1 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:20,000 2 00:00:14,806 --> 00:00:18,056 First of all, Thank you very much for doing this 3 00:00:18,143 --> 00:00:21,023 I know you're busy I'm kind of embarrassed to ask you a question. 4 00:00:21,104 --> 00:00:23,524 What do you need, exactly? Because of me... 5 00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:26,187 Um, I want you... 6 00:00:26,276 --> 00:00:28,186 - You will look at the camera. - Right 7 00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:31,068 Have the audience really excited to see me, a good introduction 8 00:00:31,156 --> 00:00:33,486 Only makes them really juiced to get me out 9 00:00:33,575 --> 00:00:35,825 What about: "Ladies and gentlemen, 10 00:00:35,910 --> 00:00:37,910 You are on for the night from your life The next comedian makes Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock look like trash. 11 00:00:37,996 --> 00:00:41,576 12 00:00:41,666 --> 00:00:44,956 George Carlin and Richard Pryor are bad luck compared to him 13 00:00:45,044 --> 00:00:48,214 Welcome to the greatest comedian in the world: Jim Norton. " 14 00:00:48,298 --> 00:00:52,178 Well, that's too much. It's a little above. - What is it? - Yeah, too much 15 00:00:52,260 --> 00:00:53,800 - Oh. - It's hard to believe all of that. 16 00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:56,007 trying to make you big. So... 17 00:00:56,097 --> 00:00:59,637 Something a little less pressure-stimulating. 18 00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:02,846 All right, okay You don't want to be stressed. I'm sorry. = when doing special on Netflix 19 00:01:02,937 --> 00:01:05,227 it will look by millions of people. But you don't want pressure. 20 00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:07,145 21 00:01:07,233 --> 00:01:09,693 22 00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:12,158 23 00:01:12,238 --> 00:01:13,908 24 00:01:13,990 --> 00:01:15,490 - Must be honest. - honest 25 00:01:15,575 --> 00:01:18,905 - Honest is important - Good. Honest. Yes, honest. 26 00:01:18,995 --> 00:01:23,035 What about: "please convey for dirty, disgusting, 27 00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:26,964 turtle tortoise peeled with AIDS, 28 00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:31,125 king of cum-guzzling itself, Mr. Jim Norton." 29 00:01:33,968 --> 00:01:36,598 - Too honest - huh? Sorry. 30 00:01:39,182 --> 00:01:40,682 [sighs] 31 00:01:41,643 --> 00:01:44,023 Hey buddy. I get help asking you questions. 32 00:01:44,103 --> 00:01:47,773 I shot specifically, and I saw for someone to introduce me to, 33 00:01:47,857 --> 00:01:49,607 and I will be happy to be you. 34 00:01:49,692 --> 00:01:53,152 You will only say something good about me and bring me on stage. 35 00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:54,780 If it will... 36 00:01:54,864 --> 00:01:57,084 Listen, I appreciate you doing this, 37 00:01:57,158 --> 00:02:00,368 but it doesn't seem like like you really means all that. 38 00:02:00,453 --> 00:02:02,123 You don't believe what I just said? 39 00:02:05,875 --> 00:02:08,795 Ladies and gentlemen, come to the stage in the near future, 40 00:02:08,878 --> 00:02:10,838 Soon, Jim Norton. 41 00:02:10,922 --> 00:02:13,802 - See? There. It is not good. - What do you mean? 42 00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:16,487 You don't sound like you mean it. You must say it with confidence. 43 00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:18,221 You told me how to deliver it? 44 00:02:18,888 --> 00:02:22,978 Your goal here is to get people very happy and happy to see me 45 00:02:23,059 --> 00:02:25,399 I'm an actor I'm not a pesky magician. 46 00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:28,438 You don't like the way I do it? Hah? 47 00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:29,983 I'm not saying that I don't like it. 48 00:02:30,775 --> 00:02:32,985 Stop acting so nervous. 49 00:02:33,069 --> 00:02:34,672 Do it again, You stab the bad luck. 50 00:02:34,696 --> 00:02:35,696 Please, do it again. 51 00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:38,200 - Motivation You have to... - My motivation 52 00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:39,413 It should be... 53 00:02:39,492 --> 00:02:43,002 Now say again with confidence, you are a bad ugly slug 54 00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:45,499 Motivation You must... 55 00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:47,792 You're dirty, nervous jab Jimmy, come on! You can do it! 56 00:02:48,751 --> 00:02:51,171 Women and men, please help me 57 00:02:51,963 --> 00:02:54,633 and welcome to Jim Norton! 58 00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:58,256 59 00:02:58,344 --> 00:03:01,394 - [audience cheering and clapping] - [playing rock music] 60 00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:12,734 ♪ The world today Is that evil place ♪ 61 00:03:14,944 --> 00:03:18,784 ♪ The fight continues Between the human race... ♪ 62 00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:19,865 Thank you. 63 00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:29,382 Thank you very much for coming. I really appreciate you being here. 64 00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:30,916 How about that? 65 00:03:31,002 --> 00:03:32,672 [cheering audience] 66 00:03:37,091 --> 00:03:40,181 Robert De Niro hit my naked ass. 67 00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:44,974 I'm sick of the day we shot it, and my whole fear, I like, 68 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:48,228 "Please, don't be unlucky in his hand. Don't be unlucky in his hand." 69 00:03:49,437 --> 00:03:53,357 Listen, I have a good comedy career. I did stand-up for 20 years. 70 00:03:53,441 --> 00:03:58,201 I'm not mainstream famous, obviously. Kevin Hart is famous for the mainstream. 71 00:03:58,279 --> 00:04:01,569 I have a type of fame where people will see me, and they are kind of... 72 00:04:01,658 --> 00:04:03,618 Sometimes they know they have seen me somewhere, 73 00:04:03,701 --> 00:04:05,291 but they're not sure where 74 00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:06,790 Never an attractive woman. 75 00:04:06,871 --> 00:04:08,974 Even if they know me, they don't say it, Because they're not sure. 76 00:04:08,998 --> 00:04:11,668 "Did I see him on stage somewhere, or did he follow me home?" 77 00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:12,881 I always have it... 78 00:04:14,170 --> 00:04:16,170 "Do I see it in Louie? or in my bush?" 79 00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:21,933 But I don't know what you know about comedians, 80 00:04:22,011 --> 00:04:25,271 But there's nothing more we hate than some random people leave, 81 00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:27,178 "Bro, where do I know you?" 82 00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:29,687 The last thing I want to say is, "I'm a comedian. Oh, don't choose me. I will use you in my actions, buster. Come on, let's sit down." 83 00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:33,059 This is disgusting. So, whenever someone says, "Where do I know you," 84 00:04:33,147 --> 00:04:34,477 I will usually leave, "I think I suck on your penis. 85 00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:40,283 86 00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:42,493 87 00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:47,429 You like root, don't you? Do you like roots? 88 00:04:47,453 --> 00:04:50,713 Two fingers in the ass, thumb on the ball I know you. 89 00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:53,498 Don't be angry, man. I think it's you 90 00:04:53,584 --> 00:04:56,134 Maybe it's your father He looks like you. I am sorry. 91 00:04:57,964 --> 00:05:00,304 Don't be angry You say, do I look familiar? " 92 00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,603 I feel very good. I like being able to shoot in New York. 93 00:05:12,687 --> 00:05:16,727 It's nice to be back home. And I feel rested. = An extraordinary dream that Kim Kardashian is sitting on my face and just grinding. 94 00:05:16,816 --> 00:05:19,486 95 00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:24,319 96 00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:25,907 97 00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:29,913 Well, but then I woke up and realized my nose was just stuffy. 98 00:05:33,207 --> 00:05:36,337 I like fat donkeys more than white people should. 99 00:05:37,086 --> 00:05:39,296 Black people should like fat donkeys, 100 00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:41,050 But I really like big and fat donkeys. 101 00:05:41,132 --> 00:05:43,592 But I tend to date small women. 102 00:05:43,676 --> 00:05:46,676 So, it's terrible when I see a big, fat ass if I'm with a little girl, 103 00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:49,324 and they are like, "That's disgusting." Then I have to sell. 104 00:05:49,348 --> 00:05:51,228 "Yeah, this is terrible. Oh, it will feel terrible, Maternity waist. 105 00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:53,769 I don't like holding it and sliding in Ugh! 106 00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:57,153 107 00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:00,741 Oh, her pussy might grip you like Aliens' mouth. 108 00:06:00,818 --> 00:06:02,398 Oh, disgusting! 109 00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:07,373 Very bad, The soft meat bounces back against you. 110 00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:11,044 I like your hip order. That's what I like, your skeleton... 111 00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:14,958 Ass like a leukemia patient. That's what makes me excited. 112 00:06:16,167 --> 00:06:18,127 Oh, I like it when you turn around and go... " 113 00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:19,841 [coughing] 114 00:06:27,678 --> 00:06:29,808 I fought recently. I didn't fight much. 115 00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:32,429 I'm not a big person, so I'm right really doesn't fight very much. But I have a big mouth. I won my fight, though. 116 00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:35,517 117 00:06:35,603 --> 00:06:38,153 I really won the fight that I faced. 118 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:41,651 That is a man. He's a little drunk, I guess. 119 00:06:41,734 --> 00:06:44,534 He is in a shop, and I only hear it, 120 00:06:44,612 --> 00:06:46,322 and I can't help myself. 121 00:06:46,405 --> 00:06:47,905 She's got fedora. 122 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,080 And he talked to salesgirl, 123 00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:53,430 and he is like, "What do you think? I have to wear this?" 124 00:06:53,454 --> 00:06:54,834 And I said, "Rope." 125 00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:03,592 The truth is very good fashion advice 126 00:07:03,673 --> 00:07:06,723 But he grabbed my shirt. That's why I think he's drunk. 127 00:07:06,801 --> 00:07:09,471 He grabbed my shirt, and he was like, "What did you say?" 128 00:07:09,554 --> 00:07:11,684 And I'm like, "I'll cum." 129 00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:21,227 Then he immediately gave up. 130 00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:24,320 Too late, unfortunately. 