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<i>Ladies and gentlemen, Patton Oswalt.</i>

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Thank you.
Okay, guys, please. Thank you.

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Thank you. Thank you, guys.

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Oh, thank you!

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Thank you. Thank you all.

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Please! Oh, dear God in heaven!

7
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Thank you for that. Wow! Um...

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Thank you guys for coming out
and being so enthusiastic

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and... happy about, like... um...

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I'm genuinely... I'm genuinely surprised
that you're in such a good mood,

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especially with what...

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I'm sure you guys saw what just went down
on Twitter five minutes ago.

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Did you... You didn't see?

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The... No?

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I'm kidding. Nothing happened.

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But that's the world we're living in
right now basically is every...

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"Oh, fuck, what did he do?
What? Wait. What do you mean?"

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I almost feel like I could get out
of a mugging using that

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for the next couple of years.

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Like if someone put a gun in my face,
"Give me your wallet."

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"You know what, take my keys, man.
It's over. Go check Twitter."

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"What?" I just bolt. Like I could...

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make it... to survive.

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Because that was...
My routine in the morning is, uh,

25
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the alarm goes off on my phone, I get up.

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Have I had any calls, any texts? Okay.
I check e-mail, then I check Twitter.

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And now my feet are on the ground
and I can start my day.

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And now the routine's the same,
except the alarm goes off.

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Okay, any calls, any texts? All right.
Check e-mail.

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But I check Twitter like this now,
"Oh, shit!

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Oh, what did he do? What did he do?"

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And no matter what is trending,
I immediately link it to Trump

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and it's bad, like, in my head.

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Like if puppies are trending, I'm like,
"He killed all the puppies.

35
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There's no puppies. They're all dead.
He killed every puppy.

36
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Somehow he managed to kill every... "

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How hard did your rectum cinch up when...

38
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Remember a couple months ago
when "Korean peninsula" started trending?

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And you're like, "The fuck is that?"

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By the way, when I saw that, I didn't even
go directly to nuclear war in my head.

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In my head, I'm like,
"Oh, God, he went on TV and went... "

42
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And I was like, "Oh, God. Oh!"

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Like, he was...

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trying to describe an episode
of <i>MASH</i> he had just watched.

45
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And then like...
now missiles are flying, or something.

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I don't know, but...

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Fuck.

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Look at this shit. Look at this!
Look at th...

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I started off this year... I was focused.
I was gonna get fit.

50
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I was gonna work out every day.
I was gonna cut down on sugars.

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And for the first 19 days of this year...

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I was on it. I was committed.

53
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And then January 20 rolled around,
that inauguration came,

54
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"Fuck it. No, I don't give a shit."

55
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"Ice cream for breakfast, that's... "

56
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I wonder how many
Alcoholics Anonymous chips

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went sailing across ponds when that...

58
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when...

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When, like...
When Trump hand hit the Bible,

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there was just, all over the country,
"See you in four years." Whoosh!

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Eight! Nice. All right.

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I think that's one of the reasons
people don't like Trump so much,

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is that he really has shoved our faces,
very hard,

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into how not evolved and progressive
we are as a country,

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as we like to tell ourselves.

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I think there was maybe
a little bit too much back-patting

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after we elected Obama twice.

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There was a little bit too much,
"You're welcome, Earth.

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Yeah, that's right, we, uh,
we're pretty amazing.

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It's America 2008.
We're, uh, on the vanguard. That's right.

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Yeah, you're welcome. Pretty good.
Pretty amazing."

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And then after eight years of Obama,

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it was time to elect
either a very qualified woman

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or a racist scrotum dipped in Cheeto dust.

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And... the country said,

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"Ah, see what the scrotum has to say.

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I don't know.
Maybe he's... something kind of new."

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We couldn't go from black guy to woman.
It was just too much of a jump.

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Going from Obama to Hillary for us,
I think what it is is

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imagine going skydiving for the first time
and your feet hit the ground,

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your heart is thumping,
all that adrenaline.

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And someone just runs up and says,
"Hey, let's go bungee jumping right now."

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You're like, "I need to just sit
on the couch for, like, a week

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and eat Triscuits
and watch <i>X-Files</i> reruns.

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I can't just go
right to fucking bungee jumping."

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That's what... Trump is our sitting
on the couch, watching <i>X-Files</i> after.

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Because clearly a big part of the country
while Obama was president

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was internally going, "Black guy!"

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So, they needed this racist
palate cleanser, if you will.

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This cup of white supremacist sorbet.

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And by the way,
we will have a woman president,

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probably sooner than later.

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But keep... Guys. Guys. Guys!

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Easy. No!

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We will have a woman president.

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But just keep in mind
that after she serves her term,

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the choices will very probably be
a very qualified gay guy

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and then a KKK dude
with the ass cut out of his jeans and...

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The country's gonna go,
"Let's see what the KKK guy...

100
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I don't know. Maybe he has... some ideas.
I'd love to hear them.

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I mean, his ass is hanging out.
That's fresh.

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I never... saw that before, right?"

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I empathize with Trump.

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I don't sympathize with him, but I get it.

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I understand his origin story.
I know why he's got this job.

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You know it too.
He went to the Correspondents' Dinner.

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Obama made fun of him,
and he sat there and said,

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"No. I'm taking your job. Fuck that.
You don't make fun of me."

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And then he spent $40 million
and broke his ass for a year.

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Now he's got the job and the job sucks.

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He... He did it out of spite.

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I've done so many dumbass things
out of spite

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just to piss someone else off.

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I'm like,
"I don't fucking wanna do this shit."

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So I get it.

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And especially because his life
before the presidency was amazing.

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It was amazing.
It was jets and golf and hookers.

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It was just nonstop fun.

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And now he's got to sit and talk
to the trade minister of Luxembourg.

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I get it.

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Trump becoming president
because Obama made fun of him,

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that would be like, imagine if...

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the head of linguistics at Rutgers

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made fun of David Lee Roth.

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And then... David Lee Roth is like,

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"I'm gonna take your job.
Zibbity, bobbity, boop."

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And then he, like, spends a year
and all this money...

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gets the job, goes cartwheeling
into the linguistics department.

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"Yeah, head of linguistics, everybody.
Diamond Dave!

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Bring out the coke and the hookers."

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Then the guy's like, "Oh, no, we're gonna
be talking about the lack of recursion

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in 16th-century Germanic poetry."

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Dave's like, "I... "

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"No? Nothing?

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That's not how...
Okay, that's fine. That's great."

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And that's it for the Trump material.
That's all... because look, I could...

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And by the way, people that tell me,
"You comedians must be so happy.

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Trump is president.
It's just all this free material."

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You know what, yes,
there's a lot of material,

140
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but there's too fucking much.

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It's exhausting.

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Being a comedian
while Trump is president is like,

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imagine there's an insane man
on the sidewalk

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just shitting on the sidewalk
and yelling about Hitler and...

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So you're looking at him
and immediately think of the funniest joke

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about shitting on the sidewalk
and yelling.

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You turn to tell it to a bunch of people
and then behind you,

148
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he's taken the shit
and made a sombrero out of it.

149
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So, you turn and you tell your amazing
shitting-on-the-sidewalk joke,

150
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and everyone goes,
"Oh, no, that was... Dude, turn around.

151
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He made a sombrero out of it.
Do a sombrero joke."

152
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Oh, fuck!

153
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I can make fun of shit he did
the last couple of days.

154
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By the time this thing airs,
you guys are gonna be going,

155
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"Wait. What? What was that again?

156
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'Cause he took his dick out
when they lit the Christmas tree.

157
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I don't know why you're talking about...

158
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Oh, yeah, the Paris thing.
Well, I totally forgot about that. Yeah."

159
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Fucking Donald Trump
is sour cream in the sauna.

160
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There's no, like...

161
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"Shit! Oh, fuck, I gotta... "

162
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Thankfully, Trump put some light

163
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on a huge issue
that's facing this country though.

164
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Huge issue that we've got to...
we've got to do something about.

165
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You know what I'm talking about,
of course... white genocide.

166
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That's right. Oh, yeah.
It's real, folks. Look.

167
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White people, we used to be in charge
of, like, 99.9 percent of shit.

168
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And in the recent years,
that number has plummeted

169
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to 96.4 percent.

170
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We are on the way out.

171
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And thank God, Trump gave voice
to these embattled white people.

172
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How ballsy do you have to be
as a white person

173
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to use the term "white genocide"?

174
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That... Especially if you're talking
to, like, someone who's Jewish

175
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or Native American or African American.

176
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And you're like,
"Oh, hey, I totally get it now, dude.

177
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I get it. Yeah.

178
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No, like I used to watch <i>Schindler's List,</i>
and that's a great movie,

179
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but I could never completely relate to it.

180
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Like, I'm only...
But then <i>The Force Awakens</i> came out.

181
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And there was a black storm trooper,
I'm like, ‘Holy shit.'

182
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I totally understand Auschwitz now.
I get it.

183
00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:20,865
I totally get it.

184
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:24,535
Yeah, man, when that guy...
When he took his helmet off

185
00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:27,956
and it was a black guy, I'm like, That
was our Trail of Tears, right there.

186
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When that helmet came off.
My God, dude, I'm fucking with you, man."

187
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"Gotta keep the races pure!"

188
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Oh, I hope they don't use that
out of context in the promo.

189
00:12:43,388 --> 00:12:44,764
That would be really weird.

190
00:12:45,723 --> 00:12:47,892
Putting that one...

191
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:51,854
Patton Oswalt's got a new Netflix special.

192
00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:53,898
Gotta keep the races pure.

193
00:12:53,982 --> 00:12:56,317
Tune in this... September.

194
00:12:56,401 --> 00:12:59,278
You're gonna wanna binge this one.

195
00:13:03,658 --> 00:13:05,368
It's a terrible segue.

196
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People are still obsessed with pure races.

197
00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:16,045
Which, by the way, there were pure races
for ten minutes

198
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:19,007
when the earth cooled,
that's when we had pure races.

199
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And then everyone
just started fucking each other,

200
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and now we are what we are now.

201
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:28,224
And by the way, have you ever met someone
who's really Caucasian?

202
00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:30,685
Or mega Asian?

203
00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:33,104
Or super African?

204
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It's creepy.

205
00:13:35,273 --> 00:13:38,943
Pure races are like,
"Oh, God, one of you guys fuck a Mexican,

206
00:13:39,027 --> 00:13:42,113
because this is way too much.

207
00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:44,532
The black, white and yellow,
I just think penguin.

208
00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:47,201
Get some earth tones in there. Something!

209
00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:48,453
Aah!"

210
00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:54,542
There's even a thing you can do.
I've done this.

211
00:13:54,625 --> 00:13:57,253
It's called, um, 23andMe.

