:26,505 "Man, this is delicious. 731 00:49:26,588 --> 00:49:29,799 Whoever made this cheeseburger can suck my dick." 732 00:49:29,883 --> 00:49:32,761 And he goes, "Man, you must love that cheeseburger!" 733 00:49:39,143 --> 00:49:40,935 I'll tell you, when I was raising the kids, 734 00:49:41,020 --> 00:49:42,854 I did a lot of stand-up. 735 00:49:42,938 --> 00:49:46,316 This is a true story about Microsoft. 736 00:49:46,400 --> 00:49:49,069 They asked me to do the Church Lady with Microsoft. 737 00:49:49,152 --> 00:49:50,529 And... with the dress. 738 00:49:50,612 --> 00:49:54,533 I said, "I don't sell out that character. I don't do that." 739 00:49:54,616 --> 00:49:56,618 They told me what they were gonna pay me. 740 00:49:56,702 --> 00:49:59,079 I said, "I'll get the bitch's dress on right now." 741 00:50:02,707 --> 00:50:05,710 And I'm in this giant arena, with Bill Gates, in the dress. 742 00:50:05,794 --> 00:50:09,005 Ten thousand Microsoft nerds, and they revere Bill Gates. 743 00:50:09,089 --> 00:50:12,342 He's next to me. He's got the thing... "Okay. Here we go..." 744 00:50:14,428 --> 00:50:16,555 And they're leaning in, intense. The nerds are like, 745 00:50:16,638 --> 00:50:20,100 "Come on, get him, Bill. They're gonna do a funny skit." 746 00:50:21,810 --> 00:50:23,145 And I just start to ad-lib. 747 00:50:23,228 --> 00:50:25,189 I go... "Well, well, well, Mr. Bill Gates. 748 00:50:25,272 --> 00:50:27,441 We like ourselves, don't we? 749 00:50:29,276 --> 00:50:31,570 Apparently, we made a deal with the devil. 750 00:50:32,487 --> 00:50:34,489 The devil said we can have $50 billion, 751 00:50:34,573 --> 00:50:37,242 but we have to go through life looking like a turtle." 752 00:50:40,203 --> 00:50:42,622 The air got sucked out of the room. 753 00:50:42,706 --> 00:50:44,249 That was not a good move. 754 00:50:46,251 --> 00:50:48,087 Bill Gates decides to ad-lib. 755 00:50:48,170 --> 00:50:50,547 "I'm not a turtle!" 756 00:50:55,969 --> 00:50:57,637 And I just think I'm on a roll. 757 00:50:57,721 --> 00:51:00,140 "Well, well, well, there we go. We like ourselves. 758 00:51:00,224 --> 00:51:03,268 We make a lot of money and feel a little superior." 759 00:51:03,352 --> 00:51:06,230 And it's just getting quieter and quieter. 760 00:51:06,313 --> 00:51:08,440 I just couldn't read the room. I'm into the character. 761 00:51:08,523 --> 00:51:10,567 "We made Windows, didn't we? 762 00:51:10,650 --> 00:51:12,777 So we can creep up to the window at night 763 00:51:12,861 --> 00:51:14,654 and look at the fornicators." 764 00:51:21,203 --> 00:51:23,622 So, it's getting weirdly dark in there. 765 00:51:23,705 --> 00:51:25,624 I go, "Let's do a superior dance." 766 00:51:25,707 --> 00:51:29,586 In the middle of the skit, he goes, "No, thank you. Goodbye." 767 00:51:31,755 --> 00:51:33,840 I walk backstage. It's a disaster. 768 00:51:33,923 --> 00:51:36,968 It's like Lord of the Rings intensity back there. 769 00:51:37,051 --> 00:51:39,138 I'm surrounded by Microsoft nerds, and they're like, 770 00:51:39,221 --> 00:51:40,680 "Oh, my God. 771 00:51:43,142 --> 00:51:47,187 You made fun of the precious." 772 00:51:54,444 --> 00:51:55,695 I raised the kids. 773 00:51:55,779 --> 00:51:57,739 I took a little bit of time off from show business. 774 00:51:57,822 --> 00:52:00,492 And I wanted to be there for 'em, you know, 775 00:52:00,575 --> 00:52:03,620 'cause show business could just take your whole life and time. 776 00:52:03,703 --> 00:52:07,374 There was this famous New York actor who was gone so much, 777 00:52:07,457 --> 00:52:09,168 his kid was raised by a British nanny, 778 00:52:09,251 --> 00:52:12,128 that the kid developed a British accent. 