131 00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:31,990 People are so homophobic. This is very funny to me. 132 00:07:32,076 --> 00:07:35,956 We use homophobia to make each other uncomfortable, 133 00:07:36,038 --> 00:07:37,958 to dominate each other as we grow older 134 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:41,670 You remember ten or 11 years, You will sit at your friend's house, 135 00:07:41,752 --> 00:07:43,462 watching TV in the living room, 136 00:07:43,546 --> 00:07:47,546 and then he just walked out of nowhere and began to hit the side of your face? 137 00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:49,804 Remember? 138 00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:07,956 I'm still like that. Still having fun making love with your friends. 139 00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:11,237 I went into a public toilet, and a friend of mine was in the urinal, 140 00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,744 and you have to do something When your friend is in the urinal. 141 00:08:13,826 --> 00:08:16,826 You just have to make love to him a little. He didn't hear me enter, 142 00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:21,923 so I slipped behind him very slowly and I stood about an inch behind it, 143 00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:26,301 Then I put my mouth right behind the hair of his neck, and I just left... 144 00:08:26,380 --> 00:08:28,380 [inner voice] "Hey!" 145 00:08:31,552 --> 00:08:34,932 And he panics, and it's not my friend. 146 00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:41,064 however. 147 00:08:42,438 --> 00:08:45,228 Do you know how difficult it is to explain to strangers, 148 00:08:45,316 --> 00:08:47,606 why did you just talk on his neck? 149 00:08:51,405 --> 00:08:54,325 Oh man. I feel great. I feel really good. 150 00:08:54,408 --> 00:08:58,618 Life has only been good lately. And it's very funny, 151 00:08:58,704 --> 00:09:01,374 Because you find things that you like as you get older. 152 00:09:01,457 --> 00:09:04,787 I'm in my 40s now, so you feel bad It makes you feel good. 153 00:09:04,877 --> 00:09:08,047 Like, I have hate from someone telling a story, 154 00:09:08,130 --> 00:09:11,630 and at one point in the story, you know how they ask you to guess part of... 155 00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:13,387 Usually because the story is bad, 156 00:09:13,469 --> 00:09:17,679 and they think that your guess will encourage their story to be interesting. 157 00:09:17,765 --> 00:09:20,305 They will say, "Guess how much?" Then you guess the number, 158 00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:21,828 and then they tell you the actual number, 159 00:09:21,852 --> 00:09:24,152 and you are like, "Damn it! I should have guessed..." 160 00:09:25,731 --> 00:09:27,901 I have started to guess intentionally just to really destroy the momentum of the story 161 00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:30,744 Once you do that, you will never be able to do it. And I know I'm bullshit to rob a little victory from all my friends 162 00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:34,866 Damn them. Their stories are terrible. 163 00:09:34,949 --> 00:09:37,289 My manager Jonathan... I love him, but he did this to me all the time. 164 00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:39,198 He bought a watch, and he paid 1,500 dollars to watch it. 165 00:09:41,205 --> 00:09:44,285 166 00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:47,665 167 00:09:47,753 --> 00:09:51,553 And if he just said, "I paid 1,500 for watching this, but it costs 2,000," 168 00:09:51,632 --> 00:09:53,012 I must have been impressed. 169 00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:55,852 I must have been like, "Oh, cool, you saved 500 dollars." 170 00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:59,388 But he tried to have, like, "holy shit" while with him. 171 00:09:59,473 --> 00:10:01,243 She's like, "Man, I paid 1,500 for this watch. 172 00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:02,557 Guess what the price is." 173 00:10:04,186 --> 00:10:06,556 "I don't know. One hundred thirty thousand?" 174 00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:13,696 And I'm still dizzy remembering it 175 00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:17,199 That damn smile melted from his face Because now the real number has no impact at all 176 00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:21,909 177 00:10:22,997 --> 00:10:26,917 Like, I think 130,000. He can't go, "No. 2,000." 178 00:10:27,001 --> 00:10:29,881 "Oh, hey, That's saving too!" 179 00:10:31,672 --> 00:10:34,262 Fucking shoot yourself. Your story is very terrible And I started doing it... That's weird. I started... 180 00:10:37,136 --> 00:10:39,886 Fun guessing, I discovered accidentally. 181 00:10:39,972 --> 00:10:43,312 I tried to do the right thing. A friend of mine is really fat. 182 00:10:43,392 --> 00:10:46,522 Will it not be big if I just left it there? 183 00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:49,791 "A friend of mine is fat" and moves to something else. 184 00:10:49,815 --> 00:10:52,065 Like, it's only me talking to him. "You know who you are." 185 00:10:52,151 --> 00:10:54,591 186 00:10:57,323 --> 00:11:00,533 A friend of mine is really fat. He starts losing weight, which is great, 187 00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:03,538 but instead of just letting someone pay attention to it, 188 00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:06,621 he told us that he lost his weight, which was rather awkward 189 00:11:06,707 --> 00:11:08,226 Because it hasn't really been seen. 190 00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:10,896 She's like, "Dude, I lost a lot of weight." In my mind, I'm like, "Allegedly." 191 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,840 I didn't see the evidence at all. 192 00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:19,256 But then he put me in place. He is like, "Guess how many kilograms." 193 00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:22,715 And I don't want to be nonsense. "Uh, period..." 194 00:11:25,893 --> 00:11:29,563 So, in an effort to be kind, I'm too guessing. I'm like, "50?" 195 00:11:29,647 --> 00:11:31,857 She's like, "No. Six." 196 00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:35,686 And I realize that by guessing, 197 00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:39,318 I really robbed him at that time and made him feel bad. 198 00:11:39,407 --> 00:11:41,447 And that makes me very happy. 199 00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:46,209 I feel very good. I don't know how to handle feelings... 200 00:11:46,288 --> 00:11:49,458 I don't know how life feels good. I'm very unfamiliar with that. 201 00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:52,229 However, I am depressed, like everyone else I experience feelings like bullshit. Have you ever had suicidal thoughts? Anyone? 202 00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:56,223 203 00:11:56,298 --> 00:11:57,718 [man] Oh, yeah 204 00:11:58,676 --> 00:12:01,676 It's very fast... Whenever you say "suicidal thoughts," 205 00:12:01,762 --> 00:12:03,852 You don't want the answer as soon as that 206 00:12:03,931 --> 00:12:05,181 "Yes!" 207 00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:09,079 Hope you aren't on the first date. That's the wrong time. 208 00:12:09,103 --> 00:12:11,540 "I want to kill myself and everyone in the theater." 209 00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:12,694 Oh good. That... 210 00:12:15,776 --> 00:12:18,856 But it's weird that cunning and how it hit you from nowhere. 211 00:12:18,946 --> 00:12:20,106 You are not ready for that. 212 00:12:20,197 --> 00:12:22,300 Great things, then suddenly, your voice, like... 213 00:12:22,324 --> 00:12:24,244 "You forgot to hang yourself." "What?" 214 00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:29,670 I'm not trying to upset everyone. This is gone in six months. 215 00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:36,051 And I don't want to kill myself, 216 00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:39,220 but I've come for a peaceful conclusion, 217 00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:43,640 that if I ever decide to commit suicide, I will go in style. 218 00:12:43,721 --> 00:12:48,681 And before I do it, I want to write a note blaming someone I don't know. 219 00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:59,107 How funny is it, just to destroy someone's life for no reason at all? 220 00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:01,860 But it must be really random. 221 00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:05,737 Choose a man at work You have spoken with it once in eight years. 222 00:13:05,826 --> 00:13:08,946 Not even a man from your department. Just make it, you know... 223 00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:11,498 "Murray in Human Resources will know what this is." 224 00:13:12,124 --> 00:13:13,674 And fucking hang yourself. 225 00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:20,463 For the rest of his life, Murray will be all chaotic and socially awkward. 226 00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:23,468 "I don't know. I told that person once in 2014." 227 00:13:29,433 --> 00:13:32,983 I'm a terrible liar. I am a very bad liar. 228 00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:34,312 And I wish I was better, 229 00:13:34,396 --> 00:13:36,686 Because it's difficult for me to be good in relationships. 230 00:13:36,774 --> 00:13:39,994 So, the fact is, I just gave myself up when I lied. 231 00:13:40,069 --> 00:13:43,159 I always feel like that is clear. Some people are really experts lying. 232 00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:46,279 Your teacher can enter and catch you one of his friends. 233 00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,345 "What are you doing?" "He fell, honey, I picked him up." 234 00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:52,039 So smooth. And I admire your ability to do that, 235 00:13:52,122 --> 00:13:54,122 because I'm just... my eyes are getting wider. 236 00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:57,628 I sound like an actor from the 1940s if I send an SMS to the wrong person 237 00:13:57,711 --> 00:14:00,091 "Who is that?" "This is a friend, see? Ahh." 238 00:14:02,883 --> 00:14:04,683 Fucking throws the phone at the bathtub. 239 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:06,930 "Nothing can be seen there, chum. Ahh." 240 00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:13,353 Have you ever been a bad liar? 241 00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:15,805 that you are trying to lie truthfully 242 00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:18,016 in a sarcastic tone in your voice, 243 00:14:18,107 --> 00:14:20,147 Because it feels less like a lie? 244 00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:21,920 Like, if your boyfriend knows you cheated him. 245 00:14:21,944 --> 00:14:23,064 "Do you have sex with him?" 246 00:14:23,112 --> 00:14:24,362 "Yes! 247 00:14:25,906 --> 00:14:29,156 Oh yes, yes. I fucked her twice When you were in the hospital." 