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Visit www.Fastbet99.club
Trusted Trusted Online Gambling Agent

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[Morgan Freeman]
He is in possession.

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00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:11,945
He doesn't think of jokes.

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00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:15,415
He is compiling voiceover
I tell you right now.

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00:00:16,216 --> 00:00:20,153
Asking me to approve this matter
is beyond his wildest dreams.

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00:00:20,220 --> 00:00:23,624
And he doesn't want to waste it
reckless opportunity.

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00:00:25,425 --> 00:00:28,829
You have arrived at voicemail
from comedian genius Dave Chappelle.

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00:00:28,896 --> 00:00:32,199
Unfortunately,
he can't or doesn't want to talk now,

9
00:00:32,266 --> 00:00:34,635
so please leave a detailed message

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00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,470
[playing music]

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00:00:37,237 --> 00:00:38,238
♪ Play me ♪

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00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:40,874
♪ Buy me ♪

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00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:43,510
♪ Workinonit ♪

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00:00:44,511 --> 00:00:45,612
♪ Tune up ♪

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00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:48,215
♪ Tune ♪

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♪ Oh ♪

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♪ Fade me ♪

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00:01:06,366 --> 00:01:07,401
♪ what?
♪

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00:01:07,467 --> 00:01:08,902
[playing music]

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00:01:08,969 --> 00:01:10,637
♪ Now, when I'm young ♪

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♪ At the age of five years ♪

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♪ My mother said I would be ♪

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♪ The greatest man alive... ♪

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[applause and applause]

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♪ But now I'm a guy ♪

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♪ Walk past 21 ♪

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♪ I'm a man ♪

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♪ I spell M ♪

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♪ A, kid ♪

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♪ N ♪

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Yes.

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Thank you.

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Thank you very much.

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00:01:57,985 --> 00:01:59,119
Thank you.

35
00:02:01,321 --> 00:02:02,356
What is happening?

36
00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:06,693
Nice to see everyone here tonight.

37
00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:10,163
Thank you.

38
00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:16,370
Hey, sit down.
Everyone feels comfortable and relaxed.

39
00:02:16,436 --> 00:02:19,907
Geez.
Nice to go back to Austin, Texas.

40
00:02:21,608 --> 00:02:24,278
It's good to know that the boxes have returned.

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[audience laughs]

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Most of the dudes I met
around this section

43
00:02:27,548 --> 00:02:29,948
dress like a dyke in New York,
so I like to see it.

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00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:39,693
Humans!
Texas Fuck
This place is...

45
00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:41,695
That's pretty good.

46
00:02:41,762 --> 00:02:43,063
[applause and applause]

47
00:02:43,130 --> 00:02:44,531
Good enough.

48
00:02:45,465 --> 00:02:47,067
I was in Santa Fe that night,

49
00:02:47,134 --> 00:02:49,536
and a bastard throws a banana peel
at me.

50
00:02:51,371 --> 00:02:53,240
Yes, it doesn't feel so good.

51
00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:55,976
Of course, it's white.

52
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Not to indict white people.
I just said
Not for profiles.

53
00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:07,154
And then, he doesn't just throw
bananas peel me, but...

54
00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:10,023
it's planned.
You can know.

55
00:03:11,158 --> 00:03:15,162
You can know.
The skin is too brown.
Do you know what I mean?

56
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You haven't eaten bananas recently,
bastards

57
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You have nonsense waiting for me.

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And the whole crowd is white,
so it's just scary,

59
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and everyone looks like they
see 12 years of a slave.

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They are all like...

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00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:35,482
Who did that?

62
00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:38,952
And then they catch that person,
who...

63
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[laughs]

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I said, "Someone will love you
on the handle in the stem cell.

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You know that right?

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You can't just throw a banana skin
on Dave Chappelle.

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They won't let you go
with this."

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And the press calls me like,
"Do you have a statement?"

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"A statement ?!
For fucking banana skin?
No!

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I don't have anything to say."

71
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:11,852
This person is very famous
to throw bananas at me.

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Twenty years from now,
she will slip her children into bed,

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00:04:15,722 --> 00:04:17,834
and children will be like,
"Dad, tell me about today

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You throw the banana skin to the Negro
in Santa Fe."

75
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"Wow, what do I say.
The bastard has it.

76
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I saw his name in the tent
about a week before.

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I said, 'Man, if I can get it
close enough to meet him...

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I will throw the banana to the Negro
and show him how... '"

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Fucking Bananagate.
I don't even like...

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I don't even want to file a claim.
This happened to me before .  No, seriously.
Not bananas.
I live in Ohio right? clap for that.

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OK
It's the first time
that crap has ever happened.

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"Ohio?!"

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However...

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I live among white people.

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Small town in Ohio.

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And that is winter,
and it snowed recently,

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so there is big snow on the road.
I'm walking with my sister.

91
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Now, my brother is dressed in
in all Muslim clothes,

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Like his children,

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and I dress like Dave Chappelle.

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And we walk
and just talk about something,

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and a car shot round the corner,
and the window went down,

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and someone throws a snowball
and hits me right on my shoulder.

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[thud]

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I don't know what's going on.
Why this happened?

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Because I'm black?
Because he is Muslim?
Because I'm Dave Chappelle?

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00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:52,986
I don't know.
But, again, I know it's planned.

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Because who has a snowball?
in a warm car?

102
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But he doesn't think about it
Along the way, miss.

103
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Because he went around
and stopped at a red light.

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He is trapped in traffic.

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00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:10,671
So, I ran out to the street,
and I just tapped on the window.

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[pounding]

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"My man, can I talk to you guys?
for a moment?

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Come on for a moment.
I just want to talk to you. "

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There are four young white dudes in the car.
They are like," just cool, bro. "

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I say," Relax, I just want to talk. "

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Now, this is an old black trick.

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Really, I don't want to talk.
I will fuck them.

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So if you have been trapped in traffic,

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and a black man starts saying
he just wants to talk to you,

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don't open the door

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Even if he is me, smile at you.

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And they are like,
"Chill, bro."

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And one person in the back seat...

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I don't know what,
He's just thinner than his friends.

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He is like, "Fuck, man!
I will get out of the car!"

121
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And I started to grip the door.

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"Let me help you, bastard.
Let me help you out."

123
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And I don't pay attention to the window.

124
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And he throws a snowball,
Damn it hit me right on my chest.
Pow!

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He said, "Fuck, you're a naughty Negro!"

126
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Then the light turns green
and they rush away.

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And I smile from ear to ear.

128
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I looked at my sister,
and she said, "I got the plate."

129
00:07:16,537 --> 00:07:19,506
And I'm happy because
throws a snowball into a bastard

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is a mild attack.

131
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But if you call him a Negro
when you do it,

132
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That is a great hate crime.

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And my sister and I started dancing.

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"We will send this bastard
to jail!"

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I didn't realize it,
But when I shouted at him,

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a crowd of white people has been formed,
Because it is a city that is all white.

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00:07:41,528 --> 00:07:43,997
And I'm like, "Uh-oh."
I thought I would jump.

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00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:48,368
Then one of them white people walks
and like, "I don't like it at all.

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00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:53,073
This is not what this city represents.

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00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:55,642
I don't want this damn item
around me. "

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00:07:56,977 --> 00:08:00,180
And other white men like,
" Yeah, I don't like it either! "

142
00:08:01,548 --> 00:08:03,293
And then an old white man stepped out of the crowd and said,

143
00:08:03,317 --> 00:08:05,361
" Young man, if you want to fill
a police report,

144
00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:08,155
I want to come with you
and do the same thing. "

145
00:08:08,222 --> 00:08:09,957
I say," You will do that for me? "

146
00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:12,960
And all the people say," Hurray! "
I said," Come on, yes! "

147
00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:15,162
Brother Johnson

148
00:08:15,229 --> 00:08:16,389
with traces of white people.

149
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Not real
An hour later,
we all sat in the police station,

150
00:08:27,140 --> 00:08:29,620
and police enter
They are like, "All right, Mr. Chappelle...

151
00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:32,346
sixteen identical police reports.

152
00:08:33,814 --> 00:08:37,351
We carry out tags.
Two young men
who have their mother's car

153
00:08:38,318 --> 00:08:41,288
We have four suspects in holding,
and mother here

154
00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:44,591
It's up to you.
Whatever you want to do

155
00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:46,760
If you want to make a claim,
we will advance.

156
00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:48,262
Mr. Chappelle, are you okay? "

157
00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:49,630
"Huh?

158
00:08:50,998 --> 00:08:52,775
Sorry about that, Officer.
I'm a little confused.

159
00:08:52,799 --> 00:08:54,668
I've never been in a position

160
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:57,604
where I can determine his fate
from previous white children

161
00:08:57,671 --> 00:08:58,672
But...

162
00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:02,910
It weighs heavily for me, sir.

163
00:09:04,611 --> 00:09:06,113
And I really can't decide. "

164
00:09:08,415 --> 00:09:10,651
And I saw a woman pacing
in the hallway,

165
00:09:10,717 --> 00:09:13,387
and I said," Is that... "
She said," Yes, that's their mother. "

166
00:09:14,388 --> 00:09:16,190
" Can I talk to him?
before I make a decision? "

167
00:09:17,524 --> 00:09:20,227
And when the mother enters
and she sees it is me,

168
00:09:20,294 --> 00:09:21,862
she sobs.

169
00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:24,298
" Oh, God, Oh, no.
I don't want him to be imprisoned.

170
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:26,567
I am very sorry.
I didn't raise it to do this.

171
00:09:26,633 --> 00:09:28,444
We like your comedy.
We love you at home. "

172
00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:31,371
I say," Miss, please, just...
Alright, look.

173
00:09:31,438 --> 00:09:34,374
I don't want your child to go to jail too.

174
00:09:36,210 --> 00:09:38,912
But what he did was quite chaotic.

175
00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:42,382
So, is there anything we can do,
short of prison,

176
00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:44,351
just to let him know that he's wrong? "

177
00:09:44,418 --> 00:09:46,887
He said," I don't know.
What's in your mind? "

178
00:09:46,954 --> 00:09:49,122
" Miss, I've never been in this position before.

179
00:09:56,196 --> 00:09:59,132
But maybe if you...
If you can...  suck my cock a little.
Just a little.

180
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,803
I will not finish.

181
00:10:02,870 --> 00:10:04,338


182
00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:07,574
I just want you to do it enough
so I can tell him you have done it. "

183
00:10:12,079 --> 00:10:13,080
I'm kidding.

184
00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:17,317
I'm kidding.
I won't do that to anyone.

185
00:10:17,918 --> 00:10:20,153
Maybe my child's mother, but that's all.  Ebola is in Texas. Ebola visits.

186
00:10:24,191 --> 00:10:27,427
Killing the man in Dallas.
Five days, the man melted to death.

187
00:10:30,497 --> 00:10:34,801
What happened to the brother in Dallas?

188
00:10:34,868 --> 00:10:38,338
"Where is the secret serum?"
what we all say

189
00:10:38,405 --> 00:10:41,341
I remember at the beginning of Ebola,  there were two American doctors who fell ill in Africa.

190
00:10:42,109 --> 00:10:44,211


191
00:10:45,379 --> 00:10:48,182


192
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:51,685
They fly it by private jet
to Atlanta, to CDC.

193
00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:54,621
I don't even know CDC sees patients.

194
00:10:57,958 --> 00:11:00,127
Someone said they were taken care of

195
00:11:00,194 --> 00:11:03,463
what's called the New York Times
"secret serum."

196
00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:07,000
I don't know what it says
It's like Colonel Sanders recipe.

197
00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:10,737
But these two bastards survive.

198
00:11:10,804 --> 00:11:12,639
These doctors, thank God, are healthy.

199
00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:15,175
They are out there tonight
at Whole Foods,

200
00:11:15,242 --> 00:11:17,644
touch vegetables, take a walk.

201
00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:19,179
Everything is fine.

202
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:22,082
"Hey, Frank, how are you doing?"

