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00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:20,000
Visit www.Fastbet99.club
Trusted Trusted Online Gambling Agent

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00:00:13,180 --> 00:00:17,226
[announcer] Ladies and gentleman,
and all you other bastards,

3
00:00:17,309 --> 00:00:19,436
get up from your ass
for dear bitch:

4
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:21,813
Amy Schumer!

5
00:00:21,897 --> 00:00:24,816
- [playing music]
- [applause and applause]

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00:00:38,664 --> 00:00:39,665
Yes!

7
00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:49,341
What happened, Denver ?!

8
00:00:49,424 --> 00:00:50,676
[applause and applause]

9
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:57,140
Thank you very much for coming out.
Oh, my God.

10
00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:01,186
This is a big problem for me.

11
00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:04,856
I don't know if you know this,
But this past year,

12
00:01:04,940 --> 00:01:08,193
I've been very rich, famous and humble.

13
00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:09,861
[audience laughs]

14
00:01:09,945 --> 00:01:11,196
Thank you.
Thank you.

15
00:01:13,991 --> 00:01:16,410
And maybe you catch this.
I don't know who saw this.

16
00:01:17,369 --> 00:01:21,331
I tweeted a photo of myself
just wearing pants in

17
00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:22,583
There is nothing but underwear.

18
00:01:22,666 --> 00:01:24,543
[cheering]

19
00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:27,379
Thank you, only women.

20
00:01:27,462 --> 00:01:28,755
What's up

21
00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:30,632
No!

22
00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:33,468
It's too late, sir.

23
00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:38,932
This can be wrinkled
on your floor in the morning, but no.

24
00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:42,811
I like the idea of this being tangled
on someone's floor

25
00:01:42,894 --> 00:01:46,440
Must return this
in the morning
Like...

26
00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:48,775
[snoring]

27
00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:53,989
And you like, "call me."
Then...

28
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,034
Imagine doing a shameful way
in this.

29
00:01:57,117 --> 00:02:00,495
You like, "Hi, Taxi."

30
00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:03,248
They are like, "Hmm.

31
00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:05,834
That is a real garbage bag.
Looks like a Glad bag."

32
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:14,384
I feel like every comedian
needs special skin.

33
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:17,220
Right?
Every comic has some features

34
00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:19,973
where they use all skin,
and they regret it later.

35
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:23,518
This is my bad time!
Special skin

36
00:02:23,602 --> 00:02:25,854
What
What
What
What

37
00:02:25,937 --> 00:02:28,899
Already sorry.
already sorry.

38
00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:33,111
Very hot
Very overheated

39
00:02:33,195 --> 00:02:35,280
So, I tweet this picture of me.

40
00:02:35,364 --> 00:02:40,285
I'm drinking coffee.
I was topless
only underwear, and it became a virus.

41
00:02:40,535 --> 00:02:45,540
Everywhere, every news event,
every website,

42
00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:50,212
and that's when I learned the word
You don't want people to use it

43
00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:52,798
When your nude photos become viruses.

44
00:02:54,383 --> 00:02:55,550
"Dare."

45
00:02:56,218 --> 00:02:57,219
Um...

46
00:03:04,768 --> 00:03:07,163
You can imagine
You took off your shirt
in front of someone for the first time,

47
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,147
and they are like, "Damn!

48
00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:13,902
You look very brave now.

49
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:17,322
Whoo-ee!

50
00:03:18,073 --> 00:03:20,450
Shorty looks empowered!" Like it, no!

51
00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:25,414
As if I was standing there,
like, "I am brave!"

52
00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:33,088
No, just fuck me.

53
00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:36,883
I fainted tonight.
I fainted tonight.
Anyone?

54
00:03:36,967 --> 00:03:38,343
[applause and applause]

55
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:41,680
Who loves you?

56
00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:44,975
[speaking in childish nonsense]

57
00:03:46,852 --> 00:03:50,188
If you are a real winner, then you will...
Have anyone ever fainted

58
00:03:50,272 --> 00:03:52,441
and awake
when do they get out of it?

59
00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:55,485
- [woman] huh!
- Thank you!
Thank you, sister

60
00:03:56,278 --> 00:03:58,488
That's cool
Because it's like you are a time traveler.

61
00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:01,074
You just, like, go back to your body,
like...

62
00:04:03,535 --> 00:04:06,747
"What do people wear now?"
And you just kind of keep moving.

63
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:12,461
I, once, in college... thank you...

64
00:04:12,544 --> 00:04:14,588
I am out of a power outage,

65
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:19,301
and there are strangers
lower me

66
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,764
So, I'm like, "Okay."

67
00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:27,851
I decided to touch it gently.

68
00:04:29,478 --> 00:04:31,646
In order not to surprise him, you know?

69
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:36,651
"Sir!"

70
00:04:36,735 --> 00:04:37,986
I see...

71
00:04:39,863 --> 00:04:41,990
Because I lay there, and I like,

72
00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:44,951
"What do I know about this person?
at this point, right?

73
00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:48,371
I know his hair is brown.

74
00:04:52,751 --> 00:04:54,544
And I know he's a hero."

75
00:05:00,842 --> 00:05:02,928
He's brave, okay?

76
00:05:03,929 --> 00:05:06,097
He is brave,
and I will tell you why he is brave,

77
00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:10,143
and this doesn't leave this theater.

78
00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:13,814
And this doesn't leave your house.

79
00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:19,236
This is why he is brave.
On the best day of my pussy...

80
00:05:23,865 --> 00:05:25,367
This is not every day.

81
00:05:27,369 --> 00:05:28,829
Almost no day.

82
00:05:30,872 --> 00:05:33,153
But, you know, you wake up,
You have a good day.

83
00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:35,715
And maybe you know
you will have visitors,

84
00:05:35,794 --> 00:05:39,422
So in the bathroom,
you become very real there, you know.

85
00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:42,300
You pull things back you usually don't.

86
00:05:43,301 --> 00:05:46,137
You are a kind of Minority Report
your own vagina

87
00:05:46,221 --> 00:05:48,265
[snoring]

88
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:51,601
You sign in. It's like Stranger Things.
You just like to enter

89
00:05:52,269 --> 00:05:55,146
"Must find Barb, he is there."

90
00:05:56,314 --> 00:05:58,441
If you have
access to a removable shower,

91
00:05:58,525 --> 00:05:59,609
guess what?

92
00:06:06,324 --> 00:06:08,594
I just want you to think so
how big my vagina is.

93
00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:10,328
Same as... hmm.

94
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:13,540
This is really like... hmm?

95
00:06:20,922 --> 00:06:22,549
After all that...

96
00:06:23,842 --> 00:06:25,802
on the best day...

97
00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:27,095
[groans]

98
00:06:28,972 --> 00:06:31,516
the smell of my vagina...

99
00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:38,315
like a small animal, okay?

100
00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:43,528
Small.
Small.

101
00:06:43,612 --> 00:06:45,780
I don't, like...
Unlike big, messy llamas,

102
00:06:45,864 --> 00:06:48,908
like, chewing and spitting
and stinking.
No!

103
00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:52,996
A little.
Like goats.
You just...

104
00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:58,585
You buy food pellets, you know,
and you feed them,

105
00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:01,838
and it's like...
And you like, "Aah, he ate it."

106
00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:10,639
You don't go like, "Eww!"
You go, "I want to go into the sink.

107
00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:12,557
Native in English

108
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:16,436
Sort of will be good soon." [Chuckles]

109
00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:18,021
Because it smells.

110
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:24,069
That is the best day.

111
00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:31,326
On the worst day...

112
00:07:34,245 --> 00:07:36,414
after a power outage...

113
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:39,542
ISIS

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00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:42,504
It's chaotic, guys.

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00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:48,343
That's bad.
And what do you know?
It is okay.

116
00:07:48,426 --> 00:07:52,681
That is the nature of a vagina.
Right?

117
00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:55,892
We are very worried and embarrassed.

118
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:58,603
Our mother never sits us
and says, "Okay, honey,

119
00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:02,148
One day, sometimes
will have homelessness.

120
00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:04,693
The lights come out." Like, no.

121
00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:07,362
They don't tell you.

122
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:10,490
And that is just that pesky nature.

123
00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:12,701
And apparently, we are very embarrassed.

124
00:08:12,784 --> 00:08:15,078
I know some girls who don't want to let it
have someone drop it.

125
00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:18,373
They are like, "No, I don't know
What happened there?"

126
00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:21,418
I'm like, "What?"

127
00:08:24,963 --> 00:08:28,383
Like, I will forward your letter.
Go.

128
00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:32,429
Go down.

129
00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:37,434
Go to Puss Town.
And...

130
00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:45,316
And if it's not your business, okay,
do you know?

131
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,402
If I start dating men,

132
00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:49,380
and he is like,
"You know what, it's not me,"

133
00:08:49,404 --> 00:08:50,822
I will like, "It's okay."

