1
00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:06,040
(ROCK OF AGES PLAYING)
2
00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:09,520
♪ All right ♪
3
00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:14,800
♪ I got something to say ♪
4
00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:16,640
♪ Yeah ♪
5
00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:19,320
♪ It's better to burn out ♪
6
00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:20,640
♪ Yeah ♪
7
00:00:20,680 --> 00:00:22,320
♪ Than fade away ♪
8
00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:26,800
♪ All right ♪
9
00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:31,080
♪ Ow ♪
10
00:00:31,160 --> 00:00:32,400
Terrific.
11
00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:36,240
♪ Gonna start a fire ♪
12
00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:39,520
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
13
00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:40,680
♪ Come on ♪
14
00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:42,880
What's up, numb-nuts?
15
00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:44,280
Read 'em and weep.
16
00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:46,120
Van Halen at the Centrum.
17
00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:47,360
Third row!
18
00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:49,080
You should take
Jolene, man.
19
00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:50,920
I heard
she got big nipples.
20
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,720
This is
Van freakin' Halen, man.
21
00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:54,280
Get serious.
22
00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:57,280
Besides, I'm just not
into girls anymore.
23
00:00:57,320 --> 00:00:59,760
Dude, I'm into guys, too!
24
00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:01,080
No, no, no, no, no.
25
00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:02,400
That's not what I meant.
26
00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:05,600
I'm into women.
27
00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:08,320
(I WAS MADE FOR
LOVING YOU PLAYING)
28
00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:22,120
♪ Yeah ♪
29
00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:34,160
Hey, Mary.
30
00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:37,400
I got two tickets to
Van Halen this weekend.
31
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What time should I
pick you up?
32
00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:41,480
It is Miss McGarricle, Donny.
33
00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:45,000
And that's cute, but I am your
teacher, not your girlfriend.
34
00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:47,600
Whoa, Miss McGarricle, who said
anything about girlfriends?
35
00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:49,240
Let's just start
with a summer fling,
36
00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:50,640
couple of hand jobs,
37
00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:52,400
no expectations.
38
00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:54,480
Don't get all psycho
on me right away.
39
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:56,960
That is a month's
detention.
40
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,240
What's a hand job?
41
00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:03,840
I don't know,
but I think I want one.
42
00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:08,760
Can I go to
the bathroom?
43
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:11,720
No. No talking in
detention, Mr. Berger.
44
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:13,680
All right,
I'm sorry for what I did.
45
00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:15,240
I promise
I won't do it again.
46
00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:18,040
You're in a lot
of trouble, Donny.
47
00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:21,600
Wait, you're not gonna
tell my dad, are you?
48
00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:23,760
He'll kick my ass.
He... He's crazy.
49
00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:26,040
What were you
trying to do, anyway?
50
00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:27,320
Impress your friends?
51
00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:30,880
Well, you know,
you're, um...
52
00:02:31,920 --> 00:02:33,800
You have
a little crush on me?
53
00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:35,240
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
No.
54
00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:38,560
"No." So, you...
55
00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:40,480
You don't want me.
56
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:44,360
No. Yeah.
57
00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:47,040
I... I don't know what I'm
supposed to say right now.
58
00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:49,240
Is that gum
in your mouth, Donny?
59
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:56,280
Mmm.
60
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:02,200
You know, I've been watching
you all year, Donny.
61
00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:03,560
When you hit that shot
62
00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:05,640
to beat Fairfield
and you were
63
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:08,200
jumping up and down
in your little Larry Bird
64
00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:10,080
short-shorts
and sweating
65
00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:12,760
like a jar of pickles
in the hot sun...
66
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:14,640
(SIGHS)
Oh, God.
67
00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:16,320
That was so hot.
68
00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:21,440
Is this really happening?
69
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:23,640
This is happening.
70
00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:25,960
It's happening
right now.
71
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:27,480
In my office.
72
00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:29,520
Okay. Awesome.
73
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,800
So, I...
I'm totally in.
74
00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:33,480
How do you
want to do it?
75
00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:36,680
'Cause I made sex before,
lots of ways.
76
00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:39,160
So you want to go
straight to hand jobs
77
00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:42,280
or eating me out
or taking me from behind?
78
00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:43,640
I'll teach you.
79
00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:45,520
DONNY: (VOICE CRACKS)
I'm a virgin.
80
00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:51,000
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
81
00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:52,800
Oh, my God.
82
00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:56,320
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
83
00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:57,400
(AND THE CRADLE
WILL ROCK PLAYING)
84
00:03:57,440 --> 00:03:59,840
♪ Ow ♪
85
00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:01,360
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
86
00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:02,440
♪ You know ♪
87
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:05,880
♪ Oh ♪
88
00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:15,360
(READING IN HEBREW)
89
00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:17,000
♪ Well, they say ♪
♪ it's kind of frightening ♪
90
00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:18,640
♪ How this younger ♪
♪ generation swings ♪
91
00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:21,000
♪ You know it's more ♪
♪ than just... ♪
92
00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:22,800
Who? Me?
93
00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:25,640
♪ Well, the kid ♪
♪ is into losing sleep ♪
94
00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:27,920
♪ And he don't come home ♪
♪ for half the week ♪
95
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:31,920
♪ You know it's more than ♪
♪ just an aggravation ♪
96
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:36,680
♪ And the cradle will rock ♪
97
00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:38,240
Hey, Donny,
what'd you get?
98
00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:40,240
♪ Cradle will rock ♪
99
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,080
♪ And I say rock on ♪
100
00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:45,920
And if I'm elected eighth
grade class president,
101
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,040
I promise to...
102
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,320
MARY: (GASPING)
You're getting so good at this!
103
00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:57,920
I promise to do my best to lower
prices at the school stores and, um...
104
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,720
MARY: All of our practice
is really paying off!
105
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:01,800
(MARY MOANING)
106
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:03,400
I like the sound of that.
107
00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:05,880
(MARY MOANING)
(RHYTHMIC BANGING)
108
00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:09,280
Timmy, stop.
Hold on a second.
109
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:16,520
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
110
00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:19,280
(SCREAMS)
111
00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:23,920
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
112
00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:28,880
My dad's gonna
kick my ass.
113
00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:39,120
(CHEERING)
114
00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:45,440
Calm down!
115
00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:56,480
(WILD CHEERING)
116
00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:00,560
AUDIENCE: (CHANTING)
Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny!
117
00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:01,800
Who's the man?
118
00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:05,480
Donny! Donny!
Donny! Donny!
119
00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:07,800
Yeah! You want some of me?
Who's the man?
120
00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:09,640
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
121
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,280
(CAMERAS CLICKING)
122
00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:14,880
JUDGE:
All right, everybody!
123
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:16,000
(GAVEL BANGING)
124
00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:17,280
Enough!
125
00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:19,320
I am aware that
a lot of people think
126
00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:20,920
that this young man
127
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:23,800
is not really a victim,
but someone that's living
128
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,800
the ultimate
teenage boy's fantasy.
129
00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:28,760
Absolutely.
(GALLERY MURMURS)
130
00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:30,160
JUDGE: But...
(GAVEL BANGING)
131
00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:32,200
...this is
a serious crime.
132
00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:34,760
Mary Beth McGarricle,
rise for sentencing.
133
00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:38,000
(GALLERY GASPS)
(MURMURS)
134
00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:40,600
JUDGE: The fact that
this relationship
135
00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:44,160
has resulted in a pregnancy and
you show absolutely no remorse,
136
00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:46,680
saying, and I quote,
137
00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:50,680
"I would fuck that kid
again and again."
138
00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:54,280
"He makes me feel like
there's a rainbow"
139
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,080
"coming out
of my beaver..."
140
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:57,560
(GALLERY MURMURS)
141
00:06:57,600 --> 00:06:59,360
...leaves me
absolutely no choice
142
00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:01,760
but to levy
the maximum penalty.
143
00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:03,440
Thirty years
144
00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:06,320
in the Massachusetts
Women's Penitentiary.
145
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:10,040
And furthermore,
the court grants custody
146
00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:12,600
of the unborn child to
Donald Berger's father...
147
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,200
Dumb-ass.
148
00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:16,400
...until Donald turns 18,
149
00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:18,400
at which time he will
assume full custody.
150
00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:19,480
(GALLERY MURMURS)
151
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,000
Take care of
our baby, Donny!
152
00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:23,240
Miss McGarricle!
153
00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:25,240
I'll never stop
loving you!
154
00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:27,720
That is just
fucking mental.
155
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:29,520
(LIMELIGHT PLAYING)
156
00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:37,320
(CROWD CHEERING)
157
00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:47,840
♪ Living on a lighted stage ♪
158
00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:50,560
♪ Approaches the unreal ♪
159
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:53,240
♪ For those who think ♪
♪ and feel ♪
160
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:56,080
♪ In touch with some reality ♪
(BABY COOS)
161
00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:58,880
♪ Beyond the gilded cage ♪
162
00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:01,280
The kid is young,
he's attractive,
163
00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:04,320
he can probably keep a hard-on
longer than this fucking guy.
164
00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:07,280
♪ Cast in ♪
♪ this unlikely role ♪
165
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,760
♪ Ill-equipped to act ♪
166
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:12,560
♪ With insufficient tact ♪
167
00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:15,160
♪ One must put up barriers ♪
168
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:16,880
Made you flinch,
pansy.
169
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:18,600
Go ahead!
I don't need you!
170
00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:20,880
I'm Donny freakin' Berger!
171
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:23,640
I'm wicked famous and I
got a wicked big schlong!
172
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:24,880
RADIO DJ 1:
Hey, here's something.
173
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:26,440
Donny Berger's
back in the news.
174
00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:28,280
RADIO DJ 2: That kid who
got his teacher pregnant?
175
00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:29,640
- Exactly.
- Oh, I love that guy.
176
00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:31,280
Seems like he bought
a round last night.
177
00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:32,400
Okay-
178
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:34,080
For everybody
in Boston Garden.
179
00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,280
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God,
he's my hero.
180
00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:38,320
That kid is burning
through that money,
181
00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:40,320
but he's having
a good time doing it.
182
00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:42,800
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
183
00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:43,080
(OVER CAR STEREO)
♪ The underlying theme ♪
184
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:46,520
(OVER CAR STEREO)
♪ The underlying theme ♪
185
00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:52,800
(MUSIC STOPS)
186
00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:57,000
(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)
187
00:08:58,440 --> 00:08:59,760
DONNY:
So, guy, how'd we do?
188
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:01,960
What them fuckers
at the IRS say?
189
00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:03,400
Well, they said
a lot of stuff.
190
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:04,880
The thing that
really jumped out
191
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:06,960
was "three years in prison."
192
00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:09,360
- Three years?
- Yeah, you haven't paid taxes
193
00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:10,720
since '94, Donny.
194
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:13,720
What... I thought they were
taking it out automatically!
195
00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:15,360
I told them
that's what you thought,
196
00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:17,360
and they said it's the stupidest
thing they ever heard.
197
00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,000
But there is
some good news.
198
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:21,600
If you can pay the balance off
by the end of the weekend,
199
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:22,960
they'll suspend
the sentence.
200
00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:24,480
Oh, okay, there you go.
201
00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:26,040
What are we talking about?
Hit me.
202
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:27,200
43,000.
203
00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:28,480
43 grand?
204
00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:29,720
No!
205
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:32,840
Come on, Donny!
206
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:34,520
Don't screw up
my Tom Brady poster.
207
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:36,080
It's my favorite one.
208
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:37,760
Look at that jawline.
209
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:40,320
Just the right amount
of scruff.
210
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,600
I'm sorry!
I'm just freaking out here!
211
00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:44,280
I don't got 43 grand!
212
00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:46,080
Well, look,
hey, good news.
213
00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:47,760
Monday's Memorial Day,
214
00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:49,720
so you don't need to get
the money till Tuesday.
215
00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:53,080
All right. That'll give me time
to sell my diamond Lamborghini!
216
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:54,600
Hey, hey, hey!
217
00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:55,920
You're killing me, man!
218
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:58,600
Don't mess
with the genius.
219
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:00,880
Jimmy, I got $28 to my name.
220
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,360
28, huh? Okay.
221
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:05,200
I got a hot tip on a long
shot that just might come in.
222
00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:06,600
- What is it, a horse?
- No.
223
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,720
This is Tubby Tuke, fat guy.
224
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:12,200
Fat guy?
225
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:13,560
Gonna run the marathon.
226
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:15,800
Odds on him winning
are 8,000-to-1.
227
00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:17,880
But this cat's
got wheels on him.
228
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,920
I think he's gonna win,
I really do.
229
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:21,960
All right, I'll put 20
on the fat fuck,
230
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:23,440
but I can't
count on that.
231
00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:25,560
It's a long shot,
you said it yourself.
232
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:26,800
But what about your kid?
233
00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:28,200
Maybe he can come up
with the dough.
234
00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:29,920
We don't talk no more.
235
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,960
He kind of moved out
when he turned 18,
236
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,960
and, uh, that's
the last I seen of him.
237
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,840
- What happened?
- I don't know.
238
00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:38,040
I loved that
little Han Solo
239
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:40,360
more than anything
in the world, too.
240
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:44,080
- You named your kid Han Solo?
- Yes, sir.
241
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:45,600
Han Solo Berger?
242
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:47,120
Coolest name
in the world, right?
243
00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:48,640
Why don't you
just Facebook him?
244
00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:49,800
I can't afford that shit.
245
00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:51,280
What am I, a billionaire?
246
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:54,400
I don't think he wants
to be found, anyways.
247
00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:56,480
Especially by me.
248
00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:11,400
Hey, look! It's us!
(SHRIEKING)
249
00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:12,480
On the cover!
250
00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:13,800
Don't we look great?
251
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:15,080
Yeah, well,
you look good.
252
00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:16,680
I kind of look like
a ventriloquist.
253
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:18,240
(CHUCKLES)
254
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:20,800
I don't know, it's still
kind of weird, right?
255
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,600
I mean, it's got our
faces and our names.
256
00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:24,520
It just seems like
anyone could find us.
257
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,560
"Find us?" Honey,
258
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:28,160
did you take
your Xanax today?
259
00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:29,320
Yeah, two.
260
00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:31,760
I always double down when
your parents are in town.
261
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,000
Do you have
your security undies?
262
00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:35,480
- Yep, right here.
- Good.
263
00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:36,960
I know that makes
you feel better.
264
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,000
There's stranger things
than walking around
265
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:41,520
with an extra pair of
underwear for emergencies.
266
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:45,520
Look, just this once,
don't be so weird.
267
00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:47,400
We're gonna have
the best wedding ever.
268
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:48,560
Okay.
269
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:55,920
(SIGHS SOFTLY)
270
00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:58,120
DONNY:
Holy shit.
271
00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:00,800
What the hell happened
to my life, Champale?
272
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:04,320
Don, honey, no way to come
up with that money, huh?
273
00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:07,120
No. The only thing I'm good
at is being Donny Berger,
274
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:08,880
and no one wants to
pay for that anymore.
275
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:11,040
Aw, Donny.
276
00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:12,520
Wow!
277
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:14,320
My face is your toilet!
278
00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:16,200
Show some fucking respect
over there, Kenny.
279
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:18,400
Hey, whoa.
280
00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:22,040
Hey, Mom, did you want some breakfast
after you finish your dance?
281
00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:23,480
Give it to me now, honey.
282
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:25,600
Donny doesn't mind,
do you, Donny?
283
00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:28,000
Holy cow,
that's my son!
284
00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:29,360
Who, Han Solo?
285
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:31,040
I thought you said
he was a fatty.
286
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:34,320
No, no, no. He must have lost
the weight or something,
287
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,120
'cause I swear to God,
that's my boy.
288
00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:38,920
It says, "Todd Peterson to
wed Jamie Martin this Sunday"
289
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,960
"at All Saints Church
on Cape Cod."
290
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:42,720
Todd Peterson?
291
00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:44,040
He changed his name!
292
00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:45,200
Why?
293
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:48,760
What was wrong
with Han Solo Berger?
294
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:50,920
It's the coolest fucking
name of all time.
295
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:52,560
"Peterson is
one of the youngest"
296
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:55,080
"large-cap hedge fund managers
in the financial industry."
297
00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:57,040
Oh, he got rich
on us, huh?
298
00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:03,200
"All the more impressive
considering he was orphaned"
299
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:04,760
"at age nine
when both his parents"
300
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:06,760
"died in
a horrific explosion."
301
00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:09,960
He fucking blew me up
and his mother?
302
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:12,240
Donny, maybe your son could
help you, financially.
303
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:14,800
I don't know.
This kid changed his name.
304
00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:16,920
He doesn't even want
to be a Berger anymore.
305
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,560
He's not gonna
want to talk to me.
306
00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:21,760
That was the incomparable
Champale.
307
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:23,080
(APPLAUSE)
And now, looking hot
308
00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:25,240
and ignoring
doctor's orders,
309
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:27,480
let's welcome Amber.
(WOLF WHISTLES)
310
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:29,440
What the fuck
happened to her?
311
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:31,480
Fuck you, Kenny!
312
00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:33,520
Hey, what's up,
RoboCop?
313
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:38,480
GERALD:
This is where your boss lives?
314
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:40,760
TODD: Oh, uh, it's actually
just his summer home.
315
00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:42,520
GERALD: Summer home.
What a dick.
316
00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:43,600
JAMIE:
Dad!
317
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:45,560
Oh, my goodness.
318
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:48,840
Todd, it's just
breathtaking!
319
00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:50,840
(LAUGHS) Hey!
There he is.
320
00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:52,240
Hey, Mr. Spirou.
321
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,240
There's my golden boy.
(LAUGHS)
322
00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:55,640
Come over here, champ.
323
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:57,280
Come on, get over here. Oh, oh.
324
00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:58,480
Hi. Yeah.
325
00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:00,080
Oh, look at you.
326
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:03,360
Look at you,
the lovely bride.
327
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:05,200
What a couple!
328
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:08,080
Mr. Spirou, it's so amazing that
you're letting us all stay here.
329
00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:09,320
Seriously,
thank you so much.
330
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,280
Steve, these are my
parents, Gerald and Helen.
331
00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:12,720
- Oh, it's a pleasure.
- Hi.
332
00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:14,040
Your daughter's
a sweetheart.
333
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:16,640
You can tell
she likes Todd for Todd,
334
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,760
not because
he's gonna be rich.
335
00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,960
I wouldn't want my boy to end
up with some gold digger
336
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:22,960
like the last three whores
I married, huh?
337
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:24,520
(LAUGHTER)
338
00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:28,720
True story. All three?
Whores. (CHUCKLES)
339
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:30,280
Huh.
340
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:33,040
Well, guys, this weekend,
mi casa es su casa.
341
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:35,400
You know, every member of my staff
are lucky to be in this country,
342
00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:37,360
so feel free to abuse
the shit out of 'em.
343
00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:38,680
(LAUGHS)
344
00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:41,240
Go get the fucking bags!
345
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:45,680
Well, Mrs. Spirou, I've always
said that if the finance game
346
00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:48,001
was an amusement park, your son
would be a roller coaster,
347
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:50,760
and I would just
ride him all day long.
348
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,800
(CHUCKLES)
That came out weird.
349
00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:55,400
Yeah, well,
Stevie likes to think
350
00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:57,680
that he's the star
of the family.
351
00:14:57,760 --> 00:15:01,400
But before he was born,
I modeled a bathing suit
352
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:04,080
for a Woolworth
advertisement.
353
00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:07,760
Well, you still have quite a
figure on you there, Delores.
354
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:10,440
Yeah, I can see where Steve
got his rocking bod.
355
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:13,680
(LAUGHS)
Oh, why, thank you.
356
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:14,920
JAMIE:
Oh!
357
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,040
Chad's here!
358
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:17,360
Oh, my God.
Oh, hooray.
359
00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:18,480
TODD: Fantastic.
(JAMIE CHUCKLES)
360
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:21,160
I... I guess they
didn't want to see it.
361
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:23,400
Yay, Chad!
(LAUGHS)
362
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:25,200
- Come here.
- Mom.
363
00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:26,760
- Oh, sweetheart.
- I'm home.
364
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:28,200
Dad, how are you, sir?
365
00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:29,760
- You look great.
- Thank you, sir.
366
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:30,960
Hey, Chad, I'm Todd.
367
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:32,440
Oh, my God.
368
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:34,080
Oh, God,
I missed you, sis.
369
00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:36,120
That's a good hug.
(CHUCKLES)
370
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:39,440
Chad, this is
my fiance, Todd.
371
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:41,720
Pleasure to meet you,
Chadwick.
372
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:42,960
Are you a soldier?
373
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:44,640
Uh, no.
374
00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:46,360
- Sailor?
- No.
375
00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:48,480
- Airman?
- No.
376
00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:49,640
Girl Scout?
377
00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:51,200
No.
378
00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:54,880
Well, then I'd prefer if you take
your fingers away from your forehead
379
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,760
and you shake my hand like
the civilian you are.
380
00:15:57,800 --> 00:16:00,960
Yeah, sorry, I'm stupid.
I don't know why I did that.
381
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,120
Honest mistake. Come here,
I want to show you this.
382
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:06,400
(CHUCKLING) Look,
if you ever do anything
383
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:09,840
to hurt my sister, I will
take my government-issued
384
00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:11,600
service revolver,
stick it straight up
385
00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:14,000
your fuppin' poop chute,
and empty the clip.
386
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:15,280
Do you feel me?
387
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:19,000
Yes, I totally feel you...
Dawg.
388
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:20,240
(CHUCKLES)
389
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,240
Randy Jackson, right?
390
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,240
I've got 10 ways to kill you
with my bare hands right now.
391
00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:26,560
(CHUCKLES)
Don't.
392
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:27,800
(CHUCKLES)
393
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:29,040
Don't.
394
00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:35,800
Hi, sweetheart,
how are you?
395
00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:37,920
Can I see Randall Morgan
possibly?
396
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,640
Yeah, you're gonna
need an appointment.
397
00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:41,240
I knew you were
gonna say that.
398
00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:42,800
Uh, but you know what?
399
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:44,320
Tell him Donny Berger's
out here.
400
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:45,920
He'll be pretty psyched
to see an old friend.
401
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:48,840
You know what? Mr. Morgan's on
vacation right now. I'm sorry.
402
00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:50,640
- He's on vacation? That son of a...
- Oh, hey!
403
00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:51,840
Vanilla Ice.
404
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:54,720
Randall's just getting makeup.
Go ahead to the green room.
405
00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:59,120
Vanilla, what's up, guy?
406
00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:01,840
It's been a long time.
Uh, how you been?
407
00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:06,360
Are you seriously giving me
the silent treatment still?
408
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:07,680
You know
that hurts me.
409
00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:09,120
Yeah? Well, that's why
I'm giving it to you.
410
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:10,240
How's it feel, chump?
411
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:11,840
It's breaking my heart.
412
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:14,120
We were friends
for 20 years, guy.
413
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,000
We were friends until
you banged my mother!
414
00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:18,000
I didn't know it was her,
I swear to God!
415
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,000
It's not like her
last name is Ice.
416
00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:22,520
You should've known
by the haircut!
417
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:24,320
Aw, come on,
Vanilla Bean Latte.
418
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:25,800
- Will you just...
- What?
419
00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:27,560
I'm just saying,
I'm in big trouble, guy.
420
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:29,680
This, like,
monetary thing.
421
00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:33,560
I, uh... I'm going to prison
if I don't get 43 large, so...
422
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:34,880
What, do you think
I got that kind of money?
423
00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:36,360
Of course you got
that kind of money.
424
00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:39,040
Royalties from Ice Ice Baby,
you must be fucking loaded!
425
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:41,520
Man, listen,
Queen took 50 %.
426
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,200
Suge took the other 60 %.
427
00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:45,040
I fucking owe money when
that shit gets played, man!
428
00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:48,240
Dude, come on, will you please
stop, collaborate and listen?
429
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:50,000
- Oh, here...
- What? No, I love that song.
430
00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:51,200
You know that shit.
431
00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:52,760
I was on top of that,
fucking day one.
432
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,360
Listen, man.
I work at a ice rink now.
433
00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:57,240
I deep-fry
chicken nuggets, man.
434
00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:59,240
I'll get you a deal on
a barbecue sauce packet.
435
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:00,560
Fucking A, buddy.
436
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:03,320
Both of us.
This sucks.
437
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,440
Broke. Who'd have thought
this would happen to us?
438
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:08,680
Maybe I should
call your mother.
439
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:09,880
She'll give me the money,
I know that.
440
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:11,200
- What?
- What? What?
441
00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:12,640
What?
(PEOPLE GASP)
442
00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:14,600
(GROANING)
443
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:15,920
Hey, dude.
444
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:17,200
Didn't spill my beer,
fucker.
445
00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:19,400
(LAUGHS)
Fuck you.
446
00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:21,040
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
447
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:24,080
Nobody comes in here and
starts busting up my joint
448
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:26,040
unless I got
cameras rolling.
449
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,800
Look, Donny, nobody remembers
what Tiger Woods did
450
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:31,160
let alone something
that happened 25 years ago.
451
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,360
Oh, I'm telling you, when
I walk down the street,
452
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:34,920
people are like,
"There's that guy!"
453
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,480
I'm still
fucking big, dude.
454
00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:38,000
All right,
how about this?
455
00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:40,080
I'm doing a show
on '80s train wrecks.
456
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:42,800
Maybe I slip you in after that
Milli Vanilli guy, all right?
457
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:45,320
Who, Fab? He's a fucking
buddy of mine. Yeah.
458
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:47,200
That would be huge, dude.
How much money?
459
00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:50,520
Um... Maybe 400 bucks.
460
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:51,880
400 bucks?
461
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:53,880
Dude, I need 43 G-birds.
462
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:55,440
What are we talking
about right now?
463
00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:57,560
RANDALL: (LAUGHING)
You need $43,000?
464
00:18:57,600 --> 00:18:59,080
Are you back on drugs?
465
00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:00,360
- Yeah.
- It's never...
466
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,160
This is never going
to happen. Never.
467
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:03,680
Little bit more blush
if you can.
468
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:06,800
Just like you did that, uh, John Wayne
Bobbitt in his penis reunion show.
469
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:13,920
That's actually
a good idea, a reunion.
470
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:16,880
Me and Miss McGarricle,
together again,
471
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:18,960
live from
a women's prison.
472
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:24,400
A women's prison.
473
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:27,400
- Very sexy.
- Mmm-hmm.
474
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:28,680
We could shoot it
this weekend.
475
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:30,640
You could give me
the money.
476
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:32,600
Very sexy.
477
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:35,000
You know, you could eat that
ass after I leave the room,
478
00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:37,000
but I need an answer right now.
What do you think?
479
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:38,240
What about your kid?
480
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:41,000
My kid?
What about my kid?
481
00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:43,080
He... He's got to be
a walking Gong Show.
482
00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:45,320
No. What are you talking about?
He's doing great.
483
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,120
He's, like, a hot shit now.
He's getting married
484
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:49,120
- down at the Cape this weekend.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
485
00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:51,720
"Horny teacher baby
makes good."
486
00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:53,960
(SNIFFS)
487
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:55,840
Smell that?
Smell it, Donny?
488
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:58,520
What? That's not me. She
probably cut the cheese.
489
00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:00,360
No, no, no.
No, ratings.
490
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,120
(SNIFFS)
I smell ratings.
491
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:06,360
My kid is very publicity-shy, so I...
You know, to be honest,
492
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:08,080
I don't think he'd do a piece
of shit show like this.
493
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:09,560
All right,
here's the deal.
494
00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:11,280
You get yourself
and your actual kid
495
00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:14,080
up to the women's prison this
weekend, I will shoot it,
496
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,000
I will give you
50 grand in cash.
497
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:17,440
'Cause I'm going to
guess, Donny,
498
00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:19,080
you want to be
visiting a prison,
499
00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:20,840
not living in one.
500
00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:25,760
So, Todd, how
does one get into
501
00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:27,120
the hedgehog
business anyway?
502
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:28,840
Oh, it's actually
hedge funds.
503
00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:31,000
You think you're
better than me?
504
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:32,800
No.
505
00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:34,200
JAMIE: Chad,
did you know
506
00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:36,360
that Todd is really
great with numbers?
507
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:37,760
- You got to see this.
