1
00:00:01,368 --> 00:00:04,370
[rock music]

2
00:00:04,437 --> 00:00:12,211
 

3
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[cheers and applause]

4
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- THANK YOU...

5
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SAN FRANCISCO.

6
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ALL RIGHT,
YOU'RE RUINING THE SHOW.

7
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[cheers and applause continue]

8
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THANK YOU...

9
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FOR CLAPPING
FOR WHAT MY PARENTS

10
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ARE ASHAMED OF.

11
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OH, SAN FRANCISCO.

12
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YES.
[cheers and applause]

13
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OH...

14
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MY THIRD FAVORITE CITY
TO DO COMEDY IN.

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HUH?
THAT'S NOT BAD, RIGHT?

16
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TOP TEN.

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CONGRATULATIONS.

18
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AW, MORE BUTT[bleep]
PER SQUARE FOOT

19
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THAN IN ANY PLACE
IN THE WORLD.

20
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THAT'S YOU GUYS.
THAT'S YOU.

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[cheers and applause]

22
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PUT THAT ON YOUR POSTCARDS.

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"SAN FRANCISCO:

24
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"MORE BUTT[bleep]
PER SQUARE FOOT.

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MISS YOU."

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ALL RIGHT.

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IF I OFFEND ANYBODY TONIGHT,
I APOLOGIZE.

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THAT'S NOT MY INTENTION.

29
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I'M NOT GONNA GUESS WHAT YOUR
PERSONAL LINE OF DECENCY IS.

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I CROSS MY OWN
FROM TIME TO TIME.

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IT'S HOW I KNOW
I STILL HAVE ONE.

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ALL RIGHT.

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I HAVE NO PROBLEM
WITH ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION

34
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IN THIS COUNTRY
EXCEPT FOR THE FACT

35
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THAT THEY DON'T SERVE
ON JURY DUTY.

36
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THAT'S HORSE [bleep].

37
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IT SHOULD BE
THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

38
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THEY SHOULD SERVE EXCLUSIVELY
ON JURY DUTY.

39
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YEAH.

40
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[cheers and applause]

41
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THEN IT FINALLY WOULD BE
A JURY OF ONE'S OWN PEERS.

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[crowd groaning]

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[laughter and applause]

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IT'S NOT A STEREOTYPE
IF IT'S ALWAYS TRUE.

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YEAH, THEN IT BECOMES LAW.

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THAT JOKE IS CALLED
"LATINOS ARE CRIMINALS."

47
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THAT'S JUST THE TITLE.

48
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IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

49
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SOMETIMES BEFORE
I WALK ON STAGE,

50
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MY GIRLFRIEND MIGHT SAY,
"HAVE A GOOD SHOW. BREAK A LEG."

51
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THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID
TO ME A FEW WEEKS AGO

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RIGHT BEFORE I WALKED
ON STAGE.

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SHE GOES, "HEY, YOU EVER WORRY
ABOUT GETTING SHOT

54
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WHEN YOU'RE OUT THERE?"

55
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I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL
IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

56
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SHE FOLLOWED IT WITH,
"YOU SHOULD MOVE AROUND MORE."

57
00:03:01,047 --> 00:03:03,682
UH, YOU SHOULD GO BACK
TO READING YOUR VAMPIRE BOOKS.

58
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[laughter and cheers]

59
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I SHOULD MOVE AROUND MORE?

60
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AS IF A SNIPER
WOULD GET FRUSTRATED.

61
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LIKE...

62
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"I CAN'T KEEP UP.
HE LIVES."

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A LOT OF TIMES, PEOPLE COMPLAIN
THAT THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER

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TAKES TOO LONG TO GET READY
TO GO OUT AT NIGHT.

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I'VE NEVER HAD THAT COMPLAINT.

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AND I THINK IT'S BECAUSE
I NEVER WANT TO GO ANYWHERE.

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SO I COULD CARE LESS HOW LONG
IT TAKES HER TO GET READY.

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THAT'S JUST LESS TIME
I HAVE TO SPEND

69
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WITH HER HORRIBLE FRIENDS
PRETENDING

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THAT I DON'T WANT
TO KILL MYSELF.

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YEAH.
[cheers and applause]

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SHE'LL TAKE AN HOUR AND A HALF
TO GET READY,

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COME DOWN AND BE LIKE,
"OH, MY GOODNESS.

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YOU ARE SO PATIENT."

75
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AND I'LL BE LIKE, "FOR WHAT?
YOU LOOK DISGUSTING."

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RIGHT? YEAH.

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NOW SHE'S CRYING.
WHATEVER.

78
00:03:53,266 --> 00:03:56,068
I BOUGHT MYSELF AN EXTRA
TWO HOURS TO WATCH THE GAME.

79
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YEAH.
YEAH.

80
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IT'S NOT LIKE
SHE'S GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME.

81
00:03:59,038 --> 00:04:00,439
SHE'S TEN YEARS YOUNGER.

82
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SHE'S ONE OPINION AWAY
FROM BEING REPLACED.

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I CAN SAY THAT.
I HAVE A TELEVISION SHOW.

84
00:04:08,648 --> 00:04:09,781
YEAH.

85
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THE POWER IN OUR HOUSEHOLD

86
00:04:11,150 --> 00:04:14,486
HAS SHIFTED DRAMATICALLY.

87
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NOW, IF YOU'RE FOLLOWING ME
ON TWITTER,

88
00:04:16,990 --> 00:04:20,892
YOU KNOW
I HAD DIARRHEA TODAY.

89
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:25,097
AM I USING THAT WEBSITE
PROPERLY?

90
00:04:25,164 --> 00:04:29,968
SOMETIMES I LIKE TO SIT
ON THE TOILET IN REVERSE.

91
00:04:30,036 --> 00:04:33,272
"WE'RE LISTENING."

92
00:04:33,339 --> 00:04:34,873
IT'S NICE, RIGHT?
YOU CAN TURN AROUND.

93
00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:36,508
YOU CAN LEAN ON THE TANK.

94
00:04:36,576 --> 00:04:40,045
I'M GONNA BE HERE FOR A WHILE.

95
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,513
YEAH, THE PEOPLE THAT ARE
CLAPPING RIGHT NOW,

96
00:04:41,581 --> 00:04:43,215
THEY'RE THE ONES LIKE,
"OKAY, ALL KIDDING ASIDE,

97
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,217
"HE IS A GENIUS.

98
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,519
"NO, NO, NO, NO.
IT'S THE SIMPLICITY.

99
00:04:47,587 --> 00:04:49,221
"I'VE BEEN SITTING
ON THAT THING MY WHOLE LIFE.

100
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:50,489
"YOU'RE TELLING ME
I COULD TURN AROUND,

101
00:04:50,556 --> 00:04:52,991
"HAVE A BOWL OF CEREAL,
YEAH?

102
00:04:53,059 --> 00:04:55,294
"SET THE ALARM
TEN MINUTES LATER.

103
00:04:55,361 --> 00:04:58,997
MULTITASK."

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ALL RIGHT, NOBODY SHOULD EAT
WHILE ON THE TOILET.

105
00:05:01,768 --> 00:05:03,935
"BUT I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT,
AND I'VE ALWAYS WANTED

106
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TO ENJOY A BOWL OF PUFFINS
WITH WHOLE MILK."

107
00:05:08,174 --> 00:05:09,708
THAT'S MORE
OF AN ALMOND MILK CEREAL,

108
00:05:09,776 --> 00:05:11,977
BUT LIVE YOUR DREAM.

109
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SOMEBODY EMAILED ME,
AND THEY'RE LIKE,

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"HEY, DIP[bleep]--"

111
00:05:18,184 --> 00:05:20,018
WHICH, FOR THE RECORD,
IS A WONDERFUL SUBJECT LINE

112
00:05:20,086 --> 00:05:22,120
IF YOU EVER WANT ME
TO READ YOUR EMAILS.

113
00:05:22,188 --> 00:05:25,257
OH, LET'S SEE WHAT
THIS NICE FAN HAS TO SAY.

114
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:28,760
YOU HAD ME AT "HELLO."

115
00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:30,395
THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU KNOW YOU HAVE
TO TAKE YOUR PANTS

116
00:05:30,463 --> 00:05:33,065
COMPLETELY OFF TO SIT
ON THE TOILET BACKWARDS?"

117
00:05:33,132 --> 00:05:36,101
[laughter]

118
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,704
TOUCHE.

119
00:05:38,771 --> 00:05:40,739
ALL RIGHT,
SO I DON'T RESEARCH.

120
00:05:40,807 --> 00:05:43,275
IT'S A PRE-SHOWER [bleep],
AGREED?

121
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:48,013
CAN WE MOVE ON,
STICKLERS TO EVERY JOKE DETAIL?

122
00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:49,614
YOU EVER HAVE
A POST-SHOWER [bleep]?

123
00:05:49,682 --> 00:05:51,049
OH, MIGHT AS WELL
GO BACK TO BED

124
00:05:51,117 --> 00:05:53,151
AND START
YOUR WHOLE DAY OVER.

125
00:05:53,219 --> 00:05:54,953
THINGS ARE WRONG.

126
00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:56,288
THAT'S NOT
THE ORDER OF EVENTS.

127
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:57,756
THERE'S A GLITCH
IN THE MATRIX.

128
00:05:57,824 --> 00:05:59,991
THIS WORLD'S NOT REAL.
MOM!

129
00:06:00,059 --> 00:06:01,893
WIPE ME!

130
00:06:01,961 --> 00:06:05,831
[laughter and cheers]

131
00:06:05,898 --> 00:06:10,769
I RECENTLY STARTED FLAT-IRONING
MY BALL HAIR.

132
00:06:10,837 --> 00:06:12,337
COME ON, LADIES.
YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

133
00:06:12,405 --> 00:06:15,707
IF YOU HAVE CURLY HAIR,
YOU JUST WANT STRAIGHT HAIR.

134
00:06:15,775 --> 00:06:17,275
SO NOW WHEN PEOPLE
SEE MY BALLS,

135
00:06:17,343 --> 00:06:18,443
IT'S LIKE,
"OH, MY GOODNESS.

136
00:06:18,511 --> 00:06:21,113
"THAT LOOKS REALLY,
REALLY GOOD.

137
00:06:21,180 --> 00:06:22,748
ISN'T THAT DAMAGING
TO THE HAIR?"

138
00:06:22,815 --> 00:06:25,584
AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH,
BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?"

139
00:06:25,651 --> 00:06:27,052
I WISH VICTORIA BECKHAM
WOULD KNOCK IT OFF

140
00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:28,253
WITH ALL THE CUTE DOS.

141
00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:29,788
I CAN'T KEEP UP.

142
00:06:29,856 --> 00:06:32,491
MY BALLS STILL
HAVE THE '06 POSH.

143
00:06:32,558 --> 00:06:35,927
REMEMBER THAT LITTLE
TRENDY LITTLE CUT?

144
00:06:35,995 --> 00:06:38,363
POSH SPICE?

145
00:06:38,431 --> 00:06:42,134
LOOKS LIKE MY TESTICLES.

146
00:06:42,201 --> 00:06:45,470
OKAY?

147
00:06:45,538 --> 00:06:46,872
AM I THE ONLY PERSON
THAT HOPES DAVID BECKHAM

148
00:06:46,939 --> 00:06:49,808
HAS SEX WITH BRAD PITT?

149
00:06:49,876 --> 00:06:51,977
I DON'T KNOW WHO'S IN CHARGE
OF CASTING IN HOLLYWOOD,

150
00:06:52,044 --> 00:06:53,211
BUT MAKE IT HAPPEN
BEFORE ONE OF THEM'S

151
00:06:53,279 --> 00:06:55,847
OUT OF THEIR PRIME.

152
00:06:55,915 --> 00:06:58,683
CAN YOU IMAGINE THOSE TWO MEN
TOGETHER MAKING LOVE?

153
00:06:58,751 --> 00:07:01,153
OH.

154
00:07:01,220 --> 00:07:03,655
IF THERE'S A MAN
IN HERE THAT'S JUNK

155
00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:06,992
DOESN'T WIGGLE JUST A LITTLE BIT
AT THE THOUGHT

156
00:07:07,059 --> 00:07:08,727
OF THOSE TWO MEN TOGETHER--

157
00:07:08,795 --> 00:07:10,228
THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO

158
00:07:10,296 --> 00:07:12,030
WITH YOUR HOMOPHOBIC
SEXUAL PREFERENCE.

159
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:15,434
AT THAT LEVEL, IT'S ART,
YOU MONKEY, OKAY?

160
00:07:15,501 --> 00:07:19,204
YOU SHOULD BE HONORED THAT
YOU SHARE THE SAME RESTROOM

161
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:22,107
WITH THOSE GREEK GODS.

162
00:07:22,175 --> 00:07:24,009
CAN YOU IMAGINE
IF THEY HAD A CHILD?

