1
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:19,644
So, you see the thing is, Dad,
I could reapply next year,

2
00:00:19,770 --> 00:00:23,272
but if I defer and try again for Oxford,
I'll probably lose my place at Bristol...

3
00:00:23,398 --> 00:00:24,357
Mm...

4
00:00:24,483 --> 00:00:26,192
...which is a good university,
but not my dream.

5
00:00:26,318 --> 00:00:27,735
Do you think it matters in the long term,

6
00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:30,279
or is the subject and standard of degree
more important?

7
00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:31,822
So, I got married.

8
00:00:31,949 --> 00:00:33,991
- What?!
- To Suzy, we got married.

9
00:00:34,117 --> 00:00:35,117
You mean remarried.

10
00:00:35,244 --> 00:00:37,036
This time it's for keeps, though.

11
00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:38,955
- When did this happen?
- A few weeks ago.

12
00:00:39,081 --> 00:00:41,499
I was going to invite you, but I know
how you are around people.

13
00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:43,292
How am I?!

14
00:00:43,418 --> 00:00:46,003
Awkward. Weird.

15
00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:48,548
I don't live in a cave.
I live in suburban London.

16
00:00:48,674 --> 00:00:50,341
I spend my entire life around people.

17
00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:52,635
Much as I'd like to,
it's almost impossible to avoid them.

18
00:00:52,761 --> 00:00:54,220
See, this is what I mean.

19
00:00:54,346 --> 00:00:56,806
Well... Was it a big wedding?

20
00:00:56,932 --> 00:01:00,601
No. Couple of hundred close friends
and family.

21
00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:02,311
- And it was perfect.
- Mm.

22
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,441
I can't believe you didn't invite me
to your wedding.

23
00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:09,777
So, what are you up to this summer?

24
00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:11,112
Oh, you're changing the subject?

25
00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:12,572
- Mm-hm.
- Fine.

26
00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:14,949
I dunno. I guess I'll be going on holiday.

27
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:17,451
Oh, this should be good.
What have you got planned?

28
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:20,871
Trans-Siberian Express?
Fossil-hunting in Dorset?

29
00:01:20,998 --> 00:01:22,707
Or maybe something even weirder.

30
00:01:22,833 --> 00:01:27,295
No, actually. Something normal. I'm going
somewhere normal, with my normal friends,

31
00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:28,713
to a place full of normal people.

32
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:31,132
And you, of course.

33
00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:33,134
(SIGHS)

34
00:01:33,468 --> 00:01:35,261
# Wahhhhh

35
00:01:35,387 --> 00:01:38,139
# Gimme love, gimme love, gimme love

36
00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:41,893
# I really need it

37
00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:45,229
# Gimme love, gimme love, gimme love

38
00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:48,190
# Just set me free, yeah... #

39
00:01:48,317 --> 00:01:52,653
WILL: In case you were wondering,
that was me with my father.

40
00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:55,698
And this is where I live - not with him,
but with my mother.

41
00:01:55,824 --> 00:01:58,367
It's a long story. Well, not that long.

42
00:01:58,493 --> 00:02:00,620
He shagged the work experience girl
and then left us.

43
00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:02,413
So, just clichd, really.

44
00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:05,499
Plus, it only happened two years ago,
so I don't even get the luxury

45
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:08,336
of blaming my various personality defects
on their divorce.

46
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:12,965
Anyway, that's how I ended up here -
the very definition of suburbia.

47
00:02:13,091 --> 00:02:18,471
Safe, comforting, stifling, boring -
and I couldn't wait to fucking leave.

48
00:02:18,597 --> 00:02:22,099
Maybe that's unfair, as they do say
that you never know what goes on

49
00:02:22,226 --> 00:02:24,185
behind the net curtains of suburbia.

50
00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:27,855
Although, in my friend Jay Cartwright's
case, you can have a pretty good guess.

51
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:31,108
(LUSTFUL GROANS)

52
00:02:34,279 --> 00:02:37,490
Are you ready to have some fun, big boy?

53
00:02:37,616 --> 00:02:39,242
Mmm.

54
00:02:39,368 --> 00:02:40,910
I'm feeling sexy!

55
00:02:41,036 --> 00:02:43,037
Take off mask, baby, let me see you.

56
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,956
Nah.

57
00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:48,459
Do you promise this'll be properly filthy,
yeah?

58
00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:50,461
Oh, yes, like bomb explode from in penis.

59
00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:53,506
Sexy like...mmm...finger up bumhole.

60
00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:55,841
Christ, you make me so erect.

61
00:02:55,968 --> 00:02:58,469
Oh, yes, you also make me erect.

62
00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:01,639
Now, put in card details.
Oh, I'm so horny.

63
00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:04,642
Don't forget security number and bank.

64
00:03:04,768 --> 00:03:07,270
Mm! Come on, hurry up.

65
00:03:09,273 --> 00:03:11,899
All right, Jay's mum! Where's Jay?

66
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,318
Oh, hello, Neil. He's at home,
updating his CV.

67
00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:15,486
(MOBILE RINGS)

68
00:03:15,612 --> 00:03:17,363
Ooh, excuse me.

69
00:03:17,489 --> 00:03:19,031
Hello?

70
00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:22,743
Ohh...

71
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,245
It's a bit over, is that OK?

72
00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:25,413
Not really.

73
00:03:28,292 --> 00:03:32,253
- Excuse me! My prawns?
- Sorry, mate, I finish at six.

74
00:03:37,009 --> 00:03:38,467
Cheers for that.

75
00:03:38,594 --> 00:03:41,804
- You don't have to thank me every time.
- Oh, right. Cool.

76
00:03:41,930 --> 00:03:43,389
You're so fit.

77
00:03:57,905 --> 00:03:59,196
Simon, we need to talk.

78
00:03:59,323 --> 00:04:00,865
Oh, not talking!

79
00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:04,035
- Look, it's been great so far...
- It's been amazing.

80
00:04:04,161 --> 00:04:07,788
Literally the best year of my life.
My spots clearing up, not moving to Wales,

81
00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:08,873
and now you.

82
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:10,875
And I'm definitely getting better
at kissing, aren't I?

83
00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:12,251
I think we should break up.

84
00:04:12,377 --> 00:04:14,003
What?

85
00:04:14,129 --> 00:04:16,380
We're both going away to uni soon,

86
00:04:16,507 --> 00:04:18,799
and it'll be too hard to keep it going
long-distance.

87
00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:20,843
- It won't be fair on either of us.
- I don't mind.

88
00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:22,511
You will mind, though. You will.

89
00:04:22,638 --> 00:04:23,971
I bloody won't!

90
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:26,224
Plus, I'm going on holiday soon,
so there's that.

91
00:04:26,350 --> 00:04:28,184
Why? What are you planning to do
on holiday?

92
00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:30,519
Maybe you should just go home.

93
00:04:30,646 --> 00:04:32,688
I just need some space to think
at the moment.

94
00:04:32,814 --> 00:04:36,108
OK, fine. So, I'll see you later, yeah?

95
00:04:36,235 --> 00:04:37,652
Or, whenever?

96
00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:45,826
(WHISTLES)

97
00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:49,038
Mum, I'm back! When's tea?

98
00:04:49,164 --> 00:04:51,290
- In a minute.
- It had better be delicious!

99
00:05:03,262 --> 00:05:05,555
(SOBS)

100
00:05:15,357 --> 00:05:17,149
Ohhh...

101
00:05:17,276 --> 00:05:19,360
- Oooh!
- Oh, oh!

102
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:25,783
Tell me you love me. Tell me you love me.

103
00:05:25,909 --> 00:05:29,161
Oh, yes, I like you. Oh, I like you.

104
00:05:29,288 --> 00:05:32,540
Get out! I'm just looking at holidays!
It's just holidays!

105
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:35,668
Jay, can you come downstairs, please?
Your grandfather's died.

106
00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:40,923
Ooh, you've got a lady there, you bad boy!

107
00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:44,427
Has she got nice titties? Suck on
the lady's titties. Suck them, go on!

108
00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:49,515
WILL: It was our last ever day of school,

109
00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:52,476
something my new stepmum had
experienced only four years ago herself.

110
00:05:52,603 --> 00:05:54,979
So the head of Sixth was going to say
a few inspirational words.

111
00:05:55,105 --> 00:05:59,942
And if ever there was a man for the job,
it wasn't lunatic giant Mr Gilbert.

112
00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:03,404
I will forget each and every one of you
almost immediately.

113
00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:06,115
So, if you do find yourself at a loose end
next year,

114
00:06:06,241 --> 00:06:09,452
and think it might be nice to pop in
and see how we're getting on,

115
00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:12,038
don't. This isn't the Dead Poets Society

116
00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:15,708
and I'm not that bloke on BBC Two
who keeps getting kids to sing in choirs.

117
00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:20,463
I especially don't want to hear about
how well you're settling down at uni

118
00:06:20,589 --> 00:06:23,007
or how much growing up you've done
in the past 12 months.

119
00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:26,844
At best, I am ambivalent
towards most of you,

120
00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:29,180
but some of you, I actively dislike,

121
00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:32,475
for no other reason
than your poor personal hygiene

122
00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:35,603
or your irritating personalities.

123
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:39,273
I hope I've made myself clear
on this point.

124
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:42,401
And in case any of you think
I'm joking...I'm not.

125
00:06:42,528 --> 00:06:45,154
I assure you that once my legal obligation

126
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,323
to look after your best interests
is removed,

127
00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:51,160
I can be one truly nasty fucker.

128
00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:59,043
Good luck with the rest of your lives
and...try not to kill anyone.

129
00:06:59,169 --> 00:07:01,170
It reflects very badly on all of us here.

130
00:07:06,134 --> 00:07:07,718
Slightly more upbeat than I was expecting.

131
00:07:07,845 --> 00:07:11,013
WILL: They say your school days
are the best days of your life.

132
00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:12,557
But the only way that would be true for me

133
00:07:12,683 --> 00:07:15,601
would be if I went straight from school
to prison and stayed there until I died.

134
00:07:15,727 --> 00:07:17,603
How many times is that
she's caught you now?

135
00:07:17,729 --> 00:07:19,605
Four. But this was the worst.

136
00:07:19,731 --> 00:07:22,358
Mask, snorkel, ham.

137
00:07:22,484 --> 00:07:24,026
OK, one last one for luck.

138
00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:25,987
Ooooh!

139
00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:28,948
Good. Old school wedgie.
To be admired, in a way.

140
00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:33,160
Squashing the balls now.
Ooh! That does not tickle!

141
00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:34,662
Argh!

142
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:37,290
Mark! What the fuck
do you think you're doing? Put him down.

143
00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:38,874
All right, calm down.

144
00:07:39,001 --> 00:07:40,835
Just saying goodbye to Bender Squad.

145
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:43,880
- Have a nice life, dickheads.
- Oh, grow up! God!

146
00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:46,966
- Are you OK, Will?
- Fine! Slightly chafed arse crack,

147
00:07:47,092 --> 00:07:50,177
- but, no, basically fine, thanks.
- Hi, Simon.

148
00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:53,890
OK, well, bye, then.

149
00:07:56,727 --> 00:07:58,102
Fucking bitch.

150
00:07:58,228 --> 00:07:59,186
Is she?

151
00:07:59,313 --> 00:08:00,980
No.

152
00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:03,774
Oh, God... I just really miss her.

153
00:08:03,901 --> 00:08:05,693
(CRIES)

154
00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:22,210
It's all right, mate. I understand.
Anyone would miss those tits.

155
00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:24,503
- It's not that, Neil.
- Is it her lovely snatch?

156
00:08:24,630 --> 00:08:26,130
- No.
- I know it feels rough

157
00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:28,007
now, Si,
but you just need to give it some time.

158
00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:30,593
I'm just worried I'll never get over her.
(CRIES)

159
00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:32,637
- I can help you with that!
- Can you?

160
00:08:32,763 --> 00:08:35,640
Yeah! From now on, every time
you mention the Moanatronic 5000,

161
00:08:35,766 --> 00:08:38,267
- you get a slap in the balls.
- Do you mean Carli?

162
00:08:38,393 --> 00:08:40,436
Ow! For fuck's sake, Jay!

163
00:08:40,562 --> 00:08:42,521
- NEIL: You were warned.
- How's that helping?!

164
00:08:42,648 --> 00:08:44,607
Stopped you from crying like a baby,
for one.

165
00:08:44,733 --> 00:08:47,652
So my life is still ruined,
but now my balls ache too. Thanks, Jay(!)

166
00:08:47,778 --> 00:08:50,905
No, your life is just about to begin,
mate!

167
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:54,283
Now you've been dumped, we can all go
on a mental holiday together.

168
00:08:54,409 --> 00:08:58,829
Two weeks of sun, sea, sex, sand, booze,

169
00:08:58,956 --> 00:09:01,999
sex, minge, fanny and tits.

170
00:09:02,125 --> 00:09:03,167
And booze.

171
00:09:03,293 --> 00:09:04,710
And sex!

172
00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:07,922
He's put it horrifically,
but he's probably right.

173
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:09,465
A holiday would definitely
take your mind off her.

174
00:09:09,591 --> 00:09:11,425
JAY: Plus, it's the perfect time to go.

175
00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:14,053
NEIL: Yeah, they say the summer is
the perfect time for a summer holiday.

176
00:09:14,179 --> 00:09:16,180
WILL: Come on, Si, what do you say?
The lads on tour!

177
00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:19,141
- NEIL: And you.
- WILL: Yes, and me! One of the lads.

178
00:09:19,268 --> 00:09:21,477
Yeah, fuck it, go on, then.
Maybe it will help.

179
00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:23,312
Course it will! And, I promise you, Si,

180
00:09:23,438 --> 00:09:26,857
we'll go somewhere so full of fit birds,
it'll be like shooting clunge in a barrel.

181
00:09:26,984 --> 00:09:28,985
What a lovely image(!)

182
00:09:29,111 --> 00:09:32,613
WILL: So, that was it.
We were no longer schoolboys.

183
00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:33,990
And, to prove our independence,

184
00:09:34,116 --> 00:09:37,034
we were off on the holiday of a lifetime
without our parents...

185
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:38,703
after we'd made them pay for it.

186
00:09:39,121 --> 00:09:41,872
I know this is the first time you've ever
been away from me, but don't go crazy.

187
00:09:41,999 --> 00:09:43,082
When have I ever gone crazy?!

188
00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:46,168
That time you drank all that shandy
at Debra's wedding. You went pretty wild!

189
00:09:46,295 --> 00:09:48,629
- I was seven years old!
- He was running round, his pants down,

190
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,131
shouting, "I've got a white slug!"

191
00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:53,593
- Mum!
- Oh, hello, Kevin!

192
00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:56,304
Looks like just Jay
we're waiting for, then.

193
00:09:56,430 --> 00:09:59,724
Yes, it does "look like" that, doesn't it?
God! Sorry about her.

194
00:09:59,850 --> 00:10:01,183
Are you all right, Neil?
Your face is a bit weird.

195
00:10:01,310 --> 00:10:04,729
Fine! Just popped a bit of my sister's
fake tan on, get it started, you know.

196
00:10:04,855 --> 00:10:06,022
Just on your face?

197
00:10:06,148 --> 00:10:08,399
Well... It's on my hands, now, too.

198
00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:10,234
All right? Who's this, then, the vicar?

199
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:13,487
Me? No, no, I'm Kevin. I'm Neil's father.
Nice to meet you.

200
00:10:13,614 --> 00:10:16,449
Where's Neil been hiding you, then?
The church? (LAUGHS)

201
00:10:16,575 --> 00:10:19,118
- Looks like a bloody vicar, don't he?
- No, no, I'm not a vicar.

202
00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:22,246
No, I know that. But you look like a vicar
and you talk like a vicar.

203
00:10:22,372 --> 00:10:25,124
A bloody gay vicar, or something! (LAUGHS)

204
00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:28,002
Well, I'm not a vicar and I'm not gay.

205
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,837
No, I'm saying you lookgay.

206
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:33,716
But you can't be, can you? Cos old
soppy bollocks here come out your pipe.

207
00:10:33,842 --> 00:10:37,261
Right, I see.

208
00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:39,597
Well, gotta get going.
Don't want you to miss that flight.

209
00:10:40,724 --> 00:10:42,475
Bye-bye, Pookie Petal. Love you, mwah!

210
00:10:44,645 --> 00:10:48,105
Oh, and Jay? If you're gonna spend
your grandad's money chasing skirt,

211
00:10:48,232 --> 00:10:52,151
two things. One, make sure she's not
a hound like the last one.

212
00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:56,447
And two, try to be a man when she dumps
you for someone with a bigger cock...

213
00:10:57,658 --> 00:11:01,369
...which is everyone! (LAUGHS)

214
00:11:01,495 --> 00:11:02,328
Dad!

215
00:11:02,454 --> 00:11:05,456
WILL: Dads are like arseholes.
Everyone's got one, yes,

216
00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:09,085
but also, they're arseholes. Which is why
they make excellent cab drivers.

217
00:11:09,211 --> 00:11:11,379
Takes me back, all this -
cheap flights at ungodly hours.

218
00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:14,006
Where is it you're headed to again?
Simon never tells me anything.

219
00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:16,551
- Malia, Mr Cooper, in Greece.
- Can't say I've heard of it.

220
00:11:16,677 --> 00:11:18,219
Of course you haven't,
it's a cool place to go.

221
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:19,762
And it's got a Subways.

222
00:11:19,888 --> 00:11:21,931
Oh, right. In my day,
it was all about Spain.

223
00:11:22,057 --> 00:11:24,183
Me and my mates went to Magaluf
this one time.

224
00:11:24,309 --> 00:11:26,686
- Shagaluf, we called it!
- (NEIL LAUGHS)

225
00:11:26,812 --> 00:11:30,606
Should've called it Shagalot. And hard.
Anything that moved.

226
00:11:30,732 --> 00:11:32,441
We had a system.

227
00:11:32,568 --> 00:11:34,610
Always left a hat on the bedroom door
when one of us got lucky.

228
00:11:34,736 --> 00:11:36,153
Was usually me.

229
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:37,321
Oh, Dad, please shut up!

230
00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:38,406
I don't know what it is,

231
00:11:38,532 --> 00:11:40,992
but you'll find girls just seem to let
themselves go a bit more abroad.

232
00:11:41,118 --> 00:11:44,036
It's like as soon as they smell
the sun cream, they get wet.

233
00:11:44,162 --> 00:11:47,248
- Your mother's the same, even now.
- Oh, God, just drop us here!

234
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:49,417
WILL: I was learning a lot about holidays.

235
00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:52,044
And not just what they did
to Mrs Cooper's front bottom.

236
00:11:52,171 --> 00:11:54,338
I was also learning
that on a lads' holiday,

237
00:11:54,464 --> 00:11:56,841
it's compulsory to wear
"hilarious" matching T-shirts.

238
00:11:56,967 --> 00:11:58,467
Here y'are.

239
00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:01,679
Nice!

240
00:12:01,805 --> 00:12:05,349
Right, you owe me 12 quid each.
Except for you, Will, you owe me 20.

241
00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:06,893
What?! Why?

242
00:12:07,019 --> 00:12:08,769
Cos I had to bung the bloke
a few extra quid for him to make it.

243
00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:11,564
Right, so I've got to pay more money
for a T-shirt I didn't ask for

244
00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:13,983
and I'm not going to wear, cos it carries
a nickname I didn't know I had?

245
00:12:14,109 --> 00:12:15,276
- Yes.
- Great(!)

246
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:16,903
(LAUGHING)

247
00:12:19,573 --> 00:12:22,617
# Come on, come on, come on, come on

248
00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:25,578
# Got my peeps standing with me
at the bar doing shots

249
00:12:25,704 --> 00:12:28,539
# Cos now we're so fucking plastered
we don't know when to stop

250
00:12:28,665 --> 00:12:31,626
# I got my peeps standing with me
and I'm having a blast

251
00:12:31,752 --> 00:12:34,629
# I'm feeling so fucking good right now
I want it to last

252
00:12:34,755 --> 00:12:37,340
# I'm at the bar and I see this chick
checking me out

253
00:12:37,466 --> 00:12:40,676
# From afar, yes, she wants my dick
There ain't a doubt

254
00:12:40,802 --> 00:12:43,721
# Now I'm in a lift, getting lips
How dumb is this girl?

255
00:12:43,847 --> 00:12:48,226
# But do I care? Do I fuck!
I'm on a roll! Yo! #

256
00:12:48,352 --> 00:12:50,186
Malia flight?

257
00:12:50,312 --> 00:12:51,354
Yep.

258
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:52,647
Delay, seven hours.

259
00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:56,317
And please remove those T-shirts,
or we won't allow you to board the plane.

260
00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:09,789
WILL: Despite Neil offering - twice -
they didn't let him drive the plane.

261
00:13:09,915 --> 00:13:12,541
Finally, though, we'd made it on holiday,

262
00:13:12,668 --> 00:13:16,128
and Jay's thoughts on the beautiful isle
of Crete, birthplace of Zeus,

263
00:13:16,255 --> 00:13:17,713
were as insightful as ever.

264
00:13:20,592 --> 00:13:22,885
- I'm hot.
- It is well hot.

265
00:13:23,011 --> 00:13:24,470
- Might be too hot.
- Might be.

266
00:13:24,596 --> 00:13:26,055
- (CAR HORN BLARES)
- Oh!

267
00:13:30,602 --> 00:13:32,895
Carli! Carli!

268
00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:33,980
Carls!

269
00:13:35,941 --> 00:13:37,108
Oh.

270
00:13:37,234 --> 00:13:38,859
Sorry.

