1 00:00:02,134 --> 00:00:05,471 JEFF DUNHAM: I can't believe the show starts in half an hour 2 00:00:05,538 --> 00:00:07,206 and Achmed's late. 3 00:00:07,273 --> 00:00:08,541 Maybe he drowned trying 4 00:00:08,608 --> 00:00:10,576 to visit Bin Laden's grave. 5 00:00:10,643 --> 00:00:12,578 (laughing) 6 00:00:12,645 --> 00:00:13,946 Security. 7 00:00:14,013 --> 00:00:15,414 That's my name. 8 00:00:15,481 --> 00:00:16,649 Don't wear it out. 9 00:00:16,716 --> 00:00:18,351 Bubba J? 10 00:00:18,417 --> 00:00:20,753 Yeah. Well, gotta go. Beer break. 11 00:00:20,820 --> 00:00:22,421 Wait. Achmed's late. Keep an eye out for him. 12 00:00:22,488 --> 00:00:24,223 Which eye? 13 00:00:25,992 --> 00:00:27,059 Where could he be? 14 00:00:27,126 --> 00:00:28,594 He went from dead terrorist 15 00:00:28,661 --> 00:00:30,429 to Hollywood diva. 16 00:00:30,496 --> 00:00:31,964 I'm telling you, 17 00:00:32,031 --> 00:00:33,633 the fame went to his skull. 18 00:00:33,699 --> 00:00:35,935 Achmed? No way. 19 00:00:39,005 --> 00:00:41,007 (engine revving) 20 00:00:48,781 --> 00:00:51,150 (evil laughter) 21 00:01:01,594 --> 00:01:03,062 (cackling) 22 00:01:09,001 --> 00:01:10,870 Huh? 23 00:01:16,475 --> 00:01:17,743 (growls) 24 00:01:17,810 --> 00:01:20,713 (bleating) 25 00:01:20,780 --> 00:01:21,981 Ah. 26 00:01:22,048 --> 00:01:25,384 (engine revving) 27 00:01:32,959 --> 00:01:34,961 (evil laughter) 28 00:01:40,232 --> 00:01:41,567 Achmed's here. 29 00:01:41,634 --> 00:01:43,436 I'll go park his car since there's 30 00:01:43,502 --> 00:01:45,838 no law against drunk parking. 31 00:01:45,905 --> 00:01:48,140 Thanks, Bubba J. Good job. 32 00:01:48,207 --> 00:01:49,609 (loud belch) 33 00:01:49,675 --> 00:01:51,410 (belching continues) 34 00:01:55,715 --> 00:01:58,150 Whoa. ls that a hybrid? 35 00:01:58,217 --> 00:02:00,453 It's the AchmedMobile, you idiot. 36 00:02:00,519 --> 00:02:03,222 Just be careful parking it or I keel you. 37 00:02:07,827 --> 00:02:08,828 Didn't hurt. 38 00:02:08,894 --> 00:02:10,129 And whatever you do, 39 00:02:10,196 --> 00:02:11,731 don't touch the red button. 40 00:02:11,797 --> 00:02:13,599 Got it. Touch the red button. 41 00:02:13,666 --> 00:02:14,600 Yes. 42 00:02:14,667 --> 00:02:16,836 -(alarm blaring) -(9aSPS) 43 00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:27,346 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, 44 00:02:27,413 --> 00:02:30,016 Jeff Dunham! 45 00:02:30,082 --> 00:02:33,185 (cheering and applause) 46 00:02:52,171 --> 00:02:54,540 Thank you. 47 00:02:54,607 --> 00:02:57,243 Thank you so much. 48 00:02:57,309 --> 00:03:00,212 (cheering continues) 49 00:03:00,279 --> 00:03:01,781 Thank you very much. 50 00:03:05,718 --> 00:03:08,120 Thank you very, very much. 51 00:03:08,187 --> 00:03:10,056 -(cheering continues) -Thank you very much. 52 00:03:12,958 --> 00:03:15,594 Ladies and gentlemen, it's absolutely great to be here 53 00:03:15,661 --> 00:03:18,864 in lovely Richmond, Virginia. 54 00:03:18,931 --> 00:03:20,933 (cheering) 55 00:03:23,969 --> 00:03:25,571 And, you know, we-- 56 00:03:25,638 --> 00:03:27,606 I've been doing this show all over the country, 57 00:03:27,673 --> 00:03:29,041 just having a blast here, there and everywhere. 58 00:03:29,108 --> 00:03:30,509 The fans are great. 59 00:03:30,576 --> 00:03:32,678 But we've also been taking my show around the world. 60 00:03:32,745 --> 00:03:34,480 We've been doing shows in South Africa, Australia, 61 00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:36,649 three tours of Europe and the U.K. 62 00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:38,384 Now they're talking about taking me to China. 63 00:03:38,451 --> 00:03:40,553 - Wha-What? -(laughter) 64 00:03:40,619 --> 00:03:43,255 How am I going to do my show in China? 65 00:03:43,322 --> 00:03:45,958 All I know is, if I do do my show in China, 66 00:03:46,025 --> 00:03:49,295 there's a big chunk of my act I'm going to have to leave out. 67 00:03:49,361 --> 00:03:50,830 (laughter) 68 00:03:50,896 --> 00:03:53,766 You'll recognize it when I do it here this evening. 69 00:03:53,833 --> 00:03:56,035 (laughter) 70 00:03:56,102 --> 00:03:59,438 But it is interesting going to some of these foreign countries 71 00:03:59,505 --> 00:04:01,907 and doing press interviews, because some of the reporters 72 00:04:01,974 --> 00:04:03,409 have done their homework and care, 73 00:04:03,476 --> 00:04:04,844 others just don't. 74 00:04:04,910 --> 00:04:06,979 For example, I was in London talking to a guy 75 00:04:07,046 --> 00:04:08,347 and he was like, 76 00:04:08,414 --> 00:04:10,449 (British accent): "All right, so ventriloquism- 77 00:04:10,516 --> 00:04:13,753 have you eliminated every other possibility of employment?" 78 00:04:13,819 --> 00:04:17,957 And I have to go, "No, this is what I've done my entire life." 79 00:04:18,023 --> 00:04:19,959 I've never wanted to do anything else. 80 00:04:20,025 --> 00:04:21,861 I started very young. 81 00:04:21,927 --> 00:04:24,363 I was eight years old, I was in the third grade, 82 00:04:24,430 --> 00:04:25,598 Christmas, 1970. 83 00:04:25,664 --> 00:04:27,299 Got my first dummy. 84 00:04:27,366 --> 00:04:30,503 There's Mom and Dad and me under the tree right there. 85 00:04:30,569 --> 00:04:33,839 You can see how proud my father is. 86 00:04:33,906 --> 00:04:36,041 (laughter) 87 00:04:36,108 --> 00:04:37,777 But for years I'd look at that picture 88 00:04:37,843 --> 00:04:40,212 and I'd think, why does he have that expression on his face? 89 00:04:40,279 --> 00:04:42,281 And then if finally hit me, duh, look where the dummy's hand is. 90 00:04:42,348 --> 00:04:46,051 - So... -(laughter) 91 00:04:46,118 --> 00:04:48,287 Yeah, that's creepy. 92 00:04:48,354 --> 00:04:49,889 So I started doing shows very early. 93 00:04:49,955 --> 00:04:51,524 All the way through elementary school, junior high, 94 00:04:51,590 --> 00:04:52,792 high school, college. 95 00:04:52,858 --> 00:04:54,426 And this is what I wanted to do. 96 00:04:54,493 --> 00:04:55,728 This was the future I saw. 97 00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:56,996 I saw it. 98 00:04:57,062 --> 00:04:58,898 There were a few people that didn't see it. 99 00:04:58,964 --> 00:05:00,866 For example, girlfriends. 100 00:05:00,933 --> 00:05:02,935 They'd realize I was sincere 101 00:05:03,002 --> 00:05:06,238 about wanting to talk to dummies the rest of my life, 102 00:05:06,305 --> 00:05:08,107 and they would dump me immediately. 103 00:05:08,174 --> 00:05:11,110 I couldn't see what they saw until a few months ago. 104 00:05:11,177 --> 00:05:12,812 I was sitting down with my three daughters, 105 00:05:12,878 --> 00:05:14,213 and we were looking at the yearbooks 106 00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:15,881 from my junior high and high school years. 107 00:05:15,948 --> 00:05:17,449 My daughters were horrified. 108 00:05:17,516 --> 00:05:20,452 Why? Let me explain. 109 00:05:20,519 --> 00:05:24,056 I started getting paid for doing my shows in the seventh grade. 110 00:05:24,123 --> 00:05:25,558 And I knew that if I was going to be 111 00:05:25,624 --> 00:05:28,194 a professional ventriloquist, I needed a professional photo. 112 00:05:28,260 --> 00:05:29,595 Now my parents were supportive, 113 00:05:29,662 --> 00:05:32,064 but they weren't going to shell out the cash for that. 114 00:05:32,131 --> 00:05:34,333 So I thought, how am I going to get a professional picture 115 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:36,769 of me and the dummy taken? 116 00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:39,939 And then it finally hit me-- school picture day. 117 00:05:40,005 --> 00:05:41,974 (laughter) 118 00:05:42,041 --> 00:05:44,210 (applause) 119 00:05:44,276 --> 00:05:46,679 (laughter and applause builds) 120 00:05:51,717 --> 00:05:53,052 But I thought this was genius. 121 00:05:53,118 --> 00:05:54,954 All I had to do was show up at school 122 00:05:55,020 --> 00:05:56,722 with the dummy in a suitcase, stand in line 123 00:05:56,789 --> 00:05:58,023 and when it was my turn, 124 00:05:58,090 --> 00:06:00,392 I'd sit down, put the dummy on my knee, 125 00:06:00,459 --> 00:06:02,461 smile, click, professional photo. 126 00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:04,463 And that's what I did, 127 00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:08,200 every year from the seventh grade through the 12th grade. 128 00:06:08,267 --> 00:06:10,169 The only trouble was, 129 00:06:10,236 --> 00:06:11,537 they'd only take one photo, 130 00:06:11,604 --> 00:06:14,139 and that's what ended up in every yearbook. 131 00:06:14,206 --> 00:06:17,877 And that's why my daughters were horrified. 132 00:06:17,943 --> 00:06:21,513 It was boy, girl, girl, boy, boy with doll, girl... 133 00:06:21,580 --> 00:06:22,715 (laughter) 134 00:06:22,781 --> 00:06:24,149 Don't believe me? 135 00:06:24,216 --> 00:06:27,253 There's seventh grade right there. There it is. 136 00:06:27,319 --> 00:06:31,824 (cheering and applause) 137 00:06:37,329 --> 00:06:38,864 I'm the one on the right. 138 00:06:38,931 --> 00:06:40,833 Look at that. 139 00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:42,868 That is Justin Bieber hair, damn it. 140 00:06:42,935 --> 00:06:45,738 (cheering) 141 00:06:45,804 --> 00:06:49,108 So ninth grade came along and I decided to do the same thing. 142 00:06:49,174 --> 00:06:51,944 This was the bicentennial year in our country-- 1976. 143 00:06:52,011 --> 00:06:53,879 I was a patriotic lad, 144 00:06:53,946 --> 00:06:55,814 but I didn't want to dress like Uncle Sam. 145 00:06:55,881 --> 00:06:57,416 No, apparently I wanted to dress like 146 00:06:57,483 --> 00:06:59,518 a Fourth of July picnic table cover. 147 00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:01,587 (laughter) 148 00:07:05,224 --> 00:07:07,226 (applause and cheering) 149 00:07:10,663 --> 00:07:12,698 You know, the funniest thing to me 150 00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:15,067 about that photo is the fact that I have braces. 151 00:07:15,134 --> 00:07:16,802 Why is that funny? Well, the rest of my life 152 00:07:16,869 --> 00:07:18,404 I'm going to be talking with my mouth shut, 153 00:07:18,470 --> 00:07:20,606 so what's the point? 154 00:07:20,673 --> 00:07:22,608 (laughter) 155 00:07:22,675 --> 00:07:25,778 I know most of you look at these photos and think, 156 00:07:25,844 --> 00:07:28,080 this is the saddest human being we've ever met. 157 00:07:28,147 --> 00:07:29,648 Did he have any friends? 158 00:07:29,715 --> 00:07:31,050 Yes, I did. 159 00:07:31,116 --> 00:07:33,485 Here we are sitting in my bedroom one day. 160 00:07:33,552 --> 00:07:36,422 So now I had about 15 minutes in my show. 161 00:07:36,488 --> 00:07:39,158 I knew I wanted to add something else-- some variety. 162 00:07:39,224 --> 00:07:41,327 I thought, music? Yes. Something cool. 163 00:07:41,393 --> 00:07:42,795 Rock and roll guitar? 164 00:07:42,861 --> 00:07:45,431 No, something cooler. I'll play the trombone. 165 00:07:45,497 --> 00:07:48,567 (laughter) 166 00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:50,703 I'm going to let-- 167 00:07:50,769 --> 00:07:54,373 I'm going to let this photo soak in just for a minute. 168 00:07:58,410 --> 00:08:00,245 (applause) 169 00:08:03,682 --> 00:08:06,652 There is so much wrong here, ladies and gentlemen. 170 00:08:06,719 --> 00:08:08,253 Let's start with the least obvious, 171 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:10,189 and that's my dummy up in the corner 172 00:08:10,255 --> 00:08:13,792 listening to me play the trombone, but... 173 00:08:13,859 --> 00:08:17,696 Now let's talk about fashion, shall we? 174 00:08:17,763 --> 00:08:19,531 (laughter) 175 00:08:19,598 --> 00:08:23,035 How did my mother even let me out of the house? 176 00:08:23,102 --> 00:08:25,571 And this wasn't some accident on a Saturday morning 177 00:08:25,637 --> 00:08:27,673 where I accidentally threw on the wrong clothes. 178 00:08:27,740 --> 00:08:31,143 This was an outfit I wore to school regularly. 179 00:08:31,210 --> 00:08:35,247 I don't know why I didn't get beat up on a regular basis. 180 00:08:35,314 --> 00:08:37,182 I must have gone to the store and said, 181 00:08:37,249 --> 00:08:40,285 "Do you have any pants that don't even go with themselves?" 182 00:08:40,352 --> 00:08:42,955 (laughter) 183 00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:44,723 This next photo, 184 00:08:44,790 --> 00:08:47,593 you know, my parents were supportive, 185 00:08:47,659 --> 00:08:49,361 but every once in a while 186 00:08:49,428 --> 00:08:52,398 in a child's life the parents must step in 187 00:08:52,464 --> 00:08:55,134 and say enough is enough. 188 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:57,336 Apparently my parents did not do this, 189 00:08:57,403 --> 00:08:59,471 as is evidenced by this next photo. 190 00:08:59,538 --> 00:09:01,407 And by the way, there is-- 191 00:09:01,473 --> 00:09:03,175 none of these photos have been photoshopped. 192 00:09:03,242 --> 00:09:04,476 Everything is legit. 193 00:09:04,543 --> 00:09:06,378 Everything's real. 194 00:09:06,445 --> 00:09:08,747 I promise you. 195 00:09:08,814 --> 00:09:11,083 So, that's how sad it is. 196 00:09:11,150 --> 00:09:13,085 But this next photograph-- 197 00:09:13,152 --> 00:09:14,820 I don't remember how it happened. 198 00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:18,357 All I know is that we went to the professional portrait studio 199 00:09:18,424 --> 00:09:21,860 and this was the family portrait that hung in our living room 200 00:09:21,927 --> 00:09:23,729 this big, for years. 201 00:09:23,796 --> 00:09:26,265 (laughter) 202 00:09:28,367 --> 00:09:30,369 (cheering and applause) 203 00:09:33,839 --> 00:09:35,841 (whistling, cheering, applause) 204 00:09:44,216 --> 00:09:46,118 You know maybe... (laughing) 205 00:09:46,185 --> 00:09:50,989 And the weird part is my parents had family and friends over 206 00:09:51,056 --> 00:09:53,125 for parties a lot. 207 00:09:53,192 --> 00:09:55,327 And this was hanging right there in plain view. 208 00:09:55,394 --> 00:09:57,629 No one ever said anything. 209 00:09:57,696 --> 00:10:00,065 They must have thought, "Well, the food's good. 210 00:10:00,132 --> 00:10:03,502 Let's go to the mentally ill people's house." 211 00:10:03,569 --> 00:10:07,072 All right, so that's-- that's high school. 212 00:10:07,139 --> 00:10:11,243 High school-- and time to pick up chicks. 213 00:10:11,310 --> 00:10:13,312 (laughter) 214 00:10:19,351 --> 00:10:21,353 (wolf whistle) 215 00:10:24,389 --> 00:10:26,959 It was the late '70s. Disco was king. 216 00:10:27,025 --> 00:10:28,794 I had my silk shirt, my dummy 217 00:10:28,861 --> 00:10:30,662 and my porn mustache. 218 00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:37,736 Now this-this next photo I found in a box just recently. 219 00:10:37,803 --> 00:10:41,807 You know, and some photos just go without explanation. 