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NARRATOR: There are many
places we could begin
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the next chapter of the
legend of Ron Burgundy.
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This is one such place.
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(SCREAMING)
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However, we won't
begin our tale here.
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No, our story begins in a
place all newsmen dream of.
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In New York City.
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(UPBEAT RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
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Ron Burgundy!
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That lady's got an ass like
the Loch Ness Monster.
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Thing is mysterious and
ever sought after.
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Ron, aren't you going
to say something to him?
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Hey, when you've got an
ass like the North Star,
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wise men are going
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- to want to follow it.
- (SCOFFS)
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NARRATOR: It was a time before
cell phones and steroids.
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And for Ron and his
now-wife Veronica,
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life was good.
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RON: The Tooth Fairy's exposed
breast made the child uncomfortable.
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(CLEARS THROAT) The Bishop wore
buttless chaps to the bat mitzvah.
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Bat mitzvah.
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The garden gnome had
a normal-size penis.
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The garden gnome had
a normal-size penis.
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(VERONICA WHOOPING)
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Corningstone. Corningstone.
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(DOING VOCAL EXERCISES)
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(IN SHRILL VOICE)
Oh! Oh, no! Oh, no!
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They're coming in through
the back door! Oh, no!
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(WBC NEWS THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
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- Oh, no!
- (SINGING)
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Grab the children!
Save the children!
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Five, four...
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- Have a great broadcast.
- You, too, darling.
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(MOUTHING)
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Good evening.
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This is the weekend edition of
WBC News at 6:30.
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I'm Ron Burgundy.
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And I'm Veronica Corningstone.
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Our top story tonight.
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The U.N. today announced
sanctions against...
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When the broadcast is over,
send these two up to my office.
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Time to make a change.
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(DINGING)
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Rumor has it that after 35
years of Manning the helm,
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Mack Tannen is thinking
about stepping down.
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That's right.
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(EXHALES)
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Do you...
Do you think we could be...
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We could be getting the
Nightly News, Ron?
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I think that's exactly
what's about to happen.
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Oh, my God. That's what's
happening, isn't it?
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- I'm hyperventilating.
- Yes, I see that.
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(HYPERVENTILATING)
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Look at me. (LAUGHING)
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Oh, you... Well.
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I'm laughing like a
ventriloquist's dummy.
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- You are.
- (LAUGHING)
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Let's stop that before
we get in there.
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Don't do that in there, darling.
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VERONICA: Mr. Tannen,
you are an inspiration, sir.
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I've been doing the evening
news now for over 35 years.
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- Done a hell of a job.
- Yes, sir.
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A hell of a job!
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I've gone through four wives.
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I have six or seven kids that I haven't
got the time to tell I love them.
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To be honest, they
sound a little needy.
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And I killed four men in Okinawa.
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W.W. Two.
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And that was two weeks ago.
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The point is, this is
a very demanding job.
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Yes.
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But I'm close to thinking that
you may have what it takes.
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Now, let me look at you.
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Oh, my God.
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Would it be wrong to say
you smell terrific?
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- Ron, please!
- Okay.
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What are you?
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Finnish?
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Oddly enough, I'm 100%
full-blown Mexican.
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From the state of Oaxaca.
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VERONICA: No, you're not, honey.
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Hello, sir.
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Oh, my heart is racing.
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MACK: Hmm.
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I just have to say, this is
super creepy and unorthodox.
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You like-a da merchandise, huh?
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Sorry.
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All right.
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We're about to make
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network news history.
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- Veronica.
- Yes?
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You're going to be the
first female full-time
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network news anchor.
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- Oh, my goodness!
- Oh! I knew it.
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And you, Mr. Burgundy...
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I'm going to be the first
lactose intolerant anchor.
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- Mr. Burgundy.
- Yes?
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You're fired.
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Come again?
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Fired.
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You are the worst anchorman
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I have ever seen.
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But what did I do wrong?
Name one thing.
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(YELLING) Korean soldiers
were fired upon in the DMZ!
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Oh. Jeez, I am so sorry.
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Someone put the story
in all capital letters,
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and I... I thought
I was supposed to yell it.
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President Parter...
Ah, shit! (SIGHS)
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I mean, President Carter
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will speak at the summit Tuesday.
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Tony, did I just curse?
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Are you kidding me? Shit!
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I mean... Shit. Shoot!
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The slain Civil Rights leader
was eulogized... (SNEEZES)
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VERONICA: Oh!
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Oh, wow! Did you see that?
Right on the lens!
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Folks, I'm sorry.
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I hold myself to a high
professional standard
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and you shouldn't hear
that language, okay?
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I'm having a shitty day.
Oh, fuck-stick!
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Now, I know this is tricky,
given your relationship,
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so I'm going to give you the
evening to think about it.
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I forbid it!
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You forbid it? What?
Who are you? Julius Caesar?
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Who the hell is Julius Caesar?
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You know I don't follow the NBA.
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Look, I am so sorry that
this happened, Ron,
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but you and I,
we're partners, sweetheart.
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And when something good happens
to me, it also happens to you.
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That's ridiculous!
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It clearly just happened to you!
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You... Oh! Be quiet.
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- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
- WALTER: Mom?
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LUPITA:
I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Burgundy.
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He no go to sleep.
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Damn it, Lupita, what have
you been doing up there?
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Eating nachos?
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Mommy? Daddy? Why are you
yelling at each other?
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Did Mom touch Dad's hair again?
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Walter, honey, why don't you
just go to bed, all right?
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Mommy and Daddy are
just having a discussion.
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No! He needs to hear this.
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He's six years old. He's a man.
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Walter, listen to me.
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Life isn't a fairy tale.
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It's not a bunch of jumping
rope and grabbing ass.
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It's complicated. (SIGHS)
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What do you want to
do with your life?
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What do you want to be
when you grow up?
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I want to be an
astronaut or a cowboy!
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You're never going to be
any of those, okay?
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Ron!
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You've got to set the
bar a lot lower.
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Service industry.
Fry cook. Prison guard.
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Maybe you're a lighting
guy at a porn shoot.
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Which basically means you hold up a
flashlight while adults do things.
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He is a child, Ron!
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Nah, nah, nah!
He's got hair on his nugs.
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He's old enough to hear this.
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Your father is a wise man.
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I will lock you in a closet!
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Veronica, here's the bottom line.
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It's a very simple decision.
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It's either me or the job.
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It doesn't have to
be a choice, Ron.
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Don't do this.
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Don't throw away everything that
we've worked so hard for.
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Me...
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or the job.
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SEAWORLD ANNOUNCER:
Hello, and welcome
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to the 3:10 Dolphin
Show at Sea World.
173
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Sponsored by British Petroleum.
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B.P. Oil, nature's best friend.
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00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:48,799
And now, here's your host,
Ron Burgundy.
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Good afternoon, everyone.
177
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And welcome to
world-famous Sea World,
178
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:57,513
here in San Diago, California.
179
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Here's a fun fact, dolphins
aren't fish. They're mammals.
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00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:04,903
Here's another fun fact,
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I haven't felt the loving embrace of
a human being in over three months.
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(SOBBING)
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I'm so lonely I paid a
hobo to spoon with me.
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Let's bring out our
world-class trainers here,
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Jesse and Paula.
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(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
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Thank you. Thank you, Ron.
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Sometimes I try to kiss 'em.
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(BOTH LAUGHING)
190
00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:34,615
Oh, Ron Burgundy, everyone.
191
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- I want to kiss you.
- No.
192
00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:37,284
- Or I'll kiss your friend.
- No.
193
00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:39,244
How about the two
trainers kiss each other?
194
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What do you say, huh?
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So, let's say hello to the stars
of the show, Chippy and Roo-roo!
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RON: For your information,
197
00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:51,483
Chippy was rehabilitated
and Roo-roo is an asshole.
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00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:52,942
Ooh!
199
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:55,511
Look, they're swimming
and doing tricks!
200
00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:57,387
Folks, what do you expect?
They're dolphins.
201
00:09:57,388 --> 00:09:59,139
- (CLEARING THROAT)
- (DOLPHIN CLICKING)
202
00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:00,599
What did you say?
203
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,559
Look at you, with
that permanent smile.
204
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,770
You think you're so smart,
with your secret language.
205
00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,563
You just fan' out of the
top of your head.
206
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:08,107
- (IMITATES FARTING)
- (AUDIENCE BOOING)
207
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:10,802
- You're a punk, Ron Burgundy!
- Boo!
208
00:10:11,194 --> 00:10:14,423
Children and animals hate you,
Ron Burgundy!
209
00:10:14,531 --> 00:10:17,241
I would eat dolphins
if it was legal!
210
00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:19,811
Unhand me, you buffoons! (GRUNTS)
211
00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:24,331
All right, first, you threw
up in the shark tank.
212
00:10:24,332 --> 00:10:26,750
Then you fed the seals
a chicken gyro?
213
00:10:26,751 --> 00:10:28,252
And now this?
214
00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:30,401
You're fired, you washed-up drunk!
215
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,339
Guess what, Trevor?
216
00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:34,258
Every morning I get
here a half hour early
217
00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:37,010
and I sexually assault a starfish!
218
00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:38,112
(GRUNTS)
219
00:10:38,429 --> 00:10:41,348
This is the end of the road.
I'm not turning back.
220
00:10:41,349 --> 00:10:42,996
(BARKING)
221
00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:44,935
Well, I know it's
not a pretty sight.
222
00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:46,504
And you're gonna be
the sole witness.
223
00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:49,715
If you can't handle it,
you leave the room.
224
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:52,651
(SIGHS)
It's too late, Baxter
225
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,153
(BARKING)
226
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:56,446
I'm going the way of
the ancient samurai
227
00:10:56,447 --> 00:11:00,367
who, when dishonored, would hang
themselves from a fluorescent light.
228
00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:01,515
(BARKING)
229
00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:04,598
Goodbye, my sweet hairy prince.
230
00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:06,665
- Oh!
- (GLASS SHATTERING)
231
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:07,767
(GROANS)
232
00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:10,294
Oh!
233
00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:12,504
Sweet cream on nipples!
234
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:14,965
Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Hello, I...
235
00:11:14,966 --> 00:11:17,718
Oh, my God!
236
00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:19,595
What the hell happened?
237
00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:21,869
Um... Urn...
238
00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:24,183
I tried to hang myself?
239
00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:25,957
Because my life's a mess?
240
00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:28,204
And I saw no other option?
241
00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:32,463
I think you're telling the truth, but why
are you saying it like you're lying?
242
00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:34,318
It was a call for help?
243
00:11:34,319 --> 00:11:37,673
But it didn't work because I'm too
heavy and the ceiling lamp broke?
244
00:11:38,281 --> 00:11:39,990
Something like that?
245
00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:42,868
Yeah, I...
I think you're telling the truth.
246
00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:45,063
I am. That's what happened.
247
00:11:46,331 --> 00:11:49,355
RON: Mmm. These are
first-rate flapjacks.
248
00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:54,155
I'm telling you, suicide makes you
hungry, I don't care what anyone says.
249
00:11:54,255 --> 00:11:58,906
My name is Freddie Shapp, and I'm
a producer of a new kind of news.
250
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,663
We're starting a
24-hour news channel.
251
00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:03,138
First of it's kind!
252
00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:06,075
GNN. The Global News Network.
253
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:07,793
(LAUGHING)
254
00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:12,666
That is without a doubt the
dumbest thing I've ever heard.
255
00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:16,318
You mean news going 24
hours around the clock?
256
00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:18,779
A channel that's never
off, in other words?
257
00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:22,225
- Yeah. Yeah. Just 24 hours. It's, uh...
- (LAUGHING)
258
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:26,054
No offense, but you
are a stupid asshole.
259
00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:29,873
Mr. Burgundy, I assure you
we are 100% for real.
260
00:12:29,874 --> 00:12:32,542
We've got state-of-the-art
facilities in Manhattan.
261
00:12:32,543 --> 00:12:36,773
And Kench Allenby, multi-millionaire
and owner of Koala Airlines.
262
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:39,424
So glad he was acquitted of murder.
263
00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:41,448
I'm a big Kench Allenby guy.
264
00:12:41,552 --> 00:12:44,576
He's funding the whole network.
He believes in it.
265
00:12:44,722 --> 00:12:46,665
I don't think you
understand, Freddie.
266
00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:52,586
My hero, Mack Tannen, told me I was
the worst journalist he'd ever seen.
267
00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:55,857
I'm not good enough.
268
00:12:55,858 --> 00:12:56,959
Here.
269
00:12:57,068 --> 00:12:59,546
This is your first week's salary.
270
00:13:01,739 --> 00:13:04,342
By the hymen of Olivia Newton-John!
271
00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:06,348
What do you say, Ron?
272
00:13:08,079 --> 00:13:10,022
I'll take the job.
273
00:13:10,415 --> 00:13:13,815
And I swear I'll be
number one again.
274
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:18,338
I'll take back my son,
restore my reputation,
275
00:13:18,339 --> 00:13:20,590
and make everything
right with Veronica.
276
00:13:20,591 --> 00:13:22,384
But more importantly,
277
00:13:22,385 --> 00:13:26,661
I'm going to do what God put Ron
Burgundy on this Earth to do.
278
00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:29,952
Have salon-quality hair
and read the news.
279
00:13:30,435 --> 00:13:33,770
Ron... You've made my day.
280
00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:36,169
I've got the best damn
news team in the world.
281
00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:39,420
- Your call.
- I just have to find them.
282
00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:42,426
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
283
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:51,663
San Diago. Looks like we begin
our search right here at home.
284
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:55,792
Last I heard, Champ Kind was fired for
being drunk on the air and saying,
285
00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:59,713
"The only Olympic sport Filipinos are
good at is eating cats and dogs."
286
00:13:59,714 --> 00:14:00,964
(BAXTER BARKING)
287
00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:02,237
(LAUGHS)
288
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:05,302
- Who loves chicken? You do!
- WOMEN: We do!
289
00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:07,721
(SINGING) Delicious chicken
Swing on through.
290
00:14:07,722 --> 00:14:09,973
Meet the crew, hoo-hoo!
291
00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:14,102
I'm local San Diego legend Champ
Kind, and I believe in two things.
292
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:15,145
Good chicken,
293
00:14:15,146 --> 00:14:19,358
and that the census is a way for
the U.N. to make your children gay.
294
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,485
So come on by and grab a wing.
295
00:14:21,486 --> 00:14:24,681
'Cause when you do,
you'll say, "Whammy!"
296
00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:26,740
No Catholics or Jews admitted.
297
00:14:26,741 --> 00:14:28,033
All right, there you go.
298
00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:30,762
One Whammy Special
with Whammy slaw.
299
00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:33,997
There's a used Band-Aid
in my coleslaw.
300
00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:36,083
My gosh, let me take care of that.
301
00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:39,544
Get out of here before I smash
your head in, you Commie bastard!
302
00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:42,273
If you're from the census,
you take me off your list!
303
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:46,134
You never did have much of
a bedside manner, Champ.
304
00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:48,178
Ron? Ron Burgundy?
305
00:14:48,179 --> 00:14:50,430
- Get over here!
- How are you, friend?
306
00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:52,909
God, I have longed for you.
307
00:14:52,934 --> 00:14:54,351
It's good to see you, too.
308
00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:55,954
Oh, this feels like home.
309
00:14:56,521 --> 00:14:57,687
Are you all right?
310
00:14:57,688 --> 00:14:59,836
Yeah, I'm fine. Better now.
311
00:14:59,857 --> 00:15:02,676
Okay, let's break the
huddle here, huh?
312
00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:05,070
- Okay. All right.
- All right.
313
00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:06,947
You get back here!
314
00:15:06,948 --> 00:15:08,220
Don't be weird!
315
00:15:08,658 --> 00:15:10,992
CHAMP: So, anyway,
Harken sat me down, he said,
316
00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:14,079
"Champ, you're a dangerous
alcoholic, a racist,"
317
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,748
"and I don't think you
know a lick about sports."
318
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:20,502
And I said, "Ed, you dirty Polack,
it's 10:00 in the morning."
319
00:15:20,503 --> 00:15:21,878
"Let's go have some drinks"
320
00:15:21,879 --> 00:15:25,048
"and go to a baseball game where
the Mexicans hit some touchdowns."
321
00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:26,174
Then he fires me!
322
00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:30,512
Fortunately, on the way out the
door, I fake a work injury.
323
00:15:30,513 --> 00:15:32,514
With the settlement,
I bought this place.
324
00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:34,834
Well, I'm glad to see you
landed on your feet, Champ.
325
00:15:35,685 --> 00:15:37,537
Listen, can I ask you a question?
326
00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:39,167
Sure. Anything.
327
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,064
Is... Is this chicken?
328
00:15:41,065 --> 00:15:43,008
Oh, hell, no.
329
00:15:43,234 --> 00:15:46,679
It's really impossible to turn a
profit if you serve real chicken.
330
00:15:46,821 --> 00:15:48,864
Yeah. We use mainly bats.
331
00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:49,948
- What?
- Yeah.
332
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:52,143
But the good quality kind.
333
00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:54,244
That's the most horrible
thing I've ever heard.
334
00:15:54,245 --> 00:15:55,287
Yeah?
335
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:57,330
You got to do what you
got to do, right?
336
00:15:57,331 --> 00:15:59,541
So what you got to do
is serve fried bats?
337
00:15:59,542 --> 00:16:02,316
Yep. Do you know
what they call bats?
338
00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:04,754
- Bats.
- "Chicken of the Cave."
339
00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:06,798
No one calls them
Chicken of the Cave.
340
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,321
Who's "they," by the way?
341
00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:12,762
There's a guy I met named Paco,
sells bikers speed at the pier.
342
00:16:12,763 --> 00:16:15,474
So that guy calls them
Chicken of the Cave.
343
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:16,558
Yeah.
344
00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:17,934
That's not "they."
345
00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:20,270
Why don't you have a bite
and stop judging it?
346
00:16:20,271 --> 00:16:22,063
I'm not going to bite
into a fried bat.
347
00:16:22,064 --> 00:16:23,190
It's delicious.
348
00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:25,084
It's all tendon. Look at it.
349
00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:27,052
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
350
00:16:27,862 --> 00:16:29,214
Was that a bat?
351
00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:31,390
Chicken of the Cave.
352
00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:33,217
What brings you here, Ron?
353
00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:36,828
My friend, we've got a job.
In New York City.
354
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:38,598
Whammy! I'm in!
355
00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:40,040
You've got yourself a sportscaster.
356
00:16:40,041 --> 00:16:41,124
Oh, great.
357
00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:42,397
Denny!
358
00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:45,146
Lock up!
359
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:47,088
Any idea where Brian Fantana is?
360
00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:48,632
You haven't heard?
361
00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:50,406
Fantana hit the big time.
362
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:52,862
Aw, baby.
363
00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:57,291
Yeah, that's it, play for me.
Just play around.
364
00:16:57,433 --> 00:17:00,161
Roll around and lift
those legs up. Mmm!
365
00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:03,247
You are a hairy little
thing, aren't you?
366
00:17:03,272 --> 00:17:04,439
- (BRIAN GROWLS)
- (CAMERA CLICKING)
367
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,589
Yeah. Oh, I like what's happening!
368
00:17:07,818 --> 00:17:10,467
Oh, that's it. Yeah. Yeah.
369
00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:13,641
Oh, you little fuzzball,
that's... Oh!
370
00:17:15,618 --> 00:17:17,516
- I got it.
- (ALL APPLAUDING)
371
00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:20,306
It's not getting any
better than that.
372
00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:22,374
- That's brilliant!
- Yeah, yeah.
373
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,773
Hey, Brian, you have any
time for the little people?
374
00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:30,483
Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.
375
00:17:30,925 --> 00:17:32,652
(ALL LAUGHING)
376
00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:36,304
- Hey, Brian.
- Champ! How you doing?
377
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:37,472
Hey!
378
00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:38,974
- Wow. This is a...
- Cool it!
379
00:17:38,975 --> 00:17:40,559
Oh, I can't believe...
380
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,227
Oh, wow. It's great to see you!
381
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:44,877
Welcome. Welcome to my DOJ'.
382
00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:46,815
This place is spectacular!
383
00:17:46,816 --> 00:17:48,108
- It's amazing.
- A bit chaotic today.
384
00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:50,151
We got the Cat Fancy
cover coming out.
385
00:17:50,152 --> 00:17:51,695
- You know how that can be.
- Ooh.
386
00:17:51,696 --> 00:17:53,446
I've been living in a tent
for the last two years.
387
00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:54,990
Oh, yeah, this is not that.
388
00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:56,575
We got a sauna in the kitchen.
389
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:59,995
A lot of people think that's weird,
but I keep wine in it.
390
00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:02,622
I'm not a wine guy,
but I know you got to keep it hot.
391
00:18:02,623 --> 00:18:04,624
Oh, and check this out.
392
00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:06,523
This... This was fun.
393
00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:08,420
We shot this over two
weeks in Prague.
394
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:09,693
RON: Wow.
395
00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:11,923
You know what they call cats?
396
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:14,402
- Chicken of the rail yard.
- No.
397
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:16,362
- What?
- Don't indulge him.
398
00:18:16,387 --> 00:18:18,054
- Yeah.
- CHAMP: There's a lot of meat.
399
00:18:18,055 --> 00:18:19,556
But I love it.
(CHUCKLES)
400
00:18:19,557 --> 00:18:22,559
And what's so great about
it is it's so damn true.
401
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:23,707
I hate Mondays!
402
00:18:23,894 --> 00:18:25,854
I'm not a Monday guy.
403
00:18:25,855 --> 00:18:27,689
Ron hates Mondays.
404
00:18:27,690 --> 00:18:29,774
Hell, I'm not crazy
about them, either.
405
00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:32,068
I also don't like Tuesdays,
Wednesdays or Thursdays.
406
00:18:32,069 --> 00:18:33,671
(ALL LAUGHING)
407
00:18:33,696 --> 00:18:35,572
So why are you guys here, anyway?
408
00:18:35,573 --> 00:18:39,576
Well, Brian, we're getting the
news team back together again.
409
00:18:39,577 --> 00:18:40,619
Really?
410
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,912
And, of course, we want to
know if you'll join us.
411
00:18:42,913 --> 00:18:44,456
Jeez, I don't know.
412
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:47,042
I kind of got the world
by the tail here.
413
00:18:47,043 --> 00:18:48,710
I don't know if I can.
414
00:18:48,711 --> 00:18:49,878
Christ, I get it.
415
00:18:49,879 --> 00:18:51,963
I mean, you're the Quincy
Jones of cat photographers.
416
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:53,407
Why would you leave all this?
417
00:18:53,424 --> 00:18:55,050
RON: Hey, Brian, I don't
know if you heard,
418
00:18:55,051 --> 00:18:57,779
but New York has
all-nude strip clubs.
419
00:19:00,431 --> 00:19:02,579
The question still remains...
420
00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:04,539
Where's Brick Tamland?
421
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:05,769
Oh.
422
00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:07,437
You guys didn't hear?
423
00:19:07,438 --> 00:19:08,980
No, what happened?
424
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:10,128
Brick's...
425
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,094
Dead.
426
00:19:21,452 --> 00:19:22,869
BRIAN: Brick was lost at sea
427
00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:24,313
- about a year ago.
- RON: Oh.
428
00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:27,123
Thought he saw a bird and
he swam out to pet it.
429
00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:28,396
He never came back.
430
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:31,169
- (PEOPLE SOBBING)
- We all loved Brick,
431
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:33,755
even though he never
had a phone number,
432
00:19:33,756 --> 00:19:37,175
or address or Social
Security number.
433
00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:40,887
In six years of working at the
station, he never cashed a paycheck.
434
00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:42,097
That sweet Brick.
435
00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,498
ED: He was a sensitive man, though.
436
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:48,747
He told me he wanted to donate his
organs to science before he died,
437
00:19:48,854 --> 00:19:51,423
so he could see where
they ended up.
438
00:19:51,899 --> 00:19:55,754
He'll long be remembered
and he'll be sorely missed.
439
00:19:56,946 --> 00:19:58,298
(SIGHS)
440
00:20:00,574 --> 00:20:02,472
Thank you, Reverend.
441
00:20:02,827 --> 00:20:04,975
- Oh.
- Oh, come on!
442
00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:07,247
- BRICK: Brick was a great man.
- (SCOFFS) Really?
443
00:20:07,248 --> 00:20:08,915
And I will miss him so much.
444
00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:11,584
And I will not rest until
I find his killer.
445
00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:13,044
- What?
- His killer?
446
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:16,240
It is hard for me to believe
that he is gone. (SOBS)
447
00:20:16,507 --> 00:20:18,359
He's not gone.
448
00:20:18,676 --> 00:20:21,636
(SOBBING) I feel that I
just saw him yesterday.
449
00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:23,680
You were probably talking
to yourself in a mirror.
450
00:20:23,681 --> 00:20:26,992
BRICK: When I got the news...
(CONTINUES SOBBING)
451
00:20:27,017 --> 00:20:30,246
I didn't even know how
to make sense out of it!
452
00:20:30,271 --> 00:20:31,588
None of us understand!
453
00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:33,708
(SHOUTS)
Why? Why?
454
00:20:34,024 --> 00:20:36,067
Why did you take him from us?
455
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:38,653
You're clearly standing
in front of us, Brick.
456
00:20:38,654 --> 00:20:40,131
God damn you!
457
00:20:40,156 --> 00:20:42,157
- Brick!
- Brick is dead!
458
00:20:42,158 --> 00:20:44,033
- RON: No, Brick's alive.
- Brick is dead!
459
00:20:44,034 --> 00:20:45,452
- Look at him!
- He's not dead.