203
00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:25,886
"You didn't hear me? I had Ebola last week.
But I'm fine now.

204
00:11:25,953 --> 00:11:28,822
I bleed from my eyes and anus,
so I'm worried,

205
00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:30,224
But I'm fine. "

206
00:11:33,427 --> 00:11:35,395
What happened to brothers in Dallas?

207
00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:37,740
They only wiped a few Vicks
on the nigga's chest.

208
00:11:37,764 --> 00:11:38,804
" Good luck, little friend. "

209
00:11:48,542 --> 00:11:50,110
I know he won't succeed.

210
00:11:51,745 --> 00:11:54,414
I remember.
Sad.

211
00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:56,850
I saw in The New York Times...

212
00:11:57,751 --> 00:12:00,954
They say Ebola is a new AIDS.

213
00:12:01,021 --> 00:12:03,156
Wow!
That's not it?
are working well,

214
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,926
and they already have new AIDS.

215
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,929
Isn't that amazing how they do it?

216
00:12:08,996 --> 00:12:10,597


217
00:12:10,664 --> 00:12:14,067
Isn't it strange that there is a new disease that began in 1980,

218
00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:17,037
and that doesn't kill anyone
but niggas, homo and addicts?

219
00:12:17,104 --> 00:12:19,973
Isn't that a great coincidence

220
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:23,577
that this disease hates everyone
Parents and whites hate it?

221
00:12:30,284 --> 00:12:31,752
I think God is good white,

222
00:12:31,818 --> 00:12:34,621
or the government hides that crap
in disco balls

223
00:12:36,390 --> 00:12:38,258
Only people who get AIDS.

224
00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:43,864
Last month,
on the front of The New York Times,

225
00:12:43,931 --> 00:12:45,832
measles is the headline.

226
00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:48,936
I have to check the date of the paper.
I like, "Measles? Is this 1850?

227
00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:53,040
What is this?
Why is measles on the news? "

228
00:12:54,041 --> 00:12:57,978
It turns out they are trying to decide
If mandatory vaccinations for children

229
00:12:58,045 --> 00:12:59,446
are the way we all want to go.

230
00:12:59,513 --> 00:13:00,647
There are thoughts

231
00:13:00,714 --> 00:13:02,416
[applause and applause]

232
00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:06,987
You say yes
I ask sorry, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm just...

233
00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:11,525
I don't know
I don't know about this.

234
00:13:11,592 --> 00:13:15,495
First of all, black people generally
don't trust doctors

235
00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:19,366
After the Tuskegee
experiment and all That nonsense.

236
00:13:19,433 --> 00:13:22,703
More importantly, don't forget
Michael Jackson was killed by a doctor.

237
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:26,907
Indeed, he's doing drugs.
But if I'm a heroin addict

238
00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:29,843
and I have a licensed doctor
injects heroin inside me,

239
00:13:29,910 --> 00:13:31,144
I have to endure that.

240
00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:35,349
I will only like, "I'm good right?
I'm good?

241
00:13:36,350 --> 00:13:37,584
That's not too much, right?"

242
00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:41,722
Dr. Butterfingers kill Michael Jackson.

243
00:13:41,788 --> 00:13:44,191
After that, I like,
"Fuck to the doctor."

244
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,871
Why am I cured?
my children are vaccinated

245
00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:49,630
for old diseases like measles?

246
00:13:49,696 --> 00:13:52,866
You might also give them
Diarrhea is shot if you are very worried.

247
00:13:54,001 --> 00:13:57,004
Diarrhea has a greater body number
than measles.

248
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:01,475
You know, diarrhea is funny today, but...

249
00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:05,245
one hundred years ago,
If your buttocks suffer from diarrhea,

250
00:14:05,312 --> 00:14:08,749
You are a loner
There is a zero chance of survival.

251
00:14:08,815 --> 00:14:11,018
You get the first spray.
Pfft!
Uh oh.

252
00:14:12,586 --> 00:14:14,521
"It's best to start my business in sequence.

253
00:14:15,656 --> 00:14:18,559
I don't have much time.
It's diarrhea.
It's very serious."

254
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:22,563
You just see your friend slowly die
in the pool of your own crap.

255
00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:24,765
Pfft!
"Oh, Oh.

256
00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:25,966
I give up, diarrhea."

257
00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:28,402
Pfffft!
"You're too strong."
Pfft!

258
00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:33,817
At this time, your friend will like,
"Do you have diarrhea?

259
00:14:33,841 --> 00:14:36,441
Just eat bananas, nigga.
Drink water.
Come on to the club.

260
00:14:37,211 --> 00:14:38,579
We can still call last. "

261
00:14:42,850 --> 00:14:44,418
A difficult time for black people.

262
00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:52,793
This is not the right time for black people.
You know what I'm talking about, right?

263
00:14:52,860 --> 00:14:55,195
The police kill us again. a set of circumstances,

264
00:14:57,831 --> 00:15:00,067
because we did it very well. chairs that have been occupied by Mexicans...

265
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:01,668
and I'm sure Arabs.

266
00:15:10,444 --> 00:15:14,748
And we, black Americans,

267
00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:18,385


268
00:15:18,452 --> 00:15:21,822


269
00:15:22,923 --> 00:15:24,625


270
00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:27,895


271
00:15:27,961 --> 00:15:30,364
want to say thank you both
for your sacrifice

272
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:31,732
and your struggle

273
00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:35,903
We need rest.

274
00:15:37,404 --> 00:15:39,306
We need a bad break.

275
00:15:41,908 --> 00:15:43,176
We all experience something,

276
00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:52,118
If you are an Arab and forget a backpack, you have about 20 minutes  before they send the robot
to blow your dirt up.

277
00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:55,489
Now ISIS is number one
on terrorist charts.

278
00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:06,934
And ISIS is very scary.

279
00:16:07,868 --> 00:16:11,271
Because if ISIS catches you, they will cut your head.

280
00:16:11,338 --> 00:16:15,042
That's what they do.
I have seen them do it on YouTube.

281
00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:18,412
That was terrible.
He looked directly at the camera and said,

282
00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:21,457


283
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:24,585
"Obama, I'm back."

284
00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:25,853
[swish]

285
00:16:25,919 --> 00:16:28,388
I see that nonsense, I say, "Oh, my God.

286
00:16:29,056 --> 00:16:30,123
Don't like it."

287
00:16:35,462 --> 00:16:38,265
How does this person cut people's heads
on Youtube?

288
00:16:38,332 --> 00:16:39,900
I can't even send pic dick,

289
00:16:39,967 --> 00:16:42,769
and this bastard
is decapitating people.

290
00:16:44,905 --> 00:16:46,840
I have to change my settings.

291
00:16:50,210 --> 00:16:53,814
You know, it's hard for everyone to do it.
But I think, it's harder than black people

292
00:16:53,881 --> 00:16:57,384
and harder than Arabs and Mexicans,
Do you know who is the worst?

293
00:16:57,451 --> 00:16:58,819
Black people are fat

294
00:17:06,260 --> 00:17:09,563
It's hard to understand white people,
But what I say is very true.

295
00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,599
Black fat people have a really rough path,

296
00:17:12,666 --> 00:17:14,668
because of all kinds
things to kill white people.

297
00:17:14,735 --> 00:17:16,846
But you know what kills more black people
than anything,

298
00:17:16,870 --> 00:17:18,305
more than just police and terrorism?

299
00:17:18,372 --> 00:17:21,875
Salt, nigga.
Salt table salt is normal.

300
00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:25,646
Here, white people
get Ebola drugs and bullshit,

301
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:28,315
and in the meantime,
I'm very curious.

302
00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:37,558
Look, honestly,
I will stop talking about it.

303
00:17:37,624 --> 00:17:40,294
Let me say this, though.
Let me just say it.

304
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:43,163
Can we all just say it
that we have seen it come?

305
00:17:43,230 --> 00:17:44,231
Are you surprised?

306
00:17:44,298 --> 00:17:46,178
It's like when the person throws the banana at me  Do you think I'm surprised?
No.

307
00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:49,269
I've been on a 30-year business event.
I expect this banana.

308
00:17:50,003 --> 00:17:53,740
I know one tonight...

309
00:17:54,842 --> 00:17:55,985
I'm like, "Someone will throw
bananas on me one night."

310
00:17:56,009 --> 00:17:58,849
Because that's how it started,
with a nickname

311
00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:04,785
Like that Paula Deen.
Remember Paula Deen
was fired from the Food Network?

312
00:18:05,586 --> 00:18:08,889
If you know about show business,

313
00:18:09,590 --> 00:18:11,230


314
00:18:11,258 --> 00:18:14,995
very difficult to fire
from the damn Food Network.

315
00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:18,599
And they drop the bitch
like hot potatoes

316
00:18:19,700 --> 00:18:24,671
All because he called someone in the words
30 years before he appeared.

317
00:18:24,738 --> 00:18:26,373
I don't know who he said,

318
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,342
but whoever it is
just looks at him like,

319
00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:30,110
"I'll catch you for this, bitch."

320
00:18:32,546 --> 00:18:35,716
That nonsense returns 30 years later
like rape Bill Cosby

321
00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:37,484
and sink the warship.

322
00:18:42,256 --> 00:18:45,826
And every black person is angry,
but we are not angry.

323
00:18:45,893 --> 00:18:48,896
That is more confusing
than it sucks.

324
00:18:49,530 --> 00:18:52,733
I'm just like, "Well, how's this bitch?
will call me Negro

325
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:56,270
when he taught me how to fry chicken?
That isn't fair."

326
00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:07,481
I think Donald Sterling's nonsense
is more serious

327
00:19:07,548 --> 00:19:09,983
Remember Donald Sterling?
He used to have the Clippers,

328
00:19:10,050 --> 00:19:13,720
and then he was caught
on recordings recorded quietly

329
00:19:13,787 --> 00:19:18,425
say some very disgusting things
about African-Americans

330
00:19:19,259 --> 00:19:21,261
And there is a lesson in that
for all of us.

331
00:19:22,496 --> 00:19:27,401
The lesson is if you are old and white and racist  in this great country,

332
00:19:27,467 --> 00:19:29,136
whatever you do...

333
00:19:29,203 --> 00:19:30,838


334
00:19:32,172 --> 00:19:36,210
Don't tell your black girlfriend
about that nonsense
Because...

335
00:19:38,979 --> 00:19:40,480
that is what makes the recording.

336
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:43,091
He records all that nonsense.
And the recording is terrible.

337
00:19:43,115 --> 00:19:47,586
He is like, "Stop bringing black people
to my game."

338
00:19:48,088 --> 00:19:49,299
Initially, we were all confused.

339
00:19:49,323 --> 00:19:51,725
"How will you have a game
without us?"

340
00:19:56,129 --> 00:19:59,132
But it turns out that the black
he talks about

341
00:19:59,199 --> 00:20:04,004
nothing but Magic Johnson,
billionaire!

342
00:20:04,071 --> 00:20:05,739
Extraordinary.

343
00:20:05,806 --> 00:20:09,409
Never even mentioned the fact
that he had AIDS,

344
00:20:09,476 --> 00:20:12,179
which is the first thing I will say
to my girlfriend

345
00:20:14,681 --> 00:20:19,086
This person must be very racist
if AIDS is a footnote

346
00:20:20,554 --> 00:20:23,557
"You have to be careful, baby.
He has old Ebola."

347
00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:34,500
[chuckles]

348
00:20:35,269 --> 00:20:38,272
You can say what you want about the girl,
But I will tell you right now

349
00:20:38,338 --> 00:20:41,275
he is a damn hero

350
00:20:42,576 --> 00:20:44,912
You might have thought
These things happened before,

351
00:20:44,978 --> 00:20:48,148
But now you can see everything in front of you
without a shadow of doubt.

352
00:20:48,215 --> 00:20:50,184
That nonsense really goes down.

353
00:20:51,151 --> 00:20:52,986
He sucked the old man's penis.