220 00:10:41,874 --> 00:10:44,209 I don't remember what this was. 221 00:10:44,276 --> 00:10:46,879 I don't remember what was going on. 222 00:10:46,945 --> 00:10:49,648 I don't know... I don't know. 223 00:10:51,884 --> 00:10:53,852 (prolonged laughter) 224 00:11:03,228 --> 00:11:05,097 (audience whistling) 225 00:11:06,865 --> 00:11:08,767 Let's examine this, shall we? 226 00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:11,503 I'm standing in my parents' front yard. 227 00:11:11,570 --> 00:11:13,172 On the hood of this vehicle 228 00:11:13,238 --> 00:11:16,775 is the largest stuffed animal known to man. 229 00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:19,811 I don't know how I got it home, I don't know why it was there, 230 00:11:19,878 --> 00:11:22,648 I don't know what the hell it is. 231 00:11:22,714 --> 00:11:27,386 Also on the hood of the vehicle is R2-D2. 232 00:11:27,452 --> 00:11:29,755 (laughter) 233 00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:38,130 My dummy is dressed up like a bad Luke Skywalker knockoff... 234 00:11:38,197 --> 00:11:42,568 and I'm wearing a frickin‘ Hawaiian shirt. 235 00:11:42,634 --> 00:11:44,603 It's like Torn Selleck jumped 236 00:11:44,670 --> 00:11:48,907 out of the closet and went, "Guess what!" 237 00:11:58,217 --> 00:12:00,752 And now it's time to move on to college 238 00:12:00,819 --> 00:12:02,621 and the intellectual years. 239 00:12:12,698 --> 00:12:14,666 I don't even, I don't even know why. 240 00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:16,535 You know, the photographer should have 241 00:12:16,602 --> 00:12:19,004 just fallen over laughing. I don't... 242 00:12:19,071 --> 00:12:20,973 I looked like Sherlock Holmes with a dummy. 243 00:12:21,039 --> 00:12:23,242 I don't know what that is. 244 00:12:23,308 --> 00:12:25,911 So I graduated from college. 245 00:12:25,978 --> 00:12:28,747 I was living in central Texas, and I was still doing my shows, 246 00:12:28,814 --> 00:12:31,683 but I knew I was not yet ready to move out to Los Angeles 247 00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:33,118 to seek fame and fortune, 248 00:12:33,185 --> 00:12:35,487 so I kept doing shows, as many as I could. 249 00:12:35,554 --> 00:12:37,589 But I also had an unusual hobby. 250 00:12:37,656 --> 00:12:40,993 I became a licensed helicopter pilot. 251 00:12:41,059 --> 00:12:43,228 But I built and was flying 252 00:12:43,295 --> 00:12:47,966 my own full-size, real two-seat helicopter. 253 00:12:48,033 --> 00:12:49,201 Now, you would think 254 00:12:49,268 --> 00:12:51,603 that someone who was smart enough to build and fly 255 00:12:51,670 --> 00:12:53,705 their own helicopter could maybe pick out 256 00:12:53,772 --> 00:12:55,707 a decent pair of shorts. 257 00:12:55,774 --> 00:12:57,776 (laughter) 258 00:13:07,619 --> 00:13:10,155 Thank you. (laughs) 259 00:13:10,222 --> 00:13:12,391 All I know is, thank God, the corn was high enough 260 00:13:12,457 --> 00:13:13,925 that nobody on the freeway could see me. 261 00:13:13,992 --> 00:13:15,794 That's all I can say. 262 00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:19,097 My daughters have been horrified by these pictures. 263 00:13:19,164 --> 00:13:21,300 They decided to help me out. 264 00:13:21,366 --> 00:13:22,901 They are Kenna, Ashlyn and Bree. 265 00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:25,037 They are 13, 15 and 19 years of age. 266 00:13:25,103 --> 00:13:26,405 They're the light of my life. 267 00:13:26,471 --> 00:13:28,907 They decided to help me out with my clothes. 268 00:13:28,974 --> 00:13:31,610 But they decided to dress both me and Peanut, 269 00:13:31,677 --> 00:13:33,912 and here's what they chose. 270 00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:35,681 (laughter) 271 00:13:40,952 --> 00:13:43,955 (cheering and whistling) 272 00:13:46,291 --> 00:13:50,862 Now, as you can tell by these photos, uh, the dummies 273 00:13:50,929 --> 00:13:53,465 have been with me for a very long time. 274 00:13:53,532 --> 00:13:56,968 You can also tell I had a very poor fashion sense. 275 00:13:57,035 --> 00:13:59,104 I will take most of the blame for that. 276 00:13:59,171 --> 00:14:01,206 There is, however, one other person that needs 277 00:14:01,273 --> 00:14:03,709 to take some of that blame, and that person is my mother. 278 00:14:03,775 --> 00:14:05,911 And I'll prove to you that this is her fault, 279 00:14:05,977 --> 00:14:08,547 because she did this Christmas what she does every Christmas 280 00:14:08,613 --> 00:14:10,282 and has for decades. 281 00:14:10,349 --> 00:14:12,117 My parents are in their 80s now, 282 00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:14,319 and every year what my mother does is, she goes 283 00:14:14,386 --> 00:14:15,787 to a very nice department store, 284 00:14:15,854 --> 00:14:18,557 and she picks out a Christmas present for me and my father. 285 00:14:18,623 --> 00:14:21,460 She picks out the nicest shirt that she can find. 286 00:14:21,526 --> 00:14:25,430 And she buys two. 287 00:14:25,497 --> 00:14:28,467 Here's what she chose this past year. 288 00:14:28,533 --> 00:14:32,537 (laughter) 289 00:14:42,381 --> 00:14:45,884 You know, I love my parents very much, 290 00:14:45,951 --> 00:14:49,454 and they have been married for 56 years now. 291 00:14:49,521 --> 00:14:51,556 (audience cheering) 292 00:14:55,927 --> 00:14:59,865 And they are a perfect example of how a marriage can work. 293 00:14:59,931 --> 00:15:02,134 On the other hand, I've recently gone through something 294 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:04,636 that I never thought I'd go through, never considered it, 295 00:15:04,703 --> 00:15:06,605 never even thought it a possibility. 296 00:15:06,671 --> 00:15:08,039 I'm recently divorced. 297 00:15:08,106 --> 00:15:09,508 I'm a single father now, 298 00:15:09,574 --> 00:15:11,743 but I always try and look for the silver lining 299 00:15:11,810 --> 00:15:13,979 in the dark clouds, and one of the silver linings 300 00:15:14,045 --> 00:15:17,849 about getting divorced is that I got to pick out my own house 301 00:15:17,916 --> 00:15:21,019 because someone else has the other house now. 302 00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:25,023 As for my act, there's an old guy, 303 00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:28,894 who long before I got married, warned me of the institution. 304 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:31,563 And now I guess he can say, "l told you so." 305 00:15:31,630 --> 00:15:33,432 Ladies and gentlemen, 306 00:15:33,498 --> 00:15:36,001 please help me welcome my old friend Walter. 307 00:15:36,067 --> 00:15:38,103 (audience cheering) 308 00:15:50,949 --> 00:15:53,885 Holy crap, will you shut the hell up?! 309 00:15:53,952 --> 00:15:54,886 (Jeff chuckles) 310 00:15:54,953 --> 00:15:57,856 You, too. 311 00:15:57,923 --> 00:15:58,924 Are you all right? 312 00:15:58,990 --> 00:16:00,125 - No! - What's wrong? 313 00:16:00,192 --> 00:16:01,159 I'm pissed. 314 00:16:01,226 --> 00:16:04,129 -Why? -I have no idea. 315 00:16:04,196 --> 00:16:05,897 Well, have you ever thought about being happy? 316 00:16:05,964 --> 00:16:07,132 -Yeah. -What happened? 317 00:16:07,199 --> 00:16:10,702 It pissed me off. 318 00:16:10,769 --> 00:16:12,270 What would happen if you were happy? 319 00:16:12,337 --> 00:16:13,972 Your show would suck. 320 00:16:14,039 --> 00:16:15,507 (laughter) 321 00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:19,678 You know, Walter, just once 322 00:16:19,744 --> 00:16:21,580 I think you should try being happy. 323 00:16:21,646 --> 00:16:22,781 - You're an idiot. -(chuckles) 324 00:16:22,848 --> 00:16:24,716 See? What the hell is wrong with you? 325 00:16:24,783 --> 00:16:26,852 When I call you an idiot, and you smile, 326 00:16:26,918 --> 00:16:28,286 like I gave you cake. 327 00:16:28,353 --> 00:16:30,655 Do you want to be in a good mood? 328 00:16:30,722 --> 00:16:34,826 Not if I'd look like a moron like you, no, thank you. 329 00:16:34,893 --> 00:16:36,862 I've seen you walk by perfect strangers 330 00:16:36,928 --> 00:16:38,663 and go, "Oh, hello. How are you? 331 00:16:38,730 --> 00:16:40,565 Hoo-hoo-hoo!" 332 00:16:40,632 --> 00:16:42,033 $0? 333 00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:45,904 That makes mothers hide their children from you. 334 00:16:45,971 --> 00:16:49,307 You don't think I should be nice to strangers? 335 00:16:49,374 --> 00:16:51,676 You know, even dogs sniff assholes first. 336 00:16:51,743 --> 00:16:55,280 (howling with laughter) 337 00:17:03,154 --> 00:17:05,724 Maybe you should try that. 338 00:17:05,790 --> 00:17:07,459 I don't think so. 339 00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:09,261 Actually, there are those little idiot dogs, 340 00:17:09,327 --> 00:17:11,396 who when they see anyone, they jump all around 341 00:17:11,463 --> 00:17:12,931 and then pee on themselves. 342 00:17:12,998 --> 00:17:16,701 You ever felt like doing that? 343 00:17:16,768 --> 00:17:18,103 That's not gonna happen. 344 00:17:18,169 --> 00:17:19,738 Well, you might not jump all around, 345 00:17:19,804 --> 00:17:22,274 but when you get my age, you'll piss on yourself. 346 00:17:23,642 --> 00:17:25,577 Well, I'm just happy to be here tonight. 347 00:17:25,644 --> 00:17:27,012 Where the hell are we? 348 00:17:27,078 --> 00:17:28,013 Richmond, Virginia. 349 00:17:28,079 --> 00:17:29,114 Oh, yeah, yeah. 350 00:17:29,180 --> 00:17:31,683 (audience cheering wildly) 351 00:17:37,355 --> 00:17:39,357 (prolonged applause and cheering) 352 00:17:41,593 --> 00:17:43,094 JEFF: See? 353 00:17:47,265 --> 00:17:49,334 Uh, just, uh, one question: 354 00:17:49,401 --> 00:17:51,836 Why are we here? 355 00:17:51,903 --> 00:17:54,072 It's a great part of the country. 356 00:17:54,139 --> 00:17:58,143 Not in the winter. Holy crap. 357 00:17:58,209 --> 00:17:59,978 I don't know. I hate being cold. 358 00:18:00,045 --> 00:18:02,347 I even got cold in Vegas last week. 359 00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:04,282 Oh, Vegas, yeah. You took your wife there. 360 00:18:04,349 --> 00:18:05,984 -Oh, yeah. -You know, Vegas has become 361 00:18:06,051 --> 00:18:07,719 a great vacation spot for families. 362 00:18:07,786 --> 00:18:10,021 Oh, yeah, sure, yeah. 363 00:18:10,088 --> 00:18:12,290 That makes sense. Take the family to Vegas. 364 00:18:12,357 --> 00:18:13,358 Yeah. 365 00:18:13,425 --> 00:18:17,128 'Cause kids love whores. 366 00:18:17,195 --> 00:18:18,530 (laughter) 367 00:18:20,432 --> 00:18:23,368 "Look, Mommy, there's a place with poles 368 00:18:23,435 --> 00:18:26,571 like where you used to work." 369 00:18:26,638 --> 00:18:28,473 (laughter) 370 00:18:30,775 --> 00:18:33,211 So, Walter, you been doing anything fun 371 00:18:33,278 --> 00:18:34,546 since we got here? 372 00:18:34,613 --> 00:18:36,948 Uh, yeah. What did I do today? 373 00:18:37,015 --> 00:18:38,984 -I did something fun. -What? 374 00:18:39,050 --> 00:18:42,887 I signed up Achmed to be an organ donor. 375 00:18:42,954 --> 00:18:45,790 Oh, that's funny as hell right there. 376 00:18:45,857 --> 00:18:47,225 I'm getting sick of that guy. 377 00:18:47,292 --> 00:18:49,861 - I think all this fame is going to his head. -Why? 378 00:18:49,928 --> 00:18:52,197 He's been doing all the typical Hollywood stuff. 379 00:18:52,263 --> 00:18:55,600 -Like what? -He's been dating a goat half his age. 380 00:18:57,268 --> 00:19:00,038 Oh, yeah, an actual goat. 381 00:19:00,105 --> 00:19:03,675 He even got her fake teats. 382 00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:07,345 Oh, yeah, all six of 'em. 383 00:19:09,414 --> 00:19:12,017 Walter, a goat only has two. (chuckles) 384 00:19:16,187 --> 00:19:21,426 How sick is it that you actually know that? 385 00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:23,428 What, are you so lonely now, 386 00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:26,931 you're checking out barnyard animals? 387 00:19:26,998 --> 00:19:29,200 You know, they're called "petting zoos," 388 00:19:29,267 --> 00:19:32,003 not "heavy petting zoos." 389 00:19:34,773 --> 00:19:36,341 Come on. What's her name? 390 00:19:36,408 --> 00:19:38,877 -(bleating): Ma-a-argaret. - Will you...?! 391 00:19:38,943 --> 00:19:40,612 (laughter) 392 00:19:47,686 --> 00:19:49,354 Can we change the subject? 393 00:19:49,421 --> 00:19:52,057 Sur-u r-u re. 394 00:19:52,123 --> 00:19:53,892 I'll change the subject, all right. 395 00:19:53,958 --> 00:19:55,527 I heard you talking about something 396 00:19:55,593 --> 00:19:57,228 you hadn't really discussed onstage yet. 397 00:19:57,295 --> 00:19:58,596 -Right. -Okay. 398 00:19:58,663 --> 00:20:01,232 So you're talking about the divorce now. 399 00:20:01,299 --> 00:20:02,367 -Yeah. -Okay. 400 00:20:02,434 --> 00:20:04,102 So can we talk about it? 401 00:20:04,169 --> 00:20:05,937 I already did. 402 00:20:06,004 --> 00:20:08,506 I didn't. 403 00:20:13,611 --> 00:20:18,116 How weird is it that I can make him feel uncomfortable onstage? 404 00:20:21,052 --> 00:20:23,054 So that's it, huh? 405 00:20:23,121 --> 00:20:24,155 That's what? 406 00:20:24,222 --> 00:20:26,658 All those years of being married, 407 00:20:26,725 --> 00:20:28,226 and now it's over. 408 00:20:28,293 --> 00:20:29,294 Yeah. 409 00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:32,263 So, all those years of raising the girls, 410 00:20:32,330 --> 00:20:35,200 and now the family's broken up. 411 00:20:35,266 --> 00:20:36,234 Right. 412 00:20:36,301 --> 00:20:38,603 -So, no more marriage? -Nope. 413 00:20:38,670 --> 00:20:41,106 - No more wife. - No. 414 00:20:41,172 --> 00:20:43,475 What's it like?! 415 00:20:43,541 --> 00:20:47,045 (loud, uncontrollable laughter) 416 00:20:53,718 --> 00:20:58,189 Oh, please let me live vicariously through you! 417 00:20:58,256 --> 00:20:59,257 (laughter) 418 00:20:59,324 --> 00:21:01,426 Walter, divorce is not a good thing. 419 00:21:01,493 --> 00:21:04,129 Oh, you can't lie to me, asshole. 420 00:21:06,731 --> 00:21:07,966 So what happened? 421 00:21:08,032 --> 00:21:10,068 What happened, Walter, is that, unfortunately, 422 00:21:10,135 --> 00:21:11,302 in our country these days, 423 00:21:11,369 --> 00:21:13,772 more than 50% of marriages now end in divorce, 424 00:21:13,838 --> 00:21:16,141 and sadly, mine was on that side of things. 425 00:21:16,207 --> 00:21:17,909 (voice breaking): You know, Jeff, I never thought 426 00:21:17,976 --> 00:21:20,245 I'd say this to you, but you're my hero! 427 00:21:22,714 --> 00:21:23,948 Come on. What's it like 428 00:21:24,015 --> 00:21:27,252 to wake up in the morning and not hate your life? 429 00:21:27,318 --> 00:21:29,220 To not think, "Uh-oh, here she comes!" 430 00:21:29,287 --> 00:21:30,889 Ugh! 431 00:21:33,992 --> 00:21:38,229 You can leave your toilet seat up all the time! 432 00:21:38,296 --> 00:21:41,666 I'd hot-glue mine open, for God's sakes... 433 00:21:41,733 --> 00:21:44,369 and then shit in the backyard. 434 00:21:51,876 --> 00:21:54,846 Just because I could. 435 00:21:54,913 --> 00:21:56,815 Walter, divorce is painful. 436 00:21:56,881 --> 00:22:00,251 Oh, yeah, like a deep-tissue massage. 437 00:22:00,318 --> 00:22:01,553 (screams) 438 00:22:01,619 --> 00:22:03,454 (sighs contentedly) 439 00:22:04,622 --> 00:22:06,558 So how long's it been? 440 00:22:06,624 --> 00:22:07,892 Almost three years now. 441 00:22:07,959 --> 00:22:10,995 Oh, okay. So, you dating anybody now? 442 00:22:11,062 --> 00:22:12,430 Matter of fact, I am. 443 00:22:12,497 --> 00:22:14,465 Oh, good. Female? 