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Jimmy Carr will be on stage...
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Jimmy Carr will be on stage...
Altogether now
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5,4,3,2,1
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Ladies and gentlemen
Please give it up for
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Jimmy Carr
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Thank you very much.
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Good, Hello! Good Evening
Hello, Hello Hello
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Lovely
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Quite well
I'm Jimmy Carr, These are my jokes
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let's not fuck about.
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Before we get started who has
seen me before?
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Who has never seen me before?
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You sound happier.
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I'm not entirely sure this is working.
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According to Ofcom.. The people that make
guidelines for television
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According to Ofcom. the
most offensive words on TV
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Are the F word and C word
But I'm live on stage this evening
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So I can say,
Whatever the fuck I like.
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And those cunts can't do anything about it.
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I got trouble getting up tonight,
Had to organize a baby sitter
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I don't have children.
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I found out, they are cheaper than escorts.
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She is 17, There is nothing
she won't do for 50 pounds.
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It's sort of half a joke,
That isn't?
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Cos its quite funny
but also true.
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When I'm away from home
I sometime get love sick.
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Well, They call it chlamydia.
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I spend a lot of my time away from home,
Cause this is my job.
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I travel around the country telling
jokes to people.I love it.
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But I spend a lot of my time away staying
in hotels, because I have to travel.
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I was in a hotel couple of weeks ago.
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walked into the hotel room, as I
walked in there Just On the TV it said:
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"The adult channel is disabled."
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I thought:
"That's a bit specialist"
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I'm joking.
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I was gutted no Spas porn.
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I'm sure you've all seen this Birmingham
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On trains they have got seats reserved for
elderly, disabled and pregnant people
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Begs the question, Who is
fucking all these old Cripples?
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Have you ever heard something
so dumb its almost brilliant?
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So stupid that it takes you a moment to
work out what just happened,
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I give you an example, I was on a bus. I
heard this girl get on the bus
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Walked up to driver and go:
"Can I get returned?"
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And the driver went: " Where to?"
And She went: "Back here."
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It took me like an extra beat to..
what's going on? Oh she is a fucking idiot
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"Case Closed."
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People worry about their
physical appearance.
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We all got silly hang-ups.
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Personally I worry that
one of my ball is bigger,
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Than the other two.
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I shave my testicles.
I call them "Brazil Nuts"
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Makes me giggle.
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Cos it tickles
when I do it.
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The first few weeks of joining
weight watchers,
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You are just finding your feet.
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Well done.
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Altogether or not at all on the
laughter I think
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Feed line, Punch line, Laugh.
Don't fuck about.
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You getting it late nonsense.
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Are there any ginger people in tonight?
We got any ginger people?
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We have contained the problem there
Good..
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Ginger people get given hard time,
People say very unkind things about gingers.
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But I think you should be
destroyed humanely.
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I can talk, check out the look
I'm rocking
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Like a Lego Hitler.
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Das is Sta, hm?
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When I broke up with
my last girlfriend. I said:
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"I blame my self, I should never have
let you... let yourself go."
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But you have
so you have to fuck off."
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Do you read the Sunday papers, Birmingham?
Do you read the Sunday papers?
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I like the papers on Sunday morning.
These are nice times to
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Reflect on last week and
also to look ahead for next week
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We read the Sunday Paper like
News of the World in Bed
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Sunday Morning Couple of weeks ago
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Tea toast Sunday Paper What could be nice
What could be more British
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Anyway; My girlfriend turns to me, There
is some sex scandal in News of the world
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As there invariably is
My girlfriend turned to me and went:
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"I hope I never find out
you are having an affair".
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I said: Me too
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You could be moral arbiter
on this one Birmingham.
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Right? You be the moral arbiter
on this one this evening.
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I have got a friend he got dumped by his
girlfriend She ended their relationship
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Just because he said something
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They were making love
they were mid-coitus.
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Fucking
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As he orgasm, as he arrived,
ejaculated, came.
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Most intimate but also most vulnerable time
for man.As that occurred as he...
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He said: Bang! and dirty is gone"
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I can see two distinct groups of men. There
are some men looking at as if to say:
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"I don't think that's not bad".
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"I think she has over-reacted
a little bit."
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and I can see other men looking
at me as if to say, "Note to self."
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You gotta be very careful with
jokes in the bedroom.
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Cause it quite funny to say to the girl
Who is sucking you off:
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"It's rude to talk with your mouth full."
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But its even funnier if she says:
"Well, its not full."
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Having sex with someone at work is all right
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As long as you don't work
in a Primary school.
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I have got a friend who
is a part time teacher.
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Well, they all are part time.
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Are there any teachers in?
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Come on, its your own time you are wasting.
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Where the teachers?
Give us a shout. The teachers
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What was it that first attracted you to...
children?
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Not all teachers obviously
that will be mental.
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But P.E teachers, They are
Rongans.
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Do you know what P.E is short for?
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Paedo.
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It's a fact.
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You can look that up.
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You know why so many American
kids die in high school massacres?
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It's cos they are not allowed
to run in corridors
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Take your time with that. That's wrong
on number of levels.
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I don't know if you have
notice this Birmingham
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Its very difficult to get
the first kiss right.
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You wanna be firm but Gentle
You wanna be manly....
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You don't wanna wake her up.
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First dates are very delicates.
Anyone on first date this evening?
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Is anyone on first first date? No?
- Yeah, yeah.
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On your own?
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Seems a little bit suspect, doesn't it?
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"We are going somewhere very special."
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Sorry, I realised Women don't masturbate
You just expect us to believe
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You really enjoy baths
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Well Good luck if you are on first date
You see first dates are very delicate.
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Cause if you call her the next day She will
think you are too keen She'll be put off.
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If you never phone she'll think
the worst of you.
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So what I do is a compromise, I phone her
the next day and call her a slag.
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Sometimes you can sense a
friend wants to take things further.
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Will it ruin the friendship?
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Things get hot and heavy on the sofa
one night and you think:
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"This doesn't feel right
you are my best friend."
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You not even allowed on
the couch.
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"Bad Dog Down Boy."
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Did I say, "Down Boy?"
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Ah, I have made it gay.
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I fucked a girl with one leg.
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Should have used my cock.
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You know, I realize this joke
doesn't require a mime.
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Its Saturday night in Birmingham
Come on!
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I said to my girlfriend, I said:
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"Do you wanna experiment with
role play with rape fantasy?"
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She said: "No!"
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I said: "That's the spirit!"
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Rape is such a horrible word
its such a harsh brutal, awful word.
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Rape. That's why I prefer to call it:
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"A Struggle Snuggle."
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You couldn't stay mad at a
struggle Snuggle. Could you?
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Bloody adorable.
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Now, I been a comedian now
for about ten years.
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I been doing this for about ten years,
I thought this year..
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I thought this year
I would try and get a bit better.
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Not a crazy idea right? One of things I was
quite weak on was regional accents.
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Is Anyone here good at regional accents?
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- AYE.
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You could barely say the word
"Yes," there so...
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You are not even good at talking
never mind accents.
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But I was no good at doing regional accents
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And its one of those things as a comedian
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Its quite good if you could be
good at regional accents Cos
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Its good for telling jokes. I thought well I
Go away I do some research
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This evening I would like to give you a
master class in regional accents
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Cause I have discovered the secret
and secret is this
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All you need is key phrase to get
you started in regional
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Dialect and then you go on with it.
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Once you get started once you
get it in your head You're fine
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But Getting started can be tricky So I
would kick off with, I tell you what
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I'll kick off with Scouse?
Any Scouses in
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We have got Scouse over there? Where is
the Scouse? Give us a shout
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Don't worry. We are not gonna take
your benefits away.
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This is the phrase I use to do the
Scouse accent.
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This is the phrase I have in my head
to get me started in the Scouse.
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"I want some chicken
and a can of coke."
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"I want some chicken
and a can of coke."
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"A can of coke."
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00:11:14,012 --> 00:11:16,232
"I want some chicken
and a can of coke."
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00:11:16,453 --> 00:11:19,873
Little head bubble just comes if you
say it a few times.
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"I want some chicken
and a can of coke."
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Let's make Scouses feel at home.
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Let's every one on 3
"I want some chicken and a can of coke."
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OK? 1-2-3
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- "I want some chicken
and a can of coke."
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Fantastic, Birmingham.
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Bloody well done.
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00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:47,156
Obviously that's just to get you started.
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00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:50,250
Once you get started then you say
something properly authentically Scouse.
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"I want some chicken
and a can of coke."
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00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:54,699
"I'm going on the rob."
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00:11:57,238 --> 00:11:58,858
"I gotta get a presie."
191
00:11:59,408 --> 00:12:02,328
"It's me gran's birthday."
192
00:12:02,330 --> 00:12:03,850
"She is 30."
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00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:13,060
Anyone in from Belfast?
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00:12:14,340 --> 00:12:17,460
You are Belfast? Where is Belfast?
Hey Belfast.
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00:12:17,500 --> 00:12:20,520
This is the phrase I use
to get Belfast accent right.
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00:12:20,550 --> 00:12:22,770
"Ginger and Community."
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00:12:31,922 --> 00:12:34,142
The terrifying stare is optional.
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00:12:34,343 --> 00:12:35,903
But I find it helps.
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00:12:35,904 --> 00:12:37,924
"Ginger and Community."
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00:12:38,828 --> 00:12:39,948
"Community"
201
00:12:40,056 --> 00:12:42,476
Has more syllables than you thought it had
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00:12:43,197 --> 00:12:47,217
OK, lets try every one, lets go Belfast.
"Ginger and Community."
203
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:49,154
1-2-3
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00:12:49,178 --> 00:12:50,598
- "Ginger and Community."
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00:12:51,358 --> 00:12:52,478
Perfect.
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00:12:52,610 --> 00:12:56,930
You are now all qualified to say
"There is a bomb in the car."
207
00:13:00,514 --> 00:13:03,534
Roller Coaster, Pooper-Scooper
Umpa Lumpa, Kawasaki
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00:13:03,535 --> 00:13:05,755
Four unrelated words.
Meaningless
209
00:13:05,756 --> 00:13:08,533
In all respects Other than if you
are trying to do
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00:13:08,534 --> 00:13:11,176
The Geordie accent.
211
00:13:11,177 --> 00:13:13,497
In which case they are fucking gift
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00:13:14,279 --> 00:13:16,499
"Rolla Coasta"
213
00:13:17,838 --> 00:13:19,558
"Poopa Scoopa"
214
00:13:20,324 --> 00:13:22,144
Umpa-lumpa.
215
00:13:22,271 --> 00:13:23,671
Kawasaki.
216
00:13:26,220 --> 00:13:28,440
Makes me happy.
217
00:13:32,537 --> 00:13:35,357
All together, Rolla Costa
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00:13:35,571 --> 00:13:36,971
- "Rolla Coasta"
219
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:38,717
"Poopa Scoopa"
220
00:13:38,775 --> 00:13:40,175
- "Poopa Scoopa"
221
00:13:40,574 --> 00:13:41,594
Umpa-lumpa.
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00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:42,620
- "Umpa-lumpa."
223
00:13:42,714 --> 00:13:43,714
Kawasaki.
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- "KAWASAKI."
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00:13:44,736 --> 00:13:45,836
Perfect.
226
00:13:46,507 --> 00:13:48,527
Are there any Geordies in?
227
00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:54,800
No. Presumably they are outside
with their shirts off fighting.
228
00:13:54,931 --> 00:13:57,651
But I wonder what the fellas
are up to?
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00:14:01,462 --> 00:14:03,682
Welsh. Have we got any Welsh people in?
- Yeah
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00:14:04,990 --> 00:14:07,710
My God we have
got an army.
231
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:09,925
I have discovered the secret to the
Welsh accent isn't so much a phrase
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00:14:09,926 --> 00:14:11,125
Its more a state of mind
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00:14:12,041 --> 00:14:14,361
To do a good Welsh accent you
just gotta sound...
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00:14:14,362 --> 00:14:15,482
Confused.
235
00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:20,245
"Whose coat is that jacket?"
236
00:14:29,631 --> 00:14:31,651
"Whose shoes are those trainers?"
237
00:14:35,354 --> 00:14:36,774
Let's all try.
238
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:38,697
"Whose coat is that jacket?"
239
00:14:38,856 --> 00:14:40,676
- "Whose coat is that jacket?"
240
00:14:41,584 --> 00:14:43,484
"Whose shoes are those trainers?"
241
00:14:43,490 --> 00:14:45,410
- "Whose shoes are those trainers?"
242
00:14:45,599 --> 00:14:46,999
Perfect.
243
00:14:48,102 --> 00:14:51,122
"See those two houses the
One in the middle is mine."
244
00:14:56,007 --> 00:14:58,927
"That paper you sitting on
Are you reading that?"
245
00:15:02,089 --> 00:15:04,389
"I came out of the shop and
there was my bike,
246
00:15:04,390 --> 00:15:05,390
"Gone."
247
00:15:09,145 --> 00:15:10,365
Anyone from Manchester?
248
00:15:11,435 --> 00:15:12,935
No one from Manchester?
249
00:15:13,036 --> 00:15:16,856
Accent is pretty easy for Manchester
You just need three words.
250
00:15:16,900 --> 00:15:18,120
"Saw it."
251
00:15:18,217 --> 00:15:19,437
"All right."
252
00:15:19,548 --> 00:15:20,768
"Not Bad."
253
00:15:26,804 --> 00:15:28,550
You know one of my best friend is from
Manchester.
254
00:15:28,551 --> 00:15:33,445
He is called Ali. He was named after where
he was conceived
255
00:15:35,656 --> 00:15:37,576
Any Scottish people in?
We got Scottish?
256
00:15:40,894 --> 00:15:42,014
Hello.
257
00:15:42,333 --> 00:15:45,153
You are living the
stereotype, aren't you love?
258
00:15:45,556 --> 00:15:47,976
Obviously for the Scottish accent Probably
the best phrase to use is
259
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,820
"There's been a murder!"
260
00:15:52,849 --> 00:15:55,169
Chances are, There's probably
fucking has been
261
00:15:56,859 --> 00:15:58,987
Of Course living in Scotland,
The main benefits are:
262
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:01,500
Unemployment and housing.
263
00:16:04,002 --> 00:16:07,022
See the Scouses here are
perked up.
264
00:16:08,937 --> 00:16:10,657
Like a Chave meercat.
265
00:16:13,564 --> 00:16:17,084
There's is a bit of drink problem in
Scotland. I hope you don't mind me saying?
266
00:16:17,085 --> 00:16:18,705
Up there, They think I'm a double act.
267
00:16:20,675 --> 00:16:24,975
And drunks. You wouldn't believe the fucking
drunks. Whereabouts Scotland you are form?
268
00:16:25,069 --> 00:16:28,289
Fort William? I don't know where the
fuck that is.
269
00:16:28,290 --> 00:16:29,709
What? What sorry?
270
00:16:32,121 --> 00:16:35,641
You got sort of accent that meets
speech impediment I think
271
00:16:37,493 --> 00:16:39,313
Lockness Monster?
272
00:16:40,685 --> 00:16:42,705
You introducing yourself?
273
00:16:48,369 --> 00:16:49,489
Sorry.
274
00:16:50,702 --> 00:16:52,922
Didn't mean it. Sorry
275
00:16:52,939 --> 00:16:55,259
But the drugs in..
Drugs in Scotland
276
00:16:55,304 --> 00:16:59,483
Up there a drug called metadone:
I can't believe its not heroin."
277
00:17:01,012 --> 00:17:03,832
Think that the easiest accent in UK is the
West Country
278
00:17:03,833 --> 00:17:06,353
Cause the West Country is
just a pirate voice. Isn't?
279
00:17:06,507 --> 00:17:08,827
Who can't do a fucking
pirate voice?
280
00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:10,448
Arrrgh!
281
00:17:11,346 --> 00:17:13,366
I'm going on a date.
282
00:17:13,592 --> 00:17:15,412
With my sister.
283
00:17:16,789 --> 00:17:19,509
Hope my mummy doesn't
find out.
284
00:17:19,510 --> 00:17:21,230
I'm cheating on her.
285
00:17:24,276 --> 00:17:26,196
Are there people in from
West Country?
286
00:17:27,321 --> 00:17:30,241
Hey there, Hi. Hello
287
00:17:33,232 --> 00:17:34,153
I'm not being patronising.
288
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,952
I just thought it will be a treat for you
to see hand with five fingers.
289
00:17:36,953 --> 00:17:38,573
Look like that..
290
00:17:44,294 --> 00:17:48,314
Now what would be the phrase You always
gonna try and do the Birmingham accent
291
00:17:48,315 --> 00:17:50,735
What would be the phrase
for Birmingham?
292
00:17:51,515 --> 00:17:52,635
All right?
293
00:17:53,158 --> 00:17:54,278
All right?
294
00:17:55,498 --> 00:17:59,818
Other Phrase that comes up a lot in
Birmingham: "It's fucking shitty."
295
00:18:01,202 --> 00:18:03,502
"All right?"
"It's fucking shitty."
296
00:18:06,256 --> 00:18:08,576
Any other phrases for Birmingham?
297
00:18:10,342 --> 00:18:11,942
What was that?
298
00:18:12,673 --> 00:18:14,793
That was all just vowels!
299
00:18:15,906 --> 00:18:17,026
What was it?
300
00:18:19,135 --> 00:18:20,955
have ya al right?
301
00:18:21,841 --> 00:18:24,761
have ya all right
Have you had a stroke
302
00:18:32,147 --> 00:18:34,500
Said I shouldn't really joke about
stroke if I ever had a stroke
303
00:18:34,700 --> 00:18:36,300
I would be laughing at the
other side of my face
304
00:18:39,503 --> 00:18:43,223
Are there any other words? Any other key
phrases for Birmingham?