212
00:13:57,336 --> 00:14:02,467
23andMe is this company,
and what you do is you spit in a cup,

213
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:07,055
and then you mail the cup to some nerds,
and then they look at it under...

214
00:14:07,138 --> 00:14:08,991
they spin it
and look at it under the microscope.

215
00:14:09,015 --> 00:14:11,809
And then they send you back
a map of the world

216
00:14:11,893 --> 00:14:16,064
with all of your DNA markers on it,
show you where all your DNA came from.

217
00:14:16,147 --> 00:14:19,108
So, I did it. Send in my cup,
get back my map.

218
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:23,446
I unfold it. I'm looking at it,
and I got all the pasty countries covered.

219
00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:25,073
I had every one...

220
00:14:25,156 --> 00:14:28,659
There's Ireland and Sweden and England.
I got it.

221
00:14:28,743 --> 00:14:32,205
Then I had a huge spike

222
00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:33,998
in Mongolia.

223
00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:45,343
How many years was my dad in Vietnam?

224
00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:48,471
Hmm?

225
00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:53,077
They have an 800 number. Call them
and they'll go over your map with you.

226
00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:55,269
I called them up and said, "I got my map.

227
00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:58,731
And yeah, there's all the pasty countries.

228
00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:02,193
And, uh, hey, what's with Mongolia?

229
00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:05,571
What's the deal with my Mongolian DNA?"

230
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And the guy on the phone
didn't even pause, he immediately said,

231
00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:10,410
"Yeah, that's Genghis Khan."

232
00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:14,330
Sorry. What?

233
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:20,044
He goes, "You're related to Genghis Khan.
Most people are related to Genghis Khan."

234
00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:26,342
I go, "You serious?" He goes,
"Dude, Genghis Khan fucked everything."

235
00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:30,388
"There are trees
that are related to Genghis Khan.

236
00:15:30,471 --> 00:15:32,140
That's all he did was fuck."

237
00:15:33,724 --> 00:15:37,353
And that must have been
some amazing cum in Genghis Khan's balls,

238
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:42,775
because not only was he in tight,
leather-skin pants that do not breathe,

239
00:15:42,859 --> 00:15:44,777
like sperm-killing heat,

240
00:15:44,861 --> 00:15:47,822
then put him on a saddle
for ten hours a day.

241
00:15:47,905 --> 00:15:52,118
The saddle just crushing his nuts.
Bam, boom, bam, bam!

242
00:15:54,245 --> 00:15:56,456
Then he would take over a village
and get off the horse,

243
00:15:56,539 --> 00:15:59,584
"Hey, everyone, look, really quick.
I'm Genghis Khan.

244
00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:02,146
Before we go further, it'll take
10 minutes, I'm gonna fuck everybody.

245
00:16:02,170 --> 00:16:05,006
That's what I do. I fuck everybody.
I'm really good."

246
00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:09,677
His cum's like, "Why are we still talking?
Let's make babies. Let's do it."

247
00:16:10,553 --> 00:16:15,433
If I send a text near my nutsack,
my bloodline is done.

248
00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:17,477
I have the weakest...

249
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:21,564
"I don't know why you added that Emoji,
Patton. We can't. There's no way.

250
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:24,275
You cannot pass along
your information, my friend."

251
00:16:26,569 --> 00:16:29,447
I'm a terrible candidate
for defending the white race,

252
00:16:29,530 --> 00:16:32,366
so please don't recruit me, Nazis.

253
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,285
I'm a terrible fighter.

254
00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:39,290
I've been... I realize I've been in fights,
but only as a featured extra.

255
00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:43,252
Like I've never actually "participated."

256
00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:46,881
It was less of a conversation and more
of a lecture, if you know what I mean.

257
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:49,217
Just no reach, no punch.

258
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:54,055
Even when I watch, like,
when a fight is going on, I get tensed up.

259
00:16:54,138 --> 00:16:56,140
I'm the guy... I'm never the guy
going in going,

260
00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:58,392
"Hey, stop this. What are you guys, nuts?"

261
00:16:58,476 --> 00:17:01,771
I'm the guy at the edge of the crowd...

262
00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:06,817
No fighting skill.

263
00:17:06,901 --> 00:17:10,905
I've seen one genuinely great fight
in my life

264
00:17:10,988 --> 00:17:14,742
that actually inspired me
and encouraged me

265
00:17:14,825 --> 00:17:17,828
and gave me hope for us as a species.

266
00:17:17,912 --> 00:17:21,874
Um, this was way back in 2000. I was...

267
00:17:21,958 --> 00:17:24,544
It was Christmastime,
and I was drinking at a bar

268
00:17:24,627 --> 00:17:27,713
above the Roxy on Sunset Boulevard.

269
00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:30,466
There's a bar above it,
it's called On the Rox.

270
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:32,593
Get it? 'Cause it's on top...

271
00:17:32,677 --> 00:17:33,761
So, um...

272
00:17:35,805 --> 00:17:38,450
There's all these office parties up there.
Everyone's getting plastered.

273
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:41,727
And then below us in the Roxy,
there's a rock show going on.

274
00:17:41,811 --> 00:17:43,604
And everyone's doing drugs and drinking.

275
00:17:43,688 --> 00:17:46,774
And then next door
is the Rainbow Bar and Grill,

276
00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:50,570
a big heavy metal, headbanger bar,
and they're all getting wasted.

277
00:17:50,653 --> 00:17:53,072
And then 2:00 a.m. rolls around,

278
00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:56,492
"Everyone out in the parking lot.
Get your cars. Bar's closed."

279
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:59,495
So all three venues
let out at the same time.

280
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:02,832
Drunk office workers, drunk metal heads,
drunk concert goers,

281
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,209
all in a big drunken blob

282
00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:08,129
at 2:00 a.m. on Sunset Strip.

283
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:12,800
So there's a group of people, all
in suits, clearly an office party.

284
00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:16,679
They're waiting at valet to get their car,
and one of the members of their group

285
00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:23,227
was this black guy who was 5'3",
and I can't stress this enough,

286
00:18:23,311 --> 00:18:25,313
really wide.

287
00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:32,153
Just this round, roly-poly butterball,
with a big, chubby, round face

288
00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:34,322
and his little fat chubby hands.

289
00:18:34,405 --> 00:18:37,700
He's got a big cigar in his hand.
He's talking with his friends about stuff.

290
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:39,744
And there they are chatting.

291
00:18:40,911 --> 00:18:45,333
Then out of the Rainbow Bar and Grill
come these two big dudes.

292
00:18:45,416 --> 00:18:47,960
Good-looking dudes. Muscular dudes.

293
00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:52,089
Wearing suits, got the collar open,
showing off the chest.

294
00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:55,384
One of the guy's got a cowboy hat on
and cowboy boots.

295
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:59,180
The other guy's Middle Eastern,
got a gold chain. They look good.

296
00:18:59,263 --> 00:19:03,851
They had clearly gone out
to get some pussy that night

297
00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:06,020
and no pussy had been got.

298
00:19:08,272 --> 00:19:10,608
And you could see the vibe
coming off of them,

299
00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:13,319
which was, "We are gonna start a fight.

300
00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:18,366
I wanted... My skin's gonna hit skin
at one velocity or another tonight.

301
00:19:20,451 --> 00:19:22,703
I tried to go slow and easy."

302
00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:28,959
So they're coming out and they
walk by this group of office workers.

303
00:19:29,043 --> 00:19:33,047
And the cowboy guy kind of deliberately
bumps the black dude.

304
00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:37,760
He keeps walking, but he turns around
and goes, "Hey, watch it," to the guy.

305
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:39,929
Black guys says...

306
00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:45,434
"Well, you watch it. I'm not moving.
You're moving. I don't have to watch it."

307
00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:50,981
The...

308
00:19:52,441 --> 00:19:55,236
The cowboy guy says,

309
00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:56,612
"What?"

310
00:20:00,783 --> 00:20:05,746
Now, had I been the black guy,
my response would have been,

311
00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:08,666
"Oh, my God,
I'm so completely in the wrong right now.

312
00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:12,461
Please let me apologize to you.
I will watch it.

313
00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:14,171
You win. Don't kill me."

314
00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:19,051
But the black guy's response was,

315
00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:24,265
"I said... I don't have to watch it
'cause I'm not walking.

316
00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:26,767
You're walking. You watch it."

317
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:32,982
The...

318
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:36,318
The cowboy guy says,
"That's it motherfucker.

319
00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:38,529
Fucking boots are coming off."

320
00:20:40,531 --> 00:20:43,743
And he kicks his boots off. I know.

321
00:20:43,826 --> 00:20:46,912
Now this doesn't happen enough
in real life, but you ever...

322
00:20:46,996 --> 00:20:50,332
I love it when a whole group of strangers
are hanging out,

323
00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:52,418
even people that wouldn't
normally be friends,

324
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:55,463
and then a way bigger douche bag shows up.

325
00:20:55,546 --> 00:21:00,134
And just for a second, everyone's friends,
just reacting to the douche bag.

326
00:21:00,217 --> 00:21:03,363
Because suddenly total strangers are like,
"Did he say he's taking his boots off?

327
00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:05,181
You heard that? Okay. Whatever."

328
00:21:06,140 --> 00:21:09,560
If there had been a Nation of Islam guy
and a skinhead, they both would have gone,

329
00:21:09,643 --> 00:21:12,897
"Did he just say he's taking off
his boots? He said that, right?

330
00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:14,648
Okay. I thought I was going crazy."

331
00:21:14,732 --> 00:21:15,775
So...

332
00:21:17,026 --> 00:21:18,736
Now...

333
00:21:18,819 --> 00:21:24,784
the fucking cowboy guy
is now barefoot on the pavement...

334
00:21:25,451 --> 00:21:27,703
snaking in on this dude,

335
00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:31,874
the short 5'3", wide, chubby black guy.

336
00:21:31,957 --> 00:21:34,668
He looked good doing it.
I think this guy fucking knows kung fu.

337
00:21:34,752 --> 00:21:37,004
And he's fucking moving in.
He's gonna fuck...

338
00:21:37,087 --> 00:21:38,714
The black guy is not reacting.

339
00:21:38,798 --> 00:21:41,926
He's just standing there with his cigar,
watching the guy move in.

340
00:21:44,804 --> 00:21:50,184
The cowboy guy gets right up on him,
gets his hands on the black guy's lapel.

341
00:21:50,267 --> 00:21:53,687
And then the black guy...
He didn't put his cigar down to do this,

342
00:21:53,771 --> 00:21:56,065
which haunts me till this day.

343
00:22:00,945 --> 00:22:05,699
Cowboy's got his hands around his lapel,
and the black guy just...

344
00:22:05,783 --> 00:22:07,243
picked him up.

345
00:22:13,123 --> 00:22:18,754
And when I say picked him up,
I don't mean he went like...

346
00:22:18,838 --> 00:22:23,592
I mean, vroom, off his feet.
It took that much effort.