163
00:07:24,076 --> 00:07:26,011
¶ AHH ¶

164
00:07:26,078 --> 00:07:28,647
WAS THAT SIMBA?

165
00:07:28,714 --> 00:07:29,748
WHAT THE [bleep]?

166
00:07:29,816 --> 00:07:31,783
WAS THAT SIMBA?

167
00:07:31,851 --> 00:07:33,985
THAT'S THE BECKHAM-PITT KID?

168
00:07:34,053 --> 00:07:38,623
THAT'S "PITTKHAM"?

169
00:07:38,691 --> 00:07:43,562
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CHILD
THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN.

170
00:07:43,629 --> 00:07:48,667
PICTURE BABY JESUS
WITH BETTER ABS.

171
00:07:48,734 --> 00:07:51,303
THAT'S A GOOD-LOOKING BABY.

172
00:07:51,370 --> 00:07:53,472
IF THEY HAD
A BABY ABERCROMBIE STORE,

173
00:07:53,539 --> 00:07:55,507
THEY'D HIRE HIM TO WORK
THE FRONT DOOR, RIGHT?

174
00:07:55,575 --> 00:07:57,676
JUST STANDIN' THERE SHIRTLESS,
PROPPED UP.

175
00:07:57,743 --> 00:07:59,744
HE CAN'T STAND YET.
JUST LEANING AGAINST THE WALL.

176
00:07:59,812 --> 00:08:02,013
BIG POSTER,
BIG POSTER OF HIMSELF

177
00:08:02,081 --> 00:08:03,949
JUST STANDING
IN LITTLE TIGHT PAMPERS.

178
00:08:04,016 --> 00:08:05,584
AND YOU'D WALK IN,
AND YOU'D BE LIKE,

179
00:08:05,651 --> 00:08:06,918
"I DON'T WANT TO SAY THIS,

180
00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:09,721
BUT I WANT TO [bleep]
THAT BABY."

181
00:08:09,789 --> 00:08:13,124
OH, MAN!
DO I WANT TO [bleep] THAT BABY!

182
00:08:13,192 --> 00:08:15,727
IF I HAD THREE WISHES,

183
00:08:15,795 --> 00:08:17,429
TWO OF 'EM WOULD BE
TO [bleep] THAT BABY

184
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:20,365
AND ONE WOULD BE
FOR MORE WISHES.

185
00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:21,700
"WELL, YOU CAN'T DO THAT."

186
00:08:21,767 --> 00:08:23,268
THEN I WANT TO [bleep] THE BABY
A THIRD TIME.

187
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:26,104
I WOULD LIKE TO USE
ALL THREE WISHES

188
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:30,575
BANGING THAT BABY.

189
00:08:30,643 --> 00:08:33,211
GO AHEAD, DUMB PEOPLE,
BE OFFENDED BY A JOKE

190
00:08:33,279 --> 00:08:36,147
THAT DOESN'T HAVE
A PLAUSIBLE PREMISE.

191
00:08:36,215 --> 00:08:39,684
OH, I'D LOVE TO READ
YOUR EMAIL.

192
00:08:39,752 --> 00:08:43,154
"I FELT YOU WENT
OVER THE LINE A BIT

193
00:08:43,222 --> 00:08:45,423
"WHEN YOU THEORETICALLY
WANTED TO FORNICATE

194
00:08:45,491 --> 00:08:48,860
WITH A MYTHICAL CHILD."

195
00:08:48,928 --> 00:08:50,529
[laughter and applause]

196
00:08:52,298 --> 00:08:55,700
[cheers and applause]

197
00:08:55,768 --> 00:08:57,936
- HEADS UP, MORMONS,
THIS JOKE'S GONNA STING.

198
00:08:58,004 --> 00:09:02,173
[laughter]

199
00:09:02,241 --> 00:09:04,376
NEXT TIME A GOLDEN PLATE FALLS
FROM THE HEAVENS,

200
00:09:04,443 --> 00:09:07,279
GO AHEAD AND PUT IT
IN YOUR SPAM FILE.

201
00:09:07,346 --> 00:09:09,281
LET'S NOT BASE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE
ON A RELIGION

202
00:09:09,348 --> 00:09:10,916
THAT'S OLD ENOUGH
FOR MY DAD TO BE LIKE,

203
00:09:10,983 --> 00:09:14,519
"OH, YEAH.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.

204
00:09:14,587 --> 00:09:17,222
"UH, THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

205
00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:19,157
"I DON'T KNOW WHY
THEY'RE WEARING THEIR PAJAMAS

206
00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:21,059
"UNDER THEIR CLOTHES.

207
00:09:21,127 --> 00:09:25,997
I ASSUME THEIR GOD WANTS THEM
TO BE COMFY."

208
00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:29,167
THE MORMON CHURCH SPENT
$20 MILLION

209
00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:31,503
LAST YEAR IN THE STATE
OF CALIFORNIA

210
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:34,105
MAKING SURE QUEERS
DIDN'T LEGALLY GET MARRIED--

211
00:09:34,173 --> 00:09:35,907
SUCCESSFULLY, I MIGHT ADD.

212
00:09:35,975 --> 00:09:38,810
SO I GUESS WE'RE NOT AS LIBERAL
AS WE ALL THOUGHT.

213
00:09:38,878 --> 00:09:42,113
AND THIS IS WHAT I SAY
TO THE MOST CONSERVATIVE PERSON

214
00:09:42,181 --> 00:09:45,884
THAT'S SO TERRIFIED
OF GAY MARRIAGE BECOMING LEGAL.

215
00:09:45,952 --> 00:09:47,852
JUST BECAUSE THE STATE
SAYS IT'S LEGAL,

216
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:51,990
IT'S NOT LIKE GOD'S GONNA
LET 'EM INTO HEAVEN.

217
00:09:52,058 --> 00:09:53,258
OKAY?

218
00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:56,728
SO YOU CAN STILL SLEEP SOUND
EVERY NIGHT

219
00:09:56,796 --> 00:09:58,730
KNOWING THAT
GOAL LINE DEFENSE

220
00:09:58,798 --> 00:10:01,066
IS UP AT THE PEARLY GATES
JUST GOING,

221
00:10:01,133 --> 00:10:03,301
"YEAH.
[cheers and applause]

222
00:10:03,369 --> 00:10:05,804
YOU'RE NOT GETTING
IN HERE, [bleep]!"

223
00:10:05,871 --> 00:10:07,205
[grunts]

224
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:09,541
[laughter and applause]

225
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,176
DO YOU REMEMBER
THE COMMERCIALS THEY RAN?

226
00:10:11,243 --> 00:10:13,612
IT WAS A LITTLE GIRL THAT CAME
RUNNING HOME FROM SCHOOL,

227
00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:15,413
UH, AND, UH,
SHE'D BE LIKE, "MOMMY,

228
00:10:15,481 --> 00:10:17,349
"MOMMY, MOMMY, THE TEACHER SAID
WHEN I GET OLDER

229
00:10:17,416 --> 00:10:19,250
I CAN MARRY A PRINCESS
IF I WANT TO."

230
00:10:19,318 --> 00:10:20,485
AND THEY'RE LIKE,
"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO

231
00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:22,687
WHEN YOUR KID SAYS THAT?"

232
00:10:22,755 --> 00:10:24,155
[laughter]

233
00:10:24,223 --> 00:10:25,490
AND EVERY PARENT IN CALIFORNIA
IS LIKE,

234
00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:27,258
"WHOA, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
TALK TO OUR KIDS?

235
00:10:27,326 --> 00:10:29,527
SORRY, QUEERS.
NOPE."

236
00:10:29,595 --> 00:10:30,862
YEAH.

237
00:10:30,930 --> 00:10:32,864
THAT'S ESPERANZA'S JOB.

238
00:10:32,932 --> 00:10:35,233
[cheers and applause]

239
00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:37,168
SO I WANNA HIRE
THE SAME LITTLE GIRL

240
00:10:37,236 --> 00:10:39,738
TO DO COMMERCIALS FOR ME
IN THE STATE OF UTAH,

241
00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:41,339
AND I WANT HER TO COME
RUNNING HOME AND BE LIKE,

242
00:10:41,407 --> 00:10:42,874
"MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY,

243
00:10:42,942 --> 00:10:45,677
HOW COME YOU'RE
NINE YEARS OLDER THAN ME?"

244
00:10:45,745 --> 00:10:47,078
YEAH.

245
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:49,781
BECAUSE WE LEARNED MATH,
AND THIS DOESN'T ADD UP.

246
00:10:49,849 --> 00:10:52,183
"MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY,
MOMMY--"

247
00:10:52,251 --> 00:10:55,687
SHE'S CALLING OUT
TO ALL OF HER MOTHERS.

248
00:10:55,755 --> 00:10:57,255
AND THEY START COMING
OUT OF THE CABINETS

249
00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:59,391
<i>IN THEIR LITTLE HOUSE ON
THE PRAIRIE OUTFITS</i>

250
00:10:59,458 --> 00:11:02,293
TRYING TO EXPLAIN
HOW OPEN-MINDED THEY REALLY ARE.

251
00:11:02,361 --> 00:11:04,729
COMPARED TO WHO,
THE AMISH?

252
00:11:04,797 --> 00:11:07,732
AM I THE ONLY PERSON
THAT BLAMES GLOBAL WARMING

253
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:10,201
ENTIRELY ON THE AMISH?

254
00:11:10,269 --> 00:11:14,239
[laughter]

255
00:11:14,306 --> 00:11:16,608
ARE THEY NOT
A CONSTANT REMINDER

256
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,376
OF HOW AWFUL LIFE WOULD BE

257
00:11:18,444 --> 00:11:20,712
WITHOUT ALL THIS
GREAT TECHNOLOGY?

258
00:11:20,780 --> 00:11:22,681
EVERY TIME I WANNA CUT BACK
AND CONSERVE

259
00:11:22,748 --> 00:11:24,716
ON NATURAL RESOURCES,
I JUST LOOK AT THE AMISH

260
00:11:24,784 --> 00:11:27,519
AND I'M LIKE,
"HO, HO, [bleep] THAT.

261
00:11:27,586 --> 00:11:30,121
FILL IT UP. FILL IT UP."

262
00:11:30,189 --> 00:11:31,423
NO, NO.

263
00:11:31,490 --> 00:11:33,124
I'M NOT GONNA RIDE AROUND
IN A BUGGY.

264
00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:35,760
IT'S BAD ENOUGH I HAVE
A FOUR-CYLINDER.

265
00:11:35,828 --> 00:11:40,298
BUT I WOULD LIKE
A FIRELESS FIREPLACE.

266
00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:41,900
I DON'T KNOW
HOW YOU DID IT, AMISH.

267
00:11:41,967 --> 00:11:43,601
APPARENTLY, YOU PARTNERED UP
WITH THE WICCANS

268
00:11:43,669 --> 00:11:45,303
BECAUSE THAT IS MAGICAL.

269
00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:48,440
[laughter]

270
00:11:48,507 --> 00:11:50,275
YOU KNOW THE ECONOMY'S
IN THE TOILET

271
00:11:50,342 --> 00:11:53,545
WHEN THE AMISH CAN AFFORD
FULL-PAGE ADS IN EVERY PAPER.

272
00:11:53,612 --> 00:11:57,716
APPARENTLY,
BUTTER IS RECESSION-PROOF.

273
00:11:57,783 --> 00:12:00,185
DOES ANYONE IN HERE KNOW WHAT
I'M EVEN TALKING ABOUT

274
00:12:00,252 --> 00:12:01,720
AT THIS POINT?

275
00:12:01,787 --> 00:12:04,756
THE AMISH,
THEY MAKE THIS FIREPLACE

276
00:12:04,824 --> 00:12:06,191
THAT DOESN'T PLUG IN.

277
00:12:06,258 --> 00:12:08,093
THERE'S NO FIRE,
BUT IT'S PUMPING OUT HEAT.

278
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:09,761
I ASSUME THERE'S
A HAMSTER IN THERE

279
00:12:09,829 --> 00:12:12,664
LOSING HIS MIND.

280
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,833
IT'S NO SNUGGIE,
BUT IT'S A GREAT PRODUCT.

281
00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:17,035
YEAH, SOMEBODY BOUGHT ME
A SNUGGIE AS A JOKE GIFT.

282
00:12:17,103 --> 00:12:19,337
HA, THE JOKE'S ON YOU.
I ENJOY IT.

283
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:20,872
[laughter]

284
00:12:20,940 --> 00:12:22,440
YEAH. HUH.

285
00:12:22,508 --> 00:12:23,975
I TOSS AND TURN AT NIGHT.

286
00:12:24,043 --> 00:12:25,477
FINALLY, A BLANKET
THAT'S LIKE, "NUH-UH,

287
00:12:25,544 --> 00:12:26,811
I'M GONNA KEEP YOU WARM."

