1
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Women: <i> Ladies and gentlemen,</i>
BBM: 2C09385E
LINE: SOLAIRE99

6
00:00:42,291 --> 00:00:46,055
<i>welcome to Whitney Cummings!</i>
Wechat: CS1_SOLAIRE99
Whatsapp: +66634622578

7
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(cheering)

8
00:00:53,470 --> 00:00:56,137
I have to pee.
I am fine!

9
00:01:20,838 --> 00:01:23,623
What's up, bitches
Come on!

10
00:01:23,658 --> 00:01:26,367
(cheering)

11
00:01:30,288 --> 00:01:31,998
Thank you very much for being here.

12
00:01:32,064 --> 00:01:35,871
I photographed my HBO special, no big deal.

13
00:01:37,867 --> 00:01:39,892
This has been my dream
for a very long time,

14
00:01:39,927 --> 00:01:41,888
thank you already
here, to appear.

15
00:01:41,946 --> 00:01:43,610
I really appreciate that.

16
00:01:43,645 --> 00:01:45,880
Thank you for wearing shorts, sir.

17
00:01:48,765 --> 00:01:49,724
You are getting ready,

18
00:01:49,770 --> 00:01:54,009
You are like, "I will go home Whitney
dreams come true, and I will...

19
00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:56,054
" I will use this seersucker... "

20
00:01:56,135 --> 00:02:00,590
the word operation: suck..." shorts.

21
00:02:01,367 --> 00:02:05,207
"I just want him to see
My Scrotum all night

22
00:02:05,327 --> 00:02:09,163
to let him know what I think
of his achievements.

23
00:02:10,795 --> 00:02:12,081
You know, only the thighs. looks like a swollen vagina?

24
00:02:12,116 --> 00:02:15,635
That's what I see.

25
00:02:15,712 --> 00:02:17,403
Really appr... Thank you for shaving, sir.

26
00:02:19,379 --> 00:02:21,711
And where is the camera.
Are there cameras on...

27
00:02:23,283 --> 00:02:25,998
And for you at home, if
you watch this on YouTube,

28
00:02:26,033 --> 00:02:29,522
fuck you,

29
00:02:29,557 --> 00:02:31,774
Go to HBO Go, like an adult,

30
00:02:31,830 --> 00:02:34,578
so I can get ten cents,
okay, from this view

31
00:02:34,613 --> 00:02:37,670
(applause, applause)

32
00:02:37,705 --> 00:02:40,373


33
00:02:40,509 --> 00:02:41,676
Thank you.

34
00:02:43,889 --> 00:02:47,102
I wear heel shoes tonight, that's
The least you can fucking do.

35
00:02:48,399 --> 00:02:50,811
I like you
You are sexy, sexy.

36
00:02:50,887 --> 00:02:53,352
Sexy people
Are you young
Young?

37
00:02:53,432 --> 00:02:56,040
Yes?
Yes?
Anyone in their 20s?

38
00:02:56,075 --> 00:02:57,654
- 20s?
- Audience: Whoo!

39
00:02:57,689 --> 00:03:01,005
That's what you did in your 20s, you "whoo."

40
00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:01,847
Are you old?

41
00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:03,000
- 27.
- 27  Well, your age 30.

42
00:03:03,035 --> 00:03:04,169
(laughter, applause)

43
00:03:04,204 --> 00:03:06,537
Younger than 27?

44
00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:10,473
- Women: 24.
- 24!
(laugh)

45
00:03:10,528 --> 00:03:13,855
Yes, life will make you really bad.

46
00:03:13,944 --> 00:03:16,933


47
00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:22,346
I like to see girls in their homes
20s.
This makes me crack, man.

48
00:03:22,418 --> 00:03:24,041
This reminds me when I was in my 20s.

49
00:03:24,111 --> 00:03:26,420
Because when I was in my house
20s, I was an idiot.

50
00:03:26,455 --> 00:03:29,998
Like, when I was 20, I
was the worst combination of...

51
00:03:30,033 --> 00:03:34,025
I'm arrogant, but me too,
like, delusional, you know?

52
00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:37,524
Like, when I was in my 20s, I thought I caught it.

53
00:03:37,664 --> 00:03:41,015
I think I'm funny
and interesting and smart,

54
00:03:41,065 --> 00:03:44,183
but I don't.
You are not.

55
00:03:44,218 --> 00:03:47,872
Good?
It's just that people want
to have sex with you right?

56
00:03:47,927 --> 00:03:50,984
So they laugh at your stupid jokes.

57
00:03:51,019 --> 00:03:53,216
They listen to your boring story.

58
00:03:53,289 --> 00:03:56,212
And then you start to get the ego.
You start thinking you are amazing.

59
00:03:57,425 --> 00:04:01,082
Then you are 30, and people stop
want to have sex with you,

60
00:04:01,117 --> 00:04:07,688
and then you just left
with a terrible personality

61
00:04:07,723 --> 00:04:10,239
That's what happened to me.
I was activated in my 20s,

62
00:04:10,274 --> 00:04:14,346
Now I'm in my 30s, and I'm just... dick.

63
00:04:14,381 --> 00:04:18,298
I am the worst
I am hard.
I'm annoying.
I'm bossy

64
00:04:18,333 --> 00:04:21,513
Do you know?
But I think I understand
are confused about what people like

65
00:04:21,548 --> 00:04:24,473
Because you remember there were
rumors happening briefly

66
00:04:24,508 --> 00:04:28,533
that men like strong women?

67
00:04:30,283 --> 00:04:32,641
People will say that.
They will
be like, "Men like strong women.

68
00:04:32,676 --> 00:04:35,237
Men like independent and strong women."

69
00:04:35,272 --> 00:04:37,782
Yes, no, no.

70
00:04:37,824 --> 00:04:40,137
Okay, I've seen porn.

71
00:04:42,490 --> 00:04:47,386
Men like Asian girls

72
00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:50,554
with duct tape over their mouths.

73
00:04:50,589 --> 00:04:52,957
(laughter, applause)

74
00:04:52,992 --> 00:04:54,876
That's what men like.

75
00:04:54,911 --> 00:04:57,797
Literally, in porn they have
categories that you can choose.

76
00:04:57,832 --> 00:04:59,620
There is a menu next to it.
It's like,

77
00:04:59,678 --> 00:05:01,944
"Girl-on-girl,
college girl,"

78
00:05:01,979 --> 00:05:04,268
there is no "CEO".

79
00:05:04,303 --> 00:05:06,701
(laughter)

80
00:05:06,797 --> 00:05:08,033
People don't watch porn movies, like,

81
00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:12,253
"Yeah, girl, get the promotion, huh."

82
00:05:17,846 --> 00:05:18,769
How annoying.

83
00:05:18,804 --> 00:05:22,194
It's annoying because I feel like I'm working
my ass to reach my goal,

84
00:05:22,241 --> 00:05:23,441
to realize my dream

85
00:05:23,522 --> 00:05:25,519
Now I feel I have the best life ever.

86
00:05:25,554 --> 00:05:27,672
I have the career I want,
But people don't like that.

87
00:05:27,707 --> 00:05:30,290
People don't become independent girls,

88
00:05:30,369 --> 00:05:32,035
You know who is independent.

89
00:05:32,101 --> 00:05:34,566
That's not turn-on.
I'm not a sexy woman.

90
00:05:34,617 --> 00:05:36,653
My dirty talk isn't sexy.

91
00:05:36,739 --> 00:05:39,544
I'm like, "Hey, want
back to my house...

92
00:05:39,579 --> 00:05:41,031
do I have? "

93
00:05:41,066 --> 00:05:43,248
(laughter)

94
00:05:43,283 --> 00:05:45,334
Not a turn.

95
00:05:45,369 --> 00:05:48,348
People like girls,
like, are vulnerable and shy.

96
00:05:48,383 --> 00:05:51,791
Girls like Guy become like" Mmm...

97
00:05:51,826 --> 00:05:54,715
"I'm lost.

98
00:05:54,750 --> 00:05:58,172
" Can you help me? Mmm...

99
00:05:58,207 --> 00:06:02,916
Your penis is too big, it hurts.
Mmm... "

100
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:08,498
No.

101
00:06:08,533 --> 00:06:10,867
(laughter, applause)

102
00:06:15,193 --> 00:06:18,164
I am in my 30's.
No more
damn. laugh)
- That's another...

103
00:06:24,361 --> 00:06:25,670
That's a different story.

104
00:06:25,705 --> 00:06:28,658
So, I don't know what to do, you know?
I can't stop reaching my goal, right?

105
00:06:29,913 --> 00:06:31,955


106
00:06:33,325 --> 00:06:36,355


107
00:06:36,390 --> 00:06:37,664
I can't stop doing what I love.

108
00:06:37,699 --> 00:06:41,230
So I feel like what I should start
Do it is when I meet a guy I like,

109
00:06:41,316 --> 00:06:45,441
I just need to acknowledge what
they feel uninteresting about me

110
00:06:45,476 --> 00:06:49,082
and immediately negotiate with them.

111
00:06:49,164 --> 00:06:53,457
I will be like, "Look,
I know I'm not 24, but...

112
00:06:53,656 --> 00:06:55,281
" I have a pool. "

113
00:06:57,679 --> 00:07:01,531
" I know I'm not adorable and
shame, but I can pay all your bills

114
00:07:01,566 --> 00:07:04,408
I can get you out of debt today! "

115
00:07:11,184 --> 00:07:15,680
There is so much evidence in our culture
that you like fragile little women.

116
00:07:15,715 --> 00:07:17,100
You know, especially in our local language.

117
00:07:17,135 --> 00:07:20,017
Even the fact that you call us "dear".

118
00:07:20,199 --> 00:07:21,818
No one else thinks it's weird?

119
00:07:21,853 --> 00:07:24,207
Especially in sexual connotations.

120
00:07:24,242 --> 00:07:27,413
Babies are the only ones socially
acceptable age increases

121
00:07:27,449 --> 00:07:29,341
You can tell a woman in bed, you know?

122
00:07:29,376 --> 00:07:34,033
You can't like, "Yes,
bend a toddler, huh."

123
00:07:34,068 --> 00:07:37,658
"Yeah, you like that, preteen? Uhn!"

124
00:07:41,157 --> 00:07:44,139
I don't like it.
I think it's creepy.

125
00:07:44,174 --> 00:07:46,516
That's when a man calls me
"dear" on the bed, I will like,

126
00:07:46,551 --> 00:07:49,933
"Waah!"

127
00:07:50,030 --> 00:07:53,376
And then I'm just unlucky
pants just to make a point.

128
00:07:58,148 --> 00:08:01,379
Like, you want a baby, you have one, weird.

129
00:08:04,574 --> 00:08:07,544
People like girls become babies,
and people like girls become bad.

130
00:08:07,579 --> 00:08:10,373
Right?
You like "bad girls".

131
00:08:10,408 --> 00:08:12,176
Very strange

132
00:08:12,211 --> 00:08:13,749
That always happens, you start dating men,

133
00:08:13,784 --> 00:08:16,060
It's only a matter of time before
You have sex and she's like,

134
00:08:16,095 --> 00:08:18,707
"Are you a bad girl?"

135
00:08:18,813 --> 00:08:20,058
I always like,

136
00:08:20,190 --> 00:08:22,583
"No.

137
00:08:22,618 --> 00:08:26,623
I pay my taxes on time."

138
00:08:26,725 --> 00:08:30,411
And, also, I feel like before us
Play this game from You You Bad Girl,

139
00:08:30,446 --> 00:08:33,754
we must agree to a bad definition
that works for both of us, okay?

140
00:08:33,807 --> 00:08:36,469
I am a comedian, my taste
is a little off.

