1 00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,211 MAN 1 : What's it all about? 2 00:00:46,379 --> 00:00:49,757 MAN 2: America, Jesus, freedom. 3 00:00:49,924 --> 00:00:51,175 MAN 1 : Say it again. 4 00:00:51,342 --> 00:00:54,720 CAM: America, Jesus, freedom. 5 00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:56,096 MlTCH: And what does that mean? 6 00:00:56,264 --> 00:01:00,851 CAM: Shit, l don't know. But the people sure love it when l say it. 7 00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:02,686 How's my hair? 8 00:01:02,854 --> 00:01:05,522 Strong. Real strong. 9 00:01:05,690 --> 00:01:07,232 [CHEERlNG] [MARCHlNG BAND PLAYlNG] 10 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:09,735 ANNOUNCER [OVER SPEAKER]: Let's send him back to Washington. 11 00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:14,156 Democratic congressman today, vice president tomorrow. 12 00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:17,034 Here he is, running unopposed... 13 00:01:17,202 --> 00:01:20,162 -Hello, everyone! -...Cam Brady! 14 00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:26,001 North Carolina is taking care of business. 15 00:01:26,961 --> 00:01:31,882 Just like you, every day, l'm living the American dream. 16 00:01:32,509 --> 00:01:34,843 l come from humble beginnings. 17 00:01:35,011 --> 00:01:36,845 My father worked with his hands... 18 00:01:37,013 --> 00:01:40,557 ...as head stylist for Vidal Sassoon. 19 00:01:40,725 --> 00:01:43,727 WOMAN: Amen! CAM: Very much the typical American family. 20 00:01:43,895 --> 00:01:48,690 l'm here today with my beautiful family, and l'd love for you to welcome them. 21 00:01:48,858 --> 00:01:51,276 My two children, Jessica, Cam Jr. 22 00:01:51,444 --> 00:01:55,114 -l love you, J. Lo. Camouflage. MAN: Get them, Camo! 23 00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:59,326 And of course, my Rock of Gibraltar... 24 00:01:59,494 --> 00:02:01,286 ...Mrs. Rose Brady, my wife. 25 00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:02,496 Love you, baby. 26 00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:04,957 CAM: My dream maker. Thanks for coming out. 27 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,459 Cam Brady '012. 28 00:02:08,336 --> 00:02:11,213 Our nation's security has never been stronger... 29 00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:16,009 ...because our troops and our veterans are this nation's backbone. 30 00:02:16,177 --> 00:02:20,305 Because farmers are this nation's backbone. 31 00:02:20,765 --> 00:02:24,893 Schools is this nation's backbone. 32 00:02:25,061 --> 00:02:30,399 Audio-installation specialists and window tinters are this nation's backbone. 33 00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:36,738 Because Filipino Tilt-A-Whirl operators are this nation's backbone. 34 00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:41,618 And l wanna make you a promise today... 35 00:02:41,786 --> 00:02:46,206 ...that if you send me back to Washington, D.C., for a fifth consecutive term... 36 00:02:46,374 --> 00:02:52,045 ...l will let them know it's about America, Jesus and freedom. 37 00:02:52,255 --> 00:02:53,922 We love you, Cam! 38 00:02:55,216 --> 00:02:57,301 l love you too. 39 00:02:57,468 --> 00:02:59,428 You got a lot of energy, don't you? 40 00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:01,555 [CHEERS] 41 00:03:02,223 --> 00:03:03,515 -Oh, Shana. -Oh! Oh, Cam! 42 00:03:03,683 --> 00:03:05,142 Your body's so toned. 43 00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:06,560 -Cam! -So toned. 44 00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:09,980 -Cam, it smells horrible in here. -lt's not that bad once you get used to it. 45 00:03:10,148 --> 00:03:11,190 [KNOCK ON DOOR] 46 00:03:11,357 --> 00:03:14,568 lf it's a-rocking, don't come a-knocking. 47 00:03:19,741 --> 00:03:21,283 This is bad, Cam. 48 00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:24,661 This is real bad. Okay? l don't like those numbers at all. 49 00:03:24,829 --> 00:03:28,332 -Just one poll. Those things aren't scientific. -Yes, they are. 50 00:03:28,499 --> 00:03:30,417 All this is is science. This is math. 51 00:03:30,585 --> 00:03:33,212 But if you took it and put it on its axis this way-- 52 00:03:33,379 --> 00:03:36,798 Hey, look, Cam, l'm telling you right now, it was the phone call. 53 00:03:36,966 --> 00:03:38,217 CAM: Mm-mm. -Yes. 54 00:03:38,384 --> 00:03:41,887 -No way. -Yes way. No, look at this, look at this, okay? 55 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:45,432 Sixty-two percent of the people that got asked liked you, okay? 56 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:49,186 Then the phone call happened. Then they asked the same question. 57 00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:51,605 Now only 46 percent of the people like you. 58 00:03:52,106 --> 00:03:54,024 Run through it one more time. 59 00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:56,360 Look, before the call, this is you. Like Price ls Right. 60 00:03:56,527 --> 00:03:58,695 [YODELlNG] 61 00:03:58,863 --> 00:04:00,781 And then look at that. Straight down. 62 00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:04,284 l thought l was calling Shana. l misdialed. 63 00:04:04,702 --> 00:04:07,371 And, Lord, we just pray that you bless this table... 64 00:04:07,538 --> 00:04:09,581 ...this food, this family and this nation. 65 00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:11,541 [RlNGlNG] 66 00:04:11,709 --> 00:04:15,712 Hey, Jared, let's let the machine take one for God. 67 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:17,547 [MACHlNE BEEPS] 68 00:04:17,715 --> 00:04:20,884 CAM [ON MACHlNE]: Hey, Shana, it's Congressman Cam Brady here. 69 00:04:21,052 --> 00:04:25,931 l just stepped away from a family dinner to tell you l wish l wasn't eating fried steak. 70 00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:28,225 l wish l was eating Shana pussy. 71 00:04:28,393 --> 00:04:32,271 Seriously, baby, you get me so hard my dick presses against my zipper... 72 00:04:32,438 --> 00:04:34,481 ...and it hurts like a motherfucker. 73 00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:35,691 What else? 74 00:04:35,858 --> 00:04:38,443 Oh, hey, l got your parents tickets to The Producers. 75 00:04:38,611 --> 00:04:41,613 And, oh, yeah, let's do something crazy weird next time... 76 00:04:41,781 --> 00:04:44,700 ...like lick each other's buttholes in a Denny's bathroom. 77 00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:47,119 All right, l gotta go. Cam Brady in '01 2. 78 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,871 -Okay. -Now, that was clearly a wrong number. 79 00:04:50,039 --> 00:04:51,873 MOTHER: Right. -He is not listening to Jesus... 80 00:04:52,041 --> 00:04:56,003 ...because if he was, oh, Jesus would give him a tongue-lashing. 81 00:04:56,170 --> 00:04:59,298 Not like the one he has requested. 82 00:05:00,341 --> 00:05:02,301 And that family's hopping mad. 83 00:05:02,468 --> 00:05:04,594 -What do you want me to say? -You tell me. 84 00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:07,723 l fucked up. 85 00:05:07,890 --> 00:05:10,642 Yeah, we're in a bad situation here, okay? 86 00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:14,062 -What do you wanna do? -Get out front. Walk it back. 87 00:05:14,230 --> 00:05:15,272 [REPORTERS CHATTERlNG] 88 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:19,234 We can't have this. lt's a behavior that has to stop. 89 00:05:19,402 --> 00:05:21,361 But, congressman, you made the call. 90 00:05:21,529 --> 00:05:24,031 l have made in my lifetime... 91 00:05:24,198 --> 00:05:27,451 ...probably over 1 00,000 phone calls... 92 00:05:27,618 --> 00:05:30,954 ...of which l could say maybe 1 percent have been inappropriate. 93 00:05:31,122 --> 00:05:33,498 -What is that, a thousand phone calls? -That is exactly 1 000. 94 00:05:33,666 --> 00:05:38,503 A thousand phone calls have been rude, inappropriate, sexually explicit. 95 00:05:38,671 --> 00:05:40,380 Phone calls l wish l could take back. 96 00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:45,719 But that's only 1 000 out of 1 00,000. l'll take those odds any day of the week. 97 00:05:49,515 --> 00:05:50,724 [BAND PLAYlNG SLOW JAZZ MUSlC] 98 00:05:50,892 --> 00:05:53,769 LLOYD: Gentlemen, l can't bring this bill to the floor. l'll get killed. 99 00:05:53,936 --> 00:05:57,189 There is no way Congress will let Motch Worldwide Global... 100 00:05:57,357 --> 00:06:01,485 ...put "made in America" on goods made in China. 101 00:06:01,652 --> 00:06:05,405 Why not? The name of the town in China is America. 102 00:06:05,573 --> 00:06:07,240 Oh, now, technically it's Mera-Kai. 103 00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:09,951 My brother and l are job creators. 104 00:06:10,119 --> 00:06:13,205 And because of that, we're also candidate creators. 105 00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:14,748 [CHUCKLlNG] My hands are tied. 106 00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,250 GLENN: That's a real pity, isn't it, Wade? WADE: Yeah. 107 00:06:17,418 --> 00:06:21,004 By the time we're finished, half your district will think you're a Marxist... 108 00:06:21,172 --> 00:06:25,217 ...and the other half will think you've got every D.C. Craigslist hooker on speed dial. 109 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,177 Got it? 110 00:06:27,345 --> 00:06:31,390 When the family plugged in their phone into the answering machine... 111 00:06:31,557 --> 00:06:34,184 ...they became consenting adults. 112 00:06:34,352 --> 00:06:35,560 Cam Brady's done. 113 00:06:35,728 --> 00:06:37,979 He doesn't have this district locked up anymore. 114 00:06:38,147 --> 00:06:40,065 Let's get Brady out of there. 115 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:42,609 Finance someone who'll be a friend of the Motches... 116 00:06:42,777 --> 00:06:44,736 ...and help us change these regulations. 117 00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:47,531 Who do we have down there that we could run? 118 00:06:47,698 --> 00:06:50,534 Big Jim Santon's in prison for embezzling state lottery funds. 119 00:06:50,701 --> 00:06:54,746 -Sad. -Well, Raymond Huggins' boy Marty? 120 00:06:55,706 --> 00:06:57,541 lsn't he the weird one? 121 00:06:57,708 --> 00:07:00,210 Has weird ever stopped us before? 122 00:07:00,378 --> 00:07:05,215 How, in the year 201 2, do they still have an answering machine? 123 00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:07,717 Why are they denied modern technology? 124 00:07:07,885 --> 00:07:09,970 Make the call. 125 00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:17,686 Come on, guys. 126 00:07:19,814 --> 00:07:23,233 TAMMY: Hey there, Marty. -Hey, Tammy. 127 00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:29,573 -Good morning, Dr. Scruggs. SCRUGGS: l have no idea who you are. 128 00:07:30,032 --> 00:07:32,993 Hey, Diane. How's business at Candles 'N' Such? 129 00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:36,705 Such is selling. l can't move the candles, though. 130 00:07:36,873 --> 00:07:39,833 Yes, you can, Diane. "Can't" is the real C-word. 131 00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:46,339 Cock-a-doodle-doo, Travis. You look tired. Did you get some sleep? 132 00:07:46,507 --> 00:07:48,758 Yeah, l'm just real high. 133 00:07:48,926 --> 00:07:50,677 [CHUCKLlNG] You're hysterical, Travis. 134 00:07:51,262 --> 00:07:55,348 -How's the turnout for the 1 1 :30 tour? -Just one person signed in. 135 00:07:55,516 --> 00:07:59,728 What? Are you serious? What happened to the eighth-grade field trip? 136 00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:02,272 l guess the kids would just rather go to class. 137 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,692 -Well, l just need one person. -Yeah, well, guess who it is. 138 00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:09,112 Mrs. Cutler again. She got a crush on you, Marty. 139 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,531 She's gonna have to get in line. Heh. 140 00:08:12,533 --> 00:08:16,578 Hammond, or the jewel of the Carolinas, as l like to call it... 141 00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:20,999 ...is rich in history and flush with natural beauty. 142 00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:22,792 We've also had celebrities pass through. 143 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,086 Eight years ago, actress Rosie Perez passed through... 144 00:08:25,254 --> 00:08:26,296 [CELL PHONE RlNGlNG] 145 00:08:26,464 --> 00:08:29,508 ...when she got turned around on the interstate and came to ask us for direc-- 146 00:08:29,675 --> 00:08:32,677 -Travis, stop, stop. Stop the tour. Stop the tour. -Now? All right. 147 00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:34,387 [TlRES SCREECH] 148 00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:36,598 Hello, Father? 149 00:08:37,141 --> 00:08:38,225 Yes. 150 00:08:38,392 --> 00:08:40,727 Yes, sir. Yes, sir. 151 00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:02,707 WOMAN [lN SOUTHERN ACCENT]: Oh, l's a-coming, l's a-coming. 152 00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:04,042 Patience for the tired. 153 00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:07,754 Now, you just enjoy that view from the porch, now. 154 00:09:07,922 --> 00:09:10,173 Oh. Almost there. 155 00:09:11,842 --> 00:09:14,719 Oh, well, my Lord, if it ain't Mr. Marty. 156 00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:16,137 [BOTH CHUCKLlNG] 157 00:09:16,305 --> 00:09:18,974 -Hi, Mrs. Yao. -Oh, come on in, child. 158 00:09:19,141 --> 00:09:23,061 Oh, Mr. Senior's down at the docks trying to scare up some catfish. 159 00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:25,605 He's still making you talk like that? 160 00:09:25,773 --> 00:09:28,942 [lN NORMAL VOlCE] Yup. He pays me an extra 50 bucks a week. 161 00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:31,152 Says it reminds him of the good old days. 162 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,363 MARTY: He can be an old coot. -Yeah. 163 00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:35,949 [lN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Well, hey, your daddy down by the lake... 164 00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,617 ...fishing for some catfish to fry up. 165 00:09:37,785 --> 00:09:40,704 Mm, Lordy, that sounds good. 166 00:09:40,871 --> 00:09:42,414 Catfish. 167 00:09:46,043 --> 00:09:49,296 -Marty, you stack of cock rings. -Stop! Ha, ha! 168 00:09:49,463 --> 00:09:52,799 TRlPP: Mouthful of pubes. -Don't tickle. Stop tickling me! Stop tickling me! 169 00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:55,093 -Full revenge, man. -Stop! Stop tickling me! 170 00:09:55,886 --> 00:09:58,597 l'm sorry, brother. Ha, ha. Oh, man. 171 00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:00,515 You should see the look on your stupid face. 172 00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:04,144 Ah. lt's good to see you, brother. Daddy got a little surprise for you. 173 00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:07,105 -Do you know what it is? -Yeah. But l ain't gonna tell you, dick sweat. 174 00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:09,065 -Bam! Ha, ha. -Ow! 175 00:10:09,233 --> 00:10:12,319 -lt's still funny. -Come on. Let's not keep Daddy waiting. 176 00:10:13,529 --> 00:10:16,239 MARTY: Okay. Hey, Daddy. 177 00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:26,833 Now, listen up. 178 00:10:27,001 --> 00:10:30,211 Glenn and Wade Motch called this morning. You know the Motch brothers? 179 00:10:30,379 --> 00:10:34,799 And they feel there's an opening to challenge Cam Brady for congressman. 180 00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:38,428 And, well... 181 00:10:38,596 --> 00:10:40,597 ...believe it or not... 182 00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:43,767 ...they want you to run for office. 183 00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:48,480 Dad, that is like the greatest.... 184 00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:53,693 This is like the greatest news l've ever heard. l can't believe this. 185 00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:57,155 All these years l've been begging you to let me get into politics... 186 00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:58,740 ...and right now here it is. 187 00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:02,952 l didn't even know they knew who l was. Motch brothers. 