1 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:10,670 [ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ] 2 00:00:21,700 --> 00:00:24,200 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 3 00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:25,670 Man: * A'IGHT * 4 00:00:25,667 --> 00:00:28,127 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE ] 5 00:00:30,967 --> 00:00:32,627 Brennan: WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL? 6 00:00:35,633 --> 00:00:38,173 HI. 7 00:00:38,167 --> 00:00:39,567 HOW ARE YOU? 8 00:00:39,567 --> 00:00:40,827 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 9 00:00:40,833 --> 00:00:42,173 GOOD. 10 00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:43,727 UM, HEY, THANKS FOR HAVING ME, FIRST OF ALL. 11 00:00:43,733 --> 00:00:45,273 THANK YOU, NEW ORLEANS. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 12 00:00:45,267 --> 00:00:49,467 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 13 00:00:49,467 --> 00:00:51,997 SO, HEY, HAVE YOU GUYS HAD THAT THING HAPPEN TO YOU YET 14 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:55,530 WHERE YOU REALIZE YOU'RE TOO DEPENDENT ON TECHNOLOGY? 15 00:00:55,533 --> 00:00:57,473 YEAH, IT HAPPENED TO ME. 16 00:00:57,467 --> 00:01:00,067 MY BUDDY WAS VISITING FROM OUT OF TOWN, AND HE CALLED ME UP. 17 00:01:00,067 --> 00:01:02,297 HE WAS LIKE, "DUDE, I NEED DIRECTIONS TO YOUR HOUSE." 18 00:01:02,300 --> 00:01:03,730 I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, COOL. YOU GOT A PEN?" 19 00:01:03,733 --> 00:01:05,233 AND HE GOES, "YEAH," AND I GO, "WRITE THIS DOWN. 20 00:01:05,233 --> 00:01:06,733 "HERE'S THE DIRECTIONS. 21 00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:09,433 YOU'RE GONNA GO TO google.com." 22 00:01:09,433 --> 00:01:11,073 [ LAUGHTER ] 23 00:01:11,067 --> 00:01:13,597 "YOU'RE GONNA TYPE IN MY ADDRESS." 24 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:14,600 [ LAUGHTER ] 25 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:16,470 "DO WHATEVER THEY SAY." 26 00:01:16,467 --> 00:01:17,867 [ LAUGHTER ] 27 00:01:17,867 --> 00:01:20,267 HE WAS LIKE, "I'M NOT NEAR A COMPUTER RIGHT NOW," 28 00:01:20,267 --> 00:01:22,367 AND I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, DO YOU HAVE GPS ON YOUR PHONE?" 29 00:01:22,367 --> 00:01:24,067 HE GOES, "NO, I HAVE, LIKE, AN OLD FLIP PHONE." 30 00:01:24,067 --> 00:01:26,827 LIKE, "WELL, THEN I DON'T THINK YOU CAN COME TO MY HOUSE." 31 00:01:26,833 --> 00:01:29,073 [ LAUGHTER ] 32 00:01:29,067 --> 00:01:32,497 I HAVE CABLE AND RUNNING WATER. IT'S GONNA FREAK YOU OUT. 33 00:01:32,500 --> 00:01:35,330 [ LAUGHTER ] 34 00:01:35,333 --> 00:01:38,603 I WAS JUST IN SEATTLE A COUPLE WEEKS AGO. 35 00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:40,130 WASHINGTON STATE NOW -- [ CROWD CHEERS ] 36 00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:45,633 YEAH -- WASHINGTON STATE SAID, "YOU KNOW, WEED LEGAL." 37 00:01:45,633 --> 00:01:49,703 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 38 00:01:49,700 --> 00:01:51,770 "WEED LEGAL, 39 00:01:51,767 --> 00:01:54,227 TEXTING AND DRIVING AGAINST THE LAW." 40 00:01:54,233 --> 00:01:55,633 [ LAUGHTER ] 41 00:01:55,633 --> 00:01:57,673 SO, BASICALLY, A COP COULD PULL YOU OVER, 42 00:01:57,667 --> 00:01:58,867 WALK UP TO THE CAR, 43 00:01:58,867 --> 00:02:00,067 SEE YOU ROLLING A JOINT ON YOUR LAP, 44 00:02:00,067 --> 00:02:01,397 AND BE LIKE, "OH, I'M SORRY, SIR, 45 00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:02,930 "I THOUGHT YOU WERE TEXTING AND DRIVING. 46 00:02:02,933 --> 00:02:04,633 HAVE A GREAT DAY." [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 47 00:02:07,300 --> 00:02:09,170 SO, I LIVE IN CALIFORNIA, 48 00:02:09,167 --> 00:02:11,427 AND CALIFORNIA, THE LAW IS 49 00:02:11,433 --> 00:02:12,973 THAT WE CAN'T TALK ON THE PHONE AND DRIVE. 50 00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:14,727 WE CAN'T TEXT AND DRIVE. 51 00:02:14,733 --> 00:02:16,073 TO TALK ON THE PHONE AND DRIVE, 52 00:02:16,067 --> 00:02:17,697 WE GOT TO HAVE THE HANDS-FREE DEVICE. 53 00:02:17,700 --> 00:02:19,730 BUT MY HANDS-FREE DEVICE BROKE RECENTLY, 54 00:02:19,733 --> 00:02:21,073 LIKE A YEAR AND A HALF AGO. 55 00:02:21,067 --> 00:02:22,367 [ LAUGHTER ] 56 00:02:22,367 --> 00:02:23,867 SO, WE ALL HAVE SAME PLAN PRETTY MUCH 57 00:02:23,867 --> 00:02:25,767 FOR NOT GETTING PULLED OVER -- HERE'S WHAT WE DO. 58 00:02:25,767 --> 00:02:28,397 WE'LL BE DRIVING ALONG, TALKING TO OUR FRIEND, 59 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:30,370 LOOK OVER, SEE A COP. 60 00:02:30,367 --> 00:02:32,697 [ LAUGHTER ] 61 00:02:36,833 --> 00:02:38,973 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 62 00:02:38,967 --> 00:02:40,297 [ LAUGHTER ] 63 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:48,470 [ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ] 64 00:02:48,467 --> 00:02:50,127 THEN YOU GOT TO YELL TO YOUR FRIEND 65 00:02:50,133 --> 00:02:51,833 LIKE, "YO, THERE'S A COP NEXT TO ME. 66 00:02:51,833 --> 00:02:53,673 JUST HANG OUT FOR A SECOND, ALL RIGHT?" 67 00:02:53,667 --> 00:02:56,827 [ LAUGHTER ] 68 00:02:56,833 --> 00:02:59,833 SAME PLAN? YEAH. 69 00:02:59,833 --> 00:03:02,403 NEVER CATCH US, THESE BITCH-ASS COPS. 70 00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,070 [ LAUGHS ] 71 00:03:04,067 --> 00:03:07,297 TEXTING AND DRIVING -- ALSO ILLEGAL. 72 00:03:07,300 --> 00:03:09,070 THAT, I GOT TO SAY, I AGREE WITH, THOUGH, 73 00:03:09,067 --> 00:03:10,797 'CAUSE TEXTING AND DRIVING 74 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:13,530 IS SOME MIND-BENDING SHIT, ISN'T IT? 75 00:03:13,533 --> 00:03:16,873 YOU'LL BE DRIVING ALONG AND BE LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT? 76 00:03:16,867 --> 00:03:18,367 LET ME JUST CLICK ON..." 77 00:03:18,367 --> 00:03:20,467 [ LAUGHTER ] 78 00:03:20,467 --> 00:03:24,397 "TEXT MY FRIEND HERE." 79 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:25,800 YOU LOOK UP, AND YOU'RE LIKE, 80 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:27,730 "WOW. WAS I DRIVING THAT WHOLE TIME?" 81 00:03:27,733 --> 00:03:31,073 [ LAUGHTER ] 82 00:03:31,067 --> 00:03:33,867 "THAT SHIT WAS DANGEROUS. FUCK." 83 00:03:33,867 --> 00:03:36,067 [ LAUGHTER ] 84 00:03:36,067 --> 00:03:39,067 "'CAUSE WHEN I LOOKED DOWN, I WAS ON THE HIGHWAY. 85 00:03:39,067 --> 00:03:42,067 AND NOW I'M IN MY GARAGE." 86 00:03:42,067 --> 00:03:44,167 [ LAUGHTER ] 87 00:03:44,167 --> 00:03:46,667 "WELL, AT LEAST IT WAS AN IMPORTANT TEXT." 88 00:03:46,667 --> 00:03:47,727 [ LAUGHTER ] 89 00:03:47,733 --> 00:03:50,773 "NO, YOU'RE RETARDED." 90 00:03:50,767 --> 00:03:53,697 [ LAUGHTER ] 91 00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:56,630 [ LAUGHS ] 92 00:03:56,633 --> 00:04:00,073 NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY "RETARDED." 93 00:04:00,067 --> 00:04:01,467 BUT I THINK WE ALL HAVE A WORD 94 00:04:01,467 --> 00:04:03,667 THAT WE'RE LIKE, "NO, I'M GONNA KEEP SAYING THAT ONE." 95 00:04:03,667 --> 00:04:05,567 [ LAUGHTER ] 96 00:04:05,567 --> 00:04:06,967 I GOT A COUPLE. 97 00:04:06,967 --> 00:04:08,727 UM, YOU KNOW WHY WE ALL HAVE A WORD? 98 00:04:08,733 --> 00:04:10,633 YOU KNOW WHY WE KEEP SAYING "RETARDED," 99 00:04:10,633 --> 00:04:11,803 EVEN THOUGH WE SHOULDN'T, 100 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:14,200 IS 'CAUSE, UH, 'CAUSE WE'RE DICKS. 101 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:15,530 [ LAUGHTER ] 102 00:04:15,533 --> 00:04:17,333 YOU KNOW HOW YOU KNOW HUMAN BEINGS ARE DICKS 103 00:04:17,333 --> 00:04:18,633 IS BY WHO WE HOLD UP AS GREAT 104 00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:20,733 'CAUSE THEY'RE NOT EVEN REALLY THAT GREAT. 105 00:04:20,733 --> 00:04:25,333 LIKE, MOTHER TERESA'S FAMOUS 'CAUSE SHE GAVE AWAY FREE SOUP. 106 00:04:25,333 --> 00:04:27,073 BUT WE'RE SUCH DICKS, WE HEARD THAT 107 00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:29,227 AND LIKE, "WAIT A MINUTE. "SHE GAVE AWAY FREE SOUP? 108 00:04:29,233 --> 00:04:32,233 "SHE DIDN'T CHARGE FOR CROUTONS OR NOTHING? 109 00:04:32,233 --> 00:04:33,573 THIS WOMAN'S A FRICKIN' SAINT." 110 00:04:33,567 --> 00:04:35,127 MARTIN LUTHER KING'S FAMOUS 'CAUSE HE SAID, 111 00:04:35,133 --> 00:04:37,073 "HEY, DESPITE THE DIFFERENCES IN THE COLOR OF OUR SKIN, 112 00:04:37,067 --> 00:04:38,327 LET'S ALL BE GOOD TO EACH OTHER." 113 00:04:38,333 --> 00:04:40,133 AGAIN, WE'RE SUCH DICKS, WE HEARD THIS, 114 00:04:40,133 --> 00:04:41,433 WE'RE LIKE, "RACIAL TOLERANCE? 115 00:04:41,433 --> 00:04:43,233 "WHO THINKS OF THIS SHIT? 116 00:04:43,233 --> 00:04:45,703 "YOU'RE GETTING YOUR OWN HOLIDAY, MARTIN LUTHER KING. 117 00:04:45,700 --> 00:04:47,730 "YEAH, YOUR BIRTHDAY, I DON'T GO TO WORK. 118 00:04:47,733 --> 00:04:49,203 THAT'S HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME." 119 00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:50,400 [ LAUGHTER ] 120 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:52,700 JESUS IS FAMOUS 'CAUSE HE SAID, 121 00:04:52,700 --> 00:04:54,530 "TREAT OTHER PEOPLE THE WAY YOU WANT THEM TO TREAT YOU." 122 00:04:54,533 --> 00:04:55,773 WE HEARD THIS, WE'RE LIKE, 123 00:04:55,767 --> 00:04:58,097 "THIS JESUS IS ON SOME NEXT-LEVEL SHIT." 124 00:04:58,100 --> 00:04:59,530 [ LAUGHTER ] 125 00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:01,933 "WE'RE GONNA WORSHIP YOU, JESUS, AND YOUR DAD. 126 00:05:01,933 --> 00:05:04,703 THIS DOESN'T END TONIGHT, BELIEVE ME." 127 00:05:04,700 --> 00:05:06,170 [ LAUGHTER ] 128 00:05:06,167 --> 00:05:08,067 "NECKLACES WITH YOU ON IT, T-SHIRTS. 129 00:05:08,067 --> 00:05:09,067 'YOU'RE MY HOMEBOY.' 130 00:05:09,067 --> 00:05:10,497 "WE'RE GONNA WORSHIP YOUR MOM 131 00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:15,530 BUT NOT YOUR STEPDAD, 'CAUSE FUCK HIM FOR SOME REASON." 132 00:05:15,533 --> 00:05:17,773 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 133 00:05:21,533 --> 00:05:23,773 JOSEPH GOT A RAW DEAL, HUH? 134 00:05:23,767 --> 00:05:25,867 MORE ON THAT IN A SECOND. 135 00:05:25,867 --> 00:05:27,427 [ LAUGHTER ] 136 00:05:27,433 --> 00:05:29,803 YOU KNOW, JESUS -- LIKE, WE'RE CRAZY INTO JESUS. 137 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:31,670 LIKE, IF ALIENS CAME DOWN TO EARTH, 138 00:05:31,667 --> 00:05:34,067 THEY'LL BE LIKE, "WHO IS THIS GUY WITH THE BEARD 139 00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:35,167 YOU GUYS ARE SO INTO?" 140 00:05:35,167 --> 00:05:37,067 "OH, HIS NAME IS JESUS. 141 00:05:37,067 --> 00:05:38,167 FROM NAZARETH." 142 00:05:38,167 --> 00:05:39,497 [ LAUGHTER ] 143 00:05:39,500 --> 00:05:41,430 "REALLY? WHAT DID HE DO THAT WAS SO GREAT?" 144 00:05:41,433 --> 00:05:44,473 "WHAT HE DID THAT WAS SO GREAT WAS, 145 00:05:44,467 --> 00:05:47,627 HE TOLD US TO BE NICE TO EACH OTHER." 146 00:05:47,633 --> 00:05:48,803 [ LAUGHTER ] 147 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:51,530 "THIS WAS RECENTLY?" 148 00:05:51,533 --> 00:05:53,073 [ LAUGHTER ] 149 00:05:53,067 --> 00:05:54,627 "NO, ACTUALLY, THIS WAS A COUPLE THOUSAND YEARS AGO, 150 00:05:54,633 --> 00:05:55,803 AS A MATTER OF FACT." 151 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:57,830 "AND NO ONE ELSE HAS SAID THAT SINCE?" 152 00:05:57,833 --> 00:06:00,373 "UH, NO, ONE OTHER GUY -- BLACK DUDE WITH A MUSTACHE. 153 00:06:00,367 --> 00:06:02,297 MARTIN LUTHER KING -- HE SAID IT, TOO." 154 00:06:02,300 --> 00:06:04,130 "ALL RIGHT, SO, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. 155 00:06:04,133 --> 00:06:06,103 YOU GUYS ARE SUCH DICKS THAT IN 2,000 YEARS, 156 00:06:06,100 --> 00:06:08,100 "ONLY TWO OF YOU WENT AROUND SAYING, 157 00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:09,730 'HEY, EVERYONE, LET'S BE NICE'?" 158 00:06:09,733 --> 00:06:12,703 "YEAH, BUT I DON'T THINK THAT MAKES US DICKS." 159 00:06:12,700 --> 00:06:14,900 "ALL RIGHT, WELL, WHAT'D YOU DO TO THOSE TWO?" 160 00:06:14,900 --> 00:06:16,570 "ALL RIGHT, WE'RE DICKS." 161 00:06:16,567 --> 00:06:18,397 [ LAUGHTER ] 162 00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:21,230 [ APPLAUSE ] 163 00:06:24,433 --> 00:06:27,803 SO, YEAH, SO, BACK TO JOSEPH. 164 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:29,470 [ LAUGHTER ] 165 00:06:29,467 --> 00:06:31,197 WORST PART OF THE BIBLE! WORST PART OF THE BIBLE. 166 00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:33,300 HE GOES OUT OF TOWN, COMES BACK, MARY'S LIKE, "I'M PREGNANT." 167 00:06:33,300 --> 00:06:35,070 AND HE'S LIKE, "WE HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN SIX MONTHS." 168 00:06:35,067 --> 00:06:36,597 "NO, IT WAS A GHOST." 169 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:38,270 "OH, THAT'S GONNA BE EASIER FOR ME TO DEAL WITH EMOTIONALLY. 170 00:06:38,267 --> 00:06:39,427 ALL RIGHT, FAIR ENOUGH." 171 00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:40,803 [ LAUGHTER ] 172 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,630 I GOT TO SAY, I'M WAY TOO PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE, 173 00:06:42,633 --> 00:06:44,503 'CAUSE IF I WERE JOSEPH AND MARY WAS LIKE, 174 00:06:44,500 --> 00:06:46,470 "HEY, WOULD YOU MIND CHANGING JESUS' DIAPER?" 175 00:06:46,467 --> 00:06:48,697 I'D BE LIKE, "NO, BUT MAYBE THE GHOST WILL. 176 00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:50,070 "ANY WORD FROM THE GHOST? 177 00:06:50,067 --> 00:06:52,067 "ANYTHING ABOUT CHIPPING IN A JERUSA-DOLLARS 178 00:06:52,067 --> 00:06:53,067 "FOR JESUS' PRESCHOOL? 179 00:06:53,067 --> 00:06:54,567 NOTHING?" 180 00:06:54,567 --> 00:06:56,397 [ LAUGHTER ] 181 00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:57,830 "I GOT TO GET A BARTENDING JOB 'CAUSE OF THE GHOST? 182 00:06:57,833 --> 00:06:59,373 ALL RIGHT, FAIR ENOUGH." 183 00:06:59,367 --> 00:07:00,697 [ LAUGHTER ] 184 00:07:00,700 --> 00:07:04,430 I'M ALL GACKED OUT ON... 185 00:07:04,433 --> 00:07:05,833 ON JESUS. 186 00:07:05,833 --> 00:07:09,673 [ CHUCKLES ] NOW, I WENT TO CATHOLIC SCHOOL 12 YEARS. 187 00:07:09,667 --> 00:07:11,297 SO, CATHOLIC SCHOOL -- ALL RIGHT, FIRST OF ALL, 188 00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:13,230 CATHOLIC SCHOOL 12 YEARS, 189 00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:15,073 PEOPLE'S FIRST QUESTION WHEN THEY HEAR THAT IS, 190 00:07:15,067 --> 00:07:16,467 "HEY, NEAL, DID YOU GET MOLESTED?" 