271
00:13:41,238 --> 00:13:43,197
(BUZZ OF CONVERSATION)

272
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:44,323
Oi, Jay, Jay...

273
00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:45,908
Tidy minge, ten o'clock.

274
00:13:47,536 --> 00:13:49,453
Jay? Jay!

275
00:13:49,580 --> 00:13:51,789
Didn't you see them girls?

276
00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:53,082
Why don't you chirps 'em?

277
00:13:53,208 --> 00:13:55,960
- I can't handle that many at once, Neil.
- Really? What about that netball team?

278
00:13:56,086 --> 00:13:59,338
Yeah, that was all right,
cos that was a luxury caravan.

279
00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:00,923
But this coach is way too small
for my moves.

280
00:14:01,049 --> 00:14:02,466
Ah, course.

281
00:14:02,593 --> 00:14:05,177
Right, so, the plan is
get to the apartment, unpack,

282
00:14:05,304 --> 00:14:06,888
get some sleep,
then head out fresh tomorrow.

283
00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:09,682
First up, the Minoan Palace at Knossos.

284
00:14:09,808 --> 00:14:11,142
JAY: Have you come on a lads' holiday
by mistake?!

285
00:14:11,268 --> 00:14:14,270
We haven't come halfway round the world to
look at some boring fucking Greek ruins.

286
00:14:14,396 --> 00:14:16,272
Yeah, you can see that shit anywhere.

287
00:14:16,398 --> 00:14:20,151
We go there, drop the bags off,
then go straight out and get spasticated.

288
00:14:20,277 --> 00:14:21,402
Simples.

289
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,195
But I've not slept for 37 hours.

290
00:14:23,322 --> 00:14:25,364
Shut up and try and get
some sleep on here, then.

291
00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:27,199
Fine, good idea.

292
00:14:27,326 --> 00:14:32,079
- (ENGINE STARTS)
- # We love you Burnley, we do

293
00:14:32,206 --> 00:14:34,373
# We love you Burnley, we do

294
00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:39,253
# We love you Burnley, we do
Oh, Burnley, we love you!

295
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,839
- # Oh, Burn-a-ley
- # Oh, Burn-a-ley

296
00:14:41,965 --> 00:14:44,967
- # Is wonderful
- # Oh, Burn-a-ley is wonderful... #

297
00:14:46,303 --> 00:14:49,430
# Can you hear the Preston sing?
I can't hear a fucking thing... #

298
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:52,975
WILL: When people ask me if I like
football, I say yes. I do like football.

299
00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:54,644
But not Burnley.

300
00:14:54,770 --> 00:14:56,729
Burnley can fuck off.

301
00:14:56,855 --> 00:14:58,314
# Come on, Burnley! #

302
00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:02,693
# Oh, Burn-a-ley is wonderful! #

303
00:15:11,620 --> 00:15:13,037
WILL: It was a tense moment.

304
00:15:13,163 --> 00:15:15,915
Someone was obviously staying here.

305
00:15:16,041 --> 00:15:19,085
Right, then, McKenzie party.
This is you.

306
00:15:19,211 --> 00:15:20,419
(BURNLEY FANS CHEERING)

307
00:15:20,546 --> 00:15:23,756
Good one, fellas! Don't worry,
it'll look nice when it's finished.

308
00:15:23,882 --> 00:15:26,551
- # Oh, Burn-a-ley!
- # Oh, Burn-a-ley! #

309
00:15:26,677 --> 00:15:28,803
# Is wonderful... #

310
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,474
This don't look like the pictures.

311
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,685
WILL: I still don't know how the dog died.

312
00:15:35,811 --> 00:15:39,063
I can only presume it threw itself
in the well, rather than stay here.

313
00:15:39,189 --> 00:15:41,232
You Willy?

314
00:15:41,358 --> 00:15:42,733
Yes.

315
00:15:42,860 --> 00:15:45,027
Your key. You have fun.

316
00:15:45,153 --> 00:15:46,612
But not too much fun.

317
00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:49,824
You shit on floor - 50 euro fine.

318
00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:51,033
Each time!

319
00:15:57,833 --> 00:15:59,458
All right, lads!

320
00:15:59,585 --> 00:16:01,836
- Are you stopping here?
- Yes. We are.

321
00:16:01,962 --> 00:16:03,796
Bad luck. I've just come back
from Afghanistan,

322
00:16:03,922 --> 00:16:05,965
and conditions there
are better than this shithole.

323
00:16:06,091 --> 00:16:08,342
I can't wait to get back to lying
in a dusty trench,

324
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:11,012
being shot at by some raghead.
Are you married?

325
00:16:11,138 --> 00:16:13,222
- No.
- Don't get married.

326
00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:15,433
The wife booked this, but somehow,
it's my fucking fault.

327
00:16:15,559 --> 00:16:19,437
Anyway, pop down for a beer if you fancy.
I'll see youse later.

328
00:16:19,563 --> 00:16:20,897
Hey!

329
00:16:21,023 --> 00:16:22,231
You owe me 50 euros!

330
00:16:29,072 --> 00:16:30,865
WILL: As we entered our new home,
wondering

331
00:16:30,991 --> 00:16:32,533
if our human rights
had been breached,

332
00:16:32,659 --> 00:16:34,493
I couldn't help thinking
a shit on the floor

333
00:16:34,620 --> 00:16:36,996
might have
cheered the place up a bit.

334
00:16:44,755 --> 00:16:46,714
- JAY AND NEIL: Shotgun this room!
- Shotgun the sofa bed!

335
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,090
Well, where am I gonna sleep then?!

336
00:16:48,217 --> 00:16:50,843
Not really my problem.

337
00:16:50,969 --> 00:16:52,887
What's that? Is that the bath?

338
00:16:53,013 --> 00:16:56,390
Course it's not the bath,
you fucking idiot. There's the bath!

339
00:16:56,517 --> 00:16:58,100
That's the...kids' toilet.

340
00:16:58,227 --> 00:16:59,352
- Is it?
- Yes!

341
00:16:59,478 --> 00:17:01,354
Why's it got a plughole and a tap, then?

342
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:03,689
Cos it's for checking your kid's shit
before you flush it.

343
00:17:03,815 --> 00:17:05,483
- Urgh, that's grim!
- Yeah, I know.

344
00:17:05,609 --> 00:17:07,818
That's the Continentals, innit?
They're dirty.

345
00:17:07,945 --> 00:17:10,029
See? That looks nice!

346
00:17:10,155 --> 00:17:12,823
I'm not sleeping in a fucking bathtub
for two weeks, Simon!

347
00:17:12,950 --> 00:17:14,242
We'll have to share the sofa bed.

348
00:17:14,368 --> 00:17:15,493
(HIGH-PITCHED) Ooh, 'ello!

349
00:17:15,619 --> 00:17:19,497
Right, well, while you two decide
who gets first go on each other's cocks,

350
00:17:19,623 --> 00:17:20,998
I'm getting ready and getting out there.

351
00:17:21,124 --> 00:17:22,667
The gash isn't gonna fuck itself,
you know.

352
00:17:22,793 --> 00:17:24,794
Charming(!)

353
00:17:44,398 --> 00:17:46,440
(JAY SCREAMS)

354
00:17:58,871 --> 00:18:03,374
WILL: Finally, smelling like an industrial
accident at the Lynx factory,

355
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:06,961
and looking like the world's
shittest boy band, we hit the town.

356
00:18:09,464 --> 00:18:11,173
- Ooh, heads down, boys.
- NEIL: Shit.

357
00:18:11,300 --> 00:18:14,176
What? Why? We haven't done anything!

358
00:18:14,303 --> 00:18:16,304
- Foreign police, innit?
- So?

359
00:18:16,430 --> 00:18:17,930
Don't you even know about foreign police?

360
00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:19,932
What, short-sleeved uniforms?
Chunkier truncheons?

361
00:18:20,058 --> 00:18:22,685
- Oh, fucking hell!
- Mate, they're all corrupt.

362
00:18:22,811 --> 00:18:26,272
Basically, if you misbehave
and don't have the money to bribe 'em,

363
00:18:26,398 --> 00:18:27,899
they take you up
to these shepherds' huts in the hills

364
00:18:28,025 --> 00:18:29,734
beat you up and bum ya.

365
00:18:29,860 --> 00:18:31,527
And if they don't kill ya,
you kill yourself,

366
00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:33,988
cos of the shame of getting a boner
whilst you was being bummed.

367
00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:36,991
Right, couple of things. Firstly,
the hills here are full of timeshares,

368
00:18:37,117 --> 00:18:38,367
not deserted shepherds' huts.

369
00:18:38,493 --> 00:18:41,454
Secondly, Crete's in the EU,
so I think the standard of policing

370
00:18:41,580 --> 00:18:43,623
probably goes beyond bumming
and forced suicide.

371
00:18:43,749 --> 00:18:46,876
Believe what you want. I'm keeping
a bribe up my arse just in case.

372
00:18:47,002 --> 00:18:50,254
You're gonna spend the whole holiday with
20 euros rolled up inside your arsehole?

373
00:18:50,380 --> 00:18:52,715
It's been up there since
the seatbelt signs went off, mate.

374
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:57,720
All right, lads! Holiday, is it? I'm out
here on my own, having a mental time!

375
00:18:57,846 --> 00:18:59,597
Can I have a beer?

376
00:18:59,723 --> 00:19:01,766
- Oh, here you go, mate.
- No, you can't!

377
00:19:01,892 --> 00:19:03,893
All right, which is it?
You say yes, he says bloody no.

378
00:19:04,019 --> 00:19:07,146
- He's not your boss, is he? Eh?
- Sorry... Do we know you?

379
00:19:07,272 --> 00:19:09,190
Anyways, here's a good one for you, right.

380
00:19:09,316 --> 00:19:12,068
Get a torch and walk along the beach at
night and you get to watch people fucking.

381
00:19:12,194 --> 00:19:15,154
They're all drunk and you get to see
tits and cocks and that.

382
00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:18,824
If you're into cocks.
Which it looks like he is! Ha-ha!

383
00:19:18,951 --> 00:19:21,369
Well, it's been great talking to you,
but we've really got to get a move on.

384
00:19:21,495 --> 00:19:22,912
Can I come round yours for a shower?

385
00:19:23,038 --> 00:19:24,538
Um, no.

386
00:19:24,665 --> 00:19:27,083
No? Cool beans. See you later, lads!

387
00:19:27,209 --> 00:19:29,710
Richard, yeah? Richard!

388
00:19:29,837 --> 00:19:31,963
WILL: Well, Richard was clearly mental.

389
00:19:32,089 --> 00:19:34,882
But, as we were about to discover,
so was everything else here.

390
00:19:39,513 --> 00:19:42,890
# This place about to blow

391
00:19:44,768 --> 00:19:46,519
# Blow

392
00:19:46,645 --> 00:19:50,565
# This place about to blow

393
00:19:52,651 --> 00:19:54,652
# Blow

394
00:19:54,778 --> 00:19:56,904
# This place about to blow

395
00:20:18,594 --> 00:20:20,219
# This place about to blow... #

396
00:20:21,388 --> 00:20:25,224
WILL: While Simon was seeing Carli
everywhere,

397
00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:28,519
- Jay was seeing some very lucky ladies.
- She'd get it.

398
00:20:28,645 --> 00:20:30,271
NEIL: Most definitely!

399
00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:31,772
Oh, and that one. She'd get it!

400
00:20:31,899 --> 00:20:35,276
- And that one! And that one.
- And that one. She'd get it.

401
00:20:35,402 --> 00:20:36,694
Right in the bumholey.

402
00:20:36,820 --> 00:20:38,905
I can't believe I've already got a bird.
Gutted.

403
00:20:39,031 --> 00:20:43,618
So fucking what?! All birds know -
what goes on tour stays on tour.

404
00:20:43,744 --> 00:20:46,078
No, I couldn't do that to Nicole.
I think I love her.

405
00:20:46,205 --> 00:20:48,164
And I never loved anything before
apart from a car or a sandwich.

406
00:20:48,290 --> 00:20:50,791
If the build-up gets too much for you, you
can always borrow one of my johnnies,

407
00:20:50,918 --> 00:20:52,418
have a wank royale.

408
00:20:52,544 --> 00:20:54,170
- Oh, cheers, Jay!
- A what?!

409
00:20:54,296 --> 00:20:56,714
A wank royale. A wank with a johnny on.
It's a bit more expensive,

410
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,382
so I tend to save it
for special occasions.

411
00:20:58,509 --> 00:21:00,343
Birthdays, Christmas,
the Champions League final...

412
00:21:00,469 --> 00:21:02,428
All right, lads!
Are you up for a good time?

413
00:21:02,554 --> 00:21:03,888
Yeah, we're always up for a good time.

414
00:21:04,014 --> 00:21:05,306
We're the Pussay Patrol.

415
00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:06,933
All right. Well, if you really are
the Pussay Patrol...

416
00:21:07,059 --> 00:21:08,809
- Which we are.
- You're obviously going to Marco's.

417
00:21:08,936 --> 00:21:13,231
It's the most buzzing bar out here. Always
packed with a chilled-out, sexy vibe.

418
00:21:13,357 --> 00:21:16,567
- Know what I mean?
- I don't really know what you mean.

419
00:21:16,693 --> 00:21:18,903
When you say "sexy vibe",
do you mean girls?

420
00:21:19,029 --> 00:21:20,071
Course! Loads of girls.

421
00:21:20,197 --> 00:21:23,532
I'll sort you out half-price drinks
and a free fishbowl.

422
00:21:23,659 --> 00:21:25,117
Cool, cool, cool.

423
00:21:25,244 --> 00:21:27,411
So, will you be in there,
with your sexiness,

424
00:21:27,538 --> 00:21:32,375
making the vibe all...sexy?
Being all sexy, and that, sexy?

425
00:21:32,501 --> 00:21:33,876
Say "sexy" more.

426
00:21:34,002 --> 00:21:36,254
Well, I will be if you're gonna be there,
you saucy bugger!

427
00:21:36,380 --> 00:21:38,548
Come on, then!

428
00:21:38,674 --> 00:21:42,343
Here you go, these four. I'll see you
in a bit. Mine's a Bacardi and Coke.

429
00:21:42,469 --> 00:21:43,594
Large one?

430
00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:45,972
Saucy! See you later.

431
00:21:46,098 --> 00:21:48,724
Fucking hell, you're well in there, mate!

432
00:21:48,851 --> 00:21:52,562
Yep! He shoots, he scores.
Right up the vag.

433
00:21:52,688 --> 00:21:54,981
Oh, my God, if she's outside,
imagine the birds inside!

434
00:22:04,741 --> 00:22:07,201
Ah. Interesting.

435
00:22:07,327 --> 00:22:09,161
Well, it must get going a bit later.
She did say it was amazing.

436
00:22:09,288 --> 00:22:11,414
And why would she lie?!

437
00:22:13,417 --> 00:22:17,211
All right, mate. Four pints, four
Jgermeisters and a fishbowl, please.

438
00:22:18,338 --> 00:22:19,463
Hello.

439
00:22:19,590 --> 00:22:22,675
- When it good here?
- Sorry?

440
00:22:22,801 --> 00:22:25,803
Er, when here party good?

441
00:22:25,929 --> 00:22:27,096
Normally about an hour or two?

442
00:22:27,222 --> 00:22:29,432
Oh. Well, as we've paid,
maybe we should hang on, then?

443
00:22:29,558 --> 00:22:30,975
But this year...never.

444
00:22:31,101 --> 00:22:33,102
Thanking you, very much.

445
00:22:33,228 --> 00:22:34,186
OK, let's go.

446
00:22:34,313 --> 00:22:37,023
Fuck off! My bird'll be down in a minute.

447
00:22:37,149 --> 00:22:39,191
You mean the woman who's clearly
on commission to trick people

448
00:22:39,318 --> 00:22:40,276
into this empty bar?

449
00:22:40,402 --> 00:22:42,069
No, I mean the little hottie outside
that I was flirting with.

450
00:22:42,196 --> 00:22:43,195
I'll take that as a yes, then.

451
00:22:43,322 --> 00:22:44,947
I'm going nowhere
till she's sucked me off!

452
00:22:45,073 --> 00:22:47,700
- So, you're going nowhere.
- WILL: Jay, we're on holiday!

453
00:22:47,826 --> 00:22:50,536
I'm meant to be out there, trying to
hit on girls that I think are beneath me,

454
00:22:50,662 --> 00:22:53,247
but who, for their part, won't give me
the time of day! So, let's go!

455
00:22:53,373 --> 00:22:57,168
Ooh! Hello, hello!
It's those little lovelies from the coach!

456
00:22:57,294 --> 00:22:59,462
- That one's not so little.
- I think they're looking at us.

457
00:22:59,588 --> 00:23:02,173
And not in a weird, terrified,
"leave us alone" way. Amazing!

458
00:23:02,299 --> 00:23:03,716
Jay, you're drunkest.
Go over and talk to them.

459
00:23:03,842 --> 00:23:06,802
Nah, not me, mate.
None of them are as fit as my one outside.

460
00:23:06,929 --> 00:23:09,639
Why go for hamburgers,
when you've got steak at home?

461
00:23:09,765 --> 00:23:11,474
If, like you, you have neither anywhere.

462
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,059
It's up to you, then, Si.

463
00:23:13,185 --> 00:23:14,602
Shit, really?
I don't know if I'm over Carli.

464
00:23:14,728 --> 00:23:17,230
Ow! Fuck! Can you stop that?!

465
00:23:17,356 --> 00:23:20,483
Yes, I can. When you stop being
such a pussy about your ex.

466
00:23:20,609 --> 00:23:22,693
It's time to get back
on the horse now, Si.

467
00:23:22,819 --> 00:23:24,445
And those little ponies need feeding.

468
00:23:25,572 --> 00:23:27,365
Feed the pony.

469
00:23:27,491 --> 00:23:30,701
Yeah, OK, I'll introduce us,
but we've all got to go over together.

470
00:23:30,827 --> 00:23:33,287
- Great.
- You fucking sad cases.

471
00:23:33,413 --> 00:23:37,291
You don't just walk up to a girl in a club
and introduce yourself! That's creepy.

472
00:23:37,417 --> 00:23:39,126
Clubs are different rules, you dick.

473
00:23:39,253 --> 00:23:43,089
Look, you dance over near them, make
the eyes, then get 'em to dance with you.

474
00:23:43,215 --> 00:23:44,257
Really?!

475
00:23:44,383 --> 00:23:46,634
- Annoyingly, that does sound right.
- Thank you!

476
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:48,803
And then, after a bit,
you stand up behind them,

477
00:23:48,929 --> 00:23:50,846
pretend to slap 'em
and fuck 'em up the arse.

478
00:23:50,973 --> 00:23:52,848
- That might be a bit much.
- Yeah, I dunno...

479
00:23:52,975 --> 00:23:54,767
Oh, fucking hell, I'll do it.

480
00:23:54,893 --> 00:23:57,186
- What about Nicole?
- It's only dancing, she likes my dancing.

481
00:23:57,312 --> 00:23:58,938
Stick with me, you'll be fine.

482
00:23:59,064 --> 00:24:02,692
Right, then, Si.
Looks like the holiday starts here.

483
00:24:02,818 --> 00:24:06,946
(# YOLANDA BE COOL:
We No Speak Americano)

484
00:24:38,437 --> 00:24:40,146
Am I doing it right? Am I in time?

485
00:24:40,272 --> 00:24:43,149
Maybe a bit out, but not so you'd notice.
Copy Neil.

486
00:25:09,801 --> 00:25:11,385
Sorry. Do you mind
if we come and talk to you?

487
00:25:11,512 --> 00:25:14,513
Cos you look nice and, frankly, this is
just humiliating for everyone involved.

488
00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:16,724
Um...

489
00:25:16,850 --> 00:25:18,809
Sit down, Specs.

490
00:25:22,022 --> 00:25:23,773
Hello. I'm Lucy.

491
00:25:23,899 --> 00:25:27,401
Hi, I'm Diamond... Simon! I'm Simon.

492
00:25:28,946 --> 00:25:30,529
I'd better not get stuck with the fat one.

493
00:25:30,989 --> 00:25:34,367
So, when Alison initially suggested Malia,
we all thought, yeah, why not?

494
00:25:34,493 --> 00:25:36,702
It'll be ironic.
Then we had a reality check

495
00:25:36,828 --> 00:25:39,580
and we thought, do we honestly wanna spend
two weeks somewhere being ironic,

496
00:25:39,706 --> 00:25:42,625
and obviously the answer was no,
so then we looked at other places,

497
00:25:42,751 --> 00:25:47,922
but we realised, actually, we just want to
have a laugh and go clubbing and get drunk

498
00:25:48,048 --> 00:25:51,384
and be silly, and that this might
genuinely be a good place to come,

499
00:25:51,510 --> 00:25:52,677
so fuck it, here we are.

500
00:25:52,803 --> 00:25:56,264
Just so you know, I've met a really
fit bird and she'll be along any minute.

501
00:25:56,390 --> 00:26:00,101
OK. She won't mind you talking to me,
then, will she?

502
00:26:01,270 --> 00:26:03,854
WILL: If our dancing was bad -
and it was bad...

503
00:26:03,981 --> 00:26:06,649
then our small talk was even worse.

504
00:26:17,536 --> 00:26:20,329
Sorry, will you excuse us a moment?

505
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:25,001
- What's going on?
- What do you mean?!

506
00:26:25,127 --> 00:26:27,044
What do you think I mean?!
Why aren't you talking to the girls?

507
00:26:27,171 --> 00:26:30,006
I get, like, words making sounds
in my head, but they don't come out.

508
00:26:30,132 --> 00:26:34,844
Well, that's easy to fix. Just say them!
Move your mouth and say them!