288
00:12:26,879 --> 00:12:29,748
[laughter]

289
00:12:29,815 --> 00:12:31,783
IT'S LIKE HAVING
A SMALL CHILD WITH POLIO

290
00:12:31,851 --> 00:12:34,285
KEEP YOU IN A FULL NELSON.

291
00:12:34,353 --> 00:12:35,987
THE PERFECT PRESSURE.

292
00:12:36,055 --> 00:12:38,556
WHAT UPSET ME ABOUT THE GIFT

293
00:12:38,624 --> 00:12:42,260
IS THAT'S ALL I RECEIVED,
WAS ONE SAGE GREEN SNUGGIE,

294
00:12:42,328 --> 00:12:43,695
WHEN, IN FACT, I KNOW IT
COMES WITH TWO SNUGGIES

295
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:44,863
AND TWO BOOK LIGHTS.

296
00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:46,397
THOSE ARE $20 VALUES.

297
00:12:46,465 --> 00:12:49,033
WHERE THE HELL IS
THE REST OF MY GIFT?

298
00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:51,402
YEAH.

299
00:12:51,470 --> 00:12:54,239
YOU HAVE UNTIL CHRISTMAS,
OR I'M COMING TO YOUR HOUSE

300
00:12:54,306 --> 00:12:57,442
AND RIPPING 3/4 OF
YOUR FATHEAD OFF YOUR WALL.

301
00:12:57,510 --> 00:12:59,477
NOT BIG BEN.
YEAH.

302
00:12:59,545 --> 00:13:02,347
BEN SHOULDN'T BE
IN THE BATHROOM WITH ANYONE.

303
00:13:02,414 --> 00:13:05,583
[laughter and applause]

304
00:13:05,651 --> 00:13:08,153
SPEAKING OF QUARTERBACKS,
UH, BRETT FAVRE--

305
00:13:08,220 --> 00:13:11,456
I LOVE THAT EVERYBODY GAVE HIM
SO MUCH GRIEF TO RETIRE.

306
00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:13,158
BRETT FAVRE SHOULD RETIRE.

307
00:13:13,225 --> 00:13:14,793
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

308
00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:19,264
HE MAKES $12 MILLION A YEAR
TO PLAY A GAME.

309
00:13:19,331 --> 00:13:22,267
"YEAH,
I'M GONNA KEEP PLAYING."

310
00:13:22,334 --> 00:13:24,302
"HEY, BRETT, THE WHOLE WORLD
THINKS YOU SHOULD RETIRE."

311
00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:25,937
"YOU SAID $12 MILLION,
RIGHT?

312
00:13:26,005 --> 00:13:28,139
YEAH, THEY CAN GO
[bleep] THEMSELVES."

313
00:13:28,207 --> 00:13:32,076
[laughter and applause]

314
00:13:32,144 --> 00:13:33,378
I WOULD NEVER QUIT,
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

315
00:13:33,445 --> 00:13:34,579
WHAT ABOUT IN FOUR YEARS?

316
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:35,880
HE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH
TO BE A STARTER,

317
00:13:35,948 --> 00:13:37,282
BUT HE COULD BE A BACKUP
IN THE NFL.

318
00:13:37,349 --> 00:13:38,850
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT PAYS?
ABOUT $4 TO $5 MILLION.

319
00:13:38,918 --> 00:13:40,652
"UH, YEP,
I'M GONNA DO THAT."

320
00:13:40,719 --> 00:13:43,087
HOW ABOUT TEN YEARS?
NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE A BACKUP.

321
00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:45,123
BUT HE COULD BE
ON THE PRACTICE SQUAD.

322
00:13:45,191 --> 00:13:47,492
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT PAYS?
ABOUT $850,000.

323
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:50,295
"UH, YEP, I'M GONNA DO THAT
AS WELL.

324
00:13:50,362 --> 00:13:51,663
I'LL PLAY FOREVER."

325
00:13:51,730 --> 00:13:52,997
IT'D MAKE THE GAME
MORE ENJOYABLE

326
00:13:53,065 --> 00:13:54,532
IF PEOPLE WEREN'T ALLOWED
TO RETIRE.

327
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,034
ATHLETES
DON'T WANNA QUIT EITHER.

328
00:13:56,101 --> 00:13:57,802
SEE SOME 70-YEAR-OLD
RETURN A PUNT,

329
00:13:57,870 --> 00:14:00,104
LIKE, "OH..."

330
00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:01,840
HE GETS HIT, HE EXPLODES,

331
00:14:01,907 --> 00:14:04,409
HE DIES ON THE FIELD
WITH SOME HONOR.

332
00:14:04,476 --> 00:14:05,777
YEAH.

333
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:10,081
AND SPORTS NEEDS STEROIDS.

334
00:14:10,149 --> 00:14:11,749
IT DOES.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

335
00:14:11,817 --> 00:14:13,218
OH, BASEBALL, CERTAINLY.

336
00:14:13,285 --> 00:14:16,254
BASEBALL'S A STRIKE AWAY
FROM BEING SOCCER.

337
00:14:16,322 --> 00:14:17,622
YEAH.

338
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:20,058
AND IF YOU LIKE SOCCER,
WELL, WELCOME TO AMERICA.

339
00:14:20,125 --> 00:14:21,860
SEE, OUR COUNTRY
ALREADY HAS ENTERTAINMENT,

340
00:14:21,927 --> 00:14:24,229
SO WATCHING PEOPLE
CHASE A BALL FOR FOUR HOURS

341
00:14:24,296 --> 00:14:26,497
TO END ZERO-ZERO
IS NOT ENJOYABLE

342
00:14:26,565 --> 00:14:28,299
UNLESS, OF COURSE,
THE BLEACHERS COLLAPSE

343
00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:30,768
AND HALF OF EUROPE DIES.

344
00:14:30,836 --> 00:14:32,971
[cheers and applause]

345
00:14:33,038 --> 00:14:34,372
BASEBALL.

346
00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:35,940
NOBODY WANTS TO WATCH
A PITCHING BATTLE EITHER.

347
00:14:36,008 --> 00:14:38,209
LET'S HIT THE BALL DEEP.

348
00:14:38,277 --> 00:14:39,677
DON'T WORRY
ABOUT YOUR RECORDS EITHER.

349
00:14:39,745 --> 00:14:41,512
FOR EVERY SUPERSTAR
THAT HAS DONE STEROIDS,

350
00:14:41,580 --> 00:14:44,082
A BILLION DOUBLE "A" BOYS
HAVE JUICED UP,

351
00:14:44,149 --> 00:14:46,084
SO THE PLAYING FIELD
IS PLENTY EVEN.

352
00:14:46,151 --> 00:14:48,019
WE'LL PUT AN ASTERISK
NEXT TO BARRY BONDS' NAME,

353
00:14:48,087 --> 00:14:49,454
SURE,

354
00:14:49,521 --> 00:14:51,189
AS SOON AS WE PUT ONE
NEXT TO BABE RUTH'S NAME.

355
00:14:51,257 --> 00:14:52,924
GETTING TO BREAK RECORDS
BEFORE BLACK PEOPLE

356
00:14:52,992 --> 00:14:55,460
WERE ALLOWED TO PLAY?

357
00:14:55,527 --> 00:14:57,128
EXCUSE ME?

358
00:14:57,196 --> 00:14:59,197
WHERE IS THAT ASTERISK?

359
00:14:59,265 --> 00:15:01,399
WHY DON'T PEOPLE TALK
ABOUT THAT?

360
00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:03,534
[cheers and applause]

361
00:15:03,602 --> 00:15:04,769
OH.

362
00:15:04,837 --> 00:15:06,671
I'D LOVE TO KNOW
HOW MANY HOMERS

363
00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:08,106
THE BABE WOULD HAVE HIT

364
00:15:08,173 --> 00:15:10,408
HAD C.C. BEEN THROWING HIM
92-MILE-AN-HOUR SLIDERS.

365
00:15:10,476 --> 00:15:11,809
YEAH.

366
00:15:11,877 --> 00:15:13,678
MAYBE THE FAT BOY
WOULD HAVE PUT THE CIGAR DOWN

367
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:15,947
AND QUIT POINTING
HAD JOSE BEEN ALLOWED TO SWIM

368
00:15:16,015 --> 00:15:18,516
90 MILES TO THROW HIM
A JUNK BALL.

369
00:15:18,584 --> 00:15:20,151
DON'T WORRY
IF YOU DON'T FOLLOW.

370
00:15:20,219 --> 00:15:22,387
90 MILES IS THE DISTANCE
FROM KEY WEST TO CUBA,

371
00:15:22,454 --> 00:15:25,356
JOSE'S A STEREOTYPICAL NAME
FOR A LATINO BALL PLAYER,

372
00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:27,325
AND A JUNK BALL'S
AN IMPOSSIBLE PITCH

373
00:15:27,393 --> 00:15:29,594
TO HIT YARD ANYPLACE EXCEPT
FOR THE NEW YANKEE STADIUM,

374
00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:32,497
WHICH IS A JOKE.

375
00:15:32,564 --> 00:15:35,733
THE POINT...

376
00:15:35,801 --> 00:15:38,202
IS THE RECORD BOOKS
MIGHT LOOK A LITTLE DIFFERENT

377
00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:40,038
HAD OUR COUNTRY
NOT BEEN FOUNDED BY RACISTS.

378
00:15:40,105 --> 00:15:41,739
THAT'S ALL.

379
00:15:41,807 --> 00:15:43,741
AND I LOVE THAT IN 2010,

380
00:15:43,809 --> 00:15:45,777
YOU'RE STILL NOT ALLOWED TO
[bleep] ON THE FOUNDING FATHERS.

381
00:15:45,844 --> 00:15:48,146
WHY NOT?
SCREW THEM.

382
00:15:48,213 --> 00:15:49,881
THEY WERE A BUNCH
OF RACIST [bleep] PIGS

383
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,616
WITH A HANDFUL OF GOOD IDEAS.

384
00:15:51,684 --> 00:15:53,117
I JUST HOPE WHEN THEY WERE

385
00:15:53,185 --> 00:15:54,786
SIGNING
THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE,

386
00:15:54,853 --> 00:15:56,254
THEY SHOT EACH OTHER
A GLANCE.

387
00:15:56,322 --> 00:15:57,755
"ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL.

388
00:15:57,823 --> 00:15:59,557
"YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN.

389
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:02,694
[laughs sarcastically]

390
00:16:02,761 --> 00:16:05,129
NOW GET ME
SOME HOT COFFEE, BOY."

391
00:16:05,197 --> 00:16:08,900
[laughter]

392
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,168
OH...

393
00:16:10,235 --> 00:16:12,537
AT LEAST WE'RE NOT WOMEN,
RIGHT, FELLAS?

394
00:16:12,604 --> 00:16:14,639
OH, JEEZ.

395
00:16:14,707 --> 00:16:16,507
WHAT IS THAT LIKE?
IS IT HORRIBLE?

396
00:16:16,575 --> 00:16:20,278
IS IT AWFUL...
TO KNOW YOU'RE NUMBER TWO?

397
00:16:20,346 --> 00:16:21,713
BY THE WAY,
THESE AREN'T MY BELIEFS.

398
00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:23,748
IT'S MY OBSERVATIONS
ON THE WORLD I LIVE IN.

399
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:25,049
IF IT CHANGES,

400
00:16:25,117 --> 00:16:27,819
I'LL ADJUST
THE MATERIAL ACCORDINGLY.

401
00:16:27,886 --> 00:16:29,153
COOL.

402
00:16:29,221 --> 00:16:30,621
I LIKE IT WHEN YOU TRY
TO RATIONALIZE IT.

403
00:16:30,689 --> 00:16:32,557
"NO, IT'S GREAT BEING A WOMAN.

404
00:16:32,624 --> 00:16:34,592
FREE DRINKS IS WORTH
NOT HAVING EQUALITY."

405
00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:38,830
[laughter]

406
00:16:38,897 --> 00:16:40,465
LISTEN,
YOU'RE IN A GREAT COUNTRY

407
00:16:40,532 --> 00:16:41,899
TO BE NUMBER TWO,

408
00:16:41,967 --> 00:16:43,935
BECAUSE AT LEAST IN AMERICA,
IT'S CLOSE, RIGHT?

409
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,536
MEN ARE HERE.
WOMEN ARE HERE.

410
00:16:45,604 --> 00:16:46,904
SOME COUNTRIES,
IT'S LIKE THIS

411
00:16:46,972 --> 00:16:48,439
AND HOUSE CAT IS RIGHT THERE.

412
00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:49,841
HO-HO.

413
00:16:49,908 --> 00:16:52,210
THAT IS A BAD COUNTRY
TO BE A WOMAN IN.