- Oh, Jamie, no. Don't make...
508
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:39,600
What's 452 times 77?
509
00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:42,920
Beep be-op beep
84,304.
510
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,000
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
511
00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:45,480
Oh, he could just be
making that up.
512
00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:46,640
No, he's not!
513
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:49,760
Ooh. There's a calculator
on my cell phone.
514
00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:51,480
Okay.
515
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:55,160
What is 94...
516
00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:58,560
times 312, Todd?
517
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:02,960
Beep boop boop boop beep.
29,328, Helen.
518
00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:04,760
Freaky.
519
00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:07,280
I don't know. It's just
something I can do.
520
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:09,320
Are you sure you're
not a Chinaman?
521
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:10,960
TODD: Oh,
that's inappropriate.
522
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:12,160
White whore.
523
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:14,360
(CHUCKLES)
524
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,080
(DOORBELL RINGING)
JAMIE: Oh, I'll get it.
525
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:23,000
Oh, my God.
You must be Jamie.
526
00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:25,920
You're, like, even hotter
than you looked in the paper.
527
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:27,160
(LAUGHS)
Look at your hair
528
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:29,400
blowing in the wind
like Tawny Kitaen
529
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:31,480
when she was fucking
dry-humping that car.
530
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:33,160
Okay.
531
00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:35,320
And you must be...
532
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:37,000
Donny.
533
00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:40,600
What's the matter? Chubby
never even mentioned me?
534
00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:41,760
Chubby?
535
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:42,880
Oh, I mean...
536
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:44,160
(MOCKING)
Todd Peterson.
537
00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:46,080
Why do you
say it like that?
538
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:48,000
It just comes out
that way.
539
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:49,360
Where are
my manners, right?
540
00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:51,400
Could you hold that?
Take a chug if you'd like.
541
00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:53,720
I got you a fucking
great gift.
542
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:56,320
Here it is.
543
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:57,920
I'll take the brew back.
544
00:21:58,000 --> 00:21:59,920
Just, you got to read it,
though. It's fucking...
545
00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:04,400
Yeah!
546
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:06,760
(LAUGHS) I don't know where
they come up with this shit,
547
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:08,560
but it's pretty
fucking funny.
548
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,400
Spencer's Gifts
never fucking fails me.
549
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,120
I want to meet Mr. Spencer
one day and say,
550
00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:13,840
"Thanks, motherfucker,
for all the laughs."
551
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:16,440
Hey, I also made you
a mix tape.
552
00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:18,280
Who the fuck is rich
in this house?
553
00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:19,400
Jeezum, it's huge.
554
00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:23,240
Uh, Todd,
your old man is here?
555
00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:25,440
Wassup!
556
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:27,480
Oh!
(GASPS)
557
00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:29,640
Helen, oh, my gosh.
I'm so sorry.
558
00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:30,680
No, it's...
559
00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:31,800
Uh, let me just
get that for you.
560
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:32,920
Uh, uh, that's, uh... What? No.
561
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:34,480
Oh, sorry,
those are yours. I...
562
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:37,760
Donny, what... what the fuck, man?
Sorry.
563
00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:39,880
Uh, what... what are
you doing here?
564
00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:41,360
What do you mean?
565
00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:42,720
I thought you said
your parents were dead.
566
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:45,680
Um, no, they are...
super dead.
567
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:47,280
He's hilarious.
568
00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:49,520
(LAUGHS)
My old man.
569
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:51,960
My old man... friend.
570
00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:54,120
From...
571
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:56,200
Wassup!
572
00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:57,840
Right?
573
00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:00,160
Well, aren't you
going to introduce us?
574
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:01,480
- No.
- Yes.
575
00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:02,920
Yes. Here we go.
576
00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:06,440
Uh, this is, uh, my future
father-in-law, Gerald,
577
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:08,520
and his
lovely wife, Helen.
578
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:10,600
And Jamie's brother, Chad.
579
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:12,880
Hey-0!
Do not... That's...
580
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:17,760
(LAUGHTER)
581
00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:19,240
What?
582
00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:20,360
I like the look of this.
Who's this?
583
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:24,240
Okay. This is my boss Steve's
mother, Delores, who's awake now.
584
00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:25,640
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's where you
585
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:27,160
get all the looks from,
huh, sweetie?
586
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:28,520
Yeah, no,
we're not related.
587
00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:30,160
Oh, yeah?
Well, she wishes,
588
00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:31,880
'cause you got
the fucking...
589
00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:33,880
you're stacked pretty good. Mmm.
590
00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:39,040
Anyhow, Jame, this is
my old friend, Donny.
591
00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:40,560
Your best friend.
592
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:42,120
I'm his best friend.
593
00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:44,360
- Mmm.
- Your best friend.
594
00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:46,920
Uh, yeah, no.
595
00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:48,960
Remember I told you
we met, uh...
596
00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:50,480
Where'd we meet?
597
00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:52,200
- Um, we met...
- Where?
598
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:54,240
- Come on.
- Uh, it's coming to me.
599
00:23:54,480 --> 00:23:55,560
I saved his life.
600
00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:56,680
Oh.
601
00:23:56,880 --> 00:23:58,240
Well, more metaphorically.
602
00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:00,280
No, no, no, no, no.
Here's what happened.
603
00:24:00,360 --> 00:24:02,601
It was, like, one of them, uh,
train track kind of deals.
604
00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:04,600
My man over here,
I see him,
605
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:06,640
he drops his burrito
on the tracks.
606
00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:08,440
I'm like, "All right,
that happens."
607
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:11,320
Next thing you know,
homeboy leaps down there,
608
00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:13,280
and he tries
to retrieve the burrito.
609
00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:16,160
Okay? I see a train
whizzing at him.
610
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:18,720
I'm like, "This guy's about to
die, and he don't know it."
611
00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:21,200
I fucking leap down
there myself, right,
612
00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:23,000
and I give him a little
shove on the heinie.
613
00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:24,600
"Get out of the way, buddy!"
614
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:26,000
Next thing you know,
I realize
615
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:27,760
this thing's
going to hit me.
616
00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:29,440
I fucking remember,
though,
617
00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:30,720
I had a kung fu instructor
618
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:33,080
who taught me how to
tighten the diaphragm,
619
00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:34,960
and I bring it in there.
620
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:36,280
And I feel the train go by.
621
00:24:36,360 --> 00:24:37,400
My eyes are closed.
622
00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:40,240
Rips my shirt off my body, okay?
I open my eyes.
623
00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:43,360
I see all these chicks just kind of
looking at me, going, "What is that?"
624
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:44,840
"That's the fucking most
chiseled guy I've ever seen."
625
00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:46,280
I worked out at the time.
626
00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:48,120
Anyways, the place
goes bananas for me,
627
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:49,241
I sign a couple of titties,
628
00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:51,080
and I started hanging out
with this guy ever since.
629
00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:52,721
Best friends, right?
Here you go, my boy.
630
00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:56,360
I just can't believe I've never
heard that story before.
631
00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:58,960
Why wouldn't you just get
another burrito, Todd?
632
00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:02,040
Uh, wouldn't it
be dirty?
633
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:03,640
Great questions.
634
00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:05,960
Uh, it's one of the many
things about this story
635
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,920
that's pretty hard
to believe.
636
00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:09,720
So, uh, where are you
staying, Donny?
637
00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:11,200
Oh, he's not staying.
638
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:12,360
No.
639
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:16,520
I can't stay.
Yeah, no, he's right.
640
00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:19,960
Oh, pshaw. I mean,
invite him to stay here.
641
00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:21,520
You have to stay.
642
00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:23,840
He's your best friend.
You're his best friend.
643
00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:25,320
Sheesh, I'm not
messing with her.
644
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:27,880
I mean, you are my
best friend, guy.
645
00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:30,320
And, Jamie, you can be
my breast friend.
646
00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:32,240
(LAUGHTER)
Oh.
647
00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:36,040
Breast, with an
With an.
648
00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:38,600
Oh! Ooh!
649
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:41,560
By the way, dude,
you look fantastic.
650
00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:43,360
You lost all the weight,
homeboy.
651
00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:44,640
I miss the titties.
652
00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:46,960
You saved my life?
Seriously?
653
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:48,920
What?
They ate that up.
654
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:51,680
You came up with a
whole lot of nothing.
655
00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:53,640
That's a nice suitcase,
by the way.
656
00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:54,761
What is that,
Louis Vuitton?
657
00:25:55,360 --> 00:25:56,720
This is a Hefty bag.
658
00:25:57,120 --> 00:25:58,560
What the fuck
are you talking about?
659
00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:00,360
What do you want, Donny?
Money?
660
00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:03,160
You heard I was doing well, so
you came looking for a handout?
661
00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,600
I don't want none of your money.
How is that? Okay?
662
00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:07,080
I get it.
You don't like me.
663
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:08,560
I exploded.
664
00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:09,760
I wish you had exploded.
665
00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:12,000
That way, I wouldn't have to
see your stupid face anymore!
666
00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:13,040
Did you happen to notice
667
00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:16,160
I created a whole fake life just
so I could get away from you?
668
00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:17,920
Your mother's sick,
by the way.
669
00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:19,400
(SIGHS)
670
00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:20,560
I don't believe you.
671
00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:23,840
They don't know
how long she's got.
672
00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:25,240
What is that, nunchuks?
673
00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:28,120
I told her you would
visit her up at the prison.
674
00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:32,600
I'm kind of thinking
you're the kind of guy
675
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:34,520
who would pull through
for Mumsie.
676
00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:36,600
Know what I'm saying?
677
00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:38,600
She'd do the same for you.
678
00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:40,760
Really?
679
00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:42,960
Yeah. Saturday's the
last visiting day
680
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:44,560
before the big surgery,
so...
681
00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:46,000
So let me
get this straight.
682
00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:48,240
You want me to go
visit my "sick mom"
683
00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:50,440
that I haven't talked to
in years, in prison,
684
00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:51,960
the day before my wedding.
685
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:53,280
Correct.
686
00:26:53,360 --> 00:26:54,720
Not happening, asshole.
687
00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:56,920
What the fuck
did I do to you
688
00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:58,080
to make you
hate me so much?
689
00:26:58,160 --> 00:26:59,680
I am fucking baffled
right now.
690
00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:00,800
Well, maybe you
don't remember,
691
00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:02,640
but you were basically
the worst parent ever.
692
00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:04,840
Me? I did everything
for you, buddy,
693
00:27:04,920 --> 00:27:07,400
and I never gave you an ounce
of shit about nothing.
694
00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:09,120
You never
gave me nothing.
695
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:10,440
I gave you a snake.
696
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:13,120
Yeah, and then it died after
it ate all your Quaaludes.
697
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:17,440
That was the only time anybody's
ever seen a king cobra laugh.
698
00:27:18,280 --> 00:27:20,280
And I take pride in that,
so fuck you.
699
00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:22,120
Yeah, great.
You know what?
700
00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:24,240
I basically had
to raise myself, Donny.
701
00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:25,680
I never learned
how to swim.
702
00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:27,240
I don't even know
how to ride a bike.
703
00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:28,921
You know how fucking
humiliating that is?
704
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:30,920
What about Mr. Mitty?
Remember him?
705
00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:33,000
What? No. What's that?
706
00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:35,320
Mr. Mitty. I used to put
an oven mitt on my hand.
707
00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:37,840
He would cheer you up all
the time when you were sad.
708
00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:39,520
"Don't be upset,
young man."
709
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:41,120
"I'm your best friend."
710
00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:43,160
"Even though
I'm an oven mitt."
711
00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:45,080
No, I don't remember that, okay?
712
00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:46,241
You know what
I do remember?
713
00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:48,480
You making me drive you
home from the beach
714
00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:49,640
'cause you got
too drunk.
715
00:27:50,120 --> 00:27:51,200
It makes sense to me.
716
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:53,560
When somebody's hammered, they
have another guy drive home.
717
00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:54,920
I was eight!
718
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:58,120
Well, you looked 14 'cause you
were such a huge fat fuck.
719
00:27:58,200 --> 00:27:59,200
I'm sorry.
720
00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:00,800
Oh, you are
such an asshole.
721
00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:03,200
Dude, you're
a millionaire now,
722
00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:05,280
and you're marrying
that hot chick.
723
00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:08,760
I must have done a pretty decent
job as a dad, don't you think?
724
00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:11,600
Oh, yeah? You want to check
in on your pretty decent job?
725
00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:13,080
DONNY:
Oh, my God.
726
00:28:13,640 --> 00:28:15,760
You're a junkie?
Who's your supplier?
727
00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:17,920
'Cause I'll smack
that motherfucker around.
728
00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:19,600
It's insulin, you dick.
729
00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:21,080
I'm a diabetic
'cause you let me eat
730
00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:23,120
cake and lollipops
for breakfast every day.
731
00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:24,920
But that's what
you fucking asked for.
732
00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:26,760
Yeah, you're
supposed to say no.
733
00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:28,200
You know,
I weighed 400 pounds
734
00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:30,040
by the time I was 12.
735
00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:32,000
You know how hard it was
to take that weight off?
736
00:28:32,120 --> 00:28:33,440
All right, all right.
737
00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:35,560
I... I didn't know
what I was doing.
738
00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:36,840
I had no one helping me.
739
00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:39,520
Grandpa was a psycho.
You know that.
740
00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:41,920
Han Solo,
don't be like this.
741
00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:43,160
I'm a good person.
742
00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:44,720
Okay, don't call me
that, all right?
743
00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:45,920
My name's Todd now.
744
00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:48,400
Call yourself Han Solo.
You're dressed like him.
745
00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:50,920
Good one.
746
00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:53,200
I'm just saying, buddy,
give me a chance.
747
00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:55,280
Do you have
any Axe body spray?
748
00:28:56,520 --> 00:29:00,080
No, Donny, I don't have
any Axe body spray.
749
00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:03,080
Because I'm not
a fucking douche bag.
750
00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:06,040
That's a douche bag thing?
751
00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:07,280
When did that become
a douche bag thing?
752
00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:09,000
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
JAMIE: Todd, the guests are arriving.
753
00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:10,120
Let's go!
754
00:29:10,760 --> 00:29:12,320
All right, can you
lighten up a little bit?
755
00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:13,640
We got a party to attend.
756
00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:14,680
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
757
00:29:15,160 --> 00:29:17,560
Good person, how about
you put on a tie, okay?
758
00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:19,720
It's a cocktail party,
not a Quiznos opening.
759
00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:21,760
What?
I haven't worn a tie
760
00:29:21,840 --> 00:29:23,960
since my mother's funeral
when I was three.
761
00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:25,480
I'm not going to
start that up again.
762
00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:26,800
That's great
Put on a tie.
763
00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:29,280
- No.
- Put on a tie!
764
00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:30,720
I'll never sell out.
765
00:29:32,200 --> 00:29:33,440
I'll give you 100 bucks.
766
00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:34,880
Where's the tie?
767
00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:37,040
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
Look at this.
768
00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:39,080
Jamie is going to
have it all.
769
00:29:39,120 --> 00:29:40,320
(SIGHS)
770
00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:43,160
TODD: Oh, by the way,
Mr. Spirou,
771
00:29:43,200 --> 00:29:45,280
I read the OPEC report,
and I was thinking,
772
00:29:45,320 --> 00:29:47,481
if we hedge our position on
oil, we could really, um...
773
00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:50,400
(TODD SIGHS)
774
00:29:51,520 --> 00:29:53,840
Uh, if we were to short
the euro, we could...
775
00:29:54,040 --> 00:29:56,400
Oh, come on, Todd. This
is your wedding weekend.
776
00:29:56,640 --> 00:29:58,760
You are marrying a real workaholic.
You do know that.
777
00:29:59,040 --> 00:30:01,560
Yeah, but isn't that what
you want in a partner?
778
00:30:02,240 --> 00:30:03,400
Oh, she's good, this one.
779
00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:05,120
(LAUGHING)
Oh, she's good.
780
00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:09,040
All right, all right.
781
00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:10,520
Uh, I haven't made
that decision yet,
782
00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:11,880
but I love this kid.
783
00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:14,440
You lost your dad in
that explosion, and...
784
00:30:14,720 --> 00:30:15,880
and I lost my son.
785
00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:18,280
I thought your son was a
ski instructor in Vail.
786
00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:20,760
He's a pot-smoking bum!
787
00:30:21,200 --> 00:30:23,080
Not like you, Todd.
Oh, no.
788
00:30:23,120 --> 00:30:25,000
You're the type of boy
a father can be proud of.
789
00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:26,600
Yeah, we'll never know,
will we?
790
00:30:28,320 --> 00:30:29,880
Who's that?
Oh, I'm not here.
791
00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:33,680
That's, uh, Donny.
792
00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:35,880
Donny, come on.
793
00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:37,120
Say hi to everyone.
794
00:30:38,040 --> 00:30:39,360
Oh, God, hang on.
795
00:30:39,680 --> 00:30:41,200
Let me swing these free.
796
00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:44,200
Glad all the children
saw that.
797
00:30:44,360 --> 00:30:45,680
JAMIE:
Uh, Donny,
798
00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:47,200
this is Steve Spirou,
Todd's boss.
799
00:30:49,720 --> 00:30:52,040
Wassup!
800
00:30:54,360 --> 00:30:55,440
Is that back?
801
00:30:57,560 --> 00:30:59,680
Because I've been dying
for that to come back.
802
00:30:59,720 --> 00:31:00,760
Wassup!
803
00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:02,120
Yeah!
804
00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:03,960
That's my boy!
Look at him!
805
00:31:04,000 --> 00:31:05,240
He ain't a tight-ass.
806
00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:06,400
Wassup!
807
00:31:06,760 --> 00:31:07,760
(LAUGHING)
808
00:31:07,920 --> 00:31:09,000
Wassup!
Wassup!
809
00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:10,520
Wassup!
Wassup!
810
00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:12,200
Wassup!
Wassup!
811
00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:14,120
Wassup!
812
00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:16,200
(LAUGHING)
813
00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:18,000
What's up?
814
00:31:21,560 --> 00:31:23,440
Boo!
815
00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:25,840
That was terrible, Todd.
816
00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:28,680
So, I see the...
the train coming,
817
00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:30,760
and something kind of like
takes over me, you know?
818
00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:34,160
Here you go, Abigail.
Thank you.
819
00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:37,200
And so, I decide to jump
off the platform, right?
820
00:31:37,760 --> 00:31:39,240
Snaps my legs in two.
821
00:31:39,320 --> 00:31:40,360
(LADIES GASPING)
822
00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:43,000
What did I expect? It was
a 25-foot drop, you know?
823
00:31:43,280 --> 00:31:44,520
25 feet?
824
00:31:44,800 --> 00:31:46,840
So I grab Burrito Bandito
over here,
825
00:31:46,960 --> 00:31:48,321
and I just roll him
out of the way.
826
00:31:48,840 --> 00:31:50,640
The train missed
our skulls by inches.
827
00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:52,880
Why would you do something
like that, Todd?
828
00:31:53,240 --> 00:31:54,680
You know, I really
don't know, Steve.
829
00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:56,840
I mean, why wouldn't you
just buy another burrito?
830
00:31:57,160 --> 00:31:58,520
Yeah, no, I know.
I, uh...
831
00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:00,360
I don't know what I
could have been thinking.
832
00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:03,320
Maybe he was high
on the hashish.
833
00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:05,000
(LAUGHTER)
(SIGHS)
834
00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:06,920
Hey, how about I get you
another beer, huh, Donny Boy?
835
00:32:07,320 --> 00:32:08,360
20's my limit.
836
00:32:08,440 --> 00:32:09,960
No! No, no.
837
00:32:10,040 --> 00:32:12,800
But, uh, Donny Boy has got
to go to bed, though, right?
838
00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:14,000
ALL:
Aw.
839
00:32:14,160 --> 00:32:15,840
Yeah, oh, fiddlesnatch.
840
00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:17,520
It's the afternoon.
841
00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:20,520
Remember you told me you
wanted to get to bed early?
842
00:32:21,560 --> 00:32:23,040
Oh, okay.
Yeah, no, no, no.
843
00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:24,120
Todd's right.
844
00:32:24,200 --> 00:32:25,200
MAN:
Oh, my God.
845
00:32:25,520 --> 00:32:26,920
You're right, it is him.
846
00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:28,480
You're Donny Berger.
It's him.
847
00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:29,760
Do you remember
that kid who got
848
00:32:29,840 --> 00:32:31,201
his teacher pregnant
in Somerville?
849
00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:32,960
Wait a minute,
that is you.
850
00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:34,320
Donny Berger.
851
00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:36,480
Didn't you and
your teacher have a kid?
852
00:32:36,520 --> 00:32:37,960
Wait a minute.
What was his name?
853
00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:39,760
Indiana Jones, huh?
854
00:32:39,960 --> 00:32:41,960
It was something
fantastic like that.
855
00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:43,360
Yeah, Han Solo Berger.
856
00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:45,640
Yeah, Han Solo, Han Solo.
What ever happened to him?
857
00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:47,040
Uh, what happened to him?
858
00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:48,800
He, uh, actually
became a dick.
859
00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:52,720
A private eye, I mean.
Ah.
860
00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:55,600
One of the biggest and
hairiest dicks in the world.
861
00:32:56,200 --> 00:32:57,280
Okay.
862
00:32:57,520 --> 00:32:59,280
Hey, look,
this might seem weird,
863
00:32:59,560 --> 00:33:00,680
but do you think
you would ever...
864
00:33:00,840 --> 00:33:03,240
Bone your wife? Yeah,
I mean, I'd love to.
865
00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:05,040
She's a hot little number.
866
00:33:06,000 --> 00:33:07,120
Well, you know,
I was just
867
00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:08,761
going to ask you for
an autograph, but...
868
00:33:09,120 --> 00:33:11,600
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry
On her tits or...
869
00:33:12,080 --> 00:33:13,240
Or a piece of paper
would be fine.
870
00:33:13,320 --> 00:33:14,320
Yeah, or a photo.
871
00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:16,000
Okay, well,
this has been fun.
872
00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:18,320
But, Donny... Uh, not
to toot my own horn,
873
00:33:18,360 --> 00:33:20,040
but I got
kind of close once.
874
00:33:20,120 --> 00:33:22,480
Uh, Mrs. Weiss,
freshman geometry.
875
00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:23,880
And I think she
would have done it, too.
876
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:25,920
I just... I just didn't
know how to make the move.
877
00:33:26,000 --> 00:33:27,480
You know what?
I would have killed
878
00:33:27,520 --> 00:33:30,240
to bang my eighth grade
biology teacher, Mrs. Cohn.
879
00:33:30,320 --> 00:33:33,080
I used to dream of... of
dissecting her with my penis.
880
00:33:33,200 --> 00:33:34,800
(LAUGHING)
It's so weird
881
00:33:34,840 --> 00:33:37,040
what goes on upstairs
when you hit puberty.
882
00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:41,840
I actually stole my middle
school librarian's glasses
883
00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:43,720
to wear while
I masturbated.
884
00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:44,840
(ALL GASPING)
885
00:33:44,920 --> 00:33:45,920
What is that about?
886
00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:48,600
In my day,
when I got into trouble,
887
00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:51,760
the headmaster would slap
your hand with his dick.
888
00:33:53,080 --> 00:33:54,360
She wins.
889
00:33:56,200 --> 00:33:58,440
You know, Todd was
working at the cubicle
890
00:33:58,520 --> 00:34:01,920
next to mine one year,
12 weeks and one day ago
891
00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:04,320
when he met a pretty girl
at the gym named Jamie.
892
00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:07,000
How many days
is that, Todd?
893
00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:08,560
Computing, Steve.
894
00:34:08,640 --> 00:34:09,880
Beep boop beep boop beep.
895
00:34:09,920 --> 00:34:11,160
451.
896
00:34:11,720 --> 00:34:13,120
Ooh.
(PEOPLE GASPING)
897
00:34:13,560 --> 00:34:15,600
It's actually 450.
898
00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:17,560
Oh, battle of the brainiacs!
899
00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:20,160
Yeah, this guy forgot
about leap year, I guess.
900
00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:21,960
(LAUGHTER)
901
00:34:22,440 --> 00:34:23,720
WOMAN:
He's smarter than Todd!
902
00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:27,400
Okay, we're talking a lot about
numbers, but let's get back to love.
903
00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:29,000
What's the matter,
hot stuff?
904
00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:30,120
Where do you think
you get it from?
905
00:34:30,240 --> 00:34:31,440
Your mother was
a math teacher,
906
00:34:31,480 --> 00:34:33,280
and I was pretty much
a whiz kid myself.
907
00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:35,960
The ability to make a bong
out of a Taco Bell cup
908
00:34:36,000 --> 00:34:37,361
doesn't make you
a whiz kid, Donny.
909
00:34:38,320 --> 00:34:39,960
Leap year, motherfucker.
910
00:34:40,480 --> 00:34:43,320
I think it's kind of
a magical moment.
911
00:34:43,400 --> 00:34:45,120
You know,
Todd's oldest friend, Donny,
912
00:34:45,200 --> 00:34:47,040
miraculously appearing
like this.
913
00:34:47,080 --> 00:34:48,080
What?
914
00:34:48,160 --> 00:34:51,760
So I am graciously going to
step aside and allow Donny
915
00:34:52,280 --> 00:34:53,760
to take over
as the best man.
916
00:34:53,840 --> 00:34:54,880
Give it up for Donny!
917
00:34:55,000 --> 00:34:56,320
Oh, no, no, no.
(MUSIC PLAYS)
918
00:34:56,400 --> 00:34:58,000
Phil, you don't
have to do that.
919
00:34:58,400 --> 00:35:00,200
No music.
No, no, no, no.
920
00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:02,600
Kill the music.
Phil, Phil, you...
921
00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:04,400
that's so nice of you, but
you don't have to do that.
922
00:35:04,720 --> 00:35:06,800
Oh, I don't mind.
You two are very close.
923
00:35:06,840 --> 00:35:07,960
We are.
We are very close,
924
00:35:08,000 --> 00:35:09,200
but you and I
are close, too.
925
00:35:09,600 --> 00:35:12,920
Well, we work together,
but I wouldn't call us close.
926
00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:15,200
I mean, I was actually
kind of surprised
927
00:35:15,240 --> 00:35:17,280
when you asked me
to be your best man.
928
00:35:17,360 --> 00:35:19,000
Made me feel
a little sorry for you.
929
00:35:19,320 --> 00:35:20,480
(LAUGHTER)
That's true.
930
00:35:20,520 --> 00:35:21,720
He had no idea
who he was.
931
00:35:21,800 --> 00:35:23,040
Ah, no...
932
00:35:23,200 --> 00:35:25,320
I accept. I do. I love it.
It's an honor.
933
00:35:25,400 --> 00:35:26,680
- MAN: Way to go, Donny!
- DONNY: Are you kidding me?
934
00:35:27,120 --> 00:35:29,200
You got Fenway Park
in your backyard?
935
00:35:29,280 --> 00:35:31,520
Oh, I had that built when my
son started Little League.
936
00:35:31,560 --> 00:35:32,640
He never used it.
937
00:35:32,760 --> 00:35:35,400
The little douche bag just sat
in his room listening to reggae.
938
00:35:35,720 --> 00:35:38,040
Well, let's lose these ties
and hit some dingers.
939
00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:39,560
What do you say?
Come on!
940
00:35:39,600 --> 00:35:40,640
(EXCITED CHATTER)
941
00:35:41,840 --> 00:35:44,360
No, no, no. Please, don't
let this be happening.
942
00:35:44,920 --> 00:35:46,400
Don't let this
be happening, please.
943
00:35:46,440 --> 00:35:47,520
(PANTING)
944
00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:48,680
No sports.
945
00:35:49,320 --> 00:35:51,120
All right, guys, let's see
what we got out there.
946
00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:54,361
Please don't hit it to me. Please don't
hit it to me. Please don't hit it to me.
947
00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:56,000
(CHEERING)
DONNY: Get under it, kid.
948
00:36:00,120 --> 00:36:01,320
WOMAN:
Yeah!
949
00:36:02,120 --> 00:36:04,200
- Oh.
- Moron.
950
00:36:04,760 --> 00:36:06,280
Here we go!
Taking down two there!
951
00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:08,240
All right, Gerald, kid!
Here we go, guy!