134
00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:53,658
And then I will invite him
to go hiking on Red Rocks,

135
00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:56,786
and I will push it
from damn mountains

136
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:57,871
Only...

137
00:08:57,954 --> 00:08:59,289
[imitating a thud]

138
00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:02,167
[imitate thuds]

139
00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:09,466
Right?
And then they appear,
and they go to kiss you, and you go...

140
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:10,675
"Oh!

141
00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:14,721
No. Mm-mm.

142
00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:18,641
[moans]

143
00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:22,270
Mm-mm.

144
00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:25,899
I don't want to."

145
00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:29,611
Yes right.
I, I'm like... [moans]

146
00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:31,780
I like that nonsense, it's sexy.

147
00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:35,700
It's hot.
I'm like, "Mmm. Soup."

148
00:09:36,451 --> 00:09:39,412
I...

149
00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:44,084
Not even.
I see some girls,
only a few, you are already near

150
00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:45,168
They are like, "No..."

151
00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:46,586
[muttering]

152
00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:47,670
Yes.

153
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:53,343
I hope we are raised more like men.

154
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:57,055
Right?
Only, like, here's an example
how we are different.

155
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,849
We are very worried about our pussies, right?

156
00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:03,228
Have you ever had a guy
enter your mouth and go...

157
00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:04,979
[inhaling]

158
00:10:05,063 --> 00:10:08,358
"Does it taste good?

159
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:16,866
[whining]

160
00:10:20,161 --> 00:10:23,873
I haven't drank too much water,
and I'm a little worried. "

161
00:10:24,916 --> 00:10:26,292
[nervous murmur]

162
00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:27,377
No!

163
00:10:28,169 --> 00:10:30,380
That will never happen.

164
00:10:31,589 --> 00:10:34,217
Because, man, you are not raised
to hate yourself

165
00:10:35,051 --> 00:10:36,678
You are raised, and your parents,

166
00:10:36,761 --> 00:10:39,848
they are like,
"Everything you do is a miracle."

167
00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:45,395
And you are like,
"Yes, everything I do is a miracle!"

168
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:50,567
And don't get me wrong, you guys.

169
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,277
We love you coming

170
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,946
The only complaint: We want more than that.

171
00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:59,993
Again again.
We want to do snow angels in it.

172
00:11:00,076 --> 00:11:01,286
Yay!

173
00:11:02,704 --> 00:11:04,414
Yay!

174
00:11:06,124 --> 00:11:07,208
Mmm.

175
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:13,423
Is there something bad about coming?
I can't think of anything.

176
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,383
Oh wait, I'm just thinking about something.

177
00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:20,138
If you get even a drop
in your mouth,

178
00:11:20,221 --> 00:11:22,640
the rest of the day, you will...

179
00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:24,434
[snorting and exhaling]

180
00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:33,359
"I'm fine.

181
00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:34,611
[vomiting]

182
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:38,156
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
[retches]
Keep meeting."  [grumble]

183
00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:39,616
[rinsing]

184
00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:45,955
That's terrible.
Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself...

185
00:11:50,168 --> 00:11:53,129
on the big screen, do shows.

186
00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:56,424


187
00:11:57,759 --> 00:12:00,386
First of all, I'm like, "Who is that guy?"

188
00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:01,679
Like, I'm serious...

189
00:12:03,681 --> 00:12:05,016
I have good self-esteem, I do.

190
00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:06,994
But I will catch a glimpse of myself
on the screen sometimes,

191
00:12:07,018 --> 00:12:10,563
and I like, "I shouldn't be here.
I have to be on a mound, go, like..."

192
00:12:13,316 --> 00:12:14,317
Do you know?

193
00:12:18,029 --> 00:12:19,989
[voice in] "Good, woman.

194
00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:23,993
One more, miss."

195
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:31,834
Let me be real,
because I'm interviewing.

196
00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:33,252
That is me and Bill Hader,

197
00:12:33,336 --> 00:12:36,965
and interviewer
He asks hard questions to him

198
00:12:37,048 --> 00:12:40,385
like,
"What is your favorite beer in Germany?"

199
00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:44,555
Then
he asked me softball like,

200
00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:46,724
"Does it feel like making love to you?"

201
00:12:50,812 --> 00:12:54,107
And Bill is upset.
He is like,
"You don't need to answer it, Amy."

202
00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:56,859
And I like,
"He will find out, Bill!

203
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:00,697
Shut up, Bill."

204
00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:06,285
But I told him, and I will tell you
exactly what it feels like to fuck me

205
00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:13,418
Have you ever seen someone?
standing on a box,

206
00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:15,837
paint all silver, in the town square?

207
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:20,008
And you don't know
if they live or not

208
00:13:28,182 --> 00:13:31,102
But occasionally, just, "Boop!"
You are like, "Oh, that's someone!"

209
00:13:31,185 --> 00:13:33,229
That's how it feels to fuck me.
There he is.

210
00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:36,691
Like mime performing
in the city square.

211
00:13:37,608 --> 00:13:39,777
Unless no one has ever given me a dollar.

212
00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:44,365
I don't do nonsense.

213
00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:46,701
I lie there.
I lay on my back,

214
00:13:46,784 --> 00:13:49,495
like that,
or if I want to blow my mind, damn it,

215
00:13:50,788 --> 00:13:52,915
Sometimes I lie face down,
like this.

216
00:13:58,421 --> 00:13:59,672
Coming soon

217
00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:07,513
Men deserve more credit.

218
00:14:07,597 --> 00:14:09,557
They do it, when having sex.

219
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,476
We don't need to do anything.

220
00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:15,480
You guys, men,
You have to work really hard to fuck us.

221
00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:20,193
You have to struggle,
You have to stay hard,

222
00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:22,570
and you have to go like this.

223
00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:27,950
[snoring]

224
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:35,458
I feel like it will be funny
to do it longer, but it hurts.

225
00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:41,172
I can't believe you did that.
That sucks for you

226
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,472
My boyfriend usually comes inside me.

227
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:55,269
He usually comes inside me,
but sometimes you want to mix it.

228
00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:56,354
You have to have fun

229
00:14:56,938 --> 00:15:00,108
We will have sex,
and then he will ask my favorite question:

230
00:15:00,858 --> 00:15:03,236
"Where should I come?"

231
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:09,784
First of all, I like,
"Thank you for thinking about me.

232
00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:10,868
[chuckles] Like...

233
00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:14,539
How can I come to your mind? "

234
00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:24,507
" In this jar! "
I just, like...

235
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:33,307
" Where should I come? "

236
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:36,561
[belches]

237
00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:42,483
What do you think?
There are three answers, right?

238
00:15:42,567 --> 00:15:44,628
If you lie on your back, what are the three places?

239
00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:45,838
- [man] Tits!
- [second man] Face.

240
00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:47,613
- [woman] Butt!
- Yes.

241
00:15:49,866 --> 00:15:51,617
I lie here

242
00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:56,664
I just finished.
I'm not
on the damn Broncos or something.

243
00:15:58,666 --> 00:15:59,750
[snoring]

244
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,425
"Your ass."
You're very cute.

245
00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:08,509
No!

246
00:16:09,886 --> 00:16:12,763
He says, "Your head. "
What are you talking about?

247
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,099
Only... [imitating splat]

248
00:16:25,735 --> 00:16:28,196
"I'm the prettiest girl in Colorado."

249
00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:31,782
"Your head."

250
00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:33,618
- No.
- [woman] Tits!

251
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:35,077
Yes.

252
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:37,038
Your breasts

253
00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:39,790
Good answer.
Your breasts

254
00:16:39,874 --> 00:16:42,293
And you have to say it
like you about it.

255
00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:45,755
"Where should I come?"
You have to go, "My Titties!"

256
00:16:57,266 --> 00:16:58,267
And...

257
00:16:59,393 --> 00:17:01,103
And he said, "Are you sure?"
And you go...

258
00:17:01,187 --> 00:17:03,439
"Uh-huh! Mm-hmm.

259
00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:07,235
I like it.
I like it."

260
00:17:08,444 --> 00:17:10,655
I hate not coming to my breast.
I just...

261
00:17:11,489 --> 00:17:15,243
Walking all day,
I'm in the bank, "Zero goes into my breast.

262
00:17:15,326 --> 00:17:16,327
Ohh."

263
00:17:19,205 --> 00:17:20,414
My Titties

264
00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:28,422
I also like that question
because of that belief right?

265
00:17:29,090 --> 00:17:30,841
"Where should I come?"

266
00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:32,969
I don't know about you guys.

267
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:37,890
I have never dated other people
with the accuracy of American Sniper types.

268
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:43,980
Where I can be like, "Here.

269
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:51,779
Tap the moving target."

270
00:17:57,660 --> 00:17:59,870
I'm like, "Okay, Katniss... Um..."

271
00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:06,252
Now, most of the time...
Tell me is this true for you...