188 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:04,996 Well, l'll tell you this. 189 00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:09,668 l'll make you proud. l will. 190 00:11:11,295 --> 00:11:13,296 l'll make you-- l'll make you real proud. 191 00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:17,342 l'd say there's mathematically zero chance of that happening. 192 00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,594 Your brother Tripp is a bull's-eye. 193 00:11:19,762 --> 00:11:23,306 But you look like Richard Simmons just crapped out a goddamn hobbit. 194 00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:28,436 Dad, if you're still holding a grudge because l wore Crocs to Mom's funeral... 195 00:11:28,604 --> 00:11:32,232 ...like l've told you a thousand times, l'm sorry. 196 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:35,068 Mom would've wanted it that way. She was casual. 197 00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:37,195 l don't even know what to think. 198 00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:39,280 l got so many thoughts running through my mind... 199 00:11:39,448 --> 00:11:43,743 ...about what l can do for the district and for the town, for the people of Hammond. 200 00:11:43,911 --> 00:11:47,163 Give them a voice. Put them in the right direction. 201 00:11:47,331 --> 00:11:49,290 l mean, it's a mess out there. 202 00:11:49,458 --> 00:11:53,294 Son, it's no secret we've never enjoyed each other's company. 203 00:11:53,462 --> 00:11:56,005 You can be so bleak sometimes, Dad. 204 00:11:56,173 --> 00:11:57,215 Hmm. 205 00:11:57,717 --> 00:12:02,053 Did you ever get that calendar l sent of those animals dressed in human clothing? 206 00:12:02,221 --> 00:12:05,014 l was looking at mine yesterday because l bought one for myself... 207 00:12:05,182 --> 00:12:07,767 ...and it had a giraffe in high heels. 208 00:12:07,935 --> 00:12:10,562 And l thought to myself, "Who thinks of this stuff?" 209 00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,355 l laughed so hard. 210 00:12:12,523 --> 00:12:15,942 l thought it was super cute. A giraffe is tall enough as is. 211 00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:18,778 Then somebody thought, "Let's put a giraffe in high heels. 212 00:12:18,946 --> 00:12:21,281 Maybe add a belt. There was a little bow on him." 213 00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:24,409 Boy, you really are a sad little fucker, aren't you? 214 00:12:49,268 --> 00:12:51,853 [lN MANDARlN] 215 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:06,826 WADE: This is the 14th district of North Carolina and the city of Hammond. 216 00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:10,830 We are acquiring massive parcels of real estate under a shell corporation... 217 00:13:10,998 --> 00:13:13,124 ...so we can reopen three large factories. 218 00:13:13,292 --> 00:13:14,834 Ostensibly, we own this district. 219 00:13:15,002 --> 00:13:18,421 We think we can operate at the same regulatory and wage levels as China... 220 00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:20,590 ...and eliminate shipping costs. 221 00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:23,009 [lN ENGLlSH] And your government will cooperate? 222 00:13:23,177 --> 00:13:26,012 We also own the most important resource of all: 223 00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:27,680 a willing candidate. 224 00:13:27,848 --> 00:13:31,643 Candidate. Your elections are unpredictable. 225 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:35,271 Mr. Zheng, there's something you need to know about American politics. 226 00:13:35,439 --> 00:13:38,817 When you've got the money, nothing is unpredictable. 227 00:13:38,984 --> 00:13:40,568 [CHUCKLES] 228 00:13:41,570 --> 00:13:44,531 CARTER: Sometimes democracy moves with the stroke of a pen... 229 00:13:44,698 --> 00:13:48,243 ...and tonight Cam Brady will win his fifth term in Congress... 230 00:13:48,410 --> 00:13:50,829 ...simply by registering for the ballot. 231 00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:53,289 That's the perks of running unopposed. 232 00:13:53,457 --> 00:13:57,085 -Check it out. lt's a picture of my dick. -Oh, come on. 233 00:13:57,253 --> 00:14:00,463 l shaved my pubic hair to look like a 1 9th-century handlebar mustache. 234 00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:03,383 -Man, put that away, will you? -l'm gonna tweet it to Shana. 235 00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:05,677 -Cam, don't do that, please. -Too late. 236 00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,846 l CC'd you. Heh. 237 00:14:08,013 --> 00:14:09,806 -l don't wanna see it. -You're welcome. 238 00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:15,103 Next up, we have ballot confirmation of Camden Brady, congressman. 239 00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:16,312 CAM: Thank you, Carl. 240 00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:18,940 -Let's get this bad boy signed. CARL: Let's do it. 241 00:14:19,108 --> 00:14:21,109 [DOOR HANDLE RATTLlNG] 242 00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:31,202 l couldn't tell what was going on. l thought the thing was locked. 243 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,290 What the hell is this? 244 00:14:38,085 --> 00:14:39,586 -[WHlSPERS] Hey, Becky. BECKY: Hi. 245 00:14:39,753 --> 00:14:41,337 [BOTH CHUCKLE] 246 00:14:43,674 --> 00:14:48,720 Hello. My name is Marty Sylvester Huggins... 247 00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:54,809 ...and l'm here today to formally announce my candidacy on the Republican ticket... 248 00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:57,937 ...for the 14th district for congressman. 249 00:14:58,355 --> 00:15:03,985 l have, uh, my check and my application and my birth certificate all right here if you.... 250 00:15:04,153 --> 00:15:06,279 Wait, what--? Hold on. Hold on. What's going on here? 251 00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:07,530 [GAVEL BANGS] 252 00:15:07,698 --> 00:15:10,783 Hold on a second, Cam. Let me take a look at this. 253 00:15:12,036 --> 00:15:13,661 All his paperwork is here. 254 00:15:13,829 --> 00:15:15,121 [GAVEL BANGS] 255 00:15:15,289 --> 00:15:17,498 Marty Huggins is officially on the ballot... 256 00:15:17,666 --> 00:15:19,834 -...running for congressional representative... -What? 257 00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:21,961 ...of the 14th district of North Carolina. 258 00:15:22,129 --> 00:15:23,963 -Are you kidding me? -Hey, come on, Carl. 259 00:15:24,131 --> 00:15:26,591 -ls this some kind ofjoke? -Come on, Carl. 260 00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,551 They're gonna wanna get to know you... 261 00:15:28,719 --> 00:15:30,887 ...now that you're challenging our congressman. 262 00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:32,889 How do you expect to do that? 263 00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:39,562 -Uh, say that again. -That's Marty Huggins. 264 00:15:39,730 --> 00:15:42,899 You know, back in fourth grade, they used to call him Tickle Shits... 265 00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:45,735 ...because all you had to do was tickle him and he'd shit his pants. 266 00:15:45,903 --> 00:15:48,154 -Oh, l remember that name. -Mm-hm. 267 00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:50,615 [CHUCKLlNG] l'm Marty Huggins, and l approve this message. 268 00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:52,533 -l've always wanted to say that. -Heh. 269 00:15:56,288 --> 00:15:58,164 What the hell? 270 00:15:58,332 --> 00:15:59,624 MARTY: l can't seem to-- 271 00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:01,626 -Push the door. MlTCH: Yeah, you gonna push. 272 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:04,420 Push it? Push it real good? 273 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:07,966 -Not good with doors. Heh. -No. 274 00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:10,385 -lt's called a door. -Ha, ha. 275 00:16:10,594 --> 00:16:12,261 Breaking news out of North Carolina. 276 00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:13,972 Democratic incumbent Cam Brady... 277 00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:17,141 ...getting a run for his money by newcomer Marty Huggins. 278 00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:20,395 Early rumors have billionaire industrialists the Motch brothers... 279 00:16:20,562 --> 00:16:22,647 ...financing a PAC supporting Huggins. 280 00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:27,402 And with a thin majority in the House, this race could be hugely important. 281 00:16:28,237 --> 00:16:31,364 You know, baby, l've been thinking. l don't like this. 282 00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:35,326 Why does a Marty Huggins come out of nowhere and decide to run? 283 00:16:35,494 --> 00:16:38,830 Baby, l'm a thoroughbred. l'm gonna smoke that clown. 284 00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:43,209 Kids, put your headphones in. About to use TV mature words. 285 00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:45,795 You know l love it when you get all bitchy and wild. 286 00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:50,341 You listen to me, you dick dragging around a body. 287 00:16:50,509 --> 00:16:53,428 Marty Huggins' daddy is Raymond Huggins. 288 00:16:53,595 --> 00:16:55,722 He was Jesse Helms' campaign manager for six terms. 289 00:16:55,889 --> 00:16:58,474 -Mm-hm. -He's got fucking juice. What have you got? 290 00:16:58,642 --> 00:17:01,978 A mistress with a GED and a 9-year-old son. 291 00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:03,855 She's got a kid? 292 00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:07,817 [THREE 6 MAFlA'S "AZZ & TlTTlEZ" PLAYlNG ON HEADPHONES] 293 00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:10,361 Ass and titties, ass and titties And big booty bitches 294 00:17:10,529 --> 00:17:12,864 [lNAUDlBLE DlALOGUE] 295 00:17:13,073 --> 00:17:15,241 Ass and titties, ass and titties Ass and titties 296 00:17:15,451 --> 00:17:18,077 Last election, Newsweek mentioned you as a possible VP. 297 00:17:18,245 --> 00:17:20,705 -l want that VP nod, Cam. CAM: Okay. 298 00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:25,168 l wanna be second lady. And what are you doing to make that happen? 299 00:17:25,335 --> 00:17:30,006 You're grinding your hairy crescent roll against any piece of ass that flashes you a smile. 300 00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:32,508 None of that was my fault. l was powerless. 301 00:17:32,676 --> 00:17:38,222 l was plied with copious amounts of Red Bull, Jell-O shots... 302 00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:39,599 ...and Goldschläger. 303 00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:42,477 Remember Dr. Jenkins, he thought l had Crohn's disease. 304 00:17:42,644 --> 00:17:45,605 There were flakes of 24-karat gold in my stool for about a month. 305 00:17:45,773 --> 00:17:47,023 [SCOFFS] 306 00:17:47,232 --> 00:17:50,359 l crapped gold. 307 00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,571 MARTY: Was the nicest thing. 308 00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:56,074 -Just got a call from, uh, Cam Brady... -Oh. 309 00:17:56,241 --> 00:17:59,911 ...saying that, uh, he invited me to something called a civility brunch. 310 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,120 MlTZl: Oh. 311 00:18:01,288 --> 00:18:04,123 Which l think is just a chance for us to share a meal together... 312 00:18:04,291 --> 00:18:06,459 ...and talk about the campaign and its issues... 313 00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:09,378 ...and make sure that everything's gonna be civil, you know? 314 00:18:09,546 --> 00:18:13,508 That's a lovely idea, Marty. We're all so proud of you. 315 00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:17,845 l knew one day your dad would realize your true potential. 316 00:18:18,013 --> 00:18:22,100 Um, boys, put down your utensils. l wanna talk to you about something real quick. 317 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:25,561 l wanted to take this time... 318 00:18:25,729 --> 00:18:29,690 ...to say that we're gonna be under a lot of media scrutiny. 319 00:18:30,150 --> 00:18:33,820 So if there's anything that you wanna talk about... 320 00:18:33,987 --> 00:18:36,155 ...any kind of secrets... 321 00:18:36,323 --> 00:18:38,991 ...or stories or fibs... 322 00:18:40,077 --> 00:18:42,870 ...now's the time to put it on the table, okay? 323 00:18:43,038 --> 00:18:45,957 And if you tell me, if you tell me and your mom... 324 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,333 ...we're not gonna be mad. 325 00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:49,377 [SlGHS] 326 00:18:50,087 --> 00:18:53,089 l said the Lord's name in vain at school. 327 00:18:54,424 --> 00:18:56,175 Mm-hm. 328 00:19:01,515 --> 00:19:04,642 Well, l said l wasn't gonna get angry, and l'm not angry. 329 00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:05,977 Okay. Good. 330 00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:11,107 l went to the petting zoo and l let the goat lick my penis. 331 00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:15,236 What? What--? 332 00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:19,240 -Now, that l have a-- MlTZl: Now, honey. 333 00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:22,076 Now, you promised you wouldn't get mad, okay? 334 00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:24,412 They're just-- They're being honest. 335 00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:28,166 Okay. Maybe that's-- Hopefully, that's it. 336 00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:31,794 l had a beer with the old biker man at the end of the street... 337 00:19:31,962 --> 00:19:34,463 ...and he let me touch his old lady's titty. 338 00:19:34,631 --> 00:19:38,092 -Oh, God. -Ugh. "Breast." 339 00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:42,680 l go to the mall and hide in a stairwell and take photos up women's skirts. 340 00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:46,517 l have a whole book of cooter shots under my bed. 341 00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:52,023 One time l put a firefly in my butthole. 342 00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:55,818 -Why? -To make my farts glow. 343 00:19:55,986 --> 00:19:57,612 Oh, God. 344 00:19:57,779 --> 00:20:04,076 l shaved the dog and glued the hair to my nut sac so l'd look like a grown man. 345 00:20:04,745 --> 00:20:06,204 Oh, God. 346 00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:09,916 l touch myself to Drew Carey on The Price ls Right. 347 00:20:10,083 --> 00:20:11,083 God. 348 00:20:11,418 --> 00:20:13,127 Okay, that's enough. Stop, please. 349 00:20:15,130 --> 00:20:17,632 CAM: l wanna thank you all for coming here today. 350 00:20:17,799 --> 00:20:22,553 Events like this give us an opportunity to show Washington, D.C... 351 00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:26,682 ...that we're not gonna stand for the mudslinging that's tearing this country apart. 352 00:20:26,850 --> 00:20:28,017 Support our troops. 353 00:20:28,185 --> 00:20:29,894 -Yes. -Yeah. 354 00:20:31,396 --> 00:20:34,232 And with that, l would like to, uh, take this time... 355 00:20:34,399 --> 00:20:38,736 ...to introduce my opponent and, uh, my friend, Marty Huggins. 356 00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:40,321 Marty? 357 00:20:44,034 --> 00:20:45,076 Thank you so much. 358 00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:49,163 Thank you, uh, Cam. Thank you, uh-- Thank you everybody. 359 00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:54,418 Well, l'm a little nervous. Heh. l'll be honest with you. Um.... 360 00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,755 My dad always told me two things about giving speeches. 361 00:20:57,923 --> 00:21:01,175 One, never say anything bad about the Jews... 362 00:21:01,343 --> 00:21:04,512 ...and two, tell an interesting story. 363 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:05,763 l have two pugs. 364 00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:09,100 One's named Poundcake and one's named Muffins. 