509
00:26:34,970 --> 00:26:37,054
Well, I can't pork any of them anyways,
cos of Nicole.

510
00:26:37,181 --> 00:26:38,764
But it would be nice to make a connection,

511
00:26:38,891 --> 00:26:41,350
like on them TV shows,
when people make a connection.

512
00:26:41,476 --> 00:26:42,393
Oh, this is hopeless.

513
00:26:42,519 --> 00:26:45,021
Well, I don't exactly see you
charming your way into their knickers.

514
00:26:45,147 --> 00:26:47,815
I just danced for the first time
in my life!

515
00:26:47,941 --> 00:26:49,025
It's hard to know what to follow up with.

516
00:26:49,151 --> 00:26:51,819
Maybe you could pretend to not have
the personality you've got.

517
00:26:51,945 --> 00:26:52,987
Like...pretend to be someone cool.

518
00:26:53,113 --> 00:26:54,989
Thanks, Simon. Thank you. Big help(!)

519
00:26:55,115 --> 00:26:56,616
Yeah. Actually,
it's probably best you don't even try.

520
00:26:56,742 --> 00:26:59,744
No, I am going to try.
If anything, I'm gonna try too hard.

521
00:26:59,870 --> 00:27:01,120
She is well out of your league.

522
00:27:01,246 --> 00:27:03,414
Like well, well, well out of your league.

523
00:27:03,540 --> 00:27:05,625
So? All girls I like are out of my league.

524
00:27:05,751 --> 00:27:08,544
What's the point of going for girls
in my league?

525
00:27:08,670 --> 00:27:10,504
Look at me! Imagine my league!

526
00:27:18,889 --> 00:27:20,056
Oh, God.

527
00:27:20,182 --> 00:27:22,225
Er, Jay, mate?
I think you missed the toilet.

528
00:27:22,351 --> 00:27:23,851
Are you saying I can't hold my drink?

529
00:27:23,977 --> 00:27:26,479
You are pissing your drink
all over the floor.

530
00:27:26,605 --> 00:27:31,234
So? It's still the toilet.
This whole room's the toilet.

531
00:27:32,361 --> 00:27:35,279
Neil? Can you chuck me a paper towel?

532
00:27:35,405 --> 00:27:38,449
Ah! Wipe the drip from my knob.

533
00:27:40,452 --> 00:27:42,453
Birds don't like it when it tastes pissy.

534
00:27:45,332 --> 00:27:48,501
OK, come on, guys. We've done
the hard bit. Let's not fuck this up.

535
00:27:48,627 --> 00:27:50,044
I just can't think of what to say!

536
00:27:50,170 --> 00:27:52,713
Just talk about something you love.
Something you're passionate about.

537
00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:57,343
Right. Oh, cool. Got it.
I know exactly what to say.

538
00:27:57,469 --> 00:27:58,427
It's pretty devastating,

539
00:27:58,554 --> 00:28:00,471
cos she's definitely
the most beautiful girl I've ever met.

540
00:28:00,597 --> 00:28:03,474
She's so fascinating.
She's really funny, you know?

541
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:06,102
Oh, right. In what sort of way?

542
00:28:06,228 --> 00:28:08,229
Just like... You know when something's
funny and people get it?

543
00:28:08,355 --> 00:28:09,647
Yes.

544
00:28:09,773 --> 00:28:12,692
So, in that way.
And, also, in a comedy way.

545
00:28:15,404 --> 00:28:19,198
WILL: Neil was a man of few words,
but even for him, this was ridiculous.

546
00:28:23,120 --> 00:28:24,954
Not that I was faring
that much better myself.

547
00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:28,541
So, do this place hire you out as
some sort of avant-garde dance troupe

548
00:28:28,667 --> 00:28:29,959
to scare the customers off?

549
00:28:30,085 --> 00:28:33,087
No. I lost my mind and agreed to come here
on holiday. What's your excuse?

550
00:28:33,213 --> 00:28:34,547
Sort of similar.

551
00:28:34,673 --> 00:28:37,383
I came out here earlier this summer and
fell crazy in love with a gorgeous local,

552
00:28:37,509 --> 00:28:40,177
- so now I'm back.
- Hilarious. Course you did.

553
00:28:40,304 --> 00:28:41,637
What was he, a barman or a waiter?

554
00:28:41,763 --> 00:28:44,098
- Waiter.
- Brilliant. Was he called Stavros?

555
00:28:44,224 --> 00:28:46,142
- Nicos.
- Too good.

556
00:28:46,268 --> 00:28:47,435
I bet he's different to all the boys
back home!

557
00:28:47,561 --> 00:28:49,979
Yeah. He understands women, for one.

558
00:28:50,105 --> 00:28:51,772
I'm sure he does.
Must get enough practice.

559
00:28:51,899 --> 00:28:54,317
WILL: Not only had Jay not offered
to buy Jane a drink,

560
00:28:54,443 --> 00:28:56,652
he'd now stopped paying for his own.

561
00:28:56,778 --> 00:28:58,946
Meanwhile, Simon was on a roll.

562
00:28:59,072 --> 00:29:02,199
So then Carli said we needed some space.
And uni's coming up,

563
00:29:02,326 --> 00:29:05,077
- so maybe she's right.
- Sorry, who's right?

564
00:29:05,204 --> 00:29:06,245
- Carli?
- Who?

565
00:29:06,371 --> 00:29:07,330
Carli, my ex?

566
00:29:07,456 --> 00:29:11,083
You went out with a girl called Carli?
You should've said(!)

567
00:29:11,210 --> 00:29:14,086
What? I did!
That's all I've been talking about.

568
00:29:14,213 --> 00:29:16,214
Oh!

569
00:29:16,340 --> 00:29:18,341
Yes, I was joking!

570
00:29:18,467 --> 00:29:21,594
Sorry for going on about her. I usually
get a smack in the balls to stop me.

571
00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:22,803
What?!

572
00:29:22,930 --> 00:29:24,138
Um, nothing.

573
00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:30,978
WILL: Meanwhile,
Neil had a trump card to play.

574
00:29:31,104 --> 00:29:33,272
Do you want to dance?

575
00:29:41,281 --> 00:29:43,407
WILL: Meanwhile,
Alison didn't seem to be enjoying

576
00:29:43,534 --> 00:29:45,117
my hilarious Greek waiter impression.

577
00:29:45,244 --> 00:29:48,663
So, I presume he wooed you with the old,
"Hh'I love you, hh'I love you!

578
00:29:48,789 --> 00:29:52,917
"You hh'only girl for me!
There's no hh'other girl hh'in my life!

579
00:29:53,043 --> 00:29:55,545
"Oh, wait, here comes the next plane
from Newcastle. I've gotta go, baby."

580
00:29:55,671 --> 00:29:58,381
Sorry, you do realise
I'm not playing along with the joke.

581
00:29:58,507 --> 00:30:01,300
I do genuinely have a Greek waiter
boyfriend called Nicos.

582
00:30:01,426 --> 00:30:02,718
No, of course you do.

583
00:30:02,845 --> 00:30:06,597
Brilliant. Nicos.
You've really nailed the clichs.

584
00:30:11,395 --> 00:30:14,355
- You are joking, aren't you?
- No.

585
00:30:15,524 --> 00:30:19,151
His grandmother has a moustache as well,
if that makes the stereotype even funnier.

586
00:30:19,278 --> 00:30:22,530
I'm sorry. I'm sure he's not like
every other waiter out here.

587
00:30:22,656 --> 00:30:24,407
It's fine. You don't know
what you're talking about.

588
00:30:24,533 --> 00:30:26,617
Your accent was pretty good, though.

589
00:30:26,743 --> 00:30:30,037
Oh, I've gotta go. Don't want to miss
my stereotypical Greek boyfriend.

590
00:30:30,163 --> 00:30:31,455
He might get angry and smash some plates.

591
00:30:31,582 --> 00:30:33,666
Or commit atrocities in Anatolia.

592
00:30:34,793 --> 00:30:36,294
You're not normal, are you?

593
00:30:42,593 --> 00:30:45,887
You all right, Lise?
Where's that bloke you were dancing with?

594
00:30:46,013 --> 00:30:51,934
# I've got nothing but love for you

595
00:30:52,060 --> 00:30:55,021
# I've got nothing but love for you... #

596
00:30:55,147 --> 00:30:57,857
Luce, we should go. Nicos finishes soon,
and I don't want to miss him.

597
00:30:57,983 --> 00:31:00,902
So, shall we all hang out again sometime?

598
00:31:01,028 --> 00:31:03,905
Yeah. You lot don't seem too bad.

599
00:31:04,031 --> 00:31:07,825
If I hear another bloke out here
refer to women as "gash", I'll scream.

600
00:31:07,951 --> 00:31:13,164
- Yeah. No, that is horrible. Really bad.
- It's awful when men do that. Disgusting.

601
00:31:13,290 --> 00:31:16,083
Do you fancy coming to the all-day
boat party, Friday?

602
00:31:16,210 --> 00:31:19,587
I know it's meant to be sold out, but
our rep reckons he can still get tickets.

603
00:31:19,713 --> 00:31:21,380
All-day boat party - what's that?

604
00:31:22,925 --> 00:31:24,175
Well, it's a party.

605
00:31:24,301 --> 00:31:25,426
OK.

606
00:31:25,552 --> 00:31:27,428
- All day.
- Yep.

607
00:31:27,554 --> 00:31:31,182
- On a boat.
- Oh, right.

608
00:31:32,309 --> 00:31:35,311
Well! Now that's been cleared up,
we should go.

609
00:31:35,437 --> 00:31:36,979
See you later, Will.

610
00:31:38,982 --> 00:31:40,191
Amazing.

611
00:31:40,317 --> 00:31:43,402
Do you realise, we just danced over,
chatted up some girls,

612
00:31:43,529 --> 00:31:45,154
they loved it and you didn't fuck it up!

613
00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:46,864
- Me?!
- Are we players?

614
00:31:46,990 --> 00:31:50,952
I'm starting to think that here, unlike
at home, we might actually be players.

615
00:31:51,078 --> 00:31:53,913
Maybe. I'm not really sure
what that means.

616
00:31:54,039 --> 00:31:56,499
However, cos I've not slept now
for two days, I'm going to bed.

617
00:31:56,625 --> 00:31:57,959
Yeah. My eyeballs feel like
they've got paper cuts.

618
00:31:58,085 --> 00:32:00,545
- Jay, are you coming?
- Fuck that!

619
00:32:00,671 --> 00:32:02,463
There's a fit bird up there
who's so wet for me,

620
00:32:02,589 --> 00:32:04,215
I can hear the waves breaking
in her fanny.

621
00:32:04,341 --> 00:32:07,468
I'm gonna down this, then take her down
the beach and fuck her brains out.

622
00:32:07,594 --> 00:32:10,012
Right, well, we've established
that isn't happening.

623
00:32:10,138 --> 00:32:13,057
Fine. Watch me.

624
00:32:15,394 --> 00:32:16,852
Mm. Classy(!)

625
00:32:16,979 --> 00:32:18,771
We'd better get Neil.

626
00:32:20,232 --> 00:32:24,527
- Neil...?
- Oh, God! We're off.

627
00:32:24,653 --> 00:32:26,195
Right. Won't be a minute,
I'll just finish up here.

628
00:32:26,321 --> 00:32:28,030
Christ, Neil, what about Nicole?

629
00:32:28,156 --> 00:32:29,740
Oh, she won't mind, we're not kissing.

630
00:32:29,867 --> 00:32:32,660
Nah. It's just fingers, in't it, lover?

631
00:32:32,786 --> 00:32:34,078
Right.

632
00:32:34,204 --> 00:32:35,997
Yeah. I'll catch you lot up. One second.

633
00:32:37,416 --> 00:32:38,958
He's definitely picked up the pace.

634
00:32:40,085 --> 00:32:42,128
WILL: While Neil picked up
his finger-banging speed,

635
00:32:42,254 --> 00:32:45,423
we picked up Jay - and he had
a chilling prediction to share with us.

636
00:32:45,549 --> 00:32:48,175
She's gonna suck my knob-knob dry.
You watch.

637
00:32:48,302 --> 00:32:50,469
I'd rather not watch,
if it's all the same to you.

638
00:32:50,596 --> 00:32:51,929
Shit, is that Carli?

639
00:32:52,055 --> 00:32:54,473
Look, Si, it's normal
that after a break-up,

640
00:32:54,600 --> 00:32:57,685
you'll think you see her everywhere,
but she's not here.

641
00:32:57,811 --> 00:32:59,228
Yeah. I suppose.

642
00:32:59,354 --> 00:33:01,230
- Could be her.
- What?

643
00:33:01,356 --> 00:33:03,149
Could be her.
She is out here at the moment.

644
00:33:03,275 --> 00:33:04,400
What?!

645
00:33:04,526 --> 00:33:06,611
Well, we weren't sure where
the best place to go was,

646
00:33:06,737 --> 00:33:09,196
and her and her mates are pretty cool,
so I asked them where they was going

647
00:33:09,323 --> 00:33:10,573
and when, and that's why I booked Malia.

648
00:33:10,699 --> 00:33:13,117
You fucking idiot!
I came away to try and get over her!

649
00:33:13,243 --> 00:33:15,119
- Did ya?
- You know I did!

650
00:33:15,245 --> 00:33:16,662
Oh, yeah, course.

651
00:33:18,290 --> 00:33:20,249
Oh, God, look at her.

652
00:33:21,335 --> 00:33:24,670
Do you think this is fate?
Her being here, me being here.

653
00:33:24,796 --> 00:33:26,339
No. I think Neil asked her
where she was going

654
00:33:26,465 --> 00:33:28,174
and then booked the same place,
like he just said.

655
00:33:28,300 --> 00:33:29,717
Let's go before she sees us!

656
00:33:29,843 --> 00:33:31,219
No, no. I've got to go and talk to her.

657
00:33:31,345 --> 00:33:34,013
If there's even the slightest chance
of us getting back together,

658
00:33:34,139 --> 00:33:35,181
I've got to take it.

659
00:33:35,307 --> 00:33:36,766
Carli!

660
00:33:36,892 --> 00:33:37,934
Carli?

661
00:33:38,060 --> 00:33:39,018
Simon?!

662
00:33:39,144 --> 00:33:40,561
Oh, my God! What are you doing here?

663
00:33:40,687 --> 00:33:42,146
Stalking you abroad.

664
00:33:42,272 --> 00:33:44,690
No. The opposite, actually.
Just a mix-up by my friends.

665
00:33:44,816 --> 00:33:46,943
My stupid fucking idiot friends.

666
00:33:47,069 --> 00:33:48,819
Well, whatever. It's great to see you.

667
00:33:48,946 --> 00:33:50,071
Is it?!

668
00:33:50,197 --> 00:33:51,489
Yeah, it is. Course.

669
00:33:51,615 --> 00:33:53,699
Course.

670
00:33:53,825 --> 00:33:57,286
So, as we're here, why don't we hang out?
How about right now?

671
00:33:57,412 --> 00:34:00,957
Now? Oh, I can't now. But you'll be
at the boat party on Friday, right?

672
00:34:01,083 --> 00:34:04,627
The boat party? I was literally
just talking about the boat party.

673
00:34:04,753 --> 00:34:06,921
It's gonna be amazing. The best way
to round off our holiday.

674
00:34:07,047 --> 00:34:09,799
What? Why are you going? Don't go.

675
00:34:09,925 --> 00:34:11,801
I've got to go.
My flight leaves on Saturday.

676
00:34:11,927 --> 00:34:13,761
The boat's our last chance to party.

677
00:34:13,887 --> 00:34:15,972
Right. Well, I'll definitely be there,
then.

678
00:34:16,098 --> 00:34:17,932
For total, one million per cent.
Definitely.

679
00:34:18,058 --> 00:34:19,934
Cool. It'll be great to hang out again.

680
00:34:20,060 --> 00:34:21,394
- I've missed you.
- Hmm?

681
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:23,062
Argh, Jesus!

682
00:34:23,188 --> 00:34:25,398
- Fuck it!
- Sorry, mate.

683
00:34:25,524 --> 00:34:30,611
- James! Are you all right, Simon?
- (WHIMPERS) Yeah, fine. Argh!

684
00:34:30,737 --> 00:34:32,446
I'll walk it off.

685
00:34:32,573 --> 00:34:34,740
Cool, yeah. Carls, come on,
we've gotta go.

686
00:34:34,867 --> 00:34:36,158
Oh, do you two know each other?

687
00:34:36,285 --> 00:34:37,368
Yeah, James is our rep.

688
00:34:37,494 --> 00:34:41,706
Rep, unofficial rep. I sort out club
nights. A bit of party organising, PR...

689
00:34:41,832 --> 00:34:45,293
Just make sure everyone's having
a good time, you know what I mean?

690
00:34:45,419 --> 00:34:47,962
- Are you sure you're all right, mate?
- All good...

691
00:34:48,088 --> 00:34:50,172
Cool. Carls, come on.

692
00:34:52,968 --> 00:34:54,760
Bye, Simon. See you on the boat.

693
00:34:54,887 --> 00:34:57,597
See you, mate. Mind that leg.

694
00:35:01,518 --> 00:35:03,269
I'll sort you out a free fishbowl.

695
00:35:03,395 --> 00:35:04,604
Oi, baby, you stood me up!

696
00:35:04,730 --> 00:35:06,814
Ah, didn't wait long enough, sweetheart.

697
00:35:06,940 --> 00:35:08,232
Come on, kiss me.

698
00:35:08,358 --> 00:35:09,567
I'm working, darling.

699
00:35:09,693 --> 00:35:11,444
I love your boobs.

700
00:35:11,570 --> 00:35:12,653
What?!

701
00:35:12,779 --> 00:35:14,614
What gives you the right to touch me,
you fucking prick?

702
00:35:14,740 --> 00:35:15,698
Wha...?

703
00:35:15,824 --> 00:35:17,783
Sorry, I think he might've had
a little too much of the old drink.

704
00:35:17,910 --> 00:35:20,828
I am sick of every dickhead
thinking he's got touching rights,

705
00:35:20,954 --> 00:35:24,540
just cos I smiled at him.
It's my fucking job, you cretin!

706
00:35:24,666 --> 00:35:25,750
Are you on the blob?

707
00:35:28,045 --> 00:35:29,754
Sexy. I like it.

708
00:35:29,880 --> 00:35:33,090
- No, Jay. Time for bed.
- Fuck that!

709
00:35:33,217 --> 00:35:35,593
You two can bum yourselves to death
on the sofa bed.

710
00:35:35,719 --> 00:35:37,762
I'm going to get another drink.

711
00:35:37,888 --> 00:35:39,764
Jay, don't be insane.
You're too drunk already.

712
00:35:39,890 --> 00:35:42,808
I'm on fucking holiday.
You can't be too drunk!

713
00:35:42,935 --> 00:35:45,686
- You coming, Neil?
- Nah, I like it in there.

714
00:35:45,812 --> 00:35:49,482
And not sleeping for two nights is pretty
much the same as not sleeping for one.

715
00:35:49,608 --> 00:35:51,692
Right, fine. Fucking knobheads.

716
00:35:52,736 --> 00:35:53,778
How was your chat?

717
00:35:53,904 --> 00:35:57,698
Amazing. Carli is here, Will. That's what
she was worried about, us being apart.

718
00:35:57,824 --> 00:35:59,492
That's why we split up.

719
00:35:59,618 --> 00:36:01,077
But we're not apart,
because we're both here.

720
00:36:01,203 --> 00:36:02,662
I just need to get on that boat.

721
00:36:02,788 --> 00:36:05,706
Actually, can one of youse help me?
I think she might be a two-man job.

722
00:36:10,879 --> 00:36:13,256
What happened to your leg?

723
00:36:13,382 --> 00:36:15,758
- Oh, I got a little bit run over.
- "A little bit run over"?!

724
00:36:19,263 --> 00:36:21,305
(WHOOPING)

725
00:36:21,431 --> 00:36:23,683
WILL: The next morning, I was woken up

726
00:36:23,809 --> 00:36:27,520
by what sounded like
Bigfoot having an asthma attack.

727
00:36:27,646 --> 00:36:29,021
(WHOOPING)

728
00:36:29,147 --> 00:36:31,232
Simon...

729
00:36:31,358 --> 00:36:32,900
Simon!

730
00:36:33,026 --> 00:36:35,486
Christ, it's like a sauna in here.

731
00:36:35,612 --> 00:36:37,321
Have you got any water?

732
00:36:37,447 --> 00:36:38,906
(WHOOPING CONTINUES)

733
00:36:39,032 --> 00:36:40,825
What the fuck is that noise?

734
00:36:40,951 --> 00:36:42,451
I think it's Neil.

735
00:36:42,578 --> 00:36:44,954
Oh, no, not the dinner lady
from last night!

736
00:36:45,080 --> 00:36:47,498
NEIL: I cannot understand a thing you say.

737
00:36:47,624 --> 00:36:49,750
WOMAN: Spunk all over me bastard tits.

738
00:36:49,877 --> 00:36:52,295
Well, it's her or Johnny Vegas.

739
00:36:52,421 --> 00:36:56,257
WOMAN: Fucking smack it!
Smack it, you little prick!

740
00:36:56,383 --> 00:36:58,634
- WOMAN: Is that all you've got?
- NEIL: Shall I bite it?

741
00:36:58,760 --> 00:36:59,719
Interesting question.

742
00:36:59,845 --> 00:37:01,637
This is beyond creepy.

743
00:37:01,763 --> 00:37:04,640
WOMAN: Twist it right fookin' off!

744
00:37:04,766 --> 00:37:06,350
OK, I'm getting out of here!

