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Visit www.Hokijudi99.id
Trusted Secure Online Gambling Agent

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Please and do the lights.

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[audience cheers]

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Continue.

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Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K.

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[audience cheers]

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Hello.

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Thank you.

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Thank you very much.

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Thank you.

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Um...

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-So, you know, I think abortion is, um...
- [audience laughs]

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I...

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This is what I think.

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[audience laughs]

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This is what I am - This is what I think.

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This is what I think.
MY--

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I think you should not have an
abortion unless you need it  [audience laughs]

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In this case--
In this case, you should get it.

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I mean, seriously.

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If you need an abortion,
you should get it.

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Don't mess around.

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And hurry up.

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[audience laughs]

26
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Do not get an abortion
what you need is like not taking dirt.

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That's how bad it is.

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It's like not taking dirt.

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That's what I think.

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I think abortion is exactly like
bad luck.

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I think it is 100%
The exact same thing as taking dirt.

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or not.

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[audience laughs]

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That, or not.

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It's good to take dirt,
or kill a baby

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[audience laughs]

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That is only one of two things.

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There is nothing else.

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If you don't like to hear it
It's like taking nonsense,

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You think it kills the baby.
That is the only thing you can get.

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Which means you have to hold a sign
in front of the place

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[audience laughs]

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People hate abortion protesters.
They are very shrill and horrible.

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They think babies are killed.

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What are they supposed to be like?
"Uh, that's not cool."

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I don't want to be a dick about it, though.

47
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I don't want to ruin their day as they are
kill some babies all the time

48
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I don't think it's killing a baby.
Not me.

49
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I mean, it's a little,

50
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This kills a little baby.
It's a little...

51
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100% kill babies.
This really kills whole babies.

52
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[audience laughs]

53
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But I think women should be allowed
to kill babies

54
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That's what I think.

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They must be allowed to kill babies.

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Yes.
[laughs]

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[crowd cheering]

58
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What

59
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We can kill babies!

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Let's do a few shots and kill some babies.

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[audience laughs]

62
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I was killed like four babies last night.
It's backward.

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It must be one or the other.

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You know, like, when people say,
abortion must be legal, safe and rare.

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Why is it rare if you have to be legal?

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If it must be legal,
it & apos; s-- [raspberry punch] it shitting

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If it has to be rare, it will kill the baby  But, once again, women must be permitted
because...

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Two reasons I think women
must be allowed to kill babies.

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Number one,
I don't think life is important.

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No.

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That's not it.

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[audience cheers]

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People are too excited...

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about life.
"Oh, life."

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Fuck you
That's not it--

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Make a list of every bad thing that has ever existed,
that in life

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[audience laughs]

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Life is okay.
I like life

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I like that.
I don't need it

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I'll be fine without that

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I like life.
I do
Do you know how much I like life?

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I never killed myself.

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-That's how I like it.
- [woman] Whoo!

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That's how much I like it,
with thin margins.

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I really like it
not to commit suicide

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This is a choice, though.
This is really a choice.

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I mean, I'm 49. I have two children.

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I have been flipping through the brochure
several times.

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[audience laughs]

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I've thought about killing myself
to win an argument

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[audience laughs]

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It shouldn't talk about suicide,
even reaching your psychiatrist.

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You have been to a psychiatrist and they are like,
"Do you have thoughts... kill yourself?"

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And you are like, "No, because
if I say yes, you will press the button,

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and people will run and hold me back -
" Hold him! "

97
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You have to talk about it.

98
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All the world is only made of humans
who don't commit suicide today.

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Who is here

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We all go,
"Okay, just kill, keep doing."

101
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[audience laughs]

102
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[ the audience claps]

103
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His...

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[audience cheers]

105
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This is an interesting thing about life.

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Life can be very difficult,
very sad, very annoying.

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But you don't need to do it.
You don't need to do it.

108
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You don't need to do anything.

109
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You don't need to do anything
because you can kill yourself

110
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[audience laughs]

111
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If they send letters to you from Motor Vehicles, enter and:

112
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"No, no, I will kill myself."

113
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You can do it.
You can do it once.

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But you can do it.

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This is interesting because even though life
becomes bad, people choose it without anything  Even the worst life versions,
Even life that is annoying and bad,

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worth living, apparently.

117
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Because people just live out of them.

118
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[audience laughs]

119
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120
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Have you ever seen someone, like you,
"He had to commit suicide.

121
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Why didn't he... that man..."

122
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Ever driving and you see
In the next car, you are like, "Ugh, damn.

123
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I hope I don't look into the car.

124
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It's hard to glance...

125
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Only a man in a...

126
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In the tan car.

127
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[audience laughs]

128
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No one chooses tan.

129
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[audience laughs]

130
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No one chooses a tan for their car.

131
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They give you chocolate.

132
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[audience laughs]

133
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"Is that mine?"
"Yes, it's yours,
damn loser
Make it brown."

134
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They shouldn't even make a tan car.
This means making them.

135
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136
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You look up, you see a man in a tan car
with a dent on it

137
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and garbage bags for windows.

138
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[imitating the flapping bag]

139
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What is holding back suicide?

140
00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:21,132
- [audience laughs]
-What is delaying it?

141
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What is holding it back?
from stopping being that?

142
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[audience laughs]

143
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And what is needed?

144
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What is needed?

145
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What is needed?

146
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Both windows are garbage bags?
Is that...?

147
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[audience laughs]

148
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Seriously, do you know how many tribulations
are involved in garbage bags for windows?

149
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Do you know how many separate moments
bad luck?

150
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"They canceled my insurance.
I broke my window.

151
00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:03,330
Duct tape."

152
00:09:03,418 --> 00:09:04,378
[ripping noise]

153
00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:11,222
This is the truth.
Escape won't
finish your problem
That's right.

154
00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:13,471
But kill yourself
all your problems

155
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That really is.

156
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,385
This even solves world problems.

157
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For you.

158
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"Hey, what about ISIS?"

159
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:23,440
"Kill yourself

160
00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:24,691
[audience laughs]

161
00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:26,266
Then they can never catch you."

162
00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:27,687
[audience laughs]

163
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Seriously,
if everyone is afraid of ISIS

164
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suicide now,

165
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then ISIS lost.

166
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[audience laughs]

167
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Because they live in the world of people, it doesn't annoy.

168
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:43,331
"We will cut off his head!"

169
00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:44,628
"Yes, okay."

170
00:09:48,296 --> 00:09:49,756
"It's not fun now."

171
00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:51,549
[audience laughs]

172
00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:04,483
I think the worst part is
beheaded...

173
00:10:05,522 --> 00:10:07,152
-If...
- [audience laughs]

174
00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:12,280
The worst thing about being beheaded
is that you really look stupid.

175
00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:13,572
That's the worst.

176
00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:15,525
They go like that, and you like:
"Duh."

177
00:10:16,366 --> 00:10:18,076
[shouting]

178
00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:20,204
Only that dopey dopey...

179
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:26,840
I don't think they are beheaded
People are bald because they can't do this...

180
00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:27,918
That's the best part.

181
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:29,798
They must go like this.

182
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:32,343
[audience laughs]

183
00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:34,047
This isn't cool.

184
00:10:36,219 --> 00:10:39,639
So, just shave the top of your head,
and you don't have to worry about that.

185
00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:46,351
So, that's the first reason.

186
00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:51,110
That is the first reason I think
women must be allowed to kill babies.

187
00:10:51,192 --> 00:10:52,572
[audience laughs]

188
00:10:54,028 --> 00:10:55,738
Because life is not so important.

189
00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:58,872
The second reason
is because that is their job.

190
00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:01,539
Women must decide who dies and lives.

191
00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:03,869
That's because they are women
of species.

192
00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:07,375
In the reproductive arena,
That is what women do.

193
00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:09,708
They are selectors.
They must decide this.

194
00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:13,463
We give them this responsibility
when do we make love to them

195
00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:15,928
We go, "Here, you decide
What should be done with this nonsense?"

196
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:17,049
[audience laughs]

197
00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:18,465
See you later.

198
00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:23,270
He must find out
If you have to have children,

199
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:26,979
if he has to have it
That is his job.
Because women have an assessment.

200
00:11:27,395 --> 00:11:29,395
They have an assessment.
Men do not have an assessment.

201
00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:31,476
Men have intentions.

202
00:11:32,609 --> 00:11:37,609
Men just want to spray the world
with their cum, just fog.

203
00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:40,873
"More than me.

204
00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:44,246
[imitating explosion]

205
00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:47,287
More than me."

206
00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:50,043
[continues to imitate the explosion]

207
00:11:56,841 --> 00:12:00,601
It's his job to go,
"That's enough of you, I think.

208
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:02,644
No, that's really enough."

209
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:04,062
[audience cheers]

210
00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:12,108
I don't think that the face needs to be repeated.

211
00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:15,614
I've seen your father,
and that doesn't improve.

212
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,704
He doesn't realize this
until after you make love to him

213
00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:24,542
That is actually when he really knows,
is when you like, "Yeah!"

214
00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:27,329
And he's like, "I don't have it
this is a damn baby piece."

215
00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:28,923
[audience laughs]

216
00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:34,747
And that's why abortion is the last line
defense

217
00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:37,219
against annoying people in this species.

218
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:42,891
So, we need them
to bite every poor baby

219
00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:44,561
[audience cheers]

220
00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:50,646
I mean, all animals do this.
Animals do it too late.

221
00:12:51,354 --> 00:12:52,364
They have babies.

222
00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:55,228
Then they are like, "Do you know what?
It's cold.
I will eat this one."

223
00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:56,726
[audience laughs]

224
00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:06,829
"But when is it okay?
When should they be allowed?"

225
00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:09,411
When in their pussy.
All that time

226
00:13:09,914 --> 00:13:12,334
It's in her vagina.

227
00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:15,842
If there is a guy in your vagina,
you can kill him.

228
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,376
I think it's pretty basic.

229
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:21,764
You are allowed to kill people
if they are at your house

230
00:13:21,843 --> 00:13:22,803
[audience laughs]

231
00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:26,014
[audience cheers]

232
00:13:33,312 --> 00:13:36,482
So... that's what I think.

233
00:13:36,566 --> 00:13:37,856
[audience laughs]

234
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:40,652
I have two children.

235
00:13:42,030 --> 00:13:43,280
[chuckles]

236
00:13:45,116 --> 00:13:47,076
I try to be a better person
around my children

237
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:50,040
I try to change my behavior around them.

238
00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:53,121
Like, I have rules in my house,
they all apply to me

239
00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:56,959
Like, I have a regulation
that I don't curse my children.

240
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,210
That's the rule.
That happened.

241
00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:02,297
You have a tense moment,
and you are with your children,

242
00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:04,388
So you say something accidentally.

243
00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:08,139
One time I was making dinner for my children,
and I gave my child one bowl of soup.

244
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:11,101
And I said, "This is your damn soup."

245
00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:13,354
[audience laughs]

246
00:14:14,896 --> 00:14:15,726
But, uh...

247
00:14:18,149 --> 00:14:21,569
You can see
how it's a difficult situation...

248
00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:31,954
You should teach your children correctly
from the wrong
I don't know, this is confusing.

249
00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:34,788
Some people raise their children religiously
and that includes it.

250
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:38,004
They are like going, all this.
Do it.

251
00:14:38,753 --> 00:14:41,883
I don't raise my children religiously
because I don't feel that way.

252
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:45,133
Wake up on Sunday?
Fuck it

253
00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:47,137
Fuck it

254
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:50,060
Let your soul rot, children.
I don't care
I don't get...

255
00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:53,234
"Father, who is Jesus?"
"There is no business for you, go back to sleep."

256
00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:54,559
[audience laughs]

257
00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:00,980
But my children, they live in the world.

258
00:15:04,278 --> 00:15:07,488
If you don't raise them religiously,
you teach them about religion.

259
00:15:09,033 --> 00:15:12,873
I tell them that there are many
religions in the world, and all are the same.

