1
00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:32,264
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

2
00:00:34,068 --> 00:00:35,567
(PANTING)

3
00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:39,606
(GUN COCKS)

4
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:42,274
(MUFFLED GUNSHOTS)

5
00:01:08,736 --> 00:01:09,802
(GLASS SHATTERS)

6
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:28,621
(BONE CRACKING)

7
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,110
Sting!

8
00:01:51,112 --> 00:01:53,232
Sting, open up!
It's Bieber!

9
00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:56,315
Sting! Come on! Sting!

10
00:01:56,317 --> 00:01:58,450
It's Bieber, bro!
Open the door!

11
00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,119
(PANTING) Oh, fudge!

12
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:15,701
You can't kill us all.

13
00:02:15,703 --> 00:02:18,103
We will protect
the Chosen One.

14
00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:20,272
(RAPID GUNFIRE)

15
00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:19,839
(SHUTTER CLICKS)

16
00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:29,916
(GRUNTING) Uh-huh.

17
00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:39,418
Peace out, world.

18
00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:40,500
Peace out.

19
00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:43,622
(GASPS)

20
00:04:00,274 --> 00:04:03,308
Valentina, he was pronounced
dead 13 minutes ago.

21
00:04:03,310 --> 00:04:04,443
I can't believe it.

22
00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:06,245
Justin Bieber?

23
00:04:06,547 --> 00:04:07,646
No.

24
00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:12,718
The sixth pop star
to die in the last year.

25
00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:17,623
And all with that look.

26
00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:21,887
FILIPPO: As if they were
trying to tell us something.

27
00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:23,695
That look.

28
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:28,967
There's only one person
on Earth

29
00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:30,929
who would know
how to interpret this look.

30
00:04:31,639 --> 00:04:33,038
It's a dead end,
Valentina.

31
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:34,640
No one has seen
that man in years.

32
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,443
Then God help us all.

33
00:04:52,593 --> 00:04:54,459
Shocking. Stupefying.

34
00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:57,329
Something out of a Hollywood
disaster movie.

35
00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:59,498
Just a few of the ways
New Yorkers described

36
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:02,301
what happened today
as Derek Zoolander's

37
00:05:02,303 --> 00:05:04,002
<i>Center for Kids
Who Can't Read Good</i>

38
00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:06,872
<i>and Who Wanna Learn to Do
Other Stuff Good, Too</i>

39
00:05:06,874 --> 00:05:09,574
<i>literally collapsed
into the East River</i>

40
00:05:09,576 --> 00:05:12,544
<i>only two days after
its official opening.</i>

41
00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:15,013
Students and teachers
were evacuated.

42
00:05:15,015 --> 00:05:18,850
<i>And while Zoolander and his son,
Derek Jr., were unharmed,</i>

43
00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:21,620
<i>sadly, his wife,
Matilda Jeffries-Zoolander,</i>

44
00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:22,988
<i>has reportedly died.</i>

45
00:05:24,325 --> 00:05:26,458
(DEREK COUGHING)

46
00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:28,620
I just feel lucky no one
from my family was hurt!

47
00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:31,963
She was crushed by the book?

48
00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:36,335
JIM LEHRER:
<i>A vigil is being held tonight</i>

49
00:05:36,337 --> 00:05:39,504
for the other chisel-cheeked lion
of the modeling kingdom,

50
00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:41,907
Hansel, who is reported
to have sustained

51
00:05:41,909 --> 00:05:44,810
permanent injury
to his breathtaking face

52
00:05:44,812 --> 00:05:47,846
<i>after being trapped
beneath a burning beam.</i>

53
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:50,349
CHRISTIANE AMANPOUR: <i>Although
authorities are still investigating,</i>

54
00:05:50,351 --> 00:05:52,517
the cause of the disaster
is believed to be

55
00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,986
Zoolander's
mind-boggling decision

56
00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:57,489
<i>to build the reading center</i>

57
00:05:57,491 --> 00:06:00,425
out of the actual materials
that were used to construct

58
00:06:00,427 --> 00:06:03,729
<i>the original
architectural model.</i>

59
00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:05,564
JANE PAULEY: <i>Clothing designer
Jacob Moogberg,</i>

60
00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:07,833
AKA Jacobim Mugatu

61
00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:10,635
was sentenced today
to two consecutive life terms

62
00:06:10,637 --> 00:06:13,538
in a maximum
security fashion prison

63
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:15,507
for his role in
the attempted assassination

64
00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:17,476
<i>of the Malaysian Prime Minister.</i>

65
00:06:17,478 --> 00:06:19,010
JOE SCARBOROUGH:
<i>His co-conspirator, modeling agent</i>

66
00:06:19,012 --> 00:06:21,580
Maury Ballstein,
turned state's witness...

67
00:06:21,582 --> 00:06:24,716
I'll give you anything
you want on that <i>fakakta</i> fink.

68
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:28,887
...in exchange for relocation in
the Witness Protection Program.

69
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:32,424
Back in the news tonight,
former model, negligent builder,

70
00:06:32,426 --> 00:06:35,160
now unfit parent,
Derek Zoolander.

71
00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:36,962
This footage was taken
by a neighbor

72
00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:39,798
across from
Zoolander's SoHo loft.

73
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:42,000
D.J., how did Mommy
make it soft?

74
00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:44,069
(GRUNTS)

75
00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:45,771
DON LEMON:
<i>The Child Protection Agency</i>

76
00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:47,906
<i>removed Zoolander's son,
Derek Jr.</i>

77
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:50,142
late last night in
a daring midnight raid

78
00:06:50,144 --> 00:06:51,977
placing him in
the custody of the state.

79
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:55,747
Which is why it
pains me to say

80
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,989
that effective immediately,
I will retire from modeling

81
00:06:59,052 --> 00:07:01,953
and live alone
as a hermit crab.

82
00:07:02,990 --> 00:07:05,724
I will now be anonymous
and known only as...

83
00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:07,659
Eric...

84
00:07:08,629 --> 00:07:09,629
Toolander.

85
00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:13,432
MATT LAUER:
<i>And finally tonight,</i>

86
00:07:13,434 --> 00:07:15,200
here's something
to make you feel old.

87
00:07:15,202 --> 00:07:17,068
Incredible as it may sound,

88
00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:21,039
of the over 3.7 million
high school graduates this year

89
00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:24,209
less than 2% could tell you
what a fax machine is,

90
00:07:24,211 --> 00:07:26,445
name a Caucasian President,

91
00:07:26,447 --> 00:07:29,681
or know who
Derek Zoolander was.

92
00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:31,883
(ECHOING)
<i>Was... Was... Was...</i>

93
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,625
(WIND HOWLING)

94
00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:50,168
(WHISTLING)

95
00:07:59,780 --> 00:08:01,112
(CABIN FLOOR CREAKS)

96
00:08:06,753 --> 00:08:07,886
(KNOCK ON DOOR)

97
00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:12,090
Go away.

98
00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:15,794
MAN: Derek!
Open up, it's me.

99
00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:17,762
I'm sorry, traveler,
you must have lost your way.

100
00:08:17,764 --> 00:08:19,664
No one lives here
by that name.

101
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:21,967
MAN: Right. Sorry.
I mean, Eric.

102
00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:23,209
I've got your mail.

103
00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:38,617
Billy Zane. It's been years.

104
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,853
Where's my regular mailperson,
Ingvar?

105
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,555
He couldn't make it.

106
00:08:43,557 --> 00:08:45,877
I was in the neighborhood,
I thought I'd stop by.

107
00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:48,067
Got your Netflix.

108
00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:51,530
Whoa, <i>Jack Ryan...</i>

109
00:08:52,266 --> 00:08:54,065
...and <i>Jack Reacher.</i>

110
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:55,547
Tonight's gonna be
a total Jack-off.

111
00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:59,137
You have
something else here.

112
00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:02,141
What is it?

113
00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:03,808
Open it.

114
00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:17,556
(CHIMES)

115
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:22,060
Gryootings, Derek Zoolownder.

116
00:09:22,863 --> 00:09:24,696
Are you a Boxtroll?

117
00:09:25,299 --> 00:09:27,332
That's Alexanya Atoz,

118
00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:30,035
owner of the largest fashion
empire in the world.

119
00:09:30,037 --> 00:09:35,273
Because you are one of the
world's true fishion icons,

120
00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:39,844
I have personal selected you
to come to Rome...

121
00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:43,348
The Eturnanal Cyootee...

122
00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:46,184
To muddel my
nyouest colleeauction

123
00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:48,920
by my hoottest now designer...

124
00:09:49,356 --> 00:09:51,756
Doon Atari.

125
00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:53,825
Who?

126
00:09:53,827 --> 00:09:55,827
Don Atari.

127
00:09:55,829 --> 00:09:57,629
He's "it" in
fashion right now.

128
00:09:57,631 --> 00:09:58,991
People would die
to be in his show.

129
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:00,840
(WHISPERS) I can't.

130
00:10:01,368 --> 00:10:03,702
I'm a hermit crab now.

131
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:05,036
Gryootings,
Derek Zoolownder.

132
00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:06,871
I already told you!

133
00:10:06,873 --> 00:10:09,313
It's like you're not
even listening to me!

134
00:10:14,881 --> 00:10:16,381
Derek, uh...

135
00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:19,351
Eric.

136
00:10:19,353 --> 00:10:22,654
Maybe it's time to engage
with the world again.

137
00:10:23,857 --> 00:10:26,091
Think about it, man.
This could be a sign.

138
00:10:26,093 --> 00:10:29,160
And what if it's
a stop sign, Billy?

139
00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:32,764
I used to be a successful
model/fashion icon.

140
00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:36,201
Now, I'm just a model/failure.

141
00:10:37,671 --> 00:10:40,372
Slash-guy who is
still a model/father.

142
00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:43,241
Slash-guy
who killed his wife

143
00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:45,403
using cheap building materials
that collapsed on her.

144
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:51,716
Slash-guy who has got to stop
beating himself up about that!

145
00:10:51,718 --> 00:10:53,385
Slash-guy who couldn't
make spaghetti soft

146
00:10:53,387 --> 00:10:54,953
so they took away his son,

147
00:10:54,955 --> 00:10:57,315
so-slash-now he's alone
and hiding from the world.

148
00:10:58,659 --> 00:10:59,758
Slash.

149
00:11:01,962 --> 00:11:05,402
Slash-have you ever even
tried to get your son back?

150
00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:10,301
You can do that?

151
00:11:10,303 --> 00:11:12,804
Yeah.
You'd hire a litigator,

152
00:11:12,806 --> 00:11:14,105
he files
the appropriate paperwork...

153
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:15,874
But I don't even
know where he is.

154
00:11:16,677 --> 00:11:17,917
First things first.

155
00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:22,847
If you take this job
that Alexanya's offering you,

156
00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:24,783
you could prove
to Child Services

157
00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:27,265
that you're a productive
member of society again.

158
00:11:29,056 --> 00:11:30,296
Go to Rome.

159
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:32,857
Find yourself.

160
00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:36,521
Become the father
you were meant to be

161
00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:39,330
and get your boy back.

162
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,378
Safe journey, my friend!

163
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:56,848
Thanks, Billy!

164
00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:11,996
(CAR BEEPING)

165
00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:26,878
(SCREECHING)

166
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:47,866
What have you got?

167
00:12:55,509 --> 00:12:58,209
(SIGHS)
Ball and chain not happy.

168
00:13:07,921 --> 00:13:09,187
(GROANS)

169
00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:10,555
Sorry I'm late!

170
00:13:10,557 --> 00:13:11,557
Oh, my gosh.

171
00:13:12,526 --> 00:13:14,459
I was finishing up
Shavasana

172
00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:17,328
and this sandstorm
kicked up out of nowhere.

173
00:13:17,330 --> 00:13:19,330
I'm okay, though.

174
00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:21,065
Ah, Natalka,
you look beautiful.

175
00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:23,102
(SCOFFS) Really?

176
00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:25,069
Yes, really.

177
00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:31,593
Dinner is ruined!

178
00:13:31,594 --> 00:13:32,810
Guys, I told you
not to wait for me, didn't I?

179
00:13:32,813 --> 00:13:34,413
Remember,
we talked about this.

180
00:13:34,981 --> 00:13:36,915
Can't we just
take it slow?

181
00:13:36,917 --> 00:13:38,216
When I met you guys
two years ago,

182
00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:40,118
it was the best orgy
of my life.

183
00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:43,021
Let's get back to
that feeling.

184
00:13:43,023 --> 00:13:44,155
It's there.

185
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:45,157
(BLEATS)

186
00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:47,258
MAN: Hansel.

187
00:13:49,563 --> 00:13:51,996
Every relationship
has to evolve.

188
00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:55,567
And somehow, you've managed
to stay the same.

189
00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:59,571
But you're gonna
have to change, my man.

190
00:13:59,573 --> 00:14:01,973
'Cause change,
she is a-comin'.

191
00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:03,008
What?

192
00:14:10,917 --> 00:14:12,150
Natalka.

193
00:14:18,258 --> 00:14:19,424
All of you?

194
00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:25,330
(SHUDDERS)

195
00:14:25,332 --> 00:14:27,532
How is this even possible?

196
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:29,133
We thought you'd be happy.

197
00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:32,103
(STUTTERING)
Well, I am happy.

198
00:14:32,105 --> 00:14:33,972
That, uh...

199
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:36,875
It's just a lot to process,
and that's what I'm doing.

200
00:14:37,510 --> 00:14:39,244
To be honest,

201
00:14:39,246 --> 00:14:41,446
I've never seen myself
in this role, you know, as a...

202
00:14:41,648 --> 00:14:43,314
You mean a father?

203
00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:45,550
Well... Uh... I...

204
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:48,419
Let me...
I want to check on...

205
00:14:48,421 --> 00:14:49,988
On the camel here!

206
00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:55,960
(PANTING)

207
00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:00,932
Who am I?

208
00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:05,536
Who am I?

209
00:15:06,373 --> 00:15:07,613
BILLY: Hey, Hansel!

210
00:15:11,177 --> 00:15:12,410
Billy Zane?

211
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,013
Got your Netflix.

212
00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:17,548
And this.

213
00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:41,940
DEREK: Thanks very much.
HANSEL: No, it's my bag.

214
00:15:41,942 --> 00:15:43,041
Excuse me,
I think that's...

215
00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:45,476
No, trust me,
this is my bag.

216
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:47,645
Just look at the ticket right here.
Hansel.

217
00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:49,614
Never heard of him,
honcho.

218
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:52,616
Look right here at the ticket
and you can see that...

219
00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:55,320
Derek Zoolander.

220
00:15:55,588 --> 00:15:57,622
(SIGHS)

221
00:15:57,624 --> 00:16:00,291
Hi. It's been a long time.

222
00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:02,961
Yeah. Not long enough.

223
00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:07,231
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I think I should peace.

224
00:16:07,534 --> 00:16:09,500
Wait a minute!

225
00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:11,002
We haven't seen
each other since...

226
00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:12,236
Since the building
you designed

227
00:16:12,238 --> 00:16:13,972
fell on my face
and ruined my career?

228
00:16:13,974 --> 00:16:15,673
Yeah, it's been a while.

229
00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:18,176
It was an accident.
I didn't mean to...

230
00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:20,745
You didn't mean to build the support
beams out of popsicle sticks

231
00:16:20,747 --> 00:16:22,981
and highly-flammable
rubber cement?

232
00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:24,048
That was just
a little accident?

233
00:16:24,050 --> 00:16:25,050
Yeah.

234
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:28,219
This is it. Forever.

235
00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:30,488
Because I promise you,

236
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:33,491
this is the last time
we will ever see each other.

237
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,259
Right here, this moment.

238
00:16:35,261 --> 00:16:37,095
Good-bye forever.

239
00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:39,130
Works for me.

240
00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:49,707
(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

241
00:16:52,278 --> 00:16:53,578
Hope you're not
an epiplectic,

242
00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:55,146
because we're about
to get blinded.

243
00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:56,414
Yep. Here we go.

244
00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:01,192
REPORTER:
Susan Boyle, right here!

245
00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:04,355
Take a picture of that!

246
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:05,556
Vultures!

247
00:17:08,661 --> 00:17:10,728
I guess with my beard
and your disgusting face,

248
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:12,196
they don't know
who we are.

249
00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:13,564
VIP: Derek! Hansel!

250
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:16,034
Hey, boys. I'm Vip.

251
00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:20,204
Vip?
Yeah.

252
00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:22,306
I'm in charge of social
media for Don Atari.

253
00:17:22,308 --> 00:17:23,775
I've been working for him
since I was 10.

254
00:17:23,777 --> 00:17:25,043
How old are you now?

255
00:17:25,445 --> 00:17:26,677
Eleven.

256
00:17:26,679 --> 00:17:27,839
Should we go to the hotel?

257
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:45,229
Pretty strange, you and I
both getting called back

258
00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:47,632
to the big stage
like this.

259
00:17:47,634 --> 00:17:51,335
A gig's a gig.
I'm just doing this to get my son back.

260
00:17:51,337 --> 00:17:54,705
Explain how doing a fashion
show's gonna accomplish that.