952
00:36:08,680 --> 00:36:09,800
Stay on it!
953
00:36:11,400 --> 00:36:12,400
Oh. My God!
954
00:36:14,120 --> 00:36:17,040
Grandma, what's up, honey?
Are you awake, sweetheart?
955
00:36:17,080 --> 00:36:18,280
Here we go.
956
00:36:18,880 --> 00:36:20,960
Get under it!
Get dirty!
957
00:36:21,160 --> 00:36:22,440
What the fuck?
958
00:36:23,880 --> 00:36:26,080
- Got it.
- Nice catch, Mama!
959
00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:28,240
Let's let Todd-0
get this one, huh?
960
00:36:28,680 --> 00:36:30,040
Oh, no, that's okay.
961
00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:31,560
Todd, come on!
962
00:36:31,800 --> 00:36:33,520
No, no. Uh, hit one
to that two-year-old.
963
00:36:33,560 --> 00:36:34,960
He hasn't gotten one yet.
964
00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:36,280
Here you go, big man.
965
00:36:38,560 --> 00:36:39,960
- What?
- Quit showing off
966
00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:41,840
for the girls, buddy.
They're mine.
967
00:36:41,920 --> 00:36:43,120
(DONNY LAUGHING)
968
00:36:43,600 --> 00:36:44,640
Come on, now.
969
00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:49,440
You got it.
You got it.
970
00:36:49,480 --> 00:36:50,480
ALL:
Oh!
971
00:36:50,680 --> 00:36:52,040
(LAUGHING)
972
00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:54,880
Okay, Todd,
you all set, buddy?
973
00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:56,160
Don't hit it to me.
974
00:36:56,280 --> 00:36:57,400
Coming to you, homie.
975
00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:02,200
(GROANS)
976
00:37:02,280 --> 00:37:04,040
ALL: Oh!
(THUDDING)
977
00:37:04,120 --> 00:37:05,120
Holy shit.
978
00:37:06,240 --> 00:37:08,080
(WHEEZING)
979
00:37:08,360 --> 00:37:10,360
Oh, my God.
Are you all right, guy?
980
00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:12,480
(GROANING)
981
00:37:12,760 --> 00:37:13,960
Come on.
You're fine.
982
00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:15,480
Throw it in there, guy.
983
00:37:15,760 --> 00:37:17,400
I think the ball's broken.
984
00:37:18,120 --> 00:37:19,120
Throw it in, Todd.
985
00:37:19,240 --> 00:37:20,320
Todd,
throw the ball.
986
00:37:20,400 --> 00:37:22,080
Come on, Todd!
987
00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:24,080
Throw it, you big vagina. Do it.
988
00:37:24,320 --> 00:37:26,000
DONNY: Todd, we want
to keep playing, buddy.
989
00:37:26,040 --> 00:37:27,200
We need a ball, kid.
990
00:37:27,240 --> 00:37:28,280
PHIL:
Just throw it.
991
00:37:28,360 --> 00:37:29,400
JAMIE:
Such a pussy.
992
00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:31,040
WOMAN:
Oh!
993
00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:32,720
DONNY:
Oh! On a rope!
994
00:37:32,800 --> 00:37:34,080
Holy fuck!
995
00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:38,520
ANNOUNCER: (ON TV)
We now return to.
996
00:37:38,560 --> 00:37:41,320
The Donny Berger Story,
starring Ian Ziering.
997
00:37:41,520 --> 00:37:42,680
DONNY: (ON PHONE) Yo!
Donny.
998
00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:44,960
- I'm in a Jacuzzi. Hang on one sec.
- GIRLS: Yeah.
999
00:37:45,600 --> 00:37:46,800
Fucking... Here.
1000
00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:48,240
- Who'll take the cigar?
- Oh, no.
1001
00:37:48,360 --> 00:37:49,320
Donny.
Keep that lit for me.
1002
00:37:49,400 --> 00:37:50,600
Take my fucking shades.
1003
00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:51,960
'Wear them if you want.
Yeah!
1004
00:37:52,000 --> 00:37:53,200
All right.
So, hang on.
1005
00:37:53,240 --> 00:37:54,240
GIRL 1:
I want to wear them.
1006
00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:55,440
I'll be back.
1007
00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:56,680
GIRL 2:
Oh.
1008
00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:58,000
(GIRLS GASPING)
1009
00:37:58,040 --> 00:37:59,160
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
1010
00:37:59,840 --> 00:38:00,880
DONNY:
All right.
1011
00:38:00,960 --> 00:38:01,960
My goodness!
1012
00:38:02,240 --> 00:38:03,360
Yeah, what's going on?
1013
00:38:03,840 --> 00:38:05,080
Guess what's on TV?
1014
00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:07,160
Hey, there, little buddy.
1015
00:38:07,360 --> 00:38:08,920
I'm Mr. Mitty.
1016
00:38:09,800 --> 00:38:12,960
I will always love you.
1017
00:38:13,440 --> 00:38:15,200
What is that,
The Donny Berger Story?
1018
00:38:15,280 --> 00:38:16,280
CHAMPALE:
Hell, yeah.
1019
00:38:16,520 --> 00:38:18,560
Don't you get money every
time that shit is shown?
1020
00:38:18,680 --> 00:38:20,640
This could be your
"get out of jail free" card.
1021
00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:23,840
Last check I got for that
was 85 cents.
1022
00:38:24,120 --> 00:38:26,520
Is Han Solo gonna do the show
at the women's prison with you?
1023
00:38:26,720 --> 00:38:30,280
You know, I haven't discussed
any particulars with him yet.
1024
00:38:30,360 --> 00:38:33,320
I am actually just trying
to be a dad right now.
1025
00:38:33,800 --> 00:38:35,360
You're gonna go
to prison on Tuesday.
1026
00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:37,160
You have got to get
that money somehow.
1027
00:38:39,080 --> 00:38:40,200
Kenny, what the fuck?
1028
00:38:40,320 --> 00:38:41,880
I thought this was
a bathroom!
1029
00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:42,960
Fuck you!
1030
00:38:43,520 --> 00:38:45,040
Honk! Oh, nobody
squeezes my titty
1031
00:38:45,120 --> 00:38:46,320
for free, honey!
1032
00:38:46,360 --> 00:38:48,080
Okay, good luck
with that.
1033
00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:50,080
JAMIE: God,
you're such an idiot!
1034
00:38:50,160 --> 00:38:52,200
Todd, you already
messed up my flowers!
1035
00:38:52,640 --> 00:38:54,480
TODD: I'm sorry.
Just get the cake!
1036
00:38:54,760 --> 00:38:57,000
No walnuts!
No fucking excuses!
1037
00:38:57,400 --> 00:38:59,200
I love you!
Do you love me?
1038
00:38:59,600 --> 00:39:00,600
(JAMIE GROANS)
1039
00:39:00,720 --> 00:39:01,840
What?
1040
00:39:02,480 --> 00:39:03,480
(SHOWER RUNNING)
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
1041
00:39:03,560 --> 00:39:05,440
"You screwed up my cake!"
1042
00:39:05,480 --> 00:39:06,680
"You screwed up my cake!"
1043
00:39:06,760 --> 00:39:07,920
(CHUCKLES)
TODD: What?
1044
00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:09,480
It's me, it's me.
Can I come in?
1045
00:39:09,720 --> 00:39:11,080
Yeah, sure.
What's up, buddy?
1046
00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:13,080
What was she yelling at?
What'd you do wrong?
1047
00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:14,240
(LAUGHS)
1048
00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:16,520
Oh, she's just stressed out
'cause of the wedding.
1049
00:39:16,640 --> 00:39:18,000
Oh, really?
1050
00:39:18,080 --> 00:39:19,320
You sure she's
not stressed out
1051
00:39:19,360 --> 00:39:20,560
about maybe
sex or something?
1052
00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:22,360
Have you, have you been
going down on her?
1053
00:39:22,880 --> 00:39:24,320
What?
No, I'm just saying,
1054
00:39:24,360 --> 00:39:26,440
a lot of times girls
I've met over the years,
1055
00:39:26,520 --> 00:39:28,760
when they've been ragging on
me and yelling at me and shit,
1056
00:39:28,800 --> 00:39:31,240
if I kiss their pussies
they kind of go,
1057
00:39:31,320 --> 00:39:33,440
"Ah, you're right,
you're a good guy."
1058
00:39:34,200 --> 00:39:35,960
Yeah, that's personal, Donny.
1059
00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:38,040
Yeah, no, no. You know her
better than me, fine.
1060
00:39:38,200 --> 00:39:39,680
Mmm. So, uh...
1061
00:39:41,240 --> 00:39:43,120
You wear a bathing suit
in the shower?
1062
00:39:43,480 --> 00:39:45,160
You know that's
fucking nuts, right?
1063
00:39:45,240 --> 00:39:46,280
Are you serious?
1064
00:39:46,320 --> 00:39:47,320
I can't even
take my shirt off
1065
00:39:47,400 --> 00:39:48,520
in front of other people
because of you.
1066
00:39:48,840 --> 00:39:51,000
Because of me.
What did I do this time?
1067
00:39:51,360 --> 00:39:52,920
Oh, let me jog your memory.
1068
00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:55,760
(LAUGHING LOUDLY)
1069
00:39:58,960 --> 00:40:00,440
The New Kids
on the Block!
1070
00:40:00,760 --> 00:40:01,840
Holy shit!
1071
00:40:01,920 --> 00:40:04,040
Their heads are
all warped now!
1072
00:40:04,120 --> 00:40:05,560
Oh. My God!
1073
00:40:05,600 --> 00:40:07,800
Yeah, it's 'cause I got it
when I was in third grade.
1074
00:40:07,880 --> 00:40:09,000
My body grew.
1075
00:40:09,040 --> 00:40:11,160
I'm sorry. It's fine, it's fine.
Let me see it again.
1076
00:40:11,280 --> 00:40:12,360
(LAUGHS)
1077
00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:14,520
♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
1078
00:40:14,640 --> 00:40:16,800
♪ You got a back tattoo ♪
1079
00:40:16,880 --> 00:40:18,680
♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
1080
00:40:18,720 --> 00:40:20,520
♪ Their heads are ♪
♪ fucking warped ♪
1081
00:40:21,160 --> 00:40:22,960
- You suck.
- Come on, dude.
1082
00:40:23,040 --> 00:40:24,240
Why you getting
so serious?
1083
00:40:24,360 --> 00:40:26,440
I still got the tattoo
I got when I was,
1084
00:40:26,520 --> 00:40:29,240
when I was a teenager, and
I'm fine with it, you know.
1085
00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:32,600
"De plane!"
1086
00:40:33,040 --> 00:40:35,840
"De plane!
De plane!"
1087
00:40:36,200 --> 00:40:38,840
Yeah, I remember it. I still
don't know who that is.
1088
00:40:39,600 --> 00:40:40,880
It's fucking...
1089
00:40:40,960 --> 00:40:43,160
"De plane, de plane" guy
from Fantasy Island.
1090
00:40:43,200 --> 00:40:44,240
Tattoo.
1091
00:40:44,320 --> 00:40:46,320
I got a tattoo of Tattoo.
I thought that was funny.
1092
00:40:46,640 --> 00:40:47,720
Well, it's not.
1093
00:40:48,040 --> 00:40:49,320
Lighten up, dude.
Come on.
1094
00:40:49,400 --> 00:40:50,800
"De plane!"
Don't. Donny, don't.
1095
00:40:51,200 --> 00:40:52,320
I'm serious.
"De plane!"
1096
00:40:52,400 --> 00:40:53,440
- No.
- You're still ticklish.
1097
00:40:53,480 --> 00:40:55,080
No, I'm not ticklish!
(LAUGHS)
1098
00:40:55,160 --> 00:40:56,760
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1099
00:40:57,920 --> 00:40:59,400
Come on, now!
Oh, the tickle monster.
1100
00:40:59,440 --> 00:41:01,680
- Oh, I tickle you like that.
- No.
1101
00:41:01,720 --> 00:41:02,880
Stop! No, stop it!
1102
00:41:02,960 --> 00:41:04,560
Watch yourself.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1103
00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:06,560
Stop it! Stop it, no!
1104
00:41:07,640 --> 00:41:08,840
Give me that, Hansie.
1105
00:41:09,080 --> 00:41:10,800
Why is your dick
in my face?
1106
00:41:10,880 --> 00:41:12,600
And why is it
kind of hard?
1107
00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:15,200
What are you
two homos doing?
1108
00:41:19,720 --> 00:41:21,000
Just rasslin'.
1109
00:41:21,680 --> 00:41:22,720
All right.
1110
00:41:22,800 --> 00:41:24,000
'Cause you're looking
at an all-state
1111
00:41:24,080 --> 00:41:26,160
fucking wrestling champion,
and I got the winner.
1112
00:41:26,280 --> 00:41:27,560
Okay. Well, he won.
1113
00:41:27,680 --> 00:41:29,080
No, I didn't. Yeah, you did.
You won.
1114
00:41:29,120 --> 00:41:30,160
What? No, I didn't.
1115
00:41:30,240 --> 00:41:31,960
You're gonna love it, buddy.
Wrestle him.
1116
00:41:32,000 --> 00:41:33,520
- Yeah, Chad.
- No, no.
1117
00:41:33,720 --> 00:41:35,000
It's actually
a funny story.
1118
00:41:35,080 --> 00:41:36,240
We were having
a tickle fight.
1119
00:41:36,280 --> 00:41:37,320
We weren't
wrestling at all.
1120
00:41:37,360 --> 00:41:39,200
I was losing,
admittedly.
1121
00:41:39,240 --> 00:41:40,240
DONNY:
Aw, God, I got to
1122
00:41:40,320 --> 00:41:41,840
start doing some
crunches or something.
1123
00:41:41,920 --> 00:41:43,040
Look at this.
1124
00:41:43,120 --> 00:41:44,240
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
1125
00:41:44,680 --> 00:41:46,040
Oh, you don't like him?
1126
00:41:46,200 --> 00:41:47,680
Oh, we don't like you.
1127
00:41:48,400 --> 00:41:50,240
(CHUCKLES) He's talking
to his dick, buddy.
1128
00:41:50,960 --> 00:41:51,960
(GRUNTS)
1129
00:41:52,040 --> 00:41:53,080
Now he's hitting it.
1130
00:41:53,440 --> 00:41:54,880
(GRUNTS)
No! Why?
1131
00:41:55,040 --> 00:41:57,600
(CHUCKLES) Oh! You got
to puff that fucker up!
1132
00:41:58,000 --> 00:41:59,080
Oh, what? No.
1133
00:41:59,120 --> 00:42:01,120
You don't have to
puff that fucker up.
1134
00:42:01,240 --> 00:42:02,360
Let's do this.
1135
00:42:02,480 --> 00:42:04,440
Chad, I'm sure you're
very athletic... Okay!
1136
00:42:04,520 --> 00:42:05,680
Okay!
1137
00:42:05,960 --> 00:42:07,840
I tap out. You win,
you win I tap out.
1138
00:42:08,120 --> 00:42:10,000
Do you like
fucking my sister, Todd?
1139
00:42:11,080 --> 00:42:13,680
I mean, do you like sticking your
dirty booger fingers in her?
1140
00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:14,760
(BACK CRACKS)
1141
00:42:14,800 --> 00:42:15,840
Whoa, what was that?
1142
00:42:15,920 --> 00:42:17,560
Let's all just
keep our heads, okay?
1143
00:42:17,600 --> 00:42:18,920
We've all been drinking
a lot tonight.
1144
00:42:19,080 --> 00:42:20,960
I'm gonna skull-fuck you...
(BOTTLE CLANKS)
1145
00:42:23,840 --> 00:42:25,720
And that is
the end of that.
1146
00:42:25,800 --> 00:42:26,960
(CHUCKLES)
1147
00:42:27,040 --> 00:42:28,200
(CLEARS THROAT)
1148
00:42:28,240 --> 00:42:30,120
What, you're mad at me?
1149
00:42:30,680 --> 00:42:32,520
How am I the fucking
bad guy right now?
1150
00:42:33,080 --> 00:42:34,720
Oh, you're gonna
fucking give me shit
1151
00:42:34,760 --> 00:42:35,960
with that tattoo
on your back?
1152
00:42:36,040 --> 00:42:38,000
(LAUGHS) Look at that
stupid fucking thing.
1153
00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:39,720
Good buddy,
he'll be fine.
1154
00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:42,880
Yeah, so we got Chad all
tucked in, safe and sound.
1155
00:42:43,040 --> 00:42:44,960
JAMIE: I never heard of him
passing out drunk before.
1156
00:42:45,120 --> 00:42:46,160
Yeah, it was crazy.
It was like,
1157
00:42:46,240 --> 00:42:48,480
one second, he was with
us, totally awake.
1158
00:42:48,560 --> 00:42:50,240
Next thing you know,
he's face down,
1159
00:42:50,800 --> 00:42:51,920
birds a-chirpin'.
1160
00:42:53,760 --> 00:42:55,280
What do you think?
(CHUCKLES)
1161
00:42:55,920 --> 00:42:57,000
You look amazing.
1162
00:42:57,320 --> 00:42:58,840
Oh, wait!
Isn't it bad luck for me
1163
00:42:58,920 --> 00:43:00,440
to see the dress before
the wedding, though?
1164
00:43:00,480 --> 00:43:03,000
This is a $12,000
Vera Wang dress.
1165
00:43:03,120 --> 00:43:04,441
I'm gonna wear it
whenever I want.
1166
00:43:05,200 --> 00:43:08,000
You'd look hot
in a $12 Wang Chung dress.
1167
00:43:08,680 --> 00:43:10,320
That sounds like
a line Donny would say.
1168
00:43:10,440 --> 00:43:11,720
Yeah, except he'd say,
1169
00:43:11,760 --> 00:43:14,960
"You'd look friggin' hot in a
Wang Dang Sweet Poontang dress."
1170
00:43:15,440 --> 00:43:18,240
Just think he's, like, trailer
park-y or something you know?
1171
00:43:18,480 --> 00:43:18,808
Yeah.
1172
00:43:18,833 --> 00:43:20,144
That's probably why
his son ran off.
1173
00:43:20,320 --> 00:43:21,760
His what? What? Who?
His son about...
1174
00:43:21,800 --> 00:43:23,440
What'd he say? What did you hear?
Did he say something?
1175
00:43:23,520 --> 00:43:26,320
Just look at the first page of that
book he's been handing out to everyone.
1176
00:43:26,400 --> 00:43:28,040
He has? What? No.
1177
00:43:29,240 --> 00:43:31,040
Head in the Class?
1178
00:43:31,920 --> 00:43:35,080
He said, it's like Head of the
Class, only with blowjobs.
1179
00:43:35,760 --> 00:43:37,040
It's gross.
1180
00:43:37,280 --> 00:43:39,120
Yeah, it's gross.
Blowjobs are gross.
1181
00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:40,320
We don't do those.
1182
00:43:40,880 --> 00:43:42,880
"Dear Jamie, I know you'll
make Todd very happy"
1183
00:43:42,920 --> 00:43:44,200
"if you bleach
your little brown eye."
1184
00:43:44,280 --> 00:43:46,080
Oh, no, not this part.
1185
00:43:56,520 --> 00:43:57,800
Wow, that's sad.
1186
00:43:59,440 --> 00:44:00,640
(SIGHS)
1187
00:44:02,000 --> 00:44:03,680
That weirdly got me.
(CHUCKLES)
1188
00:44:03,760 --> 00:44:06,880
I don't know why it got me,
but it just got me.
1189
00:44:08,320 --> 00:44:09,400
(SIGHS)
1190
00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:10,720
Can I get a hug
right now, or...
1191
00:44:10,920 --> 00:44:13,120
No, no, no, no! We can't
wrinkle the dress.
1192
00:44:13,240 --> 00:44:15,160
Hey, if you don't want
to wrinkle the dress,
1193
00:44:15,200 --> 00:44:17,080
may I suggest
we just remove it?
1194
00:44:17,280 --> 00:44:18,480
Did you take two Xanax?
1195
00:44:18,520 --> 00:44:20,920
I actually took
three Xanax.
1196
00:44:20,960 --> 00:44:23,160
And you know
that the Xanax makes me.
1197
00:44:23,440 --> 00:44:26,600
♪ "H" to the "O" to the "R" ♪
♪ To the "N" to the "Y" ♪
1198
00:44:26,680 --> 00:44:28,440
- ♪ So horny for my fiancee ♪
- No!
1199
00:44:28,760 --> 00:44:29,840
Down.
1200
00:44:30,360 --> 00:44:32,440
I don't want to have sex
with my family in the house.
1201
00:44:32,680 --> 00:44:33,680
No, I know.
1202
00:44:33,760 --> 00:44:36,120
I don't want to have sex
with your family, either.
1203
00:44:36,200 --> 00:44:37,480
In the house.
1204
00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:39,280
Came out weird.
1205
00:44:40,120 --> 00:44:42,760
Possibly my last night of
spanking the hell out of it
1206
00:44:42,840 --> 00:44:45,480
without having a roommate
watching me, so...
1207
00:44:45,880 --> 00:44:47,400
What do we got
to work with here?
1208
00:44:52,720 --> 00:44:54,240
Rich people magazines.
1209
00:44:55,480 --> 00:44:57,920
Eh, let's see what we got.
1210
00:45:00,880 --> 00:45:02,320
If I hadn't partied
with her husband
1211
00:45:02,360 --> 00:45:04,040
so many times,
I would.
1212
00:45:04,120 --> 00:45:05,960
But it's disrespectful
to him.
1213
00:45:06,840 --> 00:45:08,320
I don't know.
1214
00:45:12,440 --> 00:45:13,440
Hello.
1215
00:45:14,280 --> 00:45:17,960
Jeezum crow, you really were a
model, weren't you, Grandma?
1216
00:45:18,680 --> 00:45:22,320
Yeah, old Mr. Woolworth
really, really knew
1217
00:45:22,360 --> 00:45:24,080
how to pick them,
didn't he?
1218
00:45:24,600 --> 00:45:27,320
I love that
old-time bathing suit.
1219
00:45:28,880 --> 00:45:31,240
I could take you to the
speakeasy, and we could,
1220
00:45:31,560 --> 00:45:33,560
we could do
the naked Charleston.
1221
00:45:34,240 --> 00:45:37,360
I have to ship out in the
morning to fight the Nazis,
1222
00:45:37,400 --> 00:45:39,640
so you better give me
something to remember.
1223
00:45:39,880 --> 00:45:40,920
(CHUCKLES)
1224
00:45:41,360 --> 00:45:42,480
What's that?
1225
00:45:43,280 --> 00:45:44,280
Oh, my God.
1226
00:45:44,840 --> 00:45:48,280
Old lady Grandma wants to
get in on the action, too.
1227
00:45:49,040 --> 00:45:50,360
Should we let her?
1228
00:45:50,440 --> 00:45:52,720
I think we should.
(CHUCKLES)
1229
00:45:53,040 --> 00:45:54,200
Oh, my God.
1230
00:45:54,680 --> 00:45:55,920
(MOANS)
1231
00:45:56,040 --> 00:45:57,600
Why do I like her better
right now?
1232
00:45:58,320 --> 00:45:59,560
Oh, you bad...
1233
00:45:59,600 --> 00:46:01,320
(GROANS)
What have you done to me?
1234
00:46:01,360 --> 00:46:03,200
What have you done to me?
1235
00:46:03,280 --> 00:46:04,600
(LAUGHS)
1236
00:46:05,760 --> 00:46:07,440
We got to go for round two,
1237
00:46:07,520 --> 00:46:09,320
but give me
a little bit of time.
1238
00:46:10,120 --> 00:46:11,960
Give me
a little bit of time.
1239
00:46:14,960 --> 00:46:16,680
Oh, lovely.
1240
00:46:17,240 --> 00:46:18,680
Just lovely.
1241
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:27,560
Oh, goodness.
1242
00:46:33,680 --> 00:46:34,880
Oh, my word.
1243
00:46:38,960 --> 00:46:40,760
TODD: Best man,
wedding rehearsal
1244
00:46:40,800 --> 00:46:42,000
in an hour.
1245
00:46:43,040 --> 00:46:45,040
There's
so many tissues.
1246
00:46:45,600 --> 00:46:46,600
Oh...
1247
00:46:47,680 --> 00:46:49,080
Oh, oh!
1248
00:46:49,360 --> 00:46:51,400
Oh, God. You know, don't
touch those, okay? Let's...
1249
00:46:51,760 --> 00:46:53,200
(GROANS)
Okay.
1250
00:46:53,360 --> 00:46:54,880
I'm gonna just
clean that up.
1251
00:46:55,240 --> 00:46:56,440
Yeah, Donny's sick.
1252
00:46:56,920 --> 00:46:58,720
You don't want to touch these
'cause you'll get sick.
1253
00:46:58,960 --> 00:47:01,000
He's got post-nasal drip,
so...
1254
00:47:01,800 --> 00:47:02,920
(GRUNTING)
1255
00:47:05,840 --> 00:47:06,920
(SOBBING)
1256
00:47:07,000 --> 00:47:08,040
(RETCHES)
1257
00:47:08,280 --> 00:47:10,600
The tissue's
stuck to my picture.
1258
00:47:10,680 --> 00:47:11,880
Here, let me.
1259
00:47:12,480 --> 00:47:13,800
Yuck!
(GROANS)
1260
00:47:13,880 --> 00:47:15,201
I'll grab that from you.
I got it.
1261
00:47:16,400 --> 00:47:19,000
Oh, look at that! There's a
little tissue beard there.
1262
00:47:19,040 --> 00:47:21,200
No, don't touch it, please.
Don't worry about it.
1263
00:47:21,240 --> 00:47:22,720
Oh, that poor dear.
1264
00:47:23,040 --> 00:47:25,160
I'll just get him
some nice, fresh juice.
1265
00:47:25,600 --> 00:47:27,080
Mmm-hmm. Juice.
That's a great idea.
1266
00:47:27,160 --> 00:47:28,680
Thank you, Grandma D.
Thanks.
1267
00:47:29,280 --> 00:47:32,760
You know, hon, if he's
really under the weather,
1268
00:47:32,800 --> 00:47:35,960
maybe it's best if he
doesn't masturbate so much.
1269
00:47:37,640 --> 00:47:38,960
That's good advice.
1270
00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:40,560
I'll tell him that,
thank you.
1271
00:47:44,480 --> 00:47:46,960
Okay, you can stop pretending
to sleep, Sir Jizz-a-lot.
1272
00:47:47,360 --> 00:47:49,920
The old broad knew I was whacking
to her the whole time, didn't she?
1273
00:47:50,000 --> 00:47:51,000
(LAUGHS)
1274
00:47:51,280 --> 00:47:52,320
That's so funny.
1275
00:47:52,400 --> 00:47:55,720
But your improve were awesome "Post-nasal
dick," or whatever you said.
1276
00:47:55,960 --> 00:48:00,200
You know, I can't believe your
balls produce that much stuff.
1277
00:48:00,640 --> 00:48:02,280
Dude, at least I got balls.
1278
00:48:02,560 --> 00:48:03,800
What's that
supposed to mean?
1279
00:48:03,880 --> 00:48:04,880
(LAUGHS)
1280
00:48:04,960 --> 00:48:06,160
Let me just crack open
1281
00:48:06,240 --> 00:48:08,160
some happiness first, yeah.
1282
00:48:09,280 --> 00:48:10,840
All I'm saying is
the Chad thing,
1283
00:48:10,920 --> 00:48:12,760
when that dude came
at you last night,
1284
00:48:12,920 --> 00:48:14,920
you kind of, like, looked
like a deer in headlights.
1285
00:48:14,960 --> 00:48:16,520
(WATER RUNNING)
Your whole aura
1286
00:48:16,560 --> 00:48:18,240
is actually that
of a pussy.
1287
00:48:18,320 --> 00:48:19,520
Or a kiss-ass.
1288
00:48:19,560 --> 00:48:20,560
It is not.
1289
00:48:21,960 --> 00:48:23,000
It is, too.
1290
00:48:23,760 --> 00:48:25,240
What the fuck am I doing?
1291
00:48:25,320 --> 00:48:27,360
No, I'm just saying you got
to stand up for yourself
1292
00:48:27,400 --> 00:48:29,960
every once in awhile, buddy,
or she's never gonna bang you.
