0 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:20,000 1 00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:10,118 Wow, Walter. Look at this. And look at the lights on that house. 2 00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:13,550 Oh yeah, house. It's great. 3 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:17,958 And this falling snow makes it the perfect winter scene, eh? 4 00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:21,152 Yeah, my heart is all a-fricking-twitter. 5 00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:24,829 This is my favorite time of year. - I can't do this. 6 00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:27,872 What? - I can't get into the Christmas spirit. 7 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:32,630 Why not? - I just swallowed a lot of that fake snow. 8 00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:37,595 Fake snow? What do you mean? - Stop being a moron. This is all fake. 9 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:41,918 And it's hot as hell in here. Stop shaking this. I'm gonna puke. 10 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:47,398 Seriously, I'm gonna be sick. And what is stuff you're shaking on us? Asbestos? 11 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:49,954 How can I get you into the Christmas spirit? 12 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:52,674 I don't know. Are we getting paid for this? 13 00:00:54,440 --> 00:01:01,312 Merry Christmas. Ho ho ho. Merry Christmas to one and all. 14 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:12,592 Please put your hands together and give a warm Milwaukee welcome... 15 00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:17,475 to Mr Jeff Dunham. 16 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:43,710 Thank you so much. Merry Christmas. 17 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:48,277 And I think I know the answer to this one: How are you doing, Milwaukee? 18 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:57,197 I'm so excited to be here for the Christmas special. 19 00:01:57,320 --> 00:02:02,030 I love it here. I came here the first time 13 years ago and I thought: 20 00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:06,438 If I shoot a TV special, it's got to be right here in Milwaukee. 21 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,152 Thanks and Merry Christmas. 22 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:15,598 Christmas is very special time, in my house too. 23 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:20,510 I have 3 daughters and a wife. Christmas presents are a difficult thing. 24 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:24,758 One daughter has a birthday near Christmas and she turns 16 this year. 25 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:28,111 And we decided to give her a car. 26 00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:34,630 We bought her a used car. Anybody that buys a 16-year-old kid a new car... 27 00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:37,593 I think you're pretty much a moron. 28 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:42,316 You're not buying them a car, you're buying them a bumper car. 29 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:45,876 You ever try teaching a 16-year-old kid to drive a car? 30 00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,514 Here is the parent in the passenger seat: 31 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:52,914 And I'm still in the driveway. 32 00:02:54,640 --> 00:03:00,510 As a parent, there's things you know you're supposed to teach your children... 33 00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:05,953 and other things that nobody bothers telling them to do or how to do. 34 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:10,790 One of those things is how to put gasoline in a car. 35 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:18,230 I didn't have any sisters, but I know that boys by the age of three... 36 00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:23,354 just innately know how to put fricking gas in a car. 37 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:26,677 Girls, apparently, not so much. 38 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:30,873 My wife is smarter than me, when it comes to raising kids. 39 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:33,514 She knows things about girls, obviously. 40 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:39,954 My daughter had had her car for about a week, my wife she said very seriously: 41 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:43,993 OK, her car is almost on empty. I'm going to take her... 42 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:49,638 and she is going to put gasoline in her car for the first time. 43 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:53,669 Not wanting to look like an idiot... 44 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:57,076 I pretended I knew what she was talking about. 45 00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:59,953 And so I went: OK. 46 00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:11,309 A little while later, they came back from putting gas in the car. 47 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:17,436 My wife walks in, hands me a video camera and says: You gotta see this. 48 00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:22,351 I say: What? She goes: Trust me. 49 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:25,950 You're gonna have new material for your show. 50 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:31,358 So I hit play and there's my daughter standing next to her car... 51 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:35,359 she has the door open on the gas tank and she's doing this: 52 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:46,832 Mom, it won't open. 53 00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:54,639 I realized my wife can be a very cruel woman when she wants to be... 54 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:58,309 when this is what she did to help the child. 55 00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:00,271 Nothing. 56 00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:13,068 She just stood there videotaping. 57 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:21,795 Then you hear my wife say, honey, remember: Righty tighty, lefty loosy. 58 00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:27,995 And the 16-year-old girl goes: Whatever. 59 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:34,391 Camera starts shaking. 60 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:38,832 Then you hear my wife say: Honey, turn it counterclockwise. 61 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:45,516 My daughter looked at her watch... 62 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:52,797 and I'm the father standing there, watching the tape, going: No, no, no. 63 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:56,674 I realized she was looking at her watch 2 seconds too long... 64 00:05:56,800 --> 00:06:00,793 before she realized she was gazing at a digital watch. 65 00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:15,915 To answer your question: Yes, she is blonde. 66 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:21,909 But that's good: At least she's not just dumb. 67 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:30,357 So she finally figures it out, pulls the cap off... 68 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:34,996 and we have those six-inch plastic leashes on the gas cap. 69 00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:38,510 I look at those and I go: Who the hell are these for? 70 00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:42,792 At some point car manufacturers had a meeting and they went: OK... 71 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:46,037 too many idiots don't know what to do with the gas caps. 72 00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:48,958 We gotta put the fricking leash on them. 73 00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:52,197 Were there people at gas stations going: 74 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:11,676 Then to add insult to injury, they put that rack thing inside the door... 75 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:17,511 and these same people are supposed to hang the gas cap there. Very organized. 76 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:19,710 No, those people are going: 77 00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:30,077 OK, so now she turns around, she gets the nozzle out of the gas pump. 78 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:35,274 We all know that in the car there's a hole. 79 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:39,310 And you have the nozzle... 80 00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:43,558 with sleeve that goes over it and that has a little spring on it. 81 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:48,470 It goes over the hole to keep the fumes from coming when you're filling up. 82 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:50,909 You know, you would think... 