261
00:17:54,707 --> 00:17:57,809
Simple. Child Services hears
I'm working again,

262
00:17:57,811 --> 00:18:00,244
KKK, a responsible parent,

263
00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:01,846
and they give me
my son back.

264
00:18:01,848 --> 00:18:04,449
(SCOFFS)
Responsible parent?

265
00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:06,084
What? You don't think
I could be one?

266
00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:08,519
No, it just brings up
some junk from the past.

267
00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:09,854
I didn't have a father.

268
00:18:09,856 --> 00:18:12,256
It's kind of my
big issue right now.

269
00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:14,592
You didn't have a father?
Nah.

270
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:18,329
All my mom ever told me
was my dad was a beat cop.

271
00:18:18,331 --> 00:18:21,165
(CHUCKLES)
Always on the road.

272
00:18:21,167 --> 00:18:23,247
The road away
from little Hansel.

273
00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:34,745
Valentina. You're going
to want to see this.

274
00:18:38,384 --> 00:18:40,251
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

275
00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:44,722
Check out
Mr. Disco Barry Gibb.

276
00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:49,794
Zoolander is in Rome?

277
00:19:01,207 --> 00:19:03,174
Welcome to the Palazzo D'Caca.

278
00:19:03,176 --> 00:19:04,909
The entire hotel
is biodegradable

279
00:19:04,911 --> 00:19:06,711
and made from
reclaimed human waste.

280
00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:10,314
This is the ultra-exclusive,
fully-toxic,

281
00:19:10,316 --> 00:19:12,383
Zero-Footprint Suite.

282
00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:14,685
The masseuses at the spa
are all homeless.

283
00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:16,727
And the hotel has complimentary
farm-to-table Wi-Fi.

284
00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:18,856
Wait...
We're rooming together?

285
00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:20,358
Mmm-hmm.

286
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:22,193
There must be some mistake.

287
00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:23,294
I'll call Billy Zane.

288
00:19:23,296 --> 00:19:24,456
Good idea.

289
00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:26,564
(BEEPING)

290
00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:28,933
Look, tiny phone!
That is so retro.

291
00:19:28,935 --> 00:19:30,168
I'm gonna take a picture
of it with my phone.

292
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:31,903
(SHUTTER CLICKS)

293
00:19:31,904 --> 00:19:33,637
BILLY: <i>This is Billy Zane.
I'm not here right...</i>

294
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:36,374
Well, Don Atari is waiting
for you down in the lobby.

295
00:19:36,376 --> 00:19:39,376
Oh, and don't drink the
water or you'll die.

296
00:19:42,448 --> 00:19:43,681
I just have one question.

297
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:44,683
Yeah?

298
00:19:46,252 --> 00:19:49,253
What in the world is
farm-to-table Wi-Fi?

299
00:19:49,255 --> 00:19:50,421
(CHUCKLES)
You're asking me?

300
00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:52,657
<i>Muchacho,</i> I have no idea.

301
00:19:52,659 --> 00:19:54,792
For serious?
No!

302
00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:56,761
Because when Vip said that,
you had this look on your face, like,

303
00:19:56,763 --> 00:19:58,663
"I totally know
what farm-to-table Wi-Fi is!"

304
00:19:58,665 --> 00:20:00,765
I was acting cool
'cause I thought you knew.

305
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:02,667
I thought you knew!

306
00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:05,509
No, I just didn't want Vip
to think I was uncool! (LAUGHS)

307
00:20:07,373 --> 00:20:09,473
I miss not knowing things
with you.

308
00:20:09,475 --> 00:20:11,576
Yeah. Me, too.

309
00:20:11,578 --> 00:20:13,511
Why didn't
we do this sooner?

310
00:20:13,513 --> 00:20:14,745
Because we've
both been in hiding

311
00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:15,880
since the day
I killed my wife

312
00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:17,515
and permanently
disfigured you.

313
00:20:17,517 --> 00:20:19,597
Oh, yeah,
that's probably it.

314
00:20:21,521 --> 00:20:23,221
That was the day
I lost the fire.

315
00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:24,455
The fire?

316
00:20:25,258 --> 00:20:26,757
The fire in my face.

317
00:20:28,294 --> 00:20:31,229
It's kind of
my big issue right now.

318
00:20:31,231 --> 00:20:34,398
You still got it, D-Zone.
You're Derek Zoolander.

319
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:37,520
You stopped a Chinese
throwing star in mid-air with a look.

320
00:20:39,872 --> 00:20:41,072
<i>I was there.</i>

321
00:20:42,842 --> 00:20:44,308
(SOFTLY)
That's not me anymore.

322
00:20:44,310 --> 00:20:45,910
Yes, it is.

323
00:20:45,912 --> 00:20:48,913
Hey, flash me
that beautiful look.

324
00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:50,715
Give me that
incredible Magnum.

325
00:20:50,717 --> 00:20:51,717
No!

326
00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:53,751
Think fast. Magnum.

327
00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:54,952
Wait, no!

328
00:20:54,954 --> 00:20:55,994
Magnum! Now!

329
00:20:56,623 --> 00:20:58,889
(GRUNTS)
Oh!

330
00:20:58,891 --> 00:21:00,611
Come on! You got this,
but you got to focus!

331
00:21:00,827 --> 00:21:02,393
(GROANS)

332
00:21:02,395 --> 00:21:04,362
Come on!
Hansel, stop!

333
00:21:04,364 --> 00:21:06,297
You have this! Yeah!
(GROANING)

334
00:21:06,299 --> 00:21:07,765
Maybe we could
try a wash cloth?

335
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:09,433
Tequila!
Hansel, no!

336
00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:10,668
(GROANING)

337
00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:12,770
No! It's not working!

338
00:21:13,673 --> 00:21:15,273
(SIGHS) Ah, you're right.

339
00:21:15,742 --> 00:21:16,742
(EXHALES)

340
00:21:18,378 --> 00:21:19,543
(SIGHS)

341
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:22,013
What happened to us?

342
00:21:24,350 --> 00:21:25,983
You mean me.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

343
00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:28,919
You still have it.

344
00:21:28,921 --> 00:21:30,588
No, I don't.

345
00:21:30,590 --> 00:21:33,030
Look at this face.
It's a horror show.

346
00:21:37,730 --> 00:21:40,464
Come on, Hansel.
It can't be that bad.

347
00:21:40,466 --> 00:21:41,666
It is.

348
00:21:42,602 --> 00:21:43,968
Take off your mask.
No.

349
00:21:43,970 --> 00:21:45,636
No way.

350
00:21:45,638 --> 00:21:48,072
No one's ever seen me
without this mask.

351
00:21:48,074 --> 00:21:50,114
(WHISPERING)
And no one ever will.

352
00:21:50,910 --> 00:21:53,678
I think I know the real you.

353
00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:55,680
And it has nothing to do
with the way you look.

354
00:21:56,716 --> 00:21:58,349
You mean that?

355
00:21:58,351 --> 00:21:59,583
Of course, I do.

356
00:21:59,919 --> 00:22:00,919
Okay.

357
00:22:05,091 --> 00:22:06,824
(SCREAMS) No!

358
00:22:06,826 --> 00:22:08,793
It's disgusting!
Put it back!

359
00:22:08,795 --> 00:22:10,828
I was wrong, please,
put the mask back on! It's so gross!

360
00:22:10,830 --> 00:22:13,030
I can't be friends with you
if you look like that! Please!

361
00:22:13,032 --> 00:22:15,700
(GAGS) It is so disgusting!
Please, put it back!

362
00:22:15,702 --> 00:22:17,101
Please, Hansel, put it back,
I was wrong!

363
00:22:17,103 --> 00:22:20,438
No. This feels good.

364
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:21,806
Could you please
put the mask back on

365
00:22:21,808 --> 00:22:23,107
so I can concentrate on
what you're saying?

366
00:22:23,109 --> 00:22:26,510
No! I'm done hiding.

367
00:22:26,512 --> 00:22:29,113
Look, there's only one way
for us to find ourselves.

368
00:22:29,115 --> 00:22:31,115
Know what that is?

369
00:22:31,117 --> 00:22:33,984
Look inward and connect
with our authentic truth?

370
00:22:33,986 --> 00:22:36,420
No. I was gonna say
become the two biggest,

371
00:22:36,422 --> 00:22:37,788
hottest models
in the world again.

372
00:22:37,790 --> 00:22:39,490
Okay.

373
00:22:39,492 --> 00:22:41,959
Okay. So what say
we get you cleaned up,

374
00:22:41,961 --> 00:22:44,061
shave that
billy goat beard,

375
00:22:44,063 --> 00:22:47,431
go downstairs and show these punks
what real fashion looks like?

376
00:22:48,034 --> 00:22:49,667
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

377
00:23:25,838 --> 00:23:27,104
(GASPS)

378
00:23:27,106 --> 00:23:29,907
Oh, my God. Yes, dude!

379
00:23:29,909 --> 00:23:33,878
Yes! You guys look so lame.
I love it, dude.

380
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:34,979
You ninjas dressed up
all old-school just to meet me.

381
00:23:34,981 --> 00:23:36,614
So Jedi.

382
00:23:36,616 --> 00:23:37,915
You guys suck.
Both of you guys suck.

383
00:23:37,917 --> 00:23:39,083
You look great. (GRUNTS)

384
00:23:39,819 --> 00:23:40,918
Thanks.

385
00:23:41,621 --> 00:23:43,154
I'm Don Atari. What up?

386
00:23:44,490 --> 00:23:45,790
What up, Hansel?

387
00:23:45,792 --> 00:23:48,492
(LAUGHS) Yeah. That's sick.

388
00:23:48,494 --> 00:23:50,027
Wait a minute.
"I'll call Billy...".

389
00:23:50,696 --> 00:23:51,829
I just said that!

390
00:23:52,932 --> 00:23:54,999
I know.
Like, 15 minutes ago, right?

391
00:23:55,001 --> 00:23:56,634
Vip told me,
so I made these retro shirts

392
00:23:56,636 --> 00:23:58,596
with your old catchphrase on it.

393
00:23:58,838 --> 00:24:00,671
Cool.

394
00:24:00,673 --> 00:24:02,006
Hey, let me introduce
my collective, dude.

395
00:24:02,008 --> 00:24:03,474
They're all losers,
I hate these guys.

396
00:24:03,476 --> 00:24:05,109
We got TRS-80, KITT...

397
00:24:05,812 --> 00:24:08,045
Rubik, my man Gleek.

398
00:24:08,047 --> 00:24:10,981
Eh, this guy gives
the best shitty tattoos ever.

399
00:24:10,983 --> 00:24:13,150
He's a genius.
His tattoos are so stupid.

400
00:24:13,152 --> 00:24:14,852
He's the one who did
my Colonel Sanders.

401
00:24:14,854 --> 00:24:16,020
Look at that,
pretty epic, huh?

402
00:24:16,022 --> 00:24:17,982
It sucks,
I don't like it, dude.

403
00:24:18,958 --> 00:24:21,525
Why would I do this to myself?
I never wanted this on me.

404
00:24:21,527 --> 00:24:23,527
I love it, dude. I got it
when my grandfather died.

405
00:24:23,763 --> 00:24:25,029
That's really cool.

406
00:24:25,031 --> 00:24:27,531
So, uh, what's the deal
with the show?

407
00:24:27,533 --> 00:24:29,967
Yeah, where do you want us
to fire up this chainsaw?

408
00:24:29,969 --> 00:24:33,003
Colosseum? Trevi Fountain?
Spanish Steps?

409
00:24:33,005 --> 00:24:34,138
(LAUGHS)

410
00:24:34,140 --> 00:24:35,806
What? No way, dude.

411
00:24:35,808 --> 00:24:38,108
Those places are
gnar-gnar bo-bo.

412
00:24:38,110 --> 00:24:40,144
We're holding it in an abandoned
medical waste facility

413
00:24:40,146 --> 00:24:42,079
on top of
an industrial trash heap.

414
00:24:42,081 --> 00:24:43,961
It's totally toxic,
but super chill.

415
00:24:44,250 --> 00:24:46,083
Cool! Sounds dope.

416
00:24:46,085 --> 00:24:47,218
Yeah, fresh.

417
00:24:47,220 --> 00:24:49,086
Oh, what?

418
00:24:49,088 --> 00:24:51,369
You guys are like,
"Sounds dope!" "Fresh!"

419
00:24:52,658 --> 00:24:54,959
They're doing the voices
and everything!

420
00:24:54,961 --> 00:24:57,127
I didn't think you guys
would do the voices. That's sick!

421
00:24:57,129 --> 00:24:59,129
"Sounds dope! Sounds fresh!"

422
00:25:00,700 --> 00:25:02,900
I don't like you guys.
It's an honor to have you.

423
00:25:19,619 --> 00:25:20,619
Hey, retreads!

424
00:25:21,687 --> 00:25:23,521
I want to introduce you all
to my muse

425
00:25:23,523 --> 00:25:25,122
and basically, like,
the biggest supermodel

426
00:25:25,124 --> 00:25:26,557
in the whole world
right now, dude.

427
00:25:26,559 --> 00:25:27,858
This is All.

428
00:25:28,794 --> 00:25:29,994
All what?

429
00:25:29,996 --> 00:25:31,195
We are All.

430
00:25:31,197 --> 00:25:36,267
So, are you like a male model
or a female model?

431
00:25:36,269 --> 00:25:38,629
All is not defined
by binary constructs.

432
00:25:39,639 --> 00:25:42,139
That's cool.
I don't like labels, either.

433
00:25:42,141 --> 00:25:44,422
But I think he's asking,
do you have a hot dog or a bun?

434
00:25:46,612 --> 00:25:48,252
Do you have a wiener
or vergiener?

435
00:25:48,881 --> 00:25:51,615
All is all to all.

436
00:25:53,986 --> 00:25:56,887
By the way, All just
married hermself, dude.

437
00:25:56,889 --> 00:25:58,409
Monomarriage is
finally legal in Italy.

438
00:25:58,925 --> 00:26:00,791
I support that.

439
00:26:00,793 --> 00:26:02,153
Derek, that's pretty good,
right?

440
00:26:05,932 --> 00:26:08,232
Uh, I'm sorry,
are you not comfortable

441
00:26:08,234 --> 00:26:09,099
with people like All
in the workplace or something?

442
00:26:10,069 --> 00:26:12,336
No. Of course, I am.

443
00:26:12,338 --> 00:26:14,138
I mean, like, if your son or whatever
came to you and said,

444
00:26:14,140 --> 00:26:15,773
"Hey, Dad,
I really want to marry All,"

445
00:26:15,775 --> 00:26:17,274
like, wouldn't you
be so stoked for that?

446
00:26:17,276 --> 00:26:19,143
Isn't that, like,
exactly what you want?

447
00:26:19,145 --> 00:26:20,978
Imagine All walking in,
being like,

448
00:26:20,980 --> 00:26:22,947
"We'll finally be together."

449
00:26:22,949 --> 00:26:25,269
You'd be like hella
stoked for that, right?

450
00:26:25,651 --> 00:26:27,651
Yeah.

451
00:26:27,653 --> 00:26:29,013
I'd be, like,
totally stoked.

452
00:26:30,256 --> 00:26:32,022
All is done here. Atari.

453
00:26:32,858 --> 00:26:34,258
See you, fools.

454
00:26:34,260 --> 00:26:37,061
Guys, Alexanya Atoz is here!

455
00:26:37,063 --> 00:26:38,228
The show must begin now!

456
00:26:40,766 --> 00:26:43,834
Wow. Alexanya Atoz.

457
00:26:43,836 --> 00:26:45,916
They say she doesn't walk.
She just floats.

458
00:26:50,076 --> 00:26:51,675
She looks even better
in person.

459
00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:56,146
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

460
00:27:00,886 --> 00:27:03,046
Ah, I got those juices
flowing again.

461
00:27:08,794 --> 00:27:11,228
Just put us out there.
Let us do our thing.

462
00:27:14,634 --> 00:27:15,366
Come on! Come on!

463
00:27:15,368 --> 00:27:19,269
Chop, chop!
Lay down, lay down!

464
00:27:19,271 --> 00:27:21,205
Get in, get in.
Take off your robes.

465
00:27:23,009 --> 00:27:24,642
Go! Go! Go!

466
00:27:26,912 --> 00:27:30,714
Derek! I have a really
good feeling about this.

467
00:27:30,716 --> 00:27:32,783
I know. I feel so alive!

468
00:27:33,753 --> 00:27:34,753
(RUMBLING)

469
00:27:37,690 --> 00:27:38,850
(SCARY ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

470
00:27:39,291 --> 00:27:41,011
Oh!
(GROANS)

471
00:27:42,428 --> 00:27:43,927
(CROWD GASPS)

472
00:27:44,797 --> 00:27:45,797
(GRUNTING)

473
00:27:52,238 --> 00:27:53,404
"Old"?

474
00:27:55,675 --> 00:27:56,840
"Lame"?

475
00:28:00,713 --> 00:28:01,713
(ALL GASP)

476
00:28:05,117 --> 00:28:06,817
Ha! Yah!
(BOTH GROANING)

477
00:28:08,187 --> 00:28:09,987
(YELLING)

478
00:28:11,123 --> 00:28:12,256
Quit it, All!

