2
00:01:07,043 --> 00:01:13,250
<i>People ask me, "Carole, how do you
and Bruce keep the spice in your marriage?"</i>

3
00:01:13,251 --> 00:01:16,792
<i>Well,
I tell them it's really simple.</i>

4
00:01:16,793 --> 00:01:20,151
<i>I'm just the ultimate tease.</i>

5
00:01:20,876 --> 00:01:23,667
<i>Me and Bruce, we're not that different.</i>

6
00:01:23,668 --> 00:01:25,583
<i>We know what we want.</i>

7
00:01:25,584 --> 00:01:28,250
<i>We know how to get it.</i>

8
00:01:28,251 --> 00:01:32,583
<i>Like this promotion he's going for.
We both know he'll win.</i>

9
00:01:32,584 --> 00:01:34,750
<i>And when he does,</i>

10
00:01:34,751 --> 00:01:36,583
<i>the Robertson household</i>

11
00:01:36,584 --> 00:01:41,568
<i>is gonna be one big happy family again.</i>

12
00:01:41,751 --> 00:01:43,693
<i>I kid you not.</i>

13
00:01:57,084 --> 00:01:58,943
- Jimmy!

14
00:02:01,584 --> 00:02:02,875
Whoo-hoo!

15
00:02:08,584 --> 00:02:10,250
What did you just fucking call me?

16
00:02:10,251 --> 00:02:12,943
Just give us your money, mate.

17
00:02:14,209 --> 00:02:16,125
Fucking hurry up!

18
00:02:22,293 --> 00:02:25,193
Fucking...

19
00:02:33,168 --> 00:02:35,068
Scatter.

20
00:02:58,501 --> 00:02:59,792
<i>BRUCE'. Scotland.</i>

21
00:02:59,793 --> 00:03:03,750
<i>This nation brought the world
television, the steam engine, golf,</i>

22
00:03:03,751 --> 00:03:09,401
<i>whisky, penicillin
and, of course, the deep fried Mars bar.</i>

23
00:03:10,376 --> 00:03:16,151
<i>It is great being Scottish.
We're such a uniquely successful race.</i>

24
00:03:20,959 --> 00:03:23,984
<i>And as my wife Carole always says,</i>

25
00:03:26,168 --> 00:03:28,818
<i>"There's no place like home."</i>

26
00:03:46,001 --> 00:03:48,401
Nice one. All right, pal?

27
00:03:52,293 --> 00:03:56,292
<i>The games are always,
repeat, always, being played</i>

28
00:03:56,293 --> 00:03:58,375
<i>but nobody plays the games like me,</i>

29
00:03:58,376 --> 00:04:00,583
<i>Detective Sergeant Bruce Robertson,</i>

30
00:04:00,584 --> 00:04:03,984
<i>soon to be
Detective Inspector Bruce Robertson.</i>

31
00:04:04,084 --> 00:04:08,068
<i>You just have to be the best, and I usually am.</i>

32
00:04:08,084 --> 00:04:10,083
<i>Same rules apply.</i>

33
00:04:23,793 --> 00:04:26,068
What the fuck?

34
00:04:28,668 --> 00:04:30,568
Morning.

35
00:04:33,918 --> 00:04:35,776
Right.

36
00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:40,292
Our victim is a Japanese male

37
00:04:40,293 --> 00:04:42,276
in his early 20s... Yes, Peter?

38
00:04:42,543 --> 00:04:44,708
Sorry, boss, just a wee point.

39
00:04:44,709 --> 00:04:48,417
Maybe we shouldn't stigmatise the guy
by calling him a victim.

40
00:04:48,418 --> 00:04:51,833
Poor wee chinky bastard's dead.
Doesnae matter what you call him now.

41
00:04:51,834 --> 00:04:54,125
Care to share the joke with us, Dougie?

42
00:04:54,126 --> 00:04:57,042
<i>Dougie Gillman
is your average Scottish copper.</i>

43
00:04:57,043 --> 00:05:04,068
Sixty years ago in the glorious fucking Reich,
you'd be turned into handbags!

44
00:05:04,168 --> 00:05:08,792
<i>BRUCE'. At 5/1, Gillman poses a serious
challenge to my promotion prospects.</i>

45
00:05:08,793 --> 00:05:12,484
<i>So he, like the others,
will have to be eliminated,</i>

46
00:05:12,793 --> 00:05:16,792
<i>starting with my main rival
for the inspector's job, Peter Inglis.</i>

47
00:05:16,793 --> 00:05:19,792
<i>Inglis is what they call metrosexual...</i>

48
00:05:25,751 --> 00:05:29,792
<i>...but what I call a fucking bufty. 2/1.</i>

49
00:05:29,793 --> 00:05:31,250
There was no positive ID,

50
00:05:31,251 --> 00:05:34,375
<i>but BS Lennox has been
down at the murder scene.</i>

51
00:05:34,376 --> 00:05:38,167
<i>Ray Lennox,
the department's rookie and resident junkie.</i>

52
00:05:38,168 --> 00:05:40,526
I love the chang!

53
00:05:41,418 --> 00:05:44,542
<i>Even though Lennox is more interested
in trying to bang the office secretary</i>

54
00:05:44,543 --> 00:05:49,083
<i>than any kind of career advancement,
he'll still have to be publicly humiliated.</i>

55
00:05:49,084 --> 00:05:50,651
<i>20/1.</i>

56
00:05:51,584 --> 00:05:53,609
Official policy at the moment is...

57
00:05:53,709 --> 00:05:55,375
Yes, Gus?

58
00:05:55,376 --> 00:05:57,208
What is the party line, boss?

59
00:05:57,209 --> 00:06:01,083
<i>BRUCE'. Gus Bain, bit of a long shot
because he's not the sharpest tool in the box.</i>

60
00:06:01,084 --> 00:06:04,333
- I've got a new toothbrush, miss!

61
00:06:04,334 --> 00:06:08,292
<i>But then, when did a single-figure IQ
hold anybody back in the police force?</i>

62
00:06:08,293 --> 00:06:09,583
<i>7/1.</i>

63
00:06:09,584 --> 00:06:13,292
...In accordance with the description
which Detective Drummond

64
00:06:13,293 --> 00:06:14,583
will presently hand out to you.

65
00:06:14,584 --> 00:06:17,542
<i>- Thanks,</i> Bob.
<i>- "Thanks, Bob.”</i>"

66
00:06:17,543 --> 00:06:19,375
<i>That arse-kissing Amanda Drummond</i>

67
00:06:19,376 --> 00:06:21,625
<i>would suck Toal off right now
if he promoted her.</i>

68
00:06:21,626 --> 00:06:23,500
<i>Not that it would do her any good, of course,</i>

69
00:06:23,501 --> 00:06:27,042
<i>because some sad wanker from uniform
is gonna impregnate the wee slag</i>

70
00:06:27,043 --> 00:06:31,333
<i>and that'll be her stint at playing
Cagney and fucking Lacey well and truly over.</i>

71
00:06:31,334 --> 00:06:32,917
<i>10/1.</i>

72
00:06:32,918 --> 00:06:36,958
The umbilical cord
that connects the north and south...

73
00:06:36,959 --> 00:06:42,609
<i>Umbilical cord? The last time I looked
it was a tunnel, you fucking clown.</i>

74
00:06:42,959 --> 00:06:46,208
<i>Edinburgh's worst kept secret is
that Chief Inspector Bob Toal here</i>

75
00:06:46,209 --> 00:06:48,526
<i>has ambitions as a screenwriter.</i>

76
00:06:50,709 --> 00:06:54,125
<i>If that lazy, fat fucker spent less time
dreaming about Hollywood</i>

77
00:06:54,126 --> 00:06:57,917
<i>and more time promoting me,
then the streets would be safer for everybody.</i>

78
00:06:57,918 --> 00:07:01,042
And they left him there,
lying like a pile of rubbish.

79
00:07:01,043 --> 00:07:03,542
- Maybe he was rubbish.
- What?

80
00:07:03,543 --> 00:07:05,625
- To the assailants, of course.

81
00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:08,417
<i>BRUCE'. Aye, that's it. Your docile chat
might impress the boss,</i>

82
00:07:08,418 --> 00:07:10,734
<i>but it doesn't impress my fucking hangover.</i>

83
00:07:11,251 --> 00:07:13,417
<i>I have got news for this herd of donkeys.</i>

84
00:07:13,418 --> 00:07:18,125
<i>There is only one horse can win this race and
that horse is Bruce the Stallion Robertson.</i>

85
00:07:18,126 --> 00:07:20,526
Right, crack on with it.

86
00:07:21,043 --> 00:07:23,734
- Quick word, Bruce.
- Yes, boss?

87
00:07:24,501 --> 00:07:29,583
Things are pretty stretched around here
until we get the new DI position filled.

88
00:07:29,584 --> 00:07:34,292
I want you to head up the case.
I'll be around, but I'll be tied up with other stuff.

89
00:07:34,293 --> 00:07:38,917
So, you'll effectively be acting inspector,
without the remuneration of course.

90
00:07:38,918 --> 00:07:41,250
All leave, unfortunately, will be cancelled,

91
00:07:41,251 --> 00:07:44,833
but it'll stand you
in good stead for the promotion

92
00:07:44,834 --> 00:07:48,484
because you'll have
the other contenders under you.

93
00:07:54,918 --> 00:07:59,109
There's really nothing more seductive
to a woman than power.

94
00:07:59,834 --> 00:08:04,208
So, when Bruce gets his promotion,

95
00:08:04,209 --> 00:08:07,401
I won't be able to keep my hands off him.

96
00:08:08,209 --> 00:08:11,708
Detective Inspector Robertson.

97
00:08:11,709 --> 00:08:13,958
Even the sound of it
makes me want him right now.

98
00:08:18,001 --> 00:08:19,750
Are you not worried
if you bugger off to Hamburg

99
00:08:19,751 --> 00:08:21,917
it'll go against you for the promotion then?

100
00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:23,417
- Promotion?
- Aye.

101
00:08:23,418 --> 00:08:25,125
What's the alternative, Ray?

102
00:08:25,126 --> 00:08:29,917
I give up my holidays for some murdered
Jap, kamikaze, sushi-eating, karaoke bastard?

103
00:08:29,918 --> 00:08:31,250
No chance.

104
00:08:31,251 --> 00:08:34,083
Well, you do have
a very understanding wife in Carole, Robbo.

105
00:08:34,084 --> 00:08:36,026
Aye. Aye, that I do.

106
00:08:36,418 --> 00:08:40,818
- I wish I had somebody like that.
- I bet you do, Ray. I bet you do.

107
00:08:41,168 --> 00:08:43,542
Tell you what, we'll have to get you
another threesome organised

108
00:08:43,543 --> 00:08:46,584
with that wee skanky dealer's bird, won't we?
Do you remember that?

109
00:08:47,584 --> 00:08:52,708
<i>BRUCE'. Lennox hates to be reminded
of the time we went tag team on that thing.</i>

110
00:08:52,709 --> 00:08:55,693
Have you even started yet, baby cock?

111
00:08:57,126 --> 00:08:59,333
<i>Everybody has got an Achilles' heel</i>

112
00:08:59,334 --> 00:09:02,609
<i>and I make a point
in remembering my associates' ones.</i>

113
00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:05,818
You were like an animal, Ray.

114
00:09:07,418 --> 00:09:10,292
Oh, here we go.
Here comes the schemie wee bastard now.

115
00:09:10,293 --> 00:09:12,500
Jesus Christ, look at the face
on that wee lassie.

116
00:09:12,501 --> 00:09:14,375
That's a stoat-the-baw situation
if ever I saw one.

117
00:09:14,376 --> 00:09:16,292
That's a curvy little arse, though, mind.

118
00:09:16,293 --> 00:09:18,167
Never you mind the curvy little arse on it, Ray.

119
00:09:18,168 --> 00:09:21,583
- It's a bit fucking young, no?
- Ah, she's borderline, man. Come on.

120
00:09:21,584 --> 00:09:22,750
- Borderline?
- Aye.

121
00:09:22,751 --> 00:09:25,167
Do you like wee lassies, Ray?
Are you into baldy fanny?

122
00:09:25,168 --> 00:09:26,792
Borderline, is it?

123
00:09:26,793 --> 00:09:29,333
<i>40 sheets at SH. Come on. SH'?</i>

124
00:09:29,334 --> 00:09:31,083
Ah, no, maybe you're right.
You're right enough, man.

125
00:09:31,084 --> 00:09:34,443
You have got
absolutely no bottle, Ray.

126
00:09:34,626 --> 00:09:39,068
That is exactly why the Lennoxes of this world
will never oust the Robertsons.

127
00:09:39,584 --> 00:09:43,568
I kid you not, my sweet, sweet friend.
Come on!

128
00:09:48,043 --> 00:09:50,167
- Right then, what's the script?
- The Beast routine.

129
00:09:50,168 --> 00:09:53,042
- It's a bit full-on, Robbo, no?
- You steam right in.

130
00:09:53,043 --> 00:09:56,375
It's the only language these schemies
understand, OK? Come here.

131
00:09:56,376 --> 00:10:00,375
I want you to show this bastard
who the hardest firm in this city really is, OK?

132
00:10:00,376 --> 00:10:03,292
Nobody... Nobody steams in
like the Edinburgh polis.

133
00:10:03,293 --> 00:10:05,292
- Go.
- Right.

134
00:10:05,293 --> 00:10:09,458
Wait two seconds. He'll be firing into her
and we'll catch the stoat in action.

135
00:10:09,459 --> 00:10:11,458
- Another toot for good luck?
- I'm on duty.

136
00:10:11,459 --> 00:10:13,693
Aye.

137
00:10:20,376 --> 00:10:22,651
For God's sake, I'm coming!

138
00:10:24,376 --> 00:10:27,500
- Who the fuck are you two?
- Jehovah's fucking Witnesses.

139
00:10:27,501 --> 00:10:29,292
Keep your fucking mouth shut. You hear me?

140
00:10:29,293 --> 00:10:31,583
You speak when you're
fucking spoken to. You get it?

141
00:10:31,584 --> 00:10:34,250
- I said, do you fucking get it?
- Aye, aye, aye!

142
00:10:34,251 --> 00:10:37,068
- Get the fuck out!
- Oh, a lady.

143
00:10:37,543 --> 00:10:38,708
How old are you then, madam?

144
00:10:38,709 --> 00:10:40,958
My father's a very well respected lawyer,
you know.

145
00:10:40,959 --> 00:10:43,500
What does that make me then?

146
00:10:43,501 --> 00:10:46,083
Very good. How old are we?