272
00:18:06,877 --> 00:18:09,380
He is like, "Okay, are you ready?
Are they ready?"

273
00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:11,716
And you like, "Mm-hmm."

274
00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:15,511
He is like, "Here it is."

275
00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:18,222
[imitating the sound of dribbling]

276
00:18:29,317 --> 00:18:31,444
Right in hand.
Just dribbling the ball, just...

277
00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:39,160
A second ago,
You are the most powerful person alive.

278
00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:42,121
Now you're just the last child
in a carnival

279
00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:45,541
with melting ice cream cones.

280
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:55,092
And, God, we don't care.
I've never been, like...

281
00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:57,457
[whining sound]
"Well, you said you would come with my children."

282
00:18:57,511 --> 00:18:59,639
We are not
No girl cares

283
00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:03,809
But then there is that movement

284
00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:06,133
where in times of despair,
the person will be like...

285
00:19:07,021 --> 00:19:09,815
And they try to paint fingers.
You like, "No, no, no!

286
00:19:11,442 --> 00:19:15,029
That doesn't happen for you.
We are closed."

287
00:19:21,619 --> 00:19:24,019
Sometimes it happens.
For three seconds, that means you left...

288
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,956
"Yay!"

289
00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:29,960
And then you just kind of display
to each other, like...

290
00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:36,550
And if you are with a really sweet guy,

291
00:19:36,634 --> 00:19:39,553
he will go, "Babe, do you want me?
to get you a..."

292
00:19:39,637 --> 00:19:41,180
[cloudy]

293
00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:51,065
You are like, "No, I understand.
You catch some appropriate closed eyes."

294
00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:58,114
And that's when we make shelves.

295
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,121
Right, girl?
That's what you do.

296
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:07,623
You don't want to just fucking...
You don't want...

297
00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:11,210
So you block and you walk it.

298
00:20:11,293 --> 00:20:12,503
Mm-hmm.

299
00:20:21,095 --> 00:20:23,639
This is the saddest shelf in the world.

300
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:27,601
And I've been to the Anne Frank House.

301
00:20:31,522 --> 00:20:34,066
I am a German Jew.
There used to be more than us.

302
00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:37,653
So what happened?

303
00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:41,282
Oh my God.

304
00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:44,243
It's weird to have a girlfriend.
I've been on a journey for a long time.

305
00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:46,036
I really like to have a girlfriend.

306
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:48,914
I really love this person.
I met him on a dating application.

307
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:52,543
Yes.
We meet...
When I register, they are like,

308
00:20:52,626 --> 00:20:55,212
"Congratulations.
You have a free lifetime membership."

309
00:20:56,505 --> 00:20:59,133
And I'm like,
"Well, that's discouraging."

310
00:20:59,216 --> 00:21:00,676
Like, "What is this?"

311
00:21:03,053 --> 00:21:05,615
When I met him, he was the first...
He was the only man I met there.

312
00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:07,641
I immediately liked it.
I like it very much.

313
00:21:07,725 --> 00:21:09,727
I like,
"I will make this person wait."

314
00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:13,105
And I do it.
Like, all through dinner.

315
00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:17,985
No, we don't go to dinner.
I...

316
00:21:19,445 --> 00:21:24,200
I don't know
I don't have an adult
escort the ship

317
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:27,036
There is nothing like, "Mnh-mnh-mnh.

318
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:29,914
Not until the seventh." I just...

319
00:21:31,832 --> 00:21:34,794
If I want a cake,
I like, "We are eating a cake today."

320
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:39,215
If I'm wet, I'm like,
"Okay, let's go in the penis there."

321
00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:41,717
Just... [humming]

322
00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:44,386
But I am a human germ,
and that's why I told him,

323
00:21:44,470 --> 00:21:47,640
before we do something sexually,
"Just like this,

324
00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:51,352
I know for sure
that I don't have the disease left.

325
00:21:55,815 --> 00:21:57,608
They burn out."

326
00:21:59,109 --> 00:22:00,820
I'm like, "What about you?"

327
00:22:01,070 --> 00:22:03,614
And he's like,
"I've never been tested."

328
00:22:03,697 --> 00:22:06,826
And I'm like, "Oh, mysterious.

329
00:22:10,579 --> 00:22:12,665
Is David Blaine home?"

330
00:22:15,876 --> 00:22:16,877
We go to Paris.

331
00:22:16,961 --> 00:22:19,922
I've never been to France
because I'm trash

332
00:22:20,005 --> 00:22:21,173
And...

333
00:22:23,008 --> 00:22:25,636
we go, and we are happy.

334
00:22:25,719 --> 00:22:28,180
We are together
under one year, so...

335
00:22:28,764 --> 00:22:33,185
we have tried to make it quite sexy,
But we both experienced hard food poisoning.

336
00:22:33,269 --> 00:22:36,939
Like, violence.
So, yes.
And we are not such a partner,

337
00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:39,108
"I'll go get something, baby."
You know, like...

338
00:22:40,442 --> 00:22:41,986
We try to save it, like...

339
00:22:42,069 --> 00:22:44,113
Less than one year
We are still lying.

340
00:22:44,905 --> 00:22:45,990
I see...

341
00:22:49,785 --> 00:22:53,038
So, our last night, after a few weeks, we like "Eiffel Tower..."

342
00:22:55,124 --> 00:22:59,628
We both experienced hard food poisoning,
and our hotel is one of the rooms

343
00:22:59,712 --> 00:23:02,256
where we have one bathroom,

344
00:23:03,549 --> 00:23:06,343
and that is the type where, like,
the bed is there,

345
00:23:06,427 --> 00:23:08,429
then you are in the bathroom,
and if you go...

346
00:23:08,512 --> 00:23:09,972
[soft grunt]

347
00:23:11,890 --> 00:23:14,351
You will hear it loudly.

348
00:23:19,231 --> 00:23:22,234
So, it hit it first.
And he's there, just...

349
00:23:22,318 --> 00:23:23,319
[vomiting]

350
00:23:24,612 --> 00:23:29,241
Then,
that way is manifested in me...

351
00:23:36,081 --> 00:23:37,499
it's...

352
00:23:37,583 --> 00:23:39,710
How do I say this and not dirty?

353
00:23:39,793 --> 00:23:41,670
I was in the bathroom only, like...

354
00:23:42,755 --> 00:23:45,049
[imitating machine gun]

355
00:23:45,132 --> 00:23:47,635
The rifle engine comes out of my butt.
Just...

356
00:23:47,718 --> 00:23:49,303
[imitating machine gun]

357
00:23:49,386 --> 00:23:51,013
Great diarrhea

358
00:23:54,308 --> 00:23:58,020
He... is over.
I shouted at him.
[imitating machine gun]

359
00:23:58,103 --> 00:24:00,981
I like, "It's so cool to date you.
Good luck.

360
00:24:01,857 --> 00:24:04,777
You will meet the greatest girl

361
00:24:04,860 --> 00:24:06,862
He is there for you."

362
00:24:06,945 --> 00:24:08,238
[imitating machine gun]

363
00:24:10,824 --> 00:24:12,368
He is vomiting.

364
00:24:12,451 --> 00:24:14,787
He tilted his head to where I was.
[imitating machine gun]

365
00:24:14,870 --> 00:24:17,122
And this is vomiting.
And that...

366
00:24:19,124 --> 00:24:22,002
And then I think I'm just going to be like that
One, the bad thing,

367
00:24:22,086 --> 00:24:24,713
and he is the one puke,
but I'm there, and I...

368
00:24:24,797 --> 00:24:26,340
And then he heard me go, "Fuck!"

369
00:24:26,423 --> 00:24:28,384
And I take the trash can, and I start...

370
00:24:28,467 --> 00:24:29,635
[vomiting]

371
00:24:29,718 --> 00:24:33,847
All of my holes
Damn it out of all my holes.

372
00:24:35,891 --> 00:24:39,728
Then I realized there was a hole in the bottom
of the garbage can I vomit in

373
00:24:42,022 --> 00:24:43,941
Kneeling

374
00:24:46,568 --> 00:24:48,988
So, I came out of the bathroom,
and I was like...

375
00:24:52,116 --> 00:24:54,702
I like, "Will you apply for
on this trip?"

376
00:24:59,957 --> 00:25:01,792
He is like, "No, I'm not."

377
00:25:04,002 --> 00:25:05,295
Oh my God.

378
00:25:07,923 --> 00:25:10,843
If you know me, you know
I was at NuvaRing for birth control.

379
00:25:10,926 --> 00:25:13,971
That's my thing.
Easy,
I don't need to remember to take pills.

380
00:25:14,054 --> 00:25:16,807
Not that I have had trouble doing that.

381
00:25:19,685 --> 00:25:22,604
But NuvaRing, if you don't know,
is this little latex thing

382
00:25:22,688 --> 00:25:24,231
You put it behind your cat.

383
00:25:24,314 --> 00:25:26,400
And then you spend
every three weeks

384
00:25:26,483 --> 00:25:28,402
and only bleed all furniture.