1293
00:48:30,320 --> 00:48:32,880
I'll have you know,
she bangs me all the time.
1294
00:48:33,120 --> 00:48:34,600
All right? She bangs.
1295
00:48:35,280 --> 00:48:37,720
Does she live the la
vida loca, too, or...
1296
00:48:38,280 --> 00:48:39,520
Very funny.
1297
00:48:39,680 --> 00:48:41,160
(WOMEN SQUEALING)
1298
00:48:44,320 --> 00:48:45,320
Well, good day, everyone.
1299
00:48:45,400 --> 00:48:46,520
GERALD:
Father.
1300
00:48:46,560 --> 00:48:48,960
Father McNally, thank you so
much for coming out to the Cape.
1301
00:48:49,040 --> 00:48:50,040
My honor.
1302
00:48:50,120 --> 00:48:51,280
Very cool.
1303
00:48:51,360 --> 00:48:52,360
Oh, yes.
1304
00:48:52,840 --> 00:48:53,960
Chad.
1305
00:48:54,920 --> 00:48:56,560
You'll excuse me,
won't you?
1306
00:48:56,880 --> 00:48:59,240
While you're in this church,
you'll show the proper respect.
1307
00:48:59,600 --> 00:49:01,600
No e-mailing,
no texting,
1308
00:49:02,600 --> 00:49:06,240
no Facebooking, no Skyping
and no Angry Birds.
1309
00:49:06,840 --> 00:49:08,200
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, that one hurts.
1310
00:49:08,240 --> 00:49:09,480
(LAUGHTER)
No, no.
1311
00:49:09,560 --> 00:49:10,840
I get it.
1312
00:49:11,280 --> 00:49:12,800
It's the 2010s.
1313
00:49:13,200 --> 00:49:15,160
Everyone's having sex
and drinking lattes.
1314
00:49:15,360 --> 00:49:16,920
No, Father.
(CHUCKLES)
1315
00:49:17,720 --> 00:49:20,000
But, you see,
this is my world.
1316
00:49:20,960 --> 00:49:23,000
We'll abide by my rules
while we're here.
1317
00:49:24,360 --> 00:49:26,200
Maybe we should start
1318
00:49:26,240 --> 00:49:27,280
with the, uh,
the father of the groom.
1319
00:49:27,720 --> 00:49:29,080
Oh, uh, uh...
1320
00:49:30,160 --> 00:49:31,520
his father passed away.
1321
00:49:31,800 --> 00:49:33,440
He died in
an explosion.
1322
00:49:34,320 --> 00:49:37,080
Sounds fishy, but...
it really happened.
1323
00:49:38,400 --> 00:49:39,400
Yep.
1324
00:49:40,960 --> 00:49:42,720
I'm... I'm truly sorry
to hear that, son.
1325
00:49:43,160 --> 00:49:45,200
Oh, thank you,
but, uh, it's fine.
1326
00:49:45,880 --> 00:49:46,920
He deserved it.
1327
00:49:47,200 --> 00:49:48,320
So...
1328
00:49:48,680 --> 00:49:50,080
What is that
supposed to mean?
1329
00:49:50,360 --> 00:49:52,280
Oh, I didn't mean
anything by it.
1330
00:49:52,320 --> 00:49:54,480
He just, you know,
wasn't a great dad.
1331
00:50:04,320 --> 00:50:06,720
So your father, he...
he abused you, did he?
1332
00:50:07,360 --> 00:50:08,680
Oh, no, nothing
like that.
1333
00:50:09,080 --> 00:50:10,240
Was he a murderer?
1334
00:50:10,280 --> 00:50:11,280
Rapist?
1335
00:50:12,840 --> 00:50:14,240
No. Father,
I'm sorry, I...
1336
00:50:14,280 --> 00:50:18,240
My father beat me
every day with a rake.
1337
00:50:19,320 --> 00:50:20,360
But you don't hear me
1338
00:50:20,440 --> 00:50:23,120
smack-talking him like
some baby little princess.
1339
00:50:23,200 --> 00:50:24,960
Not here in the house
of the Lord.
1340
00:50:36,560 --> 00:50:39,120
You know, I can't hear
a word you're saying.
1341
00:50:41,640 --> 00:50:44,320
All I can focus on
is your shit breath.
1342
00:50:49,760 --> 00:50:52,840
I'd, um, I'd like to show you
the garden for a minute.
1343
00:50:54,520 --> 00:50:55,960
(CHUCKLING)
Oh...
1344
00:51:00,360 --> 00:51:01,440
Now, then.
1345
00:51:01,560 --> 00:51:02,881
Okay, you know what?
Let's just...
1346
00:51:03,360 --> 00:51:04,440
(PEOPLE GASP)
1347
00:51:05,160 --> 00:51:06,440
(LAUGHS)
1348
00:51:07,680 --> 00:51:08,760
(PEOPLE MURMURING)
1349
00:51:08,800 --> 00:51:09,840
Fucking old guy's got
1350
00:51:09,920 --> 00:51:11,240
- a cannon on him.
- What happened?
1351
00:51:11,320 --> 00:51:13,680
DONNY: What happened is I think
he's having a mini-meltdown.
1352
00:51:13,720 --> 00:51:15,360
Yeah, he's taking
his shirt off now.
1353
00:51:15,400 --> 00:51:17,000
Oh, my God.
And, he's pretty ripped
1354
00:51:17,040 --> 00:51:19,120
for an old fuck, so we're
in trouble right now.
1355
00:51:19,560 --> 00:51:20,760
What is going on here?
1356
00:51:20,880 --> 00:51:22,080
All right, all right.
1357
00:51:22,120 --> 00:51:23,160
Go time, go time.
1358
00:51:23,240 --> 00:51:24,400
PHIL: Oh, no, think
about what you're doing!
1359
00:51:24,480 --> 00:51:25,480
Be careful.
1360
00:51:26,080 --> 00:51:27,360
(SCREAMS)
He bit me!
1361
00:51:27,640 --> 00:51:28,800
Did you see that?
That was amazing!
1362
00:51:28,880 --> 00:51:29,920
This could get ugly.
1363
00:51:30,000 --> 00:51:32,120
The Father actually
killed a guy in the ring.
1364
00:51:32,200 --> 00:51:33,520
That's why
he became a priest.
1365
00:51:33,560 --> 00:51:34,600
Oh.
1366
00:51:34,680 --> 00:51:35,720
Just keep your
hands up, kid!
1367
00:51:35,760 --> 00:51:36,800
Get 'em down!
1368
00:51:36,880 --> 00:51:37,880
Hang in there, guy!
1369
00:51:37,960 --> 00:51:39,080
(GRUNTING)
1370
00:51:39,160 --> 00:51:40,480
He keeps punching him!
1371
00:51:42,680 --> 00:51:43,840
Aw, come on, guy. Oh.
1372
00:51:45,760 --> 00:51:46,800
That's my boy!
1373
00:51:46,880 --> 00:51:49,000
Why, you came right back
with your own shit.
1374
00:51:49,040 --> 00:51:50,080
Nice, kid.
1375
00:51:50,160 --> 00:51:51,960
(SPEAKING IN TONGUES)
1376
00:51:53,600 --> 00:51:54,600
What the fuck is that?
1377
00:51:54,680 --> 00:51:56,920
Okay, he's going to a whole
other place right now.
1378
00:51:57,000 --> 00:51:59,280
(SHOUTING IN TONGUES)
1379
00:52:00,080 --> 00:52:01,280
You know what?
Maybe just run.
1380
00:52:01,320 --> 00:52:03,440
Get the fuck out of here
Go, 90, 90, 90, 90-
1381
00:52:04,200 --> 00:52:05,240
No.
1382
00:52:06,040 --> 00:52:07,120
I'm not gonna run.
1383
00:52:07,240 --> 00:52:08,680
Finish him, Father McNally!
1384
00:52:08,720 --> 00:52:09,720
Finish him!
1385
00:52:10,200 --> 00:52:11,800
(HEAVY METAL PLAYING)
1386
00:52:19,200 --> 00:52:20,200
♪ Here we go... ♪
1387
00:52:20,280 --> 00:52:21,840
(BOTTLE CLANKS)
(PEOPLE GASP)
1388
00:52:23,680 --> 00:52:26,080
Geez. He went down like
a sack of potatoes, huh?
1389
00:52:27,400 --> 00:52:29,040
(PEOPLE CHATTERING ANGRILY)
1390
00:52:30,320 --> 00:52:32,120
What is the matter
with you?
1391
00:52:32,160 --> 00:52:34,520
You know, we've known
Father McNally for 30 years.
1392
00:52:34,600 --> 00:52:36,080
30 years! 30 years.
30 years.
1393
00:52:36,440 --> 00:52:37,561
I ought to
rip off your head!
1394
00:52:37,600 --> 00:52:38,640
(CLAMORING)
1395
00:52:38,720 --> 00:52:39,800
(BARKING)
DONNY: Gerald!
1396
00:52:40,120 --> 00:52:41,240
I'm sorry.
1397
00:52:41,320 --> 00:52:43,920
Sorry's not gonna keep you
from burning in hell, Todd.
1398
00:52:44,360 --> 00:52:45,920
Hey, this is
all my fault.
1399
00:52:45,960 --> 00:52:47,800
I shouldn't have hit
the guy with the bottle.
1400
00:52:47,880 --> 00:52:49,240
I'm, like,
a moron over here.
1401
00:52:49,440 --> 00:52:51,440
No, now, Donny, I will not let
you take the blame for this.
1402
00:52:51,520 --> 00:52:53,720
You had to do it.
You saved his life again.
1403
00:52:54,160 --> 00:52:56,040
And you looked
very sexy doing it.
1404
00:52:57,840 --> 00:53:00,200
Why was the sound
of that bottle so familiar?
1405
00:53:00,360 --> 00:53:02,160
Todd is such a loser.
(PEOPLE MURMURING)
1406
00:53:02,720 --> 00:53:04,000
Here comes your girl.
Here we go.
1407
00:53:04,680 --> 00:53:05,800
Jame, I'm sorry,
but, look,
1408
00:53:05,880 --> 00:53:07,400
you got to admit, I stood
up for myself back there.
1409
00:53:07,600 --> 00:53:09,720
Do you have fucking rocks
in your head, Todd?
1410
00:53:10,240 --> 00:53:11,240
No.
1411
00:53:11,320 --> 00:53:12,320
Well, where are we
gonna get married now?
1412
00:53:12,360 --> 00:53:13,760
We got kicked out
of the church!
1413
00:53:13,800 --> 00:53:15,000
Jame...
1414
00:53:15,360 --> 00:53:16,560
What is
everybody's problem?
1415
00:53:16,600 --> 00:53:18,400
You were awesome out there.
You kicked ass.
1416
00:53:18,440 --> 00:53:19,480
You should be
proud of yourself.
1417
00:53:19,560 --> 00:53:20,560
Proud of myself?
1418
00:53:20,640 --> 00:53:21,840
For what?
1419
00:53:21,920 --> 00:53:24,400
I got my ass kicked, and
everyone's pissed off at me.
1420
00:53:24,440 --> 00:53:26,840
And, by the way, thanks for
the fatherly advice, guy.
1421
00:53:27,480 --> 00:53:29,240
That's the last time
I listen to you.
1422
00:53:29,320 --> 00:53:30,440
Aw...
1423
00:53:31,720 --> 00:53:32,840
(PEOPLE CHATTERING ANGRILY)
1424
00:53:33,960 --> 00:53:35,040
CHAD: I'm gonna choke him out!
He's an asshole!
1425
00:53:35,160 --> 00:53:36,480
I'm gonna choke him out.
1426
00:53:36,520 --> 00:53:38,040
I'm just gonna
choke him out.
1427
00:53:38,280 --> 00:53:39,440
Hey, guys, guys?
1428
00:53:39,480 --> 00:53:42,320
Can I just say something
before we all turn on Todd?
1429
00:53:43,200 --> 00:53:45,040
Churches freak the kid out,
1430
00:53:45,120 --> 00:53:46,960
ever since
his father's funeral.
1431
00:53:47,320 --> 00:53:48,760
After the explosion
1432
00:53:49,320 --> 00:53:51,360
all that was
left of his dad
1433
00:53:51,440 --> 00:53:55,640
was, like, a kneecap and
a little bit of nut sack.
1434
00:53:55,840 --> 00:53:57,360
(WOMEN COO SYMPATHETICALLY)
1435
00:53:58,000 --> 00:53:59,640
It was supposed to be
a closed casket,
1436
00:53:59,720 --> 00:54:01,920
but there was a foul-up
at the mortuary,
1437
00:54:02,000 --> 00:54:03,000
and he actually saw
1438
00:54:03,080 --> 00:54:07,240
a squirrel run into the
coffin and, uh, kind of...
1439
00:54:08,040 --> 00:54:10,440
squeak out of there with his
dad's ball bag in his mouth.
1440
00:54:10,480 --> 00:54:12,321
You know, that's gonna
fuck any of us up, so...
1441
00:54:12,440 --> 00:54:13,480
(GROANS)
Aw...
1442
00:54:13,520 --> 00:54:15,160
So you actually knew
Todd's father?
1443
00:54:15,520 --> 00:54:17,120
Of course I knew the guy.
1444
00:54:17,200 --> 00:54:19,040
He was, uh, he was handsome,
he had fucking great hair,
1445
00:54:19,360 --> 00:54:21,120
uh, a Jedi with
the chicks.
1446
00:54:21,840 --> 00:54:24,800
Went down on girls for a wicked
long time 'cause he was a giver
1447
00:54:24,880 --> 00:54:26,520
and he wanted to see
others be happy.
1448
00:54:27,040 --> 00:54:28,720
Oh, I wish I could
have met him.
1449
00:54:30,120 --> 00:54:31,320
Sounds like a gentleman.
1450
00:54:32,680 --> 00:54:34,440
Was he there enough
for the kid?
1451
00:54:34,480 --> 00:54:35,760
No, maybe not.
But, uh,
1452
00:54:36,000 --> 00:54:38,480
y-you know, he probably
felt bad about it.
1453
00:54:38,840 --> 00:54:41,760
You know, and there's nothing he
can do about it now, so, uh...
1454
00:54:42,840 --> 00:54:43,920
Toddsy.
1455
00:54:44,680 --> 00:54:46,120
Oh, Todd.
1456
00:54:46,160 --> 00:54:47,600
I had no idea.
1457
00:54:47,760 --> 00:54:49,320
(SIGHS) Poor thing.
Are you okay?
1458
00:54:49,360 --> 00:54:50,360
Yeah, yeah.
1459
00:54:50,680 --> 00:54:51,680
It's fine, but
1460
00:54:52,120 --> 00:54:54,040
sometimes I do
still have nightmares.
1461
00:54:54,120 --> 00:54:55,120
Oh, boy.
1462
00:54:55,320 --> 00:54:57,920
That squirrel and
its demonic eyes.
1463
00:54:58,920 --> 00:55:01,280
Tiny piece of skin
flapping in its mouth.
1464
00:55:02,320 --> 00:55:04,240
One lone scraggly hair.
1465
00:55:05,160 --> 00:55:06,240
A pubic hair.
1466
00:55:07,080 --> 00:55:09,200
I mean, maybe this is
a blessing, though, guys.
1467
00:55:09,240 --> 00:55:11,320
Do we really want Father
McNutty to be the one
1468
00:55:11,400 --> 00:55:13,440
who brings these
two guys together?
1469
00:55:13,480 --> 00:55:14,760
I mean, I don't
think so.
1470
00:55:15,040 --> 00:55:17,240
I'm pretty tied into
the church crowd,
1471
00:55:17,280 --> 00:55:19,160
Rageaholics Anonymous
and whatnot.
1472
00:55:19,240 --> 00:55:20,600
I could find
a priest for you.
1473
00:55:20,680 --> 00:55:22,120
I mean, what type
are we looking for?
1474
00:55:22,280 --> 00:55:23,400
Maybe a younger guy.
1475
00:55:23,480 --> 00:55:24,520
Younger guy.
1476
00:55:24,600 --> 00:55:25,600
How about a black guy?
1477
00:55:25,800 --> 00:55:27,320
Oh. Now, I like that.
1478
00:55:27,360 --> 00:55:29,240
It's very urban,
very street.
1479
00:55:29,480 --> 00:55:30,480
GERALD:
Okay.
1480
00:55:30,760 --> 00:55:32,760
But that still
doesn't get us a church.
1481
00:55:33,080 --> 00:55:34,640
Well, I'll tell you where
I would tie the knot
1482
00:55:34,720 --> 00:55:36,200
if I was these
two sexy kids.
1483
00:55:36,280 --> 00:55:37,120
(NOTHING BUT THE BEST PLAYING)
1484
00:55:37,360 --> 00:55:39,040
♪ I like to eat lobster
1485
00:55:39,480 --> 00:55:41,440
♪ Directly from Maine ♪
1486
00:55:42,600 --> 00:55:44,880
Oh, Donny, this is
just such a great idea.
1487
00:55:44,920 --> 00:55:46,360
Thanks. Don't you
love the pergola?
1488
00:55:46,440 --> 00:55:47,640
They're gorgeous!
1489
00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:50,600
You know what, maybe a little
more girly shit up on the arch.
1490
00:55:50,640 --> 00:55:51,760
Oh, you know,
you're right.
1491
00:55:51,840 --> 00:55:54,760
Excuse me, sir, put some
more girly shit up there.
1492
00:55:54,880 --> 00:55:56,120
Calling all ladies!
1493
00:55:56,200 --> 00:55:58,240
The bus for the bachelorette
party is here! Come on!
1494
00:55:58,920 --> 00:56:01,240
Honey, you guys have fun
at the bachelor party!
1495
00:56:01,520 --> 00:56:02,520
Okay.
1496
00:56:02,560 --> 00:56:04,280
Don't get too crazy.
Know your limits.
1497
00:56:05,040 --> 00:56:06,080
Okay.
1498
00:56:06,160 --> 00:56:07,320
We're having
a bachelor party?
1499
00:56:07,480 --> 00:56:08,960
That's, like,
my thing, man.
1500
00:56:09,000 --> 00:56:10,480
Hookers, blow,
1501
00:56:10,560 --> 00:56:11,640
balloons filled with piss.
1502
00:56:11,720 --> 00:56:13,760
I mean, the sky's
the limit, kid.
1503
00:56:14,040 --> 00:56:16,160
No, no, no. Donny,
uh, w-we're all set.
1504
00:56:16,200 --> 00:56:18,760
I have arranged a very special
evening for us tonight.
1505
00:56:19,040 --> 00:56:21,080
(LAUGHS)
This is gonna be awesome!
1506
00:56:21,200 --> 00:56:22,240
(YELLS)
1507
00:56:22,640 --> 00:56:24,920
PHIL: I read about this
place in Oprah's magazine.
1508
00:56:25,040 --> 00:56:26,960
I don't know if she writes
the articles herself,
1509
00:56:27,040 --> 00:56:28,720
but there's some real
good stuff in it.
1510
00:56:28,760 --> 00:56:31,560
Uh, hi, we're for the Todd
Peterson party, please.
1511
00:56:31,880 --> 00:56:33,000
Good evening, gentlemen.
1512
00:56:33,200 --> 00:56:34,760
Ah, Mrs. Ravensdale.
1513
00:56:34,840 --> 00:56:36,320
RAVENSDALE:
Phil, what a blessing.
1514
00:56:36,880 --> 00:56:39,240
Welcome to your
bachelor party package
1515
00:56:39,320 --> 00:56:41,120
here at
He Time Spa For Men.
1516
00:56:41,320 --> 00:56:43,000
Woo-hoo, motherfucker!
1517
00:56:43,040 --> 00:56:45,200
Okay. All right.
(LAUGHS)
1518
00:56:45,240 --> 00:56:47,480
We're gonna set you up
with some nice plush robes,
1519
00:56:47,560 --> 00:56:49,640
and then we have a wonderful
full evening planned
1520
00:56:49,680 --> 00:56:51,880
with massage, facial
and nail treatments,
1521
00:56:52,360 --> 00:56:54,520
and then we're going
to send you home
1522
00:56:54,600 --> 00:56:59,280
with a special gift of our
house-made lavender scrub.
1523
00:57:00,120 --> 00:57:03,040
Uh, Confucius say, "What the
fuck are you talking about?"
1524
00:57:03,960 --> 00:57:04,960
No, Donny,
1525
00:57:05,440 --> 00:57:07,480
uh, Phil thought it would
be nice before the wedding
1526
00:57:07,520 --> 00:57:10,040
for us to all take a little
time to just chill and mellow.
1527
00:57:10,360 --> 00:57:13,200
My wife and I have been burning
it on both ends all week
1528
00:57:13,240 --> 00:57:14,720
with the preschool
applications,
1529
00:57:14,760 --> 00:57:16,560
and I am ready
to be pampered!
1530
00:57:16,840 --> 00:57:18,040
(MEN CHUCKLE)
1531
00:57:19,080 --> 00:57:21,480
All right, all right.
Now we're talking.
1532
00:57:21,520 --> 00:57:23,440
Hey, thanks, honey.
What the fuck's your name?
1533
00:57:23,480 --> 00:57:24,880
Jessica. All right.
Yeah.
1534
00:57:24,960 --> 00:57:26,440
Hey, come on.
Here's to the kid.
1535
00:57:26,480 --> 00:57:29,280
He's fucking getting all
fucked up, ah, tonight!
1536
00:57:29,360 --> 00:57:30,400
Last night!
1537
00:57:30,480 --> 00:57:32,800
Fucking last night of
poontang for this kid.
1538
00:57:37,600 --> 00:57:39,120
What the fuck is this?
1539
00:57:40,600 --> 00:57:42,200
It's water infused
with cucumber,
1540
00:57:42,280 --> 00:57:43,840
rose petal
and harvest sandalwood.
1541
00:57:44,640 --> 00:57:47,640
It tastes like fucking
dick infused with balls.
1542
00:57:49,160 --> 00:57:51,440
And a side of fucking
Rod Stewart's jizz.
1543
00:57:53,000 --> 00:57:54,240
Wait a minute.
What are we drinking
1544
00:57:54,280 --> 00:57:57,040
water at a fucking
bachelor party for, Phil?
1545
00:57:57,720 --> 00:57:59,680
You got to show my son
your tits later.
1546
00:57:59,760 --> 00:58:01,880
Promise me.
Promise me.
1547
00:58:05,080 --> 00:58:07,080
That's... that's nice.
Yeah, good.
1548
00:58:07,480 --> 00:58:08,880
This is great,
sweetheart.
1549
00:58:09,480 --> 00:58:10,560
Really good.
1550
00:58:10,640 --> 00:58:12,320
Nice work. You're going
deep on us, huh?
1551
00:58:13,320 --> 00:58:14,480
That's it.
1552
00:58:15,800 --> 00:58:16,880
What's this, sir?
1553
00:58:16,960 --> 00:58:18,800
Oh, that's just a little, uh...
(CHUCKLES)
1554
00:58:18,840 --> 00:58:20,920
Tip, you know, if you
give me a full package.
1555
00:58:21,360 --> 00:58:24,240
Oh, okay. That's a $150
additional charge.
1556
00:58:25,080 --> 00:58:26,320
You're talking
to the wrong guy.
1557
00:58:26,360 --> 00:58:27,440
That's a little out
of my price range.
1558
00:58:27,520 --> 00:58:30,320
It includes scalp treatment,
reflexology.
1559
00:58:30,400 --> 00:58:32,280
How much is it
to tickle my pickle?
1560
00:58:32,840 --> 00:58:35,880
To yank my crank?
To give me a ho-jo to go?
1561
00:58:36,920 --> 00:58:39,040
Sweetheart, I'm not asking
for a finger up the ass.
1562
00:58:39,080 --> 00:58:41,400
I just want you to just
jerk it a little bit.
1563
00:58:41,840 --> 00:58:44,240
Donny, this isn't
a brothel.
1564
00:58:45,080 --> 00:58:46,400
Then I'm completely
confused
1565
00:58:46,480 --> 00:58:48,520
what the fuck we're
doing here right now!
1566
00:58:48,880 --> 00:58:51,561
So, what, you're just going to get
a hand job in front of all of us?
1567
00:58:51,760 --> 00:58:52,800
I don't know. Am I?
1568
00:58:54,800 --> 00:58:56,200
I guess not!
1569
00:58:56,760 --> 00:58:59,760
You know, I have worked
very hard on this night, Don,
1570
00:59:00,320 --> 00:59:01,960
and you're being
just plain rude.
1571
00:59:02,400 --> 00:59:04,320
Phil, no! Phil!
No, no. Don't do this.
1572
00:59:04,760 --> 00:59:05,880
(MEN SIGHING)
1573
00:59:07,280 --> 00:59:09,600
Nice. That's nice.
1574
00:59:10,000 --> 00:59:13,080
Oh, that's good.
That's good.
1575
00:59:14,040 --> 00:59:15,280
(CHUCKLES)
It tickles.
1576
00:59:15,320 --> 00:59:17,120
Just fight through it, man.
It's worth it.
1577
00:59:17,160 --> 00:59:19,800
If you stop, I swear
I will kill you.
1578
00:59:25,640 --> 00:59:27,560
You know what, if I don't
see a tit in five minutes,
1579
00:59:27,600 --> 00:59:29,161
I'm going to strangle
this motherfucker.
1580
00:59:29,360 --> 00:59:30,920
You should be
ashamed of yourself
1581
00:59:31,000 --> 00:59:32,920
for fucking arranging
this bullshit!
1582
00:59:33,400 --> 00:59:34,960
Well, I feel very relaxed,
1583
00:59:35,040 --> 00:59:37,280
and I think this was
a good use of a Groupon.
1584
00:59:37,560 --> 00:59:39,120
You fucked us, buddy!
1585
00:59:39,800 --> 00:59:42,320
Five more minutes till you
get to choose amongst four
1586
00:59:42,400 --> 00:59:44,720
artisanal house-blended
chocolates, gentlemen.
1587
00:59:45,280 --> 00:59:46,640
PHIL: Oh...
(LAUGHTER)
1588
00:59:46,720 --> 00:59:48,321
We can't let tonight
end like this, boys.
1589
00:59:48,400 --> 00:59:49,480
We got to go out.
1590
00:59:49,520 --> 00:59:51,680
I'm telling you, I can't
let my son have a...
1591
00:59:51,720 --> 00:59:55,360
my son of a gun best friend have
his bachelor party be this.
1592
00:59:55,720 --> 00:59:58,600
You fucking... you guys got your
face covered in leprechaun shit.
1593
00:59:59,240 --> 01:00:00,880
We should be getting
whacked off...
1594
01:00:00,960 --> 01:00:02,960
all of us...
as a fucking team!
1595
01:00:03,760 --> 01:00:06,760
Donny, I think we've had enough
excitement for one night.
1596
01:00:07,200 --> 01:00:10,080
Besides, it's not like you can throw
together a whole other party this late.
1597
01:00:10,160 --> 01:00:11,880
I could have
six chicks making out
1598
01:00:11,920 --> 01:00:14,160
with each other on our
laps in ten minutes.
1599
01:00:15,000 --> 01:00:16,320
I could stay out
a little later.
1600
01:00:17,040 --> 01:00:18,040
Bam!
1601
01:00:18,480 --> 01:00:21,160
(IN SING-SONG TONE)
We gonna get our dicks sucked.
1602
01:00:22,160 --> 01:00:23,280
There it is.
(LAUGHTER)
1603
01:00:23,320 --> 01:00:25,840
Unless, uh, Mrs. Ravensdale, you
want to whip them knockers out?
1604
01:00:25,880 --> 01:00:26,880
We'd love to see them.
1605
01:00:27,000 --> 01:00:28,000
All right,
you know what?
1606
01:00:28,080 --> 01:00:31,120
You are an imbecilic,
immature, asinine, childish,
1607
01:00:31,160 --> 01:00:33,720
caveman-like, hairy-knuckled,
single-chromosomal,
1608
01:00:33,800 --> 01:00:36,280
obnoxious, uneducated,
ignorant asshole
1609
01:00:36,360 --> 01:00:39,120
who I would like to
fuck hard and long!
1610
01:00:40,520 --> 01:00:41,920
So, I'm going to go
put a dent in that.