147
00:10:46,084 --> 00:10:48,276
- Sixteen.
- ID?

148
00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:52,276
No, you don't.

149
00:10:53,584 --> 00:10:57,443
Please note, female is below
the legal age of consent.

150
00:11:01,751 --> 00:11:03,250
Stephanie Donaldson.

151
00:11:03,251 --> 00:11:07,276
No relation to Conrad Donaldson QC
by any chance, are we?

152
00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:09,750
Bingo.

153
00:11:12,293 --> 00:11:14,693
Imagine what your daddy would say.

154
00:11:14,793 --> 00:11:16,443
Please don't say anything.

155
00:11:18,501 --> 00:11:21,526
What's it worth, Stephanie? A gam?

156
00:11:22,501 --> 00:11:25,292
Can you imagine what his posh pals would say

157
00:11:25,293 --> 00:11:30,000
if they found out that his wee princess
was riding all the low-life scum

158
00:11:30,001 --> 00:11:33,792
he gets paid fortunes for to keep out the nick?

159
00:11:33,793 --> 00:11:35,984
Do you want to do that to him?

160
00:11:48,751 --> 00:11:50,708
Fucking hell! Jesus Christ!

161
00:11:50,709 --> 00:11:53,500
Who taught you that technique?
A fucking cheesegrater?

162
00:11:53,501 --> 00:11:56,875
I've got a good mind to tell your daddy now
anyway after that poor excuse of an attempt.

163
00:11:56,876 --> 00:11:58,837
Please, don't. That's not fucking fair!

164
00:11:59,959 --> 00:12:03,958
<i>♪ Stoat-the-baw,
stoat-the-baw, stoat-the-baw</i>

165
00:12:03,959 --> 00:12:08,458
<i>X Stoat-the-baw, stoat-the-baw,
stoat-the-baw 4'</i>

166
00:12:08,459 --> 00:12:11,208
- She told me she was 18.
- Oh, dearie, dearie me.

167
00:12:11,209 --> 00:12:13,833
It's not the best time to be inside
for riding kids, is it?

168
00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:15,958
I make you right.
Still, he's only gonna do six months.

169
00:12:15,959 --> 00:12:18,500
- Ah, posh fanny, though.
- Fair enough. Two years then.

170
00:12:18,501 --> 00:12:21,500
Problem is, if some law-abiding officers
were to tell a strict

171
00:12:21,501 --> 00:12:23,625
- Freemason screw like Ronnie McArthur...
- Ronnie McArthur.

172
00:12:23,626 --> 00:12:27,542
-...that the girl in question was 11 or 10...
- Or even eight.

173
00:12:27,543 --> 00:12:29,750
- Hey, come on, now, boys, eh?
- Aye, eight would do it.

174
00:12:29,751 --> 00:12:31,958
Then the poor cunt's life
wouldn't be worth living, would it?

175
00:12:31,959 --> 00:12:34,958
- Straight to the Beast's wing in Saughton nick.
- Aye, but hang on a minute.

176
00:12:34,959 --> 00:12:37,208
Suppose this stoat-the-baw
had certain information

177
00:12:37,209 --> 00:12:38,750
that could help the law-abiding officers.

178
00:12:38,751 --> 00:12:41,609
- With a murder enquiry.
- Ah, fuck sake.

179
00:12:42,751 --> 00:12:44,859
Nah, I'm not a grasser.

180
00:12:45,209 --> 00:12:49,333
Right, see, Ocky, there's this one guy
in the Beast's wing that they call The Beast.

181
00:12:49,334 --> 00:12:53,167
- The Beast?
- No, no, no, no, not the Beast.

182
00:12:53,168 --> 00:12:55,417
- The...
-... Beast.

183
00:12:55,418 --> 00:12:57,625
Shouldn't really be inside a normal prison,
to be fair.

184
00:12:57,626 --> 00:13:00,167
No, but the last time
he escaped from a mental institution

185
00:13:00,168 --> 00:13:02,750
the local livestock bore
the brunt of his frustrations.

186
00:13:02,751 --> 00:13:07,208
- Fucked a Highland cow to death, so they say.
- Tore the horns clean off the poor bastard.

187
00:13:07,209 --> 00:13:09,833
Ronnie says the only way
they can keep The Beast quiet

188
00:13:09,834 --> 00:13:12,042
is by putting a new model
in his cell every few weeks.

189
00:13:12,043 --> 00:13:13,208
- A model?
- Aye.

190
00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:16,333
That's what Ronnie and all the boys call
the fresh-faced laddies they send him.

191
00:13:16,334 --> 00:13:18,542
- Supposed to be a big fucker as well.
- Fuck off.

192
00:13:18,543 --> 00:13:20,958
You get your fucking hands off him
and you stand up straight.

193
00:13:20,959 --> 00:13:24,542
6'4", full of muscle and deaf as a post.

194
00:13:24,543 --> 00:13:26,083
What's deaf got to do with it?

195
00:13:26,084 --> 00:13:28,833
Cos he can't hear you
when you're screaming "no".

196
00:13:28,834 --> 00:13:31,958
- Hung like a Derby winner, so Ronnie says.
- Aye.

197
00:13:31,959 --> 00:13:34,625
Splits them all first time without fail.

198
00:13:34,626 --> 00:13:37,333
One thing's certain, you'd come out of
there with five new arseholes, pal.

199
00:13:37,334 --> 00:13:40,542
That's if you ever do come out
after an experience like that.

200
00:13:40,543 --> 00:13:42,167
So what's it gonna be, Ocky?

201
00:13:42,168 --> 00:13:45,234
- Grass up?
- Or lock up?

202
00:13:48,334 --> 00:13:50,234
There you go, pal.

203
00:13:51,626 --> 00:13:53,250
You stop smoking, OK?

204
00:13:53,251 --> 00:13:56,359
- Yes!
- That's it.

205
00:13:57,709 --> 00:13:59,417
- That's it.
- Oh, yes!

206
00:13:59,418 --> 00:14:02,234
That's it. Turn off my gas, Carole. Go.

207
00:14:02,543 --> 00:14:05,125
Go. Go! Go!

208
00:14:05,126 --> 00:14:08,026
Oh, yes!

209
00:14:24,626 --> 00:14:27,546
Did you really mean what you said
about falling in love with me?

210
00:14:28,126 --> 00:14:31,167
You're a fucking cow, do you know that?

211
00:14:31,168 --> 00:14:36,917
We have been turning off the gas for
each other and you are a work mate's missus.

212
00:14:36,918 --> 00:14:39,292
So, do you know what that makes you
in my book?

213
00:14:39,293 --> 00:14:41,833
Do ya? It makes you a fucking cow.

214
00:14:41,834 --> 00:14:44,542
- Why are you being like this?
- Because... Because, darlin',

215
00:14:44,543 --> 00:14:48,234
you let me in here and you let me in there.

216
00:14:48,709 --> 00:14:52,526
You don't let me in here.
And that's what love is.

217
00:14:53,668 --> 00:14:56,750
What was all that? What was all that?
What was all that fucking good stuff, eh?

218
00:14:56,751 --> 00:14:58,958
That was all just games, weren't it?
Sad, silly wee games.

219
00:14:58,959 --> 00:15:03,250
A test if you will. A test which you
have sadly and miserably failed.

220
00:15:03,251 --> 00:15:07,167
Why are you saying all this?
And why did you call me by your wife's name?

221
00:15:07,168 --> 00:15:08,750
You said you loved me, not Carole.

222
00:15:08,751 --> 00:15:11,750
I need you to take a good, long, hard think
about what feelings actually are, OK?

223
00:15:11,751 --> 00:15:14,750
Because, if you want me to fix your head,
easy-peasy Japanesey,

224
00:15:14,751 --> 00:15:17,625
but only you...only you can get in touch
with your heart.

225
00:15:17,626 --> 00:15:19,083
- But, Bruce...
- If you want a fucking,

226
00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:22,042
if you want a shagging
and a riding, I'm your man.

227
00:15:22,043 --> 00:15:25,917
However, I've got to inform you,
I find all this just a little bit sordid.

228
00:15:25,918 --> 00:15:28,625
And I can only imagine
how much this would hurt poor old Dougie

229
00:15:28,626 --> 00:15:31,750
if he found out.
In his own fucking bed, Christ!

230
00:15:31,751 --> 00:15:33,708
Bruce, please stay. We need to talk.

231
00:15:33,709 --> 00:15:36,250
No! I am on a murder case here.

232
00:15:36,251 --> 00:15:38,708
That's M-U-R-D-E-R,

233
00:15:38,709 --> 00:15:41,542
which spells S-E-R-I-O-U-S.

234
00:15:41,543 --> 00:15:47,750
So, if I don't get my A-R-S-E in G-E-A-R,
I am in serious S-H-I-T, OK?

235
00:15:47,751 --> 00:15:49,776
You're being so cruel.

236
00:15:51,043 --> 00:15:54,359
Love is cruel, Chrissie.

237
00:15:55,584 --> 00:15:56,984
Love is cruel.

238
00:15:58,209 --> 00:16:00,333
I think she's fucking somebody else
as well, Robbo.

239
00:16:00,334 --> 00:16:01,583
No, no, no, no.

240
00:16:01,584 --> 00:16:06,625
It's killing me because I can't even prove it.
Some detective me, eh?

241
00:16:06,626 --> 00:16:07,833
Listen, listen, listen.

242
00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:10,250
Your Chrissie is about as loyal as they come.

243
00:16:10,251 --> 00:16:12,917
- Ah, fuck off.
- Come on, now. Come on.

244
00:16:12,918 --> 00:16:14,667
And cheer the fuck up.

245
00:16:14,668 --> 00:16:17,167
You know you're the favourite
for the Chief Inspector position?

246
00:16:17,168 --> 00:16:19,068
You reckon?

247
00:16:22,543 --> 00:16:25,359
Hey, you're lucky. Carole's great.

248
00:16:25,584 --> 00:16:28,458
She's a real beauty as well.

249
00:16:28,459 --> 00:16:31,818
Aye. I'd say you're right on that.

250
00:16:32,376 --> 00:16:36,234
- You two still as happy as ever?
- Couldn't be happier.

251
00:16:37,751 --> 00:16:40,734
- How old's...
- Seven. Stacey's seven.

252
00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:42,625
Stacey, aye.

253
00:16:42,626 --> 00:16:44,708
- Here are the lads.
- Gus.

254
00:16:44,709 --> 00:16:47,250
Thank Christ.
Come on, sheriff's in town. Give us two.

255
00:16:47,251 --> 00:16:50,734
Just the stuff, huh. That'll do nicely.

256
00:16:51,959 --> 00:16:56,833
- And how's that wife of yours keeping then?
- Every day is Valentine's Day.

257
00:16:56,834 --> 00:16:59,542
- And you'd be Cupid, aye?
- I'm the very boy, Robbo.

258
00:16:59,543 --> 00:17:02,734
- Some man, some man.
- I'm the very boy.

259
00:17:06,668 --> 00:17:08,583
Well, I'd better be going home then, boys.

260
00:17:08,584 --> 00:17:11,443
Right enough. Take care of yourself then, pal.

261
00:17:17,959 --> 00:17:19,208
What's up with him?

262
00:17:19,209 --> 00:17:21,458
Never got a good word
to say about anybody, that guy.

263
00:17:21,459 --> 00:17:23,734
Who, Dougie Gillman?

264
00:17:23,918 --> 00:17:27,250
Stab you in the back
without even thinking about it.

265
00:17:27,251 --> 00:17:29,542
Catholic, you see.

266
00:17:29,543 --> 00:17:35,193
Saying that, look at young Ray Lennox there.
He's as Protestant as you and I, and yet...

267
00:17:35,459 --> 00:17:37,750
Better no' say anything, actually. He's... Nah.

268
00:17:37,751 --> 00:17:39,833
- Oh, no, go on, Robbo.
- No, he's a good boy, he's a good boy.

269
00:17:39,834 --> 00:17:42,042
Oh, go on. Go on.

270
00:17:42,043 --> 00:17:43,734
Do you see him in here?

271
00:17:46,043 --> 00:17:49,609
I don't even have to look around
and I know that the answer is no.

272
00:17:50,418 --> 00:17:52,542
It's 3/1, he's in that deviant wine bar

273
00:17:52,543 --> 00:17:55,833
with the lesbian Amanda Drummond,
cooking up all sorts of shenanigans.

274
00:17:55,834 --> 00:17:57,958
Oh, you're an awful man, Robbo.

275
00:17:57,959 --> 00:18:01,359
What do you think the main topic
of conversation between them is gonna be?

276
00:18:02,209 --> 00:18:03,609
You.

277
00:18:04,084 --> 00:18:06,151
Maybe me.

278
00:18:06,459 --> 00:18:09,542
Promotion. That's what, my friend.

279
00:18:09,543 --> 00:18:12,708
You think young Lennox is running with
the hounds and hunting with the hares?

280
00:18:12,709 --> 00:18:14,250
You said it, Gus.

281
00:18:14,251 --> 00:18:17,083
I better keep a beady eye on that wee bastard.

282
00:18:17,084 --> 00:18:19,667
Don't want him spoiling
the old promotion chances.

283
00:18:19,668 --> 00:18:21,042
Christ, no.

284
00:18:54,751 --> 00:18:58,568
- Come on, come on, come on the Hearts.
- Are you a big fan then, mate?

285
00:18:59,043 --> 00:19:00,625
- I am indeed, pal.
- So am I.

286
00:19:00,626 --> 00:19:02,917
Let me guess, here comes the bit
about you being one as well.

287
00:19:02,918 --> 00:19:06,917
Ever since your granddaddy took you
as a wee laddie. Blah, blah, pish and shite.

288
00:19:09,251 --> 00:19:13,318
- Job Centre's that way, Santa sweetheart.
- Merry Christmas anyway, pal.

289
00:19:13,668 --> 00:19:16,234
I heard it's gonna be a cold one, mind you.

290
00:19:20,668 --> 00:19:22,625
Have a nice day.

291
00:19:22,626 --> 00:19:26,333
Oh, 2-1. You fucking beauty! Come on.

292
00:19:26,334 --> 00:19:29,151
- Colin! Colin, come on!
- Oh, for fuck's sake!

293
00:19:30,043 --> 00:19:32,958
- Please help. Somebody, please.
- Out my way, out my way. I'm police.

294
00:19:32,959 --> 00:19:34,958
Hey, what's happening?
Has anybody called an ambulance yet?

295
00:19:34,959 --> 00:19:36,750
- Colin, look at me.
- Has he stopped breathing?