347
00:22:23,676 --> 00:22:26,262
The guy... He was holding the guy
over his head,

348
00:22:26,345 --> 00:22:28,138
and then he immediately dropped him.

349
00:22:30,432 --> 00:22:32,309
Now, the...

350
00:22:34,103 --> 00:22:36,480
The cowboy guy's evening in his mind

351
00:22:36,564 --> 00:22:40,317
did not include being lifted up
over someone's head,

352
00:22:40,401 --> 00:22:42,486
so he only fell five feet,

353
00:22:42,570 --> 00:22:48,284
but he absolutely did not break his fall
in any way.

354
00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:53,455
Everything hit, like, nose, chin, knees...
just blam on the asphalt.

355
00:22:53,539 --> 00:22:54,999
And then blood.

356
00:22:55,082 --> 00:22:59,461
And he was clearly so much pain
that his brain was like,

357
00:22:59,545 --> 00:23:01,856
"We're not gonna process this.
Why don't you just stand up."

358
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:05,342
And so he immediately gets up, he's like...

359
00:23:05,426 --> 00:23:08,804
He's still trying to motherfuck the guy,
"Fuck you. Come on, man!"

360
00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:11,307
But he's just barely standing,
he's in so much...

361
00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:13,892
And to his credit, his friend,
the Middle Eastern guy, was,

362
00:23:13,976 --> 00:23:17,521
"Ah, we're good. Thank you."
And grabbed the guys boots.

363
00:23:17,605 --> 00:23:20,816
"Let's get you in a cab, buddy."
His friend was immediately sober.

364
00:23:20,899 --> 00:23:22,526
"We'll get you a cab and go right home."

365
00:23:23,944 --> 00:23:26,864
Pushes his friend in a cab
and they ride off.

366
00:23:26,947 --> 00:23:30,993
And now I cannot take my eyes
off this black guy.

367
00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:35,664
By the way, when they left,
the black guy just turned to his friends,

368
00:23:35,748 --> 00:23:39,752
"So, are we bringing in muffins on Monday
for the Christmas party or what are we... "

369
00:23:39,835 --> 00:23:42,921
Like never even again mentioned
what had just happened.

370
00:23:45,049 --> 00:23:49,887
So, I can't take... I'm like,
"What the fuck did I see? What is this?"

371
00:23:49,970 --> 00:23:52,473
It took me a while looking at the guy,
and I realize,

372
00:23:52,556 --> 00:23:56,101
"Oh, he's a powerlifter."

373
00:23:56,185 --> 00:23:59,063
'Cause real powerlifters,
the serious ones,

374
00:23:59,146 --> 00:24:02,107
their bodies, they look like
these little chubby guys.

375
00:24:02,191 --> 00:24:05,277
It's like their torso turns into a bicep.

376
00:24:05,361 --> 00:24:09,406
It's just one lifting...
It's like a bicep with a dick and legs.

377
00:24:09,490 --> 00:24:14,662
And that's his... that's his one move,
just lift and drop. Like if...

378
00:24:16,747 --> 00:24:19,667
Like, "What was your favorite fight
you've ever seen, Patton?"

379
00:24:19,750 --> 00:24:23,712
"It was like a <i>Street Fighter</i> video game.
It was, like, lift and fatality.

380
00:24:23,796 --> 00:24:25,005
Like that was the whole... "

381
00:24:26,298 --> 00:24:27,925
Oh, okay.

382
00:24:39,937 --> 00:24:44,692
Speaking of thinking I'm going crazy...
and I've said this a few times...

383
00:24:45,526 --> 00:24:47,712
and audience members are going,
"Yeah, that's happened too."

384
00:24:47,736 --> 00:24:50,572
So it's not just happening to me, but...

385
00:24:50,656 --> 00:24:53,534
Okay, before I say this,
you all have gotten robocalls,

386
00:24:53,617 --> 00:24:57,454
where you pick up the phone, "How would
you like an exciting time-share?"

387
00:24:57,538 --> 00:25:00,874
Oh, fuck it, and you just hang up.
It was a goddamn robocall.

388
00:25:01,375 --> 00:25:05,587
But I've gotten a couple of calls recently
where I pick up the phone

389
00:25:05,671 --> 00:25:08,549
and it's a woman's voice,
and she'll go, "Hey, how you doing?"

390
00:25:08,632 --> 00:25:09,800
I'm like, "I'm good."

391
00:25:10,884 --> 00:25:14,138
Then she goes, "So I wonder... Hang on,
something's wrong with my headset."

392
00:25:14,221 --> 00:25:17,766
And she'll adjust her headset.
Okay, so it's not just me.

393
00:25:17,850 --> 00:25:20,269
And then I'll go, "Oh, that's okay."

394
00:25:20,352 --> 00:25:25,023
And then she'll start talking
and it's just a recorded pitch for a...

395
00:25:25,107 --> 00:25:30,946
The whole thing is a recording, including
the, "Something's wrong with my headset."

396
00:25:31,029 --> 00:25:33,574
And three different times I've gone,
"That's okay."

397
00:25:33,657 --> 00:25:36,618
And then they go into their stupid pitch.

398
00:25:36,702 --> 00:25:39,455
And then when I hang up, I'm like,
"You motherfucker."

399
00:25:39,538 --> 00:25:43,584
Like I'm so angry, "I'm gonna burn
your building down if I figure out... "

400
00:25:44,918 --> 00:25:47,296
'Cause they just tricked me
and I'm so angry.

401
00:25:47,921 --> 00:25:50,233
Also it makes me...
First I'm angry 'cause they tricked me.

402
00:25:50,257 --> 00:25:52,468
Second, I'm angry because what that means

403
00:25:52,551 --> 00:25:55,429
is some robocall company
had a meeting and said,

404
00:25:55,512 --> 00:25:58,974
"We can't just have them pick up the phone
and the guys goes, ‘Would you like a'-

405
00:25:59,057 --> 00:26:03,312
We gotta add a little zest and pizzazz
to hook 'em,

406
00:26:03,395 --> 00:26:06,082
then they'll listen to the whole thing,
and the idea... it means they... "

407
00:26:06,106 --> 00:26:09,234
And they found some failed screenwriter,
out-of-work playwright,

408
00:26:09,318 --> 00:26:14,531
and the idea that the man or woman
came up with and got paid for,

409
00:26:14,615 --> 00:26:18,786
the level of drama they came up with was,
"Oh, let me just adjust my headset."

410
00:26:19,495 --> 00:26:20,954
That's as far as they went.

411
00:26:21,789 --> 00:26:24,458
If you, okay, if you've already committed

412
00:26:24,541 --> 00:26:28,378
to just completely bullshitting me
on a robocall,

413
00:26:28,462 --> 00:26:31,215
entertain me, just go for it.

414
00:26:31,298 --> 00:26:35,886
When I pick up that phone, like, "Hello,"
I should hear like, "He's stabbing me.

415
00:26:35,969 --> 00:26:39,306
Oh, God, I'm... I'm bleeding out.

416
00:26:39,389 --> 00:26:43,310
I saw...
He's killing everyone in the office.

417
00:26:43,393 --> 00:26:45,813
I'm hiding. Please listen.

418
00:26:45,896 --> 00:26:52,069
I promised my son when I left today
I would sell one time-share in Boca Raton.

419
00:26:52,152 --> 00:26:54,363
If you could just please...

420
00:26:54,446 --> 00:26:58,408
Oh, God,
please just hit ‘two' on your phone."

421
00:27:03,997 --> 00:27:07,835
Pick up the phone, "They've launched
the missiles! They emptied all the silos!

422
00:27:07,918 --> 00:27:11,880
The only safe place
is Sandy Cove in Monterey, California.

423
00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:15,759
Press ‘two' to hear about
an exciting new offer!

424
00:27:15,843 --> 00:27:17,970
You need to repopulate the earth!"

425
00:27:22,391 --> 00:27:25,018
Let's meet my front row. Hi.

426
00:27:26,061 --> 00:27:27,688
- Do you live in Chicago?
- I do.

427
00:27:27,771 --> 00:27:31,817
- What do you do in Chicago?
- Um, I do public relations.

428
00:27:31,900 --> 00:27:35,195
What was the last thing
you had to public relate?

429
00:27:35,279 --> 00:27:39,241
Uh... I work for a credit union.

430
00:27:39,324 --> 00:27:40,826
Ooh, a credit union.

431
00:27:42,035 --> 00:27:45,247
What a... the fucking exciting,
glitzy world of PR.

432
00:27:46,874 --> 00:27:50,419
"Could you try to tell people
that our 3.9 spread rate

433
00:27:50,502 --> 00:27:53,922
has now gone down to 3.6 percent?

434
00:27:54,006 --> 00:27:57,801
And... if you could add
a little zhoosh and sparkle to it,

435
00:27:57,885 --> 00:28:00,512
that would be fantastic."

436
00:28:01,096 --> 00:28:03,599
You're sitting there with...
All right. So, you...

437
00:28:03,682 --> 00:28:07,394
What did you need to relate to the public
about this credit union?

438
00:28:07,477 --> 00:28:09,980
Uh, we have a new credit card.

439
00:28:10,063 --> 00:28:12,357
A new credit card!

440
00:28:12,441 --> 00:28:14,151
And how did you make that exciting?

441
00:28:15,485 --> 00:28:16,987
I don't know that I did.

442
00:28:18,530 --> 00:28:20,115
Oh, my God!

443
00:28:21,992 --> 00:28:23,327
Wow!

444
00:28:23,827 --> 00:28:29,291
I... She literally just went,
"I think I failed. I don't think I made...

445
00:28:29,374 --> 00:28:31,126
I don't think I did it."

446
00:28:31,209 --> 00:28:33,879
You said that like you literally
realized it that moment.

447
00:28:33,962 --> 00:28:36,214
It wasn't till I brought it up to you,
you're like,

448
00:28:36,298 --> 00:28:38,592
"I failed it. Oh, my God!

449
00:28:39,343 --> 00:28:41,678
They depended on me!

450
00:28:41,762 --> 00:28:45,641
That was their exciting new card
and I told people it was made out of shit.

451
00:28:45,724 --> 00:28:47,309
What was I thinking?"

452
00:28:48,477 --> 00:28:50,562
You didn't make it exciting.
What was the...

453
00:28:50,646 --> 00:28:53,440
What was your biggest success so far
as a PR person?

454
00:28:53,523 --> 00:28:57,486
What's the thing that you related
the fuck out of to the public?

455
00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:00,364
What do you consider...
What do you consider

456
00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:04,910
your <i>Sgt. Peppers</i> in the PR world, so far?

457
00:29:04,993 --> 00:29:06,828
Oh, gosh. Oh.

458
00:29:06,912 --> 00:29:11,291
Is it too many to name,
or has it been a string of disasters?