365 00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:10,685 Good Lord. 366 00:21:10,852 --> 00:21:14,397 Anyway, Poundcake loves to get underneath the sofa. 367 00:21:14,564 --> 00:21:15,982 And l know exactly why. 368 00:21:16,149 --> 00:21:18,901 Because my wife leaves Milky Ways underneath the sofa... 369 00:21:19,069 --> 00:21:20,528 ...with Hamburger Helper on it. 370 00:21:20,696 --> 00:21:24,615 And Muffins is always yapping at him, like, "Don't go underneath the sofa." 371 00:21:24,783 --> 00:21:25,950 And Poundcake barks back: 372 00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:28,577 "l am under the sofa, and l'm having a good time." 373 00:21:28,996 --> 00:21:30,621 And they look at me like, "What?" 374 00:21:30,789 --> 00:21:33,374 The other one's looking at the other one, going, "What?" 375 00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:35,710 Then l walk in like, "What are y'all two doing?" 376 00:21:35,877 --> 00:21:37,628 But every day, it's the same thing. 377 00:21:37,796 --> 00:21:41,424 Just barking about one of them being underneath the sofa. 378 00:21:43,260 --> 00:21:46,053 -That's-- And that's my story. -All right. 379 00:21:46,221 --> 00:21:48,514 [AUDlENCE MURMURlNG THEN APPLAUDlNG] 380 00:21:48,682 --> 00:21:50,641 Thank you very much. 381 00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:52,893 CAM: Thank you, Marty. 382 00:21:53,562 --> 00:21:54,937 Have a seat. 383 00:21:55,105 --> 00:21:58,149 l am sorry. Where are my manners? l forgot Marty's bio. 384 00:21:58,317 --> 00:21:59,567 Didn't know l had a bio. 385 00:21:59,735 --> 00:22:01,736 CAM: Mitch, if you'd go ahead and kill the lights. 386 00:22:01,903 --> 00:22:04,030 lf we could draw those curtains, thank you. 387 00:22:04,531 --> 00:22:05,865 Little presentation. 388 00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:10,202 Today we are here to meet Martin Sylvester Huggins... 389 00:22:10,370 --> 00:22:12,538 ...who was born right here in 1 972. 390 00:22:12,706 --> 00:22:16,751 As a boy, Marty attended camp for weight loss and emotional stability. 391 00:22:16,918 --> 00:22:17,960 [AUDlENCE CHUCKLlNG] 392 00:22:18,128 --> 00:22:23,215 ln high school, he was part of an all-male a cappella group, Dude Ranch. 393 00:22:23,383 --> 00:22:25,301 At 25, he met the love of his life. 394 00:22:25,469 --> 00:22:28,929 She proposed to him six times before he said yes. 395 00:22:29,097 --> 00:22:30,639 Together, they have two boys... 396 00:22:30,807 --> 00:22:34,352 ...and two pugs, which, keep in mind, are Chinese. 397 00:22:34,519 --> 00:22:36,062 They're Chinese dogs. 398 00:22:36,229 --> 00:22:37,980 [LAUGHlNG] 399 00:22:38,148 --> 00:22:40,900 And currently Marty Huggins works out at Curves... 400 00:22:41,443 --> 00:22:44,403 ...which is a workout facility for plus-size women. 401 00:22:47,199 --> 00:22:50,701 Anyway, don't you find that interesting to learn about Marty Huggins? 402 00:22:50,869 --> 00:22:52,787 That's my opponent, Marty Huggins. 403 00:22:54,373 --> 00:22:57,416 Eat up, everyone. Enjoy. 404 00:23:00,712 --> 00:23:03,214 Welcome to the fucking show. 405 00:23:07,302 --> 00:23:08,677 [SNlFFLES] 406 00:23:13,767 --> 00:23:16,894 Okay, Marty, you're not gonna cry. 407 00:23:17,062 --> 00:23:18,104 [GASPS] 408 00:23:18,271 --> 00:23:21,190 Hey. Get some American dogs, you Commie! 409 00:23:22,984 --> 00:23:24,402 -They're not Communist dogs. -Drive. 410 00:23:24,569 --> 00:23:25,903 [SHRlEKS] 411 00:23:26,071 --> 00:23:28,906 Move the car. Stab and steer. Let's go. 412 00:23:29,116 --> 00:23:31,283 -Who are you? -Tim Wattley. 413 00:23:31,451 --> 00:23:34,453 Motch brothers sent me. l'm your campaign manager. 414 00:23:34,621 --> 00:23:37,248 l'm here to make you not suck. 415 00:23:38,959 --> 00:23:41,419 Now put this shit bucket in gear. 416 00:23:51,346 --> 00:23:55,850 -What's this all about, Mr. Wattley? -Your life as you know it is over. 417 00:23:56,017 --> 00:23:58,936 Your campaign headquarters are being furnished and staffed... 418 00:23:59,104 --> 00:24:02,940 ...and the Motch brothers have put $1 million into your political action committee. 419 00:24:03,108 --> 00:24:05,776 But these are my things. l mean, this is my doily collection. 420 00:24:06,736 --> 00:24:10,072 -And that's my sign. TlM: From now on, you don't own pugs. 421 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:13,159 You own a chocolate Lab and a golden retriever, two highest-polling dogs. 422 00:24:13,326 --> 00:24:15,911 One of them will be named Sergeant, the other Scout. 423 00:24:16,079 --> 00:24:18,831 They will wear bandanas. 424 00:24:18,999 --> 00:24:20,040 Sit. 425 00:24:21,376 --> 00:24:22,418 What about my pugs? 426 00:24:22,586 --> 00:24:25,254 -Have them put down humanely. MAN: Coming through. 427 00:24:25,422 --> 00:24:26,964 MlTZl: No. That cannot stay there. 428 00:24:27,132 --> 00:24:30,801 You wanna put a live deer in the backyard, fine, but l don't want dead things-- 429 00:24:30,969 --> 00:24:33,304 No. You cannot have guns in here. Are you crazy? 430 00:24:33,472 --> 00:24:37,016 Dylan is prone to intense bouts of violence. 431 00:24:37,184 --> 00:24:40,936 Marty. Marty, they just let themselves in. l tried to stop them. 432 00:24:41,104 --> 00:24:43,647 They want me to cut my hair like Katie Couric. 433 00:24:43,815 --> 00:24:45,524 l want a Bible on this end table... 434 00:24:45,692 --> 00:24:49,320 ...and an oil painting of an eagle over this fireplace, stat. 435 00:24:50,030 --> 00:24:53,782 -l want Lee Greenwood playing 24/7. -Mitzi, they're just trying to help us win. 436 00:24:53,950 --> 00:24:56,785 -Tim, where you going? MlTZl: No, no, no. 437 00:24:56,953 --> 00:24:58,537 You do not take down my family. 438 00:24:58,705 --> 00:25:01,832 Mr. Wattley, what are you doing? That's my wardrobe. 439 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:03,375 Not anymore, it's not. 440 00:25:03,543 --> 00:25:06,962 From now on, you wear Men's Wearhouse for formal... 441 00:25:07,130 --> 00:25:09,340 ...and the Greg Norman sport collection for cazh. 442 00:25:09,508 --> 00:25:12,510 And for God's sakes, put those beds together. 443 00:25:12,677 --> 00:25:14,595 No. No. 444 00:25:19,851 --> 00:25:22,269 These kids need some real help. 445 00:25:22,437 --> 00:25:24,813 Either one of you throw a football? 446 00:25:25,565 --> 00:25:27,983 Goddamn it, what have you been doing with these boys? 447 00:25:28,151 --> 00:25:30,236 MlTZl: They're homeschooled. -They're good eaters. 448 00:25:30,445 --> 00:25:31,529 We have 49 days... 449 00:25:31,696 --> 00:25:35,616 ...before this district of 700,000 people decides if they like you or not. 450 00:25:35,784 --> 00:25:38,702 Right now, your likability is at 26 percent. 451 00:25:38,870 --> 00:25:42,790 The focus group words that come up about you are "odd"... 452 00:25:42,958 --> 00:25:45,543 ..."clammy," "probably Serbian." 453 00:25:45,710 --> 00:25:48,504 -That's an old one. -"He looks like the Travelocity gnome." 454 00:25:48,672 --> 00:25:49,713 What? 455 00:25:49,881 --> 00:25:54,134 lf you really wanna help this district, the first thing you have to do, Marty, is win. 456 00:25:54,302 --> 00:25:58,889 l do wanna help the district. l love my home. lt's just all happening so fast. 457 00:25:59,057 --> 00:26:03,686 Listen, l think Cam Brady can be beaten. But l don't believe you believe that. 458 00:26:03,853 --> 00:26:05,062 You know what? 459 00:26:05,230 --> 00:26:09,149 l'm just gonna call your dad and tell him you don't have the rocks for this. 460 00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:10,776 Hey. 461 00:26:11,319 --> 00:26:13,028 You put your phone away, Mr. Wattley. 462 00:26:13,196 --> 00:26:17,324 This might be hard for you to believe, but this dog has a ton of fight in him. 463 00:26:17,492 --> 00:26:18,534 A ton of fight. 464 00:26:18,702 --> 00:26:23,289 And when l get a scent, l hunt, brother. l hunt all day long. 465 00:26:23,456 --> 00:26:25,916 So don't you ever insinuate anything like that again. 466 00:26:32,299 --> 00:26:33,841 Call me Tim. 467 00:26:34,009 --> 00:26:36,552 Complete makeover, head to toe. 468 00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:40,389 No, no, no, not the pink one. Let me have a black one. 469 00:26:40,557 --> 00:26:43,267 lt looks like that Precious girl's panties. 470 00:26:43,435 --> 00:26:46,520 Younger, stronger, smarter. 471 00:26:48,523 --> 00:26:49,815 Hit him again. 472 00:26:49,983 --> 00:26:53,235 Oh! Don't do that, it tickles, okay? 473 00:26:56,406 --> 00:27:02,494 Why don't you clean this crap up off the beach? Keep the change. 474 00:27:02,662 --> 00:27:05,289 Like Burt. Goddamn it. 475 00:27:05,457 --> 00:27:07,291 Why don't you clean this crap up off the beach? 476 00:27:07,459 --> 00:27:09,918 TlM: Again. -Why don't you clean this crap up off the beach? 477 00:27:10,462 --> 00:27:12,713 -Get rid of this. -That's where l keep my things. 478 00:27:12,881 --> 00:27:15,299 No, up. l need you up, like this. See the difference? 479 00:27:15,467 --> 00:27:17,635 -Yeah. -Here. Watch me. Up. Up. 480 00:27:17,802 --> 00:27:20,929 Swag. There you go. Like a man. 481 00:27:32,817 --> 00:27:34,068 Right, Mitch. 482 00:27:34,235 --> 00:27:37,363 No, l'm out campaigning right now. Mm-hm. 483 00:27:37,530 --> 00:27:40,699 l'm not taking this thing too lightly. Heh, give me a break. 484 00:27:40,867 --> 00:27:42,368 You know me better than that. 485 00:27:42,535 --> 00:27:47,498 No, l'm meet-- l'm literally meeting people. Hold on, l gotta shake this guy's hand. 486 00:27:50,794 --> 00:27:52,920 Nice to meet you too, sir. 487 00:27:53,088 --> 00:27:54,338 Okay, l'm back. 488 00:27:56,925 --> 00:27:59,718 Sassy salesman sold me Sicilian sausages. 489 00:27:59,886 --> 00:28:02,596 Keep it simple and direct questions to the talking points. 490 00:28:02,806 --> 00:28:06,141 -My boy Spanx are too tight. -They're supposed to be. Now suck in. 491 00:28:06,309 --> 00:28:09,269 When you meet Cam at center stage, shake hands but don't let go. 492 00:28:09,437 --> 00:28:13,357 Pull him close, maintain a smile, and then lay some trash talk on him. 493 00:28:13,525 --> 00:28:14,692 -Yeah. -Set the tone. 494 00:28:14,859 --> 00:28:15,984 Right. 495 00:28:16,152 --> 00:28:19,988 -You jacked? -Yeah, yeah, yeah, l'm jacked, yeah. 496 00:28:21,741 --> 00:28:24,993 -Now you're jacked. -Now l'm jacked. Okay. 497 00:28:33,545 --> 00:28:38,966 Must be hard running for Miss America and teaching high school at the same time. 498 00:28:39,134 --> 00:28:41,260 Right. Uh, congressman, l'm married. 499 00:28:41,428 --> 00:28:42,720 -l'm married too. -Good. 500 00:28:42,887 --> 00:28:45,723 -Looks like we got a common denominator. -Oh. 501 00:28:45,890 --> 00:28:47,808 -lt's a math joke. -Mm-hm. 502 00:28:47,976 --> 00:28:49,435 -Excuse me, darling. -lt's good. 503 00:28:49,602 --> 00:28:51,311 -Mind if l talk to my man here? -Sure. 504 00:28:51,479 --> 00:28:54,022 -l appreciate it. Thank you. -She's very nice. 505 00:28:54,190 --> 00:28:56,525 MlTCH: l just found out some interesting news. -Mm-hm. 506 00:28:56,693 --> 00:29:00,738 The Motch brothers put a million bucks in Marty Huggins' political action committee. 507 00:29:00,905 --> 00:29:03,073 Marty Huggins has a political action committee? 508 00:29:03,241 --> 00:29:05,325 MlTCH: Evidently. Yeah, it's called HugPAC. 509 00:29:05,493 --> 00:29:06,827 And l saw him on the way in. 510 00:29:06,995 --> 00:29:09,955 They got him in a hundred-dollar suit and gave him a $5 haircut. 511 00:29:10,123 --> 00:29:12,124 Looks like they just pissed away a million dollars. 512 00:29:12,292 --> 00:29:13,333 MlTCH: Mm-hm. 513 00:29:13,501 --> 00:29:15,878 -How's my hair? -Strong. 514 00:29:16,045 --> 00:29:17,796 Too strong. 515 00:29:18,006 --> 00:29:21,175 Good evening, everyone. Please welcome candidate Marty Huggins... 516 00:29:21,342 --> 00:29:23,260 ...and Congressman Cam Brady. 517 00:29:23,428 --> 00:29:25,179 [AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG] 518 00:29:27,140 --> 00:29:29,224 Yeah, baby. Looking good, baby. 519 00:29:31,811 --> 00:29:33,353 -Good to see you. -How you doing? 520 00:29:34,189 --> 00:29:37,566 Hate to break it to you, friend, but your balloon's getting ready to pop. 521 00:29:37,734 --> 00:29:40,194 And that balloon's full of your own butt toots. 522 00:29:40,361 --> 00:29:42,237 [WHlSPERlNG] Are you trying to trash-talk me? 523 00:29:42,781 --> 00:29:46,074 Might wanna decide whether you're gonna buy toilet paper or aftershave. 524 00:29:46,242 --> 00:29:48,702 -Because your face is like a butt. -Oh, my God. 525 00:29:48,870 --> 00:29:51,955 -You don't know how to trash-talk, do you? -[WHlSPERlNG] l do know how to. 526 00:29:52,123 --> 00:29:54,833 -Let me give you some trash talk, okay? -Mm-hm. 527 00:29:55,001 --> 00:29:58,420 You know what the difference between your mama and a washing machine is? 528 00:29:58,588 --> 00:30:00,339 When l dump a load in a machine... 529 00:30:00,507 --> 00:30:02,966 ...machine doesn't follow me around for three weeks. 530 00:30:03,510 --> 00:30:04,551 Now you go. 531 00:30:07,555 --> 00:30:10,390 You should take a bath in a toilet. l just wanna do the debate. 532 00:30:10,558 --> 00:30:11,767 No. Now l go. 533 00:30:11,935 --> 00:30:14,186 You're such a little turd... 534 00:30:14,354 --> 00:30:17,523 ...that when you sit in sand, cats try to bury you. 535 00:30:17,690 --> 00:30:19,316 You have a very vulgar mouth. 536 00:30:19,484 --> 00:30:23,195 -Please let go of my hand. -l want you to reach down and touch my nuts. 537 00:30:23,363 --> 00:30:25,405 MARTY: Stop. -That's what nuts feel like. Touch it. 538 00:30:25,573 --> 00:30:27,866 MARTY: l don't want to. -Let me see if you got any. 539 00:30:28,034 --> 00:30:30,202 Sirs. Sirs, we'd love to get started. 540 00:30:30,370 --> 00:30:31,453 [AUDlENCE MURMURlNG] 541 00:30:31,621 --> 00:30:33,038 -l'd love to start. -Me too. 542 00:30:35,917 --> 00:30:37,709 [AUDlENCE CHUCKLlNG] 543 00:30:42,632 --> 00:30:44,299 -Tim. -Get him something to stand on. 544 00:30:44,467 --> 00:30:46,260 [CHUCKLlNG] 545 00:30:46,636 --> 00:30:47,678 Thank you. 546 00:30:47,846 --> 00:30:50,305 MODERATOR: Our first question will go to the incumbent. 547 00:30:50,473 --> 00:30:53,183 How would you bring jobs back to the 14th district? 548 00:30:53,351 --> 00:30:56,353 That's a great question, Carl. Thank you for asking it. 549 00:30:56,521 --> 00:31:00,190 lt's the first thing l think of when l wake up in the morning... 550 00:31:00,358 --> 00:31:03,360 ...and it's the last thing l think of when l go to bed. 551 00:31:03,528 --> 00:31:08,115 Jobs in North Carolina mean what? A strong North Carolina. 552 00:31:08,283 --> 00:31:12,244 And a strong North Carolina means a strong America. 553 00:31:12,412 --> 00:31:14,830 And that, my friends, is how we're gonna do it. 554 00:31:14,998 --> 00:31:18,166 WOMAN: All right. ROSE: lt's how we do, baby. 555 00:31:18,334 --> 00:31:20,210 -Yeah. -lt's how we do. 556 00:31:20,753 --> 00:31:22,045 MAN: You've got my vote, Cam. 557 00:31:24,173 --> 00:31:26,925 Mr. Huggins, you have one minute for a rebuttal. 558 00:31:27,093 --> 00:31:28,594 Just like we rehearsed. 559 00:31:28,761 --> 00:31:32,264 Cam Brady just gave you the old D.C. Dip and Twirl. 560 00:31:32,432 --> 00:31:34,182 Just danced around the question. 561 00:31:34,809 --> 00:31:38,937 Well, l'm here to tell you, North Carolina, that when it comes to jobs for my district... 562 00:31:39,105 --> 00:31:41,189 ...Martin Huggins doesn't dance. 563 00:31:41,357 --> 00:31:45,277 He rolls up his sleeves, puts his sandwich in his lunch pail... 564 00:31:45,445 --> 00:31:48,071 ...and brings jobs to the Tar Heel State. 565 00:31:48,239 --> 00:31:49,865 -Yes! -Yes! 566 00:31:50,033 --> 00:31:51,366 [AUDlENCE CHEERlNG] 567 00:31:54,537 --> 00:31:55,829 What the hell? 568 00:31:58,499 --> 00:32:01,251 Let's bring back corporations to North Carolina. 569 00:32:01,419 --> 00:32:03,378 Let's clean up D.C. 570 00:32:03,546 --> 00:32:07,591 And bring your brooms, because it's a mess. 571 00:32:18,061 --> 00:32:22,230 There was a clear winner in the first debate. Marty Huggins simply electrified this crowd. 572 00:32:22,398 --> 00:32:25,233 Two hours ago, this congressional race was dead on arrival. 573 00:32:25,401 --> 00:32:28,862 TlM: That was real nice, Marty. -l was jacked. l don't know what l was saying. 574 00:32:29,030 --> 00:32:31,657 -Doesn't matter. You killed it. -Marty. Here he is. 575 00:32:31,824 --> 00:32:34,159 Rumpelscrotskin, you been doing so good up there. 576 00:32:34,327 --> 00:32:35,619 Who did this to you? 577 00:32:35,787 --> 00:32:37,955 You could not have been doing this on your own. 578 00:32:38,122 --> 00:32:40,290 Oh. l want you to meet Becky. Becky, this is Marty. 579 00:32:40,458 --> 00:32:42,501 -Hey, Marty. -Hey, Becky. 580 00:32:42,669 --> 00:32:43,877 BECKY: Wow, you were great. 581 00:32:44,045 --> 00:32:46,755 -l thought you were married to Mindy. -l am. This is Becky. 