296
00:19:36,751 --> 00:19:39,917
Do something, please. Do something.

297
00:19:39,918 --> 00:19:41,833
Come on, Colin.

298
00:19:41,834 --> 00:19:43,667
- Colin. Colin.

299
00:19:43,668 --> 00:19:45,250
Look at me. Come on.

300
00:19:45,251 --> 00:19:47,250
Colin! Colin, come on!

301
00:19:47,251 --> 00:19:48,859
Come on!

302
00:19:49,251 --> 00:19:50,901
Oh, God.

303
00:19:52,668 --> 00:19:54,568
Oh, God.

304
00:19:55,168 --> 00:19:56,333
Oh, God.

305
00:19:56,334 --> 00:20:00,042
What's happened
to that fucking ambulance then, eh?

306
00:20:00,043 --> 00:20:02,609
- Oh, God!
- Somebody phone an ambulance!

307
00:20:11,751 --> 00:20:14,292
How have you been since
our last consultation, Bruce?

308
00:20:14,293 --> 00:20:16,234
No problems, I presume, eh?

309
00:20:18,043 --> 00:20:19,833
None.

310
00:20:19,834 --> 00:20:23,234
I trust you're still taking
your medication regularly, yes?

311
00:20:23,709 --> 00:20:25,750
Oh, aye.

312
00:20:25,751 --> 00:20:30,359
Well, this should see you through
to your next appointment, yes?

313
00:20:31,209 --> 00:20:33,818
I'll see you in the new year.

314
00:20:34,043 --> 00:20:35,542
Right?

315
00:20:35,543 --> 00:20:39,318
- Merry Christmas to you, Bruce.
- Thank you, Dr Rossi. Thank you.

316
00:20:41,918 --> 00:20:46,276
And Merry Christmas to you, too, eh?

317
00:20:46,293 --> 00:20:48,708
Well, thank you for that, Bruce.

318
00:20:56,751 --> 00:20:58,443
Oh, <i>yes...</i>

319
00:21:10,834 --> 00:21:12,625
Fuck off!

320
00:21:12,626 --> 00:21:17,833
<i>4' It's Frank's Fantastic Shed Show 4'</i>

321
00:21:19,043 --> 00:21:20,458
Hello.

322
00:21:20,459 --> 00:21:25,109
<i>Welcome to the Fantastic Shed Show.</i>

323
00:21:26,209 --> 00:21:30,042
<i>My mum's in. If she hears that I'm doing
a TV show out in the garden, she'll go mad.</i>

324
00:21:30,043 --> 00:21:33,333
Cunty Bunty, Cunty Bunty,
how does your big minge grow?

325
00:21:36,459 --> 00:21:38,859
- Hello?
- Hello, Bunty.

326
00:21:39,251 --> 00:21:41,250
<i>- It's Frank Sidebottom here.</i>

327
00:21:41,251 --> 00:21:43,833
I've had just about enough of you.

328
00:21:43,834 --> 00:21:48,958
He told us, right, that you have got
a big hairy fanny, though, Bunty.

329
00:21:48,959 --> 00:21:51,125
- You're pathetic!
<i>- That</i> you...

330
00:21:51,126 --> 00:21:53,667
like to take it up the bum, Bunty.

331
00:21:53,668 --> 00:21:55,542
- Who told you that nonsense?
- Eh...

332
00:21:55,543 --> 00:21:57,417
<i>- Are you ready, Little Frank?
- Little</i> Frank.

333
00:21:57,418 --> 00:21:59,833
- Who's Little Frank?
- I'm not talking any more, Bunty, I've got...

334
00:21:59,834 --> 00:22:01,833
<i>- Is that you, Mum?
- Oh, it's</i> my mum.

335
00:22:01,834 --> 00:22:07,026
No, I'm not talking to dirty prostitutes
again, Mum. You can't have the phone...

336
00:22:11,751 --> 00:22:13,333
Thank you, brothers.

337
00:22:13,334 --> 00:22:18,833
That concludes the formal part
of this evening's proceedings and our meeting.

338
00:22:18,834 --> 00:22:22,443
Let us now retire for a moment of harmony.

339
00:22:31,293 --> 00:22:34,542
- What made you join the force, Bruce?
- Police oppression, brother.

340
00:22:34,543 --> 00:22:37,625
I'd witnessed far too many cases of it
in the mining community I grew up in.

341
00:22:37,626 --> 00:22:39,417
And you wanted to stamp it out
from the inside?

342
00:22:39,418 --> 00:22:43,026
- No, I wanted to be a part of it.
- You're a terror, Bruce.

343
00:22:43,126 --> 00:22:47,042
<i>Clifford Blades, a chartered
accountant and therefore a sad wanker.</i>

344
00:22:47,043 --> 00:22:50,167
<i>Bladesey's not only the newest and most
gullible member of this Lodge,</i>

345
00:22:50,168 --> 00:22:51,833
<i>he's also the wealthiest.</i>

346
00:22:51,834 --> 00:22:55,250
<i>Ideal target practice for the games.
Same rules apply.</i>

347
00:22:55,251 --> 00:22:58,542
And that's why the Craft's been
so good for me, Bruce. Everyone's accepted.

348
00:22:58,543 --> 00:23:01,303
Enough of that shite.
Are you getting any at home, Bladesey?

349
00:23:01,709 --> 00:23:04,208
Well, that side of things hasn't improved.

350
00:23:04,209 --> 00:23:06,333
This crank caller
just won't stop phoning Bunty.

351
00:23:06,334 --> 00:23:08,208
It's affecting her, you know...

352
00:23:08,209 --> 00:23:10,250
Thing about women,
you have to shag them regularly.

353
00:23:10,251 --> 00:23:14,250
You keep them fucked, man,
they will do absolutely anything for you.

354
00:23:14,251 --> 00:23:16,667
Actually, two things.
Well shod, well shagged.

355
00:23:16,668 --> 00:23:19,542
- And that's what you do with your wife, Bruce?
- Course it fucking is.

356
00:23:19,543 --> 00:23:23,708
See, these marriage counselling fucking
spastics, they will tell you a load of shite.

357
00:23:23,709 --> 00:23:27,917
The root of any marital problem
is always, always sexual.

358
00:23:27,918 --> 00:23:30,958
If you're no' fucking the woman you're with,
it opens this...

359
00:23:30,959 --> 00:23:33,042
- Vacuum.
-...vacuum, which sure as fuck

360
00:23:33,043 --> 00:23:34,833
some other cunt is gonna come and fill,

361
00:23:34,834 --> 00:23:38,958
and fill with several inches
of prime Scottish beef, Brother Blades.

362
00:23:38,959 --> 00:23:41,319
And, you see,
if she's no' doing the same for you,

363
00:23:41,334 --> 00:23:45,318
you go and get it somewhere else,
just like that.

364
00:23:46,084 --> 00:23:48,333
I must say, I'm looking forward
to our little trip to Hamburg.

365
00:23:48,334 --> 00:23:49,750
- Me too, pal.
- Some nice museums.

366
00:23:49,751 --> 00:23:51,443
Prostitutes.

367
00:23:52,043 --> 00:23:54,151
Of all colours, shapes and sizes.

368
00:23:55,043 --> 00:23:57,859
- <i>Sláinte.</i>
- <i>Sláinte.</i>

369
00:23:59,709 --> 00:24:03,734
- Excuse me, Bruce. I have to spend a penny.
- Go for your life, pal. Don't fall in.

370
00:24:24,543 --> 00:24:28,151
- Will it be the usual, Brother Robertson?
- Oh, yes, please, Hector.

371
00:24:32,334 --> 00:24:36,443
- I'll see you at my place on the weekend then.
- Okey-dokey.

372
00:24:36,626 --> 00:24:38,859
Fucking pervert.

373
00:24:39,751 --> 00:24:42,542
Ah, on your own tonight then,
Brother Robertson?

374
00:24:42,543 --> 00:24:44,625
No, thankfully not, Brother Toal.

375
00:24:44,626 --> 00:24:47,750
I just popped in to see Clifford Blades.
You've just missed him.

376
00:24:47,751 --> 00:24:51,458
Well, aren't you and Brother Blades
becoming quite the bosom buddies?

377
00:24:51,459 --> 00:24:54,417
- Oh, birds of a feather and all that.
- Talking of Brother Blades,

378
00:24:54,418 --> 00:24:58,708
have those useless clowns from uniform
found this pervert who keeps phoning his wife?

379
00:24:58,709 --> 00:25:01,333
- Regrettably not, sir, no.
- Spastics!

380
00:25:01,334 --> 00:25:02,625
Aye.

381
00:25:02,626 --> 00:25:04,375
Look, would you mind overseeing it, Bruce?

382
00:25:04,376 --> 00:25:06,833
I wouldn't normally ask
with something so trivial,

383
00:25:06,834 --> 00:25:09,542
but we just can't afford
to be seen to be not taking care

384
00:25:09,543 --> 00:25:14,526
of such a potentially important benefactor
to the lodge as Clifford Blades.

385
00:25:15,709 --> 00:25:18,458
And what's good for the lodge
is good for the polis, eh?

386
00:25:18,459 --> 00:25:22,542
And another little brownie point for
the promotion, Brother Robertson.

387
00:25:22,543 --> 00:25:24,651
Hush-hush, Toal. Hush-hush.

388
00:25:24,959 --> 00:25:29,943
Just you leave Mr and Mrs Blades
in my safe hands, OK, Brother Toal?

389
00:25:35,834 --> 00:25:39,526
How can you just misplace £200?

390
00:25:40,459 --> 00:25:43,458
If I find out there's
another woman involved, Clifford...

391
00:25:53,834 --> 00:25:57,776
This is Bruce, the detective friend
I was telling you about, dear.

392
00:25:59,043 --> 00:26:01,708
Well, Well, Clifford!

393
00:26:01,709 --> 00:26:05,625
You never told me you were hiding
such a beautiful specimen.

394
00:26:05,626 --> 00:26:07,250
You are punching above your weight, champ.

395
00:26:07,251 --> 00:26:12,026
You're the one who's taking Clifford on this
Masons' weekend to Scarborough, right?

396
00:26:12,126 --> 00:26:14,026
Sc...

397
00:26:16,543 --> 00:26:19,859
Aye, I am taking him to Scarborough.

398
00:26:20,959 --> 00:26:22,859
It's a pleasure to meet you, Bunty.

399
00:26:25,126 --> 00:26:27,333
Please, to business.

400
00:26:29,459 --> 00:26:33,208
I understand how unsettling
these prank calls must be to you,

401
00:26:33,209 --> 00:26:34,750
but I would ask you to be brave.

402
00:26:34,751 --> 00:26:36,333
I've dealt with this kind of scum in the past

403
00:26:36,334 --> 00:26:38,708
and I can tell you,
they're all mouth and no trousers.

404
00:26:38,709 --> 00:26:44,333
However, slamming the phone down on him
is only going to encourage him, OK?

405
00:26:44,334 --> 00:26:48,042
And if I know this guy like I think
I know this guy, he's gonna like that.

406
00:26:48,043 --> 00:26:51,318
So I need you to indulge him a little bit.

407
00:26:51,334 --> 00:26:53,151
He'll soon come unstuck.

408
00:26:53,334 --> 00:26:56,208
But your uniformed colleague
said not to encourage him.

409
00:26:56,209 --> 00:27:00,250
Oh, aye. No, we tell the younger,
less experienced officers that, aye.

410
00:27:00,251 --> 00:27:02,042
And it usually makes the depravate stop.

411
00:27:02,043 --> 00:27:04,500
However, if you're wanting the man caught...

412
00:27:04,501 --> 00:27:08,318
I want him caught all right.
I want that bastard to suffer!

413
00:27:09,043 --> 00:27:10,943
Excellent.

414
00:27:12,251 --> 00:27:14,917
Well, in that case, I suggest you play along.

415
00:27:14,918 --> 00:27:19,359
Tell him something about yourself.
What you like.

416
00:27:20,834 --> 00:27:25,568
Up the stakes. Let hunter become hunted.

417
00:27:26,834 --> 00:27:29,833
We'll nail this slimy bastard for you, Clifford,
no danger.

418
00:27:29,834 --> 00:27:32,417
Bunty, we're gonna get him.
I can promise you that.

419
00:27:32,418 --> 00:27:34,708
Now, I want you to look after
that brave, brave woman.

420
00:27:34,709 --> 00:27:36,250
Oh, I will, Bruce, I will.

421
00:27:36,251 --> 00:27:40,625
- I can't tell you how grateful I am, Bruce.
- Oh, you just thank your hubby here.

422
00:27:40,626 --> 00:27:43,026
Low friends in high places, eh, Bladesey boy?

423
00:28:03,459 --> 00:28:05,651
A quick word, sir?

424
00:28:11,543 --> 00:28:14,401
Bruce. How goes the case?

425
00:28:15,043 --> 00:28:17,792
- Aye, fairly cut and dried actually, Bob.
- Aye.

426
00:28:17,793 --> 00:28:23,542
A well-known, nasty little mob have been
fingered by a willing informant, so it's...

427
00:28:23,543 --> 00:28:24,708
New poster.

428
00:28:24,709 --> 00:28:27,542
...just a case of gathering
the necessary evidence.

429
00:28:27,543 --> 00:28:29,750
- Me and Gus are on surveillance.
- Good.

430
00:28:29,751 --> 00:28:34,708
The political thing has died a death now
and the papers have got bored with it.

431
00:28:34,709 --> 00:28:38,151
A wog's a wog for all that,
eh, Brother Robertson?

432
00:28:38,959 --> 00:28:43,318
- You said it, Brother Toal.
- Your words, not mine.

433
00:28:44,251 --> 00:28:47,458
Right, about my cycling trip to Germany, sir.

434
00:28:47,459 --> 00:28:51,167
Oh, I can't say I'm pulling handkerchiefs
out of my arse at the prospect

435
00:28:51,168 --> 00:28:54,042
but I suppose a few days
won't put us too far behind.

436
00:28:54,043 --> 00:28:57,208
What does Carole have to say
about you going away so close to Christmas?

437
00:28:57,209 --> 00:29:00,208
Oh, her and Stacey are just looking forward
to their big presents.

438
00:29:00,209 --> 00:29:03,208
I always bring them back something nice,
so there's never any problem.

439
00:29:03,209 --> 00:29:07,208
- You're the boss at home, then, Robbo?
- Man of the fucking house and all that.

440
00:29:12,334 --> 00:29:13,943
Quite. OK...

441
00:29:15,251 --> 00:29:20,443
Just make sure you brief Amanda Drummond
before you go.