459
00:29:12,709 --> 00:29:16,546
Am I talking to the worst PR person
in the Windy City?

460
00:29:17,839 --> 00:29:18,840
Probably.

461
00:29:19,424 --> 00:29:20,676
Really?

462
00:29:20,759 --> 00:29:24,930
You're laughing a little too confidently
at that, "I think he might be."

463
00:29:27,557 --> 00:29:30,519
"He might just be. That's right.

464
00:29:30,602 --> 00:29:34,523
I... This is funny. I destroy lives.
That's what I... "

465
00:29:38,026 --> 00:29:41,530
What would be a thing you would say,
like, "Fuck, I really nailed that one."

466
00:29:42,489 --> 00:29:43,699
I...

467
00:29:43,782 --> 00:29:47,411
Oh, my God, this is depressing.
There's, like, nothing here.

468
00:29:47,494 --> 00:29:50,914
My prior job, I worked for a labor union.

469
00:29:50,998 --> 00:29:53,292
You worked for a labor union,
and you said,

470
00:29:53,375 --> 00:29:57,004
"No, man, I gotta rock and roll
this shit up and start working PR."

471
00:29:57,796 --> 00:30:00,590
You're depressing the fuck...
This is awful. I've like...

472
00:30:00,674 --> 00:30:04,094
I've made someone realize they've made
a horrible mistake in their life.

473
00:30:05,220 --> 00:30:07,556
This is a terrible way
to start off crowd work.

474
00:30:10,225 --> 00:30:12,345
Now the whole front's going,
"Please don't talk to me.

475
00:30:12,394 --> 00:30:15,689
I-I actually like my life.
Please don't ask me what I do.

476
00:30:15,772 --> 00:30:17,691
Don't make me question my existence."

477
00:30:19,026 --> 00:30:21,278
Let me go destroy someone else.
I'll be right back.

478
00:30:22,946 --> 00:30:26,033
- Hi! Do you live in Chicago, sir?
- I do.

479
00:30:26,116 --> 00:30:27,534
- In the city?
- Yes.

480
00:30:27,617 --> 00:30:30,329
- What do you do in the city?
- I work in construction.

481
00:30:30,412 --> 00:30:33,290
In construction.
Do you actually build with your hands?

482
00:30:33,373 --> 00:30:36,001
Are you the guy going,
"We need a load of steel for the... "

483
00:30:36,084 --> 00:30:38,712
You're like... You're the guy
in the trailer, right, making calls?

484
00:30:38,795 --> 00:30:41,965
- "Yeah, you guys are good."
- So you're the guy like...

485
00:30:42,049 --> 00:30:44,634
"You guys go up there
with your little hard hats and... "

486
00:30:44,718 --> 00:30:46,219
Smart. Very good.

487
00:30:46,303 --> 00:30:48,263
But hang on, did you have to work your...

488
00:30:48,347 --> 00:30:51,600
Did you have to earn the trailer,
or did you start off in the trailer?

489
00:30:51,683 --> 00:30:53,602
Will you ever work walking the high steel?

490
00:30:53,685 --> 00:30:55,520
- Not once. No.
- Never.

491
00:30:55,604 --> 00:30:57,647
You fuckin' college puke!

492
00:30:57,731 --> 00:30:59,608
What the hell do you know

493
00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:02,986
about a guy with his lunch pail
up 80 stories,

494
00:31:03,070 --> 00:31:06,281
watching his best friend fall
into a bucket of hot rivets?

495
00:31:10,160 --> 00:31:11,370
Just got all blue-collar.

496
00:31:11,453 --> 00:31:14,247
I've literally never done
any physical labor in my life.

497
00:31:15,957 --> 00:31:18,543
Do you get guys on the site just going,
"You never... "

498
00:31:18,627 --> 00:31:20,670
Like, is that a plus or a minus

499
00:31:20,754 --> 00:31:24,216
that you've never actually been up
on the site or they don't give a shit?

500
00:31:24,966 --> 00:31:28,178
- They might have a chip on their shoulder.
- A little chip on their shoulder.

501
00:31:28,261 --> 00:31:29,846
That's right. It's fuckin' Bruce...

502
00:31:29,930 --> 00:31:31,973
They're Bruce Springsteen
and you're Radiohead, man.

503
00:31:32,057 --> 00:31:33,809
They don't... You know what I mean?

504
00:31:33,892 --> 00:31:39,356
They're out there born to run,
and you're, "Oh, androids and depression."

505
00:31:41,858 --> 00:31:44,945
Ooh!

506
00:31:47,864 --> 00:31:52,119
Did you study construction in college,
or how did you get into construction?

507
00:31:52,202 --> 00:31:54,538
- Civil engineering.
- Civil engineering.

508
00:31:54,621 --> 00:31:57,707
You college puke. Look at you!

509
00:31:57,791 --> 00:32:01,169
What do you know from a book?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

510
00:32:03,130 --> 00:32:05,382
What was the latest project
you helped construct?

511
00:32:05,465 --> 00:32:09,386
- The Obama Center.
- Oh, the Obama Center! Nice!

512
00:32:09,469 --> 00:32:12,556
Good! Thank God.

513
00:32:19,312 --> 00:32:21,523
What is it?
Is it gonna be a giant brick building

514
00:32:21,606 --> 00:32:24,776
in the shape of the words "miss me,"
or, like, how is that gonna...?

515
00:32:29,448 --> 00:32:32,242
When you say Obama Center,
is it like his library

516
00:32:32,325 --> 00:32:34,536
or like more of a thing...
or is it like a...

517
00:32:34,619 --> 00:32:36,705
What happens at the Obama Center?

518
00:32:36,788 --> 00:32:38,790
- It's a museum.
- Mm-hmm.

519
00:32:38,874 --> 00:32:42,169
It's an interactive space
and like a library as well.

520
00:32:42,252 --> 00:32:46,131
Wow. And you
have the last cubic inch of hope

521
00:32:46,214 --> 00:32:47,924
under glass in there, right?

522
00:32:48,008 --> 00:32:53,722
You have the last cubic inch of optimism
that you have under a little light.

523
00:32:53,805 --> 00:32:56,141
You're only allowed to look at it
for just a second.

524
00:32:56,224 --> 00:32:58,664
They just, "No, that's it.
No, move, move, move. Don't touch!"

525
00:33:00,812 --> 00:33:01,897
Wow.

526
00:33:02,689 --> 00:33:05,626
I don't know if I can follow Obama Center,
but I'm gonna talk to one more person.

527
00:33:05,650 --> 00:33:06,902
Let's see what happens.

528
00:33:07,736 --> 00:33:10,113
First, I made a PR person
question their life.

529
00:33:11,239 --> 00:33:13,909
Then I talked to the guy
that's building the Obama Center.

530
00:33:14,618 --> 00:33:18,538
Now let's talk to a child pornographer.
Let's see...

531
00:33:18,622 --> 00:33:21,291
Let's take this
right into the fucking toilet.

532
00:33:24,669 --> 00:33:26,630
How about you with the cool glasses?

533
00:33:26,713 --> 00:33:27,923
Hi, sir.

534
00:33:28,006 --> 00:33:29,799
Do you live in Chicago?

535
00:33:29,883 --> 00:33:32,093
You live in... Cool.
You live in the actual city.

536
00:33:32,177 --> 00:33:33,637
- Yeah.
- What do you do in the city?

537
00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:36,389
- I'm a comedy writer.
- You're a comedy writer.

538
00:33:36,473 --> 00:33:38,642
Oh, this is gonna be death.
All right, um...

539
00:33:42,437 --> 00:33:44,814
Sorry.

540
00:33:45,774 --> 00:33:47,734
When you say...

541
00:33:47,817 --> 00:33:49,736
you're a comedy writer,
who do you work for?

542
00:33:49,819 --> 00:33:51,488
<i>- The Onion.</i>
- Oh, <i>The Onion.</i>

543
00:33:51,571 --> 00:33:54,199
Well, I'm not talking...
You put on this event. I can't...

544
00:33:54,282 --> 00:33:57,410
This is like talking to the boss
at the Christmas party.

545
00:33:57,494 --> 00:33:59,621
"Hey, let's bring him up here, guys.
This is good.

546
00:33:59,704 --> 00:34:03,208
This guy's nutty.
Come on, let's see what he has to say."

547
00:34:05,252 --> 00:34:09,881
How does it... You write for the <i>A.V. Club</i>
or the actual <i>Onion</i> website?

548
00:34:09,965 --> 00:34:12,175
Uh, <i>The Onion</i>, the satirical part.

549
00:34:12,259 --> 00:34:14,469
The satirical part?

550
00:34:14,553 --> 00:34:17,514
How does... Sorry.
How does the <i>Whiplash</i> feel

551
00:34:17,597 --> 00:34:21,393
watching reality just pissing
all over satire every day?

552
00:34:21,476 --> 00:34:22,894
Like, how do you even...

553
00:34:24,187 --> 00:34:25,730
How many...

554
00:34:25,814 --> 00:34:27,065
How much...

555
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:31,861
How many cubic feet of coke are snorted
in the offices every day at this point?

556
00:34:31,945 --> 00:34:34,739
I mean, it's got to be nuts.
How are you guys coping?

557
00:34:34,823 --> 00:34:36,157
I think pretty good.

558
00:34:36,241 --> 00:34:37,951
- Pretty good?
- Yeah.

559
00:34:38,034 --> 00:34:40,078
You know it's just gonna get
more and more insane.

560
00:34:40,161 --> 00:34:44,666
Like, you don't know... Oh, fuck, dude,
I actually feel weirdly bad for you.

561
00:34:46,751 --> 00:34:48,753
You know what you could use?

562
00:34:48,837 --> 00:34:52,632
Some good PR.
Let me introduce you to this...

563
00:34:52,716 --> 00:34:54,551
There you go. You call her.

564
00:34:55,135 --> 00:34:56,136
There you go.

565
00:34:57,512 --> 00:34:59,598
That's right. Call her.

566
00:35:00,849 --> 00:35:03,727
Let her fail you. That's all I ask.

567
00:35:05,895 --> 00:35:08,940
Then for relief, go to the Obama Center.
Both you guys, meet at the Obam...

568
00:35:09,024 --> 00:35:10,984
You two meet at the Obama Center.

569
00:35:11,067 --> 00:35:13,194
And you're like, "We're having an iron...

570
00:35:13,278 --> 00:35:16,114
You have an ‘irony' deficiency."

571
00:35:31,838 --> 00:35:32,839
Stupid.

572
00:35:34,132 --> 00:35:35,675
Oh!

573
00:35:36,676 --> 00:35:37,802
Yes.

574
00:35:43,725 --> 00:35:47,103
I'm just killing time. This next section
is very hard for me to get into.

575
00:35:47,187 --> 00:35:51,107
But it was really nice...
That was a fascinating front row. Wow.