191 00:07:16,467 --> 00:07:18,367 IT'S THE SIGN OF A CLASSY ORGANIZATION, ISN'T IT? 192 00:07:18,367 --> 00:07:21,897 AND TO ANSWER THE QUESTION, NO, I DIDN'T GET MOLESTED. 193 00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:26,530 I FUCKED A FEW PRIESTS. 194 00:07:26,533 --> 00:07:29,333 [ LAUGHTER ] 195 00:07:29,333 --> 00:07:33,073 BUT I DIDN'T GET -- I DIDN'T GET MOLESTED. 196 00:07:33,067 --> 00:07:36,197 I AIN'T NO BITCH, YOU UNDERSTAND? 197 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:38,300 8-YEAR-OLD ME FUCKING A PRIEST. 198 00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:39,800 "FORGIVE ME, FATHER. YOU KNOW WHY. 199 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:40,970 [ LAUGHS ]" Wshoo! 200 00:07:40,967 --> 00:07:42,397 [ LAUGHTER ] 201 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,430 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 202 00:07:51,933 --> 00:07:55,073 CATHOLIC SCHOOL IS LIKE PRISON. YOU GOT TO STRIKE FIRST. 203 00:07:55,067 --> 00:07:58,067 [ LAUGHTER ] 204 00:07:58,067 --> 00:08:00,267 [ LAUGHS ] 205 00:08:02,300 --> 00:08:04,070 SEE, GROWING UP CATHOLIC, 206 00:08:04,067 --> 00:08:06,727 IT, YOU KNOW, IT MAKES PEOPLE CRAZY. 207 00:08:06,733 --> 00:08:09,173 LIKE CHRISTIAN POLITICIANS ARE NUTS TO ME, 208 00:08:09,167 --> 00:08:11,567 LIKE WHERE WE CAN'T HAVE ANY CONTRACEPTION 209 00:08:11,567 --> 00:08:13,097 ANYWHERE IN THE SCHOOL. 210 00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:14,400 THEY'LL BE LIKE, "WE CAN'T HAVE CONDOMS IN THE SCHOOLS, 211 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:15,830 "'CAUSE IF WE HAVE CONDOMS IN THE SCHOOLS, 212 00:08:15,833 --> 00:08:17,303 KIDS WILL AUTOMATICALLY HAVE SEX WITH EACH OTHER." 213 00:08:17,300 --> 00:08:18,900 WHICH MAKES ABOUT AS MUCH SENSE AS KIDS BEING LIKE, 214 00:08:18,900 --> 00:08:20,900 "HEY, I GOT SOME BAND-AIDS. WE SHOULD CUT EACH OTHER." 215 00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:22,770 MAKES NO SENSE. 216 00:08:22,767 --> 00:08:25,067 [ LAUGHTER ] 217 00:08:25,067 --> 00:08:26,627 AND THEN THERE'S ALL THIS STUFF IN THE BIBLE 218 00:08:26,633 --> 00:08:28,333 THAT YOU KIND OF TAKE AT FACE VALUE, GROWING UP. 219 00:08:28,333 --> 00:08:29,903 AND THEN YOU GET A LITTLE DISTANCE FROM IT, 220 00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:31,400 AND YOU'RE KIND OF LIKE, "WAIT. WHAT?" 221 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:34,330 LIKE, "THIS IS A LETTER FROM PAUL TO THE PHILIPPIANS." 222 00:08:34,333 --> 00:08:35,433 LIKE, "ALL RIGHT." 223 00:08:35,433 --> 00:08:37,503 WHEN YOU GIVE IT A LITTLE DISTANCE, 224 00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:40,600 YOU GO, "WHO WRITES LETTERS TO ENTIRE GROUPS OF PEOPLE?" 225 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,930 [ LAUGHTER ] 226 00:08:42,933 --> 00:08:47,103 "THIS IS A LETTER FROM LARRY TO THE PUERTO RICANS." 227 00:08:47,100 --> 00:08:49,670 [ LAUGHTER ] 228 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,370 "DEAR PUERTO RICANS, 229 00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,267 WOULD YOU MIND KEEPING THE MUSIC DOWN?" 230 00:08:56,267 --> 00:08:58,527 [ LAUGHTER ] 231 00:08:58,533 --> 00:09:01,073 "SINCERELY, BIG LAR." 232 00:09:01,067 --> 00:09:02,227 [ LAUGHS ] 233 00:09:02,233 --> 00:09:04,233 [ LAUGHTER ] 234 00:09:04,233 --> 00:09:06,973 SO, 12 YEARS OF CATHOLIC SCHOOL, 235 00:09:06,967 --> 00:09:08,367 THEN I MOVED TO NEW YORK, 236 00:09:08,367 --> 00:09:11,467 STARTED HANGING OUT WITH BLACK DUDES. 237 00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:13,767 [ LAUGHTER ] 238 00:09:13,767 --> 00:09:17,397 BANG. BANG. BANG. 239 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:20,200 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 240 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:22,100 I DON'T KNOW THEM. THEY JUST ARE HERE. 241 00:09:22,100 --> 00:09:23,370 [ LAUGHTER ] 242 00:09:23,367 --> 00:09:25,227 [ SNIFFLES ] 243 00:09:25,233 --> 00:09:27,533 YOU BARELY QUALIFIED, YOU'RE SO LIGHT-SKINNED, BY THE WAY. 244 00:09:27,533 --> 00:09:30,073 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 245 00:09:30,067 --> 00:09:32,127 [ LAUGHS ] 246 00:09:34,433 --> 00:09:37,803 YEAH, SO, I GOT A LOT OF BLACK FRIENDS. 247 00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:39,770 I HAVE LIKE OVER, UH... 248 00:09:39,767 --> 00:09:41,067 OVER 20. 249 00:09:41,067 --> 00:09:44,427 NOW IT'S LIKE ALMOST 30. UM... 250 00:09:44,433 --> 00:09:46,133 NO, I GOT A LOT OF BLACK FRIENDS. 251 00:09:46,133 --> 00:09:48,173 HERE'S THE THING ABOUT MY BLACK FRIENDS. 252 00:09:48,167 --> 00:09:51,127 MY BLACK FRIENDS CAN RELAX IN A WAY THAT MY WHITE FRIENDS CAN'T. 253 00:09:51,133 --> 00:09:52,833 WHITE PEOPLE, WE'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT RELAXING. 254 00:09:52,833 --> 00:09:54,403 YOU KNOW WHY? 255 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:57,200 I FIGURED IT OUT, 'CAUSE WE'RE ALWAYS WORRYING ABOUT THE RULES. 256 00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:58,400 AND WHO'S BREAKING THE RULES. 257 00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:00,000 THE OTHER THING ABOUT BEING WHITE -- 258 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:04,500 YOU GOT TO ADMIT IT -- WE GOT TATTLETALE IN OUR DNA. 259 00:10:04,500 --> 00:10:06,130 [ LAUGHTER ] 260 00:10:06,133 --> 00:10:08,573 WE GOT SNITCH IN OUR BLOOD, WHITE PEOPLE. 261 00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:10,427 I'LL BE AT A NIGHTCLUB WITH MY BLACK FRIENDS. 262 00:10:10,433 --> 00:10:12,033 IT'LL BE PACKED. 263 00:10:12,033 --> 00:10:13,573 EVERYBODY'S DRINKING, DANCING, LAUGHING, HAVING A GREAT TIME, 264 00:10:13,567 --> 00:10:15,097 AND I'M TRYING TO FIT IN 265 00:10:15,100 --> 00:10:18,230 LIKE, "THERE MUST BE 350 PEOPLE IN HERE RIGHT NOW. 266 00:10:18,233 --> 00:10:21,203 I WONDER WHAT THE FIRE MARSHAL WOULD HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT?" 267 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:23,870 [ LAUGHTER ] 268 00:10:27,233 --> 00:10:29,903 [ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ] 269 00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:36,873 WHITE PEOPLE LOVE THE RULES SO MUCH 270 00:10:36,867 --> 00:10:40,797 THAT WE WILL GO ON POLICE RIDE-ALONGS... 271 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:42,270 FOR FUN. 272 00:10:42,267 --> 00:10:44,167 [ LAUGHTER ] 273 00:10:44,167 --> 00:10:45,427 DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WHITE THAT IS? 274 00:10:45,433 --> 00:10:46,873 YOU EVER TRY TO EXPLAIN THAT TO BLACK PEOPLE, 275 00:10:46,867 --> 00:10:47,997 LIKE, "YEAH, I CALL THE PRECINCT. 276 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,900 "I SAY, 'HEY, THIS IS NEAL. 277 00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:52,730 "I'M WHITE, AND I'D LIKE TO GO FOR A RIDE-ALONG.' 278 00:10:52,733 --> 00:10:54,333 "THEY SEND OVER A SQUAD CAR. 279 00:10:54,333 --> 00:10:56,303 "I GET IN THE BACK SEAT, WHICH IS FUN FOR ME 280 00:10:56,300 --> 00:10:58,670 'CAUSE WHAT OTHER OPPORTUNITY WOULD I HAVE TO DO THAT?" 281 00:10:58,667 --> 00:11:00,697 [ LAUGHS EVILLY ] 282 00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:02,300 [ LAUGHTER ] 283 00:11:02,300 --> 00:11:03,830 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 284 00:11:03,833 --> 00:11:05,773 [ LAUGHS EVILLY ] 285 00:11:05,767 --> 00:11:07,427 [ LAUGHTER ] 286 00:11:07,433 --> 00:11:09,533 [ LAUGHS EVILLY ] 287 00:11:11,700 --> 00:11:13,700 WHITE PEOPLE -- WE LOVE THE RULES. 288 00:11:13,700 --> 00:11:15,570 AND WE SHOULD, WHITE PEOPLE. 289 00:11:15,567 --> 00:11:17,197 WE MADE 'EM. 290 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,070 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 291 00:11:19,067 --> 00:11:20,467 WE MADE 'EM. 292 00:11:20,467 --> 00:11:21,827 NATIVE AMERICANS HAD THEIR RULES. 293 00:11:21,833 --> 00:11:24,333 WE'RE LIKE, "NO, THANK YOU. BROUGHT OUR OWN." 294 00:11:24,333 --> 00:11:26,703 SOME RULES ARE REALLY OBVIOUS WHITE PEOPLE MADE. 295 00:11:26,700 --> 00:11:29,470 YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOST OBVIOUS WHITE RULE OF ALL TIME IS? 296 00:11:29,467 --> 00:11:31,397 "NO LOITERING." 297 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:34,130 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 298 00:11:34,133 --> 00:11:36,103 [ SCOFFS ] 299 00:11:36,100 --> 00:11:37,800 YOU KNOW WHAT BLACK PEOPLE CALL LOITERING? 300 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,070 "CHILLIN'." THAT'S CORRECT. 301 00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:42,467 [ LAUGHTER ] 302 00:11:42,467 --> 00:11:44,227 BUT WHITE PEOPLE TRIED IT, THEY WERE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, 303 00:11:44,233 --> 00:11:45,503 "LET'S SEE ABOUT THIS CHILLIN' HERE. 304 00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:47,100 "TRY THIS OUT. 305 00:11:47,100 --> 00:11:49,870 NO, WE'VE GOT TO OUTLAW THAT. I DON'T LIKE THAT ONE BIT." 306 00:11:49,867 --> 00:11:51,967 [ LAUGHTER ] 307 00:11:51,967 --> 00:11:54,527 "IT'S FAR TOO RELAXING. WE'RE NOT MAKING A PROFIT. 308 00:11:54,533 --> 00:11:56,773 WE'RE NOT INVADING ANYTHING. I DON'T LIKE IT." 309 00:11:56,767 --> 00:11:59,867 [ LAUGHTER ] 310 00:11:59,867 --> 00:12:02,627 BUT THERE'S A PRICE TO PAY, WHITE PEOPLE, 311 00:12:02,633 --> 00:12:04,533 FOR LOVING THE RULES AS MUCH AS WE DO. 312 00:12:04,533 --> 00:12:06,603 WE CAN'T SLEEP. 313 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:10,100 NEVER -- I'VE NEVER MET A BLACK INSOMNIAC IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. 314 00:12:10,100 --> 00:12:11,830 [ LAUGHTER ] 315 00:12:11,833 --> 00:12:14,703 MEANWHILE, EVERY WHITE PERSON I KNOW HAS SLEEP ISSUES. 316 00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:16,400 YOU KNOW WHY? 317 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,400 'CAUSE WE'RE UP TOSSING AND TURNING EVERY NIGHT, 318 00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:20,270 THINKING ABOUT WHO BROKE THE RULES THAT DAY. 319 00:12:20,267 --> 00:12:22,067 [ LAUGHTER ] 320 00:12:22,067 --> 00:12:25,667 "HE DOESN'T THINK I SAW HIM, BUT, OH, YEAH, I SAW YOU, CHET. 321 00:12:25,667 --> 00:12:27,767 "AND GUESS WHAT? 322 00:12:27,767 --> 00:12:30,367 "TOMORROW, I'M TELLING. 323 00:12:30,367 --> 00:12:32,297 "YOU KNOW WHEN I'M TELLING? 324 00:12:32,300 --> 00:12:34,530 "WHITE PEOPLE'S FAVORITE TIME OF DAY -- 325 00:12:34,533 --> 00:12:38,233 FIRST THING IN THE MORNING." 326 00:12:38,233 --> 00:12:40,133 [ LAUGHTER ] 327 00:12:40,133 --> 00:12:42,603 [ APPLAUSE ] 328 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:44,130 CAN'T SLEEP, WHITE PEOPLE. 329 00:12:44,133 --> 00:12:46,833 WE NEED BODY PILLOWS TO GET TO SLEEP, 330 00:12:46,833 --> 00:12:50,803 NEED THE MATTRESS WITH THE RED WINE BALANCED ON TOP OF IT. 331 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:52,370 [ LAUGHTER ] 332 00:12:52,367 --> 00:12:55,897 HUMIDIFIER, DEHUMIDIFIER... 333 00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,330 [ LAUGHTER ] 334 00:12:57,333 --> 00:13:00,233 ...AN IONIZER FROM THE SHARPER IMAGE, 335 00:13:00,233 --> 00:13:04,433 A WHITE-NOISE MACHINE FROM THE SkyMall, 336 00:13:04,433 --> 00:13:08,173 SLEEP MASKS, BREATHE EASY NOSE STRIPS, 337 00:13:08,167 --> 00:13:10,167 AMBIEN, TYLENOL P.M. 338 00:13:10,167 --> 00:13:12,597 YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT TAKES MY BLACK FRIENDS TO FALL ASLEEP? 339 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:15,530 A BITE OF A SANDWICH AND A MOMENT OF SILENCE. 340 00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:16,973 [ LAUGHTER ] 341 00:13:16,967 --> 00:13:19,897 [ APPLAUSE ] 342 00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:22,070 THEY'RE OUT. 343 00:13:25,133 --> 00:13:26,333 MY WHITE FRIENDS, ASLEEP, 344 00:13:26,333 --> 00:13:28,203 IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE ON LIFE SUPPORT, 345 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,070 THEY HAVE SO MUCH SHIT IN THEIR ROOM. 346 00:13:30,067 --> 00:13:31,327 [ LAUGHTER ] 347 00:13:31,333 --> 00:13:32,633 MY BLACK FRIENDS, 348 00:13:32,633 --> 00:13:34,533 IT LOOKS LIKE THEY FELL ASLEEP MIDCONVERSATION. 349 00:13:34,533 --> 00:13:36,973 [ LAUGHTER ] 350 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,330 HERE'S THE OTHER THING ABOUT MY BLACK FRIENDS. 351 00:13:47,333 --> 00:13:49,703 THEY'RE ALL IN BETTER SHAPE THAN ME. 352 00:13:49,700 --> 00:13:51,630 ALL OF THEM -- THE OLD ONES, THE BABIES -- 353 00:13:51,633 --> 00:13:53,333 THEY'RE ALL IN BETTER SHAPE THAN ME. 354 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:54,533 [ LAUGHTER ] 355 00:13:54,533 --> 00:13:56,233 I HAVE A TON OF BLACK BABY FRIENDS. 356 00:13:56,233 --> 00:13:57,833 I'M NOT GONNA APOLOGIZE FOR THAT. 357 00:13:57,833 --> 00:13:59,433 NO, THEY'RE ALL IN BETTER SHAPE. 358 00:13:59,433 --> 00:14:01,903 I'M WHITE, I'M VEGAN, I WORK OUT TWICE A WEEK, 359 00:14:01,900 --> 00:14:04,230 AND I BASICALLY HAVE THE BODY OF A BLACK DUDE 360 00:14:04,233 --> 00:14:06,373 WHO JUST GOT OUT OF A COMA, PRETTY MUCH. 361 00:14:06,367 --> 00:14:07,767 [ LAUGHTER ] 362 00:14:07,767 --> 00:14:10,127 LIKE, I WAS THINKING IT'S A GOOD THING 363 00:14:10,133 --> 00:14:13,233 SUPERMAN LANDED IN SMALLVILLE AND NOT, LIKE, DETROIT. 364 00:14:13,233 --> 00:14:14,533 [ LAUGHTER ] 365 00:14:14,533 --> 00:14:15,673 'CAUSE IF SUPERMAN LANDED IN DETROIT, 366 00:14:15,667 --> 00:14:17,127 HE WOULD HAVE BEEN, 367 00:14:17,133 --> 00:14:18,973 LIKE, THE FOURTH FASTEST DUDE ON HIS FOOTBALL TEAM. 368 00:14:18,967 --> 00:14:20,667 [ LAUGHTER ] 369 00:14:20,667 --> 00:14:23,167 "YOU'RE FAST, CLARK, BUT YOU'RE NO JEVARIS MORRISON." 370 00:14:23,167 --> 00:14:25,267 [ LAUGHTER ] 371 00:14:25,267 --> 00:14:28,067 [ LAUGHS ] 372 00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:30,627 YEAH, I'M VEGAN. 373 00:14:30,633 --> 00:14:33,233 PLEASE, PLEASE HOLD YOUR APPLAUSE. 374 00:14:33,233 --> 00:14:36,273 NO, I GOT -- I, YOU KNOW, I LIVE IN L.A. 375 00:14:36,267 --> 00:14:37,867 SO IT'S EASY TO BE VEGAN. YOU NEED BIG CITIES. 