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Ladies and gentlemen,

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please welcome to the stage,

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Mr. Russell Howard!

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Thank you very much indeed.

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It's nice to be happy.

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'Cause the world's awful at the minute,
isn't it?

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How depressing is the world?
Look at politics in this country.

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The right are too right
and the left are too left.

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And none of them speak for us.
It's ridiculous.

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"Brexit means Brexit.
I want my country back."

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And over here it's just as bad.

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"What are we gonna call female fishermen?"

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It's not your country.

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Vag-anglers. Can we not...

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discuss something that matters?

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When the fuck did Piers Morgan
become socially relevant?

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When did that happen?

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Every day that toxic prick's telling us
what he thinks.

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He always says the same thing.

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"l'm just saying
what the man in the street's thinking."

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Fuck off.

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I'll tell you
what the man in the street's thinking.

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"She's all right. What's for tea?
l'd like to be a Jedi." That's...

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That's what the man
in the street is thinking.

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Piers Morgan doesn't speak for me,
doesn't speak for you.

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No one knows what makes us happy.

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Do you know what makes me really,
really happy?

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I like looking after my nephew.
He's three.

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Lot of fun,
hanging out with a three-year-old.

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'Cause you can teach them things
and no one knows you did the teaching.

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Here is my gift from me to you.
I taught my nephew to say this.

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"Yes.

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You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

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It makes anything creepy.
That is the beauty.

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It couldn't have worked better.
My sister came home.

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She's like, "Wes. Mum's back.
Do you want a bath?"

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"Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?"

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"What have you done to my baby?"

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"l've made him better. Look at him."

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My brother taught him chat-up lines.
Oh, my God. The day we had.

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We were in the park and this girl went,
"Oh, my God. He's so cute."

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"Are you a light switch?
'Cause you're turning me on."

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"Make him stop."
"Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?"

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People are wonderful.

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They sometimes drift into your life
and cheer you up.

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I was in an elevator in New York
and two women started laughing.

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Proper, deep...

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I started laughing
just because they were laughing.

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I said, "What are we giggling at?"

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This woman looked at me and went,
"Sugar, has anyone ever told you...

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you look like Ellen?"

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And oh, my God.

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You've...

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You've never heard laughter like this.

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I looked at myself and said,
"l'm fucking Ellen. I look like Ellen."

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That wasn't even the weirdest thing.

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One of them
started squeezing her friend's breasts.

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Fifty years old. Honking each other.

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l've never got more instantly English
in my life.

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I genuinely said out loud,

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"What's going on here?"

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It was like a monocle fell down
and I toppled off a pony.

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Listen to her answer.
Still squeezing her friend's breast.

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She just went, "It's her birthday."

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What a world.

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No man has got that excuse.
Imagine that, mate.

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You're down the pub, just tickling your
mate's... "'Cause it's his birthday is why.

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Darren,
come over here and tickle Dave's spuds."

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* For he's a jolly good fellow *

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l'd quite like to be a lady, you know?

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When I was a kid, me and my brother
used to play a game called Lady Wrestling.

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We stopped when we were seven
'cause Dad said, and I quote,

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"You're going to jail."

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Do you know what we used to do?

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We used to tuck our willies between
our legs and have a fight. That was it.

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Just...

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And the loser was the first person who was
tickled enough that their willy fell out

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and they no longer resembled a woman.

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I can still see my dad's confused face.

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Just, "What's that bloody noise?"
"I'll deal with it, darling. Don't you...

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Fuckin' hell!"

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"Morning."

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"Get your dick out of your ass
and get ready for school!"

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"Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?"

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Yes!

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But I would.

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l'd like to be a lady.
It's the kindness that women show.

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When you're drunk,
you're lovely to each other.

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I was in the tube recently.
There's a load of girls, all a bit pissed.

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One of the girls
got stuck in the tube door.

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None of her friends laughed. None of them.

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"Sarah!"

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They rescued her,
started stroking her hair.

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"I was scared, girls. I was scared."

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If that was a man,
he'd still be on the fucking Underground.

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"Lads, seriously. It's moving now."

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Nyaah!

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"Say hello to Facebook, you fat fuck.

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You're gonna die!

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Tickle his balls. Tickle his balls."

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That's what happens, isn't it?

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If one of your friends passes out,
you don't look after him.

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Your weirdest mate will go up to him,

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get his balls out,
pop them on his head or in his mouth.

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Do you ring the police? No.
You take picture after picture.

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No woman has that story.
That's why you're better than us.

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You've never made that call.

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"Gotta go, Steve. The usual's happening.

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Sarah's out cold
and Linda's rubbing her fanny on her face.

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I gotta Snapchat this.
Get a good one, Miriam. Get a good one.

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Hashtag muffling."

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Exactly.

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"Muffling." l've just invented a word...

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for a thing that will never happen.

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It's vital to laugh.
Vital to laugh at yourself.

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l've got a lazy eye. I know it looks
silly. People often point that out.

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A woman came up to me recently and went,
"'Scuse me.

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When you cum, do your eyes look normal?"

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I don't know. l've never masturbated
in front of a mirror.

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Imagine that with my girlfriend.
"Look at my eyes. Am I a real boy?"

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It's good to laugh at ourselves, isn't it?
I had a brilliant one recently, right.

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I was waiting for a train in Bristol.

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And because l'm on the TV all the time,

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people were coming up to me
and they were taking pictures.

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But they weren't asking. It was weird.
l'm stood there. Five different people.

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"Hey, look. There you go."

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Five of them. l'm stood there. I didn't
know what to do. I was so embarrassed.

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Two little kids even went,
"Oh, yeah. Let's get him as well."

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l'm so ashamed of what I said. This is
the truth. I looked and went, "Hey!

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Stop taking pictures of me!

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Come and have a chat!"

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I obviously set myself to dickhead.
This is what I said.

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"I may be famous...

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but l'm still a person."

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But this is where life is wonderful,
because this bloke looked at me and went,

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"Mate, you're stood next to a Pokémon."

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I nearly...

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Fuck!

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You have...

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You have to take things on the chin.

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It's vital to laugh, isn't it?

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And you never know when laughter's
going to drift into your life.

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Like, I feel America's pain.
When Trump was elected...

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My granddad died
the same day that Trump was elected.

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It was like he was stood there, going,
"I ain't living through that shit.

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Night-night, everyone!"

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But this is the truth.
When I found out my granddad had died,

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and he meant everything to me,
I was on holiday in Mexico.

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My mum rang me up. She started crying.

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"Russell, your granddad's dead."
And I started weeping with her.

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And yet, at the exact moment
I found out that he was dead,

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there was a Mexican man
who was five meters away from me,

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who just went...

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I started laughing. I couldn't help it.

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It was like the soul of my granddad
was looking down,

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"Russell looks a little bit upset.
Beardy man, do the dance."

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And the funeral was even better.

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l've never... It was so beautiful.
My dad did a eulogy.

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Every word my dad said...
Words became memories.

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They flew from his mouth.
They soared into our heart.

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They made us cry happy tears.

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Could it get better?
Yes, it could, my friends.

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Because my nan started heckling.

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Nothing prepares you
for a moment like that.

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And she made me laugh at a funeral before.
She was a funny, funny lady, my nan.

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We buried a dog, right? It was our dog.

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We buried the family dog and my mum went,
"Who would like to say good-bye?"

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And my nan went...

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You know that feeling
when you're not allowed to laugh?

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The head says "no." The belly says "yes."

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I went to a humanist wedding last year.
I am not a bad guy.

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My friend got married.
She walks down the aisle

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to the theme tune from Jurassic Park.

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My brother had a glass of water
next to me and went...

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But that's my brother. I love him.
You never know what he's gonna do.

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We were in New York earlier this year.

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There's a sign
in the middle of Times Square that says,

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"The worst thing you can do if you
think you smell a gas leak is nothing."

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And I was like, "Well, that's not true,
is it? You could light a match."

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That's what I thought.

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My little brother
looked at that same sign and went,

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"Well, that's bollocks, isn't it, Russ?
You could fuck a dog.

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Just saying that's probably the worst
thing that you could do in that situation.

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‘Can you smell gas?'
You start buggering someone's Labradoodle.

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Fucking Americans."

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You never know what he's gonna say. We met
a girl who had nine fingers in New York.

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I said, "What happened?" She went,

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"My little finger was bitten off by a wolf
when I was four."

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Most people would edge away from that.

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Not my brother. Straightaway he went,

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"Fucking hell.
Bet you don't go to many rock gigs."

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And you know when you're like,
"Well, we're all going to die."

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She started laughing.
They had sex that night.

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But sometimes he goes too far.

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There was an incident
between my brother and my sister.

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l'm not saying what he did was right.

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l'm saying it was funny.

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Her husband was hit by a car.

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Yes.

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I think we can all agree that's very sad.

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He was riding his bike... Clink!

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And he broke both of his arms.

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My sister rang me up. She said,

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"Russ. He's in hospital. He's okay.
He's just broken his arms.

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Can you look after my baby?"

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I was like,
"Of course I can. I will do that."

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That's how I responded. Not my brother.

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This is how he was telling people.

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"You heard?
Carrie's gotta wipe two assholes."

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But you know that feeling
when you want to laugh?

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I love those moments in life.

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I had a brilliant one earlier this year.
I went to Liberia for Comic Relief.

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Comic Relief, as we all know,
is an international charity.

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People donate money to people in need.

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There was a village in Liberia
that had been decimated by Ebola.

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And, for some reason,
they bring comedians to Africa to help.

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Doctors would make more sense.
"Nope. Bring on the funny-funny man."

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There was a village that I went to visit.

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They had a new school that had been built
out of the money that Comic Relief raised.

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There were children going to school
for their first day ever.

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It was amazing. And, for some reason,

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I was selected
to take those children to school.

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I was confused.

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The kids were confused.

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The villagers were utterly baffled.

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Here's a question. Anyone here ever
walk some kids out of an African village?

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Is that a "no"? Let me tell you this.

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It's the weirdest moment.
It's, "Morning. Hello. Hello."

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You should've seen these elders. They're
like, "Where is he taking the children?

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Who the fu...
Does he work for Madonna? Who is this?

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Look. No. That is Ellen. Hello, Ellen!"

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"l'm not Ellen!"

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It was amazing.

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Fifteen million people watch Comic Relief.

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There's a cameraman
watching my every move.

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And the BBC didn't put this on.

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And I said, "Why?" And they said,
"Russ, you look so embarrassed.

238
00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:14,240
It was so funny. But we didn't want you
to look like a dick."

239
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:17,120
They should have
let the world have that moment.

240
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:18,960
Here's what happened, right?
We got on a bus.

241
00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:21,760
There was an eight-year-old girl.
There was a six-year-old boy.

242
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:23,680
They were very excited.
We were going to school.

243
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:27,400
The mum came with us. There's a cameraman
watching my every move.

244
00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:29,840
The mum started singing a song.

245
00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:32,240
How did the song go? I'll tell you.

246
00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:35,240
* Oh, thank you, Jesus *

247
00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:38,400
* For bringing Russell *

248
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:40,000
She started stroking my face.