1611
01:00:42,000 --> 01:00:43,640
You guys get that
green jizz off your face.
1612
01:00:43,680 --> 01:00:44,720
I'll be back in 20.
1613
01:00:45,120 --> 01:00:46,160
We're going out, boys!
1614
01:00:47,320 --> 01:00:48,720
Hey, this is the shit, this place...
I'm telling you.
1615
01:00:48,800 --> 01:00:50,880
The hottest chicks,
the best Denver omelets.
1616
01:00:50,920 --> 01:00:52,120
You have to eat one.
All right.
1617
01:00:52,160 --> 01:00:54,160
Donny! Yeah, this is who
I was telling you about!
1618
01:00:54,240 --> 01:00:55,760
- What's up? Give me that.
- I'm so happy to see you.
1619
01:00:55,840 --> 01:00:57,680
- You look so fucking cute!
- I know, right?
1620
01:00:58,520 --> 01:01:01,560
Oh, and you brought
a military man.
1621
01:01:01,800 --> 01:01:03,200
What's your name, soldier?
1622
01:01:03,480 --> 01:01:04,760
Chad Martin,
private first class,
1623
01:01:04,800 --> 01:01:06,240
United States Marine Corps.
1624
01:01:06,320 --> 01:01:07,560
You think you can
keep that dick
1625
01:01:07,600 --> 01:01:09,080
at attention for
a couple hours?
1626
01:01:09,160 --> 01:01:10,640
(LAUGHS)
That's an order!
1627
01:01:11,800 --> 01:01:12,880
Already on it.
1628
01:01:12,960 --> 01:01:14,640
(LAUGHS)
Look at my man!
1629
01:01:14,680 --> 01:01:15,760
PHIL: You guys,
let me get in here
1630
01:01:15,840 --> 01:01:17,240
and introduce myself.
1631
01:01:17,280 --> 01:01:18,280
Hello. I'm Phil.
1632
01:01:18,360 --> 01:01:19,480
I'm married
with four children,
1633
01:01:19,520 --> 01:01:22,480
and I have actually only seen
three vaginae in my entire life,
1634
01:01:22,520 --> 01:01:23,720
my wife's, my baby's
1635
01:01:23,800 --> 01:01:26,920
and my aunt's once by accident
on the back of a tandem bike.
1636
01:01:27,400 --> 01:01:28,760
Well, here's
number four, baby!
1637
01:01:28,840 --> 01:01:29,960
Oh!
1638
01:01:30,480 --> 01:01:32,560
I'm going to count that
as numbers four and five.
1639
01:01:32,600 --> 01:01:34,120
(LAUGHTER)
1640
01:01:34,160 --> 01:01:35,520
(GIRLS ON THE DANCE FLOOR
PLAYING)
1641
01:01:48,120 --> 01:01:52,520
♪ I see you chillin ♪
♪ by the bar ♪
1642
01:01:54,120 --> 01:01:56,320
DJ: Champale would
like to dedicate this
1643
01:01:56,400 --> 01:01:58,520
to Mr. Todd Peterson.
1644
01:01:58,680 --> 01:02:00,280
(CROWD CHEERING)
1645
01:02:00,320 --> 01:02:01,920
Yeah, baby. Yeah.
Here you go.
1646
01:02:01,960 --> 01:02:03,000
Oh.
1647
01:02:03,320 --> 01:02:04,360
Oh, hey.
1648
01:02:04,440 --> 01:02:05,560
Do you want any eggs?
1649
01:02:05,600 --> 01:02:06,760
Oh, no.
1650
01:02:06,840 --> 01:02:08,080
I really have to
watch what I eat.
1651
01:02:08,160 --> 01:02:09,760
No fatty foods.
But thank you.
1652
01:02:09,920 --> 01:02:11,080
I'm Brie.
1653
01:02:11,160 --> 01:02:12,600
I'm Todd.
Nice to meet you.
1654
01:02:12,720 --> 01:02:15,600
Oh, I know who
you are, Han Solo.
1655
01:02:16,040 --> 01:02:18,040
Oh. Uh, no, you can't...
1656
01:02:18,080 --> 01:02:19,840
Don't worry,
your secret's safe.
1657
01:02:20,520 --> 01:02:21,600
(ANXIOUS LAUGH)
1658
01:02:22,880 --> 01:02:25,800
♪ Hey, girl', what you know ♪
♪ about these stereotypes? ♪
1659
01:02:25,840 --> 01:02:27,320
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
1660
01:02:27,400 --> 01:02:30,120
♪ I-I take a shot ♪
♪ of Patron ♪
1661
01:02:30,160 --> 01:02:32,320
♪ Two shots, then it's on ♪
1662
01:02:32,360 --> 01:02:33,800
♪ Three shot, four shot, ♪
♪ five shot ♪
1663
01:02:33,880 --> 01:02:36,320
♪ Oh, shit, I think I'm gone ♪
1664
01:02:36,360 --> 01:02:38,040
♪ If you're looking for me, ♪
♪ I'm with the ♪
1665
01:02:38,120 --> 01:02:40,040
♪ Girls on the dance floor ♪
1666
01:02:40,120 --> 01:02:42,000
♪ How easy to see ♪
♪ I'm with the ♪
1667
01:02:42,080 --> 01:02:44,120
♪ Girls on the dance floor ♪
1668
01:02:44,160 --> 01:02:45,840
♪ You know I Jove it ♪
♪ when the ♪
1669
01:02:45,920 --> 01:02:48,040
♪ Girls on the dance floor ♪
1670
01:02:48,120 --> 01:02:50,080
♪ That's why this one ♪
♪ is for the ♪
1671
01:02:50,120 --> 01:02:51,960
♪ Girls on the dance floor ♪
1672
01:02:52,000 --> 01:02:53,560
Who did that?
♪ And I'm good to go ♪
1673
01:02:53,640 --> 01:02:55,840
♪ Got the hood feeling ♪
♪ so remarkable ♪
1674
01:02:55,880 --> 01:02:57,800
♪ When the clock hits 4:00, ♪
♪ I'm out the door ♪
1675
01:02:57,840 --> 01:03:00,040
♪ So get your ass ♪
♪ on the floor ♪
1676
01:03:00,080 --> 01:03:02,280
♪ Get your ass on the floor ♪
1677
01:03:02,320 --> 01:03:04,400
♪ Get your ass on the floor ♪
1678
01:03:04,480 --> 01:03:06,240
♪ Oh, you don't ♪
♪ hear me though? ♪
1679
01:03:06,280 --> 01:03:08,080
♪ Get your ass ♪
♪ on the floor, yeah ♪
1680
01:03:08,120 --> 01:03:09,400
♪ If you're looking for me ♪
1681
01:03:09,480 --> 01:03:10,480
♪ I'm with the ♪
1682
01:03:10,520 --> 01:03:12,240
♪ Girls on the dance floor ♪
1683
01:03:12,320 --> 01:03:14,000
♪ How easy to see ♪
♪ I'm with the ♪
1684
01:03:14,080 --> 01:03:16,280
♪ Girls on the dance floor ♪
1685
01:03:16,360 --> 01:03:18,280
♪ You know I love it ♪
♪ when the... ♪
1686
01:03:18,520 --> 01:03:20,120
(CROWD CHEERING)
1687
01:03:22,280 --> 01:03:23,440
(MEN LAUGHING)
1688
01:03:25,640 --> 01:03:27,440
- Gerald, get in the car.
- I love you, Donny!
1689
01:03:27,520 --> 01:03:28,600
Yeah, I love you.
Get in there.
1690
01:03:28,640 --> 01:03:30,080
Man, you got to give me
the recipe, man.
1691
01:03:30,160 --> 01:03:31,720
Can't buy everything,
Spirou!
1692
01:03:31,800 --> 01:03:33,361
Bro, but they use
olive oil, not butter.
1693
01:03:33,440 --> 01:03:34,480
That's the big secret.
1694
01:03:34,560 --> 01:03:35,880
Okay, Chris,
get him in there.
1695
01:03:35,920 --> 01:03:38,240
Be gentle, he... he's
protecting our country.
1696
01:03:38,360 --> 01:03:39,680
All right,
good night, guys!
1697
01:03:39,720 --> 01:03:40,960
(LAUGHS)
1698
01:03:41,240 --> 01:03:43,520
Gerald, you're
a sick man, buddy!
1699
01:03:43,680 --> 01:03:45,000
Whoa.
(GERALD LAUGHING)
1700
01:03:45,080 --> 01:03:46,160
Hey, what...
1701
01:03:46,400 --> 01:03:47,400
Where's everybody going?
1702
01:03:47,480 --> 01:03:48,800
I sent them home, guy.
1703
01:03:48,880 --> 01:03:50,960
I thought, uh, we could
have a little, uh,
1704
01:03:51,040 --> 01:03:53,760
best man/groom alone time.
1705
01:03:54,200 --> 01:03:55,520
Oh. But shouldn't
I go with them?
1706
01:03:55,560 --> 01:03:57,400
'Cause Jamie's gonna
get mad at me.
1707
01:03:57,480 --> 01:03:58,920
Wha... Easy, guy.
1708
01:03:59,000 --> 01:04:00,560
You're gonna have
plenty of time
1709
01:04:00,600 --> 01:04:02,600
for her to be mad at you
when you're married.
1710
01:04:02,640 --> 01:04:03,800
(LAUGHS)
1711
01:04:04,720 --> 01:04:06,040
I got you a wedding gift
and I want to
1712
01:04:06,080 --> 01:04:07,800
give it to you alone,
all right?
1713
01:04:07,840 --> 01:04:08,920
You got me a gift?
1714
01:04:09,000 --> 01:04:10,280
Of course I got you.
1715
01:04:10,360 --> 01:04:12,840
And I think, uh,
think you might dig it.
1716
01:04:18,080 --> 01:04:19,080
An earring.
1717
01:04:19,360 --> 01:04:21,680
Yeah, I know,
but, uh, that's an earring
1718
01:04:21,720 --> 01:04:25,200
that your mom gave me, and
I thought maybe we could
1719
01:04:25,240 --> 01:04:26,960
keep it in the family,
you know?
1720
01:04:27,040 --> 01:04:28,160
Just kind of keep it going,
1721
01:04:28,200 --> 01:04:29,600
generation to generation,
actually.
1722
01:04:29,640 --> 01:04:30,680
Oh.
1723
01:04:31,560 --> 01:04:33,680
Yeah, but I don't have
a pierced ear, Donny.
1724
01:04:34,800 --> 01:04:35,880
Yeah.
1725
01:04:37,200 --> 01:04:38,240
No.
1726
01:04:38,880 --> 01:04:40,000
Yeah.
1727
01:04:43,120 --> 01:04:44,320
All right,
fuck it, fuck it.
1728
01:04:44,400 --> 01:04:45,680
Do it, just do it.
1729
01:04:46,240 --> 01:04:47,280
It's not gonna hurt, buddy.
1730
01:04:47,320 --> 01:04:48,600
Y-You got a nice
buzz going.
1731
01:04:48,680 --> 01:04:49,960
Yeah, I got it, I got it.
1732
01:04:50,040 --> 01:04:51,280
Hang on.
1733
01:04:51,560 --> 01:04:52,800
(SIGHS)
Oh, yeah.
1734
01:04:52,880 --> 01:04:53,920
L-Liquor it up.
1735
01:04:53,960 --> 01:04:55,360
Oh, fuck!
(SQUEALS)
1736
01:04:55,400 --> 01:04:56,760
Come here. Come here.
1737
01:04:56,800 --> 01:04:57,880
(SCREAMING)
1738
01:04:57,920 --> 01:04:59,800
Hang in there! Go ahead,
just sit still, homie.
1739
01:04:59,840 --> 01:05:00,920
(SCREAMING)
1740
01:05:02,000 --> 01:05:03,800
Yeah!
(GROANS)
1741
01:05:05,080 --> 01:05:06,280
How we doing?
(GROANING)
1742
01:05:06,760 --> 01:05:07,760
Oh, God.
1743
01:05:07,800 --> 01:05:09,720
That's it.
That's the way to man up.
1744
01:05:10,240 --> 01:05:12,000
That wasn't so bad.
Let me see it.
1745
01:05:12,600 --> 01:05:14,200
Am I bleeding?
1746
01:05:16,160 --> 01:05:17,440
- I don't think so.
- No?
1747
01:05:17,880 --> 01:05:19,040
Does it look good?
1748
01:05:19,080 --> 01:05:21,960
You look like you could be playing
drums for Foreigner or some shit.
1749
01:05:22,040 --> 01:05:23,120
You look like a bad-ass.
1750
01:05:23,440 --> 01:05:24,960
- Really?
- Yeah.
1751
01:05:25,160 --> 01:05:27,040
Oh, 'cause it makes me
feel kind of...
1752
01:05:27,120 --> 01:05:28,360
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
1753
01:05:28,440 --> 01:05:29,520
...dangerous.
1754
01:05:29,600 --> 01:05:30,880
(LAUGHS)
1755
01:05:31,880 --> 01:05:33,200
There he is, man!
1756
01:05:33,280 --> 01:05:35,960
That's your personality... like
when you were seven years old,
1757
01:05:36,000 --> 01:05:39,000
me and Uncle Vanny used to
laugh our asses off from you.
1758
01:05:39,880 --> 01:05:41,680
Uncle Vanny,
that's right.
1759
01:05:42,240 --> 01:05:43,520
What happened to that guy?
1760
01:05:44,160 --> 01:05:46,080
Dude, you know
what it's time for?
1761
01:05:46,480 --> 01:05:49,200
To get you back together
with the old gang.
1762
01:05:50,600 --> 01:05:51,680
Come on.
1763
01:05:51,920 --> 01:05:53,920
I just hope the guy
will talk to me.
1764
01:05:54,360 --> 01:05:55,360
Phil!
1765
01:05:55,520 --> 01:05:57,720
Come on, you're gonna
get arrested, buddy.
1766
01:05:58,480 --> 01:06:00,520
(SOBBING)
I shouldn't be doing this.
1767
01:06:01,440 --> 01:06:03,200
No, don't stop,
don't stop.
1768
01:06:07,440 --> 01:06:08,680
(CLEARS THROAT)
1769
01:06:15,680 --> 01:06:18,440
All right, look. I came
here to tell you I'm sorry
1770
01:06:18,520 --> 01:06:21,000
about what happened
with me and your mother.
1771
01:06:21,480 --> 01:06:24,280
It was an accident, and it
will never happen again.
1772
01:06:26,200 --> 01:06:27,880
That's all I've been waiting
for all these years, man,
1773
01:06:27,920 --> 01:06:29,000
a simple apology.
1774
01:06:29,080 --> 01:06:30,280
It's water
under the bridge.
1775
01:06:30,320 --> 01:06:31,720
Don't sweat it.
Holla.
1776
01:06:33,040 --> 01:06:34,960
Wait, are you Vanilla Ice?
1777
01:06:36,120 --> 01:06:38,400
Was Uncle Vanny Vanilla
Ice this whole time?
1778
01:06:38,600 --> 01:06:39,760
Who did you
think I was?
1779
01:06:39,800 --> 01:06:41,560
I don't know,
a friend of my dad's
1780
01:06:41,600 --> 01:06:43,000
that wore a lot
of parachute pants?
1781
01:06:43,360 --> 01:06:44,680
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, man.
1782
01:06:45,120 --> 01:06:46,720
I want to be honest
with you, too.
1783
01:06:47,040 --> 01:06:49,560
I never did knock boots
with your mother.
1784
01:06:49,960 --> 01:06:51,040
- No?
- No.
1785
01:06:51,120 --> 01:06:52,720
I think she whacked me
off outside the pants.
1786
01:06:52,800 --> 01:06:53,800
(SIGHS)
No.
1787
01:06:53,840 --> 01:06:54,960
But I didn't finish.
1788
01:06:55,040 --> 01:06:56,720
Vanny, I didn't finish.
I couldn't. Yeah?
1789
01:06:57,000 --> 01:06:58,720
Oh, Mom.
Yeah.
1790
01:06:58,800 --> 01:06:59,920
You know,
she did like to fuck.
1791
01:07:00,000 --> 01:07:01,601
(LAUGHTER) That's fucking...
Look at him.
1792
01:07:01,640 --> 01:07:03,320
Back to it.
Fuck, yeah.
1793
01:07:03,560 --> 01:07:05,040
Hey, Han Solo,
you're looking great, man.
1794
01:07:05,080 --> 01:07:06,120
Oh, thank you.
1795
01:07:06,200 --> 01:07:07,360
- You lost some weight.
- Is this kid all right?
1796
01:07:07,440 --> 01:07:09,360
- You're not a little fat kid no more.
- No, no, no.
1797
01:07:09,440 --> 01:07:10,560
Remember this one?
No, no.
1798
01:07:10,640 --> 01:07:12,200
Oh, yeah, we used to do
this to you all the time.
1799
01:07:12,280 --> 01:07:14,000
Remember, back in the day?
Hey, nugget pocket.
1800
01:07:14,080 --> 01:07:15,880
- Nugget pockets.
- No, I'm not a nugget pocket.
1801
01:07:15,960 --> 01:07:17,800
- What's up, nugget pocket?
- No.
1802
01:07:17,880 --> 01:07:19,720
(LAUGHS)
No, but seriously, Iceberg,
1803
01:07:19,760 --> 01:07:21,440
me and my boy got a
little head start on you,
1804
01:07:21,520 --> 01:07:24,000
but, uh, you got any desire
to get wasted with us?
1805
01:07:24,200 --> 01:07:26,000
Ah, more than life itself.
1806
01:07:26,040 --> 01:07:28,480
In fact, I might have a little
head start on you guys.
1807
01:07:28,560 --> 01:07:30,280
(LAUGHS)
What?
1808
01:07:30,360 --> 01:07:32,000
Ah!
(INHALES)
1809
01:07:32,040 --> 01:07:33,600
Yeah.
It's so illegal.
1810
01:07:33,920 --> 01:07:35,720
I don't want to do that
in front of my kid.
1811
01:07:35,800 --> 01:07:37,200
Turn around for a minute.
Just turn around.
1812
01:07:37,280 --> 01:07:39,080
(LAUGHS)
Give me that fucking shit.
1813
01:07:39,480 --> 01:07:40,720
(INHALES)
1814
01:07:40,800 --> 01:07:41,920
What?
1815
01:07:43,320 --> 01:07:45,240
Hey, let's get
out of here.
1816
01:07:45,320 --> 01:07:46,480
I did not do that.
1817
01:07:46,840 --> 01:07:48,600
Let's go have some fun.
Hey!
1818
01:07:48,640 --> 01:07:51,000
Hey, where you think you're
going, Mr. Vanilla Ice Cream?
1819
01:07:51,040 --> 01:07:52,360
I'm going out
for the night, man.
1820
01:07:52,400 --> 01:07:53,680
Aw, hell no, man!
You know I don't know
1821
01:07:53,760 --> 01:07:55,280
how to fry
no damn chicken nuggets!
1822
01:07:55,360 --> 01:07:56,400
It's Todd Bridges.
1823
01:07:56,480 --> 01:07:58,000
Yeah, yeah,
w-watch this.
1824
01:07:58,080 --> 01:07:59,280
What you talking
'bout, Willis?
1825
01:07:59,760 --> 01:08:01,160
You come back
and say that to my face,
1826
01:08:01,240 --> 01:08:03,040
you fake white
rapping motherfucker!
1827
01:08:03,080 --> 01:08:04,400
Todd, seriously, though,
you look great.
1828
01:08:04,440 --> 01:08:06,600
How's Mr. Drummond doing, huh?
(LAUGHTER)
1829
01:08:07,080 --> 01:08:08,680
Mister...
Fuck you!
1830
01:08:08,720 --> 01:08:10,120
"Mr. Drummond.
Mister..."
1831
01:08:10,880 --> 01:08:12,720
Man, I...
What you want?
1832
01:08:12,760 --> 01:08:13,880
Bowl of chili nuggets.
1833
01:08:13,920 --> 01:08:14,920
A what?
1834
01:08:15,000 --> 01:08:16,680
You know, that shit
ain't on the menu, man!
1835
01:08:18,720 --> 01:08:20,400
Shit, it is. Damn it.
1836
01:08:21,040 --> 01:08:23,440
DONNY: Fucking skate!
Just fucking skate!
1837
01:08:24,080 --> 01:08:25,440
TODD: The Berger boys
are here!
1838
01:08:25,520 --> 01:08:27,240
DONNY: Come on, look out!
Look out, now!
1839
01:08:27,320 --> 01:08:28,320
What the fuck?
1840
01:08:28,400 --> 01:08:29,400
(DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY PLAYING)
1841
01:08:29,480 --> 01:08:30,480
♪ Have you seen her? ♪
1842
01:08:30,560 --> 01:08:32,040
♪ So fine and pretty ♪
1843
01:08:32,120 --> 01:08:34,720
Hey! Give me my hat back!
1844
01:08:34,800 --> 01:08:36,080
(LAUGHING)
1845
01:08:36,760 --> 01:08:38,760
Do it, do it!
Give it back!
1846
01:08:38,840 --> 01:08:41,640
♪ Yes, it's love ♪
♪ in the third degree ♪
1847
01:08:41,680 --> 01:08:43,440
DONNY: Hey, it's a fucking
lovely night, ain't it?
1848
01:08:43,480 --> 01:08:44,720
Oh. My God!
1849
01:08:45,080 --> 01:08:46,080
(LAUGHING)
1850
01:08:46,880 --> 01:08:48,200
You fucking assholes!
1851
01:08:48,520 --> 01:08:49,640
(GRUNTING)
1852
01:08:49,720 --> 01:08:51,600
(CLAMORING)
1853
01:08:51,680 --> 01:08:54,400
♪ Ooh, baby, baby ♪
1854
01:08:55,120 --> 01:08:56,280
Go, go!
1855
01:08:56,360 --> 01:08:57,600
(GROANS)
1856
01:09:00,000 --> 01:09:01,120
What the... Go!
1857
01:09:01,760 --> 01:09:02,920
Go, go, go!
1858
01:09:03,000 --> 01:09:04,640
What the fuck?
Get out of here!
1859
01:09:04,680 --> 01:09:05,920
(GUNSHOT)
Holy shit!
1860
01:09:09,040 --> 01:09:12,280
You know, they seem
like fun guys.
1861
01:09:13,880 --> 01:09:15,360
We're all gonna dive!
Let's go!
1862
01:09:15,440 --> 01:09:16,480
(LAUGHING)
1863
01:09:16,520 --> 01:09:17,640
MAN:
What are you doing?
1864
01:09:20,240 --> 01:09:22,200
♪ She's on fire ♪
1865
01:09:22,280 --> 01:09:24,200
♪ 'Cause dancing ♪
♪ gets her higher ♪
1866
01:09:24,280 --> 01:09:25,600
(LAUGHING)
1867
01:09:26,120 --> 01:09:27,240
Oh. My God!
1868
01:09:27,320 --> 01:09:29,440
I didn't, I didn't
spill my beer!
1869
01:09:29,520 --> 01:09:31,160
I fucking love it.
1870
01:09:31,200 --> 01:09:32,240
(CLAMORING)
1871
01:09:32,480 --> 01:09:34,200
Fuck!
You fucking hard-ons!
1872
01:09:34,240 --> 01:09:36,040
(TIRES SCREECH)
(HORN HONKS)
1873
01:09:36,080 --> 01:09:37,120
(GUNFIRE)
1874
01:09:37,200 --> 01:09:38,520
(CLAMORING)
1875
01:09:41,200 --> 01:09:42,480
(MEN SIGHING)
1876
01:09:43,280 --> 01:09:45,080
♪ 'Cause you're ♪
♪ old enough to dance ♪
1877
01:09:45,160 --> 01:09:49,000
♪ Dance the night away ♪
1878
01:09:49,080 --> 01:09:50,320
"You fucking hard-ons."
1879
01:09:50,400 --> 01:09:51,880
'Whoa!"
(LAUGHS)
1880
01:09:53,080 --> 01:09:54,880
♪ Oh, come on, baby ♪
1881
01:09:54,920 --> 01:09:56,600
♪ Dance the night away ♪
1882
01:09:56,960 --> 01:09:59,440
(MEN LAUGHING)
Fucking...
1883
01:10:00,160 --> 01:10:02,680
What are you doing?
No, no, no, no!
1884
01:10:02,760 --> 01:10:03,840
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
1885
01:10:03,920 --> 01:10:05,160
(LAUGHING)
1886
01:10:05,560 --> 01:10:07,520
You don't fucking do that,
you fucking idiot!
1887
01:10:07,600 --> 01:10:08,600
Yeah!
1888
01:10:09,560 --> 01:10:11,400
Look at this, fuck face.
Look at this.
1889
01:10:12,520 --> 01:10:13,520
What the fuck?
1890
01:10:14,320 --> 01:10:15,360
Come on.
(LAUGHS)
1891
01:10:15,440 --> 01:10:16,520
You fucking guy.
I say, take it.
1892
01:10:16,600 --> 01:10:17,600
I can't.
1893
01:10:17,640 --> 01:10:18,640
- Just go, go, go, go, go.
- No, wait, wait.
1894
01:10:18,720 --> 01:10:19,920
Wait, wait, wait.
Stop, stop, stop.
1895
01:10:20,000 --> 01:10:21,160
I changed my mind.
I'm scared.
1896
01:10:21,240 --> 01:10:22,280
I don't want to do it.
1897
01:10:22,320 --> 01:10:23,600
Oh, man.
I can't do it.
1898
01:10:24,000 --> 01:10:25,480
You're rubbing
your underwear.
1899
01:10:25,800 --> 01:10:27,760
What is that?
Why are you doing that?
1900
01:10:27,800 --> 01:10:29,800
I suppose
I'm the reason.
1901
01:10:29,880 --> 01:10:32,240
Yeah. Yeah.
Remember in first grade
1902
01:10:32,320 --> 01:10:33,840
when you were supposed
to pick me up after school,
1903
01:10:33,920 --> 01:10:35,400
you left me waiting
for five hours?
1904
01:10:35,480 --> 01:10:37,920
I had detention myself, guy.
1905
01:10:37,960 --> 01:10:39,680
What the fuck
was I supposed to do?
1906
01:10:39,800 --> 01:10:41,640
Yeah, well,
I shit in my pants.
1907
01:10:41,720 --> 01:10:42,720
All right.
1908
01:10:42,800 --> 01:10:44,461
Then I had to walk all
the way home...
1909
01:10:44,486 --> 01:10:45,064
- All right.
- Alone.
1910
01:10:45,120 --> 01:10:46,200
With shit in my pants.
1911
01:10:46,280 --> 01:10:48,960
Dude, I promise you,
I'll never forget you again.
1912
01:10:49,320 --> 01:10:50,440
I swear to God.
1913
01:10:50,800 --> 01:10:51,880
Throw the fucking
things away.
1914
01:10:51,920 --> 01:10:53,920
- Don't fuck with me.
- Throw them away.
1915
01:10:54,920 --> 01:10:58,200
(CHANTING) Throw them away
Throw them away.
1916
01:10:58,280 --> 01:11:00,200
Get rid of the fucking
underwear, you don't need that.
1917
01:11:00,280 --> 01:11:01,760
You're better than that, guy.
1918
01:11:02,000 --> 01:11:03,520
Okay, fuck it.
Okay, fuck it.
1919
01:11:03,920 --> 01:11:05,640
Squeeze it out
and fucking... Yeah.
1920
01:11:06,520 --> 01:11:08,280
(LAUGHTER)
1921
01:11:09,320 --> 01:11:10,600
You're a good kid.
1922
01:11:10,680 --> 01:11:13,000
Come on, fucking hit this thing
and let's get it rocking.
1923
01:11:13,640 --> 01:11:14,960
- All right. All right?
- Here we go.
1924
01:11:15,000 --> 01:11:16,600
- Come on. Push, push.
- I got you. Okay.
1925
01:11:16,680 --> 01:11:18,320
I'm not good at it.
All right.
1926
01:11:18,400 --> 01:11:19,640
It's balance,
it's just balance.
1927
01:11:19,720 --> 01:11:21,280
You got this, kid.
You're an athlete.
1928
01:11:21,360 --> 01:11:23,320
You got it.
No, it's in you, buddy.
1929
01:11:23,360 --> 01:11:24,400
- Straight.
