1 00:00:36,568 --> 00:00:39,594 You can always count on the Onion to get the story. 2 00:00:39,672 --> 00:00:42,334 It's America's finest news source. 3 00:00:43,575 --> 00:00:45,668 And now, the Onion News... 4 00:00:45,744 --> 00:00:48,440 America's finest news source. 5 00:00:49,715 --> 00:00:51,683 Featuring Dana Dobbs... 6 00:00:51,750 --> 00:00:54,344 senior correspondent, Kip Kendall... 7 00:00:54,420 --> 00:00:57,753 and award-winning anchor, Norm Archer. 8 00:00:57,823 --> 00:01:00,383 We begin today with news from Detroit... 9 00:01:00,459 --> 00:01:02,689 where automaking giant, American Automotive... 10 00:01:02,761 --> 00:01:07,664 announced a safety recall of all 2004 cars containing neck belts. 11 00:01:07,733 --> 00:01:11,897 The neck belts introduced last month in an attempt to reduce head injuries... 12 00:01:11,971 --> 00:01:14,303 have been found to cause crushed tracheas... 13 00:01:14,373 --> 00:01:17,103 severe spinal damage and violent decapitation. 14 00:01:17,176 --> 00:01:19,235 Daddy's home. Hi, Dad. 15 00:01:24,817 --> 00:01:29,914 Today, the U.S. military announced an innovative new plan to draw new recruits. 16 00:01:29,989 --> 00:01:33,220 You sign up right now... 17 00:01:33,292 --> 00:01:35,692 you get one pair of Ozzfest tickets... 18 00:01:35,761 --> 00:01:38,127 and a set of mud flaps for your truck. 19 00:01:38,197 --> 00:01:41,132 Then after six months of active duty... 20 00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:43,668 you are eligible to receive... 21 00:01:43,736 --> 00:01:45,795 an ounce of weed. 22 00:01:45,871 --> 00:01:48,237 Sweet! 23 00:01:48,307 --> 00:01:51,970 And in six more months, a bunch more weed. 24 00:01:52,044 --> 00:01:55,207 You're fuckin' lying. I get some more weed? 25 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:59,046 And if you serve a tour of duty during a foreign conflict... 26 00:01:59,118 --> 00:02:02,918 you will receive upon your discharge... this. 27 00:02:02,988 --> 00:02:06,617 - A hot bitch poster. - Damn it! Sign me up! 28 00:02:09,461 --> 00:02:12,430 The Internet went down for three hours this morning... 29 00:02:12,498 --> 00:02:15,399 plunging the nation into productivity. 30 00:02:15,467 --> 00:02:19,904 The outage, which caused major work "startages" from New York to California... 31 00:02:19,972 --> 00:02:24,500 prevented an estimated 120 million American employees... 32 00:02:24,576 --> 00:02:27,602 from messing around on the Web at work. 33 00:02:27,679 --> 00:02:30,307 More Onion News after this. 34 00:02:30,382 --> 00:02:33,681 In a world without justice... 35 00:02:34,853 --> 00:02:37,287 where the strong prey on the weak- 36 00:02:46,331 --> 00:02:49,300 One man must face the ultimate challenge- 37 00:02:49,368 --> 00:02:51,598 Master, how did they defeat me? 38 00:02:51,670 --> 00:02:53,797 They used an ancient technique. 39 00:02:53,872 --> 00:02:58,775 It strikes at the very core of a warrior's strength. 40 00:03:00,312 --> 00:03:03,179 For this attack, there is no defense. 41 00:03:03,248 --> 00:03:05,273 Master, will you teach me? 42 00:03:05,350 --> 00:03:09,343 - You are not yet ready, my son. - I'm ready, master. 43 00:03:12,024 --> 00:03:14,458 No, you are not. You have much to learn. 44 00:03:16,895 --> 00:03:18,692 You, young pupil... 45 00:03:18,764 --> 00:03:21,733 shall become... a cockpuncher. 46 00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:24,234 From Global Tetrahedron Pictures- 47 00:03:24,303 --> 00:03:28,069 Steven Seagal is Cockpuncher. 48 00:03:30,576 --> 00:03:32,544 Stop! 49 00:03:41,653 --> 00:03:43,382 Cockpuncher. 50 00:03:43,455 --> 00:03:46,049 I don't think you have the balls. 51 00:03:46,125 --> 00:03:48,423 From Global Tetrahedron Pictures. 52 00:03:48,494 --> 00:03:51,190 That looks awesome! 53 00:03:51,263 --> 00:03:54,596 Sure does, kids. A real whomp in the nut sack. 54 00:03:54,666 --> 00:03:57,157 Honey, have you seen my good black socks? 55 00:04:00,506 --> 00:04:03,031 - Mommy, look. - Honey? 56 00:04:03,108 --> 00:04:06,908 If you see news happening, call the Onion News hotline. 57 00:04:06,979 --> 00:04:11,541 Honey, I cannot find my good black socks. 58 00:04:13,886 --> 00:04:16,047 Hello? Onion News? 59 00:04:24,696 --> 00:04:27,563 My baby! 60 00:04:33,639 --> 00:04:35,732 We're here live with a breaking news story. 61 00:04:35,807 --> 00:04:39,641 Apparently, a local area man has misplaced his black socks. 62 00:04:39,711 --> 00:04:43,306 Mr. McCormick, would you please tell us exactly what happened this morning? 63 00:04:43,382 --> 00:04:47,318 Sure. Um, I got up. It was a normal morning. 64 00:04:47,386 --> 00:04:52,119 The kids are downstairs. And, uh, my wife's giving 'em breakfast. 65 00:04:52,191 --> 00:04:55,888 And all of a sudden, I noticed that my good black socks are missing. 66 00:04:57,963 --> 00:05:00,397 Here's your boy, ma'am, safe and sound. 67 00:05:00,465 --> 00:05:02,558 Oh. Thanks, thanks. 68 00:05:02,634 --> 00:05:05,728 Look, sweetie. Look! 69 00:05:05,804 --> 00:05:07,999 - The Onion News van! - Yeah. 70 00:05:10,676 --> 00:05:13,270 In other news, a local eight-year-old accidentally... 71 00:05:13,345 --> 00:05:16,143 exercised his Second Amendment rights yesterday... 72 00:05:16,215 --> 00:05:20,345 when he blew off his head with his father's semiautomatic rifle. 73 00:05:20,419 --> 00:05:23,786 The fatal incident is being hailed by gun rights activists... 74 00:05:23,855 --> 00:05:27,951 as a victory for America and the Constitution. 75 00:05:31,230 --> 00:05:35,599 - Nobody move, unless you want your head blown off! 76 00:05:35,667 --> 00:05:38,363 - You! - Please. Please don't shoot me. 77 00:05:38,437 --> 00:05:40,371 I'll give you however much you want. 78 00:05:40,439 --> 00:05:43,272 Whoa, whoa, whoa. You think I want money? 79 00:05:43,342 --> 00:05:46,140 You think that's what this is about? 80 00:05:46,211 --> 00:05:48,611 A big, angry black man comes walking in waving a gun... 81 00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:50,614 and you assume he's robbing the place? 82 00:05:50,682 --> 00:05:54,345 I ain't looking for no goddamn handout. I'm looking for a motherfucking job, bitch! 83 00:05:54,419 --> 00:05:59,015 - Excuse me? - You heard me! A motherfucking job! 84 00:05:59,091 --> 00:06:02,788 Don't you see? If you give me money, that'll just help me in the short term. 85 00:06:02,861 --> 00:06:07,855 But a job, that'll help me develop valuable job skills and experience. 86 00:06:07,933 --> 00:06:10,663 It's like teaching a man how to fish. 87 00:06:10,736 --> 00:06:13,466 So quit stalling, get your bitch ass back there... 88 00:06:13,538 --> 00:06:16,632 and give me a 40-hour week position... 89 00:06:16,708 --> 00:06:18,767 with vacation pay and benefits... 90 00:06:18,844 --> 00:06:20,869 you piece of shit motherfucker. 91 00:06:20,946 --> 00:06:22,880 And don't make me ask twice. 92 00:06:22,948 --> 00:06:24,540 Back that ass up. 93 00:06:24,616 --> 00:06:27,483 Let's go. Let's go. I can help the next motherfuckin' person in line. 94 00:06:27,552 --> 00:06:31,545 You in that apricot sweater suit, get your bitch ass on over here now! 95 00:06:31,623 --> 00:06:33,648 How can I help you today? 96 00:06:33,725 --> 00:06:37,855 I'd like to deposit this check, please, into my savings account, and then I need to withdraw- 97 00:06:37,929 --> 00:06:41,592 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just shut the fuck up for a minute. 98 00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:44,295 What the fuck you doin', Liz Anne? You callin' the cops? 99 00:06:44,369 --> 00:06:46,303 - No. - If that's the goddamned cops- 100 00:06:46,371 --> 00:06:50,273 No, no, I swear. I was just on with an account holder. I was advising him- 101 00:06:50,342 --> 00:06:53,175 I'm gonna kill you, bitch! 102 00:06:53,245 --> 00:06:55,907 Who the fuck's this? You a cop? Mm-hmm. 103 00:06:55,981 --> 00:06:58,916 Well, what I recommend is that you keep at least 500 in your checking... 104 00:06:58,984 --> 00:07:00,918 to just avoid the minimum balance fee... 105 00:07:00,986 --> 00:07:04,251 and put the rest in our money market which will earn you an additional 2% interest. 106 00:07:04,323 --> 00:07:07,349 Right. You have a nice day, sir. My pleasure. Uh- 107 00:07:08,694 --> 00:07:10,958 Liz Anne, uh, sorry. 108 00:07:11,029 --> 00:07:12,963 My bad. 109 00:07:13,031 --> 00:07:15,363 That's okay. Honest mistake. 110 00:07:15,434 --> 00:07:18,426 Armed gunman, I've been watching you... 111 00:07:18,503 --> 00:07:22,405 and I must say, I'm impressed. 112 00:07:22,474 --> 00:07:25,204 How'd you like to be our new customer services supervisor? 113 00:07:26,345 --> 00:07:29,075 Mr. P., it'd be my motherfuckin' honor. 114 00:07:50,402 --> 00:07:54,099 Outstanding. Yeah, we're gonna get you an annuity for 12 years on that one. 115 00:07:54,172 --> 00:07:56,106 I'll get you 8% on that one. 116 00:07:56,174 --> 00:07:59,337 Everybody down now! Get the fuck down, everybody! 117 00:07:59,411 --> 00:08:02,346 Give me all the money! Hurry up! Hurry the fuck up! 118 00:08:02,414 --> 00:08:04,348 What you doing? You playing back there? 119 00:08:04,416 --> 00:08:07,647 Load the bag up with money, and nobody else fucking move. 120 00:08:07,719 --> 00:08:09,949 You hurry up! Hurry the fuck up! 121 00:08:10,021 --> 00:08:12,182 Load the bag up! Load the bag- 122 00:08:16,027 --> 00:08:19,895 You sicken me. Asking for a handout... 123 00:08:19,965 --> 00:08:23,423 instead of raising yourself up out of your situation through hard work. 124 00:08:23,502 --> 00:08:27,632 Why don't you get a job like the rest of us? 125 00:08:30,375 --> 00:08:35,836 According to statistics, 87% of U.S. citizens are obese. 126 00:08:35,914 --> 00:08:39,475 And the surgeon general is taking steps to address the problem. 127 00:08:39,551 --> 00:08:42,782 - As a result of the rampant spread of obesity in the U. S... 128 00:08:42,854 --> 00:08:45,914 the government has been forced to raise the definition of obesity... 129 00:08:45,991 --> 00:08:49,358 from 55% body fat to 90%. 130 00:08:49,428 --> 00:08:52,022 The move, which reduces the number of obese Americans... 131 00:08:52,097 --> 00:08:54,827 from 200 million to 185 million... 132 00:08:54,900 --> 00:08:57,892 was widely applauded from coast to coast. 133 00:08:57,969 --> 00:09:01,905 It's high time the government stepped in and did something about this problem. 134 00:09:01,973 --> 00:09:05,500 I don't wanna be obese. Man, that shit is all fucked up. 135 00:09:05,577 --> 00:09:08,478 In other news, Georgia officials announced... 136 00:09:08,547 --> 00:09:12,711 plans to add a swastika and middle finger to the Georgia state flag. 137 00:09:12,784 --> 00:09:17,153 Joe's Diner, an unusual Atlanta area eatery... 