249
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,880
* Thank you, Jesus *

250
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:45,600
* For bringing Russell *

251
00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:47,480
What the fuck would you do?

252
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:49,040
The cameraman nearly died.

253
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:51,840
This poor fucker's like,
"Jesus Christ alive.

254
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:54,920
I really want to laugh,
but l'm not allowed.

255
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:57,560
But if I don't, l'm gonna shit blood."

256
00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:00,320
The kids started singing. They were like...

257
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:05,760
* Thank you, Jesus, for bringing Russell
Thank you *

258
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:07,600
He's like, "l'm gonna die here."

259
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:11,640
And then it took a really strange turn.

260
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:15,240
'Cause the little girl looked at me
and went, "Sing!"

261
00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:20,360
What would you do?

262
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:24,520
I either look like an idiot
in front of England or I break her heart.

263
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:27,040
I started singing. I was out loud...

264
00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:29,920
* Thank you, Jesus *

265
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,640
* For bringing me *

266
00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:34,680
"Louder!" "All right."

267
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,360
* Thank *

268
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:38,200
I could see my dad at home.

269
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:40,360
"Fucking come here, quick!

270
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,800
Russell's on the telly!
He thinks he's fucking Jesus!"

271
00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:46,480
* Thank you, Jesus *

272
00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:49,760
And then my brain went,

273
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:52,760
"Mate, you need to stop
singing about Jesus.

274
00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:55,080
Why don't you sing a children's song?"

275
00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:58,720
"That's a brilliant idea, brain.
Then it won't be creepy."

276
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:02,600
But rather than explain that,
I was so flustered,

277
00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:06,280
I just started singing a children's song
louder than the kids.

278
00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:08,000
From nowhere. They were like...

279
00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:12,040
* Thank you, Jesus, for bringing Russell *

280
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:17,120
* Old MacDonald had a farm *

281
00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:21,640
* E-I-E-I-O *

282
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:26,200
I kid you not.
The little boy looked at me and went,

283
00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:28,600
"What is an E-I-E-I-O?"

284
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:37,400
"I don't know what an E-I-E-I-O is."

285
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:40,400
"Then why did you say..."
"I don't fucking know!

286
00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:42,920
l'm just trying to save Africa."

287
00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:46,800
And this is how it felt
at my granddad's funeral.

288
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,600
We're desperately trying to concentrate.

289
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:50,240
But my nan is so funny.

290
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:53,080
My dad is talking about my granddad.
My nan had a cough.

291
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:55,840
She was like...

292
00:16:57,160 --> 00:17:00,120
"I got a cough."
"I know that. Stop looking at me."

293
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:06,000
Nobody was laughing.

294
00:17:06,079 --> 00:17:07,960
Everyone was concentrating. Everyone.

295
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,319
Nobody wanted to be the person
that went, "Aaah!"

296
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:13,359
And then she did something beautiful.

297
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:15,520
My nan connected everyone.

298
00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:19,760
In the middle of something as sad as
my granddad's funeral, we found laughter.

299
00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:22,359
Because my nan roared out loud...

300
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:26,000
"Has anyone got anything I can suck?"

301
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:33,000
That was too much for the Howards.

302
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:37,400
We lost our collec...
Just a room full of people...

303
00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:43,000
I could see my little brother
fighting the urge not to go,

304
00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:45,760
"Fucking hell, Granddad.
You picked the wrong day to die."

305
00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:49,360
It was... poetry.

306
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:53,560
And you've all been there.

307
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,320
Everyone in this room
has been in a moment like that.

308
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,200
You know? When you're lost in laughter?

309
00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:00,960
There is no past. There is no future.

310
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:03,760
You're just swirling in giggles.

311
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:06,720
I think it's all we can do.
Giggle at the madness of the world.

312
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:08,080
Every day you switch on the news.

313
00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:12,640
The news in this country is just,
"Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

314
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:14,280
Raining." That is the news.

315
00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:19,920
Donald Trump said the other day
he's not gonna visit Britain

316
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:21,480
- until he gets a warm...
- He's a wanker!

317
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:23,400
Because he's a wanker. There you go.

318
00:18:24,120 --> 00:18:27,120
I couldn't even finish it.

319
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:29,920
But that's...

320
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,920
that's a real measure of the feeling,
isn't it?

321
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,680
I didn't even finish the sentence.

322
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:38,360
"You wanker!"

323
00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:43,560
That's how we feel all across Britain.

324
00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:46,320
Do you know what they've done in Scotland?
He's got a golf course in Aberdeen.

325
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:49,640
They've had to put extra security staff on
at that golf course

326
00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:53,400
'cause Scottish men keep breaking in
and shitting in the holes.

327
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,000
That's how we feel about Mr. Trump.

328
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:05,440
It's the most Scottish reaction.
"I don't like that bastard one bit.

329
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:08,040
l'm with you, America."

330
00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:16,240
Yet lots of people at the minute, "We
can't let Trump come to England. We can't.

331
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:18,000
We can't let him meet the queen."

332
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:19,320
I think we can.

333
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,800
That's how we get rid of that bully.
That's how we get rid of that bigot.

334
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:24,280
We use Liz...

335
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:27,440
as bait.

336
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,840
Think about it. "Come in, Donald. Come in.

337
00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:35,680
Probably weary from the battle and shit.
Come in.

338
00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:37,400
Pull up a pew, doll."

339
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:40,400
We don't know what the queen's like.
Let's be honest.

340
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:43,400
We're all very different at home
to how we are at work.

341
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:45,880
I bet she's the same. I bet you
she fucks around with the guards.

342
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:47,480
Just walking along one day...

343
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:53,480
"Nobody will ever believe you."

344
00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:59,320
You would, wouldn't you? Just every day.
"Morning.

345
00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:03,600
‘The queen did a dab.'
I think not, furry hat.

346
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,000
Come in, Donald. Come in.

347
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:09,480
This is Prince Philip, my husband."

348
00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:11,400
"There you go. That's that, love."

349
00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:13,960
That's all he's said in 20 years,
isn't it?

350
00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:16,240
"Okay."

351
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:18,960
They have to get the camera off him
before he pulls out a fiver and goes,

352
00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:21,760
"I fucked her." "Okay, Philip. Come on."

353
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,560
"Come in, Donald.
Probably wondering why you're here."

354
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:29,720
"I am.

355
00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:33,200
I wonder so much.
There's so much wondering.

356
00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:35,520
I wonder. You wonder. We all wonder.

357
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,360
I wonder why,
when I play golf in Scotland,

358
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,240
the ball never goes in the hole.

359
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:47,840
I don't get this."

360
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,080
"You're wondering why you're here."
"I am."

361
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:55,200
"Well, we're here to knight you.
We think you're splendid.

362
00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:57,400
Kneel down. Philip, blade.

363
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:02,840
Oh, fuck. It slipped.

364
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:06,120
Oh, l'm so old and weary.

365
00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:11,040
Why did I do it?
I'll tell you why I did it.

366
00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:14,800
Because nobody grabs my pussy
is why, Sonny Jim.

367
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:19,760
And this is called muffling.

368
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:23,320
Film me, Philip. Film me."

369
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:27,080
* Every day l'm muffling *

370
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:33,040
Imagine seeing that on the news.
"We go live to Buckingham Palace."

371
00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:35,280
* Ding, dong, the dickhead's gone *

372
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:38,560
Smushy, smushy!

373
00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:42,640
Wouldn't that be lovely?

374
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:47,680
People need to die.

375
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:51,920
Why not start with a few morons?

376
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:55,160
Why do we bend over backwards for idiots?

377
00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:58,840
Fucking let 'em go. You're not helping
anyone. You're thick as pig shit.

378
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:01,720
"Mind the gap."
If you need help with that,

379
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:04,920
if you're thinking,
"I want to be in the gap," let them go.

380
00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:10,280
Just means there'll be one fewer person
on Love Island. That's all that means.

381
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:20,400
I bought a pair of trainers the other day.

382
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:23,920
There was a sachet inside the trainers
that honestly said,

383
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:26,320
"Silica gel. Do not eat."

384
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:29,160
Who the fuck eats it?

385
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:32,640
Are there really people who go...
"Trainer pudding!

386
00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:37,480
It's naughty bubbles, isn't it?
It's naughty bubbles."

387
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:42,880
We no longer sell curved croissants
in our largest supermarket

388
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:46,840
because enough people
wrote to Tesco complaining

389
00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:51,480
that they struggled putting jam
on curved croissants.

390
00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:52,760
That is a thing.

391
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:55,760
We were defeated by bendy bread.

392
00:22:57,480 --> 00:23:01,880
"Dear Tesco, not being funny,
but I was going like that,

393
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:05,760
and suddenly there was jam on the table.

394
00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:12,560
Help. Tony, it's happening again."

395
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:17,360
It's awful.

396
00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:21,360
Some people can't eat bananas.
"Where's it going? Where's it going?"

397
00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:30,560
The world is so depressing, you know?

398
00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:33,720
Like, my little cousin...
This killed me the other day.

399
00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:34,960
He went to the zoo.

400
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:38,800
He was given a note from his school
of what to do

401
00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:41,080
in the event of an ISIS attack.

402
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:42,320
At the zoo.

403
00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:44,480
He's 11. He's excited.

404
00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:48,400
You can't even go to the fucking zoo now
without being terrified.

405
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:50,800
And do you know the advice
that his teachers gave him?

406
00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:53,720
It said on this note, "Run or hide."

407
00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:55,720
Cheers, guys.

408
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:58,920
What did they think he was going to do?
"Shit. It's ISIS."

409
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:01,840
* Kumbaya, my lord *

410
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:04,080
* Kumbaya *

411
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:06,480
Let's fight them with Christian love.

412
00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:08,320
* Kumbaya *

413
00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:12,160
It's awful, isn't it?

414
00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:15,080
I wasn't afraid of ISIS.
I grew up in the '90s.

415
00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:17,440
What were the big fears in England
in the '90s?

416
00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:20,040
Eating red berries
off the side of the road.

417
00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:25,120
Chinese burns. Wedgies.
Leaning back on your chair at school.

418
00:24:26,120 --> 00:24:29,280
Do you remember those weird rumors?
"Don't lean back on your chair, Russ.

419
00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:33,040
There was a boy that did it once
and now he's ‘spastamicated.'"

420
00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:37,600
"I don't think that's how you say it."

421
00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:39,880
"That's how he says it now."

422
00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:44,880
Girls running up to you in the playground.

423
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:47,760
"Pick a number. Pick a color.
Now pick a number."

424
00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:50,680
"What origami nonsense is this, Sarah?"

425
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,600
"Number!" "Three." "One, two, three.

426
00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:57,080
Color!" "Red." "R-E-D.

427
00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:58,480
You're a dick."

428
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:04,320
We used to go to school
with our names sewn into our clothes.

429
00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:06,360
Your underwear.
That was the most baffling.

430
00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:09,040
There was never gonna be a moment
in the middle of geography...

431
00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:11,400
"I gotta get my balls out, boys.
I'll tell you what.

432
00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:15,040
I fucking love erosion.
I gotta set my sack free."