354
00:20:55,656 --> 00:20:57,958
He really took one for the team
on that one.

355
00:20:58,859 --> 00:21:01,762
It's very dirty.
His penis is, like, 80 years old.

356
00:21:02,429 --> 00:21:04,097
It's like tasting history.

357
00:21:05,799 --> 00:21:08,802
Like, five wars on it,
Civil Rights Movement,

358
00:21:08,869 --> 00:21:10,270
Great Depression.

359
00:21:11,839 --> 00:21:15,108
This person has been fucking for 40 years
before Bill Cosby's first rape.

360
00:21:15,175 --> 00:21:16,343
This is a very old person.

361
00:21:17,244 --> 00:21:18,712
Very old penis

362
00:21:22,816 --> 00:21:26,053
But all that is nonsense
still calling names.

363
00:21:26,119 --> 00:21:29,089
Like, unbroken nickname
modern black man.

364
00:21:29,156 --> 00:21:31,658
That won't do the trick.
I don't care about that.

365
00:21:34,995 --> 00:21:40,467
everyone behind the desk has
a Klu Ku Klux Klan above their heads,

366
00:21:40,534 --> 00:21:42,145
what do you think I will do
today?

367
00:21:42,169 --> 00:21:45,072
Running out of Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Not if I'm hungry.

368
00:21:47,274 --> 00:21:50,444
I will go straight ahead.
"Hey, man, let me take two pieces."

369
00:21:51,445 --> 00:21:52,813
I don't care what he says.

370
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:55,249
"Do you want biscuits with it, nigger?"

371
00:21:56,917 --> 00:21:59,419
"I think it comes with biscuits.
What are all these attitudes?

372
00:22:02,923 --> 00:22:05,826
I want two pieces.
Chop, cut
You know what it is."

373
00:22:07,461 --> 00:22:09,596
But I won't be angry.
Why am I crazy?

374
00:22:10,197 --> 00:22:13,267
He who has to work
at Kentucky Fried Chicken, not me.

375
00:22:20,541 --> 00:22:25,546
What about this?
What if I live in Austin
and I have a white girlfriend?

376
00:22:25,612 --> 00:22:26,747
Maybe in Austin.

377
00:22:26,813 --> 00:22:29,550
In fact,
some people say it's necessary

378
00:22:29,616 --> 00:22:31,185
But that's not the point.

379
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,889
And me and my white boyfriend
home one night,

380
00:22:35,956 --> 00:22:37,558
and we only do what lovers do.

381
00:22:37,624 --> 00:22:40,527
Maybe he is naked
and he falls on one knee,

382
00:22:40,594 --> 00:22:42,796
give me a hand job
I like good handwork.

383
00:22:42,863 --> 00:22:44,731
And he really jerked me.

384
00:22:44,798 --> 00:22:47,234
You know,
makes it obliques good and tight.

385
00:22:47,301 --> 00:22:49,102
I have a big penis, so she's like...

386
00:22:49,169 --> 00:22:50,604
[snoring]

387
00:22:52,172 --> 00:22:55,375
And I'm like, "Wow, this really feels good

388
00:22:55,442 --> 00:22:57,845
I thought I'd come."

389
00:22:57,911 --> 00:23:00,781
And then he looked at me and left,
"Come to my face...

390
00:23:01,448 --> 00:23:02,549
Negroes."

391
00:23:04,785 --> 00:23:06,086
I know, that's difficult.

392
00:23:08,055 --> 00:23:10,357
Well, what do you think I will do?
"Hey!"

393
00:23:16,864 --> 00:23:18,741
There is no time for integrity,
women and men.

394
00:23:18,765 --> 00:23:21,168
I wiped the bean on his face.

395
00:23:22,870 --> 00:23:24,671
I will describe the ethics later.

396
00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:29,076
But I am what they call someone who comes from his words.

397
00:23:29,142 --> 00:23:31,011
If I say I come, I will come.

398
00:23:32,412 --> 00:23:34,691
I don't care what happens.
God forbids, someone can shoot me.

399
00:23:34,715 --> 00:23:36,326
If I say I'm coming, there are still...

400
00:23:36,350 --> 00:23:37,351
[imitating shot]

401
00:23:43,156 --> 00:23:45,259
Not that I like being shot.

402
00:23:54,535 --> 00:23:58,238
Oh Boy.
Yes, a difficult time for black people.

403
00:23:59,740 --> 00:24:01,542
I will not say anything
about police

404
00:24:01,608 --> 00:24:03,443
I will leave it for Chris Rock.

405
00:24:08,348 --> 00:24:11,852
Other great sports stories
are, damn, Ray Rice ribbon.

406
00:24:11,919 --> 00:24:14,121
Has anyone seen Ray Rice's recording?

407
00:24:18,425 --> 00:24:20,761
I can't stop watching it.

408
00:24:23,130 --> 00:24:24,131
This is terrible.

409
00:24:24,198 --> 00:24:26,934
This is the cruelest thing
I've seen happen to a woman

410
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:28,635
who is shot in color.

411
00:24:30,070 --> 00:24:32,840
Really damn bad
If I can freeze the time at that time

412
00:24:32,906 --> 00:24:34,641
and give Ray Rice some suggestions,

413
00:24:34,708 --> 00:24:37,211
I don't think there is a possible way
I will be like...

414
00:24:37,911 --> 00:24:39,580
"You have to hit his face."

415
00:24:41,381 --> 00:24:42,983
That's a terrible idea.

416
00:24:44,384 --> 00:24:47,321
At the same time, I also believe
He should not be in a hurry.

417
00:24:48,655 --> 00:24:50,624
What's up
You can't beat it.

418
00:24:50,691 --> 00:24:54,995
Don't rush a trained bastard
to stiff people in the clutch.

419
00:24:55,996 --> 00:24:57,531
He will be in the wind.

420
00:25:02,202 --> 00:25:05,939
The only reason I bring it is because
he will play football again  You don't know that
NFL is told by a federal judge

421
00:25:07,241 --> 00:25:11,778
they must return Ray Rice

422
00:25:11,845 --> 00:25:13,714
because he is transparent
with their investigation

423
00:25:13,780 --> 00:25:17,818


424
00:25:17,885 --> 00:25:20,487
He told them what he did.

425
00:25:20,554 --> 00:25:24,057
And they can't just change their decision
just because the tape came out.

426
00:25:24,124 --> 00:25:27,027
I understand.
It's like if I hang out
with my friends, and I like it,

427
00:25:27,094 --> 00:25:28,694
"Hey, guess what I did last night?

428
00:25:28,729 --> 00:25:30,831
I slept with the big and fat girl I met
at the club."

429
00:25:30,898 --> 00:25:33,667
And they're all like,
"Oh, damn, Dave, that's crazy."

430
00:25:36,436 --> 00:25:39,273
And then they see the recording I do it,
and they are like...

431
00:25:42,209 --> 00:25:44,611
"We can't hang out with you anymore, Dave.

432
00:25:45,612 --> 00:25:47,481
It's not this crew."

433
00:25:48,815 --> 00:25:50,784
I will like, "What?
I say what I do.

434
00:25:54,154 --> 00:25:57,858
What really messed up was that the tape was made before they got married.  Isn't that weird?

435
00:25:58,492 --> 00:25:59,593
I don't even know why he will do that.

436
00:26:00,527 --> 00:26:02,705
As a man,
do you want to stay with a woman

437
00:26:02,729 --> 00:26:05,432
who you ever boxed on your face
with all your strength? Purple-type shit.

438
00:26:05,499 --> 00:26:09,036
"Celie Come here and shave me!"

439
00:26:10,204 --> 00:26:12,739
Are you out of your damn mind?

440
00:26:12,806 --> 00:26:15,342


441
00:26:23,483 --> 00:26:24,803


442
00:26:30,923 --> 00:26:33,503
I have to ask an old friend,
just to get some perspective,

443
00:26:33,527 --> 00:26:34,695
This older black man.

444
00:26:35,661 --> 00:26:38,697
Actually the most beautiful person I've ever met.
And I asked him.

445
00:26:38,764 --> 00:26:42,868
I just said, "Hey, man,
Do you see Ray Rice's video?"

446
00:26:42,936 --> 00:26:46,073
And immediately, he was like,
"David, that nonsense is disgusting."

447
00:26:47,140 --> 00:26:49,376
And then a few moments later, he left...

448
00:26:51,345 --> 00:26:53,146
"I want to know what he said to him."

449
00:26:58,819 --> 00:27:00,554
I don't think it's important.

450
00:27:01,488 --> 00:27:04,048
I think the idea is that you should not
to hit his face.

451
00:27:04,958 --> 00:27:06,860
Because my wife says nonsense to me.

452
00:27:06,927 --> 00:27:09,763
My wife once called me a pussy...

453
00:27:10,931 --> 00:27:12,733
in front of dinner guests

454
00:27:15,002 --> 00:27:17,704
I know.
I'm getting angry,
but then I'm like,

455
00:27:17,771 --> 00:27:19,373
"Damn, he might be right."

456
00:27:23,477 --> 00:27:25,445
I'm pus.
I admit it.

457
00:27:26,613 --> 00:27:30,350
I am gentle and warm and persuasive,
like real pussy.

458
00:27:32,319 --> 00:27:33,320
Right.

459
00:27:37,024 --> 00:27:40,093
Then I told him, "If you are not careful
from me is right,

460
00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:42,162
I might smell foul, like your vagina."

461
00:27:42,229 --> 00:27:44,031
[crowd] Ohh!

462
00:27:44,765 --> 00:27:46,800
Oh, we fight dirty
in the Chappelle household.

463
00:27:46,867 --> 00:27:48,235
That's not a big problem.

464
00:27:51,071 --> 00:27:54,241
No no.
If you want to get to the bottom
from liver problems,

465
00:27:54,308 --> 00:27:56,376
what should you do
ask a woman

466
00:27:56,443 --> 00:27:58,679
Now, actually, there are two women I know...

467
00:27:58,745 --> 00:28:01,715
They are both college professors
In this small area where I live,

468
00:28:01,782 --> 00:28:04,117
and I meet them twice a week
at Starbucks for coffee

469
00:28:04,184 --> 00:28:06,320
We talk about important nonsense.

470
00:28:08,689 --> 00:28:10,433
And I ask the girls...
We are drinking klatch coffee.

471
00:28:10,457 --> 00:28:13,794
I said, "Yo, why do you think?
that this woman lives with Ray Rice

472
00:28:14,695 --> 00:28:17,297
After she punches her face
with all her strength?"

473
00:28:20,734 --> 00:28:24,137
And one of my girlfriends said,
"David, you need to wake up.

474
00:28:25,038 --> 00:28:26,740
He is looking for money."

475
00:28:27,908 --> 00:28:30,410
Now, wait a minute,
Because my other girlfriend likes,

476
00:28:30,477 --> 00:28:34,481
"I don't agree. I think he really loves her."

477
00:28:35,415 --> 00:28:37,375
And I said, "Wait a minute, ladies.
Do you know what?

478
00:28:37,417 --> 00:28:39,686
I think you're both right."

479
00:28:40,888 --> 00:28:45,292
And what I did when I said that
was to preserve the possibility of

480
00:28:45,359 --> 00:28:47,327
from the three with this bastard.

481
00:28:50,330 --> 00:28:52,032
I got rid of this vagina

482
00:28:52,099 --> 00:28:54,568
one cup of coffee at once
for, like, four years.

483
00:28:54,635 --> 00:28:58,305
I won't throw that hard work
with some pesky Ray Rice.

484
00:28:58,372 --> 00:28:59,840
I don't care much.

485
00:29:05,846 --> 00:29:07,080
I just became real.

486
00:29:08,148 --> 00:29:09,959
This is messy, man.
This is a difficult time for black people.

487
00:29:09,983 --> 00:29:12,319
- [man] I love you, Dave!
- I love you too.

488
00:29:12,386 --> 00:29:15,055
And then this is the banana skin.
I wait there every second.