479
00:28:12,258 --> 00:28:13,791
(GRUNTS)

480
00:28:13,793 --> 00:28:15,926
HANSEL: Hot dog!
It's definitely a hot dog!

481
00:28:16,395 --> 00:28:17,395
All is done.

482
00:28:26,205 --> 00:28:27,205
"Prunes"?

483
00:28:29,975 --> 00:28:31,141
(ALL GASP)

484
00:28:33,746 --> 00:28:35,779
(SCREAMING)

485
00:28:45,391 --> 00:28:47,391
So let me tell you
what I think worked.

486
00:28:47,393 --> 00:28:50,027
I think we got to shake off
some of the rust.

487
00:28:50,029 --> 00:28:51,361
I was trying out
a few new looks,

488
00:28:51,363 --> 00:28:53,230
although it might
have been hard to see

489
00:28:53,231 --> 00:28:55,098
through all the dates, or,
was it, you know, prunes?

490
00:28:55,101 --> 00:28:57,234
Hansel, are you insane?

491
00:28:57,236 --> 00:28:58,902
We were a joke out there.

492
00:28:58,904 --> 00:29:00,144
A total laughing stick.

493
00:29:01,140 --> 00:29:02,806
What do you want me to say?
I mean, I know...

494
00:29:02,808 --> 00:29:04,141
I know we
looked like idiots,

495
00:29:04,143 --> 00:29:05,275
but I'm trying to make
the best of it!

496
00:29:05,277 --> 00:29:06,310
ALEXANYA: Knuck, knuck!

497
00:29:06,312 --> 00:29:07,512
Not now! We...

498
00:29:11,951 --> 00:29:13,150
You...

499
00:29:13,786 --> 00:29:15,319
...two...

500
00:29:15,321 --> 00:29:17,020
...vere amowzing.

501
00:29:18,290 --> 00:29:19,757
Deeryuck.

502
00:29:19,759 --> 00:29:22,426
Your fece so hundsome.

503
00:29:22,428 --> 00:29:24,762
Und, Hansel, so stemmy.

504
00:29:26,432 --> 00:29:29,266
Ridowkulously stemmy and hyot.

505
00:29:31,170 --> 00:29:33,451
I'm sorry. I can't understand a word
that you're saying.

506
00:29:34,273 --> 00:29:37,274
I want to invite
you to be my gyuests

507
00:29:37,276 --> 00:29:40,978
at the most elite
fishion event in housetory.

508
00:29:42,314 --> 00:29:43,847
The IncrediBall.

509
00:29:44,784 --> 00:29:45,983
Oh, what!

510
00:29:46,952 --> 00:29:48,318
The IncrediBall?

511
00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:49,419
Is that like the Met Ball?

512
00:29:50,022 --> 00:29:51,288
(LAUGHS)

513
00:29:53,125 --> 00:29:56,860
No, sveet, stupid Deryuck.

514
00:29:56,862 --> 00:30:00,831
For the first time
in the housetory of fishion,

515
00:30:00,833 --> 00:30:03,967
all of the most important
designers will come together

516
00:30:03,969 --> 00:30:05,502
under one rureff.

517
00:30:06,972 --> 00:30:10,107
I trust you will be dere

518
00:30:10,109 --> 00:30:13,343
with your hyot
and stemmy feces.

519
00:30:19,151 --> 00:30:20,951
Dudes. Holy Shazbot! What!

520
00:30:22,388 --> 00:30:24,555
You're guys are gonna be
the center-pizzle of IncrediBall!

521
00:30:24,557 --> 00:30:26,857
What does that mean?

522
00:30:26,859 --> 00:30:29,539
(INDISTINCTLY)
The center-pizzle of IncrediBall.

523
00:30:30,896 --> 00:30:32,496
That was bananas, Johnny.

524
00:30:36,569 --> 00:30:38,235
I'm done.

525
00:30:38,237 --> 00:30:40,304
What? Derek, what are you
talking about?

526
00:30:40,306 --> 00:30:41,605
Did you not hear
what they just said?

527
00:30:41,607 --> 00:30:43,907
We're going to be the center
of the IncrediBall.

528
00:30:43,909 --> 00:30:46,510
I can only pray that nobody from
Child Services attended the show

529
00:30:46,512 --> 00:30:48,111
or I'll never get
little Derek back.

530
00:30:48,881 --> 00:30:50,113
What about
all the attention?

531
00:30:50,115 --> 00:30:52,616
This is exactly
what we were talking about!

532
00:30:52,618 --> 00:30:54,985
No, Hansel. It's exactly
what you were talking about.

533
00:30:55,487 --> 00:30:57,154
We don't fit in anymore.

534
00:30:57,156 --> 00:31:00,624
Don Atari and All
and that creepy little Vip!

535
00:31:00,626 --> 00:31:02,786
I don't want any part of it!
Derek.

536
00:31:02,962 --> 00:31:04,082
Derek!

537
00:31:04,864 --> 00:31:07,030
Derek! D-rock!

538
00:31:08,100 --> 00:31:09,867
(ENGINE THROTTLING)

539
00:31:12,037 --> 00:31:13,136
(TIRES SQUEALING)

540
00:31:32,258 --> 00:31:33,924
Derek Zoolander?

541
00:31:33,926 --> 00:31:35,058
Yes.

542
00:31:35,895 --> 00:31:37,961
Valentina Valencia.

543
00:31:37,963 --> 00:31:40,564
Interpol,
Global Fashion Division.

544
00:31:40,566 --> 00:31:43,934
Fashion Police? We're clean, lady.
Go harass somebody else.

545
00:31:43,936 --> 00:31:45,669
Besides,
I'm out of fashion.

546
00:31:46,472 --> 00:31:47,712
I need to talk to you.

547
00:31:49,141 --> 00:31:51,141
It has to do with
the death of Justin Bieber.

548
00:31:51,143 --> 00:31:53,543
His death is not my problem.

549
00:31:53,545 --> 00:31:56,980
Look, I'm trying to find out who's
killing the pop stars of the world.

550
00:31:56,982 --> 00:31:59,022
And I think
you're my only chance.

551
00:32:00,152 --> 00:32:02,986
What part of "not my problem"
did you not understand?

552
00:32:02,988 --> 00:32:04,068
None of it.

553
00:32:07,159 --> 00:32:09,559
So you did understand the part
about it not being my problem,

554
00:32:09,561 --> 00:32:12,441
or you didn't understand any part of
it not being a part of my problem?

555
00:32:13,399 --> 00:32:15,332
No, no, no, Derek.

556
00:32:15,334 --> 00:32:17,401
I think what she's saying is that
she understands what you're saying,

557
00:32:17,403 --> 00:32:18,669
but she doesn't accept it.

558
00:32:18,671 --> 00:32:20,470
Hansel!
It's all too confusing.

559
00:32:21,974 --> 00:32:23,407
I thought coming here
would help me find myself,

560
00:32:23,409 --> 00:32:25,509
and possibly my son.

561
00:32:25,511 --> 00:32:27,391
But this is more
than I bargained for.

562
00:32:29,148 --> 00:32:32,228
This hermit crab is crawling
back into his planetarium.

563
00:32:34,420 --> 00:32:37,487
I can use the database at Interpol
to help you find your son.

564
00:32:40,326 --> 00:32:41,725
If you help me.

565
00:32:44,396 --> 00:32:46,263
I think we got to
play ball with her.

566
00:32:46,265 --> 00:32:47,731
She's got some kind
of database

567
00:32:47,733 --> 00:32:49,967
or something
that she says

568
00:32:49,969 --> 00:32:51,249
will help us
find little Derek.

569
00:32:55,274 --> 00:32:56,606
And she's hot.

570
00:32:56,608 --> 00:32:57,608
I trust her.

571
00:32:59,578 --> 00:33:01,378
(TIRES SQUEALING)

572
00:33:09,321 --> 00:33:10,754
(MOUTHING INAUDIBLY)

573
00:33:10,756 --> 00:33:12,522
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

574
00:33:26,638 --> 00:33:30,107
VALENTINA: So, before Bieber died,
he Twitpic'd this look.

575
00:33:30,109 --> 00:33:32,429
He posted it to the blogspot
for his summer concert tour.

576
00:33:33,412 --> 00:33:35,112
He was trying
to send a message.

577
00:33:38,017 --> 00:33:39,616
It's Blue Steel, right?

578
00:33:41,620 --> 00:33:43,353
What are you,
a fucking idiot?

579
00:33:45,691 --> 00:33:48,759
Yeah, that's Blue Steel.
(LAUGHS)

580
00:33:48,761 --> 00:33:51,328
My question is, is Interpol
one of those socialist things

581
00:33:51,330 --> 00:33:53,430
where they hire
mentally-impaired people?

582
00:33:53,432 --> 00:33:55,232
I... I know.
(SCOFFING)

583
00:33:56,035 --> 00:33:57,434
That's right.

584
00:33:57,436 --> 00:33:59,556
I heard your mother
worked here.

585
00:33:59,605 --> 00:34:01,304
(LAUGHS) Oh, snap!

586
00:34:04,309 --> 00:34:04,958
(HISSES)

587
00:34:04,959 --> 00:34:07,079
My mother
doesn't work here.

588
00:34:07,546 --> 00:34:09,312
No more games, okay?

589
00:34:09,314 --> 00:34:11,114
Is this Blue Steel or not?

590
00:34:11,583 --> 00:34:13,717
Not even close.

591
00:34:13,719 --> 00:34:15,239
I knew what it was
the moment I saw it.

592
00:34:16,088 --> 00:34:17,521
It's an old one...
From the 90s.

593
00:34:17,523 --> 00:34:19,189
It was for a body lotion
campaign I did.

594
00:34:19,758 --> 00:34:21,324
I called it "Aqua Vitae".

595
00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:22,760
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

596
00:34:23,829 --> 00:34:25,562
(KEYS CLACKING)

597
00:34:28,067 --> 00:34:29,566
(MUSIC PLAYING)

598
00:35:02,601 --> 00:35:04,234
Young forever.

599
00:35:04,636 --> 00:35:06,736
Moo!

600
00:35:12,377 --> 00:35:13,777
Still holds up.

601
00:35:15,214 --> 00:35:17,214
Notice the curvature
of my right eyebrow.

602
00:35:17,216 --> 00:35:19,136
It's night and day
from Blue Steel.

603
00:35:19,218 --> 00:35:20,851
He's right.

604
00:35:20,853 --> 00:35:24,121
When I overlay them, there are over
14,000 different facial anomalies.

605
00:35:24,423 --> 00:35:26,256
Wow.

606
00:35:26,258 --> 00:35:28,792
I had no idea there was
so much subtlety involved.

607
00:35:30,896 --> 00:35:32,896
Please accept my apologies,
Derek.

608
00:35:33,432 --> 00:35:34,731
None taken.

609
00:35:43,742 --> 00:35:46,576
(SOFTLY) Whoa!

610
00:35:46,578 --> 00:35:48,845
Filippo, we need to find
everything there is on Aqua Vitae.

611
00:35:48,847 --> 00:35:50,087
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

612
00:35:52,217 --> 00:35:54,417
Hold on a second, lady.
A deal's a deal.

613
00:35:55,754 --> 00:35:57,487
Now, you help me
find my son.

614
00:35:57,489 --> 00:35:59,189
Sure.

615
00:35:59,191 --> 00:36:00,790
His name is Derek Jr.?

616
00:36:00,792 --> 00:36:02,259
Yes.

617
00:36:02,261 --> 00:36:04,561
Have you ever Facebooked him?

618
00:36:04,563 --> 00:36:06,763
No, thanks.
Matilda facebooked...

619
00:36:07,566 --> 00:36:08,806
...and it killed her.

620
00:36:09,568 --> 00:36:10,934
Found him.

621
00:36:10,936 --> 00:36:13,370
He's at the Orphanage
Del Piccolo Cletusi.

622
00:36:14,806 --> 00:36:16,473
Here.

623
00:36:16,475 --> 00:36:17,475
In Rome.

624
00:36:18,277 --> 00:36:19,376
Wait. What?

625
00:36:20,412 --> 00:36:22,312
He's in Rome.

626
00:36:22,314 --> 00:36:24,794
That's convenient. So we can hit
that party at the IncrediBall.

627
00:36:25,484 --> 00:36:27,350
A little too convenient.

628
00:36:28,453 --> 00:36:30,453
Someone wants you here, guys.

629
00:36:30,455 --> 00:36:31,455
But who?

630
00:36:32,558 --> 00:36:34,191
Listen to me.

631
00:36:34,193 --> 00:36:35,659
(WHISPERS) Be careful
at the orphanage.

632
00:36:35,661 --> 00:36:37,460
And trust no one
at House of Atoz.

633
00:36:38,497 --> 00:36:39,829
I'll see what I can find.

634
00:37:08,627 --> 00:37:11,628
Thanks for coming with me.
I feel kind of nervous.

635
00:37:11,630 --> 00:37:14,297
Hey. You're showing up.
Feel good.

636
00:37:27,913 --> 00:37:28,878
That must be him.

637
00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:29,880
Where?

638
00:37:37,022 --> 00:37:39,322
He's even more gorgeous
than I imagined.

639
00:37:41,260 --> 00:37:42,892
You're a lucky man.

640
00:37:44,529 --> 00:37:45,662
You there. Boy.

641
00:37:48,267 --> 00:37:50,187
What's his name?
Who?

642
00:37:50,769 --> 00:37:51,935
Him?

643
00:37:51,937 --> 00:37:53,036
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

644
00:37:53,038 --> 00:37:54,638
That's Fabrizio.

645
00:37:55,007 --> 00:37:56,406
Fabrizio.

646
00:37:57,442 --> 00:37:58,808
What a beautiful name.

647
00:37:59,945 --> 00:38:02,746
He used to be
called Derek Jr.

648
00:38:02,748 --> 00:38:04,814
Really? That's strange,
'cause that's my name.

649
00:38:07,452 --> 00:38:10,553
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

650
00:38:11,823 --> 00:38:12,823
(ALL LAUGHING)

651
00:38:13,492 --> 00:38:14,591
(GASPS)

652
00:38:14,960 --> 00:38:16,293
Bye, mister.

653
00:38:17,596 --> 00:38:19,029
Let's go.
What?

654
00:38:19,031 --> 00:38:20,563
Let's go.
What? Why?

655
00:38:20,565 --> 00:38:21,665
I can't do this.

656
00:38:21,667 --> 00:38:23,033
Why not?

657
00:38:23,035 --> 00:38:26,736
He's fat!
The fat one is Derek Jr.

658
00:38:26,738 --> 00:38:28,872
No, that chubby kid's
name is Fatlander.

659
00:38:28,874 --> 00:38:30,607
I heard them call him that.

660
00:38:30,609 --> 00:38:32,909
Don't you get it?
He switched the "Zoo" part with "Fat".

661
00:38:32,911 --> 00:38:36,346
That's how he came up with "Fatlander".
Fat equals Zoo!

662
00:38:36,348 --> 00:38:39,382
So wait. You're saying that just
because your son is fat

663
00:38:39,384 --> 00:38:41,665
that makes him some sort
of terrible person?

664
00:38:42,454 --> 00:38:43,720
(SIGHS) Maybe you're right.

665
00:38:43,722 --> 00:38:45,422
No, I'm asking.

666
00:38:45,424 --> 00:38:47,891
Does being fat make someone
a terrible person?

667
00:38:47,893 --> 00:38:49,977
And I'm agreeing with you.

668
00:38:49,978 --> 00:38:52,259
I seriously think my fat son
might be a terrible person.

669
00:38:56,368 --> 00:38:57,967
And it doesn't make him
a good person, I know that.

670
00:38:57,969 --> 00:38:59,102
But I don't know
what to say.

671
00:38:59,104 --> 00:39:01,544
I think you better
puddle-talk it out.

672
00:39:03,575 --> 00:39:04,655
(SIGHS)

673
00:39:14,353 --> 00:39:16,233
So I guess
I have a lot to ponder.

674
00:39:17,489 --> 00:39:18,988
You sure do.

675
00:39:18,990 --> 00:39:21,358
WOMAN: Derek.

676
00:39:21,927 --> 00:39:24,060
What? Who's that?

677
00:39:24,062 --> 00:39:25,102
I don't know.
It wasn't me.

678
00:39:25,864 --> 00:39:27,364
WOMAN: Derek.

679
00:39:27,666 --> 00:39:29,466
Derek.

680
00:39:30,836 --> 00:39:33,002
Ghost of Matilda?
Is that really you?

681
00:39:33,605 --> 00:39:35,572
Yes, Derek.

682
00:39:35,574 --> 00:39:39,376
I'm sorry I haven't been in touch,
but I've just been so dead.

683
00:39:39,845 --> 00:39:40,845
Listen.

684
00:39:41,546 --> 00:39:43,446
You must love our son.

685
00:39:43,782 --> 00:39:46,149
He needs you.

686
00:39:46,151 --> 00:39:48,618
But beware
of the Headmaster.

687
00:39:49,755 --> 00:39:50,820
What's happening to you?

688
00:39:51,423 --> 00:39:52,956
Love our son.

689
00:39:53,825 --> 00:39:56,793
Ew!
And beware the Headmaster.