433
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:19,040
The only time
you would remove your pants at school

434
00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:20,520
would be if you shat yourself.

435
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:21,960
And then the last thing you'd want

436
00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:24,680
is something that linked it back to you.

437
00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:29,600
"Some shitty pants here.
It says ‘Russell Joseph Howard.'

438
00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:31,480
Hit him with recorders."

439
00:25:33,360 --> 00:25:36,760
Wasn't afraid of ISIS. I was afraid
of my little brother. Little bastard.

440
00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:39,080
We used to have a thing called
the landline. Do you remember that?

441
00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:41,800
It was a phone in the kitchen
and a phone upstairs.

442
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:43,880
We always forgot about that one,
didn't we?

443
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:46,520
We thought we were having
a private conversation. We weren't.

444
00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:50,200
The rest of our family
were listening in to everything we said.

445
00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:51,720
Every time I used to speak to a girl,

446
00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:53,600
my brother would be on the top phone
making this noise.

447
00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:04,560
"What are you doing, Russell?"
"l'm not doing anything."

448
00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:07,880
"He's wanking. He's wanking.
He's wanking."

449
00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:12,000
l'd run upstairs to punch him in the face.
I wasn't allowed.

450
00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:14,920
He had epilepsy,
the selfish little bastard.

451
00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:19,880
I had to get a lamp and go like that.
"Whoa!"

452
00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:25,400
But that's what you should be doing
when you're 11.

453
00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:28,480
Trying to give your brother
an epileptic fit.

454
00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:33,400
But this note went on.

455
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:36,040
I don't know
whether this is the saddest thing

456
00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:38,640
or the funniest thing l've ever read.

457
00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:40,600
He's 11. He's going to the zoo.

458
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:42,520
This is the note he got from his school.

459
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:45,240
"If you do spot a terrorist,

460
00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:46,960
tell the teacher."

461
00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:50,080
I swear to God. It said this.

462
00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:53,400
"Do not attempt to negotiate."

463
00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:54,800
What?

464
00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:57,600
Wow. Could you imagine that?

465
00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:01,280
Just some ISIS...
"Just kneel before our ISIS flag."

466
00:27:01,360 --> 00:27:03,040
"Nathan!

467
00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:05,520
Negotiate."

468
00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:08,200
Just some kid from Bristol, like that.

469
00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:12,480
"What's all this fuss?

470
00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:17,840
What's my name? It's Nathan, mate.
It's written on my pants.

471
00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:26,120
What's your name?
'Cause you sound spastamicated.

472
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:34,840
What do you want?"

473
00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:37,880
"What do I want?
I want to burn down this zoo,

474
00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:39,520
overthrow your government,

475
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:43,560
and fly my flag
above the Houses of Parliament."

476
00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:45,240
"Oh.

477
00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:48,400
Do you want a Mars bar?"

478
00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:51,000
"He's got the Mars bar.
What do you think?"

479
00:28:03,120 --> 00:28:04,480
"Do you have a Kit Kat?"

480
00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:09,160
Wait. "Have we got any Kit Kats?"

481
00:28:09,240 --> 00:28:10,800
"No.

482
00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:12,240
I ate it.

483
00:28:13,280 --> 00:28:17,040
Shut up. I didn't realize
we were gonna be infiltrated.

484
00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:20,520
All I got left is a Twix."

485
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:24,480
"Fucking snap it in half, Wayne.

486
00:28:25,680 --> 00:28:28,520
These goat-fuckers
don't know what a Kit Kat is.

487
00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:40,120
Let's negotiate.

488
00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:41,720
Before I give you this Kit Kat,

489
00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:45,360
we're gonna settle it
the old-fashioned way, the Bristol way,

490
00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:47,360
the children's way.

491
00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:49,880
I need you to tuck your willy
between your legs."

492
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:01,600
It must be so hard being young, you know?

493
00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:04,800
Do you ever think about that?
I grew up in the '90s.

494
00:29:04,880 --> 00:29:08,720
We didn't have social media. All we
had to do was develop a personality.

495
00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:12,280
Whereas kids now,
you gotta develop a brand.

496
00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:14,080
Trouble is, that's tricky.

497
00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:16,880
You gotta convince the world
you're more interesting than you are.

498
00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:18,520
And the trouble is, you're not.

499
00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:21,640
Because you haven't become you yet.

500
00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:24,200
We wonder why kids are anxious
the world over. Imagine that.

501
00:29:24,280 --> 00:29:25,880
Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook.

502
00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:29,400
Every thought, every picture,
every moment, online, judged.

503
00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:32,200
We wonder why they're frazzled to shit.
We didn't have that.

504
00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:35,040
What did we do in the '90s? Fuck all.

505
00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:38,240
Mostly we sat on walls, thinking.
That was it.

506
00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:40,840
Sat on a wall.

507
00:29:40,920 --> 00:29:43,120
Slowly becoming myself.

508
00:29:45,440 --> 00:29:48,240
No one attacking my still-growing brain.

509
00:29:50,120 --> 00:29:51,960
Luckily, l'd been born with a lazy eye

510
00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:54,720
and the ability
to only breathe through my mouth.

511
00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:01,520
"All right, Marie.

512
00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:03,560
My mum's picking me up at 5:00."

513
00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:07,720
She'd walk up at about 7:00, my mum.
Just at home, ironing.

514
00:30:07,800 --> 00:30:11,400
"Fucking leave him there, Dave.
He does my bloody head in.

515
00:30:11,480 --> 00:30:14,000
Don't be daft. He's a funny-looking kid.

516
00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:16,160
No pedophile's gonna go near him.

517
00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:19,400
To be honest, he talks so much

518
00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:22,320
they'll never have time
to get their cock in his mouth."

519
00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:25,360
Not a joke. That is a direct quote.

520
00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:29,480
I was always safe.

521
00:30:29,560 --> 00:30:33,120
Just some bloke pulling up in a car,
"Get in." "Thank you very much.

522
00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:35,800
* In a car with a bad man *

523
00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:39,880
I would point out, if you're gonna
bang me in the woods, l've got hay fever."

524
00:30:41,480 --> 00:30:43,280
"Get out." "All right.

525
00:30:44,360 --> 00:30:46,840
Always talking myself out of a deal."

526
00:30:49,120 --> 00:30:51,640
It's very different now.
That's what l'm trying to say.

527
00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:53,800
l've been hanging around a lot of schools.

528
00:30:56,080 --> 00:31:00,360
I got that wrong. l've been filming them.
l've been interviewing them. Interviewing.

529
00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:04,360
l've been interviewing kids
for a TV show that l'm doing.

530
00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:07,040
The stuff l've learned. Fuck me!

531
00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:11,000
Do you know 40%
of the kids that we've spoken to,

532
00:31:11,080 --> 00:31:13,840
when they lose their virginity,
they film it.

533
00:31:14,520 --> 00:31:16,840
Yes. That is the correct response.

534
00:31:16,920 --> 00:31:19,840
Who is that confident
losing their virginity?

535
00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:22,720
"Sarah, just lie there.
You're gonna be here for quite a while.

536
00:31:22,800 --> 00:31:24,400
Camera one, are you focused?

537
00:31:25,000 --> 00:31:26,400
Camera two, are you ready?

538
00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:29,400
Vision. Sound. Okay, everybody.

539
00:31:29,480 --> 00:31:31,760
Let's make a motion picture.

540
00:31:33,200 --> 00:31:34,880
l've cum."

541
00:31:41,320 --> 00:31:43,120
It's an awful idea.

542
00:31:44,160 --> 00:31:46,480
If you filmed me,
it would have been horrendous.

543
00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:48,280
"Am I doing it right? Is it going well?

544
00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:50,760
Thank you so much for this opportunity.

545
00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:54,280
l'm having a lovely day. I really am.

546
00:31:54,360 --> 00:31:56,360
Fucking pollen count.

547
00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:00,840
l'm too big, aren't I? l'm too big.

548
00:32:00,920 --> 00:32:03,520
I don't want to hurt you.
That's the last thing I want to do.

549
00:32:03,600 --> 00:32:07,960
I don't want... l'm not in.
I didn't realize. I didn't realize.

550
00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:11,600
Turn off the cameras. I didn't realize."

551
00:32:14,520 --> 00:32:15,880
Filming it, man.

552
00:32:15,960 --> 00:32:19,400
It's 'cause we learn through porn
and kids are trying to emulate porn stars.

553
00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:22,080
It's fucked.
We're obsessed with porn in this country.

554
00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:25,440
I saw a teenage boy the other day
watching porn on the train.

555
00:32:25,520 --> 00:32:28,000
He wasn't touching himself.
He was just watching it.

556
00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:32,520
Who the fuck watches porn
for the stories? Just...

557
00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:34,440
"Aww!

558
00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:37,280
I knew they was gonna get together.

559
00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:42,240
It's like Ross and Rachel, isn't it?"

560
00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:45,480
And it gets weirder.

561
00:32:45,560 --> 00:32:47,160
Thirty-two percent of boys...

562
00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:49,800
I found this out.
I was reading about it in the papers.

563
00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:53,200
When they lose their virginity
they cum on the girl's face.

564
00:32:53,280 --> 00:32:57,080
They think that's what they're meant
to do. It isn't, you fucking mongrels!

565
00:32:57,560 --> 00:33:02,120
You better cherish her, not make her look
like she's got the flu on a trampoline.

566
00:33:03,920 --> 00:33:05,520
Don't copy porn.

567
00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:09,320
I didn't lose my virginity
dressed as a German plumber.

568
00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:13,280
And I can feel you looking at me.

569
00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:15,400
There's probably people at home
watching, thinking,

570
00:33:15,480 --> 00:33:18,920
"Well, you've changed the evening.
That's quite a hideous image."

571
00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:21,480
There may be some people in this room
that have come as a family.

572
00:33:21,560 --> 00:33:24,240
And it's gonna be a fairly tricky
car journey home. Just...

573
00:33:26,080 --> 00:33:30,440
Boy in the back, "l'd like to point out,
Mum, I never spaffed on any girl's face.

574
00:33:34,120 --> 00:33:37,440
I didn't even know what spaffing was
until he started going on about it."

575
00:33:38,800 --> 00:33:41,720
But why am I talking about it?
It's a good question, right?

576
00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:42,880
I found out last year

577
00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:47,640
that one in four 16-to-25-year-old girls
in the western world self-harm.

578
00:33:47,720 --> 00:33:50,240
One in four. And it really upset me.

579
00:33:50,320 --> 00:33:51,960
And I was thinking about it so much.

580
00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:54,880
And the trouble about me...
l'm such a megalomaniac.

581
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:56,560
l'm like, "Well, I can fix that.

582
00:33:56,640 --> 00:33:59,720
l'm Russell Howard.
I can bring peace to the galaxy."

583
00:34:00,400 --> 00:34:03,240
'Cause it really upset me, man.
I couldn't get it out of my head.

584
00:34:03,320 --> 00:34:06,040
And now, every time
I see a 16-year-old girl who looks upset,

585
00:34:06,120 --> 00:34:07,960
I want to creep up to her...

586
00:34:09,320 --> 00:34:12,400
crawl into her brain,
and kiss away the problems.