779 00:52:12,212 --> 00:52:15,131 And I always wonder what that phone call would be, calling home... 780 00:52:15,215 --> 00:52:17,259 "Hey, this is Johnny Stompanato. 781 00:52:17,342 --> 00:52:19,844 Is Johnny Stompanato Jr. there?" 782 00:52:19,928 --> 00:52:21,680 "Hello, Daddy! 783 00:52:23,348 --> 00:52:27,394 So glad to hear your voice. It gives me goose pimples." 784 00:52:28,562 --> 00:52:30,355 "Is your mother there?" 785 00:52:30,439 --> 00:52:33,358 "Mommy went to Barcelona with our gardener, Antonio." 786 00:52:34,818 --> 00:52:36,236 "Who's watching out for you?" 787 00:52:36,320 --> 00:52:39,614 "Edwina. She's my nanny. She's from jolly old London. 788 00:52:39,698 --> 00:52:42,451 We're going to have a sudsy tub soon." 789 00:52:44,453 --> 00:52:47,539 "Yeah. Okay. Is your little brother Danny there?" 790 00:52:47,622 --> 00:52:51,210 "Yes. Yes, Danny's here, but he's with his nanny." 791 00:52:51,293 --> 00:52:53,837 "Danny's got his own nanny? Who's Danny's nanny?" 792 00:52:53,920 --> 00:52:57,257 "Danny's nanny is the actor Michael Caine." 793 00:52:59,426 --> 00:53:01,052 "What the freak? Danny!" 794 00:53:02,095 --> 00:53:03,722 "Hello, Daddy. 795 00:53:06,224 --> 00:53:09,644 My name is Danny Stompanato Jr. 796 00:53:12,356 --> 00:53:14,899 So good to hear your voice, Father." 797 00:53:15,859 --> 00:53:17,819 "Danny, how old are you?" 798 00:53:17,902 --> 00:53:20,614 "I'm four years old. 799 00:53:25,368 --> 00:53:28,121 Today, my nanny, Michael Caine, 800 00:53:28,747 --> 00:53:31,916 took me to the beach, and we made sand castles. 801 00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:36,421 And then the waves came, and they took the sand castles away." 802 00:53:37,964 --> 00:53:40,967 "Yeah, waves will do shit like that to sand and whatnot." 803 00:53:42,969 --> 00:53:44,888 "And then, we went to the park. 804 00:53:44,971 --> 00:53:47,974 And my nanny, Michael Caine, pushed me on the swing. 805 00:53:48,057 --> 00:53:52,521 And he pushed me higher and higher, and I went so high, 806 00:53:52,604 --> 00:53:57,108 I thought I was gonna go right over the bloody top!" 807 00:53:59,027 --> 00:54:02,947 "Yeah, I'm sorry I haven't been around. I've been doing a lot of motion pictures." 808 00:54:03,031 --> 00:54:05,199 "That's okay, Daddy. But come home soon, 809 00:54:05,284 --> 00:54:07,911 so when I come off the playground, I see my father, 810 00:54:07,994 --> 00:54:11,956 and not Academy Award-winning actor Michael Caine." 811 00:54:18,963 --> 00:54:21,383 "Hey, is your little brother Johnny there?" 812 00:54:22,467 --> 00:54:24,428 "Johnny's with his nanny." 813 00:54:24,511 --> 00:54:26,888 "Johnny's got his own nanny? Who's Johnny's nanny?" 814 00:54:27,514 --> 00:54:28,765 "Liam Neeson." 815 00:54:30,975 --> 00:54:32,143 "Johnny?" 816 00:54:32,226 --> 00:54:34,521 "Now you listen to me, Father. 817 00:54:35,814 --> 00:54:38,066 I have skills I've acquired, 818 00:54:38,149 --> 00:54:42,111 skills that make me a nightmare for an absentee parent such as yourself. 819 00:54:42,779 --> 00:54:44,906 If you come home now and bring me a stuffed animal, 820 00:54:44,990 --> 00:54:46,199 no harm will come to you." 821 00:54:48,577 --> 00:54:50,454 "What kind of stuffed animal?" 822 00:54:50,537 --> 00:54:52,121 "I like hippopotamuses. 823 00:54:53,707 --> 00:54:55,124 Would you like to hear a joke, Father?" 824 00:54:55,208 --> 00:54:57,919 "Yeah, sure. What the fuck? What? What joke?" 825 00:54:58,002 --> 00:54:59,754 "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" 826 00:54:59,838 --> 00:55:01,381 "Father." "Father who?" 827 00:55:02,299 --> 00:55:04,759 "Exactly. Now get on home, you motherfucker!" 