582 00:32:46,923 --> 00:32:49,424 Your brother said l could dance in your campaign video. 583 00:32:49,592 --> 00:32:53,136 l have a lot of experience. l worked for Jumbo's and Crazy Girls. 584 00:32:53,304 --> 00:32:55,430 -Fantastic. -Well, well, well. Tim Wattley. 585 00:32:55,598 --> 00:32:59,726 -You really outdone yourself this time. -Gentlemen. Very spirited debate. 586 00:32:59,894 --> 00:33:01,269 -Hey, Cam. -Hey, Becky. 587 00:33:01,437 --> 00:33:02,479 Hey, Becky. 588 00:33:02,647 --> 00:33:05,357 Well, if you'll excuse us, we've got some babies to kiss. 589 00:33:05,525 --> 00:33:06,900 MlTCH: Okay. 590 00:33:07,110 --> 00:33:09,069 lt was like l was another person, you know? 591 00:33:09,237 --> 00:33:12,030 l actually have a baby l need to kiss right down there. 592 00:33:12,198 --> 00:33:16,284 TlM: What's the matter with him? CAM: This is my district. That's my baby. 593 00:33:16,452 --> 00:33:19,246 -Excuse me. -Excuse me, please. 594 00:33:20,248 --> 00:33:22,958 Oh. Oh, you don't take a swing at my hair. 595 00:33:26,421 --> 00:33:28,630 You little fucker. 596 00:33:42,353 --> 00:33:44,563 No! 597 00:33:49,569 --> 00:33:51,236 Oh, shit. 598 00:33:58,244 --> 00:34:02,706 Bizarre news coming out of the 1 4th district congressional race in North Carolina. 599 00:34:02,874 --> 00:34:08,253 Now, get this: Cam Brady, four-time congressman, punched a baby. 600 00:34:08,421 --> 00:34:11,840 This is likely to hurt him with the Christian right, social conservatives. 601 00:34:12,008 --> 00:34:14,801 Really any group that opposes baby-punching. 602 00:34:14,969 --> 00:34:17,220 Baby is fine, and he said he punches like a 3-year-old. 603 00:34:17,388 --> 00:34:18,805 [AUDlENCE LAUGHS] 604 00:34:18,973 --> 00:34:21,016 After Cam Brady's baby-punching incident... 605 00:34:21,184 --> 00:34:24,519 ...Marty Huggins has jumped 1 1 points in the polls. 606 00:34:25,229 --> 00:34:28,982 That is totally taken out of context. 607 00:34:29,150 --> 00:34:31,443 Well, not really. l mean, you punched that baby. 608 00:34:31,611 --> 00:34:33,528 CAM: ls anyone asking how my hand feels... 609 00:34:33,696 --> 00:34:37,783 ...after punching that iron-like jaw of that baby? 610 00:34:37,950 --> 00:34:40,619 -How is your hand? CAM: l can't even make a fist. 611 00:34:40,787 --> 00:34:43,622 l tell you right now, though, l'm so angered by seeing that... 612 00:34:43,790 --> 00:34:46,291 ...l wish l could go out and punch that baby again. 613 00:34:46,459 --> 00:34:49,836 MlTCH: We're getting killed. You're the best campaign-ad guy in the business. 614 00:34:50,004 --> 00:34:53,256 l got something that's gonna help. We tried to take a negative... 615 00:34:53,424 --> 00:34:57,469 ...okay, your recent scandals, and show the positive side of that negative. 616 00:34:58,137 --> 00:34:59,721 Take a look. 617 00:34:59,889 --> 00:35:02,015 NARRATOR [ON TV]: Cam Brady has come under fire... 618 00:35:02,183 --> 00:35:05,310 ...for getting it on with this woman, Shana St. Croix... 619 00:35:05,478 --> 00:35:09,564 ...a former professional cheerleader and part-time aerobics instructor... 620 00:35:09,732 --> 00:35:11,066 ...who can do this. 621 00:35:11,234 --> 00:35:12,567 [SHANA MOANlNG] 622 00:35:12,735 --> 00:35:14,319 And this. 623 00:35:15,154 --> 00:35:17,072 -Yes, she can. -Okay. 624 00:35:17,240 --> 00:35:19,533 NARRATOR: Shouldn't our leaders be men we admire? 625 00:35:19,700 --> 00:35:23,703 We can go into all the great things Cam's done as a congressman... 626 00:35:23,871 --> 00:35:26,581 ...or we can just show some more of this little honey. 627 00:35:26,791 --> 00:35:28,291 [CHUCKLES] 628 00:35:28,459 --> 00:35:30,001 Vote for Cam Brady... 629 00:35:30,169 --> 00:35:34,172 ...a real American man. 630 00:35:34,799 --> 00:35:37,509 MlTCH: l don't know. What do you think? -Oh, l fucking love it. 631 00:35:38,719 --> 00:35:41,054 Shana's gonna love it too. She looks so hot in it. 632 00:35:41,222 --> 00:35:42,264 Jesus, Cam. 633 00:35:42,431 --> 00:35:45,934 Well, let me tell you something. This spot tested through the roof with men. 634 00:35:46,102 --> 00:35:48,019 CAM: l knew it. -Now, here's the downside. 635 00:35:48,187 --> 00:35:49,521 Horrible numbers with women. 636 00:35:49,689 --> 00:35:51,106 MlTCH: You don't say. -Horrible? 637 00:35:51,274 --> 00:35:53,984 -Yeah, that's not a surprise to me. -Worst we've ever seen. 638 00:35:54,152 --> 00:35:55,235 CAM: You're kidding me. -No. 639 00:35:55,403 --> 00:35:59,406 -"Worst" as in...? -ln the history of numbers. 640 00:35:59,574 --> 00:36:00,907 Yeah, that's lower than l thought. 641 00:36:01,075 --> 00:36:05,412 Okay, now, this is a spot to raise some important questions in the minds of voters. 642 00:36:05,580 --> 00:36:08,081 We're calling it "Homeland lnsecurity." 643 00:36:08,249 --> 00:36:09,624 CAM: Ha, ha. RlCK: Check it out. 644 00:36:09,792 --> 00:36:12,002 NARRATOR [ON TV]: Al-Qaeda. The Taliban. 645 00:36:12,170 --> 00:36:13,920 l hate those guys. 646 00:36:14,088 --> 00:36:17,090 NARRATOR: One thing unites all of them in their blood pacts: 647 00:36:17,258 --> 00:36:18,842 facial hair. 648 00:36:19,010 --> 00:36:22,387 There's someone else, North Carolina, that has facial hair: 649 00:36:22,555 --> 00:36:23,930 Marty Huggins. 650 00:36:24,098 --> 00:36:25,140 -Right. RlCK: Right? 651 00:36:25,308 --> 00:36:27,475 NARRATOR: Why doesn't Marty Huggins answer the question? 652 00:36:27,643 --> 00:36:29,436 Is he a Taliban or an al Qaeda? 653 00:36:29,604 --> 00:36:30,687 Are you kidding me? 654 00:36:30,855 --> 00:36:33,523 NARRATOR: Why does Marty Huggins refuse to take a lie-detector test? 655 00:36:33,691 --> 00:36:34,733 CAM: Why won't he? 656 00:36:34,901 --> 00:36:37,360 NARRATOR: And where exactly was Marty Huggins on 9/1 1 ? 657 00:36:37,528 --> 00:36:38,862 -Bingo. RlCK: Okay. 658 00:36:39,030 --> 00:36:41,990 There's just too many questions. 659 00:36:43,409 --> 00:36:45,911 Boy, that is solid too. Real solid. 660 00:36:46,078 --> 00:36:47,913 -Yes. MlTCH: Uh, Rick, let me ask you this. 661 00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:52,834 Has there been any sort of correlation between Huggins and, heh, lslamic radicals? 662 00:36:53,002 --> 00:36:54,961 -l mean, at all? -None that l know of. 663 00:36:55,129 --> 00:36:57,881 What-- l think what Rick's trying to illustrate with that... 664 00:36:58,049 --> 00:37:01,259 ...is there's still a heck of a lot of questions about this guy. 665 00:37:01,427 --> 00:37:03,511 -Spot on. MlTCH: How are we gonna pay for these? 666 00:37:03,679 --> 00:37:07,641 We're gonna run them both. Let's turn the heat up on Mr. Marty Huggins. 667 00:37:07,808 --> 00:37:09,684 [LAUGHlNG] 668 00:37:09,852 --> 00:37:13,188 Gentlemen, we're really counting on your support. 669 00:37:13,731 --> 00:37:19,194 The guys at Goldman Sachs are prepared to donate $500,000 to your super PAC. 670 00:37:19,362 --> 00:37:22,405 Provided, of course, you pick up the phone any time we call. 671 00:37:22,573 --> 00:37:23,990 That's not gonna be a problem. 672 00:37:24,158 --> 00:37:26,785 lf you give us a million, hell, l'll let you sleep with my wife. 673 00:37:26,953 --> 00:37:28,828 [CHUCKLlNG] 674 00:37:29,038 --> 00:37:33,667 -And for 1 .5, l'll throw in my cousin. -l don't know if you want her cousin. 675 00:37:33,834 --> 00:37:35,085 That might drive the price down. 676 00:37:35,253 --> 00:37:37,003 -No, she lost weight. -Oh. 677 00:37:37,171 --> 00:37:40,131 Mrs. Brady, are you playing footsie with me under the table? 678 00:37:40,299 --> 00:37:41,424 Nope, that's me. 679 00:37:41,592 --> 00:37:43,343 [ALL CHUCKLlNG] 680 00:37:43,511 --> 00:37:45,512 He's a switch-hitter. 681 00:37:45,721 --> 00:37:47,430 -Oh, no. CAM: No, no. 682 00:37:47,598 --> 00:37:52,644 No. l did once. l did once, in college. Yes. Which we've never talked about. 683 00:37:53,646 --> 00:37:56,022 lt goes without saying, this lunch never happened. 684 00:37:56,190 --> 00:37:58,066 [ALL LAUGHlNG] 685 00:38:00,528 --> 00:38:02,737 MAN 1 : This question is for the congressman. 686 00:38:02,905 --> 00:38:08,368 Why have you consistently voted against campaign-finance reform? 687 00:38:08,536 --> 00:38:09,577 ALL: Yeah. 688 00:38:09,745 --> 00:38:12,247 MAN 1 : We all know big money is running this country. 689 00:38:12,415 --> 00:38:14,708 MAN 2: That's right. -Do they run you? 690 00:38:14,875 --> 00:38:16,751 ALL: Yeah! 691 00:38:17,461 --> 00:38:18,503 CAM: Hold on. 692 00:38:18,671 --> 00:38:23,133 Why don't we stop all the softball questions and ask some real questions, okay? 693 00:38:23,301 --> 00:38:26,761 Like why won't Marty Huggins here take a lie-detector test? 694 00:38:26,929 --> 00:38:28,763 -Yeah. Take the test. JESSlCA: Yeah. 695 00:38:28,931 --> 00:38:31,975 -Yeah. -ls he an al Qaeda? ls he a Taliban? 696 00:38:32,143 --> 00:38:34,269 Congressman, please. 697 00:38:34,437 --> 00:38:37,564 l've seen a mustache like that before, and you know who wore it? 698 00:38:37,732 --> 00:38:39,107 Saddam Hussein. 699 00:38:39,275 --> 00:38:43,945 And l believe we never caught two of his sons, Uday and Falafel. 700 00:38:44,155 --> 00:38:45,655 [AUDlENCE CHUCKLES] 701 00:38:45,823 --> 00:38:48,116 l am not beholden to Cam Brady's accusations. 702 00:38:48,284 --> 00:38:49,784 l am beholden to only one man... 703 00:38:49,952 --> 00:38:52,662 ...and that is the greatest American that has ever lived: 704 00:38:52,830 --> 00:38:57,250 Jesus Christ. Who happened to have a mustache. 705 00:38:57,418 --> 00:39:01,171 There you go, Marty. Amen, Marty. Jesus loves you, Marty. 706 00:39:01,756 --> 00:39:03,548 Cam Brady, is it true... 707 00:39:03,716 --> 00:39:07,010 ...that you have not been to church in over nine months? 708 00:39:07,178 --> 00:39:10,555 MAN 3: Good question. CAM: First of all, my relationship to God... 709 00:39:10,723 --> 00:39:13,808 ...is not measured by taking attendance. 710 00:39:15,269 --> 00:39:16,311 MAN 4: Hallelujah. 711 00:39:16,479 --> 00:39:20,565 Well, as a Christian, l guess that it would be easy for you to recite the Lord's Prayer. 712 00:39:20,733 --> 00:39:24,110 ls that what we're resorting to here? Gestapo tactics? 713 00:39:24,278 --> 00:39:25,528 MAN 5: l would like to hear that. 714 00:39:25,696 --> 00:39:27,947 Would you like to hear him say the Lord's Prayer? 715 00:39:29,533 --> 00:39:31,701 MAN 6: You heard the man. -Fine, l'm happy to. Ahem. 716 00:39:31,869 --> 00:39:34,871 lf the media wouldn't mind turning off their recording devices... 717 00:39:35,039 --> 00:39:38,833 ...and closing their eyes as well, we can start with the Lord's Prayer. 718 00:39:39,001 --> 00:39:41,086 Our father... 719 00:39:41,962 --> 00:39:44,255 ...Art, who is up in heaven... 720 00:39:44,423 --> 00:39:46,424 ...aloe vera be thy name.... 721 00:39:46,592 --> 00:39:48,468 [AUDlENCE MURMURlNG] 722 00:39:49,053 --> 00:39:50,387 -[MOUTHS] Thy. Thy. CAM: The thigh. 723 00:39:51,222 --> 00:39:53,139 Thy kingdom.... 724 00:39:53,307 --> 00:39:55,642 Thy kingdom come. 725 00:39:56,227 --> 00:39:57,310 The magic kingdom. 726 00:39:57,478 --> 00:39:59,145 As it is on earth... 727 00:39:59,855 --> 00:40:01,523 ...in a helicopter. 728 00:40:01,690 --> 00:40:04,067 Give us this day our daily... 729 00:40:04,735 --> 00:40:07,195 ...pizza and let us digest it. 730 00:40:07,363 --> 00:40:09,489 Forgive us.... 731 00:40:10,574 --> 00:40:12,075 Pass. 732 00:40:12,243 --> 00:40:17,580 Forgive our passes we commit sometimes on womenfolk... 733 00:40:17,748 --> 00:40:22,127 ...with their dresses that are too tight. Like, that's a nice caboose you got on your-- 734 00:40:22,294 --> 00:40:23,336 [AUDlENCE MURMURlNG] 735 00:40:23,504 --> 00:40:25,839 You know what? That's not part of it, l know that. 736 00:40:26,549 --> 00:40:28,091 Keep your heads bowed, please. 737 00:40:28,259 --> 00:40:31,219 Forgive us for trespassing... 738 00:40:31,387 --> 00:40:33,805 ...and do not lead us to the Temptations. 739 00:40:33,973 --> 00:40:36,891 Because we are tired of them and their dancing. 740 00:40:37,393 --> 00:40:42,147 And deliver us from evil with your mighty sword and falcon... 741 00:40:42,314 --> 00:40:44,023 ...forever and ever and ever. Amen. 742 00:40:44,191 --> 00:40:46,025 ALL: Amen. 743 00:40:46,444 --> 00:40:48,278 -That wasn't right. MAN 7: He doesn't know it. 744 00:40:48,446 --> 00:40:51,030 -He does not know the Lord's Prayer. -lt's pretty close. 745 00:40:51,198 --> 00:40:52,574 l know the essence. 746 00:40:52,741 --> 00:40:57,912 l think we can all agree. Cam Brady, he's a mess. 747 00:40:58,080 --> 00:41:01,624 All l know, if you say, "lt's a mess," you don't support our troops. 748 00:41:01,792 --> 00:41:04,210 Cam Brady '012. l was the last one to say something. 749 00:41:04,378 --> 00:41:05,420 Yeah, baby. 750 00:41:05,588 --> 00:41:10,467 AUDlENCE [CHANTlNG]: Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty! 751 00:41:10,801 --> 00:41:14,762 You want a holy war, little man? You got one. 752 00:41:14,972 --> 00:41:18,266 [ALL SlNGlNG GOSPEL MUSlC] 753 00:41:18,434 --> 00:41:23,271 -Every day -Every day would be Sunday 754 00:41:23,772 --> 00:41:26,232 Thank you for having me at your congregation. 755 00:41:26,400 --> 00:41:31,488 First time l've worn a Yamaha. lt fits nicely. How do you say "lt's a mess" in Hebrew? 756 00:41:31,655 --> 00:41:32,697 [SPEAKS lN HEBREW] 757 00:41:32,865 --> 00:41:33,907 Donkey Kong? 758 00:41:34,450 --> 00:41:36,451 [SNAKES HlSSlNG] 759 00:41:36,660 --> 00:41:38,786 l have the faith in me. 760 00:41:38,954 --> 00:41:40,330 ALL: Hallelujah. -Yeah. All right. 761 00:41:40,498 --> 00:41:43,082 Mitch, l could do this forever. These snakes love me. 762 00:41:43,292 --> 00:41:44,876 [CAM YELLS] 763 00:41:45,419 --> 00:41:48,755 Goddamn it. Fucking son of a fuck. 764 00:41:48,923 --> 00:41:52,300 Oh, the fucking cunt-ass serpent bit me! 765 00:41:52,843 --> 00:41:58,264 Oh, jam a lit sparkler up my dickhole. That is painful. 766 00:41:58,432 --> 00:42:02,143 Staple my tits to my balls and then do sit-ups. lt hurts. 767 00:42:02,311 --> 00:42:06,147 Sir, words like that have never been spoken in this room. 768 00:42:06,315 --> 00:42:09,734 But the fucker bit me. l'm sorry, the snake bit me. 769 00:42:09,902 --> 00:42:13,905 -Which means you don't have the faith of God. -Yeah-- Yes, l do. 770 00:42:14,073 --> 00:42:18,660 God has removed the venom from my blood and the blasphemy from my heart. 771 00:42:19,119 --> 00:42:21,955 -lt's a miracle. -lt's a miracle. 772 00:42:22,122 --> 00:42:24,249 ALL: Hallelujah. 773 00:42:25,626 --> 00:42:29,879 -l can't feel anything. lt's F'd up. -Hey, you okay? 774 00:42:31,340 --> 00:42:34,133 Hey, Cam. Come on, we gotta go. 775 00:42:34,301 --> 00:42:37,845 l feel like l'm maintaining. Am l maintaining, Mitch? 776 00:42:38,013 --> 00:42:42,100 -No, you're not. You look horrible. Come on. -Let's get a couple of burritos. 777 00:42:42,309 --> 00:42:44,143 [ALL LAUGHlNG] 778 00:42:44,311 --> 00:42:45,353 [GROANS] 779 00:42:46,897 --> 00:42:48,731 [YELLlNG] 780 00:42:48,899 --> 00:42:50,441 [ALL GASP] 781 00:42:50,609 --> 00:42:51,651 Oh, my God. 782 00:42:51,819 --> 00:42:56,364 Cam. Cam! Where'd he go? 783 00:42:57,116 --> 00:42:59,242 -He has ascended. -Cam! 784 00:42:59,410 --> 00:43:00,994 lt's a miracle. 785 00:43:03,914 --> 00:43:07,584 l gotta cool down. l gotta cool down. Oh. 786 00:43:07,751 --> 00:43:11,462 Oh, the venom's coursing through my veins. 787 00:43:12,631 --> 00:43:14,257 Suck the venom out. 788 00:43:14,466 --> 00:43:18,011 Oh! The venom's giving me an erection. 789 00:43:19,138 --> 00:43:22,473 l need-- l need roughage. l need roughage. 790 00:43:23,017 --> 00:43:24,851 [YELPS] 791 00:43:25,019 --> 00:43:26,894 [GRUNTlNG] 792 00:43:31,817 --> 00:43:33,318 [SCREECHES] 793 00:43:33,485 --> 00:43:35,486 [GROWLlNG] 794 00:43:38,657 --> 00:43:40,658 [CHUCKLlNG] 795 00:43:41,452 --> 00:43:42,493 Oh. 796 00:43:42,661 --> 00:43:47,457 Oh, l landed on Nazareth, and l would like to buy a manger. 797 00:43:47,625 --> 00:43:49,042 [MENDENHALLS SCREAMlNG] 798 00:43:50,127 --> 00:43:51,502 [ALL SCREAMlNG] 799 00:44:01,096 --> 00:44:05,600 Cam Brady, have you not wrought enough evil on this home?! 800 00:44:05,809 --> 00:44:07,226 [SCREAMlNG] 801 00:44:10,773 --> 00:44:12,315 Why?! 802 00:44:12,524 --> 00:44:14,192 [CAM MOANlNG] 803 00:44:14,360 --> 00:44:16,778 Don't worry, we're gonna get you home, get you a couple Advil. 804 00:44:16,945 --> 00:44:18,112 You'll be right as rain, okay? 805 00:44:18,280 --> 00:44:21,115 Now, a poll conducted this afternoon shows the congressman... 806 00:44:21,283 --> 00:44:24,077 ...getting a two-point bump from the incident. 807 00:44:24,244 --> 00:44:27,455 REPORTER: Why were you handling dangerous snakes without a professional present? 808 00:44:27,623 --> 00:44:28,665 For the poops. 