442
00:29:24,834 --> 00:29:28,208
Do you really think she's got the balls
to take over the reins in my absence?

443
00:29:28,209 --> 00:29:30,875
Think I'd rather hand temporary control
over to Gus Bain if you don't mind.

444
00:29:30,876 --> 00:29:35,276
It's only for a short while
and she needs the experience anyway.

445
00:29:35,959 --> 00:29:38,526
- Mmm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.

446
00:29:40,959 --> 00:29:44,833
How the fuck did she ever get out of uniform?
By shagging Toal, that's how.

447
00:29:44,834 --> 00:29:46,750
No!

448
00:29:46,751 --> 00:29:49,167
See, every time
a woman drops her trousers, promotion.

449
00:29:49,168 --> 00:29:51,833
Every time a man drops theirs,
disciplinary action.

450
00:29:51,834 --> 00:29:54,568
Where's the equality in that?

451
00:29:55,418 --> 00:29:58,443
Bingo! There's the fucker we're after.

452
00:29:59,209 --> 00:30:02,958
No, no, just you wait there, Gus, OK?
No point going in mob-handed.

453
00:30:02,959 --> 00:30:04,443
OK.

454
00:30:11,251 --> 00:30:13,484
Wanna buy some flowers.

455
00:30:23,459 --> 00:30:25,651
Can I help you, sir?

456
00:30:26,376 --> 00:30:28,375
How's business?

457
00:30:28,376 --> 00:30:29,917
All right, I suppose.

458
00:30:29,918 --> 00:30:31,667
Really? I just seen a man
leave empty-handed.

459
00:30:31,668 --> 00:30:34,083
- No' have anything in his line, no?
- No.

460
00:30:34,084 --> 00:30:36,375
- Who was he?
- Just some guy after roses.

461
00:30:36,376 --> 00:30:38,901
- I guess he changed his mind.
- Mmm-hmm.

462
00:30:40,293 --> 00:30:43,776
- Do I know you from somewhere?
- No.

463
00:30:44,584 --> 00:30:47,375
No, you don't. No, you fucking don't.

464
00:30:47,376 --> 00:30:49,333
- What have I done wrong?
- Wasting police time,

465
00:30:49,334 --> 00:30:52,292
withholding information
and possibly harbouring a murder suspect.

466
00:30:52,293 --> 00:30:54,458
- That's shite.
- You will fucking cough up

467
00:30:54,459 --> 00:30:58,250
or I swear to God you will be stuffing
cuddly toys in Corton Vale Prison

468
00:30:58,251 --> 00:31:01,083
faster than you can tie
a bunch of fucking daffodils.

469
00:31:01,084 --> 00:31:02,833
Or maybe...

470
00:31:02,834 --> 00:31:07,375
maybe you would rather get your tulips
around my bulbs.

471
00:31:08,876 --> 00:31:11,083
Would you like that?

472
00:31:11,084 --> 00:31:13,167
I think you would.

473
00:31:13,168 --> 00:31:16,083
Look, he's just a guy I know from the clubs.

474
00:31:16,084 --> 00:31:18,792
He comes in to talk about music and that is all.

475
00:31:18,793 --> 00:31:22,500
So, are you and your wee boyfriend just
a two-man musical appreciation society then?

476
00:31:22,501 --> 00:31:25,821
- Is that what you're fucking telling me?
- He's not my boyfriend, honest.

477
00:31:29,876 --> 00:31:31,776
I hope not.

478
00:31:32,459 --> 00:31:35,693
For his sake, you fat bastard.

479
00:31:39,251 --> 00:31:41,151
- Watch where you're...
- Sorry.

480
00:31:42,293 --> 00:31:44,193
Hello. Eh...

481
00:31:44,876 --> 00:31:46,609
How are you?

482
00:31:47,209 --> 00:31:50,609
Yeah, I'm just going to pick the flowers up.

483
00:31:51,376 --> 00:31:54,208
- Oh, what, is the funeral today, aye?
- Yeah.

484
00:31:54,209 --> 00:31:58,276
Right. Was that your wreath?
The one that says "Dad"?

485
00:31:58,793 --> 00:32:01,401
- Yeah.
- Um...

486
00:32:03,501 --> 00:32:06,167
How many kids have you got?

487
00:32:06,168 --> 00:32:09,109
Just one, a wee boy.

488
00:32:12,793 --> 00:32:15,068
You ever lost anyone close?

489
00:32:15,501 --> 00:32:17,776
Mmm-hmm.

490
00:32:19,084 --> 00:32:21,776
Hurts like hell, eh?

491
00:32:22,376 --> 00:32:24,401
Mmm-hmm.

492
00:32:27,293 --> 00:32:29,792
Um...

493
00:32:29,793 --> 00:32:33,484
Listen, I've got to go.
I'm really sorry, I've got to go.

494
00:32:52,543 --> 00:32:54,818
Davie?

495
00:32:59,376 --> 00:33:01,276
Davie?

496
00:33:05,376 --> 00:33:07,276
Fuck!

497
00:33:41,501 --> 00:33:45,958
Ah, Bruce, I hear you have a pain, yes?

498
00:33:45,959 --> 00:33:47,750
Oh, a pain indeed, Doctor.

499
00:33:47,751 --> 00:33:51,292
And would this pain be
one of your physical pains, yes?

500
00:33:51,293 --> 00:33:53,292
No, Doctor, my other kind.

501
00:33:53,293 --> 00:33:57,375
Well, the final destination
of the pain recovery train

502
00:33:57,376 --> 00:34:00,292
is self-help via abstinence, Bruce, eh?

503
00:34:00,293 --> 00:34:04,083
I've already booked my seat in advance.
Super-saver all the same.

504
00:34:04,084 --> 00:34:07,375
No more cocaine and chip suppers
for Bruce, eh?

505
00:34:07,376 --> 00:34:10,208
Oh, those items were previously favourites
of the Detective Sergeant,

506
00:34:10,209 --> 00:34:11,500
of course they were.

507
00:34:11,501 --> 00:34:14,958
And what of this promotion, eh?

508
00:34:14,959 --> 00:34:17,292
A mere formality, I'm sure.

509
00:34:17,293 --> 00:34:21,167
Only champions can rewrite history, yes?

510
00:34:21,168 --> 00:34:24,875
Yes, I've always believed that it's the winning
that's important, not the taking part.

511
00:34:24,876 --> 00:34:29,500
Only winners are more attractive
to the opposite sex, Bruce, eh?

512
00:34:29,501 --> 00:34:34,208
Like our successful friend here, the tapeworm.

513
00:34:34,209 --> 00:34:36,792
- Yes?

514
00:34:36,793 --> 00:34:38,609
Who do we trust, Bruce?

515
00:34:39,168 --> 00:34:40,984
Why, no one, of course.

516
00:34:41,209 --> 00:34:46,083
Not your friends, not your family,
not even yourself, Bruce.

517
00:34:46,084 --> 00:34:49,875
Especially not yourself, eh?

518
00:34:49,876 --> 00:34:52,375
Now, about that pain...

519
00:34:52,376 --> 00:34:55,083
Yes!

520
00:34:55,084 --> 00:34:56,958
Come on, big man, you stiffen up.

521
00:34:56,959 --> 00:35:01,193
Come on, big man, you fucking stiffen.
Come on, big man, you fucking stiffen...

522
00:35:02,251 --> 00:35:04,276
Fucking, fucking!

523
00:35:05,293 --> 00:35:08,193
Ugly little fucking slag.

524
00:35:13,293 --> 00:35:17,401
Dirty poofy bastard.

525
00:35:33,168 --> 00:35:37,000
Peter. Peter, have you seen the graffiti
in the men's toilets?

526
00:35:37,001 --> 00:35:38,292
What? No.

527
00:35:38,293 --> 00:35:42,167
Some nasty little bastard
has written something which,

528
00:35:42,168 --> 00:35:44,984
well, let's just say,
questions your sexuality.

529
00:35:47,876 --> 00:35:51,875
Well, there's always something or other.
I don't let it bother me any more, Bruce.

530
00:35:51,876 --> 00:35:54,000
It's silly.

531
00:35:54,001 --> 00:35:56,667
Oh, come on, man.
You elected me your union representative

532
00:35:56,668 --> 00:35:58,375
so I have to let it bother me

533
00:35:58,376 --> 00:36:01,833
and I can't have your character defamed
in this outrageous manner any longer.

534
00:36:01,834 --> 00:36:03,000
I'm going straight to Toal.

535
00:36:03,001 --> 00:36:05,750
No, no, you're all right, Bruce.
I'll just go and clean it off.

536
00:36:05,751 --> 00:36:09,292
Somebody is playing silly billies here.

537
00:36:09,293 --> 00:36:11,667
- Such a load of bloody nonsense.
- And I just hope...

538
00:36:11,668 --> 00:36:13,792
I just hope

539
00:36:13,793 --> 00:36:16,875
I don't find out who.

540
00:36:16,876 --> 00:36:20,292
Gaffer? Gaffer, I want you to come
and see some more of this disgusting graffiti

541
00:36:20,293 --> 00:36:22,375
that's been written about poor Peter Inglis.

542
00:36:22,376 --> 00:36:23,583
I don't have time for every...

543
00:36:23,584 --> 00:36:27,375
As fed rep I don't have time
to see a fellow officer humiliated.

544
00:36:27,376 --> 00:36:30,500
Of course. Listen, Robbo...

545
00:36:30,501 --> 00:36:32,984
- Peter isn't...
- What, sir?

546
00:36:34,084 --> 00:36:36,167
You're gonna have to be careful
what you say here, sir.

547
00:36:36,168 --> 00:36:40,068
He isn't like the graffiti says...

548
00:36:42,168 --> 00:36:43,292
Is he?

549
00:36:43,293 --> 00:36:45,292
Whether he is or isn't
is entirely his own business,

550
00:36:45,293 --> 00:36:48,792
but he's being harassed
and we operate a non-discriminatory policy

551
00:36:48,793 --> 00:36:50,693
on the grounds of sexual orientation.

552
00:36:50,751 --> 00:36:54,458
But he can't be sexually harassed
if he's not really, well...

553
00:36:54,459 --> 00:36:56,667
What, sir?

554
00:36:56,668 --> 00:37:00,958
...gay, I think the fashionable term
for it is these days.

555
00:37:00,959 --> 00:37:03,375
What he gets up to privately
is his own business.

556
00:37:03,376 --> 00:37:07,875
To be honest with you, I don't even know
that much about the chap, but... Oh.

557
00:37:07,876 --> 00:37:11,292
This bullying... This bullying has to stop.

558
00:37:16,209 --> 00:37:18,667
Did you do her up the arse?

559
00:37:18,668 --> 00:37:22,484
Where else is there? Pussy's for faggots.

560
00:37:24,501 --> 00:37:29,359
Right, come on, let's go and see what Gorman
and his wee boyfriend are made of.

561
00:37:34,293 --> 00:37:37,292
Everything you need to know about those guys
are in the jars, darling.

562
00:37:40,293 --> 00:37:44,943
- DN-fucking-A, man. Really?
- Jesus Christ.

563
00:37:45,251 --> 00:37:47,651
Maisie, gratitude.

564
00:37:54,793 --> 00:37:57,375
See, this is the wonderful thing
about being polis, Ray.

565
00:37:57,376 --> 00:37:59,417
Doesnae really matter
if everybody hates your guts

566
00:37:59,418 --> 00:38:02,292
as long as they're civil to your fucking face.

567
00:38:02,293 --> 00:38:03,583
Is that no' right, Maisie?

568
00:38:03,584 --> 00:38:07,401
Same rules apply, darling.
Same rules apply.

569
00:38:07,793 --> 00:38:12,458
See, Maisie here would teach you things
your mother wouldn't.

570
00:38:12,459 --> 00:38:14,375
I only do it for love now, son.

571
00:38:14,376 --> 00:38:16,000
If you change your mind,
this is the boy for the job.

572
00:38:16,001 --> 00:38:19,792
Getting quite the reputation
as a young stallion, aren't you, pal, eh?

573
00:38:19,793 --> 00:38:23,875
Right, we'd better be off-ski.
We've got the Christmas party.

574
00:38:23,876 --> 00:38:26,292
Christ, I never thought I'd see the day
when I left a knocking shop

575
00:38:26,293 --> 00:38:29,193
with more spunk than I came in with.

576
00:38:30,376 --> 00:38:33,193
- Thank you.
- Thanks very much, son.

577
00:38:34,459 --> 00:38:36,792
I tell you, Gus,
this is the only kind of networking

578
00:38:36,793 --> 00:38:39,000
I don't mind doing with the Indian community.

579
00:38:39,001 --> 00:38:41,583
I do love a good curry all the same.

580
00:38:41,584 --> 00:38:45,500
Edith and I, we're actually thinking of going to
Sri Lanka next year for our holidays.

581
00:38:45,501 --> 00:38:48,917
- I don't know. Show us your tits.
- Show me yours, I'll show you mine.

582
00:38:53,501 --> 00:38:56,484
Party games. Gather round.

583
00:38:56,501 --> 00:39:02,083
I remember when I used to work in Sydney,
we played this party game at the crimbo party.

584
00:39:02,084 --> 00:39:03,292
What was that, then?

585
00:39:03,293 --> 00:39:06,792
Oh, no. Listen, there's ladies present, Karen,
so I better not say.

586
00:39:06,793 --> 00:39:09,583
Come on, Robbo, don't start something
you cannae fucking finish, man.

587
00:39:10,959 --> 00:39:13,292
- Come on, Brucie. Come on, Brucie.
- All right.

588
00:39:13,293 --> 00:39:16,875
- Well, come on, pal. Let's go, man.
- OK, then, Raymondo.

589
00:39:16,876 --> 00:39:20,667
What we would do is, all the men would go
to the photocopying room.

590
00:39:20,668 --> 00:39:23,458
One by one, of course.
No offence if that's your thing.

591
00:39:23,459 --> 00:39:27,901
And what we'd do is we would photocopy
an image of our wedding tackle.

592
00:39:29,084 --> 00:39:32,359
Oh, I just knew what was going on here!

593
00:39:33,501 --> 00:39:37,083
And then one of the sheilas
would pin it to a notice board.

594
00:39:37,084 --> 00:39:41,208
It'd then be up to the lassies to match the
male member with the corresponding owner.

595
00:39:41,209 --> 00:39:43,375
- What a load of bollocks, man.
- Let's do it.

596
00:39:43,376 --> 00:39:45,250
- Come on!

597
00:40:45,959 --> 00:40:49,359
Fuck me with that horse's cock.