587
00:34:13,120 --> 00:34:15,000
But that ain't gonna help, is it?

588
00:34:15,080 --> 00:34:16,960
Mwah! Mwah!

589
00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:19,520
* Oh, thank you, Jesus *

590
00:34:23,199 --> 00:34:24,760
But it's horrendous.

591
00:34:25,679 --> 00:34:27,040
One in four.

592
00:34:27,120 --> 00:34:30,560
And why is it? Why are our young women
slashing and attacking themselves?

593
00:34:30,639 --> 00:34:34,520
I think it's 'cause of the pressure.
This insane world that we live in now.

594
00:34:34,600 --> 00:34:37,199
All these... Like, have you seen
the latest social media trends?

595
00:34:37,280 --> 00:34:38,840
Rib cage bragging.

596
00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:42,120
Where supermodels lean back
and they brag about their ribs.

597
00:34:42,199 --> 00:34:43,600
No, I can't speak for women.

598
00:34:43,679 --> 00:34:46,000
I can speak for every man
who's ever walked the earth.

599
00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:48,199
No man has ever looked at a lady and gone,

600
00:34:48,280 --> 00:34:52,040
"Fucking look at the ribs on that!"

601
00:34:53,159 --> 00:34:56,639
'Cause we look at you like you're women,
not percussion instruments.

602
00:34:57,440 --> 00:35:01,560
We're not get, like, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!"

603
00:35:05,480 --> 00:35:07,320
Know what I mean?

604
00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:09,800
Oh! Yes!

605
00:35:12,520 --> 00:35:17,400
We're not gonna flip you over and go...
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

606
00:35:19,960 --> 00:35:23,200
Some of you may do. I don't know
how you conduct your business.

607
00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:27,480
But when you're under pressure...
And I think it's very hard,

608
00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:30,480
being a young person
in the world these days.

609
00:35:30,560 --> 00:35:33,520
If you want to get an education
in England, it costs you thousands.

610
00:35:33,600 --> 00:35:36,560
If you want to get a job,
you get zero contract hours.

611
00:35:36,640 --> 00:35:39,880
You do a job like a nurse or a doctor,
something that matters,

612
00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:43,120
and orange people on TV
get paid more than you

613
00:35:43,200 --> 00:35:44,880
for fucking on an island.

614
00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:47,040
And on top of that...

615
00:35:47,120 --> 00:35:51,240
We're all... looking for love.

616
00:35:53,480 --> 00:35:55,640
We're all looking for love.
Young women are looking for love.

617
00:35:55,720 --> 00:35:59,760
In the last 20 years, men have become
assholes in the way we woo you.

618
00:35:59,840 --> 00:36:03,560
It's awful. Do you remember mixtapes?
Do you remember how cute we used to be?

619
00:36:03,640 --> 00:36:07,640
"Here are some songs.
I heard these songs and I thought of you.

620
00:36:07,720 --> 00:36:10,320
And I think you will hear these songs
and think of me.

621
00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:12,400
And we will have a special cuddle."

622
00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:14,320
Those days are gone, man.

623
00:36:14,400 --> 00:36:17,400
If you go on Tinder, it's just,
"There's a photo of my dick."

624
00:36:19,080 --> 00:36:22,920
You're like hobbits walking through
a cock-shaped woodland. Just...

625
00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:26,000
* Where's my prince *

626
00:36:30,160 --> 00:36:31,880
"Where are all these dicks..."

627
00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:38,880
It's fucking mental.

628
00:36:45,200 --> 00:36:48,600
No wonder you're cutting yourselves.
You're dodging dicks all day.

629
00:36:49,520 --> 00:36:50,720
And the things you do for us...

630
00:36:50,800 --> 00:36:53,560
And l'm talking from a heterosexual
relationship point of view.

631
00:36:53,640 --> 00:36:56,360
I don't know about the other sweethearts.

632
00:36:56,440 --> 00:36:58,200
But the things that women do for men...

633
00:36:58,280 --> 00:37:01,120
I was talking to a 21-year-old woman
about pubic hair.

634
00:37:01,200 --> 00:37:03,320
I built up to it. I didn't just...

635
00:37:03,400 --> 00:37:05,920
I didn't just walk up,
"Let's talk minges. You know my name."

636
00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:11,120
But she said something that broke me.
She went, "I shave it down there

637
00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:14,440
'cause I don't want the boys
to laugh at me 'cause it looks horrible."

638
00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:15,720
How upsetting is that?

639
00:37:15,800 --> 00:37:19,200
If you want to shave your bits,
do it for you. Don't do it for us.

640
00:37:19,280 --> 00:37:22,240
'Cause no man has ever found himself
in paradise going,

641
00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:24,160
"Well, this is lovely.

642
00:37:24,240 --> 00:37:25,720
But look at the lawn.

643
00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:31,560
There's not even a rock feature."

644
00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:36,440
I don't think you should shave it.
That's just my opinion.

645
00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:38,760
I think it looks too scared. I think...

646
00:37:38,840 --> 00:37:41,560
It does.
Looks like a little rabbit's nostril just...

647
00:37:56,160 --> 00:37:58,040
"Where's my coat?

648
00:37:58,760 --> 00:38:00,840
Where's my coat?"

649
00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:05,440
It should be hairy.

650
00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:08,880
The old women in here,
you don't muck around with that, do you?

651
00:38:08,960 --> 00:38:11,680
You keep it swinging. You keep it loose.

652
00:38:11,760 --> 00:38:15,480
You keep it hairy
like a buffalo in a blizzard. Just...

653
00:38:15,560 --> 00:38:18,960
"Bring on the winter!"

654
00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:23,520
There'll be an old lady in here
with a fanny like Jon Snow's coat.

655
00:38:34,200 --> 00:38:37,440
'Cause sex is the best thing in the world.
When you're truly lost in fuck.

656
00:38:37,520 --> 00:38:39,320
It's sensational, isn't it?

657
00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:40,520
But it doesn't look like porn,

658
00:38:40,600 --> 00:38:43,760
as anyone in this room
who's ever filmed themselves can prove.

659
00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:47,080
"Let's watch it back."
Don't ever watch it back.

660
00:38:47,760 --> 00:38:51,040
It's horrific, isn't it?
You're like two potatoes fighting.

661
00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:58,280
"Are you gonna cum? l'm gonna cum.
I think you're gonna cum. l'm gonna cum."

662
00:39:01,320 --> 00:39:03,520
I just think it's horrible.
If you're a young woman,

663
00:39:03,600 --> 00:39:05,600
you're losing your virginity,
and then some bloke...

664
00:39:05,680 --> 00:39:06,880
Boom!

665
00:39:06,960 --> 00:39:10,640
"Spaff on your face.
That's where that goes."

666
00:39:10,720 --> 00:39:11,840
It's fucking horrible.

667
00:39:11,920 --> 00:39:15,640
When you lose your virginity, it should be
awful for both of you, not just for her.

668
00:39:17,240 --> 00:39:19,760
We shouldn't throw spunk on girls' faces.

669
00:39:19,840 --> 00:39:22,960
We should throw petals at their feet.
The things they'll do for us...

670
00:39:23,040 --> 00:39:25,040
The blow job. What a thing.

671
00:39:25,960 --> 00:39:28,640
They're wonderful, blow jobs.
When you're young, you're collecting them.

672
00:39:28,720 --> 00:39:30,800
You can't believe how lucky you are.

673
00:39:30,880 --> 00:39:32,760
"Another one for me."

674
00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:36,160
When you're older, a blow job is useful.

675
00:39:36,760 --> 00:39:40,200
If you're in a long-term relationship,
that's how you know how old you are.

676
00:39:40,280 --> 00:39:42,400
You're like, "It's my birthday.

677
00:39:45,600 --> 00:39:48,560
l'm 52!"

678
00:39:53,920 --> 00:39:57,400
It's a wonderful thing. The very fact
that you let us put our dirty dicks

679
00:39:57,480 --> 00:39:59,360
in your magical mouths.

680
00:39:59,440 --> 00:40:02,840
Five points to Gryffindor,
you heaven-sent angels.

681
00:40:03,960 --> 00:40:05,840
It's wonderful.

682
00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:08,000
And it's not us at our finest.

683
00:40:08,080 --> 00:40:09,240
What we're trying to say is,

684
00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:10,520
"Thank you. Thank you.

685
00:40:10,600 --> 00:40:14,200
I can't believe you're doing this,
you angel sent from above."

686
00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:16,480
But you've seen us.

687
00:40:23,440 --> 00:40:26,960
Do you know why we're like that?
'Cause you've got our brain in your mouth.

688
00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:33,040
"What are you saying, Darren?
I don't understand."

689
00:40:40,800 --> 00:40:42,640
I say we get rid of porn.

690
00:40:42,720 --> 00:40:43,960
For a year.

691
00:40:44,720 --> 00:40:46,000
And it's gonna affect me.

692
00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:47,800
l'm a touring comedian.
l've traveled the world.

693
00:40:47,880 --> 00:40:50,160
l've watched a lot of pornography
this year.

694
00:40:51,040 --> 00:40:55,000
There's been times on this tour when
my penis has looked like an '80s joystick.

695
00:41:00,880 --> 00:41:03,000
Black and red on top.

696
00:41:05,160 --> 00:41:07,680
But it's weird, isn't it?
It's got too aggressive.

697
00:41:07,760 --> 00:41:10,520
Have you seen this? This is the latest.
When the camera's over the shoulder.

698
00:41:10,600 --> 00:41:13,920
It's meant to make you feel like you're
making love to the lady. It doesn't.

699
00:41:14,000 --> 00:41:16,960
It makes you feel like you're on the
shoulder of some bloke you don't know

700
00:41:17,040 --> 00:41:19,360
like some kind of wanking parrot.

701
00:41:21,960 --> 00:41:25,480
I say we get rid of porn for a year.
Let's see if we can recalibrate.

702
00:41:25,560 --> 00:41:28,920
l've got an idea. This is my great idea.

703
00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:29,960
We get rid of porn...

704
00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:32,720
and we get kids.

705
00:41:32,800 --> 00:41:36,560
No!

706
00:41:36,640 --> 00:41:37,720
Wait.

707
00:41:40,520 --> 00:41:43,720
To be honest, what l'm about to say is
probably going to get a similar reaction.

708
00:41:44,760 --> 00:41:48,440
We get kids to watch their parents
make love. That is my idea.

709
00:41:50,600 --> 00:41:52,280
Think about it.

710
00:41:52,360 --> 00:41:53,920
Think... It's gonna be tender.

711
00:41:54,000 --> 00:41:57,120
If l'm watching my mum and dad go at it,
it's gonna be sweet.

712
00:41:57,200 --> 00:41:59,720
"Ready, Russ? Here we go.
Just bouncing on your dad's dick.

713
00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:02,120
Having a lovely evening.

714
00:42:02,200 --> 00:42:04,600
You'll notice
he hasn't spaffed in my face.

715
00:42:04,680 --> 00:42:07,040
He's not degrading me in any way.

716
00:42:07,120 --> 00:42:10,680
You'll notice my bush
is positively Wookiee-like.