- I don't know how.
1930
01:11:24,440 --> 01:11:25,640
I got you.
I ain't gonna let you fall.
1931
01:11:25,680 --> 01:11:27,360
- Don't let me go.
- I won't let you fall.
1932
01:11:27,440 --> 01:11:28,680
- Don't let go. All right,
- I'm still with you.
1933
01:11:28,720 --> 01:11:29,720
- Okay.
- I'm still with you.
1934
01:11:29,800 --> 01:11:31,920
Let's pick up some speed, though.
I'm with you, guy.
1935
01:11:32,000 --> 01:11:33,320
I'm with you.
I'm with you.
1936
01:11:33,360 --> 01:11:34,520
- I'm not letting go.
- Don't let me go.
1937
01:11:34,560 --> 01:11:36,000
I'm not letting go.
I'm with you, my boy.
1938
01:11:36,080 --> 01:11:38,120
- Wait...
- I'm with you, my boy!
1939
01:11:38,400 --> 01:11:40,840
Yeah, that's all you!
I'm doing it!
1940
01:11:41,200 --> 01:11:43,200
- Yeah! Yeah, yeah, baby!
- I'm doing it!
1941
01:11:43,600 --> 01:11:46,080
Oh! Oh, my God!
1942
01:11:46,720 --> 01:11:48,640
Oh! Oh!
1943
01:11:48,680 --> 01:11:50,000
Are you...
(COUGHS)
1944
01:11:50,040 --> 01:11:51,040
Kid, are you...
1945
01:11:51,120 --> 01:11:52,360
Are you all right, buddy?
1946
01:11:52,720 --> 01:11:53,720
Sorry.
1947
01:11:53,800 --> 01:11:55,640
- Dude, I'm trying to make love to my wife!
- Oh! What the fuck?
1948
01:11:55,720 --> 01:11:57,480
- TODD: No!
- Fucking naked people.
1949
01:11:57,560 --> 01:11:59,160
I'm gonna
fucking kill you!
1950
01:11:59,240 --> 01:12:00,560
TODD: Oh, my God,
they're chasing me!
1951
01:12:00,640 --> 01:12:01,920
What the fuck?
Get off him!
1952
01:12:02,160 --> 01:12:03,160
Go!
1953
01:12:03,240 --> 01:12:04,480
Oh, my God! Look out!
Go!
1954
01:12:04,760 --> 01:12:06,120
(SCREAMING)
1955
01:12:06,240 --> 01:12:07,360
DONNY:
Keep going, guy!
1956
01:12:07,720 --> 01:12:08,760
Donny!
1957
01:12:09,560 --> 01:12:11,080
(SCREAMING)
(LAUGHING)
1958
01:12:11,120 --> 01:12:12,360
Yeah!
You're the best.
1959
01:12:12,400 --> 01:12:13,640
- You are, Jay.
- TODD: Good luck!
1960
01:12:13,720 --> 01:12:15,160
I like your
fucking hairdo!
1961
01:12:15,200 --> 01:12:17,200
Good luck with
the taxi business!
1962
01:12:17,760 --> 01:12:19,760
- Love that guy.
- Classic. Classic.
1963
01:12:19,840 --> 01:12:21,120
(LAUGHS)
Classic.
1964
01:12:21,400 --> 01:12:22,680
It's a classic night.
1965
01:12:22,920 --> 01:12:25,560
No way!
Party's not over!
1966
01:12:25,880 --> 01:12:27,040
Come on!
1967
01:12:27,280 --> 01:12:28,440
(BOTH LAUGH)
1968
01:12:30,040 --> 01:12:31,680
Dude, Uncle Vanny's fucked up.
1969
01:12:33,840 --> 01:12:35,080
I love you, Son.
1970
01:12:39,880 --> 01:12:40,920
I do.
1971
01:12:40,960 --> 01:12:42,600
I've always
loved you, all right?
1972
01:12:43,960 --> 01:12:45,640
Sorry to spring that
on you like that.
1973
01:12:46,080 --> 01:12:47,080
It's all right.
1974
01:12:47,120 --> 01:12:49,200
It's cool, Donny.
That's nice, thank you.
1975
01:12:49,280 --> 01:12:50,800
Hansie, Hansie.
1976
01:12:51,760 --> 01:12:55,440
Why don't you not call me
Donny when no one's around.
1977
01:12:55,520 --> 01:12:56,800
You can call me Dad.
1978
01:12:57,600 --> 01:12:59,680
Uh, yeah, I know, I know.
1979
01:12:59,760 --> 01:13:00,960
It's...
1980
01:13:02,320 --> 01:13:04,480
I don't know if I'm ready
for that, Donny.
1981
01:13:04,520 --> 01:13:05,880
- You know?
- Yeah, yeah.
1982
01:13:07,880 --> 01:13:09,120
No prob.
1983
01:13:22,280 --> 01:13:23,440
Sorry.
1984
01:13:23,840 --> 01:13:25,600
Sorry if you fucking
don't like me.
1985
01:13:31,320 --> 01:13:33,240
I probably would've
fucked my teacher, too.
1986
01:13:34,400 --> 01:13:35,920
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
1987
01:13:37,200 --> 01:13:38,320
Yeah.
1988
01:13:38,920 --> 01:13:40,280
But, uh...
1989
01:13:43,240 --> 01:13:44,800
(CLEARS THROAT)
1990
01:13:48,440 --> 01:13:49,640
(SIGHS)
1991
01:13:51,080 --> 01:13:54,280
Eh, so, what time are we gonna
go to the prison tomorrow?
1992
01:13:55,560 --> 01:13:57,640
Wait, you'll go
to the prison?
1993
01:13:58,280 --> 01:13:59,600
Yeah, I'll go.
1994
01:14:01,400 --> 01:14:03,200
No. No, no, no, no, no.
1995
01:14:03,240 --> 01:14:05,760
That... That's...
They canceled that.
1996
01:14:05,840 --> 01:14:08,640
That's... I talked to
the warden, and he says
1997
01:14:08,680 --> 01:14:11,760
that your mother
was just pulling our leg.
1998
01:14:11,800 --> 01:14:13,640
She's only got
the chicken pox.
1999
01:14:14,360 --> 01:14:15,440
What?
2000
01:14:15,520 --> 01:14:16,720
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
2001
01:14:16,800 --> 01:14:18,480
She said she was
dying because
2002
01:14:18,520 --> 01:14:21,320
they give you better food if
you're wicked sick like that,
2003
01:14:21,400 --> 01:14:25,760
like Beefaroni or microwave
pizza or some shit, so...
2004
01:14:27,240 --> 01:14:28,440
That just made me hungry.
2005
01:14:29,680 --> 01:14:30,960
Well, check your pockets.
2006
01:14:34,080 --> 01:14:35,080
(CHUCKLES)
2007
01:14:35,520 --> 01:14:36,560
Oh!
2008
01:14:36,600 --> 01:14:37,680
(LAUGHS)
2009
01:14:37,760 --> 01:14:38,960
A treasure!
2010
01:14:39,440 --> 01:14:40,480
Come on, eat it.
2011
01:14:40,560 --> 01:14:42,120
Oh, no, it's nasty.
Come on, I'm telling you.
2012
01:14:42,200 --> 01:14:44,200
Fucking Todd Bridges
worked hard on that thing.
2013
01:14:44,240 --> 01:14:45,840
Yeah. You like that.
2014
01:14:46,320 --> 01:14:47,400
Pretty good.
2015
01:14:47,440 --> 01:14:48,560
Woo-hoo!
2016
01:14:48,640 --> 01:14:51,040
Look at me,
I'm a fountain! (LAUGHS)
2017
01:14:51,080 --> 01:14:52,480
Throw a penny in here!
2018
01:14:52,520 --> 01:14:54,080
Make a wish, motherfucker!
2019
01:15:05,040 --> 01:15:06,240
(SIGHS)
2020
01:15:09,880 --> 01:15:10,880
(DOOR OPENS)
2021
01:15:11,160 --> 01:15:12,920
Oh, what the fu...
2022
01:15:13,200 --> 01:15:14,560
Grandma D,
what's going on?
2023
01:15:14,600 --> 01:15:15,760
What are you doing here?
2024
01:15:16,000 --> 01:15:18,080
Well, you've had the fantasy,
2025
01:15:18,960 --> 01:15:22,120
so now it's time
that you try the real thing.
2026
01:15:23,160 --> 01:15:25,080
(CHUCKLES)
Oh!
2027
01:15:26,360 --> 01:15:28,760
No, no, no,
I can't do that.
2028
01:15:28,840 --> 01:15:29,960
I'm sorry.
2029
01:15:30,160 --> 01:15:31,720
I appreciate the offer.
2030
01:15:32,200 --> 01:15:34,120
Oh, no, no, no, don't.
2031
01:15:34,400 --> 01:15:36,880
I can't. Don't you...
I-I shouldn't.
2032
01:15:37,120 --> 01:15:38,800
(BETTE DAVIS EYES PLAYING)
2033
01:15:38,880 --> 01:15:41,160
Oh, God.
2034
01:15:41,920 --> 01:15:44,240
You got the old-timey
bathing suit on.
2035
01:15:47,160 --> 01:15:48,440
Okay, I'm in.
2036
01:15:49,520 --> 01:15:53,200
I'm going to ride you
like a Model T.
2037
01:16:00,400 --> 01:16:01,440
(WHISPERING)
Yeah.
2038
01:16:04,200 --> 01:16:05,280
Shh!
2039
01:16:09,120 --> 01:16:10,320
(SIGHS)
2040
01:16:11,440 --> 01:16:12,600
Jamie.
2041
01:16:13,760 --> 01:16:15,520
You're wearing
your dress again.
2042
01:16:17,000 --> 01:16:18,760
You look beautiful.
2043
01:16:19,760 --> 01:16:21,440
I want you so bad.
2044
01:16:22,200 --> 01:16:23,720
Be nice to me.
2045
01:16:24,200 --> 01:16:25,880
Make me feel good.
2046
01:16:26,200 --> 01:16:28,040
(GRUNTING)
2047
01:16:30,840 --> 01:16:32,680
All right, all right.
2048
01:16:33,000 --> 01:16:36,280
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
2049
01:16:36,320 --> 01:16:38,640
(GASPING)
Oh, oh, oh.
2050
01:16:40,320 --> 01:16:41,600
(SNORING)
2051
01:16:43,920 --> 01:16:45,720
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
2052
01:16:48,920 --> 01:16:50,840
JAMIE:
Oh, my God!
2053
01:16:51,360 --> 01:16:52,600
Help me!
2054
01:16:52,840 --> 01:16:54,080
(SCREAMS)
2055
01:16:54,320 --> 01:16:55,760
What happened?
Are you okay?
2056
01:16:56,160 --> 01:16:57,800
Do I sound okay?
2057
01:16:58,080 --> 01:17:00,600
You puked all over
my wedding dress!
2058
01:17:01,320 --> 01:17:03,080
Prepare to get fucked up,
motherfuckers!
2059
01:17:03,120 --> 01:17:04,360
(GROANS)
2060
01:17:04,840 --> 01:17:07,080
Sorry, I, uh,
I heard you scream.
2061
01:17:07,120 --> 01:17:09,040
I thought Jamie
was getting murdered,
2062
01:17:09,080 --> 01:17:10,960
so I was gonna fucking
smack someone around.
2063
01:17:11,400 --> 01:17:13,280
- What happened?
- Oh, I don't know!
2064
01:17:13,320 --> 01:17:15,520
I just found my wedding
dress covered in barf!
2065
01:17:16,000 --> 01:17:19,160
And something else,
something sticky.
2066
01:17:22,160 --> 01:17:23,480
(SNIFFING)
2067
01:17:37,800 --> 01:17:38,920
It's jizz.
2068
01:17:40,640 --> 01:17:43,480
You puked on my dress
and then fucked it!
2069
01:17:43,520 --> 01:17:44,880
(LAUGHS)
2070
01:17:45,440 --> 01:17:47,360
You're a madman...
2071
01:17:47,440 --> 01:17:49,160
No, no, no, no. No.
2072
01:17:49,560 --> 01:17:51,120
- Sweetheart, it wasn't my boy.
- You shut up.
2073
01:17:51,160 --> 01:17:52,240
Donny, just shut up!
2074
01:17:52,320 --> 01:17:53,640
Who wants a piece of this, huh?
(SCREAMING)
2075
01:17:53,720 --> 01:17:55,440
- Who wants a piece?
- Whoa, no, no, no!
2076
01:17:55,600 --> 01:17:56,680
It's okay, buddy.
2077
01:17:56,760 --> 01:17:58,000
Todd just
fucked the dress.
2078
01:17:58,840 --> 01:18:00,000
- It's under control.
- Oh.
2079
01:18:01,120 --> 01:18:02,840
What is Vanilla Ice
doing in our room?
2080
01:18:03,960 --> 01:18:07,240
He's, um...
My other best friend.
2081
01:18:07,600 --> 01:18:09,120
Yeah. And a wicked
good rapper.
2082
01:18:09,200 --> 01:18:10,880
Give it up for him.
Come on, now.
2083
01:18:11,440 --> 01:18:13,040
- Let's give it up.
- DONNY: My boy.
2084
01:18:13,680 --> 01:18:14,680
I don't know
what's going on here,
2085
01:18:14,760 --> 01:18:16,160
but I don't have time
to deal with this, so...
2086
01:18:16,240 --> 01:18:18,320
(CLEARS THROAT)
Okay, this is what's gonna happen.
2087
01:18:18,840 --> 01:18:20,880
I'm gonna go take a shower.
I'm gonna go to Pilates.
2088
01:18:20,960 --> 01:18:22,880
You're gonna take that
dress to the dry cleaners!
2089
01:18:22,920 --> 01:18:24,640
And then we're gonna have
rehearsal dinner tonight,
2090
01:18:24,720 --> 01:18:26,840
and you're gonna be the normal
Todd from three days ago, right?
2091
01:18:26,920 --> 01:18:28,280
- Mmm-hmm.
- And you can start by taking out
2092
01:18:28,360 --> 01:18:30,400
that stupid
Duran Duran earring!
2093
01:18:30,640 --> 01:18:32,001
I was thinking
it's more Foreigner.
2094
01:18:32,040 --> 01:18:34,400
No? No, no, Duran Duran's
a good call, though.
2095
01:18:35,800 --> 01:18:36,960
(DOOR SLAMS)
2096
01:18:37,840 --> 01:18:40,840
Uh, guess I'm gonna go finish
up with Grandma Delores.
2097
01:18:40,920 --> 01:18:42,000
- Yeah.
- Is that all right?
2098
01:18:42,040 --> 01:18:43,280
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Have fun, buddy. Have fun.
2099
01:18:43,360 --> 01:18:44,440
Not too much, though.
Don't hurt her.
2100
01:18:44,520 --> 01:18:45,800
No, no. I get it right
and keep it tight.
2101
01:18:45,840 --> 01:18:47,280
(CHUCKLES)
Okay.
2102
01:18:47,440 --> 01:18:50,400
(SIGHS) Look, I-I need
a couple hours to fix this.
2103
01:18:50,680 --> 01:18:53,960
Oh, hey, we've all been in that
situation, and you'll be fine, kid.
2104
01:18:54,320 --> 01:18:56,640
I'll whip up some pancakes for
everyone else, all right?
2105
01:18:56,720 --> 01:18:58,040
- All right.
- I love it.
2106
01:19:00,080 --> 01:19:01,760
You jizzed on a mannequin.
2107
01:19:02,160 --> 01:19:03,240
Respect it.
2108
01:19:05,200 --> 01:19:07,080
But you were only 13.
2109
01:19:07,840 --> 01:19:09,440
She took advantage of you.
2110
01:19:09,520 --> 01:19:12,240
No, all right. That's what
the law says, Su-Jin,
2111
01:19:12,320 --> 01:19:14,920
but I don't know... We were
kind of like soul mates.
2112
01:19:15,000 --> 01:19:16,400
You know, there was...
There was a connection there.
2113
01:19:16,440 --> 01:19:17,840
I never had it
with anyone else.
2114
01:19:17,880 --> 01:19:19,520
(PASSIONATE MOANING RING TONE PLAYING)
I'm getting a call.
2115
01:19:19,600 --> 01:19:20,600
I'm sorry, guys-
2116
01:19:20,640 --> 01:19:22,520
Do not touch these plates.
I'm cleaning them.
2117
01:19:22,560 --> 01:19:24,040
Okay, Su-Jin?
2118
01:19:24,680 --> 01:19:25,680
Go for Donny B.
2119
01:19:26,120 --> 01:19:27,400
TODD:
Wassup!
2120
01:19:27,960 --> 01:19:30,680
Oh, hey, big man.
What's going on?
2121
01:19:30,720 --> 01:19:31,760
How'd it go with the lady?
2122
01:19:31,800 --> 01:19:32,880
You patch things up?
2123
01:19:33,720 --> 01:19:35,360
Yeah, pretty much.
It was amazing.
2124
01:19:35,440 --> 01:19:36,960
The dry cleaner said
they've, uh,
2125
01:19:37,000 --> 01:19:39,120
definitely seen that combo
of fluid before.
2126
01:19:39,200 --> 01:19:42,040
You see? Yeah, those things go
together like gin and tonic.
2127
01:19:42,920 --> 01:19:44,720
Hey, uh, listen,
while I got you,
2128
01:19:44,800 --> 01:19:47,040
I left you a little best
man gift on your dresser.
2129
01:19:47,080 --> 01:19:48,480
I think you'll get
a kick out of it.
2130
01:19:48,640 --> 01:19:50,960
You did not. Oh, my God.
2131
01:19:51,040 --> 01:19:54,080
My whole body, like, got a
shocked feeling over that.
2132
01:19:54,160 --> 01:19:55,640
Buddy, no one gets me a gift.
2133
01:19:55,840 --> 01:19:58,080
Where are you, anyways?
Oh, I'm in the car.
2134
01:19:58,200 --> 01:19:59,720
I decided to go
see Mom after all.
2135
01:20:00,880 --> 01:20:01,920
You did what?
2136
01:20:03,480 --> 01:20:04,880
Oh, my God.
Dukes of Hazzard!
2137
01:20:06,200 --> 01:20:07,480
(GRUNTS)
2138
01:20:17,200 --> 01:20:18,840
(TIRES SQUEALING)
2139
01:20:23,560 --> 01:20:24,720
Hansie.
2140
01:20:24,800 --> 01:20:26,600
Donny, what are
you doing here?
2141
01:20:26,640 --> 01:20:28,240
We got to get
out of here now.
2142
01:20:28,520 --> 01:20:29,800
What? What are
you talking about?
2143
01:20:29,880 --> 01:20:31,360
It's your
wedding weekend, dude.
2144
01:20:31,400 --> 01:20:32,400
You come here
after the wedding.
2145
01:20:32,480 --> 01:20:33,680
You show your mother
your new ring.
2146
01:20:33,760 --> 01:20:35,040
That would make her happy.
2147
01:20:35,440 --> 01:20:37,360
Wait, are you nervous
to see her?
2148
01:20:37,480 --> 01:20:39,480
Hansie, can we just
blow this place off
2149
01:20:39,520 --> 01:20:41,160
and have a beer, please?
I'm begging you.
2150
01:20:41,200 --> 01:20:42,320
Look. Is that her?
2151
01:20:42,760 --> 01:20:44,160
(I WAS MADE FOR
LOVING YOU PLAYING)
2152
01:20:56,200 --> 01:20:58,200
♪ Mmm, yeah ♪
2153
01:21:04,200 --> 01:21:05,200
♪ !-fa ♪
2154
01:21:05,280 --> 01:21:08,520
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ♪
♪ ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
2155
01:21:08,560 --> 01:21:11,160
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ♪
♪ ooh, ooh-ooh... ♪
2156
01:21:11,680 --> 01:21:13,040
Oh, my God.
2157
01:21:14,040 --> 01:21:15,560
There you are.
2158
01:21:16,280 --> 01:21:19,080
My little Hansie,
you're all grown up.
2159
01:21:20,080 --> 01:21:21,200
Hi, Mom.
2160
01:21:21,240 --> 01:21:22,801
I didn't know
if I'd ever see you again.
2161
01:21:23,360 --> 01:21:25,000
I know. I'm sorry
I stopped visiting.
2162
01:21:25,040 --> 01:21:26,080
It just got too hard.
2163
01:21:26,160 --> 01:21:28,360
Oh, no,
I totally understand.
2164
01:21:29,440 --> 01:21:30,520
Wow.
2165
01:21:31,080 --> 01:21:32,320
You still have my eyes.
2166
01:21:32,400 --> 01:21:33,400
(CHUCKLES)
2167
01:21:33,520 --> 01:21:37,640
Is that the earring that I gave
you after the Loverboy concert?
2168
01:21:40,880 --> 01:21:42,400
Yes, it is, Miss McGarricle.
2169
01:21:42,960 --> 01:21:45,960
You know, I think
about you every day.
2170
01:21:46,000 --> 01:21:49,000
Fuck, I love you so much, Miss McGarricle.
I never stopped.
2171
01:21:49,720 --> 01:21:51,360
Oh... Oh,
I love you, too.
2172
01:21:53,000 --> 01:21:54,160
Do you remember...
2173
01:21:54,720 --> 01:21:55,840
Oh, God, here we go.
2174
01:21:56,200 --> 01:22:00,240
...all the nasty things
that I taught you, Donny?
2175
01:22:01,880 --> 01:22:04,320
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course
I do, Miss McGarricle.
2176
01:22:04,720 --> 01:22:06,840
Are you still my dirty boy?
2177
01:22:08,320 --> 01:22:12,280
Yeah, I'm the dirtiest boy you'll
ever know, Miss McGarricle.
2178
01:22:13,000 --> 01:22:14,160
Donny.
2179
01:22:16,000 --> 01:22:17,120
Oh, fuck, yeah.
2180
01:22:20,520 --> 01:22:22,160
Mmm. Oh.
2181
01:22:22,680 --> 01:22:23,760
Uh-huh.
2182
01:22:23,840 --> 01:22:26,440
I'm hard right now.
I'm hard.
2183
01:22:26,880 --> 01:22:29,160
Okay. Yeah,
I'm hating that, so...
2184
01:22:30,000 --> 01:22:32,720
But it is really good
to see you, Mom. I...
2185
01:22:32,800 --> 01:22:34,040
It's good
to see you, too, baby.
2186
01:22:34,720 --> 01:22:37,080
Can you describe what you're
feeling right now, Han?
2187
01:22:37,880 --> 01:22:39,480
TV's Randall Morgan?
2188
01:22:40,240 --> 01:22:41,480
What are you doing here?
2189
01:22:41,760 --> 01:22:44,800
Must be quite emotional
for you to be face-to-face
2190
01:22:44,880 --> 01:22:47,320
with the woman who molested
your father, isn't it?
2191
01:22:47,600 --> 01:22:50,000
- What is going on right now?
- Who is this dude?
2192
01:22:50,080 --> 01:22:52,000
Listen, before you
get mad at me...
2193
01:22:52,080 --> 01:22:53,520
This is why
you came to see me?
2194
01:22:53,920 --> 01:22:55,760
For some reality TV ambush?
2195
01:22:55,800 --> 01:22:56,176
No.
2196
01:22:56,201 --> 01:22:57,704
How much they
paying you, Donny?
2197
01:22:57,760 --> 01:22:59,400
Nothing, I swear to God.
I'm not getting...
2198
01:22:59,440 --> 01:23:03,000
$50,000 to deliver you
to this prison.
2199
01:23:03,200 --> 01:23:05,760
All right, it was 50 grand,
but I'm not... I'm not...
2200
01:23:05,800 --> 01:23:07,400
I'm not going to do it.
I swear to God.
2201
01:23:07,440 --> 01:23:09,080
I'm not... I would
never take his money.
2202
01:23:09,160 --> 01:23:10,440
Donny Berger,
what have you done?
2203
01:23:10,480 --> 01:23:12,200
Hansie, dude, it's me.
2204
01:23:12,240 --> 01:23:13,520
It's the guy from last night.
2205
01:23:13,600 --> 01:23:14,961
We had fun.
Don't... Don't fuck it.
2206
01:23:15,000 --> 01:23:16,081
I'm telling you, this is...
2207
01:23:16,160 --> 01:23:17,560
This is something
that can be fixed.
2208
01:23:17,600 --> 01:23:19,120
- You're unreal.
- Hansie.
2209
01:23:19,920 --> 01:23:20,920
What...
2210
01:23:21,000 --> 01:23:23,520
You go after him, Donny,
and you take care of our son.
2211
01:23:23,920 --> 01:23:24,920
Hansie.
(RANDALL LAUGHING)
2212
01:23:25,000 --> 01:23:26,720
Come on,
he is pissed. Fuck!
2213
01:23:27,000 --> 01:23:29,320
- Take care of our baby, Donny!
- DONNY: Hansie!
2214
01:23:29,520 --> 01:23:31,600
Hansie, please,
let me explain to you...
2215
01:23:31,680 --> 01:23:33,160
I can't believe I let you
back into my life again.
2216
01:23:33,240 --> 01:23:35,360
Guy, guy, just come on.
Listen to me.
2217
01:23:36,000 --> 01:23:37,880
I owe the IRS
a lot of money.
2218
01:23:37,960 --> 01:23:38,960
Of course you do.
2219
01:23:39,040 --> 01:23:40,160
I know, I know.
I'm a fuck-up.
2220
01:23:40,200 --> 01:23:43,400
But if I don't give them 43 G's
by Tuesday, I'm going to prison.
2221
01:23:43,800 --> 01:23:45,560
Wait, so you're telling me,
2222
01:23:45,600 --> 01:23:48,040
if I give you 43 grand,
you don't have to go to jail?
2223
01:23:49,120 --> 01:23:51,120
I will pay you back,
I swear to God.
2224
01:23:51,160 --> 01:23:52,640
Would you...
Would you loan me the money?
2225
01:23:52,760 --> 01:23:54,240
No! Fuck you!
2226
01:23:54,440 --> 01:23:55,960
Get your shit out of
my boss's house! Okay!
2227
01:23:56,080 --> 01:23:58,840
(TASER ZAPPING)
No! Don't do that.
2228
01:23:58,920 --> 01:24:00,720
That's my boy there.
2229
01:24:01,680 --> 01:24:02,680
(FARTING)
2230
01:24:02,760 --> 01:24:04,240
Oh... Oh, no.
2231
01:24:04,320 --> 01:24:05,960
I think he just
shit his pants.
2232
01:24:06,000 --> 01:24:07,800
Tell me you
got that on camera.
2233
01:24:07,880 --> 01:24:09,920
You made me throw out
my extra underwear!
2234
01:24:09,960 --> 01:24:13,040
I'm sorry. I didn't know you were
going to shit yourself again.
2235
01:24:13,360 --> 01:24:14,840
That was awesome.
2236
01:24:14,880 --> 01:24:16,240
(LAUGHING)
That was awesome.
2237
01:24:16,600 --> 01:24:18,600
Donny, couldn't have gone
any better. Loved it.
2238
01:24:18,840 --> 01:24:20,600
You know what I need
from you, Todd, is I need you
2239
01:24:20,640 --> 01:24:22,920
- to sign the release form right...
- Fuck you!
2240
01:24:23,800 --> 01:24:24,840
Get away from me!
2241
01:24:24,920 --> 01:24:26,200
Get those cameras off me!
2242
01:24:28,240 --> 01:24:30,920
I hate you... Dad.
2243
01:24:34,880 --> 01:24:36,120
DONNY:
Hansie!
2244
01:24:37,000 --> 01:24:40,160
I can't pay you a dime
unless I got a release form.
2245
01:24:40,920 --> 01:24:42,000
Fuck.
2246
01:24:42,400 --> 01:24:43,960
Did I get any shit on me?
2247
01:24:46,480 --> 01:24:48,200
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
2248
01:24:48,600 --> 01:24:50,360
(UNSATISFIED PLAYING)
2249
01:25:12,840 --> 01:25:13,840
Let me off here.
Let me off.
2250
01:25:13,920 --> 01:25:15,320
Let me get off.
I'll fucking run up.
2251
01:25:15,880 --> 01:25:17,040
Keep it running.
2252
01:25:17,120 --> 01:25:18,480
I got to pick my shit up.
