1 00:00:18,644 --> 00:00:20,729 Visit www.Hokijudi99.id Trusted Secure Online Gambling Agent 2 00:00:20,812 --> 00:00:22,981 ♪ Is the man in the pool of light ♪ 3 00:00:23,398 --> 00:00:24,816 ♪ Camera repair around ♪ 4 00:00:24,900 --> 00:00:27,736 ♪ You see him chocolate He is not white ♪ 5 00:00:27,819 --> 00:00:30,280 ♪ You're surprised Who is this Indian? ♪ 6 00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:32,824 ♪ He is Netflix Recommend ♪ 7 00:00:32,908 --> 00:00:34,826 ♪ Ordinary to see diversity ♪ 8 00:00:34,910 --> 00:00:36,078 ♪ What is a policy ♪ 9 00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:38,914 ♪ Let me introduce myself ♪ 10 00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:40,749 ♪ Unless you've left ♪ 11 00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:43,752 ♪ What makes you racist ♪ 12 00:00:43,835 --> 00:00:45,879 ♪ In a digital sense ♪ 13 00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:49,341 ♪ If you come to India ♪ 14 00:00:49,424 --> 00:00:51,385 ♪ I am a big problem ♪ 15 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,470 ♪ Check this stadium ♪ 16 00:00:53,553 --> 00:00:55,639 ♪ That I just filled my family ♪ 17 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:58,535 ♪ And now you feel alienated Because you didn't anticipate ♪ 18 00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,477 ♪ That I can make you laugh ♪ 19 00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:03,322 ♪ You have never met an Indian guy You have never heard an Indian joke ♪ 20 00:01:03,355 --> 00:01:05,232 ♪ So will you understand? ♪ 21 00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:07,025 ♪ Fucking relax ♪ 22 00:01:07,359 --> 00:01:08,986 ♪ Let the camera track ♪ 23 00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:12,531 ♪ Because as a camera Walk around my back ♪ 24 00:01:12,614 --> 00:01:15,242 ♪ You see the show I have the other half, eh ♪ 25 00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:18,704 ♪ Now we're in New York ♪ [audience cheers] 26 00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:19,788 ♪ City ♪ 27 00:01:19,871 --> 00:01:21,623 ♪ At an American comedy club ♪ 28 00:01:21,707 --> 00:01:24,334 ♪ It's kind of small and pretty ♪ 29 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:25,794 ♪ I have traveled a lot ♪ 30 00:01:25,877 --> 00:01:29,089 ♪ Because in your market I just started ♪ 31 00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:30,424 ♪ I haven't made it ♪ 32 00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:32,384 ♪ I just released the version ♪ 33 00:01:32,467 --> 00:01:34,970 ♪ To this American ♪ 34 00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:38,473 ♪ Hey, hey, yeah, yeah ♪ 35 00:01:38,557 --> 00:01:39,557 ♪ Yes ♪ 36 00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:42,728 ♪ Yes ♪ 37 00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:44,646 ♪ My bag is packed ♪ 38 00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:46,940 ♪ And I think it's time ♪ 39 00:01:47,024 --> 00:01:48,400 ♪ To go ♪ 40 00:01:49,151 --> 00:01:51,111 ♪ So make some noise ♪ 41 00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:53,905 ♪ If you want to start my show ♪ 42 00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:57,784 [cheering] 43 00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:06,460 [cheering on] 44 00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:25,437 Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Vir Das. 45 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:28,857 Thank you very much for leaving and being on my special Netflix. 46 00:02:28,940 --> 00:02:30,192 Thank you. 47 00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:32,569 [cheering] 48 00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:38,950 Nice to be in my hometown in Delhi, women and men. 49 00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:40,577 I am a Delhi boy. 50 00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:45,916 This is my dream, ladies and gentlemen. 51 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:48,126 Not specifically Netflix or, like, stadium. 52 00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:50,337 I have never had eight hours. 53 00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:54,049 This is good, isn't it? 54 00:02:54,132 --> 00:02:57,135 This is what is needed to get the Delhi audience here on time, by the way. 55 00:02:57,219 --> 00:02:59,721 - Eight hours. - [cheering] 56 00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:03,826 What is tonight, women and men? 57 00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,812 Tonight is about many things that I don't understand 58 00:03:06,895 --> 00:03:08,146 That is the whole show. 59 00:03:08,230 --> 00:03:12,317 And hopefully, at the end of the night, we can't understand that nonsense. 60 00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:15,737 I have to tell you something. 61 00:03:15,821 --> 00:03:19,241 This show will be shot half here and half in America. 62 00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:21,785 So at this point specifically, in three seconds, 63 00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:24,955 we will cut for 200 clueless Americans 64 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,748 sitting at a comedy club. 65 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,960 And they wait for to hear what we have to say 66 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:34,047 And I just hope to God they understand 67 00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:38,969 [speaking Hindi] 68 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,138 [cheering] 69 00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:44,057 - [whistling] - Can not speak English. 70 00:03:44,141 --> 00:03:45,142 [speaking Hindi] 71 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,852 Two hours. Can not speak English. Only Hindi. 72 00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:49,771 [speaking Hindi] 73 00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:04,536 [chuckles] 74 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,581 All white people like, "Oh no. 75 00:04:08,373 --> 00:04:10,625 Like when we watch Narcos. " 76 00:04:12,878 --> 00:04:14,638 Oh, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Vir Das 77 00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:17,066 Thank you for coming tonight. Do you feel good, New York City? 78 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:18,175 Do you feel good, huh? 79 00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,969 [cheering] 80 00:04:21,052 --> 00:04:23,614 Listen. I have an announcement before we start the show, okay? 81 00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:26,725 Let's get rid of this. I have an Indian accent. 82 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,520 This is the next hour in your life. 83 00:04:31,021 --> 00:04:34,065 This doesn't change. I didn't do a thing. 84 00:04:34,983 --> 00:04:37,861 I don't imitate his identity funny relatives. 85 00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:40,989 There is no fucking Apu from The Simpsons jokes appear. 86 00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:44,844 Tonight, for the first time in your life, Maybe an Indian accent 87 00:04:44,868 --> 00:04:46,578 Can be a perspective, not a punch line. 88 00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:49,414 - Isn't that good, huh? - [cheering] 89 00:04:49,498 --> 00:04:52,459 But give time. My accent will grow to you. 90 00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:53,877 Give time, okay? 91 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,588 Just give four or five generations, we will be fine. 92 00:04:56,671 --> 00:04:58,381 And it's okay to not understand each other. 93 00:04:58,465 --> 00:05:01,551 There are things about me that you don't understand, like my accent. 94 00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:04,471 There are things about you that I don't understand, like your woman. 95 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,808 I don't understand American women. 96 00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:10,685 I don't understand how you can reject this 97 00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:14,648 Have you tried Indian, honey? 98 00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:18,026 - [woman] no. - Oh, you have to 99 00:05:18,693 --> 00:05:21,947 After you become brown, other colors disappoint you. 100 00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:27,327 [chuckles] 101 00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:31,373 There are two Mexicans behind. "Write this nonsense, man. 102 00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:35,085 This also applies to us. I don't run for president. 103 00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:39,881 [audience laughs] 104 00:05:39,965 --> 00:05:42,050 Oh come on. We have to talk about this nonsense. We do 105 00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:43,927 106 00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:46,805 107 00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:50,809 Are you okay, friend? I am sorry. Are you alright? 108 00:05:50,892 --> 00:05:52,828 Fuck the Netflix event. We will turn off the camera. 109 00:05:52,852 --> 00:05:55,146 We will only hug each other for one hour. Let's do it 110 00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:59,276 And believe me, like Indians, we understand. 111 00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:02,279 We understand. 112 00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,573 We have both, in a very poetic coincidence, 113 00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:07,867 very large, very popular, very scary, 114 00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:10,328 very orange leadership to run our country. 115 00:06:13,248 --> 00:06:15,375 Are you like our new prime minister? 116 00:06:15,458 --> 00:06:17,669 - [cheering] - Me too. 117 00:06:17,752 --> 00:06:20,755 Like, not all are Modi errors. 118 00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:23,758 You can't blame Modi for everything. This is a parliamentary system. 119 00:06:24,342 --> 00:06:28,346 Plus, to blame the prime minister, He must rather be here. 120 00:06:30,432 --> 00:06:32,868 And this is what I like about the American presidential system. 121 00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:36,396 At least you always know where is the president Right? 122 00:06:36,479 --> 00:06:38,732 He is in the White House, and you know that house 123 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:41,055 because you have seen it explode in ten different films. 124 00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:45,381 This is another thing, like, with an American film 125 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,949 They continue to blow up their White House. Do you notice this? 126 00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:49,701 This is very cathartic. 127 00:06:50,201 --> 00:06:53,496 Like, aliens blow up the White House. Gerard Butler blew up the White House. 128 00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:55,832 Donald Trump will blow up the White House. 129 00:06:55,915 --> 00:06:58,335 [audience cheers] 130 00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:05,175 But you never saw it in, like, Indian movies right? 131 00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:09,054 You have never seen a foreign hover in Delhi and only detonated Lok Sabha. 132 00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:12,724 Because Indians will not believe that nonsense. 133 00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:14,643 Be like, "What a stupid alien. 134 00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:18,104 This is parliament. There is no one there. 135 00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:22,150 This is Monday." 