385
00:25:30,779 --> 00:25:32,448
Am I using it correctly?
So...

386
00:25:33,907 --> 00:25:35,951
I don't know why they don't sponsor me.

387
00:25:42,541 --> 00:25:45,294
So, we, like...
You can leave it during sex.

388
00:25:45,377 --> 00:25:47,838
But I want to get it out,
Just, like, thinking about it.

389
00:25:49,006 --> 00:25:51,175
So, you have to go in there, it is behind

390
00:25:51,258 --> 00:25:53,802
So, he's right on me.
I like, "Wait a minute."

391
00:25:54,386 --> 00:25:56,680
So, I keep my finger,

392
00:25:56,764 --> 00:25:58,891
and I try to get it
with my middle finger

393
00:25:58,974 --> 00:26:01,101
And I shot it up there,

394
00:26:01,185 --> 00:26:05,272
and that's when I accidentally
left with my index finger

395
00:26:05,355 --> 00:26:06,607
to be your own bastard

396
00:26:10,986 --> 00:26:12,321
My scream.
I'm leaving...

397
00:26:12,404 --> 00:26:13,906
[scream]

398
00:26:20,996 --> 00:26:25,542
And he goes, "What?"
And I went, "I put my finger in my ass."

399
00:26:28,253 --> 00:26:32,466
And he is like, "Can anyone do that?"
I'm like, "No!

400
00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:37,429
I'm not opening myself
Conversations about this."

401
00:26:39,932 --> 00:26:41,433
Mystery is over.

402
00:26:42,434 --> 00:26:43,727
We made it past that.

403
00:26:43,811 --> 00:26:45,687
I don't know
why I'm in birth control

404
00:26:45,771 --> 00:26:48,440
You know it is now
birth control pills.

405
00:26:48,524 --> 00:26:49,608
Do you know this?

406
00:26:50,818 --> 00:26:53,862
They still test it,
but I want him to do it right away.

407
00:26:56,031 --> 00:27:00,702
I can't imagine that era,
people, like...

408
00:27:00,786 --> 00:27:02,246
Imagine you go home with men

409
00:27:02,913 --> 00:27:06,208
and you will have sex with him,
and you get a condom from your wallet,

410
00:27:06,291 --> 00:27:07,709
and he just goes...

411
00:27:07,793 --> 00:27:08,794
"Oh.

412
00:27:09,711 --> 00:27:10,712
No.

413
00:27:13,006 --> 00:27:14,258
That's cool.

414
00:27:15,884 --> 00:27:16,927
I take the pill."

415
00:27:17,010 --> 00:27:18,262
"What?

416
00:27:20,013 --> 00:27:21,640
What are you?"

417
00:27:23,308 --> 00:27:26,353
The phone alarm sounds.
He is like, "Excuse me."

418
00:27:36,071 --> 00:27:37,239
Pop.
No.

419
00:27:38,448 --> 00:27:40,409
[sighs] God

420
00:27:41,118 --> 00:27:44,454
Yes, I'm fine.
I am very happy to be in this relationship.

421
00:27:45,038 --> 00:27:47,624
The only problem is
I'm not a girl who likes,

422
00:27:47,708 --> 00:27:49,960
"Yeah, like, from then on, we've been together,

423
00:27:50,043 --> 00:27:52,004
I've just been cold by drinking."

424
00:27:52,087 --> 00:27:54,965
If there is, it skyrocketed.
Like...

425
00:27:55,883 --> 00:27:57,968
Yes, I'm still black on reg.

426
00:27:59,928 --> 00:28:03,473
I know it's not cool.
It's annoying because,
For years, I've fainted,

427
00:28:03,557 --> 00:28:05,767
and I will only be alone,
and I fart on the pillow,

428
00:28:05,851 --> 00:28:07,352
But now there are witnesses.

429
00:28:08,770 --> 00:28:10,272
I am a witness.

430
00:28:11,023 --> 00:28:12,566
How annoying.

431
00:28:13,775 --> 00:28:15,527
So, I fainted last night.

432
00:28:16,153 --> 00:28:20,657
You know how I do it.
Just a little wine, edibles.

433
00:28:20,741 --> 00:28:22,910
I like,
"This is something missing. Xanax."

434
00:28:22,993 --> 00:28:26,747
Very dangerous.
Don't recommend
Good?

435
00:28:26,830 --> 00:28:28,790
But I have a very sophisticated ceiling.

436
00:28:29,374 --> 00:28:30,375
So...

437
00:28:32,002 --> 00:28:35,088
I'm running out.
And I just woke up in the morning.

438
00:28:35,172 --> 00:28:41,094
I don't even look at him,
but I can feel that he hates me.

439
00:28:42,262 --> 00:28:45,432
Do you know that feeling?
It's like, "Is that in the air?"

440
00:28:45,515 --> 00:28:46,516
[inhaling]

441
00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:48,977
It's anger and it's all aimed at me,
so...

442
00:28:51,855 --> 00:28:55,067
I'm like, "I'll play stupid."
I just rolled, and I just...

443
00:28:55,150 --> 00:28:58,153
"Mmm! Morning!

444
00:28:58,237 --> 00:28:59,321
[giggling]

445
00:29:01,073 --> 00:29:05,202
So, should we list all the things
that we are grateful for?

446
00:29:07,204 --> 00:29:09,039
I am grateful for you."

447
00:29:09,122 --> 00:29:10,374
[giggling]

448
00:29:11,041 --> 00:29:12,960
And he just looks at me.
He is just...

449
00:29:13,502 --> 00:29:16,046
"Okay... alright."

450
00:29:16,129 --> 00:29:18,632
I'm like, "Okay, what did I get last night?

451
00:29:19,341 --> 00:29:22,261
Am I just, like, saying my prayer
and going to bed?"

452
00:29:22,344 --> 00:29:23,387
[giggling]

453
00:29:24,596 --> 00:29:25,973
Ding!
He is like, "No."

454
00:29:26,890 --> 00:29:27,891
Good.

455
00:29:28,934 --> 00:29:32,312
"Am I giving a blowjob surprise?"

456
00:29:35,274 --> 00:29:37,359
I like ideas, like, "Blowjob?"

457
00:29:37,442 --> 00:29:40,070
A girl who doesn't know how to
to do a blowjob symbol.

458
00:29:46,201 --> 00:29:47,327
What?

459
00:29:50,622 --> 00:29:54,167
And he's like, "Ame, any blowjob
will be a big surprise at the moment."

460
00:29:56,169 --> 00:29:59,423
And I don't want you to think
I didn't give.
I like going down to him.

461
00:29:59,506 --> 00:30:01,008
I think you have to go down.

462
00:30:01,091 --> 00:30:03,510
Down.
I like it.
I love her, I like to do it.

463
00:30:04,636 --> 00:30:10,600
But there are people you send down
for 90 seconds, and they, like...

464
00:30:10,684 --> 00:30:12,602
[splash]
And you like, "Still understand."

465
00:30:12,686 --> 00:30:13,770
Then...

466
00:30:16,773 --> 00:30:21,695
There are guys like my boyfriend,
where if I want to blow it to completion,

467
00:30:21,778 --> 00:30:25,615
it takes between ten and 12 years.

468
00:30:29,119 --> 00:30:31,371
And in my twenties,
I will roll up my sleeve, break me...

469
00:30:31,455 --> 00:30:32,456
[imitating bone fractures]

470
00:30:32,539 --> 00:30:33,749
You know, I have...

471
00:30:33,832 --> 00:30:34,875
OK.

472
00:30:35,876 --> 00:30:38,128
[note singing practice]

473
00:30:39,713 --> 00:30:42,924
Red skin, yellow skin.

474
00:30:46,845 --> 00:30:49,097
I don't even know the girl anymore.

475
00:30:49,181 --> 00:30:50,724
He leaves.

476
00:30:55,812 --> 00:30:57,230
I went down for a while, though.

477
00:30:57,314 --> 00:31:01,443
I really questioned him,
and he yawned.

478
00:31:04,529 --> 00:31:06,073
[evaporate]

479
00:31:06,156 --> 00:31:08,956
I like, "If there is a God, he will give
the right dick in your mouth now."

480
00:31:09,034 --> 00:31:10,327
Gong!

481
00:31:15,248 --> 00:31:17,876
If I'm there long enough
that you yawn, guess what?

482
00:31:17,959 --> 00:31:19,336
♪ I come ♪

483
00:31:20,337 --> 00:31:21,963
[humming]  Fuck you

484
00:31:22,881 --> 00:31:24,049
I'm so much fun until now.

485
00:31:25,926 --> 00:31:27,552
So, I'm like, "Okay,
What did I do when I fainted?"

486
00:31:27,636 --> 00:31:31,098
He said, "Okay, what are you doing

487
00:31:31,181 --> 00:31:34,393
Are you starting to beat the Ritz Crackers."