141
00:08:36,504 --> 00:08:39,166
If I really would lose the body
In a bad girl game, I would like,

142
00:08:39,248 --> 00:08:43,879
"Yeah, I'm a bad girl
herpes and I didn't tell you, yeah."

143
00:08:43,966 --> 00:08:46,390
- Man: no!
- "No"?

144
00:08:46,451 --> 00:08:49,975
"No... it's not
aphrodisiac, okay, right

145
00:08:50,010 --> 00:08:52,200
We will spin back, I'll do it."

146
00:08:55,117 --> 00:08:57,508
People like girls become babies,
People like girls become bad,

147
00:08:57,557 --> 00:08:59,332
and guys like girls become exotic.

148
00:08:59,367 --> 00:09:00,718
Guys become exotic girls now.

149
00:09:00,773 --> 00:09:02,387
I know this because of my boyfriend

150
00:09:02,422 --> 00:09:04,104
make me a blind date with this person,

151
00:09:04,139 --> 00:09:06,271
Then he calls me and cancels the date.

152
00:09:06,348 --> 00:09:07,606
He is like, "Yeah, it won't work.

153
00:09:07,641 --> 00:09:10,315
I know he only entered Cuban girls."

154
00:09:10,402 --> 00:09:13,405
I like, "Well, I
can use my own tanner,

155
00:09:13,455 --> 00:09:17,686
and drink from fucking
coconuts.
What do you want?"

156
00:09:17,781 --> 00:09:19,394
And he's like, "No, that's right
not about skin color.

157
00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:22,838
"He is not a Brazilian girl, he is
Not in Spanish, it is only Cuban."

158
00:09:22,873 --> 00:09:28,022
And I try to find out as it is
Cuban island fetish?
Only Cuba.

159
00:09:28,061 --> 00:09:31,079
The only thing I can conclude is that
Cuban girls must be very pleasant to this day  Because they are very easily impressed

160
00:09:31,148 --> 00:09:32,507
because they never have it
Previous American products

161
00:09:32,542 --> 00:09:35,165
So, he was like, "I got Coca-Cola."

162
00:09:35,261 --> 00:09:37,675
He is like, "Oh my God,
he's a millionaire!"

163
00:09:37,710 --> 00:09:40,857
Yes, you have to read the news to get that  I think this will be more difficult
and more difficult for you

164
00:09:46,551 --> 00:09:48,979


165
00:09:52,158 --> 00:09:53,422


166
00:09:53,457 --> 00:09:56,088
to find this type
weak, obedient woman.

167
00:09:56,175 --> 00:09:58,741
Because women are not like that
again.
Women are badasses now.

168
00:09:58,776 --> 00:10:02,604
All my girlfriends are strong,
independent, have awesome jobs, you know?

169
00:10:02,639 --> 00:10:03,967
And I... here it is.

170
00:10:04,002 --> 00:10:05,781
I think feminism is running,

171
00:10:05,816 --> 00:10:07,522
But I don't know if you like it.

172
00:10:07,557 --> 00:10:09,918
I think you are angry with us about that,

173
00:10:09,953 --> 00:10:12,067
and it comes out in an evil way.

174
00:10:12,102 --> 00:10:15,427
Like, the way people talk about
Women become more aggressive.

175
00:10:15,477 --> 00:10:19,433
The way people talk about having sex
with women is great.

176
00:10:19,468 --> 00:10:21,116
I was talking to a male friend
I was a few weeks ago,

177
00:10:21,151 --> 00:10:22,894
and he goes,

178
00:10:22,929 --> 00:10:25,040
"I'm connected with this
girl that night

179
00:10:25,098 --> 00:10:26,951
Destroys that crap."

180
00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:31,236
It's like, "Excuse me?"

181
00:10:31,271 --> 00:10:34,873
He said, "Yes, man, I
killed that crap, bro."

182
00:10:34,908 --> 00:10:37,908
This is like, first of all,
you don't kill it

183
00:10:37,943 --> 00:10:39,707
He is fine.

184
00:10:39,858 --> 00:10:43,388
He is at home.
He might be a little disappointed,

185
00:10:43,423 --> 00:10:45,720
but he will...

186
00:10:45,796 --> 00:10:51,267
He will pass it.
He survived
the wrath of your killer dick

187
00:10:51,358 --> 00:10:54,229
Pew, bench, bench, bench, bench!

188
00:10:54,264 --> 00:10:55,550
You don't kill it

189
00:10:55,585 --> 00:10:58,064
You might have given him
urinary tract infection,

190
00:10:58,099 --> 00:11:03,286
But he will... He will rise again.

191
00:11:03,353 --> 00:11:05,378
I don't think it's healthy
how to talk about women.

192
00:11:05,425 --> 00:11:08,353
And my theory is that
women are getting stronger,

193
00:11:08,388 --> 00:11:10,165
and because they get more self-sufficiency,

194
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,759
you get more
aggressive towards us

195
00:11:12,794 --> 00:11:15,401
Because 10-15 years ago, you
didn't talk like that about women.

196
00:11:15,439 --> 00:11:19,034
You will say, you know,
like, "I'll tap it."

197
00:11:19,069 --> 00:11:20,425
Right?
"I will hit it."

198
00:11:20,460 --> 00:11:23,392
Now like, "I'll kill him."

199
00:11:23,427 --> 00:11:26,566
I feel like in 10 years,
It will be very disgusting.

200
00:11:26,601 --> 00:11:28,654
Guys, you will like, "Hooked up
with this girl that night.

201
00:11:28,709 --> 00:11:31,790
" Scalped the bitch, bro.

202
00:11:32,039 --> 00:11:34,637
"He is fully amputated now.

203
00:11:34,672 --> 00:11:37,624
" Mother doesn't have legs.

204
00:11:37,659 --> 00:11:40,237
"Eat from a tube.

205
00:11:40,347 --> 00:11:43,381
" My penis

206
00:11:43,454 --> 00:11:46,028
Do you know Helen Keller?
My penis does that

207
00:11:49,795 --> 00:11:51,661
This is too much.

208
00:11:51,696 --> 00:11:52,757
I don't think music helps.

209
00:11:52,803 --> 00:11:55,101
Music becomes very rude to women.

210
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:57,825
Have you ever heard the song "Fight Night."

211
00:11:57,890 --> 00:11:59,599
There are no blacks here?
That's embarrassing.

212
00:12:01,648 --> 00:12:04,498
Santa Monica.
Hashtag Santa Monica.

213
00:12:04,533 --> 00:12:07,696
(laughter, applause)

214
00:12:07,731 --> 00:12:10,592
Do you clap
Like,
sort of white power rally?

215
00:12:10,627 --> 00:12:13,409
Don't applaud it!

216
00:12:13,444 --> 00:12:14,945
Oh my God.

217
00:12:16,617 --> 00:12:20,116
The song says, "I 'm
will drop the pussy out

218
00:12:20,151 --> 00:12:21,414
Like that night of the fight."

219
00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:22,727
That's a song.

220
00:12:22,762 --> 00:12:25,936
There is another song that says it
"I will defeat her pussy."

221
00:12:25,971 --> 00:12:30,214
I like it, I'm sorry, what happened?
Our vagina ever did for you?

222
00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:32,783
Besides giving your life

223
00:12:32,818 --> 00:12:35,951
and make you feel amazing all the time?

224
00:12:35,986 --> 00:12:38,782
How about not beating the
and tapping it out,

225
00:12:38,817 --> 00:12:41,737
How is it possible, I don't know, give it an orgasm?

226
00:12:41,772 --> 00:12:43,332
I don't know

227
00:12:43,367 --> 00:12:44,867
(cheering, applause)

228
00:12:47,999 --> 00:12:50,998
I want to hear the song.

229
00:12:51,033 --> 00:12:53,034
"I'll make you climax, kid.

230
00:12:53,069 --> 00:12:55,349
I'll make you believe me."

231
00:12:55,384 --> 00:12:56,582
I...

232
00:12:56,617 --> 00:12:58,443
(laughter)

233
00:12:58,478 --> 00:13:00,612
I want to hear the song.

234
00:13:02,117 --> 00:13:03,565
I blame the rapper.

235
00:13:03,653 --> 00:13:05,785
Not only male rapper,
female rapper is just as bad  Do you know Nicki Minaj?

236
00:13:05,829 --> 00:13:07,539
Yeah, big Nicki Minaj fans?

237
00:13:07,574 --> 00:13:09,207
I used to like Nicki Minaj.

238
00:13:09,292 --> 00:13:11,121
But then I hear the lecture,

239
00:13:11,183 --> 00:13:13,303
and that's not good.

240
00:13:13,338 --> 00:13:15,815


241
00:13:15,850 --> 00:13:18,508
So, he sounds like a hypocrite,

242
00:13:18,543 --> 00:13:20,906
and I think he is a bad role model
Because he is up there, and he's like,

243
00:13:20,940 --> 00:13:24,502
"You know, men don't respect me
rap games because I'm a woman,

244
00:13:24,537 --> 00:13:26,096
and people don't respect
me because I'm a woman."

245
00:13:26,131 --> 00:13:30,568
I'm like, no, no, no.
Uh, not at all.

246
00:13:30,669 --> 00:13:35,450
We don't respect you
we can see your bastard

247
00:13:37,867 --> 00:13:40,790
Nothing to do with
Actually you're a woman, okay?

248
00:13:40,856 --> 00:13:43,832
We respect Mary J. Blige is fine.

249
00:13:43,867 --> 00:13:44,541
Here are my points

250
00:13:44,576 --> 00:13:47,139
I think women should be
Can be sexy and glamorous,

251
00:13:47,174 --> 00:13:48,618
and feminine and professional.

252
00:13:48,653 --> 00:13:50,185
You can be a myriad of things.

253
00:13:50,220 --> 00:13:52,271
But as you get
dress for your album cover,

254
00:13:52,306 --> 00:13:57,839
You also have to acknowledge basic
human and neurological properties, okay?

255
00:13:57,874 --> 00:14:02,897
You must acknowledge the fact that
The male brain is basically only designed

256
00:14:02,962 --> 00:14:06,014
to look for holes

257
00:14:06,049 --> 00:14:08,423
This is quite a lot of all that
do at a certain time,

258
00:14:08,465 --> 00:14:11,818
just scan the cracks

259
00:14:11,853 --> 00:14:16,647
They are like gophers
looking for holes to enter

260
00:14:16,682 --> 00:14:20,293
Counting, like, two, four...
eight, that's a golf course.

261
00:14:20,348 --> 00:14:22,358
Continue to add them.

262
00:14:24,163 --> 00:14:25,826
So sometimes we have to help you.

263
00:14:25,861 --> 00:14:27,954
You become very disturbed by that, right?

264
00:14:27,989 --> 00:14:29,749
When I saw Nicki Minaj's ass,

265
00:14:29,784 --> 00:14:32,968
I think things are terrible, terrible, embarrassing.

266
00:14:33,003 --> 00:14:35,368
I would like, "Yes, I'm sure if I hit
that from behind that crap will appear."

267
00:14:35,403 --> 00:14:37,259
I'm like, "Oh, my God!"

268
00:14:37,364 --> 00:14:40,213
So, I can't even imagine what
you think, you know

269
00:14:40,248 --> 00:14:41,332
And this is the problem, I'm a comedian.

270
00:14:41,367 --> 00:14:42,967
I want you guys
listen to what I say,

271
00:14:43,002 --> 00:14:44,891
I want you to think of me
Funny, I want you to focus.

272
00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:47,482
So, I won't do stand-ups like this...

273
00:14:47,517 --> 00:14:49,934
(laughter)

274
00:14:51,825 --> 00:14:53,715
(cheering)

275
00:14:53,750 --> 00:14:56,248
This is not the most effective
how to do stand-up, right?