305
00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:45,277
Ah what sorry?
306
00:18:46,344 --> 00:18:47,744
Cup of Tea?
307
00:18:52,296 --> 00:18:53,516
How am Ya?
308
00:18:55,298 --> 00:18:56,698
How am Ya?
309
00:18:57,928 --> 00:18:59,448
How am Ya?
310
00:18:59,855 --> 00:19:01,575
Poorly educated.
311
00:19:12,061 --> 00:19:13,650
Have we got any other exotic
accents in the room.
312
00:19:13,660 --> 00:19:16,381
Any one from over seas or anywhere exciting
313
00:19:16,773 --> 00:19:20,093
Anyone from UK that we have missed
Any other place in the UK
314
00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:21,993
- Jersey.
315
00:19:22,019 --> 00:19:23,339
Jersey?
316
00:19:25,698 --> 00:19:28,718
You haven't got an accent
You tax dodging scum.
317
00:19:37,008 --> 00:19:40,328
Who knew there was that much
Anti-Jersey feeling
318
00:19:41,216 --> 00:19:44,536
Simmering under.
Finally some one said it!
319
00:19:45,617 --> 00:19:48,837
You are basically French.
now fuck off
320
00:19:49,677 --> 00:19:52,797
Has anyone got a different
accents we haven't covered
321
00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:56,838
Essex? You Muggy MILF you Fucky Slag
322
00:19:57,541 --> 00:20:02,561
Come on, Come on
Fucking Slag
323
00:20:05,544 --> 00:20:10,064
I don't know how they make Essex men
Presumably a man fucks a chicken
324
00:20:15,547 --> 00:20:17,967
They got a lot of that going on
Any others?
325
00:20:18,404 --> 00:20:20,024
What, Sorry?
326
00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:24,339
Aussie? I can do Aussie...
- Yorkshire!
327
00:20:26,368 --> 00:20:30,288
Yorkshire? Its 25 Pounds a ticket,
i thought we priced you out
328
00:20:36,312 --> 00:20:42,332
Yorkshire? Yorkshire. Say what I like and I
like what I bloody well say
329
00:20:42,733 --> 00:20:46,453
Wicked, Tele, Froogle
Cricket
330
00:20:48,628 --> 00:20:51,448
My favourite Yorkshire phrase is
"tin tin tin"
331
00:20:52,593 --> 00:20:56,213
Which means: "It isn't in the tin."
332
00:20:56,319 --> 00:20:57,739
Tin tin tin.
333
00:21:03,942 --> 00:21:05,342
Tin tin tin.
334
00:21:07,219 --> 00:21:10,439
Where is Australian? Give us a shout
Australian man
335
00:21:11,242 --> 00:21:13,662
You still fucking there?
Where are you?
336
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:17,880
I can do Australian.Is it the Prime Minister
or President I can never remember
337
00:21:17,881 --> 00:21:20,001
But I can Alaf from Home & Away.
338
00:21:20,402 --> 00:21:22,422
Which ever one he is.
339
00:21:22,925 --> 00:21:25,145
You are acting like a bloody hoon mate
340
00:21:25,165 --> 00:21:27,885
Alarigan and prized Galaveer
341
00:21:29,329 --> 00:21:31,949
What ever the fuck a Galaveer is
342
00:21:34,953 --> 00:21:37,073
Whereabouts in Australia you are from?
343
00:21:38,085 --> 00:21:41,485
Melbourne. So you weren't affected
by the flooding, were you?
344
00:21:44,415 --> 00:21:46,935
Is that why you sat so
high up?
345
00:21:54,306 --> 00:21:57,126
"I'm not taking any fucking chances but"
346
00:21:58,862 --> 00:22:01,290
I mean people..You know
People lost every thing in the flooding
347
00:22:01,295 --> 00:22:03,982
Cos they had forgotten to tie
their Kangaroos down
348
00:22:06,488 --> 00:22:07,608
Serious.
349
00:22:07,971 --> 00:22:10,089
People Drowned. And you Wouldn't
have expected that
350
00:22:10,090 --> 00:22:11,289
Cos they all were wearing
hats with corks on
351
00:22:15,769 --> 00:22:16,889
Any others?
352
00:22:17,792 --> 00:22:19,112
What? What was that one?
353
00:22:19,966 --> 00:22:21,186
You are Chinese?
354
00:22:24,260 --> 00:22:26,380
You don't really sound Chinese Sir.
355
00:22:26,420 --> 00:22:30,040
I'll be honest with you and I think
if I did a Chinese accent now it would...
356
00:22:30,041 --> 00:22:33,261
It would smack a
"Razy Lacism".
357
00:22:39,442 --> 00:22:42,162
Oh That take you a long time
innit?
358
00:22:42,163 --> 00:22:44,783
"Hang on, Hang on. Oh no Got it"
359
00:22:44,784 --> 00:22:45,904
Any others?
360
00:22:46,225 --> 00:22:47,345
Jamaican?
361
00:22:48,041 --> 00:22:49,161
Jamaica?
362
00:22:49,162 --> 00:22:50,682
You know what my name is?
363
00:22:51,313 --> 00:22:52,833
You aware of this?
364
00:22:53,113 --> 00:22:55,133
Oh well this will be a treat for you.
365
00:22:55,220 --> 00:22:59,040
I would like every one in the room
to say my name in Jamaican accent.
366
00:22:59,393 --> 00:23:01,213
1-2-3.
367
00:23:01,287 --> 00:23:02,987
- JIMMY CARR.
368
00:23:09,105 --> 00:23:10,925
I'm "Jamaica."
369
00:23:14,533 --> 00:23:16,353
Did he went: "Yeah."
370
00:23:17,190 --> 00:23:20,210
Bombaclat.
371
00:23:23,252 --> 00:23:26,072
Apparently we got some bombaclat in.
I don't know.
372
00:23:26,131 --> 00:23:27,751
Hold on a bloody minute.
373
00:23:27,779 --> 00:23:28,899
Any others?
374
00:23:29,726 --> 00:23:32,046
Dublin? Where is the Dublin?
375
00:23:32,047 --> 00:23:33,267
Hello! You from Dublin?
376
00:23:33,268 --> 00:23:37,087
I saw documentary about your weddings
I thought that was terrific
377
00:23:42,596 --> 00:23:46,816
That's my fav.. You know I'm a plastic paddy
What they call a plastic paddy I got
378
00:23:46,817 --> 00:23:50,014
Irish parents,Irish passport,Born in Ireland
But I speak and present myself in this way
379
00:23:50,020 --> 00:23:53,101
because I was raised and educated in home
county's which goes to show what you can do
380
00:23:53,223 --> 00:23:54,423
When you apply yourself
381
00:23:59,484 --> 00:24:03,404
Do you wanna hear my favourite Irish joke.
Maybe only Irish people get this joke
382
00:24:03,405 --> 00:24:08,425
I'll tell you and see. What's the difference
between a riot and a gypsy weeding?
383
00:24:08,625 --> 00:24:12,145
You can't buy a gate at a riot.
384
00:24:15,025 --> 00:24:17,645
Maybe that's just an Irish thing
I don't know, Well, we'll move on.
385
00:24:17,648 --> 00:24:20,531
Every year in my show
I write some jokes that require
386
00:24:20,532 --> 00:24:23,568
A visual element to be fully enjoyed
and this year is no exception
387
00:24:23,569 --> 00:24:25,301
So what I thought I do right now is
show you some of the pictures
388
00:24:25,302 --> 00:24:27,190
I have done to illustrate the next
jokes. Do you wanna see them?
389
00:24:27,590 --> 00:24:28,110
- Yeah.
390
00:24:28,149 --> 00:24:30,669
Excellent news. Cause that is what
happens next
391
00:24:30,804 --> 00:24:34,524
I had some ideas. I kick off with some ideas
I have had a idea for a
392
00:24:34,525 --> 00:24:36,420
Rape Alarm that when you press it plays
393
00:24:36,546 --> 00:24:40,046
Benny Hill theme music.
394
00:24:40,304 --> 00:24:42,424
You know to make it more of a keeper.
395
00:24:45,464 --> 00:24:48,684
Some advice for you. The best way to test
the temperature of bath is with the
396
00:24:48,685 --> 00:24:50,785
Baby's elbow.
397
00:24:54,002 --> 00:24:57,522
I had an idea how to proper par currency
the Pound against Euro and the Dollar
398
00:24:57,523 --> 00:25:01,343
What you do is you print new Pounds and
this time the Queen is smiling
399
00:25:01,901 --> 00:25:05,321
And if things get really bad
Tits out your majesty
400
00:25:08,066 --> 00:25:12,086
Lil Joke for you. What would you get if you
cross the Queen and prince Philip
401
00:25:12,142 --> 00:25:13,562
Killed in a tunnel.
402
00:25:13,742 --> 00:25:15,762
-Carr Killed by Fiat Driver-
403
00:25:16,695 --> 00:25:18,095
Too soon?
404
00:25:19,110 --> 00:25:22,110
Its been 14 years.
Get over it.
405
00:25:24,499 --> 00:25:27,219
All right, Point taken. I'll drop that
from Royal Variety.
406
00:25:29,841 --> 00:25:32,261
I say that Prince Philip have already
pissed himself
407
00:25:33,466 --> 00:25:36,586
Although he is 82.He probably
piss himself anyway
408
00:25:37,303 --> 00:25:39,203
Some thoughts for you.
409
00:25:39,204 --> 00:25:43,724
When you think about it a Rhino is just a
Unicorn that didn't moisturise.
410
00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:50,080
Gillette. Gillette Claims to be
"The best a man can get".
411
00:25:50,081 --> 00:25:52,501
What about a blow job from twins?
412
00:25:53,724 --> 00:25:57,744
Whatever happened to Jedwood?
413
00:26:04,503 --> 00:26:06,823
The speed men shaving adverts
414
00:26:06,824 --> 00:26:11,244
If I shave to that kind of speed My balls
are being shreds
415
00:26:12,124 --> 00:26:14,570
When I was told I was bipolar
416
00:26:14,571 --> 00:26:17,744
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry
417
00:26:19,017 --> 00:26:22,437
Friend's of mine got OCD. For those of you
that don't know OCD is an abbreviation
418
00:26:22,438 --> 00:26:27,958
It's just a shorter and quicker way of
saying. I'd be a really annoying girlfriend
419
00:26:32,653 --> 00:26:34,173
True Story.
420
00:26:38,701 --> 00:26:42,221
If all the veins in your body were
laid out in straight line
421
00:26:42,222 --> 00:26:44,042
You would die.
422
00:26:46,348 --> 00:26:48,568
Let's talk about some social
issues
423
00:26:48,569 --> 00:26:50,330
My neighbour is noisy and nosey.
424
00:26:50,350 --> 00:26:51,958
He is always banging on the walls shouting:
425
00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:54,458
"Is anyone there I have fallen,
Is anyone there?"
426
00:26:55,524 --> 00:26:58,344
It's none of your business,
if anyone is here
427
00:26:59,187 --> 00:27:01,407
Still he has gone quiet now
428
00:27:04,510 --> 00:27:07,030
Childhood is now effectively over
by 11
429
00:27:07,272 --> 00:27:11,392
Which is when pubs close and Uncle
Terry gets home.
430
00:27:14,844 --> 00:27:16,864
Owh Uncle Terry.
431
00:27:19,718 --> 00:27:22,038
I was traumatized as a child
432
00:27:22,377 --> 00:27:23,897
Our Priest
433
00:27:23,898 --> 00:27:25,918
was cheating on me
434
00:27:28,894 --> 00:27:32,714
I just want to reach out to people that have
attempted suicide and say:
435
00:27:32,715 --> 00:27:35,035
"Come on, Have another go."
436
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:40,020
Keys to the city, That's a weird thing.
Keys to the city
437
00:27:40,021 --> 00:27:44,341
Course they don't have that in Liverpool
do they? You just get given a coat hanger.
438
00:27:48,391 --> 00:27:51,811
As of fashion statements Socks with sandles
says:
439
00:27:51,812 --> 00:27:54,532
I'm either A German, A Paedophile
Or a Cunt.
440
00:27:55,636 --> 00:27:58,156
Quite possibly; All three.
441
00:28:02,815 --> 00:28:06,035
Apologies to any Paedophiles or
cunts we have in
442
00:28:09,698 --> 00:28:13,618
Its not gonna be any Germans,
Its a comedy gig
443
00:28:14,860 --> 00:28:17,180
Health: Lets talk about health.
Health is important. Isn't it?
444
00:28:17,181 --> 00:28:19,980
I heard that because of women putting on so
much weight during pregnancy
445
00:28:19,981 --> 00:28:22,201
Its a good idea to take off your
weeding ring.
446
00:28:22,202 --> 00:28:24,122
So I did
447
00:28:26,527 --> 00:28:30,247
Posh Spice. Victoria Beckham. She is so thin
she gotta be careful when she has a bath
448
00:28:30,248 --> 00:28:35,268
Cause if the water is to hot she could
turn into stock
449
00:28:37,695 --> 00:28:41,120
Obese Children put a lot of strain on NHS.
450
00:28:41,125 --> 00:28:43,336
Not to mention See-Saws and swings
451
00:28:45,093 --> 00:28:46,699
You know if things carry on as they are
452
00:28:46,700 --> 00:28:49,899
it is predicted that in 40 years
time the average toddler
453
00:28:49,914 --> 00:28:51,434
will be 43.
454
00:28:56,316 --> 00:28:59,936
I tell you what, Lets talk about religion,
That could not possibly upset anyone
455
00:29:00,630 --> 00:29:04,650
If Jesus is the way and to be
a Christian is be in Christ?
456
00:29:04,851 --> 00:29:07,771
Then, Aren't Christians just in the way?
457
00:29:10,059 --> 00:29:11,779
Jesus Says he Loves me
458
00:29:11,780 --> 00:29:14,200
But I worry about the age gap
459
00:29:22,180 --> 00:29:24,700
Now you have notice out
of deference and respect
460
00:29:24,749 --> 00:29:27,469
To our Lord and Saviour:
Jesus Christ
461
00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:29,980
I have let him bum me
462
00:29:35,564 --> 00:29:38,284
I have got a Muslim friend
who is very religious
463
00:29:41,741 --> 00:29:44,461
Feel the tension in the room
464
00:29:46,918 --> 00:29:51,038
I have got a Muslim friend who is very
religious, He knows the Quran Backwards
465
00:29:51,039 --> 00:29:53,859
Which is handy cause that's
how you read it
466
00:29:54,408 --> 00:29:57,828
Surprisingly well informed and in offensive
joke about Islamic faith
467
00:29:57,829 --> 00:30:00,349
And that's because I'm not a
fucking idiot.
468
00:30:03,882 --> 00:30:06,602
What the Christians gonna do?
Forgive me?
469
00:30:07,976 --> 00:30:10,296
Good luck with that.
470
00:30:10,983 --> 00:30:14,503
Speaking of Christians any
Catholics in?
471
00:30:14,504 --> 00:30:17,624
A few Catholics. Catholics are
a weird bunch
472
00:30:17,625 --> 00:30:21,445
Look at the Rosary, Basically
Anal Beads.
473
00:30:28,322 --> 00:30:29,442
Thank you Very Much
474
00:30:32,489 --> 00:30:35,309
Excellent, Now I think next thing for
me career wise Ladies and Gentleman
475
00:30:35,310 --> 00:30:38,230
Will be doing some sort of interview show
Where I talk to people
476
00:30:38,231 --> 00:30:42,151
You know this kind of set up Couple of
chairs You face off against each other
477
00:30:42,152 --> 00:30:45,472
Parkinson, Jonathan Ross, Graham Norton.
Those kind of shows.
478
00:30:45,473 --> 00:30:49,793
That would be great to get but you can't
just start doing that on TV like day one
479
00:30:49,794 --> 00:30:53,614
That would be tricky. So I thought what
I would do on this tour is practice
480
00:30:53,615 --> 00:30:56,835
Get some one out in the audience every night
with an interesting job or a claim to fame
481
00:30:57,036 --> 00:31:00,356
And interview them and get a bit of
practice with the interviewing.
482
00:31:00,357 --> 00:31:04,377
So to that end, Does anyone have an
interesting job or a claim to fame?
483
00:31:04,486 --> 00:31:06,606
Oh go on, Your hand goes straight up,
What do you do?
484
00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:10,920
You are on T.V in Poland.
485
00:31:12,054 --> 00:31:15,474
I will take that to mean, You work in
adult film business.
486
00:31:18,042 --> 00:31:21,662
You been on Polish tv, That's a claim to
fame well done you.
487
00:31:21,663 --> 00:31:25,183
And Polish Radio. Well Finally
488
00:31:25,391 --> 00:31:27,411
That fucking sealed the deal
489
00:31:31,520 --> 00:31:33,740
Ok. Any other claims to fame,
Interesting jobs?
490
00:31:33,741 --> 00:31:35,461
Any other? It could be from
anywhere
491
00:31:35,856 --> 00:31:37,776
You are a priest. Who is a Priest?
492
00:31:40,299 --> 00:31:41,819
You are a priest?
493
00:31:42,821 --> 00:31:44,541
I'm looking at you
494
00:31:44,924 --> 00:31:47,644
I think you might had some dealing with
priests
495
00:31:49,203 --> 00:31:50,923
Just stand up, Just for a second.
496
00:31:51,279 --> 00:31:53,099
Turn around so that people
can see you
497
00:31:53,348 --> 00:31:56,727
You see, I mean, Am i
498
00:32:01,813 --> 00:32:03,633
Am I being cynical?
499
00:32:03,634 --> 00:32:06,654
Cause he is definitely not a fucking
priest.