745
00:37:06,476 --> 00:37:08,311
WOMAN: Harder!

746
00:37:08,437 --> 00:37:11,063
How can I have spent 100 euros?

747
00:37:11,190 --> 00:37:14,066
Holy shit, I only budgeted 15 euros a day!

748
00:37:14,193 --> 00:37:16,027
Great, so I spunked all my money

749
00:37:16,153 --> 00:37:17,445
- in one night.
- All right!

750
00:37:17,571 --> 00:37:18,529
Oh, Jesus, Neil!

751
00:37:18,655 --> 00:37:21,991
Oh, don't worry about that.
It's on the way down. Have you seen Jay?

752
00:37:22,117 --> 00:37:23,367
Shit, no. Not since last night.

753
00:37:23,493 --> 00:37:25,828
No, I mean, have you seen him?
He's over there.

754
00:37:31,585 --> 00:37:34,587
(GROANS)

755
00:37:36,131 --> 00:37:38,591
WILL: So Jay had slept
face down in the dirt.

756
00:37:38,717 --> 00:37:41,093
But I'd woken up listening to Neil
getting sucked off.

757
00:37:41,220 --> 00:37:43,346
As far as I was concerned, he won.

758
00:37:44,556 --> 00:37:47,475
Urgh, ohhh!

759
00:37:49,311 --> 00:37:50,269
Face...!

760
00:37:50,395 --> 00:37:51,979
Yeah, you've got something on your face.

761
00:37:53,440 --> 00:37:55,775
It appears Jay's slept in an ants' nest.

762
00:37:55,901 --> 00:37:58,611
Argh! Pain!

763
00:37:58,737 --> 00:38:00,738
Tongue...

764
00:38:03,659 --> 00:38:08,329
It's all right, boys. Kitty don't bite.
Not now she's been fed.

765
00:38:08,455 --> 00:38:10,498
Hey, lover?

766
00:38:15,462 --> 00:38:18,172
What the fuck was that?!

767
00:38:18,298 --> 00:38:21,551
WILL: I'll tell you what does bite,
though. Ants.

768
00:38:21,677 --> 00:38:23,469
...86, 87, 88.

769
00:38:23,595 --> 00:38:25,888
88 fucking bites.

770
00:38:26,014 --> 00:38:29,100
Ooh, sorry. I asked for two poached eggs?

771
00:38:29,226 --> 00:38:30,685
Is poached, look.

772
00:38:30,811 --> 00:38:34,522
No, this is fried. And "an egg", singular.

773
00:38:34,648 --> 00:38:37,316
Yes, poached. I promise with all my heart.

774
00:38:37,442 --> 00:38:41,779
So, you're promising me, with all
your heart, that this is two poached eggs?

775
00:38:41,905 --> 00:38:44,615
Yes. Burger?

776
00:38:44,741 --> 00:38:46,367
Oh, that's mine.

777
00:38:46,493 --> 00:38:49,704
Oi, I'm starving!
Where's my bacon sandwich?

778
00:38:49,830 --> 00:38:52,498
I thought you'd have eaten enough pig
last night...

779
00:38:52,624 --> 00:38:54,625
- Mate, what were you thinking?!
- I dunno.

780
00:38:54,751 --> 00:38:56,544
She was saying all this dirty stuff
and she looked a bit like Will's mum.

781
00:38:56,670 --> 00:38:58,629
- So I thought, why not?
- She did not look like my mum, Neil.

782
00:38:58,755 --> 00:39:00,923
- She did a bit.
- No, she did not.

783
00:39:01,049 --> 00:39:02,884
Bet she did when she had his cock
in her mouth.

784
00:39:03,010 --> 00:39:04,051
- Brilliant(!)
- Don't you feel bad about Nicole?

785
00:39:04,178 --> 00:39:06,762
- Who?
- The girlfriend you just cheated on?

786
00:39:06,889 --> 00:39:09,140
Oh, no, no, cos only the tip went in.

787
00:39:09,266 --> 00:39:12,476
Any more than the tip is cheating, and I
would never do that, cos I've got ethics.

788
00:39:12,603 --> 00:39:15,688
- Right... Well, see you lot later.
- Where are you going?

789
00:39:15,814 --> 00:39:17,899
I'm going to find those girls.
They should be at the hotel.

790
00:39:18,025 --> 00:39:19,901
Lucy said her rep could still get
boat party tickets.

791
00:39:20,027 --> 00:39:22,028
Oh, wow. That's an interesting story(!)

792
00:39:22,154 --> 00:39:25,990
Well, it is, actually, because guess
who's going to be there - Carli.

793
00:39:26,116 --> 00:39:27,158
Ow!

794
00:39:28,535 --> 00:39:30,870
Look, she invited me to the party.
She said she missed me.

795
00:39:30,996 --> 00:39:32,496
There's got to be a chance she's...

796
00:39:32,623 --> 00:39:33,873
On all fours, sucking that bloke off?

797
00:39:33,999 --> 00:39:36,542
No, she wants us to get back together.
What bloke?

798
00:39:36,668 --> 00:39:38,753
Look, you're meant to be here
to forget about Carli.

799
00:39:38,879 --> 00:39:40,087
Argh!

800
00:39:40,214 --> 00:39:42,506
- Not me, Neil!
- I'll help you find them, Si.

801
00:39:42,633 --> 00:39:45,468
They were fun. It'll be good
to see them again. Alison was nice.

802
00:39:45,594 --> 00:39:49,639
Fine, fuck it. I'll help.
Shouldn't be too hard to find.

803
00:39:49,765 --> 00:39:52,016
Probably spot the lard arse
I got stuck with from outer space.

804
00:39:52,142 --> 00:39:53,935
- Neil?
- Can't,

805
00:39:54,061 --> 00:39:55,478
had a nightmare.
I left my trunks in England.

806
00:39:55,604 --> 00:39:57,813
Just wear your Calvins, mate.
They're practically the same.

807
00:39:57,940 --> 00:40:00,608
- Can I, Will?
- Um, yeah, I suppose.

808
00:40:00,734 --> 00:40:03,819
- And can I bring a ball?
- Yes, Neil. Yes, you can.

809
00:40:06,782 --> 00:40:09,742
WILL: Unsurprisingly, the girls' hotel
was nicer than our hotel.

810
00:40:09,868 --> 00:40:13,246
There are North Korean prison camps
which are nicer than our hotel.

811
00:40:13,372 --> 00:40:16,791
But, like a North Korean prison camp, it
was overcrowded, so we had nowhere to sit.

812
00:40:16,917 --> 00:40:19,335
- What about there?
- They've got towels on them, Neil.

813
00:40:19,461 --> 00:40:21,587
- So?
- That means people have bagsied them.

814
00:40:21,713 --> 00:40:23,464
- We can't take those.
- Fuck that!

815
00:40:23,590 --> 00:40:26,634
- No, Jay, we can't!
- Watch me!

816
00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:28,052
It's probably just a load of Krauts

817
00:40:28,178 --> 00:40:30,012
that got down early in the morning
to reserve 'em.

818
00:40:30,138 --> 00:40:31,806
That towel's got Finding Nemo on it.

819
00:40:31,932 --> 00:40:34,183
What, so Nazis can't like Disney too?

820
00:40:35,394 --> 00:40:38,729
- Jay!
- Besides, I really need a lie down.

821
00:40:38,856 --> 00:40:41,107
My head's more fucked
than Neil's dad's arsehole.

822
00:40:41,233 --> 00:40:42,525
Jay, please!

823
00:40:42,651 --> 00:40:44,360
WILL: Jay and Neil were off to,

824
00:40:44,486 --> 00:40:46,904
as they put it,
"check out the chicas".

825
00:40:47,030 --> 00:40:48,698
But I had a serious problem.

826
00:40:48,824 --> 00:40:51,075
In the absence of my mother, or a teacher,

827
00:40:51,201 --> 00:40:52,910
I needed help with my sunblock.

828
00:40:53,036 --> 00:40:54,287
Simon, will you do my back?

829
00:40:54,413 --> 00:40:56,205
- No.
- No?!

830
00:40:56,331 --> 00:40:59,292
- I don't want to touch you.
- Unbelievable.

831
00:40:59,418 --> 00:41:00,835
Fine, I'll do it myself.

832
00:41:08,302 --> 00:41:09,677
Look all right,
I'll do it with one finger.

833
00:41:09,803 --> 00:41:11,470
Thank you.

834
00:41:12,514 --> 00:41:16,392
You've got too much here.
And here. I'll scrape it off.

835
00:41:16,518 --> 00:41:19,312
OK, but don't try and be funny and draw
a cock on my back or something.

836
00:41:19,438 --> 00:41:20,771
No, course not.

837
00:41:23,025 --> 00:41:24,734
Right, all done.

838
00:41:24,860 --> 00:41:27,028
See, that wasn't so bad, was it?

839
00:41:27,154 --> 00:41:29,447
No, that was fine.

840
00:41:29,573 --> 00:41:31,782
WILL: I was really enjoying my book,

841
00:41:31,909 --> 00:41:35,536
blissfully unaware of the crudely drawn
phallus burning itself onto my skin.

842
00:41:35,662 --> 00:41:38,748
Meanwhile, Jay was having trouble
with his emergency funds.

843
00:41:38,874 --> 00:41:41,876
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, it's just that 20 euros.

844
00:41:42,002 --> 00:41:45,338
Ay-oh, Jay, here we go,
we've been spotted.

845
00:41:45,464 --> 00:41:46,756
Seen 'em.

846
00:41:46,882 --> 00:41:47,965
Look cool.

847
00:41:55,015 --> 00:41:57,016
(LAUGHS) Manchester.

848
00:41:58,352 --> 00:41:59,143
Manchester!

849
00:41:59,269 --> 00:42:01,479
- Who's this little twat?
- You from Manchester?

850
00:42:01,605 --> 00:42:02,605
You like Manchester?

851
00:42:02,731 --> 00:42:04,899
- Yeah, yeah. Near Manchester.
- No, you aren't.

852
00:42:05,025 --> 00:42:07,068
Shut up, Neil,
the birds are loving it.

853
00:42:08,195 --> 00:42:11,239
- Goal!
- (LAUGHS) Goal!

854
00:42:11,365 --> 00:42:13,866
Goal to Manchester! Yeah!

855
00:42:13,992 --> 00:42:15,284
No. Manchester, down.

856
00:42:15,410 --> 00:42:17,703
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

857
00:42:17,829 --> 00:42:19,789
Yeah, hilarious.
Now, get out the way.

858
00:42:22,042 --> 00:42:23,042
Whoa!

859
00:42:23,168 --> 00:42:25,753
(LAUGHTER)

860
00:42:29,424 --> 00:42:31,467
Right. You're fucking dead,
you little shit!

861
00:42:32,553 --> 00:42:36,222
Mate, just leave it,
the chicas are looking, just laugh it off.

862
00:42:38,642 --> 00:42:40,101
(FORCED LAUGHING)

863
00:42:56,952 --> 00:42:59,412
No, I'm fine for drinks, thanks.

864
00:42:59,538 --> 00:43:00,663
(CLEARS THROAT)

865
00:43:00,789 --> 00:43:03,040
Oh! Alison. Hello!

866
00:43:03,166 --> 00:43:06,502
Hello. You know you've got
a spunking cock on your back?

867
00:43:06,628 --> 00:43:08,129
What?

868
00:43:08,255 --> 00:43:09,881
Oh, no. Thanks, Simon,

869
00:43:10,007 --> 00:43:12,300
very funny, very mature. So I've been
lying here with a cock on my back, have I?

870
00:43:12,426 --> 00:43:14,010
Not for the first time.

871
00:43:14,136 --> 00:43:17,680
I'll burn a muff on my tit if it makes
you feel less self-conscious.

872
00:43:17,806 --> 00:43:19,265
It would, actually.
We'd make quite the pair.

873
00:43:19,391 --> 00:43:21,350
You've got a really good spot here.

874
00:43:21,476 --> 00:43:23,144
Yes, Jay, um...sort of, um...

875
00:43:23,270 --> 00:43:25,104
Did he use some of his boyish charm?

876
00:43:25,230 --> 00:43:26,647
In a way, yes.

877
00:43:26,773 --> 00:43:29,817
I think I might start drinking again.
Anyone fancy joining me?

878
00:43:29,943 --> 00:43:31,277
Um, yes, I will!

879
00:43:31,403 --> 00:43:32,570
Oh.

880
00:43:32,696 --> 00:43:35,239
Lucky me(!)

881
00:43:37,367 --> 00:43:39,327
Oh, I'm knackered.

882
00:43:39,453 --> 00:43:42,663
- Fishbowl hangover?
- No. Nicos was over last night.

883
00:43:42,789 --> 00:43:44,582
Does not stop talking.

884
00:43:44,708 --> 00:43:46,334
No, we were having sex.

885
00:43:46,460 --> 00:43:48,252
Right.

886
00:43:49,713 --> 00:43:51,380
Sorry, does it make you uncomfortable
when I mention sex?

887
00:43:51,507 --> 00:43:55,092
No! No, it's good,
it's great that you're so...

888
00:43:55,219 --> 00:43:56,636
sexually active.

889
00:43:56,762 --> 00:43:59,513
Yeah, I suppose it is.

890
00:43:59,640 --> 00:44:04,018
- What's the best sex you've had, Will?
- Well, um...hard to say, really.

891
00:44:04,144 --> 00:44:05,394
Come on, you can tell me.

892
00:44:05,521 --> 00:44:07,563
Oh! I don't like to sex and tell.

893
00:44:07,689 --> 00:44:09,482
Don't be boring, just tell me.

894
00:44:10,567 --> 00:44:12,610
Look, I'm going to level with you,

895
00:44:12,736 --> 00:44:15,655
I have never...put my penis in a lady.

896
00:44:15,781 --> 00:44:17,907
That's all right, you're a virgin,
that's cool.

897
00:44:18,033 --> 00:44:20,618
It's definitely not cool.
If anything, it's famously uncool.

898
00:44:20,744 --> 00:44:21,744
Well, it's cute, then.

899
00:44:21,870 --> 00:44:23,329
Oh, God, that's even worse.

900
00:44:23,455 --> 00:44:26,123
- You're funny, Will.
- Well, that's something.

901
00:44:26,250 --> 00:44:28,167
Can I get a girl into bed for sex
just by making her laugh?

902
00:44:28,293 --> 00:44:29,418
Course you can.

903
00:44:29,545 --> 00:44:31,337
Wow! Great.

904
00:44:31,463 --> 00:44:33,422
If she's a clinical moron.

905
00:44:35,342 --> 00:44:37,218
Lucy, it's so amazing to see you.

906
00:44:37,344 --> 00:44:39,804
What a welcome.
Nice to see you too.

907
00:44:39,930 --> 00:44:41,973
Yeah. Good. Now, can you
still get boat party tickets?

908
00:44:42,099 --> 00:44:44,809
I'd have thought so,
I'd just have to go and find the rep.

909
00:44:44,935 --> 00:44:46,143
So are you coming along, then?

910
00:44:46,270 --> 00:44:47,895
Yeah, course. It'll be amazing.

911
00:44:48,021 --> 00:44:48,980
Great.

912
00:44:49,106 --> 00:44:51,023
Cos Carli's here. In Malia.

913
00:44:51,149 --> 00:44:52,275
And she's going to be
on the boat tomorrow.

914
00:44:52,401 --> 00:44:54,569
If I can just get five minutes
alone with her,

915
00:44:54,695 --> 00:44:56,487
I know we'll fix things up, it's fate.

916
00:44:56,613 --> 00:44:59,490
So, can you go and get those tickets?

917
00:44:59,616 --> 00:45:01,951
You really know how
to make a girl feel special, don't you?

918
00:45:02,077 --> 00:45:03,828
Yeah. Yeah, I know.

919
00:45:03,954 --> 00:45:05,246
Carli is going to love it.

920
00:45:05,372 --> 00:45:06,414
Can you hurry up?

921
00:45:08,792 --> 00:45:11,335
WILL: Simon's plan was coming together.

922
00:45:11,461 --> 00:45:15,214
Meanwhile, Jane was about to experience
the full force of Jay's boyish charm.

923
00:45:15,340 --> 00:45:16,799
Can you move? You're blocking the sun.

924
00:45:16,925 --> 00:45:18,217
Charming!

925
00:45:18,343 --> 00:45:20,094
What's happened to your face, Jay?

926
00:45:21,263 --> 00:45:22,430
It's a food allergy.

927
00:45:22,556 --> 00:45:25,391
I could do with one of those,
maybe an iced-bun allergy.

928
00:45:25,517 --> 00:45:27,018
Yeah. You could.

929
00:45:27,144 --> 00:45:30,229
Meanwhile, Neil had
a surprise in store for Lisa.

930
00:45:33,650 --> 00:45:35,276
Forgot my trunks.

931
00:45:35,402 --> 00:45:37,653
Fancy a swim?

932
00:45:40,657 --> 00:45:42,450
Oh, leave it out, you little prick.

933
00:45:46,872 --> 00:45:48,998
Right, that's it!
I'm going to fucking kill ya,

934
00:45:49,124 --> 00:45:50,791
- I'm going to fucking kill ya!
- Oi!

935
00:45:50,918 --> 00:45:52,376
Those are our sunbeds.
And where's our towels?

936
00:45:52,503 --> 00:45:54,128
Oh, good.

937
00:45:54,254 --> 00:45:56,088
Well, there weren't any towels
when we arrived

938
00:45:56,215 --> 00:45:57,381
and we've been here for the last hour.

939
00:45:57,508 --> 00:45:59,842
I didn't ask to read your fucking diary,
love. I said, "Where's our towels?"

940
00:45:59,968 --> 00:46:01,677
Now, there's no need to be abusive.

941
00:46:01,803 --> 00:46:03,346
If you look around,
there are signs everywhere

942
00:46:03,472 --> 00:46:04,639
saying you can't reserve sunbeds.

943
00:46:04,765 --> 00:46:06,182
So you moved our towels?

944
00:46:06,308 --> 00:46:09,352
The point I'm making is,
whatever the fate of the towels,

945
00:46:09,478 --> 00:46:10,811
these cannot be your beds.

946
00:46:10,938 --> 00:46:12,688
What have you done
with my fucking towels?!

947
00:46:12,814 --> 00:46:15,233
Sir, I get you nice other beds, please,
take up your stuff.

948
00:46:15,359 --> 00:46:16,943
Me?! What?

949
00:46:17,069 --> 00:46:18,069
Why should we move?

950
00:46:18,195 --> 00:46:19,237
Because he's made a scene?

951
00:46:19,363 --> 00:46:21,781
Because his family are too lazy
to walk 20 feet to the pool?

952
00:46:21,907 --> 00:46:22,949
Seriously, mate, I am warning you.

953
00:46:23,075 --> 00:46:24,533
Why have a rule
if you aren't going to enforce it?

954
00:46:24,660 --> 00:46:26,619
The signs are redundant.

955
00:46:26,745 --> 00:46:27,787
(WHIMPERING)

956
00:46:27,913 --> 00:46:30,748
My towel! (CRIES)

957
00:46:30,874 --> 00:46:32,208
Disabled. Course she is.

958
00:46:32,334 --> 00:46:33,292
Here you go.

959
00:46:33,418 --> 00:46:35,086
- Happy now?
- Well, obviously not.

960
00:46:35,212 --> 00:46:37,088
(SCREECHES)

961
00:46:38,382 --> 00:46:39,799
And that isn't helping.

962
00:46:39,925 --> 00:46:41,717
You lot have got five seconds
to get off my sunbeds.

963
00:46:41,844 --> 00:46:43,261
Right, come on, Will,
we'll just find somewhere else.

964
00:46:43,387 --> 00:46:44,762
But I still don't see
why we should move.

965
00:46:44,888 --> 00:46:46,806
Yes, his daughter
has a serious condition,

966
00:46:46,932 --> 00:46:48,599
but it's not like the whole family

967
00:46:48,725 --> 00:46:50,476
are therefore entitled
to pool-side seats for life.

968
00:46:50,602 --> 00:46:53,980
Plus, strictly speaking,
she doesn't even need another chair.

969
00:46:56,817 --> 00:46:58,192
Are you guests at this hotel?

970
00:46:59,361 --> 00:47:02,113
Ah! No! I no swim!

971
00:47:02,239 --> 00:47:05,157
Please, mister, I no swim, I beg you.

972
00:47:05,284 --> 00:47:06,993
Not pool!

973
00:47:07,119 --> 00:47:08,411
Argh!

974
00:47:08,537 --> 00:47:09,495
All right. All right.

975
00:47:09,621 --> 00:47:11,956
It's just a joke! We're... We're mates!

976
00:47:13,458 --> 00:47:15,042
(GASPING AND LAUGHTER)

977
00:47:15,169 --> 00:47:17,420
So little, so little!

978
00:47:17,546 --> 00:47:18,588
Ah!

979
00:47:34,062 --> 00:47:36,105
Great.

980
00:47:38,192 --> 00:47:40,818
And with a rough grab
from a BO-ridden security guard,

981
00:47:40,944 --> 00:47:44,196
Simon's perfect plan came crashing down.

982
00:47:45,782 --> 00:47:48,284
- Thanks a lot, Jay.
- Me?! What have I done?

983
00:47:48,410 --> 00:47:49,785
Oh, I don't know... Oh, yeah!

984
00:47:49,912 --> 00:47:51,495
Fucked everything up for me,
like you always do.

985
00:47:51,622 --> 00:47:53,998
I had to teach him a lesson, Si,
he was mugging me off.

986
00:47:54,124 --> 00:47:55,875
He was nine years old and couldn't swim!