460
00:20:45,453 --> 00:20:46,745
He's not dead, Brick.
You're not dead.
461
00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:48,288
- You're Brick!
- Brick, it's you!
462
00:20:48,289 --> 00:20:49,664
He's dead!
463
00:20:49,665 --> 00:20:50,749
No!
464
00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:53,084
You are Brick! Touch yourself.
465
00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:55,529
- I am Brick?
- ALL: Yes!
466
00:20:55,713 --> 00:20:57,861
- I'm alive?
- ALL: Yes!
467
00:20:57,882 --> 00:20:59,424
- (LAUGHING JOYFULLY)
- ED: Of course.
468
00:20:59,425 --> 00:21:00,925
Of course you are.
469
00:21:00,926 --> 00:21:02,260
ED: Oh, for heaven's sake.
470
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:05,013
You kind of want to slug him.
You want to slug him.
471
00:21:05,014 --> 00:21:06,957
(ANCHORMEN LAUGHING)
472
00:21:08,184 --> 00:21:11,978
RON: Do you remember our
Easter trip to San Francisco?
473
00:21:11,979 --> 00:21:15,023
We got so drunk, we put
Brick in a refrigerator box
474
00:21:15,024 --> 00:21:17,923
and threw him off the
Golden Gate Bridge.
475
00:21:18,736 --> 00:21:19,928
I broke my back!
476
00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:21,137
(ALL LAUGHING)
477
00:21:21,447 --> 00:21:23,281
What about the time
that you dared Champ
478
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:25,658
to drink that beer
Stein full of Woolite?
479
00:21:25,659 --> 00:21:28,119
He drained it faster than you
could say, "No, don't do it."
480
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:30,205
"That's the equivalent of
drinking poison."
481
00:21:30,206 --> 00:21:32,123
(ALL LAUGHING)
482
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:35,436
Oh, Lord, I was in
a six-month coma.
483
00:21:35,461 --> 00:21:37,670
And they say from the
neurological damage,
484
00:21:37,671 --> 00:21:41,025
there's no way I live past 55!
(LAUGHING)
485
00:21:42,802 --> 00:21:44,969
You got three years
left, my friend.
486
00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:46,913
You're gonna die!
487
00:21:48,933 --> 00:21:50,308
Hey, hey, remember?
488
00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:54,562
I was by myself and I had that
dream about the orange tree.
489
00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:57,667
But instead of oranges,
it had babies on it.
490
00:21:58,150 --> 00:22:00,844
It was a baby tree! (LAUGHING)
491
00:22:01,111 --> 00:22:03,738
Brick, how could we remember?
It's your dream.
492
00:22:03,739 --> 00:22:07,264
(LAUGHING) I don't know.
It's all the same thing.
493
00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:12,080
It's an interesting dream,
but we're telling stories
494
00:22:12,081 --> 00:22:14,249
involving the entire
news team from the past.
495
00:22:14,250 --> 00:22:15,834
(BRICK LAUGHS)
496
00:22:15,835 --> 00:22:21,589
Or how about the time when I was
born and I came out of the vagina?
497
00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:22,782
(LAUGHING)
498
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:28,157
I was screaming, "Here I come!
Oh! Here I come, Mom!"
499
00:22:29,473 --> 00:22:32,517
First off, Brick, I highly doubt
you remember your own birth.
500
00:22:32,518 --> 00:22:35,436
And, once again, we weren't there.
501
00:22:35,437 --> 00:22:37,039
(CONTINUES LAUGHING)
502
00:22:38,858 --> 00:22:40,505
Ron, I can't...
503
00:22:40,526 --> 00:22:42,970
I can't stop laughing, Ron!
504
00:22:43,195 --> 00:22:44,968
Put a pencil in his mouth.
505
00:22:45,072 --> 00:22:46,424
RON: It's okay.
506
00:22:46,907 --> 00:22:48,241
CHAMP: There you go.
507
00:22:48,242 --> 00:22:50,034
I'm okay now.
508
00:22:50,035 --> 00:22:53,435
Man, this just feels right!
The news team is back!
509
00:22:53,664 --> 00:22:57,860
Ron, Brian, Brick, me, even Baxter!
510
00:22:57,877 --> 00:22:59,878
- (BARKING)
- (LAUGHING)
511
00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:02,198
That old man is so
little and hairy!
512
00:23:03,215 --> 00:23:04,549
Hey, Ron, who's driving?
513
00:23:04,550 --> 00:23:06,652
Oh, it's okay,
it's on cruise control.
514
00:23:08,888 --> 00:23:11,116
Who wants some chimichangas, huh?
515
00:23:11,307 --> 00:23:14,707
Best thing I ever did was install
this deep fryer in the 'bago.
516
00:23:14,894 --> 00:23:17,520
Ron, why do you have
this bag of bowling balls
517
00:23:17,521 --> 00:23:19,814
and this terrarium
filled with scorpions?
518
00:23:19,815 --> 00:23:22,859
- Oh, it's a long, crazy story!
- BRIAN: Hey, Ron.
519
00:23:22,860 --> 00:23:25,463
Cruise control just regulates
speed, it doesn't steer.
520
00:23:26,530 --> 00:23:28,052
- Come again?
- CHAMP: Oh!
521
00:23:28,198 --> 00:23:29,532
(HONKING)
522
00:23:29,533 --> 00:23:31,135
(TIRES SCREECHING)
523
00:23:33,954 --> 00:23:36,102
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
524
00:23:39,752 --> 00:23:41,479
(SCREAMING)
525
00:23:49,136 --> 00:23:50,988
(SCREAMS)
526
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:55,997
(SNARLING)
527
00:23:56,018 --> 00:23:57,370
(SCREAMING)
528
00:24:03,233 --> 00:24:05,711
(RON WHIMPERING)
529
00:24:07,696 --> 00:24:09,673
(SCREAMING)
530
00:24:12,242 --> 00:24:13,810
(GROANING)
531
00:24:27,216 --> 00:24:30,051
RON: Well, that is gonna
make one hell of a story.
532
00:24:30,052 --> 00:24:31,779
(ALL LAUGHING)
533
00:24:37,518 --> 00:24:40,520
The Big Apple. Ron
Burgundy is back.
534
00:24:40,521 --> 00:24:42,605
CHAMP: Why do they call it
the Big Apple, Ron?
535
00:24:42,606 --> 00:24:45,710
RON: Because New York has
an apple tree on every street.
536
00:24:48,362 --> 00:24:51,557
Here we are. Welcome to GNN.
537
00:24:54,410 --> 00:24:57,120
I don't know, Ron.
You sure about this place?
538
00:24:57,121 --> 00:24:59,539
Guys, I know it's a bit of a mess,
but trust me,
539
00:24:59,540 --> 00:25:02,542
everything will be ready
for the launch tomorrow.
540
00:25:02,543 --> 00:25:06,546
And we've culled the whole
country for the best newsmen.
541
00:25:06,547 --> 00:25:08,297
There's Curtis
Knightfish from Houston.
542
00:25:08,298 --> 00:25:09,632
Oh, Curtis Knightfish.
543
00:25:09,633 --> 00:25:11,467
They don't get any
better than that.
544
00:25:11,468 --> 00:25:14,637
FREDDIE: And there's Diane
Yahwea from Carson City.
545
00:25:14,638 --> 00:25:17,223
Diane Yahwea. You know
what they call her, right?
546
00:25:17,224 --> 00:25:19,017
"All the Way Yahwea."
547
00:25:19,018 --> 00:25:20,435
She's my aunt.
548
00:25:20,436 --> 00:25:22,645
And the best in the biz.
549
00:25:22,646 --> 00:25:25,290
Jack Lime, out of Chicago.
550
00:25:25,315 --> 00:25:29,420
Rumor is Allenby is giving
him one mil a year.
551
00:25:29,445 --> 00:25:31,718
That's crazy.
Who's worth that kind of money?
552
00:25:33,323 --> 00:25:36,677
RON: Oh, my God!
He's absolutely magnificent!
553
00:25:37,036 --> 00:25:39,704
I bet his poop smells
like sandalwood.
554
00:25:39,705 --> 00:25:41,473
Can I help you, guy?
555
00:25:41,498 --> 00:25:42,999
(STAMMERS)
What was that?
556
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:44,500
I said, "Can I help you, guy?"
557
00:25:44,501 --> 00:25:46,878
Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
What do you mean?
558
00:25:46,879 --> 00:25:49,380
Well, you're staring
at me, hotshot.
559
00:25:49,381 --> 00:25:51,257
Do you want my autograph?
560
00:25:51,258 --> 00:25:53,031
(BOTH LAUGHING)
561
00:25:53,218 --> 00:25:57,138
No, he was just explaining who you
were and I was looking at you.
562
00:25:57,139 --> 00:26:00,413
And then he said something
and I was still looking at you.
563
00:26:00,434 --> 00:26:02,878
(MUMBLES MOCKINGLY)
564
00:26:03,145 --> 00:26:04,792
(ALL LAUGHING)
565
00:26:06,774 --> 00:26:09,108
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Jack Lime is a great man!
566
00:26:09,109 --> 00:26:10,711
(LAUGHING)
567
00:26:11,153 --> 00:26:12,487
Is that what I sound
like when I talk?
568
00:26:12,488 --> 00:26:14,238
(MUMBLES MOCKINGLY)
569
00:26:14,239 --> 00:26:15,932
(ALL LAUGHING)
570
00:26:16,617 --> 00:26:17,909
Is there a problem?
571
00:26:17,910 --> 00:26:19,952
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no. No problem.
572
00:26:19,953 --> 00:26:22,371
Well, you're making a face
like you got a problem.
573
00:26:22,372 --> 00:26:24,373
Um, I'm sorry that I'm
making that face.
574
00:26:24,374 --> 00:26:27,585
I don't mean to make a face that
seems like I have a problem.
575
00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:29,003
I don't like that face!
576
00:26:29,004 --> 00:26:30,797
You need to change it,
and change it quick.
577
00:26:30,798 --> 00:26:32,215
Stop making that face.
578
00:26:32,216 --> 00:26:34,092
Is this face better?
579
00:26:34,093 --> 00:26:35,218
JACK: Oh, I don't like...
580
00:26:35,219 --> 00:26:38,513
Oh, that new face is driving
me crazy! Change it, now!
581
00:26:38,514 --> 00:26:39,889
You're getting him mad.
582
00:26:39,890 --> 00:26:41,992
I only have so many faces.
583
00:26:42,810 --> 00:26:45,520
I'm just grinding your
gears, man. (LAUGHS)
584
00:26:45,521 --> 00:26:47,396
Welcome to the station!
585
00:26:47,397 --> 00:26:50,125
We're going to have
a good time together.
586
00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:54,963
Oh, my God.
That's vintage Jack Lime.
587
00:26:54,988 --> 00:26:56,155
Come on, guys.
588
00:26:56,156 --> 00:26:57,508
Let's go meet the boss.
589
00:26:57,741 --> 00:26:59,659
FREDDIE:
We'll have separate cameras
590
00:26:59,660 --> 00:27:02,604
for you, and then sports
and then weather.
591
00:27:02,746 --> 00:27:05,081
Let me ask you this, Freddie,
how's the new head honcho?
592
00:27:05,082 --> 00:27:08,732
Well, Linda Jackson has
a shelf full of Emmys.
593
00:27:09,086 --> 00:27:13,316
She's as tough as nails.
And Linda loves to win.
594
00:27:13,423 --> 00:27:15,341
Oh, hey, Linda!
595
00:27:15,342 --> 00:27:18,241
I want to introduce
you to Ron Burgundy.
596
00:27:18,470 --> 00:27:21,556
Linda Jackson.
How are you, my friend?
597
00:27:21,557 --> 00:27:22,658
FREDDIE: Ron.
598
00:27:23,350 --> 00:27:25,077
This is Linda Jackson.
599
00:27:25,602 --> 00:27:27,079
Hello, Mr. Burgundy.
600
00:27:27,604 --> 00:27:29,547
Oh. Uh...
601
00:27:30,315 --> 00:27:31,541
Black.
602
00:27:32,776 --> 00:27:34,844
- Black.
- Jesus, just stop, Ron.
603
00:27:35,487 --> 00:27:39,387
I'm terribly sorry. I don't
know why I can't stop saying...
604
00:27:39,825 --> 00:27:41,784
Black. The word "black."
605
00:27:41,785 --> 00:27:43,478
Hello, Mr. Burgundy.
606
00:27:43,495 --> 00:27:45,454
- Black.
- Stop.
607
00:27:45,455 --> 00:27:46,664
Black.
608
00:27:46,665 --> 00:27:47,937
Stop saying "black."
609
00:27:52,462 --> 00:27:55,441
- Black. If I don't say it, I'll pass out.
- Stop saying it!
610
00:27:55,465 --> 00:27:57,592
Uh, Donna, can you please
get me a cup of coffee?
611
00:27:57,593 --> 00:27:59,719
- Right away, Ms. Jackson.
- Thank you.
612
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:02,039
- Please be seated. Everyone.
- Sure.
613
00:28:02,139 --> 00:28:03,582
LINDA: Please be seated.
614
00:28:05,934 --> 00:28:09,937
Great. So I know that all of you
are aware that the news community
615
00:28:09,938 --> 00:28:12,648
is laughing at what we're trying
to do here at 24-hour news.
616
00:28:12,649 --> 00:28:14,317
But that is why they brought me in.
617
00:28:14,318 --> 00:28:15,526
She's the best!
618
00:28:15,527 --> 00:28:17,862
You see, gentlemen, I don't lose.
619
00:28:17,863 --> 00:28:19,989
Listen, I feel like I
need to clear the air.
620
00:28:19,990 --> 00:28:21,407
Oh, please don't.
621
00:28:21,408 --> 00:28:23,409
I want to say, on behalf
of the entire news team,
622
00:28:23,410 --> 00:28:28,331
we are huge supporters
of all African and Americans.
623
00:28:28,332 --> 00:28:30,309
Veronica got so tan!
624
00:28:30,417 --> 00:28:33,628
I remember the first African
and American I ever saw.
625
00:28:33,629 --> 00:28:35,504
It's African-American.
626
00:28:35,505 --> 00:28:37,256
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
627
00:28:37,257 --> 00:28:39,842
Absolutely 100% positive?
It isn't like...
628
00:28:39,843 --> 00:28:41,093
Ron... (CHUCKLES)
629
00:28:41,094 --> 00:28:42,637
Fish and chips?
630
00:28:42,638 --> 00:28:46,849
Hey, we're all the same on
the inside, stinky and pink.
631
00:28:46,850 --> 00:28:47,934
When I was in high school,
632
00:28:47,935 --> 00:28:50,019
me and my buddies used to sneak
in the girls' locker room.
633
00:28:50,020 --> 00:28:51,520
We'd peek at the
girls in the shower,
634
00:28:51,521 --> 00:28:55,191
and I'd look at all of them,
no matter what color they were.
635
00:28:55,192 --> 00:28:56,339
So...
636
00:28:56,360 --> 00:28:59,445
Jesus, this is the worst
meeting I've ever been in.
637
00:28:59,446 --> 00:29:01,989
A black man follows me
everywhere when it's sunny.
638
00:29:01,990 --> 00:29:04,242
Actually, I think that's
your shadow, Brick.
639
00:29:04,243 --> 00:29:05,701
I call him Leon.
640
00:29:05,702 --> 00:29:07,954
And if it's a cloudy day,
what happens to Leon?
641
00:29:07,955 --> 00:29:09,038
He goes home.
642
00:29:09,039 --> 00:29:10,081
It's your shadow.
643
00:29:10,082 --> 00:29:11,207
He's talking about his shadow.
644
00:29:11,208 --> 00:29:13,857
Shut your damn mouths! Sit down!
645
00:29:16,380 --> 00:29:17,463
What's he doing?
646
00:29:17,464 --> 00:29:20,341
I think you scared him.
You can't shout at Brick.
647
00:29:20,342 --> 00:29:22,035
Is he all right?
648
00:29:22,261 --> 00:29:24,845
Can you sing him a
soothing siren song?
649
00:29:24,846 --> 00:29:26,222
Just a high melodic...
650
00:29:26,223 --> 00:29:28,121
(VOCALIZING)
651
00:29:29,017 --> 00:29:30,539
I'm not singing along with you.
652
00:29:31,478 --> 00:29:33,562
Oh, come on, Brick. Brick!
653
00:29:33,563 --> 00:29:35,415
Linda has a balloon.
654
00:29:38,735 --> 00:29:40,403
You better get him a balloon.
655
00:29:40,404 --> 00:29:41,612
Is this for real, Freddie?
656
00:29:41,613 --> 00:29:43,155
Linda, I'm sorry.
657
00:29:43,156 --> 00:29:44,907
No, it's okay! It's okay.
658
00:29:44,908 --> 00:29:47,201
So you have a black boss,
and it's freaking you out.
659
00:29:47,202 --> 00:29:48,411
Is it freaking you out?
660
00:29:48,412 --> 00:29:50,496
- A little bit, to be honest.
- You freaked out?
661
00:29:50,497 --> 00:29:52,599
- Is it freaking you out?
- Oh, she's got a knife!
662
00:29:52,833 --> 00:29:54,625
I don't give a shit!
663
00:29:54,626 --> 00:29:56,854
We're not all here to hold
hands and sing Kumbaya.
664
00:29:57,296 --> 00:29:58,648
Black.
665
00:29:58,755 --> 00:30:02,951
So as long as you guys get numbers,
we are gonna get along just fine.
666
00:30:03,135 --> 00:30:06,470
Now, if you don't,
I am gonna be icy.
667
00:30:06,471 --> 00:30:07,930
And unpleasant, you dig?
668
00:30:07,931 --> 00:30:10,750
I dig. We all dig.
669
00:30:10,851 --> 00:30:12,101
I like to dig.
670
00:30:12,102 --> 00:30:15,980
One time I went digging for
treasure and I found a half a body.
671
00:30:15,981 --> 00:30:17,857
Get out of my office!
672
00:30:17,858 --> 00:30:22,069
I'm telling you, you can't give
an inch in those situations,
673
00:30:22,070 --> 00:30:24,030
and I think we held our
ground pretty firmly.
674
00:30:24,031 --> 00:30:25,281
Guys.
675
00:30:25,282 --> 00:30:28,659
Guys, we got you an apartment
on the Upper East Side
676
00:30:28,660 --> 00:30:30,328
and a whole new wardrobe.
677
00:30:30,329 --> 00:30:33,456
That's wonderful! When do
we begin our broadcast?
678
00:30:33,457 --> 00:30:34,957
Well, the big launch is tomorrow
679
00:30:34,958 --> 00:30:36,625
- at 12:00 noon.
- Okay.
680
00:30:36,626 --> 00:30:40,651
You guys are slotted for the
2:00 A.M. to 5:00 A.M. slot.
681
00:30:40,881 --> 00:30:44,201
What? That's the graveyard shift!
682
00:30:44,426 --> 00:30:46,199
"I ain't afraid of no ghost."
683
00:30:46,345 --> 00:30:48,429
Oh, come on,
it's going to be great.
684
00:30:48,430 --> 00:30:50,514
Let's get your keys. Come on!
685
00:30:50,515 --> 00:30:52,683
(PHONE RINGING)
686
00:30:52,684 --> 00:30:53,809
RON:
Is there booze in the apartment?
687
00:30:53,810 --> 00:30:55,890
FREDDIE: Of course there's
gonna be booze. Of course.
688
00:30:57,356 --> 00:30:59,584
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
689
00:31:17,918 --> 00:31:19,361
BRICK: It won't stop.
690
00:31:19,586 --> 00:31:22,940
Sometimes it stops,
but then it starts again.
691
00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:27,904
What are you doing,
Chani? Answer it!
692
00:31:28,804 --> 00:31:31,157
Hi. Yes, let me transfer you.
693
00:31:31,807 --> 00:31:33,784
Your job is to answer the phones.
694
00:31:34,184 --> 00:31:36,685
I'm getting ready for Secret Santa.
When is that again?
695
00:31:36,686 --> 00:31:39,835
It's at Christmastime.
When else would it be?
696
00:31:41,191 --> 00:31:42,964
(CLEARS THROAT)
697
00:31:43,193 --> 00:31:45,466
I'm Brick. I was dead last week.
698
00:31:45,821 --> 00:31:47,218
I'm Chani.
699
00:31:47,531 --> 00:31:50,635
I like the place between
your head and your body.
700
00:31:50,826 --> 00:31:52,599
I like your hair.
701
00:31:53,870 --> 00:31:55,688
It looks like wet popcorn.
702
00:31:56,206 --> 00:31:57,748
Thank you.
703
00:31:57,749 --> 00:32:00,501
Would you like to see the smile that
I use when I pose for photographs?
704
00:32:00,502 --> 00:32:01,774
Yes, please.
705
00:32:03,004 --> 00:32:06,574
Do you want to see the face I make
when I see a snake made out of candy?
706
00:32:06,758 --> 00:32:07,859
Yes.
707
00:32:10,971 --> 00:32:12,163
That's good.
708
00:32:12,848 --> 00:32:14,746
What's your favorite time of day?
709
00:32:14,891 --> 00:32:15,992
Now.
710
00:32:17,185 --> 00:32:18,912
What's your favorite time of day?
711
00:32:19,062 --> 00:32:20,630
A minute ago.
712
00:32:21,731 --> 00:32:23,003
Urn...
713
00:32:41,084 --> 00:32:42,811
(CHUCKLES)
714
00:33:00,103 --> 00:33:02,331
Surprise! Big daddy's back.
715
00:33:02,355 --> 00:33:03,581
Ron.
716
00:33:05,108 --> 00:33:06,650
What are you doing here?
717
00:33:06,651 --> 00:33:09,504
I'm over at GNN.
I'm living in the city again.
718
00:33:09,905 --> 00:33:12,239
I really wish that you
would have called first.
719
00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:14,950
Look, it doesn't matter whose
fault the break-up was, okay?
720
00:33:14,951 --> 00:33:16,494
I was stubborn.
721
00:33:16,495 --> 00:33:21,207
You were like a mentally ill whore
having PMS from the 1800s.
722
00:33:21,208 --> 00:33:23,060
What's your point, Ron?
723
00:33:23,210 --> 00:33:27,156
The point is (SIGHS)
I'm back home.
724
00:33:27,297 --> 00:33:29,673
And I want to spend the
rest of my life...
725
00:33:29,674 --> 00:33:31,321
MAN: Honey, who is it?
726
00:33:36,932 --> 00:33:39,706
Hi, Ron. I'm Gary,
Veronica's lover.
727
00:33:48,151 --> 00:33:51,175
So, is that a gift for me, Ron?
728
00:33:51,321 --> 00:33:53,423
No, it's not.
729
00:33:54,658 --> 00:33:55,759
It's for Walter.
730
00:33:55,867 --> 00:33:57,014
Okay.
731
00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:59,370
So when were you going
to tell me about Gary?
732
00:33:59,371 --> 00:34:01,288
Ron. You walked out on me.
733
00:34:01,289 --> 00:34:04,188
What did you expect me to do?
734
00:34:04,459 --> 00:34:07,563
Ron. This is awkward, I know.
735
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:10,986
I'm sitting here with your wife.
We make love.
736
00:34:11,258 --> 00:34:14,426
I'm this close to shooting
a flare gun at your dick.
737
00:34:14,427 --> 00:34:15,653
Oh, Ron!
738
00:34:15,845 --> 00:34:18,013
So what does this Gary
do for a living, huh?
739
00:34:18,014 --> 00:34:19,515
Have you done a
background check on him?
740
00:34:19,516 --> 00:34:21,016
Gary is actually
741
00:34:21,017 --> 00:34:24,520
one of the most successful psychologists
in all of Manhattan, Ron.
742
00:34:24,521 --> 00:34:25,668
Really sweet.
743
00:34:26,022 --> 00:34:27,666
Are you reading my mind right now?
744
00:34:27,691 --> 00:34:30,715
Ron, do you even know
what a psychologist is?
745
00:34:31,736 --> 00:34:33,304
(QUIETLY)
Fuck you.
746
00:34:34,155 --> 00:34:35,340
(GASPS)
Ron!
747
00:34:35,365 --> 00:34:36,865
- GARY: It's okay.
- VERONICA: You stop that!
748
00:34:36,866 --> 00:34:38,284
He's externalizing. That's okay.
749
00:34:38,285 --> 00:34:40,411
- No, it's not okay.
- He's mad.
750
00:34:40,412 --> 00:34:44,039
You knew I was going to throw that
punch 'cause you're reading my mind!
751
00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:45,124
(DOOR OPENS)
752
00:34:45,125 --> 00:34:47,193
Morn! I'm home!
753
00:34:47,294 --> 00:34:48,752
- Hey, little guy.
- Hey, darling.
754
00:34:48,753 --> 00:34:50,651
- Hi, Walter.
- Hey, Dad.
755
00:34:51,423 --> 00:34:52,820
I missed you!
756
00:34:53,091 --> 00:34:55,489
Walter, your father
has a gift for you.
757
00:34:55,594 --> 00:34:59,119
I have a gift specifically
for you, Walter.
758
00:35:00,015 --> 00:35:01,223
There you go.
759
00:35:01,224 --> 00:35:02,541
Yes, Gary.
760
00:35:07,564 --> 00:35:09,565
Okay, that's actually
for me, Walter.
761
00:35:09,566 --> 00:35:11,859
No, it's not. It's for Walter.
762
00:35:11,860 --> 00:35:13,337
It's a superhero costume.
763
00:35:13,528 --> 00:35:14,845
What is it?
764
00:35:15,113 --> 00:35:17,799
It's "Lace Man."
It's a brand new superhero.