414
00:16:52,277 --> 00:16:53,878
DON'T GET LOST
IN A HIKE THERE.

415
00:16:53,946 --> 00:16:55,613
YOU'LL END UP ON YOUTUBE
WITHOUT A HEAD,

416
00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:58,149
AND THERE'S NO
WEB REDEMPTION FOR THAT.

417
00:16:58,217 --> 00:17:01,052
[cheers and applause]

418
00:17:03,155 --> 00:17:07,158
[cheers and applause]

419
00:17:07,226 --> 00:17:09,260
- GAVE A COMMENCEMENT SPEECH
RECENTLY AT A HIGH SCHOOL,

420
00:17:09,328 --> 00:17:12,230
AND THAT DIDN'T GO WELL
AT ALL.

421
00:17:12,297 --> 00:17:13,731
A BUNCH OF HIGH-SCHOOL KIDS,

422
00:17:13,799 --> 00:17:15,400
PARENTS
THAT ARE PROUD OF THEM,

423
00:17:15,467 --> 00:17:17,635
AND I'M BELITTLING
THE ENTIRE THING.

424
00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:19,737
AND THE ADMINISTRATION
GOT REALLY UPSET WITH ME.

425
00:17:19,805 --> 00:17:21,172
THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, UH,
WE DIDN'T KNOW

426
00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:22,707
YOU WEREN'T GONNA
TAKE IT SERIOUSLY."

427
00:17:22,775 --> 00:17:27,011
TO WHICH I REPLIED,
"REALLY?

428
00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:29,447
"YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS WHERE
I WAS GONNA GET SERIOUS?

429
00:17:29,515 --> 00:17:31,516
HIGH SCHOOL,
HOW DID YOU DO IT?"

430
00:17:31,583 --> 00:17:33,451
[laughter]

431
00:17:33,519 --> 00:17:34,719
NO.

432
00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:38,256
I REFUSE TO GIVE
THAT GENERIC SPEECH.

433
00:17:38,323 --> 00:17:39,524
"AS I LOOK OUT HERE,

434
00:17:39,591 --> 00:17:42,660
I SEE FUTURE LAWYERS
AND DOCTORS."

435
00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:45,229
I GAVE THE REAL SPEECH.
"THERE'S FELONS HERE.

436
00:17:45,297 --> 00:17:46,831
[laughter]

437
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:51,069
SOME OF YOU WILL DIE
IN A D.U.I. ACCIDENT TONIGHT."

438
00:17:51,136 --> 00:17:52,804
OH, I'M SORRY.

439
00:17:52,871 --> 00:17:54,772
EXPLAIN TO ME
WHY A DOSE OF REALITY

440
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,775
BEFORE COMMUNITY COLLEGE
IS A BAD THING,

441
00:17:57,843 --> 00:18:00,111
BECAUSE I CERTAINLY DON'T NEED
TO PANDER TO THE 1%.

442
00:18:00,179 --> 00:18:01,379
THEY DON'T NEED
MY LITTLE PEP RALLY.

443
00:18:01,447 --> 00:18:03,347
THEY'RE GONNA BE JUST FINE.

444
00:18:03,415 --> 00:18:05,783
NOBODY'S BEEN A PILE OF [bleep]
THEIR ENTIRE LIFE

445
00:18:05,851 --> 00:18:07,051
AND THEN TURNED IT AROUND

446
00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:10,254
BECAUSE OF
THE COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS.

447
00:18:10,322 --> 00:18:12,123
EXCUSE ME?

448
00:18:12,191 --> 00:18:14,592
NO, NO, IT JUST CLICKED.

449
00:18:14,660 --> 00:18:18,029
"SO YOU'RE SAYING
I CAN BE ANYTHING?

450
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:19,397
"OH, YEAH,
THAT SOUNDS WAY BETTER THAN

451
00:18:19,465 --> 00:18:21,732
"WHAT I WAS GONNA DO.

452
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,634
I LIKE THIS GUY."

453
00:18:23,702 --> 00:18:25,269
DON'T YOU LOVE IT
WHEN PEOPLE IN SCHOOL ARE LIKE,

454
00:18:25,337 --> 00:18:26,871
"I'M A BAD TEST TAKER."

455
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:28,539
YOU MEAN, YOU'RE STUPID.

456
00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:30,675
[laughter]

457
00:18:30,742 --> 00:18:32,376
OH, YOU STRUGGLE
WITH THAT PART

458
00:18:32,444 --> 00:18:35,746
WHERE WE FIND OUT
WHAT YOU KNOW?

459
00:18:35,814 --> 00:18:36,814
OH.

460
00:18:36,882 --> 00:18:38,483
NO, NO,
I CAN TOTALLY RELATE.

461
00:18:38,550 --> 00:18:39,951
SEE, BECAUSE
I'M A BRILLIANT PAINTER

462
00:18:40,018 --> 00:18:43,387
MINUS MY GOD-AWFUL
BRUSHSTROKES.

463
00:18:43,455 --> 00:18:46,357
OH, HOW THE MASTERPIECE
IS CRYSTAL UP HERE,

464
00:18:46,425 --> 00:18:49,026
BUT ONCE PAINT HITS CANVAS,
I DEVELOP PARKINSON'S.

465
00:18:49,094 --> 00:18:51,162
[laughter]

466
00:18:51,230 --> 00:18:53,397
I APOLOGIZE IF THERE'S
A PARKINSON'S PAINTER HERE

467
00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:55,099
THIS EVENING.

468
00:18:55,167 --> 00:18:58,536
I ASSUME YOUR BEST WORK
IS IN THE A.M.

469
00:18:58,604 --> 00:19:00,571
PROBABLY GETS A BIT ABSTRACT
BY NOON.

470
00:19:00,639 --> 00:19:05,176
[laughter]

471
00:19:05,244 --> 00:19:07,912
HANG IN THERE,
IT GETS WORSE.

472
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,548
[laughter and applause]

473
00:19:10,616 --> 00:19:11,849
YOU EVER HEAR
THIS EXPRESSION?

474
00:19:11,917 --> 00:19:13,417
"THE WORST DAY OF FISHING
IS BETTER THAN

475
00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:14,919
THE BEST DAY AT WORK."

476
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:16,654
UH, I'LL CALL B.S.

477
00:19:16,722 --> 00:19:18,356
[laughter]

478
00:19:18,423 --> 00:19:20,091
<i>I'VE WATCHED THE DEADLIEST CATCH
ON DISCOVERY.</i>

479
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:21,425
I'VE NEVER ONCE BEEN
AT WORK,

480
00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:23,161
CAPSIZED
INTO 40-DEGREE WATER,

481
00:19:23,228 --> 00:19:24,562
WATCHED
ALL MY COWORKERS DIE

482
00:19:24,630 --> 00:19:25,930
AND BE LIKE, "HEY,

483
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:29,100
AT LEAST
WE'RE [bleep] FISHIN'."

484
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,601
HUH?

485
00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:31,936
AM I RIGHT, CRIMINALS?

486
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,772
I MEAN, CREW?

487
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:36,707
[applause]

488
00:19:36,775 --> 00:19:40,978
"THERE'S NO EXCUSE
FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE."

489
00:19:41,046 --> 00:19:43,147
IT SOUNDS LIKE A CHALLENGE.

490
00:19:43,215 --> 00:19:46,050
[laughs]

491
00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:49,253
I MEAN, DOES EVERYTHING
HAVE TO BE SO BLACK AND WHITE

492
00:19:49,321 --> 00:19:50,988
IN THIS KINDERGARTEN COUNTRY
OF OURS?

493
00:19:51,056 --> 00:19:52,890
"THERE'S NO EXCUSE."

494
00:19:52,958 --> 00:19:54,759
WHAT IF YOU COME HOME
FROM A LONG DAY AT WORK

495
00:19:54,826 --> 00:19:57,228
AND YOUR WIFE HAS DROWNED
TWO OF YOUR KIDS?

496
00:19:57,296 --> 00:19:58,930
SHE'S ABOUT TO DUNK
THE THIRD ONE.

497
00:19:58,997 --> 00:20:01,866
CAN YOU RUN OVER
AND POP HER THEN?

498
00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:05,903
"UNFORTUNATELY, NO.
THERE'S NO EXCUSE.

499
00:20:05,971 --> 00:20:08,573
GONNA HAVE TO LET HER
DROWN THAT THIRD ONE."

500
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:10,341
WHAT IF YOU ASK HER
TO DVR THE GAME,

501
00:20:10,409 --> 00:20:12,710
BUT SHE FORGETS TO RECORD
THE HALF-HOUR SHOW AFTERWARDS

502
00:20:12,778 --> 00:20:14,946
JUST IN CASE
IT GOES INTO OVERTIME?

503
00:20:15,013 --> 00:20:18,449
THE POINT IS
THERE'S A GRAY AREA.

504
00:20:18,517 --> 00:20:19,784
YEAH.

505
00:20:19,851 --> 00:20:21,919
AND I'M PRETTY SURE
MY GIRLFRIEND FOUND MINE

506
00:20:21,987 --> 00:20:24,622
ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO.

507
00:20:24,690 --> 00:20:26,290
I ASKED HER TO RECORD
THE GAME ON ESPN,

508
00:20:26,358 --> 00:20:28,459
WHICH SHE DID,
BUT NOT ESPN HD.

509
00:20:28,527 --> 00:20:30,228
AND THEN SHE SAYS,

510
00:20:30,295 --> 00:20:32,163
"WELL, AT LEAST YOU STILL
GET TO WATCH IT."

511
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:33,464
OH, YEAH, YEAH.

512
00:20:33,532 --> 00:20:35,333
NO, I PAY EXTRA MONEY
SO I CAN WATCH TV

513
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:38,269
LIKE POOR PEOPLE.

514
00:20:38,337 --> 00:20:39,537
I DON'T EVEN FEEL BAD

515
00:20:39,605 --> 00:20:41,272
FOR CHEATING ON YOU
THIS WEEKEND.

516
00:20:41,340 --> 00:20:45,576
[audience ohs]

517
00:20:45,644 --> 00:20:47,812
WE HAVE A RULE IN MY HOUSE.

518
00:20:47,879 --> 00:20:50,948
IF I'M ASHAMED,
IT DOESN'T COUNT.

519
00:20:51,016 --> 00:20:53,217
YOU GOTTA PLOW A FOUR
TO APPRECIATE AN EIGHT.

520
00:20:53,285 --> 00:20:56,020
[laughter]

521
00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:58,856
THAT'S MY MANTRA.
YEAH.

522
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:00,858
I'LL COME HOME FROM
A ROAD TRIP AND BE LIKE,

523
00:21:00,926 --> 00:21:02,493
"YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL."

524
00:21:02,561 --> 00:21:03,794
SHE'S LIKE,
"OH, YOU MUST HAVE BEEN

525
00:21:03,862 --> 00:21:06,864
WITH A PIG THIS WEEKEND."

526
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:10,635
I DON'T CHEAT ON HER.
IT'S A JOKE.

527
00:21:10,702 --> 00:21:12,503
DON'T GET ME WRONG,
I HATE MY GIRLFRIEND.

528
00:21:12,571 --> 00:21:14,205
I...

529
00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:17,842
HATE BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP,
BUT I'M FAITHFUL.

530
00:21:17,909 --> 00:21:19,210
THAT'S THE RULE.

531
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:20,578
YOU WANT YOUR RELATIONSHIP
TO WORK,

532
00:21:20,646 --> 00:21:21,946
YOU HAVE TO BE FAITHFUL.

533
00:21:22,014 --> 00:21:24,482
UH, TIGER WOODS,
JESSE JAMES,

534
00:21:24,549 --> 00:21:26,083
THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE ABOVE
THAT SIMPLE RULE.

535
00:21:26,151 --> 00:21:27,418
THEY'RE NOT.
NOBODY IS.

536
00:21:27,486 --> 00:21:29,220
AND YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN IT
TO WOMEN EITHER, LIKE--

537
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:30,588
MY GIRLFRIEND'LL BE LIKE,
"OH, MY GOODNESS,

538
00:21:30,656 --> 00:21:32,823
LIKE, YOU REALLY WANNA
HOOK UP WITH SOME SKANK?"

539
00:21:32,891 --> 00:21:35,226
OH, OH, WHOA.

540
00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:38,929
IT'S NOT
YOU VERSUS SKANK, HONEY.

541
00:21:38,997 --> 00:21:43,734
IT'S YOU VERSUS EVERY SKANK.

542
00:21:43,802 --> 00:21:45,369
DO YOU SEE HOW
THE SCALE SHIFTS

543
00:21:45,437 --> 00:21:46,937
IN THE OTHER DIRECTION
AT THAT POINT?

544
00:21:47,005 --> 00:21:50,775
IT'S LIKE, SHE'S
A MIGHTY SPARTAN WARRIOR.