138 00:09:17,222 --> 00:09:22,717 was not based around any sports, music, or movie-based theme- 139 00:09:22,794 --> 00:09:25,661 - Have you spoken to Norm about the changes? - Not yet. 140 00:09:25,730 --> 00:09:27,755 - He's not gonna be happy. - But he's got no choice. 141 00:09:27,833 --> 00:09:32,532 Whatever the new parent company says... goes. 142 00:09:34,072 --> 00:09:37,007 Melissa Cherry is America's biggest pop sensation... 143 00:09:37,075 --> 00:09:41,535 selling millions of records to her legions of teenage fans. 144 00:09:41,613 --> 00:09:45,379 But is this young singer sending the wrong message? 145 00:09:45,450 --> 00:09:47,384 Kip Kendall reports. 146 00:09:47,452 --> 00:09:50,216 Her new album, Come With Me... 147 00:09:50,288 --> 00:09:53,689 has gone quadruple platinum and made her a household name. 148 00:09:53,758 --> 00:09:58,422 # Baby, when we kiss my heart just skips a beat # 149 00:09:58,497 --> 00:10:03,059 #And when you hold my hand Oh, I can hardly speak # 150 00:10:03,134 --> 00:10:05,694 # Oh, yeah I'm down on my knees # 151 00:10:05,770 --> 00:10:09,228 But some concerned parents think Melissa Cherry's... 152 00:10:09,307 --> 00:10:11,298 image and music are too sexy... 153 00:10:11,376 --> 00:10:14,368 setting an inappropriate example for their children. 154 00:10:14,446 --> 00:10:18,473 So, what do you say to all the concerned parents out there? 155 00:10:18,550 --> 00:10:22,850 Well, Kip, I honestly don't understand what all the fuss is about. 156 00:10:22,921 --> 00:10:25,389 My music isn't about sex. 157 00:10:25,457 --> 00:10:29,393 It's about being a girl and having fun. 158 00:10:29,461 --> 00:10:33,830 But clearly the song, "Down on my Knees," Melissa, is about fellatio, isn't it? 159 00:10:33,899 --> 00:10:36,333 Ew. It's about how... 160 00:10:36,401 --> 00:10:38,801 like, when you have a big crush on a boy... 161 00:10:38,870 --> 00:10:43,398 sometimes you get down on your knees and, like, beg for their love. 162 00:10:43,475 --> 00:10:48,503 # Oh, I got so much love I need to show it # 163 00:10:50,115 --> 00:10:53,312 What about your first big hit, "Take Me From Behind"? 164 00:10:53,385 --> 00:10:57,253 "Take Me From Behind" isn't sexual at all. 165 00:10:57,322 --> 00:11:00,382 It's about love sneaking up on you. 166 00:11:00,458 --> 00:11:03,154 You know, like from the behind. 167 00:11:03,228 --> 00:11:05,662 You know, it could be a boyfriend's love sneaking up on you... 168 00:11:05,730 --> 00:11:09,598 or a friend's or even Jesus Christ. 169 00:11:09,668 --> 00:11:14,002 # But what I really want is for you to take me from behind # 170 00:11:14,072 --> 00:11:16,370 # Oh, yeah # 171 00:11:16,441 --> 00:11:18,432 # Oh, yeah # 172 00:11:18,510 --> 00:11:21,070 # Oh # 173 00:11:21,146 --> 00:11:23,205 # Oh, oh # 174 00:11:23,281 --> 00:11:27,547 #When you love me right up front you know that I don't mind # 175 00:11:27,619 --> 00:11:31,612 # But what I really want is for you to take me from behind # 176 00:11:33,692 --> 00:11:37,628 Let's talk about the song, "Lollipop Love." 177 00:11:37,696 --> 00:11:41,097 "Lollipop Love" is... 178 00:11:41,166 --> 00:11:44,499 the kind of love that is just really sweet... 179 00:11:44,569 --> 00:11:49,006 and you just kind of want to lick it, you know, and suck it. 180 00:11:51,343 --> 00:11:53,470 # Lollipop Hey, yeah # 181 00:11:53,545 --> 00:11:55,706 # Lollipop # 182 00:11:55,780 --> 00:11:57,680 # Love # 183 00:11:57,749 --> 00:11:59,182 # Lollipop # 184 00:11:59,250 --> 00:12:03,311 # Love Baby, baby # 185 00:12:03,388 --> 00:12:05,913 # Lolly, lolly, lolly lollipop # 186 00:12:05,991 --> 00:12:09,427 # Oh-ho, lollipop love # 187 00:12:09,494 --> 00:12:11,724 Like a lollipop. 188 00:12:14,065 --> 00:12:17,933 What about the song "Shoot Your Love All Over Me"? 189 00:12:18,003 --> 00:12:22,201 That's about how, like, when you're in love... 190 00:12:22,273 --> 00:12:24,264 you just wanna be covered in it. 191 00:12:24,342 --> 00:12:28,608 # Shoot your love all over me # 192 00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:32,582 # Oh, drown me in a milky sea # 193 00:12:32,651 --> 00:12:36,087 # Love all over me # 194 00:12:36,154 --> 00:12:38,520 But clearly, the video seems to tell a different story. 195 00:12:38,590 --> 00:12:41,024 What kind is that? 196 00:12:41,092 --> 00:12:44,619 - The kind with a... cum shot. - I'm a virgin. 197 00:12:44,696 --> 00:12:46,391 How would I know what a facial is? 198 00:12:46,464 --> 00:12:49,661 Sometimes I like dressing up sexy in my videos... 199 00:12:49,734 --> 00:12:52,464 but that's just my way of celebrating being a woman. 200 00:12:52,537 --> 00:12:55,472 You know, people are always gonna try to tear you down... 201 00:12:55,540 --> 00:12:57,701 but that's their problem, not mine. 202 00:12:57,776 --> 00:13:01,143 Because I know who Melissa Cherry is. 203 00:13:01,212 --> 00:13:05,342 She's just a good, old-fashioned country girl from Monroe, Tennessee. 204 00:13:05,417 --> 00:13:07,408 # Baby ## 205 00:13:10,088 --> 00:13:13,216 The pope condemned three more glands today... 206 00:13:13,291 --> 00:13:16,818 bringing the total number of sinful hormone secretion ducts... 207 00:13:16,895 --> 00:13:19,386 on the human body to 11. 208 00:13:20,632 --> 00:13:22,327 In international news... 209 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:28,202 relations between Sloravia and Azmenistan continued to deteriorate... 210 00:13:28,273 --> 00:13:32,607 when Azmenistani... rebels... seized a- 211 00:13:43,354 --> 00:13:45,345 Hey, Norm. 212 00:13:50,762 --> 00:13:52,593 Hey, Norm. Okay. 213 00:13:52,664 --> 00:13:56,395 - Oh, there goes Norm again. - He looks pissed. 214 00:14:07,078 --> 00:14:10,070 Onion tip line. What do you got? 215 00:14:13,952 --> 00:14:16,318 Hey, Norm. What's up? 216 00:14:16,387 --> 00:14:18,378 Hey, Norman. 217 00:14:18,456 --> 00:14:20,356 What the hell was that? 218 00:14:21,693 --> 00:14:24,753 We'd, uh, been meaning to talk to you about that. 219 00:14:24,829 --> 00:14:29,163 Um, it's Globie. It's the Global Tetrahedron penguin. 220 00:14:29,234 --> 00:14:32,362 Yeah, the folks at Global Tetrahedron thought he'd be... 221 00:14:32,437 --> 00:14:36,203 you know, a fun, unobtrusive way to plug the company during the news. 222 00:14:36,274 --> 00:14:38,708 Plus, you gotta admit, he is pretty fucking cute. 223 00:14:38,777 --> 00:14:41,143 Hi, Norm. 224 00:14:41,212 --> 00:14:45,512 Who's the best anchorman in the whole world? You are! 225 00:14:45,583 --> 00:14:49,178 Come on, Norman. You've gotta get with the times, mate. 226 00:14:49,254 --> 00:14:51,984 These kind of tie-ins are commonplace these days, Norman. 227 00:14:52,056 --> 00:14:55,219 It's called synergy, Norm. 228 00:14:55,293 --> 00:14:58,751 We cannot have a shameless ad for our parent company... 229 00:14:58,830 --> 00:15:00,991 running during the newscast. 230 00:15:01,065 --> 00:15:06,435 It's a blatant compromise of our journalistic ethics and integrity. 231 00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:11,941 I'm sorry. It's just that, um- 232 00:15:12,010 --> 00:15:14,035 You know, what you're saying, it's- 233 00:15:14,112 --> 00:15:17,172 It's a steaming pile of shit, mate. 234 00:15:17,248 --> 00:15:23,016 Norm, listen, what he's trying to say is it's, uh, uh- 235 00:15:23,087 --> 00:15:25,385 - It's- - Hilarious! 236 00:15:25,456 --> 00:15:29,256 It's off the wall! It's rude, crude and uncensored. 237 00:15:29,327 --> 00:15:33,286 It's the very best of Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roasts! 238 00:15:33,364 --> 00:15:37,232 Rolly Ingersoll should get cancer and die! 239 00:15:39,504 --> 00:15:43,099 All the top names in the business turn out to give each other the business. 240 00:15:43,174 --> 00:15:45,802 Jack Morton, you're a fuckin' asshole. 241 00:15:45,877 --> 00:15:47,936 You'll get all the zingers. 242 00:15:48,012 --> 00:15:50,572 Fuck you. 243 00:15:50,648 --> 00:15:52,616 All the comebacks. 244 00:15:52,684 --> 00:15:55,983 Suck my dick! 245 00:16:00,291 --> 00:16:02,816 For just 19.99, you'll get the full-length video... 246 00:16:02,894 --> 00:16:06,159 of the best of Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roasts delivered straight to your door. 247 00:16:06,231 --> 00:16:09,325 But wait! If you order by credit card in the next 15 minutes... 248 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:14,428 we'll throw in the second video, where the stars turn the tables and roast Bud himself. 249 00:16:14,505 --> 00:16:16,496 You know what I think you are? 250 00:16:16,574 --> 00:16:18,508 A fucking piece of shit! 251 00:16:20,178 --> 00:16:21,907 New tapes will arrive every other month. 252 00:16:21,980 --> 00:16:27,179 Keep only those you like and return the rest for a full refund. Order today! 253 00:16:27,252 --> 00:16:31,484 I fucked his wife! 254 00:16:31,556 --> 00:16:33,854 In the ass! 255 00:16:33,925 --> 00:16:35,859 Whoo! 256 00:16:40,398 --> 00:16:42,593 From Global Tetrahedron Pictures... 257 00:16:42,667 --> 00:16:46,000 Steven Seagal is... Cockpuncher! 258 00:16:46,070 --> 00:16:49,267 Awesome. 259 00:16:52,844 --> 00:16:55,312 Decadent, immoral, Western filth! 260 00:16:57,916 --> 00:17:00,146 Ooh. 261 00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:04,847 Awesome. 262 00:17:12,897 --> 00:17:15,661 Decadent, immoral, Western filth! 263 00:17:15,733 --> 00:17:18,463 Cockpuncher. 264 00:17:25,610 --> 00:17:28,477 Welcome to the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team. 265 00:17:28,546 --> 00:17:32,505 This training video will teach you what angry slogans to scream. 266 00:17:32,583 --> 00:17:34,949 Death to the godless shit beasts! 267 00:17:35,019 --> 00:17:37,749 How to blend into a typical American city. 268 00:17:37,822 --> 00:17:39,915 Yeah. 269 00:17:39,991 --> 00:17:42,425 And so much more. 270 00:17:42,493 --> 00:17:44,518 Here are Ahmed and Ahman. 271 00:17:44,595 --> 00:17:47,063 They may be brothers, but they couldn't be more different. 272 00:17:47,131 --> 00:17:49,827 Ahmed knows punctuality is important. 273 00:17:49,901 --> 00:17:52,995 He makes sure to leave plenty of time to get to his bombing site. 274 00:17:53,071 --> 00:17:56,234 Death to the godless shit beasts! 275 00:17:56,307 --> 00:17:58,832 Ahman leaves everything to the last minute. 276 00:17:58,910 --> 00:18:01,708 Oh, shit! 277 00:18:01,779 --> 00:18:05,943 Ahmed double-checks the address of the bombing site so there are no mistakes. 278 00:18:06,017 --> 00:18:08,076 Ahman doesn't. 279 00:18:10,154 --> 00:18:11,678 Oh, shit! 280 00:18:11,756 --> 00:18:13,815 Ahmed dresses properly for work... 281 00:18:13,891 --> 00:18:17,349 wearing clothing that is loose enough to hide his explosives. 