83 00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:56,274 that somewhere along the line in the last six months... 84 00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:59,358 she would've thought: I'm gonna be driving soon. 85 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:03,075 Maybe I should watch mom and dad and take notes... 86 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:06,397 to see how to fill up a car. 87 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:10,957 But for the last five years, she's been sitting in the back seat going: 88 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:22,198 My parents are so stupid. 89 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:26,832 LOL. 90 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,758 Hey, here's a picture of my foot. 91 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:39,036 She tried to cram the entire thing with the sleeve into the hole. 92 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:43,870 Cramming and crushing and pushing. Mom, it won't fit. It's the wrong one. 93 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:45,911 Camera shaking. 94 00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:53,519 Then she finally figures out: It's gotta hang right there. 95 00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:58,634 She didn't turn on the pump, swipe a credit card or talk to the guy. 96 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:03,914 She just stood there, apparently waiting for the magic gas to flow. 97 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:24,633 And then she started doing this, realized nothing was going on: 98 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:31,231 Reaches over, squeezes the thing. 99 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:39,796 Camera's shaking. 100 00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,754 Mom, it won't stay on. 101 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:50,672 Again I saw that my wife can be cruel when she wants to be: 102 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:55,749 She didn't tell the child what to do. She walked over to the car. 103 00:09:55,880 --> 00:10:01,989 You see her hand reach into the frame. What she did took about half a second. 104 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:04,839 This is cruelty to children. 105 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:07,679 She squeezes the thing with her pinky... 106 00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:12,555 flips it shut like this to keep it squeezed, hand out of the frame. 107 00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:16,593 My daughter goes: Mom, how did you do that? 108 00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:27,240 Now we come to what I thought would be my favorite part of the episode: 109 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,510 The swiping of the credit card. 110 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:33,553 First she has to walk over here and get the credit card out of her purse. 111 00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:38,071 The purse, the woman's purse. That's another thing. 112 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:42,392 That is an evil accessory thing that women have. 113 00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:46,991 Guys don't wanna fricking get near the woman's purse. 114 00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:53,116 We carry everything we need in life in a piece of leather, folded over, that big. 115 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:59,588 My wife will say, get my keys out of my purse. I'm like, I ain't touching that thing. 116 00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:03,110 I've heard noises coming out of there. 117 00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:07,631 It's evil. I've seen you pull farm tools out of that. 118 00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:11,075 She shake her purse, nothing comes out. 119 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:15,034 Then reach in, 'look, a bowling ball'. There it is. 120 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:23,155 Knowing my daughter has to swipe the credit card... 121 00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:27,353 I'm thinking: Swiping the credit card is gonna be funny as hell. 122 00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:30,278 I'm the guy in the store with a credit card... 123 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:35,235 trying to match the way the stripe goes with the picture. 124 00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:40,878 OK, is this upside down? This is not 3-D, I don't understand this diagram. 125 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:44,037 Could you help me? Thank you. 126 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:49,917 I know that my daughter has... And I'm thinking, a 16-year-old girl... 127 00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:54,272 is never gonna know how to swipe a credit... 128 00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:01,396 What the hell was I thinking? 129 00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:05,672 She was trained by the Ninja of Shoppers. 130 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:16,553 My wife at Christmas time is like: Swipe, swipe, swipe. 131 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:18,910 It's unbelievable. 132 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:25,234 The time that it took my daughter to walk over here... 133 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:29,114 get in her purse, find the credit card, walk over here... 134 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:33,313 swipe it and for my money to be flowing away at five bucks a gallon... 135 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:38,912 I had to slow down the videotape to frame-by-frame to see how it happened. 136 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:52,028 That's the end of my story, but the next time this 16-year-old pisses me off... 137 00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:54,993 that videotape is going on YouTube, damn it. 138 00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:00,398 Thank you. 139 00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:15,231 'We' are very excited to be here doing the Christmas special. 140 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:17,316 I say 'we'. Most of us are excited. 141 00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:22,036 There's one guy that's been curmudgeonly about the Christmas thing. 142 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:29,509 Please help me welcome my old friend Walter. 143 00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:50,036 Oh, my Lord. Where the hell are we now? 144 00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:57,633 Well, they did a hell of a job decorating the gym. 145 00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:03,439 It's not a gym. You can see all the way... - Yeah. Look at that. 146 00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:10,757 Jump. 147 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,514 So where the hell are we? - Wisconsin. 148 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:32,510 Why are we here? Did you lose a bet? - Will you stop it? 149 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:36,910 This is a great city, great state. 150 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:39,838 What's the theater? - The Pabst. 151 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,599 As in beer? - That's right. 152 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:50,510 That's just great. If the show sucks, we'll all get wasted. 153 00:14:55,440 --> 00:15:00,036 This theater is very historic. It originally was an old vaudeville house. 154 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,754 Oh, and we're here now. 155 00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:06,555 That's great. 156 00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:09,797 Our career is zooming. 157 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:15,517 Next, we could be in Minnesota opening a Waffle House. 158 00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:23,552 What the hell is wrong with you? You should be happy like me. 159 00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:26,114 Shut the hell up. 160 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:37,639 So, Walter, you look very festive. Happy holidays. 161 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:48,556 You're really gonna try this, aren't you? 162 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:52,356 Happy holidays. 163 00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:59,799 I am not doing any Christmas crap. 164 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:04,518 It'll be fun. 165 00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:07,108 You are so gay. 166 00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:15,789 Just pretend. - What? 167 00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:18,229 Fake it. 168 00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:20,999 Does your wife do that too? 169 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:30,914 You know, it used to hurt my feelings. Now I realize it's just a great time saver. 