136 00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:26,738 But they get cool addresses in America. They got the White House, man. 137 00:07:26,821 --> 00:07:28,365 What is the address of Modi? 138 00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:30,009 Who knows where Modi lives, 139 00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:32,011 apart from the hearts of Hindus and memories of Muslims? 140 00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:34,245 Huh? Who knows? I just said 141 00:07:34,829 --> 00:07:36,957 [applause, applause] 142 00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:39,459 But they did that in their films. 143 00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:42,712 I remember watching American movies called Air Force One. 144 00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,756 - Do you remember the film, guys? - [applause] 145 00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:48,259 They hijack the president from a United States plane. 146 00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:51,596 You can't do that with Modi. He flies Air India. 147 00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:56,559 Do you know how difficult it is hijack Air India planes? 148 00:07:57,227 --> 00:07:59,229 "All right, Everyone falls to the floor." 149 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,022 "Eh, excuse me, sir." "Shut up. 150 00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:02,774 All right, raise your hands in the air." 151 00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:04,943 "Eh, excuse me, sir." "Shut up. 152 00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:07,463 This plane belongs to the Khilafah of the Brotherhood..." 153 00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,906 "Sorry, sir." "What?" 154 00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,616 "Sir, vegetables or non-vegetables?" 155 00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,999 "Are you serious? I tried to take hostages." 156 00:08:19,082 --> 00:08:21,918 "Sir, we don't have that. We have chicken tikka or palak paneer." 157 00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:25,422 [stutter] "good. Vegetables All right?" 158 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,132 "Sir, we run out of vegetables." 159 00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:29,467 "Then why are you...? Stop crowding in the alley, okay? Lose weight, right? Get out. 160 00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:32,431 Okay, who is the pilot of the plane?" 161 00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:35,015 162 00:08:35,098 --> 00:08:36,933 "Sir, I am an airplane pilot." 163 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,703 "Fine, You will call your government 164 00:08:38,727 --> 00:08:41,062 and tell them not to expect your prime minister tomorrow." 165 00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:43,940 "Sir, they don't expect it tomorrow. 166 00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:48,236 They never know when to wait for him, sir." 167 00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:51,948 "How do they not know when to expect it? He is a prime minister, not a rainy season." 168 00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,032 "Sir, frutti?" 169 00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:55,952 "Bitch, I will cut off your head and shoot your severed head. 170 00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:01,416 Okay, where is the prime minister?" 171 00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:03,251 "Sir, he is in the economy." 172 00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:05,754 "Don't lie to me." 173 00:09:05,837 --> 00:09:08,923 "No, sir, in Air India, First-class seats don't lean. 174 00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:11,593 But if you get three economic seats, it becomes a flat bed. 175 00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:12,886 Very comfortable, sir." 176 00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:18,600 But I don't mean to insult my country, women and men. 177 00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:23,063 - I am a patriotic Indian. Are you, yes - [audience] huh! 178 00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:25,690 My patriotism is based on in a very simple fact: 179 00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:28,693 that this country is where I live. 180 00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:30,153 That's it. 181 00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:33,031 I live in India. I am proud of India. 182 00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:37,410 If I live in Estonia, I will be proud of Estonia. 183 00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:41,247 If I live in Zimbabwe, I will move to Estonia. 184 00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:47,337 There is no middle ground in India again 185 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:50,381 We all need to adjust. You are left wing or right wing. 186 00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:54,135 Left wing or right wing. 187 00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:56,554 It's like you think India is a bird. 188 00:09:56,638 --> 00:09:58,765 India is not a bird. Birds are free. 189 00:09:59,557 --> 00:10:02,393 [applause] 190 00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:06,898 India is a goldfish, ladies and gentlemen. 191 00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:08,942 This is a very good goldfish, but it's a goldfish. 192 00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:11,361 We have a memory of 15 seconds. 193 00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:12,529 This is India. 194 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:15,240 "I'm Indian. I live in a bowl. 195 00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:16,741 I like my bowl. 196 00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:19,869 I don't want anything more than what is in my bowl 197 00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:22,372 But look. The bowl is made of glass. 198 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:24,833 There is another world outside the bowl, 199 00:10:24,916 --> 00:10:27,961 a world with different cultures, different ideologies, different beliefs, 200 00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:29,587 different sexual orientations. 201 00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:32,590 I have to study. I have to embrace I must... 202 00:10:32,674 --> 00:10:35,802 I am indian I live in a bowl. 203 00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:39,180 I don't want anything more than what is in my bowl. " 204 00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:42,809 But don't worry. I think there is a good side. 205 00:10:42,892 --> 00:10:46,354 The way I see all this works for you is you like a girl 206 00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:49,190 Do you know what I mean? And you are in a relationship 207 00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:50,692 with men about seven years. 208 00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:53,111 Barack is a good person, but that doesn't work. 209 00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:54,779 And you break up. 210 00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:58,700 And then you meet this older man, Bernie, but he is too geeky for you, 211 00:10:58,783 --> 00:11:00,368 But he has a good idea. 212 00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:02,513 And then you, like, in long distance relationships 213 00:11:02,537 --> 00:11:03,997 with this girl named Hillary, 214 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,708 but everything is in e-mail and you don't like that nonsense. 215 00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:11,337 And finally, Your parents force you to marry a boy. 216 00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:15,425 This is your arranged marriage, women and men. 217 00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:19,012 In the most literal sense, Your parents choose this person for you, 218 00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:21,097 Because you didn't choose it. 219 00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:23,600 [laughter spread, applause] 220 00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,813 Look at the sad Indians clapping. 221 00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:35,504 But I don't think that will change that much. 222 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,488 I think it will only... This will be a temporary thing, 223 00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:41,743 but that will redefine American patriotism for a while 224 00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:44,621 Because of your patriotism, it must be very open, very accepting. 225 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:49,667 It feels like, "Man, welcome to America, Free land, a brave house. 226 00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:53,212 That's everyone. 227 00:11:53,296 --> 00:11:54,464 And now just go to change for a while. 228 00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:55,840 This will be like, "America. We'll see." 229 00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:57,610 I want to leave you with the bright side. 230 00:11:57,634 --> 00:11:59,761 Even this big orange cloud has a silver layer. 231 00:12:02,305 --> 00:12:03,741 OK? Well, here it is. 232 00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:06,017 233 00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:07,560 234 00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:10,021 I really think this will decrease about terrorism I do 235 00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:14,359 This will reduce terrorism, Because, honestly, what's the use? 236 00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:22,075 "We have to bomb America." 237 00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:23,660 "Well, why do we have an American bomb?" 238 00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:26,537 "To leave them in a state of despair, despair and collapse." 239 00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:37,674 "They beat us for that. 240 00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:40,468 Looks like a bit excessive." 241 00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:42,804 But this is a scary person. 242 00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:45,390 We see it on TV every day. "We must prohibit & apos; Muh-slims & apos;. Kick out & apos; Muh-slims & apos; Run & apos; Muh-slims Muh-slims. "" And the whole world watches it go, "This is Muslim, you are a whore. 243 00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:48,059 Learn how to pronounce it before you forbid it, right? 244 00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,770 245 00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:55,441 246 00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:01,739 247 00:13:02,156 --> 00:13:05,201 248 00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:09,998 What will To ban stretchy clothes, you stupid? " 249 00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:15,670 I understand religious phobias, women and men. 250 00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:18,631 Do you believe we live in the world, in an atmosphere of religious phobias? You believe that 99 percent That phobia doesn't make sense? 251 00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:20,383 - Yes or no - [audience] yes! 252 00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:23,136 Do you believe in that religion? whether the problem is 253 00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:24,721 Not me. 254 00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:27,056 Religion is good in his heart. 