828 00:55:09,473 --> 00:55:13,059 This is something I just like to do. I hope you find it amusing. 829 00:55:13,142 --> 00:55:15,687 I love the movie Scarface so much. 830 00:55:17,272 --> 00:55:18,273 And um... 831 00:55:19,023 --> 00:55:24,028 All right, this is my fantasy of Tony Montana, Al Pacino, 832 00:55:24,112 --> 00:55:25,655 having Thanksgiving dinner. 833 00:55:25,739 --> 00:55:28,867 Okay. Thanksgiving. 834 00:55:28,950 --> 00:55:30,619 "Pass the sweet potatoes. 835 00:55:36,916 --> 00:55:38,877 Pass the sweet potatoes! 836 00:55:40,378 --> 00:55:44,966 You know I like... You know I like the sweet potatoes. 837 00:55:45,800 --> 00:55:48,887 But I look around the table, I don't see no sweet potatoes. 838 00:55:49,721 --> 00:55:53,391 I see a turkey. I see a green bean. 839 00:55:54,142 --> 00:55:56,478 But I don't see no sweet potatoes. 840 00:55:56,561 --> 00:56:00,690 Where the sweet potato with the marshmallows toasted on top? 841 00:56:00,774 --> 00:56:01,858 I don't see it. 842 00:56:01,941 --> 00:56:03,610 I know who took the sweet potato. 843 00:56:03,693 --> 00:56:05,820 I know who ate the sweet potato. 844 00:56:05,904 --> 00:56:08,656 It's that fat bitch over there. Grandma!" 845 00:56:10,700 --> 00:56:12,411 "Oh, yeah! 846 00:56:12,494 --> 00:56:15,371 You don't think I see you, man? I see you all the time. 847 00:56:15,455 --> 00:56:17,749 I look at you. I look at you. 848 00:56:17,832 --> 00:56:19,083 All the time, I watch you, man. 849 00:56:19,167 --> 00:56:20,710 You eat. You like to eat, huh? 850 00:56:20,794 --> 00:56:23,004 You like to eat? You like to eat? 851 00:56:23,088 --> 00:56:25,673 You gotta eat. You like to eat. All right. 852 00:56:25,757 --> 00:56:28,968 I'm at a party. They got a bowl of candy corn. 853 00:56:30,637 --> 00:56:32,889 They got a bowl of candy corn. 854 00:56:34,433 --> 00:56:38,019 I go to get a candy corn. There's no goddamn candy corn. 855 00:56:38,102 --> 00:56:40,564 'Cause you ate all the candy corn. Okay? 856 00:56:40,647 --> 00:56:43,942 I look at you. I look at you, man. I see you. I see you eating. 857 00:56:44,734 --> 00:56:46,402 A carrot cake, all right? 858 00:56:46,486 --> 00:56:49,322 I look for a piece of carrot cake. 859 00:56:49,405 --> 00:56:52,701 'Cause there's no candy corn. So, I go for a carrot cake. 860 00:56:53,785 --> 00:56:55,912 You ate all the goddamn carrot cake. 861 00:56:56,580 --> 00:56:59,123 I look at you, man. I look at you all the time, man. 862 00:56:59,207 --> 00:57:00,249 At Christmastime. 863 00:57:00,333 --> 00:57:03,628 You got a chocolate. You want to get a chocolate out of a box. 864 00:57:03,712 --> 00:57:06,631 You pick a chocolate up. You stick your thumb in the back. 865 00:57:06,715 --> 00:57:09,383 You get a coconut. You put it right back in the goddamn box. 866 00:57:14,305 --> 00:57:15,640 I go to get a chocolate, 867 00:57:15,724 --> 00:57:18,935 it's like a goddamn war zone, man, with all the diggin' in the back. 868 00:57:19,018 --> 00:57:20,311 'Cause you don't check the guide. 869 00:57:20,394 --> 00:57:23,565 You got a Whitman's Sampler. You got a Whitman's Sampler. 870 00:57:23,648 --> 00:57:25,525 In the lid. In the lid. 871 00:57:25,609 --> 00:57:27,902 You got a guide. You got a guide. You got a guide. 872 00:57:27,986 --> 00:57:31,405 It tells you what a candy is. It tells you what a candy is. 873 00:57:31,490 --> 00:57:34,451 But you don't check the guide. You don't check the guide. 874 00:57:34,534 --> 00:57:36,035 You just... 875 00:57:37,120 --> 00:57:39,247 It's corresponding. Okay? 876 00:57:39,330 --> 00:57:40,331 You want a Turtle? 