444 00:22:16,501 --> 00:22:18,136 Well, you never know. 445 00:22:18,203 --> 00:22:21,306 Sometimes that's the problem. 446 00:22:21,372 --> 00:22:23,308 "Honey, I got bad news and I got good news. 447 00:22:23,374 --> 00:22:25,009 "Bad news is, I want a divorce. 448 00:22:25,076 --> 00:22:27,745 Good news is, I'm on your team now!" 449 00:22:27,812 --> 00:22:31,516 (audience laughs) 450 00:22:31,583 --> 00:22:34,586 Come on, let's knit, Mitch! 451 00:22:38,723 --> 00:22:41,960 So this girl you're dating, is she the same age as you? 452 00:22:42,026 --> 00:22:44,162 - No. - Oh. So she's older. 453 00:22:44,229 --> 00:22:45,697 - No. -(gasps) Younger. 454 00:22:45,763 --> 00:22:47,165 -Yes. -How much younger? 455 00:22:47,232 --> 00:22:50,268 -It doesn't matter. -Yes, it does. 456 00:22:50,335 --> 00:22:54,239 Come on. Does she have nice boobs? 457 00:22:54,305 --> 00:23:00,178 That don't hang down past her knees? 458 00:23:00,245 --> 00:23:04,249 ♪ Do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro'? ♪ 459 00:23:07,185 --> 00:23:09,287 (audience laughs, whistles) 460 00:23:09,354 --> 00:23:11,122 ♪ Can you tie 'em in a knot'? J“ 461 00:23:11,189 --> 00:23:13,958 ♪ Can you tie 'em in a bow? ♪ 462 00:23:14,025 --> 00:23:15,827 ♪ Can you throw 'em o'er your shoulder ♪ 463 00:23:15,894 --> 00:23:17,195 ♪ Like a Continental soldier? ♪ 464 00:23:17,262 --> 00:23:19,998 - ♪ Do your tits... ♪ - All right! 465 00:23:20,064 --> 00:23:21,633 Where do you hear a song like that? 466 00:23:21,699 --> 00:23:23,801 I didn't hear it, I wrote it, dumb-ass. 467 00:23:25,536 --> 00:23:27,105 Bet you never sung it to your wife. 468 00:23:27,171 --> 00:23:28,473 Every morning! 469 00:23:28,539 --> 00:23:29,874 (wheezing laugh) 470 00:23:29,941 --> 00:23:31,809 That's not funny. 471 00:23:31,876 --> 00:23:34,612 Oh, even the dog laughs at that. 472 00:23:34,679 --> 00:23:37,482 (imitates dog howling) 473 00:23:37,548 --> 00:23:40,184 (imitates dog whining) 474 00:23:45,390 --> 00:23:47,859 -That last part was me. -I know. 475 00:23:47,926 --> 00:23:50,328 Walter, you make fun of your wife a lot. 476 00:23:50,395 --> 00:23:53,331 I know. It's funny as hell, isn't it? 477 00:23:53,398 --> 00:23:56,801 You know, your wife is supposed to be your soul mate. 478 00:24:00,238 --> 00:24:02,073 You want to be the pot or the kettle? 479 00:24:02,140 --> 00:24:04,142 (sighs) 480 00:24:07,211 --> 00:24:09,614 You know, I saw an old photo of you and your wife. 481 00:24:09,681 --> 00:24:10,949 Your wife's quite beautiful. 482 00:24:11,015 --> 00:24:14,452 You saw an old photo. 483 00:24:14,519 --> 00:24:16,220 Yeah, I'm kidding, I know. 484 00:24:16,287 --> 00:24:18,589 I married a petite, young, beautiful thing. 485 00:24:18,656 --> 00:24:20,458 -Yeah. -She was eventually eaten 486 00:24:20,525 --> 00:24:23,161 by the woman I live with now. 487 00:24:24,195 --> 00:24:26,831 Ha, ha, ha! 488 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:37,809 You're just flat-out saying your wife's overweight. 489 00:24:37,875 --> 00:24:39,310 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 490 00:24:39,377 --> 00:24:41,379 She's under-tall. 491 00:24:43,381 --> 00:24:44,816 Have you ever had a weight problem? 492 00:24:44,882 --> 00:24:47,819 - Only when she sat on me. - Will you...? 493 00:24:47,885 --> 00:24:50,655 Ah! 494 00:24:50,722 --> 00:24:53,257 Get off of me! 495 00:24:53,324 --> 00:24:55,827 Actually, it's more like this: 496 00:24:55,893 --> 00:24:58,896 (imitating an echo) Hello? ...0...0...o... 497 00:25:02,667 --> 00:25:07,205 It's dark in here! ...here...ere...ere... 498 00:25:07,271 --> 00:25:11,109 I found your keys! ...keys...keys...keys... 499 00:25:11,175 --> 00:25:14,779 I am not kidding. 500 00:25:14,846 --> 00:25:17,048 Then she farted and unlocked the car doors. 501 00:25:20,752 --> 00:25:23,454 What does your wife think when you do things like this? 502 00:25:23,521 --> 00:25:25,256 I don't care. 503 00:25:25,323 --> 00:25:27,125 Well, I know you care enough about your wife 504 00:25:27,191 --> 00:25:29,327 to take her on some of these trips. -Oh, yeah. 505 00:25:29,394 --> 00:25:30,795 Yeah, she loves going on these trips. 506 00:25:30,862 --> 00:25:32,296 I know she loves window shopping. 507 00:25:32,363 --> 00:25:34,298 Not in Amsterdam, she didn't. 508 00:25:34,365 --> 00:25:36,868 (cackles) 509 00:25:37,869 --> 00:25:40,204 Ha! Because in Amsterdam, 510 00:25:40,271 --> 00:25:43,841 there's hookers in the windows! 511 00:25:43,908 --> 00:25:46,310 I love that city. Did you know that in Amsterdam, 512 00:25:46,377 --> 00:25:49,147 you can legally purchase marijuana? 513 00:25:49,213 --> 00:25:50,982 I, uh... yeah... 514 00:25:51,049 --> 00:25:52,483 I did know that. 515 00:25:52,550 --> 00:25:54,152 - Do you know where? - Coffeehouses. 516 00:25:54,218 --> 00:25:56,154 Coffeehouses! 517 00:25:56,220 --> 00:25:59,223 It's my favorite coffee place ever! 518 00:26:00,224 --> 00:26:02,560 I'd like a latte and a doobie. 519 00:26:06,164 --> 00:26:09,167 And 19 dozen donuts, thank you. 520 00:26:09,233 --> 00:26:11,169 (laughter) 521 00:26:11,235 --> 00:26:13,237 (applause) 522 00:26:15,206 --> 00:26:18,476 I know you liked Australia. 523 00:26:18,543 --> 00:26:20,111 Oh, I learned a new word in Australia. 524 00:26:20,178 --> 00:26:21,779 Crickey! 525 00:26:21,846 --> 00:26:24,782 It means, "Oh, shit!" 526 00:26:24,849 --> 00:26:26,784 You know, Walter, I happen to know the word "crickey" 527 00:26:26,851 --> 00:26:28,719 is actually derived from the word "Christ." 528 00:26:28,786 --> 00:26:29,720 Oh. 529 00:26:29,787 --> 00:26:33,524 So it means "holy shit." 530 00:26:36,527 --> 00:26:37,462 Am I going to hell? 531 00:26:37,528 --> 00:26:39,130 -Probably. -Hell. 532 00:26:39,197 --> 00:26:41,966 Well, tomorrow we are driving through West Virginia, 533 00:26:42,033 --> 00:26:43,134 so what the hell? 534 00:26:43,201 --> 00:26:45,570 (audience roars with laughter) 535 00:26:55,046 --> 00:26:57,181 Why did you do that? 536 00:26:57,248 --> 00:26:59,517 I don't care, I'm going home in a suitcase. 537 00:26:59,584 --> 00:27:01,119 (laughs) 538 00:27:01,185 --> 00:27:04,288 Did you tell 'em about our shows in South Africa'? 539 00:27:04,355 --> 00:27:05,590 -Yes, I did. -Yeah. 540 00:27:05,656 --> 00:27:07,425 -How many shows did we do there? -Nine. 541 00:27:07,492 --> 00:27:09,227 How many folks were in the audiences? 542 00:27:09,293 --> 00:27:11,095 Each audience? About five or six thousand people. 543 00:27:11,162 --> 00:27:13,331 -That's what threw me off. -The number of people? 544 00:27:13,397 --> 00:27:18,102 - No, the people that were in the audiences. -What? 545 00:27:18,169 --> 00:27:20,438 Well, everybody in the audience in South Africa, 546 00:27:20,505 --> 00:27:23,107 they were all, you know, uh... white. 547 00:27:25,510 --> 00:27:27,612 -So? -What do you mean, so? 548 00:27:27,678 --> 00:27:31,115 We were in Africa, you moron. 549 00:27:31,182 --> 00:27:35,153 Haven't you ever looked at National Geographic? 550 00:27:35,219 --> 00:27:38,956 I thought everybody there was, uh, you know... the opposite. 551 00:27:39,023 --> 00:27:41,259 And then I'd look out in the crowd and I'd think, 552 00:27:41,325 --> 00:27:44,028 "Well, where the hell are all the flies?" 553 00:27:44,095 --> 00:27:51,802 Oh! Like you haven't seen the same commercials I have! 554 00:27:51,869 --> 00:27:54,605 Everybody looked healthy! 555 00:27:54,672 --> 00:27:55,840 I'm sitting there thinking, 556 00:27:55,907 --> 00:27:59,810 well, that "We Are the World" thing really worked out! 557 00:28:00,845 --> 00:28:04,415 You're welcome! 558 00:28:04,482 --> 00:28:06,751 Hell, the way our economy is here now, 559 00:28:06,817 --> 00:28:09,820 they should be sending us back some of that money. 560 00:28:13,691 --> 00:28:15,760 Okay, Walter, uh, a couple of things. 561 00:28:15,826 --> 00:28:18,062 First of all, the area of South Africa we were in, 562 00:28:18,129 --> 00:28:20,665 yes, the population was predominately white. 563 00:28:20,731 --> 00:28:22,233 Oh, duh. 564 00:28:23,834 --> 00:28:26,804 And as for the extreme poverty, yes, there's a lot of that 565 00:28:26,871 --> 00:28:29,473 in many areas in South Africa, as well as many other nations 566 00:28:29,540 --> 00:28:31,642 in Africa; it's a very sad thing. 567 00:28:31,709 --> 00:28:33,444 Uh, there's aid being sent every day... 568 00:28:33,511 --> 00:28:37,114 Will you calm down? What are you, Bono, now? 569 00:28:37,181 --> 00:28:40,117 I'm just saying, it's a great concern, it's very sad, 570 00:28:40,184 --> 00:28:41,786 it's being taken care of, they're being helped. 571 00:28:41,852 --> 00:28:43,187 Okay, okay, Okay- 572 00:28:43,254 --> 00:28:44,188 The housing is awful... 573 00:28:44,255 --> 00:28:45,790 Ooh, can we talk about the housing? 574 00:28:45,856 --> 00:28:47,124 - No. - Okay, listen up. 575 00:28:47,191 --> 00:28:48,259 Wait a minute. 576 00:28:48,326 --> 00:28:51,796 -In the poorest areas... -We, we went there. 577 00:28:51,862 --> 00:28:54,031 Yeah, we visited them. I'm not making any jokes, 578 00:28:54,098 --> 00:28:56,133 I'm just passing on information. 579 00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:59,203 In the poorest areas, their houses-- I'm not kidding- 580 00:28:59,270 --> 00:29:02,406 were all built out of poo. 581 00:29:04,308 --> 00:29:05,743 Cow dung. 582 00:29:05,810 --> 00:29:08,412 Shit. 583 00:29:12,450 --> 00:29:16,754 Aw, come on, their houses are built out of shit! 584 00:29:16,821 --> 00:29:19,624 Who the hell made that decision? 585 00:29:19,690 --> 00:29:24,695 Couple of guys sitting around one day, Mtoomba and Chuck. 586 00:29:27,665 --> 00:29:28,766 "Chuck"? 587 00:29:28,833 --> 00:29:31,902 I don't know any African names, do you? 588 00:29:31,969 --> 00:29:35,072 So Mtoomba and Chuck are sitting there one day, 589 00:29:35,139 --> 00:29:37,441 and Mtoomba says, "Hey Chuck, we're going to build a house." 590 00:29:37,508 --> 00:29:38,909 'Course they weren't talking in English, 591 00:29:38,976 --> 00:29:40,511 -it was some African language. -Sure. 592 00:29:40,578 --> 00:29:43,948 Yeah. Probably one of those where they click and stuff. 593 00:29:44,015 --> 00:29:46,717 (clicking tongue) 594 00:29:51,355 --> 00:29:53,357 (hissing, clicking) 595 00:29:55,092 --> 00:29:57,795 -That was Mtoomba. -Oh. 596 00:29:57,862 --> 00:29:59,130 What did he say? 597 00:29:59,196 --> 00:30:02,233 "Hey, Chuck, we're gonna build a house!" 598 00:30:02,300 --> 00:30:03,301 (clicking) 599 00:30:04,969 --> 00:30:06,570 -Was that Chuck? -Yeah. 600 00:30:06,637 --> 00:30:07,905 All right. What did he say? 601 00:30:07,972 --> 00:30:11,242 "Okey-dokey." 602 00:30:11,309 --> 00:30:13,678 And then he said, "What the hell we gonna build 'em out of?" 603 00:30:13,744 --> 00:30:14,912 And the other said, "| don't know. 604 00:30:14,979 --> 00:30:17,748 Well, do we have any materials just laying around?" 605 00:30:17,815 --> 00:30:18,749 "Hmm... 606 00:30:18,816 --> 00:30:19,250 (gasps) 607 00:30:19,317 --> 00:30:21,452 We can use shit!" 608 00:30:21,519 --> 00:30:23,120 (laughter) 609 00:30:23,187 --> 00:30:27,458 So that's what they decided to do. 610 00:30:27,525 --> 00:30:29,226 But that's not the weird part. 611 00:30:29,293 --> 00:30:30,227 What's the weird part? 612 00:30:30,294 --> 00:30:32,963 All the women said, "Okay." 613 00:30:34,699 --> 00:30:37,768 Oh, come on. They built their houses out of poo. 614 00:30:37,835 --> 00:30:42,840 It's like the fourth little pig that no one talks about. 615 00:30:45,843 --> 00:30:48,112 "This little pig built his house out of bricks, 616 00:30:48,179 --> 00:30:50,748 "this one out of sticks, and this one out of straw, 617 00:30:50,815 --> 00:30:56,454 but the fourth little pig built his house out of poo-poo!" 618 00:30:56,520 --> 00:30:58,923 Yeah. Disney never told you about him. 619 00:31:00,524 --> 00:31:03,227 "And the Big Bad Wolf said, I'll huff and I'll puff 620 00:31:03,294 --> 00:31:08,065 and I'll... Oh, my God!" 621 00:31:11,102 --> 00:31:13,738 "l got shit in my nose!" 622 00:31:13,804 --> 00:31:16,941 (laughter) 623 00:31:17,007 --> 00:31:21,412 "What is this, a caca casa? 624 00:31:21,479 --> 00:31:23,914 "Some kind of crap cottage? 625 00:31:23,981 --> 00:31:26,450 "No, it's a poo palace! 626 00:31:26,517 --> 00:31:29,086 "It's a doo-doo dwelling! 627 00:31:29,153 --> 00:31:31,756 "It's a fart fort, I tell ya." 628 00:31:31,822 --> 00:31:35,826 And she lives in a shit shack. 629 00:31:40,831 --> 00:31:43,467 (audience cheering, applauding) 630 00:31:51,809 --> 00:31:54,044 You wake up in the middle of the night and go, 631 00:31:54,111 --> 00:31:56,447 (sniffs) "What's that smell? 632 00:31:56,514 --> 00:32:00,284 Oh, it's the Wall." 633 00:32:00,351 --> 00:32:04,221 Before you go inside, do you have to take off your shoes? 634 00:32:04,288 --> 00:32:07,057 When you drop food, is there a three-second rule? 635 00:32:07,124 --> 00:32:09,126 I don't... 636 00:32:12,129 --> 00:32:15,132 It's raining! Run! 637 00:32:21,505 --> 00:32:24,074 Not long after that, we went a little bit north, 638 00:32:24,141 --> 00:32:26,444 -and went into Europe and the UK. You enjoyed it there. -Yeah. 639 00:32:26,510 --> 00:32:27,912 Did you like the city of London? 640 00:32:27,978 --> 00:32:30,047 I don't know, I got confused one day 641 00:32:30,114 --> 00:32:31,949 -standing in our hotel lobby. -Why? 642 00:32:32,016 --> 00:32:33,918 Some big old black guy walked in to me 643 00:32:33,984 --> 00:32:36,086 and started speaking English with a British accent. 644 00:32:36,153 --> 00:32:39,423 I thought I was in the Twilight Zone. 645 00:32:39,490 --> 00:32:42,092 I swear, some big old black guy walks up to me and goes, 646 00:32:42,159 --> 00:32:45,963 (posh British accent): "Oh, good afternoon, sir!" 647 00:32:46,030 --> 00:32:49,667 I'm like, who the hell is making you talk? What the hell? 648 00:32:57,508 --> 00:32:59,310 And then I didn't know what to call him. 649 00:32:59,376 --> 00:33:00,878 He wasn't an African American. 650 00:33:04,114 --> 00:33:07,384 Yeah, didn't think of that, did you? 651 00:33:07,451 --> 00:33:09,587 What is he, African English? 652 00:33:09,653 --> 00:33:12,723 Why can't we just go back to using the word "black," 653 00:33:12,790 --> 00:33:14,391 it was so much easier! 654 00:33:14,458 --> 00:33:17,728 I have a black dog, not an African retriever! 655 00:33:17,795 --> 00:33:19,797 (laughter) 656 00:33:26,770 --> 00:33:28,906 Then we went to Ireland. 657 00:33:28,973 --> 00:33:30,508 -I got all confused there. -Why? 658 00:33:30,574 --> 00:33:32,343 Everybody's last name starts with 659 00:33:32,409 --> 00:33:33,777 O'Malley, O'Shea. 660 00:33:33,844 --> 00:33:35,913 - I think I know a black Irish guy. -Who's that? 661 00:33:35,980 --> 00:33:37,515 O'Bama. 662 00:33:37,581 --> 00:33:39,683 (laughter) 663 00:33:45,556 --> 00:33:47,324 I don't think Obama's Irish. 664 00:33:47,391 --> 00:33:49,727 Maybe he's half-Irish, half-African American. 