276
00:14:56,283 --> 00:14:58,990
I won't be like, "Hey, friend
. You saw that election coverage last night?

277
00:14:59,025 --> 00:15:01,538
" Yes! "
No. insulting

278
00:15:01,573 --> 00:15:03,898
Is that your girlfriend?

279
00:15:57,039 --> 00:15:10,457
There?

280
00:15:10,492 --> 00:15:12,235
Yes?  I like him.
He runs a
strict ship
I appreciate that.

281
00:15:12,290 --> 00:15:13,413
He doesn't even see.

282
00:15:13,476 --> 00:15:14,457


283
00:15:14,492 --> 00:15:15,679


284
00:15:15,768 --> 00:15:17,294


285
00:15:19,529 --> 00:15:21,225


286
00:15:22,457 --> 00:15:26,611


287
00:15:26,646 --> 00:15:29,693


288
00:15:29,752 --> 00:15:31,931
So, no matter, you
nice to see my ass,

289
00:15:35,555 --> 00:15:37,108
So, that's not the best position,

290
00:15:37,155 --> 00:15:39,478
and I think that's all
hypocritical way to operate

291
00:15:39,513 --> 00:15:42,020
because people can't have
their penis comes out, you know

292
00:15:42,082 --> 00:15:44,489
Like, male rapper can't
rap with their penis out

293
00:15:47,399 --> 00:15:48,335
or listen to what he says.

294
00:15:52,602 --> 00:15:55,582
which is a testament
with human nature.

295
00:15:55,656 --> 00:15:57,779
That when a woman is naked, you are actually
like, "Look at that beautiful woman,"

296
00:16:03,297 --> 00:16:06,272
Something terrible
Happens there, guys. "

297
00:16:08,542 --> 00:16:11,225
This is an interesting time.
We live in amazing times.

298
00:16:11,264 --> 00:16:13,832
We live in one time
where women have money, okay?

299
00:16:13,867 --> 00:16:15,709
Where... are you aware?
how is the new one right?

300
00:16:15,744 --> 00:16:17,644
It's like 30 years, or something,

301
00:16:17,679 --> 00:16:19,481
and there is no blueprint
for how to operate it,

302
00:16:19,516 --> 00:16:21,443
and I think that's right
mess up dynamic power.

303
00:16:21,515 --> 00:16:24,395
Like, the fact that I can pay for myself
Bill, that's a big problem for me.

304
00:16:24,486 --> 00:16:26,693
I think that making money
will solve all my problems,

305
00:16:26,784 --> 00:16:28,184
especially my relationship problem.

306
00:16:28,219 --> 00:16:31,392
Because when I was in my 20s, I
Must date a guy who has money

307
00:16:31,427 --> 00:16:32,507
Because I don't have it.

308
00:16:32,542 --> 00:16:34,028
But now I make my own money,

309
00:16:34,063 --> 00:16:39,756
I feel like it's opening this
the whole new pool of people broke

310
00:16:39,839 --> 00:16:41,432
that I can't date before,

311
00:16:41,492 --> 00:16:43,647
so I've done that

312
00:16:43,682 --> 00:16:46,335
They are much better.

313
00:16:46,370 --> 00:16:49,372
And the last man I went to,
I paid for everything.

314
00:16:49,407 --> 00:16:51,377
I pay for travel, I pay for dinner,

315
00:16:51,459 --> 00:16:54,230
and now I'm like that
Men in that relationship,

316
00:16:54,265 --> 00:16:55,729
Now I'm on your shoes,

317
00:16:55,764 --> 00:17:00,729
Now I understand why you hate us.

318
00:17:00,911 --> 00:17:04,558
That's because we owe you
so much unlucky money.

319
00:17:05,886 --> 00:17:09,065
And something happens psychologically

320
00:17:09,116 --> 00:17:11,669
when you start paying someone
where you start to hate them.

321
00:17:11,704 --> 00:17:13,960
Start hating everything about them.
You hate them

322
00:17:13,995 --> 00:17:16,656
You start saving scores
of everything they do

323
00:17:16,691 --> 00:17:19,441
One day he came home.
She is drinking coconut water

324
00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:28,420
It's like, "coconut water?
You, damn English queen?

325
00:17:28,501 --> 00:17:32,101
" What if you drink from the tap
Like a fucking person, how about that? "

326
00:17:32,992 --> 00:17:35,421
And then they scold you.
They always need something from you, you know

327
00:17:35,510 --> 00:17:38,475
He will be like," Do you want to go to dinner? "I'm like," You just ate yesterday.

328
00:17:38,647 --> 00:17:42,053
Do you have tapeworms?
What is the problem? " I feel now I understand why you
are always very disappointed with us too.

329
00:17:43,992 --> 00:17:46,928
Because something happened when
you started paying for someone for their behavior

330
00:17:47,018 --> 00:17:49,173
The next morning I woke up,
I was like, "This is weird,

331
00:17:49,220 --> 00:17:52,343
It's 8:00 a.m., and I don't smell eggs.

332
00:17:52,378 --> 00:17:54,010


333
00:17:54,045 --> 00:17:58,380


334
00:17:58,461 --> 00:18:00,862


335
00:18:00,901 --> 00:18:03,753


336
00:18:03,788 --> 00:18:07,704


337
00:18:09,707 --> 00:18:12,314
Yeah, chop-chop, bitch.
Mother is hungry. "

338
00:18:18,317 --> 00:18:19,392
This is complicated.

339
00:18:19,427 --> 00:18:22,407
I also begin to pay attention to all of this,
like, the unspoken rules that occur

340
00:18:22,489 --> 00:18:24,384
with expectations based on who pays.  is that he will go
have sex with you right?

341
00:18:24,419 --> 00:18:26,826
But when I pay for him,

342
00:18:26,908 --> 00:18:29,082
my hope
won't have sex with you,

343
00:18:29,117 --> 00:18:30,515
and we will stay awake
night talking about my dream

344
00:18:30,550 --> 00:18:34,015
We will read it
horoscope tonight, bitch

345
00:18:34,124 --> 00:18:37,825
And then I see, like, all
sexism is institutionalized dangerous.

346
00:18:39,122 --> 00:18:42,158


347
00:18:44,471 --> 00:18:47,993


348
00:18:48,051 --> 00:18:49,599
Like, every time we go to dinner,

349
00:18:49,697 --> 00:18:52,371
The waiter will automatically
give him a check

350
00:18:52,492 --> 00:18:54,383
And then he will take it,

351
00:18:54,418 --> 00:18:56,635
and then when the waiter wants
go, he will slide to me.

352
00:18:56,717 --> 00:19:00,562
I'm like, "Oh, no!"

353
00:19:00,936 --> 00:19:02,528
If you take a check, you pay.

354
00:19:02,578 --> 00:19:05,759
You better find yourself
a Groupon is very fast.

355
00:19:09,368 --> 00:19:12,320
I also understand why people
stay in a relationship too long

356
00:19:12,356 --> 00:19:15,163
Because money makes things more sticky.

357
00:19:15,198 --> 00:19:17,659
Like, I feel like I live in that
a three month relationship is too long

358
00:19:17,694 --> 00:19:20,643
just because I don't want to
get bad back on my money

359
00:19:20,678 --> 00:19:24,123
Because dating is like that
_ a terrible investment

360
00:19:24,158 --> 00:19:26,846
Which makes me think, like, I can't
believe us we just go around spending money

361
00:19:26,881 --> 00:19:28,775
in that relationship we
don't know it will work.

362
00:19:28,810 --> 00:19:30,372
This is a terrible investment.

363
00:19:30,407 --> 00:19:33,935
I feel there must be some sort of insurance from somewhere to protect us.

364
00:19:33,976 --> 00:19:37,960
Like, I feel that dating should be
be like checking a hotel.

365
00:19:37,995 --> 00:19:40,294
Well, you and I will start dating.

366
00:19:40,367 --> 00:19:43,998
Once we start dating, you must put your credit card down.

367
00:19:44,127 --> 00:19:45,598
Three months later, if you want to break up,

368
00:19:45,633 --> 00:19:48,418
I will like, "Okay,
well, let's look at your bill

369
00:19:49,867 --> 00:19:54,824
Yes, you owe $ 3,200 or
You can't go leave it."

370
00:19:56,101 --> 00:19:59,926
And now I have spent my hard-earned money on someone I have never seen,

371
00:19:59,961 --> 00:20:02,698
I can't stand that it's only assumed
that you pay for everything

372
00:20:02,733 --> 00:20:05,073
I think it's very chaotic.
I'm on your boy's side about this.

373
00:20:05,108 --> 00:20:09,080
I think it's crazy that it's only social
built that you pay for everything.

374
00:20:09,115 --> 00:20:09,774
I think it's crazy.

375
00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:12,472
I really think that you guys
Bring a girl to eat three times

376
00:20:12,507 --> 00:20:14,360
and you pay, and then you
never hear from him again,

377
00:20:14,395 --> 00:20:16,478
I think it should be so
Can call the police.

378
00:20:18,700 --> 00:20:20,450
That's nonsense.

379
00:20:23,033 --> 00:20:26,259
I am very embarrassed by how
the relationship ends.

380
00:20:26,294 --> 00:20:29,201
I'm ashamed of that, but I think it's important to talk about it.

381
00:20:29,236 --> 00:20:30,930
I thought I just lost respect for him

382
00:20:30,965 --> 00:20:33,577
because he doesn't contribute
in any way financially

383
00:20:33,612 --> 00:20:36,045
It's chaotic because I feel like
women don't contribute to relationships

384
00:20:36,119 --> 00:20:37,944
all the time, and it's okay

385
00:20:38,023 --> 00:20:40,376
But I think the problem is human nature.

386
00:20:40,426 --> 00:20:43,664
I am thinking of evolution
The goal, we have already installed

387
00:20:43,699 --> 00:20:47,146
to stop being sexually attracted
men when they show any weaknesses.

388
00:20:47,181 --> 00:20:50,944
And I know it's true
One time I was dating this guy,

389
00:20:50,979 --> 00:20:53,707
I fell in love with him.
Like me
think we will get married.

390
00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:55,380
We walk on the road,

391
00:20:55,415 --> 00:20:58,709
and he tripped and fell.

392
00:21:02,780 --> 00:21:05,814
And I immediately fell in love with him.

393
00:21:05,879 --> 00:21:10,348
I just... Like, I can't... Like,
I feel embarrassed even being nearby.

394
00:21:10,383 --> 00:21:13,693
Like, I feel disgusted with him.

395
00:21:13,728 --> 00:21:15,269
I think my primal brain is like,

396
00:21:15,304 --> 00:21:18,075
"No, he's not a provider.

397
00:21:18,169 --> 00:21:20,407
" He can't protect you.

398
00:21:20,442 --> 00:21:23,126
"He is dangerous for you and the whole tribe.

399
00:21:23,161 --> 00:21:25,746
All species are in trouble."

400
00:21:27,708 --> 00:21:29,391
It's cold-blooded, man.

401
00:21:29,426 --> 00:21:31,248
Cold-blooded.

402
00:21:31,561 --> 00:21:34,257
I like that woman
money now
This is so cool.

403
00:21:34,292 --> 00:21:36,262
But I feel there are still
these remaining stereotypes.

404
00:21:36,297 --> 00:21:39,709
Even though women have money, there is this stereotype that all women are gold diggers.

405
00:21:39,744 --> 00:21:42,058
You know, like all of mine
friends guys really believe

406
00:21:42,093 --> 00:21:44,969
that women want to have sex with their
, get pregnant with their baby,

407
00:21:45,004 --> 00:21:47,303
and take everything
for everything they deserve

408
00:21:47,383 --> 00:21:51,181
Bring them to all... their shorts.

409
00:21:51,231 --> 00:21:54,365
I don't want your shorts.
Good?
I am not interested in.