489
00:29:16,190 --> 00:29:17,858
You know that's how it started.

490
00:29:20,194 --> 00:29:24,698
I saw in today's paper
that the person who threw a banana at me

491
00:29:24,765 --> 00:29:27,000
arrested again
Because he threw bananas

492
00:29:27,067 --> 00:29:29,603
in another bastard in a bar
in Santa Fe.

493
00:29:29,670 --> 00:29:32,072
Look online after the show.
He really did that.

494
00:29:32,139 --> 00:29:34,808
And that person is also black.
I just said

495
00:29:36,543 --> 00:29:38,354
And you know why the man said
he did it that night

496
00:29:38,378 --> 00:29:41,014
He said, "I did it
Because Dave Chappelle was racist."

497
00:29:41,081 --> 00:29:45,219
So, nigga?
That is not the best way
to deal with it if I am racist.

498
00:29:45,953 --> 00:29:47,564
What if Martin Luther King
just goes around

499
00:29:47,588 --> 00:29:50,324
throwing tuna casseroles at white people?
Does it work?

500
00:29:53,293 --> 00:29:54,661
[woman shouting]

501
00:29:54,728 --> 00:29:56,597
- Huh?
- Come on, Dave!

502
00:29:56,663 --> 00:29:59,266
Gadismu is bubbling.
She's so drunk, friend.

503
00:30:00,634 --> 00:30:02,603
Look, sir,
I don't know what he said,

504
00:30:02,669 --> 00:30:04,905
but just take my advice
Get water on it,

505
00:30:04,972 --> 00:30:07,341
or you will have some vaginal dryness
when you go home.

506
00:30:16,083 --> 00:30:18,852
The penis will become
put it to sleep tomorrow tomorrow  Santa Maria.
Who smokes here?
Do anyone have cigarettes that I can borrow?

507
00:30:21,054 --> 00:30:24,324
Yes.
You, friend
Yes, please

508
00:30:25,659 --> 00:30:28,161
[crowd] Ohh!

509
00:30:29,029 --> 00:30:30,631
Let me see.
This is Marlboro menthol.
This can be anyone.

510
00:30:31,798 --> 00:30:36,236
If it's Newport, I will like,
"A black man threw it up."

511
00:30:37,838 --> 00:30:39,682
But Marlboro menthol,
That is one of the puzzles.

512
00:30:39,706 --> 00:30:42,910
Oh

513
00:30:49,283 --> 00:30:50,284
[crowd cheering]

514
00:30:51,718 --> 00:30:53,620
Is the word "pussy" offensive?

515
00:30:57,124 --> 00:30:58,759
[crowd] No!

516
00:30:58,825 --> 00:31:00,561


517
00:31:02,095 --> 00:31:04,731
OK, just check it, just check it.

518
00:31:05,899 --> 00:31:09,570
I asked people when I was in Denver,
"Is the word 'pussy' offensive?"

519
00:31:09,636 --> 00:31:12,739
And the whole crowd said no,
except two people.

520
00:31:12,806 --> 00:31:17,811
One of them is a woman in front,
older than me, maybe my age.

521
00:31:18,579 --> 00:31:21,882
Obviously a feminist.
You know what I mean.

522
00:31:21,949 --> 00:31:24,117
Short haircuts, plaid shirts.
You know what I'm saying

523
00:31:26,687 --> 00:31:29,556
And he didn't say it offended him.
What he said was, he said,

524
00:31:29,623 --> 00:31:31,692
"I feel uncomfortable with that word."

525
00:31:31,758 --> 00:31:33,961
And I'm like, "Really? You?"

526
00:31:36,797 --> 00:31:40,033
And before I could ask why,
there was one person on the balcony...

527
00:31:40,100 --> 00:31:42,436
I don't think he said this to me,
But he said this.

528
00:31:42,503 --> 00:31:45,939
Everyone hears it saying it.
He said, "This is delicious."

529
00:31:46,006 --> 00:31:47,040
I'm like, "What?"

530
00:31:52,579 --> 00:31:56,250
I don't think I've heard pussy
called delicious before in my life.

531
00:31:56,316 --> 00:31:58,685
Now, this is not to say that it's bad.

532
00:31:59,753 --> 00:32:01,989
But it must be the taste that is obtained.

533
00:32:04,024 --> 00:32:06,336
I don't think one of us
feels our pussy first like...

534
00:32:06,360 --> 00:32:07,895
[lips hit]

535
00:32:07,961 --> 00:32:09,830
"Mmm, that's great!"

536
00:32:12,432 --> 00:32:13,634
Need something.

537
00:32:19,573 --> 00:32:22,876
You know, it's illegal for gynecologists
to say the word "pussy."

538
00:32:24,044 --> 00:32:25,379
They can only say "vagina"  or they can medically name each part
_,

539
00:32:25,445 --> 00:32:27,781
but they can never say shorthand,
Even if the gynecologist is a woman.

540
00:32:27,848 --> 00:32:31,418
I feel like that
a female gynecologist, that's cool.

541
00:32:31,952 --> 00:32:33,663
Like, "Am I okay?"
He's like, "Girl, the pussy is..."

542
00:32:33,687 --> 00:32:35,732
[click tongue]

543
00:32:35,756 --> 00:32:36,757
He will be like, "Yes."

544
00:32:36,823 --> 00:32:39,393
I don't think men should be permitted
to become gynecologists

545
00:32:42,394 --> 00:32:45,130
That nonsense is a conflict of interest.

546
00:32:46,266 --> 00:32:48,435


547
00:32:51,505 --> 00:32:54,641
Even when my wife is pregnant,
we usually go to gynecologists...

548
00:32:54,708 --> 00:32:56,076
[chuckles]

549
00:32:57,511 --> 00:32:59,947
and he lifts his leg
in stirrups like this.

550
00:33:00,013 --> 00:33:02,225
He will be like, "Okay, Mrs. Chappelle,
just try to relax."

551
00:33:02,249 --> 00:33:03,927
I will push it.
"Back up, motherfucker! I have this.

552
00:33:03,951 --> 00:33:05,519
Just say what to look for."

553
00:33:13,427 --> 00:33:15,429
One of the homestyle checks.

554
00:33:17,164 --> 00:33:19,142
Too many ethical questions
when men do that

555
00:33:19,166 --> 00:33:22,269
Like, can a gynecologist
lose their license...

556
00:33:23,670 --> 00:33:25,772
to kiss their fingers during the exam?

557
00:33:25,839 --> 00:33:27,574
Is that illegal?

558
00:33:30,075 --> 00:33:32,077
How not?
This is a man.

559
00:33:33,981 --> 00:33:36,701
It's like if you have a good barbeque,
You don't even think about it.

560
00:33:36,750 --> 00:33:37,751
You are only...

561
00:33:44,658 --> 00:33:48,695
The word "pussy" only offends
if you are older

562
00:33:48,762 --> 00:33:51,265
People my age and younger,
I don't think we even...

563
00:33:51,331 --> 00:33:52,900
We dance with that nonsense.

564
00:33:54,401 --> 00:33:56,570
The song is present on the radio...
♪ I hit her pussy ♪

565
00:33:56,637 --> 00:33:58,805
It is on the radio.
♪ I hit her pussy ♪

566
00:33:58,872 --> 00:34:00,574
That's a pretty loud song.

567
00:34:01,942 --> 00:34:05,078
It's not like a love song.
There are no traces of tears,

568
00:34:05,145 --> 00:34:06,813
there is no midnight train to Georgia.

569
00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:11,618
This man just hit pussy up.

570
00:34:11,685 --> 00:34:14,521
Extraordinary.

571
00:34:15,222 --> 00:34:17,000
You don't even know
If she has sex with these women.

572
00:34:17,024 --> 00:34:19,693
They might pull their pants down.
He will be like, pow!

573
00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:20,928
"Unit G!"

574
00:34:25,732 --> 00:34:27,201
You will watch HBO.

575
00:34:27,267 --> 00:34:30,204
"Hi, I'm Larry Merchant,
stand here ringside with pussy

576
00:34:30,270 --> 00:34:32,472
After a devastating battle with 50 Cent.

577
00:34:32,539 --> 00:34:35,108
Pussy, come here
and let me talk to you for a moment. terrible.
Your lips look swollen.

578
00:34:35,175 --> 00:34:37,678
You bleed a little.

579
00:34:37,744 --> 00:34:39,112
Tell me, pussy, what happens in
the ring with 50? "

580
00:34:39,179 --> 00:34:42,382
[panting]

581
00:34:42,449 --> 00:34:43,450


582
00:34:43,517 --> 00:34:45,528
"I don't know, Larry.
I feel very good in the first half.

583
00:34:45,552 --> 00:34:46,653
I'm ready to fight.

584
00:34:47,821 --> 00:34:49,590
I'm warm and moist, and...

585
00:34:51,091 --> 00:34:53,493
I don't know
He just hit me
from the angle I didn't expect.

586
00:34:53,560 --> 00:34:57,264
Front left.
The back most shocked me. "

587
00:34:59,366 --> 00:35:00,977
"Well, pussy,
let's look at four rounds.

588
00:35:01,001 --> 00:35:02,903
This is where everything is right for you.

589
00:35:03,837 --> 00:35:06,182
This is where you come out of your corner, pussy.
You fight very well with right and left,

590
00:35:06,206 --> 00:35:08,084
but then 50 slips you are a prick.
And there.
There.
There.
You see it?

591
00:35:08,108 --> 00:35:11,278


592
00:35:11,345 --> 00:35:13,146
He hits you right on that...

593
00:35:13,213 --> 00:35:15,291
The little bean thing
You have on the top of your head.

594
00:35:15,315 --> 00:35:16,550
I don't know what that is.

595
00:35:18,051 --> 00:35:20,420
There are 50 just pounding away
in the nut, over and over.

596
00:35:20,487 --> 00:35:23,323
Now, pussy, tell me,
what happened through the mind of a fighter

597
00:35:23,390 --> 00:35:26,360
When their beans are surrounded
like that? "

598
00:35:28,462 --> 00:35:29,873
" I don't think
I'm thinking of something, Larry.

599
00:35:29,897 --> 00:35:32,466
I am a true defensive fighter.
It's hard to approach me.

600
00:35:33,767 --> 00:35:36,170
I have never been hit directly
on my previous bean

601
00:35:37,638 --> 00:35:41,074
Actually, most
fighters don't even know that the bean is there.

602
00:35:42,609 --> 00:35:44,721
I think he hit me,
Then I lost control of my feet.

603
00:35:44,745 --> 00:35:46,185
I don't know what else to say. "

604
00:35:49,950 --> 00:35:52,719
I like it when Lil Wayne talks about pussy,
because he...

605
00:35:52,786 --> 00:35:55,355
Remember Lil Wayne used to have that song?
He said,

606
00:35:55,422 --> 00:35:57,891
" ♪ I have a bitch playing movies
In my Jacuzzi " ♪

607
00:35:57,958 --> 00:35:59,359
Then he goes like this:

608
00:36:00,260 --> 00:36:01,595
"♪ Pussy juicy ♪"

609
00:36:05,132 --> 00:36:07,968
That nonsense
Damn it always makes me laugh.

610
00:36:08,035 --> 00:36:11,738
There is no man who says that.
Only Lil Wayne says nonsense like that.

611
00:36:11,805 --> 00:36:13,516
If you are fucking a girl,
and she is like, "is this a good pussy?"

612
00:36:13,540 --> 00:36:15,609
And you're like,
"Yeah, it's juicy, good."

613
00:36:16,910 --> 00:36:18,278
The vagina is runny.

614
00:36:19,513 --> 00:36:22,916
That's why I'm not Lil Wayne.
Because if I'm in the hot tub with a girl,

615
00:36:22,983 --> 00:36:28,956
and I know that the vagina is runny
While I was in the hot tub,

616
00:36:29,957 --> 00:36:31,592
I might come out of the bathtub.