248 00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:36,041 Which is fairly honest in the transcript. 249 00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:47,679 My ex-girlfriend caught me. I am very badly damaged. 250 00:14:47,761 --> 00:14:50,431 Has anyone ever coughed up talking? for someone who shouldn't? 251 00:14:50,514 --> 00:14:53,644 Because it's black-and-white... 252 00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:54,846 Here it is. 253 00:14:55,936 --> 00:14:59,146 One morning, I was experiencing An unpleasant conversation with a girl, 254 00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:00,691 that I have met once. 255 00:15:00,774 --> 00:15:02,252 And that's what we are doing now in the digital era. 256 00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:05,526 You talk to people you might not talk to before, 257 00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:07,048 because you can do it on your cellphone 258 00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:12,492 And that was one of those three hours, lathered-up, fucking dirty... 259 00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:16,668 I offered $ 500 to come and put his foot in my mouth. 260 00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:25,256 But I'm talking to this girl Maria. 261 00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:27,721 And again, we never hang out. We only meet once. 262 00:15:30,387 --> 00:15:33,597 I'm done I just flinched and fell asleep. 263 00:15:40,522 --> 00:15:41,862 [ripping sound] 264 00:15:46,695 --> 00:15:49,235 This is 2011 I remember this like yesterday, 265 00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:55,001 and he goes, "Get up, Jim." 266 00:15:54,037 --> 00:16:00,964 The tone of voice implies this won't be good news 267 00:16:01,835 --> 00:16:03,795 "Get up, Jim." I'm like, "What?" 268 00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:06,239 I don't know why my impression of me woke up. 269 00:16:06,298 --> 00:16:08,048 "Wha..." I don't talk like that. 270 00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:09,643 Look, I'm overact, even in real life. 271 00:16:09,718 --> 00:16:10,968 [mumbling] "Wha..." 272 00:16:12,346 --> 00:16:13,926 I'm like, "What?" And he said, 273 00:16:14,014 --> 00:16:17,274 "I found out about your fucking conversation with Maria last night." 274 00:16:17,351 --> 00:16:19,481 And I'm kind of panicking, but I'm looking up, 275 00:16:19,561 --> 00:16:22,481 and my phone exactly where I left it the night before. 276 00:16:22,564 --> 00:16:24,084 I am like, "I do not know what you are talking about He is like," $ 500 to lick his feet, You are fucking? " 277 00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:27,488 So, now I know he knows. Either that or he is an amazing guess. But I hope I will improve the line I did before: 278 00:16:28,195 --> 00:16:31,735 " Hey, I won't go more than 350 for worship of feet. " 279 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:39,000 Ha ha! Followed him Ohh, we must make love. 280 00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:40,809 281 00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:44,293 282 00:16:45,295 --> 00:16:48,375 But I know I was caught somehow. I don't know how he knows. 283 00:16:48,465 --> 00:16:50,145 But you know how it is when you get caught 284 00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:52,495 I'm just like, "I'm sorry. I'm a sex addict. I don't know." 285 00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:54,643 There is no way to find information when you tried to save your contact I can't go, "Honey, I love you. How do you know, for future reference?" 286 00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:56,482 Here's how he knows. He tells how he knows. 287 00:16:56,515 --> 00:17:00,225 Because none of us are smart as we think we are. 288 00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:07,110 289 00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:09,702 290 00:17:09,778 --> 00:17:13,158 None of us understands the technology as we think we do. 291 00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:16,540 And we are all on Wi-Fi, and all devices are connected. 292 00:17:16,618 --> 00:17:18,658 And I am in this chat, and I are trained. 293 00:17:18,746 --> 00:17:21,996 I only have one hand to use on the phone, is clear. 294 00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:23,132 I pressed the wrong button 295 00:17:23,208 --> 00:17:26,918 and I printed the whole conversation in the living room... 296 00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:29,384 Seven-page PDF file. 297 00:17:33,093 --> 00:17:35,103 Obviously too, Because I just put in fresh ink. 298 00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:36,559 It's very easy to read. 299 00:17:38,974 --> 00:17:43,524 And with a terrible coincidence, he needed a printer the next morning, 300 00:17:43,604 --> 00:17:46,274 Because he was studying in college at that time. 301 00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:47,816 He is very advanced for his age. 302 00:17:50,944 --> 00:17:54,664 So, he pulled out this conversation from the printer, 303 00:17:54,740 --> 00:18:00,040 and the paper he wrote, and he left for class with this. 304 00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:04,790 And this is really the truth. Thank God he didn't hand it over. 305 00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:06,285 Because he's crazy. 306 00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:09,876 I'm sure he must have woken me up by putting a knife in my stomach He won't... 307 00:18:09,963 --> 00:18:11,093 But it will be a funny joke. There are no funny parts. 308 00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:14,183 That would be a very clever joke If he handed it over, and I would have been... 309 00:18:14,259 --> 00:18:17,405 "I got A. He got C. Hei-oh!" 310 00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:19,719 311 00:18:25,395 --> 00:18:27,395 The truth itself is not funny. This is just sad. 312 00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:29,611 The way he plays is he reads the text, 313 00:18:29,691 --> 00:18:31,571 and he feels really betrayed, and he cries. 314 00:18:31,652 --> 00:18:32,652 [taunting crying] 315 00:18:32,736 --> 00:18:33,736 Do you know? 316 00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:38,491 That's what I will do. I'm going to jazz with one of them. 317 00:18:38,575 --> 00:18:40,405 "Got a lot..." do you know? 318 00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:43,908 But I regret it. 319 00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:47,497 You must be very careful about what you say and what you put in the text, 320 00:18:47,584 --> 00:18:50,754 because of this day and age, whatever you do Can you damn your life You must be very scared of every text you send, 321 00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:53,008 322 00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:56,180 every dirty image you send, everything you use on Snapchat 323 00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:59,140 I mean, I will tell you which has been hit for privacy. 324 00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:01,391 Hulk Hogan does more for privacy rather than annoying politicians who have done it in the last ten years 325 00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:04,353 Because he demanded Gawker not to exist. 326 00:19:04,434 --> 00:19:06,944 And that is a very big thing. You know the story. 327 00:19:07,020 --> 00:19:09,190 The Hulk is screwing the woman. He did not know he was filmed. 328 00:19:09,273 --> 00:19:12,823 And Gawker, I think, posted a link there, and he said it ruined his life. 329 00:19:12,901 --> 00:19:18,121 I think there is racist language or something. 330 00:19:18,198 --> 00:19:20,908 331 00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:23,583 I thought at that time, Brooke was dating a black man, 332 00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:26,372 and I don't think the Hulk is too happy. 333 00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:29,999 And apparently he said the word "negro" Many times 334 00:19:30,085 --> 00:19:32,165 The dog that Bounty Hunter hung up on on him 335 00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:39,509 So, WWE fired him, and he said it ruined his life. 336 00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:40,595 But I will be honest. 337 00:19:40,679 --> 00:19:42,657 I am a bigger fan of Hulk Hogan now than I have never 338 00:19:42,681 --> 00:19:44,771 Did you see a chicken at Hulk Hogan? 339 00:19:45,934 --> 00:19:47,774 I ran out and bought a small yellow headband. 340 00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:49,403 I'm a hulkamaniac 341 00:19:50,772 --> 00:19:53,532 Jesus Christ. I never understood why the stupid foot fell 342 00:19:53,609 --> 00:19:55,359 is an effective finishing step. 343 00:20:01,992 --> 00:20:03,872 But now I'm just amazed to be killed 344 00:20:03,952 --> 00:20:06,542 with the civil war cannon tied to his feet "I will tear your bastard apart, brother!" 345 00:20:08,415 --> 00:20:10,135 Thank you. That's my Hulk Hogan. 346 00:20:12,294 --> 00:20:13,574 That's what you do if you can't do it an impression of being a comedian. 347 00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:15,732 You are just jazz with funny moves. Are you like Christopher Walken? 348 00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:18,336 "Oh, you know, my watch, Ow!" 349 00:20:18,425 --> 00:20:20,715 You named someone, I will do it. I don't care I do good 350 00:20:23,347 --> 00:20:26,057 I thought you would name someone. Well. 351 00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:30,070 [woman] Oprah! 352 00:20:31,438 --> 00:20:32,558 353 00:20:32,648 --> 00:20:36,398 Oprah? Worst guess ever. 354 00:20:38,528 --> 00:20:41,198 You have to watch it. I'm in a mess I messed up that relationship, 355 00:20:41,281 --> 00:20:43,411 Because of that girl, she's dirty, man. 356 00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:45,832 He will, like, lick my ass. He is a police officer. 357 00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:48,540 Everyone likes their butts eaten. 358 00:20:48,622 --> 00:20:51,382 Don't pretend that I'm the only one who likes their ass licked. 359 00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:54,168 This is why it doesn't happen festive applause 360 00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:55,843 that donkeys are worth doing. 361 00:20:57,756 --> 00:20:59,716 Literally... No, you don't need to do it now. 362 00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:02,445 But every time someone mentions eating disorders, this is what people have to do: 363 00:21:02,469 --> 00:21:06,929 "Wait for me. Let me lower my drink and applaud the idea of seclusion." 