598
00:40:53,001 --> 00:40:55,193
What?

599
00:41:23,293 --> 00:41:26,193
Here we go, lads, another round.

600
00:41:28,168 --> 00:41:29,776
Who the fuck is that?

601
00:41:31,668 --> 00:41:33,792
Peter. Peter!

602
00:41:33,793 --> 00:41:38,484
I haven't seen you in such a long time,
sweetie. Where have you been hiding?

603
00:41:38,751 --> 00:41:40,583
Brought some friends along, I see.

604
00:41:40,584 --> 00:41:44,234
Who the fuck are you?
Here, I don't know this guy.

605
00:41:44,334 --> 00:41:48,458
Sorry, I didn't realise
it was that kind of scene.

606
00:41:48,459 --> 00:41:51,208
Huh! Peter can be so sensitive.

607
00:41:51,209 --> 00:41:54,667
Ho! I don't fucking know you! OK?

608
00:41:54,668 --> 00:41:57,333
- Hey, hey, hey. Come on, man.
- But I don't know the guy, Ray.

609
00:41:57,334 --> 00:41:58,792
Well, he seems to know you.

610
00:41:58,793 --> 00:42:01,958
You wrote that fucking shite
on the toilet wall, didn't you?

611
00:42:01,959 --> 00:42:05,901
Did I fuck!
Probably one of your fucking boyfriends.

612
00:42:08,668 --> 00:42:13,083
You disgust me.
Get your face off my cock!

613
00:42:13,084 --> 00:42:17,901
Get off me, you fucking cocksucker!

614
00:42:18,043 --> 00:42:19,750
Don't even think about defending Gillman.

615
00:42:19,751 --> 00:42:22,083
Well, I'm gonna have to consider my position
on that one, Bob.

616
00:42:22,084 --> 00:42:25,458
Bruce, things are bloody difficult for me at
the moment with this murder case nuisance.

617
00:42:25,459 --> 00:42:29,167
On top of that, not only is there
a latent Nazi racist homophobe

618
00:42:29,168 --> 00:42:31,708
but a bloody jessie boy in the hat
for the inspector's post.

619
00:42:31,709 --> 00:42:34,875
Now, listen, are you referring
to Brother Inglis here? Cos if you are...

620
00:42:34,876 --> 00:42:38,250
How can we have someone
of his disposition leading fellow officers?

621
00:42:38,251 --> 00:42:40,000
Policy or no bloody policy,

622
00:42:40,001 --> 00:42:44,901
I won't pretend I don't find the idea
of two men doing it to each other...

623
00:42:46,709 --> 00:42:48,609
...totally disgusting.

624
00:42:49,418 --> 00:42:50,958
But that's by the way.

625
00:42:50,959 --> 00:42:54,250
- I still don't see what that's got to do...
- Oh, come on, Bruce.

626
00:42:54,251 --> 00:42:57,792
How can you have confidence in a man who
is constantly undressing you with his eyes,

627
00:42:57,793 --> 00:43:00,208
masturbating over images of you?

628
00:43:00,209 --> 00:43:01,792
It'd just be a compromise.

629
00:43:01,793 --> 00:43:04,375
Surely that's a bit caveman, Bob.

630
00:43:04,376 --> 00:43:07,375
In some parts of the country
the force even advertise in the gay press now.

631
00:43:07,376 --> 00:43:10,083
This isn't some parts of the country.

632
00:43:10,084 --> 00:43:13,375
This is Scotland, by Christ!

633
00:43:31,959 --> 00:43:35,000
Me and Bruce play these
break-up/make-up games,

634
00:43:35,001 --> 00:43:38,234
but it only makes our hearts grow fonder.

635
00:43:38,251 --> 00:43:42,792
In a sense we're always together,
because nothing...

636
00:43:42,793 --> 00:43:48,568
Space, time, or distance,
can break our delicious communion.

637
00:43:53,668 --> 00:43:58,026
- Here are your drinks, sir.
- <i>Merci, Fräulein, merci.</i>

638
00:43:58,501 --> 00:44:02,292
But heterosexual anal sex
need not imply an attitude of misogyny.

639
00:44:02,293 --> 00:44:07,875
I read in one of Bunty's magazines that 20%
of heterosexual couples enjoy anal sex

640
00:44:07,876 --> 00:44:11,083
-while only 50% of homosexual couples do.
- Whoa, ho, ho.

641
00:44:11,084 --> 00:44:14,083
What, are you saying that half the fucking
poofs walking about down there

642
00:44:14,084 --> 00:44:16,208
don't actually do each other
up the fucking arsehole?

643
00:44:16,209 --> 00:44:18,167
Bruce, I was only telling you
what the article said.

644
00:44:18,168 --> 00:44:21,583
Aye, and I'll tell you something else
about all that fucking rap music, man.

645
00:44:21,584 --> 00:44:25,000
It's all fucking bullshit
cos I read this article, proper, medical.

646
00:44:25,001 --> 00:44:27,875
It says that white women, right,
are 10 times more likely

647
00:44:27,876 --> 00:44:29,667
to give blowjobs than black women.

648
00:44:29,668 --> 00:44:30,958
So where does that leave them?

649
00:44:30,959 --> 00:44:34,208
Up the fucking spout without a blow job,
that's where, pal.

650
00:44:34,209 --> 00:44:36,500
Well, unless it's the white women
who they're referring to

651
00:44:36,501 --> 00:44:38,667
who are actually performing the fellatio.

652
00:44:38,668 --> 00:44:41,292
Let me tell you something, Bladesey.

653
00:44:41,293 --> 00:44:45,000
Only a white bird
who was not right in the fucking head

654
00:44:45,001 --> 00:44:48,443
would even think about
going with one of them.

655
00:44:54,293 --> 00:44:58,609
It wasn't even a country until 1865.

656
00:45:00,876 --> 00:45:06,958
Fish market, the actor Hans Albers
and FC St Pauli football club.

657
00:45:06,959 --> 00:45:10,250
Get into the fucking index
and look up fucking "fanny".

658
00:45:10,251 --> 00:45:13,250
The Reeperbahn, the red light district.

659
00:45:13,251 --> 00:45:15,571
Need to take a picture
of what a cunt looks like.

660
00:45:37,793 --> 00:45:39,167
Can you put that in a bottle?

661
00:45:39,168 --> 00:45:40,625
No. Don't touch it, Bruce.
You're not allowed to.

662
00:45:40,626 --> 00:45:43,208
- You've got to be able to touch fucking history.
- No, you can't, Bruce.

663
00:45:43,209 --> 00:45:45,167
- Bruce!

664
00:45:45,168 --> 00:45:48,484
Bruce! Bruce!

665
00:45:49,001 --> 00:45:50,901
Bruce!

666
00:46:07,459 --> 00:46:09,042
Is this a real prostitute?

667
00:46:10,209 --> 00:46:12,583
<i>Arschficken</i>, me and her. 50?

668
00:46:12,584 --> 00:46:15,292
<i>- Arschficken</i>. 50.
- Thanks very much.

669
00:46:15,293 --> 00:46:16,458
Right, Brunhilde.

670
00:46:16,459 --> 00:46:20,292
- My name's Clifford.
- Bladesey, don't go bareback.

671
00:46:20,293 --> 00:46:22,193
I'm a Gemini.

672
00:46:23,501 --> 00:46:24,833
Can I just have a glass of water?

673
00:46:24,834 --> 00:46:28,568
Not at all. I've got something else
in mind for you.

674
00:46:29,209 --> 00:46:32,875
Here, here, here, here, here.
Look at these two. Look at these two.

675
00:46:32,876 --> 00:46:35,083
Fucking bufties. Disgusting.

676
00:46:35,084 --> 00:46:37,651
Absolutely fucking...

677
00:46:38,168 --> 00:46:40,109
...disgusting.

678
00:46:41,959 --> 00:46:45,292
I've never seen the attraction of it myself.

679
00:46:45,293 --> 00:46:46,875
Cheers, pal.

680
00:46:46,876 --> 00:46:48,568
Cheers.

681
00:47:10,126 --> 00:47:14,500
Bladesey, just take your coat off.
You're overheating, man. Just fucking...

682
00:47:18,126 --> 00:47:19,625
Bladesey, I...

683
00:47:19,626 --> 00:47:23,542
I need you to fucking calm yourself.
You're really messing with my fucking trip.

684
00:47:23,543 --> 00:47:24,833
Calm your...

685
00:47:24,834 --> 00:47:28,750
Fucking calm yourself, man.
Calm yourself. Fuck off...

686
00:47:28,751 --> 00:47:32,318
-- You're on your fucking own, Bladesey.

687
00:48:09,334 --> 00:48:10,734
Fuck off!

688
00:48:11,751 --> 00:48:14,417
Get your fucking hands off me!

689
00:48:14,418 --> 00:48:15,818
Piss off!

690
00:48:27,751 --> 00:48:30,109
Carole.

691
00:48:31,293 --> 00:48:33,292
Carole.

692
00:48:33,293 --> 00:48:36,250
- Carole.

693
00:48:36,251 --> 00:48:39,250
No. Where's Stacey?
Where's Stacey? Where's Stacey?

694
00:49:12,126 --> 00:49:13,792
Hello?

695
00:49:13,793 --> 00:49:17,000
<i>Do you know what time it is, Bruce?
Get into work right now.</i>

696
00:49:17,001 --> 00:49:21,068
Right... Right, <i>I'll</i> be in in, say, 25 minutes.

697
00:49:46,709 --> 00:49:48,234
You wanted to...

698
00:49:49,293 --> 00:49:50,943
...see me?

699
00:49:51,001 --> 00:49:52,625
- Take a seat.

700
00:49:52,626 --> 00:49:54,000
As you obviously know, Bruce,

701
00:49:54,001 --> 00:49:58,375
Amanda took a lead role
in the murder investigation in your absence.

702
00:49:58,376 --> 00:50:03,042
I have decided after some deliberation
that this should remain the case.

703
00:50:03,043 --> 00:50:05,208
You have got to be fucking joking me!

704
00:50:05,209 --> 00:50:06,917
- I beg your pardon?
- Are you deaf?

705
00:50:06,918 --> 00:50:09,708
I expect you to give her your full co-operation.

706
00:50:09,709 --> 00:50:13,984
Since you've been away
the media have taken an interest again.

707
00:50:14,043 --> 00:50:18,276
Press relations is exactly the kind of area
that Amanda here is strong in.

708
00:50:18,543 --> 00:50:23,292
Amanda, can you please brief Bruce
on the latest developments?

709
00:50:23,293 --> 00:50:24,417
Yes, Bob.

710
00:50:24,418 --> 00:50:27,042
Gus has already filled me in,
so there's really no need.

711
00:50:27,043 --> 00:50:28,542
Gus isn't on the ball, Bruce!

712
00:50:28,543 --> 00:50:31,125
OK, then, Mandy, fire away.

713
00:50:31,126 --> 00:50:33,687
We're going to have to bring in
Gorman for questioning.

714
00:50:33,876 --> 00:50:36,042
Not so sure that's a good idea there, Mandy.

715
00:50:36,043 --> 00:50:40,333
You see, he's a hardened criminal and with
a lawyer like Conrad Donaldson behind him

716
00:50:40,334 --> 00:50:42,526
could go either way.

717
00:50:43,376 --> 00:50:45,208
Nice cycling trip, Bruce?

718
00:50:45,209 --> 00:50:48,750
Enough with the idle banter.
Shall we crack on with the case?

719
00:50:48,751 --> 00:50:52,333
Maybe start by finding this blonde witness
you forgot to tell us about.

720
00:50:52,334 --> 00:50:56,734
These are crafty bastards we're dealing with.
We need hard evidence.

721
00:50:57,418 --> 00:50:59,125
I'll just go and get some, eh?

722
00:51:02,418 --> 00:51:04,708
- Bruce, can I have a word?
- Course you can, sweetheart.

723
00:51:04,709 --> 00:51:07,917
Do you have to refer to me
in that condescending way?

724
00:51:07,918 --> 00:51:11,333
- Mandy, you're taking this far too seriously.
- My name is Amanda.

725
00:51:11,334 --> 00:51:14,750
You think you've got a chance
of getting this fucking promotion, don't you?

726
00:51:16,418 --> 00:51:17,542
Bruce.

727
00:51:17,543 --> 00:51:19,903
- Someone here to see you.
- Maybe in a wee min...

728
00:51:24,834 --> 00:51:27,443
We'll continue this later.

729
00:51:33,501 --> 00:51:35,443
Maybe a wee bit of privacy, eh, Peter?

730
00:51:39,418 --> 00:51:43,693
I came last week,
but they told me you were on holiday.

731
00:51:44,793 --> 00:51:48,250
I wanted to thank you personally
for everything you did for Colin.

732
00:51:48,251 --> 00:51:51,401
Aye. Aye, well, I just wish
I could have done more to help him.

733
00:51:55,543 --> 00:51:58,026
This is the man who tried to save your daddy.

734
00:51:58,501 --> 00:52:02,333
He helped when the others
just stood back and watched.

735
00:52:02,334 --> 00:52:04,318
He's a fine man, son.

736
00:52:05,543 --> 00:52:08,943
I'd like you to be like him when you grow up.

737
00:52:13,751 --> 00:52:17,526
They said it was
your favourite team's colours so...

738
00:52:18,418 --> 00:52:20,526
I knitted it especially.

739
00:52:21,543 --> 00:52:24,401
I just wanted to say...

740
00:52:26,126 --> 00:52:28,068
...Merry Christmas.

741
00:52:32,918 --> 00:52:34,750
Say bye to the detective, Euan.

742
00:52:34,751 --> 00:52:37,026
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye, pal.

743
00:52:38,209 --> 00:52:42,109
Here, here, here... Don't... Don't go.
Um... Just...

744
00:52:42,543 --> 00:52:44,333
This is...

745
00:52:44,334 --> 00:52:46,833
This is just my...

746
00:52:46,834 --> 00:52:49,542
It's my home telephone number.

747
00:52:49,543 --> 00:52:51,526
And my home address.

748
00:52:53,126 --> 00:52:55,859
In case you ever need any help.

749
00:52:58,043 --> 00:53:00,109
For anything.

750
00:53:01,418 --> 00:53:03,401
Thanks.

751
00:53:14,001 --> 00:53:15,542
Do you know what
Drummond says to me?

752
00:53:15,543 --> 00:53:19,901
She tells me that we've got
to bring in German for questioning.

753
00:53:21,543 --> 00:53:25,042
I just laughed in her face and then I fucked off.