765
00:35:17,824 --> 00:35:20,159
I'm going to be Lace Man!
766
00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:21,994
Look, Ron. Joint
custody isn't easy.
767
00:35:21,995 --> 00:35:26,350
But what we need to do is rally around
this little guy right now, okay?
768
00:35:26,374 --> 00:35:27,833
That's never gonna happen.
769
00:35:27,834 --> 00:35:29,335
- Oh...
- Excuse me?
770
00:35:29,336 --> 00:35:31,712
Because you, Veronica,
are unfit to be a mother!
771
00:35:31,713 --> 00:35:35,400
VERONICA: Need I remind you that you
took that child to a cock fight?
772
00:35:35,425 --> 00:35:37,259
- The game of champions!
- I'm Lace Man!
773
00:35:37,260 --> 00:35:38,862
He had the time of his life!
774
00:35:38,887 --> 00:35:40,804
He came home splattered in blood!
775
00:35:40,805 --> 00:35:43,766
He picked eight winning cocks.
It's never been done!
776
00:35:43,767 --> 00:35:45,559
You have never tried
to connect with Walter.
777
00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:47,003
(IMITATES GUN FIRING)
778
00:35:47,145 --> 00:35:49,480
All right, let's keep it civil
in front of the boy.
779
00:35:49,481 --> 00:35:52,983
It's bad enough his mother likes
to go down on rodeo clowns.
780
00:35:52,984 --> 00:35:55,235
- Okay, you know what, out!
- All right. Get your things! Let's go.
781
00:35:55,236 --> 00:35:56,278
Fine. I'm out of here.
782
00:35:56,279 --> 00:35:58,155
- Don't have to tell me twice.
- Get your things.
783
00:35:58,156 --> 00:36:00,741
- We'll see you guys later.
- Yes, you will.
784
00:36:00,742 --> 00:36:03,577
Goodbye, Dad! Thanks
for the present.
785
00:36:03,578 --> 00:36:06,397
Goodbye, Walter, my little man.
786
00:36:06,706 --> 00:36:08,934
You promise to do
good in school, okay?
787
00:36:09,501 --> 00:36:11,335
- Okay.
- And stay away from the he-shes.
788
00:36:11,336 --> 00:36:12,503
- Ron!
- Down in the Bowery.
789
00:36:12,504 --> 00:36:14,505
Ron, I don't think
that's appropriate.
790
00:36:14,506 --> 00:36:16,340
I'll tell you, those fellas,
791
00:36:16,341 --> 00:36:18,300
they got the looks,
they got the curves,
792
00:36:18,301 --> 00:36:20,153
they got the chi-chi's,
793
00:36:20,929 --> 00:36:22,930
and then at some point
during the evening,
794
00:36:22,931 --> 00:36:24,098
you reach down below the belt
795
00:36:24,099 --> 00:36:25,933
looking to get a little muffellita,
796
00:36:25,934 --> 00:36:29,163
and you get a handful
of the Battle of the Bulge.
797
00:36:29,437 --> 00:36:30,914
You hear what I'm saying, Walter?
798
00:36:30,939 --> 00:36:32,256
Yes, I do.
799
00:36:32,357 --> 00:36:33,816
Ron, it was nice meeting you.
800
00:36:33,817 --> 00:36:36,090
I think it's time for you to go.
801
00:36:36,653 --> 00:36:38,050
Oh, Ron!
802
00:36:38,822 --> 00:36:40,406
You knew!
803
00:36:40,407 --> 00:36:42,366
You anticipated that because
you're reading my mind!
804
00:36:42,367 --> 00:36:43,559
That confirms it!
805
00:36:51,251 --> 00:36:53,460
(SIGHS)
There's Lime!
806
00:36:53,461 --> 00:36:56,405
Look at him. He's a goddamn prince!
807
00:36:56,840 --> 00:36:59,842
Man, there's just something
about him, you know?
808
00:36:59,843 --> 00:37:01,911
I'd give anything to
be friends with him.
809
00:37:02,137 --> 00:37:04,430
I don't see what the
big deal is, you know.
810
00:37:04,431 --> 00:37:05,908
He's not that great.
811
00:37:07,809 --> 00:37:09,126
What did you say?
812
00:37:09,811 --> 00:37:11,163
What's that?
813
00:37:11,187 --> 00:37:12,755
I heard you say something.
814
00:37:12,856 --> 00:37:14,124
Oh.
815
00:37:14,149 --> 00:37:16,710
Oh, what did I say?
Oh, nothing.
816
00:37:16,735 --> 00:37:18,402
Oh, no. I heard you say something.
817
00:37:18,403 --> 00:37:19,820
He said you're not that great!
818
00:37:19,821 --> 00:37:20,964
Brick!
819
00:37:20,989 --> 00:37:22,966
Is that what you said about me?
820
00:37:22,991 --> 00:37:24,638
- He's coming over here.
- I know!
821
00:37:24,659 --> 00:37:26,602
I'm gonna rip this guy in half.
822
00:37:27,287 --> 00:37:29,731
No, no, no! Just give me
a little piece of him.
823
00:37:29,998 --> 00:37:32,124
Uh, Jack, look, it's just...
824
00:37:32,125 --> 00:37:35,669
The guys look up to you so much,
and I just was a little jealous.
825
00:37:35,670 --> 00:37:37,113
I just said some junk.
826
00:37:37,964 --> 00:37:39,298
That's funny.
827
00:37:39,299 --> 00:37:44,621
Aren't you the guy who
lost his job to his wife?
828
00:37:44,888 --> 00:37:46,410
ALL: Ooh!
829
00:37:47,098 --> 00:37:48,871
Shouldn't you be doing her makeup?
830
00:37:50,810 --> 00:37:52,378
(SCREAMING)
831
00:37:54,105 --> 00:37:56,799
- All right, guys, that's enough.
- No, shut up, Freddie!
832
00:37:57,025 --> 00:37:59,860
And you can shut your mouth,
okay, Jack "Lame!"
833
00:37:59,861 --> 00:38:02,589
- Ooh.
- ALL: Ooh!
834
00:38:03,990 --> 00:38:07,826
Yeah. Mr. Butt-Vagina's
got some fight in him.
835
00:38:07,827 --> 00:38:09,787
You listen to this one,
836
00:38:09,788 --> 00:38:10,980
- big fella.
- Yeah.
837
00:38:12,999 --> 00:38:16,694
I bet you that we beat
your ratings tonight.
838
00:38:16,920 --> 00:38:18,629
(ALL LAUGHING)
839
00:38:18,630 --> 00:38:20,923
I'm sorry. I'm trying
to keep it together.
840
00:38:20,924 --> 00:38:23,008
No, no, no. Don't do this.
Don't do this.
841
00:38:23,009 --> 00:38:25,862
You're on at 2:00 A.M.
Jack has prime time!
842
00:38:25,887 --> 00:38:28,831
Maybe... No. Hey, Freddie, no, no.
Hey.
843
00:38:29,474 --> 00:38:32,202
I'll take that bet.
What are the stakes?
844
00:38:32,602 --> 00:38:35,546
If we lose, I'll leave New York.
845
00:38:36,439 --> 00:38:38,462
And I'll never read the news again.
846
00:38:38,775 --> 00:38:41,985
And if by some snowball's
chance in hell.
847
00:38:41,986 --> 00:38:45,155
Mr. Mustache here pulls a
miracle out of his ass?
848
00:38:45,156 --> 00:38:46,591
(SCOFFS)
849
00:38:46,616 --> 00:38:51,017
You change your name
to Jack Lame! Legally.
850
00:38:51,371 --> 00:38:54,941
(CHUCKLES)
I like this! You're on, Stretch.
851
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:56,667
Everyone heard him?
852
00:38:56,668 --> 00:38:58,469
- Freddie, you heard him?
- Yeah. I heard him.
853
00:38:58,837 --> 00:39:01,565
- This is on like Pong.
- RON: Okay. Good.
854
00:39:02,340 --> 00:39:04,488
(CROWD WHOOPING)
855
00:39:06,636 --> 00:39:08,971
Why? Why did you
make that bet, Ron?
856
00:39:08,972 --> 00:39:11,575
We've got the graveyard shift!
We don't have a chance!
857
00:39:11,891 --> 00:39:13,618
- Hey, guy!
- Ah!
858
00:39:13,643 --> 00:39:15,853
This ain't local news anymore.
859
00:39:15,854 --> 00:39:17,422
We shit standing up here.
860
00:39:17,564 --> 00:39:18,711
What?
861
00:39:20,358 --> 00:39:23,712
It's a huge mess,
but damn, is it cool!
862
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:25,797
LINDA: All right, everyone!
863
00:39:26,072 --> 00:39:28,049
Ladies and gentlemen,
864
00:39:28,533 --> 00:39:34,185
today wouldn't be possible without
the visionary behind GNN.
865
00:39:34,664 --> 00:39:36,999
Mr. Kench Allenby!
866
00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:38,898
Yeah, yeah!
867
00:39:40,086 --> 00:39:41,733
Thank you.
868
00:39:42,672 --> 00:39:44,774
All right, cheer.
(SPEAKS INCOHERENTLY)
869
00:39:45,508 --> 00:39:49,595
I am jabbered, just jabbered,
full of beans, no doubt.
870
00:39:49,596 --> 00:39:51,680
Does anyone else speak Australian?
871
00:39:51,681 --> 00:39:53,408
I thought they talked like us.
872
00:39:53,433 --> 00:39:56,537
Can I get you to say
with me, haw-ba-ya-ya!
873
00:39:56,686 --> 00:39:58,913
(SCREAMING INDISTINCTLY)
874
00:39:58,938 --> 00:40:01,023
We can't quite understand you.
875
00:40:01,024 --> 00:40:03,877
How's this? I'm Kench Allenby.
876
00:40:04,068 --> 00:40:05,986
- Oh, yes. That's good.
- There we go! Thank you so much.
877
00:40:05,987 --> 00:40:09,406
I'm Kench Allenby and
you all know my story.
878
00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:10,633
I'm a self-made man.
879
00:40:10,992 --> 00:40:15,412
My late, great father, Vadge
Allenby, gave me $300 million,
880
00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:20,709
and I toiled my whole bloody life
to turn that into $305 million.
881
00:40:20,710 --> 00:40:22,483
True story. True story.
882
00:40:22,837 --> 00:40:24,189
Wow.
883
00:40:24,464 --> 00:40:26,965
But this is 24-hour news station...
884
00:40:26,966 --> 00:40:28,592
This is history.
885
00:40:28,593 --> 00:40:30,802
This is like Columbus
discovering the New World.
886
00:40:30,803 --> 00:40:35,830
And the captain of this fantastic
voyage is the best newsman in America,
887
00:40:36,017 --> 00:40:37,460
Mr. Jack Lime!
888
00:40:38,603 --> 00:40:41,047
Go get 'em, Jack! Go get 'em!
889
00:40:41,481 --> 00:40:44,130
Thank you. And good luck
to Ron Burgundy, too.
890
00:40:44,609 --> 00:40:46,026
Ooh. (CHUCKLES)
891
00:40:46,027 --> 00:40:47,674
Getting nervous there, compadre?
892
00:40:48,905 --> 00:40:50,131
Let's do this.
893
00:40:50,239 --> 00:40:52,616
Did you see that? How he
spun on that desk? So great.
894
00:40:52,617 --> 00:40:54,310
All right. Quiet on
the floor, please.
895
00:40:55,536 --> 00:40:56,828
All right.
896
00:40:56,829 --> 00:40:58,723
All right. We're up.
Here we go, here we go.
897
00:40:58,748 --> 00:41:02,478
In five, four, three, two...
898
00:41:04,045 --> 00:41:06,964
JACK: Good day, and welcome to GNN.
899
00:41:06,965 --> 00:41:10,945
Thank you for joining us on what we
believe to be a whole new era of news.
900
00:41:11,177 --> 00:41:12,469
I'm Jack Lime,
901
00:41:12,470 --> 00:41:16,932
your guide for this journey of
events we humbly call 24-hour news.
902
00:41:16,933 --> 00:41:18,976
Today's top story,
Mount St. Helene.
903
00:41:18,977 --> 00:41:22,104
Oh, this is just a gimmick.
It's a flash in the pan.
904
00:41:22,105 --> 00:41:23,548
We better hope so.
905
00:41:23,564 --> 00:41:25,190
Residents are being asked
to evacuate the area...
906
00:41:25,191 --> 00:41:26,900
Twenty-four hours of news.
907
00:41:26,901 --> 00:41:29,736
How are they gonna keep
coming up with this stuff?
908
00:41:29,737 --> 00:41:33,073
My guess is they'll probably be
scraping the bottom of the barrel.
909
00:41:33,074 --> 00:41:35,826
No, I have a feeling they'll
stick with their integrity
910
00:41:35,827 --> 00:41:38,680
and only report the news
that needs to be reported.
911
00:41:39,122 --> 00:41:40,247
Let's see here.
912
00:41:40,248 --> 00:41:44,398
"Global temperatures rise half a degree,
alarm climate scientists." Boring.
913
00:41:44,794 --> 00:41:47,693
"China could dominate the world
economy in the next decade."
914
00:41:48,297 --> 00:41:50,382
(SINGING) Dun-dun-dun
dun-dun-dun, dun-dun.
915
00:41:50,383 --> 00:41:51,609
Nope.
916
00:41:51,801 --> 00:41:53,010
Anyone else?
917
00:41:53,011 --> 00:41:54,658
What if we show a porno
instead of the news?
918
00:41:54,679 --> 00:41:55,780
Freddie?
919
00:41:55,930 --> 00:41:57,782
No. Absolutely not.
920
00:41:58,224 --> 00:42:00,934
I know. What if we get one
of those wildlife handlers?
921
00:42:00,935 --> 00:42:04,062
We have him bring in,
oh, big game cats.
922
00:42:04,063 --> 00:42:08,442
You know, wild, dangerous tigers and
lions and leopards and the such.
923
00:42:08,443 --> 00:42:12,237
We let them loose inside the studio
with about a dozen chickens.
924
00:42:12,238 --> 00:42:16,158
We play rock music. And we
just call it Let Her Rip.
925
00:42:16,159 --> 00:42:18,160
I'd watch that. I'd watch that.
926
00:42:18,161 --> 00:42:19,578
Let Her Rip?
927
00:42:19,579 --> 00:42:23,248
You're describing the end of
civilization. That's not news!
928
00:42:23,249 --> 00:42:24,916
If that's the end of times, I'm...
929
00:42:24,917 --> 00:42:28,336
I got a front-row seat with a
big tub of buttered popcorn
930
00:42:28,337 --> 00:42:31,465
and a greasy half-live chicken leg.
931
00:42:31,466 --> 00:42:33,925
Okay, so obviously this is
a waste of time. I'm done.
932
00:42:33,926 --> 00:42:35,135
Freddie! Come on!
933
00:42:35,136 --> 00:42:36,704
We're just brainstorming here.
934
00:42:36,804 --> 00:42:39,473
We're trying to figure out how
to make the news less boring,
935
00:42:39,474 --> 00:42:41,747
and you act like we
peed in your milkshake.
936
00:42:41,893 --> 00:42:44,186
The news is supposed
to be boring, Ron!
937
00:42:44,187 --> 00:42:45,880
This is serious stuff.
938
00:42:46,147 --> 00:42:48,545
You're the one that
made this stupid bet!
939
00:42:48,691 --> 00:42:51,943
I just don't know why we
have to tell the people
940
00:42:51,944 --> 00:42:53,967
what they need to hear.
941
00:42:54,155 --> 00:42:56,724
Why can't we just tell them
what they want to hear?
942
00:42:57,450 --> 00:42:59,268
Wait, wait, wait.
943
00:43:00,703 --> 00:43:02,055
Say that again.
944
00:43:02,246 --> 00:43:05,415
I said, why do we have
to tell the people
945
00:43:05,416 --> 00:43:07,610
what they need to hear?
946
00:43:08,002 --> 00:43:10,313
Why can't we just tell them
what they want to hear?
947
00:43:10,338 --> 00:43:12,315
And what do they
want to hear, Ron?
948
00:43:12,465 --> 00:43:15,569
That we live in the greatest
country God ever created.
949
00:43:16,052 --> 00:43:18,621
- Damn straight!
- Made him happy.
950
00:43:18,763 --> 00:43:20,957
And we should do
stories on patriots.
951
00:43:21,140 --> 00:43:24,351
Cute, funny little animals, huh?
Or diets.
952
00:43:24,352 --> 00:43:27,422
Why blondes have more fun.
953
00:43:27,563 --> 00:43:29,397
And serious investigative pieces,
954
00:43:29,398 --> 00:43:31,967
about how much ejaculate
is on hotel duvets.
955
00:43:32,151 --> 00:43:34,402
And only the best
sports highlights.
956
00:43:34,403 --> 00:43:38,007
Home runs, slam dunks,
touchdowns and no soccer.
957
00:43:38,032 --> 00:43:39,383
I like the wind!
958
00:43:39,408 --> 00:43:41,618
Brick's right.
People love hurricanes.
959
00:43:41,619 --> 00:43:43,453
Tornadoes, earthquakes, floods,
960
00:43:43,454 --> 00:43:45,038
we'll throw Brick right
in the middle of it.
961
00:43:45,039 --> 00:43:46,140
You'd do that?
962
00:43:46,958 --> 00:43:48,526
People'll go nuts. I'd watch that!
963
00:43:48,626 --> 00:43:51,795
No, this goes against every rule
964
00:43:51,796 --> 00:43:54,490
of broadcast journalism I know.
965
00:43:54,715 --> 00:43:58,277
Freddie, as the wise man once said,
966
00:43:58,302 --> 00:43:59,619
"So?"
967
00:44:00,138 --> 00:44:02,055
We got 10 hours till we go on.
968
00:44:02,056 --> 00:44:03,453
We'll only need eight!
969
00:44:11,482 --> 00:44:13,334
(SIGNING)
Lady.
970
00:44:14,569 --> 00:44:17,889
I'm your knight in shining armor.
971
00:44:18,281 --> 00:44:20,349
And I love you.
972
00:44:21,617 --> 00:44:25,722
You have made me what I am.
973
00:44:26,581 --> 00:44:29,150
And I am yours
974
00:44:29,417 --> 00:44:31,565
(IMITATES SLURPING COFFEE)
975
00:44:34,463 --> 00:44:36,565
My love...
976
00:44:39,468 --> 00:44:41,912
- Is that candy?
- I don't know.
977
00:44:46,225 --> 00:44:47,747
(COUGHS)
978
00:44:48,060 --> 00:44:49,252
It is candy.
979
00:44:50,479 --> 00:44:52,832
- I like you.
- I like you.
980
00:44:53,608 --> 00:44:55,426
Tell me something about you.
981
00:44:55,985 --> 00:44:59,214
Well, I'm 19 years old.
My middle name is Courtney.
982
00:44:59,322 --> 00:45:02,949
I can always guess how many jelly
beans are in a jelly bean jar,
983
00:45:02,950 --> 00:45:04,427
even if it's not right.
984
00:45:04,577 --> 00:45:06,099
What about you?
985
00:45:06,329 --> 00:45:08,496
My name is Chani Lastnamé.
986
00:45:08,497 --> 00:45:11,316
I'm a real go-getter
and a person people.
987
00:45:11,626 --> 00:45:16,027
I can type 50 words a minute
with only 300 errors.
988
00:45:16,505 --> 00:45:18,632
I'm trained and certified...
989
00:45:18,633 --> 00:45:20,675
BOTH: To fire a military-grade
missile launcher.
990
00:45:20,676 --> 00:45:21,777
Me, too.
991
00:45:22,970 --> 00:45:26,056
Chani, I just got these phone
messages from last week.
992
00:45:26,057 --> 00:45:27,557
You mailed them to me?
993
00:45:27,558 --> 00:45:29,752
How else was I gonna
get them to you?
994
00:45:29,977 --> 00:45:31,686
You hand them to me.
995
00:45:31,687 --> 00:45:32,959
Oh.
996
00:45:32,980 --> 00:45:35,482
You are the dumbest person
I've met in my entire life,
997
00:45:35,483 --> 00:45:37,859
and that's not an exaggeration.
998
00:45:37,860 --> 00:45:39,110
That makes me feel bad.
999
00:45:39,111 --> 00:45:41,321
Well, it's the truth, Chani.
1000
00:45:41,322 --> 00:45:42,969
(GROWLING)
You!
1001
00:45:43,241 --> 00:45:46,220
- Leave her alone!
- BOSS: Excuse me, sir.
1002
00:45:47,119 --> 00:45:50,914
Get your filthy hands off of her!
1003
00:45:50,915 --> 00:45:52,207
- (SCREAMS)
- Help, help!
1004
00:45:52,208 --> 00:45:53,375
Excuse me, sir!
1005
00:45:53,376 --> 00:45:55,627
- Leave me alone, lady!
- Excuse me!
1006
00:45:55,628 --> 00:45:58,481
She is a goddess among women!
1007
00:45:58,506 --> 00:46:00,028
(SHOUTING INCOHERENTLY)
1008
00:46:01,092 --> 00:46:02,444
- Glen!
- (ROARS)
1009
00:46:03,010 --> 00:46:04,719
My phone messages!
1010
00:46:04,720 --> 00:46:06,822
Leave him alone!
1011
00:46:06,931 --> 00:46:08,157
Not today!
1012
00:46:08,683 --> 00:46:11,643
- She has butterflies in her heart!
- Chani!
1013
00:46:11,644 --> 00:46:14,604
I can see you behind that
desk, and you're fired!
1014
00:46:14,605 --> 00:46:15,873
Why?
1015
00:46:15,898 --> 00:46:17,466
(HISSES)
1016
00:46:24,699 --> 00:46:26,346
Are you okay?
1017
00:46:26,867 --> 00:46:28,844
You saved my life.
1018
00:46:29,203 --> 00:46:31,180
She was trying to set me on fire.
1019
00:46:31,414 --> 00:46:33,957
I didn't ask for these powers.
1020
00:46:33,958 --> 00:46:35,526
I was given them.
1021
00:46:35,710 --> 00:46:39,781
Last night a bird chased me,
1022
00:46:40,047 --> 00:46:42,149
and I wished it was you.
1023
00:46:43,050 --> 00:46:44,676
Can we go to a date?
1024
00:46:44,677 --> 00:46:46,529
(CLEARS THROAT)
Yes.
1025
00:46:48,264 --> 00:46:50,037
(BOTH WHIMPER)
1026
00:47:00,735 --> 00:47:04,180
Dear God, please help
me pull this off.
1027
00:47:04,322 --> 00:47:08,616
I swear, if you help me,
I will become a monk.
1028
00:47:08,617 --> 00:47:11,721
I will shave my head
and become a monk...
1029
00:47:12,079 --> 00:47:14,765
Ah, who are we kidding?
I'm not going to do that.
1030
00:47:14,790 --> 00:47:16,124
Oh, did you hear?
1031
00:47:16,125 --> 00:47:18,227
Evan said there's some strange
copy in the prompter.
1032
00:47:18,419 --> 00:47:19,753
(SIGHS)
It's 2:00 A.M.
1033
00:47:19,754 --> 00:47:21,963
It's Freddie Shapp's ass,
not mine. Let's go.
1034
00:47:21,964 --> 00:47:25,785
NARRATOR: People who change history are
rarely aware of it while doing so.
1035
00:47:26,427 --> 00:47:31,533
Ron and his news team simply thought
they were making the news more fun.
1036
00:47:31,766 --> 00:47:36,936
Little did they know they were changing
the course of broadcast history forever.
1037
00:47:36,937 --> 00:47:40,041
Hello, America. It's 2:00 A.M.
Eastern time.
1038
00:47:40,316 --> 00:47:44,171
I'm Ron Burgundy,
and tonight's top story is
1039
00:47:44,320 --> 00:47:45,797
America.
1040
00:47:45,946 --> 00:47:47,844
She's the greatest
country in the world.
1041
00:47:47,865 --> 00:47:49,783
Heck, the history of the world!
1042
00:47:49,784 --> 00:47:50,976
You're damn right!
1043
00:47:51,369 --> 00:47:53,267
(ALL WHOOPING)
1044
00:47:53,454 --> 00:47:56,081
Too much of the news is about
what's wrong with America.
1045
00:47:56,082 --> 00:47:57,123
Amen, brother!
1046
00:47:57,124 --> 00:48:00,103
Well, tonight, our top story
is what's right with America.
1047
00:48:00,544 --> 00:48:02,921
Someone's finally talking
sense on the TV.
1048
00:48:02,922 --> 00:48:05,340
For starters, we kick butt.
1049
00:48:05,341 --> 00:48:07,777
Nazi butt. Russian butt.
1050
00:48:07,802 --> 00:48:09,302
What the hell is he doing?
1051
00:48:09,303 --> 00:48:10,887
He's talking about America.
1052
00:48:10,888 --> 00:48:12,368
Why, do you have a
problem with that?
1053
00:48:12,473 --> 00:48:15,201
Tonight I begin part one
of my 11-part series
1054
00:48:15,226 --> 00:48:18,079
on the power and mystery
of the human vagina.
1055
00:48:18,229 --> 00:48:19,854
This series will be a tasteful look
1056
00:48:19,855 --> 00:48:22,549
at just what makes a vagina tick,
1057
00:48:22,650 --> 00:48:25,151
as well as a look at the
50 greatest vaginae
1058
00:48:25,152 --> 00:48:26,424
of the 20th century.
1059
00:48:26,570 --> 00:48:27,797
Son of a bitch!
1060
00:48:27,822 --> 00:48:29,048
(GLASS SHATTERS)
1061
00:48:29,323 --> 00:48:31,157
RON: One final question,
and I'll let you go.