488
00:31:34,476 --> 00:31:39,022


489
00:31:42,609 --> 00:31:45,821
I like,
"I'm sure I didn't hit them."

490
00:31:47,030 --> 00:31:50,951
He is like, "You see
like contestants on reality shows."

491
00:31:53,495 --> 00:31:54,496
Good.

492
00:31:55,664 --> 00:31:58,208
Then he said I started
on the other arm.

493
00:32:00,210 --> 00:32:01,545
And this is the right quote.

494
00:32:01,628 --> 00:32:07,092
He said that I "use butter
as if it's guacamole."

495
00:32:07,175 --> 00:32:09,719
It's just that, "Mmm."

496
00:32:17,185 --> 00:32:20,313
Just slacking off, eating dead-eyed butter.

497
00:32:23,692 --> 00:32:27,195
Then he says I try to make two frozen pizzas at once,

498
00:32:28,613 --> 00:32:30,740
because I want to eat it
like hamburgers

499
00:32:36,621 --> 00:32:38,999
And he said that he was like,
"Ame, what are you doing?"

500
00:32:39,082 --> 00:32:41,418
And I accused him of judging me.

501
00:32:41,501 --> 00:32:44,796
I like, "You judge me!"
Chasing him around the apartment.

502
00:32:47,132 --> 00:32:51,094
Then he said I was sleeping,
and I piled up all the pillows,

503
00:32:51,178 --> 00:32:52,804
four pillows on my side,

504
00:32:53,472 --> 00:32:55,223
and I put my head just above.

505
00:32:56,433 --> 00:32:58,477
And he left,
"Amy, we each got two pillows."

506
00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:01,229
And I go, "Not tonight, bastard!"

507
00:33:02,981 --> 00:33:04,441
[murky]

508
00:33:07,569 --> 00:33:10,864
♪ Isn't she beautiful ♪

509
00:33:11,740 --> 00:33:14,201
Thank you

510
00:33:15,368 --> 00:33:17,287
Oh my God.

511
00:33:17,370 --> 00:33:19,206
Immediately, that's just us.

512
00:33:24,044 --> 00:33:27,172
Oh my God.
I really love his whole family.

513
00:33:27,255 --> 00:33:29,549
No nonsense
They are from the Midwest.

514
00:33:30,175 --> 00:33:34,012
Yes.
The happiest person.
The happiest person.

515
00:33:34,763 --> 00:33:37,224
I mean, at L.A.,
I feel like they are pretending.

516
00:33:37,307 --> 00:33:39,184
Everyone like, "I do my best,"

517
00:33:39,267 --> 00:33:41,978
and you are like, "Stay away from cliffs."

518
00:33:45,065 --> 00:33:47,108
But in the Midwest,
they are just so excited

519
00:33:47,192 --> 00:33:49,277
And her mother is the happiest person
I've met.

520
00:33:49,361 --> 00:33:53,573
His name is Deb,
and Deb are the happiest people.

521
00:33:53,657 --> 00:33:57,244
He misunderstood.
He will like, "We bring U-ber here."

522
00:33:59,496 --> 00:34:00,622
I'm like, "What?"

523
00:34:01,373 --> 00:34:04,626
He is like, "I like that child.
What is his name?
Seeth Rogen?"

524
00:34:04,709 --> 00:34:07,629
I am like,
"That is not anyone's name at all."

525
00:34:09,422 --> 00:34:10,423
Wherever he goes,

526
00:34:10,507 --> 00:34:13,236
It looks like he was called out
as a contestant on The Price Is Right.

527
00:34:13,260 --> 00:34:16,513
He is just, "Whoo!"

528
00:34:19,349 --> 00:34:21,601
I'm lucky, though.
I promise, I love him.

529
00:34:21,685 --> 00:34:24,563
I'm not complaining.
I feel really lucky

530
00:34:24,646 --> 00:34:26,398
because there are lots of guys I've dated,

531
00:34:26,481 --> 00:34:28,900
Their mother has a vibration with them
where they are like,

532
00:34:29,859 --> 00:34:30,860
"Ohh.

533
00:34:31,861 --> 00:34:33,822
I want to fuck my child.

534
00:34:33,905 --> 00:34:35,615
[moans]

535
00:34:39,911 --> 00:34:42,455
No, it's OK.
You kids have fun

536
00:34:42,539 --> 00:34:45,333
I always think
We will end together.
I do not know. "

537
00:34:49,671 --> 00:34:51,923
And as a girl, you have to act
like that doesn't happen You are like,
"Amy, well, you really read."

538
00:34:52,007 --> 00:34:53,607
Um...

539
00:34:58,513 --> 00:35:01,057
And me.
Look.

540
00:35:01,141 --> 00:35:05,103
"Wine."

541
00:35:05,979 --> 00:35:07,105
And I don't think I'm better now.
You guys, I hope you know.

542
00:35:09,608 --> 00:35:10,900
Like, I know I'm trash from Long Island.
I have a lower back tattoo

543
00:35:11,735 --> 00:35:13,320
that is raised and bent,
and that doesn't mean anything,

544
00:35:15,822 --> 00:35:19,868


545
00:35:19,951 --> 00:35:24,080


546
00:35:24,164 --> 00:35:27,792


547
00:35:27,876 --> 00:35:30,879
and I have been petted by the taxi driver.

548
00:35:33,173 --> 00:35:35,091
At my request

549
00:35:39,638 --> 00:35:42,849
Keep reminding,
whatever is good or fancy happens,

550
00:35:42,932 --> 00:35:46,227
I was immediately taken to Earth.

551
00:35:48,021 --> 00:35:50,815
Whatever.
Like, our TV program won the Peabody Award,

552
00:35:50,899 --> 00:35:54,944
which I don't even know what it is.
Very high, very luxurious.

553
00:35:55,528 --> 00:35:58,406
This for people in the media
makes a difference
This is a big problem.

554
00:35:58,490 --> 00:36:03,203
And other people there
are people like Ebola fighters,

555
00:36:04,204 --> 00:36:06,373
and Malala,

556
00:36:08,124 --> 00:36:09,751
and our event,

557
00:36:09,834 --> 00:36:11,127
and...

558
00:36:11,961 --> 00:36:17,550
So, we go, and we are like,
"Okay, thank you for including us."

559
00:36:17,634 --> 00:36:22,555
And at the beginning of the award,
they showed a small clip

560
00:36:23,264 --> 00:36:25,600
of each project.

561
00:36:29,562 --> 00:36:33,024
And you don't know what they will choose

562
00:36:33,108 --> 00:36:36,945
So, first, they show clips

563
00:36:37,028 --> 00:36:39,155
from Ebola fighters in suits,

564
00:36:39,239 --> 00:36:43,326
this documentary where they entered
and they saved lives,

565
00:36:43,410 --> 00:36:46,413
the bravest person in the word.
And then Malala.

566
00:36:46,496 --> 00:36:48,289
Like, Malala-ing, you know?

567
00:36:49,916 --> 00:36:51,084
Then...

568
00:36:52,085 --> 00:36:53,878
they show clips from our shows.

569
00:36:55,839 --> 00:36:59,426
We are like, "What will they choose?
We have done so much for so much."

570
00:37:03,596 --> 00:37:08,309
The clip they chose is me
Take a giant bite from a burger,

571
00:37:09,102 --> 00:37:12,522
go, "I will go make a room,"
and walk to the toilet.

572
00:37:20,655 --> 00:37:23,950
Malala is installed
for glasses

573
00:37:24,868 --> 00:37:27,912
And then I like, "I'll take it
a violent dump
You're good?"

574
00:37:31,666 --> 00:37:33,710
July that Trainwreck comes out,

575
00:37:34,836 --> 00:37:39,549
two girls named Mayci Breaux
and Jillian Johnson were shot and killed

576
00:37:39,632 --> 00:37:42,218
in the cinema
when they go to see my movie.

577
00:37:42,302 --> 00:37:46,973
And the feeling of putting something
and excited,

578
00:37:47,056 --> 00:37:50,602
and then find out that
These two beautiful, amazing, intelligent women

579
00:37:51,186 --> 00:37:53,897
who just wants to have fun,
go and get killed

580
00:37:54,773 --> 00:37:56,858
destroy and...

581
00:37:57,525 --> 00:38:00,862
Yes, and I just want
to do something about it

582
00:38:00,945 --> 00:38:02,655
I don't know anything about gun violence,

583
00:38:08,286 --> 00:38:10,747
and household actors.

584
00:38:10,830 --> 00:38:14,292
And I'm like, "Okay.
Why can he get a gun?"

585
00:38:14,375 --> 00:38:19,297
I am not educated.
But I know
that if you are seriously ill

586
00:38:19,380 --> 00:38:22,175
or have been punished
domestic violence,

587
00:38:22,258 --> 00:38:26,179
there is a gap
which is not difficult to get firearms.