690
00:39:56,795 --> 00:39:57,795
(SCREAMS)

691
00:39:58,163 --> 00:39:59,596
Hello.

692
00:39:59,598 --> 00:40:00,864
(SCREAMS)

693
00:40:00,866 --> 00:40:01,965
I'm the Headmaster.

694
00:40:02,801 --> 00:40:04,667
Derek Zoolander...

695
00:40:05,437 --> 00:40:07,103
...I'm assuming.

696
00:40:07,105 --> 00:40:10,807
Because I've never
met you ever.

697
00:40:10,809 --> 00:40:13,710
Mr. Hansel informs me
that you'd like to see your son.

698
00:40:14,579 --> 00:40:16,579
Easily arranged. Come.

699
00:40:21,620 --> 00:40:25,060
I should tell you,
your son is incredibly gifted.

700
00:40:25,490 --> 00:40:27,891
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello.

701
00:40:27,893 --> 00:40:30,527
DISTORTED VOICE: <i>If you want to find
the Spirits in the Material World,</i>

702
00:40:30,529 --> 00:40:33,163
<i>you need to talk
to the Ghost in the Machine.</i>

703
00:40:33,165 --> 00:40:35,098
What? Who is this?

704
00:40:35,100 --> 00:40:37,133
<i>I have a Message
in a Bottle for you,</i>

705
00:40:37,135 --> 00:40:41,104
<i>so don't go to The Police.</i>

706
00:40:41,106 --> 00:40:44,707
Okay, don't go to the police
'cause there's a message in a bottle.

707
00:40:44,709 --> 00:40:47,143
(CHUCKLES) Okay, I got it.

708
00:40:47,145 --> 00:40:49,446
Now go prank call
someone else, idiot.

709
00:40:49,948 --> 00:40:51,214
Here they are now.

710
00:40:57,722 --> 00:40:59,589
Hey, there, sport.

711
00:41:01,193 --> 00:41:03,313
I hear someone's
a fat little smartypants.

712
00:41:07,098 --> 00:41:08,531
I'll leave you to it, then.

713
00:41:09,734 --> 00:41:11,100
I'm gonna let
you two catch up

714
00:41:11,102 --> 00:41:12,702
and maybe hit the spa
back at the Caca.

715
00:41:15,974 --> 00:41:18,808
Look, I know you have
a lot of unresolved feelings,

716
00:41:18,810 --> 00:41:20,844
but I'm still your father.

717
00:41:20,846 --> 00:41:23,813
You're not my father.
You weren't there.

718
00:41:23,815 --> 00:41:27,150
That wasn't my choice.
I was there when you were little.

719
00:41:27,152 --> 00:41:30,086
Most kids play
catch with their father.

720
00:41:30,088 --> 00:41:33,223
They don't go with them
to a thong shoot.

721
00:41:33,225 --> 00:41:35,024
There are lots of
starving children in Africa

722
00:41:35,026 --> 00:41:36,826
who would die to
go to a thong shoot.

723
00:41:37,229 --> 00:41:38,229
What?

724
00:41:39,197 --> 00:41:41,064
Look, let me
make it up to you.

725
00:41:41,066 --> 00:41:42,499
Let's go play
ball-catching now.

726
00:41:42,868 --> 00:41:44,567
Ball-catching?

727
00:41:44,569 --> 00:41:46,369
So how's the family
reunion going?

728
00:41:47,272 --> 00:41:49,205
Great. I'd like
to check him out

729
00:41:49,207 --> 00:41:51,074
for a few hours,
if that's okay.

730
00:41:51,076 --> 00:41:53,877
Sure. As long as
he's back by sundown.

731
00:41:55,580 --> 00:41:57,547
He seems like a nice guy.

732
00:41:57,549 --> 00:41:58,915
You seem like an idiot.

733
00:42:00,585 --> 00:42:02,519
Okay, I think I know
what would help right now.

734
00:42:02,988 --> 00:42:04,108
What?

735
00:42:05,156 --> 00:42:07,190
Frozen <i>chocolata gelato!</i>

736
00:42:09,961 --> 00:42:11,661
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

737
00:42:19,738 --> 00:42:20,858
<i>Ciao!</i>

738
00:42:27,846 --> 00:42:29,812
(BOTH SCREAMING)

739
00:42:35,887 --> 00:42:37,887
DEREK JR.: (CRYING)
Oh, my God!

740
00:42:44,763 --> 00:42:46,029
(EXHALES)

741
00:42:48,166 --> 00:42:49,966
Hashtag, oops.

742
00:42:53,271 --> 00:42:56,906
You know, sometimes it takes an
extremely traumatic experience

743
00:42:56,908 --> 00:42:58,942
to make you appreciate
a good makeover.

744
00:42:58,944 --> 00:43:00,143
Am I right?

745
00:43:01,980 --> 00:43:03,046
Derek?

746
00:43:05,717 --> 00:43:07,050
Derek Jr.!

747
00:43:13,992 --> 00:43:16,326
Are you mentally insane?
What?

748
00:43:16,328 --> 00:43:19,862
What are you reading?
<i>I Am Malalalala?</i>

749
00:43:19,864 --> 00:43:21,864
No books!
Think of your mother.

750
00:43:23,335 --> 00:43:26,135
What's the big deal?
Mom read tons of books.

751
00:43:26,137 --> 00:43:28,337
And a one-ton book
killed her.

752
00:43:29,608 --> 00:43:32,141
The book didn't kill Mom.
You did.

753
00:43:32,143 --> 00:43:33,843
And you nearly
killed me, too.

754
00:43:35,113 --> 00:43:38,915
Come on. Look at us.
We look ridiculous.

755
00:43:38,917 --> 00:43:41,050
What, okay, maybe your
pants are a little loose.

756
00:43:41,052 --> 00:43:43,219
Are you serious right now?
What?

757
00:43:43,221 --> 00:43:45,888
I don't want to be
anything like you!

758
00:43:45,890 --> 00:43:46,889
You're a has-been!

759
00:43:46,891 --> 00:43:50,693
And you are
the most narcissistic,

760
00:43:50,695 --> 00:43:52,929
self-involved person
I've ever met!

761
00:43:54,232 --> 00:43:56,552
But that's not
how I think of me.

762
00:43:57,002 --> 00:43:58,067
I'm going back to school.

763
00:43:59,704 --> 00:44:02,071
Little Derek,
come back here!

764
00:44:02,073 --> 00:44:04,107
I thought we were gonna
give each other facials!

765
00:44:04,109 --> 00:44:05,942
(WHISTLES)
(ENGINE RUNNING)

766
00:44:05,944 --> 00:44:08,211
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

767
00:44:10,215 --> 00:44:11,215
Wait.

768
00:44:12,951 --> 00:44:14,350
How did you learn
to speak Italian?

769
00:44:14,352 --> 00:44:15,552
Because I'm smart!

770
00:44:17,055 --> 00:44:19,122
Mom was smart, too.

771
00:44:19,124 --> 00:44:21,157
The only stupid thing
she ever did

772
00:44:21,159 --> 00:44:22,425
was fall in love with you.

773
00:44:24,763 --> 00:44:27,397
I don't even have the words to
express what a burn that is.

774
00:44:29,367 --> 00:44:32,669
(SIGHS) I don't know
what to say.

775
00:44:32,671 --> 00:44:35,738
No, I mean I literally don't
have the vocabulary to respond.

776
00:44:35,740 --> 00:44:37,674
You're like
a walking Tyrannosaurus.

777
00:44:38,810 --> 00:44:40,810
You mean "walking thesaurus".

778
00:44:42,013 --> 00:44:43,212
I don't know.

779
00:44:44,983 --> 00:44:47,950
I guess it's nice that you
want to reconnect or whatever.

780
00:44:47,952 --> 00:44:49,318
But we're too different.

781
00:44:49,320 --> 00:44:50,720
And it's too late.

782
00:44:52,691 --> 00:44:54,023
Thanks for the gelato.

783
00:44:58,897 --> 00:45:00,029
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

784
00:45:12,410 --> 00:45:13,843
Orgy.

785
00:45:16,815 --> 00:45:18,715
WOMAN: Hi there, Hansel.

786
00:45:25,924 --> 00:45:28,257
I heard you

787
00:45:29,060 --> 00:45:30,860
are on the rebound.

788
00:45:30,862 --> 00:45:33,730
No, no. I'm still...
Still committed.

789
00:45:33,732 --> 00:45:36,799
We're just taking
a little time to kind of...

790
00:45:36,801 --> 00:45:39,168
Doesn't mean we can't enjoy
each other's bodies.

791
00:45:39,971 --> 00:45:41,404
(WHISPERS) Oh, damn it.

792
00:45:42,440 --> 00:45:43,840
MAN: Hansel.

793
00:45:43,842 --> 00:45:48,277
Meaningless sex always makes
me feel better about myself.

794
00:45:51,816 --> 00:45:53,282
Come on.

795
00:45:59,290 --> 00:46:00,757
Ooh.

796
00:46:02,227 --> 00:46:04,293
(EXHALES AND SIGHS)

797
00:46:13,772 --> 00:46:15,404
(POUNDING)

798
00:46:15,406 --> 00:46:17,039
(SHUSHING)

799
00:46:17,041 --> 00:46:19,408
KIEFER: Hansel!
(POUNDING)

800
00:46:19,410 --> 00:46:20,810
We know you're in there!

801
00:46:20,812 --> 00:46:21,852
Stay here. Stay here.

802
00:46:23,214 --> 00:46:25,314
Hansel, let us in!
We want to apologize!

803
00:46:26,851 --> 00:46:29,285
Come back to the pigpile,
Hansel.

804
00:46:29,287 --> 00:46:32,922
Touch-a, touch-a, touch me.
I want to be dirty.

805
00:46:32,924 --> 00:46:34,557
That's it. I've had enough.
Everybody, back up.

806
00:46:34,559 --> 00:46:36,826
Back! Back!

807
00:46:36,828 --> 00:46:37,828
(YELLS)

808
00:46:40,932 --> 00:46:42,231
Hello! Hello!

809
00:46:42,233 --> 00:46:43,233
Ah.

810
00:46:43,535 --> 00:46:44,967
My gosh.

811
00:46:44,969 --> 00:46:46,869
God...
Ow!

812
00:46:48,973 --> 00:46:50,239
(CLUCKING)

813
00:46:53,278 --> 00:46:54,977
(GRUNTING)

814
00:46:59,017 --> 00:47:00,883
Oh, Hansel.

815
00:47:00,885 --> 00:47:03,085
Okay. You guys have a talk.
I'm going to a bar.

816
00:47:03,087 --> 00:47:04,587
That's a good idea.
Yeah, go.

817
00:47:04,589 --> 00:47:06,255
Hey...

818
00:47:06,257 --> 00:47:07,990
You are a basic bitch.

819
00:47:09,294 --> 00:47:11,928
Come on, let's go.
Come on. Out.

820
00:47:12,397 --> 00:47:13,529
I can kill you.

821
00:47:16,367 --> 00:47:19,035
Please.
Let me just explain.

822
00:47:19,037 --> 00:47:22,104
Guys, you didn't even give
me a chance to explain!

823
00:47:22,106 --> 00:47:24,273
Hansel, how can you expect
to love 11 people

824
00:47:25,276 --> 00:47:27,076
when you don't even
love yourself?

825
00:47:31,115 --> 00:47:32,882
I hope they were worth it.

826
00:47:34,519 --> 00:47:35,918
That's not fair.

827
00:47:36,387 --> 00:47:37,520
Kiefer!

828
00:47:38,456 --> 00:47:40,156
Kiefer!

829
00:47:40,158 --> 00:47:41,238
(TOILET FLUSHING)

830
00:47:43,027 --> 00:47:45,528
Hey, where did everybody go?
I wasn't done with that hippo.

831
00:47:46,197 --> 00:47:47,230
(GROANS)

832
00:47:49,534 --> 00:47:51,234
(PANTING)

833
00:47:51,236 --> 00:47:53,436
Who am I?

834
00:47:56,507 --> 00:47:57,940
DEREK: Who am I?

835
00:48:00,912 --> 00:48:03,279
Derek?
Hey, Hansel.

836
00:48:03,281 --> 00:48:05,281
Are you trying to figure out
who you are, also?

837
00:48:05,316 --> 00:48:06,316
Yep.

838
00:48:07,118 --> 00:48:10,286
<i>♪ Who am I? ♪</i>

839
00:48:12,156 --> 00:48:14,290
DEREK: Hey, Katy!

840
00:48:14,292 --> 00:48:17,193
Yeah, it's like, when will we
find out who we really are?

841
00:48:17,595 --> 00:48:18,595
I know, right?

842
00:48:19,063 --> 00:48:20,229
Who am I?

843
00:48:21,099 --> 00:48:23,466
Neil deGrasse Tyson.

844
00:48:23,468 --> 00:48:25,268
Even you don't
know who you are?

845
00:48:25,403 --> 00:48:27,670
In an ever-expanding universe,

846
00:48:27,672 --> 00:48:31,540
slowly pulling itself apart
into nothingness,

847
00:48:31,542 --> 00:48:35,444
what use does the question
"Who am I?" even have?

848
00:48:37,482 --> 00:48:40,682
Neil, I got to say, you're totally
blowing my mind right now.

849
00:48:41,352 --> 00:48:43,152
That's what I do.

850
00:48:43,154 --> 00:48:45,521
I'm Neil
deGrasse Tyson, bitch.

851
00:48:46,124 --> 00:48:47,990
Whoo!

852
00:48:47,992 --> 00:48:51,027
Hansel! Derek!
You have to come to Interpol!

853
00:48:51,029 --> 00:48:53,462
I have incredible news!

854
00:48:53,464 --> 00:48:56,365
VALENTINA: We did a full diagnostic
on your Aqua Vitae look,

855
00:48:56,367 --> 00:48:59,135
and a linguistics analysis
on its etymology.

856
00:48:59,137 --> 00:49:01,537
The direct translation
is "Water of Life."

857
00:49:01,539 --> 00:49:03,706
But many have
interpreted it another way.

858
00:49:05,576 --> 00:49:07,376
"The Fountain of Youth".

859
00:49:08,646 --> 00:49:11,147
Okay, look, I only
worked there for a summer.

860
00:49:11,149 --> 00:49:14,050
And, no, they don't
give happy endings.

861
00:49:14,052 --> 00:49:16,352
No, Derek.
The actual Fountain of Youth.

862
00:49:18,656 --> 00:49:24,160
Can you imagine if the Fountain
of Youth indeed does exist...

863
00:49:24,162 --> 00:49:27,229
And if Alexanya Atoz
could market such a liquid...

864
00:49:28,433 --> 00:49:30,700
<i>Do you ever
get that feeling</i>

865
00:49:30,702 --> 00:49:34,337
<i>when you see beautiful teenager
girl with perfect skin</i>

866
00:49:34,339 --> 00:49:37,473
<i>and you want to kill her
and take her skin</i>

867
00:49:37,475 --> 00:49:39,475
<i>and put it on your skin?</i>

868
00:49:39,477 --> 00:49:41,410
<i>We bottled that feeling.</i>

869
00:49:41,412 --> 00:49:43,646
<i>House of Atoz Yowth Milk.</i>

870
00:49:45,083 --> 00:49:46,415
...she would make billions.

871
00:49:47,218 --> 00:49:48,298
(PHONE RINGING)

872
00:49:48,553 --> 00:49:49,793
(SOFTLY) Excuse me.

873
00:49:51,990 --> 00:49:53,389
Orgy?

874
00:49:53,391 --> 00:49:55,231
DISTORTED VOICE:
<i>You are in serious danger.</i>

875
00:49:55,727 --> 00:49:58,127
<i>Don't Stand
So Close To Me.</i>

876
00:49:58,129 --> 00:50:00,329
Come on.
It's this prank caller again.

877
00:50:00,331 --> 00:50:01,597
Put it on speaker.
What... Why?

878
00:50:01,599 --> 00:50:03,132
Just put it
on speaker!

879
00:50:03,701 --> 00:50:05,334
Who is this?

880
00:50:05,336 --> 00:50:08,270
<i>I am your King of Pain.</i>

881
00:50:08,272 --> 00:50:11,152
Every breath this guy takes, I'm like,
"What are you talking about?"

882
00:50:11,609 --> 00:50:13,442
<i>Oh, Jesus.</i>

883
00:50:13,443 --> 00:50:16,123
<i>Just meet me at Saint Peter's
Basilica at midnight.</i>

884
00:50:18,116 --> 00:50:20,436
Sounds like this guy's
really into Sting.

885
00:50:21,052 --> 00:50:23,452
I model my life after Sting.

886
00:50:23,454 --> 00:50:25,488
And Bieber was killed
in front of Sting's villa.

887
00:50:26,657 --> 00:50:27,723
What?

888
00:50:33,531 --> 00:50:35,331
(CHANTING)

889
00:51:13,404 --> 00:51:14,670
(WHISPERING)
Forgive me, Father.

890
00:51:14,672 --> 00:51:16,552
I have many sins
that I would like to confess.

891
00:51:18,176 --> 00:51:20,496
One of my sins has to do with
the death of Justin Bieber.

892
00:51:29,687 --> 00:51:30,820
No way.

893
00:51:32,290 --> 00:51:33,530
Hey, Derek.