260
00:15:13,454 --> 00:15:15,464
But Christians are the main.

261
00:15:16,374 --> 00:15:17,754
That's what I told them.

262
00:15:51,034 --> 00:15:19,134
Christians win.

263
00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:21,424
They are the winners.

264
00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:23,263
So, act accordingly.

265
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:33,433
And that's true.
It is true.

266
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:37,936
We like to say to ourselves, like,
"Every religion is exactly..."

267
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:40,060
No, no, no.

268
00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:42,651
Christians win everything.

269
00:15:43,317 --> 00:15:44,817
A long time ago.

270
00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:49,069
If you don't believe me, let me ask you
questions.
What year is it now?

271
00:15:49,157 --> 00:15:50,737
[audience laughs]

272
00:15:50,825 --> 00:15:52,235
[audience claps]

273
00:15:56,038 --> 00:16:00,748
What year does he think?
for all humanity?

274
00:16:01,586 --> 00:16:02,836
And why?

275
00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:05,837
What year is it now?
Anyone?
Sir, just shouted this year.

276
00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:08,297
Thank you.
20-- 2016?

277
00:16:11,262 --> 00:16:13,932
This is 2017. What is that?

278
00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:15,095
That's a number.

279
00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:16,681
This is not just any number.

280
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:18,687
This is definitely a very important number.

281
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:23,021
Because we rely on it
simultaneously as a species.

282
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:25,689
For thousands of years, we have gone:

283
00:16:25,776 --> 00:16:29,526
"One two three--

284
00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:31,624
Come on, everyone, four -"

285
00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:35,329
Now, come on, Africa, five, six... "

286
00:16:38,748 --> 00:16:40,118
What is this number?

287
00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:43,498
We counted the days since? Not all of them.

288
00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:45,626
It's been 2017 since what?
Anyone, screaming it. = Right.

289
00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:49,593
Already 2017 years since Christ!

290
00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:52,298
Jesus.

291
00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:58,099
We count the days since Jesus.

292
00:16:58,434 --> 00:16:59,274
Together.

293
00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:01,267
Which makes sense if you are a Christian.
what do we do?

294
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:03,154
"Jesus is here, Jesus is here.
Jesus is here. "

295
00:17:03,731 --> 00:17:05,321
Everyone.
Scientist, historian.

296
00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:07,936
" Jesus.

297
00:17:11,781 --> 00:17:16,451
Jesus. "

298
00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:19,001


299
00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:26,836


300
00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:28,378


301
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,839


302
00:17:31,926 --> 00:17:34,506


303
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:43,104


304
00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:45,727


305
00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:47,566


306
00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:49,944


307
00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:56,027
"Jesus added two, Jesus added three,
Jesus added four."

308
00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:04,998
Jesus added 2017 years,
four months and three days

309
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,844
is the time of your license.

310
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,260
[audience laughs]

311
00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:15,642
How is it not a victory for Christians?

312
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:18,810
How is that not a perfect victory?

313
00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:21,059
It's not Monday in October.

314
00:18:25,730 --> 00:18:31,360
That, "There was no time before Jesus."

315
00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:33,361
And the whole world goes, "Alright.

316
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,160
Sure."

317
00:18:36,157 --> 00:18:38,827
Then someone like,
"What about the previous years?

318
00:18:39,410 --> 00:18:42,410
There are billions.
I mean, infinity."

319
00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:44,617
"They retreat."

320
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:46,424
[audience laughs]

321
00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:52,587
"You want us to measure at most
history backwards?

322
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:55,719
To accommodate one religion?"

323
00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:57,215
Uh huh.

324
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:01,598
"Okay, we'll do it, it's fine.
We will do it."

325
00:19:05,019 --> 00:19:07,939
Worldwide.
Have you watched
New Year's Eve all over the world?

326
00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:11,192
They always show how each country
celebrates.
This is very cool.

327
00:19:11,275 --> 00:19:13,185
The first is a small island.

328
00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:16,947
This is the first real place
that place that year.

329
00:19:17,031 --> 00:19:19,121
This is a small island in the Pacific.
I forget.

330
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:22,410
They perform small ceremonies
for New Year's Eve every year  And they only use grass.

331
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:24,285
Because they don't even have a stick.
They are in the age of grass.

332
00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:28,714
[audience laughs]

333
00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:30,245
They don't have a clock.

334
00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:31,924
But they dance.

335
00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:33,707
[singing]

336
00:19:33,798 --> 00:19:35,218
"2017."

337
00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:41,349
And that happens all over the world,
[Chinese accent] "Oh, 2017."

338
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:46,440
[talking nonsense]

339
00:19:47,812 --> 00:19:49,562


340
00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:57,283
[Middle East Accent]
"Death to all Christians in 2017."

341
00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:58,613
[audience claps]

342
00:20:03,828 --> 00:20:05,448
[normal voice]
The Jews quietly track down.

343
00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:07,538
This is really 5,766.

344
00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:09,383
-But it's for us.
We only--
- [audience laughs]

345
00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:10,997
It's okay.

346
00:20:11,085 --> 00:20:12,285
[audience cheers]

347
00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:15,628
We track when you
snap from it
Yes, right.
Pain -

348
00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:18,426
I will write a cover letter to you.
I don't want any problems

349
00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:24,720
What about the Chinese New Year?

350
00:20:25,099 --> 00:20:28,099
Yes, what about the Chinese New Year?

351
00:20:29,812 --> 00:20:32,522
OK,
The next time you do your tax,

352
00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:36,073
just write "monkey" where the year goes.

353
00:20:36,152 --> 00:20:37,612
[audience laughs]

354
00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:40,486
Put monkeys

355
00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:43,701
See what happens with your funds.

356
00:20:45,453 --> 00:20:50,043
No. This is 2017, the year of our Lord...

357
00:20:50,708 --> 00:20:53,288
Hit Jesus on the nose.

358
00:20:56,005 --> 00:20:57,415
And they make it,
That's the weirdest part.

359
00:20:57,506 --> 00:21:01,796
They must change the name of the year
that has already happened.

360
00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:04,683
Because, you know,
It's not those years.

361
00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:07,389
You know that right?
It's three years...

362
00:21:08,058 --> 00:21:10,098
not third year...

363
00:21:10,853 --> 00:21:13,153
during the third year.

364
00:21:15,024 --> 00:21:18,444
No one was walking around at that time,
"Hey, what year?"
"It's three o'clock."

365
00:21:18,527 --> 00:21:19,987
[audience laughs]

366
00:21:25,659 --> 00:21:26,869
"Yeah, but I'm 28.

367
00:21:27,411 --> 00:21:29,081
[audience laughs]

368
00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:32,248
How can I get 28...

369
00:21:33,793 --> 00:21:35,503
If it's only three?"

370
00:21:36,921 --> 00:21:39,631
"Oh, okay, look, you were born in BC 24.

371
00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:42,342
And there are zeros.
Remember going back?

372
00:21:42,426 --> 00:21:44,886
Oh, damn.
That is very stressful.
"

373
00:21:46,639 --> 00:21:47,809
What is it like?

374
00:21:48,974 --> 00:21:50,184
"What year is it now?"
"Ten."

375
00:21:50,810 --> 00:21:52,190
"What year is it now?"
"Nine."

376
00:21:53,103 --> 00:21:55,113
What will happen ?!

377
00:21:55,189 --> 00:21:56,439
[audience laughs]

378
00:22:04,573 --> 00:22:06,083
So, I don't know how to tell my children.

379
00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:13,672
I have those dogs, which is a mistake.
I shouldn't get the dog.

380
00:22:13,749 --> 00:22:16,249
Because we are saved by a dog.

381
00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:17,835
-We got - we adopted--
- [woman] Whoo!

382
00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:21,090
Yes, you have to go back - yes, always save.

383
00:22:22,591 --> 00:22:24,891
If you get a dog, get a rescue dog.

384
00:22:24,969 --> 00:22:26,469
Don't let puppies...

385
00:22:27,263 --> 00:22:32,603
from those horrible people
who professionally care for dogs carefully.

386
00:22:32,685 --> 00:22:33,845
[audience laughs]

387
00:22:34,061 --> 00:22:35,021
No.

388
00:22:36,605 --> 00:22:39,225
You only need to get a mystery dog...

389
00:22:39,316 --> 00:22:40,776
[audience laughs]

390
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,820
it's been beaten and abused

391
00:22:44,446 --> 00:22:47,866
and trauma
on the streets of Puerto Rico.

392
00:22:48,909 --> 00:22:52,079
And can't talk with anyone now.

393
00:22:53,372 --> 00:22:54,622
They never know.

394
00:22:55,124 --> 00:22:58,094
"Do you know about the dog?"
"Uh, he's afraid of a penny.  So, you take this random dog

395
00:22:58,168 --> 00:22:59,958
and just put it in your house
With your family,

396
00:23:00,254 --> 00:23:03,974
and notice their personality revealed.

397
00:23:05,884 --> 00:23:06,844
[audience laughs]

398
00:23:09,179 --> 00:23:10,719
This dog is crazy.

399
00:23:10,806 --> 00:23:13,766
I will walk into the kitchen, and the dog
just stands there alone like this...

400
00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:17,730
[audience laughs]

401
00:23:17,813 --> 00:23:19,153
I'm like, "Are you okay?

402
00:23:22,443 --> 00:23:23,943
Are you okay?"

403
00:23:26,363 --> 00:23:29,533
My children are afraid of that dog.

404
00:23:29,617 --> 00:23:31,117


405
00:23:33,370 --> 00:23:34,540


406
00:23:35,956 --> 00:23:37,876


407
00:23:40,586 --> 00:23:42,246


408
00:23:43,130 --> 00:23:45,300
My daughter goes for pet dogs,
dogs go like...

409
00:23:45,382 --> 00:23:49,012
He is like, "Should I lead him?"
"Not me
I think you should bring our dog, honey."

410
00:23:53,515 --> 00:23:56,345
I took him to the vet.
I brought the dog to ask him what to do.

411
00:23:56,435 --> 00:23:58,725
The veterinarian said,
"Look, I think there is something

412
00:23:58,812 --> 00:24:00,312
You have to really consider it."

413
00:24:01,023 --> 00:24:03,193
I like,
"Please say to kill this dog.

414
00:24:03,275 --> 00:24:07,025
Please be a doctor
who says that the dog is dead now."

415
00:24:09,156 --> 00:24:10,986
But apparently not.
He said--

416
00:24:11,367 --> 00:24:16,117
He said, "I think you should consider it
Prozac... for the dog."

417
00:24:16,205 --> 00:24:17,495
I'm like, "Really?"

418
00:24:17,581 --> 00:24:20,291
He said, "Yes, this works.
This calms the dog.

419
00:24:20,376 --> 00:24:22,956
But this is a big decision,
and you have to think about it. "

420
00:24:23,295 --> 00:24:25,665
I say,
" Put four in the bastard right now.

421
00:24:25,756 --> 00:24:27,166
[audience laughs]

422
00:24:28,175 --> 00:24:30,425
What should I think about?

423
00:24:31,428 --> 00:24:34,138
I don't care what he has

424
00:24:34,223 --> 00:24:36,233
Fucking fix it.

425
00:24:36,308 --> 00:24:37,478
[audience laughs]

426
00:24:38,811 --> 00:24:41,111
Give him heroin
Shoot him. "

427
00:24:43,899 --> 00:24:45,439
[audience laughs]

428
00:24:51,365 --> 00:24:52,195
" Come on, puppy. "

429
00:24:59,415 --> 00:25:00,995
" Wow, your dog is really cold. "

430
00:25:02,084 --> 00:25:03,214
" Yes.

431
00:25:04,169 --> 00:25:06,589
It costs only $ 400 a day
to keep it that way. "

432
00:25:06,672 --> 00:25:07,972
[audience laughs]

433
00:25:12,261 --> 00:25:14,851
I don't always feel this way.
I used to like animals.

434
00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:16,680
I used to worry about animals.