376 00:14:37,867 --> 00:14:39,727 NEW YORK, L.A., IT'S EASY, BUT THE REST OF THE COUNTRY, 377 00:14:39,733 --> 00:14:41,073 YOU MIGHT AS WELL WALK UP TO PEOPLE 378 00:14:41,067 --> 00:14:42,497 AND BE LIKE, "HEY, WHERE DO FAGGOTS EAT?" 379 00:14:42,500 --> 00:14:45,770 [ LAUGHTER ] 380 00:14:50,633 --> 00:14:53,073 I WISH I HAD MORE ON THAT JOKE. THAT'S THE WHOLE JOKE. 381 00:14:53,067 --> 00:14:55,127 [ LAUGHTER ] 382 00:14:55,133 --> 00:14:56,933 [ LAUGHS ] 383 00:14:56,933 --> 00:14:58,503 BUT THAT'S WHAT'S GREAT ABOUT STAND-UP. 384 00:14:58,500 --> 00:14:59,770 IT'S LIKE, I SAY "FAGGOT," 385 00:14:59,767 --> 00:15:01,397 YOU KNOW I'M THE FAGGOT IN THAT JOKE. IT'S FINE. 386 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,670 THAT'S -- OFFSTAGE, THAT'S -- WE CAN SAY STUFF. 387 00:15:03,667 --> 00:15:06,497 LIKE, OFFSTAGE ESPECIALLY, LIKE, ME AND MY BLACK COMIC FRIENDS 388 00:15:06,500 --> 00:15:08,070 WILL HAVE THE BEST CONVERSATIONS 389 00:15:08,067 --> 00:15:09,697 WHERE THEY'LL SAY FUNNY STUFF ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE 390 00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:11,700 AND I'LL SAY FUNNY STUFF ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE, AND IT'S COOL. 391 00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:13,130 BUT THEY'LL BE LIKE, "NEAL, 392 00:15:13,133 --> 00:15:14,703 "YOU KNOW WHITE PEOPLE ARE SICK IN THE HEAD, RIGHT? 393 00:15:14,700 --> 00:15:16,400 "THAT'S WHY Y'ALL BE KILLING MOTHERFUCKERS 394 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,300 "AND FREEZING THEM AND EATING THEM MONTHS LATER. 395 00:15:18,300 --> 00:15:20,930 "SO YOU PEOPLE ARE DERANGED, BROTHER. 396 00:15:20,933 --> 00:15:22,333 "THAT'S WHY YOU NEVER SEE ANY BLACK SERIAL KILLERS, 397 00:15:22,333 --> 00:15:23,533 "IS 'CAUSE BLACK PEOPLE AREN'T SICK IN THE HEAD 398 00:15:23,533 --> 00:15:24,703 LIKE WHITE PEOPLE ARE." 399 00:15:24,700 --> 00:15:26,130 I'M LIKE, "NO, DUDE, 400 00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:28,673 "THE REASON I'VE NEVER SEEN A BLACK SERIAL KILLER 401 00:15:28,667 --> 00:15:30,697 "IS 'CAUSE YOU GUYS KILL ONE PERSON 402 00:15:30,700 --> 00:15:32,300 AND ARE IMMEDIATELY ARRESTED." 403 00:15:32,300 --> 00:15:34,370 [ LAUGHTER ] 404 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:39,770 "MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T WRITE A SONG ABOUT IT THAT AFTERNOON." 405 00:15:39,767 --> 00:15:42,727 [ LAUGHTER ] 406 00:15:42,733 --> 00:15:44,473 "HOW'D YOU CATCH ME?" "HOT 97." 407 00:15:44,467 --> 00:15:46,527 "ALL RIGHT, FAIR ENOUGH." 408 00:15:46,533 --> 00:15:51,473 [ LAUGHTER ] 409 00:15:51,467 --> 00:15:53,827 I GOT A LOT OF MEXICAN FRIENDS. 410 00:15:53,833 --> 00:15:56,273 HERE'S THE THING. I LIVE IN THE SOUTHWEST. 411 00:15:56,267 --> 00:15:58,067 PEOPLE WANT TO DEPORT MEXICANS. 412 00:15:58,067 --> 00:16:00,467 WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DEPORT 413 00:16:00,467 --> 00:16:03,827 THE HARDEST-WORKING PEOPLE ON THE PLANET? 414 00:16:03,833 --> 00:16:06,403 MEXICANS ARE THE HARDEST-WORKING PEOPLE ON THE PLANET. 415 00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:07,570 MEXICANS... 416 00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:09,097 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 417 00:16:09,100 --> 00:16:11,200 MEXICANS, PLEASE, CONSERVE YOUR ENERGY. 418 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:12,730 WE NEED YOU FOR WORK TOMORROW. 419 00:16:12,733 --> 00:16:14,803 [ LAUGHTER ] 420 00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:17,370 TWO MORE JOKES, AND IT'S VáMONOS, OKAY? 421 00:16:17,367 --> 00:16:19,527 [ LAUGHTER ] 422 00:16:21,233 --> 00:16:23,233 WHITE PEOPLE ARE GONNA NEED YOU TOMORROW. 423 00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:24,573 YOU KNOW WHAT TIME? 424 00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:26,927 FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. THAT'S CORRECT. 425 00:16:26,933 --> 00:16:28,303 [ LAUGHS ] 426 00:16:28,300 --> 00:16:30,600 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 427 00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:33,400 [ CHUCKLES ] 428 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:34,970 PEOPLE WANT TO DEPORT MEXICANS. 429 00:16:34,967 --> 00:16:38,067 MEXICANS ARE THE HARDEST-WORKING PEOPLE ON THE PLANET. 430 00:16:38,067 --> 00:16:40,267 YOU KNOW WHY I SAY "THE PLANET"? LOOK AT EUROPE. 431 00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:42,867 YOU KNOW WHY EVERYTHING'S SO OLD IN EUROPE? 432 00:16:42,867 --> 00:16:45,167 'CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE ANY MEXICANS THERE 433 00:16:45,167 --> 00:16:46,427 TO BUILD THEM NEW SHIT? 434 00:16:46,433 --> 00:16:48,433 [ LAUGHTER ] 435 00:16:48,433 --> 00:16:50,633 MEXICANS WOULD HAVE A NEW COLOSSEUM UP IN THREE DAYS, 436 00:16:50,633 --> 00:16:52,203 FOR REAL. 437 00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:54,270 TWO DAYS IF WE PAID THEM CASH. 438 00:16:54,267 --> 00:16:58,167 [ LAUGHTER ] 439 00:16:58,167 --> 00:17:01,067 STILL NOT CONVINCED? ALL RIGHT. 440 00:17:01,067 --> 00:17:04,097 MEXICANS WILL STAND AROUND... 441 00:17:04,100 --> 00:17:06,430 ALL DAY 442 00:17:06,433 --> 00:17:08,403 IN A PARKING LOT... 443 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:12,930 JUST IN CASE SOME WORK BREAKS OUT. 444 00:17:12,933 --> 00:17:14,633 [ LAUGHTER ] 445 00:17:14,633 --> 00:17:15,933 DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? 446 00:17:15,933 --> 00:17:18,473 THEY'RE LIKE HOOKERS FOR CONSTRUCTION JOBS. 447 00:17:18,467 --> 00:17:21,067 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 448 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,470 YOU WON'T SEE ANY OTHER RACE OF PEOPLE DOING THAT. 449 00:17:26,467 --> 00:17:27,967 WHENEVER I SEE A BUNCH OF MEXICANS 450 00:17:27,967 --> 00:17:30,167 STANDING IN LINE IN A PARKING LOT, I THINK HOME DEPOT. 451 00:17:30,167 --> 00:17:31,297 WHENEVER I SEE A BUNCH OF WHITE PEOPLE 452 00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:32,370 STANDING IN LINE IN A PARKING LOT, 453 00:17:32,367 --> 00:17:34,867 I THINK "HARRY POTTER" PREMIERE. 454 00:17:34,867 --> 00:17:38,067 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 455 00:17:38,067 --> 00:17:40,067 [ CHUCKLES ] 456 00:17:40,067 --> 00:17:44,067 I GOT A LOT OF ASIAN FRIENDS, AS WELL. 457 00:17:44,067 --> 00:17:46,797 I GOT IN TROUBLE WITH MY ASIAN FRIENDS 458 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:48,400 AND PEOPLE ON TWITTER, 459 00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:52,330 'CAUSE LAST -- WHEN JEREMY LIN FIRST STARTED PLAYING WELL -- 460 00:17:52,333 --> 00:17:53,773 THE KID PLAYS FOR THE ROCKETS -- 461 00:17:53,767 --> 00:17:55,967 HE USED TO PLAY FOR THE KNICKS -- "LINSANITY" -- 462 00:17:55,967 --> 00:17:58,597 FIRST ASIAN-AMERICAN BASKETBALL PLAYER TO DO REALLY WELL -- 463 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:01,500 AND EVERYBODY WAS CALLING HIM "LINSANITY," "CINDERELLA STORY," 464 00:18:01,500 --> 00:18:03,800 "THE UNDERDOG" -- SO, FINALLY, I WENT ON TWITTER, 465 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:05,300 AND I SAID, "YOU GUYS, 466 00:18:05,300 --> 00:18:07,070 I'M AFRAID IF YOU KEEP CALLING JEREMY LIN AN UNDERDOG, 467 00:18:07,067 --> 00:18:09,067 HIS FAMILY WILL EAT HIM." 468 00:18:09,067 --> 00:18:11,127 [ LAUGHTER ] 469 00:18:19,733 --> 00:18:21,103 I THOUGHT I BEAT THEM FAIR AND SQUARE, 470 00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,470 BUT I LOST A LOT OF FOLLOWERS THAT DAY. 471 00:18:22,467 --> 00:18:23,627 THAT'S ALL I'M GONNA SAY. 472 00:18:23,633 --> 00:18:25,773 [ LAUGHTER ] 473 00:18:27,867 --> 00:18:30,067 I'M STUPID ABOUT THIS RACE STUFF, 474 00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:32,327 'CAUSE I USED TO ALWAYS ASK PEOPLE IF THEY WERE MIXED -- 475 00:18:32,333 --> 00:18:34,103 IF THEY WERE HALF WHITE AND HALF ASIAN -- 476 00:18:34,100 --> 00:18:36,200 I WOULD ALWAYS ASK THEM WHICH PARENT WAS WHAT RACE. 477 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,070 BUT I REALIZED IT'S A STUPID QUESTION. 478 00:18:38,067 --> 00:18:40,067 YOU KNOW WHY? IF SOMEONE'S MIXED -- 479 00:18:40,067 --> 00:18:42,167 IF SOMEONE'S HALF WHITE AND HALF ASIAN -- 480 00:18:42,167 --> 00:18:45,527 THE DAD WAS NEVER ASIAN. 481 00:18:45,533 --> 00:18:48,373 [ LAUGHTER ] 482 00:18:48,367 --> 00:18:51,227 [ APPLAUSE ] 483 00:18:51,233 --> 00:18:53,403 EVER. 484 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:56,130 WHITE GIRLS ARE JUST NOT INTO ASIAN DUDES. 485 00:18:56,133 --> 00:18:57,803 LIKE, I'VE NEVER BEEN TO THE CLUB 486 00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:00,100 AND BEEN LIKE, "FUCK, THE ASIAN GUYS ARE HERE." 487 00:19:00,100 --> 00:19:02,430 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 488 00:19:05,300 --> 00:19:08,100 WHITE DUDES, THOUGH, WE'RE, LIKE, ASIAN-GIRL-CRAZY. 489 00:19:08,100 --> 00:19:10,900 WE GOT ALL THESE DUMB-ASS OLD STEREOTYPES ABOUT THEM, TOO, 490 00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:12,630 LIKE, "SHE'S GONNA MAKE ME SOUP." 491 00:19:12,633 --> 00:19:14,403 WHAT? 492 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:15,630 [ LAUGHTER ] 493 00:19:15,633 --> 00:19:17,233 "SHE'S GONNA WALK ON MY BACK." 494 00:19:17,233 --> 00:19:18,833 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 495 00:19:18,833 --> 00:19:20,473 [ LAUGHTER ] 496 00:19:20,467 --> 00:19:21,727 LIKE, WHEN I SEE LUCY LIU, 497 00:19:21,733 --> 00:19:23,733 I'M LIKE, "GOD, I GOT TO HAVE HER." 498 00:19:23,733 --> 00:19:25,333 WHEN THE AVERAGE WHITE GIRL SEES JACKIE CHAN, 499 00:19:25,333 --> 00:19:26,903 SHE'S LIKE, "HUH." 500 00:19:26,900 --> 00:19:29,430 [ LAUGHTER ] 501 00:19:29,433 --> 00:19:31,773 "I WONDER WHAT CHRIS TUCKER HAS BEEN UP TO RECENTLY." 502 00:19:31,767 --> 00:19:34,167 [ LAUGHTER ] 503 00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:36,267 [ CHUCKLES ] 504 00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:43,470 SO, YEAH, I THINK ABOUT RACE ALL THE TIME. 505 00:19:43,467 --> 00:19:45,667 SOLUTIONS -- EH, I DON'T KNOW. 506 00:19:45,667 --> 00:19:47,167 PEOPLE TRY TO COME -- 507 00:19:47,167 --> 00:19:49,627 WHITE PEOPLE ESPECIALLY HAVE TERRIBLE SOLUTIONS FOR IT. 508 00:19:49,633 --> 00:19:51,573 LIKE, THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE... 509 00:19:51,567 --> 00:19:53,927 LIKE, THERE WAS A STORY ON "60 MINUTES" LAST YEAR 510 00:19:53,933 --> 00:19:56,973 ABOUT "HUCKLEBERRY FINN," THE BOOK -- MARK TWAIN BOOK, 511 00:19:56,967 --> 00:19:58,697 "HUCKLEBERRY FINN." 512 00:19:58,700 --> 00:20:00,830 ALL RIGHT, "HUCKLEBERRY FINN" -- I DIDN'T EVEN REMEMBER THIS -- 513 00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:02,903 "HUCKLEBERRY FINN" HAS A BUNCH OF "N" WORDS IN IT. 514 00:20:02,900 --> 00:20:05,130 IT'S GOT 219 "N" WORDS IN IT -- 515 00:20:05,133 --> 00:20:09,233 YEAH -- WHICH TO ME IS SIX TOO MANY. 516 00:20:09,233 --> 00:20:10,803 [ LAUGHTER ] 517 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:13,000 THERE'S A LINE. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 518 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,200 ALL RIGHT, SO, NOW, THE STORY WAS ABOUT 519 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:17,930 WHITE PEOPLE'S BIG PLAN IS, THEY WANT TO GET RID OF 520 00:20:17,933 --> 00:20:20,173 ALL THE "N" WORDS IN "HUCKLEBERRY FINN." 521 00:20:20,167 --> 00:20:22,097 IT WAS JUST SOME TYPICAL WHITE-PEOPLE SHIT FOR YOU. 522 00:20:22,100 --> 00:20:23,730 LIKE, THAT'S WHITE PEOPLE'S GRAND SOLUTION 523 00:20:23,733 --> 00:20:25,233 FOR HELPING BLACK PEOPLE. 524 00:20:25,233 --> 00:20:26,633 LIKE, SOME WHITE STATISTICIAN'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW, FELLAS, 525 00:20:26,633 --> 00:20:28,703 "I'VE BEEN LOOKING AT THE NUMBERS. 526 00:20:28,700 --> 00:20:30,800 "BLACK PEOPLE HAVE SHORTER LIFE-SPANS, CAN'T GET LOANS, 527 00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:32,430 "AND DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO FAIR EDUCATION. 528 00:20:32,433 --> 00:20:36,073 "BUT I THINK I HAVE THE SOLUTION. 529 00:20:36,067 --> 00:20:38,297 "WE'RE GONNA GET RID OF THE 'N' WORDS IN 'HUCKLEBERRY FINN.' 530 00:20:38,300 --> 00:20:39,830 IT'S GONNA CHANGE EVERYTHING FOREVER." 531 00:20:39,833 --> 00:20:41,873 LIKE, SOME BLACK KIDS DROPPING OUT OF SCHOOL 532 00:20:41,867 --> 00:20:43,867 WILL BE LIKE, "FUCK SCHOOL. 533 00:20:43,867 --> 00:20:45,127 I'M GONNA SELL DRUGS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE," 534 00:20:45,133 --> 00:20:47,173 AND THEY'LL BE LIKE, "HEY, DONNELL, 535 00:20:47,167 --> 00:20:48,597 WE GOT RID OF THE 'N' WORDS IN 'HUCKLEBERRY FINN.'" 536 00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:49,930 "YOU DID WHAT, NOW? ALL RIGHT." 537 00:20:49,933 --> 00:20:53,173 [ LAUGHTER ] 538 00:20:53,167 --> 00:20:57,427 ALL RIGHT, THIS IS WHERE I OVER-THINK IT, 539 00:20:57,433 --> 00:20:58,933 THIS RACIAL STUFF. 540 00:20:58,933 --> 00:21:02,173 'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHO I FEEL BAD FOR NOW? 541 00:21:02,167 --> 00:21:06,527 I FEEL BAD FOR MARK TWAIN AFICIONADOS. 542 00:21:06,533 --> 00:21:08,073 'CAUSE THINK ABOUT IT. 543 00:21:08,067 --> 00:21:10,867 NOW WHEN THEY GO TO GET THE ORIGINAL "HUCKLEBERRY FINN," 544 00:21:10,867 --> 00:21:13,197 THEY'RE GONNA SEEM LIKE COMPLETE RACISTS. 545 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:15,570 [ LAUGHTER ] 546 00:21:15,567 --> 00:21:18,827 THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO INTO BOOKSTORES LIKE, "HI." 547 00:21:18,833 --> 00:21:21,073 [ LAUGHTER ] 548 00:21:24,067 --> 00:21:26,497 "HEY, KIND OF A CRAZY QUESTION, BUT, UH..." 549 00:21:26,500 --> 00:21:28,070 [ LAUGHTER ] 550 00:21:28,067 --> 00:21:29,827 "...DO YOU GUYS HAPPEN TO CARRY 'HUCKLEBERRY FINN' 551 00:21:29,833 --> 00:21:31,873 WITH THE 'NIGGERS'?" 552 00:21:31,867 --> 00:21:34,067 [ LAUGHTER ] 553 00:21:34,067 --> 00:21:36,727 [ APPLAUSE ] 554 00:21:36,733 --> 00:21:39,403 [ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ] 555 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:40,870 AND THE REDNECK BEHIND THE COUNTER 556 00:21:40,867 --> 00:21:42,497 IS GONNA BE LIKE, "SURE DO, BROTHER. 557 00:21:42,500 --> 00:21:44,430 "COMES WITH A FREE CONFEDERATE-FLAG BOOKMARK. 558 00:21:44,433 --> 00:21:46,273 THAT'S FOR YOU." 559 00:21:46,267 --> 00:21:48,827 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 560 00:21:48,833 --> 00:21:50,273 [ CHUCKLES ] 561 00:21:50,267 --> 00:21:54,097 RELAX, YOU BABIES. THAT JOKE'S ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. 