255 00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:28,766 Right, ladies and gentlemen? It's always good. = The fifth they add just to make love to you 256 00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:30,351 Just to see if you pay attention. 257 00:13:30,435 --> 00:13:32,235 258 00:13:34,439 --> 00:13:36,733 259 00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:37,942 260 00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:40,236 261 00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:42,822 262 00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:46,492 That's religion. Don't lie Don't cheat. Don't kill Don't joke 263 00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:48,953 Don't eat non-vegetables on Tuesday. 264 00:13:49,037 --> 00:13:51,622 [cheering] 265 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:57,170 Don't wear underwear on Sunday nights. That is religion. 266 00:13:57,795 --> 00:13:59,690 Ladies, this is religion. Release them. I swear to God. 267 00:13:59,714 --> 00:14:01,382 We will go to heaven together. 268 00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:03,009 Come on. 269 00:14:05,595 --> 00:14:07,197 Like, for me, the problem is not religion. 270 00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:09,015 This is a religious text, ladies and gentlemen. 271 00:14:09,098 --> 00:14:12,060 Think about what you are reading. Quran, the Gita, the Holy Bible. 272 00:14:12,143 --> 00:14:15,438 You are reading some versions are written ancient dude 273 00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:19,400 from what he heard some men who were truly magical he had never met 274 00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:22,904 told some other men who were truly miraculous he had never met 275 00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:25,907 It is said to some human men whom he has never met. 276 00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:27,992 There are no facts. There is no verification. 277 00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:29,369 They only print that crap. 278 00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:32,872 You read 3,000 years Times of India, respectable women and men. 279 00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:34,035 That's what you are reading. 280 00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:41,339 And people say nonsense at that time all the time. 281 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,299 Ordinary people say things like, 282 00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:47,053 "He who questions the authority of God must open the abyss of death, 283 00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:50,473 as the blood of unbelievers will spill into the sea of locusts, 284 00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:53,768 and the arrow of the meek will rise into the kingdom of heaven 285 00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:55,686 in heaven stolen butter. " 286 00:14:55,770 --> 00:14:58,648 Fuck. That is the sentence at that time, women and men. 287 00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:03,319 Because people at that time are high like balls, okay? 288 00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:08,408 It's not drugs. Only there So much oxygen is good in the atmosphere. 289 00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:13,037 And all the nonsense that was said at that time made sense for that moment. 290 00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:14,121 That's 291 00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:24,340 because at that time, There is no good way to identify thieves. 292 00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:29,720 So that is a system. 293 00:15:29,804 --> 00:15:32,849 You see a one-handed man, You like, "Fucking thief." 294 00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,068 So you know who they are. 295 00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:51,534 Or like Christianity has a saying. 296 00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:54,245 "Don't have premarital sex." Ever heard that? 297 00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:04,630 So the advice is good. 298 00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,968 "Hey, don't try and kill someone when you are eight and half 299 00:16:13,264 --> 00:16:14,515 We need updates religious texts in the world. 300 00:16:14,599 --> 00:16:17,143 Do you agree with me, women and men? Yes or no. 301 00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:22,148 302 00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:24,293 303 00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:26,903 - [audience] huh! - good So I have a plan. 304 00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:31,616 We will take all major religions and just give it to the Apple company. 305 00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:36,162 Every six months, Apple can update and relaunch the religion to the world. 306 00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:38,498 How good is that? That is what we need. 307 00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:41,209 We need Islam 6s, ladies and gentlemen. 308 00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:43,586 We need Jesus Pro. 309 00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:46,339 We need GitaBook Air. 310 00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:48,549 If nothing else, you will reduce fanaticism. 311 00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:49,842 You will slow it down. 312 00:16:49,926 --> 00:16:52,553 Can you imagine how much we will reduce fanaticism 313 00:16:52,637 --> 00:16:54,889 if each of you wants it to do jihad... 314 00:16:57,517 --> 00:17:00,353 first you have to sign a new online deal with Apple? 315 00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:03,564 Suppose you have to get jihad ID? 316 00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:08,402 Then you must align all your bombs and your device to the same jihad. 317 00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:11,822 Unless one bomb doesn't work with the old version of iTunes, 318 00:17:11,906 --> 00:17:14,784 so now you have to download the new version from iTunes. 319 00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:18,829 And then you are ready to go to heaven and get 72 of your virgins, 320 00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:23,251 but your iCloud only holds six virgins, and now you have to upgrade. 321 00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:29,637 Do you know what my favorite part is from the joke? 322 00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:33,052 It's just that Android users leave, "What is he talking about? 323 00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:37,932 What clouds Are there clouds? You have clouds 324 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:41,686 My Samsung explodes, then there is a cloud. Is that a cloud? I don't know." 325 00:17:47,525 --> 00:17:50,361 And who is Islamophobia in today's world 326 00:17:50,444 --> 00:17:53,364 need to look long and hard at the history of their own religion. 327 00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:55,616 Let's talk about that, huh? 328 00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:57,700 ♪ If you are a Hindu and you know it applause ♪ 329 00:17:57,743 --> 00:17:58,786 [audience claps] 330 00:17:58,869 --> 00:18:00,955 ♪ If you are a Hindu and you know it applause ♪ 331 00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:04,351 ♪ If you are a Hindu and you know it Then you really want to show it ♪ 332 00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:07,628 ♪ Join the government and apply Subliminal fascist policy ♪ 333 00:18:07,712 --> 00:18:09,171 ♪ Hey ♪ 334 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,800 Hey, Hindus, remember sati? 335 00:18:16,304 --> 00:18:18,889 Yes, we did that for 2,000 years. 336 00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:23,561 Remember when a woman's husband will die and we will cremate her, not alone. 337 00:18:27,648 --> 00:18:29,648 So the whole village will gather around the wife. 338 00:18:29,692 --> 00:18:31,277 "Sushma, I'm very sorry. 339 00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:36,073 What a terrible thing that happened. 340 00:18:37,325 --> 00:18:38,826 [exhale] 341 00:18:40,995 --> 00:18:42,288 Whenever you are ready." 342 00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:45,333 "What?" 343 00:18:45,416 --> 00:18:48,628 "No, take your time. Sing a song. Take a breath. Whatever you need. But finally, it's just mosey there." 344 00:18:48,711 --> 00:18:51,297 "Inside the fire?" 345 00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:54,675 "Yes." 346 00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:56,218 - "Why do I have to enter the fire?" - "B-B-B-Because he will go to heaven." 347 00:18:57,386 --> 00:19:00,556 "Why doesn't he go alone?" 348 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,767 "It's not a deer." 349 00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,685 But I am a Hindu, bad ladies and gentlemen, 350 00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:09,625 Because I am not loyal anymore with Christianity 351 00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,859 And I guess I'm not alone. Come on, Hindus. Raise your hand. 352 00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:17,799 Let me see, people. Raise your hand. Come on. Raise your hand. 353 00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:19,968 354 00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:22,328 Now, raise your hand 355 00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:25,748 If you, as a Hindu in New York, have celebrated Christmas 356 00:19:26,457 --> 00:19:29,418 Look, we will go to hell together, we all. 357 00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:32,356 But it's not religious. You just want damn trees and shopping, don't you? 358 00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:33,540 That's why you do that nonsense. 359 00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:38,469 Because this Christmas is amazing, is confusing, exciting festival right? 360 00:19:38,552 --> 00:19:41,389 Especially for Hindus in New York. There is snow everywhere. 361 00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:43,992 We don't know whether to play with or just stand there 362 00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:45,726 and ask for independent Kashmir. 363 00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:53,502 Christmas is all about trees, women and men. 364 00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:56,112 The trees surpassed Christianity long ago. 365 00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:58,781 Jesus will rise from the dead today, on Christmas Eve, 366 00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:02,118 the only person in JFK who can accept it will become a Hindu cabdriver. 367 00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,788 "I am Jesus, Son of God. 368 00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:08,416 I have returned. Take me to my people." 369 00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:10,167 Hindu taxi driver [laughs] 370 00:20:10,251 --> 00:20:12,002 "Father. Jesus, you came here. 371 00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:15,840 Look, I'm very sorry, Jesus. 372 00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,552 Your people are with trees." 373 00:20:21,303 --> 00:20:24,181 "What do you mean, trees? That is ridiculous. I am the Son of God." 374 00:20:24,265 --> 00:20:26,308 "Yes, you know, this is ironic, Jesus. 375 00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:30,730 The second time in your life You are defeated by a piece of wood." 376 00:20:30,813 --> 00:20:32,565 [audience] Ooh! 377 00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:37,445 Yes, but ten minutes of Muslim jokes it's fine with you, huh? 378 00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:43,743 [chuckles] 379 00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,084 But it's good to be here, women and men. 380 00:20:47,121 --> 00:20:49,957 The best part of my job is that I get to travel and perform for people 381 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,460 I don't understand and they don't understand me. 382 00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:54,420 Obviously. 