435
00:25:16,974 --> 00:25:18,184
Only animals.

436
00:25:18,934 --> 00:25:23,114
When I was like 20,
" Is it all doggie is okay everywhere?

437
00:25:23,522 --> 00:25:26,282
I certainly hope so. "

438
00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:30,487
But I'm 49, and now I have two children.

439
00:25:30,571 --> 00:25:34,491
You know what happened
Your circle of worry tightens.

440
00:25:35,784 --> 00:25:38,954
I have four nieces.
I don't love one of them.

441
00:25:39,037 --> 00:25:40,707
[audience laughs]

442
00:25:43,292 --> 00:25:44,672
Fuck a dog.

443
00:25:47,588 --> 00:25:51,008
Do you know the ad, like PSA
on television about animals being abused?

444
00:25:51,091 --> 00:25:54,051
They show dogs with, like,
an empty socket, and he is like... [whining]

445
00:25:54,470 --> 00:25:55,680
And they are always wet.

446
00:25:56,013 --> 00:25:58,523
I feel they have dropped it
before they film them.

447
00:26:00,684 --> 00:26:01,524
[whining]

448
00:26:02,561 --> 00:26:04,901
And the sound is on,
"Look at these dogs.

449
00:26:05,731 --> 00:26:08,571
These dogs are beaten every day.

450
00:26:09,610 --> 00:26:13,950
Please send money
so this can stop."

451
00:26:16,450 --> 00:26:18,040
Do you beat the dogs?

452
00:26:18,118 --> 00:26:19,618
[audience laughs]

453
00:26:22,539 --> 00:26:24,119
How do my money fix it?

454
00:26:28,128 --> 00:26:30,258
You see the PSA
where do they show a sad man?

455
00:26:30,339 --> 00:26:31,839
He is very upset, people who are very sad.

456
00:26:31,924 --> 00:26:35,094
He holds a small sign,
and it says, "Yes, of course."

457
00:26:35,969 --> 00:26:38,639
And he said, "This is the text
which killed my daughter."

458
00:26:39,097 --> 00:26:43,347
Because someone sent an SMS, "Yes, of course,"
and ran to his son, which was terrible.

459
00:26:43,602 --> 00:26:45,942
Although they might respond
to a text

460
00:26:46,313 --> 00:26:48,193
who says,
"Can you kill the child?"

461
00:26:48,273 --> 00:26:50,153
- [audience laughs]
-And so, they just...

462
00:26:51,109 --> 00:26:52,439
reply and do it

463
00:26:55,781 --> 00:26:57,451
I'm not saying that makes it better.

464
00:26:58,992 --> 00:27:00,952
I just say
we don't have all the information

465
00:27:01,036 --> 00:27:02,746
[audience laughs]

466
00:27:05,958 --> 00:27:08,878
My children and I are having breakfast
other days,

467
00:27:09,002 --> 00:27:10,962
and we are listening to NPR.

468
00:27:11,046 --> 00:27:13,626
We always listen to NPR,
because we are better than you

469
00:27:13,715 --> 00:27:15,215
And...

470
00:27:17,845 --> 00:27:20,345
We are listening to NPR
At breakfast this morning.

471
00:27:20,430 --> 00:27:23,100
There is this story
where they continue to use this phrase

472
00:27:23,183 --> 00:27:25,483
They keep saying, "9/11 deniers."

473
00:27:25,644 --> 00:27:26,654
They keep saying that.

474
00:27:26,854 --> 00:27:28,524
"9/11 deniers."

475
00:27:29,064 --> 00:27:30,984
And my daughter is like, "What is that?"

476
00:27:31,942 --> 00:27:35,952
I said, "Okay, this is a group of people
Think September 11 is a conspiracy."

477
00:27:36,321 --> 00:27:41,331
And he said, "Oh, I thought
they said nine 11-deniers."

478
00:27:43,370 --> 00:27:45,210
[audience laughs]

479
00:27:47,124 --> 00:27:53,384
Yes, he thinks that means nine people
who doesn't buy 11 of this nonsense?

480
00:27:53,463 --> 00:27:54,883
[audience laughs]

481
00:27:56,884 --> 00:28:01,224
Only small fringe groups.
There are only nine of them.

482
00:28:03,515 --> 00:28:05,055
But they still use NPR.

483
00:28:05,142 --> 00:28:08,562
They arrived at the radio
because... they were dedicated

484
00:28:09,813 --> 00:28:11,573
They protest every day.

485
00:28:12,858 --> 00:28:15,488
They are nine 11-deniers.

486
00:28:17,029 --> 00:28:20,949
They are outside the White House,
[shouting] "It goes, 10, 12, 13!

487
00:28:21,033 --> 00:28:22,373
[audience laughs]

488
00:28:24,077 --> 00:28:26,327
Me and my eight friends know it!

489
00:28:27,956 --> 00:28:31,166
We are nine 11-deniers.

490
00:28:34,087 --> 00:28:38,087
We know that 11 is a crap number...

491
00:28:39,092 --> 00:28:41,852
is spread to people by humans.

492
00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:46,390
Why do we have 11?

493
00:28:47,684 --> 00:28:49,814
If we have 13,

494
00:28:50,562 --> 00:28:53,732
and 14 and 15... .

495
00:28:54,149 --> 00:28:58,149
and 16, 17,

496
00:28:58,779 --> 00:29:02,319
motherfucking 18, and 19,

497
00:29:03,033 --> 00:29:06,123
But we don't have teenagers.

498
00:29:08,789 --> 00:29:11,039
What happens to one teenager?

499
00:29:12,167 --> 00:29:14,707
The government takes one teenager,

500
00:29:14,795 --> 00:29:18,585
and replace it
with some nonsense called 11.

501
00:29:21,260 --> 00:29:24,180
We are nine who deny that nonsense.

502
00:29:27,683 --> 00:29:31,193
Mr. President, give us one more teenager! "

503
00:29:37,276 --> 00:29:41,146
[normal voice] I don't mean to offend every Chinese person with this stereotype.

504
00:29:41,822 --> 00:29:42,662
But--

505
00:29:43,907 --> 00:29:46,537
[shouting]
" Right, I'm Chinese, you bastard.

506
00:29:47,035 --> 00:29:48,995
I am from Beijing.

507
00:29:50,664 --> 00:29:53,044
I live in Shanghai.

508
00:29:55,669 --> 00:29:57,959
I'm Chinese — more than a bastard.

509
00:29:59,047 --> 00:30:01,467
Chopsticks and others. "

510
00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:03,470
Ha!
[normal voice] All right.

511
00:30:05,345 --> 00:30:06,175
I'm sorry.

512
00:30:08,098 --> 00:30:08,968
This is the problem...

513
00:30:10,058 --> 00:30:11,518
dangerous stereotypes.

514
00:30:12,686 --> 00:30:15,306
That's the truth.
laugh]

515
00:30:15,397 --> 00:30:16,477
And I don't know how to reconcile the two facts.  I enjoy the sounds.

516
00:30:16,565 --> 00:30:19,605
But they offend.
So, I did it at home.

517
00:30:20,986 --> 00:30:22,486


518
00:30:23,155 --> 00:30:25,195


519
00:30:26,158 --> 00:30:27,578
I used to do it for my children.

520
00:30:27,659 --> 00:30:29,909
They like them,
don't know it's a race.

521
00:30:30,495 --> 00:30:32,405
They enjoy it.
"Do a friendly person."

522
00:30:32,497 --> 00:30:35,127
[voice in] "You want me
to be a friendly person, little girl?"

523
00:30:37,336 --> 00:30:38,666
[princess]
"We love friendly people."

524
00:30:38,754 --> 00:30:40,464
[deep voice]
"He loves little white girls.

525
00:30:40,547 --> 00:30:41,757
Let's eat scrambled eggs."

526
00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:42,970
[audience laughs]

527
00:30:50,182 --> 00:30:51,482
[normal voice]
They grow up, and I like,

528
00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:53,480
"Don't talk about friendly people
at school.

529
00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:54,940
[audience laughs]

530
00:30:55,437 --> 00:30:57,517
Maybe not talk to your teacher
about that."

531
00:31:02,903 --> 00:31:05,243
My children go to public schools
in New York City

532
00:31:05,322 --> 00:31:08,332
- Yeah, alright.
- [audience cheers]

533
00:31:09,242 --> 00:31:10,742
Send your children there.

534
00:31:10,827 --> 00:31:12,077
[audience laughs]

535
00:31:12,412 --> 00:31:13,752
Yes, that's good.
This is good.

536
00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:16,422
Teach them
That's how life is.

537
00:31:17,959 --> 00:31:20,589
The teachers amaze me because -
I don't know, the worst -

538
00:31:20,670 --> 00:31:24,800
This is the worst thing about this country,
is that there is no more noble profession

539
00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:26,513
rather than being a public school teacher.

540
00:31:26,593 --> 00:31:28,353
-Please.
Please, don't
- [audience cheers]

541
00:31:28,428 --> 00:31:29,808
You won't like it

542
00:31:29,888 --> 00:31:32,308
- [audience laughs]
-You won't be where you are going.

543
00:31:32,933 --> 00:31:35,483
I don't recommend applauding anything.

544
00:31:36,103 --> 00:31:38,023
You will regret it at the end of the problem.

545
00:31:41,691 --> 00:31:45,491
In democracy, nothing else
You can make a noble contribution

546
00:31:45,570 --> 00:31:47,160
rather than teaching in public schools.

547
00:31:47,239 --> 00:31:51,579
In this country, people who do that,
they're damn losers

548
00:31:52,452 --> 00:31:57,122
They are just damn losers!

549
00:31:57,207 --> 00:31:58,417
[audience laughs]

550
00:32:01,878 --> 00:32:04,708
And everyone knows that,
but they keep on doing it

551
00:32:05,257 --> 00:32:09,467
New people teach every day,
know how bad it is.

552
00:32:09,886 --> 00:32:11,676
They appear, tell them beforehand.

553
00:32:11,763 --> 00:32:13,473
"Hi, what is this job?"

554
00:32:13,557 --> 00:32:15,887
And they say,
"Okay, this is what we need for you to do.

555
00:32:15,976 --> 00:32:20,686
We need you to make children know math."

556
00:32:22,190 --> 00:32:23,650
Wow.

557
00:32:23,900 --> 00:32:26,950
"Do they want to know mathematics?"
"No, they don't want to know.

558
00:32:27,946 --> 00:32:30,866
You need to get them to know
against their will

559
00:32:31,658 --> 00:32:36,078
While they explode sexually
and beat each other."

560
00:32:36,163 --> 00:32:37,663
[audience laughs]

561
00:32:42,043 --> 00:32:43,213
"Who are these children?"

562
00:32:43,295 --> 00:32:45,335
"Just stay with the kids" near the building  [audience laughs]

563
00:32:45,422 --> 00:32:47,512


564
00:32:54,055 --> 00:32:58,135
Heh.
"How much do I get paid?"
"About $ 10 every four years."

565
00:32:58,226 --> 00:32:59,726
[audience laughs]

566
00:33:02,522 --> 00:33:04,522
"What if I can do it? What happens?"

567
00:33:04,608 --> 00:33:05,818
"Nothing.

568
00:33:06,276 --> 00:33:09,316
Nobody pays attention, and you are fired,
and you die by yourself."

569
00:33:13,116 --> 00:33:14,826
"Okay, I'll try it for 25 years."

570
00:33:14,910 --> 00:33:16,330
[audience laughs]

571
00:33:18,079 --> 00:33:20,169
My daughter is learning
about Greek mythology.

572
00:33:20,540 --> 00:33:22,380
And he asked a question about that.

573
00:33:22,459 --> 00:33:24,749
He is like,
"Father, who is Achilles's mother?"

574
00:33:25,045 --> 00:33:27,545
I said, "I don't know.
Don't ask me that nonsense.

575
00:33:28,924 --> 00:33:31,804
I don't know who is Achilles's mother."
Don't shout if you know.