877 00:57:40,414 --> 00:57:43,167 You want a chocolate with a nut, called a Turtle? 878 00:57:43,251 --> 00:57:45,253 Or a Almond Roca or whatever? 879 00:57:45,336 --> 00:57:47,714 You can see with the guide. It say on the lid. 880 00:57:47,797 --> 00:57:50,509 But you don't check the guide. You never check the guide. 881 00:57:51,551 --> 00:57:54,971 And you eat all my goddamn candied yams, 882 00:57:55,054 --> 00:57:57,223 you son of a bitch!" 883 00:57:59,684 --> 00:58:00,977 That just... 884 00:58:01,060 --> 00:58:03,062 That'll never go on the special. 885 00:58:05,899 --> 00:58:07,316 Thank you. 886 00:58:09,110 --> 00:58:11,946 So last year, which I found very interesting, 887 00:58:12,030 --> 00:58:14,282 being a huge Beatles fan, 888 00:58:14,365 --> 00:58:15,533 Paul McCartney. 889 00:58:16,868 --> 00:58:20,830 Paul McCartney made a song with Kanye West. Okay? 890 00:58:20,914 --> 00:58:24,417 And everyone said, "Hey, he's got his new partner. 891 00:58:24,501 --> 00:58:26,961 He's got his new John Lennon." 892 00:58:27,045 --> 00:58:29,631 And I thought, "I don't know." 893 00:58:30,965 --> 00:58:32,967 Well, it's not that heavy. 894 00:58:33,552 --> 00:58:36,846 But, for me, I wanted Paul to talk to John about it. 895 00:58:36,930 --> 00:58:39,683 So that was my flight of fancy. John, from Heaven, talking to Paul. 896 00:58:39,766 --> 00:58:41,643 "Hello, Paul. 897 00:58:41,726 --> 00:58:45,605 Paul, this is John. I heard you made a song with Kanye West." 898 00:58:45,689 --> 00:58:47,691 "Yeah, John. I did. I did. 899 00:58:47,774 --> 00:58:51,110 I made a little song with Kanye West, you know? 900 00:58:51,194 --> 00:58:53,321 You know, I had a little keyboard. You know? 901 00:58:53,404 --> 00:58:55,699 And I sat down for a pluckety-doo, you know. 902 00:58:56,699 --> 00:58:58,660 And I was plonking away with him. 903 00:58:58,743 --> 00:59:01,704 And he started hummy-talky-singy, you know. 904 00:59:01,788 --> 00:59:05,124 And the next thing I know, we had a real toe-tapper." 905 00:59:07,126 --> 00:59:10,338 "Well, what are his lyrics about? What does he write about?" 906 00:59:10,421 --> 00:59:12,590 "Well, he's, you know... He's a good guy, you know. 907 00:59:12,674 --> 00:59:16,052 It's like, he writes things, sort of, like, about how great he is. 908 00:59:16,135 --> 00:59:18,805 He's, like, what we used to call a chest-thumper, you know? 909 00:59:18,888 --> 00:59:20,640 He's a chest-thumper, you know. 910 00:59:20,724 --> 00:59:23,560 Remember when you said we were as popular as Jesus? 911 00:59:23,643 --> 00:59:25,687 He thinks he is Jesus." 912 00:59:29,148 --> 00:59:32,318 "Well, does he have a woman that inspires him, Paul?" 913 00:59:32,402 --> 00:59:35,613 "Oh, yeah. He..." 914 00:59:38,199 --> 00:59:39,200 "Oh, yeah. 915 00:59:40,201 --> 00:59:44,581 He's got a terrific gal by the name of Kim Kardashian, you know." 916 00:59:44,664 --> 00:59:46,666 "What does she do?" 917 00:59:52,171 --> 00:59:53,965 "Well, really, she's a nice gal. 918 00:59:54,048 --> 00:59:59,053 What she does when she's working is she takes pictures of her bottom." 919 01:00:00,930 --> 01:00:02,056 "Pictures of her bottom?" 920 01:00:02,140 --> 01:00:04,017 "Yeah, that's her job, you know. 921 01:00:04,100 --> 01:00:06,394 Her job. She takes pictures of her bottom." 922 01:00:07,604 --> 01:00:10,440 "Well, does she do it with, a Polaroid camera?" 923 01:00:10,523 --> 01:00:12,358 "No, John. In the future, 924 01:00:12,442 --> 01:00:15,695 everybody's got a baby television in their pocket. 925 01:00:18,823 --> 01:00:21,242 And it's got a little camera on it. 926 01:00:21,325 --> 01:00:23,286 So when she's at a hotel or somewhere, 927 01:00:23,369 --> 01:00:25,579 she may say, 'It's time to go working.' 