383 00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:57,465 And we work out. 384 00:20:57,548 --> 00:21:00,885 Like, my whole life has been a long trip 385 00:21:00,968 --> 00:21:05,097 Let me tell you a little about myself. I grew up in Lagos, Nigeria, in Africa. 386 00:21:05,973 --> 00:21:09,226 I then went to school at Delhi Public School, NOIDA. 387 00:21:10,311 --> 00:21:13,856 I then went to college in Galesburg, Illinois, in the Midwest, 388 00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:16,025 and finally I sit in Bollywood. 389 00:21:17,485 --> 00:21:20,488 Have traveled a lot towards a more beautiful skin. 390 00:21:20,571 --> 00:21:22,490 [laughter] 391 00:21:22,573 --> 00:21:24,492 [applause] 392 00:21:26,744 --> 00:21:29,371 But I want to come to America. This is my big dream. 393 00:21:29,455 --> 00:21:32,541 The first time I landed in New York City, I am 18 years old When the sun rises Above the Manhattan horizon, I cry. 394 00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:36,462 And that has nothing to do with American or American dreams. 395 00:21:37,546 --> 00:21:40,549 396 00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:42,218 I have breakfast. 397 00:21:42,802 --> 00:21:45,262 Because I grew up in the world of cornflakes, guys. 398 00:21:45,346 --> 00:21:48,140 Imagine a universe of endless cornflakes. 399 00:21:48,224 --> 00:21:52,061 And not even real cornflakes. That crap Mohan Meakin is dirty. 400 00:21:53,354 --> 00:21:55,356 Ostrich stool cornflakes. 401 00:21:57,274 --> 00:21:59,485 [chuckles] Then I landed in New York City, 402 00:21:59,568 --> 00:22:02,404 and someone gave me Cinnamon Toast Crunch. 403 00:22:07,034 --> 00:22:09,912 And I... it's messed up with my head. 404 00:22:11,622 --> 00:22:14,542 Because my brain knows that what I eat is not cinnamon... 405 00:22:15,376 --> 00:22:18,003 or toast or crunch. 406 00:22:18,546 --> 00:22:20,881 But my heart believes, women and men. 407 00:22:21,841 --> 00:22:25,135 Because what is cereal initially? It's just a way to get milk to children. 408 00:22:25,219 --> 00:22:27,680 Right? Make interesting milk for children. 409 00:22:27,763 --> 00:22:31,100 What God does with the breast, Americans do it with breakfast cereals. 410 00:22:33,811 --> 00:22:35,729 The best version of the transaction. 411 00:22:38,148 --> 00:22:40,067 You don't appreciate your American luxury. 412 00:22:40,150 --> 00:22:43,237 I go to your supermarket the other day. You have a hallway for cereal. 413 00:22:44,822 --> 00:22:46,865 A passageway for cereal. 414 00:22:46,949 --> 00:22:48,951 There are still countries with apartheid. 415 00:22:49,034 --> 00:22:50,202 You have a hallway. 416 00:22:50,953 --> 00:22:52,830 Height of 60 feet three feet. 417 00:22:52,913 --> 00:22:56,000 That's 600... In Bombay, it's school, okay? 418 00:23:00,212 --> 00:23:02,923 In Africa, it's a university, women and men. 419 00:23:04,925 --> 00:23:06,927 And your food looks really good. Humans. 420 00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:09,555 I saw an advertisement for French fries on TV the other day. 421 00:23:09,638 --> 00:23:11,181 Fucking should win an Oscar. 422 00:23:11,765 --> 00:23:14,445 I don't know why not. Maybe black people succeed. I'm not sure 423 00:23:15,686 --> 00:23:17,646 - [chuckles] - [applause] 424 00:23:18,355 --> 00:23:19,607 Thank you, racist. 425 00:23:20,983 --> 00:23:22,443 That's cinematic... 426 00:23:22,526 --> 00:23:26,822 There is a golden sunset and a philharmonic orchestra. 427 00:23:26,905 --> 00:23:32,077 And French fries fall in slow motion, With, like, CGI sprinkles of salt. 428 00:23:32,161 --> 00:23:34,163 And then there is a girl in a bikini, 429 00:23:34,246 --> 00:23:37,207 and the fries are rappelled down the tittie side is very slow. 430 00:23:37,291 --> 00:23:40,794 And I just saw that, "Oh, Allah, Allah, Allah!" 431 00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:43,505 Potatoes. 432 00:23:44,923 --> 00:23:46,300 Potatoes! 433 00:23:46,383 --> 00:23:47,885 Potatoes. 434 00:23:50,095 --> 00:23:52,139 I shouldn't do that nonsense. 435 00:23:55,267 --> 00:23:57,436 - [applause] - [man] Whoo! 436 00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:00,814 I just fucked myself. 437 00:24:01,482 --> 00:24:03,668 I will do the right thing smart material tonight 438 00:24:03,692 --> 00:24:06,236 Your takeaway will only be... potatoes! 439 00:24:07,529 --> 00:24:09,615 [chuckles] "How's the Vir Das show?" 440 00:24:09,698 --> 00:24:10,949 Potatoes. 441 00:24:15,162 --> 00:24:19,583 But it's an erotic experience. Chick in bikini There is sex with food. 442 00:24:19,667 --> 00:24:21,919 You can't do nonsense with Indian food. 443 00:24:24,338 --> 00:24:26,799 Only get naked girls and fall in the heat all over his body. 444 00:24:26,882 --> 00:24:28,175 "Aah!" 445 00:24:29,593 --> 00:24:30,844 [chuckles] 446 00:24:30,928 --> 00:24:34,139 But let's talk about this. Indian food. Hold your hand if you agree. 447 00:24:34,223 --> 00:24:37,351 - Disgusting food on the planet. - [applause] 448 00:24:39,812 --> 00:24:42,356 Not the best cuisine on this planet 449 00:24:43,023 --> 00:24:46,318 Indian cuisine all looks like you digest some other dishes. 450 00:24:49,071 --> 00:24:52,449 Saag Paneer for dinner Looks like you have a Greek salad for lunch. 451 00:24:53,575 --> 00:24:55,994 Yes, close your eyes. Really the picture. 452 00:24:57,663 --> 00:24:59,641 Indian food is not visual food, women and men. 453 00:24:59,665 --> 00:25:02,126 Like, I watch MasterChef Australia 454 00:25:02,209 --> 00:25:04,086 That is visual food, isn't it? 455 00:25:04,169 --> 00:25:07,172 "Oh, I like what you have done with the plating and the settings. 456 00:25:07,256 --> 00:25:08,924 Extraordinary." 457 00:25:09,007 --> 00:25:11,635 You show all three of these dudes a bowl of competition, bro, 458 00:25:11,719 --> 00:25:13,178 they will lose their minds. 459 00:25:14,430 --> 00:25:15,806 "Oh, damn. 460 00:25:16,765 --> 00:25:18,684 Is it sick before dying?" 461 00:25:18,767 --> 00:25:21,437 [applause] 462 00:25:23,147 --> 00:25:26,608 "Can we make people see this? as punishment for petty crime?" 463 00:25:28,277 --> 00:25:32,072 Like, Indian food is not visual food. This is food, ladies and gentlemen. 464 00:25:32,156 --> 00:25:34,616 Like, If you walk past an Indian restaurant 465 00:25:34,700 --> 00:25:37,035 and there are pictures of beautiful food, 466 00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:39,681 You won't go to that restaurant, would you, ladies and gentlemen? 467 00:25:39,705 --> 00:25:40,706 You won't do it. 468 00:25:40,789 --> 00:25:43,041 But if the door opens and you hear someone say... 469 00:25:43,125 --> 00:25:45,878 [speaking Hindi] 470 00:25:47,504 --> 00:25:49,173 You will order everything on the menu. 471 00:25:49,256 --> 00:25:51,592 [audience cheers] 472 00:25:51,675 --> 00:25:54,261 Also, Indian food is romantic food. 473 00:25:54,344 --> 00:25:57,144 There's nothing romantic about sitting with someone and having dinner 474 00:25:57,181 --> 00:25:59,141 [snoring] 475 00:25:59,224 --> 00:26:01,935 But if you can spend your life with someone who is just... 476 00:26:02,019 --> 00:26:05,272 [slurping] Ahh! 477 00:26:06,064 --> 00:26:08,150 That's true love, ladies and gentlemen. 478 00:26:10,694 --> 00:26:13,864 This is why I believe you will never be able to do it an Indian Bond criminal. 479 00:26:14,698 --> 00:26:17,451 Because Bond criminals always eat or drink something while they say some really bad crap. 480 00:26:17,534 --> 00:26:19,995 "Greetings, Mr. Bond. 481 00:26:21,246 --> 00:26:23,081 You shouldn't come here today. 482 00:26:23,165 --> 00:26:25,083 Tonight you die." 483 00:26:25,167 --> 00:26:26,877 "Bonsoir, Monsieur Bonds. 484 00:26:27,961 --> 00:26:29,755 We have been waiting for you. 485 00:26:29,838 --> 00:26:31,632 Tonight you die." 486 00:26:31,715 --> 00:26:33,342 Indian food. "Yeah, hello, Bond. See, you have to... 487 00:26:33,425 --> 00:26:35,427 You don't have to... 488 00:26:36,804 --> 00:26:38,055 489 00:26:38,764 --> 00:26:40,015 490 00:26:40,557 --> 00:26:42,768 Damn it Eat this vindaloo. You will die. " 491 00:26:44,061 --> 00:26:46,647 Plus, Bond knows how to fire a rifle. 492 00:26:48,649 --> 00:26:51,318 Indians are not good with firearms. That is why I respect your country. 493 00:26:51,401 --> 00:26:54,571 You take all control from the gun making process. , bullets, victims, all at home. 494 00:26:54,655 --> 00:26:57,950 Like, in India, we don't have weapons, so we don't have gun violence. India. 495 00:27:00,035 --> 00:27:03,038 You can't. Because first, in India, You will never find a gay nightclub. 496 00:27:03,121 --> 00:27:04,414 Because of that WhatsApp group. 497 00:27:04,498 --> 00:27:07,668 Followed by, like, tea in Raju's house. 498 00:27:07,751 --> 00:27:11,964 Or, like, you can't shoot Indians sit in the cinema You can't. 499 00:27:14,383 --> 00:27:16,426 500 00:27:18,303 --> 00:27:20,722 501 00:27:21,431 --> 00:27:24,852 502 00:27:24,935 --> 00:27:28,605 Because Indians don't sit still During Bollywood movies, right? 503 00:27:28,689 --> 00:27:32,401 You know how difficult it is to shoot someone goes...? [singing in Hinduism] 504 00:27:32,484 --> 00:27:34,403 ♪ Heh heh heh hey ♪ 505 00:27:41,493 --> 00:27:43,161 So you have weapons. 506 00:27:43,662 --> 00:27:45,581 And you don't go to get rid of weapons. 507 00:27:45,664 --> 00:27:49,626 But can you at least change weapons? Or put your own technology into a weapon. 508 00:27:49,710 --> 00:27:52,921 America, you find an iPhone. It's done well. 509 00:27:53,005 --> 00:27:55,048 That has Siri. It's done well. 510 00:27:55,132 --> 00:27:58,427 It doesn't understand my accent. What the fuck So... 511 00:28:00,512 --> 00:28:02,472 Use that crap. Siri for weapons. 512 00:28:03,223 --> 00:28:05,893 You must convince the gun to let you shoot the gun. 513 00:28:06,894 --> 00:28:09,146 Can you imagine a terrorist? "Siri!" 514 00:28:09,897 --> 00:28:11,356 "What can I do for you?" 515 00:28:12,441 --> 00:28:13,942 "I want to kill infidels!" 516 00:28:14,026 --> 00:28:17,154 "Sounds like you said You want to sing & apos; Jingle Bells." 517 00:28:18,196 --> 00:28:19,907 ♪ Jingle Bells ♪ 518 00:28:21,783 --> 00:28:24,828 Because weapons are an audible experience too, ladies and gentlemen. 519 00:28:24,912 --> 00:28:27,372 Sound is heard here. Something happened there. 520 00:28:27,456 --> 00:28:31,043 The first time I realized this, I saw an American cowboy movie. 521 00:28:31,126 --> 00:28:33,837 This is called Good, Bad, Bad. Do you remember that? 522 00:28:33,921 --> 00:28:36,757 Because they gave the cowboys like good sound effects right? 523 00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:41,470 He used to walk in... [imitating running boots] 524 00:28:42,471 --> 00:28:43,764 [whooshing] 525 00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:46,099 [imitating shot] 526 00:28:47,100 --> 00:28:48,518 [exhale] 527 00:28:49,937 --> 00:28:52,272 You can't give Indians that sound effect 528 00:28:52,356 --> 00:28:54,191 We are too excited. We will play games. 529 00:28:57,861 --> 00:28:59,154 [imitating running boots] 530 00:29:05,035 --> 00:29:06,912 [imitating running boots] 531 00:29:16,338 --> 00:29:19,258 [beat boxing] 532 00:29:20,717 --> 00:29:22,177 We are not cruel people. 533 00:29:22,261 --> 00:29:24,781 This is why you don't have it Indian terrorists, ladies and gentlemen. 534 00:29:24,805 --> 00:29:27,975 Indians... We will never install bombs in buildings, don't you, guys? 535 00:29:28,058 --> 00:29:30,477 That's not our style. That is cruel. That is violence. 536 00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:32,562 But more than that, it's not efficient. 537 00:29:34,064 --> 00:29:37,109 We will place an accountant in the building, buy a building, 538 00:29:37,192 --> 00:29:40,821 make sure there is real estate investment Around the building, wait ten years 539 00:29:40,904 --> 00:29:43,532 and sell the property back to you at an 80 percent escalation. 