576
00:33:31,885 --> 00:33:34,345
"This is Campampetes."
No one cares about what you know.

577
00:33:34,429 --> 00:33:35,719
[audience laughs]

578
00:33:38,517 --> 00:33:40,977
He has a question about Achilles, it is interesting.

579
00:33:41,061 --> 00:33:44,111
I will tell you.
But first,
the Achilles story is very fast.

580
00:33:44,189 --> 00:33:46,189
Achilles are babies.

581
00:33:46,274 --> 00:33:48,654
She is a Greek baby.

582
00:33:48,735 --> 00:33:51,525
And... he doesn't stay like that.

583
00:33:51,613 --> 00:33:54,373
But when he... a Greek baby,

584
00:33:54,449 --> 00:33:58,789
his mother, who is a goddess,
took her to River Styx,

585
00:33:58,870 --> 00:34:00,710
that is in Hades, the land of the dead.

586
00:34:00,872 --> 00:34:03,122
And he dipped it in water from River Styx  because there is a magical quality
to that water

587
00:34:03,208 --> 00:34:06,378
that you will make you unable to stand
from any danger

588
00:34:06,461 --> 00:34:09,461
You can't get hurt.

589
00:34:09,548 --> 00:34:10,628
It feels like a shield, isn't it?

590
00:34:10,799 --> 00:34:12,089
So, he dipped it into the water
to protect it

591
00:34:12,259 --> 00:34:15,009
But he hugged him with heels.

592
00:34:15,554 --> 00:34:17,264
That's important detail.

593
00:34:17,430 --> 00:34:19,270


594
00:34:19,349 --> 00:34:23,349
He is held with heels, which is an awkward way to hold a baby.

595
00:34:24,938 --> 00:34:26,148
With heels

596
00:34:26,273 --> 00:34:31,323
Try holding the baby with heels
and dipping it into the river.

597
00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:35,200
You will never see the baby again.

598
00:34:35,282 --> 00:34:36,452
[audience laughs]

599
00:34:36,575 --> 00:34:38,285
That's how to get rid of a baby.

600
00:34:42,581 --> 00:34:44,711
[Spanish accent]
"I lost a baby in water.

601
00:34:46,543 --> 00:34:49,593
I tried to wash it,
and he fell in the river. with heels.

602
00:34:52,674 --> 00:34:55,514
He slips. "

603
00:34:56,678 --> 00:34:58,808
[Normal voice] Because Achilles
has a Mexican caregiver

604
00:34:59,431 --> 00:35:00,521
This is an unknown character
in the Iliad.

605
00:35:03,268 --> 00:35:06,098
However...

606
00:35:06,563 --> 00:35:08,733
his mother, he can survive,
Of course, because he is a goddess.

607
00:35:09,566 --> 00:35:10,396


608
00:35:12,569 --> 00:35:16,619


609
00:35:16,865 --> 00:35:19,695
He is the mastermind behind the grip or whatever,
I don't know

610
00:35:19,993 --> 00:35:21,623
And he survived.

611
00:35:22,162 --> 00:35:24,252
And then he is protected,
except on his heel.

612
00:35:24,331 --> 00:35:25,711
The heel is not protected

613
00:35:25,790 --> 00:35:28,290
And that's what we call
your Achilles heel,

614
00:35:28,376 --> 00:35:30,086
where you are vulnerable

615
00:35:30,170 --> 00:35:32,010
Everyone has Achilles heels.

616
00:35:32,297 --> 00:35:36,377
Achilles & apos; Achilles heel is the heel.

617
00:35:36,468 --> 00:35:37,638
[audience laughs]

618
00:35:37,719 --> 00:35:39,349
Like, literally.

619
00:35:45,060 --> 00:35:47,350
Anyway, so, my daughter,
This is the question.

620
00:35:47,437 --> 00:35:50,817
He said, "How come his mother
doesn't just dip it again?

621
00:35:52,275 --> 00:35:54,435
He can just dip it
once more...

622
00:35:55,403 --> 00:35:56,823
with the other leg there."

623
00:35:58,114 --> 00:36:00,994
What he just, like, getting -
You there

624
00:36:02,744 --> 00:36:05,714
Is there, like, a sign that says,
"One goddess slope?"

625
00:36:06,790 --> 00:36:09,460
Have you ever colored Easter eggs?
It's not too complicated.

626
00:36:09,542 --> 00:36:12,922
You dip it, then you hold it
it's different and dip it again.

627
00:36:15,632 --> 00:36:17,682
Smart kids
I'm proud of him.

628
00:36:18,259 --> 00:36:21,349
But at the same time, I thought, "Who
Can you judge this woman?"

629
00:36:21,429 --> 00:36:22,639
[audience laughs]

630
00:36:23,515 --> 00:36:24,465
That bothers me.

631
00:36:25,183 --> 00:36:27,603
Because this is the story
from Achilles taught me,

632
00:36:27,686 --> 00:36:29,396
what is that, if you are a parent,

633
00:36:29,479 --> 00:36:32,519
It's never enough what you do
for this bastard

634
00:36:33,608 --> 00:36:35,608
That is never enough.

635
00:36:36,361 --> 00:36:38,701
This will still be your fault.

636
00:36:39,989 --> 00:36:42,659
How much more do you want from a mother?

637
00:36:42,951 --> 00:36:48,831
He dips his child in magic water and protects 99% of his body.

638
00:36:49,332 --> 00:36:51,632
Is that up to him?

639
00:36:52,877 --> 00:36:56,377
He can wear big shoes and be careful.

640
00:36:59,426 --> 00:37:02,926
But he goes with slippers,
flip flops.

641
00:37:03,012 --> 00:37:04,182
[audience laughs]

642
00:37:05,014 --> 00:37:07,354
And swords, and fights all over the planet.

643
00:37:07,434 --> 00:37:10,354
"I'm Achilles because my mother dipped me."

644
00:37:10,437 --> 00:37:11,807
[audience laughs]

645
00:37:13,314 --> 00:37:16,364
Finally, someone takes it to the heel,
and he is like, "Mom!

646
00:37:16,443 --> 00:37:17,823
[audience laughs]

647
00:37:20,572 --> 00:37:22,782
Thank you very much, Mom."

648
00:37:25,368 --> 00:37:28,118
"What's wrong, Achilles?"
"My mother did not dip my heel.

649
00:37:28,788 --> 00:37:31,708
She is very stupid.
She ruined it."

650
00:37:32,792 --> 00:37:35,132
Fuck, Achilles, you Greek dick.

651
00:37:35,503 --> 00:37:36,883
[audience laughs]

652
00:37:38,131 --> 00:37:39,801
I hate the way people talk
about their mother

653
00:37:41,342 --> 00:37:42,802
I'm watching a soccer match,

654
00:37:42,886 --> 00:37:46,056
and this person prints a lot of nonsense,
whatever, and they're excited.

655
00:37:46,556 --> 00:37:48,386
So, they ask him after that.

656
00:37:48,475 --> 00:37:51,685
And the soccer player said,
"My mother died last year,

657
00:37:51,853 --> 00:37:56,273
But I know she is watching my game
from heaven tonight.

658
00:37:56,649 --> 00:37:59,819
And I want to be there to say,
" Leave your mother alone.

659
00:38:00,361 --> 00:38:02,031
How dare you.

660
00:38:02,405 --> 00:38:03,735
He died. "

661
00:38:03,823 --> 00:38:07,293
I mean, when did you finish
with your kids?

662
00:38:07,994 --> 00:38:12,714
When did you finish
with your children?

663
00:38:13,333 --> 00:38:17,593
Even after you die, you still have
to go to their fucking game and filth?

664
00:38:17,670 --> 00:38:19,300
[audience laughs, claps]

665
00:38:25,178 --> 00:38:27,308
Leave your mother alone

666
00:38:27,847 --> 00:38:31,727
He does his work.
He lifts you up, and it kills him. Don't you want
your mother enjoys heaven?

667
00:38:31,810 --> 00:38:33,390
Isn't that what you want?
Your mother is only in heaven

668
00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:38,730


669
00:38:38,817 --> 00:38:41,067


670
00:38:41,152 --> 00:38:44,162
Whee!
This poor woman.
Angels like,

671
00:38:44,239 --> 00:38:46,489
"We have a party.
Do you want to come with us?"

672
00:38:46,908 --> 00:38:49,288
"I can't, I have to watch my son's match.

673
00:38:50,370 --> 00:38:52,080
He will be very upset.

674
00:38:53,873 --> 00:38:56,923
Okay, go - He can't fucking hear me.
I just think when people die, that means they do their work.

675
00:38:58,461 --> 00:39:02,471
And you must forget them.

676
00:39:02,549 --> 00:39:04,089
That's what I think.

677
00:39:04,175 --> 00:39:05,215
Because it's not fair what we put
on dead people

678
00:39:05,593 --> 00:39:08,643
"Are you watching me?"
"Yes, I'm watching all that."

679
00:39:08,721 --> 00:39:12,431
You know like old -
When you see an old couple,

680
00:39:16,312 --> 00:39:18,612
Are they married for, like, 60 years?

681
00:39:18,690 --> 00:39:20,570
Do you know the story?
Everyone likes that.

682
00:39:20,650 --> 00:39:22,570


683
00:39:22,652 --> 00:39:26,032
People who always get
-based applause on their math life.

684
00:39:27,699 --> 00:39:29,989
"How long have you been married?"
"Sixty years."

685
00:39:30,076 --> 00:39:31,156
Aw.

686
00:39:31,452 --> 00:39:33,292
Aw.
[shouts]

687
00:39:35,999 --> 00:39:39,039
Isn't that automatically beautiful?

688
00:39:40,503 --> 00:39:41,713
How do you know?

689
00:39:42,297 --> 00:39:43,837
You only know how long.

690
00:39:45,300 --> 00:39:49,720
[old woman] For 60 years, every morning,
He said that I was really nonsense.

691
00:39:49,804 --> 00:39:51,064
[audience laughs]

692
00:39:56,060 --> 00:39:58,650
[normal voice] just say
this is a happy couple, okay?

693
00:40:00,231 --> 00:40:03,531
They love each other.
They have been married for 60 years.

694
00:40:03,902 --> 00:40:06,072
It's longer
than most people want to live.

695
00:40:06,154 --> 00:40:08,414
And they have been together for a long time.

696
00:40:08,489 --> 00:40:11,449
And now they are just old couples.
And they just walk together.

697
00:40:11,534 --> 00:40:13,164
You know when you see two people...

698
00:40:14,078 --> 00:40:16,578
They don't need anyone else,
only the two of them

699
00:40:16,664 --> 00:40:18,464
These are both.
They just walk.

700
00:40:19,792 --> 00:40:22,802
They always run somewhere,
no one walks there
There is garbage

701
00:40:23,713 --> 00:40:25,383
[whooshing]

702
00:40:26,674 --> 00:40:27,724
There are trucks.

703
00:40:27,800 --> 00:40:29,050
[roar]

704
00:40:30,470 --> 00:40:33,100
He wears a colorless suit.

705
00:40:33,598 --> 00:40:35,098
[audience laughs]

706
00:40:36,726 --> 00:40:40,186
He wears a dress like that
a triangle, like a child pulls it.

707
00:40:40,271 --> 00:40:43,361
It's just that, damn it,
dress with fruit on it.

708
00:40:43,441 --> 00:40:44,531
No one cares.

709
00:40:46,235 --> 00:40:47,855
And they only run every day.

710
00:40:47,946 --> 00:40:48,856
[groans]

711
00:40:49,864 --> 00:40:50,954
[old woman] Cold.

712
00:40:51,616 --> 00:40:52,866
[old man] Yes, this is cold.

713
00:40:55,745 --> 00:40:58,115
[old woman] Do you want to go to the
shop and get a cracker?

714
00:40:58,915 --> 00:41:01,125
[old man] Yes, let's find a cracker
in the shop.