562 00:21:54,100 --> 00:21:56,670 A REDNECK WILL NEVER WORK AT A BOOKSTORE. 563 00:21:56,667 --> 00:21:58,427 [ LAUGHTER ] 564 00:21:58,433 --> 00:22:00,073 [ CHUCKLES ] 565 00:22:00,067 --> 00:22:02,667 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 566 00:22:05,333 --> 00:22:07,833 REDNECK AT A BOOKSTORE WOULD BE LIKE, 567 00:22:07,833 --> 00:22:10,073 "'PRIDE AND PREJUDICE' IS THE NAME OF MY TRUCK." 568 00:22:10,067 --> 00:22:12,267 [ LAUGHTER ] 569 00:22:15,767 --> 00:22:17,067 [ CHUCKLES ] 570 00:22:17,067 --> 00:22:18,927 THAT IS A VERY GOOD JOKE. THAT'S MY SMARTEST JOKE. 571 00:22:18,933 --> 00:22:21,133 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 572 00:22:21,133 --> 00:22:24,073 [ CHUCKLES ] 573 00:22:24,067 --> 00:22:28,167 SO, NOW, ALL RIGHT, SO, I SAID THE "N" WORD. 574 00:22:28,167 --> 00:22:29,697 WE'RE ALL STILL HERE. 575 00:22:29,700 --> 00:22:31,200 LIKE I SAID, I GOT A LOT OF BLACK FRIENDS, 576 00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:32,830 AND, WHITE PEOPLE, I HAVE ACTUAL BLACK FRIENDS. 577 00:22:32,833 --> 00:22:34,103 AND I KNOW A LOT OF WHITE PEOPLE, 578 00:22:34,100 --> 00:22:35,430 LIKE, THINK YOU HAVE BLACK FRIENDS, 579 00:22:35,433 --> 00:22:37,073 BUT YOU'RE NOT REALLY FRIENDS WITH SOMEBODY 580 00:22:37,067 --> 00:22:40,197 UNLESS YOU CAN YELL AT THEM AND THEY CAN YELL AT YOU BACK. 581 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:41,530 A LOT OF WHITE PEOPLE HAVE TWO STANDARDS 582 00:22:41,533 --> 00:22:42,803 FOR YOUR WHITE FRIENDS OR YOUR BLACK FRIENDS. 583 00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,070 IF ONE OF YOUR WHITE FRIENDS SCREWS UP, 584 00:22:44,067 --> 00:22:45,197 YOU'LL GET LEGITIMATELY PISSED 585 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:46,430 AND BE LIKE, "DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK?" 586 00:22:46,433 --> 00:22:47,873 BUT IF ONE OF YOUR BLACK FRIENDS SCREWS UP, 587 00:22:47,867 --> 00:22:49,597 YOU IMMEDIATELY GO INTO HUMAN-RESOURCES MODE, 588 00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:51,070 LIKE, "MALIK -- 589 00:22:51,067 --> 00:22:53,697 MALIK, YOUR BEHAVIOR HAS MADE ME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE." 590 00:22:53,700 --> 00:22:57,100 [ LAUGHTER ] 591 00:22:57,100 --> 00:23:00,100 "I THINK, GOING FORWARD, WE NEED TO BE MORE COGNIZANT." 592 00:23:00,100 --> 00:23:01,500 [ LAUGHTER ] 593 00:23:01,500 --> 00:23:02,770 "I'VE DRAWN UP A PowerPoint." 594 00:23:02,767 --> 00:23:04,127 BOOP. 595 00:23:04,133 --> 00:23:06,473 [ LAUGHTER ] 596 00:23:06,467 --> 00:23:08,527 PLUS, I'M A HIP-HOP KID, 597 00:23:08,533 --> 00:23:12,633 SO I'VE BEEN MESSING WITH THE "N" WORD SINCE N.W.A. 598 00:23:12,633 --> 00:23:15,503 THAT WAS A BIG ONE, YEAH. YEAH. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 599 00:23:15,500 --> 00:23:18,230 N.W.A. IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER THEM, THEY WERE A RAP GROUP. 600 00:23:18,233 --> 00:23:20,573 THEY WERE -- THEY WERE "STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON." 601 00:23:20,567 --> 00:23:23,067 [ LAUGHTER ] 602 00:23:23,067 --> 00:23:24,297 [ LAUGHS ] 603 00:23:24,300 --> 00:23:27,500 IT WAS -- IT WAS EASY-E, ICE CUBE, DR. DRE, 604 00:23:27,500 --> 00:23:29,130 A COUPLE OTHER DUDES. 605 00:23:29,133 --> 00:23:32,133 ALL RIGHT, SO, EAZY-E DIED OF AIDS -- HILARIOUS. 606 00:23:32,133 --> 00:23:34,203 UM... 607 00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:35,770 [ LAUGHTER ] 608 00:23:35,767 --> 00:23:37,097 [ LAUGHS ] 609 00:23:37,100 --> 00:23:39,070 DR. DRE DOESN'T MAKE MUSIC ANYMORE. 610 00:23:39,067 --> 00:23:41,067 HE JUST MAKES HEADPHONES, AND, UM... 611 00:23:41,067 --> 00:23:42,627 [ LAUGHTER ] 612 00:23:42,633 --> 00:23:45,073 ...ICE CUBE JUST MAKES THESE SHITTY-ASS FAMILY MOVIES. 613 00:23:45,067 --> 00:23:47,067 I ACTUALLY HAD A MOVIE IDEA FOR ICE CUBE 614 00:23:47,067 --> 00:23:49,327 WHERE ICE CUBE FROM 1989 TRAVELS FORWARD IN TIME 615 00:23:49,333 --> 00:23:51,103 AND BEATS THE FUCK OUT OF ICE CUBE TODAY. 616 00:23:51,100 --> 00:23:53,230 [ LAUGHTER ] 617 00:23:53,233 --> 00:23:55,073 HE DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT. 618 00:23:55,067 --> 00:23:58,897 ALL RIGHT, SO, IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT N.W.A. STOOD FOR, 619 00:23:58,900 --> 00:24:00,470 IT STOOD FOR "NIGGAZ WITH ATTITUDE." 620 00:24:00,467 --> 00:24:01,967 NOW, THE WAY I ALWAYS FELT ABOUT IT, 621 00:24:01,967 --> 00:24:04,097 ONCE THEY HAD THE "N," 622 00:24:04,100 --> 00:24:07,430 THEY KIND OF DIDN'T NEED THE W.A. 623 00:24:07,433 --> 00:24:10,573 [ LAUGHTER ] 624 00:24:13,967 --> 00:24:17,427 THE "N" DID MOST OF THE HEAVY LIFTING FOR THEM. 625 00:24:17,433 --> 00:24:19,173 NO ONE WAS EVER LIKE, 626 00:24:19,167 --> 00:24:21,097 "SIR, THERE'S SOME NIGGAZ HERE TO SEE YOU." 627 00:24:21,100 --> 00:24:23,530 "DO THEY HAVE ATTITUDE?" 628 00:24:23,533 --> 00:24:25,833 [ LAUGHTER ] 629 00:24:29,133 --> 00:24:30,233 "I'M AFRAID THEY DO, SIR." 630 00:24:30,233 --> 00:24:31,803 "SHIT!" 631 00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:34,600 [ LAUGHTER ] 632 00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:41,070 ALSO, I GET CALLED THE "N" WORD EVERY DAY. 633 00:24:41,067 --> 00:24:43,067 THANKS, FELLAS. 634 00:24:43,067 --> 00:24:44,297 NO, I GET CALLED THE "N" WORD... 635 00:24:44,300 --> 00:24:45,930 NO, I GET CALLED THE "N" WORD EVERY DAY -- 636 00:24:45,933 --> 00:24:47,933 TEXT, PHONE, PERSON, CONSTANTLY. 637 00:24:47,933 --> 00:24:49,433 MY BLACK FRIENDS CONSTANTLY CALL ME THE "N" WORD. 638 00:24:49,433 --> 00:24:52,733 IT'S SO BAD AND IT'S BEEN GOING ON FOR SO LONG 639 00:24:52,733 --> 00:24:56,473 THAT I CALL MYSELF THE "N" WORD WHEN NO ONE'S AROUND. 640 00:24:56,467 --> 00:24:58,097 I'LL BE IN MY CAR AROUND LUNCHTIME. 641 00:24:58,100 --> 00:25:00,070 AND I'LL BE LIKE, "NIGGA, YOU NEED TO EAT. 642 00:25:00,067 --> 00:25:01,127 WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?" 643 00:25:01,133 --> 00:25:03,603 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 644 00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:06,200 [ LAUGHS ] 645 00:25:12,233 --> 00:25:13,403 I REMEMBER WHEN MY BLACK FRIENDS 646 00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:14,870 FIRST STARTED CALLING ME THE "N" WORD. 647 00:25:14,867 --> 00:25:17,867 LET'S FACE IT. IT WAS PRETTY EXCITING. 648 00:25:17,867 --> 00:25:19,297 [ LAUGHTER ] 649 00:25:19,300 --> 00:25:20,930 BUT IT WAS ALWAYS CONFUSING 'CAUSE THEY WERE DOING IT 650 00:25:20,933 --> 00:25:22,403 TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A PART OF THE GROUP, 651 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:23,770 BUT IT ACTUALLY HAD THE OPPOSITE EFFECT 652 00:25:23,767 --> 00:25:25,697 'CAUSE I COULDN'T SAY IT BACK TO THEM. 653 00:25:25,700 --> 00:25:28,370 SO IT JUST MADE ME FEEL THAT MUCH WHITER, YOU KNOW? 654 00:25:28,367 --> 00:25:29,967 I'D WALK UP TO THE GROUP, AND THEY'D BE LIKE, 655 00:25:29,967 --> 00:25:32,497 "WHAT'S UP, NIGGA?" AND I'D BE LIKE... 656 00:25:32,500 --> 00:25:37,230 [ LAUGHTER ] 657 00:25:37,233 --> 00:25:39,533 "HELLO!" 658 00:25:39,533 --> 00:25:41,573 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 659 00:25:41,567 --> 00:25:44,097 [ WHIMPERS ] 660 00:25:44,100 --> 00:25:46,800 [ LAUGHTER ] 661 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:48,330 SO, THEN -- SO, THEN, FINALLY ONE DAY, 662 00:25:48,333 --> 00:25:49,803 I JUST ASKED THEM LIKE, "HEY, FELLAS, 663 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:50,870 CAN I START SAYING IT BACK?" 664 00:25:50,867 --> 00:25:53,227 SO THEY HAD A MEETING. 665 00:25:53,233 --> 00:25:55,273 [ LAUGHTER ] 666 00:25:55,267 --> 00:25:57,097 AND I GOT APPROVED. YEAH. 667 00:25:57,100 --> 00:25:58,270 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 668 00:25:58,267 --> 00:26:01,067 [ Chuckling ] THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 669 00:26:01,067 --> 00:26:02,827 THEY SAID I'M ONE OF SIX WHITE PEOPLE 670 00:26:02,833 --> 00:26:05,503 THAT'S EVER BEEN APPROVED, THREE OF WHOM -- BEASTIE BOYS. 671 00:26:05,500 --> 00:26:06,970 ALL RIGHT. 672 00:26:06,967 --> 00:26:09,527 SO, NOW I COULD SAY IT, BUT I FORGOT I COULD ONLY SAY IT 673 00:26:09,533 --> 00:26:11,333 AROUND BROTHERS I WAS FRIENDS WITH, 674 00:26:11,333 --> 00:26:13,903 'CAUSE A COUPLE WEEKS LATER, WALKING DOWN THE STREET. 675 00:26:13,900 --> 00:26:15,430 I LISTENING TO MY iPOD. 676 00:26:15,433 --> 00:26:18,773 SOMETHING CALLED THE CRAIG MACK "FLAVA IN YA EAR" REMIX 677 00:26:18,767 --> 00:26:20,067 COMES ON. 678 00:26:20,067 --> 00:26:21,927 ALL RIGHT, A LOT OF PEOPLE KNOW. 679 00:26:21,933 --> 00:26:24,473 FOR THE REST OF YOU, BIGGIE IS ON THE SONG -- NOTORIOUS B.I.G. 680 00:26:24,467 --> 00:26:25,497 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 681 00:26:25,500 --> 00:26:27,600 PUFFY'S FRIEND. 682 00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:29,400 [ LAUGHTER ] 683 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:32,570 BIGGIE'S FIRST LINE IS, "NIGGAS IS MAD. 684 00:26:32,567 --> 00:26:34,967 I GET MORE BUTT THAN ASHTRAYS," 685 00:26:34,967 --> 00:26:38,427 WHICH IS A WONDERFUL DOUBLE ENTENDRE. 686 00:26:38,433 --> 00:26:40,673 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 687 00:26:40,667 --> 00:26:41,767 BIGGIE REALLY SPOKE TO ME. 688 00:26:41,767 --> 00:26:43,097 SO, I'M WALKING DOWN THE STREET, 689 00:26:43,100 --> 00:26:45,070 NOT PAYING ATTENTION, LIKE, "NIGGAS IS MAD. 690 00:26:45,067 --> 00:26:46,397 I GET MORE BUTT THAN ASHTRAYS." 691 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,930 AND I LOOK UP, AND THIS BROTHER'S GLARING AT ME. 692 00:26:48,933 --> 00:26:50,333 HE GOES, "YO, MOTHERFUCKER, 693 00:26:50,333 --> 00:26:52,733 WHO THE FUCK SAID TO SAY 'NIGGA,' WHITE BOY?" 694 00:26:52,733 --> 00:26:55,273 I WAS LIKE, "UM..." 695 00:26:55,267 --> 00:26:57,067 [ LAUGHTER ] 696 00:26:57,067 --> 00:26:58,827 "DO YOU KNOW JAMAL?" 697 00:26:58,833 --> 00:27:00,273 [ LAUGHTER ] 698 00:27:00,267 --> 00:27:02,967 [ APPLAUSE ] 699 00:27:02,967 --> 00:27:04,667 AND HE WAS LIKE, "OH, YOU MUST BE NEAL. 700 00:27:04,667 --> 00:27:07,067 "I HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU, NIGGA. HEARD YOU GOT APPROVED. 701 00:27:07,067 --> 00:27:08,197 GIVE ME SOME LOVE." 702 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:09,500 [ LAUGHTER ] 703 00:27:09,500 --> 00:27:12,530 [ APPLAUSE ] 704 00:27:12,533 --> 00:27:13,873 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 705 00:27:17,567 --> 00:27:19,067 AND THEN HE STOLE MY iPOD. 706 00:27:19,067 --> 00:27:20,397 LOOK... 707 00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:22,300 [ LAUGHTER ] 708 00:27:22,300 --> 00:27:23,470 HE HAD EVERY RIGHT. 709 00:27:23,467 --> 00:27:24,827 YOU KNOW I HAD ALL THE MUSIC BACKED UP, 710 00:27:24,833 --> 00:27:26,173 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT WHITE PEOPLE DO. 711 00:27:26,167 --> 00:27:27,667 TO THE CLOUD, WHITE PEOPLE, TO THE CLOUD. 712 00:27:27,667 --> 00:27:29,267 [ LAUGHTER ] 713 00:27:31,833 --> 00:27:36,103 [ LAUGHS ] 714 00:27:36,100 --> 00:27:40,130 ALL RIGHT, SO, RACE, RELIGION. 715 00:27:40,133 --> 00:27:41,603 LET'S GO POLITICS. 716 00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:43,700 I'M AN OBAMA DUDE, IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT. 717 00:27:43,700 --> 00:27:45,230 UM... 718 00:27:45,233 --> 00:27:47,473 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 719 00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:51,130 YOU KNOW WHAT'S AMAZING ABOUT OBAMA 720 00:27:51,133 --> 00:27:52,433 IS PEOPLE DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT. 721 00:27:52,433 --> 00:27:54,373 LIKE, BEING THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT 722 00:27:54,367 --> 00:27:56,627 ISN'T EVEN, LIKE, THE BIGGEST THING HE'S DONE. 723 00:27:56,633 --> 00:27:58,073 YOU KNOW HOW HE MET MICHELLE? 724 00:27:58,067 --> 00:28:01,897 MICHELLE WAS A LAWYER, AND HE WAS HER INTERN. 725 00:28:01,900 --> 00:28:05,130 IS NOT THE MOST PIMPED-OUT SHIT YOU'VE EVER HEARD IN YOUR LIFE? 726 00:28:05,133 --> 00:28:06,403 SO, SHE WAS LIKE, "GO MAKE SOME COFFEE." 727 00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:07,670 HE WAS LIKE, "YEAH, AND THEN, AFTER THAT, 728 00:28:07,667 --> 00:28:08,727 YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME SOME PUSSY?" 729 00:28:08,733 --> 00:28:10,133 "WHAT?" 730 00:28:10,133 --> 00:28:12,233 [ LAUGHTER ] 731 00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:19,400 I LIKE BARACK. I GOT TO MEET HIM. 732 00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:21,170 THAT'S PART OF THE REASON I LIKE HIM. 733 00:28:21,167 --> 00:28:22,767 I MET HIM LAST -- NO, I MEAN, 734 00:28:22,767 --> 00:28:25,327 WHEN YOU MEET SOMEBODY, YOU'RE LIKE, "HE'S MY FRIEND. 735 00:28:25,333 --> 00:28:28,733 NO, I CAN CALL HIM WHENEVER. I MET HIM FOR 30 SECONDS." 736 00:28:28,733 --> 00:28:31,173 I MET HIM LAST YEAR 737 00:28:31,167 --> 00:28:33,267 AT THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER. 738 00:28:33,267 --> 00:28:34,767 MY BUDDY SETH MEYERS HOSTED IT, 739 00:28:34,767 --> 00:28:36,897 AND I WROTE A BUNCH OF JOKES WITH HIM, 740 00:28:36,900 --> 00:28:38,830 AND -- AND WE GOT -- I GOT TO GO, 741 00:28:38,833 --> 00:28:42,073 AND THE DAY BEFORE, I GOT, LIKE, A TOUR OF THE WHITE HOUSE -- 742 00:28:42,067 --> 00:28:43,727 LIKE, A GOOD TOUR. 743 00:28:43,733 --> 00:28:46,533 LIKE, I MET THE DOG. [ LAUGHTER ] 744 00:28:46,533 --> 00:28:48,333 TOTALLY COOL DOG, BY THE WAY. HASN'T GONE TO HIS HEAD AT ALL. 745 00:28:48,333 --> 00:28:49,533 JUST A REAL REGULAR DOG. 746 00:28:49,533 --> 00:28:51,833 [ LAUGHTER ] 747 00:28:51,833 --> 00:28:54,103 AND THEN WE GO THROUGH THE WHITE HOUSE. 748 00:28:54,100 --> 00:28:55,800 THEN, WE GO TO THE OVAL OFFICE. 749 00:28:55,800 --> 00:28:57,270 IN THE OVAL OFFICE, 750 00:28:57,267 --> 00:29:00,197 ACROSS FROM THE CLINTON BLOW-JOB DESK, 751 00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:02,070 IT WAS, LIKE, 752 00:29:02,067 --> 00:29:03,567 LITERALLY, LIKE THE FIRST THING YOU THINK 753 00:29:03,567 --> 00:29:04,827 IS, LIKE, "OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH." 754 00:29:04,833 --> 00:29:06,733 THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU WANT TO TOUCH IT?" 755 00:29:06,733 --> 00:29:07,973 I'M LIKE, "NO THANK YOU." 756 00:29:07,967 --> 00:29:09,827 THERE'S -- THERE WAS A COFFEE TABLE. 