410
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:56,819
I know that this is true,
Because last year I dated a man

411
00:21:56,901 --> 00:21:59,574
who treats me like me is a gold digger.

412
00:21:59,613 --> 00:22:02,566
Backstory: First of all,
he doesn't have a job

413
00:22:02,628 --> 00:22:03,645
That's important

414
00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:05,572
The second is the type of graphic,

415
00:22:05,645 --> 00:22:08,332
that is something
happened to me when I was 30 years old

416
00:22:08,367 --> 00:22:10,856
where I can no longer use condoms.

417
00:22:10,891 --> 00:22:12,179
- I will...
- (cheering)

418
00:22:12,214 --> 00:22:16,214
Oh well.
Well, that's very aggressive.

419
00:22:19,049 --> 00:22:21,273
Only... problem.

420
00:22:21,308 --> 00:22:25,082
No, I think it's actually
because I got health insurance.

421
00:22:25,117 --> 00:22:28,110
Something happens when you are healthy
insurance.
This is very liberating.

422
00:22:28,199 --> 00:22:30,776
I'm like, "This is
Obamacare problem now.

423
00:22:30,847 --> 00:22:32,552
That's not my problem."

424
00:22:34,140 --> 00:22:36,806
So, I said to him, I was like,
"Hey, I don't have anything,

425
00:22:36,841 --> 00:22:39,448
so if you don't have anything,
let's not use condoms."

426
00:22:39,483 --> 00:22:41,465
And he's like, "Yeah, but I feel like
we still have to use a condom, you know,

427
00:22:41,523 --> 00:22:42,818
like, so you're not pregnant."

428
00:22:42,853 --> 00:22:45,536
I'm like, "Oh, no, we're
good.
I take the pill."

429
00:22:47,367 --> 00:22:49,575
it's only 98% effective. "

430
00:22:50,721 --> 00:22:52,248
I'm like," I'm sorry.

431
00:22:52,881 --> 00:22:58,374
"What do you think I want?
Your baby is bankrupt?

432
00:22:59,647 --> 00:23:03,616
" Do you think I'm cheating?
to get your child bad?

433
00:23:03,655 --> 00:23:05,519
"So I can bring you all that is worth?

434
00:23:05,554 --> 00:23:08,310
" What will I take,
your roommate

435
00:23:09,371 --> 00:23:14,079
"The five adult men
live together in a studio apartment?

436
00:23:15,658 --> 00:23:19,154
" I am not a gold digger
one with gold, dummy.

437
00:23:19,217 --> 00:23:21,589
"Okay, believe me, if I have
pregnant with your child,

438
00:23:26,370 --> 00:23:28,582
We are good
We are fine."

439
00:23:29,783 --> 00:23:31,571
Ridiculous.

440
00:23:33,011 --> 00:23:35,665
I don't want a white baby.
What will I do with a white baby?

441
00:23:35,700 --> 00:23:38,707
That is embarrassing.

442
00:23:38,937 --> 00:23:41,895
I want to think I'm a little
more successful than that.

443
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:50,235
Takes me to my topic
very passionate,

444
00:23:50,270 --> 00:23:52,681
which is a birth control option
available for women.

445
00:23:52,716 --> 00:23:56,799
I don't believe that we don't have it
a better choice for birth control.

446
00:23:56,834 --> 00:23:59,040
They all drive me crazy.
What are you

447
00:23:59,190 --> 00:24:01,484
- What did you take?
- This is an IUD.

448
00:24:01,536 --> 00:24:04,036
You have an IUD.
Go ahead
Here, we will issue it.

449
00:24:06,033 --> 00:24:07,442
I hate this product.

450
00:24:07,513 --> 00:24:09,730
Are you plastic or metal?

451
00:24:09,817 --> 00:24:11,043
- Plastic.
- yours is plastic

452
00:24:11,101 --> 00:24:16,108
Well, he has McDonalds
toys on his body now.

453
00:24:16,447 --> 00:24:18,352
Most of them are metal, some are plastic.

454
00:24:18,387 --> 00:24:21,248
Most of them are small pieces of metal that they put into your uterus.

455
00:24:21,305 --> 00:24:24,062
I'm like, I don't want
metal in my body

456
00:24:24,097 --> 00:24:27,771
I don't want to go
through airport security

457
00:24:27,867 --> 00:24:29,998
and have people behind
X-ray machines like,

458
00:24:30,033 --> 00:24:32,842
"Oh, look at this prostitute  to stop all sperm. "

459
00:24:33,740 --> 00:24:37,222
No, I don't want metal in my body.

460
00:24:37,721 --> 00:24:41,180


461
00:24:41,451 --> 00:24:43,372


462
00:24:43,454 --> 00:24:45,506
What if there is a storm?

463
00:24:48,429 --> 00:24:51,387
"Guys, I can't
tonight, it's raining."

464
00:24:52,739 --> 00:24:53,799
I hate this product.

465
00:24:53,864 --> 00:24:56,625
Mostly because, like, they will do it
Never develop that product for men.

466
00:24:56,687 --> 00:24:58,794
It will never be a product on the market for men.

467
00:24:58,891 --> 00:25:00,440
Right?
You and I will never date,

468
00:25:00,483 --> 00:25:02,156
and you will be like, "Babe, what do we have to do for birth control?"

469
00:25:02,191 --> 00:25:05,360
I will like, "I have an idea. " What if we take a metal rod?
and place it in your pen hole,

470
00:25:05,395 --> 00:25:12,159
"and leave there for about five years,

471
00:25:12,194 --> 00:25:15,832


472
00:25:15,867 --> 00:25:19,742
or until infected.
Is that a good idea? "

473
00:25:21,384 --> 00:25:23,047
I hate this product.

474
00:25:23,082 --> 00:25:24,680
And it's like, three
page side effects

475
00:25:24,746 --> 00:25:27,968
I can't believe they release a product
with three pages of side effects. "

476
00:25:28,003 --> 00:25:30,332
I see side effects for IUDs.

477
00:25:30,394 --> 00:25:32,623
It feels like migraines,
stomach aches, and depression. "

478
00:25:32,658 --> 00:25:36,742
What about you
What are you more?

479
00:25:36,777 --> 00:25:39,694
Pills.

480
00:25:45,533 --> 00:25:47,369
Pills.
Do you know which?

481
00:25:48,141 --> 00:25:48,867


482
00:25:48,902 --> 00:25:50,755


483
00:25:50,790 --> 00:25:52,165


484
00:25:52,247 --> 00:25:53,434


485
00:25:53,469 --> 00:25:56,125
They don't even... They will do it
put something in their mouths

486
00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:59,252
They don't even care.
Like, "Oh, poison? All right."

487
00:25:59,300 --> 00:26:01,488
You don't even... You know?
what is the color of the box, at least?

488
00:26:01,523 --> 00:26:02,847
- pink
- pink

489
00:26:02,882 --> 00:26:05,582
Bastard

490
00:26:05,674 --> 00:26:07,205
I hate that.
That makes me crazy.

491
00:26:07,242 --> 00:26:10,015
Like, that's how... everything
about the pill insulted me.

492
00:26:10,050 --> 00:26:12,734
In fact they make
pink boxes
The pills are pink,

493
00:26:12,769 --> 00:26:15,385
Like all women like, love pink.

494
00:26:15,420 --> 00:26:17,593
And if the pill is pink

495
00:26:17,628 --> 00:26:20,382
influence your decision whether or not you will take it

496
00:26:20,417 --> 00:26:25,952
That means you are 10 years old and you are actually
Too young to be in birth control, okay?

497
00:26:25,987 --> 00:26:29,290
Second, if you want me to remember
Take my pill every day, don't get pink.

498
00:26:29,325 --> 00:26:32,494
Make it in the form of a crying little baby.

499
00:26:39,798 --> 00:26:41,033
I can't stand the pill.

500
00:26:41,068 --> 00:26:43,748
I actually only read this article
about how the pill works

501
00:26:43,783 --> 00:26:47,665
Basically the way the pill works is that
Your body tricks think you are pregnant.

502
00:26:47,700 --> 00:26:51,308
Your brain starts producing
with neurochemicals and hormones

503
00:26:51,343 --> 00:26:53,404
As if your body is pregnant, you know this.

504
00:26:53,439 --> 00:26:55,722
You watch Oprah.
Good boy.

505
00:26:55,757 --> 00:26:58,584
And then you start being
attracted to more alpha men.

506
00:26:58,619 --> 00:27:00,667
Their pheromones start to smell stronger,

507
00:27:00,731 --> 00:27:02,248
and you are interested in alpha men,

508
00:27:02,283 --> 00:27:04,729
types of men who can
protect your future offspring.

509
00:27:04,764 --> 00:27:06,425
The problem is that in modern times

510
00:27:06,460 --> 00:27:09,927
alpha men are marked
by tattoos and motorbikes,

511
00:27:10,032 --> 00:27:14,790
which explains why I dated
like a bastard since I was 15 years old.

512
00:27:14,825 --> 00:27:17,244
The way it works is that
I meet good and sensitive men

513
00:27:17,333 --> 00:27:18,923
I want to share my future with.

514
00:27:18,992 --> 00:27:20,850
I started taking birth control to plan it,

515
00:27:20,885 --> 00:27:24,540
and all of a sudden, I can only
Have an orgasm if I smell Ax's body spray.

516
00:27:24,575 --> 00:27:27,629
That's not fair.

517
00:27:27,783 --> 00:27:32,708
And this is an example of how biology has not been caught with modern technology.

518
00:27:32,786 --> 00:27:35,817
This is the 21st century, I don't need male alpha to protect me  We have street lights, okay?

519
00:27:35,876 --> 00:27:37,712
We have an alarm system.
I
don't need alpha male

520
00:27:37,765 --> 00:27:40,315
I need a guy with fast Wi-Fi, so I can
google "Can I consume Xanax while pregnant?"

521
00:27:40,369 --> 00:27:45,040
That is my baby's father.

522
00:27:45,141 --> 00:27:47,364
Good?
I don't need a big one,
strong people to fight a tiger

523
00:27:48,783 --> 00:27:51,968


524
00:27:52,026 --> 00:27:55,704
I need a geek who can get me
Nude photos from the clouds.

525
00:27:59,937 --> 00:28:01,472
I hate the pill.

526
00:28:01,507 --> 00:28:04,058
Everything about the packaging
The pill is very insulting.

527
00:28:04,093 --> 00:28:08,481
Like, even the fact that it's the only drug that comes with a calendar  Like we are too stupid to remember it
to take pills every day

528
00:28:08,516 --> 00:28:12,123
People who develop it like, "They can't handle taking their pills every day, " So let's look at
like a small pop-up calendar,

529
00:28:12,158 --> 00:28:15,340
"and we will deceive them
take it
They will be like,

530
00:28:15,375 --> 00:28:19,305
" 'Ooh, chocolate? Gobble, devour, devour. ""

531
00:28:19,344 --> 00:28:21,607


532
00:28:21,642 --> 00:28:25,802


533
00:28:28,162 --> 00:28:30,193
I feel like a calendar
is actually for you

534
00:28:30,228 --> 00:28:33,502
Because I know you like it, go and
see our pill at 2:00 a.m.,

535
00:28:33,576 --> 00:28:36,503
and you are like, "Oh,
Wednesday is empty, thank God."

536
00:28:38,306 --> 00:28:42,290
They try hard to try
Make sure we don't forget to take our pills.

537
00:28:42,345 --> 00:28:44,040
Like, they make a patch.

538
00:28:44,106 --> 00:28:45,368
Have you ever heard of birth control patches?

539
00:28:45,409 --> 00:28:47,791
It's like a sticker
you put on your shoulder

540
00:28:47,826 --> 00:28:50,206
who manages drugs for you.