364 00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:09,390 [applause is scattered] 365 00:21:09,476 --> 00:21:10,516 No no 366 00:21:11,436 --> 00:21:12,726 Hey. Easy. 367 00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:15,769 He will eat my ass, and he will... 368 00:21:15,857 --> 00:21:17,987 Look, here it is by making your ass lick. 369 00:21:18,068 --> 00:21:19,068 His... 370 00:21:20,404 --> 00:21:22,664 It's embarrassing to ask. 371 00:21:22,739 --> 00:21:24,425 There is nothing worse than asking for something and have a girl go, "No." Then you're embarrassed to like it. 372 00:21:24,449 --> 00:21:27,949 If you want a girl to suck your penis, You might go, "Come on, get rid of my dick." 373 00:21:28,036 --> 00:21:31,015 374 00:21:31,039 --> 00:21:33,749 And if he says no, then you can somewhat persuade him a little. 375 00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:35,254 Like, "Come on, suck my cock. 376 00:21:37,087 --> 00:21:38,457 Eh? How about that?" 377 00:21:42,509 --> 00:21:44,589 But it's a shame if you like, 378 00:21:44,678 --> 00:21:48,468 "Come on, just lick my ass a little." "Not." 379 00:21:48,557 --> 00:21:51,177 "Come on, what are you doing? Back there and eat it 380 00:21:53,186 --> 00:21:55,726 Part of the hair with a comb and slam your face there. 381 00:21:55,814 --> 00:21:57,274 What are you doing? 382 00:21:58,942 --> 00:22:01,629 You will feel like you are kissing skin head of the marathon runner. 383 00:22:01,653 --> 00:22:03,243 Go there, goose is ridiculous. " 384 00:22:08,201 --> 00:22:10,621 So, you have to signal that. 385 00:22:10,704 --> 00:22:14,174 Because you can't be shy about something if you hint. 386 00:22:14,249 --> 00:22:16,499 So, say your boyfriend _ suck your penis, 387 00:22:16,585 --> 00:22:19,295 and he pops out and he, like, licks his back. 388 00:22:19,379 --> 00:22:21,129 Exaggerating, obviously. 389 00:22:23,258 --> 00:22:26,048 What do you want, truth in comedy? Alright, so, he licked... 390 00:22:32,476 --> 00:22:35,436 "What did he do? Did he seal an envelope 391 00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:38,270 or roll the joint? I don't understand." 392 00:22:43,278 --> 00:22:45,408 But if you signal something, There is no shame in it Because they can't refuse it. 393 00:22:45,489 --> 00:22:46,619 So, if your girlfriend gives you your head, You start lifting your hips... 394 00:22:46,698 --> 00:22:50,158 395 00:22:50,243 --> 00:22:52,472 just a little. and groan. A little help, like... 396 00:22:52,496 --> 00:22:53,866 [groaning] 397 00:22:55,540 --> 00:22:59,630 Your ball will slowly drag its face like a street sweeper 398 00:23:04,591 --> 00:23:06,360 Then they finally just sit on his forehead 399 00:23:06,384 --> 00:23:08,224 He looks like the Emperor of Tiberius. 400 00:23:09,888 --> 00:23:12,968 She's like, "Okay, I understand. You want your ass to lick. Understand." 401 00:23:14,059 --> 00:23:16,204 And then they always do it The little tester licks your asshole. 402 00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:17,228 Just a little... 403 00:23:18,980 --> 00:23:21,100 Have you ever licked a jerk? It's like testing a battery. 404 00:23:28,740 --> 00:23:32,240 And I will brag a little. My bitch passes with flying colors. 405 00:23:32,327 --> 00:23:37,077 My asshole like two is immaculate, _ the hairless peach. 406 00:23:37,165 --> 00:23:39,285 And that's how I described it in PlentyOfFish. 407 00:23:39,376 --> 00:23:43,706 "Two parts of the peach which are immaculate and hairless, 408 00:23:43,797 --> 00:23:45,467 are only intended for nuzzling." 409 00:23:47,801 --> 00:23:50,801 But I'm a dirty person. I'm a dirty person And it's funny. 410 00:23:50,887 --> 00:23:52,637 My entire career... for you who is familiar with me... 411 00:23:52,722 --> 00:23:54,325 I always say, "I'm a pervert." But I'm not a pervert. 412 00:23:54,349 --> 00:23:58,269 Because deviating implies You are like a victim, 413 00:23:58,353 --> 00:24:00,863 or you like to cheat people. 414 00:24:00,939 --> 00:24:02,479 And I realized recently. I don't like anyone who is vulnerable in sex. 415 00:24:02,566 --> 00:24:06,696 416 00:24:06,778 --> 00:24:09,698 I don't like drunk girls. I don't like underage girls. 417 00:24:09,781 --> 00:24:12,031 I don't have sex with children. 418 00:24:12,117 --> 00:24:13,987 And I'm not why more men Don't talk about it 419 00:24:14,077 --> 00:24:15,407 That's my best quality. 420 00:24:19,374 --> 00:24:22,478 I don't like virgins. I don't like women who have just been with some guys, 421 00:24:22,502 --> 00:24:25,523 Because it means too much for them, and I know I'm kind of bullshit. 422 00:24:25,547 --> 00:24:28,927 So, I don't want a girl to see me with love puppies, 423 00:24:29,009 --> 00:24:31,639 just kiss it like, "You are very special. 424 00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,430 Do you love me too? Oh my God. I am very happy." 425 00:24:34,514 --> 00:24:37,394 I want a girl to see my cock and leave, "Ugh, I hope it's black," 426 00:24:37,475 --> 00:24:39,435 and then blow the snot rocket on it. 427 00:24:50,071 --> 00:24:52,781 Jared Fogle is a pervert. 428 00:24:52,866 --> 00:24:55,076 How do you mess up Subway support? 429 00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:58,750 Jared's whole work is to lift the big and fat pants. 430 00:24:58,830 --> 00:25:00,120 That's the job. 431 00:25:01,374 --> 00:25:04,544 What he has to do to stay really rich: Don't get fat, don't make love with children. 432 00:25:04,628 --> 00:25:05,958 How difficult is that? 433 00:25:07,130 --> 00:25:08,550 I can do that in my sleep. 434 00:25:08,632 --> 00:25:11,012 If you just say it to yourself on the way out the door... 435 00:25:11,092 --> 00:25:13,762 "Don't get fat and don't make love with children. Don't get fat 436 00:25:14,512 --> 00:25:18,022 don't make love with children Don't get fat, don't kill children." 437 00:25:22,062 --> 00:25:23,862 But it's amazing how many people... 438 00:25:23,939 --> 00:25:26,649 You realize their sexual behavior is very messy 439 00:25:26,733 --> 00:25:29,283 Obviously, Cosby. I like the new reason now. 440 00:25:29,361 --> 00:25:31,911 "I can't do the rape. I'm blind now." 441 00:25:31,988 --> 00:25:33,278 Oh, that's how it works. 442 00:25:35,408 --> 00:25:38,368 And I feel very bad for his wife, Nelson Mandela. 443 00:25:39,788 --> 00:25:40,828 Jesus. 444 00:25:47,545 --> 00:25:49,505 But you know Cosby is guilty of when Oprah... 445 00:25:49,589 --> 00:25:51,299 Oprah. You got me on fucking Oprah. 446 00:25:55,303 --> 00:25:58,523 You know Cosby was guilty of doing it. Whoopi Goldberg stopped defending himself. 447 00:25:58,598 --> 00:26:01,688 Whoopi defends him for years, and finally he has to... 448 00:26:01,768 --> 00:26:03,412 But first, what happened to Whoopi Goldberg? 449 00:26:03,436 --> 00:26:05,936 He looks like a KRS-One now. What happened to him? 450 00:26:13,154 --> 00:26:16,244 And many of these women... This is what tells you that he did it. 451 00:26:16,324 --> 00:26:18,294 Many women are in their 70s, 452 00:26:18,368 --> 00:26:20,498 And the 70-year-old woman didn't lie about rape 453 00:26:20,578 --> 00:26:22,708 I am not saying that young women are liars, 454 00:26:22,789 --> 00:26:24,869 But the woman is old Don't ever talk about sex 455 00:26:24,958 --> 00:26:26,248 They don't lie about sex. 456 00:26:26,334 --> 00:26:28,754 A seventy year old woman lies about other nonsense 457 00:26:28,837 --> 00:26:31,337 "My grandson called." 458 00:26:35,260 --> 00:26:37,680 "Fuck, liar, no, no. That's the wrong number, and you hold it on the phone for an hour and a half. 459 00:26:38,930 --> 00:26:42,230 You lied to the old bag!" 460 00:26:42,309 --> 00:26:44,139 But you try to find something good in all things 461 00:26:48,940 --> 00:26:51,900 And the beautiful thing about the relationship ends 462 00:26:51,985 --> 00:26:54,565 is that it forces me to start working out Because I know I will have to meet women again 463 00:26:54,654 --> 00:26:56,364 And I lost a lot of weight. 464 00:26:56,448 --> 00:26:58,426 465 00:26:58,450 --> 00:26:59,780 466 00:26:59,868 --> 00:27:02,448 Has anyone lost weight? recent years? 467 00:27:02,537 --> 00:27:03,957 How much weight is lost? 468 00:27:04,831 --> 00:27:07,381 [man] I lost 100 pounds. I lost 100 pounds. 469 00:27:07,459 --> 00:27:09,289 What? You lost 100 pounds? 470 00:27:09,377 --> 00:27:11,617 Gosh. What, do you drown your girlfriend? What happened? 471 00:27:17,969 --> 00:27:20,559 - How do you lose 100 pounds? - I did not succeed. I only... 472 00:27:20,638 --> 00:27:23,268 You don't work? Come on. Do you mean that is natural? 473 00:27:26,686 --> 00:27:28,998 That's like I said, "I don't play for the Lakers." 474 00:27:29,022 --> 00:27:30,362 Not bad luck, stupid 475 00:27:33,026 --> 00:27:35,736 When you start losing weight, this is the problem 476 00:27:35,820 --> 00:27:38,160 One hundred pounds, congratulations. It was incredible 477 00:27:38,239 --> 00:27:40,369 Oh yeah. Give him a hand. 478 00:27:44,329 --> 00:27:46,709 The strange thing is, I lost about 30 pounds for years, 479 00:27:46,790 --> 00:27:48,250 and when you start losing weight, 480 00:27:48,333 --> 00:27:51,923 five or six or the first ten pounds, People like, "Wow, you look great." 481 00:27:52,003 --> 00:27:56,593 But after you lose, like, 15 pounds, people don't know how to respond 482 00:27:56,674 --> 00:27:58,684 Twenty kilograms, they are like, "Uh... 483 00:28:00,011 --> 00:28:04,271 Have you ever dieted, or did Charlie Sheen bleed in your mouth?" 484 00:28:10,563 --> 00:28:12,653 Can you joke around with Charlie? 485 00:28:12,732 --> 00:28:16,362 Was anyone surprised when he announced it he was HIV-positive no. 486 00:28:16,444 --> 00:28:17,614 I like Charlie Sheen, 487 00:28:17,695 --> 00:28:20,365 But that's how you know You've lived a beautiful AIDS life... 488 00:28:21,241 --> 00:28:23,951 If you are famous, and you are like, "I am HIV-positive," 489 00:28:24,035 --> 00:28:26,195 and the whole country is like, "Okay, I hope so." 490 00:28:28,456 --> 00:28:29,706 For Pete's sake. 491 00:28:31,835 --> 00:28:36,255 I have to be honest Charlie's HIV diagnosis really scared me. 492 00:28:36,339 --> 00:28:38,759 It really shook me because... 493 00:28:38,842 --> 00:28:41,592 I don't know Charlie. We have never met, never hang out. 494 00:28:41,678 --> 00:28:42,888 But that just rocked me, 495 00:28:42,971 --> 00:28:45,141 and I started thinking about my sexual behavior 496 00:28:45,223 --> 00:28:47,483 Even though we've never met, Charlie and I have sex 497 00:28:47,559 --> 00:28:50,599 with, I think, the same four people. 498 00:28:50,687 --> 00:28:53,057 And there is only one I can mention in public 499 00:28:53,148 --> 00:28:55,148 because he and I have discussed it openly, 500 00:28:55,233 --> 00:28:56,669 and I don't want to go out. 501 00:28:56,693 --> 00:28:59,743 But for years on the radio, we will interview Bree Olson. 502 00:28:59,821 --> 00:29:01,741 Bree will enter If you don't know Bree, 503 00:29:01,823 --> 00:29:03,663 She's a pretty blonde porn star. 504 00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:06,702 She's fun. She is really sexy, and whenever she is on our show, 505 00:29:06,786 --> 00:29:08,156 he always flirts with me He will always be like, "I like you. You are very cute." 506 00:29:08,246 --> 00:29:10,266 And I'm always like, "Yes yes." 507 00:29:10,290 --> 00:29:11,930 508 00:29:11,958 --> 00:29:14,378 Because I think he only did it for radio 509 00:29:14,461 --> 00:29:17,131 He might think, "This person blew me," 510 00:29:17,213 --> 00:29:20,633 But in the meantime, I have no pride. I'm just like, "Oh, come on." 511 00:29:21,593 --> 00:29:24,572 He thinks I'm too cold for that room. Meanwhile, I feel like an Elephant Man 512 00:29:24,596 --> 00:29:27,176 When he wears a tuxedo in front of a tall British community. 