170 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:34,191 We're done. Where's the remote? 171 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:42,197 Can we just do this? - OK, well, start over. 172 00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:52,198 Hey, Walter? - Yes, what is it, Jeff? 173 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:01,151 Sorry, I can't act worth shit. 174 00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:05,394 You look very festive. Happy holidays. 175 00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:09,069 What? - Happy holidays. 176 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:15,389 I've been wanting to say this years now: Screw you, it's merry Christmas. 177 00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:31,913 There are people of other faiths. - And they're wrong. 178 00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:37,916 What if somebody walked up to you and very sincerely said to you: 179 00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:40,349 Happy Kwanzaa. What would you do? 180 00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:50,320 First, I'd purchase them an eye color chart. 181 00:17:55,120 --> 00:18:00,353 Then I'd throw away the champagne and pull out the fricking malt liquor. 182 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,389 Ho ho, yo-yo. 183 00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:12,556 I understand. - Word. 184 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,790 Word? - Do you feel me? 185 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:22,711 Do you know what you're talking about? - Fo' shizzle. 186 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:27,232 Where did you learn all this? 187 00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:30,830 My cable box got stuck on the BET Network. 188 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:37,917 I learned a lot of new stuff. Apparently, now I'm ghetto fabulous. 189 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:43,073 Chill, home dawg. 190 00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:47,318 I'm thinkin' of bustin' a cap on yo ass. 191 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:49,317 Cracker. 192 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:58,713 Nice badonkadonks. 193 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:04,392 Oh yeah, there's nothing better than a woman's nice badonkadonk. 194 00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:11,230 She looks familiar. 195 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,516 Turn around. 196 00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:31,032 What? I think she's my screensaver. 197 00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:41,719 Impressive. - No idea what I just said... 198 00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:45,594 but I'm sure there's gonna be hookers at our hotel tonight. 199 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:51,077 And a badonkadonk chick. 200 00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:03,555 Put that thing away. - We left out a couple of new jokes. 201 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:09,277 I don't care. Put the damn thing away. Put it away. Now. I don't wanna do it. 202 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:12,836 Put it away. 203 00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:22,113 Don't you flare your nostrils at me, asshole. 204 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:26,757 I'll take you out right here. 205 00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:32,476 Just listen. We left out a couple of the new jokes. 206 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:35,194 We did? - Yeah. 207 00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:37,834 Hang on a second. 208 00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:42,470 Son of a bitch. Here's a good one, right there. 209 00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:48,358 There's the badonkadonk chick. That's you. That was a good one. 210 00:20:56,120 --> 00:21:00,636 Do that one. It's a good one - No, I don't wanna do that one. 211 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:04,309 We rehearsed it. - I don't care. Two of us make decisions. 212 00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:08,274 And one of us doesn't want to do it. 213 00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:12,759 Please? 214 00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:17,430 What? 215 00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:23,119 Please? - What the hell is wrong with you? 216 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:28,075 What? - No man says please to another man. 217 00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:32,159 The girls at your house are getting to you. You're acting like a chick. 218 00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:42,518 Will you just do this? - Oh, Lord. Alright, what the hell. 219 00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:45,313 Thank you. - Whatever. 220 00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:48,955 Hey, Jeff. Have you ever yelled out the wrong name during sex? 221 00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:52,516 That's not it. - I don't care. I wanna do this one. 222 00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:01,518 No. - Your wife said you have. 223 00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:06,714 That was a long time ago. - I know, it was awkward. He went: Philip. 224 00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:14,235 That is not true. - Still funny as hell. 225 00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:21,956 I'm very happy for the African Americans that they have the Kwanzaa holiday. 226 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:26,039 How come there's no all-white holidays? - What? 227 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:28,993 Merry Caucasia. 228 00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:34,272 Tonight we're having our usual Caucasia dinner: 229 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:37,153 Meatloaf and Tater Tots. 230 00:22:38,360 --> 00:22:45,038 And sing our traditional Caucasia songs: Free Bird and Margaritaville. 231 00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:57,677 Merry Caucasia. - You could be the poster child for that. 232 00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:00,314 Can we talk about Christmas? - Whatever. 233 00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:04,035 So, what did you get your wife? - A mop. 234 00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:08,950 What? You take the stick out: Hey, it's a wig. 235 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:15,870 Where are you shopping for your wife? - At the 99-cent store. 236 00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:19,913 What did you get your grandson? - A sponge. 237 00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:24,397 That's not a toy. - Just convince him it's Spongebob. 238 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:34,553 What did he say to that? - Spongebob doesn't have a scour side. 239 00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:38,958 I said: He is when he has an infection. Keep scrubbing. 240 00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:46,193 What were your favorite toys as a kid? - Nothing like today. 241 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:48,959 What do you mean? - They got computer games and all. 242 00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:51,230 We didn't have that stuff. 243 00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:54,796 To play tennis, we went outside and swung our racket. 244 00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:58,037 None of that Wii Wii crap. 245 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:05,638 And playing the guitar, there were strings, not frickin' colored buttons. 246 00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:13,593 And no shoot-'m-up games. We actually went outside and killed the asshole. 247 00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:24,870 I like the ones where you shoot aliens. - We shot a lot of foreigners too. 248 00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:30,477 What? - What about people of other religions? 249 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:32,511 What am I supposed to do? 250 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:36,315 Ask everybody what they are before I say anything to them? 251 00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:40,433 What? You're Catholic and you're Protestant? Merry Christmas. 252 00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:44,553 You're Jewish? Hang on. Happy Hanukkah. 