665 00:33:49,793 --> 00:33:51,161 I can't wait to meet him. 666 00:33:51,228 --> 00:33:52,663 I'm going to walk up and go, 667 00:33:52,730 --> 00:33:55,132 "Hey, top of the morning to you there, dawg." 668 00:33:55,199 --> 00:33:58,102 (laughter) 669 00:33:58,168 --> 00:34:01,338 "How's your health care hangin’, yo-yo?" 670 00:34:02,973 --> 00:34:06,477 "Hey, that last election was a bee-yotch." 671 00:34:06,544 --> 00:34:09,079 -Say good night, Walter. -Thank you. 672 00:34:09,146 --> 00:34:10,781 That's Walter. There we go. 673 00:34:10,848 --> 00:34:13,117 (cheering and applause) 674 00:34:19,156 --> 00:34:20,558 (whistling, cheering and applause) 675 00:34:20,624 --> 00:34:22,593 Thank you. 676 00:34:27,665 --> 00:34:29,967 Well, ladies and gentlemen, 677 00:34:30,034 --> 00:34:32,202 there is a terrorist amongst us. 678 00:34:32,269 --> 00:34:34,939 (cheering and whistling) 679 00:34:40,544 --> 00:34:42,947 And I don't know how it's gotten to the point 680 00:34:43,013 --> 00:34:45,683 that I can actually give this introduction, but here it is. 681 00:34:45,749 --> 00:34:46,951 Please help me welcome 682 00:34:47,017 --> 00:34:49,019 the most beloved terrorist throughout the world-- 683 00:34:49,086 --> 00:34:50,821 Achmed the dead terrorist. 684 00:34:50,888 --> 00:34:52,890 (cheering and applause) 685 00:35:03,767 --> 00:35:05,769 (evil laughter) 686 00:35:07,304 --> 00:35:11,075 Greetings, infidels! 687 00:35:11,141 --> 00:35:13,077 (cheering and whistling) 688 00:35:13,143 --> 00:35:15,946 It's good to see you, Achmed. 689 00:35:16,013 --> 00:35:19,783 Ooh, it's good to see you, too, infidel number one. 690 00:35:19,850 --> 00:35:21,085 So you know where we are? 691 00:35:21,151 --> 00:35:22,686 Yes, South Africa. 692 00:35:22,753 --> 00:35:24,722 (laughter) 693 00:35:27,725 --> 00:35:30,761 No? 694 00:35:30,828 --> 00:35:34,865 But Walter said if they're all white, it's South Africa. 695 00:35:34,932 --> 00:35:38,035 (laughter) 696 00:35:38,102 --> 00:35:39,703 No. We're-we're back in the United States. 697 00:35:39,770 --> 00:35:41,505 (gasps) 698 00:35:41,572 --> 00:35:44,241 Are they pissed? 699 00:35:44,308 --> 00:35:46,510 About what in particular? 700 00:35:46,577 --> 00:35:48,679 Well, you know, I kind of look like, uh... 701 00:35:48,746 --> 00:35:51,048 -Oh, yeah. -Yeah, a cab driver. 702 00:35:51,115 --> 00:35:53,484 (laughter) 703 00:35:53,550 --> 00:35:54,918 No, I think you're fine. 704 00:35:54,985 --> 00:35:56,587 And for the folks who might not know, Achmed, 705 00:35:56,654 --> 00:35:58,522 you are a suicide bomber. 706 00:35:58,589 --> 00:35:59,990 Yes, I am. 707 00:36:00,057 --> 00:36:03,360 Don't stand too close. 708 00:36:03,427 --> 00:36:06,163 (evil laughter) 709 00:36:06,230 --> 00:36:08,432 And I think a lot of us might like to know 710 00:36:08,499 --> 00:36:10,601 how you feel about the death of Osama. 711 00:36:10,668 --> 00:36:12,302 (gasps) I didn't do it. 712 00:36:12,369 --> 00:36:13,937 (laughter) 713 00:36:14,004 --> 00:36:16,707 I didn't say you did. 714 00:36:16,774 --> 00:36:18,909 Oh, right. Yeah, uh-huh. 715 00:36:18,976 --> 00:36:20,544 (laughing): All right, yeah, yeah. 716 00:36:20,611 --> 00:36:21,879 Wait a minute. 717 00:36:21,945 --> 00:36:23,747 Did you have something to do with it'? 718 00:36:23,814 --> 00:36:24,748 Yeah“.No! 719 00:36:24,815 --> 00:36:26,884 Yes... No, no, no... no! 720 00:36:26,950 --> 00:36:29,920 That Navy SEAL training was just for laughs. 721 00:36:29,987 --> 00:36:31,789 (giggling) 722 00:36:31,855 --> 00:36:34,124 Wait a minute, you trained as a Navy SEAL? 723 00:36:34,191 --> 00:36:35,492 No... Ye... No! No! 724 00:36:35,559 --> 00:36:36,927 How did you know? 725 00:36:36,994 --> 00:36:38,529 Who said anything about Navy SEALS? 726 00:36:38,595 --> 00:36:40,097 I'm just a simple little terrorist. 727 00:36:40,164 --> 00:36:42,800 Stop interrogating me! Damn it, you're good at this! 728 00:36:42,866 --> 00:36:44,301 (laughter) 729 00:36:44,368 --> 00:36:45,969 You're not going to tell anyone, right? 730 00:36:46,036 --> 00:36:47,838 Tell them what? 731 00:36:47,905 --> 00:36:50,174 Oh, thank you. 732 00:36:50,240 --> 00:36:53,110 I will tell you what I do know, though. 733 00:36:53,177 --> 00:36:54,378 What's that? 734 00:36:54,445 --> 00:36:55,679 When Bin Laden died, 735 00:36:55,746 --> 00:36:59,917 there were no 72 virgins waiting for him. 736 00:36:59,983 --> 00:37:02,686 (laughter and applause) 737 00:37:09,460 --> 00:37:11,228 No? 738 00:37:11,295 --> 00:37:14,832 No. It was some kind of misunderstanding. 739 00:37:14,898 --> 00:37:18,769 Turned out, it was one 72-year-old virgin. 740 00:37:18,836 --> 00:37:21,405 (laughter) 741 00:37:21,472 --> 00:37:25,642 Osama is stuck forever with Bea Arthur. 742 00:37:25,709 --> 00:37:27,711 (laughter) 743 00:37:28,946 --> 00:37:32,916 And Osama and I agree that that 72 virgin thing 744 00:37:32,983 --> 00:37:34,418 is highly overrated. 745 00:37:34,485 --> 00:37:35,753 How's that? 746 00:37:35,819 --> 00:37:37,554 Who wants to hear this 72 times? 747 00:37:37,621 --> 00:37:41,058 "Ooh, ow, oh! Boo-hoo-hoo! 748 00:37:42,659 --> 00:37:44,762 You're gonna call me, right?" 749 00:37:44,828 --> 00:37:46,830 (laughter) 750 00:37:49,867 --> 00:37:51,301 Wait a minute. 751 00:37:51,368 --> 00:37:52,870 Wait a minute. You communicate with Osama? 752 00:37:52,936 --> 00:37:54,338 -Of course. -How? 753 00:37:54,404 --> 00:37:56,373 On Face-Shot-Off-Book. 754 00:37:56,440 --> 00:37:58,308 (laughter) 755 00:38:02,346 --> 00:38:04,515 So... 756 00:38:04,581 --> 00:38:06,583 (cheering, applause and whistling) 757 00:38:08,118 --> 00:38:11,021 So, where... where exactly is he? 758 00:38:11,088 --> 00:38:13,357 Well, he won't say, but I'm pretty sure it's Hell. 759 00:38:13,423 --> 00:38:16,026 Why d0 you say that? 760 00:38:16,093 --> 00:38:19,096 Well, they get cable, but they only get one channel. 761 00:38:19,163 --> 00:38:23,100 -What? -The Oprah Winfrey Network. 762 00:38:23,167 --> 00:38:25,636 Wait a minute. 763 00:38:25,702 --> 00:38:27,871 (laughter and applause) 764 00:38:27,938 --> 00:38:30,474 Come on, Achmed, a lot of people 765 00:38:30,541 --> 00:38:31,875 love Oprah. 766 00:38:31,942 --> 00:38:33,710 Were you ever on her show? 767 00:38:33,777 --> 00:38:37,848 - No. - She doesn't love you. 768 00:38:37,915 --> 00:38:39,650 And also I know why 769 00:38:39,716 --> 00:38:42,920 they would not show the photo of dead Osama. 770 00:38:42,986 --> 00:38:44,221 Why is that? 771 00:38:44,288 --> 00:38:45,689 It's a little hard to explain, 772 00:38:45,756 --> 00:38:48,392 but when he was killed, he was dressed up like Cher. 773 00:38:48,458 --> 00:38:50,260 (laughter) 774 00:38:51,261 --> 00:38:52,830 Well, since he's dead, 775 00:38:52,896 --> 00:38:54,965 do you think they're going to come after you now? 776 00:38:55,032 --> 00:38:56,166 (laughing) 777 00:38:56,233 --> 00:38:57,801 Wait, what? 778 00:38:57,868 --> 00:39:00,370 Well, you're a terrorist. 779 00:39:00,437 --> 00:39:02,573 Yeah, but I suck at it. 780 00:39:02,639 --> 00:39:04,875 You know, the military has the deck of cards 781 00:39:04,942 --> 00:39:07,811 of the 52 most wanted terrorists. 782 00:39:07,878 --> 00:39:09,112 Are you one of those? 783 00:39:09,179 --> 00:39:12,216 Yeah, but I'm in the Go-Fish deck. 784 00:39:12,282 --> 00:39:13,584 (laughter) 785 00:39:13,650 --> 00:39:16,220 Well, what did you think about them burying him at sea? 786 00:39:16,286 --> 00:39:17,621 I think it's cool 787 00:39:17,688 --> 00:39:19,690 that he could end up anywhere. 788 00:39:19,756 --> 00:39:21,024 What do you mean? 789 00:39:21,091 --> 00:39:24,061 That is one episode of SpongeBob I got to see. 790 00:39:24,127 --> 00:39:25,629 (laughter) 791 00:39:25,696 --> 00:39:27,297 (cackling) 792 00:39:27,364 --> 00:39:30,834 I wrote that. I keel me. 793 00:39:30,901 --> 00:39:33,537 Achmed, since you're clearly a terrorist, 794 00:39:33,604 --> 00:39:34,805 are you Muslim? 795 00:39:34,872 --> 00:39:36,907 No. Scientologist. 796 00:39:38,876 --> 00:39:39,977 (laughter) 797 00:39:40,043 --> 00:39:41,478 But you used to be Muslim? 798 00:39:41,545 --> 00:39:43,380 No. Look at me. 799 00:39:43,447 --> 00:39:44,915 I'm too extreme. 800 00:39:44,982 --> 00:39:47,517 I was Catholic. 801 00:39:47,584 --> 00:39:48,919 (laughter) 802 00:39:48,986 --> 00:39:50,087 Really? 803 00:39:50,153 --> 00:39:51,922 -And Methodist... -What? 804 00:39:51,989 --> 00:39:53,090 -Buddhist... -What? 805 00:39:53,156 --> 00:39:54,491 -And Baptist... -What? 806 00:39:54,558 --> 00:39:56,560 -And Capricorn. -Wait a minute. 807 00:39:56,627 --> 00:39:57,895 What are you doing? 808 00:39:57,961 --> 00:40:00,931 I'm trying to offend as many infidels as possible. 809 00:40:00,998 --> 00:40:02,966 (evil laughter) 810 00:40:03,033 --> 00:40:04,968 And speaking of offending, 811 00:40:05,035 --> 00:40:08,038 do you know what that idiot Peanut did to me? 812 00:40:08,105 --> 00:40:09,373 What? 813 00:40:09,439 --> 00:40:11,174 He stole my ShamW0w. 814 00:40:11,241 --> 00:40:12,809 (laughter) 815 00:40:12,876 --> 00:40:15,846 It's not funny! 816 00:40:15,913 --> 00:40:18,482 Silence! 817 00:40:18,548 --> 00:40:21,184 (laughter) 818 00:40:22,719 --> 00:40:24,655 Wait for it. 819 00:40:24,721 --> 00:40:26,924 (uproarious laughter) 820 00:40:26,990 --> 00:40:28,992 (cheering) 821 00:40:32,062 --> 00:40:34,164 l keel you! 822 00:40:34,231 --> 00:40:38,068 (cheering and applause) 823 00:40:40,037 --> 00:40:42,406 That's fantastic. 824 00:40:42,472 --> 00:40:45,175 Let's do it together. One, two, three... 825 00:40:45,242 --> 00:40:47,544 ALL: I keel you! 826 00:40:47,611 --> 00:40:49,212 They're talking to you. 827 00:40:49,279 --> 00:40:50,814 (laughter) 828 00:40:50,881 --> 00:40:52,849 So, Achmed, are you enjoying Richmond? 829 00:40:52,916 --> 00:40:54,985 Oh, I love the nightlife here. 830 00:40:55,052 --> 00:40:56,586 Uh, what part of the nightlife? 831 00:40:56,653 --> 00:40:59,756 They have live sex shows. 832 00:40:59,823 --> 00:41:02,059 Really? Where? 833 00:41:02,125 --> 00:41:04,628 In the hotel room right next to mine. 834 00:41:04,695 --> 00:41:06,396 (laughter) 835 00:41:15,739 --> 00:41:17,874 (laughter) 836 00:41:17,941 --> 00:41:19,776 What? 837 00:41:19,843 --> 00:41:21,545 That's my room. 838 00:41:29,353 --> 00:41:31,355 (cheering and whistling) 839 00:41:38,328 --> 00:41:41,531 Next time you should get a partner. 840 00:41:41,598 --> 00:41:44,401 (laughter) 841 00:41:47,838 --> 00:41:49,506 Can we talk about something else? 842 00:41:49,573 --> 00:41:50,707 I'm trying to throw up, 843 00:41:50,774 --> 00:41:52,676 but I don't have a stomach. 844 00:41:52,743 --> 00:41:54,244 (laughter) 845 00:41:54,311 --> 00:41:55,879 So, look, Walter and I 846 00:41:55,946 --> 00:41:57,547 were talking earlier, 847 00:41:57,614 --> 00:42:00,217 and you've gotten pretty famous now, lately, haven't you? 848 00:42:00,283 --> 00:42:01,451 Oh, yes. 849 00:42:01,518 --> 00:42:02,753 And I think very soon, 850 00:42:02,819 --> 00:42:04,688 I'm going to need my own posse. 851 00:42:05,689 --> 00:42:08,258 That's with an "O." 852 00:42:08,325 --> 00:42:11,128 (laughter) 853 00:42:13,764 --> 00:42:16,299 Po-o-o-sse. 854 00:42:16,366 --> 00:42:20,237 P-P-00... 855 00:42:20,303 --> 00:42:22,239 . .0539 . 856 00:42:22,305 --> 00:42:24,975 Posse. 857 00:42:25,042 --> 00:42:26,977 Why are you explaining that? 858 00:42:27,044 --> 00:42:30,047 In Amsterdam, they thought I said something else. 859 00:42:30,113 --> 00:42:32,516 (laughter) 860 00:42:32,582 --> 00:42:36,286 I don't even like cats. 861 00:42:36,353 --> 00:42:38,355 (laughter and applause) 862 00:42:41,191 --> 00:42:44,327 P-P-o... P-P-o... 863 00:42:44,394 --> 00:42:46,096 P-P-0... 864 00:42:46,163 --> 00:42:48,899 P-P-P-o... 865 00:42:48,965 --> 00:42:51,301 P-P... 866 00:42:51,368 --> 00:42:54,004 P-P-0... 867 00:42:54,071 --> 00:42:56,406 P-P-P... 868 00:42:58,575 --> 00:43:01,011 How am I doing that with no lips? 869 00:43:01,078 --> 00:43:03,313 (laughter) 870 00:43:03,380 --> 00:43:06,883 (cheering and applause) 871 00:43:12,556 --> 00:43:14,424 That's what she said. 872 00:43:14,491 --> 00:43:16,660 -(cackling) _(laughter) 873 00:43:24,367 --> 00:43:27,537 I can't believe you did that. 874 00:43:27,604 --> 00:43:29,840 That's what she said. 875 00:43:29,906 --> 00:43:31,908 (laughter) 876 00:43:31,975 --> 00:43:33,343 Will you stop it? 877 00:43:33,410 --> 00:43:35,078 That's what she said! 878 00:43:35,145 --> 00:43:36,947 I don't like this. 879 00:43:37,013 --> 00:43:38,348 (squealing): That's what she said! 880 00:43:38,415 --> 00:43:40,517 (laughter) 881 00:43:47,157 --> 00:43:48,425 How long is this? 882 00:43:48,492 --> 00:43:50,527 (high-pitched squealing): That's what she said! 883 00:43:50,594 --> 00:43:54,264 (loud laughter and applause) 884 00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:12,682 Think about it. 885 00:44:16,987 --> 00:44:19,589 So you were talking to Walter earlier? 886 00:44:21,958 --> 00:44:24,227 Damn it! 887 00:44:24,294 --> 00:44:26,396 Yes, and I said, 888 00:44:26,463 --> 00:44:30,734 "I'm going to call you my bee-yotch." 889 00:44:30,800 --> 00:44:33,370 That means "bitch." 890 00:44:33,436 --> 00:44:34,371 I know that. 891 00:44:34,437 --> 00:44:35,405 I'm sorry. 892 00:44:35,472 --> 00:44:37,507 I'd been watching Pimp My Camel. 893 00:44:39,209 --> 00:44:41,778 You do seem like you've been in a pretty good mood lately. 894 00:44:41,845 --> 00:44:42,879 - Do you know why? - No. 895 00:44:42,946 --> 00:44:44,648 Because like Santa Claus, 896 00:44:44,714 --> 00:44:47,117 I have been making a list of people 897 00:44:47,184 --> 00:44:49,286 to kill twice. 898 00:44:49,352 --> 00:44:50,654 Santa doesn't kill people. 899 00:44:50,720 --> 00:44:54,257 He does if he's Terror Claus. 900 00:44:54,324 --> 00:44:55,992 Terror Claus? I've never heard of him. 901 00:44:56,059 --> 00:44:58,328 ♪ Ch... 902 00:44:58,395 --> 00:45:02,999 ♪ He kills you when you're sleeping ♪ 903 00:45:04,367 --> 00:45:07,537 ♪ He chokes you when you wake ♪ 904 00:45:07,604 --> 00:45:10,507 ♪ He knows if you are Catholic or Jew ♪ 905 00:45:10,574 --> 00:45:13,310 ♪ So denounce your infidel faith. ♪ 906 00:45:13,376 --> 00:45:15,378 (laughter and cheers) 907 00:45:23,253 --> 00:45:24,454 That's terrible. 908 00:45:24,521 --> 00:45:26,623 But catchy! 909 00:45:26,690 --> 00:45:28,858 Have you heard of the Terror Bunny? 910 00:45:28,925 --> 00:45:31,328 - No. - He hides Easter bombs. 911 00:45:31,394 --> 00:45:35,565 Look, Mommy. (mimics explosion) 912 00:45:37,667 --> 00:45:39,169 That's even worse. 913 00:45:39,236 --> 00:45:42,138 I know. Thank you for noticing. 914 00:45:42,205 --> 00:45:44,274 What do you want, more stinking knock-knock jokes? 915 00:45:44,341 --> 00:45:45,408 That might be better. 916 00:45:45,475 --> 00:45:46,743 -Okay. Knock-knock. -Who's there? 917 00:45:46,810 --> 00:45:48,245 Me. I keel you again. 918 00:45:48,311 --> 00:45:49,746 (laughs) 919 00:45:49,813 --> 00:45:51,114 You're such an idiot. 