894
00:51:33,858 --> 00:51:34,858
Hey, Sting.

895
00:51:36,094 --> 00:51:37,626
And hello, sweet Hansel.

896
00:51:38,529 --> 00:51:39,728
Hi.

897
00:51:40,565 --> 00:51:41,764
You two know each other?

898
00:51:42,667 --> 00:51:44,633
Sadly, we've never met.

899
00:51:44,635 --> 00:51:47,035
And yet I feel like
I've known you...

900
00:51:47,205 --> 00:51:49,171
BOTH: ...my entire life.

901
00:51:51,476 --> 00:51:52,556
STING: Tell me.

902
00:51:53,744 --> 00:51:56,345
Have you heard of
the Fountain of Youth?

903
00:51:56,347 --> 00:52:00,249
Yes. Why does everybody
keep asking me that?

904
00:52:00,251 --> 00:52:02,651
No, Derek, not the hand job
joint you worked at in SoHo.

905
00:52:02,653 --> 00:52:03,893
The real Fountain of Youth.

906
00:52:05,289 --> 00:52:08,858
It dates back
some 6,000 years.

907
00:52:08,860 --> 00:52:14,330
Its original location is thought
to have been the Garden of Eden.

908
00:52:14,332 --> 00:52:17,733
You mean the Turkish bathhouse
I used to work at in Tribeca?

909
00:52:19,770 --> 00:52:22,505
No, Derek.
The Garden of Eden.

910
00:52:24,742 --> 00:52:26,842
<i>The birthplace
of Adam and Eve</i>

911
00:52:28,279 --> 00:52:29,678
<i>and Steve.</i>

912
00:52:32,783 --> 00:52:34,583
Steve? Who's Steve?

913
00:52:36,287 --> 00:52:38,454
Steve is
the original supermodel.

914
00:52:38,456 --> 00:52:40,422
The first of the purebloods.

915
00:52:40,424 --> 00:52:42,291
He was said
to be so beautiful,

916
00:52:42,293 --> 00:52:44,460
with a look so powerful...

917
00:52:44,462 --> 00:52:46,629
<i>...that even the pools
of water he gazed upon</i>

918
00:52:46,631 --> 00:52:48,631
<i>could not reflect
his beauty back to him.</i>

919
00:52:49,834 --> 00:52:50,834
<i>That look...</i>

920
00:52:51,769 --> 00:52:54,737
That look was
called <i>"El Nino".</i>

921
00:52:56,607 --> 00:52:59,575
But, honestly,
I've never heard of Steve.

922
00:53:00,745 --> 00:53:02,711
Countless lives
throughout history

923
00:53:02,713 --> 00:53:03,712
have been lost
to make sure of that.

924
00:53:03,714 --> 00:53:08,551
Evil forces have hunted
his offspring for centuries.

925
00:53:10,254 --> 00:53:12,421
<i>For the legend states</i>

926
00:53:12,423 --> 00:53:15,291
<i>that if you wrench
the still-beating heart</i>

927
00:53:15,293 --> 00:53:18,260
<i>from the gorgeous body
of a true descendent of Steve</i>

928
00:53:18,262 --> 00:53:20,329
<i>and drink its blood,</i>

929
00:53:20,331 --> 00:53:23,299
<i>you will obtain
eternal beauty.</i>

930
00:53:25,336 --> 00:53:27,469
So the Fountain of Youth
is not a fountain at all.

931
00:53:28,439 --> 00:53:29,805
The Fountain of Youth is...

932
00:53:29,807 --> 00:53:31,207
A person.

933
00:53:31,209 --> 00:53:32,289
And not just anyone.

934
00:53:32,977 --> 00:53:34,677
A direct descendent of Steve.

935
00:53:35,379 --> 00:53:36,419
The Chosen One.

936
00:53:37,415 --> 00:53:39,582
How do you know all this?

937
00:53:39,584 --> 00:53:42,785
Because I, and many rock stars like me,
are his protectors.

938
00:53:44,422 --> 00:53:46,655
You see,
there are only a few genes

939
00:53:46,657 --> 00:53:50,559
that separate the greatest rock stars
in history from male models.

940
00:53:50,561 --> 00:53:52,828
Which genes are those?

941
00:53:52,830 --> 00:53:54,763
The ones for talent
and intelligence.

942
00:53:55,333 --> 00:53:57,333
Of course.

943
00:53:57,335 --> 00:53:59,335
We were entrusted
to protect the Chosen Ones.

944
00:54:00,538 --> 00:54:02,338
But who is the Chosen One?

945
00:54:02,340 --> 00:54:04,707
We believe it is your son.

946
00:54:06,344 --> 00:54:08,344
And that he is
in grave danger.

947
00:54:09,347 --> 00:54:11,113
But he's back at the school!

948
00:54:11,114 --> 00:54:12,880
We have to get to him before
something terrible happens to him!

949
00:54:12,883 --> 00:54:15,684
No. Wait.
Hansel. Look into my eyes.

950
00:54:17,588 --> 00:54:19,355
Is there anything
you want to ask me?

951
00:54:19,357 --> 00:54:20,623
Anything at all?

952
00:54:23,661 --> 00:54:25,861
Do you really have sex
for ten hours?

953
00:54:27,365 --> 00:54:28,597
(SIGHS)

954
00:54:28,599 --> 00:54:29,639
No comment.

955
00:54:30,468 --> 00:54:31,668
(WHISPERS) Fifteen.

956
00:54:34,372 --> 00:54:36,338
Farewell, my handsome boy.

957
00:54:36,340 --> 00:54:38,700
Farewell.
Good-bye, Sting.

958
00:54:42,413 --> 00:54:43,453
(SIRENS BLARING)

959
00:54:52,690 --> 00:54:54,010
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Bolt cutters!

960
00:55:04,669 --> 00:55:06,302
He's gone!

961
00:55:08,739 --> 00:55:10,819
HANSEL: It's like
no one was ever here.

962
00:55:12,977 --> 00:55:14,043
It was a wig.

963
00:55:14,045 --> 00:55:15,678
What?

964
00:55:15,680 --> 00:55:17,479
It was a wig
the whole time.

965
00:55:17,481 --> 00:55:19,081
That was a wig?

966
00:55:19,083 --> 00:55:21,717
That Headmaster
wasn't a good guy at all!

967
00:55:21,719 --> 00:55:22,719
No!

968
00:55:23,387 --> 00:55:26,422
No! No! No!

969
00:55:26,424 --> 00:55:27,723
Derek!

970
00:55:27,725 --> 00:55:29,058
Derek, relax!

971
00:55:32,730 --> 00:55:33,896
(HEAVY BREATHING)

972
00:55:35,533 --> 00:55:36,732
Don't do it.

973
00:55:37,802 --> 00:55:39,601
When you want to go to it.

974
00:55:42,573 --> 00:55:44,506
(SIREN WAILING)

975
00:55:46,644 --> 00:55:48,010
Filippo.
<i>Si.</i>

976
00:55:48,012 --> 00:55:49,812
I need you to pull up
everything you have

977
00:55:49,814 --> 00:55:51,947
on the man who was arrested
back in 2001

978
00:55:51,949 --> 00:55:53,649
for brainwashing Zoolander.

979
00:55:53,651 --> 00:55:55,818
Facial scans
to be cross-referenced

980
00:55:55,820 --> 00:55:58,380
with security footage of the
headmaster of the orphanage.

981
00:55:59,623 --> 00:56:00,863
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

982
00:56:01,425 --> 00:56:03,025
<i>It's a positive I.D.</i>

983
00:56:04,729 --> 00:56:07,029
<i>The Headmaster
didn't have a name or papers.</i>

984
00:56:07,031 --> 00:56:08,564
Oh, my God.

985
00:56:08,566 --> 00:56:10,966
It's the evil
breakdancing DJ.

986
00:56:10,968 --> 00:56:13,902
<i>He was arrested with Mugatu and
his accomplice back in 2001.</i>

987
00:56:15,139 --> 00:56:17,906
(GASPS) It's Katinka
Ingaborgovinananananana.

988
00:56:17,908 --> 00:56:20,242
Where are they now?

989
00:56:20,243 --> 00:56:22,577
<i>Ingaborgovinanananana
disappeared off the grid.</i>

990
00:56:22,580 --> 00:56:24,880
<i>It looks like the Evil DJ
came through the Swiss border</i>

991
00:56:24,882 --> 00:56:27,015
<i>with forged papers
about three weeks ago.</i>

992
00:56:28,119 --> 00:56:30,686
<i>I suppose they could have...</i>

993
00:56:30,688 --> 00:56:32,921
Driven to Rome
and kidnapped Derek's son.

994
00:56:33,157 --> 00:56:34,857
<i>Exactly!</i>

995
00:56:34,859 --> 00:56:37,393
Which means the person
behind all of this is...

996
00:56:46,737 --> 00:56:47,936
Who?

997
00:56:50,408 --> 00:56:51,540
Who?

998
00:56:52,476 --> 00:56:53,809
Who are we talking about?

999
00:57:06,824 --> 00:57:08,424
VALENTINA:
<i>Mugatu's in there.</i>

1000
00:57:09,527 --> 00:57:11,560
For ten years,
there has only been one name

1001
00:57:11,562 --> 00:57:13,695
on the list of visitors
that he will allow.

1002
00:57:16,534 --> 00:57:17,733
Thank you.

1003
00:57:19,136 --> 00:57:20,336
For what?

1004
00:57:20,738 --> 00:57:21,858
For helping us.

1005
00:57:26,177 --> 00:57:29,878
When I was a little girl
growing up in Albacete,

1006
00:57:29,880 --> 00:57:33,582
my room was covered in
pictures of Derek Zoolander.

1007
00:57:36,487 --> 00:57:39,188
The most amazing model alive.

1008
00:57:42,860 --> 00:57:44,793
Except I'm not one anymore.

1009
00:57:46,030 --> 00:57:47,990
My son called me
a has-been.

1010
00:57:50,100 --> 00:57:51,600
I'm a has-been.

1011
00:57:53,504 --> 00:57:55,504
What kind of has-been
were you?

1012
00:57:59,543 --> 00:58:02,177
I was a swimsuit model.

1013
00:58:02,179 --> 00:58:03,979
I'm so sorry.
My heart goes out to you.

1014
00:58:05,516 --> 00:58:09,251
I was never able to transition
to print or runway.

1015
00:58:10,521 --> 00:58:12,802
To your world
of high fashion.

1016
00:58:13,491 --> 00:58:14,756
Because of these.

1017
00:58:16,227 --> 00:58:20,095
These intrusive,
oversized naturals.

1018
00:58:20,831 --> 00:58:23,165
(SIGHS)

1019
00:58:23,167 --> 00:58:25,968
These things could never fit
into a sample size.

1020
00:58:27,137 --> 00:58:28,570
Gross.

1021
00:58:34,512 --> 00:58:36,044
(WHISPERING)
You need to go for this now...

1022
00:58:36,046 --> 00:58:38,514
Not later. Now.

1023
00:58:38,516 --> 00:58:40,082
Hansel, are you serious?
Yes.

1024
00:58:40,084 --> 00:58:42,684
While Matilda lies
warm in her grave?

1025
00:58:42,686 --> 00:58:45,621
Matilda's been dead for years.
You need to move on.

1026
00:58:45,623 --> 00:58:47,956
Honestly, by now
she's just a couple of teeth.

1027
00:58:47,958 --> 00:58:50,526
A piece of spine.

1028
00:58:50,527 --> 00:58:53,095
Maybe a little skull fragment,
like that guy from <i>Tales from the Crypt.</i>

1029
00:58:53,097 --> 00:58:54,963
The Crypt Keeper.
(GRUNTING)

1030
00:58:54,965 --> 00:58:57,566
Hansel, stop it!
I'm not ready.

1031
00:59:15,586 --> 00:59:18,587
VALENTINA: The world's most
notorious fashion criminals are in there.

1032
00:59:20,057 --> 00:59:24,126
Be careful, Derek.
He'll try to get inside your head.

1033
00:59:24,128 --> 00:59:27,262
Don't worry.
It's closed for business.

1034
00:59:35,105 --> 00:59:36,939
Give 'em hell, Derek.

1035
00:59:51,221 --> 00:59:53,722
(CACKLING)

1036
00:59:53,724 --> 00:59:55,090
MC HAMMER:
You're goin' down, Zoolander!

1037
00:59:55,092 --> 00:59:56,725
You're goin' down,
listen to me!

1038
00:59:56,727 --> 00:59:59,995
You better listen to the Hammer!
Can't touch this!

1039
00:59:59,997 --> 01:00:03,298
No! No! Zoolander
can't touch Mugatu! No!

1040
01:00:04,635 --> 01:00:06,395
SKIP TAYLOR:
Shut up, Hammer!

1041
01:00:07,104 --> 01:00:10,172
Members Only. Members Only.

1042
01:00:11,241 --> 01:00:13,609
Epaulettes are not a crime.

1043
01:00:14,244 --> 01:00:17,879
Smart casual. Smart casual.

1044
01:00:17,881 --> 01:00:19,815
MC HAMMER:
You can't touch him!

1045
01:00:19,817 --> 01:00:22,284
SKIP TAYLOR:
Mr. Hammer is wrong!

1046
01:00:47,011 --> 01:00:49,845
Derek Zoolander.

1047
01:00:52,683 --> 01:00:54,316
I've been expecting you.

1048
01:01:01,158 --> 01:01:02,998
What have you done
with my son?

1049
01:01:04,094 --> 01:01:06,128
Hands.

1050
01:01:06,130 --> 01:01:08,263
Our most
overrated appendage.

1051
01:01:09,967 --> 01:01:12,267
When not allowed
the use of them,

1052
01:01:12,269 --> 01:01:14,136
you'd be surprised how quickly

1053
01:01:14,138 --> 01:01:16,218
feet can be trained to do
the exact same thing.

1054
01:01:17,875 --> 01:01:19,107
(CLATTERING)

1055
01:01:25,916 --> 01:01:28,350
Your son
is doing wonderfully.

1056
01:01:30,120 --> 01:01:33,388
From what the school tells
my offshore accountant...

1057
01:01:33,390 --> 01:01:35,090
He's incredibly smart.

1058
01:01:35,793 --> 01:01:37,959
Your accountant?

1059
01:01:37,961 --> 01:01:40,729
Who do you think paid
for that fancy orphanage?

1060
01:01:40,731 --> 01:01:42,548
When he was taken away
from you,

1061
01:01:42,549 --> 01:01:44,949
someone had to make sure
he got his eight square meals a day.

1062
01:01:45,069 --> 01:01:47,436
Eight? You bastard!

1063
01:01:52,876 --> 01:01:56,144
I'm sorry. I'd love
to keep talking about this,

1064
01:01:56,146 --> 01:01:58,180
but I seem to have developed
a nasty itch.

1065
01:02:00,851 --> 01:02:02,818
I'd ask you
to scratch it for me,

1066
01:02:02,820 --> 01:02:05,420
but no doubt you'd think I
was just trying to trick you.

1067
01:02:10,427 --> 01:02:14,429
Or you're trying to make me
think I shouldn't help you.

1068
01:02:14,431 --> 01:02:19,401
In which case, I should do the opposite
of that and help you.

1069
01:02:20,471 --> 01:02:22,904
Or don't help me.

1070
01:02:22,906 --> 01:02:24,786
I think that's even
a better option.

1071
01:02:28,345 --> 01:02:31,305
You're trying to switch it around on me,
but I won't take the bait.

1072
01:02:31,482 --> 01:02:33,348
Sorry, Mugatu.

1073
01:02:33,350 --> 01:02:34,950
I'm going with
my first instinct.

1074
01:02:34,952 --> 01:02:36,017
And helping you.

1075
01:02:40,190 --> 01:02:41,990
I really wish you wouldn't.

1076
01:02:41,992 --> 01:02:44,960
Too late. The die is cast.

1077
01:02:44,962 --> 01:02:46,261
I'd prefer that you didn't.

1078
01:02:46,263 --> 01:02:47,429
I'm going to do it.

1079
01:02:47,431 --> 01:02:48,530
Please don't.

1080
01:02:50,534 --> 01:02:51,534
(SCREAMING)

1081
01:02:53,537 --> 01:02:55,270
(BOTH SCREAMING)

1082
01:02:57,307 --> 01:02:59,775
Let me go!

1083
01:02:59,777 --> 01:03:03,011
Not until you untie my straitjacket
and put it on, okay?

1084
01:03:04,414 --> 01:03:06,281
If I do,
will you let me go?

1085
01:03:07,151 --> 01:03:08,416
No!

1086
01:03:09,953 --> 01:03:11,953
Which means you
will let me go.

1087
01:03:11,955 --> 01:03:13,188
So I'll do it.

1088
01:03:13,957 --> 01:03:15,190
Oh, my gosh.

1089
01:03:15,192 --> 01:03:16,258
Okay!

1090
01:03:18,128 --> 01:03:20,929
Check and mate, Mugatu.

1091
01:03:22,032 --> 01:03:23,331
Your move.

1092
01:03:26,003 --> 01:03:28,837
You really are an idiot,
aren't you?

1093
01:03:28,839 --> 01:03:33,809
Like, super, super white hot,
blazingly stupid.