253 00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:51,509 What are you? Atheist? Oh well, have a nice day. 254 00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:56,272 And what are you? 255 00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:13,154 What was that? - I couldn't understand a word he said. 256 00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:18,758 Hey, get back to me when you learn the fucking language. 257 00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:24,518 Say good night, Walter. 258 00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:27,473 There we go. That's Walter. 259 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:48,998 Not too long ago I became acquainted with a terrorist. 260 00:25:55,360 --> 00:26:00,150 But apparently he was not an accomplished terrorist. 261 00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:03,955 I don't know if he accomplished anything he set out to do... 262 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:07,436 I do know that he managed to blow himself up. 263 00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:11,712 I thought it'd be fun for him to come here on this Christmas special. 264 00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:14,354 Please welcome Achmed, the Dead Terrorist. 265 00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:40,835 Good evening. - Merry Christmas... 266 00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:44,430 infidels. 267 00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:48,155 How are you, Achmed? - No. Do not say my name. 268 00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:50,396 Why not? - I'm incognito. 269 00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:57,830 I have now successfully blended into your society. 270 00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:02,955 Thanks to this master of disguise. 271 00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:11,636 You have on a disguise? - Silence. 272 00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:13,512 I kill you. 273 00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:23,872 Silence. I kill you too. 274 00:27:32,760 --> 00:27:36,070 So your disguise is this Christmas hat? 275 00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:39,033 Don't. Don't say Christmas. 276 00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:40,991 It's a holiday hat. 277 00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:48,520 Why can't I say Christmas? - You offend the other infidels. 278 00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:53,470 You're afraid of offending people? - Yeah. 279 00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:59,552 You're a terrorist: You kill people. 280 00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:01,557 That's different. 281 00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:05,070 What? - Killing folks is easy. 282 00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:08,715 Being politically correct is a pain in the ass. 283 00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:17,793 Have you ever actually killed anyone? - Yeah. 284 00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:21,037 Where? - In a video game. 285 00:28:22,360 --> 00:28:25,113 Grand Theft Camel. 286 00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:33,510 That's a great video game. Terrorists around the world love that game. 287 00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:37,030 My son loved that game. - Your son? 288 00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:40,072 He's not around any more. - Why not? 289 00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:42,873 I'm a horrible parent. - Why? 290 00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:46,197 I took him to Take Your Kid To Work Day. 291 00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:53,720 It's not funny. 292 00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:56,718 My wife is still pissed at me. 293 00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:00,030 She said: Where's our son? 294 00:29:00,160 --> 00:29:03,311 Then I go: Over there, over there and up there. 295 00:29:07,400 --> 00:29:11,712 Kids nowadays, they blow up so fast. 296 00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:20,114 So you're trying to impersonate someone? 297 00:29:20,240 --> 00:29:23,471 I'm Santa Claus, damn it. 298 00:29:23,600 --> 00:29:27,275 I look just like him. I'm jolly. 299 00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:34,470 And I'm fat... 300 00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:37,759 ish. 301 00:29:39,080 --> 00:29:42,231 You're not fat. - I am if I'm a super model. 302 00:29:44,840 --> 00:29:47,513 Screw you, that's funny. 303 00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:54,633 What happened to your big fat tummy? - It's over there, over there and up there. 304 00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:02,229 You don't look like Santa Claus. - I sound just like him. 305 00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:04,920 What? - I can do his laugh perfectly. 306 00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:07,998 Really. - You wanna hear? OK, here we go. 307 00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:15,192 Merry Christmas. I kill you. 308 00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:25,470 Happy Hanukkah... 309 00:30:25,600 --> 00:30:28,273 Not. 310 00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:31,915 Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I need another dynamite 311 00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:41,791 Santa Claus goes: Ho, ho, ho. - That's what I said: Ha, ha, ha. 312 00:30:48,760 --> 00:30:51,115 I don't have any lips, you ass. 313 00:31:04,200 --> 00:31:07,237 How do I have phlegm? 314 00:31:07,360 --> 00:31:09,749 I don't have an esophagus. 315 00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:12,990 Didn't think that went through, did you? 316 00:31:18,120 --> 00:31:23,319 Last week I got really drunk, I couldn't throw up 'cause I don't have a stomach. 317 00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:27,438 Just a bunch of dusty heaves. 318 00:31:31,400 --> 00:31:35,313 Silence, I... Oh, not this crap again. 319 00:31:35,440 --> 00:31:38,352 Oh wait. Son of a bitch. What the hell? 320 00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:41,552 Need some frickin' duct tape. That's what I need: A... 321 00:32:06,280 --> 00:32:09,716 I kill you. 322 00:32:11,760 --> 00:32:14,558 I kill you till you're dead. 323 00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:17,996 That's worse. 324 00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:25,951 Why did you put my hand in your ass? 325 00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:33,710 Well, at least now maybe we'll get a better parking place. 326 00:32:38,680 --> 00:32:41,831 I hate this job. 327 00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:45,270 This job? - No, the other one. You know: 328 00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:52,797 Can I put this back? - I don't know, I can't see over there. 329 00:32:52,920 --> 00:32:56,959 What are all these marks on your arm? - Your frickin' Chihuahua. 330 00:33:04,200 --> 00:33:05,918 So what exactly happened? 331 00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:08,429 We were playing Twister. 332 00:33:09,920 --> 00:33:12,309 And I got Left Hand Green. 333 00:33:12,440 --> 00:33:15,910 I reached too far and my arm popped off. 334 00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:18,554 Walter laughed... 335 00:33:18,680 --> 00:33:20,910 Peanut kicked it... 336 00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:24,953 and the fucking dog ran out the door with it. 337 00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:34,395 It wasn't funny. 338 00:33:34,520 --> 00:33:38,832 I had to chase him around the yard. It was horrible. 339 00:33:38,960 --> 00:33:42,669 Ever step in dog poop with a bone foot? 340 00:33:48,200 --> 00:33:51,988 It's like some horrible Play-Doh Fun Factory. 341 00:33:59,360 --> 00:34:03,638 Oh Achmed, I'm very sorry you're having a tough time. 342 00:34:03,760 --> 00:34:05,876 My life sucks. 343 00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:10,792 Can I ask you a question? - Whatever. 344 00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:16,078 Have you ever actually succeeded in blowing anything up? 345 00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:17,918 Yeah. 346 00:34:18,040 --> 00:34:20,110 What have you actually blown up? 347 00:34:21,120 --> 00:34:22,758 A woman. 348 00:34:38,440 --> 00:34:40,317 You blew up a woman? 349 00:34:40,440 --> 00:34:42,795 She was inflatable. 350 00:34:47,560 --> 00:34:51,519 You know, an inflatable virgin? 351 00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:54,438 I had to stop seeing her. - Why? 352 00:34:54,560 --> 00:34:56,312 She popped. 353 00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:08,192 She ended up on the chandelier. 354 00:35:09,480 --> 00:35:12,677 She'd been there before, but not like that. 355 00:35:18,640 --> 00:35:21,074 Where do you find an inflatable virgin? 356 00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:24,476 Right next to the inflatable goats. 