576
00:35:51,191 --> 00:35:53,193
Thank you, guys.
Thank you so much. That was...

577
00:35:58,531 --> 00:35:59,574
So...

578
00:36:03,536 --> 00:36:04,579
The, uh...

579
00:36:05,538 --> 00:36:10,043
Just over a year ago, um,
I became a widower.

580
00:36:10,126 --> 00:36:12,337
And, uh, I have...

581
00:36:12,420 --> 00:36:15,632
I'm moving along as best I can.
It is, you know...

582
00:36:15,715 --> 00:36:19,803
I can get up and I can do my job.
I can be a dad.

583
00:36:19,886 --> 00:36:23,473
But, uh, it's not, you know... it's still...

584
00:36:23,556 --> 00:36:28,770
The wound is there. It is healing.
It's not shut yet. And, uh...

585
00:36:28,853 --> 00:36:32,774
Ooh, by the way, if one more person
wishes me strength

586
00:36:32,857 --> 00:36:35,193
on my healing journey,

587
00:36:35,276 --> 00:36:38,196
I'm gonna throw a balloon full of piss

588
00:36:38,279 --> 00:36:40,782
into every candle store on the planet,

589
00:36:40,865 --> 00:36:43,785
because... it's...

590
00:36:44,577 --> 00:36:46,913
It is not a healing journey.

591
00:36:46,996 --> 00:36:49,999
Uh, and calling it a healing journey
makes it harder, by the way.

592
00:36:50,083 --> 00:36:53,712
When I'm... When it's 4:00 a.m.
and I'm in the backyard crying,

593
00:36:53,795 --> 00:36:57,549
and looking at the sky in my underwear,
uh, you know, it doesn't feel...

594
00:36:57,632 --> 00:37:00,152
I'm like, "I think I'm fucking up
my healing journey right now."

595
00:37:01,636 --> 00:37:04,806
If they would call it a "numb slog,"
then I could at least go,

596
00:37:04,889 --> 00:37:06,266
"I'm nailing it. All right.

597
00:37:06,349 --> 00:37:09,811
I'm... right where I need to be
on my "numb slog."

598
00:37:11,312 --> 00:37:15,567
And also, it... There's no sense to it.

599
00:37:15,650 --> 00:37:18,820
It doesn't have...
And that was my, you know... my...

600
00:37:18,903 --> 00:37:21,322
My wife was a true-crime writer
and researcher,

601
00:37:21,406 --> 00:37:24,617
and the phrase she hated the most was,

602
00:37:24,701 --> 00:37:27,495
"You know, everything happens
for a reason."

603
00:37:27,579 --> 00:37:29,289
She's like, "No, it fuckin' doesn't.

604
00:37:29,372 --> 00:37:33,209
It's chaos. It's all random.
And it's horrifying.

605
00:37:33,293 --> 00:37:37,547
And if you want to try to reduce
the horror and reduce the chaos,

606
00:37:37,630 --> 00:37:39,549
be kind, that's all you can do.

607
00:37:39,632 --> 00:37:42,302
It's chaos. Be kind."
She would just say that all the...

608
00:37:42,385 --> 00:37:44,637
"It's chaos. Be kind."

609
00:37:45,722 --> 00:37:47,015
Now...

610
00:37:50,560 --> 00:37:53,772
I would always... We'd have these huge
philosophical arguments where I was like,

611
00:37:53,855 --> 00:37:57,859
"I don't believe
in an intelligent creator, per se.

612
00:37:57,942 --> 00:38:03,072
I think that there might be a lattice work
of logic and meaning to the universe

613
00:38:03,156 --> 00:38:05,200
that maybe we're too small to see."

614
00:38:05,283 --> 00:38:08,787
And she was like,
"Sweetie, it's all random. It's all chaos.

615
00:38:08,870 --> 00:38:13,208
It's chaos. Be kind. It's chaos. Be kind."
And we would go back and forth.

616
00:38:13,291 --> 00:38:17,962
And then she won the argument
in the shittiest way possible!

617
00:38:24,552 --> 00:38:29,432
And if there is some intelligence up there
with a plan,

618
00:38:29,516 --> 00:38:32,435
then his or her or its plan sucks.

619
00:38:32,519 --> 00:38:37,398
If part of the plan was looking at me
and Michelle as a couple,

620
00:38:37,482 --> 00:38:40,735
and go, "Well, I gotta take one of them.
Now, let me see.

621
00:38:40,819 --> 00:38:45,156
She investigates cold cases
and tries to bring a sense of relief

622
00:38:45,240 --> 00:38:48,993
and sense to bereaved families.

623
00:38:49,077 --> 00:38:51,704
And, uh, he talks about his dick
in front of drunks.

624
00:38:51,788 --> 00:38:56,501
Now, who... should I take
off the planet right now?"

625
00:38:56,584 --> 00:38:59,921
That's like looking down and seeing,
like, Louis Pasteur

626
00:39:00,004 --> 00:39:03,591
and the guy who fluffs the donkey
at the Tijuana fuck show.

627
00:39:03,675 --> 00:39:04,843
And you're like, "Well...

628
00:39:08,012 --> 00:39:10,849
those donkey dicks aren't gonna
get hard on their own. I gotta...

629
00:39:12,267 --> 00:39:14,978
Someone's gonna invent
pasteurization eventually."

630
00:39:19,107 --> 00:39:23,194
And then everything failed me.
Everything. Pop culture.

631
00:39:23,278 --> 00:39:27,282
All this shit, all my little escape routes
that I used to go to for comfort...

632
00:39:27,365 --> 00:39:30,577
comic books, science fiction,
film, literature...

633
00:39:30,660 --> 00:39:33,162
all that stuff immediately failed me.

634
00:39:33,246 --> 00:39:36,916
Especially superheroes in comic books.
Out the window.

635
00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:40,962
Every superhero,
all these action heroes I worship,

636
00:39:41,045 --> 00:39:43,756
it's always... it's always a widower,

637
00:39:43,840 --> 00:39:48,678
someone who has lost a wife
or a child or their whole family.

638
00:39:48,761 --> 00:39:52,056
And they do the thing that everyone does
the minute you lose a loved one.

639
00:39:52,140 --> 00:39:54,851
You know what I'm talking about,
CrossFit and martial arts.

640
00:39:54,934 --> 00:39:57,937
That's the first thing you do.
You get really cut.

641
00:39:58,021 --> 00:40:02,692
I mean, look, that's what I did, guys.
I got right super into tae kwon do.

642
00:40:02,775 --> 00:40:05,278
Look, the...

643
00:40:06,779 --> 00:40:08,781
And by the way, all these guys...

644
00:40:09,157 --> 00:40:12,076
They have the Batman
and the John Wicks of the world.

645
00:40:12,160 --> 00:40:16,789
Uh, they're always shown, like,
standing over their wife's grave,

646
00:40:16,873 --> 00:40:19,542
at night, in the rain,

647
00:40:19,626 --> 00:40:23,421
in a trench coat,
looking grim and focused.

648
00:40:23,504 --> 00:40:27,842
And that's... Cemeteries close at 6:00.
I know this. That's bullshit.

649
00:40:28,384 --> 00:40:31,804
If they're doing that, that means they
climbed over the fence like an asshole.

650
00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:35,743
There was some guy in the security hut
looking at the monitor,

651
00:40:35,767 --> 00:40:38,353
"There's that douche bag
climbing over the gate again.

652
00:40:38,895 --> 00:40:41,648
We're open nine hours a day.
I don't know why he comes here at night.

653
00:40:43,149 --> 00:40:45,360
Stand there
with that Offspring song playing."

654
00:40:51,866 --> 00:40:54,661
Batman especially.
Batman can go fuck himself. That guy...

655
00:40:55,870 --> 00:40:59,749
His... He's nine years old, his parents
are gunned down in front of him,

656
00:40:59,832 --> 00:41:03,920
and he travels the world becoming
this superpowered ninja, fighting...

657
00:41:04,003 --> 00:41:07,048
What the... At best, at best,

658
00:41:07,131 --> 00:41:12,303
Bruce Wayne would have grown up to be
Gotham City's most annoying slam poet.

659
00:41:12,387 --> 00:41:15,431
That is the best he would have become.

660
00:41:17,058 --> 00:41:21,062
That's the best... He would have been
one of those trust fund...

661
00:41:21,145 --> 00:41:23,564
He would have been a fat vegan,
I know that.

662
00:41:23,648 --> 00:41:26,943
He would have been a fat vegan.
You ever see a fat vegan?

663
00:41:27,026 --> 00:41:30,130
- "I thought you said you were a vegan?"
- "You know, Oreos don't have any anim... "

664
00:41:30,154 --> 00:41:33,574
All right, fuck you right...

665
00:41:38,454 --> 00:41:41,207
He'd be on stage with his poems,
"Bang, bang, in the alley."

666
00:41:41,290 --> 00:41:43,084
Everyone, "Boo!"

667
00:41:53,720 --> 00:41:55,138
Second worst day of my life...

668
00:41:56,055 --> 00:41:58,725
was the day that my wife passed away.

669
00:41:58,808 --> 00:42:00,852
That is the second worst day of my life.

670
00:42:00,935 --> 00:42:06,733
The worst day of my life was the day after

671
00:42:06,816 --> 00:42:09,360
when I had to tell our daughter.

672
00:42:09,444 --> 00:42:12,572
Uh, my wife passed away
while she was at school,

673
00:42:12,655 --> 00:42:17,035
so in between screaming and vomiting
and freaking out,

674
00:42:17,118 --> 00:42:20,163
I talked to the school and told them
what happened and what do I do.

675
00:42:20,246 --> 00:42:22,915
And the principal talked to me.
She was amazing and said,

676
00:42:22,999 --> 00:42:26,210
"She can't come home from school

677
00:42:26,294 --> 00:42:29,255
and then you tell her
and then she has to go to bed.

678
00:42:29,338 --> 00:42:31,132
You can't, like... Oh, you know...

679
00:42:31,215 --> 00:42:35,470
You can't send her off into sleep
and that trauma's just hit her.

680
00:42:35,553 --> 00:42:40,183
Tomorrow's Friday. Keep her out of school.
Have a fun daddy-daughter morning.

681
00:42:40,266 --> 00:42:45,605
Then at noon, tell her and then be there
with her while she works through it.

682
00:42:45,688 --> 00:42:50,359
It's gonna be horrible, but just be there.
Give her the day. Do it... "

683
00:42:50,443 --> 00:42:54,113
She said, "Tell her in the sunshine."
That's how she put it.

684
00:42:54,197 --> 00:42:58,326
So we did it.
In the morning, we went and had fun.

685
00:42:58,409 --> 00:42:59,911
And then, uh...

686
00:43:00,536 --> 00:43:04,499
I sat down... with my daughter,

687
00:43:04,582 --> 00:43:08,336
and I looked... I looked at my daughter

688
00:43:08,419 --> 00:43:11,047
and destroyed her world.