588
00:38:26,262 --> 00:38:30,517
And I'm like, "Well, I really want it
to help make it more difficult

589
00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:35,814
for people who are seriously ill
or domestic abusers... "

590
00:38:35,897 --> 00:38:37,190
[applause and applause]

591
00:38:38,650 --> 00:38:39,901
Thank you.

592
00:38:41,236 --> 00:38:44,072
I believe in the right to carry weapons.

593
00:38:44,155 --> 00:38:45,824
I have become friends with the gun owner. You want to take all our weapons!

594
00:38:45,907 --> 00:38:50,036
That cunning G wants our weapons! "

595
00:38:50,662 --> 00:38:52,872
I'm like," No, you look great.
You have to get more weapons. "

596
00:38:52,956 --> 00:38:58,169


597
00:39:04,801 --> 00:39:07,762


598
00:39:09,138 --> 00:39:14,310


599
00:39:15,770 --> 00:39:17,981
Let's use this person more weapons, right?

600
00:39:21,067 --> 00:39:23,695
"Our Amendment!"
You like, "Okay, okay."

601
00:39:25,071 --> 00:39:26,573
"The government wants my house!"

602
00:39:26,656 --> 00:39:29,536
I like, "You don't have a home.
You live in a trailer without windows.

603
00:39:30,201 --> 00:39:31,411
What are you talking about?"

604
00:39:32,495 --> 00:39:35,707
And then I found...
And you might already know this...

605
00:39:35,790 --> 00:39:38,334
That is if it's really
on the terrorist watch list...

606
00:39:38,418 --> 00:39:43,256
Like, not just a no-fly list,
But a list of straight terrorist watches...

607
00:39:43,840 --> 00:39:45,800
You can easily get a gun.

608
00:39:46,718 --> 00:39:49,554
So, the same person is like,

609
00:39:49,637 --> 00:39:51,973
"Out of our country, strangers!

610
00:39:55,560 --> 00:40:01,149
But when you're here, please,
enjoy our firearms legally. "

611
00:40:09,032 --> 00:40:12,702
If you are blind...

612
00:40:17,957 --> 00:40:23,546
If you are blind like a damn bat,
You can enter the weapon shop,

613
00:40:25,214 --> 00:40:26,257
hopefully.

614
00:40:30,094 --> 00:40:33,514
There are more weapons stores than Starbucks
and McDonald's’ combinations in our country ,

615
00:40:33,598 --> 00:40:35,433
so your chances are good

616
00:40:36,351 --> 00:40:37,602
You enter,

617
00:40:37,685 --> 00:40:40,271
and you go, "I want a gun!"
And they go, "We are here."

618
00:40:40,355 --> 00:40:41,648
Then you go, "Oh, alright."

619
00:40:46,736 --> 00:40:48,237
"I'll take it."

620
00:40:48,988 --> 00:40:51,616
And they go, "That's the call."
You go, "Oh, alright..."

621
00:40:53,117 --> 00:40:55,912
Like, all about equality
for disabled people,

622
00:40:55,995 --> 00:40:58,164
But if Stevie Wonder calls me
and she's like,

623
00:40:58,915 --> 00:41:01,960
"Do you want to go shoot today?"
I will like, "Hard pass."

624
00:41:05,838 --> 00:41:09,550
The thing you see through destination
is called "scenery!"

625
00:41:11,803 --> 00:41:13,262
But you don't need that.

626
00:41:14,764 --> 00:41:16,015
They get a gun.

627
00:41:16,099 --> 00:41:22,146
So I was like, "Okay, I would like it a lot...
Can we work to not give weapons?

628
00:41:22,230 --> 00:41:27,819
for mental terrorists hurt
who is blind and hit their wives?"

629
00:41:31,739 --> 00:41:33,116
"What ?!

630
00:41:34,117 --> 00:41:37,537
What's next?
Do you want us to make love with animals?"

631
00:41:37,620 --> 00:41:39,914
I like, "I have become a fucking animal
My whole life, sir."

632
00:41:42,917 --> 00:41:44,669
And what do you know?
I really heard you.

633
00:41:44,752 --> 00:41:49,674
You are like, "Schumer, you're talking
about coming all your breasts.

634
00:41:51,092 --> 00:41:53,177
Now we have to listen to this nonsense?"  But what's crazy is that you can catch it
a heat load in all of your titties

635
00:41:53,261 --> 00:42:00,018
and still don't want your loved ones
to be shot in the cinema

636
00:42:00,101 --> 00:42:04,313
[applause and applause]

637
00:42:04,397 --> 00:42:05,982
Do you know what?

638
00:42:15,366 --> 00:42:16,367
I don't know if you pay attention,

639
00:42:17,744 --> 00:42:19,412
But I called Hollywood "very fat."

640
00:42:19,495 --> 00:42:25,293


641
00:42:28,421 --> 00:42:30,590
No, you know.
You know me.

642
00:42:30,673 --> 00:42:34,844
I feel very good on my own skin.
I feel strong.
I feel healthy

643
00:42:34,927 --> 00:42:36,763
[applause and applause]

644
00:42:36,846 --> 00:42:39,432
I do
I feel sexy.

645
00:42:42,518 --> 00:42:46,105
Also, like, my father has MS
and is in a wheelchair.

646
00:42:46,189 --> 00:42:48,691
And that, like, I'm very excited
I can move bad luck.

647
00:42:48,775 --> 00:42:51,360
I'm just like, "Fuck you."
How are you?

648
00:42:51,444 --> 00:42:55,448
[muttering] How do I get rid of... "
Shut your mouth!

649
00:42:55,531 --> 00:42:57,116
You live.

650
00:43:00,328 --> 00:43:02,413
You can move and we feel good.

651
00:43:04,457 --> 00:43:06,167
And, you know, I bought it,

652
00:43:06,250 --> 00:43:08,669
because when I'm doing
my first movie, Trainwreck,

653
00:43:08,753 --> 00:43:11,339
before I do anything,
someone explained to me,

654
00:43:11,422 --> 00:43:13,925
they are like, "Just so you know, Amy,
there is no pressure.

655
00:43:14,008 --> 00:43:18,679
But if you weigh more than 140 kilograms, it will hurt people's eyes."

656
00:43:22,934 --> 00:43:24,936
And I'm like... [moans]

657
00:43:25,019 --> 00:43:28,022
I just bought it.
I'm like, "Okay, I'm new in town."

658
00:43:28,106 --> 00:43:29,982
So, I lost weight,

659
00:43:30,066 --> 00:43:34,612
and I think you should feel healthy
and take care of yourself.

660
00:43:34,695 --> 00:43:38,282
But I don't believe, like,
crashing a diet or starving myself.

661
00:43:38,366 --> 00:43:39,909
Like, get out of here.

662
00:43:39,992 --> 00:43:43,955
No, come on, you know...
That's not true.

663
00:43:44,038 --> 00:43:47,708
Yes, thank God
I look very skinny.

664
00:43:48,876 --> 00:43:52,672
My mute head remains the same size.

665
00:43:54,507 --> 00:43:56,342
But then my body shrinks,

666
00:43:56,425 --> 00:44:01,055
and I only look like Thanksgiving
Tonya Harding's life parade.

667
00:44:01,139 --> 00:44:02,431
I'm just like, "Hi!"

668
00:44:05,601 --> 00:44:07,478
Nobody likes it.
It's not funny to me.

669
00:44:07,562 --> 00:44:09,355
So, I, like, get all this weight back.

670
00:44:09,438 --> 00:44:12,483
I just revenge
when the movie is finished.

671
00:44:12,567 --> 00:44:14,711
I just, "I can't eat pizza.
I can't..."

672
00:44:14,735 --> 00:44:18,447
Like, everything.
And I'm worried,
because it's in your head,

673
00:44:18,531 --> 00:44:21,993
only everything on television and movies
and magazines and the internet.

674
00:44:22,076 --> 00:44:26,247
All beautiful women,
like, small skulls with breasts,

675
00:44:26,330 --> 00:44:28,249
and you only, like...

676
00:44:28,332 --> 00:44:33,546
All day long I saw Hadid
's sister and, like, Jenner's things,

677
00:44:33,629 --> 00:44:35,006
and you only, like...

678
00:44:37,300 --> 00:44:38,968
And I'm worried.
I'm getting heavy.

679
00:44:39,051 --> 00:44:41,679
I like, "Oh, my God.
Will men still be interested in me?"

680
00:44:41,762 --> 00:44:44,724
And that's when I remember...
I always forget this...

681
00:44:44,807 --> 00:44:46,767
This is another reason why I really love men.

682
00:44:47,852 --> 00:44:50,688
Men, every day, have thoughts that cross their heads

683
00:44:50,771 --> 00:44:51,856
where they are, like...

684
00:44:52,982 --> 00:44:57,945
"I don't know why, but I want to give my penis right in your ass."

685
00:45:00,907 --> 00:45:02,825
Several times a day, someone passes.