928 01:00:25,664 --> 01:00:27,916 So she sticks her fanny out, 929 01:00:27,999 --> 01:00:30,376 and she takes her baby television..." 930 01:00:31,460 --> 01:00:33,922 "What's so special about her bottom?" 931 01:00:34,798 --> 01:00:37,926 "Well, John, it's not a normal bottom. 932 01:00:39,218 --> 01:00:41,470 It's a prominent bum. 933 01:00:41,554 --> 01:00:44,265 It's a bottom 2.0. 934 01:00:44,724 --> 01:00:49,312 It's like, God made a fanny and attached a person as an afterthought." 935 01:00:52,523 --> 01:00:53,650 "So, that's what she does?" 936 01:00:53,733 --> 01:00:56,152 "Yeah, the whole family does it. They're all... 937 01:00:56,235 --> 01:00:58,154 They're all taking pictures of their bottoms 938 01:00:58,237 --> 01:00:59,823 with their baby television. 939 01:00:59,906 --> 01:01:00,907 They all do it. 940 01:01:00,990 --> 01:01:04,243 One gentleman got so frustrated, he became a woman." 941 01:01:12,210 --> 01:01:15,546 "Well, what does she do with the cameras? Does she put 'em in magazines?" 942 01:01:15,630 --> 01:01:18,424 "No, she posts the pictures." 943 01:01:18,507 --> 01:01:20,009 "Oh, on a bulletin board?" 944 01:01:20,093 --> 01:01:21,969 "No... No, John. 945 01:01:22,053 --> 01:01:24,931 She posts them on a thing called Facebook." 946 01:01:25,014 --> 01:01:26,850 "Well, what's Facebook?" 947 01:01:26,933 --> 01:01:31,104 "Well, Facebook, John, is a place where you share your life with the world. 948 01:01:31,187 --> 01:01:32,981 Like, say you're in a restaurant, 949 01:01:33,064 --> 01:01:35,692 and you have a particularly nice ham sandwich..." 950 01:01:46,619 --> 01:01:50,039 "You take out your baby television, and you take a picture. 951 01:01:50,123 --> 01:01:54,293 And you send it to all the other baby televisions all over the world. 952 01:01:54,377 --> 01:01:56,713 And people can look at your ham sandwich. 953 01:01:56,796 --> 01:02:00,717 And if they like it, they press a button on the little baby television. 954 01:02:00,800 --> 01:02:04,971 And if you get 100 likes, you're floating on air for a day or two." 955 01:02:08,474 --> 01:02:09,475 "Well, that's... 956 01:02:11,352 --> 01:02:13,521 That's amazing, Paul." 957 01:02:13,604 --> 01:02:16,733 "Well, sometimes, you get haters and trolls." 958 01:02:17,525 --> 01:02:19,610 "How can you hate a ham sandwich?" 959 01:02:21,445 --> 01:02:22,989 "You'd be surprised, John. 960 01:02:23,072 --> 01:02:25,825 You know, not enough lettuce, too much cheese. 961 01:02:25,909 --> 01:02:28,161 You know, the normal things." 962 01:02:30,371 --> 01:02:32,665 "Do they remember us, Paul?" 963 01:02:32,749 --> 01:02:35,418 "Oh, they do, John. They really do remember us, you know. 964 01:02:35,501 --> 01:02:39,713 After the year 2000, we outsold everyone except Eminem." 965 01:02:39,798 --> 01:02:42,008 "We got outsold by a candy?" 966 01:02:43,217 --> 01:02:45,469 "It's a long story, John." 967 01:02:46,930 --> 01:02:50,224 "Did we ever get ownership of our music back, Paul?" 968 01:02:50,308 --> 01:02:53,644 "Not exactly. No. Michael Jackson bought our music." 969 01:02:54,562 --> 01:02:56,355 "Really?" 970 01:02:56,439 --> 01:02:58,649 "Yeah, you may have seen him up there." 971 01:03:00,151 --> 01:03:02,111 "I haven't seen him up here." 972 01:03:10,036 --> 01:03:12,997 "Well, he's changed a little bit, John." 973 01:03:13,080 --> 01:03:14,665 "I did see a white woman trying 974 01:03:14,749 --> 01:03:17,251 to teach Liz Taylor the moonwalk the other day." 975 01:03:17,877 --> 01:03:19,838 Thank you, guys. You've been awesome. Thank you.