282 00:18:17,428 --> 00:18:20,329 Ahman dresses inappropriately. 283 00:18:21,632 --> 00:18:23,031 Ooh. 284 00:18:23,101 --> 00:18:25,035 And don't forget, as a martyr... 285 00:18:25,103 --> 00:18:30,234 you'll receive eternal life in paradise for you and 100 of your relatives. 286 00:18:30,308 --> 00:18:33,744 You'll be blessed with unlimited sex from 72 virgins- 287 00:18:33,811 --> 00:18:38,874 - Awesome. - Thirty-five U.S. dollars and a bunch more weed. 288 00:18:38,950 --> 00:18:42,613 - Awesome. - So welcome to the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team... 289 00:18:42,687 --> 00:18:45,212 where work is truly a blast. 290 00:18:50,661 --> 00:18:53,323 Oh, shit! 291 00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:59,567 Death to godless shit beasts! 292 00:19:01,639 --> 00:19:04,437 - I'm gonna call Sarah. - Yeah. 293 00:19:04,509 --> 00:19:07,410 - Hey, guys. How's it going? - What took you so long? 294 00:19:07,478 --> 00:19:10,208 I was playing Suicide Bomber. Have you heard from Tim tonight? 295 00:19:10,281 --> 00:19:12,875 - No. - No? That's weird. 296 00:19:12,950 --> 00:19:15,783 I was gonna call Sarah. 297 00:19:15,853 --> 00:19:20,756 Yeah, yeah! What's up, playas? 298 00:19:20,825 --> 00:19:24,283 Lake Shore Bluff represent! Yeah! 299 00:19:24,362 --> 00:19:26,353 Show some love, fool! 300 00:19:28,399 --> 00:19:30,594 Hey, Tim. 301 00:19:30,668 --> 00:19:33,535 Damn! LittleJ... 302 00:19:36,340 --> 00:19:39,241 you are lookin' mad fly, boo. 303 00:19:40,678 --> 00:19:44,079 - You feel me? - Sure, Tim. 304 00:19:44,148 --> 00:19:48,346 I just bounced from this mad, crazy, ill party, dude. 305 00:19:48,419 --> 00:19:52,219 I was hangin' out with these niggas over in Pleasant Oaks and shit. 306 00:19:52,290 --> 00:19:55,123 You were hanging out with real black people? 307 00:19:56,661 --> 00:20:00,757 No, but they was blastin' some crazy, phat beats, son! 308 00:20:00,832 --> 00:20:03,699 They was pourin' out some Cristal... 309 00:20:03,768 --> 00:20:07,363 breakin' off some endo smoke. 310 00:20:07,438 --> 00:20:10,202 You know what I'm sayin'? Just wildin' out! 311 00:20:12,910 --> 00:20:16,676 - Yeah. - Yo, I'm gonna score me a bag of Doritos. 312 00:20:16,747 --> 00:20:19,648 Y'all straight? Yeah? All right. 313 00:20:19,717 --> 00:20:22,845 Code Two. Code Two. Intersection of 12th and Grand. 314 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:25,184 We have visual confirmation on the suspect. 315 00:20:27,725 --> 00:20:29,920 - This is Unit One. - Hit it. 316 00:20:29,994 --> 00:20:31,928 All possible units, please respond. 317 00:20:35,433 --> 00:20:38,732 And this booty that was like- 318 00:20:42,273 --> 00:20:45,674 Yo, what the fuck is this? 319 00:20:45,743 --> 00:20:48,837 - What's going on, Officers? - The yarn store down the road was just held up... 320 00:20:48,913 --> 00:20:52,440 by a young black male fitting your friend's description. 321 00:20:52,517 --> 00:20:54,849 What? 322 00:20:54,919 --> 00:20:57,547 What are you- What are you talking about? It-It wasn't me. 323 00:20:57,622 --> 00:20:59,556 - No, it's not you? - No. 324 00:20:59,624 --> 00:21:03,287 Hey, Frank, you see any other young black males here in Lake Shore Bluff? 325 00:21:03,361 --> 00:21:05,921 - Don't see any. - What? 326 00:21:05,997 --> 00:21:09,763 - In the car, darky. - But I'm- I'm not black. 327 00:21:09,834 --> 00:21:11,927 I'm white. My whole family's white. 328 00:21:12,003 --> 00:21:14,767 My dad's Irish. My mom's Norwegian. 329 00:21:14,839 --> 00:21:18,775 We go to the Fourth Avenue Lutheran Church where I help with the bake sale every Sunday. 330 00:21:18,843 --> 00:21:20,936 Settle down back there, chocolate! 331 00:21:23,181 --> 00:21:26,548 Let's stand right over here. Don't worry about anything. 332 00:21:26,617 --> 00:21:28,551 Nobody can see you. 333 00:21:28,619 --> 00:21:31,747 Now, I just want you to point to the perpetrator for me. 334 00:21:33,824 --> 00:21:38,523 Him. That... Negro. 335 00:21:38,596 --> 00:21:40,587 Okay, thanks. We can go. 336 00:21:47,338 --> 00:21:50,000 This is Dana Dobbs here at Lake Shore Bluff... 337 00:21:50,074 --> 00:21:55,637 where any second now we'll hear the verdict in the Timothy Shanahan case. 338 00:21:55,713 --> 00:21:58,807 Will the defendant please rise? 339 00:22:01,919 --> 00:22:05,082 Ladies and gentleman, have you reached a verdict? 340 00:22:05,156 --> 00:22:08,023 Yes, we have, Your Honor. We, the jury... 341 00:22:08,092 --> 00:22:10,253 find the Negro... guilty. 342 00:22:10,328 --> 00:22:14,264 There you have it. The Negro is guilty. 343 00:22:17,168 --> 00:22:22,367 - Welcome to Focus on Film with Kenneth Garber. 344 00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:25,170 Hello. We are now a good way through the film... 345 00:22:25,243 --> 00:22:29,009 so we thought it would be a good time to get some perspective on it. 346 00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:32,049 And joining us to provide just that... 347 00:22:32,116 --> 00:22:35,085 are Nicholas Van Essen and Raymond Marcus. 348 00:22:35,152 --> 00:22:39,452 Offer us, if you will, your take on how the film is doing thus far. 349 00:22:39,523 --> 00:22:43,721 I'll have to say, Kenneth, that I am very impressed. 350 00:22:43,794 --> 00:22:47,230 Sketch after sketch, we're being treated to... 351 00:22:47,298 --> 00:22:51,234 a brilliantly biting skewering of contemporary social mores. 352 00:22:51,302 --> 00:22:53,361 Well, Raymond, what do you think? 353 00:22:53,437 --> 00:22:55,997 - I must strenuously disagree. - Ah. 354 00:22:56,073 --> 00:23:01,067 This is nothing but vulgar, low-brow, potty humor thinly disguised as satire. 355 00:23:01,145 --> 00:23:05,479 It saddens me that the Onion has stooped to this lowest common denominator... 356 00:23:05,549 --> 00:23:07,517 pandering to the masses. 357 00:23:07,585 --> 00:23:10,383 Well, now for a third opinion... 358 00:23:10,454 --> 00:23:12,388 let's go straight to the source. 359 00:23:12,456 --> 00:23:16,358 We have with us here in the studio a very special guest. 360 00:23:16,427 --> 00:23:18,361 Welcome, Masses. 361 00:23:20,831 --> 00:23:23,391 So, what do you think of the film? 362 00:23:23,467 --> 00:23:25,765 It's pretty cool so far, I guess. 363 00:23:25,836 --> 00:23:29,203 That Cockpuncher dude is awesome. Bam! Right in the balls. 364 00:23:29,273 --> 00:23:34,438 But this part, with these film-expert assholes- 365 00:23:34,512 --> 00:23:38,881 I mean, why do you even have these two gaywads in the movie for anyways? 366 00:23:38,949 --> 00:23:40,780 Fags! 367 00:23:40,851 --> 00:23:44,150 Lose 'em and let's get on with the movie, dude. 368 00:23:44,221 --> 00:23:47,713 Gentlemen, experience the majestic splendor... 369 00:23:47,792 --> 00:23:51,455 of a cruise aboard the luxurious Queen Nathan II. 370 00:23:51,529 --> 00:23:55,693 On the Queen Nathan, there's so much for today's gay man to enjoy- 371 00:23:55,766 --> 00:23:59,600 shuffleboard, exquisite cuisine... 372 00:23:59,670 --> 00:24:01,695 monster cocks. 373 00:24:01,772 --> 00:24:03,899 Grab a pole and go deep-sea fishing. 374 00:24:03,974 --> 00:24:07,068 Work those muscles in our shipboard gym. 375 00:24:07,144 --> 00:24:09,544 Enjoy our world-class spa. 376 00:24:09,613 --> 00:24:12,639 Or take a thrilling Las Vegas-style revue. 377 00:24:12,717 --> 00:24:15,811 Yes, whether you want to scuba dive, get blown... 378 00:24:15,886 --> 00:24:18,878 or play blackjack in our glamorous casino... 379 00:24:18,956 --> 00:24:20,947 the Queen Nathan II's got what you're looking for. 380 00:24:21,025 --> 00:24:24,893 So climb aboard the Queen Nathan II. 381 00:24:24,962 --> 00:24:29,490 And now it's time for Little-Known Racial Stereotypes. 382 00:24:29,567 --> 00:24:32,764 Yes, everyone knows that Italians are all mobsters... 383 00:24:32,837 --> 00:24:35,101 and Native Americans are all drunks. 384 00:24:35,172 --> 00:24:39,199 But did you know that blacks love taffy? 385 00:24:39,276 --> 00:24:43,303 It's also true that Eskimos run all the locksmith shops... 386 00:24:43,381 --> 00:24:46,544 the Irish have enormous nipples... 387 00:24:46,617 --> 00:24:50,713 and Puerto Ricans can dangle from steel beams for hours at a time. 388 00:24:50,788 --> 00:24:53,086 Damn, that's unbelievable. 389 00:24:53,157 --> 00:24:55,489 - How does he do that? - Oh, he's a Puerto Rican. 390 00:24:55,559 --> 00:24:57,493 - Also... - Y'ello? 391 00:24:57,561 --> 00:25:00,086 did you know that the Dutch enjoy speaking with telemarketers? 392 00:25:00,164 --> 00:25:04,430 Visa? With a special credit card offer? 393 00:25:04,502 --> 00:25:09,303 Peruvians love to swoop in and save the day at the last minute. 394 00:25:09,373 --> 00:25:12,240 And they can shoot laser beams out of their eyes. 395 00:25:12,309 --> 00:25:16,143 And, of course, all Arabs are terrorists. 396 00:25:16,213 --> 00:25:20,013 Ah, stereotypes. Can you imagine a world without them? 397 00:25:28,926 --> 00:25:32,054 Okay, that must be our final player. 398 00:25:37,201 --> 00:25:39,135 - Hi, Julie! - Hi. 399 00:25:39,203 --> 00:25:41,467 - Welcome. - Oh, your house is so lovely. 400 00:25:41,539 --> 00:25:44,030 Oh, thank you! Come on in. 401 00:25:44,108 --> 00:25:47,043 - Everybody, this is Julie. - Hi. 402 00:25:47,111 --> 00:25:49,511 - Pretty cute, huh? - Hi, Julie. 403 00:25:49,580 --> 00:25:52,413 Have a seat. So, I understand this is your first whodunit party? 404 00:25:52,483 --> 00:25:54,542 Ah, you are gonna have so much fun! Okay! 405 00:25:54,618 --> 00:25:58,554 With any luck, by the end of the night we'll figure out which one of us did the dirty deed. 406 00:25:58,622 --> 00:26:03,184 Any one of us could be the rapist! 407 00:26:03,260 --> 00:26:07,663 - I'm sorry. Did you say "rapist?" - Yeah. Yeah, I did. 408 00:26:07,731 --> 00:26:12,293 Don't these things usually revolve around, um, a murder? 409 00:26:12,369 --> 00:26:15,236 Yeah, Julie, see, we do this every few months... 410 00:26:15,306 --> 00:26:19,606 and frankly, we were getting a little bored with murder. 411 00:26:19,677 --> 00:26:22,578 So I was like, " Isn't there some other violent crime we can reenact?" 412 00:26:22,646 --> 00:26:26,013 And I'm in the store the other day... and I find this. 413 00:26:27,785 --> 00:26:31,585 How fantastic is that? 414 00:26:31,655 --> 00:26:35,955 So, anyway, Julie, since you are new, luckyJulie... 415 00:26:36,026 --> 00:26:40,395 you get to be the victim. 416 00:26:40,464 --> 00:26:42,591 Okay? 417 00:26:42,666 --> 00:26:45,726 - Ooh. - So, I want you to put this on. Hop up. 418 00:26:45,803 --> 00:26:48,067 Okay, so here's what's gonna happen. 