500
00:32:07,544 --> 00:32:09,764
Any other interesting jobs?
501
00:32:10,343 --> 00:32:11,863
What Sorry?
502
00:32:11,870 --> 00:32:12,750
- I own my own pizza shop.
503
00:32:12,751 --> 00:32:14,757
You own your own Pizza shop.
504
00:32:15,794 --> 00:32:18,014
Is that a fucking job for yourself.
505
00:32:19,347 --> 00:32:21,667
"I own me own Pizza Shop."
506
00:32:25,161 --> 00:32:29,181
There is a massive problem with obesity in
this country, You should be fucking ashamed.
507
00:32:31,075 --> 00:32:34,595
Pizza, Well done!!
And best Pizza you say?
508
00:32:34,596 --> 00:32:36,616
- Voted best pizza in Britain
509
00:32:36,617 --> 00:32:38,737
Voted best pizza in Britain by.....
510
00:32:38,738 --> 00:32:39,858
You?
511
00:32:45,453 --> 00:32:48,073
Best independent Pizza Co....
512
00:32:48,074 --> 00:32:49,894
I didn't care the first time
513
00:32:58,803 --> 00:33:01,000
Any other unusual jobs or
claims to fame?
514
00:33:01,200 --> 00:33:02,500
- I'm a funeral director
515
00:33:02,701 --> 00:33:03,921
You are what?
516
00:33:04,121 --> 00:33:05,121
- Funeral Director
517
00:33:05,686 --> 00:33:07,906
A Funeral director..
518
00:33:08,458 --> 00:33:09,778
Love..
519
00:33:14,513 --> 00:33:17,533
Your voice couldn't go any better
with your job
520
00:33:18,086 --> 00:33:19,406
"He is fucking dead."
521
00:33:23,379 --> 00:33:25,399
"How am ya?"
"Dead"
522
00:33:26,430 --> 00:33:28,450
"Its fucking shitty"
523
00:33:29,013 --> 00:33:31,633
A funeral director,
That's interesting..
524
00:33:31,634 --> 00:33:34,254
I mean as a job that's
fascinating.
525
00:33:34,255 --> 00:33:35,575
Any other interesting jobs?
526
00:33:35,837 --> 00:33:37,157
What's your name?
527
00:33:37,167 --> 00:33:38,987
Caroline, What you do Caroline?
528
00:33:40,225 --> 00:33:41,645
You work in T.V
529
00:33:42,438 --> 00:33:43,958
What do you do in T.V
530
00:33:44,994 --> 00:33:46,714
You work on what , Sorry?
531
00:33:47,186 --> 00:33:51,306
You work on Holby City.
532
00:33:51,621 --> 00:33:53,441
Well done. I Love it
533
00:33:53,577 --> 00:33:55,797
I Love what you have done with
Holby City.
534
00:33:55,798 --> 00:34:00,198
I think the fucking genius move with
Holby City was casting Hugh Lauriho,
535
00:34:00,200 --> 00:34:03,220
and changing the location to America
536
00:34:09,044 --> 00:34:10,764
Well done you.
537
00:34:11,083 --> 00:34:14,703
I think we should talk to the Funeral...
Should we talk to the funeral director?
538
00:34:14,704 --> 00:34:17,325
Funeral director. What are the chances of
you getting down here.Don't fucking jump
539
00:34:17,326 --> 00:34:20,424
Or we would have to bury you
540
00:34:20,673 --> 00:34:23,893
Make your way down to here then we can talk
to funeral director. That sounds exciting
541
00:34:23,894 --> 00:34:27,014
While he is making his way down...
Yeah give him, give him a smash
542
00:34:30,882 --> 00:34:34,823
While he is making his way down cause its a
big old venue it'll take him a minute
543
00:34:34,824 --> 00:34:37,844
Any other claims to fame in the room
any other exciting...
544
00:34:38,950 --> 00:34:40,070
You are what?
545
00:34:40,827 --> 00:34:44,347
You are a palaeontologist?
in Birmingham?
546
00:34:45,455 --> 00:34:49,099
In any case if Dinosaur..
Its Dinosaur bones, Yes?
547
00:34:49,100 --> 00:34:51,120
And you look at those
548
00:34:51,567 --> 00:34:55,987
Not just Dinosaur, Have you got any
part time job in Aztec
549
00:34:56,860 --> 00:34:58,480
What else do you look at?
550
00:34:59,953 --> 00:35:02,173
Different Fossils. WOW!
551
00:35:03,597 --> 00:35:07,117
Palaeontology is brilliant wonderful
scientific thing to do
552
00:35:07,118 --> 00:35:09,638
I did a project on Dinosaurs
when I was six.
553
00:35:09,639 --> 00:35:12,859
I loved it. I was very excited, I did lot of
Pictures and I stuck them in
554
00:35:12,860 --> 00:35:15,265
And I did a whole project on Dinosaurs
and I love them
555
00:35:15,301 --> 00:35:18,201
And then what I did, and this is an
interesting note to you
556
00:35:18,202 --> 00:35:20,522
I grew up
557
00:35:29,098 --> 00:35:32,218
Still doing my Dinosaur book
I like it
558
00:35:32,219 --> 00:35:33,339
Rrraaa!
559
00:35:34,046 --> 00:35:37,566
I will indulge you..
What's your favourite Dinosaur?
560
00:35:38,336 --> 00:35:39,756
Velociraptor.
561
00:35:40,070 --> 00:35:41,790
Because of Jurassic Park.
562
00:35:44,045 --> 00:35:47,065
Ah, But you might as well have said Barney
563
00:35:52,226 --> 00:35:53,746
Grow up.
564
00:35:54,384 --> 00:35:56,704
Where the fuck has this undertaker gone?
565
00:35:57,642 --> 00:36:00,662
I'm starting to worry that there has been
a death in the village
566
00:36:01,036 --> 00:36:02,656
and he's been called away
567
00:36:04,243 --> 00:36:05,863
Where the fuck is he?
568
00:36:08,384 --> 00:36:10,904
Where the fucking hell did you
come from?
569
00:36:11,026 --> 00:36:12,846
Come and say Hello!
570
00:36:12,847 --> 00:36:15,767
You are a funeral director.
Hello, How are you?
571
00:36:15,768 --> 00:36:17,988
Come and say hello.
572
00:36:20,859 --> 00:36:23,279
Right, How are you Sir?
Have a sit down.
573
00:36:23,322 --> 00:36:25,042
I'm all right.
What's your....
574
00:36:25,859 --> 00:36:26,979
Sorry
575
00:36:27,674 --> 00:36:28,794
How am Ya?
576
00:36:29,639 --> 00:36:32,059
.............
577
00:36:32,060 --> 00:36:34,980
OK. You are not a gangster Rapper
Just hold that like....
578
00:36:35,895 --> 00:36:38,315
Hold that like a normal human being.
579
00:36:40,235 --> 00:36:42,855
What's your name? I didn't even
get your name. John!
580
00:36:42,856 --> 00:36:45,035
John,OK. Well I will set this up properly,
Hello my name is Jimmy Carr
581
00:36:45,100 --> 00:36:47,500
And I'm joined this evening by John
582
00:36:47,501 --> 00:36:50,997
The Funeral director from Birmingham
583
00:36:52,053 --> 00:36:53,173
John
584
00:36:54,678 --> 00:36:56,798
Tell us Sir, What is your...
585
00:36:57,010 --> 00:36:59,630
What is your average day involve
586
00:37:00,914 --> 00:37:04,834
Making Coffins and doing funerals
587
00:37:05,006 --> 00:37:07,726
Doing Funerals?
Yeah Yeah
588
00:37:07,727 --> 00:37:09,947
"Making Coffins".
Yeah Yeah
589
00:37:10,083 --> 00:37:12,503
Collecting Deceased
590
00:37:18,302 --> 00:37:20,822
I'm slightly terrified by you.
591
00:37:22,082 --> 00:37:24,802
How do you... So you collect the body?
In a Hearse or?
592
00:37:24,803 --> 00:37:27,118
Just the back of Transit?
In the private ambulance.
593
00:37:27,123 --> 00:37:31,443
Sort of like a Transit but a bit more
Sophisticated.
594
00:37:31,444 --> 00:37:34,230
Bit more Sophisticated.
When you say "Private Ambulance"? Is it
595
00:37:34,240 --> 00:37:39,306
Just a transit with ambulance written on it
in paint , in dirt?
596
00:37:39,356 --> 00:37:41,476
Not really, Not quite like that
597
00:37:41,477 --> 00:37:43,997
So you go and collect them from the..
598
00:37:43,998 --> 00:37:46,898
So you have to turn up all kind of you
know in black suit and stuff? Do you?
599
00:37:47,170 --> 00:37:48,290
Yeah Yeah
600
00:37:48,484 --> 00:37:52,104
That's why I'm sitting here and nobody
recognizes me.
601
00:37:52,435 --> 00:37:56,055
They are not gonna recognize you
anyway cause they are dead
602
00:37:59,356 --> 00:38:00,976
That's Probably....
603
00:38:02,928 --> 00:38:07,599
I just.. I can't believe I'm here with you
Nice one.. This is unreal
604
00:38:08,000 --> 00:38:10,469
Must be lovely to meet some one who
is still breathing
605
00:38:10,771 --> 00:38:14,591
Lovely fucking change for you.
Do you get involved in the embarming
606
00:38:14,974 --> 00:38:17,000
Not So much now
607
00:38:17,016 --> 00:38:19,136
When I first started I had a bit you know
608
00:38:19,137 --> 00:38:21,007
I had with that stuff but not so much now
609
00:38:22,179 --> 00:38:24,099
I been doing it for years.
Sorry
610
00:38:24,100 --> 00:38:26,720
So not so much now Sounds like there was
an incident
611
00:38:26,721 --> 00:38:28,721
That stopped you from doing it.
Nah Nah Nah
612
00:38:28,722 --> 00:38:31,522
Sounds like, well hang on get
away from there
613
00:38:31,523 --> 00:38:33,242
I tend not to..
614
00:38:34,543 --> 00:38:36,563
Do much with the bodies any more
615
00:38:36,564 --> 00:38:37,934
If that's..
616
00:38:37,935 --> 00:38:39,355
That's the right thing to say.
617
00:38:39,356 --> 00:38:41,676
You don't do so much with the bodies now?
618
00:38:41,677 --> 00:38:44,497
No No. I'm more to do with
619
00:38:44,498 --> 00:38:48,098
coffins and funerals.
Now you work in this industry
620
00:38:48,149 --> 00:38:52,169
Is there any...Now necrophilia is
something that is talked about.
621
00:38:53,475 --> 00:38:54,895
I'm only asking
622
00:38:54,900 --> 00:38:58,320
Cos, Because people think They are gonna
get away with it
623
00:38:58,321 --> 00:39:02,341
But ultimately you know, They'd get caught
cos some rotten cunt will spilt on them
624
00:39:05,282 --> 00:39:07,802
It's my necrophilia joke everyone.
625
00:39:07,803 --> 00:39:09,323
You are welcome
626
00:39:10,757 --> 00:39:13,777
I haven't been caught yet.
You haven't been caught
627
00:39:25,208 --> 00:39:27,928
Do you know any of my favourite
like funeral joke
628
00:39:27,929 --> 00:39:31,049
Not undertaker joke. I don't know if it
like based on the true thing.
629
00:39:31,050 --> 00:39:35,470
You might even know this even. There There..
Old lady, beautiful nice old lady
630
00:39:35,474 --> 00:39:40,344
her husband died, she goes to the funeral
parlour or where you work
631
00:39:40,345 --> 00:39:44,365
She was talking to the guy that does your
job and he says:He is beautifully laid out
632
00:39:44,366 --> 00:39:47,786
That classic sort of thing always: "Never
looked better, Looks lovely But"
633
00:39:47,787 --> 00:39:51,107
"I wanted him to be in his blue suit,
and you got him in brown suit"
634
00:39:51,108 --> 00:39:54,428
"Could you put him in his blue suit, I mean
his brown suit" and guy says:
635
00:39:54,429 --> 00:39:57,449
"Not a problem madam" and then leans out on
door and goes
636
00:39:57,450 --> 00:40:00,170
"Change the heads on two and four"
637
00:40:10,203 --> 00:40:13,030
Cos presumably once you burying them
Do things get stopped
638
00:40:13,031 --> 00:40:15,223
Do people get buried with jewellery?
639
00:40:15,224 --> 00:40:18,944
Na na nothing like that.
Its a nice watch man
640
00:40:21,386 --> 00:40:22,906
Just
641
00:40:27,635 --> 00:40:31,055
so you live in Birmingham?
642
00:40:31,056 --> 00:40:35,076
Just outside Birmingham.
Black Country.
643
00:40:35,274 --> 00:40:39,094
Black country in a Black Country.
Racist
644
00:40:45,924 --> 00:40:49,044
That's an interesting thing.
How did you get into being a...
645
00:40:49,045 --> 00:40:52,165
I did my work experience when I was
in school
646
00:40:54,756 --> 00:40:58,076
You did your work experience
Yeah yeah
647
00:40:58,077 --> 00:41:01,197
Sounds like you turned up to that
meeting late
648
00:41:01,198 --> 00:41:04,818
What's left sir? Well you are gonna be
working with corpses
649
00:41:05,451 --> 00:41:08,271
That's quite a cool thing.
Isn't? Sure
650
00:41:08,272 --> 00:41:10,292
Has anyone ever woken up?
651
00:41:11,819 --> 00:41:14,821
No. Cos you hear stories about something
to do with fluids in spine
652
00:41:15,021 --> 00:41:17,323
You hear stories about
people kind of bolt up right
653
00:41:17,540 --> 00:41:20,960
Oh never, Never Nothing like that
654
00:41:20,961 --> 00:41:24,281
Nothing like that.You just position them
How you want your own way
655
00:41:30,164 --> 00:41:33,984
John You come up with the thing you like
I think its an interesting thing to do
656
00:41:33,985 --> 00:41:37,005
It a lifeless ordeal to work as funeral
director kind of corpses and things
657
00:41:37,006 --> 00:41:40,126
And death you gotta deal with it. Part
of life Whatever
658
00:41:40,645 --> 00:41:43,365
I feel, I should give something back and
the thing I'm good at
659
00:41:43,366 --> 00:41:45,786
is writing jokes. I'm good at doing
one liners so I would like to do
660
00:41:45,787 --> 00:41:47,907
A joke for you about any..
Its sort of like..
661
00:41:47,908 --> 00:41:51,428
It's what I can do. What I can offer the
world is jokes.
662
00:41:51,429 --> 00:41:53,949
So what would you like a joke about?
Could be anything at all.
663
00:41:53,950 --> 00:41:56,670
Could be funeral directing could be getting
married, Could be anything you want
664
00:41:56,671 --> 00:42:00,991
Anything at all. I will write a joke
of the top of my head just really quick
665
00:42:00,999 --> 00:42:02,919
Drum and bass Music.
666
00:42:08,945 --> 00:42:12,965
Why did.. Why did the Lion get lost
in the forest
667
00:42:12,966 --> 00:42:14,186
I don't know
668
00:42:14,187 --> 00:42:19,807
Because Jungle is massive.
669
00:42:27,581 --> 00:42:30,501
I think.. I think that was too easy
670
00:42:30,502 --> 00:42:32,622
I think that was too easy a thing
671
00:42:32,623 --> 00:42:38,343
Why don't you go for something else.
Something more difficult. Anything at all
672
00:42:39,999 --> 00:42:41,119
Motor Bikes
673
00:42:41,980 --> 00:42:47,100
All right OK.OK two motorcycle guys
Bikers
674
00:42:47,101 --> 00:42:51,120
Like Hells Angels Bikers. Two Guys
massive Bikes
675
00:42:51,121 --> 00:42:54,941
Walk into a bar. They are all in Holy Debs
and kit Whatever
676
00:42:54,942 --> 00:43:00,062
Helmets on. Walk into a bar.
Barman sees them coming. Bar man Goes:
677
00:43:00,063 --> 00:43:03,783
"Drinks, Gentlemen?" And the Bikers go:
678
00:43:07,202 --> 00:43:10,222
Cos, its two of them
679
00:43:12,432 --> 00:43:17,952
That's pretty good though.
Time out, Could you just....
680
00:43:19,541 --> 00:43:22,661
John, This is not like a set up thing?
I don't know you right?
681
00:43:22,662 --> 00:43:25,902
So off the top of my head you said Bikers
you could've said anything
682
00:43:25,903 --> 00:43:29,223
Motor Bikes and I did Bikers and
off the top.. Two of them and then..
683
00:43:30,347 --> 00:43:31,567
Brilliant.
684
00:43:33,158 --> 00:43:36,478
John every one. Give him round of applause
Thank you so much
685
00:43:36,479 --> 00:43:42,479
Really appreciate coming out man.
Thank you so much. John everyone
686
00:43:47,053 --> 00:43:50,673
I very much enjoyed my brilliant
motor bike joke
687
00:43:51,031 --> 00:43:55,151
There was no joke there John
We were just fucking with you
688
00:43:56,263 --> 00:44:00,283
He is the nicest man. I hope when I die
he buries me
689
00:44:00,441 --> 00:44:02,061
Don't interfere John
690
00:44:03,038 --> 00:44:04,158
Leave that alone
691
00:44:04,715 --> 00:44:07,835
I didn't like it when I was alive
692
00:44:09,612 --> 00:44:11,132
Right, More of me
693
00:44:12,119 --> 00:44:14,439
My Girlfriend said to me during sex
694
00:44:14,573 --> 00:44:16,993
She said:
"Did you remember to lock the front door?"