809 00:44:28,832 --> 00:44:30,375 Mitzi, look at this. 810 00:44:30,542 --> 00:44:33,044 Cam Brady got a two-point bump out of a-- 811 00:44:33,212 --> 00:44:37,799 -l was watching that. -No, Marty. We have to talk. 812 00:44:37,966 --> 00:44:40,802 You're never home, and when you are, it's all politics. 813 00:44:40,969 --> 00:44:43,262 Gosh, l am so flustered. 814 00:44:43,430 --> 00:44:45,848 Everybody's got me running every which way but loose. 815 00:44:46,016 --> 00:44:50,019 l just wanna get back to the basics. l miss you. 816 00:44:51,021 --> 00:44:54,232 Let's just have one night like we used to. 817 00:44:54,400 --> 00:44:56,901 No Tim Wattley. 818 00:44:57,069 --> 00:44:58,945 Just the family. 819 00:44:59,113 --> 00:45:01,406 That sounds like a little slice of heaven. 820 00:45:09,581 --> 00:45:11,374 [LAUGHlNG] 821 00:45:18,382 --> 00:45:19,465 [MARTY SHRlEKS] 822 00:45:20,300 --> 00:45:22,301 [ALL LAUGHlNG] 823 00:45:27,641 --> 00:45:30,309 What the fuck is going on in here? 824 00:45:30,477 --> 00:45:34,272 You kids go upstairs, wash your filthy faces, and get to bed. 825 00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:35,481 Hurry up! 826 00:45:35,649 --> 00:45:37,817 Are you gonna let him talk to our children that way? 827 00:45:37,985 --> 00:45:40,945 -Let me handle this. -l know you're Marty's wife, but l swear... 828 00:45:41,113 --> 00:45:42,697 ...get out before l lose my shit. 829 00:45:42,865 --> 00:45:44,449 -Marty. -Now, Mr. Wattley. 830 00:45:44,616 --> 00:45:49,495 Marty, l need you kicking Cam's balls in on a daily basis. 831 00:45:49,663 --> 00:45:54,333 And l come here and find you playing Hee Haw with the fuck-around gang. 832 00:45:54,501 --> 00:45:58,629 -Oh, he's drunk. You're drunk. TlM: Yeah, l'm a little lit. So what? 833 00:45:58,797 --> 00:46:02,717 You have an opportunity to win this thing. 834 00:46:04,678 --> 00:46:06,137 Do you really think so? 835 00:46:06,305 --> 00:46:10,266 You promised me this dog could hunt. 836 00:46:12,436 --> 00:46:14,479 Can you do that? 837 00:46:15,314 --> 00:46:17,148 Yes, l can, Mr. Wattley. 838 00:46:19,902 --> 00:46:21,319 That's my boy. 839 00:46:22,613 --> 00:46:26,365 l think l'm gonna take the children and go stay at my mother's for the night. 840 00:46:26,533 --> 00:46:28,951 Mitzi, this will all be over as soon as l win, okay? 841 00:46:29,119 --> 00:46:30,286 l promise. 842 00:46:30,454 --> 00:46:35,708 Just remember, Marty, what you're giving up for what you're getting. 843 00:46:39,379 --> 00:46:41,339 [TlM CHUCKLES] 844 00:46:41,507 --> 00:46:43,090 TlM: Come here. 845 00:46:43,717 --> 00:46:44,759 [KNOCK ON DOOR] 846 00:46:44,927 --> 00:46:45,968 Yeah? 847 00:46:47,638 --> 00:46:50,389 -Hey, Dad. CAM: Hey, Camo, what's going on? 848 00:46:50,557 --> 00:46:53,893 Hey, uh, l just wanna let you know that l'm running for class president. 849 00:46:54,353 --> 00:46:57,772 Good for you. Come on in, have a seat. 850 00:46:57,940 --> 00:47:01,275 So, uh, what are the issues you're gonna run on? Figure that out yet? 851 00:47:01,443 --> 00:47:04,195 No, no, that's boring. Nobody really cares about that. 852 00:47:05,280 --> 00:47:06,823 But l did spread a rumor... 853 00:47:06,990 --> 00:47:10,576 ...that my opponent, Tommy Monahan, may or may not have a vagina. 854 00:47:11,620 --> 00:47:14,664 -That could work, yeah. -lt will work. 855 00:47:14,832 --> 00:47:18,084 Win at all costs, right, Dad? You taught me that. 856 00:47:18,252 --> 00:47:20,837 -Yeah, l guess l did. -Learned from the best. 857 00:47:21,004 --> 00:47:22,713 [CHUCKLES] 858 00:47:22,923 --> 00:47:24,715 [HEART'S "THESE DREAMS" PLAYlNG ON CAR STEREO] 859 00:47:24,883 --> 00:47:28,594 These dreams go on when l close my eyes 860 00:47:28,762 --> 00:47:30,388 Every sec-- 861 00:47:34,434 --> 00:47:36,769 Cam Brady. 862 00:47:36,937 --> 00:47:39,105 What are you doing here? lt's 1 1 :00 at night. 863 00:47:39,273 --> 00:47:42,525 l know. But, uh-- But we need to talk. 864 00:47:45,445 --> 00:47:47,238 Are you wearing a hidden camera? 865 00:47:49,199 --> 00:47:53,411 -Tam--? Do l know Tamara? -l said, are you wearing a hidden camera? 866 00:47:53,579 --> 00:47:56,289 Heh, heh. No. 867 00:47:57,207 --> 00:48:00,001 The black button looks like it has a lens in it. 868 00:48:00,836 --> 00:48:02,378 Cut. 869 00:48:04,506 --> 00:48:08,175 Look, l came over here tonight... 870 00:48:09,803 --> 00:48:12,513 ...and l just wanted you to know... 871 00:48:14,266 --> 00:48:16,976 ...that l just think things have gotten crazy. 872 00:48:18,186 --> 00:48:19,896 And... 873 00:48:21,273 --> 00:48:22,899 ...l want it to stop. 874 00:48:23,066 --> 00:48:25,651 -Cam, do you think l'm an idiot? -l do not. 875 00:48:25,819 --> 00:48:28,487 Okay, then take off that camera, please. 876 00:48:28,697 --> 00:48:33,200 l'm sorry, it's a habit of mine. l just-- l'm so used to wearing one of these things... 877 00:48:33,368 --> 00:48:36,871 ...because l'm afraid someone's taping me, so l tape them. 878 00:48:38,582 --> 00:48:40,207 Yeah, it's okay. 879 00:48:40,375 --> 00:48:42,835 -Where are my manners? Come on in. -Thank you. 880 00:48:44,046 --> 00:48:45,838 CAM: What is this we have here? 881 00:48:46,006 --> 00:48:50,968 lt's a small-batch bourbon. By-product of the prohibition days. 882 00:48:51,470 --> 00:48:55,306 Mm. Oh, wow. Thank you. That is smooth. 883 00:48:56,767 --> 00:48:58,726 -lt's good. -lt's good, yeah. 884 00:49:01,521 --> 00:49:04,565 -Ah. -Well.... 885 00:49:05,609 --> 00:49:07,151 [PANTlNG] 886 00:49:07,653 --> 00:49:10,738 -Are they okay? -What's that? 887 00:49:10,906 --> 00:49:12,239 Your Chinese dogs. 888 00:49:13,408 --> 00:49:17,244 Well, pugs were bred with, uh, short snouts... 889 00:49:17,454 --> 00:49:21,165 -Mm. -...so they could lock in and take down lions. 890 00:49:21,792 --> 00:49:24,335 l find that hard to believe. Heh. 891 00:49:24,544 --> 00:49:27,213 You can Google it. lt's worth a Google. 892 00:49:27,965 --> 00:49:33,177 Marty, l was thinking we could make this campaign a little more civil... 893 00:49:33,345 --> 00:49:36,847 ...if there were some way that you and l could become friends. 894 00:49:37,015 --> 00:49:39,016 Well, l appreciate you saying that, Cam. 895 00:49:39,184 --> 00:49:43,729 The meanness and the nastiness needs to stop. 896 00:49:44,356 --> 00:49:49,485 l mean, this race is for the people, isn't it? lt shouldn't be about us. 897 00:49:49,695 --> 00:49:51,362 [DOGS PANTlNG AND GRUNTlNG] 898 00:49:54,366 --> 00:49:56,784 Do your dogs ever go to a different room? 899 00:49:56,952 --> 00:49:59,954 -No, l like to have them nearby. -Oh. 900 00:50:00,998 --> 00:50:04,083 You know when l first got into politics? 901 00:50:04,835 --> 00:50:06,752 The fifth grade. Heh. 902 00:50:06,920 --> 00:50:10,089 Out on the playground, there was this jaggedy old jungle gym. 903 00:50:11,633 --> 00:50:15,261 Rusty, sharp edges. We used to call it Jim the Ripper. 904 00:50:15,429 --> 00:50:18,014 lt got me pretty good. 905 00:50:18,181 --> 00:50:21,392 Yeah, l remember that old jungle gym. 906 00:50:21,893 --> 00:50:23,561 Thank you. 907 00:50:24,312 --> 00:50:25,646 MARTY: You're welcome. 908 00:50:25,814 --> 00:50:31,235 Well, in the fifth grade, l ran for class president... 909 00:50:31,403 --> 00:50:32,862 ...under one promise: 910 00:50:33,030 --> 00:50:37,199 to take down the jaggedy jungle gym. 911 00:50:37,868 --> 00:50:39,201 [CHEERlNG] 912 00:50:39,369 --> 00:50:40,578 And l won. 913 00:50:40,746 --> 00:50:43,122 Well, that's a heartwarming story, Cam. 914 00:50:48,211 --> 00:50:49,253 CAM: Ah. 915 00:50:52,841 --> 00:50:54,675 Thank you. 916 00:50:54,843 --> 00:50:56,218 -Thanks. -Thank you. 917 00:50:56,386 --> 00:50:58,179 We are-- 918 00:50:58,346 --> 00:51:00,556 We are definitely going to Cancún. 919 00:51:01,850 --> 00:51:03,976 And you're not gonna pay for a thing. 920 00:51:04,144 --> 00:51:05,853 -Bye, Marty. -Heh. 921 00:51:06,021 --> 00:51:08,189 -Hey, Cam? -Yeah? 922 00:51:08,356 --> 00:51:11,150 -Are you okay? -Yeah, you too. 923 00:51:11,318 --> 00:51:12,443 Oh, man. Whew. 924 00:51:12,611 --> 00:51:14,153 [HEART'S "THESE DREAMS" RESUMES PLAYlNG] 925 00:51:14,321 --> 00:51:16,864 [ENGlNE REVS AND TlRES SCREECH] 926 00:51:18,909 --> 00:51:21,035 You know what to do, Marty. 927 00:51:25,916 --> 00:51:27,249 WOMAN [OVER PHONE]: Hammond Police. 928 00:51:27,417 --> 00:51:30,461 Yes, l'd like to report a drunk driver, please. 929 00:51:30,629 --> 00:51:35,966 [SlNGlNG TO HEART'S "BARRACUDA"] He's going to D-D.C. to be VP 930 00:51:36,176 --> 00:51:37,218 Whoo! 931 00:51:37,385 --> 00:51:38,886 Barracuda 932 00:51:39,054 --> 00:51:41,555 [SlREN WAlLlNG] [CAM LAUGHlNG] 933 00:51:41,723 --> 00:51:45,059 Oh, fuck. Fuck me. 934 00:51:45,268 --> 00:51:47,436 [CHATTERlNG OVER POLlCE RADlO] 935 00:51:53,193 --> 00:51:56,320 -ln God we must. OFFlCER: Sir, please get out of the vehicle. 936 00:51:56,488 --> 00:51:58,280 You have a great night. 937 00:51:58,448 --> 00:51:59,782 -Sir? -Huh? 938 00:51:59,950 --> 00:52:02,952 -Please get out of the vehicle. -Get out of the-- You know what? Absolutely. 939 00:52:03,120 --> 00:52:06,330 And thank you for doing your job. l appreciate it. 940 00:52:06,498 --> 00:52:10,668 Also, thank you for releasing me upon my own recognizance. 941 00:52:14,714 --> 00:52:16,048 Sir, have you been drinking? 942 00:52:16,216 --> 00:52:19,051 Yes, l have. l've had five or six small-batch bourbons. 943 00:52:19,219 --> 00:52:21,887 That's a lot. l'm gonna have to ask you to take a Breathalyzer test. 944 00:52:22,055 --> 00:52:23,180 CAM: Mm-hm. 945 00:52:23,348 --> 00:52:26,684 We got a runner. Stop running! 946 00:52:27,727 --> 00:52:29,645 [CAM YELLS] [THUDDlNG] 947 00:52:29,813 --> 00:52:33,732 CAM: Try to catch me, Ranger Rick. -Stop! 948 00:52:34,901 --> 00:52:38,154 CAM: Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah. 949 00:52:38,321 --> 00:52:39,446 Oh, whoo! 950 00:52:39,614 --> 00:52:41,532 -Chase. -Stop the vehicle! Stop the vehicle! 951 00:52:41,700 --> 00:52:44,201 CAM: Look what l'm doing. l handled this perfectly. 952 00:52:44,369 --> 00:52:45,411 [SlREN WAlLlNG] 953 00:52:45,579 --> 00:52:48,956 CAM: This car's so powerful. Oh, yeah. 954 00:52:49,124 --> 00:52:51,041 WOMAN [OVER RADlO]: What's your present location? 955 00:52:51,209 --> 00:52:55,421 CAM: Oh, wait, this is not my car. Oh, man. This is not my car. 956 00:52:55,589 --> 00:52:58,215 l don't have a gun in my car. 957 00:52:58,383 --> 00:52:59,466 [CAM GRUNTS] 958 00:52:59,634 --> 00:53:03,512 Take the car back. Okay, play it cool. Play it cool. 959 00:53:03,680 --> 00:53:07,975 He's not gonna notice. Uh-uh. He's not gonna notice. 960 00:53:08,143 --> 00:53:11,478 Control my breathing. l gotta control my breathing. 961 00:53:11,646 --> 00:53:13,898 Oh, no. Easy, slow. 962 00:53:14,065 --> 00:53:17,401 OFFlCER: Stop the vehicle now! -Officer, are you in need of assistance? 963 00:53:17,569 --> 00:53:19,111 -l'm back up. -Stop the vehicle. 964 00:53:19,279 --> 00:53:21,322 CAM: l'm back up. l-- -Stop the vehicle now. 965 00:53:21,489 --> 00:53:22,531 CAM: l see you. 966 00:53:22,699 --> 00:53:24,325 OFFlCER: Stop the vehicle. -No, l see you. 967 00:53:24,492 --> 00:53:27,411 OFFlCER: Get out of the vehicle. -Hey, here's the good news. l came back. 968 00:53:27,579 --> 00:53:30,706 Let's just talk about this. Oof. Hey. 969 00:53:33,168 --> 00:53:35,044 -He fucking set me up, Mitch. MlTCH: l know it. 970 00:53:35,212 --> 00:53:39,340 l mean, l showed one moment of weakness, and then he struck like a cobra. 971 00:53:39,507 --> 00:53:43,594 MlTCH: Absolutely. Hey, guys. How you doing? -You were charged with drunk driving. 972 00:53:43,762 --> 00:53:45,387 ls it true you blew a 1 .4? 973 00:53:45,555 --> 00:53:48,224 Let's also remember that a responsible number of drinks... 974 00:53:48,391 --> 00:53:50,392 ...makes your body looser in car accidents. 975 00:53:50,560 --> 00:53:54,104 -You actually suffer less injuries. -Are you advocating drinking and driving? 976 00:53:54,272 --> 00:53:57,524 Thank you for your help. You guys do real good work. God bless you. 977 00:53:57,692 --> 00:53:58,734 [GROANS] 978 00:53:58,902 --> 00:54:01,028 -Goodness gracious. CAM: Oh, God. 979 00:54:01,196 --> 00:54:03,864 -l swear to God, l wanna run these people over. MlTCH: l don't blame you. 980 00:54:04,032 --> 00:54:05,241 [BEEPlNG] 981 00:54:05,408 --> 00:54:06,575 [ALARM BLARlNG] 982 00:54:06,743 --> 00:54:09,453 CAM: Damn it. l am still way too drunk. 983 00:54:09,996 --> 00:54:12,039 CAM: We need to double up our fundraising efforts. 984 00:54:12,207 --> 00:54:15,668 -lf there's money out there, we get it. -Right. That's what we're gonna do. 985 00:54:15,835 --> 00:54:18,170 Did you hear about this corporation that came in... 986 00:54:18,338 --> 00:54:21,632 ...and bought 50 foreclosed homes in this district? What are you doing? 987 00:54:21,800 --> 00:54:25,010 All right. Anyway, they also bought off a few closed-up factories. 988 00:54:25,178 --> 00:54:28,764 -You know anything about that? -No, l've been trying to win an election. 989 00:54:28,932 --> 00:54:30,516 Hey, guys, l heard what happened. 990 00:54:30,684 --> 00:54:33,852 Listen, l wanna tell you, we had nothing to do with that DUl. 991 00:54:34,020 --> 00:54:37,356 We don't run a negative campaign. Need a ride? 992 00:54:37,565 --> 00:54:39,942 [BOTH CHUCKLlNG] 993 00:54:40,110 --> 00:54:44,238 -Come on. We're not gonna fall for that. -Come on. 994 00:54:44,406 --> 00:54:47,992 -Jump in. -Why would you offer us a ride? 995 00:54:48,159 --> 00:54:51,412 l'm trying to make it up to you. l'm not who you think l am. 996 00:54:51,579 --> 00:54:54,873 -Get in the car and l'll give you a ride. -Are you sure? 997 00:54:55,041 --> 00:55:00,754 l swear. l swear on my mother's grave. Okay? lsn't that enough? Come on. 998 00:55:00,922 --> 00:55:04,758 -We're gonna fit in that tiny little thing? CAM: Are you gonna make us pay for the gas? 999 00:55:04,926 --> 00:55:07,886 You know what? My treat. 1000 00:55:09,639 --> 00:55:10,681 -Okay. -All right. 1001 00:55:10,849 --> 00:55:12,224 -Okay. -Thank you. 1002 00:55:12,392 --> 00:55:13,809 -This is very nice. -Wonderful. 1003 00:55:13,977 --> 00:55:17,313 The man's not gonna swear on his mother's grave and then drive off-- 1004 00:55:19,482 --> 00:55:20,899 [HORN HONKS] 1005 00:55:21,067 --> 00:55:23,652 TlM: My mother's still alive! 1006 00:55:23,820 --> 00:55:26,905 -What did he say? -He said, "My mother is still alive." 1007 00:55:27,073 --> 00:55:28,741 -Oh, that's how you beat that. -Yeah. 1008 00:55:28,908 --> 00:55:30,576 That's exactly how you beat it. 1009 00:55:40,962 --> 00:55:42,129 l'm an American. 1010 00:55:42,297 --> 00:55:43,547 [AUDlENCE CHEERS] 1011 00:55:43,715 --> 00:55:47,593 And l believe in American ingenuity and hard work. 1012 00:55:47,761 --> 00:55:49,553 Unlike my friend here, Cam Brady... 1013 00:55:49,721 --> 00:55:52,389 ...who believes that everyone should live in Rainbow Land. 1014 00:55:52,557 --> 00:55:53,932 [AUDlENCE BOOS] 1015 00:55:54,100 --> 00:55:57,603 Douglas, l'd like to say one thing. l'm an American too. 1016 00:55:57,771 --> 00:56:02,358 And l have no idea what he's referring to as Rainbow Land, okay? 1017 00:56:02,525 --> 00:56:05,778 l'm referring to a 1 3-page doctrine... 1018 00:56:05,945 --> 00:56:08,906 ...written by Camden Brady... 1019 00:56:09,074 --> 00:56:10,657 ...called Rainbow Land. 1020 00:56:10,825 --> 00:56:13,285 That's something l wrote in the second grade. 1021 00:56:13,995 --> 00:56:17,373 l think anybody that writes about the redistribution of wealth... 1022 00:56:17,540 --> 00:56:20,292 ...sounds like a communist to me. 1023 00:56:20,835 --> 00:56:22,503 -Am l right? -Hold on. 1024 00:56:22,670 --> 00:56:27,800 lt is the simple story of a teddy bear giving a pot of gold to a leprechaun, okay? 1025 00:56:27,967 --> 00:56:31,178 -That's right. -May l read from Page 7? 1026 00:56:31,346 --> 00:56:32,805 WOMAN 1 : Don't listen to him, Cam. 1027 00:56:32,972 --> 00:56:35,849 "Please come with me to Rainbow Land... 1028 00:56:36,017 --> 00:56:39,770 ...where unicorns are made of fudge and cotton candy... 1029 00:56:39,938 --> 00:56:41,688 ...and everything is free." 1030 00:56:41,856 --> 00:56:45,275 lt's a fictitious place. Rainbow Land, it's fiction. 1031 00:56:45,443 --> 00:56:48,112 l guess we're all idiots according to Cam Brady. 1032 00:56:48,279 --> 00:56:52,324 -l didn't say that. l did not say that. MAN 1 : Hey! Hey! 1033 00:56:52,492 --> 00:56:55,285 l do not want to live in Rainbow Land... 1034 00:56:55,453 --> 00:56:58,831 ...and you can't make me live in Rainbow Land. 1035 00:56:58,998 --> 00:57:01,041 MAN 2: Yeah. -This is America. 1036 00:57:01,209 --> 00:57:03,252 You do not have to live in Rainbow Land. 1037 00:57:03,420 --> 00:57:06,004 -You can go to Rainbow Land. -lt does not exist. 