545
00:21:50,842 --> 00:21:55,279
BUT THERE'S
ALL THESE PERSIAN WHORES...

546
00:21:55,347 --> 00:21:57,148
THAT WILL EVENTUALLY
KILL HER.

547
00:21:57,215 --> 00:22:00,418
[laughter]

548
00:22:00,485 --> 00:22:02,420
SHE GETS THE MESSAGE.

549
00:22:02,487 --> 00:22:04,755
[laughter]

550
00:22:04,823 --> 00:22:06,691
I HATE TATTOOS.

551
00:22:06,758 --> 00:22:09,760
THAT BEING SAID,
I HAVE A FEW.

552
00:22:09,828 --> 00:22:11,362
EVERY YEAR ON MY BIRTHDAY,

553
00:22:11,430 --> 00:22:13,464
I GET A SMALL DASH
ON MY INNER THIGH

554
00:22:13,532 --> 00:22:16,434
WHERE MY BALLS
CURRENTLY HANG.

555
00:22:16,501 --> 00:22:19,337
[laughter]

556
00:22:19,404 --> 00:22:21,305
YOU CAN'T TELL ME
THAT'S NOT GONNA BE

557
00:22:21,373 --> 00:22:24,208
A BEAUTIFUL WORK OF ART
WHEN IT'S FINISHED.

558
00:22:24,276 --> 00:22:25,943
MY GRANDKIDS
ARE PLAYING WITH MY BALLS,

559
00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:27,378
THEY CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT.

560
00:22:27,446 --> 00:22:29,246
THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL
ARE THESE THINGS?"

561
00:22:29,314 --> 00:22:31,115
I'M LIKE,
"IT'S YOUR FUTURE.

562
00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:33,651
READ THE CHART."

563
00:22:33,719 --> 00:22:36,087
THEY DON'T STOP GROWING.
THEY'RE LIKE EARLOBES.

564
00:22:36,154 --> 00:22:38,122
[laughter]

565
00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:40,324
THAT JOKE WAS INSPIRED
BY A DOOR THAT WASN'T LOCKED

566
00:22:40,392 --> 00:22:42,093
WHEN I WAS 11.

567
00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:43,894
[laughter]

568
00:22:43,962 --> 00:22:45,563
HOW ABOUT
THOSE WINTER OLYMPICS?

569
00:22:45,630 --> 00:22:47,064
THEY WERE EXCITING,
WEREN'T THEY?

570
00:22:47,132 --> 00:22:48,366
FINALLY,
WE GOT TO FIGURE OUT

571
00:22:48,433 --> 00:22:51,469
WHICH COUNTRY CAN SLIDE DOWN
A HILL FASTER.

572
00:22:51,536 --> 00:22:53,037
NOT GEORGIA.

573
00:22:53,105 --> 00:22:54,338
[audience ohs]
OOH.

574
00:22:54,406 --> 00:22:55,873
OH, I'M SORRY.

575
00:22:55,941 --> 00:22:58,576
BIG LUGE FANS, ARE YOU,
HERE IN SAN FRAN?

576
00:22:58,643 --> 00:23:01,712
TAKE THAT LUGE SERIOUSLY,
DON'T YOU?

577
00:23:04,383 --> 00:23:06,350
THE WINTER OLYMPICS
ARE POINTLESS.

578
00:23:06,418 --> 00:23:07,852
I'LL SAY IT.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

579
00:23:07,919 --> 00:23:09,520
I ASSUME THE ONLY REASON
WE HAVE THEM

580
00:23:09,588 --> 00:23:13,023
IS SO WHITE PEOPLE
FEEL RELEVANT IN SPORTS,

581
00:23:13,091 --> 00:23:15,025
BECAUSE OTHER THAN THAT,
THE ONLY THING

582
00:23:15,093 --> 00:23:16,694
THE WINTER OLYMPICS
SHOW ME IS

583
00:23:16,762 --> 00:23:19,430
WHICH COUNTRY
HAS MORE RICH WHITE KIDS?

584
00:23:19,498 --> 00:23:21,098
WHAT'S IT COST TO GO SKIING?

585
00:23:21,166 --> 00:23:23,134
$900 A DAY?

586
00:23:23,201 --> 00:23:25,202
"OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT'S NOT MORE POPULAR

587
00:23:25,270 --> 00:23:26,737
IN THE INNER CITIES."

588
00:23:26,805 --> 00:23:28,139
HMM.

589
00:23:28,206 --> 00:23:30,374
"HEY, LATRELL, YOU WANNA PLAY
BASKETBALL TODAY?"

590
00:23:30,442 --> 00:23:32,076
"NO, MAN, I'M GOING
TO BRECKENRIDGE."

591
00:23:32,144 --> 00:23:34,044
"OH.

592
00:23:34,112 --> 00:23:36,781
"LAH-DEE UNCLE TOM DAH.

593
00:23:36,848 --> 00:23:38,883
LATRELL'S GOING
TO BRECKENRIDGE."

594
00:23:38,950 --> 00:23:41,252
[laughter]

595
00:23:41,319 --> 00:23:42,953
I HATE THE SUMMER GAMES,
FOR THAT MATTER.

596
00:23:43,021 --> 00:23:45,222
I JUST DON'T WANT PARENTS
TO BE REWARDED

597
00:23:45,290 --> 00:23:46,490
FOR ENCOURAGING THEIR KIDS

598
00:23:46,558 --> 00:23:48,259
TO FORFEIT
THEIR ENTIRE CHILDHOOD

599
00:23:48,326 --> 00:23:50,795
PERFECTING A SPORT
NO ONE CARES ABOUT

600
00:23:50,862 --> 00:23:52,696
FOR 3 YEARS AND 11 MONTHS
AT A TIME,

601
00:23:52,764 --> 00:23:54,165
THEN FOR ONE MONTH,
I GOT TO ACT

602
00:23:54,232 --> 00:23:56,167
AS IF THE VAULT AFFECTS
MY PATRIOTISM.

603
00:23:56,234 --> 00:23:57,435
IT DOESN'T.

604
00:23:57,502 --> 00:23:59,637
I HOPE YOU MISS THE JUMP
AND RIB CAGE IT.

605
00:23:59,704 --> 00:24:01,472
YEAH.

606
00:24:01,540 --> 00:24:03,107
DO THAT FOR OLD GLORY.

607
00:24:03,175 --> 00:24:04,909
ENJOY YOUR EATING DISORDER,

608
00:24:04,976 --> 00:24:07,311
ASK YOUR MOM WHY
YOU STOPPED GROWING AT 4'3",

609
00:24:07,379 --> 00:24:11,015
AND REMEMBER, EVERY GUY SAYS
HAMMERTOE'S A DEAL BREAKER.

610
00:24:11,082 --> 00:24:12,850
I'M NOT TOUCHING YOUR FEET,
MARY LOU.

611
00:24:12,918 --> 00:24:14,919
THEY'RE DISGUSTING.

612
00:24:14,986 --> 00:24:17,521
[cheers and applause]

613
00:24:17,589 --> 00:24:19,824
AND HOW BAD IS THAT
MEDAL CEREMONY?

614
00:24:19,891 --> 00:24:21,792
UGH. IT'S HORRIBLE.

615
00:24:21,860 --> 00:24:24,895
I HATE OUR [bleep] ANTHEM.

616
00:24:24,963 --> 00:24:28,098
THE NATIONAL ANTHEM BLOWS.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

617
00:24:28,166 --> 00:24:31,235
DO ANY OF YOU HAVE IT
ON YOUR iPOD?

618
00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:32,503
"WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?"

619
00:24:32,571 --> 00:24:34,638
"OH, THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

620
00:24:34,706 --> 00:24:35,873
"I LOVE IT.

621
00:24:35,941 --> 00:24:38,409
IT JUST REALLY GETS ME
JAZZED UP."

622
00:24:38,477 --> 00:24:39,743
I WANT MY OWN COUNTRY.

623
00:24:39,811 --> 00:24:41,645
IF ONE OF MY ATHLETES MEDALS,
OH-HO-HO,

624
00:24:41,713 --> 00:24:43,214
IT'S GONNA BE GREAT,

625
00:24:43,281 --> 00:24:46,750
BECAUSE MY NATIONAL ANTHEM'S
GONNA BE 32 MINUTES LONG

626
00:24:46,818 --> 00:24:48,419
JUST SO
BRONZE AND SILVER GO,

627
00:24:48,487 --> 00:24:51,522
"WHAT THE [bleep]?
HOW LONG IS THIS?"

628
00:24:51,590 --> 00:24:53,190
IT'S LIKE,
"KNOCK IT OFF, LOSERS.

629
00:24:53,258 --> 00:24:55,226
"YOU'RE BEING
VERY DISRESPECTFUL.

630
00:24:55,293 --> 00:24:58,496
THERE'S A NINE-MINUTE
GUITAR SOLO COMING."

631
00:24:58,563 --> 00:25:00,130
<i>"WAS THAT NOVEMBER RAIN?"</i>

632
00:25:00,198 --> 00:25:03,467
[laughter]

633
00:25:03,535 --> 00:25:06,971
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S MORE EMBARRASSING

634
00:25:07,038 --> 00:25:08,239
IN THIS COUNTRY--

635
00:25:08,306 --> 00:25:09,874
THAT MICHAEL PHELPS
FELL FROM THE GRACES

636
00:25:09,941 --> 00:25:11,375
FOR SMOKING MARIJUANA

637
00:25:11,443 --> 00:25:14,178
OR THAT YOU LOOKED UP TO
A SWIMMER IN THE FIRST PLACE?

638
00:25:14,246 --> 00:25:16,046
[laughs]

639
00:25:16,114 --> 00:25:17,248
[cheers and applause]

640
00:25:17,315 --> 00:25:19,917
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

641
00:25:19,985 --> 00:25:21,418
SWIMMING?

642
00:25:21,486 --> 00:25:23,220
YOU MEAN THAT THING
YOU INSTINCTIVELY DO

643
00:25:23,288 --> 00:25:25,923
BEFORE YOU DIE?

644
00:25:25,991 --> 00:25:28,792
"YEAH, BUT HE'S REALLY FAST.
IT'S...

645
00:25:28,860 --> 00:25:32,596
IT'S PRETTY HEROIC."

646
00:25:32,664 --> 00:25:34,331
THE FIRST THING
MICHAEL PHELPS SHOULD HAVE DONE

647
00:25:34,399 --> 00:25:35,533
WHEN THAT PHOTO CAME OUT

648
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:37,535
WAS CALL
KOBE BRYANT'S PUBLICIST,

649
00:25:37,602 --> 00:25:40,304
BECAUSE KOBE WAS ACCUSED
OF RAPE.

650
00:25:40,372 --> 00:25:41,939
AND ALL HE HAD TO DO
WAS SETTLE IN CIVIL COURT

651
00:25:42,007 --> 00:25:44,141
FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS,
CHANGE HIS JERSEY NUMBER,

652
00:25:44,209 --> 00:25:45,609
WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP,

653
00:25:45,677 --> 00:25:48,712
AND THAT SOULLESS TOWN IN L.A.
COULDN'T BE PROUDER.

654
00:25:48,780 --> 00:25:50,714
YEAH, I JUST HOPE
WHEN PARENTS LET THEIR KIDS

655
00:25:50,782 --> 00:25:52,216
RUN AROUND
IN NUMBER 24 JERSEYS,

656
00:25:52,284 --> 00:25:53,517
THEY HAVE THE DECENCY
TO BE LIKE,

657
00:25:53,585 --> 00:25:55,219
"OH, COME ON.
NUMBER EIGHT WAS THE RAPIST.

658
00:25:55,287 --> 00:25:56,687
[laughter]

659
00:25:56,755 --> 00:25:59,924
"24 JUST HAS
A GREAT WORK ETHIC.

660
00:25:59,991 --> 00:26:02,359
AND AN UNBLOCKABLE
TURNAROUND."

661
00:26:02,427 --> 00:26:03,894
[laughter]

662
00:26:05,730 --> 00:26:10,434
[cheers and applause]

663
00:26:10,502 --> 00:26:15,272
- KANGAROOS
CAN'T HOP BACKWARDS.

664
00:26:15,340 --> 00:26:18,442
IT'S NOT VERY FUNNY,
BUT YOU LEARNED SOMETHING.

665
00:26:18,510 --> 00:26:20,511
I DON'T CARE
HOW DRUNK YOU GET TONIGHT,

666
00:26:20,579 --> 00:26:23,080
YOU WILL NEVER FORGET THAT.

667
00:26:23,148 --> 00:26:25,082
YOU'LL BE IN AUSTRALIA
NINE YEARS FROM NOW.

668
00:26:25,150 --> 00:26:26,750
YOUR FRIEND WILL GET ATTACKED
BY A KANGAROO,

669
00:26:26,818 --> 00:26:30,120
AND YOU'LL INSTINCTIVELY YELL,
"GET BEHIND HIM.