695
00:44:16,994 --> 00:44:20,314
I said: " yeah, There is no way you
gonna escape"
696
00:44:21,532 --> 00:44:23,552
I had a relationship with a blind girl
697
00:44:23,553 --> 00:44:27,073
Which was rewarding but challenging.
It took me ages to
698
00:44:27,074 --> 00:44:30,394
Get her husband's voice right.
699
00:44:34,882 --> 00:44:36,402
You didn't see that coming
700
00:44:37,928 --> 00:44:39,448
Neither did she
701
00:44:42,764 --> 00:44:45,884
Who picks up guide dog's shit?
702
00:44:53,583 --> 00:44:56,440
Some young women drink so
much they black out
703
00:44:56,441 --> 00:44:57,640
And can't remember what happened
the night before
704
00:44:57,804 --> 00:45:02,124
If that's you, Don't worry Love
I made a video
705
00:45:03,159 --> 00:45:05,979
I shouldn't joke. my grand dad
was an alcoholic
706
00:45:05,980 --> 00:45:07,900
We used to call him "Alcho Pops"
707
00:45:09,403 --> 00:45:11,623
I remember I used to press flowers
708
00:45:11,624 --> 00:45:15,144
Well I say they used to fall over a lot
in the garden
709
00:45:17,366 --> 00:45:20,286
Have you been to cinema recently?
has anyone been to cinema?
710
00:45:20,287 --> 00:45:24,007
There is an advert now in cinema telling
you not to buy pirate DVDs
711
00:45:24,008 --> 00:45:26,528
Because its not the real cinema experience
712
00:45:26,529 --> 00:45:28,513
And it goes on to say, because
if you buy a pirate DvD
713
00:45:28,514 --> 00:45:29,512
Someone might get up in the middle of film
714
00:45:29,513 --> 00:45:32,350
And go for a piss and you think,
Yeah that is annoying
715
00:45:32,360 --> 00:45:35,270
But its a lot like being in the cinema
716
00:45:39,894 --> 00:45:43,114
My ex girlfriend bought me the Kamasutra
last year as a gift
717
00:45:43,115 --> 00:45:46,435
Which put me in very awkward position.
718
00:45:49,385 --> 00:45:52,305
I would like to talk about a sex act that i
don't fully understand
719
00:45:52,306 --> 00:45:54,926
Are you all familiar with the 69 Yes?
720
00:45:54,927 --> 00:45:57,847
I like the 69 as much as the next man
721
00:45:58,109 --> 00:46:01,029
Hoping that isn't a man that would
be terrible
722
00:46:01,197 --> 00:46:04,017
I like the 69 but I don't really
understand it because its
723
00:46:04,118 --> 00:46:06,138
incredibly intimate thing to do with another
human being
724
00:46:06,308 --> 00:46:10,228
But how does 69 ever occurred
Only ever happens when the man says to woman
725
00:46:10,229 --> 00:46:12,549
"Would you do that thing that I like?"
726
00:46:12,550 --> 00:46:16,170
And woman goes all right "but only if you do
the thing that I like"
727
00:46:16,171 --> 00:46:17,991
Not a problem there you go
728
00:46:17,992 --> 00:46:21,412
And the woman says: No because the last time
I did the thing that you liked
729
00:46:21,413 --> 00:46:23,133
You were little bit sleepy afterwards
730
00:46:24,135 --> 00:46:25,955
You fucked off to sleep.
731
00:46:25,956 --> 00:46:30,076
You said we'd call it 68. It's like the
69 but I owe you one
732
00:46:32,725 --> 00:46:35,645
I like every thing about 69 apart from
the view
733
00:46:38,866 --> 00:46:41,686
The Paraneium or tint
734
00:46:41,687 --> 00:46:44,207
I like to call it the Amanda Holden.
735
00:46:44,675 --> 00:46:47,800
Because Like Amanda Holden,
on Britain got talent last year
736
00:46:47,810 --> 00:46:50,516
Its the bit between ass hole and cunt
737
00:46:53,164 --> 00:46:54,784
Piers fucking Morgan.
738
00:46:54,785 --> 00:46:56,505
He is interviewing people now
739
00:46:56,506 --> 00:46:58,830
When I said I wanted Piers Morgan
to get Parkinson's,
740
00:46:58,840 --> 00:47:01,447
I didn't mean his fucking job
741
00:47:06,684 --> 00:47:09,604
You shaking your head
at Parkinson's joke
742
00:47:09,605 --> 00:47:11,525
That's inappropriate.
743
00:47:19,881 --> 00:47:22,901
All right lets try some rude stuff
see how we get along
744
00:47:25,091 --> 00:47:26,211
Lady wind
745
00:47:27,560 --> 00:47:28,680
Queefing
746
00:47:29,320 --> 00:47:30,840
Fanny Farts
747
00:47:31,096 --> 00:47:35,416
The Expulsion of air from Vajayjay during
sexual intercourse
748
00:47:35,417 --> 00:47:37,437
A Cunt Grunt
749
00:47:41,142 --> 00:47:43,562
There are two main responses when a
queef occurs
750
00:47:43,563 --> 00:47:47,083
Some couples it doesn't matter how
gnarly and squishy the noise
751
00:47:47,084 --> 00:47:49,084
They deny the queef
752
00:47:49,085 --> 00:47:51,305
Did you hear anything?
No I didn't hear anything
753
00:47:51,483 --> 00:47:53,003
And they move on
754
00:47:53,127 --> 00:47:56,547
Some couples its a funny little noise
They'll have a little giggle they move on
755
00:47:56,548 --> 00:47:58,468
Not a problem.
I like to go on a third way
756
00:47:58,469 --> 00:48:01,089
I like to pretend that vagina is
talking to me
757
00:48:02,247 --> 00:48:05,767
What's that? "there's a boy trapped
down in a well"
758
00:48:06,176 --> 00:48:09,396
I like to think of myself as
The Vagina Whisperer
759
00:48:12,066 --> 00:48:13,886
What happened? Did you get a phone call?
760
00:48:14,477 --> 00:48:18,297
This Scottish lady got a phone call
I imagine drugs are arriving any minute
761
00:48:19,145 --> 00:48:20,465
You all right?
762
00:48:20,781 --> 00:48:23,401
You switched it off and it rang anyway
763
00:48:23,524 --> 00:48:25,944
Ah well, I'm not buying that fucking story
764
00:48:26,799 --> 00:48:30,319
Don't worry. It's OK. Its only a phone
Don't feel bad
765
00:48:30,320 --> 00:48:33,430
Oh sorry, Its a late alarm
to come and see me
766
00:48:33,431 --> 00:48:35,851
Come and see me that I'm fucking late
767
00:48:37,124 --> 00:48:40,344
You are not the one that I booked for
the interval? Are ya?
768
00:48:49,397 --> 00:48:52,217
Its very difficult to get the dirty
talk right. Have you noticed this?
769
00:48:52,218 --> 00:48:55,438
Its very difficult to get dirty talk right
like in long term relationship its fine
770
00:48:55,439 --> 00:48:57,559
Because you know where your
boundaries are and you know your partner
771
00:48:57,560 --> 00:49:00,380
but on a one night stand
fraught with danger
772
00:49:00,381 --> 00:49:02,601
I've got a story concerning a friend of mine
He is quite good at pulling
773
00:49:02,604 --> 00:49:06,024
We were all at a party together and he
pulled a girl that none of us knew
774
00:49:06,025 --> 00:49:09,945
Ended up back at her place having sex
well done him High Five
775
00:49:10,776 --> 00:49:14,296
He told us the story the next day
he said she started it
776
00:49:14,297 --> 00:49:17,317
They were having sex
She said: "Talk dirty to me"
777
00:49:17,318 --> 00:49:20,438
Or more accurately:
"Talk dirty to me"
778
00:49:22,374 --> 00:49:26,094
So from the Rolodex of filth in his head
he came forth with this
779
00:49:26,095 --> 00:49:30,092
And this would be fine for many of the
ladies here. Within the confines of bedroom
780
00:49:30,093 --> 00:49:32,613
Within the boudoir this would be an
ok thing to say
781
00:49:32,614 --> 00:49:35,034
With the long term loving trusting partner
782
00:49:35,035 --> 00:49:37,455
One a one night stand, Maybe not
783
00:49:37,456 --> 00:49:38,612
He said:
784
00:49:38,613 --> 00:49:41,276
"You love it you slut."
785
00:49:42,802 --> 00:49:45,322
She said: " I'm not a slut"
786
00:49:45,335 --> 00:49:47,755
And that was a very awkward moment
787
00:49:47,848 --> 00:49:49,868
Awkward as moments can be
788
00:49:49,869 --> 00:49:53,489
When you just insulted some one you are
balls deep in
789
00:49:53,490 --> 00:49:57,510
He apologised profusely needless to say
and they moved on
790
00:50:00,829 --> 00:50:03,349
I imagine there's a story there Madam
791
00:50:03,704 --> 00:50:06,031
Well you know how you got a phrase
you are not meant to say,
792
00:50:06,035 --> 00:50:09,645
Its all You could think to say.
It's on the tip of your tongue
793
00:50:09,646 --> 00:50:14,466
So like two minutes later my friend he
somehow lost track of he wasn't meant to say
794
00:50:14,754 --> 00:50:16,174
Says it again
795
00:50:16,608 --> 00:50:18,428
"You love it you slut."
796
00:50:18,429 --> 00:50:20,249
She said:" I'm not a slut"
797
00:50:20,250 --> 00:50:23,040
And he got into an argument with her
he didn't mean to. It was like a reflex
798
00:50:23,041 --> 00:50:26,170
When she said: "I'm not a slut" for the
second time. He went:
799
00:50:26,171 --> 00:50:28,671
"We have just met"
800
00:50:29,319 --> 00:50:31,539
She said: You don't know me
801
00:50:31,550 --> 00:50:34,670
He said: "But that just proves my point."
802
00:50:37,080 --> 00:50:39,800
Are there any couples in this evening?
Give us a shout, the couples.
803
00:50:39,801 --> 00:50:40,521
- YEAH
804
00:50:40,522 --> 00:50:43,742
uh, Lots of couples in tonight
This is a bit silly I think, uh
805
00:50:43,743 --> 00:50:47,363
But for valentine I got my girlfriend
sex vouchers as her present
806
00:50:47,984 --> 00:50:50,104
I didn't realise they were transferable.
807
00:50:51,435 --> 00:50:53,955
Turns out they accept them at Whole Work
808
00:50:58,077 --> 00:51:00,722
You get to the stage in long term
relationship
809
00:51:00,723 --> 00:51:02,997
Where you wanna experiment sexually
810
00:51:02,998 --> 00:51:05,018
But you know it could be awkward
and..
811
00:51:05,019 --> 00:51:07,039
And what if she finds out
812
00:51:08,447 --> 00:51:12,767
I'm ten years being into a relationship now
Any one beat that longer than ten years?
813
00:51:12,768 --> 00:51:13,288
- Yes
814
00:51:13,289 --> 00:51:14,909
What's the longest we got in the room
815
00:51:15,733 --> 00:51:17,353
13?
816
00:51:17,691 --> 00:51:20,311
26. Any one more than 26?
817
00:51:20,629 --> 00:51:21,749
28.
818
00:51:22,431 --> 00:51:24,151
More than 28?
819
00:51:24,152 --> 00:51:25,672
For how long?
820
00:51:25,982 --> 00:51:31,202
Sorry?. You been married together for
43 years?
821
00:51:32,216 --> 00:51:34,536
I think come on; 43 years
822
00:51:35,825 --> 00:51:36,945
Now
823
00:51:37,412 --> 00:51:40,032
I obviously, I don't know what's its like
after 43 years
824
00:51:40,033 --> 00:51:41,406
I think that's an extraordinary commitment.
825
00:51:41,410 --> 00:51:43,253
Specially in this day and age.
That's quite something
826
00:51:43,254 --> 00:51:46,874
I don't know if its same for you but I have
been with my girlfriend for 10 years
827
00:51:46,875 --> 00:51:50,095
Things have got quite predictable in the
bedroom
828
00:51:50,556 --> 00:51:54,576
Now when I lower my entire bowl bag
into her mouth
829
00:51:55,946 --> 00:51:59,366
She is pretty much guaranteed to wake up
830
00:52:01,726 --> 00:52:02,946
Same?
831
00:52:07,419 --> 00:52:10,639
You could see that he just went:
"Yes I,,"
832
00:52:13,134 --> 00:52:15,900
You look worried on their behalf they have
been married 43 years. Don't panic
833
00:52:16,100 --> 00:52:17,100
They have tried everything
834
00:52:18,088 --> 00:52:20,708
What's your relationship with them?
How do you know them?
835
00:52:21,386 --> 00:52:23,406
That's your mum and dad?
836
00:52:24,780 --> 00:52:26,300
That's nice
837
00:52:28,500 --> 00:52:33,120
Well I hope that image of your
dad tea-bagging your mum hasn't...
838
00:52:33,121 --> 00:52:36,141
I hope, I for one...
839
00:52:41,098 --> 00:52:44,064
I don't know about looking your parents
in eyes again. I don't think you'll
840
00:52:44,065 --> 00:52:47,418
Be able to drink tea
841
00:52:49,803 --> 00:52:50,923
Hi!
842
00:52:51,647 --> 00:52:53,267
Shit, Sorry
843
00:52:53,268 --> 00:52:56,288
This would be hard for you to believe
I used to be a gentleman
844
00:52:56,289 --> 00:52:59,509
I didn't use to talk about my sexual
exploits even with my close friends
845
00:52:59,510 --> 00:53:00,830
Never Kiss and tell
846
00:53:00,831 --> 00:53:05,251
ALways keep it you know, keep it private
Private life for a reason is private
847
00:53:05,252 --> 00:53:07,272
Now, I will talk about anything
848
00:53:07,778 --> 00:53:10,098
It's great for me because its catharsis
849
00:53:10,099 --> 00:53:11,128
But also, I think its good for everyone
850
00:53:11,130 --> 00:53:13,219
Cos you talk about things
everyone feels a bit more open and
851
00:53:13,220 --> 00:53:15,340
Bit more normal Cos you know there are
weird things.
852
00:53:15,341 --> 00:53:18,361
Here is an example of an intimate detail
i don't mind sharing with you
853
00:53:18,362 --> 00:53:22,282
My girlfriend can't have orgasms
during intercourse
854
00:53:22,283 --> 00:53:23,772
But its not a problem
855
00:53:23,773 --> 00:53:24,317
Because, I ...
856
00:53:24,517 --> 00:53:25,603
Can
857
00:53:29,794 --> 00:53:34,814
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm and she
spat it back in my face
858
00:53:44,072 --> 00:53:46,992
When my first girlfriend choke to death
859
00:53:47,000 --> 00:53:48,920
It was a terrible blow
860
00:53:50,728 --> 00:53:53,148
I had to finish myself off
861
00:53:54,436 --> 00:53:57,356
There are inequalities between the sexes
and I think its universally acknowledged
862
00:53:57,357 --> 00:53:59,477
Men get an easier deal in our
society than women
863
00:53:59,478 --> 00:54:02,298
I can think of an example Where men get
a very rude deal
864
00:54:02,299 --> 00:54:04,719
You know early on in a relationship
before you live together
865
00:54:04,720 --> 00:54:06,174
When you Just kind of staying over
in each other houses.
866
00:54:06,180 --> 00:54:08,099
Very exciting phase in a relationship
867
00:54:08,100 --> 00:54:11,200
In the history of the world No man has
ever been staying over a girl's house
868
00:54:11,201 --> 00:54:16,065
And found a vibrator in her bedside drawer
and there's been a problem.
869
00:54:16,066 --> 00:54:19,386
There is only one reaction on record and
That is as follows:
870
00:54:19,387 --> 00:54:21,607
"Owh! Hello!"
871
00:54:22,220 --> 00:54:24,040
Cheeky
872
00:54:24,041 --> 00:54:25,861
What she like
873
00:54:26,228 --> 00:54:30,248
But when she finds latex vagina in your
socks drawer
874
00:54:30,249 --> 00:54:34,769
There is hell to pay. Explanations must
be made
875
00:54:36,474 --> 00:54:39,694
I say sock drawer, Actually its the Office
876
00:54:39,695 --> 00:54:43,515
I say latex vagina it was the
receptionist
877
00:54:48,100 --> 00:54:51,220
All right let's hear from men of Birmingham.
Give us shout The Men?
878
00:54:51,221 --> 00:54:52,241
- YEAH
879
00:54:52,242 --> 00:54:55,262
Specifically give me shout, the heterosexual
men of Birmingham
880
00:54:55,263 --> 00:54:56,283
-YEAH.
881
00:54:56,284 --> 00:54:58,904
Same voices just a little bit lower
882
00:55:00,145 --> 00:55:02,819
Have you all.. Had you had the
conversation the pub conversation,
883
00:55:02,820 --> 00:55:04,165
The classic pub conversation
884
00:55:04,166 --> 00:55:08,086
If you had to sleep with a man who would
it be? You had that conversation?
885
00:55:08,087 --> 00:55:11,007
You had that conversation?
You haven't have that conversation?
886
00:55:11,008 --> 00:55:14,028
I'll save you the embarrassment sir,
I tell you what happens in that conversation
887
00:55:14,029 --> 00:55:18,349
So you are in the pub with a mate having a
drink talking about love and life, Whatever
888
00:55:18,350 --> 00:55:22,170
Out of nowhere, you mate goes: "If you
had to sleep with a man who would it be?"
889
00:55:22,171 --> 00:55:24,591
"Well, I wouldn't so it won't be any one"
890
00:55:24,592 --> 00:55:27,812
"Well if you had to who would it be?"
"Well, I wouldn't so it won't be any one"
891
00:55:27,813 --> 00:55:29,633
"If you had to though?"
"Well, I wouldn't So no one."