2253
01:25:20,000 --> 01:25:22,520
♪ Look me in the eye ♪
2254
01:25:22,600 --> 01:25:26,480
♪ Then tell me ♪
♪ that I'm satisfied ♪
2255
01:25:30,480 --> 01:25:35,280
♪ Was you satisfied? ♪
2256
01:25:36,080 --> 01:25:38,480
♪ Look me in the eye... ♪
(LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE)
2257
01:25:39,160 --> 01:25:40,480
JAMIE: Oh,
you're so adorable.
2258
01:25:41,640 --> 01:25:42,920
No, I know,
but I told you
2259
01:25:42,960 --> 01:25:44,080
not to call me
on this line.
2260
01:25:44,120 --> 01:25:45,320
What if Todd picks up?
2261
01:25:47,480 --> 01:25:50,120
No, no, no, I...
I want to.
2262
01:25:51,960 --> 01:25:53,120
No, Steve.
2263
01:25:53,360 --> 01:25:54,600
Todd doesn't
know anything.
2264
01:25:55,080 --> 01:25:57,320
I don't care if he finds
out after the wedding.
2265
01:25:57,680 --> 01:25:59,521
There's nothing he can do
about it then anyway.
2266
01:26:00,200 --> 01:26:01,640
Oh, you're so sweet.
2267
01:26:01,960 --> 01:26:03,320
Steve, huh?
2268
01:26:04,680 --> 01:26:07,840
Well, Steve Spirou,
I'm going to fuck you up.
2269
01:26:08,680 --> 01:26:11,560
I'm going to fuck you up!
2270
01:26:14,440 --> 01:26:16,600
STEVE: Well,
I got some great news.
2271
01:26:16,720 --> 01:26:18,920
I've made my decision
on who my new partner is.
2272
01:26:21,360 --> 01:26:22,480
Phil!
(GASPS)
2273
01:26:22,760 --> 01:26:24,200
Phil, I knew
you could do it.
2274
01:26:24,280 --> 01:26:26,000
STEVE: (LAUGHING)
Look at Phil's face.
2275
01:26:26,320 --> 01:26:28,760
I'm just busting
your balls, Phil.
2276
01:26:28,800 --> 01:26:30,080
No, I'd never pick you.
2277
01:26:30,560 --> 01:26:31,760
Oh, no.
2278
01:26:31,880 --> 01:26:34,160
It's you, Todd. Partners.
2279
01:26:34,640 --> 01:26:35,640
(GASPING)
2280
01:26:35,720 --> 01:26:36,840
- Oh.
- Partner.
2281
01:26:36,880 --> 01:26:37,880
Oh, my gosh.
2282
01:26:37,960 --> 01:26:38,960
It's going to be
a lot more hours
2283
01:26:39,040 --> 01:26:40,280
and a lot more
responsibility.
2284
01:26:40,320 --> 01:26:41,320
You know that, right?
2285
01:26:41,600 --> 01:26:43,960
And... a lot more money!
2286
01:26:44,040 --> 01:26:45,360
(LAUGHING)
2287
01:26:46,560 --> 01:26:47,640
STEVE:
Oh!
2288
01:26:47,680 --> 01:26:49,680
Somebody's going shopping!
Yeah!
2289
01:26:50,520 --> 01:26:51,600
(STEVE SIGHS)
2290
01:26:51,680 --> 01:26:52,760
I thought he left.
2291
01:26:52,840 --> 01:26:54,560
Yeah, that's what
you wish, Steve.
2292
01:26:54,600 --> 01:26:56,320
I need to talk
to you, homeboy. Yeah.
2293
01:26:57,000 --> 01:26:58,040
Hey, Jamie.
2294
01:26:58,400 --> 01:26:59,480
Listen. Listen.
2295
01:26:59,560 --> 01:27:02,400
Dude, this is not about
you and me, all right?
2296
01:27:02,960 --> 01:27:04,440
You're not marrying
the right girl.
2297
01:27:04,520 --> 01:27:05,800
She is cheating on you.
2298
01:27:06,200 --> 01:27:07,360
You are unbelievable.
2299
01:27:07,680 --> 01:27:08,680
Can't you just let it go?
2300
01:27:08,760 --> 01:27:10,080
This is my last chance
to be normal.
2301
01:27:10,120 --> 01:27:11,481
Are you determined
to ruin my life?
2302
01:27:12,080 --> 01:27:13,880
Honey, what's going on?
Nothing.
2303
01:27:13,920 --> 01:27:16,480
Don't "honey" him, you
little snake in the grass.
2304
01:27:16,680 --> 01:27:17,840
I heard your phone call.
2305
01:27:17,920 --> 01:27:21,160
"Oh, Steve, why'd you
call on this line?"
2306
01:27:21,240 --> 01:27:22,640
"Todd could have picked up."
2307
01:27:22,880 --> 01:27:23,920
That's right, sonny boy.
2308
01:27:24,000 --> 01:27:26,000
Your wife-to-be's
fucking your boss.
2309
01:27:26,240 --> 01:27:27,400
Right there.
2310
01:27:27,680 --> 01:27:28,760
Fuck you, buddy.
2311
01:27:28,960 --> 01:27:30,840
You are an idiot!
2312
01:27:30,920 --> 01:27:32,040
Is that right, sweetheart?
2313
01:27:32,120 --> 01:27:33,600
Yes, it is.
Yeah, yeah. Why?
2314
01:27:33,680 --> 01:27:36,040
I was on the phone with Steve.
Aha!
2315
01:27:36,240 --> 01:27:40,360
Steve Goldstein, the Boston
Herald wedding reporter.
2316
01:27:40,640 --> 01:27:41,800
Yeah, he's doing
a piece on the most
2317
01:27:41,840 --> 01:27:43,440
beautiful places
to get married,
2318
01:27:43,720 --> 01:27:44,840
and I didn't
want Todd to know
2319
01:27:44,880 --> 01:27:46,320
because he doesn't like
being in the paper.
2320
01:27:46,440 --> 01:27:49,480
So, I am sorry that I wanted
everyone in the world
2321
01:27:49,520 --> 01:27:51,600
to know I married
the perfect guy.
2322
01:27:51,680 --> 01:27:53,840
Honey, do you think
you can forgive me
2323
01:27:53,880 --> 01:27:55,920
for keeping
such a big secret from you?
2324
01:27:58,240 --> 01:28:01,680
Okay, uh, due to this
newfound evidence,
2325
01:28:02,680 --> 01:28:05,640
the conclusion might be
that I'm an asshole.
2326
01:28:06,720 --> 01:28:07,800
Bye.
2327
01:28:09,840 --> 01:28:10,960
Fine.
2328
01:28:11,640 --> 01:28:12,840
Have a good wedding.
2329
01:28:14,800 --> 01:28:15,880
I'll leave with pride.
2330
01:28:16,880 --> 01:28:18,040
I'm a good person.
2331
01:28:20,440 --> 01:28:22,600
Bye! I'll see you tomorrow!
2332
01:28:22,840 --> 01:28:23,880
(HOLLERING)
2333
01:28:26,360 --> 01:28:27,400
(JAMIE SIGHS)
2334
01:28:27,480 --> 01:28:29,480
TODD: Wow, what
a stressful day, huh?
2335
01:28:29,520 --> 01:28:31,240
- Can't wait to get back to the beach house.
- Oh, thank you.
2336
01:28:31,320 --> 01:28:33,360
Bye. Just the two
of us, you know?
2337
01:28:33,400 --> 01:28:35,920
Oh, no, honey. I'm staying in
the city tonight, remember?
2338
01:28:35,960 --> 01:28:37,800
- What? No.
- Yeah, the bride and groom,
2339
01:28:37,840 --> 01:28:39,600
they're supposed to sleep separate
night before the wedding.
2340
01:28:40,040 --> 01:28:41,200
So see you
tomorrow, big guy.
2341
01:28:41,360 --> 01:28:43,360
I'm going to drop Jamie
at the Fairmont Copley.
2342
01:28:43,400 --> 01:28:45,400
Mom and Dad, you guys
got the hedgehog. Okay!
2343
01:28:45,800 --> 01:28:46,840
- Love you.
- CHAD: Watch the door.
2344
01:28:46,920 --> 01:28:48,680
- Love you. Ow. Okay.
- Sleep well.
2345
01:28:48,960 --> 01:28:50,720
Wait, but don't they
not have a car?
2346
01:28:54,440 --> 01:28:55,760
(EXHALING SHARPLY)
2347
01:28:56,520 --> 01:28:57,520
All right, Donny, go.
2348
01:28:57,600 --> 01:28:58,720
There's your chance. Go.
2349
01:28:58,960 --> 01:29:00,640
I ain't got
no more chances, buddy.
2350
01:29:00,680 --> 01:29:02,280
The kid hates my guts.
2351
01:29:02,680 --> 01:29:04,241
Right? 'Cause you guys
don't have a car.
2352
01:29:04,320 --> 01:29:05,880
I'm not talking
about him, Donny.
2353
01:29:06,520 --> 01:29:08,200
Wake up, man.
What?
2354
01:29:08,560 --> 01:29:10,760
Jamie's the gatekeeper
for your son.
2355
01:29:10,960 --> 01:29:14,400
Yeah? Win her over, then
she'll convince Han
2356
01:29:14,720 --> 01:29:16,760
to give you another chance.
Boom!
2357
01:29:17,600 --> 01:29:19,960
How am I ever going
to get her trust?
2358
01:29:20,000 --> 01:29:21,160
She freaking hates me.
2359
01:29:21,640 --> 01:29:23,720
Donny, you want to know
what all women love?
2360
01:29:25,120 --> 01:29:26,480
Ice cream.
2361
01:29:28,240 --> 01:29:29,360
(ICE CREAM MAN PLAYING)
2362
01:29:29,400 --> 01:29:31,480
♪ Dedicate one to the ladies ♪
2363
01:29:31,680 --> 01:29:33,040
♪ Now, summertime's ♪
♪ here, babe ♪
2364
01:29:33,080 --> 01:29:34,920
♪ Need something ♪
♪ to keep you cool... ♪
2365
01:29:35,560 --> 01:29:37,480
Hi. I'm Todd Peterson.
2366
01:29:38,000 --> 01:29:39,880
No, you're not.
You're Donny Berger.
2367
01:29:39,920 --> 01:29:41,840
You fucked your teacher
in the seventh grade.
2368
01:29:42,200 --> 01:29:44,400
♪ Better look out ♪
♪ now, though ♪
2369
01:29:44,480 --> 01:29:45,920
♪ Dave's got something ♪
♪ for you... ♪
2370
01:29:45,960 --> 01:29:47,040
Hi. I'm Todd Peterson.
2371
01:29:47,120 --> 01:29:48,760
Hi, Mr. Peterson.
What can I do for you?
2372
01:29:49,040 --> 01:29:50,840
What room was
my fiancee in again?
2373
01:29:51,320 --> 01:29:53,440
Let me check. 641.
2374
01:29:53,920 --> 01:29:55,000
You're a fucking stud.
2375
01:29:55,040 --> 01:29:56,880
♪ Stop me when ♪
♪ I'm passing by... ♪
2376
01:29:56,960 --> 01:29:58,760
Hey, when the legendary
Donny Berger comes in here
2377
01:29:58,840 --> 01:30:00,880
using a fake name,
you go with it!
2378
01:30:00,960 --> 01:30:02,200
All right, I will.
2379
01:30:02,800 --> 01:30:03,880
♪ Hold on a second, baby ♪
2380
01:30:04,440 --> 01:30:07,440
♪ I got good lemonade, ♪
♪ ah, Dixie cups ♪
2381
01:30:07,680 --> 01:30:10,320
641. 641.
2382
01:30:10,360 --> 01:30:12,520
All right, come on, sweetheart.
(THUD)
2383
01:30:12,560 --> 01:30:14,440
JAMIE:
Oh, yeah!
2384
01:30:14,920 --> 01:30:16,520
Oh! Oh!
2385
01:30:16,880 --> 01:30:18,001
What, did Todd
come out here?
2386
01:30:18,040 --> 01:30:19,680
You're half
the size of Todd,
2387
01:30:19,760 --> 01:30:22,440
but you use it
so much better!
2388
01:30:22,600 --> 01:30:23,600
I guess not.
2389
01:30:23,640 --> 01:30:25,800
Oh! Oh, my God!
2390
01:30:25,840 --> 01:30:27,040
Oh, my God.
2391
01:30:27,400 --> 01:30:28,760
Oh. My God!
2392
01:30:28,840 --> 01:30:29,840
Oh, my God.
2393
01:30:30,840 --> 01:30:32,920
Oh, fucking shit!
2394
01:30:33,400 --> 01:30:34,640
Fucking shit.
2395
01:30:34,680 --> 01:30:35,800
Fucking shit!
2396
01:30:35,880 --> 01:30:36,880
Fucking shit.
2397
01:30:38,680 --> 01:30:40,080
Yeah. Okay.
2398
01:30:40,520 --> 01:30:42,560
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
(HORNS HONKING)
2399
01:30:57,600 --> 01:30:58,600
(CAP CLINKING)
2400
01:31:04,320 --> 01:31:05,560
(GRUNTS)
Okay.
2401
01:31:06,760 --> 01:31:08,200
(JAMIE SQUEALING)
2402
01:31:08,880 --> 01:31:10,840
Yeah!
(LAUGHS)
2403
01:31:11,440 --> 01:31:13,440
You do not deserve
these treats.
2404
01:31:13,480 --> 01:31:15,320
(MOANING)
2405
01:31:15,800 --> 01:31:17,040
Are you finished,
sweetheart?
2406
01:31:17,120 --> 01:31:18,760
(SCREAMS)
Oh, my God.
2407
01:31:19,120 --> 01:31:20,480
(CHUCKLES)
2408
01:31:20,760 --> 01:31:22,400
Your fiance's at home,
you know.
2409
01:31:22,920 --> 01:31:24,440
This really gets me upset.
2410
01:31:24,680 --> 01:31:25,800
You know why?
2411
01:31:26,080 --> 01:31:27,440
'Cause he's too good for you.
2412
01:31:28,160 --> 01:31:29,360
He is.
2413
01:31:29,960 --> 01:31:32,400
And you're sitting here
gallivanting with...
2414
01:31:33,000 --> 01:31:34,600
I think I know who.
2415
01:31:35,240 --> 01:31:36,280
Don't I,
2416
01:31:36,360 --> 01:31:38,640
Mr. Steve Goldstein?
2417
01:31:44,000 --> 01:31:46,160
Wait. Are you...
2418
01:31:47,200 --> 01:31:48,360
What am I seeing?
2419
01:31:48,800 --> 01:31:50,600
No... It, uh...
Uh...
2420
01:31:51,840 --> 01:31:52,960
With each other?
2421
01:31:54,240 --> 01:31:56,000
Am I... This is...
2422
01:31:56,760 --> 01:31:57,800
(GRUNTS)
2423
01:31:59,160 --> 01:32:01,960
Is he your
stepbrother at least
2424
01:32:02,000 --> 01:32:04,240
or, uh, adopted
or something?
2425
01:32:05,560 --> 01:32:06,560
No reply-
2426
01:32:06,800 --> 01:32:07,800
So it's real.
2427
01:32:07,880 --> 01:32:09,240
Oh, my God.
(GAGS)
2428
01:32:09,280 --> 01:32:10,720
Uh, Donny, Donny,
you don't...
2429
01:32:10,800 --> 01:32:12,000
You don't understand
what's going on here.
2430
01:32:12,040 --> 01:32:15,200
I don't think Charlie Sheen would
understand what's going on here.
2431
01:32:15,880 --> 01:32:19,640
Look, I love Todd, and we're
going to get married,
2432
01:32:19,680 --> 01:32:21,481
and we're going to have
a great life together.
2433
01:32:21,600 --> 01:32:25,320
And yes, I've had sex
with Chad from time to time.
2434
01:32:25,360 --> 01:32:26,360
(GAGGING)
2435
01:32:26,840 --> 01:32:27,960
It's what
good-looking people do.
2436
01:32:28,000 --> 01:32:30,160
They have sex with
other good-looking people.
2437
01:32:30,480 --> 01:32:32,880
You know? Just so happens
that this one particular
2438
01:32:32,960 --> 01:32:35,600
good-looking person
is my little brother.
2439
01:32:35,800 --> 01:32:37,160
Oh, okay.
2440
01:32:37,760 --> 01:32:39,040
It's all making sense
to me now.
2441
01:32:40,880 --> 01:32:41,960
(RETCHES)
2442
01:32:42,040 --> 01:32:45,040
I know that sounded bad, but, Donny,
this was going to be the last time.
2443
01:32:45,360 --> 01:32:47,600
I would never carry on
with a married woman.
2444
01:32:47,840 --> 01:32:49,960
I've got better morals
than that, Donny.
2445
01:32:51,760 --> 01:32:54,800
Chad, adultery is bad...
2446
01:32:55,120 --> 01:32:56,320
Mmm-hmm.
2447
01:32:56,720 --> 01:33:00,360
...but incest is fucked up!
2448
01:33:01,120 --> 01:33:04,280
Oh... Oh, please
don't let him tell Mommy
2449
01:33:04,360 --> 01:33:05,560
about our secret
tickle time.
2450
01:33:05,760 --> 01:33:07,600
Secret tickle time?
2451
01:33:07,640 --> 01:33:09,520
You got a name for it?
2452
01:33:09,800 --> 01:33:11,000
(GAGS)
2453
01:33:11,360 --> 01:33:15,200
And with a United States
military man, no less.
2454
01:33:15,520 --> 01:33:18,040
You are a disgrace
to that uniform!
2455
01:33:18,120 --> 01:33:19,280
No, he's not a Marine.
2456
01:33:19,640 --> 01:33:21,000
He buys those
uniforms on eBay
2457
01:33:21,040 --> 01:33:23,600
so Dad doesn't find out
he's a modern jazz dancer.
2458
01:33:23,880 --> 01:33:25,000
What?
2459
01:33:25,080 --> 01:33:27,600
That's possibly worse
than the incest thing.
2460
01:33:28,080 --> 01:33:30,560
This is an abomination.
I'm telling Todd.
2461
01:33:30,600 --> 01:33:32,920
- No, he won't believe you.
- Yeah, he will.
2462
01:33:33,160 --> 01:33:36,160
No, he bought
that Steve Goldstein story.
2463
01:33:36,520 --> 01:33:37,560
Come on, you think he got
2464
01:33:37,640 --> 01:33:39,000
that partnership on his own?
2465
01:33:39,520 --> 01:33:40,800
With that
"beep boop beep" shit?
2466
01:33:40,840 --> 01:33:41,840
No, I gave him a boost.
2467
01:33:42,720 --> 01:33:44,600
How many people
have you fucked?
2468
01:33:45,360 --> 01:33:46,360
Well, maybe...
2469
01:33:46,440 --> 01:33:47,480
he'll believe this.
2470
01:33:48,240 --> 01:33:49,240
(CAMERA CLICKS)
2471
01:33:50,840 --> 01:33:52,720
Nice. Save.
2472
01:33:52,960 --> 01:33:53,960
(GASPS)
2473
01:33:54,680 --> 01:33:55,720
You two have fun together.
2474
01:33:56,840 --> 01:33:57,920
Sickies.
2475
01:33:58,080 --> 01:33:59,280
JAMIE:
All right, how much?
2476
01:34:00,160 --> 01:34:01,280
I'm going to be
a very rich woman.
2477
01:34:01,360 --> 01:34:02,640
I can write you
a big fat check.
2478
01:34:03,280 --> 01:34:05,000
What's it going to take
for this to go away?
2479
01:34:05,600 --> 01:34:09,040
Todd has to pop a Xanax
when he loses a contact lens.
2480
01:34:10,040 --> 01:34:12,560
What do you think he's going to
do when he finds out about this?
2481
01:34:13,160 --> 01:34:14,360
Todd's happy.
2482
01:34:14,920 --> 01:34:16,800
You really want
to take that away?
2483
01:34:19,680 --> 01:34:20,800
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
2484
01:34:20,840 --> 01:34:21,840
(LAUGHTER)
2485
01:34:34,600 --> 01:34:35,760
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
2486
01:34:37,080 --> 01:34:38,200
Hey, buddy.
2487
01:34:39,600 --> 01:34:41,640
I got something
to tell you, and...
2488
01:34:43,160 --> 01:34:45,240
I'm not expecting you
to believe this, but...
2489
01:34:47,600 --> 01:34:48,800
I got the money.
2490
01:34:49,320 --> 01:34:50,800
JIM: (OVER PHONE)
That's great, Donny.
2491
01:34:50,840 --> 01:34:52,441
Your son came through
for you, didn't he?
2492
01:34:53,000 --> 01:34:56,560
Yeah. His fiancee
gave me $50,000
2493
01:34:56,600 --> 01:34:59,920
to keep quiet about her
having sex with her brother.
2494
01:35:00,160 --> 01:35:01,480
Yeah, I've been there.
2495
01:35:01,960 --> 01:35:03,200
We've all been there.
2496
01:35:04,120 --> 01:35:06,120
She said it was
her last time, so...
2497
01:35:06,760 --> 01:35:08,560
Oh. Maybe things
will work out.
2498
01:35:09,400 --> 01:35:11,360
Then how come I feel
like shit right now?
2499
01:35:12,280 --> 01:35:13,920
Yeah, it's kind of
a moral thicket.
2500
01:35:14,440 --> 01:35:15,480
But the good news is,
2501
01:35:15,520 --> 01:35:17,640
you stay out of the slammer,
right, Donny?
2502
01:35:19,720 --> 01:35:20,920
Donny?
2503
01:35:32,960 --> 01:35:34,280
"Go do something."
2504
01:35:36,200 --> 01:35:37,240
I don't know, Mr. Mitty.
2505
01:35:37,320 --> 01:35:39,440
I don't know
if I can fucking handle it.
2506
01:35:41,400 --> 01:35:43,120
"Be a good person."
2507
01:35:45,720 --> 01:35:46,840
JIM: (OVER PHON)
Donny?
2508
01:35:54,320 --> 01:35:55,720
Oh, no, no, don't hit me.
No, no.
2509
01:35:55,760 --> 01:35:57,200
Just give me a moment,
please, Todd.
2510
01:35:57,280 --> 01:35:58,560
Just a moment. Relax.
2511
01:35:59,160 --> 01:36:01,200
You know, after praying
with the monsignor,
2512
01:36:01,680 --> 01:36:03,440
I realize that
I committed the sin
2513
01:36:03,520 --> 01:36:05,960
of prideful anger
in the church,
2514
01:36:06,640 --> 01:36:08,920
and I hope that you'll
accept my apology
2515
01:36:09,360 --> 01:36:11,280
and allow me the honor
2516
01:36:11,320 --> 01:36:13,080
of being a part
of this joyous day.
2517
01:36:13,640 --> 01:36:15,400
Oh, well,
what about Father Shakalu?
2518
01:36:17,000 --> 01:36:18,360
Oh, stupid bird.
2519
01:36:18,440 --> 01:36:19,600
Come on, fly!
2520
01:36:20,480 --> 01:36:22,480
Oh, well, uh, he's cool.
2521
01:36:23,440 --> 01:36:24,760
Great. Sounds good.
2522
01:36:25,080 --> 01:36:26,120
Oh, oh...
2523
01:36:26,400 --> 01:36:27,720
By the way, Todd, uh
2524
01:36:28,680 --> 01:36:30,680
was it you that hit me
in the head with the bottle?
2525
01:36:31,320 --> 01:36:32,800
Oh. No.
2526
01:36:33,520 --> 01:36:35,280
Well, then, um, who, then?
2527
01:36:37,080 --> 01:36:38,240
It was Chad.
2528
01:36:38,800 --> 01:36:39,840
Interesting.
2529
01:36:41,240 --> 01:36:42,840
Two, three, four.
2530
01:36:43,000 --> 01:36:44,240
Fosse, and Fosse,
2531
01:36:44,680 --> 01:36:45,880
- and Fosse.
- Interesting.
2532
01:36:48,280 --> 01:36:50,240
Yo! Donny Berger!
All right!
2533
01:36:50,280 --> 01:36:51,601
I'd sign something
for you, buddy,
2534
01:36:51,680 --> 01:36:53,080
but I got no time right now.
2535
01:36:53,680 --> 01:36:54,720
Ice!
2536
01:36:54,960 --> 01:36:56,560
Ice, you in there, buddy?
I need you!
2537
01:36:58,440 --> 01:36:59,800
You still got the 5.0?
2538
01:37:01,840 --> 01:37:04,120
What does that mean? Is that ayes or no?
I don't understand the pose.
2539
01:37:04,160 --> 01:37:05,400
Yeah?
2540
01:37:05,440 --> 01:37:06,440
Let's go, let's go!
2541
01:37:07,320 --> 01:37:08,920
(ENGINE REVVING)
2542
01:37:09,360 --> 01:37:10,640
(TIRES SCREECHING)
2543
01:37:10,720 --> 01:37:13,400
(EVERYTHING LOUDER THAN
EVERYTHING ELSE PLAYING)
2544
01:37:14,800 --> 01:37:16,000
(HORN BLARING)
2545
01:37:17,200 --> 01:37:18,440
Go. Baby, go!
2546
01:37:18,760 --> 01:37:21,760
♪ I know that I will never ♪
♪ be politically correct ♪
2547
01:37:25,160 --> 01:37:28,600
♪ And I don't give a damn ♪
♪ about my lack of etiquette ♪
2548
01:37:31,520 --> 01:37:34,760
♪ As far as I'm concerned, ♪
♪ the world could still be flat ♪
2549
01:37:37,600 --> 01:37:39,360
♪ And if the thrill is gone ♪
2550
01:37:39,400 --> 01:37:40,920
♪ Then it's time ♪
♪ to take it back ♪
2551
01:37:40,960 --> 01:37:42,520
♪ If the thrill is gone ♪
2552
01:37:42,600 --> 01:37:44,200
♪ Then it's time ♪
♪ to take it back ♪
2553
01:37:47,000 --> 01:37:49,960
♪ Who am I? Why am I here? ♪
2554
01:37:52,160 --> 01:37:53,960
Oh, no!
(TRUCK HORN BLARING)
2555
01:37:54,200 --> 01:37:55,480
(BOTH SHOUTING)
2556
01:37:56,600 --> 01:37:57,840
(DONNY LAUGHS)
2557
01:37:59,280 --> 01:38:00,920
♪ What's the meaning of life? ♪
2558
01:38:01,000 --> 01:38:02,640
♪ What's the meaning ♪
♪ of it all? ♪
2559
01:38:06,200 --> 01:38:09,360
♪ You got to learn to dance ♪
♪ before you learn to crawl ♪
2560
01:38:09,440 --> 01:38:12,160
♪ You got to learn to dance ♪
♪ before you learn to crawl ♪
2561
01:38:16,680 --> 01:38:18,360
(TIRES SCREECHING)
2562
01:38:18,920 --> 01:38:21,280
Look at this fucking guy!
(HORN BLARING)
2563
01:38:22,080 --> 01:38:23,120
Oh, man!
2564
01:38:24,520 --> 01:38:26,040
♪ Don't worry ♪
♪ about the future ♪
2565
01:38:26,120 --> 01:38:27,480
♪ Sooner or later, ♪
♪ it's the past ♪
2566
01:38:27,520 --> 01:38:29,080
♪ If they say ♪
♪ the thrill is gone ♪
2567
01:38:29,120 --> 01:38:30,680
♪ Then it's time ♪
♪ to take it back ♪
2568
01:38:30,720 --> 01:38:32,280
♪ If the thrill is gone ♪
2569
01:38:32,320 --> 01:38:33,840
♪ Then it's time ♪
♪ to take it back ♪
2570
01:38:35,720 --> 01:38:36,800
Oh, no, no,
no, no, no!
2571
01:38:36,880 --> 01:38:38,360
We're stuck!
We're stuck!
2572
01:38:38,400 --> 01:38:40,360
To hell with the 5.0.
Let's run for it, man.
2573
01:38:40,600 --> 01:38:42,040
But we need
great tunes!
2574
01:38:42,120 --> 01:38:43,120
Come on, let's get them!
2575
01:38:43,160 --> 01:38:45,040
(MUSIC STOPS)
VANILLA ICE: Right here, I got a Walkman.