617
00:36:33,327 --> 00:36:34,728
I am a human germ.

618
00:36:36,263 --> 00:36:37,831
I just imagined Lil Wayne was like...

619
00:36:39,199 --> 00:36:40,901
"Is this strange oil...

620
00:36:43,036 --> 00:36:45,205
floating in my hot tub?

621
00:36:47,207 --> 00:36:48,775
This is vaginal juice."

622
00:36:51,044 --> 00:36:52,479
Damn it is very funny to me,

623
00:36:52,546 --> 00:36:55,782
I must have written, like,
no less than 40 jokes

624
00:36:55,849 --> 00:36:57,651
with a punch line "pussy juice,"

625
00:36:58,785 --> 00:37:02,256
and everything works to a certain level
100% of the time.

626
00:37:03,490 --> 00:37:05,626
I will do one more so you trust me.
Good.

627
00:37:07,528 --> 00:37:10,364
OK.
In the next section,

628
00:37:12,099 --> 00:37:14,334
This is a special episode of CSI.

629
00:37:15,769 --> 00:37:18,805
For some reason,
Star Lil Wayne starred in

630
00:37:19,606 --> 00:37:21,909
as the main detective.
Good?

631
00:37:21,975 --> 00:37:25,179
It's setup.
Are you ready?
This is it.

632
00:37:27,414 --> 00:37:29,917
"Are there other people?
at this crime scene?"

633
00:37:31,818 --> 00:37:32,819
"No."

634
00:37:35,155 --> 00:37:36,757
"This is very strange.

635
00:37:38,425 --> 00:37:41,828
This place is almost uninterrupted.
No forced entry

636
00:37:42,663 --> 00:37:44,631
There are no signs of struggle.

637
00:37:47,935 --> 00:37:50,013
Shine your flashlight here.
I just slipped in something.

638
00:37:50,037 --> 00:37:51,305
What is this?

639
00:37:55,175 --> 00:37:56,743
What is this?

640
00:37:57,544 --> 00:37:59,479
This sparkles in the light.

641
00:38:02,749 --> 00:38:04,651
Smooth to touch.

642
00:38:11,258 --> 00:38:13,026
This is vaginal juice.

643
00:38:20,567 --> 00:38:22,936
He must have sat in Indian style. "

644
00:38:24,805 --> 00:38:26,440
Thirty-nine more from where it came from.

645
00:38:32,312 --> 00:38:34,114
Everyone is angry about something. I don't have a problem with gay people,
but I fucking hate bloggers.

646
00:38:36,016 --> 00:38:38,552
I'm not saying it
Because this person is gay.

647
00:38:38,619 --> 00:38:40,120


648
00:38:42,890 --> 00:38:46,527


649
00:38:50,464 --> 00:38:52,208


650
00:38:52,232 --> 00:38:56,203
They only act like bitch girls.
They wrongly characterize my joke,

651
00:38:56,270 --> 00:38:59,039
try to make a point off from me,
when it's really like...

652
00:38:59,106 --> 00:39:01,875
"Yo, I'm your ally, bastard.
I'm not trying to stop gay people.

653
00:39:01,942 --> 00:39:03,377
I have to do better."

654
00:39:03,443 --> 00:39:06,580
This bastard says something,
tries to make gay people beat me.

655
00:39:08,348 --> 00:39:09,449
Seriously, he's like...

656
00:39:09,516 --> 00:39:11,094
[effeminate voice]
"Dave Chappelle's joke..."

657
00:39:11,118 --> 00:39:13,678
I don't know how he speaks.
I just made his voice go up.

658
00:39:16,924 --> 00:39:22,095
"Dave Chappelle's joke is an insult to the maturity of all gay men."

659
00:39:22,162 --> 00:39:24,131
What does that mean?

660
00:39:24,198 --> 00:39:27,968
I don't say anything that will offend
For gay men not men.

661
00:39:28,035 --> 00:39:29,570
I know you are a boy.

662
00:39:29,636 --> 00:39:35,342
Actually, what can be simpler
than to fucking another guy in the ass?

663
00:39:37,211 --> 00:39:40,547
This is the most gangster nonsense
I've heard in my life.

664
00:39:42,049 --> 00:39:44,518
I told you, I'm not suitable for that.
I'm pus.

665
00:39:47,518 --> 00:39:49,888
Do you know what I say?
This is all I say.

666
00:39:49,957 --> 00:39:52,025
First of all,
I will tell you now what I say,

667
00:39:52,092 --> 00:39:55,529
and I will say that this is not a joke.
This is a true story,

668
00:39:55,596 --> 00:39:57,231
and I happen to tell it.

669
00:39:57,297 --> 00:40:00,501
What happened is,
I went to a gallery party, okay?

670
00:40:00,567 --> 00:40:02,903
I don't know who is here
ever been rich before,

671
00:40:02,970 --> 00:40:04,705
But this is a very good party.

672
00:40:05,606 --> 00:40:08,375
You know, wine and cheese
and baller conversation.

673
00:40:10,277 --> 00:40:12,246
And there are several eccentric types,

674
00:40:12,312 --> 00:40:16,149
one of them is a very rich person
who happens to wear a dress.

675
00:40:16,216 --> 00:40:19,887
I don't know what you are calling him.
A tranny, or queen drags as possible.

676
00:40:19,953 --> 00:40:22,422
Whatever he is, he really is a man.

677
00:40:23,690 --> 00:40:26,760
And this man must be using drugs.

678
00:40:26,827 --> 00:40:30,297
I don't know what medicine he uses,
But I know he is too much.

679
00:40:30,364 --> 00:40:33,133
He doesn't look good.
He is like this.
[groans]

680
00:40:33,200 --> 00:40:35,903
He looks sick, and all his friends
stand around him,

681
00:40:35,969 --> 00:40:37,938
concerned, trying to revive it.

682
00:40:38,005 --> 00:40:40,165
I don't know what, it looks like a kind of gay CPR.

683
00:40:40,207 --> 00:40:41,927
There is a fanning and a bad luck.
They are like...

684
00:40:48,048 --> 00:40:49,783
I see all this from a distance.

685
00:40:49,850 --> 00:40:52,252
Now, I have to think about my own business,
but I'm curious.

686
00:40:52,319 --> 00:40:53,320
I'm like...

687
00:40:56,056 --> 00:40:59,493
And I go there.
What I say, "Excuse me, gentlemen.

688
00:40:59,560 --> 00:41:00,928
Is he alright?"

689
00:41:00,994 --> 00:41:02,996
Then they look at me like I'm evil.

690
00:41:05,866 --> 00:41:08,068
"He's fine."

691
00:41:10,170 --> 00:41:11,638
I say, "Word?

692
00:41:13,006 --> 00:41:15,086
I'm sorry.
I don't know
This is what we are doing."

693
00:41:17,511 --> 00:41:18,879
This is my thing.

694
00:41:19,978 --> 00:41:22,647
I support anyone

695
00:41:22,714 --> 00:41:25,350
to be anyone
they feel like they are inside.

696
00:41:25,419 --> 00:41:26,820
I am your ally in that matter.

697
00:41:27,521 --> 00:41:28,689
But...

698
00:41:30,023 --> 00:41:31,491
my question is...

699
00:41:32,759 --> 00:41:37,297
to what extent do I have to participate
in your self-image?

700
00:41:38,198 --> 00:41:42,169
Is it fair that I have to change my whole?
game pronouns for this bastard?

701
00:41:42,236 --> 00:41:43,237
That doesn't make sense.

702
00:41:46,607 --> 00:41:47,808
Seriously.

703
00:41:48,842 --> 00:41:50,477
If I wear an argyle sweater,

704
00:41:50,544 --> 00:41:52,822
and I like, "Hey, everyone,
I feel like a white person in this sweater,

705
00:41:52,846 --> 00:41:54,948
and I want some respect
and bank loans,"

706
00:41:55,015 --> 00:41:56,350
it won't work

707
00:41:57,384 --> 00:41:59,863
You don't care what I feel.
Why do I have to tell how you feel?

708
00:41:59,887 --> 00:42:01,355
"Nigger" is a pronoun.

709
00:42:03,457 --> 00:42:05,325
But there is no time
for philosophical debate

710
00:42:05,392 --> 00:42:06,960
This is an emergency situation.

711
00:42:07,794 --> 00:42:11,131
I say, "Fine, I'm sorry, friend.
I'm just worried because...

712
00:42:12,466 --> 00:42:13,967
Because he looks terrible.

713
00:42:15,969 --> 00:42:18,005
And he falls off the bench. .

714
00:42:19,373 --> 00:42:21,909


715
00:42:24,711 --> 00:42:26,089
Do you mind if I call an ambulance, champ?

716
00:42:26,113 --> 00:42:28,115
I prefer not to go to parties
where OD tranny is.

717
00:42:28,182 --> 00:42:29,983
Too many questions must be answered. "

718
00:42:43,096 --> 00:42:44,698
Okay, I've experienced this before.

719
00:42:44,765 --> 00:42:46,700
I have a friend from high school.
He is a wild man.
The first person was very scared of him.

720
00:42:46,767 --> 00:42:51,371
And then after high school,

721
00:42:51,438 --> 00:42:54,608
the word on the street
He has come out of the closet. he was because last year,
he called me suddenly,

722
00:42:54,675 --> 00:42:56,276


723
00:42:56,343 --> 00:42:59,079


724
00:42:59,146 --> 00:43:00,681


725
00:43:01,515 --> 00:43:04,952


726
00:43:05,018 --> 00:43:07,454
like, "Yo, what's wrong, man?
I got your number from so-and-so.  I'm like, "Fuck,
You can get some tickets.
How are you?"

727
00:43:07,521 --> 00:43:10,099
He said, "We will follow on the show,
but I appreciate that
See you later."

728
00:43:10,123 --> 00:43:12,368
I say, "Okay, man, be careful."
I want to hang up,

729
00:43:12,392 --> 00:43:16,263
but I can't stand it.
I'm like,

730
00:43:16,330 --> 00:43:18,608
"Hey, nigga, I heard you're gay.
What happened to that?"

731
00:43:18,632 --> 00:43:20,601
And I hope I don't ask.

732
00:43:20,667 --> 00:43:23,136


733
00:43:29,376 --> 00:43:30,911


734
00:43:31,678 --> 00:43:34,147
Because he sounds like he's dying
to talk about that bullshit,

735
00:43:34,214 --> 00:43:36,283
and he has a long story about it.

736
00:43:36,350 --> 00:43:40,621
It's not that I don't care, but I...
I don't like talking on the phone.

737
00:43:40,687 --> 00:43:42,789
I was watching TV at the same time.

738
00:43:43,624 --> 00:43:45,959
So, I just don't really pay attention to
as it should

739
00:43:46,026 --> 00:43:48,571
I try to sound supportive,
but I don't know what to say.

740
00:43:48,595 --> 00:43:50,998
So, I just mumbled and shit
throughout this conversation

741
00:43:51,064 --> 00:43:54,134
I'm like, "Okay, you know, nigga,
you're gay, man
You're just gay

742
00:43:54,201 --> 00:43:55,369
Come on, man."

743
00:44:00,140 --> 00:44:01,575
This lasts a little.

744
00:44:01,642 --> 00:44:05,012
Then finally, I have to say something
You can definitely get it out of the phone.

745
00:44:05,078 --> 00:44:09,216
And I'm like, "Hey, what do you know?
Don't let people drop you, okay?

746
00:44:09,283 --> 00:44:11,963
And next time someone tries
to make you feel bad about yourself,

747
00:44:12,019 --> 00:44:15,055
Remember:
Everyone is funny with someone. "

748
00:44:21,061 --> 00:44:22,296
He doesn't like that nonsense.

749
00:44:23,363 --> 00:44:25,632
He said, "What do you mean?"
I said, "Huh?"

750
00:44:25,699 --> 00:44:27,377
He said, "You said I was funny,
bastard?"

751
00:44:27,401 --> 00:44:29,712
I said, "No, that's not what I said.
I say everyone is different."