717
00:42:11,760 --> 00:42:13,760
Having a smashing evening,
aren't we, David?"

718
00:42:13,840 --> 00:42:15,760
"Yep. Having a tremendous night, love.

719
00:42:16,840 --> 00:42:18,400
To be honest with you, it's fairly weird

720
00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:22,120
what with Russell being in the corner
like the fucking Blair Witch, but...

721
00:42:23,120 --> 00:42:26,560
Luckily he's got a lazy eye
and he can't focus."

722
00:42:30,560 --> 00:42:31,640
That's my idea.

723
00:42:32,760 --> 00:42:36,200
I think it would be tender, you know?
My mum and dad love each other.

724
00:42:36,280 --> 00:42:39,760
And my dad is always complimenting my mum
and bragging her.

725
00:42:39,840 --> 00:42:42,040
I think if they made love it'd be tender.

726
00:42:42,120 --> 00:42:43,640
I don't know
if anyone's got a dad like that.

727
00:42:43,720 --> 00:42:45,920
It's lovely and weird at the same time.

728
00:42:46,000 --> 00:42:50,120
My dad's always like, "Whoa!
Bloody hell. Your mum, eh? Whoo-hoo!"

729
00:42:50,200 --> 00:42:54,440
You can't join in.
You're like, "Yeah, fucking Mum.

730
00:42:54,520 --> 00:42:57,920
He's shagging Mum. Give her one for me,
you lucky bastard. Go on."

731
00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:04,000
He gave her the most English compliment
you can give a woman the other day.

732
00:43:04,080 --> 00:43:07,200
"Do you know the best thing
about your mother's ass?

733
00:43:08,120 --> 00:43:11,680
I can slap your mum's ass,
go and make myself a cup of tea,

734
00:43:11,760 --> 00:43:14,520
and when I come back,
it's still wobbling."

735
00:43:17,760 --> 00:43:20,200
My mum was like,
"Thank you very much, David."

736
00:43:24,440 --> 00:43:27,120
I think we need to do something, man.
One in four.

737
00:43:27,200 --> 00:43:30,640
It's really odd, what happens,
like, l'm very, l'm very aware.

738
00:43:30,720 --> 00:43:34,280
I think we all are. We're very aware
of how troubled we are at the minute.

739
00:43:34,360 --> 00:43:36,920
We're all a bit frazzled.
We're all a bit mad, aren't we?

740
00:43:37,000 --> 00:43:40,440
Know what I mean? In the last couple years
we've all realized, "l'm a bit crazy."

741
00:43:41,400 --> 00:43:44,000
Know what I mean?
I have thoughts that I never used to have.

742
00:43:44,080 --> 00:43:46,760
l'm about to go to bed
and my brain's like, "You're gonna die.

743
00:43:47,640 --> 00:43:49,200
Dead in a ditch."

744
00:43:49,800 --> 00:43:52,440
Sometimes my brain will suggest
I do a thing that I would never do.

745
00:43:52,520 --> 00:43:54,520
"What if you put your mum's head
in a microwave?"

746
00:43:54,600 --> 00:43:56,000
"The fuck?"

747
00:43:56,920 --> 00:44:00,120
"What if an eagle stole your dog?"
"Fuck off."

748
00:44:01,640 --> 00:44:04,560
That's why l've started vaping cannabis.
That's my way of dealing with it.

749
00:44:05,520 --> 00:44:09,920
I know it's not the best way, you know?
And it might send me madder, but...

750
00:44:10,000 --> 00:44:13,360
It's nice, isn't it? Cannabis.
'Cause it lets you put your brain away.

751
00:44:13,440 --> 00:44:15,760
"It's all too much for me.
I just need to drift."

752
00:44:15,840 --> 00:44:18,760
I love it. It's the only drug, as well,
that makes you giggle and paranoid,

753
00:44:18,840 --> 00:44:20,200
which is a brilliant combo.

754
00:44:20,280 --> 00:44:22,240
"Who's laughing?"

755
00:44:26,680 --> 00:44:29,520
I got stoned with my brother.
It was amazing.

756
00:44:29,600 --> 00:44:32,720
We were watching Star Wars.
He was like, "This is shit.

757
00:44:32,800 --> 00:44:36,720
Why is it, when they get their lightsabers
out, you never see any moths?"

758
00:44:42,960 --> 00:44:45,400
I got stoned with my mum.
I recommend you do that. She's like,

759
00:44:46,040 --> 00:44:49,520
"Cows have got no emotional range.

760
00:44:51,960 --> 00:44:54,120
See them in a field,
they're always the same, aren't they?

761
00:44:56,160 --> 00:44:58,920
l've never once heard one go...
‘Moo.'

762
00:45:01,720 --> 00:45:05,320
They must be happy. You'd never know it.
You'd never know it.

763
00:45:05,800 --> 00:45:08,720
Be a nightmare if you worked
in a toy shop, wouldn't it, Russ?

764
00:45:08,800 --> 00:45:11,080
Imagine trying to sell a toy zebra.

765
00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:14,520
You'd never find the bar code."

766
00:45:21,280 --> 00:45:24,200
She doesn't need cannabis, my mum.
Her brain is wonderful.

767
00:45:24,280 --> 00:45:27,360
We went to a restaurant the other day
where you eat in the dark.

768
00:45:27,440 --> 00:45:29,000
It's in London, right? And my mum went,

769
00:45:29,080 --> 00:45:31,960
"I don't know, Russ.
What if I forget where my mouth is?"

770
00:45:38,440 --> 00:45:42,040
She keeps a hula hoop underneath her sofa.

771
00:45:42,120 --> 00:45:44,160
I found it the other day.
I was like, "What's this?"

772
00:45:44,240 --> 00:45:47,720
And my mum, "Well,
when I watch the news and it's awful,

773
00:45:47,800 --> 00:45:52,200
what I do, I pull out the hula hoop,
I have a little dance,

774
00:45:52,280 --> 00:45:54,160
and I feel better."

775
00:45:55,360 --> 00:45:56,280
And then she said this.

776
00:45:56,360 --> 00:46:00,720
"I think you'll find there's a lot of
ladies my age that do a similar thing."

777
00:46:00,800 --> 00:46:02,760
Fucking no, there is not.

778
00:46:03,880 --> 00:46:05,560
How much better would the world be
if there was?

779
00:46:05,640 --> 00:46:08,040
"Your husband's dead." "You're joking."

780
00:46:12,640 --> 00:46:15,400
You can learn a lot, you know?
And l've got a fucking messed-up brain.

781
00:46:15,480 --> 00:46:17,040
I had an amazing conversation.

782
00:46:17,120 --> 00:46:19,360
I don't know if anyone here
is genuinely worried about death.

783
00:46:19,440 --> 00:46:22,000
I am. All the time.
Like, this has been the fun gig,

784
00:46:22,080 --> 00:46:23,800
but I'll go to bed tonight
and my brain'll be like,

785
00:46:23,880 --> 00:46:25,280
"You're gonna die.

786
00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:27,960
Nothing you do matters, you piece of shit.

787
00:46:28,040 --> 00:46:29,280
Dead in a ditch."

788
00:46:29,360 --> 00:46:31,720
And that is tricky.
And this tour's been hard.

789
00:46:31,800 --> 00:46:34,160
It's been amazing.
But my granddad has died,

790
00:46:34,240 --> 00:46:36,560
my nan has died,
and my uncle Tim has died.

791
00:46:36,640 --> 00:46:39,000
Three people that I adored are no more,

792
00:46:39,080 --> 00:46:42,200
and there's bullies and bigots
and idiocy everywhere.

793
00:46:42,280 --> 00:46:44,400
I was talking to my dad about it.
I was really upset.

794
00:46:44,480 --> 00:46:46,880
I was like... And my dad,
my dad's a bit of a philosopher.

795
00:46:46,960 --> 00:46:50,080
He's disgusting. But he says wise things.

796
00:46:50,920 --> 00:46:53,760
The other day Mum said, "Dave,
do you wanna watch Britain's Got Talent?"

797
00:46:53,840 --> 00:46:56,080
And my dad went,
"Watch? Britain's Got Talent?

798
00:46:56,160 --> 00:46:59,120
l'd rather shit in my hand and clap."

799
00:47:01,840 --> 00:47:03,200
So he recognizes...

800
00:47:04,200 --> 00:47:06,480
the reason mainstream TV exists.

801
00:47:07,040 --> 00:47:08,920
To keep us all thick

802
00:47:09,000 --> 00:47:10,960
so the government can pass the laws.

803
00:47:11,040 --> 00:47:14,800
"There's the cakey program.
There's the dancy program.

804
00:47:14,880 --> 00:47:16,760
We'll just get on with this, okay?"

805
00:47:16,840 --> 00:47:19,560
"Cakey dance-dance. Cakey dance-dance."

806
00:47:22,760 --> 00:47:25,920
I was talking to my dad about death.
He said something that's disgusting.

807
00:47:26,000 --> 00:47:27,600
And this'll be too much for some of you,
I think.

808
00:47:27,680 --> 00:47:29,640
This side of the room,
you'll be all right. This is gonna...

809
00:47:29,720 --> 00:47:32,280
This is genuinely hideous. I apologize.

810
00:47:32,360 --> 00:47:35,920
But it's the funniest, most profound thing
anyone's ever said to me.

811
00:47:36,000 --> 00:47:38,800
I was talking to my dad about death.
I said, "Dad, what's the point?

812
00:47:38,880 --> 00:47:42,880
Granddad's dead. Nan's dead.
Uncle Tim's gone.

813
00:47:42,960 --> 00:47:43,960
What's the point?"

814
00:47:44,040 --> 00:47:45,200
My dad said this. He went,

815
00:47:45,280 --> 00:47:49,080
"Should I tell you what life is, Son?
Life is just moments.

816
00:47:49,160 --> 00:47:52,440
What you gotta do, go along,
grab as many of them as possible,

817
00:47:52,520 --> 00:47:55,720
and hopefully they flash before your eyes
before you die."

818
00:47:56,600 --> 00:47:59,920
If he'd have stopped there,
it would have been quite uplifting.

819
00:48:01,240 --> 00:48:03,360
But this is my dad.

820
00:48:03,440 --> 00:48:05,120
And this is what he said to me.

821
00:48:05,200 --> 00:48:08,880
"You made it. You're here.
That is incredible.

822
00:48:08,960 --> 00:48:12,400
Do you know how lucky you are to be alive?

823
00:48:12,880 --> 00:48:15,720
You could have died

824
00:48:15,800 --> 00:48:17,400
on my belly.

825
00:48:23,920 --> 00:48:25,440
l'm being serious.

826
00:48:26,520 --> 00:48:31,840
Literally thousands
of your dead brothers and sisters...

827
00:48:32,920 --> 00:48:35,640
Dead in socks. Dead in socks.

828
00:48:37,320 --> 00:48:39,920
I'll often open up the sock drawer

829
00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:44,040
and cry over the never-babies
I could have had.

830
00:48:47,200 --> 00:48:48,560
But I got you.

831
00:48:49,680 --> 00:48:51,560
And I love you.