689
00:43:11,130 --> 00:43:15,468
I had to look at this little girl

690
00:43:15,551 --> 00:43:19,806
that was everything to me
and take everything from her.

691
00:43:19,889 --> 00:43:23,810
And I've... That... That I...

692
00:43:23,893 --> 00:43:27,772
That's gonna be longer for me
to recover from than my wife passing away.

693
00:43:27,855 --> 00:43:29,690
It was horrifying.

694
00:43:29,774 --> 00:43:33,820
And hours and hours later,
after crying and holding her, you know,

695
00:43:33,903 --> 00:43:36,948
and I said, "Whatever you need to do,
I will do it.

696
00:43:37,031 --> 00:43:40,076
If you don't wanna go to school
for a month, you don't have to go.

697
00:43:40,159 --> 00:43:43,454
If you wanna... We'll travel anywhere.
I'll stay here with you.

698
00:43:43,538 --> 00:43:45,623
You know, I canceled everything.
I just wanna be... "

699
00:43:45,706 --> 00:43:48,751
And then after she calmed down, she said,

700
00:43:48,835 --> 00:43:52,630
"I wanna go to school on Monday.
I wanna go to school on Monday."

701
00:43:52,713 --> 00:43:56,759
I realized what she was saying is,
"I want some normalcy.

702
00:43:56,843 --> 00:43:58,427
If my mom were here,

703
00:43:58,511 --> 00:44:00,864
I'd be going to school on Monday,
so I'm gonna go to school on Monday.

704
00:44:00,888 --> 00:44:03,808
Even if it's an illusion,
I'm gonna grab a little bit of that."

705
00:44:03,891 --> 00:44:06,561
And I go, "I will take you to school
on Monday. We're going.

706
00:44:06,644 --> 00:44:08,646
We're gonna go, okay?"

707
00:44:08,729 --> 00:44:13,067
And Monday morning rolls around
and I'm bringing her to school.

708
00:44:13,151 --> 00:44:17,405
And now, I haven't slept in four days
and I'm bringing my daughter to school.

709
00:44:17,488 --> 00:44:22,451
So, as we're walking up,
it looked like a junkie had found a kid.

710
00:44:25,079 --> 00:44:30,209
And was just, "She said the grown-ups
get free apple slices. Is that true?"

711
00:44:30,293 --> 00:44:31,586
So...

712
00:44:32,753 --> 00:44:34,338
He, um...

713
00:44:35,631 --> 00:44:38,551
And I'm on the edge of hallucination
at this point,

714
00:44:38,634 --> 00:44:40,178
from grief and sleeplessness.

715
00:44:40,261 --> 00:44:43,221
All of her little friends who have been
told over the weekend what happened

716
00:44:43,264 --> 00:44:44,682
and the parents sat down with them,

717
00:44:44,765 --> 00:44:49,270
these adorable six- and seven-year-olds
are coming up and firing questions at me.

718
00:44:49,353 --> 00:44:52,064
Not meaning to be mean,
they have no filter. They're little kids.

719
00:44:52,148 --> 00:44:55,026
So, I'm surrounded
by these adorable faces saying,

720
00:44:55,109 --> 00:44:58,237
"When Alice's mom died, were you sad?"

721
00:44:58,321 --> 00:45:02,158
Like, just kind of melting,
"Yes, I was sad."

722
00:45:04,869 --> 00:45:07,538
"It's great to talk to children."

723
00:45:13,419 --> 00:45:16,589
A couple of her friends,
without meaning to, let slip

724
00:45:16,672 --> 00:45:19,467
a little too much about their home lives,
though, in their questions,

725
00:45:19,550 --> 00:45:21,636
which was kind of interesting.

726
00:45:23,054 --> 00:45:25,640
"Is Alice gonna have a stepmom?"

727
00:45:25,723 --> 00:45:29,268
"I'm not really thinking
about that right now. I don't know."

728
00:45:29,352 --> 00:45:31,479
"Because when my mom and dad
stopped living together,

729
00:45:31,562 --> 00:45:33,606
I had a stepmom right away."

730
00:45:42,865 --> 00:45:44,742
"I bet you did.

731
00:45:46,661 --> 00:45:50,039
Is she teaching you Russian right now,
because...

732
00:45:53,084 --> 00:45:56,545
I bet she's not teaching
your mom pilates anymore."

733
00:45:56,629 --> 00:45:57,672
All right.

734
00:46:03,344 --> 00:46:06,764
We got through the summer,
which was it's own nightmare.

735
00:46:06,847 --> 00:46:11,519
And then first day of first grade,
which I had to do alone.

736
00:46:11,602 --> 00:46:15,022
Normally my wife would go online
and fill out the forms.

737
00:46:15,106 --> 00:46:20,528
I was like, "I can't. How am I gonna... "
And I somehow did it.

738
00:46:20,611 --> 00:46:23,823
And I'm walking her up to first grade,
and I'm like,

739
00:46:23,906 --> 00:46:27,576
"I can't believe I actually...
There's lunch in her lunch box.

740
00:46:27,660 --> 00:46:30,746
She has a backpack.
I got her new clothes. Okay.

741
00:46:30,830 --> 00:46:32,915
Maybe I can do this?"

742
00:46:32,999 --> 00:46:35,793
Um, but it also hit me
as I'm walking her up there.

743
00:46:35,876 --> 00:46:41,007
I had not visited my wife's grave
since the funeral.

744
00:46:41,090 --> 00:46:42,925
I couldn't.
I just couldn't bear to go there.

745
00:46:43,009 --> 00:46:45,428
And I'm like, "You know what. Goddamn it.

746
00:46:45,511 --> 00:46:49,974
I'm gonna visit Michelle's grave
and I'm gonna sit and talk with her

747
00:46:50,057 --> 00:46:54,478
and I'm gonna say, ‘This world
need not concern you anymore.

748
00:46:55,187 --> 00:46:58,816
I've got it.
You go do whatever you have to do.

749
00:46:58,899 --> 00:47:01,902
You're not gone
because I see so much of you in Alice,

750
00:47:01,986 --> 00:47:05,948
and I will keep that healthy
and happy and growing.

751
00:47:06,032 --> 00:47:07,533
That's my job now.'"

752
00:47:07,616 --> 00:47:11,328
And I was gonna tell her all of that,
so I go to the cemetery.

753
00:47:11,412 --> 00:47:14,707
10:00 in the morning.
Clear blue... It was beautiful out.

754
00:47:14,790 --> 00:47:17,918
There's a little bench near the headstone

755
00:47:18,002 --> 00:47:20,463
and I'm sitting there
and I'm about to start talking,

756
00:47:20,546 --> 00:47:22,546
telling her this,
"This world may not concern you."

757
00:47:22,590 --> 00:47:24,300
Thirty feet this way...

758
00:47:25,134 --> 00:47:30,973
there's an Armenian family having
a screaming argument with each other.

759
00:47:32,183 --> 00:47:34,661
And their daughter is, like,
this teen Goth girl, who's walk...

760
00:47:34,685 --> 00:47:36,604
I don't know what this meant, by the way.

761
00:47:36,687 --> 00:47:39,273
She kept pointing
to random parts of the ground,

762
00:47:39,356 --> 00:47:42,026
and the father would just go, "No!"

763
00:47:45,780 --> 00:47:47,239
Then...

764
00:47:48,491 --> 00:47:51,202
seventy feet straight in front of me,

765
00:47:51,285 --> 00:47:55,081
there's an adorable Chinese family

766
00:47:55,164 --> 00:47:59,794
all sitting in beach chairs,
eating pizza at a headstone.

767
00:47:59,877 --> 00:48:02,880
And they have a boom box
and they are blaring

768
00:48:02,963 --> 00:48:05,716
Céline Dion's "My Heart Will Go On."

769
00:48:08,469 --> 00:48:09,595
Blaring.

770
00:48:09,678 --> 00:48:12,598
Except there's no real bass,
it's all treble,

771
00:48:12,681 --> 00:48:17,144
so it sounds like it's being performed
on a dentist drill, like it's so...

772
00:48:18,479 --> 00:48:21,190
And I'm sitting there trying to go, like,

773
00:48:21,273 --> 00:48:24,151
"Uh, this world may not exist... "

774
00:48:24,235 --> 00:48:26,695
"No!"

775
00:48:31,534 --> 00:48:33,410
"You go... I see so much of you in... "

776
00:48:33,494 --> 00:48:36,831
"No!"

777
00:48:42,461 --> 00:48:44,940
Finally I was, "You're a ghost.
Just fly behind me in the fucking car.

778
00:48:44,964 --> 00:48:46,382
I'll talk to you there. I can't...

779
00:48:47,508 --> 00:48:49,343
This is insane."

780
00:48:51,303 --> 00:48:55,015
Now I know why superheroes
come here at night. I get it. Okay.

781
00:48:55,099 --> 00:48:59,478
I-I'm sorry, Batman. You were right.
You were right.

782
00:49:08,070 --> 00:49:12,158
The most fucked-up part of grieving,
and this doesn't happen as much as it did

783
00:49:12,241 --> 00:49:14,910
in the first few months,
but it still happens...

784
00:49:14,994 --> 00:49:19,165
And they don't talk about this
in my grief group or in the grief books...

785
00:49:19,248 --> 00:49:23,043
are the days where you very seriously

786
00:49:23,127 --> 00:49:25,713
have hours where you think,

787
00:49:25,796 --> 00:49:29,049
"Hey, maybe I'm the one that's dead."

788
00:49:29,133 --> 00:49:34,096
What if I died and the horror
of my body dying

789
00:49:34,180 --> 00:49:36,682
was too much for my brain to accept,

790
00:49:36,765 --> 00:49:41,395
so my brain has invented this
fantasy world of the next worse thing.

791
00:49:41,478 --> 00:49:43,522
Which would be my... And by the way,

792
00:49:43,606 --> 00:49:46,984
beyond my wife passing away,
which is horrible,

793
00:49:47,067 --> 00:49:50,529
there's also really horrific evidence
around me

794
00:49:50,613 --> 00:49:53,616
that I might be dead
and imagining this hell...

795
00:49:54,533 --> 00:49:57,369
based on what the fuck
is going on around me right now...

796
00:49:58,078 --> 00:49:59,622
in the world, like this is...

797
00:49:59,705 --> 00:50:04,752
If my mind were to invent a hellscape,
it would kind of look like this.

798
00:50:06,879 --> 00:50:09,173
I mean, is this... I mean...

799
00:50:09,256 --> 00:50:12,509
The flying Razor Bats
with the three-headed genitals

800
00:50:12,593 --> 00:50:16,013
haven't showed up yet, but... if they do,

801
00:50:16,805 --> 00:50:19,058
someone confirm that they're there
is all I'm asking.