670
00:26:30,188 --> 00:26:32,656
"WAIT, HOW DID I KNOW
TO SAY THAT?

671
00:26:32,724 --> 00:26:34,558
"HOW DID I KNOW
TO SAY THAT?

672
00:26:34,626 --> 00:26:36,393
"AM I A WIZARD?

673
00:26:36,461 --> 00:26:38,362
"HAVE I ALWAYS BEEN
A WIZARD?

674
00:26:38,430 --> 00:26:39,930
WELL, THEN WHY DON'T
I HAVE A DEMON?"

675
00:26:39,998 --> 00:26:44,435
[scattered laughter]

676
00:26:44,502 --> 00:26:46,403
I LOVE SNAPPLE FACTS.

677
00:26:46,471 --> 00:26:48,038
I WISH THEY WOULD HIRE ME.

678
00:26:48,106 --> 00:26:49,373
I'D GIVE 'EM FACTS.
THEY'D BE SILLY.

679
00:26:49,441 --> 00:26:52,509
LIKE, BABIES AREN'T
DISHWASHER-SAFE.

680
00:26:52,577 --> 00:26:54,612
PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE,
"OH, MY GOODNESS.

681
00:26:54,679 --> 00:26:57,014
"WHO DOESN'T KNOW THIS?

682
00:26:57,082 --> 00:26:59,550
"WELL, I GUESS IF THEY KEEP
ONE BABY OUT OF THE DISHWASHER,

683
00:26:59,618 --> 00:27:01,051
"THEY'RE DOING A GOOD THING
OVER THERE.

684
00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:03,354
THANKS, SUMMER PEACH."

685
00:27:03,421 --> 00:27:05,456
I PREFER THE TEAS.

686
00:27:08,126 --> 00:27:09,360
THIS IS MY IMPRESSION
OF JOHNNY DEPP

687
00:27:09,427 --> 00:27:10,761
BEFORE HE LEAVES HIS HOUSE
AT NIGHT.

688
00:27:10,829 --> 00:27:12,262
IF YOU DON'T KNOW,
JOHNNY DEPP'S 48 YEARS OLD.

689
00:27:12,330 --> 00:27:13,464
I ASSUME IT GOES LIKE THIS.

690
00:27:13,531 --> 00:27:15,165
"HOLD ON, GUYS,
I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

691
00:27:15,233 --> 00:27:16,600
"I HAVE TO PUT ON
ANOTHER BRACELET.

692
00:27:16,668 --> 00:27:19,903
"I ONLY HAVE SIX ON.
I WANT TO WEAR SEVEN TONIGHT.

693
00:27:19,971 --> 00:27:21,505
"I KNOW
YOU'RE IN A HURRY,

694
00:27:21,573 --> 00:27:23,374
"BUT I HAVE TO MAKE SURE
MY BELT IS ASKEW

695
00:27:23,441 --> 00:27:25,009
"AND MY HANDKERCHIEF
IS JUST SO,

696
00:27:25,076 --> 00:27:29,013
BECAUSE I'M ALMOST 50,
AND I LOVE ACCESSORIES."

697
00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:30,648
COOL SHOULD HAVE A CUTOFF.

698
00:27:30,715 --> 00:27:33,150
AND MY VOTE IS 48.

699
00:27:33,218 --> 00:27:35,619
I LIKE WATCHING MOVIES ON DVD.

700
00:27:35,687 --> 00:27:37,054
I DON'T NEED ALL THE EXTRAS.

701
00:27:37,122 --> 00:27:38,722
I DON'T NEED TO SEE
ALTERNATE ENDINGS.

702
00:27:38,790 --> 00:27:40,257
THEY'RE NEVER THAT DIFFERENT.
THEY'RE JUST LONGER,

703
00:27:40,325 --> 00:27:41,692
A FEW MORE SWEAR WORDS,

704
00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:44,361
AND A BOOB THAT THE GENERAL
PUBLIC COULDN'T HANDLE.

705
00:27:44,429 --> 00:27:45,896
IF YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME
ALTERNATE ENDINGS,

706
00:27:45,964 --> 00:27:47,264
YOU BETTER BLOW ME AWAY.

707
00:27:47,332 --> 00:27:48,866
<i>LET ME WATCH THE MIGHTY DUCKS
WITH MY NEPHEW.</i>

708
00:27:48,933 --> 00:27:50,434
YEAH, WE WATCHED
THE ALTERNATE ENDING

709
00:27:50,502 --> 00:27:51,802
WHERE THEY LOSE
THE HOCKEY GAME.

710
00:27:51,870 --> 00:27:53,203
THEN THEY GO BACK
TO THE LOCKER ROOM.

711
00:27:53,271 --> 00:27:55,472
THEY START DOING BLOW
AND JERKING OFF ON EACH OTHER.

712
00:27:55,540 --> 00:27:57,441
EMILIO'S DEAD IN THE SHOWER.

713
00:27:57,509 --> 00:28:00,978
YOU'RE LIKE,
"HOLY COW. WHOA.

714
00:28:01,046 --> 00:28:03,781
"DID YOU SEE
THE ALTERNATE ENDING?

715
00:28:03,848 --> 00:28:05,249
"NO, NO, NO, THEY WENT

716
00:28:05,316 --> 00:28:09,053
"IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
DIRECTION.

717
00:28:09,120 --> 00:28:10,754
"I THINK DISNEY WAS SMART
WITH THE ORIGINAL.

718
00:28:10,822 --> 00:28:13,924
THAT ALTERNATE ENDING WAS A
LITTLE TOO HEAVY FOR THE KIDS."

719
00:28:13,992 --> 00:28:15,426
THAT'S DISNEY,

720
00:28:15,493 --> 00:28:18,328
ALWAYS SNEAKING IN
SUBLIMINAL STUFF IN OUR MOVIES.

721
00:28:18,396 --> 00:28:20,931
<i>DID YOU KNOW THERE'S A PENIS
ON THE LITTLE MERMAID BOX?</i>

722
00:28:20,999 --> 00:28:23,600
YOU TRY TO DRAW ARIEL
FOR SIX MONTHS

723
00:28:23,668 --> 00:28:25,936
AND NOT PUT
A [bleep] SOMEWHERE.

724
00:28:26,004 --> 00:28:29,606
GOD, I LOVE THAT FISH HALF.

725
00:28:29,674 --> 00:28:31,575
LIBERAL.

726
00:28:31,643 --> 00:28:34,078
A LITTLE GIRL WAS KILLED
IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD RECENTLY,

727
00:28:34,145 --> 00:28:35,913
WHICH IS SAD,
BUT IT HAPPENS,

728
00:28:35,980 --> 00:28:38,949
NOT USUALLY IN WHITE
NEIGHBORHOODS, BUT IT HAPPENS.

729
00:28:39,017 --> 00:28:42,186
I THINK THERE'S A PIE CHART
THAT PROVES THAT SOMEWHERE.

730
00:28:42,253 --> 00:28:44,254
SMALL SLIVER, SAFER.

731
00:28:46,524 --> 00:28:47,791
SHE WAS KILLED ON A STREET

732
00:28:47,859 --> 00:28:49,493
WHERE PEOPLE HAD BEEN
COMPLAINING FOR YEARS

733
00:28:49,561 --> 00:28:51,028
THAT CARS DRIVE TOO FAST.

734
00:28:51,096 --> 00:28:52,996
SO REACTIVE IN NATURE
AS EVERYONE IS,

735
00:28:53,064 --> 00:28:54,164
AFTER THE HORRIBLE ACCIDENT,

736
00:28:54,232 --> 00:28:55,666
THEY HAD A BUNCH
OF SPEED BUMPS PUT IN.

737
00:28:55,734 --> 00:28:58,302
AND I THOUGHT, "WOW, WHAT
A HORRIBLE WAY FOR THEIR FAMILY

738
00:28:58,369 --> 00:29:01,305
TO REMEMBER EVERY TIME
THEY DRIVE DOWN THAT ROAD."

739
00:29:01,372 --> 00:29:03,273
BA-BOOM.
[whimpers]

740
00:29:03,341 --> 00:29:07,311
"NATALIE!

741
00:29:07,378 --> 00:29:11,315
"YOUR MOTHER AND I MISS YOU
SO MUCH.

742
00:29:11,382 --> 00:29:15,252
"BUT YOU ARE REALLY DOING
A NUMBER ON OUR SUSPENSION.

743
00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:18,622
"NO, HONEY, I TOLD YOU
WE SHOULD HAVE LEASED THIS CAR.

744
00:29:18,690 --> 00:29:20,691
"EVEN IN THE AFTERLIFE,
SHE MAKES US FIGHT.

745
00:29:20,759 --> 00:29:22,793
GOOD RIDDANCE."

746
00:29:22,861 --> 00:29:24,895
YEAH, YOU SEE
WHAT HAPPENED THERE?

747
00:29:24,963 --> 00:29:26,964
IN THE BEGINNING
OF THIS MADE-UP STORY,

748
00:29:27,031 --> 00:29:28,165
YOU FELT BAD FOR THE FAMILY.

749
00:29:28,233 --> 00:29:29,566
NOW, AT THE END,
YOU REALIZE

750
00:29:29,634 --> 00:29:32,169
THEY WEREN'T FIT PARENTS
TO BEGIN WITH.

751
00:29:32,237 --> 00:29:35,072
WE'VE ALL GROWN.

752
00:29:35,140 --> 00:29:37,908
LET'S MOVE ON
TO SOME NONFICTION.

753
00:29:37,976 --> 00:29:41,445
DO YOU REMEMBER

754
00:29:41,513 --> 00:29:43,113
WHEN THAT KID WAS KILLED
AT SIX FLAGS,

755
00:29:43,181 --> 00:29:44,982
HAD HIS HEAD CUT OFF
BY THE ROLLER COASTER?

756
00:29:45,049 --> 00:29:47,151
OH, MAN, THE FIRST THING
THAT WENT THROUGH MY MIND

757
00:29:47,218 --> 00:29:51,054
WAS, "WOW, HOW AM I GONNA
MAKE THIS FUNNY FOR EVERYBODY?"

758
00:29:51,122 --> 00:29:54,458
HERE GOES.

759
00:29:54,526 --> 00:29:55,993
IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER
THE STORY,

760
00:29:56,060 --> 00:29:58,028
HE WAS ON A CHURCH YOUTH GROUP.
HE WAS ON A ROLLER COASTER RIDE.

761
00:29:58,096 --> 00:29:59,329
HIS HAT BLEW OFF.

762
00:29:59,397 --> 00:30:00,697
AFTER THE RIDE WAS OVER,

763
00:30:00,765 --> 00:30:01,999
HE'S LIKE,
"I'M GONNA GO GET MY HAT."

764
00:30:02,066 --> 00:30:04,868
AND THERE WAS A BIG FENCE
WITH SIGNS ON IT

765
00:30:04,936 --> 00:30:08,739
THAT PROBABLY SAID,
"HEY, CUT YOUR LOSSES."

766
00:30:08,807 --> 00:30:10,641
AND HE'S LIKE,
"WHAT?

767
00:30:10,708 --> 00:30:13,377
"HAVE YOU SEEN ME
IN THAT HAT?

768
00:30:13,444 --> 00:30:15,212
NOT TODAY, FENCE."

769
00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:16,547
AND HE WENT OVER IT.

770
00:30:16,614 --> 00:30:18,949
AND THERE WAS A SECOND FENCE
WITH MORE SIGNS.

771
00:30:19,017 --> 00:30:21,451
LIKE,
"COME ON, KNOCK IT OFF."

772
00:30:21,519 --> 00:30:24,555
HE'S LIKE, "YOU CAN'T TELL ME
HOW TO LIVE, SIGNS."

773
00:30:24,622 --> 00:30:26,089
AND HE WENT OVER THAT FENCE.

774
00:30:26,157 --> 00:30:28,725
AND ON THE OTHER SIDE,
THE STORY ENDS.

775
00:30:28,793 --> 00:30:32,563
DID HE GET THE HAT?
I'D LIKE TO THINK HE DID.

776
00:30:32,630 --> 00:30:34,264
RIGHT?
A SMALL SILVER LINING.

777
00:30:34,332 --> 00:30:35,766
LIKE, "I TOLD YOU
I'D GET IT."

778
00:30:35,834 --> 00:30:38,035
AND THEN WHACK,
RIGHT THEN.

779
00:30:38,102 --> 00:30:39,369
AND I KNOW
HE WAS ON A CHURCH YOUTH GROUP,

780
00:30:39,437 --> 00:30:40,838
AND THEY DON'T BELIEVE
IN EVOLUTION,

781
00:30:40,905 --> 00:30:44,074
BUT THAT KID WAS GETTING
PICKED OFF SOONER OR LATER.

782
00:30:44,142 --> 00:30:45,142
YEAH.