541
00:28:50,241 --> 00:28:52,184
It's like, you can imagine
get a naked girl

542
00:28:52,219 --> 00:28:55,910
and see the giant patch?

543
00:28:55,945 --> 00:28:59,487
Like, "Ooh, he's a prostitute
and she has bad memories.

544
00:29:01,033 --> 00:29:04,655
That's the wife's material.
Put the ring in that crap."

545
00:29:08,387 --> 00:29:11,401
So, I told my doctor that I didn't want to use birth control pills again  and he is like, "Oh, all right, you
We recommend using the morning after the pill.

546
00:29:11,436 --> 00:29:14,039
You know, the B pill plan
is now available over-the-counter."

547
00:29:14,074 --> 00:29:16,479
I'm just like, "How lazy are you?"

548
00:29:16,514 --> 00:29:19,229
That person likes, "Do you have
condoms?" I like, "Ugh.

549
00:29:19,414 --> 00:29:22,129
Let's face it in the morning."

550
00:29:22,164 --> 00:29:24,747
Which, by the way, we don't
will face it in the morning

551
00:29:29,242 --> 00:29:31,376


552
00:29:31,439 --> 00:29:32,780
I have to deal with it.

553
00:29:32,843 --> 00:29:35,868
I am the one who has to wake up
at 6:00 a.m. and go stand in line.

554
00:29:35,903 --> 00:29:40,082
And you realize
morning after the pill is $ 49?

555
00:29:40,117 --> 00:29:42,915
I have never had sex with a man
and the next morning like,

556
00:29:42,981 --> 00:29:45,939
"Yes, it costs 50 dollars."

557
00:29:50,750 --> 00:29:54,415
And not just 50 dollars because of you
Can't just buy morning after pill alone

558
00:29:54,450 --> 00:29:57,207
or the cashier will consider you a prostitute.

559
00:29:57,324 --> 00:30:03,165
So you have to buy another set of products to put on it to hide.

560
00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:05,597
Do you know?
You have to master it
with like, Q-tips and threads,

561
00:30:05,632 --> 00:30:08,340
and lots of other nonsense
You will never be able to use it.

562
00:30:11,263 --> 00:30:12,806
What's more there?
Am I missing something?

563
00:30:12,841 --> 00:30:14,832
NuvaRing?
It's not
It's still happening, right?

564
00:30:14,913 --> 00:30:17,135
NuvaRing?
What are you doing?

565
00:30:17,170 --> 00:30:18,957
Pills.
What kind?
Do you know

566
00:30:19,081 --> 00:30:20,790
You are in Ortho Tri-Cyclen?

567
00:30:20,825 --> 00:30:25,071
That is 90s nonsense.
I
took it in the 90s!

568
00:30:25,106 --> 00:30:27,752
Bitch, you are loyal
I like that.

569
00:30:30,167 --> 00:30:32,004
Are you still on AOL?

570
00:30:34,803 --> 00:30:39,011
Jamming with Walkman, he
like, "Unh!"
with the CD, "Mmm."

571
00:30:44,035 --> 00:30:46,082
- NuvaRing
No answer
- Woman: yes!

572
00:30:46,117 --> 00:30:48,617
Yes, okay
Let's do
you have it now

573
00:30:50,033 --> 00:30:51,105
- Yes?
- Yes!

574
00:30:51,140 --> 00:30:54,858
Yes, okay.
Glad to hear.
I just want to get visual, thank you

575
00:30:54,948 --> 00:30:57,267
I also have to have fun here.

576
00:30:57,302 --> 00:30:59,727
I just... for me,
NuvaRing, that's just proof

577
00:30:59,762 --> 00:31:02,227
that doctors are stoned from their minds

578
00:31:02,262 --> 00:31:05,415
and just started brainstorming
ideas for female birth control.

579
00:31:05,450 --> 00:31:07,819
They are like, "Oh God,
God, I have an idea.

580
00:31:07,854 --> 00:31:11,248
" What if we take a piece of tupperware

581
00:31:11,354 --> 00:31:14,582
"and make it in the shape of our penis

582
00:31:14,617 --> 00:31:17,670
"So when we have sex we can,
like playing basketball with our penis?"

583
00:31:17,705 --> 00:31:21,044
They will be like, "Yes, two
points!
Two points
Two points!"

584
00:31:21,079 --> 00:31:23,825
The only logical explanation for that.

585
00:31:27,998 --> 00:31:29,521
I know a lot about birth control now

586
00:31:29,603 --> 00:31:32,535
because I just had to
do something cool.

587
00:31:32,570 --> 00:31:35,422
I have an announcement to make.
Do you want to hear it?

588
00:31:35,457 --> 00:31:36,968
Audience: Yes!

589
00:31:37,003 --> 00:31:39,926
Last month I froze my eggs.

590
00:31:40,033 --> 00:31:42,313
(applause)

591
00:31:42,348 --> 00:31:44,141
I always like this reaction from people.

592
00:31:44,192 --> 00:31:47,599
Because women always clap and people just panic.

593
00:31:47,777 --> 00:31:50,890
Like, they are just... they think
they are in trouble or something

594
00:31:50,925 --> 00:31:53,803
Which is very strange to me because I think
People will be happy if I freeze my egg.

595
00:31:53,842 --> 00:31:55,822
I think I will,
like, sexy and awesome girl

596
00:31:55,857 --> 00:31:57,387
who doesn't want to get pregnant now.

597
00:31:57,422 --> 00:31:59,214
But no, it's not hot.

598
00:31:59,249 --> 00:32:01,292
This is not an aphrodisiac.
People don't enter it.

599
00:32:01,353 --> 00:32:03,414
You can't hang out with a man and
He is like, "Hey, do you have a condom?"

600
00:32:03,448 --> 00:32:08,302
I'm like, "Don't worry, boo, my
Damn under the ice at the airport."

601
00:32:11,850 --> 00:32:12,943
Guy's not into it.

602
00:32:12,986 --> 00:32:14,815
Maybe it's because you don't know what it is
That's what I think.

603
00:32:14,850 --> 00:32:16,415
You know what it is

604
00:32:16,450 --> 00:32:17,748
There is no idea.

605
00:32:17,890 --> 00:32:21,703
Only based on the words of egg freezing?

606
00:32:22,953 --> 00:32:25,827
Just freeze them?
Just freeze them?

607
00:32:25,862 --> 00:32:29,138
Only... that... what moves?

608
00:32:29,173 --> 00:32:30,985
Just freeze them.

609
00:32:31,040 --> 00:32:32,845
You mean, like...
They aren't in my freezer.

610
00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:36,293
This is not like a freezer drawer.

611
00:32:36,356 --> 00:32:39,503
Just put them in the fridge.

612
00:32:39,579 --> 00:32:41,712
Just... do you know who this person is?

613
00:32:41,747 --> 00:32:43,447
Only based on your response to that,

614
00:32:43,482 --> 00:32:46,601
You look like you, like,
"Literal people," you know?

615
00:32:46,636 --> 00:32:48,128
Like, literature people every day.

616
00:32:48,187 --> 00:32:51,861
People who are arguing
just stick to the facts.

617
00:32:51,992 --> 00:32:54,913
You are a person who likes, "No,
I didn't say you were annoying,

618
00:32:54,948 --> 00:32:57,718
I said you sucks."

619
00:33:00,147 --> 00:33:03,237
And then you like, "Damn,
I have to get back together.
Hold it."

620
00:33:03,489 --> 00:33:05,415
What about you
Do you know what it is, frozen eggs?

621
00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:07,932
Yes, you do
What?

622
00:33:07,967 --> 00:33:09,109
Cryopreserve your eggs.

623
00:33:09,144 --> 00:33:11,877
Wow, good!
You cryopreserve your eggs.

624
00:33:11,912 --> 00:33:16,131
That's good.
You ever
watching some strange, clear porn.

625
00:33:16,166 --> 00:33:19,524
Yes, so the point is I just realized that most men don't know what it is.

626
00:33:19,559 --> 00:33:22,123
I found this because
the week I froze it,

627
00:33:22,158 --> 00:33:24,040
I have to rest in bed for a few days,

628
00:33:24,075 --> 00:33:25,154
and I have to cancel the gig.

629
00:33:25,189 --> 00:33:28,018
So, I said my agent can you tell
My manager needs to reschedule it.

630
00:33:28,062 --> 00:33:30,592
I go to the rescheduling date,
the manager goes to me,

631
00:33:30,666 --> 00:33:35,979
he is like, "Are you okay?
hear your ovaries are released!"

632
00:33:36,014 --> 00:33:38,582
I'm like, "Okay, let's
just talk about this."

633
00:33:38,617 --> 00:33:39,945
So, essentially, you freeze your eggs

634
00:33:39,980 --> 00:33:42,449
If you want to get pregnant
Some point, but not right now.

635
00:33:42,484 --> 00:33:44,781
Like, I'm not ready yet.
I will
want to have children at some point,

636
00:33:44,848 --> 00:33:46,771
but I'm not responsible enough.

637
00:33:46,853 --> 00:33:49,574
I still leave coffee in
over my car like twice a day.

638
00:33:49,609 --> 00:33:53,248
I shouldn't be a mother now.

639
00:33:53,283 --> 00:33:55,791
And biology is once again reversed.

640
00:33:55,826 --> 00:34:00,074
Like, it's ridiculous for me a
15 The 15-year-old girl can get pregnant easily,

641
00:34:00,109 --> 00:34:02,191
but 45 years old
women can't

642
00:34:02,226 --> 00:34:05,233
Like, I've never met a
15 year old girl and it's like that,

643
00:34:05,268 --> 00:34:08,025
"You will be a great mother.

644
00:34:08,242 --> 00:34:10,045
" Love your own Instagram.

645
00:34:10,117 --> 00:34:14,665
I think you are ready to be
responsible for human life. "

646
00:34:14,700 --> 00:34:17,940
No. And all my friends come in
40s they are fucking awesome.

647
00:34:17,975 --> 00:34:19,790
They are all like superheroes,
they can do anything...

648
00:34:19,825 --> 00:34:21,457
like that it's nothing

649
00:34:21,492 --> 00:34:23,498
I have a boyfriend, he is 45,
He can return an item in the store

650
00:34:23,533 --> 00:34:25,748
without receipt

651
00:34:25,874 --> 00:34:29,540
It's like Jason
Bourne is unlucky there.

652
00:34:29,575 --> 00:34:31,489
I am very happy because I did it.

653
00:34:35,093 --> 00:34:38,474
I feel like letting go of all this
The pressure I have on me, you know?

654
00:34:40,955 --> 00:34:42,116


655
00:34:42,151 --> 00:34:45,367


656
00:34:45,451 --> 00:34:46,938
Like, I realized before I freeze my egg,

657
00:34:46,973 --> 00:34:49,290
there is only this
constant inner monologue

658
00:34:49,325 --> 00:34:50,781
it's like, "what is this
the man you're going to live?

659
00:34:50,862 --> 00:34:52,545
If not, you have to do it
continue to someone else."

660
00:34:52,580 --> 00:34:55,357
And I feel I have to do it
achieve all my professional goals

661
00:34:55,392 --> 00:34:56,820
At my time, like, 35.

662
00:34:56,855 --> 00:34:58,904
And that's just behind
from my mind all the time

663
00:34:58,939 --> 00:35:01,433
Like, I will be in traffic, and
I will be like, "You guys, let's go!

664
00:35:01,468 --> 00:35:03,460
" I rot from inside!

665
00:35:03,528 --> 00:35:05,642
"We have to move, okay?

666
00:35:05,677 --> 00:35:09,664
The uterus is being printed, let's move!"

667
00:35:12,602 --> 00:35:14,747
I feel like you
never understand that pressure

668
00:35:14,782 --> 00:35:16,637
because you don't have that clock

669
00:35:16,672 --> 00:35:18,290
People can have children as early as they want.