357 00:35:25,720 --> 00:35:30,032 Oh, like you've never done that. 358 00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:33,391 Seriously, how far are we from lowa? 359 00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:44,952 Listen, I'm very sorry you're having a tough time. 360 00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:47,753 Yeah, thanks a lot. 361 00:35:47,880 --> 00:35:50,838 So talk to someone who's had trouble as well. 362 00:35:50,960 --> 00:35:52,837 I don't know anybody like that. 363 00:35:52,960 --> 00:35:55,030 You could talk to Walter. 364 00:35:56,920 --> 00:36:00,151 He's not around here, is he? - Yeah, he's backstage. 365 00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:07,393 Why are you afraid of Walter? - He's one mean son of a bitch. 366 00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:14,990 Well, I'm sorry you're frightened of him. Can I do anything for you? 367 00:36:15,120 --> 00:36:17,395 Really? - Yeah, whatever. 368 00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:20,909 Could you hold me? 369 00:36:23,240 --> 00:36:26,038 I'm not kidding. Just a little bit. 370 00:36:43,280 --> 00:36:45,953 Is that Aqua Velva? 371 00:36:48,440 --> 00:36:50,510 Are you OK now? - Could you just... 372 00:36:50,640 --> 00:36:54,076 One more thing: Could you say something nice to me too? 373 00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:57,953 OK, I like your hat. 374 00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:01,156 You do? 375 00:37:02,600 --> 00:37:05,717 I love Christmas. 376 00:37:05,840 --> 00:37:07,956 You're Muslim. - No, I'm not. 377 00:37:08,080 --> 00:37:12,517 I'm made in China. Walter said they're going to recall me. 378 00:37:13,800 --> 00:37:17,713 I don't want to go back to China. I hate Chinese food. 379 00:37:17,840 --> 00:37:20,479 It goes right through me. 380 00:37:22,800 --> 00:37:26,190 I didn't know you liked Christmas. - Yes, I have a big tree. 381 00:37:26,320 --> 00:37:28,754 I had a big tree last year too. - You did? 382 00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:33,510 Yeah, I decorated it until it was almost perfect and then I blew it up. 383 00:37:34,640 --> 00:37:37,359 I can't wait to see Santa Claus and sit on his knee. 384 00:37:37,480 --> 00:37:41,075 I'm gonna tell him what I want and then I'm gonna blow him up. 385 00:37:47,200 --> 00:37:50,351 Rudolf the No-head Reindeer. 386 00:37:53,840 --> 00:37:56,479 I even got presents for all you guys. - You did? 387 00:37:56,600 --> 00:37:58,431 Even Walter. - That's very nice. 388 00:37:58,560 --> 00:38:03,270 Yes, but when Walter opens his, make sure you stand back a little bit. 389 00:38:05,240 --> 00:38:06,878 Shut the hell... 390 00:38:08,760 --> 00:38:13,117 So what else do you like about X-mas? - I love singing X-mas carols. 391 00:38:13,240 --> 00:38:15,435 You do? - Yes. 392 00:38:20,520 --> 00:38:24,638 So, like, which ones? - The favorites that we all know and love. 393 00:38:24,760 --> 00:38:27,672 You know, like Bin Laden is Coming to Town. 394 00:38:28,760 --> 00:38:31,035 Oh Holy Crap. 395 00:38:32,120 --> 00:38:35,351 Oh holy crap 396 00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:39,996 I think I blew my foot off 397 00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:48,834 And then there is the always lovely Silence Night. 398 00:38:51,240 --> 00:38:55,233 But, of course, my favorite is Jingle Bombs. 399 00:39:00,200 --> 00:39:02,794 Could we be honored with a little Jingle Bombs? 400 00:39:02,920 --> 00:39:06,959 If I'm going to sing, I must have master musical accompaniment. 401 00:39:07,080 --> 00:39:08,752 I think we have that. - We do. 402 00:39:08,880 --> 00:39:14,591 You know this guy. You've seen him on YouTube with my millions of video clips. 403 00:39:14,720 --> 00:39:17,996 You like him a lot. Please welcome him. - Brian Haner. 404 00:39:18,120 --> 00:39:21,795 Otherwise know as Guitar Guy. 405 00:39:26,080 --> 00:39:27,832 Hey there, Brian. - Good to see you. 406 00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:30,633 Hey, Guitar Guy. 407 00:39:30,760 --> 00:39:35,072 Thanks for coming and thanks for dressing like crap for our show. 408 00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:39,273 What the hell. I guess you're saving money for your drug abuse. 409 00:39:41,920 --> 00:39:47,119 Oh, he does drugs and he shares them with me. 410 00:39:47,240 --> 00:39:49,674 How do you think I lost all this weight? 411 00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:55,148 Listen, Guitar Guy, I'm glad you are here today. 412 00:39:55,280 --> 00:39:58,909 And I must say, you're a master at playing your guitar, are you not? 413 00:39:59,040 --> 00:40:02,953 Of course you are. Have you heard of this game: Guitar Hero? 414 00:40:03,080 --> 00:40:06,914 I've been practicing and when it comes to playing the guitar... 415 00:40:07,040 --> 00:40:13,275 I think that now I could kick your ass on the guitar, I know I can. 416 00:40:23,160 --> 00:40:26,516 Did I see Guitar Hero? I meant Halo. 417 00:40:28,520 --> 00:40:32,149 I think Brian is better than you. - I know. 418 00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:36,313 I got nothing now. 419 00:40:36,440 --> 00:40:38,795 My life sucks more. 420 00:40:38,920 --> 00:40:41,912 I have so many problems. 421 00:40:42,040 --> 00:40:44,315 We heard about them. - No, there's more. 422 00:40:46,160 --> 00:40:47,957 Would you like to hear? 423 00:40:51,560 --> 00:40:53,915 Last week... 424 00:40:54,040 --> 00:40:56,793 I thought I had scoliosis. 425 00:41:11,360 --> 00:41:15,512 This is where Jeff makes up crap just to make Guitar Guy laugh. 426 00:41:22,160 --> 00:41:23,912 You think that's funny? 427 00:41:25,240 --> 00:41:28,915 You told me I was twisted. I thought you meant my sense of humor. 428 00:41:31,040 --> 00:41:33,190 Wait till you get scoliosis. 429 00:41:33,320 --> 00:41:36,790 You'll be playing guitar behind your head, because you have to. 430 00:41:46,440 --> 00:41:48,112 Don't look at me. 431 00:41:50,800 --> 00:41:53,075 That's what she said. 432 00:42:03,520 --> 00:42:07,798 Did you know he had scoliosis? - No, I didn't. 433 00:42:07,920 --> 00:42:11,230 Maybe we should talk to him about it. 434 00:42:26,600 --> 00:42:30,036 Achmed, what did you do about the scoliosis? 435 00:42:34,760 --> 00:42:36,955 I went to the doctor... 436 00:42:41,120 --> 00:42:45,910 What happened? - The idiot goes: Hey, let's take an X-ray. 437 00:42:52,920 --> 00:42:56,913 I said: You idiot, how about a frickin' Polaroid? 438 00:42:57,040 --> 00:43:00,077 The same thing in my... Oh crap, not again. 439 00:43:02,800 --> 00:43:05,473 Apparently I had polio too. 440 00:43:25,160 --> 00:43:29,233 Well, anybody with poliosis should... 441 00:43:29,360 --> 00:43:30,998 Now wait... 442 00:43:33,240 --> 00:43:34,673 Wait a minute. 443 00:43:40,800 --> 00:43:43,314 What the fuck is poliosis? 444 00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:52,591 Help, I'm twisted and I can't get up. 445 00:44:11,120 --> 00:44:13,395 I forgot where we were. 446 00:44:15,800 --> 00:44:18,155 Milwaukee, asshole. 447 00:44:31,160 --> 00:44:37,599 Guitar Guy, I want to sing my song, but right now I am not inspired exactly. 448 00:44:37,720 --> 00:44:41,429 So you know what you need to do? You need to play me something. 449 00:44:41,560 --> 00:44:46,839 Inspire my soul with your music. Play me something you think I would like. 450 00:44:59,680 --> 00:45:02,592 You racist bastard. 451 00:45:12,640 --> 00:45:15,518 I hate Irish music. 452 00:45:21,600 --> 00:45:23,989 Do I look like a leprechaun? 453 00:45:29,000 --> 00:45:31,639 I'm looking for me lucky charms. 454 00:45:36,360 --> 00:45:40,638 Kind of hard to hope for luck charms when you have poliosis. 455 00:45:45,280 --> 00:45:47,840 I can't even eat luck charms. 456 00:45:47,960 --> 00:45:50,269 They go right through me too. 457 00:45:52,440 --> 00:45:55,273 The little oat x's hurt when they come out. 458 00:46:01,360 --> 00:46:04,158 Oh, there's a blue moon. 459 00:46:07,760 --> 00:46:11,230 Now I can fart in a rainbow of colors. 460 00:46:18,120 --> 00:46:21,192 Why don't you just do the song? - I don't care 461 00:46:22,640 --> 00:46:26,349 OK, I'll do the song now. 462 00:46:26,480 --> 00:46:31,713 I need a note so I know where to head. You got a note for me, Guitar Guy? 463 00:46:45,600 --> 00:46:48,353 You weren't even close. 464 00:46:48,480 --> 00:46:50,948 Gosh, I wonder why? 465 00:46:51,080 --> 00:46:53,753 Look at my giant ears. 466 00:46:58,680 --> 00:47:03,470 Can we have the note again? - Yeah, good. Didn't hear it the first time. 467 00:47:11,040 --> 00:47:15,716 Dashing through the sand with a bomb strapped to my back 468 00:47:15,840 --> 00:47:20,709 I have a nasty plan for Christmas in Iraq 469 00:47:20,840 --> 00:47:25,675 I got through checkpoint A but not through checkpoint B 470 00:47:25,800 --> 00:47:31,557 that's when I got shot in the ass by the US military 471 00:47:40,640 --> 00:47:42,039 Silence. 472 00:47:42,160 --> 00:47:44,469 I'm not finished. 473 00:47:44,600 --> 00:47:47,717 And this is a sad song. 474 00:47:47,840 --> 00:47:53,358 Oh, jingle bombs, jingle bombs mine blew up, you see 475 00:47:53,480 --> 00:47:58,474 where are all the virgins that Bin Laden promised me, oh 476 00:47:58,600 --> 00:48:03,151 jingle bombs, jingle bombs your soldiers shot me dead 477 00:48:03,280 --> 00:48:09,549 the only thing that I have left is this towel upon my head 478 00:48:09,680 --> 00:48:13,798 I used to be man 479 00:48:13,920 --> 00:48:16,434 but every time I cough 480 00:48:16,560 --> 00:48:21,680 thanks to Uncle Sam my nuts keep falling off 481 00:48:27,280 --> 00:48:29,748 Stop looking, you perverts. 