540 00:29:43,615 --> 00:29:45,909 That's Indian terrorism. 541 00:29:48,912 --> 00:29:51,915 Our business practices are our terrorism. 542 00:29:56,086 --> 00:29:57,879 Speaking of terrorism, women and men, 543 00:29:57,963 --> 00:30:00,507 I think I'm ready to be a father. 544 00:30:02,676 --> 00:30:04,052 [man] Whoo! 545 00:30:04,136 --> 00:30:05,989 Because I've stopped worrying about the little things 546 00:30:06,013 --> 00:30:08,473 like the right segues between routines. 547 00:30:08,557 --> 00:30:11,560 [laughter spread] 548 00:30:12,561 --> 00:30:14,146 Thank you, three people. 549 00:30:15,188 --> 00:30:17,399 No, I want to have children, women and men, 550 00:30:17,482 --> 00:30:19,401 Because, first, I know how to make it. 551 00:30:20,485 --> 00:30:23,655 Damn it I make children like me make Maggi. Two minutes. No one is satisfied. 552 00:30:23,739 --> 00:30:25,907 That's what I'm talking about. 553 00:30:27,534 --> 00:30:28,785 But I'm at that age 554 00:30:28,869 --> 00:30:33,373 where I only found myself looked at children and had desires. 555 00:30:33,457 --> 00:30:35,000 [laughs] 556 00:30:35,083 --> 00:30:36,626 [man] Ohh! 557 00:30:36,710 --> 00:30:38,295 Oh, shut up, okay? 558 00:30:40,714 --> 00:30:45,010 I will tell you this story. I was in Bombay and I had a car accident. 559 00:30:45,093 --> 00:30:49,014 And that's the day I knew I was ready to be a father. Right? 560 00:30:49,097 --> 00:30:51,892 I am in my Range Rover. We are at the breaker speed, stationary. 561 00:30:51,975 --> 00:30:54,519 Suddenly, I heard... [imitating the horn, thumping] 562 00:30:55,395 --> 00:30:58,607 I left the passenger side, and I saw a circle of people 563 00:30:58,690 --> 00:31:01,443 Gathering around a scooter, two wheels, who have slipped, 564 00:31:01,526 --> 00:31:05,864 the boy on the floor is crying and a girl who is in shock. 565 00:31:05,947 --> 00:31:08,992 So I took this child, and I like it, "What happened?" 566 00:31:09,076 --> 00:31:12,329 "Sir, I taught him to drive scooters, and it was the rainy season. 567 00:31:12,412 --> 00:31:14,539 He did not know how to drive. We hit a lamp post. And at that moment, I experienced first I had two father's emotions. 568 00:31:14,623 --> 00:31:17,250 569 00:31:18,001 --> 00:31:22,381 570 00:31:22,964 --> 00:31:27,302 "Number one, I have to save this girl. I have to save this girl." 571 00:31:27,386 --> 00:31:29,638 But it's far more paternal than that... 572 00:31:30,347 --> 00:31:32,349 I want to kill this child. 573 00:31:34,226 --> 00:31:37,229 Who taught a girl to drive a scooter in the rainy season? 574 00:31:37,312 --> 00:31:38,939 I will kill this child. 575 00:31:39,022 --> 00:31:41,149 I took the girl, put her in the Range Rover. 576 00:31:41,233 --> 00:31:43,044 I tried to get the boy, But he still cried. 577 00:31:43,068 --> 00:31:45,028 I like, "I will kill it in Range Rover. 578 00:31:45,112 --> 00:31:47,489 I have money. We will be compensated." 579 00:31:48,407 --> 00:31:50,909 We then arrived at the hospital. We spend around 7,000 rupees. 580 00:31:50,992 --> 00:31:53,221 Take him to the emergency room. The girl will be fine. 581 00:31:53,245 --> 00:31:55,664 The boy is still crying. I'm like, "Do you know what? 582 00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:58,583 Now we are in the perfect atmosphere for me to kill this child 583 00:31:58,667 --> 00:32:01,169 We are in the hospital. There are morgues downstairs. 584 00:32:01,253 --> 00:32:02,504 Someone will write a report. 585 00:32:02,587 --> 00:32:05,173 I might have fake hit-and-run cases against me. 586 00:32:05,257 --> 00:32:07,509 Damn it Double or not at all. Murder. Let's go. " 587 00:32:07,592 --> 00:32:10,595 I reach this child, Who is higher than me for some reason? 588 00:32:11,888 --> 00:32:14,015 I say, " Now give me his father's phone number 589 00:32:14,099 --> 00:32:16,327 because we have to tell the family An accident occurred. " 590 00:32:16,351 --> 00:32:18,103 He is like," Sir, I can't do that. " 591 00:32:18,728 --> 00:32:19,855 Ho-ho-ho-ho! 592 00:32:19,938 --> 00:32:23,233 ♪ I will kill this child I will kill this child ♪ 593 00:32:23,316 --> 00:32:26,111 He is like, "Sir, you don't understand. He is a Hindu. " 594 00:32:27,362 --> 00:32:28,947 "No, you don't understand. 595 00:32:31,867 --> 00:32:33,535 Are you familiar with the concept? No? 596 00:32:33,618 --> 00:32:36,746 Eat a cheeseburger in Maharashtra, and you will know what that nonsense is." He is like, "No, sir, you don't understand. 597 00:32:37,914 --> 00:32:39,875 I am a Muslim 598 00:32:39,958 --> 00:32:41,042 His father doesn't know. 599 00:32:42,711 --> 00:32:44,254 If he knows he is with a Muslim boy, 600 00:32:45,172 --> 00:32:47,257 he will never let he left from home again. Please contact the mother. He knows. " 601 00:32:47,340 --> 00:32:49,801 "Fuck, man! Annoyed 602 00:32:49,885 --> 00:32:51,595 I almost killed you, bro. It's close 603 00:32:55,765 --> 00:32:58,143 I'm in the action zone now. 604 00:32:58,226 --> 00:33:00,729 I'm on Die Hard 4. 605 00:33:00,812 --> 00:33:03,190 = = You came to me with a plot of from Merchant . Fuck, man. " 606 00:33:03,273 --> 00:33:04,858 And when I go home, ladies and gentlemen, is just covered in blood... 607 00:33:04,941 --> 00:33:07,777 608 00:33:11,740 --> 00:33:16,036 609 00:33:17,162 --> 00:33:19,581 I know I'm ready to be a father. 610 00:33:20,290 --> 00:33:23,168 Not because I applied for first aid, 611 00:33:23,251 --> 00:33:26,671 because I arrived at the hospital, because I saved the girl 612 00:33:27,506 --> 00:33:32,344 I know I'm ready to be father because I didn't kill the boy. 613 00:33:33,261 --> 00:33:35,472 [applause] 614 00:33:37,140 --> 00:33:39,684 And I think that's what parents are. 615 00:33:40,352 --> 00:33:44,689 This rejects the desire to commit murder every morning 616 00:33:49,694 --> 00:33:51,655 Is that too emotional? 617 00:33:51,738 --> 00:33:54,574 Okay, just kill it. Let's talk about many things people are not emotional. 618 00:33:54,658 --> 00:33:57,953 [inhaling] Racism Let's do that shit, huh? Come on. 619 00:33:58,036 --> 00:34:00,080 ♪ If you are racist and you know applause ♪ 620 00:34:00,163 --> 00:34:01,873 - [clapping] - what the hell, bro 621 00:34:01,957 --> 00:34:03,500 [audience laughs] 622 00:34:03,583 --> 00:34:05,001 What's the matter? 623 00:34:08,713 --> 00:34:09,923 What is that...? 624 00:34:10,006 --> 00:34:11,716 I don't even... 625 00:34:14,302 --> 00:34:16,680 We know who you choose. OK. 626 00:34:18,598 --> 00:34:21,619 You know what's weird Two people applaud. One of them is brown. One white 627 00:34:21,643 --> 00:34:23,270 How does it work? 628 00:34:24,312 --> 00:34:26,481 It will be cold if they look at each other. Like... 629 00:34:29,568 --> 00:34:32,028 Now, I understand racism, women and men. 630 00:34:32,112 --> 00:34:35,282 Indians, we spend our lives claiming that we are victims of racism. 631 00:34:35,365 --> 00:34:38,410 isn't it? But anyway, all Indians return home... 632 00:34:39,369 --> 00:34:40,453 [man] Very racist. 633 00:34:40,537 --> 00:34:42,247 Racist pretty damn right? 634 00:34:42,330 --> 00:34:45,208 But this is strange dichotomous failure of racism 635 00:34:45,292 --> 00:34:48,169 mixed with, like, feudalism and slavery and curry. 636 00:34:49,921 --> 00:34:52,299 Like if a beautiful American girl, blonde hair, blue eyes, 637 00:34:52,382 --> 00:34:54,634 come to Delhi and are walking on the road 638 00:34:54,718 --> 00:34:56,678 because he's crazy... 639 00:35:01,516 --> 00:35:05,270 in two minutes, there will be two fat, bald, thin Indian men Across the street looking at it, like, "Madam! 640 00:35:05,353 --> 00:35:08,064 Hello Madame! 641 00:35:08,898 --> 00:35:10,567 [kissing] 642 00:35:10,650 --> 00:35:11,651 Madame!" 643 00:35:11,735 --> 00:35:13,403 And think about the dichotomy of racism. 644 00:35:14,738 --> 00:35:17,198 While they crept out, they still called him "Madame." 645 00:35:17,282 --> 00:35:20,660 There is respect there. 646 00:35:22,954 --> 00:35:24,372 And look, like most Eastern cultures, our version of racism... 647 00:35:28,293 --> 00:35:32,047 is what we adapt from what is taught to us. 648 00:35:33,715 --> 00:35:37,135 By english I'm sorry. It is true. 649 00:35:40,347 --> 00:35:43,058 This kind of English finds this nonsense. Are they not, ladies and gentlemen? 650 00:35:43,141 --> 00:35:45,578 Because they rule the whole world. 651 00:35:45,602 --> 00:35:47,270 This is not the first Brexit that occurs in history, ladies and gentlemen. 652 00:35:47,354 --> 00:35:50,815 653 00:35:50,899 --> 00:35:53,735 This is only the first intentional, All right? 654 00:35:53,818 --> 00:35:56,946 Britain rules America. They govern Africa. Who rules the East. 655 00:35:57,030 --> 00:36:00,116 I feel like England must see America The way Venus sees Serena. 656 00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:01,701 Like, "Bitch, I train you. 657 00:36:05,121 --> 00:36:06,873 You learn this nonsense from me." 658 00:36:07,499 --> 00:36:08,833 Lob. 659 00:36:09,417 --> 00:36:12,045 I will tell a story about racism, ladies and gentlemen, 660 00:36:12,128 --> 00:36:15,507 and I guarantee you at some point, You will feel uncomfortable. 661 00:36:15,590 --> 00:36:17,884 But hold it there with me. There is a good ending. 662 00:36:19,803 --> 00:36:24,724 So I surfed in southern India. Small villages in Tamil Nadu. 663 00:36:24,808 --> 00:36:27,060 The type of village where everyone spends ten hours a day 664 00:36:27,143 --> 00:36:28,853 on the beach, tanning, baking. 665 00:36:29,604 --> 00:36:33,358 Some different nationalities. I, some English, some Aussies. 666 00:36:33,441 --> 00:36:35,568 Black man named Marcus. 667 00:36:36,069 --> 00:36:39,155 When Marcus holds a surfboard, walk to the beach, 668 00:36:39,239 --> 00:36:43,368 he was stopped by a Tamil villager who said, "Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. 669 00:36:43,451 --> 00:36:46,538 You. You are black Blackie." 670 00:36:48,915 --> 00:36:50,041 Now, hang on. 671 00:36:51,251 --> 00:36:53,086 Instantly, your educated mind explodes. 672 00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:56,506 Poof! This is racism. Even Marcus was shocked. 673 00:36:56,589 --> 00:36:59,342 He is like, "Man, What are you saying to me?" 674 00:36:59,968 --> 00:37:03,805 He is like, "No, no, no. You. You are black Blackie." 675 00:37:04,931 --> 00:37:06,599 This person then goes to his house, 676 00:37:06,683 --> 00:37:09,394 build two sleeping children from their naps, 677 00:37:09,477 --> 00:37:10,854 When they rub their eyes, 678 00:37:10,937 --> 00:37:13,940 and said, "Look, look, look, look. He's black. Blackie." 679 00:37:15,442 --> 00:37:19,696 I submit to you that it's not racism at two counts, ladies and gentlemen. 680 00:37:20,697 --> 00:37:23,116 Number one, There is no malice in the person's heart. 681 00:37:23,199 --> 00:37:24,839 There is attraction. There's curiosity. 682 00:37:25,452 --> 00:37:28,288 And number two, this happened in Tamil Nadu... 683 00:37:30,498 --> 00:37:33,126 where villagers and all of their families 684 00:37:33,209 --> 00:37:35,211 ten times darker than black people. 685 00:37:36,921 --> 00:37:39,716 And then the kids surround Marcus, and they play with him, 686 00:37:39,799 --> 00:37:42,093 and he plays again, they see his hand 687 00:37:42,177 --> 00:37:44,137 and see their own hands. 688 00:37:44,220 --> 00:37:46,347 And they touch their hair and they touch their own hair. 689 00:37:46,431 --> 00:37:48,475 And anyone from the front corner sees that 690 00:37:48,558 --> 00:37:50,810 says, "Yes, this is racism. This qualifies." 691 00:37:50,894 --> 00:37:53,146 But if you make a small left and see that, 692 00:37:53,229 --> 00:37:55,940 that is one of the most beautiful things I have never seen. 693 00:37:56,691 --> 00:38:00,111 This is the most honest, simple, non-judgmental, naive 694 00:38:00,195 --> 00:38:02,113 acknowledge our differences. 695 00:38:02,197 --> 00:38:03,990 Recognize them. Because we are different. 696 00:38:04,073 --> 00:38:05,825 Aren't we, ladies and gentlemen? 697 00:38:05,909 --> 00:38:07,660 My hair is different. My skin is different. 