686
00:45:02,909 --> 00:45:04,118
"Hah."

687
00:45:04,201 --> 00:45:05,369
You know, just...

688
00:45:08,289 --> 00:45:10,541
They are like, "Look,
also doesn't make sense to me,

689
00:45:10,625 --> 00:45:12,084
but I know for sure

690
00:45:13,461 --> 00:45:16,964
I want to take the most sensitive ones,
the intimate parts of myself

691
00:45:17,882 --> 00:45:22,094
and only, like, ram are true
where You shit
Just, like, ram! "

692
00:45:22,887 --> 00:45:24,347
[snoring]

693
00:45:28,017 --> 00:45:30,186
They think that,
and I'm here like,

694
00:45:30,269 --> 00:45:32,688
"Oh, should I get the spotlight?"

695
00:45:32,772 --> 00:45:33,856
Like...

696
00:45:37,234 --> 00:45:38,569
He doesn't care!

697
00:45:40,112 --> 00:45:42,740
He doesn't care.

698
00:45:44,784 --> 00:45:48,913
"Honey, do you like the color of my new nails?
These are ballet shoes."

699
00:45:49,956 --> 00:45:52,541
"I will make love to you if your head
is ballet shoes.

700
00:45:52,625 --> 00:45:54,335
I don't care."

701
00:45:56,545 --> 00:45:59,507
We work very hard,
and they don't care.

702
00:46:00,508 --> 00:46:02,134
Isn't that relaxed mind?

703
00:46:03,177 --> 00:46:07,014
Like, not anal.
But, like, men will fuck us, you know?

704
00:46:09,433 --> 00:46:11,268
If they screw us, they will come.

705
00:46:11,352 --> 00:46:15,815
This is a beautiful and easy sweater that is available in...

706
00:46:15,898 --> 00:46:17,024
No, I'm just kidding.

707
00:46:18,818 --> 00:46:21,904
I'm the most shittiest famous person, okay?

708
00:46:21,988 --> 00:46:23,572
I am a famous person who is unlucky.

709
00:46:23,656 --> 00:46:27,118
Yes, I know.
I always...
I can't believe it's still going on.

710
00:46:27,201 --> 00:46:29,537
I say what I mean
I dress like garbage.

711
00:46:29,620 --> 00:46:32,289
Like, my sister and I...
And I tried very hard.

712
00:46:32,373 --> 00:46:34,834
I'm like, "Okay, like, let's do the best

713
00:46:34,917 --> 00:46:38,587
and tape it
and spill it down and..."

714
00:46:38,671 --> 00:46:39,714
[groans]

715
00:46:40,589 --> 00:46:45,177
But after I leave here, I will look like this
new homeless person very quickly

716
00:46:46,512 --> 00:46:48,514
Very fast, trust me.

717
00:46:48,597 --> 00:46:52,852
My sister's dress is the same,
But they will still write about us

718
00:46:53,477 --> 00:46:55,062
as if we are Kardashians.

719
00:46:55,146 --> 00:46:59,150
They will be like,
"The Schumer brothers stepped out today.

720
00:47:01,777 --> 00:47:05,281
Amy chose performance feathers...

721
00:47:07,658 --> 00:47:10,870
and a jacket from Forever 21."

722
00:47:12,747 --> 00:47:14,749
And my favorite thing
they ever wrote it,

723
00:47:14,832 --> 00:47:19,795
"And Kim chose to use
bright red-and-gold beanie

724
00:47:19,879 --> 00:47:21,797
to add the ensemble."

725
00:47:24,341 --> 00:47:26,052
That's a Gryffindor hat.

726
00:47:26,135 --> 00:47:29,180
Like, look at this.
This is a fucking Gryffindor hat.

727
00:47:32,808 --> 00:47:36,020
The most disappointing person has been photographed

728
00:47:36,103 --> 00:47:38,189
See this.
Looks like we're moving,

729
00:47:38,272 --> 00:47:41,734
and we run out of bags,

730
00:47:41,817 --> 00:47:44,028
so we are like, "let's use it all.

731
00:47:44,945 --> 00:47:49,909
We will only use it.
Never bras
Never become a problem

732
00:47:49,992 --> 00:47:53,120
Look at my brother's shoe game.
Can you check this?

733
00:47:55,706 --> 00:47:57,583
Ballet flat from Payless.

734
00:47:59,001 --> 00:48:01,962
Z & Z pants H & M.
What's up?

735
00:48:02,046 --> 00:48:03,964
What's up now, internet?

736
00:48:06,092 --> 00:48:09,512
They photograph me once,
and this is the headline:

737
00:48:09,595 --> 00:48:14,183
"Schumer buys cookies
so he can exercise."

738
00:48:16,143 --> 00:48:17,186
Type of mean, right?

739
00:48:18,062 --> 00:48:19,980
No, they hit nails
Right on that damn head.

740
00:48:20,064 --> 00:48:21,565
That's what I do to work outside.

741
00:48:22,316 --> 00:48:25,194
That's what I did.
Before I exercised,
I went to buy scones,

742
00:48:25,277 --> 00:48:27,863
Then I slowly walk
around the reservoir, and I eat it.

743
00:48:27,947 --> 00:48:30,324
Exercise me like a woman in a nursing home.

744
00:48:31,367 --> 00:48:35,663
It's just that, like biting on baked food,
see the trees and birds

745
00:48:35,746 --> 00:48:36,747
"Mmm."

746
00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:40,417
I really disappointed them
as a famous person

747
00:48:40,501 --> 00:48:43,337
that they will try to make it sound more sexy
than that

748
00:48:43,420 --> 00:48:47,133
They are like, "Schumer shows off his legs
with tiny shorts."

749
00:48:48,259 --> 00:48:50,052
And you have eyes.

750
00:48:50,136 --> 00:48:53,514
You understand that
is not available to me

751
00:48:55,266 --> 00:49:00,146
Like, there is no separation between the church and the state here, okay?

752
00:49:01,355 --> 00:49:04,233
This area is not...

753
00:49:05,276 --> 00:49:08,404
Nothing... That doesn't happen.

754
00:49:09,280 --> 00:49:11,157
I don't even know what a thigh gap is.

755
00:49:11,240 --> 00:49:14,827
I like, "Is that like a wage gap?
Do we need to do a demonstration against this?"

756
00:49:15,995 --> 00:49:18,455
Since I was ten years old,
I can't wear small shorts.

757
00:49:18,539 --> 00:49:21,250
If I take one step,
all material brings up my pussy.

758
00:49:21,333 --> 00:49:23,127
I have to pull it out like a magician.

759
00:49:23,878 --> 00:49:26,297
Dove dove
Only, like, "Fly!"

760
00:49:28,757 --> 00:49:31,260
I have to throw deodorant in my groin,

761
00:49:31,343 --> 00:49:33,971
so I don't go straight to the point
bleed out

762
00:49:36,640 --> 00:49:39,602
This is where my thigh
stops touching for the first time

763
00:49:39,685 --> 00:49:42,104
Together.
Besides.
Together.

764
00:49:43,063 --> 00:49:44,565
Besides.
Together.
Besides.

765
00:49:46,525 --> 00:49:50,905
The tiny little shorts.
Annoyed

766
00:49:53,407 --> 00:49:54,700
Fuck you

767
00:49:54,783 --> 00:49:58,078
I had time to photograph paddleboarding,
standup paddleboarding, which...

768
00:49:58,162 --> 00:50:00,956
Can we all agree?
stop pretending like it's fun?

769
00:50:01,040 --> 00:50:03,751
What are we... what?

770
00:50:04,960 --> 00:50:07,504
"Do you like the sensation?
are on the boat,

771
00:50:08,422 --> 00:50:12,009
without the comfort of sitting
or side security?"

772
00:50:14,553 --> 00:50:15,553
"No."

773
00:50:16,722 --> 00:50:19,850
"Do you often wonder what it's like?
to work on the gondola?"

774
00:50:22,561 --> 00:50:24,521
"I can't say that. No."

775
00:50:25,356 --> 00:50:28,192
My description,
I don't even recognize myself

776
00:50:28,275 --> 00:50:30,069
because, obviously,
I didn't suck at all.

777
00:50:30,152 --> 00:50:31,445
That's just, like...

778
00:50:32,363 --> 00:50:36,158
I saw it, and I was like,
"Oh, my God, Alfred Hitchcock is still alive...

779
00:50:37,534 --> 00:50:39,119
and likes water sports!

780
00:50:39,203 --> 00:50:40,955
Fuck, huh," You know?

781
00:50:41,539 --> 00:50:42,623
I am very captivated.

782
00:50:42,706 --> 00:50:44,959
Honestly, the only thing that makes me all night,

783
00:50:45,042 --> 00:50:48,212
the only one,
is that I believe in my heart

784
00:50:48,295 --> 00:50:50,464
that Bradley Cooper wants to fuck me.