482 00:48:30,960 --> 00:48:34,396 You can look, badonkadonk chick. 483 00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:43,470 And I have an Irish wiener. 484 00:48:46,960 --> 00:48:49,428 It's magically delicious. 485 00:48:59,720 --> 00:49:03,713 OK, that's funny, I give you that one. That was good. 486 00:49:03,840 --> 00:49:08,630 My bombing days are gone I need to find some work 487 00:49:08,760 --> 00:49:13,788 perhaps it would be much safer as a convenient store night clerk, oh 488 00:49:13,920 --> 00:49:18,357 jingle bombs, jingle bombs I think I got screwed 489 00:49:18,480 --> 00:49:26,512 don't laugh at me because I'm dead or I kill you 490 00:49:31,160 --> 00:49:35,517 Thank you. 491 00:49:51,720 --> 00:49:53,870 Thank you so much. 492 00:49:54,000 --> 00:49:59,233 My first special we had a guy on that I knew the audiences would enjoy. 493 00:49:59,360 --> 00:50:02,352 But I had no idea he'd get the following he has now. 494 00:50:02,480 --> 00:50:07,838 How do you describe him? Just white-trash trailer park, here is Bubba J. 495 00:50:22,800 --> 00:50:26,713 How are you doing, Bubba J? - I'm doing pretty good. 496 00:50:30,080 --> 00:50:33,117 What have you been doing? - Same thing I do every weekend. 497 00:50:33,240 --> 00:50:37,711 Just watching NASCAR and drinking beer. 498 00:50:42,800 --> 00:50:47,032 You've been writing Santa a letter. - I done that on the computer. 499 00:50:47,160 --> 00:50:51,073 Did you mail it to him? - No. 500 00:50:51,200 --> 00:50:55,193 Why? - My computer won't fit in the mailbox. 501 00:50:56,400 --> 00:50:59,915 Walter's right. You are a dumbass. 502 00:51:00,040 --> 00:51:04,238 You know, I took the opportunity of printing your letter for you. 503 00:51:04,360 --> 00:51:07,636 I noticed that the ink was kind of weird. 504 00:51:07,760 --> 00:51:13,676 That's because I was running out of ink, so I mixed it with beer. 505 00:51:13,800 --> 00:51:15,950 You mixed beer with ink? 506 00:51:16,080 --> 00:51:22,189 And if you smell that thing when you're reading it, you get a contact drunk. 507 00:51:23,920 --> 00:51:26,753 I learned that from Guitar Guy. 508 00:51:31,120 --> 00:51:34,795 Beernog. - How do you make beernog? 509 00:51:34,920 --> 00:51:38,754 You take a big old bowl of eggnog... 510 00:51:38,880 --> 00:51:40,836 and you pour it down the sink. 511 00:51:42,960 --> 00:51:44,791 And you drink a beer. 512 00:51:53,600 --> 00:51:57,275 I'm interested in what you wrote. Could you read the letter? 513 00:51:57,400 --> 00:51:59,436 Yeah, sure, OK. 514 00:52:07,640 --> 00:52:09,790 Bubba J. - Hang on, I ain't done yet. 515 00:52:11,080 --> 00:52:12,798 Bubba J. - I ain't done yet. 516 00:52:12,920 --> 00:52:16,356 What? Don't yell at me. You're scaring me when you yell. 517 00:52:19,400 --> 00:52:22,915 You remind me of that judge on American Idol. 518 00:52:23,040 --> 00:52:25,235 Simon. - Paula. 519 00:52:29,120 --> 00:52:32,317 What I meant was: Could you read the letter out loud? 520 00:52:34,080 --> 00:52:36,674 OK, you didn't say that. 521 00:52:38,600 --> 00:52:42,070 Dear Santa. Hi, it's me, Bubba J. 522 00:52:42,200 --> 00:52:44,270 That's me. 523 00:52:44,400 --> 00:52:48,029 I was the guy last Christmas who lit the fireplace... 524 00:52:48,160 --> 00:52:51,277 just as you came down the chimney. 525 00:52:51,400 --> 00:52:54,995 Sorry about your suit and your ass. 526 00:52:55,120 --> 00:52:57,793 Next time you should wear a NASCAR suit. 527 00:53:00,000 --> 00:53:02,468 See, it don't burn. 528 00:53:02,600 --> 00:53:05,433 He needs fire retarding tidy whities. 529 00:53:07,000 --> 00:53:11,437 You lit Santa on fire? - No, the damn fireplace did. 530 00:53:11,560 --> 00:53:14,120 And what happened? - Whooosh. 531 00:53:14,240 --> 00:53:18,836 He burst into flames like Marilyn Manson at a Baptist revival. 532 00:53:24,320 --> 00:53:28,233 Bubba J, that's awful. - That's why I'm still in therapy. 533 00:53:28,360 --> 00:53:33,275 It was hard to hear Santa go from ho ho ho, to ho ho holy shit. 534 00:53:34,680 --> 00:53:39,231 Why didn't you put him out? - That would've been a waste of beer. 535 00:53:40,400 --> 00:53:43,551 What about water? - We don't drink that crap. 536 00:53:43,680 --> 00:53:45,398 So how did you put him out? 537 00:53:46,920 --> 00:53:49,480 I peed on him. 538 00:53:52,360 --> 00:53:55,477 I've added a new step to that list. - What list? 539 00:53:55,600 --> 00:53:59,309 Stop, drop the good rolling around so I can piss on you. 540 00:54:00,880 --> 00:54:05,112 What else was going on? My dumbass brother was singing: 541 00:54:05,240 --> 00:54:09,472 On the first day of Christmas Santa was on fire 542 00:54:09,600 --> 00:54:13,434 and Bubba was a-whizzing on his head 543 00:54:13,560 --> 00:54:16,916 on the second day of Christmas Santa said to me 544 00:54:19,160 --> 00:54:21,549 See, his face is all wrapped up in gauze. 545 00:54:23,400 --> 00:54:26,551 This is terrible. - It seemed like it at the time. 546 00:54:26,680 --> 00:54:29,353 Next day it's funnier than hell. 547 00:54:29,480 --> 00:54:32,472 We peed on ourselves, laughing about it. 548 00:54:33,600 --> 00:54:35,830 Was there anything going on outside? 549 00:54:35,960 --> 00:54:40,988 My cousin Elroy shot Santa's lean deer. - What? 550 00:54:41,120 --> 00:54:46,797 It's not too often you see a twelve-point buck standing on your freakin' roof. 551 00:54:46,920 --> 00:54:49,639 We ate good for a month. 552 00:54:53,400 --> 00:54:55,675 Did you write more? - Yeah, let me see. 553 00:54:56,760 --> 00:55:02,118 Also Santa, in place of cookies this year, we're leaving you deer jerky. 554 00:55:06,360 --> 00:55:08,590 Guess where that came from. Ha, ha. 555 00:55:11,400 --> 00:55:13,152 The End. Signed, Bubba J. 556 00:55:13,280 --> 00:55:16,113 PS: Just to make sure, you know we moved. 557 00:55:16,240 --> 00:55:19,516 Not too far, the parking brake came loose. 558 00:55:26,400 --> 00:55:30,393 Now we live at 6738.2. 559 00:55:30,520 --> 00:55:34,513 So are you going to ask Santa for anything for Christmas? 560 00:55:34,640 --> 00:55:36,676 A beer. 561 00:55:36,800 --> 00:55:41,476 Ask for something bigger than that. - A beer truck. 562 00:55:41,600 --> 00:55:45,878 How long have you been drinking? - Since six a.m. 563 00:55:46,000 --> 00:55:48,195 Yesterday. 564 00:55:48,320 --> 00:55:51,039 A week ago. 565 00:55:52,280 --> 00:55:54,669 I meant your whole life. - Yeah. 566 00:55:56,440 --> 00:56:00,274 Hell, my mama was drunk when I was nursing. 567 00:56:00,400 --> 00:56:04,439 That's awful. - No, to me they were nature's kegs. 568 00:56:10,200 --> 00:56:13,112 We've been on tour and you've been having fun. 569 00:56:13,240 --> 00:56:17,233 Lots of fun. I like getting on a bus, and tour around. 570 00:56:17,360 --> 00:56:20,079 I've made some friends. - You like Guitar Guy. 571 00:56:20,200 --> 00:56:23,431 He's become a buddy. I like Guitar Guy, he's fun. 572 00:56:24,520 --> 00:56:29,036 You've worked on something with him. - Yeah. Hi, Guitar Guy. 573 00:56:36,240 --> 00:56:38,117 He's purty. 574 00:56:43,000 --> 00:56:45,116 Let's do the song. - Here we go. 575 00:56:45,240 --> 00:56:47,629 You're gonna like this song. 576 00:56:48,960 --> 00:56:50,518 It's Christmas. 577 00:56:57,400 --> 00:57:01,188 Oh, say can you see 578 00:57:02,480 --> 00:57:04,710 Yankee Doodle 579 00:57:08,200 --> 00:57:11,431 free bird 580 00:57:11,560 --> 00:57:14,870 What's wrong? - I've forgot to memorize the words. 581 00:57:16,440 --> 00:57:20,149 I wrote down the words for you on a piece of paper. 582 00:57:20,280 --> 00:57:23,158 On the back of your letter. - Oh good. 583 00:57:25,000 --> 00:57:27,036 OK, hang on. Let me see that. 584 00:57:42,040 --> 00:57:43,996 What? 585 00:57:46,680 --> 00:57:48,193 OK, I got it. 586 00:57:56,560 --> 00:58:01,156 Got my dog and a six-pack inside my truck 587 00:58:01,280 --> 00:58:06,195 my wife rides in the back because she won't shut up 588 00:58:06,320 --> 00:58:11,030 there's a deer in the headlights and though it might be a sin 589 00:58:11,160 --> 00:58:15,392 I gun the motor and run over him 590 00:58:15,520 --> 00:58:20,435 it's a roadkill Christmas 591 00:58:20,560 --> 00:58:24,712 venison pre-tenderized 592 00:58:24,840 --> 00:58:29,516 it's a roadkill Christmas 593 00:58:29,640 --> 00:58:34,555 'cause they freeze when the lights hit their eyes 594 00:58:34,680 --> 00:58:39,117 she loaded him into the back of the truck 595 00:58:39,240 --> 00:58:43,711 I was driving us home that's when he done woke up 596 00:58:43,840 --> 00:58:48,789 I couldn't believe what I saw in my rearview mirror 597 00:58:48,920 --> 00:58:53,198 my wife was a-wrestling with a mad deer 598 00:58:53,320 --> 00:58:57,757 it's a roadkill Christmas 599 00:58:57,880 --> 00:59:02,396 she had 50 pounds over him 600 00:59:02,520 --> 00:59:07,230 it's a roadkill Christmas 601 00:59:07,360 --> 00:59:11,990 it was no time till she had him pinned 602 00:59:12,120 --> 00:59:16,477 by the time we got home he was her pet 603 00:59:16,600 --> 00:59:21,276 that night he slept on my side of the bed 604 00:59:21,400 --> 00:59:25,871 I had to spend a night out in my truck 605 00:59:26,000 --> 00:59:31,677 but I had some beer so I didn't give a... darn 606 00:59:39,360 --> 00:59:42,989 That was close. - I know, I almost said damn. 607 00:59:44,160 --> 00:59:48,756 A couple of days later I made him a deal 608 00:59:48,880 --> 00:59:53,431 if he worked for me then he would not be my next meal 609 00:59:53,560 --> 00:59:57,917 I covered his antlers with foil and then 610 00:59:58,040 --> 01:00:02,636 I plugged the TV cable into his rear end 611 01:00:02,760 --> 01:00:07,072 it's a roadkill Christmas 612 01:00:07,200 --> 01:00:11,716 every Sunday he's up on my roof 613 01:00:11,840 --> 01:00:16,277 it's a roadkill Christmas 614 01:00:16,400 --> 01:00:20,951 I get NASCAR and the NFL too 615 01:00:21,080 --> 01:00:25,676 it's a roadkill Christmas 616 01:00:25,800 --> 01:00:30,316 that dumb deer changed my life 617 01:00:30,440 --> 01:00:34,991 it's a roadkill Christmas 618 01:00:35,120 --> 01:00:39,750 next time I'll run over my wife 619 01:00:39,880 --> 01:00:42,189 That's Brian and Bubba J. 620 01:00:58,400 --> 01:01:03,633 The next guy has been in my show for many years, so you'll know him. 621 01:01:03,760 --> 01:01:06,115 Please welcome my buddy Peanut. 