513 00:29:27,265 --> 00:29:30,555 [slurring] "Everyone is very nice!" 514 00:29:35,815 --> 00:29:40,105 But one day, the publicist said to me, "No, Bree actually likes you. 515 00:29:40,195 --> 00:29:41,645 He's not joking." 516 00:29:41,738 --> 00:29:47,118 And whatever cool and detached attitude I have built up yawning. 517 00:29:47,202 --> 00:29:50,252 I was at the Bree hotel in less than an hour. Like, really... 518 00:29:50,330 --> 00:29:51,790 "Hi!" 519 00:29:53,124 --> 00:29:56,594 It's close to damn, You know... peephole. 520 00:29:56,669 --> 00:29:59,229 Do you think my face is unpleasant now? Look through the hole. 521 00:29:59,297 --> 00:30:00,467 It's just fucking... 522 00:30:02,342 --> 00:30:03,802 half a month is stupid 523 00:30:03,885 --> 00:30:06,095 And we messed up. And I have to be honest. 524 00:30:06,179 --> 00:30:09,969 This is one of the most annoying sexual experiences I've ever experienced. 525 00:30:10,058 --> 00:30:11,308 That's beautiful. 526 00:30:11,392 --> 00:30:14,102 And I don't think that he enjoyed it as much as... 527 00:30:15,188 --> 00:30:16,688 Because he will never do it again. 528 00:30:16,773 --> 00:30:19,668 I tried years to make it happen again. I will text him, "What are you doing?" 529 00:30:19,692 --> 00:30:21,532 He will reply, "Anything but sleeping with you?" 530 00:30:21,611 --> 00:30:22,701 That's just... 531 00:30:24,864 --> 00:30:26,914 I think I blew it. Allow me to ask you, 532 00:30:26,991 --> 00:30:29,291 Is this a turn-off to say "I love you" too fast? 533 00:30:30,119 --> 00:30:32,249 Alright, let me ask the woman. Is that a turn-off 534 00:30:32,330 --> 00:30:35,380 if you first made love to a guy, when he put it in, 535 00:30:35,458 --> 00:30:38,088 she muttered, "I love you, I love you, I love you," 536 00:30:38,169 --> 00:30:40,709 and crying on your face? Is that a turn-off? 537 00:30:42,966 --> 00:30:45,926 And I'm talking to a friend of mine. He is like, "Do you use a condom?" 538 00:30:46,010 --> 00:30:48,850 I like, "What funny question? No, stupid I'm not 539 00:30:48,930 --> 00:30:52,020 When you enter Lamborghini, You don't wear a body bag, do you?" 540 00:30:59,399 --> 00:31:02,359 I will not use a condom if I look inside her vagina 541 00:31:02,443 --> 00:31:04,993 and see Magic Johnson waving at me. 542 00:31:17,250 --> 00:31:20,340 So, if so, you are fast moving forward. We have sex. He went to LA. 543 00:31:20,420 --> 00:31:22,090 He dated Charlie Sheen at one point. 544 00:31:22,171 --> 00:31:25,131 Then suddenly, Charlie comes out and announces that he is HIV-positive. 545 00:31:25,216 --> 00:31:26,443 So, I just retreated a little. 546 00:31:26,467 --> 00:31:29,007 I was like, "Oh, no, did I get all the balls rolling? 547 00:31:31,681 --> 00:31:34,271 Oh, no, I gave AIDS for men from the Platoon. But fortunately, Bree Olson has been tested several times. 548 00:31:34,350 --> 00:31:35,770 He doesn't have HIV. He is really negative, 549 00:31:37,562 --> 00:31:41,072 which means I'm HIV-negative. 550 00:31:41,149 --> 00:31:44,359 Yes, that's how I did the AIDS test. 551 00:31:44,444 --> 00:31:46,704 I'm too panicked to go to the doctor, 552 00:31:47,697 --> 00:31:49,567 so I just made love to girls and then saw it in a year, 553 00:31:51,993 --> 00:31:54,123 and you know... 554 00:31:54,203 --> 00:31:56,253 "Hi how are you?" 555 00:31:56,331 --> 00:31:57,421 "I'm great." "Make us both." 556 00:31:58,666 --> 00:32:00,286 557 00:32:00,376 --> 00:32:02,246 558 00:32:07,091 --> 00:32:08,341 He has the power to smile. 559 00:32:08,426 --> 00:32:10,716 That's six months without rubber for that child 560 00:32:18,269 --> 00:32:21,359 And it's difficult for me to meet people, to be really honest with you, 561 00:32:21,439 --> 00:32:24,529 because I have talked about myself so much public. 562 00:32:24,609 --> 00:32:27,109 People know so much about me, and nothing is secret. 563 00:32:27,195 --> 00:32:29,855 Anyone who knows me knows I like transgender girls That's not new information. 564 00:32:29,948 --> 00:32:31,658 And if yes, well, now you have it. 565 00:32:31,741 --> 00:32:33,831 But it's very funny. The whole country, like, trans-crazy, 566 00:32:35,328 --> 00:32:38,328 and we are really obsessed with it, 567 00:32:38,414 --> 00:32:39,767 568 00:32:39,791 --> 00:32:41,831 and it's very funny how when new things happen 569 00:32:41,918 --> 00:32:44,458 or be in the lexicon, 570 00:32:44,545 --> 00:32:46,755 You can't joke about it on TV. 571 00:32:46,839 --> 00:32:48,679 I tried to do a Caitlyn Jenner joke, 572 00:32:48,758 --> 00:32:50,888 and the network says, "Oh, there's no transition joke." 573 00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:52,404 I like, "This isn't even a meaningful joke." 574 00:32:52,428 --> 00:32:54,031 They are like, "Yeah, but we don't like it. 575 00:32:54,055 --> 00:32:55,765 They're already marginalized." 576 00:32:55,848 --> 00:32:57,743 I'm like, "Look, just because you've been marginalized 577 00:32:57,767 --> 00:33:00,307 doesn't mean you were deleted from the humor spectrum 578 00:33:00,395 --> 00:33:01,475 like everyone else." 579 00:33:01,562 --> 00:33:06,152 That's not even a meaningful joke. First, the network cancels the reality show. 580 00:33:06,234 --> 00:33:08,244 How bad your reality show is When you are in the Wheaties box, You are now a woman, 581 00:33:08,319 --> 00:33:10,569 You are a Kardashian, You killed someone driving, 582 00:33:10,655 --> 00:33:12,905 and the network is running, "This is boring. Nothing has happened to talk about?" 583 00:33:12,991 --> 00:33:16,031 And I think Hollywood means good. Their hearts are in the right place. 584 00:33:23,126 --> 00:33:26,206 But it's a little fake. Some of them are just a little fake. 585 00:33:26,295 --> 00:33:29,295 Do you know how they can't talk about Caitlyn without saying how beautiful she is? 586 00:33:29,382 --> 00:33:32,512 587 00:33:32,593 --> 00:33:34,803 "Have you ever seen how beautiful Caitlyn is?" 588 00:33:35,805 --> 00:33:36,925 No. 589 00:33:38,558 --> 00:33:40,638 He looks like a gypsy from Thinner. 590 00:33:49,027 --> 00:33:50,027 But it's very funny. 591 00:33:50,820 --> 00:33:54,370 Not one of these thoughts, progressive celebrities who always uses the right pronoun, 592 00:33:54,449 --> 00:33:56,779 None of them claimed to have sex with a transgender girl, 593 00:33:56,868 --> 00:33:59,748 to watch trans porn, to be attracted to trans women. 594 00:33:59,829 --> 00:34:02,919 Not one of them. That supports. 595 00:34:02,999 --> 00:34:06,169 Don't tell me what words to use. Do you want to support a young woman? 596 00:34:06,252 --> 00:34:09,052 597 00:34:16,471 --> 00:34:19,721 Don't tell me what to joke about until You've been lying in bed with a sick bastard. 598 00:34:19,807 --> 00:34:21,307 mumbles, "who am I?" 599 00:34:24,979 --> 00:34:26,019 You've brushed your teeth 600 00:34:26,105 --> 00:34:28,515 and shout "gay" in the mirror for half an hour? 601 00:34:30,068 --> 00:34:31,108 I have. 602 00:34:38,159 --> 00:34:40,999 And I know why they don't talk about it. I know why they don't want to admit it. 603 00:34:41,037 --> 00:34:42,639 Because they don't know if it makes you gay 604 00:34:42,663 --> 00:34:44,516 "If I have sex with a trans girl, what does it make..." 605 00:34:44,540 --> 00:34:47,380 That doesn't make you gay has sex with trans girls But even so, I will tell you. I do not care 606 00:34:53,174 --> 00:34:55,724 607 00:34:55,802 --> 00:34:58,642 But I understand why some people think that. 608 00:34:58,721 --> 00:35:01,601 We cannot be pro-trans or politically correct that we forget different opinions will appear. 609 00:35:01,682 --> 00:35:04,642 Open and honest conversation doesn't mean 610 00:35:04,727 --> 00:35:06,937 that you only turn off someone when they say unpleasant nonsense 611 00:35:07,021 --> 00:35:09,981 I understand why some people consider it gay. But not. Until you have done it... 612 00:35:10,066 --> 00:35:13,606 Like, when you kiss, This is feminine energy. 613 00:35:13,694 --> 00:35:15,664 This is not masculine energy, or it will not change me. 614 00:35:15,738 --> 00:35:18,278 Breasts are usually fake, but what do you do? 615 00:35:18,366 --> 00:35:21,036 616 00:35:21,119 --> 00:35:23,138 Every stripper I've ever loved has fake breasts 617 00:35:23,162 --> 00:35:25,849 It never leaves me. I never threw a girl out of the Champagne Room. 618 00:35:25,873 --> 00:35:28,043 "Beat with enlarged chest, Mistress!" 619 00:35:30,837 --> 00:35:32,457 You know, then the skirt appears. 620 00:35:33,297 --> 00:35:34,587 Alright. 621 00:35:35,466 --> 00:35:37,086 This is a big clitoris. 622 00:35:39,762 --> 00:35:42,182 But what, will I be rude to my guest? Come here. 623 00:35:42,265 --> 00:35:44,095 [snoring] 624 00:35:44,183 --> 00:35:45,643 [sounds popping] 625 00:35:48,354 --> 00:35:50,154 Just look at breasts, that's all. 626 00:35:50,231 --> 00:35:51,959 If you are new to the game, see breasts. 627 00:35:51,983 --> 00:35:54,153 "Oh, I love him so much, I love him." 628 00:35:54,235 --> 00:35:56,735 If this is your first time on a rodeo, don't look at your feet 629 00:35:56,821 --> 00:35:58,111 That will put the whammy on you. 630 00:36:01,659 --> 00:36:04,289 "Oh, no, the foot scored 13 points in the fourth quarter. 631 00:36:04,370 --> 00:36:05,710 I'm gay." 632 00:36:05,788 --> 00:36:07,078 [snoring] 633 00:36:11,752 --> 00:36:16,222 And it's funny too... I've talked to many trans girls about... 634 00:36:16,299 --> 00:36:19,009 A girl told me that, is only to feel feminine like a child, 635 00:36:19,093 --> 00:36:21,393 He used to wear his mother's underwear. 636 00:36:21,470 --> 00:36:22,890 Wow. 637 00:36:22,972 --> 00:36:25,932 That affected me. I mean, your mom's panties. 638 00:36:26,017 --> 00:36:29,307 I don't care about your gender. Are there worse things at home... 639 00:36:30,479 --> 00:36:33,189 rather than your mother's underwear? 640 00:36:33,274 --> 00:36:34,793 I will not touch my mother's panties if he hangs a bridge with his underwear 641 00:36:34,817 --> 00:36:37,527 Maybe I'll blow a kiss and then step on the bad finger. 642 00:36:39,739 --> 00:36:43,449 Have you ever seen your mother's underwear? on the floor? 643 00:36:46,162 --> 00:36:48,056 You have to take a stick and tap them under the dressing table. 644 00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:50,330 Can you imagine putting them on? 645 00:36:51,792 --> 00:36:54,132 I prefer to use my father's former condom on my nose like aardvark. 646 00:36:54,212 --> 00:36:57,512 I saw a pair of my mom's underwear when I was little Thank God they are not sexy at all. 647 00:37:06,807 --> 00:37:09,437 648 00:37:09,518 --> 00:37:12,768 649 00:37:12,855 --> 00:37:15,065 I feel bad for any kids who have hot mothers 650 00:37:15,149 --> 00:37:16,729 which all of his friends want to make love. 651 00:37:16,817 --> 00:37:20,447 We all have one friend, Everyone wants to make love with his mother. 652 00:37:20,529 --> 00:37:22,949 And it must be terrible to find your mother's underwear, 653 00:37:23,032 --> 00:37:26,332 and it's just a pair of boy shorts with a small arrow in the back. 654 00:37:26,410 --> 00:37:27,660 Like, "Ugh. Oh no. Mom has three signs." 