987
00:47:56,001 --> 00:47:58,753
- Now my life is ruined. Thanks.
- Is this about the tickets?

988
00:47:58,879 --> 00:48:00,922
Oh, boo-hoo-hoo!

989
00:48:01,048 --> 00:48:02,673
So, you don't get to go
to the boat party, so what?!

990
00:48:02,799 --> 00:48:04,550
So I don't get back together
with the woman I love!

991
00:48:04,676 --> 00:48:06,594
Look, it's not my fault
Carli thinks you're a prick.

992
00:48:06,720 --> 00:48:08,012
You want to watch me more closely, mate,

993
00:48:08,138 --> 00:48:09,472
- you might actually learn something.
- Oh, yeah?

994
00:48:09,598 --> 00:48:10,806
And what would I learn?

995
00:48:10,933 --> 00:48:11,933
How to bullshit about having sex?

996
00:48:12,059 --> 00:48:13,351
How to sleep in an ants' nest?

997
00:48:13,477 --> 00:48:16,520
- How to be scared shitless of my dad?!
- Oh, come on, Si, calm down.

998
00:48:16,647 --> 00:48:18,898
Maybe you'd learn not to be such
a massive tool over that miserable cunt.

999
00:48:19,024 --> 00:48:20,816
Don't call Carli a cunt!

1000
00:48:33,789 --> 00:48:36,082
(PANTING)

1001
00:48:41,171 --> 00:48:42,838
- You had enough yet?!
- Have you had enough yet?

1002
00:48:42,965 --> 00:48:44,549
- I asked first!
- Ah...

1003
00:48:44,675 --> 00:48:46,008
- Uh!
- We should do something.

1004
00:48:46,134 --> 00:48:47,552
Yeah, do you want to go
and get a Subway?

1005
00:48:47,678 --> 00:48:50,304
No. I meant about the fight,
we should break it up.

1006
00:48:50,430 --> 00:48:52,098
Yeah.

1007
00:48:52,224 --> 00:48:53,641
All right, come on, you two.

1008
00:48:53,767 --> 00:48:55,017
No!

1009
00:48:55,143 --> 00:48:56,561
Uh!

1010
00:48:56,687 --> 00:48:59,272
I'm sick of his bollocks,
I'm going to fucking do him.

1011
00:48:59,398 --> 00:49:01,607
Oh, you're hard, Si,
I didn't see you do me just now.

1012
00:49:01,733 --> 00:49:03,484
- Come back here, then, you prick.
- Let's go for a walk!

1013
00:49:03,610 --> 00:49:05,027
- Don't cry, Si.
- I'm not crying!

1014
00:49:05,153 --> 00:49:07,238
- You're crying!
- Don't look like it, you're crying!

1015
00:49:07,364 --> 00:49:09,532
- Come here, then.
- See you later, then, Will.

1016
00:49:17,583 --> 00:49:19,166
Honestly, I'm done with that arsehole.

1017
00:49:19,293 --> 00:49:20,877
I mean, why do I even
hang round with him?

1018
00:49:21,003 --> 00:49:23,921
Well, yeah, obviously
we all wonder that at times.

1019
00:49:24,047 --> 00:49:27,008
Look, it's been a tough couple of days,
the Carli thing is weird,

1020
00:49:27,134 --> 00:49:28,259
but just cos you were
in a fight with Jay,

1021
00:49:28,385 --> 00:49:29,594
- you don't have to leave.
- I'm not leaving.

1022
00:49:29,720 --> 00:49:32,221
But you are aware
you're packing your suitcase.

1023
00:49:36,810 --> 00:49:39,478
- I've never liked him.
- You've been mates since primary school.

1024
00:49:39,605 --> 00:49:41,063
He's a little crybaby poof.

1025
00:49:41,190 --> 00:49:43,649
And his hair,
everyone took the piss out of that.

1026
00:49:43,775 --> 00:49:45,484
But not me, I didn't.

1027
00:49:45,611 --> 00:49:46,694
Fucking wish I had now.

1028
00:49:46,820 --> 00:49:49,238
- You did a bit.
- Well, no, course, a bit.

1029
00:49:49,364 --> 00:49:50,990
But...not enough.

1030
00:49:51,116 --> 00:49:52,408
He's a total twat!

1031
00:49:52,534 --> 00:49:55,494
Oh, that's harsh, mate.
He can be a knob, but he's not a twat.

1032
00:49:55,621 --> 00:49:58,080
- I'm going to sell my clothes.
- Oh, you're having a breakdown.

1033
00:49:58,207 --> 00:50:00,917
She means so much to me, Will,
I don't care about anything else.

1034
00:50:01,043 --> 00:50:02,001
If I can get enough money together,

1035
00:50:02,127 --> 00:50:03,544
I can buy a ticket
for the boat party off someone,

1036
00:50:03,670 --> 00:50:06,714
somehow, whatever it costs.
Money is all I need.

1037
00:50:06,840 --> 00:50:08,466
I agree with you on money,
but who's going to buy your clothes?

1038
00:50:08,592 --> 00:50:10,301
No of fence, but you dress appallingly.

1039
00:50:10,427 --> 00:50:12,261
Are you going to help
or just constantly undermine me?

1040
00:50:12,387 --> 00:50:15,640
- Bit of both, I'd imagine.
- Fine.

1041
00:50:15,766 --> 00:50:17,225
Do you think Alison likes me?

1042
00:50:17,351 --> 00:50:19,810
13 years he's been dragging me down.

1043
00:50:19,937 --> 00:50:21,354
Well...fuck him.

1044
00:50:21,480 --> 00:50:22,688
- What's that?
- Boat party tickets,

1045
00:50:22,814 --> 00:50:23,856
I bought four the other night

1046
00:50:23,982 --> 00:50:26,192
before I passed out.
Cost a fortune.

1047
00:50:26,318 --> 00:50:27,735
I thought I'd surprise him.

1048
00:50:27,861 --> 00:50:29,237
Well, here's his fucking surprise.

1049
00:50:29,363 --> 00:50:31,197
- Oh, no, Jay, don't.
- No, fuck him!

1050
00:50:31,323 --> 00:50:33,699
And fuck that dick Will too.

1051
00:50:40,916 --> 00:50:42,833
What shall we do now, then?

1052
00:50:43,961 --> 00:50:45,920
Now we have the best holiday ever...

1053
00:50:46,046 --> 00:50:48,631
- and do what we came here to do!
- Get better at swimming!

1054
00:50:48,757 --> 00:50:50,174
No.

1055
00:50:50,300 --> 00:50:52,885
Go on Pussay Patrol!

1056
00:50:53,011 --> 00:50:54,387
Unfortunately for him,

1057
00:50:54,513 --> 00:50:58,099
Simon wasn't the only person in Malia
trying to sell shit no-one wanted.

1058
00:50:58,225 --> 00:50:59,267
- Looky, looky. Hello?
- Hello!

1059
00:50:59,393 --> 00:51:01,185
- Looky.
- Nice lady, good price.

1060
00:51:01,311 --> 00:51:02,603
Clothes? Looky, looky.

1061
00:51:02,729 --> 00:51:05,064
Top clothes for sale.
You want clothes? Good price.

1062
00:51:05,190 --> 00:51:08,568
I think you'd have more luck
selling the big glasses.

1063
00:51:08,694 --> 00:51:10,027
Isn't that Carli's friend?

1064
00:51:10,153 --> 00:51:11,737
He's a rep,
I don't think they're really friends.

1065
00:51:11,864 --> 00:51:13,030
All right, mate?

1066
00:51:13,156 --> 00:51:14,574
What's this,
the world's shittest boot fair?

1067
00:51:14,700 --> 00:51:17,118
Ha! No, just selling my clothes
for some money.

1068
00:51:17,244 --> 00:51:18,202
I need money, desperately.

1069
00:51:18,328 --> 00:51:20,413
All right! Well, as luck would have it,

1070
00:51:20,539 --> 00:51:22,123
I've got a mate
who's had his apartment broken into.

1071
00:51:22,249 --> 00:51:24,208
Fuckers nicked all his clothes.

1072
00:51:24,334 --> 00:51:26,127
I reckon he'll be interested,
I'll call him.

1073
00:51:26,253 --> 00:51:27,879
That'd be amazing, thanks so much.

1074
00:51:28,005 --> 00:51:30,298
No problem, mate.
All part of the service, yeah?

1075
00:51:30,424 --> 00:51:31,757
- See?
- All right, mate?

1076
00:51:31,884 --> 00:51:33,926
Yeah, yeah. Got some clothes.

1077
00:51:34,052 --> 00:51:36,512
Yeah. Um, got some girls' T-shirts.

1078
00:51:36,638 --> 00:51:38,472
- These are girls', right?
- No.

1079
00:51:38,599 --> 00:51:40,057
Hoodies like your mum would buy you.

1080
00:51:40,184 --> 00:51:41,684
The sort of jeans Jeremy Clarkson wears.

1081
00:51:41,810 --> 00:51:44,520
Oh, yeah, yeah!
It's all shit, yeah. Hold on.

1082
00:51:44,646 --> 00:51:46,105
He says he'll give you
100 euros for the lot.

1083
00:51:46,231 --> 00:51:49,025
Amazing! Totally! Cool!

1084
00:51:49,151 --> 00:51:53,279
Coolie! Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God. Thanks so much, man.

1085
00:51:53,405 --> 00:51:54,530
Including what you're wearing now.

1086
00:51:54,656 --> 00:51:57,700
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, that's the deal.

1087
00:51:57,826 --> 00:52:00,703
Obviously he's not going
to take his clothes off.

1088
00:52:00,829 --> 00:52:02,413
Oh, nice one.

1089
00:52:02,539 --> 00:52:04,123
Oh!

1090
00:52:04,249 --> 00:52:06,626
He's going to need your pants too.

1091
00:52:06,752 --> 00:52:08,085
What, these?

1092
00:52:08,212 --> 00:52:09,337
Fuckin' thieves stole everything.

1093
00:52:09,463 --> 00:52:12,590
Gimme your pants, I'll be back
before you know it with your 100 euros.

1094
00:52:12,716 --> 00:52:15,051
Sorry, this has gone too far.
Simon, do not take your pants off.

1095
00:52:15,177 --> 00:52:17,470
Stop always telling me what to do, Will,
I'm an adult!

1096
00:52:17,596 --> 00:52:20,014
James is doing me a favour,
what are you doing, eh?

1097
00:52:23,685 --> 00:52:25,394
(SNIGGERING)

1098
00:52:26,772 --> 00:52:27,730
Here you are.

1099
00:52:27,856 --> 00:52:29,774
- You'll be right back, yeah?
- Course I will.

1100
00:52:29,900 --> 00:52:31,567
I'll see you very soon.

1101
00:52:34,112 --> 00:52:36,113
Thanks, James.
Thanks so much, man!

1102
00:52:42,913 --> 00:52:44,830
Yeah. Cheers, Abdul, good luck, mate.

1103
00:52:49,878 --> 00:52:51,337
James isn't coming back, is he?

1104
00:52:51,463 --> 00:52:52,463
Don't think so.

1105
00:52:52,589 --> 00:52:53,631
Brilliant.

1106
00:52:53,757 --> 00:52:57,343
So we made Simon some makeshift pants
and headed home to get changed.

1107
00:52:57,469 --> 00:52:59,470
- (FARTS)
- Simon,

1108
00:52:59,596 --> 00:53:02,098
- please, don't fart in my T-shirt.
- Sorry.

1109
00:53:02,224 --> 00:53:04,559
(PEOPLE CHANTING)
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

1110
00:53:04,685 --> 00:53:05,643
Interesting.

1111
00:53:05,769 --> 00:53:08,312
(CHEERING)

1112
00:53:15,445 --> 00:53:18,364
Mr Gilbert! Mr Gilbert!

1113
00:53:18,490 --> 00:53:19,532
Phil!

1114
00:53:29,751 --> 00:53:31,210
(ROARS)

1115
00:53:37,467 --> 00:53:39,468
At least somebody's enjoying themselves.

1116
00:53:39,928 --> 00:53:43,389
In just 24 hours, Malia had pretty much
broken me and Simon,

1117
00:53:43,515 --> 00:53:45,224
so in a way I had to admire
Jay and Neil

1118
00:53:45,350 --> 00:53:47,351
as they rolled up the sleeves
on their offensive T-shirts

1119
00:53:47,477 --> 00:53:49,520
and dived straight back in.

1120
00:53:49,646 --> 00:53:51,856
(POUNDING DANCE MUSIC)

1121
00:54:12,336 --> 00:54:13,461
This place is mental.

1122
00:54:13,587 --> 00:54:16,339
It's decadent, Neil,
that's what they call it.

1123
00:54:16,465 --> 00:54:18,132
This is what we came here for.

1124
00:54:18,258 --> 00:54:20,718
You wouldn't find those other
two muppets in a place like this.

1125
00:54:20,844 --> 00:54:22,803
They'd just shit themselves
and run away.

1126
00:54:23,889 --> 00:54:25,848
ANNOUNCER: And now all the way
from Privilege in Ibiza,

1127
00:54:25,974 --> 00:54:28,059
we have a very, very special act.

1128
00:54:28,185 --> 00:54:31,103
It's probably some fit dancer
who'll take one look at me

1129
00:54:31,230 --> 00:54:32,563
and wanna bang me all night.

1130
00:54:32,689 --> 00:54:33,856
Yeah, and we've got the best view.

1131
00:54:33,982 --> 00:54:35,691
I bet you'll be able to see
right up the snatch from here.

1132
00:54:35,817 --> 00:54:38,110
This is it, Neil,
this is a fucking holiday.

1133
00:54:38,237 --> 00:54:40,238
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome...

1134
00:54:40,364 --> 00:54:41,739
Fernando!

1135
00:54:41,865 --> 00:54:44,450
(CHEERING)

1136
00:54:54,461 --> 00:54:58,172
Must be like a cage fighter
or martial-arts type thing.

1137
00:55:07,683 --> 00:55:10,059
(CHEERING)

1138
00:55:10,185 --> 00:55:12,270
Whoa!

1139
00:55:16,275 --> 00:55:17,441
Is this a bit gay?

1140
00:55:18,902 --> 00:55:20,319
No, it's decadent.

1141
00:55:20,445 --> 00:55:23,281
Let's have a big cheer for Fernando,

1142
00:55:23,407 --> 00:55:26,158
the master of self-fellatio!

1143
00:55:26,285 --> 00:55:28,578
(CHEERING)

1144
00:55:28,704 --> 00:55:30,913
I don't know if I like decadent things.

1145
00:55:37,629 --> 00:55:40,882
WILL: Jay and Neil never told us
how close they came to Fernando's cock,

1146
00:55:41,008 --> 00:55:42,550
but they did say they could smell it.

1147
00:55:42,676 --> 00:55:44,719
And they were still having
more fun than us.

1148
00:55:46,221 --> 00:55:48,723
Last two, shall we pretend
they're pudding?

1149
00:55:48,849 --> 00:55:50,558
All right, fellas?

1150
00:55:50,684 --> 00:55:51,851
Romantic dinner, is it?

1151
00:55:51,977 --> 00:55:54,103
I've just had a 'mare, right?

1152
00:55:54,229 --> 00:55:56,606
Some massive body-building geezer
came running out the bushes at me,

1153
00:55:56,732 --> 00:55:59,442
God knows why. Anyway,
I've lamped him, he's gone flying...

1154
00:55:59,568 --> 00:56:00,902
(WHISPERS) I think I might
have killed him.

1155
00:56:03,697 --> 00:56:06,324
OK, well, it's been lovely
to chat, Richard...

1156
00:56:06,450 --> 00:56:08,034
- Can you lend us 50 quid?
- Um, no.

1157
00:56:08,160 --> 00:56:09,911
Simple and clear. 30?

1158
00:56:10,037 --> 00:56:11,954
- No, we're going.
- Are we? Where?

1159
00:56:12,080 --> 00:56:13,372
Terrible bar I know.
See you later, Richard.

1160
00:56:13,498 --> 00:56:15,416
10? 10?

1161
00:56:15,542 --> 00:56:18,377
10? 10? 5?!

1162
00:56:26,845 --> 00:56:29,222
Here, look, it's that James bloke
Carli's sucking off.

1163
00:56:29,348 --> 00:56:30,306
Oh, yeah.

1164
00:56:30,432 --> 00:56:32,475
See, now that looks like a proper laugh.

1165
00:56:32,601 --> 00:56:36,479
Neil, I think it's time the Pussay Patrol
recruited some new members.

1166
00:56:38,232 --> 00:56:40,316
You all right, mate?

1167
00:56:42,402 --> 00:56:43,361
Do I know you?

1168
00:56:43,487 --> 00:56:44,946
Yeah, we're mates of Carli's.

1169
00:56:45,072 --> 00:56:46,072
Ah, yeah.

1170
00:56:46,198 --> 00:56:47,240
Carli Cling-on.

1171
00:56:47,366 --> 00:56:48,574
Nice girl, bit keen.

1172
00:56:48,700 --> 00:56:49,867
Yeah.

1173
00:56:49,993 --> 00:56:50,952
Our mate's in love with her,

1174
00:56:51,078 --> 00:56:52,328
- the fucking dick.
- Oh, is he?

1175
00:56:52,454 --> 00:56:55,081
Well, tell him he can have a sniff
on these if he's lucky.

1176
00:56:55,207 --> 00:56:57,708
Yeah, well, no, he's not really a mate.

1177
00:56:57,835 --> 00:56:59,961
We ditched him, yeah, he's too tragic.

1178
00:57:04,258 --> 00:57:06,092
It's a wicked place, this. Nice vibe.

1179
00:57:06,218 --> 00:57:08,761
What, you think a bloke
sucking his own cock is wicked?

1180
00:57:08,887 --> 00:57:09,845
Are you bent?

1181
00:57:09,972 --> 00:57:11,264
(LAUGHTER)

1182
00:57:11,390 --> 00:57:12,932
No, course not.

1183
00:57:13,058 --> 00:57:14,475
We're the Pussay Patrol.

1184
00:57:14,601 --> 00:57:15,560
Pussay Patrol?!

1185
00:57:15,686 --> 00:57:18,563
More like the Bumming Brigade.

1186
00:57:18,689 --> 00:57:21,524
The only pussy you'll get will be a cat.

1187
00:57:23,652 --> 00:57:24,944
Oi!

1188
00:57:25,070 --> 00:57:28,030
I said, the only pussy
they'll get will be a cat.

1189
00:57:28,156 --> 00:57:31,617
You know, like one of them stray cats
you get round here.

1190
00:57:31,743 --> 00:57:34,787
- Oh, good one!
- Fuck you, you lanky prick.

1191
00:57:34,913 --> 00:57:36,539
You two are fucking me off.
Get out of my face.

1192
00:57:36,665 --> 00:57:39,375
Oh, no, come on, we're having a laugh,
we're all right here.

1193
00:57:39,501 --> 00:57:42,086
You're not fucking all right anywhere,
you scrawny little cunt.

1194
00:57:42,212 --> 00:57:44,797
Now fuck off before I put
a glass in your throat.

1195
00:57:53,724 --> 00:57:55,141
You all right, Jay?

1196
00:57:55,267 --> 00:57:57,018
Yeah. (SNIFFS)

1197
00:57:57,144 --> 00:57:58,102
Are you crying?

1198
00:57:58,228 --> 00:58:00,938
No, it's just the smoke in here.

1199
00:58:01,064 --> 00:58:02,023
There isn't any.

1200
00:58:02,149 --> 00:58:04,400
Yeah, that's what I mean.

1201
00:58:04,526 --> 00:58:06,152
Do you want to go somewhere
not decadent?

1202
00:58:34,890 --> 00:58:37,808
So what happens now?
It's probably a bit far

1203
00:58:37,935 --> 00:58:40,019
for my dad to come and pick us up.

1204
00:58:42,189 --> 00:58:44,941
- Oh, great.
- WILL: Be nice,

1205
00:58:45,067 --> 00:58:46,609
maybe he's come to apologise.

1206
00:58:58,413 --> 00:58:59,372
All right?

1207
00:58:59,498 --> 00:59:00,539
We were just leaving, actually.

1208
00:59:00,666 --> 00:59:02,792
- Oh, don't cry, Simon.
- I'm not crying.

1209
00:59:02,918 --> 00:59:03,876
No, Jay, it was you that was crying,

1210
00:59:04,002 --> 00:59:05,169
- remember?
- Neil!

1211
00:59:05,295 --> 00:59:07,463
Come on, Si, sit down,
let's all share a fishbowl.

1212
00:59:07,589 --> 00:59:09,382
- We're totally out of cash.
- Yeah.

1213
00:59:09,508 --> 00:59:11,008
We're not all lucky enough
to have had a relative die.

1214
00:59:11,134 --> 00:59:12,885
Well, you're clearly fucked without me,

1215
00:59:13,011 --> 00:59:14,470
so I was going to offer
to pay for your drinks,

1216
00:59:14,596 --> 00:59:15,888
but if you're going
to be a baby about it,

1217
00:59:16,014 --> 00:59:17,640
- then fuck it.
- Were you really?

1218
00:59:18,767 --> 00:59:22,603
Well, I'm not arsed either way,
but if I have to...yes.

1219
00:59:22,729 --> 00:59:24,063
Si?

1220
00:59:26,400 --> 00:59:28,192
All right, thank you, Jay.

1221
00:59:29,778 --> 00:59:31,195
Shake.

1222
00:59:37,911 --> 00:59:39,954
Group hug?

1223
00:59:41,748 --> 00:59:43,332
(NEIL GUFFAWS)

1224
00:59:43,458 --> 00:59:45,751
Oh, go on, Neil,
just one more suicide shot.