419 00:26:48,138 --> 00:26:52,165 The lights are gonna go out. So, you lie down on the floor. 420 00:26:52,243 --> 00:26:56,771 We're all gonna come running in, but you're gonna be unconscious, so you stay down there. 421 00:26:56,847 --> 00:26:59,975 Don't you think this is a little... sick? 422 00:27:00,050 --> 00:27:03,918 Oh, sweetie, it's all in fun. No one's actually raping anyone. 423 00:27:06,056 --> 00:27:08,991 I mean, you wouldn't have a problem with a murder-mystery game now, would you? 424 00:27:09,059 --> 00:27:12,392 - I guess not. - Yeah, so why would you object to a game... 425 00:27:12,463 --> 00:27:16,399 revolving around a lesser crime where no one even loses their life? 426 00:27:16,467 --> 00:27:18,401 - Well, it's just different. - Oh, "it's just, it's just"! 427 00:27:18,469 --> 00:27:21,734 Come on, guys. Let's play the game. 428 00:27:21,805 --> 00:27:24,603 Get your cards. Okay? 429 00:27:27,077 --> 00:27:29,307 CD in here. You got that on, sweetie? 430 00:27:29,380 --> 00:27:31,644 Okay, get down on the floor. Get down on the floor. 431 00:27:31,715 --> 00:27:33,842 Ready for a rapin'? 432 00:27:36,587 --> 00:27:40,318 Oh, no, please don't rape me. 433 00:27:40,391 --> 00:27:44,293 - Shut up, you bitch! - No, no, please, Mr. Raper Man. 434 00:27:44,361 --> 00:27:46,556 - Shut the fuck up! - What are you doing? 435 00:27:46,630 --> 00:27:48,564 Shut up, bitch! 436 00:27:48,632 --> 00:27:51,123 - Oh, no! - Shut up! 437 00:27:56,740 --> 00:27:58,708 Wow. 438 00:27:58,776 --> 00:28:02,974 " Oh, no. The sweet, innocent, young daughter of Mayor Lewis has been raped. 439 00:28:03,047 --> 00:28:06,608 Lock the door. No one is leaving until we figure out who did it." 440 00:28:06,684 --> 00:28:08,618 - Nice accent. - Thanks, man. 441 00:28:08,686 --> 00:28:11,655 Who committed this rape? Hmm? 442 00:28:11,722 --> 00:28:14,213 Was it... the creepy uncle? 443 00:28:16,226 --> 00:28:19,059 The handsome, young Ivy League fraternity brother... 444 00:28:19,129 --> 00:28:22,155 who's used to getting what and who he wants? 445 00:28:24,301 --> 00:28:26,861 Um, the prisoner just released on parole? That's me. 446 00:28:26,937 --> 00:28:30,873 Or the vaguely hermaphroditic night nurse... 447 00:28:30,941 --> 00:28:32,909 from the senior center just down the block? 448 00:28:32,977 --> 00:28:37,812 Ooh, he's so creepy! Okay, come on. Let's play! Let's play! 449 00:28:37,881 --> 00:28:40,714 "I was with my wife. 450 00:28:40,784 --> 00:28:44,618 "Besides, that bitch has been making up stories since she was four. 451 00:28:44,688 --> 00:28:47,350 You can't believe anything she says!" 452 00:28:47,424 --> 00:28:50,518 "I have 22 fraternity brothers who will vouch that I was with them." 453 00:28:52,496 --> 00:28:56,023 Oh, I bet you do. Okay, time to spin. 454 00:28:56,100 --> 00:28:59,433 Whoa, Julie, I know this is your first time... 455 00:28:59,503 --> 00:29:02,563 - but you're not acting very raped. - Okay. 456 00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:06,041 Oh, no, no, Julie, you can't stand up. You've just been raped. 457 00:29:06,110 --> 00:29:08,943 The rapist shattered your pelvis with a baseball bat. 458 00:29:11,015 --> 00:29:12,949 Um, I'm leaving. 459 00:29:13,017 --> 00:29:15,781 Wha-What? Where are you going? 460 00:29:15,853 --> 00:29:19,880 Ju- Come-Julie, wh- 461 00:29:21,191 --> 00:29:23,182 Now what? 462 00:29:25,362 --> 00:29:29,128 I guess you guys are just gonna have to rape me. 463 00:29:29,199 --> 00:29:32,293 Oh, no, please don't rape me. 464 00:29:35,539 --> 00:29:39,635 Taffy? God! Fucking blacks! 465 00:29:43,781 --> 00:29:47,080 The nation's anti-tobacco lobby won another victory today... 466 00:29:47,151 --> 00:29:51,645 when Congress passed legislation restricting smoking within U.S. borders... 467 00:29:51,722 --> 00:29:54,088 to a single room in Iowa. 468 00:29:54,158 --> 00:29:56,820 - Traffic was backed up from Nevada all the way to lowa... 469 00:29:56,894 --> 00:29:59,294 as smokers tried to get to the lounge. 470 00:29:59,363 --> 00:30:02,662 Move the car, you old, fucking bitch! 471 00:30:02,733 --> 00:30:05,634 Smokers from across the country are making the long journey... 472 00:30:05,703 --> 00:30:09,799 to the 10-by-10 smoker's lounge in Des Moines, Iowa. 473 00:30:09,873 --> 00:30:13,741 I drove all the way from San Francisco just to sneak a smoke in on my lunch break. 474 00:30:13,811 --> 00:30:16,678 I'm supposed to be back at work in 10 minutes. 475 00:30:16,747 --> 00:30:20,342 It's a 37-hour drive. It's fuckin' bullshit! 476 00:30:20,417 --> 00:30:24,478 In legal news, a judge has declared local aerobics instructor... 477 00:30:24,555 --> 00:30:29,822 and accused murderer, Jennifer Porter, too fit to stand trial. 478 00:30:29,893 --> 00:30:32,726 Judge Edward Conlin said that the suspect... 479 00:30:32,796 --> 00:30:35,856 with her washboard abs and powerful leg muscles... 480 00:30:35,933 --> 00:30:38,527 is of too sound body... 481 00:30:38,602 --> 00:30:41,969 to be tried for the killing of her ex-lover. 482 00:30:44,341 --> 00:30:47,105 According to a new medical study... 483 00:30:47,177 --> 00:30:50,510 depression hits losers hardest. 484 00:30:50,581 --> 00:30:53,880 The study found that extreme, debilitating depression... 485 00:30:53,951 --> 00:30:57,284 most commonly afflicts those who are total screw-ups... 486 00:30:57,354 --> 00:30:59,618 who can't do anything right. 487 00:31:06,096 --> 00:31:08,030 Are you ready? 488 00:31:09,099 --> 00:31:11,499 Oooh. 489 00:31:11,568 --> 00:31:16,028 # Baby, when we kiss my heart just skips a beat # 490 00:31:16,106 --> 00:31:20,839 #And when you hold my hand Oh, I can hardly speak # 491 00:31:20,911 --> 00:31:26,008 # But there's one kind of lovin' that we can't do face to face # 492 00:31:26,083 --> 00:31:31,749 # So let me give you some affection just below your waist # 493 00:31:31,822 --> 00:31:34,950 - I like that. - # Oh, yeah, I'm down on my knees for you # 494 00:31:35,025 --> 00:31:39,018 # I'm beggin' please, please for you # 495 00:31:39,096 --> 00:31:43,829 # Oh, got so much love I need to show it # 496 00:31:43,901 --> 00:31:47,428 # It's a big job Don't wanna blow it # 497 00:31:47,504 --> 00:31:50,667 # Oh, yeah Oh, yeah # 498 00:31:50,741 --> 00:31:53,733 # Oh # 499 00:31:55,579 --> 00:31:57,740 # Baby Down on my knees # 500 00:31:57,815 --> 00:31:59,749 # Beggin' please, please ## 501 00:31:59,817 --> 00:32:02,615 From Global Tetrahedron Pictures, Steven Seagal is- 502 00:32:02,686 --> 00:32:07,055 Hey, welcome to Volt Village. My name's Dirk. What can I help you find today? 503 00:32:07,124 --> 00:32:09,524 Hey, Dirk. Um, my computer... 504 00:32:09,593 --> 00:32:12,790 it's a few years old, and I feel like I'm ready for a new one. 505 00:32:12,863 --> 00:32:15,855 I got just the thing. 506 00:32:15,933 --> 00:32:19,664 The Bates 4000. Absolute cutting-edge. 507 00:32:19,736 --> 00:32:22,466 These babies came in on Tuesday. They're packed, man. 508 00:32:22,539 --> 00:32:24,837 Eighty "G's" of RAM. 509 00:32:24,908 --> 00:32:27,900 We're talking a quad-port 900 processor... 510 00:32:27,978 --> 00:32:30,674 D.V.K. compatible memory card... 511 00:32:30,747 --> 00:32:32,681 dual-burning DVD drives... 512 00:32:32,749 --> 00:32:35,912 plus a 16,000 C.T.C. combo-drive... 513 00:32:35,986 --> 00:32:38,716 with a plus-four digital upgrade card. 514 00:32:38,789 --> 00:32:41,724 This will knock the shit out of your ass. 515 00:32:43,427 --> 00:32:47,090 Well, I'm just looking for your basic, simple home computer. 516 00:32:47,164 --> 00:32:51,294 I know, your wife has you by the purse strings. But you know what? 517 00:32:51,368 --> 00:32:53,996 This is the Bates 4000. It doesn't get any better than this. 518 00:32:54,071 --> 00:32:56,665 It's not going anywhere. This is the future. 519 00:32:56,740 --> 00:32:59,504 Well, I have the Bates 1000 and that worked- 520 00:32:59,576 --> 00:33:01,942 Oh, excuse me. You have the Bates 1000. 521 00:33:02,012 --> 00:33:05,675 Oh, that's great! Fuck, man, wow! 522 00:33:05,749 --> 00:33:09,344 Maybe you should talk to a homeless woman outside 'cause maybe she'll be impressed. 523 00:33:09,419 --> 00:33:11,512 Those things are barbaric. 524 00:33:11,588 --> 00:33:14,523 I mean, last time I checked, they didn't even have a delete key on it. 525 00:33:14,591 --> 00:33:19,426 I'm joking, of course. But look, this is the future. You get my point? 526 00:33:19,496 --> 00:33:22,659 - Yeah. - Okay? Let's write you up. 527 00:33:22,733 --> 00:33:26,294 - All right, let's do it. - All right, my friend. 528 00:33:30,741 --> 00:33:33,904 Wow, honey. Are you sure we needed such a fancy one? 529 00:33:33,977 --> 00:33:36,741 You kidding? This thing's got a quad-port 900 processor... 530 00:33:36,813 --> 00:33:39,714 and a 16,000 C.T.D. combo-drive with- 531 00:33:39,783 --> 00:33:43,844 Dude, you're not still using the Bates 4000, are you? 532 00:33:43,921 --> 00:33:46,048 That thing's ancient. 533 00:33:46,123 --> 00:33:48,353 - Really? - Really. 534 00:33:48,425 --> 00:33:53,829 You got to get you one of these: the Bates 5000. 535 00:33:53,897 --> 00:33:55,990 Absolute cutting-edge. 536 00:33:56,066 --> 00:33:59,558 Wow, that is newer. Thanks. 537 00:34:01,705 --> 00:34:03,570 The new Bates 5000. 538 00:34:03,640 --> 00:34:07,167 Throw your 4000 away. It's a piece of shit. 539 00:34:17,621 --> 00:34:20,749 This is Hard Drive Hal, your computer expert. 540 00:34:20,824 --> 00:34:24,282 My guest today is Bates C.E.O. Gil Bates. 541 00:34:24,361 --> 00:34:27,990 Now, he's here to talk about perhaps the most powerful machine ever built: 542 00:34:28,065 --> 00:34:31,694 the Bates 6000, and it's available in stores right now. 543 00:34:34,838 --> 00:34:37,671 Asshole! 544 00:34:44,648 --> 00:34:47,082 Hey, I just dropped off a shipment of the Bates 7000s. 545 00:34:47,150 --> 00:34:49,778 Now, what do you want me to do with the leftover 6000s? 546 00:34:49,853 --> 00:34:54,085 6000s? Throw 'em in the fucking garbage where they belong. 547 00:34:57,160 --> 00:35:00,960 That's right. Twice the memory capacity of the 8000. 548 00:35:01,031 --> 00:35:04,091 Mr. Bates, you have a visitor. - Hang on. Come in. 549 00:35:04,167 --> 00:35:06,931 Hi. 550 00:35:07,004 --> 00:35:11,600 Bates was 42. 551 00:35:11,675 --> 00:35:15,406 In other news, after a six-month stint at the Betty King Clinic... 552 00:35:15,479 --> 00:35:18,471 actor Bryce Brand finally returned home today. 553 00:35:18,548 --> 00:35:23,042 That's right, Norm. I'm here outside superstar Bryce Brand's Hollywood Hills mansion... 554 00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:28,080 where, at any moment, he's due to return from his stay at the Betty King Clinic. 