1038 00:57:06,172 --> 00:57:09,466 lt's a fictitious place. l was 8. lt's from a child's imagination. 1039 00:57:09,634 --> 00:57:12,553 -lt's right here in his communist manifesto. WOMAN 2: Oh, come on. 1040 00:57:12,720 --> 00:57:15,722 -l won't go to Rainbow Land. MAN 3: Sit down. 1041 00:57:15,890 --> 00:57:20,060 l said, sit the fuck down. lt doesn't exist. 1042 00:57:20,228 --> 00:57:22,646 Go back to where you're from, dick. 1043 00:57:22,814 --> 00:57:24,731 lt's not a real place! 1044 00:57:24,899 --> 00:57:28,110 How many times do l gotta say it? lt's not real! 1045 00:57:29,195 --> 00:57:30,904 -What is he pointing at? -Don't worry. 1046 00:57:31,072 --> 00:57:32,823 -ls he pointing at me? -He sure the fuck is. 1047 00:57:32,991 --> 00:57:35,784 MARTY: Cam, you're a communist. -He's talking shit about me again? 1048 00:57:35,952 --> 00:57:37,619 -You pointing at me? -What? 1049 00:57:37,787 --> 00:57:39,621 -You pointing at me? You talking to me? -Huh? 1050 00:57:39,789 --> 00:57:42,124 -Fucking dickhead! -What are you doing? Cam, no. 1051 00:57:42,292 --> 00:57:44,168 CAM: What did you--? MlTCH: No. No! 1052 00:57:48,298 --> 00:57:49,590 No, no, no! 1053 00:57:52,385 --> 00:57:55,554 Your nickname in school was Tickle Shits. l'm gonna see if it's true. 1054 00:57:55,722 --> 00:57:57,347 Don't you shit your pants, Marty. 1055 00:57:57,515 --> 00:57:58,932 -Don't! Ha, ha! TlM: Go for his hair. 1056 00:57:59,100 --> 00:58:01,727 -You do not touch the hair. -Don't you touch my hair. 1057 00:58:01,895 --> 00:58:04,354 -lt's a $900 haircut. MlTCH: Don't talk about that, Cam. 1058 00:58:04,522 --> 00:58:06,607 l'm gonna kill you. 1059 00:58:16,451 --> 00:58:20,496 Remember the politician that punched a baby? Well, he's at it again. 1060 00:58:20,663 --> 00:58:24,082 He punched Uggie, the dog from the Academy Award-winning film The Artist. 1061 00:58:24,250 --> 00:58:27,002 Marty Huggins is solidly ahead. 1062 00:58:27,170 --> 00:58:30,964 Rainbow Land is now number six on Amazon.com. 1063 00:58:32,133 --> 00:58:34,134 CAM: Can't believe you landed a national interview. 1064 00:58:34,302 --> 00:58:36,845 MlTCH: Mm-hm. -This could really swing the campaign. 1065 00:58:37,013 --> 00:58:39,973 Yeah, that's the idea. Let's get this bad boy. Let's wrap it up. 1066 00:58:40,141 --> 00:58:42,768 -How's the hair? -Strong. 1067 00:58:42,936 --> 00:58:44,645 CAM: Yeah. -So fucking strong. 1068 00:58:44,812 --> 00:58:48,857 My hair could lift a car off a baby if it had to. 1069 00:58:49,025 --> 00:58:51,485 -Absolutely. -lt'd do it on its way to church. 1070 00:58:51,653 --> 00:58:54,446 -Okay. Ready to do it? Let's do it. -Ready. Let's go. 1071 00:58:55,448 --> 00:58:57,991 Good evening. Welcome to Piers Morgan Tonight. 1072 00:58:58,159 --> 00:58:59,993 We start tonight from North Carolina... 1073 00:59:00,161 --> 00:59:03,455 ...with one of the nation's ugliest and most polarizing campaigns ever. 1074 00:59:03,623 --> 00:59:06,208 -Our guest is Congressman Cam Brady. -Thank you, Piers. 1075 00:59:06,376 --> 00:59:11,547 lt is an honor to be on your show. My wife, Rose, and l watch you every night. 1076 00:59:11,714 --> 00:59:13,882 MORGAN [ON TV]: That's very kind of you, congressman. 1077 00:59:14,050 --> 00:59:16,969 lt's well known the Motch brothers are backing Marty Huggins... 1078 00:59:17,136 --> 00:59:19,054 ...your opponent, with millions of dollars. 1079 00:59:19,222 --> 00:59:21,682 ls this election being bought by the highest bidder? 1080 00:59:21,849 --> 00:59:26,812 Piers, this election is about the freedom of choice, simple as that. 1081 00:59:26,980 --> 00:59:30,566 Americans standing up for their freedom and their right to choose... 1082 00:59:30,733 --> 00:59:36,613 ...whether it be in the great outdoors or with four black friends at a jazz club. 1083 00:59:36,781 --> 00:59:42,327 Congressman, are you taking money to promote Menthol 1 00s or not? 1084 00:59:42,495 --> 00:59:46,623 -Uh, come again? Did you say Menthol 1 00s? -l'm not saying the brand of cigarettes again. 1085 00:59:46,791 --> 00:59:49,751 Are you taking money from big tobacco companies? 1086 00:59:49,919 --> 00:59:52,254 No, no, no, l'm not. 1087 00:59:52,589 --> 00:59:55,591 l just honestly enjoy their cool, fresh taste. 1088 00:59:55,758 --> 00:59:58,302 And the freshness that Menthol 1 00s-- 1089 00:59:58,469 --> 00:59:59,553 -Easy. MlTCH: Hey, come on. 1090 00:59:59,721 --> 01:00:02,556 -Congressman, let's get back on topic, please. -l'd love to. 1091 01:00:02,724 --> 01:00:05,017 And what was that topic we were talking about? 1092 01:00:05,184 --> 01:00:07,477 Did it happen to be Coke Zero? 1093 01:00:07,645 --> 01:00:09,646 No, it was not Coke Zero. 1094 01:00:09,814 --> 01:00:14,359 Look, l'd like to say one thing: Marty Huggins for Congress in '012. 1095 01:00:14,527 --> 01:00:16,153 lt's a mess. 1096 01:00:16,321 --> 01:00:19,114 You're taking money from Marty Huggins' campaign? 1097 01:00:19,282 --> 01:00:23,410 -To do a plug on my show? -Yes. l did take money from Marty Huggins. 1098 01:00:23,578 --> 01:00:26,538 But you can rest assured that every dime... 1099 01:00:26,706 --> 01:00:31,043 ...every single dime, will be used to defeat Marty Huggins. 1100 01:00:31,210 --> 01:00:33,170 lt's a mess. 1101 01:00:33,338 --> 01:00:34,379 Let's change topics. 1102 01:00:34,547 --> 01:00:37,341 Let's get to the toll this race has had on your marriage. 1103 01:00:37,508 --> 01:00:38,675 Oh, there's been no toll. 1104 01:00:38,843 --> 01:00:42,262 l don't know why you would bring that up. l find that laughable. Ha, ha. 1105 01:00:42,430 --> 01:00:45,682 No, our campaign is just so steady right now. 1106 01:00:45,850 --> 01:00:50,604 We are really hitting our stride, and my lovely wife is a rock. 1107 01:00:50,772 --> 01:00:53,940 Really? Well, as a special guest from an undisclosed location... 1108 01:00:54,108 --> 01:00:56,026 ...let's introduce you to your wife. 1109 01:00:56,194 --> 01:00:57,611 -Hello, Piers. -Oh. 1110 01:00:57,779 --> 01:00:59,488 [CAM CHUCKLES] 1111 01:00:59,656 --> 01:01:02,741 -Honey, what are you doing in the kitchen? -l'm doing an interview. 1112 01:01:02,909 --> 01:01:05,369 -She's here in the house. -Yes. 1113 01:01:05,536 --> 01:01:08,246 She's-- Come on up here. 1114 01:01:08,414 --> 01:01:11,792 Mrs. Brady, you've gone through this election process four times now. 1115 01:01:11,959 --> 01:01:15,629 -How has this race been different for you? -Oh, it's just been terrible. 1116 01:01:15,797 --> 01:01:18,382 For one, Cam has just completely let his body go. 1117 01:01:18,549 --> 01:01:22,260 lt's just a whole mess of fat and weirdly placed hair. 1118 01:01:22,428 --> 01:01:25,055 It's like somebody dropped a glazed ham in a barber shop. 1119 01:01:25,223 --> 01:01:27,974 -Okay, that-- That's ridiculous. -Oh, come on. Come on. 1120 01:01:28,142 --> 01:01:31,103 Do you think Cam is emotionally stable enough to be in office? 1121 01:01:31,270 --> 01:01:32,938 -l'm trying. -Oh, God, no. 1122 01:01:33,106 --> 01:01:35,524 -You can read all about it in my new book. -Aw, what? 1123 01:01:35,692 --> 01:01:38,985 l've sold the movie rights. We're in talks with Kate Hudson to play me. 1124 01:01:39,153 --> 01:01:40,195 MlTCH: No. -No. 1125 01:01:40,363 --> 01:01:43,073 Cam will be played by Yaphet Kotto, who you may remember... 1126 01:01:43,241 --> 01:01:46,535 -...from Homicide: Life on the Streets. CAM: Okay, that's uncalled for. 1127 01:01:46,703 --> 01:01:50,247 MlTCH: Holy smokes. Done. You had your fun. -This is over. Damn. You had your fun. 1128 01:01:50,415 --> 01:01:52,916 You happy, New York? You had your fun. Shut it down. 1129 01:01:53,459 --> 01:01:56,628 Why would you do this? You just killed the campaign. 1130 01:01:56,796 --> 01:01:59,297 You're five points down. You can't win this. 1131 01:01:59,465 --> 01:02:01,883 l told you, l don't truck with losers. 1132 01:02:02,051 --> 01:02:04,970 Plus, l got offered a lobbying job in D.C. for Motch brothers. 1133 01:02:05,138 --> 01:02:06,304 -The Motch brothers? -Yup. 1134 01:02:06,472 --> 01:02:08,849 You know what they're trying to do. Get you to leave me. 1135 01:02:09,016 --> 01:02:10,809 ROSE: You got your baton, baby? JESSlCA: Yeah. 1136 01:02:10,977 --> 01:02:12,936 Come on, baby, we're a team. You're my rock. 1137 01:02:13,104 --> 01:02:15,272 [THREE 6 MAFlA'S "AZZ & TlTTlEZ" PLAYlNG ON CAR STEREO] 1138 01:02:15,440 --> 01:02:16,773 You're dragging me down, baby. 1139 01:02:16,941 --> 01:02:19,609 What if my poll numbers go up? Will you come back? 1140 01:02:20,570 --> 01:02:23,530 l hate to do this to you, buddy, but we got bigger problems. 1141 01:02:25,158 --> 01:02:27,492 l think you need to see this. 1142 01:02:27,660 --> 01:02:31,496 NARRATOR [ON TV]: Congressman Cam Brady claims to be a family man. 1143 01:02:31,664 --> 01:02:33,248 What a nice day we've had. 1144 01:02:33,416 --> 01:02:35,709 -Cam Jr.? -Mm-hm. 1145 01:02:35,877 --> 01:02:39,212 -The batting cages, the water park. MlTCH: Must be a hidden-camera situation. 1146 01:02:39,380 --> 01:02:41,757 MARTY: You were doing cannonballs. You were good at those. 1147 01:02:41,924 --> 01:02:44,468 CAM JR.: Yeah. -Seeing any girls yet? 1148 01:02:44,635 --> 01:02:46,511 -What is he doing? CAM JR.: Sort of. 1149 01:02:46,679 --> 01:02:50,098 Must be tough having your dad not be around that much, you know? 1150 01:02:50,266 --> 01:02:52,809 What is he talking about? l'm around too much. 1151 01:02:52,977 --> 01:02:54,186 I could be your dad. 1152 01:02:56,105 --> 01:02:59,191 -You can call me "Dad." -No. 1153 01:02:59,358 --> 01:03:02,068 MARTY: Go ahead, try. -No, don't do it. 1154 01:03:02,236 --> 01:03:04,154 -No, l'm your daddy. MARTY: Go ahead. 1155 01:03:07,992 --> 01:03:09,868 -Dad. -Oh, shit. 1156 01:03:10,036 --> 01:03:12,204 MARTY: There you go. That wasn't bad. 1157 01:03:13,539 --> 01:03:17,918 I'm Marty Huggins, and l regretfully approve this message. 1158 01:03:19,170 --> 01:03:20,378 Love you, Cam Jr. 1159 01:03:20,546 --> 01:03:25,258 NARRATOR: Marty Huggins, the father Cam Brady will never be. 1160 01:03:26,427 --> 01:03:29,679 MlTCH: Just take it easy. All right? Just take a deep breath. 1161 01:03:29,847 --> 01:03:32,808 Now, we ought to think about how we gonna get back, okay? 1162 01:03:32,975 --> 01:03:35,727 But we can't let emotion cloud our judgment, okay? 1163 01:03:35,895 --> 01:03:38,980 We gotta think logically here. Now, what do you wanna do? 1164 01:03:39,148 --> 01:03:40,816 l'm gonna fuck his wife. 1165 01:03:40,983 --> 01:03:43,985 Great. No. No, you can't do that. No, no, no. 1166 01:03:44,153 --> 01:03:47,405 l'm gonna fuck his wife, and l'm gonna go put it on television. 1167 01:03:47,573 --> 01:03:49,407 No. Okay, you definitely can't do that. 1168 01:03:49,575 --> 01:03:52,661 First part, maybe, but the second part, definitely not. 1169 01:03:52,829 --> 01:03:53,995 -Oh, yeah? -Yeah. 1170 01:03:54,163 --> 01:03:58,875 You get my son to call you "Daddy," l fuck your wife. 1171 01:03:59,043 --> 01:04:01,002 -That's the deal? -That is the deal. 1172 01:04:01,170 --> 01:04:02,337 What are you pointing at? 1173 01:04:02,505 --> 01:04:06,007 -Got a book of bad ideas? -l got a book of good ideas. That's the first one. 1174 01:04:06,175 --> 01:04:09,135 Get my son to call you "Daddy"... 1175 01:04:09,637 --> 01:04:12,264 ...turn the page, it says, "Fuck your wife." 1176 01:04:12,431 --> 01:04:14,516 Okay, let's talk about this. 1177 01:04:14,725 --> 01:04:16,810 [AUDlENCE CHEERlNG ON TV] 1178 01:04:16,978 --> 01:04:19,312 Welcome back, everybody, to The Price ls Right. 1179 01:04:19,480 --> 01:04:20,730 George Gray, who's next, please? 1180 01:04:20,898 --> 01:04:22,232 [KNOCK ON DOOR] 1181 01:04:22,400 --> 01:04:24,150 Coming. 1182 01:04:28,573 --> 01:04:30,115 Congressman Brady. 1183 01:04:30,283 --> 01:04:33,368 Marty's down at the tourism office, so.... 1184 01:04:33,536 --> 01:04:35,954 l really like your hair. 1185 01:04:36,122 --> 01:04:37,706 lt's very Katie Couric. 1186 01:04:38,583 --> 01:04:40,333 Thank you. 1187 01:04:41,878 --> 01:04:43,795 May l come in and use your phone? 1188 01:04:46,299 --> 01:04:47,340 [PLAYlNG MELLOW JAZZ MUSlC] 1189 01:04:47,508 --> 01:04:53,889 Cal Tjader. Best known for starting the samba-salsa jazz craze. 1190 01:04:54,056 --> 01:05:00,103 Yet sadly, was not recognized for a Grammy for over 40 years. 1191 01:05:03,357 --> 01:05:07,235 l find it tragic when someone isn't recognized for perfection. 1192 01:05:07,653 --> 01:05:10,280 That's very interesting. 1193 01:05:10,448 --> 01:05:12,407 Tell me something about you. 1194 01:05:13,451 --> 01:05:16,202 Oh, uh, well, l love owls. 1195 01:05:16,370 --> 01:05:18,538 l collect them, you know. Not real ones, of course. 1196 01:05:18,706 --> 01:05:20,582 But l got some porcelain or maybe china ones. 1197 01:05:20,750 --> 01:05:21,791 [DOGS PANTlNG AND GROWLlNG] 1198 01:05:21,959 --> 01:05:25,921 There's some pretty grumpy ones too that kind of have those big eyebrows, like-- 1199 01:05:26,088 --> 01:05:28,381 Oh, God, l know exactly what you're talking about. 1200 01:05:28,549 --> 01:05:30,759 -l'm gonna let these little fellas out. -Oh. 1201 01:05:30,927 --> 01:05:33,720 Come on, little buddies. Come on. 1202 01:05:37,808 --> 01:05:39,476 Get out, you little fuckers. 1203 01:05:41,062 --> 01:05:43,313 They are tiny little munchkin butts, aren't they? 1204 01:05:43,481 --> 01:05:46,149 They're Marty's dogs. They don't listen to me. 1205 01:05:46,692 --> 01:05:49,903 Well, l don't understand that, because l find you fascinating. 1206 01:05:50,071 --> 01:05:51,529 Oh, thank you. 1207 01:05:52,198 --> 01:05:54,950 Mitzi, l'm gonna cut to the chase. 1208 01:05:56,535 --> 01:05:58,787 l've had feelings for you. 1209 01:06:01,707 --> 01:06:05,126 -Are we doing what l think we're doing? -l don't know. 1210 01:06:05,294 --> 01:06:09,589 l tell you right now, my heart is beating like a phone book in a dryer... 1211 01:06:09,757 --> 01:06:13,885 ...and l'm so afraid of what's about to happen. 1212 01:06:14,053 --> 01:06:16,304 What's about to happen? 1213 01:06:17,181 --> 01:06:18,640 This. 1214 01:06:25,856 --> 01:06:30,694 Ooh. 1215 01:06:30,861 --> 01:06:32,779 -Ooh! -Oh. 1216 01:06:32,947 --> 01:06:37,367 l want you to put my head in the freezer while you do me from behind. 1217 01:06:37,535 --> 01:06:41,621 -Hold on, hold on. lsn't the freezer too high? -l'll get a stool! 1218 01:06:42,081 --> 01:06:45,500 CAM: Easy. Easy, Mitzi. Easy. 1219 01:06:45,668 --> 01:06:48,795 NARRATOR [ON TV]: The following commercial is rated TV-MA for mature audiences. 1220 01:06:48,963 --> 01:06:51,881 CAM [ON TV]: Marty Huggins can't even take care of his own wife, so l did. 1221 01:06:52,049 --> 01:06:54,259 MlTZl [ON TV]: Whoo! CAM: That night, Marty's wife voted. 1222 01:06:54,427 --> 01:06:57,971 -Multiple times. MlTZl: Good work. Attaboy. Whoo! 1223 01:06:58,180 --> 01:06:59,931 Whoo! Whoo! 1224 01:07:00,099 --> 01:07:02,517 CAM: Getting juicy in here. MlTZl: Whoo! 1225 01:07:03,561 --> 01:07:04,853 CAM: Come on, this isn't a game. 1226 01:07:05,021 --> 01:07:09,274 l'm Cam Brady, and l seductively approve this message. 1227 01:07:09,942 --> 01:07:15,321 -Boom. There it is. Let's get this out ASAP. -Cam, you can't do that. 1228 01:07:15,489 --> 01:07:18,658 -Why? Because it wasn't your idea? -No. No, because it's porn. 1229 01:07:18,826 --> 01:07:20,910 -l didn't sign up for this. -Oh, really? 1230 01:07:21,078 --> 01:07:22,954 What did you sign up for, Mitch? 1231 01:07:23,122 --> 01:07:26,291 The Big Fat Pussy Who's Too Afraid to Do What lt Takes to Win Club? 1232 01:07:26,459 --> 01:07:28,585 You gotta calm down. You're going crazy on me. 1233 01:07:28,753 --> 01:07:31,921 -l'm crazy because l refuse to lose? -l think so. 1234 01:07:32,089 --> 01:07:34,132 Goddamn it, Mitch! Goddamn it! 1235 01:07:34,300 --> 01:07:37,010 My feet are taped to the bicycle on this one! 1236 01:07:37,178 --> 01:07:39,763 l will do anything it takes to win. 1237 01:07:39,972 --> 01:07:42,223 -Hey, hey. -Even if it means lying! 1238 01:07:42,391 --> 01:07:45,894 -Or physically hurting someone! MlTCH: Easy, easy, easy. Put that down. 1239 01:07:46,062 --> 01:07:49,606 Or branding myself with a coat hanger in the shape of a V for "victory." 1240 01:07:49,774 --> 01:07:51,483 l get it. Okay, l'm sorry, everybody. 1241 01:07:51,650 --> 01:07:54,194 Even if it means listening to Metallica in a sauna... 1242 01:07:54,361 --> 01:07:55,779 He's a little stressed out. 1243 01:07:55,946 --> 01:07:58,615 ...while l do push-ups with a naked Shana on my back. 1244 01:07:58,783 --> 01:08:00,283 MlTCH: Come on, man. -ls that crazy? 1245 01:08:00,451 --> 01:08:02,160 -l think so. -Do l seem crazy? 