832
00:48:51,640 --> 00:48:53,800
There's grace in you, Russ.

833
00:48:53,880 --> 00:48:55,200
I love you.

834
00:48:55,280 --> 00:48:57,640
And when you talk that shit, it kills me.

835
00:48:57,720 --> 00:48:59,400
'Cause you're my boy.

836
00:48:59,480 --> 00:49:02,600
It's very easy.
You're here, then you're gone.

837
00:49:03,200 --> 00:49:04,720
Do your best,

838
00:49:04,800 --> 00:49:06,640
and don't be a dick."

839
00:49:07,880 --> 00:49:10,080
It's an amazing way of looking at life,
isn't it?

840
00:49:10,160 --> 00:49:13,160
That's... That's the truth.

841
00:49:13,800 --> 00:49:15,400
Look at us all here.

842
00:49:16,520 --> 00:49:17,440
All here.

843
00:49:18,040 --> 00:49:22,400
In this moment, right now, we are alive.

844
00:49:22,480 --> 00:49:24,720
Look at us. We're alive.

845
00:49:24,800 --> 00:49:28,960
Every one of us could have died
on our dad's bellies.

846
00:49:29,040 --> 00:49:30,680
That is a fact.

847
00:49:30,760 --> 00:49:33,000
Don't fight it. Don't fight it.

848
00:49:33,080 --> 00:49:36,120
Some of your dads
may be at home now killing siblings.

849
00:49:39,680 --> 00:49:41,480
And we shouldn't be appalled.

850
00:49:42,280 --> 00:49:45,480
We should be recalibrated. Reinvigorated.

851
00:49:46,120 --> 00:49:47,440
This is our earth.

852
00:49:48,040 --> 00:49:51,680
We have the capacity to make it better,
and we're failing.

853
00:49:51,760 --> 00:49:53,800
We're in a terrible state the world over.

854
00:49:53,880 --> 00:49:57,080
Division and bullshit and bigots.

855
00:49:57,160 --> 00:50:00,360
Like, you travel around. You do gigs.
This is an amazing place.

856
00:50:00,440 --> 00:50:01,840
That's why I came to Brighton to do this.

857
00:50:01,920 --> 00:50:06,440
I did it in the middle of Gay Pride
'cause it's the height of loveliness.

858
00:50:11,160 --> 00:50:12,320
Exactly.

859
00:50:16,280 --> 00:50:18,520
But l've been to places...

860
00:50:18,600 --> 00:50:21,240
Like, I was doing some gigs
in the deep south in America.

861
00:50:21,320 --> 00:50:24,320
I was chatting about gay marriage.
Turns out not everyone's a fan.

862
00:50:26,600 --> 00:50:28,360
I had a lot of fun that night.

863
00:50:29,440 --> 00:50:31,840
'Cause I was telling them l'd quite like
to be gay. That is the truth.

864
00:50:31,920 --> 00:50:33,240
- Hey!
- Exactly.

865
00:50:35,280 --> 00:50:37,560
But you all have these moments.
Like, when you think,

866
00:50:37,640 --> 00:50:39,360
"I wonder what it'd be like to be gay."

867
00:50:39,440 --> 00:50:42,440
Like, I love my girlfriend.
She's an amazing human being.

868
00:50:42,520 --> 00:50:44,120
My girlfriend is a doctor,

869
00:50:44,200 --> 00:50:46,800
and she goes out with a comedian.

870
00:50:46,880 --> 00:50:49,000
Do you know how hard a life that is?

871
00:50:49,080 --> 00:50:51,400
She's gotta deal with mental health,
vulnerability,

872
00:50:51,480 --> 00:50:53,000
then she's gotta go to work.

873
00:50:57,040 --> 00:51:00,000
You have those moments where you think,
"If I was going out with a boy, right?"

874
00:51:00,080 --> 00:51:02,000
A man. A man. A man!

875
00:51:03,480 --> 00:51:05,680
He's a man. He's a big lad.
He's called Keith.

876
00:51:08,600 --> 00:51:12,880
If he came home and he was in a mood,
I could fix that. I know how men work.

877
00:51:12,960 --> 00:51:14,320
"l'm in a mood."

878
00:51:14,400 --> 00:51:17,880
We'd play computer football,
l'd wank him off, sorted.

879
00:51:17,960 --> 00:51:19,280
There is not a man alive...

880
00:51:19,360 --> 00:51:21,560
"You're better now,
aren't you, Mr. Grizzly?"

881
00:51:21,640 --> 00:51:24,200
"I am. Thank you very much, Russell,

882
00:51:24,280 --> 00:51:27,000
for understanding
the complexity that is me."

883
00:51:27,080 --> 00:51:30,040
"I did, didn't I?
Who's Daddy's little soldier?"

884
00:51:30,120 --> 00:51:31,440
"It's me."

885
00:51:33,480 --> 00:51:36,200
You can't,
nor should you ever do that with women.

886
00:51:36,280 --> 00:51:38,800
But, if that was an option...

887
00:51:38,880 --> 00:51:40,720
Because we've all had those rows.

888
00:51:40,800 --> 00:51:43,480
Like, my girlfriend
is incredibly intelligent, like all women.

889
00:51:43,560 --> 00:51:46,400
But if she wants to win an argument
she becomes eight.

890
00:51:46,480 --> 00:51:48,680
That's what you do.
"You all right? What's wrong?"

891
00:51:48,760 --> 00:51:55,440
"If you don't know what's wrong, then l'm
not going to explain to you what's wrong.

892
00:51:55,520 --> 00:52:00,480
Yes, I could fix this
by talking rationally like I always do,

893
00:52:00,560 --> 00:52:03,600
but l'd rather this row went on
for two years."

894
00:52:03,680 --> 00:52:05,440
"Just tell me what's wrong."

895
00:52:05,520 --> 00:52:09,040
"Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?"

896
00:52:18,960 --> 00:52:22,360
My girlfriend, she's brilliant.
She works all the hours God sends.

897
00:52:22,440 --> 00:52:25,920
She works for the NHS.
It's an amazing institution. And...

898
00:52:27,280 --> 00:52:30,520
She has to live with me.
It's a difficult life. Right?

899
00:52:30,600 --> 00:52:32,560
And she found... She was in our attic.

900
00:52:32,640 --> 00:52:34,520
Now, we've only recently bought the house.

901
00:52:34,600 --> 00:52:36,920
She found a suitcase in the attic.
She sent me a text.

902
00:52:37,000 --> 00:52:39,360
"What the fuck have you been doing
in the attic?"

903
00:52:39,440 --> 00:52:41,400
I was like, "I haven't been in the attic."

904
00:52:41,480 --> 00:52:43,280
She was like,
"All right. Then what's this?"

905
00:52:43,360 --> 00:52:45,200
And it was a picture of a suitcase.

906
00:52:45,280 --> 00:52:47,880
So I sent her a text back,
"It's a suitcase.

907
00:52:49,000 --> 00:52:51,280
This is a very easy quiz."

908
00:52:52,320 --> 00:52:54,480
Yeah, I know. Even as I sent it,

909
00:52:54,560 --> 00:52:57,520
I could feel my thumb going,
"I don't know, Russ.

910
00:52:58,600 --> 00:53:00,360
Are you sure?"

911
00:53:01,200 --> 00:53:05,040
She sent me pictures of the three things
she found in this suitcase.

912
00:53:05,120 --> 00:53:08,280
It's not my suitcase. It belonged
to the person we bought it off.

913
00:53:08,360 --> 00:53:11,640
I don't know what the fuck
she thought I was doing.

914
00:53:11,720 --> 00:53:12,720
First thing.

915
00:53:13,480 --> 00:53:17,160
Four tins of Heinz tomato baked beans.

916
00:53:18,840 --> 00:53:20,280
Number two.

917
00:53:20,360 --> 00:53:23,240
An R.E.M. CD.

918
00:53:23,320 --> 00:53:25,520
And number three,
and probably most troubling...

919
00:53:26,720 --> 00:53:28,960
a very large, black

920
00:53:29,040 --> 00:53:30,800
strap-on penis.

921
00:53:33,360 --> 00:53:35,240
We're all thinking the same thing.

922
00:53:36,040 --> 00:53:39,680
If you're English, you think thank Christ
you've never been on Cash in the Attic.

923
00:53:41,680 --> 00:53:44,840
"Is it a family heirloom?"
"Fucking hope not, mate.

924
00:53:44,920 --> 00:53:47,240
That would explain
why your eyes are crossed."

925
00:53:48,760 --> 00:53:51,320
But what did she think l'd been doing
up there? That's what puzzled me.

926
00:53:51,400 --> 00:53:55,320
Like, "Bye. See you at the hospital
looking after the people."

927
00:53:55,400 --> 00:53:57,440
And then running up to the attic
like that.

928
00:53:57,520 --> 00:54:00,720
Putting the strap-on on
and just knocking beans on the table.

929
00:54:01,320 --> 00:54:06,560
* Everybody hurts *

930
00:54:08,040 --> 00:54:10,040
"It's so hard being famous."

931
00:54:10,120 --> 00:54:12,480
* Shining, happy people *

932
00:54:12,560 --> 00:54:15,360
* Knocking beans on the fucking table *

933
00:54:15,440 --> 00:54:19,000
* With my big old cock of doom
l'm swinging *

934
00:54:19,080 --> 00:54:22,080
It was the weirdest argument
l've ever had.

935
00:54:22,160 --> 00:54:24,280
She's like, "Is that what you want to do?
Do you want me to bum you in the attic?"

936
00:54:24,360 --> 00:54:26,160
You're like, "Absolutely not!

937
00:54:26,840 --> 00:54:29,080
You can barely parallel park."

938
00:54:32,640 --> 00:54:34,960
But now I own a strappy.

939
00:54:35,040 --> 00:54:37,800
I can't get rid of it. I can't bury it.
l've got a dog.

940
00:54:40,720 --> 00:54:44,040
Do you know what I did with it?
I put it underneath my mum's sofa.

941
00:54:47,120 --> 00:54:50,600
I can't wait for bad news. Mum's like,
"Oh, my God. An earthquake.

942
00:54:50,680 --> 00:54:51,880
I need to dance away...

943
00:54:51,960 --> 00:54:53,480
Fuck!

944
00:54:57,080 --> 00:55:00,400
This draft excluder's got balls, Dave."

945
00:55:03,800 --> 00:55:05,400
I don't understand it, you know?

946
00:55:05,480 --> 00:55:07,800
I was chatting about gay marriage
at this gig, and I was getting...

947
00:55:07,880 --> 00:55:10,640
Like, you've all heard those stereotypical
heckles. They still exist.

948
00:55:10,720 --> 00:55:12,760
"Gay marriage is not natural."

949
00:55:12,840 --> 00:55:14,040
Neither is marriage.

950
00:55:14,640 --> 00:55:15,840
It's not natural.

951
00:55:15,920 --> 00:55:19,640
You don't see it in the animal kingdom.
l've never seen a duck dressed as a vicar.

952
00:55:20,840 --> 00:55:23,000
Never seen it
on an Attenborough nature documentary.

953
00:55:23,080 --> 00:55:24,720
"Here we see the hippo.