555 00:35:28,158 --> 00:35:30,422 Bryce! 556 00:35:34,297 --> 00:35:36,663 Bobby, baby! 557 00:35:36,733 --> 00:35:39,293 - Bryce. - Bobby, baby! 558 00:35:39,369 --> 00:35:42,930 Bobby, baby! 559 00:35:43,006 --> 00:35:45,998 - I'm back! - You look great. 560 00:35:46,076 --> 00:35:50,410 I cannot tell you how good I feel now that I'm off the drugs... 561 00:35:50,480 --> 00:35:52,573 and high on life. 562 00:35:52,649 --> 00:35:54,776 Hey, that's what they're saying. 563 00:35:55,852 --> 00:36:01,518 Oh, man, was I a mess. 564 00:36:01,591 --> 00:36:05,254 But all that's changed now that I'm clean and sober. 565 00:36:05,328 --> 00:36:10,561 You know, I never knew how amazing life can be without the haze of drugs. 566 00:36:10,634 --> 00:36:14,866 It's just the little things, like... 567 00:36:14,938 --> 00:36:17,736 smelling the flowers- 568 00:36:20,243 --> 00:36:24,771 Or watching the sunset, or just walking along the beach. 569 00:36:24,848 --> 00:36:29,376 You know, these things get me way higher than drugs ever could. 570 00:36:29,453 --> 00:36:31,717 That's great, um, Bryce. 571 00:36:31,788 --> 00:36:35,622 So, we have got a lot of catching up to do with your career. 572 00:36:35,692 --> 00:36:38,126 Now I brought a script. It is fantastic. 573 00:36:38,195 --> 00:36:40,823 Actually, your part is comedic. Uh, sort of a wise-cracking- 574 00:36:40,897 --> 00:36:43,229 Bob, this chamomile is so amazing. 575 00:36:43,300 --> 00:36:46,861 It is blowing my mind, man. Smell this. 576 00:36:46,937 --> 00:36:49,201 No. Thank you, though. 577 00:36:49,272 --> 00:36:52,469 Um, back to the script. Again, it took a lot to get this- 578 00:36:52,542 --> 00:36:54,874 Bob, one thing sobriety has taught me... 579 00:36:54,945 --> 00:36:59,075 is that you have to take time out to enjoy life's little pleasures. 580 00:36:59,149 --> 00:37:02,141 Can you put the tea down for a sec? 581 00:37:03,753 --> 00:37:06,916 - Bryce? - Oh, my God. 582 00:37:06,990 --> 00:37:09,322 - Bryce. - Oh, my God. 583 00:37:13,396 --> 00:37:16,263 The nation's rapidly growing prison population... 584 00:37:16,333 --> 00:37:19,097 which recently passed the 20 million mark... 585 00:37:19,169 --> 00:37:21,865 has created a severe overcrowding problem. 586 00:37:21,938 --> 00:37:24,372 In an attempt to alleviate the overcrowding... 587 00:37:24,441 --> 00:37:27,968 the government announced today that a random selection of U.S. households... 588 00:37:28,044 --> 00:37:31,036 will be asked to take prisoners into their homes. 589 00:37:35,719 --> 00:37:39,553 Hi. Uh, I'm Dick. 590 00:37:41,158 --> 00:37:43,092 This-This is my wife, Sarah. 591 00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:44,957 This is our daughter, Allie. 592 00:37:45,028 --> 00:37:48,657 And this is our son, Bobby. He's 10. 593 00:37:48,732 --> 00:37:51,633 Welcome to our home. 594 00:37:51,701 --> 00:37:53,635 'Sup. 595 00:37:56,907 --> 00:37:59,307 Don't drop this shit on me, bitch! 596 00:37:59,376 --> 00:38:04,370 What the fuck are you doing? Don't just stand there! Get your man something to drink! 597 00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:13,746 Damn, it's good to see some women. 598 00:38:13,823 --> 00:38:15,757 Mm-mm-mm. 599 00:38:15,825 --> 00:38:19,989 Mr. Prisoner, my tattoo hurts. 600 00:38:20,063 --> 00:38:22,463 Lights out, guys. 601 00:38:24,467 --> 00:38:27,129 If successful, another 20,000 prisoners... 602 00:38:27,204 --> 00:38:31,504 will be moved to suburban homes by the first of next month. 603 00:38:35,212 --> 00:38:38,272 Hello and welcome once again to Focus on Film. 604 00:38:38,348 --> 00:38:40,282 I'm Kenneth Garber. 605 00:38:40,350 --> 00:38:43,080 And I'm joined by Kwame Roberts... 606 00:38:43,153 --> 00:38:46,122 president of the National Coalition of African Americans... 607 00:38:46,189 --> 00:38:51,149 and James Nakatami, director of the Asian American Alliance for Equality. 608 00:38:51,228 --> 00:38:53,719 Mr. Roberts, let's start with you. 609 00:38:53,797 --> 00:38:59,133 Your organization is not pleased with this film's depiction of African Americans. 610 00:38:59,202 --> 00:39:02,069 Oh, that is absolutely correct, Kenneth. 611 00:39:02,138 --> 00:39:04,436 We are just about halfway through the film... 612 00:39:04,507 --> 00:39:08,170 and we've yet to see a dignified portrayal of a person of color. 613 00:39:08,245 --> 00:39:12,682 So far, we've only been shown as vicious criminals or sex fiends. 614 00:39:12,749 --> 00:39:14,717 Just take a look at that last sketch. 615 00:39:14,784 --> 00:39:17,116 So, what specifically is your group demanding? 616 00:39:17,187 --> 00:39:21,214 The filmmakers put a positive black role model on that screen in the next 10 minutes... 617 00:39:21,291 --> 00:39:25,921 or we will be organizing a nationwide walkout of black moviegoers. 618 00:39:25,996 --> 00:39:29,397 That means every single African American currently watching this film... 619 00:39:29,466 --> 00:39:31,400 will exit the theater. 620 00:39:31,468 --> 00:39:33,732 Mr. Nakatami, you are equally unhappy? 621 00:39:33,803 --> 00:39:36,465 Thus far, there are maybe one... 622 00:39:36,539 --> 00:39:40,498 or, at the most, two, three Asian faces in the film. 623 00:39:40,577 --> 00:39:43,808 How do you feel about such gross underrepresentation? 624 00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:46,781 Me no "rikey." 625 00:39:48,652 --> 00:39:50,244 Excuse me? 626 00:39:50,320 --> 00:39:52,652 Me no "rikey." 627 00:39:52,722 --> 00:39:56,658 And... back to the film. 628 00:39:56,893 --> 00:39:59,919 In legal news, local 18-year-old Joey Frankel... 629 00:39:59,996 --> 00:40:04,296 is suing for the right to be sexually harassed in the workplace. 630 00:40:04,367 --> 00:40:07,962 Frankel, an employee at Carl's Copy Shop in Phoenix... 631 00:40:08,038 --> 00:40:10,302 alleged that during his three years there... 632 00:40:10,373 --> 00:40:15,436 not a single female coworker made inappropriate sexual advances toward him... 633 00:40:15,512 --> 00:40:18,276 either verbal or physical. 634 00:40:19,516 --> 00:40:21,643 In other news, health officials have confirmed... 635 00:40:21,718 --> 00:40:24,619 that a potentially deadly airborne virus... 636 00:40:24,688 --> 00:40:27,248 has been spreading across eastern Canada. 637 00:40:27,324 --> 00:40:31,055 And is now moving south towards the coast of- 638 00:40:42,205 --> 00:40:44,139 Hey, Norm. 639 00:40:49,612 --> 00:40:51,546 Hey, Norm. Okay. 640 00:40:51,614 --> 00:40:54,845 - Oh, there goes Norm again. - He looks pissed. 641 00:41:05,929 --> 00:41:08,261 Onion tip line. What do you got? 642 00:41:11,668 --> 00:41:13,602 - All right. Listen to me. - Hi, Norm. 643 00:41:13,670 --> 00:41:18,107 Our job isn't to advertise our parent company's movie via goddamn penguin. 644 00:41:18,174 --> 00:41:21,575 Our job is to deliver to the American people... 645 00:41:21,644 --> 00:41:24,807 fair, balanced, hard-hitting news. 646 00:41:24,881 --> 00:41:30,148 In this crazy world, the Onion may be the only news source that people can truly trust. 647 00:41:30,220 --> 00:41:33,348 Look, don't be so naive, Norm. This is a business. 648 00:41:35,992 --> 00:41:39,393 Listen, Norm. I know you're not gonna want to hear this. 649 00:41:39,462 --> 00:41:41,453 But the suits at Global Tetrahedron... 650 00:41:41,531 --> 00:41:45,365 want you to open up Friday's broadcast with a slightly different lead story. 651 00:41:48,638 --> 00:41:51,801 But Friday is the day Azmenistan gave Sloravia... 652 00:41:51,875 --> 00:41:54,867 as a deadline for pulling out of the Uzbagiyak region. 653 00:41:54,944 --> 00:41:58,345 It's also the day that Cockpuncher opens. 654 00:41:58,415 --> 00:42:02,511 I mean, this Azmenistani, uh, sloppy ground thing is all well and good, right? 655 00:42:02,585 --> 00:42:05,076 But it's a million miles away. Nobody gives a fuck about it. 656 00:42:05,155 --> 00:42:08,818 The more important news story right now is Cockpuncher mania. 657 00:42:08,892 --> 00:42:11,053 It's sweeping the nation. 658 00:42:11,127 --> 00:42:13,994 And it better sweep your newscast Friday. 659 00:42:15,865 --> 00:42:17,230 Take a putt? 660 00:42:18,401 --> 00:42:19,868 No? 661 00:42:29,779 --> 00:42:33,374 You owe me a pound, you son of a bitch. I made that last one. 662 00:42:33,583 --> 00:42:36,245 From Global Tetrahedron Pictures... 663 00:42:36,319 --> 00:42:38,810 - Steven Seagal is- - Awesome! 664 00:42:38,888 --> 00:42:43,222 Goddamn whorish corporate plugs. 665 00:42:45,995 --> 00:42:47,929 I'm a newsman, damn it. 666 00:42:47,997 --> 00:42:50,192 Oh! 667 00:42:53,770 --> 00:42:56,762 - Cockpuncher. - I don't think you have the balls. 668 00:42:56,840 --> 00:43:00,435 Oh, I cannot wait for Friday. 669 00:43:04,314 --> 00:43:06,748 - Excuse me, sir. - What can I get you? 670 00:43:06,816 --> 00:43:09,979 No, thank you. I don't drink, or use drugs for that matter. 671 00:43:10,053 --> 00:43:14,012 No. I was just wondering if you could give me directions to the local library. 672 00:43:14,090 --> 00:43:17,753 Um, two blocks down and left on Second. 673 00:43:17,827 --> 00:43:21,194 Thank you very much. You have a wonderful evening. 674 00:43:27,036 --> 00:43:29,766 Mm-hmm. 675 00:43:35,178 --> 00:43:37,612 Thank you. You have a wonderful evening. 676 00:44:22,759 --> 00:44:26,422 Uh, help? 677 00:44:27,764 --> 00:44:30,995 Has your penis become stuck in a library book return slot? 678 00:44:31,067 --> 00:44:34,628 Call Kostman's, the penis people. 679 00:44:34,704 --> 00:44:36,638 We've been the tri-county area's... 680 00:44:36,706 --> 00:44:38,970 penis retrieval experts for 64 years. 681 00:44:39,042 --> 00:44:43,035 We'll get any penis out of any slot for $39.95. 682 00:44:43,112 --> 00:44:45,342 That's my personal guarantee. 683 00:44:45,415 --> 00:44:49,374 So don't just sit there hoping that your penis will somehow magically free itself. 684 00:44:50,453 --> 00:44:52,148 Call Kostman's. 685 00:44:52,221 --> 00:44:54,951 - Dave got my penis out. - Dave got my penis out. 686 00:44:57,393 --> 00:44:59,657 Dave got my penis out. 687 00:44:59,729 --> 00:45:02,459 Dave got all our penises out! 688 00:45:02,532 --> 00:45:04,466 Kostman's, the penis people. 689 00:45:09,572 --> 00:45:11,506 This week's campaign is gonna rule. 690 00:45:11,574 --> 00:45:14,236 I can't wait for the assault on castle Dragonflame. 691 00:45:14,310 --> 00:45:16,608 I know. It's gonna be super totally awesome. 692 00:45:16,679 --> 00:45:21,207 I have a third-level elven cleric I can't wait to pit against my foes. 693 00:45:21,284 --> 00:45:24,776 Well, uh, don't count on it being too awesome. Look who just showed up. 694 00:45:27,590 --> 00:45:32,823 Well, what have we stumbled upon here? 695 00:45:32,895 --> 00:45:34,726 Oh, shit. 696 00:45:34,797 --> 00:45:37,391 Dare you challenge the might of Proteus the Invincible? 