1062
00:48:31,158 --> 00:48:34,202
Who tops the list of the
top 50 greatest vaginae?
1063
00:48:34,203 --> 00:48:36,454
Well, I don't want to
give anything away.
1064
00:48:36,455 --> 00:48:38,603
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
- I thought I had you.
1065
00:48:38,833 --> 00:48:40,542
I will give you number two.
1066
00:48:40,543 --> 00:48:41,835
- Please.
- Madame Curie.
1067
00:48:41,836 --> 00:48:43,609
Of course. Of course.
1068
00:48:43,838 --> 00:48:45,213
Whammy! Whammy!
1069
00:48:45,214 --> 00:48:47,132
Whammy! Whammy! Whammy!
1070
00:48:47,133 --> 00:48:49,110
(REPEATING)
Whammy!
1071
00:48:54,682 --> 00:48:55,849
Whammy!
1072
00:48:55,850 --> 00:48:57,159
Back to you, Ron.
1073
00:48:57,184 --> 00:49:00,061
The wind is really windy.
1074
00:49:00,062 --> 00:49:02,564
Brick? Brick, can you hear me?
1075
00:49:02,565 --> 00:49:04,292
I can't hear you, Ron!
1076
00:49:04,442 --> 00:49:06,734
Okay, but you're
answering the question,
1077
00:49:06,735 --> 00:49:08,236
so I think you can hear me.
1078
00:49:08,237 --> 00:49:09,404
No, I can!
1079
00:49:09,405 --> 00:49:11,239
Brick, do you think
there is any danger
1080
00:49:11,240 --> 00:49:12,657
to the average person out there?
1081
00:49:12,658 --> 00:49:15,227
I'm afraid for the animals
of New York, Ron.
1082
00:49:15,578 --> 00:49:20,182
I saw a woman, and her dog
never touched the ground.
1083
00:49:20,207 --> 00:49:23,811
You're saying wind gusts as
fast as a supersonic jet?
1084
00:49:23,961 --> 00:49:26,439
It looked like she was
walking a dog balloon.
1085
00:49:26,672 --> 00:49:28,024
And go... Switch.
1086
00:49:28,340 --> 00:49:31,801
And for our eighth and final
animal story of the night,
1087
00:49:31,802 --> 00:49:34,554
it looks like residents
of North Yulk, Montana,
1088
00:49:34,555 --> 00:49:36,055
have found the cutest
little patriot
1089
00:49:36,056 --> 00:49:38,124
on God's green earth.
1090
00:49:38,434 --> 00:49:40,161
(RON LAUGHING)
1091
00:49:41,562 --> 00:49:43,209
Look at that little guy!
1092
00:49:44,231 --> 00:49:47,084
Oh, wow, he was having some fun.
1093
00:49:47,735 --> 00:49:50,570
Well, for all of us here at GNN,
1094
00:49:50,571 --> 00:49:52,405
I'm Ron Burgundy.
1095
00:49:52,406 --> 00:49:54,699
And don't just have a great night,
1096
00:49:54,700 --> 00:49:56,848
have an American night.
1097
00:49:59,914 --> 00:50:01,414
FREDDIE: And we're out!
1098
00:50:01,415 --> 00:50:03,313
Wow! (LAUGHS)
1099
00:50:03,918 --> 00:50:05,585
I couldn't take my eyes
1100
00:50:05,586 --> 00:50:07,188
- off the screen!
- Yes.
1101
00:50:07,421 --> 00:50:09,756
You were electric, Ron! Whammy!
1102
00:50:09,757 --> 00:50:11,633
That just felt right!
That felt right!
1103
00:50:11,634 --> 00:50:12,926
I was outside!
1104
00:50:12,927 --> 00:50:15,345
You sure were, Brick.
Wonderful job.
1105
00:50:15,346 --> 00:50:16,930
BRIAN: Amazing. Great job.
1106
00:50:16,931 --> 00:50:20,786
What the hell was that?
What the hell was that?
1107
00:50:21,185 --> 00:50:22,602
Hey, hey, hey.
Take it easy, Linda.
1108
00:50:22,603 --> 00:50:24,103
We were just trying something new.
1109
00:50:24,104 --> 00:50:25,813
You changed the format
of the entire show
1110
00:50:25,814 --> 00:50:27,632
without consulting me?
That's unacceptable!
1111
00:50:27,775 --> 00:50:30,818
Damn straight, sister. We just
done went and brought it!
1112
00:50:30,819 --> 00:50:33,488
And here's the truth.
You can't handle it, little mama!
1113
00:50:33,489 --> 00:50:36,263
Get out! You are all
terminated immediately.
1114
00:50:36,534 --> 00:50:38,307
If you were a man,
I'd knock you out.
1115
00:50:38,494 --> 00:50:41,246
Oh. Oh, really? Well, go ahead!
1116
00:50:41,247 --> 00:50:43,475
Take a swing! Take your best shot!
1117
00:50:44,041 --> 00:50:45,333
I have five brothers,
1118
00:50:45,334 --> 00:50:47,544
and two of them are defensive
backs in the NFL, so come on!
1119
00:50:47,545 --> 00:50:49,254
- You want me to do it?
- Yeah.
1120
00:50:49,255 --> 00:50:50,838
This thing's not gonna feel good.
1121
00:50:50,839 --> 00:50:51,881
Do it, Ron. Just do it.
1122
00:50:51,882 --> 00:50:54,068
Are you scared? What's the problem?
1123
00:50:54,093 --> 00:50:56,161
Is he a chicken? Are you a chicken?
1124
00:50:56,303 --> 00:50:58,576
- (LINDA CLUCKING)
- (LAUGHING)
1125
00:50:59,557 --> 00:51:00,829
I'm not a chicken at all.
1126
00:51:00,849 --> 00:51:03,184
I'm going to make that
mustache of yours all bloody.
1127
00:51:03,185 --> 00:51:04,582
(CHUCKLES)
1128
00:51:04,979 --> 00:51:06,205
Well...
1129
00:51:06,605 --> 00:51:08,398
Seems like you're buying time, Ron.
1130
00:51:08,399 --> 00:51:09,899
I'm not buying time.
1131
00:51:09,900 --> 00:51:13,570
Ron! Just do what men have been
doing for thousands of years,
1132
00:51:13,571 --> 00:51:15,238
and punch the woman.
1133
00:51:15,239 --> 00:51:16,614
- Punch her!
- You're stalling.
1134
00:51:16,615 --> 00:51:17,699
Punch the woman!
1135
00:51:17,700 --> 00:51:20,770
Here comes the Toledo
Express. All aboard!
1136
00:51:21,245 --> 00:51:22,892
(GRUNTING)
1137
00:51:24,415 --> 00:51:25,892
Ron! No!
1138
00:51:26,333 --> 00:51:27,935
(GRUNTING)
1139
00:51:28,043 --> 00:51:29,562
I didn't do it!
1140
00:51:29,587 --> 00:51:31,109
(SQUEALING)
1141
00:51:31,755 --> 00:51:34,529
Mama, your baby's hurt.
1142
00:51:34,925 --> 00:51:36,467
Your baby.
1143
00:51:36,468 --> 00:51:37,865
(HIGH-PITCHED WHIMPERING)
1144
00:51:37,970 --> 00:51:40,638
What is that sound you're
making? Good Lord!
1145
00:51:40,639 --> 00:51:42,390
(CONTINUES WHIMPERING)
1146
00:51:42,391 --> 00:51:44,539
BRIAN: You sound like a balloon.
1147
00:51:44,685 --> 00:51:46,245
Pull yourself together, man.
1148
00:51:46,270 --> 00:51:47,604
Security!
1149
00:51:47,605 --> 00:51:49,522
They saw my pee-pee.
1150
00:51:49,523 --> 00:51:52,467
The eighth grade
boys saw my pee-pee!
1151
00:51:52,651 --> 00:51:54,611
Did you say they saw your pee-pee?
1152
00:51:54,612 --> 00:51:57,181
RON: In the locker room,
they saw my pee-pee.
1153
00:51:57,406 --> 00:51:59,616
You just knocked him
back into fifth grade.
1154
00:51:59,617 --> 00:52:00,889
Get him out of here!
1155
00:52:02,411 --> 00:52:04,434
KENCH: Bugger me with a didgeridoo.
1156
00:52:04,622 --> 00:52:05,997
We knew we'd struggle to start,
1157
00:52:05,998 --> 00:52:08,625
but these ratings are lower
than I'd even imagined.
1158
00:52:08,626 --> 00:52:10,585
AD SALES GUY:
Thank God for the 2:00 A.M. spike.
1159
00:52:10,586 --> 00:52:12,438
It really saved our whole launch.
1160
00:52:12,588 --> 00:52:14,986
Spike? What are you talking about?
1161
00:52:15,299 --> 00:52:16,400
What spike?
1162
00:52:16,508 --> 00:52:18,635
Burgundy. Who's Ron Burgundy?
1163
00:52:18,636 --> 00:52:20,830
No, no, no, this can't be right.
1164
00:52:22,014 --> 00:52:26,768
His team start at a. 2,
and then they finish at a 5.6?
1165
00:52:26,769 --> 00:52:30,021
That's unbelievable!
They tripled Jack Lime's numbers!
1166
00:52:30,022 --> 00:52:33,296
How is that even possible?
(LAUGHS) Who are these guys?
1167
00:52:33,567 --> 00:52:36,261
They're a local team
out of San Diego.
1168
00:52:36,487 --> 00:52:37,796
You little beauty!
1169
00:52:37,821 --> 00:52:39,764
Well, they no longer work for us.
1170
00:52:41,825 --> 00:52:43,142
I fired them.
1171
00:52:43,369 --> 00:52:48,766
Well, guys, it goes without saying
I owe you gentlemen an apology.
1172
00:52:48,791 --> 00:52:53,711
I dragged you out here and this thing
was a disaster from the word "go."
1173
00:52:53,712 --> 00:52:56,381
No, Ron, don't you
beat yourself up.
1174
00:52:56,382 --> 00:52:58,150
Yeah, it's all right, Ron.
1175
00:52:58,175 --> 00:52:59,447
Gin.
1176
00:53:00,678 --> 00:53:02,720
Brian, any idea what
you might do next?
1177
00:53:02,721 --> 00:53:04,138
BRIAN: Gonna head back to L.A.
1178
00:53:04,139 --> 00:53:05,848
I got a good group of
buddies out there.
1179
00:53:05,849 --> 00:53:08,726
O.J. Simpson.
Phil Spector. Robert Blake.
1180
00:53:08,727 --> 00:53:10,520
Sounds like a fun crew.
1181
00:53:10,521 --> 00:53:12,271
We go out cruising chicks.
1182
00:53:12,272 --> 00:53:14,023
Call ourselves the "Ladykillers."
1183
00:53:14,024 --> 00:53:16,609
I love that name. You should get it
on the back of matching jackets.
1184
00:53:16,610 --> 00:53:18,194
(LAUGHS)
That's not a bad idea.
1185
00:53:18,195 --> 00:53:20,093
(BARKING)
1186
00:53:21,573 --> 00:53:23,471
Uh, guys?
1187
00:53:25,244 --> 00:53:26,596
Hey.
1188
00:53:26,704 --> 00:53:28,681
I got some news.
1189
00:53:28,706 --> 00:53:31,559
Freddie, we don't exactly want to
hear the word "news" right now.
1190
00:53:31,583 --> 00:53:32,875
(SCOFFS)
Yeah.
1191
00:53:32,876 --> 00:53:36,480
You're right. Forget it.
Forget I was even here.
1192
00:53:36,880 --> 00:53:39,859
Forget that GNN wants you back.
1193
00:53:40,509 --> 00:53:44,830
For a prime time slot
and a raise in pay.
1194
00:53:45,097 --> 00:53:48,391
Quit yanking our penises, Freddie!
What's the deal?
1195
00:53:48,392 --> 00:53:50,727
Yeah! Quit yanking our anuses.
1196
00:53:50,728 --> 00:53:53,047
No. I'm not yanking your...
1197
00:53:54,565 --> 00:53:57,442
Your ratings went through the roof.
1198
00:53:57,443 --> 00:54:00,262
People love what you did.
1199
00:54:00,821 --> 00:54:02,822
You're a success!
1200
00:54:02,823 --> 00:54:07,679
Get it? You're a great,
big, fat success!
1201
00:54:08,078 --> 00:54:10,647
By the bed pan of Gene Rayburn!
1202
00:54:10,914 --> 00:54:13,124
It's total crap and they
can't stop watching!
1203
00:54:13,125 --> 00:54:14,250
(ALL CHEERING)
1204
00:54:14,251 --> 00:54:17,211
NARRATOR: The news team
had been famous in San Diego,
1205
00:54:17,212 --> 00:54:20,441
but that was small time
compared to New York.
1206
00:54:20,966 --> 00:54:23,217
This fame was a rocket ship.
1207
00:54:23,218 --> 00:54:27,764
A rocket ship that had free drinks
and topless stewardesses.
1208
00:54:27,765 --> 00:54:29,807
That'll do it for all
of us here at GNN.
1209
00:54:29,808 --> 00:54:33,478
Thank God for the events,
thank me for the news.
1210
00:54:33,479 --> 00:54:35,001
I'm Jack...
1211
00:54:38,025 --> 00:54:39,251
Lame.
1212
00:54:43,155 --> 00:54:45,239
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
1213
00:54:45,240 --> 00:54:46,657
More graphics, all right?
1214
00:54:46,658 --> 00:54:48,326
But there's already a lot.
1215
00:54:48,327 --> 00:54:50,661
Hey, you heard the man.
More graphics.
1216
00:54:50,662 --> 00:54:53,331
Let a citizen ask a question here,
for God's sake!
1217
00:54:53,332 --> 00:54:56,834
Can Father Ron please shut
his mouth for half a second?
1218
00:54:56,835 --> 00:54:58,562
(ALL ARGUING)
1219
00:54:59,338 --> 00:55:00,963
This is against everything
1220
00:55:00,964 --> 00:55:03,216
that I have worked
for my entire life.
1221
00:55:03,217 --> 00:55:04,614
Oh, honey, come on.
1222
00:55:04,760 --> 00:55:06,828
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
1223
00:55:29,076 --> 00:55:31,160
If you're like me,
you need an underwear
1224
00:55:31,161 --> 00:55:33,013
that fits your active lifestyle.
1225
00:55:33,038 --> 00:55:35,832
ANNOUNCER: At finer specialty
and department stores.
1226
00:55:35,833 --> 00:55:38,668
I'm weatherman Brick Tamland,
and I like butter.
1227
00:55:38,669 --> 00:55:42,899
Butter is nutritious
and it tastes great.
1228
00:55:43,298 --> 00:55:45,071
(YELLING)
Butter!
1229
00:55:46,802 --> 00:55:49,387
There's something new on
the New York social scene.
1230
00:55:49,388 --> 00:55:52,181
It's fun, relatively benign
and costs about as much
1231
00:55:52,182 --> 00:55:54,517
as a soda pop at the
local drugstore.
1232
00:55:54,518 --> 00:55:56,018
Here's Brian Fantana
1233
00:55:56,019 --> 00:55:58,312
on why everyone who is someone
1234
00:55:58,313 --> 00:56:00,523
is lighting up to smoke crack.
1235
00:56:00,524 --> 00:56:02,984
Now, Brian, I understand
we have some crack
1236
00:56:02,985 --> 00:56:04,777
and we're going to smoke it
right here in the studio.
1237
00:56:04,778 --> 00:56:06,112
I don't know if we can
get a shot of that.
1238
00:56:06,113 --> 00:56:08,072
What is that? Did you know
they were gonna have that?
1239
00:56:08,073 --> 00:56:09,220
No.
1240
00:56:09,324 --> 00:56:12,535
Now, what you're gonna do is, you're
gonna put your rock in the pipe.
1241
00:56:12,536 --> 00:56:14,996
Is that where the phrase "Put it in
your pipe and smoke it" comes from?
1242
00:56:14,997 --> 00:56:16,497
I don't care.
1243
00:56:16,498 --> 00:56:18,771
- I love it when you do cooking segments.
- Mmm.
1244
00:56:21,587 --> 00:56:23,129
Oh! Oh, whoa!
1245
00:56:23,130 --> 00:56:24,547
You feel that right away.
1246
00:56:24,548 --> 00:56:27,675
Wow, that's good. That's good.
That's an immediate state of euphoria.
1247
00:56:27,676 --> 00:56:31,656
You'll be surprised.
The effect, it happens very... Ohh!
1248
00:56:31,805 --> 00:56:33,681
It's just refreshing.
1249
00:56:33,682 --> 00:56:35,850
They're actually enjoying it.
1250
00:56:35,851 --> 00:56:37,999
Of course they're enjoying it.
It's crack.
1251
00:56:40,480 --> 00:56:42,148
RON: Well, now we know, guys,
1252
00:56:42,149 --> 00:56:44,502
you can't smoke crack
on live television.
1253
00:56:44,693 --> 00:56:46,670
(ALL CHEERING)
1254
00:56:55,996 --> 00:56:57,204
Hey, gang.
1255
00:56:57,205 --> 00:56:59,373
You know what would make
this great day even better?
1256
00:56:59,374 --> 00:57:00,517
What?
1257
00:57:00,542 --> 00:57:02,543
Perms for everyone!
1258
00:57:02,544 --> 00:57:03,691
ALL: Yay!
1259
00:57:13,388 --> 00:57:14,865
(CLEARS THROAT)
1260
00:57:15,515 --> 00:57:17,458
Please come in and shut the door.
1261
00:57:22,230 --> 00:57:24,190
If this is about sweeps, um,
1262
00:57:24,191 --> 00:57:27,109
I think Brian Fantana found
an outstanding story.
1263
00:57:27,110 --> 00:57:29,403
It's about airplane parts
1264
00:57:29,404 --> 00:57:34,575
that are falling off of airplanes out of
the sky and hitting the ground, people.
1265
00:57:34,576 --> 00:57:36,661
We're calling it "Death From
Above." We might do some...
1266
00:57:36,662 --> 00:57:38,355
You. Come here.
1267
00:57:43,418 --> 00:57:45,252
I've been watching you.
1268
00:57:45,253 --> 00:57:46,671
You have?
1269
00:57:46,672 --> 00:57:48,130
(CHUCKLES)
1270
00:57:48,131 --> 00:57:50,359
I've been watching you a lot.
1271
00:57:51,551 --> 00:57:53,260
And you just do whatever you want.
1272
00:57:53,261 --> 00:57:56,013
(CHUCKLES) Well, I'm a bit
of a Maverick, I guess.
1273
00:57:56,014 --> 00:57:57,848
You don't follow the format.
1274
00:57:57,849 --> 00:58:00,327
You pretty much walk around like...
1275
00:58:01,019 --> 00:58:02,541
Like you're king of the world.
1276
00:58:02,771 --> 00:58:05,545
I'm just a worker bee.
That's all I am.
1277
00:58:06,024 --> 00:58:08,001
- You know what?
- What?
1278
00:58:08,276 --> 00:58:09,377
Oh!
1279
00:58:12,823 --> 00:58:14,721
I find it hot as shit!
1280
00:58:14,992 --> 00:58:16,867
Are you going to hurt me?
1281
00:58:16,868 --> 00:58:18,411
Here's the thing, Mr. Burgundy.
1282
00:58:18,412 --> 00:58:21,231
You're a shooting star and
I want to go for a ride.
1283
00:58:21,623 --> 00:58:23,457
God, I'm so afraid right now.
1284
00:58:23,458 --> 00:58:25,543
Now, I want to hear
you meow like a cat.
1285
00:58:25,544 --> 00:58:26,752
(MEOWS)
1286
00:58:26,753 --> 00:58:28,337
(SNARLING)
1287
00:58:28,338 --> 00:58:29,906
(MEOWS WEAKLY)
1288
00:58:29,923 --> 00:58:31,799
Now, I want you to bark like a dog.
1289
00:58:31,800 --> 00:58:34,343
- Bark. Bark. Bark!
- (BARKING)
1290
00:58:34,344 --> 00:58:35,970
Like a puppy. Like a puppy.
1291
00:58:35,971 --> 00:58:37,304
(BARKS SOFTLY)
1292
00:58:37,305 --> 00:58:39,533
- (BARKING)
- (MEOWING)
1293
00:58:39,975 --> 00:58:41,350
(BOTH GROWLING)
1294
00:58:41,351 --> 00:58:42,935
Yeah. Come on! Do it!
1295
00:58:42,936 --> 00:58:45,004
- (SOBBING)
- Mmm.
1296
00:58:45,188 --> 00:58:46,623
Aw.
1297
00:58:46,648 --> 00:58:48,232
Don't cry.
1298
00:58:48,233 --> 00:58:49,734
(BARKING)
1299
00:58:49,735 --> 00:58:51,444
It's sexual and yet frightening.
1300
00:58:51,445 --> 00:58:53,218
- It's an odd mixture.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
1301
00:58:53,947 --> 00:58:55,094
Come in.
1302
00:58:55,991 --> 00:58:57,324
Uh, Linda.
1303
00:58:57,325 --> 00:58:59,393
Excuse me, Linda.
1304
00:58:59,661 --> 00:59:01,871
Ron, Jack wants to know
1305
00:59:01,872 --> 00:59:05,332
if he can go back to calling himself
Jack Lime instead of Jack Lame.
1306
00:59:05,333 --> 00:59:06,935
He's really struggling with it.
1307
00:59:06,960 --> 00:59:09,609
No. Can't. It's a bet.
1308
00:59:09,713 --> 00:59:11,338
Oh, Jesus!
1309
00:59:11,339 --> 00:59:13,066
If you want to change it, you can.
1310
00:59:13,425 --> 00:59:14,633
Like what?
1311
00:59:14,634 --> 00:59:15,801
Art Areola.
1312
00:59:15,802 --> 00:59:18,200
No! No, that's worse!
You know it's worse!
1313
00:59:18,472 --> 00:59:20,890
How about this one?
You can call yourself Dick Fuck.
1314
00:59:20,891 --> 00:59:23,059
Spell it P-H-U-C.
1315
00:59:23,060 --> 00:59:25,162
You'll be huge in the
Vietnamese community.
1316
00:59:25,187 --> 00:59:26,270
Freddie, I can't.
1317
00:59:26,271 --> 00:59:29,250
Listen to me, Burgundy. This is
far from over, do you hear me?
1318
00:59:29,983 --> 00:59:32,177
I'll see you on the playground.
1319
00:59:35,113 --> 00:59:36,556
Well.
1320
00:59:37,866 --> 00:59:43,871
This, uh, meeting has
been very productive.
1321
00:59:43,872 --> 00:59:45,849
You can pick me up at 8:00.
1322
00:59:46,124 --> 00:59:50,570
Okay, I'm very confused
by what's going on here.
1323
00:59:51,421 --> 00:59:52,647
Get out!
1324
00:59:52,672 --> 00:59:54,615
(ALL LAUGHING)
1325
01:00:02,474 --> 01:00:03,641
Oh, Ron.
1326
01:00:03,642 --> 01:00:08,938
Ron, you are missing some real
high-quality Garfield laughs over here!
1327
01:00:08,939 --> 01:00:10,815
I think our boss just raped me.
1328
01:00:10,816 --> 01:00:11,982
What?
1329
01:00:11,983 --> 01:00:13,692
I don't know what happened.
1330
01:00:13,693 --> 01:00:15,486
All a bit of a blur.
1331
01:00:15,487 --> 01:00:19,198
There was hands and hair,
and breath, and lips.
1332
01:00:19,199 --> 01:00:20,908
There might have been
other people, I don't know.
1333
01:00:20,909 --> 01:00:22,284
Sounds like she wants you.
1334
01:00:22,285 --> 01:00:23,410
Hey, man.
1335
01:00:23,411 --> 01:00:25,704
Women have been all over me
since we got crazy famous.
1336
01:00:25,705 --> 01:00:29,476
Not to brag or anything, but I just
gave Florence Henderson crabs.
1337
01:00:29,501 --> 01:00:32,946
That is in no way a brag, Brian.
That's horrible.
1338
01:00:33,213 --> 01:00:36,382
Hey, it's just doing something
beautiful, that two people do.
1339
01:00:36,383 --> 01:00:38,676
Except one of them has
microscopic dust mites
1340
01:00:38,677 --> 01:00:41,053
- all over his penis and testicles.
- RON: I'm just saying,
1341
01:00:41,054 --> 01:00:44,056
the mom of The Brady Bunch
had a fun time with you,
1342
01:00:44,057 --> 01:00:47,309
and then woke up the next day
and realized she had crabs.
1343
01:00:47,310 --> 01:00:50,163
I gave her a whole
Brady Bunch of crabs.
1344
01:00:50,188 --> 01:00:51,564
(LAUGHS)
Sounds to me like it's her fault
1345
01:00:51,565 --> 01:00:53,232
for being a Randy gal.
1346
01:00:53,233 --> 01:00:54,650
I have a date!
1347
01:00:54,651 --> 01:00:56,068
Brick has a date?
1348
01:00:56,069 --> 01:00:57,194
Good for Brick!
1349
01:00:57,195 --> 01:00:58,445
What's a date?
1350
01:00:58,446 --> 01:01:00,948
A date is simply when two
people get together,
1351
01:01:00,949 --> 01:01:02,533
do something social,
have a few drinks,
1352
01:01:02,534 --> 01:01:03,742
yadda-yadda-yadda...
1353
01:01:03,743 --> 01:01:04,994
Take their shirts off...
1354
01:01:04,995 --> 01:01:06,579
(GROWLS)
1355
01:01:06,580 --> 01:01:08,414
- Oh, it's okay.
- RON: No, it's a fun thing.