1094
01:03:36,013 --> 01:03:39,381
For ten long years...

1095
01:03:39,383 --> 01:03:43,518
I've been plotting my escape
from this dreadful place.

1096
01:03:43,520 --> 01:03:47,189
<i>For ten long years.
For ten long years.</i>

1097
01:03:47,191 --> 01:03:51,159
Ten years spent creating some of the
most realistic and lifelike masks...

1098
01:03:51,995 --> 01:03:53,128
<i>...ever made.</i>

1099
01:03:55,098 --> 01:03:56,338
One for you.

1100
01:03:59,570 --> 01:04:01,303
And one for me.

1101
01:04:04,308 --> 01:04:05,348
All so that today...

1102
01:04:06,476 --> 01:04:08,610
...you can become me!

1103
01:04:11,315 --> 01:04:13,048
And I can become...

1104
01:04:14,284 --> 01:04:15,383
...you!

1105
01:04:21,525 --> 01:04:23,592
That's it?

1106
01:04:23,594 --> 01:04:25,954
You'll never get
away with this.

1107
01:04:27,898 --> 01:04:30,398
MUGATU: All of the guards here
are former male models.

1108
01:04:30,400 --> 01:04:32,868
Somehow I don't think
it's gonna be a problem.

1109
01:04:32,870 --> 01:04:36,004
Guard! Guard!

1110
01:04:36,006 --> 01:04:37,873
GUARD: Will that be all,
Mr. Zoolander?

1111
01:04:37,875 --> 01:04:39,140
That will be all.

1112
01:04:39,977 --> 01:04:41,217
DEREK: No!

1113
01:04:41,612 --> 01:04:42,944
DEREK: No!

1114
01:04:44,348 --> 01:04:46,248
Come back here, Mugatu!

1115
01:04:46,250 --> 01:04:47,549
Mugatu!

1116
01:05:17,080 --> 01:05:18,380
(HELICOPTER BLADE WHIRRING)

1117
01:05:28,425 --> 01:05:29,457
Go get Derek!

1118
01:05:29,459 --> 01:05:30,592
What?

1119
01:05:30,594 --> 01:05:32,260
Go get Derek!

1120
01:05:32,262 --> 01:05:34,195
And tell my orgy
I love them!

1121
01:05:40,103 --> 01:05:41,103
Todd!

1122
01:05:43,540 --> 01:05:46,007
Where's my goddamn latte?

1123
01:05:53,283 --> 01:05:54,616
(SCREAMING)

1124
01:05:55,953 --> 01:05:57,485
(WHIMPERING)

1125
01:06:11,201 --> 01:06:14,069
Oh, and, um, here.

1126
01:06:16,540 --> 01:06:17,540
(SIGHS)

1127
01:06:18,542 --> 01:06:19,641
(SNARLING)

1128
01:06:19,643 --> 01:06:21,276
What's that?

1129
01:06:21,278 --> 01:06:23,378
I missed you, too.
(TODD WHIMPERS)

1130
01:07:05,155 --> 01:07:06,588
Alexanya!

1131
01:07:08,525 --> 01:07:09,691
Moo-Moo!

1132
01:07:14,031 --> 01:07:16,231
(BOTH GASPING)

1133
01:07:19,503 --> 01:07:21,236
(MOANING)

1134
01:07:24,508 --> 01:07:27,308
(BOTH SCREAMING)

1135
01:07:37,754 --> 01:07:38,620
ATARI: Alexanya!

1136
01:07:38,621 --> 01:07:39,487
Oh, no.
Hey, sorry to interrupt.

1137
01:07:39,489 --> 01:07:40,555
What? (GIGGLES)

1138
01:07:41,625 --> 01:07:43,758
Don Atari,
what are you doing here?

1139
01:07:43,760 --> 01:07:44,793
Don't you knuck?

1140
01:07:45,629 --> 01:07:49,631
Mugatu? What? No way, dude.

1141
01:07:49,633 --> 01:07:52,133
I thought you were
supposed to be in jail, dude.

1142
01:07:52,135 --> 01:07:54,235
You're like some
dangerous criminal

1143
01:07:54,237 --> 01:07:55,470
that tried to assassinate
a world leader, dude.

1144
01:07:55,472 --> 01:07:58,339
That was some crazy
retro-Bond shit.

1145
01:07:58,341 --> 01:08:00,075
So corny. I loved it.

1146
01:08:01,545 --> 01:08:03,678
Who are you?

1147
01:08:03,680 --> 01:08:07,615
Uh, hello! I know you been
all Shawshanked out,

1148
01:08:07,617 --> 01:08:10,085
but, like, seriously, I'm the new
stupid king of fashion, whatever.

1149
01:08:10,087 --> 01:08:11,319
Don Atari, baby.

1150
01:08:11,788 --> 01:08:14,155
What!

1151
01:08:14,157 --> 01:08:16,438
So you know
who I am, right?

1152
01:08:17,394 --> 01:08:19,461
Derelicte was the dumbest,
dude.

1153
01:08:19,463 --> 01:08:23,231
You and SpongeBob are, honestly, like,
my biggest influences ever, dude.

1154
01:08:23,233 --> 01:08:24,866
And did you just
escape from prison

1155
01:08:24,868 --> 01:08:26,868
in the most
ingenious way possible?

1156
01:08:27,838 --> 01:08:29,838
Uh, what?

1157
01:08:29,840 --> 01:08:31,739
And did you engineer
the abduction

1158
01:08:31,741 --> 01:08:34,142
and fattening of
the son of Zoolander,

1159
01:08:34,144 --> 01:08:36,878
and delivery of the Chosen
One for ritual sacrifice

1160
01:08:36,880 --> 01:08:39,000
as the key to
the Fountain of Youth?

1161
01:08:39,249 --> 01:08:40,449
Did you?

1162
01:08:41,585 --> 01:08:43,384
Did you? Did you do that?

1163
01:08:43,386 --> 01:08:44,706
Naw.
Naw?

1164
01:08:45,122 --> 01:08:46,521
Naw.

1165
01:08:46,523 --> 01:08:47,889
Naw?
Naw.

1166
01:08:47,891 --> 01:08:49,357
Did you say "naw"?

1167
01:08:49,359 --> 01:08:52,127
I... I said... "naw".

1168
01:08:53,196 --> 01:08:55,797
So, I just want
to ask you again.

1169
01:08:56,500 --> 01:09:00,301
Do you know

1170
01:09:00,904 --> 01:09:04,539
who I am?

1171
01:09:06,443 --> 01:09:07,542
Whatever, you're...

1172
01:09:08,678 --> 01:09:09,911
(STUTTERING)

1173
01:09:09,913 --> 01:09:11,479
I'm Jaca-boo-who?

1174
01:09:12,149 --> 01:09:13,515
Jacobim Mugatu.

1175
01:09:13,517 --> 01:09:14,716
That's right!

1176
01:09:14,718 --> 01:09:16,451
I'm Jacobim Mugatu!

1177
01:09:16,453 --> 01:09:18,253
Fashion genius.

1178
01:09:18,255 --> 01:09:19,487
And you...

1179
01:09:20,157 --> 01:09:22,290
You are no one!

1180
01:09:22,292 --> 01:09:23,532
Do you understand me?

1181
01:09:24,327 --> 01:09:25,527
No one!

1182
01:09:26,263 --> 01:09:27,896
I'm the Mamba Bajamba!

1183
01:09:28,932 --> 01:09:30,899
I'm the Mamba Bajamba!

1184
01:09:32,235 --> 01:09:33,334
Todd!

1185
01:09:37,941 --> 01:09:40,875
You'll take my name
into death!

1186
01:09:40,877 --> 01:09:42,277
You should know, I actually
care about everybody

1187
01:09:42,279 --> 01:09:43,444
and everything very truly...

1188
01:09:43,446 --> 01:09:45,613
(GRUNTS)
(THUDS)

1189
01:09:45,615 --> 01:09:48,216
That's right!
I just killed a little hipster!

1190
01:09:48,418 --> 01:09:49,817
Yeah!

1191
01:09:49,819 --> 01:09:52,420
Prison changed me deeply!

1192
01:09:52,422 --> 01:09:54,289
It affected me
psychologically.

1193
01:09:54,291 --> 01:09:55,790
I'm a psycho!

1194
01:09:57,294 --> 01:09:59,694
This is just the beginning.
Watch out!

1195
01:10:00,330 --> 01:10:02,931
Buyer beware!

1196
01:10:02,933 --> 01:10:04,933
Now where is that
chubby little blood fountain?

1197
01:10:05,936 --> 01:10:07,569
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

1198
01:10:07,971 --> 01:10:09,737
Hansel!

1199
01:10:09,739 --> 01:10:11,706
(WHISPERING) Guys, Mugatz
just killed Atari.

1200
01:10:11,708 --> 01:10:13,541
DEREK: <i>For serious?</i>

1201
01:10:13,543 --> 01:10:15,543
Also, they're going
to kill your son tonight.

1202
01:10:15,612 --> 01:10:17,478
What?

1203
01:10:17,480 --> 01:10:19,647
Hang on. I'm gonna try
and get more intel.

1204
01:10:20,717 --> 01:10:21,749
(INHALES DEEPLY)

1205
01:10:29,359 --> 01:10:30,625
What's going on?

1206
01:10:30,627 --> 01:10:31,960
Why did you kidnap me?

1207
01:10:31,962 --> 01:10:35,563
I didn't kidnap you.
Don't be a silly-billy.

1208
01:10:35,565 --> 01:10:39,000
I'm just a fun, non-threatening clown,
that's what I am.

1209
01:10:40,637 --> 01:10:42,904
Who wants to massively
increase your caloric intake.

1210
01:10:43,440 --> 01:10:44,440
Look.

1211
01:10:44,808 --> 01:10:46,441
Come here.

1212
01:10:46,443 --> 01:10:48,509
There's an all-you-can-eat
pasta bar.

1213
01:10:50,714 --> 01:10:51,713
(DISPENSING)

1214
01:10:51,714 --> 01:10:52,714
(CHUCKLES)
<i>Abbondanza!</i>

1215
01:10:53,583 --> 01:10:57,318
Spicy hot <i>pasta puttanesca.</i>

1216
01:10:57,320 --> 01:10:59,487
Which means
"whore's pasta"!

1217
01:10:59,489 --> 01:11:02,357
As in a whore,
who made this pasta.

1218
01:11:04,494 --> 01:11:06,527
Doesn't that look delicious?

1219
01:11:06,529 --> 01:11:09,964
Next, an all-you-can-eat
lard bar.

1220
01:11:11,701 --> 01:11:13,401
Squirt, piggy, squirt!
(OINKING)

1221
01:11:13,403 --> 01:11:14,969
Squirt it! Squirt!

1222
01:11:16,006 --> 01:11:17,972
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

1223
01:11:22,312 --> 01:11:24,512
All the lard you want!

1224
01:11:24,514 --> 01:11:26,874
Fill your little
tummy full of lard!

1225
01:11:27,017 --> 01:11:28,383
Hansel, where is he now?

1226
01:11:28,385 --> 01:11:29,784
<i>He's okay.</i>

1227
01:11:29,786 --> 01:11:31,452
It's actually kind of nice.

1228
01:11:31,454 --> 01:11:33,671
Mugatu's hooked him up
with some snacks.

1229
01:11:33,672 --> 01:11:35,889
He's got like a lard bar
and some cheesecake and stuff.

1230
01:11:35,892 --> 01:11:36,972
<i>Oh, and pasta, too.</i>

1231
01:11:37,294 --> 01:11:39,394
No!

1232
01:11:39,396 --> 01:11:42,530
Oh, no. You're right.
He's fattening him for the slaughter.

1233
01:11:42,532 --> 01:11:44,632
You can drop
this stupid act.

1234
01:11:44,634 --> 01:11:47,869
I know who you are.
You're Jacob Moogberg.

1235
01:11:47,871 --> 01:11:50,471
And you're supposed
to be in jail.

1236
01:11:50,473 --> 01:11:54,542
Hey! Jacob Moogberg died
the day I put ebony and ivory

1237
01:11:54,544 --> 01:11:55,777
on skinny satin neckwear!

1238
01:11:55,779 --> 01:11:57,745
You hear me?

1239
01:11:57,747 --> 01:11:59,914
Okay. I got to make my move.
Later.

1240
01:11:59,916 --> 01:12:02,517
You listen to me,
Biggie Smalls.

1241
01:12:02,519 --> 01:12:04,519
I went to prison!

1242
01:12:04,521 --> 01:12:06,988
You better scarf down that
last bowl of whore pasta!

1243
01:12:06,990 --> 01:12:08,110
We roll in two!

1244
01:12:19,369 --> 01:12:21,369
You okay in there,
little fella?

1245
01:12:21,371 --> 01:12:22,770
We should call
the police boat!

1246
01:12:22,772 --> 01:12:24,972
They'll never get here
in time.

1247
01:12:24,974 --> 01:12:27,842
Who says swimsuit models
are useless?

1248
01:12:27,844 --> 01:12:28,964
Wait. What are you doing?

1249
01:12:29,646 --> 01:12:31,079
(INHALES IN SUCCESSION)

1250
01:12:31,081 --> 01:12:33,047
How long can you
hold your breath?

1251
01:12:33,049 --> 01:12:34,582
What?

1252
01:12:34,584 --> 01:12:35,483
Take me from behind, Derek.

1253
01:12:35,485 --> 01:12:38,386
And grab me like your life
depends on it.

1254
01:12:39,622 --> 01:12:41,022
Not like this.

1255
01:12:41,024 --> 01:12:42,724
Like this!

1256
01:12:42,726 --> 01:12:44,926
For safety. And buoyancy.

1257
01:12:44,928 --> 01:12:46,494
Wait. What?

1258
01:12:46,496 --> 01:12:48,062
We are swimming back
to Rome.

1259
01:12:48,064 --> 01:12:49,464
Oh, okay.

1260
01:12:50,400 --> 01:12:51,566
(VALENTINA GASPS)

1261
01:12:54,838 --> 01:12:56,671
I just talked to your dad.

1262
01:12:56,673 --> 01:12:58,806
And we've got to get you
out of here pronto.

1263
01:12:58,808 --> 01:13:01,075
I never want
to see him again.

1264
01:13:01,077 --> 01:13:03,010
What're you talking about?
Your dad's a great guy.

1265
01:13:03,012 --> 01:13:04,746
He loves you
like you're his own.

1266
01:13:04,748 --> 01:13:06,681
I am his own!

1267
01:13:06,683 --> 01:13:09,550
He's literally
the worst father ever!

1268
01:13:09,552 --> 01:13:11,419
Do you know it would break
your mom's heart

1269
01:13:11,421 --> 01:13:13,301
to hear you bugging out
on your dad like this?

1270
01:13:14,057 --> 01:13:16,657
You knew my mom?

1271
01:13:16,659 --> 01:13:19,660
Oh, yeah. One of the most
amazing women I ever met.

1272
01:13:20,430 --> 01:13:22,163
Really?

1273
01:13:22,165 --> 01:13:24,799
You didn't want to
cross her in the sack.

1274
01:13:24,801 --> 01:13:27,568
Those hips of hers would put a
love lock on you to beat the band.

1275
01:13:29,105 --> 01:13:30,905
Wait, what?

1276
01:13:30,907 --> 01:13:33,007
I remember there
was one night,

1277
01:13:33,009 --> 01:13:36,944
she had me and your dad
absolutely twisted in knots.

1278
01:13:36,946 --> 01:13:38,579
I was driving
the freight train,

1279
01:13:38,581 --> 01:13:40,301
your dad's tearing tickets
in the caboose.

1280
01:13:40,683 --> 01:13:42,049
Oh...

1281
01:13:42,051 --> 01:13:44,585
She had a mouth
like Chinese fingercuffs.

1282
01:13:44,587 --> 01:13:47,855
You know where you, like, try to pull it
out but it just keeps getting tighter...

1283
01:13:47,857 --> 01:13:50,158
Stop it! God.

1284
01:13:50,160 --> 01:13:52,460
Look... I'm not going.

1285
01:13:52,462 --> 01:13:55,163
Well, Mugatu's planning
to crack your chest open,

1286
01:13:55,165 --> 01:13:57,165
cut your heart out with a knife,
and drink your blood!

1287
01:13:57,167 --> 01:13:58,733
What?

1288
01:13:58,735 --> 01:14:00,455
Here he comes.
Everything's gonna be okay.

1289
01:14:01,805 --> 01:14:03,438
It's okay, it's okay.

1290
01:14:03,440 --> 01:14:04,839
(STUTTERS)
I was exaggerating.

1291
01:14:12,849 --> 01:14:14,749
It's D-Day, little dumpling.

1292
01:14:18,922 --> 01:14:20,488
(WHIRRING)

1293
01:14:23,860 --> 01:14:25,126
(BOTH GRUNTING)

1294
01:14:25,128 --> 01:14:26,961
(BOTH COUGHING)

1295
01:14:26,963 --> 01:14:29,096
(GASPS AND SWALLOWS)
(COUGHS)

1296
01:14:29,098 --> 01:14:30,738
You're an amazing swimmer.
(PANTING)

1297
01:14:34,771 --> 01:14:36,938
(MUFFLED)
Why are you doing this?