697 00:45:40,336 --> 00:45:45,239 Ah, I see there are some beardless saplings with us this afternoon... 698 00:45:45,308 --> 00:45:48,368 who have ne'er tasted my blade. 699 00:45:48,444 --> 00:45:50,344 This douche bag ruins everything. 700 00:45:50,413 --> 00:45:52,677 Prepare for total devastation. 701 00:45:54,984 --> 00:45:57,452 The magical wizardry, expert chaos techniques... 702 00:45:57,520 --> 00:46:01,217 and incomparable equipment roster of Proteus the Invincible... 703 00:46:01,290 --> 00:46:06,523 will make short work of all pretenders to the throne. 704 00:46:16,873 --> 00:46:18,807 Okay, Lyle. 705 00:46:18,875 --> 00:46:23,107 How's about letting some of the younger guys have a chance today? 706 00:46:23,179 --> 00:46:25,147 Okay? 707 00:46:25,214 --> 00:46:28,581 When it comes to Wizards and Warbeasts, I expect no quarter. 708 00:46:28,651 --> 00:46:30,915 And none shall be given. 709 00:46:33,156 --> 00:46:35,090 All right. 710 00:46:44,801 --> 00:46:49,261 Now that I have readied my provisions for the day's foray into the fairy realms... 711 00:46:51,774 --> 00:46:54,470 let the slaughter begin. 712 00:47:41,691 --> 00:47:44,660 None remain standing before me. 713 00:47:44,727 --> 00:47:49,187 All have fallen before the might of my broadsword. 714 00:48:00,109 --> 00:48:04,910 Hope you're happy, Lyle. You just ruined another Saturday for the whole gaming club. 715 00:48:04,981 --> 00:48:07,882 What care I for the sniveling excuses of the weak? 716 00:48:07,950 --> 00:48:10,783 They shall bow before my wrath. 717 00:48:10,853 --> 00:48:15,813 In the realm of fantasy, only the strong shall survive to conquer another day. 718 00:48:15,892 --> 00:48:18,383 Whatever. 719 00:48:24,467 --> 00:48:28,335 Alas, the day's adventuring is now done... 720 00:48:28,404 --> 00:48:32,170 and I must take the number two bus back home. 721 00:48:32,241 --> 00:48:37,235 If only I could live in the world of fantasy forever... 722 00:48:37,313 --> 00:48:40,407 instead of being forced to put up with this banal realm... 723 00:48:40,483 --> 00:48:43,145 and its silly, weak-minded mortals. 724 00:48:45,221 --> 00:48:50,284 Oh, how I wish I could live in the realm of Wizards and Warbeasts... 725 00:48:50,359 --> 00:48:53,021 ruling the land as a mighty conqueror... 726 00:48:53,095 --> 00:48:58,294 smiting orcs and ogres alike with my trusty broadsword. 727 00:48:58,367 --> 00:49:03,100 Proteus the Invincible? 728 00:49:03,172 --> 00:49:07,700 - I have heard your plea. - What? 729 00:49:07,777 --> 00:49:13,716 - Who-Who goes there? - It is I, Gygax, demon of the Astral plane. 730 00:49:13,783 --> 00:49:17,810 Never before have I seen your equal among the mortals that play this game. 731 00:49:17,887 --> 00:49:20,549 What's going on? Guys? 732 00:49:20,623 --> 00:49:23,888 I have chosen to grant your wish, Proteus the Invincible. 733 00:49:25,094 --> 00:49:28,928 Come forth into the land of legends. 734 00:49:33,970 --> 00:49:36,302 God. Where am I? 735 00:49:38,374 --> 00:49:40,308 Ow! 736 00:50:01,264 --> 00:50:03,664 Oh, God. Where am I? 737 00:50:03,733 --> 00:50:06,998 Proteus. 738 00:50:11,908 --> 00:50:15,435 Prepare to piss thyself, human. 739 00:50:17,113 --> 00:50:20,514 No, no, no. No. No. No. No. Please. 740 00:50:24,220 --> 00:50:26,984 Fucking geek. 741 00:50:27,056 --> 00:50:29,820 After last night's heartbreaking loss in Los Angeles... 742 00:50:29,892 --> 00:50:34,488 basketball star Dashante Jackson had harsh words for the lord. 743 00:50:34,563 --> 00:50:37,031 You know, I'd like to put the blame on God tonight... 744 00:50:37,099 --> 00:50:41,661 for not blessing me with the talent to hit the game-winnin' three-pointer tonight. 745 00:50:41,737 --> 00:50:45,833 You know, without him, I would truly be goin' to the play-offs. 746 00:50:45,908 --> 00:50:48,308 Bitch, I don't know why you do this shit to me! 747 00:50:51,213 --> 00:50:55,172 In news from our nation's capital, a group of Alzheimer's disease sufferers... 748 00:50:55,251 --> 00:50:58,709 marched on Washington today demanding a cure for pancakes. 749 00:51:02,625 --> 00:51:08,154 Until this teakettle is cured... 750 00:51:08,230 --> 00:51:12,758 there will never be enough bread in the laundry! 751 00:51:12,835 --> 00:51:14,598 Ding-dong! 752 00:51:14,670 --> 00:51:17,104 Karate! 753 00:51:17,173 --> 00:51:19,368 Give 'em hell! 754 00:51:28,918 --> 00:51:31,352 Hi. I'm Michael Bolton. 755 00:51:31,420 --> 00:51:33,354 Did you know that all over the world... 756 00:51:33,422 --> 00:51:36,186 there are millions of children living in extreme poverty? 757 00:51:36,258 --> 00:51:40,354 For more than 40 years, the What About the Children Foundation has been making... 758 00:51:40,429 --> 00:51:44,024 a difference in the lives of kids throughout the third world. 759 00:51:44,100 --> 00:51:46,034 And so can you... 760 00:51:46,102 --> 00:51:48,627 by adopting a What About the Children sponsor child. 761 00:51:48,704 --> 00:51:51,730 But don't take my word for it. Take Dibo's. 762 00:51:51,807 --> 00:51:54,401 Hello. I am Dibo. 763 00:51:54,477 --> 00:51:57,446 - Come. - Thanks to What About the Children... 764 00:51:57,513 --> 00:52:00,812 Dibo has seen his standard of living soar well above the level... 765 00:52:00,883 --> 00:52:03,317 of his pathetic poverty-stricken village. 766 00:52:03,386 --> 00:52:05,286 The What About The Children Foundation... 767 00:52:05,354 --> 00:52:07,652 is able to provide a child like Dibo... 768 00:52:07,723 --> 00:52:10,715 with some of the little things in life we so often take for granted. 769 00:52:10,793 --> 00:52:15,924 - Thanks, Jimmy. - Like electricity, fresh water, indoor plumbing... 770 00:52:15,998 --> 00:52:18,330 a 42 inch plasma-screen television... 771 00:52:18,401 --> 00:52:21,131 the latest Sony PlayStation video game... 772 00:52:21,203 --> 00:52:24,001 1,000 thread count Egyptian-cotton sheets... 773 00:52:24,073 --> 00:52:26,405 a subscription to the Wall StreetJournal... 774 00:52:26,475 --> 00:52:29,342 and selections from Marc Jacobs' Men's Spring Collection. 775 00:52:34,417 --> 00:52:36,351 Get your own sponsor family! 776 00:52:40,689 --> 00:52:45,023 Thank goodness the McCormicks sent me a security system to keep these animals out. 777 00:52:45,094 --> 00:52:49,030 Thank you, Dibo. It's stories like yours that make it all worthwhile. 778 00:52:51,700 --> 00:52:56,228 In breaking news, we now join Dana Dobbs in Lake Shore Bluff... 779 00:52:56,305 --> 00:53:00,435 where a verdict has just been handed down in the Timothy Shanahan trial. 780 00:53:00,509 --> 00:53:03,205 Dana, what's the latest on the situation? 781 00:53:03,279 --> 00:53:05,213 Well, Norm, as you can see... 782 00:53:05,281 --> 00:53:07,215 I'm here outside the First District Federal Courthouse... 783 00:53:07,283 --> 00:53:11,982 where this angry mob of Negroes is rioting over the guilty verdict... 784 00:53:12,054 --> 00:53:14,022 in the Timothy Shanahan case. 785 00:53:20,229 --> 00:53:22,697 We will keep you posted. 786 00:53:22,765 --> 00:53:25,029 - Thanks, Dana. - Thank you, Norm. 787 00:53:25,101 --> 00:53:28,036 Those crazy Negroes. 788 00:53:28,104 --> 00:53:30,902 # Oh, when you love me right up front You know that I don't mind # 789 00:53:30,973 --> 00:53:32,964 Enter. 790 00:53:33,042 --> 00:53:34,976 Pardon me, General. Your meeting is about to start. 791 00:53:35,044 --> 00:53:36,978 - #Take me from behind # - Yeah. 792 00:53:37,046 --> 00:53:42,211 So, as you can see, generals, Deathco Amalgamated's M-47 "Jumpin' Johnny" land mine... 793 00:53:42,284 --> 00:53:48,245 earned a triple-A rating in field trials and boasts a 98% kill-through ratio... 794 00:53:48,324 --> 00:53:52,420 making it the best land mine for the government's dollar. 795 00:53:59,468 --> 00:54:01,902 Nah, we're gonna pass. 796 00:54:01,971 --> 00:54:03,905 Thanks anyway. 797 00:54:53,222 --> 00:54:55,156 Fuck! 798 00:54:56,392 --> 00:54:58,826 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! 799 00:54:58,894 --> 00:55:03,854 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! 800 00:55:03,933 --> 00:55:07,096 Fuck, fuck! 801 00:55:08,337 --> 00:55:10,464 You call yourself a salesman? 802 00:55:10,539 --> 00:55:14,771 We spent $400 billion of the company's money developing these land mines for the military! 803 00:55:14,843 --> 00:55:17,437 You'd better find a way to unload these things! 804 00:55:17,513 --> 00:55:20,038 Tired of backbreaking yard work? 805 00:55:20,115 --> 00:55:23,346 Then jump back for Jumpin' Johnny! 806 00:55:24,520 --> 00:55:27,148 Jumpin' Johnny blasts weeds to pieces! 807 00:55:27,223 --> 00:55:29,020 Frags ragweed... 808 00:55:29,091 --> 00:55:31,252 crabgrass, dandelions... 809 00:55:31,327 --> 00:55:32,521 rabbits... 810 00:55:32,595 --> 00:55:33,926 raccoons... 811 00:55:33,996 --> 00:55:35,827 even elephants. 812 00:55:35,898 --> 00:55:38,332 So, what are you waiting for? Get Jumpin' Johnny today! 813 00:55:41,904 --> 00:55:46,136 It's now time for our weekly Inspirational Portrait. 814 00:55:47,142 --> 00:55:50,543 This week, the Brendan Laroux story. 815 00:55:50,613 --> 00:55:53,878 Brendan Laroux's story is one of dreams. 816 00:55:53,949 --> 00:55:57,112 As a young boy, he wanted to become a dancer... 817 00:55:57,186 --> 00:55:59,950 but at the age of 12, he lost his legs. 818 00:56:00,022 --> 00:56:02,354 Now, this would be a setback for any youngster... 819 00:56:02,424 --> 00:56:06,292 but not Brendan, who set his eyes on being a surgeon... 820 00:56:06,362 --> 00:56:09,763 until, at age 14, he lost his wrists. 821 00:56:09,832 --> 00:56:14,064 Without my wrists, there was nothing to keep my hands attached to my arms. 822 00:56:14,136 --> 00:56:18,869 So, even though my hands were fine, l- I lost them too. 823 00:56:18,941 --> 00:56:23,503 Now, Brendan may not have had as many hands and legs as the other boys... 824 00:56:23,579 --> 00:56:26,241 but there was one dream he didn't let go of- 825 00:56:26,315 --> 00:56:28,249 becoming a professional hockey player. 826 00:56:30,386 --> 00:56:33,253 At first, the other players treated him fairly. 827 00:56:33,322 --> 00:56:37,315 But after seeing all the attention that Brendan was getting, they became jealous. 828 00:56:37,393 --> 00:56:41,762 The special treatment stopped. Brendan toughed it out in the minors for two brutal years. 829 00:56:41,830 --> 00:56:44,765 But it all paid off when he finally got the call. 830 00:56:44,833 --> 00:56:49,202 The coach said, "How would you like to be pro hockey's... 831 00:56:49,271 --> 00:56:53,298 first legless, handless player?" 