785
00:50:50,547 --> 00:50:53,175
Now, no one else believes me,

786
00:50:53,884 --> 00:50:56,011
especially not him.

787
00:50:56,095 --> 00:50:57,346
But I believe that.

788
00:50:58,847 --> 00:51:00,349
I believe it in my heart.

789
00:51:00,933 --> 00:51:04,103
Now, you might like, "Bradley Cooper
Don't really do it for me."

790
00:51:04,186 --> 00:51:06,313
Hmm.
Shut up.

791
00:51:07,439 --> 00:51:09,566
Yes, that's the case.
He's kind of hot

792
00:51:09,650 --> 00:51:12,194
where when you see it,
you don't even mean,

793
00:51:12,278 --> 00:51:14,822
But your body is just like a pivot around.

794
00:51:14,905 --> 00:51:17,074
And you only, like, take your toes.

795
00:51:17,157 --> 00:51:18,867
You are like, "OK."

796
00:51:23,038 --> 00:51:25,916
By the way,
that is as far as I can go.

797
00:51:27,209 --> 00:51:28,377
That's it.

798
00:51:28,460 --> 00:51:30,838
Look, we got a little more.
But I'm a little tilted.

799
00:51:32,256 --> 00:51:36,385
He's kind of hot
where when he talks to you,

800
00:51:36,468 --> 00:51:37,886
all your holes are wet.

801
00:51:37,970 --> 00:51:40,264
You are like, "What?

802
00:51:40,347 --> 00:51:41,682
Why is it here?" Like...

803
00:51:43,475 --> 00:51:46,437
His eyes change color and bad luck, you guys.

804
00:51:47,938 --> 00:51:49,732
So, he was talking to me at this event,

805
00:51:49,815 --> 00:51:53,235
and I don't even think I'm registering
As a sexual person for him,

806
00:51:53,319 --> 00:51:56,405
because I'm thinking of myself
like I'm on a mound, you know?

807
00:51:56,488 --> 00:51:57,489
And...

808
00:51:59,074 --> 00:52:02,703
I'm just like, "Sick party, right, Coop?"
Like, I'm not...

809
00:52:04,121 --> 00:52:06,540
I tried to help her out
from the conversation with me

810
00:52:06,623 --> 00:52:07,708
I'm like, "Alright."

811
00:52:07,791 --> 00:52:11,795
Because all these beautiful girls are around, only foam in the mouth,

812
00:52:11,879 --> 00:52:13,672
like,
"Oh, let me in the dick hole."

813
00:52:13,756 --> 00:52:14,923
And...

814
00:52:16,050 --> 00:52:19,010
And I tried to get it out of there.
I'm like, "Okay, good night."

815
00:52:19,053 --> 00:52:22,264
And he is like, "Wait, Amy.
Nice to meet you

816
00:52:22,348 --> 00:52:23,349
Come on hang out."

817
00:52:28,103 --> 00:52:30,272
I'm like, "okay...

818
00:52:32,274 --> 00:52:34,443
my new girlfriend."

819
00:52:36,028 --> 00:52:37,655
Fully go there.
Then...

820
00:52:38,906 --> 00:52:42,284
Then we talk a little more,
and then 20 minutes pass, and I like,

821
00:52:42,368 --> 00:52:44,953
"Okay, I'll take my seat."
And he grabbed my wrist.

822
00:52:45,037 --> 00:52:48,540
He left,
"Wait, it seems very good to meet you.

823
00:52:48,624 --> 00:52:51,335
Why don't we, like,
Spend time together? "

824
00:52:56,006 --> 00:52:58,133
[humming" Bridal Chorus "]  I, like, put my napkin over my head. I like," I know! "

825
00:52:59,885 --> 00:53:03,263
I called my friend from high school
On the way home.

826
00:53:03,347 --> 00:53:05,808
= = I like, "Take me out of your phone.
I'm with Bradley now.

827
00:53:05,891 --> 00:53:08,769
I'm at a new level,
and you don't come with me

828
00:53:08,852 --> 00:53:13,065
You came out! "

829
00:53:14,191 --> 00:53:15,401
And then the next night,
I was doing a show in Reno, Nevada,

830
00:53:16,985 --> 00:53:20,322
because you can have it all.

831
00:53:20,406 --> 00:53:21,990
And I'm watching
White House Correspondent Dinner.

832
00:53:24,576 --> 00:53:27,246


833
00:53:27,329 --> 00:53:30,040
And they are like,
"And this is Bradley Cooper."

834
00:53:30,124 --> 00:53:31,959
And I'm like, "Hi, baby."

835
00:53:32,042 --> 00:53:35,838
And they are like,
"And this is his girlfriend."

836
00:53:35,921 --> 00:53:39,341
And I'm like, "But I'm my girlfriend."

837
00:53:40,551 --> 00:53:43,595
It turns out I'm not his girlfriend.

838
00:53:44,555 --> 00:53:49,435
He is dating an actual angel
named Irina Shayk.

839
00:53:49,518 --> 00:53:52,896
He's a supermodel.
He is not at all like someone.

840
00:53:52,980 --> 00:53:57,526
Looks like a beetle
fucked a deer...

841
00:54:00,988 --> 00:54:04,074
and then, like, they fucked Gisele...

842
00:54:05,909 --> 00:54:08,454
and just shot the hottest butt part
you've seen.

843
00:54:08,537 --> 00:54:12,583
He doesn't walk.
He, like, slipped around.
And he...

844
00:54:13,417 --> 00:54:14,877
The way he speaks, he is like,

845
00:54:14,960 --> 00:54:19,840
"I am from nine hours by dogsled
outside Moscow."

846
00:54:24,761 --> 00:54:28,098
He can only see
through the top of his eyes.

847
00:54:28,891 --> 00:54:30,350
[groaning]

848
00:54:33,061 --> 00:54:34,771
He is very hot.

849
00:54:34,855 --> 00:54:38,150
You can say that he is always wet,
Like, the way he moves.

850
00:54:38,233 --> 00:54:40,444
Like, as soon as boyfriend releases lubricant,
and he is like,

851
00:54:40,527 --> 00:54:43,489
"I laugh at your lubricant, Bradley!"

852
00:54:47,326 --> 00:54:51,121
And I just watch this
in Reno fucking.

853
00:54:53,665 --> 00:54:54,958
I'm like, "Bradley?

854
00:54:56,418 --> 00:54:58,003
Bradley, here I am!"

855
00:54:58,754 --> 00:55:02,382
Like, I thought I would be
rolling on the beach with him.

856
00:55:02,466 --> 00:55:05,385
And, I don't know, is this me?
Is that my ass?

857
00:55:07,179 --> 00:55:09,515
I know we have...
There must be my photo.

858
00:55:09,598 --> 00:55:11,975
Is this me
Or is this me?
I can't...

859
00:55:12,893 --> 00:55:15,020
Fuck
Which I

860
00:55:15,103 --> 00:55:16,772
Is that me?

861
00:55:16,855 --> 00:55:19,024
Or is that me?
I don't know

862
00:55:20,275 --> 00:55:23,612
And I like,
"Do you know what? Damn him."

863
00:55:25,072 --> 00:55:26,865
The prostitute will never dare.

864
00:55:31,870 --> 00:55:34,248
Thank you very much!

865
00:55:36,416 --> 00:55:38,168
I love you!

866
00:55:40,629 --> 00:55:42,798
[playing music]

867
00:55:57,604 --> 00:56:00,107
Oh wait.
Does the person show off my show?

868
00:56:00,190 --> 00:56:01,984
[chat is not clear]

869
00:56:02,067 --> 00:56:05,320
I don't know
I feel like he is shouting
to people going to my show.

870
00:56:05,946 --> 00:56:08,865
And what do you know?
He's right.
He needs a better megaphone.

871
00:56:08,949 --> 00:56:10,450
[man] Ha ha.

872
00:56:10,534 --> 00:56:12,786
- Are you engaged?
- Yes.

873
00:56:12,869 --> 00:56:14,538
Can I draw it?

874
00:56:16,957 --> 00:56:19,477
[man] Here, gun control
is when you hold it in two hands.

875
00:56:19,501 --> 00:56:21,211
Oh, that's so funny, Gary.

876
00:56:24,172 --> 00:56:27,092
How about holding the wheel
with two hands
How does that sound?

877
00:56:27,175 --> 00:56:28,552
[laughs]

878
00:56:28,635 --> 00:56:30,637
This is the real star of the show.

879
00:56:31,471 --> 00:56:32,931
What

880
00:56:33,849 --> 00:56:37,394
She runs out of lipstick
because her lips are very delicious.

881
00:56:39,438 --> 00:56:41,106
I like not wearing a skirt

882
00:56:41,189 --> 00:56:45,319
because these people will fully see
up all my twats.

883
00:56:45,402 --> 00:56:46,778
Do people still say "twat"?

884
00:56:46,862 --> 00:56:48,405
[crowd cheering]

885
00:56:54,453 --> 00:56:55,746
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