655 00:37:27,745 --> 00:37:29,865 My mom's underwear is terrible. 656 00:37:33,209 --> 00:37:34,839 They start in the middle of the chest. 657 00:37:34,919 --> 00:37:37,259 They end right above the knee. 658 00:37:37,338 --> 00:37:39,048 It looks like an androgynous swimsuit in the Empire Boardwalk. 659 00:37:39,131 --> 00:37:41,611 660 00:37:41,676 --> 00:37:43,296 That's what you want your mother... 661 00:37:44,345 --> 00:37:46,698 If you see your mother in her underwear, You want to start thinking, 662 00:37:46,722 --> 00:37:49,352 "♪ Hello, gal I ragtime ♪" 663 00:37:51,435 --> 00:37:53,935 You don't want to think about your parents sexually at all You know your parents make love because we all live, 664 00:37:54,021 --> 00:37:56,111 so we prove it. 665 00:37:56,190 --> 00:37:57,230 But my parents told me, Like, when I asked about it, 666 00:37:57,316 --> 00:38:00,236 they said, "We only make love because we want to create you 667 00:38:00,319 --> 00:38:02,949 and we want to make your sister Tracy. That's the only reason." 668 00:38:03,030 --> 00:38:05,670 669 00:38:05,741 --> 00:38:09,081 So, they make it look like it's pure something they suffer 670 00:38:09,161 --> 00:38:10,291 to make me 671 00:38:11,372 --> 00:38:13,052 That's how all of you see to your parents You don't even want to think about your mother 672 00:38:13,124 --> 00:38:14,351 Types of drunkenness in bed go away, "Come fast!" 673 00:38:14,375 --> 00:38:17,835 And your father left, "You're not even wet!" 674 00:38:19,839 --> 00:38:23,009 And he left, "That's my jerk, stupid!" 675 00:38:24,176 --> 00:38:27,256 And he is not hard. He has a brush dick. 676 00:38:29,682 --> 00:38:31,482 You don't want to think of your father with a brush dick. 677 00:38:31,559 --> 00:38:34,039 It seems like the snail tried to enter the aquarium. 678 00:38:38,524 --> 00:38:40,944 You don't want to imagine your mother going, "wait a minute 679 00:38:45,906 --> 00:38:48,526 Speed up." 680 00:38:48,617 --> 00:38:49,867 681 00:38:58,669 --> 00:39:01,349 I'll give you everything to put your parents in that mind, 682 00:39:01,422 --> 00:39:05,382 Like I have to do every time I tell that stupid joke. 683 00:39:07,636 --> 00:39:10,096 But it's very funny how we don't think of them like that. 684 00:39:10,181 --> 00:39:12,181 And I grew up in a fairly conservative environment... 685 00:39:12,266 --> 00:39:15,096 I don't know how I turned to monsters like that 686 00:39:15,186 --> 00:39:16,806 growing in a conservative house 687 00:39:16,896 --> 00:39:19,396 Does anyone have an type of open minded parent 688 00:39:19,482 --> 00:39:21,585 who will talk to you about sex? Does anyone have an old man like that? 689 00:39:21,609 --> 00:39:23,069 - [man] yes - Who said "yes"? 690 00:39:23,152 --> 00:39:25,547 You nod. How old are you when your parents talk to you about sex? 691 00:39:25,571 --> 00:39:27,491 - thirteen - thirteen? 692 00:39:27,573 --> 00:39:30,243 - They broke it hard. - They broke it hard? 693 00:39:31,243 --> 00:39:32,503 How do they break it for you? 694 00:39:32,578 --> 00:39:35,998 They just straight up told me, "This is what happened, that's it." 695 00:39:36,082 --> 00:39:38,962 They immediately said, "This how did this happen, and that's it? 696 00:39:40,378 --> 00:39:42,458 And when you were 13 years old, you didn't know... 697 00:39:43,381 --> 00:39:45,051 Oh, no, what else did they say? 698 00:39:45,132 --> 00:39:48,302 " And we are people who put their presents under the tree. " 699 00:39:53,140 --> 00:39:55,410 Have you ever caught them having sex? Who has ever caught your parents? 700 00:39:55,434 --> 00:39:56,524 [woman] Oh, I did. 701 00:39:56,602 --> 00:39:59,232 - There are always partners. - I did it. 702 00:39:59,313 --> 00:40:01,041 - Who is the woman who says, "I do"? - I did it. 703 00:40:01,065 --> 00:40:02,065 Hello Miss. 704 00:40:06,779 --> 00:40:09,239 - They talked about it with me... - Wait a minute. 705 00:40:09,323 --> 00:40:11,333 You panic I feel like... 706 00:40:11,409 --> 00:40:13,409 He has waited 30 years for someone to ask him, 707 00:40:13,452 --> 00:40:14,932 "Have they ever talked to you about that?" 708 00:40:17,415 --> 00:40:18,495 Hold. 709 00:40:19,875 --> 00:40:21,665 How old are you when you see them? 710 00:40:23,129 --> 00:40:24,799 [woman] I tried to block it. 711 00:40:24,880 --> 00:40:28,050 Have you tried to block it... I only asked in general. About how old is 712 00:40:28,134 --> 00:40:30,304 [woman] I don't know I think, roughly, about ten or more. 713 00:40:30,386 --> 00:40:32,426 About ten. What did you do at that time? 714 00:40:32,513 --> 00:40:34,683 - Are you home? - Yes, I have a bad dream. 715 00:40:34,765 --> 00:40:36,410 - I entered their room - You have a nightmare. 716 00:40:36,434 --> 00:40:38,774 Oh, Christ. Then you walk into a nightmare That's good. 717 00:40:45,192 --> 00:40:47,402 That's the last thing you need after a nightmare 718 00:40:47,486 --> 00:40:49,406 "Oh, I dreamed there was a ghost under my bed 719 00:40:49,488 --> 00:40:50,608 Oh, that's great." 720 00:40:53,993 --> 00:40:54,993 Now, you enter 721 00:40:55,077 --> 00:40:56,747 - Are they in the bedroom? - Yeah. 722 00:40:56,829 --> 00:40:59,079 - Do they know that you saw them? - Yeah. 723 00:40:59,165 --> 00:41:00,934 Yes they did it. Did they talk to you about it after? 724 00:41:00,958 --> 00:41:03,708 It's clear. No, my father asked me if I want hot chocolate 725 00:41:03,794 --> 00:41:05,804 Ask your father If you want hot chocolate. 726 00:41:08,591 --> 00:41:11,051 Oh no. They are suffering from anus. Oh no. 727 00:41:15,806 --> 00:41:18,426 Now that's what you need after you catch your damn parents. 728 00:41:18,517 --> 00:41:19,977 "Aah!" [sound pops up] 729 00:41:20,060 --> 00:41:21,310 "Let's buy cocoa." 730 00:41:27,610 --> 00:41:29,450 Now, okay, so you have hot chocolate, 731 00:41:29,528 --> 00:41:31,548 and they told me about what happened and what was that? 732 00:41:31,572 --> 00:41:35,412 No. Like, my parents... I know what happened when I entered. 733 00:41:35,493 --> 00:41:38,305 You know what it is when you enter Some people just don't talk about it. 734 00:41:38,329 --> 00:41:40,959 It's just that there is no eye contact on the breakfast table until the age of 18 years. 735 00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:42,920 Like, "Do you want milk for your Cheerios?" 736 00:41:43,000 --> 00:41:45,080 "No, I'll just cut it with a fork and knife." 737 00:41:47,505 --> 00:41:49,649 I know you don't want to think about it I understand. 738 00:41:49,673 --> 00:41:50,803 What position... 739 00:41:53,093 --> 00:41:54,473 do they enter 740 00:41:55,471 --> 00:41:57,681 Depends, will this be displayed? Will they know? 741 00:41:57,765 --> 00:42:00,595 Will it be aired? Not! 742 00:42:00,684 --> 00:42:02,564 No! 743 00:42:03,604 --> 00:42:04,774 No. 744 00:42:05,940 --> 00:42:06,980 No. 745 00:42:07,900 --> 00:42:10,530 Why do we air on Netflix specifically? 746 00:42:12,613 --> 00:42:14,533 Wow. Someone is not very observant. 747 00:42:14,615 --> 00:42:16,865 What do you think that is? 748 00:42:16,951 --> 00:42:20,251 Do you think it's LeBron James's arm? Take a selfie? 749 00:42:27,836 --> 00:42:30,676 Yes, so, we don't know who you are, we don't know who your parents are What position? 750 00:42:30,714 --> 00:42:32,054 - Oh, you're really waiting... - I'm really waiting Of course. 751 00:42:36,011 --> 00:42:39,311 Please. Do you think that just jumps for no reason? 752 00:42:39,390 --> 00:42:42,140 It doesn't drip onto my feet for nothing, lover. 753 00:42:45,020 --> 00:42:47,360 754 00:42:49,567 --> 00:42:53,817 - I don't know It's normal, normal. - Regular. Missionary Okay, cool. 755 00:42:53,904 --> 00:42:56,414 Are Mom's legs wrapping Dad? 756 00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:02,037 Like, is he trying to maintain the seed? 757 00:43:02,121 --> 00:43:06,961 Or legs wide open Because Dad is drilling the vagina... 758 00:43:08,544 --> 00:43:11,884 So hard is the legs only open? 759 00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:19,470 Thank you very much for sharing it with us. 760 00:43:28,439 --> 00:43:30,792 Funny, people's reactions When they catch their parents. 761 00:43:30,816 --> 00:43:32,896 I never caught my parents, thank God, 762 00:43:32,985 --> 00:43:35,235 but you know when they're doing something 763 00:43:35,321 --> 00:43:36,965 I will always know my parents are doing something 764 00:43:36,989 --> 00:43:38,592 Because it will be in the middle in the afternoon 765 00:43:38,616 --> 00:43:40,736 and the bedroom door will be closed, 766 00:43:40,826 --> 00:43:42,156 and then you will only hear, like... 767 00:43:42,244 --> 00:43:43,914 [shrink] 768 00:43:43,996 --> 00:43:45,206 And then the story... 769 00:43:45,289 --> 00:43:46,419 [whirring] 770 00:43:46,498 --> 00:43:47,788 from Polaroid. 771 00:43:51,879 --> 00:43:53,759 [squeaks, whirs] 772 00:43:54,590 --> 00:43:57,270 And you know they're almost done because it's starting to get faster. 773 00:43:57,301 --> 00:43:58,801 And then you will hear, "My eyes are burning!" 774 00:43:58,886 --> 00:44:00,596 [whirring] 775 00:44:03,474 --> 00:44:05,524 Then your mother and three of your father's co-workers will come out of the bedroom 776 00:44:05,601 --> 00:44:07,101 But some people... Like, we talked, some parents... 777 00:44:12,983 --> 00:44:15,403 778 00:44:15,486 --> 00:44:18,316 Some parents are only open minded, and they are more liberal about that. 779 00:44:18,405 --> 00:44:21,405 My friend Scott knows where his mother's dildo collection is. 780 00:44:22,117 --> 00:44:24,747 And we do not handle that information responsibly As a ten year old child, Once his parents leave home, 781 00:44:26,705 --> 00:44:29,495 we will take a dildo, start fighting with them. 782 00:44:29,583 --> 00:44:32,293 We will try to chase him and push them into his mouth. 783 00:44:33,629 --> 00:44:36,419 I put it in my mouth. I have to pretend I don't like it. 784 00:44:41,762 --> 00:44:44,199 "Just cut it, friend!" 785 00:44:44,223 --> 00:44:45,313 [moans] 786 00:44:45,391 --> 00:44:46,851 We used to throw them at the cat... 787 00:44:49,812 --> 00:44:51,482 788 00:44:53,023 --> 00:44:56,073 which I won't do now, But in 1979, it was the Xbox. 789 00:44:56,151 --> 00:44:57,491 That's all we have. 790 00:44:58,946 --> 00:45:02,066 And I hope I have an iPhone right away. What great videos will happen, 791 00:45:02,157 --> 00:45:04,077 only cats under the sofa with their ears back, 792 00:45:04,159 --> 00:45:05,869 hiss on the stack of dildos. 793 00:45:05,953 --> 00:45:07,623 [hiss] 794 00:45:10,749 --> 00:45:12,789 And her mother must be wondering why are all her dilemmas 795 00:45:12,876 --> 00:45:15,246 have scratches and hair dye on them. 796 00:45:16,422 --> 00:45:18,422 He might catch the cat and hit his face. 797 00:45:18,507 --> 00:45:20,507 "What did you do with my dildo?" 798 00:45:26,348 --> 00:45:28,388 I don't know if my mother has dildo to this day. 799 00:45:28,475 --> 00:45:30,385 I am in my 40s. I have no idea. 800 00:45:30,477 --> 00:45:33,187 When my parents died, I won't pass their bullshit. 801 00:45:33,272 --> 00:45:36,862 I'll just take the dressing table and kick it to the front page. 802 00:45:37,693 --> 00:45:40,203 Let homeless people take whatever they want Maybe I'll look out the window and see a homeless person running away with what is hopefully a small white dildo. 