1298
01:14:36,940 --> 01:14:39,380
Don't talk with
your mouth full.

1299
01:14:42,645 --> 01:14:44,145
(PEOPLE CHEERING)

1300
01:15:21,651 --> 01:15:24,118
(SPEAKING SPANISH)

1301
01:15:24,120 --> 01:15:25,786
It's soaking wet!
It's ruined!

1302
01:15:25,788 --> 01:15:26,787
How are we gonna
reach Hansel?

1303
01:15:26,789 --> 01:15:27,822
We need a phone.

1304
01:15:27,824 --> 01:15:28,856
Wait a minute.

1305
01:15:31,127 --> 01:15:32,593
(GRUNTS AND PANTS)

1306
01:15:33,029 --> 01:15:34,529
Like this one?

1307
01:15:36,533 --> 01:15:37,773
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

1308
01:15:42,772 --> 01:15:43,971
(WHISPERS) Derek.

1309
01:15:43,973 --> 01:15:45,206
Hansel, where are you?

1310
01:15:45,208 --> 01:15:47,075
I don't know.
Some kind of tunnel.

1311
01:15:47,076 --> 01:15:48,943
<i>I think we're underneath
the IncrediBall.</i>

1312
01:15:48,945 --> 01:15:50,912
<i>It smells like the ruins
of an ancient bathhouse.</i>

1313
01:15:50,914 --> 01:15:52,847
It's at the Caracalla Baths.

1314
01:15:52,849 --> 01:15:54,015
I'll drop a pin
or a needle or whatever

1315
01:15:54,017 --> 01:15:54,882
and you can track
my coordinates.

1316
01:15:55,251 --> 01:15:56,817
Cool.

1317
01:15:56,819 --> 01:15:59,100
They'll never let us in
looking like this.

1318
01:16:03,826 --> 01:16:05,660
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

1319
01:16:05,662 --> 01:16:08,095
Interpol Fashion Division!

1320
01:16:08,097 --> 01:16:10,131
We need your vehicle
and your clothes. Now!

1321
01:16:22,345 --> 01:16:24,705
(PEOPLE TALKING AND
LAUGHING INDISTINCTLY)

1322
01:16:26,082 --> 01:16:27,882
(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)

1323
01:16:42,298 --> 01:16:45,099
Why is Anna Wintour walking
away from the red carpet?

1324
01:17:03,019 --> 01:17:05,019
(WHISPERING)
We have to get in there.

1325
01:17:06,189 --> 01:17:09,624
Every bathhouse I've ever worked
at always had a rear entrance.

1326
01:17:09,626 --> 01:17:11,346
I'm sure this one's no different.
Come on.

1327
01:17:19,235 --> 01:17:20,475
This is definitely it.

1328
01:17:21,704 --> 01:17:23,104
If I feel around here
long enough,

1329
01:17:23,106 --> 01:17:25,039
I should be able
to find the hole...

1330
01:17:25,375 --> 01:17:26,741
(GRINDING)

1331
01:17:34,417 --> 01:17:35,657
(PANTING)
(CLATTERS)

1332
01:17:36,753 --> 01:17:37,852
Derek!

1333
01:17:38,788 --> 01:17:39,854
Hansel!

1334
01:17:41,324 --> 01:17:43,290
Boy, am I glad
to see you guys.

1335
01:17:43,292 --> 01:17:46,260
Hansel, my son is going
to die hating me.

1336
01:17:46,262 --> 01:17:48,162
Hating you?
The last time I saw him,

1337
01:17:48,164 --> 01:17:49,664
he couldn't stop talking about
how much he loves you.

1338
01:17:49,666 --> 01:17:50,765
Really?
Yes.

1339
01:17:50,767 --> 01:17:52,099
He said that?

1340
01:17:52,101 --> 01:17:53,968
Yes. I mean,
I'm kind of paraphrasing,

1341
01:17:53,970 --> 01:17:55,202
and you had to read
between the lines,

1342
01:17:55,204 --> 01:17:57,138
but, basically.

1343
01:17:57,140 --> 01:17:59,140
Shut up!
Can we talk about this later?

1344
01:17:59,142 --> 01:18:00,408
HANSEL: Yeah, come on.
Let's go!

1345
01:18:00,410 --> 01:18:01,650
This way.

1346
01:18:24,400 --> 01:18:25,966
(WHISPERING)
That's Alexander Wang.

1347
01:18:25,968 --> 01:18:27,401
And Vera Wang.

1348
01:18:28,137 --> 01:18:29,704
BOTH: Both Wangs.

1349
01:18:31,708 --> 01:18:33,074
DEREK: Marc Jacobs.

1350
01:18:33,810 --> 01:18:36,143
Tommy Hilfiger.

1351
01:18:36,145 --> 01:18:38,785
VALENTINA: They are all here
for the sacrifice.

1352
01:18:40,717 --> 01:18:41,816
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

1353
01:18:55,198 --> 01:18:57,965
MUGATU:
In the beginning of time,

1354
01:18:57,967 --> 01:19:02,169
God created Adam and Eve...

1355
01:19:02,171 --> 01:19:04,338
...and Steve!

1356
01:19:05,508 --> 01:19:07,074
ALL: (CHANTING) Mugatu!

1357
01:19:07,477 --> 01:19:09,176
Mugatu!

1358
01:19:09,912 --> 01:19:11,412
Mugatu!

1359
01:19:11,848 --> 01:19:13,314
Mugatu!

1360
01:19:13,916 --> 01:19:15,416
Mugatu!

1361
01:19:15,418 --> 01:19:17,418
(CLANGING)
(CHANTING CONTINUES)

1362
01:19:28,364 --> 01:19:30,197
(WHIMPERS)
(ALL CHEERING)

1363
01:19:31,234 --> 01:19:33,033
D.J.
Wait.

1364
01:19:33,035 --> 01:19:34,275
We don't have backup yet.

1365
01:19:38,307 --> 01:19:41,375
Jacobeem Mugowto has deliver us...
(DEREK JR WHIMPERS)

1366
01:19:41,377 --> 01:19:42,617
...the Choosen Why-yun.

1367
01:19:43,179 --> 01:19:44,478
(ALL CHEERING)

1368
01:19:45,882 --> 01:19:48,282
And behold,

1369
01:19:48,284 --> 01:19:50,451
God expunged Steve
from the Garden,

1370
01:19:50,453 --> 01:19:52,486
only to redeem us
with eternal youth...

1371
01:19:52,488 --> 01:19:54,221
No.

1372
01:19:54,223 --> 01:19:56,891
...bathed in the blood
of the fat little Chosen One!

1373
01:19:57,226 --> 01:19:58,826
(SCREAMS)

1374
01:19:58,828 --> 01:19:59,927
Derek!
Derek, don't.

1375
01:19:59,929 --> 01:20:00,929
No!

1376
01:20:01,564 --> 01:20:03,397
(GASPS)
(DEREK GRUNTS)

1377
01:20:03,399 --> 01:20:05,065
(SCREAMS AND GROANS)

1378
01:20:08,437 --> 01:20:10,171
I don't care if you're fat anymore,
Derek Jr.

1379
01:20:10,173 --> 01:20:11,972
I love you.

1380
01:20:11,974 --> 01:20:14,241
Look, I have made
a lot of mistakes in my life,

1381
01:20:14,243 --> 01:20:15,943
but you are by far
the best one.

1382
01:20:15,945 --> 01:20:17,278
I was a mistake?

1383
01:20:17,280 --> 01:20:19,097
I think so.

1384
01:20:19,098 --> 01:20:20,915
To tell you the truth, we were having
so much sex, I can't remember.

1385
01:20:20,917 --> 01:20:22,349
Tell me about it, <i>muchacho.</i>

1386
01:20:22,485 --> 01:20:24,418
Ugh!

1387
01:20:24,420 --> 01:20:27,454
You're beautiful. You have the fire.
You just need to believe it.

1388
01:20:27,456 --> 01:20:28,589
The fire?

1389
01:20:28,591 --> 01:20:30,925
The fire in your face.

1390
01:20:30,927 --> 01:20:33,828
I lost it the day
I killed your mom.

1391
01:20:33,830 --> 01:20:37,431
Oh, look. It's a sad,
scared little boy

1392
01:20:37,433 --> 01:20:40,367
talking to his fat son
about their feelings.

1393
01:20:41,838 --> 01:20:44,171
You are responsible
for all this!

1394
01:20:44,173 --> 01:20:46,507
You lured me to Italy so you
could escape from prison.

1395
01:20:46,509 --> 01:20:48,749
You made Don Atari and Alexanya
hire me to set this trap.

1396
01:20:49,312 --> 01:20:50,552
But enough is enough!

1397
01:20:51,047 --> 01:20:52,546
Enough is enough!

1398
01:20:52,548 --> 01:20:55,049
Eat my blade, Junior!

1399
01:20:55,051 --> 01:20:57,017
Time to die,
Chubby Checker!

1400
01:21:01,224 --> 01:21:02,389
Magnum, buddy. Now.

1401
01:21:04,393 --> 01:21:05,860
I can do this.

1402
01:21:14,270 --> 01:21:15,636
(SCREAMS)

1403
01:21:17,940 --> 01:21:18,940
Oh.

1404
01:21:20,243 --> 01:21:22,276
That did not work at all.

1405
01:21:22,645 --> 01:21:24,311
(GROANS)

1406
01:21:24,313 --> 01:21:27,081
It just doesn't hold up,
does it?

1407
01:21:27,083 --> 01:21:29,316
You sleuthed
the whole thing out, Derek,

1408
01:21:29,318 --> 01:21:32,519
but failed to de-sleuth the most
important piece of the puzzle.

1409
01:21:32,521 --> 01:21:34,622
I owned
the construction company

1410
01:21:34,624 --> 01:21:37,904
that built the Center for Kids
Who Can't Read Good.

1411
01:21:38,961 --> 01:21:40,961
<i>I personally made
sure they cut corners.</i>

1412
01:21:40,963 --> 01:21:42,029
Literally!

1413
01:21:42,431 --> 01:21:43,898
(GROANS)

1414
01:21:43,900 --> 01:21:46,000
But that means that...

1415
01:21:46,001 --> 01:21:49,121
That's right, JuJu Bean.
That's <i>How I Killed Your Mother!</i>

1416
01:21:49,338 --> 01:21:52,339
On CBS, right after
<i>Two Broke Girls.</i>

1417
01:21:53,276 --> 01:21:54,975
Dad, it wasn't you!

1418
01:21:54,977 --> 01:21:56,343
It wasn't...

1419
01:21:56,345 --> 01:21:59,046
Wait. You called me "Dad".

1420
01:21:59,649 --> 01:22:01,181
Oh, I guess I did.

1421
01:22:02,285 --> 01:22:04,318
Now you don't have
the ceremonial knife!

1422
01:22:04,320 --> 01:22:06,487
Which means,
no Fountain of Youth!

1423
01:22:07,490 --> 01:22:10,291
Come on, Derek!
We need the blood!

1424
01:22:10,293 --> 01:22:12,359
Stop being so emotional,
Derek.

1425
01:22:12,361 --> 01:22:14,395
Just give him
the goddamn knife.

1426
01:22:14,397 --> 01:22:16,363
Derek, we need the blood!

1427
01:22:16,365 --> 01:22:19,133
(CHANTING) Blood of Steve!
Blood of Steve!

1428
01:22:19,135 --> 01:22:22,670
ALL: Blood of Steve!
Blood of Steve!

1429
01:22:22,672 --> 01:22:25,572
Blood of Steve!
Give him back the knife, Derek.

1430
01:22:25,574 --> 01:22:27,614
ALL: Blood of Steve!
Blood of Steve!

1431
01:22:28,044 --> 01:22:29,343
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

1432
01:22:30,246 --> 01:22:32,212
Shut up, Valentino!

1433
01:22:33,449 --> 01:22:36,083
Just shut up!
Everyone shut up!

1434
01:22:36,085 --> 01:22:38,285
There is no
Fountain of Youth!

1435
01:22:39,021 --> 01:22:40,021
What?

1436
01:22:40,656 --> 01:22:44,725
I mean,
Adam and Eve and Steve?

1437
01:22:44,727 --> 01:22:46,994
Are you serious?
You actually believed that crap?

1438
01:22:47,463 --> 01:22:49,463
What?

1439
01:22:49,465 --> 01:22:53,968
It's literally the stupidest thing
I've ever heard!

1440
01:22:53,970 --> 01:22:57,304
I get it if Alexander Wang believes it,
but the rest of you, come on!

1441
01:22:57,306 --> 01:22:59,173
Oh, please.

1442
01:22:59,175 --> 01:23:02,276
Without me, you'd still
be cutting patterns at Men's Wearhouse.

1443
01:23:02,278 --> 01:23:04,998
Oh, look, it's the White Witch
from Narnia!

1444
01:23:06,282 --> 01:23:08,582
Oh, no, I'm sorry
it's just Anna Wintour.

1445
01:23:08,584 --> 01:23:10,150
I'll knock your teeth out!

1446
01:23:10,152 --> 01:23:12,753
I'll rip your
goddamn tongue out!

1447
01:23:12,755 --> 01:23:15,022
Check out the new
spring collection from Hilfiger.

1448
01:23:15,024 --> 01:23:17,191
Brought to you
by white privilege!

1449
01:23:17,193 --> 01:23:19,293
You couldn't make a down jacket
to save your life!

1450
01:23:19,628 --> 01:23:21,495
Asshole.

1451
01:23:21,497 --> 01:23:22,696
MARC JACOBS:
I don't understand.

1452
01:23:22,698 --> 01:23:24,198
You're saying
the legend isn't true?

1453
01:23:24,200 --> 01:23:26,633
Why are you doing
all of this, then?

1454
01:23:26,635 --> 01:23:29,136
Because Marc,
by Marc Jacobs...

1455
01:23:30,639 --> 01:23:33,507
...I knew there'd only be
one thing that would gather

1456
01:23:33,509 --> 01:23:38,479
the entire idiotic fashion world
into one place with no exit!

1457
01:23:38,481 --> 01:23:39,646
Todd! Doors!

1458
01:23:41,083 --> 01:23:42,750
(WHIRRING AND CLANGING)

1459
01:23:44,754 --> 01:23:46,320
Todd! Silks!

1460
01:23:46,322 --> 01:23:47,442
(WHIRRS)

1461
01:23:49,692 --> 01:23:50,657
Huh?

1462
01:23:50,659 --> 01:23:56,196
For years you all left me
to die in a stinking cell!

1463
01:23:56,198 --> 01:23:58,432
Well, now it's my turn!

1464
01:24:02,605 --> 01:24:04,805
I was living a peaceful
life of reclusion.

1465
01:24:05,174 --> 01:24:06,440
Why drag me into this?

1466
01:24:06,742 --> 01:24:08,275
(GRUNTS)

1467
01:24:08,277 --> 01:24:10,411
Because my big issue is...

1468
01:24:10,413 --> 01:24:13,247
...I hate you,
Derek Zoolander!

1469
01:24:15,217 --> 01:24:17,117
Then why kill all
those pop stars?

1470
01:24:17,119 --> 01:24:18,452
Why kill Justin Bieber?

1471
01:24:19,789 --> 01:24:22,823
Really? You're asking me
why I killed Justin Bieber?

1472
01:24:27,296 --> 01:24:28,462
Todd! Pooch!

1473
01:24:33,202 --> 01:24:34,202
(WHIRRING)

1474
01:24:35,838 --> 01:24:37,538
It's a bomb!

1475
01:24:37,540 --> 01:24:39,506
MUGATU: Not just any bomb.

1476
01:24:39,508 --> 01:24:42,676
A device,
designed by Philippe Starck

1477
01:24:42,678 --> 01:24:44,778
in collaboration
with Al-Qaeda

1478
01:24:44,780 --> 01:24:47,214
for their new spring
explosive collection.

1479
01:24:47,616 --> 01:24:49,383
Todd! Floor!

1480
01:24:53,089 --> 01:24:56,256
When I throw this into
this ancient pool of lava,

1481
01:24:56,258 --> 01:24:58,298
it will overflow,
killing everyone in fashion.

1482
01:24:59,261 --> 01:25:00,694
Leaving only me.

1483
01:25:01,363 --> 01:25:03,163
You can't kill fashion!

1484
01:25:03,165 --> 01:25:05,165
I'm afraid fashion
already killed itself.

1485
01:25:06,335 --> 01:25:08,635
Mugatu! I'm coming across!

1486
01:25:11,307 --> 01:25:13,373
HANSEL: Derek!

1487
01:25:13,375 --> 01:25:15,442
Heat is a temporal construct
of the mind.

1488
01:25:15,444 --> 01:25:16,677
Yes.

1489
01:25:16,679 --> 01:25:18,512
It doesn't exist.

1490
01:25:21,717 --> 01:25:22,749
(SCREAMING)
Whoa!

1491
01:25:22,751 --> 01:25:25,252
It's so hot! It's hot!

1492
01:25:26,122 --> 01:25:27,287
(SCREAMING)

1493
01:25:27,289 --> 01:25:28,355
(GROANS)

1494
01:25:28,357 --> 01:25:29,423
(SCREAMS)

1495
01:25:30,326 --> 01:25:31,326
(GASPS)

1496
01:25:31,494 --> 01:25:32,726
Jesus!