802
00:50:22,061 --> 00:50:26,273
Oh, the other awful thing...
about when my wife passed away

803
00:50:26,357 --> 00:50:29,318
was that two weeks after she died,

804
00:50:29,401 --> 00:50:34,740
it was the week
leading up to Mother's Day, which...

805
00:50:34,823 --> 00:50:37,743
And I'm like, "Oh, my gosh."
I called the school and they said,

806
00:50:37,826 --> 00:50:41,330
"Oh, you can't bring her to school.
She's gotta go out of school this week.

807
00:50:41,413 --> 00:50:45,542
You gotta take her out of town.
It's too soon. Go do something fun."

808
00:50:45,626 --> 00:50:50,339
And my wife is from Chicago,
so her whole family still lives here.

809
00:50:50,422 --> 00:50:52,841
I have this amazing network of...

810
00:50:52,925 --> 00:50:56,637
It's a gigantic Irish brood
and they're fantastic.

811
00:50:56,720 --> 00:50:59,890
My daughter
has all these amazing cousins and aunts,

812
00:50:59,974 --> 00:51:01,892
so I said,
"We're going to Chicago all week,

813
00:51:01,976 --> 00:51:04,311
and you're gonna have adventures
and running around."

814
00:51:04,395 --> 00:51:05,980
And we did. It was fun.

815
00:51:06,063 --> 00:51:09,483
Museums and parks
and sleepovers and all kinds of nuttiness.

816
00:51:09,566 --> 00:51:14,196
And she had such a good time,
and I kept her mind off of Mother's Day.

817
00:51:14,280 --> 00:51:16,031
I fuckin' did it.

818
00:51:16,115 --> 00:51:19,660
I got to that Sunday, Mother's Day itself,

819
00:51:19,743 --> 00:51:22,871
where I'm, like,
"I'm gonna spend Mother's Day,

820
00:51:22,955 --> 00:51:25,291
we'll be at the airport and we'll travel.

821
00:51:25,374 --> 00:51:28,335
And I'll make that day really fun
and I'll fill that with adventure.

822
00:51:28,419 --> 00:51:30,713
I'll keep her mind off it all day.
We'll be home,

823
00:51:30,796 --> 00:51:34,174
and we'll deal with this
all again next year step-by-step."

824
00:51:34,258 --> 00:51:38,012
Now we're at the airport,
we're walking up to the security gate,

825
00:51:38,095 --> 00:51:40,347
I'm like, "I think I pulled this off.

826
00:51:40,431 --> 00:51:42,367
Here, sweetie, here's your ticket.
Give her your... "

827
00:51:42,391 --> 00:51:44,768
She loved to hand up her ticket.
"Here it is."

828
00:51:44,852 --> 00:51:47,289
Said, "Here's your ticket."
She gives the gate lady her ticket.

829
00:51:47,313 --> 00:51:48,772
I give the gate lady my ticket.

830
00:51:48,856 --> 00:51:52,318
She's a very old, sweet Polish woman,

831
00:51:52,401 --> 00:51:54,611
and we're walking onto the plane.

832
00:51:54,695 --> 00:51:56,572
Just as we're about to go down the tunnel,

833
00:51:56,655 --> 00:52:00,326
her hand falls on my shoulder
and she says,

834
00:52:00,409 --> 00:52:03,912
"I hear what happened to your wife."

835
00:52:03,996 --> 00:52:08,751
She looks at Alice, "To your mother,
to be without your mother on Mother's Day.

836
00:52:08,834 --> 00:52:14,465
I-I... My mother died when I was your age.
I never get over it.

837
00:52:14,548 --> 00:52:17,926
I never... I'm still so sad.

838
00:52:18,010 --> 00:52:21,055
My father never get over it. It broke him.

839
00:52:21,138 --> 00:52:23,515
He died alone.

840
00:52:23,599 --> 00:52:27,353
But when you are sad,
what I tell myself is

841
00:52:27,436 --> 00:52:30,814
that also there are
so many other sad people.

842
00:52:36,612 --> 00:52:37,946
Okay, have nice flight."

843
00:52:41,241 --> 00:52:45,371
We get on the plane and Alice is crying,
I'm crying. It was just this nightmare.

844
00:52:45,454 --> 00:52:49,958
And, you know, ever since then,
every major holiday,

845
00:52:50,042 --> 00:52:55,214
I live in fear that this Polish
woman of doom is just gonna...

846
00:52:56,882 --> 00:52:58,550
fuckin' rear up and just ruin...

847
00:52:58,634 --> 00:53:01,678
Like Halloween this year,
we went trick-or-treating.

848
00:53:01,762 --> 00:53:05,140
Every door I knocked on,
I thought it would open up,

849
00:53:05,224 --> 00:53:08,769
"Little girl! Oh!

850
00:53:08,852 --> 00:53:11,730
Halloween without my mother!

851
00:53:11,814 --> 00:53:13,524
It is the saddest thing.

852
00:53:13,607 --> 00:53:17,486
Everyone that's dressed as a ghost,
I want to look under the sheet.

853
00:53:17,569 --> 00:53:19,780
Are you my mother under the sheet?

854
00:53:19,863 --> 00:53:21,698
They never are.

855
00:53:21,782 --> 00:53:24,284
My mother is never under the sheet.

856
00:53:24,368 --> 00:53:27,454
Here is some candy from my country.

857
00:53:27,538 --> 00:53:31,333
It is made from birch bark and ink.
It is called ‘don't'!

858
00:53:31,417 --> 00:53:33,752
Oh, little girl!"

859
00:53:37,339 --> 00:53:40,592
Take her... This is funny.

860
00:53:46,348 --> 00:53:49,893
Take her to the mall at Christmas.
Put her on Santa's lap, beard comes off,

861
00:53:49,977 --> 00:53:52,938
"It is me! Oh!

862
00:53:53,021 --> 00:53:58,360
Christmas without my mother
is the saddest thing in the world.

863
00:53:58,444 --> 00:53:59,570
Don't you agree?

864
00:53:59,653 --> 00:54:04,074
Every stocking is hung
by the chimney with tragedy!

865
00:54:07,035 --> 00:54:11,540
There will never be a walnut
or a tangerine in the toe.

866
00:54:11,623 --> 00:54:13,959
Oh, little girl!

867
00:54:17,296 --> 00:54:19,798
The loneliness pushed my father

868
00:54:19,882 --> 00:54:23,969
into a spectrum of sexuality
called beyond gay.

869
00:54:26,305 --> 00:54:28,932
Little girl!"

870
00:54:38,275 --> 00:54:40,486
Fuckin'...

871
00:54:40,569 --> 00:54:44,823
Arbor Day. "I'm in the tree."
All right, okay, fine. Now goddamn it.

872
00:54:47,701 --> 00:54:52,289
Yes, Arbor Day without my mother.

873
00:54:54,374 --> 00:54:56,043
Jesus Christ.

874
00:54:59,796 --> 00:55:02,066
Halloween especially.
That's my daughter's favorite holiday.

875
00:55:02,090 --> 00:55:05,469
Mine too. We love Halloween.
And this... one of the things...

876
00:55:05,552 --> 00:55:07,971
My daughter is friends
with this really sweet girl

877
00:55:08,055 --> 00:55:13,644
who goes to a painfully progressive
elementary school in Los Feliz.

878
00:55:13,727 --> 00:55:16,813
They're very nice, but it's a little much.
It's a little...

879
00:55:16,897 --> 00:55:19,691
"Hey, we don't have any walls here, man.

880
00:55:19,775 --> 00:55:21,527
And, uh...

881
00:55:21,610 --> 00:55:24,238
Like, we don't give out A's or F's.

882
00:55:24,321 --> 00:55:28,992
Like, instead of an A,
we give out a drawing of a pomegranate.

883
00:55:29,076 --> 00:55:31,787
And instead of an F,

884
00:55:31,870 --> 00:55:35,874
it's a picture
of a smiling, frowning, possum.

885
00:55:35,958 --> 00:55:41,129
And then we try to ask,
‘How could you make the possum not frown?'

886
00:55:41,213 --> 00:55:43,173
And we have... " Oh, shut the fuck...

887
00:55:43,257 --> 00:55:48,512
But... they do do a really cool
Halloween carnival every year.

888
00:55:48,595 --> 00:55:52,349
And the kids put it on,
so it's very, very handmade and charming.

889
00:55:52,432 --> 00:55:56,478
And my favorite part is,
they do this haunted house.

890
00:55:56,562 --> 00:56:00,107
And the kids put on the haunted house,
so it's very, very basic.

891
00:56:00,190 --> 00:56:02,901
It's just... They make a maze
with garbage bags.

892
00:56:02,985 --> 00:56:05,237
You go down the maze
and a ghost goes, "Boo!"

893
00:56:05,320 --> 00:56:09,157
Then there's... And my daughter loves it,
even though she's terrified.

894
00:56:09,241 --> 00:56:12,619
Like, she wants to go in, and then
I carry her and she hides her face.

895
00:56:12,703 --> 00:56:16,039
And she's hiding her face,
but then I hear her laughing.

896
00:56:16,123 --> 00:56:19,543
And I've been taking her
since she was three.

897
00:56:19,626 --> 00:56:22,379
Um, this past year...

898
00:56:24,131 --> 00:56:27,759
some of the adults decided to help out
on the haunted house,

899
00:56:27,843 --> 00:56:32,055
so me and Alice and a bunch of other kids,
we go into the haunted house,

900
00:56:32,139 --> 00:56:35,767
and the first thing that happens
is a woman dressed as a witch

901
00:56:35,851 --> 00:56:40,689
pops out and says,
"I've killed Harry Potter!"

902
00:56:44,985 --> 00:56:49,531
And all of the kids go, "Whaa!"

903
00:56:49,615 --> 00:56:51,491
Immediately start crying.

904
00:56:53,452 --> 00:56:56,079
And then the witch realized, like,

905
00:56:56,163 --> 00:56:59,458
"No, but he's not really dead.
He used an amulet to trick me.

906
00:56:59,541 --> 00:57:04,046
You'll see at the end. There's a story
if you go through the maze. You'll see... "

907
00:57:04,129 --> 00:57:07,841
So they decided to add
a fucking story element,

908
00:57:07,924 --> 00:57:10,427
which you can't do in a haunted house.

909
00:57:10,510 --> 00:57:12,679
It's just shit popping out.

910
00:57:12,763 --> 00:57:17,684
There's a werewolf and a ghost and...
Instead, we went into a room

911
00:57:17,768 --> 00:57:21,855
and then adults came out
and just pitched us shitty movie sequels.

912
00:57:23,148 --> 00:57:26,777
That was the haunted house.
The house of shitty movie sequels.

913
00:57:26,860 --> 00:57:31,281
"What if the <i>Titanic</i> didn't sink?
Now follow me on this.