803 00:45:40,279 --> 00:45:42,879 That's all you can expect. 804 00:45:42,948 --> 00:45:46,448 You definitely don't want to see it from over-the-shoulder work. 805 00:45:46,535 --> 00:45:47,865 Bouncing on the front and back. 806 00:45:48,704 --> 00:45:52,124 With two heads on it. "Oh, ma'am." 807 00:45:58,046 --> 00:46:01,086 Or "Oh, Mom and Dad. 808 00:46:01,175 --> 00:46:03,425 809 00:46:04,803 --> 00:46:06,853 810 00:46:08,223 --> 00:46:10,353 Oh no. Mom and Dad are ordering books. " 811 00:46:16,940 --> 00:46:19,150 Yes, they are ordinary people. 812 00:46:19,234 --> 00:46:22,204 And I turned into a bag of dirt and dirty people, 813 00:46:22,279 --> 00:46:25,319 and I just... I don't know. I always antisocial. You've seen it again and realize, 814 00:46:25,407 --> 00:46:26,801 "Wow, I'm antisocial human." 815 00:46:26,825 --> 00:46:29,615 When I was 13 years old, I used to drink with my friends. 816 00:46:29,703 --> 00:46:32,003 I stopped when I was very young, But for a number of years I did it, 817 00:46:32,080 --> 00:46:34,880 I was a weirdo. like, weird. 818 00:46:34,958 --> 00:46:38,208 We used to get drunk at my friend's house, 819 00:46:38,295 --> 00:46:40,375 820 00:46:40,464 --> 00:46:42,844 and I will not do pleasant drunken things. 821 00:46:42,925 --> 00:46:45,885 I used to get drunk and went straight to the family bathroom and pee all over the sink handle 822 00:46:45,969 --> 00:46:48,679 and as in toothbrushes and on soap dishes. 823 00:46:49,556 --> 00:46:52,936 And this is the psychotic part. 824 00:46:55,062 --> 00:46:56,442 I won't even tell my other friends I've done it 825 00:46:56,522 --> 00:46:59,192 If you are young, no matter what you do to make your friends laugh it's okay. 826 00:46:59,274 --> 00:47:03,244 But I did not tell my friends. I just sit there, 827 00:47:03,320 --> 00:47:06,370 just grinning like an unlucky serial killer, 828 00:47:06,448 --> 00:47:09,368 just thinking of his family _ washing my face with my pee soap 829 00:47:10,327 --> 00:47:13,997 830 00:47:14,081 --> 00:47:16,121 Like, what is fucking creep. 831 00:47:21,129 --> 00:47:23,669 And I've talked about this before broadcast. 832 00:47:23,757 --> 00:47:28,217 That cat... I will always take the cat, and I will open his father's newspaper 833 00:47:28,303 --> 00:47:30,973 and spoon all cat litter out from the litter box 834 00:47:31,056 --> 00:47:34,516 and put it in the newspaper and then carefully roll it back 835 00:47:35,602 --> 00:47:37,852 and put it on the coffee table. 836 00:47:37,938 --> 00:47:41,358 And to this day, I still think I'm kind of a genius for doing that. 837 00:47:42,818 --> 00:47:44,858 But I have never seen the results. 838 00:47:44,945 --> 00:47:48,695 Like, if I have a time machine and I can only use it once, 839 00:47:48,782 --> 00:47:51,912 I will not save Jesus. I will not stop World War II. 840 00:47:51,994 --> 00:47:55,334 I'm going back to North Brunswick, New Jersey, in 1979 841 00:47:55,414 --> 00:47:58,214 only to see the man open the newspaper 842 00:47:59,418 --> 00:48:02,548 and look at his face as animal droppings fall on his lap. 843 00:48:04,339 --> 00:48:07,129 Do you know how many times the cat Maybe beaten with shoes? 844 00:48:08,885 --> 00:48:12,305 And the cat can't be articulated. "Really, you think I took my own nonsense 845 00:48:12,389 --> 00:48:15,849 and put it in the newspaper and rolled it carefully 846 00:48:15,934 --> 00:48:18,904 like I'm fucking hosting a prank cat event, are you stupid?" 847 00:48:21,982 --> 00:48:24,992 Have you ever had memories coming flooding back? It happens sometimes too. 848 00:48:25,068 --> 00:48:27,068 I blocked a lot of nonsense when I was young. 849 00:48:27,154 --> 00:48:29,704 And this one isn't even traumatic. That's just weird. 850 00:48:29,781 --> 00:48:33,081 I am with my friend, and we steal Star Wars characters. 851 00:48:33,160 --> 00:48:35,080 They are original Star Wars characters 852 00:48:35,162 --> 00:48:38,002 Remember them They are four inches tall, 853 00:48:38,081 --> 00:48:40,631 and some of them are worth thousands of dollars today 854 00:48:40,709 --> 00:48:42,129 because they are very rare. 855 00:48:42,210 --> 00:48:44,960 So, that is one of my best friends. He is a very nice guy. 856 00:48:45,047 --> 00:48:47,417 He has a big penis. And we are in a department... 857 00:48:47,507 --> 00:48:49,887 I say that for a reason. I don't just throw... 858 00:48:49,968 --> 00:48:52,368 That would be great if I didn't return there for any reason 859 00:48:53,263 --> 00:48:54,824 "Did he explain about his friend?" 860 00:48:54,848 --> 00:48:56,888 "No, he just threw it there and smiled." 861 00:48:58,560 --> 00:49:00,650 He's just that guy which we all know has a big penis. 862 00:49:00,729 --> 00:49:04,859 So, we wear shorts and tank tops, so we can't put our things down. 863 00:49:04,941 --> 00:49:07,741 So, we took the action figure out from the package 864 00:49:07,819 --> 00:49:10,609 and type walk to the front of the store and hide them, 865 00:49:10,697 --> 00:49:12,592 and at the end of the day, we will make a lot 866 00:49:12,616 --> 00:49:14,156 and just run out the door. 867 00:49:14,242 --> 00:49:17,662 So, security sees us at one point, takes us down 868 00:49:17,746 --> 00:49:19,515 And he said, "What are you doing?!" 869 00:49:19,539 --> 00:49:21,119 We are like, "We did nothing." 870 00:49:21,208 --> 00:49:25,128 And then he saw that bulge in my friend's pants, 871 00:49:25,212 --> 00:49:26,689 and he goes, "What did you get there?" 872 00:49:26,713 --> 00:49:29,553 Again, I know my friend has a big penis, so it doesn't surprise me 873 00:49:29,633 --> 00:49:32,403 what the security guard thinks some Chewbaccas and a Vader. 874 00:49:32,427 --> 00:49:33,547 I got it. 875 00:49:34,054 --> 00:49:38,024 He saw my shorts and knew there were no numbers stolen. 876 00:49:38,100 --> 00:49:39,140 Maybe a Yoda. 877 00:49:41,603 --> 00:49:43,164 So, my friends like it, "I have nothing." 878 00:49:43,188 --> 00:49:45,228 And the security guard left, "Let me see." 879 00:49:45,315 --> 00:49:47,645 So, my friend pulled his shorts aside, 880 00:49:47,734 --> 00:49:51,824 and this gift from Ayam Gulung came out. 881 00:49:51,905 --> 00:49:53,865 Have you ever seen a chicken roll? 882 00:49:53,949 --> 00:49:57,039 It feels like watching Time-flower photography of flowers. 883 00:50:00,038 --> 00:50:03,538 It feels like watching cinnamon bread the opposite, about how it's made 884 00:50:04,876 --> 00:50:08,376 It's actually made, like, a little noisy. 885 00:50:08,463 --> 00:50:11,133 I tried to remember the sound he made When I hit a chair, 886 00:50:11,216 --> 00:50:12,466 Because it is a plastic chair. 887 00:50:12,551 --> 00:50:15,101 Have you ever heard of a ham falling on a linoleum? 888 00:50:18,098 --> 00:50:19,848 And this is a real moment in my childhood. 889 00:50:19,933 --> 00:50:23,653 What we all look like is in my friend's stupid dick. 890 00:50:23,729 --> 00:50:26,899 And then the security guard looks at me, and he goes, "Wait outside." 891 00:50:28,066 --> 00:50:30,986 Send me out. So, I'm outside the 15 minute security office 892 00:50:31,069 --> 00:50:34,489 He comes out, puts his head outside the door, doesn't even open it all the way. 893 00:50:34,573 --> 00:50:37,083 He said, "Okay, . I have decided not to call your mother. 894 00:50:37,159 --> 00:50:39,329 Now leave here and don't come back. 895 00:50:39,411 --> 00:50:42,791 I have to talk to your friend for a while." And he closed the door. 896 00:50:42,873 --> 00:50:46,673 I walked out of the side door. I deleted it from my memory. 897 00:50:46,752 --> 00:50:51,012 Something's spark this year, and all day comes flood again, 898 00:50:51,089 --> 00:50:55,049 and I'm like, "Oh, no, Oh, you're an idiot. 899 00:50:55,135 --> 00:50:57,965 You never got the rest from that Star Wars character." 900 00:51:02,976 --> 00:51:04,686 Thousands of valuable dollars merchandise 901 00:51:04,770 --> 00:51:06,150 And I will never be caught Because the security guard was busy choking on my friend's giant dick 902 00:51:06,229 --> 00:51:09,979 So, that's the type of item I'm talking about, and I wonder why I can't find a girl. 903 00:51:17,532 --> 00:51:20,952 I don't mind my boyfriend at the moment. 904 00:51:23,038 --> 00:51:24,599 905 00:51:24,623 --> 00:51:26,503 I have been single for five years, 906 00:51:26,583 --> 00:51:29,383 and at this time, I don't even know where to go to meet women I really don't. I don't know what women want. 907 00:51:29,461 --> 00:51:31,711 We all think we know. You know, dress in a certain way. 908 00:51:31,797 --> 00:51:34,837 Obviously, I'm not a good wardrobe. 909 00:51:34,925 --> 00:51:37,085 Do you like my shoes? 910 00:51:37,177 --> 00:51:39,177 [applause and applause] 911 00:51:39,262 --> 00:51:40,642 Yes! Yes. 912 00:51:40,722 --> 00:51:43,602 I mean, someone told me Yeezys is fake. 913 00:51:43,683 --> 00:51:47,403 I don't think they're fake, Because if that's the case, 914 00:51:47,479 --> 00:51:49,899 someone owes me 20 dollars 915 00:51:49,981 --> 00:51:51,821 916 00:51:54,402 --> 00:51:56,172 I don't even like what women want. What are women... 917 00:51:56,196 --> 00:52:00,526 I will ask you as a woman, what are you looking for in a guy 918 00:52:00,617 --> 00:52:02,447 - [woman] Humor. - Humor Good. 919 00:52:02,536 --> 00:52:03,866 I will discuss this myth. 920 00:52:10,627 --> 00:52:12,877 I think women think they should be to say "humor." 921 00:52:12,963 --> 00:52:15,473 "I like funny guys." No, no. 922 00:52:16,716 --> 00:52:19,153 No, no. Because if you ask me, "What kind of woman do you like?" 923 00:52:19,177 --> 00:52:20,547 I will be like, "Smart." 924 00:52:21,888 --> 00:52:24,848 It's nice, but it's not number one in the list. 925 00:52:24,933 --> 00:52:26,613 Trust me, if you have enough nipple fat, 926 00:52:26,685 --> 00:52:29,435 I don't care if you eat cat chips for breakfast... 927 00:52:30,897 --> 00:52:32,657 and fucking bang your head to the screen door 928 00:52:32,732 --> 00:52:34,942 like Rain Man when toast is on fire. 929 00:52:44,661 --> 00:52:46,411 But a sense of humor... Like, I'm a funny person. 930 00:52:46,496 --> 00:52:48,826 Being a funny person never, ever helped me lay. 931 00:52:48,915 --> 00:52:51,143 This is the only time That being funny has helped me lay down: 932 00:52:51,167 --> 00:52:54,297 If only one other woman is chosen is a man who looks like me 933 00:52:54,379 --> 00:52:55,629 who's not funny 934 00:52:56,923 --> 00:52:59,263 Then it will make you nod. Like, "Alright." 935 00:52:59,342 --> 00:53:02,302 Never enthusiastic. Like, "Oh, my God, you really..." 936 00:53:02,387 --> 00:53:03,557 [snoring] 937 00:53:04,639 --> 00:53:08,349 That is always a default. It can never overcome a good appearance. 938 00:53:08,435 --> 00:53:11,395 No one has ever seen me and gone, "Ah, I don't know. 939 00:53:11,479 --> 00:53:14,479 The man is six feet three. He has a big body. He is a triathlete. 940 00:53:14,566 --> 00:53:16,186 But that little friend... 941 00:53:17,444 --> 00:53:21,164 The anecdote will make me stitch all night 942 00:53:22,157 --> 00:53:24,237 Come on, big boy. Slam your face into my pussy 943 00:53:24,326 --> 00:53:26,326 and do some jokes. " 944 00:53:30,040 --> 00:53:32,130 And I'm a good person to date Because I'm a dirty person. 