757 00:29:09,833 --> 00:29:12,403 ON THE COFFEE TABLE, THERE'S A BOWL OF APPLES. 758 00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:13,770 SETH'S MOM IS ON THE TOUR, AS WELL, 759 00:29:13,767 --> 00:29:14,897 AND SHE GOES, "HEY, ARE THOSE APPLES REAL?" 760 00:29:14,900 --> 00:29:16,170 AND THE WOMAN GIVING US THE TOUR 761 00:29:16,167 --> 00:29:17,427 WAS LIKE, "YEAH, WOULD ONE OF YOU LIKE ONE?" 762 00:29:17,433 --> 00:29:18,973 I'M LIKE, "YEAH, I'M A FUCKING TAXPAYER. 763 00:29:18,967 --> 00:29:21,097 [ LAUGHS ]" 764 00:29:21,100 --> 00:29:23,100 [ LAUGHTER ] 765 00:29:23,100 --> 00:29:26,170 SO, UH, SO, I'M EATING AN APPLE IN THE WHITE HOUSE, 766 00:29:26,167 --> 00:29:27,427 IN THE OVAL OFFICE. 767 00:29:27,433 --> 00:29:30,673 ON THE WALL, OBAMA HAS THE ORIGINAL COPY 768 00:29:30,667 --> 00:29:32,527 OF THE EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION, 769 00:29:32,533 --> 00:29:34,133 YEAH, WHICH I'M PRETTY SURE IS JUST THERE 770 00:29:34,133 --> 00:29:35,973 IN CASE THE TEA PARTY'S LIKE, "WE DON'T THINK YOU'RE FREE." 771 00:29:35,967 --> 00:29:38,697 "ALL RIGHT, LOOK AT THE WALL." 772 00:29:38,700 --> 00:29:40,630 [ LAUGHS ] THAT'S ALL THEY HAVE LEFT. 773 00:29:40,633 --> 00:29:42,533 THIS IS LITERALLY ALL THEY HAVE LEFT. 774 00:29:42,533 --> 00:29:45,403 SO, THEN, THE NEXT DAY, 775 00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:47,930 WE GO TO THE CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER ITSELF, 776 00:29:47,933 --> 00:29:51,903 AND -- AND BEFOREHAND, THERE'S, LIKE, A LITTLE RECEPTION, 777 00:29:51,900 --> 00:29:55,130 LIKE A SMALL ROOM, LIKE 100 PEOPLE, PROBABLY. 778 00:29:55,133 --> 00:29:57,633 WE'RE ALL IN TUXEDOS. 779 00:29:57,633 --> 00:30:00,303 AT A CERTAIN POINT, THEY LET THE PRESIDENT AND FIRST LADY IN, 780 00:30:00,300 --> 00:30:02,270 AND THEY PUT THEM BEHIND RED-VELVET ROPES. 781 00:30:02,267 --> 00:30:04,397 WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GO UP, INTRODUCE OURSELVES, 782 00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:06,270 SAY WHO WE ARE, GET OUR PICTURE TAKEN. 783 00:30:06,267 --> 00:30:07,427 ALL RIGHT, SO, I'D HEARD 784 00:30:07,433 --> 00:30:08,833 MICHELLE WAS A "CHAPPELLE'S SHOW" FAN, 785 00:30:08,833 --> 00:30:10,403 SO I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT? 786 00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:11,800 LET ME EXPLOIT THAT SHIT, FOR ONCE." 787 00:30:11,800 --> 00:30:14,770 KIDDING -- I -- I EXPLOIT IT EVERY DAY. 788 00:30:14,767 --> 00:30:16,267 [ LAUGHS EVILLY ] 789 00:30:16,267 --> 00:30:18,067 UM... 790 00:30:18,067 --> 00:30:21,827 SO, IT'S MY TURN, AND PRESIDENT OBAMA'S HERE. 791 00:30:21,833 --> 00:30:25,073 FIRST LADY OBAMA'S THERE, AND -- AND I WALK UP TO THE PRESIDENT. 792 00:30:25,067 --> 00:30:26,497 I GO, "HEY, MAN," 793 00:30:26,500 --> 00:30:27,630 WHICH I'M PRETTY SURE YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CALL HIM. 794 00:30:27,633 --> 00:30:29,033 [ LAUGHTER ] 795 00:30:29,033 --> 00:30:30,773 BUT IT WAS BETTER THAN LIKE, [Coolly] "HEY, MAN." 796 00:30:30,767 --> 00:30:32,827 UM... 797 00:30:32,833 --> 00:30:34,803 "IS THIS YOUR GIRL? WHAT UP, MA?" 798 00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:36,930 UM... [ LAUGHTER ] 799 00:30:36,933 --> 00:30:39,533 [ Normal voice ] SO, SO, SO, I GO UP, AND I GO -- I GO, 800 00:30:39,533 --> 00:30:41,303 "HEY, MAN, MY NAME'S NEAL BRENNAN, 801 00:30:41,300 --> 00:30:43,200 AND I CREATED 'CHAPPELLE'S SHOW' WITH DAVE CHAPPELLE." 802 00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:45,030 AND HE GOES [As Obama] "OH, MAN, WE LOVE THAT SHOW. 803 00:30:45,033 --> 00:30:46,403 "IN FACT, THAT'S GOT TO BE CONSIDERED 804 00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:47,870 ONE OF THE GREATEST SHOWS OF ALL TIME," 805 00:30:47,867 --> 00:30:49,697 [ Normal voice ] WHICH I GOT TO SAY... 806 00:30:49,700 --> 00:30:53,330 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 807 00:30:53,333 --> 00:30:54,873 I GOT TO SAY, FELT PRETTY GOOD. 808 00:30:54,867 --> 00:30:57,397 LIKE, IF HE'D WANTED A HAND JOB, I WOULD'VE GIVEN IT TO HIM. 809 00:30:57,400 --> 00:30:59,870 [ LAUGHTER ] 810 00:30:59,867 --> 00:31:01,927 SO, HE GOES, [As Obama] "MICHELLE, THIS GUY CREATED 811 00:31:01,933 --> 00:31:03,573 'CHAPPELLE'S SHOW' WITH DAVE CHAPPELLE," 812 00:31:03,567 --> 00:31:05,197 [ Normal voice ] SO MICHELLE COMES OVER 813 00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:07,300 AND GOES, "WE WERE SO UPSET WHEN IT WENT OFF THE AIR," 814 00:31:07,300 --> 00:31:08,800 AND I GO, "HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT?" 815 00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:11,300 [ LAUGHTER ] 816 00:31:11,300 --> 00:31:13,600 SO, UH... 817 00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:15,230 [ LAUGHTER ] 818 00:31:15,233 --> 00:31:17,633 SO, NOW WE'RE GETTING OUR PICTURE TAKEN, 819 00:31:17,633 --> 00:31:22,803 AND THAT DAY, OBAMA HAD GONE TO ALABAMA 820 00:31:22,800 --> 00:31:24,470 TO LOOK AT TORNADO DAMAGE, 821 00:31:24,467 --> 00:31:27,727 THEN HE WENT TO CAPE CANAVERAL FOR SOME NASA STUFF, 822 00:31:27,733 --> 00:31:29,073 THEN HE GOES TO MIAMI, 823 00:31:29,067 --> 00:31:31,067 GIVES A COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS AT A COLLEGE, 824 00:31:31,067 --> 00:31:32,727 THEN HE'S GONNA COME BACK TO D.C., 825 00:31:32,733 --> 00:31:34,633 TAKE PICTURES WITH WEIRDOS FOR AN HOUR. 826 00:31:34,633 --> 00:31:38,133 THEN HE'S GOT TO DO STAND-UP -- BIG DAY. 827 00:31:38,133 --> 00:31:39,533 KILLS BIN LADEN THE NEXT DAY. 828 00:31:39,533 --> 00:31:41,633 DID MORE IN 36 HOURS THAN GEORGE BUSH DID 829 00:31:41,633 --> 00:31:42,833 IN HIS WHOLE LIFE. 830 00:31:42,833 --> 00:31:44,173 ALL RIGHT, SO... 831 00:31:44,167 --> 00:31:45,867 [ LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 832 00:31:45,867 --> 00:31:47,567 YEAH. YEAH. 833 00:31:47,567 --> 00:31:49,067 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE ] 834 00:31:49,067 --> 00:31:52,267 ALL RIGHT, SO -- SO, NOW WE'RE GETTING OUR PICTURE TAKEN. 835 00:31:52,267 --> 00:31:54,627 AND THERE'S PEOPLE LINED UP TO MEET HIM 836 00:31:54,633 --> 00:31:56,803 LIKE HE'S SANTA CLAUS OR SOMETHING. 837 00:31:56,800 --> 00:31:58,930 IT'S LIKE RUPERT MURDOCH AND SEAN PENN -- 838 00:31:58,933 --> 00:32:01,933 LIKE, LITERALLY, WANTING TO MEET HIM LIKE HE'S SANTA CLAUS. 839 00:32:01,933 --> 00:32:03,403 LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS, LITTLE BOY?" 840 00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:04,570 "TAX CUTS." "ALL RIGHT." 841 00:32:04,567 --> 00:32:06,427 [ LAUGHTER ] 842 00:32:06,433 --> 00:32:09,073 SO, THIS IS HOW SMOOTH OBAMA IS. 843 00:32:09,067 --> 00:32:11,897 WE'RE GETTING OUR PICTURE TAKEN, AND I SAY TO HIM -- I GO -- 844 00:32:11,900 --> 00:32:13,930 I GO, "GOD, MAN, THIS IS ALL SO WEIRD." 845 00:32:13,933 --> 00:32:15,873 I GO, "DO YOU EVER GET USED TO THIS?" 846 00:32:15,867 --> 00:32:17,167 AND HE GOES, "NOPE." 847 00:32:17,167 --> 00:32:19,897 AND THEN I SWEAR TO GOD, HE GOES, "BUT, YOU KNOW, 848 00:32:19,900 --> 00:32:22,770 I CAN'T JUST UP AND RETIRE LIKE DAVE CHAPPELLE DID." 849 00:32:22,767 --> 00:32:24,427 [ LAUGHTER ] 850 00:32:24,433 --> 00:32:26,733 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 851 00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:33,800 AND I WAS LIKE, "MOTHERFUCKER, WHAT DID YOU SAY?" 852 00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:35,900 [ LAUGHTER ] 853 00:32:35,900 --> 00:32:38,230 AND HE'S LIKE, "YOU HEARD ME. CHICAGO, BITCH." 854 00:32:38,233 --> 00:32:39,773 [ LAUGHTER ] 855 00:32:39,767 --> 00:32:42,397 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 856 00:32:42,400 --> 00:32:44,100 SECRET SERVICE WAS LIKE, "LET THEM FIGHT, LET THEM FIGHT. 857 00:32:44,100 --> 00:32:45,330 I GOT $50 ON THE WHITE BOY." 858 00:32:45,333 --> 00:32:47,473 [ LAUGHTER ] 859 00:32:47,467 --> 00:32:49,797 IT WAS AWESOME. SMOOTH DUDE. 860 00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:53,800 WHICH BRINGS ME TO MITT ROMNEY. 861 00:32:53,800 --> 00:32:56,200 DOESN'T HE FEEL LIKE A WEIRD-ASS, 862 00:32:56,200 --> 00:32:59,270 LIKE, '80s MOVIE-DAD DREAM WE ALL HAD OF HIM? 863 00:32:59,267 --> 00:33:01,327 [ LAUGHTER ] 864 00:33:01,333 --> 00:33:03,933 THING ABOUT ROMNEY -- SUPER RICH DUDE. 865 00:33:03,933 --> 00:33:05,133 THAT'S THE THING. 866 00:33:05,133 --> 00:33:07,473 EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE SUPER RICH, 867 00:33:07,467 --> 00:33:09,127 BUT HERE'S WHAT YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT. 868 00:33:09,133 --> 00:33:11,133 IF YOU EVER GET SUPER RICH AND THEN YOU HAVE KIDS, 869 00:33:11,133 --> 00:33:13,073 THERE'S LIKE A 98% CHANCE 870 00:33:13,067 --> 00:33:15,927 THAT YOUR KIDS ARE GONNA BE DICKHEADS. 871 00:33:15,933 --> 00:33:17,233 [ LAUGHTER ] 872 00:33:17,233 --> 00:33:18,733 AND THEN YOU START TO GET OLDER AND DYING, 873 00:33:18,733 --> 00:33:20,603 AND THEN THEY'RE GROWN UP, WEARING YACHTING OUTFITS, 874 00:33:20,600 --> 00:33:22,700 JUST WAITING FOR YOU TO CROAK SO THEY CAN SPEND YOUR MONEY 875 00:33:22,700 --> 00:33:25,800 ON COCAINE AND BOATS AND SHIT. 876 00:33:25,800 --> 00:33:27,900 IF I EVER GET SUPER RICH AND IF I HAVE KIDS, 877 00:33:27,900 --> 00:33:30,470 LIKE, IF THEY'RE NICE, I'LL LEAVE THEM MONEY IN MY WILL, 878 00:33:30,467 --> 00:33:32,897 BUT IF THEY'RE DICKHEADS, I GOT A WHOLE NOTHER PLAN. 879 00:33:32,900 --> 00:33:35,370 HEAR ME OUT. ALL RIGHT. 880 00:33:35,367 --> 00:33:36,627 HERE'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO. 881 00:33:36,633 --> 00:33:38,333 I'M GONNA GATHER MY KIDS AROUND MY DEATHBED. 882 00:33:38,333 --> 00:33:39,573 I'M GONNA BE LIKE, "LOOK, KIDS, 883 00:33:39,567 --> 00:33:41,067 "I'M GONNA PAY FOR MY OWN FUNERAL. 884 00:33:41,067 --> 00:33:42,367 "WHATEVER'S LEFT OVER, 885 00:33:42,367 --> 00:33:44,427 YOU KIDS CAN SPLIT UP AMONGST YOURSELVES." 886 00:33:44,433 --> 00:33:47,073 AND THEN I'M GONNA HAVE THE MOST EXPENSIVE FUNERAL... 887 00:33:47,067 --> 00:33:49,567 [ LAUGHTER ] 888 00:33:49,567 --> 00:33:51,327 ...IN THE HISTORY OF DEATH. 889 00:33:51,333 --> 00:33:52,603 [ LAUGHTER ] 890 00:33:52,600 --> 00:33:54,500 I'M GONNA HAVE, LIKE, A PLATINUM CASKET, 891 00:33:54,500 --> 00:33:57,400 MY NAME WRITTEN IN DIAMONDS ON THE SIDE. 892 00:33:57,400 --> 00:34:00,070 MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER BENEATH IT, TOO, 893 00:34:00,067 --> 00:34:01,727 'CAUSE, FUCK IT, I'M DEAD NOW. 894 00:34:01,733 --> 00:34:03,533 WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO WITH IT? 895 00:34:03,533 --> 00:34:04,973 OPEN CASKET. 896 00:34:04,967 --> 00:34:06,897 I'M GONNA BUY ALL KINDS OF MOVIE PROPS 897 00:34:06,900 --> 00:34:08,430 AND DEMAND TO BE BURIED IN THEM. 898 00:34:08,433 --> 00:34:11,073 I'M WEARING HUMPHREY BOGART'S HAT FROM "CASABLANCA"... 899 00:34:11,067 --> 00:34:12,227 [ LAUGHTER ] 900 00:34:12,233 --> 00:34:13,573 ...DARTH VADER'S CAPE. 901 00:34:13,567 --> 00:34:16,267 I GOT INDIANA JONES' WHIP IN MY RIGHT HAND... 902 00:34:16,267 --> 00:34:17,797 [ LAUGHTER ] 903 00:34:17,800 --> 00:34:21,230 ...JIMI HENDRIX'S GUITAR FROM WOODSTOCK IN MY LEFT. 904 00:34:21,233 --> 00:34:23,673 I'M WEARING ROCKY'S BOXING TRUNKS. 905 00:34:23,667 --> 00:34:25,567 I GOT DOROTHY'S RUBY-RED SLIPPERS ON 906 00:34:25,567 --> 00:34:26,767 FROM "THE WIZARD OF OZ." 907 00:34:26,767 --> 00:34:30,197 [ LAUGHTER ] 908 00:34:30,200 --> 00:34:31,530 MY KIDS ARE GONNA BE LIKE, 909 00:34:31,533 --> 00:34:33,503 "WE'RE OUT $15 MILLION ON THE CASKET ALONE." 910 00:34:33,500 --> 00:34:34,870 YEAH, THAT'S JUST THE BEGINNING. 911 00:34:34,867 --> 00:34:36,227 THEN THEY'RE GONNA HEAR, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 912 00:34:36,233 --> 00:34:37,403 PLEASE WELCOME JAY-Z, KANYE WEST." 913 00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:39,500 [ RAPPING INDISTINCTLY ] 914 00:34:39,500 --> 00:34:42,600 THOSE GUYS COME OUT. 915 00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:46,070 THEY DO THE FULL "WATCH THE THRONE" SHOW -- 916 00:34:46,067 --> 00:34:48,827 PYRO, MONITORS, STANDING OVATION, 917 00:34:48,833 --> 00:34:50,533 THEN, JAY-Z's LIKE, "NEAL COULDN'T DECIDE 918 00:34:50,533 --> 00:34:51,903 WHO SHOULD SAY HIS FUNERAL MASS, 919 00:34:51,900 --> 00:34:53,630 "THEN, HE REALIZED IT COULD ONLY BE ONE PERSON. 920 00:34:53,633 --> 00:34:55,533 "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME THE POPE. 921 00:34:55,533 --> 00:34:57,103 HERE COMES THE POPE." 922 00:34:57,100 --> 00:34:59,170 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE POPE WOULD SAY, 923 00:34:59,167 --> 00:35:00,727 BUT BASED ON HIS OUTFIT, 924 00:35:00,733 --> 00:35:06,073 IT SHOULD PROBABLY BE SOMETHING LIKE, "BOO-OO-OO-OO!" 925 00:35:06,067 --> 00:35:08,197 [ LAUGHTER ] 926 00:35:10,167 --> 00:35:12,627 THEN THE -- THEN THE POPE'S LIKE, "NEAL ALWAYS LOVED COMEDY. 927 00:35:12,633 --> 00:35:15,073 "PLEASE WELCOME THE CAST OF 'SEINFELD' REUNION. 928 00:35:15,067 --> 00:35:16,467 HERE THEY COME." 929 00:35:16,467 --> 00:35:19,427 JERRY, ELAINE, KRAMER, GEORGE. KRAMER STEPS UP. 930 00:35:19,433 --> 00:35:21,973 HE'S LIKE, "ARE JAY-Z AND KANYE STILL HERE, BY ANY CHANCE?" 931 00:35:21,967 --> 00:35:24,727 [ LAUGHTER AND GROANS ] 932 00:35:24,733 --> 00:35:26,503 "LOOK... 933 00:35:26,500 --> 00:35:28,430 "LOOK, FELLAS, I JUST WANTED TO APOLOGIZE 934 00:35:28,433 --> 00:35:30,203 "FOR THAT NIGHT AT THE LAUGH FACTORY. 935 00:35:30,200 --> 00:35:32,870 "AS A SHOW OF RECONCILIATION, I'D LIKE TO DONATE $10 MILLION 936 00:35:32,867 --> 00:35:34,267 TO THE UNITED NEGRO COLLEGE FUND." 937 00:35:34,267 --> 00:35:36,297 AND THEN A HOLOGRAM OF ME APPEARS, 938 00:35:36,300 --> 00:35:39,200 AND I GO, "AND, KRAMER, I WILL MATCH THAT DONATION." 939 00:35:39,200 --> 00:35:41,300 [ LAUGHTER ] 940 00:35:41,300 --> 00:35:44,170 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 941 00:35:46,467 --> 00:35:48,867 AND MY KIDS GET LIKE 80 BUCKS EACH. 942 00:35:48,867 --> 00:35:50,067 [ LAUGHTER ] 943 00:35:50,067 --> 00:35:52,267 EVERYONE ELSE THERE IS LIKE, 944 00:35:52,267 --> 00:35:55,427 "THAT'S THE BEST FUCKING FUNERAL I'VE EVER BEEN TO IN MY LIFE." 945 00:35:55,433 --> 00:35:59,073 [ LAUGHTER ] 946 00:35:59,067 --> 00:36:02,327 HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SICK OF? 947 00:36:02,333 --> 00:36:04,803 I'M SICK OF EVERYBODY TELLING ME WHAT TV SHOWS I GOT TO WATCH. 