954
00:55:24,800 --> 00:55:27,920
She's out and about
in her bachelorette party.

955
00:55:28,840 --> 00:55:32,280
She's getting muffled
in a dance as old as time."

956
00:55:34,280 --> 00:55:35,800
It's absurd. I don't understand it.

957
00:55:35,880 --> 00:55:37,360
What I don't understand,
more than anything,

958
00:55:37,440 --> 00:55:41,240
is people who go out of their way,
searching to be annoyed.

959
00:55:41,320 --> 00:55:43,640
Looking for bigotry.
It's absurd, you know?

960
00:55:43,720 --> 00:55:45,560
'Cause we can make each other so happy.

961
00:55:45,640 --> 00:55:47,920
And I think we should have that
on the end of the news, you know?

962
00:55:48,000 --> 00:55:50,480
'Cause that's what the world is.
The world is woe and wonder.

963
00:55:50,560 --> 00:55:51,840
We have awful things happen,

964
00:55:51,920 --> 00:55:55,480
and there's little moments of beauty
that make us glad to be alive, you know?

965
00:55:55,560 --> 00:55:58,160
I met a woman at a zoo recently.
She was about 60.

966
00:55:58,240 --> 00:55:59,960
We should see this on the news.

967
00:56:00,040 --> 00:56:02,200
She was blind. She was at the zoo.

968
00:56:02,280 --> 00:56:04,280
And her family were like,
"Are you having a good time, Mum?"

969
00:56:04,360 --> 00:56:06,280
And she went, "Not really.

970
00:56:08,000 --> 00:56:09,400
l'm blind.

971
00:56:11,000 --> 00:56:12,800
You've brought me to a zoo."

972
00:56:17,320 --> 00:56:19,560
I fell in love with her.
This is the sentence that got it.

973
00:56:19,640 --> 00:56:22,120
She went, "It's just noises and smells."

974
00:56:27,040 --> 00:56:28,160
I love moments like that.

975
00:56:28,240 --> 00:56:30,840
I was on a plane recently.
I heard a voice in the sky go,

976
00:56:30,920 --> 00:56:33,720
"Will you stop touching your willy?"

977
00:56:35,520 --> 00:56:37,400
I thought it was God.

978
00:56:37,480 --> 00:56:41,160
I was like, "You shouldn't have given me
such a sweet one, then."

979
00:56:41,240 --> 00:56:42,280
I looked around.

980
00:56:42,360 --> 00:56:45,400
There was a mum telling her son off.

981
00:56:45,480 --> 00:56:47,400
This kid was four.

982
00:56:47,480 --> 00:56:50,440
Grabbing himself. She's like,
"Will you stop touching your willy?"

983
00:56:50,520 --> 00:56:53,200
The kid looked at his mum and went,
"Oh, Mummy.

984
00:56:54,400 --> 00:56:55,880
I love it."

985
00:56:58,280 --> 00:57:01,280
There's nothing you can do
with that level of wisdom.

986
00:57:01,360 --> 00:57:04,720
"Mother, if you had one of these
you wouldn't leave the damn thing alone."

987
00:57:04,800 --> 00:57:05,920
"You'll go blind!"

988
00:57:06,000 --> 00:57:08,800
"Yes, Mummy.
Then I'll have a dog and a willy."

989
00:57:13,840 --> 00:57:16,120
Here's a moment
that should be on the end of the news.

990
00:57:16,200 --> 00:57:19,240
I was in Edinburgh the other day.
I was walking along. This bloke leapt out.

991
00:57:19,320 --> 00:57:21,760
- Whoo!
- It may have been you.

992
00:57:23,000 --> 00:57:24,960
- Are you from Edinburgh, madam?
- Yes.

993
00:57:25,040 --> 00:57:26,320
Good.

994
00:57:27,040 --> 00:57:31,200
I was walking along and there was a bloke
that leapt out from a hedge.

995
00:57:31,280 --> 00:57:32,560
And he went, "Whoop."

996
00:57:33,080 --> 00:57:34,880
"You all right?" And he went, "Yep."

997
00:57:35,600 --> 00:57:38,360
He said, "Can you do me a favor?"
I said, "It depends, doesn't it?

998
00:57:38,440 --> 00:57:40,560
I mean, you were in a hedge a minute ago."

999
00:57:41,360 --> 00:57:43,120
This is what he said to me.
He looked at me and went,

1000
00:57:43,200 --> 00:57:45,400
"Please do me a favor, Russ.
Please. Please do this.

1001
00:57:45,480 --> 00:57:49,040
My son is a huge fan of yours.
He's in a car just down there.

1002
00:57:49,120 --> 00:57:51,000
You can, please, go up to that car,

1003
00:57:51,080 --> 00:57:53,800
open the door, and scare him."

1004
00:57:54,920 --> 00:57:57,440
You're like, "Fucking right, I will.

1005
00:57:58,200 --> 00:58:00,720
In fact, I found this in my attic, mate.
Which...

1006
00:58:02,320 --> 00:58:05,120
Which car is it?
l'm gonna melt his braces."

1007
00:58:06,080 --> 00:58:08,960
We were giggling. Me and this stranger.
It was so lovely.

1008
00:58:09,040 --> 00:58:12,760
This is what he said to me. He went, "You
can't go big enough. Really go for it.'

1009
00:58:12,840 --> 00:58:14,600
You can't go big enough."

1010
00:58:14,680 --> 00:58:18,520
What he should have said:
"Don't go too big. My son is eight."

1011
00:58:20,520 --> 00:58:22,880
I didn't know. Poor little kid.
I thought he was just a little fella.

1012
00:58:22,960 --> 00:58:26,760
I ran up. I opened the door. Fuck, man.
I really went for it. I just went...

1013
00:58:29,360 --> 00:58:30,760
The kid looked at me and went,

1014
00:58:30,840 --> 00:58:32,960
"Fuck."

1015
00:58:34,360 --> 00:58:37,240
His dad went,
"Hey. Who taught you to swear?"

1016
00:58:37,320 --> 00:58:39,480
And the kid went, "Him."

1017
00:58:44,120 --> 00:58:46,000
That's what we should have on the news.

1018
00:58:50,440 --> 00:58:52,760
'Cause we can be so kind
to each other, you know?

1019
00:58:52,840 --> 00:58:55,120
And we have those moments
when the world is beautiful.

1020
00:58:55,200 --> 00:58:59,240
Like, about a year before my nan
and granddad died, we went to see Nan.

1021
00:58:59,320 --> 00:59:01,640
She was in hospital.
And everyone I loved went to see her.

1022
00:59:01,720 --> 00:59:03,720
It was really beautiful.
It was a surprise.

1023
00:59:03,800 --> 00:59:06,480
And she was in the hospital bed like,
"All right, Russ. How you doing?"

1024
00:59:06,560 --> 00:59:07,960
"l'm very well. How are you, Nan?"

1025
00:59:08,040 --> 00:59:09,720
"l'm a bit poorly."

1026
00:59:10,360 --> 00:59:12,520
And we're all gathered around her.
Everyone was there.

1027
00:59:12,600 --> 00:59:15,640
My Auntie Gary was there.
She's my favorite auntie.

1028
00:59:15,720 --> 00:59:18,120
She's called Auntie Gary
because she self-injects botox

1029
00:59:18,200 --> 00:59:20,840
and she looks like
the British pedophile Gary Glitter.

1030
00:59:26,360 --> 00:59:28,840
"All right, Gary?"
"All right, guys. How you doing?"

1031
00:59:30,880 --> 00:59:35,360
She can't show emotion.
It's an absolute, fuck, horror show.

1032
00:59:36,440 --> 00:59:39,320
We're being silly. It's the Howard way.
We're taking the piss out of each other.

1033
00:59:39,400 --> 00:59:42,320
My brother had a girlfriend at the time
and he was trying to be normal.

1034
00:59:42,400 --> 00:59:44,480
He couldn't really do it.

1035
00:59:44,560 --> 00:59:48,200
You should've seen him at Christmas.
"Is everyone all right for drinks?"

1036
00:59:48,280 --> 00:59:50,080
"What the fuck is this?

1037
00:59:50,160 --> 00:59:53,280
Last year you pissed in a glass
and went, ‘Apple juice?'"

1038
00:59:58,320 --> 01:00:00,680
He's destined to be a weird uncle,
my brother.

1039
01:00:00,760 --> 01:00:03,080
I love a weird uncle.
They make Christmas so great.

1040
01:00:03,160 --> 01:00:06,320
Mine is called Cuddly Barry, right?

1041
01:00:06,400 --> 01:00:10,600
He came around at Christmas. My mum went,
"Bloody Barry's coming, the dirty shit.

1042
01:00:11,400 --> 01:00:13,400
He'd shag anything that moves.

1043
01:00:13,480 --> 01:00:16,080
I mean it. You watch the dogs.
They freeze."

1044
01:00:17,160 --> 01:00:19,200
They did. They're like, "Shit, it's Barry.

1045
01:00:21,200 --> 01:00:22,800
Don't move, seriously.

1046
01:00:24,840 --> 01:00:27,360
Oh, no. Can you smell gas?"

1047
01:00:31,800 --> 01:00:33,400
That's what my brother's gonna be.

1048
01:00:37,320 --> 01:00:40,200
We're all being very silly.
It's the Howard way. Dicking around.

1049
01:00:40,280 --> 01:00:42,320
My granddad wasn't joining in.
That was the saddest thing.

1050
01:00:42,400 --> 01:00:44,440
'Cause my granddad was the best.

1051
01:00:44,520 --> 01:00:46,760
My granddad was 4 foot 8.

1052
01:00:46,840 --> 01:00:49,600
But he was 10 foot tall full of stories.

1053
01:00:49,680 --> 01:00:50,920
It's what granddads do.

1054
01:00:51,000 --> 01:00:54,400
They just drift into your life,
tell magical lies...

1055
01:00:56,200 --> 01:00:57,840
and then drift away.

1056
01:00:57,920 --> 01:01:00,800
I remember I was about six.
I was eating toast.

1057
01:01:00,880 --> 01:01:03,880
My granddad walked into the kitchen,
just from nowhere, and went, "Yep.

1058
01:01:03,960 --> 01:01:07,400
I reckon I could walk on my hands

1059
01:01:07,480 --> 01:01:09,760
from Edinburgh to London."

1060
01:01:10,880 --> 01:01:12,160
"Amazing.

1061
01:01:14,280 --> 01:01:16,680
Are you gonna do that, Granddad?"

1062
01:01:19,440 --> 01:01:21,520
And he looked at me and went, "No!

1063
01:01:22,040 --> 01:01:24,720
I wouldn't give them the satisfaction."

1064
01:01:27,800 --> 01:01:29,160
And he drifted away.

1065
01:01:30,160 --> 01:01:33,600
But he wasn't like that towards the end
of his life. My granddad had dementia.

1066
01:01:34,200 --> 01:01:37,760
And it's the worst. If you know anyone
with it... It robs them of them.

1067
01:01:37,840 --> 01:01:40,560
And he didn't really talk.
And it was really sad.