1246 01:08:02,328 --> 01:08:04,496 -Or are you the crazy one? -You gotta stop it. 1247 01:08:04,663 --> 01:08:07,040 [SHOUTlNG GlBBERlSH] 1248 01:08:07,208 --> 01:08:08,958 Okay, sit down. 1249 01:08:09,960 --> 01:08:13,797 Sit the fuck down right now. Okay. Breathe. Just breathe, okay? 1250 01:08:15,091 --> 01:08:18,384 Now, what is going on with you? This is getting out of hand. 1251 01:08:18,552 --> 01:08:21,721 Okay, look. Here's the deal, Mitch. 1252 01:08:21,889 --> 01:08:25,100 -l did get a little crazy there. -Yes, you did. 1253 01:08:25,267 --> 01:08:28,686 But l gotta tell you, this is what it's gonna take to win. 1254 01:08:31,774 --> 01:08:36,402 Cam, l've been here for eight years with you, by your side. 1255 01:08:36,570 --> 01:08:38,571 And we've done some great things. 1256 01:08:38,739 --> 01:08:41,449 But l don't know what the hell's gotten into you. 1257 01:08:41,617 --> 01:08:43,076 What? 1258 01:08:43,244 --> 01:08:47,288 And to be honest with you, l'm pretty goddamn disappointed. 1259 01:08:47,456 --> 01:08:49,165 l'm sorry. 1260 01:08:50,251 --> 01:08:51,751 Okay, well, get out of here. Go. 1261 01:08:51,919 --> 01:08:53,920 -Anyone can do your job. -Hey. 1262 01:08:54,088 --> 01:08:55,505 Anyone. 1263 01:08:59,385 --> 01:09:02,679 -You. What's your name? -Uh, Jason, sir. 1264 01:09:02,847 --> 01:09:07,058 l just started here. l'm an intern. But l'm a poli sci major in college. 1265 01:09:07,226 --> 01:09:10,228 Okay, well, guess what, Jason. You're running my campaign. 1266 01:09:10,396 --> 01:09:12,897 JASON: Are you serious? -Congratulations to Jason, everyone. 1267 01:09:13,065 --> 01:09:15,400 -Nice round of applause. -l got so many good ideas. 1268 01:09:15,568 --> 01:09:18,570 Did you know that our government, we actually give tax breaks to companies... 1269 01:09:18,737 --> 01:09:22,198 ...that outsource jobs to other countries? That's awful. 1270 01:09:22,366 --> 01:09:25,451 We've already lost 7 million jobs since NAFTA, right? 1271 01:09:25,619 --> 01:09:29,539 You get the fuck out of here. You get the fuck out of here. 1272 01:09:29,748 --> 01:09:33,877 l don't wanna hear that bullshit. Hey, what did you major in in college? 1273 01:09:34,044 --> 01:09:36,004 -You! -Uh, sports marketing. 1274 01:09:36,172 --> 01:09:40,466 Okay. You're running my campaign. Take this down to the TV station. 1275 01:09:40,634 --> 01:09:43,720 Go. Right now. Tell them to run it. Let's go, people. 1276 01:09:43,888 --> 01:09:48,558 Let's win this thing for America. Right? 1277 01:09:48,893 --> 01:09:52,312 lt's the first combination political commercial and sex tape... 1278 01:09:52,479 --> 01:09:55,732 ...and it's got over 65 million hits on YouTube. 1279 01:09:55,900 --> 01:09:58,193 Cam Brady was supposed to be on my show tonight... 1280 01:09:58,360 --> 01:09:59,861 ...but he's had to cancel again. 1281 01:10:00,029 --> 01:10:02,405 He's apparently dealing with a sex tape. 1282 01:10:02,573 --> 01:10:05,742 He's gotta withdraw his name from the ballot at the very least, wouldn't you say? 1283 01:10:05,910 --> 01:10:08,453 -Uh, a slight bump, actually. -What? 1284 01:10:09,955 --> 01:10:11,623 MARTY: And there's Muffins and Poundcake... 1285 01:10:13,417 --> 01:10:15,585 ...in a parking lot of an airport Denny's... 1286 01:10:16,212 --> 01:10:18,922 ...thirsty, alone and tired. 1287 01:10:19,089 --> 01:10:24,636 And then l find a wife who's forced me to wear the horns of a cuckold. 1288 01:10:24,803 --> 01:10:29,015 Look, Marty, l definitely did wrong. 1289 01:10:29,183 --> 01:10:33,436 But do you know this is the first time you've actually talked to me in weeks? 1290 01:10:33,604 --> 01:10:36,481 The entire country is talking about what you did. 1291 01:10:36,649 --> 01:10:38,191 l know. 1292 01:10:38,359 --> 01:10:40,818 Tim says l gotta kick you out... 1293 01:10:40,986 --> 01:10:44,656 ...or else l'll look weak and l'll lose the election. 1294 01:10:44,823 --> 01:10:48,117 When did Tim Wattley become part of this family? 1295 01:10:52,581 --> 01:10:55,625 Why don't you make up your own mind, Marty? 1296 01:10:56,502 --> 01:10:58,836 l think you should leave, Mitzi. 1297 01:10:59,797 --> 01:11:01,923 At least until the election's over. 1298 01:11:02,508 --> 01:11:05,718 And then what? You'll be the old Marty again? 1299 01:11:05,886 --> 01:11:08,179 -And what if you win? -Well-- 1300 01:11:08,347 --> 01:11:12,976 -Marty, you should've never entered this race. -Well, Cam Brady should've never entered you. 1301 01:11:13,560 --> 01:11:16,312 -Tim told me to say that. -Gross. 1302 01:11:17,606 --> 01:11:19,357 Goodbye, Marty. 1303 01:11:23,195 --> 01:11:25,863 We're out of Honey Nut Cheerios. 1304 01:11:26,073 --> 01:11:30,368 Check the pantry. There's some Froot Loops. 1305 01:11:31,370 --> 01:11:32,829 CAM: Okay, so here's the deal. 1306 01:11:32,997 --> 01:11:35,540 lf l bag a buck, we'll get a nice bounce in the polls. 1307 01:11:35,708 --> 01:11:39,669 So, what l did is l bought a dead seven-point buck, l froze it... 1308 01:11:39,837 --> 01:11:42,088 ...and l put it out by the lake in the woods. 1309 01:11:42,256 --> 01:11:44,465 lt's probably defrosted by about now. 1310 01:11:44,633 --> 01:11:47,760 So get the photographers ready when l yell. 1311 01:11:47,928 --> 01:11:50,847 That's an awesome plan, congressman. What's the signal? 1312 01:11:51,015 --> 01:11:53,349 Well, you'll hear a gunshot, and then you'll hear me yell: 1313 01:11:53,517 --> 01:11:54,976 "Black Hawk down!" 1314 01:11:55,144 --> 01:11:58,563 That makes sense. Hey. 1315 01:11:58,731 --> 01:12:00,231 [DERMOT CLEARS THROAT] 1316 01:12:01,942 --> 01:12:05,653 Marty Huggins. l didn't realize you were a sportsman. 1317 01:12:05,821 --> 01:12:08,865 Sorry about that thing with your wife. You know politics. 1318 01:12:09,783 --> 01:12:13,828 Ho--! He shot me. Black Hawk down! Black Hawk down! 1319 01:12:13,996 --> 01:12:17,040 -You saw it. You all saw it. -Way to go, Marty. 1320 01:12:17,207 --> 01:12:20,001 -Hunting season's over. Let's go, start the car. -Yes, sir. 1321 01:12:20,169 --> 01:12:21,794 CAM: lt went right through my femur. 1322 01:12:21,962 --> 01:12:25,798 Candidate Huggins shot his opponent, Congressman Brady, in a hunting accident... 1323 01:12:25,966 --> 01:12:27,592 ...and went up in the polls. 1324 01:12:27,760 --> 01:12:29,385 Ted Nugent would be proud. 1325 01:12:30,471 --> 01:12:32,805 GLENN: Bravo, young man. TRlPP: Well, well, well. 1326 01:12:32,973 --> 01:12:34,640 lf it isn't Dick Van Shrinkle. 1327 01:12:34,808 --> 01:12:35,850 [TRlPP LAUGHS] 1328 01:12:36,018 --> 01:12:38,811 We didn't have any idea that you had this kind of talent. 1329 01:12:38,979 --> 01:12:40,021 Well done. 1330 01:12:40,814 --> 01:12:45,568 l'm only saying this because l've had about a dozen brandies and a bump of coke... 1331 01:12:45,736 --> 01:12:47,904 ...and l'm a little emotional. 1332 01:12:48,072 --> 01:12:50,740 Goddamn it, l'm so proud of you. l mean-- 1333 01:12:50,908 --> 01:12:52,367 [CHUCKLES] 1334 01:12:52,534 --> 01:12:55,370 You actually shot a man and went up in the polls. 1335 01:12:55,537 --> 01:12:57,997 That's something we've only dreamed about. 1336 01:12:58,165 --> 01:13:02,126 Well, l would've shot somebody a long time ago if l knew you'd be proud of me, Dad. 1337 01:13:02,294 --> 01:13:03,336 -Sit down. -Okay. 1338 01:13:03,504 --> 01:13:06,506 TRlPP: Well, the good news is you don't have to worry about the charges. 1339 01:13:06,673 --> 01:13:09,342 There was not a single soul who was willing to testify. 1340 01:13:09,510 --> 01:13:13,471 As of right now, you are 1 2 points over Cam Brady. 1341 01:13:13,639 --> 01:13:16,474 -That's right. MARTY: Well, l'm just super overwhelmed by it. 1342 01:13:16,642 --> 01:13:17,975 lt's been a really good day. 1343 01:13:18,143 --> 01:13:20,353 GLENN: Well, l got some more good news for you, son. 1344 01:13:21,105 --> 01:13:26,651 We have purchased all the rights and large tracts of land in your district... 1345 01:13:26,819 --> 01:13:31,697 ...and we will be building three factories that will generate 8000 jobs... 1346 01:13:31,865 --> 01:13:34,784 ...and over a billion dollars of revenue per annum. 1347 01:13:34,952 --> 01:13:35,993 Oh, my goodness. 1348 01:13:36,161 --> 01:13:38,538 And we immediately sold that real estate and debt... 1349 01:13:38,705 --> 01:13:41,374 ...to the People's Republic for a massive profit. 1350 01:13:41,792 --> 01:13:45,545 -l'm sorry, to who? -Oh. The 14th district now belongs to China. 1351 01:13:45,712 --> 01:13:47,880 [SPEAKS lN MANDARlN] [GLENN AND WADE CHUCKLlNG] 1352 01:13:48,048 --> 01:13:49,590 [GLENN SPEAKS lN MANDARlN] 1353 01:13:50,509 --> 01:13:52,718 Guess those jobs will be good for the district. 1354 01:13:52,886 --> 01:13:55,263 Actually, American workers are paid way too much... 1355 01:13:55,431 --> 01:13:57,723 ...for us to book the profits we're accustomed to. 1356 01:13:57,891 --> 01:14:01,769 We'll be bringing in low-paid Chinese labor. They'll clock in at 50 cents an hour. 1357 01:14:01,937 --> 01:14:04,313 We call the concept "insourcing." 1358 01:14:04,481 --> 01:14:07,900 And we want you to start using "insourcing" in all your campaign speeches. 1359 01:14:08,068 --> 01:14:09,610 The word tested through the roof. 1360 01:14:09,778 --> 01:14:13,281 lt just kind of seems like you're building a big sweatshop in Hammond. 1361 01:14:13,449 --> 01:14:16,367 You have factories in China. Why are you gonna bring them here? 1362 01:14:16,535 --> 01:14:18,286 GLENN: lt'll save a fortune in shipping. 1363 01:14:18,454 --> 01:14:21,914 lt'll double the already-doubled profits that we make. 1364 01:14:22,749 --> 01:14:26,502 With all due respect, l thought we were gonna do something nice for the district. 1365 01:14:27,129 --> 01:14:31,466 And when you request those EPA waivers and concessions on minimum wage... 1366 01:14:31,633 --> 01:14:33,426 ...the whole project will be a go. 1367 01:14:37,639 --> 01:14:39,098 Well, Marty? 1368 01:14:41,727 --> 01:14:43,728 [SlGHS] 1369 01:14:43,896 --> 01:14:45,188 No, l won't do it. 1370 01:14:48,400 --> 01:14:52,403 l'm not gonna be known as the congressman who sold out his district to the Chinese. 1371 01:14:52,571 --> 01:14:54,739 What are you doing? You're fucking up, baby bro. 1372 01:14:54,907 --> 01:14:57,492 Goddamn it, son! Will you do as l say? 1373 01:14:57,659 --> 01:15:00,495 Look, l'm not the type of guy that talks back to his father. 1374 01:15:00,662 --> 01:15:04,207 But l imagine that guy, and l imagine that guy would say something like this: 1375 01:15:05,042 --> 01:15:09,295 You were never there for me. This town was always there for me. 1376 01:15:09,922 --> 01:15:12,423 And by the way, l know when you were married to Mama... 1377 01:15:12,591 --> 01:15:16,469 ...you were having an affair with that woman that looked like Dog the Bounty Hunter. 1378 01:15:18,138 --> 01:15:21,641 What you're doing is wrong. lt's dead wrong. 1379 01:15:23,143 --> 01:15:24,894 [SlGHS] 1380 01:15:27,898 --> 01:15:30,066 [DOOR HANDLE RATTLlNG] 1381 01:15:32,611 --> 01:15:33,653 Jiggle it. 1382 01:15:33,820 --> 01:15:35,530 -Jiggle a little. -Jiggle a little. 1383 01:15:35,697 --> 01:15:37,323 MARTY: l did. l mean.... 1384 01:15:37,491 --> 01:15:40,535 TRlPP: Jig-- You pull-- Lift it up and jiggle it. RAYMOND: Lift it up. 1385 01:15:40,702 --> 01:15:42,286 -Shake and push. -Now push. 1386 01:15:42,454 --> 01:15:45,164 -No, at the same time. You gotta-- -Jiggle, shake and push. 1387 01:15:45,332 --> 01:15:46,624 TRlPP: Yeah. MARTY: There it is. 1388 01:15:46,792 --> 01:15:49,126 Nope. Now l got it. 1389 01:15:50,212 --> 01:15:51,379 [DOOR CLOSES] 1390 01:15:51,588 --> 01:15:53,130 [TRlPP SlGHS] 1391 01:15:54,675 --> 01:15:55,800 Do we kill him? 1392 01:15:58,053 --> 01:15:59,095 GLENN: No, no, no. 1393 01:15:59,763 --> 01:16:03,140 What we're looking for is a new, fresh voice... 1394 01:16:03,308 --> 01:16:06,602 ...that'll wake up the people and harness their frustrations. 1395 01:16:06,770 --> 01:16:08,229 A savior, if you will. 1396 01:16:09,022 --> 01:16:12,692 And it turns out he's been right in front of us all along. 1397 01:16:13,986 --> 01:16:16,279 l'm not gonna cry. 1398 01:16:16,446 --> 01:16:19,865 -l'm not gonna cry. -Rinse. 1399 01:16:20,576 --> 01:16:22,827 Jesus, Wattley. 1400 01:16:23,287 --> 01:16:24,954 What the hell are you doing in here? 1401 01:16:25,122 --> 01:16:29,875 Motch brothers sent me. l'm here to make you not suck. 1402 01:16:30,877 --> 01:16:32,295 [AUDlENCE CHEERlNG] 1403 01:16:32,462 --> 01:16:37,717 ANNOUNCER [OVER SPEAKER]: lntroducing the new and improved Cam Brady. 1404 01:16:39,011 --> 01:16:40,428 Bring him down. 1405 01:16:40,637 --> 01:16:43,889 [BACHMAN-TURNER OVERDRlVE'S "TAKlNG CARE OF BUSlNESS" PLAYlNG] 1406 01:16:50,355 --> 01:16:52,440 CAM: How you doing, North Carolina? 1407 01:16:53,108 --> 01:16:58,321 The new Cam Brady is here today to stop the talking and start the walking. 1408 01:16:58,488 --> 01:17:03,117 The funny thing is, there's still a lot people out there that say no. 1409 01:17:04,411 --> 01:17:06,662 Marty Huggins says no. 1410 01:17:06,830 --> 01:17:07,872 [AUDlENCE BOOlNG] 1411 01:17:08,040 --> 01:17:12,752 But we're gonna kick his ass, because that's how we do. 1412 01:17:12,919 --> 01:17:14,295 Whoo! 1413 01:17:14,463 --> 01:17:15,963 [ROSE LAUGHS] 1414 01:17:16,131 --> 01:17:18,382 Motch paid me 50 grand to make a few appearances. 1415 01:17:18,550 --> 01:17:21,344 We're not back together. Put your arm around me. 1416 01:17:21,511 --> 01:17:24,513 Now, remember, y'all have to support Cam Brady. 1417 01:17:24,681 --> 01:17:26,724 Cam Brady '012. Whoo! 1418 01:17:26,892 --> 01:17:30,019 ROSE: Y'all have to hate Marty Huggins! 1419 01:17:35,067 --> 01:17:37,276 Well, let's be honest. 1420 01:17:38,862 --> 01:17:40,821 We're getting our tushes handed to us. 1421 01:17:40,989 --> 01:17:44,158 You're only eight points down, Marty. 1422 01:17:44,326 --> 01:17:48,537 There's a chance we could make it up before the polls open tomorrow. 1423 01:17:55,462 --> 01:17:58,297 -Hello, Mitzi. MlTZl: Hey, Marty. 1424 01:17:59,549 --> 01:18:03,594 Look, after 1 7 years of faithful marriage... 1425 01:18:03,762 --> 01:18:06,222 ...l did a bad, stupid thing. 1426 01:18:06,390 --> 01:18:08,224 l got crazy, Marty. 1427 01:18:08,392 --> 01:18:11,727 l lost myself and who l am. 1428 01:18:11,895 --> 01:18:14,480 And l'll be sorry for the rest of my life. 1429 01:18:15,107 --> 01:18:17,066 Well, you should be. 1430 01:18:18,151 --> 01:18:19,985 You hurt my feelings, Mitzi. 1431 01:18:20,612 --> 01:18:23,447 And l don't get my feelings hurt that much, you know? 1432 01:18:23,615 --> 01:18:25,950 But l'm to blame too. 1433 01:18:26,118 --> 01:18:28,411 l turned my back on the boys and you. 1434 01:18:29,079 --> 01:18:31,122 And to the people of this town. 1435 01:18:31,748 --> 01:18:35,793 l got all messed up with the hoopla of bigtime politics... 1436 01:18:35,961 --> 01:18:38,462 ...and look who l am now. 1437 01:18:38,630 --> 01:18:40,423 l ain't much of nothing. 1438 01:18:42,968 --> 01:18:46,971 Marty, tomorrow is election day. 1439 01:18:47,139 --> 01:18:51,600 You're not gonna win. And that means they'll destroy this town. 1440 01:18:52,227 --> 01:18:54,770 You've got 14 hours till they open up those polls. 1441 01:18:54,938 --> 01:18:57,398 We're up against some dirty players. 1442 01:18:57,566 --> 01:19:00,651 lt's time to save this town. 1443 01:19:06,950 --> 01:19:09,452 Now, when you say something like that... 1444 01:19:09,619 --> 01:19:12,121 ...l do get a little careless whisper in my body. 1445 01:19:12,289 --> 01:19:13,372 -Do you? -Mm-hm. 1446 01:19:22,048 --> 01:19:24,508 Be my Drew Carey. 1447 01:19:24,676 --> 01:19:28,012 Mitzi Huggins, come on down. 1448 01:19:37,230 --> 01:19:39,064 MlTZl: Oh. Oh, l'm dizzy. 1449 01:19:39,232 --> 01:19:41,317 Okay, people. 1450 01:19:41,485 --> 01:19:44,737 lt's time to get to work. Let's do it. 1451 01:19:46,615 --> 01:19:50,659 KElTH OLBERMANN: It's election day. Polls are opening on the East Coast. 1452 01:19:50,827 --> 01:19:53,829 CHRlS MATTHEWS: Record turnout in North Carolina's 1 4th district.. 1453 01:19:53,997 --> 01:19:57,291 ...where Cam Brady is solidly ahead. 1454 01:19:58,043 --> 01:19:59,627 -All right. -That's how we do. 1455 01:19:59,795 --> 01:20:01,545 Ha, ha. Hello. 1456 01:20:01,713 --> 01:20:05,049 Stuart, do you still have those TV commercial spots available for today? 1457 01:20:05,217 --> 01:20:06,258 -Mm-hm. -Okay. 1458 01:20:06,426 --> 01:20:08,427 Hey. Hey, everybody. 1459 01:20:08,595 --> 01:20:12,932 Hey, shut up, shut up, everybody. Check out these TVs. 1460 01:20:13,141 --> 01:20:17,144 Hello, l'm Marty Huggins. I'm running to be your congressman. 1461 01:20:17,312 --> 01:20:21,315 I've spent my last penny on this ad to tell everyone in the district one thing. 1462 01:20:22,108 --> 01:20:23,692 I have not been honest with you. 1463 01:20:23,860 --> 01:20:26,987 See, the truth is, big money is running politics in America. 