945 00:53:32,208 --> 00:53:33,878 I think women like guys like me. 946 00:53:33,960 --> 00:53:37,460 Like, I like giving oral sex for women more than I like anything. 947 00:53:37,547 --> 00:53:39,927 And I like... I mean, right away. I went straight there. 948 00:53:40,008 --> 00:53:43,508 And I like things to women that you don't even like yourself. 949 00:53:43,595 --> 00:53:46,345 Every special, I'm talking about liking a bigger vagina. 950 00:53:46,431 --> 00:53:49,561 I like vagina for traditional. 951 00:53:49,643 --> 00:53:51,483 A chicken No, I'm kidding. 952 00:53:57,359 --> 00:54:00,649 I like the type of vagina that a woman is self-conscious. 953 00:54:00,737 --> 00:54:04,277 You remember in high school, if it's already to keep your crotch in the locker 954 00:54:04,366 --> 00:54:06,427 Because all the other girls are cruel and they will walk with... 955 00:54:06,451 --> 00:54:09,201 "Hey, this is Big Pussy McGillicuddy" or whatever they say 956 00:54:13,249 --> 00:54:15,649 And I have learned a lot about what is sexy and what is not sexy Don't talk when you get down to women There is nothing sexy that you will say when you give her head If a girl drops you off and she like, "I like to suck your cock," 957 00:54:15,710 --> 00:54:17,880 It's a bit sexy to hear. 958 00:54:17,963 --> 00:54:20,593 But there's nothing you will say when you fall in love with a woman 959 00:54:20,674 --> 00:54:23,527 That will make him happier than what you did 960 00:54:23,551 --> 00:54:25,011 I have a girl telling me that one time his girlfriend is eating her pussy, 961 00:54:25,095 --> 00:54:28,095 962 00:54:28,181 --> 00:54:30,601 963 00:54:30,684 --> 00:54:33,037 964 00:54:33,061 --> 00:54:37,401 and he stopped, and he looked up and he left, "Mmm, you feel good." 965 00:54:40,402 --> 00:54:42,492 This is actually sexier When you're eating pussy 966 00:54:42,570 --> 00:54:45,160 if you look up and leave, "ISIS beheading people." 967 00:54:56,167 --> 00:54:59,917 One thing I hate: I hate using my fingers. That's the only thing I don't like, 968 00:55:00,005 --> 00:55:01,732 When girls like it, "Put your finger inside me." 969 00:55:01,756 --> 00:55:03,626 Because I have small hands, 970 00:55:04,509 --> 00:55:09,179 and every time I put my finger in, I never get to the place... 971 00:55:09,264 --> 00:55:12,604 I can barely touch the bottom of the G-spot 972 00:55:12,684 --> 00:55:14,644 And they are always like, "A little deeper." 973 00:55:15,437 --> 00:55:16,977 "But the webbing." 974 00:55:18,481 --> 00:55:20,321 [moans] 975 00:55:20,400 --> 00:55:22,253 I have to take my left arm and push it right. 976 00:55:22,277 --> 00:55:23,527 [moans] 977 00:55:25,905 --> 00:55:28,365 And one of my closest friends Patrice O'Neal. 978 00:55:28,450 --> 00:55:29,700 You know Patrice. 979 00:55:29,784 --> 00:55:31,204 [applause and applause] 980 00:55:36,082 --> 00:55:37,752 And it's funny. Patrice will bother me, 981 00:55:37,834 --> 00:55:40,714 Because he will always boast about how great he is when trapping fingers. 982 00:55:41,921 --> 00:55:45,011 But Patrice will always boast about finger-popping, 983 00:55:45,091 --> 00:55:49,101 and I watched her once in Brazil For girls to spray their fingers. 984 00:55:49,179 --> 00:55:52,139 Because Patrice has a finger like a ballerina's foot 985 00:55:52,223 --> 00:55:56,143 I am in bed with my daughter. He is one with it. 986 00:55:56,227 --> 00:55:58,857 And he is like, whap, whap, whap, 987 00:55:58,938 --> 00:56:00,018 and he will spray. 988 00:56:00,106 --> 00:56:01,396 [squirting sound] 989 00:56:01,483 --> 00:56:03,653 And then my girl squirts, But from his eyes, 990 00:56:03,735 --> 00:56:04,895 see the others... 991 00:56:07,947 --> 00:56:10,907 And I do the best I can, but I can't... 992 00:56:10,992 --> 00:56:15,162 My fingers are like two legs of polio in the pool. 993 00:56:17,665 --> 00:56:19,905 The girl finally feels annoyed and just pushes my hand out. 994 00:56:19,959 --> 00:56:22,129 "Alright, Peter Dinklage finger. Fucking..." 995 00:56:30,303 --> 00:56:32,023 I really don't know where is to meet women. 996 00:56:32,097 --> 00:56:34,517 After that, I don't expect to meet many of you. 997 00:56:35,725 --> 00:56:39,015 I use social media applications. I use Tinder. Anything else that uses Tinder? 998 00:56:39,104 --> 00:56:40,734 [woman] Whoo! 999 00:56:40,814 --> 00:56:43,000 The woman who said "whoo," How long did it take you to meet someone? 1000 00:56:43,024 --> 00:56:45,284 - just shouting out number - I'm married. 1001 00:56:45,360 --> 00:56:46,900 You are married. Oh good. 1002 00:56:50,824 --> 00:56:52,914 So, your parents' missionaries are messed up, you're married. 1003 00:56:52,992 --> 00:56:55,082 Large. I ruined a lot of night life. 1004 00:56:57,080 --> 00:56:59,750 Now, is this before your husband, or how do you meet him? 1005 00:56:59,833 --> 00:57:01,423 [nervous] After. 1006 00:57:01,501 --> 00:57:03,631 [crowd] Whoa! 1007 00:57:03,711 --> 00:57:06,171 After. Hmm. 1008 00:57:07,257 --> 00:57:08,877 I really love that. 1009 00:57:10,593 --> 00:57:13,013 "Who are you talking to?" "This is a friend, see? Ahh." 1010 00:57:17,559 --> 00:57:21,349 I'm on Tinder. And I'm sure most of you know what that is. 1011 00:57:21,438 --> 00:57:23,728 You uploaded a photo, You swiped "like" or "no," 1012 00:57:23,815 --> 00:57:26,775 and if you have a match, You can talk to that person. 1013 00:57:26,860 --> 00:57:29,630 And before you do that, you have to set the parameter you want to search for, 1014 00:57:29,654 --> 00:57:30,664 distance. 1015 00:57:30,738 --> 00:57:35,028 I live in New York, in Midtown, so I arranged to find a three-mile radius. 1016 00:57:35,118 --> 00:57:36,908 And you have to set an age range. 1017 00:57:36,995 --> 00:57:39,365 I am in my 40s, so I arranged it for 18 years. 1018 00:57:40,832 --> 00:57:42,922 That is as far as the left because it will go. Heh heh heh. 1019 00:57:47,630 --> 00:57:49,110 I really called Tinder to complain. 1020 00:57:49,174 --> 00:57:52,594 "There's something wrong with your application, Fuck. It keeps jamming at 18. 1021 00:57:53,636 --> 00:57:57,346 Oh, legal stuff. No, I just got... Norton, huh." 1022 00:58:00,310 --> 00:58:02,413 This is very addictive. We always say, "Oh, no one is single," 1023 00:58:02,437 --> 00:58:04,081 but you are aware of when you get an application like that, 1024 00:58:04,105 --> 00:58:06,015 There are so many beautiful single women. 1025 00:58:06,107 --> 00:58:08,937 I've been rubbing for hours. Like, like, like. 1026 00:58:09,027 --> 00:58:11,589 I don't swipe "no" on anything... I don't care what you look like. 1027 00:58:11,613 --> 00:58:14,163 A little, tiny Zika virus. Damn it Like. 1028 00:58:15,158 --> 00:58:16,408 The gun slides into the face 1029 00:58:16,493 --> 00:58:19,623 Damn it I will play with the nipples until the ambulance gets there. As. 1030 00:58:21,164 --> 00:58:23,214 I heard someone groaning at that. It's okay to laugh. 1031 00:58:23,291 --> 00:58:24,711 This is not a real scenario. 1032 00:58:26,669 --> 00:58:27,855 Do you think that really happened? 1033 00:58:27,879 --> 00:58:29,759 A woman was shot in the face with a gun 1034 00:58:29,839 --> 00:58:32,679 and have the means to take selfies? 1035 00:58:34,761 --> 00:58:37,721 And then I happened to leave, "Hey, how are you?" 1036 00:58:37,805 --> 00:58:40,265 "Bleeding to death in the hallway." 1037 00:58:40,350 --> 00:58:43,520 "Well, what if I tweak the nips until the help arrives?" 1038 00:58:48,858 --> 00:58:51,358 But I lasted for three days, swiping working hours, 1039 00:58:51,444 --> 00:58:53,074 did not get a response, 1040 00:58:53,154 --> 00:58:55,114 and that is the bowel punch for your self-esteem 1041 00:58:55,198 --> 00:58:57,028 I'm like, "I'm not bullshit." 1042 00:58:57,116 --> 00:58:59,906 But then I'm like, "No, maybe I too don't give many choices." 1043 00:58:59,994 --> 00:59:01,704 I only set it for three square miles. 1044 00:59:01,788 --> 00:59:05,378 Midtown New York... What is it, 1.8 million people? 1045 00:59:10,296 --> 00:59:14,336 So, I kind of opened my search option. Maximum age, maximum distance. 1046 00:59:14,425 --> 00:59:17,795 I set it pretty much, If you have a vagina in North America, 1047 00:59:17,887 --> 00:59:19,717 or hope someday... 1048 00:59:25,186 --> 00:59:26,896 Finally I got a Tinder match, 1049 00:59:26,980 --> 00:59:31,190 and I will really read the interaction with you I'm talking to this girl. It really went well. 1050 00:59:32,610 --> 00:59:35,450 Talk to him for five days, back and forth, every day 1051 00:59:35,530 --> 00:59:38,950 "Hey, good morning, how are you?" 1052 00:59:39,033 --> 00:59:40,453 On the fifth day, I finally said to him, "I am very happy to talk to you. 1053 00:59:40,535 --> 00:59:44,155 I want to talk on the phone. Can I have your number?" 1054 00:59:44,247 --> 00:59:46,667 1055 00:59:47,500 --> 00:59:51,710 None. No response. really freaks me out. 1056 00:59:51,796 --> 00:59:55,756 So, four days later, I wrote back, "I don't think it's LOL." 1057 00:59:55,842 --> 00:59:56,932 You know. 1058 00:59:57,969 --> 01:00:01,719 Laughing out loud, just to keep it kind and pleasant. 1059 01:00:01,806 --> 01:00:03,386 He responds, 1060 01:00:03,474 --> 01:00:06,234 "To be honest, I googled you. 1061 01:00:08,605 --> 01:00:10,355 I don't know what your life is like, 1062 01:00:10,440 --> 01:00:13,150 but when you are Jim Norton, That's the last thing you want to read. 1063 01:00:14,110 --> 01:00:15,860 " I googled you. " 1064 01:00:15,945 --> 01:00:19,735 "Cosby Hitler" has better Google results than "Jim Norton." 1065 01:00:21,492 --> 01:00:24,912 "I googled you and was watching video of you talking 1066 01:00:24,996 --> 01:00:27,956 about sending photos of your penis for a girl 1067 01:00:28,041 --> 01:00:31,041 I don't know if it's a good idea to give my number 1068 01:00:31,127 --> 01:00:33,757 Very sorry. Just trying to be honest. " 1069 01:00:33,838 --> 01:00:35,968 [moans] 1070 01:00:36,049 --> 01:00:39,429 I feel bad. I don't know what to write. 1071 01:00:39,510 --> 01:00:42,390 I just replied," Cunt. 1072 01:00:46,059 --> 01:00:47,389 LOL. " 1073 01:00:48,519 --> 01:00:51,109 Thank you very much You are amazing 1074 01:00:51,189 --> 01:00:53,069 I appreciate you being here. 1075 01:00:53,149 --> 01:00:54,529 [applause and applause] 1076 01:00:56,569 --> 01:00:58,609 Thank you very much for coming out. 1077 01:00:58,696 --> 01:01:00,616 [playing music] 1078 01:01:10,083 --> 01:01:13,383 ♪ The world today Is that evil place ♪ 1079 01:01:15,421 --> 01:01:18,971 ♪ The fight continues Between the human race... ♪ 1080 01:01:19,050 --> 01:01:21,390 What should I do? Left hand now, like this? 1081 01:01:21,469 --> 01:01:22,849 Yes, really gave it to me. 1082 01:01:22,929 --> 01:01:25,309 Good. Say with confidence, you are a bad slug 1083 01:01:25,390 --> 01:01:26,640 And then I started... 1084 01:01:27,600 --> 01:01:30,020 Then I slap you again. I am doing fine. 1085 01:01:31,854 --> 01:01:34,364 - Okay, so, the left. - Yeah. 1086 01:01:34,440 --> 01:01:37,280 And then slap. Then, "Say it with confidence, you are a bad slug," 1087 01:01:37,360 --> 01:01:38,740 - and then again. - Yeah. 1088 01:01:38,820 --> 01:01:40,360 Ay-ay-ay. Well. 1089 01:01:41,572 --> 01:01:42,872 Okay, do it... 1090 01:01:44,492 --> 01:01:46,702 ♪... they say it's very high ♪