948 00:36:04,800 --> 00:36:06,800 IT'S, LIKE, ALL PEOPLE TALK ABOUT. 949 00:36:06,800 --> 00:36:08,500 "I LIKE 'GAME OF THRONES,' BRO." 950 00:36:08,500 --> 00:36:10,070 "HEY, 'MAD MEN.'" 951 00:36:10,067 --> 00:36:11,967 "UH, 'BREAKING BAD.'" 952 00:36:11,967 --> 00:36:13,567 "UH..." 953 00:36:13,567 --> 00:36:14,867 [ LAUGHTER ] 954 00:36:14,867 --> 00:36:16,927 "UH..." 955 00:36:16,933 --> 00:36:20,473 MY BUDDY WANTED ME TO WATCH "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA." 956 00:36:20,467 --> 00:36:22,167 FOR YEARS, HE BUGGED ME. 957 00:36:22,167 --> 00:36:24,697 I AVOIDED IT. PEOPLE STILL INTO IT. 958 00:36:24,700 --> 00:36:26,370 I AVOIDED IT. NOW IT'S ON NETFLIX. 959 00:36:26,367 --> 00:36:28,727 MY BUDDY KEV'S BUGGING ME, SO, FINALLY, I BROKE DOWN 960 00:36:28,733 --> 00:36:31,073 AND WATCHED ONE EPISODE OF "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA." 961 00:36:31,067 --> 00:36:33,067 AND IT TURNS OUT, YOU GUYS, 962 00:36:33,067 --> 00:36:36,297 I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT SPACE PROBLEMS. 963 00:36:36,300 --> 00:36:38,370 [ LAUGHTER ] 964 00:36:40,500 --> 00:36:43,370 I PERSONALLY LIKE SHOWS LIKE "HOARDERS" AND "TEEN MOM" -- 965 00:36:43,367 --> 00:36:45,927 SHOWS THAT MAKE ME FEEL -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 966 00:36:45,933 --> 00:36:48,233 YEAH. SHOWS THAT MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT ME. 967 00:36:48,233 --> 00:36:49,703 I WATCH AN EPISODE OF "TEEN MOM," 968 00:36:49,700 --> 00:36:51,230 AND I'M LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT, NEAL? 969 00:36:51,233 --> 00:36:53,273 YOU'VE MADE A LOT OF REALLY GOOD DECISIONS, YEAH." 970 00:36:53,267 --> 00:36:56,467 [ LAUGHTER ] 971 00:36:56,467 --> 00:36:58,127 SO, I SAY TO MY BUDDY -- I GO, "LOOK, MAN, 972 00:36:58,133 --> 00:37:00,103 I TRIED TO WATCH YOUR SHOW, AND I DIDN'T LIKE IT." 973 00:37:00,100 --> 00:37:01,500 AND HE SAID WHAT PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY 974 00:37:01,500 --> 00:37:02,870 WHEN THEY RECOMMEND A SHOW AND YOU DON'T LIKE IT. 975 00:37:02,867 --> 00:37:05,397 HE GOES, "DUDE, YOU GOT TO WATCH THE WHOLE SERIES." 976 00:37:05,400 --> 00:37:06,870 [ LAUGHTER ] 977 00:37:06,867 --> 00:37:09,067 DO I? IT'S SIX SEASONS LONG. 978 00:37:09,067 --> 00:37:13,297 IT'S 12 EPISODES A SEASONS. IT'S AN HOUR LONG AN EPISODE. 979 00:37:13,300 --> 00:37:17,170 THAT'S 72 HOURS OF SHOWS. THAT'S A BIG COMMITMENT. 980 00:37:17,167 --> 00:37:20,067 PRETTY MUCH, I CAN EITHER WATCH "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA" 981 00:37:20,067 --> 00:37:22,367 OR GET, LIKE, A HELICOPTER PILOT'S LICENSE. 982 00:37:22,367 --> 00:37:24,127 [ LAUGHTER ] 983 00:37:24,133 --> 00:37:25,433 IT'S A LONG ASSET. 984 00:37:25,433 --> 00:37:27,133 I GOT TO SAY, IT WAS WAY MORE FUN 985 00:37:27,133 --> 00:37:28,903 BEFORE NETFLIX AND iTUNES AND DVD, 986 00:37:28,900 --> 00:37:31,070 'CAUSE IT USED TO BE, IN THE '80s AND '90s, 987 00:37:31,067 --> 00:37:33,197 IF YOU DIDN'T SEE A SHOW WHEN IT FIRST AIRED, 988 00:37:33,200 --> 00:37:35,300 IT WAS GREAT, 'CAUSE YOU WERE OFF THE HOOK. 989 00:37:35,300 --> 00:37:36,530 SOMEONE WOULD GO, "HEY, NEAL, 990 00:37:36,533 --> 00:37:38,073 DID YOU SEE 'BLOSSOM' LAST NIGHT?" 991 00:37:38,067 --> 00:37:41,297 "NOPE, AND I NEVER FUCKING WILL, EITHER." 992 00:37:41,300 --> 00:37:43,670 [ LAUGHTER ] 993 00:37:43,667 --> 00:37:45,697 "SHIT'S GONE WITH THE WIND, MY FRIEND." 994 00:37:45,700 --> 00:37:46,830 [ BLOWS ] 995 00:37:46,833 --> 00:37:48,503 [ LAUGHTER ] 996 00:37:48,500 --> 00:37:50,370 "SURE, THEY'LL RERUN 'BLOSSOM' IN THE SUMMER, 997 00:37:50,367 --> 00:37:53,327 "BUT ON SUMMER NIGHTS, I RIDE BIKES AND FINGER CHICKS, 998 00:37:53,333 --> 00:37:54,773 'CAUSE I'M 11." 999 00:37:54,767 --> 00:37:57,527 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 1000 00:38:00,567 --> 00:38:02,527 [ LAUGHS ] 1001 00:38:02,533 --> 00:38:04,903 [ LAUGHTER ] 1002 00:38:09,133 --> 00:38:12,833 WHO -- ANYBODY HERE MARRIED? 1003 00:38:12,833 --> 00:38:15,233 [ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ] 1004 00:38:15,233 --> 00:38:17,073 REALLY? 1005 00:38:17,067 --> 00:38:19,797 GEEZ. SO, MARRIAGE IS PRETTY MUCH OVER, SEEMS LIKE? 1006 00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:22,270 [ LAUGHTER ] 1007 00:38:22,267 --> 00:38:24,527 I THINK PEOPLE ARE COMING TO THE SAME CONCLUSION. 1008 00:38:24,533 --> 00:38:25,933 I'M SCARED TO GET MARRIED, MAN. 1009 00:38:25,933 --> 00:38:27,633 I'M IN MY 30s. I'M SUPPOSED TO BE. 1010 00:38:27,633 --> 00:38:29,473 BUT IT JUST FEELS LIKE GAMBLING. 1011 00:38:29,467 --> 00:38:31,127 FEELS LIKE GAMBLING. 1012 00:38:31,133 --> 00:38:32,773 MARRIAGE IS BASICALLY A WOMAN SAYING TO ME, LIKE, 1013 00:38:32,767 --> 00:38:34,367 "HEY, NEAL, YOU STILL GONNA LOVE ME IN 30 YEARS?" 1014 00:38:34,367 --> 00:38:35,797 AND IT'S LIKE, "I HOPE SO, 1015 00:38:35,800 --> 00:38:37,430 BUT I DON'T WANT TO BET YOU HALF MY SHIT OVER IT." 1016 00:38:37,433 --> 00:38:40,803 [ LAUGHTER ] 1017 00:38:40,800 --> 00:38:43,500 PLUS, I DON'T THINK WOMEN EVEN CARE ABOUT IT. 1018 00:38:43,500 --> 00:38:46,370 I THINK -- HERE'S WHAT I THINK WOMEN CARE ABOUT. 1019 00:38:46,367 --> 00:38:48,627 I THINK WOMEN CARE ABOUT BEING CUTE. 1020 00:38:48,633 --> 00:38:51,373 LADIES, I THINK YOU SPEND MOST OF YOUR LIVES 1021 00:38:51,367 --> 00:38:55,697 IN YOUR OWN HEADS, THINKING ABOUT CUTE THINGS 1022 00:38:55,700 --> 00:38:57,930 THAT YOU'RE GONNA DO IN THE FUTURE. 1023 00:38:57,933 --> 00:39:00,803 AND BASICALLY, GUYS ARE JUST PROPS IN THAT. 1024 00:39:00,800 --> 00:39:02,070 [ LAUGHTER ] 1025 00:39:02,067 --> 00:39:03,197 AND YOU LIKE A LOT OF LEAD TIME 1026 00:39:03,200 --> 00:39:04,700 TO THINK ABOUT THIS CUTE SHIT, TOO. 1027 00:39:04,700 --> 00:39:06,830 THAT'S WHY YOU'RE ALWAYS PLANNING AHEAD SO FAR, LADIES, 1028 00:39:06,833 --> 00:39:08,973 WHERE YOU'LL BE LIKE, "HEY, CAN WE GO TO THE BOTANICAL GARDENS 1029 00:39:08,967 --> 00:39:10,867 THREE SUNDAYS FROM NOW?" AND WE'RE LIKE, "SURE, BABE." 1030 00:39:10,867 --> 00:39:12,227 AND IN THE BACK OF OUR HEADS, 1031 00:39:12,233 --> 00:39:13,833 WE'RE LIKE, "HOPEFULLY, I'LL BE DEAD BY THEN." 1032 00:39:13,833 --> 00:39:16,573 [ LAUGHTER ] 1033 00:39:16,567 --> 00:39:18,927 IT'S SO THAT YOU CAN TAKE THE FULL FEW WEEKS 1034 00:39:18,933 --> 00:39:21,203 THINKING ABOUT HOW CUTE YOU'RE GONNA LOOK, 1035 00:39:21,200 --> 00:39:23,530 AND YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT THESE PLACES. 1036 00:39:23,533 --> 00:39:25,803 YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THE BOTANICAL GARDENS 1037 00:39:25,800 --> 00:39:27,200 OR SAILING OR WINE TASTING. 1038 00:39:27,200 --> 00:39:29,200 YOU GO TO THESE THINGS FOR ONE THING 1039 00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:30,600 AND ONE THING ONLY, LADIES. 1040 00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:32,330 YOU GOT TO GET A PICTURE... 1041 00:39:32,333 --> 00:39:34,603 [ LAUGHTER ] 1042 00:39:34,600 --> 00:39:36,300 ...OF YOURSELF... 1043 00:39:36,300 --> 00:39:37,800 [ LAUGHTER ] 1044 00:39:37,800 --> 00:39:39,070 ...LOOKING CUTE... 1045 00:39:39,067 --> 00:39:42,197 [ LAUGHTER ] 1046 00:39:42,200 --> 00:39:44,730 [ APPLAUSE ] 1047 00:39:44,733 --> 00:39:48,903 ...AS, LIKE, A RECEIPT OR A PROOF OF PURCHASE... 1048 00:39:48,900 --> 00:39:50,070 [ LAUGHTER ] 1049 00:39:50,067 --> 00:39:51,567 ...THAT SOMETHING CUTE HAPPENED.... 1050 00:39:51,567 --> 00:39:54,567 [ LAUGHTER ] 1051 00:39:54,567 --> 00:39:56,867 ...AND YOU WERE THE ONE WHO DID IT. 1052 00:39:56,867 --> 00:39:59,597 FELLAS, WE CAN BE IN THE PICTURE, 1053 00:39:59,600 --> 00:40:01,930 BUT IT'S FOR HER, LOOKING CUTE, 1054 00:40:01,933 --> 00:40:05,073 SO THAT SHE CAN POST THE PICTURE ONLINE 1055 00:40:05,067 --> 00:40:08,497 SO THAT HER ENEMIES CAN SEE IT. 1056 00:40:08,500 --> 00:40:10,100 [ LAUGHTER ] 1057 00:40:10,100 --> 00:40:11,200 YES. 1058 00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:12,970 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1059 00:40:12,967 --> 00:40:14,697 SHE WANTS HER ENEMIES TO SEE IT 1060 00:40:14,700 --> 00:40:17,570 AND BE LIKE, "SHIT, THIS BITCH IS CUTE." 1061 00:40:17,567 --> 00:40:20,297 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 1062 00:40:22,733 --> 00:40:24,903 CUTE, CUTE, CUTE. 1063 00:40:24,900 --> 00:40:27,700 IT'S HUGE. IT AFFECTS EVERYTHING. 1064 00:40:27,700 --> 00:40:29,270 YOU KNOW WHAT I NOTICED RECENTLY, LADIES? 1065 00:40:29,267 --> 00:40:30,667 BECAUSE OF THIS CUTE THING, 1066 00:40:30,667 --> 00:40:34,467 EVERY GIRL I KNOW, ALL THE TIME, IS TWO THINGS -- 1067 00:40:34,467 --> 00:40:38,097 FREEZING... 1068 00:40:38,100 --> 00:40:40,170 [ LAUGHTER ] 1069 00:40:40,167 --> 00:40:41,897 [ CHUCKLES ] 1070 00:40:41,900 --> 00:40:44,600 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1071 00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:46,630 ...STARVING. 1072 00:40:46,633 --> 00:40:48,203 [ LAUGHTER ] 1073 00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:49,930 "OH, MY GOD, I'M SO COLD. 1074 00:40:49,933 --> 00:40:52,703 IS ANYBODY ELSE FREEZING AND STARVING?" 1075 00:40:52,700 --> 00:40:56,470 NO, IT'S 75 DEGREES IN HERE, AND THERE'S FOOD EVERYWHERE. 1076 00:40:56,467 --> 00:40:58,327 [ LAUGHTER ] 1077 00:40:58,333 --> 00:40:59,803 "RUDE." 1078 00:40:59,800 --> 00:41:01,970 [ LAUGHTER ] 1079 00:41:04,567 --> 00:41:06,097 LADIES, YOU ALL SAY THE SAME THING, TOO. 1080 00:41:06,100 --> 00:41:09,330 "I HAVEN'T HAD ANYTHING TO EAT ALL DAY." 1081 00:41:09,333 --> 00:41:11,573 [ LAUGHTER ] 1082 00:41:11,567 --> 00:41:14,667 YOU HAVEN'T HAD ANYTHING TO EAT ALL DAY? 1083 00:41:14,667 --> 00:41:16,297 "I HAD LUNCH." 1084 00:41:16,300 --> 00:41:18,370 [ LAUGHTER ] 1085 00:41:20,267 --> 00:41:21,267 [ CHUCKLES ] 1086 00:41:21,267 --> 00:41:23,867 BUT, LIKE, YOU DON'T HAVE LUNCH? 1087 00:41:23,867 --> 00:41:26,097 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU EAT AT LUNCH. 1088 00:41:26,100 --> 00:41:28,170 YOU EAT THE MOST OBSCURE STUFF IN THE WORLD. 1089 00:41:28,167 --> 00:41:29,827 ALWAYS LIKE, "ALL I HAD FOR LUNCH TODAY 1090 00:41:29,833 --> 00:41:31,573 WAS, LIKE, A LITTLE BIT OF COCONUT WATER 1091 00:41:31,567 --> 00:41:33,297 AND A HANDFUL OF HUMMUS." 1092 00:41:33,300 --> 00:41:35,800 [ LAUGHTER ] 1093 00:41:35,800 --> 00:41:37,670 WERE YOU CAPTURED BY AL-QAEDA AT LUNCH? 1094 00:41:37,667 --> 00:41:38,767 WHAT HAPPENED AT LUNCH? 1095 00:41:38,767 --> 00:41:41,067 [ LAUGHTER ] 1096 00:41:45,267 --> 00:41:48,067 YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE FREEZING AND STARVING. 1097 00:41:48,067 --> 00:41:49,597 'CAUSE YOU DON'T WEAR ENOUGH CLOTHES, 1098 00:41:49,600 --> 00:41:50,670 AND YOU DON'T EAT ENOUGH. 1099 00:41:50,667 --> 00:41:51,727 [ LAUGHTER ] 1100 00:41:51,733 --> 00:41:53,203 PROBLEM SOLVED. 1101 00:41:53,200 --> 00:41:55,170 [ LAUGHTER ] 1102 00:41:55,167 --> 00:41:58,767 NO, I JUST REALIZED THE EATING THING IS A WHOLE NOTHER THING, 1103 00:41:58,767 --> 00:42:02,067 BUT THE DRESSING THING -- I REALIZED HOW WOMEN DRESS. 1104 00:42:02,067 --> 00:42:05,567 WOMEN DRESS FOR THE FIRST 30 SECONDS 1105 00:42:05,567 --> 00:42:08,067 OF WHEREVER THEY'RE GOING. 1106 00:42:08,067 --> 00:42:10,167 [ LAUGHTER ] 1107 00:42:10,167 --> 00:42:11,667 [ APPLAUSE ] 1108 00:42:11,667 --> 00:42:14,127 YOU BASICALLY -- YOU BASICALLY DRESS FOR THE ENTRANCE, 1109 00:42:14,133 --> 00:42:16,333 LIKE, "HE-E-E-Y!" 1110 00:42:16,333 --> 00:42:19,173 [ SQUEALING INDISTINCTLY ] 1111 00:42:19,167 --> 00:42:22,197 [ LAUGHTER ] 1112 00:42:22,200 --> 00:42:25,600 [ SQUEALING CONTINUES ] 1113 00:42:25,600 --> 00:42:27,530 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 1114 00:42:27,533 --> 00:42:32,103 AND THEN YOU SPEND THE REST OF THE PARTY LIKE [MOANS] 1115 00:42:32,100 --> 00:42:35,300 "I'M FREEZING, MY FEET HURT, WE HAVE TO GO HOME!" 1116 00:42:35,300 --> 00:42:37,130 [ LAUGHTER ] 1117 00:42:40,400 --> 00:42:42,630 [ CHUCKLES ] 1118 00:42:44,567 --> 00:42:47,227 SO, THE CUTE THING IS BIG... 1119 00:42:47,233 --> 00:42:49,833 AND THE EMOTIONAL THING. 1120 00:42:49,833 --> 00:42:51,373 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 1121 00:42:51,367 --> 00:42:54,497 WOMEN BEING EMOTIONAL HAS WEIRD SIDE EFFECTS. 1122 00:42:54,500 --> 00:42:57,070 ONE OF THEM -- THE BIG ONE, TO ME, 1123 00:42:57,067 --> 00:42:59,067 IS THE WAY WOMEN TELL STORIES, 1124 00:42:59,067 --> 00:43:01,467 'CAUSE, LADIES, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNEW THIS OR NOT, 1125 00:43:01,467 --> 00:43:03,897 BUT A LOT OF GUYS THINK THAT YOUR STORYTELLING STINKS. 1126 00:43:03,900 --> 00:43:06,330 [ LAUGHTER ] 1127 00:43:06,333 --> 00:43:08,933 IT DOESN'T STINK. WE JUST DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. 1128 00:43:08,933 --> 00:43:11,103 THAT'S THE THING. WOMEN ARE EMOTIONAL. 1129 00:43:11,100 --> 00:43:13,170 SO YOUR STORIES ARE SUBTLE AND EMOTIONAL 1130 00:43:13,167 --> 00:43:15,197 AND RELATIONSHIP-BASED. 1131 00:43:15,200 --> 00:43:17,230 THAT'S NOT HOW MEN LIKE OUR STORIES. 1132 00:43:17,233 --> 00:43:19,973 WE LIKE OUR STORIES LIKE THREE-PANEL CARTOON STRIPS, 1133 00:43:19,967 --> 00:43:21,967 LIKE, "HE PUNCHED ME, I STABBED HIM, 1134 00:43:21,967 --> 00:43:23,367 WE BOTH WENT TO JAIL." 1135 00:43:23,367 --> 00:43:25,097 GREAT. 1136 00:43:25,100 --> 00:43:26,670 [ LAUGHTER ] 1137 00:43:26,667 --> 00:43:29,127 IT'S A GREAT STORY. 1138 00:43:29,133 --> 00:43:32,633 AGAIN, WOMEN'S STORIES -- SUBTLE, EMOTIONAL, 1139 00:43:32,633 --> 00:43:34,073 RELATIONSHIP-BASED. 1140 00:43:34,067 --> 00:43:36,897 IT'LL BE LIKE, "SHEILA CAME INTO WORK TODAY. 1141 00:43:36,900 --> 00:43:39,230 "SHE WAS BEING ALL WEIRD TO ME. 1142 00:43:39,233 --> 00:43:42,933 IT WAS LIKE, 'IS SHE BEING WEIRD OR I AM BEING WEIRD?'" 1143 00:43:42,933 --> 00:43:45,533 [ LAUGHTER ] 1144 00:43:45,533 --> 00:43:46,803 AND WOMEN HEAR THAT 1145 00:43:46,800 --> 00:43:49,400 AND ARE LIKE, "THAT'S AN AMAZING STORY." 1146 00:43:49,400 --> 00:43:51,230 [ LAUGHTER ] 1147 00:43:51,233 --> 00:43:53,233 AND GUYS HEAR THAT, WE'RE LIKE, "NOTHING HAPPENED." 