698 00:38:07,744 --> 00:38:10,079 My color is different. My values are different. 699 00:38:10,163 --> 00:38:11,915 And it's okay to talk about it. 700 00:38:11,998 --> 00:38:14,167 If we only talk about facts that we are different 701 00:38:14,250 --> 00:38:16,085 and acknowledge why we are different, 702 00:38:16,169 --> 00:38:18,171 instead of pretending nothing is different 703 00:38:18,254 --> 00:38:20,298 and still secretly think we are different, 704 00:38:20,381 --> 00:38:24,594 finally we can all be on the same page and become less different. 705 00:38:26,304 --> 00:38:29,098 [applause, applause] 706 00:38:32,519 --> 00:38:34,312 If you bring that person out of Tamil Nadu 707 00:38:34,395 --> 00:38:37,190 and drop it here in downtown New York, 708 00:38:37,273 --> 00:38:39,513 He will take a walk in Harlem just go, "You are black, black. 709 00:38:39,567 --> 00:38:42,570 You are black, black You are black, black Black, black, black, black." 710 00:38:43,321 --> 00:38:45,281 And when he was released from the hospital... 711 00:38:46,407 --> 00:38:49,327 Look, it's okay He won't understand What he did wrong, 712 00:38:49,410 --> 00:38:52,580 Because for him, political correctness is not a concept he understands. 713 00:38:52,664 --> 00:38:56,084 Like, if there is nonsense in your head, say it once, learn, educate yourself, 714 00:38:56,167 --> 00:38:57,770 find out why it's wrong, don't ever say it again 715 00:38:57,794 --> 00:38:59,688 - Do you agree with me? Yes or no. - [audience] huh 716 00:38:59,712 --> 00:39:01,339 Good. So let's start tonight. 717 00:39:02,507 --> 00:39:06,845 So, white people, I leave it to you. 718 00:39:06,928 --> 00:39:09,472 All Indians, Pakistanis, Bangladeshis, 719 00:39:09,556 --> 00:39:11,307 Nepal and Sri Lanka. 720 00:39:11,933 --> 00:39:14,060 We all look the same. 721 00:39:15,144 --> 00:39:17,438 Please, confuse us everything you like. 722 00:39:18,064 --> 00:39:20,775 We are basically the same people. No problem. 723 00:39:20,859 --> 00:39:23,486 The only difference between me and Pakistanis is improving the quality of music and decreasing life expectancy. 724 00:39:23,570 --> 00:39:26,364 That's all, okay? 725 00:39:26,447 --> 00:39:27,782 [chuckles] 726 00:39:30,743 --> 00:39:31,786 Chinese, let me talk to you Let's all relax and talk about this. 727 00:39:33,788 --> 00:39:37,166 Chinese, I know that China is not the same as Laos, 728 00:39:37,250 --> 00:39:40,086 is not the same as the Philippines, is not the same as Cambodia. 729 00:39:40,169 --> 00:39:42,630 But I also know that, like, light purple, light purple and lavender Everything is purple at a certain level, okay? 730 00:39:42,714 --> 00:39:45,717 White people, can I talk to you? 731 00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:47,760 Please stop overcompensating for what your great grandfather did. 732 00:39:49,053 --> 00:39:50,489 733 00:39:50,513 --> 00:39:54,183 734 00:39:54,267 --> 00:39:57,520 Just because your great-grandfather is evil For us doesn't mean you have to be nice. 735 00:39:58,396 --> 00:40:01,691 Every time I am with a white person, I feel like Robin Williams on Good Will Hunting 736 00:40:02,525 --> 00:40:04,777 "It's not your fault, man. It's not yours..." 737 00:40:04,861 --> 00:40:06,905 Forget it. Be like Germany. 738 00:40:10,950 --> 00:40:13,620 Have you met Germans? At least they handle it, right? 739 00:40:13,703 --> 00:40:16,456 "Some crap happens. It's not cool. From now on, I'll be cold. 740 00:40:16,539 --> 00:40:19,018 High five. Take the train This is great. Sucks work! 741 00:40:19,042 --> 00:40:20,668 Because we live in an angry world. We live in an angry world. 742 00:40:22,545 --> 00:40:25,548 We need more love in the world. Do you agree with me? Yes or no. 743 00:40:25,632 --> 00:40:28,509 - [man] Whoo! - good 744 00:40:28,593 --> 00:40:29,427 745 00:40:29,510 --> 00:40:32,722 So after that setup is manipulative, I want to talk about India and Pakistan. 746 00:40:32,805 --> 00:40:34,432 - Let's start. - [cheering] 747 00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:37,661 I realize what happened with India and Pakistan 748 00:40:37,685 --> 00:40:40,563 is official leadership mostly on that side 749 00:40:40,647 --> 00:40:42,732 making a bad official decision 750 00:40:42,815 --> 00:40:44,192 I understand 751 00:40:44,275 --> 00:40:46,069 But we basically are the same people. 752 00:40:46,152 --> 00:40:47,612 - Yes or no? - Yes! 753 00:40:47,695 --> 00:40:50,823 Do we know why we hate each other, women and men? Do we know? 754 00:40:50,907 --> 00:40:52,408 We don't understand that hatred. 755 00:40:52,492 --> 00:40:54,369 Very stupid people because of that hatred 756 00:40:54,452 --> 00:40:56,454 Like going to war and watching cricket. 757 00:40:58,164 --> 00:40:59,892 There are three types of Indians who watch cricket 758 00:40:59,916 --> 00:41:02,251 Number one, enthusiast. They watch it every day. 759 00:41:02,335 --> 00:41:05,088 Number two, puritan. Watch a few months of the year. 760 00:41:05,171 --> 00:41:07,882 Number three, Indians who watch cricket one day a year 761 00:41:07,966 --> 00:41:09,926 just because you hate Pakistan 762 00:41:10,760 --> 00:41:12,428 You know who you are. 763 00:41:13,179 --> 00:41:16,224 And what is the big opinion between India and Pakistan? 764 00:41:16,307 --> 00:41:17,850 What is Kashmir? 765 00:41:18,643 --> 00:41:20,603 Right? We continue to talk about Kashmir. 766 00:41:20,687 --> 00:41:25,149 We continue to speak in Kashmir. Is anyone listening to Kashmir? 767 00:41:25,233 --> 00:41:26,734 - Really listening to - [man] not 768 00:41:27,318 --> 00:41:29,654 Kashmir is like a woman who is dating two people, 769 00:41:29,737 --> 00:41:31,990 and both of them are ordering food for him. 770 00:41:33,866 --> 00:41:36,077 So Indians like it, "He will have vegetables. 771 00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:37,745 Vegetables for Kashmir." 772 00:41:37,829 --> 00:41:41,708 And Pakistan like, "Oh no, no, no, no. Bring him beef. He likes beef." 773 00:41:42,500 --> 00:41:44,919 "He has been eating vegetables for 60 years." 774 00:41:45,003 --> 00:41:47,964 "Yeah, but when you sleep, He tries beef." 775 00:41:52,635 --> 00:41:55,722 "Oh, you want to give beef? Cool. Pigs. Pigs for Kashmir. 776 00:41:55,805 --> 00:41:57,181 Pigs on a plate of Kashmir." 777 00:41:57,265 --> 00:42:00,184 And Kashmir is the same as, "I want to fish. 778 00:42:01,686 --> 00:42:03,604 No one asks me." 779 00:42:03,688 --> 00:42:07,233 But that's what's fun being here. You know? 780 00:42:07,817 --> 00:42:09,902 As here, it doesn't matter. 781 00:42:11,029 --> 00:42:15,867 Like in the West, India, Pakistan, People Bangladesh, Nepal, Sri Lanka, 782 00:42:15,950 --> 00:42:18,161 we are all the same, right? 783 00:42:18,244 --> 00:42:19,244 [man] Yep. 784 00:42:19,287 --> 00:42:21,039 In the West, we are all Arabs. 785 00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:28,254 And there is unity in that. 786 00:42:28,337 --> 00:42:29,797 Unlike Arabs. 787 00:42:30,798 --> 00:42:33,009 Have you ever seen war in the Middle East? I do not understand. 788 00:42:33,092 --> 00:42:35,678 The people at the end are like, "God..." [imitating a shot] 789 00:42:37,472 --> 00:42:40,683 And the people on the other end are like, "God..." [imitating a shot] 790 00:42:42,101 --> 00:42:46,564 And I guarantee, God is only in heaven like, "Fuck! 791 00:42:49,734 --> 00:42:51,360 Which are you?" 792 00:42:52,403 --> 00:42:55,281 I don't even... This is why we find chess, remember? 793 00:42:57,075 --> 00:42:59,035 "I need consultation. Grand, come here, man." 794 00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:00,661 "Yes, of course. What is that?" 795 00:43:01,537 --> 00:43:03,377 "Do you remember which one is good?" 796 00:43:03,456 --> 00:43:05,708 "Go to hell. I still haven't talked to you." 797 00:43:06,542 --> 00:43:08,544 "Man, are you still sulking?" 798 00:43:09,087 --> 00:43:12,590 "Look, when we start the band, it is Allah and Akbar. 799 00:43:12,673 --> 00:43:14,467 Good? Allah and Akbar. 800 00:43:14,550 --> 00:43:16,469 Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid. 801 00:43:16,552 --> 00:43:18,012 Allah and Akbar. . Allah and Akbar. 802 00:43:18,096 --> 00:43:21,057 But now that is Allah. Who is the Great, huh? 803 00:43:21,140 --> 00:43:24,185 804 00:43:30,900 --> 00:43:33,194 This is what everyone says, & apos; Oh, I know God. 805 00:43:33,277 --> 00:43:34,904 Who is Akbar? " 806 00:43:35,696 --> 00:43:37,698 Mr. Breakout Solo Artist. 807 00:43:38,366 --> 00:43:40,201 Mr. Muslim Timberlake." 808 00:43:42,453 --> 00:43:45,206 You love each other Do you meet each other? 809 00:43:52,463 --> 00:43:55,591 What, I ask for social security? number or something? 810 00:43:56,843 --> 00:43:58,363 - You. What is your name? - [man] Varun 811 00:43:58,427 --> 00:44:00,388 Varun, is this your beautiful wife? 812 00:44:01,222 --> 00:44:02,098 - [Varun] No. - No? 813 00:44:02,181 --> 00:44:03,826 Is he your girlfriend? How long have you been together? 814 00:44:03,850 --> 00:44:06,477 - One half. - Why don't you do this nonsense, man? 815 00:44:09,313 --> 00:44:12,650 I didn't fly 2,000 miles to New York to talk to the damn Varun. 816 00:44:15,236 --> 00:44:18,489 Good. I am now offended by both parts of the crowd. We are in a good place. 817 00:44:18,573 --> 00:44:21,951 I believe I have the worst first kiss in the history of the first kiss. 818 00:44:22,034 --> 00:44:23,452 Let me tell you why. 819 00:44:23,536 --> 00:44:25,830 Because my first kiss happened in the 90s 820 00:44:26,497 --> 00:44:28,499 And the 90s was a reckless time. 821 00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:30,835 We only kiss without information. 822 00:44:31,711 --> 00:44:34,314 At the moment, there is information right? You can Google map his lips. 823 00:44:34,338 --> 00:44:36,591 YouTube techniques Contact Uber. Damn it works. 824 00:44:37,383 --> 00:44:40,469 But in the 90s in India, we had two references to kissing exercises. 825 00:44:40,553 --> 00:44:42,471 Number one, Hollywood movies. 826 00:44:43,306 --> 00:44:45,224 Number two, Bollywood movies. 827 00:44:46,392 --> 00:44:49,854 Hollywood films, every time There are white people kissing on TV, 828 00:44:49,937 --> 00:44:52,857 Indian parents quickly passed dirt from the tape. 829 00:44:53,482 --> 00:44:56,360 "This is sin. This is sin. My child will not watch it." 830 00:44:56,903 --> 00:45:00,072 So all white people look like two zombies eat nonsense with each other. 831 00:45:01,949 --> 00:45:05,161 I'm 36 years old Today, if I see White people kiss, I can't sleep. 832 00:45:06,996 --> 00:45:09,540 And Bollywood kisses in the 90s, really? 833 00:45:10,708 --> 00:45:13,294 I will tell you What is a Bollywood kiss in the 90s. 834 00:45:14,253 --> 00:45:16,547 So let's paint the scene, okay? 835 00:45:16,631 --> 00:45:19,467 The man goes like this. [grumble] 836 00:45:20,384 --> 00:45:22,011 Twenty feet away. 837 00:45:24,805 --> 00:45:26,432 The girl left... [grumble] 838 00:45:31,729 --> 00:45:34,440 Two flowers make love to each other, and everyone is happy. 839 00:45:34,523 --> 00:45:37,151 [applause] 840 00:45:38,027 --> 00:45:40,655 We don't show kisses. We only show two flowers. 841 00:45:45,326 --> 00:45:47,620 Cut back to the boy. [slurps] Ahh! 842 00:45:49,455 --> 00:45:52,625 Because all nations will go, "Ooh, horticulture, yes." 843 00:45:53,751 --> 00:45:55,086 Chlorophyll. 844 00:45:56,504 --> 00:45:58,005 Potatoes. 845 00:46:02,551 --> 00:46:04,553 So I don't know many things about kissing 846 00:46:04,637 --> 00:46:07,306 For example, I don't know that kissing the tongue involved. 847 00:46:08,224 --> 00:46:09,892 I mean, I know that now. 848 00:46:15,856 --> 00:46:16,941 Hello. 849 00:46:18,025 --> 00:46:20,695 No, madam, I know there A different approach to the tongue. 850 00:46:20,778 --> 00:46:22,238 That's why you laugh. 851 00:46:22,321 --> 00:46:24,490 You know, Some people don't like a lot of tongue. 852 00:46:25,282 --> 00:46:26,969 Some people come to you like Lord Voldemort. 