754
00:53:25,043 --> 00:53:27,000
- What do you think of that?
- Aye, nice job, mate.

755
00:53:27,001 --> 00:53:28,125
- Aye.
- Yea h.

756
00:53:28,126 --> 00:53:32,151
These young ones, Ray.
These fucking young ones!

757
00:53:34,668 --> 00:53:36,609
I'll get the drinks in.

758
00:53:51,209 --> 00:53:53,450
Listen, Robbo, I've got something to tell you.

759
00:53:53,834 --> 00:53:57,514
I don't want you getting the wrong idea
and this is why I'm letting you know first.

760
00:53:59,543 --> 00:54:02,500
Listen, I really want to get on
in the department, right,

761
00:54:02,501 --> 00:54:06,318
but I've not got
enough experience, though, eh?

762
00:54:07,543 --> 00:54:09,609
I don't know, Ray.

763
00:54:10,293 --> 00:54:12,453
All depends on how good you are, doesn't it?

764
00:54:12,918 --> 00:54:15,758
I mean, I even thought
about applying for the inspector's job.

765
00:54:16,251 --> 00:54:21,026
You know, but I just thought it was a good idea
to get some practice with the...

766
00:54:21,543 --> 00:54:24,859
...you know, with the selection procedures.

767
00:54:26,709 --> 00:54:30,276
- What do you think?
- Cannae do you any harm, pal.

768
00:54:31,043 --> 00:54:33,833
You're right. It can't do any harm,
you know, flying up a kite,

769
00:54:33,834 --> 00:54:36,318
just so they know
who Ray fucking Lennox is, eh?

770
00:54:42,418 --> 00:54:45,318
You need to watch some sly bastards.

771
00:54:45,918 --> 00:54:47,917
- What do you mean?
- I'm just saying

772
00:54:47,918 --> 00:54:51,693
that you need to watch some sly bastards.

773
00:54:52,126 --> 00:54:54,026
Like who? Who?

774
00:54:54,334 --> 00:54:55,818
Gus.

775
00:54:56,293 --> 00:54:58,109
- Gus Bain?
- Aye.

776
00:54:59,126 --> 00:55:01,250
I mean, he's always been all right
with me, man, you know.

777
00:55:01,251 --> 00:55:04,458
He's been taking quite an interest
in the extracurricular activities

778
00:55:04,459 --> 00:55:06,917
of a certain Ray Lennox.

779
00:55:06,918 --> 00:55:10,125
Just watch what you say
about Bonnie Prince Charlie here

780
00:55:10,126 --> 00:55:12,542
when Gus Bain is around.
Do you understand me?

781
00:55:12,543 --> 00:55:16,234
You know, I would never say anything
about the chang to anybody, you know?

782
00:55:16,959 --> 00:55:22,625
But I will definitely watch what I fucking say
around that sly old fucking grasser now, eh?

783
00:55:22,626 --> 00:55:25,026
You cannae fucking trust
anybody any more, can you?

784
00:55:35,626 --> 00:55:40,151
I must look divine,
especially in the middle of this bunch of freaks.

785
00:55:44,543 --> 00:55:47,250
They all fancy Carole Robertson, see?

786
00:55:47,251 --> 00:55:51,818
Well, you can look, but you can't touch.

787
00:55:56,126 --> 00:55:58,542
There's only one person that can have me.

788
00:55:58,543 --> 00:56:04,109
Although, if he really wants me,
he'll have to get that promotion.

789
00:56:04,626 --> 00:56:06,859
Time waits for no man.

790
00:56:12,418 --> 00:56:16,651
Yeah?
What have you got, darling?</i>

791
00:56:19,918 --> 00:56:23,901
<i>What do you think? Is it nice?
Oh, it's quite nice.</i>

792
00:56:28,001 --> 00:56:29,818
<i>That's it.</i>

793
00:56:35,501 --> 00:56:37,941
<i>BRUCE'. Hello, darling.
Wave to the camera, darling.</i>

794
00:56:48,543 --> 00:56:50,792
<i>I'm not too sure about this one, Bruce.</i>

795
00:56:53,751 --> 00:56:56,943
- Hello?
- I bet...

796
00:56:58,126 --> 00:57:02,318
You've been thinking about me a lot,
haven't you, Bunty?

797
00:57:03,543 --> 00:57:06,651
I haven't stopped thinking about you.

798
00:57:07,501 --> 00:57:11,542
I bet they told you to ignore me, though.

799
00:57:11,543 --> 00:57:15,234
<i>- Didn't they?
- Oh yes, they fucking did.</i>

800
00:57:15,543 --> 00:57:17,526
But...

801
00:57:17,834 --> 00:57:20,568
This is...

802
00:57:21,751 --> 00:57:24,484
...so much more fun, Frank.

803
00:57:24,918 --> 00:57:27,193
Would you...

804
00:57:28,334 --> 00:57:31,109
What?

805
00:57:33,418 --> 00:57:35,667
Would you

806
00:57:35,668 --> 00:57:39,068
like to see my cock,

807
00:57:39,793 --> 00:57:41,500
Bunty?

808
00:57:41,501 --> 00:57:45,026
I'd like to do more than that, Frank.

809
00:57:46,043 --> 00:57:49,083
I'd like to

810
00:57:49,084 --> 00:57:52,417
put your cock in my fucking mouth.

811
00:57:53,626 --> 00:57:57,026
That's what I would like to do.

812
00:57:58,334 --> 00:58:01,917
And then I would like you

813
00:58:01,918 --> 00:58:04,250
to put your cock

814
00:58:04,251 --> 00:58:08,401
inside of my fucking beautiful body.

815
00:58:10,543 --> 00:58:15,042
That's what I would like, Frank,
and for you to go as fast as you can.

816
00:58:15,043 --> 00:58:17,958
Fucking go as fast

817
00:58:17,959 --> 00:58:20,401
as you can, Frank!

818
00:58:23,251 --> 00:58:26,026
Fuck me. Fuck me!

819
00:58:28,793 --> 00:58:31,818
- Yeah!
- That's what I'd like, Frank.

820
00:58:38,126 --> 00:58:42,333
<i>How's the lovely Carole at Christmas?</i>

821
00:58:42,334 --> 00:58:45,250
A lovely Christmas carol.

822
00:58:45,251 --> 00:58:46,917
Yes?

823
00:58:46,918 --> 00:58:52,208
<i>♪ Carol started going out
on the piss with Stephen</i>

824
00:58:52,209 --> 00:58:57,042
<i>3 When Steve took his trousers off
Bruce knew she'd be leaving</i>

825
00:58:57,043 --> 00:59:01,542
<i>3 Bruce, he wanted Stacey back,
but she wasn't coming</i>

826
00:59:01,543 --> 00:59:04,542
<i>♪ This promotion's made him crack</i>

827
00:59:04,543 --> 00:59:09,542
<i>♪ He isn't in the running 4'</i>

828
00:59:09,543 --> 00:59:11,458
Eh? Eh?

829
00:59:11,459 --> 00:59:13,250
Eh?

830
00:59:13,251 --> 00:59:15,833
Bigger pain, bigger jar.

831
00:59:15,834 --> 00:59:19,042
Bigger pills, Bruce, yes?

832
00:59:19,043 --> 00:59:20,292
Yeah!

833
00:59:20,293 --> 00:59:24,526
Fuck you, Carole Robertson!
Fuck you, Carole Robertson!

834
00:59:26,043 --> 00:59:28,401
Turn off my gas, Bruce!

835
00:59:31,084 --> 00:59:34,708
Fuck you, Dougie Gillman!

836
00:59:40,834 --> 00:59:43,042
<i>"CAROLE". Repressed people.</i>

837
00:59:43,043 --> 00:59:46,443
<i>You have to pity them
more than anything else.</i>

838
00:59:47,043 --> 00:59:49,984
<i>I was like that before I met Bruce.</i>

839
00:59:50,793 --> 00:59:53,568
<i>But he brought me out of myself.</i>

840
00:59:56,043 --> 00:59:59,526
That's what our sex club was about.

841
01:00:00,043 --> 01:00:02,917
Bruce knows that
our wee games and flirtations

842
01:00:02,918 --> 01:00:08,026
only serve to strengthen our love
by making it confront its true nature.

843
01:00:08,584 --> 01:00:12,318
I'm a better person now.

844
01:00:12,834 --> 01:00:15,234
A different person.

845
01:00:19,834 --> 01:00:25,943
<i>♪ Tired of drifting,
searching, shifting from town to town</i>

846
01:00:28,501 --> 01:00:34,026
<i>♪ Every time I slip and slide
a little further down</i>

847
01:00:35,918 --> 01:00:39,651
<i>♪ I can't blame you
if you won't take me back</i>

848
01:00:40,209 --> 01:00:43,750
<i>♪ After everything I put you through</i>

849
01:00:43,751 --> 01:00:46,917
<i>♪ But, honey, you're my last hope</i>

850
01:00:46,918 --> 01:00:50,651
<i>♪ And who else can I turn to</i>

851
01:00:52,918 --> 01:00:57,042
<i>♪ Come on, Silver Lady,
take my word</i>

852
01:00:57,043 --> 01:01:01,333
<i>♪ I won't run out on you again,
believe me... I</i>

853
01:01:49,126 --> 01:01:51,625
The fucking bitch has left me.

854
01:01:51,626 --> 01:01:56,859
Christmas fucking Day
and the bitch leaves me.

855
01:02:04,126 --> 01:02:08,750
- Merry Christmas, Robbo!
- Aye, same to you, Gus. Same to you.

856
01:02:08,751 --> 01:02:10,417
So what's your plans, then?

857
01:02:10,418 --> 01:02:13,625
Ah, just the usual family shite and all that.

858
01:02:13,626 --> 01:02:15,609
Me, too.

859
01:02:16,334 --> 01:02:17,818
Fuck!

860
01:02:20,209 --> 01:02:23,193
Are you all right, Bruce?

861
01:02:23,626 --> 01:02:25,250
Oh, aye.

862
01:02:25,251 --> 01:02:28,318
- Are you all right, Robbo?
- Aye.

863
01:02:30,834 --> 01:02:33,042
- Happy Christmas, sir.
- Don't you "Happy Christmas" me.

864
01:02:33,043 --> 01:02:35,042
- Come again?
- Look at the state you're in, Bruce.

865
01:02:35,043 --> 01:02:38,333
You're a disgrace to the force.
This murder case is still hanging over us

866
01:02:38,334 --> 01:02:41,000
and you haven't even managed to find
the Blades' phantom phone-caller.

867
01:02:41,001 --> 01:02:43,625
I am quickly becoming
the laughing-stock of the Lodge.

868
01:02:43,626 --> 01:02:46,917
And you are about to lose
any chance you ever had of this promotion.

869
01:02:46,918 --> 01:02:49,250
No,no,no,no,no,no.
I know who the pervert is, sir.

870
01:02:49,251 --> 01:02:50,818
Aye...

871
01:02:51,668 --> 01:02:53,401
It's Clifford Blades.

872
01:02:54,501 --> 01:02:56,734
It's Clifford Blades himself, sir.

873
01:03:00,043 --> 01:03:02,234
I'll get you proof.

874
01:03:02,543 --> 01:03:05,443
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

875
01:03:19,543 --> 01:03:21,401
Davie.

876
01:03:26,626 --> 01:03:29,026
Davie, it wasn't my fault.

877
01:03:32,626 --> 01:03:33,833
It wasn't my...

878
01:03:44,043 --> 01:03:47,651
Your message sounded urgent,
so I came straight over.

879
01:03:47,834 --> 01:03:49,958
I wanted to drop your present off anyway

880
01:03:49,959 --> 01:03:52,208
because I'm going to England
to see my parents.

881
01:03:52,209 --> 01:03:54,568
Mother's not very well.

882
01:03:55,126 --> 01:03:57,833
Bunty's not best pleased about me going.

883
01:03:57,834 --> 01:03:59,500
This creep just won't stop phoning her.

884
01:03:59,501 --> 01:04:03,792
I... I never got you anything.

885
01:04:03,793 --> 01:04:06,026
Doesn't matter.

886
01:04:08,251 --> 01:04:10,734
It's good to see you, pal.

887
01:04:10,918 --> 01:04:12,526
Good to see somebody.

888
01:04:13,209 --> 01:04:15,443
- Good to see you.

889
01:04:17,334 --> 01:04:19,000
You want a wee whisky? Cheer you up.

890
01:04:19,001 --> 01:04:22,109
- No, best not. I'm driving.
- You'll fucking sit down, man!

891
01:04:22,584 --> 01:04:25,500
You'll stay over here tonight
and you'll go tomorrow, OK?

892
01:04:25,501 --> 01:04:26,833
OK.

893
01:04:26,834 --> 01:04:31,026
- Won't your wife mind?
- She's at her mum's. Her mum's in Aviemore.

894
01:04:33,043 --> 01:04:36,984
- Old bird's on her last legs with heart disease.
- I'm sorry to hear that.

895
01:04:38,043 --> 01:04:41,943
No, don't fucking worry about it.
Stupid slag brought it on herself.

896
01:04:42,084 --> 01:04:46,917
See, the amount of chocolate, booze and fags
she consumes, it is fucking criminal.

897
01:04:46,918 --> 01:04:50,193
- What about your daughter?
- Christ, that's enough of the family pish!

898
01:05:03,626 --> 01:05:05,443
Now...

899
01:05:05,918 --> 01:05:09,776
I've got a cheeky wee single malt here for you.

900
01:05:10,918 --> 01:05:13,833
Only for the developed palate, 49 years aged.

901
01:05:13,834 --> 01:05:17,526
Ho-ho-ho, Merry Christmas and all that shite.

902
01:05:24,418 --> 01:05:26,500
Well, I suppose one between friends
couldn't hurt.

903
01:05:26,501 --> 01:05:27,708
Aye.

904
01:05:27,709 --> 01:05:30,109
- Happy Christmas.
- Is it?

905
01:05:30,918 --> 01:05:32,833
How are you getting on
with that whisky then, Bladesey?

906
01:05:32,834 --> 01:05:35,151
Feel a bit tipsy, Bruce.

907
01:05:39,793 --> 01:05:43,833
Hello
and welcome to the Fantastic...</i>

908
01:05:43,834 --> 01:05:46,500
Manchester! Manchester!

909
01:05:48,418 --> 01:05:50,042
- You do it, man.
- No.

910
01:05:50,043 --> 01:05:51,333
- Come on, give it a try.
- No, really, Bruce.

911
01:05:51,334 --> 01:05:52,792
- Come on, it's Christmas.
- It's not in my nature.