715
00:41:03,336 --> 00:41:04,166
[old woman] yeah

716
00:41:04,253 --> 00:41:07,843
[muttering]

717
00:41:14,347 --> 00:41:17,177
[normal voice]
And then one day, usually he dies first.

718
00:41:18,393 --> 00:41:20,063
They walk, and he goes...

719
00:41:20,311 --> 00:41:21,771
[grumble]

720
00:41:22,188 --> 00:41:23,228
[grumble]

721
00:41:23,648 --> 00:41:25,188
And he said, "Richard!"

722
00:41:26,109 --> 00:41:28,859
[grumble]

723
00:41:28,945 --> 00:41:30,695
"Richard!"

724
00:41:32,073 --> 00:41:34,743
[grumble]

725
00:41:35,451 --> 00:41:36,541
And he died.

726
00:41:41,332 --> 00:41:42,462
So, now only he.

727
00:41:43,584 --> 00:41:44,594
Only roses

728
00:41:46,379 --> 00:41:47,509
And he himself.

729
00:41:48,089 --> 00:41:49,919
And now he just stands in their house.

730
00:41:53,636 --> 00:41:56,006
Someone goes to get Rose
Because there is a marriage.

731
00:41:56,389 --> 00:41:58,809
"Come on, Rose, Nadine will get married.

732
00:41:59,017 --> 00:42:01,517
Nadine--
No problem, just damn it.

733
00:42:01,602 --> 00:42:02,812
[audience laughs]

734
00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:07,030
Come on.
Fucking come on.

735
00:42:08,317 --> 00:42:09,147
Fuck!"

736
00:42:10,361 --> 00:42:11,861
Just want to push it from beh--

737
00:42:15,825 --> 00:42:17,615
He lives in ten years.

738
00:42:17,869 --> 00:42:19,619
Ten years after Richard died.

739
00:42:20,038 --> 00:42:22,708
And then ten years later,
Now he is lying in bed.

740
00:42:22,957 --> 00:42:23,917
He is dying.

741
00:42:24,292 --> 00:42:26,422
Someone is with him, on their phone.

742
00:42:26,919 --> 00:42:28,799
[audience laughs]

743
00:42:34,177 --> 00:42:35,087
[grumble]

744
00:42:36,387 --> 00:42:38,217
So, Rose is dying, and she says:

745
00:42:38,306 --> 00:42:44,806
[old woman] "Okay, at least now
I can be with my Richard... forever."

746
00:42:45,772 --> 00:42:47,612
[normal voice]
Where did he get the idea?

747
00:42:48,191 --> 00:42:49,651
Where did it come from?

748
00:42:50,151 --> 00:42:51,361
I've looked for it.

749
00:42:51,778 --> 00:42:53,738
There are no religious teachings

750
00:42:54,072 --> 00:42:58,162
that when you die, you can destroy heaven
for your dead partner

751
00:42:58,242 --> 00:42:59,582
[audience laughs]

752
00:42:59,994 --> 00:43:01,584
Why is that fair?

753
00:43:02,038 --> 00:43:03,408
Who gets -

754
00:43:04,123 --> 00:43:05,923
Richard has died for ten years.

755
00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:08,420
He has been in heaven for ten years.

756
00:43:08,711 --> 00:43:11,591
And someone comes to him,
"Hey, your wife will come."

757
00:43:11,964 --> 00:43:13,554
[audience laughs]

758
00:43:19,597 --> 00:43:20,427
"What?

759
00:43:22,266 --> 00:43:25,096
Excuse me.
What did you just do
and tell me now?"

760
00:43:25,186 --> 00:43:26,306
[audience laughs]

761
00:43:27,438 --> 00:43:30,108
"Yeah, Rose just died.
He'll be here for about 20 minutes.

762
00:43:31,692 --> 00:43:34,282
They just dropped it
and put the wings on it.

763
00:43:35,321 --> 00:43:37,281
[sighs]

764
00:43:38,574 --> 00:43:39,664
"Wait a minute.

765
00:43:41,828 --> 00:43:43,498
You say it's heaven
Why is this--

766
00:43:45,123 --> 00:43:47,213
I have a girlfriend here now.
I don't want to fucking--"

767
00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:51,460
"He loves your life."
"He doesn't love my death, bastard."

768
00:43:53,548 --> 00:43:56,878
[audience laughs]

769
00:43:56,968 --> 00:43:58,338
It's marriage.
Marriage is a big problem.

770
00:44:04,225 --> 00:44:06,435
Marriage is a big problem.

771
00:44:06,519 --> 00:44:07,559
I go to the wedding the other day.
I went to a gay marriage.

772
00:44:07,645 --> 00:44:10,605


773
00:44:10,690 --> 00:44:13,730
I've been to many gay marriages,
that is not true

774
00:44:13,818 --> 00:44:15,238
[audience laughs]

775
00:44:15,319 --> 00:44:18,659
That's not true at all.
But... I went to one.

776
00:44:21,826 --> 00:44:24,446
But I don't go to a wedding, generally,

777
00:44:24,537 --> 00:44:26,157
because I don't like them
I hate it.

778
00:44:26,747 --> 00:44:30,587
Don't invite me
Very.
I think it's rude
to invite people to your wedding.
I do

779
00:44:30,835 --> 00:44:33,125
Nobody likes getting that crap.

780
00:44:33,754 --> 00:44:34,964
You make everything beautiful

781
00:44:35,047 --> 00:44:39,007
And they are like, "Aw, fuck!
This will suck!"

782
00:44:41,470 --> 00:44:44,060
"This is a list of places that are very helpful
to stay--"

783
00:44:44,140 --> 00:44:46,600
"Oh good.
I live at La Quinta...

784
00:44:46,809 --> 00:44:48,139
[audience laughs]

785
00:44:48,311 --> 00:44:50,151
in Reading, Pennsylvania

786
00:44:51,397 --> 00:44:53,067
for three days...

787
00:44:54,150 --> 00:44:56,990
because you want to marry
for several years. "

788
00:44:57,194 --> 00:44:58,744
[audience laughs]

789
00:45:00,990 --> 00:45:03,530
No one wants to see you
start your bad things

790
00:45:03,618 --> 00:45:04,658
No one wants to see it.

791
00:45:06,662 --> 00:45:09,832
All people are wrong.
That is what will happen with someone.

792
00:45:10,249 --> 00:45:13,089
Both of you yourself,
or you in bad things.

793
00:45:13,544 --> 00:45:15,884
That includes 100% of humans.

794
00:45:18,424 --> 00:45:22,094
I can see there is a young couple here.
You are like, "No, we're good...

795
00:45:23,179 --> 00:45:24,259
That's very good."

796
00:45:24,347 --> 00:45:26,267
"Yeah, kill you
Who do you think you are?

797
00:45:26,849 --> 00:45:28,939
That's not annoying at all.

798
00:45:30,394 --> 00:45:32,984
So arrogant."
"Yeah, I think we already know."

799
00:45:33,064 --> 00:45:34,984
"No - Yeah, you're the first."

800
00:45:35,191 --> 00:45:36,361
[audience laughs]

801
00:45:38,736 --> 00:45:41,276
Of course this will be bad luck.
That is part of that.

802
00:45:41,572 --> 00:45:43,572
It's like going to a horror movie,

803
00:45:43,658 --> 00:45:46,578
and in the first minute, you are like,
"I think everything will be fine."

804
00:45:46,661 --> 00:45:47,791
[audience laughs]

805
00:45:47,912 --> 00:45:49,412
No, they will all die.

806
00:45:50,748 --> 00:45:53,248
And you will hate that person
you like it now

807
00:45:53,584 --> 00:45:57,134
That's how it works.
Love plus time minus distance equals hatred.

808
00:45:57,213 --> 00:45:58,463
That's the way.

809
00:46:01,550 --> 00:46:03,680
I don't say I didn't do it.
You have to do it

810
00:46:04,053 --> 00:46:06,893
That's the best.
This is the best part of life, love.

811
00:46:06,973 --> 00:46:09,933
But don't be greedy and hope to survive.

812
00:46:10,601 --> 00:46:15,611
Don't be amazed that a butterfly dies
Because you shot it in the face.

813
00:46:15,690 --> 00:46:17,190
[audience laughs]

814
00:46:19,235 --> 00:46:22,025
Just falling in love, making a mess.

815
00:46:22,530 --> 00:46:24,990
This sucks,
You don't realize it until it's too late.

816
00:46:25,074 --> 00:46:28,164
And then you cry a lot and move on.
This is the best part of life.

817
00:46:28,786 --> 00:46:31,326
This.
I always love love.

818
00:46:31,414 --> 00:46:37,174
It's always been a part of my favorite life
meet someone and go, "Oh, damn it!

819
00:46:37,795 --> 00:46:39,705
That person!" That's the best feeling.

820
00:46:39,797 --> 00:46:43,217
Now, why is that,
"Oh yes!

821
00:46:43,467 --> 00:46:48,137
For years, all our lives,
just, yes, yes!"

822
00:46:48,556 --> 00:46:50,726
It's crazy to expect that.

823
00:46:52,852 --> 00:46:54,812
This is a small thing that you can catch.

824
00:46:55,229 --> 00:46:57,979
And then rot and die.
That's the way.

825
00:47:00,026 --> 00:47:04,196
It's like if you see someone in the park
make bubbles with a big stick with soap.

826
00:47:04,321 --> 00:47:07,621
And sometimes they make a very big one,
and everyone goes, "Oh, yeah!

827
00:47:07,700 --> 00:47:09,370
Dirt.
Okay, that's all."

828
00:47:09,452 --> 00:47:10,702
[audience laughs]

829
00:47:11,370 --> 00:47:15,420
You can't stand seeing it, "Wild!"
You are not angry with soap stains.

830
00:47:17,668 --> 00:47:19,128
This is very annoying, man.

831
00:47:20,087 --> 00:47:21,087
That's

832
00:47:21,172 --> 00:47:22,842
[moans]

833
00:47:24,175 --> 00:47:25,715
What

834
00:47:26,927 --> 00:47:30,807
All parts are a little complicated.
Like, I was in an e-mail fight recently.

835
00:47:31,891 --> 00:47:33,231
Have you ever had an e-mail fight?

836
00:47:33,309 --> 00:47:34,939
Some of you are in e-mail battles
right now.

837
00:47:36,979 --> 00:47:39,359
You know, e-mail fight.
It's not a text fight.

838
00:47:39,940 --> 00:47:41,980
Fight text like, "Fuck you."
Boop!

839
00:47:42,568 --> 00:47:44,448
"Yeah, fuck you."
Byew.

840
00:47:45,529 --> 00:47:46,739
"Dick."
Boop!

841
00:47:48,115 --> 00:47:49,865
"Bastard."
Byew.

842
00:47:52,286 --> 00:47:53,246
That's a text fight.

843
00:47:54,330 --> 00:47:59,710
E-mail battles like, "In June
when I said that I had this problem,

844
00:47:59,794 --> 00:48:04,474
I was very disappointed
in the way you didn't listen."

845
00:48:04,548 --> 00:48:05,838
[audience laughs]

846
00:48:06,884 --> 00:48:09,724
You know, e-mail,
You only work on it all night.

847
00:48:10,096 --> 00:48:12,806
Like that closing argument
to the murder case

848
00:48:12,890 --> 00:48:16,600
This is very important, your damn e-mail.

849
00:48:18,479 --> 00:48:22,019
You hit it like Beethoven,
and you pour water on your head,

850
00:48:22,108 --> 00:48:25,278
and will be deaf and still do it.

851
00:48:26,654 --> 00:48:28,204
And then you send someone.

852
00:48:28,280 --> 00:48:31,990
"Can you read this
and tell me is it fair what I write?

853
00:48:33,327 --> 00:48:35,247
Start from the bottom."

854
00:48:37,373 --> 00:48:39,883
And they reply,
"I made some changes."

855
00:48:39,959 --> 00:48:43,209
"Oh thank you.
That really caught my voice.
And again..."