1225
00:59:45,878 --> 00:59:47,086
Fuckin' hell.

1226
01:00:02,477 --> 01:00:03,603
Right. Tenner, please.

1227
01:00:03,729 --> 01:00:06,397
- Sorry, mate, had my fingers crossed.
- Oh, not again!

1228
01:00:07,941 --> 01:00:10,568
WILL: Oh, my God!
I never expected to see them again.

1229
01:00:10,694 --> 01:00:12,737
Doesn't matter, though, does it?
Cos even if Lucy

1230
01:00:12,863 --> 01:00:15,197
can get a ticket for the boat party,
I now can't afford one.

1231
01:00:15,324 --> 01:00:18,242
Yes, but incredible as it may seem,
Simon, I wasn't thinking about you.

1232
01:00:18,368 --> 01:00:19,368
JANE: Hi, guys.

1233
01:00:19,494 --> 01:00:21,787
Taking a break from drowning children?

1234
01:00:21,914 --> 01:00:22,872
We are.

1235
01:00:22,998 --> 01:00:24,498
And welcome back to Malia's
least-cool bar.

1236
01:00:24,625 --> 01:00:25,791
We're regulars, obviously.

1237
01:00:25,918 --> 01:00:27,460
Surprised to see you here again.

1238
01:00:27,586 --> 01:00:30,171
Well, it's the only place we've been
where the blokes weren't total animals.

1239
01:00:30,297 --> 01:00:32,340
I'll take that as a compliment.
Hello, by the way.

1240
01:00:32,466 --> 01:00:33,591
Hello, Spectacles.

1241
01:00:33,717 --> 01:00:35,843
Still going to get shit-faced, though.
Shots only?

1242
01:00:35,969 --> 01:00:38,221
- Are you man enough, Jay-bo?
- Course.

1243
01:00:38,347 --> 01:00:39,597
Thought you would be.

1244
01:00:39,723 --> 01:00:42,391
Obviously we now rated as
so sexually non-threatening

1245
01:00:42,518 --> 01:00:43,935
that these girls were happy
to drink with us.

1246
01:00:44,061 --> 01:00:46,938
But to be fair,
I'd take that every time.

1247
01:00:48,190 --> 01:00:50,358
So I've been thinking, about us...

1248
01:00:50,484 --> 01:00:52,693
- What, the four of you?
- No, me and you.

1249
01:00:52,819 --> 01:00:53,778
Well, there is no "us",

1250
01:00:53,904 --> 01:00:56,364
so that must have been a weird
thought process, but go on.

1251
01:00:56,490 --> 01:00:59,200
- I'm not sure Nicos is right for you.
- Interesting.

1252
01:00:59,326 --> 01:01:02,161
Why wouldn't my sexy, charming,
caring boyfriend,

1253
01:01:02,287 --> 01:01:04,038
who is also a sensational lover,

1254
01:01:04,164 --> 01:01:06,290
- be right for me?
- You'd say sensational, would you?

1255
01:01:06,416 --> 01:01:08,209
- Mmm.
- Mmm.

1256
01:01:08,335 --> 01:01:10,586
It was nice of Richard Branson
to lend you an outfit.

1257
01:01:10,712 --> 01:01:12,088
It's Neil's. Is it really that bad?

1258
01:01:13,298 --> 01:01:16,217
Well, at least you look fantastic.
Right, there's only one thing for it,

1259
01:01:16,343 --> 01:01:17,301
we're going to say, "fuck it",

1260
01:01:17,427 --> 01:01:19,720
and do shots until one of us is sick
through our nose. My money's on me.

1261
01:01:19,847 --> 01:01:21,722
Four monkey brains, please.

1262
01:01:21,849 --> 01:01:23,933
I like this Simon, he's fun.

1263
01:01:24,059 --> 01:01:25,643
Thanks very much.

1264
01:01:25,769 --> 01:01:26,936
- Cheers!
- Cheers.

1265
01:01:27,062 --> 01:01:28,354
Oh, actually, can you pay?

1266
01:01:33,026 --> 01:01:34,110
Right, next!

1267
01:01:34,236 --> 01:01:35,653
No, no. I can't have another one.

1268
01:01:35,779 --> 01:01:37,613
I'm sorry, didn't realise
you were a lightweight.

1269
01:01:37,739 --> 01:01:40,157
- What?
- Lightweight. Light-weight.

1270
01:01:40,284 --> 01:01:41,659
You're one to talk about lightweights.

1271
01:01:41,785 --> 01:01:43,077
What do you mean?

1272
01:01:43,203 --> 01:01:45,037
Oh. Cos I'm fat?

1273
01:01:45,163 --> 01:01:46,706
No.

1274
01:01:46,832 --> 01:01:50,293
What I...mean, Jane, is...

1275
01:01:50,419 --> 01:01:51,961
I'm gonna drink you under the table.

1276
01:01:52,087 --> 01:01:53,379
You're trouble, aren't you?

1277
01:01:56,842 --> 01:01:58,134
You're funny.

1278
01:01:58,260 --> 01:02:01,053
That is why I know you don't have
to worry about getting laid.

1279
01:02:01,180 --> 01:02:02,847
Um, did I say I was worried?

1280
01:02:02,973 --> 01:02:04,599
No, but it's obvious that you are,

1281
01:02:04,725 --> 01:02:06,434
and you think
that somehow I'm the answer.

1282
01:02:06,560 --> 01:02:08,311
Well, I am not, and you will be fine.

1283
01:02:08,437 --> 01:02:11,022
I think you might be, though.

1284
01:02:11,148 --> 01:02:12,481
Nonsense.

1285
01:02:12,608 --> 01:02:15,484
You know, in fact, I am so confident
I will make a pact with you.

1286
01:02:15,611 --> 01:02:18,321
If you still haven't had sex
by this time next year,

1287
01:02:18,447 --> 01:02:19,572
I'll have sex with you.

1288
01:02:19,698 --> 01:02:22,074
As long as I'm not with Nicos,
of course.

1289
01:02:22,201 --> 01:02:23,409
Of course.

1290
01:02:23,535 --> 01:02:24,785
Um...

1291
01:02:24,912 --> 01:02:26,287
this is a joke, right?

1292
01:02:28,916 --> 01:02:30,041
A handshake's good...

1293
01:02:30,167 --> 01:02:32,168
is it possible to get it in writing?

1294
01:02:32,294 --> 01:02:33,961
See? Funny.

1295
01:02:34,087 --> 01:02:37,131
Yes, ha-ha-ha. Hmm.

1296
01:02:37,257 --> 01:02:40,009
You all right, Lise? Where's Neil?

1297
01:02:45,974 --> 01:02:47,934
He is literally incredible.

1298
01:02:50,229 --> 01:02:51,646
Come on, Lise,
we're getting out of here.

1299
01:02:51,772 --> 01:02:53,564
Let's go for a swim. Come on, you.

1300
01:02:55,067 --> 01:02:56,025
You coming swimming?

1301
01:02:56,151 --> 01:02:58,110
Oh. I can't cos I haven't brought
my swimming costume.

1302
01:02:58,237 --> 01:03:00,947
Oh, no! I haven't brought mine either.

1303
01:03:01,073 --> 01:03:02,448
Really? What are you going to do?

1304
01:03:02,574 --> 01:03:05,618
Well, I'm going to go in naked. Are you?

1305
01:03:07,037 --> 01:03:09,413
Oh, right. Yeah, me too.

1306
01:03:10,582 --> 01:03:12,708
Totally naked.

1307
01:03:12,835 --> 01:03:14,627
Are they really going skinny dipping?

1308
01:03:14,753 --> 01:03:16,754
- If I know Jane, probably, yeah.
- Really?

1309
01:03:16,880 --> 01:03:19,757
- Fucking hell, really?!
- Yes.

1310
01:03:19,883 --> 01:03:21,592
And...

1311
01:03:22,928 --> 01:03:23,886
...what about you?

1312
01:03:24,012 --> 01:03:27,723
Well, I'm meeting Nicos in half an hour.

1313
01:03:27,850 --> 01:03:29,225
Course.

1314
01:03:29,351 --> 01:03:31,018
So I reckon I've got time
for a quick dip.

1315
01:03:31,144 --> 01:03:33,521
Alison was hopelessly out of my league.

1316
01:03:33,647 --> 01:03:35,523
And yet, and yet...

1317
01:03:35,649 --> 01:03:37,066
No, I had no fucking chance.

1318
01:03:37,526 --> 01:03:39,193
(GIGGLES)

1319
01:03:43,657 --> 01:03:46,242
Come on. What are you doing?

1320
01:03:46,368 --> 01:03:47,577
Get it off.

1321
01:03:47,703 --> 01:03:50,037
No, yeah. Good. I will.

1322
01:03:50,163 --> 01:03:51,664
Go on, then.

1323
01:03:51,790 --> 01:03:53,374
All in good time.

1324
01:03:55,085 --> 01:03:56,711
I'll look away, if you like.

1325
01:03:56,837 --> 01:03:59,672
Um, yeah, that would be nice, thank you.

1326
01:04:02,050 --> 01:04:04,844
OK, so, I'm looking away now.

1327
01:04:09,224 --> 01:04:11,267
And so for only the second time today,

1328
01:04:11,393 --> 01:04:13,603
Simon was tricked into getting naked.

1329
01:04:13,729 --> 01:04:16,731
Further along the beach,
for the first time ever, Jay was close

1330
01:04:16,857 --> 01:04:19,901
to seeing some naked women
not on a computer screen.

1331
01:04:24,406 --> 01:04:26,282
Come on, Jay, don't be shy.

1332
01:04:26,408 --> 01:04:28,242
I'll take it all off if you will.

1333
01:04:28,368 --> 01:04:31,037
Um, all right, just...give me a minute.

1334
01:04:31,163 --> 01:04:33,664
Are you scared that you won't be able
to control yourself?

1335
01:04:33,790 --> 01:04:37,168
MAN: She's a big girl. She is a big girl.

1336
01:04:37,294 --> 01:04:40,171
Can't take it any more,
just give us a snog.

1337
01:04:40,297 --> 01:04:42,340
Um...all right.

1338
01:04:42,466 --> 01:04:46,177
But...let's go somewhere secret.

1339
01:04:46,303 --> 01:04:47,637
Secret?

1340
01:04:47,763 --> 01:04:49,013
Just give us a snog here.

1341
01:04:49,139 --> 01:04:50,514
Nah.

1342
01:04:50,641 --> 01:04:53,309
Let's go somewhere
people can't see us.

1343
01:04:53,435 --> 01:04:56,479
- OK?
- Fucking whale on the beach.

1344
01:04:58,065 --> 01:04:59,523
Actually...forget it.

1345
01:04:59,650 --> 01:05:02,318
I've already seen your cock,
and it wasn't pretty.

1346
01:05:09,952 --> 01:05:12,245
All I'm saying is that, logically,

1347
01:05:12,371 --> 01:05:14,247
we might not have to wait
a year to have sex.

1348
01:05:14,373 --> 01:05:15,748
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

1349
01:05:15,874 --> 01:05:19,585
I mean, once you remove Nicos from the
equation and think, as I say, logically,

1350
01:05:19,711 --> 01:05:21,462
it really makes no sense
to wait that long.

1351
01:05:21,588 --> 01:05:24,507
Do you find that your logic
talks a lot of girls into bed?

1352
01:05:24,633 --> 01:05:26,050
Well, no.

1353
01:05:26,176 --> 01:05:27,134
I was just curious to know

1354
01:05:27,261 --> 01:05:31,055
whether this kind of relentless, pedantic
chat is a big hit with the other chicks.

1355
01:05:31,181 --> 01:05:34,892
- Well, obviously, it isn't.
- Thought not.

1356
01:05:42,150 --> 01:05:44,277
What are you waiting for?

1357
01:05:45,404 --> 01:05:47,238
Um...I don't know.

1358
01:05:48,740 --> 01:05:50,032
OK.

1359
01:06:23,066 --> 01:06:25,276
(SIGHS) Take your clothes off.

1360
01:07:07,861 --> 01:07:10,321
That's it till next year, I'm afraid!

1361
01:07:12,574 --> 01:07:13,532
I've lost my glasses.

1362
01:07:13,659 --> 01:07:15,493
I've lost my glasses!

1363
01:07:15,619 --> 01:07:16,869
God, it's freezing in here.

1364
01:07:16,995 --> 01:07:18,579
Don't be such a wuss.

1365
01:07:18,705 --> 01:07:20,122
Ah!

1366
01:07:20,249 --> 01:07:22,708
That's right,
let's get someone's hair wet, shall we?

1367
01:07:22,835 --> 01:07:25,419
It always looks wet anyway, gel-boy.

1368
01:07:25,546 --> 01:07:27,380
Right, how's this for a wet look, then?

1369
01:07:29,091 --> 01:07:30,550
(GASPS)

1370
01:07:30,676 --> 01:07:32,510
(COUGHS)

1371
01:07:32,636 --> 01:07:34,637
Oh, shit, sorry.

1372
01:07:51,905 --> 01:07:53,489
Carli!

1373
01:07:55,033 --> 01:07:56,450
Carli, over here!

1374
01:07:56,577 --> 01:07:59,954
Carli, over here! Carls!

1375
01:08:00,080 --> 01:08:02,081
Carls.

1376
01:08:03,333 --> 01:08:05,251
Come on, Will, it feels amazing!

1377
01:08:05,377 --> 01:08:06,961
Just getting my glasses!

1378
01:08:07,087 --> 01:08:09,046
You're not wussing out on me, are you?

1379
01:08:09,173 --> 01:08:11,048
Nope! As soon as I'm not blind,

1380
01:08:11,175 --> 01:08:13,759
I'll be right over with you
and the other naked ladies.

1381
01:08:13,886 --> 01:08:15,636
Well, hurry up or I'm getting out!

1382
01:08:15,762 --> 01:08:19,432
- Jesus Christ, come on! Where are they?
- (MOANING)

1383
01:08:19,558 --> 01:08:20,766
(SQUEALING)

1384
01:08:20,893 --> 01:08:23,102
- What the...fuck are you doing?
- I'm really sorry,

1385
01:08:23,228 --> 01:08:24,562
I tripped. I've lost my glasses.

1386
01:08:24,688 --> 01:08:27,064
You've got a big problem now, mister,
a big fucking problem.

1387
01:08:27,191 --> 01:08:28,441
Oh, God. I'm so sorry,

1388
01:08:28,567 --> 01:08:30,359
I didn't know
you were down there, doing that.

1389
01:08:30,485 --> 01:08:33,613
- (SPEAKS GREEK)
- Help!

1390
01:08:33,739 --> 01:08:35,948
I'm really sorry, mate. Help me!

1391
01:08:36,074 --> 01:08:38,117
(SPEAKS GREEK)

1392
01:08:38,243 --> 01:08:39,493
Nicos?

1393
01:08:39,620 --> 01:08:41,329
Alison?

1394
01:08:41,455 --> 01:08:42,622
What are you doing?

1395
01:08:42,748 --> 01:08:44,916
WOMAN: How does she know
your fucking name, Nicos?

1396
01:08:45,042 --> 01:08:47,710
Donna, I just need you to be a little
bit quiet for five minutes, please...

1397
01:08:47,836 --> 01:08:48,836
Who the fuck is that?!

1398
01:08:48,962 --> 01:08:51,589
Come and sit down with me,
I want to talk to you.

1399
01:08:51,715 --> 01:08:54,300
We're supposed to be meeting up
in 15 minutes,

1400
01:08:54,426 --> 01:08:56,385
- you utter, utter scumbag!
- Glasses?

1401
01:08:56,512 --> 01:08:57,762
- Glasses?
- It's OK, it's OK.

1402
01:08:57,888 --> 01:08:59,347
Glasses? Ooh!

1403
01:08:59,473 --> 01:09:00,806
There they are.

1404
01:09:00,933 --> 01:09:04,435
Alison, I love you, I love you,
you are the only girl for me,

1405
01:09:04,561 --> 01:09:06,270
there no other girl in my life.

1406
01:09:06,396 --> 01:09:07,980
Now, where have we heard that before?

1407
01:09:08,106 --> 01:09:09,649
Oh, just shut up, Will!

1408
01:09:09,775 --> 01:09:11,609
Baby, you know this weirdo?

1409
01:09:11,735 --> 01:09:13,819
I am not your fucking baby!

1410
01:09:13,946 --> 01:09:16,197
Alison, wait!

1411
01:09:16,323 --> 01:09:18,115
Simon.

1412
01:09:18,242 --> 01:09:19,784
Are you swimming naked?

1413
01:09:19,910 --> 01:09:21,077
Hell, yeah.

1414
01:09:21,203 --> 01:09:23,162
- That's not like you.
- Well, I'm on holidays,

1415
01:09:23,288 --> 01:09:25,081
so who knows, maybe it's a new me?

1416
01:09:25,207 --> 01:09:26,624
Oh, right.

1417
01:09:26,750 --> 01:09:28,501
I like the old you.

1418
01:09:28,627 --> 01:09:30,211
Hmm.

1419
01:09:30,337 --> 01:09:32,672
OK, well, I'm off to bed.

1420
01:09:32,798 --> 01:09:33,756
Can I come?

1421
01:09:33,882 --> 01:09:35,258
To bed?

1422
01:09:35,384 --> 01:09:38,177
- No, sure. I'm all wet anyway, so...
- Look,

1423
01:09:38,303 --> 01:09:41,597
I'm knackered, I've had a shitty night,
I just want to be alone.

1424
01:09:41,723 --> 01:09:44,976
But I'll see you at the boat party.
We can catch up properly there, OK?

1425
01:09:45,102 --> 01:09:47,270
Yeah, course.

1426
01:09:47,396 --> 01:09:49,689
- See you at the boat party.
- Great.

1427
01:09:49,815 --> 01:09:50,815
See ya!

1428
01:09:50,941 --> 01:09:53,484
- I miss you too.
- Sorry?

1429
01:09:53,610 --> 01:09:54,902
You said it the other night?

1430
01:09:55,028 --> 01:09:56,904
Oh, yeah.

1431
01:10:05,205 --> 01:10:08,499
Lucy! Lucy!

1432
01:10:08,625 --> 01:10:11,294
Alison, wait! I'll come with you!

1433
01:10:11,420 --> 01:10:13,838
- I want to be on my own!
- Um...

1434
01:10:13,964 --> 01:10:15,172
You're not expecting me
to hit him or anything,

1435
01:10:15,299 --> 01:10:16,924
- are you?
- No!

1436
01:10:17,050 --> 01:10:18,050
- Good.
- I don't expect

1437
01:10:18,177 --> 01:10:19,927
anything from anyone
but disappointment.

1438
01:10:20,053 --> 01:10:21,596
You'll love me, then.

1439
01:10:21,722 --> 01:10:25,224
And I will never have sex
with anyone again for as long as I live,

1440
01:10:25,350 --> 01:10:26,475
and certainly not with you.

1441
01:10:26,602 --> 01:10:27,852
So just fuck off!

1442
01:10:27,978 --> 01:10:29,770
All of you, just fuck off!

1443
01:10:29,897 --> 01:10:31,772
Does this affect our deal?

1444
01:10:31,899 --> 01:10:33,524
Fuck your deal!

1445
01:10:37,070 --> 01:10:39,030
- Ahhhh!
- (MUTTERS IN GREEK)

1446
01:10:40,949 --> 01:10:41,991
Lucy.

1447
01:10:42,117 --> 01:10:44,035
Oh! Are you getting out?

1448
01:10:44,161 --> 01:10:47,371
- Yes.
- That was Carli, did you see her?

1449
01:10:48,832 --> 01:10:49,790
Yeah.

1450
01:10:49,917 --> 01:10:51,167
It was dark, but I saw her.

1451
01:10:51,293 --> 01:10:52,543
Isn't she beautiful?

1452
01:10:52,669 --> 01:10:54,670
Yes, she's very beautiful.

1453
01:10:55,839 --> 01:10:57,673
I'm going now.

1454
01:10:57,799 --> 01:10:59,508
Oh. OK!

1455
01:11:26,745 --> 01:11:29,205
- All right?
- I've been better.

1456
01:11:29,331 --> 01:11:31,624
- What are you doing?
- I'm thinking.

1457
01:11:31,750 --> 01:11:33,209
About how shit the holiday is?

1458
01:11:33,335 --> 01:11:36,295
Partly that. Partly I'm thinking
about putting stones in my pockets

1459
01:11:36,421 --> 01:11:37,588
and chucking myself in the pool.

1460
01:11:37,714 --> 01:11:40,174
Oh, I wouldn't swim in that, it's rank.

1461
01:11:40,300 --> 01:11:41,259
Right.

1462
01:11:41,385 --> 01:11:42,677
Also, if you put stones in your pockets,

1463
01:11:42,803 --> 01:11:45,471
you'll sink, so...better to not
have the stones, really.

1464
01:11:45,597 --> 01:11:47,390
I'll bear that in mind, Neil.

1465
01:11:49,518 --> 01:11:53,646
I stopped believing in God when
I realised it was just "dog" backwards.

1466
01:11:53,772 --> 01:11:55,189
What?

1467
01:11:55,315 --> 01:11:59,110
Well, when you think about it -
G-O-D, D-O-G.

1468
01:11:59,236 --> 01:12:01,404
It's like an anagram,
but a backwards one, innit?

1469
01:12:01,530 --> 01:12:02,738
Right.

1470
01:12:02,865 --> 01:12:05,491
And then, after that,
I just stopped worrying about stuff.

1471
01:12:05,617 --> 01:12:08,786
You only get one go round, I reckon.
When you're dead, you're dead.