1148 00:43:53,233 --> 00:43:55,373 [ LAUGHTER ] 1149 00:43:57,567 --> 00:43:59,527 BEING THE ONLY GUY IN A ROOMFUL OF WOMEN, 1150 00:43:59,533 --> 00:44:01,333 LISTENING TO ONE WOMAN TELL A STORY, 1151 00:44:01,333 --> 00:44:03,133 IS LIKE BEING IN A 3-D MOVIE THEATER, 1152 00:44:03,133 --> 00:44:05,403 AND EVERYONE'S GOT THE GLASSES ON EXCEPT FOR YOU. 1153 00:44:05,400 --> 00:44:07,100 [ LAUGHTER ] 1154 00:44:07,100 --> 00:44:08,500 WHERE THEY'RE LIKE, "AAH!" 1155 00:44:08,500 --> 00:44:10,730 YOU KNOW, LIKE, "THIS IS BLURRY AND CONFUSING." 1156 00:44:10,733 --> 00:44:13,433 [ LAUGHTER ] 1157 00:44:13,433 --> 00:44:16,133 THE CUTE THING -- ALL RIGHT. 1158 00:44:16,133 --> 00:44:17,533 YOU KNOW WHAT, WOMEN? 1159 00:44:17,533 --> 00:44:19,903 YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO THAT'S CRAZIER 1160 00:44:19,900 --> 00:44:22,370 THAN ANY -- ANYTHING ELSE TO BE CUTE? 1161 00:44:22,367 --> 00:44:24,227 PRETEND LIKE YOU'RE TALL. 1162 00:44:24,233 --> 00:44:26,133 [ LAUGHTER ] 1163 00:44:26,133 --> 00:44:27,303 YOU'RE NOT. 1164 00:44:27,300 --> 00:44:28,570 [ LAUGHTER ] 1165 00:44:28,567 --> 00:44:30,067 YOU'RE NOT TALL WHEN YOU'RE WEARING 1166 00:44:30,067 --> 00:44:33,627 YOUR -- YOU'RE WEARING YOUR FAKE HEELS. 1167 00:44:33,633 --> 00:44:35,333 YOU -- IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW THE AVERAGE WOMAN'S 1168 00:44:35,333 --> 00:44:36,933 5 1/2 INCHES SHORTER THAN THE AVERAGE GUY. 1169 00:44:36,933 --> 00:44:38,833 YOU FORGET THAT 'CAUSE THEY WEAR HEELS ALL THE TIME. 1170 00:44:38,833 --> 00:44:40,903 YOU THINK YOUR GIRL IS LIKE AROUND YOUR HEIGHT, 1171 00:44:40,900 --> 00:44:42,900 UNTIL THE END OF THE NIGHT, WHEN YOU GET HOME 1172 00:44:42,900 --> 00:44:45,400 AND REMEMBER HOW SHORT SHE IS WHEN SHE TAKES HER SHOES OFF. 1173 00:44:45,400 --> 00:44:47,330 LIKE, "WASN'T TONIGHT A FUN NIGHT? 1174 00:44:47,333 --> 00:44:48,633 "SUCH A FUN NIGHT. 1175 00:44:48,633 --> 00:44:50,673 WE SHOULD GO OUT TO THOSE BARS MORE OFTEN." 1176 00:44:50,667 --> 00:44:53,767 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 1177 00:44:56,767 --> 00:44:58,927 "SUCH A FUN, FUN NIGHT." 1178 00:44:58,933 --> 00:45:00,903 "LOOK, I'M GONNA GO TO THE BATHROOM 1179 00:45:00,900 --> 00:45:03,100 AND TAKE OUT 60% OF MY HAIR." 1180 00:45:03,100 --> 00:45:05,300 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 1181 00:45:07,433 --> 00:45:09,333 "AND WHEN I COME BACK, WE NEED TO TALK 1182 00:45:09,333 --> 00:45:12,203 ABOUT YOU BEING MORE HONEST WITH ME." 1183 00:45:12,200 --> 00:45:14,230 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 1184 00:45:16,500 --> 00:45:18,200 CHICKEN CUTLET, CHICKEN CUTLET. 1185 00:45:18,200 --> 00:45:20,530 NOW... 1186 00:45:20,533 --> 00:45:22,833 [ LAUGHTER ] 1187 00:45:24,600 --> 00:45:27,800 YEAH, SO, FELLAS, YOU KNOW, WE GOT TO EMPATHIZE. 1188 00:45:27,800 --> 00:45:29,930 EMPATHIZE WITH YOUR GIRL. TELL HER SHE'S CUTE. 1189 00:45:29,933 --> 00:45:32,303 SHE'LL BE LIKE, "OH, I WASN'T EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT." 1190 00:45:32,300 --> 00:45:34,170 SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT IT. DON'T EVEN... 1191 00:45:34,167 --> 00:45:35,597 [ Singsong voice ] "SELFIE!" 1192 00:45:35,600 --> 00:45:37,400 [ LAUGHTER ] 1193 00:45:37,400 --> 00:45:39,070 [ CHUCKLES ] 1194 00:45:39,067 --> 00:45:40,427 [ Normal voice ] AND THEN, LADIES, 1195 00:45:40,433 --> 00:45:42,103 WE NEED EMPATHY IN A WHOLE NOTHER DIRECTION 1196 00:45:42,100 --> 00:45:44,070 'CAUSE I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND 1197 00:45:44,067 --> 00:45:45,397 WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A DUDE. 1198 00:45:45,400 --> 00:45:47,470 'CAUSE I HAD A GIRL RECENTLY ASK ME -- 1199 00:45:47,467 --> 00:45:48,827 SHE GOES, "WHAT'S YOUR TYPE?" 1200 00:45:48,833 --> 00:45:50,803 I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T REALLY HAVE A TYPE," 1201 00:45:50,800 --> 00:45:52,100 AND SHE GOES, "WHY NOT?" 1202 00:45:52,100 --> 00:45:54,070 AND I GO, "UM, 'CAUSE I NEVER GET TO PICK." 1203 00:45:54,067 --> 00:45:56,297 [ LAUGHTER ] 1204 00:45:58,167 --> 00:45:59,827 IT'S NEVER UP TO THE GUY. 1205 00:45:59,833 --> 00:46:02,573 IT'S UP TO THE GIRL. GIRLS ARE THE BUYERS. 1206 00:46:02,567 --> 00:46:05,127 MEN ARE THE SELLERS. 1207 00:46:05,133 --> 00:46:08,603 BASICALLY, ME AND EVERY GUY IN HERE ARE PRETTY MUCH... 1208 00:46:08,600 --> 00:46:11,530 DICK SALESMEN. 1209 00:46:11,533 --> 00:46:13,803 [ LAUGHTER ] 1210 00:46:13,800 --> 00:46:15,400 [ APPLAUSE ] 1211 00:46:18,333 --> 00:46:19,903 IN FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT? 1212 00:46:19,900 --> 00:46:22,330 I'M A USED DICK SALESMAN. 1213 00:46:22,333 --> 00:46:24,733 [ GRUNTING ] 1214 00:46:27,833 --> 00:46:29,473 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 1215 00:46:29,467 --> 00:46:31,067 NO PAYMENTS TILL JUNE. 1216 00:46:31,067 --> 00:46:33,197 [ GRUNTS ] 1217 00:46:33,200 --> 00:46:34,630 [ LAUGHTER ] 1218 00:46:36,600 --> 00:46:37,830 LOW MILES. 1219 00:46:37,833 --> 00:46:39,473 [ LAUGHTER ] 1220 00:46:39,467 --> 00:46:41,267 LEAKS A LITTLE BIT IN THE SUMMER. 1221 00:46:41,267 --> 00:46:42,827 [ GRUNTS ] 1222 00:46:42,833 --> 00:46:44,733 [ LAUGHTER ] 1223 00:46:46,500 --> 00:46:49,900 I JUST GOT TURNED DOWN BY 3 WOMEN IN LIKE 10 SECONDS. 1224 00:46:49,900 --> 00:46:53,200 AS A GUY, IT'S ABOUT AVERAGE. 1225 00:46:53,200 --> 00:46:54,870 [ LAUGHTER ] 1226 00:46:54,867 --> 00:46:59,227 BASICALLY, A GUY'S ENTIRE LIFE IS JUST LIKE [GRUNTING] 1227 00:46:59,233 --> 00:47:02,173 [ LAUGHTER ] 1228 00:47:04,633 --> 00:47:06,073 AND THEN WE DIE. 1229 00:47:06,067 --> 00:47:07,927 THAT'S WHAT OUR LIFE IS. 1230 00:47:07,933 --> 00:47:10,073 A PARTY IS, BASICALLY, A GUY'S LIKE [GRUNTS] 1231 00:47:10,067 --> 00:47:11,797 AND A GIRL'S LIKE, "I'M FREEZING!" 1232 00:47:11,800 --> 00:47:12,830 [ GRUNTS ] 1233 00:47:12,833 --> 00:47:13,973 [ MOANS ] 1234 00:47:13,967 --> 00:47:14,967 [ GRUNTS ] 1235 00:47:14,967 --> 00:47:16,197 [ MOANS ] 1236 00:47:16,200 --> 00:47:17,730 [ GRUNTS ] 1237 00:47:17,733 --> 00:47:19,433 [ LAUGHTER ] 1238 00:47:19,433 --> 00:47:23,133 [ CHUCKLES ] 1239 00:47:23,133 --> 00:47:25,133 [ LAUGHS ] 1240 00:47:25,133 --> 00:47:27,903 [ GRUNTING ] 1241 00:47:27,900 --> 00:47:29,700 [ LAUGHTER ] 1242 00:47:29,700 --> 00:47:31,570 YEAH, GUYS GET REJECTED CONSTANTLY. 1243 00:47:31,567 --> 00:47:33,327 THAT'S THE THING. LIKE... 1244 00:47:33,333 --> 00:47:36,073 IT'S WHY WE CAN'T HAVE FEELINGS. 1245 00:47:36,067 --> 00:47:37,797 [ LAUGHTER ] 1246 00:47:37,800 --> 00:47:39,570 IT'S TOO MUCH -- TOO MUCH DICK TO SELL. 1247 00:47:39,567 --> 00:47:41,167 [ LAUGHTER ] 1248 00:47:45,700 --> 00:47:46,970 [ CHUCKLES ] 1249 00:47:46,967 --> 00:47:49,097 WOMEN HAVE FEELINGS, 1250 00:47:49,100 --> 00:47:51,430 WHICH IS WHY YOU DON'T HANDLE REJECTION WELL. 1251 00:47:51,433 --> 00:47:53,973 WOMEN WILL HIT ON A GUY LIKE ONCE EVERY TWO YEARS. 1252 00:47:53,967 --> 00:47:56,067 AND IF IT DOESN'T GO YOUR WAY, YOU GET FURIOUS IMMEDIATELY. 1253 00:47:56,067 --> 00:47:57,867 YOU'LL BE LIKE, "HEY, I KIND OF THINK YOU'RE CUTE," 1254 00:47:57,867 --> 00:47:59,767 AND THE GUY WILL BE, "I'M GONNA STAY WITH MY FRIENDS." 1255 00:47:59,767 --> 00:48:02,627 "YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE. YOU KNOW THAT?" 1256 00:48:02,633 --> 00:48:04,733 [ LAUGHTER ] 1257 00:48:04,733 --> 00:48:07,373 IT'S -- LADIES, 'CAUSE YOU DON'T [SIGHS] YOU DON'T LIVE -- 1258 00:48:07,367 --> 00:48:08,727 THIS IS WHERE WE NEED EMPATHY. 1259 00:48:08,733 --> 00:48:12,273 YOU DON'T LIVE IN THE SEXUAL TYRANNY 1260 00:48:12,267 --> 00:48:14,767 THAT MEN LIVE UNDER JUST CONSTANTLY. 1261 00:48:14,767 --> 00:48:16,427 [ GROWLING ] 1262 00:48:16,433 --> 00:48:18,673 [ LAUGHTER ] 1263 00:48:21,333 --> 00:48:24,703 MEN GET ERECTIONS IN OUR SLEEP. 1264 00:48:24,700 --> 00:48:26,470 [ LAUGHTER ] 1265 00:48:26,467 --> 00:48:27,897 DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? 1266 00:48:27,900 --> 00:48:30,070 BASICALLY, OUR BRAIN'S ARE LIKE, "I'M GONNA GO TO BED," 1267 00:48:30,067 --> 00:48:31,627 AND OUR DICKS ARE LIKE "FUCK THAT, BRO. 1268 00:48:31,633 --> 00:48:33,373 I'M STAYING UP." 1269 00:48:33,367 --> 00:48:35,127 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 1270 00:48:35,133 --> 00:48:37,233 [ CHUCKLES ] 1271 00:48:37,233 --> 00:48:39,673 BRO, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN HERE 1272 00:48:39,667 --> 00:48:43,367 ALONE IN YOUR LOCKED HOUSE AT 3:45 IN THE MORNING. 1273 00:48:43,367 --> 00:48:46,167 A GIRL COULD JUST COME BUSTING THROUGH THE WALL, 1274 00:48:46,167 --> 00:48:47,427 KOOL-AID-MAN STYLE... 1275 00:48:47,433 --> 00:48:48,833 [ LAUGHTER ] 1276 00:48:48,833 --> 00:48:50,273 [ CHUCKLES ] 1277 00:48:50,267 --> 00:48:51,567 ...DEMANDING SOME SEX. 1278 00:48:51,567 --> 00:48:54,197 I, FOR ONE, AM GONNA BE AWAKE WHEN IT HAPPENS. 1279 00:48:54,200 --> 00:48:56,170 [ LAUGHTER ] 1280 00:49:00,767 --> 00:49:02,497 [ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ] 1281 00:49:02,500 --> 00:49:04,130 UH, I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING. 1282 00:49:04,133 --> 00:49:05,433 [ GRUNTS ] 1283 00:49:05,433 --> 00:49:09,233 [ LAUGHTER ] 1284 00:49:09,233 --> 00:49:12,373 YEAH, IT'S HARD BEING A DUDE. 1285 00:49:12,367 --> 00:49:13,527 I DON'T THINK -- LIKE, I'LL -- 1286 00:49:13,533 --> 00:49:14,973 SOMETIMES I'LL HAVE A GIRL WITH ME, 1287 00:49:14,967 --> 00:49:16,397 AND OTHER GIRLS WILL COME UP TO ME 1288 00:49:16,400 --> 00:49:17,630 AND BE LIKE, "YOU KNOW, 1289 00:49:17,633 --> 00:49:19,203 YOU COULD DO SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT." 1290 00:49:19,200 --> 00:49:21,130 AND IT'S LIKE, "OH, I KNOW, BUT I CAN'T TAKE THAT CHANCE." 1291 00:49:21,133 --> 00:49:23,103 [ LAUGHTER ] 1292 00:49:23,100 --> 00:49:24,730 [ CHUCKLES ] 1293 00:49:24,733 --> 00:49:27,073 AND GUYS WILL BE HATEFUL IN A DIFFERENT WAY, 1294 00:49:27,067 --> 00:49:29,227 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE FELLOW SALESMEN. 1295 00:49:29,233 --> 00:49:30,833 [ LAUGHTER ] 1296 00:49:30,833 --> 00:49:32,273 SO IF I HAVE A GOOD-LOOKING GIRL WITH ME, 1297 00:49:32,267 --> 00:49:33,767 THEY'LL BE LIKE, "DUDE, YOU KNOW THAT GIRL'S ONLY WITH YOU 1298 00:49:33,767 --> 00:49:34,867 'CAUSE OF YOUR CAREER, RIGHT?" 1299 00:49:34,867 --> 00:49:36,097 AND I'LL BE LIKE, "UM, 1300 00:49:36,100 --> 00:49:37,870 YEAH, OF COURSE I KNOW THAT." 1301 00:49:37,867 --> 00:49:39,427 [ LAUGHTER ] 1302 00:49:39,433 --> 00:49:41,173 "WHY DO YOU THINK I HAVE A CAREER?" 1303 00:49:41,167 --> 00:49:42,597 [ LAUGHTER ] 1304 00:49:42,600 --> 00:49:44,930 YOU THINK I'M GONNA RELY ON MY BODY TO GET WOMEN? 1305 00:49:44,933 --> 00:49:47,433 NO. MY 18th BIRTHDAY, I STOOD NAKED IN THE MIRROR, 1306 00:49:47,433 --> 00:49:49,973 AND I WAS LIKE, "YOU BETTER WRITE SOME JOKES." 1307 00:49:49,967 --> 00:49:53,727 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 1308 00:49:55,867 --> 00:49:58,067 YEAH, IT'S ALSO EXHAUSTING BEING A GUY. 1309 00:49:58,067 --> 00:49:59,897 A GIRL SAID RECENTLY -- SHE GOES, 1310 00:49:59,900 --> 00:50:01,970 "I'M SO SICK OF GUYS HITTING ON ME." 1311 00:50:01,967 --> 00:50:04,427 GREAT, I'M SO SICK OF HITTING ON YOU. 1312 00:50:04,433 --> 00:50:05,673 [ LAUGHTER ] 1313 00:50:05,667 --> 00:50:07,067 IT'S BORING. IT'S SO -- 1314 00:50:07,067 --> 00:50:09,467 YOU DON'T THINK I HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING? 1315 00:50:09,467 --> 00:50:12,327 I KNOW IT'S TERRIBLE. I'M THERE. 1316 00:50:12,333 --> 00:50:14,273 IT'S ALSO SO TIME-CONSUMING. 1317 00:50:14,267 --> 00:50:18,267 LIKE, I JUST WANT TO, LIKE, RUN INTO THE STORE AND RUN OUT. 1318 00:50:18,267 --> 00:50:20,127 NEXT THING I KNOW, I'M STUCK IN THE PARKING LOT, 1319 00:50:20,133 --> 00:50:21,633 LIKE, "HEY, MISS, I LOVE YOUR BLOUSE. 1320 00:50:21,633 --> 00:50:22,773 "WHERE'D YOU GET IT? 1321 00:50:22,767 --> 00:50:23,897 "I PERSONALLY DON'T GIVE A SHIT, 1322 00:50:23,900 --> 00:50:25,530 BUT MY DICK WANTED ME TO ASK." 1323 00:50:25,533 --> 00:50:27,003 [ LAUGHTER ] 1324 00:50:29,900 --> 00:50:33,670 "ALSO, HE WANTED ME TO SAY [GRUNTS]" 1325 00:50:33,667 --> 00:50:36,767 [ LAUGHTER ] 1326 00:50:36,767 --> 00:50:38,927 [ APPLAUSE ] 1327 00:50:38,933 --> 00:50:41,403 [ LAUGHS ] 1328 00:50:41,400 --> 00:50:43,200 BE GAY! 1329 00:50:43,200 --> 00:50:44,730 THEY TELL ME. 1330 00:50:44,733 --> 00:50:47,003 [ LAUGHTER ] 1331 00:50:47,000 --> 00:50:48,670 [ LAUGHS ] 1332 00:50:48,667 --> 00:50:50,097 I'D LOVE TO BE GAY! 1333 00:50:50,100 --> 00:50:52,570 SEXUALLY, THEY KNOW HOW TO TREAT A GUY OVER THERE. 1334 00:50:52,567 --> 00:50:56,127 A GAY CLUB IS BASICALLY ONE GROUP OF GUYS LIKE [GRUNTS] 1335 00:50:56,133 --> 00:50:58,333 THEN ANOTHER GROUP OF GUYS LIKE [GRUNTING] 1336 00:50:58,333 --> 00:51:01,173 [ LAUGHTER ] 1337 00:51:01,167 --> 00:51:03,167 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1338 00:51:05,867 --> 00:51:07,497 [ LAUGHTER ] 1339 00:51:07,500 --> 00:51:09,270 [ LAUGHS ] 1340 00:51:09,267 --> 00:51:11,427 [ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ] 1341 00:51:11,433 --> 00:51:12,933 [ LAUGHTER ] 1342 00:51:12,933 --> 00:51:14,403 [ CHUCKLES ] 1343 00:51:14,400 --> 00:51:17,730 LIKE, GENDER-WISE, THERE ARE MASSIVE DIFFERENCES 1344 00:51:17,733 --> 00:51:19,633 WHEN IT COMES TO SEX. 1345 00:51:19,633 --> 00:51:22,373 THAT'S WHY WOMEN DATE GUYS -- IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE EMOTIONAL 1346 00:51:22,367 --> 00:51:25,167 THAT YOU CAN DATE GUYS THAT ARE LOCKED UP OF IN THE MILITARY. 1347 00:51:25,167 --> 00:51:28,067 FIRST OF ALL, I THINK YOU LIKE DATING GATES THAT ARE LOCKED UP, 1348 00:51:28,067 --> 00:51:29,867 'CAUSE YOU LIKE KNOWING WHERE HE IS. 1349 00:51:29,867 --> 00:51:32,497 [ LAUGHTER ] 1350 00:51:32,500 --> 00:51:33,830 [ CHUCKLES ] 1351 00:51:33,833 --> 00:51:35,733 WHERE YOU BE LIKE, "HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME, 1352 00:51:35,733 --> 00:51:37,073 BUT THE STATE WON'T LET HIM." 1353 00:51:37,067 --> 00:51:38,597 [ LAUGHTER ] 1354 00:51:38,600 --> 00:51:40,170 AND, FELLAS, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. 1355 00:51:40,167 --> 00:51:41,497 "LOCKED UP? WELL, WHAT ABOUT SEX?" 1356 00:51:41,500 --> 00:51:42,830 THEY DON'T NEED US FOR SEX, DUMMY. 