920 00:45:51,181 --> 00:45:53,617 You keep answering the door! 921 00:45:53,683 --> 00:45:54,651 Where I am from, 922 00:45:54,718 --> 00:45:56,219 the game we teach our children is, 923 00:45:56,286 --> 00:45:57,420 when someone says, "Knock-knock," 924 00:45:57,487 --> 00:46:00,023 you shut the fuck up and hide. 925 00:46:04,661 --> 00:46:07,764 So, Achmed, did your parents have much 926 00:46:07,831 --> 00:46:09,332 to do with what you do now? 927 00:46:09,399 --> 00:46:10,533 Well, uh, I guess so. 928 00:46:10,600 --> 00:46:12,369 My father was a suicide bomber. 929 00:46:12,435 --> 00:46:14,170 Oh, so you guys are a lot alike? 930 00:46:14,237 --> 00:46:15,872 Well, I have his eyes. 931 00:46:18,275 --> 00:46:20,710 In a box. 932 00:46:20,777 --> 00:46:23,446 And I like to hide them wherever Walter is sleeping. 933 00:46:23,513 --> 00:46:24,814 That way, when he wakes up, 934 00:46:24,881 --> 00:46:26,283 it scares the crap out of him. 935 00:46:26,349 --> 00:46:28,618 WALTER (distant): You son of a bitch, 936 00:46:28,685 --> 00:46:31,488 I'll kick your ass right now! 937 00:46:31,554 --> 00:46:33,556 (applause and cheering) 938 00:46:38,928 --> 00:46:41,598 ls that case locked from the outside? 939 00:46:41,665 --> 00:46:42,799 Yeah. Why? 940 00:46:42,866 --> 00:46:45,368 'Cause he still scares the crap out of me! 941 00:46:45,435 --> 00:46:46,569 So, Achmed, do you have 942 00:46:46,636 --> 00:46:48,171 any good memories of your father? 943 00:46:48,238 --> 00:46:49,673 Uh, for my eighth birthday, 944 00:46:49,739 --> 00:46:51,641 -he got me a puppy. -That's good. 945 00:46:51,708 --> 00:46:54,110 -No, it turned into a disaster. -Why? 946 00:46:54,177 --> 00:46:56,246 Because sometimes my father was 947 00:46:56,313 --> 00:46:57,247 a very confused man, 948 00:46:57,314 --> 00:46:58,848 and that day my mother told him 949 00:46:58,915 --> 00:47:01,284 -to go out and blow up some party balloons. -Yeah? 950 00:47:01,351 --> 00:47:06,256 (sadly): And that's how I got a dog with no legs. 951 00:47:06,323 --> 00:47:08,091 You had a dog with no legs? 952 00:47:08,158 --> 00:47:09,259 Yeah, he was great. 953 00:47:09,326 --> 00:47:10,760 I had him for many years. 954 00:47:10,827 --> 00:47:12,862 Oh. So what'd you call him? 955 00:47:16,533 --> 00:47:18,902 Seriously? 956 00:47:21,371 --> 00:47:23,773 Seriously. 957 00:47:23,840 --> 00:47:24,808 What? 958 00:47:24,874 --> 00:47:27,243 I had a dog with no legs. 959 00:47:28,812 --> 00:47:31,581 What did you call him? 960 00:47:33,216 --> 00:47:35,785 Seriously? 961 00:47:37,420 --> 00:47:38,688 Okay, you're a comedian, right? 962 00:47:38,755 --> 00:47:39,956 Yeah. 963 00:47:40,023 --> 00:47:42,292 I had a dog 964 00:47:42,359 --> 00:47:44,961 with no legs. 965 00:47:46,029 --> 00:47:49,766 (sinisterly): Ask me again. 966 00:48:05,281 --> 00:48:06,816 What'd you call him? 967 00:48:06,883 --> 00:48:11,554 I didn't call him anything because he could never come. 968 00:48:11,621 --> 00:48:15,225 It's not funny! 969 00:48:16,793 --> 00:48:19,863 Achmed, that's, that's, like, the oldest joke ever. 970 00:48:19,929 --> 00:48:23,166 (voice breaking): Yes, but in my case, it was true. 971 00:48:23,233 --> 00:48:24,901 AUDIENCE: AW... 972 00:48:24,968 --> 00:48:27,704 Thanks. 973 00:48:27,771 --> 00:48:31,007 Could he do any tricks? 974 00:48:41,384 --> 00:48:44,888 He could roll over. 975 00:48:44,954 --> 00:48:48,224 It's not funny because if there is any kind of an incline, 976 00:48:48,291 --> 00:48:51,127 he couldn't stop himself! 977 00:48:51,194 --> 00:48:53,696 He looked like a runaway can of pinto beans 978 00:48:53,763 --> 00:48:55,899 rolling down a hill. 979 00:48:55,965 --> 00:48:59,669 It was the only time I ever saw a cat actually laugh. 980 00:48:59,736 --> 00:49:01,404 Meow. (hiccups) 981 00:49:01,471 --> 00:49:02,472 Meow. (hiccups) Meow. (hiccups) 982 00:49:02,539 --> 00:49:04,741 (faster) Meow. (hiccups) Meow. (hiccups) 983 00:49:04,808 --> 00:49:06,709 (gasping groan) 984 00:49:06,776 --> 00:49:08,144 What was that? 985 00:49:08,211 --> 00:49:10,346 I killed the fucking cat. 986 00:49:13,716 --> 00:49:15,485 So, Achmed, when did you know you wanted 987 00:49:15,552 --> 00:49:16,653 to be a suicide bomber? 988 00:49:16,719 --> 00:49:20,156 After talking to my guidance counselor. 989 00:49:20,223 --> 00:49:21,157 Your guidance counselor? 990 00:49:21,224 --> 00:49:22,559 -In high school. -High school? 991 00:49:22,625 --> 00:49:25,061 Al Qaeda High. 992 00:49:25,128 --> 00:49:26,496 Al Qaeda High? 993 00:49:26,563 --> 00:49:28,731 ♪ Ch... 994 00:49:28,798 --> 00:49:33,269 ♪ All hail to the Al Qaeda High ♪ 995 00:49:33,336 --> 00:49:37,440 ♪ We blow up, then we die. ♪ 996 00:49:37,507 --> 00:49:38,675 Everybody! 997 00:49:38,741 --> 00:49:40,477 Wait, wait, wait. This is your high school? 998 00:49:40,543 --> 00:49:41,644 Who's your mascot? 999 00:49:41,711 --> 00:49:43,146 The next guy on the list. 1000 00:49:49,519 --> 00:49:50,587 Oh, it was, like 1001 00:49:50,653 --> 00:49:53,423 "Go, team! (mimics explosion) 1002 00:49:53,490 --> 00:49:55,692 Next. 1003 00:49:55,758 --> 00:49:57,427 So how were the cheerleaders at your school? 1004 00:49:57,494 --> 00:49:58,828 Oh, we didn't even have girls. 1005 00:49:58,895 --> 00:49:59,963 NO girls? 1006 00:50:00,029 --> 00:50:03,032 No. I had to take my buddy Omar to the prom. 1007 00:50:03,099 --> 00:50:06,102 Hey, he could dance! 1008 00:50:06,169 --> 00:50:09,005 Later, he became The Village Person. 1009 00:50:09,072 --> 00:50:11,508 I'm not kidding! 1010 00:50:11,574 --> 00:50:13,910 Wait. Your buddy Omar was in the singing group 1011 00:50:13,977 --> 00:50:15,745 -The Village People? -Uh-huh. 1012 00:50:15,812 --> 00:50:16,980 -Which guy was he? -What? 1013 00:50:17,046 --> 00:50:18,248 Was he, like, the cowboy 1014 00:50:18,314 --> 00:50:19,282 or the construction worker? 1015 00:50:19,349 --> 00:50:21,117 - Indian. - He was the Indian. 1016 00:50:21,184 --> 00:50:23,486 (chanting): J‘ HV-ya, hy_ya, hy-ya. J" 1017 00:50:23,553 --> 00:50:25,455 (mimics explosion) 1018 00:50:25,522 --> 00:50:26,990 What was that? 1019 00:50:27,056 --> 00:50:28,391 A bomb. 1020 00:50:28,458 --> 00:50:31,461 Native Americans didn't use bombs. 1021 00:50:31,528 --> 00:50:34,697 T Hy-ya, hy-ya, hy-ya. ♪ 1022 00:50:34,764 --> 00:50:36,966 (hisses, thud, groans) 1023 00:50:37,867 --> 00:50:40,904 Hey! They got it! 1024 00:50:43,306 --> 00:50:46,409 They knew that I got shot by an arrow. 1025 00:50:46,476 --> 00:50:48,912 I must be a pretty good actor. 1026 00:50:48,978 --> 00:50:51,047 Can I try it again to make sure 1027 00:50:51,114 --> 00:50:52,482 -it wasn't a fluke? -Sure. 1028 00:50:52,549 --> 00:50:55,718 Okay, this time, slightly bigger arrow, more drama. 1029 00:50:55,785 --> 00:50:56,886 (hisses, thud) 1030 00:50:56,953 --> 00:50:59,088 (screaming loudly) 1031 00:51:00,390 --> 00:51:02,992 Oh, look at that! 1032 00:51:04,494 --> 00:51:06,496 (audience cheering) 1033 00:51:11,834 --> 00:51:14,537 I'm a thesbian. 1034 00:51:14,604 --> 00:51:16,773 Not like Ellen. 1035 00:51:19,709 --> 00:51:22,145 Well, she's a lesbian, 1036 00:51:22,211 --> 00:51:23,680 and I said "thesbian" 1037 00:51:23,746 --> 00:51:26,583 and the words are similar. 1038 00:51:26,649 --> 00:51:27,951 Not in meaning. 1039 00:51:28,017 --> 00:51:32,088 Unless you're a lesbian thesbian. 1040 00:51:32,155 --> 00:51:35,325 ♪ Chika-chika, wrow-wrow. ♪ 1041 00:51:38,895 --> 00:51:40,229 -I like Ellen. -Yeah. 1042 00:51:40,296 --> 00:51:41,364 -She's cute. -Yeah. 1043 00:51:41,431 --> 00:51:43,833 -You think I got a shot with her? -A shot? 1044 00:51:43,900 --> 00:51:45,401 You know, like, to date her? 1045 00:51:45,468 --> 00:51:46,803 Oh, come on. She could play on 1046 00:51:46,869 --> 00:51:48,271 the other team for a little while. 1047 00:51:48,338 --> 00:51:51,774 You know, like a visitor. 1048 00:51:51,841 --> 00:51:54,110 Achmed, she's married to another woman. 1049 00:51:54,177 --> 00:51:57,013 (gasps) Who is this bitch? 1050 00:51:57,080 --> 00:51:59,816 Come on. What does she have that I don't? 1051 00:52:04,020 --> 00:52:07,256 What? I no longer have the hoogh-hagh. 1052 00:52:07,323 --> 00:52:08,658 Don't look! 1053 00:52:10,226 --> 00:52:11,995 You look to my hoogh-hagh area, 1054 00:52:12,061 --> 00:52:14,564 I keel you where you stand. 1055 00:52:16,866 --> 00:52:21,137 But if I keel you, please don't drop me. 1056 00:52:21,204 --> 00:52:24,207 What happened to your hoo-ha? 1057 00:52:26,376 --> 00:52:27,443 My What? 1058 00:52:27,510 --> 00:52:30,613 You said you no longer have a hoo-ha. 1059 00:52:30,680 --> 00:52:32,915 No, I didn't. 1060 00:52:32,982 --> 00:52:34,951 Yes, you did. 1061 00:52:35,018 --> 00:52:36,119 No, I didn't. 1062 00:52:36,185 --> 00:52:38,287 I said, hoogh-hagh. 1063 00:52:38,354 --> 00:52:42,392 What the hell's a "hoo-ha"? 1064 00:52:42,458 --> 00:52:46,496 That's like a laughing owl. 1065 00:52:46,562 --> 00:52:49,866 Hoo-ha! Hoo-ha! 1066 00:52:51,367 --> 00:52:53,636 What happened to your hoogh-hagh? 1067 00:52:53,703 --> 00:52:55,571 Oh, after the explosion, it ended up 1068 00:52:55,638 --> 00:52:58,908 over there, over there and up there. 1069 00:52:58,975 --> 00:53:01,244 I see. 1070 00:53:01,310 --> 00:53:04,180 So you no longer have a... a hoogh-hagh. 1071 00:53:04,247 --> 00:53:06,582 - No. - But you like women? 1072 00:53:06,649 --> 00:53:07,617 Yes. (gasps) 1073 00:53:07,684 --> 00:53:10,520 I'm a lesbian! 1074 00:53:12,255 --> 00:53:15,625 I told you I got a shot with Ellen! 1075 00:53:15,692 --> 00:53:18,094 Do you think she likes actors? 1076 00:53:18,161 --> 00:53:19,162 I don't know. 1077 00:53:19,228 --> 00:53:21,230 Let me try this arrow thing one more time. 1078 00:53:21,297 --> 00:53:22,932 -I can prove I can act. -Okay. 1079 00:53:22,999 --> 00:53:24,467 Okay, this time, much bigger arrow, 1080 00:53:24,534 --> 00:53:25,601 much more drama. 1081 00:53:25,668 --> 00:53:26,602 (hisses, thud) 1082 00:53:26,669 --> 00:53:28,838 (loud groaning scream) 1083 00:53:28,905 --> 00:53:30,740 (scream fades) 1084 00:53:30,807 --> 00:53:33,676 (resumes screaming louder) 1085 00:53:33,743 --> 00:53:36,312 I got shot in the shoulder, not gonna die. 1086 00:53:36,379 --> 00:53:37,613 (screams) 1087 00:53:37,680 --> 00:53:38,614 Now in the stomach. 1088 00:53:38,681 --> 00:53:40,349 (hisses, thud, groans) 1089 00:53:40,416 --> 00:53:44,420 (sustained gasping groan) 1090 00:53:44,487 --> 00:53:47,657 (weakly): Tell Ellen I love her! 1091 00:53:47,724 --> 00:53:51,194 (gasping and groaning) 1092 00:53:52,195 --> 00:53:54,163 Okay, I'm done. I can sit up now. 1093 00:53:54,230 --> 00:53:55,898 Actually, you can't. 1094 00:53:55,965 --> 00:53:57,166 What? 1095 00:53:57,233 --> 00:53:59,235 (laughing): Your ribs are caught on your spine. 1096 00:53:59,302 --> 00:54:00,837 Hang on one second. 1097 00:54:00,903 --> 00:54:03,072 (laughter) 1098 00:54:03,139 --> 00:54:06,242 (applause and cheering) 1099 00:54:12,749 --> 00:54:14,917 What?! 1100 00:54:14,984 --> 00:54:18,354 Son of bitches! 1101 00:54:18,421 --> 00:54:21,390 I keel you from here, you asshole! 1102 00:54:21,457 --> 00:54:24,093 You feed me a sandwich every once in a while, 1103 00:54:24,160 --> 00:54:26,629 this shit would not happen! 1104 00:54:26,696 --> 00:54:27,864 (screams) 1105 00:54:34,504 --> 00:54:37,406 I'm a lesbian, not a cheerleader! 1106 00:54:51,654 --> 00:54:54,090 (laughter and cheering builds) 1107 00:54:54,157 --> 00:54:55,491 (loud whistling) 1108 00:55:03,332 --> 00:55:06,869 (low voice): I keel you. 1109 00:55:06,936 --> 00:55:10,373 I keel you till you're dead! 1110 00:55:10,439 --> 00:55:11,908 And that's worse. 1111 00:55:19,916 --> 00:55:22,985 You make a barbecue joke... 1112 00:55:23,052 --> 00:55:24,387 (laughter) 1113 00:55:30,193 --> 00:55:33,296 ...| keel your family. 1114 00:55:34,363 --> 00:55:37,333 What part of my family? 1115 00:55:37,400 --> 00:55:39,068 (laughter and cheering) 1116 00:55:47,643 --> 00:55:48,578 We can talk. 1117 00:55:48,644 --> 00:55:51,647 All ri... (laughs) 1118 00:55:54,984 --> 00:55:58,087 Sorry about this. 1119 00:55:58,154 --> 00:55:59,922 How do you feel? 1120 00:55:59,989 --> 00:56:01,991 Kind of cold. 1121 00:56:07,597 --> 00:56:09,699 Cut it out. 1122 00:56:09,765 --> 00:56:10,867 Why? 1123 00:56:10,933 --> 00:56:12,935 It tickles. 1124 00:56:17,607 --> 00:56:21,510 Can I... can I try and put this back? 1125 00:56:21,577 --> 00:56:25,815 What am I now? Fucking Lego Achmed? 1126 00:56:34,757 --> 00:56:35,758 I hate you. 1127 00:56:36,792 --> 00:56:39,795 -I want Ellen here... -Oops. 1128 00:56:55,978 --> 00:56:57,747 (audience cheers, applauds) 1129 00:57:05,755 --> 00:57:08,524 - Didn't hurt. - All right. 1130 00:57:08,591 --> 00:57:10,192 So Achmed, let me get this straight. 1131 00:57:10,259 --> 00:57:13,195 So there were never any girls at your school. 1132 00:57:13,262 --> 00:57:16,365 No. But for some reason, we had a girls' restroom. 1133 00:57:16,432 --> 00:57:17,700 I see. 1134 00:57:17,767 --> 00:57:21,270 And one day, Omar and I snuck in there to explore. 1135 00:57:21,337 --> 00:57:23,539 - The girls' restroom? - Uh-huh. 1136 00:57:23,606 --> 00:57:24,707 And what'd you find? 1137 00:57:24,774 --> 00:57:27,710 A couple of strange and wonderful things. 1138 00:57:27,777 --> 00:57:28,711 Like what? 1139 00:57:28,778 --> 00:57:31,948 Well, we found a machine. 1140 00:57:32,014 --> 00:57:35,384 And if you put two shekels in it, 1141 00:57:35,451 --> 00:57:37,453 a small missile would come out. 1142 00:57:45,962 --> 00:57:47,563 - A missile? - Well, I think it was. 1143 00:57:47,630 --> 00:57:49,632 It had a little white fuse. 1144 00:57:53,269 --> 00:57:56,772 And it must have been a very special missile, 1145 00:57:56,839 --> 00:58:01,510 because it was lightly scented. 1146 00:58:01,577 --> 00:58:04,113 And then you could put two shekels in the other machine 1147 00:58:04,180 --> 00:58:07,516 and get the bonus accuracy package. 1148 00:58:07,583 --> 00:58:10,586 -What? -It had wings. 1149 00:58:17,593 --> 00:58:19,328 And you used these missiles? 1150 00:58:19,395 --> 00:58:22,365 With confidence. 1151 00:58:22,431 --> 00:58:25,401 - Really? - Always. 1152 00:58:25,468 --> 00:58:27,370 (laughter) 1153 00:58:32,041 --> 00:58:34,043 (audience whistling) 1154 00:58:35,945 --> 00:58:38,547 Achmed, I've never heard of anything like this before. 1155 00:58:38,614 --> 00:58:40,016 Ooh, do not lie to me, infidel. 1156 00:58:40,082 --> 00:58:41,217 I've been to your house, 1157 00:58:41,283 --> 00:58:42,651 I've seen in your cabinets and drawers, 1158 00:58:42,718 --> 00:58:45,321 many of these missiles hidden away. 1159 00:58:45,388 --> 00:58:48,257 It looks as though you are preparing for war. 1160 00:58:50,292 --> 00:58:54,230 Every four weeks, it feels like that, I'd say so. 1161 00:58:54,296 --> 00:58:58,734 So your soldiers have synchronized their time clocks. 1162 00:58:58,801 --> 00:59:01,170 You could say that. 1163 00:59:01,237 --> 00:59:04,006 -Well, good luck in your battles, my friend. -Thank you. 1164 00:59:04,073 --> 00:59:07,043 I fear there will be much bloodshed. 1165 00:59:07,109 --> 00:59:09,111 (laughter) 1166 00:59:13,883 --> 00:59:17,853 What are the infidels laughing at now? 1167 00:59:17,920 --> 00:59:19,188 I'll explain it to you later. 1168 00:59:19,255 --> 00:59:21,857 l keel you! 1169 00:59:21,924 --> 00:59:24,193 Look, Achmed, I have a surprise to share with you tonight. 1170 00:59:24,260 --> 00:59:27,530 (gasps) You're going in the closet? 