752
00:44:29,736 --> 00:44:32,206
He said, "You don't say 'different'.
You say 'funny'.

753
00:44:32,272 --> 00:44:34,341
What is so funny?
about the way I make love?"

754
00:44:34,408 --> 00:44:36,977
And I said, "Hey, man, I fuck my feet."

755
00:44:37,044 --> 00:44:38,312
He said, "What ?!"

756
00:44:40,080 --> 00:44:42,015
Oh, this isn't a joke,
women and men.

757
00:44:42,082 --> 00:44:44,918
I make women squeeze their legs together
like this,

758
00:44:44,985 --> 00:44:47,621
and I fuck them right
in a small place on their feet.

759
00:44:51,024 --> 00:44:53,427
But you can't build a community
behind that bullshit

760
00:44:55,495 --> 00:44:57,564
There is no flag for us.

761
00:45:01,535 --> 00:45:03,270
Damn it makes him laugh.

762
00:45:04,738 --> 00:45:05,939
The next day,

763
00:45:07,007 --> 00:45:08,742
After the show, I saw him backstage.

764
00:45:08,809 --> 00:45:11,488
He is like, "What's wrong, man?
I'm like," Oh, damn it! What happened? "

765
00:45:11,512 --> 00:45:14,381
He has friends with him.
He said," Dave, I want you to meet Manuel.

766
00:45:14,448 --> 00:45:17,584
Manuel is my fiance
We in New York
get married because it's legal here. "

767
00:45:17,651 --> 00:45:22,089
I say," Oh.
Alright, congratulations, fellas. "

768
00:45:22,856 --> 00:45:24,491
And Manuel is like," Gracias. "

769
00:45:24,558 --> 00:45:26,293
And he goes to go drinking,

770
00:45:26,360 --> 00:45:29,062
and then my friend looks at me.
He's like," So, Dave...

771
00:45:30,097 --> 00:45:31,298
what do you think? "

772
00:45:33,400 --> 00:45:35,102
And I started muttering again.

773
00:45:35,169 --> 00:45:37,638
"Well, you're gay, nigga.
You know, you're just gay."

774
00:45:40,374 --> 00:45:42,652
He said, "I'm a little nervous
about getting married, man

775
00:45:42,676 --> 00:45:43,810
This is a big step."

776
00:45:43,877 --> 00:45:45,479
I said, "Yes, that. This is a big step."

777
00:45:46,280 --> 00:45:48,348
He said,
"You have been married for a while.

778
00:45:49,082 --> 00:45:50,684
Do you have any suggestions for us?"

779
00:45:52,352 --> 00:45:54,788
"No, I'm married to a woman.
Sorry about that."

780
00:45:56,657 --> 00:46:01,061
And he corrects me.
He said,
"No, you married someone you love,

781
00:46:01,128 --> 00:46:02,963
to be basically the same."

782
00:46:04,097 --> 00:46:06,867
I say, "You know, man,
the problem with that statement

783
00:46:06,934 --> 00:46:09,636
is that it makes assumptions
that I love it
But... "

784
00:46:14,708 --> 00:46:17,811
Will you ease things?
Of course I love my wife.

785
00:46:19,246 --> 00:46:20,380
He laughs at this nonsense.

786
00:46:20,447 --> 00:46:22,516
In fact,
He eats and spend this nonsense.

787
00:46:24,952 --> 00:46:27,955
No, I told him, I said,
"You know what you have to do, man?

788
00:46:28,021 --> 00:46:30,524
First of all, you shouldn't do it. "

789
00:46:31,658 --> 00:46:33,260
I'm talking about being legally married.

790
00:46:33,327 --> 00:46:36,396
Not that you are gay
as much as just legal marriage

791
00:46:36,463 --> 00:46:39,967
is a game of cruel, damn leverage
in the United States.

792
00:46:40,033 --> 00:46:41,635
I'm just being honest.

793
00:46:41,702 --> 00:46:44,738
Without having religious meaning
or the idea of love,

794
00:46:44,805 --> 00:46:48,041
Marriage is just a terrible contract
that you should not sign.

795
00:46:51,211 --> 00:46:52,513
I just became real.

796
00:46:55,082 --> 00:46:56,884
Because you start loving each other.

797
00:46:56,950 --> 00:46:59,953
Then two years later, you only
build a case against each other...

798
00:47:01,054 --> 00:47:04,124
for hypothetical court dates
that may or may never occur.

799
00:47:06,293 --> 00:47:09,463
You throw into being gay on top of that,
that crap explodes.

800
00:47:10,297 --> 00:47:11,532
This is Ray Rice's shit.

801
00:47:11,598 --> 00:47:14,134
Right after Ray Rice
passes all that nonsense,

802
00:47:14,201 --> 00:47:16,270
I was having a party
and I met this child Michael Sam.

803
00:47:16,336 --> 00:47:18,772
Do you know Michael Sam?
Very good man

804
00:47:18,839 --> 00:47:21,642
He is the first open NFL gay player.

805
00:47:21,708 --> 00:47:24,678
And Michael is a very good person,
a very brave man,

806
00:47:24,745 --> 00:47:26,747
But when I meet him,
I can't help but think,

807
00:47:26,813 --> 00:47:31,018
"What will happen when Michael Sam defeats his wife in the elevator?  Do you know what I mean?

808
00:47:31,752 --> 00:47:32,920
However...

809
00:47:32,986 --> 00:47:35,689
I give all the same advice to marriage,
gay or straight

810
00:47:35,756 --> 00:47:36,757
Take a dog

811
00:47:48,769 --> 00:47:49,837


812
00:47:51,004 --> 00:47:54,208


813
00:47:54,274 --> 00:47:55,642


814
00:47:57,311 --> 00:48:00,347
Because the dog will love you all the time,
but he doesn't want to.

815
00:48:02,716 --> 00:48:05,519
That is real talk.
I don't even know about dogs,

816
00:48:05,586 --> 00:48:07,287
and my children get the dog.

817
00:48:07,354 --> 00:48:09,465
They took him home from the shelter.
I don't even want it.

818
00:48:09,489 --> 00:48:11,525
They are like, "Can we hold it back?"
I said, "No."

819
00:48:11,592 --> 00:48:14,070
I said, "Where did you get this dog?"
They are like, "From a shelter."

820
00:48:14,094 --> 00:48:15,095
I'm like, "Ugh.

821
00:48:16,463 --> 00:48:18,065
Maybe something is wrong with him.

822
00:48:19,666 --> 00:48:20,667
Can't help it."

823
00:48:20,734 --> 00:48:22,903
And then my children started crying
and screaming

824
00:48:22,970 --> 00:48:24,471
Like a dog that has a debt of gambling.

825
00:48:24,538 --> 00:48:26,707
"Please, Daddy!
If you don't let us hold it,

826
00:48:26,773 --> 00:48:27,975
they will kill it!"

827
00:48:28,041 --> 00:48:29,076
I'm like, "Oh...

828
00:48:31,545 --> 00:48:32,980
All right, you can hold it back."

829
00:48:33,046 --> 00:48:35,048
And this dog is a threat.

830
00:48:37,117 --> 00:48:38,485
I hate his stomach.

831
00:48:39,753 --> 00:48:44,057
One night, I have sucked a number of weeds, and I am eating a sandwich  and Baba comes...
Baba is his dog.

832
00:48:44,124 --> 00:48:45,959
He comes and looks at me.

833
00:48:46,026 --> 00:48:47,561
This will make you very uncomfortable,
if he only sees you eating

834
00:48:47,628 --> 00:48:50,548
I have to give him a piece of my sandwich
so he will leave,

835
00:48:58,038 --> 00:49:00,774


836
00:49:00,841 --> 00:49:02,576
and that's how we become friends.

837
00:49:04,011 --> 00:49:06,513
Now, if you see me walking on the road
with Baba,

838
00:49:06,580 --> 00:49:09,183
I don't have a rope or not.
He walked right beside me.

839
00:49:09,249 --> 00:49:11,585
If I stop, he will stop.
And if I leave, he will leave.

840
00:49:11,652 --> 00:49:14,154
And all my friends are like,
"Yo, Dave, that crap is drugs.

841
00:49:14,221 --> 00:49:16,056
How do you train Baba to do that nonsense?"

842
00:49:17,824 --> 00:49:19,293
"I've never trained Baba.

843
00:49:20,360 --> 00:49:21,695
I'm just a messy eater."

844
00:49:23,397 --> 00:49:26,533
If I drop food and Baba doesn't exist,
All I have to do is call him.

845
00:49:26,600 --> 00:49:27,601
"Baba!"

846
00:49:28,802 --> 00:49:31,071
He's a black dude dog,
so he doesn't come soon.

847
00:49:31,138 --> 00:49:33,373
He peeked first to see what happened.

848
00:49:38,579 --> 00:49:40,256
I have to knock my feet
so he can see the food.

849
00:49:40,280 --> 00:49:41,320
"Here, little friend."

850
00:49:43,650 --> 00:49:46,787
He is like, "Thank you, Dave,"
and he will get it and run away.

851
00:49:46,854 --> 00:49:49,456
But he knows all my habits.
If he smells wild grass at home,

852
00:49:49,523 --> 00:49:50,791
he will be like... [sniffing]

853
00:49:50,858 --> 00:49:53,538
"Oh, this bastard will eat."
And he just came running.

854
00:50:01,034 --> 00:50:04,071
Baba made it through a very difficult time
in my marriage

855
00:50:05,439 --> 00:50:07,541
We spend a lot of time together.

856
00:50:07,608 --> 00:50:09,385
Not my wife and I
don't spend time together,

857
00:50:09,409 --> 00:50:12,579
but we have been married for a long time,
we don't talk like...

858
00:50:12,646 --> 00:50:15,616
I don't know if anyone is married here,
but after ten years,

859
00:50:15,682 --> 00:50:18,919
all the nagging crap is gone.
You have said everything.

860
00:50:18,986 --> 00:50:22,122
You know what I mean.
Yes.
We are only in the zone.

861
00:50:23,757 --> 00:50:26,760
He says the same thing to me every night
before he sleeps.

862
00:50:26,827 --> 00:50:29,730
I will be the last.
She's like,
"I'll sleep, Dave.

863
00:50:29,796 --> 00:50:30,797
Good night."

864
00:50:30,864 --> 00:50:33,543
"Alright, honey I will be awake
and watch television.
Good night."

865
00:50:33,567 --> 00:50:36,036
Then he will walk halfway up the stairs.

866
00:50:36,103 --> 00:50:37,471
"David?"

867
00:50:37,538 --> 00:50:38,572
"Hmm?"

868
00:50:41,074 --> 00:50:43,877
"Don't have kids lunch."
And then he left.

869
00:50:49,650 --> 00:50:52,920
Well, that nonsense,
I don't even have lunch anymore.

870
00:50:53,887 --> 00:50:56,924
Back in the day, I used to eat that crap.
You know how it goes.

871
00:50:57,724 --> 00:50:59,502
Now I can smoke a few weeds
in the middle of the night,

872
00:50:59,526 --> 00:51:02,563
and he will leave a neatly wrapped sandwich
the entire kitchen

873
00:51:03,430 --> 00:51:04,565
I will eat it

874
00:51:06,300 --> 00:51:09,403
What's the problem?
Why not?
just make the others in the morning?

875
00:51:09,469 --> 00:51:11,872
I mean, I also have a son.

876
00:51:11,939 --> 00:51:14,074
And boys love everything their father does.

877
00:51:14,141 --> 00:51:16,043
My children will go to school
The next day like,

878
00:51:16,109 --> 00:51:20,080
"Oh, Dad bit my sandwich Oh, damn it!"

879
00:51:21,849 --> 00:51:24,218
Their father is Dave Chappelle, man.

880
00:51:24,284 --> 00:51:26,386
You can exchange the sandwich
for something better

881
00:51:28,689 --> 00:51:31,258
What I do is add
to their lunch

882
00:51:33,427 --> 00:51:35,529
But he doesn't understand this type
thing.