1068
01:01:40,640 --> 01:01:43,600
He was very, kind of,
frozen inside himself.

1069
01:01:44,560 --> 01:01:46,680
And then it happened.
He became himself again.

1070
01:01:46,760 --> 01:01:48,560
We're all gathered around my nan.

1071
01:01:48,640 --> 01:01:51,400
My granddad grabbed my nan's hand
and just went,

1072
01:01:51,480 --> 01:01:55,720
"Where you been?
I haven't seen you for ages."

1073
01:01:56,320 --> 01:01:57,840
I know. It was amazing.

1074
01:01:57,920 --> 01:01:59,600
All of us melted. My granddad's like,

1075
01:01:59,680 --> 01:02:04,720
"Look at her. Ain't she the prettiest girl
you ever did see?"

1076
01:02:04,800 --> 01:02:07,520
We're like, "Oh, my God.
l'm gonna die. l'm gonna die."

1077
01:02:07,600 --> 01:02:09,720
It was like my granddad
had pulled his heart out,

1078
01:02:09,800 --> 01:02:11,800
pressed it against my nan's heart,
and gone,

1079
01:02:11,880 --> 01:02:14,080
"Forever, isn't it? It's forever.

1080
01:02:14,160 --> 01:02:17,040
I know l'm a daft bugger.
I know I talk nonsense.

1081
01:02:17,120 --> 01:02:18,440
But you feel that heart.

1082
01:02:21,280 --> 01:02:23,360
That beats like a train for you.

1083
01:02:23,440 --> 01:02:27,120
'Cause I love you now
the same way I always did."

1084
01:02:27,200 --> 01:02:29,920
And we're there going, "Yeah."

1085
01:02:30,000 --> 01:02:31,880
In my head l'm going, "This is it.

1086
01:02:31,960 --> 01:02:34,200
This is one of these moments
your dad was on about.

1087
01:02:34,280 --> 01:02:38,280
Grab it. Hopefully this will flash
before your eyes before you die,

1088
01:02:38,360 --> 01:02:39,360
'cause it was love.

1089
01:02:39,440 --> 01:02:41,720
It was pure, beautiful love."

1090
01:02:41,800 --> 01:02:44,600
And, as ever with my family,
there was a little cherry on top.

1091
01:02:44,680 --> 01:02:49,280
Because my nan had clearly
never received public love before.

1092
01:02:50,680 --> 01:02:53,600
We're all looking at Granddad.
And he's sending it. He's sending it.

1093
01:02:53,680 --> 01:02:55,600
We look at nan. My nan's like that...

1094
01:02:59,960 --> 01:03:02,560
She didn't know what to say,
so she just looked to him and went,

1095
01:03:02,640 --> 01:03:04,760
"You need your hair cut."

1096
01:03:07,240 --> 01:03:08,960
And we all laughed.

1097
01:03:10,120 --> 01:03:11,120
It was beautiful.

1098
01:03:16,400 --> 01:03:19,360
We were lost in laughter, you know?
That's the best.

1099
01:03:19,440 --> 01:03:22,400
That's why I don't understand it. Those
are the moments that are worth living.

1100
01:03:22,480 --> 01:03:24,680
And people go out of their way
at the minute. Hunting out...

1101
01:03:24,760 --> 01:03:26,920
"I wanna be annoyed.
What can I be upset by?

1102
01:03:27,000 --> 01:03:29,000
It's the immigrants, isn't it?
It's the immigrants.

1103
01:03:29,080 --> 01:03:31,920
This is my bit.
This is my bit. This is my bit."

1104
01:03:32,000 --> 01:03:35,120
Fuck off. We don't have time
for this nonsense, you know?

1105
01:03:35,200 --> 01:03:38,200
It's like I said. I was doing this gig,
and just hearing these heckles.

1106
01:03:38,280 --> 01:03:40,320
"Gay marriage upsets God.

1107
01:03:40,400 --> 01:03:42,680
That's why there's thunderstorms."

1108
01:03:42,760 --> 01:03:44,760
"Is it?

1109
01:03:44,840 --> 01:03:47,560
Who the fuck was your
geography teacher, mate?

1110
01:03:48,160 --> 01:03:50,480
In ancient Greece all they did
was read and bum each other.

1111
01:03:50,560 --> 01:03:52,040
The weather was lovely.

1112
01:03:53,960 --> 01:03:57,440
‘Steady on, Socrates.
l'm gonna lose my page.'"

1113
01:03:58,960 --> 01:04:00,680
Gay marriage upsets God.

1114
01:04:00,760 --> 01:04:04,160
Well, God upsets me.
He's a fucking weirdo.

1115
01:04:04,240 --> 01:04:08,360
He could have selected any noise
for the fox to make when it makes love.

1116
01:04:09,160 --> 01:04:10,680
And that's what he went with?

1117
01:04:13,480 --> 01:04:16,280
"Well, I think we've
absolutely nailed that."

1118
01:04:18,520 --> 01:04:22,000
"I don't know, God.
It sounds like someone raping a bagpipe."

1119
01:04:27,080 --> 01:04:28,920
God's a creepy prick.

1120
01:04:30,200 --> 01:04:33,600
He made penguins.
He gave them wings, but they can't fly.

1121
01:04:34,240 --> 01:04:35,360
What a wanker.

1122
01:04:35,440 --> 01:04:38,440
"Look at these. Oh, they do nothing.

1123
01:04:40,280 --> 01:04:42,160
God's a cunt."

1124
01:04:52,720 --> 01:04:55,560
I don't understand it.
It's time to recalibrate, you know?

1125
01:04:55,640 --> 01:04:57,280
There's enough bigotry in this world.

1126
01:04:57,360 --> 01:04:59,920
Like, when we legalized gay marriage,
it was ridiculous.

1127
01:05:00,000 --> 01:05:04,280
Like, do you remember what Lord Tebbit,
the Tory peer, said in the House of Lords?

1128
01:05:04,360 --> 01:05:07,040
This is a man who has a say in our laws.

1129
01:05:07,120 --> 01:05:09,600
He just went, "Gay marriage could lead

1130
01:05:09,680 --> 01:05:11,440
to a lesbian queen."

1131
01:05:11,520 --> 01:05:14,720
That was his input to the debate.

1132
01:05:15,520 --> 01:05:18,240
Like Liz was gonna go, "It's legal, is it?

1133
01:05:19,280 --> 01:05:21,080
Off you pop, Philip.

1134
01:05:21,680 --> 01:05:24,480
Hello, Britain. There's gonna be
some changes around here.

1135
01:05:24,960 --> 01:05:27,320
This is Linda. She's my top bitch.

1136
01:05:28,560 --> 01:05:31,840
That's it, Linda.
Does it taste like stamps?"

1137
01:05:31,920 --> 01:05:33,120
It's...

1138
01:05:39,480 --> 01:05:41,000
It is unlikely.

1139
01:05:45,760 --> 01:05:48,320
It's unlikely that that's gonna happen.

1140
01:05:48,400 --> 01:05:51,800
And the point l'm making,
if you can deal with your...

1141
01:05:52,840 --> 01:05:56,280
Point l'm making... The idea
that some Tory peer is telling us,

1142
01:05:56,360 --> 01:06:01,200
"The idea of a lesbian on the throne
is utterly ridiculous."

1143
01:06:01,280 --> 01:06:03,160
I say, "Fuck off, old man."

1144
01:06:03,240 --> 01:06:05,400
There's lots of things...

1145
01:06:05,480 --> 01:06:09,080
There's lots of things
that are ridiculous in the world.

1146
01:06:09,160 --> 01:06:13,480
The fact that nurses in this country
are using food banks.

1147
01:06:13,560 --> 01:06:15,760
The fact... Exactly.

1148
01:06:15,840 --> 01:06:20,120
The fact that children in this country
go to school malnourished.

1149
01:06:20,200 --> 01:06:23,240
The spelling of the word Chihuahua.

1150
01:06:25,520 --> 01:06:27,240
"Chihuahua."

1151
01:06:30,000 --> 01:06:34,840
The English national anthem.
That's the most absurd song in the world.

1152
01:06:34,920 --> 01:06:36,840
We're English. We love singing it.

1153
01:06:36,920 --> 01:06:38,280
But we don't believe in God.

1154
01:06:38,360 --> 01:06:41,040
We know she's safe.
And yet, you've seen us.

1155
01:06:41,120 --> 01:06:44,280
* Oh, magic man in the clouds *

1156
01:06:44,360 --> 01:06:47,440
* Look after the lady what's safe *

1157
01:06:47,520 --> 01:06:49,520
* Why have we not evolved? *

1158
01:06:51,640 --> 01:06:54,080
It's the time for this country
to recalibrate.

1159
01:06:54,160 --> 01:06:57,200
We need a new anthem
that can bring everyone together.

1160
01:06:57,280 --> 01:06:59,680
I wanna hear this at Wembley.

1161
01:06:59,760 --> 01:07:05,440
* God save our NHS *

1162
01:07:05,520 --> 01:07:10,640
* It really is the best *

1163
01:07:10,720 --> 01:07:14,480
* Liz will be fine *

1164
01:07:16,360 --> 01:07:21,120
* Help those in poverty *

1165
01:07:21,200 --> 01:07:26,080
* Stop kids self-harming for me *

1166
01:07:26,160 --> 01:07:32,240
* Give Donald Trump a lobotomy *

1167
01:07:39,360 --> 01:07:45,960
* E-I-E-I-E-I *

1168
01:07:46,040 --> 01:07:50,280
* O *

1169
01:07:50,360 --> 01:07:51,720
We'd sing that.

1170
01:07:51,800 --> 01:07:55,440
Ladies and gentlemen of the Brighton Dome,

1171
01:07:55,520 --> 01:07:57,120
thank you so much for coming.

1172
01:07:59,360 --> 01:08:00,520
What a gig!

1173
01:08:01,600 --> 01:08:02,680
What people!

1174
01:08:03,720 --> 01:08:06,400
Thank you so much. Thank you very much.

1175
01:08:06,480 --> 01:08:07,760
Well, that's very kind.

1176
01:08:07,840 --> 01:08:09,880
Thank you very much indeed.

1177
01:08:09,960 --> 01:08:12,800
Ladies and gentlemen of Brighton,

1178
01:08:12,880 --> 01:08:17,160
to the future!

1179
01:08:23,439 --> 01:08:25,319
* Absent friends *

1180
01:08:27,040 --> 01:08:29,479
* Here's to them *

1181
01:08:30,520 --> 01:08:32,399
* And happy days *

1182
01:08:32,479 --> 01:08:36,319
* We thought that they would never end *

1183
01:08:37,319 --> 01:08:41,880
* Here's to absent friends *

1184
01:08:45,560 --> 01:08:47,840
* Little Jean *

1185
01:08:49,240 --> 01:08:52,160
* Seberg seemed *

1186
01:08:52,640 --> 01:08:54,600
* So full of life *

1187
01:08:54,680 --> 01:08:56,439
* But in those eyes *

1188
01:08:56,520 --> 01:08:59,279
* Such troubled dreams *

1189
01:08:59,920 --> 01:09:03,600
* Poor little Jean *