912
01:05:52,793 --> 01:05:54,750
Come on, don't be such a fucking spoilsport.

913
01:05:54,751 --> 01:05:59,333
Ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Frank Sidebottom.

914
01:05:59,334 --> 01:06:00,901
I'm Frank Sidebottom.

915
01:06:01,709 --> 01:06:03,917
My name is Frank Sidebottom.

916
01:06:24,043 --> 01:06:26,500
This is a lovely surprise.

917
01:06:26,501 --> 01:06:30,500
I was just checking up on
my best mate's missus while he was away,

918
01:06:30,501 --> 01:06:32,583
seeing she was safe and secure
and all that, you know?

919
01:06:32,584 --> 01:06:36,568
I don't know why you bother with him.
He's weak.

920
01:06:36,584 --> 01:06:37,875
Not like you.

921
01:06:37,876 --> 01:06:39,583
No, no, no, he's...
He's one of the best, I say.

922
01:06:39,584 --> 01:06:42,250
- That's what I say. He's one of the best.

923
01:06:42,251 --> 01:06:45,193
Oh, I wish I had a friend
who was as loyal as you.

924
01:06:46,001 --> 01:06:49,625
You must see some terrible things
in your line of work.

925
01:06:49,626 --> 01:06:53,875
Aye, I do. I really do, you know?

926
01:06:53,876 --> 01:06:55,542
But you just... You just deal with it.

927
01:06:55,543 --> 01:06:58,526
Like you do, Bunty,
with this prank phone-caller.

928
01:06:59,209 --> 01:07:01,583
You don't seem to let it get to you, do you?

929
01:07:01,584 --> 01:07:07,792
Well, that's what I try to make him think.
But, you know, it hurts terribly.

930
01:07:07,793 --> 01:07:09,500
Uh-huh.

931
01:07:09,501 --> 01:07:12,943
I just wish Clifford could be as strong as you.

932
01:07:16,418 --> 01:07:18,193
Fuck.

933
01:07:21,876 --> 01:07:24,292
Fuck! Wait a minute.

934
01:07:24,293 --> 01:07:28,167
This is wrong. Cliff's all right.
This is... This is really wrong.

935
01:07:28,168 --> 01:07:30,458
No,no,no!

936
01:07:30,459 --> 01:07:34,234
No, it's... It's... It's OK.
This is so right.

937
01:07:48,168 --> 01:07:49,292
No, no!

938
01:07:49,293 --> 01:07:50,542
- What's wrong?
- It's just the...

939
01:07:50,543 --> 01:07:52,000
- Just what?
- It's just...

940
01:07:52,001 --> 01:07:54,000
I think Cliff might be
your phantom phone-caller.

941
01:07:55,959 --> 01:07:58,500
Oh, don't be ridiculous. Come on.

942
01:08:00,918 --> 01:08:04,292
<i>Ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Frank Sidebottom.</i>

943
01:08:04,293 --> 01:08:06,708
<i>It's Frank Sidebottom.</i>

944
01:08:06,709 --> 01:08:10,292
<i>Ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Frank Sidebottom.</i>

945
01:08:10,293 --> 01:08:11,958
<i>It's Frank Sidebottom.</i>

946
01:08:11,959 --> 01:08:14,208
Oh, my God!

947
01:08:14,209 --> 01:08:16,292
Ah, Bruce eh?

948
01:08:16,293 --> 01:08:17,417
Fuck.

949
01:08:17,418 --> 01:08:21,958
Or would you like me to call you
by your little brother's name, Davie, yes?

950
01:08:21,959 --> 01:08:24,667
- What?
- Baby brothers, Bruce.

951
01:08:24,668 --> 01:08:26,708
Such a nuisance.

952
01:08:26,709 --> 01:08:29,667
But you were supposed to look out
for little brother Davie, yes?

953
01:08:29,668 --> 01:08:31,208
No, no, I wasn't.

954
01:08:31,209 --> 01:08:34,083
It was your idea to steal the coal, though, yes?

955
01:08:34,084 --> 01:08:36,000
No, that was Davie's idea.

956
01:08:36,001 --> 01:08:38,667
The added incentive
of trying to please your father.

957
01:08:38,668 --> 01:08:41,000
"Let's climb the coal mountain," you said.

958
01:08:41,001 --> 01:08:43,458
That's it. Just little boys
playing games, Doctor.

959
01:08:43,459 --> 01:08:47,875
The games, Bruce. The games.
The same rules apply, though.

960
01:08:47,876 --> 01:08:51,708
"I'm the king of the castle!
Get down you, dirty rascal!"

961
01:08:51,709 --> 01:08:53,208
Then you pushed him off.

962
01:08:53,209 --> 01:08:54,500
No, I never. No, I fucking never!

963
01:08:54,501 --> 01:08:56,708
- Not an angry push...
- No, I didn't.

964
01:08:56,709 --> 01:09:01,609
...just a brotherly shove.
Brotherly love, a brotherly shove.

965
01:09:02,418 --> 01:09:07,583
Because wee Davie was better at everything
than his big brother, "the other laddie".

966
01:09:07,584 --> 01:09:09,500
That's what they used to say in the village.

967
01:09:09,501 --> 01:09:12,208
"Davie Robertson and the other laddie."

968
01:09:12,209 --> 01:09:14,208
You're still just "the other laddie", aren't you?

969
01:09:14,209 --> 01:09:15,583
You fuck off!

970
01:09:15,584 --> 01:09:19,708
"Fuck off", you shout,
as you push him down the slag pile.

971
01:09:19,709 --> 01:09:22,583
He's at the bottom, screaming for help

972
01:09:22,584 --> 01:09:27,208
as the black stuff rushes down,
smothering your brother underneath.

973
01:09:27,209 --> 01:09:28,792
No, I tried to save him.

974
01:09:28,793 --> 01:09:33,583
Then the man you call father,
crouching beside the body of his real son,

975
01:09:33,584 --> 01:09:39,984
"This thing killed him. This bastard spawn
of the devil killed my laddie."

976
01:09:40,043 --> 01:09:42,583
"You are filth!"

977
01:09:42,584 --> 01:09:45,208
No! No!

978
01:09:45,209 --> 01:09:46,958
No, no...

979
01:09:46,959 --> 01:09:50,984
What are you doing
in the women's toilets, Bruce?

980
01:09:51,168 --> 01:09:53,000
Fuck off, Drummond.

981
01:09:53,001 --> 01:09:55,667
- You can say it's none of my business.
- It's none of your fucking business!

982
01:09:55,668 --> 01:09:57,000
What were you doing
in the women's toilets, Bruce?

983
01:09:57,001 --> 01:09:58,083
Look, I'm sorry.

984
01:09:58,084 --> 01:10:01,417
I'm just feeling a bit wrong
at the moment. OK?

985
01:10:01,418 --> 01:10:03,375
OK, well, if you want to talk about it,
then I'm here.

986
01:10:03,376 --> 01:10:07,417
Spare me your airy-fairy,
namby-pamby, care-in-the-community,

987
01:10:07,418 --> 01:10:09,500
human-resources, left-wing bullshit.

988
01:10:09,501 --> 01:10:12,417
Well, I'm just worried about you, Bruce.

989
01:10:12,418 --> 01:10:16,000
- What did you say?
- I said, I'm worried about you, Bruce.

990
01:10:16,001 --> 01:10:18,167
Oh, right, I see. You're worried about me.

991
01:10:18,168 --> 01:10:20,875
What? Oh, don't flatter yourself.

992
01:10:20,876 --> 01:10:24,458
- I think you're a silly, silly, little, little man.
- You fancy me.

993
01:10:24,459 --> 01:10:28,083
I have no interest in you,
apart from us having to work together.

994
01:10:28,084 --> 01:10:31,000
- Just give in to your instincts, darling.
- Oh, God, you're pathetic.

995
01:10:31,001 --> 01:10:33,083
- You're pathetic. You're an alcoholic.
- Fuck off.

996
01:10:33,084 --> 01:10:35,750
You stink.
Do you know what, Bruce?

997
01:10:35,751 --> 01:10:40,083
You're the kind of sad case
that preys on weak, stupid women

998
01:10:40,084 --> 01:10:42,667
in order to boost your own shattered ego!

999
01:10:42,668 --> 01:10:44,958
What about Karen the other night
at the Christmas party?

1000
01:10:44,959 --> 01:10:46,792
She was wasted, Bruce.

1001
01:10:46,793 --> 01:10:49,333
Well, she shouldnae have
fucking drunk then, should she?

1002
01:10:49,334 --> 01:10:51,000
She wanted a drink, so she had one.

1003
01:10:51,001 --> 01:10:53,000
She wanted a ride,
so she had one of them as well.

1004
01:10:53,001 --> 01:10:55,375
So, don't treat me like a fucking rapist!

1005
01:10:55,376 --> 01:10:58,208
Jesus Christ,
what are you so interested in her for anyway?

1006
01:10:58,209 --> 01:11:01,625
- Are you a lesbian?
- I'm not a bloody lesbian, Bruce.

1007
01:11:01,626 --> 01:11:04,792
I have a boyfriend
and he's far younger than you

1008
01:11:04,793 --> 01:11:06,792
and he's far more intelligent than you

1009
01:11:06,793 --> 01:11:10,708
and he's far better endowed than you,
Mr Photocopier Enlargement.

1010
01:11:10,709 --> 01:11:12,208
What did you fucking say?

1011
01:11:12,209 --> 01:11:16,276
Go on, fucking hit me, Bruce!
Are you gonna hit me, Bruce? Yeah?

1012
01:11:20,668 --> 01:11:22,109
No.

1013
01:11:26,501 --> 01:11:28,708
Oh, my darling, I'm sorry.

1014
01:11:28,709 --> 01:11:31,208
- You sicken me.

1015
01:11:31,209 --> 01:11:35,484
You repulse me.
Can I make that any fucking plainer?

1016
01:11:42,293 --> 01:11:45,151
I wasn't gonna hurt you, you know?

1017
01:11:46,584 --> 01:11:48,818
I didn't mean it.

1018
01:12:01,418 --> 01:12:03,609
As your colleague...

1019
01:12:04,376 --> 01:12:08,984
...and <i>as a</i> human being, I'm telling you,
Bruce, you've got some stuff to sort out.

1020
01:12:09,709 --> 01:12:14,167
OK? Then you might become
the sort of person

1021
01:12:14,168 --> 01:12:16,708
that you seem to imagine yourself to be,

1022
01:12:16,709 --> 01:12:19,068
although Christ only knows what that is.

1023
01:12:19,584 --> 01:12:22,609
I used to be good at this job, Amanda.

1024
01:12:25,918 --> 01:12:27,901
I used to be a good person.

1025
01:12:28,418 --> 01:12:30,734
Yeah. I heard that.

1026
01:12:33,793 --> 01:12:37,109
- Have you got a wife, Bruce?
- Yeah.

1027
01:12:39,293 --> 01:12:41,000
Have you got any kids?

1028
01:12:41,001 --> 01:12:42,984
Stacey.

1029
01:12:47,168 --> 01:12:49,568
I think they've left me.

1030
01:12:52,584 --> 01:12:55,318
I think my family have left me.

1031
01:13:00,584 --> 01:13:02,651
I don't know how.

1032
01:13:04,793 --> 01:13:07,276
I can't remember why.

1033
01:13:08,168 --> 01:13:10,068
OK.

1034
01:13:12,001 --> 01:13:15,234
You see, there's something wrong with me.

1035
01:13:16,959 --> 01:13:20,484
There's something seriously wrong with me.

1036
01:13:21,709 --> 01:13:26,208
Have you spoken to anyone?
Have you been to see a doctor?

1037
01:13:26,209 --> 01:13:28,401
- Yeah.
- Yeah?

1038
01:13:28,793 --> 01:13:30,193
No.

1039
01:13:31,501 --> 01:13:34,526
I don't know. I don't know.

1040
01:13:37,584 --> 01:13:40,151
No, I'm in charge.

1041
01:13:41,168 --> 01:13:43,359
I'm in charge of me.

1042
01:13:43,584 --> 01:13:45,375
I'm in charge of me.

1043
01:13:45,376 --> 01:13:48,458
I'm in charge of this investigation
and don't you ever fucking forget that.

1044
01:13:48,459 --> 01:13:52,109
OK, Bruce. You need to listen to me.
Can you hear me?

1045
01:13:52,793 --> 01:13:56,708
I'm really worried about you.
I don't think you're fit for work at the moment.

1046
01:13:56,709 --> 01:14:00,667
Just you go up there
and suck someone's cock

1047
01:14:00,668 --> 01:14:05,468
and stop playing the amateur fucking
psychologist, you evil witch!

1048
01:14:12,626 --> 01:14:13,792
Hey, Robbo.

1049
01:14:13,793 --> 01:14:16,083
Are you holding a guy
by the name of Clifford Blades?

1050
01:14:16,084 --> 01:14:18,833
Do you ever get the impression
he was a pervert?

1051
01:14:18,834 --> 01:14:22,151
Just give me the fucking keys!

1052
01:14:24,959 --> 01:14:28,609
- You piss-taking little fart!
- What's wrong, Bruce?

1053
01:14:28,876 --> 01:14:31,583
You strung me along from the fucking start!
Didn't you?

1054
01:14:31,584 --> 01:14:33,792
It wasn't me.
You have to believe it wasn't me.

1055
01:14:33,793 --> 01:14:36,333
Don't make me punch your face
through your shoulders

1056
01:14:36,334 --> 01:14:39,208
and out through your fucking arse,
you speccy wee fanny!

1057
01:14:39,209 --> 01:14:41,792
Why? Why did you drag me into this, Cliff?

1058
01:14:41,793 --> 01:14:45,375
Why did you drag me into this with you?
You're supposed to be my mate.

1059
01:14:45,376 --> 01:14:47,458
I didn't. We are mates, Bruce.

1060
01:14:47,459 --> 01:14:50,484
You're my best friend, Bruce.
You're my best friend.

1061
01:14:56,709 --> 01:14:59,193
Why do you bully me, Bruce?

1062
01:15:00,209 --> 01:15:03,109
- What?
- Why do you do it?

1063
01:15:04,084 --> 01:15:05,984
Because”.

1064
01:15:07,918 --> 01:15:11,401
Because I can't fucking help myself.

1065
01:15:12,376 --> 01:15:16,083
Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!

1066
01:15:16,084 --> 01:15:17,917
Bruce! Bruce!

1067
01:15:17,918 --> 01:15:22,568
Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!

1068
01:15:29,418 --> 01:15:30,818
Fuck!

1069
01:15:31,168 --> 01:15:34,734
I tried to call you at work.
Where have you been?