670
00:35:18,325 --> 00:35:20,788
Clint Eastwood has small children
in like, 70 years.

671
00:35:20,823 --> 00:35:22,712
Robert De Niro has one in like, 68,

672
00:35:22,747 --> 00:35:24,474
which is very strange to me

673
00:35:24,509 --> 00:35:26,993
The idea of having children at 68 years of age.

674
00:35:27,028 --> 00:35:31,491
It's like being like, "I really want it
a child, but only for, like, 10 years.

675
00:35:33,699 --> 00:35:36,781
" And I want to be deaf
for the most part.
That... "

676
00:35:40,226 --> 00:35:42,166
I am very glad I did it.
I took all this pressure off.

677
00:35:42,203 --> 00:35:45,552
Like, I used to stress this
The case, now I'm just cold, man.

678
00:35:45,658 --> 00:35:46,497
So easy.

679
00:35:46,563 --> 00:35:48,596
Like, my agent called me,
He was like, "Where is the script?"

680
00:35:48,631 --> 00:35:51,924
I'm like, "I don't know, I'm as tall as a fuck.

681
00:35:53,533 --> 00:35:57,043
" Call Sarah Silverman or bullshit, man.

682
00:35:57,078 --> 00:36:01,165
Because I'm watching 'Game
from the Throne again today. "

683
00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:03,075
Hey, camera.

684
00:36:06,742 --> 00:36:08,117
I thank you.

685
00:36:10,658 --> 00:36:12,075
You freeze your eggs
for some reason. at some point,

686
00:36:12,126 --> 00:36:13,867


687
00:36:13,902 --> 00:36:15,822


688
00:36:15,911 --> 00:36:18,074
which I am somewhat obsessed with
ideas for getting a replacement.

689
00:36:18,109 --> 00:36:20,274
It's like you hired a woman
to bring your child to you,

690
00:36:20,333 --> 00:36:22,209
which I really want to do at some point.

691
00:36:22,244 --> 00:36:23,956
But I feel guilty about the idea

692
00:36:23,991 --> 00:36:25,330
because when you get a replacement,

693
00:36:25,427 --> 00:36:29,673
You are basically, like, asking others
women to do your dirty work for you

694
00:36:29,787 --> 00:36:31,415
It's like, worse than
a man gets a prostitute

695
00:36:31,450 --> 00:36:34,338
Because when you get a prostitute, you
just want to use a woman's body for an hour.

696
00:36:34,397 --> 00:36:36,716
I want to use it for nine months,

697
00:36:36,751 --> 00:36:37,835
and really destroy it.

698
00:36:37,870 --> 00:36:41,241
I will really destroy that crap.

699
00:36:46,997 --> 00:36:48,746
Not good.

700
00:36:48,835 --> 00:36:53,175
I just feel like I like my child
especially if I don't bring my child.

701
00:36:54,950 --> 00:36:57,165
Does that make sense?

702
00:36:57,200 --> 00:36:59,883
Like, I am very supportive
mother of a toddler and tiara.

703
00:36:59,918 --> 00:37:01,214
I think those children must work.

704
00:37:01,249 --> 00:37:03,882
I think they have to knock
dancing to pay for all damage

705
00:37:03,931 --> 00:37:06,230
they do to those poor women.

706
00:37:07,341 --> 00:37:09,696
Although I feel like you
have a replacement for your child

707
00:37:09,731 --> 00:37:11,731
You can't control
children too
You know?

708
00:37:11,766 --> 00:37:14,268
Like, the way my mother used
made me guilty of doing things

709
00:37:14,303 --> 00:37:17,730
whether he will like, "I
take you for nine months."

710
00:37:17,765 --> 00:37:19,426
I will like, "Oh...

711
00:37:19,461 --> 00:37:21,586
That's good."

712
00:37:21,621 --> 00:37:23,377
But if, like, I have a
replacement, what will I say?

713
00:37:23,412 --> 00:37:28,794
I will be like, "I have to
drive 10 minutes to pick you up

714
00:37:28,829 --> 00:37:31,079
Traffic is a nightmare."

715
00:37:34,260 --> 00:37:36,998
Yes, it's not as good.

716
00:37:37,123 --> 00:37:40,633
When you freeze your eggs, the doctor
asks you if you want to get a donor,

717
00:37:40,687 --> 00:37:41,677
like a sperm donor.

718
00:37:41,712 --> 00:37:43,816
Because if you want
freeze the embryo, you know

719
00:37:43,872 --> 00:37:47,781
Like, basically it is if you freeze an
embryo, that means the sperm fertilizes an egg,

720
00:37:47,843 --> 00:37:53,255
and I like, "I don't have sperm
available at my house right now."

721
00:37:53,290 --> 00:37:56,247
So, he was like, "Maybe you should get a
donor." And I'm not really ready for that,

722
00:37:56,282 --> 00:37:59,893
But I'm very obsessed with the type
people who will become sperm donors.

723
00:37:59,975 --> 00:38:02,233
So, I'm online and I'm
like on the donor site.

724
00:38:02,268 --> 00:38:05,108
You will think that sperm donors
are complete losers
Not true.

725
00:38:05,143 --> 00:38:08,858
In order to become a sperm donor,
you must be at least 5'8. "

726
00:38:08,994 --> 00:38:14,450
I'm like, forgive me, what a shallow bitch of 45 years old,

727
00:38:14,532 --> 00:38:16,343
not married, no choice,

728
00:38:16,378 --> 00:38:17,827
Enter a sperm bank, like,

729
00:38:17,862 --> 00:38:20,207
"Oh, 5'7"?
Forget it.

730
00:38:20,281 --> 00:38:25,252
"I will look for Farmers
Just and take my chance.

731
00:38:25,306 --> 00:38:27,848
Fuck that weird is midget."

732
00:38:31,036 --> 00:38:32,707
And to be a sperm donor,

733
00:38:32,742 --> 00:38:35,619
You must have at least
four years of college.

734
00:38:35,654 --> 00:38:38,448
I'm like, I don't want my sperm
donor to have four years of college.

735
00:38:38,484 --> 00:38:40,408
Because if you have four years of college

736
00:38:40,443 --> 00:38:43,832
and you jerked into a cup for $ 100,

737
00:38:43,867 --> 00:38:46,748
You are a drug addict.

738
00:38:46,783 --> 00:38:49,019
And if you don't have four college years

739
00:38:49,054 --> 00:38:51,435
and you jerked into a cup for $ 100,

740
00:38:51,470 --> 00:38:55,444
you are an entrepreneur
and I like your crowd

741
00:38:55,499 --> 00:38:58,498
You can be my baby's father at any time.

742
00:38:58,753 --> 00:39:01,033
- Man: I will!
- You will?

743
00:39:01,068 --> 00:39:02,132
I'm good.

744
00:39:05,314 --> 00:39:06,689
Pass.

745
00:39:09,611 --> 00:39:11,193
Makes me a problem.

746
00:39:11,231 --> 00:39:12,066
I was cheated.

747
00:39:12,101 --> 00:39:14,232
Has anyone been cheated?

748
00:39:14,572 --> 00:39:16,371
OK, okay, you have all been cheated,

749
00:39:16,406 --> 00:39:18,496
as long as you know.

750
00:39:18,593 --> 00:39:21,093
Sorry you have to find out like this.

751
00:39:26,325 --> 00:39:27,784
I like the most stupid way.

752
00:39:27,827 --> 00:39:31,373
We are in the cinema and I
drop my phone between chairs.

753
00:39:31,408 --> 00:39:34,582
So, I asked if I could
use the phone to call my phone.

754
00:39:34,617 --> 00:39:38,084
I hold the phone
for maybe eight minutes

755
00:39:38,119 --> 00:39:42,957
He got three different text messages
from a girl he programmed on his phone

756
00:39:42,992 --> 00:39:46,451
as "Sandylicious."

757
00:39:46,486 --> 00:39:50,422
Think about this.
Right thinking
about how hot a girl is

758
00:39:50,457 --> 00:39:56,233
for a man to take the time to program
in that damn name for so long.

759
00:39:56,268 --> 00:40:01,730
He is like,
"S-A-N-D-Y-L-I-C-I..."

760
00:40:01,811 --> 00:40:04,049
And you know that nonsense
autocorrected like six times,

761
00:40:04,084 --> 00:40:06,373
so he must go back to the beginning.

762
00:40:06,454 --> 00:40:09,290
"SAND,
dirt.

763
00:40:09,325 --> 00:40:11,928
"S-A... Still worth...

764
00:40:11,970 --> 00:40:15,199
D-I-L-I..."

765
00:40:15,234 --> 00:40:16,617
So, I have to face him
about that
I like,

766
00:40:16,652 --> 00:40:20,147
"Hey, why is there a girl named Sandylicious
SMS at midnight on Friday?"

767
00:40:20,182 --> 00:40:23,346
And he said, "Oh, he's my friend."

768
00:40:23,381 --> 00:40:25,192
Why don't you hit me on tit?

769
00:40:25,227 --> 00:40:29,372
It won't be too insulting
for my intelligence

770
00:40:29,407 --> 00:40:33,137
Like, I'm just curious, have I
ever worked in a history of time?

771
00:40:33,174 --> 00:40:35,808
Are there girls who have ever been
jealous of panic

772
00:40:35,843 --> 00:40:38,258
and the man is like, "Oh, he's
my friend," and the girl is like,

773
00:40:38,320 --> 00:40:41,646
"Oh my God, I'm very sorry!

774
00:40:41,730 --> 00:40:44,082
"I really overreact.

775
00:40:44,117 --> 00:40:48,415
" Back to texting
bro, Sandylicious. "

776
00:40:48,542 --> 00:40:50,258
No!
I have many
male friends on my phone,

777
00:40:50,293 --> 00:40:53,440
none of them are programmed
under" Joey's delicate penis. "

778
00:40:53,529 --> 00:40:55,760
That is not my friend.

779
00:40:55,953 --> 00:40:57,709
We are not friends

780
00:41:00,570 --> 00:41:01,805
= = I feel you don't know this.

781
00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:04,251
It's also very clear when
You were lied to by a man

782
00:41:04,286 --> 00:41:06,921
Because you all lied in exactly the same way.

783
00:41:06,956 --> 00:41:11,171
You need to hold a meeting,
or start a chatroom or something.

784
00:41:11,206 --> 00:41:13,715
Because you know you
are lied to by a man

785
00:41:13,750 --> 00:41:19,215
because he will repeat
The question you asked him the answer

786
00:41:19,768 --> 00:41:22,484
to buy time to make lies.

787
00:41:22,519 --> 00:41:24,998
So, I would like, "Hey, where are you going to 3:00 in the morning?"  "Where am I? Until 3:00?

788
00:41:25,202 --> 00:41:29,699
" In the morning? "

789
00:41:31,325 --> 00:41:33,707
It's like, can you arrange it
lie in the car like an adult, please?

790
00:41:34,716 --> 00:41:38,897
Can I at least get that respect ?

791
00:41:38,997 --> 00:41:41,135
And you know you've started
Lying when a man leaves,

792
00:41:41,170 --> 00:41:42,797
"Ugh, alright... all right
Do you want me to say it now? "

793
00:41:42,832 --> 00:41:46,101
Do you want me to make your lie?

794
00:41:48,742 --> 00:41:52,082


795
00:41:52,274 --> 00:41:54,762
How lazy can it be?

796
00:41:54,855 --> 00:41:56,459
And then you know you get
cheated when a man goes,

797
00:41:56,494 --> 00:42:00,080
"Well, what is the definition of your cheating?"

798
00:42:00,115 --> 00:42:03,504
I like, "Eh, if it's already
it's fun without me, you're cheating.