622 01:01:16,880 --> 01:01:19,030 How are you doing? - Pretty good. You? 623 01:01:19,160 --> 01:01:22,118 I'm fine. - That's good, that's good. 624 01:01:26,160 --> 01:01:29,277 Christmas time 625 01:01:29,400 --> 01:01:32,153 Christmas time 626 01:01:32,280 --> 01:01:38,799 I love Christmas time in Milwaukee, Wisconsin 627 01:01:49,200 --> 01:01:54,433 Peanut, why are you singing? - Well, the star always sings in his show. 628 01:01:57,640 --> 01:02:00,598 I don't know if you're actually the star of the show. 629 01:02:00,720 --> 01:02:03,837 OK, that reminds me of a song. 630 01:02:03,960 --> 01:02:06,872 Oh, Jef-fa-fa 631 01:02:16,040 --> 01:02:19,828 oh, Jef-fa-fa oh, Jef-fa-fa 632 01:02:19,960 --> 01:02:23,999 without me you would suck caca 633 01:02:30,200 --> 01:02:33,909 oh, Jef-fa-fa oh, Jef-fa-fa 634 01:02:34,040 --> 01:02:37,077 you are my bitch 635 01:02:41,720 --> 01:02:47,670 Milwaukee, yes, I love Milwaukee and I love the badonkadonk chick 636 01:02:50,160 --> 01:02:54,073 You need to go off me, you know why? You go purple, you never go back. 637 01:02:56,160 --> 01:02:59,789 Milwaukee, Milwaukee yes, I love Milwaukee 638 01:03:24,840 --> 01:03:28,594 Peanut, what is wrong with you? - Nyquil and Red Bull. 639 01:03:39,120 --> 01:03:42,556 Will you calm down? - I don't think I can, can, can. 640 01:03:44,800 --> 01:03:47,109 Just hold on, take deep breaths. 641 01:03:49,040 --> 01:03:50,439 Slow it down. 642 01:04:03,240 --> 01:04:06,312 Are you OK? - I think so. 643 01:04:06,440 --> 01:04:08,112 Look at me. 644 01:04:09,680 --> 01:04:11,875 You're so cute. 645 01:04:15,600 --> 01:04:18,717 There's one more member of our family we need to introduce. 646 01:04:18,840 --> 01:04:22,037 Hold it: Family? 647 01:04:23,360 --> 01:04:26,591 We're a family? Oh my gosh. 648 01:04:26,720 --> 01:04:28,711 Please tell me I'm adopted. 649 01:04:29,920 --> 01:04:34,675 And I'd like to be an Angelina Jolie adoptee. 650 01:04:37,440 --> 01:04:39,715 And one who's still nursing. 651 01:04:43,120 --> 01:04:47,033 I'm sorry, Brad Pitt, that I'm the kid and I'm frickin' thirsty. 652 01:04:50,840 --> 01:04:55,789 My biggest decision of the day would be: Hmm, let's see, left or right? 653 01:04:57,720 --> 01:05:00,154 Or right down the middle. 654 01:05:10,520 --> 01:05:15,150 Peanut, how did we go from Christmas... - To Angelina's boobs? 655 01:05:15,280 --> 01:05:19,114 Can you get them for Christmas for me, please? 656 01:05:19,240 --> 01:05:21,879 They would be my holiday hooters. 657 01:05:23,320 --> 01:05:26,790 You ever put tinsel on a tata? - Will you stop it? 658 01:05:26,920 --> 01:05:30,629 All I want for Christmas are her two headlights 659 01:05:34,840 --> 01:05:39,311 Brad Pitt's gonna be unhappy. You're making fun of his wife's titties. 660 01:05:40,760 --> 01:05:43,513 Yes, I said titties. 661 01:05:43,640 --> 01:05:46,996 Bodacious tatas. 662 01:05:47,120 --> 01:05:49,680 If they're little they're tittles. 663 01:05:56,200 --> 01:05:58,589 If they're big they're tatonsters. 664 01:06:01,640 --> 01:06:03,312 Titzillas. 665 01:06:05,360 --> 01:06:08,033 Titonics. 666 01:06:08,160 --> 01:06:11,277 Those are sad, 'cause when they get older they sink. 667 01:06:24,440 --> 01:06:27,000 Holy crap, I made you laugh on that one. 668 01:06:30,240 --> 01:06:33,516 Globes of love. 669 01:06:34,680 --> 01:06:40,630 I was actually talking about Jos�. - The jalape�o? On a stick? 670 01:06:42,240 --> 01:06:46,028 I don't think Jos� celebrates Christmas. 671 01:06:46,160 --> 01:06:49,152 No? - They do something called Navidad. 672 01:06:54,520 --> 01:06:57,592 With some chick named Phyllis. 673 01:07:01,880 --> 01:07:04,110 Feliz Navidad. - Yeah, that bitch. 674 01:07:10,280 --> 01:07:12,840 That means merry Christmas in Spanish. 675 01:07:12,960 --> 01:07:15,269 Ol�. 676 01:07:15,400 --> 01:07:18,836 Here he is. - Jos� Jalape�o on a stick. 677 01:07:31,880 --> 01:07:33,598 Good evening and merry Christmas. 678 01:07:33,720 --> 01:07:38,191 Gracias, se�or. It's good to see you both, se�or Dunham and Peanut. 679 01:07:38,320 --> 01:07:41,710 We're talking about Christmas. - I love Christmas. 680 01:07:41,840 --> 01:07:45,116 What the hell is Chreestmas? - Isn't it Christmas? 681 01:07:45,240 --> 01:07:48,357 No, no, it was Chreestmas. 682 01:07:48,480 --> 01:07:52,712 Are dyou making fun of my accent? - Dyes. 683 01:07:56,760 --> 01:07:58,557 You guys were on your first ski trip. 684 01:07:58,680 --> 01:08:02,593 Jos� and Achmed saw snow for the first time ever. 685 01:08:02,720 --> 01:08:04,233 How was the skiing? - Great. 686 01:08:04,360 --> 01:08:06,396 I had to snowboard. 687 01:08:08,480 --> 01:08:10,471 Stick. 688 01:08:12,520 --> 01:08:15,478 Jos�, did you dress warmly for the trip? - S�. 689 01:08:15,600 --> 01:08:18,672 What did you wear? - A scarf. 690 01:08:18,800 --> 01:08:21,234 And one boot. 691 01:08:22,840 --> 01:08:26,389 I told him he should've just worn a garden hose. 692 01:08:30,360 --> 01:08:34,239 You know what he can use as a raincoat? A condom. 693 01:08:39,320 --> 01:08:41,914 So how did the trip go? - It was a disaster. 694 01:08:42,040 --> 01:08:43,553 Really? What happened? 695 01:08:43,680 --> 01:08:45,636 Achmed broke his leg. 696 01:08:47,200 --> 01:08:50,078 The bone was sticking out. 697 01:08:51,400 --> 01:08:55,678 It's always sticking out. - Did you put a splint on it? 698 01:08:55,800 --> 01:08:57,518 Of course. - What'd you use? 699 01:08:57,640 --> 01:08:59,232 Me. 700 01:09:04,640 --> 01:09:08,838 So when did this happen? - During the avalanche. 701 01:09:08,960 --> 01:09:10,757 Achmed started it. 702 01:09:12,680 --> 01:09:15,956 We told him not to bring that bomb. 703 01:09:16,080 --> 01:09:18,799 He had a bomb? - On a stick. 704 01:09:20,640 --> 01:09:24,519 Why did Achmed have a bomb? - I think he's a workaholic. 705 01:09:26,520 --> 01:09:30,559 What happened after the avalanche? - We were kept in the snow for 3 days. 706 01:09:30,680 --> 01:09:35,071 Did you have anything to eat? - A jalape�o. 707 01:09:41,680 --> 01:09:44,752 You're a sick bastard. 708 01:09:44,880 --> 01:09:47,235 We were finally rescued by a Saint Bernard. 709 01:09:47,360 --> 01:09:50,557 But the dog took Achmed and buried his ass. 710 01:09:56,840 --> 01:10:00,515 And his head, and his feet. It was hilarious. 711 01:10:00,640 --> 01:10:05,236 Why didn't you help Achmed? - We were laughing too hard. 712 01:10:05,360 --> 01:10:09,672 I want to get back to Christmas. How do you celebrate the holidays? 713 01:10:09,800 --> 01:10:12,872 We wake up in the morning... - And then they take a nap. 714 01:10:18,680 --> 01:10:20,910 I'm kidding, I know they work very hard. 715 01:10:21,040 --> 01:10:25,670 They run to the border and decorate all of the barbed wire. 716 01:10:31,160 --> 01:10:36,188 Jos� does not run to the border. - You're right, he goes doing, doing... 717 01:10:42,600 --> 01:10:45,194 Jos�, what does Christmas mean to you? 718 01:10:45,320 --> 01:10:48,710 It's the day Jes�s was born. - Right. 719 01:10:49,800 --> 01:10:53,509 I didn't know your gardener was born on Christmas. 720 01:10:54,680 --> 01:10:59,231 Hey Jes�s. Happy birthday, man. 721 01:10:59,360 --> 01:11:02,318 Today you can skip the leaves. 722 01:11:06,360 --> 01:11:10,239 What do you want for Christmas? - I think he needs a bigger stick. 723 01:11:11,640 --> 01:11:14,438 That's not what your mother said. 724 01:11:16,000 --> 01:11:19,549 That was Jos� Jalape�o. 725 01:11:19,680 --> 01:11:22,035 No, wait a minute. 726 01:11:22,160 --> 01:11:25,675 Oh man, that sucks. I want to kick his ass. 727 01:11:25,800 --> 01:11:28,075 Or kick his stick. 728 01:11:28,200 --> 01:11:31,636 Or kick his sticky ass. 729 01:11:31,760 --> 01:11:34,638 We're gonna do something a little different. 730 01:11:34,760 --> 01:11:37,638 You're gonna be funny? 731 01:11:39,680 --> 01:11:42,319 It's a Christmas miracle. 732 01:11:43,560 --> 01:11:48,076 Let's all hold hands and sing Kumbaya. 733 01:11:48,200 --> 01:11:53,433 I'd like to do is something that's been a tradition in my family for many years. 734 01:11:53,560 --> 01:11:56,393 We're gonna get drunk and throw up. 735 01:11:59,720 --> 01:12:04,157 No, I'd like to read everyone the story The Night Before Christmas. 