1472
01:12:08,912 --> 01:12:11,372
So you can spend your time thinking
about how things haven't gone perfect

1473
01:12:11,498 --> 01:12:14,333
or you can just get on with it,
have a laugh and that.

1474
01:12:14,459 --> 01:12:16,085
That's what I do, I'm pretty happy.

1475
01:12:18,046 --> 01:12:19,171
You are, aren't you?

1476
01:12:19,298 --> 01:12:20,423
Yeah!

1477
01:12:20,549 --> 01:12:23,134
Thanks, Neil. Thanks for that.

1478
01:12:23,260 --> 01:12:26,470
Just remember, it's D-O-G backwards.

1479
01:12:26,597 --> 01:12:27,930
No, not that.

1480
01:12:28,056 --> 01:12:30,182
No of fence, but that's moronic.
No, thanks for coming to cheer me up.

1481
01:12:30,309 --> 01:12:31,642
I didn't come to cheer you up,

1482
01:12:31,768 --> 01:12:33,644
I come to say I did a shit
in the children's toilet

1483
01:12:33,770 --> 01:12:34,979
and I can't get rid of it.

1484
01:12:35,105 --> 01:12:36,480
Oh, God!

1485
01:12:37,774 --> 01:12:40,234
Cos I thought I'd try something
different, you know? As a treat.

1486
01:12:40,652 --> 01:12:42,528
- Oh...
- Oh!

1487
01:12:43,614 --> 01:12:44,989
Oh!

1488
01:12:45,115 --> 01:12:46,699
Neil, what the fuck has gone into that?

1489
01:12:46,825 --> 01:12:48,618
Have you been eating tear gas?

1490
01:12:48,744 --> 01:12:50,202
No, it's just a bit beery.

1491
01:12:50,329 --> 01:12:52,204
And that meatiness
is probably the kebabs.

1492
01:12:53,373 --> 01:12:55,416
OK, that's it. Neil, you were right.

1493
01:12:55,542 --> 01:12:56,542
It may not be paradise,

1494
01:12:56,668 --> 01:12:58,502
but we can at least try and enjoy
this place for exactly what it is.

1495
01:12:58,629 --> 01:12:59,795
A shithole?

1496
01:12:59,922 --> 01:13:01,672
Yes, but it's our shithole,
so let's get out there

1497
01:13:01,798 --> 01:13:04,467
and get royally fucked up
on Jay's dead grandad's money.

1498
01:13:04,593 --> 01:13:06,135
It's what he would have wanted.

1499
01:13:06,261 --> 01:13:09,013
If we get fined 50 euros, Neil,
you're paying it.

1500
01:13:09,139 --> 01:13:11,307
- But it's not on the floor.
- Some of it is on the floor.

1501
01:13:11,433 --> 01:13:13,017
Well, yeah, some of it.

1502
01:13:13,143 --> 01:13:17,313
(# MIKE SKINNER: Clunge In A Barrel)

1503
01:13:21,527 --> 01:14:19,333
# I know you're there

1504
01:14:32,097 --> 01:14:50,698
# It's my sound

1505
01:14:50,824 --> 01:14:53,910
# It's my... It's my...
It's my... #

1506
01:14:54,036 --> 01:14:56,746
(SONG DISTORTS)

1507
01:15:00,000 --> 01:15:02,335
Is this normal enough for you?

1508
01:15:02,461 --> 01:15:04,670
- Probably a bit too normal.
- (LAUGHTER)

1509
01:15:04,796 --> 01:15:06,255
(WILL SPLUTTERS)

1510
01:15:08,467 --> 01:15:10,426
(COUGHS)

1511
01:15:10,552 --> 01:15:12,386
SIMON: I'm almost going to miss him
when I'm at uni.

1512
01:15:12,513 --> 01:15:14,263
When he's at uni, you mean.

1513
01:15:14,389 --> 01:15:17,975
- Yeah, but I'll be at uni too.
- Will ya?

1514
01:15:18,101 --> 01:15:19,936
- What, this year?
- In a few weeks.

1515
01:15:20,062 --> 01:15:23,147
Oh, what? Just cos Will's going?

1516
01:15:23,273 --> 01:15:26,234
- No. Cos I want to.
- Well...what about me?

1517
01:15:26,360 --> 01:15:27,610
What?

1518
01:15:28,737 --> 01:15:30,446
Well, what am I going to do?

1519
01:15:32,199 --> 01:15:34,951
Um...I don't know.

1520
01:15:36,703 --> 01:15:38,204
Look, I thought you knew
I was going to uni.

1521
01:15:39,498 --> 01:15:41,249
Yeah, course. No, but...

1522
01:15:41,375 --> 01:15:43,376
it's just that I was going to use
my grandad's money

1523
01:15:43,502 --> 01:15:46,462
to set us up in business,
selling car stereos

1524
01:15:46,588 --> 01:15:48,047
to Premiership footballers.

1525
01:15:48,173 --> 01:15:50,049
Neil was going
to work in the depot, but...

1526
01:15:50,175 --> 01:15:53,386
me, you and Rio Ferdinand are on sales,
like, having a laugh and that.

1527
01:15:54,513 --> 01:15:55,721
Oh, right.

1528
01:15:55,848 --> 01:15:57,974
Yeah, I'm going to do sociology.

1529
01:15:59,852 --> 01:16:01,102
Fuck.

1530
01:16:02,437 --> 01:16:05,982
I'm sorry I ripped your tickets up now.
Could have had a bit of a send-off.

1531
01:16:07,317 --> 01:16:09,402
- What tickets?
- Boat party ones.

1532
01:16:09,528 --> 01:16:12,905
I bought them when I was pissed the
other night. I thought I'd surprise you.

1533
01:16:14,324 --> 01:16:17,076
- Oh, well.
- You what... You tore them up?!

1534
01:16:18,412 --> 01:16:21,956
- Yeah.
- What, after we had the fight?

1535
01:16:22,082 --> 01:16:25,459
Yeah, I...I was angry
cos you had a go, and that.

1536
01:16:25,586 --> 01:16:27,670
Yeah, sure.

1537
01:16:29,715 --> 01:16:30,882
Makes sense.

1538
01:16:34,803 --> 01:16:35,887
You fucking arsehole!

1539
01:16:36,013 --> 01:16:38,264
Yeah? You want me
to fucking mash you up again,

1540
01:16:38,390 --> 01:16:39,348
- do ya?
- Yeah!

1541
01:16:39,474 --> 01:16:41,726
- Yeah?
- Yeah!

1542
01:16:42,811 --> 01:16:46,647
Oh, you two...can't I even have a piss
out of the end of my cock in peace?

1543
01:16:49,985 --> 01:16:50,943
You two go on,

1544
01:16:51,069 --> 01:16:55,531
I'm just going to have
a little recovery snooze.

1545
01:17:06,710 --> 01:17:09,962
Come on, mate,
you can have my bed tonight,

1546
01:17:10,088 --> 01:17:11,631
this one's a bit bitey.

1547
01:17:15,969 --> 01:17:18,679
Did I tell you I touched a boob tonight?

1548
01:17:18,805 --> 01:17:20,973
Like... Like a real boob.

1549
01:17:21,099 --> 01:17:24,560
A girl's one.
I didn't get to lick it, though.

1550
01:17:24,686 --> 01:17:27,313
This has been the best night of my life.

1551
01:17:39,159 --> 01:17:40,952
It was the day of the boat party,

1552
01:17:41,078 --> 01:17:44,205
and it looked like literally
everyone in Malia had a ticket.

1553
01:17:44,331 --> 01:17:45,873
Well, everyone except me and Simon,

1554
01:17:45,999 --> 01:17:48,584
whose mood was now bluer than his balls.

1555
01:17:49,711 --> 01:17:51,754
If I could, I'd give you my ticket, Si.

1556
01:17:51,880 --> 01:17:53,798
You can, just give me your ticket.

1557
01:17:53,924 --> 01:17:57,176
Yeah, but I really want to go,
so you see, actually, I can't.

1558
01:17:57,302 --> 01:17:59,387
- Take Jay's ticket.
- No, I think he needs it.

1559
01:17:59,513 --> 01:18:00,680
What, cos of Jane?

1560
01:18:00,806 --> 01:18:04,850
No, in case the captain dies
and they need me to drive the boat.

1561
01:18:04,977 --> 01:18:07,687
(GROANING)

1562
01:18:07,813 --> 01:18:11,232
Eased up on the vomiting,
mainly retching now.

1563
01:18:11,358 --> 01:18:13,192
For the record, they don't clean
that toilet floor very often,

1564
01:18:13,318 --> 01:18:15,319
lots of pubes on hands, knees...
and my face

1565
01:18:15,445 --> 01:18:18,698
when I had a little lie-down.
I cannot believe we've been eating here.

1566
01:18:18,824 --> 01:18:19,782
Wow, they look hot!

1567
01:18:19,908 --> 01:18:22,451
- Bit young for you, ain't they, Neil?
- Behave.

1568
01:18:22,578 --> 01:18:24,954
Lucy. Lucy!

1569
01:18:25,080 --> 01:18:28,624
Alison! Aliso...
Oh. I give up.

1570
01:18:29,751 --> 01:18:31,502
All right, boys? Who killed Will?

1571
01:18:31,628 --> 01:18:32,753
(GROANS)

1572
01:18:32,880 --> 01:18:34,964
- What's up with Lucy?
- I don't know.

1573
01:18:35,090 --> 01:18:38,134
If you ask her rather than
talking about your ex the whole time,

1574
01:18:38,260 --> 01:18:41,220
- you might find out.
- Oh, God, really?

1575
01:18:41,346 --> 01:18:43,306
Fine.

1576
01:18:44,433 --> 01:18:46,100
- You coming to the boat party, then?
- You try and stop me.

1577
01:18:46,226 --> 01:18:48,853
We just saw two hot fellas
dressed as firemen getting on board.

1578
01:18:48,979 --> 01:18:51,105
Might need a hand with their hoses.

1579
01:18:51,231 --> 01:18:53,816
Might have to set fire to my knickers.

1580
01:18:53,942 --> 01:18:56,110
- I'll come with you, if you like.
- No, thank you.

1581
01:18:56,236 --> 01:18:57,486
Come on, Lisa.

1582
01:18:59,448 --> 01:19:01,532
You look as bad on the outside
as I feel on the inside.

1583
01:19:01,658 --> 01:19:05,161
Oh, don't worry,
I feel like shit on the inside too.

1584
01:19:05,287 --> 01:19:06,704
Although...

1585
01:19:06,830 --> 01:19:08,623
I don't have a pube on my cheek.

1586
01:19:08,749 --> 01:19:10,166
Oh, God.

1587
01:19:10,292 --> 01:19:14,378
Anyway, seeing you in such a mess
has at least cheered me up a bit.

1588
01:19:14,505 --> 01:19:15,463
Glad to be of service.

1589
01:19:15,589 --> 01:19:18,549
You know I have a penis
sunburnt on my back too.

1590
01:19:18,675 --> 01:19:21,135
Must be reassuring to know
that however bad life gets,

1591
01:19:21,261 --> 01:19:22,220
you're not me.

1592
01:19:22,346 --> 01:19:23,304
It is.

1593
01:19:23,430 --> 01:19:26,599
Good. That means every time you're down,
you have to come and hang out with me.

1594
01:19:26,725 --> 01:19:27,808
Yeah, I think I might.

1595
01:19:27,935 --> 01:19:29,268
Starting with today.

1596
01:19:29,394 --> 01:19:31,562
I've got Nicos's ticket
for the boat party.

1597
01:19:31,688 --> 01:19:32,647
Do you fancy joining me?

1598
01:19:32,773 --> 01:19:34,190
Um, yes.

1599
01:19:34,316 --> 01:19:35,483
More than anything.

1600
01:19:35,609 --> 01:19:37,777
Great. On one condition, though.

1601
01:19:37,903 --> 01:19:39,195
Anything.

1602
01:19:39,321 --> 01:19:41,948
At no point are you allowed
to say, "I told you so."

1603
01:19:42,074 --> 01:19:44,659
Ooh, not sure I can guarantee that.

1604
01:19:44,785 --> 01:19:47,453
So it's not that I'd rather go
to a party that infinitely heightens

1605
01:19:47,579 --> 01:19:49,747
my sense of being out of kilter
with the rest of the world,

1606
01:19:49,873 --> 01:19:52,708
it's just that Alison is sort of
the fittest girl I've ever met

1607
01:19:52,835 --> 01:19:54,710
- and maybe...
- It's fine, Will, honestly.

1608
01:19:54,837 --> 01:19:57,672
Go for it, I'll just find a quiet spot
and hang myself.

1609
01:19:57,798 --> 01:19:59,966
Great. Lucy, make sure
he doesn't hang himself.

1610
01:20:00,092 --> 01:20:02,843
I'm off. Look at me,
following my cock like a normal person.

1611
01:20:06,473 --> 01:20:07,807
Sorry for saying cock.

1612
01:20:14,439 --> 01:20:16,649
I didn't realise
I was being such a dick.

1613
01:20:18,443 --> 01:20:19,527
You were.

1614
01:20:20,654 --> 01:20:24,615
- I'm trying to say sorry.
- Well, say it, then.

1615
01:20:24,741 --> 01:20:26,200
Sorry.

1616
01:20:26,326 --> 01:20:27,952
For being a dick.

1617
01:20:28,078 --> 01:20:29,745
Sorry for being a dick.

1618
01:20:31,081 --> 01:20:32,915
And for having too much gel
in your hair.

1619
01:20:33,041 --> 01:20:34,709
I don't think I've got that much...

1620
01:20:34,835 --> 01:20:37,670
OK, I'm sorry for having
too much gel in my hair.

1621
01:20:41,925 --> 01:20:43,885
You should probably get going.

1622
01:20:44,011 --> 01:20:45,469
I'm not that bothered.

1623
01:20:45,596 --> 01:20:46,554
Really?

1624
01:20:46,680 --> 01:20:47,847
Yeah.

1625
01:20:47,973 --> 01:20:50,850
If you like, maybe we could hang out,
the two of us.

1626
01:20:50,976 --> 01:20:52,894
I quite fancy just staying by the pool.

1627
01:20:53,020 --> 01:20:56,772
Yeah, I mean, why spend the day
having unbelievable fun on the party boat

1628
01:20:56,899 --> 01:21:00,443
when you could be taking a depressed man
swimming at a family hotel?

1629
01:21:00,569 --> 01:21:01,569
I'm serious.

1630
01:21:01,695 --> 01:21:03,195
I don't mind.

1631
01:21:04,364 --> 01:21:06,240
I might even cheer you up...

1632
01:21:06,366 --> 01:21:08,200
if they let you back in.

1633
01:21:08,327 --> 01:21:10,995
I honestly don't think
I'll be very good company,

1634
01:21:11,121 --> 01:21:12,705
but thanks for the offer.

1635
01:21:12,831 --> 01:21:15,041
You go, I'll be all right.

1636
01:21:21,882 --> 01:21:23,799
Look...

1637
01:21:23,926 --> 01:21:26,469
it's obvious how much
Carli means to you.

1638
01:21:26,595 --> 01:21:28,387
She's lucky...

1639
01:21:28,514 --> 01:21:29,597
I think.

1640
01:21:30,724 --> 01:21:32,308
I'm sure you'll sort it out.

1641
01:21:32,434 --> 01:21:35,561
She goes back tomorrow.
I can feel her slipping away.

1642
01:21:39,858 --> 01:21:40,983
Simon...

1643
01:21:41,109 --> 01:21:43,819
if she really means that much to you,

1644
01:21:43,946 --> 01:21:45,655
I want you to take my ticket.

1645
01:21:47,366 --> 01:21:48,324
Lucy...

1646
01:21:48,450 --> 01:21:51,702
If you really want to go, take it.

1647
01:21:53,455 --> 01:21:55,957
If you really want to go.

1648
01:21:57,376 --> 01:21:58,751
God, you'd do that for me?

1649
01:21:58,877 --> 01:22:00,711
Yeah.

1650
01:22:02,005 --> 01:22:03,798
Thanks!

1651
01:22:03,924 --> 01:22:06,259
I'll see you later,
enjoy the pool! Will!

1652
01:22:06,385 --> 01:22:07,927
Will! I got a ticket, I got a ticket!

1653
01:22:08,053 --> 01:22:09,595
Will!

1654
01:22:09,721 --> 01:22:11,347
I got a ticket, I got a ticket!

1655
01:22:18,105 --> 01:22:19,438
# We are go!

1656
01:22:19,565 --> 01:22:23,150
# The time has come to leave this place

1657
01:22:23,277 --> 01:22:27,196
# Leave it all behind

1658
01:22:27,322 --> 01:22:30,992
# There's so much more here to envision

1659
01:22:31,118 --> 01:22:33,786
# Out of your mind... #

1660
01:22:33,912 --> 01:22:36,372
WILL: The boat party
was Jay's promised land...

1661
01:22:36,498 --> 01:22:39,166
sun, sea, booze, and who knows,

1662
01:22:39,293 --> 01:22:43,379
maybe even some sex, minge,
fanny and tits...and booze...and sex.

1663
01:22:43,505 --> 01:22:44,505
Mental!

1664
01:22:44,631 --> 01:22:47,091
- Cheeky shot to get us started?
- You are kidding.

1665
01:22:47,217 --> 01:22:48,217
Oh, come on, it's the best cure.

1666
01:22:48,343 --> 01:22:49,677
Fair enough, what are we toasting?

1667
01:22:49,803 --> 01:22:52,054
To the Pussay!

1668
01:22:52,181 --> 01:22:53,931
ALL: The Pussay!

1669
01:22:56,310 --> 01:22:57,977
Neil?

1670
01:22:58,103 --> 01:22:59,437
To being playas!

1671
01:22:59,563 --> 01:23:01,272
ALL: Playas!

1672
01:23:04,026 --> 01:23:05,026
Si?

1673
01:23:05,152 --> 01:23:06,152
To me and Carli!

1674
01:23:06,278 --> 01:23:08,195
- No, you're all right, mate.
- Fuck off.

1675
01:23:10,365 --> 01:23:13,701
Fine. Well, I'm going off
to find her, anyway.

1676
01:23:13,827 --> 01:23:16,329
- Oh, Si, I forgot something.
- What?

1677
01:23:16,455 --> 01:23:18,414
Ah! For fuck's sake.

1678
01:23:18,540 --> 01:23:20,458
You know I should probably find Jane,
I promised her a dance.

1679
01:23:20,584 --> 01:23:23,711
- What?
- Well, no, just a dance.

1680
01:23:23,837 --> 01:23:25,755
And then we can get
some proper fit gash.

1681
01:23:25,881 --> 01:23:26,881
But Jane's all right, you know.

1682
01:23:27,007 --> 01:23:28,049
She's a laugh.

1683
01:23:28,175 --> 01:23:29,342
The fat ones are always jolly.

1684
01:23:29,468 --> 01:23:32,470
Neil, what a horrible thing to say.

1685
01:23:33,597 --> 01:23:36,057
- Just you and me, then, Will.
- Oh, no.

1686
01:23:36,183 --> 01:23:38,768
Oh, God.
What was I thinking, tequila?!

1687
01:23:42,105 --> 01:23:43,231
Shit, sorry!

1688
01:23:46,485 --> 01:23:47,735
Sorry!

1689
01:23:49,780 --> 01:23:52,198
Make your bloody mind up, you wally!

1690
01:23:54,409 --> 01:23:56,702
(SIGHS)

1691
01:24:20,352 --> 01:24:22,061
Richard! All right, mate?

1692
01:24:22,187 --> 01:24:23,312
- All right!
- How's it going?

1693
01:24:23,438 --> 01:24:24,438
Yeah, not too bad.

1694
01:24:24,565 --> 01:24:26,941
I was DJing at this techno club, right?

1695
01:24:27,067 --> 01:24:29,068
And this mental emo bird
comes over to me and says,

1696
01:24:29,194 --> 01:24:30,945
"I want you to piss on me
and then fuck me."

1697
01:24:31,071 --> 01:24:32,113
So I pissed all over her.

1698
01:24:32,239 --> 01:24:33,197
And then fucked her?

1699
01:24:33,323 --> 01:24:34,407
No, she was covered in piss!

1700
01:24:34,533 --> 01:24:35,491
Oh, course.

1701
01:24:35,617 --> 01:24:37,618
Anyway, the other day, right?

1702
01:24:37,744 --> 01:24:39,579
I started crying and couldn't stop,

1703
01:24:39,705 --> 01:24:43,457
so yeah, my mum and dad have flown over
to take me home. Pretty cool.

1704
01:24:49,548 --> 01:24:51,299
Yeah...

1705
01:24:51,425 --> 01:24:52,592
Come and say hello?

1706
01:24:52,718 --> 01:24:54,385
All right.

1707
01:24:55,929 --> 01:24:58,139
Dad, Mum.

1708
01:24:59,308 --> 01:25:00,391
All right...

1709
01:25:00,517 --> 01:25:03,060
Back off, bitch!

1710
01:25:03,187 --> 01:25:05,062
Not this time.

1711
01:25:10,360 --> 01:25:11,235
Jane?

1712
01:25:11,361 --> 01:25:13,321
- Jane!
- Oh, hello.

1713
01:25:13,447 --> 01:25:15,406
Sure you want to be seen with me?

1714
01:25:16,491 --> 01:25:18,326
Yeah, I do. I really do.

1715
01:25:18,452 --> 01:25:20,661
Can we have that snog now?

1716
01:25:20,787 --> 01:25:23,289
What? Now? Here?
Right in front of everyone?

1717
01:25:23,415 --> 01:25:26,626
Um...yeah. Yeah.