799
00:42:03,539 --> 00:42:05,372
It's very simple."

800
00:42:08,298 --> 00:42:12,013
Another announcement that must be made, namely...

801
00:42:12,158 --> 00:42:15,041
Cheating at the moment is very difficult for me

802
00:42:15,088 --> 00:42:18,237
because when I'm in my house
20s, no one has ever admitted this,

803
00:42:18,272 --> 00:42:20,320
But when I was 20, I cheat.

804
00:42:20,419 --> 00:42:22,461
Now your time, kid.
Life is

805
00:42:24,393 --> 00:42:26,614
I... I cheat in my hand
20s because I'm an idiot.

806
00:42:26,649 --> 00:42:28,438
I feel insecure and I'm worried

807
00:42:28,488 --> 00:42:31,055
the person I met will
leave me to someone else

808
00:42:31,120 --> 00:42:34,644
Who cares about the reason?
The point is
Being deceived now is even worse

809
00:42:34,717 --> 00:42:38,033
because I know who you are
do because I've done it,

810
00:42:38,113 --> 00:42:39,487
and you're dirty

811
00:42:39,522 --> 00:42:42,737
I used to do shadiest
Things when I used to cheat.

812
00:42:42,772 --> 00:42:46,415
I used to program a boy's name
on my phone as another thing

813
00:42:46,450 --> 00:42:49,231
Being a dating guy isn't
knowing what is happening, you know

814
00:42:49,266 --> 00:42:54,349
And then he became like, "Hey, why does the Bank of America say you at 2:00 a.m.?"  "That's weird.

815
00:43:01,416 --> 00:43:04,915


816
00:43:04,950 --> 00:43:07,957
"You know, they really
improve their customer service.

817
00:43:07,992 --> 00:43:10,481
" They really want to make
Of course my check is clean.

818
00:43:10,516 --> 00:43:13,842
I will thank them in the morning. "

819
00:43:13,877 --> 00:43:17,950
He is like," Okay, yeah, why?
Rite Aid only sends you photos of the penis? "

820
00:43:21,255 --> 00:43:23,248
" Strange!

821
00:43:23,283 --> 00:43:24,965
"That's disgusting.

822
00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:28,117
We switch to Walgreens tomorrow!"

823
00:43:30,867 --> 00:43:34,915
I don't know whether, in general, like
a society is getting rough,

824
00:43:34,985 --> 00:43:37,609
or if the internet alone
brings it to the surface,

825
00:43:37,691 --> 00:43:40,973
But I just think, in general,
There is a movement towards deviation

826
00:43:41,008 --> 00:43:42,644
that feels new to me.

827
00:43:42,687 --> 00:43:46,633
The first thing that made me
Think about this a few months ago,

828
00:43:46,709 --> 00:43:47,895
I dated a man,

829
00:43:47,977 --> 00:43:49,490
then we go on a second date.

830
00:43:49,571 --> 00:43:53,983
On the second date, he asked me if I could spray

831
00:43:57,788 --> 00:43:59,850
Let's talk about it.

832
00:44:02,250 --> 00:44:05,609
Listen, first of all, I don't spray.

833
00:44:05,644 --> 00:44:10,515
Just so you know, I'm not a
squirter
I don't spray it.

834
00:44:10,550 --> 00:44:13,081
I am not a woman who cheats.

835
00:44:13,116 --> 00:44:17,789
I don't know if I'm only dehydrated?

836
00:44:17,908 --> 00:44:20,309
If I need more Gatorades in my life?

837
00:44:20,382 --> 00:44:22,298
I don't spray, okay?

838
00:44:22,333 --> 00:44:24,940
I mean, if you want, I will compromise,

839
00:44:24,975 --> 00:44:28,261
and I will pee on you

840
00:44:28,296 --> 00:44:30,561
I prefer not, but if that's what you do,

841
00:44:30,616 --> 00:44:33,793
I'm sure I can make urine.

842
00:44:34,613 --> 00:44:37,977
I have to turn it on
tap
I'm not into it.

843
00:44:38,075 --> 00:44:39,334
This is... This is new.

844
00:44:39,378 --> 00:44:42,201
This is a new thing.
Five years ago, I have never heard of spraying.

845
00:44:42,236 --> 00:44:43,786
Good?
Five years ago, I felt like

846
00:44:43,821 --> 00:44:46,959
It's dirty, all taboo
want their girl to do is anal.

847
00:44:47,012 --> 00:44:48,320
It's all about anal, right?

848
00:44:48,355 --> 00:44:51,612
Now anal like... you
just need to do that now

849
00:44:51,709 --> 00:44:54,101
This isn't even weird anymore.

850
00:44:54,136 --> 00:44:55,949
It's just, like, on the menu.

851
00:44:56,054 --> 00:44:59,929
This is not just for birthday
anymore.
Is going.

852
00:45:01,885 --> 00:45:05,054
Which, I don't think it's okay.
I
think we need to make it weird again.

853
00:45:05,089 --> 00:45:07,221
I think we need to make it a taboo again.

854
00:45:07,325 --> 00:45:09,584
This is how I know anal
sex has become mainstream.

855
00:45:09,619 --> 00:45:12,480
I have a boyfriend, he has a daughter who is 16 years old  He goes to Catholic school,

856
00:45:12,515 --> 00:45:13,655
and he said that his girlfriend entered
16 year old Catholic school

857
00:45:13,689 --> 00:45:17,344
now having anal sex
not regular sex

858
00:45:17,426 --> 00:45:20,993
so they don't technically lose their virginity  Right?
Have you ever heard it?

859
00:45:21,028 --> 00:45:23,540


860
00:45:23,575 --> 00:45:25,207


861
00:45:25,400 --> 00:45:30,171
My thing is if you have
anal sex at the age of 16 years  to stay right with God,

862
00:45:30,206 --> 00:45:32,484
I have news for you.

863
00:45:32,519 --> 00:45:34,498
There is no God.

864
00:45:35,528 --> 00:45:37,368
Get a new religion
Your god damn hates you.

865
00:45:37,463 --> 00:45:40,981
No. Stay away from
my ass
I have a home.

866
00:45:42,207 --> 00:45:45,894
No.

867
00:45:47,572 --> 00:45:48,957
I have worked too hard.

868
00:45:49,172 --> 00:45:51,915
That is my point
You
start not thanking you.

869
00:45:51,950 --> 00:45:53,607
You have forgotten this reality

870
00:45:53,662 --> 00:45:54,858
that our body is perfectly designed
to have sex with you, anatomically.

871
00:45:54,893 --> 00:45:59,129
Whatever you believe. Say, this is true
evolution or god.
Say you believe in God.

872
00:45:59,190 --> 00:46:02,897


873
00:46:02,955 --> 00:46:07,296
God designs perfectly
A woman's body has sex with you.

874
00:46:07,331 --> 00:46:11,028
Right?
Vagina here
Perfect placement

875
00:46:11,063 --> 00:46:14,248
Boobs here if you want a little...

876
00:46:14,390 --> 00:46:15,636
Perfect.

877
00:46:15,686 --> 00:46:18,638
The head moves back and forth just in case
you don't want to see his face.

878
00:46:21,025 --> 00:46:23,810
God thinks everything.

879
00:46:23,949 --> 00:46:26,036
And then God is putting
women's bodies together and like,

880
00:46:26,081 --> 00:46:29,309
"Ugh, there's another hole.

881
00:46:29,714 --> 00:46:32,091
" This is a terrible hole.

882
00:46:32,393 --> 00:46:34,762
"Terrible things come out of it.

883
00:46:34,797 --> 00:46:36,498
" This sucks.

884
00:46:36,693 --> 00:46:42,707
We can't put it in front or else
Men will never have sex with women. "

885
00:46:42,839 --> 00:46:44,582
Like God, "Do you know what I will do?

886
00:46:45,543 --> 00:46:47,034
" I will hide it.

887
00:46:48,803 --> 00:46:51,675
"I'll put it behind

888
00:46:51,710 --> 00:46:55,450
" in, like, ravine.

889
00:46:58,492 --> 00:47:03,415
"I will put a large chunk of fat on both sides.

890
00:47:03,594 --> 00:47:06,868
" He will never even know it's there
Can walk naked, he will never see it.

891
00:47:06,903 --> 00:47:09,448
"This is genius. Genius!

892
00:47:10,606 --> 00:47:13,396
" The woman's body is complete. "

893
00:47:17,020 --> 00:47:21,586
Cut to God looking down now.
A man like," Eh, eh, ehh... "

894
00:47:21,621 --> 00:47:24,873
Like God, "Oh, my God!

895
00:47:25,025 --> 00:47:27,769
"How can they find it?

896
00:47:27,871 --> 00:47:30,832
" I hid the object pretty well.

897
00:47:30,923 --> 00:47:33,424
They are animals! "

898
00:47:33,459 --> 00:47:36,462
No. Uh-eh.
No.
No.
Noah-eh.

899
00:47:36,497 --> 00:47:38,665
No No spraying.
No.

900
00:47:38,820 --> 00:47:41,707
We started a movement here
tonight.
Hashtags don't spray.

901
00:47:41,742 --> 00:47:44,123
Go

902
00:47:44,442 --> 00:47:47,133
No, you know why?
His...
You are now pushing now.

903
00:47:47,168 --> 00:47:49,373
You are ungrateful, you are
spoiled, and you push it

904
00:47:49,408 --> 00:47:52,415
Like, is our body not
Is there enough to be amazing?

905
00:47:52,450 --> 00:47:54,007
Quite a lot of magic?

906
00:47:54,042 --> 00:47:57,880
We can make a living.
We can get
pregnant.
We can breastfeed our baby.

907
00:47:57,988 --> 00:48:01,769
We can give you orgasms. extinguish the fire?

908
00:48:01,804 --> 00:48:03,727
This is too much.

909
00:48:03,879 --> 00:48:06,344
That's too much.

910
00:48:06,379 --> 00:48:08,214
And I'm a very cunning person.

911
00:48:08,318 --> 00:48:11,328
The fact that something is
I won't do it, it's not good.

912
00:48:11,372 --> 00:48:14,519
It's from the grid, okay?

913
00:48:14,554 --> 00:48:17,560
I will do anything
I will really
do anything because I'm fun

914
00:48:17,610 --> 00:48:19,825
I'm fun

915
00:48:19,860 --> 00:48:22,164
I will do anything
Do you want
?
Hit me
Big.

916
00:48:22,199 --> 00:48:24,309
Go for it
I will try not to laugh,

917
00:48:24,344 --> 00:48:26,123
but go for it

918
00:48:26,158 --> 00:48:28,618
Choking, that's new.
Everyone has to choke now?

919
00:48:28,653 --> 00:48:30,452
Check me.
Big.
Check me.

920
00:48:30,487 --> 00:48:33,893
I will even throw a little "Ehh..."

921
00:48:37,481 --> 00:48:40,873
I am fun!
I'm fun.

922
00:48:41,109 --> 00:48:42,732
But you push it now, okay?

923
00:48:42,767 --> 00:48:45,170
I don't spray.
Who has time for that?

924
00:48:45,205 --> 00:48:49,079
Good?
I will not clean the spray.
No.

925
00:48:49,114 --> 00:48:51,707
I have a job.
I don't have time for that.

926
00:48:51,742 --> 00:48:56,385
You have to go home
Depot, you have to get a tarpaulin,

927
00:48:56,420 --> 00:49:00,623
You have to put the tarpaulin.
I am a bedroom like Dexter's garage.

928
00:49:01,447 --> 00:49:03,159
I don't live like that.

929
00:49:04,738 --> 00:49:07,999
Is sex not awkward
enough before spraying?

930
00:49:08,034 --> 00:49:09,584
Do you remember
talk awkwardly before making love?