1356
01:01:08,415 --> 01:01:09,874
It's fun. It's all right.
1357
01:01:09,875 --> 01:01:12,854
Look. Don't worry, Brick,
we got your back, okay?
1358
01:01:13,044 --> 01:01:16,774
First things first, we need to
get you a little protection.
1359
01:01:18,925 --> 01:01:20,242
RON: Oh!
1360
01:01:20,677 --> 01:01:21,949
There it is.
1361
01:01:22,053 --> 01:01:25,097
Brian Fantana's glorious
cabinet of condoms.
1362
01:01:25,098 --> 01:01:28,893
Oh, Brian, I know. How
about The Hooded Guest?
1363
01:01:28,894 --> 01:01:30,871
I like the cut of your jib.
1364
01:01:31,730 --> 01:01:33,564
RON: That one is ultra-ribbed.
1365
01:01:33,565 --> 01:01:36,734
It's like you're wearing an
armadillo shell on your privates.
1366
01:01:36,735 --> 01:01:38,277
It takes two hours to get on.
1367
01:01:38,278 --> 01:01:40,946
It's hooded. She'll
never see you coming.
1368
01:01:40,947 --> 01:01:42,139
Oh, oh. Wait, wait, wait.
1369
01:01:42,282 --> 01:01:43,554
You thinking what I'm thinking?
1370
01:01:43,700 --> 01:01:45,222
"Lou Dobin's Good
Time Weiner Pouch."
1371
01:01:45,452 --> 01:01:46,553
That's a good one.
1372
01:01:46,661 --> 01:01:50,140
Dobin. Just a drifter who loves
to watch people have sex.
1373
01:01:50,373 --> 01:01:51,749
They're made of denim,
1374
01:01:51,750 --> 01:01:53,477
so they look better
after each washing.
1375
01:01:53,627 --> 01:01:55,228
Talk about a great ride.
1376
01:01:55,253 --> 01:01:56,570
BRIAN: I think I have it.
1377
01:01:57,255 --> 01:01:58,380
Po' Boy Condom.
1378
01:01:58,381 --> 01:01:59,924
It's a terrific condom.
1379
01:01:59,925 --> 01:02:03,093
Although it does burn a bit because
it's covered in Cajun spices.
1380
01:02:03,094 --> 01:02:05,721
It'll put a blister
on your po' boy.
1381
01:02:05,722 --> 01:02:08,098
Brian, what's the nickname for your
penis whenever you wear a Po' Boy?
1382
01:02:08,099 --> 01:02:09,475
Fat Tuesday.
1383
01:02:09,476 --> 01:02:12,250
Wait a minute. I've got it.
1384
01:02:13,480 --> 01:02:14,980
- "The Rigid Ghost."
- RON: Mmm.
1385
01:02:14,981 --> 01:02:17,524
Ah, it's the best damn
rubber on the market.
1386
01:02:17,525 --> 01:02:21,425
Hah, I got four of my seven illegitimate
children using this condom.
1387
01:02:21,446 --> 01:02:24,448
Uh, but, Brian, isn't that the
whole point of wearing a condom?
1388
01:02:24,449 --> 01:02:26,392
To not impregnate the woman?
1389
01:02:26,493 --> 01:02:29,437
Well, you know the old expression.
"Nope."
1390
01:02:30,080 --> 01:02:31,602
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
1391
01:02:34,209 --> 01:02:36,669
Thank you, Ron,
and happy St. Patrick's Day
1392
01:02:36,670 --> 01:02:39,213
to all of our Native
American friends.
1393
01:02:39,214 --> 01:02:40,611
On the big map...
1394
01:02:42,509 --> 01:02:43,656
Where's my map?
1395
01:02:44,177 --> 01:02:46,154
There's no map, it's just green.
1396
01:02:46,263 --> 01:02:48,491
No, there's a map there.
Look at the monitor.
1397
01:02:48,515 --> 01:02:50,933
Right. Oh. (WHIMPERS)
1398
01:02:50,934 --> 01:02:52,476
Ron, where's my legs?
1399
01:02:52,477 --> 01:02:54,311
- Where are my legs?
- Your legs are there.
1400
01:02:54,312 --> 01:02:55,959
I don't have any legs, Ron.
1401
01:02:56,064 --> 01:02:58,462
I don't even know how
I'm standing up.
1402
01:03:00,360 --> 01:03:02,027
Brick, your legs are fine.
1403
01:03:02,028 --> 01:03:04,472
The color of your
pants just matches...
1404
01:03:04,698 --> 01:03:06,471
Ron, I don't have any legs!
(SOBBING)
1405
01:03:06,491 --> 01:03:07,638
The Chroma-Key behind you.
1406
01:03:07,659 --> 01:03:09,618
Ninety-three?
1407
01:03:09,619 --> 01:03:12,204
Ninety-three?
(CONTINUES SOBBING)
1408
01:03:12,205 --> 01:03:13,515
Relax.
1409
01:03:13,540 --> 01:03:16,985
(SCREAMING)
1410
01:03:17,502 --> 01:03:20,504
And after I received my Masters
in Journalism from Columbia,
1411
01:03:20,505 --> 01:03:24,216
I got a job with the London
bureau for ABC News.
1412
01:03:24,217 --> 01:03:25,443
Wow, London.
1413
01:03:25,593 --> 01:03:30,324
You're so impressive, and I've only
been out of the United States twice.
1414
01:03:30,640 --> 01:03:32,224
A handful of times in Mexico,
1415
01:03:32,225 --> 01:03:36,626
and then the second time I left the
country, we went to Salem, Oregon.
1416
01:03:36,980 --> 01:03:38,548
Mr. Burgundy, are you nervous?
1417
01:03:38,648 --> 01:03:39,749
God, yes.
1418
01:03:39,899 --> 01:03:42,093
Did I scare you by
coming on so strong?
1419
01:03:42,319 --> 01:03:43,636
A little bit, sure.
1420
01:03:43,987 --> 01:03:46,238
- Look, it's not that you're not attractive...
- Mmm-hmm?
1421
01:03:46,239 --> 01:03:48,341
It's just I'm a
little old-fashioned.
1422
01:03:48,533 --> 01:03:51,386
- Well, I am a modern woman.
- Mmm.
1423
01:03:51,661 --> 01:03:55,857
And let me tell you, when I see
something that I want, I go for it.
1424
01:03:56,124 --> 01:03:57,791
Can I ask you a question?
1425
01:03:57,792 --> 01:03:58,893
Mmm-hmm.
1426
01:03:58,918 --> 01:04:01,521
Is that your foot between my legs?
1427
01:04:01,546 --> 01:04:02,731
No.
1428
01:04:02,756 --> 01:04:04,779
Oh. I'm sorry.
1429
01:04:05,550 --> 01:04:07,118
It was my hand.
1430
01:04:07,135 --> 01:04:08,236
So...
1431
01:04:08,345 --> 01:04:09,706
We're going to do this, aren't we?
1432
01:04:09,929 --> 01:04:13,499
We most definitely
are gonna do this.
1433
01:04:13,683 --> 01:04:17,061
I feel a little awkward,
because I'm...
1434
01:04:17,062 --> 01:04:19,229
(LOUDLY) I'm about to have
sex with a black lady!
1435
01:04:19,230 --> 01:04:21,207
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
1436
01:04:21,483 --> 01:04:22,608
- Mmm.
- That's not the way
1437
01:04:22,609 --> 01:04:24,382
I like to handle my business.
1438
01:04:24,694 --> 01:04:28,799
When I get nervous, I sometimes lose
control of the volume of my voice.
1439
01:04:29,074 --> 01:04:32,678
Well, I don't mind, because
I am going to have you tonight.
1440
01:04:33,036 --> 01:04:36,310
Then let's leave (LOUDLY)
and go have interracial sex!
1441
01:04:38,041 --> 01:04:39,393
(WHISPERING)
Sorry.
1442
01:04:39,709 --> 01:04:41,527
(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)
1443
01:05:20,166 --> 01:05:22,689
This is the nicest soda machine
anyone's ever taken me to.
1444
01:05:23,169 --> 01:05:26,364
The beauty of this soda machine
pales in comparison to your beauty.
1445
01:05:32,846 --> 01:05:34,698
Can I ask you a personal question?
1446
01:05:34,848 --> 01:05:36,700
I'm not sure what that is, but yes.
1447
01:05:36,808 --> 01:05:38,626
Have you ever kissed anyone?
1448
01:05:39,269 --> 01:05:42,589
Do faces on the TV screen and Planet
of the Apes action figures count?
1449
01:05:43,189 --> 01:05:44,499
Of course.
1450
01:05:44,524 --> 01:05:46,108
Then, yes.
1451
01:05:46,109 --> 01:05:48,928
I have kissed Angie
Dickinson and Dr. Zaius.
1452
01:05:50,155 --> 01:05:52,257
I've only kissed
people in my dreams.
1453
01:05:52,407 --> 01:05:57,604
So, I've only kissed a tiny dragon
and a woman with her hair on fire.
1454
01:05:57,829 --> 01:06:02,560
I don't have a lot of experience with
kissing, but I do know one thing...
1455
01:06:02,709 --> 01:06:04,527
Always get your teeth involved.
1456
01:06:05,128 --> 01:06:08,357
I think I'm ready to maybe
try that kiss thing now.
1457
01:06:45,335 --> 01:06:46,982
Hello, Ms. Jackson.
1458
01:06:47,587 --> 01:06:49,030
I didn't mean to scare you.
1459
01:06:49,172 --> 01:06:51,821
Mr. Allenby, I wasn't
expecting you to...
1460
01:06:52,133 --> 01:06:54,361
Yeah, no, I know. Neither was I.
1461
01:06:55,261 --> 01:06:56,929
But then I heard about
this little story
1462
01:06:56,930 --> 01:06:59,954
that Ron Burgundy and Brian
Fantana are running.
1463
01:07:00,141 --> 01:07:02,267
You see, some of the
planes from my airline
1464
01:07:02,268 --> 01:07:04,336
have had parts falling
off them lately.
1465
01:07:04,604 --> 01:07:06,522
Is it a problem? Yeah.
1466
01:07:06,523 --> 01:07:09,593
Is it being fixed?
I don't know, probably.
1467
01:07:09,776 --> 01:07:13,346
But if that story runs,
then Koala stock will plummet.
1468
01:07:13,780 --> 01:07:16,724
We can't just pull the story.
That would be unethical.
1469
01:07:16,908 --> 01:07:20,137
We own the news.
We can do whatever we want.
1470
01:07:20,495 --> 01:07:22,347
That's one of the perks.
1471
01:07:22,580 --> 01:07:26,355
It's called "synergy." One
company working with another.
1472
01:07:29,796 --> 01:07:31,364
To synergy.
1473
01:07:39,514 --> 01:07:42,083
You seem a little
quiet, I must say.
1474
01:07:42,392 --> 01:07:46,213
Just so you know, I'm absolutely fine
with going to this family dinner.
1475
01:07:46,813 --> 01:07:48,586
They're going to love you.
1476
01:07:49,482 --> 01:07:51,755
Mmm. This is delicious!
1477
01:07:53,611 --> 01:07:54,712
So...
1478
01:07:55,280 --> 01:07:56,973
How long have you and
Linda been dating?
1479
01:07:57,156 --> 01:07:58,323
- Mother.
- (CHUCKLING)
1480
01:07:58,324 --> 01:07:59,491
Oh.
1481
01:07:59,492 --> 01:08:01,743
No, it's all right. It's
a logical question.
1482
01:08:01,744 --> 01:08:02,845
Urn...
1483
01:08:03,288 --> 01:08:07,689
Ours is a new love,
but it burns very brightly.
1484
01:08:08,543 --> 01:08:12,546
And it gets hot and
sweaty and stanky.
1485
01:08:12,547 --> 01:08:15,116
There's some stank on that love.
1486
01:08:15,341 --> 01:08:16,784
What... What are
you talking about?
1487
01:08:16,926 --> 01:08:19,636
Let's put it this way,
I be busting nuts like a squirrel.
1488
01:08:19,637 --> 01:08:22,389
Oh, now, we don't have conversations
like that over dinner.
1489
01:08:22,390 --> 01:08:23,473
(WHISPERING)
What are you doing?
1490
01:08:23,474 --> 01:08:26,435
I'm addressing the white
elephant in the room.
1491
01:08:26,436 --> 01:08:29,605
I'm breaking down the barriers
of race by assimilation.
1492
01:08:29,606 --> 01:08:32,083
- That's all I'm doing.
- Well, you're coming off like a jerk.
1493
01:08:32,108 --> 01:08:33,775
I think it's going well.
1494
01:08:33,776 --> 01:08:35,485
LINDA'S FATHER: (CLEARS THROAT)
If you haven't noticed,
1495
01:08:35,486 --> 01:08:36,945
we don't converse like that.
1496
01:08:36,946 --> 01:08:38,923
Okay, okay.
1497
01:08:39,157 --> 01:08:41,009
Look at big papa down here.
1498
01:08:41,034 --> 01:08:43,368
He's saying to himself,
"Shit! Look at this honky."
1499
01:08:43,369 --> 01:08:47,664
"Sittin' at my table, eatin' my food.
In my house? Touching my daughter?"
1500
01:08:47,665 --> 01:08:48,707
I have.
1501
01:08:48,708 --> 01:08:50,417
- I have touched your daughter.
- LINDA: Honey!
1502
01:08:50,418 --> 01:08:52,210
We have done things, Papa.
1503
01:08:52,211 --> 01:08:55,047
You ain't gonna like.
You ain't gonna like it none!
1504
01:08:55,048 --> 01:08:56,673
Oh, my goodness!
1505
01:08:56,674 --> 01:09:01,053
I mean, I'm just a guy
from Terre Haute, Indiana
1506
01:09:01,054 --> 01:09:06,475
with a big ol' dick and a fat wallet
and a spleef the size of a baby arm.
1507
01:09:06,476 --> 01:09:08,560
Just looking for someone
who wants to smoke it.
1508
01:09:08,561 --> 01:09:10,395
Let's get some smoke going
in this place, right?
1509
01:09:10,396 --> 01:09:12,840
This ain't no Super Fly.
What is your problem, man?
1510
01:09:14,859 --> 01:09:18,570
Linda, I don't understand
what you are doing with him.
1511
01:09:18,571 --> 01:09:20,572
Oh, you know what
I'm comin' at you with,
1512
01:09:20,573 --> 01:09:23,847
you big black mother of Linda.
Mix it up in a pot!
1513
01:09:23,868 --> 01:09:26,411
- Makin' it spicy!
- Oh, my Lord.
1514
01:09:26,412 --> 01:09:29,081
- Hey.
- In the back, cooking up chitlins.
1515
01:09:29,082 --> 01:09:31,583
Big ol' titties. Big ol' titties.
1516
01:09:31,584 --> 01:09:33,251
Excuse me?
1517
01:09:33,252 --> 01:09:34,920
- That's my mama, man.
- RON: Hey.
1518
01:09:34,921 --> 01:09:36,963
Wave your hands in the air.
1519
01:09:36,964 --> 01:09:39,257
Wave your hands in the air
like you just don't care.
1520
01:09:39,258 --> 01:09:40,826
Please, don't do this.
1521
01:09:41,886 --> 01:09:43,303
Now, which one of you
pipe-hittin' bitches
1522
01:09:43,304 --> 01:09:45,264
- can pass me the mashed potatoes?
- (ALL GASPING)
1523
01:09:45,556 --> 01:09:47,641
RON: I don't think that dinner
could've gone any better.
1524
01:09:47,642 --> 01:09:48,868
LINDA: (YELLING)
Are you nuts?
1525
01:09:49,102 --> 01:09:51,751
No, I'm not! I had a
wonderful evening!
1526
01:09:52,313 --> 01:09:54,211
My dad was kicking you in the head!
1527
01:09:54,357 --> 01:09:57,275
I thought it was like
being jumped into a gang.
1528
01:09:57,276 --> 01:09:58,795
Only with dinner guests!
1529
01:09:58,820 --> 01:10:01,264
You called my family
"pipe-hittin' bitches"!
1530
01:10:01,364 --> 01:10:05,765
I hate to pin it on you, but
you did invite me to dinner.
1531
01:10:06,369 --> 01:10:07,595
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
1532
01:10:07,704 --> 01:10:09,431
- No, I'm sorry.
- I just...
1533
01:10:09,664 --> 01:10:13,333
I'm just under a lot of
stress because Allenby,
1534
01:10:13,334 --> 01:10:16,563
he doesn't want you to do the story
that you're doing for sweeps.
1535
01:10:17,130 --> 01:10:18,171
"Death From Above."
1536
01:10:18,172 --> 01:10:19,840
It's an excellent story.
Wonderful expose.
1537
01:10:19,841 --> 01:10:21,568
Listen, Ron.
1538
01:10:22,510 --> 01:10:24,612
Have you ever heard of synergy?
1539
01:10:30,518 --> 01:10:33,019
So your morn thought
we should get together,
1540
01:10:33,020 --> 01:10:34,838
spend a little time.
1541
01:10:35,648 --> 01:10:39,378
She doesn't think I connect
with you as a child.
1542
01:10:40,653 --> 01:10:42,972
Can you believe that bullshit?
(SCOFFS)
1543
01:10:44,490 --> 01:10:46,575
Oh! This is hard.
1544
01:10:46,576 --> 01:10:49,850
Things you say to a 6-year-old...
1545
01:10:50,747 --> 01:10:53,790
Oh! Guess what?
I slept with a black woman.
1546
01:10:53,791 --> 01:10:55,792
- What?
- Nothing.
1547
01:10:55,793 --> 01:10:58,253
Dad, do you like Spider-Man?
1548
01:10:58,254 --> 01:11:01,965
Nope. Don't care for him.
Never have.
1549
01:11:01,966 --> 01:11:05,927
Don't like the mask, the costume,
the get-up, the webs. Uh-uh.
1550
01:11:05,928 --> 01:11:09,139
He comes off like a real dickhead.
Real poser.
1551
01:11:09,140 --> 01:11:10,682
What's a poser?
1552
01:11:10,683 --> 01:11:15,645
A poser is Gary.
That's what a poser is.
1553
01:11:15,646 --> 01:11:17,606
By the way, how is that shitheel?
1554
01:11:17,607 --> 01:11:18,799
What's a shitheel?
1555
01:11:19,150 --> 01:11:21,735
A shitheel is a real fun term
1556
01:11:21,736 --> 01:11:24,029
that you should call Gary
every time you see him.
1557
01:11:24,030 --> 01:11:28,033
When he wakes you up for breakfast,
say, "Good morning, shitheel."
1558
01:11:28,034 --> 01:11:30,494
He'll probably give
you $5 or some candy.
1559
01:11:30,495 --> 01:11:32,621
- Does that sound good?
- Yeah.
1560
01:11:32,622 --> 01:11:34,873
You're a shitheel, Dad.
1561
01:11:34,874 --> 01:11:35,957
(LAUGHS)
Good.
1562
01:11:35,958 --> 01:11:39,586
You should just call Gary that.
'Cause it makes him really happy.
1563
01:11:39,587 --> 01:11:42,657
It makes me sort of happy,
but it makes him really happy.
1564
01:11:43,174 --> 01:11:44,992
- Dad.
- Huh?
1565
01:11:45,218 --> 01:11:47,052
Sometimes I hear sounds at night
1566
01:11:47,053 --> 01:11:48,595
and I get scared.
1567
01:11:48,596 --> 01:11:51,473
I think there's a
ghost in my closet.
1568
01:11:51,474 --> 01:11:53,225
Now, you listen to me, son.
1569
01:11:53,226 --> 01:11:57,331
There is no such thing as ghosts.
Case closed.
1570
01:11:57,605 --> 01:11:59,314
So what's real that's scary?
1571
01:11:59,315 --> 01:12:02,510
You really want to know the one
thing you should be afraid of?
1572
01:12:02,652 --> 01:12:04,379
Yes, I really do.
1573
01:12:04,779 --> 01:12:05,904
Voodoo.
1574
01:12:05,905 --> 01:12:08,114
- Voodoo?
- Yes, voodoo.
1575
01:12:08,115 --> 01:12:10,138
That shit will mess you up.
1576
01:12:10,284 --> 01:12:13,058
And it is 100% real.
1577
01:12:13,246 --> 01:12:16,395
Promise me that you'll
never go to Haiti.
1578
01:12:16,666 --> 01:12:18,267
I promise, Dad.
1579
01:12:18,292 --> 01:12:20,603
This was good. I enjoyed
spending time with you.
1580
01:12:20,628 --> 01:12:21,729
Me, too, Dad.
1581
01:12:21,838 --> 01:12:24,273
And hey. Do you want to
go to Haiti sometime?
1582
01:12:24,298 --> 01:12:26,275
- No.
- Good. Good.
1583
01:12:26,384 --> 01:12:28,361
(YELLING)
What did you tell him
1584
01:12:28,386 --> 01:12:30,033
I didn't tell him anything.
1585
01:12:30,137 --> 01:12:32,365
He hasn't slept for four days, Ron!
1586
01:12:32,515 --> 01:12:35,517
Everywhere we go, he asks
me if we're going to Haiti!
1587
01:12:35,518 --> 01:12:36,786
What does that even mean?
1588
01:12:36,811 --> 01:12:41,792
I am so sick and tired that you've
sheltered him from the evils of voodoo.
1589
01:12:41,816 --> 01:12:44,734
You need to learn to connect
with him in a healthy way!
1590
01:12:44,735 --> 01:12:46,945
Let me ask you something, and I'm
not trying to be funny here.
1591
01:12:46,946 --> 01:12:49,595
Are you sure he's not a midget
with a learning disability?
1592
01:12:49,740 --> 01:12:52,889
He is seven years old, Ron.
1593
01:12:52,994 --> 01:12:54,637
- All right.
- Now listen to me.
1594
01:12:54,662 --> 01:12:59,734
He has a science fair tomorrow, at
8:00, and he wants you to be there.
1595
01:12:59,750 --> 01:13:02,478
I will be there. All right?
1596
01:13:02,503 --> 01:13:03,943
Now, who do you have
for sweeps week?
1597
01:13:04,046 --> 01:13:06,339
I'm not discussing work
with you, Ron, okay?
1598
01:13:06,340 --> 01:13:09,050
Just be there at the
science fair tomorrow.
1599
01:13:09,051 --> 01:13:10,152
Fine!
1600
01:13:11,137 --> 01:13:13,179
Well, they're calling it the
interview of the decade.
1601
01:13:13,180 --> 01:13:15,749
Veronica Corningstone will
sit down with Yasser Arafat.
1602
01:13:16,058 --> 01:13:17,142
Yasser who?
1603
01:13:17,143 --> 01:13:19,792
The head of the PLO and some say the
key to peace in the Middle East.
1604
01:13:19,812 --> 01:13:23,462
Of course, Ms. Corningstone
is the ex-wife of Ron Burgundy,
1605
01:13:23,900 --> 01:13:26,253
so you know that's got to be
a little stinger for Ronny.
1606
01:13:26,485 --> 01:13:28,303
Tony Danza's scrotum!
1607
01:13:28,404 --> 01:13:30,822
Well, that'll do it for
all of us here at GNN.
1608
01:13:30,823 --> 01:13:34,159
Thank God for the events,
thank me for the news.
1609
01:13:34,160 --> 01:13:35,762
I'm Dick Phuk.
1610
01:13:39,123 --> 01:13:42,727
We're going to get crushed
in ratings. Just crushed.
1611
01:13:43,002 --> 01:13:45,355
I really thought we had
a chance this time.
1612
01:13:45,713 --> 01:13:47,986
What about my "Death
From Above" story?
1613
01:13:49,133 --> 01:13:51,907
You better ask Ron about that.
1614
01:13:52,762 --> 01:13:54,284
We're pulling that story, Brian.
1615
01:13:54,305 --> 01:13:57,223
What? Why?
I worked hard on that story.
1616
01:13:57,224 --> 01:14:00,727
It was my call, all right, Brian?
Just let it go. It's synergy.
1617
01:14:00,728 --> 01:14:01,895
What does that mean?
1618
01:14:01,896 --> 01:14:03,563
Take it easy, Ron.
1619
01:14:03,564 --> 01:14:05,231
We got further than
anybody thought we would.
1620
01:14:05,232 --> 01:14:06,316
We'll get 'em next time.
1621
01:14:06,317 --> 01:14:09,512
You take it easy!
I'm not in this to finish second!
1622
01:14:09,528 --> 01:14:11,196
I think Champ is just saying...
1623
01:14:11,197 --> 01:14:14,574
I know what he was trying
to say, Brian, okay?
1624
01:14:14,575 --> 01:14:17,410
And it doesn't surprise me
that you guys don't care.
1625
01:14:17,411 --> 01:14:20,139
Let's face it, I'm the
one who gets the ratings.
1626
01:14:20,831 --> 01:14:23,275
I'm starting to wonder what
you clowns actually do.
1627
01:14:23,918 --> 01:14:26,988
Chani likes clowns.
Except for the scary ones.
1628
01:14:27,004 --> 01:14:28,196
Shut up, Brick!
1629
01:14:28,589 --> 01:14:30,691
Just shut up for once!
1630
01:14:31,342 --> 01:14:34,594
(VOICE BREAKING)
Ron yelled at me.
1631
01:14:34,595 --> 01:14:35,992
You're damn right I yelled at you!
1632
01:14:39,725 --> 01:14:41,748
You don't yell at Brick.
1633
01:14:42,061 --> 01:14:43,663
Are you still smoking crack?
1634
01:14:43,980 --> 01:14:45,423
No.
1635
01:14:46,065 --> 01:14:48,008
I only smoked crack that one time.