1171 00:59:27,596 --> 00:59:29,398 No, and by the way, the, the, 1172 00:59:29,465 --> 00:59:31,200 the phrase is "coming out of the closet." 1173 00:59:31,267 --> 00:59:34,203 Oh, congratulations! 1174 00:59:34,270 --> 00:59:35,871 No, I'm not coming out of the closet. 1175 00:59:35,938 --> 00:59:38,374 You're going to continue to hide the truth? 1176 00:59:38,441 --> 00:59:39,875 I'm not hiding in anything. 1177 00:59:39,942 --> 00:59:43,546 So everyone knows now? Congratulations! 1178 00:59:43,612 --> 00:59:45,181 Achmed, I have a girlfriend. 1179 00:59:45,247 --> 00:59:47,883 (gasps) Does she know? 1180 00:59:47,950 --> 00:59:50,653 Maybe she will like this one guy. 1181 00:59:50,719 --> 00:59:52,221 There is no one guy. 1182 00:59:52,288 --> 00:59:55,224 Then there are many guys? 1183 00:59:55,291 --> 00:59:59,595 You are a whore. 1184 00:59:59,662 --> 01:00:02,565 Now, you should be stoned. 1185 01:00:02,631 --> 01:00:04,033 -Achmed... -What would your mother say? 1186 01:00:04,100 --> 01:00:05,401 I'm not a whore. 1187 01:00:05,468 --> 01:00:08,070 Of course your mother would say she's not a whore. 1188 01:00:08,137 --> 01:00:09,572 I'm straight. 1189 01:00:09,638 --> 01:00:11,373 Straight, crooked, we do not need 1190 01:00:11,440 --> 01:00:13,609 to know such graphic details. 1191 01:00:13,676 --> 01:00:15,678 (laughter) 1192 01:00:17,179 --> 01:00:19,415 I mean, I have a girlfriend. 1193 01:00:19,482 --> 01:00:21,917 Not for long. 1194 01:00:21,984 --> 01:00:25,254 Not when she finds out about your many boyfriends. 1195 01:00:25,321 --> 01:00:28,157 Whore! 1196 01:00:28,224 --> 01:00:30,593 Will you please listen to what I'm saying? 1197 01:00:30,659 --> 01:00:33,662 I do not talk to whores. 1198 01:00:33,729 --> 01:00:36,932 You are dead to me. 1199 01:00:36,999 --> 01:00:39,401 You're dead to all of us. 1200 01:00:44,540 --> 01:00:47,276 (applause and cheering) 1201 01:00:49,678 --> 01:00:51,280 - So, Achmed... - I'm not listening! 1202 01:00:51,347 --> 01:00:53,115 ♪ La-Ia-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! ♪ 1203 01:00:53,182 --> 01:00:55,451 Achmed, there's someone here I want you to meet. 1204 01:00:55,518 --> 01:00:57,987 (gasps) One of your whore boyfriends? 1205 01:00:58,053 --> 01:00:59,622 I think not! 1206 01:00:59,688 --> 01:01:01,891 No, I think this is someone you would like to see. 1207 01:01:01,957 --> 01:01:03,826 (gasps) ls it a woman? 1208 01:01:03,893 --> 01:01:04,894 No. 1209 01:01:04,960 --> 01:01:09,231 I already have a goat. 1210 01:01:09,298 --> 01:01:11,233 This is a surprise guest. 1211 01:01:11,300 --> 01:01:14,570 (gasps) Ryan Seacrest? 1212 01:01:14,637 --> 01:01:15,905 -Nope. -Damn it! 1213 01:01:15,971 --> 01:01:18,174 Look. What I want you to do is, I just want you 1214 01:01:18,240 --> 01:01:19,575 to look over there while I'm getting him out, 1215 01:01:19,642 --> 01:01:20,910 -so you won't peek. -Okay. 1216 01:01:20,976 --> 01:01:22,711 -Just look over there. -O... wait a minute. 1217 01:01:22,778 --> 01:01:26,081 When I'm not looking, are you going to keel me? 1218 01:01:26,148 --> 01:01:28,784 -No. -That's actually a good way of doing it, you know. 1219 01:01:28,851 --> 01:01:32,021 Kinda old-school, but effective. 1220 01:01:32,087 --> 01:01:35,090 It's like "Hey, look at that!" (chokes) Aaah... 1221 01:01:37,326 --> 01:01:39,929 No, just look over there, and don't look back until I say so. 1222 01:01:39,995 --> 01:01:42,431 -Okay, whatever. This is kind of like Christmas, huh? -Yeah. 1223 01:01:42,498 --> 01:01:43,599 -Just look over there. -Okay. 1224 01:01:43,666 --> 01:01:44,767 -And don't peek. -Okay. 1225 01:01:44,833 --> 01:01:46,402 -Right. -Not gonna peek. Just stay over here. 1226 01:01:46,468 --> 01:01:47,436 "New? "NM! 1227 01:01:47,503 --> 01:01:50,272 Okay! (muttering) 1228 01:01:57,446 --> 01:01:59,014 (applause and cheering) 1229 01:01:59,949 --> 01:02:01,150 (screams) 1230 01:02:01,217 --> 01:02:02,585 (yells) 1231 01:02:02,651 --> 01:02:05,955 Who the hell is that? 1232 01:02:06,021 --> 01:02:07,990 (British accent): Hello, Father. 1233 01:02:08,057 --> 01:02:11,026 (audience whistling, applauding) 1234 01:02:16,432 --> 01:02:19,435 (prolonged cheering and whistling) 1235 01:02:23,305 --> 01:02:26,308 It's your son, Achmed Junior. 1236 01:02:27,643 --> 01:02:30,112 AJ? 1237 01:02:30,179 --> 01:02:31,914 That's right. 1238 01:02:31,981 --> 01:02:34,083 ACHMED: Wait... I thought you were dead! 1239 01:02:34,149 --> 01:02:36,051 Surprise. 1240 01:02:36,118 --> 01:02:37,753 This is great. 1241 01:02:37,820 --> 01:02:40,089 Hey! What happened to your face? 1242 01:02:40,155 --> 01:02:43,592 Oh, yeah. My bad. 1243 01:02:43,659 --> 01:02:45,928 Achmed, he's your son. Look at him. What do you see? 1244 01:02:45,995 --> 01:02:47,596 Well, he does have my eye. 1245 01:02:47,663 --> 01:02:49,465 (cackling laugh) 1246 01:02:49,531 --> 01:02:52,668 Actually, I do. Yes, I do. 1247 01:02:52,735 --> 01:02:54,470 Why do you sound like Elton John? 1248 01:02:56,005 --> 01:02:57,773 When you were separated after the accident, 1249 01:02:57,840 --> 01:02:58,941 he was raised in England. 1250 01:02:59,008 --> 01:03:00,376 Did my mum miss me? 1251 01:03:00,442 --> 01:03:05,247 Uh... yeah. I don't know. What the hell. 1252 01:03:05,314 --> 01:03:06,382 How do you not know? 1253 01:03:06,448 --> 01:03:08,450 Oops. 1254 01:03:15,791 --> 01:03:18,894 What's wrong with your leg? 1255 01:03:18,961 --> 01:03:20,262 Nothing! 1256 01:03:20,329 --> 01:03:21,397 What's wrong with my leg? 1257 01:03:21,463 --> 01:03:22,898 I don't know. 1258 01:03:22,965 --> 01:03:25,968 - Can you fix this? - No, I don't think so. 1259 01:03:27,803 --> 01:03:29,805 Damn it. 1260 01:03:35,311 --> 01:03:37,746 -Don't look at me. -Sorry. 1261 01:03:37,813 --> 01:03:40,349 Um, we're going to get Marnel to help us. 1262 01:03:40,416 --> 01:03:41,583 -What? -Marne|, he works for me. 1263 01:03:41,650 --> 01:03:44,219 I know Mar, Mar, Marnel! 1264 01:03:44,286 --> 01:03:46,155 Come fix my leg! 1265 01:03:46,221 --> 01:03:49,591 (murmuring) 1266 01:03:49,658 --> 01:03:51,427 Thanks. 1267 01:03:51,493 --> 01:03:53,262 (applause) 1268 01:03:53,329 --> 01:03:56,332 He's kind of cute. 1269 01:04:02,271 --> 01:04:05,541 Okay, moving on! 1270 01:04:05,607 --> 01:04:08,544 Wait a minute. How do you not know who his mother is? 1271 01:04:08,610 --> 01:04:11,046 I had 46 wives, you idiot. 1272 01:04:11,113 --> 01:04:13,716 They all dressed the same, and their faces were covered. 1273 01:04:13,782 --> 01:04:15,050 How'd you tell them apart? 1274 01:04:15,117 --> 01:04:18,854 The numbers on their backs. 1275 01:04:18,921 --> 01:04:20,589 That's terrible. 1276 01:04:20,656 --> 01:04:24,093 I know, Mother's Day is a bitch. 1277 01:04:24,159 --> 01:04:26,895 And so are most of the mothers. 1278 01:04:26,962 --> 01:04:28,797 That's not funny at all. 1279 01:04:28,864 --> 01:04:31,734 "Ata||"? Who is "Ata||"? 1280 01:04:31,800 --> 01:04:33,502 Was she your mother? I don't remember 1281 01:04:33,569 --> 01:04:36,138 a woman who was all bulgy-eyed like you. 1282 01:04:36,205 --> 01:04:37,740 - Bulgy-eyed? - Well, look at him. 1283 01:04:37,806 --> 01:04:41,744 Well, you're not exactly squinting. 1284 01:04:41,810 --> 01:04:43,445 At least my face is balanced. 1285 01:04:43,512 --> 01:04:47,383 You manage to look asleep and terrified all at the same time. 1286 01:04:47,449 --> 01:04:49,885 -Achmed, he's your son. -Well, the apple 1287 01:04:49,952 --> 01:04:51,387 doesn't fall far from the tree, 1288 01:04:51,453 --> 01:04:54,456 and apparently this one got run over by a fucking lawnmower. 1289 01:05:02,264 --> 01:05:03,565 You caused the accident. 1290 01:05:03,632 --> 01:05:06,201 Accident? It was a huge explosion, 1291 01:05:06,268 --> 01:05:07,870 with great fire and destruction. 1292 01:05:07,936 --> 01:05:10,205 - You didn't mean for it to happen. -I did, too! 1293 01:05:10,272 --> 01:05:12,207 -You did not! -No, Ii... Oh, shit. 1294 01:05:12,274 --> 01:05:15,043 Marnel! 1295 01:05:15,110 --> 01:05:18,881 Son of a bitch! 1296 01:05:18,947 --> 01:05:20,949 Are you talking to me now? 1297 01:05:24,620 --> 01:05:28,557 Fix it right, or I kick your ass. 1298 01:05:28,624 --> 01:05:29,558 Marnel! 1299 01:05:29,625 --> 01:05:31,894 Come back! 1300 01:05:31,960 --> 01:05:35,898 My arm is stuck in my pelvis, you asshole. 1301 01:05:40,402 --> 01:05:42,404 (laughter, applause and cheering) 1302 01:05:49,144 --> 01:05:53,415 He can fix my pelvis anytime. 1303 01:05:53,482 --> 01:05:55,984 -Shut up! -Okay, look. 1304 01:05:56,051 --> 01:05:58,587 Okay, look. So the explosion you were talking about, 1305 01:05:58,654 --> 01:05:59,588 how did it happen? 1306 01:05:59,655 --> 01:06:01,523 Very precise and careful planning. 1307 01:06:01,590 --> 01:06:03,358 -Not exactly. -I said shut up! 1308 01:06:03,425 --> 01:06:04,526 -What happened? -Nothing. 1309 01:06:04,593 --> 01:06:08,864 He was putting gasoline in his scooter. 1310 01:06:08,931 --> 01:06:10,499 So why was there an explosion? 1311 01:06:10,566 --> 01:06:12,634 Shit happens. 1312 01:06:14,269 --> 01:06:15,704 He was using his cell phone. 1313 01:06:15,771 --> 01:06:17,272 -Really? -What? 1314 01:06:17,339 --> 01:06:18,540 While putting gas in your scooter. 1315 01:06:18,607 --> 01:06:19,608 You know that's dangerous. 1316 01:06:19,675 --> 01:06:21,376 Well, it was your mother who called. 1317 01:06:21,443 --> 01:06:23,946 -ACHMED JR: Really? -I don't know. 1318 01:06:24,012 --> 01:06:26,248 -What was her name? -42. 1319 01:06:26,315 --> 01:06:28,917 And you guys haven't had any contact since? 1320 01:06:28,984 --> 01:06:31,386 -Not much. He's a bad son. -I am not. 1321 01:06:31,453 --> 01:06:33,322 Tell him what you sent me for my birthday. 1322 01:06:33,388 --> 01:06:34,723 It was an honest mistake. 1323 01:06:34,790 --> 01:06:35,958 What'd you send him? 1324 01:06:36,024 --> 01:06:38,227 He sent me a bottle of skin lotion. 1325 01:06:38,293 --> 01:06:40,629 (laughter) 1326 01:06:40,696 --> 01:06:42,798 -He made it worse. -What'd you do? 1327 01:06:42,865 --> 01:06:44,333 I sent him back half a bottle. 1328 01:06:44,399 --> 01:06:46,401 -(Achmed laughs) -(audience laughs) 1329 01:06:49,271 --> 01:06:52,508 You know, maybe you should try and patch things up. 1330 01:06:52,574 --> 01:06:56,345 Looks like he needs more than a fucking patch. 1331 01:06:56,411 --> 01:06:57,946 But I'm here for a reason. 1332 01:06:58,013 --> 01:06:59,948 What, a skin graft? Sorry, I'm all out. 1333 01:07:00,015 --> 01:07:02,417 Fuck! (yelling) 1334 01:07:02,484 --> 01:07:07,122 Come fix my fucking leg! 1335 01:07:07,189 --> 01:07:10,392 Get duct tape, you asshole! 1336 01:07:10,459 --> 01:07:13,595 (chuckling): He actually brought duct tape. 1337 01:07:16,098 --> 01:07:18,100 (laughter and cheering) 1338 01:07:29,745 --> 01:07:31,880 He's kinky, too. 1339 01:07:31,947 --> 01:07:33,849 Shut up! 1340 01:07:38,020 --> 01:07:41,290 So, Achmed, do you know why AJ is here? 1341 01:07:41,356 --> 01:07:43,225 Well... Wait a minute. 1342 01:07:43,292 --> 01:07:46,595 This isn't some crap about owing child support, is it? 1343 01:07:46,662 --> 01:07:47,829 That bitch! 1344 01:07:47,896 --> 01:07:49,831 - Whichever one she was. - No, that's not... 1345 01:07:49,898 --> 01:07:51,767 This is bad, 1346 01:07:51,833 --> 01:07:54,002 'cause I've seen the crap that you're going through 1347 01:07:54,069 --> 01:07:57,372 and I don't know how you can afford even a T-shirt. 1348 01:07:57,439 --> 01:08:00,142 Thank you. 1349 01:08:00,208 --> 01:08:02,578 Did I say that just how you wrote it? 1350 01:08:02,644 --> 01:08:04,646 (laughter) 1351 01:08:07,816 --> 01:08:09,651 Yes. Thank you. 1352 01:08:09,718 --> 01:08:12,287 Okay. Good luck with the judge. 1353 01:08:13,589 --> 01:08:16,258 I hope he's fair. 1354 01:08:16,325 --> 01:08:18,560 Actually the judge is a woman. 1355 01:08:18,627 --> 01:08:20,896 You're fucked. 1356 01:08:20,963 --> 01:08:22,965 (laughter) 1357 01:08:24,366 --> 01:08:25,634 Okay, listen, you... 1358 01:08:25,701 --> 01:08:27,002 Achmed, you're getting hostile. 1359 01:08:27,069 --> 01:08:28,370 Of course I'm getting hostile. 1360 01:08:28,437 --> 01:08:30,272 I'm a terrorist, you idiot. 1361 01:08:30,339 --> 01:08:32,474 You piss me off, I keel you. 1362 01:08:32,541 --> 01:08:34,643 Would that really solve anything? 1363 01:08:34,710 --> 01:08:37,446 Pretty much, yeah, I think it does. 1364 01:08:37,512 --> 01:08:39,247 Okay---... 1365 01:08:39,314 --> 01:08:41,350 I have nothing in common with my own son. 1366 01:08:41,416 --> 01:08:42,618 -Well, just talk to him. -How? 1367 01:08:42,684 --> 01:08:44,152 I don't know, like you would anybody. 1368 01:08:44,219 --> 01:08:46,922 Okay, W.T.F. 1369 01:08:46,989 --> 01:08:48,557 O.M.G. 1370 01:08:48,624 --> 01:08:50,359 I mean O.M.A. 1371 01:08:56,898 --> 01:08:58,767 (laughter and applause) 1372 01:08:59,901 --> 01:09:02,237 And you have no idea why he's here? 1373 01:09:02,304 --> 01:09:04,940 To start his training as a terrorist. -No, Father, 1374 01:09:05,007 --> 01:09:08,076 that's just it-- I don't want to be a terrorist. 1375 01:09:08,143 --> 01:09:10,379 (gasps) But I want you to be just like me. 1376 01:09:10,445 --> 01:09:12,381 Well, I'm not, and I won't be. 1377 01:09:12,447 --> 01:09:14,483 Achmed, can you accept that? 1378 01:09:14,549 --> 01:09:16,551 (voice breaking): I guess I can try. 1379 01:09:16,618 --> 01:09:19,788 And, Ad, what Y? he doesn't accept W? 1380 01:09:19,855 --> 01:09:21,323 lkeelyou. 1381 01:09:21,390 --> 01:09:23,959 That's my boy! 1382 01:09:24,026 --> 01:09:26,161 (cheering and applause) 1383 01:09:35,103 --> 01:09:38,206 He's purple, he's wacky, he's been around for a while. 1384 01:09:38,273 --> 01:09:40,575 Please help me welcome my buddy Peanut! 1385 01:09:40,642 --> 01:09:42,644 (cheering) 1386 01:10:00,529 --> 01:10:01,697 How you doing, Peanut? 1387 01:10:01,763 --> 01:10:03,799 - Doing pretty good. How about you? -I'm fine. 1388 01:10:03,865 --> 01:10:05,567 That's good, that's good, that's goo-ood. 1389 01:10:05,634 --> 01:10:07,335 (cheering) 1390 01:10:07,402 --> 01:10:09,237 -Wow. -You like it here? 1391 01:10:09,304 --> 01:10:10,639 I love it here. 1392 01:10:10,706 --> 01:10:11,973 It's beautiful. It's sold out. 1393 01:10:12,040 --> 01:10:13,241 The place is paid for. 1394 01:10:13,308 --> 01:10:16,445 We must be on an Indian reservation. 1395 01:10:16,511 --> 01:10:18,313 And these are all Indians. 1396 01:10:18,380 --> 01:10:20,882 Look, Peanut, first of all, 1397 01:10:20,949 --> 01:10:22,684 the more politically correct term these days 1398 01:10:22,751 --> 01:10:24,352 is Native American. 1399 01:10:24,419 --> 01:10:26,722 Oh, yeah. 1400 01:10:26,788 --> 01:10:29,257 I certainly wouldn't want to piss 'em off. 1401 01:10:29,324 --> 01:10:32,494 They could try and scalp me, but all they'd get 1402 01:10:32,561 --> 01:10:34,096 is a fishing lure. 1403 01:10:34,162 --> 01:10:36,164 (laughter) 1404 01:10:40,235 --> 01:10:43,438 I guess that is a little less confusing of a term, though. 1405 01:10:43,505 --> 01:10:44,806 -What? -Native American. 1406 01:10:44,873 --> 01:10:46,341 -Why? -'Cause when you say Indian, 1407 01:10:46,408 --> 01:10:48,176 you don't know which one the hell they're talking about. 