883
00:51:36,230 --> 00:51:37,598
However, he is angry with me.

884
00:51:37,664 --> 00:51:40,767
He is angry with me now
Because I have a problem.

885
00:51:40,834 --> 00:51:45,072
I made myself blackmailed,
that happened in this business.

886
00:51:45,138 --> 00:51:46,974
I go home from the road.

887
00:51:47,040 --> 00:51:48,880
There is FedEx sitting
on the kitchen table,

888
00:51:49,843 --> 00:51:51,812
and it was aimed at me,
so I opened it

889
00:51:51,879 --> 00:51:53,347
I don't know who drove him.

890
00:51:53,413 --> 00:51:56,617
And there is a video cassette in it
with a note written on it

891
00:51:56,683 --> 00:51:58,085
which says, "Gotcha."

892
00:51:58,151 --> 00:52:01,054
Oh my God.
Can you imagine
I'm scared.

893
00:52:01,121 --> 00:52:04,391
I tore the whole house,
tried searching for VCR

894
00:52:04,458 --> 00:52:06,460
I have not seen recordings for more than a decade.

895
00:52:09,530 --> 00:52:12,332
And I saw the tape, and it was terrible.
They arrested me.

896
00:52:12,399 --> 00:52:16,537
That is my recording...
I'm fucking a girl, okay?

897
00:52:16,603 --> 00:52:19,907
But I've always been married.
But that doesn't look good.

898
00:52:19,973 --> 00:52:23,944
And I feel nauseous,
and I look up at hours,

899
00:52:24,011 --> 00:52:26,613
Then I see my wife coming home
in ten minutes,

900
00:52:26,680 --> 00:52:28,415
and I'm just panicking

901
00:52:28,482 --> 00:52:32,653
I jerked onto the tape quickly,
then...

902
00:52:39,560 --> 00:52:41,595
Then I called the FBI.

903
00:52:45,866 --> 00:52:48,569
Who, by the way,
makes me feel much better

904
00:52:49,870 --> 00:52:52,105
They don't say it
they will catch them for sure,

905
00:52:52,172 --> 00:52:55,709
but they have the attitude of some people
confident people who will catch them.

906
00:52:55,776 --> 00:52:58,345
So, I'm not too worried about it.

907
00:52:58,412 --> 00:53:01,215
And then, even a week later,
five days later, I go home,

908
00:53:01,281 --> 00:53:03,650
and there are more video tapes sitting on my terrace

909
00:53:03,717 --> 00:53:05,495
As soon as I see it,
I just called the police.

910
00:53:05,519 --> 00:53:06,787
"They did it again.  And the second record is nonsense
I've seen in my life.
That is terrible.

911
00:53:06,854 --> 00:53:09,056
Career ends badly.
That is my recording...

912
00:53:09,122 --> 00:53:12,392
jerking to the tape a week before.

913
00:53:19,733 --> 00:53:23,337
I don't even know how they do it
Even get things like that.

914
00:53:23,403 --> 00:53:27,674
I have to explain all this to my wife.

915
00:53:29,543 --> 00:53:31,478
He is very angry.

916
00:53:31,545 --> 00:53:34,915


917
00:53:37,317 --> 00:53:40,487


918
00:53:41,722 --> 00:53:43,223


919
00:53:43,290 --> 00:53:48,028
There is nothing in this world as cold as that
as a cold shoulder of a woman,

920
00:53:48,095 --> 00:53:51,098
Because he was angry,
But he didn't want to talk to me about it.

921
00:53:51,164 --> 00:53:55,235
He will only punish me in a few ways,
makes me do the things I hate to do.

922
00:53:57,804 --> 00:54:00,674
Like choosing children from school.
That's one thing he did for me to do.

923
00:54:01,308 --> 00:54:02,743
That is a difficulty for me.

924
00:54:04,645 --> 00:54:07,948
I have one child who goes
to a public school

925
00:54:08,015 --> 00:54:09,516
And...

926
00:54:11,451 --> 00:54:14,788
his younger brother goes
to a private school

927
00:54:15,789 --> 00:54:18,429
This is an experiment.
I just want to see
what will happen to them

928
00:54:24,565 --> 00:54:27,234
But the strange thing is,
my little boy in a private school,

929
00:54:27,301 --> 00:54:30,771
he, like, my son,
Do you know what I mean?

930
00:54:30,838 --> 00:54:33,907
I don't know where he got it.
He didn't get it from me.

931
00:54:34,641 --> 00:54:37,044
And he certainly doesn't understand
from that school

932
00:54:37,678 --> 00:54:39,847
The school is very...
This is a liberal school.

933
00:54:39,913 --> 00:54:41,215
This is the type of school...

934
00:54:41,281 --> 00:54:45,018
Maybe there are, like,
12 black students throughout the school,

935
00:54:45,085 --> 00:54:46,854
and I'm the only black parent.

936
00:54:54,561 --> 00:54:56,530
And also there are no parents like me.

937
00:54:57,197 --> 00:54:59,277
Not because I'm black,
But they don't like how I roll.

938
00:54:59,333 --> 00:55:02,870
I will appear late all the time,
and I, like, at Porsche,

939
00:55:02,936 --> 00:55:05,405
and I'm blasting music
they don't like.

940
00:55:05,472 --> 00:55:06,874
♪ I hit her pussy ♪

941
00:55:06,940 --> 00:55:08,809
Then I enter the parking lot.

942
00:55:09,576 --> 00:55:12,145
I might smoke
with children in the car.

943
00:55:13,947 --> 00:55:16,550
Then I enter the defective room.

944
00:55:17,184 --> 00:55:18,728
And when I exit
from a defective space,

945
00:55:18,752 --> 00:55:20,763
they always want to say
some passive-aggressive crap.

946
00:55:20,787 --> 00:55:23,524
"Morning, Dave.
Don't know if you pay attention,

947
00:55:23,590 --> 00:55:26,093
but you are actually parking
in a defective room."

948
00:55:26,159 --> 00:55:28,595
"Yeah, you know, Frank, I did pay attention.

949
00:55:28,662 --> 00:55:32,132
But who is this disabled person?
We all wait for what never appears? "

950
00:55:41,875 --> 00:55:43,377
So, I hate going to school.

951
00:55:43,443 --> 00:55:46,647
The only good parents to me
are lesbian couples...

952
00:55:46,713 --> 00:55:48,282
Kate and Sarah.

953
00:55:48,348 --> 00:55:52,486
Actually, Kate hates my courage.
Sarah knows that I'm black,

954
00:55:52,553 --> 00:55:55,589
and he's half black,
so he only understands me.

955
00:55:56,356 --> 00:55:59,226
You know what I'm saying?
I can't explain it.

956
00:56:00,427 --> 00:56:01,662
Because I would say bad,

957
00:56:01,728 --> 00:56:03,697
and Kate too seriously
about being lesbian

958
00:56:03,764 --> 00:56:05,866
I would like, "Hey, Kate, Hey, Sarah.

959
00:56:07,534 --> 00:56:09,412
You go
for a father-child picnic next week?

960
00:56:09,436 --> 00:56:10,537
How will it work? "

961
00:56:12,840 --> 00:56:14,608
And Kate will be angry right away.

962
00:56:14,675 --> 00:56:17,436
But Sarah knows I'm playing games,
so she will only say something cool.

963
00:56:17,477 --> 00:56:20,113
" I don't know, Dave, maybe Kate and I will reverse the conversation empty it. "

964
00:56:22,482 --> 00:56:24,351
I say," Bitch,
It's best to save the coin,

965
00:56:24,418 --> 00:56:27,354
because everyone knows
you are sturdy in that household. "

966
00:56:28,822 --> 00:56:31,525
And then Kate will turn bright red,
but Sarah is just my fist,

967
00:56:31,592 --> 00:56:33,794
like," You are right, nigga, this is me Bop. "

968
00:56:35,929 --> 00:56:37,197
We are good friends.

969
00:56:38,165 --> 00:56:39,809
We are friends well
They invited me for goods.

970
00:56:39,833 --> 00:56:41,568
They are my only friends at school.

971
00:56:41,635 --> 00:56:42,870
So, imagine my surprise

972
00:56:42,936 --> 00:56:45,472
when I go to pick up my child
after all this happens

973
00:56:45,539 --> 00:56:48,175
And the teacher is waiting outside for me.

974
00:56:48,242 --> 00:56:51,545
He just stands there
in the middle of a disabled room.

975
00:56:55,048 --> 00:56:57,160
I knew something was wrong,
so I lowered the window.

976
00:56:57,184 --> 00:56:58,519
"What is happening?"

977
00:56:58,585 --> 00:57:01,522
"Hi, David, can we talk to you?
briefly in the office?"

978
00:57:01,588 --> 00:57:03,333
I said, "No, damn it.
We have to talk here.

979
00:57:03,357 --> 00:57:04,391
What is happening?"

980
00:57:05,359 --> 00:57:06,527
I know it's bad.

981
00:57:08,595 --> 00:57:10,364
"Ibrahim quarreled."

982
00:57:10,430 --> 00:57:14,268
I say, "Fight?"
"Don't worry, everything is fine."

983
00:57:15,102 --> 00:57:16,737
I say, "Everyone?

984
00:57:19,173 --> 00:57:20,607
What happened?"

985
00:57:20,674 --> 00:57:22,285
"Well, that's it.
We don't know what happened

986
00:57:22,309 --> 00:57:23,810
because he didn't want to talk to anyone.  What we know is that he punched Sarah Jr.
In advance."

987
00:57:23,877 --> 00:57:27,114
I say, "Oh no!"

988
00:57:27,181 --> 00:57:28,482
Sarah is the only parent
I'm not sure I can beat up at this school.

989
00:57:29,116 --> 00:57:32,586
That's when, Kate and Sarah stopped
to pick up their daughter,

990
00:57:33,453 --> 00:57:35,989
and then we all have to go to the office,

991
00:57:36,056 --> 00:57:38,058


992
00:57:38,125 --> 00:57:41,929
and I was really worried because I didn't do it
wanted them to kick me out of school

993
00:57:42,930 --> 00:57:45,499
And then they bring my child in
He cries.

994
00:57:45,566 --> 00:57:47,267
They take him in like a prisoner.

995
00:57:48,135 --> 00:57:49,670
He is like, "Ohh! Oh!"

996
00:57:49,736 --> 00:57:52,206
I say, "Son, stop crying, calm down.

997
00:57:52,272 --> 00:57:55,409
Don't look at these evil faces.
I want you to see my face,

998
00:57:55,475 --> 00:57:58,679
and I want you to tell the truth,
friend, okay

999
00:57:58,745 --> 00:58:00,848
Say just the truth
Really?

1000
00:58:00,914 --> 00:58:03,383
Did you hit the girl Sarah Jr.
In advance? "

1001
00:58:04,451 --> 00:58:06,896
I tried to give him a signal to lie,
But he didn't catch it.

1002
00:58:06,920 --> 00:58:07,921
I'm like...

1003
00:58:14,261 --> 00:58:17,006
He doesn't pay attention.
She's like,
"Yes, Daddy, I punch her in the face."

1004
00:58:17,030 --> 00:58:19,633
"Oh, God, why? Why did you do that?

1005
00:58:19,700 --> 00:58:21,935
You shouldn't put your hand
on anyone."

1006
00:58:22,803 --> 00:58:25,606
And the answer is so gangster,
Afraid of all the old people in the room.

1007
00:58:25,672 --> 00:58:26,673
He is like...

1008
00:58:26,740 --> 00:58:28,575
[whining]

1009
00:58:28,642 --> 00:58:30,110
"Because he has it coming."

1010
00:58:30,177 --> 00:58:31,178
I said...

1011
00:58:36,416 --> 00:58:37,456
And everyone looks at me.