1636
01:14:49,026 --> 01:14:52,380
That's a lie. I've done
it six more times.
1637
01:14:52,405 --> 01:14:53,863
You made Brick cry.
1638
01:14:53,864 --> 01:14:55,448
(SOBBING)
1639
01:14:55,449 --> 01:14:57,768
You've gone ratings crazy, Ron.
1640
01:14:59,578 --> 01:15:02,580
But seriously, do you have
any more of that crack left?
1641
01:15:02,581 --> 01:15:03,853
You know what, Ron?
1642
01:15:04,375 --> 01:15:06,728
We're a news team,
and that's a bond for life.
1643
01:15:06,752 --> 01:15:08,628
But I don't like the
man you've become.
1644
01:15:08,629 --> 01:15:10,505
You know, we were happy
when you found us.
1645
01:15:10,506 --> 01:15:11,756
Right?
1646
01:15:11,757 --> 01:15:13,466
I was taking pictures of pussies,
1647
01:15:13,467 --> 01:15:16,428
Champ was serving bats to people,
and Brick was dead.
1648
01:15:16,429 --> 01:15:19,389
We took a gamble. Took a
gamble to follow you here.
1649
01:15:19,390 --> 01:15:21,433
But I'm starting to realize,
this was all about you,
1650
01:15:21,434 --> 01:15:23,309
and beating Veronica at all costs.
1651
01:15:23,310 --> 01:15:25,311
Had nothing to do with the news,
nothing to do with the team.
1652
01:15:25,312 --> 01:15:26,396
Brian, don't.
1653
01:15:26,397 --> 01:15:27,981
You know, I might not
be the smartest guy,
1654
01:15:27,982 --> 01:15:30,483
but I know a thing or two
about a thing or two.
1655
01:15:30,484 --> 01:15:32,777
I know that if you're pleasuring
a woman down South,
1656
01:15:32,778 --> 01:15:34,738
you use your tongue to
spell out the alphabet.
1657
01:15:34,739 --> 01:15:37,991
Around the bubble.
Around her bubble.
1658
01:15:37,992 --> 01:15:40,869
- The vulva!
- The Volvo.
1659
01:15:40,870 --> 01:15:44,414
I know that "synergy" is a
completely made-up word.
1660
01:15:44,415 --> 01:15:47,584
I know that washing your
hands is for nerds.
1661
01:15:47,585 --> 01:15:49,627
Especially if you
don't mind pinkeye.
1662
01:15:49,628 --> 01:15:55,201
And I know that, no matter what,
you always stand by your friends.
1663
01:15:55,384 --> 01:15:57,907
You'll have to excuse me, Brian.
1664
01:15:58,429 --> 01:16:00,247
I've got a sore back
1665
01:16:00,514 --> 01:16:04,244
from carrying your ass around
for the last 15 years.
1666
01:16:05,061 --> 01:16:06,538
You know what, Burgundy?
1667
01:16:06,854 --> 01:16:09,939
I think your mouth is writing
checks that your body isn't...
1668
01:16:09,940 --> 01:16:12,213
Can't even... Do anything with.
1669
01:16:14,403 --> 01:16:15,629
(GROANS)
1670
01:16:18,491 --> 01:16:21,390
Fine, go! I don't need you!
1671
01:16:21,911 --> 01:16:24,230
I'll do the news by myself!
1672
01:16:28,918 --> 01:16:31,878
Tonight I interview
Yasser Arafat...
1673
01:16:31,879 --> 01:16:34,040
- This is terrible.
-..the secretive head of the PLO.
1674
01:16:34,590 --> 01:16:36,784
- We're on in 20, Ron, 20.
- All right.
1675
01:16:37,426 --> 01:16:38,527
You ready?
1676
01:16:39,011 --> 01:16:40,658
What's that?
1677
01:16:40,888 --> 01:16:42,097
Oh, that's nothing.
1678
01:16:42,098 --> 01:16:45,668
It's just a car chase on the
satellite feed from Milwaukee.
1679
01:16:46,644 --> 01:16:48,212
You know what?
1680
01:16:48,479 --> 01:16:51,022
Give it to me live to
start the broadcast.
1681
01:16:51,023 --> 01:16:53,626
No. That's not news, Ron.
1682
01:16:53,734 --> 01:16:55,693
Give it to me live, okay?
1683
01:16:55,694 --> 01:16:57,320
And don't question me again.
1684
01:16:57,321 --> 01:16:58,363
Bill!
1685
01:16:58,364 --> 01:16:59,531
NARRATOR: Now to you,
1686
01:16:59,532 --> 01:17:00,824
- the modern viewer...
- Here we go.
1687
01:17:00,825 --> 01:17:03,451
Reporting on a car chase
may seem commonplace...
1688
01:17:03,452 --> 01:17:06,913
- Three, two...
-..but in 1980, it was unheard of.
1689
01:17:06,914 --> 01:17:11,042
Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy,
reporting live from New York.
1690
01:17:11,043 --> 01:17:14,671
We have breaking news developing
in our nation's heartland.
1691
01:17:14,672 --> 01:17:18,383
A high-speed car chase
is in progress...
1692
01:17:18,384 --> 01:17:21,052
Keep the "Breaking News" logo.
Keep up the graphics.
1693
01:17:21,053 --> 01:17:22,137
Reaching speeds of
100 Miles per hour.
1694
01:17:22,138 --> 01:17:26,057
And for the first time in news
history, we will stay with it live
1695
01:17:26,058 --> 01:17:29,727
until it resolves in either a huge
accident or a massive shootout.
1696
01:17:29,728 --> 01:17:30,812
WOMAN: Richard!
1697
01:17:30,813 --> 01:17:33,917
Hurry. Get in here!
There's a car chase on the news!
1698
01:17:34,942 --> 01:17:37,068
WALTER: When is Dad gonna be here?
1699
01:17:37,069 --> 01:17:38,421
GARY: He'll be here.
1700
01:17:38,779 --> 01:17:39,988
Are you a little upset?
1701
01:17:39,989 --> 01:17:45,344
Do you want to do that thing where
we sort of talk about our feelings?
1702
01:17:45,369 --> 01:17:47,513
- Oh, God, no.
- Okay.
1703
01:17:47,538 --> 01:17:51,518
RON: This is the pulse of what's
going on in our country right now.
1704
01:17:51,709 --> 01:17:53,042
Freddie, what's going on?
1705
01:17:53,043 --> 01:17:55,170
Why is there a local
car chase on the TV?
1706
01:17:55,171 --> 01:17:56,818
It's Burgundy. He insisted!
1707
01:17:56,839 --> 01:17:58,715
Can't you see what the
son of a bitch is doing?
1708
01:17:58,716 --> 01:18:00,425
We didn't have a story,
so he made one.
1709
01:18:00,426 --> 01:18:01,994
You can't do that!
1710
01:18:02,178 --> 01:18:04,137
Tell Ron to speculate
who's driving the car.
1711
01:18:04,138 --> 01:18:07,162
Ron, speculate on who's
driving the car.
1712
01:18:07,391 --> 01:18:11,269
Uh, we believe the
driver may be on drugs.
1713
01:18:11,270 --> 01:18:13,897
He's probably 6'7 ", 6'8".
1714
01:18:13,898 --> 01:18:16,542
But a skinny 6'7 ", 6'8".
About 160.
1715
01:18:16,567 --> 01:18:18,902
He may have a hostage or two.
1716
01:18:18,903 --> 01:18:21,051
Uh, we don't know. He could have...
1717
01:18:21,071 --> 01:18:23,990
The phone lines are lighting up.
It's about the chase!
1718
01:18:23,991 --> 01:18:25,513
I've never seen anything like it!
1719
01:18:25,701 --> 01:18:28,953
Mr. Arafat, is there any scenario
1720
01:18:28,954 --> 01:18:31,456
by which peace could be
reached with Israel?
1721
01:18:31,457 --> 01:18:33,857
ARAFAT: Peace is what burns
in my heart. I am committed to...
1722
01:18:33,876 --> 01:18:34,977
What was... Excuse me.
1723
01:18:35,544 --> 01:18:37,191
What happened to the...
1724
01:18:37,379 --> 01:18:39,130
The network cut to another
developing story.
1725
01:18:39,131 --> 01:18:41,132
Some kind of crazy car chase.
1726
01:18:41,133 --> 01:18:43,235
Who covers a car chase?
1727
01:18:43,344 --> 01:18:47,699
I am sitting here with the most important
interview of my entire career,
1728
01:18:48,015 --> 01:18:49,617
and they're cutting to a car chase?
1729
01:18:49,767 --> 01:18:51,351
I would like to watch
the car chase.
1730
01:18:51,352 --> 01:18:52,685
You need to shut your mouth.
1731
01:18:52,686 --> 01:18:54,062
RON: This is extremely gripping.
1732
01:18:54,063 --> 01:18:56,814
Oh! Oh! He just hit a car!
He just hit a car!
1733
01:18:56,815 --> 01:18:58,107
He hit a car! Did you see that?
1734
01:18:58,108 --> 01:18:59,209
- He hit a car!
- RON: Wow!
1735
01:19:00,277 --> 01:19:01,819
- He hit the car!
- He hit the car!
1736
01:19:01,820 --> 01:19:04,715
- When did the news get awesome?
- (ALL WHOOPING)
1737
01:19:04,740 --> 01:19:06,783
RON: And he just loses it! Wow!
1738
01:19:06,784 --> 01:19:09,854
That's exactly what we needed.
It was getting a little boring...
1739
01:19:13,249 --> 01:19:15,693
Hey. You did a great job.
1740
01:19:15,709 --> 01:19:17,728
Thanks, Gary.
1741
01:19:17,753 --> 01:19:19,295
I don't think your dad's coming.
1742
01:19:19,296 --> 01:19:21,319
I'm sorry, honey,
but I think we need to go.
1743
01:19:22,800 --> 01:19:25,028
Stop reading my mind!
1744
01:19:25,594 --> 01:19:26,911
All right.
1745
01:19:27,888 --> 01:19:29,410
(SIGHS)
1746
01:19:30,975 --> 01:19:33,077
I mean, this is what I worry about.
1747
01:19:34,687 --> 01:19:36,938
WALTER:
Did you do that with your mind?
1748
01:19:36,939 --> 01:19:38,064
GARY: No.
1749
01:19:38,065 --> 01:19:39,375
WALTER: Liar.
1750
01:19:39,400 --> 01:19:43,550
We're just getting word that police
have finally apprehended the suspect.
1751
01:19:43,946 --> 01:19:48,722
It turns out that he is an elderly
gentleman, he's 80 years old,
1752
01:19:48,742 --> 01:19:50,803
- and he was simply confused.
- Unbelievable.
1753
01:19:50,828 --> 01:19:52,225
I'm Ron Burgundy.
1754
01:19:52,496 --> 01:19:56,817
Don't just have a great night,
have an American night.
1755
01:19:58,502 --> 01:20:00,400
And we are clear!
1756
01:20:00,587 --> 01:20:01,688
Yes!
1757
01:20:02,131 --> 01:20:03,232
RON: Great!
1758
01:20:03,257 --> 01:20:04,483
All right!
1759
01:20:04,675 --> 01:20:06,743
I don't believe it!
You did it, Ron!
1760
01:20:06,760 --> 01:20:09,113
Oh, my goodness. Thanks, Freddie.
1761
01:20:10,139 --> 01:20:11,865
RON: I don't deserve this.
1762
01:20:11,890 --> 01:20:14,038
It was a team effort.
It really was.
1763
01:20:22,776 --> 01:20:24,503
KENCH: Now, ladies and gentlemen,
1764
01:20:24,820 --> 01:20:29,426
we all know there's one reason
that GNN has gotten to the top.
1765
01:20:29,908 --> 01:20:33,536
And that reason is the greatest
bloody newsman in the world.
1766
01:20:33,537 --> 01:20:35,230
Long may he reign!
1767
01:20:35,372 --> 01:20:37,248
- Mr. Ron Burgundy!
- (CROWD CHEERING)
1768
01:20:37,249 --> 01:20:39,602
Yeah, Ron! Yeah!
1769
01:20:42,171 --> 01:20:44,820
(PLAYING LIVELY TUNE)
1770
01:20:47,676 --> 01:20:49,449
LINDA: Fire it up, Ronny!
1771
01:20:53,140 --> 01:20:55,117
(BAND PLAYING DISCO MUSIC)
1772
01:21:07,946 --> 01:21:09,923
(CROWD CHEERING)
1773
01:21:13,285 --> 01:21:14,577
Let's blaze.
1774
01:21:14,578 --> 01:21:17,352
Yeah. To hell with Ron Burgundy.
1775
01:21:18,540 --> 01:21:20,642
We did it, my onyx hellion.
1776
01:21:23,045 --> 01:21:24,146
You're magic.
1777
01:21:26,382 --> 01:21:28,826
Ron, you should see
what you're doing!
1778
01:21:30,719 --> 01:21:32,492
(CONTINUE PLAYING DISCO MUSIC)
1779
01:21:45,067 --> 01:21:47,010
NARRATOR: In the myth of Icarus,
1780
01:21:47,194 --> 01:21:51,322
Icarus, full of the folly that
comes with pride, flew too high
1781
01:21:51,323 --> 01:21:52,845
and the sun melted his wings.
1782
01:21:54,410 --> 01:21:58,435
Burgundy's fame was bigger
than he ever imagined.
1783
01:21:58,914 --> 01:22:01,142
And the fall was dizzying.
1784
01:22:02,626 --> 01:22:03,727
(ALL GASPING)
1785
01:22:06,046 --> 01:22:07,614
(SCREAMS)
1786
01:22:09,341 --> 01:22:10,988
LINDA: Oh, my God, Ronny!
1787
01:22:11,260 --> 01:22:12,486
Ron!
1788
01:22:12,636 --> 01:22:13,737
Open the bloody gate.
1789
01:22:13,762 --> 01:22:14,804
WOMAN:
Will somebody call an ambulance?
1790
01:22:14,805 --> 01:22:17,158
- Do not die in front of us!
- (PEOPLE CLAMORING)
1791
01:22:17,766 --> 01:22:20,540
Do not die in front of us!
1792
01:22:22,396 --> 01:22:24,105
Stay classy, Ron Burgundy.
1793
01:22:24,106 --> 01:22:26,049
MAN: Somebody call an ambulance!
1794
01:22:37,619 --> 01:22:39,370
Damn it, Milton, what is it?
1795
01:22:39,371 --> 01:22:40,955
BRANGLEY: Well, Ron...
1796
01:22:40,956 --> 01:22:42,729
I, um...
1797
01:22:42,875 --> 01:22:45,460
it looks as if both optic nerves
1798
01:22:45,461 --> 01:22:48,280
are separated from their
respective corneas.
1799
01:22:48,714 --> 01:22:50,908
- What?
- No other way to put this, but...
1800
01:22:51,300 --> 01:22:52,383
You're blind.
1801
01:22:52,384 --> 01:22:54,802
Milton, I'm an anchorman.
1802
01:22:54,803 --> 01:22:58,578
I read the news off the
teleprompter. It's what I do!
1803
01:22:58,932 --> 01:23:00,375
How will I live?
1804
01:23:00,392 --> 01:23:03,245
I'm no career counselor, but there
are many things you can do.
1805
01:23:03,479 --> 01:23:05,664
Be an oracle, or a mystic.
1806
01:23:05,689 --> 01:23:07,356
Clearly, there must be something
1807
01:23:07,357 --> 01:23:10,651
in this new-fangled office
of yours that can help me!
1808
01:23:10,652 --> 01:23:12,528
- Settle down.
- There's got to be something in here!
1809
01:23:12,529 --> 01:23:14,322
- Settle down!
- (SHOUTING)
1810
01:23:14,323 --> 01:23:16,300
Zombies! Zombies!
1811
01:23:16,325 --> 01:23:17,642
Ahh!
1812
01:23:18,577 --> 01:23:21,430
If you get my hands
on me, I'll kill you.
1813
01:23:22,331 --> 01:23:24,040
NARRATOR:
The world of the blind.
1814
01:23:24,041 --> 01:23:28,169
Ron Burgundy, a man who had
flourished in a visual medium,
1815
01:23:28,170 --> 01:23:31,649
had forever entered
this realm of darkness.
1816
01:23:31,840 --> 01:23:34,944
(SINGING)
Always lonely.
1817
01:23:35,344 --> 01:23:37,742
Always looking.
1818
01:23:39,139 --> 01:23:43,961
To get even with the
men who did him wrong.
1819
01:23:46,355 --> 01:23:48,356
That was Billy
1820
01:23:48,357 --> 01:23:50,050
- (BARKING)
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
1821
01:23:50,192 --> 01:23:51,293
Who is it?
1822
01:23:54,071 --> 01:23:56,030
Ron, it's us!
1823
01:23:56,031 --> 01:23:59,408
RON: I'm sure you gentlemen are
famished from your travels.
1824
01:23:59,409 --> 01:24:03,184
I hope you like Triscuits
and some pimento loaf.
1825
01:24:03,372 --> 01:24:05,566
Still hot off the griddle!
1826
01:24:05,791 --> 01:24:07,063
There we go.
1827
01:24:07,501 --> 01:24:09,854
Well, everyone at the station
really misses you, Ron.
1828
01:24:10,587 --> 01:24:13,281
Jack Lime's been filling in for
you since you've been gone.
1829
01:24:13,674 --> 01:24:15,841
You know, he's really not
such a bad guy after all.
1830
01:24:15,842 --> 01:24:17,159
Ha-ha.
1831
01:24:17,177 --> 01:24:19,053
He goes by Jack Lamé now.
1832
01:24:19,054 --> 01:24:21,013
Well, he shouldn't be doing that.
1833
01:24:21,014 --> 01:24:22,741
He should be going by Jack Lame.
1834
01:24:23,058 --> 01:24:24,183
Brick!
1835
01:24:24,184 --> 01:24:25,331
Brick.
1836
01:24:25,519 --> 01:24:27,713
That's checkers and caulk.
Don't eat that.
1837
01:24:28,772 --> 01:24:30,565
What about Linda?
She hasn't called.
1838
01:24:30,566 --> 01:24:31,963
Linda's pretty busy.
1839
01:24:32,276 --> 01:24:34,711
Ron, I'm going to need your recipe.
1840
01:24:34,736 --> 01:24:36,445
So, Ron, what do you do
with yourself all day?
1841
01:24:36,446 --> 01:24:38,322
You're just out here pretty
much away from everything.
1842
01:24:38,323 --> 01:24:40,551
Well, every day begins
about the same.
1843
01:24:40,909 --> 01:24:43,077
I wake-up screaming in terror
1844
01:24:43,078 --> 01:24:45,079
because of the blackness
and I think I'm dead.
1845
01:24:45,080 --> 01:24:46,227
Every day?
1846
01:24:46,248 --> 01:24:48,021
Yes! Every day!
1847
01:24:48,041 --> 01:24:51,353
And then I begin what's
called The Great Adventure.
1848
01:24:51,378 --> 01:24:53,151
Making breakfast.
1849
01:24:53,255 --> 01:24:55,949
I've eaten everything from
nails to drink coasters.
1850
01:24:55,966 --> 01:24:58,634
One time I bit hard
into a marble ashtray,
1851
01:24:58,635 --> 01:25:00,612
thinking it was a savory waffle.
1852
01:25:00,804 --> 01:25:05,224
I wanted that waffle so bad!
Completely shattered my teeth.
1853
01:25:05,225 --> 01:25:07,685
Couldn't you tell the ashtray
wasn't hot like a waffle?
1854
01:25:07,686 --> 01:25:10,209
No! I couldn't! Because I'm blind!
1855
01:25:10,355 --> 01:25:14,275
I'm not blind 23 hours
a day or 22 hours a day,
1856
01:25:14,276 --> 01:25:17,320
I'm blind the whole goddamn time!
1857
01:25:17,321 --> 01:25:20,615
Do you have any idea what it's like
to drink a half a bottle of ketchup
1858
01:25:20,616 --> 01:25:24,516
thinking it was a bottle of
1946 Chateauneuf-du-Pape?
1859
01:25:25,954 --> 01:25:27,306
I even decanted it!
1860
01:25:27,456 --> 01:25:30,708
If you drank half a bottle
of that, that's like...
1861
01:25:30,709 --> 01:25:32,543
That's like nine or ten gulps.
1862
01:25:32,544 --> 01:25:34,211
I mean, you couldn't tell
that was ketchup?
1863
01:25:34,212 --> 01:25:35,671
Did I stutter?
1864
01:25:35,672 --> 01:25:38,758
I'm ba-lind!
1865
01:25:38,759 --> 01:25:40,611
You're having a tough
time, Ron, I know.
1866
01:25:40,802 --> 01:25:42,620
You know what the
biggest indignity is?
1867
01:25:43,138 --> 01:25:44,805
I can't even masturbate!
1868
01:25:44,806 --> 01:25:45,890
Why?
1869
01:25:45,891 --> 01:25:47,975
Heck, one morning,
I spent 20 minutes
1870
01:25:47,976 --> 01:25:52,813
aggressively rubbing my shin,
wondering, "Where's the sensation?"
1871
01:25:52,814 --> 01:25:53,939
"Where's the pleasure coming?"
1872
01:25:53,940 --> 01:25:56,400
You rubbed your shin
thinking it was a penis?
1873
01:25:56,401 --> 01:25:57,962
I know you think I'm
stupid, don't you?
1874
01:25:58,612 --> 01:26:01,030
The weirdo who lives
in the weird lighthouse
1875
01:26:01,031 --> 01:26:02,365
in the middle of nowhere.
1876
01:26:02,366 --> 01:26:04,784
Ron, it was your choice to
live in a "weird lighthouse."
1877
01:26:04,785 --> 01:26:06,182
You know why I live here?
1878
01:26:06,370 --> 01:26:10,316
Let me say it real
slow and real loud.
1879
01:26:10,999 --> 01:26:12,875
I'm
1880
01:26:12,876 --> 01:26:15,650
blind!
1881
01:26:16,546 --> 01:26:18,172
I guess we should get out of here.
1882
01:26:18,173 --> 01:26:19,695
Maybe you should go. Yes.
1883
01:26:20,008 --> 01:26:21,735
Why don't you guys get out of here!
1884
01:26:22,135 --> 01:26:24,720
Despite my complete
and utter isolation,
1885
01:26:24,721 --> 01:26:27,950
your gentlemen's visit has
actually made it worse!
1886
01:26:35,524 --> 01:26:37,046
Goodbye, Ron.
1887
01:26:39,194 --> 01:26:40,295
What?
1888
01:26:41,154 --> 01:26:42,354
- No, don't go!
- (DOOR CLOSES)
1889
01:26:42,656 --> 01:26:46,886
Please! Wait! I'm all alone!
Come back!
1890
01:26:51,748 --> 01:26:54,397
Wait! Come back!
1891
01:26:55,210 --> 01:26:57,028
Come back!
1892
01:26:57,587 --> 01:26:59,815
(SOBBING)
1893
01:27:00,173 --> 01:27:01,820
I'm alone!
1894
01:27:02,592 --> 01:27:06,492
Why have you done this
to me, God? Why?
1895
01:27:07,139 --> 01:27:10,960
Couldn't you have cured a sick
child or created a new animal?
1896
01:27:11,101 --> 01:27:14,979
But, no, you had to make
Ron Burgundy blind!
1897
01:27:14,980 --> 01:27:16,188
(SOBBING)
1898
01:27:16,189 --> 01:27:17,690
VERONICA: Well, I never
thought that I would see
1899
01:27:17,691 --> 01:27:21,277
the Ron Burgundy full
of so much self-pity.
1900
01:27:21,278 --> 01:27:24,177
Who is it? What is that noise?
1901
01:27:24,406 --> 01:27:25,507
Take my hand.
1902
01:27:26,116 --> 01:27:27,533
I can't see it!
1903
01:27:27,534 --> 01:27:28,851
Reach for it, Ron!
1904
01:27:29,244 --> 01:27:31,597
You have to learn to
do for yourself now.
1905
01:27:32,372 --> 01:27:34,290
All right. This... Okay.
Here we go.
1906
01:27:34,291 --> 01:27:35,688
Get up. There we go.
1907
01:27:38,295 --> 01:27:39,772
Cher, is that you?
1908
01:27:39,796 --> 01:27:41,648
You can't recognize me by my voice?
1909
01:27:42,132 --> 01:27:43,779
Jan-Michael Vincent?
1910
01:27:44,092 --> 01:27:45,193
Really?
1911
01:27:45,510 --> 01:27:48,095
Every news station is
copying what you did, Ron.
1912
01:27:48,096 --> 01:27:53,418
All the stories are about animals,
or car chases or strip clubs.
1913
01:27:53,602 --> 01:27:56,080
The genie has been let
out of the bottle,
1914
01:27:56,480 --> 01:27:58,833
and old Ron Burgundy
popped the cork.
1915
01:27:58,857 --> 01:28:01,506
- That's why I quit WBC News.
- What?
1916
01:28:01,526 --> 01:28:03,861
There's no real news
being reported out there.
1917
01:28:03,862 --> 01:28:05,305
It's just all about ratings.
1918
01:28:05,489 --> 01:28:06,932
Veronica.
1919
01:28:07,365 --> 01:28:08,762
Why are you here?
1920
01:28:08,784 --> 01:28:10,602
I'm here for our son, Ron.
1921
01:28:10,827 --> 01:28:12,328
Walter needs you.
1922
01:28:12,329 --> 01:28:16,290
I need you to start taking
responsibility for him and for yourself.
1923
01:28:16,291 --> 01:28:18,250
Do you realize you're
talking to a man
1924
01:28:18,251 --> 01:28:22,197
who just this morning tried to brush
his teeth with a live lobster?