1408 01:10:48,243 --> 01:10:49,778 -What? -ls it the ones that go... 1409 01:10:49,845 --> 01:10:50,779 (war chant): ♪ Hy-ya, hy-ya, hy-ya. ♪ 1410 01:10:50,846 --> 01:10:52,280 or the ones that go... 1411 01:10:52,347 --> 01:10:55,751 (Indian accent): Thank you for calling customer support. 1412 01:10:55,817 --> 01:10:58,787 (laughter and cheering) 1413 01:11:05,293 --> 01:11:07,062 But in this case, I'm talking about the ones that go... 1414 01:11:07,129 --> 01:11:08,497 (war chant): ♪ Hy-ya. hy-ya, hy-ya. ♪ 1415 01:11:08,563 --> 01:11:10,365 Weep vdme)". 3 “XI-Va. ‘ﬂy-ya. a‘ 1416 01:11:10,432 --> 01:11:12,768 (high-pitched): J“ HY-Ya, hy-ya... how. ♪ 1417 01:11:12,834 --> 01:11:14,770 Do you know what that chant means? 1418 01:11:14,836 --> 01:11:16,605 No, but I think it means, 1419 01:11:16,671 --> 01:11:20,408 (chanting): J“ I forgot the words, hy-ya, hy-ya. ♪ 1420 01:11:20,475 --> 01:11:22,110 You know, we have plenty of Native Americans 1421 01:11:22,177 --> 01:11:23,111 here this evening. 1422 01:11:23,178 --> 01:11:25,413 Oh, goody. Let's play craps. 1423 01:11:25,480 --> 01:11:27,482 (laughter) 1424 01:11:27,549 --> 01:11:30,452 What? They've got the reservations and the casinos 1425 01:11:30,519 --> 01:11:33,088 and making millions of dollars every day hand over fist. 1426 01:11:33,155 --> 01:11:34,990 They're laughing all the way to the bank. 1427 01:11:35,056 --> 01:11:36,825 Oh, that's what it is-- they're laughing. 1428 01:11:36,892 --> 01:11:39,427 (chanting): J‘ Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. J‘ 1429 01:11:39,494 --> 01:11:40,829 (laughter) 1430 01:11:42,430 --> 01:11:43,665 What is wrong with you tonight? 1431 01:11:43,732 --> 01:11:44,833 You're being a little extra annoying. 1432 01:11:44,900 --> 01:11:46,434 I'm sorry. 1433 01:11:46,501 --> 01:11:47,769 I got cranky today because 1434 01:11:47,836 --> 01:11:49,004 we didn't have anything to eat on the bus. 1435 01:11:49,070 --> 01:11:50,972 Right. We haven't been to the store in a while. 1436 01:11:51,039 --> 01:11:52,841 -So you know what I had to do? -What? 1437 01:11:52,908 --> 01:11:55,210 I had to phone order take-out Chinese food. -Oh. 1438 01:11:55,277 --> 01:11:56,912 Have you done this lately? 1439 01:11:56,978 --> 01:11:58,680 Phone order take-out Chinese? No. 1440 01:11:58,747 --> 01:12:02,083 Excuse me, but do these guys get together in the morning 1441 01:12:02,150 --> 01:12:04,386 and decide who speaks English the worst? 1442 01:12:04,452 --> 01:12:06,254 (laughter) 1443 01:12:06,321 --> 01:12:08,256 (Chinese accent): Okay, Chin, today your day 1444 01:12:08,323 --> 01:12:10,025 to take the phone order. 1445 01:12:10,091 --> 01:12:12,861 Oh, Chin making a fool of you... (gibberish) 1446 01:12:12,928 --> 01:12:14,663 (laughter) 1447 01:12:17,833 --> 01:12:20,502 So here's me 1448 01:12:20,569 --> 01:12:23,538 placing a phone order for take-out Chinese food. 1449 01:12:23,605 --> 01:12:24,906 What was the name of the restaurant? 1450 01:12:24,973 --> 01:12:27,309 Oh, Taste of China. 1451 01:12:28,577 --> 01:12:30,779 Hello, I'd like to place a phone order today. 1452 01:12:30,846 --> 01:12:35,116 Oh, this is Chin... (gibberish) 1453 01:12:39,621 --> 01:12:43,291 Okay, I need two orders of kung pao chicken. 1454 01:12:43,358 --> 01:12:45,627 (heavy Chinese accent): Oh, you like kung pao chicken? 1455 01:12:45,694 --> 01:12:48,363 I like kung pao chicken, too... (gibberish) 1456 01:12:48,430 --> 01:12:52,400 (laughter) 1457 01:12:52,467 --> 01:12:55,737 Okay, and I need something with salmon. 1458 01:12:55,804 --> 01:12:57,806 Ooh, you like-a the fish? You like-a the fish? 1459 01:12:57,873 --> 01:12:59,641 It tastes... (gibberish) 1460 01:13:03,078 --> 01:13:05,413 Yeah, and I need chopsticks. 1461 01:13:05,480 --> 01:13:06,781 Oh, no fork? 1462 01:13:06,848 --> 01:13:08,583 (laughter) 1463 01:13:15,056 --> 01:13:16,858 I said I need chopsticks. 1464 01:13:16,925 --> 01:13:18,894 No fork? 1465 01:13:18,960 --> 01:13:21,296 Chopsticks. No fork? 1466 01:13:21,363 --> 01:13:22,530 No fork, no fork. 1467 01:13:22,597 --> 01:13:24,199 Taste a-vagina like fish. 1468 01:13:29,237 --> 01:13:31,239 (laughter and applause) 1469 01:13:37,312 --> 01:13:40,448 Could you repeat that? 1470 01:13:40,515 --> 01:13:43,952 No fork. Taste a-vagina like fish. 1471 01:13:48,223 --> 01:13:50,725 Did you get it? 1472 01:13:50,792 --> 01:13:52,193 No fork. Taste a-vagina... 1473 01:13:52,260 --> 01:13:53,728 They got it! 1474 01:14:06,041 --> 01:14:09,210 First of all, do you know how racist that is? 1475 01:14:12,580 --> 01:14:15,684 And that's a-why it's so fuckin‘ funny. 1476 01:14:16,418 --> 01:14:18,420 (cheering) 1477 01:14:25,894 --> 01:14:28,430 Now, Peanut, you've been doing this bit for a few weeks now 1478 01:14:28,496 --> 01:14:30,598 -and I've been a little bit worried about it. -Why? 1479 01:14:30,665 --> 01:14:31,800 Because I didn't know 1480 01:14:31,866 --> 01:14:33,501 if it was pushing the racism thing too far, 1481 01:14:33,568 --> 01:14:35,203 and my fears actually came true this afternoon. 1482 01:14:35,270 --> 01:14:36,638 -What? -Right before the show started, 1483 01:14:36,705 --> 01:14:38,807 we actually got an e-mail, and this was from a guy 1484 01:14:38,873 --> 01:14:41,109 that was at one of our shows a couple of weeks ago. 1485 01:14:41,176 --> 01:14:43,445 The guy's obviously of Asian descent. 1486 01:14:43,511 --> 01:14:45,513 He saw the whole show, including the Taste of China bit. 1487 01:14:45,580 --> 01:14:47,582 He was offended, and the guy took the time 1488 01:14:47,649 --> 01:14:49,150 to write an e-mail to complain. 1489 01:14:49,217 --> 01:14:51,820 And I know when one person takes the time to write an e-mail 1490 01:14:51,886 --> 01:14:53,722 like this, there's usually a bunch of other people 1491 01:14:53,788 --> 01:14:55,523 who feel the same and don't take the time. 1492 01:14:55,590 --> 01:14:56,658 I feel bad about this. 1493 01:14:56,725 --> 01:14:58,526 I want to make it right to this guy, 1494 01:14:58,593 --> 01:15:00,328 I'd like for you to read his e-mail 1495 01:15:00,395 --> 01:15:01,997 and we're going to send him the DVD. 1496 01:15:02,063 --> 01:15:03,498 Well, thanks for bringing our show 1497 01:15:03,565 --> 01:15:06,701 to a grinding, freakin' halt. 1498 01:15:06,768 --> 01:15:08,770 (laughter) 1499 01:15:09,604 --> 01:15:11,439 It doesn't matter. 1500 01:15:11,506 --> 01:15:13,908 I feel strongly about this, and it's the right thing to do. 1501 01:15:13,975 --> 01:15:15,276 It's to me. 1502 01:15:15,343 --> 01:15:18,113 That was the only weird part about it. 1503 01:15:18,179 --> 01:15:20,181 (laughter) 1504 01:15:26,388 --> 01:15:28,623 The only thing I could figure out 1505 01:15:28,690 --> 01:15:30,759 is the guy was just trying to be real specific. 1506 01:15:30,825 --> 01:15:33,661 I think he didn't know your name and didn't care. 1507 01:15:33,728 --> 01:15:35,196 Doesn't matter. 1508 01:15:35,263 --> 01:15:37,198 -Go ahead and read it. -Okay. 1509 01:15:37,265 --> 01:15:38,466 "Dear Peanut: 1510 01:15:38,533 --> 01:15:39,901 (heavy Chinese accent): "Herro..." 1511 01:15:39,968 --> 01:15:42,871 (laughter) 1512 01:15:42,937 --> 01:15:44,439 I'm sorr... 1513 01:15:44,506 --> 01:15:46,674 (cheering) 1514 01:15:50,111 --> 01:15:54,449 Oh, now how could I pass that up? 1515 01:15:54,516 --> 01:15:56,951 You threw a slow ball down the middle of the plate. 1516 01:15:57,018 --> 01:15:59,587 I had to fucking swing. 1517 01:16:01,156 --> 01:16:02,857 All right, you got your laugh. Ha-ha. 1518 01:16:02,924 --> 01:16:03,792 Just do it right. 1519 01:16:03,858 --> 01:16:06,661 Okay, do it right, do it right. 1520 01:16:06,728 --> 01:16:08,563 All right, go ahead. 1521 01:16:08,630 --> 01:16:10,298 (heavy Chinese accent): "Dear Mr. Peanut... 1522 01:16:10,365 --> 01:16:13,168 (laughter) 1523 01:16:13,234 --> 01:16:16,071 Herro..." 1524 01:16:18,873 --> 01:16:21,042 I'm trying to do the right thing here. 1525 01:16:21,109 --> 01:16:23,178 I'm not. 1526 01:16:23,244 --> 01:16:26,881 You know, we have folks of Asian descent here this evening. 1527 01:16:26,948 --> 01:16:28,249 (heavy Chinese accent): Oh, so sorry. 1528 01:16:28,316 --> 01:16:29,684 Will you stop it?! 1529 01:16:29,751 --> 01:16:31,953 (laughter) 1530 01:16:34,689 --> 01:16:35,990 It's not right. 1531 01:16:36,057 --> 01:16:37,258 - What? - It's not right. 1532 01:16:37,325 --> 01:16:39,160 - What? - It's not right. 1533 01:16:39,227 --> 01:16:41,896 It's "snot" right? 1534 01:16:41,963 --> 01:16:45,633 Everybody heard you. You said "It's snot." 1535 01:16:45,700 --> 01:16:50,505 You might as well have gone, "It's (snorting) right." 1536 01:16:55,143 --> 01:16:58,379 Daddy, don't hit Mommy. Daddy, don't hit Mommy. 1537 01:17:00,248 --> 01:17:02,951 -What you're doing is not right. -Okay! 1538 01:17:03,017 --> 01:17:06,988 -|t's wrong. -Okay! 1539 01:17:07,055 --> 01:17:09,357 No, Peanut, no! 1540 01:17:11,759 --> 01:17:13,461 No! 1541 01:17:14,929 --> 01:17:16,931 Not right. 1542 01:17:18,199 --> 01:17:20,735 It's bad. 1543 01:17:20,802 --> 01:17:23,404 I'm a bad Peanut. 1544 01:17:23,471 --> 01:17:25,974 (laughter) 1545 01:17:28,243 --> 01:17:29,210 It's not right. 1546 01:17:29,277 --> 01:17:31,713 Okay. 1547 01:17:31,779 --> 01:17:33,081 It is not... 1548 01:17:33,148 --> 01:17:35,083 Stop m. 1549 01:17:35,150 --> 01:17:36,251 wright! 1550 01:17:36,317 --> 01:17:37,552 I got it! 1551 01:17:37,619 --> 01:17:40,288 -(belches) -Stop it! 1552 01:17:40,355 --> 01:17:43,858 Whoo! Egg foo yung! Whoo! 1553 01:17:48,429 --> 01:17:49,764 Just read it. 1554 01:17:49,831 --> 01:17:54,269 (Chinese accent): "We see your show rast night 1555 01:17:54,335 --> 01:17:56,905 and we raugh and raugh." 1556 01:18:04,546 --> 01:18:06,948 (normal voice): What? They're raughing. 1557 01:18:07,015 --> 01:18:09,651 Just do it straight. 1558 01:18:09,717 --> 01:18:11,252 Oh, you're such a bitch. 1559 01:18:11,319 --> 01:18:13,321 (laughter) 1560 01:18:21,462 --> 01:18:24,465 Seriously. 1561 01:18:24,532 --> 01:18:26,100 Oh, my G0d...! 1562 01:18:38,680 --> 01:18:40,415 -(normal voice): Dude... - What? 1563 01:18:40,481 --> 01:18:42,250 where's your other hand? 1564 01:18:59,000 --> 01:19:02,370 (prolonged applause, cheering and whistling) 1565 01:19:09,677 --> 01:19:13,147 I hope you're wearing a glove. 1566 01:19:17,185 --> 01:19:19,921 Do you do this to the other guys? 1567 01:19:23,057 --> 01:19:25,660 Everybody except José. 1568 01:19:25,727 --> 01:19:27,929 Yeah, you shove the stick up his ass. 1569 01:19:30,498 --> 01:19:33,401 I think I'd rather have that. 1570 01:19:33,468 --> 01:19:34,969 You have a stick. 1571 01:19:35,036 --> 01:19:35,970 What? 1572 01:19:36,037 --> 01:19:38,473 (shrieks) 1573 01:19:38,539 --> 01:19:39,874 What the hell was that?! 1574 01:19:39,941 --> 01:19:42,510 That's how I work your arm. 1575 01:19:42,577 --> 01:19:44,579 (muffled scream) 1576 01:19:50,785 --> 01:19:53,087 That explains why that one sucks. 1577 01:19:58,826 --> 01:20:00,261 Just read this. 1578 01:20:00,328 --> 01:20:03,931 (Chinese accent): "Missa Peanut..." 1579 01:20:03,998 --> 01:20:05,500 Come on. Let me stay in character. 1580 01:20:05,566 --> 01:20:06,701 All right. 1581 01:20:06,768 --> 01:20:09,337 "Why you make fun of just a-Chinese people? 1582 01:20:09,404 --> 01:20:10,872 Why not make fun of...?" 1583 01:20:10,938 --> 01:20:12,340 (normal voice): What does that say? 1584 01:20:12,407 --> 01:20:15,410 "People who are brack?" 1585 01:20:15,476 --> 01:20:17,078 (belly laugh) 1586 01:20:29,424 --> 01:20:31,459 You are so stupid! 1587 01:20:34,062 --> 01:20:36,698 (nasal laugh) 1588 01:20:36,764 --> 01:20:38,566 I think he's talking about African Americans. 1589 01:20:38,633 --> 01:20:40,868 Yes, he is! 1590 01:20:40,935 --> 01:20:43,938 Why does everyone here know that but you?! 1591 01:20:45,707 --> 01:20:46,941 Just read it. 1592 01:20:47,008 --> 01:20:48,443 (nasal snickering) 1593 01:20:49,344 --> 01:20:52,347 (panting) 1594 01:20:52,413 --> 01:20:55,650 "De're much funnier saying things like, 'Yo, yo, dawgie' 1595 01:20:55,717 --> 01:20:58,186 "and 'Where my money, bitch?' 1596 01:20:58,252 --> 01:21:01,889 "Sincery, your biggest fan, Bob. 1597 01:21:06,327 --> 01:21:09,931 P.S. Your lucky numbers are 18, 34, 46." 1598 01:21:15,670 --> 01:21:17,772 All right, Peanut, time to introduce the next guy. 1599 01:21:17,839 --> 01:21:20,108 Oh, dude, does he have to come out here? 1600 01:21:20,174 --> 01:21:21,109 Why not? 1601 01:21:21,175 --> 01:21:23,978 He's a talking jalapeﬁo! 1602 01:21:24,045 --> 01:21:26,414 (audience cheering) 1603 01:21:27,749 --> 01:21:29,751 Go ahead. 1604 01:21:33,654 --> 01:21:37,191 On a stick-k! 1605 01:21:37,258 --> 01:21:38,192 $0? 1606 01:21:38,259 --> 01:21:39,494 How random is that? 1607 01:21:39,560 --> 01:21:41,462 Well, Jose, has been in our act for years. 1608 01:21:41,529 --> 01:21:43,598 I know. And when folks see us, 1609 01:21:43,664 --> 01:21:44,599 do you know when 1610 01:21:44,665 --> 01:21:46,801 they say the best time to watch José is? 1611 01:21:46,868 --> 01:21:49,570 -When? -When they're drunk off their asses. 1612 01:21:49,637 --> 01:21:53,040 In fact, isn't that how you came up with him in the first place? 1613 01:21:53,107 --> 01:21:54,142 I don't know. 1614 01:21:54,208 --> 01:21:55,576 But I do know that's when 1615 01:21:55,643 --> 01:21:57,645 I came up with you. 1616 01:21:59,147 --> 01:22:00,648 You jerk! 1617 01:22:00,715 --> 01:22:02,049 Just introduce him. 1618 01:22:02,116 --> 01:22:06,554 Ladies and gentlemen, here is Jose Jalapeﬁo on a Stick! 1619 01:22:06,621 --> 01:22:08,623 (audience cheering) 1620 01:22:25,373 --> 01:22:26,441 Good evening, José. 1621 01:22:26,507 --> 01:22:27,875 Hola, Seﬁor Jeff. 1622 01:22:27,942 --> 01:22:30,912 How are hue...? Whoops. 1623 01:22:30,978 --> 01:22:34,749 What the hell was that? 1624 01:22:34,816 --> 01:22:37,084 Were you trying to say, "How are you?" 1625 01:22:37,151 --> 01:22:39,487 and it came out, "Haa-a-ah?" 1626 01:22:43,357 --> 01:22:47,562 Why is that we speak perfectly and you fuck up? 1627 01:22:47,628 --> 01:22:49,630 (laughter and cheering) 1628 01:22:53,568 --> 01:22:54,836 I don't know. 1629 01:22:54,902 --> 01:22:57,472 Would you like me to help you? 1630 01:22:57,538 --> 01:22:58,773 - I'm fine. - Come on. Follow me 1631 01:22:58,840 --> 01:22:59,941 -one word at a time. - No. 1632 01:23:00,007 --> 01:23:01,042 Come on. Just do it. 1633 01:23:01,108 --> 01:23:02,910 Do it! 1634 01:23:02,977 --> 01:23:03,744 _()kay. _()kay. 1635 01:23:03,811 --> 01:23:04,679 -How... -How... 1636 01:23:04,745 --> 01:23:05,680 -are... -are... 1637 01:23:05,746 --> 01:23:06,714 ‘YOU-you? ‘YOU-you? 1638 01:23:06,781 --> 01:23:07,548 -Good-good. -Good-good. 1639 01:23:07,615 --> 01:23:08,749 - All right. - All right. 1640 01:23:08,816 --> 01:23:11,085 (audience cheering) 1641 01:23:16,491 --> 01:23:17,658 How are you, José? 1642 01:23:17,725 --> 01:23:21,162 I don't know. It took too long. 1643 01:23:21,229 --> 01:23:23,731 Actually, I'm excited, seﬁor. 1644 01:23:23,798 --> 01:23:25,299 Why are you excited, José? 1645 01:23:25,366 --> 01:23:27,535 Probably 'cause you're holding his stick. 