783
00:30:45,210 --> 00:30:47,177
[laughter and applause]

784
00:30:47,245 --> 00:30:49,880
AND IF I WERE
A FAMILY MEMBER,

785
00:30:49,948 --> 00:30:52,382
I'D SAY 15 YEARS
WAS A PRETTY GOOD RUN.

786
00:30:52,450 --> 00:30:55,118
BUT THEN AGAIN,
I'M HALF FULL.

787
00:30:55,186 --> 00:30:59,523
THE REAL STORY, WHICH NOBODY
TALKS ABOUT UNTIL NOW,

788
00:30:59,591 --> 00:31:00,624
IS HOW HE WAS DECAPITATED.

789
00:31:00,692 --> 00:31:02,192
IT WAS
A SUSPENSION ROLLER COASTER.

790
00:31:02,260 --> 00:31:03,660
A YOUNG LADY,
25 YEARS OLD,

791
00:31:03,728 --> 00:31:05,462
HER LEG
IS WHAT DECAPITATED HIM.

792
00:31:05,530 --> 00:31:07,231
SHATTERED HER LEG
IN OVER EIGHT PLACES.

793
00:31:07,298 --> 00:31:10,400
SHE HAD TO HAVE THREE SURGERIES
AND WEAR A CAST FOR OVER A YEAR.

794
00:31:10,468 --> 00:31:12,369
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER WORN
A CAST OR NOT,

795
00:31:12,437 --> 00:31:14,605
BUT EVERYBODY AND THEIR MOTHER
WILL COME UP TO YOU

796
00:31:14,672 --> 00:31:17,741
AND BE LIKE,
"HOW'D YOU BREAK YOUR LEG?"

797
00:31:17,809 --> 00:31:19,443
[laughter]

798
00:31:19,510 --> 00:31:22,379
SHE GETS TO BE LIKE,
"I [bleep] PUNTED A GUY'S HEAD

799
00:31:22,447 --> 00:31:25,215
"90 YARDS.
YEAH.

800
00:31:25,283 --> 00:31:27,451
TOP THAT, JANIKOWSKI."

801
00:31:27,518 --> 00:31:32,756
OH, FINALLY A RAIDER REFERENCE
THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE SUCKING.

802
00:31:32,824 --> 00:31:35,058
[cheers and applause]

803
00:31:43,134 --> 00:31:45,002
PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS TOLD ME
I HAVE A SICK SENSE OF HUMOR.

804
00:31:45,069 --> 00:31:47,437
WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?
I ASSUME IT'S RELATIVE.

805
00:31:47,505 --> 00:31:49,239
WHO ARE YOU COMPARING ME TO?
CARROT TOP?

806
00:31:49,307 --> 00:31:51,708
THEN, YEAH,
I'M A LITTLE BLUE.

807
00:31:51,776 --> 00:31:53,677
TO MY CIRCLE OF FRIENDS,
I'M TAME.

808
00:31:53,745 --> 00:31:55,746
MY SISTER'S OFF THE CHARTS.

809
00:31:55,813 --> 00:31:58,382
I PLAY PRACTICAL JOKES
ON HER CONSTANTLY, THOUGH.

810
00:31:58,449 --> 00:32:00,517
I GOT HER SO GOOD
A FEW WEEKS AGO.

811
00:32:00,585 --> 00:32:04,454
I REPLACED HER PEPPER SPRAY
WITH SILLY STRING.

812
00:32:04,522 --> 00:32:07,658
ANYWAY, THAT NIGHT,
SHE GOT RAPED,

813
00:32:07,725 --> 00:32:10,160
AND SHE CALLED ME
THE NEXT DAY,

814
00:32:10,228 --> 00:32:13,397
GOING, "YOU SON OF A BITCH.

815
00:32:13,464 --> 00:32:15,766
"YOU GOT ME SO GOOD.

816
00:32:15,833 --> 00:32:17,701
"NO, NO, NO, NO,
AS SOON

817
00:32:17,769 --> 00:32:19,069
"AS I STARTED SPRAYING HIM
IN THE FACE.

818
00:32:19,137 --> 00:32:21,939
"I'M LIKE, 'DANIEL.

819
00:32:22,006 --> 00:32:26,009
THIS IS GONNA REALLY HURT.'"

820
00:32:26,077 --> 00:32:29,947
[singsong]
HOT POCKET.

821
00:32:30,014 --> 00:32:31,315
THAT'S HOW THAT JOKE ENDS.

822
00:32:31,382 --> 00:32:34,584
I HAD ANOTHER COMIC FRIEND
OF MINE FINISH IT.

823
00:32:38,856 --> 00:32:42,225
I HATE RAIN.

824
00:32:42,293 --> 00:32:45,796
I UNDERSTAND
THE NECESSITY FOR IT.

825
00:32:45,863 --> 00:32:48,598
BUT WHEN I WALK OUTSIDE,
I PREFER IT TO BE SUNNY.

826
00:32:48,666 --> 00:32:50,334
THAT'S WHY I LOVE CALIFORNIA
SO MUCH.

827
00:32:50,401 --> 00:32:53,670
OH, AND I THINK
IT'S BECAUSE I WEAR A 35 INSEAM

828
00:32:53,738 --> 00:32:56,273
WHEN I'M CLEARLY A 34.

829
00:32:56,341 --> 00:32:58,208
BUT I'VE ALWAYS LIKED
MY PANTS LONG IN THE BACK.

830
00:32:58,276 --> 00:33:00,344
I LIKE 'EM TO HIT THE GROUND,
NATURALLY FRAY OVER TIME,

831
00:33:00,411 --> 00:33:02,179
BUT WHEN IT RAINS, OH.

832
00:33:02,246 --> 00:33:04,147
AM I RIGHT?
THE FRAY GETS WET,

833
00:33:04,215 --> 00:33:05,749
THEN THE PANT LEG
GOES UP MUCH HIGHER

834
00:33:05,817 --> 00:33:07,718
THAN ANYTHING
I EVER STEPPED IN.

835
00:33:07,785 --> 00:33:10,387
I JUST LOOK DOWN.
I'M LIKE, AAGH!

836
00:33:10,455 --> 00:33:13,523
IS THIS WHAT THE PEOPLE
IN NEW ORLEANS WENT THROUGH?

837
00:33:13,591 --> 00:33:17,194
BECAUSE THIS IS AWFUL.

838
00:33:17,261 --> 00:33:18,895
HAD I KNOWN IT WAS THAT BAD,

839
00:33:18,963 --> 00:33:21,131
MAYBE I WOULD HAVE HELPED.

840
00:33:21,199 --> 00:33:25,302
NEXT TIME,
'TRINA 2, I'M YOUR SAVIOR.

841
00:33:25,370 --> 00:33:27,738
DO THEY NAME STORMS
LIKE SEQUELS IN MOVIES?

842
00:33:27,805 --> 00:33:29,272
BECAUSE THEY SHOULD.

843
00:33:29,340 --> 00:33:31,708
<i>'TRINA 2:
GOD'S STILL CRYING.</i>

844
00:33:34,178 --> 00:33:36,413
YOU WANT HELP, DON'T INVEST
IN PROPERTY VALUE

845
00:33:36,481 --> 00:33:37,647
THAT'S BELOW SEA LEVEL.

846
00:33:37,715 --> 00:33:39,616
YOU'RE WELCOME.

847
00:33:39,684 --> 00:33:42,386
[cheers and applause]

848
00:33:44,222 --> 00:33:47,991
[cheers and applause]

849
00:33:48,059 --> 00:33:50,260
- PEOPLE ALWAYS ASSUME
I'M A BLEEDING-HEART LIBERAL.

850
00:33:50,328 --> 00:33:51,962
WHAT?

851
00:33:52,030 --> 00:33:55,532
I'M CONSERVATIVE
ON ALMOST ALL THE KEY ISSUES.

852
00:33:55,600 --> 00:33:57,734
I HATE THE POOR.

853
00:33:57,802 --> 00:33:59,803
I'VE SAID THAT FOREVER.

854
00:33:59,871 --> 00:34:02,672
"WE NEED HELP."
YEAH, WE'VE HEARD.

855
00:34:05,943 --> 00:34:07,844
AND SOME OF YOU KNOW
I HAVE A CHARITY,

856
00:34:07,912 --> 00:34:10,981
BUT I DID THAT
FOR TAX PURPOSES.

857
00:34:11,049 --> 00:34:12,582
IF YOU'RE NOT
FAMILIAR WITH IT,

858
00:34:12,650 --> 00:34:14,851
IT'S CALLED
FEBREZING THE HOMELESS.

859
00:34:14,919 --> 00:34:16,753
[laughter]

860
00:34:16,821 --> 00:34:20,190
NO, IT'S NOT
WHAT SOME OF YOU THINK.

861
00:34:20,258 --> 00:34:23,894
WHAT I DO, I GO AROUND,
AND I FEBREZE HOMELESS PEOPLE.

862
00:34:23,961 --> 00:34:25,495
IS THAT WHAT
YOU THOUGHT IT WAS?

863
00:34:25,563 --> 00:34:28,465
WELL, THIS ISN'T A GAME SHOW.

864
00:34:28,533 --> 00:34:30,567
IT'S NICE.
WHO WOULD YOU GIVE A DOLLAR TO?

865
00:34:30,635 --> 00:34:32,069
THE GUY THAT SMELLS
LIKE LIQUID GARBAGE

866
00:34:32,136 --> 00:34:33,603
OR OCEAN BREEZE?

867
00:34:33,671 --> 00:34:34,871
IT'S A NO-BRAINER.

868
00:34:34,939 --> 00:34:37,307
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT RAIN
ON NUMBER TWO.

869
00:34:40,845 --> 00:34:42,479
MAKE IT RAIN.

870
00:34:42,547 --> 00:34:44,381
"THANK YOU, RAP COMMUNITY,
FOR CONTINUING

871
00:34:44,449 --> 00:34:46,383
TO KEEP WOMEN
IN THEIR PLACE,"

872
00:34:46,451 --> 00:34:49,186
HE SAID WITH HEAVY SARCASM.

873
00:34:49,253 --> 00:34:52,322
IF YOU DON'T KNOW, IT'S WHEN
YOU THROW CASH ON THE HOS.

874
00:34:52,390 --> 00:34:53,757
I CAME UP
WITH MY OWN EXPRESSION.

875
00:34:53,825 --> 00:34:55,125
I LIKE TO MAKE IT HAIL.

876
00:34:55,193 --> 00:34:57,594
YEAH, THAT'S WHEN YOU
THROW CHANGE ON SLUTS.

877
00:34:58,996 --> 00:35:00,197
[imitates whooshing]

878
00:35:00,264 --> 00:35:01,665
"OW!

879
00:35:01,732 --> 00:35:05,602
ARE THOSE NICKELS?"

880
00:35:05,670 --> 00:35:07,671
"YEAH.
IT'S A DOWN ECONOMY.

881
00:35:07,738 --> 00:35:12,342
I'M A BALLER
ON A BUDGET, BITCH."

882
00:35:12,410 --> 00:35:13,844
YOU SEE THAT?
YOU SEE THAT?

883
00:35:13,911 --> 00:35:17,848
KEEP AN OPEN HAND.
THAT'LL KEEP YOU OUT OF PRISON.

884
00:35:17,915 --> 00:35:20,851
I DON'T KNOW
IF THAT'S TRUE...

885
00:35:20,918 --> 00:35:23,453
JUST IN CASE
ANYBODY GOES HOME TONIGHT

886
00:35:23,521 --> 00:35:25,589
AND DECIDES TO BEAT
THE [bleep] OUT OF THEIR--

887
00:35:25,656 --> 00:35:28,892
"I KEPT AN OPEN HAND.

888
00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:32,796
YOUR HONOR,
THE COMEDIAN CLEARLY STATED..."

889
00:35:34,732 --> 00:35:38,768
SOME ISSUES
I GO A LITTLE LEFT ON.

890
00:35:38,836 --> 00:35:41,004
I HEART ABORTION.
FINE.

891
00:35:41,072 --> 00:35:42,572
WHERE'S THAT T-SHIRT,
URBAN OUTFITTERS?

892
00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:45,075
I'LL BUY ONE.

893
00:35:45,143 --> 00:35:46,810
LARGE, PRESHRUNK,
COTTON-POLY BLEND,

894
00:35:46,878 --> 00:35:48,411
OVERPRICED,
BUT VERY SOFT.

895
00:35:48,479 --> 00:35:50,680
JUST SAYS "I HEART ABORTION."

896
00:35:50,748 --> 00:35:53,750
NOT A REGULAR HEART,
AN UNBORN FETUS HEART

897
00:35:53,818 --> 00:35:55,919
THAT HAS BEEN VACUUMED OUT.

898
00:35:55,987 --> 00:35:57,821
LOOK AT IT.