1925
01:28:22,297 --> 01:28:23,569
What?
1926
01:28:24,633 --> 01:28:26,592
You would've known the second
that you touched it...
1927
01:28:26,593 --> 01:28:29,663
I'm just saying it's not
going to be a cakewalk.
1928
01:28:29,971 --> 01:28:32,415
Well, then we best get to it.
1929
01:28:32,849 --> 01:28:34,121
Now, drink your tea.
1930
01:28:34,601 --> 01:28:36,544
- Oh!
- (CUP SHATTERS)
1931
01:28:38,396 --> 01:28:39,814
Let me get a sponge. I'll get it.
1932
01:28:39,815 --> 01:28:41,982
All right. No, no, just stay there.
1933
01:28:41,983 --> 01:28:44,131
I'll have it cleaned up in a jiffy.
1934
01:28:54,663 --> 01:28:55,955
Let's try this again.
1935
01:28:55,956 --> 01:28:57,603
- Did you throw it?
- Yes, I threw it.
1936
01:28:57,791 --> 01:28:59,518
Just remember the curves.
1937
01:28:59,709 --> 01:29:00,751
The curves.
1938
01:29:00,752 --> 01:29:02,900
- The green eyes.
- Green eyes.
1939
01:29:03,004 --> 01:29:05,027
You have to use your
other senses now!
1940
01:29:05,257 --> 01:29:07,030
I can't do it!
1941
01:29:07,968 --> 01:29:11,368
- (BAXTER BARKING)
- Baxter found something on the beach!
1942
01:29:11,721 --> 01:29:13,164
Ron, be careful!
1943
01:29:13,181 --> 01:29:15,204
- (BARKING)
- RON: It's okay!
1944
01:29:15,392 --> 01:29:19,463
- Walter, what is it?
- It's some kind of fish!
1945
01:29:20,355 --> 01:29:21,897
Oh, my goodness!
1946
01:29:21,898 --> 01:29:23,858
If he stays tangled in this net,
1947
01:29:23,859 --> 01:29:25,506
he's not going to survive.
1948
01:29:25,527 --> 01:29:27,550
Walter, sweetheart, it's a shark.
1949
01:29:27,696 --> 01:29:28,843
Son.
1950
01:29:29,281 --> 01:29:32,055
Don't you worry,
we won't let this fellow die.
1951
01:29:32,284 --> 01:29:34,227
We'll do it together, Dad.
1952
01:29:38,748 --> 01:29:41,166
RON: That should keep him in
there until he's strong enough
1953
01:29:41,167 --> 01:29:42,894
to swim out to the deep ocean.
1954
01:29:43,128 --> 01:29:44,295
Can I name him?
1955
01:29:44,296 --> 01:29:46,114
Of course you can, son.
1956
01:29:46,214 --> 01:29:49,300
What about Crackers?
1957
01:29:49,301 --> 01:29:51,635
Give me a goddamned break.
1958
01:29:51,636 --> 01:29:55,264
Seriously, you've got one of the
most vicious predators in the ocean,
1959
01:29:55,265 --> 01:29:56,849
you're gonna name him "Crackers"?
1960
01:29:56,850 --> 01:30:02,146
In the future when you say I can name
something, don't be a dick about it.
1961
01:30:02,147 --> 01:30:04,982
Why don't we do this?
Let's name him Doby.
1962
01:30:04,983 --> 01:30:09,194
You talk all that smack and that's
the best name you come up with?
1963
01:30:09,195 --> 01:30:11,322
Well, we're not gonna get
any better than that.
1964
01:30:11,323 --> 01:30:15,743
I mean, you obviously can't name
him anything that sounds good.
1965
01:30:15,744 --> 01:30:20,539
How about we forget about this whole
name thing and you go straight to hell?
1966
01:30:20,540 --> 01:30:22,291
Well, I don't know what to do.
1967
01:30:22,292 --> 01:30:25,836
We might as well poison the
water and let him die.
1968
01:30:25,837 --> 01:30:28,505
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's just go with Doby.
1969
01:30:28,506 --> 01:30:31,091
Fine, then it's settled. It's Doby.
1970
01:30:31,092 --> 01:30:35,179
We'll call him Doby even
though no one likes it.
1971
01:30:35,180 --> 01:30:37,248
All right, I can live with that.
1972
01:30:37,432 --> 01:30:38,749
- (BARKING)
- (RON LAUGHS)
1973
01:30:39,100 --> 01:30:42,704
Don't worry, Baxter. We won't
feed him your dog food.
1974
01:30:42,938 --> 01:30:44,665
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1975
01:30:47,734 --> 01:30:50,804
NARRATOR: Even though Ron
Burgundy had lost his sight,
1976
01:30:50,820 --> 01:30:52,863
he had never seen so clearly.
1977
01:30:52,864 --> 01:30:54,573
(GASPS)
You did it!
1978
01:30:54,574 --> 01:30:59,305
NARRATOR: And with every inch
Doby grew, so did Ron's heart.
1979
01:31:10,215 --> 01:31:12,659
It's just a bunch of
crazy lines, isn't it?
1980
01:31:12,801 --> 01:31:15,871
No. It's beautiful.
1981
01:31:16,972 --> 01:31:18,870
It's beautiful.
1982
01:31:33,279 --> 01:31:35,114
What about Gary?
1983
01:31:35,115 --> 01:31:36,888
We split up two weeks ago.
1984
01:31:36,992 --> 01:31:40,016
He was too emotionally stable.
It was so annoying!
1985
01:31:40,286 --> 01:31:43,686
NARRATOR: And so, just like
the passing of the seasons,
1986
01:31:43,832 --> 01:31:45,916
it came time for Doby to return
1987
01:31:45,917 --> 01:31:48,361
to the deep waters he
was meant to call home.
1988
01:31:48,545 --> 01:31:50,488
I hear his tail splashing!
1989
01:31:50,630 --> 01:31:52,482
He's actually swimming away!
1990
01:31:52,590 --> 01:31:54,859
Is he looking back for
us over his shoulder?
1991
01:31:54,884 --> 01:31:56,677
Sharks don't have shoulders, Ron.
1992
01:31:56,678 --> 01:31:58,178
No, he just swam away,
1993
01:31:58,179 --> 01:32:00,702
and he's instantly
looking for fish to eat.
1994
01:32:01,099 --> 01:32:03,497
He was my best friend.
1995
01:32:04,436 --> 01:32:06,038
You.
1996
01:32:06,229 --> 01:32:08,548
Swam with strength.
1997
01:32:10,233 --> 01:32:11,801
You.
1998
01:32:12,110 --> 01:32:15,089
Loved with grace.
1999
01:32:16,114 --> 01:32:19,718
You touched us all.
2000
01:32:20,076 --> 01:32:23,055
With your expressionless.
2001
01:32:23,079 --> 01:32:25,307
Face.
2002
01:32:27,459 --> 01:32:29,687
Doby, oh, Doby.
2003
01:32:29,961 --> 01:32:33,656
May you find many treasures.
2004
01:32:33,882 --> 01:32:38,203
Both emotional and monetary.
2005
01:32:39,596 --> 01:32:42,848
You were wise and loving
2006
01:32:42,849 --> 01:32:46,169
and never contrary.
2007
01:32:46,394 --> 01:32:48,246
Doby.
2008
01:32:48,480 --> 01:32:50,924
Oh, Doby.
2009
01:32:51,274 --> 01:32:53,968
I'll never forget thee.
2010
01:32:57,822 --> 01:32:59,674
CHORUS: Doby.
2011
01:32:59,824 --> 01:33:02,510
Oh, Doby.
2012
01:33:02,535 --> 01:33:05,388
I'll never forget thee.
2013
01:33:09,501 --> 01:33:12,169
Promise you'll always
be there for me, Dad?
2014
01:33:12,170 --> 01:33:13,647
I promise.
2015
01:33:13,838 --> 01:33:15,798
If I say I'll be there for you,
2016
01:33:15,799 --> 01:33:18,368
there's nothing on God's
earth that will stop me.
2017
01:33:18,510 --> 01:33:20,028
I love you, Dad.
2018
01:33:20,053 --> 01:33:22,576
Let's get back up to the
lighthouse, all right?
2019
01:33:22,597 --> 01:33:24,165
- Come on.
- Okay.
2020
01:33:24,682 --> 01:33:25,954
Let's go.
2021
01:33:26,851 --> 01:33:31,081
I hope you eat lots of fish
and people, Doby.
2022
01:33:36,694 --> 01:33:37,861
Oh, there you are.
2023
01:33:37,862 --> 01:33:41,323
I found the most beautiful
clams down by the estuary.
2024
01:33:41,324 --> 01:33:43,450
I thought we could
steam them up tonight
2025
01:33:43,451 --> 01:33:45,770
with a nice butter sauce
2026
01:33:46,037 --> 01:33:47,889
and some wine.
2027
01:33:47,914 --> 01:33:49,015
(SIGHS)
2028
01:33:49,207 --> 01:33:50,399
Veronica.
2029
01:33:50,625 --> 01:33:52,227
Yes, Ron?
2030
01:33:52,669 --> 01:33:54,316
Can you explain this?
2031
01:33:56,089 --> 01:33:57,214
(BEEPS)
2032
01:33:57,215 --> 01:34:00,509
Ron, this is Dr. Brangley.
I've left dozens of messages.
2033
01:34:00,510 --> 01:34:02,344
Somehow, they must
be getting erased.
2034
01:34:02,345 --> 01:34:06,621
But there is a procedure that
can possibly return your sight.
2035
01:34:06,891 --> 01:34:09,619
Please get back to me
if you're interested. (BEEPS)
2036
01:34:09,853 --> 01:34:13,248
Well? Have you been
erasing these messages?
2037
01:34:13,273 --> 01:34:16,066
Yes. Ron, just let me explain.
2038
01:34:16,067 --> 01:34:17,234
How could you?
2039
01:34:17,235 --> 01:34:20,154
We've never been this happy,
and I just thought that...
2040
01:34:20,155 --> 01:34:21,947
Thought that if I could see again,
2041
01:34:21,948 --> 01:34:24,342
that somehow I couldn't
love you and Walter anymore?
2042
01:34:24,367 --> 01:34:25,951
- Yes!
- (GROWLS)
2043
01:34:25,952 --> 01:34:30,102
Damn you, woman! (YELLING)
(SCREAMS) You lied to me!
2044
01:34:30,999 --> 01:34:32,851
I gave you everything!
2045
01:34:32,876 --> 01:34:36,150
I gave you my heart, my smile,
2046
01:34:37,088 --> 01:34:38,440
my seed.
2047
01:34:39,007 --> 01:34:40,359
And you lied to me.
2048
01:34:40,383 --> 01:34:41,842
- WALTER: Dad!
- Sweetheart.
2049
01:34:41,843 --> 01:34:43,411
No! Dad!
2050
01:34:43,553 --> 01:34:45,405
Don't leave, Dad!
2051
01:34:45,889 --> 01:34:47,366
- Dad!
- Walter, just...
2052
01:34:47,724 --> 01:34:48,891
Sweetheart, we have to let him go.
2053
01:34:48,892 --> 01:34:50,017
(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
2054
01:34:50,018 --> 01:34:51,836
He needs to go free.
2055
01:34:52,729 --> 01:34:54,297
Just like Doby.
2056
01:34:54,731 --> 01:34:57,065
He'll be back. He promised.
2057
01:34:57,066 --> 01:34:58,338
(CAR CRASHING)
2058
01:34:58,610 --> 01:35:02,029
RON: Could you please call me
a damn cab? I'm blind!
2059
01:35:02,030 --> 01:35:03,131
Of course!
2060
01:35:03,907 --> 01:35:06,931
BRANGLEY:
Ron, the operation was a success.
2061
01:35:07,285 --> 01:35:10,389
But we won't know for sure
until we remove the bandages.
2062
01:35:16,628 --> 01:35:18,071
Well?
2063
01:35:18,254 --> 01:35:19,526
Yes.
2064
01:35:20,089 --> 01:35:21,236
I can see.
2065
01:35:22,800 --> 01:35:25,153
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
2066
01:35:25,386 --> 01:35:29,073
Oh, God, oh, God.
It's Ron Burgundy, everyone!
2067
01:35:29,098 --> 01:35:30,791
You are my inspiration.
2068
01:35:30,808 --> 01:35:32,660
Oh, well, thank you.
2069
01:35:33,811 --> 01:35:34,958
Welcome back, Ron.
2070
01:35:35,104 --> 01:35:36,797
Thanks. Thanks, Bri-man.
2071
01:35:37,190 --> 01:35:38,633
Good luck in Vietnam.
2072
01:35:39,275 --> 01:35:40,752
Brick.
2073
01:35:40,777 --> 01:35:42,110
Brick and I are having a baby!
2074
01:35:42,111 --> 01:35:43,630
We're gonna name him
Tortilla Jackson.
2075
01:35:43,655 --> 01:35:45,489
- All right.
- I'm 22 months pregnant.
2076
01:35:45,490 --> 01:35:46,698
KENCH:
Well, get over here, you bastard.
2077
01:35:46,699 --> 01:35:48,016
Got you a drink, Ron. Come on.
2078
01:35:48,993 --> 01:35:52,768
Uh, hold on to that drink.
I just want to grab some air.
2079
01:35:55,959 --> 01:35:57,231
(SIGHS)
2080
01:35:57,543 --> 01:35:58,645
(DOOR OPENING)
2081
01:35:58,670 --> 01:35:59,817
(EXHALES)
2082
01:36:04,634 --> 01:36:06,236
How you doing there?
2083
01:36:07,136 --> 01:36:08,279
Oh.
2084
01:36:08,304 --> 01:36:11,157
I'm fine. Just, uh...
(CHUCKLES)
2085
01:36:11,891 --> 01:36:13,493
Just a lot of people in there.
2086
01:36:13,685 --> 01:36:17,830
Listen, Ron, I'm sorry that
I never called or visited.
2087
01:36:17,855 --> 01:36:19,753
There's no need to explain.
2088
01:36:20,066 --> 01:36:21,441
But, listen, I mean, you're back.
2089
01:36:21,442 --> 01:36:22,543
VERONICA: Hello, Ron.
2090
01:36:23,945 --> 01:36:25,217
What are you doing here?
2091
01:36:25,363 --> 01:36:28,512
I had to come tell you
something very important.
2092
01:36:30,410 --> 01:36:31,887
You must be Linda Jackson.
2093
01:36:32,036 --> 01:36:33,537
You must be Veronica.
2094
01:36:33,538 --> 01:36:35,106
Yes, I am. It's a pleasure.
2095
01:36:35,206 --> 01:36:36,957
This is a touching moment for me.
2096
01:36:36,958 --> 01:36:39,042
Please, don't take
this the wrong way,
2097
01:36:39,043 --> 01:36:41,461
but if you touch Ron again,
2098
01:36:41,462 --> 01:36:44,031
I will shoot you in the
cooch with a B.B. gun.
2099
01:36:44,924 --> 01:36:46,466
Oh! You can talk big all you want,
2100
01:36:46,467 --> 01:36:49,028
but guess what, this
kitten's got claws, bitch.
2101
01:36:49,053 --> 01:36:50,846
- (RON CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
- Don't mess with me, Linda,
2102
01:36:50,847 --> 01:36:54,076
because this "White Thunder"
rolls deep and it rolls nasty.
2103
01:36:54,183 --> 01:36:55,809
I was feeling a little bit down,
2104
01:36:55,810 --> 01:36:58,038
but this is definitely
picking up my mood.
2105
01:36:58,062 --> 01:37:00,272
Well, I guess I'll
leave you two alone.
2106
01:37:00,273 --> 01:37:03,377
And it's been an absolute
pleasure, Ms. Corningstone.
2107
01:37:03,484 --> 01:37:04,568
This has been great.
2108
01:37:04,569 --> 01:37:06,445
Do you guys want to
kiss real quick?
2109
01:37:06,446 --> 01:37:08,423
Ron. Read the room.
2110
01:37:08,614 --> 01:37:10,136
I'll take that as a no.
2111
01:37:10,742 --> 01:37:12,594
Bye, Linda.
2112
01:37:13,036 --> 01:37:15,230
I know why you haven't been
returning my messages.
2113
01:37:15,246 --> 01:37:19,499
I wasn't calling for me, I was calling
because Walter has a piano recital
2114
01:37:19,500 --> 01:37:22,377
in half an hour at the Tishman
School on 65th Street.
2115
01:37:22,378 --> 01:37:24,981
And he wrote a piece for you, Ron.
2116
01:37:25,089 --> 01:37:26,965
Aw, Walter.
2117
01:37:26,966 --> 01:37:29,968
It would mean the absolute
world to him to have you there.
2118
01:37:29,969 --> 01:37:33,323
Ron, I just got a call
from the control room! Oh, big fan.
2119
01:37:34,098 --> 01:37:37,559
Actress Sheila Blackledge,
the mom from the hit sitcom.
2120
01:37:37,560 --> 01:37:39,708
Four's a Family, Five's a Crowd,
2121
01:37:39,729 --> 01:37:42,272
she just found out her
husband cheated on her
2122
01:37:42,273 --> 01:37:45,217
and she severed his
penis while he slept!
2123
01:37:45,234 --> 01:37:46,381
Oh, my goodness.
2124
01:37:46,402 --> 01:37:50,113
The police arrived.
She fled in her white Bronco,
2125
01:37:50,114 --> 01:37:53,742
and now they're engaged
in a high-speed car chase!
2126
01:37:53,743 --> 01:37:55,952
We've got an exclusive
on the live feed,
2127
01:37:55,953 --> 01:37:58,021
but we've got to go, right now!
2128
01:37:58,039 --> 01:38:01,359
Ron, this can be your comeback.
2129
01:38:01,584 --> 01:38:03,937
- Veronica, I...
- No, Ron. No.
2130
01:38:04,754 --> 01:38:06,731
That will get sky-high ratings.
2131
01:38:07,215 --> 01:38:10,319
- Walter will understand.
- Walter will understand.
2132
01:38:10,760 --> 01:38:11,952
Go.
2133
01:38:12,595 --> 01:38:14,280
FREDDIE: Come on, Ron. Priorities!
2134
01:38:14,305 --> 01:38:16,248
- RON: Veronica!
- Come on!
2135
01:38:18,267 --> 01:38:20,102
- LINDA: Can you hear me?
- Yes, yes.
2136
01:38:20,103 --> 01:38:21,436
You're coming in loud and clear.
2137
01:38:21,437 --> 01:38:22,979
You're back and you get this story.
2138
01:38:22,980 --> 01:38:24,940
- This is gonna be huge.
- Right.
2139
01:38:24,941 --> 01:38:26,775
So, is it good to be back home?
2140
01:38:26,776 --> 01:38:28,235
Um, yeah, I feel good.
2141
01:38:28,236 --> 01:38:29,694
- God, look at him.
- (LAUGHING)
2142
01:38:29,695 --> 01:38:31,263
Like a beacon in the night!
2143
01:38:31,447 --> 01:38:32,864
My golden goose.
2144
01:38:32,865 --> 01:38:34,057
LINDA: All right, baby.
2145
01:38:34,075 --> 01:38:35,283
So I'm just gonna be
giving you the details.
2146
01:38:35,284 --> 01:38:37,244
- RON: Mmm-hmm.
- Five, four,
2147
01:38:37,245 --> 01:38:38,597
three, two...
2148
01:38:38,621 --> 01:38:40,056
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
2149
01:38:40,081 --> 01:38:41,206
Good evening, America.
2150
01:38:41,207 --> 01:38:45,460
After some time off,
it's good to be back with you.
2151
01:38:45,461 --> 01:38:47,129
I'm Ron Burgundy.
2152
01:38:47,130 --> 01:38:50,549
We have a story tonight
involving an affair,
2153
01:38:50,550 --> 01:38:55,095
a cut-off penis, a TV
star and a car chase.
2154
01:38:55,096 --> 01:38:56,539
And throw it to the feed.
2155
01:38:58,599 --> 01:39:00,121
The only problem is...
2156
01:39:01,561 --> 01:39:03,538
- What's he doing?
- Ron, are you okay?
2157
01:39:04,147 --> 01:39:05,647
- It's not news.
- What?
2158
01:39:05,648 --> 01:39:06,965
Turn off the prompter.
2159
01:39:06,983 --> 01:39:08,066
Ron, this is Kench.
2160
01:39:08,067 --> 01:39:09,484
What the hell do you
think you're doing, mate?
2161
01:39:09,485 --> 01:39:13,297
Just read what's in front of you,
or I will ruin you! Don't!
2162
01:39:13,322 --> 01:39:15,516
Don't! You leave Kench
inside your head!
2163
01:39:16,367 --> 01:39:18,970
- God damn it!
- He took out his earpiece.
2164
01:39:18,995 --> 01:39:21,894
You see, folks, I've read
a lot of news in my day,
2165
01:39:23,166 --> 01:39:26,566
but it's... It's taken me until now
2166
01:39:27,503 --> 01:39:29,981
to realize what real news is.
2167
01:39:30,298 --> 01:39:32,776
Real news is supposed
to let people know
2168
01:39:32,884 --> 01:39:37,285
what the powerful are up to, so that
that power doesn't become corrupt.
2169
01:39:37,513 --> 01:39:39,806
But what happens when the
powerful own the news?
2170
01:39:39,807 --> 01:39:42,142
Ugh! You piece of shit!
2171
01:39:42,143 --> 01:39:44,120
Shit. He's blowing
the whole thing up.
2172
01:39:44,270 --> 01:39:47,294
Recently, I've been on a
bit of a personal journey.
2173
01:39:47,523 --> 01:39:51,469
I made love to a proud,
intelligent black woman.
2174
01:39:52,904 --> 01:39:54,551
I became blind.
2175
01:39:54,989 --> 01:39:57,467
I bottle-fed and raised a shark.
2176
01:39:57,783 --> 01:40:00,511
And I smoked a fair
amount of crack.
2177
01:40:00,828 --> 01:40:05,399
But the most important thing I've learned
is that there was an emptiness left
2178
01:40:05,875 --> 01:40:09,730
after turning my back on three of the
best friends anyone could ever ask for.
2179
01:40:10,087 --> 01:40:11,379
Hi, Ron!
2180
01:40:11,380 --> 01:40:13,173
So, if you'll excuse me,
2181
01:40:13,174 --> 01:40:15,467
I'm going to see my child's recital
2182
01:40:15,468 --> 01:40:19,414
and tell the woman I love
that I still love her.
2183
01:40:20,598 --> 01:40:23,497
Good night, America,
and never forget,
2184
01:40:24,644 --> 01:40:25,996
you deserve the truth.
2185
01:40:30,066 --> 01:40:31,608
Good. He's dead, done.
2186
01:40:31,609 --> 01:40:33,902
Linda, get the skirt in,
the blonde. Anyone!
2187
01:40:33,903 --> 01:40:35,570
He's coming back!
2188
01:40:35,571 --> 01:40:37,364
Oh, also, one other thing.
2189
01:40:37,365 --> 01:40:40,435
Koala Airlines is a
really shitty airline.
2190
01:40:40,576 --> 01:40:43,725
You son of a bitch!
You son of a bitch!
2191
01:40:48,042 --> 01:40:49,143
Guys, I'm sorry.
2192
01:40:49,460 --> 01:40:52,689
For a while there, I don't know
what became of Ron Burgundy.
2193
01:40:52,922 --> 01:40:55,571
Brick, I'm sorry I yelled at you.
2194
01:40:56,342 --> 01:40:57,568
Brian, I...
2195
01:40:57,593 --> 01:41:00,011
No reason why I killed
that story of yours.
2196
01:41:00,012 --> 01:41:01,409
It was excellent reporting.
2197
01:41:01,764 --> 01:41:05,100
And, Champ, I'm sorry
I said no to all those
2198
01:41:05,101 --> 01:41:09,047
offers for late-night
deep-tissue rubdowns.
2199
01:41:10,439 --> 01:41:12,190
BRICK: Ron, you're a good man.
2200
01:41:12,191 --> 01:41:15,636
But you have fallen victim to
your own ego and your own hubris.
2201
01:41:16,028 --> 01:41:19,632
And before others can forgive you,
you must learn to forgive yourself.
2202
01:41:22,910 --> 01:41:24,057
What was that, Brick?
2203
01:41:24,453 --> 01:41:26,271
I'm wearing two pairs of pants.
2204
01:41:27,748 --> 01:41:28,940
Thank you.
2205
01:41:29,041 --> 01:41:30,875
So that's it, huh?
2206
01:41:30,876 --> 01:41:32,836
You're sorry?
2207
01:41:32,837 --> 01:41:36,256
You know what, Burgundy?
Apologies are like assholes.
2208
01:41:36,257 --> 01:41:37,507
Everyone's got one
2209
01:41:37,508 --> 01:41:40,657
and everyone's got a shoebox full
of Polaroids of them under the bed.
2210
01:41:41,512 --> 01:41:43,305
CHAMP: Ron, we're a team.
2211
01:41:43,306 --> 01:41:44,578
We need you.
2212
01:41:44,724 --> 01:41:46,292
Let him go, Champ.
2213
01:41:46,642 --> 01:41:49,416
(SOBBING)
2214
01:41:51,439 --> 01:41:52,791
Ron!
2215
01:41:53,357 --> 01:41:56,336
Long live Ron Burgundy!
2216
01:42:04,744 --> 01:42:07,643
I'm Brick Tamland for GNN News.
2217
01:42:08,247 --> 01:42:12,022
The itsy bitsy spider
went up the water spout.
2218
01:42:12,209 --> 01:42:14,027
You little hack!