2576
01:38:45,280 --> 01:38:46,680
DONNY: The Walkman!
Yeah, baby.
2577
01:38:46,880 --> 01:38:47,880
(ICE ICE BABY PLAYING)
2578
01:38:47,960 --> 01:38:48,960
♪ Let's kick it ♪
2579
01:38:49,000 --> 01:38:50,080
Let's go!
2580
01:38:50,280 --> 01:38:51,880
♪ Ice, Ice, baby ♪
2581
01:38:53,320 --> 01:38:54,680
Damn it, man!
Come on! Let's go!
2582
01:38:54,840 --> 01:38:55,960
Oh. My God!
2583
01:38:56,240 --> 01:38:57,280
♪ All right, stop ♪
2584
01:38:57,360 --> 01:38:58,680
♪ Collaborate and listen ♪
2585
01:38:58,760 --> 01:38:59,880
Hey!
Whoa!
2586
01:39:00,400 --> 01:39:02,640
♪ Something grabs ♪
♪ a hold of me tightly ♪
2587
01:39:02,680 --> 01:39:04,680
♪ Flow like a harpoon ♪
♪ daily and nightly ♪
2588
01:39:04,760 --> 01:39:06,800
♪ Will it ever stop? ♪
♪ Yo, I don't know ♪
2589
01:39:06,880 --> 01:39:08,760
♪ Turn off the lights, ♪
♪ and I'll glow ♪
2590
01:39:08,840 --> 01:39:10,400
♪ To the extreme, ♪
♪ I rock a mic... ♪
2591
01:39:10,480 --> 01:39:12,600
GIRLS:
You forgot to pay!
2592
01:39:13,040 --> 01:39:16,280
So, Jamie, do you promise
to provide Todd here
2593
01:39:16,360 --> 01:39:19,800
with unending empathy,
encouragement and honesty,
2594
01:39:20,640 --> 01:39:21,760
till death do you part?
2595
01:39:22,480 --> 01:39:24,040
I do.
(SIGH)
2596
01:39:25,360 --> 01:39:26,560
♪ If there was a problem ♪
2597
01:39:26,600 --> 01:39:27,600
♪ Yo, I'll solve it ♪
2598
01:39:27,800 --> 01:39:28,840
Hey, Donny.
2599
01:39:29,160 --> 01:39:30,240
Come on!
2600
01:39:30,280 --> 01:39:31,480
♪ Ice, Ice, baby ♪
2601
01:39:31,520 --> 01:39:32,680
Whoa!
2602
01:39:32,720 --> 01:39:33,880
(GRUNTS)
(MUSIC STOPS)
2603
01:39:34,600 --> 01:39:35,880
(PANTING)
2604
01:39:36,680 --> 01:39:38,120
What are you doing, guy?
2605
01:39:38,320 --> 01:39:39,480
You jumped?
2606
01:39:39,880 --> 01:39:41,760
There was a door right here!
2607
01:39:41,800 --> 01:39:43,480
Come on,
we got to get there!
2608
01:39:44,080 --> 01:39:45,320
(GROANING)
2609
01:39:46,320 --> 01:39:47,880
And you, Todd,
do you promise to love,
2610
01:39:47,920 --> 01:39:50,560
honor and protect
this special lady
2611
01:39:50,640 --> 01:39:51,840
for the rest of your life?
2612
01:39:53,960 --> 01:39:55,640
DONNY: Don't answer
that question!
2613
01:39:56,280 --> 01:39:57,360
(CROWD MURMURING)
2614
01:39:58,000 --> 01:39:59,240
(PANTING)
2615
01:40:02,000 --> 01:40:03,120
Oh, shit.
2616
01:40:04,760 --> 01:40:06,080
(WHEEZING)
2617
01:40:06,280 --> 01:40:09,720
We ran well over...
a mile.
2618
01:40:12,880 --> 01:40:14,240
(WHEEZING)
2619
01:40:22,400 --> 01:40:24,400
I object to these two
getting married.
2620
01:40:24,680 --> 01:40:26,240
(CROWD GASPS)
2621
01:40:26,320 --> 01:40:29,760
No, uh, we are, we're
past that part already.
2622
01:40:30,520 --> 01:40:31,840
What are my options, then?
2623
01:40:32,080 --> 01:40:33,080
How about leaving?
2624
01:40:33,160 --> 01:40:35,640
You shut the hell up,
you satanic hose-bag!
2625
01:40:35,880 --> 01:40:36,880
Hey!
2626
01:40:36,960 --> 01:40:39,280
Gerald! I'm sorry
it sounded so harsh,
2627
01:40:39,360 --> 01:40:41,760
but you'll understand why I
said that in a few minutes.
2628
01:40:41,920 --> 01:40:43,320
There ain't gonna be
a few minutes,
2629
01:40:43,560 --> 01:40:45,040
you goddamn son of a bitch!
Calm down!
2630
01:40:45,080 --> 01:40:47,080
Calm down!
(CROWD GASPS)
2631
01:40:47,680 --> 01:40:49,040
Let the boy talk.
2632
01:40:49,480 --> 01:40:51,041
DONNY: I can't let you
marry this chick.
2633
01:40:51,440 --> 01:40:52,560
I can't believe
you're doing this.
2634
01:40:52,640 --> 01:40:53,960
Listen to me, buddy.
2635
01:40:54,520 --> 01:40:56,080
You don't love this girl.
2636
01:40:56,360 --> 01:40:57,360
I'm telling you
2637
01:40:57,400 --> 01:40:58,760
I had love,
it's different.
2638
01:40:58,800 --> 01:41:00,120
It's a different feeling.
2639
01:41:00,640 --> 01:41:01,920
Love is like...
2640
01:41:03,080 --> 01:41:05,720
It just leads you
to a special connection.
2641
01:41:06,120 --> 01:41:09,480
It's full of, like,
feelings of awesomeness.
2642
01:41:09,560 --> 01:41:11,280
And the feelings
2643
01:41:11,320 --> 01:41:14,240
you...
That wrap around you.
2644
01:41:14,640 --> 01:41:16,680
It's deep
in your stomach.
2645
01:41:16,760 --> 01:41:19,120
It's in your head. It's
in your fucking nut sack.
2646
01:41:20,080 --> 01:41:21,600
It's in your dick
when it gets hard.
2647
01:41:21,680 --> 01:41:22,960
There's still love
at the tip.
2648
01:41:23,320 --> 01:41:25,240
And it fucking
sprinkles out
2649
01:41:25,960 --> 01:41:28,720
like morning dew
shooting all over the grass.
2650
01:41:29,560 --> 01:41:31,920
Okay, I've had just about
enough of this.
2651
01:41:32,120 --> 01:41:33,400
Phil, sit down
before I tell your wife
2652
01:41:33,440 --> 01:41:34,480
what you did
at the strip club.
2653
01:41:34,600 --> 01:41:35,640
Okay.
(CROWD GASPS)
2654
01:41:37,520 --> 01:41:41,760
Son, I'm sorry, I just, I can't
let you marry this skank.
2655
01:41:42,240 --> 01:41:43,440
"Son?"
2656
01:41:43,560 --> 01:41:45,160
Your son?
Son?
2657
01:41:45,360 --> 01:41:47,080
What is he talking about?
2658
01:41:47,120 --> 01:41:48,280
Honey?
2659
01:41:48,680 --> 01:41:50,000
You can tell me.
2660
01:41:50,840 --> 01:41:52,200
I'll forgive you.
2661
01:41:53,200 --> 01:41:55,200
That's what love's about, right?
Forgiveness.
2662
01:41:57,200 --> 01:41:58,440
All right, fine.
2663
01:42:00,320 --> 01:42:01,960
Donny's not my best friend.
2664
01:42:02,960 --> 01:42:04,080
He's my father.
2665
01:42:04,160 --> 01:42:05,680
(CROWD GASPS)
Oh, my...
2666
01:42:05,760 --> 01:42:07,640
My parents didn't die
in an explosion.
2667
01:42:08,680 --> 01:42:10,200
I lied because
I'm the product of
2668
01:42:10,280 --> 01:42:12,640
an inappropriate
teacher-student relationship.
2669
01:42:13,200 --> 01:42:15,080
Teacher-student
relationship?
2670
01:42:16,920 --> 01:42:18,440
Do you know how
gross that sounds?
2671
01:42:18,520 --> 01:42:19,520
You're disgusting!
2672
01:42:19,960 --> 01:42:21,480
Are you fucking
kidding me right now?
2673
01:42:21,920 --> 01:42:23,720
She can still
cancel that check, Donny!
2674
01:42:24,240 --> 01:42:25,240
Chad.
2675
01:42:25,280 --> 01:42:26,280
Cancel what check?
2676
01:42:26,480 --> 01:42:27,480
I don't...
2677
01:42:27,520 --> 01:42:29,920
She gave me 50 grand
to keep my mouth shut.
2678
01:42:30,200 --> 01:42:31,200
(CROWD GASPS)
2679
01:42:31,600 --> 01:42:33,080
50 grand? Jamie.
2680
01:42:33,360 --> 01:42:36,200
Yeah, it was, uh...
I was gonna hold on to it,
2681
01:42:36,240 --> 01:42:37,760
you know, to get me
out of jail, but...
2682
01:42:39,160 --> 01:42:41,000
Yeah, yeah.
That's what I think of that.
2683
01:42:41,040 --> 01:42:42,680
That's how much I hate
this fucking whore.
2684
01:42:42,840 --> 01:42:44,800
Wait. Keep your mouth
shut about what?
2685
01:42:44,840 --> 01:42:46,040
JAMIE:
Todd, don't listen to him.
2686
01:42:46,120 --> 01:42:47,600
He's a liar and he's crazy!
2687
01:42:48,040 --> 01:42:49,920
Father McNally, please continue.
I promise to do
2688
01:42:50,000 --> 01:42:51,720
all that shit you mentioned
and so does Todd, right?
2689
01:42:51,800 --> 01:42:53,080
Wait, what is going on?
2690
01:42:53,720 --> 01:42:54,760
Tell him.
2691
01:42:55,960 --> 01:42:57,960
No, no, no, no, no. Don't
tell him, don't tell him.
2692
01:42:58,000 --> 01:43:00,241
You tell him or I'll tell everybody here.
It's up to you.
2693
01:43:03,200 --> 01:43:04,240
(STUTTERS SOFTLY)
2694
01:43:06,720 --> 01:43:07,760
Come on.
2695
01:43:14,160 --> 01:43:15,160
(WHISPERS)
2696
01:43:20,440 --> 01:43:21,640
Oh. Okay.
2697
01:43:21,720 --> 01:43:22,840
Well, that's not that bad.
2698
01:43:23,040 --> 01:43:26,200
What? You didn't tell him, you
fucking lying piece of shit!
2699
01:43:26,240 --> 01:43:27,240
Get on it now
2700
01:43:27,320 --> 01:43:28,880
or I'll fucking
crush you!
2701
01:43:29,080 --> 01:43:30,080
No.
2702
01:43:30,560 --> 01:43:33,480
Jame, you can tell me.
2703
01:43:33,520 --> 01:43:34,840
I mean, how bad could it be?
2704
01:43:58,880 --> 01:43:59,960
What?
2705
01:44:00,000 --> 01:44:01,160
Okay, she told him.
2706
01:44:03,240 --> 01:44:04,240
What?
2707
01:44:06,160 --> 01:44:07,680
(GROANS LOUDLY)
2708
01:44:09,920 --> 01:44:11,400
You fuck your brother?
2709
01:44:11,600 --> 01:44:13,680
(CROWD GASPS LOUDLY)
Oh, my God!
2710
01:44:15,800 --> 01:44:17,480
Fucking white people.
2711
01:44:18,720 --> 01:44:20,120
(LAUGHS)
2712
01:44:20,360 --> 01:44:23,360
I'm not looking so bad now, am I, Dad?
(LAUGHS)
2713
01:44:24,040 --> 01:44:25,040
I'm...
I'm out of here.
2714
01:44:25,400 --> 01:44:28,000
Mom, she started all this.
2715
01:44:28,080 --> 01:44:30,200
I didn't want to. I'm still
your little soldier, I...
2716
01:44:30,680 --> 01:44:31,720
Fuck!
2717
01:44:31,800 --> 01:44:32,800
Take that uniform off.
2718
01:44:32,880 --> 01:44:34,520
You're insulting us all.
2719
01:44:34,800 --> 01:44:36,520
No, no, no.
Don't you see?
2720
01:44:37,040 --> 01:44:38,560
It's gonna be
even better now.
2721
01:44:39,320 --> 01:44:41,200
You're a mess, I'm a mess.
2722
01:44:41,520 --> 01:44:44,160
Come on. Doc Shakalu,
get your ass up here!
2723
01:44:44,480 --> 01:44:46,160
I got to be
part of this shit?
2724
01:44:46,480 --> 01:44:47,600
Todd?
2725
01:44:47,680 --> 01:44:48,920
Please.
2726
01:44:55,480 --> 01:44:56,520
Come on, baby.
2727
01:44:56,560 --> 01:44:58,080
Come on, Todd,
let's do this.
2728
01:44:58,160 --> 01:44:59,200
Yeah, yeah.
2729
01:44:59,280 --> 01:45:00,280
No!
2730
01:45:00,360 --> 01:45:02,120
Let's not do this.
2731
01:45:02,520 --> 01:45:03,600
Okay?
2732
01:45:04,280 --> 01:45:07,960
And for the record,
my name's not Todd Peterson.
2733
01:45:08,440 --> 01:45:09,960
It's Han Solo.
2734
01:45:10,400 --> 01:45:11,400
Named after the man who made
2735
01:45:11,440 --> 01:45:13,520
the Kessel Run
in less than 12 parsecs.
2736
01:45:14,400 --> 01:45:17,480
And I am a Berger,
like my father before me.
2737
01:45:17,760 --> 01:45:18,760
Also, I want to tell
2738
01:45:18,840 --> 01:45:19,840
everyone here that I've got
2739
01:45:19,880 --> 01:45:22,360
a pretty huge New Kids on
the Block tattoo on my back.
2740
01:45:22,440 --> 01:45:24,680
The heads are warped, but
fuck you, guys, it's funny.
2741
01:45:24,840 --> 01:45:26,560
(CHUCKLES)
It is fucking hilarious.
2742
01:45:26,880 --> 01:45:27,960
Oh, and Steve?
2743
01:45:28,200 --> 01:45:29,840
Uh, nothing personal, man,
2744
01:45:29,920 --> 01:45:31,760
but I quit!
2745
01:45:32,120 --> 01:45:34,440
Aw, no, no. Come on, Todd,
don't be like that, huh?
2746
01:45:34,920 --> 01:45:37,160
Ah! We quit, too.
2747
01:45:37,680 --> 01:45:38,840
Fuck you!
2748
01:45:39,000 --> 01:45:40,480
VANILLA ICE:
Good call, Han Solo,
2749
01:45:40,520 --> 01:45:42,120
'cause your fiancee
banged him, too.
2750
01:45:42,200 --> 01:45:43,480
(CROWD GASPS)
What?
2751
01:45:43,520 --> 01:45:45,321
I didn't know about
the brother thing, though.
2752
01:45:45,440 --> 01:45:47,720
I am as sickened as you,
believe me.
2753
01:45:47,960 --> 01:45:49,560
You know what?
It's all right, Steve.
2754
01:45:49,800 --> 01:45:50,880
'Cause guess what?
2755
01:45:50,920 --> 01:45:53,480
Donny and Vanilla Ice
fucked your mom!
2756
01:45:53,560 --> 01:45:54,720
(CROWD GASPS)
2757
01:45:54,760 --> 01:45:56,760
Vanilla Ice
banged Grandma?
2758
01:45:56,920 --> 01:45:58,720
That's fucking awesome!
2759
01:45:58,760 --> 01:46:00,000
(LAUGHS)
2760
01:46:01,800 --> 01:46:02,840
Donny, look out!
2761
01:46:03,080 --> 01:46:04,560
(SCREAMING)
2762
01:46:05,160 --> 01:46:06,240
(BOTTLE CLANKS)
2763
01:46:07,560 --> 01:46:09,360
Word to your mother,
brotherfucker!
2764
01:46:10,040 --> 01:46:12,000
I'm sorry. I know I'm not
supposed to hit a chick,
2765
01:46:12,040 --> 01:46:13,880
but I-I got to tell you,
it felt good.
2766
01:46:13,960 --> 01:46:15,560
(CHUCKLES) I mean,
I wouldn't do it again,
2767
01:46:15,600 --> 01:46:17,640
but with this psycho,
you know, it was warranted.
2768
01:46:17,960 --> 01:46:19,760
Donny!
I'm gonna kill you!
2769
01:46:19,840 --> 01:46:21,160
(CROWD GASPS)
2770
01:46:21,240 --> 01:46:22,360
(BOTTLE CLANKS)
2771
01:46:23,400 --> 01:46:24,720
At ease, bitch.
2772
01:46:24,960 --> 01:46:26,320
Dude! That's it!
2773
01:46:26,400 --> 01:46:27,440
Nice!
2774
01:46:27,480 --> 01:46:28,720
Hang on, though.
Hang on.
2775
01:46:28,880 --> 01:46:29,960
Oh, no, don't hurt me.
2776
01:46:34,480 --> 01:46:35,720
Even Steven.
2777
01:46:36,560 --> 01:46:37,600
DONNY:
Father,
2778
01:46:37,680 --> 01:46:38,760
take off the collar.
2779
01:46:39,840 --> 01:46:40,880
That's right.
2780
01:46:40,960 --> 01:46:42,000
You're not meant for this.
2781
01:46:43,200 --> 01:46:44,600
Well...
Yeah.
2782
01:46:44,960 --> 01:46:46,080
Nicely done.
2783
01:46:46,360 --> 01:46:47,960
All right, come on.
2784
01:46:48,400 --> 01:46:49,600
Let's get out of here, Dad.
2785
01:46:50,840 --> 01:46:53,280
Did you hear that?
Did you hear that?
2786
01:46:53,440 --> 01:46:55,480
My son called me Dad!
2787
01:46:56,000 --> 01:46:57,320
He called me Dad!
2788
01:46:57,360 --> 01:46:59,800
That's right! The Berger
boys are back, bitches!
2789
01:46:59,880 --> 01:47:01,920
BOTH:
Wassup?
2790
01:47:02,000 --> 01:47:03,160
Wassup?
2791
01:47:03,440 --> 01:47:05,040
Wassup...
2792
01:47:05,520 --> 01:47:06,800
(HOLD YOUR HEAD UP PLAYING)
2793
01:47:06,880 --> 01:47:08,880
♪ Hold your head up ♪
2794
01:47:08,920 --> 01:47:11,000
♪ Oh, hold your head up ♪
2795
01:47:12,000 --> 01:47:13,360
(LAUGHTER)
2796
01:47:13,400 --> 01:47:14,400
Shut up.
2797
01:47:14,480 --> 01:47:16,480
His boss and her brother?
2798
01:47:17,120 --> 01:47:18,440
It sounds like
a Rodney Dangerfield joke,
2799
01:47:18,520 --> 01:47:20,640
but it actually happened to my boy here!
(LAUGHTER)
2800
01:47:20,920 --> 01:47:23,480
N-Now we got to find Han Solo
one of them new girls.
2801
01:47:23,560 --> 01:47:25,520
One that don't care about all
that money he make. (CHUCKLES)
2802
01:47:25,600 --> 01:47:26,640
No, no.
2803
01:47:26,680 --> 01:47:28,000
Yeah, like a girl version
2804
01:47:28,040 --> 01:47:30,160
- of Todd Bridges would be perfect.
- BRIDGES: That's right!
2805
01:47:30,240 --> 01:47:31,520
Female version of me.
That's right.
2806
01:47:31,560 --> 01:47:32,921
Well, you know,
I actually might be
2807
01:47:32,960 --> 01:47:34,640
doing okay in that
department, so...
2808
01:47:34,760 --> 01:47:35,800
DONNY:
What's that?
2809
01:47:35,880 --> 01:47:37,080
What the fuck... What the heck?
Oh!
2810
01:47:37,200 --> 01:47:39,160
Todd and Brie,
sitting in a tree.
2811
01:47:39,520 --> 01:47:40,520
(LAUGHS)
2812
01:47:40,560 --> 01:47:42,440
I have balls
down to my knee!
2813
01:47:42,680 --> 01:47:43,720
(LAUGHTER)
What?
2814
01:47:43,760 --> 01:47:45,440
DONNY:
Ah, he said it! Yeah!
2815
01:47:45,760 --> 01:47:46,800
KENNY:
Donny!
2816
01:47:46,880 --> 01:47:47,880
Yeah, buddy?
2817
01:47:47,960 --> 01:47:48,960
You're my best friend.
2818
01:47:49,000 --> 01:47:50,080
I'm gonna miss you.
2819
01:47:51,640 --> 01:47:52,880
I know, I know.
2820
01:47:53,160 --> 01:47:54,200
But there's good news.
2821
01:47:54,240 --> 01:47:56,320
You know what, Miss McGarricle
gets out in three years,
2822
01:47:56,400 --> 01:47:58,160
so the timing's
kind of perfect
2823
01:47:58,240 --> 01:47:59,760
for us to start
our lives together.
2824
01:48:00,200 --> 01:48:01,480
Dad, let me just
give you the money.
2825
01:48:01,560 --> 01:48:02,560
No. No.
2826
01:48:02,640 --> 01:48:03,680
I'm not gonna do that.
2827
01:48:03,720 --> 01:48:04,960
It's time
for Donny Berger
2828
01:48:05,040 --> 01:48:07,200
to take responsibility
for his screw-ups.
2829
01:48:07,800 --> 01:48:10,120
I made my bed,
now I got to lie in it.
2830
01:48:10,520 --> 01:48:12,200
Donny! Donny!
Are you watching?
2831
01:48:12,640 --> 01:48:14,160
Turn on the TV!
Turn it on!
2832
01:48:14,520 --> 01:48:16,360
ANNOUNCER: There he is,
the fat guy we've been
2833
01:48:16,400 --> 01:48:18,240
talking about all day,
Tubby Tuke,
2834
01:48:18,320 --> 01:48:20,560
actually gaining
on the Ethiopians
2835
01:48:20,600 --> 01:48:21,840
here in the final stretch.
2836
01:48:21,920 --> 01:48:24,200
Is-is this the fat guy
I put the money on?
2837
01:48:24,320 --> 01:48:26,280
20 bucks at 8,000-to-1.
2838
01:48:26,640 --> 01:48:27,680
Beep boop beep
boop beep.
2839
01:48:27,760 --> 01:48:29,040
160 grand?
160 grand?
2840
01:48:29,120 --> 01:48:30,600
DONNY: Come on,
you fat shit, move it!
2841
01:48:30,640 --> 01:48:32,480
ALL: Go, Tubby! Go, Tubby!
(CLAMORING)
2842
01:48:32,560 --> 01:48:34,040
Keep running!
Keep running!
2843
01:48:35,000 --> 01:48:36,720
Pass those Ethiopians!
2844
01:48:37,040 --> 01:48:39,120
Pass them skinny
fucking Ethiopians!
2845
01:48:39,560 --> 01:48:40,840
(CLAMORING)
2846
01:48:41,200 --> 01:48:44,320
Oh, this defies every law of
science, but it's happening!
2847
01:48:47,320 --> 01:48:49,000
Oh!
Get the fuck up!
2848
01:48:49,720 --> 01:48:51,040
Get the fuck up!
2849
01:48:53,000 --> 01:48:54,200
(CHEERING)
Oh, he's up!
2850
01:48:54,240 --> 01:48:55,280
He's up! He's up!
2851
01:48:58,200 --> 01:49:00,080
That'll replenish him!
That'll replenish him!
2852
01:49:00,160 --> 01:49:01,160
No!
2853
01:49:02,080 --> 01:49:03,400
ANNOUNCER: Oh, listen
to the roar of that crowd.
2854
01:49:03,440 --> 01:49:04,480
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Fat guy! Fat guy!
2855
01:49:04,800 --> 01:49:06,720
Fat guy! Fat guy!
2856
01:49:07,760 --> 01:49:09,000
ANNOUNCER:
Can he possibly win it?
2857
01:49:09,040 --> 01:49:10,080
He's gonna do it!
2858
01:49:11,880 --> 01:49:12,960
Tubby Tuke has won!
(CHEERING)
2859
01:49:13,040 --> 01:49:14,040
(LOVE SONG PLAYING)
2860
01:49:14,080 --> 01:49:16,040
♪ Love will find a way ♪
2861
01:49:19,800 --> 01:49:22,440
Tubby Tuke wins!
Tubby Tuke wins!
2862
01:49:23,120 --> 01:49:25,800
♪ Love is gonna find a way ♪
2863
01:49:29,480 --> 01:49:31,440
(DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY PLAYING)
2864
01:49:43,160 --> 01:49:45,240
♪ Have you seen her? ♪
2865
01:49:45,480 --> 01:49:47,320
♪ So fine and pretty ♪
2866
01:49:47,360 --> 01:49:50,560
♪ Fooled me with ♪
♪ her style and ease ♪
2867
01:49:50,640 --> 01:49:54,520
♪ And I feel her ♪
♪ from across the room ♪
2868
01:49:54,560 --> 01:49:57,320
♪ Yes, it's love ♪
♪ in the third degree ♪
2869
01:49:59,280 --> 01:50:01,960
♪ Ooh, baby, baby ♪
2870
01:50:02,000 --> 01:50:05,160
♪ Won't you turn ♪
♪ your head my way? ♪
2871
01:50:06,720 --> 01:50:09,240
♪ Ooh, baby, baby ♪
2872
01:50:09,280 --> 01:50:11,760
♪ Ah, come on ♪
♪ Take a chance ♪
2873
01:50:11,840 --> 01:50:13,240
♪ You're old enough to ♪
2874
01:50:13,280 --> 01:50:17,880
♪ Dance the night away ♪
2875
01:50:19,920 --> 01:50:21,040
♪ Whoa-oh ♪
2876
01:50:21,080 --> 01:50:22,880
♪ Come on, girl ♪
2877
01:50:22,920 --> 01:50:25,440
♪ Dance the night away ♪
2878
01:50:27,760 --> 01:50:31,760
♪ A live wire, ♪
♪ barely a beginner ♪
2879
01:50:31,800 --> 01:50:34,760
♪ But just watch that lady go ♪
2880
01:50:35,200 --> 01:50:39,680
♪ She's on fire, 'cause ♪
♪ dancin' gets her higher than ♪
2881
01:50:39,760 --> 01:50:43,200
♪ Anything else she knows ♪
2882
01:50:43,880 --> 01:50:46,680
♪ Ooh, baby, baby ♪
2883
01:50:46,720 --> 01:50:49,920
♪ Won't you turn ♪
♪ your head my way? ♪
2884
01:50:51,280 --> 01:50:54,120
♪ Ooh, baby, baby ♪
2885
01:50:54,200 --> 01:50:56,280
♪ Well, don't skip ♪
♪ romance 'cause ♪
2886
01:50:56,320 --> 01:50:58,160
♪ You're old enough to ♪
2887
01:50:58,200 --> 01:51:02,760
♪ Dance the night away ♪
2888
01:51:04,560 --> 01:51:05,720
♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪
2889
01:51:05,760 --> 01:51:07,560
♪ Come on, girl ♪
2890
01:51:07,600 --> 01:51:10,800
♪ Dance the night away ♪
2891
01:51:42,560 --> 01:51:46,920
♪ Dance the night away ♪
2892
01:51:49,880 --> 01:51:54,040
♪ Dance, dance, ♪
♪ dance the night away ♪
2893
01:51:56,040 --> 01:51:57,040
♪ Ah, come on ♪
2894
01:51:57,080 --> 01:52:01,600
♪ Dance the night away ♪
2895
01:52:04,520 --> 01:52:08,840
♪ Dance, dance, ♪
♪ dance the night away ♪
2896
01:52:08,920 --> 01:52:11,880
♪ Ah, come on, baby, baby ♪
2897
01:52:11,960 --> 01:52:16,200
♪ Dance the night away ♪
2898
01:52:19,280 --> 01:52:22,840
♪ Dance, dance, ♪
♪ dance the night away ♪
2899
01:52:24,240 --> 01:52:26,840
(LAWD HAVE MERCY PLAYING)