1464 01:20:27,155 --> 01:20:30,699 Billionaires and corporations have given me millions of dollars... 1465 01:20:30,867 --> 01:20:32,493 ...to say what they want me to say. 1466 01:20:32,661 --> 01:20:33,953 What the hell is he doing? 1467 01:20:34,120 --> 01:20:37,623 And most of the time, what they want me to say is a lie. 1468 01:20:37,791 --> 01:20:39,708 Well, I'm not doing it anymore. 1469 01:20:39,876 --> 01:20:43,462 But on this election day, if you choose to vote for me, know this: 1470 01:20:43,630 --> 01:20:47,633 l will never take another dime from any billionaire or corporation. 1471 01:20:47,801 --> 01:20:52,805 And to get the ball rolling, l will tell you the darkest secrets of my life. 1472 01:20:52,973 --> 01:20:57,726 On October 23rd, 1 996, at 2:1 1 p.m... 1473 01:20:57,894 --> 01:21:02,022 ...l farted in a very crowded elevator and blamed it on a war veteran. 1474 01:21:02,190 --> 01:21:04,191 l would like to apologize to that woman. 1475 01:21:04,609 --> 01:21:10,072 Last year, l attended a Halloween party dressed up as Lady Gaga. 1476 01:21:10,240 --> 01:21:14,827 l felt so alive and free, l did not take off the costume for two days. 1477 01:21:14,995 --> 01:21:16,662 As a prank, when l was 1 5... 1478 01:21:16,830 --> 01:21:19,999 ...my big brother told me you have to masturbate with your feet. 1479 01:21:20,166 --> 01:21:22,042 And to this day, that's how l do it. 1480 01:21:22,210 --> 01:21:23,252 [GRUMBLES] 1481 01:21:24,254 --> 01:21:25,754 This feels good. Ahem. 1482 01:21:25,922 --> 01:21:31,135 Everyone, turn to the person next to you, reach in your heart, and let it speak. 1483 01:21:32,053 --> 01:21:35,264 l had an affair with the waitress at Ruby Tuesdays. 1484 01:21:36,141 --> 01:21:37,892 So did l. 1485 01:21:38,059 --> 01:21:39,476 [BOTH CHUCKLE] 1486 01:21:40,353 --> 01:21:43,856 l run a meth lab out of the kids' tree fort. 1487 01:21:44,024 --> 01:21:46,650 l'm your twin sister. 1488 01:21:47,861 --> 01:21:52,448 Sometimes when l get a little drunk, l let kids touch my old lady's titty. 1489 01:21:52,616 --> 01:21:56,785 Ninety percent of the time, l have no idea what the fuck l'm talking about. 1490 01:21:57,329 --> 01:21:59,538 l tried to kill you in your sleep. 1491 01:21:59,706 --> 01:22:01,081 What? 1492 01:22:01,499 --> 01:22:03,626 Three times. 1493 01:22:03,793 --> 01:22:08,631 You see, telling the truth feels good, and it's what this country was built on. 1494 01:22:08,798 --> 01:22:13,093 I'm Marty Huggins, and this is one message l approve. 1495 01:22:13,261 --> 01:22:18,223 [lN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Oh, Mr. Raymond. Here you go, your afternoon refreshment. 1496 01:22:18,391 --> 01:22:20,851 -Mrs. Yao? -Yeah. 1497 01:22:21,019 --> 01:22:23,562 Do you know what l like most about your Asian boys? 1498 01:22:23,730 --> 01:22:24,772 YAO: Hmm? 1499 01:22:24,940 --> 01:22:27,608 They respect their elders and do as they're told. 1500 01:22:29,110 --> 01:22:31,111 [lN NORMAL VOlCE] You have been saying for years... 1501 01:22:31,279 --> 01:22:33,447 ...how you want Marty to stand up and be his own man. 1502 01:22:33,615 --> 01:22:37,493 Well, he's finally done it. You should be proud of him. 1503 01:22:37,661 --> 01:22:40,079 -What did you say? -Oh, right. Uh.... 1504 01:22:40,580 --> 01:22:43,374 [lN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Your son Marty be standing up like a man... 1505 01:22:43,541 --> 01:22:46,043 ...but his pappy gots to support him. 1506 01:22:46,211 --> 01:22:48,170 [GRUNTS THEN SCOFFS] 1507 01:22:48,338 --> 01:22:50,172 [lN NORMAL VOlCE] This is bullshit. 1508 01:22:50,340 --> 01:22:52,049 [YAO GRUMBLES] 1509 01:22:52,217 --> 01:22:53,467 Election day winding down. 1510 01:22:53,635 --> 01:22:56,345 North Carolina's 1 4th district one of the last to call it. 1511 01:22:56,513 --> 01:22:59,890 And today opponent Marty Huggins did the craziest stunt to date. 1512 01:23:00,058 --> 01:23:04,228 Marty Huggins, he actually promised to be the most honest congressman out there. 1513 01:23:04,396 --> 01:23:07,147 Listen, guys, he opened his life up, and it's worked. 1514 01:23:07,315 --> 01:23:08,691 He's up in the polls. 1515 01:23:08,858 --> 01:23:11,568 The whole country is still waiting on the result. 1516 01:23:11,778 --> 01:23:16,865 COUNClLMAN: Ahem. We have a winner, as verified by the State Election Board. 1517 01:23:17,075 --> 01:23:19,159 And the results were as follows. 1518 01:23:19,369 --> 01:23:24,498 With 90,362 votes, Camden Brady. 1519 01:23:24,708 --> 01:23:26,625 [CHEERlNG] 1520 01:23:29,963 --> 01:23:33,132 And now for the results for Martin Huggins: 1521 01:23:33,299 --> 01:23:37,594 80,365 votes. Cam Brady wins. 1522 01:23:37,762 --> 01:23:40,222 -Yeah! Whoo! -All right. Whoo! 1523 01:23:40,432 --> 01:23:43,517 [BACHMAN-TURNER OVERDRlVE'S "TAKlNG CARE OF BUSlNESS" PLAYlNG] 1524 01:23:44,394 --> 01:23:47,354 How can that be? We were up 1 0,000 votes in the exit polls. 1525 01:23:47,522 --> 01:23:49,481 How can that be? 1526 01:23:56,239 --> 01:23:58,532 Who's taking care of business now? 1527 01:23:58,700 --> 01:24:01,201 -Thank you. -We did it, baby. We did it. 1528 01:24:01,369 --> 01:24:04,747 lt's you and me against the world forever. 1529 01:24:05,790 --> 01:24:07,249 MAN 1 [OVER SPEAKER]: Cam Brady! 1530 01:24:07,417 --> 01:24:10,502 -Thank you. Thank you so much. MAN 2: Well done. 1531 01:24:11,921 --> 01:24:14,965 Pardon me. Excuse me, thank you. Thank you. 1532 01:24:15,133 --> 01:24:17,342 -Mitzi. -Cam. 1533 01:24:17,927 --> 01:24:18,969 Sorry. 1534 01:24:19,637 --> 01:24:20,679 CAM: Hey, Marty. 1535 01:24:21,306 --> 01:24:24,058 Why are you so upset? You ran a hell of a campaign. 1536 01:24:24,225 --> 01:24:27,728 -l mean, you got a real talent for this. -You still don't get it, do you? 1537 01:24:27,896 --> 01:24:30,814 l didn't do this for some career. 1538 01:24:31,483 --> 01:24:34,693 l did this because l love my home and l wanted to help out. 1539 01:24:34,861 --> 01:24:38,989 Just like you did when you took down that jaggedy jungle gym... 1540 01:24:39,157 --> 01:24:42,034 ...so other kids wouldn't get cut like me. 1541 01:24:43,161 --> 01:24:44,787 -lt got you too. -Yeah. 1542 01:24:44,954 --> 01:24:46,997 l remember that jaggedy jungle gym. 1543 01:24:48,333 --> 01:24:50,125 -Ow. -Look at this. 1544 01:24:50,919 --> 01:24:52,211 [CAM GASPS] 1545 01:24:52,378 --> 01:24:53,545 Oh, no. 1546 01:24:53,713 --> 01:24:57,716 Doctors said it was the worst playground accident they'd ever seen. 1547 01:24:57,884 --> 01:24:59,259 [GASPS] 1548 01:25:00,720 --> 01:25:03,806 And l just dangled there for two straight nights. 1549 01:25:03,973 --> 01:25:05,390 Oh, good Lord. 1550 01:25:05,558 --> 01:25:09,019 But back then, in the fourth grade, l voted for you. 1551 01:25:09,187 --> 01:25:10,229 You know why? 1552 01:25:10,688 --> 01:25:14,858 Because you were a voice of the people. But that's when we was kids. 1553 01:25:15,360 --> 01:25:19,404 l guess this is the, uh.... The way of the world now. 1554 01:25:20,615 --> 01:25:22,616 TlM: Come on, Cam, we gotta go. 1555 01:25:22,784 --> 01:25:24,368 [TlM GROANS] 1556 01:25:25,286 --> 01:25:27,371 lt had to be said. 1557 01:25:27,539 --> 01:25:30,040 -Pull up your pants, honey. -Okay. 1558 01:25:30,792 --> 01:25:32,835 Here he is, the man of the hour. 1559 01:25:33,378 --> 01:25:38,882 lt's been a pleasure running his campaign. Congressman Cam Brady. 1560 01:25:39,050 --> 01:25:40,592 We love you, Cam. 1561 01:25:40,760 --> 01:25:44,179 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thanks. 1562 01:25:45,223 --> 01:25:46,765 So, uh.... 1563 01:25:46,933 --> 01:25:49,309 So l won. That's great. 1564 01:25:53,356 --> 01:25:56,942 Marty Huggins did a crazy thing on TV today. 1565 01:25:57,110 --> 01:25:59,111 He told the truth. 1566 01:25:59,279 --> 01:26:01,280 So here l go. 1567 01:26:01,447 --> 01:26:04,032 l am a great politician. 1568 01:26:04,242 --> 01:26:06,910 [AUDlENCE CHEERS] [ROSE LAUGHS] 1569 01:26:07,078 --> 01:26:08,871 Yeah. 1570 01:26:29,350 --> 01:26:32,477 -But l am a horrible congressman. ALL: No. 1571 01:26:32,645 --> 01:26:34,438 CAM: Now, hold on, hear me out. 1572 01:26:34,606 --> 01:26:39,026 l hardly ever vote in Congress, and l never read the bills. 1573 01:26:39,235 --> 01:26:44,323 When l'm in D.C., l mostly Facebook old girlfriends... 1574 01:26:44,490 --> 01:26:46,241 ...play fantasy hockey. 1575 01:26:46,826 --> 01:26:50,829 Words with Friends, Scrabble, Draw Something. 1576 01:26:51,039 --> 01:26:54,541 l just enjoy being Congressman Cam Brady... 1577 01:26:54,709 --> 01:26:57,628 ...and l was scared to death of losing that. 1578 01:26:58,171 --> 01:27:01,798 So l took a bunch of money from the Motch brothers... 1579 01:27:01,966 --> 01:27:07,221 ...and convinced myself that selling the 14th district to China was a good idea. 1580 01:27:07,388 --> 01:27:09,389 All they care about is profits. 1581 01:27:09,557 --> 01:27:12,476 Not you, not me, not America. 1582 01:27:13,019 --> 01:27:16,230 The only reason why my wife is here tonight is because they paid her to be here. 1583 01:27:16,397 --> 01:27:17,522 [AUDlENCE GASPS] 1584 01:27:17,690 --> 01:27:20,234 WADE: Jesus, l think we should take our leave. Excuse me. 1585 01:27:20,401 --> 01:27:22,444 GLENN: He's a liar. WADE: He's a nutbag. 1586 01:27:22,612 --> 01:27:24,404 Don't touch me. We're both ex-Marines. 1587 01:27:24,572 --> 01:27:28,075 Get away now. Get away or l'll start slapping people. 1588 01:27:28,243 --> 01:27:31,995 But do you know which individual in this room... 1589 01:27:32,163 --> 01:27:34,748 ...stood up to the Motch brothers and said no? 1590 01:27:35,959 --> 01:27:39,461 Marty Huggins. That son of a bitch fears no man. 1591 01:27:39,629 --> 01:27:41,880 He should be your congressman. 1592 01:27:42,590 --> 01:27:44,925 Sure, l know what you're thinking: He's a weirdo. 1593 01:27:45,093 --> 01:27:47,177 l've often wondered... 1594 01:27:47,345 --> 01:27:51,473 ...why the folks from Ripley's Believe lt or Not!... 1595 01:27:51,641 --> 01:27:54,768 ...haven't broken into his house... 1596 01:27:54,936 --> 01:27:57,312 ...and kidnapped him for a permanent display. 1597 01:27:58,022 --> 01:28:02,526 But l'll tell you this: He's one of the good ones, and l've actually grown fond of him. 1598 01:28:02,694 --> 01:28:05,445 So with that, l'd like to announce my withdrawal from this election... 1599 01:28:05,613 --> 01:28:06,863 [AUDlENCE GASPS] 1600 01:28:07,031 --> 01:28:10,325 ...and congratulate Congressman Marty Huggins. 1601 01:28:10,493 --> 01:28:11,660 [AUDlENCE CHEERS] 1602 01:28:11,828 --> 01:28:14,079 Come on up here, Marty. 1603 01:28:15,164 --> 01:28:16,623 TRlPP: Goddamn. 1604 01:28:18,167 --> 01:28:22,879 AUDlENCE [CHEERlNG] Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty! 1605 01:28:23,047 --> 01:28:24,673 You sure about this? 1606 01:28:25,883 --> 01:28:27,926 Get on up there before l change my mind. 1607 01:28:30,972 --> 01:28:32,597 MARTY: Thanks so much. 1608 01:28:33,057 --> 01:28:35,517 One minute you got your pants down... 1609 01:28:35,685 --> 01:28:39,146 ...and the next minute you're a U.S. congressman. 1610 01:28:40,440 --> 01:28:42,316 lt's usually the other way around, l guess. 1611 01:28:42,483 --> 01:28:43,650 [AUDlENCE CHUCKLES] 1612 01:28:43,818 --> 01:28:47,988 l'd like to thank Cam Brady for his intestinal fortitude... 1613 01:28:48,156 --> 01:28:49,781 ...for doing what he just did. 1614 01:28:49,949 --> 01:28:52,034 [AUDlENCE APPLAUDS] 1615 01:28:52,702 --> 01:28:57,831 l want the 14th district to know that you will not be sold to China... 1616 01:28:57,999 --> 01:28:59,458 ...to Brazil... 1617 01:29:00,001 --> 01:29:02,252 ...to Nova Scotia... 1618 01:29:02,420 --> 01:29:04,171 ...or any other country. 1619 01:29:04,339 --> 01:29:07,174 -Hi, Cam. -Hey, Mitch. 1620 01:29:07,342 --> 01:29:10,010 That was the greatest gesture l've ever seen in my life. 1621 01:29:10,178 --> 01:29:13,638 -That was book-worthy. -Thank you. 1622 01:29:13,806 --> 01:29:18,894 -l'd really like to work together again someday. -Well, nothing would please me more. 1623 01:29:19,270 --> 01:29:20,312 lt's a deal. 1624 01:29:20,480 --> 01:29:23,648 By the way, l hope you don't mind me saying this, but you look great. 1625 01:29:23,816 --> 01:29:25,484 -l started drinking again. -Oh. 1626 01:29:25,693 --> 01:29:27,527 MlTCH: Mm-hm. 1627 01:29:27,695 --> 01:29:32,115 And l want to end daylight savings time. l hate when it gets dark early. 1628 01:29:32,283 --> 01:29:33,367 [CHEERlNG] 1629 01:29:33,534 --> 01:29:36,953 Washington, D.C., l have a message for you: 1630 01:29:37,622 --> 01:29:41,375 l'm bringing my broom, because you know why? 1631 01:29:41,542 --> 01:29:43,251 MARTY & AUDlENCE [lN UNlSON]: lt's a mess. 1632 01:29:43,461 --> 01:29:48,048 CHANTlNG: lt's a mess! lt's a mess! lt's a mess! 1633 01:29:48,216 --> 01:29:50,926 lt's a mess! lt's a mess! 1634 01:29:52,929 --> 01:29:55,931 ANCHORWOMAN [ON TV]: Congressman Scott Talley will tender his resignation... 1635 01:29:56,099 --> 01:30:01,853 ...over allegations of using federal funds to purchase his mistress's fake breasts. 1636 01:30:02,021 --> 01:30:07,442 Large breasts offer more protection to a woman's tender vital organs. 1637 01:30:08,277 --> 01:30:10,529 -Talley's done. -What a waste. 1638 01:30:10,696 --> 01:30:11,905 [DOORBELL RlNGS] 1639 01:30:12,073 --> 01:30:14,408 -Connie! -l think you fired her. 1640 01:30:14,575 --> 01:30:17,327 Oh, damn it. Who is it? 1641 01:30:17,495 --> 01:30:20,914 WOMAN: Hola, it's me, Rosita, your new cleaning lady. 1642 01:30:21,082 --> 01:30:23,667 Oh, this is a big casa. 1643 01:30:23,835 --> 01:30:27,963 lt's going to take me forever to clean it, but l do it for you. 1644 01:30:28,548 --> 01:30:29,673 [SPEAKS lN SPANlSH] 1645 01:30:29,841 --> 01:30:30,924 GLENN: Go away. 1646 01:30:31,092 --> 01:30:32,592 [lN NORMAL VOlCE] This is a subpoena... 1647 01:30:32,760 --> 01:30:36,304 ...for you to appear before a congressional hearing on campaign-finance illegalities. 1648 01:30:36,472 --> 01:30:38,682 You've been served, dickheads. Heh. 1649 01:30:38,850 --> 01:30:40,809 -What? -Who's heading this hearing? 1650 01:30:41,519 --> 01:30:44,104 [lN SPANlSH ACCENT] Oh. Congressman Marty Huggins... 1651 01:30:44,272 --> 01:30:47,441 ...and he's going to go loco on your gringo asses. 1652 01:30:47,608 --> 01:30:49,067 [SPEAKS lN SPANlSH] 1653 01:30:49,277 --> 01:30:50,610 [YAO GRUNTS] 1654 01:30:50,778 --> 01:30:53,029 [lN NORMAL VOlCE] Greedy motherfuckers. 1655 01:31:28,858 --> 01:31:31,943 MARTY: Okay, everyone, please. Okay. 1656 01:31:32,111 --> 01:31:34,821 l'd like to remind these gentlemen why they are here. 1657 01:31:34,989 --> 01:31:37,908 You were spending millions of dollars buying politicians... 1658 01:31:38,075 --> 01:31:40,202 ...spreading misinformation... 1659 01:31:40,369 --> 01:31:43,830 ...and influencing legislation for your personal gain. 1660 01:31:43,998 --> 01:31:47,334 -Now, l think the re-- -[WHlSPERS] Marty. You're doing great. 1661 01:31:47,502 --> 01:31:50,462 -And l just love being your chief of staff. -Good. 1662 01:31:50,630 --> 01:31:53,965 Unfortunately, none of these charges are illegal. 1663 01:31:54,133 --> 01:31:55,592 Uh, that's correct, congressman. 1664 01:31:55,760 --> 01:31:59,095 The Citizens United ruling made that abundantly clear. 1665 01:31:59,263 --> 01:32:04,226 Maybe l can't get you on the corruption of elections, but l can get you on this: 1666 01:32:06,521 --> 01:32:08,146 l can-- 1667 01:32:08,314 --> 01:32:11,650 [WHlSPERS] lt's a coupon to Chick-fil-A. lt's a coupon to Chick-fil-A. 1668 01:32:12,860 --> 01:32:17,322 Aiding and abetting a known international fugitive. 1669 01:32:17,490 --> 01:32:21,785 This is Tim Wattley, a.k.a. Leonidis Stavros... 1670 01:32:21,953 --> 01:32:23,745 ...a.k.a. the Greek Butcher... 1671 01:32:23,913 --> 01:32:25,705 ...a.k.a. the Greek Baker... 1672 01:32:25,873 --> 01:32:27,999 ...a.k.a. the Greek Candlestick Maker... 1673 01:32:28,167 --> 01:32:30,210 ...a.k.a. Dermot Mulroney... 1674 01:32:30,836 --> 01:32:33,672 ...a.k.a. Osama Getting-Laiden. 1675 01:32:35,049 --> 01:32:37,968 Gentlemen, these are federal offenses. 1676 01:32:38,135 --> 01:32:42,472 My brother is responsible for this. l've never heard of Mr. Wattley in my life. 1677 01:32:42,682 --> 01:32:44,182 Boom. 1678 01:32:44,350 --> 01:32:46,726 MARTY: You're under arrest. -l've never seen him before. 1679 01:32:46,894 --> 01:32:50,021 -l'll tell you this: lt's a mess. -Whoo! 1680 01:32:50,189 --> 01:32:52,190 l put you in that chair. l can get you out. 1681 01:32:52,358 --> 01:32:53,900 -This is a sham. WADE: Are you kidding? 1682 01:32:54,068 --> 01:32:56,903 -We make every decision together. GLENN: This is all you.