832 00:56:53,375 --> 00:56:58,312 It was an inspiring night, full of inspiration. 833 00:56:58,380 --> 00:57:01,941 But then, two days later... 834 00:57:02,017 --> 00:57:05,077 Brendan found out that his rib cage was backwards... 835 00:57:05,154 --> 00:57:09,614 leaving his spine exposed, and that he needed a complete muscle transplant. 836 00:57:09,692 --> 00:57:12,525 The risky surgery lasted 720 hours. 837 00:57:12,594 --> 00:57:14,562 Brendan came back better than ever. 838 00:57:19,268 --> 00:57:23,102 Brendan persevered and was selected M. V.P. 839 00:57:23,172 --> 00:57:28,542 Just when it seemed like the dark clouds had finally passed, Brendan contracted scurvy... 840 00:57:28,610 --> 00:57:32,671 went bankrupt, and his wife was eaten by wolves. 841 00:57:32,748 --> 00:57:35,546 He was also molested by his Uncle Jerry. 842 00:57:35,617 --> 00:57:39,383 Today, Brendan's journey has opened the door for many athletes... 843 00:57:39,455 --> 00:57:41,582 who never would have been given a chance... 844 00:57:41,657 --> 00:57:46,185 if he hadn't broken down pro sports' physical ability barrier. 845 00:57:46,261 --> 00:57:50,527 Athletes like Emma Heathcoat, cerebral-palsy sufferer... 846 00:57:50,599 --> 00:57:53,227 and three-time national equestrian champ. 847 00:57:56,071 --> 00:57:59,563 Blind stockcar driver, Bobby Templeton. 848 00:58:05,147 --> 00:58:07,809 Deaf Olympic sprinter Craig Connors. 849 00:58:12,688 --> 00:58:16,852 Gil Sarinen, the world's first professional comatose diver... 850 00:58:21,497 --> 00:58:25,194 and, of course, Chicago shooting guard Herbie Cohn... 851 00:58:26,201 --> 00:58:28,965 who was born with Judaism. 852 00:58:37,980 --> 00:58:42,917 Yes, none of it would have been possible without Brendan Laroux... 853 00:58:42,985 --> 00:58:46,477 a true Inspirational Portrait. 854 00:58:47,856 --> 00:58:50,381 In adult entertainment industry news... 855 00:58:50,459 --> 00:58:53,553 the nation's porn stars gathered today in Los Angeles... 856 00:58:53,629 --> 00:58:58,362 in a unified demand for stronger, more intense sexual intercourse. 857 00:58:58,434 --> 00:59:00,197 Fuck me with your big cock! 858 00:59:00,269 --> 00:59:03,295 - Give it to me harder! - Fuck me till I explode! 859 00:59:04,573 --> 00:59:09,306 Calling the tragedy a terrible, unintentional mistake... 860 00:59:09,378 --> 00:59:12,643 the Los Angeles Police Department issued an apology today... 861 00:59:12,714 --> 00:59:15,274 for the accidental shooting, clubbing... 862 00:59:15,350 --> 00:59:19,753 stabbing, firebombing, choking, impaling, electrocution... 863 00:59:19,822 --> 00:59:23,349 and lethal-injection death of an African-American man. 864 00:59:24,626 --> 00:59:27,220 I'm Kip Kendall reporting for the Onion News. 865 00:59:27,296 --> 00:59:31,596 - As the conflict between Sloravia and Azmenistan deepens... 866 00:59:31,667 --> 00:59:36,695 college campuses across this country have become a hotbed of political activity. 867 00:59:36,772 --> 00:59:40,401 We're here in Santa Cruz, California today. Let's listen in. 868 00:59:40,476 --> 00:59:43,934 Stop the violence. 869 00:59:44,012 --> 00:59:46,003 Stop the violence! 870 00:59:46,081 --> 00:59:49,209 Increase the peace! 871 00:59:50,819 --> 00:59:54,721 For the past three years, Sloravia and Azmenistan... 872 00:59:54,790 --> 00:59:58,157 they've been locked in a pointless and bloody war. 873 00:59:58,227 --> 01:00:02,027 Their cowardly leaders send innocent young men into battle to die. 874 01:00:04,333 --> 01:00:06,733 Well, you know what? 875 01:00:06,802 --> 01:00:10,602 We need to put those leaders in a room and let them fight it out! 876 01:00:14,209 --> 01:00:19,010 And you know what else? What these countries need to do, what they need to do- 877 01:00:19,081 --> 01:00:22,881 - Th-They need to listen to their women a little more. 878 01:00:22,951 --> 01:00:28,912 Because women create life, while men, they destroy it. 879 01:00:30,259 --> 01:00:32,887 So, let's all stand up against the corporate war machine... 880 01:00:32,961 --> 01:00:36,795 that only exists to do the imperialist agenda... 881 01:00:36,865 --> 01:00:39,834 against the- the oppressed minority. 882 01:00:39,902 --> 01:00:41,836 Right? 883 01:00:45,007 --> 01:00:49,603 Love your brother! Peace! One love. 884 01:00:56,985 --> 01:00:59,078 - Excuse me, Chad. - 'Sup? 885 01:00:59,154 --> 01:01:03,989 We're with the U.N. And let me just say, we are very impressed. 886 01:01:04,059 --> 01:01:07,085 What you said up there was dead on, Chad. Dead on. 887 01:01:07,162 --> 01:01:08,493 What? 888 01:01:08,564 --> 01:01:12,796 We want you to negotiate talks between Sloravia and Azmenistan. 889 01:01:13,869 --> 01:01:15,860 Shut up, dude. 890 01:01:15,938 --> 01:01:19,430 We're convinced you are the man who can finally bring peace to this troubled region. 891 01:01:20,842 --> 01:01:26,007 Will you do it, Chad? Will you help us increase the peace? 892 01:01:28,884 --> 01:01:32,285 - Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah, dude. I'm in! - Great. 893 01:01:32,354 --> 01:01:34,822 - Would you come with me, please? - Yeah. 894 01:01:40,295 --> 01:01:43,458 Your systematic campaign of aggression... 895 01:01:43,532 --> 01:01:46,330 against my country is the reason- 896 01:01:46,401 --> 01:01:51,998 Our military operations are purely in response to your violation of the treaty. 897 01:01:52,074 --> 01:01:54,838 - You are the one to violate the peace treaty! - We? 898 01:02:00,048 --> 01:02:01,982 Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys. 899 01:02:02,050 --> 01:02:05,213 Guys, chill, chill. Let's take a chill pill here. 900 01:02:09,224 --> 01:02:15,185 Don't you guys realize that war, no matter how justified it may seem, it's not the answer. 901 01:02:16,932 --> 01:02:18,923 It's not? 902 01:02:20,202 --> 01:02:24,229 No, man. Love is the answer. 903 01:02:28,343 --> 01:02:33,440 Now, let's get this peace shit started. 904 01:02:41,923 --> 01:02:46,019 # A baby's born Old man dies # 905 01:02:46,094 --> 01:02:50,030 # One child's laughing while another child cries # 906 01:02:50,098 --> 01:02:55,365 # Seasons change right before my eyes # 907 01:02:58,840 --> 01:03:03,038 # The sun comes up The sun goes down # 908 01:03:03,111 --> 01:03:06,911 # The world takes another little spin around # 909 01:03:06,982 --> 01:03:11,544 # The tide rolls out The tide rolls in # 910 01:03:11,620 --> 01:03:16,523 # Life goes on And on again ## 911 01:04:05,540 --> 01:04:07,735 In international news... 912 01:04:07,809 --> 01:04:11,472 the crisis between Sloravia and Azmenistan deepened today... 913 01:04:11,546 --> 01:04:14,709 when the leaders of the two rival nations- 914 01:04:27,696 --> 01:04:32,690 Tomorrow is the deadline for Sloravia to pull out of the Uzbagiyak region. 915 01:04:32,768 --> 01:04:38,502 - If it's not our lead story, consider it my resignation. 916 01:04:41,443 --> 01:04:43,377 Cockpuncher mania. 917 01:04:57,993 --> 01:04:59,927 Two minutes, Norm. 918 01:06:14,369 --> 01:06:18,237 And now, the Onion News, America's finest news source. 919 01:06:18,306 --> 01:06:19,603 Honey, it's about to start. 920 01:06:19,674 --> 01:06:22,040 Featuring Dana Dobbs... 921 01:06:22,110 --> 01:06:24,601 senior correspondent, Kip Kendall... 922 01:06:24,679 --> 01:06:29,241 - and award-winning anchor, Norm Archer. - Good evening. 923 01:06:38,159 --> 01:06:42,892 For the past 27 years, I've sat at this desk... 924 01:06:42,964 --> 01:06:44,955 dedicating myself to one thing- 925 01:06:45,033 --> 01:06:48,662 delivering the news to you, the American viewing public... 926 01:06:48,737 --> 01:06:52,537 in the most fair, balanced, serious way possible. 927 01:06:52,607 --> 01:06:54,268 What's he doing? 928 01:06:54,342 --> 01:06:56,970 Well, things are changing in the news game... 929 01:06:57,045 --> 01:06:59,843 and I've been under pressure to change with them. 930 01:06:59,915 --> 01:07:04,716 The powers that be at this network have done everything they can... 931 01:07:04,786 --> 01:07:06,879 to get me to compromise my values. 932 01:07:06,955 --> 01:07:08,718 So what do they want me to do? 933 01:07:08,790 --> 01:07:11,224 Plug our parent company's movies... 934 01:07:11,293 --> 01:07:14,319 and other products like a two-bit network news whore. 935 01:07:14,396 --> 01:07:16,023 Motherfucker. 936 01:07:16,097 --> 01:07:21,558 Well, I've been giving this whole ugly business a lot of thought... 937 01:07:21,636 --> 01:07:24,605 and just a few moments before going on the air tonight... 938 01:07:24,673 --> 01:07:26,971 I finally came to a conclusion. 939 01:07:27,042 --> 01:07:30,068 And that conclusion is- 940 01:07:30,145 --> 01:07:33,672 Nobody move or the anchor infidel dies! 941 01:07:35,550 --> 01:07:38,246 The Al-Q'Utaya terrorist organization... 942 01:07:38,320 --> 01:07:41,756 officially declares war on the decadent, immoral... 943 01:07:41,823 --> 01:07:44,485 United States of Satan. 944 01:07:44,559 --> 01:07:47,392 We shit on your country! And piss also! 945 01:07:48,730 --> 01:07:52,598 That was good. Tonight, on live television... 946 01:07:52,667 --> 01:07:58,105 the American people will watch this great spreader of Western lies... 947 01:07:58,173 --> 01:08:01,006 get blown to pieces... 948 01:08:01,076 --> 01:08:06,104 unless the United States government formally apologizes... 949 01:08:06,181 --> 01:08:09,378 for its rotting, immoral culture. 950 01:08:09,451 --> 01:08:11,578 Like that's gonna happen. 951 01:08:11,653 --> 01:08:15,214 Are you listening, Mr. President? 952 01:08:15,290 --> 01:08:19,249 - We might be fucked, sir. - We will do it. 953 01:08:19,327 --> 01:08:23,559 We will kill him right here if you do not meet our demands! 954 01:08:23,631 --> 01:08:25,565 Oh, yeah? 955 01:08:28,603 --> 01:08:30,537 I don't think you have the balls. 956 01:08:31,840 --> 01:08:33,102 Cockpuncher! 957 01:08:33,174 --> 01:08:37,133 Ahmed, it is the mighty puncher of cocks. 958 01:08:42,884 --> 01:08:44,476 I'm hungry. 959 01:08:44,552 --> 01:08:49,080 I could sure go for a sundae topped with... crushed nuts. 960 01:08:49,157 --> 01:08:53,059 Yummy. 961 01:08:53,128 --> 01:08:56,825 Cockpuncher! Fuck him up! 962 01:09:10,345 --> 01:09:11,334 Come on! 963 01:09:16,217 --> 01:09:19,414 I believe you'll be releasing Norm now. 964 01:09:19,487 --> 01:09:23,082 Not so fast, Cockpuncher. 965 01:09:25,727 --> 01:09:28,287 Cock blocked. 966 01:09:30,165 --> 01:09:35,102 Those clever terrorists. They blocked their cocks. 967 01:09:35,170 --> 01:09:37,832 Maybe I can be of some assistance. 968 01:09:37,906 --> 01:09:40,466 - Hit it, boys! - Melissa Cherry! 