853 00:46:26,993 --> 00:46:28,327 [talking nonsense] 854 00:46:30,413 --> 00:46:32,415 [bullshit continues] 855 00:46:33,290 --> 00:46:35,209 This is a visual that will haunt you tonight 856 00:46:35,292 --> 00:46:37,253 [speaking nonsense] 857 00:46:37,336 --> 00:46:40,089 I don't know about the tongue, So, imagine my surprise 858 00:46:40,172 --> 00:46:42,174 When the first two minutes of my kiss, 859 00:46:42,258 --> 00:46:44,927 Suddenly a tongue appears on the door, like, "Bonjour. 860 00:46:45,594 --> 00:46:47,054 Can I enter?" 861 00:46:47,596 --> 00:46:49,015 I know now as an adult, 862 00:46:49,098 --> 00:46:51,392 the correct response is to be like, " Bonsoir. 863 00:46:51,475 --> 00:46:54,061 We have been waiting for you. 864 00:46:54,145 --> 00:46:56,313 Can I show the living room?" 865 00:46:56,397 --> 00:46:57,940 Because this is a French thing, isn't it? 866 00:46:58,024 --> 00:47:00,317 The two French children come with a French kiss? 867 00:47:00,818 --> 00:47:03,612 Stop in the middle of a normal kiss and go, "Stop, stop, stop." 868 00:47:04,613 --> 00:47:05,656 [inhaling] 869 00:47:05,740 --> 00:47:08,242 This kiss is bad. [punch] 870 00:47:08,325 --> 00:47:09,994 Where is the passion? 871 00:47:10,077 --> 00:47:11,871 Where is the discovery? 872 00:47:11,954 --> 00:47:13,456 Where is "eating" it? 873 00:47:13,998 --> 00:47:15,624 - "Do you mean the heat?" - "No, eat. 874 00:47:16,625 --> 00:47:18,169 I want to eat your face 875 00:47:19,003 --> 00:47:21,088 I want to taste the surface of your soul. 876 00:47:21,172 --> 00:47:23,549 I want to know what you eat lunch. 877 00:47:24,633 --> 00:47:26,553 I want to find a small cavity between your teeth 878 00:47:26,594 --> 00:47:28,721 and hide my feelings there. " 879 00:47:29,472 --> 00:47:31,515 So once the tongue appears in my mouth, 880 00:47:31,599 --> 00:47:32,933 I think this is a mistake. 881 00:47:33,017 --> 00:47:34,268 I close my teeth. 882 00:47:35,603 --> 00:47:38,606 So now the tongue is licking the surface of my teeth. 883 00:47:38,689 --> 00:47:40,983 Just like a window washing machine in a skyscraper. 884 00:47:41,734 --> 00:47:44,934 Like trying to find an office in Connaught Place. On the left, he gets the right. 885 00:47:47,490 --> 00:47:50,618 Connaught place like Amish underwear. It's very difficult to find entries. 886 00:47:50,701 --> 00:47:51,869 OK, now... 887 00:47:53,829 --> 00:47:55,015 I still think this is a mistake. 888 00:47:55,039 --> 00:47:58,584 So now I send my tongue to push his tongue back to his territory. 889 00:47:58,667 --> 00:48:01,879 Our tongue language like India and Pakistan. Fucking a strike operation occurs. 890 00:48:02,797 --> 00:48:04,340 And our nose hits each other. 891 00:48:04,423 --> 00:48:07,843 There is water running down my face, mixing with snot, into our mouth. 892 00:48:07,927 --> 00:48:10,679 Our kiss feels like a salty Goa beach. 893 00:48:10,763 --> 00:48:13,974 And in the middle of all that, My nostrils start whistling. 894 00:48:19,230 --> 00:48:21,440 So my first kiss sounds like this. 895 00:48:21,524 --> 00:48:23,275 [imitating a kiss, whistling] 896 00:48:24,527 --> 00:48:26,529 And the girl is very sweet, she returns. 897 00:48:26,612 --> 00:48:28,239 [imitating a kiss, whistling] 898 00:48:29,240 --> 00:48:31,742 There are dogs and taxis stop around us 899 00:48:31,826 --> 00:48:34,745 Seven dwarves come from the forest. That is very beautiful. 900 00:48:35,788 --> 00:48:38,916 I can feel vomit in his mouth and go back down. 901 00:48:38,999 --> 00:48:40,668 [audience groaning] 902 00:48:40,751 --> 00:48:42,951 This is too easy for this generation. Do you know what I mean? 903 00:48:43,003 --> 00:48:45,464 I have a niece, right? And that's how he met girls. 904 00:48:45,548 --> 00:48:48,884 He sent them an message and he was like, "Hey, kid, are you awake?" 905 00:48:50,427 --> 00:48:52,263 And then the girl is like, "I wake up." 906 00:48:53,222 --> 00:48:56,142 And then it's up. I don't know how... 907 00:48:59,520 --> 00:49:03,357 We have to take the compass and write The girl's name is on our damn arm right? 908 00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:04,440 Puja! 909 00:49:07,778 --> 00:49:10,865 I believe, ladies and gentlemen, while we talk about love, 910 00:49:10,948 --> 00:49:14,952 that India does not have the right to call itself a progressive state 911 00:49:15,035 --> 00:49:17,997 Until someone in India can love what they want, 912 00:49:18,080 --> 00:49:22,459 regardless of race, caste, trust or sexual orientation. 913 00:49:22,543 --> 00:49:24,879 [cheering] 914 00:49:25,754 --> 00:49:29,550 Like, I understand homosexuality, women and men. 915 00:49:29,633 --> 00:49:33,596 I mean, I'm not interested in other men, but I can see how someone will... 916 00:49:35,014 --> 00:49:37,183 interested in other men. 917 00:49:37,266 --> 00:49:39,894 Because I have been with many women who has been 918 00:49:40,978 --> 00:49:42,605 [laughter] 919 00:49:43,772 --> 00:49:45,750 But this is crime in India, women and men. 920 00:49:45,774 --> 00:49:47,902 This is a crime. How? 921 00:49:47,985 --> 00:49:52,031 If it is a crime, there must be a way investigation and method of judgment. 922 00:49:52,114 --> 00:49:54,742 How do you judge a gay crime? Is there an experiment? 923 00:49:55,451 --> 00:49:57,536 "Order! Order! 924 00:49:57,620 --> 00:49:59,622 The defendant will now be inducted. "I don't know, man, but I have to tell you. 925 00:50:00,414 --> 00:50:02,416 This is the first Gita I've handled it." 926 00:50:02,499 --> 00:50:04,376 "Stop making jokes in my trial. 927 00:50:05,169 --> 00:50:06,962 Defendants have been charged with sodomy, fellatio excessive 928 00:50:07,046 --> 00:50:09,798 "Are you saying you don't have sex with another man?" 929 00:50:16,597 --> 00:50:18,724 930 00:50:19,433 --> 00:50:24,688 931 00:50:24,772 --> 00:50:26,357 932 00:50:27,900 --> 00:50:30,527 933 00:50:30,611 --> 00:50:32,863 934 00:50:32,947 --> 00:50:35,115 "No, I'm just saying that I don't feel guilty. 935 00:50:37,117 --> 00:50:39,411 Can I beg & apos; very satisfied & apos ;?" 936 00:50:41,914 --> 00:50:43,374 But it's not just sodomy. 937 00:50:43,457 --> 00:50:46,835 Do you know that according to 377, oral and anal also violates the law? 938 00:50:46,919 --> 00:50:48,170 Do you know this? 939 00:50:48,254 --> 00:50:51,340 Oral sex and anal sex against the law in India 940 00:50:52,216 --> 00:50:55,678 We have 1.2 billion people. 941 00:51:02,393 --> 00:51:04,812 [applause, applause] 942 00:51:05,771 --> 00:51:07,856 Forget oral and anal legalization. 943 00:51:07,940 --> 00:51:10,150 We have to advertise that nonsense. 944 00:51:12,278 --> 00:51:14,863 There must be an billboard with a punch on them. 945 00:51:15,531 --> 00:51:17,616 We should be Anal Day. 946 00:51:17,700 --> 00:51:19,743 We must have a History Month As. 947 00:51:20,119 --> 00:51:22,121 Hashtag: Back Lives Matter. 948 00:51:22,705 --> 00:51:25,165 [cheering] 949 00:51:25,249 --> 00:51:27,626 There must be an "all-odomy" party. 950 00:51:28,669 --> 00:51:31,422 The prime minister must do it a radio program called "Bum ki Baat." 951 00:51:31,505 --> 00:51:33,632 Every Sunday "Bum ki Baat!" 952 00:51:42,891 --> 00:51:45,436 And let's talk about the whole community, Not just gay men. 953 00:51:45,519 --> 00:51:47,980 Let's talk about LGBT. 954 00:51:48,063 --> 00:51:50,816 Lesbians, gay... [muttering] 955 00:51:53,319 --> 00:51:56,572 Because as Indian men, we don't have a response to lesbianism, right? 956 00:51:57,156 --> 00:51:59,241 We just don't acknowledge its existence. 957 00:51:59,325 --> 00:52:02,578 After 2,000 years of educated evolution, 958 00:52:02,661 --> 00:52:06,123 all of our responses to lesbians are fair, "Huh? 959 00:52:08,375 --> 00:52:09,710 What?" 960 00:52:10,294 --> 00:52:12,629 Like, for us, lesbians are Bluetooth headsets. 961 00:52:12,713 --> 00:52:14,673 "How do you pair...? 962 00:52:16,425 --> 00:52:17,718 Are there cables?" 963 00:52:19,678 --> 00:52:21,972 Like, for us, lesbians are iPhone 7. 964 00:52:22,056 --> 00:52:23,390 There is no jack 965 00:52:25,267 --> 00:52:26,602 There is no jack 966 00:52:28,479 --> 00:52:31,106 I understand heartbreak 967 00:52:32,399 --> 00:52:36,028 You know, sometimes it's a relationship. Sometimes it's an election. 968 00:52:36,111 --> 00:52:37,613 [sighs] 969 00:52:38,197 --> 00:52:39,990 Is there a broken heart? 970 00:52:40,074 --> 00:52:42,576 If your heart breaks, raise your hand. Are you 971 00:52:44,244 --> 00:52:47,581 You do things that you are proud of when you return your life back 972 00:52:47,664 --> 00:52:49,500 that you will enjoy, right? 973 00:52:49,583 --> 00:52:52,920 Number two, you will do many things that you are not proud of 974 00:52:53,003 --> 00:52:55,172 that you really will really enjoy, right? 975 00:52:56,465 --> 00:52:58,050 I will tell a story. 976 00:52:58,133 --> 00:53:01,053 Two years ago, in October, I was married to the woman of my dreams. 977 00:53:01,136 --> 00:53:04,098 Now, this is the first time in my life that I'm married 978 00:53:04,181 --> 00:53:06,600 The second time in my life that I tried to get married. 979 00:53:07,935 --> 00:53:09,186 I am now in my 30s. 980 00:53:09,269 --> 00:53:12,981 When I was 28 years old, I experienced bad luck had to cancel marriage 981 00:53:13,065 --> 00:53:14,733 But, uh... uh, mine alone. 982 00:53:16,527 --> 00:53:19,279 This is not like I canceled someone else's marriage 983 00:53:19,363 --> 00:53:21,782 Only Indian fathers can do that nonsense. 984 00:53:22,491 --> 00:53:24,034 "You can't go." 985 00:53:24,118 --> 00:53:26,412 "But I love him." [imitating slap] "Shut up, Fatima." 986 00:53:27,704 --> 00:53:30,100 This is the information you need to know. I applied for a girl. 987 00:53:30,124 --> 00:53:31,708 I got the proposal right, ladies. 988 00:53:31,792 --> 00:53:35,546 Vice president of a suite in a hotel, 2,000 roses, 900 candles. 989 00:53:35,671 --> 00:53:37,923 I kneel and propose, 990 00:53:38,006 --> 00:53:41,718 as a violin string quartet play our favorite song 991 00:53:42,636 --> 00:53:44,012 - [woman] Whoo! - huh? 992 00:53:44,096 --> 00:53:47,141 And, women, the most important part of the process is... 993 00:53:47,808 --> 00:53:48,684 [audience] Ring 994 00:53:48,767 --> 00:53:51,019 Not the ring, you selfish whore, no. 995 00:53:51,770 --> 00:53:53,105 Where are my romantic people? 996 00:53:53,188 --> 00:53:55,068 The most important part of the process is... 997 00:53:55,149 --> 00:53:57,085 - [woman] knee - Knee. There you go. 998 00:53:57,109 --> 00:53:58,777 Give him a big round of applause. 999 00:53:59,528 --> 00:54:02,573 Knee. It's very important, right, woman, to get down on one knee? 1000 00:54:02,656 --> 00:54:03,740 Yes, yes 1001 00:54:03,824 --> 00:54:05,844 That's when they understand they are being proposed for 1002 00:54:05,868 --> 00:54:08,871 When your knee goes "uh," their brain goes pinging. They understand. 1003 00:54:09,788 --> 00:54:11,933 It's always the first they talk about in the story. 1004 00:54:11,957 --> 00:54:14,877 "Oh, God, it's very romantic. He falls on one knee. What else will he do, a Surya Namaskara? 1005 00:54:14,960 --> 00:54:17,963 He can't kneel. That's your job 1006 00:54:18,046 --> 00:54:21,842 [audience] Ohh! 1007 00:54:21,925 --> 00:54:24,928 I'm sorry. Engineer, it's a job joke. 1008 00:54:27,222 --> 00:54:29,641 I mean this, ladies and gentlemen. My proposal is big. 1009 00:54:29,725 --> 00:54:32,644 Will you agree, my dear? 1010 00:54:32,728 --> 00:54:35,314 1011 00:54:42,112 --> 00:54:44,382 1012 00:54:44,406 --> 00:54:46,200 1013 00:54:46,283 --> 00:54:48,952 - So my separation should be... - Grand! 1014 00:54:49,036 --> 00:54:52,164 Unless I break up on Skype. 1015 00:54:53,415 --> 00:54:56,460 Which is still okay If it's Snapchat, I will shoot myself. 1016 00:54:57,127 --> 00:54:59,630 The information you need to know is this. 1017 00:54:59,713 --> 00:55:04,051 My fiance went abroad to New York to complete her MBA before our wedding. 1018 00:55:04,134 --> 00:55:07,638 In college, he is very funny study partner, a man I have never liked, 1019 00:55:07,721 --> 00:55:11,600 Because when I see his face, I know there must be a twist. 1020 00:55:13,477 --> 00:55:16,438 We have sent 1,000 invitations to people in Delhi, 1021 00:55:16,522 --> 00:55:19,107 which means 9,000 people come to the wedding 1022 00:55:20,442 --> 00:55:23,529 Like Delhi people call it, "Family marriage is small and intimate." 