914
00:57:31,365 --> 00:57:33,116
If the... "

915
00:57:38,705 --> 00:57:40,999
And I was bummed out
because that haunted house,

916
00:57:41,083 --> 00:57:43,418
the first time I took Alice
when she was three,

917
00:57:43,502 --> 00:57:47,214
I saw one of the scariest things
I have ever seen.

918
00:57:47,297 --> 00:57:49,591
And I go to some of those professional,
you know,

919
00:57:49,675 --> 00:57:52,970
"It's the massacre corn maze,"
or some kind of...

920
00:57:53,053 --> 00:57:55,639
This was put on by kindergartners
and it scared...

921
00:57:55,722 --> 00:57:57,808
Okay, so again,
we're going through the maze,

922
00:57:57,891 --> 00:58:01,728
and a ghost pops out and a witch...

923
00:58:01,812 --> 00:58:05,732
And so the last corner that you turn,

924
00:58:05,816 --> 00:58:09,361
there's a long hallway,
at the end of the hallway is the exit.

925
00:58:09,444 --> 00:58:13,740
So when I turn the corner,
at the end of this long hallway,

926
00:58:13,824 --> 00:58:16,034
there's a single red lightbulb.

927
00:58:16,118 --> 00:58:20,706
And underneath the lightbulb,
a kindergartner had gotten lost.

928
00:58:21,999 --> 00:58:26,294
And the kindergartner was wearing
an adult monster mask

929
00:58:26,378 --> 00:58:29,923
that's on him at this crazy tilt.

930
00:58:30,007 --> 00:58:33,510
So, I'm just holding Alice,

931
00:58:33,593 --> 00:58:36,722
and at this point, I'm being the dad,
like, "Whoa, there goes the witch.

932
00:58:36,805 --> 00:58:39,474
Oh, look at the ghosts. Here we go."

933
00:58:39,558 --> 00:58:43,645
I turn the corner and I see this thing
at the end of the hall,

934
00:58:43,729 --> 00:58:45,439
just this little like...

935
00:58:51,611 --> 00:58:55,115
I almost shit my pants off.

936
00:58:55,198 --> 00:58:57,951
Like, "Boom!" I've never...

937
00:58:58,827 --> 00:59:03,415
Holy fuck, it was so unnerving
just this shape.

938
00:59:03,498 --> 00:59:06,001
Even the werewolf popped out,
I'm like, "Get out of here.

939
00:59:06,084 --> 00:59:07,586
There's a real demon right there."

940
00:59:13,008 --> 00:59:15,385
I have friends
who run professional haunted houses.

941
00:59:15,469 --> 00:59:17,012
Save your money.

942
00:59:18,055 --> 00:59:21,224
Get a bunch of kids,
fill them with Skittles.

943
00:59:21,308 --> 00:59:24,895
Put adult monster masks on.
Let them wander around.

944
00:59:24,978 --> 00:59:29,232
The feces fumes coming off... of your thing

945
00:59:29,316 --> 00:59:31,359
will replenish the ozone layer.

946
00:59:38,492 --> 00:59:41,578
I'm pitching movies.
Still pitching movies every now and then.

947
00:59:41,661 --> 00:59:44,456
I still do it.
I wanna write a movie and get it made.

948
00:59:44,539 --> 00:59:47,959
That's one of my dreams. But I wanna be...
But I wanna be like...

949
00:59:49,002 --> 00:59:51,088
I wanna write something original and new,

950
00:59:51,171 --> 00:59:54,007
and there's nothing more demoralizing
than pitching a movie,

951
00:59:54,091 --> 00:59:59,554
because you will always reference
other movies when you pitch a movie.

952
00:59:59,638 --> 01:00:02,682
And you feel so uncreative when you do it.

953
01:00:02,766 --> 01:00:05,352
Like, "So, at the beginning,
uh, the office,

954
01:00:05,435 --> 01:00:09,147
I want the same kind of energy as
<i>The Newsroom</i> and <i>All the President's Men.</i>

955
01:00:09,231 --> 01:00:11,992
With all the background dialogue."
You're like, "I'm a fucking idiot."

956
01:00:12,943 --> 01:00:18,365
So just once, I would love to go in
and pitch a children's movie,

957
01:00:18,448 --> 01:00:23,578
like a G-rated movie,
but only reference hard-core porn

958
01:00:23,662 --> 01:00:28,166
when I'm describing the scene,
as if everyone in the room has seen it.

959
01:00:30,085 --> 01:00:32,438
So, I'm like, "Oh, yeah,
this is gonna be a really fun movie.

960
01:00:32,462 --> 01:00:35,966
Um, I love
the first <i>We Love Ice Cream</i> movies.

961
01:00:36,049 --> 01:00:40,095
Uh, so this is <i>We Love Ice Cream 4.</i>
And what I wanna have happen is...

962
01:00:40,178 --> 01:00:42,848
So, remember the little kid
in <i>We Love Ice Cream</i>, the first one?

963
01:00:42,931 --> 01:00:44,724
Now he's grown up
and he's going to college.

964
01:00:44,808 --> 01:00:46,852
He doesn't wanna run
the old ice-cream shop.

965
01:00:46,935 --> 01:00:51,398
He's got all these dreams. He wants
to get out there in the world and do it.

966
01:00:51,481 --> 01:00:54,818
Um, but then his dad has that stroke,
and he's like,

967
01:00:54,901 --> 01:00:58,321
‘Oh, my gosh,
do I just let the ice-cream store close

968
01:00:58,405 --> 01:01:00,657
or do I go out
and follow the dream I wanna do.'

969
01:01:00,740 --> 01:01:03,243
We're gonna have that moment
in the first act where he decides,

970
01:01:03,326 --> 01:01:06,454
‘Yes, I'm gonna run this ice-cream store.'

971
01:01:06,538 --> 01:01:09,833
And I want that kind of...
Remember in <i>Marines Don't Kiss,</i>

972
01:01:09,916 --> 01:01:12,294
where's she's getting...
she's blowing the dude

973
01:01:12,377 --> 01:01:15,130
and the other dude is underneath her
and he's fucking her.

974
01:01:15,213 --> 01:01:18,842
Then the third guy wants to ass-fuck her
and fill all of her holes, right?

975
01:01:18,925 --> 01:01:22,429
And you could see it in their face,
‘Yeah, fuck me in the ass.'

976
01:01:22,512 --> 01:01:28,310
Like that same confidence of
that I'm gonna... as in that scene, yeah.

977
01:01:28,393 --> 01:01:33,106
That will propel us into the second act
when all these bills are piling up,

978
01:01:33,190 --> 01:01:35,430
and he just, ‘My God.
How am I gonna keep the store open?

979
01:01:35,483 --> 01:01:38,612
And my career is going away.
There's no way I can pay for all this.

980
01:01:38,695 --> 01:01:42,157
And it's just gonna be this burden,
just this huge... '

981
01:01:42,240 --> 01:01:44,910
Remember in <i>Yank My Doodle,</i>
<i>It's a Dandy</i>, when...

982
01:01:46,369 --> 01:01:49,748
the, um, all the guys
are just jerking off on her back.

983
01:01:49,831 --> 01:01:54,711
She's on all fours in the hotel room
and then...

984
01:01:54,794 --> 01:01:58,965
But you can tell like, 'cause she just has
that lake of cum on her back, so just...

985
01:01:59,049 --> 01:02:02,969
I want him to have that,
just feel that same burden

986
01:02:03,053 --> 01:02:04,888
as the lake of cum that's on her back.

987
01:02:04,971 --> 01:02:10,101
‘How will I run this ice-cream store?'
You know like that. ‘Oh, my gosh.'

988
01:02:10,185 --> 01:02:13,063
Um, but then, and then ironically
in the third act,

989
01:02:13,146 --> 01:02:17,567
we find out that the stained glass window
on the second floor of the family home

990
01:02:17,651 --> 01:02:20,987
is actually this priceless heirloom
worth like half a million dollars.

991
01:02:21,071 --> 01:02:24,449
That's gonna pay off the mortgage
and help him hire people so he can...

992
01:02:24,532 --> 01:02:30,330
So ironically, the whole solution
was there right in the opening scene.

993
01:02:30,413 --> 01:02:31,998
It was there right from the beginning.

994
01:02:32,082 --> 01:02:37,671
Like, remember <i>Hungry White Asses</i>
<i>Filled with Angry Black Dicks, Part 4</i>?

995
01:02:37,754 --> 01:02:41,216
No, no, part... I'm sorry.
I'm so stupid, Part 3,

996
01:02:41,299 --> 01:02:44,386
when she gets hired to find the guy

997
01:02:44,469 --> 01:02:47,889
with the question-mark-shaped mole
at the base of his cock,

998
01:02:47,973 --> 01:02:49,933
and she sucks off everybody.

999
01:02:50,016 --> 01:02:52,602
She sucks off the delivery guy,
the pool boy, the pizza guy.

1000
01:02:52,686 --> 01:02:54,562
Just dick, dick, dick. Suck, suck, suck.

1001
01:02:54,646 --> 01:02:57,649
Just fucking every direction.
Just dicks going into her mouth.

1002
01:02:57,732 --> 01:03:01,152
And then, oh, it was the fucking guy
that hired her in the beginning.

1003
01:03:01,236 --> 01:03:04,614
So, they come full circle.
It's that, you know, like...

1004
01:03:04,698 --> 01:03:09,327
And you feel that same relief of,
‘Oh, that was the dick right there.'

1005
01:03:11,204 --> 01:03:15,250
You want me to write up a treatment?
I think it sounds really fun.

1006
01:03:16,668 --> 01:03:18,962
No? We could... "

1007
01:03:26,344 --> 01:03:28,555
That's a weird bit to end this set on,
isn't it?

1008
01:03:30,640 --> 01:03:35,270
That was a bit I was always working on
and I could never make it work.

1009
01:03:35,353 --> 01:03:39,441
And it always cracked Michelle up
because she loved shit

1010
01:03:39,524 --> 01:03:43,737
that was so filthy and rude
and goofy like that.

1011
01:03:43,820 --> 01:03:48,033
And right now, I'm still wounded
and I'm healing,

1012
01:03:48,116 --> 01:03:51,161
but there's people out there,
especially the people in power.

1013
01:03:51,244 --> 01:03:53,371
I'm sorry to get...
I'll leave you with this.

1014
01:03:53,455 --> 01:03:56,583
There's people that wanna create wounds
that will not heal.

1015
01:03:56,666 --> 01:03:59,085
That's the turn-on for them, so just...

1016
01:03:59,169 --> 01:04:04,424
I'm just gonna end this
by quoting Michelle Eileen McNamara,

1017
01:04:04,507 --> 01:04:07,844
"It's chaos. Be kind."

1018
01:04:07,927 --> 01:04:09,346
Thank you. Good night.