856
00:48:44,630 --> 00:48:46,590
You send it to someone else,
they are like:

857
00:48:46,674 --> 00:48:51,724
"I will take & apos; Eat fucking, face making love, & apos;
because it decorates your points better."

858
00:48:53,139 --> 00:48:55,559
And you like,
"Fuck, I'll save it."

859
00:48:58,144 --> 00:48:59,774
And finally, you send it.

860
00:48:59,854 --> 00:49:01,234
[imitating a rocket]

861
00:49:01,856 --> 00:49:03,146
And you like, "Hmm."

862
00:49:04,191 --> 00:49:07,651
And then you feel very good.
"Finally I said it, finally."

863
00:49:08,362 --> 00:49:12,032
And you have a fantasy like that
at home reading it now...

864
00:49:12,116 --> 00:49:13,326
[gasping]

865
00:49:16,412 --> 00:49:19,792
I'm wrong about everything.

866
00:49:19,874 --> 00:49:21,884
[audience laughs]

867
00:49:26,672 --> 00:49:28,802
During the day,
they have not written back,

868
00:49:28,883 --> 00:49:31,183
and you know that
because you only conjure them

869
00:49:32,636 --> 00:49:35,386
And you decide,
"I will read my e-mail.

870
00:49:37,057 --> 00:49:39,557
I will read the e-mail I wrote."

871
00:49:41,812 --> 00:49:44,942
Is there anything more disgusting?
modern human behavior

872
00:49:45,566 --> 00:49:49,066
rather than reading
your own e-mail has been sent?

873
00:49:49,653 --> 00:49:55,033
Does anyone else scratch your shirt
and kiss your finger from it?

874
00:49:55,117 --> 00:49:56,037
[audience claps]

875
00:49:58,204 --> 00:49:59,664
I always do it.

876
00:49:59,747 --> 00:50:00,867
[audience laughs]

877
00:50:01,415 --> 00:50:03,575
So that's what I did.
I am fighting an e-mail.

878
00:50:04,293 --> 00:50:05,133
And...

879
00:50:06,337 --> 00:50:09,087
And I look into the sent folder, where all -

880
00:50:09,173 --> 00:50:11,763
That's it.
It's on the stone.
You can't change it again.

881
00:50:12,301 --> 00:50:14,351
I realized I left something there
because of an error

882
00:50:14,428 --> 00:50:16,848
I leave something at the top of e-mail
because of an error

883
00:50:16,931 --> 00:50:20,731
And that said, "This is my last draft.
What are you thinking about?"

884
00:50:20,809 --> 00:50:22,689
[audience laughs]

885
00:50:28,192 --> 00:50:30,112
So, now the rest is just nonsense.

886
00:50:30,194 --> 00:50:31,744
That's fucking now

887
00:50:33,239 --> 00:50:36,239
Because he knows
I have writing staff and focus groups.

888
00:50:38,619 --> 00:50:41,289
There must be credit
at the end of this pesky e-mail.

889
00:50:42,498 --> 00:50:45,458
Approved by mother and sister.

890
00:50:51,340 --> 00:50:53,760
I don't know
Love is worth doing.
That's right

891
00:50:54,843 --> 00:50:56,053
It aps worth it.
This.

892
00:50:56,136 --> 00:50:59,596
I mean, I always -
I've always been chasing love for the rest of my life.

893
00:50:59,682 --> 00:51:02,482
Even when I was a kid, I loved girls.
I love them.

894
00:51:02,559 --> 00:51:03,439
And there are all -

895
00:51:03,519 --> 00:51:07,019
When I was 12 years old, I found out that girls are the most beautiful thing.

896
00:51:07,356 --> 00:51:10,816
I will ask them out.
That's what I did.
I walked over and invited them out.

897
00:51:10,943 --> 00:51:11,783
I'm not afraid.

898
00:51:12,361 --> 00:51:15,111
I will go to the girl I like,
"Do you want to go with me?"

899
00:51:15,197 --> 00:51:16,487
And he's like, "No!"

900
00:51:17,825 --> 00:51:21,035
You shouldn't do that.
You shouldn't ask her out.

901
00:51:21,120 --> 00:51:22,200
There is a system.

902
00:51:22,288 --> 00:51:24,788
My daughters told me
Still working like this at school.

903
00:51:24,873 --> 00:51:28,213
There is something
where the child asks his friend

904
00:51:29,169 --> 00:51:33,009
to ask his friend to ask him

905
00:51:33,090 --> 00:51:34,880
what he will say...

906
00:51:36,969 --> 00:51:38,389
if he asks her to date

907
00:51:39,096 --> 00:51:43,726
How do kids know this...
Elizabeth's salon place

908
00:51:43,809 --> 00:51:45,309
[audience laughs]

909
00:51:47,813 --> 00:51:48,903
A twelve year old boy.

910
00:51:48,981 --> 00:51:51,401
[English accent]
"Please ask her girl friend.

911
00:51:51,483 --> 00:51:52,693
[audience laughs]

912
00:51:54,028 --> 00:51:56,948
Do I ask for his presence...

913
00:51:58,157 --> 00:52:01,037
what might be the answer?"

914
00:52:04,872 --> 00:52:09,712
[woman] "Indeed, my lady will enjoy...
your company, sir,

915
00:52:10,085 --> 00:52:13,085
Do you want to make your wishes known."

916
00:52:15,841 --> 00:52:16,761
[man] "That's good.

917
00:52:19,595 --> 00:52:21,215
Can I snap it?"

918
00:52:21,305 --> 00:52:23,345
[audience laughs]

919
00:52:31,398 --> 00:52:32,978
[woman] "You dare, sir.

920
00:52:33,067 --> 00:52:34,487
[audience laughs]

921
00:52:36,445 --> 00:52:38,355
And his finger, you may."

922
00:52:38,447 --> 00:52:39,697
[audience laughs]

923
00:52:44,787 --> 00:52:47,287
[man] "And his finger, I will."

924
00:52:47,373 --> 00:52:48,793
[audience laughs]

925
00:53:19,571 --> 00:53:21,071
[crowd cheering]

926
00:53:28,038 --> 00:53:30,368
[normal sound] Anyway,
I don't do everything myself.

927
00:53:30,457 --> 00:53:32,707
I will only ask them out.

928
00:53:36,046 --> 00:53:37,966
They always say no.
Girls say no to me.

929
00:53:38,924 --> 00:53:39,844
Until Rachel.

930
00:53:40,509 --> 00:53:42,889
Rachel is the first girl to answer yes.

931
00:53:43,053 --> 00:53:46,723
I asked him to dance
in eighth grade, and he said yes.

932
00:53:46,932 --> 00:53:51,102
The happiest moment of my life, even now.

933
00:53:52,604 --> 00:53:53,734
I never beat it.

934
00:53:55,774 --> 00:53:58,444
However, Rachel said,
"Yes, I will dance with you."

935
00:53:58,527 --> 00:53:59,697
So, we go to the dance.

936
00:53:59,778 --> 00:54:02,158
I am 13
This is my first time with a girl.

937
00:54:02,698 --> 00:54:05,618
About five minutes into the dance,
he came to me and he said,

938
00:54:05,701 --> 00:54:07,331
"Do you mind if I dance with Jeff?"

939
00:54:09,037 --> 00:54:11,077
I'm like, "Alright."

940
00:54:12,207 --> 00:54:15,457
Because what other movements do I have...
at 13?

941
00:54:15,544 --> 00:54:17,924
What else will you say?
"Do you mind if I dance with Jeff?"

942
00:54:18,589 --> 00:54:20,469
"Yes, I know, I really object.

943
00:54:21,508 --> 00:54:23,468
What do you think this is,
Rachel?

944
00:54:23,552 --> 00:54:24,682
[audience laughs]

945
00:54:27,222 --> 00:54:29,982
Do you know what?
Get your nonsense
We go now.

946
00:54:30,058 --> 00:54:32,018
= = Shut up, Rachel.
I swear to God. "

947
00:54:34,480 --> 00:54:36,020
I don't have that tool.

948
00:54:36,106 --> 00:54:37,226
[audience laughs]

949
00:54:38,775 --> 00:54:40,935
So, I said, "Okay," and he danced with Jeff.

950
00:54:41,570 --> 00:54:44,660
And meet Jeff and go with Jeff.

951
00:54:44,740 --> 00:54:46,740
That's all.

952
00:54:47,075 --> 00:54:48,115
And I study -

953
00:54:48,535 --> 00:54:50,245
That person is Jeff - this is a true story.

954
00:54:50,329 --> 00:54:52,749
The man is Jeff, he's a woman now.

955
00:54:53,665 --> 00:54:54,825
That's what happened.

956
00:54:54,917 --> 00:54:55,917
That's right.

957
00:54:57,377 --> 00:55:01,417
I'm looking at Facebook people from my past, and she's a woman.

958
00:55:01,507 --> 00:55:04,927
And he has a whole blog on Facebook
about being a woman

959
00:55:05,177 --> 00:55:08,467
I wake up all night reading it.
I'm crying
It's amazing.

960
00:55:08,764 --> 00:55:10,774
I'm like, "This is amazing."

961
00:55:14,478 --> 00:55:18,648
And he said, "I haven't changed.
I know what I've been all along.

962
00:55:18,732 --> 00:55:21,692
I know I'm still a girl
since I was 6 years old."

963
00:55:22,319 --> 00:55:26,029
And I read it, and I thought,
"Why did you take that damn date?

964
00:55:26,114 --> 00:55:27,414
[audience laughs]

965
00:55:27,616 --> 00:55:31,196
You know?
You're nonsense
Damn, Jeff!

966
00:55:31,286 --> 00:55:32,696
[audience laughs]

967
00:55:33,163 --> 00:55:36,253
= = Fuck and your trip
I don't care now.

968
00:55:38,043 --> 00:55:43,843
Hurray for transgender, but believe me,
because you are just a bastard

969
00:55:44,508 --> 00:55:47,258
Who is a cunt.
That is what happened. "

970
00:55:47,344 --> 00:55:48,604
[the audience laughs and cheers]

971
00:55:56,979 --> 00:55:59,309
This is a difficult road,
but I envy this level

972
00:55:59,398 --> 00:56:03,858
they know what is happening
with them, and they keep it.

973
00:56:03,944 --> 00:56:08,574
What a great gift,
to know what's wrong with you

974
00:56:09,366 --> 00:56:10,986
Who else can own it?

975
00:56:11,076 --> 00:56:14,406
It's just soft,
I don't know anything!

976
00:56:15,414 --> 00:56:17,714
I will give a million dollars
just to wake up,

977
00:56:17,791 --> 00:56:20,421
"Oh, I'm an owl.
That is the problem.

978
00:56:20,502 --> 00:56:21,712
[audience laughs]

979
00:56:24,131 --> 00:56:27,181
I just blinked slowly
and ate mice."

980
00:56:34,308 --> 00:56:35,228
[chuckles]

981
00:56:36,393 --> 00:56:37,773
Because life is very confusing.

982
00:56:37,853 --> 00:56:41,483
Even I am 49 years old, and I haven't found it
cruising height for my identity.

983
00:56:42,399 --> 00:56:44,899
I'm still confused.

984
00:56:45,527 --> 00:56:49,407
I get a new feeling, and they upset me.
I don't like new feelings.

985
00:56:49,489 --> 00:56:52,659
I want to know what I like and get
and just die

986
00:56:52,743 --> 00:56:54,583
That's what I want to do at this time.

987
00:56:54,995 --> 00:56:58,825
Like me having a strange relationship
With this film sometimes there is a cable.

988
00:56:58,915 --> 00:57:01,915
This is called Magic Mike.
Have you seen this film?
Magic microphone.

989
00:57:02,002 --> 00:57:03,132
[cheering woman]

990
00:57:03,211 --> 00:57:06,881
For those of you who watch this
on a video many years from now,

991
00:57:07,716 --> 00:57:09,966
Magic Mike is a film
about male strippers

992
00:57:10,594 --> 00:57:12,764
starring Matthew McConaughey
and Channing Tatum.