892
00:55:29,664 --> 00:55:31,084
"But if you had to?"
"Well, I wouldn't."
893
00:55:31,085 --> 00:55:33,085
"If you had to sleep with a man who
would it be?" "Well, I wouldn't."
894
00:55:33,086 --> 00:55:42,606
"If you had to though?"
"Well, I wouldn't though, So no one."
895
00:55:42,607 --> 00:55:45,827
"If you had to sleep with a man who
would it be?" "Well, I wouldn't."
896
00:55:45,828 --> 00:55:50,448
"But if you had to?"
"Well, I wouldn't."
897
00:55:50,449 --> 00:55:52,169
"But if you had to?"
"Well, ."
898
00:55:52,170 --> 00:55:53,490
"Puff!"
899
00:56:02,016 --> 00:56:04,736
I got accused of being gay the other night.
I was on stage doing a gig
900
00:56:04,737 --> 00:56:07,257
And I had a pink shirt on.
Someone accused me of being gay.
901
00:56:07,258 --> 00:56:09,278
Gay.. Gay Shirt, Pink Shirt..
Gay
902
00:56:09,279 --> 00:56:12,699
I can't think of a more masculine colour for
a shirt than a pink shirt
903
00:56:12,700 --> 00:56:16,920
Cos A pink shirt shows the world you
don't know how to put a wash on.
904
00:56:19,399 --> 00:56:21,319
What could be more masculine?
905
00:56:21,848 --> 00:56:23,268
I often get asked:
906
00:56:23,289 --> 00:56:26,789
What celebrities have you been with?
Have you slept with?
907
00:56:26,790 --> 00:56:28,659
I don't wanna give it the biggin,
It was years ago so,
908
00:56:28,660 --> 00:56:30,010
Probably it doesn't matter if I say
909
00:56:30,011 --> 00:56:31,431
Do you wanna know?
- YEAH.
910
00:56:31,432 --> 00:56:35,452
Gary Glitter
911
00:56:41,023 --> 00:56:43,503
Have any of you seen my impressions?
Have you seen my impressions before?
912
00:56:44,043 --> 00:56:47,543
I don't do many. I do a few umm
I'd do one one for you now
913
00:56:47,544 --> 00:56:53,064
Are there any lesbians in? Does any one
enjoys smashing pastis?
914
00:56:59,111 --> 00:57:00,031
No?
915
00:57:00,032 --> 00:57:02,252
Are there any lesbians?
916
00:57:02,263 --> 00:57:06,383
There must be some lesbian surely.
What? Is there pool tournament on?
917
00:57:08,402 --> 00:57:11,122
Where are the lesbians?
you up there somewhere?
918
00:57:12,212 --> 00:57:15,832
There are some lesbians up there.
Hello girls how are you? You all right?
919
00:57:15,833 --> 00:57:18,653
Very nice to have you in
The impression that I do
920
00:57:18,654 --> 00:57:20,974
Its more like piece of physical theatre
than impression per say
921
00:57:20,975 --> 00:57:24,395
but its the... Hang on cameraman is coming
to get the lesbians
922
00:57:27,688 --> 00:57:30,508
Its more a piece of physical theatre than
an impression
923
00:57:30,509 --> 00:57:34,429
But actually its breakup of same sex
relationship between two women
924
00:57:34,430 --> 00:57:37,032
And I think it captures the
emotional turmoil and the anguish
925
00:57:37,033 --> 00:57:38,050
when love breaks down
926
00:57:38,051 --> 00:57:41,571
When you still love that person but you
no longer in love with that person
927
00:57:41,572 --> 00:57:44,592
You gotta go you separate ways.
Would you like to perform me for you now?
928
00:57:45,061 --> 00:57:46,581
OK
929
00:57:49,044 --> 00:57:51,364
Just gimme.. Gimme a second
930
00:58:03,247 --> 00:58:05,167
What did you think was gonna happen?
931
00:58:06,630 --> 00:58:09,150
I feel duty bound now.
What's your name madam?
932
00:58:10,195 --> 00:58:11,215
What?
933
00:58:12,922 --> 00:58:16,042
Cheralle? OK Fine, Cheralle.
934
00:58:17,367 --> 00:58:20,187
Who are you with?
Who is the other half?
935
00:58:21,563 --> 00:58:23,783
Rosie. Hi.
936
00:58:23,809 --> 00:58:28,023
I feel duty bound to ask you the question I
have asked every lesbian I ever met
937
00:58:28,024 --> 00:58:30,844
What would it take to get
you back on solids?
938
00:58:35,944 --> 00:58:38,754
Oh, I got a maybe, Yes
939
00:58:38,755 --> 00:58:41,575
I'm two Bacardi Breezers away.
Come on.
940
00:58:42,322 --> 00:58:45,242
I often get asked about hackles, That's a
very common question for me
941
00:58:45,243 --> 00:58:47,153
People wanna know what's your
favourite hackle what's the worst hackle,
942
00:58:47,154 --> 00:58:48,463
That kind of thing
943
00:58:48,464 --> 00:58:52,184
I was doing a gig last year.
On Rapier Wit tour. The last tour
944
00:58:52,185 --> 00:58:54,405
I was doing a joke about Paralympics, Now
945
00:58:54,406 --> 00:58:57,036
When you are doing a joke about Paralympics
You gotta be a little bit careful
946
00:58:57,236 --> 00:58:59,000
when you are
setting up a piece of material like that
947
00:58:59,027 --> 00:59:03,147
That you are not fuck witted, disrespectful
So I was setting up quite carefully, I got
948
00:59:03,148 --> 00:59:06,968
One sentence in. All I said was:
"My favourite event of the Paralympics"
949
00:59:06,969 --> 00:59:09,289
This guy at the back of the room
quick as a fucking flash went:
950
00:59:09,290 --> 00:59:11,110
"Cripple Jump"
951
00:59:15,115 --> 00:59:17,935
I wish I hadn't but i fucking
pissed myself
952
00:59:19,123 --> 00:59:20,843
The other one I loved
953
00:59:20,844 --> 00:59:25,564
I was doing a gig Last year in Cardiff and
front row centre where you sitting madam
954
00:59:25,565 --> 00:59:29,085
out of nowhere 20 mins into gig
he just went
955
00:59:29,086 --> 00:59:30,206
"Dragon"
956
00:59:32,518 --> 00:59:34,952
So there was not massive pause
before he said "Dragon"
957
00:59:34,953 --> 00:59:37,438
It was just to let you know what happened
there. In my head I had to go:
958
00:59:37,439 --> 00:59:38,759
"Whose coat is that jacket"
959
00:59:39,352 --> 00:59:40,972
To get you started in the head
960
00:59:41,371 --> 00:59:43,991
20 minutes in and he just went
"Dragon"
961
00:59:43,992 --> 00:59:46,512
I went: "What?"
He went: "Dragon".
962
00:59:46,513 --> 00:59:51,232
I know but what you want. He went:
"I would like a joke about dragon please"
963
00:59:54,226 --> 00:59:56,367
And he said it like I was the cunt
for turning up in Wales
964
00:59:56,370 --> 00:59:58,846
Without any dragon based humour
965
01:00:00,323 --> 01:00:03,410
So in the interval I felt duty bound
to go and write a joke about a dragon.
966
01:00:03,415 --> 01:00:05,443
Do you wanna hear my dragon joke?
967
01:00:05,444 --> 01:00:06,664
- YES
968
01:00:06,665 --> 01:00:07,285
Ok.
969
01:00:08,120 --> 01:00:09,940
Two dragons walk into a pub
970
01:00:10,794 --> 01:00:13,014
Don't panic Johnnie, Makes sense
971
01:00:14,025 --> 01:00:15,245
"Brilliant."
972
01:00:19,989 --> 01:00:21,109
Oh I love John
973
01:00:22,479 --> 01:00:27,999
I'm just imagining a funeral.. You know What
do they call it when funeral.. and the cars
974
01:00:28,396 --> 01:00:31,516
Precession yeah. Funeral precession
with drum and bass
975
01:00:38,559 --> 01:00:41,379
Has your Hearse got
blue lights underneath it?
976
01:00:42,027 --> 01:00:45,347
I think that would look quite good
like it was haunted.
977
01:00:49,665 --> 01:00:52,250
Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to
the other: "It's hot in here"
978
01:00:52,251 --> 01:00:54,786
The other one says:
"Shut your mouth"
979
01:00:57,793 --> 01:01:00,013
Now I thought what we might do this evening
Birmingham, Obviously
980
01:01:00,014 --> 01:01:01,619
You have all come out to
see the show this evening.
981
01:01:01,620 --> 01:01:03,134
I'm very grateful for that. I love my job
982
01:01:03,135 --> 01:01:06,235
I love the fact that you came out to see
me live But we are also friends here
983
01:01:06,236 --> 01:01:08,556
And you have bought tickets to come and see
me at the show
984
01:01:08,557 --> 01:01:11,094
So I tend not to get hackled in
the way like I used to get hackled
985
01:01:11,099 --> 01:01:12,377
When I used to play the clubs
986
01:01:12,378 --> 01:01:14,140
When you used to play the clubs
you are unannounced,
987
01:01:14,145 --> 01:01:16,598
You know the venue was bigger than the name
988
01:01:16,599 --> 01:01:18,128
So people would come along
they wouldn't be invested
989
01:01:18,130 --> 01:01:19,382
If they didn't like it they would
shout rude things out
990
01:01:19,600 --> 01:01:23,207
I used to love that,
Proper aggressive hackling
991
01:01:23,208 --> 01:01:26,150
I thought why don't we .. Cos people
tend not to do it at these kind of gigs
992
01:01:26,350 --> 01:01:28,600
Cos People don't wanna fuck up the
evening for themselves or for anyone else
993
01:01:30,561 --> 01:01:33,081
Hold your horses just one second
994
01:01:33,148 --> 01:01:35,368
People tend..
One notable exception
995
01:01:35,369 --> 01:01:38,089
People tend not to wanna fuck the
gig up
996
01:01:38,090 --> 01:01:40,410
But I thought it's quite nice, It's quite a
fun thing, hackle
997
01:01:40,411 --> 01:01:42,167
So why don't we have a hackle amnesty?
998
01:01:42,170 --> 01:01:44,331
Little Two three minutes, Where you
can just fill your boots
999
01:01:44,332 --> 01:01:47,852
If you got something abusive to shout
Have at it
1000
01:01:47,853 --> 01:01:49,173
- Cunt, Fuck Bum
1001
01:01:51,898 --> 01:01:55,018
Have you actually got Tourettes?
That was fas.. so quick
1002
01:01:55,504 --> 01:01:57,024
Cunt, Fuck Bum
1003
01:01:58,274 --> 01:02:01,594
Fuck Bum, That's a weird thing to shout
Fuck Bum
1004
01:02:02,086 --> 01:02:05,906
Like the rudest words you know
Fuck Cunt Bum
1005
01:02:06,465 --> 01:02:07,585
Any other hackles?
1006
01:02:10,222 --> 01:02:11,642
What? Sorry?
1007
01:02:13,025 --> 01:02:16,545
Peter Kaye was sold out so you had
to come here
1008
01:02:22,654 --> 01:02:25,574
Ah! Unlucky!
1009
01:02:25,575 --> 01:02:28,095
I bet he wouldn't have called you a
Cunt
1010
01:02:30,000 --> 01:02:32,420
Unfortunately I'm not Peter Kay.
1011
01:02:32,932 --> 01:02:34,452
Cunt
1012
01:02:37,624 --> 01:02:39,844
It's very different kind of show
Peter's show is good too
1013
01:02:40,140 --> 01:02:41,560
Any other hackles?
1014
01:02:42,606 --> 01:02:45,626
My crisps tasted rubbish?
1015
01:02:52,062 --> 01:02:55,782
Oh no, you didn't
Oh no, you didn't
1016
01:02:56,877 --> 01:03:00,977
I became Latino there for a second
"No you didn't"
1017
01:03:01,834 --> 01:03:04,154
Did you see..
I had crisps
1018
01:03:04,155 --> 01:03:05,875
Jimmy Con Carne crisps
1019
01:03:05,876 --> 01:03:07,995
The good people of Walkers for
comic relief
1020
01:03:07,996 --> 01:03:09,316
They Brought out flavour of my crisps
1021
01:03:09,317 --> 01:03:12,337
It was me and Al Murray, Frank
Skinner and Stephen Fry.
1022
01:03:12,338 --> 01:03:13,857
And then they made these crisps and every
packet they
1023
01:03:13,858 --> 01:03:17,178
Sold, They gave five pence to the starving
people in Africa
1024
01:03:17,179 --> 01:03:20,999
I said to them: "Why don't you just
send them the fucking crisps?"
1025
01:03:25,894 --> 01:03:29,914
It got to be make more sense. Isn't? Cos
they can't be as fussy about the flavours
1026
01:03:31,122 --> 01:03:35,242
If you're starving you're fine aren't you?
No these are bit.. Nah fair enough
1027
01:03:36,139 --> 01:03:37,459
Any other hackles?
1028
01:03:39,094 --> 01:03:41,514
When's the comedy on?
1029
01:03:44,084 --> 01:03:46,804
When's the comedy...
Really?
1030
01:03:49,139 --> 01:03:50,759
What's your name sir?
1031
01:03:50,959 --> 01:03:53,009
- Ah! Can't remember
1032
01:03:54,093 --> 01:03:55,413
What's your name?
1033
01:03:55,414 --> 01:03:56,034
- David.
1034
01:03:56,040 --> 01:03:58,360
David? What's your favourite colour, David?
1035
01:03:58,970 --> 01:03:59,844
- Blue
1036
01:03:59,859 --> 01:04:01,279
Blue. OK.
1037
01:04:07,289 --> 01:04:11,609
Seems like the fairest way to deal with you
David, There are so many things I could say
1038
01:04:13,183 --> 01:04:15,303
Number between 1 and 8 David?
1039
01:04:15,628 --> 01:04:16,503
- SIX
1040
01:04:16,515 --> 01:04:17,635
Six.
1041
01:04:18,038 --> 01:04:21,858
And you said to me: "When's the comedy on?"
1042
01:04:24,997 --> 01:04:27,087
It says if you want my "Cum back"
1043
01:04:27,090 --> 01:04:30,739
You'll have to scrape it off
your mum's teeth
1044
01:04:35,602 --> 01:04:36,722
These...
1045
01:04:40,786 --> 01:04:44,206
These things don't lie David.
These things don't lie
1046
01:04:45,847 --> 01:04:48,867
I'm kidding. She swallowed the lot
1047
01:04:53,152 --> 01:04:55,372
Any others? What sorry?
1048
01:04:56,577 --> 01:04:58,497
I have got a big nose?
1049
01:04:59,631 --> 01:05:02,351
What are you.. Fucking retarded?
1050
01:05:02,402 --> 01:05:05,122
I mean, I literally don't have a big nose
1051
01:05:05,154 --> 01:05:08,274
That's like a weird... It's like an insult
you heard someone else used
1052
01:05:08,275 --> 01:05:10,295
"That got a big fucking laugh."
1053
01:05:10,296 --> 01:05:13,016
That's gonna work with the comic with
the big nose
1054
01:05:13,017 --> 01:05:14,437
What's your name , Sir?
1055
01:05:14,733 --> 01:05:15,853
Thomas?
1056
01:05:15,954 --> 01:05:17,574
What do you do, Thomas?
1057
01:05:17,926 --> 01:05:19,246
You're a student?
1058
01:05:19,247 --> 01:05:20,567
What are you studying?
1059
01:05:20,568 --> 01:05:24,588
Mathematics?
1060
01:05:26,089 --> 01:05:27,809
Are you at school, Thomas?
1061
01:05:28,139 --> 01:05:29,780
I don't know we should
continue this any further
1062
01:05:29,781 --> 01:05:32,559
Cos it started to feel like grooming
1063
01:05:34,099 --> 01:05:35,219
You at school?
1064
01:05:35,220 --> 01:05:36,900
"Yeah, I am at school."
1065
01:05:37,100 --> 01:05:38,540
"You got a big nose"
1066
01:05:39,054 --> 01:05:40,574
I haven't.
1067
01:05:44,285 --> 01:05:45,805
Any other hackles?
1068
01:05:47,961 --> 01:05:50,781
oh what was that? That sounded good.
what was that?
1069
01:05:51,470 --> 01:05:54,390
What was it?
I'm a Paedophile?
1070
01:05:54,414 --> 01:05:58,134
I was just fucking chatting to him.
I have done nothing.
1071
01:06:04,269 --> 01:06:05,189
Any others?
1072
01:06:05,190 --> 01:06:06,310
- Jimmy!
Yes?
1073
01:06:06,311 --> 01:06:08,231
- I fucked your mum.
1074
01:06:16,313 --> 01:06:17,533
Dad?
1075
01:06:24,646 --> 01:06:26,066
Any other hackles?
1076
01:06:26,676 --> 01:06:28,196
What, sorry?
1077
01:06:28,987 --> 01:06:30,707
Posh Prick
1078
01:06:32,049 --> 01:06:34,369
Posh Prick seems a bit harsh.
1079
01:06:35,264 --> 01:06:36,784
What's your name , Sir?
1080
01:06:37,003 --> 01:06:38,123
Miles.
1081
01:06:41,967 --> 01:06:43,087
Miles.
1082
01:06:44,050 --> 01:06:46,570
You think I might be a bit Posh
1083
01:06:46,571 --> 01:06:49,091
All right Miles,
What's your favourite colour?
1084
01:06:49,092 --> 01:06:52,599
Blue. Seems like the fairest way to deal
with this
1085
01:06:52,610 --> 01:06:55,030
B-L-U-E
1086
01:06:55,771 --> 01:06:57,791
Number between 1 and 8 Miles.