931
00:49:09,619 --> 00:49:11,775
It used to be like "Hey,
Do you have a condom?"

932
00:49:11,810 --> 00:49:15,200
Now it's like, "Hey, do you have ShamWow?

933
00:49:19,471 --> 00:49:22,158
Damn, it's crazy."

934
00:49:23,700 --> 00:49:24,744
You don't want me to spray.

935
00:49:24,779 --> 00:49:26,846
You don't want me to spray
because if I can spray,

936
00:49:26,881 --> 00:49:30,596
I will use it for crime all the time.

937
00:49:30,676 --> 00:49:31,954
Whenever I am in my boyfriend's car,

938
00:49:32,006 --> 00:49:35,178
I will like, "You sure so
want the girl's text back?

939
00:49:39,072 --> 00:49:40,664
I don't think so."

940
00:49:43,895 --> 00:49:47,595
I am worried.
I am worried
the next generation of boys

941
00:49:47,630 --> 00:49:49,333
Because now guys in their homes...

942
00:49:49,368 --> 00:49:53,514
Teenage kids, they watch porn movies now before
they have actually seen naked women.

943
00:49:53,549 --> 00:49:55,987
Before they actually have
sex, they watch porn movies

944
00:49:56,022 --> 00:49:58,086
And they think that will happen.

945
00:49:58,128 --> 00:50:03,568
They think that a woman is fair
this human Bellagio fountain,

946
00:50:03,662 --> 00:50:06,582
just squirting constantly.

947
00:50:06,617 --> 00:50:08,034
They think they will go in there.

948
00:50:08,069 --> 00:50:09,626
Remember the generation of our sons,

949
00:50:09,707 --> 00:50:13,040
they will appear to lose them
virginity with likes, roses.

950
00:50:13,105 --> 00:50:17,144
Now children appear to lose their virginity
with only snorkels, umbrellas,

951
00:50:17,179 --> 00:50:19,179
only fins.

952
00:50:21,658 --> 00:50:23,143
This is not healthy.

953
00:50:23,221 --> 00:50:26,190
Everything just increases
too far, too fast

954
00:50:26,225 --> 00:50:28,459
Do you remember, like, the good
old days, like our generation,

955
00:50:28,494 --> 00:50:32,028
It used to be, as before
basic and second base, remember?

956
00:50:32,063 --> 00:50:34,674
It used to be like before
Basic, like, kissing.

957
00:50:34,728 --> 00:50:37,702
Remember?
The second basis is,
You know, take it off.

958
00:50:37,737 --> 00:50:39,863
Now it's greatly increased.
This is very extreme.

959
00:50:39,898 --> 00:50:43,109
Well, like, first base is just sex.

960
00:50:43,144 --> 00:50:46,415
Second basis, squirting.

961
00:50:46,612 --> 00:50:49,707
Third base, gangbang.

962
00:50:49,742 --> 00:50:54,938
A home run, he just takes you out in the
alley, kills you, jerks from your body.

963
00:50:59,026 --> 00:51:01,693
This is a war zone out there, man.

964
00:51:01,783 --> 00:51:05,248
Because one day, you will do it
be insensitive to spray.

965
00:51:05,283 --> 00:51:07,956
One day, it will get boring
you, then what will we do?

966
00:51:07,991 --> 00:51:11,867
We only need to pull out the intestine and throw it into your face?

967
00:51:19,325 --> 00:51:20,660
That's not good.

968
00:51:20,748 --> 00:51:21,790
I think we have to draw lines.

969
00:51:21,866 --> 00:51:23,908
We have to just drop it.
This is too tight.

970
00:51:23,943 --> 00:51:27,699
It's like every week you come
out in a new way to embarrass us.

971
00:51:27,954 --> 00:51:30,371
You want to have sex with our breasts now.

972
00:51:33,561 --> 00:51:37,270
Do you want to squeeze our
boobs and fuck them?

973
00:51:42,788 --> 00:51:44,454
What are you doing?

974
00:51:46,090 --> 00:51:48,498
Which man has sex
with a woman and like,

975
00:51:48,533 --> 00:51:53,438
"Ugh, this pussy feels awful, ugh.

976
00:51:54,075 --> 00:51:57,920
" I hope I have another
it's really dry

977
00:51:59,290 --> 00:52:01,029
I know what to do. "

978
00:52:03,158 --> 00:52:06,165
No, it's my heart, you're an idiot!

979
00:52:06,285 --> 00:52:09,044
Get your dick from my heart.

980
00:52:14,349 --> 00:52:16,240
You've been spoiled.
You have too many choices.

981
00:52:16,275 --> 00:52:18,535
That's the problem, you also
many choices
You guys like...

982
00:52:27,408 --> 00:52:29,211
This is not
Whac-A-Mole.

983
00:52:31,553 --> 00:52:34,685
I am a human.

984
00:52:34,720 --> 00:52:37,847
I have feelings and dreams.

985
00:52:37,936 --> 00:52:39,734
And parents.

986
00:52:43,492 --> 00:52:45,470
You push them

987
00:52:45,538 --> 00:52:49,285
It's getting more... Like, I just feel
like you never come back from that,

988
00:52:49,320 --> 00:52:50,959
have a man...

989
00:52:52,814 --> 00:52:54,872
torso in...

990
00:52:57,291 --> 00:52:59,105
face.

991
00:52:59,218 --> 00:53:01,824
I feel like one day, someday
I will become a mother right?

992
00:53:01,892 --> 00:53:04,180
Thanks to the miracle of egg freezing.

993
00:53:04,215 --> 00:53:07,441
One day I will become a mother.
I
will hold my beautiful baby,

994
00:53:07,476 --> 00:53:11,165
I will look down
my beautiful eyes,

995
00:53:11,200 --> 00:53:13,964
we will experience this
beautiful mother-child bond,

996
00:53:14,061 --> 00:53:19,252
and then I will only have flashbacks
for just dick just dick, just dick...

997
00:53:25,203 --> 00:53:28,825
Not what I want
motherhood to go down

998
00:53:28,895 --> 00:53:32,404
Excuse me, I have to fix it
Hair after my cock hits it.

999
00:53:34,533 --> 00:53:36,898
You become insensitive,
and like, I feel like you

1000
00:53:36,964 --> 00:53:39,115
increasingly fierce towards us too.

1001
00:53:39,150 --> 00:53:43,540
It's like, your new thing
want to do is choke?

1002
00:53:43,687 --> 00:53:53,248
(choke)

1003
00:53:53,335 --> 00:53:54,252
Is that sexy for you?

1004
00:53:54,304 --> 00:53:56,602
(resume choking)

1005
00:53:57,551 --> 00:53:58,890
You go to that, sir

1006
00:54:11,606 --> 00:54:14,023
You go into it
Is that your thing?

1007
00:54:26,469 --> 00:54:29,005
If you go inside, just go to jail now.

1008
00:54:30,141 --> 00:54:32,604
You will end there eventually.

1009
00:54:32,639 --> 00:54:38,957
What, you want to put you
Dick in our throat until we...

1010
00:54:39,174 --> 00:54:43,796
That's where I breathe out.
Do you want to fuck my oxygen supply now?

1011
00:54:43,831 --> 00:54:45,998
Is that what happened?

1012
00:54:47,025 --> 00:54:49,900
Do you even like me?
Should I leave?

1013
00:54:52,124 --> 00:54:53,695
Like, what is psychology?

1014
00:54:53,730 --> 00:54:56,808
Psychology is like, "Yes, my big penis will make it vomit."

1015
00:54:56,843 --> 00:55:00,281
You know what else was made
I vomited
A gelcap NyQuil.

1016
00:55:04,220 --> 00:55:06,095
This is not a big problem.

1017
00:55:12,477 --> 00:55:13,602
I ask a male friend about this.

1018
00:55:13,658 --> 00:55:14,940
I'm like, "What's wrong?
with choking things?

1019
00:55:14,975 --> 00:55:16,299
What happens to chokes?"

1020
00:55:16,334 --> 00:55:20,040
He said, "Oh, choking is incredible
Because that makes the girl cry."

1021
00:55:20,205 --> 00:55:21,843
What ?!

1022
00:55:21,878 --> 00:55:24,084
I think people hate it when we cry?

1023
00:55:24,119 --> 00:55:26,069
Now I know when people go
the room when I cry

1024
00:55:26,104 --> 00:55:29,236
They go to the bathroom to jerk.

1025
00:55:29,346 --> 00:55:31,496
Freaks

1026
00:55:31,550 --> 00:55:33,790
I don't like it.

1027
00:55:33,894 --> 00:55:36,170
I only think about all this
and I like, you know what?

1028
00:55:36,205 --> 00:55:38,375
I just feel like a woman,
we are always people

1029
00:55:38,464 --> 00:55:43,054
must do dirty, curly,
naughty, tricks in the bedroom

1030
00:55:43,089 --> 00:55:46,295
I feel like you need to come
up with some damn tricks.

1031
00:55:47,867 --> 00:55:50,006
(cheering)

1032
00:55:50,067 --> 00:55:51,794
Thank you.

1033
00:55:51,857 --> 00:55:53,957
I will attack you, okay?

1034
00:55:53,992 --> 00:55:56,665
I will learn to spray

1035
00:55:56,700 --> 00:56:01,433
if you teach your penis
how to blow bubbles

1036
00:56:04,452 --> 00:56:07,964
Thank you very much
come out for the show, everyone!

1037
00:56:07,999 --> 00:56:10,082
Thank you!

1038
00:56:10,117 --> 00:56:12,575
(cheering)

1039
00:56:19,325 --> 00:56:20,790
Thank you!

1040
00:56:20,996 --> 00:56:23,121
Hi, cuties!

1041
00:56:28,431 --> 00:56:29,743
Thank you!

1042
00:56:29,778 --> 00:56:32,139
First and foremost...

1043
00:56:36,202 --> 00:56:39,082
I just want to thank you
so much for getting out

1044
00:56:39,214 --> 00:56:41,790
It's always a dream so big
from me to have a special HBO,

1045
00:56:41,825 --> 00:56:43,582
so this is a very big problem for me.

1046
00:56:43,617 --> 00:56:47,207
Thank you.
Thank you.

1047
00:56:47,323 --> 00:56:51,688
Um, and I want to dedicate this
specifically to my father  Who is currently experiencing something?

1048
00:56:51,777 --> 00:56:53,825
Keep fighting, Daddy, I love you so much.

1049
00:56:53,860 --> 00:56:56,777
And, as promised,

1050
00:57:04,532 --> 00:57:06,981
Now I will take a photo with you

1051
00:57:07,034 --> 00:57:08,628
because I know it's your only reason
People come here to get fucking selfies,

1052
00:57:08,677 --> 00:57:13,893
and you have never
listened to this whole show,

1053
00:57:13,980 --> 00:57:16,665
and you just try to find
out how this will benefit you

1054
00:57:16,736 --> 00:57:20,248
and your Instagram feed.

1055
00:57:20,283 --> 00:57:21,689
So... (laugh)

1056
00:57:21,724 --> 00:57:24,856


1057
00:57:24,952 --> 00:57:27,995
So, what we are going to do is you
Can put your cellphone into selfie mode.

1058
00:57:28,030 --> 00:57:30,579
I think you might know how to do it
Do that, you live in Los Angeles,

1059
00:57:30,659 --> 00:57:32,166
All you do is take selfies.

1060
00:57:32,201 --> 00:57:34,911
So, hold it and I'll do it
get the background

1061
00:57:34,946 --> 00:57:37,067
So, uh, let's do it.

1062
00:57:37,125 --> 00:57:39,334
Thank you friend.
I love you.

1063
00:57:46,091 --> 00:57:49,841
♪ ♪

1064
00:57:49,938 --> 00:57:59,938
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