993
00:57:13,055 --> 00:57:14,135
[woman] Whoo!

994
00:57:14,222 --> 00:57:17,812
[Laughter] That is a country that is very different when it is made  from every time you watch.

995
00:57:17,893 --> 00:57:19,313
But anyway...

996
00:57:19,853 --> 00:57:20,693
[audience laughs]

997
00:57:20,771 --> 00:57:21,811
We have many other things.

998
00:57:22,397 --> 00:57:24,107
This building is no longer here.

999
00:57:25,275 --> 00:57:26,815
But...

1000
00:57:31,156 --> 00:57:31,986


1001
00:57:33,075 --> 00:57:36,615
You watch it in a dusty place,
and it's all rubble.

1002
00:57:37,120 --> 00:57:38,370
And you see this.

1003
00:57:38,455 --> 00:57:41,035
I don't know why you pay attention to this
out of everything

1004
00:57:44,002 --> 00:57:48,262
But if the situation is very easy,
we make films like Magic Mike.

1005
00:57:48,340 --> 00:57:51,640
This is just a good movie
about a man who strips

1006
00:57:53,345 --> 00:57:56,515
And every time I turn around and it continues, I always stop.

1007
00:57:58,517 --> 00:58:01,137
And then I play a little chicken game
with this film

1008
00:58:01,228 --> 00:58:02,438
[audience laughs]

1009
00:58:04,106 --> 00:58:06,526
I stopped because this is a good movie.
It's well made,

1010
00:58:06,817 --> 00:58:08,937
directed by Steven Soderbergh,
good director

1011
00:58:09,236 --> 00:58:12,656
So I go into it, I enter
the story, and then they begin to disarm.

1012
00:58:13,240 --> 00:58:15,450
And then I started to have it
all these feelings

1013
00:58:16,660 --> 00:58:18,370
My face is rather hot.

1014
00:58:19,246 --> 00:58:21,076
Initially, I was only hostile
for no reason.

1015
00:58:21,164 --> 00:58:24,294
I'm just - fucking-- fucking--

1016
00:58:24,376 --> 00:58:27,086
[booing]

1017
00:58:30,382 --> 00:58:32,722
But there is one part of the film
that I like

1018
00:58:32,926 --> 00:58:39,386
I have a favorite part... Magic Mike,
So, I always stick to that part.

1019
00:58:39,474 --> 00:58:44,024
This is the part where Matthew McConaughey,
He wears leather pants, no shirt.

1020
00:58:44,104 --> 00:58:45,024
And he goes,

1021
00:58:45,105 --> 00:58:47,225
[McConaughey]
"The law says that you cannot touch.

1022
00:58:48,233 --> 00:58:50,693
But I think I see a lot of
lawbreakers out there."  [audience laughs]

1023
00:58:50,777 --> 00:58:51,777
[ordinary voice] Like, only that...

1024
00:58:51,862 --> 00:58:53,452
This, like, is perfect.

1025
00:58:55,991 --> 00:58:56,911
Like the way it came out of him.

1026
00:58:58,160 --> 00:58:59,540
[McConaughey] "I think I see a lot of
law breakers out there."

1027
00:58:59,619 --> 00:59:02,209
[normal sound] I really like that.

1028
00:59:04,458 --> 00:59:06,128
I like that.

1029
00:59:07,085 --> 00:59:08,085


1030
00:59:09,463 --> 00:59:12,973
When the film continues, I always like it,
"Let's go where he said that."

1031
00:59:13,383 --> 00:59:16,683
And then he said it, and I like it,
"Good fuck, that's great."

1032
00:59:16,762 --> 00:59:17,972
[audience laughs]

1033
00:59:18,346 --> 00:59:19,966
I like it very much.

1034
00:59:20,557 --> 00:59:22,847
This is how I like it.
I don't do impressions,

1035
00:59:22,934 --> 00:59:26,444
and I nail it like that
because I always think about it.

1036
00:59:26,521 --> 00:59:27,811
[audience laughs]

1037
00:59:32,235 --> 00:59:34,105
I walk around my house, like,

1038
00:59:34,196 --> 00:59:36,316
[McConaughey]
"The law says that you cannot touch.

1039
00:59:36,406 --> 00:59:37,696
[crowd laughs]

1040
00:59:38,575 --> 00:59:41,655
The law says that you cannot touch."

1041
00:59:43,163 --> 00:59:44,663
[normal voice] Then I go to my dog,

1042
00:59:44,748 --> 00:59:47,458
[McConaughey] "But I think
I see many law breakers here."

1043
00:59:52,130 --> 00:59:53,670
[normal sound] I like that part.

1044
00:59:54,800 --> 00:59:56,800
After he said it,
all these strippers come in

1045
00:59:56,885 --> 00:59:58,885
Matthew McConaughey
and all these strippers.

1046
00:59:58,970 --> 01:00:00,760
Channing Tatum comes out, fucking...

1047
01:00:01,306 --> 01:00:02,886
[audience laughs]

1048
01:00:07,979 --> 01:00:10,399
And then I go, like, "Fuck!"
Then I have to stop.

1049
01:00:11,483 --> 01:00:12,943
I begin to feel.

1050
01:00:13,026 --> 01:00:14,566
[audience laughs]

1051
01:00:15,070 --> 01:00:18,320
I start feeling, like, feeling.
This is not good.

1052
01:00:19,324 --> 01:00:20,414
This is not good.

1053
01:00:21,409 --> 01:00:25,209
But I can feel my cock start
to reverse a little.

1054
01:00:25,330 --> 01:00:26,250
Just started...

1055
01:00:29,417 --> 01:00:32,337
You know when you can feel it
Your penis type is revealed?

1056
01:00:32,420 --> 01:00:33,920
[audience laughs]

1057
01:00:38,718 --> 01:00:41,888
This is like a swimming pool toy that has exploded for a while.

1058
01:00:41,972 --> 01:00:45,892
Wrinkles start
to get out.
This starts to form.

1059
01:00:45,976 --> 01:00:46,976
[audience laughs]

1060
01:00:53,692 --> 01:00:54,822
Only the beginning...

1061
01:00:56,069 --> 01:00:58,409
My cock just wakes up
[yawning]

1062
01:01:00,907 --> 01:01:02,237
What are you doing here

1063
01:01:02,325 --> 01:01:03,405
[audience laughs]

1064
01:01:07,539 --> 01:01:09,169
I have never seen a whole film.

1065
01:01:09,249 --> 01:01:11,709
I've never seen Magic Mike
as a whole

1066
01:01:12,460 --> 01:01:15,800
Because I don't want to see it.
I don't want to see the end of Magic Mike.

1067
01:01:15,881 --> 01:01:17,631
I know what Magic Mike's end is.

1068
01:01:17,716 --> 01:01:22,296
I'm pretty sure that the end of Magic Mike
is that I'm gay

1069
01:01:22,387 --> 01:01:23,927
[audience laughs]

1070
01:01:27,601 --> 01:01:29,021
[audience cheers]

1071
01:01:30,187 --> 01:01:31,807
I'm pretty sure that's the end.

1072
01:01:33,690 --> 01:01:37,360
I don't want to see the ending.
I want to stay like this.

1073
01:01:38,153 --> 01:01:40,743
Do you know why?
Because I am 49 years old.

1074
01:01:41,281 --> 01:01:44,201
I don't want to enter
Gay community now.

1075
01:01:45,118 --> 01:01:48,498
This is not my version
it will have an awesome time

1076
01:01:49,039 --> 01:01:50,999
as a new gay guy.

1077
01:01:53,043 --> 01:01:54,543
So, damn it.

1078
01:01:55,170 --> 01:01:58,130
And that's my right, by the way.
Because it's about me.

1079
01:01:58,798 --> 01:01:59,838
That's my life.

1080
01:01:59,925 --> 01:02:02,715
I will never discriminate
against others because of being gay.

1081
01:02:02,802 --> 01:02:07,062
I will not dream it.
But I have the right to oppress

1082
01:02:07,307 --> 01:02:12,597
and discriminate against
homosexuality maybe myself.

1083
01:02:12,687 --> 01:02:17,477
It's mine to just press roughly.

1084
01:02:21,363 --> 01:02:24,243
Like that dude
I tried to make me explode now.

1085
01:02:24,324 --> 01:02:25,914
[audience laughs]

1086
01:02:32,958 --> 01:02:36,668
And you know, I haven't become, like,
generally interested in men.

1087
01:02:36,753 --> 01:02:38,343
I am not sexually attracted to men.

1088
01:02:38,421 --> 01:02:43,181
Only Matthew McConaughey
and Channing Tatum.

1089
01:02:43,927 --> 01:02:45,927
The two people?
Fuck.

1090
01:02:46,221 --> 01:02:49,181
Fuck, seriously.

1091
01:02:49,849 --> 01:02:52,349
Matthew, with rough skin.

1092
01:02:52,435 --> 01:02:53,725
He is like, "Hey..."

1093
01:02:54,145 --> 01:02:54,975
Only...

1094
01:02:55,772 --> 01:02:56,982
[groans]

1095
01:02:57,774 --> 01:02:59,034
Fucking sexy.

1096
01:03:00,402 --> 01:03:02,702
And Channing, stupid faces, like...

1097
01:03:03,405 --> 01:03:05,235
Like, oh, shit!

1098
01:03:06,157 --> 01:03:07,237
[groans]

1099
01:03:07,325 --> 01:03:09,405
Fuck.
I love it.

1100
01:03:13,164 --> 01:03:16,544
But man, in general, I'm not into it.
Do you know what I'm thinking?

1101
01:03:16,626 --> 01:03:18,496
I'm just gay for the best.

1102
01:03:18,586 --> 01:03:20,206
[audience laughs]

1103
01:03:22,090 --> 01:03:23,590
I'm a top-shelf gay.

1104
01:03:24,759 --> 01:03:28,679
I'm not a retail gay, you know what I mean?
I'm not gay off-the-rack.

1105
01:03:29,431 --> 01:03:32,311
I will not go to JC Penney & apos; s and suck a bunch of penis.

1106
01:03:32,392 --> 01:03:33,522
[audience laughs]

1107
01:03:33,727 --> 01:03:37,517
I will go to Neiman Marcus
and get a collection of signatures.

1108
01:03:38,857 --> 01:03:40,317
Platinum Dick

1109
01:03:41,651 --> 01:03:42,861
Best.

1110
01:03:43,278 --> 01:03:44,698
The best dick

1111
01:03:46,614 --> 01:03:48,374
Because I will try my best.

1112
01:03:49,576 --> 01:03:51,536
If it's the best, I'll try it.

1113
01:03:52,579 --> 01:03:53,789
Like, I don't like cognac.

1114
01:03:53,872 --> 01:03:57,132
I will never buy a bottle of Hennessy
and keep it in my house.

1115
01:03:57,208 --> 01:03:59,458
But I've never tried the best cognac.

1116
01:03:59,836 --> 01:04:03,046
If someone is like,
"Do you want to try this cognac?

1117
01:04:03,506 --> 01:04:08,426
This cognac is 500 years old
300 years ago."

1118
01:04:08,511 --> 01:04:09,601
[audience laughs]

1119
01:04:10,221 --> 01:04:12,061
Like, "Yes, please give me that."

1120
01:04:13,725 --> 01:04:16,135
If someone asks me
to go to a Kenyan restaurant,

1121
01:04:16,227 --> 01:04:19,107
I don't want to go to a Kenyan restaurant.
I know all the foods I like.

1122
01:04:20,106 --> 01:04:22,776
If someone like,
"This is the best Kenyan restaurant.

1123
01:04:22,859 --> 01:04:25,109
It took six months to get a reservation.

1124
01:04:25,195 --> 01:04:26,315
I can enter

1125
01:04:26,404 --> 01:04:29,284
They fly live turtles on.

1126
01:04:30,116 --> 01:04:34,156
And you eat it, you bite it
Her face is screaming while still alive.