1023 00:55:24,238 --> 00:55:26,365 Now Friday night, three o'clock in the morning, 1024 00:55:26,448 --> 00:55:28,116 three months before my wedding 1025 00:55:28,200 --> 00:55:30,327 My fiance has told me that she fell in love 1026 00:55:30,410 --> 00:55:32,246 and will leave me for him. 1027 00:55:32,329 --> 00:55:34,289 Unless he doesn't say that. 1028 00:55:34,957 --> 00:55:37,334 - He typed it - [audience] Ohh! 1029 00:55:37,417 --> 00:55:39,127 On Skype. 1030 00:55:39,211 --> 00:55:42,005 You Indian engineers can appreciate how messed up it is. 1031 00:55:43,382 --> 00:55:45,592 "He doesn't use it video chat interface? 1032 00:55:48,720 --> 00:55:50,722 We have designed video chat interface. 1033 00:55:52,391 --> 00:55:56,311 Millions of Indians have died as virgins in San Jose, California, to design..." 1034 00:55:58,605 --> 00:56:01,358 You know the small chat box at the bottom of Skype 1035 00:56:01,441 --> 00:56:02,943 for when does nonsense not work? 1036 00:56:03,026 --> 00:56:04,111 Unless that crap works. 1037 00:56:04,194 --> 00:56:07,531 So you are watching someone You can hear typing messages for you. 1038 00:56:07,614 --> 00:56:10,909 Meanwhile, you only see an box that says "typing, typing, typing." 1039 00:56:10,993 --> 00:56:13,930 When you wait for your heart to fall apart. "Typing, typing, typing, typing." 1040 00:56:13,954 --> 00:56:16,516 For karma it will change the direction of your whole life 1041 00:56:16,540 --> 00:56:18,750 "Typing, typing, typing, typing." 1042 00:56:18,834 --> 00:56:21,128 And which of you is a bastard technician 1043 00:56:21,211 --> 00:56:24,047 come with "typing, typing, typing, typing"? 1044 00:56:25,591 --> 00:56:28,343 Even on WhatsApp, this is very annoying. Yes or no? 1045 00:56:28,427 --> 00:56:30,554 - yes! - Can we not make it more honest? 1046 00:56:30,637 --> 00:56:31,722 "Typing. 1047 00:56:32,472 --> 00:56:33,473 Still typing. 1048 00:56:34,641 --> 00:56:36,476 I'm very bad in English. 1049 00:56:37,686 --> 00:56:40,022 I'm on Vodafone. This can take nine months." 1050 00:56:41,940 --> 00:56:44,651 But no. "Typing, typing, typing, typing." 1051 00:56:44,735 --> 00:56:46,695 And then the confession arrived. 1052 00:56:46,778 --> 00:56:48,697 And things about heartbreak... 1053 00:56:49,406 --> 00:56:51,950 whether it's downgrade immediately your intelligence 1054 00:56:52,034 --> 00:56:54,953 to the level of intelligence from people who break your heart 1055 00:56:58,915 --> 00:57:01,918 Because suddenly, I don't know what to say. 1056 00:57:02,878 --> 00:57:05,339 And I am a public speaker. 1057 00:57:07,090 --> 00:57:08,383 So for some reason, 1058 00:57:08,467 --> 00:57:12,929 I still don't understand why I started retyping 1059 00:57:14,848 --> 00:57:17,476 Because my logic is if I can't voice "fuck you," 1060 00:57:17,559 --> 00:57:19,811 Then, for God's sake, I will use it. 1061 00:57:23,565 --> 00:57:26,026 And then just "typing, typing, typing, typing." 1062 00:57:26,109 --> 00:57:27,945 and psoosh! 1063 00:57:28,028 --> 00:57:29,905 Do you know that the sound is on Skype? Psoosh! 1064 00:57:29,988 --> 00:57:32,699 That's the sound from the heart of a man destroyed Psoosh! 1065 00:57:33,742 --> 00:57:36,745 And then Friday night, three o'clock in the morning, 1066 00:57:36,828 --> 00:57:38,747 is where I made my cardinal mistake. 1067 00:57:38,830 --> 00:57:42,918 I entered Facebook. 1068 00:57:44,378 --> 00:57:46,338 We've all done it, haven't we? 1069 00:57:46,421 --> 00:57:49,633 Make a mistake thinking about you Facebook friends are your true friends. 1070 00:57:51,385 --> 00:57:53,637 But you won't get it on Facebook. 1071 00:57:54,554 --> 00:57:59,059 The only interaction that you will get from other human souls on Facebook 1072 00:57:59,142 --> 00:58:03,063 is "like, like, thumb, thumb, sharing, sharing, LOL, LOL, 1073 00:58:03,146 --> 00:58:08,110 smileys, smileys, winky smiley, smiley crooked, na-na-na-na-na." 1074 00:58:08,694 --> 00:58:10,737 And the worst, LULZ. 1075 00:58:12,614 --> 00:58:14,241 "L-U... 1076 00:58:15,993 --> 00:58:17,995 L-Z." 1077 00:58:18,078 --> 00:58:19,413 LULZ. 1078 00:58:20,122 --> 00:58:22,791 Because, apparently, LOL is not enough for Indians. 1079 00:58:27,713 --> 00:58:30,382 So in the middle of the night, I changed my Facebook status... 1080 00:58:32,092 --> 00:58:33,719 from "engaging" to "single". 1081 00:58:34,761 --> 00:58:39,850 And I go to bed thinking, "Tomorrow will be a brighter day." 1082 00:58:40,600 --> 00:58:42,436 [whistles] 1083 00:58:43,478 --> 00:58:44,563 LULZ. 1084 00:58:46,773 --> 00:58:48,734 My homeworker calls me at 9:00 a.m. 1085 00:58:48,817 --> 00:58:52,070 and said, "Vir, did you change? your Facebook status last night?" 1086 00:58:53,196 --> 00:58:54,406 [whimpers] "Ye-Yeah." 1087 00:58:55,157 --> 00:58:57,784 "You know reporters are your friends on Facebook, right, Vir?" 1088 00:58:59,494 --> 00:59:01,621 "You mean they're not my first friends?" 1089 00:59:02,122 --> 00:59:05,459 "The newspaper will do an article about your marriage being canceled." 1090 00:59:05,542 --> 00:59:08,545 I can't tell you which newspaper? I was told I would be prosecuted. 1091 00:59:09,671 --> 00:59:10,671 Because it's Netflix. 1092 00:59:10,714 --> 00:59:14,217 But, uh, it rhymes with "Windustan Times." 1093 00:59:21,475 --> 00:59:22,475 [chuckles] 1094 00:59:22,517 --> 00:59:24,061 Legal path. 1095 00:59:25,687 --> 00:59:28,315 So now we have lined up an article with another newspaper 1096 00:59:28,398 --> 00:59:32,736 I can't tell you which newspaper, But it rhymes with "Wombay Times." 1097 00:59:34,488 --> 00:59:37,408 "So you will write a column about being single in Mumbai, life. 1098 00:59:37,491 --> 00:59:41,161 We put a positive spin on it, and that's how we deliver the news. Yay. " 1099 00:59:42,079 --> 00:59:45,040 I have been single in Mumbai for six hours 1100 00:59:46,416 --> 00:59:48,919 But here I am, just write this column about how I believe 1101 00:59:49,002 --> 00:59:51,004 Mumbai is the greatest city in the world 1102 00:59:51,088 --> 00:59:55,300 to find a girl and fall in love and settling and renting an apartment. If you are not a North Indian actor, not vegetarian, not Muslim, 1103 00:59:55,383 --> 00:59:57,903 You will be fine. 1104 00:59:57,969 --> 00:59:58,969 And the newspaper really likes it, they don't put it in the local newspaper them. that's how I canceled my wedding. 1105 01:00:00,639 --> 01:00:03,892 On that day, nothing appeared. 1106 01:00:03,975 --> 01:00:06,978 1107 01:00:07,062 --> 01:00:09,481 1108 01:00:11,691 --> 01:00:15,821 1109 01:00:16,530 --> 01:00:18,949 1110 01:00:19,825 --> 01:00:23,203 1111 01:00:24,830 --> 01:00:26,623 But what am I saying? 1112 01:00:26,706 --> 01:00:29,835 When you are heartbroken, You will do things that you are proud of that you will enjoy. 1113 01:00:29,918 --> 01:00:31,336 You will do many things that you are not proud of 1114 01:00:32,254 --> 01:00:34,840 that you will really, really, really enjoy 1115 01:00:34,923 --> 01:00:37,634 So this is what I'm proud of. 1116 01:00:38,468 --> 01:00:40,554 Seven months after this happens, I met a beautiful girl at a party. 1117 01:00:40,637 --> 01:00:43,640 Beautiful. Intelligence. Ambitious. Encouraged. Just amazing 1118 01:00:44,224 --> 01:00:47,269 And I said, "Hi. My name is Vir Das." And he said, "Oh, I know who you are." 1119 01:00:47,352 --> 01:00:51,398 I thought maybe he had watched a movie, and if it wasn't Mastizaade, it was okay. 1120 01:00:51,481 --> 01:00:55,527 And he's like, "No. I read an article in the newspaper 1121 01:00:57,946 --> 01:01:00,198 that you wrote about love. 1122 01:01:00,282 --> 01:01:02,075 1123 01:01:02,159 --> 01:01:05,537 And I think you get love In this very cool and fun way. " 1124 01:01:06,204 --> 01:01:09,082 Women and men, That girl is now my wife. 1125 01:01:11,084 --> 01:01:13,670 [cheering] 1126 01:01:13,753 --> 01:01:15,172 And that's good. 1127 01:01:15,255 --> 01:01:16,965 I enjoy that crap. I'm not so proud of... 1128 01:01:17,048 --> 01:01:18,592 that I really enjoy. 1129 01:01:19,759 --> 01:01:21,636 Two months after that happens, a girl from New York City calls 1130 01:01:22,679 --> 01:01:24,556 and says, "I'm very sorry. 1131 01:01:25,182 --> 01:01:27,809 I am in a quiet place. I am vulnerable. I need someone to hold me back. 1132 01:01:27,893 --> 01:01:29,227 Can you talk to me about this? Can we forgive each other? 1133 01:01:29,311 --> 01:01:32,355 Can you bring me back and start talking about this and build our relationship? " 1134 01:01:32,439 --> 01:01:34,458 And I say... 1135 01:01:34,482 --> 01:01:37,652 -" Yes. " - [audience] Ohh! 1136 01:01:37,736 --> 01:01:39,404 " Come on Skype. " 1137 01:01:40,822 --> 01:01:43,033 1138 01:01:43,116 --> 01:01:45,243 1139 01:01:45,327 --> 01:01:49,873 And I insert the text of the article really slowly into the chat box, 1140 01:01:49,956 --> 01:01:51,124 row by row. 1141 01:01:51,208 --> 01:01:53,543 Because I know somewhere in the world, 1142 01:01:53,627 --> 01:01:58,298 he only sees a box that says, "typing, typing, typing, typing... 1143 01:01:58,924 --> 01:02:01,509 typing, typing, typing, typing. 1144 01:02:02,469 --> 01:02:03,469 LULZ." 1145 01:02:12,395 --> 01:02:13,396 [chuckles] 1146 01:02:16,775 --> 01:02:19,653 The show will end in 120 seconds. 1147 01:02:20,487 --> 01:02:22,489 I never know how to end the show. 1148 01:02:23,448 --> 01:02:24,783 What do I say? 1149 01:02:25,367 --> 01:02:28,453 I can tell you that I started my career in this city... 1150 01:02:30,205 --> 01:02:32,499 in the show for 60 people. 1151 01:02:33,208 --> 01:02:36,294 And I swear to myself One day I will come back here and I will sell the stadium. 1152 01:02:36,378 --> 01:02:38,672 But that's not true. 1153 01:02:41,007 --> 01:02:42,425 I have not sold this stadium. 1154 01:02:42,884 --> 01:02:45,512 1155 01:02:45,595 --> 01:02:48,139 Ten percent of you work for the government or the police 1156 01:02:48,223 --> 01:02:50,433 or some kind of damn VIP. 1157 01:02:52,686 --> 01:02:58,149 I can say that it was my dream performed at an iconic American comedy club. 1158 01:02:58,692 --> 01:03:00,694 But that's not true. 1159 01:03:01,278 --> 01:03:04,281 This is not an American comedy icon. 1160 01:03:05,615 --> 01:03:08,034 Comedy Shop in LA, That crap must be fun, 1161 01:03:08,118 --> 01:03:10,078 but this is a good start. 1162 01:03:10,161 --> 01:03:13,164 I can tell you that this is goodbye for a while 1163 01:03:13,248 --> 01:03:16,751 because I want to go all over the world, and I want to show them 1164 01:03:16,835 --> 01:03:21,047 Indian comedy is more than only head bobbed jokes and funny accents. 1165 01:03:21,131 --> 01:03:22,966 [cheering] 1166 01:03:25,719 --> 01:03:27,595 But that's not true. 1167 01:03:27,679 --> 01:03:31,349 When I get there, I will do it dilapidated jokes and funny accents. 1168 01:03:31,433 --> 01:03:34,853 I can tell you that I believe I am very excited about this market 1169 01:03:34,936 --> 01:03:38,481 because I believe it is the mecca for great performance 1170 01:03:38,565 --> 01:03:39,941 from all over the world 1171 01:03:41,526 --> 01:03:43,445 But that's not true. 1172 01:03:43,528 --> 01:03:45,965 That was true two weeks ago. I don't think we will get another visa. 1173 01:03:45,989 --> 01:03:47,198 That's my point 1174 01:03:49,409 --> 01:03:51,661 Or I can tell you all I want to say to you 1175 01:03:51,745 --> 01:03:55,290 And I can sandwich it between sarcasm and ignorance. 1176 01:03:55,042 --> 01:03:58,251 Because I know you 1177 01:03:58,335 --> 01:04:00,378 And you know me 1178 01:04:00,462 --> 01:04:02,589 And I know that you will understand. 1179 01:04:03,465 --> 01:04:05,383 My name is Vir Das. 1180 01:04:05,800 --> 01:04:06,634 Thank you. 1181 01:04:06,718 --> 01:04:07,927 Namaste. 1182 01:04:08,011 --> 01:04:09,220 Jai hind. 1183 01:04:09,304 --> 01:04:10,889 Good night. 1184 01:04:10,972 --> 01:04:12,515 [cheering] 1185 01:04:17,145 --> 01:04:19,481 [cheering on] 1186 01:04:20,231 --> 01:04:23,151 [rock intro] 1187 01:04:32,243 --> 01:04:34,120 [man singing: rock] 1188 01:04:49,010 --> 01:04:52,055 [singing continues] 1189 01:05:10,073 --> 01:05:11,074 Submitted by: www.subtitlecinema.com