736 01:12:04,280 --> 01:12:06,589 OK... No. 737 01:12:07,720 --> 01:12:09,915 This will be good. - No, it'll suck. 738 01:12:13,880 --> 01:12:16,792 No, let me say it in Japanese: No. 739 01:12:26,120 --> 01:12:29,954 You have the book? Oh, my Lord. 740 01:12:30,080 --> 01:12:33,117 I am so sorry. 741 01:12:33,240 --> 01:12:37,119 If you insist on reading this lame-ass 120-year-old story... 742 01:12:37,240 --> 01:12:39,470 we need good music. - We have that. 743 01:12:39,600 --> 01:12:42,398 Let's have Guitar Guy come back then. 744 01:12:48,600 --> 01:12:54,391 Thanks for taking out time between your drug sessions on the bus back there. 745 01:12:54,520 --> 01:12:58,274 He doesn't do drugs. - Oh yes, he does. 746 01:12:58,400 --> 01:13:02,473 How do you know that? - Backstage we talked about comedy. 747 01:13:02,600 --> 01:13:06,479 I asked him for some good lines, he gave me a straw. 748 01:13:14,720 --> 01:13:16,915 You know how else I know you do drugs? 749 01:13:17,040 --> 01:13:22,239 Because you're looking me in the eye and you think I'm actually looking back. 750 01:13:32,000 --> 01:13:34,275 Drug Man. 751 01:13:34,400 --> 01:13:37,756 Evil superhero, that's what you could be. 752 01:13:37,880 --> 01:13:40,599 An evil superhero? - Absolutely. 753 01:13:42,560 --> 01:13:44,710 You could have a cape. 754 01:13:44,840 --> 01:13:48,628 Unfurl it and a big puff of light comes out. 755 01:13:48,760 --> 01:13:51,115 Druggies are following you. 756 01:13:53,120 --> 01:13:56,192 It's Drug Man. 757 01:13:56,320 --> 01:13:58,629 Drug Man. 758 01:14:05,520 --> 01:14:07,875 He's pissed now. 759 01:14:08,000 --> 01:14:12,790 Hopefully he'll never figure out that this is actually all you. 760 01:14:17,640 --> 01:14:23,033 On the bus tonight be afraid, be very afraid. 761 01:14:23,160 --> 01:14:26,869 You'll wake up and Walter's head will be in bed with you. 762 01:14:32,680 --> 01:14:35,478 You should've been in The Godfather. - Why? 763 01:14:35,600 --> 01:14:40,594 You could make the horse's head in bed talk: Good morning. 764 01:14:50,400 --> 01:14:53,517 Stop picking on Brian. - OK, OK. 765 01:14:53,640 --> 01:14:56,234 I heard Bubba say you're gay. 766 01:14:56,360 --> 01:14:58,351 You're so cute. 767 01:15:02,080 --> 01:15:04,116 Gay. 768 01:15:04,240 --> 01:15:08,119 He's not gay. - OK. Alright. 769 01:15:08,240 --> 01:15:13,314 A gay guy has a guy that he hangs around with and does things together... 770 01:15:29,880 --> 01:15:32,758 Oh-my-gosh. 771 01:15:32,880 --> 01:15:35,758 This explains everything. 772 01:15:35,880 --> 01:15:38,917 I'm not gay. - Come on. 773 01:15:39,040 --> 01:15:41,395 Seriously, which one of you is the girl? 774 01:15:43,600 --> 01:15:48,151 Let me guess: The one with the guitar or the one who has the dolls? 775 01:15:58,360 --> 01:16:01,352 Can I just read The Night Before Christmas? 776 01:16:01,480 --> 01:16:04,472 Yeah, like every straight guy wants to do. 777 01:16:05,600 --> 01:16:08,034 Gay. 778 01:16:08,160 --> 01:16:13,996 Wait, you've got to bring this thing to life. You got to make it today. 779 01:16:14,120 --> 01:16:17,032 You got music that'll make this thing really good? 780 01:16:17,160 --> 01:16:22,553 What kind of music fits this story? Come on, let's hear it. Hear. 781 01:16:31,400 --> 01:16:33,356 I have a headache. 782 01:16:34,880 --> 01:16:37,553 Come on, what do you got? Let's hear it. 783 01:16:43,280 --> 01:16:46,829 OK, he wasn't doing cocaine, it was pot. 784 01:16:52,600 --> 01:16:55,239 Are you a pot person? 785 01:16:55,360 --> 01:16:57,555 You're a ganja guy? 786 01:16:57,680 --> 01:17:00,035 A doobie dude? 787 01:17:03,080 --> 01:17:05,913 A Mary Jane musician? 788 01:17:07,720 --> 01:17:10,518 OK. 789 01:17:10,640 --> 01:17:13,757 Peanut, this is Christmas. - And now I'm hungry. 790 01:17:19,480 --> 01:17:21,994 Alright, let's do the story. - Whatever. 791 01:17:23,560 --> 01:17:25,755 And now the night before Christmas. 792 01:17:25,880 --> 01:17:30,192 This could be a good time for the Muslims to go to the bathroom. 793 01:17:35,040 --> 01:17:39,955 'Twas the night before Christmas... - And all the Jews were at the movies. 794 01:17:46,400 --> 01:17:48,391 Or eating Chinese food. 795 01:17:50,160 --> 01:17:53,152 I'm just trying to include everybody. 796 01:17:54,760 --> 01:17:56,318 'Twas... - Hold it. 797 01:17:56,440 --> 01:17:59,955 Who the hell says 'Twas? - It's in the story. 798 01:18:00,080 --> 01:18:01,957 It's old and stupid. 799 01:18:02,080 --> 01:18:04,275 It's tradition. - 'Tis it? 800 01:18:08,280 --> 01:18:12,273 And all through the house... - Why is it always a house? 801 01:18:12,400 --> 01:18:14,868 There's kids that live in apartments. 802 01:18:15,000 --> 01:18:20,518 How does Santa Claus get to the kids in the apartments, Uncle Jeffie? 803 01:18:20,640 --> 01:18:23,279 They have to buzz his ass in. 804 01:18:31,800 --> 01:18:34,394 Santa Claus. 805 01:18:39,520 --> 01:18:42,751 And all through the apartments not a creature was stirring... 806 01:18:42,880 --> 01:18:45,997 Except for the asshole in 2-B. 807 01:18:50,920 --> 01:18:54,310 They're drunk and hitting each other with menorahs. 808 01:18:56,000 --> 01:18:58,309 Oy vey. 809 01:18:59,320 --> 01:19:01,914 That's Jewish for holy shit. 810 01:19:14,800 --> 01:19:19,635 Nothing funnier than throwing in a couple of holy shits before Christmas, huh? 811 01:19:24,120 --> 01:19:26,190 Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. 812 01:19:26,320 --> 01:19:30,393 Mouse? You wish. You're in an apartment, that's a rat. 813 01:19:31,840 --> 01:19:34,070 The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. 814 01:19:34,200 --> 01:19:37,875 And believe me, the room could use some fresh air. 815 01:19:38,920 --> 01:19:40,956 How did that tradition start? 816 01:19:41,080 --> 01:19:46,154 Hanging up dirty laundry hoping Santa would fill them with goodies. 817 01:19:46,280 --> 01:19:50,353 I'd like to suck on this candy cane, but it smells like Dad's feet. 818 01:19:51,760 --> 01:19:54,911 Good thing the tradition wasn't jockstraps. 819 01:19:59,920 --> 01:20:03,310 Sally, what's in yours? Nuts. 820 01:20:09,440 --> 01:20:12,557 And Mommy says they're magically delicious. 821 01:20:20,040 --> 01:20:21,996 You are ruining this story. 822 01:20:22,120 --> 01:20:26,272 You're the pervert eating out of your own jockstrap. 823 01:20:26,400 --> 01:20:29,597 The part with kids and sugar plums dancing in their heads? 824 01:20:29,720 --> 01:20:32,632 What is that? I think they're hallucinating. 825 01:20:32,760 --> 01:20:36,309 These apartment children are on drugs. 826 01:20:39,800 --> 01:20:43,031 Santa's gonna bring me a G. I. Joe and a bong. 827 01:20:44,920 --> 01:20:47,480 And Daddy wants a ho ho ho. 828 01:20:51,160 --> 01:20:53,469 It's Daddy and the three hos. 829 01:20:58,200 --> 01:21:01,510 With mama in her kerchief and I in my cap, had just settled down... 830 01:21:01,640 --> 01:21:03,756 For a mixed snort of crack. 831 01:21:05,880 --> 01:21:09,475 Oh, Guitar Guy. You're in this story too. 832 01:21:14,680 --> 01:21:19,310 Get to the part where Santa gets busted for breaking and entering. 833 01:21:19,440 --> 01:21:24,798 It's not breaking and entering. - Keep dreaming. I think it qualifies. 834 01:21:24,920 --> 01:21:27,036 As I drew in my head and was turning around... 835 01:21:27,160 --> 01:21:29,799 down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound. 836 01:21:29,920 --> 01:21:32,992 He fell down. And doesn't it say his face was all red? 837 01:21:33,120 --> 01:21:37,591 Why does no one ever see this? He is drunk off his ass. 838 01:21:38,600 --> 01:21:42,115 This is a horrible, horrible, story. 839 01:21:46,120 --> 01:21:48,953 He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot... 840 01:21:49,080 --> 01:21:52,038 and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot. 841 01:21:52,160 --> 01:21:58,429 That, drinking and driving, in a furry gay outfit covered in soot. 842 01:21:58,560 --> 01:22:00,835 He's smoking and you let him in the house... 843 01:22:00,960 --> 01:22:04,794 because he said he had something for your kids. 844 01:22:12,520 --> 01:22:15,353 What the hell a kind of a father are you anyway? 845 01:22:15,480 --> 01:22:19,519 If I were you I'd check his ID, then Taser his fat ass. 846 01:22:19,640 --> 01:22:21,517 And how fat is this guy anyway? 847 01:22:21,640 --> 01:22:26,509 People leave him plates full of cookies. I think he's a diabetic too. 848 01:22:26,640 --> 01:22:29,916 You got to leave him a plate full of insulin. 849 01:22:30,040 --> 01:22:32,838 Can't wait to hear The Night Before Christmas, part 2: 850 01:22:32,960 --> 01:22:35,520 Santa's on dialysis and he's missing a leg. 851 01:22:42,440 --> 01:22:46,558 And all his little dollies have poliosis. 852 01:22:51,880 --> 01:22:55,429 Can I finish this story? - Oh, please do. 853 01:22:57,080 --> 01:22:59,913 He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle... 854 01:23:00,040 --> 01:23:02,600 Gotta go quick, 'cause there's a cop with a pistol. 855 01:23:04,760 --> 01:23:07,274 But I heard him exclaim ere he drove out of sight... 856 01:23:07,400 --> 01:23:11,359 Merry Christmas to all. Oh crap, I ran over your bike. 857 01:23:11,480 --> 01:23:15,553 You guys have been a great audience. Thanks for coming, merry Christmas. 858 01:23:17,000 --> 01:23:18,752 Thank you. 859 01:23:34,000 --> 01:23:38,198 Give him a big hand, my good friend Brian Haner, ladies and gentleman.