1087
01:06:58,449 --> 01:06:59,869
Four. hmm
1088
01:07:01,365 --> 01:07:04,985
Says: "If you have come as
a cunt you have won"
1089
01:07:05,784 --> 01:07:07,304
Pretty good news
1090
01:07:14,610 --> 01:07:15,930
Any more for any more?
1091
01:07:17,459 --> 01:07:19,879
Who the fuck has the side party?
1092
01:07:20,416 --> 01:07:23,236
you gonna kick yourself when I tell ya
1093
01:07:23,237 --> 01:07:24,757
Me..
1094
01:07:32,979 --> 01:07:35,255
I think you know your doctor isn't great
1095
01:07:35,260 --> 01:07:39,520
If the STI check is a taste check
1096
01:07:40,220 --> 01:07:42,740
My girlfriend used to smoke after sex
1097
01:07:42,741 --> 01:07:45,661
So we started using lubricant
1098
01:07:49,335 --> 01:07:53,455
I was with a girl and she said:
"i want this night to be magical"
1099
01:07:53,456 --> 01:07:54,576
And it was
1100
01:07:54,577 --> 01:07:55,577
After I fucked her,
1101
01:07:55,757 --> 01:07:57,097
I disappeared
1102
01:08:01,649 --> 01:08:05,100
I got into an argument with my ex. and in
the middle of argument she went:
1103
01:08:05,110 --> 01:08:06,300
"What kind of idiot you take me for?"
1104
01:08:06,470 --> 01:08:09,470
I couldn't resist, I went:
"A fat one."
1105
01:08:10,466 --> 01:08:13,486
In my defence she was fat
1106
01:08:14,041 --> 01:08:17,561
She didn't get sun tan
She got crackling
1107
01:08:20,308 --> 01:08:24,228
She was legally required to make a
beeping noise when moving backwards
1108
01:08:26,074 --> 01:08:27,694
She wasn't that big when we got together
but she
1109
01:08:27,695 --> 01:08:31,495
Bloomed. I mean I have seen girls put on
weight before. But she took the biscuit
1110
01:08:31,896 --> 01:08:33,416
On the plus side...
1111
01:08:37,276 --> 01:08:39,496
Just a nicer way of saying it.
I quite like the euphemism
1112
01:08:39,497 --> 01:08:41,717
Of course the classic euphemism if
someone is gay, Instead of saying gay
1113
01:08:41,718 --> 01:08:45,038
You would say, He is a friend of Dorthie's
1114
01:08:46,096 --> 01:08:49,716
If some is very fat, I like to say:
"He is friend of Greg's"
1115
01:08:52,002 --> 01:08:54,422
I has a super awkward moment on stage
recently
1116
01:08:54,423 --> 01:08:57,222
So I was on stage doing gig, I said:
"Any questions?"
1117
01:08:57,223 --> 01:08:59,743
And someone went:
"Are you gonna have any children"
1118
01:08:59,744 --> 01:09:02,720
I said: " I don't wanna make you feel bad
about asking, But My girlfriend and I"
1119
01:09:02,920 --> 01:09:03,920
"Actually can't have Children"
1120
01:09:07,853 --> 01:09:10,073
... The way we do it
1121
01:09:17,669 --> 01:09:20,489
Now he is trying the other way Cos
you can't get pregnant in mouth either
1122
01:09:22,150 --> 01:09:24,970
Are there any parents in?
Give us a shout parents.
1123
01:09:25,490 --> 01:09:27,610
Has anyone got parents?
1124
01:09:27,662 --> 01:09:30,982
You had to think about that
You are an idiot.
1125
01:09:31,028 --> 01:09:33,548
Only point about parents is all
parents have got a favourite
1126
01:09:33,549 --> 01:09:35,153
If your parents told you they
didn't have a favourite.
1127
01:09:35,155 --> 01:09:37,569
All it mean is "You weren't it"
1128
01:09:39,044 --> 01:09:40,054
Unless you are an only child.
1129
01:09:40,055 --> 01:09:42,064
If you are an only child and
your parents went out to tell you
1130
01:09:42,065 --> 01:09:44,885
They didn't have any favourite
That is bad
1131
01:09:46,497 --> 01:09:50,517
With her last child Angelina Jolie had
a very difficult delivery
1132
01:09:50,518 --> 01:09:53,538
She wasn't in there to pick it up from
sorting office
1133
01:09:56,155 --> 01:09:59,675
In a long term relationship its important
to be a good listener
1134
01:09:59,676 --> 01:10:03,396
I think she's asleep.
I might pop down stairs for a wank
1135
01:10:06,405 --> 01:10:08,597
Are you familiar with the phrase
"Fuck Buddy"?
1136
01:10:08,600 --> 01:10:10,525
You heard the phrase "Fuck Buddy"? Yes?
- YES
1137
01:10:10,526 --> 01:10:12,477
I have got a friend that
didn't know what that meant,
1138
01:10:12,677 --> 01:10:14,677
I used it in a conversation and
he didn't know what it meant
1139
01:10:14,776 --> 01:10:16,110
I had to explain what a Fuck Buddy was
1140
01:10:16,115 --> 01:10:19,296
I said: " it was like a friend you
have regular sex with."
1141
01:10:19,297 --> 01:10:22,517
He said: "How is that different from
a normal relationship?"
1142
01:10:23,056 --> 01:10:25,376
I said: "That you are friend...."
1143
01:10:28,313 --> 01:10:30,533
"... and you have regular sex with him"
1144
01:10:31,045 --> 01:10:33,765
"Its like the opposite of the normal
relationship"
1145
01:10:34,688 --> 01:10:36,608
I found out that the hard way
1146
01:10:36,609 --> 01:10:39,129
There is a big difference between hanging
out with a mate's girlfriend
1147
01:10:39,130 --> 01:10:41,950
And hanging out off a mate's girlfriend
1148
01:10:44,200 --> 01:10:47,606
Its a lovely term of phrase
I can get a job on Sky Sports
1149
01:10:50,397 --> 01:10:51,976
I have got into an argument with
my girlfriend
1150
01:10:51,978 --> 01:10:54,938
She said: "You treat this house
like a hotel"
1151
01:10:54,939 --> 01:10:59,959
I said: " I have never snorted cocaine off
the hooker tits in this house"
1152
01:11:06,751 --> 01:11:09,671
I told my girlfriend that top she was
wearing was too revealing
1153
01:11:09,672 --> 01:11:12,992
She said: "Jimmy sometimes cries after sex."
1154
01:11:16,754 --> 01:11:18,168
We got into a row...
1155
01:11:18,169 --> 01:11:19,874
You would be familiar with
this if you are in a long term relationship
1156
01:11:19,875 --> 01:11:22,795
This is kind of scenario for a row
That I think happens a lot
1157
01:11:22,796 --> 01:11:25,000
We got into a fight on the way back
from a party
1158
01:11:25,001 --> 01:11:28,817
So we went to this amazing party. It's about
2:30 in the morning. We are driving home
1159
01:11:28,818 --> 01:11:31,338
So I'm driving. I haven't had
anything to drink, Stone cold sober driving.
1160
01:11:31,836 --> 01:11:33,656
She's had quite a lot to drink.
1161
01:11:33,657 --> 01:11:36,576
I mean in terms of units of alcohol She
had an awful lot to drink
1162
01:11:36,577 --> 01:11:39,065
But she is not drunk and I know
she is not drunk
1163
01:11:39,265 --> 01:11:41,600
I know she is not drunk
Because she told me she wasn't drunk
1164
01:11:41,998 --> 01:11:44,218
Four hundred fucking times
1165
01:11:45,750 --> 01:11:49,070
You know like sober people don't
1166
01:11:49,894 --> 01:11:52,614
Worst thing about this argument I didn't
even say anything someone else
1167
01:11:52,615 --> 01:11:54,469
Said something and she was
talking about that
1168
01:11:54,669 --> 01:11:56,530
And I just agreed with the the fact that
other person said
1169
01:11:56,536 --> 01:11:59,256
And it was a fact. It wasn't a point for
debate, it was a fact
1170
01:11:59,257 --> 01:12:02,976
So driving along right, She is talking a lot
I'm listening a little
1171
01:12:03,626 --> 01:12:05,546
OK My Bad
1172
01:12:05,547 --> 01:12:08,767
But she is telling me abou
the evening in real time
1173
01:12:10,478 --> 01:12:14,598
And I was there for most of it so I don't
need to be hearing this
1174
01:12:14,599 --> 01:12:16,919
A lot of stories involve me
1175
01:12:17,369 --> 01:12:20,389
So driving along She tells me the story..
She got to a point
1176
01:12:20,390 --> 01:12:22,510
This mutual friend of ours This girl that
we both know. She said:
1177
01:12:22,511 --> 01:12:25,611
"That girl, That girl said that my
dress was short"
1178
01:12:25,612 --> 01:12:27,332
I went: "Yeah it is."
1179
01:12:29,833 --> 01:12:31,953
"You taking her side?"
1180
01:12:31,954 --> 01:12:34,773
"Why don't you go with her to party?"
"Why don't you drive her home?"
1181
01:12:34,774 --> 01:12:38,494
It was.. Sure.. It was really short I mean
it was what I would call a Grey hound
1182
01:12:38,495 --> 01:12:40,115
You call it a grey hound?
1183
01:12:40,116 --> 01:12:42,916
Or just an inch away from there?
1184
01:12:50,350 --> 01:12:53,870
It was a really short skirt So like I went:
It is short Yeah. She went:
1185
01:12:53,871 --> 01:12:55,991
"Uh, You taking her side?"
1186
01:12:55,992 --> 01:12:59,012
"Why don't you go back to party and drive
her home if you fancy her so much"
1187
01:12:59,013 --> 01:13:01,133
"Do you mind me saying I got fat legs."
1188
01:13:02,365 --> 01:13:05,285
Suddenly fucking Chubaca is in the car
1189
01:13:06,987 --> 01:13:10,007
"............."
1190
01:13:13,312 --> 01:13:15,832
What the fuck..
she is just snorting
1191
01:13:17,141 --> 01:13:20,901
Next thing I know like within 20
seconds she is pulling on the car door
1192
01:13:20,902 --> 01:13:24,622
We are doing 40Miles an hour in the middle
of nowhere 2:30 in the morning
1193
01:13:24,623 --> 01:13:26,743
She is going: "I'd walk home"
"I'd walk home"
1194
01:13:26,744 --> 01:13:28,764
Trying to open the car door
1195
01:13:28,765 --> 01:13:31,185
She is opening it.. She is not wearing the
seat belt, Cos she is pissed
1196
01:13:31,186 --> 01:13:36,086
Opening the car door, Safer.. Um,
Opening the car door
1197
01:13:36,087 --> 01:13:39,207
I had to stop the car.
This is dangerous. Right?
1198
01:13:39,208 --> 01:13:42,328
So as soon as I stop the car she fucks
off out immediately
1199
01:13:42,329 --> 01:13:44,749
Teetering on heels up the road
1200
01:13:44,750 --> 01:13:48,970
No coat, No money, No keys, No idea where
she is fucking going
1201
01:13:48,971 --> 01:13:52,091
"I'd walk home, I'd walk home.You don't
need a fucking girl, I'd walk home"
1202
01:13:52,092 --> 01:13:56,012
"I'd walk home" . " I'd walk home"
1203
01:13:56,644 --> 01:14:01,364
So I had to do the dutiful boyfriend thing
of driving along 4 fucking miles an hour
1204
01:14:01,365 --> 01:14:03,925
"Come on get back in the car"
1205
01:14:04,226 --> 01:14:06,085
"Its all my fault"
1206
01:14:06,086 --> 01:14:08,906
It's not my fault.
I haven't done fuck all here.
1207
01:14:09,607 --> 01:14:12,627
Come on get back in the car
I will buy you chips
1208
01:14:15,057 --> 01:14:17,377
Please just get back in the car
1209
01:14:17,378 --> 01:14:21,898
Anyway, Long story short
I got arrested for Curve Prowling
1210
01:14:24,640 --> 01:14:29,460
I don't know about you but I think the
best thing about a big passionate argument
1211
01:14:29,461 --> 01:14:31,581
Is tumbling into bed together afterwards
1212
01:14:31,582 --> 01:14:35,082
And lying in cold grim silence until dawn
1213
01:14:38,419 --> 01:14:41,939
Are you asleep?
" I can't asleep I'm too full of hate"
1214
01:14:45,696 --> 01:14:49,316
Any fans of make up sex in? Anyone had a
good make-up sex? Give us a shout. Yes
1215
01:14:49,317 --> 01:14:50,037
- YES
1216
01:14:50,038 --> 01:14:53,258
Make up sex is pretty awesome
but timing is critical
1217
01:14:53,259 --> 01:14:56,079
Cos if you go over excited you go
for make up sex too early
1218
01:14:56,080 --> 01:14:59,600
And argument still happening, That is a
little bit rapey
1219
01:15:03,397 --> 01:15:06,817
Let's hear from ladies of Birmingham.
Give us a shout ladies?
1220
01:15:07,485 --> 01:15:08,649
You have sounded very good spirits
1221
01:15:08,650 --> 01:15:11,405
Do you think you are easy
to live with Ladies?
1222
01:15:11,406 --> 01:15:12,226
- YES
1223
01:15:12,227 --> 01:15:14,347
The vast majority said "Yes"
1224
01:15:14,348 --> 01:15:17,368
This is gonna be educational and informative
1225
01:15:17,997 --> 01:15:19,992
I'm gonna tell you how easy
you are to live with ladies.
1226
01:15:19,995 --> 01:15:22,217
I'm gonna do it with a couple of questions.
OK?
1227
01:15:28,072 --> 01:15:30,952
Have you ever met a gay man?
1228
01:15:30,953 --> 01:15:31,873
- YES
1229
01:15:32,374 --> 01:15:36,194
Have you ever noticed how
happy homosexual men are?
1230
01:15:46,969 --> 01:15:50,089
How joyful and carefree and full of life
1231
01:15:50,157 --> 01:15:53,877
"We are going dancing!. Bacardi Breezers!
Ha yeah!"
1232
01:15:53,878 --> 01:15:57,598
Well that's what we were like before
we met you
1233
01:16:02,303 --> 01:16:03,881
Interesting little fact for you:
1234
01:16:04,081 --> 01:16:06,833
3% of all new homes are
built specifically for pensioners
1235
01:16:06,840 --> 01:16:09,244
And they are called coffins
1236
01:16:13,256 --> 01:16:16,876
My grandmother, I loved her to death
1237
01:16:17,769 --> 01:16:19,089
Smothered
1238
01:16:20,409 --> 01:16:22,729
I'm joking, I fucked her
1239
01:16:25,019 --> 01:16:28,439
Now I don't normally do political stuff
on my stage show on the tour
1240
01:16:28,440 --> 01:16:29,799
But I saw something that
caught my eye recently.
1241
01:16:29,800 --> 01:16:32,260
It was in Croydon.
Any one in here from Croydon?
1242
01:16:32,261 --> 01:16:34,881
One person down there hope
you are having a night of crime
1243
01:16:34,882 --> 01:16:37,902
Sorry nice tie, My bad
1244
01:16:39,014 --> 01:16:40,544
So it was this thing.
It happened in Croydon.
1245
01:16:40,545 --> 01:16:42,024
I saw it a local paper down in Croydon.
1246
01:16:42,224 --> 01:16:43,430
and
it was a BNP campaign
1247
01:16:43,435 --> 01:16:46,355
Are you familiar with this carnival of
cunts?
1248
01:16:46,356 --> 01:16:49,350
It was British National Party campaigner
was handing out leaflets
1249
01:16:49,351 --> 01:16:50,176
In Croydon high street
1250
01:16:50,177 --> 01:16:52,535
And you know when people
are handing out leaflets.
1251
01:16:52,735 --> 01:16:55,109
I mean how the got leaflets in Croydon
high street for the BNP.
1252
01:16:55,198 --> 01:16:57,918
is the Everest of stupid
Needless to say
1253
01:16:58,313 --> 01:17:01,107
But he is.. He is handing out these leaflets
You know sometime you don't look at leaflet
1254
01:17:01,108 --> 01:17:02,306
When you are in high street.
1255
01:17:02,307 --> 01:17:05,354
You just pick it up and kinda of take it and
couple of steps before you look at the thing
1256
01:17:05,355 --> 01:17:09,375
So i just picked the leaflet Oh, British
National Party, That's interesting. "Bam"
1257
01:17:09,376 --> 01:17:12,096
And properly connected with a punch
1258
01:17:12,596 --> 01:17:16,116
Nope I'm not advocating violence.
Never solved anything
1259
01:17:16,117 --> 01:17:20,637
But on this occasion I would let it go
because he gave BNP campaigner a black eye
1260
01:17:23,670 --> 01:17:25,690
And that is pretty genius
1261
01:17:27,777 --> 01:17:30,797
Cause for that fucker that is adding
insult to injury
1262
01:17:33,255 --> 01:17:36,175
A lot of planning is going on in London for
2012 Olympics
1263
01:17:36,176 --> 01:17:39,196
Sadly most of it is done by
AL-Qaida
1264
01:17:41,960 --> 01:17:43,257
I just don't understand it
1265
01:17:43,258 --> 01:17:45,535
Why would you become an
Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber
1266
01:17:45,735 --> 01:17:46,280
On the off chance
1267
01:17:46,381 --> 01:17:50,201
You might get 72 virgins when you die
1268
01:17:50,202 --> 01:17:54,022
Become a catholic priest
and have them now
1269
01:18:01,857 --> 01:18:04,277
Life is for living. Am I right?
1270
01:18:05,130 --> 01:18:08,050
My favourite suicide bomber of last year...