969 01:09:42,177 --> 01:09:45,510 # Oh, when you love me right up front You know that I don't mind # 970 01:09:45,580 --> 01:09:49,983 # But what I really want is for you to take me from behind # 971 01:09:50,051 --> 01:09:54,351 # Oh, when you love me right up front You know that I don't mind # 972 01:09:54,422 --> 01:09:58,381 - # But what I really want is for you-# - Come on, Cherry. 973 01:09:58,460 --> 01:10:01,156 # Oh, yeah # 974 01:10:01,229 --> 01:10:03,823 What the fuck is going on? 975 01:10:03,898 --> 01:10:06,366 Ahman, think unsexy thoughts! 976 01:10:06,434 --> 01:10:08,629 Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. 977 01:10:08,703 --> 01:10:11,228 Think unsexy thoughts. 978 01:10:22,951 --> 01:10:28,890 Enough! Your immoral Western sexuality will not work on us. 979 01:10:28,957 --> 01:10:33,291 Mr. President, the time has come to give in to our demands. 980 01:10:33,361 --> 01:10:38,492 If we do not hear from you in 10 seconds, we will kill everyone in this studio. 981 01:10:39,567 --> 01:10:41,091 We might be fucked, sir. 982 01:10:41,169 --> 01:10:45,105 Ten, nine, eight... 983 01:10:45,173 --> 01:10:47,232 seven, six... 984 01:10:47,308 --> 01:10:52,940 five, four, three, two, one! 985 01:10:57,852 --> 01:11:00,412 - Not so rápido. - Peruvians. 986 01:11:00,488 --> 01:11:04,390 - Daddy, what's a Peruvian? - It's kind of like a Mexican. 987 01:11:04,459 --> 01:11:08,088 - ¡Viva Perú! - Qué viva. 988 01:11:29,951 --> 01:11:35,116 Cockpuncher, amigo- 989 01:11:57,378 --> 01:12:02,475 You know, Ahman, violence is almost never necessary. 990 01:12:02,550 --> 01:12:05,849 I admit, I've punched thousands upon thousands of cocks in my life... 991 01:12:05,920 --> 01:12:08,013 but I've never killed anyone. 992 01:12:08,089 --> 01:12:10,683 Because no matter what your religion might be... 993 01:12:10,758 --> 01:12:13,090 no matter what your politics might be... 994 01:12:13,161 --> 01:12:14,958 no matter how much money's involved... 995 01:12:15,029 --> 01:12:18,328 there's never any reason to take human life. 996 01:12:18,399 --> 01:12:20,765 Human life is the most precious thing there is. 997 01:12:20,835 --> 01:12:23,633 Fuckin'-A, man. That's some cool shit, man... 998 01:12:25,073 --> 01:12:27,132 You know what? 999 01:12:30,578 --> 01:12:33,308 You are absolutely right, Cockpuncher. 1000 01:12:33,381 --> 01:12:36,873 Violence is not the answer. 1001 01:12:36,951 --> 01:12:41,820 Terrorism never solved anything. To hell with terrorism. 1002 01:12:41,889 --> 01:12:43,652 Yeah! Yeah. 1003 01:12:43,725 --> 01:12:47,661 I'm sick and tired of living in a fucking cave. 1004 01:12:49,030 --> 01:12:52,124 I'm sick of doing nothing but cursing the West all day. 1005 01:12:52,200 --> 01:12:56,830 Jesus H. Allah! I like the West! 1006 01:12:56,904 --> 01:12:59,031 God bless America. 1007 01:12:59,107 --> 01:13:02,508 I like TV! And I like bacon double cheeseburgers! 1008 01:13:02,577 --> 01:13:04,977 - Whoo! - And I like the rapping music! 1009 01:13:06,881 --> 01:13:08,815 But most of all... 1010 01:13:08,883 --> 01:13:14,378 I like this big-budget blockbuster action hero. 1011 01:13:14,455 --> 01:13:18,255 Long live the mighty puncher of cocks! 1012 01:13:18,326 --> 01:13:20,260 ¡Qué viva! 1013 01:13:23,731 --> 01:13:26,529 Yeah! Whoo! 1014 01:13:26,601 --> 01:13:30,628 Hey, Norm. Some crazy shit, huh? 1015 01:13:32,640 --> 01:13:36,337 Look, with all due respect, we just wanted to ask, um... 1016 01:13:36,411 --> 01:13:38,436 what were you gonna say during your speech? 1017 01:13:38,513 --> 01:13:42,677 Yeah, we were wondering what the conclusion that you came to was. 1018 01:13:42,750 --> 01:13:46,208 Well, I was going to say, " I'm mad as hell and not going to take it anymore." 1019 01:13:46,287 --> 01:13:48,221 - But after what just happened... - Shh. 1020 01:13:48,289 --> 01:13:50,519 I think I've learned a little lesson I won't soon forget. 1021 01:13:50,591 --> 01:13:56,359 As a matter of fact, I think we've all learned a few things in the past 90 minutes. 1022 01:13:57,965 --> 01:14:00,957 We've learned that Irishmen have huge nipples. 1023 01:14:01,035 --> 01:14:05,267 We've learned that film-critic intellectuals are a bunch of gaywads. 1024 01:14:05,340 --> 01:14:08,104 And, most of all, we've learned... 1025 01:14:08,176 --> 01:14:12,579 that creeping corporate influence over the news... 1026 01:14:12,647 --> 01:14:14,808 protects us from terrorism. 1027 01:14:19,187 --> 01:14:23,817 Hey, everybody, we're all gonna get laid! 1028 01:14:41,809 --> 01:14:43,743 Um, I can't help but think... 1029 01:14:43,811 --> 01:14:48,407 it must have taken a lot of courage to make such a provocative film. 1030 01:14:48,483 --> 01:14:52,146 And joining us to discuss just that... 1031 01:14:52,220 --> 01:14:55,451 is the man who green-lit the film. 1032 01:14:55,523 --> 01:14:57,616 Thanks, Kenneth. Pleasure to be here. 1033 01:14:57,692 --> 01:15:03,562 So, uh, now, while you gave the makers of this film tremendous leeway, obviously... 1034 01:15:03,631 --> 01:15:06,361 still, there was some material that you simply refused to allow? 1035 01:15:06,434 --> 01:15:08,368 That's true. 1036 01:15:08,436 --> 01:15:11,894 Basically, as committed as I was to letting these guys be free to do their thing... 1037 01:15:11,973 --> 01:15:15,841 there were simply some images that I just didn't feel comfortable with. 1038 01:15:15,910 --> 01:15:18,504 Mm-hmm. But I understand you did bring some clips. 1039 01:15:18,579 --> 01:15:22,140 That's right. Uh, I would like to show some special bonus material. 1040 01:15:22,216 --> 01:15:24,878 These are scenes that didn't make it into the movie. 1041 01:15:24,952 --> 01:15:27,887 Great. Let's take a look. 1042 01:15:42,370 --> 01:15:45,430 So what we do is we get the kitty... 1043 01:15:45,506 --> 01:15:47,940 and we put it in a simple egg batter. 1044 01:15:48,009 --> 01:15:50,978 Careful. Okay. Shh. That's fine. 1045 01:15:51,045 --> 01:15:52,979 And then we just simply roll it around... 1046 01:15:53,047 --> 01:15:54,981 making sure we cover the whole thing. 1047 01:15:55,049 --> 01:15:57,244 It's all right, baby. It's okay. 1048 01:15:57,318 --> 01:16:00,617 Get him completely covered in an her bed bread-crumb batter here. 1049 01:16:00,688 --> 01:16:02,622 I see. Okay. Oh! 1050 01:16:02,690 --> 01:16:05,523 Thank you. And into- Oh- into the canola oil. 1051 01:16:07,261 --> 01:16:10,924 You know, I think you have to draw a line somewhere. 1052 01:16:19,140 --> 01:16:22,667 # Oh, when you love me right up front You know that I don't mind # 1053 01:16:22,743 --> 01:16:27,237 # But what I really want is for you to take me from behind # 1054 01:16:27,315 --> 01:16:31,513 # Oh, when you love me right up front You know that I don't mind # 1055 01:16:31,586 --> 01:16:35,613 # But what I really want is for you to take me from behind # 1056 01:16:35,690 --> 01:16:37,715 #Oh, yeah # 1057 01:16:37,792 --> 01:16:39,817 #Oh, yeah # 1058 01:16:39,894 --> 01:16:42,454 #Oh, yeah # 1059 01:16:42,530 --> 01:16:44,589 # Oh, oh # 1060 01:16:44,665 --> 01:16:46,599 # Oh, when you love me right up front # 1061 01:16:46,667 --> 01:16:48,965 # You know that I don't mind No, no # 1062 01:16:49,036 --> 01:16:53,097 # But what I really want is for you to take me from behind # 1063 01:16:53,174 --> 01:16:57,372 # Oh, when you love me right up front You know that I don't mind # 1064 01:16:57,445 --> 01:17:01,711 # But what I really want is for you to take me from behind # 1065 01:17:01,782 --> 01:17:06,276 # I don't mind, no I don't mind # 1066 01:17:06,354 --> 01:17:10,620 # Take me from behind, yeah # 1067 01:17:11,792 --> 01:17:15,091 # I don't mind, don't mind Yeah ## 1068 01:17:15,162 --> 01:17:18,290 Are you ready? 1069 01:17:19,367 --> 01:17:23,360 Down on my knees. 1070 01:17:25,973 --> 01:17:30,876 # Baby, when we kiss my heart just skips a beat # 1071 01:17:30,945 --> 01:17:35,177 # And when you hold my hand oh, I can hardly speak # 1072 01:17:35,249 --> 01:17:39,515 # But there's one kind of lovin' that we can't do face to face # 1073 01:17:39,587 --> 01:17:43,284 # Oh, no So let me give you some affection # 1074 01:17:43,357 --> 01:17:45,552 # Just below your waist # 1075 01:17:45,626 --> 01:17:48,993 # Oh, yeah I'm down on my knees for you # 1076 01:17:49,063 --> 01:17:51,691 # I'm beggin' please, please for you # 1077 01:17:51,766 --> 01:17:57,500 # Got so much love I need to show it # 1078 01:17:57,572 --> 01:18:01,440 # It's a big job Don't wanna blow it # 1079 01:18:01,509 --> 01:18:04,910 # Oh, yeah Oh, yeah # 1080 01:18:04,979 --> 01:18:06,913 # Oh # 1081 01:18:08,282 --> 01:18:12,013 # Baby I'm down on my knees # 1082 01:18:12,086 --> 01:18:13,644 # Beggin'. please, please ## 1083 01:18:13,721 --> 01:18:15,348 # Oh # 1084 01:18:17,024 --> 01:18:19,686 Shoot your love, baby. 1085 01:18:23,297 --> 01:18:27,700 # Tell me, why must you hide # 1086 01:18:29,370 --> 01:18:35,036 # That love That love you got inside Inside # 1087 01:18:35,109 --> 01:18:37,669 # Ooh, ooh # 1088 01:18:37,745 --> 01:18:41,841 # It's been building up so long # 1089 01:18:41,916 --> 01:18:44,942 # Yeah # 1090 01:18:45,019 --> 01:18:49,319 # And that feeling's oh, so strong # 1091 01:18:49,390 --> 01:18:51,881 # Oh, so baby # 1092 01:18:51,959 --> 01:18:57,420 # Shoot your love all over me Oh # 1093 01:18:57,498 --> 01:19:02,333 # Drown me in a milky sea Love all over me # 1094 01:19:03,404 --> 01:19:05,429 # Hey, baby # 1095 01:19:05,506 --> 01:19:08,066 # It's you and I You and I # 1096 01:19:08,142 --> 01:19:11,703 # For eternity For eternity # 1097 01:19:11,779 --> 01:19:17,740 # That's why you got to shoot your love over me # 1098 01:19:17,818 --> 01:19:19,752 # Oh, yeah # 1099 01:19:19,820 --> 01:19:22,618 # When I look at you, baby # 1100 01:19:22,690 --> 01:19:26,626 # I see a man full of spunk # 1101 01:19:26,694 --> 01:19:29,959 # But what good is it to me # 1102 01:19:30,031 --> 01:19:33,330 # Locked away in that trunk # 1103 01:19:34,735 --> 01:19:37,499 # I don't need more roses # 1104 01:19:37,571 --> 01:19:40,972 # No, that would be just reckless # 1105 01:19:41,042 --> 01:19:44,307 # The gift I want from you From you # 1106 01:19:44,378 --> 01:19:49,315 # Is my very own pearl necklace Oh # 1107 01:19:49,383 --> 01:19:53,820 # Shoot your love all over me # 1108 01:19:53,888 --> 01:19:57,654 # Hey Drown me in a milky sea # 1109 01:19:57,725 --> 01:20:00,853 # Love all over me # 1110 01:20:00,928 --> 01:20:02,896 # Ooh, baby # 1111 01:20:02,963 --> 01:20:05,761 # It's you and I You and I # 1112 01:20:05,833 --> 01:20:08,961 # For eternity For eternity # 1113 01:20:09,036 --> 01:20:12,267 # That's why you got to shoot your love-# 1114 01:20:12,339 --> 01:20:16,275 For the Onion News, this is Norm Archer. 1115 01:20:16,343 --> 01:20:18,007 Fuck you and good night.