1718
01:25:26,752 --> 01:25:28,336
Yeah? Well, I'm not that kind of girl.

1719
01:25:28,462 --> 01:25:29,837
Oh.

1720
01:25:29,963 --> 01:25:33,090
(POSH VOICE) So, I suggest
we find somewhere a little more private.

1721
01:25:33,217 --> 01:25:35,468
- I don't mind.
- I told you,

1722
01:25:35,594 --> 01:25:39,680
I do. And, to be fair, in private
you might get a blow job out of it.

1723
01:25:50,817 --> 01:25:52,568
- Simey!
- Oh, hi!

1724
01:25:52,694 --> 01:25:53,819
Carli!

1725
01:25:56,865 --> 01:25:58,032
Where have you been?

1726
01:25:58,158 --> 01:26:00,701
- I've been looking all over for you.
- I need to tell you something.

1727
01:26:00,827 --> 01:26:02,703
Ssh! I know.

1728
01:26:23,392 --> 01:26:24,350
Get it all up.

1729
01:26:24,476 --> 01:26:26,769
Little easier
on the sunburnt cock, please.

1730
01:26:26,895 --> 01:26:27,979
Sorry.

1731
01:26:28,105 --> 01:26:29,188
It's fine.

1732
01:26:30,732 --> 01:26:33,067
I mean, what a total twat!

1733
01:26:33,193 --> 01:26:34,151
Me?!

1734
01:26:34,278 --> 01:26:37,488
No, Nicos, the total
and utter Greek twat.

1735
01:26:37,614 --> 01:26:38,614
Did you see her?

1736
01:26:38,740 --> 01:26:40,950
She was hideous,
she must have been at least 30.

1737
01:26:41,076 --> 01:26:43,828
I told you so.

1738
01:26:43,954 --> 01:26:45,788
You arsehole, you had to say it,
didn't you?

1739
01:26:45,914 --> 01:26:47,540
Even in the fucking state you're in,

1740
01:26:47,666 --> 01:26:51,252
- you couldn't resist.
- Sorry. But at least I'm consistent.

1741
01:26:52,462 --> 01:26:53,754
Yes, you are, aren't you?

1742
01:26:56,842 --> 01:27:00,386
OK, so I think I'd like
to revise my offer.

1743
01:27:00,512 --> 01:27:03,389
How about instead of having sex
with you in a year,

1744
01:27:03,515 --> 01:27:05,850
I have sex with you all year?

1745
01:27:07,895 --> 01:27:08,895
What?

1746
01:27:09,021 --> 01:27:11,981
- It's a one-time offer.
- To confirm,

1747
01:27:12,107 --> 01:27:14,317
do you mean like a girlfriend
or like a prostitute?

1748
01:27:14,443 --> 01:27:17,028
I was thinking more like a girlfriend.

1749
01:27:18,447 --> 01:27:22,158
- Could you write it...
- No! I am not going to write it down.

1750
01:27:23,535 --> 01:27:25,453
Look, what I'm trying to say is,
I like you.

1751
01:27:25,579 --> 01:27:28,748
Despite myself, I really do like you.

1752
01:27:30,125 --> 01:27:31,918
If you like me too, then we're on.

1753
01:27:35,255 --> 01:27:37,465
Um...but not till you've
brushed your teeth.

1754
01:27:38,550 --> 01:27:39,508
Oh!

1755
01:27:44,973 --> 01:27:48,184
- That should do it.
- You know we could do this for ever.

1756
01:27:48,310 --> 01:27:50,311
Yeah, I know, yeah.

1757
01:27:50,437 --> 01:27:52,188
Oh, God, Carls, I thought I'd lost you.

1758
01:27:52,314 --> 01:27:53,606
I thought I'd lost you!

1759
01:27:53,732 --> 01:27:56,067
And no matter how many times they hit me
in the balls, I knew I was right.

1760
01:27:56,193 --> 01:27:58,402
And I've worked it all out,
it was so simple.

1761
01:27:58,529 --> 01:27:59,987
I'll just get a job near your uni
for three years,

1762
01:28:00,113 --> 01:28:03,407
four if you do an MA,
and then we can be together for ever.

1763
01:28:03,534 --> 01:28:04,951
For ever.

1764
01:28:05,077 --> 01:28:06,202
Just like we should be.

1765
01:28:08,580 --> 01:28:10,248
Carli...

1766
01:28:11,333 --> 01:28:12,875
...what's wrong?

1767
01:28:13,001 --> 01:28:14,710
Did you hear what I said?

1768
01:28:14,837 --> 01:28:16,295
Something about being hit in the balls?

1769
01:28:16,421 --> 01:28:18,047
Well, yeah, but...

1770
01:28:18,173 --> 01:28:20,258
mainly about being together for ever.

1771
01:28:20,384 --> 01:28:22,843
Sorry, Simon,
could you just kiss me again?

1772
01:28:32,062 --> 01:28:34,438
Sorry, Carls, this is wrong.

1773
01:28:34,565 --> 01:28:35,773
What?

1774
01:28:35,899 --> 01:28:37,775
I've made a bad choice today.

1775
01:28:40,612 --> 01:28:43,072
I honestly wish you
all the best with your life,

1776
01:28:43,198 --> 01:28:45,324
but right now, I have to leave.

1777
01:28:46,535 --> 01:28:48,077
I don't think you'll ever see me again.

1778
01:28:50,122 --> 01:28:53,124
But I'll see you at your mum's birthday
in two weeks' time.

1779
01:28:53,250 --> 01:28:55,167
Well, yeah, but then after that.

1780
01:28:56,461 --> 01:28:57,712
And then your brother's 16th
the following week.

1781
01:28:57,838 --> 01:29:00,131
Yeah, it was more
of a metaphorical thing.

1782
01:29:00,257 --> 01:29:02,758
- Anyway, I'll see you around, Carls.
- Yes,

1783
01:29:02,885 --> 01:29:05,803
- at your mum's.
- Please, can I just...

1784
01:29:05,929 --> 01:29:07,054
Thank you.

1785
01:29:09,183 --> 01:29:12,602
Below deck, Neil was being as faithful
as ever to his girlfriend,

1786
01:29:12,728 --> 01:29:15,730
by aggressively dry-humping Lisa
to within an inch of her life.

1787
01:29:19,443 --> 01:29:20,401
Neil...

1788
01:29:20,527 --> 01:29:23,362
Neil, stop.

1789
01:29:23,488 --> 01:29:25,156
What's up? Is it my zip?
I can undo it, if you want.

1790
01:29:25,282 --> 01:29:27,825
No, it's not that.

1791
01:29:27,951 --> 01:29:29,493
I just think this is wrong.

1792
01:29:29,620 --> 01:29:31,662
I feel bad for your girlfriend.

1793
01:29:31,788 --> 01:29:34,832
- No, it's fine, we aren't kissing.
- Yeah, but...

1794
01:29:34,958 --> 01:29:36,834
look at what we are doing.

1795
01:29:36,960 --> 01:29:42,131
I mean, how do you think you'd feel
if you saw her doing this with a guy?

1796
01:29:42,257 --> 01:29:44,550
I wouldn't want to be treated like this.

1797
01:29:44,676 --> 01:29:47,136
- I've got ethics.
- Yeah.

1798
01:29:47,262 --> 01:29:50,097
Yeah, you're right,
it's just that, um...

1799
01:29:51,850 --> 01:29:54,101
...Nicole dumped me
before we got out here

1800
01:29:54,228 --> 01:29:57,104
and I didn't want to say anything
to the others cos I was embarrassed.

1801
01:29:57,231 --> 01:29:59,273
- Oh, Neil...
- Yeah.

1802
01:29:59,399 --> 01:30:03,527
She sent me this text, saying like,
"You dance like a twat, you are dumped."

1803
01:30:03,654 --> 01:30:05,821
It broke me up.

1804
01:30:05,948 --> 01:30:09,700
So...this is fine and, if you want,
we can even kiss.

1805
01:30:09,826 --> 01:30:11,619
Oh, Neil!

1806
01:30:11,745 --> 01:30:13,287
Is that true? Really?

1807
01:30:13,413 --> 01:30:15,164
Yeah, course.

1808
01:30:15,290 --> 01:30:16,332
If you like.

1809
01:30:24,174 --> 01:30:26,592
That was just... I mean...

1810
01:30:26,718 --> 01:30:29,595
Did it not taste funny?
Cos it looks funny.

1811
01:30:29,721 --> 01:30:30,930
All right, mate, who's this, then?

1812
01:30:31,056 --> 01:30:32,306
Hi, I'm Jane.

1813
01:30:32,432 --> 01:30:34,475
- She's my girlfriend.
- Oh, is she?

1814
01:30:34,601 --> 01:30:37,270
Fuckin' hell, you want to be careful
she doesn't fall overboard

1815
01:30:37,396 --> 01:30:38,563
- cos...
- Cos I'll get harpooned?

1816
01:30:38,689 --> 01:30:40,940
Cos they might think I'm a new island?

1817
01:30:41,066 --> 01:30:43,025
Cos all the water will splash out
onto the land?

1818
01:30:43,151 --> 01:30:45,027
I've heard them all, take your pick.

1819
01:30:45,153 --> 01:30:47,697
Fuckin' 'ell, tubs, all right,
it was only a joke.

1820
01:30:47,823 --> 01:30:50,908
Anyway, seeing as you're coming
out there like a naughty boy,

1821
01:30:51,034 --> 01:30:54,161
how about you do me a favour?
I need a note for the old toot.

1822
01:30:54,288 --> 01:30:57,123
We weren't doing drugs, actually.

1823
01:30:57,249 --> 01:30:58,791
Christ, for his sake, I hope you were.

1824
01:30:58,917 --> 01:31:01,836
There are laws against fucking cow,
mate, even in Greece.

1825
01:31:03,589 --> 01:31:06,591
Now, I'm going to need to take that note
off you. You're a mate.

1826
01:31:06,717 --> 01:31:08,676
You don't mind, do you?

1827
01:31:08,802 --> 01:31:10,261
Give.

1828
01:31:13,056 --> 01:31:14,307
No, no, not at all.

1829
01:31:19,271 --> 01:31:21,105
There you are, mate, already rolled.

1830
01:31:21,231 --> 01:31:23,024
Cheers. I'll keep this, yeah?

1831
01:31:23,150 --> 01:31:24,400
No problemo.

1832
01:31:26,320 --> 01:31:28,613
WILL: I think the Government's
anti-drugs campaign

1833
01:31:28,739 --> 01:31:30,531
would be more successful
if they pointed out

1834
01:31:30,657 --> 01:31:31,699
that every now and again,

1835
01:31:31,825 --> 01:31:34,660
there's a small chance you might
accidentally snort some poo.

1836
01:31:34,786 --> 01:31:37,163
(RETCHES)

1837
01:31:44,004 --> 01:31:45,213
Simon?

1838
01:31:45,339 --> 01:31:46,797
- Are you all right?
- Yeah.

1839
01:31:46,924 --> 01:31:50,468
Yeah, for the first time in my life,
I think I actually am.

1840
01:31:50,594 --> 01:31:51,677
I'm clear, anyway.

1841
01:31:51,803 --> 01:31:52,803
How'd it go with Carli?

1842
01:31:52,930 --> 01:31:54,764
Long term - good. Short term - horrific.

1843
01:31:54,890 --> 01:31:56,933
Have you murdered her?

1844
01:31:57,059 --> 01:31:59,018
No, but I am starting to think
that maybe Carli's not all that.

1845
01:31:59,144 --> 01:32:00,311
Well, it's taken a while.

1846
01:32:00,437 --> 01:32:02,647
- Better late than never.
- I think Lucy might be the one.

1847
01:32:02,773 --> 01:32:04,815
Yes, obviously.

1848
01:32:04,942 --> 01:32:06,943
Lucy's much nicer
and actually likes you.

1849
01:32:07,069 --> 01:32:09,028
But I'm worried I might have been
a bit of a dick to her.

1850
01:32:09,154 --> 01:32:12,907
You've been more than a bit of a dick
to her. You've been a massive dick to her.

1851
01:32:13,033 --> 01:32:14,700
She still likes you, anyway.

1852
01:32:14,826 --> 01:32:16,160
Good, that's really good.

1853
01:32:23,585 --> 01:32:25,878
Does he always strip when he's happy?

1854
01:32:26,004 --> 01:32:27,046
Yeah, normally.

1855
01:32:28,215 --> 01:32:30,299
Simon!
You can't go up there, there's a sign.

1856
01:32:30,425 --> 01:32:31,634
Oh, sign(!)

1857
01:32:31,760 --> 01:32:33,719
Alison, will you text Lucy
and tell her I'm coming to get her?

1858
01:32:33,846 --> 01:32:34,929
Course I will.

1859
01:32:35,055 --> 01:32:36,264
Brilliant!

1860
01:32:36,390 --> 01:32:37,431
All right?

1861
01:32:37,558 --> 01:32:38,599
Yeah.

1862
01:32:38,725 --> 01:32:39,809
What are you doing up there, then?

1863
01:32:39,935 --> 01:32:42,270
I'm going to swim back to shore
and tell Lucy how I feel.

1864
01:32:42,396 --> 01:32:43,688
How romantic.

1865
01:32:43,814 --> 01:32:45,314
It is, isn't it?

1866
01:32:49,236 --> 01:32:50,611
Is it a bit far?

1867
01:32:50,737 --> 01:32:53,364
No, bollocks. You can see the shore.

1868
01:32:53,490 --> 01:32:55,116
I've swum further than that underwater.

1869
01:32:55,242 --> 01:32:56,993
Do it! Just swim there

1870
01:32:57,119 --> 01:32:59,078
and show her what she means to you
and then kiss her.

1871
01:32:59,204 --> 01:33:00,162
On the fanny!

1872
01:33:00,289 --> 01:33:01,539
- Jay!
- Sorry, darling.

1873
01:33:10,883 --> 01:33:13,092
Right, fuck it, you only live once.

1874
01:33:13,218 --> 01:33:15,553
(CHEERING)

1875
01:33:20,350 --> 01:33:23,477
ALL: Jump, jump, jump, jump,
jump, jump, jump, jump!

1876
01:33:26,231 --> 01:33:28,316
Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump!

1877
01:33:28,442 --> 01:33:31,569
Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump,
jump, jump!

1878
01:33:35,449 --> 01:34:03,434
(CHEERING)

1879
01:34:32,464 --> 01:34:35,883
I think he might be drowning.

1880
01:35:12,629 --> 01:35:14,297
Simon!

1881
01:35:18,177 --> 01:35:20,344
Oh, I think I've shit myself.

1882
01:35:25,893 --> 01:35:28,060
Lucy, it's normally bigger, it was cold.

1883
01:35:30,022 --> 01:35:32,148
WILL: One of us should probably have
gone to hospital with Simon.

1884
01:35:32,274 --> 01:35:35,151
But, to be perfectly honest,
we had more important things to do.

1885
01:35:35,569 --> 01:35:37,028
( # SEAN KINGSTON: Party All Night)

1886
01:35:37,154 --> 01:35:38,404
# - Woah-oh
- Kingston

1887
01:35:40,157 --> 01:35:42,825
# - Woah-oh
- Let's go!

1888
01:35:42,951 --> 01:35:45,828
# We like to sleep all day
and party all night

1889
01:35:45,954 --> 01:35:50,625
# This is how we like to live our life

1890
01:35:50,751 --> 01:35:54,086
# I got a feeling
everything is gonna be all right

1891
01:35:54,213 --> 01:35:58,674
# So come on, come on, come on

1892
01:35:58,800 --> 01:36:01,719
# We like to sleep all day
and party all night

1893
01:36:01,845 --> 01:36:06,015
# This is how we like to live our life

1894
01:36:06,141 --> 01:36:09,227
# I got a feeling
everything is going to be all right

1895
01:36:09,353 --> 01:36:14,899
# So come on, come on, come on
Let's party tonight

1896
01:36:15,025 --> 01:36:16,150
# Intoxication, yeah

1897
01:36:16,276 --> 01:36:20,404
# The feel of liberation, yeah

1898
01:36:20,531 --> 01:36:25,910
# We goin' like a rebel with a cause
and we breakin' the laws

1899
01:36:26,036 --> 01:36:28,955
# And we rock it, rock it, rock it
Whoa-oh

1900
01:36:29,081 --> 01:36:31,874
# No hibernation, no

1901
01:36:32,960 --> 01:36:35,211
# No, not until the day comes, no

1902
01:36:37,047 --> 01:36:40,550
# We gonna paint the town red
till God knows when

1903
01:36:40,676 --> 01:36:44,262
# Cos we rock it, whoa-oh

1904
01:36:44,388 --> 01:36:48,683
# And we don't got a worry in sight
and until it gets bright outside

1905
01:36:48,809 --> 01:36:52,228
# We breakin' all the rules that we know

1906
01:36:52,354 --> 01:36:55,773
# We outta control, we rock and we roll

1907
01:36:55,899 --> 01:37:00,695
# Ain't nothing gonna ever stop the party
You know we go, we all

1908
01:37:00,821 --> 01:37:03,990
# We like to sleep all day
and party all night

1909
01:37:04,116 --> 01:37:08,286
# This is how we like to live our life

1910
01:37:08,412 --> 01:37:11,664
# I got a feeling
everything is gonna be all right

1911
01:37:11,790 --> 01:37:15,001
# So come on, come on, come on

1912
01:37:15,127 --> 01:37:19,380
# We like to sleep all day
and party all night

1913
01:37:19,506 --> 01:37:23,551
# This is how we like to live our life

1914
01:37:23,677 --> 01:37:26,929
# I got a feeling
everything is gonna be all right

1915
01:37:27,055 --> 01:37:30,391
# So come on, come on, come on

1916
01:37:30,517 --> 01:37:34,854
# We gonna rock until the night is done

1917
01:37:34,980 --> 01:37:39,150
# We ain't gonna stop
until we see the sun

1918
01:37:39,276 --> 01:37:42,945
# And we don't ever have a problem
No need for solutions

1919
01:37:43,071 --> 01:37:47,199
# We starting up a revolution

1920
01:37:47,326 --> 01:37:50,244
# We like to sleep all day
and party all night

1921
01:37:50,370 --> 01:37:54,206
# This is how we like to live our life

1922
01:37:54,333 --> 01:37:58,169
# I got a feeling
everything is gonna be all right

1923
01:37:58,295 --> 01:38:02,381
# So come on, come on, come on

1924
01:38:02,508 --> 01:38:05,801
# We like to sleep all day
and party all night

1925
01:38:05,928 --> 01:38:10,223
# This is how we like to live our life

1926
01:38:10,349 --> 01:38:13,601
# I got a feeling
everything is gonna be all right

1927
01:38:13,727 --> 01:38:17,563
# So come on, come on, come on

1928
01:38:17,689 --> 01:38:19,649
# Let's party tonight, whoa-oh. #

1929
01:38:40,170 --> 01:38:42,755
# Going to the racetrack
To try and get your money back

1930
01:38:42,881 --> 01:38:44,715
# Got caught trying to break in

1931
01:38:44,842 --> 01:38:46,425
# But just laughed and said

1932
01:38:47,636 --> 01:38:49,303
# It couldn't have been me

1933
01:38:51,181 --> 01:38:53,975
# She shaved off her hair
Said that she didn't care

1934
01:38:54,101 --> 01:38:57,853
# That life is so unfair
Oh, but all she wanted

1935
01:38:57,980 --> 01:39:00,481
# Was to be left alone

1936
01:39:02,192 --> 01:39:04,652
# He said he missed bliss
Smiled and left a kiss

1937
01:39:04,778 --> 01:39:08,322
# And I said this isn't it
But, baby, please come home

1938
01:39:09,575 --> 01:39:12,076
# And start again

1939
01:39:14,413 --> 01:39:17,248
# Cos all you've ever wanted

1940
01:39:19,543 --> 01:39:22,211
# Has gone up in flames

1941
01:39:25,048 --> 01:39:28,301
# And all you've ever wanted

1942
01:39:30,512 --> 01:39:33,472
# Can never stay the same

1943
01:39:45,402 --> 01:39:50,823
# Oh, no, this can't be happening

1944
01:39:50,949 --> 01:39:56,954
# I said oh, no, this can't be happening

1945
01:39:57,080 --> 01:39:59,916
# Going to the racetrack
To try and get your money back

1946
01:40:00,042 --> 01:40:03,377
# Got caught trying to break in
But just laughed and said

1947
01:40:03,504 --> 01:40:06,422
# It couldn't have been me

1948
01:40:07,633 --> 01:40:10,801
# She wore lip gloss
Cried when she got cross

1949
01:40:10,928 --> 01:40:14,347
# And all that she had was lost
Yeah, she sold it all

1950
01:40:15,807 --> 01:40:17,600
# All for pearls

1951
01:40:19,102 --> 01:40:21,771
# He said he missed bliss
Smiled and left a kiss

1952
01:40:21,897 --> 01:40:25,566
# And I said this isn't it
But, baby, oh, please come home

1953
01:40:25,692 --> 01:40:28,569
# And start again

1954
01:40:31,198 --> 01:40:34,200
# Cos all you've ever wanted

1955
01:40:36,620 --> 01:40:39,247
# Has gone up in flames

1956
01:40:42,167 --> 01:40:45,086
# And all you've ever wanted

1957
01:40:47,548 --> 01:40:50,383
# Can never stay the same

1958
01:40:52,845 --> 01:40:57,306
# And all you've ever wanted

1959
01:40:58,475 --> 01:41:00,935
# Has gone up in flames

1960
01:41:03,897 --> 01:41:08,150
# And all you've ever wanted

1961
01:41:09,486 --> 01:41:11,487
# Can never stay the same. #