2219
01:42:14,295 --> 01:42:15,920
Huh? Who the hell do
you think you are?
2220
01:42:15,921 --> 01:42:17,297
After everything I've done for you,
2221
01:42:17,298 --> 01:42:19,758
this is how you repay me?
Well, I will crush you!
2222
01:42:19,759 --> 01:42:21,236
(GRUNTS)
2223
01:42:22,553 --> 01:42:24,137
Once again, Mr. Burgundy,
2224
01:42:24,138 --> 01:42:26,890
you are the ballsiest white
man I've ever known.
2225
01:42:26,891 --> 01:42:28,584
What the hell?
2226
01:42:29,226 --> 01:42:31,203
One more for old times' sake.
2227
01:42:37,735 --> 01:42:38,818
Thank you.
2228
01:42:38,819 --> 01:42:40,904
Is Dad going to come?
2229
01:42:40,905 --> 01:42:42,864
No, sweetheart, Daddy has to work.
2230
01:42:42,865 --> 01:42:45,138
He's going to come. I know it.
2231
01:42:45,368 --> 01:42:46,685
Taxi!
2232
01:42:47,244 --> 01:42:49,329
Taxi! Taxi!
2233
01:42:49,330 --> 01:42:50,522
Damn it!
2234
01:42:50,706 --> 01:42:54,060
It's so hard for a proud Mexican
to get a taxi in this city!
2235
01:42:54,794 --> 01:42:56,237
I need to see my son!
2236
01:42:56,545 --> 01:43:00,900
And now, to play an original composition
that he wrote for his father,
2237
01:43:00,925 --> 01:43:03,869
here is seven-year-old
Walter Burgundy.
2238
01:43:04,011 --> 01:43:05,784
(APPLAUSE)
2239
01:43:12,436 --> 01:43:15,039
I made a promise!
I made a promise to my son!
2240
01:43:18,609 --> 01:43:19,756
What the hell?
2241
01:43:20,152 --> 01:43:21,879
Well, hello, Ron.
2242
01:43:22,279 --> 01:43:23,551
You out for a jog?
2243
01:43:23,656 --> 01:43:25,099
Jack Lime!
2244
01:43:26,200 --> 01:43:27,552
Where's everyone going?
2245
01:43:27,576 --> 01:43:30,680
Please. I don't have time to talk, okay?
I have to be somewhere.
2246
01:43:30,955 --> 01:43:32,932
Well, that's funny.
'Cause I got nowhere to be
2247
01:43:33,499 --> 01:43:35,772
because you pretty much
destroyed my career.
2248
01:43:36,293 --> 01:43:40,068
Do you realize what it did to me,
by making me call myself Jack Lame?
2249
01:43:41,048 --> 01:43:43,025
It was a living hell!
2250
01:43:43,217 --> 01:43:44,910
(PANTING)
2251
01:43:45,636 --> 01:43:48,580
I'm telling you,
you have to let me go!
2252
01:43:48,764 --> 01:43:50,741
Oh, don't worry. Four against one.
2253
01:43:51,350 --> 01:43:52,872
This will be over fast.
2254
01:43:53,561 --> 01:43:55,334
Maybe not so fast!
2255
01:43:58,733 --> 01:44:01,052
My news team. Thank God!
2256
01:44:02,820 --> 01:44:07,426
Ain't a day that will be or has been
that we don't have Ron Burgundy's back.
2257
01:44:07,533 --> 01:44:09,576
Not a problem. When I'm
done with these mutts,
2258
01:44:09,577 --> 01:44:11,145
I'm gonna wipe my
shoes on the curb.
2259
01:44:11,162 --> 01:44:12,980
Oh, yeah, Jack Lime?
2260
01:44:13,247 --> 01:44:14,831
When I'm done with you,
2261
01:44:14,832 --> 01:44:17,731
my mom's going to pick
me up and take me home.
2262
01:44:18,002 --> 01:44:19,274
BBC NEWS ANCHOR: Wait!
2263
01:44:22,673 --> 01:44:24,549
Here's a headline for you.
2264
01:44:24,550 --> 01:44:27,093
"Moronic Yank Wankerman."
2265
01:44:27,094 --> 01:44:30,764
"Gets a Bloody Good Hiding
From News Reader."
2266
01:44:30,765 --> 01:44:32,708
"From a Superior Country."
2267
01:44:33,100 --> 01:44:36,454
For we are the BBC News Service.
2268
01:44:36,854 --> 01:44:38,456
(ALL YELLING)
2269
01:44:38,773 --> 01:44:40,332
No. Not now.
2270
01:44:40,357 --> 01:44:41,629
Fall back, fall back.
2271
01:44:45,654 --> 01:44:46,863
If y'all are gonna get down,
2272
01:44:46,864 --> 01:44:49,842
then Wesley Jackson and
the MTV News crew want in.
2273
01:44:49,867 --> 01:44:51,469
What's MTV?
2274
01:44:52,119 --> 01:44:53,641
I think it's a venereal disease.
2275
01:44:53,871 --> 01:44:55,663
The most requested
video of the day?
2276
01:44:55,664 --> 01:44:58,859
A new band called Burgundy's
Sucking Chest Wound.
2277
01:44:58,876 --> 01:45:00,978
(ALL YELLING)
2278
01:45:05,049 --> 01:45:06,966
It wouldn't be a battle
without Jill Janson.
2279
01:45:06,967 --> 01:45:09,427
And Wendy Van Peele
from Entertainment News.
2280
01:45:09,428 --> 01:45:11,781
Entertainment news
is an abomination!
2281
01:45:11,931 --> 01:45:14,625
Who are you wearing today?
Oh, look, it's your own blood!
2282
01:45:14,850 --> 01:45:16,668
Today's celebrity birthdays...
None.
2283
01:45:16,685 --> 01:45:18,061
Today's celebrity deaths...
2284
01:45:18,062 --> 01:45:19,709
All you dick-licks.
2285
01:45:21,857 --> 01:45:23,650
I like the way they're
put together.
2286
01:45:23,651 --> 01:45:25,235
I like fighting girls.
2287
01:45:25,236 --> 01:45:27,070
I like to cunt punt cowboys.
2288
01:45:27,071 --> 01:45:29,048
- You eat pussy?
- You're gonna.
2289
01:45:29,073 --> 01:45:30,766
Hey!
2290
01:45:31,158 --> 01:45:34,353
There's not gonna be any
fight without Scott Riles
2291
01:45:34,453 --> 01:45:37,139
and the incredibly polite
Canadian News team.
2292
01:45:37,164 --> 01:45:38,665
(ALL YELLING)
2293
01:45:38,666 --> 01:45:41,394
What about the French-speaking
Quebec News?
2294
01:45:41,418 --> 01:45:43,044
The real voice of Canada!
2295
01:45:43,045 --> 01:45:44,128
Give it a rest, eh?
2296
01:45:44,129 --> 01:45:46,798
Give me a break!
They can't have news.
2297
01:45:46,799 --> 01:45:48,276
Nothing happens in Canada!
2298
01:45:48,300 --> 01:45:49,926
We're gonna mop the floor with you!
2299
01:45:49,927 --> 01:45:52,155
- We're gonna put the boots to you! Sorry.
- Sorry.
2300
01:45:52,346 --> 01:45:55,807
We're gonna gouge your eyes out!
And kick your head in!
2301
01:45:55,808 --> 01:45:57,267
BOTH: Sorry!
2302
01:45:57,268 --> 01:45:58,961
I like your ginger ale!
2303
01:46:02,731 --> 01:46:05,358
Jeff Bullington, ESPN, all sports.
2304
01:46:05,359 --> 01:46:07,694
Tonight's play of the day is me,
2305
01:46:07,695 --> 01:46:09,839
extracting your spine
from your dead body.
2306
01:46:09,864 --> 01:46:11,924
Holy shit, there's a lot of news!
2307
01:46:11,949 --> 01:46:14,343
It's true, the market
is becoming saturated.
2308
01:46:14,368 --> 01:46:18,121
Hey. The History Network wants
in on this. We're news, too.
2309
01:46:18,122 --> 01:46:20,816
Only news told much, much later.
2310
01:46:21,083 --> 01:46:22,309
(ALL YELLING)
2311
01:46:22,334 --> 01:46:25,779
Wait a minute. Is that the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson with you?
2312
01:46:25,796 --> 01:46:28,548
Yes, it is. And the
mighty Minotaur.
2313
01:46:28,549 --> 01:46:29,757
(GROWLS)
2314
01:46:29,758 --> 01:46:31,193
I don't know about this, man.
2315
01:46:31,218 --> 01:46:34,242
The Minotaur isn't even history!
He's mythology!
2316
01:46:34,388 --> 01:46:35,614
(ROARING)
2317
01:46:35,890 --> 01:46:37,724
Let's not downplay the fact
2318
01:46:37,725 --> 01:46:40,248
that that's the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson!
2319
01:46:40,436 --> 01:46:44,712
(ECHOING) May the Lord anoint
this hallowed field of battle.
2320
01:46:44,940 --> 01:46:48,385
You guys got room in this
battle for an old war horse?
2321
01:46:48,402 --> 01:46:50,403
Mack Tannen! What
are you doing here?
2322
01:46:50,404 --> 01:46:51,721
You're too old for this.
2323
01:46:51,822 --> 01:46:54,240
Well, you see, there's the thing.
2324
01:46:54,241 --> 01:46:59,939
When there's an early moon,
I almost feel like a stallion again!
2325
01:47:00,414 --> 01:47:02,016
He's on our side, right, Ron?
2326
01:47:07,630 --> 01:47:09,858
(GROWLING)
2327
01:47:10,174 --> 01:47:11,696
He's a were-hyena!
2328
01:47:12,968 --> 01:47:15,241
I'm-a call Michael Jackson.
I got a video idea.
2329
01:47:15,429 --> 01:47:17,497
All right, everyone, listen up!
2330
01:47:21,185 --> 01:47:26,041
By virtue of being on this
battlefield, there is no return.
2331
01:47:27,441 --> 01:47:29,043
People will die.
2332
01:47:29,318 --> 01:47:30,652
I'm so horny right now.
2333
01:47:30,653 --> 01:47:32,505
RON: Some will be disfigured.
2334
01:47:32,613 --> 01:47:36,889
In some cases, lasting
friendships will be made.
2335
01:47:37,743 --> 01:47:42,144
And as usual, no touching
of the hair and face.
2336
01:47:42,331 --> 01:47:44,624
Come on. What do we
look like, rookies?
2337
01:47:44,625 --> 01:47:45,772
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
2338
01:47:45,876 --> 01:47:47,728
When El Trousias,
2339
01:47:47,836 --> 01:47:51,110
maiden of the clouds,
blows the battle horn,
2340
01:47:51,590 --> 01:47:53,776
let the battle begin!
2341
01:47:53,801 --> 01:47:56,279
I am El Trousias!
2342
01:47:58,138 --> 01:48:00,411
Hear my siren song!
2343
01:48:02,643 --> 01:48:04,519
- (PLAYING)
- El Trousias...
2344
01:48:04,520 --> 01:48:06,748
The Juicies'. Hmm.
2345
01:48:11,694 --> 01:48:13,262
That means you can start.
2346
01:48:14,613 --> 01:48:16,636
Brick, what the hell is that?
2347
01:48:17,241 --> 01:48:18,684
It's a gun from the future.
2348
01:48:18,993 --> 01:48:20,891
No fair! He's got a
gun from the future!
2349
01:48:21,161 --> 01:48:23,059
Where did you get it from?
2350
01:48:23,080 --> 01:48:24,932
(LAUGHING)
2351
01:48:27,001 --> 01:48:31,072
(PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC)
2352
01:48:38,178 --> 01:48:42,124
In the name of the King,
the Queen and St. George.
2353
01:48:45,019 --> 01:48:46,185
Huzzah!
2354
01:48:46,186 --> 01:48:47,770
(ALL YELLING)
2355
01:48:47,771 --> 01:48:49,373
(ALL GRUNTING)
2356
01:48:49,398 --> 01:48:50,715
(YELLS)
2357
01:49:18,761 --> 01:49:20,329
Guess you didn't see that coming.
2358
01:49:20,345 --> 01:49:22,038
Twenty degrees right.
2359
01:49:22,806 --> 01:49:24,033
Fill that gap!
2360
01:49:24,058 --> 01:49:29,164
Fall upon your swords!
Life has no meaning! (LAUGHS)
2361
01:49:30,731 --> 01:49:34,506
There will be a mint julep
waiting on the other side, son.
2362
01:49:35,944 --> 01:49:38,012
Release your soul to me.
2363
01:49:42,242 --> 01:49:44,765
(CONTINUES PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC)
2364
01:49:45,204 --> 01:49:46,977
(CANNON FIRING)
2365
01:49:49,583 --> 01:49:50,980
(ROARING)
2366
01:49:56,423 --> 01:49:57,866
Sorry!
2367
01:49:58,300 --> 01:50:00,152
CANADIAN ANCHORS: Sorry! Sorry!
2368
01:50:00,511 --> 01:50:02,454
BRIAN: Sex Panther powers activate.
2369
01:50:03,013 --> 01:50:04,456
(GRUNTS)
2370
01:50:04,932 --> 01:50:06,409
(ROARS)
2371
01:50:07,434 --> 01:50:10,162
(ALL COUGHING)
2372
01:50:16,443 --> 01:50:18,045
(LAUGHING)
2373
01:50:18,237 --> 01:50:20,715
(ALL SCREAMING)
2374
01:50:25,619 --> 01:50:27,596
It's the ghost of
Stonewall Jackson!
2375
01:50:27,621 --> 01:50:30,440
Everyone, it's the ghost
of Stonewall Jackson!
2376
01:50:30,833 --> 01:50:32,526
Why do we have to fight?
2377
01:50:33,168 --> 01:50:34,736
There's so much
I could learn from you.
2378
01:50:39,842 --> 01:50:41,068
(GRUNTING)
2379
01:50:43,178 --> 01:50:45,638
In the name of Margaret Thatcher...
2380
01:50:45,639 --> 01:50:47,640
- No!
- I sentence you to death!
2381
01:50:47,641 --> 01:50:49,368
RON: Please, no!
2382
01:50:50,060 --> 01:50:51,207
Oh!
2383
01:50:53,021 --> 01:50:54,919
What in the name of Dan Issel?
2384
01:50:57,151 --> 01:50:58,293
Gary!
2385
01:50:58,318 --> 01:50:59,761
Yes, Ron.
2386
01:51:00,988 --> 01:51:03,090
You and I never got along.
2387
01:51:03,115 --> 01:51:04,866
But using the power of my mind,
2388
01:51:04,867 --> 01:51:07,641
I was able to see in the future
that you would do good.
2389
01:51:09,454 --> 01:51:10,955
- Now, go.
- RON: I knew it!
2390
01:51:10,956 --> 01:51:12,540
Go to your son's recital.
2391
01:51:12,541 --> 01:51:14,268
I knew you had mind powers!
2392
01:51:14,293 --> 01:51:16,562
And make it the greatest
day of your life!
2393
01:51:16,587 --> 01:51:18,838
Almighty, Almighty,
light the fuse on my call.
2394
01:51:18,839 --> 01:51:20,840
Thirty-niner-niner-14,
cook these fools.
2395
01:51:20,841 --> 01:51:22,443
I repeat, cook these fools.
2396
01:51:33,604 --> 01:51:35,938
We've got to get out of here.
There's too much news!
2397
01:51:35,939 --> 01:51:37,648
Man, what a rush!
2398
01:51:37,649 --> 01:51:39,126
The monster's my friend!
2399
01:51:39,151 --> 01:51:41,345
Ron, we can still make
your kid's recital!
2400
01:51:42,613 --> 01:51:44,465
(LAUGHS)
Hey, Ronny.
2401
01:51:44,615 --> 01:51:47,783
Jack Lime, please, I just want
to get to my son's recital.
2402
01:51:47,784 --> 01:51:49,702
No! That is out of the question!
2403
01:51:49,703 --> 01:51:50,828
We're outnumbered, Ron.
2404
01:51:50,829 --> 01:51:52,602
Foam the runway, I'm coming in hot!
2405
01:51:59,963 --> 01:52:01,861
(TIRES SCREECHING)
2406
01:52:04,718 --> 01:52:08,072
(SINGING)
Old MacDonald had a farm.
2407
01:52:08,180 --> 01:52:10,499
And then four guys
on bikes showed up.
2408
01:52:10,807 --> 01:52:13,751
Wes Mantooth and the
Channel Nine news team!
2409
01:52:13,936 --> 01:52:15,394
Hey, what the hell are
you guys doing here?
2410
01:52:15,395 --> 01:52:16,838
This is a national news fight.
2411
01:52:17,064 --> 01:52:18,837
You made one mistake today.
2412
01:52:19,524 --> 01:52:21,592
You messed with somebody
from San Diego.
2413
01:52:21,985 --> 01:52:25,180
It's actually pronounced San Diago.
2414
01:52:25,322 --> 01:52:27,925
Hell, Ron and I may not
agree on everything,
2415
01:52:28,742 --> 01:52:30,076
but we share the bond of being
2416
01:52:30,077 --> 01:52:31,970
from the greatest city in
the history of this Earth.
2417
01:52:31,995 --> 01:52:33,438
(LAUGHING)
2418
01:52:33,664 --> 01:52:35,061
Well, ain't that cute?
2419
01:52:35,666 --> 01:52:37,359
But you're outnumbered
three-to-one.
2420
01:52:37,876 --> 01:52:39,228
Why don't you go back to your mama?
2421
01:52:39,253 --> 01:52:41,401
Don't you use my
mom's name in vain.
2422
01:52:42,130 --> 01:52:44,590
Dorothy Mantooth was a
hard-working single woman
2423
01:52:44,591 --> 01:52:46,467
who raised seven
children on her own,
2424
01:52:46,468 --> 01:52:48,991
and she remained sexually
active till the day she died.
2425
01:52:49,137 --> 01:52:51,535
She brought pole dancing
into the mainstream.
2426
01:52:52,140 --> 01:52:54,934
Now here's the thing.
While I've been talking,
2427
01:52:54,935 --> 01:52:58,539
my news team has emptied
their gas tanks at your feet.
2428
01:53:01,441 --> 01:53:04,215
I drop this smoke and every
one of you goes "poof."
2429
01:53:04,444 --> 01:53:06,612
Well, you forgot one
thing, leatherman.
2430
01:53:06,613 --> 01:53:08,322
You drop that smoke, you die, too.
2431
01:53:08,323 --> 01:53:10,846
(LAUGHING)
2432
01:53:12,119 --> 01:53:14,062
With the things I've
done in my life,
2433
01:53:14,871 --> 01:53:16,973
oh, I know I'm going
to burn in hell.
2434
01:53:17,958 --> 01:53:20,732
So I sure as shit ain't afraid
to burn here on Earth.
2435
01:53:20,961 --> 01:53:22,729
Oh, my goodness!
2436
01:53:22,754 --> 01:53:24,982
That's the most badass
thing I have ever heard.
2437
01:53:25,632 --> 01:53:26,949
All right!
2438
01:53:28,176 --> 01:53:29,385
Looks like this fight's over.
2439
01:53:29,386 --> 01:53:30,783
(SIGHS)
2440
01:53:31,346 --> 01:53:32,698
Let's go, boys.
2441
01:53:33,765 --> 01:53:36,744
Yay! We won! Let's celebrate!
2442
01:53:36,768 --> 01:53:38,060
Sparklers!
2443
01:53:38,061 --> 01:53:40,914
- No, no, no, Brick!
- ALL: No!
2444
01:53:43,817 --> 01:53:47,922
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
2445
01:53:57,414 --> 01:53:58,936
(MUSIC ENDS)
2446
01:53:59,333 --> 01:54:01,811
(ALL APPLAUDING)
2447
01:54:04,755 --> 01:54:07,199
- Bravo! Bravo.
- Yeah. Whoo!
2448
01:54:09,343 --> 01:54:10,569
Dad!
2449
01:54:10,594 --> 01:54:13,038
Son, I fought a
Minotaur to be here.
2450
01:54:13,555 --> 01:54:14,990
And I'd do it again.
2451
01:54:15,015 --> 01:54:18,710
Dad! Together we can defeat voodoo!
2452
01:54:19,019 --> 01:54:21,771
NARRATOR: Ron had finally
learned how to love his son
2453
01:54:21,772 --> 01:54:24,546
and his wife more than his career.
2454
01:54:25,484 --> 01:54:28,258
And as it turned out,
his walking off the news
2455
01:54:28,612 --> 01:54:31,966
was the highest-rated
TV event of the year.
2456
01:54:32,616 --> 01:54:35,094
He and his news team,
along with Veronica,
2457
01:54:35,202 --> 01:54:37,896
could have any job they wanted.
2458
01:54:38,497 --> 01:54:42,397
But before that, they had one
little thing to take care of.
2459
01:54:44,711 --> 01:54:49,032
And now, before I join this
couple in holy matrimony,
2460
01:54:49,216 --> 01:54:51,569
Brick and Chani ask us to join them
2461
01:54:51,760 --> 01:54:53,737
as they exchange their vows.
2462
01:54:54,638 --> 01:54:55,830
My dearest Brick.
2463
01:54:56,139 --> 01:54:58,333
Everything I have is yours.
2464
01:54:58,809 --> 01:55:01,503
My four lawnmowers. My sister.
2465
01:55:02,270 --> 01:55:06,816
My 35 ferrets. My massive student
loan and real estate debt.
2466
01:55:06,817 --> 01:55:08,089
It's all yours.
2467
01:55:09,903 --> 01:55:11,362
Oh, Chani.
2468
01:55:11,363 --> 01:55:14,698
I will never forget the
exact moment I saw you.
2469
01:55:14,699 --> 01:55:18,494
My pee-pee got all uncomfortable
in my pants, and I thought,
2470
01:55:18,495 --> 01:55:22,099
"Here comes the warm milkshake
out of the tip of my belly stick."
2471
01:55:25,502 --> 01:55:27,604
Wait! Look!
2472
01:55:27,712 --> 01:55:29,655
Walter, Walter, honey, shh!
2473
01:55:29,756 --> 01:55:31,733
Look in the water!
2474
01:55:32,134 --> 01:55:34,362
It's Doby!
2475
01:55:34,386 --> 01:55:35,658
Oh, my God.
2476
01:55:35,679 --> 01:55:38,123
It's Doby! Doby!
2477
01:55:38,432 --> 01:55:41,081
VERONICA: Ron, what are you doing?
He's not your friend!
2478
01:55:41,226 --> 01:55:42,543
Doby!
2479
01:55:42,978 --> 01:55:45,297
CHAMP: Ron! That's a shark!
2480
01:55:45,605 --> 01:55:47,503
VERONICA: He will eat you!
2481
01:55:48,358 --> 01:55:50,802
(SINGING)
Old friends.
2482
01:55:52,779 --> 01:55:54,321
Old friends.
2483
01:55:54,322 --> 01:55:55,799
Doby!
2484
01:55:56,658 --> 01:56:00,808
Sat on their park
bench like bookends.
2485
01:56:01,413 --> 01:56:02,681
Oh, my God!
2486
01:56:02,706 --> 01:56:04,479
The shark actually recognizes him!
2487
01:56:05,083 --> 01:56:06,651
(SCREAMING)
2488
01:56:06,668 --> 01:56:08,395
BRIAN: Nope.
He's viciously attacking him.
2489
01:56:09,296 --> 01:56:12,357
Doby! Doby, it's me! Ron!
2490
01:56:12,382 --> 01:56:14,780
NARRATOR: If a man dies
with love in his heart,
2491
01:56:15,010 --> 01:56:17,028
does he truly die?
2492
01:56:17,053 --> 01:56:18,471
Absolutely!
2493
01:56:18,472 --> 01:56:23,142
But on this day, Ron Burgundy's grapple
with this denizen from the deep
2494
01:56:23,143 --> 01:56:26,937
was halted by 28 pounds
of furry Providence.
2495
01:56:26,938 --> 01:56:28,230
(BARKING)
2496
01:56:28,231 --> 01:56:29,833
(ALL SHOUTING)
2497
01:56:31,735 --> 01:56:33,007
RON: I bottle-fed you!
2498
01:56:33,236 --> 01:56:34,588
(SCREAMS)
2499
01:56:35,989 --> 01:56:37,181
Baxter!
2500
01:56:38,116 --> 01:56:39,684
(GASPING)
2501
01:56:40,076 --> 01:56:41,644
(BARKING)
2502
01:56:44,247 --> 01:56:45,519
Baxter!
2503
01:56:46,208 --> 01:56:49,437
Baxter! Ah, yes!
2504
01:56:49,669 --> 01:56:52,113
- (LAUGHING)
- (BARKING)
2505
01:56:52,672 --> 01:56:55,867
I know, I know, I love you, too.
2506
01:56:57,427 --> 01:56:58,870
(PANTING)
2507
01:56:59,054 --> 01:57:00,497
Oh. Come on.
2508
01:57:02,474 --> 01:57:04,292
(CROWD APPLAUDS)
2509
01:57:04,518 --> 01:57:06,291
(CROWD CHEERING)
2510
02:02:28,758 --> 02:02:30,326
All right, let's do it.
2511
02:02:32,303 --> 02:02:33,679
You guys think...
2512
02:02:33,680 --> 02:02:35,202
I don't know how to use a computer.
2513
02:02:35,640 --> 02:02:38,517
RON: Hey, fellas.
I just saw Jack Lime out there.
2514
02:02:38,518 --> 02:02:40,837
He's a goddamn iceman.
2515
02:02:41,229 --> 02:02:43,047
Scared the crap out of me.
2516
02:02:43,057 --> 02:02:48,057