1271
01:18:11,020 --> 01:18:14,640
Oh you are better than me Cos you haven't
got a list. Whatever!
1272
01:18:14,641 --> 01:18:16,700
Um.. My favourite suicide bomber.. Oh well
I have got a couple that I really liked
1273
01:18:16,702 --> 01:18:19,612
The Detroit bomber.. Do you know this guy
that flew into Detroit last Christmas?
1274
01:18:19,613 --> 01:18:22,933
So he flew into Detroit airport and he had
an explosive device in his underpants
1275
01:18:22,934 --> 01:18:25,654
The triggering device went off. The
explosives did not detonate
1276
01:18:25,655 --> 01:18:29,349
So there was smoke blowing around but
everything didn't blow up straight away..
1277
01:18:29,549 --> 01:18:30,175
Just smoke blowing
1278
01:18:30,176 --> 01:18:33,996
So the other passengers you can imagine in
America post 9/11 how they put him out
1279
01:18:33,999 --> 01:18:36,619
They didn't run and get a safety blanket and
some water and a stewardess.
1280
01:18:36,620 --> 01:18:39,640
No. They Stamped the fucker out
1281
01:18:42,397 --> 01:18:45,617
It quite a camp Flamenco style id if this
is anything to go
1282
01:18:45,618 --> 01:18:46,838
Possibly with a....
1283
01:18:48,247 --> 01:18:51,567
But I mean they fucking ruined this guy
They didn't kill him but they ruined him
1284
01:18:51,568 --> 01:18:53,988
Now normally I would say: "Well, You know
What, Fuck him."
1285
01:18:53,989 --> 01:18:56,302
He was trying to kill innocent people
as they flew home for Christmas
1286
01:18:56,502 --> 01:18:58,909
Fuck him very much
1287
01:18:58,910 --> 01:19:00,630
But my heart goes out for this guy
1288
01:19:00,830 --> 01:19:03,000
Cos his Court case is coming up in
America in the next couple of months
1289
01:19:03,431 --> 01:19:06,351
And he is gonna have a very tough time in
Court of law defending himself
1290
01:19:06,352 --> 01:19:09,572
Cos the prosecution has got it so easy
The persecution are just gonna go
1291
01:19:09,573 --> 01:19:13,393
You telling the truth?
Yeah I'm telling the truth
1292
01:19:13,394 --> 01:19:15,814
"Were your pants on fire?"
1293
01:19:24,132 --> 01:19:27,609
My favourite suicide bomber though He was
an assassin suicide bomber
1294
01:19:27,610 --> 01:19:30,273
In the United Arab Emirates. OK?
He was sent to kill one man. He didn't.
1295
01:19:30,274 --> 01:19:32,794
He just killed himself.
1296
01:19:32,795 --> 01:19:36,015
Technically a win for them but I'm very
happy with that.
1297
01:19:36,016 --> 01:19:38,950
OK. So he was sent to kill this guy and in
order to get close to the guy he was gonna
1298
01:19:38,951 --> 01:19:40,330
Try and kill he had to conceal the bomb
1299
01:19:40,337 --> 01:19:42,288
He had the bomb concealed..
Wait for it...
1300
01:19:42,488 --> 01:19:43,488
Up his bum
1301
01:19:44,458 --> 01:19:47,478
Literally a:
"Suicide bummer"
1302
01:19:48,777 --> 01:19:51,797
I mean if are gonna start
putting bombs up their bums
1303
01:19:51,798 --> 01:19:54,518
The shit is really gonna hit the fan
1304
01:19:56,432 --> 01:19:59,752
Now I don't know how that bomb was detonated
But I like to think in this
1305
01:19:59,753 --> 01:20:03,373
Day and age, Even someone as fuck witted
as a suicide bomber even someone that
1306
01:20:03,374 --> 01:20:08,494
Morally retarded would have seen the
opportunity for comedy in that situation
1307
01:20:08,495 --> 01:20:12,915
And that bomb up his bum would have been
detonated something along the lines of
1308
01:20:13,996 --> 01:20:15,536
"Pull my finger."
1309
01:20:24,195 --> 01:20:27,515
And the passers by went:
"What did he have for lunch?"
1310
01:20:27,516 --> 01:20:30,236
Oh I have got some more pictures.
Do you wanna see some more pictures?
1311
01:20:30,237 --> 01:20:31,857
- YES.
-Let's see some more pictures.
1312
01:20:31,858 --> 01:20:35,178
I was gonna talk to you briefly about
sports Ladies and Gentlemen
1313
01:20:35,179 --> 01:20:37,299
Chinese gymnast Lu Li
1314
01:20:37,300 --> 01:20:40,168
Is the smallest person ever to have taken
part in the Olympic games
1315
01:20:40,169 --> 01:20:44,141
Lu Li which is 4feet 3 inches tall
Wow Wee...
1316
01:20:44,142 --> 01:20:46,462
Was the second smallest
1317
01:20:50,200 --> 01:20:54,420
Ice dancing. Of course Ice dancing won't be
around. Any fans of ice dancing in?
1318
01:20:54,421 --> 01:20:58,841
Ice dancing of course won't be around ever
because of global warming
1319
01:20:58,842 --> 01:21:00,362
And AIDS.
1320
01:21:04,023 --> 01:21:06,967
Snooker and Dance: Snooker and dance
have seen their viewing figures
1321
01:21:06,968 --> 01:21:10,064
Steadily decline since
the introduction in 1983
1322
01:21:10,165 --> 01:21:12,385
Of remote controls
1323
01:21:14,682 --> 01:21:18,602
Just 22% of Liverpool fans reside in
Liverpool
1324
01:21:18,603 --> 01:21:21,123
The rest are on remand in other cities
1325
01:21:23,453 --> 01:21:24,573
Wayne Rooney.
1326
01:21:26,859 --> 01:21:29,079
He is not as clever as he looks
1327
01:21:35,607 --> 01:21:37,427
Let's talk about technology
1328
01:21:37,746 --> 01:21:39,166
Stephen Hawking.
1329
01:21:39,167 --> 01:21:42,089
Stephen Hawking is sort of half man half
computer
1330
01:21:42,388 --> 01:21:45,608
I bet when he dies, Its a virus
1331
01:21:46,792 --> 01:21:50,012
He has got medical insurance and
Norton
1332
01:21:55,279 --> 01:21:58,399
In America they are called Astronauts
In Russia they are called Cosmonauts
1333
01:21:58,400 --> 01:22:01,520
And in Britain they are called balloonists
1334
01:22:02,624 --> 01:22:04,344
The greatest ride at Disney
1335
01:22:04,345 --> 01:22:07,865
Is the girl that works in the
Topy apple kiosk
1336
01:22:11,722 --> 01:22:13,042
Pornography.
1337
01:22:13,443 --> 01:22:15,263
I'll come to that later..
1338
01:22:18,195 --> 01:22:20,515
If you pardon the expression
1339
01:22:20,516 --> 01:22:25,036
And the expression of course would be of
turtle shitting
1340
01:22:27,060 --> 01:22:30,580
The thing with internet porn is that
it still has the power to surprise us
1341
01:22:30,581 --> 01:22:33,601
I saw something on internet the other day
that really shocked me
1342
01:22:33,602 --> 01:22:35,522
It was one man having sex
1343
01:22:35,523 --> 01:22:37,343
With one woman
1344
01:22:38,023 --> 01:22:41,743
There was no gang-bang ,
no DP , No Anal, No Dwarves
1345
01:22:42,291 --> 01:22:47,211
No Three way, No Water sports,
No Girl on Girl ,No Gagging, No Rimming
1346
01:22:47,221 --> 01:22:51,021
No Granny Fanny No DV No DA
1347
01:22:51,022 --> 01:22:52,882
No Shemales, No MIlfs
No one looked barely Legal
1348
01:22:52,900 --> 01:22:54,554
It was just one man
having sex with one woman
1349
01:22:54,564 --> 01:22:57,884
I thought:
"Who comes up with this crazy Shit"
1350
01:22:59,763 --> 01:23:01,950
Let's talk about sex
Adult supervision
1351
01:23:01,954 --> 01:23:06,204
To me Adult supervision sounds like the
ability to see through bras
1352
01:23:14,243 --> 01:23:18,163
The average speed of ejaculation is
43 Miles/hour
1353
01:23:18,164 --> 01:23:21,884
Which is why it is so important to keep
it away from children
1354
01:23:24,708 --> 01:23:26,728
20 is plenty
1355
01:23:27,374 --> 01:23:30,294
Around children you got to be very careful
with the language you use for example
1356
01:23:30,295 --> 01:23:34,015
Say fiddle sticks instead of vibrators
1357
01:23:36,417 --> 01:23:39,637
I don't think lesbians should
be allowed to use vibrators
1358
01:23:39,638 --> 01:23:41,358
You have made your decision
1359
01:23:52,615 --> 01:23:57,635
No more sitting on the fence
Either.
1360
01:24:01,806 --> 01:24:03,126
Hermaphrodites
1361
01:24:07,786 --> 01:24:09,506
...Can go and fuck themselves.
1362
01:24:14,574 --> 01:24:17,294
A Transvestite is man who
dresses to look like a woman
1363
01:24:17,295 --> 01:24:20,615
And woman they dress to look like is
Jane McDonald.
1364
01:24:25,002 --> 01:24:28,822
Someone told my girlfriend they best way
to improve oral sex was to hum
1365
01:24:28,823 --> 01:24:33,043
All I'm saying is theme from Corrie
is not erotic
1366
01:24:35,251 --> 01:24:37,811
Anal sex for women is like Marmite
1367
01:24:38,071 --> 01:24:40,791
It's brown and it smells funny.
1368
01:24:47,218 --> 01:24:49,038
Condoms come in packs of three
1369
01:24:49,039 --> 01:24:53,059
Ideal for married couples cause its
Birthdays, Christmas, Valentine
1370
01:24:55,118 --> 01:24:57,738
I don't think you should ever treat your
woman as a sex object but I do
1371
01:24:57,739 --> 01:25:01,059
Think you should give her rinse
after you have used her
1372
01:25:03,202 --> 01:25:07,822
You don't agree? You rather be left
looking like a plaster's radio
1373
01:25:13,671 --> 01:25:16,991
My girlfriend has got a cleanliness problem
downstairs
1374
01:25:16,992 --> 01:25:19,612
Kitchen is a fucking state
1375
01:25:21,098 --> 01:25:25,518
I'm joking. She actually got a viralin yeast
infection in her vagina
1376
01:25:26,655 --> 01:25:29,775
Let's talk about relationships. The last
relationship I had I ruined
1377
01:25:29,776 --> 01:25:31,756
By blurting out: "I love you" too early
1378
01:25:31,807 --> 01:25:35,417
Which gave away the fact I was hiding
behind the curtains
1379
01:25:36,642 --> 01:25:39,262
People often ask me about the most
embarrassing moment its probably
1380
01:25:39,263 --> 01:25:42,083
When I was first introduced to my
girlfriend's parents
1381
01:25:42,084 --> 01:25:46,604
I remember my girlfriend saying:
" There's the bad man there"
1382
01:25:51,454 --> 01:25:53,374
I don't like the term "Partner"
1383
01:25:53,375 --> 01:25:57,195
Cause it makes you sound like we are
fighting crime
1384
01:25:59,111 --> 01:26:02,331
I don't like the term housewife also,
Stay at home mum
1385
01:26:02,332 --> 01:26:03,330
I prefer to say:
1386
01:26:03,730 --> 01:26:05,252
"Lazy Sluts"
1387
01:26:08,381 --> 01:26:11,401
My girlfriend says she is good at doing two
things at same time. If that's the case..
1388
01:26:11,402 --> 01:26:14,222
Why is the threesome out of the question
1389
01:26:18,134 --> 01:26:20,634
Don't judge me I improvised
1390
01:26:21,272 --> 01:26:23,792
Not that bad it has got a face
1391
01:26:25,697 --> 01:26:28,017
I often walk around the house naked
1392
01:26:28,018 --> 01:26:30,738
Until the neighbour chase me inside
1393
01:26:34,268 --> 01:26:37,088
Some friends of mine just had a baby but
because of some issues
1394
01:26:37,089 --> 01:26:38,117
They had to use a surrogate mother
1395
01:26:38,120 --> 01:26:39,992
And because of medical Thing
they had to use a sperm donor
1396
01:26:39,993 --> 01:26:44,130
So really what I'm saying is Some people I
don't know just had a baby
1397
01:26:45,277 --> 01:26:47,407
One of the symptoms of having
conjunctivitis is
1398
01:26:47,408 --> 01:26:48,322
When you wake up in the morning
1399
01:26:48,323 --> 01:26:51,018
Your eyes are so sticky
you could hardly open them
1400
01:26:51,019 --> 01:26:53,739
My girlfriend has it a lot
1401
01:26:57,574 --> 01:27:00,574
Sometimes she gets
conjunctivitis on her tits
1402
01:27:04,206 --> 01:27:06,926
Right, Final one of these. This is my
favourite joke in the show
1403
01:27:06,927 --> 01:27:08,860
I'm gonna try not to fuck it
up but I slightly
1404
01:27:08,861 --> 01:27:11,560
Fucked it up last night because
I giggled half way through
1405
01:27:12,099 --> 01:27:16,119
I'm gonna dig deep for Birmingham.
Come on. OK.
1406
01:27:18,263 --> 01:27:19,783
I can do this
1407
01:27:22,579 --> 01:27:25,299
When I broke up with my first wife
1408
01:27:25,300 --> 01:27:28,020
I didn't want anything
from her in settlement
1409
01:27:28,021 --> 01:27:29,355
Except a pint of milk,
1410
01:27:30,095 --> 01:27:32,641
Four egg yolks, Vanilla pod
1411
01:27:32,642 --> 01:27:36,162
An ounce of caster sugar and two fluid
ounces of Single cream
1412
01:27:36,615 --> 01:27:40,435
She mixed the whole up in the bowl and
she threw it at my face
1413
01:27:40,436 --> 01:27:42,456
On the plus side,
1414
01:27:42,457 --> 01:27:46,977
I did get custardy. (custody)
1415
01:27:50,243 --> 01:27:51,563
Thanks very much
1416
01:27:57,315 --> 01:28:00,756
I think civil partnerships are gay
1417
01:28:04,613 --> 01:28:07,833
Apparently one of the biggest
fear is the unknown like...
1418
01:28:07,834 --> 01:28:09,554
I don't know
1419
01:28:11,794 --> 01:28:14,063
Apparently taking the dog for a walk
is a good way to find a woman
1420
01:28:14,070 --> 01:28:17,835
But what if you wanna find
a woman who is still alive
1421
01:28:21,162 --> 01:28:24,482
Did you read this, Did you read about this
American man that is suing his ex-wife to
1422
01:28:24,483 --> 01:28:27,403
Get back the kidney he donated
to her while they were married
1423
01:28:27,404 --> 01:28:29,924
That is taking the piss
1424
01:28:31,514 --> 01:28:35,034
My father always used to say to me:
"There is no such word as cunt"
1425
01:28:35,035 --> 01:28:38,255
I said: "No, I called you a cunt"
1426
01:28:40,262 --> 01:28:42,582
People claim to be into recycling
1427
01:28:42,583 --> 01:28:47,103
But you should see their faces when
rinse out a condom
1428
01:28:48,196 --> 01:28:51,116
I do a little bit of baking. Anyone into
baking cookies and cakes and things?
1429
01:28:51,133 --> 01:28:53,124
I do a bit of baking my speciality is
1430
01:28:53,254 --> 01:28:58,174
A brownie with nuts which I call
a Scout
1431
01:29:04,050 --> 01:29:07,070
Come on, Where is your sense of fun
1432
01:29:07,180 --> 01:29:10,220
Do you get annoyed by cold callers
You know on an evening
1433
01:29:10,230 --> 01:29:14,042
You're at home relaxing after hard day at
work watching TV, flicking through magazine
1434
01:29:14,043 --> 01:29:16,457
The phone rings its a strange
voice you don't recognize,
1435
01:29:16,460 --> 01:29:18,763
Talking about something
you're not interested in
1436
01:29:18,764 --> 01:29:23,584
Oh Mr.Jimmy I have your baby now you
send money quick. You bad man
1437
01:29:23,589 --> 01:29:25,109
Fuck off
1438
01:29:27,029 --> 01:29:30,149
Do you get this , Do you get the
public private phone call problem
1439
01:29:30,150 --> 01:29:32,462
So this is when you are at work
surrounded by colleagues
1440
01:29:32,463 --> 01:29:34,170
Or in the pub surrounded by friends
1441
01:29:34,171 --> 01:29:35,671
You get a phone call of your other half
1442
01:29:35,672 --> 01:29:37,139
And the end of phone
call they say something
1443
01:29:37,140 --> 01:29:39,172
That You'd normally say something back
1444
01:29:39,173 --> 01:29:40,893
Is like your thing
1445
01:29:40,894 --> 01:29:43,714
but you don't wanna say it cause its
people around and is bit embarrassing
1446
01:29:43,715 --> 01:29:45,835
So the end of the phone call goes
1447
01:29:45,836 --> 01:29:49,056
All right, Bye
1448
01:29:49,535 --> 01:29:51,555
You know I do
1449
01:29:51,857 --> 01:29:54,777
There's people around
1450
01:29:55,104 --> 01:29:57,024
I don't want to
1451
01:29:57,025 --> 01:29:59,345
Don't be like that
1452
01:29:59,346 --> 01:30:01,466
All right, I will say it
1453
01:30:01,467 --> 01:30:04,187
I wanna choke you with my cock
1454
01:30:07,295 --> 01:30:09,095
A charity worker came to my front door
1455
01:30:09,100 --> 01:30:10,827
And they were collecting
for a homeless shelter
1456
01:30:10,916 --> 01:30:13,436
So I gave him a card board box
1457
01:30:15,086 --> 01:30:18,006
Beggars can't be choosers.