1646 01:23:33,774 --> 01:23:35,409 Do you have to do jokes like that? 1647 01:23:35,476 --> 01:23:38,079 It's just weird to me that in front of everyone, 1648 01:23:38,145 --> 01:23:39,647 you're holding José's stick-k. 1649 01:23:40,848 --> 01:23:41,849 AW Suggestions? 1650 01:23:41,916 --> 01:23:43,150 You should at least 1651 01:23:43,217 --> 01:23:45,119 take him out to dinner first. 1652 01:23:46,354 --> 01:23:47,522 It's just a stick. 1653 01:23:47,588 --> 01:23:49,357 Maybe it's actually a handle. 1654 01:23:49,423 --> 01:23:50,591 A handle? 1655 01:23:50,658 --> 01:23:52,593 Yeah, you could use José as a weapon. 1656 01:23:52,660 --> 01:23:54,362 -To hit with? -Yes! 1657 01:23:54,428 --> 01:23:57,565 I want to go back in the box. 1658 01:23:57,632 --> 01:24:00,835 No, this is awesome! "What happened to Frank?" 1659 01:24:00,902 --> 01:24:02,470 "He got whacked by a jalapeﬁo." 1660 01:24:02,537 --> 01:24:05,806 -On a stick. -Yes! 1661 01:24:05,873 --> 01:24:06,807 Think about it. 1662 01:24:06,874 --> 01:24:11,012 You'd be wielding a Mexican whacker. 1663 01:24:11,078 --> 01:24:14,148 -On a stick. -Yes! 1664 01:24:14,215 --> 01:24:16,684 Look, you know how Batman had his sidekick Robin 1665 01:24:16,751 --> 01:24:18,586 and one of their weapons was a batarang? 1666 01:24:18,653 --> 01:24:20,922 Yes, of course. 1667 01:24:22,557 --> 01:24:24,825 Oh, dude. 1668 01:24:24,892 --> 01:24:25,927 What? 1669 01:24:25,993 --> 01:24:28,429 You just showed your geek. 1670 01:24:28,496 --> 01:24:29,430 (sniff$) 1671 01:24:29,497 --> 01:24:32,500 And it smells like loser. 1672 01:24:33,868 --> 01:24:36,437 You're not a loser, seﬁor. 1673 01:24:36,504 --> 01:24:37,672 Thank you, José. 1674 01:24:37,738 --> 01:24:40,041 Suck-up. 1675 01:24:40,107 --> 01:24:42,276 Muppet reject. 1676 01:24:42,343 --> 01:24:43,878 (laughter) 1677 01:24:50,818 --> 01:24:52,753 Hey, he can drop you, 1678 01:24:52,820 --> 01:24:54,755 and then I'll throw down a couple avocados. 1679 01:24:54,822 --> 01:24:57,792 and we got guacamole! 1680 01:24:57,858 --> 01:25:00,394 I could still burn your ass. 1681 01:25:02,663 --> 01:25:03,598 Good point. 1682 01:25:03,664 --> 01:25:04,799 All right. (chuckles) 1683 01:25:04,865 --> 01:25:06,133 -Look... -Wait! 1684 01:25:06,200 --> 01:25:07,602 The Batman thing just made me think of something. 1685 01:25:07,668 --> 01:25:10,104 -What? -If this comedy business doesn't work out for you, 1686 01:25:10,171 --> 01:25:12,640 -Yeah? -you can be a crime fighter. 1687 01:25:12,707 --> 01:25:13,941 A crime fighter? 1688 01:25:14,008 --> 01:25:18,245 Yes. You could be Dunham Man... 1689 01:25:18,312 --> 01:25:21,949 with José, your trusty sidestick. (chortles) 1690 01:25:22,016 --> 01:25:26,087 I see. So you're saying I would be a superhero. 1691 01:25:26,153 --> 01:25:28,756 Mm, ...ish. 1692 01:25:28,823 --> 01:25:31,826 "|sh"? It this like Jewish? 1693 01:25:31,892 --> 01:25:34,695 No, Jose, you're not Jewish 'cause then you wouldn't be 1694 01:25:34,762 --> 01:25:37,131 José Jalapeﬁo. You'd be Hymie Jalapeﬁo. 1695 01:25:38,699 --> 01:25:41,235 On a bagel. (laughs) 1696 01:25:41,302 --> 01:25:44,572 Where would you hold him, then? 1697 01:25:44,639 --> 01:25:45,773 (chortles) 1698 01:25:45,840 --> 01:25:47,975 In the hole. 1699 01:25:53,014 --> 01:25:56,217 I am not touching that. 1700 01:25:56,283 --> 01:25:58,152 No, you probably never have. 1701 01:25:58,219 --> 01:26:00,421 (audience gasps) 1702 01:26:05,026 --> 01:26:05,993 Okay. 1703 01:26:06,060 --> 01:26:07,695 This sucks! 1704 01:26:07,762 --> 01:26:10,598 -So we're a crime-fighting team, seﬁor? -Yes! 1705 01:26:10,665 --> 01:26:12,667 What kind of crime do we fight? 1706 01:26:12,733 --> 01:26:14,902 Illegal aliens. 1707 01:26:14,969 --> 01:26:18,539 I think there's a conflict of interest. 1708 01:26:18,606 --> 01:26:22,543 Look, so you find the illegals, whack 'em on the head with Jose, 1709 01:26:22,610 --> 01:26:24,445 and every time José hits someone, he yells... 1710 01:26:24,512 --> 01:26:26,847 -Olé. -Yes! 1711 01:26:26,914 --> 01:26:28,916 Pretty cool, huh? 1712 01:26:28,983 --> 01:26:29,950 I guess so. 1713 01:26:30,017 --> 01:26:33,721 But, urn, do I get a costume? 1714 01:26:36,590 --> 01:26:37,558 What? 1715 01:26:37,625 --> 01:26:41,062 Anything from those earlier photos. 1716 01:26:50,337 --> 01:26:54,308 I'd go with the red shorts, seﬁor. 1717 01:26:54,375 --> 01:26:57,545 Yeah, then you'd be Ugly-Ass Crackerman. 1718 01:26:57,611 --> 01:26:59,814 (laughs) 1719 01:26:59,880 --> 01:27:01,215 Okay, look, for this crime-fighting thing, 1720 01:27:01,282 --> 01:27:02,616 how's José gonna dress? 1721 01:27:02,683 --> 01:27:03,984 Well, he needs a disguise. 1722 01:27:04,051 --> 01:27:07,288 ls difficult to hide a big stick. 1723 01:27:10,524 --> 01:27:12,793 I'm not saying anything. 1724 01:27:12,860 --> 01:27:14,562 Of course not. You're still holding it. 1725 01:27:16,163 --> 01:27:18,799 José, I don't know how you put up with this. 1726 01:27:18,866 --> 01:27:20,701 - I have nowhere else to go, sefior. -What? 1727 01:27:20,768 --> 01:27:21,736 He was evicted. 1728 01:27:21,802 --> 01:27:22,737 -What? -Evicted. 1729 01:27:22,803 --> 01:27:24,038 -Really? -Yep. -S|'. 1730 01:27:24,105 --> 01:27:25,506 -You were evicted? -S|'. 1731 01:27:25,573 --> 01:27:27,908 Why didn't you come to my house? 1732 01:27:27,975 --> 01:27:30,044 (snickering) 1733 01:27:32,012 --> 01:27:34,615 JOSE: Ask Peanut. 1734 01:27:34,682 --> 01:27:37,451 Why didn't he come to my house? 1735 01:27:37,518 --> 01:27:40,521 We told him you loved eating Mexican food! 1736 01:27:43,991 --> 01:27:46,660 I was afraid for my life. 1737 01:27:46,727 --> 01:27:49,130 So where'd you take him? 1738 01:27:49,196 --> 01:27:51,165 Taco Bell! 1739 01:27:51,232 --> 01:27:53,567 (laughter) 1740 01:27:55,603 --> 01:27:56,670 That was really mean. 1741 01:27:56,737 --> 01:27:58,706 I know! 1742 01:27:58,773 --> 01:28:02,076 Hey, look. What about moving all of José's stuff'? 1743 01:28:02,143 --> 01:28:05,146 Achmed tried to rent a truck. 1744 01:28:09,984 --> 01:28:11,318 No bueno. 1745 01:28:11,385 --> 01:28:13,721 (chuckles) So did Walter help? 1746 01:28:13,788 --> 01:28:15,556 He couldn't because of his war injury. 1747 01:28:15,623 --> 01:28:17,091 Walter has a war injury? 1748 01:28:17,158 --> 01:28:20,828 Yeah, he strained his thumb playing Call of Duty: Black Ops. 1749 01:28:22,496 --> 01:28:24,098 So you and Achmed did everything. 1750 01:28:24,165 --> 01:28:26,100 Yep. José didn't lift a finger. 1751 01:28:26,167 --> 01:28:27,401 (laughing) 1752 01:28:27,468 --> 01:28:32,106 (laughing): 'Cause he doesn't have a finger! 1753 01:28:32,173 --> 01:28:33,774 Hey, ever met Jose's sister? 1754 01:28:33,841 --> 01:28:35,743 -Don't do it. -She's really hot. 1755 01:28:35,810 --> 01:28:38,946 (shrieking with laughter) 1756 01:28:39,013 --> 01:28:40,781 I'm just kidding, José. 1757 01:28:40,848 --> 01:28:46,120 I know. You're more into fruit. 1758 01:28:46,187 --> 01:28:47,454 - Hey! - Hang on, you guys. 1759 01:28:47,521 --> 01:28:48,956 -No, you hang on. -What? 1760 01:28:49,023 --> 01:28:50,457 Why are you laughing at him? 1761 01:28:50,524 --> 01:28:52,793 'Cause he's funny. 1762 01:28:52,860 --> 01:28:55,129 Oh, he is, is he? I know what you're doing. 1763 01:28:55,196 --> 01:28:56,530 I'm not doing anything. 1764 01:28:56,597 --> 01:28:59,667 You're giving José the better insults. 1765 01:29:02,803 --> 01:29:04,805 I'm just listening. 1766 01:29:09,143 --> 01:29:13,747 Don't give me that crap. 1767 01:29:13,814 --> 01:29:17,852 We all know this is all you. 1768 01:29:17,918 --> 01:29:22,189 If you get any closer, he's going to whack you with me. 1769 01:29:24,792 --> 01:29:25,726 Whack. 1770 01:29:25,793 --> 01:29:28,629 Olé! 1771 01:29:28,696 --> 01:29:33,033 And that's José Jalapeﬁo on a Stick! 1772 01:29:33,100 --> 01:29:35,102 (applause and cheering) 1773 01:29:38,806 --> 01:29:40,774 Hey. 1774 01:29:40,841 --> 01:29:42,109 Wait a minute! 1775 01:29:42,176 --> 01:29:44,111 I... I forgot to tell José something. 1776 01:29:44,178 --> 01:29:45,613 Open the box back up. 1777 01:29:45,679 --> 01:29:46,947 Immigration! 1778 01:29:47,014 --> 01:29:48,782 Stop m. 1779 01:29:48,849 --> 01:29:50,818 Well, he pissed me off. 1780 01:29:50,885 --> 01:29:52,686 Well, Peanut, it's about time to end the evening. 1781 01:29:52,753 --> 01:29:54,121 No way! What? 1782 01:29:54,188 --> 01:29:56,290 -I got one more thing to do. -No, the show's about over. 1783 01:29:56,357 --> 01:29:57,958 -No it's not! I got one more thing. -What? 1784 01:29:58,025 --> 01:29:59,960 Okay, look. Just trust me on this. 1785 01:30:00,027 --> 01:30:01,295 I have a new hobby. 1786 01:30:01,362 --> 01:30:03,731 -A new hobby? -Yes. 1787 01:30:03,797 --> 01:30:04,732 What is it? 1788 01:30:04,798 --> 01:30:07,801 I am now a ventriloquist, too. 1789 01:30:09,670 --> 01:30:10,738 No, you're not. 1790 01:30:10,804 --> 01:30:12,306 Yes, I am. 1791 01:30:16,477 --> 01:30:18,178 That was... that was pretty good. 1792 01:30:18,245 --> 01:30:19,480 I know. Compared to me, 1793 01:30:19,546 --> 01:30:21,315 you suck. 1794 01:30:21,982 --> 01:30:22,917 Really? 1795 01:30:22,983 --> 01:30:24,385 Let me show you how it's done. 1796 01:30:24,451 --> 01:30:26,253 -Well, you need a dummy. -He's in the box. 1797 01:30:26,320 --> 01:30:29,924 -You have a dummy? -Over here, seﬁor. 1798 01:30:29,990 --> 01:30:31,425 -He's... in the box? -Yeah. 1799 01:30:31,492 --> 01:30:32,593 Right next to José. 1800 01:30:32,660 --> 01:30:34,094 -Can I get him out? -Yep. 1801 01:30:34,161 --> 01:30:37,431 JOSE: Don't touch my stick. 1802 01:30:37,498 --> 01:30:39,934 Careful! 1803 01:30:40,000 --> 01:30:41,435 What? 1804 01:30:41,502 --> 01:30:45,773 (whispering): He's really ugly. 1805 01:30:45,839 --> 01:30:48,776 JOSE: He is ugly, seﬁor. 1806 01:30:48,842 --> 01:30:52,446 He is nasty-looking. 1807 01:30:52,513 --> 01:30:55,516 JOSE: He's so scary, I wet my stick. 1808 01:30:57,985 --> 01:31:00,387 -But he's right here. -He's the only other guy in there, 1809 01:31:00,454 --> 01:31:01,722 check it out, look, look, look! 1810 01:31:01,789 --> 01:31:04,858 All right, let's see this, here we go... 1811 01:31:06,961 --> 01:31:08,963 (cheering and applause) 1812 01:31:17,705 --> 01:31:19,573 I thought you said he was ugly. 1813 01:31:19,640 --> 01:31:21,742 He is! 1814 01:31:21,809 --> 01:31:23,410 He looks a little like me. 1815 01:31:23,477 --> 01:31:26,580 No... he looks a lot like you! 1816 01:31:26,647 --> 01:31:27,581 This isn't funny. 1817 01:31:27,648 --> 01:31:30,918 Then why is everyone else laughing? 1818 01:31:30,985 --> 01:31:33,087 JOSE: I laugh, too, seﬁor. 1819 01:31:33,153 --> 01:31:35,889 I laugh so hard I crack my stick. 1820 01:31:35,956 --> 01:31:37,458 -Do you know how to work this? -Of course I do. 1821 01:31:37,524 --> 01:31:38,892 You know there's a little lever down there... 1822 01:31:38,959 --> 01:31:40,227 - I know. - You grab onto the lever... 1823 01:31:40,294 --> 01:31:41,428 -I know. -and you pull on it... 1824 01:31:41,495 --> 01:31:42,963 -I know! -Now, do you have a hold of the lever? 1825 01:31:43,030 --> 01:31:45,499 He's got a hold of something. 1826 01:31:47,167 --> 01:31:49,436 See, I can do this, too! 1827 01:31:49,503 --> 01:31:52,106 -Fantastic. -How are you, little ugly Jeff? 1828 01:31:52,172 --> 01:31:53,607 -Not good. -Wait, wait, wait a minute. 1829 01:31:53,674 --> 01:31:55,042 You're going to call him Ugly Jeff? 1830 01:31:55,109 --> 01:31:56,377 Oh, no, no, no, no. 1831 01:31:56,443 --> 01:31:59,113 Little Ugly Jeff. 1832 01:31:59,179 --> 01:32:00,447 ls there any other name? 1833 01:32:00,514 --> 01:32:03,684 Uh, Little Ugly Ass Jeff? 1834 01:32:03,751 --> 01:32:06,387 I like that. 1835 01:32:06,453 --> 01:32:07,388 JOSE: Me, too, seﬁor. 1836 01:32:07,454 --> 01:32:08,589 -Thank you. -You're welcome. 1837 01:32:08,655 --> 01:32:10,224 Wait a minute. 1838 01:32:10,290 --> 01:32:12,393 I would prefer you didn't use the word "ass." 1839 01:32:12,459 --> 01:32:14,895 Oh, I didn't really. It's all one word. 1840 01:32:14,962 --> 01:32:17,064 Little Ugly Ass Jeff. 1841 01:32:17,131 --> 01:32:20,134 Ass Jeff, Ass Jeff, I am Ass Jeff. 1842 01:32:21,568 --> 01:32:22,736 See? It's good. 1843 01:32:22,803 --> 01:32:24,405 JOSE: Bravo! -Gracias. -De nada. 1844 01:32:24,471 --> 01:32:27,441 This is ridiculous. 1845 01:32:27,508 --> 01:32:29,676 (cheering) 1846 01:32:36,884 --> 01:32:39,953 So, how are you, Little Ugly Ass Jeff? 1847 01:32:40,020 --> 01:32:41,622 I'm sad, Handsome Peanut. 1848 01:32:41,688 --> 01:32:43,757 Wait, wait a minute. 1849 01:32:43,824 --> 01:32:45,092 Handsome Peanut? 1850 01:32:45,159 --> 01:32:50,097 Yes, Peanut is very handsome, unlike you, Ugly Ass Jeff. 1851 01:32:50,164 --> 01:32:51,498 -He is me. -Good point. 1852 01:32:51,565 --> 01:32:54,168 - I hate my ugly-ass self. - All right. 1853 01:32:54,234 --> 01:32:57,104 -He said he was sad. -I heard him. 1854 01:32:57,171 --> 01:32:58,605 Why are you sad, Ass Jeff? 1855 01:32:58,672 --> 01:32:59,940 Because I'm a loser. 1856 01:33:00,007 --> 01:33:01,708 Yeah, that is sad. 1857 01:33:01,775 --> 01:33:03,210 -And he's ugly. -And I'm ugly. 1858 01:33:03,277 --> 01:33:04,244 -Thank you. -ls okay. 1859 01:33:04,311 --> 01:33:06,513 Will you stop this? 1860 01:33:06,580 --> 01:33:08,582 That's a shame, Little Ugly Ass Jeff. 1861 01:33:08,649 --> 01:33:11,952 I have no idea how I made it this far in life. 1862 01:33:12,019 --> 01:33:14,388 - Me neither. - No one does. 1863 01:33:14,455 --> 01:33:17,558 -I suck. -All right. 1864 01:33:17,624 --> 01:33:19,393 Maybe you can make up for your loserness 1865 01:33:19,460 --> 01:33:21,061 by having a good personality. 1866 01:33:21,128 --> 01:33:22,229 - No. - Doubtful. -No way. 1867 01:33:22,296 --> 01:33:23,464 - I'm sorry. - Me, too. 1868 01:33:23,530 --> 01:33:25,532 Okay, look. 1869 01:33:34,808 --> 01:33:38,245 You guys really think this is funny. 1870 01:33:38,312 --> 01:33:39,580 -Oh yes. -S|'. -Definitely. 1871 01:33:39,646 --> 01:33:42,249 -The truth hurts. -Okay. 1872 01:33:42,316 --> 01:33:43,750 I'll tell you what, Peanut, you think that's funny? 1873 01:33:43,817 --> 01:33:45,252 I have something here that you're going to like. 1874 01:33:45,319 --> 01:33:46,753 -What? -Just trust me. 1875 01:33:46,820 --> 01:33:49,823 You're going to love this. 1876 01:33:52,025 --> 01:33:54,027 What the fuck is that? 1877 01:33:57,131 --> 01:34:00,100 Hi, look at me! I'm a little idiot! 1878 01:34:00,167 --> 01:34:01,535 (high-pitched giggles) 1879 01:34:01,602 --> 01:34:03,937 -That is not funny. -Yes, it is! 1880 01:34:04,004 --> 01:34:05,372 -No, it's not! -I think it is. 1881 01:34:05,439 --> 01:34:06,874 JOSE: Me, too. -LOL. -Shut up! 1882 01:34:06,940 --> 01:34:10,177 You guys have been awesome. Thank you. Good night. 1883 01:34:12,045 --> 01:34:14,014 (rock music plays) 1884 01:34:44,144 --> 01:34:46,113 II 1885 01:35:14,174 --> 01:35:16,176 II 1886 01:35:18,445 --> 01:35:19,546 You guys are awesome! 1887 01:35:19,613 --> 01:35:21,515 We'll see you next time! Good night! 1888 01:35:33,393 --> 01:35:36,129 (beeping) 1889 01:35:39,399 --> 01:35:41,401 II 1890 01:36:08,996 --> 01:36:10,998 II 1891 01:36:39,059 --> 01:36:41,061 II