1497
01:25:32,728 --> 01:25:34,361
Stop it, Hansel! Stop it!

1498
01:25:34,663 --> 01:25:36,363
(SCREAMING)

1499
01:25:36,365 --> 01:25:37,698
Derek, toss me the knife.

1500
01:25:37,700 --> 01:25:38,765
You got it!

1501
01:25:40,369 --> 01:25:42,803
(SCREAMING)

1502
01:25:43,506 --> 01:25:45,472
(BOTH GROANING)

1503
01:25:46,575 --> 01:25:48,142
Sorry.

1504
01:25:48,144 --> 01:25:49,343
(BOTH GROANING)

1505
01:25:49,912 --> 01:25:51,912
So stupid.

1506
01:25:51,914 --> 01:25:54,915
What the hell is your problem?
(SCREAMS)

1507
01:25:54,917 --> 01:25:57,351
You guys are
the absolute worst.

1508
01:25:57,353 --> 01:25:58,685
Put the bomb down, Mugatu!

1509
01:26:00,890 --> 01:26:04,158
Oh, you're the bubble-butted Playboy
model trying to take me down.

1510
01:26:04,160 --> 01:26:05,626
Swimsuit model!

1511
01:26:05,628 --> 01:26:08,529
<i>Sports Illustrated</i> cover,
three years in a row!

1512
01:26:08,531 --> 01:26:09,563
(SHRIEKING)

1513
01:26:10,900 --> 01:26:11,900
Ah!

1514
01:26:12,501 --> 01:26:13,501
(GRUNTING)

1515
01:26:14,436 --> 01:26:15,736
(SCREAMS)

1516
01:26:17,673 --> 01:26:18,673
(GROANS)

1517
01:26:26,682 --> 01:26:27,948
Katinka...

1518
01:26:27,950 --> 01:26:29,070
...Ingaborgovinanananana!

1519
01:26:29,952 --> 01:26:31,472
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)

1520
01:26:32,521 --> 01:26:35,422
Game on, my sexy sister.

1521
01:26:37,526 --> 01:26:38,566
(KATINKA LAUGHS)

1522
01:26:38,794 --> 01:26:39,914
(GRUNTS)

1523
01:26:40,563 --> 01:26:41,728
(BOTH GRUNTING)

1524
01:26:43,732 --> 01:26:45,599
Look!
They're sexy fighting!

1525
01:26:47,770 --> 01:26:50,370
(BOTH MOANING)

1526
01:26:50,372 --> 01:26:51,471
(LATEX SQUEAKING)

1527
01:26:57,246 --> 01:26:58,879
Awesome.

1528
01:27:00,349 --> 01:27:01,548
(BOTH MOANING)

1529
01:27:01,884 --> 01:27:03,917
Tommy likee.

1530
01:27:03,919 --> 01:27:05,686
(MOANING CONTINUES)

1531
01:27:07,423 --> 01:27:10,224
Hey, idiots!
Maybe this will get your attention!

1532
01:27:10,226 --> 01:27:12,593
I've got a bomb in my hand
and it's armed!

1533
01:27:12,595 --> 01:27:14,755
(BEEPING)
(BOTH GASPING)

1534
01:27:18,601 --> 01:27:20,334
Derek, now! Magnum! Do it!

1535
01:27:20,336 --> 01:27:21,835
Fly, baby, fly!

1536
01:27:23,505 --> 01:27:24,671
Bust it out!

1537
01:27:32,548 --> 01:27:33,947
Yes! I knew it.

1538
01:27:38,587 --> 01:27:39,786
(GASPS)

1539
01:27:39,788 --> 01:27:41,255
(CHUCKLES)

1540
01:27:46,395 --> 01:27:47,694
Hansel, I need your help.

1541
01:27:48,530 --> 01:27:49,796
Here, let me try!

1542
01:27:49,798 --> 01:27:50,838
(INHALES DEEPLY)

1543
01:27:52,434 --> 01:27:55,502
It's not working!
Derek, it's not working!

1544
01:27:55,504 --> 01:27:58,272
I can't hold it, Hansel!
I don't have it!

1545
01:27:58,274 --> 01:28:00,474
You've got your son!
I've got nothing.

1546
01:28:01,343 --> 01:28:02,576
(EXHALES)

1547
01:28:02,578 --> 01:28:03,677
Not anymore, Hansel.

1548
01:28:05,481 --> 01:28:07,447
Who's your daddy now?

1549
01:28:07,449 --> 01:28:09,416
I don't know
who my daddy is!

1550
01:28:09,418 --> 01:28:10,851
That's the whole point!

1551
01:28:10,853 --> 01:28:12,573
Hansel.
What?

1552
01:28:14,556 --> 01:28:15,956
I am your father.

1553
01:28:17,593 --> 01:28:19,693
Holy shit. Sting?

1554
01:28:19,695 --> 01:28:21,028
Let's do this now.

1555
01:28:21,797 --> 01:28:23,397
Synchronicity.

1556
01:28:42,651 --> 01:28:45,619
Nice try, but that looks about
as powerful as your fat son's...

1557
01:28:45,621 --> 01:28:47,454
I'm not fat!

1558
01:28:49,058 --> 01:28:51,091
He's plus size.

1559
01:28:52,895 --> 01:28:54,528
And I've got the fire.

1560
01:29:00,636 --> 01:29:03,437
<i>El Nino!</i> It's real.

1561
01:29:06,508 --> 01:29:08,475
It's so beautiful.

1562
01:29:09,678 --> 01:29:11,044
<i>Bellissima.</i>

1563
01:29:16,719 --> 01:29:18,552
The prophecy was true.

1564
01:29:20,522 --> 01:29:22,489
He is the Chosen One.

1565
01:29:24,927 --> 01:29:25,927
(GRUNTING)

1566
01:29:27,062 --> 01:29:28,062
(GASPING)

1567
01:29:29,598 --> 01:29:33,767
Hansel.
He's still so hot right now.

1568
01:29:33,769 --> 01:29:34,769
(EXPLOSION)

1569
01:29:43,979 --> 01:29:46,847
No way! It's a glitter bomb!

1570
01:29:57,626 --> 01:29:58,626
(LAUGHING)

1571
01:30:00,062 --> 01:30:01,182
Looks like
you still have it.

1572
01:30:01,630 --> 01:30:02,829
I guess I do.

1573
01:30:02,831 --> 01:30:04,898
Well, we do.
Mmm.

1574
01:30:06,735 --> 01:30:07,775
Ah!

1575
01:30:09,138 --> 01:30:10,298
Your face!

1576
01:30:10,672 --> 01:30:11,905
How bad is it?

1577
01:30:12,741 --> 01:30:14,808
Welcome to my world, bro.

1578
01:30:14,810 --> 01:30:16,443
NATALKA: Hansel!
MAN: Hansel!

1579
01:30:16,445 --> 01:30:18,245
Orgy!
Hansel!

1580
01:30:18,847 --> 01:30:20,480
(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

1581
01:30:22,050 --> 01:30:24,518
What are they doing here?

1582
01:30:24,520 --> 01:30:26,453
I knew how much
they meant to you,

1583
01:30:26,455 --> 01:30:28,054
so I called them
on the way over.

1584
01:30:28,056 --> 01:30:30,690
You did that for me?

1585
01:30:30,692 --> 01:30:33,894
You're the best friend anyone could
ever ask for, Derek Zoolander.

1586
01:30:35,497 --> 01:30:36,763
(ALL CHEERING)

1587
01:30:38,000 --> 01:30:40,167
You look so beautiful. Oh.

1588
01:30:41,103 --> 01:30:42,669
We missed you so much.

1589
01:30:42,671 --> 01:30:44,504
And I've missed you, too.

1590
01:30:44,506 --> 01:30:46,840
And I'm ready to be a father.
To all our children.

1591
01:30:48,911 --> 01:30:50,544
Minus one.

1592
01:30:52,014 --> 01:30:53,014
What?

1593
01:30:53,682 --> 01:30:55,081
I lost my baby.

1594
01:30:55,717 --> 01:30:58,018
No.

1595
01:30:58,020 --> 01:31:00,940
I guess kicking the door down
wasn't such a good idea.

1596
01:31:01,890 --> 01:31:04,010
We're going to be a family,
that's all that matters.

1597
01:31:04,526 --> 01:31:05,566
(LAUGHING)

1598
01:31:12,134 --> 01:31:14,801
Wait. Are you sure?

1599
01:31:15,804 --> 01:31:17,971
You're right. We shouldn't.

1600
01:31:19,775 --> 01:31:23,610
Hey. It's okay, Dad.
I don't think Mom would mind.

1601
01:31:30,886 --> 01:31:31,918
Matilda.

1602
01:31:32,855 --> 01:31:34,154
Go to her, Derek.

1603
01:31:35,224 --> 01:31:36,957
You're cool with it?

1604
01:31:36,959 --> 01:31:38,992
I'm totally cool with it.

1605
01:31:38,994 --> 01:31:40,794
I'm dead.

1606
01:31:40,796 --> 01:31:42,796
Literally nothing
bothers me anymore.

1607
01:31:44,032 --> 01:31:45,198
MATILDA: Oh, and guess what?

1608
01:31:45,200 --> 01:31:46,933
Mugatu live-streamed
all of this

1609
01:31:46,935 --> 01:31:49,503
to every fashion blog
on the planet.

1610
01:31:49,505 --> 01:31:51,345
Everybody loves
you guys again.

1611
01:31:52,007 --> 01:31:53,173
Did you hear that?

1612
01:31:53,175 --> 01:31:55,509
We did it. We're back.

1613
01:31:55,511 --> 01:31:57,544
And famous.
And totally self-realized.

1614
01:31:58,280 --> 01:31:59,779
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

1615
01:32:00,749 --> 01:32:02,115
If you're thinking...

1616
01:32:02,117 --> 01:32:04,551
BOTH: Lava pool party!

1617
01:32:06,522 --> 01:32:07,854
BOTH: No!

1618
01:32:11,293 --> 01:32:12,893
They're back!

1619
01:32:12,895 --> 01:32:15,095
After six weeks
in the burn ward,

1620
01:32:15,097 --> 01:32:17,297
their disgusting
facial scars healed

1621
01:32:17,299 --> 01:32:19,933
by a miraculous
hot lava treatment

1622
01:32:19,935 --> 01:32:23,003
<i>Derek Zoolander and Hansel
owning the runway once again</i>

1623
01:32:23,005 --> 01:32:25,772
<i>after exposing
fashion's top designers</i>

1624
01:32:25,774 --> 01:32:28,775
<i>in yet another
human sacrifice scandal.</i>

1625
01:32:28,777 --> 01:32:32,279
This time with the aid of Interpol
agent Valentina Valencia,

1626
01:32:32,281 --> 01:32:33,947
<i>now Zoolander's wife.</i>

1627
01:32:34,883 --> 01:32:36,816
<i>The two recently broke ground</i>

1628
01:32:36,818 --> 01:32:38,852
<i>for the Valentina Valencia
Center For Swimsuit Models</i>

1629
01:32:38,854 --> 01:32:40,654
<i>Who Want To Be Taken Seriously</i>

1630
01:32:40,656 --> 01:32:43,290
<i>And Maybe Transition
Into Law Enforcement Too.</i>

1631
01:32:43,292 --> 01:32:47,060
Hansel, definitely back
and fully self-realized.

1632
01:32:47,062 --> 01:32:49,763
<i>Now a model parent.
And father of ten.</i>

1633
01:32:49,765 --> 01:32:51,831
As crowds at
Paris Fashion Week

1634
01:32:51,833 --> 01:32:54,568
go cray-cray for
Derek Zoolander, Jr.,

1635
01:32:54,570 --> 01:32:56,903
<i>the world's hottest
plus size model-slash-</i>

1636
01:32:56,905 --> 01:32:58,305
<i>National Book Award winner-</i>

1637
01:32:58,307 --> 01:33:01,975
<i>one-half celebrity couple
Zoolala.</i>

1638
01:33:01,977 --> 01:33:04,311
MALE NEWSCASTER: <i>Yes, these
three are totally on fleek...</i>

1639
01:33:04,313 --> 01:33:07,247
<i>Redefining what it means
to be really, really,</i>

1640
01:33:07,249 --> 01:33:09,616
<i>ridiculously good-looking.</i>

1641
01:33:11,019 --> 01:33:12,352
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

1642
01:33:13,889 --> 01:33:15,689
<i>♪ Pumped up
with the sex appeal</i>

1643
01:33:15,691 --> 01:33:17,157
<i>♪ 'Bout to cop another feel
Then I foot the bill</i>

1644
01:33:17,159 --> 01:33:19,025
<i>♪ I got bang bang
with the looks that kill</i>

1645
01:33:19,027 --> 01:33:20,927
<i>♪ Sashay, Shante,
then hit the blue steel</i>

1646
01:33:20,929 --> 01:33:23,129
<i>♪ Trying to take a ride
in the cool mobile</i>

1647
01:33:23,131 --> 01:33:25,031
<i>♪ You wanna keep me on the line
'Cause my culo real</i>

1648
01:33:25,033 --> 01:33:26,866
<i>♪ Rockstar shit
with the Goose on the chill</i>

1649
01:33:26,868 --> 01:33:29,002
<i>♪ My pockets so fat,
got a sumo deal</i>

1650
01:33:29,004 --> 01:33:30,704
<i>♪ I'm a star,
so the camera flicker</i>

1651
01:33:30,706 --> 01:33:32,806
<i>♪ Look at her go,
blame it on the liquor</i>

1652
01:33:32,808 --> 01:33:34,274
<i>♪ Doing it big,
my selfie two figures</i>

1653
01:33:34,276 --> 01:33:36,743
<i>♪ Could give it up,
but I ain't a quitter</i>

1654
01:33:36,745 --> 01:33:40,013
<i>♪ Ooh, I be flyer than you
World domination, I'm so Mugatu</i>

1655
01:33:40,015 --> 01:33:41,982
<i>♪ Yes, I be smashin',
plenty of fashion</i>

1656
01:33:41,984 --> 01:33:44,117
<i>♪ Doing my anthem,
Now give 'em the Magnum</i>

1657
01:33:44,119 --> 01:33:46,953
<i>♪ Relax, don't do it
When you wanna go to it</i>

1658
01:33:46,955 --> 01:33:48,688
<i>♪ Relax, don't do it</i>

1659
01:33:51,193 --> 01:33:54,394
<i>♪ Relax, don't do it
When we got the club moving</i>

1660
01:33:54,396 --> 01:33:56,363
<i>♪ Relax, don't do it</i>

1661
01:33:56,365 --> 01:34:00,033
<i>♪ When you wanna come</i>

1662
01:34:14,182 --> 01:34:18,084
<i>♪ Pack it up, old lames
You just irrelevant to us</i>

1663
01:34:18,086 --> 01:34:21,955
<i>♪ Old as the presidents
Your style is like the republican twos</i>

1664
01:34:21,957 --> 01:34:25,058
<i>♪ That's a definite
Give grief to all your relatives</i>

1665
01:34:25,060 --> 01:34:28,695
<i>♪ And next of kin and
Gave 'em D-attention, no decificit</i>

1666
01:34:28,697 --> 01:34:31,164
<i>♪ When I say ancient relics,
Hansel and Derek,</i>

1667
01:34:31,166 --> 01:34:34,501
<i>♪ I'm handsome, you jealous</i>

1668
01:34:34,502 --> 01:34:37,837
<i>♪ I can tell it from your facial
expressions Or I take it, you smell it</i>

1669
01:34:37,839 --> 01:34:42,409
<i>♪ I'm sorry, Don Atari, but Donatella
suggested Valentino for the party</i>

1670
01:34:43,445 --> 01:34:47,013
<i>♪ Shoot it
in the right direction</i>

1671
01:34:47,015 --> 01:34:50,016
<i>♪ Make it your intention</i>

1672
01:34:51,053 --> 01:34:52,752
<i>♪ Live those dreams</i>

1673
01:34:52,754 --> 01:34:54,020
<i>♪ Scheme those schemes</i>

1674
01:34:54,856 --> 01:34:56,923
<i>♪ You gotta hit me</i>

1675
01:34:56,925 --> 01:34:59,059
<i>♪ Hit me with those
laser beams</i>

1676
01:34:59,061 --> 01:35:02,328
<i>♪ Relax, don't do it
When you wanna go to it</i>

1677
01:35:02,330 --> 01:35:05,932
<i>♪ Relax, don't do it
When you wanna come</i>

1678
01:35:05,934 --> 01:35:07,901
<i>♪ Relax, don't do it</i>

1679
01:35:07,903 --> 01:35:09,703
<i>♪ When we got the club moving</i>

1680
01:35:09,705 --> 01:35:11,337
<i>♪ Relax, don't do it</i>

1681
01:35:11,339 --> 01:35:14,407
<i>♪ When you wanna come</i>

1682
01:35:16,445 --> 01:35:19,245
<i>♪ When you wanna come</i>

1683
01:35:28,190 --> 01:35:29,322
<i>♪ Relax ♪</i>