Am I right?
1458
01:30:18,042 --> 01:30:21,262
I did one of those nude
calenders for charity
1459
01:30:21,263 --> 01:30:24,583
Child line were livid
1460
01:30:27,491 --> 01:30:29,811
I did a gig for
Alzheimer's Sufferers
1461
01:30:29,812 --> 01:30:32,832
It was brilliant, two hours, one joke.
1462
01:30:34,914 --> 01:30:37,434
I did a gig for
Alzheimer's Sufferers
1463
01:30:39,745 --> 01:30:42,365
All right, Final thought. If only Africa
1464
01:30:42,866 --> 01:30:45,486
Had more mosquito nets then
every year we could save
1465
01:30:45,487 --> 01:30:48,328
Millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly
1466
01:30:48,330 --> 01:30:50,507
Of AIDS.
1467
01:30:52,074 --> 01:30:54,494
I had been Jimmy Carr.
Thank you very much indeed
1468
01:30:54,495 --> 01:30:56,515
Thank you. Thank you
1469
01:31:14,689 --> 01:31:16,409
You are far too shy
1470
01:31:19,603 --> 01:31:21,323
Thanks very much. Cheers
1471
01:31:22,324 --> 01:31:24,044
Very nice of you Birmingham.
1472
01:31:24,045 --> 01:31:27,745
I couldn't ask for a better audience it
would hurt your feelings
1473
01:31:27,746 --> 01:31:30,066
That's pretty much my show
1474
01:31:30,067 --> 01:31:33,087
I thought a nice way to end might be There's
a theory in comedy
1475
01:31:33,088 --> 01:31:35,608
Lenny Bruce, The American was first
to say:
1476
01:31:35,609 --> 01:31:37,629
"Audience is Genius"
1477
01:31:37,630 --> 01:31:40,850
The idea is, the audience you regulate
comedy
1478
01:31:40,851 --> 01:31:43,671
You decide, what a comedian
can and can't say on stage
1479
01:31:43,672 --> 01:31:46,792
Because, If you don't laugh at a joke It is
not socially acceptable
1480
01:31:46,793 --> 01:31:50,313
If you do then just by definition
It is socially acceptable
1481
01:31:50,314 --> 01:31:53,134
I thought we could put that to test tonight
1482
01:31:53,135 --> 01:31:55,255
We could start gently work
our way up and see
1483
01:31:55,256 --> 01:31:57,676
At what stage Birmingham goes:
1484
01:31:57,677 --> 01:32:00,477
"Ah for fuck sake."
1485
01:32:02,439 --> 01:32:04,459
Do you wanna give it a go?
- YES
1486
01:32:04,860 --> 01:32:07,980
Ok. We will start gentle. We'll
work our way up
1487
01:32:07,981 --> 01:32:12,501
So every one's comfortable at some stage
people stop laughing and then that's the end
1488
01:32:13,359 --> 01:32:15,679
Hmm, exciting.
1489
01:32:17,081 --> 01:32:19,201
I'll start gentle. Pope Benedict.
1490
01:32:19,202 --> 01:32:23,022
Incidentally he is called Pope Benedict
because he comes with hollandaise sauce
1491
01:32:24,354 --> 01:32:27,774
Hang on!. That's not a hollandaise sauce.
1492
01:32:28,396 --> 01:32:29,916
Benedict!
1493
01:32:32,663 --> 01:32:36,733
As head of Catholic Church Pope Benedict is
boss of every Catholic priest in the world
1494
01:32:36,740 --> 01:32:39,710
He is effectively King of the Paedos.
1495
01:32:41,515 --> 01:32:44,405
I read about a catholic priest
that exposed himself
1496
01:32:44,500 --> 01:32:46,756
So they defrocked him
1497
01:32:48,354 --> 01:32:50,274
They don't hang themselves. do they?
1498
01:32:50,674 --> 01:32:54,094
Well they do, That's part of the problem
1499
01:32:54,106 --> 01:32:58,126
This scandal could bring the
Catholic Church to its knees
1500
01:33:00,032 --> 01:33:02,452
You would finish that
one in your own head
1501
01:33:02,453 --> 01:33:04,173
Some what ironically
1502
01:33:07,984 --> 01:33:10,474
I personally I don't think Pope
should worry about the sex scandal
1503
01:33:10,475 --> 01:33:13,225
It would all be sorted out when Jesus Christ
our Lord and Saviour
1504
01:33:13,226 --> 01:33:16,246
Comes back from the made up.
1505
01:33:18,037 --> 01:33:21,157
Well, You all seem pretty happy with little
bit of Christian bating . Yeah?
1506
01:33:21,158 --> 01:33:24,078
Should we take it up a gear?
- YEAH
1507
01:33:24,279 --> 01:33:26,999
My girlfriend could be
really loud during sex
1508
01:33:27,000 --> 01:33:30,020
I don't know why. She knows
no one is coming to help
1509
01:33:32,752 --> 01:33:35,772
Fine? Up another gear?
- YES
1510
01:33:37,302 --> 01:33:39,798
Treat them mean, keep them keen
You all heard that expression?
1511
01:33:40,302 --> 01:33:42,598
Treat them mean, keep them keen
Treat them mean,you'll keep them keen
1512
01:33:42,713 --> 01:33:45,433
If that was really true,If that had really
worked Treat them mean, keep them keen
1513
01:33:45,434 --> 01:33:49,154
Wouldn't the Jews absolutely adored
the Germans?
1514
01:33:54,947 --> 01:33:58,167
Really?
Really?
1515
01:33:58,168 --> 01:34:02,288
A round of applause on the joke about the
worst thing that's ever happened.
1516
01:34:02,589 --> 01:34:04,109
Ever!
1517
01:34:04,110 --> 01:34:06,830
Where do we go from there?
Its the joke about the worst thing
1518
01:34:06,831 --> 01:34:07,820
that's ever happened.
Hang on!
1519
01:34:07,831 --> 01:34:10,251
This might offend some of you
1520
01:34:12,353 --> 01:34:16,003
People say.... Smug sanctimony it is
In my Opinion
1521
01:34:16,005 --> 01:34:18,094
People do say from time to time
you hear them:
1522
01:34:18,095 --> 01:34:20,295
"Princess Diana should have
been wearing a seat belt.
1523
01:34:20,296 --> 01:34:23,816
"If she'd been wearing a seat belt,
She'd be here with us today."
1524
01:34:24,407 --> 01:34:26,644
To those people I say this,
I say: "You try
1525
01:34:27,244 --> 01:34:28,656
"Snorting cocaine off a cork in the
1526
01:34:28,660 --> 01:34:32,858
"Back of the Limo while wearing a
seat belt and can't be fucking dumb."
1527
01:34:40,050 --> 01:34:41,870
- Fucking hell
1528
01:34:49,840 --> 01:34:51,660
I saw that little shaky head there
1529
01:34:51,661 --> 01:34:55,481
I presume that was disapproval madam
But to me that looked like you were going:
1530
01:34:55,482 --> 01:34:58,802
"It can't be done, I'm sure million
fucking times."
1531
01:34:59,959 --> 01:35:02,679
Where do we go from there?
Cause we had one
1532
01:35:02,680 --> 01:35:05,200
Fucking hell
But Everyone else seems fine
1533
01:35:05,201 --> 01:35:07,021
You better fuck off
1534
01:35:09,829 --> 01:35:12,949
A child can drown in just
four inches of water
1535
01:35:12,950 --> 01:35:15,570
But he might as well run a bath
1536
01:35:16,549 --> 01:35:19,769
That feels like it should have been more
offensive than it was
1537
01:35:19,770 --> 01:35:21,790
A child died in that joke.
1538
01:35:21,791 --> 01:35:25,211
And I tend to do word play so you get away
with murder with word play
1539
01:35:25,212 --> 01:35:27,732
Literally in that last joke
1540
01:35:28,203 --> 01:35:30,523
Because people go: "Its just a joke,
It doesn't really matter."
1541
01:35:30,524 --> 01:35:32,825
Actually when you talk about real stuff
That's happened in your life.
1542
01:35:32,826 --> 01:35:35,565
That's a bit darker , Sort of
observational stuff which people think of
1543
01:35:35,566 --> 01:35:36,641
As being more sort of family friendly.
1544
01:35:36,642 --> 01:35:39,586
But when you talk about real
stuff that's happened to you
1545
01:35:39,587 --> 01:35:42,307
That's where people get more offended.
If it happens to be darker
1546
01:35:42,308 --> 01:35:45,328
And you know there's a weird thing where
That's where comedy is useful
1547
01:35:45,329 --> 01:35:47,849
When bad things happen and
you need a bit of cheering up
1548
01:35:47,850 --> 01:35:51,170
That's where comed
has a purpose in our lives
1549
01:35:51,171 --> 01:35:53,291
Let's talk about something
that happened to me recently
1550
01:35:53,292 --> 01:35:54,612
And I'm fine talking about it So,
1551
01:35:54,613 --> 01:35:56,370
I don't think it should be a problem
for you to hear about it.
1552
01:35:56,570 --> 01:35:58,133
But it is little bit more...
1553
01:35:58,134 --> 01:36:01,954
Because it is a real thing.Some
people get a bit edgy a bit more
1554
01:36:01,955 --> 01:36:05,375
Offended by the stuff that is real.
1555
01:36:05,376 --> 01:36:08,208
My girlfriend recently had a miscarriage
1556
01:36:08,209 --> 01:36:11,329
It was doubly bad because I..
1557
01:36:11,330 --> 01:36:13,150
Had to pay for it.
1558
01:36:19,142 --> 01:36:21,662
That feels that we are getting somewhere.
1559
01:36:22,273 --> 01:36:25,273
I realize that abortion can be
a very upsetting thing
1560
01:36:25,274 --> 01:36:26,794
For a woman.
1561
01:36:29,120 --> 01:36:31,212
But at the same time who doesn't
get a little confidence boost
1562
01:36:31,215 --> 01:36:33,340
When they lose a bit of weight.
1563
01:36:37,034 --> 01:36:38,854
Well let's cut to the chase on the show.
1564
01:36:38,856 --> 01:36:41,476
Let's talk about what you can
and can not say on stage.
1565
01:36:41,477 --> 01:36:44,097
Very good friend of mine, A guy that I
worked with for last ten years
1566
01:36:44,098 --> 01:36:47,018
We are pretty close, we have written jokes
together and we know each other.
1567
01:36:47,019 --> 01:36:49,387
He knows I said this on stage,
He is fine with it.
1568
01:36:49,390 --> 01:36:51,439
Franky Boyle. Do you all know Frankie Yes?
- Yes
1569
01:36:51,640 --> 01:36:53,960
Frankie got in lot of trouble last year.
1570
01:36:53,961 --> 01:36:57,481
For doing a joke on stage that contained
the word, "Down Syndrome"
1571
01:36:57,982 --> 01:36:58,750
And I thinks it's sad.
I think
1572
01:36:58,763 --> 01:37:02,323
It does nothing more than betray his
ignorance and insensitivity.
1573
01:37:02,424 --> 01:37:03,944
What a spastic.
1574
01:37:10,045 --> 01:37:12,965
Why they call Sunshine Variety coaches
1575
01:37:12,966 --> 01:37:15,986
When all the kids on board look the same?
1576
01:37:25,034 --> 01:37:28,954
Well, If that joke is getting round of
applause , I'm out.
1577
01:37:29,855 --> 01:37:31,875
Happy to back away from there.
1578
01:37:32,463 --> 01:37:35,350
Its a weird thing though cos I suppose
thing that we all got common in this room
1579
01:37:35,351 --> 01:37:36,550
Is that we all share a sense of humour
1580
01:37:36,784 --> 01:37:38,504
We are all laughing at same kind of things.
1581
01:37:38,505 --> 01:37:42,525
The weird thing where I laugh
the very loudest just before
1582
01:37:42,526 --> 01:37:44,646
I have a sense of humour failure.
1583
01:37:44,647 --> 01:37:47,947
I find, If its closest to the edge..
The funniest jokes for me are jokes that i
1584
01:37:47,948 --> 01:37:51,768
laugh at and as I'm laughing out I go:
"I'm a terrible human being."
1585
01:37:51,769 --> 01:37:55,289
Funny though,
But I'm terrible human being.
1586
01:37:57,046 --> 01:37:59,466
Do you wanna hear the joke that got me?
1587
01:37:59,467 --> 01:38:02,087
- YES
I heard a joke, It's an Australian joke
1588
01:38:02,088 --> 01:38:06,408
Just a pub joke from Australia That
gives you an idea how fucking brutal it is
1589
01:38:06,409 --> 01:38:09,529
The Aussies came up with it.
Are you sure you wanna hear this?
1590
01:38:09,530 --> 01:38:14,050
- YES. I'll just.. I'll Cleanse my
palette before I tell you this
1591
01:38:14,451 --> 01:38:19,071
Like a.. Like a sorbet
1592
01:38:27,158 --> 01:38:29,478
How do you make a gay fuck a woman?
1593
01:38:29,479 --> 01:38:31,199
Shit in her cunt.
1594
01:38:34,428 --> 01:38:37,548
I know. I know. I know.
1595
01:38:37,549 --> 01:38:41,069
Don't think I don't know cos I know
I know, I know, I know
1596
01:38:41,670 --> 01:38:42,945
There is no use giving
me a look as if
1597
01:38:42,950 --> 01:38:45,590
I didn't pay 25Pounds
to listen to this filth
1598
01:38:45,991 --> 01:38:49,011
Cos you did and you know you did
1599
01:38:49,305 --> 01:38:52,825
I realised my jokes can often
be brutal and cruel
1600
01:38:52,826 --> 01:38:55,746
And when you think about the content, What
I'm talking about in these jokes
1601
01:38:55,747 --> 01:38:58,067
It is unacceptable. Frankly.
1602
01:38:58,368 --> 01:39:02,088
But then, Only purpose of these jokes is
to make you laugh
1603
01:39:02,089 --> 01:39:05,809
There is no message here. No one's learnt
anything this evening. Have they?
1604
01:39:06,541 --> 01:39:08,261
I fuckin hope not.
1605
01:39:09,670 --> 01:39:12,690
Cos I mean, The only purpose for these jokes
is make you laugh for two hours
1606
01:39:12,691 --> 01:39:15,111
It's releasing endorphins,
That's all I'm doing up here.
1607
01:39:15,112 --> 01:39:17,132
They are just jokes.
I'm just messing around
1608
01:39:17,133 --> 01:39:20,653
And some people, Some people
just like being offended
1609
01:39:22,662 --> 01:39:25,182
It's a weird thing. I did a gig in Newcastle
last year and this
1610
01:39:25,183 --> 01:39:30,003
Woman came up to me afterwards at the
signing face like fucking thunder and went:
1611
01:39:30,504 --> 01:39:34,224
"That was disgusting ,
rude , juvenile, filth"
1612
01:39:34,225 --> 01:39:39,345
"No better than last year"
Fuck off
1613
01:39:40,584 --> 01:39:43,404
Don't know what the fuck
I'm meant to do with that
1614
01:39:43,405 --> 01:39:46,525
Bloody crazy fool.
Um.. Sorry about that joke
1615
01:39:46,526 --> 01:39:48,946
You realize that joke about
the Australian Pub joke
1616
01:39:48,947 --> 01:39:52,167
You realise, That's the only joke you will
now be able to remember.
1617
01:39:52,168 --> 01:39:55,188
Whenever the most offensive joke is the
only one you'll be able to recall
1618
01:39:55,189 --> 01:39:58,409
The next time you are at a
family wedding or a funeral.
1619
01:39:59,929 --> 01:40:01,949
"Fucking hell."
1620
01:40:04,859 --> 01:40:06,179
Poor John!
1621
01:40:07,203 --> 01:40:10,523
"I just.. I know you are here to collect
the body"
1622
01:40:10,524 --> 01:40:13,744
"I have lost my husband,
I feel so terribly low"
1623
01:40:13,745 --> 01:40:16,765
"Maybe, Maybe a joke will cheer me up"
1624
01:40:18,173 --> 01:40:20,893
"How do you make a gay fuck a woman?"
1625
01:40:22,590 --> 01:40:24,210
"I'm getting your coat."
1626
01:40:26,076 --> 01:40:27,870
Well I haven't been up here
on my own this evening
1627
01:40:27,872 --> 01:40:29,996
First and foremost I interviewed him earlier
1628
01:40:29,997 --> 01:40:33,117
He is a funeral director. If you die
wouldn't you wanna be looked after by him
1629
01:40:33,118 --> 01:40:36,638
When I say looked after I mean nothing more
than what is normal
1630
01:40:36,639 --> 01:40:40,659
John every one. Give him round of applause
Thanks John. Thanks for coming down
1631
01:40:44,850 --> 01:40:46,270
Thank you so much for coming out
1632
01:40:46,271 --> 01:40:49,450
Specially this evening cos its being sort of
you know the DVD record which is always
1633
01:40:49,451 --> 01:40:50,360
A bit of nerve wrecking gig.
1634
01:40:50,592 --> 01:40:52,412
And I fucking love playing
Birmingham.
1635
01:40:52,413 --> 01:40:54,780
I love coming here and I couldn't if you
didn't buy tickets to come out to the show
1636
01:40:54,980 --> 01:40:55,980
So Thanks so much I really do
1637
01:40:56,034 --> 01:41:00,554
Appreciate it cos I love my job.
Thanks so much
1638
01:41:01,100 --> 01:41:05,120
(Elbow - One Day Like This)
1639
01:41:05,686 --> 01:41:40,686