1012
00:58:37,518 --> 00:58:39,562
I said, "I didn't teach him. I don't know where he got it."  I said, "What does that mean, kid?
That is nonsense!
What does that mean?"

1013
00:58:39,586 --> 00:58:43,123


1014
00:58:44,057 --> 00:58:46,026
And then he just started crying
like him Tupac.

1015
00:58:46,093 --> 00:58:47,160
[crying]

1016
00:58:47,227 --> 00:58:51,231
"These kids keep making love with me!"

1017
00:58:59,039 --> 00:59:01,017
I told the teacher, I said,
"Now, now wait a minute.

1018
00:59:01,041 --> 00:59:03,177
This child is a lot of things,
But he is not a liar.

1019
00:59:03,243 --> 00:59:05,755
And if he says they are fucking him,
they do something to him.

1020
00:59:05,779 --> 00:59:07,457
Son, what happened?
What did they do to you? "

1021
00:59:07,481 --> 00:59:10,050
"Dad, I'm bored with this nonsense.
It's been going on all week."

1022
00:59:10,117 --> 00:59:11,494
I said, "What happened all this week?"

1023
00:59:11,518 --> 00:59:15,055
He said, "We are having lunch,
and the prostitute bites my sandwich."

1024
00:59:15,122 --> 00:59:16,590
I say, "Oh."

1025
00:59:21,762 --> 00:59:25,732
He said, "This is the fourth time this week. I am bored with this sandwich slut."  I said, "Stop using that word.
Let's go home."

1026
00:59:27,401 --> 00:59:29,570
That is a quiet ride home.

1027
00:59:33,106 --> 00:59:35,008
We arrived home,
he just ran to his room,

1028
00:59:35,943 --> 00:59:38,078
slam the door

1029
00:59:38,145 --> 00:59:39,413
His mother dropped down.
At that time, he had heard of everything.

1030
00:59:40,214 --> 00:59:43,383
He looks at me,
like, "Oh, my God."

1031
00:59:43,450 --> 00:59:45,028
I said, "I know, this is chaotic."

1032
00:59:45,052 --> 00:59:46,753


1033
00:59:50,424 --> 00:59:53,460
He said, "You bite the damn sandwich,
no, Dave?"

1034
00:59:57,227 --> 00:59:59,262
I said,
"I'm tired of accusing me of nonsense!"

1035
00:59:59,333 --> 01:00:01,068
And I'm just running out of house.

1036
01:00:01,869 --> 01:00:05,072
Jump into my car and leave.
Of course I bite the sandwich.

1037
01:00:07,441 --> 01:00:10,177
But I know he is right
really angry about the tape,

1038
01:00:10,244 --> 01:00:13,146
so now he will punish me
about the damn sandwich that I like.

1039
01:00:13,213 --> 01:00:15,173
I'm crazy like making love.
Do you know what I say to myself?

1040
01:00:15,215 --> 01:00:17,718
I said, "I should never go home.
Fuck this bullshit."

1041
01:00:17,784 --> 01:00:21,221
Speaking of which, that's how people
used to divorce in their 40s.

1042
01:00:22,289 --> 01:00:23,800
There are no divorce courts in America.

1043
01:00:23,824 --> 01:00:25,568
Back at that time,
If you want to get out of your marriage,

1044
01:00:25,592 --> 01:00:28,238
You just told your wife, "Hey, baby,
I will get a pack of cigarettes.

1045
01:00:28,262 --> 01:00:29,263
I'll be back soon."

1046
01:00:30,163 --> 01:00:32,533
You will only go
with a shirt on your back

1047
01:00:33,667 --> 01:00:35,068
That's when men are men.

1048
01:00:36,637 --> 01:00:38,405
And at that time there was no internet,

1049
01:00:38,472 --> 01:00:41,575
so you can move 11 miles away
and have a whole new life.

1050
01:00:49,650 --> 01:00:51,318
But finally I go home...

1051
01:00:54,021 --> 01:00:55,355
late at night,

1052
01:00:56,123 --> 01:00:58,492
and enter the room,
and he really changed to sleep.

1053
01:00:58,559 --> 01:01:00,136
You can always tell
your wife is angry at you

1054
01:01:00,160 --> 01:01:02,462
when they cover their titties
When you enter. "Oh!"

1055
01:01:03,997 --> 01:01:05,832
"Let the kids come out, this is me, baby

1056
01:01:08,035 --> 01:01:09,937
Can we talk about this for a moment?"

1057
01:01:10,003 --> 01:01:11,648
He said, "David,
there's nothing to talk about.

1058
01:01:11,672 --> 01:01:12,916
I already knew you were biting a sandwich.

1059
01:01:12,940 --> 01:01:14,820
And don't go looking for their lunch.
I hid it."

1060
01:01:17,244 --> 01:01:18,888
I say, "I don't want to talk about sandwiches  I want to talk about it.
That tape

1061
01:01:18,912 --> 01:01:22,416
I know that's why you're angry."

1062
01:01:23,150 --> 01:01:24,685
That is a very difficult conversation.

1063
01:01:26,119 --> 01:01:27,955
I have to solve some jokes.

1064
01:01:28,789 --> 01:01:30,691


1065
01:01:30,757 --> 01:01:33,160
And he laughs a little,
and that helps him relax,

1066
01:01:33,227 --> 01:01:37,064
and we start talking,
and then he solves some jokes...

1067
01:01:37,130 --> 01:01:39,666
That hurts my feelings, honest.
But...

1068
01:01:48,205 --> 01:01:50,006
But we talk.
And do you know what he told me?

1069
01:01:50,844 --> 01:01:55,249
He told me that he was angry
about the second blackmail tape

1070
01:01:55,315 --> 01:01:57,150
than he is about the first.

1071
01:01:58,151 --> 01:01:59,586
Which makes no sense at all.

1072
01:01:59,653 --> 01:02:02,289
What's wrong with guys
touching his own private parts?

1073
01:02:03,223 --> 01:02:05,492
This is my own business.
It's not like I do all the time.

1074
01:02:05,559 --> 01:02:08,562
In fact, I sometimes do it for the benefit.

1075
01:02:08,629 --> 01:02:11,899
Many men do this.
This is called a bastard of grace.

1076
01:02:13,400 --> 01:02:15,211
That's what happened
in the middle of the night

1077
01:02:15,235 --> 01:02:17,313
when you will roll over it
and you see his face,

1078
01:02:17,337 --> 01:02:19,740
and you are like, "He looks tired."

1079
01:02:22,342 --> 01:02:23,944
It requires a lot of love and discipline

1080
01:02:24,011 --> 01:02:26,113
to get out of the room
with a hard rock dick.

1081
01:02:30,717 --> 01:02:31,952
Sometimes I don't succeed.

1082
01:02:32,019 --> 01:02:34,388
"Uh-oh, Uh-oh.

1083
01:02:35,923 --> 01:02:38,659
Someone is sleeping with their socks,
isn't it?"

1084
01:02:42,596 --> 01:02:44,231
You can't rap your legs.

1085
01:02:46,133 --> 01:02:47,868
You can't rap your legs.

1086
01:02:52,139 --> 01:02:55,676
The only time I gasped now was if I knew how long he would go.

1087
01:02:55,742 --> 01:02:57,702
That is the only way to get my head
in the game.

1088
01:02:58,445 --> 01:03:01,915
Sometimes he will tell me, "Dave, I'm leaving
Bring the kids to my mother quickly.

1089
01:03:01,982 --> 01:03:03,817
I might come back
in a few hours."

1090
01:03:03,884 --> 01:03:05,185
"A few hours?"

1091
01:03:11,491 --> 01:03:13,594
You can get good
in two hours.

1092
01:03:14,761 --> 01:03:18,065
That is the type of session
where you will take off all your clothes.

1093
01:03:21,368 --> 01:03:24,638
"Get this damn toy from my path!"

1094
01:03:27,207 --> 01:03:32,279
Disgusting.
Feet on the coffee table,
just caress it, take my time

1095
01:03:34,515 --> 01:03:37,050
And I prepared a bowl of cereal
for me here

1096
01:03:45,959 --> 01:03:49,429
That's when you have that privacy.
You can experience a loud orgasm.
I miss them.

1097
01:03:49,496 --> 01:03:50,964
[shouts]

1098
01:03:58,238 --> 01:03:59,606
You know, when a man destroys a nut,

1099
01:03:59,673 --> 01:04:02,009
Right after that,
There is a six minute window

1100
01:04:02,075 --> 01:04:05,012
where he does the most rational thinking
he has done it

1101
01:04:05,078 --> 01:04:06,613
That's when he was always horrified.

1102
01:04:06,680 --> 01:04:07,814
[snorting and gasping]

1103
01:04:10,951 --> 01:04:12,619
"Oh my God, what have I done?

1104
01:04:13,820 --> 01:04:16,456
Oh God, it's everywhere.

1105
01:04:16,523 --> 01:04:18,058
[shouts]

1106
01:04:19,626 --> 01:04:21,094
Baba!"

1107
01:04:24,131 --> 01:04:26,733
Thank you very much, Austin, Texas.
I have a wonderful time.

1108
01:04:26,800 --> 01:04:30,904
Alright, be happy.
Good night all.
Thank you.

1109
01:04:30,971 --> 01:04:32,806
[announcer]
Leave one more time

1110
01:04:32,873 --> 01:04:35,909
for Dave Chappelle!

1111
01:04:35,976 --> 01:04:37,077
[playing music]

1112
01:04:40,247 --> 01:04:43,050
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪

1113
01:04:43,116 --> 01:04:45,619
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪

1114
01:04:46,420 --> 01:04:48,021
♪ In every ghetto ♪

1115
01:04:48,088 --> 01:04:50,023
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪

1116
01:04:50,991 --> 01:04:52,326
♪ Ah-ah ♪

1117
01:04:52,392 --> 01:04:53,861
♪ In every ghetto ♪

1118
01:04:53,927 --> 01:04:56,230
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪

1119
01:04:56,964 --> 01:04:57,965
♪ Ah-ah ♪

1120
01:04:58,665 --> 01:05:00,033
♪ In every ghetto ♪

1121
01:05:00,100 --> 01:05:02,269
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪

1122
01:05:02,803 --> 01:05:03,804
♪ Ah-ah ♪

1123
01:05:06,139 --> 01:05:08,375
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪

1124
01:05:09,209 --> 01:05:10,210
♪ Ah-ah ♪

1125
01:05:10,744 --> 01:05:12,145
♪ In every ghetto ♪

1126
01:05:12,212 --> 01:05:14,481
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪

1127
01:05:15,249 --> 01:05:16,250
♪ Ah-ah ♪

1128
01:05:16,950 --> 01:05:18,352
♪ In every ghetto ♪

1129
01:05:18,418 --> 01:05:19,786
♪ Ah-ah ♪

1130
01:05:21,054 --> 01:05:22,055
♪ Ah-ah ♪

1131
01:05:23,123 --> 01:05:25,425
♪ Revolution ♪

1132
01:05:25,492 --> 01:05:28,195
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪

1133
01:05:29,029 --> 01:05:30,464
♪ In every ghetto ♪

1134
01:05:30,531 --> 01:05:32,699
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪

1135
01:05:33,500 --> 01:05:34,501
♪ Ah-ah ♪

1136
01:05:36,637 --> 01:05:39,239
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪

1137
01:05:39,306 --> 01:05:40,307
♪ Ah-ah ♪

1138
01:05:42,543 --> 01:05:44,745
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪

1139
01:05:45,779 --> 01:05:47,080
♪ Ah-ah ♪

1140
01:05:48,649 --> 01:05:51,018
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪

1141
01:05:51,852 --> 01:05:52,886
♪ Ah-ah ♪

1142
01:05:54,655 --> 01:05:57,491
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪

1143
01:05:57,558 --> 01:05:58,625
♪ Ah-ah ♪

1144
01:06:01,328 --> 01:06:02,696
Wechat: CS_FASTBET99
Whatsapp: +66875579082

1145
01:06:02,763 --> 01:06:03,764
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