899
00:35:57,889 --> 00:35:59,723
WHAT, IT'S OKAY FOR THEM
TO STICK IT ON A POSTER BOARD,

900
00:35:59,790 --> 00:36:00,957
SHOVE IT INTO SOME KID'S FACE

901
00:36:01,025 --> 00:36:02,459
THAT'S MAKING
THE TOUGHEST DECISION

902
00:36:02,527 --> 00:36:04,094
OF HER LIFE,
BUT I EMBRACE IT

903
00:36:04,162 --> 00:36:06,062
AND I'M THE A-HOLE?
GOT IT.

904
00:36:06,130 --> 00:36:07,297
WHAT'S THE BACK
OF THE SHIRT SAY?

905
00:36:07,365 --> 00:36:11,701
"PROBLEM SOLVED."

906
00:36:11,769 --> 00:36:14,304
IT SAYS, "GO BACK
TO BEING SELFISH.

907
00:36:14,372 --> 00:36:16,873
"YOUR LIFE'S NOT OVER
JUST YET.

908
00:36:16,941 --> 00:36:18,875
"DON'T HAVE TO TAKE
ALL THOSE FAILED DREAMS

909
00:36:18,943 --> 00:36:21,778
AND CRAM 'EM DOWN
SOMEBODY ELSE'S THROAT."

910
00:36:21,846 --> 00:36:24,114
BACK OF THE SHIRT'S LONG.

911
00:36:24,182 --> 00:36:25,682
PEOPLE MAY BUMP INTO YOU,

912
00:36:25,750 --> 00:36:29,419
LIKE, "SORRY, I WAS READING
THAT HORRIBLE SHIRT.

913
00:36:29,487 --> 00:36:32,522
WHERE ARE YOU HEADED?"

914
00:36:32,590 --> 00:36:34,958
"SARAH PALIN'S HOUSE."

915
00:36:35,026 --> 00:36:37,427
[laughter]

916
00:36:37,495 --> 00:36:39,496
SPEAKING OF AWFUL PARENTS,

917
00:36:39,564 --> 00:36:42,232
JOE JACKSON DESERVES
A LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD.

918
00:36:42,300 --> 00:36:44,601
HOLY COW.

919
00:36:44,669 --> 00:36:46,703
I LIKE WHEN PEOPLE ACTED SHOCKED
THAT MICHAEL DIED.

920
00:36:46,771 --> 00:36:47,837
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

921
00:36:47,905 --> 00:36:49,406
MICHAEL WAS ON BORROWED TIME

922
00:36:49,473 --> 00:36:54,077
AS SOON
AS HE SWITCHED RACES.

923
00:36:54,145 --> 00:36:56,346
DON'T ACT SO SAD
OVER HIS DEATH.

924
00:36:56,414 --> 00:36:58,682
ARE YOU KIDDING?
THERE'S A REASON--

925
00:36:58,749 --> 00:37:01,184
THERE'S A REASON
HIS REUNION TOUR WAS IN LONDON.

926
00:37:01,252 --> 00:37:03,320
NOBODY IN AMERICA WANTS
TO WATCH A 50-YEAR-OLD MAN

927
00:37:03,387 --> 00:37:05,322
SCOOT BACKWARDS.

928
00:37:05,389 --> 00:37:07,357
[laughter]

929
00:37:09,193 --> 00:37:12,362
[cheers and applause]

930
00:37:12,430 --> 00:37:14,297
- I WAS MAKING LOVE
TO THIS GIRL RECENTLY.

931
00:37:14,365 --> 00:37:17,200
LET'S SAY SHE'S 19.

932
00:37:17,268 --> 00:37:18,802
THERE'S NO BOUNCER
IN MY BEDROOM.

933
00:37:18,869 --> 00:37:22,906
YOU'RE IN.

934
00:37:22,974 --> 00:37:25,709
SHE SAYS TO ME
DURING THE ACT OF LOVEMAKING,

935
00:37:25,776 --> 00:37:28,612
"HEY, DANIEL, WHAT'S IT LIKE
HAVING SEX WITH A CONDOM ON?"

936
00:37:28,679 --> 00:37:31,881
I'M LIKE,
"HOW SHOULD I KNOW?"

937
00:37:31,949 --> 00:37:34,718
I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
WE NEED TIME MACHINES.

938
00:37:34,785 --> 00:37:38,355
WHAT I SAID
WAS WAY LESS ROMANTIC.

939
00:37:38,422 --> 00:37:40,290
I SAID, "OH.

940
00:37:40,358 --> 00:37:44,961
IT'S A LOT LIKE PICKING UP
DOG [bleep] WITH A BAG,"

941
00:37:45,029 --> 00:37:48,798
WHICH I THOUGHT THEN AND THINK
NOW IS A SPOT-ON ANALOGY.

942
00:37:48,866 --> 00:37:52,168
LIKE, YOU KNOW
THERE'S DOG POO IN YOUR HAND,

943
00:37:52,236 --> 00:37:54,838
BUT YOU DON'T FREAK OUT.

944
00:37:54,905 --> 00:37:57,073
[laughter]

945
00:37:57,141 --> 00:37:59,843
[applause]

946
00:37:59,910 --> 00:38:02,445
SOMETIMES WHEN I'M OUT AT NIGHT
AND I SEE A GROUP OF WOMEN,

947
00:38:02,513 --> 00:38:05,482
I LIKE TO WALK UP TO 'EM
AND PRETEND THAT I'M A JUDGE

948
00:38:05,549 --> 00:38:07,717
AT A DOG SHOW.

949
00:38:07,785 --> 00:38:10,086
AND I JUST GO,
"MM.

950
00:38:10,154 --> 00:38:13,423
"THIRD, SECOND, FIRST...

951
00:38:13,491 --> 00:38:15,492
IN THAT ORDER!"

952
00:38:15,559 --> 00:38:17,627
[applause]

953
00:38:17,695 --> 00:38:19,629
THEY LOVE IT.

954
00:38:19,697 --> 00:38:21,765
THEY WANT TO BE JUDGED.

955
00:38:21,832 --> 00:38:23,800
THEY SPEND A LOT OF TIME
GETTING READY.

956
00:38:23,868 --> 00:38:26,603
THERE'S NOT A GIRL IN HERE THAT
WOULDN'T LIKE TO GO HOME TONIGHT

957
00:38:26,671 --> 00:38:29,372
WITH A BLUE RIBBON ON.

958
00:38:29,440 --> 00:38:30,940
HER FRIEND'S LIKE, "WHERE DID
YOU GET THAT UGLY RIBBON?"

959
00:38:31,008 --> 00:38:34,811
"OH, SOME GUY AT THE BAR
THOUGHT I WON."

960
00:38:34,879 --> 00:38:36,746
"KATIE DIDN'T EVEN PLACE.
I KNOW.

961
00:38:36,814 --> 00:38:38,648
IT'S CRAZY."

962
00:38:40,418 --> 00:38:41,685
IF I SEE
A REALLY HOT CHICK,

963
00:38:41,752 --> 00:38:43,820
I'LL GRAB HER BY THE CROTCH
AND THE THROAT

964
00:38:43,888 --> 00:38:48,558
AND BE LIKE,
"BEST IN SHOW."

965
00:38:48,626 --> 00:38:50,894
LITTLE HEAVY.

966
00:38:50,961 --> 00:38:54,297
SHOULD HAVE PICKED ONE
FROM THE TOY GROUP.

967
00:38:54,365 --> 00:38:57,467
BIG CAN BE BEAUTIFUL, OKAY?

968
00:38:57,535 --> 00:38:59,736
JUST NOT TO ME.

969
00:38:59,804 --> 00:39:02,205
I FIND YOU DISGUSTING.

970
00:39:02,273 --> 00:39:04,841
FRESHMAN 15'S
NOT A LIFE SENTENCE.

971
00:39:04,909 --> 00:39:07,977
OKAY?

972
00:39:08,045 --> 00:39:09,312
WE'RE TOO FAT.

973
00:39:09,380 --> 00:39:11,348
WE'RE JUST TOO FAT.

974
00:39:11,415 --> 00:39:13,016
I WAS ON A PLANE RECENTLY

975
00:39:13,084 --> 00:39:15,018
THAT WAS DELAYED
OVER THREE HOURS AT THE GATE

976
00:39:15,086 --> 00:39:17,287
BECAUSE THEY RAN OUT
OF SEAT-BELT EXTENSIONS.

977
00:39:17,355 --> 00:39:19,189
DO YOU EVEN KNOW
WHAT SEAT-BELT EXTENSIONS ARE?

978
00:39:19,256 --> 00:39:20,790
SEAT BELTS ONLY GO THIS BIG.

979
00:39:20,858 --> 00:39:23,693
[laughter]

980
00:39:28,466 --> 00:39:30,066
SOME PEOPLE NEED

981
00:39:30,134 --> 00:39:33,002
AN EXTRA 6 1/2 FEET OF NYLON
TO STRAP IN,

982
00:39:33,070 --> 00:39:37,640
AS IF ANY COLLISION
WOULD UNWEDGE THEM.

983
00:39:37,708 --> 00:39:39,976
I LOVE THAT THE MODELING
INDUSTRY GETS ATTACKED

984
00:39:40,044 --> 00:39:41,044
FOR BEING TOO SKINNY.

985
00:39:41,112 --> 00:39:43,546
REALLY, AMERICA?

986
00:39:43,614 --> 00:39:44,781
YOU'RE NOT TOO BIG?

987
00:39:44,849 --> 00:39:46,950
MM-MM.

988
00:39:47,017 --> 00:39:48,952
IS SOMETHING IN YOUR MOUTH?

989
00:39:49,019 --> 00:39:52,922
MM-MM.

990
00:39:52,990 --> 00:39:55,992
DO YOU KNOW WHY THEY SAY THAT--
THAT MODELS ARE TOO SKINNY?

991
00:39:56,060 --> 00:39:57,794
IT'S BECAUSE
PARENTS ARE HORRIBLE.

992
00:39:57,862 --> 00:39:59,662
THEY CAN'T TELL
THEIR 16-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER

993
00:39:59,730 --> 00:40:01,197
THAT SHE'S NOT REALLY
A PRINCESS.

994
00:40:01,265 --> 00:40:03,967
WELL, GUESS WHAT.
I CAN.

995
00:40:04,034 --> 00:40:06,603
IF YOU'RE 16 YEARS OLD
AND YOU THINK

996
00:40:06,670 --> 00:40:09,639
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU
AND GISELE IS YOUR WAISTLINE

997
00:40:09,707 --> 00:40:13,443
AND NOT YOUR BUSTED FACE...

998
00:40:13,511 --> 00:40:15,845
HERE'S SOME ADVICE--
FILL UP THE PAXIL,

999
00:40:15,913 --> 00:40:19,115
BECAUSE LIFE IS GONNA BE
REALLY SAD.

1000
00:40:19,183 --> 00:40:22,018
IF YOU'RE WALKING AROUND
LIKE, "WELL, WHY AM I

1001
00:40:22,086 --> 00:40:24,754
NOT A SUPERMODEL YET?"

1002
00:40:24,822 --> 00:40:29,426
WHO ARE YOU EVEN LOOKING AT,
SEABISCUIT?

1003
00:40:29,493 --> 00:40:33,363
"OH, I WANT TO BE A MODEL."

1004
00:40:33,431 --> 00:40:34,898
DO YOU WANT ME
TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU?

1005
00:40:34,965 --> 00:40:36,599
LET'S START WITH YOUR JAWLINE.

1006
00:40:36,667 --> 00:40:39,436
THAT'S NOT GONNA SELL A LOT
OF MAKEUP IN THE MAGAZINES.

1007
00:40:39,503 --> 00:40:41,004
"BUT I'M SKINNY."

1008
00:40:41,071 --> 00:40:43,072
YOU ARE A TROLL.

1009
00:40:43,140 --> 00:40:45,875
MY ADVICE,
HAVE A TWINKIE,

1010
00:40:45,943 --> 00:40:47,544
GET REAL GOOD AT MATH,

1011
00:40:47,611 --> 00:40:50,246
BECAUSE LIFE
IS NOT GONNA BE EASY FOR YOU.

1012
00:40:50,314 --> 00:40:52,382
I'M SORRY
IF THIS IS YOUR WAKE-UP CALL,

1013
00:40:52,450 --> 00:40:54,584
BUT BEING AN UGLY WOMAN
IS LIKE BEING A MAN.

1014
00:40:54,652 --> 00:40:57,353
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WORK.

1015
00:40:57,421 --> 00:40:59,255
YEP.

1016
00:40:59,323 --> 00:41:01,658
THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
YOU GUYS.

1017
00:41:01,725 --> 00:41:04,828
THANK YOU.
THANKS FOR COMING OUT.

1018
00:41:04,895 --> 00:41:08,064
[cheers and applause]