1070
01:15:35,376 --> 01:15:38,083
- Bruce, Dougie's in hospital.
- And?

1071
01:15:38,084 --> 01:15:40,250
He tried to kill himself.

1072
01:15:40,251 --> 01:15:42,193
Slashed his wrists.

1073
01:15:44,501 --> 01:15:46,000
He found out about us, Bruce.

1074
01:15:46,001 --> 01:15:48,458
Couldn't take the humiliation of that
and getting suspended.

1075
01:15:48,459 --> 01:15:50,167
How's that my fault? That's all your fault!

1076
01:15:50,168 --> 01:15:54,292
My God, this place fucking stinks.

1077
01:15:54,293 --> 01:15:55,917
I just need you to fucking leave!

1078
01:15:55,918 --> 01:15:57,208
- Come on.
- No, no, no.

1079
01:15:57,209 --> 01:15:59,417
- I wanna turn off the gas for you.
- Chrissie, don't. Chrissie.

1080
01:15:59,418 --> 01:16:02,984
- I wanna turn off the gas for you.
- Chrissie, I need you to leave!

1081
01:16:06,793 --> 01:16:10,083
Come on!
I wanna turn off the fucking gas for you!

1082
01:16:10,084 --> 01:16:12,193
Fucking...

1083
01:16:12,709 --> 01:16:17,667
Come on, get fucking hard, you silly wee poof!
Come on, get it in!

1084
01:16:17,668 --> 01:16:20,193
Fuck me with that mouse's cock.

1085
01:16:30,709 --> 01:16:34,693
What's wrong?
You're crying like a wee laddie.

1086
01:16:36,376 --> 01:16:39,859
You're no fun any more, Bruce.
You know that?

1087
01:16:40,668 --> 01:16:42,375
I'm not well.

1088
01:16:42,376 --> 01:16:44,901
What's wrong with you, man?

1089
01:16:46,918 --> 01:16:49,318
I hear voices, Chrissie.

1090
01:16:51,001 --> 01:16:54,901
I see things, all the time.

1091
01:16:56,793 --> 01:16:59,000
Do you ever hear them?

1092
01:16:59,001 --> 01:17:01,500
What are you on about?

1093
01:17:01,501 --> 01:17:05,193
Whatever it is you're taking,
you wanna lay off it.

1094
01:17:05,793 --> 01:17:09,693
Life's cruel, Bruce. Life's cruel.

1095
01:17:20,209 --> 01:17:25,692
<i>People ask me, "Carole, how do you
and Bruce keep the spice in your marriage?"</i>

1096
01:17:26,293 --> 01:17:30,000
<i>Well,
I tell them it's really simple.</i>

1097
01:17:30,001 --> 01:17:33,401
<i>- I'm just the ultimate tease.
- "I'm just the ultimate tease.</i>"

1098
01:17:33,709 --> 01:17:36,875
<i>"Me and Bruce, we're not that different."</i>

1099
01:17:36,876 --> 01:17:38,583
<i>"We know what we want."</i>

1100
01:17:38,584 --> 01:17:40,500
<i>"We know how to get it."</i>

1101
01:17:40,501 --> 01:17:44,583
<i>"Like this promotion he's going for.
We both know he'll win."</i>

1102
01:17:44,584 --> 01:17:46,417
<i>"And when he does,"</i>

1103
01:17:46,418 --> 01:17:51,234
<i>"the Robertson household is going
to be one big happy family again."</i>

1104
01:17:52,501 --> 01:17:54,693
<i>"I kid you not."</i>

1105
01:18:10,001 --> 01:18:12,234
You coming for a wee ride, sweetheart?

1106
01:18:24,459 --> 01:18:29,943
I knew I'd seen you before.
The fucking freak from the tunnel.

1107
01:18:50,293 --> 01:18:52,417
You are a sick fairy.

1108
01:18:52,418 --> 01:18:55,500
My husband
is Detective Sergeant Bruce Robertson.

1109
01:19:36,293 --> 01:19:38,917
We have to go
all the way with this pig.

1110
01:19:38,918 --> 01:19:40,875
You know what that means, Ocky?

1111
01:19:40,876 --> 01:19:44,776
Hey, hold on, hold on, hold on, right.
Wait a minute.

1112
01:19:45,126 --> 01:19:47,401
You can't waste a cop, man.

1113
01:19:49,793 --> 01:19:52,776
You never said you were gonnae...

1114
01:19:53,376 --> 01:19:56,276
- Fuck.
- He saw us do the gook, for fuck's sake!

1115
01:19:58,709 --> 01:20:01,318
But dead cunts tell no tales.

1116
01:20:03,209 --> 01:20:07,208
We can torch the place with the pig in it.
Or what's left of him.

1117
01:20:07,209 --> 01:20:10,026
Smokey bacon, man.

1118
01:20:12,918 --> 01:20:15,318
Get your fucking hands off her stuff!

1119
01:20:16,418 --> 01:20:17,792
You fucking die.

1120
01:20:19,626 --> 01:20:23,568
I want to hear you squeal,
like the fucking pig you are.

1121
01:20:26,126 --> 01:20:27,292
Get fucking out.

1122
01:20:27,293 --> 01:20:30,609
Don't you leave!
Don't you fucking leave!

1123
01:20:30,709 --> 01:20:32,859
Don't you leave this fucking room!

1124
01:20:33,418 --> 01:20:35,734
Don't you fucking close that door! Fuck!

1125
01:20:36,001 --> 01:20:38,526
Why didn't you arrest us
when you had the chance?

1126
01:20:39,376 --> 01:20:42,625
Scared they'd find out
you're a fucking queer?

1127
01:20:42,626 --> 01:20:44,792
- Just you and me, Detective.
- No!

1128
01:20:44,793 --> 01:20:46,359
No!

1129
01:21:13,334 --> 01:21:17,734
You see, I've always hated you fucking pigs.

1130
01:21:19,626 --> 01:21:24,401
But not in the normal way your average
low-life scum like me hates them.

1131
01:21:25,709 --> 01:21:28,667
You see, I've always hated them
in a special way.

1132
01:21:31,418 --> 01:21:35,318
But you... You're different, sweetheart.

1133
01:21:36,709 --> 01:21:40,109
I'll make an honest woman of you yet.

1134
01:21:50,918 --> 01:21:52,818
You thought you could take me, eh?

1135
01:21:53,584 --> 01:21:55,500
You sick,

1136
01:21:55,501 --> 01:21:58,318
sexy, wee pansy.

1137
01:23:03,918 --> 01:23:07,734
You really fucked up this time,
didn't you, Bruce?

1138
01:23:15,709 --> 01:23:18,026
Ambulance is on the way, Bruce.

1139
01:23:18,834 --> 01:23:20,734
Don't go.

1140
01:23:21,709 --> 01:23:23,984
Don't go, brother.

1141
01:23:30,584 --> 01:23:34,609
I just wanted to keep her
close to me, you know?

1142
01:23:58,751 --> 01:24:01,776
Might not seem appropriate, but...

1143
01:24:02,834 --> 01:24:05,333
Happy New Year, Robbo.

1144
01:24:05,334 --> 01:24:07,234
Aye, happy New Year.

1145
01:24:09,876 --> 01:24:12,068
Listen, Bruce, um...

1146
01:24:12,918 --> 01:24:17,276
We obviously had to withdraw
your application for the promotion.

1147
01:24:19,043 --> 01:24:21,859
Now is not the right time
for you to meet the board.

1148
01:24:23,168 --> 01:24:25,151
You see that, right?

1149
01:24:25,751 --> 01:24:27,458
Aye.

1150
01:24:27,459 --> 01:24:30,042
And you're back in uniform, Bruce.

1151
01:24:30,043 --> 01:24:32,109
It is a demotion.

1152
01:24:34,251 --> 01:24:37,667
Of course, Bruce, I don't need to tell you
that obviously I was chuffed

1153
01:24:37,668 --> 01:24:39,443
about the promotion.

1154
01:24:39,793 --> 01:24:42,734
But it has been
a bittersweet experience for me.

1155
01:24:43,168 --> 01:24:47,651
If you hadn't had the...
the issues you've been having,

1156
01:24:48,543 --> 01:24:50,167
I'm sure you would have walked it.

1157
01:24:50,168 --> 01:24:52,568
- Aye.
- Aye.

1158
01:24:52,709 --> 01:24:56,818
I suppose everybody feels like this
when they actually get a promotion.

1159
01:24:57,418 --> 01:25:01,276
You know, how best to work
with old mates and all that.

1160
01:25:01,626 --> 01:25:04,609
Your methods and mine are very different.

1161
01:25:04,751 --> 01:25:06,750
And I know we've pulled
some stuff in the past,

1162
01:25:06,751 --> 01:25:10,818
but all the coke and the hookers and stuff...

1163
01:25:11,751 --> 01:25:14,818
- That's <i>finito</i> now.
- Aye.

1164
01:25:15,168 --> 01:25:17,818
You understand, little piggy?

1165
01:25:20,168 --> 01:25:21,833
No hard feelings, eh?

1166
01:25:21,834 --> 01:25:25,234
No hard feelings, pal. Same rules apply.

1167
01:25:28,043 --> 01:25:30,151
Oh, by the way...

1168
01:25:32,459 --> 01:25:34,958
I saw your wee speccy mate Bladesey
down the Lodge.

1169
01:25:34,959 --> 01:25:37,776
The old phantom phone-caller, eh?

1170
01:25:38,168 --> 01:25:41,769
We told the sick bastard he's not welcome
at the Craft if he keeps that shite up.

1171
01:25:43,168 --> 01:25:45,151
See you later, then...

1172
01:25:45,543 --> 01:25:46,984
Frank.

1173
01:26:27,334 --> 01:26:29,234
No, don't...

1174
01:26:32,543 --> 01:26:36,250
OK, let's go...
Let's get out of here.

1175
01:26:36,251 --> 01:26:37,943
Stacey!

1176
01:26:39,959 --> 01:26:41,568
St...

1177
01:26:44,251 --> 01:26:46,193
- Hey.

1178
01:26:46,209 --> 01:26:48,109
Oh, shit.

1179
01:26:50,626 --> 01:26:52,984
I'm really sorry for startling you...

1180
01:26:54,959 --> 01:26:56,833
No, it's...

1181
01:26:56,834 --> 01:26:58,875
It's OK. It's...

1182
01:26:58,876 --> 01:27:00,859
It's OK.

1183
01:27:00,959 --> 01:27:03,542
- Are you all right?
- Uh-huh.

1184
01:27:03,543 --> 01:27:07,026
- You look a bit...
- Hmm?

1185
01:27:07,751 --> 01:27:10,151
Ah, I'm just, um...

1186
01:27:13,959 --> 01:27:15,417
I'm just undercover.

1187
01:27:15,418 --> 01:27:17,943
I'm on, um, stakeout and...

1188
01:27:18,543 --> 01:27:21,042
You see, there's some really shifty-looking
characters in here tonight

1189
01:27:21,043 --> 01:27:23,359
and I'm just trying to blend in.

1190
01:27:24,043 --> 01:27:28,458
- Come on, Mummy, I'm hungry.
- I better get him home for his dinner.

1191
01:27:28,459 --> 01:27:30,568
Aye, right, of course.

1192
01:27:31,459 --> 01:27:33,818
- I'll see you around, then.
- Don't leave.

1193
01:28:01,459 --> 01:28:06,167
<i>Hi, Detective Robertson, it's Mary here.</i>

1194
01:28:06,168 --> 01:28:10,026
<i>Sorry, I know it's probably
none of my business, but...</i>

1195
01:28:13,334 --> 01:28:16,542
<i>Look, um, I was just thinking that maybe</i>

1196
01:28:16,543 --> 01:28:19,359
<i>me and Euan could pop round
on our way to the park.</i>

1197
01:29:13,626 --> 01:29:15,568
<i>Right. Bladesey.</i>

1198
01:29:16,376 --> 01:29:19,859
<i>Uh, first things first.</i>

1199
01:29:24,626 --> 01:29:27,250
<i>You've really got to get rid
of the double glazing, pal.</i>

1200
01:29:27,251 --> 01:29:31,542
<i>Get yourself contact lenses or something,
laser eye treatment</i>

1201
01:29:31,543 --> 01:29:35,318
<i>cos nobody's ever gonna take you seriously
staring through those thick milk bottles.</i>

1202
01:29:38,043 --> 01:29:42,042
<i>Second thing is,
you've really got to try and toughen up.</i>

1203
01:29:42,043 --> 01:29:44,526
<i>Right, you're a nice guy.</i>

1204
01:29:44,918 --> 01:29:47,568
<i>But you're very soft.</i>

1205
01:29:48,751 --> 01:29:52,875
<i>Truth is, people are just as scared
of the world as you are.</i>

1206
01:29:52,876 --> 01:29:55,443
<i>I'm scared of the world.</i>

1207
01:29:56,251 --> 01:29:59,651
<i>I just don't let people see it, that's all.</i>

1208
01:30:00,668 --> 01:30:03,167
<i>And that's what the games are.</i>

1209
01:30:03,168 --> 01:30:06,193
<i>I kid you not, my sweet, sweet friend.</i>

1210
01:30:07,751 --> 01:30:10,151
<i>You're my best friend.</i>

1211
01:30:11,626 --> 01:30:13,943
<i>My only friend.</i>

1212
01:30:18,168 --> 01:30:20,250
<i>Most important thing is this, though.</i>

1213
01:30:20,251 --> 01:30:23,375
<i>You've got to make Bunty want you again.</i>

1214
01:30:23,376 --> 01:30:25,958
<i>You'll probably find
that she does actually like you</i>

1215
01:30:25,959 --> 01:30:29,901
<i>if you just asserted yourself
a wee bit more.</i>

1216
01:30:30,168 --> 01:30:33,750
<i>You know, you show her passion
and she will run to you.</i>

1217
01:30:33,751 --> 01:30:37,026
<i>She will love you until the day you die.</i>

1218
01:30:38,918 --> 01:30:43,458
<i>I may not be the one
to be giving marriage counselling,</i>

1219
01:30:43,459 --> 01:30:47,818
<i>but sometimes it takes a wrongdoer
to show you when you're doing wrong.</i>

1220
01:30:48,751 --> 01:30:50,859
<i>I'm sorry, Bladesey.</i>

1221
01:30:52,626 --> 01:30:54,568
<i>Really sorry, pal.</i>

1222
01:31:01,959 --> 01:31:03,859
Bunty!

1223
01:31:49,334 --> 01:31:51,568
Same rules apply.