1127
01:04:37,123 --> 01:04:40,383
And every turtle you eat is the last
of its species. "

1128
01:04:40,460 --> 01:04:41,960
[audience laughs]

1129
01:04:44,005 --> 01:04:45,835
I can't wait to eat that damn turtle.

1130
01:04:46,841 --> 01:04:49,141
I will end the people with my mouth.

1131
01:04:52,180 --> 01:04:53,390
The best, I will try it.

1132
01:04:53,473 --> 01:04:56,483
If someone is like,
"We have guys here, he has the best dick.

1133
01:04:57,185 --> 01:04:59,475
The best dick ever.

1134
01:05:00,313 --> 01:05:03,693
His penis has been soaked in olive oil
since he was five

1135
01:05:03,775 --> 01:05:04,975
We don't feed him anything
but butter and penis for the rest of his life.

1136
01:05:08,363 --> 01:05:11,783
He has the best dick,
and you can suck it right now. "

1137
01:05:15,453 --> 01:05:18,503
"Okay, let me see.

1138
01:05:28,466 --> 01:05:29,466
[audience laughs]

1139
01:05:29,551 --> 01:05:31,261
Can I see it?

1140
01:05:31,511 --> 01:05:32,391
Can you take it out?

1141
01:05:33,638 --> 01:05:34,808
Oh, damn it.
That's beautiful.
God. My favorite now.
Fuck, I shouldn't have seen it.

1142
01:05:37,142 --> 01:05:39,562


1143
01:05:39,936 --> 01:05:42,976


1144
01:05:45,275 --> 01:05:48,895
Bring it closer.
I don't know what I am
I will do it, but bring it closer. "

1145
01:05:54,742 --> 01:05:56,162
[sniffing]

1146
01:05:56,244 --> 01:05:57,504
[audience laughing]

1147
01:06:03,209 --> 01:06:04,339
[snoring]

1148
01:06:10,425 --> 01:06:11,335
[kissing]

1149
01:06:16,222 --> 01:06:18,812
I think, at that moment,
you put it in your mouth, right?

1150
01:06:18,892 --> 01:06:20,892
If You see the best dick ever,

1151
01:06:20,977 --> 01:06:24,607
and you're not sure... You want to suck it,
just put it in your mouth

1152
01:06:25,356 --> 01:06:27,436
And then decide.
Just for like 20 seconds.

1153
01:06:27,525 --> 01:06:28,605
[woman] Whoo!

1154
01:06:29,402 --> 01:06:32,532
It's been a long time.
It's 20 seconds.

1155
01:06:32,697 --> 01:06:35,737
It's been a long time
to have a penis in your mouth...

1156
01:06:36,326 --> 01:06:38,156
that you are ambivalent. -

1157
01:06:38,244 --> 01:06:39,834
If you have a penis in your mouth
for 20 seconds, you don't decide.

1158
01:06:40,246 --> 01:06:41,076
Twenty seconds.

1159
01:06:41,164 --> 01:06:44,674


1160
01:06:47,128 --> 01:06:48,088


1161
01:06:48,171 --> 01:06:51,381
This - I will show it to you.
This is
20 seconds with a penis in your mouth.

1162
01:06:51,466 --> 01:06:53,046
[audience laughs]

1163
01:06:57,805 --> 01:07:00,805
[the audience claps and cheers]

1164
01:07:12,529 --> 01:07:13,529
No.

1165
01:07:13,613 --> 01:07:15,283
[audience laughs]

1166
01:07:15,990 --> 01:07:16,820
No.

1167
01:07:21,496 --> 01:07:23,536
It's been in my mouth all day.

1168
01:07:23,623 --> 01:07:24,833
[audience laughs]

1169
01:07:28,002 --> 01:07:29,962
I don't like penis.
That's why I'm not gay.

1170
01:07:30,547 --> 01:07:34,877
That is the reason.
I hate penis.
Penis is very disgusting to me.

1171
01:07:34,968 --> 01:07:37,968
for me.
I don't want to revoke your yum.
I just thought they were dirty.

1172
01:07:39,264 --> 01:07:40,434
I always hate penis.

1173
01:07:40,515 --> 01:07:42,265
I hate my father's penis.
I did it.

1174
01:07:43,017 --> 01:07:44,557
I do it.
I hate my father's penis.

1175
01:07:44,644 --> 01:07:47,364
When you were little,
You will see your father's dick.

1176
01:07:48,356 --> 01:07:50,856
If you go to a restaurant,
you might see your father's dick.

1177
01:07:53,736 --> 01:07:55,106
I have to explain it right?

1178
01:07:55,196 --> 01:07:58,276
Sounds like I have a strange father.

1179
01:08:00,451 --> 01:08:02,541
"Okay, we will eat.
Everyone is looking around."

1180
01:08:03,162 --> 01:08:04,542
[audience laughs]

1181
01:08:08,876 --> 01:08:12,756
No, sometimes you go
to a restaurant with your family,

1182
01:08:12,839 --> 01:08:16,179
When it's time to urinate, you urinate with your father if you are a child  If you go to a ballgame with your father,
there is--

1183
01:08:16,259 --> 01:08:18,549
There is never a urinal.
It's just a trough.

1184
01:08:18,636 --> 01:08:20,926
And boys and men
stand there with

1185
01:08:21,723 --> 01:08:24,313
And people just stand there...
[whooshing]

1186
01:08:24,434 --> 01:08:26,604
And we are here, little ones.

1187
01:08:26,853 --> 01:08:28,983
And the penis is eye-level.

1188
01:08:29,981 --> 01:08:31,731
Just horrible, pissing the penis.

1189
01:08:31,816 --> 01:08:35,106
In both directions,
like the choir line, only...

1190
01:08:35,903 --> 01:08:39,783
[crying]

1191
01:08:40,283 --> 01:08:41,953
[audience laughs]

1192
01:08:42,035 --> 01:08:43,115
And my dad has the worst dick.

1193
01:08:45,246 --> 01:08:47,416


1194
01:08:48,041 --> 01:08:49,631
He experienced the worst.

1195
01:08:51,127 --> 01:08:53,417
Because of my father -
First of all, my father is Mexican.

1196
01:08:53,504 --> 01:08:56,344
That's right.
My father is Mexican.
I'm not

1197
01:08:56,758 --> 01:09:00,348
I'm not Mexican.
My father is.

1198
01:09:01,220 --> 01:09:06,890
Just because some Mexicans slept with my mother
for years... didn't make me Mexican.

1199
01:09:07,935 --> 01:09:09,555
That only makes him a prostitute.

1200
01:09:09,979 --> 01:09:11,399
[audience laughs]

1201
01:09:12,231 --> 01:09:14,981
But, anyway... my father -

1202
01:09:15,735 --> 01:09:18,815
My father has a Mexican, Catholic,

1203
01:09:19,072 --> 01:09:23,912
not cut, raw, organic...

1204
01:09:25,161 --> 01:09:29,921
local, fucking free-range dick Mexico.

1205
01:09:30,124 --> 01:09:31,544
That's very basic.

1206
01:09:31,626 --> 01:09:37,046
It feels like a farmer's market,
just sticking out like a Tamarindo pod.

1207
01:09:37,715 --> 01:09:39,755
And the urine will spray it.

1208
01:09:39,842 --> 01:09:42,722
I'm like, "Dad, open your penny
before you urinate from it."

1209
01:09:45,556 --> 01:09:48,266
It's like urinating
from the corner of a pillowcase

1210
01:09:48,351 --> 01:09:49,851
[audience laughs]

1211
01:10:00,405 --> 01:10:02,815
And my father's life is -
My father has a strange life.

1212
01:10:04,200 --> 01:10:05,030
Too.

1213
01:10:08,496 --> 01:10:12,166
When I was ten years old, my parents got it
divorced, and my father turned into a Jew.

1214
01:10:12,834 --> 01:10:15,254
I mean, he repents...

1215
01:10:17,463 --> 01:10:19,803
for Judaism.
He did not turn into a Jew.

1216
01:10:21,217 --> 01:10:22,587
It's not like my dad is like...

1217
01:10:22,677 --> 01:10:23,927
[grumbling]

1218
01:10:27,724 --> 01:10:28,814
[groans]

1219
01:10:29,434 --> 01:10:30,274
He...

1220
01:10:32,228 --> 01:10:35,018
converted to Judaism.

1221
01:10:36,524 --> 01:10:39,034
And I have friends who are Jews.

1222
01:10:39,110 --> 01:10:43,030
And I know that they only have a little
cut dicks, a little - a little neat...

1223
01:10:44,198 --> 01:10:47,078
And then I remember
My father's alligator claws from the penis.

1224
01:10:47,160 --> 01:10:48,490
[audience laughs]

1225
01:10:50,663 --> 01:10:51,663
I really hate penis.

1226
01:10:51,748 --> 01:10:55,498
That's really my problem with being gay.
That's why I'm not gay.
Men are fine.

1227
01:10:55,585 --> 01:10:58,045
I want to have a girlfriend,
it will be fun

1228
01:10:58,796 --> 01:11:01,796
I will.
Every time I hear someone say
"my girlfriend,"

1229
01:11:01,883 --> 01:11:03,683
I always like, "I want a girlfriend."

1230
01:11:05,261 --> 01:11:07,101
Why don't I have a boyfriend?

1231
01:01:08,014 --> 01:11:09,854
I want to have a big and tall boyfriend.

1232
01:11:15,396 --> 01:11:16,516
That's my boyfriend.

1233
01:11:18,733 --> 01:11:20,363
I'm angry with my boyfriend.

1234
01:11:20,443 --> 01:11:21,443
[audience laughs]

1235
01:11:23,488 --> 01:11:25,778
I can wear the jacket.
It's all great for me.

1236
01:11:25,865 --> 01:11:28,405
I like, "This is my boyfriend's jacket.

1237
01:11:33,372 --> 01:11:34,542
I feel safe."

1238
01:11:35,458 --> 01:11:36,538
I know I will like it.

1239
01:11:36,626 --> 01:11:39,126
I want to have a big
dude in my life.

1240
01:11:40,463 --> 01:11:42,673
Come behind me like this.
I'm like, "Hi."

1241
01:11:43,090 --> 01:11:44,430
[audience laughs]

1242
01:11:45,009 --> 01:11:46,929
Like, I know it will be fun.

1243
01:11:48,304 --> 01:11:49,974
But to get all those parts,

1244
01:11:50,056 --> 01:11:53,016
You have to have a fucking chicken
push your shirt

1245
01:11:53,100 --> 01:11:56,150
Like a hard dick that happens in your body--

1246
01:11:56,229 --> 01:11:57,439
Ow!

1247
01:11:57,647 --> 01:11:59,357
"Oh, shit.

1248
01:11:59,857 --> 01:12:00,857
Oh.

1249
01:12:01,317 --> 01:12:03,277
I just want to wear your jacket."

1250
01:12:03,361 --> 01:12:04,861
[audience laughs]

1251
01:12:07,406 --> 01:12:09,236
Thank you very much, you guys.
You're great

1252
01:12:09,325 --> 01:12:10,985
Thank you very much.

1253
01:12:11,077 --> 01:12:12,747
[audience cheers]

1254
01:13:28,029 --> 01:13:29,909
[Led Zeppelin "Good Times Bad Times"
play]  ♪ In my youth
I was told what it means to be a man ♪

1255
01:13:40,541 --> 01:13:46,881
♪ Now I have reached that age ♪

1256
01:13:51,260 --> 01:13:52,930
♪ I've tried doing all that
The best I can ♪

1257
01:13:53,012 --> 01:13:57,392
♪ No matter how I try
I find my way to the same old jam ♪

1258
01:14:01,604 --> 01:14:07,784
♪ Congratulations, bad time
Do you know I've shared?

1259
01:14:12,156 --> 01:14:16,696


1260
01:14:16,786 --> 01:14:19,246
♪ When my wife comes home
For brown-eyed men ♪