1357 00:51:42,833 --> 00:51:44,433 YOU THINK YOU CAN PLEASE YOUR WOMAN 1358 00:51:44,433 --> 00:51:46,703 MORE THAN SHE CAN PLEASE HERSELF TO THE IDEA OF YOU? 1359 00:51:46,700 --> 00:51:48,630 YOU KNOW HOW MUCH HOTTER YOU ARE IN HER HEAD 1360 00:51:48,633 --> 00:51:50,403 THAN YOU ARE IN REAL LIFE? [ LAUGHTER ] 1361 00:51:50,400 --> 00:51:52,470 YOU KNOW, YOU'LL LOOK AT YOUR GIRL, 1362 00:51:52,467 --> 00:51:53,567 AND BE LIKE, "WHY IS SHE DATING?" 1363 00:51:53,567 --> 00:51:54,867 SHE'S NOT DATING. 1364 00:51:54,867 --> 00:51:57,397 SHE'S DATING A WAY HOTTER YOU IN HER HEAD. 1365 00:51:57,400 --> 00:51:59,700 [ LAUGHTER ] 1366 00:51:59,700 --> 00:52:01,900 ALSO, A WOMAN'S SEXUAL-FANTASY WORLD IS BANANAS. 1367 00:52:01,900 --> 00:52:03,630 EVERY TIME A WOMAN PLEASURES HERSELF, 1368 00:52:03,633 --> 00:52:05,133 SHE MAKES 1369 00:52:05,133 --> 00:52:08,803 LIKE A HUNDRED-MILLION-DOLLAR EPIC MOVIE IN HER HEAD. 1370 00:52:08,800 --> 00:52:12,570 DOZENS OF HORSES AND CARRIAGES, IT'S THUNDERSTORMING, 1371 00:52:12,567 --> 00:52:15,267 THOUSANDS OF EXTRAS IN PERIOD GARB. 1372 00:52:15,267 --> 00:52:17,497 [ LAUGHTER ] 1373 00:52:17,500 --> 00:52:20,670 THAT'S WHY GUYS, WE GOT BAD SEXUAL IMAGINATIONS, 1374 00:52:20,667 --> 00:52:23,627 WHICH IS WHY, LIKE, WE NEED A WOMAN OR PORN. 1375 00:52:23,633 --> 00:52:26,373 'CAUSE IF WE DON'T HAVE A WOMAN OR PORN, 1376 00:52:26,367 --> 00:52:29,667 WE'RE FUCKED. [ LAUGHTER ] 1377 00:52:29,667 --> 00:52:32,127 'CAUSE ALL WE CAN COME UP WITH ON OUR OWN 1378 00:52:32,133 --> 00:52:33,933 IS, LIKE, A PERSON AND A PLACE. 1379 00:52:33,933 --> 00:52:35,773 [ LAUGHTER ] 1380 00:52:35,767 --> 00:52:38,197 SO THEY'RE LIKE, "I'M GONNA HAVE SEX WITH ANGELINA JOLIE 1381 00:52:38,200 --> 00:52:40,470 IN MY BASEMENT. [ GRUNTING ]" 1382 00:52:40,467 --> 00:52:42,667 [ LAUGHTER ] 1383 00:52:46,400 --> 00:52:48,530 SO, A GIRL ASKED ME -- SHE'S GOES, "WHY, WHEN GUYS JERK OFF, 1384 00:52:48,533 --> 00:52:49,933 "DO THEY ALWAYS BEND OVER LIKE THAT? 1385 00:52:49,933 --> 00:52:51,333 IT'S SO CREEPY." 1386 00:52:51,333 --> 00:52:53,273 I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT NEARLY AS CREEPY 1387 00:52:53,267 --> 00:52:54,927 AS NOT BENDING OVER AND JERKING OFF." 1388 00:52:54,933 --> 00:52:57,103 [ LAUGHTER ] 1389 00:53:03,600 --> 00:53:05,700 THIS IS, LIKE, SOME NAZI SHIT, RIGHT HERE, LIKE... 1390 00:53:05,700 --> 00:53:07,630 [ LAUGHTER ] 1391 00:53:07,633 --> 00:53:10,073 "WHAT HAVE WE HERE? [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]" 1392 00:53:10,067 --> 00:53:13,167 [ LAUGHTER ] 1393 00:53:13,167 --> 00:53:16,097 [ CHUCKLES ] 1394 00:53:16,100 --> 00:53:20,070 SO, LADIES, UM, 1395 00:53:20,067 --> 00:53:21,927 SIZE? DOES SIZE MATTER? 1396 00:53:21,933 --> 00:53:23,773 [ CROWD CHEERS ] YEAH? 1397 00:53:23,767 --> 00:53:26,097 [ GRUNTS ] 1398 00:53:26,100 --> 00:53:29,370 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1399 00:53:29,367 --> 00:53:32,167 LADIES, I ALWAYS HEARD IT'S NOT HOW BIG YOU ARE. 1400 00:53:32,167 --> 00:53:34,197 I HEAR IT'S WHAT YOU DO WITH IT. 1401 00:53:34,200 --> 00:53:36,400 SO WHAT I THOUGHT I WOULD DO TONIGHT 1402 00:53:36,400 --> 00:53:38,570 IS GIVE YOU LADIES A BRIEF SYNOPSIS 1403 00:53:38,567 --> 00:53:39,867 OF WHAT I DO WITH IT. 1404 00:53:39,867 --> 00:53:41,967 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1405 00:53:44,133 --> 00:53:46,073 YEAH. 1406 00:53:46,067 --> 00:53:47,497 WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SUGAR? 1407 00:53:47,500 --> 00:53:48,900 -Amy: AMY. -Brennan: AMY? 1408 00:53:48,900 --> 00:53:50,270 -Amy: AMY. -Brennan: AMY. 1409 00:53:50,267 --> 00:53:52,397 WHAT A BEAUTIFUL, EXOTIC NAME. [ CHUCKLES ] 1410 00:53:52,400 --> 00:53:54,530 [ LAUGHTER ] 1411 00:53:56,667 --> 00:53:59,067 AMY, HERE'S A BRIEF SYNOPSIS OF WHAT I DO WITH IT. 1412 00:53:59,067 --> 00:54:02,827 AMY, FIRST, I WILL GET IT ERECT. 1413 00:54:02,833 --> 00:54:04,203 [ LAUGHTER ] 1414 00:54:04,200 --> 00:54:07,130 THEN, AMY, I WILL STICK IT IN YOUR VAGINA. 1415 00:54:07,133 --> 00:54:09,133 [ LAUGHTER ] 1416 00:54:09,133 --> 00:54:11,173 THE END. 1417 00:54:11,167 --> 00:54:13,327 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 1418 00:54:15,500 --> 00:54:19,670 AND THAT, LADIES, IS HOW I WORK MAG ON YOUR VAG. 1419 00:54:19,667 --> 00:54:21,667 [ LAUGHTER ] 1420 00:54:21,667 --> 00:54:23,897 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1421 00:54:28,500 --> 00:54:31,200 GUYS ARE FUNNY ABOUT SEX, 1422 00:54:31,200 --> 00:54:33,530 'CAUSE WE ACT LIKE WE DON'T CARE ABOUT GIVING GIRLS ORGASMS, 1423 00:54:33,533 --> 00:54:35,073 BUT WE DO CARE, 1424 00:54:35,067 --> 00:54:36,897 AND YOU CAN TELL THAT GUYS CARE BY OUR SEX STORIES. 1425 00:54:36,900 --> 00:54:38,430 DO YOU EVER HEAR A GUY'S SEX STORIES? 1426 00:54:38,433 --> 00:54:40,433 THEY'RE ALL EXAGGERATED, BLOWN OUT OF PROPORTION. 1427 00:54:40,433 --> 00:54:41,873 EVEN THE WORDS ARE EXAGGERATED. 1428 00:54:41,867 --> 00:54:43,397 I SAW MY BUDDY MIKE TODAY. 1429 00:54:43,400 --> 00:54:45,970 HE GOES, "YEAH, DUDE, I WAS WITH THIS GIRL LAST NIGHT, RIGHT? 1430 00:54:45,967 --> 00:54:47,867 SO I WHIPPED IT OUT." 1431 00:54:47,867 --> 00:54:50,227 [ LAUGHTER ] 1432 00:54:52,400 --> 00:54:54,500 "YEAH, MIKE, DID YOU WHIP IT OUT? 1433 00:54:54,500 --> 00:54:56,770 YOU WHIPPED IT OUT, HUH?" 1434 00:54:56,767 --> 00:54:58,267 NO, "WHIP" IS THE RIGHT WORD 1435 00:54:58,267 --> 00:55:00,267 WHEN A PENIS IS 7 1/2 FEET LONG... 1436 00:55:00,267 --> 00:55:01,597 [ LAUGHTER ] 1437 00:55:01,600 --> 00:55:04,770 ...AND IT'S GOT A WOODEN HANDLE AT THE BASE. 1438 00:55:04,767 --> 00:55:08,527 AND EVERY TIME I TAKE IT OUT, I DO SAY, "HYAH!" 1439 00:55:08,533 --> 00:55:10,773 [ LAUGHTER ] 1440 00:55:10,767 --> 00:55:12,067 [ APPLAUSE ] 1441 00:55:12,067 --> 00:55:13,827 Wshoo! Wshoo! 1442 00:55:13,833 --> 00:55:17,403 [ LAUGHTER ] 1443 00:55:17,400 --> 00:55:18,830 "WHIP" MAKES ME LAUGH. 1444 00:55:18,833 --> 00:55:20,933 THE OTHER PHRASE THE GUYS USE THAT MAKES ME LAUGH 1445 00:55:20,933 --> 00:55:23,633 IS, "YEAH, THEN I BLEW MY LOAD." 1446 00:55:23,633 --> 00:55:25,203 [ LAUGHTER ] 1447 00:55:25,200 --> 00:55:26,770 DID YOU BLOW YOUR LOAD, 1448 00:55:26,767 --> 00:55:28,697 OR DID A QUARTER-OUNCE OF GOO COME DRIBBLING OUT OF YOUR DICK? 1449 00:55:28,700 --> 00:55:30,300 [ LAUGHTER ] 1450 00:55:30,300 --> 00:55:31,870 DID IT GO "POW!" 1451 00:55:31,867 --> 00:55:33,727 OR DID IT GO... * BOO-BOO? * 1452 00:55:33,733 --> 00:55:36,073 [ LAUGHTER ] 1453 00:55:36,067 --> 00:55:37,427 I THINK I KNOW. 1454 00:55:37,433 --> 00:55:39,403 I THINK IT WENT * BOO-BOO * 1455 00:55:39,400 --> 00:55:41,070 "YEAH, I BLEW MY LOAD. 1456 00:55:41,067 --> 00:55:43,767 "THEN, THERE WAS, LIKE, AN EXPLOSION 1457 00:55:43,767 --> 00:55:45,527 AND, LIKE, A ROCKSLIDE." 1458 00:55:45,533 --> 00:55:46,873 [ LAUGHTER ] 1459 00:55:46,867 --> 00:55:49,527 A LOT OF GUYS DIED DOWN HERE IN THE VALLEY. 1460 00:55:49,533 --> 00:55:51,873 [ LAUGHTER ] 1461 00:55:51,867 --> 00:55:54,367 THEY HAD TO SHUT DOWN THE INTERSTATE. 1462 00:55:54,367 --> 00:55:57,497 THE SHERIFF SAID HE'S NEVER SEEN CARNAGE QUITE LIKE THAT BEFORE. 1463 00:55:57,500 --> 00:55:59,470 [ LAUGHTER ] 1464 00:55:59,467 --> 00:56:01,967 THEY'RE GONNA DO A BENEFIT CONCERT. 1465 00:56:01,967 --> 00:56:03,497 [ LAUGHTER ] 1466 00:56:03,500 --> 00:56:05,230 JOHN MAYER IS SCHEDULED TO PLAY. 1467 00:56:05,233 --> 00:56:06,533 [ LAUGHTER ] 1468 00:56:06,533 --> 00:56:08,433 LISTEN TO ME, LADIES. 1469 00:56:08,433 --> 00:56:10,203 IF YOU'RE GONNA FAKE AN ORGASM... 1470 00:56:10,200 --> 00:56:12,570 YOU GOT TO SELL IT. 1471 00:56:12,567 --> 00:56:14,597 [ LAUGHTER ] 1472 00:56:14,600 --> 00:56:16,470 SERIOUSLY, YOU GOT TO SELL IT, 1473 00:56:16,467 --> 00:56:20,067 'CAUSE I WAS WITH A GIRL RECENTLY WHO WAS CLEARLY FAKING. 1474 00:56:20,067 --> 00:56:23,067 PUT ABSOLUTELY NO EFFORT INTO IT. 1475 00:56:23,067 --> 00:56:24,367 [ LAUGHTER ] 1476 00:56:24,367 --> 00:56:27,427 YEAH, SHE JUST WENT, "AH, ORGASM." 1477 00:56:27,433 --> 00:56:29,073 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 1478 00:56:36,333 --> 00:56:39,373 "REALLY, DON'T WANT TO SHAKE YOUR LEG OR ANYTHING, NO?" 1479 00:56:39,367 --> 00:56:40,797 [ LAUGHTER ] 1480 00:56:40,800 --> 00:56:43,430 "WHAT AM I PAYING YOU FOR?" 1481 00:56:43,433 --> 00:56:45,473 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 1482 00:56:45,467 --> 00:56:47,567 [ MOUTHING WORDS ] 1483 00:56:51,167 --> 00:56:53,067 [ LAUGHS ] 1484 00:56:53,067 --> 00:56:55,367 WHAT KIND OF GIRLS DO I LIKE TO SLEEP WITH? 1485 00:56:55,367 --> 00:56:56,497 GREAT QUESTION, GUYS. 1486 00:56:56,500 --> 00:56:57,670 THANKS FOR ASKING. 1487 00:56:57,667 --> 00:56:59,467 UM... I DON'T LIKE THEM TOO YOUNG. 1488 00:56:59,467 --> 00:57:00,897 I DON'T LIKE THEM TOO OLD. 1489 00:57:00,900 --> 00:57:02,270 TOO YOUNG -- 18, 19, 20 -- GIRLS THAT AGE 1490 00:57:02,267 --> 00:57:03,667 DON'T REALLY KNOW THEIR BODIES THAT WELL, 1491 00:57:03,667 --> 00:57:05,267 SO THEY'RE TRYING TO ACT LIKE THEY'RE HAVING FUN, 1492 00:57:05,267 --> 00:57:06,897 BUT YOU KIND OF TELL BY THE NOISES THEY'RE MAKING, 1493 00:57:06,900 --> 00:57:07,900 THEY'RE NOT. 1494 00:57:07,900 --> 00:57:09,070 THEY'RE LIKE, "YEAH!" 1495 00:57:09,067 --> 00:57:10,227 YOU'RE LIKE, "THAT'S NOT CONVINCING." 1496 00:57:10,233 --> 00:57:11,573 [ LAUGHTER ] 1497 00:57:11,567 --> 00:57:13,967 AND THEN GIRLS IN THEIR LATE 30s, EARLY 40s, 1498 00:57:13,967 --> 00:57:16,427 YOU KNOW YOUR BODIES TOO WELL. 1499 00:57:16,433 --> 00:57:19,233 SO IT'S BASICALLY LIKE WE'RE JUST... 1500 00:57:19,233 --> 00:57:21,533 WORKING FOR YOU. 1501 00:57:21,533 --> 00:57:23,373 [ LAUGHTER ] 1502 00:57:23,367 --> 00:57:24,927 WHERE YOU'RE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, YOUNG MAN, 1503 00:57:24,933 --> 00:57:26,373 "GO AHEAD AND HOP ON THERE REAL QUICK. 1504 00:57:26,367 --> 00:57:28,297 "WHY DON'T YOU START ME OFF WITH 15 OR 16 GOOD PUMPS? 1505 00:57:28,300 --> 00:57:29,630 LET ME SEE WHAT I'M DEALING WITH?" 1506 00:57:29,633 --> 00:57:32,233 [ LAUGHTER ] 1507 00:57:32,233 --> 00:57:33,773 "THAT'S FINE. 1508 00:57:33,767 --> 00:57:37,327 LOOK, I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR RIGHT HAND, PUT IT ON MY LEFT BREAST." 1509 00:57:37,333 --> 00:57:38,573 [ LAUGHTER ] 1510 00:57:38,567 --> 00:57:41,297 "YOUNG MAN, GO AHEAD AND KISS MY NECK. 1511 00:57:41,300 --> 00:57:45,130 "AND KISS IT AGAIN. AND PULL MY HAIR. 1512 00:57:45,133 --> 00:57:48,533 I JUST CAME TWICE. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE." 1513 00:57:48,533 --> 00:57:50,073 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 1514 00:57:55,167 --> 00:57:57,567 [ LAUGHS ] 1515 00:57:57,567 --> 00:57:59,097 [ LAUGHTER ] 1516 00:57:59,100 --> 00:58:02,630 69-ING. 1517 00:58:02,633 --> 00:58:05,733 [ LAUGHTER ] 1518 00:58:05,733 --> 00:58:08,273 THESE LADIES UP FRONT HAVE BEEN GIVING ME A VIBE ALL NIGHT, 1519 00:58:08,267 --> 00:58:09,497 WHICH IS, "NEAL..." 1520 00:58:09,500 --> 00:58:10,700 [ LAUGHTER ] 1521 00:58:10,700 --> 00:58:12,500 "NEAL, ARE YOU GONNA TALK ABOUT IT?" 1522 00:58:12,500 --> 00:58:14,930 YEAH, I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT 69-ING. 1523 00:58:14,933 --> 00:58:16,303 [ LAUGHTER ] 1524 00:58:16,300 --> 00:58:17,770 DO PEOPLE STILL 69, 1525 00:58:17,767 --> 00:58:20,497 OR IS THAT SHIT LIKE ROLLERBLADING, 1526 00:58:20,500 --> 00:58:21,800 WHERE IT'S KIND OF NOT... 1527 00:58:21,800 --> 00:58:23,170 [ LAUGHTER ] 1528 00:58:23,167 --> 00:58:26,067 [ LAUGHS ] 1529 00:58:26,067 --> 00:58:28,627 I WOULD DO IT MORE OFTEN. IT'S JUST TOO HARD. 1530 00:58:28,633 --> 00:58:32,933 69 TAKES SO MUCH FOCUS, CONCENTRATION. 1531 00:58:32,933 --> 00:58:35,073 YOU'RE, LIKE, GIVING AND RECEIVING. 1532 00:58:35,067 --> 00:58:38,927 YOU'RE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE. 1533 00:58:38,933 --> 00:58:41,373 69-ING IS LIKE THIS SHIT. LIKE... 1534 00:58:41,367 --> 00:58:45,627 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 1535 00:58:50,933 --> 00:58:53,773 [ LAUGHS ] 1536 00:58:53,767 --> 00:58:58,197 I THINK ABOUT 69-ING A LOT. 1537 00:58:58,200 --> 00:59:00,500 [ LAUGHTER ] 1538 00:59:00,500 --> 00:59:02,100 MAYBE TOO MUCH. 1539 00:59:02,100 --> 00:59:03,470 HERE'S WHAT I'VE COME TO. 1540 00:59:03,467 --> 00:59:07,167 ALL RIGHT, THE PEOPLE WHO INVENTED 69-ING... 1541 00:59:07,167 --> 00:59:09,197 WERE THEY IN A HURRY? 1542 00:59:09,200 --> 00:59:11,200 [ LAUGHTER ] 1543 00:59:11,200 --> 00:59:12,430 DO YOU FOLLOW ME? 1544 00:59:12,433 --> 00:59:14,333 LIKE, "WE'RE LATE FOR THE THEATER, 1545 00:59:14,333 --> 00:59:16,273 BUT WE BOTH REALLY NEED SOME HEAD." 1546 00:59:16,267 --> 00:59:18,367 [ LAUGHTER ] 1547 00:59:18,367 --> 00:59:20,627 "I THINK I HAVE A PLAN. TO THE BATCAVE!" 1548 00:59:20,633 --> 00:59:22,073 [ IMITATES CHORD ] 1549 00:59:22,067 --> 00:59:23,367 [ LAUGHTER ] 1550 00:59:23,367 --> 00:59:28,397 OR [SIGHS] WAS 69-ING INVENTED... 1551 00:59:28,400 --> 00:59:31,430 BY AN OLD WHITE-TRASH COUPLE... 1552 00:59:31,433 --> 00:59:33,173 [ LAUGHTER ] 1553 00:59:33,167 --> 00:59:34,367 [ LAUGHS ] 1554 00:59:34,367 --> 00:59:37,267 ...WHO NO LONGER TRUSTED EACH OTHER? 1555 00:59:37,267 --> 00:59:39,167 [ LAUGHTER ] 1556 00:59:39,167 --> 00:59:40,897 [ LAUGHS ] 1557 00:59:40,900 --> 00:59:42,400 YOU FOLLOW ME? 1558 00:59:42,400 --> 00:59:44,970 LIKE, "EVERY TIME I GO DOWN ON YOU, 1559 00:59:44,967 --> 00:59:46,967 YOU HAVE AN ORGASM AND PASS OUT." 1560 00:59:46,967 --> 00:59:50,797 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 1561 00:59:50,800 --> 00:59:53,070 "SO GUESS WHAT, YOU SON OF A BITCH? 1562 00:59:53,067 --> 00:59:56,127 TONIGHT, WE'RE DOING IT AT THE SAME TIME." 1563 00:59:56,133 --> 00:59:58,773 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 1564 00:59:58,767 --> 01:00:02,297 "ON MY COMMAND, 3, 2, 1, MUNCH." 1565 01:00:02,300 --> 01:00:03,730 [ LAUGHTER ] 1566 01:00:03,733 --> 01:00:05,373 YOU GUYS, I GOT TO GO. THANK YOU SO MUCH. 1567 01:00:05,367 --> 01:00:07,367 THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU SO MUCH. 1568 01:00:07,367 --> 01:00:09,427 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1569 01:00:14,733 --> 01:00:16,733 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE ] 1570 01:00:18,667 --> 01:00:20,927 Man: * UNH * 1571 01:00:20,933 --> 01:00:22,903 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE ] 1572 01:00:22,900 --> 01:00:24,100 * A'IGHT * 1573 01:00:24,100 --> 01:00:26,800 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE ] 1574 01:00:29,533 --> 01:00:31,833 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE ]